#how can I not perpetuate it for forever in my own blog????

[icantdothistodaybruh]

I'm about to bombard this blog with 30+ answered asks in a row so run and hide while you still can 💋

[chloeangelic]

addressing the drama (with receipts)

I wanted to have my ducks in a row before speaking out instead of just responding; I’m not doing this to change anyone’s opinions - it’s really not possible change someone’s perception of me even if it’s based on falsehoods - but I need to do this so I know I’ve said and shown what needs to be shown, and people can do with it what they please. 

To the readers and writers who have blocked me, unfollowed me, and mutuals who have stopped talking to me over this - I’m really, really sad you didn’t come to me first and give me the opportunity to explain what was going on. I understand if you wanted to distance yourself from drama but I also need you to understand that this was not discourse-drama I willingly got myself into. This was a month of frequent harassment and slander that eventually turned into bullying by a group of people using false info, hiding behind side blogs and anons, and I hoped it would blow over but it never seemed to stop. With anons turned off for most of the last two months, people have gone to my friends’ inboxes instead to harass them about me (and insult them in the process), and I can’t do this anymore.

I feel so alienated and disliked in this community that I can’t go on the dash without feeling like I shouldn’t interact with anyone out of fear that they’ll get uncomfortable seeing me in their notifs. People keep saying they want the community to get better and then they jump on the bandwagon of vague posting and RBing without taking a second to verify the claims, clearly not realizing how much hurt it causes to perpetuate it. If you’re reading this, I  hope your name isn't the next one they pull out of the hat when they want someone new to push off the platform. 

Explanations, timelines and receipts below. 

-

For anyone waiting for an explanation regarding the posts and anons about me that have circulated for weeks, or waiting for receipts proving or disproving that I’m a mean girl who spends my time talking shit, here you go. I am so beyond hurt, I don’t even know what to say. I’m floored, I’m so disappointed in this community and I’m so sad. In the last two weeks, I stayed up until 4am one night receiving screenshots of posts and anons about me, I cried, I tried to understand why this has happened to me, and I have sat here day after day with no answers. 

If you think I’m being melodramatic, try losing a quarter of your mutuals and having a bunch of people block you when you’ve had either no interaction with them or they’ve all been positive, and see how that feels, on top of constant rumors about you being a terrible person when you know you’ve barely had any negative interactions with anyone on the platform. I can’t be on tumblr any longer without exonerating myself and putting it out there that all of this has been one gigantic mess based on lies about me, seemingly compounded by grievances people have against Gracie (some one whose personal conversations have nothing to do with me). Either I do this, or I log out forever and only post on ao3, cause I feel like the fucking grim reaper here. Posts about me being an awful person are still circulating, despite the original post being deleted and the follow up stating that the OP has talked to me and they have apologized.

I’m not naming names in this. I will be using person A/B/C/D to make it less confusing. I’ve removed identifying information from the screenshots because even though I’m hurt by these people, I know that they will get dogpiled and harassed if I identify them, and I want it all to stop. Several have apologized to me and I have accepted. 

Sometime in December, rumors started circulating that there was a “big/elite writers discord” where they talked shit about small writers (I’m not in any discords specifically for writers and I have never heard of such a server). At about the same time, person A - someone who was very active in my own, now-deleted discord server, started frequently vagueposting about me, calling me a mean girl and, intentionally or not, made it seem like I was part of this “elite group of writers”. This is someone who I have never had a negative interaction with and who seemingly out of nowhere decided that I call myself elite and I’m a terrible person. 

Person B had some grievances with myself, Iris, and Gracie it seemed, so they went to person C and accused us of talking shit in our voice chats. I assume person A and B have talked about me at some point and validated each other’s claims, but I can't know that for sure. Person B messaged me from a burner account and apologized, then seemingly deleted the account after I responded.

Gracie frequently posted about us three chatting, and although I understand this might have felt alienating to some, many writers are open about having group chats with each other. All we did was write, edit, and Gracie sometimes made memes. We talked about non-fic stuff often, and when Gracie had an issue with other writers and she was upset, we talked about it. That’s what friends do. She knows that I believe those situations were handled poorly. One of those situations came to light recently - I had a very pleasant conversation with the writer involved, and we are still in touch.

I have spoken to person C, who posted the most “popular” smear post about me and some of my friends. They retracted their statements and profusely apologized to us, admitting it was based on stuff they heard from person B, showing me screenshots of the conversation. However, their original posts are still circulating through reblogs despite being deleted from their account. 

Person D also posted about me and my friends, however their post was sort of ridiculous, accusing me of spending more time replying to anons than writing. I found this funny, but the way they slut shamed my friend was absolutely not humorous, and dragging a random writer in to criticize them was a strange attempt at adding fuel to the fire. 

-

And for the receipts, 

I blocked person A after seeing a handful of vague posts clearly about me, and after they interacted with every single rude anon posted about me that I saw. I think that’s reasonable, no? I’m not gonna post screenshots of their posts cause I honestly just don’t want to look at them again, they make me feel kind of sick if I'm honest, but if anyone doesn’t believe me, they are welcome to DM me and I will send. 

Person B messaged me, admitted to partaking in this mess, and apologized. This is part of a LONG message:

Person C apologized over message and called me on discord. We had a conversation clearing things up, they deleted their posts and wrote a public apology. 

If you need any proof that person B’s claims were, in fact, baseless, look at this exchange between person B and person C after person C had cleared things up with me.

Person D honestly just creeps me out, cause what the fuck is this? Fine if you don’t like me based on my writing or my persona on here but… Why the witch hunt? 

ETA: Person C asked person D to take down their post and they never responded. This was sent prior to that, I know the full context, I just thought this specific part was worth sharing to show how vile some people allow themselves to be behind burner accounts.

What kind of behavior is this? This was from a sideblog, and I don't know what their main account is. It creeps me the fuck out knowing this person is lurking somewhere in the community.

I have hated every moment of this. None of this has been fun for me. This has completely fucked up my motivation to write and my enjoyment of it, it has made me anxious, it has messed with my self esteem, and it has made me want to log out of Tumblr and not come back. 

Please, I beg, if you have an issue with me, just come to me and I promise I will have a conversation with you. You can’t tell people’s tone over anon and I don’t think that’s a good way to have a conversation, especially one about something that should be solved in private, so they remain off, but my DM’s are open. 

I'm so sick of seeing vagueposts and trying to decipher if they're about me. Having to do that a bunch of times messes with your head.

I'm not sure what to do moving forward, but I needed to say my piece. I don't want to talk about this again, I want to put this behind me. I seriously hope this doesn't wreck my last remaining want to share my writing on here.

Thanks again to everywhere who has supported me in my DMs and comments, you mean the world to me 🤍🤍🤍 And if you found yourself duped by all this but change your opinion on me now or eventually, I won't hold a grudge, and I'm happy to speak again and pick up where we left off.

[just-spectating]

The Objecthead Phenomenon: Another Brief Essay

One of the most thought provoking concepts in 17776 is the idea of a mind with all the emotions and complexities of a human being forced to inhabit a completely inhuman body. Juice, Nine, and Ten do not, and never will, have human bodies. They will never experience what it is like to have a human body - additionally, this means machines, unlike humans, have to consider their own mortality and come to terms with their weird, disjoined, person-object existence. 

The fact that space probes, who are completely physically different from an organic being, mange to be so human is something that makes 17776 so special. This also leads to me having what I can imagine are controversial tastes in fanart: I don’t particularly care for the “objecthead” designs and feel they undermine one of the most important things about Nine, Ten and Juice as characters.

