#how she wants the pain the to be pver

[self-destructing-sad-boi]

I talked to her daughter a few days ago. I'm so proud shes on hormones and that she had the courage to change her college course. I love her still

I'm bitter. I'm angry. I watched a Greys Anatomy death scene compilation the other day to cry. I'll never be over Derek's death

I never wanted to leave. I just didnt feel like I could stay

[lunaekalenda]

Heya An 💕🥺 I hope when you see this you are doing good!! First of all congrats and I checked out your event (which is so creative btw and I love it) and here is my request! (I hope it’s not complicated omg-)

💖, ❓, can it be in the aot world? Like she joined the survey crops and she is really skilled, smart and really tough and that caught Levi’s attention and he has a crush on her :,). After a mission battle she almost risked her life but Levi saved her. It got her by surprise and she tells levi why did u save me out of all ppl and Levi decided to confess his feelings first time to the person he loves and he gets all nervous and shy. (Like he just says randomly “will you be my girl?”) and hes all blushed up. And the girl is all surprised but accepts it and she brags abt it to all her friends that Levi is her man and he lowkey is rlly happy abt that 🥺 (fluff scenes of him holding her hand and all that to FINALLY show off he has a girl and he’s so cute and happy abt it 😭). Thank you and have a great day ✨

ofc!! i hope you like it <3 and thanks for participating! <3

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romance + strangers + canonverse feat. Levi Ackerman

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“Nice one!” Hange says approaching you. You land on the floor and smile to them. They look to the tall tree you just escalated in a very short time. 

“I wanted to try a trick that Rico taught me.” you say. Hange nods, excited.

“The one with the little tumble to turn faster and begin the descent with propulsion?” you nod.

“Yes! It’s pretty useful.” you say. You’ve been friends with Hange for a while now, but you spend most of the time with the cadets of your promotion, specially with Eren.

You have just joined the corps this promotion, training with Eren, that’s what made you two so close. You’re also friend of Mikasa and Armin. 

“Hange.” Levi calls them. He’s walking towards you two, loosening his shirt collar with a bony hand. “Erwin is calling us.” He looks at you, as if he had just noticed in your presence. He knows you, he recognizes your face though you two never talked. You made the salute to Levi, after all, he’s your superior. He nods quietly. 

He of course knows you. You’re that one that uses the ODMS as if you were executing a ice skating routine, so graceful and pretty. Hange waves a hand towards you. Levi walks fast in front of them. 

“You’re too obvious.” they say. Levi grumps.

“Shut up.”

Erwin called them to let them know there’s a mission the next day. One of the squads that went for a recognition a week ago has not arrived yet, and they want to search them. And to know if all of them are alive. Hange says they can call their squad, where you are listed. Levi nods, knowing he has to call his new Special OPs Squad. You talk to Eren to ask him if his squad also goes on the mission when Hange tells you you have to be prepared to fight tomorrow. Eren nods.

“Yes. Captain Levi told us earlier. So, I guess we have to go for that...” he says. You nod and say bye to him after you two end having dinner. You enter your bed and prepare yourself for sleeping, trying to recover energy for tomorrow’s mission. 

It is too early in the morning to be talking about titans, but Erwin is giving his discourse before you all leave. You listen to him, trying to avoid unintentional yawns. Once he has assigned every squad to each part of the army, you start to walk. Casually, Eren’s squad is next to yours, on your left. He smiles at you. Behind him, Levi Ackerman looks as awesome as usual, up in his black horse. 

The way is silent in your group and kinda uncomfortable. Some soldiers are crying and some others are screaming that they want to go back home. You try to not listen to them. You also want to go home.

No, you don’t. You’re here because you want to help humanity. If stay away from home and risk your life will help your family to live in better conditions, with no more fear, you’ll risk it every day.

A red light is seen, and you know what that means.

“Titans!” Hange says. “I wonder what amazing ones will we find today...” Once you’re near enough to them, you take your blades and swing between the trees. 

Levi saw you do that hundreds of times, but seeing your body elevate quietly, all the grace in every movement, from your side is another story. His grey eyes follow you, as if the battlefield was now a stage and this was a kinda strange ballet, in which you were the main dancer, and he only one of the public. 

He looks around, blushed. He has to center himself in the battle. Giving a couple orders to his squad, he easily finds an enormous titan. He goes all way up a tree, searching its weak point. You do the same a couple trees to his left, fighting. There’s a weird titan between the two of you, and Levi cannot predice its movements. He seems to be interested in you, but at the same time, he looks at Levi, as if he was about to attack him.

Unfortunately, you were it’s prey.

