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chaosnoirjpg · 8 months

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Feeling Guilty about not being Grateful

In this entry I am typing about feeling guilty¹ about not being grateful “enough”. This topic is inspired by a lifelong friend of mine’s series of texts messages. This entry has been adapted from our conversations.

The last I remember feeling guilty about not being grateful enough was in a Black Woman spiritual circle I discovered on Facebook. I didn’t feel so much as guilty as I was more triggered by the whole thing. I remember growing up and being told to ‘count your blessings’ when an unfavorable situation occurred as if I was messing up and missing out on how truly worse the matter could have been. As if I had any control or responsibility over the random ill fated life-events that choose me.

As I explored my trigger, I concluded that I was disappointed and shocked that I found myself in yet another assumed safe space. I thought I had found a home within this online sisterhood. I let my guard down and misjudged. I understood that I could no longer trust to discuss other emotions outside of feeling grateful for everything in my life, including undesired situations.

Recently, my little family and I experienced a theft. One of my family member’s car was stolen out of a parking lot. The culprit was later apprehended, the car received severe damages from the pursuit and capture. While we awaited word from the police, the family was going back and forth between choosing to be grateful and feeling other emotions.

My mother, being the God-fearing Southern Baptist she is, chose to be grateful and made sure to spread her good will to us. She was grateful that none of her children were outside to greet the thief and got harmed. She was grateful that it wasn’t an even worse event, like a home burglary. She experienced that at her first apartment as a married young woman. To this day she remembers how violating it was to return home and see it’s been decimated by unwanted criminals. She gave her perspective to help us see our circumstance in a more positive light, to ease our pain and suffering, to make us more resilient somehow. Yes, I will agree that we were lucky that we were safely elsewhere while the car was being absconded. As well-meaning as mom is, there was still an air of blindness, denial and minimalization there, albeit unaware.

My sibling, the one with the missing car, felt differently. She felt many, many things. Being grateful was far from her repertoire of emotions. She was going through the seven stages of grief on a loop. One moment she was angry she was targeted and desired vengeance, the next she tried to cheer herself up by looking forwarding to shopping for a new car.

I caught myself feeling envy² and annoyance about how she felt so naturally open to express her anger and disaster-mindset whenever a surprise event happened because she felt safe. I usually chill in my car and take time to cry or scream away from everyone for fear that they’d give me advice on how to see the silver lining³. I don’t want to see the silver lining I desire to mourn and mourn deeply before I even think about the next move. I’d like some time to process how shitty this is right now.

If my grandma was still alive and well, I highly doubt she would worry about any of this. She understood something about life. Her mystery of her knowingness was something I always admired. She had a level of unwavering emotional security. Nothing and no one could get my grandma down.

I can hear her now, “They ain’t stopping nothin’”.

I often thought that it was because she experienced great loss with burying her two sons, a grandson and many more of her loved ones that allowed her the capacity to endure the hardships of life’s randomness. She was never bothered by people gossiping about her or plotting against her. She had an understanding that those people aren’t satisfied with life and she was busy being happy with her own. As a child, when she told me these things they didn’t make much sense. She’d tell me ‘to keep on livin’, you’ll get it one day.’

Why do we run to being grateful when life hurls lemons at us…or…let’s be real, at any minor inconvenience? I have some answers. Please keep in mind that there are many truths, contradictory truths can exist and have existed all at once. We live in a multidimensional reality, my good people. What a time to be alive.

As far as being thankful in all things, I understand the need to be grateful and feeling guilty about being ungrateful because it could always be worse. I was told to be grateful often. Hearing that didn’t break the curse of feeling cheated, like I am missing out on better and greater things. Instead, it felt like my feelings about the present situation and circumstance didn’t meaning anything. As though my feelings held no weight in making things easier, more productive and moving things along. That might be true. But would you rather be right or experience the fullness of your capacity to feel?

I remember seeing on tv family sitcoms where the family sit at dinner, the child isn’t inspired enough to clean their plate, the parent says the offensive idiom, “There are starving children in Africa Alkebulan⁴.” Well, I didn’t get that speech. I got the, “Remember who you are and Who’s you are. Remember where you come from” talk. This mindset of gratitude wasn’t reserved for the home, but this type of be-grateful reactionary thinking was based on the mental and spiritual survival of repressed peoples. I often had the talk about how my family were forced into slavery.

They want you to be sad. Don’t fall into the trap and give them your energy.

There wasn’t a lot to be grateful for if you were a slave or sharecropper or just Black and existing in the USA or anywhere. Understanding yields compassion. However, I cannot ignore other emotions for fear of being haunted by them in the foreseeable future.

With my rudimentary way of thinking as a youngin’, I conceptualized that I was fighting against this vague thing, for lack of a better term, the mindset that desired me to be sad. As an individual, experiencing my own life, I also think about how my ancestors found joy where they could. I imagine them finding community in spite of their terrible surroundings. I think about women holding hope for a better future and if they could ever imagine a distant relative like myself reading and writing freely, being able to drive my own car or having my own bank account and being educated. Then I think, I have time to slow down and honor myself by acknolwgding my emotions. I’m not in survival mode like my foremothers. I have time. I am allowed to feel ungrateful, sad, mad, abandoned, happy, and content all at once, be present with the ebbing and flowing waves of emotions. I’m allowed to feel the full spectrum of emotions. I’m allowed to process my guilt and shame⁵ about feeling guilty and shameful. Feeling is the most human thing I can do because so many may not get the chance to or even know how. I am allowed to be grateful and feel other feelings too. No emotion is better or worse than the other. I am worthy of feeling it all.

I still struggle as life is not without its difficulties. I’m allowed to be sad and grateful about being sad. I’m allowed to say there is no bright side to this and still be like,

I’mma survive this as I’ve done all my worst moments in my life.

I may not feel grateful now or ever. However, I know I will survive this and it will not last. I don’t have to be grateful just have faith that it’ll work out and I will be ready or as ready as I can be.

In conclusion, when others try to reframe your perspective by advising you to be grateful, as well-meaning as that advise is I don’t think they’ve ponder what they are actually saying. The end goal, if there must be one, is to be able to allow yourself the space and time to process the present moment at hand. When we react by searching for ways to be grateful, we rob ourselves of being present with ourselves. We silence, censor an lie to ourselves which keeps us from our own emotional journey for fear of being perceived as ungrateful and therefore worthy of even worse happenings. Forced happiness creates humans who aren’t in-touch with what they are feelings, what they truly desire, and eventually leads to feeling lost because they cannot distinguish what they like, love and dislike. When we shed the “Us v Them” mentality, the dualist way of thinking of emotions being good and/or bad then we are able to perceive the vastness of our human experience. We begin to understand ourselves, we form a deep intimacy within ourselves. Eventually, we will be able to see ourselves clearer and clearer and know that we can handle whatever life brings. It all starts with giving ourselves permission to exist just as we are, moment to moment. Release yourself from the limiting thinking of being grateful is the only solution to being enough, feeling fulfilled and contented.

You are enough, just as you are, right here, right now. There are many truths out there. Believe the truths that empower you.

Guilt, Guilty: i.e. I did something wrong.

2. Envy: Someone has what you desire or do not have

3. Silver Lining: seeing the good in a bad situation

4. Alkebunal: Dr. Cheikh Anta Diop: History of Afrika, ALKEBULAN | THE ORIGINAL NAME FOR AFRICA. link: https://www.awaytoafrica.com/know-african-roots/

5. Shame, Shameful: i.e. I am wrong.

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shadeoshadow · 1 month

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Lyric Stuff for an OC

writers note - this is something that i have typed up before coming here to tumblr, and so why not make it my first post? i'm really proud of how it turned out, so with that being said welcome to my first post here i guess. (i may make a part two in the future or do with with another oc, who knows)

plot - not much of a plot other than lyrics from two songs being used as a way to see inside the mind of an oc of mine

characters present - Kagetama Hayashi (Tokyo Revengers oc)

credits - divider ( @k1ssyoursister ) / gif i just looked up on here and used it / ' Bones ' from ' Paid In Exposure ' by NateWantsToBattle / ' Don't Hold Back ' from ' Underworld ' by VAMPS

" Bones " - NateWantsToBattle

' Don't commit no crime '

Hands gripped the edges of the bathroom sink, knuckles turning white against the pale, ashy skin. She never did any of it, why was she blamed for it all? Tears blackened by eyeliner and mascara dripped into the bowl of the sink.

' Find me innocent but still i serve my time '

Her mom knew she didn’t do any of it, yet there she was telling her to suck it up and deal with it, getting in trouble for something she was put to blame for. Dark eyes slowly traveled up, looking at the reflection that stared back at her, stared right into her very soul and depths of her core.

' The mirror is always showing me '

Looking back at Kagetama wasn’t herself, not entirely, it was the old her, the her she wanted to forget and bury. Instead of a teary eyed woman with dyed hair, a split brow, and facial piercings was a teenager with black hair down to her shoulders, bangs falling in front of her face that framed a pair of cobalt eyes, empty eyes with a face that had no piercings or split brow.

' A shell of who I used to be '

This was who she once was, Naomi Hayashi, scapegoat of the Hayashi household. A sickening feeling shot up through Kagetama’s throat, a trembling hand quickly shooting up to cover her mouth. Dyed silvery amethyst and natural black hair hung down, shielding her face from herself. Even with that and eyes tightly shut she should still see her. Quiet sobs choked out of her, shoulders shuddering with each one. Why why why why why WHY?! She didn’t want to be this way, she just wanted to be fucking happy. So why in the fucking hell did life deal her cards that she felt powerless against?

Weakening legs gave out from beneath her thin frame, her body dropping to its knees and doubling over. They won’t stop coming. Tears continued to flow from her eyes refusing to stop no matter how much she tried to force them back. The bottle was too full, it overflowed and broke. She doesn’t know how much she cried, how long she finally let out sobs she was holding back for 10 years, maybe more, she doesn’t know anymore… She shut away her own ability to properly feel when she lost herself.

" Don't Hold Back " - VAMPS

' It took me some time to really learn how to feel... '

Feeling… It’s been too long since she felt properly. Not physically but emotionally. Those damned emotions were locked away so long ago, they left her nothing but hurt if she let them control her in even the slightest.

' But now I'm coming more alive each day '

Fate must have other plans for it though, after meeting him slowly she started to show them, it was controlled for the most part with some hints of joy slipping through the cracks of the jar. Slowly becoming as close to herself as she’ll let happen.

' That means there's hope, hope that I can be saved '

Maybe he can save her from this hell she’s trapped herself in. An endless darkness that took hold of her and refused to let go just as much as she refused to let go. Slowly looking up from where she sat in the dark, she saw the familiar figure she’s grown to like. A head of pink turned down so blue eyes could look back at her.

' You don't have to understand my pain '

He didn’t need to understand any of her fears, or know of her past, not like she wants him to know anyways. Forcing herself to her feet, her body feeling like cinder blocks under her skin, the weight seemed to lift with each step to him.

' I left it in the past so that's ok '

It’s all behind her forever, never to break through the glass keeping it in the abyss. Within the few steps it took for her to stand beside the scarred male, she felt weightless as if all her troubles and regrets had disappeared into nothing, gone back to where they came from. That was then and this is now, she needed to learn to let go.