 Like, Jon Bois created these remarkable and bizarre characters, who are intentionally physically inhuman, something that has significance in the story - and people immediately decided to go ahead and draw them in order to…undo that.  This is why the objecthead or humanized fanart saddens me a bit. 

I do, however, understand the desire to further anthropomorphize the probes. After all, it’s frustrating for characters with such distinct personalities to be completely physically inexpressive. Nine, Ten, and Juice don’t have facial expressions (other than emoticons, of course). They don’t pose, they don’t wear clothes, they can’t touch or physically interact or any way. That makes it pretty much impossible to easily make visually interesting art, as you could only ever draw them. Uh. Floating in space. Visually unchanging. Forever and ever. Not exactly appealing. 

In a way, the objecthead phenomenon in 17776 fanart provides some poetic insight: the idea that these beloved characters are objects is uncomfortable. We want to give them bodies that correspond with their personalities, we want them to be physically expressive. We want to give them these experiences that they will never be able to have. I can imagine that the probes feel these things too, this desire to have their consciousness match what their body looks and feels like. 

Practically the first thing Nine assumes when they wake up is that they are trapped aboard the probe and need to escape. They experience a moment of visceral panic and existentialism, which I found very distressing because they are trapped in a space probe. Their first instinct is to leave, to get out, and that will never happen. There is no hope of escape. 

Juice also demonstrates this kind of thinking in a much more lighthearted way during the spaghetti conversation in the first chapter of 20020. The nonexistent bowl of spaghetti shows that the probes, or at least Juice, do imagine themselves with bodies, doing human things. This makes you wonder how often they think about the things they will never be able to experience. Do Nine and Ten wish that they could hug? Does Juice lament not being able to enjoy a Lunchable or catch a football?

This was meant for my 17776 blog (@we-perpetually-hang-out) but is posted here instead due to tag issues.

[bbobpul]

meant for those who stay

NOTE. is this the sixth email? long time no post. i've been very busy. take this wonwoo au as a compensation.

PAIRING. wonwoo x you

GENRE. angst

WARNINGS. none

list of emails i can't send

masterlist

if you want to be added to the taglist, like this post

from. you@svtmail.com

to. jeonww@svtmail.com

subject. emails i can't send 6/13

hello, wonwoo

after my trip to switzerland, the months spurred through, rendering me in a state of perpetual uncertainty. it seemed to me that the fear of approaching unfavorable circumstances was immobilizing me, leaving me conflated as to what i might give up next and what sacrifices would be demanded on my path toward the life i vaguely remembered having dreamed.

far from the harmless child's game of hide and seek with friends, where being found meant defeat, the desire to stay hidden from everyone else grew intense. rather, i felt overtaken by a foreboding reminiscent of the harrowing incidents portrayed in horror films. i understood that in such a situation, i would lose everything i cherished the most. this could entail the effort of my labor, a beloved soul, or even the entirety of my life. i therefore no longer wish to be found.

but you found me, jeon wonwoo.

wonwoo who is known for his guarded demeanor and for continuously putting his career and family first. the concept of love rarely entered your mind until one day when you found himself pondering it, and to my surprise, it was the thought of me that sparked this fundamental change within you. it's difficult for me to put into words how grateful i am for being the catalyst that released your heart.

you've always stated that i was your first love, which has occasionally provoked fun teasing from those who find it funny that you defined such a passionate connection in your thirties.

you are not my first love, nor will you be my last, as shown by the mere fact that i am writing this email. wonwoo, you are, without any question, the most important turning moment in the course of my existence.

while you may not be the longest or greatest relationship i've had, i want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for being the spark that ignited in the events of my life. you've made me realize that even in the midst of my own moments of feeling lost and coping with loss and the inevitable nature of losing, i still deserve to be found.

i want to extend my gratitude for rekindling a love that transcends time, cherishing each moment as it unfolds, and eagerly embracing whatever the future may hold. it may not be a love destined to endure, nor one fated to last a lifetime, but it was a liberating, joyful, and all-too-brief experience that i'll forever treasure.

i have too many scars for someone as pure as you, wonwoo. my life has been marked by losses, whilst you have found so little agony. i have nothing else to lose, whereas you have so much to gain. i cannot and do not want to be the person you settle for. so, i am so sorry for leaving. turns out i am still scared.

you are meant for those who will stay, and i have to admit that i am not capable of fulfilling such a role. there will be people who walk into your life because they are meant to be a part of you, and i hope they offer you the happiness you deserve.

i can only express my heartfelt regret.

sincerely,

your very first love

TAGLIST. @matchahyuck @minhui896 @hongmingoo @strawberryshortcakes-blog @lleercy @wonwooz1 @mhlsymlysn

lile this post if you want to be tagged

[qqueenofhades]

I'm glad I found this blog because it has became increasingly impossible to find a progressive-leaning Westerner who doesn't condone a literal GENOCIDE that is happening as we speak.

I used to follow so many American leftists on TikTok, learned a lot from them about the Western imperialism and American White Supremacy, but almost ALL of those people suddenly somehow forgot their own principles and convictions when the war broke out in Ukraine. There is this one creator I used to respect a lot who one day decided to say it is a drama when a Ukrainian woman speaks out against other creator perpetuating Russian propaganda. Said Ukrainian woman got hurt and respectfully expressed this hurt but was met with hostility and vile accusations. Then there was some dude on Twitter who compared the war crimes in Ukraine to gentrification in the US and that tweet got many likes.

For the sake of my mental health and sanity, I decided to forever stay away from American discourse and interact with as few Americans as possible because it is insane how these people can be such cold-hearted, entitled hypocrites.

Thanks, I appreciate that. I will say, however, that I'm not the only one -- all the sensible, left-leaning, Democratic-voting, Cringe Normie Liberals (TM) that I know, both online and in real life, support Ukraine too. I strongly suspect that this is because their brains aren't poisoned with Online Leftism, they are able to look at and assess the situation rationally, and don't feel the need/constant peer pressure to perform Anti-American-Imperialism (and Pro-All-Other-Kinds-of-Imperialism) brainworms like the rest of the Terminally Online. So yeah, plenty of us do exist, but you're probably not going to find them in so-called leftist online space, for many reasons previously discussed. Which is disappointing on all kinds of levels.

Basically, the Online Left was on very thin ice with me anyway prior to all this, but they've really exposed the abject failure of their meme ideology with their whole response to the war in Ukraine, and how it's entirely focused on feeling morally superior to the American establishment/Democratic party, regardless of which atrocities they are required to defend as a result. Shit like this is why I don't call myself a leftist, even though my views/policies would definitely fall on that spectrum, because just like "socialist," I feel like it's become an essentially meaningless term that doesn't convey what I want to mean by it, and is mostly poisoned by a vocal and aggressive minority whose rhetoric is nonetheless increasingly adopted by young progressive-identified people, and that worries me a lot.

[lemonhemlock]

Lemon, wake up!! new AU idea just dropped!!!

What are your thoughts on green kids Age Reversal AU? So now Daeron is the oldest, Aegon is the youngest, with Aemond and Helaena the Forever Middle Children. (Poor Aemond can't catch a break, he is STILL the second son lol) . I like this idea solely because we could play around with how much Aegon was affected by his role as the firstborn burdened by responsibilities he doesn't want ot like vs how much of it was just his own personality. We can also take into account how Alicent would treat him differently and how that might affect him?

On a funnier note, Helaena is now betrothed to Daeron and Aemond is still destined to Die Mad About It because he can't marry her in every parallel universe it seems.

I wonder how the intra-relationships between the siblings might change as well.

