#he was my comphet crush when I was 12 so I have a soft spot for him

[overthinkinglotr]

Aragorns ranked based on how funny they are

5.Rankin-Bass Aragorn:

Shows up late in the movie with little explanation. Gandalf’s like “you should do a suicide-mission march on the Black Gate” and Aragorn’s like “eh sure I guess I wasn’t planning on doing anything else today.”

All in all he’s not as funny as the other Aragorns, but he gets points for Just Rolling With It and for that sick helmet.

Funniness Level: 7/10 love how his fashion sense is the polar opposite of Bakshi Aragorn

4.Musical Aragorn:

The musical in general is a hilariously amazing mess and I love it. It was also drastically rewritten many times over its run, so Aragorn’s characterization varies depending on the version.

In the the bootleg I listened to, I *think* what they were going for was. 

Aragorn hides his true identity from everyone until the second act. Then he finally reveals he’s the Lost King of Gondor to Boromir, as Boromir is dying. And while that’s a compelling idea it’s also funny bc Boromir’s just like:

“Dude--”

“You couldn’t have told me this sooner???????”

If I remember right the musical implies that Arwen is also one of the few people Aragorn has told about his true heritage? I think this means Musical!Aragorn apparently only reveals he’s the Lost King to a) the pretty girl he’s crushing on and b) the handsome man he has homoerotic subtext with. VALID

Funniness Level: 9/10 your crush would probably be more impressed to hear you were the Lost King of Gondor if they weren’t busy dying from multiple arrow wounds

3. Book Aragorn:

FUN FACT: Aragorn sings more in the books than he does in the actual musical. The musical cut all of Aragorn’s songs. The cowards.

He’s only a “loner” for the Aesthetic....... He makes the hobbits feel sorry for him by saying “a hunted man often wearies of mistrust and longs for friendship” right before introducing them to his friend Glorfindel, and his friend Elrond, and his friend Arwen, and oh yeah he’s friends with Bilbo too, and---

Also. There’s a moment in the “Tale of Aragorn and Arwen” where Aragorn’s like “I’m in love with Arwen” and Aragorn’s mom says “well she’s out of your league” and Aragorn responds “so I have to be sad and alone for all my life???” and his mom is like “yup.” Iconic

Aragorn has way too many names and way too many of them have to do with his long legs. Strider, Wingfoot, Longshanks, Telcontar (Strider in Elvish, the last name he takes as King.) He’s got 50 names and half of them are variations on “Daddy Long Legs”

Funniness Level: 100/10 would be a lot higher but I deducted points bc I’m kinkshaming his obsession with legs

2.Peter Jackson Aragorn: 

PJ Aragorn is so terrified of the burden of being king that he tries to hide from it. He just wants to be free.

In the Two Towers Aragorn and Eowyn discuss what to do with an unruly battle-scarred horse. Aragorn tells Eowyn that the horse should be set free.

It doesn’t matter if the horse is kingly. It doesn’t matter if, as Eowyn says, he’s a  royal horse that once belonged to the king’s son. Because the horse is sad.

Even if he’s a kingly royal horse, he is very sad.  

People are expecting too much from the horse and it’s making him scared!!!! He’s not a bad horse, he’s just panicking because he feels trapped!!!! So they should set him free, Aragorn insists. He just wants to be free.

“He has seen enough of war,” Aragorn says as he walks away. And you wonder if he’s talking about the horse............... or himself.

Because PJ-Aragon just wants to be free! Free, like the horses! He relates to the horses! The horses are like him, because they too feel trapped and they’re rebellious and unruly and desperately long for freedom!!!!!!!!! 

“You just don’t understand me, mom Elrond!!!!!”

Funniness Level: 20000000/10, he’s the protagonist of a Horse Girl Movie who somehow stumbled into a fantasy epic

Ralph Bakshi Aragorn:

Ralph Bakshi Aragorn is serious, sober, noble, and regal. 

John Hurt voices him, and his performance is honestly one of the best parts of the movie. He’s legitimately a good Aragorn!!! And on paper, he seems like he would be the least funny Aragorn. 

But just.

Just.

He’s a Very Serious Aragorn but he dresses like:

The hobbits walk into the Prancing Pony and Aragorn’s sitting in the corner, no pants, with his bare legs stretched out like he’s trying to seduce them.

And no one ever comments on this!!!! Aragorn is always Rolling to Seduce but none of the other characters acknowledge it!!!!!

Then there’s the animation. The Bakshi film was made by a team of inexperienced animators who relied on tracing over live-action footage as a crutch, which is why the animation looks Like That(tm). The character’s faces float around their heads and their movements, especially in the battle scenes where the live-action reference wasn’t that good, are always.......hmmmmmm. 

 Aragorn vs Ringwraith WHO WOULD WIN???

Funniness Level: 3000000000000/10 sparks joy