#help this album is the only thing I've been listening to all week

[trashmammal-7]

One of my favorite things about listening to the Spies Are Forever album is the whiplash between "haha c'mon guys the nazis aren't that bad, look at how silly we are 🥺" and "guy believed by everyone to be dead disguised while torturing ex-boyfriend who only returned to the job because he thought it would be what his dead boyfriend would want, and also Russian killing machine singing about being betrayed by the previously mentioned nazis"

[plasticfangtastic]

Dairy Girl-- Part 3

A Homelander x F!Reader fic

A/N: 1more part to go, I've be going on a 4 day trip on wed so I should post the final part next wk, thanks everybody for reading here is part 2 (there's a link for part 1 there)

Synopsis: In order to provide a constant supply of fresh breastmilk for Vought’s number one hero, Vought has had to get quite nifty in order to prevent this secret desire out the press and the public– you have unfortunately discovered the truth.

tags: child death mention, depressive, dark, kidnapping, stocklhom syndrome, HL tw.

word count: 4.4K

Part 3-- Fields

Months.

You’ve been here for months.

You aren’t quite certain of the timeframe but you kept track of the full moon, how often things faded and re-emerged, you’re sure half a year of your life has vanished slower than ever before, for weeks you find yourself holding on, now you aren’t sure why? This body of yours grows heavier around his arms as you sat there in that massive corner booth listening, as he squeezed your jacket as if to remind you he had a hold on you… or to make sure you were okay, you hoped.

Several months have passed and you can’t help but wonder how you ended up in this Chinese restaurant having dinner with your captor.

Homelander’s visitation continued to be more sporadic, your time seems of less importance these days, you find yourself painfully alone, no matter how pretty the tapestry, how interesting the films have become, how delicious the food is or how the forced expansion of your music taste as they feed you an eclectic collection from japanese city pop to medieval folk rock albums changed the fact that you were alone. It had been endless weeks since you last saw a human being beside Homelander.

You stared at that steel door, its presence tempting you, mocking you, insulting you.

You pressed aimlessly at the panel hoping it would break or force somebody to emerge to tell you off– just the sound of a live human would be enough to fill this emptiness inside you even if it was for a short burst. The library elevator had been locked and no amount of pulling would get it to break, your voice, your sole company, birds would come and sing ‘hello’ but as pretty as they were they flew away at the sight of you.

Everything was perpetually quiet.

At least when the sun still lingered.

At night you couldn’t even sleep this awfulness off, your brain trapped you in a different nightmare.

The only time when this house wasn’t submerged in silence was in your slumber.

Ghost lived here you’ve come to accept.

“Every night I have the same nightmares” you spoke to a squirrel one morning

Cries of a baby you can never find, as you wake up, dazed and exhausted you hear the faintest cry and all your mind has tried to do these past few weeks and months have been to move on but ghostly cries forever remind you of the emptiness left in your arms, ghost hoping to crush everything within you, but when the sun is out you tell yourself that your baby boy is gone, you accept it. 

Every night before bed you recite a fresh mantra ‘you’re okay now, that in the future perhaps you could finally become a mother, that the embers still burn inside you, your love is there but is not wrong to move on’ but your nightmares won’t let you move on from a pain you couldn’t forget.

You pray to whatever god you believed, or used to believe for dreamless slumber, each night the thought of sleep frightens you, making you wish for death for it was kinder.

The only peaceful slumber comes with a blond catch.

In your arms he’s both small and larger than life, light and heavy, his lips pursed on your sensitive skin, his quiet moans and mewls send shivers down your spine yet bring you an animalistic primal comfort that tap in a primitive part of your motherly brain, his scent fades and returns the next time reeking of oatmeal and chamomile, as your nose sinks on his hair and he wraps his naked hand around your waist itching to crawl higher, to hold your breast much like a real baby would you forget he is grown, picking his fingers and letting them hang on your own, in this times were you drift away from boredom– you sleep peacefully. Wondering if there was safety in this? The world’s most powerful man held against your bosom, nothing could hurt you here– not even the nightmares. Afraid of him you supposed.

Homelander looks up with glassed eyes, licking his lips as he pops your nipple out his mouth, blissed out, so happy it colors you with envy– that’s the only smile you know it's 100% genuine, you seen all his earlier movies it certainly been refined but his smile is disturbingly faux… convincingly sold, nevertheless as he nuzzles you and giggles softly into your chest that you learn what his truly looked like.

When was the last time you smiled like that? You wondered.

You hand caressed his face cleaning a loose drop off his chin.

“You want me to stay tonite?”

It’s been almost 2 weeks since he stayed more than a couple hours, you don’t know what to say, he still fills you with fear but as the afternoon glow colors the tapestry and the night creeps closer and closer you want that safety… just one night without nightmares.

“Please stay…”

Homelander smiles and squeezes your sides, forcing you into a hug, he begins talking and is not a conversation you can follow or wished to but is music nowadays– the sound of another person, it's the sweetest music you’d ever listened to, searing banalities into your eardrums, but its sweet… something to make you forget that by morning he’d be gone and you be left alone with nothing but ghosts and thoughts.

“Can we switch positions?” Your arm has grown numb under him.

He grumbles pouting like a child, but he’s happy to oblige, the TV plays quietly in the background you’re unsure how much longer the tape has, but he stares at you as he sits straight waiting for further instruction, while you fix the pillows.

“I just want to be the little spoon…”

Homelander eyes light up–literally. It doesn’t last long and his lips curl dropping on the bed with eager eyes, your grimace is internal but you crawl into padded arms.

“Promise me you won’t leave in the middle of the night…” you say so quietly, he stares at those pretty eyes of yours and those thick dark circles under your eyes allowing himself to caress your cheek– until morning…”

“Ryan is off on a camping trip with one of his buddies… I can stay the whole weekend.”

“Weekend?”

“It’s friday, Y/N.” He says as if that was obvious.

Your eyes open so wide it hurts your face, but you nod furiously, a part of you dies, whatever self-respect you had is fading as the only thought consuming you is that for at least 2 days you’ll have company.

“I’m surprised you let him go”

“I have a few men watching him from a distance, and I can fly and check up on him at any point” he says through gritted teeth.

“It’s nice that you trust him. Must make him feel like a big kid… My parents never let me do such things…”

“Why not?” He asks, watching you with genuine surprise as your body loses resistance, sinking into him.

“They worried too much… always sheltering me… watching over me…” You missed them, you missed a world of people, now those obnoxious actions of the past warm your heart but you don’t let it be seen– He’s lucky to have you.”

You stayed in his arms until the credits finished rolling.

“Kill the feed!” Homelander shouts startlingly you stiff, he waits in silence grinding his teeth, jumping out of the bed almsot throwing you off the mattress, once his cape unfastened he turns back to you– what? you think i'm gonna lay down all night in this?”

You just watched him as he moved around your room entering your closet as you shook off the scare, and procuring an oversized t-shirt grumbling to himself about ordering some loungewear, you watched him undress with your heart creeping up your throat, squeezing the duvet as your worst nightmares tease an entrance to reality, with each thud of his suit and clanking of gold your heart rate doubled in speed, he who had very much avoided touching most of you, could very much do so and you’d be powerless to stop him, he turns around throwing you a look of disbelief making you wonder if ‘mind-reading’ was a unpublicized skill of his.

Without his suit… he seemed more human than he had any right to be, his bright orange undies peeking under the old t-shirt with a pulled neck allowing you to see a handful of chest hairs creeping up, Homelander left you in the room heading out, his eyes examining that all cameras were in fact turn off and so were the microphones, stopping by a tacky painting of kittens in the hallway, tapping on the thick frame carefully.

“I was thinking I should have this place redecorated” He said loudly, his hand stroking the frame– bring it into the 21st century… What do you like– farmhouse chic… art deco? Altho your house was a mix-match of things.”

You jumped off the bed and followed him keeping distance as you tried to suppress your trembling hands.

“You’ve been to my house?”

“I was curious about you… you’ve been here 5 months and the doctors are surprised you haven’t… lost your mind.” He turns to you– altho you’ve been playing the music twice as loud as before”

“Is lonely in here…” You look away trying to figure out the best words you ought to say– you haven’t visited me in weeks”

“I told you. I’m busy– I have a movie… we are doing some re-shoots… the studio feels like they need a new direction and we needed a new post-credit scene so it ties up with The Deep’s next film and–” he bites his tongue– I should call… I’ll have a phone installed… but what can I do to make your stay here less lonesome.``

“Keep me company… at least downstairs I could see the other girls…” You look down– are they okay?”

“That whole thing has been shut down. No need for it to continue if I have you.” 

He didn’t expect to see that beam of light in your eyes, but then those lips of yours straightened for something sinister came into your mind.

“What happened to them?” Faces that were still fresh in your mind spoil– are they okay?”

“Who knows…” he shrugs with genuine indifference– oh don’t make that look! I didn’t make the order, I simply told them to close shop… I can find out if you want.”

Staring into his eyes for what could’ve been an eternity but you never answered, which seemed to please him, he stretched his hand asking for yours and in that darkened hallway he seemed to be its only shadow, you obeyed afraid of displeasing him punished with abandonment for another endless loop, his fingers are always so warm and soft around yours. 

“You don’t sleep very much do you? I used to sleep a lot when they left me alone… which wasn’t often” He squeezes your hand pulling you closer– you can talk to me, Y/N. I want to know…”

“You’ve been to my home… you should know why I don’t sleep much…” 

“I can’t… imagine what you’ve been thru… If I lost Ryan–”

“I accepted it. I think it just wasn’t my time or his time…” You cut him off– I don’t know ‘bout God’s plan or nuthin but I just accepted that maybe one day it be for me but not yet.”

Homelander gave you a half moon, glad to see how strong you’ve been, glad to know you could withstand his abuse… you continued to be a challenge.

That night you both laid in bed, cradling him in your arms watching him mumble loudly in his sleep, his eyes shifting wildly, you watch him fight in his nightmare as you thought of your own… of those women and the bottles, how your signatured had doomed them, you bit your lips and watched him until exhaustion ate you up.

Waking up with a kiss from the sun without ever experiencing a single nightmare, not even their faces haunt your sleep.

It made you ill to be so relieved.

He kept you company, watching movies and eating popcorn, lounging around forcing you to read books to him, you thought that this would all you two would do-- just lounge around and pretend you weren’t growing bored.

“Wanna go out for dinner?” 

Your ears perked up.

“I’ll go and tell them to get us some clothes, and we can go have dinner.”

“You mean outside?”

“Of course silly… you’ve been good, I think you deserve it.” He jumps off the couch, heading towards the metal door dragging his feet– you like chinese. I saw you had lots of take-out menus.”

“I would love to” You ran after him, hugging him– can we get Ice-cream too… afterwards?”

“I could always go for a milkshake.” He kissed your cheek– be a good girl and go get ready would ya?”

He faded into the other side, hearing those metal doors slide open filled you with joy, you had your chance, you were good, you did all that Homelander wanted of you, you listened to his endless ramblings and you gave him what he stole you for without complaint, and now he rewarded you, the gods had finally heard you.

This was your chance.

You would run to the cops, you would hide in the sewers, you would run until your feet were stumps if you had to but you would get out of here, away from him, away from his dollhouse.

You were so focused you didn't even register his sudden kiss until you started to undress in the bathroom, you touched your cheek wondering about why he'd done so.

