#hmm. hmm! i hate myself (and i hate living here ♡)

[depresseddepot]

so like. after i realized i had adhd it felt like my adhd got worse bc i was seeing symptoms everywhere, but it was really just bc i was paying full attention to it for the first time. now that i know i have autism too, it's doing the same thing, where i feel like its getting worse and harder to manage so i'm going to have to get really good at acting really quickly or i'm going to have to figure out how to not have a mental breakdown when my masking isn't working like it's supposed to

[leilani-lily]

~Oh Deer~ (Chapter 4)

Should I have divided this chapter up into two parts? Yes. Am I going to? no~ ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ I promise not all chapters are going to be this long. I just... kept typing ◉‿◉ Anyways hope you enjoy! ( ˘͈ ᵕ ˘͈♡) SYNOPSIS: AroAce! Alastor x Chef!Singer! Reader. Finally admitting you're a fan of his show, Alastor invites you up to his radio tower. Shenanigans ensue as your bond grows. Word Count: 4.1 K Chapter under the cut! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

You honestly hadn’t expected your morning coffee with Alastor to become routine, yet the Radio Demon always seemed to pop in right on time; mug in hand and grin on his face. You weren’t complaining though, it was nice to have company while the rest of the hotel was fast asleep. Plus you felt a little flattered that a demon apparently so powerful and well known seemingly wanted to spend time with you. Sometimes Alastor would even stay as you would begin cooking breakfast, either continuing to chat happily or just sit in peaceful silence. He would watch you cook, sipping his coffee as the radio played softly in the background. As much as you hated the early mornings, you were slowly finding they were becoming your favourite part of the day. 

You’d chat about various things; music, food, likes and dislikes. Sometimes you’d even gossip about the shenanigans that happened at the hotel. You couldn’t help but giggle at the way his eyes would light up and grin widened when you brought up another guest at the hotel. The amount of sass and zero fucks this lanky demon posessed had entertained you more than you wanted to admit. Alastor was quite the gossiper, which you never would have guessed. But given his radio broadcasts were him ‘spilling the tea’ on the going’s on in Hell, it honestly made sense.

“Oh Alastor, I forgot to mention,” you began, your back turned to him as you busily whisked some eggs for today’s omelet, “I really enjoyed your program the other day in particular; your views on the Vee’s ‘love potion’ was really interesting.” 

Unbeknownst to you, Alastor perked up from his cup, his eye’s blinking in surprise. “Y/n dearest,” he paused, tilting his head, “do you mean to tell me that you listen to my show?” 

You felt your cheeks go red with embarrassment, not daring to turn around to look at him. You had meant to tell him when you first realized who he was, but it was honestly humiliating to admit. Before you had even begun to work for the hotel, you had been a fan of Alastor’s radio show. You often listened to it in the background on your trusty CD machine back when you lived alone. It was a nice way to fill the silence, plus you found his views and stories compelling. You could feel the tall demon’s eyes burning into the back of your head, the silence deafening. 

“Y-yeah actually, I do.” You stammered, still not facing him, “I’ve tuned in for a couple years now, and-!”

“Why y/n my dear~!”

His voice sounded chillingly closer, making you turn around in confusion. Sure enough Alastor was towering over you, only a mere inches away from you as he smiled brightly. You nearly dropped your bowl of eggs in shock, Alastor paying you no mind as he leaned in closer.

“Now why wouldn’t you tell me this sooner? Something this important should have been mentioned earlier!”

Clutching your poor racing heart, you put your bowl and whisk down and take a moment to look up at the demon before you. His smile was ear to ear and eye’s dancing as he looked at you. He actually looked almost giddy at the news. It helped to ease your nerves in admitting the truth.

“Well, I wanted to!” you chuckled, eyes looking away from him, now nervous due to the proximity of the demon, “But I didn’t want you to think I was some stalker or creep when I first got here, so I kept it to myself!” 

Alastor’s grin shifted into a closed smile, leaning away from you and looking off to the distance. “Hmm yes I can see your point. As much as I love meeting a fan, sometimes they can be rather… assertive, given the realm in which we live in.” His eye twitched in annoyance for a moment before his gaze flitted back to you.

“Nevertheless~!” He declared, his previous excitement coming back, “This is still information I wished I had known sooner! No one else at this establishment has expressed such interest, so it’s rather refreshing to have a confidante intrigued in such matters.” His eyes suddenly widened, and his grin slowly began to creep up further on his face. Without warning, he quickly began to walk away, heading towards the door. You watch him start to leave, confused but his sudden desire to depart. 

“As you know, my next broadcast will be at 9 am sharp. When you are finished with your duties, you simply must come up to my radio tower.” 

You felt yourself straighten up in surprise, eyes widening in disbelief. No way. Was he serious?? Your fingers twitched in excitement, not wanting to get your hopes up but secretly dying to go. 

“Are… Are you sure? I mean, I don’t want to intrude or anything-!”

Alastor flicked a hand up, silencing you immediately. As he approached the door frame, he turned his body to look back at you, half lidded and smiling mischievously. “I expect to see you outside my room at 8:30. Don’t.” his eyes flashed, smile tightening for a moment, “Be late.” And before you could say another word, his body sinked into the shadows and scurried off, leaving you alone and stunned. 

You had whisked through breakfast quickly that morning, your excitement barely containable. You felt a little starstruck; Alastor had invited you to his studio. And he was going to let you listen to his broadcast in person! Your brain raced with questions about how it all worked, what it looked like, how he chose his topics. Before you knew it, time had flown by and you were standing in front of Alastor’s door, heart pumping and practically bouncing from foot to foot. With a quick breath, you give a knock.

It wasn’t long before Alastor opened up, his eyes looking at a pocket-watch in his hand before they slid to look at you. His eyebrows raised up slightly in amusement. 

“8:29. I’m impressed~” He grinned, his fingers snapping the watch closed before tucking it away in his jacket. You gave a small nod of acknowledgement, pleased with his approval. Without another word, he turned and walked back into his room, the door swinging open further as a silent invitation. After some hesitation, you followed suit, letting your eyes wander as you inspected his livingspace. 

The furnishings looked just how you expected. Deep mahogany wood with golden accents, a bookshelf filled with multiple tomes, and a desk scattered with paperwork. There was a beautiful marble fireplace glowing an eerie green hue with two velvet chairs in front, and various candles helpt to light the room. There was a beautiful vintage canopy bed with dark red curtains and very soft looking blankets. You were intrigued by the various skeletal decorations of various animals; antlers, skulls, and even the full anatomy of an alligator. 

But honestly, what had caught your attention the most was the magical glow of the bayou that seemed to just expand from nowhere. His room opened up to this expanse of wetlands that seemed to just go on forever. The soft chirping of crickets could be heard in the distance, as well as the bellow of the occasional toad. You stepped from the hardwood into soft dewy grass, your breath hitching in wonder as fireflies flickered by. You reached out a hand as one softly fluttered to your fingers, a soft laugh escaping your lips as it landed and tickled your skin.

“Mesmerizing, isn’t it~?” Alastor stepped up from behind to stand beside you. Your head turned to him as he looked out at the marsh, a fond expression on his face. “Certainly a peaceful sanctuary to escape to when one grows tired of the chaos that is the city.”

“It’s incredible,” you breathed, watching the firefly on your hand eventually takeoff and soar out of sight. You had never felt so at ease in all your years in Hell. It almost made you a little weepy, the gentle reminder of what nature was like before you dropped down to Hell. You didn’t even realize you were walking further into the wetlands until you felt a hand on your shoulder, stopping you from continuing forward.

