#honestly id say itd come out in a matter of Days

[orcelito]

I've been thinking about ITNL 15. I mean this is always how I do it, post a chapter and then immediately start solidifying what the structure of the next one is

I think it'll be shorter than the past two chapters. Just bc I want it to stop at one specific moment (heheh) & then the chapter after is dealing with the fallout.

Which means we should see Wolfwood in chapter 17.

Soon!

[mihwee]

hi! hope youre doing well~ ^^ first time asking from you, so sorry if it seems kinda awkward ;; could i possibly ask for a nsfw alphabet with gn reader and tartaglia/childe from genshin impact if youre up for it?

dont stress, take care of yourself!

hi stink, i can finally do this again since im starting to post daily 💀 after this ill do a TVIDTD (the villainess is destinied to die) nsfw hc 🔥

The Harbinger's алфавит

sys/Content: NSFW ABC. childe gets fcked 🔥

WARNING: nsfw duh, mention of bloodplay, clits nd cocks, but no specified gender

MINORS UNDER 13 DNI IN GEN. MINORS UNDER 16 DO NOT REQ.

GN READER / drabbles enjoy (+ im trying to find my blog aesthetic holy fuckk ) also, reader described as traveler or comrade yeh yeh

A: Aftercare

Let say, Childe is a sweet person. Whether its you who fucked the life out of him or vice versa, He was a person that lacked love and support from the beginning. But even so, with his playfull personality, i think he'll guarantee the best cuddles afterwards. Giving things he never received type of stuff. But ofcourse~ he'll love it more when you take care of him. (Even if hes fully capable of doing it himself lmao)

"How sweet of you y/n, How about you come a little closer."

B: bodypart :: which part do they mwa mwa the most

Your hair maybe. He likes taking little swifts of your scent every now and then, and especially your perfume, your shampoo... so he knows What type of perfumes you like. (So he can buy u them~) If were talking about Things He'd want To lick, suck and maybe gobble up... Thats up to your imagination.

"Oh, how can i just choose one comrade?"

C: Cum :: does they love cum, hate cum etc

Childe loves the feeling the he pleased you so much, (as usual.) He would usually lick up all your release, Letting the unusual flavor slide down his throat. A feeling that he cant buy again no matter how much money he gives.

"C'mon. Dont be a Loser, round two!"

D: Dirty Secret

Heavy Masochist. Honestly, hes a mix of both. He feels the thrill of fighting, the possbility of losing excites him the most. So it woudnt be a suprise if he likes getting a spank or two. Maybe a couple fingers inside, four? Pfft. Not a problem. you can choose which hole, He woudnt mind.

"A-ahh.. you can keep going, right there."

E: Experience :: how many cocks have childe took up his ass? Only time would tell

In terms of flirtiness, fuck hes a veteran. Before he met you, it was a usual ocassion that he slept with a couple women there and there. yet, never filling that void deep inside his heart. (oo~ emo.) You can enrust him he knows what hes doing, and exactly knowing how to send you over the edge.

"Mmh, close already? Want me to keep going?"

F: Favourite position

Missonary, Mating press, lotus position etc... he loves seeing your expression, your face. So its no wonder he likes these types of positions. Whether your biting your lip in pleasure as you pound into him, Or pool drooling onto your shirt as he bended your leg over. Fucking you to the fullest

"dont hide your face from me."

G: goofiness (he cant contain the silliness 😢) :: how silly are they in the sheets

Is he more humourous during sex? Not really. Well ofcourse he is on a normal day, Just not when you both are going feral on eachother. he particualarly likes being a little more serious on how he can make you orgasam. But sometimes, like for example: when you both accidentally broke the legs of the bed you were fuckin' on

He'd definetly let out a laugh or two lmaoo

"Get up~ we arent done yet."

H: Hair ::

Id say hes pretty well trimmed (if were talking ab pubes) not too much. Neither alot, Musk makes up for alot of aspects in sex you know? Plus hes busy killing people, itd be a waste to shave it all off anyway LMAO, + if its YOU were talking about, He doesnt give a fuck lol, a Poles a pole, and a holes a hole. You know the sayings

"H-hey! What are you pulling on? ......Nevermind." *💀💀

i: Intimacy :: careless whisper in the background~ how romantic are they?

Id say hes quite the rough-romantic? Always either wanting to get spanked or slapped, or gripping onto your hips and shoulders. Whispering words of "I know you love this." And all that. I guess he likes complimenting himself by a ton, and your groans seem to fuel his desire up even more.

"Let me hear you. Show me how much you want to fuck me."

J: Jack off :

He doesent really jack off most of the time, too busy doing missions, too busy getting commanded to kill this, kill that, do this. But when he gets the chance to do so, the only thing that'll ever come to mind is you roaming your hands all over his body. Pitifully bc he only jerks off when hes far away from u, doing missions as said earlier.

"Y/n. Y/n. Y/n. Y/n* —very breathless manner... wow~

K: kink :: Name atleast one of their kinks!

Getting tied up, or tying someone up, restriction of someones movements, letting him do whatever he wants with them is quite the taboo thing he inherited from his fellow harbingers. It excites him more, for every sensation is doubled.

"Don't worry y/n,, i wont bite... unless.. you want me to."

L: location :: where do u two do the devils tango more frequently?

The classic bed or some hidden alleyway in the city of liyue. Childe is quite rowdy in the bedroom, as much as his personality guarantees. —He'd probbably be moaning in pleasure, your fingers knuckle deep inside his ass as some random kid checked up 'why is there a stray cat meowing sm?' LMFAOO

M: motivation :: How long does he last? minute boy or hour man? You get the lines.

I shoudve set this to L as libido. But~ childe is very determined. Hes a man known for his incredulous stamina, and his reputation for lasting upon hours and hours, AND best believe Your gonna walk away with limp legs or a broken voice. Nothing in between.

"Your already so needy Y/N~ why waste the time? Another round."

N: NO (helll noooo) : turn off or icks

Non-consensual. It stems from his childhood, from getting forced to do things he doesnt like. Or, knowing how to fight for his life at the mere age of 14 was something he never asked for as a defenseless child. As much as he likes to spice things up in the bedroom, CNC gives him quite the ick.

"I... i think ill pass on that Traveler."

O: oral

Definetly giving, He likes to draw out some of your cute moans As he sucks you off, Or lick your clit. Holding onto your thighs or thick shaft as he lowers his head onto your crotch. Making u groan his name in pleasure.

"Mmgh,Nngh. Do you like this y/n? "

P: Pace ;; how fast the plap plap

Depending, he usually starts from slow then it grows quicker by the time you both chase for release. In a particualary good morning, he'd rather thrust in your tight hole as he whispers sweet nothings, —or in a bad evening, Riding out your lenght till it cant even produce a drop of cum.

"Fuck,fuck... im close.. im.—h-hah..."

Q: quickie

It like a everyday thing for the two of you. In some quiet boutiques Changing room? Why not? In some discreet alleyway fucking like some kind of animals? Casual. A quick fuck woudnt hurt in the eyes of tartaglia, considering hes always on the move.

"Come on...anywhere would be good Y/n...."

R: risk

S: stamina ;; how long the plap plap

Speaking of quickie... he loves risks. He loves the feeling of your hand onto his mouth as your ride/fuck the shit out of him. he grows even more harder when you tell him to keep quiet. Honestly, hes just really up for anything.

"Shit... they c-can see us.."

T: toy ;; do they use brr?

Stamina and pace is very different, as always— it depends. Childe can last for up to 8 hours with you AND a stack of bottled waters. And sometimes, he'd writhe under you, clawing your back as he came for litteraly the 5th time. Feeling like he cant take it anymore.

"Rougher..rougher..fuck, p-please.."

U: unfair :: how much dey like to tease frr

Ofcourse. A wide selection of cuffs, Muzzles, Butt plugs, Everything, its mostly you who decided to buy them to use on childe.. with his money... ahen. But he doesnt pay any mind, He even finds it quite arousing...

"Dont turn it...up...h-hah...please.."

V: volume :: how loud this bitch

Very. Childe is MAXED out stats when it comes to teasing. Letting go of your shaft as you almost neared your climax, Or pulling out the moment you convulse around his dick. He teases so much, you feel like your about to punch him at any waiting moment.

"Woah woah.. so pumped up already?"

W: wild card ;; (wild headcanon, Wild scenario etc)

he freqently lets out rough growls, or slutty whimpers. And doesnt feel embarassed to let all his noises out. —Eitherways, it always feels like music to your ears.

"....D-Dont laugh at me..."

X: Xtreme

Ok. So, You heard that childe was rumoured to be quite the playboy in his motherland. Fucking women left and right, but never reaching his climax. And it seemed to intrigue you. Later that night.. you fuck him hard and count every time he orgasamed. Sucking him to the very last drop.

"I-it was the thing of the past! C-come on now... please...nngh.."

Y: Yearning ;; how much he misses u when ur out

Hm, It might sound unusual, but he loves bloodplay. He might hate most things like Vomiting, Or stool-play, Blood is no match, and one of the many factors that turned him on quite fucked up-ly. Get it? Nevermind. You dont need to dig into it...

"Tastes the best, Mmh."

I feel like ive written this, Hm. But, He feels quite the slump whenever your not around. Even sfter his missions with the fatui, his energy quite drained whenever your not there, and hugging some random pillow in your house. (That he sneaked into when your away lol)

"When will y/n arrive... Haahh..."

Z: ZZZ :: after zex... do mimimi right away?

Not really. When he feels holding up a little, he loved to stare at you dearingly. Watching your chest rise up and down as you breathed softly, and the way your hair framed your face as you slept after a pretty hard session. Keepying you protected under his watch.

"How cute, Traveler."

I put some explanation for some Letters, bc ik some of us dumb as shit like me who dont get it right away unless i read the desc myself

this also took awhile 💀 me and my friends 10hr swimming trip ended so im really dead tired (maybe id write more for some reqs if i get horny as fuck)

ALSO I HOPE U GUYS DIDNT SEE THE WAY MY EFFORT PLUMMELED TO THE GROUND..its night here in my country...

[softpatts]

OBEY ME CHARACTERS AND PETNAMES;;

UNDATEABLES EDITION <3

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Warnings;; none !!

Notes;; HI- IM NOT DEAD LOL IVE JUST HAD NO MOTIVATION- schools been really stressful as well,, but hopefully i can get back to posting regularly soon :)) <3

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DIAVOLO

okay first things first,, this man loves being called nicknames just as much as he loves calling you them !! 

he loves your reaction as well,, thats probably his favorite part !! whether you get embarrassed or retort with an equally adorable(or cringey) nickname <3

starting off with what he calls you,, he has called you,, many,, many nicknames

some of them are more of a spur of the moment thing,, those tend to be really cheesy n just,, why???

as for calling HIM nicknames,, anything works !! but his favorites are "darling" "my prince" and "my love"

they just make him melt !! <33

if it's in more of a professional setting,, hell get a bit embarrassed,, not because of the nickname itself of course !! but more because he knows that hell definitely get teased by some of his colleagues

though i suppose hell just have to retort and call you your nicknames in public as well !!

good luck with that though,, because as soon as he sees your reaction to it in public,, hes never gonna get enough <3 

BARBATOS

Okay so this man,, as much as might not seem like it,, is an absolute sucker for nicknames

he loves some of the more proper sounding nicknames,, such as "dear" "darling" "my love" things like that !!

if youre one who gets more embarrassed when shown affection like that,, hell get somewhat smug about it

hell have a little smirk on his face,, n hell ask you whats wrong,, once again repeating the nickname at the end of the question

though if you dont have that reaction no worries !! if you call him one back,, youll probably manage to make this man blush ><

its quite the sight honestly,, a light pink dust across his cheeks as he struggles to form a sentence without stuttering

try not to tease him to much !! he can easily fire back with something thats sure to make you blush <33

some of his favorite moments are late in the night,, hes laying in bed whilst holding your sleeping body,, hell kiss your forehead and whisper "i love you dear, may you have the sweetest dreams."

