#hoping this doesn't suck like my anxiety brain is saying it does

[rainbowxfmuses]

Untitled

Closed rp with @smashingsire​ . Sorry for taking so long, but your patience is appreciated. <3

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It was a lovely day in Juuban, Japan, and Hotaru Tomoe was outside. She was about 14, and it was the weekend. She smiled, as memories of her smaller self, filled her brain, of her playing with a ball, or Haruka yelling out at her to be careful not to play to close to the road. She loved them, and she was glad to be with them after everything that had happened. She was older, and had regained her memories of being a Sailor Senshi, but she yearned to play with that ball again. Although part of her thought that it was silly, she could not resist any longer. As she sat up from the porch, and got to her feet with the intention of going inside and finding her ball, something came over her.

"Something isn't right..." she thought, and was suddenly compelled to walk to towards the street. There was something there, but she couldn't quite put her finger on it. 

Nevertheless, she felt drawn to it, and her feet seemed to move on their own. Suddenly, something opened up..a rift?! Before she knew it, she was falling through space time, and just as quickly, she landed with a thud on her rear.

"Ouch!"

[choism]

Mommy!Seonghwa x AFAB!Reader

Genre: FWB to Lovers

Word Count: 1.9k

Warnings: Smut, romance at the end, more warnings under cut

A/N: Hello this is my bi yearly fic drop! lmao, I hope everyone likes it <3333 NSFW warning under the cut!

Remember, tumblr runs on reblogs, not likes <3

Warnings: Male Mommy kink, cunnilingus, oral (m + afab receiving), creampie (dont be a fool wrap your tool), penetration, throat fucking, dom seonghwa, rough sex, impregnation kink, breeding kink, just overall a filthy mess

He's a wreck.

Doesn't know how you will react. He knows that you are down for anything, it's why you became fuck buddies in the first place, but for some reason this specific thing has his nerves shaking.

"You want me to what?" You say, curiosity in your voice. You don't want to tease him too much, seeing as he looks like a ball of anxiety right now, fiddling with his thumbs. "Say it one more time for me."

"Fuck yn, really?" He bites his lip and looks up to the ceiling, gathering his courage once again before looking into your eyes,

"I want you to call me mommy while I fuck you, is that clear enough?"

The first time you had heard him, you were taken aback by the sudden request, but hearing how unsure he is of his own words, how nervous he is makes the neurons in your brain quiver with excitement.

You giggle and wrap your arms around his shoulders, "Want to fuck me, mommy?" You pout into a kiss, smiling deviously as he groans into your mouth. You lightly grind your hips into the hardening bulge inside his pants, going slow to tease him just that tiny bit more.

Seonghwa slowly rolls his hips into yours, placing his hand on your hip and gripping firmly. "Ah ah, just because I asked you to do me a favor doesn't mean you get to have control this time sweetheart." The brunette pushes you gently against the wall and buries his head into your neck, sucking a small, light hickey to mark you as his.

"No, I'm gonna have my way with you today. Bedroom." Seonghwa demands, and as much as you want to tease him further you see the feral look in his eyes, and you know you won't get your way. You do as he says and head into the bedroom, starting to strip yourself of your clothes as he follows in and does the same.

You are about to crawl on the bed when he takes a hold of your wrist and stops you. He glides his hand from your wrist to the top of your head, pushing lightly, and you take the hint.

You slowly sink to your knees as he strokes his now fully hardened cock, precum beading at the tip. You drool at the sight.

Seonghwa tilts his head back as he languidly strokes his cock to tease you, letting out small sighs of pleasure. He smears around the precum on his head with his thumb, taking that same digit and pushing it past your lips for you to suck on. You lick up his slick eagerly, swirling your tongue around his thumb as if it were his cock head, tasting his cum as if you were starved.

You could never grow tired of pleasing him this way.

He slips his thumb out and replaces it with the tip of his member onto your bottom lip, not pushing in but merely making an entrance to just further tease you.

"Open up for mommy, sweetheart."

You stick out your tongue and open up a bit more as he pushes just a bit past his tip into your mouth, letting you slick it up to take him in further. You roll your tongue along a prominent vein underneath his shaft and he lets out a short but loud groan in appreciation. He stops pushing in to let you adjust and take him further in yourself. Once settled you take him in further, not all the way to the pubic bone but near it, you swirl your tongue along his shaft, holding his thighs for support.

You take your time tasting him, engulfing him, and pleasuring him before taking him in even deeper to where he touches the back of your throat. His hand flies down and takes a hold of your hair as you breathe through your nose and try to keep yourself from gagging on him. You pull back a bit and hollow out your cheeks, sucking him further and harder.

At this point your throat fucking him all by yourself, thrusting his cock in and out of your mouth as if it were you own dripping hole being pounded into. You take him in and make obscene noises with each suck, the noise practically echoing off the walls and filling the room with sounds of sex and pleasure.

Seonghwa's groans increase in volume as you get messier with your motions, the mixture of drool and precum falling from your mouth onto your chest and the floor.

"M' close, where do you want mommy to cum?" He says through gritted teeth. His hand found its way back into your hair and is guiding you along his cock with each suck. "You want me to cum down that pretty throat of yours? Want to be filled in both holes?" You gag around his cock with that last sentence and he starts to fuck your throat gently in lew of you halting your movements.

You breathe through your nose and moan around him to bring him closer, and with a few more thrust his hand grips your hair tight and he comes down your throat. Seonghwa loudly groans as he slows his thrust to a halt, his orgasm washing over him in smaller waves.

You slowly pull off of his softening cock with a pop and stand up.

"Open for Mommy."

You open your mouth to show him the bits of come that stayed on your tongue and he pulled you into a passionate kiss. Seonghwa can taste his own cum on his tongue but he doesn't care. He pulls apart, swallowing the substance. "Bed."

You do as he demands, laying down on the bed. You take the liberty of prepping yourself for his thick cock, slipping two fingers past your mouth and wetting them efficiently. You go to move them towards your aching pussy but Seonghwa stops you.

"Ah ah, I'll be doing the prep today." He takes his place between your legs and lifts your knees over his shoulders. He runs a run over your stomach and downward towards your center, cupping it lightly and teasing. "God you have such a pretty pussy." He licks a single stripe from your perineum all the way to the hood above your clit, lightly sucking on it.

"Mo-mommy..." You moan out gently as he inserts a finger, the stimulation and wetness overwhelming your senses. Seonghwa's pace slightly quickens as he feels your clit throb with immense pleasure. His sucks become harsher and his finger curls to hit the soft spongy spot inside of you, making you garble out nonsense in response to his minstrations.

"Mommy please, gonna come please!" The way he licks and sucks at your clit is absolutely animal. The sounds are lewd and wet and just bring you closer to the edge, his thick and long fingers fucking into methodically, attempting to coax out a stronger orgasm. He doesn't stop and you feel yourself come closer and closer to the edge until-

"Fuck!"

You yell as he pulls away, your orgasm washing away as soon as it built. He edged you. He brought you close and pulled you away near your peak and leaving your clit throbbing with anticipation it won't get until later.

"Fuck why Mommy please, fuck I wanna come please." You beg, tears pricking at your eyes from the stimulation being taken away.

"I want you to come on Mommy's cock, don't you want that? You want Mommy to make you feel full? Satisfied?" Seonghwa abrubtly enters you swift and hard, the head of his cock hitting your cervix but not in a painful way. You moan out so loud it's a borderline yell as he fills you up, every inch making you feel full, complete.

"Tell me what you want baby, want me to fuck you stupid? Fill you with my cum huh?" He's pounding into you roughly. You don't even know how he got hard again so fast but fuck did it feel so good. His cock was made for you. You were made to be fucked by him.

Seonghwa lifts your legs higher so his pelvis meets your ass with every full thrust, he's practically on top of you and slamming himself inside. He thumbs over your raw, abused clit, making sure to apply pressure but not move to much as to not bring you over the edge so quickly.

"Please..ngh, god...." Is all you can murmur as his thick cock claims you.

"Please what? Tell me what you want?" He says a bit shaky, clearly on the verge of losing control of himself as well.

"Cum...fuck Seonghwa cum inside please god." Tears well in your eyes from the overwhelming pleasure. You swear you've never been layed this good in your entire life, and who knew it would take a mere Mommy kink to bring you to such an edge.

"Want it inside? Want Mommy to make you a Mommy? Fill you up and breed you so good it'll be dripping out of you for weeks- fuck!" He feels his orgasm rapidly approaching and he knows your just as close.

His words hit you like a truck, the thought of being fucked so full of cum, of becoming a Mommy fills your senses to the brim and sends you over the edge. Your finish is so powerful you can feel your slick leaking and rubbing along his thighs and yours and he follows soon after with a few more deep thrusts, rope after rope of cum filling you, leaking out of you and dripping down your ass onto the bed.

The mixture of cum is immense and becomes apparent as Seonghwa pulls out of you, it spills out and immediately onto the sheets and like a puppy thirsty for water, Seonghwa leans down and cleans it up.

His tongue on your sensitive and puffy center quickly brings you into yet another orgasm. Your thighs shake as he cleans out the sticky mixture and you squeal with pleasure. Once he has fully lapped up your juices he gets up and grabs a washcloth to properly clean you both. When he comes back you notices the brunette hair on his head sticking to his forehead. He looks like he ran a marathon.

As he cleans you up and moves on to himself he says, "i think out of all the times we've fucked, that was the best one yet." He chuckles and plops a fresh pair of his pajamas next to you for you to get dressed in.