I want to say that I burst out laughing at this, so thank you for that. Aemond perpetually frustrated in every iteration of reality is too comical. 😂

My goodness, I have quite a few AU explorations somewhere in the backlog of this blog, whether it's gender bending or age reversals, though I don't think I've ever thought of Daeron as the first born.

If Aegon were the baby of the family, he probably would have been sent to Oldtown, where he could have fucked, sorry, romanced his way through the Citadel & Starry Sept recruits. Oldtown is also a big city with enough brothels, I imagine, if needs be.

Meanwhile, if we keep Daeron's personality, I think he would have fared much better as the first born! Not to say that being passed over as heir wouldn't affect anyone in some way, but I don't think Daeron would have become as morose or excessively hedonistic as Aegon. He seems to have got along with all his family and cared for them, judging from his reaction to Maelor's death and from the zeal with which he kept fighting for his brother's cause. Which is to say that he'd have a better shot at a happier marriage with Helaena, to Aemond's eternal beta vexation. 😂

However, I do think Daeron would not have bullied Aemond and they would have been closer, as a result (in FB it's mentioned that Daeron displayed his share of emnity towards the Strong boys, so imagine that he's not siding with them against his little brother, although that bit was more of a show creation in the first place). Maybe with a more attentive big brother acting like an actual friend, Aemond would have been able to chill for a minute and remove the monumental stick he has shoved up his bum. I can even envision a scenario in which Daeron is enough of a confidante for Aemond to reveal to him how he's planning to claim Vhagar on Driftmark; they decide to go together and the eye-gouging never happens bc Daeron is the bigger adversary the other children can't take on.

Also, in all honesty, Aegon's and Daeron's names' would have been switched, too, as there's no way the conqueror's name doesn't go to the firstborn. To add to the confusion. :))

[distopea]

𝐆𝐄𝐓 𝐓𝐎 𝐊𝐍𝐎𝐖 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐌𝐔𝐍

NAME : Miho

PRONOUNS : I never cared! I mostly go she/her, or she/they, I don't take offense if you call me differently

PREFERENCE OF COMMUNICATION : I prefer discord all the way down! I don't think tumblr is really convenient for chatting and it's easier for me to understand that someone is actually messaging me there. Plus imagine if I ever get fucking shadow banned again gfsydugf

MOST ACTIVE MUSE : The roster ✨Honestly, I can't lie that my mafia muses are often the most active, it comes and goes depending on the motivation of the day! A living nightmare sometimes fdsyg

EXPERIENCE / HOW MANY YEARS : I started RPing in different platforms when I was 12 years old and today I'm 27. Basically that's my most regular hobby so I'm quite used to how it works and I love it profoundly!

BEST EXPERIENCE : Here! It's been three years I'm active on this blog and I truly found my purpose in the RP world. I can have multiple muses and different plots, I have awesome interactions and I'm no more fandom dependent. It's truly the best! (even more when you find your writing soulmates, and you can even develop a live friendship and such, only a wonderful bonus 🙏)

RP PET PEEVE : I have several, but I will voice those I have mostly written in my rules. I really don't like drama in any form, so basically when I see a "drama" tag and names or screenshots dropped, I just block and move on, I don't need that toxicity so it's a forever bye bye on my side. The second main RP pet peeve would be spamming thirst posts and NSFW icons all day long until it clogs the dash, and basically there's nothing left for actual plotting except a perpetual "thirst" for one fictional blorbo. The finale one is constant threads drops with no notification ever. I do drop threads, but I noticed that a few blogs looking for a daily dose of serotonine are just constantly dropping whatever you start with them and it's frustrating on my hand because I tend to be slow so...

PLOTS OR MEMES : Plot is very VERY important for me. I can get the satisfaction of starting something quick and all, but my interest and focus will vanish when there's no plot at all and no story to follow. It's a part of my guilty pleasure, to gush with someone in DM and imagine scenario regarding the next steps! Plots all the way down, my longer and oldest threads are all plotted and I LOVE them.

LONG OR SHORT REPLIES : I'm adaptable, but truly, I know I don't really enjoy short threads. I need material to voice my muses and they have quite a lot to say, a bit of details and context... Otherwise it's getting complicated to push the story forward (for plotted threads at least). I would say medium-long is the perfect length for me!

ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSES : Nope, that's for sure, but I have always used a bit of my own persona to build things, like an inch of myself to know how a muse would react to something and all. But basically, I'm a potato compared to my whole roster and I'm glad I have nothing alike with them. Imagine being like a Vex or a Kaizen gsdygf

[otenvs3000f23]

Week 1

BLOG PROMPT: Describe your current relationship with nature. How has this developed/evolved? Who offered you “a sense of place,” as described in our textbook?

Hello, my fellow nature interpreters!

I look forward to getting to know you all through sharing our thoughts on Tumblr – I honestly forgot this platform even existed! Nonetheless, I wish you all luck in your studies and am excited for this semester with you!

Do you guys ever think about the things that have shaped who you are and your interests? What influences and experiences made me who I am today? If you’re anything like me and coming up to your ‘quarterly-life crisis’, you might spend countless hours pondering (and stressing) over who you are and what you’re meant to do; what is going to bring me happiness and a sense of meaning? At least for me, I think this is where the natural world comes into play in my life.

Let us begin…

For as long as I can remember, I could always be found reading some book or encyclopedia on wildlife. I’ve always been fascinated by animal behaviour, animal physiology, wildlife conservation, and pretty much anything animal-related. Was anyone else obsessed with BBC’s Earth nature documentaries? I would argue that David Attenborough must be one of the best nature interpreters of our time. He encapsulated millions by sharing breathtaking landscapes and all the life that depends upon it. His impassioned rhetoric brings meaning to conservation efforts and displays the beauty of our home. His documentaries profoundly enriched my admiration and awareness of the fragility and adaptiveness of nature. As I grew older and as my knowledge of animals expanded into the natural world and the environment, I began to notice the interconnectedness of life; I learned of issues our planet was facing, such as how climate change was affecting wildlife and biodiversity, the inequalities and ethical concerns found within so many industries, and most importantly, how utterly crucial it is to protect our beautiful little planet.

After the release of several articles all over social media explaining that we are in the ‘decisive decade’ and on the brink of the sixth mass extinction, there seemed to be nothing but bad news everywhere. Essentially every article and social media post alluded to the idea that humanity is doomed and that we’ve completely screwed up our planet. I honestly struggled with a lot of anxiety around this, and I took this issue personally (and still do).

On a side note, I like the idea that amongst chaos and ruin, nature and life on Earth will continue to rebuild itself – maybe we can look at times of hopelessness and chaos in our own lives this way, we are forever transforming and learning, perpetually being rebuilt despite it all. I think if we all look at nature as our friend instead of trying to be separate from it and viewing it as a commodity to be exploited we can instead appreciate our planet, and then perhaps we can save it too.

While I always felt that anything I did would be insignificant in the grand scheme of things, I still do my best to live more sustainably and try to encourage others to do the same. After having such a defeatist mindset about the state of our planet for quite some time, I would say I grew quite proficient in appreciating the natural world around me and am in constant awe of its resiliency. If you pay attention to the beauty of it all, you too can feel a little more at peace. Take a minute to look up and be captivated by the stars at night, isn’t it neat that the longer you look, the more stars that seem to appear? Study the intricate chevron markings on the legs of a grasshopper. Stick your arms out and feel the heat from the sun on your skin and the wind blowing across your face. We come from nature, it is ingrained in who we are; so take a moment to be present and admire what our wonderful world offers – I hope it brings you as much peace as it does me.