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

its so adorable and sweet <33

when it comes to his favorite names youve called him,, its a tough choice between "dear" and "sugartits" (though said in a really weird voice)

no i will not provide context,, thats for another post im working on <3

SIMEON

WOOH okay,, so his nicknames are so,, so sweet

id like to think he isnt actually much into nicknames,, just your name seems a lot more intimate than any nickname could ever be

though he will slip in the occasional "angel" every once in a while

those occasions are usually after beinggg,, *ahem* intimate with each other,, or while you two are laying in each others arms

the origin for the nickname is quite simple,, he just finds you so,, angelic,, youre too good for this world and youre so pure,, no matter what you say !!

most of the time he calls you by your actual name,, but he says it in such a way that makes your heart melt !! <3

now onto calling hi m nicknames,, he loves them !!

he didnt actually care much for being called anything other than his name for a while,, but after you explained to him that it was,,, a tradition in a way !! when it comes to dating in the human world,, he was instantly hooked !

Its gotten to the point where if you call him something other than his designated nickname he begins to worry youre upset with him,,

but dont worry dear simeon !! im sure they just forgot,, or theyre having a bad day <3

his favorites out of what youve called him would have to be just "baby" its simple yet it makes his heart flutter ><

SOLOMON

im gonna come out real quick and say HE LOVES NICKNAMES !!! ALL OF THEM !!! WEIRD ONES,, SWEET ONES,, THE REALLY CHEESY ONES THAT MAKE EVERYONE GROAN N ROLL THEIR EYES,, ALL OF THEM !!!!!!

though some of them can get a bit strange,, he mostly sticks to the usual "babe" or "love",, but theres no promises he wont randomly come out with some weird extremely long name that makes you wanna barf

since hes a human too,, hell already know about calling your s/o petnames n such,, and i dont think youll have to ask him !! he quite likes it,, though i dont think he could love anything more than saying your name

hes another man whos an absolute sucker for just regular names,, he loves the way it feels when he says it ><

now when it comes to calling him nicknames,, he could really care less !! though be careful,, because if you call him some strange goes name he can sure as hell fire back with one twice as worse

though if he had to pick a favorite itd be "my love" not love,, but MY love

its the "my" part in there that he loves,, he loves the inotation that hes yours :))

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Tags !! ➪

[petewentzisblack1312]

What got you into fob? I've seen your posts a lot and I always wonder how some peeps found the boys

ok so we have to start when i was about 6 ish years old, 2006 thereabout, when some show comes on and i see some dude on the screen who has like. eyeliner and straight black bangs and i dont know why but this freaks little me the fuck out and i knew 1 thing and it was that this dude was like an example of a cliche rock and roll guy so i decided right then and there i would NEVER get into alternative music because i did not under any circumstances want to look like that.

so fast forward almost a decade, i have just learnt albums are a thing that exist with maroon 5s overexposed (this is so sad alexa press f) and my best friends and i go to the movies to watch big hero 6 bc i thought itd be fun, and i realised Holy Shit I Love This Movie And Also Want To Be An Engineer, and then the scene plays (you know the scene) and my friend and i turn to each other and agree, this song? a banger. hard as hell. love this shit. and i left the theatre and i couldnt get the song or the movie out of my head so i subsequently watched big hero 6 like 2 more times (very major for me, a person who doesnt really watch movies) and listened to immortals by playing the music video (i use the term loosely) on loop for like 2 days. and then i realised, boy. i sure do like this song and i think its my favourite song and i cant even parse the lyrics. i should listen to some other stuff. so i listened to other stuff off ab/ap, on shuffle, and i loved it a lot and i realised immortals wasnt even my favourite song anymore. so i was like dang, if thats the case i should listen to another album by them (because rememver id just learned albums exist) so i listened to save rock and roll, again on shuffle (because it didnt really occur to me that order mattered yet, one foot in the door) and i realised again, liked this even more than what i last listened to. so then i went to folie a deux, and im not sure if i hit shuffle, because the first thing that played was disloyal order. and i thought for a moment something was wrong, because it was quiet, but then there was the click of what i now know to be billiards balls, and the organs, and patricks voice, and i think i met a god when i heard that. i think that did something to me.

from then on i was hooked. im still hooked, mind you, but i have the benefit of not being 14 now. so everything i did had to be related to fall out boy. hell i could play the 7 degrees of fall out boy if anyone would humour me. i was obsessed. so then, a few months later, my art teacher gave us an assignment to draw facial details, but i didnt feel comfortable asking my friends because i wasnt used to having good ones yet so i thought theyd say no, so i decided, hey. google pictures of fall out boy. so i did, i opened google and searched 'pete wentz' and was looking for good pictures to use as a reference and then i came across the exact picture of him that scared me into avoiding alternative music for my entire life up until that point. i honestly dont know which one it is anymore (i THINK it was him in the full band portrait from ioh?) but i still think that its fucking hilarious that seeing pete wentz kept me from realising im a fan of pete wentz. 6 year old dils would hate my style so much til i explain that ironically our exact philosophy is entailed by those scary rock and roll type people. like to a T i was straight up an anarchist (and kind of a communist too?) without even really understanding what that means. its hilarious.

anyway thats how i became a fall out boy fan.

[strawbewwysamurai]

ok soooo yknow weird yt recs at 4 am right?? and basically i got a whole load of fish spicies vids recommended to me n i watched them all soo how about some hcs about watching fish together w sanji, law and paulie ?? id think itd b quite lovely hah (ALSO NO PROBLEM UR SWEET TOO!! HAHAHA)

OH WHAT THE HECK THAT’S SUCH A CUTE REQUEST-- And with 3 of my top faves as well, oh boy thank you so much!!!! :D Hopefully I get this right and proper. but if not you’re free to req again ! <33

Lets see if any of these strike your fancy !

Sanji:

Fish nerd fish nerd--

I mean, he’s a chef of the high seas with a specialty of seafood, of course he is.

It does not matter if you are at an aquarium with this man or sitting on the edge of a pond, he will prolly know exactly what little fishy is swimming near you in the water and also knows a dozen different little facts about the species at hand.

He has a little pocketbook on species of fish in the area, so if he forgets anything, he can just flip through it and give you a little spiel from there.

Usually one of the facts he gives is a dish it would be good in, but it still counts, and it’s funny as hell to hear him spouting off a recipe description in between facts like it’s totally normal.

It becomes half of the fun- pointing out any fish you may see to ask if Sanji knows it’s species or any little facts about it, low-key waiting for the day he gives a confused expression and says no, he doesn’t know that particular fish!

The day has not come yet but it will someday, you hope. For no other reason than it’d be cute to see him flipping through his pocketbook to no avail and then watching it closely with you in wonder.

Also, he’s really big on little details. Quietly sits hugging his knees up to his chin on the bank and marvels about how that little fish’s scales sparkle rainbow-like in this particular lighting, or mumbles about how fluid the others’ tails move in the water with simple flicks and darts.

It also helps that he likes to bring along snacks for both you and the fish alike. Something that gets them practically swarming the water, and is plenty healthy for them to boot.

You could be sat there for hours and not get bored honestly. Between the pretty and relaxing fish, and nice conversation, Sanji’s really a joy to go watching fish with.

Law:

The man lives in a submarine. It's like going to an aquarium whenever it submerges and you peek out some of the larger windows.

Needless to say, watching fish with him is fun as all heck, especially once he comes out of his shell a bit more.

The Polar Tang could be stopped near a reef and he’ll pretend to be disinterested and like it’s something he’s used to, but the second a golden colored fish comes swimming near the window and you point out it looks like the submarine itself, he can’t help but crack a little smile.

He REALLY loves when tropical fish go by especially- The bright colors make him happy and he likes to look at their markings as close as he can through the clearer blue waters until they swim out of view.

He WILL find the strangest looking fish and deem it ‘you’, and you will have no say on this subject.

You may, however, find the next strangest fish, and deem it ‘him’, and he will no say on this subject.

This will proceed to go on for about twelve more fish until both parties are smugly grinning like idiots and also pretty much half-scaring the fish outside the window away in their loud but lighthearted banter and joking.

Between all the bright colors of fish through the clear blue water with sun shining down into the water, and the snarky big idiot making comments and starting fun back-and-forth, it’s a really fun thing to do together. Both silly to no end, and relaxing as heck somehow.

Paulie:

Whenever he has a lunch break at work, he takes that as an opportunity to go sit on the edge of the canal and watch fish while he eats. It became so much of a habit that even on days off, he likes to just chill and watch fish during lunch or having a snack. It’s even funner and relaxing with someone to share the time with, so there you go.

You will quickly find that he has affectionately named many of the fish, and can surprisingly spot a new or different one fairly easily since he’s seen them all every day, even if many are of the same species and look extremely alike. He can tell the difference.

He’ll point them all out too ! Calmly tells you their names, and a little fact about that fish.

“That’s Reginald. They won’t eat anything but pricey bread. That’s Talluhlah. She owns the canal pretty much, and won’t let you tell her otherwise. And that’s Jacka*s. He stole my sandwich once.”

If there’s a new fishy face in the water when watching with you, he’ll let you do the honors of giving them a name of your choosing. He’ll suggest ideas until you decide on something, and will from then on never call that fish anything different than what you named it.

He does not know anything about fish species or the actual types that swim by him whenever he’s eating lunch or watching fish with you, and he’s never had much of an interest in learning enough to make the names stick.

He does know, however, that he likes it when blue ones come by, since they blend in fairly well in the canal until they come closer to the surface. He thinks it’s funny how they ‘sneak up’ on the both of you and gets a handful of snickers out of it.

You know those little moments you experience and don’t think too much about in the moment, but think back on and remember it as nothing but vivid fun and happiness, even if it didn’t seem like much, even now? That’s what watching fish in Water 7 with Paulie feels like.