"You're right." You smile, throwing on his shirt. "You know, you said something really hot." He quirks an eyebrow.

"Want Mommy to make you a Mommy?"

His ears and face flush red with embarassment and he throws a pillow at you. "I- I just said it in the moment!" He scrambles for an explanation but you silence him with a deep kiss.

"It's okay, I liked it, you should say shit like that more often and maybe I'll wanna do more than fuck you." Seonghwa's face goes blank, clearly attempting to put two and two together in his head.

"Do you mea-"

"God your stupid." You fall on top of him and kiss him deeply, not with lust but with something deeper, with fire. "I want to date you, you dumbass."

Yeah, he's a wreck alright.

© Choism 2023. do not repost or translate.

[miradelletarot]

Sad brain hours are stupid

Personal post alert. Just me kinda mumbling my random sad brain thoughts into the void, and hope something make sense (or at least helps me get this shit out of my head idk).

*note: this is all over the fucking place so...sorry.* My confidence is pretty low lately. I mean, it always has been honestly. I was raised to have a low self-esteem (just like my mother, who also had self-esteem issues, and projected a lot of her shit onto me). So, I have never ever really been confident. In my marriage, I can't recall a time when my husband truly made me feel sexy/desirable (unless he wanted something from me...you know what I'm talking about). Even mentally and emotionally, I'm really not that smart. I'm not witty, or quick, or brilliant in any way, and my anxiety and depression and ADHD make shit hard enough to cope with as it is. I struggled in school. Mostly an A & B student, but I had to bust my ass for those grades. Not to mention my horrible memory...I'm lucky I know basic grade school shit. I have no illusions that there is anything remotely spectacular about me. I think that's why I love supporting and helping others. Especially with tarot. It's my way of trying to help lift people up, and make them feel good about themselves, and their prospects because *someone* needs to be in your corner (general "you"). It's just easier to give my love to others, because I'd rather use my energy to celebrate the people I care about. Lately, I am really just feeling so down about my body. More than I have in a while. I think I've ignored it for so long because I was married. He stopped putting in effort and so did I. I had no one to impress anymore. But, despite him completely letting himself go (he's well over 400lbs now, and does NOT take care of himself in the slightest,) he said he was no longer attracted to me. (this will make sense in a moment...promise).

in 2018, I had a weird ass health scare that landed me in the hospital for a week, and the nurse said I nearly died of sepsis. Her words were (and I'll never fucking forget it...) "if you had waited even until tonight to come to the ER, there's a good chance you wouldn't have made it." Drs still dunno what the fuck happened to me. Ever since that happened, my thyroid went stupid (thanks again, MOTHER...) and I gained a ton of weight. I have always been on the heavier side (180lbs when I got married 16 yrs ago. I'm 5 ft tall for context). Now, I'm 243 lbs. I was 265, but I lost a lot of that stress weight after I left my husband. So, that's certainly something.

But...I just don't see the improvement. i don't feel any better. I have such a horrible relationship with exercise, and i am working so fucking much I don't even want to even though I know I should. I hate wearing makeup b/c of how it makes my face feel, and in the Florida, soul-sucking heat? I could never. But, I still have breakouts like a fucking teenager going through puberty. and my hair? fuck. i hate it. it's a poofy, frizzy mop. ALSO...fucking hell. I have had a slight lisp since i was a kid. I worked really hard to correct it b/c i was in choir and shit and my music teacher helped me with it, but recently i find that it's a lot more prominent than it used to be, and it sticks out to me SO fucking much, and i feel so insecure about it lately.

It's time's like these when something my ex said to me before i left really sticks in my head (he apologized for saying this btw, but it doesn't make the pain go away). He said "you'll never find anyone as good as me." I really want to believe he's wrong, but sometimes? It feels like he's right. Like I'll never be pretty or thin enough to be desirable to anyone. Too much depression and anxiety. Too weird. Too vulgar. Just...Too much, and oddly not enough at the same time. Even though it's only been 6 months since I left him I am fucking lonely. I won't lie, I miss having a partner (and all that entails). I'm so afraid I'll be alone forever. If I lower my standards, I'll just get some shitty asshole again. Someone just like my ex. I'm too fucking old to date around like I'm in my 20s. I'm pushing 40. I'm either going to find the man of my dreams (the Gale of my heart, a real one lol) or I'll be forever alone.

I'm in hell...and it looks like a pixelated paradise.

[sunwarmed-ash]

Sinful Sunday Post

Hey wanna know something cool about following me?

when my muse is good and my brain is happy I get so excited I just want to post all the things!

Separation Anxiety Chapter 7 is dropping TONIGHT!

you can read the winning preview here

but also the poll was SO CLOSE I decided to drop a lil more of the DPD Xmas party 😘 so enjoy the smut fic under the cut!

Have a great day babes, and I'll see you TONIGHT for the Parksborn Smut 👀😘

part 1

Gavin’s uncomfortably face to metal with the cold surface of the interrogation table, stripped of all his clothes, and cuffed, His bare ass is perfectly exposed for not only Nines to punish, but Hank and Connor to openly ogle across the room. It makes his cock ache and his body itch in anticipation for whatever Nines is going to do next. 

His cock is still painfully hard, but thankfully, hanging loose off the table and not squashed between his body and the table. Likely on purpose, since Gavin’s been known to attempt to rub himself off on any surface at any given time…

The first strike of Nines’ hand comes down hard across both ass cheeks.

“Phck Nines, don’t cripple me,” Gavin groans. It hurts, but his cock still pumps out a steady stream of precum past his piercing.  

“Act like a slut get treated like one.” Nines grins. 

“Yes Sir,” Gavin pants, melting a little deeper against the table. He couldn't help it. He’s so exposed like this, open and vulnerable for them to touch, torture, play with, and it’s driving Gavin insane with desire. 

In all actuality, he doesn't mind being treated like this. It's kinda the problem. Well it's not a problem in his eyes. It’s just his dumb body that can’t keep up as well as he used to. 

The second hit is hard, but not as bruising as the first and it's perfect. Gavin groans and relaxes further against the table, risking a question. “Does that mean you’re all gonna use me?”

Nines rolls his eyes, Gavin sees it in the two way mirror.

"You don't deserve it, but yes." 

Gavin whines as his brain whites out in anticipation of actually being fucked by all three of them.

"Open your mouth," Nines demands and Gavin does, naturally sucking two of the robot's fingers into his mouth to coat them generously with saliva. 

"He's got you trained real good Reed," Hank teases, but it's obvious by the breathy retort he’s worked up by the action too. His monster cock is already out of his pants and he’s pumping it while he watches Nines take him apart. Connor’s doing the same with his own cock. More precum slides past his tip onto the floor. 

Gavin licks around a third finger  and sucks hard, but not before locking eyes with Hank. Challenging him. Because yes, Nines does have him trained. It has the desired effect. Hank curses pleasurably but doesn't break eye contact. The hand on Hank’s dick speeds up. 

"Enough," Nines orders, pulling his fingers back. 

Before Gavin can even catch his breath, Nines is finally breaching his ass with one, then two slick fingers in quick succession.

“Oh phck,” Gavin pants. 

Nines twists his fingers to find Gavin’s prostate, rubbing and teasing him just the way he loves before cruelly, pulling away altogether. 

“No no don't go,” Gavin begs pathetically as his cock pulses out more precum. 

"Connor," Nines says, ordering the other android over with only the use of his name. 

Connor stands from his place next to Hank, and resituates himself behind Gavin. 

"What do you think?” Nines asks, before pushing three slicked fingers inside Gavin. 

Gavin’s resulting, choking whine is pathetic. His skin burns with humiliation knowing Connor is recording every moment of him like this for later. 

“He needs to be looser if he’s going to take Hank,” Connor confirms.

“Phck,” he pants. He was hoping for some of this delicious torture to end, but neither of them pay him any attention. Instead, Nines pulls out his fingers and orders Connor to,  

“Lick him open. Don’t make him cum.”

Before Gavin can think of a retort there's a wide, slick tongue flush against his asshole. The moan that spills out of his mouth is wet and pitifully desperate. 

“Yeah, wait till you feel him on your dick,” Hank chuckles. 

Anything else Gavin is going to say dies on his tongue because Connor starts up a steady pace licking into his body. It's the first time all night Gavin’s had nothing to say. Too blissed out on the raw, filthy pleasure of Connor’s tongue inside him, and the sloppy-slick sounds he’s making as he loosens him up. 

Connor’s hand slides up Gavin’s thigh and rests below where his mouth is working, slender fingers already teasing their intent to slip inside too.

“Phck, phck, please,” Gavin whimpers, because he needs more. He always needs more. He's a greedy little slut after all. And Connor’s fingers are so so close. Just a little bit more…

“Stop,” Nines orders and Connor does, much to Gavin’s instant, vocal disappointment. 

But then someone's fingers, he can’t tell whose, are pulling his ass open and Connor spits into his wide open hole. 

Gavin’s core burns hot as the robotic pair inevitably scratch one of his biggest kinks and with a shameful, choking sob, Gavin is cumming all over the floor. 

“Oh my fucking god,” Hank groans and Gavin can hear his slick pumps speed up. It sends another jolt of pleasure through his body to know Anderson’s getting off to this too. 

Nines’ immediate growl tells Gavin he's in trouble, but he really couldn't help it. This particular situation was already right out of one of his deepest fantasies and now he can feel Connor’s spit dripping down the back of his balls. There's a hand in his hair the next moment and he's being yanked up until he's flush against Nines. 

“Did I say you could cum, slut?” 

