#i DON'T NEED TO BE ON TOP TO KNOW IM WORTH IT CAUSE IM STRONG ENOUGH TO KNOW THE TRUTHHH

[predoom]

ohoneohone

Saturday, September 24th, 2005 2:14 pm but i am too weak to be your cure night started out strong. got kinda wack. want to go on a date to the corpse bride? (157 Comments |Comment on this) Tuesday, September 20th, 2005 12:56 pm ruckus juice dear demar,

i am sorry.

sugar in chicago. Monday, September 19th, 2005 12:19 pm mike murphy all up in demar hamiltons ass went to the alk3/my chemical bromance with demar and nick on the dick. pretty hilarious. the bands let the good times roll. went by pizza metro and made awesome jokes. and ate like 60 bucks worth of super flat pizza. startling revelations about demars life. i like hanging with old friends. down the street from the girl to trevia. kinda chill. matt skiba talked to me about clandestine. pretty amazing. we are wearing all black coming up hats. greg let me dj for a minute and i played some faint and refused. P-Unit. people at my house when i went home. freaked me out. sleeeepover prince. search the net and you can find some amazing pictures. Saturday, September 17th, 2005 4:52 pm reNICKulous woah. got my g.i. joe aircraft carrier in the mail yesterday. its seven feet long. thats like me and patrick stacked on top of eachother. ate a box of life cereal yesterday. kinda gross. somehow with all the chaos of everything i got normal again. its weird to me that 50cents mom is a lesbian. i dunno why. it totally fits and totally doesn't. just like everything else. i saw the motorola commercial we were asked to be in with madonna. yeah thats right- "sell out boy" turned one down cause it wasn't the right situation. haha. we would have had to cancel shows and all- just wasn't right. i just wanted to meet the material girl. we don't do everything were asked to. waited out going over to watch demar pass out and get kissed. instead went to the city. carnival life. we bought ice cream shoes online from hongkong. get jealous. counted freckles. yawn. patrick came over today. we worked on some secret stuff. him and his gee eff are way too lame and cute. i cant wait to see corpse bride. awesomeness. just waiting for tonight to happen.

oops comments wahahaha. Thursday, September 15th, 2005 11:27 pm this week he's mopping floors, next week he's on fries early bird gets the worm. took a headache for my tylenol. went to the cover shoot for spin magazine. it was ridiculous as always. i put myself into the worst clothes i could find cause thats just funny to me on the inside. nickplan and drunkmar showed up cause they keep it the realest. got weird emails all day. pretty standard. someday we'll be nostalgic for right now. but until then you can put it in a pinebox. its funny the mistakes you realize you are making as you go about things. cause those are the worst. it only makes sense when you are that close. otherwise its blurry and filled with lies. and you can say whatever you want but in the dark i know what you look like and think- and no one else does. nothing that needs to be spoken of. im the kind of kid that will go to the goddamned end. file me under: fucking speechless. right to her house. wow, it's been a month. we don't talk. it goes without saying. freckles. kinda dreamy. and i ain't too hard on the eyes. only those arms make it okay. i just don't care anymore. this is the three year boy. this is the lover boy. this is the keeper. the is the one that got away. i drop records, not names. so i'm not letting you in. buzznet updated. please leave my friends or whatever alone, because i have- and im sick of hearing about it. raise your hand if you're excited for fall tour. time to become the person i was supposed to be.

Current Music: you make me wanna lala 12:59 am "growing uuuuuuuuup, i guess i am my own better half" what were they thinking? i'm tired. ate for the first time in what feels like forever today. you know gotta keep that charm. what does that even mean? actually have to get up at 9am for a photo shoot tommorrow. the wackest. i guess it could be worse. i could have to sell stuff or work in a factory instead of just getting laughed at by some dumb photographer cause we don't know how to pose right. flashflashflash. goddamn the new panic at the disco record makes me feel okay in any situation. only two people in the entire world know how it goes. its kind of funny that i get to be one of them. but its strange the way only one person makes you feel electric. like you were meant to be three inches away from them always. but then its gone. or they are. went to green street hooligans. ate your popcorn and drank your soda. cause im kinda a baby. movie dates are funny cause you either watch the movie or you talk the whole time. both are kind of a let down. fall is definitely hug season. bring it on. who knows how it turns out. don't believe the hype. i didn't overdose. this really is me typing.