You did as you were told and as your hair dried he came back bearing clothes from this century entering the bedroom as you stood covered with nothing but a towel, he came in an orange t-shirt and a navy jacket his sight on your face as if he had manners. It took you a few seconds to realize these were your clothes, washed and ironed, he threw them in the bed lingering for a few seconds before returning you some privacy.

“You look good” You smile feeling weird in your own clothes, nothing but a band t-shirt and your best jeans, he handed you a jacket that was definitely not yours but a matching one to his own– they told me there’s this bar you liked quite a bit”

“The Loose End?” you smiled, they knew you there, the bartender knew you by name, the regular waitress Liz knew you too, if he took you there you could find a way out– they’re cheap and the nachos are great… and they have live music every weekend.”

“It’s a date then.” 

For the first time you crossed those steel doors, those wall held a boring room, a set of desk littered here and there alongside filing cabinets, a young man in a lab coat handed Homelander something while you looked around everywhere this whole setup was nothing but a repurposed kitchen, a storage close, and the entry hall, two large windows let the light in allowing you to see the driveway, and more evergreen forest, there were no houses just road and bushes indeed this location was as desolated as initially suspected. Leaving through the front door you spotted a pair of bikes parked on the side, while the garage was closed. A random man dragged a trolley filled with peonies, your feet were trembling as you stepped on that welcome mat, the air was so chilly against your skin, so refreshing on cracking lips.

Grass… trees… clouds… nowhere to run, you looked at the bikes but never did you look for their keys five seconds ago.

“Are we getting an Uber?” You looked at him.

He took you by the waist, not giving you an answer before jumping straight into the heavens, there was a town to the east, a highway near it, before your words could leave your body, he pressed your face against his shoulder, it's a whistling sound singing in your ear as an insanely heavy weighted blanket slammed against you, this song kept playing cut abruptly by honking, your feet hit the ground and you could’ve sworn you’ve died he lets go of your head messin with your hair as you parted from this tight embrace, looking bemused.

“Am I alive?”

“There’s not a safer vehicle in the world than me.” He chuckles– you’re fine.”

Blinking hard you looked around and immediately recognized the street peeking from the end of the alleyway, your old apartment was 20 minutes from this place, you started moving without him.

Your neck snapped back as he took your arm, forcing you still.

“The restaurant is that way.”

He held your arm so tight your fingers tingle from numbness, interlocking elbows as he forced you into the street, to passerbys you were just another nameless couple, nobody gave you guys a second look, the afternoon light was beginning to fade behind tall buildings, you look at strangers pleading for them to notice something was off only to meet discomfort and indifference, people minded their business and in the busy street you two failed to stand out, you knew every street and in your silence you hoped to see familiar faces but nothing but strangers surrounded you both.

Both stopping at the entrance of a chinese restaurant, you’re sure you’d ordered from here before, the place is loud and there’s a TV set on the sports channel, it smells of fried rice and oil and you can hear the cook shouting in cantonese, he never lets you speak and the waitress is too busy talking to her coworker to care just telling you to sit anywhere you like.

He sits you in a booth on the corner away from the window almost hidden but able to see a good chunk of the people, the tv plays in the back but you can’t see it, your face is obscured by a beam, the more you look at the decour it strikes you as cheap and busy, lights dim and there wasn’t many people inside no doubt he picked this place for a reason.

“I feel like egg rolls and sweet and sour pork… you want noodles or rice?”

“Rice… with chicken… and…” You glance at the menu– scallion pancakes…”

Time moves like a dream, you count the exits, the number of waitresses, you hear the phone used for take-out orders but from your spot you can’t see the phone, you see the paper sign saying ‘toilet’ which could lead to an unseen exit, maybe into the kitchen, but as the entree arrived you knew you couldn’t run to your old home, you could run to the nearest metro station take the train anywhere, the direction made no difference you just had to find a cop… anything to save you.

As you force yourself to chew it dawns on you how Homelander has not spoken, turning to see him and he has a dry smile in his lips, his sight focused on the table on the furthest end of the room, the party grew louder you assumed they caught his attention annoyed by their presence or something in that vein.

Dishware clank and people spoke and baseball played but his attention was on them alone, you swore you could’ve run and he wouldn’t notice.

“Are you okay?” You spoke with the meekest tone you could muster– is there something wrong with the food?”

He scoots in his seat moving closer to the edge of table, this boot could’ve sat a party of five with ease so he left you with a lot of space and for a moment you felt as if he was about to just walk out but instead he looked at the empty spot then jerked his head towards the direction of the party.

“Is there a friend of yours there…?” You try to remain bubbly, finding his demeanor uneasy.

Following him you take his former spot but he doesn’t leave the boot, and then you see it.

The big thing he was staring at.

She was so thin that it looked bigger than it should, she was a tiny frail thing and the bump protruded out of her stomach violently. She sat back down, her grin so big and her laugh so chirpy as she rejoined the group.

The group too engrossed in each other to notice… to notice the crying woman on the other side of the dimly lit restaurant.

He seemed the same, his hair was the same, his beard was the same, his shirt was the one you bought him last christmas and he looked… happy… happy as he kissed this woman you’ve never seen, holding her hand, caressing her stomach, she didn’t need a name for you to despise what she meant, there it was your ex-husband who shouted at you about not being ready to be a father, your ex who showed up late to the funeral and didn’t stick around to comfort you, who never made it to the hospital visits more than twice, here he was happy.

Looking at a young thing carrying the baby he did want.

Just like he never looked at you.

“Am so happy you’re having a little girl!” The older woman who sat across from him said– after everything that happened I'm just elated for you Eric.”

You heard your mother’s voice with so much clarity.

“After Y/N I never thought I would find somebody but I think she would’ve been happy for us. I’m just glad you guys are doing okay after everything…”

“It’s hard but you are still family and we can be happy for you and your sweet little girl”

You watched him comfort your mother, the way he talked about you as if he meant it.

When did he ever mean it? Did he find remorse in his heart after you were gone or was it to brush away the accusations.

‘Who would you run to?’ that voice in your head asked, your family was right there, your dad, your mom, a mutual friend of you both, your ex– they were all there but they didn’t see you, the more you focused on their words, the way they mentioned your name as if it made them feel icky.

“I was thinking of naming her after Y/N, I know she meant a lot to Eric and had we not met at that support group–

You ran off the booth, rushing to the bathroom, you’re sure somebody looked at you as the plates rattled, Homelander gave you a glance but didn’t follow you.

Slamming the door behind you, in that ugly cramped bathroom you screamed into your knees, every fiber of your body recoiled, tightening around your chest, you stayed there until your own sobs hurt your throat and your eyes itched from salt.

Staring at your swollen eyes and red nose you washed away what you could, nausea still lingered robbing you off your appetite.

The door opened and there was no red, white and blue suited supe, just a hall with faded pictures and a storage closet, walking not knowing what to find, not wanting to be seen.

He was still in the booth, happily waiting on you with a bag of leftovers propped on the table.

“Let’s go home…” You whispered, your throat hoarse.

“Home? Where is that?” he grins

“Home… take me home… please…”

He stares at the party who are now sharing their final drinks and readying to leave.

You sit on the edge pushing him into the booth, forcing him to pay attention to you and not those behind, maybe it was because he was Homelander that you kissed him, that you had the attention of a more enviable man than Eric ever was that you kissed him in front of him  and your family, maybe it was because it felt good, his thin lips soft and delicate against yours, it was  quick thing, his shock was palpable in the nervousness of his kiss was cute, but it felt good… for once something felt good again.

“Let’s go Homelander… I don’t wanna be here anymore…”

His lips pressed against your cheek before lifting himself, making sure to cover your sight as you both left the building turning away from the window as the party began to gather their things, he stopped for a second after walking for a few minutes.

“I just need to text Ashley something before I forget… work stuff” You didn’t care.

He typed slowly with his index instead of his thumbs which made you cringe a little.

“All good. You sure you don’t wanna go watch a gig, we don’t have to go back home.” He said softly.

“My tits hurt.” His eyes light up at the lie– unless you wanna have a sippy in the toilets before the show stars to help me out here”

“... I… I do…” 

If he blushed any harder he’d be a stop light, you smiled unable to stop chuckling at his stupid face.

“Didn’t peg you for the kind of guy to get freaky in the bathroom of a dingy bar… guess America’s son does have a real kinky side to him.”

“You have no idea darling… do you have a kinky side perhaps?”

“Fuck me.” Her stomach popped into your head, his hand caressing her bulge played on loop, his disgusting smile, all of him played all around you, memories of his touch burnt your skin, everybody had his disgusting mug on their faces– and find out.”

He took your hand and started walking faster, throwing away the bag of takeout into the lap of the first homeless person he’d seen.

The woman looked at Eric as he said goodbye to your parents, her phone buzzed, turning around to hide her screen, a text message from with a receipt for 25,000 dollars deposited on her account, as well as a doctor’s appointment booking.

She signed with relief.

“Understood.” she texted back.

[jmdbjk]

Make assumptions and get the wrong idea. Please. That's what he said.

My brain listening to Who:

(on the beat of course)

Sorry for the brain porn but that's how my brain feels when I hear Jimin's vocals. The runs, the ad libs, the highs, lows, and in-betweens, the breathing, especially the breathing. Especially in the 4K version of the Tonight Show performance posted on BangtanTV.

For many years now I've been wanting to hear Jimin let 'er rip on a big song and FINALLY! FINALLY!

FINALLY!

I started to jot down my interpretations of Who but you know what? no one needs yet another analyzation of the song, the lyrics, the MV, the belt sharing, the ... but one thing I need to point out... Ryan's Vintage Clothes is definitely a nod to Ryan Gosling don't you think? (just kidding sorta)

A ton of people have given their dissertations on what they think it all means. All I know is Jimin has that MAGIC and he is FLEXING big time.

This is my favorite shot from the most recent promo image drop on Weverse. I have always dissented when Jimin would say his left side is his best side. No sir. It's your right side.

The entire Muse album is a complete mind-bender for me. He came up with the ideas and themes and what he couldn't do on his own, he explained to all the people helping him in order to create his vision...

PDogg said this in an interview: "I also believe the experience of collaborating with various producers and songwriters in LA and NY gave Jimin the opportunity to further explore his limitless potential."

Minseong Kim (Performance Director): "When we were working together, I saw Jimin putting a lot of thought into delivering the song's choreography as a visual art form. He uses his detailed expressions to convey various artistic elements in the performance beyond simply presenting stylish, energetic choreography. He is always devoted to emphasizing the artistic elements of the performance by forming a visceral connection to it. I believe that his commitment and passion has shaped Jimin's unique style and allows him to deliver one of the most exciting performances in pop music."

and:

"We had countless discussions about how to visually articulate the story and message of the song through the performance on a larger scale, in a manner that's true to the song's title Who. When the choreography was completed Jimin was utterly pleased with the performance having all the elements he had wished to incorporate."

You can read the entire VMAGAZINE article here.

Regarding the other songs on the album, in MiniMoniMusic Exchange, Jimin mentioned that Rebirth was his favorite track. I do love it too, Jimin. The heartbeat, the poignancy. Perfection.

And I have to compare Be Mine to Seven. In Jungkook's Seven, the explicit version was so very literal and so in your face it was funny, even the MV added to the unserious vibe of it all.

But in Jimin's, Be Mine, he has probably the most erotic lyric I've ever heard coming out of the mouth of a Tannie: "... a hot island, a party with just the two of us; I know what you want and baby I want the same; love ‘til the morning; we just keep fallin’... baby come, baby come; show me what, show me what love is, yeah yeah; melt me hot, hot, hot quickly"

I am streaming all the versions of all the songs and album. I absolutely love it.