“Now now y/n,” Alastor’s voice pulled you back to reality as you turned back to him. He cocked an eyebrow in amusement. “Another time, my dear. I’ve got a radio show to run; we mustn't be late.” You felt your heart sink in disappointment, but you knew he was right. Besides, you still really want to see where he worked, despite being enchanted by this mysterious wetland. Looking out at the magical bayou one last time, you walk back with Alastor into his actual room.

The Radio Demon walked up to a closed door to the right and prepared to open it for you like the gentleman that he is. As you stood before the entrance, you could feel yourself getting excited over what was on the other side. What did it look like? What sort of equipment did he use? How many other demons have seen his workspace? The excitement was almost unbearable as he swung the door open, your bright hopeful eyes suddenly widening in fear as a gust of wind hit your face.

You looked out to the expanse of Hell, a thin rusty bridge leading from the outside of the building to his tower. As the wind bellowed, you could hear the creaking of metal as the tower gripped rather precariously to the side of the hotel. Your eyes dared to peek down, feeling your knees begin to quake at the height of which the drop was if you were to fall. You remained frozen in place as Alastor stepped in front of you, walking along the narrow path without a care in the world. As he approached the ladder at the end, he turned back to you and tilted his head to the side, as if confused by your hesitation.

“Alastor,” you stammer, your hands gripping the edge of the doorway, “I would rather sell my soul for a corn chip than walk out on this sad excuse of a bridge.” The tall demon raised an eyebrow at you mischievously.

“Don’t tempt me y/n dearest.” he smirked, his neck almost snapping as his eyes flashed red for a moment. You ignored his threat, too distracted by the fear gripping your heart as you looked down. Alastor watched you amusingly for a moment before finally rolling his eyes and walking back towards you. He shook his head and tutted to himself, as if dealing with a child.

“Come now, we mustn't dawdle,” he chirped, reaching a hand out for you and finally making you lock eyes with him. Though you knew he sounded condescending, there was a certain gentleness in his smile as he bent down lower, his hooded eyes not at all holding any malice. It was odd; you knew what atrocities this demon was capable of doing, yet in this moment, you felt like you could really trust him to keep you safe. After what felt like hours, your own shaky hand finally reached out and gently fell in his outstretched palm.

His hand tight around your own, he began to walk backwards and guided you forward. Your legs took small trembly steps as your other hand gripped the rails like a vice. You felt like you wanted to puke when you approached the halfway point, but Alastors grip on you was strong and secure, and helped to ease your fears. You were grateful that he never turned his back to you, continuing to step backwards as his eyes remained locked on yours; it helped you to focus on him and not look down. You knew he could’ve done many things to upset you; teased you, tricked you, edged you on. But he was surprisingly tender the whole way, and your heart warmed for a moment. His mother did an excellent job raising such a refined man. 

Finally reaching the other side, you let go of his hand and practically threw yourself at the ladder Alastor chuckled at your dramatics as you took deep calming breaths. Finally settling your racing heart, you look up at the lookout above and begin to climb. You managed to hoist yourself up through the hatch, standing up straight and finally getting a good look at the workspace.

The tower had windows all around, giving you a magnificent view of Hell. There was a huge heavy desk in front of you filled with various equipment; turntables, microphones, wires, and a giant control panel at the center of it all. It was filled with various switches and dials and flashing lights, all seemingly able to control different things. There was a single large chair in front of the desk, as well as a round side table with a simple lamp and a tray of whiskey and cups. Vines hung from the top of the ceiling while cattails seemed to grow from the floorboards. 

“Welcome to where the magic happens!” Alastor cheered behind you, stepping forward and gesturing to the space. “I made it very clear to Miss Morningstar that if I were to help at the hotel, I would require a private space to conduct my work.” 

“The foundation is… unsettling.” you remark, knocking on the glass panel beside you as the tower groaned in the wind. Alastor quirked an eyebrow in amusement. 

“But I’ll admit, the view is fantastic.” You sighed approvingly, staring out and watching the city bustle below, red skies dusted with soft clouds. You never thought you’d admit this, but Hell had a certain beauty to it. You admire the landscape for a while longer before turning back, realizing Alastor had been watching you the whole time. He spoke up before you could think anything of it.

“Well my dear, I do believe it’s almost time for the broadcast to start,” he immediately turned to go sit in his chair, waving a hand in the air as his microphone appeared. “I suggest you get comfortable.” With a snap of his fingers, a velvety red armchair poofed beside you near the small side table. You smiled at his thoughtfulness, realizing there weren’t many places to sit otherwise. You settled down into the soft chair, your heart beginning to race in excitement. 

“And in case it isn’t obvious,” he continued, “I would advise you to remain quiet while I’m on the air. Can’t have any outside noises interfering with the audio now can we~?” He turned back to you for confirmation, a serious and almost threatening look crossing his face. You give an excited nod, pursing your lips tightly together and not realizing your body was swaying side to side eagerly. Alastor’s expression softened ever so slightly.

“Good girl~” he praised, turning back to the desk and flicking some switches, preparing the transmission. Alastor paused for a moment, quickly clearing his throat before pressing a final button. A bright red light on the console flickered on, and before you knew it, Alastor began to speak.

“Salutations my wayward souls, and welcome back to the show!” He smiled, speaking so eloquently into the microphone. “Today’s broadcast is an extra special one as one of my good friends is here with me. And in honor of that, I’ve decided to dedicate this particular topic just for her~!”

You felt your heart melt with warmth at his words. He considered you a good friend? AND he was dedicating this show to you?? You almost wanted to weep, you were so touched. You were practically on the edge of your seat, ready to hear what today’s focus would be.

“So, without further ado~” Alastor teased, turning his body so you could see his profile. He looked at you and you waited with baited breath. 

“This segment is called ‘Cooking with Cannibals! How to Properly Mince a Man to Avoid Choking~!”

…………….

This.

Fucking.

Asshole.

Alastor watched you giddily as your smile slowly fell into an angry pout, his own mouth rising into a shit-eating grin. You had never seen him so gleeful until this very moment. You were about to yell at him when his free hand rose, pressing his index finger against his teeth in a shushing motion. Your eyes flickered from the red beacon flashing, then back to him, his grin growing even wider, if possible. 

Oh mother-fucker.

You slouched into your chair, sulking and shooting him daggers as you flipped him off. Alastor’s face wrinkled in pure delight as he turned back in his chair, continuing the show as if nothing had happened.

The shithead continued to talk for half an hour about different chopping techniques, which parts of the body had the most bones and what to avoid, and even went over how to perform the ‘Heimlich maneuver’ in case choking was inevitable. As furious as you were, you had to admit, it was a little funny. Plus, you couldn’t sulk for long as you watched him work. His voice was so soothing; the rhythm in which he spoke had a certain pattern that captured you. He also spoke with such ease and confidence, it was hard not to marvel at how he could speak to millions of listeners and not even break a sweat. You had to hold back a laugh at the way he gestured while talking, subconsciously acting to the audience even though they couldn’t see him.

You could tell the Radio Demon was wrapping up, giving his final thoughts and farewells before he finally reached over and pressed the button again. The red light stopped flickering, and the room fell silent as Alastor sat for a moment, back facing you. Finally, he swiveled the chair around and focused on you, smiling proudly and crossing his legs.

“So my dear!” he beamed, his eyes calculating as he looked at you, “What did you think~?” Your eyes squinted into thin lines.

“You’re a real prick, you know that right?”