The titan runs towards you, his mouth open and his hands ready to catch you. You didn’t see him coming, you were too centered on the one you were attacking. The titan caught you off guard, taking one of the strings of your ODMS, making you scream. Levi hears that.

“Y/N!” He goes as fast as he cans near the titan, seeing your blades moving fast towards the enormous hand that was about to cage you. He kills the titan you were trying to kill, the one that had his mouth ready to eat you from his colleague’s hands. Then, he turns over himself, attacking the other one’s neck, the one that is squeezing your body so hard that you’re even screaming of pain. He never saw you screaming of pain. Never.

That’s when he realized how you’re suffering. You feel how the hand around you loses all strength and you fall. You fall because your body feels weakened. Levi catches your body in its way to the floor. You feel his warm body surrounding yours, his calm breath and his voice it’s the last thing your senses catch before you pass out.

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The first thing you feel when you wake up is a fluffy bed under you, followed by a softly touch on your leg. You open your eyes quietly, trying to adapt to the light of the room. Levi is there. You blush.

“Captain Levi?” you ask in a whisper. He looks at you.

“Y/N, you’re awake.” he says. He offers you a glass of water. You thank him and drink slowly. 

”What happened?” you ask. You don’t remember exactly how you ended there, but you were surprised to find Levi by your side.

“You got squeezed by a titan three days ago.” he says, looking at the marks in your legs. “I came here with you as fast as I could and took care of you.” he says. His hand feels soft and hot against your skin. 

“You? You took care of me?” You ask. He nods.

“For all the days you’ve been here, in this bed, with your eyes closed.” he says, his voice going down and his gaze showing what he feels: tiredness.

“Have you been sleeping here, Captain.?” you ask. He nods.

“In this chair.” adds. You take air heavily, but it makes your ribs hurt. He looks at you concerned.

“I’m ok, I’m ok.” you say. “But you should get some sleep.”

“No.” he says.

“Why?” your tone is concerned now. He looks at your bed, but never at your eyes.

“You need someone to take care of you.” He simply answers. His hands play with your leg quietly, making sweet caresses on too of the wounds. You look at his hands dancing on your skin. It feels really good... Levi has been taking care of you for days. He saved you and then took care of you. You thought that the one that will be Levi's partner will be so lucky...

“Can I ask you why did you save me?” you ask, out of nowhere. His hands stop its caresses and he looks at you. His grey eyes are fixated on yours, making a quick scan all pver your face. Your plump lips that he dreamed to kiss for a long time, your cute nose, your blushed cheeks and your beautiful eyes.

“Cause I like you, and i was hoping you could be my girl, y/n” he says.

Wow. You weren't expecting that. He said it so directly, as if it was the simplest thing to say. As if it was easy as breathing. You looked at him, but he was serious.

"Be your girl?" you ask. Levi nods.

"I've been watching you. How strong, beautiful and powerful you are. All those things make my mind a mess, full of you. Your voice. Your body. Everything about you is invasive in my head." he says.

You were totally speechless, analyzing every movement he makes. How his adam's apple goes up and down nervously, how he plays with his hands. You find it kinda cute, how a captain of the Survey Corps is nervous to tell the girl he likes his feelings. After all, Levi took care of you. You felt an attachment, a bond that pulled you closer to him as magnets. You smiled.

"We'll give it a try." you say. He looks at you again, blushed. You smile. His hand searches yours quietly, and you let his fingers tangle with yours. He smiles.

"Y/N, I prom..."

"HOW'S MY FAVORITE GIRL EVER DOING?" Hange asks, entering the room. They didn't pay attention to your tangles hands. A shy Eren and a concerned Historia are behind them. "Oh, you look less like a zombie." they says. "I'm sure that Captain Levi has been taking care of you really well, if you know what I mean." they winks. Levi clicks his tongue, but he keeps your hand caged in his. That makes your stomach be full of butterflies.

"I saw you were in danger, who helped you?" since Historia wasn't called to that mission, she didn't knew what happened. Rumors are fast but, the 99% of the times, false.

"Yeah. Fortunately..." you look at Levi. How his eyes shined when he told you he wanted you to be his girl. "... fortunately my man was there for me." you smile and Levi almost choke on his saliva, but his acting skills were really worked. Historia smiled and Eren blushed.

"Oh Goddess, you two are now a couple?" she asks. You nod, smiling, and Levi blushes after being caught looking at you.

"Why did the little brat blush?" Levi asks. Eren coughs.

"It's just that is weird... My bestie and my Captain..." he says. You blush as well.

"It isn't!" Historia goes on your defense. "It's really beautiful. How the two of them..."

"... are wishing to be alone and we're here. Guys, head to the dorms, our girl is being treated." Hange says. Levi raises a brow and you let out a little laugh.