Now that I got that out of my system...

It's been about a year (??!?!?) since Jungkook's Only Fans debut live stream. Time is flying.

We are anticipating gaining more context soon surrounding exactly what went down between them the prior two weeks to this live and what did Jimin mean when he said he "can handle it? (Are you sure you wanna know?)

There is a high possibility we might get some jikook carpool karaoke.

The main trailer drops Monday. Hold on to your ... whatever it is you hold on to when you get shook because I'm sure it'll be another earthquake on the timeline.

All lyrics translations credit: © 2024 by Learn Korean With Sel www.learnkoreanwithsel.com/

[iwillnotdieamonster]

"This is a beautiful letter from Fiona Apple explaining to her fans why she must postpone a concert date. I am impressed at the way she was instantly able to make the decision to choose love over her career. Indeed, the world needs more of this.

It's 6pm on Friday, and I'm writing to a few thousand friends I have not met yet. I'm writing to ask them to change our plans and meet a little while later.

Here's the thing.

I have a dog, Janet, and she's been ill for about 2 years now, as a tumor has been idling in her chest, growing ever so slowly. She's almost 14 years old now. I got her when she was 4 months old. I was 21 then — an adult, officially — and she was my kid.

She is a pitbull, and was found in Echo Park, with a rope around her neck, and bites all over her ears and face.

She was the one the dogfighters use to puff up the confidence of the contenders.

She's almost 14 and I've never seen her start a fight, or bite, or even growl, so I can understand why they chose her for that awful role. She's a pacifist.

Janet has been the most consistent relationship of my adult life, and that is just a fact. We've lived in numerous houses, and joined a few makeshift families, but it's always really been just the two of us.

She slept in bed with me, her head on the pillow, and she accepted my hysterical, tearful face into her chest, with her paws around me, every time I was heartbroken, or spirit-broken, or just lost, and as years went by, she let me take the role of her child, as I fell asleep, with her chin resting above my head.

She was under the piano when I wrote songs, barked any time I tried to record anything, and she was in the studio with me, all the time we recorded the last album.

The last time I came back from tour, she was spry as ever, and she's used to me being gone for a few weeks, every 6 or 7 years.

She has Addison's Disease, which makes it more dangerous for her to travel, since she needs regular injections of Cortisol, because she reacts to stress and excitement without the physiological tools which keep most of us from literally panicking to death.

Despite all this, she's effortlessly joyful & playful, and only stopped acting like a puppy about 3 years ago. She is my best friend, and my mother, and my daughter, my benefactor, and she's the one who taught me what love is.

I can't come to South America. Not now. When I got back from the last leg of the US tour, there was a big, big difference.

She doesn't even want to go for walks anymore.

I know that she's not sad about aging or dying. Animals have a survival instinct, but a sense of mortality and vanity, they do not. That's why they are so much more present than people.

But I know she is coming close to the time where she will stop being a dog, and start instead to be part of everything. She'll be in the wind, and in the soil, and the snow, and in me, wherever I go.

I just can't leave her now, please understand. If I go away again, I'm afraid she'll die and I won't have the honor of singing her to sleep, of escorting her out.

Sometimes it takes me 20 minutes just to decide what socks to wear to bed.

But this decision is instant.

These are the choices we make, which define us. I will not be the woman who puts her career ahead of love & friendship.

I am the woman who stays home, baking Tilapia for my dearest, oldest friend. And helps her be comfortable & comforted & safe & important.

Many of us these days, we dread the death of a loved one. It is the ugly truth of Life that keeps us feeling terrified & alone. I wish we could also appreciate the time that lies right beside the end of time. I know that I will feel the most overwhelming knowledge of her, and of her life and of my love for her, in the last moments.

I need to do my damnedest, to be there for that.

Because it will be the most beautiful, the most intense, the most enriching experience of life I've ever known.

When she dies.

So I am staying home, and I am listening to her snore and wheeze, and I am revelling in the swampiest, most awful breath that ever emanated from an angel. And I'm asking for your blessing.

I'll be seeing you.

Love,

Fiona"

Credit goes to the respective owners.

[lucy90712]

Gavi watching his s/o perfoming at her concert and him being so happy and proud of her.

WC: 2.2k Tonight is the night my dream finally comes true. I have always liked to sing and I've wondered if I could ever make it as a singer but for a long time that felt impossible. As it turns out it it's not impossible as I just released my first album and now I'm going to perform my first ever concert. 

A few years ago my dream still felt impossible but then I met Pablo. We started off as friends after a mutual friend introduced us but we were both attracted to each other so things quickly progressed into us dating. A few months after we met we made things official and once we did we were pretty much inseparable. One day I was over at his place waiting for him to get home from training as he wanted us to spend as much time together as possible as he had a busy time coming up. While I was waiting I was making the both of us lunch and like I always do I was singing as I work but I was so in my own world that I didn't hear the door open and Pablo come in. As soon as he heard me singing and we talked about it a bit Pablo insisted that I at least try and make it as a singer. 

Pablo did everything he could to support me as I started proper voice lessons and begin to write and record songs. I used some of the money I had saved to pay for all of that but Pablo also helped me out which I tried to tell him not to do but he insisted on helping me out. When things felt impossible and like a waste of time Pablo encouraged me by saying that he used to feel that way when he was younger but now he's achieved his dream because he kept working hard. He really wanted us both to be living our dreams and be that power couple who have both worked so hard to achieve their dreams all while supporting each other every step of the way. It was his positivity and belief in me that kept me going even when things were hard. 

After a lot of hard work behind the scenes I released my first song which a few people listened to but it wasn't a success at all. That didn't deter me though I kept going and trying to find my style which eventually I did and that was rewarded by the song somehow blowing up on tiktok which brought more attention to all of my other music. Once more people started to listen to my music I made sure that I kept them interested by putting out more music as quickly as I could. Eventually things became more stable and I had created a proper fan base which was doing nothing but growing. Once it got to this point Pablo used my song in his Instagram story and a few weeks later we went public with our relationship which helped me a lot too. He offered his help from the beginning but I wanted to make it on my own as that's the only way I'd feel like my success was my own. 

Since then I've been working hard every day and I even quit my job as I was starting to make money from my music and Pablo said he would help support me if I needed it. Last month I released my first full album and now I'm preparing for my first concert right where it all started in Barcelona. After this I have a small tour around Spain but I just had to start here in Barcelona so that Pablo and the rest of my friends could attend. 

I have been at the venue for a few hours already because I had to be here to do sound check as well as many other things but the main reason I got here so early is because I'm so nervous. I barely slept last night because I was so worried that no one would turn up even though I know exactly how many tickets have been sold. Also running through my mind was the thought that everyone might hate my voice as I know I'll sound different in real life even though I don't use auto tune. We had sound check first which took my mind off things for a bit but then I was back to sitting around until rehearsals which allowed me to go back to thinking about everything that could go wrong. After rehearsals I had a few hours until the start of the show which was supposed to be for me to get ready but I started it by sitting and having a panic attack. 

"Are you ok my love?" Pablo asked as he poked his head round the door 

"Yeah I'm fine what are you doing here so early" I said 

"I wanted to come and see you because I knew you'd be nervous and I can tell that you are not having a good time so its a good thing I'm here" he said 

"Now tell me what's going through your mind" he said 

"I just don't want everyone to hate me I mean what if I'm not as good as they thought I was" I said 

"If anyone thinks that then they're crazy because I know nothing about singing but you have always sounded like an angel to me even when you're not trying so everyone will love you don't stress yourself over that" he said 

"I'm definitely not that good but thank you" I laughed 

"Aren't you supposed to be getting ready?" He asked 

"Yeah I am" I replied 

"Then what are you waiting for you I know I love watching you get ready" he smiled 

He wasn't lying so I grabbed all of my makeup stuff and started to get myself ready while Pablo sat behind me watching in the mirror as his arms clung around my waist. While I was concentrating he just kept talking which was actually really helpful as it kept me distracted and made me laugh every now and then. Once my makeup was done it was time for hair and Pablo being the good boyfriend he is helped me section my hair and hold strands out the way while I did the style I had planned. He then helped me into my outfit while I put my earpieces in as there was only a few minutes until I was supposed to go on. 

Once I was ready Pablo grabbed my hand and we walked backstage together. That's when I started to hear the crowd and things suddenly felt so much more real than they did earlier. All of those people are here for me which is such a crazy concept and slightly overwhelming to think about. Pablo must've been able to tell that I was getting nervous again as he spun me round to face him and placed his hands on my waist. He held me close to him and had me look directly into his eyes which made it feel like we were the only two people there which really calmed my anxiety. 

"You've got this cariño just go out there and give it your all I will be right there the whole time so just look at me if you feel anxious" he said 

"Thank you amor" I whispered back 

With that he let go of me and gave me one last kiss before running off to make it to his seat. I jumped up and down a bit and to hype myself up before finally walking out onto the stage. The noise was almost deafening as people in the crowd screamed and cheered for me. I couldn't help but smile knowing that there was this much excitement just to hear me sing I mean I'm not anything special I'm not like Taylor Swift but I sure felt like it walking out into that stage. To help settle myself I spoke to the crowd a bit and I looked for Pablo who was sat with some of the boys right in my eye line. 

When I finally started my set I begun to feel a whole lot more confident and I really got into it. I was completely in my own world feeling myself as I sung all of my songs and did all of the dances I had worked on with a choreographer. Every now and then I looked over to Pablo who was singing along every time I looked over without a care in the world which gave me even more confidence to do the same. All of the boys looked like they were having a good time but when I caught Pablo's eyes and saw him give me the biggest smile I could feel his proud he was. For a second I wondered if that's how he felt when I did the same for him whilst he was playing but I couldn't think about it for too long as the show had to go on. 

"I have one last song for you all I'm sure you can guess which one it is but before I start I want to thank a special someone who's actually here watching me today" I said 

"Pablo thank you for believing in me every step of the way if you hadn't of convinced me to give singing a try there is no way I'd be stood here today I owe all of this to you so thank you for helping me achieve my dream" I continued 

As I performed my last song I kept my eyes on Pablo who had tears in his eyes which were obvious even from a distance. This song was one of the first ones I ever wrote and it has always been his favourite of mine so it was only right to dedicate it to him and sing it as if we were the only people mind the room. The whole night had been magical but this moment made me feel like I was dreaming I could faintly hear the crowd in the background as I rounded up this amazing experience by sending a kiss to Pablo who sent one right back. Before leaving the stage I thanked everyone for coming and thanked the small team I had helping me as they deserve some of the recognition too. 

Once I got off stage and back to my dressing room all of the adrenaline left my body and suddenly I was exhausted but also all of the emotions caught up with me and nothing could wipe the smile off my face. The fact that I'd just done my first concert finally sunk in and I felt an overwhelming sense of pride in myself this is such a big occasion and could mark the start of a whole new life for me especially as I leave tomorrow for my next show in Madrid. After a few minutes of alone time there was a knock on my dressing room door so I went to open it thinking it might be my manager coming to check on me but instead I was greeted by Pablo and everyone else who came holding bouquets of flowers. There was so many flowers that once they were handed to me I couldn't see anything so I had to put them all down in the small sofa in the room. I thanked all the guys for coming and for the flowers and they all congratulated me on my performance before they all left so that I could be with Pablo. It only took a matter of seconds before Pablo smashed his lips onto mine. 