Alastor immediately bent over in laughter, shoulders shaking with joy as his laughter track played in the background. You continued to glare at him, arms crossed as he reveled in the fun. He rotated from trying to recover, to looking up at your pissy face, to snorting again and laughing even harder. The more he laughed, the more you had to bite back your own smile. Finally, the tall demon managed to catch his breath and straightened his back.

“Ohhh my dear,” he chuckled, wiping a stray tear from his eye, “You honestly cannot blame me; you make it too easy to tease you.” He leaned in closer to you, eyes practically dancing in delight. You stare at him a moment longer before finally cracking a smile and shaking your head. 

And this is why you didn’t tell people how you died.

“Ok, well, despite being completely roasted for about half an hour,” you sneered; Alastor cast you a wicked grin, “it honestly was a good show. Your segment’s flowed really well together, the jokes you threw in were witty, and it was obvious you had done your research.” You looked up to him and smiled warmly. “I really enjoyed watching you work, Alastor.” 

Alastors face didn’t waver as he looked at you, his eyes scanning you in thought. For a moment you couldn’t tell what was running through the demon's brain. But then, one of his ears flicked ever so slightly, and in a moment you knew. You had come to realize that was something he did when he was secretly happy, but didn’t want anyone to know. You had to physically stop your grin from widening at his reaction, you would never dare reveal the little quirk to him. He leaned back in his chair and hummed, playing off his secret pride. 

“Well, I’m glad to hear it was to your liking,” he mused, his eyes soft as he looked at you. There was a gentle pause as you both watched each other before his eyes widened in delight, an idea popping into his head. Immediately, the lanky demon stood up and extended a hand to you. 

“Come! Let me show you how everything works.”

For the next couple minutes, Alastor presented all his equipment to you, explaining what each thing did and how it worked. You ‘oohed’ and ‘ahhed’ as if it was show-and-tell, asking many questions and showing genuine interest. He was quite pleased to answer, clearly happy to boast and prove how smart he was. As time ticked on, you realized that you had to get back to the kitchen to start making lunch, and Alastor gave a nod of acknowledgement. With a snap of his fingers, you had both transported back into the kitchen.

“WAIT!” you gasped, looking to him in horror as you realized where you were. “Are you telling me you could have ‘poofed’ us into the tower and I DIDN’T have to risk my life on that sketchy-ass bridge?!”

Alastor looked at you a moment before his lips curled up into a mischievous grin.

“ALASTOR!!” you roared, a laugh escaping your throat as you looked up at him in disbelief. The Radio Demon couldn’t help it as he snickered. He had got you. Again. All you could do was stare at him dumbly, not sure whether to be angry or ashamed or even impressed. 

“Ohohooo~ I suppose that’s enough teasing for one day.” Alastor sighed, straightening out his jacket and tie. “Don’t you worry my dear, the next time you come up I’ll be sure to teleport you straight into the tower. No more high wire acts~”

Wait… did you hear him correctly?

“ ‘Next time’… ?” you echoed, not wanting to sound too hopeful. Alastor finally looked at you and blinked, giving you an obvious look.

“For my next broadcast! I figure if you’re listening anyways, you might as well hear it right from the source~!” he proclaimed, saying it matter-of-factly. Your eyes widened at the offer.

“Do… do you really mean that?” You couldn’t help it, it was too good of an offer. And for free at that. You knew it was rare for the Radio Demon to offer something without anything in return. Now it was Alastors turn to give you a confused look, tilting his head at you as if there was any doubt. 

“My dear,” he began, his arms crossed behind his back and turning to face you fully, “I insist~! I’ll admit, I would be lying to myself if I said I didn’t enjoy your company today; having you around was thoroughly entertaining.” the demon wore his shit eating grin as he reminisced all the funny moments. But the way he looked at you, you could tell there was a hint of sincerity in his words, even if he expressed it in an insouciant way.

“Besides,” Alastor continued, “Since you’ve been a fan for so long, it might be nice to get a listener's perspective on how to make my segments even better. A fresh perspective from someone I can trust.” his eyes held your gaze, making you feel as if he was looking straight into your soul. 

You knew he was trying to sound logical and strategic, but his true intentions were peeking through. He really did seem to actually like you, despite all his razzing. And you had to admit, this morning had been so much fun; even with the teasing that came with it. If being friends with Alastor meant a little prodding along the way, then it was well worth it for the excitement and joy he brought into your previously boring life. You took a breath and smiled at him, eyes crinkling in delight.

“Thank you Alastor, I’d love to sit in again with you, work permitting that is,” You smile sheepishly and gesture to the kitchen, realizing you still had a job to do and couldn’t spend all your time with him. But that was enough to satisfy the Radio Demon. With a content grin, Alastor suddenly took one of your hands and bowed at his waist, his eyes never leaving yours.

“I look forward to it dearest~”

Your heart lurched as he closed his eyes and lifted your hand up, pressing the back of it to his forehead. You could almost feel a soft burning against your skin from the spot in which the X marked his temple. Knowing that was a very sensitive spot for him, this somehow felt very intimate. You knew he was just being a gentleman, but still, you couldn’t help the flush growing on your cheeks. His grip on you tightened a moment before he finally pulled away, letting your fingers slip away from his before stepping back. Giving you one last look, the Radio Demon turned around and glided out of the kitchen.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Imma take a couple day's break cause hoo wee that was a lot. ε-(´・｀) But thank you for reading thus-far! Please feel free to reblog and comment below; your words help to fuel me ( ≖‿ ≖ )

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[loosiap]

sims tag game

Thank you for tagging me @letomills ♡♡♡ It’s really kind of you to think about me (˶ > ᴗ < ) It’s sims tag game so I’m posting it on this blog instead of my messy main I hope it’s ok with you, I enjoyed reading your answers to this 

1. What’s your favourite sims death?

I’m a big fan of cowplant!

2. Alpha CC or Maxis Match?

Maxis mix leaning strongly towards MM

3. Do you cheat when your sims gain weight?

Hmm maybe when I was a kid? I remember not liking my male sims to be “fat” as I did not wanted them to have beer belly like my dad and I would force them to exercise if I noticed them doing this gain weight animation lmao

4. Do you use move objects?

Always!

5. Favorite mod?

I’d say Community Skilling is the most important mod to me. I hate that sims can’t gain skills on community lots in ts2 with a passion! xD

6. First expansion/game/stuff pack you got?

My first and the only sims game I had as a kid is sims 2 and I got it from my uncle as a christmas present along with Happy Holiday SP

7. Do you pronounce “live mode” like aLIVE or LIVing

Both? My pronunciation is all over the place lol

8. Who’s your favorite sim that you’ve made?

But I love all of my simmies! But Barbara, she’s awful! She killed her husband with her selfishness by forcing him to overwork himself and then when his siblings helped her to resurrect him she cheated on him! As a family sim! ugh

9. Have you made a simself?

It never even occured to me to do such a thing

10. What sim traits do you give yourself?

absent minded, brooding, shy, loser, clumsy (I’m not fimiliar with traits as I never played ts3 so I’m guessing here lol); in ts4 i’d choose maybe socially awkward, loyal, geek?

11. Which is your favorite EA hair color?

12. Favorite EA hair?

13. Favorite life stage?

All but babies

14. Are you a builder or are you in it for the gameplay?

I like to do both in ts2! In ts4 I only enjoy building

15. Are you a CC creator?

I don’t think I can call myself that haha

16. Do you have any simblr friends/a sim squad?

Oh I’m too anxious to befriend people I always feel like a nuisance ( 〃．．) But! for the past year since I'm here almost everyone who interacted with me was nothing but nice and patient with me, thank you 💕

17. What’s your favorite game? (1, 2, 3, or 4)

2! But I never played 1 or 3

18. Do you have any sims merch?

None

19. Do you have a YouTube for sims?

Nope

20. How has your “sim style” changed throughout your years of playing?

As a kid I always made crazy sims and I would mostly play in my own hoods now I’m more boring player who makes more realistic sims and play in maxis hoods

21. What’s your Origin ID?

I can’t remember lol but I don’t post anything on the gallery so it’s not important

22. Who’s your favorite CC creator?

This question is too difficult!

