#horrible poll cake

[witch]

Cooking With Tumblr: "Why Are We Here? Just to Suffer?" Edition

Tumblr, I come to you as a woman on the verge of fulfilling her destiny. Thanks to a viral poll by @relientk, the newest meme on Tumblr is vanilla extract, specifically the act of using too much of it. Pure vanilla extract is, of course, expensive and also strong in small amounts. Who among us has that much vanilla extract on hand and is foolish enough to attempt this?

Me.

For personal reasons, I have a lot of vanilla extract in my apartment. It was here before the meme, and it will be here after. I had all the ingredients for the horrible poll cake except for milk, so I went out and bought some milk. It is three in the morning and very cold outside. Why am I doing this now instead of waiting for the poll to finish? Two reasons: the first being how fickle the internet in burning through memes, and the second being that five days gives my better judgement enough time to convince me not to do this.

Will God stop my sinful hands before the cake makes it into the oven? Let's find out!

[bookofmormonmemes]

Ammon has always been the hottest Book of Mormon sexy man to me not because of the many supposed multiple amputations he caused but because one time his love as a missionary made him so happy (while his blood sugar was low) that he fainted (into Alma's arms, I imagine)

I love a sensitive teacherly type......who tends sheep and respects women and the indigenous populations?? HE'S CUTE OK HE DRINKS HIS RESPECT JUICE EVERY MORNING but forgets the muffin so he doesn't faint from excitement

Also it's my theory that he just disarmed everyone of of their weapons Jedi style and that freaked everyone out while he was just chillin full of the power of God

reblog to remind ammon to eat her morning muffin so she doesn't faint from excitement when she wins the sexymormon tournament!!!

[m1dnightsnackz]

[auteurdelabre]

Please, Mr. Miller? Sequel part 3 - DBF!Joel x f!Reader

As I type this, the winner of the "What story should I post next?" poll is this one by a landslide, which is lucky because I can't get these two horny idiots outta my head.

summary: After fucking Joel Miller in a bathroom during dinner with your BF and best friend Sarah last night he suggests you two meet to talk things out before you leave for Ibiza. . . But talking isn't all you do.

Part 3 of this sequel of PWP with a lil' plot thrown in. Suspend your disbelief y'all.

words: 7.6k

rating: 18+

warnings: Dirty Talk, Daddy Kink, Kissing, Exhibitionism, Cuckhold, oral (F and M receiving), Infidelity, Caught in the Act, Angst, Age Gap, Possessiveness,

a/n: I write some depraved shit, but I think this might take the cake. You've been warned.

masterlist here

[2:45pm] HIM💜 : We gotta talk

[2:48pm] I'm leaving for Ibiza at five. I'm packing. 

[2:448pm] HIM💜: Sarah is with Charlie. She told me they're gonna spend the night in town.  Some anniversary thing.

[2:49pm] K

[2:50pm] HIM💜: So maybe I could come over and we could talk about everything?

[2:55pm] I don't know Joel

[2:55pm] HIM💜: No funny business. I think we just need to get things out in the open 

[2:57pm] HIM💜: Please

[2:59pm] Ok.

///

Joel arrives an hour later with two coffees and a sheepish expression on his handsome face. The dorms are mostly empty thanks to spring break, so no one sees the man coming into your room. You step back, letting him enter as you take the coffee from him with a soft thanks. He’s wearing a soft grey t-shirt under a green plaid flannel, his dark jeans straining over his thighs.

You take a sip of the coffee, trying to fight the affection that swims in your chest when you realize he knows exactly how you take it.

"Didn't really get a good look at this place yesterday," Joel says as he walks the perimeter of the small space trying to work up the courage to broach the topic you both want to dance around. "S'cozy."

Joel looks at your bed and you see something pass behind his eyes; a thought, a feeling, you're not quite sure. You wiser what he thinks of your pale pink sheets and fluffy pillows. If he notices the books that are strewn over your nightstand. 

"I'm reading this one right now," he mutters, pointing to Bloom Meridian sitting atop the pile. "S' good."

"I'm enjoying it,” you offer stiffly. You don’t know how to feel about him right now. He looks and smells so damn good, but at the same time all you can think of is how he ignored you until last night. How he stopped responding to your texts until he wanted something. You put the coffee cup on your dresser, feeling nervous.

“Joel you didn’t come here to talk books.”

Joel blinks a moment before he nods awkwardly, draining what remains of his coffee before dropping it in the garbage can. He inhales slowly, like a balloon being filled and then he fixes you with a stern look.

"I just wanted to come over to say that this is getting out of control," Joel says quietly. 

No shit. 

You manage to get out a sharp laugh of derision. "I'm not the one who followed me into a bathroom, Joel." 

Joel holds his hands up in defense. "Not saying it's you. It's me too. More me than anything and I'm sorry for it."

Sorry for it.

Regret.

It’s all there etched in the crinkles of his wary eyes as he stares at you. No, he’s staring at your ear, not able to look directly into your eyes. For some reason this makes you furious and heartbroken all in one stroke. Your arms cross in front of your chest, holding you and your emotions at bay.

"I wish you were sorry for calling me when you were drunk," you shoot back finding no reason not to lay into him. "And for fingering me at a table surrounded by everyone including my fucking boyfriend."

Joel's cheeks flush and he winces. You see the way his shoulders slump and his head tilts to look at the ground in shame.

"I’m real sorry for that too. That was a horrible fucking thing to do."

And yet it’s not that which hurts the most. It’s what he said that night of the phone call. The sentence that’s been running around in your mind for the last few weeks. The thing that keeps you up when you should be asleep.  

"I really wish you'd apologize for telling me I was gonna ruin your life."

Joel’s head jerks up. "Huh? When did I do that?"

"The drunk phone call."

"Fuck," Joel's hand drags down his face. "I don't even remember that. But I mean..."

He trails off and with every beat of silence you feel your ire grow. Is he actually trying to blame everything on you? You stride over to him, gratified when he takes a nervous step backwards into Sarah’s dresser.  

"You're saying I ruined your life?" Anger courses through you now, red hot and piping. You shove his muscled shoulders brutally and he doesn't move. "You're saying you didn't ruin mine? You think you don't haunt my fucking dreams?"

Each word is punctuated with an attempted punch against Joel's chest that he deflects gently by taking your wrists in his hands, holding you, tears in both of your eyes.

"You think I haven't thought about you every fucking day since Christmas?" You say biting back sobs. 

"You're with that boy aren't you?" Joel hisses back, the grip on your wrists tightening. "Don't think you're too lonely."

"And you're with Tess!"

"Not for long!' Joel roars at you, his voice a rumble from his chest. Almost immediately you see his eyes shut, his face screwing up as if he’s just been stabbed. You realize he hadn’t meant to share this information with you. 

Now it’s your turn to take a step backwards, your wrists still caught in his hold. His words settle over you both, leaving you with wide eyes as Joel's jaw tics. 

"W-what?"

Joel drops your wrists and lowers himself to sit on the edge of your bed, his breath coming out in a long sigh.

"S'why she's not here this week," Joel tells you, head in his hands, elbows balanced on his thighs. "We've been arguin' a lot, practically since we got married, but lately its been worse. She suggested this week be good for time apart. To clear our heads."

You blink quickly before coming to sit next to him, your hands folding over your lap. There’s a rocking sensation in your stomach, a mixture between profound joy and extreme compassion. You think of Tess and Joel as people separate from you, a husband and wife who have found themselves in a terrible position.

"I'm sorry, Joel."

"No you're not."

"Don't tell me how I feel," you shoot back irritated. "I am sorry for you and for Tess. Divorce is hard. I'm sorry for Sarah."

"Sarah barely knew Tess," Joel shrugs. "Neither of them really made much effort. Not that I blame 'em. Sarah's a grown woman, she doesn't need a mom."

"But you love her," you reason in a small voice.

"I did- do," Joel self corrects. He doesn't look at you; his head is still in his hands. His thumbs rub small circles into his temple. You can feel the tension that remains.

"But it's not just that, is it?" 

He straightens, eyes moving to your face before fleeing to the rest of the room. He picks apart the dents in the wall from when you and Sarah had a dance party after exams. The papers on your desk that are scribbled on. The soft lace that trim the pillows on your bed. From where you sit it all looks so immature. The longer he looks the more he shakes his head. 

