#how the hell am i supposed to function until the next episode?!

[coolboxofcandy]

Isami. Let's save the world together.

[starr-fall-knight-rise]

Humans are Space Orcs, “Revelation.”

This needed to be done. I know I went a different direction than a lot of you were expecting, but I thought it was best. If you want my reasoning for anything I will be happy to answer. 

It took him a second to figure out what was going on. Ramirez let him go and stepped back his dark amber eyes crinkled with concern. Turning his head to look around the rest of the room, he saw the others, Sunny, Krill, Katie, Three adaptids, Maverick, Jackie, Narobi, and his dog all staring at him with expressions of concern and frustration.

Krill stepped forward to say something, but as the little creature was doing so, he felt something as his mind and body finally caught up with each other. Heat rushed into his face and head as he was overcome with near blinding rage.

He stepped away from Ramirez, chest beginning to rise and fall heavily. He felt his face contort as his skin reddened with blood. His hands clenched so hard his knuckles turned white. He was so mad he could barely think. How dare they invade his privacy like this, go into his room and search through his things, and then confront him.

He wanted to scream at them, to throw things to march across the room and grab one of them by the throat.

But he was too angry even for that.

The rational part of his mind, which was barely functioning at the moment gave him one more option.

He turned on his heel and marched right out the door. A red hue had taken up his vision encroaching in from the darkness bleeding into silhouettes. He felt like his arms begin to tingle. His body was too light as adrenaline rushed through him. His head was light, his legs were light.

Footsteps behind him, “Adam!”

No, he knew what would happen if they caught up, and he was at least rational enough to avoid that. He sped up his pace listening to the footsteps behind him, they sped up to, and he broke into a flat sprint.

No one could keep up with him in a sprint, the repurposed steel-eye prosthetic he wore would make sure of that. The only two people that had a hope of catching him were Maverick and Rmirez, and even they couldn’t match high performance machinery. 

He raced through the ship leaving the people he passed barely enough time to register he was there before he was gone again. He burst out into the cargo bay and pelted down the ramp. He ran as hard as he could as fast as he could until he could barely breathe and then skidded to a halt.

He had made it to the side of the launch feild, where there was nothing more than grassy knolls and distant electric fences to keep prying eyes away. No one was here and the closest figures were merely back dots moving about the tarmac  He paused here pacing one way and then the other. His hands shook.

WIth no relief he turned his head back and screamed, ripping the cap off his head and throwing it to the ground as he sunk to his knees on the grass and dirt. His uniform pants were likely to get stained, but he didn’t care.

Moving from angry to despondent, he stared out at the launch field as tiny black silhouettes crawled across it like ants on a nest. The Sun was growing low behind him casting his shadow long over the grassy knoll. 

A shadow appeared  distantly, and he watched it as it snaked its way up the tarmack turning towards him. He flipped up his eyepatch to get a better look zooming in on the figure.

Waffles zig-zagged over the tarmac, her nose twitching as she snuffled at the ground, her tail in a low wag her ears back.

Surprisingly he felt a smile tug at the corner of his mouth. 

She continued to follow her nose lifting it on occasion until she saw him silhouetted against the sky and ran towards him pausing a few feet away. He frowned watching as she tucked her tail so far between her legs that it was touching the underside of her belly. Her ears were back as she approached him, her nose still twitching ears flat against her head.

What was wrong with her?

She scooted forward some more crawling onto his knees and pressing her snout against him like she was supposed to do when he was having an attack. 

She must be malfunctioning, he was fine

He pushed her off, but she returned hesitantly a moment later trying so hard to get him to respond.

“I’m fine dumb dog.” He snarled pushing her away again.

Her big dark eyes didn’t understand. She was just trying to do her job.. 

She was worried.

He tried keeping her away, but ever time he moved, or pushed her away shed come right back behaving how she was taught when responding to significant mental distress. He tried scooting back, but she followed him forward eventually growing frustrated herself and using the last thing in her arsenal she had.

She crawled on top of him and then just lay down flat on his chest pinning him to the ground chin resting on his neck.

He could have pushed her off, but lying there in the grass staring up at the blue sky he was slowly coming to a realization. The dog whimpered from where she lay against him, her ears still flat against her head.

Dogs didn’t lie.

They couldn’t.

And she was acting like he was having a serious episode. He didn’t feel like he was but, then again what was he doing here lying in the grass after running away from his ship. The anger faded, replaced with guilt, first guilt for treating her so poorly, thinking about how hard she was working and how ungrateful he was being made his eyes tingle with moisture. 

“I’m sorry girl.” he whispered, stroking her ears, running his hands through the fur on the side of her neck, “I’m so sorry.” she whined, “Your not dumb, of course you aren’t. You’re the smartest girl in the galaxy and I’m….I’m the idiot.” He continued to stroke her ears apologizing repeatedly until she started nuzzling at his chest again.

Right, no obsessive thoughts, even if it was to apologize to your own dog who you were being a massive dick to.

He stroked her ears some more and told her she was a good girl instead. Slowlyher tail began to wag beating against his leg, and she stepped off of him letting him sit up, though she imposed herself right before him as he sat.

He continued to stroke his hands through her fur, and she closed her eyes.

“So, thinking about all of this, there was only one option.” He said to her, her tail thumped more at the sound of his voice, “You seem to think I am in significant psychological distress, but I don’t feel like I am, and the conclusion to that only means that I….. well it means you’re right and I’m wrong.”

She snorted as if she agreed.

Her ears had perked back up.

He looked up at the sky closing his eyes as he tried to take a few deep breaths. What did he feel?

“Well, I am stressed, out of my mind stressed. I don’t think it’s anything big honestly, but it all sort of compounded.” Waffles continued to listen, “Started with the Burg war and putting that suit back on, fucked me up, and it probably wasn’t the best idea.” He looked into her deep brown eyes, “We could have just set up some kind of rocket launcher at the opening and then killed them all without stepping foot inside. I never had to put the suit on.” his voice faded away as he continued to think, “It’s like I feel like I have to do everything because it's better if I die than other people do.” 

She grumbled.

“Yeah I know, doesn't make sense.” She rested her head on his lap as he continued to talk outloud to her, “Why do I feel like I have to save the universe single handedly. There are thousands of men and women, multiple ships and other captains who can help do all of these things .” He glanced down at the dog again, “I may be the fleet commander which by default makes all the things I said earlier true, but…. I keep trying to do everything myself. It’s not physically possible, and I know that.”

He listened to the sound of jets roaring overhead, “And while I’m at it, I blame myself for everything too. Took a freaky ass ghost or whatever the hell to tell me to knock that the fuck off. What else do I blame myself for?”

He sat there thinking for a long time waffles listening intently with her head cocked.

“I need to change things. I need a structure I can rely on so that I can do my job better, and everyone else has a chance to do their job too. I need people who are smarter than me to advise decisions and workout problems because next thing you know I’ll be trying to fix the ship myself, and that would be a disaster.”

The dog’s tongue lolled from her mouth as she panted. 

That was good, she only did that if she was relaxed.

“And I’m still not alright. I’m stressed and my PTSD is returning, but I think that has more to to with the stress than the PTSD itself. I got over the war years ago, and I can be over the cannibal if Iwan’t. I SHOULD be over the prison thing, and it isn’t my fault that someone took my DNA to create an entire herd of hybrids….. I will help them, but that doesn't mean I have to take care of them as much as it hurts me to say that since I still feel responsible.” 

He tapped his feet on the dirt, “I’m close to cracking, and if I crack….”

He stood rubbing his temples. “I need a different perspective, someone who is less emotionally attached than me.”

Waffles fell into step beside him, “No one who is too emotionally invested so that gets rid of Sunny, and Krill for sure. I want someone who can be serious with me without sounding like they are lecturing. Ramirez, Katie, Narobi, and Jackie are out. Conn was never an option. He can read my mind so maybe I’ll talk to him later about what my real problem is, but I think I need some blunt straight to the face advice. A second opinion that’s not afraid to crack down and tell me I’m being an idiot….. I don’t need understanding right now. I need to be told off.”

The dog looked up at him, “And I think I know just the person.”

***

The door to the ship’s chapell hissed open casting light over him as he sat contemplating the books stacked on on the self to the side of him, from where he sat on one of the pews. He reached out and picked the top one up flipping through it absently. 

Waffles lay at his feet napping.

The footsteps behind him paused as the door hissed closed, and then they approached up the aisle.

“How do you think he did it? Walk on water I mean? That would be a cool trick.”

Maverick paused at the end of the pew eyebrow raised, “Are you done with your little tantrum?”

He smiled as he turned to look at her, “Yes, I am done with my tantrum.”

She took a seat at the end of the pew hands clasped on her lap.

“In fact that’s why I came here to talk to you.”

She looked skeptical, “Talk to me or at me.”

He shook his head, “No… I… Waffles helped me realized that you guys are right, I’m not alright, and now I need a place to go from here.”

“Finally.” She grumbled.

He smiled, “Go on let's hear it.”

“You don’t want to do that.”

“Do what.”

“Give me permission to give you one of my lectures.”

He tilted his head, “Your what?”

“I have this habit of coming up with just what exactly I would say to people when I’m going on a run or taking a shower. They are really mean so I usually don’t say them.”

“Go on.”

“Your funeral,” She muttered as she stood, “Your being an idiot, a selfish idiot.” 

That was a good start.

“Everything with you is about me, me, me. I have to save the world, I have to win the battle, I have to get everything done all the time. It's a shitty way to act and it makes the rest of the crew feel like you don’t trust them, and then when we try to help you just blow us off like you can handle it. Which I might not care about so much if you had proven that you CAN handle it. But no you get all heroic and sad like no one understands what it means to worry about the galaxy. Like the rest of us don’t stay up at night wondering if the burg are going to come back, and this time with better weapons. I don’t give a ship about what you do with your free time or how you commander our ship, you can do it in heelies wearing a funny hat if that's what you need to stay relaxed, but right now you're not commanding a ship, you  you….. You know what you really are.”

He waited wide eyed.

“You are a total control freak.”

He blinked not having expected that.

“That’s it. You have to have your hand in absolutely everything don’t you.” he went to open his mouth but she held out a finger, “No, shut up and let me finish. You are a total control freak, yeah you are the Commander but that doesn't mean you control everything. You’re like the president, your job isn’t to control everything, its to veto dumbass ideas and make quick decisions, while everyone else does their job and reports to you on the more important stuff. You behave like a child wanting everything your way all the time, and then when it doesn't you throw a fit and run off to do whatever you want anyway. It makes it hard for the rest of us to work, and we worry about you, a lot. You are a good commander, and I think with some work you could be the best, but you need to figure something out soon because if you crack and go psycho, everyone else is going to suffer for it. We need you commander, but not in the way you think we do.”

She went quiet

He waited.

“I’m done.”

“Ok cool.” he took a deep breath, “First thing’s first. I need to rework our system.

***

He stood nervously at the head of the command deck a notebook in hand. He had tried to do his work on a tablet but found that writing by hand gave him more clarity. He had been up all night working, but not in a bad way, thi felt good, like he was moving towards something. A good portion of the crew had been assembled, most of the upper echelon officers and some of their seconds.

A soft murmuring rose up from the group, and scanning his eyes over them he could see where Sunny stood at the back of the room her arms crossed over her chest. Krill floated beside her with Dr. Katie.

As far as he could tell everyone was here, so he cleared his throat and allowed the room to quiet. They were sitting at the tables in the mess hall, and he tried to just stand in front of them but found he wanted to see their faces, so he stepped up onto the bench to get a better look.

“Alright everyone, quiet down. Now the sooner we get this over with the sooner I can have a nap.”

Half chuckle form the crowd.

“It has come to my attention recently that this crew needs a bit of an…. Administrative overhaul. We are a mess, and that is mostly…. Well no it is entirely my fault, and I know a lot of what I am going to say is probably a no brainer for most of you, but just bare with me for a few minutes.” He adjusted his notes, “I haven't been trusting you with your own work, and I am sorry for that. As you can probably tell, I have an issue with thinking things through before I do them, but that is something I will be working on.” He turned to look at them, “So what I have done, and what I should have done a long time ago is give the department heads complete charge of their departments.”

The group shifted, “That means all requisitions, staffing, internal problems, all of those will be covered by the department head. I don’t want to know about it unless there is a problem that only I can fix. So If you are missing equipment take it to the quartermasters and their requisitions office,and they, not me, will determine if we have it in our budget.” he turned to the chief quartermaster, “I am honestly putting the most work on you, because I am expecting that you acquire all the equipment this ship needs to keep running including food, ammunition and spare parts. You’ll have to work closely with engineering in order to get all of that done. I want all the departments speaking closely with each other. 

He lifted his head and looked back at Sunny, “Sunny.”

He lifted her head.

“As chief weapons specialist and one of our experts on close combat. I will be giving control over to you on battlefield tactics. That’s what Drev generals do isn’t it?”

SHe seemed surprised.

He turned to look at cannon, “Cannon the Drev clan’s needs are yours, I need you to make sure you guys have everything you need. If there are disputes, you determine how to settle them.”

He sighed, “I do expect full reports from each of the department heads where you will make it clear if there is anything you need me to do, but otherwise, this ship needs to be able to function without me sticking my nose in everyone’s business. If I do, you have full permission to tell me to fuck rite off. Though as commander I reserve the right to Veto any decision you make if I think it will be detrimental to the ship or two the mission, furthermore, there are a lot of people in this room much smarter than me, so I am going to use that, and i am putting together a council of sorts, kind of like the jedi council, and you are going to help me make decisions. I need all of your knowledge and perspective if I want to lead this ship correctly or even the fleet?”

There was a surprised muttering in the crowd.

“Now we will be on leave for the next few months, which give you time to think on this project a little if you are worried, but I have a feeling you guys can handle it alright. Anyway, get on out of her, go home, and make sure to get those psych evals and physicals sent to dr Krill in a timely fashion.” He looked over at the doctor, “You will be in charge of determining who is and is not ready for active duty, also I will be hiring a few new hands as an attachment to the medical department. We need to expand psych, get a real psychiatrist for how crazy you all are.” He smiled as the group chuckled, and he stepped down from his chair.

The room slowly emptied leaving only a few people left…. The same people for earlier.

Sunny was still quiet and Dr. katie had her arms crossed.

He sighed and walked forward, “I’m sorry about earlier.” he said to them.

“You should be?”

“And what about getting yourself help?” 

He turned to glance at Maverick, “I had a discussion with Mav earlier, because i thought she would be the most brutally honest with me…. She was. I will be doing a psych eval, but towards the end of leave.”

More frowning.

“I won’t be seeing a psychiatrist.” he raised his hands as the group began to mutter, “No it's alright, I've thought it through, and I have determined that for me it isn’t the best course of action. Medication has never been for me either. I know it's helpful for most people, but I just need to relax, clear my head and find a way to relieve stress. So, I’m going home for a few months.”

They still seemed skeptical, but they relaxed enough not to argue.

Ramirez seemed the first person to accept his apology and smiled, “Well good luck commander.”

A few other murmurs rose up from his friends.

He looked at Sunny, “I promise, when I get bac. I will be better, and I will do better.”  

“

[tsarisfanfiction]

2020: A [Fandom] Summary

2020 was a pretty rotten year, let’s face it, so now I’m safely away from it for good I’m stealing something @gumnut-logic​ mentioned to me and summarising all the things I managed to make this year!  Let’s start 2021 on a nice positive note... look at all the things I managed to do in the world of fandom!

FANFICTION:

In 2020...

I published 69 works, 66 of which are complete - all for Thunderbirds Are Go

Which came to a total of 268,863 words (Tumblr-only scenes and short stories came to a further 29,764 words which put my grand total up to 298,627!)

My most popular fic on tumblr was Out Patience with 60 notes (wow!!)

My most kudos’d fic on AO3 was Bedtme (Should Not Be 4am) with 62 kudos!

My most favourited fic on FFN was Grounded with 13 favourites!

My longest fic was Long Way From Home, which is incomplete but on 30,902 words published so far (longest complete fic was Grounded on 21,100 words)

(I have not included Tales From The Heart as everything that was posted this year on my blog was written and archived on AO3/FFN in 2017-2019)

FANART:

In 2020...

I posted 12 completed drawings, across 6 fandoms (and across 3 blogs...) - Bleach, D.Gray-Man, Marchen Awakens Romance, Naruto, One Piece and Thunderbirds Are Go

My most popular was “Return of the Dragon” with 114 notes (over a hundred!!! How???)

In conclusion, Tsari has been one very busy bee this year!  Links to everything are below the cut if anyone’s looking for a refresher, or thinks they missed something!

And because I am only human and love validation - if you have a favourite thing I’ve written (or drawn) this year, tell me what it is!  Can just be the  name (although if you want to tell me why that would make my night, I can’t lie), I’d just love to know what people particularly loved :D

COMPLETED WORKS:

Phobos John looks at his brothers, and worries. Rated: Gen/K+.  Family.  John, Scott Words: 1k; published January 2020

Treasured Family Scott’s day hadn’t gone well, and was about to get worse. John doesn’t care for that, and Alan makes a good accomplice.  Episode tag: 3.22 Rated: Gen/K+.  Family.  John, Scott, Alan, Gordon Words: 2k; multichap - completed January 2020

Wax and Feathers Sometimes limits need to be broken. But a limit is there for a reason, and breaking them has consequences.  Episode tag: 3.20 Rated: Gen/K+.  Family.  Scott, Gordon, Virgil Words: 4k; published February 2020

Hero They say you should never meet your heroes. Failure to comply may result in getting tongue-tied, or a failure of the brain to mouth filter.  Episode tag: 3.24 Rated: Gen/K.  Friendship.  Outsider PoV, Scott Words: 1k; published February 2020

Fall He’s not there, until he is.  Episode tag: 3.25 Rated: Teen.  Angst/Hurt/Comfort.  Scott, Jeff Words: 900; published February 2020

Bedtime (Should Not Be 4am) The first night home should be relaxing, but for Jeff it’s anything but as he readjusts to being back on Earth, and five sons who’ve grown up without him. Episode tag: 3.25/26 Rated: Gen/K+.  Family.  Jeff, Gordon, Scott, John Words: 3k; published February 2020

Blank Slate Jeff finds that there’s one relationship he can build from scratch.  Episode tag: 3.25/26 Rated: Gen/K.  Friendship.  Jeff, The Mechanic Words: 1k; published February 2020

Apple Juice How hard is it to get a drink?  Harder when younger brothers insist on interfering. Rated: Gen/K+.  Family.  Scott, Virgil, Tracy brothers Words: 1k; published February 2020

Firelight For Buddy and Ellie, camping is a beautiful way to live. Rated: Gen/K.  Romance.  Buddy, Ellie Words: 500; published March 2020

An Important Part John’s care packages sometimes contain a very special box. Rated: Gen/K.  Family.  John, Tracy brothers Words: 1k; published March 2020 

Grape Juice or Wine A function that serves alcohol and a teenage brother. Just what Scott needed. Rated: Gen/K.  Family.  Scott, Alan Words: 700; published April 2020

Chess Master Gordon has a prized possession. Rated: Gen/K.  Family.  Gordon, John, Tracy brothers Words: 700; published April 2020

Heroes Made of Gas A spaceman and his stars. Rated: Gen/K.  Family.  John, Jeff Words: 700; published April 2020

Caretaker Scott’s week from hell couldn’t just finish without throwing him a final twist. Rated: Gen/K+.  Hurt/Comfort/Family.  Scott, Tracy brothers Words: 1k; published April 2020

Riding the Dragon | Return of the Dragon Part 1: Scott was excited, and John was not, but who really got the last laugh? Part 2: Ten years later they’re back, and this time Alan’s up for the challenge. John isn’t about to let Scott forget about their last adventure, though. Rated: Gen/K.  Family.  Scott, John, Alan, Tracy brothers Words: 4k; multichap - completed April 2020

Fresh Air When the standard methods of dealing with Scott don’t work, Virgil has to resort to something a little more creative. Rated: Gen/K.  Hurt/Comfort/Family.  Virgil, Scott Words: 2k; published April 2020

Unexpected When it came to the next generation, Scott didn’t think it would happen quite like this. Rated: Gen/K+.  Family.  Scott, John, Gordon, EOS Words: 1k; published April 2020

Awe The Shelbys were probably expecting a certain beautiful Lady when Gordon asked to bring a plus one, not an older brother. Rated: Gen/K.  Family.  Virgil, Gordon Words: 1k; published April 2020

Thrill Seeker “Launching a rocket into space most days not enough of an adrenaline kick for you, kid?” Rated: Gen/K.  Family.  Alan, Grandma, John Words: 1k; published April 2020

The Tale of Scotty-Bear When Lee Taylor bought a bog-standard teddy bear for his best friend’s baby, he probably didn’t expect it to be quite so popular. Rated: Gen/K.  Family.  Scott, Tracy brothers Words: 1k; published April 2020

I Just Can’t Wait To Be Free When Scott gets stuck, Gordon’s the only one around - too bad he can’t stop laughing. Rated: Gen/K.  Family.  Gordon, Scott Words: 1k; published April 2020

Splatter Scott was going to regret leaving him to handle Gordon alone, especially when paint got involved. Rated: Gen/K.  Family.  Virgil, Gordon, Scott Words: 2k; published April 2020

Revenge (Should Be Piping Hot) The only aspect of his appearance Virgil cared about was his hair. Rated: Gen/K.  Family.  Virgil, Scott, Tracy brothers Words: 1k; published May 2020 

The Rules of Engagement Even acts of immaturity between brothers have to follow rules. Rated: Gen/K.  Family.  Scott, John, Virgil, Gordon, Alan Words: 1k; published May 2020

Night At The Opera Surely an invitation to the opera was better suited for Virgil? Or one of his other brothers? No? Okay, then. Wait, what do you mean he had to wear a suit? Rated: Gen/K+.  Friendship/Family.  Scott, Lady Penelope, Parker, Tracy family Words: 10k; published May 2020

Nothing See: Was space supposed to be this dark? A mission to rescue the crew of a freighter goes horribly wrong. Rated: Teen.  Hurt/Comfort/Angst.  Scott, Tracy Family Words: 8k; multichap - completed June 2020

Strays Her Ladyship collects strays. Rated: Gen/K.  Friendship.  Parker, Penelope, John, Gordon Words: 1k; published June 2020

Pulse Touch: Earthquakes suck. Badly. Especially when you’re still in an unstable building when the world crashes down. Rated: Teen.  Hurt/Comfort/Angst.  Scott, Gordon, Tracy Family Words: 11k; multichap - completed June 2020

Melt Smell: Snowy rescues are always the worst. Always. Rated: Teen.  Hurt/Comfort/Angst.  Scott, Virgil, Gordon, Tracy Family Words: 11k; multichap - completed June 2020

Silent Taste: They say you should ask for help when you need it, but what can you do except suffer in silence when asking for help will destroy your family? Rated: Teen.  Hurt/Comfort/Angst.  Scott, Tracy Family Words: 12k; multichap - completed June 2020

Tremor Hear: Not everyone worships the ground International Rescue walk on. Rated: Mature.  Hurt/Comfort/Angst.  Scott, Hood, Tracy Family Words: 14k; multichap - completed July 2020

Hollow Sixth Sense: Two teenagers and a night hike in the middle of nowhere is a recipe for disaster. When trouble strikes the clock starts ticking, but there’s no International Rescue around to pull off a miracle. Rated: Teen.  Hurt/Comfort/Angst.  Scott, John, Jeff, Tracy Family Words: 11k; multichap - completed July 2020 

The Six Foot Club Outgrowing Gordon was an inevitability, but Alan hadn’t given much thought about the respective heights of his other brothers. Rated: Gen/K.  Family.  Alan, Virgil, Gordon Words: 800; published July 2020  

Out Patience There are three Tracys in the hospital and only one of them should be out of bed. Rated: Gen.  Family.  Alan, Scott, Virgil Words: 4k; published July 2020

Grounded Scott didn’t enjoy the trash mine rescue at all, but he enjoyed the consequences of it even less.  Episode tag: 3.22/23 Rated: Teen.  Hurt/Comfort/Family.  Scott, Tracy Family Words: 21k; multichap - completed July 2020

Human Scott needs to stop taking his helmet off first chance he gets - one day, his luck will run out. Rated: Teen.  Hurt/Comfort/Family.  Gordon, Scott, Grandma Words: 4k; published August 2020

Not Alone John makes a miscalculation with unexpected consequences. Rated: Gen.  Family/Friendship.  John, Scott, EOS Words: 4k; published August 2020

Cracks Under The Surface History likes to repeat itself and the human brain likes to find patterns. Rated: Teen.  Hurt/Comfort/Family.  Scott, Jeff, Virgil Words: 4k; published August 2020

Divided, United Waking up bound in a dark room is never good news, but the absence of the brother he saw shot in front of him just makes it worse. Rated: Teen.  Angst/Hurt/Comfort.  Scott, Virgil, John Words: 6k; published August 2020

For A Brother When it came to protecting family, there were no limits. Rated: Teen.  Angst/Hurt/Comfort.  Virgil, Scott, Kayo, John Words: 7k; published August 2020

The Only Course of Action John’s job is to watch and listen, but sometimes he’s also the last resort. Rated: Teen.  Angst/Hurt/Comfort.  John, Scott Words: 4k; published August 2020

Noise Was that racket supposed to be blaring from their comms?  Alan hoped not. Rated: Gen/K.  Family.  Alan, Virgil, Tracy brothers, Kayo Words: 1k; published August 2020

His Collection The Hood knows what he wants, and will stop at nothing to get it.  International Rescue have other ideas. Rated: Teen.  Humour.  Hood, Scott, Virgil Words: 1k; published August 2020

3am A desire for water in the early hours of the morning leads Sally Tracy to a revelation. Rated: Gen/K.  Family.  Grandma, Scott, John Words: 600; published November 2020

Liminal After the rain comes the sun, but there’s a special moment in between. Rated: Gen/K.  Friendship.  Parker, Scott Words: 1k; published November 2020

One More Stuffed Toy The arcade is loud and chaotic, but John doesn’t care, because his brothers are with him. Rated: Gen/K.  Family.  John, Tracy Brothers Words: 1k; published November 2020

After Sundown Scott didn’t let Alan help with the big things, but he didn’t say no to the small things. Rated: Gen/K.  Family.  Alan, Grandma, Scott Words: 1k; published November 2020

Same Old Song and Dance Dealing with a sick Scott was a challenge that Virgil had honed into an art. Rated: Gen/K.  Family.  Virgil, Scott Words: 1k; published November 2020

First Time It should be Dad, but it’s John instead and he wouldn’t change it for anything. Rated: Gen/K.  Family.  John, Alan Words: 800; published November 2020

At The End of The Day After a long, tiring rescue, Virgil just wanted coffee, a shower, and his bed. Gordon had a better idea. Rated: Gen/K.  Family.  Virgil, Gordon, Scott Words: 1k; published November 2020

Deserving Who looked at the world and said “this deserves to be saved?”  A family of youngsters who’d lost too much already. Rated: Gen/K.  Family/Friendship.  Colonel Casey, Tracy Family Words: 800; published November 2020

His Sons Jeff had been gone eight years.  He’d missed his sons growing up into young men, but that didn’t mean they weren’t still the same boys he’d left behind. Rated: Gen/K.  Family.  Jeff, Tracy Brothers Words: 900; published November 2020

Faulty It was supposed to be a pleasant, quiet evening.  Then the multilingual tirade started in the kitchen. Rated: Gen/K.  Family.  Virgil, John, Tracy Brothers Words: 1k; published November 2020

Indescribable The sky is blue, the grass is green, Scott Tracy is a big brother. Rated: Gen/K.  Family.  Scott Words: 700; published November 2020

Simple Success Any success is worth celebrating, even if it isn’t one of the biggest, most impressive feats in IR history. Rated: Gen/K.  Family.  Scott, Tracy Family Words: 1k; published November 2020

It Calls Me Scott was born to fly. Rated: Gen/K.  Family.  Scott Words: 700; published November 2020

Words Not Said (But Still Heard) Gordon didn’t remember much about his time in the hospital, but he remembered the song. Rated: Gen/K.  Family/Hurt/Comfort.  Gordon, Scott Words: 1k; published November 2020

Unexpected, Not Unwanted It might not have been her intention to end up with five sons, but that didn’t mean she loved them any less. Rated: Gen/K.  Family.  Lucille, Tracy Family Words; 1k; published November 2020

Snap There was a whole mountain of paperwork, but a certain annoying younger brother refused to leave him in peace long enough for him to get it done. Rated: Gen/K.  Family.  Scott, Gordon Words: 1k; published November 2020

The Box In The Locker Reuniting families is one of the best feelings in the world, especially when one of the ‘family members’ is the child’s best friend. Rated: Gen/K.  Friendship.  Virgil Words: 800; published November 2020

Night Out Gordon learnt two things that night: Scott was an affectionate drunk, and sometimes people throw bar stools for no good reason. Rated: Teen.  Family.  Gordon, Scott Words: 2k; published November 2020

In Your Shadow “Tomorrow, they’re not gonna say ‘that’s Gordon Tracy, the Olympic Champion!’ Tomorrow, they’re gonna say ‘that’s Scott Tracy’s little brother!’, and I’m gonna say ‘damn straight I am.’” Rated: Gen/K+.  Family.  Gordon, Scott Words: 2k; published December 2020

The Sound of Thunder(birds) The sound of a Thunderbird should be a sound of hope and reassurance, but not everyone hears it that way. Rated: Gen/K.  Friendship.  Scott Words: 1k; published December 2020

Too Far It’s not normally Virgil that Scott has to pull up for misconduct.  Episode Tag: 3.06 Rated: Teen/K+.  Hurt/Comfort/Family.  Virgil, Scott Words: 2k; published December 2020

Steady Hands One boat. Two brothers. A life-or-death game of Jenga. Rated: Teen.  Family/Friendship.  Virgil, Gordon, Scott, Chaos Crew Words: 8k; published December 2020

Get Some Sleep, Scott There was no cure for self-destructive idiocy, but Virgil still had a trick - or rather, a last resort - up his sleeve when Scott went too far. It hadn’t failed him yet. Rated: Gen/K.  Family.  Virgil, Scott, Gordon Words: 1k; published December 2020

ONGOING WORKS:

Desert Sands On the way home from a rescue Thunderbird One and Scott disappear from Thunderbird Five’s sensors, leaving International Rescue scrambling to both discover what happened and find them. Rated: Teen.  Hurt/Comfort/Family.  Scott, John, Tracy Family Words: 13k; Chapters: 7/?; updated September 2020

Long Way From Home His brothers are missing. In their place is a family of strangers, the only explanation that makes any sense is beyond comprehension, and the only solution is impossible. Scott Tracy’s never been so far from home. Rated: Teen.  Family/Friendship.  Scott, Tracy Family Words: 30k; Chapters: 7/?; updated November 2020

Toffee Gordon is a lover of many things.  Toffee is not one of them. Rated: Gen/K.  Family.  Gordon, John, Grandma, Scott Words: 8k; Chapters: 4; updated November 2020

TUMBLR-EXCLUSIVE WORKS:

Dream A FabFiveFeb2020 ficlet using the prompts Scott+Dream Characters: Scott - February 2020

Short Snippet An abandoned wip with implied character death Characters: Gordon, Scott - April 2020

Heavy Metal  A short ficlet inspired by the episode of the same name. Characters: Alan, Scott - April 2020

Random Scene   A short scene with dark!John and EOS Characters: Jeff, John, EOS - May 2020

Random Scene   A Thunderbirds/Detective Conan potential idea Characters: Gordon, John, Scott - May 2020

Random Scene   A Thunderbirds/Percy Jackson potential AU Characters: Percy, Gordon - May 2020

Random Prologue  Where Scott ends up in jail for murder Characters: Col. Casey, Scott - July 2020

WIP #46 Scott gets caught in an avalanche. Characters: Virgil, Scott, John, Grandma - November 2020

WIP #47 Scott gets caught in a serious plane crash. Characters: Gordon, Scott, Virgil, Alan, John, Col. Casey - November 2020

WIP #48  The original, and terrible, version of my published work Grape Juice or Wine. Characters: Alan, Tracy Brothers - November 2020

WIP #55   A post-series fic focusing on the aftermath of Jeff’s return home Characters: Jeff, Gordon, Grandma - November 2020

WIP #56  A sequel to my published work Hero. Characters: Neil (OC), Henry, Bee, Scott - November 2020

WIP #59a |  WIP #59b |  WIP #59c  A squabble between brothers results in a whole pile of angst. Characters: Scott, Alan, John, Gordon, Virgil - November 2020

That One Scene | That One Scene #2  Two scenes from a movie rewrite Characters: Jeff, Hood, Scott, Gordon, Virgil, Alan, John - November 2020

Is- Is That My Blood? Scott’s trapped in a cave-in, and there’s too much blood Characters: Scott - November 2020

Random Scene  AU Crime drama-esque scene with canonical character death Characters: Grandma, Scott - December 2020

Random Prologue Where Scott is Not Okay and just wants to go home Characters: Virgil, Scott - December 2020

Crack When a storm gets too intense for Thunderbird One to fly, Scott has to hunker down and wait it out. Characters: Scott - December 2020

Holey Scott There is a hole in Scott where there shouldn’t be Characters: Virgil, Scott - December 2020

FANART:

Dragon!TB1 A dragonified drawing of Thunderbird One, based on a Flight Rising fandragon - January 2020

Return of the Dragon A snapshot moment from my fic of the same name - July 2020

Night Out A snapshot moment from my fic of the same name - November 2020

The Missing Hair Gel An imagining of Scott without any hair gel - December 2020

Six Boys, Six Fandoms A collection of six drawings of six favourite boys from six favourite series! - December 2020

Dragon!TB2 A dragonified drawing of Thunderbird Two, based on a Flight Rising fandragon - December 2020

[steven-falls]

The Strengths of serialization: A Disenchantment analysis

Note: this is a script for a video I’m making. There are some generalised statements in this script, that will be accompanied with visuals in the final video to help specify what I am referring to.