23. How long have you had a simblr?

May 2022 so a bit over a year

24. How do you edit your pictures?

As anyone can tell at first glance I don’t do much haha

25. What expansion/game/stuff pack do you want next?

I don’t play ts4 enough to know what I need hmm... Maybe I’d like ea to just stop breaking this game futher so I could download bunch of mods without them breaking? lmao

26. What expansion/game/stuff pack is your favorite so far?

OFB! I never had it as a kid and I enjoy it a lot now! Making buisnesses for my sims is fun

Tagging: @elvisgrace, @xwhitepolar​, @/you idk anymore if and who I can tag ;;; sorry if me tagging anyone in previous post of this kind was annoying, if I tagged you in another post of this kind feel being tagged by me here too if you like, I’ll be happy to read your answers!

[dootdootwriting]

Hullo! Came across your valentine event while scrolling the genshin tag and thought I'd drop by! Matchup events are always fun :)

I prefer guys and masculine leaning non binary folks. My pronouns are she/aer/xem, and am an Aries.

I'm not the best at social interaction, at least not conventionally (like small talk). I have social anxiety, but it's been little to none lately! When I'm comfortable, I'm pretty sociable. If I'm in a goofy mood, I can get chaotic and mischievous instead of my usual chill self. Speaking of chill, I'm known as the 'chill one' by most people. Which I'd say is true, I'm chill with pretty much everything. My interests vary widely, I can find most things interesting! I'm as curious as a cat, hehe. I love cats so much btw, and seafood. I enjoy exploring alot too. I think I'm pretty perceptive, taking my time when analysing things. Mix that with a bit of perfectionism and I take forever to do some tasks 🥲.

I was on a roll describing myself but got distracted by my cat, now my brain is blank...

Hmm, I try to be aware of others feelings as best I can. I try to be understanding aswell. My memory can be pretty bad too, occasionally forgetting something I just said. I also feel strongly on living beings being treated with at least basic decency. I could go on a big rant on how animals have their own version of thoughts and feelings, which also extends to non-human sapient creatures (like possible future ai). I really hate feeling angry, makes me feel sick and in pain physically. When I do get angry, which is rare, I'm either overwhelmed/stimulated, or upset about something like what I mentioned prior. And I'm atheist, I kinda want to punch a god, but one that deserves it. Like Ei, maybe even Zhongli... definitely Celestia, I'll fist fight them whether I could win/survive or not. I definitely would have tried punching god!scara in the mech.

Hope that wasn't too much... Have a nice day/night and thank you for this event!

hello and welcome in! you're so right btw i would love to fistfight ei or zhongli.... problem is they're both my babygirls. 😤 in any case, here's your matchup.

i match you up with kaeya!

♡ oh, good, you're like a cat! so is he. when he's with you, kaeya is even somewhat clingy - demanding of affection when you're in the middle of doing something. and when you're done, suddenly he's not in the mood anymore... well, okay. maybe for a few kisses. kaeya isn't someone who has a reliable routine outside of his work, though. he likes to go exploring with you, finding puzzles out in the wilderness of mondstadt to solve with you. and when you bend down to pet a stray animal laying around the city, he doesn't even mind... much! he'll gaze at you with a slightly bemused sort of smile. ♡ he's also the same way when it comes to negative emotions: he doesn't like them. before you, he would drown them out in alcohol or just plain sleep, or by burying himself in projects he would start but never finish. nowadays though. if he's feeling down, he'll come over to you and give you a gentle poke, choosing instead to drown his sadness in soft arms and kisses. ♡ kaeya is also good at the flip side - anything you forget he'll kindly remind you of, and if you get overwhelmed, you can always count on him for a shoulder to lean on or a gentle hand to lead you away from whatever is bothering you.

♡ kaeya isn't a huge believer in valentine's day. he doesn't dislike it necessarily - he's just never had a real reason to celebrate it. his mood toward the holiday depends entirely on yours. if you want to lay low and just hang out for the day, he'll do that. if you want to spoil him, he'll let you! and if you want to be spoiled, you can bet your ass he's buying the two of you some of the best wine the angel's share has to offer.

[theorist-influencer-untitled]

2.27.23 Monday

9:35 am

Rainy days and Monday's always get me down???

Done,cooking... But I still wanna leave the hometown... Later,I'm gonna explain my analyzation for 16 years since 2007...

Sinigang♡♡♡♡

Chicken Tinola ♡♡♡

My main point angels... I have fear if the mystery lover's will be here living at the side and it is really happening now....The squatter life but a smasher squatter...

I wonder who are the people, who organized since 2007 to stop my growth and who are those jealous people who wanted to change and smash me as if I wasn't spoiled...

Being spoiled is not bad at all... It is always it depends on the family unity and what was or what is the reason and sometimes having spoiled means a family is able to produce...

But me being spoiled coz there are group who wanted to use me and I let them but it doesn't mean that they will take away my individual rights to be independent and mature being...

But on the case of Uno the undergraduate son of George will be put on a high pedestal by the Mystery Lover's ( Uncle DD & Aunt Karen ) who have the link on something to lift up people but when it comes to me, sometimes I feel that they have this invisible agenda to not let me go up or for me not to be successful...

My point why Uno will be the next big daddy or will be the next big thing in our clan...

Clan means a combination of 2 to 10 families...

Tribe a combination group of more than 10 families....

Meaning these are solid group supposed to be of my family but wrong ranking they created... I opposed to that kind of decision making...

The main problem here in De Ocampo, Uncle DD made a decision from the past years the our Kate Middleton would be my half-sister Burger who is an undergraduate like him or them??? That Burger or Azelai was nearly on taking over this main house of my adoptive parent's... That Burger will buy this house and renovate and they will become the main people here in the cute,old ranch house of my adoptive parent's...

I was really,really in pain from the years...That where am I? Who am I in this family?

On my biological mother, still the same she lifted-up my half-sister's but just like them an undergraduate...

Someone always took my seat and I lost mine... To the point that, I almost forgot myself...

Someone said that if Uncle DD and Aunt Karen will start living there, Aunt Karen will bring her 2 children...That will be the start of them smashing me here and I heard their group are having the same car like them... That if people will know me,they can't do their bad agenda on me.... Coz their providence-effect is just an effect but not enough, angels...

I don't feel them coz they just wanted to appear that they have a car and they are much more able in life than me a real college graduate...

To the point that I lost a social life....Other people took advantage of that situation and my ugly family situation, that I was and still on the center of embarrassment... I'm inside of a crumpled wrapper. It makes me sad and giving me complexities in life...

11:36 am

1 chopping board missing... Hmm.....Was it Uncle DD this time?

1:32 pm

What is the plan of Uncle DD? What was their movement since 2007...

This Uncle Jun is forever observer... He is just here in the house watching movies...

I still have the windblow and I feel bitter....Totally unfair for me since 2007... Waiting for what?

I hate it when my past linked with my friends that I didn't even know... I want some respect!!!

I wanna have a career...

1:44 pm

Theory:

So many fake relatives...So many fake friends....Fake people who are claiming to be my follower or my friend but behind of everything they just controlled my life unfairly since 2007...