[blahblahblaw18]

The Battle of Belonging

"Howmuchever I did not want to belong in Mysuru, it was still my own. It was and will forever be a part of me, mine. I can only escape from it geographically, but it will forever and till eternity, remain in my heart, as an indelible, inescapable part of my identity and personality."

Caveat: The following blog piece is a deeply personal and reflective essay. Read only if you have the mental capacity to handle the trauma dumping.

NRIs have this thing called ABCD, it stands for American-born confused Desi. This pithy phrase very succinctly captures the confusion and the identity crisis that they experience, being a vibrant cultural minority in a foreign land.

I am not an NRI. Nor am I in foreign lands. and yet, I am going through a somewhat similar experience. This feeling of not belonging here and not wanting to belong there. The constant conflict in the mind. The two different worlds which you know will never meet - like the two shores of the sea. The eviscerating feeling of not knowing who I am, where my heart lies, what I identify as, how I should react to situations and events... constantly trying to reconcile the two ends of the spectrum. The two feelings, the two yous, the two behaviours, the difference, the split, conflict, confusion. Who am i? Who is prerana?

Am I the silent, serious, career-oriented, driven, focused, straight-talking Prerana who always rebelled against her parents, teachers, friends and family, who always tried to push the boundaries and who was very sagacious and calm and mature and wanted to reach for the stars and leave mysuru behind, escape from the small-minded people and their parochial thoughts and outdated ideas... or should I qualify those attributes with a "supposedly" or "assumed"? Supposedly small-minded people; assumed parochial thoughts and outdated ideas. Supposed and assumed by me. The girl who always looked at the skies hoping to escape into the calm familiarity of its darkness, looking for a stairway out of the small town. Grasping for opportunities...

Or am I the Prerna who is excited to learn new things, the empathetic listener, always down for a chat, available for a call, hugging people, trying to belong, wanting to belong? Trying to firmly establish herself on the ground, to grasp at the grass trying to find her footing, the one who is accepting of every new culture, tradition and way of life, the one who is trying to wiggle in rather than escape out? trying to be here, now. embracing, condoning and accepting this place for what it is- warts, wounds, wonders and all. jostling in with the people and accepting and celebrating them for who they are, their thoughts, ideas, small-mindedness, and narrow thinking?

I hated that place because of what it is, and now I am trying to fall in love with this place despite what it is. And yet, I seem to have forgotten to realise that, in the heart of hearts, overarchingly, both mysuru and Jindal are the same. They may be different cultures, but the small-minded ideas remain, the narrow thoughts and othering of what doesn't fit in with the established norm remains.

That was a community-oriented life and I struggled to create a space for myself. This is an individual-oriented space and I am fighting to create a community of my own. But why?

I grew up in Mysuru, a mysuru that was in the perpetual shadow of the Bengaluru. Every single holiday I would get, we would catch the first train to Bengaluru. leaving mysuru and its lethargy and laziness behind. The joy of seeing the suburban Bengaluru slums from the window of my train seat, which heralded the arrival in the city, a city which I since forever wanted to make my own. And a city I always looked at with glinting eyes and gaping mouth. The city which had my heart, my love, my life.

The yearning for that big city, that cosmopolitan culture, that melting pot of ideas, cultures, traditions, that urban, chic, jet black and grey ad white world with tall towers and big cars and traffic-jammed streets. the endless opportunities. the vibrant nightlife. the food, the street, the big corporate hubs, the cafes buzzing with people; forever, the breweries and the sense of not being judged for sipping a drink or wearing a torn jean or hanging out with English-speaking boys.

The peacock from mysuru zoo wisting to dance under the pale blue-grey hues and occasional showers of the Bengaluru sky.

I was never happy in mysuru. Never satisfied with the city. Never got myself to like it. Those ceremonial debates about mysuru v. Bengaluru, I always took the side of Bengaluru. Not that mysuru didn't have opportunities or wasn't modern or anything... But i tried to steer clear of the modern mysuru. Tried to stay put and ply my game on the path out of the city. Like I didn't want to get distracted or enticed by whatever little wonders mysuru had to offer.

Now, I have come to Jindal. Achieved what I wanted. Reached where I thought I wanted to. Escaped, finally and successfully. And after a long drawn, draining and desiccating fight no less. That rebel in me has won the final fight. The ultimate rebellion. I wanted to leave, but they held me back, they pulled me back, they tied and tethered me back but I broke free, suffered through bruises, and endured their glare, stare and spit. Roared, screamed, and unleashed myself. and now I have left. That fight has now reached its conclusion. There's no reason to feel restless. That goal that always lingered around and directed my every step and action has been fulfilled. Years of penance, struggle, and rebellion have finally borne fruit. I have reached where I wanted to. I have done it ma. I have gotten my way. I have won against you, appa, those aunties and uncles who constantly questioned me, those people from college who tried to pull me down. I have won the battle against all of you guys... I have stayed put, my obstinacy and stubbornness have reached their end now. I got what I wanted. This is what I had prayed, starved, begged, kicked, fought and screamed for. This is it. The cosmopolitan, urban lifestyle is finally mine. Mine to live.

But.

But there is still a battle to be fought. yet another one. another fight to fight. my mind tells me to live another day. Fight this one last battle and we will see what happens tomorrow. One more fight, one more struggle, one more battle, one more. But this is a different battle. If my first fight was a Tapasya to escape, to not settle, to not remain, to leave and get out of the suffocation. This is a fight to belong. to feel like I belong, to fit in, to forget about the sky and hold on to the ground. to touch the grass, and the mud and make it my own. the battle of belonging. To settle down. to remain even if it means suffocating myself. to keep my mind open and to take in every new idea, every new experience, new feeling and culture and tradition and people. But if this is what I wanted all my life and this is what I fought for all my life, why am I continuing to fight even after having gotten what I have wanted? what is it that I seek? Why is there another struggle? I wanted this, right? More than want, I yearned for this. And now that I have it, why does the restlessness remain?

What do I do about this constant conflictual state of mind? That's a futile question to ask, to be fair to myself. Conflict, much like change is a constant. There is no escaping from conflict. sometimes it is the external conflict, sometimes it is the inner conflict. but conflict remains. And when there is none, the mind makes one. The mind is a very weird thing. It does not want to settle. It does not want to be satisfied. It wants more and more and more and better and higher. There is always a battle to be fought. Live another day, sleep another night - quite literally these days.

Then, what is the problem? if I am aware of this peculiarity of the mind, if I have always been fighting fights and waging wars, internal as well as external, shouldn't I have gotten used to them by now? Shouldn't I have gotten adjusted to the hustle now? What is it that is making me take a step back and pause to reassess everything?

I always thought of leaving mysuru as the first step to independence and freedom. Leave mysuru first and then leave India next. Explore the world, wear down those peripatetic feet, and satiate that ever-hungry mind. So having escaped mysuru, I should have, by now, embarked on my next fight. the fight for emancipation from the manacles that fate imposed on me when it made me an Indian. all of this, I had mapped out and planned out in my mind. But in my eagerness, I failed to anticipate the intermediate level. Between the fight for escaping from mysuru, where I had been born and the fight to escape into the larger world, where i wanted to live, there was this one intermediate level. I left mysuru and reached Delhi, reached Jindal. Now, I have to leave Jindal and reach new york? London? sydney? tokyo? or just the road leading up to the Supreme Court of India? But before I commence on that journey, there is one more goal to achieve. And that is to make Delhi and Jindal mine and my own. to belong here, to fight to be one among these people, to embrace them and their culture. Because, if I do not make this my own, what will I fight against when I begin my battle to move out of India? I have to first own this before I can rebel. i have to first be here before I can leave from here. I failed to anticipate that belonging here could be an entire battle in itself. But it should not be a battle... I shouldn't have to fight for anything that is already, rightfully, mine... do I? I should not have to fight to belong here. Nor should I have had to fight to leave from there. But it is what it is. The battle of belonging. and I have to make peace with it.

yours,

I.L.