“I'm sorry Sir,” Gavin pants. He is. He tried to hold it back, but without a cage or a hand, he’s defenseless to the sadistic torture of the RK twins. “I-I swear I didn't mean to,” he pleads, “please…”

Nines hand grips the tip of his cock hard, squeezing the oversensitive head until Gavin squeals. 

“Nines, baby, please,” Gavin begs, “I’m sorry, let me make it up to you. Please.”

“How?”

“Anyway you want,” he begs, “Swear baby.”

Nines grins, small and sly and Gavin knows he's in for it. 

Nines helps him get situated comfortably back on the table, but Gavin doesn’t let the false sense of security fool him. Predictably, in that next moment, Nines pushes in dryer than Gavin’s body needs to take all of him comfortably. It's punishment, for cumming without permission, or maybe for accidently feeling up Connor. Either way, Gavin’s ass is in for it and if he hadn’t just cum, he would’ve as soon as Nines bottomed out.

Nines hips start up a fast and steady pace, yanking Gavin right out of his head and back down into his body which is currently singing with pleasure as the burning stretch engulfs his every nerve ending. As soon as Gavin cries out his plea, Nines pumps his ass so full of synethic cum the next round of thrusts are squelching, echoing loudly in the room.

“Phccck,” Gavin melts, relaxing completely under the sweet torture of his partner. “Don’t stop, don’tstop, please.” 

“It’s not me that’s going to need to tap out,” Nines chuckles and Gavin knows he’s right. Gavin will need to stop well before Nines ever would.

“Holy fuck,” Hank pants, because Nines dominating Gavin is a full sensory experience. Every slap of Nines’ hips against Gavin's ass is audible, slick, and sloppy. Gavin hasn’t been able to stop begging since they started and it's only increased since he’s finally getting what he wants.  

[mithrifer]

Okay this is that big HB S2 E7 post I promised yesterday!

Well, I'm saying big but like idk how long it'll end up being, I just plan on dumping everything inside my brain here. (should I have used another pic? dunno lol). Please excuse me if this is hard to read/is incoherent, I'm just rambling all of my thoughts out. I hope it makes sense at the end.

Where to start, where to start... I suppose I can start with Fizzy, he's kind of the connection point for Asmodeus, Mammon and all of their extra messy relationships. Which I want to dig right into!

So, Fizzarolli huh?

Now, I think Fizzarolli is downright adorable; which was only accentuated due to me watching episode 6 and 7 together, I had just found out not one but two episodes came out yesterday. I think I got some sort of fluff overdose because I told my friends something totally deranged after I was done, from which a surprisingly insightful conversation started, and I just had to share what I came up with there.

In this episode especially, though also a little in episode 6, Fizzy is just all over the place. And I mean that in the personal way. He's like a rollercoaster of emotions, diving into anxiety and doubt them surging into confidence and joy. Just a mess, really. I love him for that.

But well, from the reception I've seen of this episode, and this is purely anecdotal I am not some Helluva fandom expert, it seems like people think all of his stuff is just... resolved? Like the biggest danger people talk about is the future revenge Mammon is going to inflict upon our cute yaoi couple, or whatever!

I sure hope not! Because the way I see it, nothing about Fizzarolli's situation can be defined as "over".

So, Mammon is Fizzy's idol. He has been since the imp was five, he took him in when Fizz was at his most vulnerable, he built him into a giant sensation, he's the reason he knows Asmodeus at all, and Fizz still greatly cared about his thoughts and wanted to be "perfect" for him; the imp being keenly aware of all of this... All until Ozzy and he had a little prance around the dress room, and then Fizz made a really cool show all about how much his boss sucked and how he quit, then they all lived happily ever after.

Let's acknowledge the elephant in the room. Or rather the rooster.

Fizzarolli and Asmodeus' relationship is kind of sus when you think about it, isn't it?

I think this has been a thing ever since Ozzy was first introduced, but it was made especially clear to me during these last two episodes. So, what do you think of when you see the two interact? That they love each other very much?

Well, yeah! They do.

Okay then Mith, why did you take your time to point this out? Where's the sinister reveal? Does he beat our clown boy behind doors, or something?

No. But I don't think their relationship is healthy, either. I'd go so far as to say it's abusive.

The way Asmodeus and Fizzarolli deal with each other is certainly weird! More specifically, the way Asmodeus tries to handle his relationship. I doubt any of you would disagree with me if I said Asmodeus was controlling, but it goes beyond that. He is manipulative and untrusting as well.

First, let's explore the dynamics of their relationship. Asmodeus is the king of lust, one of the strongest and most influential demons in hell. He's caring, concerned and uplifting towards Fizzarolli, his boyfriend. Him, on the other hand, is a performer imp clown. A pretty famous one. Fizz is anxious and a perfectionist, but he's also upbeat, creative and also caring.

Fizzarolli, if episode 6 and 7 didn't make it evidently clear, is very dependent on others around him. Not only that, but those whom he is dependent on hold a sway over him. Whether its Asmodeus or Mammon, their words are arrows shot directly at his heart.

So it's certainly concerning when Asmodeus expresses how he doesn't want Fizz going out alone, finds himself "justified" in his beliefs twice, and also really just can't stand that other guy his poor boyfriend worries so much about!

What am I saying here, exactly? Why is Asmodeus trying to curb Fizzy's agency? Why doesn't Asmodeus trust him to make his own decisions? And why did he overstep his boundaries by going to that show?

Isn't it clear? Asmodeus loves him. He just wants the best for Fizzarolli. And that is precisely why he's abusing him. See, if Fizzarolli wasn't oh so fragile maybe he could go out on his own without being bothered, or if he could make coherent decisions that didn't involve giving himself panic attacks to please some fat asshole he wouldn't intervene behind his back, or if he could just let Asmodeus handle things everything would be just fine... Because Asmodeus can. He can and would do everything for him, and Fizz can depend on him.

I don't think he's even aware he's harming Fizz by not trusting him. I don't think someone who hated love until a few months ago, understands how to love. He only knows how he feels, and when he's with Fizz, with that smile on his face, he's happy.

I came upon this realization about their relationship right after the last scene. To get into that though...

Mammon

Asmodeus can't be that bad! I mean, just look at this guy? He doesn't even care for Fizz one bit! At least Ozzy loves him, Mammy was just using him!

You're sort of right! Asmodeus is so much better than Mammon. And Mammon is using him, which sucks! That's the part where you're right.

Mammon, does, however; very obviously care about Fizzarolli.

It shouldn't come off as that much of a surprise, I think. He spent years with him. He constantly carries two robot copies of him around with him. He is actually concerned for a moment when Fizzarolli is stressing out, even though he's mean and demanding. He loves his show, even if it's shitting on Mammon; and the list goes on.

But I don't think any character within the series is aware of that, including Mammon himself. The closest thing I can think of is Fizzarolli deluding(?) himself into thinking his idol does.

Fizz has the motivation to believe Mammon would care about him, after all. He practically saved his life, he's his idol, and he just wants him to be perfect.

But why wouldn't Mammon just be upfront about that?

Funny thing about owning things is that you don't really notice their values until you lose them. Still, you try and keep what you have. Mammon throws pageants every year, knowing full well Fizzy is going to win, even with competition. It does make a shit ton of money, sure, but there are probably better, easier, cheaper ways to promote his favorite. Why bother?

Fizz happens to come back every time. Which is great for profit.

Why did he get so mad when Fizz told him he quit? It certainly wasn't due to the crass words used. He loved that show, and begrudgingly watched even after realizing it was about him. So why? It's not like he lost out on anything. Fizz is just a clown imp. He's completely replacable...

Mammon is really greedy. He doesn't want to let go of Fizzarolli. Fizz is his. He spent way too much time and money on Fizz. He's had way too much fun with Fizz. And in the end, he's irreplacable, isn't he? Not out of any pragmatic or practical reasons, but because Mammon wants him. (read into this any way you want).

But... why does how Mammon feels about Fizz even matter? He's just reaping what he has sown. He deserves being abandoned.

You're completely right. Here is the thing though.

It isn't what Fizzarolli wants

Ummm Mithmints were you deaf or somethang? The fuck you song?

I won't beat around the bush this time, because I've already mentioned this. Asmodeus spends the entire episode trying to supplant the relationship between Fizzarolli and Mammon. He has every right to hold disdain for their incredibly toxic situation, but he goes behind his boyfriends back for this and even contacts his bestie for sabotage. So when Fizzarolli goes onto the stage ready to scream fuck you I quit (as he should) at the asshole who made him rise to fame, the asshole who was his idol from five, the asshole whom he wanted to be perfect for just minutes ago; right after an incredibly vulnerable moment where his sweet hunky boyfriend told him how he was just perfect the way he is and didn't need anything, after which they had a cute little dance.

For some reason, I don't think Fizzarolli is going to be very proud of his incredibly rash decision once the adrenaline goes down and he feels hesitation and guilt towards a deed done. If Fizzy had a rational moment to think about cutting things off with Mammon, I don't think he would pick the method he did, even with his love for performance. Because years of obsession and care don't go away with a two minute song. Don't worry though, Asmodeus will make sure he's more than happy with the path he picked.

...So?

Uh... What "so?"? Are you asking me if I was going anywhere with this? Well, definitely not anywhere specific! I kind of just wanted to examine their situations!

Okay, so, here are my direct thoughts based on what we established.

Fizzarolli loves both Asmodeus and Mammon (feel free to pick how for the latter) but he is very anxious and dependant. He makes a completely justified yet rash decision to cut Mammon off, something he will personally regret. Both of these people hurt Fizzy, but the former is a lot nicer about it.