"You were so amazing out there" he said giving me a kiss in between each word 

"Thank you it felt amazing I've never felt such a rush in my life" I said 

"I knew you'd have the best time" he smiled 

"Also you didn't have to say all that about me this is your success all I did was steer you in the right direction" he said 

"I know but you've supported me whenever I wanted to give up and you posting with my songs has helped me a lot I really do owe you a lot because I wouldn't be here without you" I said 

"Thats sweet of you to say but I think you were destined for this life I'm glad I get to be a part of it and see you live your dream" he said 

"You're going to make me cry" I laughed 

"Don't cry my love just be happy you achieved a big thing today you should be smiling and so proud of yourself" he said 

We stayed at the venue for a bit longer before Pablo drove me back to his place so we could spend the night together. Along the way he got me to order whatever food I wanted for dinner was I hadn't eaten since lunch and was starving. We spent the night watching movies together on the sofa eating a lot of food all of which Pablo shouldn't have but he told me it was fine as it was a special day which only made the smile on my face bigger if that was even possible. 

[sageistri]

I have been entertaining the thought that RM demanded a solid promotional campaign and rollout since he’s been witness to everything that panned out last year. He watched from the sidelines JK getting posters, ads, promotion videos, playlisting, radio, influencer collaborations, media play and more. And I believe RM is someone who understands charts a fair bit. He watched one of them get everything on a silver platter and now probably wants a better package for himself too. Good for him. I hope everyone gets it. They still won’t get the scooter package, but anything is better than nothing. I hope JM gets it too. He’s gonna go to new heights with a half decent, unsaboataged album rollout.

Yeah so far his promo looks better than for indigo, not necessarily because of the posters alone but because I've seen a couple press releases giving insight into the album, and that's always a good way to drum up excitement.

But in my opinion all that doesn't do much if he's not getting the basics, the things that actually drives streams up and help with chart positions, which is good playlisting. What's the point of doing these things that only armys are going care about if they aren't doing the stuff that will get his music to a broader audience.

If a TTH placement wasn't the most important of all, some hybe artists wouldn't be getting it for every release and spending months on there.

Also I saw a lot of armys saying new jeans got the playlisting and support that BTS solos didn't get, and I agree but do they also forget that one member got more than new jeans ever got which means that Hybe could give it to the other members but they don't want to?. Like I understand saying "oh this rookie group got this but not bts", but I'm not going to blame a group of young girls for a decision hybe made themselves. Yes mhj is a leech, but I highly doubt she stopped bang pd from giving the others playlisting. Armys talking about payola when when jk is literally right there. If jk could spend months on TTH with multiple songs then I think other BTS members could get a good placement as well.

Like we all witnessed seven being moved up multiple spots on TTH in a single week, when usually the playlist gets updated weekly. Do you know the kind of in you need to have to get Spotify to do that?

Posters mean nothing when there's no playlisting, radioplay or even a good amount of physical cd stocks. If those weren't the ultimate needs, jk wouldn't have gotten all of that with 50k CDs being restocked every week.

Yes Tae got versions (but no CDs mind you or TTH), Hobi got CDs (and posters according to someone) but still no TTH. Everything's worse because the members aren't even here to perform or promote the music at all so they should be getting other ways to spread their music. At this point they can only hope a miracle happens for them.

Y'all don't understand how much work playlists do for an artist but I do understand and that's why I always talk about it. It's how you increase your monthly listeners because more people are introduced to your music, it keeps your Listener count and streams stable even of you don't drop music for a while. The weeknd doesn't have the biggest streams debut but he has the highest monthly listeners in the world and stability because his songs are added to a shit ton playlists.

At this point it feels like Hybe is doing all these little things like posters and CDs (with not even enough stock available) to hide the fact that they are not actually doing anything. Like I seriously doubt jk had less than 50k CDs first week for all 3 of his singles, but here they go giving other members 10-20k CDs that never gets restocked again. But of course jk Stans will say "I thought y'all said x could achieve what jk did if the got the same promo?, well look at friend(s)"... Itunes pre-orders and a couple versions does not even begin to put a dent in the kind of promo and push seven got but ok. If Hybe decided to give the other 6 members the exact same kind of push jk got they would definitely go bankrupt so why would they do that?

So right now even with Jimin I'm not banking on them doing what's expected, my hope right now is that he's able to get a broader audience even without their help. Lots of other artists have done it and he could.

[nescaveckwriter]

Smoky Old Barrooms, Saving Grace & Guitars - Chapter Three

A/N: … Y'all this one is just so Awwww we find out what's the matter with Grace, we meet her sister Kelly and her fiancé Benny, and then we see what Dean is feeling and the rest is just beautiful but sad moments. I hope y'all like it, also just a little side note, the song/poem that was used was written by me. Okayz that's it for now my bugs, I hope you enjoy, let me know okay. Love y'all, bye-bye Warnings: 18+ Only Mentions of a medical condition, bit swearing, heartache, Characters: Dean Winchester, Bobby Singer, Benny Lafitte, Grace Tucker, Kelly Tucker Words: 1474 Cover & Pictures: Pinterest, Canva, Google Side Note: Please check out my Masterlist for more, epic stories

Also song is: Charles Esten "Out of the blue" - Yes I am struggling with my Signal, some stuff works the rest doesn't. Xo but anywayz love y'all.

There's melodies playing over the radio station as the Chevy Impala roars down the road, Dean hums with the Led Zeppelin song, as he takes in the early sunrise, he always tries to drive out to the spot where he clears his mind, sometimes with some black coffee, other times with some beer or bourbon, it just really depends on the mood. But this morning he feels lighter, after the last couple of weeks, he met that beautiful woman again, turns out she was the other artist Bobby wanted him to sing with, not that he's complaining, there's something about her, he just can't explain, but her light is so contagious, she seems so carefree so happy. Oh damn and her voice, she sounds like an southern angel. The Radio presenter breaks his deep thoughts.  "And now, what we all have been waiting for, Ladies and Gents, Cowboys and Cowgirls, the one and only Grace Tucker" Dean immediately turns the radio up, what are the odds.

Her sweet voice comes over the speaker, "Howdy Rick," she let's out a soft giggle "I'm so honored to be here with y'all, thank you for having me"

"So tell me Grace, how did you manage it to bring out two albums in a year?"

"I've got a great manager and producer, Kelly, my sister, and if the creativity has a hold of you, you got to run with it"

Laughing now, "It must be fun working with your sister?"

"Yes, she is amazing, she keeps me in line and helps me remember the important stuff, I love her so much, and wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for her, and all of you of course"

"You don't see family working so closely together anymore, so tell me Grace, do you think your new album with reach platinum status?"

Laughing, "I'm not sure, I guess it depends if the listeners will like it"

"Tell us a bit more about your song's please"

 "Well Rick I draw inspiration from everyday situations and experiences, it's mostly about things about the heart you know, we all take it for granted sometimes, but its one of the most complex parts of our human existence"

"I have no words Grace, that is enough to make some of our listeners cry so early in the morning"

Grasping "Oh my, I'm sorry, not my intention, but I love it when it awakens everyone's emotions"

"Miss Tucker, that's the one thing all of your songs, does, so without further due, would you please sing us a little something"

"Oh I would love to, thank you, y'all will be the first that hear my new single" Picking up the guitar, adjusting the microphone, smiling "this one's called, 'No Good No More' I hope y'all enjoy it"

I heard the news today

No use for any further delay

My heart's no good no more What else could I ask for

A few more years Without all the heartaches and tears

A few more memories A few more stories

Could someone please tell me why Why I should leave And say goodbye Help me to believe

In something more than just me Leaving behind what I know, how can this be

I've gotten the news today And there's no other way to say

My heart's no good no more It will never be the same as before

So with one last wave I ask you to keep this memories save.

I will walk away right about now Before this heartache starts to show

The moment her sweet voice stopped, the were hands clapping over the radio, Dean sat there, looking out over the city on that hilltop, he felt mesmerized, that felt so personal, so real and authentic, the question is who would break her heart.

As she walked out of the studio, to the parking space, that's when she felt the old familiar wooziness, heart beating rapidly it feels like a drummer's trying to figure, if he's playing a rock or a love song, dryness in her mouth, croakiness in her throat,  the ground and sky is spinning in front of her eyes, a total blur in front her eyes, trying to get something to hold onto, to steady her in place, but nothing it didn't take long for her body to plunge towards the ground, she just sat there in the middle of the road, trying to find her balance, find strength to get up, but the exhaustion took over, placing her hand over her chest, trying to calm it down, she used the other hand to pull out her phone, pressing down '1' she's got her sister on speed dial, it felt like the phone was ringing forever, her voice friendly "Hey Gracie, what's up? Done at the studio?"

She can barely form audible words, "Kelly, help" is all she could get out, before her world turned dark.

"Grace, Gracie, come on, open your eyes for me please sweetie" Kelly pleaded 

Her eyes started to open slowly, glancing into her sister's brown watery eyes, her voice hoarse "Hey sis, you came" 

Overjoyed "Of course, I came you called, you scared the hell out of me, you know that?"

Coming up to her elbows, realizing she's in her sisters bedroom, the only noticing Kelly's fiancé, "Oh hey Benny!, didn't see you there" looking in her sisters direction again, "I'm sorry Sis, I didn't mean too"

Benny just nodded, when she said hello, but he stays quiet for most of this, he struggles to find the right words, how does he comfort the love of his life, when they all know the inevitable, its  only a matter of time, before Grace says goodbye forever. It broke Kelly when Grace told her, she's in her final stage of heart failure, the doctors said she had a year left, maybe! He's the one who hold's his bride to be, sobbing in his arms every night. This is supposed to be a joyful time for him and Kelly, but instead their heartbroken, he's known Grace for ten years and she's like a little sister to him. He can't deny it, the moments when he's not around Kelly or working he would occasionally break down as well, due to the fact of how unfair life is. No one deserves it, especially not her. Kelly's voice shook him out of his deep thoughts. "Baby, could you please grab a glass of water" nodding "On it darling" Benny said with a small smile curving on his handsome features.

"Grace, you need too take it slower, please, you need to get enough rest"

She just faintly nods, her voice brittle "I'm sorry, I will I promise" Kelly sits down on the bed, wrapping her arms over her sister's fragile body, kissing the top of her head, saying softly "I love you Sis"

Tears streaming over her cheeks "I love you too!" trying too clear her throat she breaths "I'm scared" 

Kelly thumbs away the tears, trying to cover the pain in her voice, "Me too sis, me too" 

Seeing the old man, with his ball cap sitting at the table busy with the contract that was sent him, for Dean's and Grace's duet. 

"Hey Bobby, how's things looking, when can we start with the tour?"

Irritation clear on the old features, "I am not sure if this is going to work boy, Grace's manager has stipulated that the two of you can do the show together, but there will be no touring"

Confused "But why? I thought the whole point of this, was to release an album and do a country wide tour, maybe even world wide!"

"Exactly, I will get on the phone and set up a meeting with her immediately" 

"Thank you Bobby, I really want to make this album with her, I've even started working on a couple of new songs"

Bobby just smiled and nodded.

"Speaking of songs, do you know if everything is alright with Benny, he just ran out, after he had a call from his fiancé and I haven't heard a word from him yet, we are supposed to work on that new song?"

Bobby just shook his head and went on with reading the contract further, making notes about what he wanted to remember. 