#tokyo revengers #tokyo revengers oc #my ocs #song lyrics #natewantstobattle #angst #vamps #for fun #oc angst #music

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countrymusiclover · 2 years

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34 - Dutton Life Goes On

Part 35

Country Rancher

Tags @whateverthecostner @rosie-posie08 @kaycejdutton @kayceduttonn @kcloveswrestling @the-morning-star-falls @kaymudd @hcwthewestwaswcn @hcllfireandhclywater

“Carter, there’s always a choice here. I - I can talk to my husband and make him see that there can be another way.” He picked his tan hat up from the dust sitting on his head giving me the best brave look he could. “I’ll do it Mrs. Dutton….I’ll take the brand for Bree.”

It had been a few weeks since Kayce and Carter had their little fight in the middle of the ranch. Walking down the wooden stairs I saw Kayce sitting on the couch in the living room slowly drinking from a beer bottle from the kitchen. “So are we just not going to talk about getting that boy off the ranch. Because I don't understand why you are still defending him.”

“I am defending him because he is choosing to stay. He is choosing to be there for her, Kayce. Most guys when they get their girlfriend pregnant when they are a teenager don’t stick around.” Crossing my arms over my chest I leaned against the stone fireplace.

Kayce sent me a glare rolling his eyes at me. Our first long standing fight between one another was dealing with Monica until she broke it off with him not being able to accept his lifestyle. “I told you how that boy can earn my trust and make me believe in his loyalty.”

“You're forcing him to take the brand. Do you not see that by doing that you are turning into the man your father used to be. I thought you didn’t want to be like that.” I spat stomping up to be in his face.

Kayce jumped up from the couch getting in my face where we were both death glaring at the other. His brown eyes never broke away from mine where I could see the seriousness yet regret remaining there too. “I am not going to do what my father did. But he doesn’t deserve our daughter. He…he isn’t good enough for her!”

“That’s what this is really about isn’t it, Kayce?” Parting my mouth open I suck in a breath finally realizing that he was being a natural protective father. He repeatedly told me that he didn’t want her growing up but now he truly meant it. “You’re terrified that she will get her heart broken and as her father you feel responsible for her happiness. But we can’t control who she loves and how her life goes-“

He cuts me off short, crossing his arms over his chest. “I sure as hell can so long as she lives underneath my roof and on this ranch!”

“Kayc, come on you have to believe what I am saying here. Yes we are her parents but we have to add the truth that she will grow up. She will become a mother like I am and she will have her own children. That’s how life goes on. That is how the legacy of this ranch and everything we fight for goes on.” Grasping his hands in mine I unfolded his arm’s making him look me in the eye.

He sighed heavily, resting his forehead against mine releasing some breaths. Closing my eyes I wanted to freeze time here and now. Keep our chin all the same age and keep the ranch just how it is. So that there wouldn’t be any more changes. The wooden stairs creaked making us pull slightly apart seeing Bree coming down. “Mom. Dad, I have a doctor's appointment today. Can you guys drive me and Carter?”

“Uh sure sweetie. I’ll grab my coat and keys.” I broke away from my husband heading up the stairs to go find Tate and ask him to babysit the twins until we got back. Walking down the hallway I halted in my tracks seeing a bunch of papers scattered on my daughter’s bed. Entering her room I picked one of them up reading the dates that were all linked to 1923 and were written by a woman named Cara. Unfolding one of the letters I mumbled something under my breath one last sentence there. “Dying is the most alive you will ever feel, Spencer Dutton.”

Footsteps came down the hall where I glanced over my shoulder seeing Bree leaning against the doorway. “Mom, are you coming? Dad says he will get the truck ready.”

“Bree, where did you find these letters at? I’ve never seen them before and I mean the dates are so old.” Holding up the letter in my hands I showed it to her, moving some of the others counting a lot of them. I hadn’t studied the family tree that much even though I had named my second daughter Elsa. It was certainly complicated as most family trees are.

Bree entered the room locking gaze with me where I could see that her stomach was getting bigger where we could hopefully learn the gender considering she told me she was pregnant when she was into her pregnancy by a month or two. “I got bored so I went searching around in grandpa John’s room. I found them hidden away in his closet so I decided to read them. Please don’t be mad. I know I shouldn’t go to his room without permission.”

“You’re not in trouble this time but don’t do it again, get it. Now we should go, otherwise we will be late to the appointment.” She nodded leaving the room before I turned back towards the bed finding the bag that the letters were in. Quickly going downstairs I put them away in our bedroom needing to read them later tonight.

The drive to the hospital was quiet and intense where none of us dared to utter a word. Closing the passenger door Carter and Bree walked side by side with him wearing his tan cowboy hat. I was wearing my black one with the golden clip and Kayce had on his normal hat opening the front door for us. The nurse got us into the doctor's room. “Well I am surprised to see you back so soon Mr and Mrs. Dutton. I would have thought after the twins you two would take a break.”

“Well you see the thing is we’re not pregnant doctor. This time it’s…” I trailed off sending my daughter a look while she sat on the table playing with her hands before she gave me a small head nod. “Our eldest is pregnant, Bree.”

The doctor had to blink a few times before he got everything set up so she was laying on the table. Carter and Kayce were asked to wait outside leaving me alone with my daughter. The doctor put the cream on her stomach showing the video on the screen. “Then I suppose congratulations are in order. And according to this I should tell the gender how far along you are. Would you like to know, Bree?”

“Mom…” She lifted her head up grabbing my hand in hers.

Squeezing it back I move to the door telling the boys to come back inside so that they could hear at the same time. “It is completely your choice, Little B.”

“The gender of your baby should be a boy.” The doctor declared looking between Kayce and I then it shifted down to Carter and Bree. The Dutton name would always keep growing.

Comments really appreciated ❤️

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hellcatinnc · 1 year

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Masquerade Kiss Otome Review

Spoilers Included

This game is definitely one of the more sensual/sexual games that Voltage has that I have played. This also includes bdsm parts to it however I know others have come across the themes but for me not being one who is into that it really wasn't bad I could deal with it as part of the story line it even made sense. There is also triggers in the bosses route for rape/sexual assaults' it doesn't happen but definitely leads that way.

(Its only the boss route Kei is the bdsm route just in case your trying to skip either) So you play a spy which I found pretty neat yet to still end up with a love story definitely interesting. (Just so you know these are normally in order of my favorite but Kei is top then Yuzuru & Kazuomi are actually tied I couldn't pick between the two and boss is dead last and not even on my list really)

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Kei Soejima

This man they call the English gentleman or the prince because of his nature and politeness to people. Oh but this man has a naughty, darker side to him. However when I started this mans main story I just couldn't stop til I was done, it kept me on the edge of my seat. He is very damaged and believes love is based around domination. He trusts no one until he realizes he is in love with your character. He tells you from the beginning he wants you hooked on him and by the end of the happy ending you are both hooked together.

There are dark paths about his childhood in a church and orphanage definitely might be triggers to some. When push comes to shove though he will always protect you as well as always choose you even over his revenge of the church this man is definitely a good story to read and so worth it. Just know he isn't just a prince and gentleman but he does know how to come off as both. His sensual moments had me on the edge of my seat honestly not hard to see why you wouldn't practically melt into a puddle if this man was tying you up and dominating you.

----------------------------------------------- Yuzuru Shiba

Ok this man is like a modern day prince charming yet cold as ice to the world. I don't know its weird but he falls under closer to a kuudere he is so hard to read in the beginning and boy does he seem like he has no emotions but its cute watching him little by little let those walls down. He has a more naughty side deep down and when he tells you he wants you then you feel it in every inch of your body the shivers this man can leave. He has had a tragic past with his parents killing themselves when he was young, its what has made him more cold as ice.

However the cutest thing you see him do first for the mc is the fact that he is making out with her when she tries to pull away hitting her watch against table and her moms watch that she wore was broken. This man went out of his way to take it apart and truly fix it for her because he knew how much she loved it. I wanted to hug this man myself at that point. There are parts about him that seem overly strict and personality - less and withdrawn and other times seem sincere and docile. He has many sides but him and the mc truly understand each other and you can tell they were meant to be at least in his route. He is a bit over serious for me but I loved seeing his softer side and I think he falls for the mc before she falls for him. The moment he says I love you I felt it though.

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Kazuomi Shido

I honestly wasn't sure what to expect from him but after seeing how he could be a bit flirty on Kei's route he intrigued me especially since I like them flirty guys. I will say though this much this man keeps you excited and on the edge of your seat. With his flirtiness and his control he exceeds over you at times you will see those walls slowly break down in your character as well as him. Its almost like you can truly tell when they fall in love. I really like his character and I was pleased to see he has a good heart and has been through so much.

He isn't just some rich guy he was homeless once he knew what it was like to build himself up. Even though he comes off as a playboy he honestly has never let love in before because he didn't want to be anymore alone than he already was when and if it fell apart. I not only love his character but I truly respect it as well. He is very seductive but also has a gentle side to him to not take advantage of a woman when she is weak or drunk even. He has so many sides to who he is but that is always what makes him the most exciting in the end. He also is protective he won't let anyone hurt the woman he loves, a modern day flirty prince charming lol.

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Boss.

So I'm just sharing these few pics just to kind of show how much of a asshole he is. I got to chapter 3 of his actual route and was purely disgusted by this man. Not only in other route like shown above and below is he an asshole but he almost lets her get raped by another agent literally within the first 3 chapters. Not to mention he tells you your going to be his wife and he doesn't care if you have morals that you won't sleep with people to get the job done. He tells you that you will have to sleep with him if needs to be when the time comes to prove to the mafia your his wife. He disgusts me over and over again with his coldness and I just could not enjoy this route one day I might come back but honestly I doubt it.

Hope you enjoyed the review this was based off 1 chapter main story's nothing out side of that if I find something is worth talking about in the other routes I will surely come back and write about it.

#otome #gaming #reviews #review #masquerade kiss #yuzuru shiba #kei soejima #kazuomi shido #voltage games

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frog0eatseverything · 2 years

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I am a Girl

By FrogEatsEverything

I gaze up at the midnight sky, the look of the stars and the patterns they make, allow my soul to mellow out.

For once in my life I feel free, like there is no one to see me cry or laugh or curse up a storm. So here I stay so I can mourn.

Mourn what I do not know.

The sound of nature calms my nerves, my body relaxing on its own, as I am content with staying away from home.

I open my eyes, not noticing when they close, but I am obviously unaware.

My hand sank into the grass, twitching with every touch of blade. But I don’t mind, as long as I can let my heavy burden slip off my shoulders.

I’m glad I am at peace, for there is no need to carry my guilt.

I am free, yet I’m still trapped and can’t find the key.

Even when I run away from the nightmare that is my everyday terror, I know I cannot stay here forever.

I can already feel the pull on my body, trying to drag me through the ground.

Exposing me to the dangers that I must face.

Tears fell down my face, the once peaceful silence now shuddered.

The moon crumbles, I no longer feel the grass with my hand, I can no longer see this blissful land.

The black dots that seep into my vision cause panic to swell in my throat.

My chest tightens as the stars turns into eyes, staring down at me.

Their gaze burns my skin, I clenched my eyes close.