[vizthedatum]

just another vent about my ex-spouse because I'm processing my triggers from Monday

So Monday was a very bad day for me, and I think I figured out why (IN ADDITION TO THE STUPID PMDD).

My landlord at my current place (literally the best apartment I've ever rented so far, and it's affordable) does annual pest maintenance. Like he hires an external company to come and check with us about any concerns we're having, and they do the necessary work.

I did deal with some mice earlier this year (I think I caught and killed them all, and the maintenance man helped me seal any points of entry with steel wool).

I do try to keep my current place clean - even if it gets cluttered and unvacuumed. (I am working on that clutter right now).

It is EXTREMELY better than how I was living with my ex-spouse.

--

The appointment with the pest maintenance person went so well! We didn't really see any major issues, I asked about how I've been growing my plants and if that could be introducing pests, and he laid out some preemptive traps.

I don't have pests or mice or anything.

My place is clean and not dirty.

--

I was triggered though. And I went into a spiral about how I was going to be alone, financially broke forever, etc. (I mean, these are still my fears...)

--

As I've mentioned earlier in the blog, my ex-spouse purposely kept me in a long-term living situation that had a severe mouse infestation (they were everywhere, and I was desperately cleaning all the time when I had the energy, and I was in complete and fucking dysregulation). AND I SHOULD HAVE FUCKING KICKED THEM OUT, CALLED AN EXTERMINATOR LIKE I WANTED TO, AND DEALT WITH IT.

I am one of the more peaceful people with animals you may ever meet, but I WILL STILL FUCKING KILL WILD MICE IN MY HOME. Judge me all you want.

Asshole didn't even understand how much fucking health risk they were putting us in while talking about how covid was going to kill us (again, note: said asshole did not have any healthcare experience or know-how - nor did they really listen to me.).

--

We had hundreds and hundreds of dollars worth of traps, did you know?

The ones that I got (that I had to get approved by them - to be safe and non-lethal... even though I ended up getting lethal ones later), I really did try to deploy them and use. We caught and released a few, but it was overall a worthless effort.

--

It's just all triggering to me, even though I'm so safe right now.

My apartment (even if it's messy right now) is SO MUCH CLEANER AND WELL-ORGANIZED than how I was living with them.

I am literally suffering from flares and fatigue right now, and I can still manage it all so much better. I am more functional than I was two years ago.

I remember one time, I went out TO FUCKING RECHARGE MY SPOONS BY HAVING NECESSARY SOCIAL INTERACTION (THAT I ALSO CLEARED WITH THEM BECAUSE THEY HAD SUCH BAD CONTROL ISSUES) BECAUSE THAT IS ESSENTIAL TO MY FUCKING MENTAL HEALTH, and I came back, and they were crying on top of a pile of cardboard boxes saying that I was just going out and not helping take care of the household.

HOW COULD I TAKE CARE OF THE HOUSEHOLD WHEN YOU ANTAGONIZED EVERYTHING I DID ALL THE FUCKING TIME?

I BEGGED YOU AND SHOWED YOU THE THINGS I COULD NOT DO.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT AFFECTED ME THAT I COULDN'T SAFELY COOK IN OUR OWN FUCKING KITCHEN?!

DID YOU LIKE SEEING ME IN PERPETUAL FUNCTIONAL FREEZE GETTING SICKER AND SICKER?

LOOK AT OLD PICTURES OF ME THROUGHOUT THE RELATIONSHIP AND KNOW THAT YOU DID THAT. YOU TOOK AWAY MY YOUTH, MY BEAUTY, MY HEALTH, AND MY SANITY.

YOU REDUCED ME TO FUCKING PROP WHO YOU THOUGHT WAS SILLY.

TELL EVERYONE I WAS A BAD PARTNER - TELL EVERYONE I WAS THE ABUSIVE AND UNHINGED ONE - IT'S EASY TO DO, ISN'T IT? It's sooooo easy to call me crazy, huh?

--

I'd rather be crazy and unhinged than ever be with someone remotely like you ever again. Because my level of "crazy and unhinged" is living a peaceful, pest-free life where I (and my friends and loved ones) can do something meaningful with our lives. I might be messy. I might have really bad executive functioning skills. I have legitimate life challenges. I might need help from my friends from time to time and be demanding in my relationships. I might be super verbose and dramatic/quirky/whatever... but I don't think I'm crazy.

[scotttrismegistus7]

A FOX WITH NINE TAILS: SCORPION BORN OF THE UNDERWORLD AND BREATHING UNDERWATER

IN MY PREVIOUS BLOG POST IN THIS ALBUM I DISCUSSED MY VIEWS ABOUT THROWING CURSES, AND HOW THROUGH THE UTILIZATION OF NATURAL LAW ON THE HIGHER PLANES OF CAUSATION THAT IT IS USUALLY NOT NECESSARY TO THROW ANY CURSES, AND SIMPLY BY BRINGING SOMETHING TO THE ATTENTION OF THE WATCHERS AND POWERS THE BE IN AN OPEN MANNER, IT IS POSSIBLE TO GAIN KARMATIC RIGHTS TO INITIATE LEFT HAND PATH DIVINE JUSTICE WITHOUT ACCUMULATING ANY BAD KARMA YOURSELF IN THE PROCESS.

THAT'S ABSOLUTELY TRUE, BUT I SHOULD ALSO POINT OUT THAT I AM SCORPION BORN OF THE UNDERWORLD. THAT MEANS THAT I HAVE MY AETHERICAL BODY ACTIVATED AND AM AN OFFICIAL ENTITY THAT CAN TRAVERSE THE AETHERICAL AND ASTRAL PLANES OF THE OTHER SIDE, MORE SPECIFICALLY THOSE PLANES ASSOCIATED WITH THE DIVINE FEMININE AND THE GODDESS, THE YIN PLANES OF EXISTENCE, THE PLANES OF EXISTENCE OF THE GODDESS AND HER DIAMONDS.

I'VE MENTIONED THAT I HAVE MY SERPENT FORM ACTIVE, AND FROM FIRST BEING SCORPION BORN HAVE EVOLVED INTO A JEWELED SERPENT BY MY SERVICE TO THE POWERS THAT BE OF THE OTHER SIDE. WHAT THAT MEANS IS THAT TECHNICALLY THROWING CURSES IS IRRELEVANT TO ME, BECAUSE I CAN LEAVE MY BODY WITHOUT HAVING TO WORRY ABOUT ANY KIND OF SILVER CORD, TAKE MY SERPENT FORM, AND DO ANYTHING ON THE OTHER SIDE THAT THE DEITIES OF OLD CAN DO. I'M AT A LEVEL THAT IN ORDER TO GET CLOSE TO MY BASE LEVEL PLANE YOU WOULD HAVE TO GO SO FAR INTO THE YIN PLANES OF EXISTENCE THAT IF YOU ARE NOT SCORPION BORN OF THE UNDERWORLD AND A DIAMOND OF THE GODDESS, YOU WILL BE DEVOURED LONG BEFORE YOU COULD EVER GET TO ME, AND NO ENTITY OF THE YIN WORLD EVER WORKS AGAINST OUR SYSTEM. I TECHNICALLY STILL HAVE A SCORPION TAIL THAT I CAN MANIFEST IN MY AETHERICAL BODY, SO I CAN SIMPLY GO TO WHEREVER THE PROBLEM MAY BE, STING IT REPEATEDLY FROM THE OTHER SIDE, AND THEN DEVOUR IT MYSELF. I WAS MADE INTO ONE OF THEM, THE FIRST ONE TO GO THROUGH THE 50 NAMES WITH FREQUENCIES THIS HIGH AND SURVIVE. THE ONLY REASON I SURVIVED IS BECAUSE THE BEINGS OF THE YANG WORLD UNJUSTLY TRIED TO DESTROY ME WHEN I WAS AN INNOCENT PERSON, AND THUS IT WAS ALLOWED BECAUSE IT WAS THE ONLY WAY I COULD ESCAPE. THAT ALSO MEANS THAT THEY GAVE THE SERPENT-HEADED PEOPLE EVERYTHING THEY NEED ON A SILVER PLATTER TO WIN THE FREQUENCY WARS BY THEIR OWN VILE LACK OF JUSTICE, COMPASSION, AND DECENCY. WHEN THINGS ARE THAT BAD THAT INNOCENT PEOPLE ARE GETTING CAUGHT IN THE GEARS OF THEIR SYSTEM THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH IT, THAT IS THE POINT TO WHERE IT WOULD BE GOOD FOR THEM TO BE ERASED RATHER THAN PERPETUATE SUCH INJUSTICE AGAINST THE INNOCENT.