"Your jokes are pitiful." he says. They close the door behind them and Levi sighs. You smile at him.

"Then... About what treatment was Hange talking?"

[seductivejellyfish]

Musings

The first English translation of Homer’s Odyssey was completed in 1615, by classicist, dramatist, and poet George Chapman. He begins: 

The man, O Muse, inform, that many a way

Wound with his wisdom to his wished stay;

The first time I read the Odyssey was the summer before ninth grade. I had applied to a bougie private high school that I later chose not to attend, but as an acceptance gift they sent me a beautiful golden book, the Robert Fagles 1996 blank verse translation of the Odyssey. His first line: 

Sing to me of the man, Muse, the man of twists and turns

driven time and again off course, 

    At the time I had only the vaguest notion of the plot of the epic. I knew, or I thought I knew, that it was the story of Odysseus and his journey home, punctuated with an endless series of wild monsters and treacherous encounters. When I opened the book I was shocked to find that the Odyssey begins not with the adventure of the titular hero, but back home in Ithaca with his mopey abandoned son. My second shock came shortly after, when the goddess Athena descends to earth to inspire said mope, and does so in the form of Mentes, a man. 

    I reread the lines to make sure I hadn’t missed anything in the confusing clamor of ancient verse. Athena disguised as a man? Surely that couldn’t be right. But it was. Every single disguise of Athena, sans one, was a man. Not only that, there were multiple scenes where mortals recognize her for her true nature and yet still regard her in her guise. In those moments she existed as goddess and mortal, female and male simultaneously. It was almost too much to handle.

400 years after George Chapman, Emily Wilson became the first woman to translate the Odyssey into English. She hurled a book through a millenia’s glass ceiling and when it landed it opened to: 

Tell me about a complicated man.

Muse, tell me how he wandered and was lost.

At age 14 I wandered from a tiny private Jewish middle school into Boston Latin Academy and was promptly lost. Trapped in the practices of the past 300 odd years, every student was required to take 3-4 years of Latin. The first year was relentlessly boring. We bumbled our way through the textbook, memorizing endings and grammatical rules as though the language was a series of mathematical formulas and not something to be read and spoken and learned. 

In tenth grade I cut my hair. For years I had kept my waist-length hair in a thick side braid and in a day it was all gone. I can’t for the life of me remember what was it that made me do it, or when I got the idea. At some point I started telling people that I was thinking about it, and then I started telling people that I was going to do it, and then I did it. Anybody who has gone abruptly from long hair to short knows the miracle of the first shower: the giddy lightness that moves from your neck down through your whole body. 

We started reading real Latin in class and suddenly the language became alive. I wrestled with the text to produce a messy grammatical translation at the bottom of my page and then neatly rewrote a more pleasing version alongside the columns of poetry. I doodled all across the back of the pages--beautiful Greek men with flowing hair, columns and bays, Icarus, wings outspread, falling into the sea. Aphrodite descends to earth in disguise as a young huntress. I search between the pages for Athena. 

Near the city of Crete lived an unremarkable but blameless man and his unremarkable wife. So scared was he of the pain of raising a daughter that he delivered the ultimate warning to his wife: if their child should be born a girl, she must be killed. Only a boy should live. We all know the story--with the dropping of the ultimatum, the course of the tale is sealed. The mother will have a baby girl and she will be unable to destroy her. In this tale there are no babies in baskets, or foundlings left in the woods. Instead, instructed by a goddess, the mother conspires with a nurse to raise the child as a boy. The father names the child Iphis, after his father, and the mother is happy because the name suits a boy or girl and it removes part of the burden of the lie. The child grows up fine and beautiful, with all the best features of the male and female. Their disguise is unquestioned, and they grow up happy, sharing their childhood with a friend, Ianthe. We know this story too. Young love blossoms, and soon the two are engaged, to the delight of father and the despair of mother and child. 

I read this story properly for the first time, in Latin, in the summer of 2020, with the help of my Greek professor. At the beginning of our Greek class the year before we had each chosen Greek names. I was fascinated by the gender play in this story, and so I stole the name Ianthe from it. I am drawn much more to Iphis, of course, but I find the name Ianthe more lovely. And perhaps it is fitting that I embody that fascination with the choice of the name of the character so in love with Iphis, whatever gender they may be.

Burning with love and chafing at the equal ardor of Ianthe, Iphis cries out in despair to the gods. 

    “If the gods want to spare me, then they ought to spare me already! If not, if they wish to destroy me, then at least deal me some regular harm, according to the laws of nature! Never has love of mares consumed a mare, or of cows a cow: sheep love rams, and stags chase after does, the females of their own kind. Thus too birds couple, and amongst each and every type of animal, no woman is seized by feminine desire. I wish I were no woman!”