Dean just walked out of the office, humming Grace's new song to himself, it's stuck in his head but he doesn't really mind, everything about her is burned into his memory, her sweet angel voice, the stage lights dancing around in her eyes, her strawberry hair flowing in the night sky, and then her lips, wondering what it tasted like, knowing he probably shouldn't , but he's falling in love with her, he felt alive for the first time in so long, new music is running through his veins, as for his heart, it was somewhere between beating rapidly and coming to a stand still. Wondering if she might feel the same.

[rachelbethhines]

Things That I Use To Help Manage My ADHD and Executive Dysfunction

1. To Do Lists

I know, I know.

Making a list is boring. I lose the paper. I forget to make the to do list.

Believe me, I know.

I've been there, but trust me it does help once you get into the habit.

Here's some tips on how to get started

Try making your list in a digital app or a document file so you don't lose it

Sticky notes in a place you're sure to see them

An erasable board like a marker board or a chalkboard that you keep up in a specific place and never move. Like on the wall or the fridge.

Put "make 'to do' list" on the to do list so you don't forget to do it

Set aside a certain time to fill out or check off the list each day. Consistency is key.

Use calendars, alarms, and timers liberally to keep track of appointments and to manage your time so you don't hyper-focus on something to the determinant of more important things

But be flexible for things that don't have deadlines or appointments. Don't beat yourself up if something doesn't get done, just add it back onto the list for next time

2. Randomizers

Part of the problem with executive dysfunction is being overwhelmed by choice. So I keep a few randomizer websites booked marked that I use regularly

Wheel pickers

List randomizers

Random number generators

Like I keep my list of projects on a wheel picker app. And my chores that I don't have deadlines for on another. When making my to do list I'll spin the wheel to pick the project or chore that I'm going to work on that day.

I do the same when picking out albums to listen to or movies to watch so I don't go doom scrolling while wasting time deciding.

3. Meal Planning

Similar to the above, I take one day out of the week to draw up my meal plan for the next week.

Use this time to take stock of your pantry and fridge. What needs to get used up?

Anything special you want to fix over the week or weekend? Save the recipes to a document or leave a bookmark in your cookbook

Overwhelmed with choices or just don't know what to do with certain ingredients? Try a randomizer or an app like supercook to come up with ideas.

After you've taken inventory of your kitchen and figured out any special recipes you want to make, go ahead and fill out your grocery list

Set aside time on your to do list for shopping, meal prep, and cooking through out the week.

Pre-plan what days/times you are going to eat out or get takeout and work that into the meal plan/budget

Budget not only your money but also your time. How long will this recipe take to prep/cook? How much effort will it require of me? Is there any shortcuts I can take to make things easier, like buying my veggies already diced?

Try using an app to keep track of your meal plan, grocery list, and recipes so that they're all in one place

4. Mental Health Apps

I like Booster Buddy, but it's no longer supported for newer devices. I have also used Finch. But at the end of the day it doesn't matter which app you choose.

The point of having a program dedicated for mental health is to have a handy way to check in on yourself and see how you are feeling. Many apps will offer visual cues to allow you to break down your motivation and energy levels.

This will help give you a guideline for the day so you don't stretch yourself too thin.

A good app will also offer little suggestions and tips to help improve your mood or provide genteel reminders for small things that help with self care.

But most importantly it will help you spot patterns over time so you can better notice ongoing problems or see gradual changes as you get better.

5. Finding and Avoiding What Triggers My Dissociation

This is the hardest one.

I suffer from Maladaptive Daydreaming on top everything else which only makes my ADD and Executive Dysfunction even worse.

For others it maybe obsessive compulsion or a tendency to hyper-focus.

Things that I found that can be triggers are boredom, anxiety, isolation, health/dietary complications, and even the weather.

So here's some things I noticed that help

Set aside a certain time during the day to read/watch the news and then ignore it for the rest of the day. Yes be informed, but don't obsess.

Get your news from actual reputable news sources and not social media! Avoid algorithms feeding you negativity.

If you want to be more politically active schedule time for it, get involved with actual charities or political organizations, and then go about your regular business afterwards

Limit social media time. For me it's mornings before work for about 30mins, and then maybe an hour after work.

Curate your online experience. Block what you need to. Unfollow who you see fit. Social media should be fun not stressful.

Talk to other people! Make plans to hang out on weekends or call/text someone during the weekday. Try to make contact with another human being in some form everyday for at least a few mins, even if it's just online in a discord chat.

Have a book or notepad handy for when you get bored at work. Read, write, or draw during your downtime so you don't start staring off into space.

Keep a short list of fun things to do handy if you feel bored at home.

Set aside time to daydream/worry/plan/meditate/decompress. You need to mentally unwind at some point. The goal is to have that time per-planned so that it doesn't distract from other needed tasks. Getting into a routine with that time will also help.

Eating enough iron/vitamin C/protein ect. Food is energy and you need energy to focus. Meal planning will help with this.

TAKE YOUR MEDS!!!

Sometimes the weather will make you groggy, irritated, or anxious. There's not much you can do about this other than to accept it and just try your best.

You can however plan for bad weather ahead of time. Go to the National Weather site to find out about upcoming weather in your area and to figure what you need to be prepared for it. Try getting into the habit of doing this regularly.

[ughgoaway]

I don't know if you've written about this or something similar, but lately I've been thinking a lot about little Annie having a talent show at school, a small thing for the kids, nothing important. Matty super proud (it doesn't matter what she chose to do) and Aunt Charli chose her dress and girly helps her on backstage because she's nervous and and all the boys are there to watch her (again it doesn't matter what talent she chooses) super super super supportive and cute 💞

oh this is SO CUTEEEE. I'm working on an ask about Annie staring in the school play/musical atm but a talent show is a very diff vibe!!

✿❀✿✿❀✿✿❀✿✿❀✿✿❀✿✿❀✿✿❀✿✿❀✿

I think Annie comes back from school absolutely buzzing about it. She drives home with you after work, so she comes bounding in as soon as the door opens.

"DADDYYYYY," she shouts, running into every room looking for him. When she finally sees him on the sofa, she POUNCES on him and shoves the poster in his face.

"Look, it's a talent show!! can I play guitar, pleaseeeeee??" Annie asks hopefully. matty had bought her her first guitar a few months ago, and she was pretty good. She was committed to learning, and she had even come to the studio a few times and reorded some bits. you have to convince matty she doesn't need a solo record yet, "baby, you don't even have a solo record." You argue, "i know! but it would be so fun!!"

(But he crumbles and agrees that he won't do one... yet. but he does ask her to play a little bit for the next album, and he names the song after her :) )

he tells everyone that will listen that she's a prodigy. You just roll your eyes and laugh at how obsessed with his daughter he is. To be honest, you're just as proud, you don't shout it from the rooftops like matty. but that was one of the things that made you fall in love with him in the first place. The love he had for Annie was truly unmatched.

so needless to say, he immediately agrees, and they start working. the next few weeks in your house are filled with the sound of strumming guitars and humming.

Annie chooses to play a 75 song, matty plays it kind of cool in front of her but can't hold it in for long, "of her own accord and everything!!" matty tells you excitedly in bed, scrolling through the 25 photos he took of her practising. you can't help the grin that comes across your face at how excited they both are.

(I can't decide what song right now, but it would be one with a pretty easy acoustic guitar part so Annie can play along!)

the week before the show, matty comes into the studio with a recording of them playing and invites all the boys to the show. They all agree immediately and fight the tears at the video of little Annie with her tongue out as she carefully strums her butterfly guitar.

//////

you call charli a few days before the performance, and she can hear Annie chatting away in the background, "Hey, you know Annie's got that show next week? do you wanna have a girl's day out shopping and find a dress? she was going to wear her bridesmades dress from Denise's wedding, but she's grown out of it already." charli takes no convicing, already googling dresses before you've finished speaking. you invite carly too, but baby hann has 0 interest in coming along, so she rains checks this time!

so have a girl's day out!! moochng around and getting a fancy lunch, annie is mesmerised by the free bread. the waiters treat her like a proper vip, laying the napkin over her lap carefully and bring her her apple juice in a fancy wine glass to let her match with you and charli! (You both decide you'll need a glass of wine before this experience)

She giggles the whole time, especially hard when they call her "Miss" and hand her the bill. you give her your card so she can pretend to pay, and you can tell she feels like a proper grown-up.

it turns out to not be as stressful as you thought, and it only takes 2 shops before you find the perfect dress! it's pink with mesh long sleeves and little gold stars all over it. It has 3 tiers and flows amazingly when Annie spins around, which was a necessity for her.

it comes to the day of the show and matty is tearing up all day, when he walks in on you two chatting as you put her hair up into little buns he nearly breaks, but manages to hold it in.

until he sees her in her dress, holding her guitar with the widest grin, showing off her gappy smile proudly. he pulls her in so hard that she can't help the "oof" that is forced out of her. he's squeezing her tight and trying not to sob. He looks at you over her shoulder and pouts. you nod and smile solemnly, rubbing your hand over his curls.

//////

it's a few minutes before Annie is meant to go on, and she waves you over, chewing her lip anxiously and fiddling with her guitar. you come over and bend down to her height, "You okay, sweet girl?" You rub your hand over her back and tuck the tag of her dress in.

"m'nervous. I don't know how Daddy does it, there's SO many people." she peeks out of the curtain and sees all her uncles and aunts filling up a row, with matty sitting at the end grinning like a mad man.

"I know, it's pretty scary. but sweetheart, your dad would be proud of you even if you didn't go out there tonight. he has had the best time teaching you guitar. " You smile at her and grab her hand, stopping her from pulling at the loose threads of her skirt.

"Really?" she asks with hopeful eyes. you reassure her immediately, "oh I promise, he even cried when he showed your uncles the video of you playing" you laugh and she giggles along too, visibly un-tensing at your words and the feeling of her hand in yours.

"He's so silly," she says, peeking out of the curtain again, but this time, she catches mattys eye and gives him a little wave. his eyes light up, and he eagerly waves back, leaning forward to get a better look at her.

the performance goes perfectly, so ideal that you'd think she was miming along to a track if you didn't know the school CD player was broken.

matty cries, openly wiping tears. the others hide it better, rubbing their eyes and sighing happily, "m' just proud of her, okay?" Ross says, sniffling.

you smile and put your head on mattys shoulder, waving at Annie as she walks off stage. She eagerly returns it and skips off stage happily.

so yeah, a very nice little family day for sure!! <333

[monsterbeetlebug]

A helping hand

Jack and Marguerite Baker x femreader, an au where the mold never got to them and a younger woman is their third part. A list of different things from sfw to nsfw.

"You are more than just a helping hand in the Baker residence. The couple very much adore each other, but you were the missing puzzle piece in their homely life in need for some help."

Tw: 18+, Mentions of hunting and taxidermy, alcohol, smoking, sexual and sensual activities, voyeurism.

(If you want you can listen to In dreams, Sierra Ferrell. You look like you love me, Ella Langley, or Just in love with you, The Deslondes while reading. I've listened to them while writing and it felt so cozy<3)

Sfw

After you said yes to Marguerite's offer you spent your days helping out the Baker couple. They both felt everything got easier and less stressful with you there. And how they loved having you around. It made their days brighter and filled with more purpose.

The main thing you helped them with was the bed n' breakfast. It had been one of Jack's dreams and it was absolutely amazing. They had your endless support in making it run as smoothly as possible. It wasn't open all year around, but it made good money and some regular guests. You'd always greet the regulars with a big smile and some extra services on the house.

You and Marguerite would usually spend parts of the week baking and stocking up the pantry with homemade food. You'd have sweet music playing in the background, laughing together and having a good ol' time. Jack would come by every now and then. Trying to steal a bite of whatever you were making or just to engage in hearty conversation with the two of you.