Paul is fake, so many Paul in the world... One is a church of christ member who made a pact with a star from TV....My life and my dignity and pride as a college graduate they just tried to remove it for them to appear matured than me.... They wanted to make themselves believed that I was still a child with no maturity, they always wanted that way those unfair people... Paul and some ministers dragged these stars and this particular star who made a pact with Paul....I couldn't just believed that even your churchmates, even if you were an original choir member of that church they can forget it because of money and for their own personal agenda. Dragging those stars here...

4:02 pm

Uncle Jun went to baranggay asked for 5 pesoses but I gave 10.... I told that's enough for now coz I need to buy coffee...

I don't have enough money for now...

8:43 pm

Hmm... Ateh Cha doesn't want me to have credit on them....Well, I feel hurt coz I paid my creditz on her... But she refused to let me borrow a coffee...Not a real follower or supporter... But I still considered her a friend in a way...

But something on her youngest daughter and Jean ( eldest daughter of Ateh Cha ) coz whenever I buy, I think they texted Uncle Jun and DD...

I heard Ate Cha's group was the one having a link in Lacub Village and linking with Ms Enaoj R-None.... Very intriguing behaviour... Reporting to each other linking to scoop on my coins...

I need money and I need a job...

Who got the links angels? I feel hurt for 16 years they made me stupid...

8:55 pm

Theory:

I therefore conclude;:;

I can't go up angels this is for 16 years....Uncle DD and Aunt Karen I don't feel them if everything is just just just... Coz someone just told me that they were/ are part of some weird movement against me... One of the reasons I can't get a stable job... There were people always at my back that always controlling my life since 2007... I wanna kill that man,whoever he is... I lost my xfactor, I lost my charm on getting good friends.

Can't even support me on my needs on coffee, on my lotions, on my gluta shots...

Uncle Jun main thing,he needs a payment for doing things here... But he is really focus on Neko coz that is the dog of Uncle DD... Recently, I care for Neko coz she was impregnated and having children made by my baby John... I know it is tiring to feed Neko and clean her cage....But as family we need to move as family...Me? I cook these days that I didn't usually do... I clean and I'm also tired everyday plus taking care of my baby John... That's why in a way Uncle Jun is supporting Uncle DD and Aunt Karen for some money that he can get from them.... In a way,their personal movement...

Me? I have sciatica,I don't have enough fundings for the actual therapy but having Elsie is also applicable her ways of doing her massage therapy... I feel the pain on my pelvic, sometimes my entire left body is really in pain... This is 1 year and 3 months now... My main point Uncle DD and Aunt Karen,they don't have the mind of a matured guardian that these things should or must take seriously...

Somebody just told me Peachy you can't go up coz there are people that are following you and stopping your growth... Somebody told me they are in group, some are owning a black car just like the car of Uncle DD and Aunt Karen...

I feel bitterish...They made a movement why they can't ask a permission from me....If I'm ohkay, if it is ohkay?

Some said my biological mother told other people that they don't need me... I was shocked... And I answered huh? They don't need me where???

Somebody told me that a relative is doing a movement against me that whoever followed me or support me, that group of a particular relative will kill the people who love me truly!

I hope my follower or my supporter or my FRIENDS should know how to fight and win!!! I just walk by faith...

9:52 pm

I feel bitter, I'm a college graduate but no xfactor now... I feel fat and ugly...

I have low self-esteem,I just have maturity but I feel fat and ugly and I lost friend's attention in a way...

I wanna do beauty therapy but looking forward to get men's friends or a possible future again, who can accept me now as like this... Before my big transformation in the future... I wanna a career...

I wanna have a job on a good platform... I wanna go back to gym and I wanna see donkey and camel...

I wanna find true men's friends with sanity and maturity... I don't like the Nepal guy the last time I talked in Tagged, he seems immature and rapist... It is difficult to find new men's group,most specially having stability on mind and in life and looking forward to get pretty faces just like my exes and guy friends...

I hate some group of church of christ who can't support me, I was the real one, a genuine choir member...

I feel bitterish...

11:30 pm

Grrr... Whew! Coffee sachet is getting higher now... It became 14 pesoses from 10 pesoses... Life here in the Philippines is totally unfair...

This windblow cult is so unfair they just want to smash me... I feel bitter...

[yeonjuins]

Oh that’s really understandable, I get like that too when it rains but I hope you’re mood and motivation gets better overtime ♡︎

And I have been well ♡︎ just preparing myself for my exams,, I know I said I’m not as anxious for them but my history exam is cumulative and like even though I take notes and stuff,, the material just doesn’t click for me and I am worried (but not too worried to the point where I’m going to shut down like I usually do KAKSKS I’m just going to have to wing it <3)

But my professor said she’ll post anything that will be of help for the exam so I will take advantage of the that (small rant: I really hate when exams are cumulative because 1) why put all those questions on an exam 2) I hate having to go that far back into the class material because my memory is like yikes and 3) the studying- but then I’m like I shouldn’t be complaining because this is my only cumulative exam but !! it irks a nerve)

And IT WILL!! I will manifest it 😌 I’m going to be so annoying when my family checks the mail SKSKS “is there anything for me? Did I get something?” and Okay!! So about that, I keep forgetting to go by there (I’m sorryy ♡︎) but !!! I’ll be doing some errands on Friday so I’ll write down to go by there when I’m out ♡︎ ( I feel like I worded that wrong LMAO but i set a reminder for Friday to go by there)

Ahaaa yes 🤝 but I haven’t because I tend to be indecisive BUT I’m leaning more towards just using my summer break as a break and just going to school afterwards but then I feel like I just see how I feel once the school year rolls around but mostly likely I’ll just go back to school after summer break KAKSKS (witnessing my indecisiveness firsthand it’s like it gets worse and worse as I grow up) and thank you ♡︎ ♡ I really appreciate you ♡︎

Hmm hm understandable well then I hope the rest of the year is good to you ♡︎

ohh understandable to feel that way. I’m not that familiar with web development,, but hmm… maybe you can try to improve your work before your internship is up or once you go to a new company, the work may be to up to your standards,,, it’s only an internship so that might not show all of what’s it’s going to be like once you move forward in that field. Maybe once you have more experience, the job experience will be better for you (?) ♡︎

Ooh yeah that’s good (Ikr? It should really be illegal to start school that early SJSJDK) but yeah that was the plus side when I did online learning,, my classes didn’t start until 12pm or so lol and yeah exactly and I feel like I learn better with in person but at this point I’m not sure

aww of course ♡︎♡︎♡︎ always happy to help :)

(lengthy response!)