My fingernails dip into the delicate skin of my palms.

Teeth clenched to force back sobs, my remaining hand coming to guard my mouth.

My body violently shudders, my form trembling yet there’s no movement on the ground.

I continue to try to control my cries, pressure wrapping itself on my limbs. Tugging me as if I was a puppet.

The puppeteer controls my strings, forcing me to act normal, I can’t let them know.

I can’t let them know

I Can’t Let Them Know!

The voices tell me, arguing with each other on how I should react.

I’m tired of staying quiet, I open my mouth and let out a scream.

Only, there was no noise that came from my throat, not a single peep.

The voices were dead silent…

I lifted my head, my eyes opening as the shadows of my room crawled on top of me.

I find slight comfort and despair that I am back home, glad that my puppeteer loosely held onto me.

They were just that, strings, not the chain that used to hold me down.

I feel tired, a wave of empty exhaustion slamming into my body.

I drop my head back onto my pillows, looking through my scattered thoughts.

How did I get here?

Why was I in my room?

Why am I crying?

I question, lifting up a hand to rub at my face.

I put my hand back down, pulling it to my chest as paranoia strikes itself into my brain.

I look around my room one more time, freezing when I spot a mirror hanging on my door.

I shift on my bed, eyes widening as I look at the person the mirror projects.

It was a stranger, I was sure of it.

It had brown bloodshot eyes and short blue hair.

No that was not what made me think that this was an imposter, no it was the empty shine in their eyes.

Eyes that were supposed to show joy and happiness.

Shine as the brown hues sparkle with life.

This wasn’t me, it was just a default mode that I can change into.

That’s right, I’m still alive, I should be happy!

A small smile forced its way on my lips, eyes straining with the effort to look normal.

There, much better, I thought.

There in that moment was someone who wasn’t lonely and dying inside.

There was the perfect image of a person that a mother would be proud to call her daughter.

Daughter

That’s right she is a girl, her name doesn’t come to her, a twisted ugly sensation filled her gut at the thought.

She was a girl, she had to be one, her mom said so, and parents are always right.

But it didn’t feel right.

And as I look in my reflection, I wonder if that person in the cracked shiny glass was me.

That I wasn’t okay, that I didn’t want to be a girl, that I felt suffocated being in the same house as that person who I was supposed to call mother.

Before I could figure out what was so wrong with me being a girl, the stars that I dreamed of popped into my head.

The wicked shine of their light bearing down on me.

No I couldn’t tell anyone, no one would listen, no one would care.

It didn’t matter what I felt, as long as I was the perfect daughter.

I fall back into bed, pulling the covers over my head.

I couldn’t continue to stare at that mirror, I didn’t want to know who was in that reflecting surface.

Because I don’t want to know who I am, for I will never be free.

I will never be able to cut my hair short, to do sports or even try to be someone I’m not supposed to be.

I am a girl.

I will never look at the star and feel free, not with their eyes judging her every decision.

I will continue to be this girl, the one who is happy.

The unhappy me has to disappear, for it is not real.

I am free, yet I am trapped inside of my mind. There will be no mistakes. For I am a

Girl.

#my poem #sad poem #transgender #trans male #internalized homophobia #homophobia

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matchluv · 2 months

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Being unhappy is the new normal.

As a society, we’ve generalized the term “depression.” We joke about death lightheartedly: “I’m so depressed,” “I want to kill myself,” “I would rather die.” How has our society come to be one where we want to be, and even argue over, who is the busiest, the most stressed out, the one that has the most problems?

But, after all, we have burdens pushed upon ourselves from such a young age - schoolwork, expectations, social life. Yet we worry more about making unhappiness go away, rather than truly finding happiness. Are we really living life or just trying to slowly delay the inevitable, impending doom that is death?

***

Our house ran every day like clockwork, always busy and always moving.

When I was little and we first moved to **, my parents were determined to fill every block of time I had and I did it all. My days became monotonous, each nothing more than a faint memory. My life was consumed by: Mondays, piano; Tuesday, violin; Wednesdays, writing class; Thursdays, ballet; repeat, none of which I particularly enjoyed. I spent the rest of my time reading or doing my homework. Nothing had meaning. I looked at this time as a filler, but a filler for what, exactly?

I treated life as if it was a sprint rather than a marathon.

Yet, most of my hobbies stuck with me. People told me I was talented, and it became my self-worth. I was nothing without my music.

During dinner, after the usual “how was your day” s, my mom would tell stories about her childhood. This was one of the few times our busy life paused; my mom would wear a relaxed smile on her face as opposed to yelling at us. My mom had always felt distant. We were locked in a constant stalemate; she never understood me and I never understood her. But during these times, I felt at home.

“I don’t know how to study for math though!”, “But so many people are smarter than me,” “I’m not good at sports like you”; I knew what my mom would say every time but I didn’t want these moments to end. She told us of her life growing up: going to boarding school, being valedictorian, top of her class, athletic and overachieving. So, being the eldest child, I was expected to perform well academically and live up to my mom’s reputation.

***

I was always called the “teacher's pet” in elementary school. My parents constantly compared me to others: my friends, classmates, peers. Without any self-confidence, my happiness stemmed from praise and compliments. I got perfect grades on all of my assignments, I gave the graduation speech, and I was far ahead of the school curriculum. My peers gave me nicknames as well: “the calculator,” “computer,” and “the smart one”. I managed to keep my perfect record up to sixth grade, but after that, everything fell apart. My grades were slipping far beyond my control.

If my work wasn’t perfect, I didn’t want to do it. I would barely put effort into the things I didn’t think I was good at. Everything used to come naturally to me, and now that they didn’t, I gave up. I would dread reading any form of feedback; making one mistake and doubting my capabilities sent me spiraling into a rabbit hole of self-depreciation. I procrastinated nearly all of my assignments until everything started piling up.

Yet, on top of it all, I told myself to not care. I repressed my feelings the way you would boil water in a kettle until I simply could not bear it anymore.

I wasn’t normal anymore, I didn’t feel like myself. I felt broken. My life was shattering in front of me into pieces, faster than I could pick them up and glue them back together.

***

I don’t remember how I changed. There wasn’t one singular, storybook pivotal moment. It was my friends, the feeling of a fresh start, and a newfound motivation to live life, and ironically, also my parents. They were and will always be my greatest supporters.

I’ve realized that being normal is as impossible as striving for perfection. We, innately, associate difference with “bad” and are scared to change. Instead, I’ve started searching for the small things that make me happy: going for a walk in the park, studying at a cafe, having a picnic.

I never quit piano or violin, they still gave me comfort within my chaotic schedule, but I’ve realized true happiness shouldn’t come from being normal. It's feeling satisfied with life and enjoying every single moment.

thanks for reading!

about me :3

grade: 8th

name: kiki

#8th grade #writing #english class

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benefits1986 · 1 year

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Summer Solstice ‘23

June 21, 2023. You are indeed a curious day even when I try my best to brand you as just another day. First stop, it’s so difficult to switch between Windows and Mac. Plus, there’s really something about the keyboard of Mac which is oddly satisfying. LOL. June 21 is supposed to be another day, just like the many days in June; but no. Today has been a long one and still up and running, to be honest. LOL. I guess this is how I try my best to keep my mind off the crazy memories I’ve been talking about a whole lot in the past months. A few days ago, I unearthed mother dragon’s basic letter which has an actual HAPPY BIRTHDAY song she wrote. She even told me that she had to sing the song many times to make sure that she got it right. Just so graphic, horrific and fantastic, all in one go. You know how this letter keeps popping up even when I try my best to veer away from it. I feel that whenever I see it, mother dragon’s claws are clenching my neck, yet again. In the same manner, I guess it’s a reminder that she does not forget. EVER. NEVER EVER and will never ever forget. Mom told me that I am her most awaited child. UGH. Clingy levels 100000. But she told me this bit a few years before she expired; so I was disproving her with all my might. I even told her that she’s just manipulating me so that I’d be convinced to let her go in peace; even if it meant that I’d be left in shambles. She had a come back, of course. She always does. She told me that though I am not a tough cookie, she really wanted to have me. She prayed very hard for me to be a reality. The prayer and the hoping lasted for a little over two long years that was like eternity back in ‘86. I managed to retaliate as I resurfaced that she did not plan to be married in the first place and that she wanted to live outside the Philippines. I even pushed it saying that she wanted to be single and independent, but because she met my dad, things took a sharp turn. Mom married quite late. She had her life going and she chose to settle. SETTLE. And compromise and submit herself to my dad. :D LOL. I stand firm with my previous thought fart where I shared that while my parents did not have the touchy-feel-good love story, theirs defied all odds. Their love story was a testament of wedding vows which I secretly laugh upon during my wedding photography era. I almost choke as I take shots. This is not because of the couples but the whole idea of professing the vows. What I am saying is that the wedding vows seem too simple but, its roll out is actually scary and dead serious, too. June 21 is the longest day in 2023. It’s known as the summer solstice. This day should be a day of the brightest sunshine and the longest night with clear skies. It’s a phenomenon that tilts the earth a tiny bit. In the spiritual vantage point, summer solstice is supposed to be a time for new beginnings, change and nature. DAMMNNNNGURLLLLL. Hala siyaaaa. The thing is that the Southside, it’s been raining and the sky is overcast. June 21 is also a day where I saw that Harry Potter concert will land in Manila. I guess what I’m saying that while summer solstice may be a trend, we are still bound by variables we can’t control. And that, we need to hang onto our constants. I am hopeful for new beginnings and change for the good and the better. June 21 is also a reminder to be more attuned to what’s organic, what’s authentic, and what’s worthwhile. PS: What’s running on my mind? Baguio trip. Siargao rebooking... again. UGH. :D Pero sige lang, birthing pain szn, but I shall be back, just in time. Breakfast buffet. Spending time with Ely. Visiting mom this weekend. Biking more with Vici. :D Spending more time outside friggin’ Manila, for good. :D LOLOLLOLL. And dreaming of Negros Island because I am being hit by organic and sponsored content. Ticket to the Harry Potter Concert in Manila. JAPAN. JAPAN. JAPAN. Jafunds. Jafunds 100000000000. Checking on my small and smaller circle. Pruning. Pruning. Pruning. Juicing.

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raynblaze · 2 years

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She’s Pregnant

Emilia stood up with the pregnancy test in her hands. They were shaking, and she felt like she could pass out at any moment.

The test turned positive before a minute even passed. She didn't know what to think, so she grabbed another test to make sure. She thought "It could be a false positive!" anything to lie to herself, although in her heart she already knew it was the truth.

That one turned positive as well. The birth control must have failed.

Emilia had a million thoughts racing through her head. How could she be pregnant while on birth control? Was it the valley? "I guess Ivy was right about the whole fertility thing." she thought. But how could she raise a child in the midst of a vampire and werewolf feud, and what would Farkas think?

Emilia's heart started racing. She always knew she wanted to be a mom one day. But they were supposed to be in hiding. She wanted to get married, live in a big house with Farkas while they both had steady jobs. She wanted her mom to be there too. This wasn't at all what she had imagined. The Valley was beautiful, but she couldn't imagine raising a child here. What about medical care? She couldn't go to a hospital, especially with dangerous vampires hunting them.