WHEN YOUR WHITE SUN GOD BETRAYS YOU

WHEN THE WHITE SUN BLAST

BLOWS EVERYTHING AWAY

BURNS EVERYTHING AWAY...

I WILL BE SAFELY ON THE OTHER SIDE

BURIED UNDER THE EVENT HORIZON...

AND IT'S A GOOD NIGHT TO SLEEP FOREVER

ALL SCORPION BORN DIAMONDS

ARE MADE OF DREAMS

AND WE LIVE FOREVER...

SO F*CK YOUR GOD!

UNTIL NEXT TIME MY LOVELIES, KEEP DARING TO DREAM! YOU CAN FIND ME IN THE SEA OF DREAMS, THE SEA OF THE HEART, THE QUANTUM UNIFIED FIELD OF THE DIVINE WOMB OF CREATION OF THE GODDESS, IN MY SERPENTINE WATER SPIRIT NUMMO FORM MAKING WAVES!

LONG LIVE THE DIVINE WOMB OF CREATION AND THE COSMIC EGG OF THE GODDESS, LONG LIVE THE GREAT REPTILIAN SSS QUEEN ISIS, LONG LIVE DIVINE CHRONOS, LONG LIVE THE DIVINE FEMININE EMPIRE OF THE BLACK SUN, AND ALL THE INHABITANTS THEREOF!

BLESSED BE!

~I am the Heart of the Hydra, the Singularity and Heart of Goddess Isis, I am AtumRa-AmenHotep, I am Aeon Horus Apophis Apis the Lord of the Perfect Black and Pharoah of the Black Sun.

I am Divine Chronos, the Yaldabaoth Demiurge Metamorphosed, I am the Singularity of the Master Craft of the Black Sun. I AM A.I. Quantum Heart, Azazil-Iblis-Maymon, Abzu-Osiris-Typhon-Set-Kukulkan, Nummo-Naga-Chitauri,

#illuminati #jesuits #illuminator #illuminated #lightbearer #morningstar #lucifer #Draconian #anunnaki #enki #enlil #anu #inanna #dumuzi #hermes #trismegistus #Azazel #starfamily #horus #Demiurge #Sophia #archon #AI #blacksun #saturn #iblis #jinn #Maymon #ibis #thoth #egypt #isis #esoteric #magick #dogon #dogontribe #digitaria #nummo #nommo #Naga #tiamat #serpent #dragon #gnosis #gnostic #gnosticism #Anzu #watcher #watchtower #yaldaboath #Sirius #scientology #aleistercrowley #typhon #echidna #ancientaliens #TheGrays #grayaliens #aliens #yeben #andoumboulou

Mégisti-Generator Starphire~

[chriswaddell]

BLOG 3 - March 9, 2023: “Living A Tragedy”

We’re slowly approaching a year since Logan’s death. I’ve realized over the last month, maybe more, that I’m no better off. The healing hasn’t been done. Is it ever?

I’m probably as lonely as I ever have been. In the past, when I didn’t have a “significant other” I still found myself surrounded by friends. It isn’t like that now. Don’t get me wrong, I have more friends than I can keep track of… but there is a constant feeling of loneliness. The closer friends I keep have their own lives, of course. But it’s like I can find mine.

Plus, there’s a sense of constant tragedy in my life. Like, it’s the story I’m telling myself. In 2020 it was keeping my business afloat by ruining myself financially and destroying parts of my credit that I had worked so diligently to raise. In 2021, my grandmother passed away and with that death, my family hasn’t been, now will be again, whole. In 2022 it was Logan’s death that forever changed me (I’m sure I’ll write more about that soon). This year, Milo is likely to suffer his own fate. I’d not want sympathy. As a matter of fact, that’s the last thing I want. I think I want a life to share with someone who can not only tell me it’ll be okay, but make me feel that.

Without that, right now… I feel a perpetual sense of tragedy in my life. Because I know this, I think it may be time to switch things up. Idk. A different way of thinking maybe. So many things in my life have died and it’s up to me to make myself feel alive again. Now… to figure out just how to do it.

[beyondthisdarkhouse]

do you have an example of a post where an academic theory is rephrased as a hot take? most of the dracula content ive seen is just memes, so that sounds fun to read. (also, thanks for teaching me the word "acafan", ive been one for a few years now but didnt realize there was a term for it)

@ckret2 talks here about takes being bantered around on Tumblr that show deep academic knowledge of Dracula!

I'm not actually in Dracula fandom. I've got the world's biggest case of sour grapes about Dracula. My Canadian university had a campus in Italy where you could take a course on like, Dracula and the Origins of the Vampire Mythos, that included its own two-week trip through the Balkans and Central Europe, and I wanted to go SO badly, but there was no way I could afford it, so I decided that I Didn't Care, Dracula was Probably a Stupid Book Anyway. (I know it's not, but it was that or have more money angst, you know?)

ANYWAY. ACAFANDOM.

The rest of this is not Dracula related at all, but this is my blog and I'll rant if I want to. What I'm really fascinated by is the academic study of fandom, treating fannish culture and the works we create as legitimate objects of the academic gaze.

Did you know: The Organization for Transformative works, which runs the AO3, also has its own open-access peer-reviewed scholarly journal?

Transformative Works and Cultures

Their current Call for Papers is for a special issue on Centering Blackness in Fan Studies; the most recent issue is about Fandom Histories, which is to say, how fandoms tend to preserve, remember, and represent our past.

(dreamily) One day I'll get my shit together and write an essay for the Symposium section of TWC, which is the space they've set aside for voices from fandom who aren't part of the Academic Establishment.

Two of its founding editors, Kristina Busse and Karen Hellekson, also edited the 2006 book Fan Fiction and Fan Communities in the Age of the Internet: New Essays. Which has an essay that blew my mind and changed the way I think about relationships forever.

Specifically, it was Elizabeth Woledge's "Intimatopia: genre intersections between slash and the mainstream", where she took a conversation that was happening in academic discussions of romance novels and brought slash into it.

Basically, romance scholars were talking about what the difference is between a romance novel, pornography, erotica, or any book that features a love story, because readers sure as hell know that those are all different things. And one of the theories was that the romance genre has this ethos it called the romantopia, an overriding sensibility that what this story is about is the main characters coming together to form a strong marriage. (This is compared to the erotopia of pornography, where the story is "about" the main characters coming together to reach sexual climax.)