"It's just ... I'm some fucking cliché," Joel mutters ruefully. "Old guy fucking some gorgeous young thing until she gets bored." 

"Bored?" 

"You think I'm dumb?" Joel snaps and for once he intimidates you with the glare he shoots your way. "If I were just some guy on the street you'd never have looked twice. But I'm married and your friend's dad and you thought you'd have a fun little thrill."

The air is knocked from your lungs. 

"You think I'm doing this because I get off on you being married?" You ask, crestfallen. 

Joel fixes you with a withering gaze that makes you want to shrink back into the bed sheets. 

"You fucked me in my bed saying you could keep a secret, sucked my wedding ring off my finger, told me to hold you down with my left hand, when I fucked you in my truck," Joel starts to list off the various moments of indiscretion. "What am I supposed to think about that?"

Your eyes fall to your fingers tangled in your lap. 

"I liked the power of making you want me," you confess quietly. "That you shouldn't want me but you did. That you were choosing me."

"It turned you on that it was wrong."

Joel's voice is full of so much disgust that it infuriates you.

"It turned you on too! The whole forbidden thing, I know it did. You don’t get to put this all on me! You’re the one that chose to fuck my mouth with your wife out the window. You liked sneaking around, Joel." 

"Yeah and look at us now!" 

"Yeah, look at us now," you scoff. Joel looks like he wants to jump out the window or punch something. He bites the inside of his cheek, unable to look at you when he speaks next.

"It was nothing but a thrill for you."

“That’s not true.”

“You wanted to fuck a married guy,” Joel insists with a disgusted scoff. “I was just the first one stupid enough to do it.”

“So fucking me was stupid?”

“No,” Joel insists and you see the panic there in the dark of his eyes. “It was… I’m the older one, I never shoulda let it go this far.”

“I’m an adult, Joel,” you say rolling your eyes. “Neither of us is clean here. We both did it and we both liked it. And yeah, I can admit it started as a married man thing, but that's not how it ended. Not for me."

Joel’s barely breathing as he rubs at the back of his neck anxiously. He keeps rolling his tongue to the side of his cheek, deep in thought as he paces back and forth in front of you.

"Good sex-"

"It's not just the sex," you cut in, breath trembling with the sudden honesty. "Those times at Christmas when you and I talked? The snowflake? When you look at me you see something. The same something I see in you."

Joel's eyes have softened, and he comes back to sit next to you on the bed. His large frame causes the mattress to creak. It's funny he can look so fierce in that body of his, but when you see his eyes you can see inside and you know there's nothing but sweet gentle kindness that draws you in. 

"What do you see?"

"I don't know exactly," you shrug, overwhelmed by the emotion. "Something powerful. Something that draws us together over and over. Something that when I’m in your arms makes the rest of the world go quiet."

Joel grows still and his brows knit together. He twists slightly, his knee bumping into yours. His voice is thoughtful and measured when he finally speaks to you, squinting. 

"I'm supposed to believe you actually want me? You? Beautiful, intelligent young woman wants an old man like me?"

"You're not old," you insist with a frown. "Mature yeah, but not old."

"Old enough to be your da-" Joel catches himself, flushing pink at the tips of his ears. "Old enough to be your father."

"You had Sarah real young," you say with amusement. "My dad's got at least fifteen years on you."

Joel gives a wry smirk but you can see the discomfort in his features. 

"Joel have you seen yourself?" You say with confusion clear in your expression. "Do you not see how women look at you? The waitress last night nearly dropped the pitcher of sangria on my lap because she was staring at you."

"C'mon now," Joel says shyly glancing away from you. You can tell he's not used to this kind of praise, this kind of appreciation and it hurts to know that.

"It's true," you insist, wishing you could cover his face in kisses. "The first time I saw you in the airport I was shocked at how hot you were."

"Enough," Joel is embarrassedly looking away now, tilting slightly from your searching gaze. 

"Your arms in that t-shirt," you continue, voice growing dreamy. "Your shoulders when you were carrying stuff to your truck."

Your closer now, body angling towards his and pupils blown wide.

"Don't," Joel warns you huskily, tilting slightly back from you. "Don't look at me like that."

"Like what?"

"Like you want me to fuck you," Joel murmurs.

"Maybe I do."

"Well that's the problem ain't it?" Joel huffs, forcing himself to a stand again. You don’t miss the way he moves slightly hunched over, trying to hide his burgeoning erection. "We can't keep goin' on like this. It's gotta stop. But we both gotta be in agreement. We gotta help each other."

"How?"

"If one of us starts up the other ones gotta stop it," Joel insists. "We gotta be strong for each other."

"But what if I don't want to be strong?" You ask him with genuine feeling. "What if I wanted to keep seeing you? Not just for sex?"

"You'll get bored."

"I won't."

“We barely know one another,” Joel says. “You might hate me the more you get to know me.”

“Not possible.”

All you can focus on the anguish in Joel's face. You want to soothe the concern from his brow, to kiss his full mouth into submission. 

"I should go," Joel says and you watch his eyes slide over your face. You feel desperation tingling through your body. 

"So what can we do?" you ask, noting the way Joel's gaze snaps to you as your voice grows husky around the edges. 

"Whadda ya mean," Joel asks nervously. 

"Where's the line?" You ask innocently. "Can I hug you goodbye, for example?"

Joel's face relaxes, he nods. "Yeah, course."

"Okay good," you say breathily. "Kiss?"

"Not on the mouth."

"Jesus," you roll your eyes. 

"We can't," Joel pleads with his eyes. "I can't control myself. Please, we just need to do it this way. Go cold turkey."

Joel swallows and you know you don't want to force him to do anything. If Joel wants you like you want him it shouldn't feel like persuasion. It should be easy. 

“Okay.”

You stand and slowly make your way over to him. He holds his arms open, urging you into a tight hug. Your arms go around his waist, your cheek tilting against his chest.

"Well, thanks for seein' me and listenin' to my side of things,” he murmurs against your forehead. You feel tears welling up at the corners of your eyes.

"Anytime Mister Miller."

And just as you begin to accept that perhaps this really is the end, you feel Joel's cock growing hard against your stomach and everything unravels. You press yourself more tightly against him, shifting against him as his fingers dig into your back. 

"What're you doin'?" Joel asks in a voice that sounds thick. But his hips are already starting to roll against you.

"Just saying goodbye," you say as if oblivious to his cock hardening further against your belly. Your face is buried in his t-shirt, inhaling deeply the scent of his cologne, his deodorant, the soap from his shower. Everything that makes him Joel.

"Shouldn't-"

"You said hugs were okay," you purr, nuzzling against his sternum. You hold in a smile when he shivers and grips you tighter to him. His hands slide down to cup your ass, kneading the flesh there under your jeans and pulling you tighter against his pelvis. 

"Should stop," he tells you in a voice made of velvet over iron. He says this even as he grips your ass and forces his denim-clad cock between your legs the best he can. He rubs there, rutting against you as your arms move to encircle his neck.

Your mouth sponges against his jaw and Joel does nothing to stop you. He even angles his neck so it's easier for you to begin nibbling gently along his muscled tendons that run the length of it as he continues to grind against you. 

"Feels good," he murmurs dreamily. 

"Yeah?" You whisper huskily. Your hand moves from Joel's back to slide down to the swell of his ass through his jeans. "Gonna let me keep making you feel good?"

His hips tilt into your palm, inhaling through his nose when you start to grind back against him. 

"Yes."

"Aren't you gonna stop me?" You huff against his mouth. 

"No."

"Cuz you want this just as much as I do?"

"Yes," Joel's mouth crashes against yours. "Fuck yes, I do."

He kisses you fiercely, holding you so tightly to him you’re almost breathless. You make small whining noises, hands gripping against him, begging him brokenly to please fuck you.

"Here in your bed?" Joel says huskily, lips quirking into an oily smirk. "So you can come all over your pretty pink sheets?"

"Yes," you breathe, lips parting as his mouth finds yours. 

He wastes no time divesting you both of your clothing, grinning at you when you lay back on your bed, arms above your head and arch in anticipation. You’re exposed to him in every way and you love it.  

He stands next to the bed, hair ruffled from when he's taken his t-shirt off.

“You really want this?”

“Yes, Joel. I really do.”

He lets a palm slide from your kneecap upwards. You arch, ready for his hands and mouth and cock and whatever else he'll give you. 

