#hoo boy hello depression

[lostlosersclub]

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

•hello. my name is niccolo, or nico for short. my pronouns are he/they/xe/it. i am a gay demiaroace gnc boy. •i am a minor. i block freely. •i struggle a lot with my mental health. i use this blog quite often to vent. •if i seem to be in crisis, please do not try to cheer me up. it wont work. •i have a discord server. feel free to ask for the link any time. •ask to be my mutual. •please do not ask if we are friends / call me your friend unless we are close. •i have a rough time with communication. please use tonetags.

WARNINGS.

blog owner struggles with following issues. browse at your own risk. vents are always tagged. all are diagnosed or suspected by doctors. •autism •adhd •ocd •potential bpd •potential ptsd •anorexia •anxiety •panic disorder •chronic depression

this includes discussion of:

•sh •suicidal thoughts •self starving •dysmorphia •weight issues •intrusive thoughts

tag system:

special interests:

• osemanverse

• pjo, hoo, toa

• spiderman

• car seat headrest

tv shows:

• brooklyn 99

• community

• the owl house

• amphibia

• adventure time

• shera princess of power

• what we do in the shadows

• scott pilgrim (movie, books, and show)

video games:

• stardew valley

• sally face

• night in the woods

• the quarry

• the sims

misc:

• gore (tagged under #tw gore and #i love gore)

• greek mythology

kins:

• nico di angelo (pjo) (headcannons here!)

• hunter (toh)

• charlie spring (heartstopper)

hobbies:

•instruments (drums, guitar, bass, and piano)

•drawing

•reading

other socials:

•pinterest: St4rryN1ghtm4r3

•discord: mutuals can dm me for link

•roblox: dead_boyy0

☆i think thats all, bye☆

[boxenstopp]

previous one here (ep 1)

EPISODE 2 OF CZECH IT OUT GOING INSANE TIME

LETS GO!!

omfg i love these boys so much. anyway shadow here calls them "double Ms" and carzzy makes, probably an innuendo by telling him to get between his legs? marek then, in the intro, says stuff about double m two, and refers to them as "me and matyas" which first of all. he says matyas!! second of all, the says matyas? without the š?? could be english-izing.

carzzy then with the. and this is literally all i can think of when i hear/see it. beauty vlogger intro. "hello guys :)" but his eyes look completely dead i love it so much.

then there's a cut because you know these bitches were just awkwardly staring into the camera for far too long.

NOW. HAIR SAGA. carzzy needs to check his hair with his phone (fucking girl) and humanoid just starts messing with his too like I GET IT GUYS. YOURE LITTLE PRINCESSES. humanoid and his movement actually like he thinks he's in a hair commercial. and then.

needs to bump into carzzy because while carzzy is loud about being an attention whore and everyone knows it, humanoid is also one, just. more private about it or something (not really if i'm pointing it out here) probably planning something devious.... like calling carzzy hot.

NEXT. i always do a watch of these beforehand so i know what i'm getting into but honestly. always makes me gasp when humanoid leans over and just says "you're so fucking hot, oh my god" . like okay he can do that sure but normally that's a backing down type thing not a teehee i want attention from by bf. cannot overstate how much this means to me foaming at the mouth im normal guys im normal

also nothing except humanoid has. arms. and carzzy says he's "lost it mentally" but i mean we all knew that already.

THIS FRAME. a) carzzy with the eyes b) the fact that he actually leans towards marek like he's going right baby? hmm? good midlaner!!

also marek has the "backing down" face again cause his ryze got countered by the pantheon oh no :<<< he also does a little apologetic look down at back at carzzy like he's ashamed. this also makes carzzy laugh way too hard cause i mean, free insult for him xdd.

THEN. the synchronized stomped "to the floor" is AMAZING because they look so fucking proud like yes guys WE GOT IT.

so far no "marek brazda"s :( also genuinely i need to state how much these guys are pretty much the same around each other. constant just blatant insults, intense neediness same fucking humor all of it. there is no like needy/patient angle to me. humanoid would call himself the patient one sure, but he is WRONG.

really good carzzy face here btw. what he looks like in my mind 24/7.

+ bullying carzzy time! poor little sad baby can't hit an mf ult and it's call his fault until it isn't :( he goes on to go boo hoo actually it's reallt hard to hit an ult and it relies on MY team who were doing shit and ACTUALLY they were calling me a perfect player like yesterday so whose fault is it >:(

humanoid's face when carzzy claims that he'd called carzzy a perfect player

here we also get one of the stupidest dom/sub moments because really i don't know what else to call it. carzzy says humanoid shouldn't talk cause he isn't allowed. and then as a little funny joke haha humanoid pitches his voice disgustingly high and says. fucking. "yes i agree master" i mean he regrets it immediately after but he still said. that.

THE THING I TALKED ABOUT LAST EP . where one of them just entirely backs down and goes actually youre the fucking best thing in the universe. and this time it's marek and he's cute and stuff about it and actually very thought through explanation of how carzzy carries the entire team 1v9 <3 i mean not that this is a standard, he goes right back to insulting carzzy's elise but the dynamic of it is so so good chomping on thoughts rn

next segment is just humanoid making noises :)

carzzy goes on a rant about how he was sad and crying and depressed (but in a teehee way if that makes sense. in a :3 way.) and like any normal person humanoid GETS UP, has a weird scuffle and pulls carzzy's hood over his head. i mean you could argue carzzy initiated it but they're always on the verge of bodying each other. classic carzzynoid behavior love how they never explain shit youre just supposed to sit and stare like wtf

FINALLY THE ENDING. YOU DONT UNDERSTAND HOW CZECH IT OUT TORTURES ME. BUT THE ENDING. IS EVEN MORE TORTUROUS.

THIS SHIT. i have no comment i feel like if i did it would be exactly this. silence. they do this shit in complete silence. (we also get a bit of a bi thing w carzzy and humanoid saying i love you which is a thing. they do. but im also so tired goodnight lol enjoyers.)

VIDEO END.

final thoughts: ouwghdhwja. ahhhooaaaaaa. every time i watch one of these i go damn, they posted this? they went, hmm, this is good for out branding. 2 disasters trying to overcome their disaster-ly mess and come out on the other side exactly the same, just way more fucking annoying aboutit. what am i even saying anymore. also no marek brazda's :( too busy being gay ig

[super-novatuna]

Discussing/Going Slightly Crazy over Tears of Themis Main Story 09: Grey Frontier, a Post

will definitely contain spoilers under the cut!

HOO BOY TALK ABOUT MORE QUESTIONS THAN ANSWERS. NONE OF MY PREVIOUS QUESTIONS WERE ANSWERED AND NOW I HAVE MORE HOLY MOLY

my heart dropped when i didn't see a Trial level. more questions, less answers.

let's start by discussing the squares in the little bingo made by @/actualbird, who i will not tag because i do not want to spoil him accidentally. thank u zak for ur services :D

one thing to note is that there are NO bingos this chapter, mainly because one thing most of us probably didn't expect lmao: NXX SEPARATED.

unthinkable. unimaginable. like there's practically NO team stuff in ch9. that's insane. artem was flooded with heirson cases, vyn was dealing with.. whatever the fuck he was doing, marius was presumably busy with managing the backlash of the trial in 08, and that leaves luke, who even though is the one that mc can tag along with for a case is still busy on his own with nsb stuff. hardly any teamwork happening, besides if you count marius' "interrogation" where luke gave him his button back and vyn just guiding mc to figure out what the suicide notes meant... yeah. not to mention artem being skye's attorney???. 99% Win Rate Artem Wing. hello. I have never been more confused. what's the plot behind this? are they all orchestrating a behind-the-scenes plan that'll come together, or are they really all doing their own shit? I'm leaning more towards the former given the nature of the game but gosh this is taking a TURN

translation errors were a lil funny but i could still understand the point which is all i need.

vyn doesn't say anything ominous but saying kys out of nowhere counts a little i think.

jerome 🫰 hes cute but he's uncanny and I'm so curious as to what he's up to. telling the little girl to get marius to pay was nice but there must've been an underlying intention.

no nxx team meeting (i mean with luke and artem. that barely counts because artem was so busy he just let luke have her).

mc figured out abt luke's illness but from what I'm seeing nothing is quite clear and she doesn't know he's got three years oof. artem has a clue but I'm sure he knows nothing either. and marius and vyn have their suspicions but nothing's sure or confirmed.