Asmodeus loves Fizzy, and I don't think he was exaggarating when he said he was the best thing that happened to him during that scene. As a result, he cares deeply about him, and can't bear to see him get hurt. I think Asmodeus thinks that as long as Fizzy is safe and happy, everything is just fine. So he takes the initiative to keep Fizzy from harm, cut him off from assholes from his past, and even go behind his back to do these things. He doesn't trust Fizzarolli to lead his own life, but I don't think he realizes he even should. As long as he's around, Fizz can always stay with him and depend on him. As a cardinal sin, it's not like he's going anywhere. And with that other guy out of the way, Fizz doesn't have anywhere else to go to, even if he for whatever reason wanted to. (I do not think Blitzo could support Fizzarolli in such a way, don't get me wrong, he would definitely try, but I can't imagine it ending well. Their lives just contrast a little too much.)

Mammon just lost out on his favorite clown, and he's very upset about it. I don't think he can parse out why he's so bothered, exactly! It's just Fizzarolli. He just cut him off and quit. It's not like the king of greed needs a clown imp for anything. But I think he's going to feel that vacancy in his life. Like something has been removed and he just can't fill it back up. I can't imagine him being accustomed to loss with all of his avarice. I think he'll find he hates it more than anyone else could.

See Asmodeus and Mammon are like perfect opposites to each other. Asmodeus gives, and Mammon takes. Lust is two sided, while Greed just has one. They're both manipulative, but Asmodeus' nature makes him not even realize it, while Mammon revels in it. I think that's really fun.

So time to get into epic headcanon/scenario making time!

You know how Asmodeus used to think love sucked? Well, what if Mammon and Asmodeus were exes? See, Mammodeus (especially before and without Fizz) would be a complete disaster. The previous opposition would just completely drain Asmodeus as a person, while Mammon would grow spoiled and unsatisfied. I think it would be pretty traumatizing. But I can't really stop thinking about a post-Fizz version of it, maybe set sometime after canon in a universe where Fizz elects to dump Ozzy after noticing his agency being taken away. instead of reconciling with him. I think it would start out as hatesex disaster, but it would quickly evolve into something more substantial. I think Asmodeus would be able to build something great there, having learned how to be a better lover from Fizz.

To be honest any of the pairings or a throupling has massive potential with these three characters. I'm also a big Flitz(?) fan so it was good to see all the scenes between them too. But maybe that's a post for another day.

Feel free to tell me in the comments or reblogs how hard my takes suck and how fizzaozzy or fizzmodeus is 100% healthy. If you can convince me you get a gold star and a big kiss on the cheek!

[bi-disaterlol]

Style fic.

Hello tumblr! I've never posted on this platform before. This is my first contribution to the south park fandom. I hope you enjoy!

love and comfort.

Kyle was sitting on his bed one night, thinking intently about something, or someone. Stan, his super best friend, the person he cares the most about in this world. His dark hair and fair skin, the way his face looks in the dark, his blue eyes, the kind you could get lost in. Kyle really wanted to hug him right now and tell him about the anxieties that plague his mind on nights like these, the terrifying images of his thoughts his mind somehow conjures up in his dreams, the constant voices in his head that drive him insane, the ones that tell him that he's too much, that he shouldn't exist, the ones that tell him that Stan only has eyes for Wendy even though he doesn't even like her, his brain still manages to make him think these ridiculous things and he can't control it and it makes him cry at night but he doesn't tell anyone about this because nobody will understand how things go on in his mind, nobody does, and he's come to terms with that. Kyle looked over at his clock “2:03 am” he decided it was time to ask for some comfort from Stan for once.

Texting

_______

Kyle: hey dude, I can't sleep.

Stan: me either, wyd?

Kyle: nothing. just thinking. can I climb through your window pls?

Stan: sure, but why? 

Kyle: i just really need someone right now.

Stan: ok.. i’ll be waiting.

Texting has ended.

________________

Kyle climbed out of his window and walked over to Stan's house and climbed through his window and into Stan's room.

Dialogue 

_______

Kyle: “Hey.”

Stan: “Hey, you sounded really weird over text, are you ok?”

Kyle: “Can I tell you honestly?”

Stan: “Yeah, of course.”

Kyle: “I really don't feel good, I feel really stressed and kinda sick.”

Stan: “That sucks, I'm sorry. Why do you feel stressed?”

Kyle: “This is probably not gonna make any sense but I'm just gonna say it. Sometimes, I feel like I'm too much and that the one person I care about in this world will leave me or will eventually get tired of my stupid antics. The voices in my head tell me that I shouldn't exist and it would be better if I just ran away and stopped talking to everyone, that everyone would be better off without me. And on top of all that, I often get really bad stomach aches because I cry too much. I'm sorry if I'm boring you with this, nobody wants to hear about my stupid issues. This was a bad idea. I'm sorry Stan.”

Kyle curled into a ball and tried to refrain from bursting into tears.

Stan: “I didn't know you felt like that, I'm so sorry. You're not boring me, and you don't need to be sorry, you did nothing wrong, I promise. Don't listen to the voices in your head, they're wrong. You are an amazing, kind, smart, and funny person. The world would feel empty without you, I would feel empty without you, you make me so happy. No one can compare to how much you make me feel happy, I can actually be myself around you, you make me feel complete. You're my best friend, and I care about you so much.”

Kyle's pent-up emotions got pushed over the edge and he started crying. Stan pulled him closer to him and wiped his tears with his sleeve. Stan rubbed smooth circles on Kyle's back to calm him down.

Kyle: “You really mean that?”

Stan: “Yes, I promise. How do you feel now?”

Kyle: “Better, thank you. Can I tell you something?”

Stan: “Yes.”

Kyle: “I really like you, and not just in a friendly way.”

Stan: “I like you too, you are so cute.”

Kyle: “So, will you be my boyfriend?”

Stan: “You don't know how long I've wanted you to ask me that for, and my answer is yes.”

Kyle: “Thank you. I'm getting really tired.”

Stan: “Me too, good night.”

Kyle: “Good night.”

Fin.

EDIT: this story is now posted on ao3! heres the link if you'd like to check it out: https://archiveofourown.org/works/59064799

[nokingsonlyfooles]

It can still be okay.

*puts down the feed* Oh boy.

I used to teach preschool and this is still how I modulate my speech when I'm trying to say something complicated. I'm not trying to be too overtly patronizing, I just want to get this across when I know you're dealing with a difficult transition and it's hard to listen. That happens for adults too. If you're paying attention, you'll notice how much!

To the sensible Democrats of Tumblr, if you could find it in your hearts to, perhaps, abandon the strategy of bludgeoning people who didn't want to vote Biden into viewing Harris as equally representative of the status quo and no different, that might be more helpful than the reactions I'm seeing.

I know you don't think Democrats in power are listening to the will of the voters anymore, and all we gotta do is keep voting for them anyway - you have spent so much time and energy explaining that. I understand that's a sincere belief based on your experiences, I see how you got there, and you're very invested in it - so I can't change it. If the idea of a dramatic change that might herald more dramatic changes is too upsetting, could you keep that to yourselves? You'll manage to vote blue, I'm sure of it. You were going to do that no matter what anyway. You're cool. We're cool. You're fine.

I would really like to hang on to the hope that we can reward a big, dramatic change with some big, dramatic votes, and leverage some more daring moves and big changes. Like, you know, maybe politicians DO still listen to voters, sometimes. Don't put any energy into raining on my tentative parade.

If you could, please, stop projecting your own anxieties onto people like me and realize our anxieties are very different, and saying things that would calm you down are going to scare the crap out of me. I don't want to scare the crap out of you, because then you won't listen. Probably you won't see this anyway. But I'm not you. Biden already had you.

Harris could have me if she doesn't utterly fuck it up, because I listen and make my own decisions. The idea that change is possible is a powerful motivator, but if she repudiates that with her own mouth, I won't be able to tell myself it's just to calm you down and play politics. My brain doesn't work like yours.

I can hear you too. When a whole bunch of you get together and chorus about how you're parsing this moment, it extinguishes the faint hope I must maintain to vote like I know you want me to.

The louder you scream, "EVERYTHING IS FINE" the harder it is for me to hear "change is possible when we admit it's not fine." Try to meet me where I'm standing or, you know, there's no shame in just talking to other people who feel like you do. But, ya know, you don't need to hear "vote vote vote" do ya? Does "leftists are the problem and they suck, we need to scream at them until they fall in line" benefit you any? How about: It can still be okay. Is that any better? We disagree on how, but we both still want it to be okay.

Okay. Thanks. You're a human being with a human life and you deserve to live and be happy. Keep trying to get there. Keep growing and changing as long as you live. You'll work something out.

[mochiwrites]

“The plan has changed. I’ve hired someone to do what you couldn’t do the first time.”

NONONONONONONONONO GRIAN PLEASE GRIAN NO GRIAN PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GRIAN NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONNONONONONONO

THAT TEASER YOU POSTED SOME TIME AGO MAKES THIS SO MUCH WORSE NONONONONONONONONONONONO

He knows what he has to do, what he’s meant to do. It’s the role he’s been cast to play. 

