#how do you watch xena and not become utterly obsessed with it :)

[whenfatecollides]

Xena Warrior Princess: 2x05 Return of Callisto

[awesimz]

Episode 1: New Beginnings and Bitter Disapointments

Welcome to my brand new Sims 3 Challenge: The Amazon Challenge. Some of you might recognize my username or maybe just my style of legacy storytelling from the Iridescence Legacy, which unfortunately now has so many damn problems (corrupt save file, deleted photos from both online and off) that there’s really no salvaging it anymore. And on my last generation too - I was so convinced I was going to finally finish one, but alas, lol. Anyway, I decided to move from LJ to here because of the BS anti-LGBT TOS they’re implementing, but it was probably a good idea anyway as tumblr seems a bit more popular with the simming community nowadays :)

Anyway, let’s dive right in, shall we? 

Meet our Founder, Xena. Yes, I know Xena was not an Amazon but listen, I am obsessed anyway and besides, she was fucking tall enough to be one, lol. Regardless, our tribe leader Xena has a much different personality anyway, and is a brave and flirty diva who is both a perfectionist and athletic. Her LTW is Perfect Mind, Perfect Body.

Oh yes, and she is also a werewolf, and the tattoo on her back is representative of her royal bloodline and position as the head of the pack tribe. As such, a heiress must also be a werewolf that has the most ‘approved’ traits listed on the challenge. That means someone who might become heiress can also be knocked from their rank by a younger sibling that is more worthy than the previous. 

But moving on, no tribe would be complete without at least one male slave to do all of the dirty work so our Warrior Princess Queen never has to lift a finger to do literally anything, lol.

Xena: Hello, I am interested in speaking to your owner. Is she around?

Thornton: I’m sorry... my what? Xena: Oh, nevermind. I don’t know why I bother to speak to the help anyway, you all end up having a lower IQ than a bloody moth.

Xena: Hello, I am interested in procuring your male servant for the purposes of furthering the betterment of my Amazonian Tribe.  Morgana: You... mean my husband? Xena: If that’s what you kids call slaves now a days, sure.

Morgana: Wait, so you mean to tell me that you would take my annoying husband off my hands and leave me with his immense fortune? Yeah, yeah... I can picture that happening.

Morgana: Yup, actually that sounds absolutely perfect. Have at it, and tell him to not bother saying goodbye because he was nothing more than a sugar daddy anyway. Xena: Lovely. Pleasure doing business with you.

Xena: Alright, Daor, now that I’ve shaved those awful sideburns off your face and put you in an outfit more fit for a slave, I now require you to build me an abode. Get to it! Daor: Wait, what? Daor? My name is-- Xena: I’m sorry, did I stutter? I’ll call you whatever I damn well please, now do what I say before I decide you’re not worth my effort and procure a different slave!

Don’t get too attached to this shit - I end up moving them to a different town eventually since originally I wanted them in isla paradiso but my game was acting weird. I eventually fixed the issue though, but we’ll get to that later.

Since I don’t allow my Tribe Leader to work because honestly, a Queen should never have to work a day in their lives lmao, and since slaves can’t work either, they’re pretty effing poor and I make Daor collect shit on the regular just so they can make a little bit of money, haha.

He seems to enjoy it though. Ah, the simple pleasures in life.

Xena found a friend as well! I decided he is now the tribe’s mascot and named him Guapo, lol.

Daor is working on his gardening skills as well because, again, they are poor as fucking dirt.

He also fishes, but he kinda sucks at it. I mean honestly, how is that tiny thing supposed to feed anyone? Ugh. Men.

Anyway, an Amazonian Tribe isn’t complete without more women, so I sent Xena out to scour the town for their first recruit, who ended up being easily impressed, a natural cook, ambitious, and a daredevil who had commitment issues.

Xena: Hello there, you look utterly helpless and in need of a direction in life. May I interest you in joining my Amazonian tribe? Lesbianism is not required but heavily encouraged - just not with me because let’s face it, I’m way out of your league right now it’s not even funny.

Random Woman: Oh wow, I’m super flattered; I’ve never been a lesbian before! By the way, my name is– Xena: Why do people keep trying to tell me their names? No, I don’t care. Your name is Euryleia now. Learn to love it, because I don’t have time to listen to incessant whining over tribal names.

Xena: By the way, you’re going to have fix... all of that if you ever plan to move up in rank. We are vain by nature, or maybe I’m just a superficial bitch by nature, but either way. You’re going to have to go get yourself a job though, because we can’t afford your damn gym membership right now.

Euryleia: I will go get a job right away then, Mistress! Xena: Good. I like people who can take direction. Also people who call me mistress. That will be allowed to continue, by the way.

So Euryleia went out and got herself a part time job, as that is all that is allowed at her rank. The money is still shit, but at least it’s better than nothing.

He is literally the worst slave ever, lol.

As punishment for burning the food, I made a starving Daor stand way in the back and watch everyone else eat the food that he finally managed to make halfway decent. 

Xena: You know what would be better than this place? An island.  Euryleia: I agr-- Xena: I’m sorry, did I say I was asking for opinions? I’m just musing right now, so eat your food and stay silent.

