#heal and process and make myself happy with the writing. even when i didnt realise it at that time.

[love-has-a-way-ofgrowingbackward]

growing up is just being embarrassed of your younger selves again and again until you aren't <3

[postbreakup]

Journalling my healing process

So, this is more for myself. I got dumped after 6 years cause his parents told him to cut it off, we were thinking of getting engaged. It’s been a week of no-contact and a lot of highs and lows mostly lows. Yesterday night I was battling extreme suicidal thoughts that had been bottling up. Ive decided I’m going to keep an online journal of my healing process as it will give me some purpose to life (knowing that i have to update this journal for y’all :)).

Self note*: I will get through this.

Day 1: I managed to make it through the day. In the morning I was balling in tears and didnt get out of bed until 12. I realised I had to get some of my uni reading done and looked at my reading list. I had to read a 60 page article and write notes on it. I managed to do it. It helped me keep my mind of stuff. I tried to make some food but honestly I didn’t have the emotional strength. I decided to order food instead. I got some pasta and fries (decided to indulge in comfort food). Finished the pasta not the fries tho. I’m still online stalking his online activity- its a bad habit. I still have hope but that hope is slowly dying away and that makes me sad. I want him to be happy- even tho he broke me he was there for me at one point. These feelings I can’t explain. He stood by me on one hand and he broke 100 promises on the other- it makes you question the depth of his feelings. Was there once feelings but it faded which gave him the capability to hurt me so bad? God knows. I have no closure at all. When he left he told me ‘i love u’ and i said i hated him back…part of me wonders if I should have said that :(. I wish he had the stance to breakup in person rather than text i think thats what made me the angriest. I’m still so hurt but i feel like I’m trying to convince myself I’m ok. I will get through this.

Day 2: It’s been 8 days since the breakup…wow. The wounds still feel fresh. On a positive light at least I’m not screaming into my pillow every night and shouting at god why he never answered any of my prayers. I woke up in the morning feeling meh. You know that feeling when you managed to sleep and you wake up and you suddenly remember all the sadness in your life that you’ll have to endure and internalise throughout the day until you can go to sleep. Yup I’m getting a daily dose of that every morning. I managed to wake up at 8:30 instead of 12 (mainly because i was so behind in my reading). Today I managed to read two articles and write notes on them and i was able to create a presentation for my law society workshop as well. It really hurt creating the presentation because my ex was supposed to come and see my first workshop event i hosted at uni. I keep looking at my phone waiting for a text…am i fooling myself? Will he ever text me. My brain is realising that he is not good for me…I can’t be with someone who has the potential to leave me when things get tough no matter how loyal and supportive I am. I’m still drowning in the love i still have for him. I think i will always love him, its always been like that when we were on a break I wasn’t able to give my full to other people because my heart belonged to him. I still can’t comprehend how he is able to make this decision to live in a world without me. Today I didnt eat so well. In fact whilst writing this I feel like absolute shit. Like where has my life come to? Writing a random journal nobody is gonna read anyways…almost like talking to myself…have i become crazy? But I will get through this.

Day 3- We had out final closure yesterday a lot of miscommunication was cleared but it makes me sadder than before. He let me know that he was cold on purpose in order to make me hate him so it would be easier to get over him. It was a very emotional conversation. He told me we could meet up for closure but i declined because the idea of seeing him hurts, and i didnt want to create anymore memories to drown myself in at night. He cared about me a lot and I understand he just wasn’t ready for marriage and the only reason he went with it was cause he loved me more than himself. His parents disowning him and kicking him out is another issue- its not that there was no love between us there was an intense love, perfect compatibility, we never fought and when we did we were able to resolve it peacefully and listen to each other. It was just external circumstances. Honestly, the bar is high for the next person, i never clicked so well with anyone else. He said we can wish each other happy birthday every year but i said i think seeing glimpses of each other twice a year is going to hurt us and he agreed. The breakup initially was very messy i was very upset but I didn’t want to leave it on a bad note we resolved and took back anything we said that was hurtful and made up. I think the fact we were able to have a civil discussion, express out feelings, accept and recognise why the other felt the way they did only shows how compatible we were and its just that life got in the way. He truly was ‘the one that got away’. I want nothing but happiness for him he’s been struggling with his depression for a while and i want him to get out of it. I want to get out of all my problems too. I’m really glad he has a support network, a therapist a psyiatrist. I need to work on forming my own support network too. I will get through this.

[cazador99]

10th February 2019.

In that moment, the air had been sucked out of my lungs. But the feeling was more like someone had punched me so hard in the stomach, that I was struggling to breathe and when I finally did catch my breath I wanted to vomit. In that moment, I was sick to the point where I thought I was going to pass out. I spent the rest of my night crying and wondering what the fuck did I do wrong. What did I do wrong? What did I do wrong? But I couldn't remember what I did wrong. Because to me, I didn't do anything wrong. I was always truthful when I needed to be and I mostly obeyed and.. I was confused. I quickly tried to weigh the pros and cons of the breakup. I tried my hardest to make sense and understand and put myself in your shoes. I thought and thought about everything that had happened over those almost 9 months. And eventually, months after -while we were still fucking- I realised that it was because I was holding you back. I kept you a secret and we weren't doing much of anything except like, fucking. I guess I understood afterward that it gets boring.. Sorta. And you needed someone like her. And that my mother had told you my father hated you. Which isn't true, he just didn't like the sneaking and hiding and that was my fault. I was so scared of his disapproval toward us because of passed events. I didn't even think about you and if you even really wanted to get to know him. Which brings up the next thing, I realised that I had been selfish. I thought back about the days where we were just fucking and liming and came to the conclusion that you only stayed with me to make me happy -could be wrong but its my interpretation- so you were selfless and for months you put up with me. But still in no way was it a reason to lie about sooooo many things. Part of me still wants to think you stuck around because you didnt want to let go, you couldn't bare the thought. Oh gosh! But that day when she called and you were in my room and you answered the phone, I wanted to fling it so far across the room. But I mean the constant lying? God, Elisha. I told you I'd rather you tell me if there was someone else and let me be gone than to have me looking utterly stupid. And you made me a fool in front of all your friends and mine! Because even one of my friends saw you guys but wasn't sure if it was your sister or not. You "took me for a ride" as she likes to say. All of these things I should've said to you when I saw you but I didn't because I knew if I started I wouldn't stop till it was all out. Like right now. You'll probably see this and move straight passed it. But it doesn't matter. I write for me. You just happen to read it or not. And you took 8 months. 8 fucking months to apologise. When you should've from the start. Not when your fucking relationship is falling apart. At least then I'd have more than enough time and energy to process your bullshit stories.