Tuesday, September 13th, 2005 10:39 pm difficult takes a day, impossible takes a week. oh no oh no. i don't get it but then i don't think i am supposed to. today woke up and bought my friend shoes cause she's rad and i like buying stuff for my friends. i am sick, but it's gonna be okay. i love going to bars with my friends and ordering 5 dollar sprites. yeah i'm that guy. right now i wish this was a lyric i wrote: "i dunno why other rappers try and dis you. cause even my superficial raps are super official". i'm supposed to be waiting by the phone but i'm always at front desk in the hotel lobby. i told my friend that i want to get super big bling jesus necklace- they said it doesn't make sense because im not super into jesus- but i told them that was the whole point. i sing the blues just for the covers of magazines. oh yeah. the rest of my day. ive been going out into the real world alot lately. the sun hurts my eyes but you're making me grin. went to joes house in boy's town- its like one inch big and filled with 80 million things. ebay says that my g.i. joe aircraft carrier is in the mail. but who knows cause i tell people shit is in the mail all the time. its like waking up from a dream and not being sure. for sure. our new video is pretty sweet. hung with the bestest. it feels nice outside. time to go play. i think i am going to be vegetarian again, then probably vegan. cause it just feels right. like you. all i do is watch thundercats and crush hard. what a life.

Current Music: christina milian 2:22 am go right on reds, get left at altars i want to write a "hey momma" song for the emo world. it smells like coffee and rain everywhere today for me.

i have lost all respect for you. before you make accusations, check the scoreboard sweetheart.

just when you are about to give up sometimes a light comes on. like its the only one out there. and when you are unhappy they are a shoulder. and they make you laugh when you get thrown out the window like trash from a car. old friends bend. you got me smiling like it was a dream. and i am slowly letting everything else go.

let go let go.

ive got a crush.

[the-firebird69]

Is mcdaddy who is in charge and he is running for vice president with Camilla Harris and he is angry at a lot of idiots there's a lot of them it's a running around saying that our son is an idiot and he's looking at the harbor saying that there's a problem there's too many idiots here and when he says his you're an idiot somehow they're below you and there's something below them and thereafter what is below them not the uranium and what am I gonna do can I drill out and just kill off you so you understand it and the guy says this if they're underneath us they're dead then he says you are too I said if they're underneath you and you say that to me we're getting rid of you and all your **** **** goons cause you're sitting there together so he said I sort of get something it doesn't look good I said no it doesn't don't speak about me that way or to me ever or break your **** legs and stick them up your **** if it's not enough. you can't be that difficult can it smiles and says I sort of get something she thinks I did that at some point what you say is it's right beneath you as the proof said yeah you know you you can't take radiation because the moron in front sorry these people are so damn dumb when I see why they got both of you guys obstructing it from them knowing it's not worth the uranium I mean it is worth it but what do you do if they're there so he says uh 0.

He went ahead and said I can see whatHe went ahead and said I can see what you're saying he didn't know there'd be that much and you think there really isn't by comparison and we're starting to understand what you're saying and underneath is something much more important so I said This is probably not that much but we need it what you said is you think they're below us I said I'm gonna handle it and I know you're saying it's too complicated and they're gonna keep us from the secret by getting rid of us and blaming this idiot Trump because we're right on top of them and I figured out something I gotta get moving on it mac Daddy said

and we say this the holes are the same and exxactly and they measured. two each match. down at the glades. here too teh size si the sameon thescope and no no this isodd. and some macs say like husband and wife two asteroids and soe are befuddled. true too not huge deposits event he vastones. will alst only weeks for the empire fleet. and mac is shocked. and said what isit. our son said it is a ship. and then he broke down. why. noahs ark and a homocidal people and he was upset the mac proper pushed them back then. he moved to find jc and mary get teh truth. and our son says im too young to know. true too. and we help then good this blows the bag and he laughed do you konwwhat it means not entirely is strong language laughd and left and is ws in thought. tons say it. they are in trouble. and the empire would nto fight over this deposit but will about what is below so they ae informed and reach bottom anyways. and thank him now.