[bsotted]

long version

i need to book asap because the funeral is in less than two weeks

it's on a saturday

my best bet is to fly into the biggest airport? right? actually maybe i'd be better off flying into burlington, they might have more affordable accomodations than boston and honestly burlington is only maybe two hours away and boston is prbbably at least four... but definitely there are no nonstop flights i think most of them layover in jfk..... idk man

i could definitely save money if i could just stay with my family

i've never been to my mom's new house i haven't visited since she moved

i have never met my second nephew

thats before even considering maybe meeting with my friends from home

i have an appointment to get pink hair in two days can i show up to a funeral like that???? is that totally inappropriate

what would i wear

i would definitely save money staying with family but i don't know if i can handle staying with my dad as a matter of fact i'm almost positive he's going to be staying at his parents' house because that would make the most sense... i don't know if my mom even knows my grandfather died

she probably does i bet my sister told her

i think i need to call my sister i need advice

i don't want calling to make her feel like she needs to accommodate me though

i want to see the kids i'd like to bring gifts

but i can't impose on them like that it's a two bedroom with four people in it its such short notice

maybe she's thinking about going to the funeral, no, nevermind, she'd never go.

how could i go and visit my mom and on such short notice and not tell my mom why i'm there

there's no way shed be happy to put me up at her house for free just so i can have an easier time visiting with the family who took his side after he cheated on her and then married his sister like??

my dads letter says he'll "pay for accomodations" hes not offering me to stay with them and he's not considerate enough to be trying to delicately leave the space for me to decline in case i'm uncomfortable staying with them that sounds mean but he just. he struggled with that sort of thing to begin and that was before the head injury i can almost guarantee it never wouldn't have occurred to him. it'd be a space issue it'd be the rest of them uncomfortable with me too to an extent like i'm sure my grandfather's wife wont be happy to see me i didnt send any condolences i never sent flowers chocolates nothing i didn't know if it was my place i didn't know if it'd be welcome jesus fuck i am so stressed

i don't know who i would talk to i dont know what i would bring

id cook something if i thought id have the space? or supplies?

it might be my last chance to see my other grandparents alive

it would be the first time seeing my dad in at least four or more years

it might be five years

would it be cheaper to take the shortest possible trip? go and turn around and come right home? it would be beyond stressful it would be beyond exhausting but taking the time to rest between flying and traveling and visiting and traveling home might just add up to too much money and time

time i'm not able to work and money spent on lodging

there's another event early september he asked if i could come to either

the first one is the one that's soon is i think the one i'd rather be at

it's the small one with close family

i'm scared of that but i might be more scared of the one where in my dad's words "everyone and their brother" is invited. itd be easier to be lost in the crowd and maybe escape more notice at the big one

it would be easier to get to the later, larger one. more notice cheaper airfare better prices lodging easier to get the shifts covered

the first one will probably definitely have at least thirty people

idk what to do i have so much school work to take care of

id have to reach out to my professors and explain id have to try to do coursework while there

if i go and turn around and come back to save money and time when will i get another chance to visit mom and the kids and my sister

[marshmallowprotection]

I rambled this out in the tags of my reblog of ur response to my... hm, "pink" ask, but i'll put it here anyways

I think ray and i are similar in the way of emotional sensitivity and people pleaser tendencies, albeit stemming from very different origins. For Ray, it's his traumas and the lifestyle and mindset he's been forced into. For me, it's the neurological disorder/learning difference I've had all my life, ADHD, and its accompanying RSD and anxiety.

One good thing about that bad friendship i got myself into was that i learned how to be a little more independent and how to overcome certain parts of my anxiety at times, as well as how to say no and to not give in so easily into the urge to just do whatever my friends ask.

So, I'm better than I was. But like I mentioned, its a little different when i dont know the person yet, and its especially different if theyre as sweet and kind as ray is. Honestly it gets me weak. I mean, even in the game, when i play AS (and his route) for the first time, i was very compliant to everything he said, especially since he seemed to have some confidence about him (i still cant tell if im just dumb or if he actually seems that way to others in the beginning). And thats not just cos i wanted to progress with the game; i chose the options i felt drawn to.

I'd have a hard time telling him no.

As for emotional sensitivity and RSD... itd be a loop i swear oh my days lol. He's always like "sorry sorry sorry pls dont hate me" and im sitting there like "same." If i was actually there id be like "no no never! Id never hate you i swear ur so freaking nice and sweet and fjbdjdbjd" and then like that very same day, say i shot him a text or two and he doesnt respond for like an hour. I get it. I know he's busy. I don't reach out further cos i dont wanna be annoying, i just wait. And wait. And tell myself he's busy. He doesn't hate me. He's just busy. ...did i say something wrong? Maybe i was confusing...? *proceeds to reread my texts like a million times, analyzing all the possible interpretations and probably scaring myself a couple times*

Finally a text comes in, or a chatroom with him opens up, and- here's where we differ. I keep those "what if he hates me" thoughts to myself. Instead its, "oh thank goodness lol i thought maybe i was being annoying or something or offended u or made u mad" (usually just one of those; which one i felt depends on the scenario) and even then it's only if an opportunity comes up. Sometimes i'll outright ask "was i being annoying? Sorry i know i can get out of hand sometimes" or say something like "just lemme know whenever im too overbearing or annoying or confusing or fast, etc". I tend to prefer to lean towards semi-subtle phrasing rather than outright asking.

But its like... "sorry sorry; are u mad?" "No!! No im not mad... but... i thought you'd be upset at me so I was afraid to face you... and then when you didnt text me i thought it even more..." "what??? No never! I didnt text u cos i thought u were mad!" Lmaooo

[417]

Yeah, I can totally relate to that internalized dialogue. So, it just seems that you can look at him and say same hat. I understand that feeling very well because I do it all the time too. Ray oftentimes gets overworked and overwhelmed by the thought that he's not doing enough, as a matter of fact, he's been told that he's not doing enough so he just thinks that constantly without anyone having to prompt him otherwise. A part of it might be a manipulation on his part but another part of it is genuine self-loathing. It is hard to say because he has moments where his genuine sincerity comes out and moments when his plans pop out. That's why I often tell people that he's a wolf in sheep's clothing. Yes, he is relatable in a sense but that doesn't mean that he is inherently good too.

His morality is a little skewed but you can't really blame him for it given how he was manipulated himself. It is a matter of getting to know him and helping him see that something is amiss that allows him to almost realize that it's not okay. It is just too easy to overanalyze and get overwhelmed by the smallest of details that may not mean anything. It's an unfortunate circumstance that many of us have to deal with.

He's definitely a lot to deal with, and you have to be on your toes and ready to deal with it. If you are not in the right headspace or you easily get overwhelmed by little comments that may not mean much, then it's probably going to be hard for you to deal with the situations that take place with him. Even I know that I would have some specific problems with it myself given he and I have so much in common. However, don't think that that counts you out or anything. You still have the capability to get through to him.

It just comes down to empathizing and reaching out to each other when things don't feel right. That is easier said than done though so yeah, it would be a little complicated. It'll turn into a game where you're reassuring him and he's reassuring you. Sometimes it's good if someone can understand you firsthand, because the thing you can help yourself in the process.

[rqs902]

OMGOSHH EP 5 IS YAO CHI APPRECIATION TIME YESSSSSSSSSS HAHAHAHAHA YESSSSSSSSS 

ok bc i couldnt help but include some spoilers, the rest is going under the cut:

iqiyi giving mr tyger all the group shots bc........

BROOOOO CHEN SIJIAN’S RAP!!!!!!!!!!!! omgogomg this is where wuzelinwuzelinwuzelinsunzelinsunzelinsunzelinkeqinmingkeqinmingkeqinming comes frommmm i love itttt his lyrics are hilarious!!! and also immediately being like ‘ill get rid of wu zelin!’ when mc jin brings it up HAHHAHA

daniel is a cutie!!!!

yao chi talking about his rap..... wow can i hug him hes amazing

awwww xia hanyu talking about wenhan..... wenhan’s really done a lot for him

wait that whole last bit where they leave dachang is just obvious iqiyi favoritism and it kinda makes me sad.....

UGH honestly the worst part about jia yi being so popular is that hes gonna miss his tyger gege’s when he has to leave them behind....

by the time lin mo was called, he was already so done... he looked so defeated.... because he knew they wouldnt be able to stay together and its so heartbreaking..... 

OKAY THESE SPECIAL TEACHERS WE NEED TO HAVE A TALK. OH MY GOODNESSSSS HOW COULD YOU CHOOSE EVERY SINGLE TYGER MEMBER EXCEPT THE ONES THAT ACTUALLY NEED TO BE CHOSEN???!??!?!! THATS SO FRUSTRATING ALSDKJALSK LITERALLY EVEN IQIYI WANTED THEM TO BE CHOSEN!! THEY LITERALLY PAN TO EITHER JIN FAN OR ZHEN NAN AT EVERY SINGLE BREAK I SWEAR AALSKDJLKKSDK

jia yi hesitating at the end...... and zhen nan’s words at the end.... HES FREAKING 61!!!!!!1 61!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS FREAKING JIANG JINGZUO ALL OVER AGAIN BUT THEY DIDNT LET HIM SPEAK WTFFFFF ok if youre gonna keep giving zhen nan and jin fan screentime bc yall regret eliminating them so early why you dont give them screentime at the end when it really matters????? i wanna see what zhen nan would say (jingzuo’s last minute screentime got him a lot of attention too... the fact that they didnt give zhen nan any is NOT HELPING) and i wanna see jin fan and chen youwei’s freaking last friendship bc youwei was rooting for him the whole time bc HE KNOWS JIN FAN DESERVES TO MAKE IT!!!!

AHHHHHHHH LIN MO ITS LIN MO!!!??! HE’S INJURED!!?! AAAHHSHHGHHGHH NOT MY CHILD WTF NOOO!! lakjsdlakalsk omgosh please be alright..... it sounded like his voice making that pained sound, and the person was blonde so i think its lin mo....... noooo my heart.... i cant take more stress, we literally just had elims..... so lin mo has to say goodbye to his friends (including his best friend...) and then he gets injured???? alsdkjlakj ughhhh 

omgosh daniel getting the special time at the end is just another stab to the heart goodness.... he was my favorite oaca kid from the start.... 

i cant believe chen you made it and daniel didnt.... also im so sad that like ou tianrui was the only one who didnt make it from bg project, that must be so sad... also sad that yao chi is the only one from mavericks that made it... losing all your closest friends at once :c im happy for guan yue and mingming going up, they deserve it 

WHOEVER MADE THE ENDING CREDITS IS LIN MO BIASED HAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA WTFFF THERES 3 CUTS OF HIM AND 2 OF THEM ARE REALLY EXTRA AND THE THIRD ISNT EVEN FROM THIS EPISODE HAHAHAH WHO INCLUDED THAT???!! i mean yes he looks very sad and is crying there but its like so random i laughed (im sorry)

okay not gonna lie i didnt cry as much as i thought i would. yes it was sad but i kinda already knew that jin fan and zhen nan werent gonna make it so i was more just FRUSTRATED AND ANGRY watching the whole thing and seeing them get random bits of screentime (YOURE TOO LATE IQIYI) but i heard rumors and then when i saw those goodbye videos they uploaded on weibo today....... my heart sank like oh goodness its real...... i cant live in denial forever.... I STILL CANT BELIEVE ZHEN NAN WAS FREAKING 61 AND JIN FAN WAS FREAKING UNDERAPPRECIATED WTFFFFF everyone on jin fan’s team im sure was rooting for him bc they knew how he was so vital to their success --- he literally taught them all the choreo wtf chen youwei would be nothing without jin fan..... ughhhh alsdkjalsdkjlaks this is so frustrating im so sad for him....... but now i just really wish jin fan and zhen nan do some really cool stuff and stay active while they wait for the others. i think its likely (sadly) that zhan yu will get eliminated the next round, (but im honestly surprised and grateful that the special teachers recognized his talent! he realllyy killed that ‘retreat’ stage even tho zhenning is getting all the attention) and lin mo is liked by iqiyi (i think) but i dont think he has enough potential to actually make it into the top 9... or maybe its just my wishful thinking bc i hope mr.tyger can go on promoting without jia yi, but without jia yi AND lin mo, itd get pretty rough for them, so if at least lin mo stays behind with mr. tyger, i think they could potentially still do somewhat well in the meantime while jia yi goes off to debut with the top 9 and they wait for him to come back

and now for my random predictions: 