I forgave you a long time. Thanks for the apology, better late than never. I honestly hope things work out for the better with you two. But I mean WTF? Just letting you know that what she told me honestly scared me and I couldn't believe it and I still don't want to believe it. The reason I hope it works out is because I see how happy you are and the pain you caused me I would never wish for my enemies, frenemies and not even you. And maybe today is the day I can finally say, I'm glad that you've been happy. Sucks you cut me off though but it was necessary.

I guess this is all I want to say for now. Its ironic it happened around this time of the year. Well, to me it's ironic.

Hopefully you read this, know that I'm not mad, I'm not sad, I have no malicious thoughts and it's all coming from a pure place. Whoever you decide to show or tell about this, hope they're not offended or mad.

Hope you're healing well.

And well.. It goes without saying, even after everything.

[jolie-auletta]

Lose Yourself, To Find Yourself.

So, I had the honour of being part of an international women’s day seminar yesterday. Hosted by the beautiful Gaia Rose, at her annual awakened woman gathering.

Part of a 7 woman strong team, I made my first public speech.

Stood in front of 50 women I didn’t know, I spoke about something that had impacted my life. How I fully and completely lost myself, but found my true self by doing so.

So here goes;

When I first found out I was going to be speaking today, I was an anxiety ridden mess, I was almost automatically filled with all kinds of insecurities. What if my story isnt as exciting as everybody elses. What if people judge me. What if I dont even inspire any one?

And as normal as that thought process is for someone who has never spoken in public before, it isnt actually very logical.

While I was writing this speech I sent it over to my friend to read over and I told her I felt somewhat guilty for mentioning someone from my past.

I am literally about to say things to a room of strangers that I've never even said a loud before!

But that's when it hit me, I want to be part of teaching our daughters and the next generation of women to not be afraid of simply speaking the truth!

I was always an intelligent kid. I taught myself how to speak other languages, play musical instruments, top of the class.. so I should have been a grade A student, gone to uni and I could have been living 'the dream' right now.

I know that the dream is just perspective. The dream is what you make it. But what I’m trying to say, is I could have had a smooth and easy life, if things had been different.

I don't dwell on that though, devine alignment is something I speak of often. All that is meant to be, will be.

My secondary school days were awful. I started later than I should have, so perhaps that had something to do with it? I don't know. But I felt like I was just always having to try harder than normal, just to make friends. Constantly seeking approval from my peers, constantly trying to be ‘one of them’.

What I've realised it comes down to, is I've just never had good social skills. Which no body believes when I tell them because I come across so confident and eccentric!

But honestly I'm what I like to call a social chameleon. I can blend in with any group, but it's all down to analysis of behaviours and mimicking. In a sense it's just acting.

And that's what school was like for me, I shuffled between groups, making friends then falling out with them over things I just didn't understand at the time

It's like I just didn't know how to integrate with people , or be myself.

So along with feeling like I has no real friends.. I was actually bullied too. The entire time.

I remember having to leave school early just to avoid confrontation. The worst part is, I didn't tell a soul I until I was 25? So a whole 10 years went by without even telling my own mum that I was bullied!

That's something I really regret now. Because I believe it all stems from there and if I had reached out to someone, it could have all been different.

Anyway, the last year of school rolled round and I'm obviously so happy to leave!

But then this fear kicked in. What if I get bullied again!?

So I had an ingenius plan. (in hindsight this was not an ingenius plan at all)

I firstly completely went off radar. I chose a college in a new area, where no one would know me and heres the ingenius part. I made a new personality. Who is the most unbullyable person, I thought? All my previous bullies where quite 'rude girl' personas, so thats when i pieced everything together and decided who I’d be.

And it worked. No one picked on me and I was actually popular.

The mask was working, but that’s all it was, a mask.

I was still constantly seeking approval from people, always trying to be what I thought other people thought was cool, not what I actually thought was cool.

About 8 years ago, i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and BPD. I was on medication but I took myself off of them when I fell pregnant. I did see a psychiatrist for a number of years, but I'm due to have another evaluation because I tick a lot of the boxes for autism!

This was literally a lightbulb moment! When I found out I could be on the spectrum- everything in my life made sense. And it turns out its really common for women with autism to go under the radar, or be diagnosed with depression, anxiety or bipolar/bpd like I was, and that's it, autism isn't even considered.

I am quite obviously high functioning, but every day scenarios like dealing with my emotions, sensory predicaments and simple socialising are a daily battle for me.

I have done A LOT of self healing and I have made a lot of progress, but I have come to the conclusion that whether I'm one, none, or all of the above , I just don't fit in a box and that's okay!!

I found my release in music, it was a coping mechanism, a world to get lost in.

But this leads me onto the second part of my story. During my music years, I met someone who would change my life.

A narccissist.

As i said before i do believe everything happens in devine order and its all lead me to where I am today. And I don't even hold a grudge towards this person. What's done is done.

And we were actually friends for a long while before getting together, we were best friends in fact, I can't even fault the friendship.

But the relationship was TOXIC!

The mental abuse was off the scale. And he also introduced me to cocaine. Now, in the beginning, it was all fun and games. Parties, recreational and I had no responsibilities in life so I thought why the hell not.

But it became more than that. He got me involved in not only taking it, but selling it too.

The entire relationship became based on that.

And ultimately it was detrimental to my soul.

I didnt even recognise myself. My family didn’t recognise me. It was like I had all these layers of personality I had invented to hide behind, but I couldn’t even remember who I was underneath it all!

I became more and more involved in this crazy lifestyle, so much so I ended up in prison because of it.

Honestly I look back and just think, how could I be so STUPID. It took me so long to admit that I was in a controlling and abusive relationship.

This guy had a hold on me. The kind of hold only a narccissist can have.

This wasnt some teenage crush where i 'loved' him so much and I'd do anything for him. I was a crushed soul, bowing down to a dictator.

