#hell even just appreciating season distinctions at all would get like 'must be nice always having great weather/never shoveling snow' lol :

[ereh-emanresu-tresni]

People get wayyy too comfortable shitting on entire regions istg

[vaguely-concerned]

X-men Evolution; the great 2021 rewatch liveblog

exactly what it says on the tin, about halfway through the show I had TOO MANY FEELINGS and had to start writing some of them out haha (gets quite gambit & rogue/gambit heavy in the latter half, Because of Who I Am as a Person)

- this is my childhood’s x-men, my formative experience with them, and I’m happy to report that still seems like a good thing. the little eleven year old within me gets to geek out and have a good time with the characters and the surprisingly good animation and writing, adult me gets to CACKLE at regular intervals at the fashion/technology/absolute bonkers hot garbage comic book nonsense they use to justify a storyline every now and then, it’s been a good time 

- I was like ‘ah well it is super dated it probably won’t be quite the same now’ and then rogue’s HAIR did the THING in the opening and ‘it’s all coming back to me now’ started playing in the background... the little baby queer in me swooning across time and space

- such a good beast, both his design and the writing, my heart aches for him all the time. he’s just so passionate! about being a teacher! helping young humans learn the stuff they’ll need in life! the most wonderful nerd man, just let good things happen for him

- I’m going to go ahead and assume that rogue’s ‘crush’ on scott is more of a deeply complex psychological process about desiring normalcy and intimacy and trying to figure out if she’s queer and dealing with her emerging sexuality and latching on to the first and best safely unavailable and nonthreatening older boy to project these issues onto rather than actually being a real thing, because I respect her so much as a person and I cannot bring myself to imagine she’s honestly attracted to a man who has POSTERS OF CARS on his bedroom wall. (I’ll give jean a break just because she seems to have a longer deeper history with him that might counteract some of that libido-kill, and also she’s a jock so lol)

like I am very sorry but can u imagine being a teenage girl with any interest in a boy with model cars in his bedroom when gambit’s swanning around being a much, much, much worse choice on almost every possible level but in a teen girl kryptonite kind of way? inconceivable  

(I drag scott quite a few times in this and it’s not because I don’t love him, it’s just his tragedy to be the most draggable man in the world)

to be fair by the time gambit shows up that whole Situation has mostly played itself out I suppose but still  

- toad’s design is so ineffably brilliant, I can’t quite tell you why but that ugly cute charm has really stuck with me, he’s one of the characters I remembered the best to this day just visually

- poor evan... he truly never had a chance, did he, they just saddled him with the most 90s teen bullshit they could come up with like he’s some kind of ‘what adult writers think teens like’ frankenstein’s monster ;______; it’s not your fault honey

- poor poor POOR storm, she gets one focus episode and they were like ‘we’re going to make an episode so racist -- ‘

I’m still STUNNED at how bad it was, but undeniably I laughed hysterically to the point that my neighbours were probably worried when that dude was earnestly like ‘He [stunningly breathlessly racist caricature of a ‘witch doctor’ guy] has stolen her powers, and he’s going to use them to take over Africa!!!’ fhajsdlfhsakjldfh oh really? tell me more, like how the fUCK this could be on television within my life time fasdlfhsdkjfhsad f  just... fahjksdfh

- it’s a testament to gambit’s appeal as a character that his charm can survive what they’ve done with his hair and beard choices in this one fajskfhs regrettable but true I still fuckn LOVE him and in my highly biased yet Correct opinion he should have been around much more. get you a man who manages to stay hot through sheer Vibes even with a bowl cut

- aw scott/jean is kind of sweet in this show even if it’s taking them forEVER to get there, I like it 

- it’s very nice of rogue to not mention magneto’s romantic daydreams and nostalgic memories about charles xavier after touching his face that one time... or maybe her brain did her a service and repressed it, there’s some stuff you shouldn’t have to know about your father figure   

- the danger room is the very definition of ‘why do we even have that lever’ and I wonder what the fuck prof x does to have enough money to replace everything that gets busted all the time

- I’d say that a lot of the writing holds up surprisingly well! (but some of it is also incredibly inexcusably racist in ways that beggar belief, so... not full marks here) the characters have distinct voices and their arcs are set up and delivered on solidly for the most part, and there’s a lot of love showing through in small moments that are just there to have a funny/interesting thing to say about the characters and how their powers work separately and in combination. listen, sometimes I get so thirsty for like. basic goddamn competency in storytelling, let me have this

- ugggggh why is there captain america in my x-men have I not suffered enough... very very funny when prof x goes ‘sounds like you knew rogers personally’ and logan is like ‘I did ;)’ *all the students ganging up on steve rogers* “did you fuck our teacher, captain america?!”

- fskadfhas WHY are you showing me hot young-ified magneto’s ass fksjahfskj charles is not even here to see it, what a tragic waste erik 

- ...I was sort of kidding before but uh I think logan genuinely did fuck captain america (or at least wishes very much that he did lol)

- wanda can have a little watching the world burn. as a treat for the way every single adult in her life has fucking failed her (’aren’t they treating you well here’ professor x she’s in a straightjacket)  

- poor rogue tho can you imagine finding out after your biggest crush on a girl yet that she’s your fucking MOM in disguise... I would break out in cold sweat every time I thought about a boob forever after

- well seems like they really just had all that homoerotic rivalry stuff between quicksilver and spyke in their first ep only to never do anything with that again ever?? I mean even without the gay undertone that seems like a dynamic you spent most of an episode setting up writers what the hell haha

- dslhfkasjlh GAMBIT THERE HE IS MY BOY IS ON THE SCENE THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!! I don’t even care about his awful hair situation or the fact that his eyes are wrong here (coloured contact lenses, maybe, for a watsonian explanation? though he’d probably have to get them made special, considering he needs the sclera and the iris covered up in different ways, I’ve seen some comic panels indicating he has been known to?)

(cute little detail: when he shuffles the cards the first time we see him he ends with removing the top card to show the ace of hearts beneath <3 foreshadowing baBEY he’s a... good-ish boy deep down. hey he tries okay shit gets complicated sometimes lol) 

- cracking UP at gambit perched cheerily on the edge of a crate dispensing cards in the middle of the battle... he’s like ‘eh it’s a livin’ sfsajkhf remy stop working for supervillains just because you had nothing to do on a thursday afternoon and they said they’d pay you

- I’m guessing magneto must have imposed a strict order of silence on these guys or something because I cannot imagine any other reason for him to shut up, especially once he notices rogue is a QTE (or, far more likely, they hadn’t settled on any voice actors for the new characters until next season haha. it is kind of odd that they’re all keeping up near monastic silence, though, even sabertooth lol) 

- WHAT an epic first meeting for us rogue/gambit fans here... first his shadow like there’s fireworks going off behind him lighting him up and then he gives her the fuckn king of hearts and she’s so enchanted by his dumb handsome face she doesn’t even notice it’s about to blow up in her hands and it all happens in heavily meaningful silence afjsdfjashjk no wonder this ship ingrained itself in my hindbrain  

yeah look smug while you can remy she’s gonna have you on your knees one day and you’ll be happy about it lol

- god storm is so COOL, everything just fading out of focus when she really gets going... give her more screen time, show!!

- mystique is every person... this person... that person... that bird... that cat... that wolf... I’m not even sure she’s not also me... are you sure she’s not you? 

- holy fuck I respect the hell out of the decision to just... blow up the entire status quo in a season ender, I only vaguely remembered that (actually in general I appreciate how good the continuity is -- buildings and places that get damaged in battles need to be repaired or rebuilt, it makes the consequences feel more real even when no one gets seriously hurt. where they get the money to restore scott’s car and logan’s motorbikes every time they go cablooie is still an open question tho lol is it credit card fraud, professor? is it telepathically acquired blackmail???) 

- I first watched this when I was nine or so, so it’s a real experience to go from my starry eyed intrigued ‘oh my god... they’re teenagers’ to my horrified adult perspective of ‘oh my god... they’re TEENAGERS D:’

that goes double for the brotherhood boys honestly, I’m here with tears in my eyes like ‘I’m sorry the system has failed you so badly you’re all just a bunch of dumb kids whose caretakers clearly fucked up spectacularly’  

like lance is always waiting for mystique to come back because she’s the closest thing he has to a safe parental figure, may we speak about how crushingly depressing that is 

- rogue is so ready to throw hands at literally any moment and for that I love and treasure her immensely (I think getting to see her be so surly and unreasonable and sometimes difficult and jealous, like any teenager, meant a lot to me as a kid who was not really allowed to be any of these things, this version of the character has stayed with me so deeply. she holds on so fiercely to her right to feel what she feels and be what she is even when it’s ‘ugly’ or unreasonable, which I think plays in really interestingly with how her powers involve getting invaded by other people’s thoughts and memories to the point of overwhelming her own sense of self and the fact that she clearly has a lot of self-loathing and self-consciousness and confusion about her identity as well. I love her so much)  

- oooof this is the ‘the gang experience a microaggression’ episode huh (well more like macroagressions really)

hits a bit different with adult eyes and perspective huh

- hearing jean sound almost like a child when she says ‘that’s so unfair!’ somehow has me like ;______; -- she has to be so adult and responsible all the time, and having her be reduced to the kid she still is and should get to be in front of this awful awful man she could squash like a bug with the flick of a thought... ugh I’m Big Sad (it is funny that jean seemingly plays Every Sport tho djfhaskj)

- MY BOY IS BACK!!! this time with the duster coat and his eyes the right colour, im so happy (too bad about the subdued colour scheme tho; I adore his dumb bright pink getup with my whole heart)

it’s kind of adorable that he takes the time to take the bullies aside and go ‘I know these guys can’t wreck you without getting expelled, but I think you’ll find no law set down by god or man would stop me from doing so whenever I wanted to. so piss off and leave them alone’ lol he’s looking out for them, in his own way

- in this episode: remy lebeau wrangles some kids while looking bored yet mildly amused the whole time. what the fuck does magneto have on you for you to agree to this level of babysitting duty buddy

- fun detail I noticed b/c when I get a fave I hyperfixate: he gave rogue the king of hearts before, but he ‘introduces’ himself to the brotherhood here (lol) with the jack of hearts, probably to symbolize he’s here as someone who works for magneto in this setting and not as his own man? it’s a demotion he’s given himself there, anyway, might be he’s not very pleased about his current position huh 

- I like it when rogue and kitty team up, they’re not very effective together but their squabbling is so cute and non-aggressive 

- pietro is what draco malfoy would be if I ever found malfoy interesting to watch for even one moment, every time quicksilver talks I’m like ‘what wonderfully insufferable thing is going to come out of your mouth this time you little shit :’)’

- a) why are scott and logan shirtless for this scene? I am not complaining on the logan side of things at least but why and b) I laughed so hard I almost fell off my couch when scott asked logan if he’d ever been in love and he was like ‘once. she was the most beautiful bike I ever saw’ falsdfhaskjfhsakjlfhasklhjfd THE BEST VERSION OF WOLVERINE EVER, ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES 

- mystique’s sheer dedication to being a petty bitch is kind of inspirational tbh, almost makes me want to go on a completely bonkers and extra crusade of personal revenge myself  

- oooh they’re doing some genuinely cool things with vision/lack of vision in this one (it’s the scott left on his own in the desert without glasses one btw) even visually, dang! I’m so sad this show didn’t get more seasons than it did, honestly, it deserved it

- hell yeah jean wreck her, go get your man with the suspiciously specific clothing damage normally done to female characters 

awww :’) okay yeah they’re super sweet, I love the tiny loving animation details like how he leans his head against her and her stroking his hair away from his eyes

- nooo don’t bully evan leave my t0tally r4dical sk8er boy alone :(

- I love the running joke of people fleeing in blind panic only to reveal that what they’re running from is kitty’s cheerful well meaning little face fskfaskh 

- scott and jean are already peak married after officially being together for one episode and it’s adorable, and they just stone cold threw logan under the bus, rip wolverine we hardly knew ya

fjasdlfasldfhslajdkfhsadkjlfhsdkjalfhsdakfh h jean establishing herself as the alphabitch of this relationship by throwing her man to the wolves right after dsjfhaskjfhaskjhfsakjdhfaskjhfaskdhfskjahfskdajhf get smarter or get volunteered scott 

- ...eyepatch lady is so hot ngl

oh evan went to the place hank used to go to calm down ;________; (honestly he’s kind of won a place in my heart just by being a pretty normal teenage boy haha)

- jesus fucking CHRIST can you imagine being storm having to look her sister in the eye as she tells her ‘I lost your only child, he’s *vague gesture* somewhere in the sewers we think’ this poor woman

- amanda the self admitted monster fucker you are so VALID (I love her and her family’s design so much tho!)

- it’s so cool that even in his human ‘disguise’ kurt’s fingers follow the shape of his actual hand beneath it rather than moving like a five fingered hand, it’s such a lovingly consistent little detail 

- magneto and mystique in a breathless race to see who can be the shittiest parent... tune in next week for yet another parental nadir (also some low-poly gambit appearances in this one, for those at home keeping score (me), he’s in the background looking like someone drew him with their eyes closed fakjldfhasd look how they massacred my boy)

- someone please teach the brotherhood boys about consent huh

- jean ‘soccer mom before her time’ grey and her SUV dfhakjlhds :’)

- im sobbing rogue baby girl i’m so sorryyyyyy, this voice actress is so good, my parental instincts suddenly kicked into overdrive hearing the crack in her voice :( (bb me was right tho rogue centric episodes ARE the best episodes. that tension between ‘do I identify witn this character or am I crushing on her?? both???’ now has the fun new addition of ‘oh god oh no you are a baby I want to shield you with my body from everything trying to hurt you’)

- mystique is like ‘so you see despite you telling me you never wanted to see me again I completely disrespected that and posed as a friend your age, manipulated you by offering you the mirage of direly needed emotional intimacy and belonging and added some sprinkles of homoerotic tension to it just to massively worsen your already existing grievous psychosexual trauma and identity issues... out of love’

god go jump in a black hole you fucking monster 

- there’s some very interesting and quite subtle subtext about the people she’s morphing into and what that says about her mental state/how it shows off some of her emotional baggage with the rest of the team. it’s like she’s switching between people/powers that fit the purpose as if she’s going through cycles of fight/flight (and then bursts of freeze where she’s herself, which is... so sad)

- this whole episode is hurting my heart but rogue at full power is undeniably epic  

 - ‘professor x get your goddamn act together and get this poor girl some fucking tHERAPY’ challenge

- SAFE PAPA LOGAN ;_____;

- EYYYYYY opening straight on My Lad, I cannot stop winning!!!!! 

fasdfhsad disintegrating the window with a smiley face... remy I do love you more than my heart can bear honestly, hello may we speak about the fact that his urge to be a little shit is so deep and strong it survives mind control (that little breathed out ‘hiah!’ as he vaults the fence too dsakfjsd)

hahaha and he does up the coat fhsalfdsaj 

- magneto dismissing other telepaths like ‘puh-lease, your Meaningful Looks have got nothing on my ex-husband’s’ 

- :’) rogue and kurt sibling timeees

- say what you want but this pyro guy’s got job satisfaction in being a creepy arsonist with a weird recurring horse theme (well at least twice but still weird)

- I love how beast is the kindest man to ever walk the earth but also straight up savage, this man drags people so hard their ancestors wince in their graves

- gambit taking the time to complete the guard’s game of solitaire -- this episode is giving me everything I want. u little disgrace mr lebeau

and THEN he takes the spider out in the most hilariously bonkers way my heart is so FULL

(I love that when magneto moves by he looks startled and has to quickly move his head out of the way to avoid getting kicked in the temple too that’s a fun detail)

I’m so INTO how this sequence shows off that his greatest strength isn’t even his powers (which are pretty straightforward, really, he makes go boom, longer time and bigger thing bigger boom) but that he’s clever and creative and always extremely ready to be the most harebrained-bananapants-extra-in-a-deceptively-laidback-sort-of-way person in the room (I actually have some genuinely Deep Thoughts about how his whole character does a really interesting thing with having the straightforwardly destructive nature of his powers yield to what his nature as a person is, and how using the playing cards play (heh) into it, maybe I’ll write it out some day. just the fact that he could use anything, but he deliberately chose something that adds style and playfulness and corny charm to it and that also limits the damage of the explosions compared to if he habitually used something with more mass... I find it fascinating how much he’s made a story around himself with it and how deeply it shows he does have a good heart, at the end of the day, in almost a metatextual way. he doesn’t want to destroy things or people, he’s at worst (and best lol) a thief.)

- I honestly have literally no memory of white nick fury (which seems so weird now isn’t it funny) in this series from when I was a kid, he clearly did not make an impression on me lol

- mr wolverine ‘assigned canadian at birth’ x-men 

- oh man I dig the androgynity of x-23′s outfit (even tho they had to compensate with the long hair, which... kind of doesn’t make sense in-universe but does on a design level because it’s a crucial thing that she’s a female clone of logan so yeah okay fine whatever have your arbitrary gender markers if you must haha)

ooooooh that’s actually really clever, they make her gender gradually more obvious as she unravels through the episode and her outfit changes -- first the mask coming off, and then her jacket opening to show her silhouette more clearly, that’s cool!  