Secret life parallels oh lordy lord. i am SO UNWELL. no. NOOOOOOO. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH i legitimately dont have any words. the only way i can properly express how im feeling right now is just AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

He’s not naive and hopeful like Grian is, or as kind as Mumbo can be. He’s selfish and cruel, and his loyalty is fickle. 

this is legitimately one of my favorite parts of scar's character actually. i don't have the brain power to properly analyze this, but something about how honest he is about this is so. augh. this trait is what's ultimately going to be his demise (at least, he thinks so). he'll lose grian and mumbo (possibly through death) because he chooses tubbo over mumbo and grian. he knows and he's not proud of it but it's vital to his survival anyways so he does nothing to fight it.

i dont think i make sense at all and theres a great possibility ive mischaracterized him entirely (it wouldnt be the first time, sadly) but i love it regardless. i love how flawed he is. how flawed they all are. i love how tragic their stories are. grian with his unwavering hope and optimism that gets constantly tested (and possibly crushed at some point) and scar with his insistence to not get close that eventually stabs him in the back and mumbo with his guarded but oh so big heart that he's tentatively given out only to get hurt in some way. please correct me if any of this is wrong, btw, id rather be corrected than live in ignorance of the truth

No amount of rope can pull him out. It’ll snap apart under the weight of his actions, so why try? There’s no real point in it. 

this is why you need a grian, scar. sigh.

He needs to stop being Scar and start being the Grim Reaper. He sucks in a breath, throwing Scar away.

oh this is fantastic because scar cares so deeply for them and would do just about anything to protect them, because as much as he tries not to, scar cares and loves. but that's exactly the problem because he cares for and loves tubbo so much he'd do just about anything to protect him, including sacrificing grian and mumbo. but scar couldn't possibly do that when he cares for them so much. so he weaponizes the grim reaper, who doesn't care for anyone or anything besides getting the job done.

im genuinely just rambling here there's zero coherence to be found in any of this

“We figured we should take advantage of the peace while we can,"

wow youre really just pulling out all the stops to make this hurt as much as possible arent you

But even then… surely it wouldn’t take this long to heal. 

this is SOOOOO CONCERNING are you KIDDING ME???? MUMBO PLEASEEEEEEEEE YOU CANT DO THIS TO ME MAN😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

“Maybe we can come back tomorrow earlier.” 

i have you say you are incredible at setting the mood. having an idea of what's about to happen as a third party, watching it all unfold. grian and mumbo being right there and nearly getting to the truth, but not quite getting it because they trust scar. BECAUSE THEY TRUST SCAR!! grum and jrum being there adding to the innocence of it all and amplifying how unsettling scar's actions are. "maybe we can come back tomorrow" when there's not going to BE a tomorrow for them (assuming scar succeeds). it's so tense. it's so anxiety-inducing. it's such an intense sense of foreboding and it has my heart rate genuinely going up. infinite props to you.

He aims for Mumbo’s shoulder.

might be overthinking this but i hate that this implies the possibility that scar informed this assassin with ways to make the killing easier

He grits his teeth as he pulls another glyph from his pocket. He slams it between his hands, vines wrapping up around his arms.

GRIAN'S GLYPHS LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOO!! IT'S EVEN COOLER THAN ID IMAGINED HEHE

“Did you get hit at all?” He does a quick scan of the changeling for any injuries.

you're really making this hurt

“Dad!” the two boys cry, the word not registering to any of them in the moment. 

AAAAAAAAAA YOURE GONNA MAKE ME CRY STOP IT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Blood splatters on the ground in thick drops, spilling in the grooves of the cobble path. 

i havent read ahead and i swear to god if this is grian sacrificing himself for mumbo and he turns around and sees grian's body on the pavement and screams "GRIAN!" and that's what the teaser was and that's how it ends my brain is going to be filled with unspeakable screaming until it gets confirmation that he's okay.

“GRIAN!”

I WASNT SUPPOSED TO BE RIGHT. I WASNT SUPPOSED TO HAVE GUESSED CORRECTLY. I WASNT. THAT WASNT. IM. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

IM. I HAVE NO WORDS. I HAVEN'T A SINGLE COHERENT SENTENCE. I AM JUST. WOW. IM. WHAT. NO. NO?????? NO. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HFGJFHKFHGJFK WELL. HI LMAO

reading through all of this with a big grin because excitement and Also knowing what happens next >:3c I'd apologize about the teaser thing but I am Not sorry WHEEZE

but in regards to the scar stuff, you're 100% right, yeah, along with grian and mumbo. they're all flawed characters just trying to do the right thing with the cards they've been dealt. their best qualities are Easily their greatest weaknesses. and none of them realize it but y'know. that's what being human is all about! :D

aND THE GRIM REAPER YEAHHHH. I talk about it all the time but I genuinely love scar being the grim reaper. weaponizing it in this chapter. he's such an interesting character to both study and write

but !!!! very glad to see that the first bomb of three has landed appropriately! :D

[taywitchcrafts]

The Best Day

Inspired by me listening to the best day and crying over how much I love my dad, and by my incurable TLOU brainrot, here is 2k of Joel being an amazing dad, Sarah being an amazing kid, and both of them being happy for fucking once.

Tags: No Outbreak!AU, WORLD'S BEST DAD JOEL, basically a songfic, there is a speech and I have not written a speech in 6 years so apologies if that sucks. Liberties taken with: depicting the 90s and early 2000s, the way US schools work, the amount of speech development a 3 year old should have. I used the show's timeline for the years, btw. Crossposted to AO3

PLEASE ignore any mistakes, I am disabled, dyslexic and brain foggy.

1992

The kitchen is a veritable mess, a painting set spread across the dining table, and a plastic sheet protecting the wood from staining. Sheets of A4, some wet with paint and some already dry, cover seemingly every surface. Swashbuckling pirates, beautiful princesses, dwarves and poison apples- at least, those were the artistic vision. In reality, they're mostly stick figures with splashes of colour, painted haphazardly by the very focused 3-year-old sat at the table. Sarah babbles half-coherent explanations of everything she paints, and Joel diligently labels them with a biro, sure to tell her that every single one of them is a work of art. Tommy stands in the corner, a camcorder in hand, a smile on his face as he watches his brother and niece. Sarah holds her most recent work of art up for her beloved uncle to see, the watercolour paint running down the page a little- Joel hadn't been able to get proper watercolour paper, hadn't really known where he might, so they're making do with printer paper. It doesn't absorb the paint nearly as well, but it'll dry eventually. He hopes.

Tommy squints at Joel's scribble at the top of the page- Cinderella- and smiles at her. "Belongs in the Louvre, that does." He says, focusing the camcorder on the page. "What's the L-... Louvre?" Sarah asks, taking a moment to get used to the new word. "It's an art museum, sweetheart," Joel says, kissing her forehead. "Uncle Tommy's right. You're a superstar. But even superstars need rest, or they ain't able t'shine. So let's clean you up, and then it's time for bed for you, baby girl." Sarah pouts, but her argument is interrupted by a yawn.

Sitting on the edge of the sink while Joel scrubs her hand, she scrunches up her nose. "Daddy, why doesn't Cinderella just leave, when they're so mean to her?" She asks, with all the gravity of someone asking a politician how they plan to tackle a brewing war. He hums, thinking on how to phrase this. "Sometimes, sweetheart, people are so mean for so long that the people they're being mean to feel like they have no way to get away from it." He frowns. "You ever feel like that, you tell me, yeah? I'll come and get you away. No matter what."

A few minutes later as he tucks her into bed, freshly clean, she reaches up and presses her tiny fingers into his cheek. "You're so strong, Daddy. Like Superman." He smiles down at her. "And you're pretty as a princess, baby girl." He switches her nightlight on, kisses the top of her head. He's about to offer her a story, but she's already fast asleep. He sighs, staring down at her for a few moments.

"I'll keep you safe from anythin' that might hurt ya." He whispers, promising her even though she can't hear him.

1994

When Sarah is 5 years old, Joel takes her to a pumpkin patch. The sky is grey-blue when they arrive, and he makes sure to listen to the weather report on the truck's radio before deciding whether to bring the umbrella out of the back seat. He unclips her from her car seat, and he doesn't even have the door shut before she's running off. His laugh is exasperated but affectionate as he runs after her, hurriedly locking the truck, but she's already lost in a sea of people.

Panic grips him, as well as regret that he didn't take his anxiety pills this morning, and that he didn't think to tell her to hold onto his sleeve while he locked the car so she wouldn't run off. He's looking around desperately, trying to focus more on finding her than the dangers he can see that she could run into, when he catches a glimpse of her- a flash of lavender on the other side of the crowd. Where she gets her speed, her energy, he'll never understand, but he musters his own and runs after her, into a field he's sure they're not meant to be in. Hopefully, farmers understand that whims of a 5-year-old.

He catches up to her only when she comes to a stop, clearly having exhausted her sudden burst of excited energy. He comes to a halt next to her, taking a moment to catch his breath. His physical fitness applies to manual labour, not long-distance sprints. "Sweetheart, you can't just run off like that, you'll give me a heart attack-" He begins, but when he looks down at the way she's smiling, at how her big puffy winter coat makes her look like a penguin dyed lavender, at her fascination with the way the horizon is slowly turning gold, he can't help the affectionate laugh that spills out of him, bringing his gentle lesson to a halt. Sarah glances up at him when she hears his laugh, wrapping her tiny arms around his calf and hugging tight, and he calms immediately. She has that effect on him.

He sits down in the field, among the corn, holding onto the back of her coat to stop her running off as they watch golden hues paint across the sky, fading in places into pinks and purples. He fishes his Fujifilm out of his coat pocket, holding it up to snap a photo of her against the sunset, just as she turns back to smile at him. The result is a candid snap of the grin she reserves only for him, an unreserved beaming smile that warms his heart every time it crosses her face. She sits in his lap as the sky fades to grey, falling asleep with an ease that seems reserved only for kids. They'd done none of the things she'd said she wanted to, but she seemed so happy that he doesn't mind. She's probably forgotten all of it anyway.