right now its rather fixed that wenhan, guan yue, and jia yi will make it. I think youwei, huaiwei, mingming, chunyang, wang jiayi are all likely, which means most of them will make it (but probably not all), and then xixi.... honestly i feel like xixi wont make it (BUT I REALLY LIKE XIXI) but i think iqiyi doesnt like him enough to give him enough screentime for him to make it (at least at this current rate....) also please note that YAO MINGMING WAS THE ONLY ONE FROM THE TOP 9 who did NOT get to go on that trip to leave dachang coughiqiyihatesmingming but luckily/hopefully mingming is popular enough to get votes anyway, LIKE MINE BC I VOTE FOR MINGMING). other than the current top 9, I think its likely either shi zhan or li zhenning or deng chaoyuan will make it. zhenning is the lowest of the three right now, but iqiyi likes him and hes gotten the approval of all the judges AND he was able to shoot up a ridiculous amount from pretty much just ONE DAY of voting (maybe a week at max, counting from the time they released the solo cams), and these votes have been tallying for the past month. so can you imagine how much more he’ll shoot up next time? he has a ton of potential to make it. shi zhan is already up there but iqiyi really likes him too bc of how hilarious he is, and jolin’s approved his smile so i can see him getting more and more screentime too. yao chi i think is also likely, bc he won 1st place visuals hahah that gets him attention from the public but also the staff, so i think theyll give him more and more screentime too. plus he has a touching backstory and mc jin has approved of him too. i think yao chi is someone who they’ve depicted as really humble and works really hard, and they like his smile. (who doesnt hahaha) but ofc there’s probably gonna be a lot of toss up in the rankings yet to come. from ip1 we learned that 70% of the kids were fixed from the start hahaha but 2-3 of them can come from behind, so who knows. iqiyi seems to really like cheche and wangzhe (how did wangzhe and wu chengze get to go on the trip to leave dachang but not mingming?? i mean i really like chengze tbh but i was just so surprised he was there! hahaha it seems so random bc hes #22?? i mean good for him but still)

anyway im all in all kinda all tired from watching a stressful 3 hrs lol but tbh i feel like they didnt show as much of the fun hotpot time as id hoped... and what about all the other rankings besides #1 visual? i dont really understand why they took a few random kids (who, no surprise, all dont get eliminated this ep) out of dachang for that trip.... i like a lot of those kids honestly, but id rather have seen more of the big group bonding / singing over hotpot (giving some of the kids who get eliminated some last screentime before they leave) or at least like find out who ranked in #1 boyfriend or something like that hahaha.... oh well..... now its time for me to go wallow in some mr tyger content so i can mourn the loss of our two children.... 

[teddy-feathers]

gender is scary id rather have a cool rock.

i just wish this wasnt so important to me. that it didnt matter.

i tried to make it not matter.

ive been thinking about this hard for many years growing more confused and upset

because. youre you.

gender isnt a performance. its not an aesthetic.

i cant in good faith say im going to take back the parts of me i struggled to accept- i mean rainbow pastels are super cute and i adore adorable things and im not going to let life make me feel cringey over it again

i cant say ill change at all because im not. deciding to adhere to a different set of gender rules and rolls - hell thats one of the largest reasons i didnt want to deal with this at all

dudes dudettes and everyone on the outside of the ven diagram of idiocy can be and act and represent themself however they want and what they wear or hownthey act can't change that

so it shouldnt matter that in many ways im... girly. just listen to me talk or sing or whatever shit i do that makes me flinch now when i notice

but it does because.... because i was waiting for permission

i didnt realize it but. i didnt feel like i had any right to claim anything

im not a "special snowflake" im just like stupid queer or whatever idk

i laughed at the first person - a guy - who told me he was ace turns out im aro and ace.

i said i didnt care if my soulmate was a guy or a girl or multiple people because thatd be stupid - and then i didnt even NOTICE girls because well im not gay id know... until i dated one.

and then i found out nonbinary and trans folk were a thing.

its not scary to think you might be nonbinary. youre just outside the ven diagram. thats fine. obviously youve got to decide what that means for yourself

but.

i still felt... wrong. and it built and it built and i was afraid because... because me being a guy isnt allowed. im not special. i dont want to be special. and this - thisnis me just jumping onto the train right?

but i started getting angry and hurt and noticing all the time "miss" this and "maam" that.

or

"well im not a smartman" "youre not a man at all tho?"

"pfft well i could wingman for you." "blah blah blah wingWOMAN"

like. i decided. id try the binder thing and i liked it but dont we all like new fashion? new looks...

i decided to start cutting my hair and then... becoming dissatisfied when i looked like a lesbain instead of vaguely dudeish even though yeah im flattered that apparantly id make a cute lesbian? super flattered. its a LOOK and god do those girls look good

i got called sir once at walmart and was ecstatic.

but now i just want to cry. because people know and... i dont know hownto feel or even howni feel because the most i feel is scared which

alrifht i always feel scared about everything especially change

im lucky. i told my coworkers and they didnt even blink and changed pronouns and started calling me Dan.

Im thrilled but

im terrified

i dont take me seriously. how can anyone else? and i. i dont want people to know im trans. im not proud or whatever when i go and look at the cute designs on redbubble the way i am over aro ace stuff. its not funny or safe feeling.

itd be nice if i could just say i wish people wouldnt know by looking - they just saw a guy but its not even that? i sont want people to see me at all and yeah some of thats me just flipping out because... what if im wrong but...

i know. a large part of this is my avpd.

i got a rush

im super psyched i can just go "hey I'm a dude" to some people i know and its chill

but my brain runs on misery - if it sees me happy about something it freaks out and it takes a while for the battleship alarms to stop going off and assume the other horrible shoe is going to drop

but some part of me is wondering still

what if im not a guy

what if im making it all up

what if what if what if

you know?

right now if someone were to come up to me and say no. youre not trans. youre not valid... id probably bare throat.

byt its not validation i want or need. weirdly enough for the first time in my life ive got. plenty of validation its

surety.

confidence.

which. will only come with time. until hearing "sir" or "dan" becomes natural like a broken in shoe and then i can figure out if that was all it was or if the fit wasnt right after all.

its like. the humiliation i feel and have sometimes even now when i wear dresses. like im naked or wearing it wrong ornits very obviously unnatural on me because im very old to still need to learn how to be comfortable in it.

itll come with time but...

i already feel like i want to wear this label.

i just dont want anyone to make a big deal about it when i do... or... second guess myself out of something i want just because im not used to it.

at the end of the day in a coward... ill get over it im just... tired.

i dont want to say im a man. i never have.

but im a dude, a guy. just a person. just me.

i just wish it was more like dying my hair - unremarkable really even if it can be pretty or neat.

because. its not a big deal to me but simultaneously the biggest deal possible and honestly i wish it didnt matter

gender is scary, id rather have a cool rock

[meganiumgender]

even numbers!

2.  Would you say that you have a “type”?  Have you ever crushed on anyone outside who’s not your type?

i don’t think i rly have a type????? im just.....super easy when it comes to girls kjfsdbkjbgjksdgbsdkj 

the closest thing to a consistency i have with physical traits is i...generally like girls that have darker hair i think??

4.  How do you let your girlfriend/partner know you appreciate her?

i am...the most verbal person alive when it comes to positive emotions so i have like... no qualms just saying “i love you” every 4 minutes jdksbgkjsgbdjk

i also rly like physical affection and like...cooking for girls so like. there is That as well. 

im trying not to make myself sound super clingy but kjsdbgjksjkdgbsdbgjkskgj

6.  Would you like to have kids or pets with a s/o someday?

absolutely to both! itd have to be a while into the future bc i dont want to have kids til im married and i dont want to get married until i have a steady job and all that but. having a family is like. a big Long Term Goal for me

8.  Most embarrassing thing you’ve done in front of a cute girl?

besides every time ive made an ass of myself by not recognizing when im being hit on?

i have...more than once... spilled shit on myself bc i got distracted looking at girls, then because i got nervous at my Moment being noticed dissolved into unstoppable, semi-hysteric laughter jkgkjsdgbjksd

10.  Have you ever accidentally outed yourself?

jfksdgbjksjkdgjdsk yeah

my auntie was asking me abt men id met at college and i just sort of. without thinking. yeah. 

(luckily she was ok with it but like... shes the only one on my dads side who Knows for a reason jksdbgkjsdg)

12.  When did you first come out?  Was it planned?  How did it go?  What advice do you have for people who are planing on coming out?

haha uh. baby gay sob story. i didn’t actually get to come out

background info: i was raised in a southern baptist town in rural kentucky so, as any god fearing southern baptist child would do when they’re 12 years old and thinking about kissing their best friend but too scared to go to the church, and know that even though their mama aint christian, there’s no way she’d keep that from their daddy who is, i went to a guidance counselor and asked for. yknow. guidance. 

a day or two later, i had a doctor’s appointment. while me and my mama are getting lunch afterwards she gets a phone call and takes it outside, leaving my dumb 12 year old ass to continue enjoying my cordon bleu from arby’s, happily oblivious to the fact that the goddamn school called her to let her know they were worried about me 

so

there’s that sjdkbgjksg

mama took it well as she could. she made sure i knew she still loved me and all that, but she did tell my daddy the next day and we had a whole family discussion and all that. daddy doesn’t get it and mama still asks if every guy i’m somewhat friends with is someone i’d be interested in dating, but they love me and that’s what matters as far as i care

so i don’t really think i can give much advice on coming out besides the general like. wait til you’re ready to come out, don’t feel like you have to do it right then and there as soon as you realize you’re feelin somethin, especially not if it’s maybe not the safest environment for you. safety comes first. 

14.  Favorite baby gay story?

sdahfbhsfkj i dont really have one i dont think?? unless you count me at age like... six or seven just constantly replaying the video for shania twain’s ‘don’t impress me much’ dsjbgjdg

16.  Do you have any favorite characters who are canonically lesbians?

jfdngjdfj i’ll b real,,, first thought is forever and always Haruka and Michiru from sailor moon,,,, god i love them

also like. “favorite” is a strong word but. god when i was like 12-13 and super into anime and discovered strawberry panic??? lmfaooo

18.  Do you have any favorite lesbian ships?  Are any of them canon?  If you could make only one lesbian ship canon (pre-existing ships included), which one would you choose?

jksdbjgksd i mean. haruka and michiru are Very Much Gay And In Love sooooo

jksdbjkgjksd i got sailor moon on the mind bc me and my brother were watching it the other day sorry ksdhgbkhsdg

(honestly like. just make all of the characters in sailor moon gay. whether they’re in relationships or not just. they’re all gay now.)

(what im saying is: exclude tuxedo mask from the narrative. that’s my wish.)

(god he’s creepy.)

20.  Do you have any advice or words of encouragement for young lesbians who are just becoming aware of their sexuality?

sdgbkjsdgj im awful with words uhh

honestly like just. take your time. and especially with how we like to talk on tumblr i think this can’t be noted enough: don’t rush into a relationship, don’t rush through all the stages of a relationship at once - take a breath. slow down. you’ve got time. 