"Lemme just look at you a moment," he says, his warm eyes running the length of your naked body. The head of his cock weeps the longer his eyes linger. "Goddam you are a beautiful thing."

You feel a heat rise to your cheeks, unable to look him in the face. Instead your eyes fixate on his cock, thick and beautiful. You curve up onto your knees, crawling to the edge of the bed with a playful look as Joel stares at you from under half-lowered lids. 

"Please, Mister Miller?" you say nuzzling his thigh with your cheek.

"You wanna taste?" He croons, palm on your cheek as you nod up at him. "Go on, baby."

You lick his reddened tip and you taste him salty and warm on your tongue, eyelids flickering as you begin to suck. Joel's fingers wind in your hair, 

"Fuck I missed this," Joel groans from where he stands beside the bed. "Missed you."

You hum around his cock in agreement, palms rubbing along his belly in comfort. He missed you like you missed him. He moves slowly, his cock dragging out to circle your lips before he pushes back in, making you moan around his shaft.

"Not gonna last long if you keep goin'," he rasps. "And I wanna last for you."

It's your only night until how long? Graduation maybe, you think. But who knows if you'll be able to steal away like this again? In a few short hours you leave for Ibiza with your boyfriend. He’ll be on a plane ride home.

Joel pulls you off of him before his mouth descends, nipping your bottom lip before his mouth seals over yours.

You pull his naked body down against you into the bed, feeling his knees on either side of your hips as he kisses you. His hands are warm and large and they swim over your skin, taking time to savor your flesh as he licks into your mouth. You feel his cock bob against your belly, weeping. You break off to look at it with anticipation.

"Look at what you do to me," Joel murmurs.  “Cock never gets like this with anyone else.”

“I want it, Joel.”

"Get on your hands and knees."

You do, back arching as you glance back at him. He's panting, his large eyes fixed on you. A feeling like love overtakes you, making you break his gaze as you turn your head around, dropping it forward as he slides into your welcoming cunt. The stretch is perfect, leaving you full and warm and... His. You feel like his. 

"How do you always feel so fucking perfect?" he groans out from behind you as he starts to thrust. 

"It's you who's perfect," you moan back, dropping to your forearms as Joel begins to pound into you. "Never felt so full."

"Never?" Joel grinds out, slapping your ass playfully. "What about Connor?"

"Nothing to me," you answer firmly, not bothering to correct the name. "S'only because I couldn't stop thinking about you." 

Joel's hips slow a moment, long enough for you to glance over your shoulder at him. He's shooting you an inscrutable look, his mouth thinned. 

"I don't want you waiting for me," he says slowly. “You deserve the world. You deserve a man who can treat you right, who can be with you.”

"I know, I'm not," you lie. 

"Alright then," Joel nods and needing to reclaim the frenzy from before he pushes into you with a groan. "Now be good and show me how much you missed my cock." 

///

Conrad has always had things come easy to him. Friends, Grades, female attention. And when things didn't come easy he always had money. Money solves a lot of issues. 

Today he pops his earbuds in and starts blasting Kanye before shooting you off a quick text as he walks towards your place on campus. His bags are already in the car, ready for a romantic get away with his girl.

[4:55pm] Hey babe u ready?

A text comes through as soon as he sends that one to you. 

I miss your cock bb. [Foryou.jpg]

Attached is a very obscene photos of Pam giving a coquettish look to the camera, mouth open and tongue out suggestively.

Pam is the snowbunny from Vermont with the fake tits and great ass. Conrad rolls his eyes, deleting the text and officially blocking the number. He hasn't replied to her since Vermont and she's clearly not getting the message. 

He only told you about the Pam because he knew you'd suspected when that dumb bitch insisted on posting a photo of them on Instagram. 

He didn't tell you that after she sucked his cock he fucked her in front of the fireplace in her sprawling chalet. He didn't tell you that she got needy and clingy in a way you'd never been and that it made him realize letting you go had been the biggest mistake of his life. 

[4:59pm] I'm heading your way. Make sure you don’t forget your bikini

You're the only one he told about cheating on the test. The only one he can tell about a lot of stuff. His parents love you. It's a good match. You're as close to love as he's every experienced. 

He's going to propose in Ibiza because it's been five years and his parents are starting to pressure him. You come from a good family, you're smart and beautiful. 

Sex with you lately is... Okay. He finds you distracted as of late. And when you're not distant you're more dominant, more in control and he doesn't love it. He likes to be the one in control. 

So today when he jogs up the steps of your dorm whistling softly to himself in tune with the music his mind is distracted. He's wondering if the ring he got you is your taste and where a good spot would be to propose. You both have keys to each other's dorm rooms and when he unlocks and pushes open the door he expects it to be empty with your suitcase on the bed. 

His eyes are on his phone with the music blasting as he enters. He closes the door behind him before he finally looks up, almost dropping his phone in the process. You're facing the door on your bed on all fours, the sheets a tangle, the scent of sex in the air. 

Conrad can only stare in fixated horror, seeing how fucked out your expression is. Mouth hung open, eyes shut, brows furrowed as you rest on your hands and knees. Your fingers clutch at the blankets holding on for dear life as obscene slapping noises fill the room. 

Your back is arched violently, body undulating and slick with sweat. Your hair is damp at the temples. It's obvious the two of you have been at this for some time. Your tits swing with every thrust, your body jerking with the sharp snap of the man's hips behind you. 

"Faster," you cry out hoarsely, hand going to grab one of the hands on your hips. "Please! I'm so close!"

Watching as you thrust yourself backwards to take this man's cock deeper makes Conrad's stomach twist. Your eyes are rolling back as you whimper out babbling cries of pleasure.

It's now that Conrad's attention shifts to the golden skin of the figure behind you. The sight of some muscular, broad shouldered man fucking into you from behind takes Conrad's breath from him.

Conrad sees the way this man holds your hips possessively in his broad hands, fingertips dimpling the flesh as you grind back against him. He's transfixed at the sight of his girlfriend who is usually so focused during sex is now so loose, so submissive to the looming figure that fucks into her from behind.  

His phone drops from his trembling hands, thudding to the carpet and drawing your attention. Your eyes snap open and a look of shock crosses your features. 

"Oh ff-fuck," you groan out at the sight of him, but you don't slow your movements. If anything you look more turned on, your hips starting to roll. 

"That's my girl," the rumbled twang sounds out from against your shoulder. "Yeah just like that... Oh, fuck just like that my good girl. Make those pretty sounds for me."

Somewhere in all of this, righteous indignation rises to the surface of Conrad's being.

 That someone would touch what belongs to him. 

///

Joel's head is dropped between your shoulder blades, oblivious to the young man standing at the end of the room. His shoulders are rolling as he pushes and pulls your pliant body along his cock murmuring how good you feel. 

Conrad sputters, watching helplessly as a broad, faceless man with a back that glistens with sweat continues to fuck into his girlfriend.

"Who the fuck is this?" 

Joel must have heard Conrad this time because his head jerks up, eyes fixed on the handsome young man. Conrad sees the blown out pupils of the older man, the damp curl over his forehead, the way his full lips curve into a sadistic grin.

"I'm her Daddy," Joel rasps, smirking further as Conrad's face goes puce. You give a low moan of pleasure at how wrecked Joel’s voice sounds. 

Joel tilts forward, hand wrapped around your neck to gently tilt your face up as he keeps ramming into you from behind. "Tell him, baby."

Your head drops forward shyly but you can't stop the rhythmic pounding of Joel against your ass. You know you should feel guilty and shamed, but all you feel right now is so impossibly turned on. Turned on that Joel is fucking you in your bed. Turned on that he's not stopping even when he's caught. Turned on that Conrad is seeing it happen. 

"He's... He's my Daddy," you finally say, slack-jawed as the pleasure of Joel's body builds within you. "Oh fuck.. fuck… ‘n I'm his g-good girl."

"Yeah you are," Joel coos. "So good."

Joel gives a feral grin in Conrad’s direction before tugging you back towards him. The sound of flesh on flesh fills the room as Conrad stands as if frozen. All of a sudden a look of disgust crosses your boyfriend’s features as he recognizes Joel from dinner the night before.

"Does it turn you on knowing he's watching you get fucked?" Joel rasps in your ear. "Makin’ sure he knows you’re all mine right now?"

You can't answer. Your forehead simply drops down to rest on the coverlet as Joel jerks his hips into you. He rights himself into a kneeled position, pulling you by the hips back along his length, watching with delight as your ass jiggles hypnotically with every thrust.