When doing laundry you'd help Marguerite with the heavier lifting and bending down to pick stuff up for her. You didn't mind doing the laundry alone sometimes too. She always felt so grateful and would give you a treat or something good to drink afterwards.

Marguerite would often go foraging and you had joined her in doing so. Finding a variety of plants to use in your cooking. Anything from berries to fruits, herbs, roots and whatever delicious things you'd find in the garden and local area. The heavy things to carry was taken care of by you. Foraging made the food taste that special bit better, knowing you had put in the extra effort of gathering it yourself.

If you went out foraging alone you always end up picking a bouquet of flowers for Marguerite and Jack. Their favourite flowers mixed together and put in a beautiful vase. They adored your simple act of love. You loved doing small things to show your love and gratitude.

On cold nights you'd cuddle up on a couch next to Marguerite. Both of you with a cup of tea and a good book, just enjoying each other's company. Sometimes you'd look through photo albums together as she told you stories. You had even picked up a habit of crocheting when spending time with her. Alot of the crocheting you did ended up as gifts or decorations around the house. You and Marguerite truly bonded over these activities.

When Jack was out hunting he always came home with something. Big or small, you and Marguerite where proud either way. Jack did all the butchering so you and Marguerite only had to prepare it for storing or cooking. He took you out hunting sometimes if you wanted to come along. He'd show you all the tricks and the best places. It was a good opportunity to look for places to forage or pick flowers from. You enjoyed the time you spent together as he taught you everything he knew about hunting.

Since Jack hunted he also did some taxidermy. He liked using the whole animal so nothing was wasted. His favourite thing to do was make something for you. He knew you loved oddities, and he felt proud to present you with something he had put so much work and passion into. You always loved the trinkets and taxidermy he made for you. You had placed them around the house and in your room to show of the priced possessions you had been gifted.

If you ever got hurt the both of them would drop what they where doing and come running. Jack would either carry you or support you while asking if you're alright. He always got this worried expression while talking to you. Marguerite would check out your wounds and get whatever was needed to treat you. Telling you how everything is going to be fine and how brave you are. They made you feel so safe and cared for.

Every now and then they would often fall asleep in a chair each or on a couch together. Leaning on the doorframe or a wall you tilted your head to the side with a soft smile. Pulling blankets over them so they wouldn't get cold and letting them get the rest they deserved. You didn't have the heart to wake them up.

Jack loved playing records or cassettes for you. Since you loved having music on alot of them time he wanted to show you all his old classics. Most of it was country and old rock. His favourite moments where when you lit up with joy as you discovered new songs that you fell in love with. He got the most genuine smile and eyes filled with admiration as he watched you.

When it was dinnertime you'd all help each other. You and Marguerite did most of the cooking and setting the table, but Jack would always help out with the dishes and the cleanup so you really didn't mind.

There was so much love to go around in the household. Always a hug to spare, a kind smile, loving eyes and words of affection. A frequent kiss to either the cheek or forehead. Praise for the good work or a helping hand. Loving nicknames all day long. Honey or darling where the most commonly used.

You'd watch football matches together with Jack when they where on TV. Football wasn't really you thing, but you enjoyed spending time with him. He always answered your questions with enthusiasm. You loved listening to him speak so passionately, even though you didn't understand half of the terms used in football.

On sunny days you would often lay in the tall grass and look up at the clouds drifting by. Jack and Marguerite would often find you asleep out there. Waking up in your bed you knew what had happened. You felt so greatful for them and nothing could ever make you leave them.

Jack used to brew his own beer. Some of it was sold in the bed n' breakfast and some he kept for himself. He also made some moonshine, but that was mostly for tinctures and such that Marguerite made. You'd often help with keeping count and packaging while you kept them company.

You'd catch youself admiring them from a distance. Thinking of how cute they are, how well they fit together. It made you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. A wholesome feeling as you watched them interact.

If you put on one of their favourite records you could see them dancing together as if they had just fallen in love. Your heart fluttering as you watched them glide across the floor. How you loved setting up these "accidental" scenarios.

If you ever went away for a few days they would miss you dearly. Waiting for their darling to come back home again. They kept themselves busy while you where gone of course, but you where always in the back of their mind.

Nsfw

Believe it or not, but Marguerite had been the one to contact you about the whole situation. Jack had been more hesistant about the whole ordeal, but he warmed up to the idea after a while. Marguerite had explained it all to you, the choice was all up to you. You spent some time thinking it over and asked about different things. And after some back and forth you couldn't possibly say no.

Marguerite wasn't able to provide the same actions that Jack longed for anymore. She of course tried, but it made her feel sad that she couldn't do it for him anymore. He never made her feel bad about it though. He loved his dear wife all the same.

That's where you came in. A helping hand in the areas she couldn't preform. She knew Jack would come to love you eventually. You all spent time in the beginning to get to know each other before anything explicit where to happen of course. Making sure everyone was on board amd secure.

For Marguerite you would provide different sorts of relaxing and pleasureable activities, since sexual activities was of the table for her. You would draw warm baths for her. Lightning the room with candles to create a soft and sensual atmosphere. Music and wonderful aromas filled the air as you helped her into the tub. You help her by washing her hair and scrub her back. Letting her feel deserving of some luxury and pampering. You'd tell her how beautiful see still was and it gave her nice a confidence boost.

Other times you would give her sensual massages. Helping her neck, shoulders and back to relax more. You made the experience solely focusing on her enjoyment. Using oils and lotions with her favorite sents.

On Marguerite and Jack's date nights you would help Marguerite with dressing up, making her feel gorgeous. You'd help her with some makeup as well so she could look in the mirror and feel sexy again. She was so greatful for your actions and would hug you tightly.

Marguerite would tell you about their younger days, reminiscing about the things they had tried in the bedroom. You'd share a bottle of wine and some goodies as tou talked. Setting the mood for the things you talked about. She told you all about hew he had made her feel when fooling around. She would tell you what to try with him and how he liked it. She had all sort of ideas for the two of you to try out. It was interesting and exciting listening to Marguerite speak so wholeheartedly about their past sexlife. It almost felt like an honor that they let you be a part of such an intimate part of their life.

Jack still loved caressing his wife very much. He never missed a chance to do so. Giving Marguerite the feeling of being sexy and sensual however he could. Giving her lustfilled kisses, making it very clear how much how she made him feel. The bulge in his crotch was the unmistakable evidence. He sincerly loved her, so he made her feel special in any way he could.

For a man of his age Jack was very much in shape for sex. He had no problem getting erections and his stamina was impressive. You suspected that it was a mix of him keeping himself in shape by working so much and all the homemade food.

Jack was a generous lover. He did not mind waiting his turn. You would always come first in line, unless you initiated something on him first of course. He was a sucker for your antics and couldn't help but fall victim if you did something suggestive towards him.

Having a think for smoking wasn't for the faint hearted around Jack and Marguerite. You yourself didn't like to smoke, but how you loved watching others do. When you had the chance you kepp them company just so you could watch them. Jack was the one who smoked the most out of the two, so you often ended up watching him in awe. The way he held the cigarettein his lips. How the glowing tip brightend as he took a drag. How the puff of smoke cane out and slithered it's way into the air from his mouth or nose. If you didn't find him attractive before, oh lord you sure did now.

Marguerite would be invited to watch you and Jack. Voyeurism turned out to be exciting for her, and she enjoyed every second of it. She would often watch from a distance, while other times she sat nearby saying loving fraces to her two lovebirds. Her words would often praise or encourage you both. She would give Jack passionate kisses in-between. She would also gently cup you chin and tell you what a good girl you were being.

When you where alone with Jack and felt frisky, nothing could stop you from feeling him up. Or rather down honestly. A finger trailing down his body until it met his crotch, cupping it, giving it a soft squeeze. Oh the look he gave you when you did that, dangerous hunger in his eyes. It made you bite your lip and squeeze your thighs together.

When Jack found you standing around he would come up behind you. Either giving your bottom a loving squeeze or a hungry kiss along you neck. Murmuring sweet nothings in your ear, making you blush and feel warm inside. It had occasionally ended in him taking you from behind wherever you where. And boy howdy you couldn't even have fantasized these moments.

One of your favorites things to do was disturbing Jack when he was watching football and drinking beer alone. You'd crawl up between his legs and give him a good ol' blowjob. Because you knew there was a rewarding punishment for disturbing him like this. It usually ended up being cock warming or being lazily fingered until his footballmatch was done and his beer was finished. If it was a match he didn't care much for he'd make you ride him agonisingly slow while he was focused on your tits. You were so impatient and turned into a whiny and whimpering mess, but it was definitely worth it in the end.

If Marguerite had gone to bed early and Jack didn't feel like going to sleep yet, he'd ask if you felt like fooling around. Your answer was yes most of the time. You didn't get enough of this man to be quite honest. He often ended up with his face buried between your legs, eating you out like he was starving. He almost forgot about his own erection. Some nights he would sleep over in your room and other nights he would wish you sweet dreams before he went back to his and Marguerite's bedroom.

[a-friendly-fangirl]

Random thoughts on We're in Love (or "Your average Italian girl has had an awful week and Boygenius' love saves her ass again"):

So, I've been listening to the Boys and to their solo stuff the whole week (for the past 5 months, to be honest... but who's counting?) and I've been going crazy lately for the beauty of We're in Love.

I think we can all acknowledge that that song is one of the greatest songs in "The Record" and one of the best ever written. And then I started bawling, when my mind got stuck on its lyrics and realised just how heartbreaking and beautiful it is.

This will be kind of my personal analysis (also inspired by some suggestions here and there... thank you to all the geniuses around that have noticed certain things. I wish I could write down all your names, but my memory is awful), so if you disagree with it or feel the need to add something, do it. I'd be happy to meet more Boygenius fans!

Ok, I'd like to begin with the third and fourth line of the first verse, where Lucy sings: "I don't need the symbol of a scar/ So put down the knife, we're not swapping blood". And yet, in "The film", Julien still takes a blood oath with the young versions of Lucy and Phoebe. I think that this was such an interesting choice to make, considering the difference between the words and the actions. This actually makes sense though, when underlining that 20$ is Julien's song and these words belong to Lucy.

Julien, as her solo albums readily witness, has no real problem with hurting herself ('Cause I'm so good at hurting myself - Brittle Boned) both physically and psychologically. We also know, from 20$, that she does believe in being connected to Phoebe and Lucy in every universe or life (In another life we were arsonists). Lucy does too with them (And I told you of your past lives; In the next one [life], will you find me? - We're in Love). Same goes for Phoebe, even though it's a little more subtle with her. In fact, more than believing in other lives, she seems to believe in changing herself in the present life, so much that, even though Emily I'm Sorry is her song, she has decided to sing it with her best friends, because, maybe, she'd rather be someone that can be loved by them in particular and not someone only Emily "could want".

To better understand the scar line/imagery, I think it important to notice that Julien doesn't take the blood oath with her adult friends but with their younger selves. In my opinion, it's like a machine has brought them in Julien's universe or timeline to help her get out of her home, which, listening to her music, is a synonym of recovery or at least of a better state of mind (in Go Home and Please Stay, it is quite clear: "I wanna go home, I'm sick", while in Graceland Too she finally gets out once she's feeling better). But, not belonging there (and we know they don't thanks to Julien's surprised expression when she sees little Phoebe), pehaps she's afraid that she'll lose them once they're done with the car, therefore asking them to do that oath. Childhood scars never fully leave us, so Julien might be convinced that it'll help adult Phoebe and Lucy to remember her, once they meet as intended or hoped.