[shinythingsorpaperrings]

things about my playlist (super long cause i included lyrics whos surprised)

Right Here, Right Now Right here, Right now I'm looking at you and My Heart love the view Cause you mean everything  im always a sucker for a good hsm song but this moment in the movie just really strongly resonates with me, the desire to make the moment last even though everything is speeding around them

Today Was A Fairytale But can you feel this magic in the air? It must have been the way you kissed me Fell in love when I saw you standing there every day just feels like floating like it really is magic honestly

Hung Up I'm not usually the type of guy to call twice And leave a message every time i think ive only left multiple voicemails for my mum like once

Thunder I don't wanna ever love another You'll always be my thunder So bring on the rain something bout boys like girls just always resonates about us but especially this. i used to play it every day when i spent that summer away

Check Yes Juliet Run, baby, run Don't ever look back They'll tear us apart If you give them the chance we all know how shit romeo and juliet when badly idealised but something about this just made me feel really strongly that it was ok cause of all the issues w my folks but i could run from that and itd still be ok

Two Is Better Than One Cause everything you do and words you say You know that it all takes my breath away this song just brings me back to that first night up against the wall honestly

Mine You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter You are the best thing, that's ever been mine another one of those played everyday, not even just the summer, but literally everyday for a long while. this part was the part that clicked most, that you brought me out of my shell

Love Story And my daddy said "Stay away from Juliet" But you were everything to me, I was begging you, please, don't go  swift is kind of a running theme for my sweet summer tunes, but parts of this song reminded me of what my folks would be like, and the constant (poor) secret-keeping and the constant want to be free to be us

Marry You Is it the look in your eyes or is it this dancing juice Who cares baby, I think I wanna marry you i think its kinda self explanatory

Can I Have This Dance Take my hand, I'll take the lead And every turn will be safe with me Don't be afraid, afraid to fall You know I'll catch you through it all this will never stop being the cheesy fall back memory i have, its another soft moment but i love it so

2002 Now we're under the covers Fast forward to eighteen We are more than lovers Yeah, we are all we need When we're holding each other this song just invokes a lot of early memories, of the way we would belt every song out that would come on, the way that wed fix a playlist like no one else was there

Everything I Ask For Oh she makes me feel like shit (it's always something) But I can't get over it (she thinks it's nothing) 'Cause she's everything I ask for gotta agree with john, wearin red when youre feelin hot. its a good colour for you, yknow

Alone Together I don't know where I'm going But I don't think I'm coming home and I said I'll check in tomorrow if I don't wake up dead This is the road to ruin And we're starting at the end we started a mess, we ended a mess, were still a mess, and anything we do going forwards is a mess, but its ok

Still Into You I should be over all the butterflies but I'm into you, I'm into you And even baby our worst nights I'm into you, I'm into you Let 'em wonder how we got this far, 'Cause I don't really need to wonder at all Yeah after all this time I'm still into you  i remember when my dad sent me the video to this song just because of what was on haleys tshirt. i didnt think it would come to stick with me for so long and mean so much

Runaway (U & I) I wanna run away Anywhere out this place I wanna run away Just U and I wouldnt be my playlist if i didnt throw electronic into it. a general running (lmao) theme though isnt it? to want to run away, to find somewhere new to start

Ours Seems like there's always Someone who disapproves, They'll judge it like they know about me and you, And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do, The jury's out, And my choice is you another summer jam. no matter what, this is ours. no one can take that away, nobody but us can change it. it will always be ours

Song 2 You I'll give you my song These words to you Sing you what I feel My soul is true. a little victorious doesnt hurt. its a soft song, mostly about a materialistic girl, but the feeling behind it resonates with me. i love how soft it is, i love the meaning behind it. but most of all i love that its still music thats being used to connect people

Stupid For You You're a symphony, I'm just a sour note I'll take what I can get The best is hard to grip when everybody wants you And everybody wants you basically about feeling just a little not good enough, but still chasin and makin it work. id say im pretty stupid for you though

Right Girl I've never been the best with my mouth Try to stay smart but the dumb comes out Maybe I'm shy, I drive an old car Maybe I'm amazed that I got this far you are the best thing to ever happen and i let my dumbass brain panic itself into doing the wrong thing to the right girl

Rock Bottom That you hate me now and I feel the same way You love me now and I feel the same way We scream and we shout And make up the same day everything culminated to this, to being rock bottom and tossing and turning and trying and maybe not trying enough. everythings still low it still feels like rock bottom while still feeling like theres more to fall. its hard to explain

Trigger Why can't we talk about it Why don't we try I think we can change our minds If we could just look at it through each other's eyes Instead of letting bullets fly i wish, at least for getting through this, we could be better at pushing emotions back to talk, that i could be better at pushing emotions back. i wish i was better at taking a step back and seeing it from another perspective before it got too late

I Really Like You Who gave you eyes like that, said you could keep them? I dunno how to act or if I should be leavin' I'm running outta time, going outta my mind i remember thinking how annoying this was when it came on, but it explains so well this state of limbo, this state of “what can i say, what cant i say”

Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic Every little thing she does is magic Everything she do just turns me on Even though my life before was tragic Now I know my love for her goes on my dad used to play this a lot when i was younger and i forgot it for a while, but something about you sparked me to remember it, to want to hear it on repeat, to belt it despite how quiet it is on spotify, to let it wash over me

How You Get The Girl And then you say I want you for worse or for better I would wait for ever and ever Broke your heart, I'll put it back together I would wait for ever and ever i remember how you used to say you didnt like this song but now it kinda feels like were living it, that someones going to show up on someones door step six months down the line in the pouring rain. or maybe someone wont. but it doesnt stop ever resonating with me so deep in my bones

Be There I'll be the warmth in your empty hotel I'll make it right when you're going through hell I'll be the call when there's no one to tell no matter the situation, ill still be there for you. doesnt matter when, how, what, why, ill be there

Anchor If you’re lost And feel like you’re alone I’ll be the one to guide you home You’ll never have far to go just to really drive the point home with a little tritonal, ill be your anchor, maybe not your rock, im not solid enough, or rooted myself. i sway with the tide but ill still be something you can hold on to

My Life Would Suck Without You Maybe I was stupid For telling you goodbye Maybe I was wrong For tryin' to pick a fight I know that I've got issues But you're pretty messed up too Either way I found out I'm nothing without you i dont care how rocky its been, i refuse to let myself be without you, whatever that entails

Dopamine What you do to me is no good But baby, you're good for me, so good for me We break up to build something new Chasing after what I have with you i think no matter what, it will always feel like what im doing is trying to get back what we had, but not the way it was, more the way we fit together, how we could sit together and be content, to fight and curse each other out but still somehow make it ok, thats what id be chasing after

I’m Yours So I won't hesitate no more, no more It cannot wait I'm sure There's no need to complicate Our time is short This is our fate, I'm yours my heart will always be yours, even if you dont want it, it doesnt plan on going anywhere any time soon. i could leave and it would still stay with you

I Want You Back Oh, baby, give me one more chance To show you that I love you Won't you please let me Back in your heart Oh, darling, I was blind to let you go Let you go baby Cause now since I see you it is all victoria justices voice makes it feel more relevant somehow, maybe its the female voice with the same lyrics, maybe its just the way she sings it, who knows, but this rings pretty fuckin true

Just Wanna Be With You I got a lot of things I have to do All these distractions Our futures coming soon We're being pulled a hundred different directions But whatever happens I know I've got you while comedic in the end of year musical, the rehearsal version really i think really captures the heart of the relationship, that everything is happening everywhere and theres nowhere to stop and breathe but theyre still there for each other, and i will be too

Black Butterflies and Deja Vu I lose my voice when I look at you Can't make a noise though I'm trying to Tell you all the right words Waiting on the right words one of my favourites off the album, i hadnt found one i connected with much off the american candy album, except for ‘miles away’ perhaps, but then LLL dropped with this as a single and it just clicked so much with me. i find it so hard to tell you all the things i want to, the right things to tell you, its hard to ask you to be patient for me to get out what i want to, and i always end up sticking my foot in it, but one day ill get it right

Marry Me Forever can never be long enough for me To feel like I've had long enough with you a soft way to end this playlist, a perfect way to end it i think

[fuckdavestriderheistheworst-blog]

you too buddy all the SO questions

ugh why damn it i did not ask to be punished by means of talkin about vantas until my fingertips bleed

but fine

Significant Other Asks

1. Tell the story about how you met.

it was over the summer about three years ago and tumblr kept pushing a certain blog at me and upon checking it out i decided to give him some troll asks (which looking back upon now were lame as fuck? what was i thinking honestly)

anyway that became me revealing my blog over tumblr and then lo and behold we had a college class together and we realized we were sitting beside each other and i told him that his major was an “easy major” or something and basically he hated me for a while there 

2. Was it a gradual increase of trust and love, or was there a specific moment where you knew “I want to be with this person for a long time”?

it was gradual for sure i went from picking on him to agreein to let him tutor me in english to craving his friendship and then falling in love with him without even realizing

before i knew it i was head over heels and here i am, happy as fuck that im dating my best friend

3. Describe their eyes. Describe their hands. Describe their laugh.

his eyes go from being like cinnamon to being like hot chocolate, in color accordin to lighting and in mood, his hands are warm and comforting to hold and are quick as all hell on a keyboard, and his laugh is rare but memorable, like its dusty from misuse and drizzled over with the annoyance i usually provide him

4. What’s your zodiac sign and mbti type? What about your partner’s? Do things like that reflect your actual compatibility or is it just bunch of bunk?

i had to google what my zodiac was because i think both of those things are bullshit but im a saggitarius and an isfp (or was it istp i dont remember its been years)

vantas is a gemini and...

i dont think he ever tested for it because he isnt internet quiz garbage but hey what does it matter without knowing his results i know that we are a fine match

5. Are you long distance? Have you met in person before? When do you get to see them again?

no, yes, and probably this evening when i bring back dinner

6. Tell me a story about a happy experience you two shared. Something that makes your heart warm whenever you think about it.

something that makes me feel really happy to remember is the new years eve after he got those color correcting glasses and i took him to watch the fireworks and he was so happy and amazed at the color and the show and i was so proud that i could do that for him

7. Tell me a funny story. Did they do something silly? Did you do something silly? Talk about your inside jokes.

one time i groaned into his ear and called him daddy to test and see if he had a daddy kink or not and he was SO into it so now im waiting to call him daddy again when he least expects it

8. Are your families supportive? Does it matter if they’re not?

yeah as far as i know both sides are

9. Would you ever have a pet together? Do you already have one?

we sort of have pets together but theyre also just kinda our own pets but with shared care 

10. Do you have children together? If not, are you both interested in raising children some day?

i dont really want kids and i dont think vantas does either like ever we arent even married and also having kids would be a hassle

11. If they’re having a bad day, what do you do to help?

i usually just sit and talk to him and support him like a friend and boyfriend should do its not really anything special but it works every time

sometimes i surprise him with relatively cheap gifts or food too but he doesnt like me splurgin so i try not to make him uncomfortable

12. If you’re having a bad day, what do they do to help?

same thing really hes always there for me to make me feel better and talk things through 

13. What’s something that your partner does that would be annoying if anyone else did it, but it’s cute when they do it?

scolding me like he is a third parent, somehow its endearing when he does it

14. Have you ever went on a vacation or adventure together? Tell me about it. If not, do you have plans to do something fun in the future?

yeah weve gone on a few sort of technically 

that one road trip to texas we took and spent a while on

the trip to malibu

were planning (or i am) for a trip to europe this summer if its at all possible with our schedules

15. What’s something that you learned about yourself because of being with your partner?

that im enough just being who i am and that i can have a relationship without cash at the forefront

16. What’s a piece of advice that your partner gave you that has resonated with you?

you dont have to bend over backwards for somebody to please them or make them like you just be yourself

not the exact wording but that is the moral

17. Which one of you kills the bugs (or captures the bugs and places them safely outside)?

we take turns but i dont like to kill them unless theyre wasps or venomous spiders id prefer to catch and release

19. Do you prepare meals together? Does one person enjoy cooking more than the other?

neither of us can cook for shit so other people prepare our meals for us always

20. What are the best restaurants to go to? Do you see movies at the theater? Do you do things like golf or bowling, just to bond more?

i like taco bell and pizza hut, yes, and i dont think weve ever done either

21. Tell me about a time that you got into an argument over something silly.

we used to get aggressive over gay chicken sometimes early on in our friendship that was always fucking ridiculous

22. Tell me about a time that you got into an argument over something serious. How did you compromise? What did you learn?

one time vantas said he was disappointed in me and i took it hard and im pretty sure it ended with him leaving but i dont remember what brought it on or how serious vantas had been or how sensitive i had been

we got over it. not sure i learned any super moral from that but it did help me learn about him better in the long run and vice versa