So, Netflix just dropped part 3 of disenchantment, and with the new batch of episodes came a slew of worldbuilding, lore, characterization, laughs, adventures, and Elfo abuse. But, instead of giving an overview of everything that happened in the season (or part) I want to focus on one specific aspect of part 3 and compare this to parts 1 and 2 and that is, the serialisation of Disenchantment.

In television shows, there are two main formats a show can take: A serialized format and an episodic format. A serialized format has continuing storylines that span over the course of the entire season. Think of pretty much every drama show. By contrast, an episodic TV show presents each episode as a self contained story. Meaning you could jump in at any point in the series without needing much prior knowledge to understand what’s happening. This is the format that most animated sitcoms, such as Disenchantment’s contemporaries, The Simpsons and Futurama, went for.

Disenchantment was an interesting case as it seemed to be going for a mix of both serialization and self contained episodes throughout its first two parts, which made up season 1. The first few and last few episodes of both parts 1 and 2 had a serialized format, where the cliffhanger ending of one episode would lead directly into the opening of the next. For example part 2’s opening episode ‘The disenchantress’ ends with Bean walking down a staircase to hell, which is picked straight back up on again in the next episode, aptly titled ‘Staircase to hell’. It’s required that an audience member watches these two episodes in order, otherwise they would be confused by the opening of the latter.

But then the middle episodes of parts 1 and 2 were stand alone episodic adventures, that didn’t always directly tie into each other. For instance, the heist plot of ‘the Dreamland job’ has little to nothing to do with Derrik’s character journey in the following episode, ‘Love’s Slimy Embrace’. So not much would be lost on an audience member who watched these two episodes out of order. The main throughline between them is Lucie buying and owning the bar. But that’s a rather minor element of ‘Love's Slimby embrace’, it’s not like you need an explanation of why Lucie owns the bar to understand what’s happening in that episode.

Where Part 3 really differs from the previous two parts, is that it sticks to a more serilized format for most of its run. Pretty much every episode develops on something meaningful established in prior episodes. For instance, In the first episode of part 3 it’s revealed that Pendegast has been murdered, so the third episode ‘Beanie get your gun’ is spent investigating what happened to him. They find out it’s the priestess, and chase her down in the next episode, which naturally leads into the steam land sega covered in episodes 4 and 5, and then the boat trip back to Dreamland in episode 6. Even when an episode doesn’t end in a cliffhanger, the events that occurred in the previous episode will still be playing on the character’s mind in the next, keeping a constant narrative flow throughout part 3.

Now, I do not believe that serialized Television is inherently better than episodic Television. There are shows that owe their success to their episodic format.

But I think in Disenchantment’s case, serialization fits the tone and scope it’s going for.

Disenchantment is basically a mystery show, Part 3 opens with several overarching mysteries that are investigated over the course of the season, and Bean literally plays detective in two episodes.

Part 2 also presented several mysteries in its opening episodes, like Bean’s heritage and the secret treasure the elfs are looking for. But this became a frustration I had with part 2, as it felt like it was presenting the audience with several tantalising mysteries, but then avoided expanding on them, in favour of more non sequitur adventures. Take the episode ‘the lonely heart is a hunter’ for example. That episode has a subplot about Bean investigating some old runes that are hinted to have a connection to her mother. But this basically leads nowhere as Bean gets scared and gives up on investigating them. We don’t find out anything about them for the rest of part 2, halting that story in its tracks. What the episode chooses to develop instead is the relationship between Zogg and a bear woman named Ursula, a character who has only appeared in this single episode to date. I do actually enjoy this plot line, I think it’s funny and gives Zogg some decent character development. But when the episode prioritises a somewhat frivolous love affair over expanding on the mysteries it’s already set up, it can be frustrating to sit through, because I’m just waiting for them to get back to that mystery.

There are still some instances in part 3 where they bring up an unresolved mystery or plot line but don’t follow up on it straight away. Like it should annoy me that they mention Leaveos quest early in the season, only for it to not develop any further until the last episode.

But it doesn’t, because there’s a narrative excuse for the other character’s to abandon Leaveo and his plot line. They have the more pressing issue of Dagmar to deal with in that moment, and after that I’m so swept up in the murder and betrayl stuff that I don’t mind them leaving Leavo’s plot thread for a little longer.

Another result of part 3 taking a more serialised approach is that it makes meaningful changes to the Disenchantments status quo

After part 1 ended with several series altering cliffhangers, that seemed like it was taking the show in a radically different direction, I was disappointed by how in part 2 everything reverted back to normal by the end of episode 3. Sure, there were a few status quo changes, but for the most part, part 2 still followed Bean, Elfo and Lucie’s shenanigans around Dreamland, not that fundamentally different from part 1.

But this isn’t a criticism I can level at part 3. For one thing there are no episodes of Bean just goofing around drinking, she’s always trying to get somewhere, figure something out, or face some threat to the kingdom. The constant rising urgency prevents the show from feeling as if it’s in some stagnant status quo.

The only time I was in fear of Disenchantment resetting to a status quo was at the beginning of episode 3, ‘Beanie get your gun’, when Derrik reinstates power to Zogg, the towns people don’t care about Bean supposedly being a witch, and Zogg’s forgotten about Odvals and the priestess’s coup attempt

The characters even comment on how weird the situation is.

With Bean and Zogg being reinstated it almost seemed like the whole coup subplot had been entirely pointless, especially as the opening of the episode hinted that Pendergast might not actually have been killed.

But the episode’s ending underlines the lasting impact this coup had, by confirming Pendergast’s death and having the priestess become a fugitive from the kingdom, basically writing out two major supporting characters.

On the subject, Pendergast’s death is the first one in Disenchantment that I was genuinely shocked by. Just because of the show’s willingness to kill off a recurring character without going back on it. They have done similar deaths before, like when Jerry was killed. But Jerry was divorced enough from the main cast and the setting of Dreamland that his absence didn’t feel as noticeable. It’s not like his death bared any repercussions on how Dreamland functioned as a kingdom for example. But Pendergast’s death does, you’re reminded of his absence any time you watch a scene with Zogg losing his mind, or see turbish and Mertz without their commander. Even if Pendergast is somehow brought back later, his death was still felt throughout the whole of this season.

Part 3 of Disenchantment managed to capture my intrigue, by taking its story and characters to interesting new places. My hope for part 4 is that everything part 3 built toward gets a decent payoff. By the end of part 3 most of the plotlines have still been left open ended, with even more opening up and others being teased at. In one case it looks like they might be rehashing an older plotline.

My fear for part 4 is that all these storylines are going to trip over each other. That part four has to juggle so many different plotlines that it’s not going to be able to devote enough time to each of them, making their resolutions feel rushed and underdeveloped.

I think its on part 4 to intertwine all these plot threads, so everything comes together to form one satisfying conclusion. Unless they’re planning on continuing the show after part 4, in which case I hope part 4 is a more streamlined and focused version of part 3.

Speaking of satisfying conclusions… I couldn’t think of one for this video! So let’s end off by discussing three times Disenchantment part 3 referenced 3 other Matt Greoning cartoons.

Starting with the most obvious, the ‘Trip to the moon’ rollercoaster seen in the episode ‘Freak out’ is a reference to the second Futurama episode ‘’The series has landed’, where the planet express crew visit a theme park on the moon. In particular the rollercoaster’s moon face bares resemblance to the mascot crater face. Look, it even has part of the rollercoaster going through its eye, just like how craterface always has a beer bottle shoved through their eye. Which itself is a reference to a silent film from 1920 called ‘A Trip to the moon’. Wait actually maybe the rollercoaster is just supposed to be a reference to that.

Seconally, the joke about the kings servants Vip and Vap living in unlawful cohabitation is a reference to the characters Arkbah and Jeff, who are a gay couple from Matt Groening’s comic, Life in Hell. They also share similar character designs.

And finally, I don’t think this was intentional, but Elfo skating on Dagmars oily back reminded me of Bart Simpson skateboarding. Now try and get that image out of your mind! Good night everybody.

[soveryanon]

Reviewing time for MAG177!

- I like that this season, Martin is ready to accept that they not talk about things for a while but is not allowing it to last forever. Same as with Jon earlier, it’s a mix between waiting for others to open up on their terms, when they’re ready, but not letting the situation fester either:

(MAG166) MARTIN: … Ssso, are we going to talk about it…? ARCHIVIST: [INHALE] MARTIN: Or…? [FOOTSTEPS STOP] [BAG JOSTLING] ARCHIVIST: What’s to talk about. MARTIN: What happened back there? What you did to Sa– … ARCHIVIST: Go on. Say it. MARTIN: … What you did to “that thing”.

(MAG177) MARTIN: … Look, this is ridiculous, Basira, can we please just talk? BASIRA: No. MARTIN: Why not? ARCHIVIST: Martin… MARTIN: [EXASPERATED] No, Jon, enough is enough! It has been hours and not a bloody word! We have been slogging our way through literal nightmares to find you, Basira. There’s been, ‘s been plagues, and wars, and monsters, and I– we’ve been worried sick. It has been awful. […] Christ, I just wanted to talk, that’s all…! BASIRA: So talk! [BAG JOSTLING] MARTIN: I mean stop and talk. […] See, this is exactly the kind of thing that comes up when we talk…! […] O~kay, well, since we’re talking, I, I–I was wondering. I don’t know if, if I missed it, or if you both just assumed that I knew since you knew already but, well, I… BASIRA: Spit it out. MARTIN: What was the deal with Trevor? [A TELEPHONE RINGS IN THE BACKGROUND] Why was he… I mean, I’m not really sure what happened, back there.

It’s interesting that what came spontaneously to Martin’s mind were early bits of the journey: “nightmares” is how Jon had described the domains in MAG163, “plagues” refers to the Corruption village from MAG164, “wars” to the Slaughter Trenches from MAG163 (and “monsters” can cover a lot of things… including Not!Sasha in MAG165). Those were Jon&Martin’s first experiences, and I’m not surprised that they might have shaken Martin in a special way – Martin certainly had a personal fear of the Desolation fire from MAG169, and was personally targeted by the Lonely house in MAG170, but they weren’t the first. They didn’t have that novelty, the discovery of how badly things were out there.

- So far, we had seen Martin not having the codes to understand the new world in contrast to Jon, and relying on Jon to explain things to him. Jon knows about Basira’s circumstances, which once again locked Martin out of the loop; it’s good that Jon has indeed been trying to respect Basira’s privacy (he really showed that he took it into account, as answering Martin would have been easier, and he chose to mention Basira’s situation in only broad strokes), but it’s also understandable that Martin would get so easily frustrated when he’s once again the only one missing the keys and others initially refuse to help him understand until his insistence finally pays off. And even when he tried to change that status quo, he shared some information about Jon’s&his journey, as if inviting Basira to do the same! Part of his frustration might have had to do with dashed hopes, too – Jon had already pointed out, multiple times, that Basira had had it bad, and was still taking that into account:

(MAG164) MARTIN: Is Basira alive? ARCHIVIST: [INHALE] MARTIN: Is she… in… o–one of these places? [STATIC RISES] ARCHIVIST: She’s alive. Out there, not… trapped in a–a hellscape, but… moving. [STATIC DECREASES] Hunting. She’s… she’s looking for Daisy. She’s a few steps behind. […] She… thinks she’s going to kill Daisy. Like she promised. [STATIC DECREASES] But she’s conflicted.

(MAG175) ARCHIVIST: Basira and Daisy. We’re close. MARTIN: Wait, what? Wait, really? B– Th–that’s brilliant! What are we waiting for, let’s go! ARCHIVIST: Uh, y–yeah, i–it’s… It’s not… it’s not going to be easy, things aren’t… good.

(MAG176) MARTIN: How… How are we even gonna approach Basira? [TRILL OF A BIRD] ARCHIVIST: It’s tricky. She’s… [INHALE] She’s had a bad time. MARTIN: [HUFF] I mean… Haven’t we all? ARCHIVIST: No. [TRILL OF A BIRD] No, we haven’t. [SILENCE] MARTIN: … Right. ARCHIVIST: If we approach her directly, she’s likely to bolt. [SQUAWKING OF A BIRD] And she can move a lot quicker than we can.

(MAG177) BASIRA: Can’t have been that bad. MARTIN: I– … What? BASIRA: You look fine to me. MARTIN: [INDIGNANT] Excuse me?! BASIRA: Whole and healthy with a shoulder to lean on every step of the way! MARTIN: Basira… ARCHIVIST: [SOFTLY] Martin. Leave it. Trust me, she’s been through a lot more than we have.

… But Martin had been hoping and trying to improve Things for a while. First, it was through the idea of killing avatars (MAG171: “Jon. We are… doing good, right? Making things better?” / MAG174: “You’re removing evil from the world!”); now, the next hope was to find old familiar faces/allies back… and it’s been another cold shower, although with sprinkles of hope.

(And it is true that so far… Martin&Jon haven’t had the worst fate in this apocalypse. Other avatars can’t touch Jon, and he extends that protection to Martin. Unless you count the whole world as The Eye’s domain, they’re not trapped inside of one like other victims. They’re together, able to have fluffy moments and forms of intimacy, while others are subjected to constant torture. Jon isn’t even hungry anymore or feeling withdrawal symptoms, compared to season 4. They didn’t want that form of privilege, but it is true that they’ve been… mostly fine so far. I’m curious about Jon’s understanding of Basira’s situation: what horrors did she experience on her way? Will she describe them a bit more?)

- I love that Basira’s bitterness immediately came out as an unfair, unwarranted attack… about the fact that Jon&Martin were together. Basira, meanwhile, had been alone, tracking Daisy but without Daisy. She is without her partner, and we know how deeply she identified as a team with Daisy:

(MAG117) ARCHIVIST: I think Basira is the same, she’s coming along to back-up Daisy, or so she says. I–I, I don’t quite get those two, I suppose. What they’ve done, seeing what they’ve seen… It’s a hell of a bond. The sort of thing I’ve mostly done alone. […] BASIRA: But at least Daisy’s coming along. I mean… I know she’s… difficult. Everything they say about her, it’s true, it’s fair. But… she’s solid. She’s a fixed point. And if she’s there, I know exactly where I stand, exactly what I’m doing relative to her. She has no doubts. […] Despite everything she’s done, she’s… she’s still the best partner I ever had.

(MAG128) BREEKON: Dunno. ‘t’s not right… on my own… not right… No point in doing it on my own. Don’t know what happens now… Thought I might kill you. Missed my chance. Thought I might just… deliver something. So here’s a coffin. [RATTLING SOUND] In case you want… to join your friend. BASIRA: Get out. ARCHIVIST: Basira… BASIRA: Get. Out. […] (Breekon) “I am without him, now. I. am. I can feel myself fading. Weak. No reason to move. Nothing to deliver. But I am no longer tied to the casket; so you can have it. You can stare at it, knowing how your feral friend suffers, knowing how powerless you are to help. And when you can’t bear it any longer, knowing that you can climb in and join her…”

(MAG131) MELANIE: Basira’s not going to be happy that you let him out. ARCHIVIST: Basira isn’t here. [INHALE] And if this works… I’ll have Daisy waiting for her when she gets back, so I don’t think she’ll be thinking too much about Jared.

(MAG133) ARCHIVIST: You’re not happy she is back. BASIRA: I didn’t say that, Jon. I would never abandon Daisy and, having her back is… [SIGH] But right now, she’s dead weight. And I need to be able to travel light.

(MAG155) ARCHIVIST: Have you… thought any more about what I said? BASIRA: Yeah. I don’t think I can. Daisy wouldn’t come if I didn’t, and… I’m not leaving her behind. Besides, both of us being blind would be… [PAUSE] Anyway, being stuck here isn’t exactly her main problem right now.

Of course she would be especially on edge, to see Jon&Martin together and… functioning.

- Super happy about Martin’s point that:

(MAG177) MARTIN: I–it’s not a competition! Christ, I just wanted to talk, that’s all…!

Because YEP. He’s right! But Basira might be also right that she isn’t in the mindset to hear about how hard it’s been for Jon&Martin. As usual: complicated situations for everyone involved, where their sharp edges end up hurting the others around. (And we’ve seen way worse, as far as recriminations and conflict in the successive Archival teams have gone: since the episode began with the three of them traveling together, we were already in a set-up in which they had tacitly agreed to work together on some level. That’s… rare enough to be noticeable.)

- … To be fair for Jon, he did mention right away that he knew “everything” – but Martin had trouble understanding the scope of that at first, so Basira has to experience the same clarifications:

(MAG176) BASIRA: … What about you? ARCHIVIST: I mean… I can know literally anything, so…! Ask away, I guess. BASIRA: … You understand how unhelpful that is for proving identities. ARCHIVIST: I’m sorry to be an inconvenience!

(MAG177) ARCHIVIST: I told you, I know everything now, more or less. I can see her. With my, uh… BASIRA: … Magic horrorvision? ARCHIVIST: Sure. MARTIN: It’s actually been amazingly useful so far. BASIRA: So you can control it now? ARCHIVIST: … Yes. BASIRA: Hmm.

… From Basira’s point of view, Jon confirming that he had more power, and specifically “control” of it now, might have been gigantic red flags already. In season 4, Jon had told her multiple times that he couldn’t really control them, and that trying to purposefully use them came with huge drawbacks:

(MAG127) ARCHIVIST: No, I suppose you didn’t. BASIRA: Don’t snoop in my head. ARCHIVIST: I’m not… “snooping”, I’m not looking – it-that’s not… how this works. BASIRA: Explain it, then.

(MAG140) ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] Yesterday, I tried something, I… [GLASS PUT DOWN ON THE TABLE] [INHALE] I–I deliberately tried to… Know something, like I did in the Coffin, but… there was a lot. Too much. [SIGH] And I… BASIRA: What did you find out? ARCHIVIST: [SNORT] Nothing. There was too much. BASIRA: You don’t remember any of it? ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] You drink the whole contents of a bar in three seconds, you don’t remember what the merlot tasted like. [SIGH] It just… hurt.

(MAG148) BASIRA: Any luck finding [Annabelle]? ARCHIVIST: I haven’t really been trying. Doing that sort of thing consciously, it… makes me hungry.

So what could it possibly mean, if Jon quickly explains that in this horrific transformed world, he can control his powers and that they don’t cost him much? It hurts to see her like this, but I understand that the current circumstances led to her only showing her sharp edges (her impatience, her implacability turned against people who would be supposed to be her allies, her accusatory tones, the overall impression that people around her are only worsening the situation).

- Special appreciation for Basira being so casually derisive about Beholding and everything Beholding-related:

(MAG123) BASIRA: [SIGH] Alright. Best I can understand it, Beholding, or… The Eye, or whatever you wanna call it, we’re one of the only powers that hasn’t actually taken a shot at our ritual.

(MAG140) ARCHIVIST: … Why am I always the last to know about these things? BASIRA: By this point, I just assume the Eyeball tells you.

(MAG177) ARCHIVIST: I told you, I know everything now, more or less. I can see her. With my, uh… BASIRA: … Magic horrorvision? ARCHIVIST: Sure.

(And Martin had already described Jon’s Archivist Corner Time as “vomit your horrors” and “puke your terrors” (MAG168), but I’m delighted that he also joined Basira in the casual roasting of Beholding powers with “magic Eye stuff” when discussing with her. Basira and Martin kind of have the same method of making fun of concepts: exaggerating imaginary scenarios to point out their ridiculousness (MAG125: “No, I just popped down Superdrug. Yes it was hard to come by.”, MAG140: “You know, we’ve actually got a group chat going called ‘British Cops Who Love To Do Extrajudicial Spook-Killings On Foreign Soil’. I’ll just see if they’re free this Saturday.” / MAG175: “Oh my goodness, really? And here was me thinking the apocalypse was going oh-so-swimmingly!”), but Basira tends to have a sharper tongue and use particularly acerbic vocabulary too… So they could mix well and Basira could have a wonderfully horrible influence on Martin, I’m so ready for this.)

- Oh, Martin… He had shown enthusiasm at the prospect of seeing Basira, even considering her a “friend”:

(MAG170) MARTIN: I want to have friends, I… no, I have friends. I’m… I’m in love, eh! I am in love, and I will not forget that, I will – not – forget. I am Martin Black–

(MAG175) MARTIN: I–I know what you meant! I can still be keen to see our friends! ARCHIVIST: … True. MARTIN: Besides, we can help them now.

(MAG176) BASIRA: Don’t move. Either of you. MARTIN: H–hey, whoa! Whoa, Basira, it’s us…! BASIRA: I said don’t move. This place plays tricks.

(MAG177) MARTIN: You might not care but it is good to see you, Basira. It has been a long time since we saw a friendly face. BASIRA: Friendly wasn’t what I was going for. MARTIN: All I’m saying is, it’s nice to find someone we can trust again. [INHALE] Ever since everything went to hell, it’s just been–

(And it’s true that he had gone for drinks with her and Melanie in season 3! And that Basira was understanding of the pain caused by his grief when his mother died in season 4…)

So no wonder that he’s put off by the “friendly face” being so stern while he’s pushing for cooperation. But once again, circumstances not ideal, and it’s only the beginning of them working together again – they might mellow down after a while – and Basira might have been deceived a few times before meeting with them, as she mentioned the place playing “tricks”. (Although that might also be a lasting trauma from the Unknowing: Basira already experienced it, and was only able to get out of it by grounding herself. She had asked Jon, when he woke up from his coma in MAG122, to prove that he was himself, and wasn’t able to fully trust it for a while. It might be Basira expressing the same cautiousness again.)

- I was expecting Basira (and potentially Georgie) to directly accuse Jon about the apocalypse, and I get her point of view (though it’s still sad!) given how Jon… seems oddly at peace in the new universe, and had just repeated to her that his powers have increased?

(MAG177) BASIRA: Yeah, about that. [POINTEDLY TO THE ARCHIVIST] You caused this, didn’t you? ARCHIVIST: [HEAVY BREATH] BASIRA: Don’t give me that look, you know what I mean. Did you mess up the world? Yes or no. ARCHIVIST: … Yes. BASIRA: Goddamn it! I knew it was you, I knew it! MARTIN: Basira… ARCHIVIST: I didn’t mean to, Elias was… We were all playing out this big ritual for him. With me as the lynchpin, the gate. BASIRA: [EXPLOSIVE SIGH] Oh you didn’t mean to! Oh that’s all right then. Christ! I should’ve known, I… I should’ve just let Daisy take you out at the start. MARTIN: … You don’t mean that.

And! Once again: of course, it’s not Jon’s fault. Jonah schemed and caused the apocalypse. … But it’s also true that Jon has not been really good at explaining what had happened, or at defending himself: for someone who doesn’t know how the apocalypse was unleashed, meeting someone presenting himself as the “gate” doesn’t… tell much. It’s different from “Jonah ensured that I would be marked by the Fears, then hijacked my body to recite an incantation that unleashed the Fears into the world”. It’s still hard to hear Basira expressing regrets for not having allowed Jon to be killed back in season 3, when he was still scrambling around and discovering how Elias had roped him into the Fears’ business – but it’s also, probably, part of Basira’s guilt resurfacing. She had less emotional ties to Jon than to Daisy: she thought she was doing the right thing back when she had prevented Daisy from killing him in MAG091, it’s natural that she would re-evaluate that particular act. But it’s also saying a lot about her (and her relationship to Daisy) given her refusal to face and re-evaluate the “fairness” of Daisy’s actions, during the last part of season 4 and in this episode.

And it’s additionally interesting that Basira set that hinging moment that could have made things better (/would have prevented the apocalypse)… back in MAG091. The day when the group went to confront Elias, which led to Basira herself getting tied to the Institute and becoming a prisoner of it. Is that when Basira feels like her whole life derailed, when she began the process of losing Daisy? Objectively, things weren’t perfect before that already: the Fears were still around, Daisy was already a Hunter killing people, whether they were involved with the Fears or not (and although Jon hasn’t explained that part to her yet, we know that Jonah would likely have just used another Archivist for his plans); but I feel like it’s telling a lot that Basira didn’t tell Jon that she regrets not having killed him back in season 4, when he had been hurting people. She longs for a time when she was still mostly uninvolved, when she could have just kept going with her life.

- Interesting that all the other avatars/monsters, so far, seem to share the spontaneous knowledge that Jon was the one who caused the apocalypse and is all-powerful… yet Basira didn’t, and had to ask. (Or did she know about it, but refused to accept it and wanted Jon to confirm it himself?) It might be an indicator that she’s not a full-blown avatar?

- SOB for Martin trying to appease things and obviously disagreeing where Jon is concerned – without being overly defensive either, and letting Jon say his piece.

- Jon has already changed and made peace with a few aspects of what happened, I feel? Comparing him to early season:

(MAG161) ARCHIVIST: Can you imagine…? If we’d had this… MARTIN: [SHARP] But we didn’t, though, did we. [CREAKING SOUND] ARCHIVIST: No… MARTIN: So there’s no point in dwelling. ARCHIVIST: [HUFF] MARTIN: Jon, I… This isn’t healthy.

(MAG165) ARCHIVIST: You could’ve–! … You knew what was happening. HELEN: I suspected. But all I really did was refuse to help! And that is hardly a unique quality. ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] HELEN: If that makes it my fault, then surely, this is Georgie’s fault as well, and Melanie’s! ARCHIVIST: Leave them out of this, they didn’t know…! HELEN: There it is again! Knowledge! It’s so very important to you, isn’t it? These fossilised nuggets of pretend comprehension, weighing you down, stopping you thinking or feeling! What about… hypotheticals? If they had known, what would they have done? Is that something you can see?

(MAG167) MARTIN: [EXHALE] So, what? Without assistants, [Gertrude]’d be bad at the apocalypse? [RUSTLING OF CLOTHES] ARCHIVIST: Wi–without… trust, without a, a reason… Gertrude needed both the purpose her mission gave her, and the control her position allowed. To be here, like us, without a, [INHALE] a reason, without someone to ground her, she… She’d have power but… no control. No real… purpose. Perhaps she’d dedicate herself to a, a doomed quest like us, but– … [QUIET] No… I think this would have broken her. And she’d have resigned herself to… ruling her domain. […] MARTIN: [INHALE] [SNORT] Ssso. If you say Gertrude wouldn’t have been able to go on without a reason… ARCHIVIST: Yes, Martin, you are my reason. MARTIN: Just wanted to make you say it…!

(MAG175) MARTIN: I mean… Right, if none, if none of this had happened, if the world had just… carried on? [WET SQUEAK] What would have happened, was… was all that fear justified? [SHUFFLING] ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] I can’t know the future, Martin, not even a hypothetical one. MARTIN: But… you know what was going on, what was happening.

(MAG177) MARTIN: … You don’t mean that. BASIRA: No? [EXHALE] I don’t know. Maybe. If I had… it would have stopped all this, wouldn’t it? ARCHIVIST: Perhaps. Perhaps not. BASIRA: I thought you knew everything? MARTIN: He can’t do hypotheticals. BASIRA: And if I killed you now? MARTIN: What did I just say? ARCHIVIST: You couldn’t. [PAUSE] And even if you could, it wouldn’t be enough to undo what’s happened to the world.

Since Gertrude’s story, and the realisation that she actually would have fared worse in the apocalypse, it feels like Jon has stopped clinging to these “hypotheticals” and how the apocalypse-could-have-been-oh-so-easily-avoided, like he has decided that they don’t matter that much if the point is to only claim and assign guilt through them. It happened, and it happened because Jonah(/The Web?) did everything for it to happen. Even if Jon didn’t explain it well in this episode, he also immediately pointed out that Jonah was the cause of it, even using “lynchpin” to describe himself, a word that we hadn’t heard since… Jonah’s own letter in MAG160:

(MAG160, Jonah Magnus) “And there was only one being that could possibly serve as a lynchpin for this new ritual: the Archivist. A position that had so recently become vacant, thanks to Gertrude’s… ill-timed retirement plans.”

(MAG177) ARCHIVIST: I didn’t mean to, Elias was… We were all playing out this big ritual for him. With me as the lynchpin, the gate.

(Interesting that he said “gate” instead of “door”, though!)

- … What is absolutely new is that Jon pointed out that killing him wouldn’t fix the world:

(MAG177) BASIRA: And if I killed you now? MARTIN: What did I just say? ARCHIVIST: You couldn’t. [PAUSE] And even if you could, it wouldn’t be enough to undo what’s happened to the world. BASIRA: So… what? You’re the immortal god of this messed up little hellscape now? ARCHIVIST: “God” might be stretching it. [DEEP INHALE] But I am more powerful now, yes.

Which is new information! I’m (positively) surprised that this option is already crossed out as a “solution”, since I thought it might be brought up or carried out way later in the season! (… But which might mean that Jon could ultimately have to bear a fate worse than death, or to seek death as a liberation. Woops.)

- Yay for Martin asking for clarifications about Trevor, and it was really reminiscent of him asking Helen what had happened with Not!Sasha:

(MAG166) MARTIN: Will you tell me how he did it? ARCHIVIST: Martin… MARTIN: He just keeps going all vague about it! HELEN: Oh, goodness. You see what you’ve done to the poor boy, Jon? He’s coming to me for clear answers.

(MAG177) MARTIN: … O~kay, well, since we’re talking, I, I–I was wondering. I don’t know if, if I missed it, or if you both just assumed that I knew since you knew already but, well, I… BASIRA: Spit it out. MARTIN: What was the deal with Trevor? [A TELEPHONE RINGS IN THE BACKGROUND] Why was he… I mean, I’m not really sure what happened, back there. BASIRA: Seriously? You brought him here and you didn’t brief him, Mr All-Seeing-Eye? ARCHIVIST: … Oh, I just… MARTIN: He just keeps being vague and ominous. BASIRA: Well, some things don’t change then! ARCHIVIST: It was a courtesy. I wasn’t sure what you’d be comfortable with me sharing. BASIRA: Oh, how generous!