When you think about it, the layers here are so many that it's scary. Scars have always at least a touch of negativity, even when you get them for something not negative per se (I have so many scars I got from running around as a child...), because they always follow pain. Julien and Phoebe have dealt with it their whole life and have actively put themselves through it more than once, so of course Julien chooses to use a knife (which also brings us back again to Please Stay: "The hunting knife you kept by your bed". I don't think the mention in We're in Love is a coincidence) against herself if it means being sure Phoebe and Lucy know it's her. But Lucy stops her for two main reasons:

Julien won't have to wait for them to find her, because she and Phoebe will, according to Lucy, be the ones going to her, if they want to (Will you find me?);

Instead of remembering each other through something painful, they could use the happy and positive memories they've shared in this life. Lucy once again wants to do everything in her power to dismantle her friends' self-destructive tendencies and replace them with something good (even the "happy" in Letter to an Old Poet was her suggestion).

Moving on to the next lines (Isn't it enough that we stripped down to our skin?/ Cold and porcelain like bathers in a painting), the beauty of this specific portrait delivered by Lucy kind of proves the point just made. Saying that the skin is "cold" and "porcelain" delivers a poetic image of extreme fragility that could be both literal or figurative and it shows just how much they trust each other. What Lucy appears to be pointing out is that she doesn't need any more pain to believe they're in love with each other, since they've already done the great sacrifice of showing themselves when they were most vulnerable (something they're still learning to do, according to recent interviews).

In Lucy's specific case (And I told you of your past lives, every man you've ever been/ It wasn't flattering, but you listened like it mattered), I'd go as far as to think that she did that by letting Phoebe and Julien listen to the stories of her past friendships or even relationships, telling them whom she had had by her side before them. She sings that that tale wasn't flattering: why? If I had to express myself on that, I'd guess, by her albums, that, just like any other human being, even Lucy has had a lot of troubled bonds with people she might have wrongly thought were as true and loyal to her as the Boys are now (take Strange Torpedo, Nonbeliever or Brando as examples). My personal take on this part is that she hasn't tried to tell Phoebe and Julien who they've been in the past, but to confess them who had had their roles in her life previously, feeling perhaps embarassed by it. But they're in no way bored or mad at her for that, listening, however, "like it mattered" (quoting True Blue: "It doesn't matter anymore", 'cause they're together now, but it is still important to her that they are paying attention to this part of her story).

She also admits being open to them about her own insecurities, especially the fear of being or seeming crazy (I feel crazy in ways I never say/ Will you still love me if it turns out I'm insane?/ I know what you'll say, but it helps to hear you say it anyway), making herself vulnerable by exposing this side of her she usually keeps hidden in hope of being reassured by them, which they've probably done a thousand times already.

Long story short, coming to the end of the first chorus: Lucy loves and values them for the trust they've put in each other and no scar will ever match that feeling. I have a lot more to say about the rest of the song, but this is mostly me ranting about it, so I'll see how it goes. Sorry for all of this :P

[a-moth-to-the-light]

Most-Listened of March 2024

[last month]

This was such an exciting month of releases--Purplekiss, Day6, BLEACHERS?? Chung Ha gave us a couple of songs, Nina Suárez came back out of nowhere, Lucy dropped a single, OLIVIA RODRIGO IS BACK?? I've been super excited for the J-Hope album, too, but I haven't been emotionally ready to check it out, yet, since I want to have the energy to really love it! Not to mention the Seori EP-- PLUS Bol4 and StayC both dropped some covers of huge 2019 k-pop hits.

And that isn't all. The highlights of my month were seeing Bruce Springsteen (only my favorite artist ever.) and Gregory Alan Isakov in concert(s)! So honestly, I'm a little overwhelmed by just how exciting music is right now. (It doesn't help that this month gave me my first album of the year candidate, too!!) This post will be my opportunity to go a little wild, then :)

1. Leopardos -- Ine Güemes

I should not enjoy this listening experience as much as I do. That whistling noise should annoy me by now, after all these listens, right? ... Right? Nope. I love it. This song is so soothing, it's literally the musical equivalent of a deep breath.

2. Appaloosa Bones -- Gregory Alan Isakov

Concert prep + THE sulking song this month. Look, I'm a guy who needs my daily floor time (floor time. perhaps you require it.), and it always involves considerable sulking. (At this rate, you're gonna see a sulking song on this list every single month. It's a tradition now!) I've been losing it about "Was I that gone? / Man, I hope not / Glad you found me when you did" and "The pages slow / in the room I called your name" and "They haven't made no pill / To get us across the winter time" ...

3. All Things End -- Hozier

You know what ended? My eight-week class. *sigh of relief* All things end, truly! Now I just need the reminder that this semester will end, too...

4. Death To My Hometown -- Bruce Springsteen

I'd never heard this one before, but I ASCENDED when I heard it live (the horns section was. fantastic.) and I left it on repeat all month post-concert.

5. The Ledge -- Fleetwood Mac

This song makes me proud of my music taste, honestly--see, I can like weird experimental stuff, too! It sounds wonderfully, comfortingly crowded--like the ambient noise from a nearby café, or like falling asleep with the TV on. I don't know, it's just a feeling I find myself really enjoying. I'm also SO deeply in love with the round-style singing (see: "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" rounds in middle school choir) Fleetwood Mac sometimes does (see: my obsession with "Paper Doll"), and they do it in this song !!

6. I Don't Want to Know -- Fleetwood Mac

I like this one for the same reason I like "Second Hand News"--that cheerful self-deprecation just never fails to draw me in. ("Second Hand News" is still better, though!)

7. Smart -- Le Sserafim

Does anyone NOT like this song? I missed the Eve Psyche hype train last year, so this one's hitting me doubly hard. I think the sweeter tone of "Smart" suits Le Sserafim's vocals much better, and the production is just plain adorable! This has been my go-to song during classes, when I need something to cheer me up without making me too overwhelmed.

8. Luz -- Ine Güemes

That vocal processing is SUCH a standout--so soft and hazy and fluffy, just a fascinating texture when you really focus on it, but endlessly pleasant when you leave it on loop and zone out, too. (Look, I REALLY loved this album this month.)

9. Nota de Voz -- Los Hermanos Laser

Classic indie boy music! I like "Azul Plateado" from this album, too, and I have a feeling the whole album will hit for me during the summer--I tend to like that exhausted-sounding alt-rock stuff a whole lot around July & August :)

10. Light Sprite -- Baby Pantera, Isabella Lovestory

Thanks for the rec, @pocima !!

11. I Am Right On Time -- Bleachers

This is a weirdly muted album for Bleachers (especially on the heels of "Stop Making This Hurt" and "How Dare You Want More" from their last album), and this is the most weirdly muted of them all--I really feel like it should be... more, somehow? But it's still quite a cathartic listening experience, and I keep coming back to it!

12. Really Like You -- Gyubin

I've started giving myself 30 minutes of reading time in the mornings, to help me wake up and not be completely miserable about it, so I've been reading a whole bunch of webtoons. (Hell, maybe I'll read a book one day!) This one's the perfect cutesy webtoon soundtrack, and I think it might be here because I left it on repeat while reading Blooming Season?? (I just finished catching up with Jackson's Diary, and I think I'm gonna start Death of a Pop Star next!) Anyway, Gyubin sounds lovely here, can't wait for a comeback!

13. Self Respect -- Bleachers

The production on this song is just SO exciting overall!! But I'm mostly here for the saxophone. God, it's not even that much of the song but it's gorgeous !!!

14. Nieve Sin Fin -- Ine Güemes

Nice aesthetic piano :)

15. Rush -- Twice

I love how dizzying this song is--it's chaotic and overwhelming in the most wonderful way! I was a little disappointed by it when I first listened to the album, I think because their vocals here are much softer than usual. When I let myself get swept away in the production, though, I totally get the appeal.

Five-Star Songs (& Albums!) This Month

BBB -- Purplekiss (the tiktok-music trend finally got me last year--against my will, admittedly. unfortunately for me, "bbb" is a fantastic example of that easy-listening, viral-tiktok sound from a group i'm already obsessed with, so of course i'm a huge fan. great vocal performances and silky songwriting? yeah, it's great--the muted aesthetic doesn't bug me at all--and i actually kind of love the super-short horn sections in the chorus. they're surprisingly full-sounding!)

Beam Beam -- Jeon Soyeon (i didn't get this one at all when it first came out, but i've warmed up to it over the years--and this month it just HIT. it's the perfect showcase of soyeon's energy, and it's such a rush!!)

Death To My Hometown -- Bruce Springsteen (five stars bc it has the words "robber barons" in it!!)

Girl I've Always Been -- Olivia Rodrigo (i keep underestimating olivia rodrigo's power as a performer. of course she could make this country-sounding track work. of course she could make it my favorite from the album in an instant. who am i to question??)

Hey Joe -- Bleachers (a sing-along for the politically disillusioned. happy 2024, fellow usamericans. well, at least the harmonies here are delightful!)

Jesus is Dead -- Bleachers (i mentioned that this album is unusually muted for bleachers--not dull as in 'boring in terms of production or songwriting', but dull as in dead-eyed and zombie-like. the vocal delivery, especially, is unusually bland and flat. "jesus is dead" is definitely the best use of this half-asleep, grayscale aesthetic on the album--a song as hopeless and monotone as its delivery. it's strange and stylish and messy, too, AND there's also a sax solo ?? and it works great ?? i admire it so so so much--i'm very surprised this didn't make the most-listened list, i've been looping it a whole bunch.)

The Ledge -- Fleetwood Mac

Self Respect -- Bleachers (re: saxophone.)

White Rabbit -- Jefferson Airplane (i don't think it's much of a hot take at all to say this one is fantastic. i heard it for the first time in february, and i've been completely obsessed since!!)

Heráldica -- Saramalacara (okay, i've had like. a week. with this album, but it was love at first listen--and "humo" already had my heart, anyway. the atmospherics are breathtaking, the production crisp and intense, and saramalacara's voice // the vocal production here fits SO well!! there's a song called ".tumblr" that's definitely worth checking out, though i enjoy every song on here !! except "_cuervos". i admire that one but god it disturbs me i never want to hear it again.)

Qué Nos Mantiene Despiertos -- Ine Güemes (first album of the year candidate of 2024 !!! not much of a surprise, i'm sure, given my top 15. more breathtaking atmospherics, but in the exact opposite direction of heráldica! this album is full of really unique textures, but all that chaos doesn't make it any less soothing. each song is distinct, but they all come together into this sweet, fluffy youtube-lofi-mix type of experience--and look, i'm a college student. could i ask for anything more in an album?)

[iamdangerace]

4 Albums Tag

Once upon a time, @ourladyofomega and @justmakesuresheeatsthemouse each posted 4 or 5 incredibly cool albums that they were listening to intensively during the weeks just prior to the time of their posts, which was, I am sorry to admit, quite some time ago. Then they tagged me to do the same. Thank you so much, both of you. Album tags are always fun, primarily because I got to listen to the music you selected, and you did not disappoint.

I prefer listening to LPs, Eps, singles with B Side songs over listening to song playlists. I think that in most cases albums of songs listened to as a whole best convey the artists’ expression of the complete story they want told. Listening to the individual songs is like reading a quotation from a book. It may be powerful, but it’s still being taken out of context.