WHAHHAHA its raining here again ;; so as a result, my mood is gloomy ):< seriously i think living on the northern side for so long has made me so !?!?? i want to know what it's like living near heat !! continuous heat that is !!! i watch this youtuber (she's like... my biggest inspiration really- inspired me to go into ux/ui design) called nameishana and she lived in toronto but will be moxing to texas and im so !!! jealous !! rainy weather go away !!!!!!!!! ):<

whaaa preparing for exams... this is going to sound so hard but i wish i had something to study...? this is all going to kick me in the ass when i enter uni since i'll be flooded with exams and constant studying then but i literally... have not studied for a test or written out proper notes in a year and a half now...? and even then- i don't recall me really putting my heart into it... i think in 9th grade i was super diligent and studied SO so so hard (wrote out notes and everything)... i think overall i'm missing some sort of routine since mines currently seems lacklustre )":

i hope u did well on the exam/feel more confident about the content now ): i know what it's like being wary about the final results but i really do think hard work pays off in the end... you're building resilience after all, right? (": u have every right to complain my love ;; exams overall are super nerve wrecking and it's really tedious to have to go far back into the course content to review minuscule details that may not even be important on the actual exam ):< overall, i hope all is well and that it'll all work out in the future <3

no pressure to buy stamps my love ! if you don't have time either, you can always respond to me through dms <3 (i've emphasized this like 5000 times but just wanted to make sure ur aware that this shouldn't be an obligation ! just a lil fun tid bit for us but if not, it's all good <3)

definitely just going with the flow sounds nice after a long arduous school year </3 do whatever feels right for you my love

i find that whenever i talk to my employer more frequently and have a closer communication about our plans/projects, i end up enjoying my internship a lot more (that happened today, after yesterday i felt a bit in defeat from another lacklustre day). i also did talk to a friend about it, and she reassured me that as i get more into the field itself i'll have plenty of other opportunities to build my personal style and that i'm just ahead of the game rn which is reassuring to hear (":

oddly enough, despite being 'ahead of the game' i still feel... behind? but this could just be dumb brain trying to pick at something that doesn't really matter anyways ;; my friend recently got a summer job in which she gets paid above minimum wage which i'm super happy about for her ! it's a really good field (one that i'm also slightly interested in) but of course, i can't help but feel slightly jealous as well? i had to take less shifts at my current job in order to work at my internship and since it's highschool internship... i don't get paid (":

lately it just feels as though i've been doing continuous work for nothing beneficial? and so hearing that made me feel like i was just being left behind? (being paranoid, i also did the math and calculated that she will make my years worth of savings within the three months she will be at this internship). overall, i just feel at a stalemate with life right now and i have no clue where everything is going ! i want to get out of highschool ! i want to ! have a transition ! and make good money ! ):< anyways i'm sorry for rambling

regardless, i hope ur day has been going well love and that you're taking breaks while studying/your exams are going well <3

[thebigoblin]

2021 Fic Year In Review

Thanks for the tag @greyhavenisback and @radio-chatter!

*

Total Number Of Completed Works:

102 on AO3. I crosspost between Tumblr and there so I'm pretty sure that's all of the fics I've written this year (which is actually my first year publishing fanfics!!!) Oh, wait, make that 103 because of the Sterek Secret Santa fic that hasn't been revealed yet!

Total Word Count:

*checks stats* It's a whopping 165, 447 words!! Including the SSS fic.

Looking Back, Did You Write More Fic Than You Thought You Would This Year, Less, Or About What You’d Expected?

Definitely more. Way, way more. Like, I just wanted to write because Ideas, you know, that kept knocking at my brain to be let out. And I did let them out and now here we are. Wow. I'm feeling incredible right now 😂

Fandoms I’ve Written In:

Teen Wolf, MCU, 911 Show, Supernatural and BBC Merlin. Tho maximum fics are for a certain Sourwolf and Spark ♡

Most Popular Story Of The Year?

By both Hits & Kudos: Hidden Treasure (MCU)—it is so bad though ohmigod and it has 10k hits. What the ever loving fuck. But also, I get the appeal 😂 any and all "Peter Parker gets embarrassed by his adoptive family aka The Avengers and his classmates find out he is Spider-Man/find out how he is a well-loved BAMF" are top-tier, tbh.

What’s Your Own Favorite Story Of The Year?

Hmm, let me think. Orbit (yours is the only one i'd follow) is probably my favorite. It's just me sort of being introspective on the various romantic relationships, with Stiles' POV. I especially love my Petopher one:

Peter and Chris are like gunpowder and a match, waiting to touch and to spark; Stiles doesn’t know who is who, all he knows is that they are two people who are meant to be in the same circles. On the exact opposite sides, maybe, but always with a path laid out for them to trace back to the other one.  

Like a never-ending path of love. More than love; family, hate, trust, respect.  

Peter and Chris have covered everything, and now they’re on the same side, in each other’s reach but still their own person as they move forward.  

Do You Have Any Fanfic Or Profic Goals For The New Year?

Keep writing? Yeah, that's one. Get the @sterek-roundrobinchallenge to be a successful Sterek event, that's another. And I'm planning on trying to do the 24 Fics in 24 Hours thing [edit: I linked their masterpost] that @bleep0bleep did... it looks pretty interesting. But I'll limit myself to just writing Sterek. (Can you tell they're my OTP by now? Lol). But I'll do that in like... May 2022. Maybe. Who knows? Not me. But it's nice to dream.

Did You Take Any Writing Risks This Year?

Yup, sure did. I joined the @stereksecretsanta challenge, which was fun, but risky given that this is my first year writing and the deadline... oooof. Glad to have been done on time, tho. I'm just hoping now that my Giftee likes their gift <3

Oh, also, I wrote Thiam-centric fics. One or two, I think. I don't think I have a clear grasp on them yet, or it's like, I am not used to writing them. So writing them anyways was a risk.

Story Of Mine Most Under-Appreciated By The Universe, In My Opinion:

Lmao, Idk? No wait I lied. I'm definitely of the opinion that my fic We Honor The Dead by Fighting For The Living is severely underrated. I had a lot of fun coming up with the Legend! I actually really love this fic. I just wish more people would too :(

Most Fun Story To Write:

The fic mentioned just above.

Most Unintentionally Telling Story:

Uhhh, maybe all? Like in the way that I'm still forming my opinions on things that are not fanfic/fandom stuff, so I don't actually have many personal character headcanons—like, I don't have a favorite genre/artist of songs, neither do any of my characters etc. Stuff like that.

Biggest Disappointment:

The Song Challenge that nobody did except me and @deepestbelieverstranger 🙃 sooo I might've deleted the blog.

Biggest Surprise:

Meeting so many cool people on here and not being so socially inept that I ignored them in my anxiety 😂 but uhh in fic things, probably being able to hate a character—S*ott McCall—so, so much. Because while watching the show in 2020 I hadn't like... picked up on all the shitty things he did? I just didn't like him I knew that, because he literally told Derek in S1 that his family deserved to die, and the S2 Finale Bite Rape obviously. But that was disliking S*ott. Now I actively hate him. The canon version, anyways.

My Favorite Part Of Fandom This Year:

Meeting all the amazing people and being able to just share my love for these characters from a decade old growly-dramatic-over-the-top show ♡ Sure, there're always a group in all fandoms that's just here to rile others up and be Trolls, but I think the Teen Wolf fandom that I've talked to/interacted with are good. Most of them. And it's really nice because I've heard a lot of horror stories, too.

*

Okay, so that's it! This got sooo long lmao. 🤣🤣 Anyways, I'm tagging the following people (No pressure):

@deepestbelieverstranger @ilovepeachystuff @novemberhush @steve-x-bucky @veryprecisehans @elisela @raisesomehale @ronni-right @ash-mcj @nutellarghh @fairytales-and-folklore @princecharmingwinks @eusuntgratie @sheetghsts @pray-for-sound and anyone else who wants to play!!! Open Tag <3

[iwillgiveyoumyhappiness]

이한결, Lee Hangyul

anistaetic asked:

Could you maybe write an imagine (angst & fluff maybe?) with Lee Hangyul (X1) where his girlfriend got pregnant on accident but is too scared to tell him because she doesn't want to destroy his career and he finds it out himself? ♡

Group: X1 & IM

Member: Hangyul

.

.

.

“Where are you goin’?” Hangyul asked playfully, a small pout on his lips as he grabbed his girlfriend’s wrist. 

She turned around, looking at him with a small smile. “What do you mean?” she chuckled. “I already told you, I have a doctor’s appointment today.” 