LUKE PROTECT ROSA !!! YEAHHHH watch ur back u bitchass macho king

do parallels btwn skye and the incident with luke in the hospital count as symbolism idk I'm counting it. i think there's some symbolism a little bit.

for our romantic moment before something terrible happens, ah yes, sweet and worried words on a phone call and then luke has a whole episode. yay. delightful. luke don't fucking die.

no tot story would be complete without an absurd mid-story debate. damn, right in front of the secret nsb station???

no weird luke gadget 😔 sorry he was busy being sick

found family? they aren't even together the marluke moment was barely anything. artem worried about luke having an episode... counts a little. not enough to warrant even a question mark 😔

no nxx meeting, no hilarious bullshit from a boy. sad.

WHAT IS THE TIMELINE SHAKES HYV WHAT IS GOING ON

free space luke is dying

AARON YIPPEEE. good dad.

vincent is a good boy but no intel from him. just him being Best Assistant. Bestest ever.

I didn't cry but i am close to a mental breakdown

LUKE DEPRESSION ASHDJKWKW poor guy.

not sure if Emotionally Charged and Slight Conflict counts as an argument but personally i think kinda?

no baldr because NO TRIAL AAHFJSJJSK

not only do i have more questions about the new Big Bad but I have questions about WHATEVER THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH THE WHOLE TEAM.

voice acting 🔛🔝 as always.

NO COURT 😓😓😓😭😭😭

marius was pretty badly injured what the hell WHERE'S HIS PERSONAL BODYGUARD AJDJFWJ LUKE CAN U DO A LIL FAVOR PERHAPS

artem? almost no artem. AND NO CAPTAIN MORGAN IN THIS STORY AT ALL 🥹🥲

luke's hands. r so pretty. in both goddamn illustrations. eeeee

okay and that's all the bingo points sorted, most of it sorted. two other things that piqued my interest was

1. skye harper. she loves taking care of people and she hates seeing people suffering. gerard suffered because of his mom and so many patients suffered because of tyson turner. she wants to protect her patients and the people she favors. i support her actions btw she's so cool for that. artem also supports her so that's a point in our favor! i also think her drinking all night when gerard disappeared definitely is relevant somehow, we'll see in the next chapter.

2. mc is probably feeling a little left out ngl. everyone's got their own thing, and she can't really actively participate in much because she got doxxed and her personal life is being pried into. and she can't do much about anything, not even help artem for some reason, and she's definitely having a personal conflict especially with luke's... everything. i just love mc's character so much i hope she snaps soon tbh.

thus ends my crazy goings. if u read all the way here kudos have a cookie 🍪

and when we get to the whole team about luke's illness... rubs hands together. hoo boy ch10 is going to go CRAZY.

ALSO the nsb is definitely shady and marius does not trust em all that much. i think he trusts luke but his affiliation with the nsb is causing some distance. aaa.

[cherrybombfangirlwrites]

5, 8, and 9 for the disability asks!

Hello there!

Disability Asks~

5. if you have multiple disabilities: do they affect each other? how?

I do have multiple disabilities. I have autism, adhd, anxiety, and depression. (Also a boatload of religious trauma but that doesn't really count as a disability.)

and Hoo boy do they! My adhd and autism are constantly fighting against each other it seems, as my needs for either are radically different. For instance, my adhd craves adventure and variety, while my autism needs rigid structure and predictability or i will breakdown. making sure the needs of both are met is a very fine line.

and my experience throughout the day will be radically different depending on who is driving the bus that is my brain: if adhd is driving we're going at least a hundred miles per hour, loud rock music is blasting through the speakers, and autism is tied up in the passenger seat, desperately trying to get free. if autism is driving, we are going exactly the speed limit not a mile over or under, classical music playing at just the right volume on the speakers, and adhd is in the backseat trying to light a firecracker. of course there are days where they're both at the wheel fighting tooth and nail over it, and then very rare days where they work together to make my day even worse.

my autism/adhd also makes my anxiety and depression worse, with time blindness and forgetfullness, the sheer intensity of emotions that I feel, or just plain internalized ableism making me feel worse about myself. (thinking about requesting to go on adhd meds to help with that, but we're just not sure yet)

8. does your disability affect how you experience other parts of your identity? (gender, queerness, culture, even hobbies/life goals you're very passionate about)

I don't think about this much, but it does. I've never noticed or thought about it much, but there does tend to be a correlation between neurodivergency and queerness, especially genderqueerness. It may or may not be due to my disabilty, it may be due to my aroaceness, it may be due to the religious trauma, or maybe even all of them- but I am very disconnected from the idea of gender all together, and I'm forever confused about the concept of gender as a whole.

In the aroace aspect, due to my autism, sexual innuendos and romantic innuendos and or flirting do tend to go over my head, unless I notice the pattern and pick up on it or someone tells me that's what's happening. But make no mistake, I tend to also have the dirtiest mind in my friend group and can make the best sex jokes- it's just that when it comes to me personally I may miss when people are trying to flirt with or hit on me (also, side note, is there a difference between flirting and hitting on someone? or are they the same thing? I can't tell).

9. How do you measure your energy (spoons, battery, something else?)

(already answered, but I think i'll copy and paste my answer here because it's very detailed and i like it)

I can't remember who or where, but a while back someone on the internet introduced me to a theory that more accurately describes my energy than spoon theory or battery ever did: ✨Ticket Theory✨.

Ticket Theory is similar to spoon theory, but more accurate for executive dysfunction and the thing where autistics/ADHDers have a lot of energy but can't do certain things. Here's how it works:

each ticket is one unit of energy

the tickets are each labeled with specific tasks or activities

the amount of tickets i get and what they're labeled with are never consistent or predictable

the tickets can and will expire quickly without warning

i cannot exchange, refund, or get back any tickets

I have zero control over how many tickets I get and what task they will be labeled with or how long they will last

and i can only use a ticket for the task/activity it is specifically labeled with.

For instance: it may have a lot of 'dishes' tickets, but no 'laundry' tickets, this means I may have a lot of energy, but no laundry is getting done while dishes will, no matter what I do. I may have a bunch of 'art' tickets, but no tickets for anything else, so even though I have a ton of energy the only thing getting done is art, despite how much I want and need to do tasks like cleaning or hygiene. and the worst one of all: I have tickets for everything, all the tasks and chores and activities- but the one thing I don't have a ticket for is getting out of bed. <- it's like having tickets for every ride at a theme park EXCEPT FOR A TICKET TO GET INTO THE PARK ITSELF, and it is so fucking frustrating.

This theory has been so helpful for explaining to impatient people or neurotypicals who just don't understand why I may have a lot of energy, but things I want to get done or need to get done won't get done no matter how much I want to or try. And it's honestly been more helpful to help myself understand what's going on in my head. Before being introduced to ticket theory, I used spoon theory, but it didn't quite fit and just made others more confused about my dysfunction and the randomness to my energy levels.

Thanks Anon!