"C'mon baby," Joel pants down at you. "Show this boy who owns your pussy."

"Yes, Mister Miller," you insist, ass in the air as Joel shakes you with every thrust. 

"You don't need some pathetic boy when you've got a man's cock," Joel grunts out, each word punctuated by a violent thrust that has you moaning for more. "Just need me don't you?"

"Yes," you cry, eyes squeezing shut. "Feels so good!"

You feel the blinding shine of pleasure being replaced with honeyed release and you keen against him. Arousal soaks him, dripping down his thighs as Joel marvels, his hips not slowing as he chases his own climax.

"She comes so goddam easy," Joel says in awe. His dark eyes dart to a frozen Conrad. "You fucked up lettin’ her go, little boy. Even for a week."

That seems to wake Conrad from whatever stupor he was stuck in. He jerks to life, stepping closer to the bed, his hands in fists. Hands you know have never seen a day’s actual work in their life.

"Get away from her," Conrad says, eyes flashing but voice dim. "You’re a fucking pervert."

"He's n-not," you cry out, unable to focus because Joel doesn't stop what he's doing, he simply pushes you harder in the mattress, fucking deeper. 

"You take another step closer and when I'm done fucking your girlfriend here I'll kick your ass," Joel says, jaw squared. 

The thought of a fight erupting makes your clit pulse, mewling when Joel's fingers find it, pinching and rubbing at it with his middle and ring finger. 

"She make noises like that for you?" Joel challenges. Conrad says nothing in reply, only swallowing hard as his face grows blotchy. 

"Nah she doesn’t,” Joel decides. “That’s cuz you didn't know how to fuck her right.”

Now Joel jackhammers into you as his fingers rub your clit, spreading your arousal and causing a trembling to begin in your thighs. He pins your wrists under his hands, making you keen, ass bouncing off his hips.

“My good girl deserves to get fucked right," Joel tells him, voice growing breathless. "Pussy this perfect? And oh… I can feel it squeezin’ me now. She's gonna give me another one aren't you baby?"

"Uh huh."

"Anyone else make you come like this?"

"No," you say quickly, moans escaping every time he thrusts. "Only you."

Conrad makes a choking sound as you come again, hard and crying out raggedly. Lustful gibberish with a few daddy yes’s thrown in for good measure. You jerk violently and then you sag into the bed, spent, face and body soaked with sweat. You pant heavily before you feel Joel’s mouth on your cheek.

“Did so good for me, baby. So fuckin’ good.”

He turns now, raising his head and addressing a still stunned Conrad who stands horrified at the intimacy being displayed. Somehow seeing Joel draped over you murmuring sweet nothings in your ear as you smile is so much worse than him fucking you.

“You ain’t been fucking her right,” Joel says sharply.

“She isn’t your girl,” Conrad insists angrily, his perfectly teeth clashing together. “She’s my fucking girlfriend.”

“Not for long,” Joel warns. “Not if you can’t make her feel better than me.”

You’re slowly coming out of your post-orgasm high, listening passively to the conversation before you realize something is happening. Joel is scooping you gently, tilting you back so that your spine is on the mattress, your thighs spread. You give a sleepy look up at Joel’s handsome face gazing down at you.

“Joel?”

"I'm not gonna be here after this week," Joel murmurs in your ear, pressing another kiss to your cheekbone. "I need to make sure you're bein’ taken care of."

You feel your eyes swim with a mixture of emotion. Devastation that Joel is leaving soon, gratitude that he wants to know you’re being taken care of even if it means it won’t be by him. He presses a firm kiss to your mouth.

“You ready, beautiful girl?”

“Mhmm.”

“Alright then,” Joel smiles softly at you before turning a sharp eye on Conrad. Your boyfriend is already hard at the sight of you there on the bed, spread for him, cunt glistening. Joel jerks his head in your direction.

“You show me you can make her come, boy.”

Conrad feels his anger overtaking him at the challenge. This old fuck with the bad haircut thinks that he can take you from him? It isn’t even about you anymore; it’s about Conrad’s pride. And he’s got more than the typical male.

Joel moves from the bed, a gentlemanly gesture. He goes to stand a few paces back, watching with shark-like intensity at you spread on the bed for another man. You look at him through your half-lidded eyes, missing the warmth of his body already.

"I'll make her come like you wouldn't believe old man," Conrad sneers. He doesn't know why but he feels this need to outperform Joel in this. Still dressed in his slacks and dress shirt he drops to his knees in front of you at the edge of the bed, sliding his hands up your thighs and urging them to part further for him. You allow this passively, your eyes still on Joel’s beautiful naked body only steps away.

Conrad dives into your pussy, giving it sloppy kisses as you arch into his mouth. Conrad is perfectly adept at oral sex, it's just you don't want him. You want the man when the warm eyes that are stuck on your face. 

But your body enjoys the sensation of a tongue along your seam, fingers gently thrusting as he tastes you. Joel stands to the side, his cock still hard and weeping. You wish it was in your mouth.

Conrad flicks at your clit with his tongue, drawing a shuddering gasp from you. One that Joel clearly wasn’t anticipating judging by the raise of his brows. Your head tilts back into the pillow and you let the pleasure flood your senses. You can hear Conrad groaning between your thighs, your fingers and toes curling into the mattress as the pleasure builds. 

"He making you feel good, baby?" Joel asks his voice tense. His hands are in loose fists at his sides. Even with your eyes closed you can feel him staring at your face. Conrad isn’t even on his radar.

"Mhmm," you answer languidly, hissing slightly when Conrad begins to suck your clit into his mouth. “So good.”

"Better than me?"

Your eyes dart over to Joel and you can see that he regrets it the minute it escapes from him in the flush of his cheeks. An inner thought that snuck its way out between his full lips. Shame that he's shown his insecurity in this room as a younger man desperately sucks and licks your cunt. Humiliation that Joel needs to be the one who makes you feel the best.

Your desire for Joel is overflowing at this point, making your arms reach for him without thought even as Conrad works his mouth against your cunt. 

"Want you to do it," you murmur.

Joel's eyes immediately brighten but he tries to subdue his glee.  He rocks forth on his heels before stopping himself, giving a quick glance at Conrad between your thighs.

"Nah, honey,” he says shaking his head. "You enjoy yourself. I like seeing my girl feel good."

His girl.

The amount of possessiveness Joel has shown over you tonight is dizzying. It hits you everywhere – your chest, between your legs, your heart. It makes your desire for him capitulate further.

Conrad is so busy between your legs he doesn't even hear the conversation going on between the two of you. He wears your thighs like earrings, his tongue swirling against your clit. He’s good at this, but nowhere near as good as Joel.

"Joel," you croak reaching for him again. 

"What is it, baby?"

"It needs to be you," you whimper, hand still outstretched. "Please.”

Joel wastes no time in crossing back over to the bed where he shoves Conrad out of the way roughly with his foot. Conrad tumbles over and can only look on helplessly as Joel spreads your legs over his shoulders and you arch into his mouth. Its only seconds of his masterful touch before you’re shattering around him.

"Mhmm," Joel hums, suckling your clit. "So goddam easy."

"Daddy," you groan as you arch up off the bed. Joel makes a growling noise from between your thighs, tongue penetrating you, lapping up your release as you crest again and again for him, nearly sobbing with the pleasure that runs the length of your body.  

Conrad is livid, his normally handsome face contorted into a barely suppressed rage. If he was the type of man to fight you have no doubt he and Joel would be in the middle of a wrestling match. Finally you give one last keen and Joel crawls the length of your body, pressing shiny kisses of arousal all over your body like a debauched trail along your skin. He slides up behind you, wrapping you in his arms as you nuzzle up against him.

“Go to Ibiza, Conrad,” you tell your boyfriend. “Have fun. We’re done.”

“Honey-“ Joel starts, concern written all over his face. But Conrad is irate, his body twitching almost violently.

“Wait, you’re picking this old fuck over me?” Conrad breathes as if he can’t believe what’s happening. His hair is mussed from his time between your thighs and his face is still slick with your arousal. “Some broke carpenter?”

“Yes,” you say without hesitation. “I pick Joel. I’ll always pick Joel.”

You feel Joel’s hand come to squeeze your shoulder gently. You don’t dare look at him for fear that you might start crying.