He carries Sarah back to the truck, putting the Snow White soundtrack into the cassette player in case she wakes up when he starts it- which, of course, she does. She sings along, quiet and groggy at first but getting louder. As he pulls into the McDonald's drive-thru, she turns to look at him. "Can we go to Snow White's house, Daddy? I wanna tell her she's my favourite." Joel smiles, his heart swelling all over again. "I'll give her a call, sweetheart. See if I can arrange it."

He saves up for months, and takes her to Disneyland for her 6th birthday.

2002

Not long before Sarah finishes middle school, she walks into the house at 4 pm on a Thursday and devolves into a flood of tears. Joel's barely been home 5 minutes, exhausted and aching, but he cradles her in his arms instantly, comforting her in soothing whispers before he even knows the problem. As soon as she's calm enough to explain what happened- how her friends decided out of the blue that they hate her, and never even told her why-he's grabbing the keys to his truck. He lets her pick the tape, and sings along with her even though he hates Atomic Kitten, because he loves her more. He drives until her tears are dry, until she's smiling in the passenger seat and rolling her eyes at his awful jokes.

The town they end up in is miles from home, and he smiles down at her when she clings to his coat sleeve while they queue at a hot dog stand, the same way she used to when she was a tot. They eat their hot dogs on a park bench, while she tells him about how Liz Hurley has just given birth, and what Britney Spears is up to right now. He listens intently, as he always does, even though he's struggling to keep up with the speed of her rambling. When they finish eating he follows her into the nearby mall, making a mental note of anything she says she likes, for birthday gift ideas. He gives her $30 and lets her buy whatever she wants, smiling enthusiastically when she drags him to checkout with a purse shaped like a guitar, a set of plastic bead bracelets and two sweatshirts. It comes to $35, and he doesn't hesitate to hand another 5 dollar bill over, even when she offers to put the bracelets back. She falls asleep in the passenger seat on the drive home, and Joel smiles to himself. She grows more every day- sometimes he swears he blinked the day she was born and ended up 13 years older with a teenager - but Sarah's still his little girl. She still needs her dad, and he's always gonna be there.

Keeping her safe, like he promised her 10 years ago.

2008- May

Joel sits on a rickety plastic chair in a rundown auditorium next to his brother, and watches his baby girl accept her high school diploma. The golden sash around her shoulders makes him swell with pride, and though he promised himself he wouldn't cry, his eyes are watering the second her valedictorian speech begins. Inspiration was the theme she'd told him when he asked, but she'd refused to let him read it. He soon understands why.

"I can talk about my literary inspirations, or my political ones, and you can nod and agree with me, but I wouldn't be doing myself justice." She says, a third of the way into her speech. "But the worst injustice would be to my biggest inspiration of all. My father." Joel's vision blurs with tears, and he's immediately grateful for Tommy's rare moment of foresight in insisting he bring a packet of tissues. "My father is my rock. My biggest supporter and my best friend. He keeps me grounded, he gives me strength. He's on my side even when I'm wrong, but he never lets me dwell in ignorance. Without him, I would never have arrived here. He's been with me through all the hard work, 18 years of painful life lessons and unfortunate regrets- but also the moments of joy and love, the things I'll never forget. He taught me to work, to endure, to keep going no matter what. And he taught me to laugh, and to love, and to find joy even in the mundane. Of all my inspirations, of all the stars I wish upon- my dad shines the brightest."

Joel might as well be sobbing, and he doesn't care a bit who sees him. He'd been worried when Sarah got accepted into Columbia, that her moving so far would create an emotional distance between them, that she'd grow up and forget about her old man. For some reason, it had never occurred to him that she loved him so much that he would be unforgettable. That she would call him her biggest inspiration... He'll be crying over that for the rest of his life. He glances over at Tommy, finding him blubbering just the same. The key difference between them is the camcorder he holds, the same one he's been using to record key moments in her life since he bought it 15 years ago. Joel hadn't even realised he'd brung it with him, but oh, he's so grateful for him in that moment.

A permanent record of the proudest moment in his life- tied only with the day Sarah was born.

2008- July

He takes her to Disneyland again, for her 19th birthday. Just a month before she's due to head off for college. The itinerary is far removed from the one they followed 13 years prior- replacing The Country Bear Jamboree with Star Tours, Goofy's Bounce House with the Haunted Mansion, the Mad Tea Party with Mark Twain's Riverboat. That evening, in the twin hotel room Joel booked, Sarah comes out of the bathroom after brushing her teeth and catches him by surprise with a hug that practically winds him. He's stumped by what prompted such a forceful display of affection, until she looks up at him with tearful eyes and whispers: "I had the best day with you today, Dad."

And Joel realises that excitement for the next step in her adventure isn't the only feeling they share. That the ache in his heart at the idea of leaving her behind in New York next month, the feeling that she's growing up too fast, the need to find a way to grasp the sands of time and slow them down just for a moment, so he doesn't have to let her go- all of that is shared as well.

"Me too, sweetheart." He whispers, kissing her forehead. "The best."

[calextheneko]

Upcoming Birthday and Life Update

So first up, my birthday is coming up, and I've set up a Throne wish list for those who want to do presents. But also, I just appreciate the thought, so don't feel you're obligated. Just stopping by to say Happy Birthday on the day it comes is enough for me to get warm fuzzies. But for those who want to do presents, know I am exceptionally grateful and here is the link https://throne.com/calextheneko Now writing status. Headaches aren't as intense lately but they're still omnipresent and I've gotten a lot of really bad pain spikes. In addition I can't seem to take my ADD medicine without hurting my throat and risking higher pain spikes... So not doing well. I've been working on the current story for Switch City for over two months now and progress is slow. That one is a Patreon exclusive so will only be available on Patreon for $1 and up supporters when it does come out. After that will try to get some of the stories that are done edited so they can be uploaded to all galleries. Patreon is frozen again due to not making enough progress to justify having it open, especially since each month adds a bunch of things to my queue. I need to make sure I can get my queue reliably smaller each month before I open it back up. If anyone wants to provide general support for my writing while Patreon is paused you can use Ko-Fi. As well as could also use that for giving my birthday spending money too. Again, never required, and I will survive without it, but the option is there and I'm always very thankful. Here's the KoFi link https://ko-fi.com/calextheneko Anyway, you have all been more patient than I could ever have had the right to request. And I thank you. Health issues suck. Kids, don't get old. It's not great. Seeing neurologist this week and likely going on shots again. While no specific treatment has worked so far, a lot have caused improvements but not gotten rid of the daily migraines. So, we're hoping if we combine some things that address different causes it might finally do the job. There's some kind of pinched nerve in the back of my head, plus genetic disposition for frequent migraines (and had them all my life just didn't use to be every single day) and stress/anxiety cause of my dumb autistic traumatized brain and some other things I don't fully understand but yeah it seems like all of it just wound up being too much and exploded my two or three times a month migraines to every single zod danged day without exception. I really hope this new change in medications coming up later this week fixes it and lets me finally get back to doing what I love. Because a kitten who doesn't get to stretch his creative muscles is a very sad kitten. Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read this and check up on me. It's not all doom and gloom. My cats like to keep my company on days I'm stuck in bed hiding, and they're very sweet helping to keep my mood lifted... And steal my food... And defile my water glass. Cause... You know. Cats. XD

[queersolarfandompage]

⚠️TW Vent⚠️ I don’t know what to warn for but it’s basically about being an autistic kid raised by a non autistic parent

My father unintentionally said something really shitty to me today. We were talking about my new job and the anxiety I had when he brought up I might have to shave for the job and the relief when the job told me I did not. The conversation continued about how I like my beard. It makes me feel masculine and handsome. My father disagreed saying my beard was patchy (which honestly it is) and it didn't make me handsome.

And here's where my brain splits. Knowing my father I know that's what he meant. He thinks the beard does not make me hands-on, not that he thinks I'm not handsome, but it is not because of the beard.

But what I hear is “You're not handsome.” Which sucks as someone who already has a plethora of issues with my body. It broke a piece of my self confidence which I've just started to gain.

We jokingly go back and forth with it. “My beard makes me handsome.” “No it doesn't.” “I am handsome.” “Think what you want.”

I don't know if my father considers me handsome. That thread of self-consciousness starts to spread and I convince myself he meant what he said.

I'd moved on and was saying good night to my stepmom, joking about how I'd asked my father to take me clothes shopping instead of her. After a bit of joking around I made a joke about not wanting to take my father anymore because he's mean to me. A joke I use a lot when something minor doesn't go my way. You won't let me rub glitter on you? God you're so mean to me. You don't play along with my games like I hoped you would? You're so mean to me. It's never a real issue when I say it, just a joking pout.

So my stepmom asks what my father had done, and I had to think on what “mean” things my father has done and still in a joking manor I tell my step mom about the beard discussion.

And she gets this look about her. God I just put my dad in the dog house. Because she heard the same thing I did, even though I explained it the way my father meant it. “He said my beard is patch and it doesn't make me attractive.”

I'm not really upset by the matter but I'm not fine with it either. I should explain to my dad how it sounds to me, but the fear of him agreeing stops me. I've also never been great with communicating how something makes me feel. Which is probably why my stepmom took the issue so strongly. But like I feel bad for getting my dad in trouble for it.

On the other hand my stepmom is probably the best thing that's happened to my father and me (not my older brother but he's a dick anyway.) Especially since an old therapist suggested I may have autism. Like as a kid food was the enemy. I had a very select group of food I would eat, like most children, but I wouldn't eat food that touched without a fight. I refused to mix food (like spaghetti noodles and tomato sauce.) if my father ever treated to leave me at the dinner table until I finished my plate is get comfortable and sleep there.