She had her period when they first got to the valley, so she knew the baby was definitely Farkas'. That made her feel a little better...but was Farkas ready for this? She knew she had to tell him right away. There was no way she could keep this from him.

Emilia entered the bedroom to see a sweaty Farkas in his workout attire. She knew he must have been training with the boys again. Tears started forming in her eyes.

"Ema...What's wrong??" Farkas looked concerned.

"Farkas...look." She gave him the test and looked away. She was terrified of his reaction

.Farkas was shocked. They had been intimate with each other a lot lately, but he knew she was on birth control. After a moment of processing what was happening, Farkas suddenly leaned down and touched Emilia's stomach.

"I'm...going to a be a dad? Oh, Emilia...I'm so happy!" Farkas started to cry. Emilia looked down stunned. She wasn't expecting him to react this way. With everything going on, she expected him to be upset. Suddenly, all of Emilia's worries seem to wash away. All she could think about is how happy she was to have him in her life.

Farkas wasn't mad at all. He didn't let the fear of the outside world scare him upon learning that the woman he loved most in the world was carrying his unborn child. A child that he would love to grow as much as her. He always wanted to have a family with her. He knew that she was the one since he met her. Emilia was his fated mate, even though she was a vampire, and there would be nothing to keep him from protecting his family. His Uncle Lucan would be so proud of him.

"You're...not upset? How is this going to work, Farkas? I've always wanted to have a baby with you...but I'm so scared, Farkas.

"Farkas grabbed Emilia tightly and held her in his arms.

"I won't let anything happen to you or the baby, Em. There's nothing in this world that's going to stop us from having a family together. Who cares if we aren't married yet? We can do this. We have family that will help us. We'll figure this out, don't be scared, I'm here for you. I will protect you. I love you Emilia Vatore, I can't wait to raise this baby together with you."

Emilia was sobbing now, and she felt so much relief. She felt her cheerful nature start to come back, as she thought about the future of raising her child together with the love of her life.

#ts4 #ts4 story #simsstories #sims #sims4 #simsstory #thesims #thesims4 #simblr #pregnant #werewolf #vampire

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phoenixborn · 2 years

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Aka I lived bitch

Brief intro & career outlook

In this AU Cindy was born in 1994 instead of 1966, but above that, nothing much changed in her family life. Her father is still an abusive dickhead, while she wants to pursue her singer carrier he forces her to be a soldier, a weapon only that this timeline it backfires horribly. In 2009 in his drunken rage he attacked her mother yet again but Cindy didn’t run away. After a long and bloody struggle she managed to murder her father, but not without him almost taking her eye out with a knife. The case was swept under the rug: she was only 15, it was self defense and of course no one should hear how a high ranked military officer got butchered by a teen girl.

After Cindy was free from her father’s suffocating hold, her mom was safe, she began to chase her dream, her band assembled fairly quickly, they became close friends, acknowledging, accepting each other’s mistakes as well as strengths. Four incredible talents worked together, they fought wildly in a world leaning towards pop and techno music, they all were deeply affected by the 80s and they did everything to give the golden era of rock n roll a worthy comeback. Their fanbase grew slowly but steadily because they wore their hearts on their sleeves, they were raw, wild, unapologetically blazing bright with extraordinary vocals, incredible stage presence and love for the audience. In 2013 they won a Grammy for Love Bites* and since then, their career skyrocketed. Her acapella filled stadiums, she was finally living the dream she wanted and the way she wanted. Despite the success, they hadn’t slow down a bit, tour to tour and each show is a masterpiece of its own. Cindy refuses to use any kind of autotune, playback or other modifications, she wants to stay real and she definitely doesn’t need them anyways. In 2019 Inferno was declared the Rock Artist of the Decade* and included in the Hall of Fame. No matter the accomplishments, slowing their pace is not in their intentions at all.

Personality

Witnessing and experiencing abuse definitely left a mark on her, while she doesn’t regret it the slighted that she killed her monster of a father, the memories like scrambling to get the kitchen knife before him, withstanding brutal blows still haunt her. Cindy is truly alive on the stage, a glimpse of her true personality: a wild, outgoing rocker chick who definitely knows how to have fun. While she is happy and secure, a protective aura of danger still accompanies, lingers around her, she’s not afraid to voice her opinion and in her early years she has gotten into plenty of bar fights. Unresolved traumas aside, she is considered a good person, a great friend, versatile to work with.

Voice

Classified as Dramatic mezzo-soprano and she fully lives up to it. Insane range of more than 4 octaves with C2-E6 so far, with the aim to belt into whistle register. Her voice has an unique, sharp yet rugged sounding with clear high notes and rough deep howls like she’s a demon rising from Hell. Even the roughest riffs coming deep from her throat feels natural, she can effortlessly play with her voice, twist it, break her limits; her special fun is mimicking the electric guitar sounds. She’s a control freak, fully in charge of her voice, breathing and technique. She is a Scream Queen, belting out high notes are a hobby, she is capable of holding them out over 15+ seconds.

more here

#🎙 human verse 🔥 | extraordinary; stage lights bathing her in the stars' glow #🔥 alright/encouraged to like & reblog🔥 | spread my name like wildfire #(*Cindy's voice claim is Lzzy Hale so the Inferno is a little bit based on Halestorm's accomplishments)

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twinkleimagines · 3 years

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frenemies

summary: You catch feelings for your nemesis Rafe Cameron and notice his change of how he started interacting with you, so you begin and hoping he feels the same, so you decide to take the risk to confront him and see what his true intentions are.

5.5k words

LONG!

Part two, part 3 , part four (final)

Warning: Language, smut, physical and verbal fighting.

Rafe Cameron.

The most loved and also the most hated Kook in the OBX.

You and your pogue friends despised this guy, or at least you were suppose to.

But for some reason, between all the bickering you two had done over the summer, you've managed to fall for him.

I know- what the fuck.

It blew your mind too. He was never nice. Always making fun of the Pogues, practically humiliating you all every chance he got. You guys were nothing but broke thieves who took whatever you wanted no matter who it hurt. You guys were scum, the dirt on the bottom of his shoe, a bunch of nobody's that will never make it anywhere in life.

Which is obviously not true, but to Rafe - that's what you ‘dirty Pogues’ were.

You didn’t care for the name calling though. You honestly could say the same thing about the Kooks. They cheat their way into life, never have to work for anything , always have mommy and daddy's money to get them through any obstacle. But you knew not all Kooks were like that. Take your best friend Kiara for example. She's a 'kook' by the book, but by the streets she’s a Full Pogue at heart.

but for some reason though, Rafe would spend most his time trying to find a way to harass the shit out of you specifically. He could have a million Pogues around him yet he always found his way through the crowd to have some conversation with you even if it was to drag your name through the mud.

You first realized the feelings you had for Rafe when you began craving his presence.

It was the annual bonfire that you and your friends had went to , a place where all teens and young adults mixed from all clicks. Tourists, Pogues, and even Kooks. Everyone was there.

You stood next to the fire with JJ and Pope, two of your closest friends as the night grew louder, more people filling in. You watched the crowds as the piled up on the sand, but your eyes roamed for Rafe himself. You were almost mad at yourself for actively searching for him. And it wasn’t even like you were looking for him so you could avoid him, but searching so you could see him and hopefully grab his attention.

You continuously questioned yourself as to Why you were looking for this jerk off to begin with. All he was going to do was put you down and try to humiliate you in front of all of your friends.

But for some reason, when your eyes landed on that tall brown headed boy, his hair for once not greased back, a wide grin on his face as he wore a black t-shirt and a red cup in his hand- your heart fluttered. You began to grin slightly, seeing him in the distance.

Despite how much of an ass hole he was, Rafe was unbelievably hot. He was toned, Tall, jaw line so sharp it could probably cut you and you could get lost in those blue eyes of his. It excited you so much when he would give you attention. Even the negative attention. At this point you just enjoyed looking at him and hearing your name flow out of his mouth.

"earth to Y/n" JJ spoke out stepping out in front of you blocking your view to Rafe, and ultimately bringing you out of your trance.

“huh” you responded dumbfounded .

“Pope thinks I’m stupid for eating food with mold on it” JJ said throwing his hands up, you grin as you watched the blonde boy try to seriously defend his theory. Pope’s eyes widened throwing his hands up as well, looking towards you for agreement.

“It’s a Fungi bro! nothing good comes from Eating mold!” Pope argued back. JJ shook his head, disagreeing with Pope’s statement .

“dude, mold is good for you ok it’s just a natural organism “ He stated, dropping his hands down to his sides.

“You’re fucking nasty” You laughed out before pushing onto JJ’s shoulder. You hadn’t realized it yet, but your laugh caught a certain boy’s attention. the moment Rafe heard that familiar tune, his head turned to your direction, his eyes focused on you as you threw your head back with laughter.

“Well well well if it isn’t Ms. Sarah Cameron “ JJ spoke as he walked up towards one of your best friend, John B, and Rafe’s younger sister, Sarah. They both looked in your direction taking a few steps away from each other as if it wasn’t obvious that they were talking.

You didn’t hate Sarah per-say, but one time she did make out with your ex boyfriend while at a party. She claimed he told her he was single and she was just looking for a good night but Sarah was known for always wanting attention so you were doubtful on the fact that she was ‘unaware’ that he was your boyfriend.

You were the only one who knew John B’s crush on Sarah. He had started working for her father after his father went missing, and you were the only one who had caught on to his different approach when Sarah was ever mentioned, or how his cheeks would go slightly red when she would walk by. You didn’t blame him, the Cameron siblings were fucking hot.

“Hi JJ’ Sarah said with a grin. You stood to the side of Pope, looking around for Kiara, only to find her sat with a group of more Pogues talking their heads off.

JJ began trying to include Sarah into his previous ‘mold is good for you’ argument while your focus drifted off, your eyes roaming the crowd once again.

You managed to look back over to where you had first saw Rafe standing, only this time he was no where to be found.

“sarah baby c’mon” you heard someone say. You looked over, Your eyes widening to see Rafe and Topper standing in front of you next to Sarah. You knew this wasn’t a group that needed to be mixed, but seeing Rafe excited you. Your eyes landed on his, your heart beginning to flutter. You hated the fact that you two were enemies. It sucked looking at someone the way you did, knowing they were only looking back at you with hatred and pure disgust. At least you thought.

“Oh c’mon Topper can’t the girl just have a little fun?” JJ laughed out, his alcohol clearly running through his veins.

“You Pogues don’t know the meaning of fun JJ” Topper laughed out. You rolled your eyes shaking your head.

“Go the fuck on Topper “ you spat out, your eyes lifting some towards Rafe before going back to Topper. You could feel yourself kicking up a sweat, maybe from the alcohol , or maybe from the fact that Rafe’s eyes were already on yours when you looked at him. He even had a smirk plastered on his face, probably from the fact he gets off on the fighting.

“Oooohhh someone’s ballsy tonight huh?” Topper laughed bringing the attention to you.

“No im just sick and tired of you stuck up kooks always trying to ruin a good time” You scoffed out, crossing your arms over chest.