“And he’s not an old, broke carpenter,” you tell Conrad. “He’s sweet and he’s smart and he’s the best sex I’ve ever had.”

That hits Conrad where it hurts. His eyes dart between you and Joel looking dreamily at one another.

"You're a fucking whore," Conrad seethes.

“Watch it,” Joel warns, going from sweet to serious within a heartbeat. You see the narrowing of his eyes and the squaring of his jaw. It shouldn’t make you wet to see him like this but it does.

"Can't wait to tell Sarah what her best friend and dad are getting up to,” Conrad jeers. “You think she’ll enjoy that? Knowing her best friend is fucking her married father?"

Joel seems to break from his cloud of lust at the sudden mention of his daughter. As if only now he's realizing how terrible things could go. He jerks back from you with terror in his features. He looks to you, confused when you just laugh at Conrad. You laugh so loud and so long that both men just stare at you, transfixed.

Finally you sit up, glorious in your unabashed nakedness.  

"Conrad, you tell anyone and I'll go right to the provost and tell him that you cheated that test," you say panting from the previous exertion and the laughter. "I'll tell him how you paid that kid to take your MCAT. Then I'll call your parents parents and tell them about it. And then I'll tell the local newspaper because my parents have friends in high places too, Conrad. I’ll ruin your fucking life if I hear one whisper about me and Joel. A whisper, Conrad."

“You wouldn’t.”

“Try me.”

Conrad knows he's fucked. His entire future would be over. His medical school acceptance, his future as the next doctor in his family, the expectations of generations all coming to a halt with him.  His lips are white and twisted with rage as he stares at your smirking face. You reach between you and Joel’s body to grab Joel’s hard cock in your hand, giving Conrad a deadly stare as you begin to jerk him off.

"Now leave so I can ride my Daddy’s cock.”

You begin to stroke Joel, your eyes on his handsome face as he stares at you in wonder. His cock twitches in your slick grip, his hips jutting forth into your palm as if he’s hypnotized. He looks like he’s amazed by you.    

“Wanna make you come, Mister Miller,” you purr at Joel, turning your back to Conrad and climbing onto Joel’s lap.

“Gonna make me feel good, baby?” Joel asks even though he already knows the answer.  

Conrad says nothing more but he does toss the key to your room down angrily to the floor before slamming the door behind him. The second the door is closed Joel’s smile spreads across his face and he slips you onto your back beneath him, pinning you.

"Fucking magnificent," he tells you with a bruising kiss to your swollen lips. “How… Was that the plan the whole time?”

“No,” you laugh shakily. “I can’t… I can’t believe I did that, actually.”

Joel’s smile stretches before snapping back like a rubber band. You watch in confusion as he suddenly sobers, his cock sliding from you as he pulls back, rolling from you and onto his back next to you on the bed. You twist to look at him, tilting onto your side with your hand going to his sternum.

“Are you okay?”

“I can’t believe we did that,” he says in an awed voice. “I… I didn’t even think about the consequences. I fucked you in front of that boy without a thought about my marriage, about Sarah...”

“I know,” you nod, face flaming. You still can’t believe you did that either. Joel’s dark eyes are on your face as he presses his lips together anxiously.

“We’re trouble when we’re together.”

Trouble. That doesn’t feel like the right word. Powerful does. You feel powerful with Joel. You feel safe with Joel. Trouble doesn’t factor into it. But perhaps reckless does.

But there’s something else, something sweet and safe and hidden behind your rib cage. A feeling for Joel that goes beyond lust.

“You broke things off with that boy,” Joel says sharply, as if he’s just realizing what’s gone on in the last hour. “You had a future with that boy.”

“I didn’t,” you say shaking your head. “Conrad wasn’t right for me.”

“He’s your age, he’s rich, he loves you.”

“He’s my age, his parents are rich and he loves himself,” you correct with a soft laugh. “I thought I wanted Conrad for the longest time but, you showed me what’s out there. And I want it. Even if it’s not with you Joel, I want more.”

Joel survey’s the tremble in your chin, the emotion in your eyes as you blink back tears.

“I wish…” you trail off, so many thoughts popping into your head at once.

You wish Joel was younger or that you were older. You wish he wasn’t Sarah’s dad. You wish that he wasn’t married. But not once do you wish you’d never met him. Not once do you wish for anyone else.

Joel strokes along your arm gently with his fingertips, looking deep in thought before speaking suddenly.

"Sarah thinks you're with Conrad in Ibiza this week right?"

"Yeah." 

"So come stay with me."

"What?"

"I'll extend my stay at the hotel for a few days," Joel suggests almost shyly. “We give ourselves this week together. Maybe we can get whatever this is out of our system and then we part as friends. It’s the only solution I can think of.”

An entire week with Joel where you don’t have to sneak around? Sleeping with him, eating with him, just being with him? The very thought has you in a tizzy, your heart pounding as you sit up in the bed.

“Are you serious?”

"Only if you want,” Joel says looking suddenly nervous, as if he’s concerned this idea is too spontaneous. “No pressure or anythin’."

You can't stop yourself from launching yourself into his arms pressing frantic kisses to his waiting mouth. His cock, still hard rasps against your belly but you ignore it in favor of a longing kiss before pulling back.

"Yes, of course I want to!"

"Well alright then," Joel says smiling shyly. "Your bag’s already packed so let’s go."

“It’s packed for Ibiza,” you tell him with a roll of your eyes as you move from his arms and off the bed. Men, honestly.

You begin to throw things into a duffel, things you’ll need for a few days at the hotel. Joel watches all of this propped on one arm, his eyes dreamily following your naked form as you hurriedly shove items into the bag. Your eyes suddenly blow wide and you drop the bag at your feet.

“I just realized you never came!” you exclaim with such earnestness that Joel laughs. It’s a rich, warm sound that has you grinning in response.

“Plenty of time for that,” he promises you.

“Well, I need a shower before we go,” you say, holding a hand out to him and urging him to a stand. “What do you say we get clean and dirty at the same time?”

Joel chuckles again, gripping the back of your thighs and hoisting you over his shoulder. He gives your bare ass a slap before he carts you off the shower where he fucks you with intensity against the slick tile, murmuring absolute filth in your ears before coming.

When you both are finally washed and dressed and your suitcase is in your hand you smile up at Joel to find him looking nervously at you. It makes you raise a brow in his direction quizzically, finding yourself melting when he pushes a strand of hair behind your ear.

"You’re allowed to change your mind."

"I'm not gonna change my mind," you promise him, taking his hand in yours. “I want this, Joel.”

His smile is so warm it would rival the sun.

“Me too.” 

taglist (my first time doin' em here I hope it works)

@oldenoughtoknowbettersstuff @southernbe @katiexpunk @ashleyfilm @sptbear @604to647 @lovelvyxxx @joeldjarin @bluemusickid @magpiepills @mermaidgirl30 @getitoutofmymind

(LEMME KNOW IF YOU WANNA BE ADDED TO THE TAGLIST)

[yumedoca]

Non-Urusei Yatsura fans, which of these IS NOT an actual character? (Answers)

The poll is over and thanks to all who voted since it's pretty fun to see how UY characters may seem from an outsider's POV! And since many were curious, here are the answers for the poll. The characters are listed in no particular order, except for the last who will be the fake one so if you just want the actual answer, just scroll down to the end; and since the poll was aimed at non-UY fans, I'll provide context for the real characters' descriptions so there will be character spoilers ahead!!

A cow monster, who is also the most handsome character in the series.

This is Rei, the female lead (Lum)'s ex-fiancee. The description I gave may sound kinda weird but it probably wouldn't sound as weird if I had stated that he has two forms: one being a mostly humanoid form and the other which is the cow monster one. He swaps between forms at random, mostly depending on his mood and comedic timing.

A princess who wants to lose her virginity.

This is Princess Kurama. She's the princess of the alien race, the Karasutengu (Crow Goblins). Since her royal line was fading away because there were no more humanoid men on her planet, Kurama decided to find a suitable man to mate with, but has no luck when it comes to that since her standards are way too high for the any of the males in the series.

A fire breathing bumblebee.

This is Ten. Like his cousin Lum, he is an oni alien and his abilities are to fly and breathe fire. Ten ended up getting a good number of votes in the poll and I'm guessing it's because people thought I meant a literal bumblebee. I gave that description to poke fun at his character design and I'm pretty sure most UY fans were able to recognize him from the description, and his resemblance to bees has been stated in canon too. But if you did vote Ten because you thought he was an actual bee, I am so sorry, please don't kill me, I should have added the word 'alien' or 'kid' to the description.