I did what he wanted, when he wanted. I didn’t even exist. It was all about him.

My mental state was in pieces.

Im honestly so embarrased to tell people Ive been to jail. I mean even saying the word jail. It makes me cringe. I rarely tell people. There are family members that don’t even know!

But that prison freed me. From the jail that was my own body.

Its almost heartbreaking to think of myself all alone in a cell, no friends or family , but I had time to be on my own. With ME! The actual me, not the me I had been playing the part of for the last god knows how many years.

I honestly remember the day the penny dropped, it was when I put my nose ring back in. It sounds so crazy, but when I put it back in, all the pieces of me started to sort of fall into place too. I wore the clothes I wanted. I wore my hair how I wanted and I was starting to love being me again.

The mask was off! I existed again! And that was a beautiful feeling!

I can’t believe I’d kept up this charade for so many years! I should have been an actress, seriously 😂

So fast forward to today, I have a daughter, My Isabella Amethyst. I honestly love her more than I ever thought was even possible and she has played a major role in me becoming the person I am today, because she deserves me at my best and no less.

Another point to make is… As some one who was too foreign for the white folk; yet too white to be black… my whole life I had never fit in to a ‘group’.

I started researching my ancestral heritage and had a deep spiritual connection with the Italian and Spanish parts of my DNA. I even discovered I had Amerindian and oceanic DNA. Which was amazing and even more soul grabbing for me, it gave me a sense of belonging.

A lot of people say wow jode, you've changed so much!

But i am now, who I actually was before I was pressured in to believing I wasn't good enough as myself! Before I invented a new me, just to fit in with everyone else!

So along with becoming a parent, Ive managed to start my own holistic business too!

I do everything I love now, everything that makes my soul happy. I say yes to my intuition and say no to anything that doesn't serve me. We as women have to learn put ourselves first! We have to learn to trust ourselves, love ourselves and actually learn to be a bit selfish!

Life has given me some lemons, as they say. My world was incredibly sour at times and I have found my self in the darkest of corners, alone. But as clische as it is, after the darkness comes light.

I can wholeheartedly say that although I may not be 'living the dream' I could have been, if I had chosen all the 'right' paths in life, I am infact HAPPY. My soul is content and I am ME.

No matter what any of us have been through in life, we not only grow through it, we can flurish beyond it. These awful things happen to us, but they do not define us.

Sometimes we just have to lose ourselves, to find ourselves.

[thehappymessproject]

81/100 - Giving ourselves focus and love by choosing one word for the year

This is very exciting for me to write about : I’ve never really done it. 

A little bit more than five years ago, I just had discovered the incredible work of Dr. Brene Brown on vulnerability and courage, and it simply blew my mind. I felt like I was reading about one of the most important things I could ever educate myself on. 

The books and her TED talks already had changed my daily life in subtle touches, but I wanted more. I also knew I needed more. I was afraid to forget about it in the next few months and hated the thought. So, I took some time to reflect, and over a couple of weeks, came to a big decision (especially for me who used to be commitment phobic in so many ways).

I would spend a year learning courage.

It became one of the most exciting years of my life. For me, learning how to be brave was essentially about saying yes to a lot of things I would have usually say no to out of fear, and no to a lot of things that would bring me comfort in the moment, but preventing me to do things that really mattered to me in the long run. 

I tried out a lot of activities I had never tried, but felt curious about like climbing, sewing, baking pastries... 

I paid a lot of attention to those moments where I would feel afraid, ashamed or uncomfortable, and pushed myself to be brave in my way of dealing with them. 

Choosing to tell a friend that I was feeling hurt and set a boundary rather than silencing myself in hope it doesn’t happen anymore. 

When really down, channelling more energy to do anything that would bring myself self-loving comfort rather numbing comfort. 

Breaking off relationships that felt depleting to me.

It was a tiring year, sure. But it was also one of the most empowering ones. Each time I would choose the brave path instead of the comfortable one, I would feel stronger and more centred. Embodying the experience of bravery, training those courage muscles. 

I realised at the end of the year, when I was feeling really sad about seeing what I called my brave year coming to a year, that I didn’t want to give it up, but I also didn’t want to repeat it as is either. I also noticed that overall, being brave for me had a lot to do with exploring my creativity. 

So I decided to make the next year my creative year. I had so much fun! 

I started taking way more photos, tried to learn guitar and piano for a while, spent a few months sewing like a crazy person, I wrote more that year than in the decade before, and towards the third trimester of my year devoted to creativity, started to paint with watercolours and do the lettering you can now see on my artsy Instagram account. 

Both activities were those bringing me the most joy while allowing me to let my guard down : when painting, I was less attacked by the voices in my head trying to bring me down and discourage me. (ah, the joy of defence mechanisms bullying us...) I was finding more easily ways to bypass them than in any other setting. 

I noticed that creating (and doing anything that mattered to me in my life) was only possible for me when I would take good care of myself. When I would commit to loving myself everyday by showing up. But self-care was so hard for me... 

So... Yeah you guessed it, I took my practice to a new ground by declaring the following year my self-care year. 

I had just discovered the existence of the Find what feels good channel on Youtube a few weeks before, I had ended my creative year with The artist’s way, a 8 weeks program using Julia Cameron’s wonderful book to discover or recover our inner artist, which had taught me how to journal in a way that would connect myself to my heart better than ever. And I had dabbled for a few years on and off with meditation. I had all the tools lying before me already. 

As often when we live an intentional life, the Universe (or call it luck if you’re more comfortable) was helping in subtle ways that can only be noticed when we pay attention to the opportunities we are presented with, and allow ourselves to take them. 

So I did just that. I finally found the courage to take better care of myself and making it a priority. That year was full of softness and whole heartedness. It felt like discovering the essence of who I was. 

Since I was struggling with commitment (still), I focused on one self-loving activity at the time. A few weeks mostly meditating. A few weeks mostly doing yoga. A few weeks getting back to journaling. I thought I could choose which activity I would keep, but realised they all were giving me so much, and yet so differently that I wanted to keep them all. 

I would still create more and more, and take my work as a psychologist to another level, and was struggling to make everything fit in my daily time. Now that I knew better what kind of life I wanted, I felt stuck at making it work as a whole.