“Y/n you wouldn’t know the meaning of a good time if it slapped you in the face alright?” Rafe said. He furrowed his brows together when he realized a smirk rising on your face once you looked over at him. He didn’t know what to think considering the other times you were giving him an ‘ eat shit ‘ look, but this time it was almost as if you were happy he was commenting towards you.

“Oh right, having random hook ups and snorting a line of coke every night is a good time huh Rafe?” You scoffed out sarcastly. “ yeah I think I’ll pass” You said with a roll of your eyes.

“ Listen JJ you and your little bitch need to just go back to the cut where you came from-“ you glanced at Rafe, only to see him looking at Topper with anger as if he was upset at him for calling you that , but before you could further analyze his expression, JJ pushed against Topper’s chest, slinging Topper backwards.

“you watch your mouth” JJ spat out pointing his finger towards Topper’s face. John B quickly stepped in , pulling JJ back away from Topper who was now laughing like an idiot, excited for the action that he thought was about to happen.

“Yeah go ahead Johnny boy go ahead and play dad “ Topper spat out as John B continued practically dragging JJ away from the group. “just don’t go abandoning him like your dad did ” He yelled out. Your mouth flew open in shock, seeing John B stop in his tracks but before he could even respond, your hand slapped straight across Topper’s cheek, causing his head to bounce side ways.

“go suck on your moms tits some more you fucking prick” You scowled before turning on your heals, following your friends. You didn’t even bother to stick around for anymore commentary, your only goal at this point was getting your friends the hell away from here before all hell broke loose.

“never fails man” you heard JJ screamed out in anger as you made it to the parking lot all while Pope continued trying to hush them as they stood next to the twinkie.

“JJ chill!” Pope yelled out as he tried pushing JJ into the Volkswagen but to no avail.

“no man they always get to do and say whatever the hell they want and never get any repercussions for it !” he exclaimed.

He wasn’t wrong, they really did. And if the Pogues fought back they were deemed bad and out of control. You sighed heavily as you watched JJ try to calm himself down, only to realize you had left your phone on the Log you were originally sitting at by the fire.

“Fuck I’ll be right back” You stated, only for your arm to get grabbed by John B.

“No don’t go back there” He instructed but you shook your head.

“I’ll be fine I just left my phone. “ You exclaimed before making your way back down towards the crowd of people.

“Xcuse’ me “ you mumbled as you brushed past people, making your way to the fire.

“Y/n what happened?” Kiara asked popping up from the side, placing her hand on your shoulder.

“I’ll explain later , meet you at the twinkie ok? go calm JJ down” You responded, pointing behind you with your thumb towards the van. She rolled her eyes, realizing it was a fight that had happened before turning around, making her way to your friends.

“Just can’t stay away can you?” You heard from behind you. You turn around to see none other than Rafe himself standing proudly. You rolled your eyes before turning back around, walking towards the fire once again. Despite you usually being excited to see him, tonight really put things into perspective for you.

You really were just a ‘dirty pogue’ to these guys, nothing more. There was no point to continue entertaining the thought of anything ever happening between the two of you. You were enemies, and that was all you’d ever be.

“I just came to get something Rafe go away” You huffed out.

“Oh you mean this?” He yelled out , making you stop in your track. You turned around to see Rafe holding your phone up, a wide grin plastered across his face.

“Give me that” you demanded, reaching your hand out, but Rafe pulled back, pulling it out of your reach.

“Rafe!” You yelled out with anger. “Give me my fucking phone dude” You spat out , reaching out again.

“Well what’s in it for me?” he asked , that smirk still obvious on his face.

“Rafe , please” You sighed out, dropping your shoulders slowly giving up. Between the alcohol and it being so late, you didn’t have any energy in you at this point to argue and you were just ready to go home and crash. Rafe noticed the body change in you, his grin falling from his face.

“I’m sorry” he said softly as he held out your phone to you. You were shocked. Rafe apologizing? Nobody but his father had ever heard those words coming from him so for him to say this to you really took you by surprise.

You slowly took the phone from him, your brows furrowed together in confusion.

“uhm,” you said as you pulled your arm back towards yourself. “thanks” you mumbled before turning on your heels making your way back to your friends.

“Y/n stop arguing and just do it!” Your mom yelled at you as she pushed the cleaing cart your way. You had to work with your mom today at the country club unfortunately and you were not even the slightest bit happy about it. She needed help and ‘You teenagers don’t do anything for yourselves’ as she would say, so you were stuck cleaning the floors while she did whatever it is that she does.

“Okay!” you huffed out as you picked up the broom off of the cart, aggressively beginning to sweep against the floor. You rolled your eyes as she mumbled something else to you before walking away, leaving you to clean the room alone.

It wasn’t long after that you heard some familiar voices walking down the hall way towards the room you were in. It most definitely sounded like the horrible three, Topper, Kelce and Rafe. You quickly turned your back towards the door, hoping none of them would notice you since you were alone and you against 3 just didn’t sound like a good time. You continued sweeping as you heard the group laughing as they passed the room you were in, not even paying you no mind. You sighed with relief as you realized they hadn’t noticed you and continued back to sweeping the floors.

“Hey” you heard from behind you. You jumped up gasping loudly as you turned around quickly, only to see Rafe himself standing there .

“God – fuck Rafe you scared the shit out of me. “ You breathed out, your hand over your chest as you tried to calm your heart beat down.

“sorry” he responded. There was that word again that didn’t exist in Rafe’s dictionary. You caught yourself staring before you quickly snapped yourself out of your trance, placing your hand on your hip.

“What do you want Rafe?” You scoffed out. He smirked before walking over to one of the Desks that sat in the room. You watched as he sat down on the edge, grinning as he stared over at you.

“ Never seen you here before.” He stated. You rolled your eyes before you propped your elbow up on your broom, sighing heavily.

“my mom works here. I’m just helping” You exclaimed, not that it was any of his business anyway.

“Huh” He responded nodding his head. He kept quiet once again, leaving the room silent and you beyond confused. You eventually shook your head at him, indicating for him to continue, but he didn’t.

“Look Rafe “ you started, standing yourself up straight. “I have to get back to work so unless you’re here for something important, you can go the fuck on” you finished. Rafe hopped off the edge of the desk, taking a few steps towards you , his body now hovering over yours. You began to feel your heart pound again, this time from the nerves as he stood so close to you. The smell of his cologne, grass and sweat from his Golfing lingering in your nose. you felt your hands begin getting clammy as you tried to hold your composer, your breath hitched in the back of your throat.

Rafe slowly lifted his hands, placing it under your chin, his blue eyes focused on yours. You didn’t know what to do at this point. You’ve had one on one Arguments with rafe before but none where he stood this close, and this quiet with you.

“Rafe” You breathed out as he lifted your chin, your face close together. He grinned once again, leaning in closer to you.

“You’re so beautiful” He said softly. You stared back into his blue eyes for a second before leaning in slightly. You were taken back though as he let go of your face , taking a step back and putting his hands in his pockets.

“ see ya” He responded calmy before walking back out of the room, following back to his friends.

You stood in shock, confused by Rafes actions. You were for sure positive that he was going to kiss you but he didn’t.

“what the fuck?” you mumbled before shaking your head in confusion at Rafe’s actions. You sighed heavily before sweeping your broom across the floor again, trying to regain your compose.

Most of your day went on like normal. You finished work with your mom, your mind only focused on your brief conversation you had with Rafe earlier.

It sucked because you had feelings towards Rafe, and you couldn’t tell if you were overthinking his actions or if he actually was in to you as well.

You had come to a conclusion though- it was one of two options. He was either fucking with you, or he wanted to fuck you. And you were determined to find out by tonight.

“Here goes nothing” You sighed to yourself as you stood outside TannyHill, the outside lights lighting up the big white house. You quickly jumped over the concrete fence, your feet landing in the wet grass.

Your eyes roamed the balcony, trying to remember which area you had seen Rafe standing at before. You bit your bottom lip as you concentrated, only to see Rafe himself walk by one of the windows.

“gotcha” You spoke softly before crouching down some, doing a quick jog across the field in hopes no one would see you.

You quickly managed to climb your way up the house onto the balcony you had just recently seen Rafe at. This was one of the pro’s of being a Pogue. You guys were very athletic and could always find your way to anything no matter the obstacles. You stood catching your breath as your feet finally landed on the wooden floor, the area barely lit by the light from the windows.

“What the fuck am I doing?” You said to yourself as you stood in the dark outside of what looked to be Rafe’s bedroom. You ran your hands through your hair, turning back around to face the field.

“What the fuck am I doing?” you said to yourself again as you began pacing. This is Rafe we’re talking about. Of course this man is just fucking with you. He’s been nothing but a dick to you and your friends for years. why in God’s name would he want you now? You knew you weren’t’ ugly. You were in shape, had decent hair (Even though you probably smelt like sweat sometimes because of how much you spent outside with the gang) But for the most part you cleaned up well.

Plenty of guys wanted you- but you looked nothing like any of the rich girls Rafe hooked up with. Why would he ever want you? It was clear that he was only acting this way towards you so him and his friends could have a good laugh later.

You shook your head in disbelief that you even had the balls to climb this guys house and actually think you could even ask him if he was interested in you. You began to climb back over before you heard a door open. You froze instantly, hoping they wouldn’t see you in the dark but that was just wishful thinking.

“Y/n?” You heard someone say. You mumbled a ‘ fuck’ as you recognized the voice to be Rafe.

“Uhm” You replied awkwardly as you climbed down, turning towards him to face him.

“Care to explain?” He asked throwing his hand up in your direction.

“Uhh” You said awkwardly as you ran your hand through your hair before placing them down your side.

“Y/n what the fuck are you doing climbing up my house at fucking 11 at night” he spat out. You flinched slightly at the harsh tone of his voice, your eyes roaming everywhere but his face , afraid to look at him in humiliation.

“okay so” you started, looking down at your feet. You stood for a second, wondering how you were going to explain yourself without sounding like ta total creep.

“Alight fuck it. “ you breathed out, looking up at Rafe. “You’ve been acting weird towards me, and being all like nice and flirty one minute and a complete ass the next and like – I just need clarification “ You exclaimed before you took in a deep breath, staring at Rafe as you waited for a response. You bit your bottom lip as he continued staring at you with a blank expression.

“Well?” You repeated, but he stayed quiet. You rolled your eyes, annoyed with the mind games he continued to play. “Rafe what is it? You like me or are you like fucking with me?” You spat out in frustration.

He finally changed his expression, this time a cocky smirk forming on his face. He reached out, grabbing one of your hands before walking backwards, leading you to follow him into his bedroom.

“uhh Rafe?” You questioned, confusion written all over your face as his eyes continued staring into yours.

“I’m not explaining myself” He finally spoke, his hair draped over his eyes as he looked down at you. You scrunched your face up as he reached behind you, closing the patio door. He chuckled slightly at your confusion before taking a step back away from you. “I’m just gonna show you” He exclaimed before pulling against your arm, leading you towards the bed before pushing against your shoulder, making you flop down. Your eyes widened as he walked over towards you, a smirk never leaving his face as his hand reached up, pushing away the stray hair in your face.

“You know, I’ve wanted to fuck you for quite sometime” He stated, leaning forward. “I mean look at you,-“ his eyes looked down and then back up your body, landing back onto your eyes, “You’re hot as fuck” He responded. You didn’t have a clue on what to say, so you continued in the same spot , sitting on his bed propped up on your hands behind you.