- my god what really sets this show apart is how much it invests in little character and relationship moments, it’s just so fucking GOOD! it gives laura looking in on those moments such depth and weight because it’s new to her but established to us as an audience, this is how you make found family devastating people (storm growing bonsai trees is so charming too haha) 

- ooof this is honestly quite harrowing 

SHE’S SO SMALL COMPARED TO HIM I’M CRYING (at least that part of his genes translated over faslkfsjdh short king, I say this with all the love and support of a fellow short monarch)  

- tabitha seems to just be running around doing precisely whatever the fuck she wants and you know what I support her even if she is an asshole her father left her a bunch of trauma and no fucks left to give 

- still thrilled about professor x explaining the spider key fuckup to magneto after the fact like ‘magnus you dumb bitch this is why we split up’ 

- awww kitty has anime and movie posters on her wall and sleeps with a stuffed toy :’)

-          remy                           rogue

                              🤝

doing completely unnecessary parkour around the brotherhood living room seemingly just for the hell of it... I’m not saying soulmates but fucking soulmates 

- fhsadkjlfhsakjldfhsadjkfhsdajkfh just as gambit’s soul-level need to be a little shit survived his bout of mind control, rogue’s deep and urgent desire to kiss gambit full on the mouth survived hers I can’t breathe

she looks so pleased with herself too GOOD FOR YOU GIRL at least get something out of this other than more trauma 

also not only the fact that he’s smart enough to figure out what’s going on (though he’s only partially right about who’s behind it. I do so enjoy gambit/mystique deep and sincere antipathy as a constant across all universes tho lmao pure wlw/mlm hostility) but also that he keeps fending her off like he’s not trying to hurt her even though she’s in nigh on unstoppable and invulnerable terminator mode... awww 

- gambit having absolutely no patience for wolverine and sabertooth’s bullshit macho-off and consistently being this little biker trio’s one brain cell is adding years to my life with every passing moment

his voice is a little different in these scenes too, a bit softer and less like he’s trying to impress someone, it’s nice

- hank: well I barely recognize any of these (completely made up) ‘ancient egyptian hieroglyphs’ but from what I can make out -- *proceeds to infodump a perfect coherent narrative* fjdhfak  

listen this whole thing is such nonsense on so many levels, I’m just turning my brain off so I won’t have to think about it okay, the compulsion to put ancient aliens in egypt haunts us as a culture 

- I am CACKLING about gambit in the snow after having to listen to these two chucklefucks ooze testosterone at each other for hours

he started out taking it in good cheer and is now reduced to ‘dieu would both of you just jump off this fUCKING mountain please’

- ah. a little oops-a-daisy there, we seem to have unleashed the apocalypse. please stand by (they really don’t pull their punches with the season cliffhangers in this show haha)

- opening the season on gambit’s merrily grinning face is the easiest way to gain my favour. yes good this season may commence 

baby u r my

 ANGELLLLLLLL

(he’s so cute here tho haha I think it shows the design isn’t unsalvagable, just get him better hair and stubble more like logan has and you’ve basically got it) 

love his exasperated eyeroll when the dude gets spooked (by his eyes? or just the general weirdness?) too

he’s just trying to keep this crazy family of evil mutants together and unmurdered by one another until they’ve managed to avert the end of the world, bless him  

- oh NO rogue’s LIP wobbles my hhhhhheart ;____; such a good animation detail to put in

- like... I know kurt is just a sad scared teenager with a lot of shit going on and all the adults are too busy averting the end of the world to help him... but buddy maybe don’t ask your sister to wake her abuser (who forced her to kickstart the end of the world!!!!!) when she feels utterly unsafe even with her statue version around huh

- ...wanda is good and I want only good things for her. and for her dad to be disemboweled for what he did to her both the first time around and when he forced her to forget I mean what 

- magneto throwing an epic satelite-slinging tantrum b/c ‘no I am the biggest sexiest strongest mutant of the pack :(’... erik fucking get over yourself 

- yes boys absolutely go along with a plan suggested by a dude who looks at you like this 

nothing bad can come of this surely asdfkhsa

- lance’s quarter of a braincell always trying to go ‘hey wait, maybe... not do this???’ and it never helps lol

- in this episode: Logan Has A Bad Day 

...some very specific bondage positions he’s held in here, I am sure this episode awakened something in someone once upon a time lol 

- logan shielding x-23 with his body... im fine it’s okay I’m not crying don’t look at me

- afsdhlsdfjasdlk those sure are some ‘scottish’ accents flsadkjhkdsjahfsd

- scott relieved to finally be able to cede the position of ‘charles xavier’s least favourite son’ to someone else fjsaklfhsajd (poor scott it’s not your fault honey)

supremely cowardly to suggest there is an ex-wife involved rather than charles slutting his way around the british isles back in the day but okay

- kurt with a cold is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. it’s okay kid it’ll get better soon

- ...is there an implication here that professor x is naturally blond. because I am losing my entire little mind about it (i mean he at least has to carry the gene, as does this lady?)

ETA: upon doing some research into this I can indeed confirm that charles xavier does seem to be naturally blond, and after this knowledge I will never be the same 

- “listen, dracula” fskdafghasd oh scott you sweet baby angel I love you

- I know jean’s abilities are a bit ‘as strong or as weak as the plot needs right now’ at this point (so you can have the setup for what’s going to happen with them eventually and she’s basically invincible ;____;), and normally I’m cool with it but god I want her to just squash lucas like a little bug

- ewwwww please don’t ever say ‘daddy’ like that again

- ...what the fuck is even going on this episode’s a mess 

like okay the split personality thing could be something but the way it’s done... what just happened lol

- MY BOY EVAN IS BACK! with a real glowup too (...though kind of weird how he suddenly looks like a grown man)

- augh scott’s eyes are so pretty oh my god ;__________________________;

- that episode in the first season where evan makes the ‘this is my new family!!’ video is so sad now (also, again, his poor poor parents) 

- time for: life affirming road trip with gambit (involuntary) faskljdfhaskjd

stunt therapist remy lebeau 

- I mean the way he goes about it is batshit insane and it’s very much secondary to what he’s actually up to but this is the first time rogue’s sounded genuinely hopeful and confident and like herself in like a season <3 

- he is disconcertingly pleased about her nearly throwing him off the train, and may I just say I agree it’s so nice to see rogue with her old fire back 

- the first time I watched this it was of course dubbed into norwegian, so I had no idea either of these characters were southern lol (though to be fair I probably wouldn’t have had much context for what it meant exactly either, I was like ten at the time and not too interested in america) I seem to dimly remember the norwegian voice actor did a little more of a ‘french’-tinged accent for gambit all over tho haha  

- you know what respect where it’s due, pyro dude knows to live his life for the lols and one has to admire his sociopathic dedication to it

interesting that he, too, seems to have fucking hated magneto -- I wonder if the implication here is that he kept all the acolytes in line with blackmail or by keeping something/one hostage? (except sabertooth maybe he’d just have to say ‘you get to fuck shit up and fight wolverine’ and that’d be enough)

- fsdakfhsd he’s so focused on her he doesn’t notice that guy about to hit him fkafhsa 

- fuck everything else except whatever the hell these two’ve got going on

- it’s weirdly cathartic to have rogue have a conversation with someone who was not happily adopted as well, I don’t think kurt like. gets it because his parents loved him unconditionally and still do 

birds of a feather motherfucker  

- fun detail: when the x-men team are on the shore and logan is sniffing around scott is stepping in something and trying to wipe it off his boots in the background

- when he wakes up after passing out from the touch he’s smiling even though she’s standing over him looking like the rage of god outlined by the moon fsajfsa well the last time he passed out like that it was from a kiss, maybe he still has some hopes and dreams in that direction lol (also he recovers from the tumble down the hill first and is checking on her before accidentally brushing her cheek with his hand, which I thought was sweet) 

and it was in that moment he knew he fucked up *passes out*

- ‘I can explain’ can u remy. can u  

- did it ever even occur to you to just. ask her. to help you. I mean I know it didn’t but like rogue’s always one second away from throwing hands with some bully and is stupidly ride or die, if you’d given her the puppydog eyes she would have crumbled immediately (fair enough I guess this entire episode is telling us he’s not from a background where he has much experience with people just helping him without a price haha) 

- his eyes glowing when he’s angry or upset or using a lot of his power is undeniably cool as all hell. I’m just saying it would be Big Sexy if they sort of flickered with light in moments of genuine vulnerability okay  

- his coat... his coat is what makes the Silhouette tm and I could not be happier about it 

- another parent of the year contestant enters the running lol “hey remy have you ever considered that you’re more of a walking bomb factory than a person? that’s certainly how I think of you hahaha c’mon kid let’s go” 

- the running joke of jean luc getting dollar signs in his eyes seeing the other mutant powers and gambit being like ‘nO!!!!’ and pulling him along is amazing haha

- from the way he looks when he touches rogue accidentally and the way he talks to his dad I’m sort of getting the feeling this gambit might actually be a bit younger than he looks?

here too -- idk why but it’s making the ‘wait is he baby???’ alarms go off in my head haha. very early twenties at most. 

- and we’ve officially seen him with all the face cards in the heart suit folks! (yes this is the sort of thing my brain notices no I don’t know either)

- poor logan running his ass off this whole episode in a panic and then she’s like ‘nah he’s fine (in several meanings of the word ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ) please put him down’ hfaskfsda

- rogue without makeup!!! her eyes look so naked like this haha <3

- oooh here’s a really interesting thing that tickles my brain a bit in this specific part of the scene where gambit frees his dad -- the part where he’s leaning against the door frame waiting for jean luc, who’s about to suggest using the opportunity to ruin the rival gang from the inside rather than slipping away while they still can

from his expression here he knows what’s about to happen, what jean luc is about to say, and it’s clearly a ‘man who thought he’d lost all hope loses last additional bit of hope he didn’t even know he still had’ sort of situation. he KNOWS what jean luc is like, and it still hurts that he really, honestly can’t give him even this, can’t appreciate that remy’s already done all this shit for him when he extremely didn’t have to, without immediately (no really, it took him less than ten seconds to go there? jesus) demanding more.  

remy tells him “I’m just here for you” and jean luc does not understand it. remy seems to be sincere in this motivation -- rogue certainly thinks so, having experienced it second hand and found enough at least emotional merit in it to decide he was worth saving even after all his bullshit (lol a bit of a running theme maybe. I think it’s very telling that after she absorbed mystique she was like ‘what the FUCK you’re a fucking monster’, and after she absorbed gambit she went ‘you did the wrong thing for the right reasons’ after she got over the first wave of outrage) 

there’s also what he says as he stands there: “You don’t need me for that”, with the distinct implication that jean luc would only keep him around because he has a use for him and for no other reason -- and then jean luc shamelessly doubles down on that by specifying that it’s not even him he’s got a use for as such, just his powers. that’s some kicking puppies level of deliberately missing the point, it’s almost impressive in how cheerfully mean it is haha

this idea of using people is really important in this episode because remy’s doing basically exactly the same thing to rogue to begin with; it doesn’t really matter to his plan that it’s her that’s with him through this, just what her powers are. (I think it’s  p r e t t y  solidly implied that he does actually like her a lot outside of that too and maybe there is some comfort in having her around for this, but mostly he’s behind a smokescreen of lies through the whole thing sooo I doubt he’s even aware of it, honestly)     

but then it does matter that it’s her when she comes back for him, even after what he did. and unlike jean luc he understands what that means, that she did that for him, and that she didn’t have to. and instead of asking her for more, in return he gives her the thing it’s been established is what he considers the most valuable thing he has; his ‘last card’, the thing he’s credited with keeping him alive many a time, basically. it’s gone from using to mutuality, a tentative place of friendship, and at the end of the day he is a different man than his adoptive father, with a capacity for selflessness and love he lacks. which is of course some of the same stuff going on with rogue and mystique too, except rogue acted from a more fragile and unstable place and did something she regrets, or at least has a LOT of doubts about now, and she found some catharsis in helping someone make a different choice in a similar situation. man there’s some Stuff going on under the surface here haha

(by the way it’s a weirdly... meaningless yet intensely meaningful thing, the gifting of a symbol? of an idea? but he’s putting something very crucial of himself into her hands, is the subtext, and he expects her to understand, which she also does seem to do. at the beginning of the episode he’s proving that he’s seen something true about her -- “You’re such an unhappy girl”, knowing where she comes from, the way she’s mourning her lost confidence and autonomy with her abilities -- and here she’s proving she’s seen something true about him. :’) I wish this show had gone on long enough for this dynamic to progress, it’s really interesting and touching)   

- gambit dragging himself up onto dry land seeing someone approaching (to help?!): :D

gambit seeing that it’s logan and the look on his face: D: 

- rogue using her powers so confidently and fearlessly in this episode tho!!!! 

- *me crying* and then her FAMBILY comes to take her home and he says he’s looking out for her too and kurt still loves her even though they’re having a conflict thing between them and she’s finally able to use her powers without so much fear again and --

- ...did I just watch some baby lesbian love at first sight shit right now???  

- okay last two episodes let’s go

- HELL YEAH STORM (I love that she’s like ‘don’t give me a dumb order like that and I won’t have to disobey it’ too sdfjsaj) her voice has such command I’m usually very much not the ‘step on me’ type butttt

- y’know I feel like apocalypse’s main fault across all versions I’ve seen of him is that he’s like an immortal superpowered god king and he’s not even sexy. like at least make him hot if he’s going to be insufferable in every other way 

- also callout post for apocalypse: one time he made gambit into the Horseman of Death... and didn’t even make him sexy!!! you were handed remy lebeau, supreme bi disaster slut of the x men universe, and you couldn’t even make his brainwashed superpowered evil side hot?? a beautiful stubbled twunk with glowing red eyes and extremely charming :> face practically delivers himself into your hands and you do that to him???? I mean I’m sure apocalypse did some other bad stuff too but that was the worst one

(comics are so dumb y’all) 

- having to watch jean cry is emotional terrorism!! ;___; she has such older sister/mom energy, whenever she gets sad and helpless it hurts 

- oh, OH so PROFESSOR X you’ll make into a hunk and ~*strategically*~ rip his clothes to show off a nipple and a flawless pec in a way that makes me extremely uncomfortable because he’s like The Dad??? apocalypse you are rotten to the core this is unforgivable 

- so wait wanda never actually gets her real memories back. what the FuCk I hope that was a dropped storyline because they ended the show tragically prematurely rather than like. the plan

- why is spyke calling storm ‘storm’ show that’s his auntie o!! >:(

- as a society we need to acknowledge that apocalypse looks like a fucking clown

- ooooh yeah I have been thinking that this show’s greatest visual weakness so far has been not having a visual way to show telepathy/battles of the minds, but this is a pretty cool way to do it! better late than never

- I’m so happy rogue gets to end this herself, since she was forced into starting it against her will, it’s just nice and neat storytelling

- YEAH FUCKING TELL HER KURT AND ROGUE I AM SO PROUD OF YOU and she has the temerity to look pissed off oh my god

the only valid thing mystique has done in her entire life is be in love with destiny. literally everything else she gets up to is a travesty. like I know objectively she’s hot but my loathing for her stops me from even appreciating it. I do enjoy loathing her tho so please don’t change her haha

(a bit odd to have kurt’s attitude to her swing so much but I’m just going to assume he and rogue had a good long conversation after ‘cajun spice’ and that he understands what’s going on better now)

- this last part is such a cruel tease faskdfhsdaj ‘here are all the cool-ass things we had planned. sucks you never get to see it huh’ im devastated 

- magneto without his helmet and playing charmingly with children like charles is going ‘well at least I saved my marriage finally’ fsadkhfjsd (honestly tho I would be super interested in seeing how they’d redeem this magneto because he’s been a real bitch the whole time lol) 

there’s an interesting thing here where magneto looks down at wanda as the last thing he does on screen before this epilogue part (yeah I hope it fucking haunts you forever what you did to her erik you absolute piece of hot garbage) and the last thing charles does is look at jean b/c he knows what’s going to happen to her and it breaks his heart... Dramatic Parallells  

- just the hint of jean as the phoenix has me in full D:D:D: mode tho maybe I wouldn’t have survived it

- gambit in the last groupshot with his arm around rogue ;^) I mean I’m sure they’re headed for some turns and roundabouts along the way but what’s that thing she says as her wedding vow, that she’ll always find her way back? anyway that got me in my heart

- man I really wish this show had been given more seasons, we were barely even getting warmed up here :’(

[girlobsessed21]

The 100 6x12 discussion: Screw protocol and kill them all

My fingers hovered over the keyboard with nerves and you will see my prudence shine through in the post. Look, this is my favorite show, probably of all time, and this entire season has been an absolute doozy to experience. Then, I get to the penultimate episode and I suddenly feel off my game. Not sure if it’s the abundance of storylines happening at once, the few plot holes, Sheidheda or inconsistency, nonetheless, here’s my experience.

You can go back and read all my discussions from the trailer to 6x11 and I never wavered in my stance that Russel may have morals but he is a well-rounded baddie and the main villain of the season. Sure, we had Josephine and whether it’s Eliza and Sarah’s remarkable acting or the sociopath's substance, I’d love a spinoff series about her. It sure is a fruit salad when you add the monstrous commander to the mix, though I don’t expect that storyline to be resolved by next episode. Clarke never found the notebook and Raven seem to be struggling with his disengagement.

In line with the rest of the season, this is filled with the good, the bad and the beautiful. Russel vs Gabriel, Abby vs Simone, Emori vs Murphy, the devout vs nonbelievers and ultimately kill the few to save the many vs taking no lives at all.

Before all the gory details, I just have to say Eliza Taylor is out-and-out iconic. I cannot sing her praises enough with the shrewd way in which she fits into each character’s skin. The lucid distinction between Clarke and Josephine with her emotions surfacing in her ruse as the latter is exceptional.

In peace, you left this shore, Abby

If you follow my weekly posts, you’ll know my opinion on Abby is quite brutal. I’ve never liked her, perhaps a little in season one but she still caused her own husband’s death.  Season after season, episode after episode my fury towards her grew exponentially and I was more than ready to say goodbye - until now.

Looking into your daughter’s eyes, knowing it’s not her must be soul-crushing. I felt it with Abby, Clarke and Delilah’s parents, which is why I completely understood her threatening Russel. A little tear escaped my own eyes when she cried for the loss of Clarke while Raven tried to comfort her.

Keeping her promise to her daughter, Abby turned herself into a nightblood to save Madi. This has to be one of her most heroic moments ever. I’m not sure if Kane’s final words or this instance bears the turning point in which her past mistakes catch up to her, either way, it’s appreciated. Albeit a strong callback to the Finn and Pike’s deaths.