So I dedicated last year to finding Balance. I loved it so much. It was like deepening everything I had built in the previous three years. The courage, the creative energy and the love. 

It taught me how to be more flexible and finding way to make things stick, one step at a time, one day at a time and to honour my pace. I set up a few challenges to help on the way. Strengthened my morning routine that felt easier and more necessary than an evening one (currently working on that). 

I explored how my love for art, psychology and writing could be intertwined. It felt like coming home to myself. 

This “year” actually took a little bit more time. I used to choose my word of the year at the end of summer. But last September, I felt stuck. I had just moved to the other side of the globe (another marvellous consequence of all that personal inner journey), felt completely thrown out of balance and quite depleted. 

Then, a few weeks ago, after a few months finding my footing back, it was suddenly obvious. What I struggled with and had to practice the most lately was letting go : finding ways to trust myself, my intuition and the process. I’d say in short : trusting the universe and finding the flow. 

So this year will be my year of flow.

I started by deciding that my practice could now fit better at the beginning of the year rather the school year, the end of the year being a perfect time to reflect and gather our bearings, taking stock. 

When I’m down, finding flow is about giving myself the time and space necessary to heal, letting go of the shoulds and musts. 

When I’m really happy, it’s more about finding pace, not over doing it. 

It is already teaching me how to let go of things, people and spaces that were really important at a time, but became depleting over time. I have never ever felt as free and can’t wait to see more of what this year is going to teach me. 

Choosing one word to devote every year to has with no doubt changed my whole life from the inside out. Like a soothing lighthouse in the dark, it gives me a focus point to always rely on. 

I am never feeling like time passed by without my awareness anymore, being intentional makes time pass more slowly and mindfully. It is helping me to remind myself over and over what is important, and what gets in the way and distract me. It is teaching me more about myself than I ever felt possible. It is allowing me to create the life I really want. 

If reading that essay inspired you to find your own word, I would love nothing more than to know which one you chose and maybe why f you would feel comfortable sharing. 

Here are a few questions that can help to start : What are you feeling like you lack of? What would your ideal 2019 be devoted to? What is preventing you from living your best life right now?

Write your answers down and any word that come up too : it will help you a lot to make it real, tangible. The right one for you will spark something in your body when you write it or if you start making art around it. Let yourself feel it, and trust it. Your heart knows.

See you soon,  Love,  L. 

[adelaideattractions]

Bob's love affair that shocked Australia

The affair between Bob Hawke and Blanche dAlpuget was once the most scandalous in Australian political history, but it morphed into one of the nations greatest love stories. The public was outraged in 1991 when it emerged that the beloved, larrikin prime minster was leaving his wife of 38 years to marry a beautiful, blonde writer 14 years his junior, just four years after he had left office. The pair, it transpired, had been meeting for clandestine trysts for almost two decades. It triggered a media storm, with the press camping outside Ms dAlpugets home, chasing her down the street and publishing cartoons. But after the revelations about Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyces affair with staffer Vikki Campion superseded hers in infamy, the author told news.com.au it could have been far worse.

media_cameraThe revelation of Bob Hawke and Blanche dAlpugets 20-year affair scandalised Australia.

media_cameraWriter Ms dAlpuget paid tribute to the love of her life after he died aged 89. Picture: Supplied/Nine It would be a lot more brutal now, she told news.com.au last year. Its one of the reasons democracy is going down the gurgler everywhere. Its because good, strong people arent going into politics because of social media they dont want to get themselves and their families put through it. (These days) everybodys got a camera in their pocket. Politicians are now walking on eggshells the whole time ... there is a great puritanism thats fallen upon us. Last night, Mr Hawke died peacefully at home, aged 89, and Ms dAlpuget released a statement. Today we lost Bob Hawke, a great Australian many would say the greatest Australian of the post-war era ... Bob was dearly loved by his family, and so many friends and colleagues. We will miss him. Mr Hawke was first married in 1956 to Hazel Masterson, who he met while he was at university in Perth, and the couple had four children together Sue, Stephen, Rosslyn and Robert Jr, who died in childhood. RELATED: Bob Hawke predicted his own death RELATED: Former PMs death to impact federal election

media_cameraThe former prime minister married wife Hazel in 1956 after they met in Perth.

media_cameraThe couple of 38 years had four children together. Picture: Supplied Mrs Hawke was the steadfast wife who stood by her husband as he led the Australian Council of Trade Unions in the 1970s, entered Parliament and served as Prime Minister from 1983 to 1991. But the much-admired Labor leader had a long-held secret. In April 1970, the then-ACTU president met Ms dAlpuget at a party in Jakarta a moment that would change their lives forever. She was living in Indonesia with her new husband, diplomat Tony Pratt, who she was very keen on, she told Mamamias No Filter podcast last year. Six years on, with her marriage going down the drain, Ms dAlpuget interviewed Mr Hawke for a biography on arbitrator Sir Richard Kirby. The click was different, she said and at the time, affairs were par for the course. The pair embarked on an affair that would last almost 20 years, throughout Mr Hawkes Prime Ministership. Back in the 1960s and 1970s, things were a lot wilder than they are now, she said.

media_cameraIn 1976, Mr Hawke embarked on a passionate affair with journalist Ms dAlpuget.

media_cameraThe Australian Council of Trade Unions leader felt unable to pursue his love as he rose to power. But there was more. Ive been in love with Bob since 1976, she told news.com.au. I fell in love with his character. He was a man of absolutely good character, as far as I was concerned. He was clever and genuinely charismatic. Hes a man of enormous compassion, and I saw all of those things. She had been going through a storeroom filled with old photographs, and could immediately tell the difference between the ones taken while she was with Bob, and the ones that predated their relationship. For many years, I just didnt look happy, she said. But the times when I was with him? I was a happy woman. These last 25 years have been the happiest of my life. In the late 1970s, Ms d'Alpuget went through a period of intense despair and contemplated suicide and even stabbing her lover when Mr Hawke tried to refocus on his marriage as he worked towards becoming prime minister.