We reach this part of the poem and I am compelled to stop and reach through the text, to try in vain to comfort the grieving lover. You’re not broken at all, poor girl. You’re not alone.

    My professor asks me if I knew the story when I chose my name, and I tell her that I did. I am always aching to be recognized, to be seen, but at the same time I want to reassure her that this angst of Iphis’ which dominates the text is not a pain I have had to bear. Blessed by my circumstances, I have never once resented who I am. I have never been made to feel unnatural, and I have never felt alone. Again, perhaps it was right that I chose to become Ianthe, the unwitting and undisturbed bride who manages to never hear a thing about the anguish that surrounds her betrothal.

    The end of the story offers a neat resolution-the goddess hears Ianthe’s prayers and transforms her into a man. Light the marriage torches and sound the bells! I am torn in every direction. I don’t know what’s more important--the love of a woman for a woman, the ability for a character to straddle the line between gender, or the transformation from woman to man. Despite knowing that the social construct of gender in Roman times is far from the one I exist within, I can’t help wondering about Iphis after the curtains close. Are they happier as a man? Are they a man at all, or a woman in the body of a man? Was gender ever anything for them other than a weight around their neck, or a performance to play? I translate and translate and wonder what pronouns to use, reading the word woman again and again. 

Iphis leaves a gift in the temple, dedicated to the goddess with an inscription:

DONA: PVER: SOLVIT: QVAE: FEMINA: VOVERAT: IPHIS.

A boy pays this gift, which a woman had pledged, Iphis.

I take a spoken Latin class and think of using neuter endings for myself and then I don’t. I go from “she/her” to “she/they” to “any pronouns.”

O Muse, instruct me of the man who drew

His changeful course through wanderings not a few,

Trans. John William Mackail, 1903.

Athena comes to earth as Mentes. Aristophanes jests with his tale of the original third androgynous gender as pretty boys vie for spots on the ground next to Socrates. 

Tell me, O Muse, of the Shifty, the man who wandered afar.

Trans. William Morris, 1887.

The goddess commands that Iphis live as a baby girl until she can grow into a man. I bind my chest with medical tape and stick socks in my jeans and write my first original ancient Greek poem. 

Tell me the tale, Muse, of that man

Of many changes,

Trans. Herbert Bates, 1929. 

Telemachus strings up a line of women like caught bird for the crime of being sex slaves and translator Fagles kills them again when he calls them “sluts” and “whores” where the Greek says “sleeping.” 

This is the story of a man, one who

was never at a loss.

Trans. William Henry Denham Rouse, 1937

I’m letting my hair grow out again, in an undercut this time. Quarantine has seen me take at last to the clippers, shaving the sides and leaving the rest to grow. It’s long enough now to tuck behind my ears. I’ve spent my Saturdays chanting the Odyssey in a sing-song up and down my house and yard. I’ve memorized over 50 lines by now, but none as powerful as that eternal first. Someday I’ll translate it too. I imagine how appropriate it will be to have a little “trans.” before my name.

The first word of the Odyssey is Ἄνδρα, Andra-man. I take the man inside of me, right next to the woman and the thing which is neither, and I work on translating myself. 

[rebelredeyes]

Doc and Lion: I was wrong about you.

Heads up before we begin. There is a lot of dark themes (Suicidal thoughts, bullying) in here so read at your own risk. Also this is sort of unedited and written in one sitting. Please enjoy.

Lion had been injured in the last terrorist attack as he favored one side of him. It wasn't life threatening though as he passed the medical bay despite every step feeling like hell. He got dirty looks from most people as he moved on by. His team had nearly failed as the hostage had been shot and he got the blame by default. That's when Thatcher showed up. 

"Heard you fucked up yet another operation. Sometimes I wonder why Six keeps you around. Probably for entertainment, that or you look so good on your knees" he jeered as Lion snarled. He wasn't in the mood for this as he tried to move forward but Thatcher stopped him. 

"Oi mate, I am not done talking to you." he began as Lion hissed back. 

"Fuck off" 

"What did you say to me?" Thatcher said as his hand hung near his knife when Lion snatched it up and slammed into the next to Thatcher's head. 

"I said fuck off or are you going deaf. Might want to see Doc over that. Good day." Lion growled out not caring who saw this as he stormed off. No one stopping him as he entered his room to see graffiti pver the walls again. He just turned to the bathroom to see the mirror shattered on the floor and his medication poured out in the toilet.