She did not get a redemption arc but at least her sendoff included a final forgiving chapter.

Ugh, I wanted to punch the smugness from Russel’s face when he realized Abby will be the perfect candidate for his wife. But it came as no surprise, I suspected it.

Her moment with Jackson and the apology to Raven was delivered with such intimacy and poignancy that it provokes a chilling heartbreak when Russel plunges the needle into her neck. Not to mention the way her life flashed before her eyes as she fell to the ground. Paige Turco truly is an amazing actress and I’m curious to see her portrayal of the prime queen even if it’s just for one episode.

At least she had a beautiful, although short, reunion with Clarke.

One last thing I need to add, Raven’s humbleness this episode was more than welcome. I needed to hear that she acknowledges her judgmentalism as a flaw which requires resolve. A lot can be said on the topic, as I’ve done many times before, though I hope it holds up. Seeing such a strong and smart character in constant high-horse mentality is infuriating, to say the least.

To the glory and grace of the primes

Props to Emori, she has really grown into quite the benevolent character. I’ve always liked her, but throughout the entire series, she has only improved. From a scavenger to becoming Raven’s skilled apprentice and a loyal member of the Spacekru family. And if 6x08 wasn’t enough to lionize her, she refuses to play house with people who deems a threat to her and her friends.

All while, Murphy’s plan was to show Russel that they’re useful and on-board with being false gods. I thought he would try to find a way to save Echo but clearly being immortal is his first priority. Apart from asking nicely, he did nothing to protect his friends. Did he justify the decision in his mind? Where is the John Murphy I’ve come to love? Raven’s look at Murphy mirrored all of my own feelings on the matter.

I just have to add that both of them looked stunning when they emerged hand-in-hand as brother and sister. Emori’s dress, damn baby, she hot as hell.

Clarke, on the other hand, is more than resourceful by using Ryker as a bargaining chip. No pun intended. As a mother herself, she knows it’s the quintessential key to Priya’s compliance. And Echo’s attempt at stopping them - top-notch. But can someone please explain when they became friends because if my memory serves correctly, the last time they were together, Echo tried to kill her? Even if she defended her in 6x01, I wasn’t aware they are on hugging terms.

Raven’s perception of the primes as serial killers in royal robes couldn’t be more fitting.

Like I said last week, Gabriel reminds me so much of Monty. Perhaps Mr. Green was slightly stronger; he did kill his own mother when it was necessary. Though, it doesn’t compensate for the lack of Jordan, where is he? Being such an innocent yet brave member of the ensemble, I cannot help but take his absence personally. It’s slightly ridiculous in my opinion.

Anyway, the prince of peace is hellbent on putting a stop to namings day and instinctively changes the plan. Even if I enjoyed his “there is nothing more powerful than the truth” speech, facing a king singlehandedly is foolish. Unfortunately, his presence alerts Russel that the red sun trigger is a fluke. And I suppose unlike all the other heroes of this show, he’s never killed anyone with a gun before. Then again, would pulling that trigger have made any difference with Simone being alive?

Why did Russel not kill Gabriel though? Was it because Dr. Santiago brought his daughter back and gave them the privilege of immortality? Sorry, that part confused me.

Abby!Simone sure is a vision in white, wow but what a total self-centered biatch!!! At least Abby’s death blew the morality right back into Murphy. The two of them have always had a strong bond since he kept Clarke’s heart beating.

Poor Clarke though, seeing Madi bound and realizing her mother’s dead must have shattered her soul. That, right after seeing Bellamy and Echo in each other’s arms. My heart goes out to her still playing the role of Josephine with enough conviction to fool her parents. Our female lead is one strong woman, blaming the tears on her mother’s return and Gabriel’s betrayal.

Now, Madi being alive and well is a bit of a conundrum. Sheidheda said he’ll kill the girl if Raven continues. So, my guess is that he let her live since Raven’s tied up and he needs to wake the Wonkru army and they’re playing right into his hand.

Finally, that standoff ending between the primes threatening Madi and Gaia against Indra, Niyalah and the rest of the crew was supercharged. I’m still yelling, “No, this can’t be it!”

The calvary protocol adjusted

There’s nothing more fun to watch as the Blake’s on good terms. Man, I love it. Octavia being the supportive sibling even more so. And It seems like Bellamy is becoming quite the clown this season. If I’m not mistaken, “I told you she’d get it done,” was like his third joke. He’s always been my favorite, can’t help but smile when he graces my screen.

Fun stuff aside, death to primes.

Bellamy and Echo reunite. Clearly, he’s delighted to find her safe and sound after learning him she’s in trouble. I believe him to be more than guilt-ridden about abandoning her to save Clarke, even if it ultimately was the right choice. I hate to sound like a typical Bellarke shipper but if their relationship continues with no addressing the last three episodes, it would trigger grave blemishes in the storyline.

It’s degrading for Echo to idly accept her boyfriend’s dedication to another woman. And Bellamy has to face those conflicting feelings inside and make a choice; right now he has his cake and takes little nibbles when the hunger strikes badly.

Of course there’s no time right now. It doesn’t have to happen right away or even in this season, yet it can’t simply be ignored. The looks on both Clake and Octavia’s faces suggest they're less than pleased with the intimate embrace.

Moving on, his inspirational declaration of the truth took me right back to season one. The man sure has a way of influencing the masses. Sadly, Russel’s had a bomb of his own which causes one hell of an outbreak for those without anti-toxin and Priya’s death by the hand of Delilah’s mom.

Convenient how there just happened to be a lockable storage unit nearby which Echo knew about. Was it one of her hideouts? And won’t they have to kill all the believers anyway once they break down those doors? Guess we’ll find out next week.

I can’t believe there’s only one episode left, I’m already dreading the hiatus. As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts! May we meet again next week.

[dannifielding]

When I don’t feel like writing, or when I’m hiding from writing Danni, I tend to fall into rewatching Supernatural. And, as such, Amelia tends to rear her head and I get flashes of scenes from the episodes I’m watching.

I’m an OC fangirl, sue me :P

Anyway, I don’t know if anyone is interested, but this is what I write when I’m not writing Danni. I’ve tried to put them in some order, and most of them kinda just... stop. I just thought some of you might be interested 🤷‍♀️

It’s very long, so under the cut.

Also, you may notice a change in ship. She jumps, a lot. I mean, I don’t blame her, it’s a very hard choice, but be warned.

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Season 06- somewhere near the middle

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“I’ll go get Amelia,” Sam declared, standing up from the small table. Dean nodded his agreement as he continued to look through the case files.

“Tell her to Fed up,” he instructed and Sam rolled his eyes.

“What else would I tell her?” he countered. “I’m not an idiot.”

“Coulda fooled me,” Dean retorted and Sam glared, resisted the urge to stick his tongue out at him, and stormed out of the room and to the one next door. He knocked on the door a few times.

“Amelia, we’re found something,” he called but there was no answer. He frowned and knocked again. “Amelia?”

There was still no answer, which was rather unusual and gave him enough concern to pull his gun out along with the spare keycard to her room. He unlocked it and stepped cautiously in. “Amelia?” he tried. “Are you here?”

There was no one in her room, but also no sign of any struggle or any distress at all. There was the sound of the extractor fan in the bathroom though and he lowered his gun, feeling rather ridiculous and also rather glad that Dean wasn’t there to see his over reaction. He walked over, all ready to knock on the door and let her know.

“Fuck.” He froze, hand up to knock on the door, at the loud moan that came from the bathroom. “Fuck, Cas.”

When his brain kicked into gear, his first overwhelming thought was horror, then embarrassment, then a little bit feeling gross that he’d caught his childhood friend in a rather compromising position.

He then thought, as the childish part of him reared its rarely seen head, about telling Dean and how they could tease the hell out of her for having to spend her time solo.

“Amy…”

The gruff voice was a lot more startling and his eyes widened because he didn’t struggle to place it at all. It was a voice he wouldn’t have bet any money on hearing. Were they…

He turned and walked straight out, only taking the time to close the door quietly so they didn’t know he was there. He walked straight back into his and Dean’s room and stood by the door. Amelia hooking up with someone wasn’t exactly news, it was just one of the things she had in common with his brother. Cas, though… How did that even work?!

“Did she say how long she’d be?” Dean asked, fastening his cuff on his shirt. He hated wearing the shirt. He felt like he was going to a wedding. He glanced over at Sam and frowned at the look on his face. “Everything alright?”

“Um, I don’t think she’s coming,” Sam replied, then immediately grimaced at his choice of words.

“Why?” Dean asked.

“She’s- uh- she’s a bit busy,” he replied, pointedly. “In the bathroom.”

“In the…” Dean started before his eyes lit up. “Oh! Walked in on her riding the train solo, eh?”

He was smirking slightly but Sam shook his head. “Not solo,” he corrected and Dean’s mind suddenly filled with a million and one more ideas.

“Man or woman?” he asked.

“Angel.”

Dean frowned. “Angel?” he repeated and Sam nodded. They weren’t exactly best buddies with the angels, and most of them were dickless ken dolls, who the hell would…

His eyebrows shot up. “Cas?” he asked and Sam nodded.

“Oh yeah,” he confirmed. “Getting pretty hot and heavy as well.”

“How do you know? Getting a good listen, were you?” Dean shot back. Sam didn’t appreciate the tease, but Dean did appreciate his offended response.

“No, they were,” he pulled a face, “loud.”

Dean scoffed. “Nah, I’m not buying it,” he said bluntly. “She’s always had a little crush on him, but this is Cas. Cas. He wouldn’t know what to do with a naked chick even if she was stood in front of him explaining the instructions.” He pointed at the wall. “In fact, we took him to strip club and he did exactly that.”

“I’m telling you, it was pretty clear- Wait, you took an angel to a stripclub? When was that?”

“Doesn’t matter,” Dean dismissed. “That can’t be Cas. She must have just been getting a bit carried away.”

Thud!

They both looked at the wall that separated the two rooms like it was about to break down and reveal something worse than hell behind it. There was another thud.

“Bar?” Sam asked and Dean nodded.

“Bar.”

~0~0~0~

Amelia checked again to see if the light was on in the room next door. It was dark now, and getting late and neither brother seemed to be about. They’d not left her any messages, or asked her to go with them, so she assumed they hadn’t disappeared on anything case-related, but it was always a little concerning when people in their line of business weren’t where they were supposed to be.

The first time she’d checked she’d given them the benefit of the doubt, the second time though was rather more worrying and so she knew she had to find them. She was about to call Dean when she heard the distinct roar of a ’67 engine and relaxed slightly. The Impala pulled up and she held her hands out in confusion.

“Where the hell did you two go to?” she asked as Dean climbed out first.

She looked annoyed and confused, but Dean immediately remembered the thud on the wall. “To the bar. We found a lead,” he explained, storming to the door to their room.

She followed him in. “I didn’t hear you go,” she said. “When did you leave?”

“Like, three hours ago,” he replied, pulling off his jacket. God, formal wear was just awful. How did people wear suits all day?

“Wait, what?” she asked. “Why didn’t you come get me?”

“You- er- you were busy,” Sam offered, pointedly, as he locked the door behind him.

“No, I wasn’t. I could have come too,” she protested. “Why are you leaving me out of this?”

Dean looked at her,unimpressed by her anger. He motioned between him and Sam. “Oh, we’re not leaving you out of anything,” he told her.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Sam went to go get you. He walked in on you getting off in the bathroom.”

She wasn’t expecting that. She tried not to act too surprise, instead going on the defense. “I was having a shower, Dean,” she corrected.

“No, you weren’t.”

She glared at him. “Fine, whatever,” she exclaimed. “Like you’ve never gotten a bit frisky when you’re on the road and needed some time on your own.”

“Oh, I hold my hands up to that,” Dean replied before he pointed at her. “But you weren’t alone, were you?”

“Yes, I was…”

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Season 06 Episode 18

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Cas touched them both on the top of the head, and they were gone. His arms lowered rigidly and he turned to look at Amelia. He could sense her unease, and he didn’t blame her. He was confident in his ability to bring back Sam and Dean, but there were bigger issues that may stop him. He needed to be careful, everything hung in the balance and if he failed them, if he failed her…

Castiel!

He grimaced, unable to meet their gaze. “I have to go.”

“Already?” she asked, a little surprise. “Cas, you’re exhausted.”

“I’m fine,” he said, hoping to reassure her but immediately realised how sharp his tone had been. He met her gaze and her concern did not abait. “I’m fine,” he said, this time softer.

Bobby cleared his throat, uncomfortable. “What about getting the boys back?”

“Pray for me in 24 hours, and I’ll return.”

“I’ll pray for all of us,” Bobby muttered, turning around to pick up the timer. By the time he looked around, Cas had disappeared in a flutter of wings. He started the countdown and looked at his goddaughter, who was staring at where Cas had been stood. He still wasn’t sure how much he approved of her and Castiel, but she was happy, and ultimately that’s all that really mattered to him.

“You alright there, Princess?” he asked and she looked at him like she’d forgotten that he was there.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m—I’ll be fine,” she told him. “Beer?” He nodded and she headed into the kitchen and opened the fridge. She then immediately shut it. “How are we out of beer?” she muttered to herself. It was a pretty strong staple in their house, the milk went sour before they ran out of the good stuff. “Uncle Bobby, gotta nip to the store!”

“Alright, Princess.”

She grabbed the keys to the Impala – Dean would never know, nor did he need it right now – and smiled to herself. “I might drop in on Jody,” she called. “Want me to send her your love?”

“Piss off.”

She chuckled to herself as she stepped outside. She liked to spend time with Jody, they got on rather well and it was nice to have someone who knew about the bad in the world yet still lived a normal life.

She started when the door shut behind her and Cas was stood there. She frowned. “I thought you had to go?” she asked him as she walked over. “Is everything alright?”

Her concern felt both wonderful and incredibly deceitful, as every encounter they had together now did. She was always worried something would happen to him, that he would get hurt, but he knew that the moment she found out what he’d done then it would all fade away and he would be left with nothing.

“You seemed concerned,” he told her. “I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“I am concerned, I want you to be okay,” she replied, using his own words against him.

“I am fine,” he promised.

“You’re tired,” she countered. “I can see it, Cas. You know you can’t hide anything from me. Me being concerned for you isn’t going to change.”

Again, it was like a stab in the heart for him. “I don’t want you to worry about me.”

She smiled slightly. “I don’t want you to worry about me,” she told him. A small little smile broke out on his own face as he realised that she was pointing out the pointlessness of him trying to stop her being concerned for his wellbeing. He’d never stop worrying about her.

“I suppose it would be fruitless if I tried to convince you that you don’t need to?” he stated and she nodded along.

“Can I convince you that, although worried, I am also fine?” she asked and he shook his head.

“No, I guess not,” he said and she shuffled slightly on the spot, smiling fondly at him.

“I’m fine, Cas,” she promised. “I’m sure you can’t spare the time to check on me every time you see me frown.”

He couldn’t. It was definitely out of the question, but he’d not been able to stay away when he’d seen the look on her face. He never could.

Castiel!

His head hung. “I have to go,” he told her before looking at her, desperately hoping she could offer him a reason to stay that he could, in all good conscience, take.

All she could do was smile sadly in her own heartache. “If you need me to come, Cas, if you need me to fight…”

“I will,” he cut her off before she could finish her offer. He never would. He wouldn’t risk it, even if he had no other option. He gave her a little head bow and disappeared.

She stared for a moment before taking a deep, sad, shaking breath. Every time he disappeared in the flutter of wings, she worried that he would never go back. She knew it was both foolish and selfish, but she didn’t worry about him losing the war, she worried about losing him to the war. She worried her hands together and she pulled herself together. She wasn’t going to cry, or mope about. Sam and Dean were in the past finding the ash of a phoenix for their big task, her Uncle Bobby was doing his best to help cull the rise of the monsters they had seen. She needed to pull her weight, and at the moment that meant fetching the beer and visiting her friend.

She really wished she’d kissed him, though. She would hate to regret that if something…

She shook her head and purposefully turned towards the Impala, about to barate herself for being such a sap.

Cas was stood right behind her. She almost walked straight into him. Instead he grabbed her and pulled her in for the kiss she’d wanted to give him. He held her tightly, like she was all he wanted and it never failed to make her insides flutter. She clung to him just as tightly and wondered, for a moment, if the war could just wait a few minutes.

He broke off and pressed his forehead against her. “I really have to go,” he told her lowly. “I want to stay.”

“I want you to stay too,” she told him. “We’ll get some time next time around.”

It was hope they both had, and a fact that was diminishing every day. They both missed each other terribly, and it was something they couldn’t share. There were bigger things going on, and neither of them wanted the burden of being too sad.

With one, last, briefest kiss he was gone and this time she knew he wasn’t coming back. Well, not until it was time to bring back Sam and Dean.

Still, she smiled coyly to herself and did a little, happy dance on the spot. She’d gotten her kiss, and it was good.

She then quickly looked up at the sky. “You better not still be watching me,” she warned the air before she finally climbed into the Impala

Despite how much he wanted to, Cas wasn’t watching her. Her Uncle Bobby was, though. He watched her out of the window with Castiel, watched how happy she became just at him being there, and couldn’t help but feel a little happy himself. The ‘dad’ part of him didn’t want anyone near his little girl – man, woman or angel. However, times were crap and any sort of goodness was more than welcome, and he was glad it was happening for her.

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Season 06 Episode 18 Ending

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“You can’t be serious. You’ve only just healed yourself up, will you just sit down for a few minutes?”

“I can’t,” he snapped, frustrated not with her, but with how many times they’d had the same conversation, always wishing for a different outcome. “With Rachel, I need to find out who else is turning against me before it’s too deep to stop.”

She understood, she really did. It was just so hard to watch him go. But he didn’t need her to be clingy, he needed support. “You better come back,” she warned.