media_cameraHe became the longest-serving Labor prime minister. Picture: Fox Photos/Hulton Archive/Getty Images

media_cameraIt was only after he was replaced by Paul Keating that Mr Hawke felt able to divorce Mrs Hawke and marry Ms d'Alpuget. Picture: Richard Dobson I went through that dark night of the soul when we broke up, she told The Weekend Australian Magazine in 2017. And I came out the other side. I got over it. And then I really flung myself into writing, which is one of the great curative and healing processes. In 1978, after a vivid dream, the 49-year-old ACTU president asked the 34-year-old journalist to marry him in a Canberra hotel room. But a year later, as his campaign for a federal seat developed, he changed his mind. Divorce could cost Labor three per cent, he had fretted several times, back when this was an issue for us, she wrote in her 2008 book On Lust and Longing. As it turned out, he made the right decision: for himself, for me, for his family, for mine, for his party and, as became obvious, for the nation. Despite being deeply attracted to each other, madly in love, the pair resigned themselves to a sporadic love affair to the sake of the Labor MPs wife and the country, while Ms d'Alpuget worked on a biography. She said the book helped to persuade those who mattered to make him the leader of his party, from which point electoral success was assured, and her research helped him stop his problem drinking. Their relationship was an open secret, but neither she nor Mrs Hawke could tear themselves away from the charismatic leader. Each of us asked the other to leave, Ms d'Alpuget said. Neither of us did.

media_cameraThe scandal rocked Australia, with the public and Mr Hawkes children turning against the couple.

media_cameraBut their love has stood the test of time, and Ms d'Alpuget will one day be buried alongside her husband. Picture: Patrick Riviere/Getty Images He went on to the highest approval rating of any Australian PM in history: 75 per cent in November 1984. It is a level of popularity that is a far-off dream for current Labor leader and Australias possible next prime minister, Bill Shorten, who also left his ex-wife for a new bride after entering political life. The longest-serving Labor prime minister finally divorced his wife in 1995, four years after he was replaced by his deputy Paul Keating, following a freak accident that made him realise how much he needed to make his mistress his spouse. Ms dAlpuget was in a sea plane in far-north Queensland writing an article on the Great Barrier Reef when it crashed and the six passengers had to swim out of the window. As fuel poured out of the aircraft, a yachtsman picked them up in a dinghy and ferried them to Hamilton Island. The one phone call I made was to Go Between, the man who was (her and Mr Hawkes) secret contact, she told Mamamia. But he was a drama queen and he rang up Bob and said, Bob, Blanche has been in a plane crash, and he paused. Bob said in that moment he felt himself die. And then the man added, But shes all right. But it was just that instant; he knew then that, had I died, his life wouldnt have been worth living. At 64, the former Prime Minister announced his separation from his wife publicly, declared his love Ms d'Alpuget. Within two years, his divorce was finalised, and eight months later, he and Ms dAlpuget married in Sydney.

media_cameraA plane crash that almost killed his mistress convinced Mr Hawke he needed to be with the love of his life. Picture: Gregg Porteous

media_cameraThe affair hurt his family, but the former PMs children eventually came to be close to Ms d'Alpuget. Picture: Megan Slade It took an enormous amount of courage on Bobs part, she told The Australian. It took much more courage on his part than on mine. Because I was a single woman, divorced. But he was married. The whole country expected him to behave in this way and was unaware of what his true feelings were and so were bound to be shocked, angered and amazed when they discovered them. Mr Hawkes children were furious, and shunned their fathers new wife. But the relationship endured, and they are now close. Mrs Hawke died in 2013 from dementia-related complications, aged 83. Mr Hawke visited her before she died and formally apologised for the toll his affair had taken on the family after her death. I remember Hazel with deep affection and gratitude, he said in a statement. She was more than a wife and mother, being father as well during my frequent absences as I pursued an industrial then political career. In 2015, when the Labor leader nearly died of a stomach bug he picked up from the Middle East, and Ms d'Alpuget was by his side in the Sydney hospital. It was then that she picked out the place where they would one day lie together in a cemetery. The graves are side-by-side, she said. We chose a spot where the public can come. Itll be nice. Its in a rose garden and theres a seat there so if a member of the public wants to come and have a sit, they can. Originally published as Bobs love affair that shocked Australia https://www.adelaidenow.com.au/lifestyle/relationships/the-affair-that-scandalised-australia-bob-hawkes-20year-affair-with-blanche-dalpuget/news-story/cc4d90920d1fd2e1db2361ccd13d8d2b?from=htc_rss

[yourdiag-nonsense-blog]

A title ?

I guess it’s funny to me that whenever I started this tumblr page I must have been at least 18 and apparently thought naming it after a line from one of my favourite movies would be cool or edgy maybe . A line from a movie that now seems to me more serious than cool and more close to home than the edgy feel I’d been going for. What’s your diag-nonsense then?

I had thought about not writing this at all and after all what good does it do to dwell on your issues . Maybe this has been my problem all along and infact according to my counsellor perhaps is the same for many people in the West of Scotland . This inability to accept that dwelling on your own thoughts and feeling is not weakness . Beating yourself up for being unable to cope does not make you shit at life .Sharing your most mental thoughts with another can actually be refreshing even if its just to know you arent alone . Its funny to think how readily we read instructions for everything else but when it comes to our own brains - brains that are more complex than your tv or computer we are so ready to just handle them on our own with no guidance and shrug off all the issues.

I recently found myself at a music festival , a music festival that I had been excited for , a music festival that would not be something out of the ordinary for me “normal me ” to attend . Yet we got there and I felt sick, sick to my stomach and I was scared so so scared . I didnt understand why and so like most people when we don’t understand or can’t explain something rationally I shrugged it off and pushed it to one side . Making excuses like I’ve been in the sun too long or I’ve drank too much . Later that evening the feeling grew and I made my partner take me to the medical tent all the while feeling embarrassed and like I was ruining the weekend for other people . It’s there that after many checks I was told that my heart rate was possibly a little high but otherwise I was fine . How do you sit there and tell a medical professional , no I’m not fine and I can’t tell you how far from fine I feel and I think I’m going to die. Well the answer is you don’t, at least not in my case anyway . No I hopped off the bed and thanked him for his time and embarrassingly went back to my partner having to tell him it was nothing and return to our friends . Everyday for the rest of that festival I didn’t drink because I needed to feel in control of whatever this was my body was doing and so I got up and put on a brave face and did my best to go have fun . Every night though after the last band I’d feel so so tired more tired than I’ve ever felt before and I couldn’t stay awake and party with my friends. I Didn’t realise how exhausting it is to pretend you are okay all the time . This was just the beginning for me .