A school nurse who regularly beats up her male students.

This is Sakura. She is a shrine maiden and a school nurse at the main high school in the series. I don't think I need to give much of an explanation for her description; she's hot and all the male students are horny so it shouldn't be a surprise that she beats them all up.

A woman hater whose diet consists of baseballs.

This is Tobimaro Mizunokoji. He hates women, which is most likely a result of spending time with his rival's sister who treated him horribly when they were children (and she still does, by the way; we'll talk about her next). Oh, and as the description says, he can eats baseballs whole.. and is able to spit them out entirely too.

A teenage girl who kills boredom by plotting and attempting murder.

This is Ryoko Mendo. She is a rich, well mannered young lady and her favorite hobby is torturing her big brother and his rival (aka baseball boy from above) in many different ways for fun. I wanted to add a bit more to explain exactly how sadistic she is but the wiki does it better, so have that instead:

She will throw grenades and bombs at people while acting calm and composed, and yet will cry over them when they return to her charred to a crisp. She often acts in total secrecy without telling anyone of her plans, such as setting bombs in a giant Christmas Cake, turning a giant Christmas Tree into a firework, and retaliating to people by setting off bombs near them. She also shows an interest in black magic, having used hypnosis and voodoo dolls to torment her brother.

So yeah, she's fucking insane and I love her for it. Have my favorite Ryoko image ever as a bonus:

A sheltered girl who ends up falling in love with her brother.

This is Asuka Mizunokoji, younger sister of baseball boy from above. I feel like her she needs the most context since I think this might be the most questionable description of them all.

As per tradition, the women in the Mizunokoji family are not allowed to meet a single male until they are 15, this includes their father and brother; which is the case for Asuka. Because she has never seen a man, she doesn't know what they are (or anything that falls under 'men', like father, brother, etc.) and was raised in isolation by her mother and her family's all female guards. But her first, unfortunate encounter with a man, which happened before the arranged day ends up terrifying her and as a result, she gets a phobia of men, no matter who they are... unless they are a 'big brother'. You see, when her female guards' explained to her what men are, they unintentionally had them sound.. scary; but they also tell her about 'big brothers' (since she'll have to meet hers) who are a special type of man who look like her and are very nice. Eventually, she finally meets her big brother, Tobimaro (who didn't even know she existed till then by the way), but since the description on what a 'big brother' given to her was incredibly vague and because she has no knowledge of how siblings work, she ends up falling for him unaware of how big of a taboo it is. Naturally, it is a one-sided crush since Tobimaro knows better but that won't change the fact that it causes a lot of trouble for him.

Ok, I'll stop here because that took forever to write. Also, I took some help to write the above part from Asuka's page on furinkan.com, I needed a reference for the entire paragraph because Asuka and her shtick needs one hell of an explanation.

A TV addict with zero social skills.

This is Shingo. He is a boy who went missing during an experiment when he was small and because of that, he grew up by himself (asides from some animals) in a jungle. His only source of entertainment there was a TV, which only has historical dramas. As a result, he became very attached to TVs (he used to think the TV was his grandfather, and no I will not explain), even after he was found and brought back to society. He is also terrible at socializing since he grew up on Japanese historical dramas which are incredibly outdated. He is already weak when it comes to interacting with men, but he is the worst when it comes to interacting with woman since he has no respect towards them (again, because historical dramas). I find it funny he got a lot of votes and according to tags, it's because his description sounded more normal than the others, which makes it even funnier because he's like the only character who actually watches TV (asides from watching TV during lunchtime and stuff).

A cowardly kid who aims for a life of crime.

And here it is, the fake one! With how many characters there are, it was hard to come up with someone (for some reason, I can't be creative when I really want to be) but after I posted the poll I realized that there is a minor character who fits half of the description: He is a kid who aims for a life of crime, but he is pretty strong willed and isn't exactly what you would call cowardly or timid (His name is Kintaro, in case you are wondering- he is only in the manga and 80's adaptation).

And that is all! Thanks for joining me here and I hope you have a great day ahead!!

[memendoemori]

I got Tumblr polls let's talk about the horrible shit me and my friends put in our mouths

[magechancellor]

In honor of Tumblr's favorite holiday, I have prepared a fun little poll!

[aj-lenoire]

welcome, twitter refugees!!

here's a quick and friendly tumblr how-to:

DOs & DON'Ts

DO reblog posts!! regardless of whether or not you add a comment, either in the post itself or in the tags, the OP will get notifications of everyone who likes the post via your reblog and who reblogs it from you! comment as much or as little as you like

DON'T repost things! fanart, fanfiction, etc. this is different from reblogging, a repost is when you copy/save the work to your computer and reupload it in a post of your own, rather than reblogging it

DO follow tags as well as other blogs!! really like one specific character from a tv show? a certain ship? search their name and follow the tag, and you'll see posts that mention or tag them even if you don't directly follow the person who made that post

DON'T rely too much on the search function, it's broken. if you want to search someone's blog for a tag, you're better off going to the URL: tumblr.com/[blogname]/tagged/[tag]

DO tag liberally! you can use the tags to add comments that you don't want to directly add to the post, to make it easier for people to search your blog, or to make it easier for yourself to find things later on

DON'T use tiktok censorship speak when tagging things!! it will make it actively more difficult for people seeking to avoid certain topics. instead of "tw: abu$e" just tag "abuse" and anyone who has blacklisted the tag "abuse" will not see your post.

similarly, DON'T tag things like "epilepsy" - instead, tag "flashing lights" so people can still use the epilepsy tag to discuss epilespy without risking seeing triggering flashing lights

DO use the follow and the block buttons liberally! this site has absolutely no algorithm, so it is entirely up to you to curate your space exactly how you want it!

DON'T send hate to people via the askbox on their blog, either anonymously or not. just block people who annoy you or post horrible things

DO participate in polls! tumblr only got them recently, less than a year ago, and people immediately went ham. vote on stupid things like which bug emoji is superior, which ship is the best, and how much vanilla extract should go in a cake! but remember that you cannot edit the original poll after you post it

DON'T use or endorse "AI" generators like chatgpt! don't reblog AI images and or AI endings to unfinished/abandoned fanfictions

DO cite your sources if you want to educate people on something in a post, we all love to learn, and informative posts on everything from current political events to which geodes could be made into useable dildos, but misinformation is prolific, so make sure anyone reading your information can refer to a real source!

jargon

notes - likes, reblogs (with or without comments or tags) and replies to a post are all agregated to give the number of notes, which is basically the number of times a post has been interacted with

OP - the Original Poster of a post, for example, me, aj-lenoire, with this post. i am op.

hellsite - tumblr itself. this website is insane and unprofitable and broken and we wouldn't have it any other way. hellsite can be either (affectionate) or (derogatory) and often both at once

blorbo - your favourite character, your rotten soldier, your sweet cheese, your good time boyy. post about them frequently and with weird, frenzied gusto

squick - something you personally don't like, such as a ship or a character or a trope, but is not actually bad or harmful - it's just not for you. it squicks you out.

blacklisting means you've blocked a specific tag rather than a blog/person. for example, if you don't want to see anything with spiders, blacklist the tag "spiders" so you don't see any! if someone you follow reblogs a post and tags it with "spiders", or the OP of the post tagged it with "spiders" then your dashboard will hide the post from you and tell you it was tagged with "spiders" and you can choose whether or not to view it

passing peer review means you added commentary to a post in the tags, and someone who reblogged that post from you saw your tags and thought they were funny, so decided to screenshot them and add them as a comment so everyone could see them. congratulations!!

breaking containment is when a post about a niche subject and/or from a blog with not many followers gets super popular because it's funny, and often OP despairs at how their notifications become unusable from the sheer number of notes from this one post