I took pity on Daor and let him eat a mushroom, even though he looks like he’s trying to smoke it, haha.

The next day the two Amazons hit the gym so Xena could work on her LTW and  Euryleia could attempt to lose a little bit of weight so she could move up in rank at some point.

Xena: Oh stop whining, it’s not that difficult! Euryleia: But Mistress, my legs are not cooperating!

Who the fuck just leaves their newborn baby on the floor of the gym?

Xena: Actually, that’s not a bad id--

No, that is not how you’re going to get rid of your male children. Hush.

GUYS GUYS IT LOOKS LIKE ARGO! (people who have never seen xena are probably like wtf are you on about but trust me this is awesome, lol)

Xena: So I’ve been thinking about moving somewhere with some sun 24/7. Thoughts?

Euryleia: Oh yes, Mistress, I adore sun!

Xena: Good, cause honestly the thought of having to buy you all outerwear so you can survive the winter didn’t sound like a fun idea to me. We leave in the morning.

Yeah, I put a lot more effort into this lot. I won’t show you the insides of the houses though, as I totally prioritized the outside over the inside right now, lol. Everything is pretty bare and minimal.

Guapo finally got a cage though!

And Daor gets... a tent. Lmao.

Xena: I have to say, Euryleia, I commend you on your progress. You have lost a significant amount of weight and as I am a vain asshole, this is something I care greatly about because I only give a shit about people’s appearances and not who they are on the inside.

Euryleia: Oh thank you, Mistress, I am flattered! Does that mean you might consider me as a potential mate or, better yet, an occasional fuck buddy because commitment is for old people and religious folk? Xena: ...Don’t push it. 

DAOR HOW ARE YOU THIS FUCKING USELESS JFC

At least Xena’s brave enough to put it out.

Xena: That’s right, I’m just your everyday hero. With fantastic guns.

Xena: I am so sick of you! One more misstep and I will drown you in the sacrificial well! Daor: But... we don’t have a sacrificial well. Xena: I. Will. Build. One. Daor: *gulps*

If we could ever afford it, anyway.

Moving on though, another thing that a tribe needs is heirs, and for that we need a disposable piece of man meat.

Xena: You look like you have decent enough genes, how would you feel about a one night stand to get me pregnant with a female heiress for my Amazon tribe that you would have zero commitment in raising?

Harley: No strings attached sex? I’m in!

Xena: Good, I like men that are compliant. Meet me at your house in an hour.

Lol this house screams dude bro.

After their rough and tumble in bed, I sent Xena off to hunt as a werewolf because honestly, they’re still poor as hell and need stuff to sell, lol.

She didn’t find anything though, so I decided maybe the scuba skill might help. However somethings weird with my game and I realized that even with a high enough skill she can’t go actual scuba diving as all my community lots just say ‘community lots’ without names for some reason? If anyone knows how to fix it, help would be appreciated. Also some of the unoccupied houses say community lots too. Idk wtf is up but I’m sure its some kind of mod conflict *sigh*

...Appetizing. On the plus side though, a baby is on the horizon!

Euryleia: Oh Mistress, our first tribe daughter, I’m so excited! I’ll start preparing right away for her birth!

Euryleia desperately needs to move up in rank, so I sent her to the library to learn some skills so she could end up being a Provider instead.

Euryleia: Mistress! Since you and I are now friendly and I have enough skills and the personality to become a Provider for this noble tribe, I was wondering if you could promote me? If you do, I’ll be sure to get a career ASAP so we can start making some real money in preparation for the baby!

Xena: ‘Money’ is the magic word, Euryleia. You have my permission.

So Euryleia went downtown and got herself a job in the Culinary Career, since Daor sucks at making food anyway so it’d be good they got someone else to do that chore, lmao.

Xena: Good lord, it feels like my insides are being torn to shreds!

Xena: Wtf? This isn’t what I ordered!

How disappointing, lol. This is Aeolus though, and his traits are easily impressed and excitable. Don’t get too attached.

Xena: Harley? Get the fuck down here, we have a problem. Also bring some tools; I’m going to need you to help my slave build a sacrificial well. 

Euryleia: Mistress, I know you aren’t fond of boys, but maybe we shouldn’t... you know, kill it? It’s still a baby, after all. And Harley still has decent genes, so maybe you should give him another chance? You could still get a beautiful girl out of him and if you don’t...

Xena: If I don’t, then I kill them! Euryleia: I meant maybe you could just banish all of them from the tribe, but I of course will not argue with your judgement, oh divine one.

Xena: That’s right, I am your God. Worship me.

Xena: Alright look, you fucked up. You fucked up royally. BUT you still have decent genes, so I’m going to give you another chance to give me a baby girl.

Xena: Because if you do not, I will drown you in the sacrificial well I will soon have built and all your sons go into slavery. Understood?

Harley: But... what happened to no strings attached? Xena: That was if you managed to give me a girl, which you did not. Now, you are in charge of that disgusting thing inside and will live here as a slave until I bear my next child. If it’s a girl, you and your son go free. If not... well, I already covered that.

Xena: Now, get the fuck inside and impregnate me the proper way before my patience runs out.

Will their next child be a girl, or will Harley’s lifespan be shorter than expected? Stay tuned to find out!