Right at the end of this festival I finally decided to try tell my partner what was going on as ridiculous as the sensible part of my brain thought that was going to sound . I did my best to explain the need to be sober to be in control just incase I got unwell or the overwhelming sense of dread that made no sense to me . I’ve been in large crowds before and I love music and I’m not unwell so what could this be . My partner was great I can’t fault him he comforted me and promised me as soon as we got home I could see a doctor and we would figure this all out .

So now I’m a few months on and my final diagnosis seems to be generalised anxiety disorder specifically health anxiety based . Now before I go into my healing process I want to say how hard it is for me to write that diagnosis . I am not someone that exactly believes in “anxiety” or maybe I should say I didn’t believe . My own father has suffered from depression for many years and I viewed it as an excuse for his bad behaviours and his tendency to mess life up for himself . I was that person moaning about all those people sharing anxiety posts on Facebook and complaining about how badly it messes with their lives . I thought anxiety was just something everyone had at some point and surely if you wanted to overcome it well then you could. I’d complain often about people not helping themselves but continuing to post these cries for attention . How wrong I have been . I think possibly I knew at that festival what it was I was experiencing but it felt like there is a stigma attached to saying I’m having an anxiety attack or I think I have anxiety . One that made me feel embarrassed that this could be happening to me . I don’t worry about all these things that I’m worrying about , normal me doesn’t burst into tears everytime I get a twinge in my head, old me didn’t wear a fitbit to track my heart rate and call the doctor everytime I noticed an anomaly. I think it took a long time for me to process that all those versions are the same me . Where am I now ? After a few months of some highs and extreme lows and plenty of tears I found the strength to admit I needed more help to conquer this. I signed up to counselling sessions through occupational health and began seeing a wonderful woman Maragaret . As you can imagine I went to my session a sceptic or at least doubting that talking about it more was going to solve it but alas you cant moan about others not helping themselves if you aren’t willing to do it yourself . My first session I have to admit I mostly cried , I couldn’t tell whether they were sad or happy tears but there was relief there . Just relief to speak about it , relief to finally admit this is real and to finally stop playing it down for the sake of people around me . We established straight away that I am not alone and what I was going through is not unusual . We also talked about loss and I couldn’t understand why loss related to my situation as I had automatically assumed that loss refereed only to losing a person . Maragaret was quick to tell me I had lost a person , id lost me or at least the me I was familiar with the me that ended up with a kidney infection because I couldn’t be bothered going to the doctors when I was in pain and not this new me that poked and prodded herself so much it was no wonder I was worried about that weird red mark on my wrist or that tender feeling near my knee . In the past few months I had been to the hospital convinced I was having a heart attack, the doctors because I was so sure I had a blood clot in my leg and then received a referral for the headache clinic because I was so sure I had braintumours . Now writing this I know it’s total nonsense what person in their right mind does those things. Well apparently I did … Some days it got so bad I thought I might just go to A&E and stand and shout till they gave me all the scans and tests that I thought were going to finally put my mind at ease but of course it doesn’t work like that. So loss I had infact lost myself.

I was given a task to write down things the little evil person on my shoulder might say to me and I did and when I read it back they were awful . It was then ten times worse when Margaret read them out , like really how can you help yourself when those are the ways you put yourself down all the time . So compassion, compassion was a lesson to learn for me . A way to make myself take time out in an anxiety fueled situation and compassionately talk myself down and give rational , sensible advice that didn’t involve just yelling things at myself for not working how I think I should . For not being good enough to go out and enjoy something that should be happy without ruining it all being a panicked mess. So my method as awfully simple as it seems is when the closing black walls start moving their way in I breath and I count and I remind myself that this, this is nothing and that I am 26 and I have already made it through so many things . I am strong and healthy and I have so much to see and I am going to live for this moment right here because as wise Margaret told me “if you have one foot in the past and one in the future you are effectively pissing in the here and now ” .

Be understanding also , I watched a mindfullness seminar recently I believe it might have been on tedtalks . A suggested method from the speaker was to give your brain a name , you know like an old friend . So when your brain starts running off on it’s crazy train pulling out every bad thought and possibility of the day you can answer it . Sensible you can tell Brenda , you know what Brenda I’ve heard what you had to say but I don’t think I’m gonna take that road today . I know it sounds ridiculous but it made me laugh and I liked it and those are small things to live for .

I know this has been a long post but I think I wanted to write about how something that I didn’t believe was real happened to me . I wanted the chance to take back all those negative non believing vibes I’d put out and be upfront and honest about my experience. Life isn’t Instagram perfect and sometimes I think we forget that. I am not healed and I am far from finished my journey but I am happy and well and alive and that right now is more than I’ve felt in months. I wanted to remind anyone going through anything at all that’s it’s alright and it does get better. I wanted to remind myself so I can read back how horrible it was but not to dwell on the bad just to remind myself of how good it feels to have anxiety free days and of how good it feels to know it’s not something to be embarrassed about and I did something about it and I’ll continue doing things about it so that I can live always in the here and now. So don’t forget compassion and understanding and remember to laugh at yourself in between. It’s alright to be a bit crazy

[vitalmindandbody]

10 Simple-minded Ways To Heal A Broken Heart

I cant do this anymore.

The terms still reverberating in your ears, ricochetting around until they land like a punch in the gut. Youre instantly transported to a new world, one you didnt know existed before this moment. A world-wide and life without your beloved.

It doesnt feel real. You pinch yourself to wake up from this nightmare, but youre still here, still revolving from this declaration, this revocation of love.

Warm snaps stream down your face until you begin to sob, that terrifying uncontrollable sobbing that leaves you gasping for air. You want to hide away, cry yourself to sleep, and somehow magically feel better tomorrow.

Weve all been here. Or some modification of it. Weve all had our centers cracked and stomped on. Weve all diverted over every moment of our relations in our headings and wondered, What could I have done differently?

But we are now transported into a macrocosm where the love we seemed is grasped away from the americans and dont know what to do with ourselves other than suffers and sorrow our loss.

I recently read a work that briefly touched upon anguish and its advice mostly amounted to go out with your lovers as far as possible. WTF? Thats it? Thats how Im going to heal my mettle? Most of my lovers are scattered in all regions of the world. Becoming out with them every night isnt even a viable option.