“I always do,” he replied. He looked at Dean. “If you need my assistance…”

“Yeah, we’ll call,” Dean finished for him. “Just- Just take care of yourself, man.”

It was an uncomfortable sign of affection, but Cas took it gratefully. “I will endeaver to do so,” he told them all. Just as he readied himself to disappear, to head back to what was going to be a messy cleanup and more paranoia, Amelia’s hand shot out and caught his.

She didn’t look at him straight away as her heart pounded painfully. More than ever, something felt very wrong with her angel and the panic was almost overwhelming. Their life was full of darkness at times but she was suddenly hit with a wave of pure terror at the idea of him leaving.

She looked up and met his gaze. “I love you,” she told him.

All four men were very surprised by the sudden declaration from her, but none more than Cas. They had said it to each other before, that was true, but she’d been rather open with the fact that she didn’t feel comfortable saying it in front of her family. He knew they, as a little group of illfitted humans, could contain their emotions a bit too much, and hid behind bottles of alchol. He didn’t mind, because he knew that she meant it when she said it, and he had absolutely no doubt over his own feelings for her.  But hearing her say it so bluntly when he knew she would rather keep it between the pair of them gave him a rush of reassurance he didn’t know he needed.

He could do this, he could win this war, no matter what it took, because there was a beautiful, caring, hopeful woman who backed him every step of the way.

He held her hand tightly. “I adore you,” he replied before flying off.

Amelia stared at where he had been stood for a few moments more before turning to look at Sam, Dean and her Uncle. Immediately they all looked away, caught at staring at her. “Not a word,” she warned, her voice hard. She didn’t threaten them, but all of them quickly nodded.

“No, no, nothing to say,” Dean quickly agreed.

“Nope,” Sam added.

She nodded once before turning and walking out of the house. They all watched her leave before Sam turned to Dean.

“Did she…”

“Yep.”

“Do you have any idea?”

“Nope.”

~0~0~0~

Amelia wasn’t sat outside long before Dean appeared. He sat on the hood of the car, his feet dangling next to hers. “You know, I think we’re getting a bit old to be sitting on top of a pile of cars,” he commented. She didn’t reply, so he handed her the bottle of beer. They sat in silence until he took a swig.

“So, the big ‘l’ word,” he stated and she looked at him.

“Dean…” she started in warning.

“Hey, I’m not here to judge,” he promised. She relaxed slightly. “I’m just thinking that it must suck, watching him leave all the time.”

She turned to look at him, about to shoot some snarky comment about how it must have sucked leaving Lisa, when she saw the sympathetic look in his eyes. He wasn’t making fun of her, he was being there for her. Her best friend, through everything.

The lump in her throat that she didn’t seem to be able to get rid of felt like it was trying to choke her again so she swallowed it down. “I’m terrified,” she replied quietly. “All the time.” He didn’t interrupt, he just sat and listened and once she realised that she couldn’t stop. “I mean, we’ve got the Mother of all monsters roaming free down here, but we’ve got a war going on over our heads that’s bigger than anything we could even imagine. I-I thought we’d stopped the apocalypse, but it’s just a moment away from being rebooted and I should be worried, I should be focused on that but all I can think about is—” She trailed off for a moment, her voice disappearing again. “There’s this angel, in the middle of it all, who’s holding it up by the skin of his teeth and I’m going to lose him to it. I’m going to lose him to this war. Even-Even if he wins, he’s going to give everything to it and I’m going to lose him.”

She ran a hand over her mouth. Saying it in her head was fine, where she could quash it down and hide it behind a full wall of denial. There was something about saying out loud that was more devastating than any thought she’d had so far. “I’m going to lose him.”

“Hey,” Dean said, pulling close and she started crying. “You’re alright.”

She clung to him tightly, once the tears started coming they didn’t stop. The weight of the fear crushed her. She curled up towards him and he realised, for the first time, just how much she had been hiding from them all. He knew they were sleeping together, he’d known that for a while, but he’d thought it was more a friends-with-benefits type affair, with maybe with it being a little less casual. He thought she had been optimistic about everything, she was always telling him to pull his head out of his ass when he was complaining too much.

He tightened his grip on her, rocking her slightly like he had done to both her and Sam when they had been kids.

“He’ll be okay,” he promised her. “You’ll see. For a scrappy little angel he has it all under control.”

“I’m so scared, Dean,” she whimpered. “That war is going to tear him apart.”

“I know, I know,” he replied before shifting her so he could look her in her eyes. Big, wide, wet eyes that looked at him like he knew all the answers. “You’re right, it’s terrifying, but you know what? We’re not alone in this. We’re all going to be fine, we’re all going to win and we’re all coming out the other side of this, alright?” She sniffed. “Alright?”

She nodded. “Alright,” she said softly. He knew she didn’t quite agree with him, but that was alright. He could pretend a bit longer that he believed it so she would too.

“You know,” she started softly, a little timidly, after they’d sat in silence again for a while. “He took me to Disney World.”

-------------------------------------------------------------

Season 06 Episode 21 Ending

-------------------------------------------------------------

Dean scrambled into back of the car, holding Lisa as tight as he dared. Ben climbed into the front next to Sam without even thinking the moment the blonde held the door open for him.

“Amy!” he barked. “Get in the damned car!”

“There’s not enough room. Get the hospital,” she commanded.

“You can’t stay here, there’ll be more demons around,” Sam told her.

“There’s not enough room,” she repeated firmly. “I’ll make my own way. Get to the hospital, save her!” She slammed the door shut, knowing that they didn’t have time to argue with her.

Dean didn’t want to leave her there, but knew she was right and despite his concern knew that she could take care of herself. “Ben, give her the knife,” he instructed. The boy, still in shock, stared at his mother because he couldn’t see anything else. “Ben!” His gaze snapped up. “Give her the knife.”

He hadn’t said a word since the demon had poofed out of his mom, and that wasn’t any different as his handed it out of the window that Sam had already wound down for him. Amelia nodded then stepped back so Sam could zoom away. She just hoped they would be okay. She hoped they would make it in time to save her.

There was a bang behind her and she spun, knife firm in her hands. She couldn’t stay where she was, she had to move. She started running away from the warehouse, only to quickly get lost within the dark, empty streets, which seemed to be completely devoid of all traffic, so her lowjack options were no existant.

When she felt safe, she stopped, panting, placing her hand on her thighs as she tried to catch her breath. She hoped to God, if he was even still out there, that Lisa was going to be alright. No one should lose their mom like that, and Dean… she knew Dean would never forgive himself.

She needed to do something. She hated feeling so helpless, that was all she was feeling. Helpless and alone and she just wanted to be at the hospital so she could help them, but she couldn’t. She didn’t even know what town they were in. Hell, she didn’t even know the state.

She also hated that she constantly felt like she was on the verge of tears. She hadn’t cried this much in years and she hated being the emotional one. No, she didn’t mind being the emotional one, she hated being the emotionally weak one. But there she was, standing on a sidewalk, totally alone and crying because she knew the one option she had was the one she desperately didn’t want to take.

“Cas!” she screamed. “Cas! Please!”

There was a fluttering of wings and she was still on high alert, so she turned around again, knife ready as if it would have made any difference. He already looked horrified and he stepped forward. “You’re hurt,” he stated.

She held her hand out and, to his credit, he stopped in his tracks. It took her a moment to realise she was covered in blood. “No, no, it’s not mine,” she quickly told him. She then reached up to her painful nose. “Well, most of it isn’t,” she said. “Some-Some of it might be, I’m not sure.”

“What happened? Who hurt you?” he almost demanded but all she could do was stare at him. Now he was here, his eyes blazing brightly, passionately, all she wanted was to both run to him and run as far away from him as possible.

“I—” she started before shaking her head. “I shouldn’t have called you. I shouldn’t- I shouldn’t be even thinking of you, but it was the first thought that came into my head.”

He looked creastfallen, her words physically wounding him. “If you just let me explain,” he started and she shook her head.

“No, no more explaining, no more words, Cas,” she said firmly. “I don’t want to hear it, you’ve hurt me enough. I’m not going to let you again.”

“I don’t want to hurt you. I’m trying to save you,” he insisted. “I do love you, no matter what you think.”

She nodded. “I know,” she said softly. “I think that’s why what you’re doing hurts so much.” There was silence between them but, before she could falter, she took a deep breath. “We found Lisa.”

His shoulders relaxed slightly. “I’m glad,” he told her. “I was looking.”

She didn’t doubt it. “She got possessed by one of Crowley’s bitches and stabbed herself. Dean’s taking her to the hospital, but I don’t think she’ll make it. I think she’s going to die.”

That immediately took his relief away and she felt a little bit of pleasure at knowing that it did. It felt dirty, but she liked it. “I never meant for this to happen. If I had thought that Crowley would hurt them, I would have done something sooner.”

Her face hardened. “Then do something now,” she told him. “Save her.”

“Of course,” he replied. “Where are they?”

She shrugged. “I don’t even know where I am,” she said, almost whimpering. “But-But they would have gone to the nearest hospital. I-I don’t—”

She was shaking, she was in pain and he stepped forward. “You are hurt,” he said decisively. “Let me just—”

She moved instinctly away from his hand. “Don’t,” she instructed. “Don’t help me, help her. Please, Cas. Please, just-just save her. Don’t let her die.” Her voice broke and her head hung. Her hands moved in front of her until she was holding them in front of her like she was praying. “Please, if she dies, Dean will never forgive himself, and please just help him.” She fell forward, onto her knees. “Please, Cas. Help her. Help him. Help me.”

Her begging broke his heart, and he was absolutely horrified to watch her fall to her knees in front of him. It shouldn’t have even been a thought that he wouldn’t help them, and that she thought that he wouldn’t help her was even worse. He also knelt on the floor in front of her and took her face in his hands to force her to look at him.

“I will always help you,” he promised. “You never have to fear me.”

She used to always be so sure that she knew when he was lying, but now as she stared at his bright grace, she wasn’t sure if he truly meant it. “I’ve spent so long being terrified of losing you to this war, that I missed the fact that I already had,” she whispered, devastated.

“You haven’t lost me. I’m right here.”

She shook her head. “I think that you’re further gone than even you realise,” she replied. She leant in and kissed him, and he welcomed her, holding her close, terrified of letting her go.

She broke the kiss softly. “Save Lisa,” she commanded softly. “Please.”

He nodded.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Season 09 Episode 01

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Dean didn’t know what to do. He hated feeling that he was out of every option. He hated feeling like there was nothing he could do but leave it up to ‘God’. Who the hell was he, anyway? He was a doctor! He was supposed to be clinical, unrelentless and smart! He wasn’t supposed to leave it up to some smuck who had decided to leave the world to burn!

God wasn’t going to answer. Cas wasn’t going to answer. The angels out in the world weren’t answering yet and he was sat in a chapel and he really wasn’t sure where to go from there. He was on his own and without ideas.

He couldn’t just sit there. He got off the bench and stormed out, each religious symbol just pissing him off more and more. His brother was dying. His best friend, the woman he loved, was dying. He didn’t know what to do anymore.

~0~0~0~

Amelia Miller was strapped to every machine that could keep her alive, but that was all they were doing. Much like Sam, the doctors were convinced that everything that made her up had long gone. They kept her breathing, they kept her vital signs nice and steady, but that’s all they did. They kept her alive.

Dean had washed the blackness from around her eyes. He’d taken the time with a soft cloth, apologising for messing up her makeup because he knew it annoyed her when her makeup was smudged. Her lids felt much too soft for there to still be any eyeballs underneath, but he kept cleaning and he didn’t dare check. He needed her to still be okay. He needed some good news. For once.

He spent his time between her and Sam, waiting for an answer off someone. He couldn’t sit still.

Amelia was on her own when she sat up in bed. Her eyes were wide but she couldn’t see anything. Her mind was foggy but she still tried to look down. In the darkness shaped appeared. She felt down her arms, feeling the wires and tubes that were attached to her. She didn’t know what they were for, she didn’t know where she was, but every part of her said that being attached to anything was a bad idea. She winced as she ripped the patches off her skin, scrambling with her fingers to find and detach herself with as little pain as possible, but also as quickly as possible. She didn’t remember much of anything, but her fight or flight instinct was telling her to fly.

She was starting to see more shapes, more shades of light in the darkness as she stumbled out of the bed she was on. She moved over until she found a wall and followed it along with her hands. She just needed to find the door. She just had to get out.

Someone grabbed her and she screamed, turning and pulling her fist back. “Let me go!” she screamed.

Whoever it was caught her wrist. “Woah, Amy, calm down,” the voice tried but she used their grip to turn them around, trapping them against the wall. They groaned at the force she used and she used the feeling of power to try and calm the panic she was feeling at her vision being gone.

“I don’t know who the fuck you are, but you’re going to tell me,” she snarled.

The person didn’t struggle. “Amy, it’s me, it’s Dean,” he told her. “Remember? Dean Winchester.”

Amelia faultered slightly. “Dean?” she asked.

“Yes! Can you- Just let me go, alright?”

Dean could very easily throw her off, she knew that, which was why she wasn’t too sure if she believed him or not. His voice sounded right, though, and she couldn’t prove it anyway. She backed off and the person immediately grabbed her arms. “Hey, you’re alright,” he reassured her. “Do you remember me?”

She nodded as she, in turn, reached out and took hold of his arms. “Yeah, I do,” she replied softly. “What-What happened? Where are we?”

“We’re in hospital. You and Sam—” He paused as his voice caught, which wasn’t reassuring. “You were both in a bad way. Lets get you back to bed, eh?”

She held onto him tightly, shaking her head. “I-I don’t know where the bed is,” she admitted. “I-I can’t see anything.”

Dean wasn’t surprised at all. Her eyes were bloodshot, with barely any white left, except for her iris which were bleached right out of most colour. He’d definitely not seen anything like it, not on anyone living anyway. He shifted so he was holding her close. “That’s okay,” he told her. “It’s probably just a side effect. Come on.”

He helped her sit down on the bed. She felt it dip as he sat next to her. “What do you remember?” he asked gently.

“Not a lot,” she admitted. “I remember being with Sam, and you turned back up to get him to stop the trial. We helped him outside and then…” She shrugged. “Then I woke up and I can’t see. What happened?”

Dean didn’t say anything for a moment. He didn’t know where to start. “When Sam stopped the trial it hit him pretty bad,” he started softly. “He’s in a room down the hall. They don’t think he’s going to make it. I’ve-I’ve called Cas, I’ve prayed to everyone but no one’s listening.”

“No,” she whispered, horrified. “No, that can’t be right. No matter how busy Cas is, he’d never leave Sam to die.”

“Metatron really had him convinced he was doing the right thing,” Dean replied. “But, whatever happened, it was what Naomi said. The angels fell.”

“Then—” She turned to Dean, trying to see him in the small amount of shadow she could see. There was nothing. “How am I alive?”

“I don’t know,” he told her. She flinched slightly as something brushed against her cheek, before she realised that it was her hand. He was turning her so she was facing him properly.

“I guess I’ve not come out of it well, though, have I?” she said softly. “Do I look bad?”

“Nah,” he replied. “Your eyes just need to heal. I’m surprised you even have any, after…”

“After they were burnt out?” she finished for him. His hand dropped from her face. “Did I leave wing marks?”

He nodded, then realised she couldn’t actually see him. “Yeah, I thought you were dead.”

She reached out slowly, hand shaking to copy his move and cup his cheek. His stubble was really starting to grow in. His cheeks were damp. She wished she could see his eyes.

“I’m sorry, Dean,” she whispered. “About Sam, about everything.”

She hugged him tightly and he held onto her like there was nothing else keeping him grounded. She sniffed, then started crying softly, then started to sob. Dean held her onto her tighter. “Let it out,” he said encouragingly. “Just let it out, Amy.”

“I’m sorry,” she sobbed. “I’m sorry.”

“You’ve nothing to be sorry for,” he promised. “We’ll fix it. We’ll find Cas, or whoever, and we’ll fix it.” He pressed a kiss on her hair. “We’ll fix it.”

~0~0~0~

Sam’s eyes flickered as he woke slowly. “Where are we?” he asked almost instantly, even before he’d woken up properly. He sat up in the passenger seat and Dean took his eyes off the road for a moment to glance over at him.

“Woah, Sam?” he asked, trying to keep his attention on his road but all he could think about was his little brother, who looked like he was waking up from a long nap rather than a next-to-death experience.

“What?” he asked.

“Okay, take – take it easy,” Dean instructed. “How you, uh – how you feeling?”

Sam shifted in his chair, trying to get the crink out of his back. “Tired,” he replied. “Tired. Like I – like I slept for a week.”

“Well, try a day,” Dean corrected, much to his surprise. “You've been out since the sky was spittin' angels.”

“What the hell happened?”

Dean looked him over for a moment, like he assessing him. “What do you remember?”

“The church, feeling like crap, the angels falling…” Sam’s eyes widened. “Amy! She was-She was dead. Oh my god…” He looked ready to start bawling, or panic, or something.

“Calm down, Sam,” she said from the back seat. “I’m fine.”

He spun in his chair. “Woah!” he exclaimed at the sight of her. She was still bruised up, her eyes looked like she’d been poisoned.

“I guess I don’t look alright, Dean,” she said pointedly. She was staring roughly at the back of his head, then turned to where Sam was. “How are you feeling, Sam?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” he dismissed. “What happened? You were on the floor. There were scorch marks. You had no eyes.”

“It was something to do with Metatron’s spell,” she explained. “I guess the angels falling must have really done a number on me.”

“But your eyes. You look like you’ve gone seven rounds with Andre the Giant.”

She shot him a little sardonic smile. “For decorative use only, I’m afraid,” she replied. “They’re all but useless.”

“You’re blind?”

She nodded. “Pretty much. Making me all but useless as well.”

“Hey!” Dean barked. “I told you about that. We’re going to fix it. The fact that they grew back at all says you’re probably going to get your eyesight back eventually.”