Lion fought back tears as he entered the mess to fix his side. He had trouble without the full mirror as he used a shard to see. His hands trembling from the pain as he bite back his cries. He then settled down for the evening after discarding his blood clothing and wrapping his horrible stitching job with an old sheet. He then laid down as he tried to get some rest without his medication. He barely got any. 

The following morning, he was hoping for some time off to let his side heal like his other wounds had in the past, but soon he saw that he was scheduled for a bunch of mock up hostage rescues. He hid his displeasure along with the sharp pain of moving till that afternoon when Caveria kicked his stitches. 

Lion crumbled like a sack of potatoes as she backed off. Him soon seeing why as his side grew red. Caveria instant calling a pause as Lion forced himself up. The PA system ordering his to the medical bay as Lion swore under his breath. All eyes staring at him as he stalked off as he heard whispering after him for being stupid or not speaking up. 

He then slammed the door open to the medical bay as Doc waited looking disapproving at him. Lion biting back a scowl as he removed his gear loudly as Doc clenched his clipboard. Him pissed about dealing with Lion after yesterday's news of him getting the hostage hurt. 

"Could you please be more considerate to other patients please." Doc finally snapped as Lion finished. 

"Too late. Already done." he snapped back as he turned to see Doc's eyes flash with rage. 

Doc could see the horrible stitches from where he stood, but came closer as he couldn't believe Lion did that horrible of a job. He was surprised none of the stitches had popped or torn as he assessed the extent of damage. A moderate flesh wound, which he should of seen. Doc growing more enraged as he knew Lion knew this too. 

"You are fucken stupid as I thought. You should have came here for me to do this. I have seen 6 year olds do better than this" Doc lectured as Lion clenched his fists tight. He knew Doc was baiting him, but he responded regardless. 

"Funny. Last time I tried, you threw a bedpan at me and said do it myself."Lion shot back, grumbling in" Kind of hard to do it yourself without a good mirror or anything to keep the pain down too. "

"Suck it up. I had bigger things to worry about that day." Doc snapped "And what about a mirror. You have one is your fucken bathroom" 

Lion jerked away from Doc fully as he felt his anger grow along with his anxiety. His back knocking over a tray of tools onto the floor as Doc yelled at him for it. Lion snarled something back before Doc straight up punched him. 

Lion's eyes water as his nose hurt as blood  ran down his face onto the floor. He heard Doc's heavy breathing  as the man seemed to realize what he had done. His fist still raised and ready for another blow as blood laid spackled on the latex glove while his other hand held Lion's shirt.

Lion then roughly pushed Doc away from him as he began to swiftly walk to the door. That's when he heard Doc stammer for a moment before getting out, 

"Lion, wait. I'm…" Lion cut him off. 

"What you're sorry. Go fuck yourself with your apologies. The damages are already done, besides.. . I quit." Lion spat out as he shook. 

" Lion you don't mean.. " Doc began as Lion roared out 

"You don't know that. You don't even fucken notice what the others are doing or saying. Ever since you showed signs you didn't like me and then told them why you didn't, they have treated me like shit. Just go in my fucken room for proof if you don't believe me. Heh. " Lion took a breath before looking at Doc with tear filled eyes as uttered "And you call me a real piece of work" 

Lion then stormed out as he grabbed a resignation form. He just wrote in blood: I QUIT! - LION. before slamming it into a recruits chest as he exited the building. Him not stopping for anyone as he shook worse. Lion then broke into a sprint, ignoring the pain in his side as he ran from the military base to the city streets. No one followed. 

Doc was left shaken after what Lion had said to him. He was still in shock he had even punched the man. It didn't even feel like what he had expected it to be. It felt wrong as he stared at the blood. He quickly peeled them off and threw them away before storming out towards Lion's room. The base is slight commotion it seemed as he got to the door. 

Doc drew in a deep breath and pushed the door open to see the graffiti over the walls, even the ceiling. All things he had muttered under his breath at Lion when Lion had erked him. He then took a step inside, flicking the lights on but only one bulb came on. It's light was dim as Doc made his way to the bathroom, seeing the bloody clothing on the floor. 

He then saw the broken mirror glass on the ground and empty pill bottles near the toilet. Peering in he saw the remains of dissolved pills. Him instantly checking the labels which left him breathless in tears. Antidepressants and anxiety pills of different doses for good and bad days. Plus one was a sleep aid. 

Doc then stood up and stumbled from the bathroom to the main room as he saw a picture torn up on the ground. It was of Lion's son. He was appalled that anyone could have done that. Even he knew that Lion thought the world of his son. Doc quickly grabbed up the pieces and rushed back to the medical bay. Also ignoring everyone else. 

Meanwhile, Lion had holed himself up in a hotel room with a couple of old friends. Whiskey and moonshine. Two sins he never thought would kiss his lips again, but before that; Lion called his ex. 