(The phone ringing now and then, throughout the episode? CHILLING, with how it occasionally timed with the content, I kept wondering whether it was Annabelle trying to call Martin again =D)

* “Well, some things don’t change then!” savage but fair, Basira.

* Again: I’m glad that Jon was trying to respect Basira’s privacy! It’s not a lot, it feels very mundane, but it’s also Jon… trying to do the right thing and to respect others. (I feel like it conveys a lot about the fact that he’s aware of her flaws, is now even more ready to call her out on them, but also fundamentally likes/cares about Basira…)

* I love how Martin’s main word this season, when talking about Jon talking, is “ominous”:

(MAG161) ARCHIVIST: No, I don’t need to. “It” can see us here, and… [WOODEN CREAKING SOUND] And I can see out as well. MARTIN: O–kay, we’ll just file that under… ominous, for now.

(MAG163) ARCHIVIST: You could see that tower from anywhere on Earth. And it can see you. And if you walk towards it, eventually you’ll get there. But you have to go through everything in-between. MARTIN: … You’re being ominous again! ARCHIVIST: Sorry.

(MAG169) MARTIN: You sure there isn’t another way? [ANXIOUS BREATHING] … Yeah, yeah, I know, “the journey will be the journey”, blah blah, ominous blah…! ARCHIVIST: … I’m sorry. MARTIN: ‘T’s fine. I know you wouldn’t take us through if we didn’t actually need to go through, so…

(MAG177) MARTIN: He just keeps being vague and ominous.

Martin has One Word and is using it.

- GODS for the way Julia ended… Addition/Confirmation that it was indeed Daisy who killed her (it wasn’t 100% clear whether it had been her or Basira, in the previous episode):

(MAG176) ARCHIVIST: And Julia? [SILENCE] TREVOR: Dead. ARCHIVIST: I’m sorry. TREVOR: Shut it! Should’ve been me. [TRILL OF A BIRD] I’m old… slow… It’s not fair, outliving her…! But that dog of yours, that rabid bitch, she…! Killed her first, so she could see me limp away! [PANTS] It’s a game to her.

(MAG177) BASIRA: … So, when everything went sideways at the institute, I lost track of Daisy and Julia Montauk. I know Daisy managed to kill her, but I don’t know the details. Didn’t find any sign of them in the Archives, at least. ARCHIVIST: It was about a week later. They’d been stalking each other through the tunnels beneath the city. Daisy managed to corner her in an old subway access and tore out her throat. MARTIN: [SIGH] ARCHIVIST: Trevor found the body three hours later. BASIRA: [IRRITATED] Do you want to tell it? ARCHIVIST: Sorry. [INHALE] I thought you’d want me to fill in on the missing details. BASIRA: I don’t.

It’s not an exact parallel, but… there is still something to be said about Robert Montauk getting torn to pieces by a (Dark) Beast in prison, and Julia getting butchered by a (Hunt) Beast in a cramped/dark place. ;;

(Jon and Martin didn’t mention anything about Daisy’s whereabouts in the segment of MAG160 just before Jon read Jonah’s letter: did Jon already know about this? Or did that bit of knowledge come with everything else, after the apocalypse? Julia was already dead by then for around two weeks, if she was called one week after the attack on the Institute…)

- BIG AOUCH for the way Basira described her discovery of the apocalypse:

(MAG177) BASIRA: Anyway, seems like since then, Trevor was tracking Daisy. Wanted revenge, you heard him. I was still in the Institute when everything went to hell outside, so I guess that protected me from the first wave. … Once I saw what’d happened… that we’d… lost… [INHALE] Didn’t feel like there was anything left worth doing, except keeping my promise to Daisy – so I went looking. I’ve found Trevor’s trail eventually and started tailing him. I hoped I could follow him as he tracked Daisy, but… then you had to blunder your way in as always, and I had to step in.

She was basically alone in the Institute when the apocalypse happened… although it was the place she initially got forcibly tied to as “collateral”/a hostage.

* I wonder what protected her from getting imprisoned by a domain: was it the building itself? Her connection to it as an employee? Her connection to the Archives/to Jon? (Or: is she actually trapped in a “domain” on her own, with her never-ending hunt of Daisy?)

* I’m very curious about her mention of a “first wave”, which seems to imply that there have been others? Or at least, that London wasn’t entirely touched and transformed in one go?

* Sobbing a bit about the vocabulary she used: “that we’d… lost…” feels like a fight, a war (one side against another), and that is the siege mentality she had carried all through season 4.

* Aaand Jon had already mentioned that Basira was trying to fulfil her promise to Daisy:

(MAG158) DAISY: [PANTING] Basira… promise me something. BASIRA: What? … No, Daisy, no. DAISY: [PANTING] Mm, Basira… When this is over, you need to find me… and kill me. Promise me. BASIRA: No. No, Daisy, we’ll figure something out! NOT!SASHA: [IN THE DISTANCE] You can’t hide forever, Jon. DAISY: [PANTING] These last months, I… it was always borrowed time. Can’t outrun it forever. BASIRA: Daisy… DAISY: [PANTING] Promise me. BASIRA: … I promise. DAISY: Thanks. [BREATHLESS] Now, run…!

(MAG164) MARTIN: What’s Basira going to do? [STATIC INCREASES] ARCHIVIST: She… thinks she’s going to kill Daisy. Like she promised. [STATIC DECREASES] But she’s conflicted. MARTIN: And will she? ARCHIVIST: I–I don’t know, th–the future, th–that’s… that’s not something I can see.

But sob that it seems to have come as a Last Thing On Earth To Do… Before, Basira was still trying to prevent the Institute from being burned down, and was helping Jon&Martin from afar (telling them what was happening in London, sending statements to Jon). I wonder if before the apocalypse, Basira still had some hope that they could find a way to get Daisy back?

* … I feel like there is a big misunderstanding re:Trevor, since Jon had explained that he was “prey”:

(MAG176) MARTIN: [HIGH-PITCHED AND SLOW] Jon? I know you keep saying we’re safe, and I am feeling very calm. But just so I know, can he… Can he kill me? ARCHIVIST: … He could, yes– MARTIN: Right… ARCHIVIST: –if he were still a Hunter. TREVOR: … Shut it! ‘Course I’m still a Hunter! MARTIN: [GRUNT] Mm-mm-mm! TREVOR: [BESTIAL PANTS] MARTIN: Gotta go with Trevor on that one, Jon! ARCHIVIST: … No. [HUFF] Right now, he’s prey. [TRILL OF A BIRD] How long have you been running now, Trevor? [CREAKING SOUNDS] TREVOR: [PANTING] Don’t know… Too long…!

He was running away from Daisy and/or Basira, when Basira was tracking him, not hunting Daisy. Typical dumb Hunters things, where Basira was apparently following Daisy through someone… who was actually running away from her.

- Cat is out the bag and a o u c h. Jon’s plan worked, at least? Woops.

(MAG177) MARTIN: Sorry…! BASIRA: It’s his fault. He used you to bait Trevor, to bait me. [SHUFFLING] MARTIN: Wait, I’m–I’m sorry, you used me as bait? ARCHIVIST: I used us as bait, I didn’t know which one he’d go for. MARTIN: I mean, yeah, sure, but… only one of us was aware of the plan! ARCHIVIST: I, I’m sorry, I was going to tell you, but then I–I, I got distracted and… then we were within earshot of him, and I couldn't say anything and I… I–I mean… You would have agreed, right? MARTIN: That’s not the point, Jon!

So one of them was bait, to use Trevor as bait, to catch Basira.

It’s usual with Basira, but I love how her words and reasoning imply way more than what her behaviour lets on: she saved Jon&Martin. She is acerbic and bitter and accusatory towards them, but she did save them, when she had an opportunity to see them get killed (well, as far as she knew; she wasn’t aware that Trevor couldn’t have killed Jon). Even if it’s to use Jon as a resource… I feel like it does say something that she made the quick decision to save them instead of allowing Trevor to end them?

REALLY glad that Jon apologised and seemed to acknowledge that it hadn’t been a Great Move towards Martin because, indeed – Martin had mentioned that he would understand Basira in that situation, but it was throwing Martin into the arena without warning and while Jon was in control of the situation, knowing that it was likely to cause Martin distress. I really love how, this season, they’ve not been absolutely perfect but also able to acknowledge when they have hurt the other, reaching an understanding.

- And once again, the FABRIC RUSTLED!

(MAG177) ARCHIVIST: … I’m sorry. [SILENCE] MARTIN: [SIGH] It’s okay. I understand. [BAG JOSTLING] [FABRIC RUSTLES] BASIRA: Urgh… [SILENCE] You done? ARCHIVIST: Can we not have a moment? BASIRA: No, Jon, we can’t. This is a chase, remember? Time is a factor.

Still cackling so hard at Basira’s dejected sound. She saw them dancing around each other back in season 3 and got glimpses of Jon’s wallowing in season 4:

(MAG088) BASIRA: I just, I mean he was good company. Y’know, when he wasn’t being a paranoia machine. He was funny, you know? MARTIN: What, Jon? BASIRA: Yeah. MARTIN: I don’t think I’ve ever heard him tell a joke. BASIRA: Maybe you weren’t listening. MARTIN: Right. Well, I’m sure it’ll get sorted out when DAISY brings him in and you can probably talk to him then. Oh! Sorry, I forgot you’re not actually with the police any more, are you.

(MAG106) MELANIE: [CHUCKLE] And anyway, Martin’s always been lovely to you. BASIRA: Hm. I dunno, I mean, you should have seen him when I turned up last year. I think he thought I was trying to steal his precious Archivist. MELANIE: Aaah…! I got the exact same, when Jon was hiding out and came to me with his “source on the inside” stuff. Martin was not impressed. BASIRA: Huff. That boy needs to relax. MELANIE: Or at least find someone else to fuss over. BASIRA: Yeah, he’s got it bad. … Do you know if he and Jon ever…?

(MAG122) ARCHIVIST: Just you and me. … And– Melanie and M–Martin, I–I guess. Honestly, I’m surprised Martin isn’t– BASIRA: [SHARP INHALE] ARCHIVIST: What? Oh God! The, their plan, it’s– Martin i–is…! Is he okay, wh– … What did Elias do?

(MAG123) ARCHIVIST: Haven’t seen Martin about yet? BASIRA: Yeah, he comes and goes. He’s busy. Well, he seems it. ARCHIVIST: Working for Peter Lukas. BASIRA: Don’t be too hard on him, Jon. Your, uh… “situation”, it hit him. Hard.

(MAG127) BASIRA: [EXHALE] … Yeah. People keep saying that. ARCHIVIST: Do they? … W–w–who else– [SHORT SHARP EXHALE] Did Martin say something?

(MAG148) ARCHIVIST: I’ve been meaning to ask. The… tape. The one of the, uh… my victim. You said Martin gave it to you. BASIRA: [EXHALE] Yeah. ARCHIVIST: How was he? H–how did he look, was he, uh… BASIRA: I don’t know. I didn’t… see him. He just left it on my desk with a note.

(MAG151) BASIRA: Jon may be going through a whole “we have to trust Martin” thing, but I’m not. As far as I can see, you’re either compromised, or you’re being played. And I want to know which. MARTIN: … I didn’t know Jon had listened to them already! BASIRA: Well, he has. He seems to think you’ll come to him when you need him. I think you’re feeding him what he needs to hear so he doesn’t bother you.

So now, she has to deal with them as a couple. (And it might sting EXTRA HARD… given how she’s Daisy-less. Basira and Daisy aren’t canonically romantically, but they were partners anyway: it’s still rubbing her loss in her face. Helen’s dig about her being the “third wheel” later… was spot-on.)

- I’m glad that Jon’s shitty sense of humour has resurfaced, too! <3 We saw some of it already this season, but I’m glad that he’s using it with Basira again (she had mentioned that she thought he was funny, in MAG088 – they used to share the same sense of humour!)

(MAG140) ARCHIVIST: I hope you’re not suggesting that Santa works for the People’s Church. BASIRA: [SIGH] Jon.

(MAG177) ARCHIVIST: When did I become everyone’s satnav? BASIRA&MARTIN: Jon…!

Martin and Basira, same struggle.

- The background sounds were already dreadful and putting you on edge, so YIPS when Jon explained where they were:

(MAG177) MARTIN: Yyyeah, speaking of… Wh–where actually are we, anyway? I mean… I’m happy to be out of the woods, but I don’t– ARCHIVIST: Wonderland House. A, uh… mental “health” facility. MARTIN: … Oh. Oh, dear. ARCHIVIST: Mm-hm.

Martin’s reaction… He already guessed how awful it could be, uh. As feared, it echoed what Helen had told Jon in her first appearance this season (MAG164: “Look at this place, look at this… [DEEP INHALE] wonderland! This is the world now, and we are strong and free”) – it was a Spiral domain, and Helen appeared – and Jon&Basira are on “Alice”’s trail.

- I’m still laughing very hard that Martin and Basira’s conversation, with the music in the background, the awkwardness, the small talk while waiting (for Jon to come back)… was literally an Elevator Music scene:

(MAG177) BASIRA: So… Did you actually walk all the way down here from Scotland? [A TELEPHONE RINGS IN THE BACKGROUND] MARTIN: Hm… Kind of? Scotland’s not really a thing anymore. BASIRA: Huh. London’s still there. Sort of. MARTIN: Yeah, that’s where we’re heading. Eventually.

* Curious about London’s status, since Basira had also said that “” – it seems to have taken less damage than Scotland, is it because it’s close to the new centre of the world (the Panopstitute)? Is all of London considered an Eye domain, now?

* Martin’s “eventually” is… mmm. Does he think they’re still far from London? Jon hadn’t mentioned when they would arrive – just that the journey had to be done, and this is the 14th Fear domain they’ve encountered. The only one potentially “missing” is Beholding, which might just be the goal. What do they need to travel through to reach London, now? Is it because their journey needs to be done on another level, like emotionally or decision-wise, and that they haven’t fulfilled the condition yet?

- The way Martin described Jon going Kill Bill on avatars, as Martin had requested, was absolutely hilarious because of how quickly summarised it was:

(MAG177) MARTIN: He’s been destroying other avatars on the way. BASIRA: Oh. That’s… good, I guess. How’s he doing it? MARTIN: [INHALE] He’s getting The Eye to, like… like, look at them? He–he just kind of drinks up all their fear and they, uh… just sort of… implode? BASIRA: … Sounds satisfying. MARTIN: Myeah… Not sure how much good it does, though. And one of them was a kid. BASIRA: Jon killed a kid? MARTIN: What? No. No! No, I just mean, one of the avatars that we saw was, like, thirteen or so. BASIRA: That’s… messed up. MARTIN: Yeah. We had to let him go, ‘cause… Uh, well, I mean… [A TELEPHONE RINGS IN THE BACKGROUND] BASIRA: Yeah. MARTIN: Mm, yeah.

I’m noting that Martin understood that “drink your fill” meant that Jon was feeding from their fears (it sure sounded like Jon was feasting when killing them)! I’m still snickering SO HARD at Martin’s shortcuts leading to Basira’s surprised disgust over the idea of Jon killing a kid (but at the same time: the fact that she was surprised over the concept means… that she wasn’t expecting Jon to do these kind of things, naturally). It’s interesting that Martin hadn’t mentioned who that kid was, although he had connected him to Basira in MAG173…

- I’ll roll in my fluffy covers over how we have canon footage of Martin saying that:

(MAG177) BASIRA: … So what’s your plan? MARTIN: Long-term? Elias.

Elias is a long-term plan uwu Geddim, Martin.

I’m… still delighted that Jon and Martin both had problems regarding whether to call him “Jonah” or “Elias”, tried “Jonah” for a while, and yet it persistently doesn’t work and they end up spontaneously going with “Elias”, because SAME HAT:

(MAG161) MARTIN: Elias won, and there were some tapes he’d kept for himself, and he wanted to gloat. So, he sent them! ARCHIVIST: He’s not… MARTIN: I–I don’t see– ARCHIVIST: … “Elias”. MARTIN: Jonah, then. I don’t know, I find it hard to think of him as… I don’t really like to think of him!

(MAG162) ARCHIVIST: No, no, lo–look… I, I–I was listening, and I–I was filled with this… hatred. This anger; I–I wanted to leave, and hunt down Elias, a–and…! MARTIN: W–wow, okay… […] Do you think it’ll do anything? Confronting Elias?

(MAG164) MARTIN: What about Elias? [STATIC INCREASES] ARCHIVIST: He’s inside the Panopticon; the tower, far above the world.

(MAG167) ARCHIVIST: Help us with what? MARTIN: ‘xcuse me? ARCHIVIST: Annabelle, help us with “what”? Our–our, our journey, killing Elias, vanishing the Entities – what?

(MAG174) MARTIN: Thanks for that. … Hang on, you’re still down to kill Elias, right? Uh, oh, Jonah, whatever. ARCHIVIST: I’m still going to confront him. [INHALE] I don’t know if killing him is something I’m even… capable of, but if I can and I have to, I will.

(MAG177) ARCHIVIST: I didn’t mean to, Elias was… We were all playing out this big ritual for him. […] MARTIN: Long-term? Elias. He’s up in that that… “Panopticon” tower thing.

I love how they’ve basically given up on trying to call him “Jonah”.

- … To be fair with Basira:

(MAG164) MARTIN: How is he? ARCHIVIST: Hard to say. The, the way this works, this… “new sight”, the knowledge is, is… [SIGH] It’s somehow wrapped up in the Panopticon? An eye can’t… see inside itself.

(MAG177) BASIRA: Figured as much. What’s he up to? MARTIN: Jon doesn’t know. He says it’s a “blind spot”. BASIRA: A blind spot. MARTIN: A–apparently. BASIRA: Convenient.

From the outside, it indeed sounds very convenient. (Jon was a bit more talkative about it, described it as the fact that an “eye can’t see inside itself” which, ewww, but also, oh alright, indeed.)

- I’m glad that Basira asked about Melanie!! ;w;

(MAG177) BASIRA: What about Melanie? MARTIN: He’s… not sure about her either? He can’t see her or Georgie. BASIRA: Dead, then. [STATIC INCREASES, THEN FADES] ARCHIVIST: [INHALE] No. Uh, not dead. Just… hidden, somehow.

She sounded stone-cold, but still asked… Their relationship in season 4 had been extremely harsh on Melanie’s end, but they did use to get along in season 3 and, post-Hill Top Road expedition, it had seemed like things were a bit pacified in the Archives…

- I hadn’t gotten that feeling in MAG164, when Jon had asked Martin to ask him questions for him to use his powers, but this time… it really felt like Jon was immersing and then resurfacing from the sea of knowledge that he had mentioned in season 4?

(MAG127) ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] It’s… hard. It’s like there’s a–a–a door, in my mind. And behind it, is… i–is the entire ocean. Before, I didn’t notice it, but now, I–I know it’s there, and I can’t forget it, and I can feel the pressure of the water on it. I–I–I, I can keep it closed… but sometimes, when I’m around p–people, or–or places, or… ideas… a drop or two will push through the cracks, at the edges of the door. And I’ll… know something. BASIRA: … What happens, if you open the door? [PAUSE] ARCHIVIST: I drown.

(Season 5 trailer) MARTIN: Are you still… [SIGH] “feeling it”? Seeing everything? ARCHIVIST: Yes, I, I’m trying not to, but… all of the fear, th–the anguish, i–it just… [INHALE] It keeps coming at me in waves, rolling over me, filling my head with such… awful sights.

(MAG177) ARCHIVIST: [INHALE] Right. Daisy. Give me a moment. [INHALE] [STATIC RISES] […] BASIRA: Dead, then. [STATIC INCREASES, THEN FADES] ARCHIVIST: [INHALE] No. Uh, not dead. Just… hidden, somehow. BASIRA: Hm, back with us, then. ARCHIVIST: I know the route.

He inhaled before using his powers (and before the static kicked in) and then almost gasped when coming back to them.

- REALLY INTERESTING that Martin described Jon’s need to stop as him needing to “make a statement”:

(MAG177) MARTIN: Really? Now? ARCHIVIST: I’ll try to be quick. BASIRA: What’s going on? MARTIN: [SIGH] It’s… It… He needs to make a statement.

Not read, or spit, or “vomit”/“puke” but “make”. Like statement-givers had been doing at the Institute, putting their stories down onto paper or getting them recorded. It’s true that Jon is creating them in his own way, but it’s still an extremely interesting shift…

And once again: where are these tapes going? Why does Jon need to “pour out” into them?

(MAG162) ARCHIVIST: This cabin. [WOODEN CREAKING SOUND] It’s not right. And, when I thought that, I–I felt… It, it all poured out of me down… into the tape.

(MAG163) ARCHIVIST: [QUIET] I… I know. [SILENCE] I–I’ll use the tape recorder…! [PLASTIC OF A TAPE] I just… [INHALE] You probably want to wait outside.

They’re still presented as a necessary part of that new process, I wonder what their purpose is…

- F for Jon, Basira&Martin teaming up against him now:

(MAG177) BASIRA: Is that like a euphemism, or…? MARTIN: Ew, no! It’s, hum… He sort of describes the place he’s in to the recorder and… Look, it’s–it’s, it’s magic Eye stuff, he can’t help it. He needs to do it, and if he doesn’t… ARCHIVIST: [FAINT GRUNT] BASIRA: He gets constipated? ARCHIVIST: Hardly! MARTIN: Actually, yeah, basically. ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] BASIRA: Right.

- Martin had been keeping lookout around Jon since MAG171, but not necessarily listening to the whole thing:

(MAG177) ARCHIVIST: Look, if you can both just give me some space, I would appreciate it. MARTIN: … Fine. I’ll keep lookout. [MARTIN MOVES AWAY] BASIRA: No. If it’s information about this domain, I think I’d better hear it. ARCHIVIST: [SIGHING] If you say so…! [INHALE]

It’s curious that Basira now wanted to hear about it – she was refusing to listen to him read statements, back in season 4. Why did she need “information about this domain”, since Daisy had already left? Was it pure curiosity, did she want to understand what Jon is currently doing and how he operatesnow? (… Was she trying to imitate Daisy, since Daisy sometimes stayed with Jon when he was reading a statement?)

I wonder if Basira got stuck, absolutely unable to interrupt like Martin had been in MAG167…

- … Alright, that was a very intense statement, both from the concept of the domain and how it was conveyed – Jon impersonating the Bad Therapist, and either pantomiming/recreating a scene which had happened there, either encapsulating various experiences in one demonstration, either directly communicating with a victim from the domain and directly being responsible for their pain, terror and anguish?

Jon’s narration tends to follow the victims in third-person internal focalisation, with a few exceptions (MAG172 being a theatre script meant that the voices, both from the Spider tormenting Francis, and Francis themself, were heard without a narrative filter; Oliver added another narrative layer since he was describing one of his victims; same thing with Jon knowing about Gertrude’s life in the Archives, which had traces of his own judgement). It was absolutely chilling that, for once, all we would hear would be the tormentor’s own words, and that we would only be able to get a glimpse of the victim through the former’s commentaries. It was plain scary (Jon was TERRIFYING) and really conveyed a sense of helplessness – we, the audience, were put in the victim’s place, as helpless as them to do anything while “Dr David”/Jon controlled absolutely everything.

All the little tricks were terrible! Negating one’s identity and experiences, the use of derogatory phrases (“people like you”, “meaningless little brat”, “unlikeable waste of air”, “hysterical little creep”), the threats, the absolutely improper airiness given the situation, the medical mistreatment and incompetence, the accusations, the plain meanness, the utter denial of control. Jon presented the domain as belonging to The Spiral, but I felt that this one had some Web-vibes embedded into it, given how it was also about being trapped and at the mercy of someone else, being unable to fight a situation and utterly manhandled?

(I have my own favourite references, but with “Another of your lies, is it, as though we haven’t heard enough of them in the, what, five years I’ve been treating you now? No matter. … Yes, five years, can we please not start that again?”, my brain still screamed about García Lorca’s play. The Spiral could have a day with that one, too.)

Amongst the terrible things: the fact that we could hear the domain so directly now, and especially the sounds originating from Doctor David’s consultation, the motions, the snaps, the pills? Even the pills getting swallowed? What was up with that? It was already a curious thing in MAG175: how the panting and the footsteps of the chase were audible although Jon was staying in a fixed spot. Is reality bending around him in the domains, creating a small bubble in which what he describes doesn’t exactly happen but happens anyway? (My main question is: who or what swallowed the pills we heard? Was Jon really terrorising someone, or was he “alone” in front of Basira, pantomiming everything?)

What is clearer is about the overall sounds of the scenery: we could hear the screams and the wails in the background, and the clock ticking in that room… as long as the statement lasted. But both stopped when the statement was finished (and the static disappeared), while the faint muzak was audible again:

(MAG177) ARCHIVIST: [SIGHING] If you say so…! [INHALE] [STATIC RISES] [DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES] [FOOTSTEPS, A TELEPHONE RINGS IN THE BACKGROUND] [CLOCK TICKING IN THE BACKGROUND] [STATIC FADES] ARCHIVIST: “Hi. How are we doing? You can call me Doctor David. […] Like I say: we have all the time in the world! [STATIC RISES] And good old Doctor David isn’t – going – anywhere.” [STATIC FADES] [THE SCREAMS AND THE CLOCK STOP, THE TINNY MUZAK RESUMES] [SILENCE]

So… there really is a little bubble transforming around Jon, and I wonder whether Basira was pulled into it or remained exterior? At least, the tape recorder caught these sounds…

- Basira, Sayer Of Fuck, thank you for your services:

(MAG177) ARCHIVIST: [DEEP EXHALATION] … Satisfied? BASIRA: Ff… Fuck.

Fuck The Spiral, indeed.

(It was Basira’s second “Fuck” of the series! First one had been in MAG148, she’s now on equal stand with Jon.)

- ;_; I feel for Jon, who had trouble explaining exactly what this domain was about:

(MAG177) BASIRA: No, I get that bit, it’s just… So the guy was mad, or…? ARCHIVIST: No, it–it… I–I mean, yes. It’s sort of, like… gaslighting but in reverse? [A TELEPHONE RINGS IN THE BACKGROUND] Uh, this place, it’s built on the fear that your mental health problems aren’t actually real. BASIRA: … Wouldn’t that be a good thing? ARCHIVIST: N–no, I– Hum, I’m not explaining it very well. Uh, it’s, it’s the worry that everything is, is awful, and it’s actually… your fault. That, that you made it up, that, hum… that you’re… BASIRA: What? ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] Bad therapists. Let’s just say it’s the fear of bad therapists, filtered through The Spiral.

It’s a very understandable fear; until Jon cleared it up, I thought it was “that little voice in some people’s head”, because woops. The statement did feel familiar on a lot of levels, for me, and I’m still so occasionally impressed at this series’ ability to give a mirror to so many people in such different ways.

- Was Jon already trying to warn Basira about Helen, before she appeared?

(MAG177) BASIRA: That’s… a lot more nuance than I’ve gotten used to since everything went wrong. ARCHIVIST: Yes, well. The Spiral is nothing if not insidious.

With the way Basira arrived, she screamed “potentially vulnerable to Helen” given that Helen can track her (Basira went through her corridors, after the end of MAG143) and that Helen had already offered Jon&Martin to drop them wherever they wanted…

Regarding Basira’s answer: I wonder if what she had faced in the apocalypse so far really did lack much nuance, or if she was just… plainly unable to see it. We saw with Noah Thomson that her reflex is to refuse to see it when it’s too heavy to bear, and she already knew that Daisy had been killing on her way; if this one’s case wasn’t as straightforward as she wanted to believe (if he’s just a “nasty piece of work”, therefore it’s not a heavy loss if he dies, it doesn’t make Daisy absolutely monstrous, it doesn’t mean that she has to feel empathy for a victim), it… was probably the same for Daisy’s other victims, and perhaps also for the other horrors Basira has witnessed.

- CONGRATULATION, MARTIN! You’ve already run into your ~(almost)corpse of the season~!

(MAG040) ARCHIVIST: That’s where you found her? MARTIN: Yes. She was sat in a wooden chair in the middle of the room. No worms. No cobwebs. Just… an old corpse. Gertrude Robinson. She was slumped forward, but I could see her mouth hanging open.

(MAG080) TIM: Try his office. MARTIN: Yeah. Right. [DOOR OPENS TO THE SOUND OF DRIPPING] MARTIN: Jon? Oh. Oh no. TIM: I told you he was going to do something like this. MARTIN: Oh, no, no… Who is it?

(Season 4 trailer) MARTIN: Hi Jon. [PAUSE] H–how are you? [LIGHT CHUCKLE] … Yeah. Yeah, same here.

(MAG158) PETER: There is… of course… just one other complication? [FOOTSTEPS STOP] You’ll have to dispose of the current occupant. MARTIN: Curren–… [QUICK FOOTSTEPS] [SHARP BREATHING] … Who is that? PETER: Jonah Magnus! His… body, at least. Sitting here; watching; binding it all together; growing ever older. If you want to take his place, well…

(MAG177) MARTIN: [NERVOUSLY] Uh… Is that door meant to be open, heh? And… dripping blood? [BAG JOSTLING] ARCHIVIST: We’re here. [DOOR CREAKS] MARTIN: … Oh! Jesus… [BAG JOSTLING] ARCHIVIST: Yes. Horrible way to go…!

Now, there might be hope that he won’t be discovering Jon’s corpse at the end of season 5 since this tradition is done already.

- ;; Jon’s description of what Daisy did was incredibly chilling, because it felt more like a predator waiting. It felt like someone calculating and planning for the best moment.

(MAG177) ARCHIVIST: I know the route. [BAG JOSTLING] Come on. [FOOTSTEPS START AGAIN] It… will take us past Daisy’s victim, though. MARTIN: Victim? BASIRA: She’s been killing. MARTIN: What? No – no, that can’t be right. I–I thought people weren’t even allowed to die any more. ARCHIVIST: Not permanently, but, uh… Ah. […] BASIRA: You’re sure this is Daisy’s handiwork? ARCHIVIST: Positive. [STATIC RISES] She’d been prowling around for a long time, waiting for a gap in the “treatments”. And when she got one, she carved through the door like it was paper. He tried to run but she was so fast. She took his legs first, slicing through the tendons so that he could– […] MARTIN: Wait. Wait, so… so, she’s hunting down criminals? People who she… thinks got away with stuff? BASIRA: … Sure.

I still wonder if there is a bit of Daisy, right now, within the beast, aware of what it is doing? Knowing that she’s back to being a “sadistic predator”, witnessing her actions, aware of their monstrosity yet unable to stop them, would probably be season4!Daisy’s worst nightmare…

If Daisy is following a personal list of people who (she, as a Hunter, felt) had “gotten away with stuff”… Jon and Elias might be on that list? Daisy had explained to Jon, in MAG132, that she had been planning to kill him after The Unknowing. And she had wished for Elias’s death for a long time (MAG082: “One day, someone is going to kill you. I really hope it’s me.”): could she go after Jon? After Elias in the Panopticon?

- I’m still curious about the “death” status: Jon mentioned that people getting killed wouldn’t stay “permanently” dead. Are they meant to respawn at some point? Go to another domain? Does it also apply to Trevor, since Jon wasn’t the one to kill him? (Julia, however, apparently died before the apocalypse if it was only one week after the attack on the Institute – that’s two weeks before the apocalypse – so… bye.)

- Basira’s attempt to avoid the subject huuuuurts, and I like how Jon, as he is now, is able to carry much more “nuance”, precisely, and to point out… well, how things are rarely dichotomic, and how it’s easy to completely ignore someone’s circumstances and own problems as soon as you label them as “the bad guy”:

(MAG177) BASIRA: [SIGH] Noah Thomson. That… nasty piece of work. Crossed him a few times when we weren’t doing sectioned work. Last I heard, he’d dodged a GBH charge Daisy brought him in on. Blinded a guy during a robbery. I guess she didn’t forget. MARTIN: Wait. Wait, so… so, she’s hunting down criminals? People who she… thinks got away with stuff? BASIRA: … Sure. ARCHIVIST: Really? As simple as that? BASIRA: What’s your point? ARCHIVIST: What, you think he ended up in Wonderland House at random? We’re just going to ignore it, and write him off as a “nasty piece of work”? BASIRA: We don’t have time for this. ARCHIVIST: Then we should make time. You want to hear how he ended up blinding that man? Because it wasn’t a robbery. He was running away from Daisy, lashing out in a panic. The court believed it. But you believed her… BASIRA: [ANGRY] I told you not to look in my head! ARCHIVIST: I didn’t. And I won’t. But you can’t hunt a monster that you refuse to see.