At any given point in time, I listen most intensively to albums of which I recently acquired physical media. Here are 4 of the albums I acquired during the past few weeks:

Sonic Youth Live in Brooklyn, NY (2023)

This is the recording of the final live performance given by Sonic Youth in the U.S. after 30 some years of touring. It was played on an outdoor stage at the Williamsburg Waterfront in Brooklyn NY on August 12, 2011. Kim, Thurston, Lee and Steve (joined by Mark Ibold, of Pavement, on bass guitar) sound brilliant on this recording.

Super Heroines, Cry For Help (1982/ 2014)

Super Heroines was the punkerest of the deathrock bands formed in Los Angeles during the early 1980s. Cry For Help was their debut album. On this album, Super Heroines featured Sandra Ross on bass guitar; Del Mar Richardson on drums; with vocals and guitar by Eva Ortiz. Eva O. was also briefly one of the many guitarists to come and go from Christian Death and she contributed to their album: Only Theatre of Pain (1982). She was Rozz Williams’ wife from 1987 until shortly before he hanged himself in 1998. She is alleged to have been in a relationship with The Night Prowler, Richard Ramirez, before his arrest. Eva’s 4 decades + making goth rock earned her the title of L.A.’s Queen of Darkness, and she continues to earn that title today. Cry For Help is an embodiment of her dark energy and talent. Eva’s throaty vocals and searing guitarwork gives the album a very cool goth punk sound.

Magic Dirt, Girl (2008)

This is currently my favorite album by Australia’s seminal indie rock band from Geelong, Victoria. Magic Dirt is: Adalita (Srsen)(vocals/guitar), Dean Turner (bass guitar), Raul Sanchez i Jorge (guitar) and Adam Robertson (drums).

Mannequin Pussy, Gypsy Pervert (2014)

Hella talented. Zero fucks to give. I think the band’s name stands for “zero fucks to give.” On Gypsy Pervert, Mannequin Pussy is: Marisa Dabeast (vocals and guitar), Thanasi Paul (guitar) and Drew Adler (drums).

I’m going to take advantage of the precedent set by @ourladyofomega and add a bonus album: The Lion and the Cobra by Sinéad O'Connor (1987). Not something I just acquired. I acquired a number of copies decades ago. In fact, I was surprised to see that I have a cassette tape still in the factory wrap. I’ll have to give it as a gift to someone who I know will appreciate it. I also hadn’t listened to it much for a very long time until recently. Recently. I've listened to it very intensively.

I tag: @ellingerfarmer @bonnieprincegnarly @sage9991 @maldoror-est-mort @experimentv @thedown5 @sexcaprice @cchris47 @left-handed-leftist @cavegirl66 @myfriendgoo94 @quietquietlife @xenon2022 @hannahcheeks @itsmsstone

Look, I know many of you taggees tagged me for similar things and I haven’t responded yet. I know this because I kept the email notifications. In some cases, it was a very long time ago. I didn’t ignore them. I’ve been slowly working my way through a massive backlog of follow-backs and tags. Maybe tagging you now isn’t the appropriate thing to do, but I also know you all have extraordinarily good taste in music and would probably throw up some pretty cool album titles that I'd like to see and hear. And isn’t what I want really the important thing here?

Also anyone else who wants to play please do it. You can even dm me and I’ll edit you onto the list of the tagged and no one will be the wiser. Then Bob’s your uncle.

[delta-orionis]

Tuesday Again No Problem 4/16/24

This one counts for two weeks because I was traveling last week.

Listening

I've been on an 80's synth kick lately. I came across the albums Electronic-Universe, Pt. 1 and Electronic-Universe, Pt. 2 by Software, and they've been helping scratch my synth itch.

I'm definitely going to check out some more of their discography.

Watching

Well... I tried to watch the eclipse last week. I drove into the path of totality and everything, only for thick clouds to roll in the morning of the eclipse. This is the best picture I could get:

I was completely clouded out of totality, though. I'm pretty sad that I didn't get to see totality, but I did see other things: namely the Moon's shadow moving over the horizon, and reactions from the wildlife. It got noticeably colder and quieter, too.

I don't regret driving out to where I did, though. I was also visiting family at the time, and I'm glad I got to see them. If nothing else, it was a nice respite.

Playing

Playing a bit more Rain World. I've reached the point in my current playthrough where I kind of just aimlessly wander around until I get bored. I've basically done all of the story-relevant stuff I needed to do as Hunter, so I guess I need to start wandering my way down to Subterranean to beat the game.

Making

I'm almost done with my Looks to the Moon plushie, which I made as a companion for Five Pebbles. I just need to finish sewing a few things together and cleaning up the loose ends.

Once I'm satisfied with Moon I'll take pictures of her and Pebbles in better lighting so I can make a proper post for them.

Earlier this week I also asked people to send me questions about my iterator OC, Three Stars Above Clouds, so I could draw some responses. I've been mulling around a lot of worldbuilding for them in my head lately and I'll take any opportunity to talk about it.

I've only answered one ask so far, but I have a couple more sitting in my inbox that I'll get around to soon. I just happen to draw very slowly, haha.

--

That's all for this week, thank you for reading!

[kiki-de-la-petite-flaque]

Enjoy this beautiful letter from Fiona Apple explaining to her fans why she must postpone a concert date.

It's 6pm on Friday, and I'm writing to a few thousand friends I have not met yet. I'm writing to ask them to change our plans and meet a little while later.

Here's the thing.

I have a dog, Janet, and she's been ill for about 2 years now, as a tumor has been idling in her chest, growing ever so slowly. She's almost 14 years old now. I got her when she was 4 months old. I was 21 then — an adult, officially — and she was my kid.

She is a pitbull, and was found in Echo Park, with a rope around her neck, and bites all over her ears and face.

She was the one the dogfighters used to puff up the confidence of the contenders.

She's almost 14 and I've never seen her start a fight, bite, or even growl, so I can understand why they chose her for that awful role. She's a pacifist.

Janet has been the most consistent relationship of my adult life, and that is just a fact. We've lived in numerous houses and joined a few makeshift families, but it's always really been just the two of us.

She slept in bed with me, her head on the pillow, and she accepted my hysterical, tearful face into her chest, with her paws around me, every time I was heartbroken, or spirit-broken, or just lost, and as years went by, she let me take the role of her child, as I fell asleep, with her chin resting above my head.

She was under the piano when I wrote songs, barked any time I tried to record anything, and she was in the studio with me, all the time we recorded the last album.

The last time I came back from tour, she was spry as ever, and she's used to me being gone for a few weeks, every 6 or 7 years.

She has Addison's Disease, which makes it more dangerous for her to travel since she needs regular injections of Cortisol because she reacts to stress and excitement without the physiological tools that keep most of us from literally panicking to death.

Despite all this, she's effortlessly joyful & playful and only stopped acting like a puppy about 3 years ago. She is my best friend, my mother, my daughter, my benefactor, and she's the one who taught me what love is.

I can't come to South America. Not now. When I got back from the last leg of the US tour, there was a big, big difference.

She doesn't even want to go for walks anymore.

I know that she's not sad about aging or dying. Animals have a survival instinct, but a sense of mortality and vanity, they do not. That's why they are so much more present than people.

But I know she is coming close to the time when she will stop being a dog, and start instead to be part of everything. She'll be in the wind, and in the soil, and the snow, and in me, wherever I go.

I just can't leave her now, please understand. If I go away again, I'm afraid she'll die and I won't have the honor of singing her to sleep, of escorting her out.

Sometimes it takes me 20 minutes just to decide what socks to wear to bed.

But this decision is instant.

These are the choices we make, which define us. I will not be the woman who puts her career ahead of love & friendship.

I am the woman who stays home, baking Tilapia for my dearest, oldest friend. And helps her be comfortable & comforted & safe & important.

Many of us these days, dread the death of a loved one. It is the ugly truth of Life that keeps us feeling terrified & alone. I wish we could also appreciate the time that lies right beside the end of time. I know that I will feel the most overwhelming knowledge of her, of her life, and of my love for her, in the last moments.

I need to do my damnedest, to be there for that.

Because it will be the most beautiful, the most intense, the most enriching experience of life I've ever known.

When she dies.

So I am staying home, and I am listening to her snore and wheeze, and I am reveling in the swampiest, most awful breath that ever emanated from an angel. And I'm asking for your blessing.

I'll be seeing you.

Love,

Fiona

[skysometric]

you went on a big asking spree asking about everyone's favorite games, but I'm curious... did you have a favorite album, TV show, or movie this year?

an EXCELLENT question! but my answers my be a little disappointing, because...

Favorite Movie of 2023

i don't... really watch movies? they don't capture my interest or investment like games do. this isn't for lack of trying over the years, i've been exposed to many different genres; i just don't click with the format, i guess. i think of them like the average boomer thinks of games – they're cute little distractions and not much else.

there's definitely a few movies that i like and stand out as formative memories, i just don't go out of my way to watch more. even before the pandemic i would only ever go to the theaters like once a year, and for most of the pandemic i can't say i watched anything even digitally.

...but that did change this year! my partner and i watched both Sonic movies and the Mario movie at home, and of the three i can safely say i enjoyed Sonic 2 the most! i like what it was trying to do with its two stories intertwined, and it gave Sonic and friends a lot of time to shine both in action and characterization. plus the finale was super cool~

i do have a handful of films i want to watch one day... but it's kind of a "whenever i feel like it" basis. the ghibli films are high on the list, as are the monty python films and the truman show. maybe i could revisit ferris bueller's day off now that i'm an adult...?

Favorite TV Show of 2023

...i also don't really watch tv?? am i boring???

i mean, historically, i've gotten more into tv than movies. i like the long continuous plot threads, i like getting to know characters in detail, i like slice of life and comedy and cartoons. i have fond memories of watching sonic x, spongebob, survivor, and mythbusters growing up!

but like, as an adult i've never seen the office, or steven universe, or adventure time... and i'm in no rush to, they're just not really priority for me. i can't even think of other shows i might want to watch. idk!

i tried to watch some anime at one point but that didn't really do me either? i guess i had some fun watching squid girl a few years back... i think i just get understimulated by just watching things, vs playing them.

confusingly, you know what i do get into? livestreams and let's plays. so my weird, cop-out answer of "favorite series" is that i've been really enjoying Chuggaaconroy's let's play of pokemon bw2. his let's plays have gotten me caught up with a series that i wasn't "allowed" to play as a kid... i guess that's part of why watching someone play a game isn't as understimulating to me?

Favorite Album of 2023

you can probably guess where this is going – i don't really listen to music that plays on the radio or gets recommended by spotify. i have good reason for this one though: music with lyrics is overstimulating to me in specific circumstances, like when i'm working (always) or driving (the only time i'd use the radio).

but wait, movies are understimulating, even though there's talking... and music with lyrics is overstimulating, even though there's nothing to watch... argh! i don't even understand myself!!

either way i usually put on video game music, because that helps me focus at work, and (usually) doesn't have lyrics in it. i'm aware there's plenty of great instrumental music outside of just games, but games already have so much variety and quality to their osts – i've rarely ever had to seek out more! my music collection is already big enough!

my favorite album to listen to this year has been the music that plays in the cyberspace stages of Sonic Frontiers. the full game's ost is MASSIVE and incredibly diverse in styles, but the hardcore EDM of the cyberspace stages is extremely my style. and the remixes they added in the dlc are some of the best ones! been listening to the full playlist multiple times a week all year to power through some rough work days, and it still hasn't gotten old 💖