She sounded concerned as Lion told her that he'll be fine and asked for his son. He talked a bit and mostly listened to his kid's school day. Savoring it as much as he could before the kid had to go to dinner. Lion then told his son goodbye and to give his ex a hug for him before the receiver clicked. Lion then broke open the whiskey bottle and drank greedy. Doc had finished piecing the photo together seeing it was a family picture that included Lion with his son’s mother and stepfather. They all were smiling together as Doc realized ever since Lion arrived to Rainbow Six, he hadn’t smiled once. Especially after meeting Doc and himself jerking his hand away from Lion. He then realized how many times Lion had tried to mend the bridge between them and as Doc shoved him farther away, so did everyone else. That’s when the door opened to IQ who seemed nervous.

“IQ? What is it?” Doc asked half concerned as she looked away nervously. Doc got up, pocketing the picture, and came closer asking the same question. This time, IQ answered.

“We are holding a party in the rec. Room. Thought you would like to join.” She said as Tachanka staggered over, clearly drunk, adding.

“It’s for you. Finally getting rid of the yellow problem.” “What?” Doc inquired, holding that didn’t hold what was implied as IQ responded with,

“He’s talking about Lion resigning from Rainbow Six. He quit in quite a fashion.” “Wrote: I Quit, on a resignation form in blood then bolted from site. Must of wounded his pride finally Doc?” Tachanka slurred out, hugging IQ close to him in joy.

“No.” Doc breathed out in disbelief. He had caused this and to see his teammates partying at someone’s departure. It felt as if that one white mask had stabbed him again. Him remembered Lion screaming to stay with him, holding him, apologizing for not being quick enough again like with… with…. A hand on his shoulder suddenly pulled him from his thoughts as IQ looked worried.

“Doc, What’s the matter? We thought you would be happy? He’s been a pain in your ass since he arrived. Always pestering you. Bringing up sore subjects. Sulking like a child when you point out his stupid mistakes over and over again.” IQ stated as Tachanka praised a here, here which Smoke responded too further down the hall. Doc just shook his head, angry at himself. For all his smarts, skill and compassion; he was a blind fool to think Lion was ever trying to provoke him. He then remembered Lion throwing it in his face that this wasn’t the first time he had stitched himself up, alone, in a trashed room. Doc should've noticed the man’s unhappiness growing. He had noted less of Lion’s presence in high traffic area and only located him in more hidden areas of the base. Lion had started eating less, seemed less rested and began tripping up more on missions; if that was even the case. Doc remembered his medical file mention depression,but never confirmed it. He then realized the more he pushed Lion away, the more loner Lion got. Doc then felt hot tears running down his face.

IQ looked confused as Tachanka tried to grab him, but Doc quickly bolted away and out a side door. Him running through the halls, into the outside world as he quickly left site. He didn’t know where he was running to, but all he knew was that he had to find Lion. His mind scrambling to think like Lion might as he ran into the city street, nearly getting hit by a car before he made it to the next sidewalk.

Lion now sat on the bathtub ledge, looking at his side. He couldn’t feel it anymore as his mind swam. Doc’s words over the stitch job echoing in his head. They stung the worst as Lion knew Doc to be the most compassionate man he ever met. Willing to do whatever it took to save everyone, even at the cost of himself. A humanitarian or so he believed. Yet when it came to him, all Doc ever seemed to do was tear him down over one stupid event. Even he hated himself for it, because if he had just been quick enough; it never would of happened.

Doc would have never had to see his best friend shoot herself to escape a long and agonizing death. If he had gotten to the containment room in time, but he was so worried about keeping quarantine from a survivable virus; he let 16 other people died from an incurable one. He could recall all their names by heart. All those years, he wished he go back in time and change it or at least make the only causality himself. Lion then torn out the stitches, not wanting to feel this pain anymore. His screams echoing the building.

Doc was growing desperate, knowing Lion couldn’t have made it far as he saw an ambulance rush by and turn quickly into a hotel parking lot. Doc then booked it, running inside, hearing the room numbers he needed and rushed up the flight of stairs to a hallway filled with people. They all were looking at a single door almost in fear as Doc rushed to it and broke it down within a minute. Him ordering people to stay out of the room.

Lion just laid on the floor, bleeding as he shook from adrenaline. The bottle clinking against his teeth as he gulped down the clear liquid. The liquid burned his mouth as he hiccuped a bit. He then heard the door break down and swear he heard Doc yelling before a blurred figure rushed in, yelling his actual name. Lion hiccuped again, as the figure appeared in the doorway of the bathroom looking like he had just been in a hurricane.