KUNGPOWPENIS - if someone posts something bigoted, tumblr will ban together to reblog, one letter at a time, k-u-n-g-p-o-w-p-e-n-i-s. only do this when the bigot is the OP, because only the original poster will get a flood of single-letter reblog notifications from every single branch of the reblog chain

tips & tricks

pornbots and bots in general are not uncommon here. whenever you get followed by someone, check to make sure they're not a bot by visiting their blog. if they only have a few reblogged posts on random topics, or no posts at all, and their profile picture is a beautiful woman, they're a bot, and you should flag and block them

old posts can and do get reblogged and liked all the time, there's no point at which it becomes cringe to interact with a post. we even have some from 10+ years ago that're considered 'tumblr heritage'

long posts will cross your dash from time to time, the most infamous being colour of the sky. you will see it and it will madden you with how far you have to scroll - inflict your followers with the same frustration by reblogging so they can see it too!! if you're on desktop, pressing j will skip to the next post.

read more allows you to shorten a post with a 'click to read more' link that takes the reader to the root post on your blog. this is especially handy if you're publishing fanfiction or a very long analysis of something.

toggling reblogs lets you choose whether a post is rebloggable or not, for example something personal you may want to delete later, turning off reblogs means there won't be any copies floating around after you delete the root post

follower count is not visible! the only way anyone will know how many followers you have is if you tell them. follow blogs based on whether you like what they post, not by whether they're super popular or not

memes are frequent and long-lasting. tumblr plays with jpegs like dolls and there are some memes that have been here for years. a current favourite is the destiel confession meme which has warped into a shorthand for breaking weird news

important dates

tumblr loves a goofy-ass-holiday!! here are some of the standouts:

ides of march - 15th march, celebrate julius caesar getting his shit rocked

pride month - june, tumblr is generally a very pro-queer space, so expect everything to be decked out in rainbows for the entirety of june and most of the rest of the year, too!!

halloween - the entire month of october and also a week in july, this site loves some spooky scary skeletons

destielputinelection - 5th november, reminisce about the absolute chaos that gripped the internet during the 2020 usa presidential election

blog recs for new users

to each their own, and a main draw of tumblr is that there's something for everyone, down to the very, very niche. so, search for stuff that interests you and follow those blogs! however, here are some blogs that are fun for everyone:

heritageposts - your one-stop blog for all the best, weirdest, oldest tumblr posts will all the drama, expect to see a lot of destiel

staffs-secret-blog - (not actually staff)

one-time-i-dreamt - full of weird and wonderful posts, made all the better by the fact that no one reads usernames here, so inevitably there is panicked confusion over what the fuck is going on

biggest-gaudiest-patronuses - one of tumblr's most ubiquitous shit-posters

aj-lenoire - that's me!

that's pretty much the basics, but most people here are really friendly, so if you're unsure, just ask someone! have fun!!

[eating-the-inedible]

ROUND ONE: Fabric paint vs. Vanilla extract

Propaganda:

Fabric paint:

ate it once by accident. would do it again

its like. nutella textured. 

Vanilla extract:

I think it’s technically edible? But it’s famously disgusting, to a point where a lot of people have stories of trying to drink it and finding out the hard way that it’s horrible. I’ve never tried it myself, but I’ve heard tales. None of them are good. 

TUMBLR CULTURE, FOLKS! Remember the cake? The mostly vanilla extract cake? The polls that followed? Vanilla extract represents everything the website stands for. Vote vanilla extract!

[dc-polls]

"That Really Happened?!" DC Comics Tournament

Entry Index

The submission form is officially closed and all the entry posts are drafted, so over the next week expect eight individual posts (without polls) to go up per day. Feel free to add on any propaganda for others to find in reblogs or comments. When we start the tournament, polls will link out to these entry posts for reference. Edit: Find the bracket HERE!

The list:

Justice League Doom Patrol Inflation Art

Supergirl gets romanced by her horse

Superboy gets the personality of Hitler

Sentient Music Note Saves The Day With The Power of… Gay Love?

Superman's Sentient Excised Tumor with Daddy Issues

Wet and Wild

Superman marries Supergirl

What if Space Jam but instead of fun, it's with Batman and it's horribly depressing?

3 Year Old Lian Harper Breaks Vandal Savage's Thumb

Black Mask Wears…er….

Jimmy Olsen Fucked Talia al Ghul

Submission Witheld Due to Copywrite

Can the real pol manning please step up?

Domestic Abuse Ghost Possession

Batman's dad tries to ruin his life

Mal Duncan gets punched in the dick by an Angel

Islamophobia Run Amuck (Joker Becomes Iranian Ambassador)

Superboy Has Two Daddies

Batman gives a guy ALS

So I Married a Protean and No One Told Me

This angel centaur is a genderfluid lesbian

Black Manta kills Aquaman's biological son, Aquaman tries to kill his adopted son

Wally Mobius Manhattan West

Animal Man discovers the Fourth Wall

Superman and Big Barda do a porno

My Favorite Same-Sex Couple in DC Comics is Technically Bestiality and Metaphorically Incest

Snowflame, The Supervillain Powered by Cocaine

Halloween Costume… of Death!

Superboy-Prime Punches Time

Jason Todd: Tentacle Monster (Tentatodd)

"Not Exactly Romeo": Gorilla Mommy Issues and Other Tales

Subway Puritans

Catwoman and the Penguin Cure COVID And Run Away Together

Shvaughn/Sean

Zachary Zatara Has Dead Twins

Baseball Game to Save Two Worlds

Schrödinger's Pregnancy

Green Arrow hunts humans for sport

Sexual Assault Is A Superpower, Apparently

Bob Haney Doesn't Know Who Wonder Girl Was Supposed to Be

Kon-El Got Enslaved By Furries (And It Led To Pearl Harbor 2!)

The Flash Meets Fidel Castro

Metron and Swamp Thing go for a ride

Hallucinagenic Party Balloons (for your own good)

Rock Turns Man Gay

The Earth-Saving Alien Dick

Alien Invasion and the Time-Travelling Boomerang

Lex Luthor Stole 40 Cakes (And That's Terrible)

[albertonykus]

Most Doraemon gadgets are obviously not meant to be overanalyzed, but if one thinks too hard about many of them, they often raise serious questions about what 22nd-Century society is like in that universe. Just the sheer number of gadgets meant to force other people to fall in love with a specific individual is pretty concerning, never mind the implication that these devices are widely available to the general public.

Remember, if someone from the 22nd Century randomly wants you to wear a badge, get under an umbrella, go inside a house, or climb inside a giant egg, just say no.

Even among those gadgets though, the Popularity-faking Badge (みせかけモテモテバッジ) probably takes the cake. In the story introducing this gadget, Nobita once again can't handle the fact that Shizuka is friends with guys who aren't him, so this time he decides that he wants to make her feel jealous as well. (We're off to a great start here…)

Somehow, Doraemon has a gadget that can do exactly that: the Popularity-faking Badge.

Yep, it's a love-manipulating gadget for the explicit purpose of spiting someone else. It gets worse, however, because it turns out that there's no age setting on this thing, which seems like a horrible design flaw considering its intended function.

In any case, it doesn't work out the way Nobita wanted, because Shizuka is not like him.

Ultimately, he realizes he was wrong to use the badge, but not before probably ruining this couple's relationship.

Perhaps the real kicker though is that you too can own this unethical gadget! There is official Doraemon merchandise that is based on it.

Also, no, this badge is not one of the options described in the "guess the fake Doraemon gadget" poll.

[aysekira]

Being a cdrama fan is frankly exhausting, you can't just enjoy the creativity and stories bc there are a 100 behind the scenes considerations and changes happening all the time. I know most industries don't respect writers but chinese dramas take the cake, they're the least respected when their work is the most important, it's why so many dramas end up being horrible. And these new regulations are so frustrating because some shows need 50 or 60 or 70 episodes, nirvana in fire joy of life ming lan, already a lot of shows are cutting their episodes so they air at the same time instead of waiting 12 months, how the hell are you going to tell a 60 or 55 episode story in 40 or less episodes? They keep adding these insane rules as if they're trying to kill the industry outright, you can't make harem shows, you can't make queer shows even if they're sanitized to high heaven, lord forbid couples have sex or sometimes even kiss like normal people, you can't have reincarnation which is why we end up with so many shitty rushed xianxia endings they can't give us more. Sometimes you find something so great it makes all the mess worth it but the way they're going they're not going to leave room for even the tiny tiny slivers, the 0.01% of dramas that are great that somehow manage to make it through the cracks despite their best efforts. It's clear their is something very wrong with the industry when they make 400 dramas a year yet not even 40 of them are good, it's truly the wild west out there bc most of these dramas you'd watch them and think they're money laundering schemes bc no way this actually got made. They need to stop caring about pretty faces and paying them insane amounts of money and start hiring good writers but I'm not going to hold my breath... Sorry for the rant I just had to let this out lmao

let it all out anon: this is a safe space :) i wholly agree with everything you said since i'm a firm believer in that while you could aim for a very tight, cohesive&coherent writings (which i assume would be the aim of this rule); there's only so much you could tell before that compression ceiling hits& all hell broke loose in terms of story telling.