How on globe do you turn off those kinds of impressions? What happens to affection lost? How do you mend a broken heart? I decided to investigate how to mend my own shattered heart.

In previous breakups, Ive simply idly fallen into my personal motifs of desire lost. For me, I exclaim, I stay in bed, watch bad tv, chew cookie dough, and hide away from the people who love me. I mainly dont DO anything. I sit and wait.

Because time heals all winds, right? Or does it? If occasion is a construct of our attentions, do “weve been” have to wait for the occur of period, something illusory to mend ourselves? Can we speed up the process of healing our wraps? How much is impossible to ensure our healing through our wars and blueprints?

So, instead of blindly falling into my decorations, I started to ask myself some questions about my habits. Im looking at my structures with enjoying interest, playing with them a little bit, realise what is actually acting me and determining what patterns are there exclusively because of economy, because my memory, form, and nerve are too tired for anything but pattern. And heres what Ive learned

1. Lean Into Sensation

Essentially, everything we know as physical beings comes down to sensation that we name good or bad. When I began to lean into the wizard in my body, requesting what it had to tell me, thoughts began to transform. I asked where the ache lives in my torso. I closed my eyes and supposed symbolizing my excitement. I described what it felt like in writing, how I had to remind myself to breathe and how fascinating the absence of a act- breath and love feels so heavy.

I examined the tightening in my chest, trying not to label it good or bad, just simply as superstar. Human tolerating is predominantly an expression of the results of labeling event as good or bad and right or wrong.

The thing about perception is, its ever changing. It doesnt stay forever. When we change our perspective of know-how merely being a temporary district of existence, it takes service charges out of it, simply through the simple-minded number of observation. In my own experience, the sensation itself tend to change faster the closer I look at it.

By noticing how heavy the fact that there is breath felt, I began to fill my lungs with slower, deeper breaths and learnt my entire being become a bit lighter.

2. Frankie Says Relax

Remember those t-shirts from the 80 s from Frankie goes to Hollywood? Passes out those guys had a good idea.

While this might seem a little bit self-contradictory to simply discovering perception, this practice of tightening your body has slightly different merits. We support so much better tension in our mass on a daily basis, and its even more amplified in times of high-pitched stress.

Make a practice of checking each part of your mas for tension. I like to start out lying down on my back and closing my gazes like I would for savasana. Take a couple of deep sighs, then try to contract and tense up every single muscle in your organization at once. Hold this for got a couple of seconds, then liberate the tension in your whole mas. Repeat a couple of times. I find it helpful to see the comparison in how my person tones between the tension and the relaxation.

Then take it further by slowly checking each part of your form from leader to toe. Tense up an individual muscle group for a moment, then exhaust it. Crinkle your forehead, and handout. Squeeze your eyes tight, and handout. Clench your jaw, and handout. Press your tongue to the ceiling of your opening, then make it hang loose in your mouth.

You get the picture. We all know we view so much friction and stress in our shoulders and backs, but also pay attention to the little neighbourhoods. Tightening the smallest muscle radicals, particularly in my appearance, often prepare the most difficult difference in how I seem afterwards.

3. Move It

Rest is important in mending a middle. But I often situate too much emphasis on it. Yes, I need to take care of myself with sleep and the blessing of stillness. But I now believe it is equally important to move your torso very. The medium of shift isnt important. Just move.

On day one I went to a yin yoga class. While technically moving my body, the needs of the of yin yoga are much less than read a spin class. Yin allowed me to extend my form while still allowing me to appear introverted and my existence internalized which was all I could handle.

On day two I croaked for a four mile walk in the common. I remained my headphones on and didnt talk to anyone, but extended my legs and got plenty of oxygen into my lungs.

This movement is facilitating me hinder some momentum and vigour for other aspects of “peoples lives” I dont want to placed on hold while my centre heals.

4. Reach For A Better Feeling Thought

This one can feel a bit tricky. For starters, the thought of exuberance can feel so far removed from where you are right now. So, start where you are.

If you are depressed, what next best happen can you contact for? Depression is experiencing hopeless, disheartened, retiring. There isnt even any energy around depression. Happiness and desire can feel like a world away from depression.

Can you reach for something that seems slightly better than this powerless desperation? Perhaps hope? Or wrath or storm? Most passions have more vitality behind them than hollow. While temper isnt a situate you want to stay in, it can also stimulus some movement.

What if every day you worked towards an spirit merely one step in future directions you wish to move? Take a look at the Emotional Guidance System scale I formed from Ask and it is Given below. Moving up by one spirit a daylight will put you in a pretty good region in not so long a time.

There is something else to watch out for here. In the midst of my profound bereavement, I have minutes of genuine laugh when I hear something funny. The first few meters it happened, I immediately experienced guilty.

It was as if my feeling good in any way was a disloyalty to my broken heart. My mentality was telling me that if I feel good, its as if I didnt appreciate such relationships as much as I felt I did. Well, that is hogwash. That is my hurt ego talking. My relationship mean and still signifies “the worlds” to me. Tell me be really clear on this point…

If youre having a hard time contacting for a better sensitive conception, try some visualizations. Stay away from thinks about your relationship and cherish. They are very charged topics, so start somewhere easy.

Close your eyes, thought the sentiments of the warm sunlight on your look, and cool breeze on bare shoulders. Dream the flavor of your favorite dinner on your tongue. Dream your abs hurting after a good belly laugh. Improve on this feeling with knowledge from our lives you can draw from. What in your life is full of ease and joy?

5. Surround Yourself With Reminders Of Truth, Beauty, And Love

I have a tattoo on my left forearm that enunciates Love Inspired by a blog upright called the Beauty of the Ellipsis, it serves as a reminder that ardour isnt a finished thinking. It is always in motion, ever deriving. Adoration for myself, my family, your best friend, and those Ive lost.

I have a maple seed necklace to remind me that in every moment Im planting the seeds of my future. I have prisms hanging from my windows for an extra perforate of coloring and rainbows on sunny epoches. I am gradually building a jungle in my house. I fill empty spaces with plants that remind me of life and vitality even on the grayest of days.