“You know for a pogue,” He finished, chucking as you rolled your eyes at his comment.

“Why didn’t you say anything ?” You finally spoke, looking up at him through your lashes. His cocky smirk left his face, only to return shortly after.

“Had to make sure the feelings mutual.” He replied , standing back up straight.

“and Who said it was?” You asked , trying to build your confidence back up. Rafe’s smirk widened before he let out a chuckle, his finger pointed out towards the balcony you were just climbing a few minutes ago.

“You did” he replied . you lowered your head some without responding, knowing he wasn’t wrong. HE stared down at you for a few seconds before he leaned in, the tip of his nose touching yours.

“Rafe” You breathed out as he stayed teasingly close.

“Hm” he hummed, not moving his face.

“Just fucking kiss me already” You demanded. Rafe happily obliged, his lips colliding with yours. Your hands immediately made their way to the back of his head, tugging on his hair.

“You wanna lay down for me ?” He asked after a few minutes of your tongues fighting for dominance. You didn’t respond other than nodding before you slowly laid yourself down, your eyes not leaving Rafe’s. Rafe grinned before unbuttoning your shorts, tugging on them. You lifted your hips up from the bed, helping him slide your shorts down as your teeth clamped down around your bottom lip. He stared at your hot pink panties, seeing the darkened area as you were already soaked.

“Soaking wet and I haven’t even touched you” He indicated. You felt heat rise to your cheeks as attempted to lower your head in embarrassment even though he could see you. Your mouth flew open as Rafe leaned down, pressing open-mouthed kisses against your damp panties, applying friction against your clit. You moaned out, leaning your head back as he placed the palm of his hand against you, rubbing up and down at a slow pace.

“Does that feel good?” He asked, his voice low and deep. You bit your bottom lip before nodding your head. Rafe grinned before he tugged on your panties, pulling them down to your ankles.

“Spread your legs open baby” He demanded , his voice calming but deep and intimidating.

You grinned before slowly spreading them open, his eyes focused on your heated core the whole time.

You laid your back flat against his bed as he got down on his knees, pulling you by your hips down to the edge of the bed, your bottom hanging off directly across his face .

“Rafe” You moaned out as you felt his warm tongue glide along your slit, his tongue stopping against your clit before he enclosed his lips, sucking slightly. He wiggled his tongue back and forth as his inserted his two index fingers into you, curving upwards. You gripped your hands against his navy blue sheets, gasping loudly as his fingers hit against your g-spot, sending tingling feelings through your body.

Rafe took one of his hands and trailed it up your stomach under your crop top, his hand groping around breasts.

You continued moaning loudly as his finger tips swirled around your nipples while his other hand continued moving rapidly against you, his eyes looking up at you in admiration.

Rafe lifted himself up, his face close to yours as his fingers continued moving inside you.

Y/n” he called out softly causing you to open your eyed and look over at him.

He placed his lips against yours as he slowly grinded himself against your side, pushing his rock hard shaft against you.

“You wanna do this?” He breathed out as he looked down at you, the pace of his fingers slowing down. You nodded looking up at him, your heart nearly pounding out of your chest.

“Yes Rafe” you practically whined out. Rafe moved himself to where he was hovering over you, his lips placed against your neck as he pulled his joggers down some, his member popping against his abs. You breathed out deeply as you watched him line himself up before slowly sliding himself in.

“ fuck” He groaned out as he felt your walls wrap tightly against him. Rafe was not only long, but he was thick all the way around, filling you more than anyone had ever done before. You placed your arms around his neck, holding him close as he began moving his hips against you.

The room was silent, only the sounds of your deep breathing and small groaning from Rafe as he continued rocking his hips in you at a steady pace, one hand placed above your head as the other gripped tightly under your thigh to hold your leg up.

“Rafe go harder” You pleaded. Rafe instead stopped his movements completely before rolling you over onto your stomach. He pulled slightly against your hips causing your bottom to stick up in the air as your face was pressed into the bed.

You gasped loudly as Rafe inserted himself into you again from behind, the new position giving him access to going deeper in you, which was exactly what he did. You felt his hand land on the back of your head, pressing you deeper into the bed as he began grinding his hips deep into you. He began slow at first but then began giving you exactly what you wanted , slamming himself into you over and over again.

At this point the pleasure was overwhelming and you couldn’t hold the moaning in as he continued rocking his hips into you, the sound of skin slapping echoing the room.

“Fuck im gonna cum” Rafe groaned out deeply in your ear, the feeling of your tight warm walls around him bringing him close to his own climax. He began placing sloppy kisses on your back, his pace speeding up. You arched your back feeling yourself clench around him as you orgasmed, your clit pulsing. You whined out, tugging on his sheets as Rafe continued to pound into you, riding out your high.

“Fuck y/n “ Rafe groaned out as he quickly pulled out, pumping himself off shooting his load on your back.

You both stayed in the same position for a few more minutes as you tried catching your breath before Rafe grabbed a napkin from his nightstand, wiping your back off.

You rolled over, laying on your back as Rafe put his bottoms back On before looking back over at you out of breath. You grinned as your eyes roamed his glistening body, his abs very prominent and his hair stuck to his forehead from sweat.

“ You should’ve definitely came to me sooner” you finally spoke out with a giggle. He sat down on the edge if the bed chuckling slightly.

“Yeah, that was nice. “ He responded. The room became silent, you both just sitting awkwardly while you laid on his bed still naked. After a moment of silence, you finally sat up, pulling his top sheet with you while getting up off the bed.

“Soo” You said awkwardly as you wrapped the sheet over your sweaty body.

“you can use the front door ” He responded looking up at you. You almost wanted to slap him at this point, realizing he was indicating for you to leave. You scoffed while rolling your eyes before turning away, picking your clothing up off the floor.

“What?” He asked as he continued sitting on the edge of the bed, noticing you aggressively picking your clothes up in anger.

“Nothing Rafe” you mumbled as you pulled your shorts back up up your legs, turning your back towards him.

“Hey” He responded standing up, grabbing your hand after you pulled your top over your head.

“What” You replied back, looking up at him with anger.

“I wasn’t saying you had to leave now I was just saying you didn’t have to climb down the house again” He exclaimed. You stood for a second before shaking your head.

“I should go anyways, it’s late” You replied before walking over towards your shoes, sliding them on over you feet. “but don’t worry I’ll take the balcony so no one sees me”. Rafe wanted to reply to your comment but instead he stayed quiet as he watched you make your way back to his balcony before stopping, leaving your hand on the doorknob.

“Uhm” You spoke , causing him to look up at you. “I’ll see you later?” You stated, more like questioned just for your own clarification. He grinned before nodding his head, walking towards you. He walked you out to the balcony, helping you over the edge before watching you climb down to the ground to make sure you made it down safely.

You did a light jog back towards the concrete wall before turning around, looking up at the balcony. You grinned when you saw him still standing there watching you. You gave him a wave before turning on your feet, climbing back over the fence and going home.

***

Sorry I’ve been incognito for a while but ya girl is back 🥲

Also,

✨As always feedback, like, and a reblog is always appreciated ! ✨

Masterlist

#drew starkey #obx #drew starkey fanfiction #rafe cameron fanfiction #drew starkey imagine #rafe cameron imagine #smut #obx fiction #drew starkey dirty imagine #drew starkey smut #rafe cameron dirty imagine #Rafe Cameron dirty fix #Rafe Cameron smut #obx smut #obx dirty imagine #obx dirty fic

752 notes · View notes

leossmoonn · 4 years

Text

Play Ground Days

masterlist

pairing - carl gallagher x fem!reader

type - fluff

note / request - “ughh FINALLY someone that writes good imagines abt carl from shameless! could you write one where you two grew up together and you've always been close n stuff and then at some point he realizes he loves the reader and he talks to ian and lip (maybe mickey too bc i love him) about it? (fem!reader btw if that's cool) thanks babe xx” thanks for inspo on the beginning @poesflygirl <3 ,,, carl and you are 16 also pls dont come for me ive only played COD 2 times last year so lmao i dont remember a lot about it, enjoy!

summary - carl has liked you since you two were young, and seeks advice from his brothers and mickey

warnings - strong language, drugs and alcohol, little talk about bad body imagine

————

*gif isnt mine*

“I fucking knew it!” Lip exclaimed.

“Why are you telling us? We’ve known this.” Ian commented, smirking at his little brother.

“How the hell—” Carl started.

“You’re not exactly great at hiding your crush on her,” Mickey chuckled.

Carl’s eyes were the size of saucers. “You knew?”

“Of course I did. I’m not fucking Helen Keller,” Mickey rolled his eyes.

Carl groaned and ran his hands roughly through his hair. “I can’t believe this. Well, secret’s out, I guess. What do I do?”

“Just go tell her you like her. It’s not like she’s going to turn you down.” Lip shrugged, putting his cigarette to his lips.

“Lip!” Ian hit his brother’s shoulder.

“What?” Lip asked.

“You weren’t supposed to say that, dumbass,” Mickey said.

“What does that mean?” Carl asked, looking in-between his brother’s and Mickey.

Lip sighed. “Ah, shit, right. I’ve already said too much.”

————

4 hours earlier: 2:00 PM

“Hey, shit head!” She called out, throwing rocks against the window.

Carl got up from his bed, shocked but happy to see her. He opened his window, leaning against the frame.

“What’re you doing here?” He asked.

She threw the rocks to the ground. “Escaping from my druggie dad, duh. What’re you doing?”

“Nothing,” Carl shrugged.

She did her signature smirk that always made Carl’s heart flutter. “Wanna go and stuff our faces at Patsy’s Pies?”

Carl’s eyes lit up at the mention of fatty, greasy food. “Hell yeah. I’ll come down.”

She nodded, going to the front of their house. Carl ran down the stairs, putting on his shoes and opening the door to find her on the steps.

“Hey, why didn’t you just come into the house?” Carl asked, shutting the door behind him.

“Putting damage on your window seemed more fun. Oh, hey! Do you have an extra bed I can sleep in tonight?” She asked.

Carl nodded. “Yeah, of course. Your dad is that bad, huh?”

“Yep, he relapsed. Super fun,” she laughed sarcastically.

“I’m sorry. That shit sucks,” Carl said.

She shrugged. “Yeah, well, it’s life. Anyways, ready to go?”

Carl nodded. They got into her car, the girl starting it and driving fast to the dinner. As she was driving, humming to the songs on the radio, Carl stared at her. She was absolutely gorgeous.

Her name was Y/n L/n. Carl’s oldest and only real friend. They had grown up together, Y/n living only a few houses away from him. They had met in detention in 1st grade and had been close ever since.

“What’re you staring at?” Y/n asked, glancing over to him.

Carl blushed. “Nothing.”

“Alright,” Y/n sang.

Carl had often been caught staring at her. It was something he usually did from time to time, but now it was more often. He couldn’t help it. There was something about her. Maybe flawless her skin was, how pretty and bright her smile and eyes were, the way she would make him feel secure and loved, something he had never got from anyone consitently.