to add more to your examples, i cackled in imagining just how absurd it would be if NEF, rebel princess, secret advisors, three kingdoms cut down to those limits at it might result in qi heng being non existent (minglan), advisors being a singular advisor instead& more. and those, like your examples are the kind of dramas that (similar to the examples mentioned) needed the length to fully flesh out their dimensions.

i do not know what to say to make you feel better about it but my personal approach (esp recently) is just to have no hope about it, zero expectations-- then if it turns out to be good; it'll be a very nice surprise (personal example: currently airing LYF. i expected nothing&even side eyeing it a bit before it airs because well uh the casts&promos shown didn't tickle my fancy one bit back then-- and now it's practically my current obsession)& if it's not then it'll be just a passerby of a show and no investment (time/interest) was made whatsoever :)

or may i suggest venturing more to kdramaland as they have all sorts of good ones recently/currently airing (19th life, my dearest& lovely liar to name a few)& i heard from a very trusted source (@dangermousie) they have quite the stack waiting in line to air some of which you could see from the poll here: https://www.tumblr.com/dangermousie/725177465537003520/the-sageukcostume-kdrama-you-are-most-looking?source=share

you have a good day now anon :)

[theenpcbracket]

The TTRPG NPC Tournament Round 2: Eris vs. Kevin

Images are in the order of the poll! Image ID included, click to see the full image please!

More about each NPC below the cut!

Character 1

Name: Eris Party: Rigsby Raiders Relationship to party: BBEG, general nightmare

What makes them the best NPC: Eris was one of the BBEGs for an ancient mythos-centered game. Her inspiration comes from both the real Grecian goddess of chaos and strife and the Eris in the movie Sinbad because it chemically altered our DM as a child.

She's chaos embodied. She once disguised herself and gave a PC drugs so powerful he met Bacchus on a different plane. She and her angel goon assassinated another PC with a weapon that left literally no trace of him behind (DM had player consent). Once, the party was so stressed they declared they were taking a day off and Eris was so impressed by their chutzpa that she just. Let them. She kidnapped two PCs to kill them and decided that it could double as a chance for Sleepover Talk, which included her playing relationship counsellor and increasingly weird games of FMK.

Her ultimate goal was to end the world and reunite with her other half: Heh, the Egyptian god of infinity. They'd built the universe together, chaos and infinity. An... argument resulted in Heh hiding from her for thousands of years, but she still was obsessed with him. Returning the universe to nothingness meant they'd be all that was left and he couldn't avoid her. Heh was ultimately the one to take her down as he, joining her in a genuinely loving embrace, threw them both into the pits of Tartarus while the party foiled the rest of her plan.

Quote:

“What do you do when the only person who’s real to you leaves? You try to get them back.” -Promethus, explaining why Eris is doing what she's doing

“Elysia, can I borrow your finger? I want to make a birthday cake for Imhotep and I need a candle.” -Eris, during her impromptu sleepover

To learn more about Eris, check out the extra propaganda in her tag here!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Character 2

Name: Kevin Party: GATEGATE Relationship to party: Familiar, general menace

What makes them the best NPC: We used speak with animals on him one time and it was so funny we just decided he could talk the whole time. Canonically he's a familiar because he got arrested in the Feywild and this is his community service. He's not only useless but actively antagonistic to the party. He eats exclusively raw meat hand-rolled in birdseed and hates everyone. His sheer glee at seeing the rest of us miserable was powerful enough to protect us from the effects of the Shadowfell. His two attacks are (a) shitting on people and (b) necklace of fireballs. He is my horrible son and I love him very much. He gets consulted on every decision and his response is always some variation of (horrible screechy voice) "you're all stupid and I hope you die I'm going back to sleep".

To learn more about Kevin, check out the extra propaganda in his tag here!

[dittolicous]

Idk why i just imagine Emmet been like "INGO COME OVER HERE!!! WHAT IS THIS?!?!?!" "HOW THESE JOLTIKS KNOW THIS MOVE?!!? *insert any gliscor attack here" "WHY THIS JOLTIK IS WAY BIGGER THAN THE USUAL SIZE?!" "WHY THERE IS A BABY GLISCOR HERE TOO?!?!?!" "CARE TO EXPLAIN BROTHER?! 8)" hahaha he is not mad or anything is just wondering why his Gliscor is also a lady killer/casanova like his trainer (i am making a reference to that one magazine poll post where Ingo was first place in the most handsome pokemon trainer and Emmet got third place) he is happy tho ultimited size joltiks!!

I AM HOLDING THIS TENDERLY. I AM TUCKING IT INTO BED. PATTING IT ON THE HEAD AND READING IT A BED TIME STORY.

Because this is the EXACT dramatic bullshittery playfulness that Emmet will unleash on Ingo. He's not actually mad but it's like 'MY BABY GIRL! HE STOLE HER INNOCENCE! NOW HE MUST MAKE THIS RIGHT AND TAKE HER MANDIBLE IN MARRIAGE. MAKE A PROPER SPIDER-LADY OUT OF HER.' Ingo's losing it trying to make clear replies as he cry laughs over Emmet just going ham on the absolute AUDACITY OF GLISCOR TO BED HIS BEAUTIFUL BABY SPIDER!!!! Turning around tells her she has good taste, that he's proud of her, she's beautiful, she'll be a great mom, spins back around and loses it AGAIN on Gliscor who's just cuddling the babies in blissful ignorance.

HOW DAAAARE YOU INGO, BRINGING THIS IN HOME WRECKING CASANOVA!!!!

Of course they'll hold a tiny Spider/Bat-scorpion marriage and someone WILL give them a tiny bouquet to throw at Elesa's head as she dies laughing over Spider Marriage. Puts Gliscor in a pet tux which causes him to lose his shit like a cat and *bam* hits the ground in wide-eyed terror, refuses to move as they try to drag him around.

Elesa comes over and is like 'Emmet isn't this a bit much?' as he puts the cutest little veil on Galvantula and gets a room set up and turns to her like 'No, it is not nearly enough. I need a cake!'

Spoiled One and Princess (as the two shinys) are Flower Girls.

THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS, ELESA. JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO SCARED TO PROPOSE DOESN'T MEAN GLISCOR IS!

Look Gliscor is like, TOTALLY into Galvantula, she's his spider-warrior-goddess in much the same way Lady Sneasler is to the Weaviles. But she's tinier and WILL kick his ass, and they will love every minute of it.

...They're kinda like the Pokemon equivalent of Morticia and Gomez Addams but less macabre. Peppy but equally ready to do horrible gruesome things. Very in love but also like. Will not hold back. Digs it 100%. (Is this a bug thing? MAYBE! At least she didn't eat her mate!)

Yet, like you said, he's like mentally REELING at the POSSIBILITIES!!! ALPHA JOLTIKS!!!!! ALPHA GALVANTULA!!! POISON HEAL MAYBE!!!! HE WILL MAKE THE ULTIMATE SPIDER MONSTER AND PLAY A TINY BOW ON HER HAIR. SHE SHALL BE NAMED PRINCESS (Though that's the shiny Gligar's temp name ATM). WHAT MOVES CAN BE LEARNED. HOW DO WE PASS ALPHA HERITAGE. HE'S DOING A JIG IN HIS HEAD BUT THAT'LL BE OUR LITTLE SECRET.

Once Ingo is actually able to BREATH again (Please Emmet, he can only take so much, his sides hurt), he'll be equally smitten by the lil alpha babies and OOOOO the POSSIBILITIES!!!!! He might not be as breeder-savy as Emmet, but he can spot a good combo when he sees one, and with how strong Galvantula is (like... yknow, outside of the games lol), how will this translate into Alphas? How does it mix with Gliscor? What, indeed, are the possibilities?

Princess will be a beautiful lil monster who will grow up to properly destroy the Battle Subway with a single Earthquake and thus forever earn her place as Ingo's favorite (....okay it's like a 15-way tie, but the point still stands!).

....I like this ship too. XD