His frown deepened. “But it’s my day off!” he whined, pulling her close to him. He gave her five or six (she’d lost count) pecks. “Stay here,” he said, deepening the kisses, little by little. He leaned their foreheads together. He swayed them back and forth slowly, his arms wrapped loosely around her waist. “Stay with me, please.” 

She gave him one more kiss—longer this time—before she pulled his arms away from her waist. She kissed both of his hands in turn, rubbing her thumbs gently over his knuckles. “Sorry, bub,” she said. “You know I haven’t been feeling so good these days.” 

He sighed. “Yeah, I know...” He looked a little hopeful. “But aren’t cuddles the best medicine?” 

She stifled a laugh. “Best? Yes. Most effective? Sorry, but no,” she said, tapping his nose. 

He let out a childish whine as she pulled away, but he didn’t stop her. “Fine,” he groaned. “You go see your crummy old doctor, and I’ll wait here. Bored. Alone. By myself.” 

“You’re such a drama llama,” she said, rolling her eyes playfully. 

He waved a hand dismissively. “Whatever. Just go get checked on.” A small smile crossed his face. “I don’t want you to get sick.” 

Overcome with a moment of ‘God, I love you’, she walked to him and pushed his bangs back, placing a wet smooch on his forehead. She grabbed her purse off the counter. “And I don’t want to get you sick,” she said. She gave him a quick wave. “See you in a few hours, ‘kay?” 

He nodded. “’Kay,” he answered, giving a thumbs up while he rubbed the remaining sleepiness from his eyes. “I’ll lock up behind you.”

+++

“So, what seems to have been the problem recently, ma’am?” the doctor asked, sitting across from her in a cushy-looking, rolling office chair.

She always hated that whole ‘what seems to be the problem’. It always felt somewhat condescending, considering that fact that most didn’t just pop by the doctor’s office just for a play-date. 

“Just general unease,” she said. “I’ve been feeling queasy lately, and I get tired pretty easily, too. Is there anything you can think of that would cause that?” 

The man scribbled some notes down on his clipboard. “Hmm...” he hummed thoughtfully. “Are you a generally active person?” 

She thought for a moment, nodding slowly. “Yes,” she said. “Yes, I’d say so. The person I’m living with is really into fitness, so we go on runs together in the mornings. Go to the gym when we have time.” 

“Is it possible that it’s just exhaustion, then?” the man asked. 

She looked doubtful. “I don’t think so,” she said. “I’ve been exhausted before, and this doesn’t feel the same. It’s sicker, you know what I mean?” She sighed under her breath. “Could you please just do some tests for me?” 

The doctor nodded, an accommodating smile on his face. “Of course, ma’am,” he said. He gestured to the table behind him. “If you don’t mind taking a seat, I’ll draw some blood.” 

She nodded, feeling a bit of peace settle into her bones. “Sure.” 

+++

A few questions, needle pricks and blood tests later, it seemed they were finally getting somewhere. She just wasn’t sure it was the best direction, judging by the way the doctor’s face paled. 

It got even more nerve-wracking when he suggested bringing in a female nurse to ask some more ‘sensitive questions’. 

Said nurse walked in a with a low, silky ponytail, chipper disposition and neatly ironed scrubs. She looked to be fresh out of one of those Healthy Living magazines. By the looks of her, she was older only by a few years, but she was sporting a sparkly, expensive-looking wedding band. 

“Hiya!” the nurse—her name-tag said Son Seyeon—said, waving as she checked over the chart on her clipboard. “How’re we doing today?” 

She chuckled nervously. “Well, I thought I was doing okay,” she said, “but the doc’s making me a little scared.” She shifted nervously on the examination table. “Is there...” she started, “something wrong with me?” 

Seyeon gave her a warm, comforting smile. “We’re gonna check on that,” she said. “If there’s anything wrong, we’ll try our best to fix it, I promise you that much.”

She nodded, feeling her nerves settle a little. “Thank you,” she said. She let out a deep breath. “Really, it means a lot.” 

Seyeon stood there for a moment, eyes darting back and forth between her and the chart, letting out hums and ‘oh’s and ‘ah’s every few seconds. It made her a little anxious, but she tried to get past it. 

“Okay!” Seyeon said, clicking her pen shut. “I just have one question for you, and then we should be all squared up. Can you do that for me?” 

She nodded. “Yes, of course,” she said. “Ask away.” 

“When was your last sexual encounter?” 

The question caught her off guard. “I’m sorry,” she stuttered out. “What?” 

The smile stayed glued to the nurse’s face. It was clear that stuff like this didn’t faze her. “You have a boyfriend, right?” she asked. 

She rubbed the back of her neck awkwardly. “...Yes,” she answered softly. “Yes, I do.” 

“And you two have a...” Seyeon puzzled over in her mind for a moment how to put it lightly. “Full relationship?” she settled on. 

She almost coughed on her own spit. “Well... Yeah, I guess,” she admitted. She stared at the ground, the dirt in the corner suddenly seeming very interesting. “Just the one time, though,” she said shyly, her cheeks heating up. 

Seyeon nodded understandingly. “And when was that?” 

“A few weeks ago.” 

The nurse nodded, glancing back at her chart. “Well, it matches up!” she said, a smile spreading across her face. 

She couldn’t help but wonder why she was smiling. “I’m sorry, but... What matches up?” she asked. 

Seyeon walked to her, sitting down next to her and rubbing her back gently. “You, ma’am, are pregnant,” the nurse said. 

At first, she was excited. She felt her heart leap with the thought of being a mom, but then reality set in. It seeped its way into her bones and it invaded the dark recesses of her mind, making her stomach lurch and churn. 

She felt like she had a migraine, worsening by the second and crushing her skull. Too many thoughts zipping around in there. Now wasn’t the time or place. They were both too young, they had no idea how to raise a kid, and it would hurt Hangyul. So much.

Seyeon could sense her fear. “Hey,” she started gently, “are you okay?” 

She rubbed her temples, taking a few deep breaths. She was determined to keep herself calm, despite the circumstances. “I’m not,” she admitted earnestly, “but I will be.” She huffed a sigh, hiding her face in her hands. “I’ll figure something out...” 

Seyeon stayed quiet for a moment. “Do you think you’re going to abort it?” she asked, voice barely above a whisper.

Her shoulders tensed. “I... don’t know,” she said. “I really don’t.” 

Seyeon nodded slowly, an understanding look in her eyes. “Well, I’m not that much older than you,” she said, “and I’m on my third kid.” 

She looked up with surprise. “What?” she gasped. Her gaze shifted to the nurse’s stomach. “You don’t—”

“I’m only a few weeks in, not showing yet,” Seyeon said. She nudged her shoulder a bit. “Like you.” She rapped her fingers on the examination table, looking thoughtful. “If you decide to keep it, you can come to me,” she said, smiling. “I’d help you figure stuff out.” 

Her thoughts felt slightly more at ease after hearing that. “Thanks,” she said softly. “I’ll figure something out. If I decide to keep it, you’ll be the first to know.”

The nurse laughed loudly, holding her stomach. “I should hope that your boyfriend would be the first to know!” she said. “I’ll gladly settle for second.”

+++

She didn’t tell Hangyul. Not for weeks. 

She was still arguing with herself in her head, floundering back and forth, but always stopping herself in the end. It would be more convenient for him, for his career, if he never knew anything about it. 

It’d be more convenient for him if this child they’d both created... 

Were to disappear. 

Hangyul waved his hand in front of her face. “Hello,” he said, drawing out the last vowel. “Earth to the love of my life.”