Sam turned back around in his chair, falling heavily against it. They’d watched her scream, and the light burst from her like an angel who’d been killed with a blade. She’d fallen to the floor with burnt out eyes and burnt out wings. She’d been dead. Seeing her lifeless body was the last thing he remembered before he’d woken up.

“I’m glad you’re alive,” he said sincerely.

“You too,” Amy replied softly. Sam was. He was grateful and releaved that they were all okay.

He frowned, looking at Dean. “You've been driving around with me passed out in the passenger's seat for a day?” he asked, confused.

“Oh, I mean, I stopped, you know, let a few Japanese tourists take some pictures. Nobody got too handsy.” Sam rolled his eyes. “I knew you'd pull through,” Dean told him. “I meant what I said at the church. You're capable of anything, Sam, and hell if you didn't prove me right.”

Sam cleared his throat. “Good. 'Cause we got work to do.”

-------------------------------------------------------------

Season 10 Episode 14

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Sam shut the barn door closed behind him. Dean dipped back into the shadows. This was all happening so fast. He’d expected more time, he’d wanted more time. It was one thing to be fine with the idea of dying, it was quite another to be facing it square in the face of a man who he’d seen way too much of himself in.

He turned to Amy, who looked ready to fight, and he knew that her mind was racing over every single way she could help him. Always by his side, forever faithful. Everyone else – his parents, Cas, even Sam – came and went. She was always by his side. It kept him strong, and focused. As long as he had one person to look out for, he was okay. As long as he had one person who cared about him, he was okay.

He was going to miss caring about that.

He grabbed her hands which caused her to look at him in mild surprise. “I love you,” he told her with every last bit of conviction he had. If he was going down swinging, he didn’t want anything left unsaid. He wanted her to know that, while he was still himself, she had taken over his heart.

“Dean,” she breathed, eyes wide. “I—”

He cut in before she could say it. He knew she was going to, but he wasn’t sure he could handle hearing it. “And I’m sorry,” he continued, his voice gruff. “I’m sorry that it won’t mean anything soon, but right now it does and I do.”

“You don’t know that,” she insisted. “I know you’ll be okay, Dean. Even if you don’t.” She tugged on his hand, bringing him closer. He didn’t fight her. “You’ve always been so fucking pessimistic.” She leant up and kissed him. It was frantic, and rather hot, and it didn’t last long enough. The barn door opened behind him and Crowley stepped out first, followed by Sam.

/// Episode stuff.

“Plus, I need you three out here, to take out whatever comes out of there,” he said. “And I’m serious I mean, whatever comes out there.” He looked between the four before his eyes fell on Amy. “But not her,” he said. “You three. Not her.”

“Of course,” Cas replied and Amy nodded slowly. She was a coward for it, she knew, but she didn’t want to take Dean out. She didn’t think she could. Whatever came out there would have his face, would be her friend, no matter how messed up.

She didn’t realise how defeated she’d felt until Crowley handed the Blade to Dean, and he looked at it like he was finally complete again. Not happily, not hungrily, just whole again. Her hand shot out and she grab Cas’s tightly, squeezing it as she struggled to hold herself together. He looked at her, stunned slightly, but didn’t let go. He let her take her comfort, he would always let her.

“Dean?” Sam asked, concerned. Dean slowly looked to his brother before giving him the reassuring smile of an older brother who was trying to downplay how scared he was so his little brother would be okay.

“I’m good,” he promised before turning and walking away. He stopped just before the stairs that led up to Cain, free hand resting on the banister. “Not her,” he insisted again.

Amy swallowed, the lump in her throat hard. “I’m- I’m going to go outside,” she told him, trying to put some force behind her voice. “I’m not going to be here for any of it. I promise.”

He nodded, satisfied, then headed upstairs. The moment he disappeared through the doors she turned to Cas. “Help,” she whispered and he quickly nodded, wrapping an arm around her shoulders.

“I’m going to take her to the car,” he told Sam, who he was sure was barely listening. He nodded though and sent Amy a soft smile.

“Good. That’s a good idea,” he encouraged. “We won’t be long.”

Cas led her outside, to the Impala, which sat waiting for her owner to return, even though it was just a car. He was going to put her in the passenger seat, but she opened the back door before he could even be a gentleman and hold it for her. She sat down on the padded seat, door wide open. She stared straight ahead and Cas stood just outside, awkward but on guard.

“Go inside, Cas,” she told him. His brows furrowed confused.

“No, you need—”

“I need you inside, Cas. I need you,” her voice broke, “I need you to be there for Dean. I will be fine.”

He knew she was right, and that if Dean came out as badly as he had seemed to think he would, then he was needed more inside than standing watch over her. He just knew there would never be a time he would rather be doing anything but keeping her safe. “I wish you wouldn’t lie to me,” he said gently.

She looked up at him, and a genuine smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. “It’s not a lie. It’s a hopeful statement. Hope is never a lie, Cas. Go inside.”

He nodded and, after giving her shoulder another squeeze, shut the door and left her alone. She sat facing straight ahead, and then she cried.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Season 11 Episode 04 Ending

-------------------------------------------------------------

Amelia could have laughed at the sight of the Pizza spot that the door opened up next to. She’d been there so many times that she didn’t even have to be able to read the neon sign. The street was familiar, the sound of the road was familiar. She actually in Lebanon. The stupid angels hadn’t taken her far at all.

She stumbled down the street, trying her best to not walk too heavily on her ankle whilst, at the same time, moving as quickly as she could. She didn’t know how long she had before the angels came back but she wanted to be as far away from the building as possible. And, preferably, back in the Bunker.

She rushed past the first car she came across because she knew that, with its rather new computer system, it would take a bit longer to hotwire. The second one, though, was a bit of a fixer-upper and barely took her any time at all. And, considering that she could see two of almost everything, she had been sure that she would have electrocuted herself before she’d have gotten the car started.

She swerved quite a lot. The pain wasn’t debilitating as it was tiring. Everything ached so much, her wrists stung so much, that it was hard to actually be in pain. Every time she blinked she felt herself drift off further inside her head. It took everything she had to keep herself awake long enough to park outside the Bunker. She fought with the door, mainly because the door handle kept moving around and refused to stay in one place.

But soon enough, she opened the door, and stepped inside. She smiled even though the cuts on her face stretched painfully. She was safe. She was home.

Down below, Dean, Sam and Cas all rushed into the meeting room from the study. The two humans had their guns drawn, while Cas held his angel blade tightly.

“Who’s there?” Dean barked angrily. “How did you…”

Amelia stumbled forward, clinging onto the railings tightly. The cut by her lip was starting to bleed and she was rapidly loosing the fight against being unconscious. Her knuckles turned white with the strain of standing.

“Amy?” Cas asked, sounding as perplexed as normal. She turned, heading towards the stairs. She made it down three before she lost, her eyes rolling into her skull before she tumbled down to the bottom.

“Amy!” Dean cried out, rushing over to her side. He dropped next to her to feel her pulse. “She’s alive,” he told them both. “Cas…”

Cast didn’t need telling twice. He reached down and pressed his fingers against her temples. “She’s just unconscious. Minor concussion from the fall.” With a flash of light he healed her. “She’ll wake up soon.”

“What the hell happened to her?” Sam asked, looking down at his childhood friend.

“Don’t know,” Dean said gruffly. “But when I find out they are going to pay.” He moved to scoop her up, but Castiel took hold of her and lifted her with ease before he could.

“I’ll take her to her room,” he stated. “Then I will scout the area. She may have been followed.”

-------------------------------------------------------------

Season 11 Episode 14 Ending

-------------------------------------------------------------

Amelia felt sick. As she fell to the ground, her stomach churned and her chest ached. Sam was panting and Dean looked horrified, and she didn’t blame them, but neither of them knew. Neither of them knew what she’d done. What her and Cas had done. What her and…

She gagged, the bile rising and she shot off the floor. Dean and Sam watched her dash out and they quickly followed, only to hear her throwing up into the sink. They paused outside because neither of them wanted to deal with vomit, but then she screamed.

Dean immediately pulled out his gun, just in case Cas-Lucifier-whatever had turned up but she was on floor, hair clenched between her fingers as she started sobbing hard. “Woah, woah,” Dean said, crouching down next to her. “Hey. He’ll be alright. Right?” He looked up at Sam for backup, who also knew that her distress was coming from Cas’s new roommate. “Right?”

Sam quickly nodded. “Of course. It’s Cas, isn’t it? He’s survived-Well, he’s survived a lot. He’ll be fine.”

She shook her head. “I-I can’t…” she sobbed. “You don’t understand. I-I feel so—” She rubbed her arms and Dean frowned. She wasn’t comforting herself.

“Dirty,” he finished for her, much to Sam’s surprise. She nodded, which surprised him even more.

“You don’t—I—” She looked up at Dean. “I’ve been doing worse than I let on,” she told him, almost ashamed. “Since me and you- Well, since we stopped being a me and you, you know?” She swallowed hard. “Then, after the whole ‘angel’ debacle, I got worse. I just—” She met his gaze. “Everything sucks. Everything fucking sucks, Dean, and I—” She started crying again and he rubbed her arm. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to…”

“I know,” Dean replied. “It’s okay. What happened?”

She swallowed.  “I felt lonely, and sad and god knows that I needed to feel sexy…”

“You slept with Cas,” Sam finished and she nodded, again looking so ashamed of herself. It hurt Dean, he could feel it, but he didn’t say a word. He had given up the right to anything from her. They were friends now, nothing more.

“A few times,” she admitted. “And it was—” She shook her head. “It doesn’t matter. Because all that matters is that I didn’t sleep with him until like, two weeks ago.” She was shaking. Every part of her felt like unclean. “I didn’t sleep with him until after we spoke to Lucifier.”

Dean and Sam shared a look. “Until he was Lucifer,” Sam said.

“I-I didn’t know it was him,” she sobbed. “I should have known. And… And I had no idea. And Cas has no idea. I-I did that to Cas!”

Dean pulled her close. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

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Season 12 Episode 01

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“It’s worth a shot.”

The bunker door opened and Dean shot up. Mary immediately pulled out her gun, although it took her a moment to tear her eyes off the tiny thing Dean had been using that, apparently, was a computer.

A woman stumbled in, hand on her head. “Cas!” she called. “Sam?!”

Dean and Cas shared a look. “Amy,” they both said. She walked down the stairs, wincing at the light. She’d been hit on the back of the head and left for dead in the forest. She wasn’t sure who by, or why, but she knew it wasn’t good.

“Cas?!”

“I’m here,” he started, motioning for Dean to stay put. He stepped out into the briefing room. “Are you alright?”

“Some bastard attacked me,” she grumbled. “I don’t know where they were…” She trailed off, spotting the blood on the floor. “What happened here?”

“There was a woman. She blasted me away and took Sam,” he explained. “And, Amy…”

“Amy?”

She had been walking over to Cas so he could heal the egg on the back of her head, but she froze at Dean’s voice. She leant to the side slightly and saw him standing in the archway, a soft smile on his face.

“Dean?” she asked softly. That wasn’t right, it couldn’t be…

“Hey,” he replied with a little wave. She pushed past Cas, who understood her happiness all too well. She rushed over to Dean, coming to a stop at the bottom of the small steps down, staring up at him with wide eyes.

“Is it…” she started, reaching out to place a hand on his chest. He nodded.

“It’s a long story,” he stated. He was going to quickly explain what was happening but she pushed him back just enough to be able to pull him down into a kiss. Her arms went around his neck and he pulled her closer with his hands on her waist. He hadn’t known how much he needed to feel her lips on his, but he couldn’t resist deepening in, despite Sam being in danger and his mom stood in the shadows. She tasted like life, and booze, and everything he had known he was going to miss when he’d died.

She was the one to close the kiss and he pressed his forehead against hers. Both of them kept their eyes closed as they lightly panted. “Dean?” she whispered.

“Yeah?” he asked.

“Is-Is that your mom hiding over there?”

“Yeah,” he replied. “The Darkness brought her back.”

“Oh, that’s...” She pulled back slightly. “That’s actually quite amazing.”

He smiled. “It is, isn’t it?” he agreed. He kissed her again, although not the passionate one he’d wanted when he’d come back to the Bunker, then turned to look at his mom, keeping an arm around her waist so she didn’t go too far away. “Mom, this is Amelia. Amy, Mary Winchester.”

Amelia gave her a small wave. “Hi,” she said lamely. “I mean… I don’t know what I mean, actually. I’ve heard so much about you it’s strange to see you here.”

Mary looked between the two. Between her eldest son, who was four years old not long ago, and the woman who he now had his arm around. The woman who, in her eyes, had practically chucked herself at her son.

She looked up at Dean. “Sam?” she reminded.

Amelia frowned at the obvious dismissal, but also looked up at Dean. “Do we know who took him?”

He shook his head, letting her go. “We have a car, though,” he replied. “Let’s go.”

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Season 12 Episode 02

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 There was a knock on her door but Amelia didn’t even look over her shoulder. She just continued to fold up her clothes, neatly putting them back into her drawers, her mind focused purely on the organisation of her room and not on anything else.

There was another knock, but she didn’t say a word. She chucked the next item of t-shirt over her shoulder onto the floor, missing her discard pile by miles.

“Woah, if that’s the reaction every time I come in the room, I’m going to have to come see you more often,” Dean said as he stepped in, closing the door behind him. She closed the drawer she was working on. The last she had seen of him he’d been in the kitchen, starting his way through a six-pack and she’d left him to it.

“You’re more than welcome to the discard pile,” she replied. “Although I’m not sure if you’d fit in any of them with the podge you’ve put on recently.”

“Hey,” he replied, offended. “I’m as fit as I’ve ever been!”

They both smiled at each other but the silence fell over them again. Amelia turned back to the drawers, starting on the next one. “How’s- How’s your mom doing?” she asked as casually as she could.

“Tired, I think,” Dean offered. “She’s had a lot to deal with.” He watched her keep her head down, pulling out items from her dresser. She wouldn’t even look at him.

“Well, we all have,” she replied. “Jumping 30-odd years into the future must be hard, but she’ll settle eventually. She gone to bed?”

“Yeah.” He walked over, standing beside her. She still didn’t look at him, chucking another piece onto the discard pile.

“Don’t blame her. It’s late,” she said airily. “I thought you’d all be asleep by now.”

“So you thought now would be a good time for a spring clean?” he questioned. She shrugged.

“No time like the present. I’ve got so much to get rid of and I was delaying doing it because it’s a pain the ass, but it needs to be done and...”

“Alright, alright,” he interrupted. “What’s wrong?”

She paused. “What?” she asked, sounding confused. He knew better and just stared at her until she glanced up at him. He could see the tears shining in her eyes and he grabbed the clothing from her hands, chucking it back into the drawer.

“What’s wrong?” he asked again. She swallowed hard.

“You-You were supposed to die,” she started. “And-And then you didn’t, and then your mom is back from the dead after over 30 years, and then Sam’s gone and there’s this whole new British Men of Letters bullshit and I can’t even imagine what that’s like. And then I-I had to watch you go, and then you weren’t dead and-and the first thing, the first thing, I do is kiss you!” She chucked her arm out to the side. “That’s not an okay thing to do, but I-I do it anyway and your mom and Cas are right there and you’re just back from the dead and who does that? Who does that, Dean?!”

If her rambling wasn’t an indication of her panic, the way she was getting louder and louder certainly was. Even after all this time he still felt out of his depth when she became incredibly upset. He held his hands out in front of him. “Woah, woah, woah,” he said. She stood still, despite having been moving to pace around, and stared at him, looking almost manic. “If-If you’re worried about me not wanting it, let me tell you,” his lips pulled up into a smirk, “you’ll not hear any complaints about it from me.”

She knew he was trying to cheer her up, and that his words weren’t necessarily lies, but it just felt like a stab in the chest. She didn’t reply straight away as her thoughts jumbled through her head, each digging a little deeper in her own spirialing self-disgust.

“I know Cas is in love with me,” she told Dean, much to his surprise. “I know he’s never stopped, not since we-not since Sam jumped into the cage. And I’ve never-I mean, he’s still in there. You’re both still in there. And knowing all that, knowing that when I was broken thinking I had lost you he was there for me, and I just… And you had your mom, and all I could think of was… Was…” She shrugged. “Kissing you,” she whispered softly. She met his gaze and her pain was more visible than he had seen in a long time. “I can’t keep watching everyone die,” she whimpered. “It’s too much…”

He pulled her close, wrapping her up. “I know it is,” he told her. “I know, and I’m sorry. But I’m back, and I’m not going anywhere. No one is going anywhere.” She was shaking and it broke his heart. His hold on her tightened. “And Cas understands,” he continued. “We both do. We both know what we’ve done to you. He won’t be angry, he won’t have even thought twice about it.”

“What do I do, Dean?” she asked. “I can’t keep losing you.”

He didn’t have an answer, he never did. There was always a part of him that would sacrifice himself to keep his whole family safe and happy, and that included her. He knew his normal instinct would be to took her hair behind her ear and gently encourage her to go find Castiel, who would bend the world to make her happy.

But he’d almost died, and as happy as he was that his mom was back he knew that wasn’t going to be an easy ride.

So instead of tucking her hair behind her ear, he tilted her face up to look at him. Confusion flashed through the pain and he couldn’t help but just watch her for a moment.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he promised again. “I—” He swallowed hard. “I can’t lose you again either, Amy. I came looking for you because I need you too much.”

“Really?” she asked and he knew she had a very valid reason  to doubt him. He just smiled and cupped her face, threading his fingers through her hair. He tilted her head a little further and kissed her again, softly and she whimpered into it. He didn’t deepen it, he closed it gently and watched her eyes flicker back open again.

“If you’ll have me, I’m not going anywhere,” he told her. “We’ve lost too much, this whole messed up little family we have has been torn apart too many times, and if we can, for one moment, have some happiness? I say we take it with both hands. Because we deserve that. We deserve at least that.”