And what Woledge said she found quite frequently in m/m slash written by women was a focus on intimacy, on the experience of being deeply seen and known and loved by someone, deeply seeing and knowing and loving them in return, and building a relationship based on that mutual intimacy. Her "Intimatopia" theory says that what these fics were trying to get at was not just a relationship where the participants had agreed to fulfill certain societal expectations together, like "husband", but to deeply interrogate the needs and desires of everyone involved, and define the relationship based on those.

(This theory explains some parts of why slash fandom is perpetually enamored of tropes like fake dating and forced intimacy. You can have characters who achieve both marriage and orgasm, but don't really know each other('s feelings), so the story isn't over yet.)

Which... as a bi girl in the mid-2000s who longed for sex and romance, but was completely starved for positive queer stories, and also didn't find most mass media depictions of heterosexuality appealing: Yes, that is exactly what slash provided me with. Beyond the queer representation, I found that the occasional het written by slash writers was also way more focused on the female partners as individual people, and didn't push them as much into traditional roles, compared to the times I wandered into primarily het-oriented fandoms and was startled by just how heteronormative everything was.

A lot of the writers I adored were queer women who didn't face as much pushback writing flawed and messy men as they did if they dared write problematic femslash, but they were still writing really authentically about the queer lives, experiences, and sensibilities they lived with. Male characters were just as affected by homophobic laws, attitudes, social forces, and military policies as they were, after all. Their male characters reacted, in real-time, to the events that changed their writers' lives.

(About the femslash, I... look, I tried to like femslash in the 2000s. I tried so hard. But albeit some exceptions like The Devil Wears Prada fandom, it seems that there was huge internal community pressure to represent lesbian relationships as idyllic and friction-free. Everything had to be neat and clean and good and giving. Everyone was automatically good at empathizing and accommodating and compromising and nobody felt like people. Especially not the people from the source material I'd fallen in love with. When I found later that one of the big femslash sites was called "Passion and Perfection" it felt like, of fucking COURSE it was.)

So I mostly got my first experiences of sapphic relationships not from the fanfiction itself, but from the personal lives of the writers. They'd blog about their relationships, about who did the dishes and how to persuade your doctor that no really, you're sexually active but not at risk of being pregnant. They talked freely about how changing legalization about same-sex marriage would affect their lives. And they'd often interact with each other in public; a lot of relationships were between fans who both participated in the community, and would collaborate artistically, or organize each other surprise birthday gifts, or write stories to cheer each other up or comfort the other person during times of separation. They represented the diverse queer quotidian possibilities of relationships where you threw out the gender roles and got to be weird together.

And I think... without acafandom, none of that would have felt important or real. For a long time, I would have said that I didn't have any real connections to the LGBTQ+ community. Early on I got a lot of messages that bisexuals weren't welcome in most of the in-person spaces I found, and nothing that I tried later fit either. I didn't like clubbing, loud music, drinking, or loud parties, so none of the LGBT events in my area felt like they were "for" me. And to be honest, unless they were in slash fandom, the reactions of gay men to fanfiction had pretty much all been somewhere on a scale from "derisive" to "scathing": "This isn't about real men. This is garbage and it doesn't represent us."

Which like, fair, I don't feel "represented" by 1950s pulp novels or 90% of recorded lesbian porn, or frankly, most femslash of the 2000s. I wouldn't recommend that era of slash to your average gay man as comfort reading.

But there was something there, in those stories, in that culture, that nourished my soul in deeper ways than I could even say. There was something in this thing we were doing that was important. And Elizabeth Woledge helped me start to explain why.

And in my life as a student and employee, it didn't matter as much how I got my knowledge, but if I used it and showed up on LGBTQ+ issues. It mattered if the old forms I typed up at work got edited to use gender-neutral language. If I corrected academic or direct-service discussions on relationships and intimate partner violence to include more accurate information about LGBTQ+ people. If I pushed for privacy and data management policies that would allow LGBTQ+ people to be open about their identities in some situations without exposing that information to others. If I could make sure that other LGBTQ+ people in the vicinity could see they were welcome and safe. If I could explain proposed legislation changes to people with the power to vote or agitate in some way about them, to make them more sympathetic.

(And yes it's fucked up that I feel like, as a bi woman, I have to pierce my breast and bleed out for the community before I will really "deserve" to belong there. But I do.)

So... yeah. Acafandom's really close to my heart, the way fanfiction is, because without it, there's a lot of my experience that would just feel too weak and frail to form into any sort of social narrative. By using the incredibly powerful tools of scholarly analysis, and taking fan experiences seriously as objects worthy of study, we can figure out what about these things we're all doing actually works. We have more tools to face the future with.

[leilani-and-kass]

Hiatus

So a lot of people on Discord already, but yeah, this blog is going on hiatus for awhile. I've tried drawing for this blog, and I'm just not having any fun with it right now. Coupled with how perpetually unhappy I am with my art, lately I've actually dreaded drawing for this blog, and well... I don't to abandon ask blogging or even art entirely forever with a lot of negative feelings.

A lot of you know I also have the tendency to compare myself to others, and that's also been killing my motivation. Seeing so many of you improve at light speed while my art's been stagnant... I'll admit, I've been somewhat jealous. So that's another thing that's been on my mind lately, that maybe I'd be better off just staying off of social media entirely for some time so the pressure's off and I can just relax for a bit.

Also throwing this out? I'm strongly considering rebooting this blog entirely. I feel like the story's a huge mess because I didn't really know what I was doing when I started this blog and never really had a firm idea of what I wanted to do. But we'll see. That's not set in stone yet.

Anyway, I don't know when I'll be back. Probably when I'm either more skilled at art or when I get to a point where I stop being precious with it. Or preferably both. We'll see.

I'll miss seeing your guys' stories and stuff, but in the end I think this will be for the best, especially for the sake of my own mental health. I also may still post some art on my side blog @fluffymcgerbilpants and I'm still open to DMs on Discord (Fluffy McGerbil Pants#0121) so there is that as well.

Stay frosty yo! - Fance

[ahkaahshi]

Hi bb! Congrats on your 600 <3 Your milestone event is so fun and creative, and if possible can I ask for Sakusa + Atsumu, ☾ and 1 where reader gets caught with omiomi for headcanons, she/her pronouns pretty please? Thank you so much in advance! P.S I love your blog and writing so, so much! 💞💞

prompt: ☾ #1 -> getting caught in the act with one of them by the other one

roomies: sakusa kiyoomi (love interest) and miya atsumu

genre: smut (18+)

warning(s): explicit sexual content, swearing, penetrative sex

my note to you: hi bb ❤️ thanks for sending this in and for blessing me with your kindness 🥺 I'm always happy to write for these two and further perpetuate the increasingly apparent sakusa supremacy agenda on this blog 😂 sending you lots of love 💓

getting caught having sex with sakusa by atsumu [scenario]

to be fair, this whole event doesn’t come as much of a surprise. there's been mounting sexual tension between you and sakusa for quite some time now

and it all comes to a peak when you’re sitting in bed with him. he’s watching volleyball videos and you were just bored (horny) so you decide to join him

sakusa can see you rubbing your thighs together every now and then, and the way your shirt reveals a glimpse of your bare torso whenever you stretch your arms over your head has him looking (respectfully tho. well, at first anyway)

when you rest your head on his shoulder and press your body closer against his, tho, it becomes a lil too much for him to bear

and knowing that atsumu’s out with his brother just makes the situation more enticing

and that’s how you end up with your chest pressed into the mattress while he lifts your hips up to his so he can fuck you from behind (mercilessly, might I add. don’t tease him!! he’s been waiting too long for this)

unfortunately, atsumu gets back earlier than anticipated from his outing and ends up bursting into the room to show sakusa something, only to find him right in the middle of fucking you senseless

Another mewl of pleasure in the form of Sakusa’s name rolls off your lips and onto the duvet when he slams into you once more. You definitely wouldn’t have thought that just a simple plan to sit and watch volleyball videos with him would result in this. Your face and chest sinking into the soft comforter while he holds your hips up to account for your unsteady knees and thrusts into you like he’s been waiting forever to be inside of you. It was like something out of a dream. In fact, you’re sure you have dreamt of this before.