23. Is there a famous couple, fictional or otherwise, that reminds you (or other people) of you and your partner?

will and jada pickett smith

24. Do you have a shipname?

vantder i dont know 

maybe film boyfriends because he writes and i sort of direct

27. Do you have extremely similar personalities and interests? Or extremely opposite? Or is it a balance that just makes sense? How do you try to better understand each other? Do you ever have to experience things you’re not interested in, or vice versa?

we sort of click here and there but mostly our interests are different 

i know he isnt super into art but he shows up to support me like he went to the award event with me and said he was proud of me and i like to offer up romcoms and movies akin to his interests when we settle in for date nights

he is supportive as hell but i dont think either of us have ever made a point of saying we arent interested in the other’s interests

28. Has your partner ever changed one of your opinions on morals, politics, society, etc?

he helped me to be better about takin school seriously so id say yes 

he has also changed my opinion about myself almost completely

29. Tell me about a time that you were really proud of them.

when he got that book deal i was so happy i felt like huggin on him for days

i knew he could do it and it made me real proud to know that he did it and i am STILL proud of him

30. Does physical affection and/or sexuality have a role in your relationship? Are both of your needs being respected and fulfilled?

yeah both are heavily involved and fuck i hope so im not sure how much more i can step up my game

31. How often do you talk? On the phone, Skype, in person? Are you two the type that stays up too late because the conversation is too good to end?

we talk all the goddamn time and basically never leave each others side

i know i regularly stay up hells of late talking to him because i like it so much

talks get so much deeper at night when youre curled up next to somebody you love

32. Talk about your sense of humor, and your partner’s. Do you laugh a lot together? Which one of you is funnier?

were both assholes with sarcasm as our main crutch and im pretty sure we have both laughed at the others expense at one point or another but i would have to say that we are damn near a tie because both of us have a pretty deplorable sense of humor stand up comedy will not be in our futures any time soon

33. Is there anyone who doesn’t like the idea of your relationship? What’s the reason? How do you and your partner overcome disapproval from others?

no i cant think of anybody who is against our relationship

nobody that matters anyway

34. Have there been any hardships that have ultimately brought you closer than before?

i mean i hit my head and got retrograde amnesia and still had feelings for him so i think that eliminated any doubt i developed feelings just because of sex

i didnt remember it and i still loved him

35. What’s their contact name in your phone?

vantas

36. Tell me about what your partner is good at. Are they an artist, are they good at math, do they play a sport, etc?

vantas has stamina when it comes to running and shit for DAYS i thought id die the first time i went running with him

hes also a really great writer and im not just saying that to be supportive i think if he sat down and wrote a book itd get a film adaptation nigh instantaneously

steven spielberg would shit himself

37. Get really sappy and gross for a moment. Be so gushy that your friends would groan in mock annoyance if you told them. What’s adorable about your partner? What makes your heart melt? What’s something cute that they did that you’ll always remember no matter what?

god i just fucking love his eyes and his lips and his hair and the way that he scoffs over dumb “rich guy” things and how good his coffee is when he makes it and how i can NEVER replicate it that good even when he guides me through makin it. i love the sound of his voice in the mornings and late at night when i should be asleep but am clinging onto him and talkin about nothing in particular. i love how he says my name and i especially love that hes the only one who really calls me by my last name so affectionately. i love the way he reads and i love the way he still looks a little too long at colorful things sometimes when we are outside and walking. i love the way his hand fits with mine and i love that we can reassure each other through anything, that we will be there for each other through anything. i can easily see myself spendin the rest of my life with him and if not as a boyfriend then as a best friend 

38. Let’s talk about life goals and hopes. Do you two have a similar idea for the future (regarding careers, getting a home, family, finding meaning)? Do you two make a good team? Can you imagine spending the rest of your life with them?

weve talked about moving in together or gettin a house but our careers are pretty up in the air right now except for vantas’ teaching job. i think we make a fuckin great team and id love to spend the rest of my life with him in any way shape or form

39. Reflecting on all of your experiences, what advice would you give to a young couple?

pick your best friend to fall in love with because youll never have a better love than that

40. Is your partner on tumblr? Tag them here and write them a small message, it can be anything.

@crimsongenetics hey vantas sorry for gettin all gushy here i hope i dont make you throw up at school i love you

[freelytinystudentblog-blog]

Beginning

So I guess for starters Im gonna say i am probably going to remain anonymous for a while. Also this stuff might get deep and personal so ill change all names. Since freelytinystudentblog is ridiculously long im just going to go but Eve because why not. Im not trying to look for attention posting all this stuff but i need an outlet and what better way to do it than anonymously on a website where it probably wont get read. So if you do happen to stumble onto this page then welcome. Hopefully you wont get bored. I guess its time for me to start with the beging which would be about 3ish years ago when I was a wee little lass and believed that because i was 13 i was basically the shit(which i obvously wasnt). I had moved a total of 3 times which doesnt seem too bad but it was always when i got really attached to people we moved and i never spoke to them again. This time was no different. We moved from one small town to another. Being one of the only mixed kids there besides my brother was surprisingly positive and annoying. Why youre probaly not asking? Well because my hair was everyones interest. A big ball of poof i always threw into a pony tail because honestly there wasnt much else to do with it. Everyone wanted to play with it or see how much stuff i could hide in it. It was fun at first but quickly got annoying. While there was that downside to the town it also had some positives. For example it was there that i realized that i was bisexual. To be honest i never thought about liking girls until my boyfriend at the time and his friend were talking about how they were both Bi and i said it to fit in a little. I didnt actually believe it until i realized the way girls made me felt. How i always caught myself looking at their chests and their butts, and how i fell for my friend Taylor. She was my first offical girl crush. Anyway this is getting a little off topic though it was important. Like i said there were many positives like the cool friends i got to meet, I got into blood in the dance floor and had a little emo phase and met a guy i thought id be with forever. That all sounds good but with all positives comes negatives. I began to get super depressed and even cut a few times. I felt trapped in my relationship with Damien. Whenever we fought hed threaten to kill himself or say stuff like “without you id kill myself” which is a shitty thing to say to someone in my opinion. I started doing things id never do like sneaking my boyfriend over and all that. But the biggest neutral that happened was me losing my virginity. No big deal it seems but i was freshly turned 14 and he was 16. We werent safe there was no protection. I know losing your virginity is supposed to be meaningful but i dont remember it. I wasnt drunk or anything so i dont know why i dont remember it. Anyway a couple weeks later i snuck out and walked around town and ended up having sex again in the graveyeard(insert judgement here) I knew something was wrong soon after. I felt sick so i told him i thought i was pregnant. He paled and asked if i was would i abort it. I instantly said no because i dont believe in abortions. After that night things got weird. Me my mom and my brother went to Tennessee. Driving up the mountains i felt sick to my stomach which i brushed off as carsickness. We get back from our vacation and i started craving the weirdest shit like frozen hot pockets, whole packages of cheese ect. I caught myself randomly thinking about having a baby and got scared. I ended up having my older family friend get me a pregnancy test and surprise surprise i was el prego. I cried for about 5 minuets before shutting down. I didnt know how to feel i was only 14. I called and  told Damien that night and he was as shocked as i was. Later on he told me he started crying after we hung up. So a few days later i went home and told mom. She wasnt as mad as i thought she would be. She refused to let me give the baby up for adoption because it was my mistake and i had to live with it. I dont think i couldve done it anyway. No one really understands how attached you get to the little baby inside you. I believe the same day i told the rest of my family. My grandma didnt talk to me for a couple of months. I had an aunt who told me i needed to give it up for adoption because i was gonna ruin the babys life.I had another aunt not let me see my cousin Bri for atleast 6 months which hurt so much. Me and bri are like sisters we’ve been almost inseperable ever since we were little which is funny since shes younger than me. Damien was determined to stay in the babys life and not leave no matter what. Me being pregnant at such a young age wasnt easy. I lost most of my friends and began homeschooling which was terrible. The nine months of me being pregnant was basically filled with me fighting with my boyfriend getting insanely jealous, cheating, and more sex. We shouldve left each other months ago. Looking back i shouldve left sooner. It was a toxic relationship for both of us. 9 months later my baby boy was born. Mister Phoenix. My angel. It was kind of ridiculous damien and i fought even in the hospital. We brought phoenix home and i was hoping the relationshup would get better. It didnt. I caught him sexting his ex and swore to break it off with him. I didnt. I swore to myself i wasnt going to let my baby grow up without a father. In july 2015 we moved 45 minuets away. Damien came on the weekends because my mom picked him up and took him home. That laster all summer until school started and he couldnt anymore. It seemed like us being apart made us fight even more. By november he broke up with me. Now i was 15 and a single mother. I was devasted. I had no one to turn to since i didnt have any friends in my new town. I was alone and began eating my depression away. Every month on the 11th i would sit down and cry. I wasnt in a good state. By 2016 i swore to myself id move on from Damien and become an amazing mother but it was so hard He kept popping in every 3 months or so flirting with me making me fall for him over and over again only to get crushed over and over again. It was a hellish cycle but honestly im glad i went though it. Why you ask? Well simply because every time he left itd give me more reason to stop liking him and even hating him. Now he texts me and i just roll my eyes. Going through that definately helped me move on. He wasnt there for any of the birthdays and i honestly am glad. I understand its my kids father but i grew up with a dad who lived in the same city and still couldnt come see me. I dont want my baby going through that. Once hes older i plan on explaining everything and giving him a choice of whether he wants to get in contact with his father or not. Itll be completely up to him. Now before you start judging me to hard think about this. I became a single parent at 15. The father never visted his son or even asked. Hell this january was the first time he saw phoenix in Two years. Two thats ridiculous. After the very awkward encounter he hasnt bothered asking to see him since. Its hard for people who dont have kids to understand this i know but i know what im doing is for the best. This sunday is going to be his 3rd birthday and his father came up with stupid excuses as usual. Now i know i left out some stuff but some of it is hard to put into words plus if i added anymore itd be unbelievably long. So this was the begining and current i guess. 14 and pregnant. 15 and a single parent. currently almost 18 and still doing it bymyself just a little better. Thats all for now. Ill probably make another one soon about relationships while being a single parent so yeah. Peace.

[shaddy-bee]

I KNOW ITS BEEN LIKE 300 YEARS BUT-

5 things you’ll find in my bag

Right now theres uhh Notebooks, both school and 1 art. Drink mix ins, with such great flavors as sour apple jolly rancher and crush pineapple (tm) Two packs of cards, one of which steam punk themed and the other your regular ol bicycle. A calculator. Its a shitty old one but its for tests, i have google and shit for anything i need myself.

5 things you’ll find in my bedroom

A roommate. Idk if he is gay or what but he isnt straight, name’s will. Chill dude. Sleepin rn, what a fella MY SICK ASS COMPUTER IM MISSING OUT ON BECAUSE MY ROOMMATE IS ASLEEP AAAAAAAAAAAAAA I WANNA PLAY ROCKET LEAGUE WITHOUT LAGGING TO HELL also programming my mods. Need to upload that shit. Shit what number we on, 3? Okay cool. A bed. Wow really a bed in your bedrooM? yeah its pretty fuckin spectacular i know. I dont have posters n shit so like i gotta be creative you feel. A microfridge. Now i know what youre thinking, “ah a small fridge whats the big deal?” but no you dont understand, its a microwave fucking bolted onto the top of a fridge. They gave zero fucks attaching these two together and apparently the name is the same way, WHY NOT A FRIDGEWAVE EVEN LIKE MICROFRIDGE JUST SOUNDS LIKE A SMALL FRI- Last but not least, im tempted to just say my wallet here tbh, cuz its old but like, youd EXPECT that now would you? Something boring and mundane for me to fill out the word count with making everything super exciting so nah man, fuck it. Theres air in my bedroom. Fight me.