[dirtbag-linecook-kyloren]

(evermore anon again, hello) i agree with all your tswift/kylux opinions omg i love projecting things onto them

also im pretty sure the term champagne problems means something similar to a first world problem? idk why theyd name a cocktail after that, also its not a happy song?? it doesnt make me wanna have a fun drink with dinner i wanna curl up under a blanket lol

YES EXACTLY YOU GET IT

Like that song is DEPRESSING WHY ATE WE NAMINF A COCKTAIL AFTER IT

ignore that the market for our restaurant and swifties is TWO SEPARATE CIRCLES

And hoo boy you give me an album I can ALWAYS project more. The soundtrack for my beauty blogger kylo Au is ENTIRELY Taylor Swift Songs

[lovebunnie]

oh golly gosh i didnt really expect anyone to respond to this so i guess ill explain whats goin on also im just gonna vomit type and ignore the read more because 1. im on mobile and 2. this is my blog ive been writing for more than half my life, believe it or not fan fiction all the way back when i was a lot younger. i used to write invader zim fan fiction and it was my real first fandom that made me look into everything it had to offer its impossible for me to think that i havent improved atleast a little bit since then, but i feel as though in the 3 years times ive truly dedicated myself to writing i havent really improved too much. all my destiel pieces look like my overwatch pieces and it sucks to see yourself stuck in one place for so long. thats really the meat of the problem: i know what it takes to make a good story but i cannot execute it. its clear as day in my head but i absolutely detest my own writing to the point that i want to delete it all and erase any evidence that i wrote. most recently, my fic has gotten the most reads of anything ive ever made and has eaten up the most time, since i started scripting it out in late September. back when i updated weekly, i did it to keep the most people engaged and get as many reads as possible. now i cant even look at the chapters because they seem so shoddy and poorly executed. its a bad fic and now the pressure to keep people happy is on me like never before and its exhausting. i want to give out good content but everything I write i hate and im absolutely sick of it. ive been told people like my reading and i million other people could tell me that but i hate it so much and it makes me sad and angry to do it so i figured why do i keep doing it? i have so many ideas to express and no way to do it. i cant draw, i cant write, i dont have enough followers for people to give a shit about what i have to say, no one irl likes what i like. it makes me wanna scream im just so stuck and have been for the past three years. writing is destroying me and i dont want to do it anymore. ill update my fic because i promised and only because i promised but after that i dont know what ill do.

[serenity-songbird]

hi hello! if you're taking requests rn can i ask general boyfriend hcs with kenny, craig and butters (male reader is preferable but it's fine if you don't write male readers ^^) thanks in advance!

Hello!!!! Thanks for requesting!!! Of course I write for male readers!!! Love is love.

-Hoo boy. You better be prepared because this boy can and will flirt with you all the time. He will flirt til your red in the face and stuttering.

-You better believe some of those flirts are sexual. I mean come on its Kenny.

-When the two of you first started dating Cartman made a lot of gay quips. It wasn't until you beat the shit out of him that he stopped. (Kyle and Kenny thought it was hilarious by the way).

-Just like the whole Tweek and Craig situation, the whole town was super invested in your love life. Except in this case, Kenny was all for the attention.

-You better believe Kenny will pull you in the Janitor's closet during school and leave hickeys across your neck. (Better always have a scarf handy).

-You constantly will spoil Kenny and always make him homemade lunches and, of course, have dinner dates at your house.

-Kenny wishes he could spoil with gifts and take you on nice romantic dates in restaurants, but despite being poor he will do his damndest to make you fell special.

-Okay, so we see how much Craig supports Tweek so you'd better believe he'll support you.

-Do you have anxiety or depression? Baby don't worry Craig has got you. You need comfort and cuddles? Craig is at your house in 5 minutes with your favorite blanket, movies, and snacks.

-He will hold your hand and if anybody says some shit about it, he will absolutely flick them off and say, "Fuck off, asswipe."

-Craig may always be stoic, but in the very rare moments he does lose control of his emotions, you are always there to help him through it.

-His dad secretly collects fanart of you two. You accidentally found it one day when you were looking for a snack. You really liked one of the paintings and took it. It is currently hanging in your room.

-Team Craig thinks you're cool and you have officially joined the group. You guys hang out all the time and join them on their crazy adventures.

-Craig will cage you against the wall between his arms because he likes the way you blush and stutter. He will give you that smirk that makes you weak everytime.

-He loves you and will kick the asses of anyone who dares speak I'll of you.

-Butters is such a precious cinnamon roll and you love him with all your heart.

-You hate the fact that everybody just rips on Butters all the time. You will fight everybody and anybody who dares hurt your boyfriend.

-One time when his Dad grounded him for another ridiculous reason, you literally burst down the door and caused a scene about how ridiculous it was.

-It took a lot convincing on Butter's part to convince his dad to let you allowed in the house again.

-Ever since you started dating, Butters gained more confidence in himself and you taught him how to defend himself. (Don't be fooled, he is still gullible and naive and you have to, you know, get him out of a lot of situations mainly caused by the others).

-Butters is such a sweet boyfriend. He will always give you cuddles, hugs, and kisses whenever he can. For once, he can say he truly feels loved and important.

-When you first started dating, Butters' father did not approve of the relationship. Sure the whole town is progressive and gays are great, but his son was not allowed to be gay.

-For the first time in his life, he stood up to his dad and told him off. It didn't matter if he got grounded, he was not going to lose the best thing to ever happen to him.

-It took a very long time, but eventually you were accepted into the stotch family. You and Butters could not be happier.

[facepalming-since-chernobyl]

Season 2: Lena accidentally helps bring about an alien invasion. Season 3: Lena hides Reign's identity, making it harder to stop her. Season 4: Lena accidentally creates Agent Liberty with her bad actions. Season 5: Lena tries to brainwash the world, clearing the way for Lex to attempt the same. Season 6: Lena suggests killing thousands. But hey check out her witch powers, whoo hoo!

A lil correction:

Season 2: Lena produces a device that helps humans identify aliens withiout their consent (on a second note , it violates humans rights too), her amazing portal affects a whole group of aliens who destroyed and damaged a big part of NC and are BLAMED, while it's not their fault - later in s4 it is used by alienphobes to rise alienphobia amoung humans

Season 3: Lena lies about having kryptonite, tries to commit blood ass murder on Edge

Season 4: Lena steals black kryptonite, prodcues it, performs illegal experiments on human depressed boy, while lying about her identity and the real goal. Her human subject dies and she doesn't pay any consequences of it. She produces serum that can make people equal to aliens (hello alienphobia) aka she plays god. She supports openly aliephobic president with the results of her experiments, what ends with making Agent Liberty super powerful and dangerous. Also, she murders Lex while playing judge and jury

Season 5: Lena intend and plan to hurt Kara and she does in the end, while hurting her mentaqlly and physically (tortrue with Krypotnite). She kidnaps Eve, does medial experiments on her without consent, put nanorobots in her body, rapes her mind and make her a slave in her own body - we can speculate if Eve was dead in the end or not. Then orders Hope Pretending To Be Eve to kidnap her and blames her on her own crimes. She kidnaps and exeriments on Jonn's brother and Russel. She brainwashes and threatens to kill Russel to steal medalion from Andrea. She happily supports and works along Lex, a dude she MURDERED becasue he was oh so bad, aka the mass murderer and the worst person you can imagine. Then, stops working with him ONLY BECAUSE he outsmarted her and manipulated. She doesn't even apologize properly and excuse her whole horrible actions of being hurt and in a dark place.

Season 6: ignores Kelly's calls, chills with Andrea , while Kara rots in Phantom Zone

Seasons 2-6: polluts my screen with her face and forces me to watch the biggest example of white privilege in tv history, while biting her lip and having two bitchy faces.

[lokigayforhela]

Tantamount, Chapter Two

WC: 1201

Rating: G

TW: None

A/N: Hello, all! I just want to say thank you for all the interest in this little fic. I kinda came up with the idea on a whim, and now I have a whole document just for plotting and planning it out to work with both MCU canon AND the What If... episode canon, so like... hoo boy. Anyway, enjoy this chapter!

[AO3 Link]

Previous Chapter .......... Next Chapter

Chapter Two: Stalemate

You spent the better part of a fortnight in much the same manner as you had for as long as you had been in your cage.

You slept, you woke, you ate the meals transported into your cage, and killed time until you had to go back to sleep. Rinse. Repeat.

The only difference was that you now had the discordant noise of the new prisoner as background music to your days.

You really had assumed she would tire of the whole ordeal after a while, just as all the others always did, especially with the way she had seemed to wear herself out entirely after just a few minutes of doing so the first day she’d been there. Yet every morning, like clockwork, you woke to the sound of her banging on the glass of her cage while she growled strings of insults and curse words, and every night, you fell asleep in the same way, the anger in her voice so palpable that you swore you could feel the words like hot coals burning in the air between your cages.

The first few days, it was admittedly a little amusing and entertaining. You’d never seen someone react to being put in a cage quite like this stranger.

Then it was sad, to think that she actually thought that she might get somewhere if she just kept it up for a little while longer.