And I just think of a couple years ago when my dad and I got into a huge fight about spaghetti. My parents had a rule that I needed both pasta and tomato sauce on my plate, otherwise I'd just eat a plat of noodles. I'd accepted those terms and while never a lot, always made sure my plate had tomato sauce along with my pasta. After some time my father decided it was time I start mixing the two and that fight was bad. My father had threatened to blend all of my food together and have me drink it, and he tried to smack my mouth for back talking, but missed and gave me a bloody nose. Eventually my stepmom involved herself, because the fight had escalated too much, and started chewing my dad out. I was eating the food anyway. What did it matter if it was mixed or not? And since my father has never brought up the issue again.

I don’t believe my father is a bad guy, but he has ideas that don’t work with my brain. He thinks things should be a certain way and I didn’t fit that mold so he tried to teach it to me the best way he knew how to forcing me to bed to his ideas. And my stepmom has taught him that maybe that isn’t the best thing to do, and has helped him become more open and communicative.

Another little autistic thing my brain is thinking about is comfort clothing. Not like I’m wearing this because it’s comfy, but I’ve worn this same jacket for the last 8 weeks because it makes me not want to die. I remember my mother making me throw away one of my comfort shirts when I was younger because it no longer fit me, and it was a fight. Or I used to get comments about wearing the same thing for two days in a row or before and after a shower. And now with the McGill Sweater, nearly every moment I’m home I’m wearing it. It’s another thing that makes me feel attractive and it brings me so much joy. Neither of my parents have commented on how often I’m seen wearing it, and as long as it’s in the house and I’m keeping up on my hygiene it’s not too big an issue.

Anyway I love my stepmom. She is my favorite parent and both my biological parents know that. Rip little 9 year old me who believed in evil stepmothers and hated her for taking my mom’s place. Yeah we don’t always get along, but she cares about me like I was her own child and loves me as such.

[vulpine111]

I just woke up and this is something that comes back to haunt me a lot, still. (Even years later.)

I remember while I was recovering from living in and out of wards at the mental home, I was out of it to the extent I had an unrealistic idea of when I'd die. This was due to an HPV diagnosis and a biopsy where they found abnormal cells. I wasn't sure if I would die while under anesthesia for the procedure to burn off the start of cervical cancer or how good my kidneys still were after prior attempts to end it all.

It can also take years to fully bounce back from the level of psychosis I suffered. I was still low-key psychotic at that place because the meds they had me on were sub par and my dad was trying to say I'm not "allowed" to advocate for myself and try something that might work better.

Due to fear/anxiety, I asked one of my then friends something rather rude. Basically, if I could stay with her. I didn't think it would be for long either. I just needed someone to agree that their address was where I was headed to prevent the mental home from filling out a missing person's report. I didn't want to just rot there.

It was an inappropriate question which I am wholeheartedly sorry for, but I still don't understand why she took it muchly out of context and cut ties with me. She went a step further to insult me and my character before doing it too.

I was dealing with a lot of emotional abuse from my parents at the time. My mother fed into my fears. When I explained I wanted to be buried here in New Mexico, she said I "wasn't coming home." I was going to be cremated and sent to some plot she owns in Ohio because I'm not even worth the cost or time a proper funeral entails.

In such a vulnerable state, I don't know how to fully explain how much it messed with my head to be treated like some irredeemable, worthless monster who doesn't truly care for anyone or even deserve the courtesy of having my remains handled as I wish.

I do care about other people. I care about everyone at least a little bit. Even people I don't understand.

When I'm psychotic, I don't, though! Why? Cuz I ain't there! I wish people wouldn't take it personally, but it can be hard not to if you've never been mentally compromised, I suppose. I basically just didn't have the "room" to care.

The capacity. The bandwidth. Whatever you want to call it. It wasn't there because I was depleted from my brain doing what it does instead of work the way it's supposed to.

I understand (to outsiders) psychosis is disturbing to deal with over the years, but imagine how it must feel for the person going through it. I tried to explain all this to her, but she wouldn't hear me.

She said, "Psychosis sucks but it isn't a reason to be nice to you."

As if we schizophrenics are sub-human and less worthy of compassion. It still hurts, okay? It hurts. It hurts I was dismissed about something I can't even help and am doing my best to manage. Psychosis doesn't just "suck." It's devastating.

Many people still demonize and stigmatize me for what I've been through even though they wouldn't last one day in my shoes and I'm just tired. Sometimes, the grief eats at me and I cry.

It's a huge burden to carry and I don't comprehend why God gave it to me while depriving me of what I hoped to have by now.

Some people are lucky. Their lives are full. I wish my life was like theirs. They have careers, partners, homes, pets, and other blessings I wish I had. This friend who dropped me is way more fortunate than I've ever been.

She has a family. A husband. A house. An education. A job and the ability to hold that job. She's appreciated and loved in ways I probably never will be.

The least she could have done was be there for me while I try and pick up the pieces of my shattered psyche, but after a while, people get sick of tolerating the poor pathetic mental patient.

I wish God had dealt me a better hand.

It's not fair.

[bluethistle]

Conversations

I see him around town a lot now that I've moved back. It was weird. When we moved away there would be days, even weeks where he wouldn't even cross my mind but now that I'm back, it's a daily occurrence. I can't drive around town without some reminder of him being shoved in my face. I can't go to the gym without seeing him and his new girlfriend. I can't go a single day without worrying if I'm going to see him at the grocery store or at the park where I walk my dog. Why is this panic still happening? It's been almost 5 years since we were together but everyday it's like it was just a couple months ago. Why can't I just be cured of this? I see him and it's a mixture of remembering everything bad that happened clouded by the good my brain puts to the forefront. He and I weren't good together, I wasn't kind to him and he pushed me too hard so why does my brain miss his company and familiarity? What the hell is wrong with me? I feel like I'm crazy and it's exhausting. I guess there was a lot that just went unsaid that I wish I could get off my chest to his face. I'd honestly love to go lunch or something with him and just talk but that will never happen. So here's a list of things I wish I could say that I can't so I'm just writing it here.

1. I'm sorry I was so mean to you. I was 17 and I didn't understand my unkindness. I was rereading some things I wrote to you and I'm so sorry I put you through that type of confusion. I wish I could apologize because I blamed you for everything that went wrong, but that was wrong. I was wrong. I was stupid and I'm really sorry about that. I never thought about how that would feel to be you because in the hurt, it was easier to make you the villain. That was so selfish of me. I've got a lot of regrets of how I treated you in the end.

2. I honestly do miss you some days even though it's been a long time. You really were my best friend for almost 3 years while I was still growing up and then you were gone and I shoved you away. There were a lot of plans and promises made between you and me. You brought security and understanding to a pretty stressed-out kid. We had fun together and did a lot of things we probably shouldn't have. I see you and it all comes back to me and it's exhausting to try and mentally block it all.

3. Sometimes it's easier for me to wish you unhappiness. I think you're happy, at least you seem to be. But the selfish part of me doesn't want you to be, just like I imagine, deep down you don't want me to be, despite what you say. I am happy with where I'm at and I don't think I'd be happy with you but I still wonder I guess.

4. I still don't know if what happened between us was completely wrong or if I'm just making things up. You did a lot of things to me that I don't think you should have but was it as bad as my brain tells me it was? I don't know if there was actual abuse and manipulation or if I'm just confused about those words' definitions. When I see you, it still elicits a fight or flight response and that makes me wonder if you and I were more screwed up than I can remember. Or if it's just me being dramatic? I would love for someone to just tell me what the hell is wrong with me. Do you get that type of response when you see me?

5. I wish I could move away again so I'd never have to see you again because seeing you around all the time really sucks. It makes it hard for me to get over it all. Does any of this happen to you or am I just losing my mind?

6. I don't hate you just so you know. Like truly, I don't. And I hope you don't hate me anymore even though what I did was so nasty. I genuinely do wish I could talk to you one more time where we lay it all out and clear the air of all the things we let go unsaid. Mainly all the things I let go unsaid. But I'm terrified it's just me who's dealing with all this inner turmoil and anxiety and I don't know why it's happening all of a sudden. I went years without feeling this and now it's back and it's overwhelming and frustrating.

7. I just want to know if after you see me, you still think about me and wonder what could've happened or how I'm doing, or what I'm up to, or what's changed. Or maybe you don't feel anything at all. I couldn't blame you if you didn't.

I straight up felt like a psychopath writing this all down but I'm so frustrated and confused and I just needed to get it out of my head.

[bnerdler]

This week has been a really shitty week. This post is mostly just me venting. I'll be OK, im not looking for pity. I have a support system and coping strategies to sort myself out I just need to vent a little.

I moved on Thursday last week from my 1x1 apartment that was slowly draining me of money into my friends townhome which is going to half my living expenses. And that's great and all but my cat has extreme aggression and anxiety problems. He'd been getting medicated for it but he's got such a high drug tolerance that anything we give him we have to double the dosage for it to have the effect that the normal dose would have for a normal cat.

Needless to say, during the move on Thursday he broke out of the room I'd had him and my other cat in while I got my room set up. In the process of getting him back in the room and into the crate, he bit my hand and scratched up one of my roommates. We got him started on a short term sedation drug while we weighed the options over the weekend. He settled down enough to not be so scared he attacks me but just yowls for hours nonstop due to separation anxiety.