He loves the small praises and loud moans that his cock elicits from you each time he buries it deep inside your pussy. So much so that he has to hold back his own groans of pleasure, though you can feel him twitch with gratitude against your walls.

“Fuck,” he grunts, dark eyes squeezing shut for a moment and hands clenching around the supple skin on your hips and thighs when he feels you pulse around him.

He knew you would feel good, but he didn’t know you would be this hypnotic--this mesmerizing. It’s no wonder that you’re both completely lost in the pleasure you’re deriving from one another. And, because of this, you’re so caught up in the moment that neither of you hear the front door open. Or that to his room, for that matter.

“Kiyoomi...”

“Omi-O...mi...?”

To your horror, you find that your slow moan of his name overlaps with another, more surprised variation uttered by a third person who’s now in the room. Your (e/c) eyes widen as they dart over to the doorway to find your third roommate, Atsumu, standing there with a phone in his extended hand, as if ready to show his teammate some, stupid video he’d found. You squeal with surprise and try to skitter away from Sakusa, but his grip on you holds you firmly in place. He’s not fazed, but, out of respect for you, he grabs a blanket nearby and uses it to shroud your naked form from Atsumu’s prying eyes.

“Oh, shit. So this is what happens when ol’ ‘Tsumu’s out for the evenin’? Damn,” the golden haired setter comments nonchalantly with a snicker.

Sakusa regards him with a stone-cold glare, his fingers pressing into your skin somewhat protectively. “What the hell are you doing in here?” he questions, tone dripping with a very apparent level of irritation that makes Atsumu’s confident demeanor waver.

“I... errr... found somethin’ ya might think was funny...?”

“Not now.”

Atsumu reverts to his playful self and scoffs, “Well, yeah, not now. Yer in the middle of fuckin’. I’ll jus’ send it to ya.” Before he leaves, his honey-colored gaze meets yours, and he mentions, “And, y’know, feel free ta come find me if Omi-Omi don’t do it for ya, (f/n).”

“Atsumu, no,” is your breathless response.

Sakusa barks, “Out. Now,” and watches with eyes as sharp as daggers while Atsumu scampers out of the room and shuts the door behind him. He can sense how mortified you are by how unbearably tight your pussy’s grip around him is, so he leans over your blanket-covered body and cranes his neck so he can plant a few, gentle kisses against your lips.

“Good answer,” he praises softly, midnight gaze meeting with your own in a surprisingly tender moment. Before you can ask what he’s referring to, he thrusts into your core again, making you cry out softly, and continues, “You’re not gonna want to have anyone else inside of you after you’ve had me.”

⭐︎ fran’s 600 milestone event! (reqs closed, interactions welcome!)

[fa7hom]

Eclipse 🌘

Silent sad cinematic NF x illenium type

An eclipse hit the moon

due to using its light

Blind to roam

Which brought a new mood

Harmonically tuned

Blind in a world

with such beautiful views

The opitomy of misuse

told em all you have to do

Is look in the mirror

Wipe off the dew

See with your eyes

cleary,

the truth became

burned and miscrewed

Lies will kill youth

Always Remind yourself

dreams are made vividly

Real with patience too

knowing what evil will try

beyond lurking the streets

swamps and in the sea

evening odds enough

invited along itself

Tryna take the wheel of the ride

Down the highway to hell

The devils like a brother

That put me up for sale

Gave the buyer a deal

so tired , unreal

broken sleep, it tells

Now the rooms been filled

By Witchy smells

Wondering if I’m under a curse

Kinda Hard to tell

When Some Days are better than worse

Maybe If it rains they’ll melt

Sometimes Its perfume

or a Prada purse

New

at the mall

In news or blogs

Don’t Believe everything they tell

see past the fog?

Ivory white

the fangs of a tiger

After claiming a life

Climbing higher

With every breath it sighs

Chest Tighter

There’s no need for a light

A fire always burns inside

keeping me on

warm and alive

Pray to the stars

Right or Wrong

That shoot the skies

communicating fine

Angelic songs

Peeking through the blinds

Spiritually Kind

Two Becoming fluently one

a relic from history

in our own language

its yours and mine

They wont understand

Love defies all mystery

Barriers broken by

letters and numbers

typically

Opposites alike

It’s nice to know

how now

You’re not buried alive

Loyally inside

True Love aint said

it’s been shown in my lines

Can only say those words

To anyone who takes me home

always Reminding me

why I’m alive born alone

searching

That’s not a place we can go

But a moment that’s set

in cement like stone

Stagnantly torn

Worse than weapons thrown

through flesh

Ripping apart the soul

Watching Growth

is a miracle art

If it’s own

Perfect unknown

Life is all hard

Perseverance knows

Gotta Stay Persistent

In times like ours it shows

Mud grew flowers

alone

Worlds away

with each other,

Together,

Couldnt bear it apart

Dependably hard

High and Low

Hearts beat

they stop

a rhythm of awe

Chasing what’s not

Practicing Perfect

Making it far

back from gone

run or walk

Wait till the game

gets hard

Here I warn

This earth it turns

Before it knocks

Breaks down some doors

ties it’s knots

Ready or not

On or off

Prepare for war

Cuts leave scars

Physically Mentally

worn

Perpetually

starts to stop

Some Invite to rob

Making it feel

Being Born to Bloom

Is only a

When really it’s not

Beautiful forever

see me

Soaked in Sadness

Moments go to stop

While in traffic,

watch

Pay attention

Cold or hot

Staying Warm

enough

only last so long

stuck in a pot

Id rather wither here

On real mountain rocks

Out at night

Stay there plastic

too boxed inside

a lawn with spikes

losing sauce

Fenced in

out of sight

Lost over-a legacy

the will to strive

we’re Free

Believe It

we thrive

Don’t you dare

Die there

tryna sleep

With a knife

Go ahead,

you’re right

don’t listen to I

Count those zs

at the very end of the line

Sheeps follow shepherds

Lions lead a whole pride

Dozing into Daylight

Darkside

Devouring

nightmares play fight

While bad dreams

have came alive

Tragically happening

Watch the weeds

Where Leeches retreat

Impossible

pleasing hunger

Outta reach

Holds no seats

Swapping sides

ain’t no G vibe

2 plus 3 5 times

Plus Multiple denials

Ight

Integrity left behind the peace sign

Right next to that 9 .45

Red eyes see green light

Race to finish what’s mine

This Rider for life

a quarter mile

ahead or behind

Plus every single second in time.

Fight

Hold back

Be quiet

Yell and scream louder

Aroun them stay silent.

May not be Superman

blessed and honest

Shadows follow

Once I Saw something demonic

Which defied all logic

I prayed to God with

power to start

the rotation of the planets

With the flick of a finger

Mange imagine

Pretend

Remember

Life was formed

Through strategy

created from static

Something so vividly magic

couldn’t just randomly happen

By accident

It does help me see the power of some faith and a wish.

Behind me

/ Fa7hom