And then it was just plain frustrating, and mildly annoying, to have even the sound of your own voice in your head drowned out by her pure fury.

You could tell the others were getting tired of it, as well, though they weren’t nearly as kind about it as you were. They would yell profanities and their own threats at her in a desperate attempt to get some peace and quiet for just a bit. But usually that would just result in her insulting them back, which would then turn into a screaming match so passionate that you swore you could hear others in the near vicinity placing bets on who would have the final word.

She certainly had fire, you could admit as much.

But you just wanted some peace and quiet again, so you could go back to moping about your circumstances to yourself.

It was late on the twelfth evening (you thought; time seemed to pass differently when you were caged in a room with no light and no way to tell how the days passed other than sleeping), when you finally decided enough was enough, and you heaved a sigh, sitting up and looking over at the woman’s cage.

“Could you please give it up, it’s not going to work!” You had meant for your voice to have a little more bite to it, but you were tired, sad, and were going on three days with a headache from all the continued noise, and you were desperate for some respite.

To your surprise, she did actually stop banging against the cage. But when she turned to look at you, you could see the absolute rage in her eyes, though you weren’t entirely sure it was really directed at you.

“It isn’t my fault the rest of you have all succumbed to this depressing place. Tell me, what’s so appealing about being locked in a cage, having your food brought to you like an animal? Hm? Perhaps the appeal is in the ability to sit here and do nothing all day, every day, is that it? Is that why you’re all so content to just sit here and take it?”

You blinked at her, not entirely sure that you had understood what she was implying. “You think we like being in these cages? You think we enjoyed being ripped away from everything and everyone we’ve ever known to be put here on display like an object meant purely for adoration?! We had lives! We had families and loved ones and homes. Just like you did!”

The woman scoffed. “And yet here you are, content to sit in your little cage and be looked at. Pathetic.”

“Me? You think I’m the one that’s pathetic? You’re screaming to someone who doesn’t. give. a shit. And he never will! You’re just a decoration to him! A pretty little relic to be admired. And it doesn’t matter how much you kick and fight and scream, that won’t change anything! You lost! You’ve. Lost.”

That finally seemed to give her pause, and she looked at you, and for a moment, you swore you could see actual hurt in her gaze. And then it disappeared, replaced with a much more muted, defeated anger. “I don’t lose.”

“Apparently, you do.” You didn’t mean to say it so meanly, but that was how it came out, and there was no changing it, even as the woman went back to scowling.

For a long moment, that was all that she did, and you were just about to lay back down to try and get some sleep when she finally spoke, voice lacking the bite it had held before. “You would do well not to speak on things that you know nothing about, girl.”

You huffed out a dry laugh, but didn’t turn back to look at her. “My name’s Y/N. You would do well to use it, if you’re going to keep trying to insult me.”

The woman made a noise that sounded slightly of amusement, but when you glanced back over at her, her face was almost infuriatingly expressionless. “You humans are always so sensitive.”

For a moment you considered asking her how she knew you were human just by looking at her, but then she curled up on herself, back to you as she fell silent, and you ended up just looking at her for a long time.

It was obvious that she was angry, and also extremely high on herself, and while those were certainly two things that could coexist together, there was something else about her that you couldn’t quite put a finger on. Something that felt… off. Not right. There was almost a sort of underlying panic to the way she acted. The animosity in her eyes. The way she had looked at you when you told her that it was hopeless. Like she needed it not to be. Like she didn’t know what she was going to do, if there wasn’t a way for her to get out of captivity.

And you couldn’t stop thinking about the way she seemed to get so completely exhausted, like she had that first day she was there. You recalled the Collector mentioning that she was weakened due to Asgard being destroyed, but you weren’t entirely sure you were smart enough to comprehend the full severity of a statement like that.

There was certainly much more to this woman than she was letting on, and you were determined to find out more about her, one way or another.

But for now, you were tired, and for the first time in nearly two weeks, it was quiet.

Deciding to let your thoughts rest for a while, you laid yourself back down, and allowed yourself to fall into a deep, dreamless slumber.

[mooglesorts]

man. it's weird, because there's a lot of things about me that are Very Badger Primary, to the point where i would probably pick it with a strong bird model over anything else at this point... except that i hate dehumanization. i saw primaries described recently as 'things you wouldn't be you anymore if you went against,' and more than just about anything else that's it. even when i think people are monsters, i can't see them as not human; i'd be hard put to define exactly what i consider a 'monster,' but it's more about like. good faith than personhood, i suppose?

it's not necessarily a permanent status to be one--people can change--but my deeply held instinct is that once you have done something monstrous you will always be a person who has been a monster by your own choices, and that it's your duty to learn how to accept that while still living your life, and act accordingly from thereon out. you have to reconcile that you are a person with the fact that some doors are closed to you now, and it's up to you to decide what you do from there.

just. like. even when i hate someone and as far as i'm concerned they can go fuck themself, even in the multiple Heavily Badger social environments i've been in over the course of my life--church, progressive circles, the way the structure of the internet kind of just affects you in general--even on occasions where i've gotten swept away and given in to the pressure to dehumanize (or perform it) for a minute, there's always, always been a voice in the back of my head saying this is a person. this is a person. this is a person. this isn't right.

unintentional dehumanization sets off my '...should we really be doing this? we are getting into not good territory here, it's time to pull up and start questioning' alarms. explicit, intentional, purposeful dehumanization sets off the whole ass tornado sirens. if people on my side are doing it it's enough to throw me into a system-destabilizing crisis, because NO NO NO I WANT TO GET OFF THIS RIDE, I WANT NO PART OF THESE PEOPLE'S MORAL SYSTEM, I FEEL UNCLEAN. it's a good way to make sure i will never, ever, ever trust someone again.

things that are Really Really Badger, off the top of my head (after the cut because Long and trauma talk):

[[MORE]]

---

-i've always loved playing adoptable games, pet simulators, etc? any game with randomly generated characters that are Yours Now and a Community, in a deeply badgery way. including games where they can die (the satisfying part is making sure they don't). except that, no matter how much fun the gameplay is, if it gets to the point where they start feeling disposable, and the only way to really keep playing is to stop humanizing them, i lose interest. it's super fucking depressing. it feels like part of me dying inside a little. i don't like it at all.

-i've always been drawn to fandoms and roleplaying communities. i was fiercely loyal to, and proud of, my first rp community on dragoncave as a 13-year-old. when my abusive mom found out about it and completely isolated me for half a year, the promise of being able to make it back to them--just sneakier this time--kept me going; when i finally got back and the group had drifted apart in my absence, it.... was absolutely devastating. i never really recovered from it. even then, i spent years trying to get the group back together every now and then, until i finally gave up.

-i am always keenly, painfully aware of the life cycle of a community. every time i hear the sentiment 'you guys are all great and i love this group' my stomach drops, because i know it's only a matter of time before things go sour or the group dissolves. rp groups, skype chats/discord servers, fandoms, you name it, i am always bracing myself or staying away entirely to avoid the inevitable and it hurts. and it hurts to see people taking part in a community i don't dare be part of, which makes lurking in fandoms... really rough. frankly, it takes me a lot of courage every time i express my appreciation for the shc community because i've been burned so many times.

-on that note: i went through some really traumatic stuff at the end of 2020 that completely turned my life upside down, and i was doing bad until i stumbled across the shc community. the moment i started engaging, it was a huge boost to my mental health, and my ability to cope with circumstances under which i was about to break down spectacularly. and it has been ever since! contributing to The Group Project and seeing other folks being friendly with each other gives me the happy feelings.

-i used to go out of my way to build and run spaces, mainly fandom and rp spaces, and took a lot of pride in engineering them so that they Functioned Well. unfortunately it wore me the hell down over the years for Burnt Badger Reasons, and now i'm too jaded, bitter, and exhausted to give a shit about being a mod/community leader anymore because of it lmao

-among those burnt badger things i relate HARD to the Red Ledger narrative. hoo boy.