* Not only did Daisy try to charge him with lies, not only did Basira believe her (while justice had sided with him!); it is indeed especially relevant that he was encountered in this domain, where people are denied the help that they would require. When it came to Daisy, Basira simplified things a lot and created another “us” vs. “them” separation… which wasn’t fair and didn’t work. 

* I like that Jon’s understanding of Basira is not entirely provided by his powers: by now, it feels like he’s learned to know her, her flaws and weaknesses, but also to keep in mind how things are more complicated than he would have liked to believe. In season 1, Jane Prentiss had been a monster terrorising them; by season 4, Jon had read enough stories about avatars to know that they tended to be, initially, vulnerable and/or isolated people lured in by a deceptive comfort, power, or their will to survive. It still means something that he wants to talk Basira out of her mindset, is still trying to help her to understand unpleasant bits of reality (even if it hurts her, since it requires her to change… a big portion of how she had grown to conceptualise the world).

* It’s almost verbatim another scene from the series:

(MAG118) ELIAS: Martin, I do not have time for this. MARTIN: Then maybe you should make time.

(MAG177) BASIRA: We don’t have time for this. ARCHIVIST: Then we should make time.

How bad does it have to be, for her to be “Elias” in a verbal squabble?

- Jon’s “You can’t hunt a monster that you refuse to see” is SUCH a powerful line, and I feel like it’s really summarising Basira’s main flaw… and potentially what might be literally happening. Basira can’t manage to catch up to Daisy: I had wondered whether it was because Basira was holding back, unsure that she would be able to kill her… but maybe it’s, plainly, because she’s never be able to directly see Daisy’s actions for what they were, to understand Daisy’s guilt and who was Daisy in season 4. Basira, through her silence, complacency and willing ignorance/denial, both enabled and was complicit in Daisy’s monstrosity; maybe now, in this universe working on dream-logic, Basira can’t reach her because the concept of Daisy has always escaped her.

- It’s interesting that in the episode, different terms were used to describe Martin’s and Basira’s feelings towards respectively Jon and Daisy: Martin “trusts” Jon (to not look into his head), Basira “believed” Daisy’s words. In a lot of ways, Basira and Martin’s situations share similarities (caring for someone powerful, who has the capacity to do a lot of harm). But Martin was able to draw clear lines and get critical of Jon’s behaviours when it was getting monstrous (attacking people in season 4), without being absolutely perfect either – he did push Jon to “smite” avatars this season without taking into consideration the harm it could do to Jon and what it meant on an ethical level, but he also ended up accepting Jon’s reluctance and agree that if Jon didn’t feel like it was the right thing to do, then it wasn’t. They’re anchors in that regard, too, grounding each other to prevent them from drifting away.

Meanwhile, Basira�� was ready to tolerate Daisy’s actions, as long as it didn’t happen in front of her or to someone she liked a bit (MAG091: “I know what you do here. […] You’re not that subtle. But I… I always thought you just killed monsters.”). Daisy’s actions as a Hunter in the police were both atrocious in themselves, but also through the complacency of her superiors and colleagues, including Basira:

(MAG082) ELIAS: I was wondering. Is it worth it? Operating the way that you do? DAISY: Just answer the question. ELIAS: Does the lack of oversight make up for the lack of support? […] Please, Detective Tonner. You don’t want this to happen in the police station any more than I do. Your superiors, exactly how aware are they of what you’re doing right now? DAISY: They know enough. They got a call and sent me down here. That’s how it works. ELIAS: And then they don’t ask any questions, as long as you keep it far away from official police channels. Except your partner leaving has made you sloppy. […] Here’s what’s going to happen. I’m going to make a statement. Your statement. To prove to you what I know, and because I want John to hear it someday. And when it’s over, you are going to leave. Because if you don’t, I’ll make sure your superiors know all about every nasty little thing you’ve done in the name of peace and order, and I’ll make sure they are subject to the scrutiny they so desperately want to avoid. More importantly, I’ll make sure they know it has all been exposed because of you. Is that clear? […] Feel free to see yourself out. If you take any action against myself or this Institute, I will ensure the police become aware of your crimes in a way that cannot ignored or covered up.

(MAG092) ELIAS: Allow me. She rightly suspected that I held evidence of various murders she had committed, and that I sent this to her superiors. DAISY: … ELIAS: She’s quite the killer, your partner. All in the public good, of course. And she was correct, I spent some time acquiring that evidence. Or creating it. And while your superiors don’t much care about the killings, the fact there is proof… They’re not happy. And they want you brought in. […] You think you’re the only police officer eager to do violence and call it justice? No, there are plenty of other rabid dogs out there, mad with the Hunt.

(MAG132) DAISY: I hurt… a l–lot of people… and some who… who I shouldn’t have. Did you ever hear the, the story Elias told me? About what I did. How I am… He, he didn’t get a detail wrong. The Hunt… Hunger was in me all my life. Telling me who to chase, how to hurt them. I never needed to think… who I was outside of that. But down here, where I… I can’t hear the… blood anymore, I d–, I don’t… I don’t know who I am without, without the chase… I just know… that I… I don’t like who I was back outside. I don’t want to be her again. I want… to be… better… [PANTS] Y–you know what I thought wh–when I woke up here? I thought this was hell; I wa–, I was dead, and within hell. And I… eh, I–I knew I deserved it… I don’t want t–to be a s–sadistic predator again… I–I don’t want to… hobble around, like some pathetic, wounded prey either… I don’t know which would be worse. And I’m sc–scared, now, that I’ll never get the choice…

(MAG142) MARTIN: Not nice being interrogated, is it? DAISY: I… [EXHALE] Oh. MARTIN: Yeah. [SILENCE] DAISY: [INHALE] I’m sorry, Martin. MARTIN: It’s alright. Wasn’t you. [INHALE] Not really. DAISY: No, it was. I hate… a lot of what I did back then; doesn’t mean I’m not… responsible for it, doesn’t mean it… wasn’t me.

(MAG153) DAISY: They’re not gone yet. We could still get them. [RUSTLING OF CLOTHES] ARCHIVIST: Daisy, no. It’s like you say. “Don’t listen to the blood.” DAISY: [SLOWER BREATHES] … “Listen to the quiet”… ARCHIVIST: Even so, if it’s having this much of an effect on you– DAISY: I’m not going back. I can’t let it in again. ARCHIVIST: But it– … What if it kills you? DAISY: [CHORTLE] Always said I was dedicated to justice…! ARCHIVIST: Daisy! It’s not… You can’t think like that. DAISY: Jon. Do you have any idea how much damage you can do if you’re a police officer who wants to hurt people? How much the system will protect you? ARCHIVIST: [SHARP INHALE] DAISY: I managed to keep most of it from Basira, but… ARCHIVIST: That wasn’t you, that was The Hunt! DAISY: … [SIGH] We were the same. [SILENCE] ARCHIVIST: … You’d never known anything different. [SILENCE] DAISY: Because I never wanted to. All that time trapped was good for one thing: thinking. And I did a lot of it. I’ve made my choice.

(MAG155) BASIRA: I’m trying to convince her to go after them. To, er… “Hunt” them. ARCHIVIST: Why? BASIRA: Because I’m not going to lose her. ARCHIVIST: She goes Hunting again, you might anyway. BASIRA: And if she doesn’t, she might die. ARCHIVIST: Something you’re fine with in certain other cases. And something she’s made peace with. BASIRA: Because of the guilt she feels over the stuff The Hunt made her do…! It’s not her fault. ARCHIVIST: Earlier, when she was still out of it, I, uh… I “saw” some of the things she was talking about, some of the things she did, while she was police. I’m not convinced I disagree with her assessment. [PAUSE] Do you want me to tell you? BASIRA: No. No, I don’t. ARCHIVIST: … You knew, didn’t you? You knew the sort of things she did, and you let her. BASIRA: No, not exactly. I thought… [PAUSE] It’s not that simple. ARCHIVIST: It never is. But that doesn’t make it okay. [SILENCE] BASIRA: None of us are who we were, Jon. [SILENCE] ARCHIVIST: No. I suppose not. In many ways, it’s simpler now, isn’t it? At least now, our demons have names. BASIRA: Mm.

Basira felt harsh, in this episode, but the episode was equally harsh on her, with Jon trying to push her to change her mindset and to realise what wrongs had been committed, what the situation truly had been. It feels like we might be getting there, though? Basira had spiralled for the worse in season 4, but didn’t really get an arc of her own so far, and everything has been laid out for it now. (It also… helps me to make peace with Daisy’s likely fate, if the promise is fulfilled and she is killed as part of Basira’s acceptance of what Daisy had done and what Basira had allowed to happen?)

(- Regarding Basira’s harshness and the fact that she tends to throw herself into trying to do something without thinking it through:

(MAG117) BASIRA: I don’t want to be here. But by the end, I didn’t want to be police either, so… guess I don’t really know what I do want, which… maybe that’s just as well. My options… they’ve gotten a lot narrower over the last year. […] And if it’s anything like when we went after Rayner, it’s going to get bad. The sort of bad you can only get through if you stay focused and keep a clear head. You choke down the fear, and not because it’s feeding some weird horrible god like Jon thinks, but because that’s how you keep going.

(MAG119) BASIRA: Don’t panic. Don’t panic. Just close your… Ignore it. ignore the, uh… don’t listen. Focus. Think. This is a place. You are you and you’re in a place now. If… if it’s a place, and it’s now, then… then… then it has an end. The other things, the… […] Good! Then… then keep moving. Keep moving until you find another place. A place you know… just keep moving. Keep moving.

(MAG128) BASIRA: Do you know how I survived the… The Unknowing? ARCHIVIST: I… No. No, I don’t. BASIRA: No powers, no… magic or… help. I was trapped in that place, and so I tried to figure it out. And I did. A little. So I kept doing it. I kept going through until I got out. I… reasoned my way out of that nightmare. ARCHIVIST: Good lord… BASIRA: Then everything ended, and Daisy was gone. And you were gone. And Tim. And then I got back to the Institute, and Martin send me to meet the new boss. Then I stood alone in an empty office for more than one hour. I can trust me, Jon. That’s it.

(MAG142) MARTIN: Would have thought Basira would’ve had more sense, though. DAISY: When Basira and I were partners, I’d see this happen sometimes. She can read a… situation like no one I know, always seems to know the right move, but for all her research, she never wants to put a plan together. I think she just hates all the unknowns, the… variables. [SIGH] Contingencies. If she spots an advantage, she’ll… grab it, and trust herself to figure out the details as she goes. MARTIN: Hm. DAISY: It’s worked so far.

(MAG146) BASIRA: No. No, if he is being controlled, we need to know. And we need to know now. Do you know where she is? ARCHIVIST: H… Not… not properly, I, I think she has some connection to Hill Top Road. BASIRA: Then we go. Now. [SHUFFLING] Unless anyone has any objections? […] Daisy? DAISY: … Be better if we could prepare. MELANIE: I–I just think that… we shouldn’t be exposing ourselves like this until we have a little bit more than a hunch…! ARCHIVIST: She does have a point. MELANIE: I didn’t ask you. BASIRA: ‘Kay, fine. I’ll go, then. I’ll do some recon on my own and update you.

(MAG155) BASIRA: No sign of Annabelle either. ARCHIVIST: You’re still on that? BASIRA: You’re not? ARCHIVIST: … I–I mean, I don’t know how much she can predict or manipulate the future, but I think she’s proven she can at least avoid us finding her. BASIRA: Yeah, well. It makes me feel better. ARCHIVIST: I suppose that’s something.

Given how that’s also what she did upon discovering that the world had “ended”, it sounds more and more like a coping mechanism to not have to deal with everything else, and/or to get back a semblance of control… I’m remembering what she had said about her father’s life-lessons:

(MAG117) BASIRA: I don’t know. I feel kind of bad. Everyone seems to be having a much worse time of it than me, and I was meant to be the hostage. It’s amazing, how much you can ignore when you keep your head in a book. Mf! My dad would hate me talking like this. He couldn’t stand people who just passively moaned about their problems. He always said: “If you don’t like something, you accept it and you adapt; or your fight and you change it. Whining doesn’t help.” I’ve always tried to live like that, but I think sometimes… you feel like you’re adapting, but… it’s just denial. But not anymore. I’m going to fight and change it. I just hope I’m not heading into the wrong battle.

… And back then, it hadn’t really struck me as a potentially toxic mindset. I mean, it’s supposed to be inspiring, but it’s also… so dichotomic. Either you shut up and accept, either you actively fight: there always will be cases where it’s more complicated than this, where you can’t really do either. And it feels like Basira tried really hard to live through these words, without accepting that they weren’t really working because the world is a way more complex place than this…

I’m really/curious excited, because with the way Jon kept pushing for her to understand how keeping her eyes closed and following a pure binarism had been her fatal flaws, it really seems like we’re heading towards something. Crossing fingers for a Basira mini-arc/inner-journey before everything bursts into flames!)

- … On another note, Helen, your entrance, please.

(MAG177) [TENSE SILENCE] [SOUND OF AN ELEVATOR ARRIVING WITH A SUDDEN, SHRILL “BING”] MARTIN: [SURPRISED GASP] [DISTORTION SOUNDS] HELEN: Not interrupting anything, am I? MARTIN: Christ, Helen, you scared the life out of me! HELEN: [INSINCERE] Sorry darling. ARCHIVIST: Not now, Helen.

Best and Worst entrance at the same time.

I didn’t really hear static, this time around? Like, the usual distortion sounds were there, but not the fuzzy static? Is it because they were already in a Spiral domain?

Her playfulness was off the charts this time, and OOFT:

(MAG177) BASIRA: Can’t have been that bad. MARTIN: I– … What? BASIRA: You look fine to me. MARTIN: [INDIGNANT] Excuse me?! BASIRA: Whole and healthy with a shoulder to lean on every step of the way!

[…] BASIRA: Really don’t need your opinion on this. HELEN: Good to see you too, Basira! You’re looking well.

She felt absolutely untrustworthy, in such a cartoonish way… that actually, it probably would have been fine to take her on her offer right now, if expecting to be deceived?

(MAG177) HELEN: I can offer a shortcut. Take you right to that murder machine you call a partner. MARTIN: Basira… Jon can’t go through Helen’s doors, we, we couldn’t come with you. HELEN: Basira is a strong, independent woman. She doesn’t need you two holding her hand. Anyway, it’ll be dead quick. Two minutes, door-to-door, quick shot to the back of Daisy’s head, and we’ll be home before you know it! ARCHIVIST: … You just heard what The Spiral does to people, you can’t… trust her. HELEN: Urgh, nonsense! Martin can vouch for me. You and– what’s-his-name went through Michael’s door, right? And he was rubbish compared to me. MARTIN: … We were in there for two weeks…! HELEN: Exactly! And you’re just fine! Better than fine, flourishing! MARTIN: … You really don’t care, do you? HELEN: Alright, be like that. [FOOTSTEPS] Under new management, anyway. [EXHALE] So what’s it going to be, Basira darling? Quick and easy? Or are you looking to take the long way round as the third wheel?

* It’s… suspicious that Martin ended up explaining/reminding to the audience the Jon Problem about him being unable to go through Helen’s door without likely destroying her in the process. It feels like someone will end up inside soon…? (Also yay for Martin once again stating that if Jon can’t go, it means that they can’t go!)

* Helen’s “dead quick” is awful, I hate it.

* Martin, forgiving and forgetting? NO AHAHAHA RESENT AND REMEMBER:

(MAG080) MARTIN: Sorry? Sorry, what? How can you not care!? TIM: Because this is us now. Worms. Monsters. Corridors. They’ll keep happening until one of them kills us and we’ve just got to deal with it. [SIGH] … Any sign of the woman…? MARTIN: I don’t think so. [PAUSE] We should have helped her.

(MAG082) MARTIN: I told you that there was someone else there. It may… DAISY: Which one should we be asking, by the way? The man with the knife hands or the woman trapped in your “magic corridors”? MARTIN: It happened.

(MAG117) MARTIN: Hey, hey, I mean what’s normal, right? Is living in an old document storage normal? Is losing a friend and not even noticing normal? Corridors? Evil all-seeing managers? I suppose you can get used to anything, but…

(MAG118) MARTIN: [DRY LAUGHTER] Dignity? Alright, yeah; like the dignity of being trapped in your flat by worms, or sleeping in the Archives, clutching a corkscrew! Or– or fetching drinks for the thing that murdered your friend without you even noticing…! Laughing at all their little jokes, then being left to wander impossible corridors for weeks!

… Helen’s lack of respect for Tim, though :w (Peter had also shown some trouble with remembering his name, in MAG158…)

* Squinting hard at Helen saying that Martin is “flourishing” and adding that “Under new management, anyway”: was it referring to herself (as The Distortion’s new management, since she just mentioned Michael having been “rubbish”)? To Martin’s own Fear alignment…?

I’m glad and relieved that Basira refused her offer, even if it’s purely motivated by strategy ;; (And I’m amazed that Martin hadn’t noticed how much fun she’d been having until now – she… doesn’t seem to be getting worse? She’s just consistently casually awful.)

(- I’m wondering if Helen’s “Especially now you’ve got… someone else to do the intense, driven thing. I think you might need to get a new schtick!” was purely gratuitous or a very direct jab… Right now, Jon&Martin’s quest to the Panopticon feels like it has been put to a stop, to allow them to focus on Daisy. The way Helen put it, it seemed as if it was convenient for Jon to not have to handle the “driven thing” anymore at the moment…? Is Jon actually reluctant to reach the Panoptitute, just like Basira might be sabotaging herself from reaching Daisy through nightmare logic…?)

- Once again, the episode ends with Jon leading the way, which he’s done a lot since coming out from The Lonely with Martin in MAG159. It makes sense, since he has the knowledge and a better understanding of the domains compared to the others, but I wonder if there will be a point, this season, when Jon will have to follow someone else instead of taking the lead?

- Amongst the things which were not mentioned this episode and had involved Basira:

* The fact that the “kid” avatar that Jon&Martin encountered was Callum Brodie. Basira had been involved in the mission to rescue him from the kidnapping orchestrated by The Dark, and Martin was aware of that when they met Callum in MAG172. Yet, he didn’t namedrop him in front of her, in this episode.

* Jon mentioned that Elias had manipulated them, but not how it had been done, and that it had required to get him marked by the Fears. Basira was directly pushed by Elias to go to Svalbard, where Elias knew that the Dark Sun resided, on the pretext that they might be attempting a ritual there. If Basira hadn’t listened to Elias, or had shared who was her source with the others… maybe they could have averted that mark for a little while longer.

* They didn’t mention that Jonah launched the apocalypse through a letter which had been hidden amongst the statements that Basira had sent to Jon. (No mention of the tapes either: though Jon&Martin had already understood that Basira wasn’t behind them by the beginning of season 5, Basira might have confirmed that it indeed wasn’t her).

=> That’s a few instances where Basira’s actions had “complicated” consequences and made her an (unwilling) contributor to the Fear business and Jonah’s plans. I wonder if these little details and pieces of information will be revealed to her soon? They… could hurt her a lot, while still helping her to see how the situation is not as simple as she wanted to believe (the victim she had helped to save was a bully and turned into an avatar torturing other kids; her fear of another ritual led to Jon’s second-to-last mark; either she didn’t pay enough attention to the statements she was sending, either the package was compromised before reaching its destination, leading to Jonah’s letter trapping Jon).

MAG178’s title is hard! It makes me think of something Gerry had told Jon, but also possibly of administration-stuff. Elias and/or Rosie stuff? Something about Daisy’s list of preys? Domain with a “minor” fear to show, like with the Extinction, how Smirke’s categorisation didn’t work all that well? Something about the deaths not being permanent? Beholding domain or statement, demonstrating the way it’s a bit more important than the other Fears in this new world?

[saltymcsaltything]

So tired of being in pain and simultaneously being in a mental fog that keeps me from taking care of myself.

I wake up everyday with my joints and muscles aching. My nerves randomly decide to light up like thermite and make me wake up screaming. My stomach is an absolute fucking mess constantly. I am depressed and anxious 100% of the time and I can't remember what I need to do or what I have done.

Did I take my meds and supplements? Have I drank my water? Where the fuck did I leave my water? Why am I in the kitchen. Why can't I find anything in this house anymore? When was the last time I brushed my teeth, washed my face, showered? When did I last eat something? What was it, and was it something that is going to mess up my guts? What did I eat in the last two days that has me trapped in the bathroom? Was there wheat in that? Did I eat any of a dozen vegetables that I love but shouldn't eat because they wreck me?

And household chores? I hate them now. If it isn't something that requires careful attention, it means my anxiety-riddled mind declares open season to start thinking of every bad thing in my life, and when it runs out of those everything that is wrong in the world. Queue the panic attacks, flashbacks and dissociative episodes. There goes the next 2 hours while I collapse and breakdown or stare at the wall and go bye bye. I think I prefer the dissociation, at least it's a break from the pain.

Try to do something that requires focus? Can't even start. If I somehow manage I forget the steps, or forget which steps I've already done. Guaranteed to fuck something up. Failure? That's game over for the rest if the day. Time to shutdown. Maybe I'll go to sleep.

Sleep? Don't make me laugh. Lie down and mind goes brrrrr. Get up and distract myself. Maybe have a drink. Oops, forgot I took a Xanax a couple hours ago to make it through my grief support group. Now Im fucking wasted and feeling sick. Stupid stupid stupid. At least that turns off the nightmares. Yay for accidentally mixing alcohol and controlled substances. Would have been even more fun if it was muscle relaxers instead so I could be a drooling mess for the next 18 hours.

There's another wasted day. You know what sucks? I can't even do yoga or meditation anymore, and I used to love that so much. Savasana was my jam. But I can't do a good routine that wears me out the right way to calm my mind, because every move hurts too much no matter how I modify it. And so can't meditate if I can't physically calm myself first, because mind go brrrrr when I try, and I'll have a panic attack or dissociate. Closest I get to exercise these days is pacing and rocking, or getting some of that good sitting still with my uncontrolled anxiety cardio action.

What the fuck am I supposed to do? I don't even know where to start with this shit. There's too many moving parts with all this shit and I'm just so done with it. This has been building up for almost a decade, but the last 5 years have been hell because that's when my life essentially blew up.

I'm in therapy, but just when I think I'm learning to cope, some new terrible event happens and I fall apart again. Coping skills? I forget how to do them. Deep breathing? Oh yeah, now I'm focused on doing something critical to survival in a way that feels unnatural, and if I try to go back to breathing normally I can't remember how. Now I have to actively to breathe until something distracts me enough to break me out of it. Mindfulness? Carefully observing everything to try to focus on the present moment? That used to work, but now the calm narration gets shouted down by the heckling critic. "Look at you acting like you can function if you just put your mind to it, you broken piece of shit. Stop pretending you can actually focus or think. It ain't gonna happen. Nothing works and you know it. You're done, give up. Just crawl into a hole somewhere so nobody can see you fall apart."

Fucking hell, how is functioning as a middle aged person so fucking hard? I'm about as emotionally mature as a toddler at this point. The world makes no sense to me anymore and I have no idea why people can be so casually awful to each other. I don't understand anybody else's behavior or motivation to be absolute hateful asshole garbage bastard shit weasels, and everything anyone says to me feels like an attack no matter what their intentions might be.

Wasn't this supposed to get easier as I got older and wiser? Wasn't being sorta financially secure and taking care of all the basic needs supposed to reduce the stress? How can betrayal and grief and illness completely derail my entire life? Why am I so fucking weak?

And why can't I stop screaming into the void?

[polkscastle]

That New Pokemon Direct, Though (My Thoughts)

Pokemon is now 25 years old!! With this momentous occasion, we have received a new Direct video about Pokemon's up-and-coming developments!! It came and went in a snap but, still gave us a look at a brilliant and shining future, while providing a taste of a legendary history. My Thoughts: ----- New Pokemon Snap: I don't believe I have ever talked the Pokemon Snap revamp on this site so, here we go. I've never played the original Pokemon Snap game so, I have no personal nostalgia for this spin-off. However, I am kind of excited for it. I think it could be a full little side adventure. No battles, no enemy teams, no big save-the-world journey; just looking for Pokemon doing fun Pokemon things and taking pictures of em. Sweet!! I may or may not actually buy it on release (I'm trying to be tighter with my budgeting). Still, I hope it turns out to be fun for a lot of people. Brilliant Diamond and Shining Pearl: OoooooooooooooOOoooOO!! THIS IS IT!! We've finally got some Gen 4 love in here!! No joke, Generation 4 is my all time favorite era of Pokemon. Diamond was the first main game I ever played and was what really drove me into becoming a full on Pokemon fan. This maybe fueled by blind Nostalgia but, SWEET ARCEUS, I AM HYPED AS HELL!! That said though, I do feel I need to address some criticism/concerns I have as well: - I will count myself among those who expected GameFreak to give us the same game story of the originals delivered with the graphics/art style of the current generation, like with previous remakes. Color us surprised when we're shown gameplay footage and see the return of chibi-fied overworld characters and grid-based environments. Now this really isn't an issue for me. I don't need the end-all-be-all of video game visuals as long as the game can still function properly. Honestly, I kinda missed the little blocky little overworld people. They were cute. Still, it's bit weird that the main games of the two most recent generations have consistent full scale models and more organic environment layouts but, these remakes appear to be recreating the old games' style as closely and as strictly as possible. Why this is, maybe explained more by my next point. - Despite being co-directed by Masuda himself, the remakes are not being developed by GameFreak's staff but, by a partner company, ILCA. This has me concerned. Not that I think that they'll do poorly or change the games in any bad ways. They're already working off of a solid template. However, that is my concern. That since they're not the usual staff, they're going to be too cautious with changing anything from the original games. Whether out of reverence to Masuda and GameFreak or, out of fear of the nostalgia blinded fans, they'll stick strictly to adapting Diamond and Pearl exactly as they already were. I know that is kind of the point of remakes and remasters (giving old and new fans another chance to play the original) but, since I've already played the originals, I wouldn't mind some alterations. I like it when a remake can look at its older self, keep and enhance what was great about it, change or take out what doesn't hold up well anymore, add some new things for little spice, and ultimately give its consumers a fresh new take on a older property. Things like the Delta Episode (a new epilogue adventure building off the old main story) were my favorite parts of playing through Alpha Sapphire. So, I am hoping for something like that to appear in these games. However, this is just the announcement. I can't truly say that GameFreak/ILCA sticking so close to originals (if that is indeed what they're doing) is a pro or a con for these remakes until I play them. And yes, I will be playing these remakes because my love for Gen 4 is that strong!! One of my main boys isn't a Luxio for now reason!! Heck, I've even thought about streaming my playthrough of it!! Nah, never mind. No one would watch that. Still, I am a bit disappointed that I won't be able to explore a full-scale, open area Sinnoh region... ...unless... Legends Arceus: OH MY... okay, just listen. Within the back corners of my mind, this is the Pokemon game I always wanted. A Pokemon adventure taking place in a far earlier time in the world's history; SIGN ME UP!! Years ago when I tried coming with ideas for a fake Pokemon game, my biggest idea was an adventure that was half set in the past (time travel shenanigans. I blame Pokemon 4ever and its steampunk Pokeballs). So far, I love what I am seeing of the game. The old world versions of the Gen 4 protagonists look great and, I'm stoked to see an untamed version of Sinnoh. What's the story? How does Arceus come into play? Could the story possibly be about the older conflict between Dialga and Palkia? This actually gives me hope that Legends will continue on as a series with the other regions!! Possibly even one for Johto that depicts the story of the Legendary Beast Trio... ...please? No major criticisms or concerns so far, except maybe two. First is that, from what we were shown in the trailer, the game still needs polishing. The overworld Pokemon animations look a little janky to me. Second, and by far the most important thing, is HOW DARE YOU MAKE THE STARTERS THREE FAVORITES OF MINE!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CHOOSE!!!???? ----- TLDR; I thoroughly enjoyed the new developments shown in this Direct but, I'd still like to keep up an attitude of cautious optimism for these new releases. They may not end up being perfect but, I'd like to keep hoping they'll still be enjoyable to play. Thank you for stopping by, Friends. Hope you're all staying safe and well. Have a wonderful day. ^w^ (*sigh* that was a long one. Thank Arceus, I no longer have to deal with all those nagging REMAKE GEN 4 comments ever again... ...they've already started screaming about Gen 5 now, haven't they?)

[buddha-in-disguise]

This is how it's done

Episode 5.15 at last.

While the emphasis has been on Nia's story in this episode, the synopsis made it clear Alex, Kelly and J'onn had a secondary storyline running as well. So again we were eager to watch knowing they were finally getting more than a token few minutes together.

Did it deliver?

Oh hell yes.

You just have to look on Twitter to see the praise being heaped on it by fans.

But first let's get the elephant in the room out of the way. William.

The opening sequence as Kara is fighting with Nia, and Nia has to be the one reminding Kara she has a date? Already covered by me and others, but to reiterate: that does not give a vibe of someone excited to be going on a first date. You can't even use the excuse of her mind was on the fight, because so was Nia's.

As to Kara at her apartment with Alex prior to the date?

Those words, "Cancel it for me."

Lets say (for arguments sake) it is nerves again speaking. Maybe it is, but that she is even having those thoughts? That she completely forgot about the 1st date, and needed reminding? If Kara can't get invested in the date, how are the audience expected to become invested?

As for the date itself. Kara arrives.... having been told by Alex to wear the blue top because .... well reasons .... and she is wearing the purple? So, not wanting to go with the best look then?

I didn't mind the date per se, although I did wonder if Kara was simply trying to not show pool skills, because I can't believe for a second, with Alex as a sister, and the control Kara now has on her powers (worry over lack of control would be the only other reason for her hesitation that I can think of), Kara hasn't been pulled into playing many times.

Did I get a date vibe? No. I felt more bonding yes (like why has it taken until now to even vaguely have that much), but date? Nope. Still not feeling it. If any of the above was a one off instance, you could shrug it off. But all of them? Sorry but as I say, if Kara isn't that invested in a first date, then we can't be expected to be as invested. However, that isn't to say that William annoyed me. In truth having him more on the sidelines was a relief as it finally allowed others to get some much needed screen time.

The Nia storyline.

This is obviously one extremely close to me, as my husband is transgender, and we have other family who are also transgender.

Nicole's input was definitely felt. Some of the lines she spoke were ones we have said ourselves almost word for word.

This is a topic that is one I've been extremely vocal about, and one in particular I have spoken about (in the William and Kara at CatCo scene) is the figures for transgender people killed in the last year alone in the USA, but more importantly that this number is likely not a true representation as many who die are misgendered after death.

It was so important to show just how bad for the transgender community it is. And no, it wouldn't necessarily be a fact Kara would know. Even those in the LGBTQ community aren't always aware of these figures. As for William being the one stating the figures back to Kara, again in the context I had no qualms about it. In fact having a CIS straight man write the piece and be a supportive ally is an important message in it's own right. I was worried that wouldn't come across, but I felt it did.

If ever there was a line that spoke volumes in this weeks Supergirl episode it was this:

"They want us to be invisible because of their own fears, they want to erase us so...... we need to shine even brighter." - Nia Nal

And shine Nicole Maines (and Roxy Wood, because the additional line about being a Black transgender woman - take my heart, stomp over it, then expect me to function), did. Both deserve so much praise on the way they delivered their performances.