Fill your encircles and life with little bits that remind you of what you know to be true, beautiful, and joyful. These neednt be grandiose or expensive, just simply concepts that reverberate with you. Here are some ideas to get you started.

Flowers from Traders Joes. Pinterest board filled with beauty. Follow an inspiring Instagram or Tumblr account. Make or find a mantra. Use Canva to build and print out invigorating paraphrases to embellish your room. Croak for a step and find the perfect stone to bring home. Find a brand-new favorite aroma and spread it around your mansion liberally. Buy new stationary. Treat yourself to a book from Etsy. Draw portrait or stimulating mentions with sidewalk chalk in your vicinity. Find a neighbourhood neighbourhood to make a coffee or tea mug. Alternately, find one that impresses your imagination at Society6. Create an altar or sacred cavity and crowd it with crystals, palo santo, and offerings. Spend day with children. Find reminders of your truism and joy.

These may seem to be insignificant things that are only on the surface, but I find the more I border myself with items that experience whimsical and magical in some small-scale acces, the more Im able to remind myself of how I want to feel in each time. They help me choose to feel glee and magical when I might otherwise choose grief.

6. Self-Care Saturday( Or any era. Or every day !)

We can be quite penalize to ourselves in times of conflict and stress, so take some time to really take care of yourself in some way.

Were all busy and charged with the responsibility, but if you dont take care of yourself first, the main responsibilities can begin to suffer as a result. Im more focused and productive when Ive taken care of my necessities first. I attend to my responsibilities in a bigger and better behavior when my goblet is full , not empty.

Theres a lot of area for reading here as to what self-care consider this to be for each person. While technically, all the suggestions in this article are a species of self-care, I miss “youve got to” block off some time specifically for self-care, mining deeper into what that means for you.

Maybe its taking a long, palatial shower and spending duration pampering yourself with tinctures for your skin that move you feel radiant. It might be spending a duo hours in live animals shelter fondling with puppies and kittens. Perhaps its planning a hot stone rub. Maybe its nourishing your form with vibrant healthy food youve cooked yourself. It might be taking a couple hours to read a book thats been sitting on your nightstand for months.

Tailor your self-care and rotate it into a weekly or even daily ritual.

7. Invest in Yourself

Im willing to bet everyone has something new theyd like to try if merely they had the time, coin, or excuse.

Here is your allow stumble to try that something new.

Did you want to pick up knitting, or perhaps learn to play the guitar? Maybe memorized some bayonet abilities to hoist your prepare? Rock climbing, sky diving, paint, memorizing another language, the possibilities are interminable. You can find a class on just about whatever it is you like online these days.

As progenies, we try brand-new occasions all the time. Its how we discover and change at an exceptional charge. But this slows down as we grow up and our visual field becomes smaller as we narrow down our athletic field. So expand your compass, invest in yourself in some way, and learn something new.

The cognitive requirements of memorizing something new are also welcome to serve as a great pattern of distraction when you need a distraction. Perhaps youll be brought to an end picking up a brand-new hobby, check off another carton on your pail listing, or have a good story to tell.

8. The F wordForgiveness

Ahh, a big creepy one! The topic of forgiveness can be a fiction in itself. Perhaps there is a requirement forgive the actions of your ex, or maybe forgive yourself for your own. Or a combination of both.

We dont always like to forgive people for actions we deem incorrect or unkind because it can feel like we are giving them a free pass. But Ive became aware that maintaining onto exasperation and resentment is always worse. Its a tremendous force suck and you cant find joyful as the same duration “you think youre” feeling justified in your fury. So, I select my own gaiety over my resentment.

Its a choice to make over and over again. Its not easy to forgive in one large-hearted sweeping action. It generally happens in increments. Its helpful to practice radical rapport, vividly dreaming how it feels to be the person who did you wrong. You know most people are essentially doing the best they can with the information they have at each minute. It becomes easier to suppose why they did what they did when you put yourself in their shoes. You begin to feel more empathy for them.

You recognize that the indignation youre accommodating acts no one. And you gradually begin to let it go, piece by piece.

Because forgiveness is not for them, its for YOU.

9. Afford what you wish to receive

I was walking around, detecting like no one loves me, which is totally and completely untrue, but when youre heartbroken, your subconsciou does all kinds of irrational thoughts. I received a pal of mine berth about writing a note of encouragement to a pal, and I wished to be that friend with every fiber of my being. I wanted to open up my mailbox and receive letters of cherish, a validation of the adoration that exists for me.

I expected myself what could I do to feel that adoration? I decided to Pay what I wished to RECEIVE. I started writing words of encouragement and love to pals and strangers alike. All I had to do was write what I wanted to hear, for myself. It was that easy.

This did two things for me.

One, the brain doesnt is the difference between handing, receiving, or even witnessing magnanimity. When you perform an act of kindness, the pleasure and rewards cores light up, releasing feel good chemicals as if you were the recipient, which some psychologists have dubbed the helpers high.

Two, it demo me that we live in a macrocosm of abundance. I dont is a requirement to accumulation away love and kindness to keep it. It actually thrives when I open it away. Its generative. And often, when you demonstrate adore and kindness away, others are inspired to mirror your enjoy and kindness back to you as well as fee it forward to others.

We cannot presume to understand the dominance of the extent of what a few kind words can do for someone and its ripple effect on the world. Win win triumph!

10. Investigate Your Own Patterns

This is by no means a complete list. Merely recommendations of the start of opportunities for your own healing. The biggest occasion you can do for yourself is to get curious, examine your own personal decorations in its own experience of sorrow, and doubt each one.

Hold each one up as they sound and question Does this suffice me?

If the answer is truly yes, keep it. If the answer is no, try something new or the opposite of that first inclination. Play with the brand-new reaction, see if that one provides you better, prepares you feel better both in the present and the long term.

And most important, be gentle with yourself. There are epoch to push your borders, to peruse, and to experiment. But i still have a meter for rest and a is necessary to give. Dedicate yourself the grace to know you are where you need to be when you need to be.

Know that you wont always feel like your centre has been rent out of your chest. Lessen the distance between a shattered heart and a mended middle by experimenting with these alternatives to your motifs. One day youll open your middle again and feel the rushing of falling in love. Youll look into attentions that truly see you and reflect your feeling back to you. And youll be ready for large-scale ardour because youve already done their efforts to heal your middle.

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