-i wish i could find it again, but there was an mlp comic i saw once which went into luna's observations of what each element of harmony Means. with the element of friendship, she says that twilight has a massive amount of love to give; right now it's all focused on celestia, but when she learns to expand it outward she'll have grown into her full potential as a person, and she'll change the world. that struck a chord with how i used to feel, hard, and it's really stuck with me ever since. (hello, unhealthy snake model)

-emphasis on 'used to feel,' lmao

-got super invested in a really toxic '''mental health''' community at a low point in my life; exploded HARD trying to help everyone i could; got into vicious, protracted fights with the shitty mods for years about the harmful way they ran their community until i finally managed to go 'fuck this it's not getting better' and leave.

-had to numb myself emotionally to the people around me for a long time once i really started learning about mental health and trauma stuff, because now i was seeing signs of their pain and baggage everywhere i looked, and i couldn't handle not being able to help.

-the imagery with which i think about my bird primary is overwhelmingly negative. whether it's my actual primary or a model, i uh. i feel like a healthy relationship to one's primary doesn't involve associating it with gore.

-i saw a conversation recently about how birds think of morality in terms of 'if you can, you should,' and how that's scary for badgers because their definition of 'can' involves destroying yourself for the sake of that 'should,' and... yeah, that's a mood. that's a BIG mood. thinking about bird primary stuff is hard--and i had to pick up my lion model to deal with it--because it's so easy for me to spiral into a self-shredding spiral of other people are counting on you to do the right thing, how dare you pull back for your own health and sanity. how dare you turn your back for even a minute. how dare you rest. the work is never done.

which is... a very exploded badger approach to exploded bird morality. whoops.

-fix-it and time travel fiction in which Everything Went Right This Time and It's Going to Be Okay are one of my very favorite self-indulgent fantasies. i will enjoy putting characters through the wringer in all kinds of creatively horrific ways which may or may not end on a downer note, certainly, i love that shit, but i will also 90% of the time have a backup version of the arc or dynamic that's softer and lighter and Actually Healthy This Time. it's the dichotomy there that really gets me tbh, a story where Everything Ends Happily by default will mmmaybe pull me in? but stories where there's the constant shadow of this could end horribly, it's supposed to end horribly, and we got a happy fucking ending anyway are just... that shit will make me cry, man.

it's also why i kind of really hate stable time loop stories where it initially looks like this is going to be The Good Timeline this time around, but OOPSIE everything went to shit anyway! we're right back where we started, just like it was meant to be all along! it's a tired cliche by this point and an unsatisfying one for me, and it makes me roll my eyes every time.

-this is relevant to the bird vs. badger because like... my gut instinct is to prioritize people over systems. when shit hits the fan, when someone's fallen into the machinery and is about to get hurt, i don't feel right about it if i just let it happen. i'll break the machinery if i have to to keep it away from them; i won't feel great about that, and it might cause problems, but fuck it, we'll figure it out later. throwing people into the gears of a system when i'm convinced it's the only option makes me feel Awful.

-related to the above, another trope that really speaks to me in fiction is when a character defies the rules of reality through sheer force of will. no, this is not happening, i don't give a shit what the limits are supposed to be. i refuse to let this be the way things are. (there's that lion model.)

-i've just kind of... always wanted to be an Everyone Badger. it makes me sad how much of that i've lost over the years as i've gotten more cynical, but it's what i wish i could be.

---

doubtless i'll think of more the moment i hit send, and there are just as many things about me that are Super Bird Primary, but like... mamma mia that's some spicy badger. the main thing stopping me is the Can't and Refuse to Dehumanize bit. i also... hm. i think i can function okay without a community? they just help a lot, and it sucks when i'm confronted with one i don't have a (stable) place in. any thoughts? is it possible for a bird system's foundation to run so deep that eventually it overrides the bird?

[saundraswriting]

Miss Me?

SUMMARY:  Yoon Ji Hoo follows Min Seo Hyun to France but quickly realizes he left something important behind. He decides to return to Korea after helping Min Seo Hyun get settled, to finish what he started.

WARNINGS: Some strong language, but none otherwise. 

NOTES: This is the first of a au/fix-it series I am working on for Boys Over Flowers (The K-Drama). 

You can read it directly on AO3 here. 

Masterlist // AO3 

Geum Jan Di watched her first friend from Shinhwa High walk way,  she couldn't look away from his back, strong and broad. Jan-Di smiled softly until he was swallowed by the crowd and even then she stood, eyes unfocused fingers rubbing where his lips were minutes earlier. 'Good job, sunbae.' She thought before shaking her head slightly.

The other members of the F4 gang stood watching her, all concerned for their new friend. So Yi-Jung and Song Woo-Bin were contemplating how to cheer her up when Gun Jun-Pyo interjected. "Aish, Let's go. I can cheer you up." He reached for her hand but she skipped out of the way.

"Thank but not needed. I am fine. I will miss him but he promised me that he would be happy this way. I decided I am going to trust sunbae. I am going to head home." Jan-Di declined his offer and that second her phone rang. "Hello? Did you get to your gate okay? Sunbae, did you forget something?" She laughed lightly. She listened for a moment. "No. I was just leaving. I will be fine, I told you that two days ago." Jan-Di rolled her eyes. "Safe travels, sunbae. Call me when you land, yeah? I will call Unnie if you don't." She laughed again, before growing quiet. "Bye Ji-Hoo." She snapped her phone shut, taking a deep breath. "Okay, I am now heading home. Woo-Bin sunbae, Yi-Jung sunbae, Jun-Pyo, thank for letting me accompany you to seeing Ji-Hoo sunbae off. I will be leaving first then." She bowed to them before leaving the airport. F3 watching her as she did. 

"You think she will really be okay?" Yi-Jung asked.

Woo-Bin shrugged. "Were they really that close? The had run ins, yeah. but like when did they swap numbers? When did they get this close?"

"Probably Seo-Hyun noona's doing." Yi-Jung said. "Ji-Hoo was saying about how he had plans the other day. Wonder if they had plans together, he had been unreasonably moody a few days ago." 

"Enough about those two. Let's go." Jun-Pyo demanded. The other two nodded and they left the airport.

A few days had passed. Shinhwa High was the same, Jan-Di was bullied by the other students but it wasn't as intense, however some of the girls had taken offense at her being the reason of their beloved Ji-Hoo leaving. Jan-Di was trying to balance school, her family, bullies, a job and the demands the F3 members put on her as their 'mascot'. She had been enjoying her lunch when it was rudely interrupted by a screaming crowd. She looked up expected Yi-Jung and Woo-Bin together or Jun-Pyo by himself based of the shrillness of the screams. However there wasn't anyone by their entrance. She turned back to her lunch but was distracted by a shadow on her table and the complete silence of the room. She looked up, swallowing her last bite of food in her mouth. She jumped up throwing her arms around his neck. 

"Ji-Hoo sunbae! I missed you! Why didn't you tell me you were returning? Wait, why are you here? What about Seo-Hyun unnie? When did you get back? Did you see the others?" Jan-Di rattled off, letting go of Ji-Hoo. Ji-Hoo smiled down at the girl, who was frantically packing up her things. 

"What's wrong?" Ji-Hoo asked. “Didn’t you miss me?”

"It's not my place to offer but I think a venue change will do us both some good. I can feel my skin melting from the heat of the glares coming my way. And you don't like being the center of attention." Jan-Di explained. Ji-Hoo only nodded slightly in agreement, wondering again at how she learned to read him so quickly.

"Since you are only thinking of my benefit, I will suggest the F4 clubhouse. It technically is my place to offer. Shall we?" Ji-Hoo offered his arm and together they slipped through the crowd. Once free Ji-Hoo began answer Jan-Di's questions.

"I wanted to surprise you. That is why I didn't tell you. I came back for a few reasons, Seo-Hyun noona is fine, she told me to tell you hello and also she requests that you text her more often. I got back yesterday but needed to get settled and the guys knew I was coming back. I told them to keep it a secret from you." Ji-Hoo explained while preparing tea. "Yi-Jung kept me up to date on the going-ons over here." He looked at Jan-Di pointedly. she avoided his gaze, able to string a sentence together. She ran her index finger around the rim of her teacup, no longer concerned about her lunch.