5 things I’ve always wanted to do in my life

Make a videogame. Like okay, a lot of stuff on this list is jokes and stuff, and I know im going into too much detail and my followers will probably murder me in cold blood for this shit, but im serious about this one like - i have some ideas, but i never have the motivation alone to like work whole-heartedly and finish one but like, at some point in the future id love to sit down and just go at it and make a game. Doesnt matter if its popular or big or small just i wanna make something that i love ya feel? I wanna like, go to newark, delaware. I know, its delaware and all, no one lives there, but ive met a bunch of cool people there and i was promised a donut run sometime, so lookin forward to that. Yknow that post awhile back that was like “i dont wanna be rich and like buy shit, i just wanna have enough money to throw at kickstarters whenever i want without having to strain on my food and rent costs” thats me. 100% Like i wanna have just enough money to be able to donate to cool people and watch them do cool shit - it wont always work out but thats fine, I just love shit. I wanna be able to donate like the high prize and fly out to meet these game studios for coffee and shit and just talk with em and see their passion and ideas. I love it. Im not actually really sure besides those. Like idk. I think itd be cool to enter a game tournament with my brother and win, but i doubt thatll happen and its not super like on my desires just itd be cool cuz we named ourselves Sora and Shiro after NGNL and to see that like, have us win would be great. Yeah. Ill make my fifth to think of a fifth one.

5 things on my to do list

FLOPPY DICKS i mean disks. Floppy disks. I do binding of isaac ab+ modding shit, and im currently working (its mostly done for what i want it to do) which adds a new consumable called floppy disks, effects are based on viruses, bugs, and just computer based shit. Like BSOD for instance, which makes the screen literately bluescreen. Or atleast look like it. Cant wait to watch people play with it. I gotta work on the programming class project too but honestly i dont waannnaaa. Like its cool as shit. Recreate a card game using c++ code. But man, i just love Apocrypha and Floppies so much more. Eat today???? Please. Dining hall opens in 3 hours. Its goddamn 4 am. I want my food. Dunno if ill get it - if ill stay awake till then. But i want it. Probably draw some stuff? Like i posted one drawing already (check it out if u wanna ;) kay?) but like theres wacom tablets here i can just kinda use whenever???? its great. I love being able to just draw stuff on em. Even if i suck at drawing, even if it took 10 hours to make the one i posted here, still love. Probably play more rocket league. Sleep first, soon as i get that food im CRASHIN BOI IM OUTTIE HA but uhh, rocket league has a halloween thing rn and i like playing it. Was playing earlier today and i matchd with a dude in 2v2 that had the same car, skin, AND colors set up as mine. Totaly random. We kicked some major ass together. I kept thinking of the same hat comic the entire time. (also my card was superior because it had furry ears on it ;))

5 things that make me happy

Getting an idea for a thing and working at said thing until like boom it went from this abstract idea to now it has a physical form and it works! And its fun and its great and i can share it with other people and they can have fun too!!!! that feeling is wonderful.  Obviously friends man. Just doing shit with people can be so great sometimes - like not all the time sure but like man. Its nice to talk to people and share experiences and just smile and tell bad jokes and have them groan but like it anyway like thats the shit. Going out at 2 am and walking to a nearby run down schoolyard and swinging on the swingsets and watching shooting stars burn up. Thats the good shit. Getting tents and setting em up in your friends back yard when your friend from far away comes up for a few days, and playing ridiculous games in a group like kick the can or fuckin zombie screaming your lungs out in the dark to freak em out, or just talkin around a fire about fuckin life man. The people make life great. Shits worth living for. I realize that last answer covered a LOT of shit but like, im just gonna add here videogames. Would be amiss if i didnt mention that, considering the rocket league rant above lmao. Yeah i better not make this category any longer.

5 things I’m (currently) into

Isaac modding, probably will be for awhile. Its good shit. As a suggestion from one of the people I work with (we also fuck around its a good time) i have started watching space dandy. Its a slow progress through lol like an episode or two a day but god man like its pretty ridiculous and the main character is pretty much everything i was expecting from seeing him everywhere. Rocket league again. It comes and goes with various different games to tide me over, give me a break from working. Bout 2 months ago or so said relaxing time was dominated by anime - i suddenly went on like a massive streak of watching shit. By that i mean, i watched all of hunter x hunter in like 2 weeks, among other shows prior to it. But yeah. Fuck man HXH I LOVED THE KING WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. I have too many emotions about that. I wrote a rant to the Groupchat (tm) about the fucking battle and how everything is in slow motion but it fucking like makes it like foreshadowed and have so much of an impact and still so much fucking happens even while everything runs at super slow mo just GOD KLASFJBHUGHASFIUHIPJASK anyway. Yeah. Music, as always im listening to like constantly. Wireless headphones are a wonder for this, but uhh....i cant say im especially into any specific thing rn right? Like a bit ago i was super into joywave and then that faded out and now im just listening to whatever random shit, yknow? But I am into music in general. Its good. Art! A lot of times i dont do shit like for drawing right, like especially not in like pencil in notebooks but like, i sorta started doing a lot more art stuff? Like i had a period awhile back last year where i stopped using pencils and used only pens and i just loved the aesthetic of the ink like how it looked (funny how im doing the opposite of the fucking inktober though, huh?) but yeah im back into using pencils to draw shit occasionally. Im still terrible at drawing people (which is what i see mostly everyone drawing on tumblr lmao RIP) but its fun to sketch stuff out and just let my thoughts run and bounce to some music and shit right? Also the tablets. Especially with the tablets.

5 things people may not know about me (at least on tumblr)

I basically constantly wear sweatshirts, and they all have like earbuds where the strings go. All the earbud shits are broken pretty much, like occasionally they work (the one i have rn does) but like, i dont ever really use them? i have wireless headphones for my phone and a headset (because i need the mic for my computer) for said computer so like, idk. But yeah. I rarely take em off when im not home, and sometimes even when i am i just kinda keep em anyway? (also just now i realized i talked in the section for room shit about all the stuff in my current dorm, my room at home has all KINDS of wierd fucking shit in it. Really missed an opportunity there.) Like many people i like to stay hydrated and shit, but drinking water all the time seemed like a chore more than anything so i got like drink mix ins and shit, mio’s or whatever offbrand version you can find at your local SUPERSTORE CONGLOMERATE. I drink em like all the time pretty much so atleast im health in one way :P. Also gummy vitamins. I dont excercise but you can only ask for so much. Idk, its hard to think of things for this section because tumblr knows so little about me yknow? Like i never make my own posts or shit like its SUPER rare so im pretty much just tryna find random facts but that might not be interesting? Like i have a bad habbit of like talking way too loud when im excited about something right? Not quite yelling but like getting there and like idk. See? Thats not super interesting but it is something no one online would be able to really know ya feel? Idk. I mean physically im kinda fat as you do, but im also like wierdly strong? Like for someone who never works out i sure do have arm strength if nothing else lmao. My endurance is shit tho. Honestly? I can only blame it on osu and groceries. Osu is just a game i like where you mash buttons to the beat of weaboo shit tier music. The groceries is just because like, well, my policy is Least Trips Possible which means carrying in 13 bags at a time if need be it, fuck it milk too? And a watermellon? Bring it. 

Who am I tagging? Idk man. Just for shits and stuff tho i do wanna tag @theoriginalyami just to see what all’s changed in teh long time since i actually went to fill it out :P Dont feel like you have to add as much as me tho omg @milkchocolateowl because honestly? love you. Think about you a lot, just like glad im mutuals with that ray of sunshine. Good. @fantaledfish <3 (this is the friend i mentioned earlier, runs a QUALITY blog i guarantee it, better than mine for sure) @dragonfucker-supreme always top in my notes, a silent bond, like two guards assigned to watch back to back in the early dawn. Birds gather round. I can only tag so many people (i set myself a limit of 5 because...idk why i just mentally it felt right) so for my last trick gotta go with @ask-oncies-jizz like cmon man name changes for the win, also has quality icons and quality shitposts tbh, supreme top meme. Have fun yall.

[trouvvaille]

Clams ==> Talk to Chosis.