“Doc?” Lion slurred out in disbelief before laughing which turned to soft sobs, “I must of died and gone to hell if you’re here… Of course the devil would make himself look like you. Make my hell look like the place where I killed myself. To remind me of my failure as a believer. Well what are you waiting for Satan, just get on with it already. Not like you could top what I been through already.” Doc felt his heart drop at the sight of Lion and just hearing the man say that hurt so much as he stepped into the bathroom. Doc carefully lowered himself down and saw the pool of blood on the floor as he heard the EMTS arrive. He hollered for them ashe grabbed up a towel and began to apply pressure to Lion’s side. The no response causing Doc to freeze for the first time in a while as an EMT took over what he was doing. Him only moving away to not hinder their job as he silently panicked to the side.

Lion was hospitalized as Doc stayed with him. He knew part of this was his fault, as Six came in to talk to him in private. Doc explaining everything as Six chewed his ass from the high heaven to the depths of Hell. Many operators if not all, recieved the same treatment as Lion was spared it. Six still scoulding him harshly, and telling him if he really wanted to quit; sign the forms properly. Doc’s chest tightening when he saw Lion doing just that as he rushed in, snathcing the papers away.

“The hell Doc? Hand me those back. I said I quit.” Lion snarled reaching for them  as he shift to get up.

“No, and stay in bed. You need to rest.” Doc said as pushed Lion firmly back down as Lion just curled over on his side, refusing to look at Doc.

“Fine, I will just ask Six for another one.” Lion said, rather tired as Doc felt his anger swell up again, but instead of going off; Doc muttered out.

“I’m sorry Lion, I was wrong about you. You came to Rainbow Six, knowing I was here and hoping to mend our past. All I ever did was shut you out and mark you as a target for the others to pick on. I was so stupid and blinded by my own rage and hatried, that I forgot you were a human being too. I even ignored the signs that something was wrong, knowing you wouldn’t say a word about it… I…” Doc didn’t know what else to say as he read Lion’s reason for resigning I’m just a burden to the team. You’re better off without me. Doc then just placed the papers back on Lion’s bed as he began to walk out. He only stopped when he heard Lion’s voice call his name.

“Hey Doc, want to know the worst thing in all of this. Heh. I still forgive you. I still forgive you despite you making me not want to exist.” Lion said as his voice cracked with soft sobs and off laughter. Doc took a step to leave, but stopped and returned to Lion’s bed side. Doc sitting down in a chair next to the bed as he stared at the wall while the heart monitor beeped steadily.

“I know this is a long stretch Lion, but could we start over. Please. I know I fucked up and blamed you for shit that makes perfect sense. That I have been hypocritical with you and frankly unfair in treatment, but I just want a chance to make things right. Like you did.” Doc pleaded “I understand if you..”

“Okay… Just give me a few days? I need some space to think and regroup myself, because of…. Well, you know.” Lion said trying to stop crying as Doc nodded.

“I”ll take care of them for you. Just let me know who and… heh.” Doc replied as Lion chuckled before gasping in pain. Him waving Doc off as he moved back to his side.

“Not very humanitarian of you.” Lion teased softly as he tried to focus on breath as Doc chuckled.

“I learned that sometimes you need a firm hand to deal with certain dilemmas” Doc hissed back as Lion asked playfully

“Who taught you that?” “The very best.” Doc said, adding in “You” Lion suddenly smiled as Doc rumbled with laughter as he got up and said goodbye. Lion handing him the resignation forms to be burnt as Doc nodded and left. Lion then sighed, knowing it was going to be hard to come back after this but hoped Doc meant what he had said. Lion soon drifted back off as Doc returned to a quiet base as he checked the medical bay for anyone in need. Since no one was there, Doc headed down to Lion’s room to see it had been repainted, cleaned and re-organized. Doc then pulled out the photo he had saved and pinned it to the new corkboard. Hoping Lion would see it as his promise.

[renee-writer]

Alone Chapter 50 Birth Day

Her hands go to her heaving stomach. It is tight with the tightness spreading up and behind. It completely stills her, the pain. She can't talk, can't move, can barely breath. Oh boy. When it eases, allowing her to catch her breath, she calls out for Mike.

“Rae what?” Willow arrives first. Something in her face must have gave her away. “Oh, it is time?”

“Yes. I have only had one pain but it almost put me on my knees. Where's Mike?”

“Out fishing.”

“Oh crap. That's right.”

“Should I go get him?”

“Yes. And hurry.” She start to turn and Rae grabs her hand. “Oh here it comes again!” Willow holds tight to her and lets her do the same, as she breaths through the pain. After, she runs up to the hidden stairs and up. She sprints across the beach in the moonlight.