"Jun-Pyo and the others kept me company when...I was alone. I would try to get them to lay off but you know how they are." Jan-Di shrugged, still speaking into her cup. "I tried and tried but...but I didn't mind. I will say that they calmed down significantly though, once the newness of me wore off." She smiled up at Ji-Hoo. "Don't worry, I still refuse to call Jun-Pyo sunbae. He seems tense lately though."

Ji-Hoo sat down with a sigh, shaking his head. "I am sorry. I feel responsible for your torment with them. I shouldn't have left." Ji-Hoo took a sip of tea looking into the middle distance. "Jun-Pyo is trying to comprehend where you stand. Not often does he have someone in his life solely for the sake of being there. However your presence may be causing trouble for him as well. We will have to see." Ji-Hoo trailed off. 

"What are you saying, Ji-Hoo sunbae?" Jan-Di asked. Ji-Hoo smiled softly.

"I am not saying anything. I know that a girl like you is shaking things up just by being as close as you are. Take no offense, please." Ji-Hoo ruffled her bangs. "Class will be starting soon. I will see you later." Ji-Hoo helped Jan-Di out of her chair, taking the tea tray out of her hands.

"It's nice to know that I wasn't too late." He murmured under his breath turning away. Jan-Di watched him walk away wanting to ask what he meant but decided to keep quiet.

"Sunbae, I need to hand to the science labs, so I will see you later." Jam-Di said. 

"Better hurry, don't want you being late on account of me and all." Ji-Hoo uncharacteristically hesitated. Jan-Di waited. "Do-Can-I mean-Can I see you after class? I can take you home after?" Ji-Hoo asked. 

"Of course, our spot?" Jan-Di confirmed. He nodded. Jan-Di beamed up at him, eye twinkling and teeth showing. Her happiness making his breath catch. "Ji-Hoo sunbae, I am glad you are back. I missed you."

"What am I supposed to say to that?" Ji-Hoo asked. Jan-di looked up at him in confusion. He huffed a laugh and leaned down bringing his hands up to her cheeks.

Ji-Hoo pressed his lips to Jan-Di's forehead, lingering for a moment. 

"I will see you after class. Now get going." Ji-Hoo pulled away, relishing in the stunned look on Jan-Di's face. ‘Is this how she looked after I kissed her in the airport? How did I ever walk away from her?'

The day came to an end. The school halls echoing with the frantic whispers of the students, rumors already flying about what happened at lunch. Jan-Di was glad for the rumors, it turned everyone's attention away from her and back to F4 who had finally been reconnected. She left her last class nerves finally catching up with her. 'I thought I was over him, but he comes back and I am just as lost as before.' She thought to herself. Distracted as she was, she didn't notice Gu Jun-Pyo right outside, The girls were screaming but she missed even that.

"Hey, Laundry-Girl. You really going to ignore me like that? Where are you manners?" He demanded. Jan-Di stopped, turning to him, dropping into a bow. 

"Sorry, Jun-Pyo. I didn't see you there. Did you need something? I am in a slight hurry. If it can wait, I will call you." Jan-Di said. Jun-Pyo peered at her closely.

"Are you sick or some shit? You are never this nice to me. What is going on with you?" Jun-Pyo demanded. Jan-Di ran her hands through her hair. She reached out and grabbed his hand. 

"Can I ask you a question? Nevermind. I am fine. I have to go." Jan-Di pulled away. Jun-Pyo grabbed her hand again.

"He came all this way for you. He didn't want to leave in the first place. if you have taught me anything, it is to trust in my feelings. Also you are no coward. Just go. okay?" Jun-Pyo said. 

"Gu Jun-Pyo are you trying to cheer me up? The great Gu Jun-Pyo is worried about little old Geum Jan-Di?" Jan-Di laughed, her smile not fading. "I'm not scared, I will have you know."

 "I know that. I was just reminding you. And I am more concerned you depressed attitude would have on my friends. especially Ji-Hoo if you planned on rejecting him." Jun-Pyo waved off a girl who was trying to get his attention. "Speaking of, you should get going. Don't make him wait too long." Jun-Pyo playfully ruffed her hair. "contrary to this school rumor mill, I am glad to have met you, Laundry-Girl. That is the last time I will say anything on the subject. Now get going." Jun-Pyo nudged her firmly in the direction of the doors.

"Thanks Jun-Pyo. You really are a good friend." Jan-Di finally let her smile fall. "I will be leaving first then." Jan-Di hurried to her locker and then walked down the familiar path to the bench where she first saw Ji-Hoo playing the violin.

As Jan-Di walked she couldn't help but think back on the few moments they had shared together, the many times he had saved her from emotional humiliations and physical hurts. The more she thought on Ji-Hoo the more she realized that she was never over him. She made him leave-pushed him away hoping he would find happiness, not wanting her selfishness to be what brought him sadness. 'Am I what he really wants? Am I only convenient? He is too good for me. Maybe this is a mistake...' Jan-Di stopped a few feet away from the bench. 

 Ji-Hoo sat perfectly poised and patiently waiting. She stepped forward, the sound of her shoes catching his attention. He looked up, smiling wide, Jan-Di felt her anxiousness ease slightly. "Jan-Di, I am glad to see you again. I have something-"

"Why did you come back really? Seo-Hyun unnie was what you wanted isn't it? what could have happened to bring you all the way back here so quickly. And don't tell me it was me. If I am the cause of your sadness, I don't know what I will do." Jan-Di's voice cracked slightly, eyes beginning to sting.

"Jan-Di, I did come back for you. but you have never once since meeting you ever thought you brought me sadness. You have only brought me happiness. You expanded my horizons, showed me how to look inside myself. This trip to Paris was only to confirm what I already knew. I loved Seo-Hyun habitually. I once loved her but I grew up and at some point realized our relationship was better when platonic rather than romantic." Ji-Hoo said. He stopped seeing Jan-Di's anxiety was not soothed, he pulled her into a tight hug. "I love you, Geum Jan-Di. I have for a while now, it just took me too long to realize that. I was afraid I was too late and someone had swept in during my absence to heal your broken heart."

"No. No one. I made my position as F4 mascot very clear while you were away and spent the few days running from their demands." Jan-Di said. She froze finally understanding what Ji-Hoo said. "Sunbae, are you-did you-I am-what?" She gaped at the older man. He laughed and nodded, tightening his embrace. 

"Yes, ma'am. I said what I said. Let me have the honor of dating you, please." Ji-Hoo pressed a kiss into her hair. He tried to keep the nerves out of his voice.

"Ji-Hoo sunbae, you really mean that don't you? You love me? As much as I love you? I was so happy when I heard Seo-Hyun was leaving, I thought maybe you would finally see me. But then I realized I would rather have you as a friend then not at all so I held back. I couldn't stomach the idea of you together, I just kept my brave face on hoping that I would be over you by the time you got back and then you came back and I wasn't over you. I wasn't over you, Yoon Ji-Hoo." Jan-Di's voice broke on a small sob and with it Ji-Hoo's heart. "I love you too." Jan-Di cried. Ji-Hoo pulled away using his fingers to wipe her tears before pulling her into a gentle kiss, tasting of salt. 

"Don't cry, my darling. Everything is fine." Ji-Hoo said. Jan-Di sniffled trying to pull herself together. "I am sorry, I made you cry again."

"I'm fine. I am just a little overwhelmed." Jan-Di took a deep breath, shaky on the exhale. "Let's get some tea, yeah?"

"Yeah. It'll be my treat." Ji-Hoo tucked Jan-Di's arm in his and together they walked to his motorcycle.

*******************************************************************************************

So what did you think? a very niche pairing in a very niche fandom. It was just to make me feel better. This will be part of a series: The Miscellaneous Adventures of Geum Jan-Di and Yoon Ji-Hoo. 

[uselessidiotsquad]

Hello, I’m new around here hope you don’t mind if I send asks. From the Romance asks for your unburiable ship: 46, 12, 2&36 (related questions), 42 and bonus question 50: what is the most difficult part about writing this pairing? Thanks xD

Hello! Thanks so much for the ask :D I don't mind at all and in fact appreciate it. It helps me develop my characters and HC's so thank you!

This gets a bit lengthy so it’s under the cut! There are several personal ramble bits in it too.