She nodded and her lips pulled into a small smile. One little pep talk wasn’t going to change the world, he knew, but if he could make anyone smile for a while he’d take it. He placed another kiss on her lips before untangling himself. “Go to bed, Amy,” he instructed. “We’re not done, yet.”

She chuckled lightly. “Are we ever?” she replied cynically. “Lucifer’s still out there somewhere, right?”

He pointed at her as he headed to the door. “Exactly,” he stated. “And I have a mom.” He couldn’t help the smile that spread. “Can you believe it?” he asked her. She shook her head.

“It’s the first miracle we’ve had in a long time,” she agreed. “I really am happy for you. For both of you.”

He turned, opening the door and Amelia thought of all the clothes she’d chucked on the floor and how she would have to deal with that in the morning. She picked up the bra that Dean had ripped out of her hands and thought about how she needed some new ones. She thought about the trench-coated angel that she was pretty sure she had been god-awful to and how she needed him more than she cared to admit. She thought of Sam, who had gone to bed absolutely blindsided by his experiences and his mom. And Dean, her Dean, her best friend and the person who used to make her feel safe above all else, and how she had just began to feel the same again before he’d gone to his death, and it had been torn away from her.

Her heart raced, her panic spiked and, as always, her goto way to deal with it was to push it under everything else. “Dean?”

He glanced over his shoulder. “Yeah?”

She shrugged slightly, showing her uncertainty over everything. “Spend the night.”

He knew that, in their pain, they all dealt with things in different ways. Sam would obsess, he would drink, and Amelia… Well, she had a very distinct way of drowning away her problems. He watched the smirk slowly spread on her face as his eyes glanced at the underwear she was currently holding.

He stepped back in and closed the door. Who was he to say no to that?

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Season 14 Episode 03

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Dean was never sure how he felt about the hugs he got whenever he came back from one of his stupid ideas. After all, it was his stupid stunt that had caused all of the worry and pain in the first place, everyone should be angry, not happy to see him. However, it was also nice to know that they were happy to see him regardless.

He had expected one from Jack, but he’d been a bit wary which he also could understand. Cas, on the other hand, didn’t show any trepidation as he held him tightly for a moment. Dean managed a pat on the back, but not much else. He wanted the comfort of his family, but he wasn’t sure he deserved it yet.

“Where’s Mary?” Jack asked once the greetings were done. Dean glanced around again at all of the hunters, looking for the blonde-haired one he couldn’t see.

“She and Bobby stayed back in Duluth to clean up the, uh -- uh, the situation,” Sam explained, casting another sideways glance at his older brother. Dean tried not to shift uncomfortably, knowing that the situation he was referring to was the one he’d created.

“Yeah, well, speaking of cleanup, I, uh I need a shower,” he told them. “Just gonna, you know, tell Amy the good news. She in her room?” He motioned over his shoulder, expecting them to just direct him to her. Instead there was a shared look he didn’t like at all. “What? What’s happened?”

“Um, she’s still in the infirmary,” Cas explained. “She’s still not well enough to leave.”

Suddenly a little paniced, Dean looked between him and Sam. “What?” he asked.

“She hurt herself…”

“Whilst on a hunt,” Sam quickly cut in, which just told Dean it had nothing to do with a hunt at all. “She was-She was fighting some vamps, they managed to get the best of her. We’ve cured her, she’s-she’s just resting.”

Dean just looked at his brother. “Uh huh,” he replied. “Well, that’s a load of crap.”

Sam sighed. “Look, Dean—”

“I know I’ve been out of the loop for a few weeks,” he interjected before he could lie to him anymore. “But I would rather like to not be kept purposefully out of it. That never goes well for us, does it?”

Cas and Sam shared another look, as if debating between themselves whether or not they should tell him.

Jack, on the other hand, was completely oblivious to their silent conversation. “She hurt herself,” he told Dean, who blinked in surprise. Jack’s brows were furrowed slightly. “It’s a human thing, apparently. I don’t quite understand, but Castiel explained it like she had a really bad flu, but in her head. Her bad thoughts were stopping her brain from thinking properly, like if her nose were blocked.”

Dean’s heart stopped for a moment before he turned and all but ran out of the room. Sam opened his mouth, wondering if he should call after him, but he just sighed inside. He turned to Cas. “Could you…”

“I’m on it,” he told the younger Winchester before following Dean.

“Was I not supposed to tell him?” Jack asked. “They are family, and you said family could know.”

Sam took a moment before clapping his hand on Jack’s shoulder. “It’s fine,” he replied. “I think Dean just wasn’t expecting it, that’s all.”

~0~0~0~

Amelia really wasn’t sure that she needed to be trapped in a room anymore. She understood their concern – well, actually she didn’t, which had been part of the issue, but why couldn’t she just be trapped in her own bedroom? They complained that she slept all the time, but without anything else to do what was she supposed to do, exactly? Wallowing in her own misery was what had gotten her there in the first place.

She had just come from the small bathroom that the private room had, chucking the covers off the bed when the door opened behind her. Immediately she felt on edge and she sighed heavily. “Sam, I just went to the bathroom. I don’t need help with that,” she told him firmly.

“Amy?”

She quickly turned and saw Dean stood there, looking as shocked as she felt. He was wearing a vest and shirt combo – something she had never seen him voluntarily wear – but she barely paid attention to anything than the faint glow in his eyes. She took a step back, the side of the bed jabbing into the back of her knees. “How-How are you here?” she asked before she straightened slightly, smirking slightly. “I see that getting in really used up all of your mojo, didn’t it?”

It took a moment for Dean to realise what she was saying, and thinking. “Amy, it’s me,” he told her. “It’s really me.”

She stared for a moment, deciding whether or not she believed him. She was sure that if Michael had been in Dean still he wouldn’t have looked so rough around the edges. And it would explain the way he barely had any grace at all. “Dean?” she whispered and he nodded. She quickly rushed over, chucking her arms around him but, unlike Cas, Dean wrapped her up tightly and buried his face in her hair. He hadn’t expected to ever see her again.

“How-How are you even here?” she asked him.

“Michael left,” Dean explained. “I don’t know why, and I don’t know if I care right now.” He pulled away, looking down at her. He’d expected her to be in a bed, strapped to machines and barely alive, like some sort of movie scene. He’d not expected her to be up and about, or as grumpy as she’d sounded. “What the hell, Amy?” He grabbed her wrists, looking at them. There were no cuts, he’d been expecting cuts, but she was clean.

“Oh, Cas cleaned me right up,” she told him cynically, pulling her hands back. “Regular guardian angel, that one.”

[lizzybeth1986]

Quick Thoughts on DD Book 1 Chapter 5

• Content Warning: There are references to slut shaming while speaking about opera singers, and I speak about executions in the Hamid scene (I've not added grisly details or anything, but to me what I have included does sound a little macabre). I don't know if those warrant a warning, but I'd like to err on the side of caution and ensure that anyone comfortable with that knows this before they make the decision to proceed.

• Okay on with the QT!

• Why hello there, fancy hot looking Ottoman prince dude.

• Looks like not one but both of my MCs will be living the thot life.

• Apologies for the huge delay guys. There was a LOT to unpack this chapter, and it took me a while to actually explore, confirm my research and get a clear idea overall of how I wanted to approach this one. I'm hoping once TRR ends I can get these babies out earlier.

• You know what I realised? The Lady Grandma LIKES a sassy bitch. There are several times this chapter she's actually been more approving of my headstrong Marianne than she has been of my more mild-mannered Florence. See all of this:

She's mostly approving of this, however, when Henrietta is the recipient of this behaviour, but there are also points where she appreciates the MC's candor (if she chooses to show it) such as if the MC refers to the art of the fan as "ridiculous". If there is one thing that consistently gets on Dominique's nerves, it is occasions where the MC might speak of herself and her former background negatively, mostly out of annoyance because it shows she hasn't comfortably settled into her role yet, and Dominique needs the MC to do so if Edgewater is to stay within in the family and bloodline.

• Also I love the subtle streak of independence we get to see in Annabelle. She is someone who is doing what is expected of her, someone who tries to make the best of her circumstances the only way she knows how, but she is also refreshingly open about how stressful it is for her to go down this path, even in her free scenes. She is also playful and mischievous and doesn't take herself too seriously, which makes a lot of her scenes a joy to do.

• I also really really liked the option where you tell her she's the one you want to marry, and her reaction is both a disbelief that such a dream could come true alongside a receptiveness to the idea. It's soft and sweet and beautiful.

• So we start out with a crash course on the nobility we'll meet in London (Alfred Halloway, whose daughter Felicity is debuting this season, and the Barrymore family, who are related to the Halloways by marriage). Only this time, Annabelle wants to be a snarky little boss and fill the MC in on all the juicy gossip that Lady Grandmother won't give her.

• Lady Grandmother: Alfred Holloway is the viscount of Lochdale. His daughter, Felicity, will be coming from her estate at Bellington Hall to make her debut this season.

Miss Parsons: Alfred Holloway is an arrogant prig who looks like an Easter ham studded with cloves.

(For the record, this is what a clove-studded Easter ham seems to look like:

Holy shit Annabelle you savage af)

Lady Grandmother: Miss Holloway's family is also tied by marriage to the Earl of Barrymore...

Miss Parsons: Oh, avoid the Earl of Barrymore. His bed has more traffic than Drury Lane!

Annabelle here must be referring to the crowd that tends to flock around the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane, which was popular as a source of entertainment for its plays and had a seating capacity of 3000 people.

• The free scene with Annabelle is important because it eases us gently into the main themes of her scene later on. The women get to speak about the whole concept of a "marriage market", and straight off the bat Annabelle lets us know how uncomfortable she is with having to go through a wedding to another man.

• She also speaks about what else - besides the fact that Harry was her closest friend - about his death affected her. Having been promised to Harry, Annabelle didn't have to go through the rigamarole of finding a husband. She had learned to settle with the idea of being married to someone who she knew and liked at least, if not loved. It's sad to us modern readers now that Annabelle would have to settle for less than passion or love, but back then I don't think she could have imagined a better deal. And now...and now she will have to settle for even less than what she had with Harry. This was a pretty neat way of easing us into the larger conversation she has with us in her diamond scene.

• A few days pass, and Briar is now helping us get ready for the trip to London. You have the option of encouraging her romance with Mr Woods, which...cmon. They cute 😊

•

Ooh so our House Colours are navy blue and gold! (considering that the Earl's default outfit itself is navy blue, I should have figured that would be a house colour). It's nice but MY NECK WHERE IS MY NECK.

Did You Know: that up until the middle of the 19th century, men's and women's riding habits were largely made by men in a distinctively masculine style. This is what Candice Hern's article "Regency Habits, Overview" on her website Regency World, says:

"Though the style and cut of riding habits changed with time and fashion, they continued to be tailored in a masculine style throughout the 17th and 18th centuries and into the early 19th century. In La Belle Assemblée in 1815, we read that: “Habits have, ever since they were first brought into fashion, been considered as decidedly calculated to give even the most delicate female a masculine appearance, and the wits of our grandmothers’ days were unmercifully severe on the waistcoat, cravat, and man’s hat which were then the indispensible appendages to a habit.”"

•

YOU'RE NOT COMING WTF DAD NO.

• WHO KNOWS WHAT THEY'LL DO TO YOU WHILE I'M GONE.

• I'm having a sinking feeling about leaving my old dad around in this house while Henrietta is still there, Grandma had better be his bodyguard (or maybe not. Cordonians seem to have weird ideas of what constitutes a successful bodyguard *COUGHCOUGH Mara and Bastien COUGHCOUGH*).

• Like most of the fandom I have a feeling the Earl will die sooner than we think. @i-dream-so-i-write once mentioned that it could well be towards the end of the book, and I think that's a fitting dramatic turn this book would take into the next. I'm going to miss the hell outta this guy though 😟

• Henrietta sent Mr Marlcaster and Miss Sutton ahead of time so they can screw things up for us, so we will need to butter them up like no tomorrow when we reach there, apparently.

• Hello Luke! It's been exactly one chapter!

• Kinda like the bonding the MC and Luke have with regards to the horse. Their first real conversation began with Clover, so it is fitting that their bonding continues over her at least for their initial interactions.

• Aww man, Henrietta wants Clover the horse to be sold and they give you a diamond option to keep her, name her and get extra scenes with her. Florence calls her Moonstone, Marianne calls her Pepper. Moonstone suits Florence's particular sense of whimsy, and I figured Marianne would want something short and snappy and it helped that Luke gave the horse some salt before the diamond option came up 😂

It's a fairly nice scene I guess, but it drives me batty because this book is already taking astronomical sums of money early on in the book, and people are already beginning to get frustrated. Even TRR, which is a pretty expensive book, took more than half the book before they pushed forward the option to buy the Derby horse. It just is beginning to feel like too much too soon at this point.

• Of all the free scenes this chapter, my favourite has to be the exchange among the four in the picnic en route London.

I found this particularly interesting because all of these people, so far, have been outside the rigors of the Season in some way or other. Briar is the most outside of this system of doing things: she has grown up completely out of it and will probably always struggle to understand the way things work within the gentry. Luke has spent years in that environment (that of the gentry) so he knows some of it, but he still is and will always be an outsider. Annabelle has grown up in this environment and is perhaps the closest to it, but has never had to take active part due to her association with Harry and the Edgewater Estate. And the MC straddles both these worlds. She is an heiress, part of this high society, but she was born in and more familiar with Briar's worldview. And I love how this scene captures all this in just a few bits of dialogue.

• Also Luke's sensible response to Annabelle's question and Briar being a teasing little imp is super cute, I will fight anyone who disagrees with me on this 😂😂😂

• So many gems nestled in Annabelle's scene guys I can't even. There's so much going on in this one. So much.

•

The main thing this scene does is to - without a doubt - establish Annabelle as a closeted lesbian. She's still at the stage where she's aware and finds it odd that she doesn't hold any affection for any man, that the idea itself of marriage frustrates her, and her growing confusion that she's now feeling for a woman all that she "should" be feeling for a man. There are points where she almost welcomes it, like the scene I mentioned earlier, but she still is clearly struggling.

The MC has three ways of responding to this - one where she misses the point completely and says "you haven't found the right man yet" (Marianne, unfortunately), another where she states that she "understands" (which is left open - either it is a gesture of support from an ally, or it is from someone who understands her dilemma to...well...some extent. Florence is the second. She is bi, so her "I understand" was basically "I've fallen for some men sure but I also have a hard time figuring out what my sexuality is"). My favourite is the response where the MC speaks of facing a similar dilemma in her life and is an excellent choice if your MC is also a lesbian. I couldn't use this one for Florence or Marianne because it didn't ring true for either of them, but I did see the screenshots on tumblr and it's quite poignant.

Did You Know: Lesbian/sapphic relationships and sex were not as much seen as illegal as invisible...and this was an attitude that a later monarch, Queen Victoria, would uphold as well, refusing to sign a legislation to criminalize it by insisting that "women do not do such things". Obviously as we all know, she couldn't be any more wrong. Today we know of famous lesbian women of the Regency as Anne Lister, owner of Shibden Hall, and the Ladies of Llangollen - two women from Ireland named Eleanor Butler and Sarah Ponsonby, who had a romantic relationship for over 50 years. Gail Eastwood, in an article titled "Queer in the Regency: a Slice of Once-Hidden LGBT History" says:

Defying their families, the two established an estate in Wales, called Plas Newydd, rather than enter into marriages with men they did not love. Though they incurred significant debt in order to have a staff, they survived on the generosity of friends until a fascinated Queen Charlotte convinced King George III to grant them a pension.

Plas Newydd became something of a haven for writers during the Regency era, especially since the couple living there could afford to keep it. 

Part of me wonders if elements of this story may be found in the Annabelle x MC route. Or like Anne Lister, who was well-endowed enough financially that she could refrain from marriage and have relationships with women. Maybe, or - given the limitations of having to chart out a storyline that will suit every LI - maybe not. Whatever it is, I'd be very interested in finding out how they'll handle the MC's romance with Annabelle.

• The second most interesting thing is Annabelle speaking about her poetry, and the restrictions her father has kept on her talent. She mentions him looking down on women's poetry as being "all bad rhymes and flowery sentiment", and that - in keeping with the times - he prefers Romantic Age poets such as Wordsworth, and that famous influence on Romanticism, Shakespeare. If we choose to ask her about showing us her poetry, she tells us her writing is "of a...delicate nature" (get it, girl! 😀) and if we choose to encourage her instead, the MC makes references to Mary Wollstonecraft, whose ideas of gender equality were considered radical for the times, and who is seen as one of the earliest feminist icons.

Did You Know: that in a time when female education was mainly geared to prepare women for their domestic roles, Mary Wollstonecraft advocated for women to receive an education that would help them survive beyond the home and the marriage market, stating that the one real barrier in the way of gender equality was the disparity in the education women received compared to men. She says, "this homage to women’s attractions has distorted their understanding to such an extent that almost all the civilized women of the present century are anxious only to inspire love, when they ought to have the nobler aim of getting respect for their abilities and virtues".

Her daughter, Mary Shelley, would write the famous novel Frankenstein in 1818, two years following the events of Desire and Decorum.

• Within this scene also lies a little tidbit that will hold some importance in Chapter 7: the MC tells Annabelle that her mother used to sing in the opera:

So this could be the root of some of the snarky remarks Henrietta makes about the MC's mother. She has close pretty darn close to calling her a "prostitute" on more than one occasion, and her comment after the MC sang along with Annabelle in chapter 3 about how it was "no wonder" that the MC could sing, given her mother's profession.

Did You Know: Opera singers had a very different reputation in the Regency era, not all of it very positive. Shana Galen, who is described as a Regency adventure author, speaks about how opera singers were viewed at the time: Of course, it was perfectly acceptable for a young lady to show her talents on the pianoforte or to sing in front of a small group of family and friends, but performing on the stage at Drury Lane or Covent Garden were frowned upon.