I genuinely cried at some of this weeks episode, because the experiences have been ones we have faced as a transgender household. Being white does afford us a privilege that Black transgender people (especially the women) don't have. But as I say, it has been something I've been vocal about for a long time.

Lastly Kara and Nia on the balcony. Holy mother of god (or goddess), tears. Again. Nicole and Melissa once again were so good it felt like a punch to the gut. Kara wiping that tear off Nia's cheek. Big ugly sobbing from me. Gah! Just ....

Now Alex and Kelly. While I'm still craving a nice intimate atmosphere at home with them, having had so little of Dansen (and Kelly) it was a relief that for once Kelly wasn't given diminished screentime. Not only that, she was instrumental in helping Alex navigate through the VR world.

Alex having that PTSD flashback to being in the tank. Whoa, finally acknowledging it affected her and obviously still does. I loved how Kelly is so good at helping Alex maintain her equilibrium. You could tell it wasn't just because of her training or profession, but as a girlfriend who knows and understands how to communicate to Alex in that moment of stress, much like Alex was able to realise Malefic was manifesting as Kelly in the earlier part of the season, simply because she knew her girlfriend well enough.

Watching Alex train to get used to the Martian weapon, felt very reminiscent of S1 where Alex was training Kara early on. It was good to see her off balance for once in her training, as she has always shown a confidence in her ability until now. For those who complain she brought up wanting to be back at the DEO, as someone who has heavy military presence in our family (for at least 4 generations on my maternal side), I can safely say, going from military (and remember the DEO is recognised and spoken about in canon as being a military operation), and suddenly and unexpectedly thrown back into civilian life is one heck of an adjustment. It's an adjustment for most even when they know it's coming. To be so abrupt, so unexpected? Alex is going to want that structure back, and have that support around her. It is absolutely not unrealistic for her to feel this way or to talk about it. I would've been more surprised if she hadn't.

"And this is my gun."

Alex giving no crap. The whole rescue sequence was a joy to watch.

If I had a complaint, as I mentioned, I would've loved just a moment of real quiet intimacy between Kelly and Alex. We've barely seen anything of that sort. I hope we get something next episode (which also looks amazing from the trailer).

I could go through the episode and pick up so many times on how good it was. It was so much, I know I will have forgotten something I wanted to say. But I'm exhausted (almost no sleep will do that to you, damn being in the UK and these stupid o'clock viewing times), and it was so much to unpack.

Brainy, was barely in the episode but damn, so lovely (& heartbreaking) to see him give the information to the NCPD to help against transphobic attacks.

Onto a side plot, but finally we have more about Leviathan.

Leviathan have those bodies suspended.

What if William dies in 5.19 and becomes one of those suspended bodies for 5.20 or was supposed to, as Nicole mentioned on her Instagram story they still had scenes to film, and a couple were pretty amazing? With Staz back, would it have involved him, possibly as a sleeper agent? I've touted this idea before. While I would prefer that a MOC isn't cast into being a bad guy again, or killed off, I would more than happily see him simply go back to London and The Times. But I guess we wait to see what happens there.

But if, like Russell in 5a, he becomes an unwitting agent of Leviathan & a bad guy, cue fight scene, possibly in a VR setting? Maybe? Who knows.

Last but by no means least - they killed off Jeremiah. Since we're not entirely sure if Cadmus operated in the same way on Earth Prime as they did on Earth 38, we don't yet know the circumstances behind his death.

Will we get more explanation about it? Honestly I'm not overly bothered unless it helps serve a current storyline. Merely because episode numbers are running out, and it does at least bring us closure on his character one way or another. Something a lot of us have questioned for so long now.

As for complaints, the only ones expressing any real disappointment have been fans who have either regularly attacked other fans (especially those of in the SC or Dansen fandoms), or the outright transphobic users (I won't call them fans), who as the episode makes clear, are everywhere. The transphobes come out in force everytime with Nicole, so it isn't a surprise to see them again. As Nia says, it what transgender people face on a daily basis.

Plus with no Lena in the episode, it helps show that fans didn't need a Lena/Kara centric episode for this to garner such positive reactions, particularly from the LGBTQ fans. In some ways, as many have been saying (yes even SC fans), this Lena drama has long since gone by its sell by date and not having Lena once more stuck in her laboratory wasn't missed. And god, I say this as a huge Lena fan. I still want her on screen of course, but we need progression on what is happening with her. Both Lex and Lena have felt stale of late, and while I know it changes as we get into the last few episodes, I can truly say neither was missed this time. And before anyone jumps in, no this isn't bashing SC (I still ship both Dansen and SC, as well as Brainia), or saying SC shouldn't happen, or Lena is evil, or not needed. I don't think that at all. I merely am getting tired of a merry-go-round on Lena in her laboratory that we've had of late, & the only interaction has been with Lex. Time to break her out of that cell!

I don’t know what they were putting in the water in Vancouver when they did the Batwoman and Supergirl episodes this week, but they both had me simultaneously laughing & crying! It looked ugly for a minute there.

Both were outstanding episodes.

As much as I've had my criticism over some of this season, when Supergirl get it right like they did here, they soar! This was one of my top episodes for the entire series.

And despite all the news in the world right now, Supergirl trended on Twitter again.

Gif courtesy of @ Daily_danvers on Twitter.

[dopescotlandwarrior]

Bluegrass-Chapter Fourteen

                           Thank you @statell​ for all your help and wisdom

Previous chapter at AO3

Chapter Fourteen

Claire turned her back on the chaos around the stalls at Churchill Downs as she studied the stats of the horses she would race against. She had tremendous anxiety and Runner was crashing into her consciousness pestering her to race him, telling her he was the winner, asking where Sham was. Something in Claire broke;

“Goddammit Runner, stop it, I need to concentrate!”

Every head on her team turned to look at the woman who never raises her voice. It was an oddity and registered in their minds as only that, an oddity. Jason looked from Runner to Claire and wondered what he was supposed to stop doing to her since they were ten feet apart.

Jamie ran his hand down her back and looked closely at her, “are ye alright lass?”

“I’m okay, sorry Jamie, I am so tense like I’m having an anxiety attack.”

“Will ye walk wi’ me?” He took the program from her and pulled her off the corral bars. I think ye need to see this lass.”

She was still trying to read the program as Jamie pulled her outside where the sun blinded her. She saw nothing but a black blob in front of her eyes, but she could hear the crowd calling her name, yelling Midnight Runner. As her vision cleared, she saw so many fans. There had to be hundreds of them, waving to her and trying to get her to autograph something. One fan stuck a magazine into her hands and held out a pen, pointing to the pictures of her last race and many others before that. She signed as many as she could, noticing the picture of her and Runner in Florida with the ray of sun coming out of the cloud lighting up her embrace. She was stunned at the signs and banners for Midnight Runner. She looked up at Jamie with astonishment and he smiled at her.

Jason came out with Runner looking fancy in his matching Fuchsia checked hood and the crowd went crazy seeing the superstar horse. Jamie gave her a leg into the saddle and waited for that smile. This was the end of the prep races. If she won today, she was a contender for the Triple Crown nomination but more importantly to Jamie, one race away from quitting.

Claire watched Jamie fade into the crowd feeling a strange disconnection from his expression. She wondered what he was thinking about to look that way.

Runner was the last horse to load and was coming out next to the rail, a coveted starting position. He reared coming up to the gate and tried to buck as well. He refused to load, and the deafening crowd was starting to unravel Claire. The handler forced him in and now he was pissed off. Claire tried to get his attention, but he ignored her banging into the sides of the gate and trying to rear. Claire grabbed a handful of mane and suggested he use that energy beating the other horses.

When the gate slammed open Runner jumped out, ahead of the other horses surprising Claire. He turned on the speed right from the start and Claire tried to hold him back fearing he would have nothing left as the race went on. She felt him accelerate about every quarter mile running alone, several lengths ahead of the next horse. Claire tucked in and remained quiet with an empty mind. This was Runner's decision and she felt him accelerate again on the home stretch. He won easily staying ahead of the other horses who never caught him.

“Good job Runner.”

The rest of their time at the track was like walking through a fog. After the winner’s circle picture, Michael ran up behind her and threw her back up in the saddle telling her to ride up and down the home stretch, remove her helmet and wave to the crowd. She did as he said with a plastered-on smile. When she finally was led into the stall area she dismounted again, Jason took Runner, and Jamie steered her to a bench and made her sit.

He looked closely at her face, dirt-covered every inch except where her goggles were pressed against her head. With her elbows on her knees, it looked like she might fall over. Jamie flagged Michael down and talked a bit before taking her hand and pulling her to Michael’s car.

Claire said nothing during the drive. Jamie kept his hand on her knee and kept talking about the remarkable race feeling more and more worried about her. She didn’t seem to comprehend everything he was saying. When they stopped at a traffic light Jamie noticed her hands were shaking quite hard. He pulled a U-turn right there and took her to emergency. People aren’t used to seeing a female jockey in silks, looking like she just stepped off the track. They got a lot of looks from those in the hospital waiting room.

A woman passed by on her way out and stopped to talk to Claire asking if she raced today. Claire had a vague smile but otherwise did not respond or comprehend that a question had been asked.

Jamie was frantic now and ran to the nurse's station describing her symptoms. A wheelchair was brought out and Claire was taken directly to an examination room. The soft-spoken doctor asked Claire a dozen questions to which she answered none.

“Excuse me for stating the obvious Claire, but you are a jockey and you raced today, is that right?”

Claire looked at him with wide eyes and then she tried to lay down. Jamie was ready to lose his mind as he stood next to her and spoke softly reminding her that she won today. He looked at the doctor with complete helplessness.

“She has some mental confusion that will clear up quickly if I’m right about blood sugar being the cause. Someone will be in soon to take blood and then we’ll give her some juice.” He pulled a pamphlet out of the wall holder and handed it to Jamie and then left them alone.

“Whatever’s made ye sick lass, we’re gonna fix it, I promise.”

It seemed like an eternity that Jamie waited for the return of the doctor. Claire slept quietly and Jamie paced until he thought he would explode into a million pieces. The pamphlet described a condition where blood sugar dips below the level where the body can function normally. Easily treated with high sugar foods like juice followed by complex carbohydrates like pasta. On his third reading, the doctor came and woke Claire. She sat up and Jamie noticed her color was better and she seemed more alert. The doctor asked her several questions like her name, age, where she was born, looking to Jamie for confirmation now and then.

“Tell me about the race today.”

“We won, easily.”

“I am releasing you to a big pasta dinner eaten as soon as possible and before you are released, another juice box, please. Going forward you must eat throughout the day, small meals every two hours and always have something in your purse to eat or drink that will raise your blood sugar quickly. A nurse will go over all of this before you leave.”

Jamie dropped into a chair feeling relieved. The instructions for Claire’s condition sounded easy, she just had to include juice boxes when she was away from home. It was possible this was an isolated episode and it was possible there were underlying reasons for her blood sugar to crash. They would wait and see.

Jamie turned on his cell phone and there were numerous messages from Michael and Jason. Something must have happened to Runner! Jamie excused himself to run outside to call.

“Jamie, thank God. We are stuck at the racetrack. Something is wrong with Runner. When we loaded him in the trailer he freaked out and we barely got him out before he bashed his brain from rearing. He trashed the trailer, but I think it will get him home.

“I will see if I can speed up Claire’s release and we’ll get there right away.”

Jamie talked to the front desk about an emergency and Claire was released in twenty minutes. Jaime filled her in as they left and watched for cops on the road while he sped back to Churchill Downs.

They could hear Michael yelling at Runner when they walked into the stall area. He sounded stressed. They could hear vicious kicks to the walls on the stall and Claire started running.

“Runner!”

The colt stopped in his tracks and whinnied low in his throat. He walked to Claire as she opened the stall door and entered. He dropped his head for a scratch before he smelled her all over. He was sending images of him running with an empty saddle and then the same with her in the saddle. She cradled his head and hummed to him.

“Now I’ve seen everything.” Michael shook his head side to side with a scowl on his face. “What the hell Claire? He travels without you all the time so why turn into Diablo today?”

“I wasn’t feeling well during the race, he must have sensed it. Maybe that’s why he broke out early and ran for his life. Maybe he ran for mine. Let’s get you home to your girlfriend big guy.”

Claire snapped a lead on the colt and walked him outside and then into the trailer without incident. She snapped him into the cross ties and hugged him, “thank you for worrying about me Runner.”

Jamie looked at the dents in the trailer from one huge pissed off horse. He could do the work himself especially with three months of rest coming up. When he looked inside the trailer, he saw a very passive stallion ready for transport. He shook his head.

Jason went over the colt's legs inch by inch looking for cuts or welts from kicking just about everything in sight. He thought about how different his race was today, busting out ahead of the other horses and ran lengths ahead for the whole race. Claire didn’t stand in her stirrups when they won, she didn’t point at them with her crop and she was irritable all morning like Jason had never seen her. He looked at Runner, now docile in his stall. It happened the moment he saw her..the kicking and rearing stopped that second and he put his head in her arms. Jason shook his head and snapped out of it reminding himself that horses don’t talk or listen, and they certainly can’t diagnose health problems.

“Goodnight Runner.”

Jamie left Runner in Jason’s capable hands for his post-race routine and feeding. He was anxious to get Claire home and make pasta for her while she scrubbed off the hours-old dirt from the race. He was trying to relax about hypoglycemia but the change in her was so profound it was difficult. He poured the pasta into bubbling water and took out a jar of sauce to warm in the microwave. Things would get better now with a long break ahead and if she had another episode, he would pull Runner from the super-six and retire him to stud, letting Claire go back to her life as a veterinarian.

Claire peered at the pot and smiled at Jamie. She looked fresh and clean and smelled like heaven. She stood on her tiptoes to kiss him and was scooped up into his arms and laid on the couch where he devoured her in kisses. When he finally stopped, Claire was breathless and her eyes asked for more.

“It’s time to eat Sassenach. It’s what the doctor ordered and will most likely taste like garbage because I canna cook. You be a good lass and eat as much as you can, aye?”

They ate in silence for a while, made small talk, and discussed the race while Jamie did the dishes.

“It’s still early, would you give me a tour of your customization's? And start with how you found the time.”

Jamie was thrilled she was interested as he took great pride in his work and Isobel always hated it.

“In the beginning, it was a shell of a house really. Someplace to sleep and get out of the rain while I worked on the compound and buying stock. The broodmares and the stallions were young when I bought them, I had one mare of breeding age but that didn’t require a lot of my time. So I worked on the house. I hired local artisans to create the mantel and second banister up to the office. I bought wood for the office furniture, the steps, and the sun on the ceiling. Another artist for the shower in the guest bathroom upstairs. She set all the tiles out, painted the picture on them, and then cured them somehow to stand up to water. I love that picture of the Kentucky sunrise.

Jamie kissed her, “bored yet?”

“The chess table in the living room is Black Walnut inlay, how did you find a piece to fit so perfectly with your wood?”

“I made it, and my desk upstairs.”

Claire watched him while he talked and fantasized about his wide soft mouth on her. The kissing before dinner had a lingering effect.

“Sassenach?”

When she looked up her eyes were smoldering and her cheeks were flushed. Jamie picked her up and carried her upstairs where he kissed her with a purpose that thrilled both of them. Claire was starving for him and tried to remember the last time they had sex. She couldn’t remember and stopped trying. She lavished her love on him so sweetly at first, but her arousal was making her needy and she clutched at Jamie pulling him to cover her.

“I’m afraid I am a bit far gone for dalliance at the moment.”

Claire lifted her knees at Jamie’s side and made it clear she wanted him inside her. He watched her eyes as he moved slowly deeper into the wet warmth of her body. Each stroke pulled long, low moans from them both. Jamie flipped his body under hers without separating and he pushed Claire’s upper body against his raised thighs and spread her knees wide. When she found her rhythm, he touched her bud and stroked it lightly until she was ready to explode. She pitched forward with hands on his chest and let him drill her before sending her into orbit.

Jamie pulled Claire to his side and covered her face with kisses. Before he left to lock up the house, he pulled the quilt up. By the time he returned she was fast asleep. It had been a long and trying day.

Later in the week, Jamie made two trips to the airport, one for Michael and one for Jason. Both were excited to go home for the holidays. The following day, he was going stir crazy from the silence of his missing team. He was amazed he was done with his work by mid-afternoon. He thought about what mischief he could talk Claire into as he sifted quickly through the mail. He opened a large manila envelope from Nosh, a name he didn’t remember and out came three volumes of Sports Illustrated magazine and a handwritten note from the reporter to enjoy. Jamie thumbed through until he found the articles and pictures of Runner, the Superstar.

He grabbed the magazines intending to run up to the house and show Claire when he saw an official envelope from the Eclipse Award. He opened the letter and started reading as his smile creased his cheeks and his feet started running.

Claire was overjoyed to see him home, especially when he picked her up and spun her around before dropping her into a chair at the breakfast bar. He spread the magazines out and helped her find the pages of pictures and articles about Runner’s races and wins. She was over the moon until Jamie dropped the letter in front of her.

“Runner has won the Eclipse award mo chridhe, its the highest honor in horse racing and he is the second two-year-old in history to win! He is Horse of The Year! And it's all your fault.”

Jamie kissed her passionately and pressed his forehead to hers.

“Thank ye Claire. What ye’ve done has placed yer names in annals of racing history. I am grateful to ye both.”

He kissed her again and invited her for an early walk with the horses to enjoy a peaceful end to this amazing day.

“You never told me about how you fell in love with me. I would like to hear it.”

Jamie looked at his boots and smiled at the memory. “It started the day of the poisoning when ye fell into me and cried yer eyes out. In the middle of a huge chaotic effort to save horses ye just collapsed against me and sobbed. Ye were so small when I held ye to me. Ye were such a miracle to me. I decided right then if my whole life purpose was to be in that spot, at that time, so ye could cry into me I was okay with that.”

“The next incident I canna forget was watching ye set up a race against Runner. So patient ye were cause he kept trampling your line in the dirt. Watchin ye run and him dashing off to pass ye was so funny! I can’t remember how many days or weeks I had to hide when ye came to work with the colt but most of the time I was watchin ye not him.”

“We talked a bit at the rail one night with no one else around. I knew ye were different from other lasses I had known because ye were so calm, comfortable in yer own skin, my equal. There is nothin like a confident, beautiful woman. Once ye started ridin Runner I would help you with his bath and we would walk the fields and talk, remember? Ye knocked my socks off lass.”

“That’s the clean version but I’d be happy to share the fantasies I had while I was fallin for ye. C’mon Sassenach, let me tell ye in detail what we did in my head.”

Jamie was mauling her while he talked making Claire giggle uncontrollably and push him away. She reached for Runners halter and unsnapped the lead Jamie was holding, then did the same to Porcelain, slapping them both on the rump to get the party started.

It was like watching poetry in motion, the two of them galloping through the bluegrass. They sat on the fence and watched them as the sun was setting. When they walked toward the fence to leave the pasture two galloping horses stopped dead a few feet from them and gladly accepted the leads snapped to their halters again. It was dinner time.

Claire asked Jamie if he put up a tree for Christmas and he looked quite confused for a moment. He had been nearly isolated with Isobel for four years and she did not celebrate Christmas, at least not the decorating part. She would give him socks and a tie each year, unwrapped, and he would give her a gift certificate to her favorite store in town. It was all very sterile and emotionless. He would have stood on his head and spit nickels if she asked him to, so it wasn’t hard to convince him. The next night they picked out a twelve-foot, beauty of a tree. Claire seemed so happy with it and the next day she went into town and bought lights, ornaments, and a variety of other special things to put on the tree.

Claire had purchased a small living tree for Runner and Porcelain as well. She filled it with colored sugar cubes and candy canes and placed it on the shelf directly across from their stalls. Runner was stretching his neck to reach it and started kicking his corral bars in protest.

“You can’t eat it Runner. It’s a holiday decoration. You can stop trying, you can’t eat it.”

Claire pulled several sugar cubes for each horse and moved the tree to Jamie’s office.

“Sassenach, what is the purpose of the tree?”

“It’s for putting presents around underneath. When you wake up Christmas morning you open them.”

Jamie seemed completely unimpressed with such a tradition and went back to his work. Inside, he was delighted to watch the Sassenach’s joy. She was childlike in her Christmas happiness and it was infectious as he could feel it seeping into him. Life with this girl was an adventure every day and the kaleidoscope of emotions, love, joy, pride, anticipation, concern, were always with him. Not to mention crazy hot sex. He watched her move about his office making the tree look pretty and was overcome with a need to hold onto her, just for a minute.

Ten minutes of hot kissing later Claire called a time-out and escaped so Jamie could finish working. She laughed at his pout and went back to her project of hanging lights on the tree at home.

Through the next two weeks, Claire hunted for the right gifts for Jamie, Molly, and Lulu. She decided an engraved stethoscope for Dustin would be perfect and as she wrote it on her list, she suddenly scratched it out and spent the next several hours in a funk. How could she give a present to someone that wouldn’t speak to her?

On Christmas eve she made a delicious smelling roast with roasted vegetables and tiny lobster crackers to keep Jamie fed during her surprise. She filled the bathtub and set about creating a treat just for him.

Jamie could smell the roast from outside and smiled with delight. When he walked into the house, he blinked several times to adjust to the candlelight all over the lower floor. Then he saw Claire with a tiny flared skirt, tight sweater that revealed an inch of skin, amazing white stockings, and high heels. He was speechless watching her approach him. She kissed him warmly and handed him a whisky. He was trying to talk but the words were getting twisted in his mouth, so he just smiled and looked at every inch of her.

“I was hoping you would make a blazing fire.”

“Done. Then a shower so I don’t accidentally rub this horse smell on those clothes. God lass, yer beautiful.”

Claire busied herself with setting out the whisky and lobster crackers and Jamie was back with fresh clothes and the permanent smile. He could not remember a single time in his life when someone troubled themselves to make him happy like this. He felt very important to this spit of a girl and that filled him with love for her. They talked as Claire passed him crackers and whisky. When he declined another cracker, she sat on his lap and kissed him from collar bone to mouth and lingered there. Jamie’s hand ran up her leg loving the feel of the silk stockings. When he reached the lace band that held them up, he ran his fingers around it and under it while he kissed her passionately.

The fire was so gorgeous Claire didn’t want to leave the living room, ablaze with tiny lights on the tree, a dozen candles lit, and the roaring fire.

“I want room to move around this incredible body. Can we take this to the floor?”

Jamie looked like he was in a trance and jumped to lay the couch pillows on the floor and pour more whisky.

“Come here Sassenach. I want to show you how grateful I am for what you’ve done.”

Claire laid next to him and waited for him to find her surprise. It didn’t take long for his big warm hand to find its way under her skirt and his fingers played with the tiny beaded thong. When he ran his fingers underneath, he gasped with wide eyes.

“Sassenach.”

She pulled him back to her mouth as Jamie tried to compose himself. He wanted only one thing at that moment, to look under her skirt.

“We dinna want to ruin yer new skirt mo chridhe. Here, I’ll help ye take it off.”

Claire allowed him to remove her skirt and sweater before pulling his own shirt off. His mind had practically shut down except for his need to see under her thong. He kissed and sucked her breasts kissing down her stomach and abdomen until he could lick inside the thong driving Claire out of her mind. He pulled the thong slowly off her and stared at the sexiest image he had ever seen. She was bare except for a racing stripe that stopped right above her bud. He licked it and tried to pull back and look again but Claire pulled him to her begging for her release. Jamie pulled her legs over his shoulders and sent her to erotic oblivion. While she was gone, he looked at her until she opened her eyes again.

“If you get out of those pants, I have another surprise for you, if it works.” She giggled with her heavy speech and received his now naked kisses that we very intense.

During Claire’s shopping, she purchased a Cosmopolitan magazine that promised to heighten sexual pleasure and tone up on the inside at the same time. She bought it feeling adventurous and practiced all afternoon.

Jamie pushed into her slowly and let out a squeaky moan holding perfectly still. The next stroke was even better, and he growled with the sensation he was feeling. Continuing slowly was not an option and Claire’s body sent him reeling as he pounded into her.

When he could breathe again, he gathered Claire up in his arms feeling like he just went ten rounds with a sex goddess.

“I love ye, lassie.”

Claire was quite happy with her surprises for Jamie. The Kegel flexing seemed to add a new dimension to his feeling inside of her, just like the magazine promised. She heard him dozing behind her and slipped out to dress and finish dinner. She was very happy.

She looked at him sleeping, naked on the floor and admired his body for a few minutes. There were many times she would see him walk by or watch him with the horses and he took her breath away. His warm hand on her leg pulled her from her thoughts and she smiled down at him.

“Are you hungry handsome?”

Claire bounded down the stairs the next morning enjoying the scent of the tree with all the sparkling ornaments. She decided at that moment her life couldn’t get any better and bounced into the kitchen where Jamie was reading the paper.

“Merry Christmas Jamie!”

She pounded her coffee down and looked at him with a big smile.

“Are you ready to open presents? C’mon!”

She handed him her present and waited for him to open it.

“A fishing pole lass?”

“Yes, you will teach me to fish and we’ll rent a rowboat and hang out in the middle of the lake while we catch them. And this one is a tackle box! Oh, probably shouldn’t have told you.”

He stared at her for a moment too long making her nervous it was the wrong gift. She looked around the room and her stomach twisted in knots. What if he didn’t get me a present she thought? Well, this is awkward.

“Ye came out of nowhere and dropped into my life like a sparkler that never ends Sassenach.” His voice was reverent and his eyes studied her for several minutes.

“I have a present for ye lass.” Jamie stood up and walked her to the couch, but he couldn’t sit still so he paced.

“I hope I’m not wrong about what’s in yer heart mo chridhe. My heart is full of love for ye, more than I’ve ever felt in my life. I want to keep you with me forever and grow old with ye. I canna be happy with anything less mo chridhe.”

With that he bent one knee and opened a tiny box in front of her.

“Will ye marry me Claire?”

Jamie was very pleased with how wide her eyes got, then a little nervous because she hadn’t said anything. When the silence got uncomfortable Jamie dropped his head and prepared to fix this tragic mess.

“Stop!” Big tears were rolling down her cheeks and her eyes sparkled at him. “Are you kidding me, Jamie? I can’t live without you anymore, of course, I will marry you.”

She dropped into his arms and kissed him at least one hundred times as he slipped the ring on her finger and kissed her with earnest.

Jamie lit a fire to chase the cold off the morning and pulled Claire onto his lap. They talked about belonging to each other, heart, body, and soul. He had put much thought into what he said next and the magnitude of the offer made her tears start again.

“I’ll not start the only marriage I’ll ever have hedging my bet. No contracts about what is mine and what is yours Sassenach. We come to the marriage devoted to each other for life, equal partners in everything. Do you agree?”

Claire was too emotional to speak so she nodded her head yes as the tears rolled down her cheeks.

“Do ye like the ring love?”

“I love the ring Jamie, it’s what I’ve dreamed of since I was a kid. Having the man I love ask me to marry him. It was just perfect.”

Wrapped in towels after a shower, Claire looked at her ring and felt ready to burst with happiness. She could hardly take her eyes off it to start cooking for their guests. She remembered thinking she was as happy as she could ever be walking downstairs this morning. Then Jamie pushed the bar so high it would never be touched.

[panharmonium]

@MERLINOBSESSIONIST I’M -

YOU CANNOT POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND HOW FILLED WITH LOVE THIS MADE ME FEEL

(^me @ you!!!!!  but also merlin @ will lbr can you IMAGINE)

i know you know i don’t really read much fic but in terms of just tag browsing, almost everything i’ve ever seen about reincarnation is either about just arthur or just the camelot crew and i will tell you right now, the ONLY acceptable explanation for this is that will hasn’t shown up yet, like - it is patently not fair for merlin’s ultimate ‘happy ending’ to do nothing but affirm the message that camelot was the only thing about his life that mattered.

so perhaps, instead: reincarnation runs in reverse, so that merlin finds the first person he lost last.  long after he stopped expecting to meet anyone else, long after he figured this new world’s roster was complete - even merlin assumed it was just camelot that was part of this grand story; destiny never seemed to care about any other part of him before.  

so he doesn’t even think about it.  it doesn’t even cross his mind as a possibility.  

until, of course, it does.

[in other words: i took your ask and wrote you a story.]

i really don’t care for this destiny shit.

merlin hasn’t done accidental magic for a millennium and a half (and it’s a good thing, too, considering his capabilities) but in that space between one thunderous heartbeat and the next, the pavement under his feet splits into a spiderweb network of cracks, and along each crack blooms a tangled vein of grass, shockingly green and decidedly un-urban and definitely not the result of any conceivable natural processes.

will is unimpressed.  “you haven’t changed one ruddy bit,” he says.  “you numpty.  it’s broad daylight.”

merlin wants to say that will hasn’t changed one ruddy bit either, because no one else on earth can manage to show up fifteen centuries after their supposedly permanent death and still make merlin want to strangle them within seconds, but it comes out like “mmmf  ffmm mfmf” because merlin is sort of strangling will after all, in a hug, and his face is mashed into will’s clothes, and he can’t enunciate properly with a mouthful of t-shirt.

(he also can’t enunciate properly when he’s crying, but that’s nobody’s damn business.)

merlin is insufferable for weeks.

that’s will’s opinion on the subject, anyhow.  merlin maintains that this is an exaggeration, in response to which will retorts, “yesterday when i woke up i cracked my skull on your nose ‘cos you were hanging over me while i was having a nap, merlin, you’ve gone completely round the bed - ”

later on, maybe, merlin will admit that perhaps will has a point, and maybe merlin was being just a little bit overbearing.  

but in the moment, all merlin can think about is zippers.

zippers are a clever little invention.

of all the innovations merlin has seen emerge over the last 1500 years, he has always been oddly charmed by the zipper, which up until now he believed to be a perfectly designed machine.  currently, though, he’s revised his opinion - zippers for fastening two bits of clothing together are handy, make no mistake, but merlin, who has resolved to never again let will out of his sight, thinks zipping two people together would be a handier function by half, and wonders if zipper manufacturers are open to suggestions.  

it’s just that not letting will out of his sight means not letting will do...well, almost anything, really, and it would be much easier to accomplish this if merlin could keep will where he wanted him while also having both hands free.  but merlin is willing to make sacrifices in the name of precautions, and he resolves to master the art of shadowing will’s every move even without the aid of specialized fastening apparatuses, for all that a zipper would have been more convenient.  

for some unfathomable reason, will seems to find this annoying.  but merlin tries to make himself feel better about his friend’s marked ingratitude by convincing himself that will’s reluctance to follow perfectly reasonable, safety-related rules is just a consequence of his natural anti-authoritarian streak, and not, in fact, a reaction to the fact that merlin has gone completely round the twist.

merlin is not being unreasonable.  he’s not.  

it’s a dangerous world out there.  you can’t be too careful.  

“what are you doing?” asks merlin, alarmed.

will looks blankly at merlin over the hood of the car.  “getting in?”

“oh, no.  you can’t sit there.”

“can’t i?  i’m driving.”

“no.”

“no, i’m not driving?”

“no.”

“you’re driving, then.”

“no.”

“i don’t understand.  who’s driving?”

“...no.”

“...how are we supposed to do your groceries?”

“look, i just think, you know, let’s just...skip it.”

“merlin,” will says, with forced calm, “you have no toilet paper.”

“what are you doing?”

“...eating.”

“you’ve not had that before.”

“so?”

merlin hesitates.  “do you know, allergies are hundreds of times more common now than they were when we - ”

“merlin...”

“i’m only saying that if you haven’t tried it before - ”

“merlin - ”

“maybe i should just - ”

“merlin, if you try to take this plate away from me i am dumping the sticky bit all over your trousers.”

“what are you doing?”

“nothing, merlin.”

“you got up.”

“so?”

“where are you going?”