2. Why should your reader care about them?

I'm not really sure how to answer this one :o

I sort of leave the care in the readers/others hands for if they feel connected to my kiddos or not - I wouldn't dare try to make anyone care about them, that seems dodgy. I just write them as they appear to me and hope that maybe someone, somewhere will relate or appreciate them like I do. If not that's fine! Everyone has preferences and sometimes my kids won't be to everyone's.

12. How do they act in public vs in private?

Currently, they act about the same in public vs in private, though this wasn’t always the case. They (well Trahearne at least) tried to keep things somewhat under wraps about the two of them. Riaghael does tend to be a little more vocal about what he’s thinking and feeling when they are in private - as well as being a little more lighthearted and cheesy.

36. Why should your readers root for them?

I would usually leave that up to the readers to decide. But to ramble a bit, perhaps because it’s encouraging to see characters who have been through hell work towards something better. Riag’s been through the wringer, Trahearne has straight up died - they both have baggage and issues to content with but at least they get a snippet of happy. To see them be able to drop some of their barriers and walls and enjoy things. And to also see the work put into a relationship that’s not just ‘and everything was wonderful and fine the end’.

It’s the slow progress of working towards improvement and working towards happier that I would hope people root for. Riag working to let people into his life and working to express his feelings. Trahearne working to not hold on to the ideas of what they used to be and accepting the now.

42. Why do you enjoy writing them?

Blatant spite. Their ship name is Unburiable for a reason. Can’t bury the gays when they are A) plants and B) necromancers.

(This has spawned the inside joke of me going “Are they... you know... necromancers?”)

I use my ships as an avenue of expression of my own understanding of love. What does love look like to me, an outsider? What is important about a relationship me to? How does it make sense for a situation to be resolved in this context? Given what I have come to appreciate about love - how can I apply it here? And so on. I know it sounds a bit cold and distant, but it’s really not. It’s just a lens through which I can explore a concept that I’m not familiar with.

But also because I see sometimes stories of love where love ‘fixes’ something. Oh woe, the character has a problem and suddenly through the power of love it is resolved! And that pisses me off so bad. Especially when it comes to mental health or trauma. Depression cannot be fixed. PTSD cannot be fixed. Anxiety cannot be fixed. It doesn’t work that way. Support and love from others can help and can make the situation more bearable at times. But this idea of ‘fixing’ it through love makes me so mad. So I’m writing out of spite to not do that.

46. What made them fall in love?

Situational turns (nothing like almost guaranteed certain death via world ending eating machine to make you adjust your priorities), mutual interests, mutual admiration, being able to see the best in each other.

50. What is the most difficult part about writing this pairing?

HOO BOY THERE'S A LOT. Trying to write and still keep the voice of Trahearne somewhat in-line with the game is challenging. Also, if I’m being blunt, sometimes writing anything about love is hard for me. I’m Aromantic. I don’t have experience to draw from so it’s just a hit or miss on what sticks.

[jokerfic]

I know you’re taking a break from posting Joker stuff rn but I was just thinking of your stories and wanted to say hi! Hope you’re having a nice summer!

u must be psychic cause I was just looking over some of my Joker drafts today and also thinking about popping in to say “hello I’m alive I hope all of you are alive too!”

I am....... hoo boy this pandemic is incredibly depressing (I live in a red state, you would not believe the amount of people here who think it’s just a hoax bc it hasn’t yet personally affected them) and between that, it being an election year where the hits just keep on coming, and pervasive unrelated insomnia (the “unrelated” part of that is a lie) my mental energy is nonexistent and my brain ain’t working, but I’m hoping it’ll pass, or that at least I’ll click at some point into “hide in fiction” mode. I would very much like to be able to write again, but atm I just constantly feel too exhausted to work on stories, although I still think about them all the time. it’s bullshit tbh

I think about u all very often and I hope you’re all doing your best to stay safe, wherever you are

[mirrcrfaced]

    SUBJECT DELTA - BIOSHOCK 2

“ Subject Delta's just a serial number ...They used to call you Johnny Topside — found the city all on your own in a divin' bell … real shame what they did to ya. But Ryan's  people locked you up … erased your damn name! Goodbye JOHNNY TOPSIDE -– hello SUBJECT DELTA. ”

delta is a big daddy - the terrifying creatures in diving suits that are iconic with the bioshock series. his main goal is literally just to protect all of his daughters!

he’s really lost without his bonded ‘little sister’ ( now a ‘big sister’ ) - but knows she’s safe and okay, now! still, he’s feeling depressed and confused regardless.

he can’t speak, but, hoo boy! he sure can communicate. ( loud/scary sound warning if you click on the link - it’s alpha series big daddy sound files ripped from the game )

the only good dad in bioshock, probably - even though the bond between him and eleanor was severed :C

delta has been through SO much. he’s been killed twice, and his body is still in it’s shutdown state from the events of the game. only, the powers that be in the city are keeping him alive for now- meaning he is constantly in a lot of pain.

“be nice, i’m dead”

delta is very much a father figure - and that doesn’t stop at little sisters. if you’re a kind-of lost child without supervision in spirale, congrats! he’s your dad now.

honestly very sweet and calm when he’s not being attacked by splicers! if you look closely at his armor you can probably make out some faint paint/chalk marks from where he let the girls draw on him, or places where stickers are still clinging to it.

but watch out if you make him angry - he’s arguably the strongest of big daddies, as well as the first. you’ll know whether he’s in attack mode.

[pluckyredhead]

Daredevil 101: Cruel & Unusual

Hello, friends! I am back to fill up 10 minutes of your pandemic self-isolation downtime. Today we’re covering the storyline “Cruel & Unusual,” which ran through Daredevil v2 #107-110. Greg Rucka joins our usual team of Ed Brubaker and Michael Lark as a co-writer, which means a hardboiled dame investigating corruption, because Rucka has a #brand.

Content Warning: Severe violence against children is described but not shown; attempted suicide.

In the aftermath of what happened to Milla, Matt has sunk into depression. His friends are understandably concerned:

While Foggy pleads with him, Luke has a more assertive approach: yelling. Matt doesn’t take it well:

Yes, Matt breaks his hand. Yes, I laughed.

Anyway, Luke wants Matt to help him on a case, but Matt’s not hearing it, so Luke goes to the rest of Nelson, Blake, and Murdock:

MCU viewers will remember Big Ben Donovan from Luke Cage and Daredevil. They didn’t change much for the show, except that in the comics he sometimes beats people up in addition to being a super sketchy lawyer.

Anyway, he is currently on death row for decapitating three children - siblings, specifically. Not only that, he confessed to it. But Luke doesn’t think it fits his MO, and is hoping Matt - or barring that, Foggy, Becky, and Dakota - can do something to save Ben’s life. As they all agree, Ben sucks, but he doesn’t deserve to die for a crime he didn’t commit.

They try to get Matt on the case but he’s not interested. Dakota talks to a cop friend of hers, Detective Kurtz, and finds a few weird loose ends:

She then goes to see Ben in prison:

With Ben’s permission, she records his confession. On her way home from (I’m assuming) Sing Sing, she stops at a diner - and is attacked in the parking lot by a stranger, who beats her up and tells her to stay away from the Donovan case.

Furious, she goes straight to Matt and tells him to get his head out of his ass:

She wants Matt to listen to Ben’s confession and see if he hears anything off - that is, if he’s not too busy sitting around feeling sorry for himself. I know she’s coming off really aggressive here but the implication in the comic is that Matt has basically shut out the world for a worryingly long time by this point.

Anyway, Dakota storms out and Matt decides to listen to the recording - and realizes that Ben is definitely lying about killing those kids. So he finally pus on outside pants and heads out to do something about it:

Ben tells Matt the same thing he told Dakota - he did it, he has accepted his punishment, leave him alone. But Matt knows he’s lying, so he sees if the other Ben has any information for him:

That missing dad is still the loose end. Is he alive and thus probably the killer? Or if he’s dead, why won’t Ben (Donovan) confess to killing him too? Matt asks if Ben knows anything else about the dad, and Ben says he worked on the docks.