Female performers, especially, were shunned by society. One example of this sort of attitude was seen in the ridicule faced by a singer named Dorothea Jordan, who had an long-running affair with a Duke, bore him ten children, and who was the subject of a "satirical cartoon that showed her in her bedroom, gazing adoringly at a duchess’ coronet, which she hopes someday to wear by marrying her lover. A map on the wall purports to show the route from “Strolling Lane” (i.e. prostitution) through “Old Drury Common” all the way to “Derbyshire Peak.” A genealogical chart of the nobility lies on her dressing table, and her bed-hangings are crowned by a Phrygian cap, symbol of the French Revolution. The latter is intended to ridicule her pretensions to nobility; as a common woman, let alone an actress, she should know her place" ("Glimpse at Opera during Jane Austen's Lifetime" by Maggi Andersen, for the blog Historical Hearts).

• Luke's scene on the other hand is lighter in content but is important if you look at it from the viewpoint of establishing his role in the MC's life before they reach London. As a neutral friend, he is happy to serve her and considers her a vast improvement over Countess Henrietta. He tells her that she possesses what Henrietta lacks, understands something that Henrietta would never understand in several lifetimes: that looking down on people she believes as her 'inferiors' will leave her at a disadvantage eventually.

But if you hint at having feelings for Luke, the entire mood of the scene changes, and you see him feeling torn between his growing affections for her and his recognition that any relationship beyond the professional will end badly for them all.

• The thing with both Luke and Annabelle is that to not fall for them is to maintain the status quo. So even if there is an element of attraction, the MC not reciprocating does not tip the delicate balance that governs their lives at Edgewater over. But when she does...it gives rise both to moments of joy...and moments of fear.

• Ooh I love the animation for the train!!

I mean...just...look at this!

• The MC and Briar get to react in awe to their first sight of London before they get down from the carriage. We find out that we're pretty much stranded on the streets of London and no one has come to pick us up. Gee thanks, stepbro.

• Not gonna lie, but seeing Prince Hamid's shocked!face on his full-body shot made me giggle a little.

• He introduces himself as Imperial Prince Hamid, cousin to "his Imperial Majesty Mahmoud the Second, Caliph of Islam, Sultan of the Ottoman Empire, and Custodian of the Two Mosques (the last especially was used in royal titles for many Islamic rulers, and refers to the Al-Haram Mosque (al-Masjid al-Ḥarām) of Mecca, and the Prophet's Mosque (Al-Masjid An-Nabawī) of Medina).

• In a sense he kinda reminds me of Kamilah: he is a fictional character positioned as being related to an actual historical figure, so they will give us plenty of background about the countries they were from (Egypt and Turkey [Istanbul in this case], respectively) but keep the actual historical figure at a distance. Making the fictional character a cousin and a person of an important position in that court is a smart choice to make: they're important enough to represent the royals of the times but distanced enough that it doesn't seem unnatural if they aren't that close and ergo can't tell you personal details about said historical figure.

• Did You Know: Sultan Mahmud II (the cousin Hamid mentions) was seen as quite a progressive ruler of his times. 1829 onwards, he tried to bring many, many reforms into the Ottoman empire, including (according to the Encyclopedia Britannica article on him) "adopting the cabinet system of government, provided for a census and a land survey, and inaugurated a postal service (1834), introducing compulsory primary education, opening a medical school, and sending students to Europe. In addition, the sultan’s right to confiscate the property of deceased officials was abolished, and European dress was introduced". It looks like some elements of this way of thought could be reflected in Hamid, from his talk of diplomacy in his diamond scene.

• Hamid not only positions himself as a bit of an outsider to England but also as a man who travels: talk of travelling and seeing the world is his ice-breaker when they get into the carriage. This will allow him not only to help familiarize the MC with London, and his home Constantinople, but also give her (and us) a view of what the world looks like at this point. For instance, if the MC speaks of even London is unfamiliar territory to her, he mentions the Blue Mosque, the construction of which was completed exactly 200 years prior to the events of the story.

• The other very essential point of this scene is to provide a bit of a parallel to Luke, but also as a counterpoint. Luke is disadvantaged both by his class and his race - ergo he has a very layered perspective. Hamid has privileges, but he is also aware of and in some ways used to the reception he gets in England, and has figured out how he wants to respond. Both Luke and Hamid find their ways to cope with their situation, and the MC is allowed - according to the ethnicity chosen for her - to relate to both.

Florence, for instance, relates heavily to this as someone is visibly a foreigner even though England is the only home she has ever known. Marianne does not fully understand this, but she can tell him like any decent human being would that she thinks it's wrong of people to treat him that way.

• Just prior to this the two manage to see the Tower of London, notorious for the imprisonment and execution of many, many people including royals and nobles. There is a short but rather poignant conversation on the "many people tortured and murdered over who had the right to sit on the throne" (among the people executed, you will find names like Anne Boleyn, Thomas More, Lady Jane Grey, Guy Fawkes and Walter Raliegh).

• Did You Know: For a long long time in England, executions were seen as a bit of a spectator sport. The more unusual the criminal, the bigger the crowd. The Capital Punishment UK blog speaks of the kind of atmosphere usually present around the time:

In many counties, executions were held on market days to enable the largest number of people to see them and school parties would be made to attend as a moral lesson, something which is certainly recorded as happening at Lancaster Castle.  Public houses and gin shops always did a very brisk trade on a hanging day.  

However, attitudes towards executions experienced a shift around the late 18th-early 19th century, and by 1864 Parliament established a Royal Commission on Capital Punishment, with a declaration that executions would take place inside the prisons rather than in public.

I'm not sure if this was intentional, but possibly the MC's and Hamid's reactions to the tower may be reflective of their times.

• Interestingly, Annabelle is shown to look jealous if you've been romancing her, and giving you a sly grin if you're just friends. I quite liked that little touch. Luke meanwhile is a little less open about how he feels at this point: whether you're romancing him or not, he is described as "watching you carefully" during your exchange with Hamid.

• So Mr Marlcaster got the letter from the Duchess to send a groom for picking the MC, but didn't...as per his mother's demands, surely. But AT LEAST you should have been a little prepared to answer me in case I dropped by anyway, dude? Instead of just standing there and staring at me like a scandalized goldfish.

• Looks like Edmund is still going to try screwing things up for us, and we'll need to find a way to get him on our side. After all, we get relationship points with both him and Theresa Sutton, and Lady Grandmother did tell us we could find a way to get them to be with us rather than against us.

• I'm looking forward to Chapter 5...but it's Chapter 6 I REALLY want to see. We're going to learn a bit more about the MC's mother's background!

General Thoughts:

• OMG so much was there to unpack this chapter!! A lot of it to do with Annabelle and Hamid, and Luke has taken a bit of a backseat this chapter but I'm hoping that's a taster of what's to come in his case.

• Look I love this story but IT COSTS SO MUCH. WTF. Keeping Clover was a nice option but it really added nothing to this chapter and could have easily been shifted elsewhere. I want this book to do well. I'm happy with how they're writing it, the effort they're putting into their research and into their characters so far...and I would hate for it to not be appreciated because they made it so hard for people to get into the book by making it this expensive so early.

• Florence is going for Annabelle and Luke (leaning more towards Annabelle at this point), and Marianne for Hamid and Sinclaire (I'm not sure yet but Hamid is a very very strong contender!!). Who would have thought I'd have my first polyam MCs in a book on Regency Era England!! Who woulda thunk!

• Annabelle particularly intrigues me at this point. She is clearly established as both inside and outside of this system, and vocally critical of it at least to the MC. She writes about her desires against the chargin of her father, and states that she doesn't want to merely settle into a 'safe' relationship like her mother, not unless she can know and trust that person (which is mostly why she agreed to the match with Harry even if she didn't love him). She is confused, and open and honest about her confusion. I really think the foundation of this character is immensely strong, but they really need to keep working on her and not just drop their efforts on her halfway. And I've seen that happen enough times with female LIs to be afraid.

• At this point, we now have three male LIs (one Master of Horse who is African-American, one family-approved eligible bachelor and one prince of the Ottoman Empire) and one female love interest. Is there space for one more confirmed female LI? I sure hope so but at the same time I don't want keep my hopes up.

However...IF the plan is to keep just one female LI, then they'd better do a pretty darn phenomenal job of her. If you're not going to give wlw players other options it's only fair to make sure the only option is given really, really good writing - consistently. They're doing a good job so far...but there's a long long way to go before I can fully trust PB to do justice to her.

• That's it for now! On to Chapter 6!

• Tagged: @boneandfur @liamraines @thespiritpanda @alanakusumastan @ernestsinclairs @private-investigator-nazario @bcdollplace @thedepthsremember @mcbangle @queenodysseia @novaelaras

If you'd like to be tagged on these QTs, do let me know! 😀

[sage-nebula]

How do you think Alan and Sycamore spent their first Halloween (or whatever the pokemon equivalent would be) together?

Hmm, well, that first requires figuring out what the PokéWorld equivalent of Halloween is—and in this case, the Kalosean equivalent specifically.

I have a very strong fondness for Halloween (as in, it’s the only holiday I actually enjoy), so I like to think that all regions celebrate it in some form or another. However, the regions are all pretty culturally distinct from one another; even in the case of Kanto and Johto and their joint League due to their history (i.e. Johto as we know it is still a pretty young region that only recently gained sovereignty in the grand scheme of things), culturally Kanto and Johto still have many distinctions between them, which is a huge part of what drove Johto to fight for its own autonomy to begin with. Therefore, while there may be some holidays that regions around the world share (such as how many countries in our world celebrate Christmas in its commercialized form), I feel that not only would there be many holidays that would differ or would be region specific, but that even if there are some holidays that are shared, the lore behind them might shift and change even if the traditions practiced during the holidays remain the same.

So with that said, as far as Kalos’ version of Halloween goes …

In Kalos, the holiday is more than likely called La Veille de la Cercle. According to Google Translate (and apologies to any native speakers if both Google Translate and I horribly bungled this), this translates to “The Eve of the Hoop / Circle / Ring”. In this case, the hoop / circle / ring referred to in the name is one of Hoopa’s rings, and the lore behind the holiday is …

Tales and legends throughout Kalos’ history speak of Hoopa, a legendary pokémon that spread mischief and mayhem wherever it went. Stories about Hoopa vary greatly; in some tales Hoopa is merely mischievous, if it a bit greedy, and doesn’t harm those which it transports through its massive rings. In others, Hoopa is more malicious, actively transporting people and pokémon and who knows what else through its rings to Hell dimensions, where they’re never heard from again. Over time, these stories began to be split between Hoopa’s Bound form and its Unbound form, but regardless, Hoopa is still a legendary pokémon that, in all stories, is better avoided than crossed. Even if Hoopa doesn’t transport you right then, if it takes a liking to you, it could transport you later, the stories say. It’s better to safe than sorry.

With that said, many, many, many years ago (like, potentially thousands of years ago), there spawned a belief that while Hoopa was wild and unpredictable for most of the year, there was a brief spell near the end of the autumn that Hoopa would be more active. The reason, ancient Kaloseans believed, had to do with the changing seasons; in winter the land becomes sparse and barren, and people retreat indoors in order to keep warm and outlast the frigid months. Many people and pokémon are affected by the barren state of the world when winter came calling, but for Hoopa—a pokémon known for its selfish hoarding tendencies—those months are unbearable. Therefore, it was reasoned, Hoopa would make a last ditch effort to stockpile a collection in its dimensional world to last it through the winter months. For a period near the end of autumn and beginning of winter, Hoopa would snatch up any vulnerable people and pokémon and transport them through its rings, never to be seen again. Therefore, it was imperative that everyone take necessary precautions in order to ensure that they would not be one of Hoopa’s victims.

Now, in the past, there were numerous traditions practiced that have fallen by the wayside in modern times. In ancient times, for instance, it wasn’t unheard of for sacrifices to be made to Hoopa, with the thought being that if a town or village offered up someone for Hoopa to take, then Hoopa would leave the rest of them alone for another year. These sacrifices were usually tied up out in the woods nearby (or out in the plains nearby, whichever), and while they were never heard from again, it’s highly unlikely Hoopa actually took them. More like, pokémon who were offered up as sacrifices probably freed themselves and fled, and humans either did the same, or were, uh … attacked and possibly eaten by wild pokémon. So they were probably still sacrificed, in a sense, but it just … didn’t do anything to actually appease Hoopa. Oops.

Sacrifices in ancient Kalosean history aside, it’s also possible that other offerings were made. Food, candy, shiny trinkets … Hoopa is a selfish hoarder, after all. Living sacrifices weren’t necessarily necessary. Some Kaloseans made very intricate, detailed dolls (both human and pokémon) to offer up to Hoopa, thinking that Hoopa could be contented by cuddling with nice dolls and plushies instead.

There were decorations strewn up and about as well, both around individual homes and in settlements. Certain flowers could be woven together in wreathes shaped like protective crests or sigils to be hung on doors. Special incense was continuously burned around the clock in homes in order to ward off Hoopa, as well as thrown into communal bonfires. And those are just the decorations for the scenery; it also became tradition to dress up in special clothes every year, in order to protect oneself (and one’s children and pokémon) from Hoopa’s capture as well. Many years ago, special cloaks with protective crests sewn into them were worn. Over time, particularly since those special cloaks weren’t always available to everyone, this shifted to less “you need cloaks made of this certain (and expensive) material with this specific crest on them” and became more “you need to disguise yourself so that Hoopa does not recognize you / will be repelled by your appearance and not want to take you.” Therefore, frightening and ghastly costumes were woven into the tradition and became popularized, although as the years went on the requirement for the costumes to be scary waned (at least with some, because there are people who do still prefer frightening and spooky costumes).

Now, as mentioned, years and years and years ago, La Veille de la Cercle spanned several days. As time went on, however, the reported range of Hoopa’s activities dwindled down to a single night. There are some parts of history and lore that try to explain this, but what it really boils down to is the fact that as society modernized, responsibilities to professional positions grew, and as such practicing La Veille de la Cercle for multiple nights in a row became too time-consuming and inconvenient to maintain. Regardless, it is still practiced for one night per year in Kalos (October 31st), and it’s still quite a lot of fun. In the modern era, traditions include:

Dressing up in costume, which is an activity for adults and children

Trick-or-treating, but with a bit of a twist from how we know it. In Kalos, the lore shifted over time so that children (and adolescent chaperones) would go door to door in order to trick or treat. The objective, however, was not to gain candy for themselves, but rather to gain candy as offerings for Hoopa, so that the people and pokémon of the household would not be transported by Hoopa’s rings in the dead of night. Furthermore, it’s not that the trick-or-treaters say “trick or treat!” and then get one or the other. Rather, while costumed, the trick-or-treaters must try to trick the person who opens the door into giving them the candy. If successful, they get the candy and move on to the next house. If not, they are “banished” and must gathering their offerings elsewhere. (Note that in the modern day, most adults pretend the children successfully tricked them even if they didn’t, because come on, they’re kids. Also, obviously Hoopa doesn’t take the candy, so the kids always get to keep it and most know that this is how it’s going to go, but again, it’s part of the fun of the holiday.)

Some villages / towns / cities still have communal bonfires on the night of. Many also still put up decorations throughout the month of October in preparation of the night of.

Costume parties! Themed baked goods! Special deals on grooming and the like for certain species of pokémon (such as pumpkaboo)! Things like that.

So with all of that figured out, as for how Augustine and Alan would celebrate their very first one together …

Well, first things first: Augustine would have only had Alan for about a month at this point. Genesis takes place at the very end of September, about five days after Augustine’s 25th birthday, meaning that Alan and Augustine would have literally known each other for a month and a day by the time La Veille de la Cercle rolls around. Augustine would be pretty excited; he was never one who cared overmuch for holidays, but he always still appreciated La Veille de la Cercle a little more than others because of a few factors (namely the fact that pokémon such as pumpkaboo were more prone to wandering into cities so they could be pampered, and because of all the discount candy and La Veille de la Cercle pastries the day after). Additionally, he would feel that it’s important to teach Alan about various holidays and traditions, and as such, unofficially adopting Alan ends up making Augustine pay more attention to holiday traditions as well. It gets him more into the holiday spirit, because he wants to make sure Alan has that kind of childhood.

Alan, however … wouldn’t be excited. Unlike Festival de la Vie, where it was a thing he knew happened but he never really participated in, La Veille de la Cercle was always unpleasant for him back in Isolé Village. It is, after all, a holiday themed around spooky things, and mischief, and potential misfortune; creatures, or things, or people that are seen as ill omens or tokens of bad luck are often mistreated at that time of year. (So like, pumpkaboo may love La Veille de la Cercle, but absol often receive the short end of the stick from crueller Kaloseans during this time of year, because they’re seen as omens of disaster and misfortune.) For the first four years of his life (because remember, by the time the fifth one comes around, he’s out of that village), this was Alan’s experience. No one there liked him anyway, but the basis for a lot of the dislike was that he was seen as a nuisance and burden at best. In the eyes of some (like Maurice), he was even speculated to be a changeling that they were burdened or cursed with. These rumors and speculations always tended to increase around the time of La Veille de la Cercle, both when it came to the adults who were already prone to believing it, as well as when it came to the other village children who already liked to bully him throughout the rest of the year, but ramped it up around La Veille de la Cercle time because they were more in the mood for it. So for Alan, La Veille de la Cercle last year was the night when Maurice “accidentally” locked him out of the house for the night, and then Alan overheard him talking to his wife the next morning after claiming it as an accident, saying, “too bad; I was hoping Hoopa might take him back to wherever he came from.” For Alan, La Veille de la Cercle was the time of year when the village kids (some around his age, but some older) would always tie him up somewhere as a sacrifice like in the old stories, usually multiple times throughout October. (He’s pretty good at getting out of being tied up by now, especially if what’s being used to tie him is a jump rope or otherwise old rope.) It’s not a time of candy or dressing up in fun costumes; it’s just a time when everything gets worse, and he honestly wishes that maybe Hoopa would come get him because, hey, maybe living with Hoopa would be more fun than living here.