“...the loo, merlin.”

will tries his best to be patient with merlin, but unfortunately patience has never been one of his strong suits, so merlin’s fingers do end up getting slammed in a number of bathroom doors before merlin manages to finally (grudgingly) admit that will has, in point of fact, always been rather more self-sufficient than merlin himself, and that will has also, in general, been quite good about not getting himself killed in stupid accidents, when left to his own devices.

“so,” merlin concedes, “as long as no one’s actively trying to murder you - ”

“can’t promise anything,” says will, around a mouthful of toast.  “something about me puts people’s backs right up, merlin; i know a couple of blokes who’d be well pleased if i did drop dead of a freak nectarine allergy - ”

“ - then i suppose,” merlin continues, gritting his teeth, “you’ll probably be fine.”

merlin is proud of himself for deciding to be such a grown-up, and he thinks his insufferable period ends there.  

the rest of his friends quietly disagree, even if they never say so to merlin’s face, because for them, merlin’s insufferable period has just begun.  merlin, who has spent the last 1500 years diligently serving someone else’s interests, has now suddenly reacquired the one thing in his life that was ever just his, and the fact of the matter is that will’s reappearance, unexpected as it is, turns merlin temporarily feral.

even after merlin decides to stop (literally) breathing down will’s neck at every turn, he still goes virtually everywhere at will’s elbow (if they go out at all), and he comes home in exactly the same position, and he sleeps on the living room floor because that’s where he and will are lying when they talk themselves out in the middle of the night, and he gleefully declines invitations to do things with other people because he is already doing exactly what he wants to do, and he will continue to do so for exactly as long as he wants to do it, and now it is everybody else’s turn to wait.

people who haven’t seen him for a long time start asking him if he wants to come round, and he doesn’t even bother with ‘oh, i’m a bit busy atm;’ he just replies <no> and then "loses” his phone behind the couch.

(gwen is the only one who ever gets a clarifying text after one of these episodes, the content of which reads i didn’t mean that in a nasty way.  she sends back a little purple flower in response, because of course she knows perfectly well he didn’t - she laughed, to be honest, when she got the original message.)

(she thinks it’s nice to hear merlin using the word no as a complete sentence, actually.)

(she knew him the longest, after everything went to hell.  by now, they understand each other.)

most of merlin’s other friends don’t bother him too much after their first failed attempts at connecting, because they can take a hint, and they have their own lives to live, and they assume they’ll just see merlin when he wants to see them.

a few of them, however, are accustomed to getting everything they want, very quickly, almost all of the time, and said people (person) spent a formative chunk of their lives relying on merlin to (literally) drag them out of bed every morning, so these people (person) turn out to be a bit more persistent.

merlin’s email inbox pings him multiple times a day, asking increasingly curious and impatient variations on “where are u,” until merlin activates the out-of-office reply feature and sets the bounce-back message to “at the tavern.”  merlin’s mobile keeps ringing, until he magicks it to redirect all incoming calls to an in-home laundry service.  the landline starts ringing then as well, at which point will picks up the phone and says, his face utterly serious, “we’re not home,” while merlin cackles (unsubtly, audibly) in the background.

much later, when merlin has finally relaxed a bit and rejoined society, arthur will grumble about this, because he still gets Like That sometimes and doesn’t appreciate being Mocked, thank you very much (especially not by “that fellow”), but will isn’t the least bit concerned.

“i wasn’t taking the piss, mate,” will says, quite obviously doing just that.  “i thought you might fall for it, is all.”

arthur, huffy: “why in god’s name would you think i would believe such an obvious lie?”

will:

what eventually gets merlin and will out of their self-imposed quarantine is not, in fact, arthur’s exhaustive collection of attempts to hassle merlin by phone, email, and carrier pigeon, but rather a simple text from gwaine, which, in true gwaine fashion, asks no questions and makes no demands, but contains instead a single blurry photo of what might be elyan and percival looking disappointed and droopy in front of some kind of beach, though the sky behind them seems very grey and the camera lens appears to be smeared with raindrops.

>>freak thunderstorms on beach day/weatherman said no chance??? >>NOT ON, you funky little wizard

merlin laughs and lays his phone aside, not feeling any particular need to explain for the thousandth time that he does not, in fact, control the weather (well - all right, not usually, anyhow; there was that one time, yes, fine, but on the whole, natural forces were not to be trifled with), and then, as quickly as he puts the text out of his mind, he snaps up the phone again, struck by a thrill of realization.  “gwaine,” he breathes gleefully, consumed suddenly with anticipation.

“wossat?” will asks from the other side of the table, barefoot and pyjama-clad.

“we’re going out,” merlin says, popping up from his chair and pushing will out of his seat.  “put your shoes on.”  

will allows merlin to hustle him out of the kitchen, but grumbles, “can i put my clothes on, too, or are we trying to be somewhere yesterday?”

“you can put your clothes on,” merlin says, shoving will into the living room.  “i want you to meet somebody.”

will puts on the brakes immediately, stopping them both in the doorway to the hall.  “who?”

“a friend of mine.”

“what friend?”

merlin pauses.  will’s expression is suddenly wary, and merlin knows him well enough to tread carefully.  will doesn’t know any of merlin’s other people, and he claims he doesn’t care to, ostensibly because he’s got enough friends already, but merlin knows what the real issue is, and it’s that the picture-plastered refrigerator door in merlin’s kitchen is a disquieting, uneasy mystery to will, a puzzle he on some deep level doesn’t believe he fits into.  

merlin can’t blame him for feeling that way.  it’s not like merlin did much to disabuse him of that notion, after all, in their old life.  

“just a friend,” merlin decides, keeping it simple.  “gwaine.  you’ll like him.”

“i don’t know him,” will counters.

merlin spins will around by the shoulders and points him in the direction of the bedroom.  “trust me.  you want to.”

don’t leave, merlin texts gwaine, afterwards, while will is getting dressed.  stay at the beach.

merlin’s phone buzzes a moment later.  it’s tipping down out here.

merlin leans against the warm, rain-spattered glass of the window and checks the sky, which is grey still, but brightening, and then looks at will, who has emerged from the bedroom, shoes in hand.

don’t bother about the weather, merlin types.

why?  gwaine’s reply is almost instantaneous, but merlin ignores it for a minute, watching as will crouches in the foyer and does up his laces.  

merlin spent half his life at home watching will’s hands fly over more complicated knots than the bow in a pair of trainers - double-half hitches for calving ropes, halter loops for wayward goats, ring knots draped over gateposts and snap-releases for pulling legs up and out of kicking range.  will was always good at that sort of thing, at anything handsy - it was how he talked, when he finally ran out of things to say with his mouth.  his fingers were always moving, tying string or tilling soil or turning trees into harrows and haycarts and hundreds of yards of rough-hewn fencing.  he always had sawdust in the hem of his trousers and splinters in his hands, and - for far too long a period of their lives - a little frowny crease in his brow.

why?  gwaine’s inquiry is still glowing up at merlin, awaiting a response.

merlin watches will double-knot his second shoe in one brisk motion.  will is tidier now, and his hands are less scarred, but his fingers move as surely as they ever did.  and even if his forehead sometimes still sports that same little uncertain crinkle, merlin has caught will in a silly grin once or twice, too.

merlin ducks his head and taps out his answer:  

i think things are looking up.

“you were talking to lancelot?”

it gives merlin an indescribably warm and pleasant squirm in his stomach to see will and lancelot chatting together in gwen’s back garden.  lancelot is hardly ever in town these days, and merlin has dragged will out to this to-do specifically because if there’s one event lancelot will show up to this year, it’s gwen’s birthday.  but will hasn’t fallen into the rhythm of these things yet, and he’s always in danger of slinking off to the sidelines, to less well-tended patches of plants illuminated only by the twinkle lights wound into gwen’s fencing.  he is startlingly uncertain now, in a way that would have shocked merlin in another life, though these days merlin just takes it in stride, joining will on whatever patch of grass he’s chosen for himself, where they eat from a shared paper plate, and eventually the rest of the party comes to them, because people follow merlin like a beacon wherever he goes, even into dark corners.

will nods.  “yeah.”

eloquent, as usual.  merlin prods him in the arm.  “what do you think of him, then?”

will makes a face.  “i’ve only just met the man.”

“i’ve never known that to stop you having an opinion.”

will sighs.  “he seems fine, merlin.”

on the other side of the garden, elyan is building up the firepit, breaking up sticks for kindling.  arthur is watching lancelot, who is watching gwen, who is radiant and beaming in a bright yellow sundress, but she, too, is watching both of her observers, whenever they aren’t watching her.  

none of them look troubled, exactly.  just thoughtful.  

“he seemed to know who i was,” will says suddenly.

merlin is surprised to hear will offer anything further on the subject.  “well, i suppose he does, a bit.  he’s my friend, you know.  he’s heard of you.”

“the rest of your friends hadn’t heard of me.”

the rest of merlin’s friends are, at that moment, pestering leon to give elyan back a confiscated can of lighter fluid nicked from the grill, swearing on their oaths that the (former) blacksmith isn’t planning on doing any forge-appropriate stunts.  “lancelot’s different,” merlin says after a minute.  “it was different with him.”

“how different?”

gwaine pops the can out of leon’s hands with a pair of tongs and tosses it to arthur, who tosses it to lancelot, who looks surprised at being included.

“well...” merlin says, and pauses for a moment before continuing.  “he knew me.  not like the rest of that lot, i mean.”  he glances at will.  “like you.”

will raises his eyebrows and looks at lancelot again, as if re-evaluating him.

“i couldn’t tell them about you,” merlin says, after a longer pause.  “they wouldn’t have understood.”

will watches lancelot lob the can of lighter fluid to percival, who slings it back to elyan, who freezes mid-pour when gwen hollers his name in That Voice.  “well, that’s all right, then,” will murmurs, almost to himself.  then he turns back to merlin, lifting one curious eyebrow.  “how in the hell did that happen, then?”

“it was sort of an accident.”

“i thought you said gaius was an accident.”

“well - yeah.  also that.”

a disbelieving laugh bursts out of will’s mouth, startling them both.  it’s loud and bell-bright and it turns gwen’s head from where she stands over the picnic table, setting out a plate of desserts.  she catches merlin’s eye and smiles.

“right, then,” will says, recovering himself, but smiling still.  “i’ll have to give this lancelot bloke another go, then.”

“please,” merlin says.  “you should.  he’s worth it.”

will nods to himself, considering lancelot for a moment.  “a whole two of us, is it?”

merlin nods.

“we’ve got nearly enough people to start ourselves a little Society now.”

“a small one.”

“very small,” will agrees.  “...not that - well, i mean...”  he looks suddenly uncomfortable, like he’s said too much.  “i mean, not that i’m saying...well, cat’s out of the bag now, isn’t it, so obviously it doesn’t matter - ”

merlin is already shaking his head.  “no,” he says, stopping will mid-sentence.  

will’s gaze flickers uncertainly between merlin and the group clustered around the firepit.  “no?  i thought you said - ”

“no,” merlin repeats, his voice quiet but uncompromising, “it matters.  don’t ever think that, will.  you have no idea.”

will turns slightly pink and diverts his attention to making an intense inspection of the grass under his feet; merlin decides to leave the subject there, for now, and let will have this moment to be flustered.  someday, maybe, it will take more than the barest scrap of appreciation to turn will sixteen shades of red, but will was always like this at home, too, quick to close himself down, easy for merlin to embarrass, taken off guard by unfiltered affection and squirming at too much sincerity, unable to conceive of himself as something anyone would need or want in any way that wasn’t “an extra pair of hands in the field.”  

merlin did not do much to correct that impression, back then, he knows.  but he’s been given a gift, now, a chance to amend his first and ugliest mistake, and he is going to be deliberate about this unexpected chance at atonement.  he is going to be better.  braver.  he will be less selfish, he promises himself, more patient.  gaius always says that allowing sufficient time for regrowth is the only surefire way to set a broken bone, and merlin doesn’t care if it takes him another 1500 years - he owes will too much to offer him anything less.

will returns his attention to the group on the patio, determinedly looking anywhere but merlin’s face.  “that looks like a torch in a hayloft,” he mutters, watching arthur, gwen, and lancelot’s unfolding dramedy of longing looks.  “long story there, i take it?”

merlin has to smile.  “i’ll tell you all about it, i promise.  you might want to clear your schedule for a week or two, though.”

will shrugs.  “i’m not going anywhere,” he says.  but then he looks sideways at merlin, teetering on the edge of an unasked question.

merlin does not make him wait.  not this time, not ever again.  

“neither am i,” merlin says, and settles in to watch elyan set something on fire.

there are, of course, less pleasant moments.

time has not mellowed will’s sharp edges in the slightest, and those associated with his tongue least of all.  now that he is up to speed, he’s formulated all manner of angry opinions to offer about the reeking cow pie merlin stepped into when he went to camelot, and every week seems to present him with something new to stew over, leading to episodes of simmering surliness that boil over every so often into bitter arguments.

will rarely makes these blunt and unflattering observations in the presence of merlin’s other friends, but merlin is all too aware that this is not because will is even remotely afraid to speak his mind, but rather because he is profoundly disinterested in what merlin’s camelot compatriots might have to say.  will does care what merlin has to say, even if he thinks 90% of it is “cow shyte, merlin, don’t try to feed me that rubbish,” but even merlin can’t escape will’s ire using explanations or placations or rationalizations of the Ultimate Good; will simply doesn’t care about the Powers That Be, and he tells merlin so, every time merlin tries to defend them or justify the part he himself played in their story.  

[^actual footage of will and merlin in the twenty-first century]

someday in the future, will and merlin are going to realize that they don’t actually want to accidentally (on purpose?) murder each other out of sheer frustration, so they decide they are only allowed to argue about this topic twice a year.  

for now, though, will can’t seem to shut up, and merlin can’t let will’s comments pass, and they lock horns every other week on things neither of them have any ability to change.

it’s tiresome, a little bit, and they sometimes have rip-roaring rows which are Horribly Worrisome to other people (‘oh dear, it’s really over for them this time, isn’t it’), but neither will nor merlin fret over it like the rest of their circle does.  they’ve known each other since before they could talk, and fighting with one another is a time-honored tradition, not something to be frightened of.  besides, these are not trifling, unnecessary tiffs they are having - these are necessary evils, lanced abscesses, scoured wounds.  these are bloodlettings, draining both their weary, aching bodies of accumulated poisons.  

merlin knows this has to happen.  he appreciates seeing will this way, up on his toes and full of fire, snappy and uncompromising, ready to shred illusions and evasions and excuses as if they were so many sheets of 1500 year-old parchment.  will in a fight is like a fish in the water, or a bird in the air, balletic and agile, strikingly at home, a creature in its absolute element, and merlin loves watching him, for all that it means he sometimes get bitten for getting too close.

it’s not the end of the world.  they have both known how to fight with each other for a long time.  and merlin - for whom a row with anybody else has always been tedious, uncomfortable, a bothersome disruption - does not mind rowing with will.  rowing with will is like getting his exercise.  it’s natural and familiar, and everything is where it’s supposed to be, in those tinderbox moments, even when Where It’s Supposed To Be is the two of them having an absolute cow at each other in the kitchen while the rest of their friends sit in the living room trading wide-eyed stares and trying to silently debate whether or not they should risk edging sideways out the back door.

merlin tells himself again and again that there’s no need to worry.  the other thing he’s learned from gaius is that a poorly healed fracture sometimes needs to be snapped again in order to set up properly.  

merlin wants his relationship with will to set up properly.  he’s willing to break a few bones to make it happen.

it takes a year for the cast to finally fall off.

it’s summer again by the time they come around to the marrow of the matter, to the tension undergirding all of their arguments, to the knot of grass stuck stubborn and tenacious at the heart of the concrete.

“why did you do it?”

will doesn’t answer merlin’s question right away.  they’ve just finished (or maybe are about to finish, merlin hopes, feeling strangely anticipatory, as is something tentative and promising is hanging just out of sight) a spectacular squabble, and the kitchen in which they sit seems to be sagging, unsupported in the yellow, windowless gloom, the painted cabinetry as tired as they are.

“i left you,” merlin continues, and even though the shameful taste of the truth burns on the way down, he swallows it willingly.  be better, he tells himself.  braver.  “i was afraid to tell you i was going.  i was afraid to get in touch with you after i’d left.  i never said goodbye.  i didn’t ask my mother to relay a message.”

will says nothing.  

“i let people line up to die for something i could have done myself.  i protected myself at everyone else’s expense.  i hid my secret behind our neighbors.  i got you killed.”  merlin takes a deep breath.  “i never said i was sorry.”

will taps his fingers on the table, his eyes focused somewhere off to merlin’s left.  he looks more thoughtful than angry.  “are you?”

the idea that will even needs to ask this question makes merlin want to cry.  merlin could talk for 1500 years and still never manage to explain how sorry he is.  he’s never breathed a word of it to anyone, but there was a part of him that was relieved to bargain his life away to nimueh, all those years ago.  he’d earned that punishment, he knew.  it was a just price.  

“yes,” merlin replies.  “i was wretched to you, and you saved my life.  i left you and you lied for me.  you - ”  merlin’s throat threatens to snap closed; he tells himself to finish.  be better.  be braver.  “i would never have asked you for that, will.  never.  i didn’t deserve it.”

will doesn’t say anything.  he is still not looking quite at merlin, but at the refrigerator behind merlin’s chair, which hums into the silence, blissfully unaware of the conversation taking place directly in front of it.  there’s a photo of will and merlin on the door now, added last month, and merlin still feels slightly strange, when he pulls out a jug of milk in the morning and sees will’s smiling face hanging there.  

merlin has never had a picture of will before.  he has never seen will’s face outside the confines of his own memories.

“well?” merlin prods.  “am i wrong?”

“no,” will replies, “you’re right.”

“then why did you do it?”

will sits up straighter, fixing merlin with a penetratingly direct, unflinching stare, the same startlingly candid look that merlin spent years searching for in other people’s faces, all those ages ago.  fifteen centuries of grieving later, and there it finally is - and one thing, it turns out, is exactly the same: will never did have any patience for foolish questions.  

“you know why,” is all will says.

merlin’s throat snaps shut for good.  he lets it, this time, and closes his eyes, taking a deep, wobbly breath, in through his nose, out through his mouth.  behind him, the refrigerator hums, and the tap drips onto a stack of dirty dishes lying forgotten in the sink, and somewhere, out in the heart of the city, the summer breeze ruffles a section of pavement overgrown with year-old grass.

in about three seconds, merlin is going to have a big, ugly cry in his kitchen.  it’s going to be mortifying and unsightly and sort of inconvenient, since he is supposed to be doing the washing-up, and it’s going to be even more inconvenient because will is right there, and will might not have a freak allergy to nectarines but he does have at least a little bit of an allergy to tears; his own, mostly, though merlin can’t imagine he’s going to love merlin’s very much, either, even if merlin only ever tried to test that theory once and didn’t exactly have a chance to collect any data after the fact.  

but before that inexorable wave rolls in and washes over them both, merlin takes three bracing seconds to remind himself of what he already knows: that will is going to accept merlin’s bawling, this time, or at least take it in stride, and he might even pull over a chair, and tuck up his feet, and have a silent sit with merlin for the duration, because will heard that calloused bone break, too, and felt the sharp, misaligned pieces snap finally, blessedly back into place, and he certainly knew exactly what he was doing when he answered merlin’s question.

you know why is as close to i love you as someone with will’s fraught history is ever going to get.  

and close enough is, for them - for now - close enough.

[sebsallowapologist]

Pothos Part: 5

Hi.... so I finally did it, sorry for the weight! Life can be pretty crazy even when you’re inside your own apartment so please be nice! Tell me what you think!

If you would like to read the first four parts of Pothos you can do it HERE.

All of a sudden my hair stood on my arms, my eyes darted around my room so fast that everything was a blur. I had tunnel vision, where was he? My whole body shook and it felt like I was going to throw up my entire stomach. I stumble out of the bed and crash into my nightstand, stumbling forward into my living room, frantically looking for what I knew wasn’t here.

There was no one here, no one standing in the kitchen or sitting on my couch. Why would he be? He didn’t belong here.

Once my eyes confirmed what I knew, I just let myself break. It had taken me years to become something that resembled a functioning human behind and now I was back to square one. Maybe even worse. I grab the wall and slide down, my ass hitting the floor a little harder than what was comfortable. I was fucked. I already knew I would never be normal again, but who was going to help me now? I couldn’t let my dad know I let it happen again, my mother would try to visit and lord knows that would just make me feel worse.

Or hell- maybe I’d made it all up. Maybe I spent last night walking around my apartment in a pretty dress talking to no one. I’m not even sure if that was better or worse.

My lungs start screaming at me- reminding me I needed air to survive. I mean to take in a deep breath which just comes as a gasp, which leads to another gasp, and another, until I’m taking in air and pushing it out faster than my lungs can handle. I must look like an idiot, on the floor of my apartment hyperventilating about a ghost.

I dig my nails into my arm to try and center myself, but it doesn’t work. My mom always told me that if you were in pain to pinch yourself and your brain would get distracted, but my nails weren’t long enough to inflict any real pain, nothing that could rival how my empty chest felt.

My hands went into my hair and pulled at the root, looking for the desired effect until I heard his panicked voice, “Bella?”

My neck snaps up and I see him, I was seeing things again- officially. The angel in my living room looked anxious. “Bella are you alright?” He asks, setting the plastic bag he was carrying on the floor and in an instant he was sitting next to me. I jump out of my skin when his hands are all of a sudden touching my face. “Are you hurt?” He asks and I can’t describe the feeling.

“Bella stop gasping.” He says. I didn’t know I was still doing that. He picks up my hand and places it on the center of my chest. “Deep breath in.” He says and I try to mimic that. His chest pushes out on the inhale and I try to do that. He exhales again and I close my eyes, trying to focus on that. I start breathing normally and a small part of my brain wonders how he’s breathing so deeply so close to me. That had to be a sign this wasn’t real.

My hand curls and brings the light cotton shirt he’s wearing into my fist. “Bella, are you alright?” He asks again and puts his hand on my forehead. “You left?” I ask and he nods. “You didn’t have much in the way of food- and I was going to make you breakfast. I wasn’t gone long.” He says and I nod.

“I thought you left.” I sigh and let his shirt go, dropping my hand. “Oh, Bella.” He breaths and I’m immediately embarrassed. I must look like a toddler who had a temper tantrum. “Sorry.” I mumble and lean on the wall. “Next time text me or something.” I say and he nods. He stays on the floor with me, looking anxious.

I put my hand on the wall to help me up and he follows me, slowly going back to pick up the bag. “You cook?” I ask, trying to move the conversation away from being a fucking mental patient, and he nods. “I watched a video on breakfast while you slept. I’m fairly confident I can follow instructions.”

“I’ll be the judge of that.” I smile smalley and walk over to the coffee maker. I had a raging headache from my episode. God- he was going to try and put me in the hospital like Charlie did. I wasn’t doing a great job of trying to convince him to stay.

He puts the bag on the counter and points to my table. “Sit. Relax.” he tells me and there's a smile on his face but his eyes are just- blank. Shut down. I nod and walk to the kitchen table, picking up the TV remote that sat there. I put on some music and turned the volume down just to fill the silence. If it was silent I was going to think about how horribly I’d just behaved.

“What’s the name of this band?”

“What you’d never heard of Catfish and the Bottlemen? What are you? A hundred years old?” I smile, looking over at him, cracking an egg into a bowl. A smile pulls at his lips as he nods his head rhythmically. “About that.”

I smile back. I just sat there, pointing to cabinets while he asked for things like teaspoons and whisks. When my eggs and toast were done he brought the plate over to the table and sat down across from me, waiting patiently for my review.

I pick up the fork and grab the hot sauce that always resided on the table, dabbing some on the eggs before I try them. I chew and swallow- a tad over done but they were really good for a first timer. I smile and nod, “Very good.”

He picks up the bottle of Chalupa and turns it in his hands a few times. “You like spicy now?”

“I do. I have a very mature palette.” I joke and he pops the lid off of the bottle, placing a drop on his finger before putting it on his tongue. “Spicy?”

“It just tastes bad.” He chuckles and I eat some of the toast. He lets me finish my meal before he takes my hand in his and squeezes gently. “You thought I left you this morning? After how amazing last night was?”

“I uh- yeah. I guess I thought I didn’t give you much of a reason to stay or maybe that I made you up- that I’m still making you up.”

“I’m not imaginary, I promise.” He laughs lightly, but theres no humor behind it. “I’m not leaving, I promise you.”

I take my hand out of his and put it in my lap, sitting back in my chair. “I’ll never forgive myself for how I hurt you, I was insensitive and cruel- to both of us.”

“You didn’t want me. How am I supposed to think you want me now with the grey hairs and the laugh lines?” I frown. “You’re not 80, Bella.” he sighs. “And your looks were never why I was with you.”

“Well thanks.” I scoff and his eyes widen a little, “That’s not what I mean- I meant it didn’t matter if you had three heads and a hunch back I wanted to-”

“Kill me.” I smirk and he nods. “Among other things, yes.”

I sigh and push my hair out of my eyes. “This is- emotionally exhausting. I still don’t know why you came back.” I wanted answers but I wasn’t sure which questions to ask. And I wasn’t even really sure if I wanted some of the harsh truths that could be coming my way. “I told you- I could no longer be away from you.”

“So what- we’re dating? We’re what? Where do we go?”

“Well you have a career and a life here, we can be whatever you want to be. I’m done making the decisions. I’m clearly not very good at it.”

“You can say that again.” I mutter and put my head down on the table. What did I even want? Him- Obviously. But I’d written off him coming back years ago, I’d spent my adult life living day to day, thinking about the future as little as possible just to make the present manageable. Now I had options. I wasn’t used to options.

“I have to think.” I sigh and he nods. “I understand that.” He says and I bite my lip, looking up at him. “You really came back for me- and only me?” I ask and he reaches over the table, taking my face in his hands. “Yes.”

His eyes don’t deviate from mine, I swear he’s telling the truth- but I just can’t be sure. I bite my lip and he smiles a little. “You still look like my Bella, trust me.”

***

We move to my couch for the rest of the morning, my back on his chest as he holds me from behind and drills me- with questions on what I’ve been up to. I’m able to sneak in a few about the last few years of his life now and then, but it was hard to focus. I was too busy thinking about my future.

“So what are my options?” I ask during a lull in my interview.

“Options?” He asks and I roll my eyes. “Yeah. For the rest of my life what are my options here?”

“Well anything. You can kick me out and go back to how your life was last week-”

“That's not an option for me.” I interrupt and he chuckles. “Alright then. Well then I could live here with you and just be with you for the rest of your life, or we could go back to my family, or we could fly to Paris tomorrow- it’s whatever you want.”

“Would you take me forever?” I ask and he chuckles. “For as long as you’ll have me, Bella.” He promises, moving my hair over my shoulder, kissing my cheek.”

“Not right now on this couch but- would you change me? In theory.” I ask and turn my head to look up at him. He freezes. “In theory?”

“I’m just trying to understand my expectations.”

“That would be... a discussion.” He sighs and I nod. “Yeah it would be- I just wanted to know if I should think about it.”

“I didn’t know you’d even have to think about it.” His lips move to my neck, placing gentle kisses in his path, trying to distract me. “I mean- it’s a big deal.” I huff and he chuckles. “I know, I just thought the idea of immortality was irresistible to you.”

“I was young and stupid.” I hum. “I thought the idea of living forever was good. But not I’m not so sure.” I sigh. “25 years is already a lot.”

“25 years isn’t that long.” Edward laughs and I roll my eyes. “Well it feels like ages.”

I sigh and reach over to the coffee table, picking up my neglected phone. A text from Charlie, hey bells, you didn’t call me yesterday. Call me please. Giving him my old iPhone 6 was a real treat for the guy but he still only liked talking on the phone once a week. Always about what I was up to, but sometimes I managed to get a few details in about him and Forks.

A text from my co-worker, complaining about our boss.

A few notifications from various social media platforms.

And a text from Mike that was sent to the “Fork LA” group chat which consisted of Anglea and I. I got the Sunday scaries- Umbrella tonight. Thats an order.

“You’re friends with Mike... Newton?” Edward asks and I laugh. He said his name like it was a curse. “Yes. He’s a good hometown pal.” I laugh. “Are you surprised that I have friends?” I ask and he shakes his head. “No, just surprised that one of them is Mike Newton. Doesn’t it get tiring fighting off his advances?”

“No he stopped wanting to fuck me years ago.” I assure him, after one very failed kiss sophomore year of college the whole idea was forgotten. Thank god.

Edward cringes when I curse and I roll my eyes. “Edward you’re going to have to get over me cursing, it’s just apart of my dialect now. You know I read somewhere that people who curse are smarter than those who don’t.”

“So are we going to Umbrella tonight?” He asks and I roll my eyes. “You want to go hang out with Mike and Angela at a bar?”

“Do you want to? I would like to join.” He smiles and I bite my lip. I couldn’t see Edward at a bar. “Do you have a fake ID?”

[marksburyscripts]

Season 1, Episode 5-- Heartwrench

Google Doc

[Henry’s hospital room. Day. There are no longer the sounds of life support.]

VICTOR

...You’re sure it’s okay?

HENRY

Yeah, it’s fine. Whatever helps. Record away.

VICTOR

All right. Thanks.

HENRY

...You don’t have to be nervous, you know.

VICTOR

I’m not.

HENRY

Then why are you doing that?

VICTOR

Doing what?

HENRY

You’re clenching and releasing your hand, and you’re rocking a bit in your chair. Both of which you do when you’re nervous. Seriously, how long have I known you? [Beat.] No, you don’t have to stop.

VICTOR

Oh thank God. [Beat.] ...How’re you feeling?

HENRY

Like I’ve been in a coma for the better part of a year. But lucid, so that’s an improvement, I guess.

VICTOR

Right. Right, yeah.

HENRY

...You know we’ve gotta talk about this, right?

VICTOR

Henry, shouldn’t we wait until you’re--

HENRY

No. We’re doing it now. While you’re recording. ...Victor, please tell me that I’m remembering wrong. Please tell me that I’ve just got some real bad brain damage and it’s fucking with me. That I didn’t walk in on some… first attempt at reanimating a fucking corpse.

VICTOR

[Mumbled] Second.

HENRY

Excuse me?

VICTOR

It was a second attempt, I’d done it before.

HENRY

Jesus Christ.

VICTOR

Also it’s not technically reanimation. If it had been a single body, sure, but I used materials from several donors--

HENRY

What the hell is wrong with you? In what fantasy could you ever see that turning out well? That’s the kind of shit that horror movies are made from!

VICTOR

I’m sorry, I--

HENRY

You were stupid! You were stupid, and reckless, and you didn’t think about the consequences!

VICTOR

I know, I just--

HENRY

Oh my God, that’s what the fire was about, wasn’t it? That had something to do with it. You freaked out, and you tried to burn the evidence. So what, you figured you’d risk more lives then, too? What if there had been people in there, Victor, what then?! Is that what attacked me? And did-- Did Justine really kill your brother? Or was that part of it, too? You have people’s lives on your conscience, all because you wanted to fuck around and find out if you could--

VICTOR

I just wanted my mom back, okay?! I know I fucked up. Believe me, I don’t need any more reminders. But I-- I had my reasons, it wasn’t just some ego trip.

HENRY

[Calmer now] ...Does Elliot know?

VICTOR

I’m sure he figured it out, yeah.

HENRY

What’s that supposed to mean?

VICTOR

Oh. Oh God, they didn’t tell you.

HENRY

Tell me what?

VICTOR

...Henry, Elliot’s dead.

HENRY

Oh God. God, I…. I’m so sorry, I…. How’s your dad taking it?

VICTOR

Well, considering he died two days later, I’d say not very well.

HENRY

What?

VICTOR

[Getting more and more distraught] He’s dead too, Henry. Him, Elliot, my mother, Billy, Justine. Everyone is dead, and I have been so alone and so scared, and I have no idea what I am supposed to do.

HENRY

...Hey. C’mere. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m just stressed, I shouldn’t have said all that shit.

VICTOR

You have every right to.