periodicPsychosis - Today at 8:03 AM -- PP began texting LS -- PP: meenah told me to talk to you. lonelySeahorse- Today at 8:04 AM LS: hey cho LS: howws it ZZ3B? i heard u got guests an such periodicPsychosis - Today at 8:05 AM PP: they just needed somewhere warm to stay the ni9ht. the forest is quickly settlin9 into winter. itd be cruel to leave a person out there to wander in the dark. PP: meenah told me to talk to you. lonelySeahorse- Today at 8:06 AM LS: yeah its fuckin cold here too LS: yeah i just wwanted to uh LS: talk i guess aboat wwhat you said to her LS: pike i unno, i wwanted to make sure wwe understood you correctly LS: cause pike u said "i need to ask some things of you" but then you didn't exactly make them sound like you were uh LS: askin LS: you sounded pike these needed to be done or else LS: y or no periodicPsychosis - Today at 8:08 AM PP: she can do those thin9s and earn my for9iveness, or she can not. PP: i asked her to do these thin9s to earn my for9iveness. lonelySeahorse- Today at 8:11 AM LS: ah LS: so all a them non negotiable on anyones part then i'm assumin LS: i mean honestly dinners a big step i wwas hopin for somethin more pike, breakfast or lunch but dinner has some big fuckin connotations to it LS: i'm assumin you talked at vvis an sal aboat this LS: i mean i wwish you'd talked at me first LS: how you said that really uh LS: i mean you knoww meenah at least a little LS: tryin to control her or corner her into a decision makes her wwanna run the complete opposite wway or hate the wwhole codamn thing LS: i'vve been wworkin at gettin her to do those things myself LS: but i don't think she's LS: ready wwith her owwn thought processes to make such a big decision or such LS: only just got her to evven think about talkin at sally LS: been tryin to take it in steps LS: i wwant this as much as you do LS: rifts, fightin LS: you uh LS: you knoww vvis' origins yeah periodicPsychosis - Today at 8:13 AM PP: no, theyre ne9otiable. i told her if she needed clarification on any of them, she could ask. PP: breakfast and lunch doesnt really mean family to me. those more mean just me and her. my offer to her isnt about me. PP: i havent talked to them, no. but they told me what made them really upset about this whole thin9. lonelySeahorse- Today at 8:14 AM LS: all the fightin an shit that surrounded him wwhen he came into existance LS: oh! aight okay periodicPsychosis - Today at 8:14 AM PP: if i can be honest, clams. PP: at least im 9ivin9 her somethin9. lonelySeahorse- Today at 8:15 AM LS: yeah an i mean it's LS: quite the turnaround LS: from before i mean LS: kinda broadsided the both of us wwith your tone in the wwhole thing but i can see noww it was more than likely just a mis-readin on our parts periodicPsychosis - Today at 8:15 AM PP: the more ive thou9ht about the situation the an9rier ive become. lonelySeahorse- Today at 8:16 AM LS: evverythin seems pike a challenge these days but uh LS: thats wwhat happens wwhen evveryone's havin issues LS: just a wwhole lotta. stress. LS: oh LS: then not a misreadin, just anger pike i thought periodicPsychosis - Today at 8:17 AM PP: this isnt exactly a 'one emotion 9et it done' type deal. PP: i had my arm cut off by someone so deeply entan9led in my family that i cant just remove that threat. PP: at first i was scared that if i was ever an9ry, that if anyone was an9ry for me, she would hurt me a9ain. PP: i was quiet and complacent and 9uilty because i didnt want to 9et hurt. PP: but im SICK of actin9 like that. PP: im SICK OF BEIN6 SCARED. PP: vati hurt me ONCE and i havent STOPPED feelin9 scared of everyone i meet since! PP: do you know that abby talks to arch??? arch tortured wiz worse than anyone out of the bunch! abby talks to arch for protection! PP: so yes, im an9ry! but i swallowed most of that an9er because i knew if i didnt, then i was 9oin9 to do somethin9 i would really re9ret. PP: so i didnt. and i talked to felide. and i made my offer. PP: so she can either take it (with whatever clarifications she needs) or not PP: but im done with bein9 scared. lonelySeahorse- Today at 8:20 AM LS: i don't care if you're angry honestly you'vve gotta right to be an so does she LS: anywway aboat those three things periodicPsychosis - Today at 8:20 AM PP: ph my 6OD lonelySeahorse- Today at 8:27 AM LS: aight i'm gonna talk about your three conditions LS: you didn't set a timelimit on this an don't set one now, please, because it's just gonna givve out a wwhole lotta pressure on her an that's the last thing anyone needs right noww LS: twwo LS: if wwe havve dinner altogether, it needs to be after she an sally do their differences an apologies obvviously LS: an for that it's gonna take time LS: i promise you i'm wworkin wwith her on it. wwe had a convversation two days ago aboat sally an vvis an howw she needs to swwallow her codamn selfishness an anger an talk at them LS: it's just gonna take time an i ain't sure how much LS: i knoww they've talked before an they said they missed each other an they said they lovved each other but i think it's somethin they gotta work up towards LS: if you wwant i can keep you updated on that LS: as for vvis i uh LS: talked to her aboat that too an i put it in a wway that she understood LS: she showwed regret for wwhat she'd done, an understandin as to howw badly it fucked evverythin up LS: she knowws she wwas in the wwrong an i'vve made no holdbacks on tellin her so LS: she's wworkin on vvis too an i think that one wwill come. easier LS: i'll agree to your conditions but i'm puttin some of my owwn up LS: i need time LS: i mean i guess you can givve us a deadline but you nevver fuckin knoww wwhat might happen to take that awway, the kids are gone an there's still a good chance wwe ourselves could find ourselvves in some sorta fight with some sort of empress LS: they'vve assured me it's fine but i still fuckin wworry aboat that shit LS: second LS: dinner has to be in a third party location. not your hivve or mine, because both options wwill have the opposite party on edge LS: i'm thinkin vvis' hivve LS: i'll organize dinner tho unless u havve any claims to it or uh, wwant to help too, i fuckin lovve organizin nice dinners an shit ZZ3B) LS: wwearin nice clothes an all that unless uh, you wwanted it to be a more casual dinner? i unno, wwhenevver someone says dinner i think a fancy formal silvver platter sorta things LS: lastly LS: i understand feelin scared LS: i feel scared around sal still LS: an pike... if it helps, i'll make an effort to be there wwhenevver she's there wwith you or near you LS: so she wwon't lose it pike she did LS: so neither a you get hurt periodicPsychosis - Today at 8:29 AM PP: there is no time limit. PP: and the dinner i had planned was at my hive. for yule. PP: so i 9uess thats a kind of time limit but its the one i had in mind. PP: its a casual event. im makin9 dinner for the whole clade. everyone is 9oin9 to be there, everyone i can wrassle up. PP: so she should be there too. PP: id rather you hadnt put my emotions last on your to do list but whatever. PP: the moment has passed. lonelySeahorse- Today at 8:29 AM LS: yule, fuck, i almost forgot LS: cod this swweep is goin by fast LS: too fuckin fast periodicPsychosis - Today at 8:30 AM PP: and if she does 'lose it'. PP: i assure i wont be needin9 your defense. lonelySeahorse- Today at 8:30 AM LS: evverythin just. blurs. i blink an its been twwo wweeks ugh LS: cho i'm gonna tell you somefin periodicPsychosis - Today at 8:30 AM PP: yule is in december. the 22nd. you have time. lonelySeahorse- Today at 8:33 AM LS: if she loses her temper an goes after you again i'd rather stand in front of her an let her krill me than put this fuckin wwedge betwween evveryone again LS: i mean at that point the stress of the fallout wwill givve me a codamn heart attack anywway so pike LS: yeah LS: but alternativvely if you go after her wwithout proper cause LS: i wwill absolutely do the same for her LS: so you best think ovver real hard your actions if she ain't actively goin after you or yours an you just decide to get in a pre-emptivve first strike aight LS: i'd rather fuckin die than let this happen a second time periodicPsychosis - Today at 8:34 AM PP: im not 9oin9 to fuckin9 attack her. PP: THE WHOLE POINT OF MY OFFER WAS ME NOT ATTACKIN6 HER. PP: BUT IM SICK OF BEIN6 SCARED, CLAMS. PP: I AM THE FEROCITY AND I AM SICK OF BEIN6 TAMED. lonelySeahorse- Today at 8:35 AM LS: then i misunderstood wwhat you said wwhen you said "i assure you i wwon't be needing your defense". periodicPsychosis - Today at 8:35 AM PP: IF SHE COMES AFTER ME A6AIN. lonelySeahorse- Today at 8:35 AM LS: an i apologize for that LS: i just wwanted to make my stance knowwn periodicPsychosis - Today at 8:36 AM PP: i dont. need. your. defense. lonelySeahorse- Today at 8:36 AM LS: i mean to me it just sounded pike a threat so LS: i knoww you don't, cho periodicPsychosis - Today at 8:36 AM PP: if she is a threat to me, i will be a threat back. lonelySeahorse- Today at 8:36 AM LS: but i need mine LS: for me LS: myself periodicPsychosis - Today at 8:36 AM PP: i am not 9oin9 to let her hurt me a9ain. no matter what that takes. lonelySeahorse- Today at 8:37 AM LS: yeah an me too LS: i mean no ones really stopped to ask me howw this shit's affectin me you feel LS: pike LS: you knoww i see vvis' nightmares yeah? or is that a thing you havven't heard yet periodicPsychosis - Today at 8:38 AM PP: clams. PP: i care about you and for that reason i am tellin9 you that ri9ht now is not the time to open up to me. lonelySeahorse- Today at 8:38 AM LS: my point is if i gotta see evveryone fightin like that again i ain't gonna be happy an i'm gonna LS: try to prevvent it best i can periodicPsychosis - Today at 8:38 AM PP: i am too an9ry. PP: i need to 9o eat. lonelySeahorse- Today at 8:41 AM LS: fine. LS: you wwant dinner on the 22nd, an apology to sal, an a promise to vvis LS: no promises on the actual date but i'll see wwhat i can do. LS: until then i think it best that you don't talk to her LS: pike at all, unless she instigates it or it's important LS: aight LS: aight. consider this convversation finished.

lonelySeahorse has ceased trolling periodicPsychosis --

[teddy-feathers]

Ive got some issues and all I got was this stupid personality disorder label

Hurting myself isnt an answer.

Substituting physical for emotional pain doesn't work ive tried.

But half the time it seems like its the only way to prove things are tearing me up inside and it matters you know?

People dont take your pain seriosuly if youre not an active danger to yourself and others.

How ever since 2012 - we wont get into the shit in 2011/2010 - i have wrecked my car intentionally at least twice to get out of something,

I have cut my arm open and made up a ridiculous story that everyone bought (and still tell people because it is sort of funny and totally something 'I' would do) because it makes more sense then what really happend - I was trying to get out of a conversation i didnt want to have

I ran away to Pittsburg without a word to anyone because it was the first flight leaving that was going someplace that didn't make sense for me to go

I commited fraud - actually for the second time in my life though this time was much different and kinda a fluke - pulled all my cash, took a bua ride to virgina where I was on the street for two days before finding the homeles shelter

Didn't talk to anyone I knew for over a year with one exception that I dont want to get into

Agreed to come home to a place I didn't want to be, to go to school despite not wanting to because it was the 'right' thing to do

Stopped going to classes no matter how.hard I tried to force myself

While for a while i DID get a shrink I stopped going to see her too even though that did make every thing more bearable

I literally find it unsafe for me to drive because the urge to wreck is constant, with some minor urges to just drive away and never come back

I DID wreck my moms car because I was rushing because going to work is such a trial I will watch the time approach until its too late or almost to late before going despite WANTING to be there

Ive lost my job because I simple stopped going because I couldn't STAND them saying nice things about me when I felt like I was fucking all the things up

At my current job I sometimes do go hide in the bathroom to calm down, or have vauge out days where I'm not really there even though Im there.

Ive been really anxious when I do just about anything except when Im not and then I think I'm just psyching myself out for the attention - even though EVERYTHING in me says ANY attention is bad attention

I basically only want to sleep. Get up. Go to work. Come home. Sleep. Get up. Dinner time and or shower. Back to sleep.

Only i dont always just sleep sometimes i just lay there very much not present while I scroll through tumblr because its the only medium i dont actually have to focus on.

I dont read or write or doodle or play games or do much of anything because it makes me uncomfortable. I cant focus. Feel guilty. I should be doing xyz. Bored despite really wanting to do this.

I dont talk to my friends much and part of that is the schedule - im up at five so im usually going to bed when people are free or at work.

But honestly I can feel how much time I somehow lose or waste like a sweater thats shrunk in the wash.

I shower only once to twice a week which is about the time I finally notice im gross and realize I have to do something about it or people will care

I know some of my current issue is the season but this isnt a new thing or even a dramatic worsening of the state of affairs in my life.

This is the norm it just feels worse right now.

And that's kind of terrifying.

I have very casual disregard for my wellbeing

Im apathetic or angry or want to die...

I want to suffer in a way that's physical and people care about so I can feel valid and not broken

But i dont want help because nothing is wrong

Im being dramatic

And any attention is bad attention

Because i cant explain yes I'm suffering and this is hard for me why must you go out of your way to make it worse dad - without also feeling like oh I dont tell or show him how im hurting at all and when I do its not in a way that makes him take it seriously and never has he ever changed

And it's not just him though its hard to focus on not being upset at him because every thing I normally DONT deal with comes flooding up whenever something new happens

It's... How I don't need people to treat me like I'm glass. To be sympathetic or sad at me. But itd be nice to be able to call in because I'm too scared to go to work. Or leave early because I can't hold it together this long.

And its terrifying to know that maybe my brain just doesn't handle stress well enough to work a full eight hour shift, or five days straight of work. That it takes a full day to recover from stress and during that time Im basically useless and not going to do much in the way of chores or what not.

And though I will on the second there's also a chance the doldrums will set in and going to work will feel like an impossibility the next day.

I'm not making enough money working what I am. I cant afford to cut back.

Just like I can't afford surviving another car wreck.

Just like going to a mental institute or a hospital because I cut my arm open or stabed myself in the leg or a dozen other things or just decided to draw red lines on my arm with a paring knife because even though it doesnt help it might make me feel like my pain is real even though doing it would instantly invalidate it because its for attention that I dont want not only wouldnt help but would make my life worse.

Im just. Sick of my own bullshit. And even if I could find another shrink I like, I couldnt garentee Id keeping going - hell I dont want to go right now even though I want to - and I sure as hell couldn't afford it.

Im tired of being a burden.

I dont want to be here - I shouldnt be here - and laziness and avoidance of conflict is the only reason I havent worked on going anywhere else.

I do bad on my own. Emotionally and in the taking care of myself department. But I also cant say I'm reliable for any stretch of time. Short bursts yes but not consistantly cause brain likes to avoid and run and panic and fall apart. So it also seems pointless to plan to go anywhere because I'll fuck myself over before too long.

I'm just not okay.

And I'm tired of not being okay.

And I'm upset and emotional and maybe just maybe

If i write enough of this down Ill drown it out in the senseless rambling of my own thoughts.