Meanwhile, Dakota continues to poke around and get in trouble, because that’s who she is as a person (I love Dakota so much). The same dude who beat her up before attacks her again, but this time she’s ready:

Also, surprise! He’s with the FBI. Which a) means there’s a cover-up happening, and b) freaks everyone out a bit because Matt and the FBI don’t have the greatest history with each other.

Matt, meanwhile, keeps digging and discovers that the missing dad didn’t just work “on the docks.” He worked specifically for this dude: 

Eric Slaughter, one of Fisk’s early rivals! We haven’t seen him in a while but he was a regular foe in the early Miller years - here he is in the Guts Nelson issue. Anything, this can’t be good.

Meanwhile in prison, Ben attempts to kill himself and is stopped just in time:

(Please note if you read the comic that the attempt and method are shown on the page.)

This man is on death row, so why would he try to kill himself? He’s clearly terrified of the consequences of Matt and Dakota digging into this case, but why?

Meanwhile, Dakota’s father, a CIA agent, also shows up to warn Dakota off:

Dakota’s like, uh, how did covering up the decapitation of three children become about national security, and also why are the CIA and the FBI working on the same case? This is extremely stinky.

Meanwhile, Matt and Foggy go to see Ben, who is even more insistent that Matt drop the case, this time practically to the point of hysteria. It does a number on Matt:

Foggy is such a good friend! Matt is so sad! That is a very specific photo reference!

Back at the office, Becky gives Dakota some very good advice:

As I said, I love Dakota, but she is a liar liar pants on fire. LISTEN TO BECKY!!! She had a crush on Matt and got over it! She has survived for three decades (now four)! She knows whereof she speaks!

Dakota and her flaming pants head out on the trail of another lead Becky has dug up, this time up at Columbia:

Yeah. Big Ben Donovan has a son, and if he doesn’t take the rap for the triple homicide, whoever is actually behind it will kill his son.

As Dakota leaves the building, she is shot by a sniper. Meanwhile, Matt attempts to confront Slaughter and finds himself in a trap:

In an extremely Murdocky move, Matt escapes by leaping out the window and through the sniper helicopter outside.

Meanwhile, Dakota is taken to the hospital. Matt blames himself. Becky, who has witnessed five fridgings by this point, is officially Done With His Shit:

You tell ‘im, Becks! No but seriously, she’s completely right, because this is a Greg Rucka storyline: Dakota got shot because she’s a hard-nosed investigator whose personal demons won’t let her leave a case alone even when it puts her in danger. It actually has nothing to do with Matt except that he’s also working on the same case, and blaming himself won’t help her.

Instead, Matt tracks down the FBI agent who attacked Dakota, leans on him, and learns the truth: the children and their father were actually killed by Eric Slaughter’s right-hand man. Slaughter had ordered the father killed for stealing from him, and his killer went rogue and murdered the kids as well. But the feds are in bed with Slaughter, because they’re using his smuggling operations on the docks to track terrorist activity:

If Slaughter’s man got arrested for the quadruple homicide, Slaughter would stop cooperating with the feds. So they gave him a fall guy, figuring Ben was a shitty person anyway and an acceptable loss in the ~War Against Terror~. It’s pretty disgusting all around and depressingly plausible.

Matt’s like “Well, arrest the real killer and let Ben go or this ends up on the news.” And he brings Ben a visitor:

Little Ben is, unsurprisingly, rather touched to hear what his father was willing to sacrifice for his safety!

Agent North tells Slaughter that his free pass has expired:

With all the loose ends wrapped up, Matt goes to see Dakota:

Aw that’s nice. And hoo BOY that last panel is a Charlie Coxish expression if I’ve ever seen one. Can Michael Lark see the future???

Next Up: Greg Rucka leaves and the book gets lackluster again. But, um, there’s a lot of ninjas and more Milla-related ableism? Yay? Hold on to your butts, kids, it’s almost Shadowland time!

[aboxthecolourofheartache]

Heyo Box! My inner 12yo is living for all this tortall content. You say you have Thoughts about ozorne and his birds? Do. you feel like sharing??

Hello, hello!

I am so pleased that my current Tortall binge is entertaining at least one other person!  The Tortall books are some of my favorite, go-to comfort reading, and god knows this is the time and the place.

And I DO have Thoughts about Ozorne and his birds!  They are not particularly coherent thoughts, but it’s such an interesting thing for him to fixate on and makes so much sense.

First of all, Ozorne is a Deeply Unhappy Person in, like, all senses of the phrase.  I’m not sure if you’ve read Tempests and Slaughter, but hoo boy does it fling the curtains open on some things.  He lost his father at a young age, his mother was, uh... emotionally distant except when she was encouraging him to Smite His Father’s Murderers’ Nation.  He’s depressed, violent, petty, has like ZERO emotionally healthy outlets because he’s royal and forbidden to do pretty much everything, and super-duper codependent on Arram and Varice.  His royal status starts out low enough that he gets a taste of what normal life might be like, but before any sort of rationality or humility sets in, he starts rising in the ranks.  He’s groomed pretty thoroughly by a corrupt mage (POLITICALLY - I don’t read any of it to be sexual, but this IS a young teen aimed book).

Either the first time he used his Gift, or the first time it bloomed or whatever, was to call birds to him.  He ended up with a whole courtyard full of birds and he could touch any of them.  So there’s nostalgia.  And also a reminder that his Gift showed powerfully at a very young age.

He liked working with animals in general, too.  They end up living in Lindhall’s... uh, sector? of the university at one point and they care for the animals.  Ozorne’s shown to be good at it and to enjoy the work.

But like, thematically?  Birds work.  Ozorne likes novelty and he is possessive.  As I said above, he develops a pretty codependent relationship with Arram and Varice.  At first, he wants them to be part of his household as a low prince, so they could go off and study together.  Then he wants Arram as his war mage and Varice as his hospitality mage.  Arram and Varice dance around a lot of his unacceptable behavior because he is a prince as much as he’s their friend, and also because they’re like 14.  Arram tries to bring up heavy topics but always ends up deferring or biting his tongue in the end to keep the peace.  There are several instances in which Arram says he felt scared of Ozorne or was made uncomfortable by the brush of his cruel streak.  Arram is... not socially isolated, because he has his professors and goes out with a handful of girls and makes friends in strange circumstances.  But he’s considered a “freak” by his fellow university students.  Varice is a social butterfly and has many friendships other than Ozorne and Arram.  But other students and many of the professors scorn her “kitchenwitch” talents and interests.  So they have each other and they have Ozorne.  In many ways, Ozorne relies on the fact that they are the odd ones out?  His family spurned him from a young age, and his mother is not affectionate unless it suits her to be.  He really wants the best for his friends, though.  Or what he thinks is best for them, which is often what he wants FROM them.  But he wants them to be happy with him and not leave and do what he wants them to do.

So birds?  Birds are bright and multi-talented.  They sing, they fly, they are pretty colors.  And they are very easy to keep.  You just have to clip a feather.  Or?  If you want them to be able to fly - but not TOO far - build them a big aviary with a glass dome.  They have everything they want and no need to go anywhere else (many aren’t even able to survive outside their enclosure, since they are far from their natural habitat).  But they are there for him ALL THE TIME.  His rooms adjoin the aviary, or they are accessible by a direct passageway.  It’s a neat little microcosm.  But also he loves his birds because it is sometimes much easier to love an animal than it is to love people.  Ozorne doesn’t have a lot of practice with love, except on his terms, and he has no interest in learning anyone else’s.

If I’m reading some of the implications in Tempests and Slaughter correctly, he never really wanted to be Emperor in the first place, but he was maneuvered onto the throne by people who thought he would be more malleable than he is.  As he rises to the throne as the other heirs get picked off, he’s shown to resent how restricted his life becomes.  Again, birds/cages, blah blah blah.

AND THEN HE TURNS HIMSELF INTO A GODDAMN STORMWING TO ESCAPE THE CONSEQUENCES OF HIS ACTIONS.  Like???? It does not get much more bird-themed than that.  Hello, yes, I can fly now and I’m immortal, but I’m also an EATER OF CARRION AND DEFILER OF THE DEAD.

/thoughts