HENRY

No, being a dick won’t fix anything. Plus, you’ve obviously been through hell. Your glasses look like you were just at a 4Chan meetup.

VICTOR

[Laughs] I don’t know what that means.

HENRY

It means you need to get some damn lens cleaner, how the hell can you see out of those thing?

VICTOR

Just used to it, I suppose.

HENRY

You hear from Evelynn at all?

VICTOR

Take a guess.

HENRY

That’ll be a no. You try talking to her?

VICTOR

Of course not.

HENRY

...So you’re upset that you’ve been alone, yet you haven’t even tried to get in contact with your sister?

VICTOR

Look, I don’t need a lecture right now, okay? I get enough of those from Dr Walton.

HENRY

Wait, you’re seeing Dr Walton? Like, Robert Walton? Kinda short, always has a bow tie?

VICTOR

Yeah…? Do you know him, or…?

HENRY

Sort of, he was a guest speaker for my Abnormal Psych class during undergrad. He seems good.

VICTOR

Yeah, I suppose.

HENRY

How much you tell him?

VICTOR

I’m not sure I could tell him what happened even if I wanted to.

HENRY

...What happens when you try?

VICTOR

Don’t. Don’t do that.

HENRY

Do what?

VICTOR

That. You’re trying to… diagnose me.

HENRY

No, you’re my friend and I don’t have a license to practice. That’s illegal. I’m… offering informed advice.

VICTOR

Yeah, well, I’ll save you the trouble. Clinical depression, post traumatic stress disorder, and paranoid personality disorder. Though that last one is debatable. I might be missing some. Come back when you finish your Ph.D, Clerval.

HENRY

[Softly] Jesus…. [Trying to lighten the mood now] Doing it then it would be even more illegal. Then we’ll have two criminals here. [Beat.] Sorry. That wasn’t as funny as I expected it to be.

VICTOR

No. No, it’s fine. You’re not wrong. [Laughs] Should’ve seen what it was like trying to find a job with an arson charge. I’m lucky I managed to get the one I have.

HENRY

Yeah? What job’s that?

VICTOR

I’m over at Harris’ down on Main Street.

HENRY

Holy shit. The great Victor Frankenstein, the mad genius, the Prometheus of the 21st century, is selling discount hardware.

VICTOR

Well, I don’t actually sell anything most of the time. I’m customer service. Mostly returns, taking phone calls, fun stuff like that.

HENRY

You’re fucking with me. You hate talking on the phone.

VICTOR

And I hate my job. But if they’re willing to give a felon minimum wage, who am I to argue?

HENRY

Hey man, whatever works. I do have one more question, though. 

VICTOR

Okay?

HENRY

Is that the hoodie I lent you that day?

VICTOR 

Oh, um, right, yeah. I-- I was going to give it back, but then you-- You know, and then I was just so distracted, between worrying about you and the police hounding me--

HENRY

Hold on, police?

VICTOR

Oh. Right. They, um… They thought that I did it for a while. Elliot, too.

HENRY

Oh God. 

VICTOR

I mean, I can't blame them. I've got a record, and that's a lot of people close to me who--

[The door opens. Both men are silent for a moment.]

HENRY

Hello…?

VICTOR

Sorry. That’s probably me.

HENRY

What?

VICTOR

Things have been… weird. It’s a long story.

HENRY

You built a person out of corpses, and I’m bedridden for who knows how long. I’ve got all the time in the world for the details.

VICTOR

...Ever since I…. Ever since the fire, things have been… happening around me. I know how this is going to sound, but you need to believe me, okay? Ever since I… made it… it’s like…. I don’t know. It doesn’t even really make sense, I-- The two concepts aren’t even remotely similar, I--

HENRY

Hey. Hey, breathe for me, okay? 

VICTOR

Okay. Okay, sorry. ...That was the first night that I experienced something that I was unable to explain. Granted, I wasn’t exactly in the best mental state at the time, so for a while, I figured that it must have been a hallucination. I’ll be honest, sometimes I’m still able to convince myself that it was. But I know it’s not. 

VICTOR (Cont.)

Sorry. Sorry, let me back up. [Sighs] The… first signs of life came at 1:15 AM. The rise and fall of the chest, the flicker of movement behind the eyelids. Whether or not there was cognitive function had yet to be seen, but… I suppose you know how that turned out. It was at 1:16 that everything started to go downhill. When I realized what I’d done, when-- when the possible consequences hit me all at once. The wrongness of the situation, I…. I almost didn’t hear it. Or-- No. No, I didn’t hear it so much as I felt it. I felt a voice throughout my body, in every single nerve, clawing its way into my subconscious. I-- I couldn’t make out what it was saying, but… I got the sickening feeling that it was proud of me. Proud of what I’d managed to achieve. Whether or not anything happened for the couple months that I was in the hospital afterwards, I can’t really say. I was in shock, I couldn’t tell you what was real and what was hallucination. Honestly, you’d probably be better at figuring out if anything odd was happening during that time, you were there. But what I can tell you is that it never stopped. Sometimes the TV would turn on in the middle of the night blasting static, a couple times I woke up in the morning to find my glasses outside on the windowsill. Then there are the more… sinister ones. Beings that aren’t quite human, there one moment, gone the next. Or sinking, terrifying senses of dread that lead up to disaster.

HENRY

So… you’re seeing ghosts?

VICTOR

No, obviously not ghosts, ghosts don’t exist. Jeeze, you sound like Elliot. [He laughs, but it fades]  ...Not ghosts. But… something. Something that found me that night and hasn’t left me alone since. It’s all connected, I know it is. I just need to analyze everything. You know me, I work with data and research. If I can get the evidence, I can work out what’s going on. I even ended up setting cameras up in my house, but… they always freeze up whenever something happens. Typical. Either that or-- Or I don’t even have it happen myself, sometimes it’s other people who--

HENRY

Wait. Other people?

VICTOR

Yes. But it’s not like I want it to happen, it just does. I usually don’t even know them. I just… hear about them on the news, or sometimes they tell me themselves if I happen to run into them.

HENRY

...And strangers just tell you about all the creepy shit that happens to them?

VICTOR

...Sometimes, yeah.

HENRY

...You know what, I’m not going to even pretend to be surprised.

VICTOR

Honestly, that’s how I deal with it. So yeah. There you go. Spooky.

HENRY

...Do people get hurt because of it? [Victor doesn’t answer] Shit…. Well then. That settles it. I guess we’ve got work to do.

VICTOR

What?

HENRY

I said, we’ve got work to do. Maybe you’re content wallowing in self-pity while creepy shit radiates off of you, but I sure as hell won’t sit on my ass as it happens.

VICTOR

Henry--

HENRY

I know what you’re doing. You’re treating it like some punishment. Like you deserve it. Well, I’m here to tell you that you don’t. And neither does anyone else. You fucked up, yeah. And I’m not going to lie, it’s going to take some time for us to get back to the way we were. But it’s like you said. You had your reasons. You didn’t mean for it all to go to hell. And you didn’t kill them. So you and me are going to buck up and--

[He is cut off by a sound of pain as he moves]

VICTOR

Hey, whoa, whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. We'll figure it out. We have time to plan, take action, whatever we need to do. But right now, what you need to do is rest. I'll wash the hoodie and bring it back first thing tomorrow. 

HENRY

Nah, you keep it. It suits you, I can always get another. Plus, who the hell knows where you've been the past year? 

VICTOR 

[He laughs. This time it feels genuine] Asshole.

NEXT EPISODE➝

[mothmansfriend]

when i’m happy oh god i’m happy

TW: alcohol abuse, non-graphic sexual content, unhealthy coping mechanisms, self harm (in many forms), drug use, couchsurfing, mentions of delusions and paranoia, otherwise reckless behaviour

Note: this takes place in @illogicallyinclined’s hockey au and is a Prequel this is supposed to represent what Remus’s manic episodes look like everyone is different, but im using a mix of my own experiences with bipolar i and some friends who were willing to talk about theirs, then changing it to fit Remus’s existing Absolutely Feral personality, Jared and Payton are OC’s and teammates of Remus, the three of them are known for wrecking havoc at all times because none of them possess a braincell.

The art studio was empty, filled only by the assorted music of Remus’s sculpting playlist on the bluetooth speaker he brought in, and Remus himself. His hands glide through the wet clay and he basks in the slimy feeling between his fingers. Remus’s hair is held back by a small headband and he is wearing a tank top and jogging pants already covered in various mediums he has used through the day. He does not know where the energy to finish every project for this semester came from but he isn’t about to object.

If you were to look around this studio, there is a high contrast painting of a tentacle creature that is unsettling in an almost unidentifiable way, half of a self-portrait which uses resin teeth as the main element, as well as his current project of a large cup shaped like a decapitated head. In short, while Remus believes these are his best pieces, the chances of the university permitting them to be displayed are very low.

Remus gets frustrated that the music didn’t seem to be filling his inspiration in the way he hoped he changes the song revealing it to be approximately 4am, and no texts received since he sent D a picture if the teeth pile around 10pm.

—

“Can you go wake Remus up and ask if he wants any breakfast, he really shouldn’t sleep in this late, even if it is Saturday” D asks from the stove while Roman grabs his carton of milk from the fridge and doesn’t bother grabbing a cup.

D grimaces at him as he chugs back the milk, once again thankful that they have separate ones (even if that is at fault of Remus deciding to mix apple juice with milk in the carton without alerting anyone else in the household). “He actually headed out like, real early this morning, I spoke to him when I got up for a shower at like six. He said he’d be back today though?” Roman replied ignoring D’s look.

“Well, that’s even weirder. I’ll make extras so he can eat when he gets back, it's already eleven.”

“Sounds good,” Roman noticing D’s almost done slides a few plates next to him and accepts D’s soft ‘thanks’.

Suddenly they hear someone miss the keyhole three times before getting it and entering. Unsurprisingly, it’s Remus inappropriately dressed for a casual outing, surprisingly he seems to be holding several bags full of merchandise. “Helloo roommates! Look what I bought!” Remus shouts, slamming the door with his foot and bringing his bags to the couch.

“Are those... cups?” D asks turning off the stovetop to curiously check out Remus’s merch load.

“Hell yeah they are! I figured since you-” He pokes at D, “Took away all our glass cups after me and Roman went to that last party, I would take it upon myself to replace them. Look!” Remus proudly pulls the ugliest Jar Jar Binks cup out of one of the bags.

Roman visibly recoils as his brother parades the worst cup he’s ever seen around their apartment. D rolls his eyes but collects the cup and hesitantly places it into the dishwasher. “Thank you, Remus, these cups are horrid but they’re functional, which, I guess is good enough. Though, how much did these cost?”

“No idea, probably around sixty bucks total though, maybe. I went to three different thrift stores. Look at this one!” Remus holds up a vaguely terrifying cup that seems like it may have once resembled Spongebob Squarepants to Roman.

“That’s… Great, Remus, thanks” Roman says taking the offered item.

—

The three make it to practice 20 minutes early because Roman likes to prove he’s dedicated and a good captain. Coach Thomas and Joan greet them and Thomas talks to Roman briefly as Joan finishes setting things up. D and Remus do some stretches as others begin to show up, D comments on Remus being shaky and Remus hops around quickly explaining that he just woke up with a lot of energy for some reason.

Coach Thomas reminds Remus to take his time during practices speeding through everything doesn’t work if he keeps messing up before he even makes it halfway through.

—

D is going to kill Remus tomorrow morning. The repetitive sound of the bedframe slamming against their shared wall, and Remus wailing like a cat in heat at 1am is not something he wants to deal with right now. It’s a Tuesday night and D knows Remus has a class at 11am, one that D will not let him skip because he decided getting laid was more important. How does Remus even get a man to willingly enter that nightmare of a room? D rummages through his bedside table for ear plugs and regrets giving Roman the far room so easily.

—

“Jesus- Hello? Do you know what time it is?” The tired voice answers the phone after the third time of going to voicemail.

“Of course I don’t, Jared, I’m not a fucking nerd! I just thought I might extend my offer of filling the fountain in the middle of campus with bubble bath and a swim to you and Payton! D already said if I woke him up he would cut my dick off and feed it to his snake,” Remus audibly pouted at the end of his sentence.

Despite it being three am, it didn’t take a lot for Jared to wake up Payton and agree to meet him just off campus to run to the 24/7 convenience store for soap for the fountain. Remus leads the group in talking a mile a minute about something that Jared and Payton actually missed out on entirely. They try to contribute but realize Remus doesn’t notice when they have their own conversation anyways. They listen to him vaguely flit through topic after topic and get lost and confused in his own sentences, and once the soap is collected, they head to the large fountain in the middle of campus.

The fifth bottle of soap has been discarded and the fountain is sufficiently bubbly by the time the three hockey players strip to their boxers and begin their bath. There are attempted drownings, bubble beards, and the fountain change being thrown around.

At some point Remus stops talking for a second, observing the lithium bulbs through the fountain streams and bubbles floating across the courtyard. For a moment, he thinks he’s never been this happy in his life, these last few days have been the best days of his life. He lets Jared and Payton know this and like stare at him for a moment before teasing him about going soft and a few “I love you, bro” “Dude, you mean so much to me” and such were exchanged. They leave moments before campus security’s due to do their rounds in the early morning and laugh when about an hour later they receive a campus-wide notification to avoid the courtyard for repairs.

—

Remus spends most of practice being more annoying than usual. He gets a bit more of a stern talking to than he has in a while, in response says that he’ll try to do better to prepare for the game this weekend.

—

He did not succeed and got an even sterner talking to by Coach Thomas and Joan, and then by Roman separately.

—

Remus has a brief moment of clarity regarding his spending habits from the last week and a half in the middle of his current project. His solution is instead of buying the club size container of hot sauce, he makes a trip to the Taco Bell off campus. After dropping off the rest of his goods at the apartment, it was pretty late in the evening and he was dressed in nothing but neon green basketball shorts, slides, and a pretty badly stained grey tank top. Thankfully, Florida weather permitted this, though the looks he had been receiving all day disagreed. It likely did not help that if prompted, Remus wasn’t 100% on the last time that he slept, but if he had to guess it was two or three days ago, but that was probably a maximum of five hours. Surprisingly, he had never felt so good in his life. He’s also pretty sure he’s said that a lot this week.

He leaves Taco Bell with a small meal bag full of hot sauce at no cost.

—

D doesn’t ask any questions when he uses the bathroom in the early morning and is met with the sight of Remus in the bathtub. He is covered in a large variety of substances. The floor is covered in Taco Bell hot sauce wrappers, there’s a box full of water balloons of various colours and sizes. Remus waves with his available hand before he resumes filling the current water balloon with what may be a bulk container of banana lube. D pisses, not bothering to ask Remus to leave and just pulls the shower curtain over a little before washing his hands and deciding to figure it out tomorrow.

The next day, D woke up around 10am to a few texts saying some prick is throwing weird water balloons at first years off this academic building on campus. D didn’t think much about it until he was leaving his 12:30 lecture walking past splatters of mayo, egg, egg shells, hot sauce, and more, all separately. While observing the damage he found Remus asleep on some grass outside said academic building and had to call Logan for help to get him home. The two are used to this by now and D reminds himself to tell Remus to clear his ‘great ideas’ with someone containing a braincell.

—

Remus spends a good majority of his day listening to one song in the living room of the shared apartment. He was there when D left for classes, he was there when Roman left a little later in the day, failing to go to his own classes at all that day. The second D returns for lunch Remus is trying to explain a hidden meaning in the song, D brushes it off and reminds Remus, that to pass his classes he has to at least go.

—

This is Remus’s third night out in an area of town he really doesn’t know. He went home yesterday for early practice before coming back out. He knows it didn’t go well.

In attempts to make himself feel better, he blew a guy who’s name he already forgot but was hot as hell, he lost count of the shots he’s done, but at least there’s no practice tomorrow. He doesn’t have to worry about when he goes home, doesn’t have to worry about Roman or D and their weird concerned looks. He’s doing great! Why are they concerned, they just don’t get it.

At 2 am everyone gets kicked out of the club. Remus walks six blocks with his new friends with the promise of couch space to crash on and additional alcohol.

It’s suddenly 4:47 am and Remus is the only one awake and all the booze is gone. He is sitting under lithium streetlights smoking a cigarette on the porch of a strangers house with the humid Florida wind enables him to sit comfortably without a jacket. There is a moment, with sirens in the distance that Remus lets his eyes go out of focus. For the first time in who knows how long, he feels present. There is cracked cement under his feet, a dog barking a few houses down, and he wonders why he’s even here. The hidden Prince twin, here, in a city he has only been to once for a tournament, in a stranger’s house, drunk off his ass, his phone dead. He takes time to wonder, is this fun to him? It has to be right? Why did he just leave without telling anyone? Spending nights on the streets, or finding someone to go home with just so he didn’t have to find somewhere else to sleep. Is this who he is now?

He doesn’t know if he can answer that. Remus shakes himself before putting out his cigarette on his arm and deciding it doesn’t matter.

He still doesn’t sleep that night, but plugs in his phone and decides he needs to go home soon.

—

This is a different club than the previous night, someone sold Remus a few pills earlier and he figured why not? He feels better than ever. He lets the man he’s making out with know that and he lets out a kind of raspy laugh that Remus thinks is the hottest thing. He lets the other man know that too before sticking his tongue down his throat.

—

Remus is in the park yelling. It is almost 6pm, he pauses for a moment, completely forgetting what he was yelling about. He realizes that he is pretty drunk. Remus would normally like to say he only drinks with an excuse, but he doesn’t remember why he’s drunk, or how he got to the park. This isn’t near campus, he doesn’t recognize this park at all. He just stops yelling and googles the next bus to take him home.

—

Upon arriving home and greeting D, Remus falls asleep in his room for almost 12 hours to make up for the missing sleep from the last four days. When he is woken up for food and offered tylenol for his hangover, he tries to tell them he doesn’t have one. They don’t believe him, but he takes the food. Remus makes a joke recalling how the other day all he had eaten was some stale croutons he found in a pantry and half a bottle of Fireball he found in the fridge nearby. The joke did not land, but he was too busy laughing about it to notice.

The three eat their Sunday lunch with small amounts of banter and D switching between who he agrees with based on who’s statement didn’t sound like it came from a six year old. As they clean up, Remus starts excitedly talking about something that’s topic changed around four times in one sentence. Roman feigns interest but got lost and doesn’t care enough; D listens and has to ask Remus to repeat things slower every few minutes.

—

Several times throughout the night, D hears Remus loudly leave his room to check the front door. In the early morning D doesn’t hear Remus return to his room, but faintly hears netflix turn on in the living room.

In the morning, Remus seems wary of the door but does not say anything.

—

One day while messing around in the kitchen Remus is struck with the need to just go. The urge is so strong that the more he stands still in the kitchen the more his body just begins to tremble with barely contained energy. He doesn’t quite know where he’s going yet, but as he grabs his wallet, double checking he has his bus pass and ID, a jacket, his phone, and his keys. Without telling anyone, he walks to the main exchange near campus where he hops on the first bus that arrives. The bus isn’t particularly busy, and it makes it easier for him as he settles into the back of the bus bopping to his music, but not having the focus to listen to a song all the way through. He hits his hands softly on the very 90’s looking patterned seats to the beat of the song, watching out the windows with both legs bouncing. He rides this bus to the end of the line and catches the next bus to arrive at that bus exchange that takes him into a new smaller city. The sun is beginning to set and he finds a pub to grab some food and a few drinks at.

An hour and a half and four drinks later Remus is fighting some asshole in the pub and they both get kicked out. He wanders these smaller streets buzzed and poking at forming bruises while he smokes a cigarette. He walks by a convenience store and two homeless men outside ask him for a cigarette, he shares and spends a solid amount of time socializing with them and gets some booze for his troubles. They eventually part ways when one of them come out from the bathroom with a pack of stolen cookies. The store attendant chases them away and Remus finds himself wandering down empty streets again. Eventually, Remus decides to sleep for a few hours curled up in a stairwell, he doesn’t quite sleep, but does relax. Again, in the sounds of small city life, yellowed flickering light bulbs, and humid wind, Remus wonders why he’s out here.

—

The flashing neon lights and bass heavy music resonate through Remus’s bones like electricity giving him a never ending feedback loop of energy. Just before the club closes Remus sweet-talks a kind of nerdy looking guy into taking him home, while he’s mostly just hoping to not sleep outside tonight, getting laid wont hurt either.

—

Sneaking out of someone’s house before they wake up isn’t something Remus is necessarily proud of, but he doesn’t want to risk them doing something cheesy like make him breakfast. Sorry sir, Remus is a Manic Pixie Nightmare Boy, do not catch feelings, do not use for your own character development. He laughs to himself a little walking down the morning rush streets.

—

After waking up in bed with a man he doesn’t remember meeting the night before is a little jarring, but this is not the first time. It makes him wonder briefly if something is wrong with him. Remus is tired. Exhausted with himself and getting a little tired of this much fun. Instead of finding a diner for breakfast he catches a bus home and asks Logan if they can hang out tomorrow. If anyone will force him to go home, go to practice, sleep and not give him a choice to study or not without expecting him to explain himself. It will be everyone’s favourite Large Nerd. Remus doesn’t know what’s happening or why he feels like this, but he needs to go home and stop this for a little bit.Virgil, D, and Logan will help him get things a little back on track.

[oops-prow-did-it-again]

Pokémon Retold: Ultra Sun - Chapter 13 (Alone Together)

Pokémon Retold: Ultra Sun on FFN

Pokémon Retold: Ultra Sun on AO3

Pokémon Retold (series) on AO3

Child of Unova on AO3

Consider tipping/supporting/commissioning me on Patreon? :3

Heeey look I'm alive, though I'm gonna go dark for those 2 weeks after tomorrow, I'm sorryy

In other news, if you read my Black and Black 2 stories, you'll maybe remember that there was a dude named Taven in them. As I mentioned before, Taven is actually an OC from a friend of mine, ClumsyReaper. They've been writing out Taven's story in more detail over on Archive of Our Own under the title 'Child of Unova,' though their penname is also ClumsyReaper over there. Feel free to give it a read! Taven's story seems like it's going to take a more nuanced look on Pokemon White's version of events by focusing on worldbuilding more so than the events of the game, such as how the gym leaders and League function.

Saying that to say, my version of Taven is set in a different universe from his version - so you'll notice some key differences between them if you do check it out. You'll also notice some other cool parallels between his world and mine, too, such as the existence of certain characters. Anyway, it's not that long and you should check it out :)

——————

Back at the entrance of Verdant Cavern, Elio had no idea what he was looking at. The Gumshoos, still rippling with that vibrant, strobing light, was growling and spitting at two people dressed in stuff that made them look like they belonged in an ancient episode of Star Trek. One was an older man based on the sound of his voice, while the other looked like a girl perhaps even younger than Selene, based on her squeakier tone and petite frame. Both, however, didn't seem to know what to do about the Gumshoos. Just as Elio had skidded to a halt in front of them, the man had sent forth a Furfrou, but chattered to his colleague as if he had no idea what to do with it. Just as Elio intended to ask them what they thought they were doing, the man focused his attention on him. "You, young man," he uttered bluntly, "do you know where a woman named Lillie Rae Aether is located in this cavern? We do not wish to intrude and would rather avoid confrontation with this creature." He flicked his wrist at the Gumshoos.

"Al-ol-a!" his colleague beamed, giving him a jerky, robotic Alolan wave. "That's it, right?"

"Zossie!" the older man snapped at her.

"Sorry, Dulse!" Zossie unflinchingly sang, totally unfazed by the bite in his voice, following by a giggle.

As if losing its patience, the Gumshoos hissed and took a decisive step forward, snapping its teeth mere centimeters away from the Furfrou's nose. The pokémon yelped and its claws clattered against the stone as it dove behind Dulse and Zossie cowardly, shivering.

"Aw, it's okay!" Zossie comforted the pokémon right away, bending to her knees to pet its head. "You can fight when you want to!"

"No, it can't!" Dulse exasperatedly growled. "We need it to fight now, Zossie. Can you get it up?"

Elio narrowed his eyes at them both. They wanted Lillie, but what for? Lillie always seemed so on edge, and he had been told that some bad people wanted to get ahold of her and her odd little pokémon, Nebby… Well, these people certainly seemed unlike anyone else he'd met on Alola so far, and he didn't recognize those outfits from anywhere else, either. Thinking fast, knowing he couldn't hope to potentially fight the furious Gumshoos alongside Selene and Hau after if he tired Macho out dealing with Dulse and Zossie and their Furfrou, Elio took a deep breath and pulled his Rotom Dex from his pocket. Unlike Selene's, his didn't immediately wriggle out of his grasp and start chattering away. Given their circumstances, he couldn't blame it, and he was glad, too; his plan to disorient and send the duo packing relied on his Rotom Dex's subservience.

"Hey, fellas!" Elio drawled as he theatrically threw his hands wide. "You two don't look like you're from around here! Lillie's not here right now, but I'll be sure to leave her a message! Who should I leave the name in? Tweedle-Dee, or Tweedle-Dumb? Anyway," he flamboyantly grinned and slid closer to them, daring to wrap an arm around Dulse's shoulders. Flicking through the options on the Rotom Dex's screen until he located the camera, he snapped a picture of him and the odd man in the same photograph. He wanted some form of evidence to show… er… somebody, if these people were dangerous to Lillie in some way. He actually didn't know what he intended to do with the picture, but it was an almost instinctive reaction, to photographically document something so out of place. Still, his voice maintained that jeering tone and he joked, "Look at that, now you have a souvenir! Give me an email to send it to, why don't ya? But you'll need to do it outside." Elio jabbed a thumb in the Gumshoos' direction. As if to emphasize Elio's point, it snarled obnoxiously loudly. "See, Big, Yellow, and Fluffy doesn't like visitors that aren't challengers, and you guys aren't that, and that's not cool, so…"

Dulse abruptly slapped Elio away, clearly fed up with his odd behavior, and huffed disdainfully. "I do not understand anything you are talking about. We are not here for the trial, or the Gumshoos, or you, or photographs. We are looking for Lillie Rae Aether and her Cosmog. We must return it to containment to prevent disasters from befalling your world and ours."

"Though, we're kinda bad at battles," Zossie chimed in almost ashamedly from behind her partner, still stroking the Furfrou's head. Her voice had much more inflection and personality to it than Dulse's. "See, we don't do that where we come from! So… we kinda don't know how they work, heh!"

"Man, you're fun at parties, huh?" Elio mused to Dulse's face, then gawked at Zossie when she spoke. What the hell are either of them talking about? Where on Earth do people not battle pokémon…? Shit, can I move there? "Where the hell are you two from, anyway? Did Holon lose a couple spies?" he taunted. Actually, that would be kind of awesome if they turned out to be Holoni spies…

"Elio, wait!"

Casting a quick look over his shoulder, Elio saw Selene jog to a stop, her Rowlet hovering around her head. He noticed then that Hau was watching from a distance in the shadows of cavern, his brown eyes as wide as saucers, and shoulders hunched. He seemed to be trying to keep as still and quiet as possible. He supposed it had worked, since Elio hadn't noticed him before then. Waving a hand at his sister dismissively, Elio said, "Stay back, I got this. Just showin' our two new friends here some hospitality!" I don't know who or what they are. For real, Selene, stay outta this, he thought with a fleeting flash of sobering severity.

"Is that Furfrou not going to fight?" Dulse questioned Zossie, his voice dropping an octave.

She shuffled uncertainly as she stood back up. "No, I don't think so…"

"Well—"

Dulse was abruptly cut off by the Gumshoos lunging at him, snapping its teeth around his helmet. Its teeth slid off the sleek metal with a show of sparks, but it still knocked him off balance, tilted his helmet at a strange angle, and panicked his Furfrou. The pokémon whimpered and then tore out of the cavern. Seemingly without a second thought, Zossie yelped something incoherent and darted after it, and Elio jolted when he thought he saw her vanish before she finished fleeing the cave. Under Selene, Elio, and Hau's gawking, Dulse huffily brushed his suit off. "Fine, we will leave for now, for we must secure that pokémon and Zossie," he said, "but understand this. Cosmog has more abilities than you or most others in Alola understand. Until we convince you to let us return it to containment, you must understand that it cannot be allowed to fall into the wrong hands. Aether Foundation was providing a secure environment to house the Beast. By keeping it away, you are endangering this world and the next. Am I clear?"

"What on Earth are you talking about?" Elio asked breathlessly, feeling as if everything Dulse was saying went in one ear and out the other. Before Dulse had a chance to reiterate what he had said (and somehow, Elio felt as if the second round of exposition wouldn't have been any clearer), the Gumshoos snapped its teeth at him again. This time, Dulse managed to dodge the bite, and he stiffly ran after where Zossie had gone then, out of sight before long.

"I'm going out after them to check on Lillie," Elio said immediately, only to have the Gumshoos whirl around and hiss at him. He vaguely heard Hau and Selene snap at him to get back, but he felt frozen as he realized just how close to that beastly Totem Gumshoos he was. Its jagged fangs that had scraped and dug into Dulse's helmet were uncomfortably close, and even more alarmingly, his mind had blanked. His legs felt like lead and he couldn't… move… Suddenly, Macho courageously leapt from the ground at the Gumshoos' face, lashing claws furiously over its nose again and again as it hissed. Selene's Rowlet then dove at its head in a cloak of vines and leaves, while Hau's Popplio blew a bubble that, once it popped next to the Gumshoos, let out a blast of noise that made the Gumshoos backpedal away from the assault. Once it regained its composure, it snapped its fangs over Selene's Rowlet, temporarily stunning the little pokémon as it struggled out of its grasp and back into the air.

"This battle's not over," Selene puffed at her brother as she fell into step next to him. With a curt, reassuring nod, she called, "Rowlet, you've got this! C'mon!"

"We battle Gumshoos," Hau determinedly added as he flanked Elio on the other side, "then find Lillie. Ae!"

"But…" Elio let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding.

"Elio, it'll be okay," Selene reassured him with a gentle smile. "I'm sure Lillie's fine… C'mon, let's beat this thing!"

Taking a shaky breath and trying to steel his nerves, Elio found that he could move his feet again. "Alright," he breathed, tucking his Rotom Dex back into a pocket. Ahead of the three of them, their starters readied for their next strike, Macho arching its back, Selene's Rowlet hovering in the air in front of her (though it was faltering slightly in exhaustion), Hau's Popplio clapping its flippers together, all the while, the Totem Gumshoos panted tiredly. Noticing that gave Elio the burst of confidence he felt he needed and for once… he found himself not really thinking about the nastiness of battle. The adrenaline and emotions coursing through him in that moment seemed to banish whatever misgivings he had about the process all at once, and he ordered Macho to perform another Ember. Somehow, with Selene and Hau at his side and their pokémon aligned in front of him, he felt more… alive.

With that, another Disarming Voice from Popper, and Leafage from Selene's Rowlet, the Gumshoos' ethereal glow shuddered and then faded altogether as it collapsed to its stomach. There was a long stretch of silence where the three of them panted breathlessly as their pokémon retreated to their sides before it seemed to set in that they had beaten the Totem Gumshoos. Once Elio reached the conclusion that they had, though, he uncharacteristically hollered in excitement and lunged forward, snatching his Litten in his arms and giving something of a twirl. "Macho, man, we did it! Haha!"

"Congratulations!" Captain Ilima's voice carried from somewhere else in the cave, making the three of them quizzically look up and around, until Elio spotted him step out from behind his fallen Gumshoos. He recalled the pokémon to an Ultra Ball, tucking it away, and then calmly strode over to them with something wedged beneath his left arm. When he drew nearer, Elio realized 'it' was actually several silvery crystals, similar to the ones Kahuna Hala had hewn into the odd bracelet he and Selene now wore. He cocked his head at the crystals as Captain Ilima distributed them amongst the three of them.