He never really knew why he thought those things about her. People had told him that he probably had a crush on her, but he knew that wasn’t right. He had crushes on girls before and the things he was feeling for Y/n were a lot different than what he had felt for his past girlfriends. He figured it was just that she was his closest friend and he happened to be a horny teenager, so naturally, he just thought those things about her. But oh, how wrong he actually was.

Y/n parked her car at Patsy’s Pies. They walked into the diner, seeing Fiona at the register.

“Hey, Fi,” Y/n smiled.

“Hey, Y/n, Carl! Long time, no see. How are ya?” Fiona asked.

“Good, good,” Y/n smiled.

“Good,” Carl said.

“Great! Well, get yourself seated and someone will be right with you,” she smiled.

Y/n and walked off to a small booth and sat down. They picked up the menus that were already on the table.

“You gonna get your usual?” Y/n asked.

Carl shrugged. “Maybe. Should I change it up?”

“Yes. The double bacon cheeseburger looks good,” Y/n said.

“Are you getting that?” Carl asked.

“Maybe. I’ll probably get a salad or something. Gotta watch those calories, you know?” She half-joked, putting a hand on her stomach.

“I think you look good. You don’t need to worry,” Carl smiled.

Y/n’s eyes widened. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Carl nodded.

Y/n looked back at the menu, hiding her embarrassment.

Carl complimenting her was something that was rare, but did happen. Y/n never remembered Carl as a romantic type of guy, but it seems that he had developed those traits from having a few girlfriends. She liked that, actually. She liked him complimenting her, staring at her for minutes at a time, the way his ears would turn red when she teased him. She liked all of that.

Y/n would never admit it to anyone, but she had a crush on Carl. She had a crush on him since their freshman year of high school. Well, in reality, she probably has always had one, but the first time she really realised she liked him was in biology when he got in trouble in one of the labs. She remembered when the teacher was yelling at him and he looked at her, smiling at her mischievously and winking at her. That wink had her heart racing and mind go foggy. From then on, she had liked him as more than a friend. Yet, she never said anything because well, as cliche as it was, she was afraid of ruining their friendship. He was really the only one who got her and who never abandoned her. She couldn’t lose him, so she just kept her feelings and gestures to him as friendly as she could.

“Hi, I’m Carly and I’ll be serving you today. What can I get you today?” The waitress asked.

“Hi, can I get the philly cheesesteak with a medium coke and fries,” Carl ordered.

Carly nodded and wrote his order down, turning to Y/n.

“Um, I’ll get the bacon cheeseburger with a small sprite and fries. Thanks,” Y/n ordered.

Carly took their menus. “Great. I’ll have your drinks out soon.”

Y/n and Carl smiled at the waitress as she walked away.

“Hey, so I thought your dad was in rehab,” Carl said.

Y/n sighed. “He was, but I guess his girlfriend got him drunk, then convinced him to do some lines. God, I can’t believe he's even with her still.”

Carl frowned. “What about your mom? Where’s she?”

“She’s going to nursing school right now. She’s the only one responsible in this family, yet she never calls or anything,” she scoffed.

“You’re really responsible,” Carl said.

Y/n smiled. “Thanks, C. You are, too.”

Carl laughed, “Me? I sold drugs on the streets once.”

She giggled. “True. But you’ve really shaped. I'm proud.”

Carl smiled sheepishly. “Thanks.”

Y/n hummed a ‘you’re welcome’. Carly came back with their food quickly and they dug in. Carl and Y/n spent their time talking and eating, spending about 2 hours there as they just kept talking.

“Are you two finished?” Carly asked, gesturing to their empty plates.

“Yeah,” Carl nodded.

“Great. Here’s your bill, pay whenever you’re ready,” Carly smiled and took their dirty dishes.

“Ready to go?” Y/n asked.

Carl nodded and got out his wallet that he had in his shorts. Meanwhile, Y/n also got out her wallet. They both looked up at each other, awkward expressions on their faces.

“Oh, I was gonna pay,” Carl said. “No, no, my treat. I invited you here,” Y/n said.

“You sure?” Carl asked.

She smiled and put a hand on his arm. “Yes, I am, Carl.”

Butterflies irrupted in Carl’s stomach as she touched him. He nodded slowly, putting his credit card away. Y/n and him walked up to the register and paid for their meal. They then went back to Y/n car.

“What do you wanna do now?” Y/n asked.

“Wanna play COD Black Ops 3?” Carl asked.

“Yes!” Y/n smiled. She drove them back to his house, parking haphazardly on the street.

The two hurried into the house, grabbing a seat on the couch. Carl got the controllers, turning onto the playstation. Y/n logged onto her account, selecting the gun she wanted to use. Carl then started the game.

“Where are you?” Y/n squinted her eyes at the screen.

“Right behind you,” Carl smirked.

Y/n turned around, gasping as Carl shot her.

“Fuck you!” Y/n exclaimed.

“Little rusty, huh?” Carl teased. She rolled her eyes. “I’m gonna kill you next round.”

“I’d like to see you try,” Carl said.

“Winner gets to pick what’s for dinner,” Y/n said.

“Deal,” Carl nodded.

The pair played for a couple hours, the game ending with Y/n getting the last kill.

“Good game,” she smirked, setting the controller down.

“I forgot how good you were at this,” Carl frowned. Y/n giggled, “I forgot how bad you were.”

Carl rolled his eyes with a smile. “Alright, where do you want to eat?”

“Hm… Noodles n Company?” She suggested.

“Sure,” Carl nodded.

“Alright, I’m gonna use the bathroom and then order. Text me what you want,” Y/n said, getting up from the couch.

Carl nodded and watched her go upstairs to use the bathroom. Then that’s when Lip, Ian, and Mickey all came into the house.

“Hey, guys,” Carl said.

“Hey,” Ian smiled.

“Is Y/n here? We saw her car out front,” Lip said. “Yeah, she is,” Carl nodded.

“Asked her out yet?” Lip smirked. Carl’s face turned red. “Wh-What?”

“Oh, you’re not in love with her then?” Ian furrowed his brows.

“I… am I?” Carl asked.

Ian chuckled. “Yeah. You always are always happy around her, blush whenever she teases you.”

“And you’re always staring at her,” Lip added.

“That doesn’t mean I like her,” Carl said.

“Do feel dizzy and nauseous when she touches you? Does your heart race when she gets close? Do you see yourself kissing her? Would you do anything for her?” Ian asked.

Carl furrowed his brows. They were right, all those things did happen when she was near. She was his best friend. He also sometimes think about kissing her and being with her in a romantic way. And yeah, of course he would do anything for her. Maybe… Maybe he did love her.

“Oh, shit,” he muttered. “I… I guess I am in love with her.”

And that, ladies and gents, is where we left off. Lip, Ian, and Mickey teased Carl until Carl begged them for real help.

“What do you mean?” Carl asked anxiously.

Lip looked to Ian and Mickey for help on what to say. Little did Carl know, Y/n actually did admit her crush to someone. And that someone, or someones, were Lip, Ian, and Mickey.

“Don’t worry about it, man,” Mickey said.

“Did she say something to you?” Carl asked. “No,” Ian shook his head. “Like Mick said, don’t worry.”

“I… fine. Well, what do I do then?” Carl asked in slight distress.

“Give her some flowers and chocolate. Girls love that shit,” Lip suggested.

“Alright,” Carl nodded. “I don’t know what her favourite flowers are, though.”

“Just get her roses. That’s really romantic,” Lip said.

Carl smiled, “Alright. Awesome. Thanks, guys.”

He decided to get the flowers early morning tomorrow before Y/n woke up.

————

Carl sneaked back into the house, hoping not to wake Y/n up. As he walked into the kitchen, he was shocked to see her at the table drinking coffee.

“Hey, Carl!” Y/n smiled.

Carl’s eyes were blown wide. “I.. uh…”

“Who are those for?” Y/n got up and pointed to the flowers and chocolate in his hand.

“Um… you?” Carl said. Y/n smiled. “Me? What did I do to deserve this?”

Carl knew that he couldn’t make up an excuse. He was horrible at lying to her. So, he decided to just have his confession here.

“I.. I’m in love with you,” Carl said. Y/n’s jaw dropped and she froze. “Wha-What?”

“My brothers and Mickey helped me realise I was yesterday when you were ordering dinner. They told me I should get you flowers and stuff so I did. I hope you like roses,” Carl explained and held up the gifts.

Y/n’s lips upturned in a wide smile. “How long have you liked me?”

“Honestly, probably since we were little,” Carl shrugged sheepishly.

Y/n giggled. “Me, too.”

“Really?” Carl smiled.

Y/n waked up to him and took the gifts, setting them on the kitchen counter. She went up to him and put her arms around his neck.

“Yep. I always have,” she grinned.

“Oh, sick!” Carl exclaimed. “Oh wait.”

“What?” Y/n asked in confusion.

“That’s what they meant!” Carl exclaimed in realisation.

“Who? What?” “Oh, Lip, Mickey, and Ian kind of told me yesterday when I asked for help,” Carl explained.

Y/n’s eyes widened and she turned to the stairs, glaring. “Mickey, Lip, Ian! You better fucking run!”

————

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2K notes · View notes

spartanxhunterx · 3 years

Note

Would you have any ideas on how to write such a fic you are good writer.

Aww, thanks.

I’ll give my one all round useful bit of advice that I try my best to stick to.

DETAILS.

Details make everything work, whether it comes to character dialog or description you’ve got put details down:

“Why don’t you love me mom!?” Chloe said, Angerly

While this is a good sentence for a starting writer, as it gets the point across, I try to avoid using emotion descriptions like this.

I won’t say Happy, Scared, Upset and other emotions unless it is an observation gleamed from one Character analysing a situation.

How I like to write is to throw in details and extend the sentences, like this:

“Why don’t you love me Mom!?” Chloe’s hands shook from their place by her sides, her eyes were beginning to well with tears as she tried to stop herself from shaking.

This here helps me to put the character into a better description. Here, Chloe is upset, the use of an exclamation mark means everyone knows she’s shouting, so there’s some anger involved. The shaking hands and teary eyes tell the story of someone struggling to keep themselves from crying, from being upset.

So the second sentence has Angry, Sadness and frustration all being conveyed in one go.

Whereas the first one was just, angry.

Emotions are never solitary, when experiencing one emotions you’ll often be experiencing another, so try to convey that with how you write.

This second sentence is much better, it’s not much longer but when this is applied to an entire store you could easily extend it by at least double.

Writing out body language is a good way to clue in a reader to something you want noticed without explicitly saying what it is.

Sabrina took a step back as the other person stepped closer, when her back touched the lockers behind her she raised her hands in front of her in a defensive manner.

Now look at that sentence, you can feel the tension of the scene, you don’t yet know what’s happening but you can feel tension, from a single sentence.

Sabina fearfully pushed herself back against the lockers away from the other person.

Now that second sentence is good mind you, but it spoils the whole point of the sentence at the second word, which, if this is a sudden turn in the script then it comes out of nowhere.

If just a sentence before this there was nothing that was causing the fear, then writing the word Fearfully results in the reader being confused as to why fear is now a factor.

Which brings me onto another thing, build up and Cooling off. Typically used for characters emotions and interactions.

Like with the sentence with Sabrina above you can tell that something led up to the moment before that sentence, there was tension before she backed up.