Rae tries to walk between contractions. Melody lays asleep so she tries to be quiet but a small scream/moan escapes. Melody wakes with a start.

“Mama?” She can't answer her. She can hardly draw a breath to breath as the pain reaches it's crest. Melody comes up to her, her footed pajama steps echo in the quiet. “Mama, what's wrong?” A few seconds later, she is able to answer.

“Just Genesis is coming baby. It is hard work. Remember us telling you about it?”

“Yah Aunt Willow said it is really painful. It hurt you mama?”

“Yes, but worth it.”

“Rae!” Mike runs in. Willow follows carrying a string of fish.

“Daddy, the baby is coming!” an excited Melody informs him.

“I know sweetie. Since you are awake, will you help Aunt Willow with the fish?”

“Ugg, I guess.” Willow leads her out.

“You know,” a deep breath as the pain starts back up. “She,” another pause as it builds across her,” hates cleaning~ fish.” No more can be said as her entire focus goes to riding out the power of the pain. She feels his hands hold his but can't speak in words. She just clings to him, a port in the storm raging through her.

When it releases her and she can draw a deep breath, he answers. “I know but I wanted to get a measure of how far into labor you are. That means checking.”

“Right. I pray these are doing something.” He lays her down, helps her out of her pants. He then thoughly washes his hands, up to his elbows. He pulls on surgical gloves and gently probes her opening.

“They are. You are at four almost five cms.”

“Thank God. Is she in the right position?” His gentle hands move pver her.

“Yes she or he is. I feel the head here.” He presses down on her lower abdomen. “Perfectly positioned.”

“Good. Oh here we go again.” His hand goes to her abdomen. The other rests against her leg. He watches her vagina react to the contraction as he encourages her.

She slips her shirt and bra off, finding them to confining. He helps her into a robe. They start to walk around.

“All okay?” Willow asks as her and Melody come back in.

“Yes. She is at five. Halfway there and the baby is in position.”

“Excellent.” Her own hand goes to her own baby bump. She is almost seven months and watching her friend in labor is a bit frightening.

“Yes. It is wonderful.” Rae growls out as the pain starts back up again. “God damn it!” Melody’s eyes get huge.

“Willow can you?” Mike gestures to a stunned Melody.

“Yes.” She tries to lead her out.

“No! I want to stay. Help mama with the pain.” She runs over to Rae and lays her hand on her belly. “It is okay. It will be okay.” She starts rubbing her hard as stone, belly. Rae touches her hair with affection.

After it eases up, she tells her, “ You can stay, darling. But understand, I will say and to some things that might be upsetting. It isn’t me, it is the pain.”

“I understand.”

She does scream, curse, and threaten every men she has ever known as the contractions get closer together.

“Eight cms.” Mike announces a few hours and an eternity later.

“Thank God.” Rae replies. She lays on the bed with Melody beside her. She lays there and rubs, pats, and even talks to her mama's belly.

“Genesis almost here?” She sleepily asks.

“Yes love. But the next hour or so is going to be really hard on mama.”

“Harder then before?”

“Oh f~ freak! “ she just manages to edit herself as the next contraction grips her.”

“Yes.” Mike unnecessarily answers.

“Almost there Rae. You got this. You are strong.” Willow cheers as she takes her hand. Melody comes awake and just leans against her mama, instinctley knowing not to touch her belly.

“I love you mama.”

“Push baby.” Thirty minutes and twenty tearing and wrenching contractions later, she is finally fully dilated. Mike is between her legs. Willow supports her from behind. Melody sits beside her.

“Uggg,” She presses hard as she can.

“Good. Just like that.”

Fifteen minutes later.

“The head is almost out. Good. A bit more. Okay pant love so I can clean out the mouth and nose.” She does, panting like a thirsty dog as Mike cleans out his son or daughter's mouth.

“Good job Rae! Good you are a strong woman.” Willow says. Melody strokes her hair as she continues to pant.

“Okay baby. Let’s get our child born.” She finds the rest of her strength and bears down once more. “Good. Shoulders, here comes Genesis.”

He gets quiet and, for a moment, her heart gives a lurch. Is the baby alright? She is unaware that he is just awed. The sight of his son, looking up at him, his soft brown eyes blinking in the first light he has ever seen, is the most incredible thing he has ever seen.

“Hey Mike, all alright?” Willow brings him back to himself.

“Yes sorry. Let me introduce you to our son.” He carefully lays the baby on Rae's chest.

“Son! Oh hi Genesis. Mama loves you so much!”

“Sissy does too but you were mean to mama. You shouldn’t do that.” Melody scolds her baby brother. Rae laughs as tears of relief and joy run down her face.