"Normally," Ilima sighed, "you'd have picked these up from the altar itself deeper in the cavern, but… I see Gumshoos had to come help you deal with some intruders to the Verdant Cavern… I'll admit, I didn't get to see them before they left, but there is still someone in this cavern that shouldn't be." With that, he briskly marched past Elio, Selene, and Hau, over to a fallen log that acted as a natural bridge between two raised plateaus of stone. Ducking below it deftly, he briefly vanished from sight, before recoiling so fast he nearly hit his head on the log. "Lillie!" he puffed, brushing himself off as he stood to his full height. He exasperatedly put a palm to his forehead. "Come out of there, now, please… It's just me, Captain Ilima."

"Lillie?" Elio echoed, unceremoniously setting Macho to the ground and scrambling to Ilima's side, so relieved to find she was inside and not out there with the two strange people. "You're in there?"

"Are they gone?"

"Yeah, of course," Elio snorted. "Ran with their tail tucked between their legs!" Thinking himself clever, he smirked. "Oh, and the Furfrou ran off too, I guess."

Slowly, Lillie crept out from beneath the fallen log, her eyes pressed to thin slits as she glared at Captain Ilima. Before either she or the Captain could say anything, though, Elio excitedly bounced from foot to foot and beamed. He was far more eager to see her than he wanted to admit (not that he was doing a good job of hiding his exuberant reaction). "Lillie! You're alright! Uh, but…" He frowned and cocked his head. "Who were those people? What were they rambling about with Nebby…?"

"They're bad people who want to help do bad things to Nebby," Lillie answered standoffishly, still scowling at Captain Ilima. Preemptively, she bared her teeth at him and snapped, "Before you say anything, I had to go in here because I had no choice. They blocked my escape out of the entrance, so I came in here. I wasn't about to get caught to avoid making your pokémon mad."

"I never said anything about your reasoning for entering not being strong enough," Ilima asserted pointedly. "It's alright, Lillie. There's no need for you to be so combative. I'm… not going to tell anyone." He shuffled his feet and briefly looked at the ground as he said that. "You other three, let me show you how to use the Normal-type Z-moves—"

"Those two people are after her, and like, want to steal her pokémon by the sounds of it," Elio cut him off crossly, "aren't we gonna do something about that? Like, report them, or…?" You guys have got to take pokémon thievery seriously, at least! That's the least you guys could do! Now that he knew Lillie was out of harm's way, his mind had come to the natural conclusion that he never wanted anything like that to happen again. Lillie did not deserve to live in fear.

Captain Ilima blinked at him. "Report them to… who? I was going to warn Kahuna Hala about them after I learned more from you three about them, but… Do you mean anything else?" Without waiting for Elio to incredulously inform him of what he meant, Ilima's eyes suddenly widened. "Oh! You mean to police, or some other institution like that… I remember that from when I was in Kalos…" He frowned and scuffed a shoe against the stony floor. "I can inform them, but I'm not sure what they would do… Especially since nothing actually happened… Admittedly, the most they would do should they find the people would be to suggest they don't do that…"

It was Selene's turn to chime in. She shook her head in disbelief. "What do you mean? You guys have police, right?"

"From my understanding, we did before…" Captain Ilima sounded so uncomfortable. "I mean, a very long time ago… But over time, the Tapus felt as if they were undermining their authority, and that if they thought people were doing anything wrong, they would intervene… At least, that is how the Kahunas of the time interpreted it. Police exist, but they're not as you know them in other regions, I don't think. We have general guidelines to allow people to live peacefully, and most do follow them," Ilima stressed, "but… nothing nearly as stringent as I have heard Kanto can be. My apologies, I know that is likely quite jarring…" Clearing his throat as if what he had said was big deal, he continued, "Anyway, we should leave the Cavern. I can walk with you three to the Center and help you get checked in for the evening, I know it's getting a little late. There's a café in there if you are hungry, and tomorrow—"

"No, no, stop," Elio waved his hands in front of Ilima to pause him. Swallowing hard, he quavered, "So, you're telling me that police just kind of don't exist here? The Tapus are seen as the law? So, if they had attacked Lillie, or—" Elio's heart suddenly felt like it lurched into his throat. Mom and Dad. Mom and Dad haven't been answering their phones, Mom left that weird note in Galarish for some reason, the door… Meowth… The thin veil of lies he had told himself to reassure himself that his parents were fine felt like it had been torn away violently and his mouth was so, so dry…

"Welcome to Alola, Torchic," Lillie bitterly snorted at him as she brushed past the group, tightly clutching her bag to her side. "I'm with Ilima, though. Let's get out of here, and into the Center for the evening—"

"Mom and Dad are missing," Selene abruptly whispered. When Elio looked at her, she was as white as a sheet. "They left… a weird note… I thought they just…" Trailing off, she gave Elio a frightened, wide-eyed stare. Wordlessly, they both seemed to exchange the same questions: So, where are they really? Who wrote the note? After a moment, Selene stomped her foot and snapped at Ilima, "I just thought after the other day that your police weren't that great, not that you didn't have any real police! What on Earth?"

"Your parents are… missing?" Captain Ilima echoed, concernedly scanning Selene and then Elio with those washed-out eyes. He, too, paled. "What do you mean…?"

Lillie seemed to stop in her tracks at Selene's words. She turned on her heel, her face softer than before, her grip on her bag loose. In fact, her entire posture had slacked. Hau skirted the group until he was next to Lillie, looking equally as sympathetic as he exchanged a knowing look with her.

All their reactions did was serve to scare Elio even further. Shooting Ilima, Hau, and even Lillie distrusting looks, he snatched Selene by her wrist and hissed at her in Kantonian, "Come on, let's go. To the Center. I want us to be alone for a little while." Although she briefly resisted out of shock when he first grabbed her, she soon relented and hurried after him, Macho and her Rowlet following closely. Yet, before they had a chance to scramble out of the cave, Hau dove in front of them and waved his hands wildly at them.

"Wait, please!" he begged. Desperately, he tilted his head and sighed, "I know feeling… Lillie know, too. Let help. Let us help."

"Let you help how?" Elio spat savagely, feeling all his contempt for Hau boil to the surface again. He wasn't feeling so tolerant anymore. The tense understanding they had come to back at the Trainers' School was long gone. "How can you help?"

Hau glanced to Selene as if asking for help, but she only looked down and away from him. At first, he looked taken aback by her reaction, but then… he stiffened his jaw and glowered at Elio. "Alone does not help," he stubbornly growled, straining to stand on his tiptoes to get as close to in Elio's face as he could get. "Do not alone. No."

"Hau's right," Lillie mumbled as she quietly stepped into place next to him. She pressed a hand to Hau's shoulder and he visibly relaxed. With a sorrowful look up to Elio that looked so different from her usual contemptuous glare, she smiled sadly. "Your parents… seemed really nice when I was coming to get you guys… And the way you're clearly upset…" She took a shuddery breath and blinked. "Look, if anything's happened to them, or not and we're just all overreacting, I don't care. I want to help…" Begrudgingly, she muttered, "Also, I guess you did technically help me today… So, there's that, I guess… And Selene did the other day, too…"

"Alola have problem, ae. But never go alone," Hau asserted with uncharacteristic confidence. With a lopsided, easygoing smile that seemed more familiar, he bent down to pick Popper up off the ground. "We find out. Together. Ae!"

"Hau and Lillie have good points," Captain Ilima smoothly articulated as he also moved over to them. "Let me help get you four checked into the Pokémon Center. Whatever's going on with your parents, I want to help in whatever way I can…" He paused and bit his lower lip. "Even though I'm not sure if I'll be that much help after tomorrow… I still want to try."

Panicking by then, Elio swallowed against a mouth of what felt like cotton, unable to process whatever Ilima could have meant by that. He had no idea what to do. It suddenly felt so difficult to trust these people. There was so much about Alola that didn't make sense already, not to mention how it had just been spelled out for him that their parents were most likely not okay, in any capacity, and yet… Who else did they have? He had Selene, yes, but would he be enough to protect her? Lillie, Hau, and Ilima might have been intimidating in that moment, but they knew things about Alola neither he or Selene did… It became painfully clear to him, even though he couldn't quite think in words, just how much he relied on his parents and their family. The idea of suddenly not having either of their parents to help them was abjectly terrifying.

Before he could reach his conclusion, Selene answered for him. "Thank you… All of you…" She wormed her way out of Elio's vice-grip, and her shoulders sagged wearily. "Some… some help would be nice…" Her voice breaking a little, she admitted, "I don't understand this place, but all I know now is that my parents could be in trouble, and if you guys want to help… Please. I'm begging you to please help us, because we aren't going to know what we're doing here."

Elio looked down at the floor. At last, he gruffly whispered, "She's right…"

"We all together," Hau repeated himself firmly. "Follow Captain Ilima. To Center. Talk there more, ae?"

"Sounds good to me, Hau," Selene sniffled a little.

As they fanned out of Verdant Cavern, Elio felt a tidal wave of guilt wash over him, for not having the answers for what to do in this situation, for being so scared when he felt he should have known what to do. He felt like the biggest Magikarp out of water, ever, and he hated that not only he would have to rely on these people he was finding increasingly difficult to trust, but his sister would, too. He didn't mind risking himself in any capacity, but he wished he could have, at the very least, found a way to guarantee her safety… But if Mom and Dad had something happen to them in their very homes without anyone noticing, and if Alola didn't really even have police, how safe could either of them really be? Why had Lillie and Hau exhibited such a surprising change in personality upon learning they were worried their parents were missing?

He felt like he had traveled across space and time and landed in an entirely different world. Alola was a far, far cry from Kanto's heavily guarded streets and strict security measures, where the idea of little to no policing would have been laughed at like the funniest joke anyone had told in the last millennium. As he cagily glanced to the horizon and took in the beautiful, picturesque landscape, Elio curled his lip.

A picture could tell a thousand words, and he was starting to realize that Alola's picture had a true, sinister exposure beneath its delightful contrasts and vibrant colors.

[edorazzi]

Well, here we are again! Twitter said yes to a review post for a Miraculous magazine that suddenly showed up in my local area. ‘Tis the season after all, and by that I mean someone bought it for me as a joke birthday gift and I was way too happy about that.

I’ve done previous reviews of the Miraculous Christmas calendar, Easter egg set, superhero fashion dolls and action figures, so let’s dive into the unknown world of merchandising yet again!

(As always, if you enjoy my posts, please consider checking out my Twitter page or supporting me on Patreon for lots of bonus content!)

4 FREE GIFTS! PACKED WITH ACTIVITIES! MEET THE KWAMIS! PRANKS & LOLS! CUT-OUT MEMES! FANGIRL ALERT! NAIL ART! 100% OFFICIAL! I’m overwhelmed! It feels like I’m having a seizure just from the packaging!!! 

I should preface this by saying I haven’t bought a magazine like this in years. Possibly ever. I read things like the Beano, Animals & You and the odd Disney Princess zine when I was a kid but I have no idea what to expect from a free-gift-packed kiddie magazine in 2019. If the outside is anything to go by we’re in for a wild ride.

I’m noticing that it says “Miraculous #20″ on the back. Does this mean I’ve missed 19 previous issues? I’m genuinely a little upset by that. My local area is a complete dry zone for Miraculous so I haven’t had the chance to pick these up.

First step: let’s separate everything out and get a look at these freeeee giftssss. Except they aren’t free, because this magazine was like £3.99. This does seem to be the current trend - it’s kinda rare to see any kids’ zines without the excess packaging crammed with ‘free’ stuff. Is it really too expensive to just produce the magazine? Probably, in this economy.

Chat Noir is revealed on the cover! He was on the back of the plastic jacket, but it’s still nice to see the kids as a front-cover duo. Apparently we’re going to learn to draw Pollen, too, which sounds fun. I’m actually liking the look of the gifts as well, but we’ll get into those in a minute.

This hairbrush............. is adorable. Oh my god. It’s pretty cheap and flimsy but it functions the way it’s supposed to, and the Ladybug design has been taken into account in a better way than “it’s red/black, that counts” (lest we forget the UTTER BULLSHIT of the Christmas calendar, and YES I’m still mad about that). I don’t know how well I expect the outer sticker to last, but if it can take a bit of wear and tear this would be an adorable little travel brush. Nicely done, lads!

These nail stickers? Also adorable. They remind me of the kiddie makeup sets I had when I was little, back in the early 00s when plastic stick-on nails and decals were all the rage. Are they still a thing? That’s nice to know.

There are 13 designs (that I can count) - a Queen Bee mask, Chat Noir pawprint cake, macaron, cupcake, heart-print cookie, Ladybug stud, flower, lightning bolt, love heart, Marinette heart, bee, fox tail and star. The majority are directly related to the show and that makes them feel special. No Carapace though? :(

I’ve put a little Marinette heart on my furthest finger. At the time of typing this up (about a day later) it’s still firmly in place. I haven’t really knocked it around, granted, but it’s not flimsy enough to fall off after five minutes either. It’s also really cute to look at. Guess I’m still a decal-loving 2004 girl at heart......

These stickers though!!! Wow! They’re those holographic and slightly-puffy kind and they feel like pretty good quality, and the designs are so cute! I can’t fault these, they’re absolutely adorable. I immediately want to stick them everywhere.

So I’ve stuck them everywhere. I’m especially proud of the light switch pun. My room looks GREAT.

I saved these “mystery stickers” for last because I’m weak for the thrill of mystery bags, and there wasn’t anything on the packaging to indicate what kind of designs to expect. And OH!!!! OH, IT’S MY BOY!!!! Look at him!!!! 

I made jokes with the Christmas calendar about all the Chat Noir items being stolen ahead of time, but that’s definitely NOT the case with this magazine. I have been SPOILED with the presence of my cat son.

These stickers are similar to the sticker sheet (and the Chillin’ Out design is reprinted), but they’re puffier and non-holographic. I’m deeply allured by the “decorate your phone or tablet” suggestion on the packet, but I’m going to see how the previous stickers withstand the wear-and-tear of my laptop lid before adding any more. If I damage these beautiful Adrien stickers I’ll be devastated.

Those are our free gifts! They’re actually very fun and cute, I’m really happy with them! I guess now it’s time to get into the magazine itself...........

I genuinely almost forgot the magazine was the main part of this package. I figured I was done, but we’ve barely even started! Here’s a splash page of the kwami. Kwami with a capital K? Kwamis? I still feel like it should be singular-lower-case-k-kwami. I’ve never been happy about this “miraculouses” business either.

But is that--

It IS!!!! It’s Nino!!! 

I guess this is the new flavour of Miraculous tie-ins. Now they’ve broadened out to a full team we’re seeing a lot more of Adrien alongside the girls, and Nino is the elusive hero who shows up once in a blue moon. At least this time his name isn’t in the title of the gotdam show.......

Anyway, I can see I’m supposed to draw my “fave Kwami”. Better get to it.

Felix just wants a break. Just one break. But not in this magazine.

Speaking of seeing more of Adrien (and, tragically, less of Nino), this is the kind of splash page I want to see! Both kids are here! The banner themed with Marinette’s signature flowers is a nice touch too; that’s associated with her arts ‘n’ crafts in the show already and it makes sense to apply it to the creative portion of this magazine too.

I LOVE the promotion of Chat Noir nails as something the little girls buying this magazine will definitely want to try. I’d expect them to do Marinette vs Ladybug nails, but instead we get a boyish option! Hell yeah!

I’m a little confused by the Queen Bee masks apparently going on the Chat Noir nails though. I guess they’re friends? Is this secret AdriChlo confirmation? Watch out, Marinette, Kagami’s not the one to be worried about.

SURE WOULD BE NICE TO HAVE SOME TURTLE STICKERS FOR AN ALL-BOYS THEME BUT I GUESS NOT HUH

Next up is a short merch catalogue (why would you put the big bold arrow pointing right to the underoos.....). Would those Chat Noir socks come in my size? Asking for me.

Then there’s......... this page. FANGIRL ALERT. God. It’s like the Ladyblog, if only the Ladyblog ever gave a heck about reporting what Chat Noir’s up to.

THE SPELL WAS BROKEN AND THE FANDOM IMPLODED WITH JOY.

I really have to wonder what age range this is meant for. Do kids know what a “fandom” is? Do little girls consider themselves “fangirls”? I guess most kids have enough internet access to figure it out these days (all the hashtags and LOLs and memes speak volumes), but I can’t imagine being young enough to fit the target range of this magazine while also knowing these terms. I dunno.

(Also, the definition of ‘implosion’ is ‘an instance of something collapsing violently inwards’, so I’m not sure that’s the word they’re looking for. Unless the return to the status quo in Dark Cupid and the continuing stagnation of the love square was enough to make people quit in frustration? Probably.)

I’m filling it in, of course. Because I must.

I gave up on the pre-approved ratings system pretty much right away, but I think this is an accurate rating of my LadyNoir opinions. 

I might be kinda cynical about it here, but I am actually pretty fond of how this magazine sells Ladybug and Chat Noir as a couple. The show’s portraying it as very onesided lately, with Chat pining over Ladybug who has absolutely no interest in him (Glaciator was a TERRIBLE episode and I’m still hurting from it), but reading this zine I’d guess they were already dating. It’s cheesy, but in a nice way.

I have to laugh at “the most amazing thing about this super duo is that they always look out for and protect each other” though. Chat’s usually pretty focused on LB, sure, but there are endless instances of LB using Chat as cannon fodder and just generally abandoning him to get mauled by akuma while she carries out her personal private plan to save the day. Maybe we’re just focusing on the better-written episodes, huh?

Moving ahead. I’ve been dreading this page since reading “Plaggs Pranks & LOLs” on the back of the packaging. I feel hatred in my very bones just looking at it.

I like that there’s ONE instance of the term “ladybird” in the joke column. This is a UK-based magazine and that IS the word we tend to use over here - “ladybug” is an Americanism - but it’s like they’re worried kids could have got to the middle of this magazine about a superhero named Ladybug and then not understand the bug jokes. Maybe whoever was writing this page slipped up?

OH NOOOOO. MARINETTE, NOOOOOOOOOO.

THIS IS WHY FELIX GOT RID OF YOU, PLAGG. THESE ARE ADRIEN’S PROBLEMS NOW.

(mmm whatcha saaaaay)

I mean........... YEAH, I guess, but we absolutely did see Plagg destroy Felix with an entire shelf of heavy books. I guess he’s nicer with Adrien. It’s all fun and games until someone has a nervous breakdown in the library.

I do love the concept of Tikki getting glitter-bombed by Plagg through the mail. She just curiously opens up the little letter which got slipped into Marinette’s purse, and-- WOOSH. One entire wall of Mari’s room is glittery except for a little Tikki-shaped silhouette. 

Next up is a two-page comic which is absolutely adorable! Look at those little chibis! The warm and soft colour palette! This is nicer than most of the official Miraculous comic book art I’ve seen, I hope they keep giving this artist work.

Nino’s here too (and he looks great!), and I like the touch of Marinette and Adrien playing as each other’s superhero characters. Adrien even wins the match, though I guess there’s something to be said about Ladybug beating Chat Noir (again)...... 

It does raise the question yet again of where this tie-in merchandise is coming from! They’ve had action figures, a movie, music video features, now an arcade game... Who’s getting the royalties here? Who’s profiting? Is this how Fu can afford to buy all those rare ingredients for the magic potions?

Over the page we have an activity to Design your Secret Lair! Right away I love the Marinette theme of the page, the soft pink and flowers, and the drawing space looking like a page in a binder with marker tabs and everything.

I have to design my secret lair, of course: 

What do you think? I’m very creative. I’ll need an adult to send in the drawing of my hideout but I think I’ve really got a shot at those unicorn headphones.

Now we’re on to puzzles and character pages. I don’t know what ol’ Gabe is doing trying to meet a 13 year old girl in the dead of night without telling anyone, you’d think if he’s got that much free time on his hands he could be spending it with his son.

I don’t know how those points in Ladybug’s power profile are awarded or what they mean, but you can tell this is a fan magazine. Official sources would have put her at a 10.

Standard House of Villains page! Most of these were good episodes but I’m deeply offended Riposte isn’t on here. Maybe her motives weren’t dramatic and cartoonish enough to be up in the ranks with Glaciator and Gorizilla?

“Cat Noir’s dad is also the evil Hawk Moth”, huh? I mean that’s not WRONG, but is it really something to put in his power profile when Adrien doesn’t even know yet??? Feels like we’re kinda jumping the gun on the poor boy. What if he picks up this magazine?

Apparently he’s one point weaker than Ladybug (seriously???), two points faster, equally as agile, one point less skilled and two points less cool. Despite all those lesses he still comes out at an equal 9, which is a relief! These kids are a team, putting either of them below the other would have been a big no.

I did the colouring page too, naturally. Je suis un artiste.

Now we’ve got a page fresh from the Ladyblog, a Miraculous quiz! Not a lot of excitement, but it’s nice to see Alya getting her own section.

I like that the qualifications of “you could be Ladybug herself!” are knowing what city Marinette lives in and what school she goes to. Well done, Mari! You’re doing your best!!!

TEACHER I AM SO HUNGRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

I gotta say, I’m not so sure about decorating donuts with fondant. I’ve never tried it so I could be wrong, but it feels like rolled icing instead of frosting(?) would be too heavy for an entire donut. The texture is totally different.

I mean I guess if you’re going to load your kids up on sugar you might as well go all the way. They’re going to look like they’ve eaten something horrible with all that black fondant, but they’ll have fun. Adrien would love these.

WHERE’S NINO. THIS IS JUST UNFAIR. You’ll have four out of five heroes, then a double of Marinette and Tikki? Maybe this just goes to show how little memorable dialogue Carapace has.

Though if “Spots On!” is Marinette’s dialogue and not Ladybug’s, why are the other transformation phrases attributed to Rena Rouge and Queen Bee instead of Alya and Chloé? Surely they could have picked something better for Marinette to justify having her on this list twice instead of Nino.

The next page brings us one of those flowchart quizzes! And ouch, yet again the absence of the other heroes is obvious. I can understand not including Chloé here since she’s technically not a “friendly” character yet, but no Nino? Alya and Marinette are close friends, but Adrien doesn’t really hang out with them without Nino around. Having the three of them together just seems strange.

I do like the little fashion page! They’re all cute and affordable and easy to find on the high street here. I’d love to see how other issues of this magazine are structured; is there a different fashion spot every time? Styles to channel each individual hero would be adorable.

Moving on to a tutorial for a Ladybug notebook! I would have made this, but I didn’t have the time nor a notebook to stick it to.

Between this and the donuts, it seems weird that these designs are based on, like... an actual beetle, eyes and antennae and all. Shouldn’t it be Ladybug’s symbol? These come across more like “fun animals” arts ‘n’ crafts instead of themed after Miraculous specifically. I think if I made this (or decorated the donuts) I’d miss out the head and match the spot pattern to Ladybug’s symbol. 

The hidden message design is adorable though. I can see this being a craft kids are super proud of.

Another activity page! I didn’t have a go at these but they’re pretty standard. It’s cute that the coded message designs are the same as the stickers and nail decals!

Also, apparently Ladybug’s ‘secret’ is “LB mask + heart + CN mask”, which was (somehow) stolen by Volpina. Is that the secret Hawk Moth was talking about earlier in the magazine? Is he blackmailing Ladybug with revealing she has a crush on Chat Noir? How did Volpina ‘steal’ this secret? Is LadyNoir finally reciprocated???? THIS IS A WHOLE EPISODE IN ITSELF, I NEED ANSWERS--

Next page we have an ad for another girly magazine (Quizzes! LOLs! Celebs! Cringes! Puzzles!). I think I’ll pass, no matter how appealing that giant microphone pen is. 

And a “Miraculous Identity” quiz! Tikki’s apparently super fickle with her wielders, three seasons of relentlessly praising Marinette and now she’s telling us we’re the Chosen Ones. You can’t fool me with those big ol’ eyes.

My inner superhero is Marvellous Fox, by the way. Though yet again I’m noticing we don’t have turtle options...................

And on the back cover... the memes. Oh, sweet lord, the memes. They’re hashtag-SoRelatable! And I can cut them out to keep! Oh boy!!!

Is this what kids do when they have limited internet access? Cut fresh memes out of magazines and carry them around? I need to know.

That’s a very sinister Ladybug at the bottom of the page though. What’s-- What’s she going to do to me if I don’t cut out and keep these memes. Ladybug what are you going to do if I d--

Well that brings us to the end of the magazine! And yet again I’m surprised by how much time it takes to just put a bunch of photos together and write about them.

This is a neat little magazine all in all! The ‘free gifts’ are pretty nice, there’s a fair amount of content and the whole thing is pretty cute for young fans of the show. I could see myself buying this again - if it ever shows up on shelves, Miraculous is so scarce around here that I fully expect it to disappear again after this one issue - just for the free junk, but it would be interesting to see how they’d structure different issues too!

I notice we never did get that promised tutorial on how to draw Pollen; the one advertised on the cover. Was the “draw your favourite Kwami” activity supposed to cover that? I’m not sure that really counts.

If you got this far, thanks for joining me on this Miraculous journey! We’ll meet again whenever I get another piece of weird ML merch to cover. Bien joué!

[ks-caster]

Sometimes the Simplest Solution (Part 2)

Start || Previous 

“Called by the anomaly indeed,” Gabriel commented excitedly to himself as he walked around the four-cubic-foot orb of light, peering into it to get a better look at Octavia, who was loosely curled in the fetal position, with all of her exposed skin still covered in glowing symbols. Her eyes were lightly closed, like she was asleep or meditating, but her face hadn’t lost the pinched, drawn, eternally tired look it had had since Diyoza had first laid eyes on her in her leather armor and red war paint. She’d hoped that the younger woman would relax more in unconsciousness, but then since she was still inside the anomaly, who could say what her mind was experiencing. 

Or perhaps at this point her exhaustion was bone deep, unshakable even in an advanced-science-magic-induced sleep.

Diyoza felt like the psychotic, drug-like pull had vanished entirely from her brain, leaving her hungover and painfully bleak. Her daughter was still safely growing inside her carefully protected uterus, right where she should be - there was no need to rush after a child version of her, and certainly no need to break Octavia’s kneecap over it. She couldn’t assess how much damage she’d done, since the younger woman was clearly not putting any weight on her left leg at the moment - but she could see that the damage to her arm had healed, so she hoped that meant the anomaly had fixed her up in general.

“So, weren’t you supposed to know better than to get this close?” she checked as she strolled a few steps away to casually circle the clearing, establishing a safe perimeter. 

“I thought I was far enough,” Gabriel responded, still observing Octavia, pulling a thick, leather-bound notebook out of his bag as he paused on her left side. The young, perfect skin of her arm had the highest concentration of symbols, arranged in a spiral pattern reaching up from her hand and wrapping around her arm up to her shoulder. He started feverishly to catalog them. “It must have extended its reach...”

Diyoza reached out and ran a finger down the comfortingly familiar bark of a tree - oak, its leaves swaying gently and recognizably above her head, acorns littering the ground around her feet. It had been the first time since waking up in orbit that she’d actually recognized a plant; all the trees and foliage on Sanctum was just a little bit diff-

“We’re on Earth,” she realized abruptly.

“What?” Gabriel muttered distractedly, grabbing a stick from the ground and gently poking it into the anomaly to see if what would happen. “No - even if we did get displaced temporally there’s no reason why we would have left Sanctum. It’s a temporal anomaly, not a spatial anoma- ow!” he exclaimed as an acorn whacked him on the side of his face.

“So did you guys plant a bunch of earth trees at some point while you were cataloging the native species in the local ecosystem and hope they’d all get along or what?” she asked, lightly tossing the next acorn so he could catch it. 

“I…” he muttered, turning the nut over in his fingers, eyes wide and confused. “But this…”

“She said she wanted to go home, right before she stepped into the big glowing circle,” Diyoza commented quietly, walking back towards the other two. “I think the anomaly might have heard her.” She stopped in her tracks, leaning her weight on her back foot and stepping down with her front again, listening to the hollow creak of what she’d bet real money was a trapdoor. Kneeling, she felt around until the carefully camouflaged wooden handle was wrapped in her fingers, then pulled it open, grabbing the flashlight out of her pocket and leaning down to view the interior.

“There’s a whole little caveman house under here,” she announced. Gabriel glanced in her direction but then (predictably, she thought) turned back to writing down the symbols. “I wonder if this is where she lived before she went all… well, Caesar,” she muttered mostly to herself. She knew that Octavia had been one of the original 100 juvenile delinquents sent down to the ground like human radiation canaries, thanks to Clarke, and she knew that Octavia had quickly adopted the local warrior culture and embraced violence as her major means of self-expression, thanks to Kane. But she realized as her eye cataloged details of the little underground house that she didn’t really know much else about her new friend’s history. The space was simple and functional, like a lone warrior lived there. Perhaps it really was hers.

“Whoa!” Gabriel shouted as a sudden rumble of sound emanated from the anomaly, and Diyoza looked up just in time to see him flying backwards across the clearing, his momentum stopping when he hit a tree and fell to the ground, the air whooshing involuntarily out of his lungs.

“Guess she doesn’t like being poked with a stick,” she quipped, closing the door of whoever’s house she’d just broken into and walking over to give the immortal a hand up.

“The stick she didn’t seem to mind,” Gabriel coughed, trying to get his balance back. “Once I saw it wasn’t petrifying, I figured I’d try to pull her out. She did NOT like me putting my hand in there.”

“Well, you were trying to kill her pretty recently,” Diyoza reminded him dryly as she inspected the back of his head for damage - nothing beyond some leaves and bits of bark stuck in his hair. He’d live. 

“Any clue when this is exactly?” he asked, clearly not wanting to discuss his recent attempts on both of their lives, or theirs on his, when there was something so scientifically exciting happening. “The air smells pure, so I’m guessing it’s after the bombs… So we’re probably getting irradiated right now,” he realized aloud, looking uneasily at her, and then at her baby bump.

“Relax, Florence Nightingale,” she said, guessing his meaning. “They didn’t give us the good stuff like you on Eligius III, but me and my guys all had a form of blood alteration* so that regular old radiation from space wouldn’t kill us in our sleep and deplete the workforce. That was pretty normal at the time for astronauts in general - Octavia’s people probably had the same thing, passed down genetically from their ancestors. No fancy color change, but enough that my kid should find the weather here to her liking.”

The air did smell pure - not the dusty smell of the post-apocalyptic desert that had permeated even the green valley last time she was here, and not the dense, bitter odor of industry that had reached even into the middle of the forest preserve she’d gone camping in as a little girl. It wasn’t like Sanctum - too humid, too sweet, too alien to be comforting. 

‘I am NOT one of those  tree-hugging hippies,’ she reminded herself sternly as the emotional thought crossed her mind that this was what that silly Tree-Crew teenagers gang had been protesting for when she’d watched them being arrested in droves on the news, scoffing that with all of the problems in the world, that was the hill they’d chosen to die on. Maybe they’d been just a tiny bit right, she decided as she pointed her flashlight into the foliage and picked out what looked like a well-used path. 

“I’m going to take a walk,” she announced, “see if I can find civilization, or at least figure out when this is. Don’t touch the glowing mystery orb again,” she instructed, raising an eyebrow and gesturing at Octavia’s still-levitating form for emphasis.

“Aye-aye Colonel,” Gabriel responded with a mock-salute, already back to scribbling in his book.

‘What the hell did I get myself into this time?’ she sighed to herself as she glanced once more at Octavia and the anomaly, and then set out to follow the trail.

Author’s Note: *Was it ever explained how the Eligius dudes didn’t have the same reaction to the (twice!) irradiated Earth as the mountain men? That should have been a real short trip, right? Please somebody let me know which episode talked about that, if it was talked about! 

If not, then I’m going with this theory that it was normal to give astronauts some form of resistance as described - it’s not as good as Nightblood as we’ve seen, but it passes down a perfect genetic replica (which is why skykru is better at metabolizing radiation than the Grounders, per the Mountain Men’s experiments, even though it was explained that the Grounders had Nightblood in their genetic history.)

Next Up on SSS: Diyoza did NOT sign up for this much teenage angst.