The vet thinks he might have a brain tumor which has caused the aggression. Even scared cats don't normally attack their owners. But I can't afford to get him brain scans to diagnose much less treatment if he does. Not to mention the off cha ce that it's not a tumor or that it is but treatment doesn't help. We've decided to drug the hell out of him. We upped the dosage of the anxiety meds he was already on, added in a secondary anxiety drug, and I'm slowly getting the rest of the stuff the vet suggested such as cbd oil, pheromone sprays, and the like. If it says "calming" on it im getting it. Its... only mildly helping so far but we've only been here a week and today is the last day of the sedation drug and we started the new anti-anxiety meds yesterday. I just really hope this works. I hope this is all worth it and gives me a cat that I love being around. That im not scared of. That I'm scared for.

Like on a scale of 1-10 how anxious are you, my cat is constantly living at a 10. He has no quality of living like that. He can't be around other people bc he will attack them. And he's just anxious and scared out of his mind all the time. So if this new action plan doesnt work... well I'll have to euthanize him. And I really really don't want to have to make that decision.

I got the news about all this on Monday and just sobbed for like 6 hours straight. And I still had to go to work.

It's been a shit week at work too. The boss man was having a gout flair up from stress so he's grumpy and in pain which has made him irritable and altogether unpleasant to be around. He's also been really paranoid bc of the stress. We have security cameras in the school which isn't a bad thing, we need to have them. But the fact that he watches the feed, purposely moved the camera over the front desk to monitor everything I do, calls me and asks me what I'm doing when I'm there alone. Like yesterday the spot where my cat bit me was feeling very sore, so I was icing it and he calls me and asks me what happened to my hand. And like it's not like I'm fucking around at work. I do my work I get my shit done. But it's the assumption that I am and that even when I'm alone, I'm still being watched and have to monitor myself. Like I was raised barely reformed jewish. I wasn't meant for this Christian guilt panopticon bullshit.

faked an emergency to go home early last night bc I just could not stand being around the boss man last night. I did not want to take class with him. I was already emotionally at my wits end and was not in the place to deal with him.

It's also the anniversary of my grandfather's passing. So just the reminder of oh yeah I buried my grandfather on this day 2 years ago sucks.

And then also there's the news about moonbin which is hitting me hard too. Like when jonghyun passed I didn't consider myself a shawol (I still dont). But there was a really long time where I couldn't listen to shinee's music. But with astro and moonbin? I've been an Aroha since day one. The day hide and seek came out, I listened to it nonstop. Their music helped me through some really dark times bc it was just impossible for me to be sad while listening to their music. And as shallow as it feels to say it, moonbin was my bias. He was also incredibly close in age to me. He was born only a week before I was so that just makes it hit different. I know that one day I will be able to listen to Astros music again and feel joy but I don't know how long that will take.

And this weekend is my boyfriend and my roommates birthday but I don't know how I'm supposed to go out clubbing with them when all I want to do is stare at a wall and not think. Like my social and emotional batteries are just drained. I really don't want to have to perform being a person. Just for 24 hours I need to turn off. Like you know when a computer is giving you problems? I feel like that like someone just needs to turn me off and then turn me back on after waiting 30 seconds.

It's just all this heavy things this week, all the grief and stress. Not to mention the kids I work with being absolutely off the rails too. They've been pushing every single button. And I just have no patience for it.

And on the one hand I want to channel all this emotion and grief into my writing, on the other hand I just want to not do anything. I'm like any minor inconvenience will set me off crying.

I'm also just living on the razors edge monetarily. I've got no savings, my credit card is maxed out, I've got bills to pay, and I don't get paid enough to cover it all. At the last apartment I was living paycheck to paycheck with barely enough to cover my most pressing bills: rent, utilities, food, gas. I had to put off buying new underwear for like 6 months bc I couldn't even afford the $10 for a pack of the cheap Walmart shit. I've also got some big bills happening right now. With the move I had to break my least which cost me. Getting into the new place I've got food costs bc I finished almost all of my staples before the move. I've got all this shit for my cat. I'm behind on my student loans. I'm behind on my membership for taekwondo. I'm going on a cruise in like 20 days and I need to have money for that. Afterwards is our tournament and I want to compete which costs money that i dont even know if I'll have. I'm just tired of living frugally not because I want to but because I have to.

I'm just tired.

So that's where I'm at lmao.

[yukiyukina]

ohhh boy, this is gonna be long, sorry y'all

Because, like, some issues that i have aren't even getting diagnosed because my therapist ignores them which is great because who doesn't want to feel like they're dying all the time? and, like, the baseline is that i'm autistic and that was diagnosed, like, last year and now everyone nows that i struggle with... everything? but i still get ignored so yeahhh. and helping with my depression, like the meds are supposed to, isn't working that great either. i'd love to get something against the anxiety, so that my brain stops shouting at me all the time. i don't even know why i'm anxious half the time but it feels like i'm dying 24/7 and when i bring it up in therapy she goes just like "oh well, that's not good, anyways..." and that is so incredibly helpful. the only thing i wanna do is just fucking stop existing but that#s unfortunately not an option either so i'm stuck in this hell. it's so great. and the fucking cherry on top is that i'm too fucking lazy and depressed to do anything. and because i do not understand people i'm so afraid to go outside that i literally can't function, and everything is so fucking loud and it smells so bad everywhere and it just fucking sucks. and everyone i try to go to for help just says that i have to suck it up because that's just life?? like, i don't know if you noticed but i don't wanna do this whole living thing? which is why i'm stuck in therapy now? with someone so concerned about me unaliving myself that she doesn't listen to my other problems? who is also focused on my unhealthy coping mechanisms and how i can't do that anymore because it's bad for me. no shit sherlock, it kinda sounds like that could be the point... and until you tell me how i can fucking function without breaking down very five minutes, i can not promise anything, because when i'm not allowed to just die i have to keep myself alive somehow, right? and it's either one or the other, soooo...

yeah, i'm gonna cut myself off here, but literally no one listens when i try to tell them and the one who does is as unstable as me so i don't wanna be a bigger burden than i am anyways, so just gonna vent here and hope i don't annoy anyone... i'm literally shaking because anxiety is a bitch and doesn't want to allow me to post this because what if it annoys anyone and then it's my fault and because my english is so bad it's gonna be disgusting to read and who would even read this because no one cares and i'm not important anyways.

it's always great when depression and anxiety are battling. who will win? who knows, not me.

[rain-in-the-clouds]

I don't normally vent on this blog, despite it being my main, mostly I just try and share what I love and whatnot. But like so many my age, older and younger, I have a love/obsession/hatred of tiktok.

It's a fun app that can be so nice and a great place to build community, have fun and be silly. But my fucking gods, that is not what its like 99.99999% of the time. And no I know I'm no one special in saying any of this. But I gotta vent, and at least here I can scream into the void knowing if anyone is gonna scream back it's gonna be about something completely different and probably about cats, food, boobs, or Fandom, and honestly that's what makes this the best site.

Anyways, I've struggled with anxiety for the majority of my life, depression as a side helping, and a medley of other things. About six months before the pandemic my anxiety skyrocketed, I started having massive panic attacks every day multiple times a day. At one point it felt like I was just existing through the day to eventually deal with a night filled with the feelings of death.

It was awful, I was barely living.

This is a tangent, but if anyone knows the song Overkill by Colin Hay, I used to sing that song a lot as a kid, like 6-7 years old singing that song, one day to gorw up living the life the song depicts. The lyrics that stick with me: "I can't get to sleep. I worry over situations I know will be alright. Day after day it reapers, night after night my heart beat shows the fear."

It was night after night after night, months went by like this. By middle of 2020 I was.... I wasn't ok. A way I had helped myself during that time, before I got some help and the meds I need, I would use tiktok. Now I'd use its worst attributes to my gain.

It's short form content and use of short attention spans was, especially in the moment, very helpful for subduing (most of the time it just delayed the panic attack) but my goal was never to outright stop the panic attacks, cus I had no way to do that, but to distract my brain long enough to get tired and pass out. It worked for a good while. It especially worked for stopping an attack right as it was starting.

Fast forward to now. Just like prior to the panic attacks I use tiktok to have fun, goof around and see cool stuff, (don't get me wrong I'm all about activism, and I use tiktok like any other for that too, but that's for when I'm in a good place mentally) but now, idk it's like I've let it corrupt me. The past year especially, I've gotten into more arguments in tiktok comments then I've gotten into arguments irl, doesn't matter if the argument was valid or not or even worth arguing over.

And I know it's the internet, nothing stays innocent forever, yes I know. But what I'm saying is tiktok in particular has somehow become more toxic then the majority or surface level internet. To me, it seems like it's trying to become the next 4chan more then the next tumblr. And I had hopes that it was heading in the direction of this hellsite, the Fandom elements there, book lovers, science, all of it: seriously seeing people ask ScienceTok, or BookTok, just makes me flashback to the days of "Science side of tumblr what does xyz mean?"

But no, instead we get the love child of vine and 4chan, it's half cousin-brother reddit somehow looks better next to tiktok.

It's dumb, it really is, cus yes the simple answer is, get off tiktok. But it's not simple, my livelihood relies on social media, for many reasons, like many people. The answer I've been going with is limiting myself on time spent, and I've been successful, I go a week or two without even opening the app, then hop on to check in, post and get a good laugh. But somehow, even if it's just one day, it has the power, (that I give it by gods) to suck me in and make me mad at something, even if it is something to be mad about, doesn't mean it's something I have to let get so under my skin it causes this to happen, (the this being moving to my og site and venting my woes)

It's just such a disappointment. At least I'll always have tumblr.