You have to build up those moments to fit the scene and then, when the scene is over DON’T revert the character back to normal.

The character should be affected by scenes that happen, so to keep using the above Sabrina scene. She’d be afraid after this happened, paranoid even.

And she’d need time to calm herself and reassure herself that it wouldn’t happen again. To reiterate, she’d need to go through with processing her emotions before she can go back to normal. This is something that can make characters feel human, real and relatable.

If characters jumped from emotion to emotion without those emotions having lasting impacts then they’d feel more like masks than characters.

Keep in mind I’ve only been talking about emotion here, but that’s cause I find that quite a few people just, forget to add them in. People forget that characters (unless specifically stated otherwise) will always have emotions and they will react more emotionally than logically in stressful situations.

It’s the difference between two characters having a conversation like they’re robots, just spitting out responses to what’s said. To two characters having an animated discussion where it feels natural.

Emotional reactions are often impulsive, you don’t really control when you laugh or cry, or are afraid. Those are thing that happen in situations that call for them.

Just by adding emotion description like this you take a story and can make it go from looking like a movie script to an actual fully fledged movie.

Emotional actions won’t be the only ones though, even if your just writing a scene where someone is walking to somewhere. Don’t just write:

Nino started walking down the path as he listened to music.

It’s boring, plain, and lacks description. Instead write something like this.

Nino bopped his head slightly to the music that played from his headphones, feet carrying him down the sidewalk as his finger tapped against his thighs in rhythm to the music.

Like, look at that difference. Just look, same one thing is happening in both but the second one feels alive.

But this is just for characters, the environment around them needs details too. Cracks in the paths, animal noises, car noises, describe what other people are doing around them with some detail.

Your character shouldn’t be walking around an empty city that is perfectly maintained only to meet up with the plot relevant characters when just before there was no sign of other people. The world around should feel alive and lived in, like the setting itself has its own character.

Taking all this into account, look what I can do to the first example:

“Why don’t you love me Mom!?” Chloe’s hands shook from their place by her sides, her eyes were beginning to well with tears as she tried to stop herself from shaking.

There was a stillness around them as the people around them caught their breath, mutters came from the crowd of people but none loud enough to be heard.

The overhead lights blared down on Audrey, making the glitter in her Clothes shine and glimmer. Even as Chloe’s breath grew ragged Audrey didn’t bat an eye, didn’t show the slightest bit of discomfort.

“Love you?” She repeated, as if she was just saying those words for the first time in her life. “Clare my dear, what is there about you to love?”

LOOK, look how long I got that simple sentence to carry, from details. You understand the scene better now, you can feel the tension, the emotion. Without details that scene would go like this.

“Why don’t you love me Mom!?” Chloe shouted angrily.

“Love you!? Clare my dear, what is there about you to love?” Audrey said, emotionlessly.

I don’t know about you, but I’d rather read the first.

My ONE (1) exception to this is Chat Fics/Text Fics. Where, realistically, all we have are one line of dialog one after the other. But we know they’re communicating by phone or other device and the inability to fully grasp what emotion is being shown can used to the writers advantage to create funny reactions, whereas in a normal fic is works against the writer by making everything feel bland and stale.

So again, to reiterate, Details. You NEED details, it makes characters feel alive, places feel real, makes everything feel natural. If it’s just dialog it reads like a movie script of “He said, She said.” Which I always nope the fuck out of.

Without details the readers can never grasp exactly what your going for. And that may stop people from coming back to keep reading.

#Writing Tips #writing advice

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l-r-christian · 3 years

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One-Shot: Male Reader Is Hope's Fraternal Twin Brother, And Is Ignored By The Mikaelsons. Because He Is Born Human( He Isn't But His True Nature Didn't Awake Yet).

It Left Him Filled Wit Loneliness, And Anger At His Family, And Twin. One Day, While Walking In The Woods Getting Home He Gets Attacked By A Vampire, And It Causes Him To Awake His True Nature As A Hellhound.

He Kills The Vampire, And It Leaves Him With Shock That He Isn't Human, And Is Happy He's Not Vulnerable.

So Y/n Gets Home, And The Mikealsons Aren't Home, Y/n Decides To Leave And Train Himself To His Full Potential.

Freya And Hope Can't Track Him Down Due To Y/n Being Immune To Anything Witch Related.

Yo dudes Imma make this so sad just angst though and though. I also did a bit of mixing of Teen Wolf's Hellhound and some of my own ideas.

Warnings: Heavy angst

Human was what Y/N was unlike his younger twin Hope who was in all sense all powerful. Ever since their birth Y/N was over shadowed by Hope as he didn't understand when it happen but his family began to ignore him and favor Hope. As the once proud Klaus showing off his first born son was now ignored his son and all his attention was on Hope.

"Not now Y/N, Hope needs my help." Was what Y/N heard over the years as he got older, now while Hope took after Hayley. Y/N was more like their father than anyone care to notice as the boy loved art like his father, had mostly Klaus's features but more dangerously Y/N inherited Klaus's temper something Marcel learned the hard.

"Y/N is only human Marcel. He can't harm you." Rebekah told the vampire after Marcel had told her that the boy had stabbed him the throat with a butter knife. At age seventeen now Y/N was used to being alone and having anger for his family how they seemly pretend he wasn't a Mikaelson.

"Where ya going kiddo?" Marcel asked seeing the teen putting on his shoes and had his backpack with him. Y/N looked at the vampire with a glare as Marcel was used to the anger in the boys eyes and mentally cursed the Mikaelsons for not keeping an eye on boy as there was nothing more dangerous than an angry Mikaelson with nothing to lose.

"Why would you care? Do yourself a favor and stop caring for the useless Mikaelson." Y/N tells Marcel anger bleeding though his words as he left the compound and headed for the woods. The woods was where Y/N spent most of his time to draw or to let his anger out but like his father he still held onto it. Y/N sat drawing weird circles that he had been seeing in his dreams lately then got up seeing it was getting dark and as he walked home he was attacked by two vampires.

"Man Klaus is going to pay. And what better way than to drain his kid and leaving the body on his door step."

"Yeah I guess he should have kept a better eye on the weakling." The vampire holding Y/N said and a flood of anger filled Y/N just as the vampire sank his fangs into the boy's neck when there was a sudden burning. The vampire let the boy go pushing roughly as he screamed and Y/N watch the vampire burst into flames.

"What do you do to my friend brat." Vampire two growled grabbing Y/N by his throat and the boy growled deeply as his eyes flashed red. The anger of years being ignored and loneliness was let loose as Y/N tore the heart from the vampire's chest. As things calmed down Y/N was surprised and stared as his hands as happiness bubbled in his chest as he realized he wasn't useless and maybe his family would care for him again.

"Dad! Mom!" Y/N shouted running into the compound with a grin that fell as he noticed he could hear everything but his family. Y/N found they left him so he made up his mind grabbing a bigger backpack his packed his things and didn't bother to leave a note.

"Fine I'll leave and get stronger without them if they don't want me then fine." Y/N growled as he left his childhood home not looking back. Two months, it took two months for someone in the family to notice that Y/N wasn't around but they brushed it off as the human boy was with Marcel but no he was in the mountains of Montana with an older man that Y/N ran into his week away from home. The man whose name was Alias, was an Hellhound that was almost as old as the boy's family and Alias took the boy in trained him to control his hound form and hellfire which when Y/N learned he could do that the boy was excited.

"Calm yourself pup." Alias told him as he had the boy sit in front of a fire the first day of training. At first Alias was annoyed with Y/N at first but the boy grew on him and the older Hellhound became a father figure to Y/N.

"Hey Al why are in the mountains?" Y/N asked following the man.

"Going to train you in the cold so you could control molten lava veins. From there we are going to wake your full potential, pup."

"Why the cold?"

"Can't risk you burning yourself until you get control." Alias tells Y/N as they came up to a cabin. While in New Orleans Hope and Freya was trying to find the older twin with a locater spell but so far they came up with nothing.

"Where could he be Elijah?" Klaus growled pacing angry that his first born was gone. Elijah watched Klaus closely while Kol called Davina to come help.

"I understand you are upset Niklaus but we will find the boy." Elijah said as Hayley came in crossing her arms.

"The wolves lost his scent just out of the city." Hayley said getting everyone's attention as they hoped they could find the boy soon. A year passed and Y/N had unlocked his full potential and had bested Alias many times in training. But sadly the boy's father figure had passed and Alias had passed his family Crest to the boy asking him to spead his ashes in New Orleans.

"Don't worry about me, pup. You'll fine as you are strong." Alias told Y/N the night he passed as their foreheads touched and in his honor Y/N howled and swore he hear othe Hellhounds howled too. Y/N walked though the streets of New Orleans carrying the urn holding Alias's ashes while on his way home Y/N had ran into other Hellhounds apologize for his lost and if he needed anything they were happy to help.

"Y/N?" Y/N heard Hope's voice and he turned saw his sister who shocked to see him. Y/N was no long thin and kinda scrawny, he was now lean with muscles with five a clock shadow on his nice jaw line.

"Hope." Y/N said his tone not welcoming surprising Hope as she eyes looked at the urn in his arms. Someone called out for Hope making her turn to see who it was then looked back to find Y/N gone and pulled out her phone calling Hayley.

"Mom, I found Y/N."

"May you find peace dad." Y/N said speading Alias's ashes in the bayou at a cabin the old hound had and left to Y/N.

"Here I thought I was your father?" Klaus said smirking stepping out from the tree line and Y/N looked over his shoulder seeing his father.

"You stopped being my father when I turned six." Y/N said looking back out at the lake as Klaus frowned watching his son. There was something was different about his son and Klaus couldn't put his finger on it but he was going to find out. Y/N was annoyed that suddenly his family would come out to see him while just shut them out and they still didn't know he was a Hellhound.

"How you have fallen hybrid. Your son hates you and now your dau ......." the vampire was cut off by a huge black hound jumped on his chest growling as it tore his thoat out. The hound had glowing orange eyes as it growled killing the rest of the vampires saving Hope and Klaus.

"Is it a wolf, dad?" Hope asked watching the hound look back at them as something about it was haunting.

"No. It is bigger than a wolf." Klaus said as it ran off and both followed it to find it was Y/N come morning.

"Fuck." Y/N muttered rolling his sore shoulders as he still wasn't used to shifting at night going inside to take a cold shower to cool down. Y/N sat down studying a few old books he gotten on his travels as his door opened and Klaus walked in with Elijah and Hayley following.

"Yes please come in Klaus." Y/N said annoyed not looking up from his book.

"You have failed to me you are a Hellhound."

"Because it was none of your business. I made it clear I want nothing to do with any of you."

"Then why come home?"

"If you must know Hayley, I am carrying after my father as protector." Y/N told Hayley there was anger in his voice as Elijah saw the anger in the young Hellhound's eyes that reminded the older Original of Klaus.

"Protector?"

"Yeah, now If you excuse me I got work to do." Y/N said walking out leaving them as they realize they had years of anger and loneliness to undo from the young man unsure if Y/N will ever forgive the family.

#the originals x reader #Mikaelsons x male!reader #Klaus mikaelson x son!reader #Hope Mikaelson x brother!Reader

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