She shook her head, drawing herself out of her thoughts. “Huh?” she said lamely. “I’m sorry, what?”

He chuckled. “You were zoned out big time,” he said. He copied her dead, empty expression. “You looked like a zombie,” he joked. “But somehow less expressive.” 

She chuckled along with him, but it wasn’t with her full chest. Not the way it usually was where she’d lose her balance and almost fall off of whatever chair she was sitting on. “Sorry,” she apologized. “Did you need something?” 

“Well, I asked about six times if I could use your computer,” he said. He gave her lips a quick peck. “That okay?”

She nodded, not thinking much of it. “Yeah, of course,” she said after a pause. “Go for it. Sorry I didn’t hear before.” For whatever reason, his kiss made her feel anxious. Maybe because it felt like if he was close enough, he’d be able to read her mind.

See the terrible, swirling thoughts. 

He gave her that charming smile that always melted her heart. “Thanks,” he said, making his way off to their shared bedroom, the plan already set into his mind to steal the scratched up old laptop from off her charging shelf. “You’re an angel,” he said, half-way out of the room. He leaned back in briefly. “My angel!”

She laughed softly. “Forever,” she answered back, as she always did. She sat at the dining room table for about thirty more minutes, mind racing, yet going incredibly slow. She had no energy to think rationally.

“Go with your feelings,” she whispered to herself. She stood up and moved to the couch—more like a lumber—before plopping herself down ungracefully. After she did, her eyes widened and her hands immediately rushed to her stomach.

Her brows knit together. “What is wrong with you...?” she asked herself. With hesitation shaking her wrists, she pulled her hands away. “There’s nothing there,” she said. She repeated that over and over again, like a mantra. Almost like she was trying to convince herself of it. 

She leaned forward, holding her head in her hands. She could feel her eyes welling up with tears, though she had no idea why. It was like an instinctual thing, set into her DNA with reckless abandon. 

She took a few deep breaths, letting her heavy lids fall shut. “Calm down,” she mumbled. “You can do it. You can do this. Think of Hangyul.” 

“Baby,” she heard from the hallway. Speak of the devil.

She blinked the tears from her eyes before turning to face him. Why did he sound like that, though? So solemn. “Yeah, babe?” she said, putting on a convincing smile. “What’s up? Did the screen freeze again?” she guessed. “Remember, you’ve just gotta press—”

He shook his head, his expression serious but also somewhat... Sad? She couldn’t quite place it. There were mixed emotions swimming in his pretty eyes. “It’s not the laptop,” he said. He flipped the device in his hands around to face her, showing her the screen. “You should really clear your search history.” 

Her eyes widened, her blood running cold. There—right in front of her and resting in her boyfriend’s arms—was a list of reputable abortion clinics.

She stood up immediately, almost tripping herself in her hast. “Hangyul,” she said. You knew things were serious if she used his real name. “I... I can explain that,” she struggled out. 

She took a step forward, but Hangyul took a step back. “For there to be an abortion...” he started slowly, as if trying to puzzle it out in his head. “There has to be a baby.” He met her eyes. “You’re pregnant?” he finally breathed out.

She couldn’t answer for a solid minute. All she could feel was her world crashing down around her, a wave of fear and endless awful possibilities trying to mercilessly drown her. “It’s just...” She’d started crying without even realizing it. She gave him a pleading look, sobs trying desperately to escape her throat. “Please don’t leave me,” she said. “It was one slip-up!” 

In an instant, the laptop met the floor with a crash. She didn’t hope much for the safety of the device, but what worried her even more was the wetness in her boyfriend’s eyes. “Don’t you dare say that!” he shouted, though his voice gave out at the end. “Don’t you dare call that child”—he gestured to her stomach—“our child that we created a ‘slip-up’.”

She was left shocked, tears still slipping off of her cheeks like miniature waterfalls. “But... It was,” she breathed out. “We didn’t sign up for this, Hangyul.”

He scoffed, looking a way for a moment. His hands rested on his hips, as they always did when he was frustrated. He met her eyes again, his getting glassier by the second. “So what if we didn’t? It’s here now,” he said. 

She struggled to form words. “Hangyul...” she started. “No. It’s not good for you. If people find out... It’s not just you that’ll be in trouble. It’ll be all the guys. The company might cut you!” She took in a shaky breath. “I don’t want that for you.” 

It was in that moment that the tears Hangyul has been fighting couldn’t be held back anymore. They fell from his eyes, visible crystals of his struggle. She felt a pang in her chest, wanting nothing more than to run to him and wrap him in her arms. 

“Why do we have to pay for it?” Hangyul cried. “Why do you and I have to pay for loving each other?” He pointed to her stomach again. “Why does that kid have to pay for us loving each other?” 

She shook her head, not meeting his eyes. If she did, he might know. Know what she was really thinking. “There’s nothing there,” she said coldly. “There’s nothing there that’s going to ‘pay’ for anything.”

“Did the clinic let you listen to its heartbeat?” he asked suddenly. 

She froze. “Well... They offered,” she said. “But I turned it down.” 

“Because you were scared that you’d hear something,” he said. She could hear him walk closer to her. By the time he stopped, she could see his feet, sockless and cold-toed. “You were scared that if you heard something, you wouldn’t be able to go through with it.”

She took a few steps back. “No,” she stuttered. “That’s not it—”

“But it is,” Hangyul cut her off gently. “It totally is.” He stepped closer. With slow movements, he wrapped his arms around her, holding her closely; securely. He did this often. Maybe that was why it felt so familiar. Maybe that was why it was the feeling a of home. 

Despite the screaming in her head and the whirlwind in her chest, she felt a moment a peace. The eye of the storm. “You’re terrified, aren’t you?” he whispered, his breath fanning against her ear.

With new tears in her eyes, she nodded. A broken sound left her throat. “I’m really scared,” she said. “I don’t want to ruin you, but I also don’t want to ruin the chances that this child has to live...” Her hand went to her stomach. Like a perfect match, Hangyul’s went there, too. “But I’m also really fucking scared to become a mom,” she sobbed. “I don’t know what to do. What if I suck?” 

He rubbed her back with his free hand, swaying them back and forth gently. “I’m really scared, too,” he assured. “Really, really scared.” He leaned away, cupping her cheeks and gently pulling her head up to face him. “But we’ll figure it out. It’s gonna be really hard,” he admitted, “but it’ll be all right. Each hurdle that comes, we’ll jump it when we get there.” 

“Sometimes I’ll yell at you and snap, and I’ll get really frustrated, but I bet you’ll do that same to me,” he said. “At some point, I might say something that I’ll regret, maybe you will too, but it’s okay. Because we’ll try our best to forgive each other.” He shook his head. “You know what? No. We will forgive each other.”

He leaned their foreheads together. “I think the worst thing we can do in this situation is over-complicate...” He took in a shaky breath. “I love you. And because I love you, a life was created. That’s super freakin’ cool, isn’t it?” he chuckled. “Shouldn’t we try to preserve that? That beautiful, amazing, forever growing proof?” 

Slowly, a watery smile grew on her face. “When did you become such a family man?” she asked. 

He pressed a finger to his lips. “Shh,” he said. “It’s a secret.” 

Suffice to say, she payed another visit or two to Nurse Seyeon. She was a great help for the times ahead. Sometimes, Hangyul even came with her which made said nurse beyond excited.

Turns out, she was very kind, supportive One It.

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I hope you enjoyed it, @anistaetic ! I tried to get a good mix of fluff and angst in there. All I can hope is that it met your expectations. I hope you stop by again; your requests are fun!

Have a good day/afternoon/evening/night!