Obviously his situation changes once Augustine takes him in, but even so, he has 0% excitement as the days creep closer to La Veille de la Cercle, even as Augustine tries to get him excited about the pumpkaboo flying through Lumiose, or the themed pastries, or decorations, or anything else. And Augustine can’t really understand it. All kids love La Veille de la Cercle! It’s a fun holiday with traditions just for kids built in! What’s not to love? He tries asking Alan various questions about it (e.g. “Do you not like orange? Do you not like pumpkin flavored things?”), but Alan (as could be expected) is cagey and doesn’t want to say. What if he says, and the Professor thinks he’s just being a baby? What if he says, and the Professor agrees that, yeah, he probably was a changeling brought in by Hoopa in the first place? The Professor is so nice, so Alan doesn’t think he’d say things like that, but … well, Alan doesn’t want to create an opportunity.

Nonetheless, Augustine is determined to make this all very fun for Alan, especially when it comes to trick-or-treating. He spends the entire month of October planning out costumes (at one point he pitched the idea of a Kangaskhan costume for himself, and a baby Kangaskhan costume for Alan, but Fulbert shut that down before Augustine even finished his sentence like, “First, that’s so disgustingly saccharine I might throw up, and second, you’re not his dad, we’re still looking for his birth parents, be careful about screwing with his head like that” so, that ended). Eventually he settles on werewolf costumes for the both of them, with his werewolf costume being based on lycanroc, and Alan’s based on rockruff (and though Fulbert opens his mouth to object, Augustine cuts him off with, “This isn’t specifically a parent and child cosplay, so it won’t send any mixed messages, so you don’t have any right to complain”). Augustine’s on something of a budget, so there aren’t any masks or anything; it’s mostly just wolf ears, claws, tails, et cetera. You know, that sort of thing. Werewolf. (And still very cute, no doubt. You know how Augustine is about wanting to get Alan the cutest everything. Cutest damn little werewolf pup you ever did see.)

Anyway, Alan’s still not super enthused, though he is a bit surprised when Augustine presents him with a costume and says they’re going trick-or-treating. Alan hasn’t expressed knowledge of how trick-or-treating works (and really, he only has a vague idea—it’s not something he’s ever done before), so Augustine explains it before he takes him out …

… and yet, when they get to the first house, instead of trying to trick the person who opens the door, Alan just … holds out his pillowcase and sort of half-mumbles something about needing candy. It makes the situation a bit awkward, and Augustine laughs and explains that Alan is shy, and the person at the door takes pity and gives him candy anyway, and then they’re allowed to move on.

But before they go to the next house, Augustine pulls Alan aside and asks him, “Hey, are you all right? I’m sorry, it slipped my mind that you might not be comfortable talking to strangers just yet …”

And Alan shrugs, because that’s only part of the issue, but then he mumbles, “It’s mean.”

Augustine blinks. “Pardon?”

“Tricking people is mean.” Alan isn’t looking at Augustine; he’s looking at the ground instead. “Tricking people makes them feel bad. And you have to lie to trick people, and lying is bad, too. I don’t want to upset anyone, and I don’t want to do anything bad.”

“Oh …” Augustine smiles faintly. “Well, yes, what you said is usually true. Usually lying is bad, and sometimes tricking others can be mean. However, there are always exceptions to the rule. There are some tricks that are harmless, and sometimes little white lies are okay.”

Alan looks at him askance. “What do you mean?”

“Well …” Augustine taps his finger against his chin. “Sometimes my mother likes to experiment with new recipes, and sometimes they don’t always turn out the greatest. However, I usually tell her that they taste all right, but could use mild improvement, to spare her feelings. Or sometimes I tell Fulbert that he is as young and spritely as ever, even though you and I both know he is a grumpy old man, to make him feel better about himself. It’s a lie, but it’s a lie to spare his feelings, so it’s all right.”

“Oh.” Alan blinks. “So … you can lie to help people?”

“Sometimes, depending on the situation,” Augustine says. “And in this case, tricking people as we go from house to house is all right, because they’re expecting it. They want to be tricked. It’s a … it’s a game we’re playing with them.”

“Really?”

“Really.” Augustine smiles, and puts his hands on Alan’s shoulders. “So, do you want to keep going? You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. You could trick them by … jumping out from behind me, perhaps?”

Alan considers this for a moment, before he suggests, “If they want to be tricked, and they’re expecting to be tricked, won’t it be a bigger trick to just ask them for the candy?”

Augustine stares at him a moment, caught off guard, but then starts laughing. “I suppose,” he says, “that being faced with a polite young werewolf would be a bit unexpected. All right, Alan; let’s see if this works.”

[entergamingxp]

DualShockers’ Favorite Games of 2019 — Chris’ Top 10

December 28, 2019 10:00 AM EST

This Top 10 list of 2019 games from curmudgeon contributor Chris Compendio is full of oddities, with both indie titles and blockbuster hits.

As 2019 comes to a close, DualShockers and our staff are reflecting on this year’s batch of games and what were their personal highlights within the last year. Unlike the official Game of the Year 2019 awards for DualShockers, there are little-to-no-rules on our individual Top 10 posts. For instance, any game — not just 2019 releases — can be considered.

There is a particular attitude that comes with end-of-the-year discourse. Much like how there is an “Oscar movie,” we have “GOTY games,” triple-A titles so hotly anticipated that many in the gaming community are sure that it will already be their favorite. Look no further than any social media feed, where people are already arguing about what will be Game of the Year 2020. But when I look at my favorite games of 2019, I am surprised by how many of them are sleeper hits, quality titles that snuck up on me.

I still believe that there is value to having group and outlet-wide Game of the Year lists, and it is fascinating to see where everyone ends up. Still, I’d much prefer to sift through personal end-of-the-year lists, as they are a better indicator of the personal gaming journeys that individuals went through during the year. There you’ll find obscure little nuggets, or perhaps contrarian and eye-opening angles to games that you may have missed out on or didn’t give a chance.

With my personal top 10 list for 2019, I find that the uniting factor between most of these games is that they are weird. They are incongruous, non-traditional, unusual, and so on. And most of them are games I hadn’t even heard of a year ago, making the value they provided all the more surprising.

First off, some Honorable Mentions that didn’t quite make the cut, including Untitled Goose Game, Gears 5, Tetris 99, Baba Is You, The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening, CROSSNIQ+, Pokemon Sword & Pokemon Shield, Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order, and Mini Motorways, all of which could have formed their own top 10 list. Then there’s the stuff that I didn’t finish or get to, but will absolutely do so starting in January, including Luigi’s Mansion 3, Kind Words, Arcade Spirits, Knife Sisters, Wolfenstein: Youngblood, Outer Wilds, The Walking Dead: The Final Season, Life is Strange 2, Disco Elysium, and Neo Cab.

Man, I wish we had room for more than ten entries.

10. Ring Fit Adventure

I have fond memories of playing Wii Fit back in the day; while it obviously wasn’t a proper substitute for more intense workouts, it was a nice way for Nintendo to encourage health and regular exercise into one’s daily routine. That’s why I was so surprised by how freaking hard Ring Fit Adventure went. For the first time playing an “exergame,” I was left sore and sweaty, so much so that I had to lower the intensity at times.

What Ring Fit Adventure succeeds in doing is actually turning exercise into a video game. It took Nintendo maybe like, over a decade to get there, but it’s great to see nonetheless. All Ring Fit Adventure comes down to is a turn-based RPG where the moves and attacks and defense are achieved through exercise. The Ring-Con is durable and versatile, and as the game encourages, I find myself turning it on by itself and doing some mindless exercise while doing other activities or watching television. It is obviously far from the most impressive video game of the year, but Ring Fit Adventure is the one that I came back to the most often in 2019.

And fun fact: the model in that lifestyle photo that serves as this list’s featured images is my friend from college. You’re damn right that I had to use it for this.

Check out DualShockers‘ review for Ring Fit Adventure.

9. Kingdom Hearts III

The Kingdom Hearts series is like a specter that will never stop following me. I don’t even have to go over how much these games mean to me and how wild the pre-release period has been since Kingdom Hearts III was announced what must have been a century ago at this point. And I’m not even going to bother to talk about how stuffed and contrived the lore is—at this point, Kingdom Hearts practically speaks for itself. Even if you aren’t into the franchise, hearing all of the fervor around it should at least give you a feeling of what it’s about.

And once Kingdom Hearts III finally released a lot of people, ranging from newcomers to devoted fans, were quick to scrutinize and tear it apart, and a lot of the criticisms were fairly justified. Perhaps I was in my own world, but none of that stopped me from enjoying the hell out of III. It may have just been the novelty of playing a brand-new, high-definition Kingdom Hearts game, or all of the obvious fan service and emotional scenes of closure, but whatever it was, the feeling of playing Kingdom Hearts III could not be recreated by anything else I played in 2019.

Check out DualShockers‘ review for Kingdom Hearts III.

8. What The Golf?

Most of the games on this list were surprises to me, but What The Golf? was a strange game that contained a number of different surprises within it. The facade of this being any sort of ordinary golf video game quickly wears off, as you find yourself hitting more than just golf balls into the hole: maybe it’s a golf club, the golfer themselves, or even another damn hole that you have to get into the hole. And that’s just the beginning—you’ll be going through city streets, parodies of other video games, and space, with some gravity-defying shots.

What The Golf? is an excellent example of how to create comedy that is unique to the medium of video games. It isn’t writing or cutscenes, but rather the actions that the player does themselves that creates hilarity. Each level plays with your expectations in a different way, and there is enough variety to prevent the game from just turning into the same punchline replayed multiple times. Other than that, the game has excellent sound design, and there’s a neat feature that lets you showcase a short, curated level selection to friends. What The Golf? is perfect for short bursts of play, and at some point in the near future, I’ll probably find myself going through each hole yet again.

Check out DualShockers‘ PAX East preview for What The Golf?

7. Ape Out

With such a bold art style and a distinct percussion-based soundtrack, Ape Out is impossible to ignore. The core gameplay is quite easy to wrap your head around, but I appreciate all of the strategic considerations that go into playing the game. As a massive ape trying to make your great escape, your main tools are a basic attack and a grab; enemies die easily, but so do you, with only three hits. The decision I always faced was between brute-forcing myself through gunmen or taking a slow and deliberate pace using an enemy as a human shield. Better yet, breeze through the randomly-generated maze and avoid conflict altogether.

The trial-and-error nature of Ape Out might naturally draw comparisons to Hotline Miami or Celeste, and as magnificent as those games are, putting this game only in those terms would do it a disservice. There was something so intriguing about the total lack of context given regarding this ape, but as you continue your rampage and leave a trail of death and destruction behind, aided by some brash and flashy visuals, what has led to these events is irrelevant—the scene and tone and the feelings that they invoke are already enough.

Check out DualShockers‘ review for Ape Out.

6. Wilmot’s Warehouse

This is a last-minute entry in my 2019 list, but Wilmot’s Warehouse instantly won me over by getting all of the gears in my head to click into place. It is a game all about organization, but the hook of this game is that players can organize everything in any way they want to. As such, the game essentially becomes a Rorschach test for whoever tries to play it—what does the way you organize your warehouse tell about how you live your life? Perhaps by color, by category, or some other wild methodology of your own invention?

Wilmot’s Warehouse is almost like a single-player Overcooked, but with a lot more versatility and room to work with. It has a charming minimalist art style, with some lovely motivational posters to come with it. It is challenging, less so because of everything the game throws at you and more so because your own methods and styles will begin to crack and fall apart. It also makes you wonder about the infrastructures we have in real-life, and why giant corporations at Amazon can’t seem to come up with proper organizational strategies that don’t exploit and abuse their warehouse workers. I guess it’s just a fantasy at this point!

5. Death Stranding

Honestly, I’m surprised that I bought Death Stranding in the first place. I was anything but a Hideo Kojima stan, and much of the previews and the pre-release discussions over the game were quick to turn me off for a variety of reasons. Once Kojima and company began to actually show gameplay, however, something resonated with me. Yes, you can derogatorily call this game a “walking simulator,” but I am all about games where traversal itself is a puzzle. There’s that whole cliched pitch of “You see that mountain? You can go there!” but what if that phrase was just the premise of an entire video game?

There’s more to it, of course, but the story is absolute crap with a total lack of subtlety, nuance, and sensitivity. Even as I rolled my eyes at pretty much every single cutscene in the game, I spent endless nights on Death Stranding, optimizing the amount of weight I was carrying and carefully planning out routes, not to mention becoming obsessive over building projects. And once the chiral network aspect of the game comes into play, it becomes more of a unique massively-multiplayer co-operative game of sorts, with other players’ buildings and structures coming as assistance in the most harrowing of scenarios. Awful story but addicting gameplay was enough to put Death Stranding smack dab in the middle of my favorite games from 2019.

Check out DualShockers’ review for Death Stranding.

4. Apex Legends

If we’re going to talk about surprises, then I am required by law to write about Apex Legends, because just the existence of that game alone was a surprise. Announced right before its release, Apex Legends appears to be the end-all-be-all battle royale only by looking at its feature set, but it absolutely earns the title once you pick up the game and play it—I don’t think anyone can possibly deny that games from Respawn Entertainment feel good. It’s fast, responsive, but most importantly, it’s just fun.

I’m not an expert on multiplayer balance, but I’ve personally found every character in Apex Legends to be viable. The game’s design is full of so many smart decisions, from the concept of the Jumpmaster, to how inventory is handled, the diverse hero abilities, the respawning, and especially, especially the Ping system. This game has so many quality-of-life features that I never even knew I needed, and they make any session, whether it’s with a close group of friends or with complete strangers without microphones, feel like a breeze. After playing Apex, why even bother with any other battle royale shooter in 2019?

Check out DualShockers‘ review for Apex Legends.

3. Control

Man, this game is cool. I can’t think of any other video game in 2019 where I would actually read through all of the pick-ups and collectibles and logs, but Control had me going through every piece of lore the game threw at me like a drug. This game, more than almost any other game, inspired curiosity in me. It is esoteric without being pretentious, it is bizarre without being off-putting, and there is rarely any sort of disconnect between the narrative and the actual gameplay.

It may take a bit of time to get into the combat flow of Control, but the trials and tribulations leading up to that are worth it. Eventually, you’ll have a number of psychic powers and weapon forms to utilize as tools of destruction, and as you get used to the enemies and their behavior, each encounter will feel like a fast-paced game of chess. The latest from Remedy Entertainment was enough evidence that I needed to get into their previous stuff, so I spent some time with Alan Wake and Quantum Break as well. No one quite does such an excellent blend of surrealism, world-building, and combat like that studio.

Check out DualShockers’ review for Control.

2. Katana Zero

I’ve been becoming more and more tolerant of difficult fast-paced trial-and-error games (see: Hotline Miami, Super Meat Boy), but Katana Zero may perhaps be the first one of these games that I barreled through with few breaks in between. The premise of this side-scrolling action game with its drug-induced time-manipulation and the fast and twitchy gameplay demanded my attention and time, and boy did I give this game just that. There were too many deaths to count on the way to the end, but all was worth it.

Katana Zero is infused with a neon art style and rousing electronic music, which further enhanced the compelling gameplay. It all comes down to planning, looking at the scenario at hand and taking into account reaction times and all of the environmental pieces around you to brutally dispatch your enemies while also avoiding their own attacks. And your katana-wielding character is thinking about all of this too, as your failed attempts are actually (at least, the way I interpreted it) the scenarios in his head that just didn’t work out. It is perhaps the smartest game I’ve played in 2019 in merging story and gameplay together, and out of all of the titles on this list, this is the one that I want a narrative sequel to the most.

Check out DualShockers‘ review for Katana Zero.

1. Sayonara Wild Hearts

After writing a review of over 1,500 words for Sayonara Wild Hearts, I’m not even sure what else I can say about it. But in the context of my personal life, I should say that it came at exactly the right time in my life. Underneath all of the colors and the fanciful style is a story about overcoming depression and getting outside of your comfort zone to lead a truly happy life. All of the other games on the list I probably could have played at any point in my life and enjoyed it all the same, but Sayonara Wild Hearts feels like the definitive 2019 game for how my year went.

Even months after the game came out, I still came back to Sayonara, one reason being to finally achieve some of those Gold Ranks, but mostly just to try to live the euphoria of the emotional experiences that this game provided me; somehow, the entire “Begin Again” sequence is still enough to get me near tears, producing the same powerful reaction each time ever since I first played a demo of this at PAX East. I still listen to the soundtrack on a regular basis, letting myself get lost in the soundscapes—eventually, I would actually seek out the lyrics to these songs, and I would find the written words to be just as touching.

I was used to my safety and peace I mistook all this tedium with being at ease But then you came around, said “it’s time to let go” And you took me to a place I don’t know

Check out DualShockers‘ review for Sayonara Wild Hearts, from yours truly.

Check out the rest of the DualShockers staff Top 10 lists and our official Game of the Year Awards:

December 23: DualShockers Game of the Year Awards 2019 December 25: Lou Contaldi, Editor-in-Chief // Logan Moore, Managing Editor December 26: Tomas Franzese, News Editor // Ryan Meitzler, Features Editor  December 27: Mike Long, Community Manager // Scott White, Staff Writer December 28: Chris Compendio, Contributor // Mario Rivera, Video Manager // Kris Cornelisse, Staff Writer December 29: Scott Meaney, Community Director // Allisa James, Senior Staff Writer // Ben Bayliss, Senior Staff Writer December 30: Cameron Hawkins, Staff Writer // David Gill, Senior Staff Writer // Portia Lightfoot, Contributor December 31: Iyane Agossah, Senior Staff Writer // Michael Ruiz, Senior Staff Writer // Rachael Fiddis, Contributor January 1: Ricky Frech, Senior Staff Writer // Tanner Pierce, Staff Writer

December 28, 2019 10:00 AM EST

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