Thor Freya

Olympus

[prettyboykatsuki]

Thoughts on Mikey’s character?? He also seems complex in a way but also simple. Either I am utterly in love with him 🙂

i have such strong opinons on his character i fear if i start i may never stop.

spolilers for tokyorev and mentions of trauma, gang violence, etc.

tldr: peoples refusal to understand mikeys position as a victim frustrates me. not saying that makes his actions okay, but i wish people would humanize him more.

i really do like mikey and i like him more in retrospect because i think his character is incredibly emotionally complex and also very nuanced but i do NOT like the fandoms handling of him at all because it either 1. demonizes him to a degree i find alarming or 2. coddles him in a way that doesn't fit his life and how he's been.

i have soo many things to say about. because for a fandom that produces a large body of dark or morally questionable content, people seem almost unwilling to treat mikeys issues with an iota of nuance. especially as we so continuously get information that reflects the same things which is that mikey as a character has greater issues than the rest of his crew that are perpetuated by his position in life.

but you can't talk about mikey without nuance because if you do, you're going to shit on his intricately written character completely.

people can call it what they see fit what those issues are because every character in the show is traumatized, poor, and generally disenfranchised by society at large which turns them to things they wouldn't normally do.

personally i think mikey's dark impulses are merely reflections of his very fractured mental state. i don't think it's of value to name a specific mental illness, and im not qualified to do that but i think people put up defenses because saying mikey has mental illness makes them think you're saying that's what causes him to act like that.

which isn't true nor what im implying because mental illness happens to normal people everyday and they're not violent. but if you look at mikeys circumstances, his life, the death of his siblings and his pronounced and continual trauma - and how those things interact with mental illness, i do genuinely find it unfair that people are so unwilling to be at least a little more understanding to his spiral.

all of that on top of, we don't know what happened to mikey that led him to where we are now. we have no idea what he's witnessed, if he's taken any substances to make this worse, what he's had to do to continue to survive. mitsuya had fashion, draken had his cars, chifuyu and even baji all had aspirations, but mikey didn't. mikey has never had.

i dont think you have to like mikey to understand his position is different from everyone else in the series. the continual loss and the things he must see in his work every day drive him to a point where his instability is tangible.

what michi is trying to do now is something only he can do. because everyone else in mikeys life has to worry about themselves because all of them are poor, disenfranchised kids with hard lives. it's not their fault like they couldn't "save" mikey, or get him the help he needed.

the only reason michi can even think to do that is because he never lived that life. not in the same way everyone else did. his aspirations are because his life was mostly stable up until where the manga starts. and his desire to save mikey is all because he thinks he can even do that.

mikey deserves time and then a lot of therapy and rehabilitation. all michi is trying to do is convince him that his life is worth saving.

i was crushed when draken died. i think it broke me in a way i cant explain, but i think that scenes significance flew over so many peoples heads. draken was mikeys heart. for him to die at mikeys hands is a suicide attempt more than a murder. of course it represents his internal darkness. its fucked up and awful.

but what mikey represents in many ways is simple. you can't save a person who doesn't want to save themselves. what michi is trying to accomplish is pulling mikey that far. what mikey did, has done, keeps doing is a form of self-destruction, one we see he's prone to over and over and over. that darkness is represented in tokyorev frequently.

and it is unjustifiable. but more than i want mikey to rehabilitate himself because i think having him suffer would do more damage to the story than good.

and to be frank, i think too many people have incredibly simplified views of gang life because they've never interacted with it. but i have because of the kind of drugs i was around in my adolescence. getting out is not easy. those people are human beings. not every person who's killed someone for the sake of their own survival is proud of it. that is a mental torture unlike anything else. your willingness to give empathy to imperfect victims says much about your character.

it's easy to simply say "you had a choice," when you don't understand what that shit is like. but to someone like mikey and to the rest of the characters in that show - they've only ever known how to live one way. wakui wrote this story because he knew young kids who got caught up in this crowd, and what the experiences at the hands of a system that doesn't uplift them.

and mikey is a product of that system. he's a product of poverty, trauma, mental illness and early exposure to violence and gang life. he's a product of never receiving the kind of support that a kid like him must've needed. it doesn't justify what he did, but i am so so sick of people pretending that is some senseless beast and not some deep shit that he's spent his whole life steeped in.

[baekhvuns]

Bestie uh look at this hot bitch https://twitter.com/PSHsource/status/1528651982914867202?t=cEzABvk3uMb8OhEFG1cnzg&s=19

Gonna end myself I NEEEEED THIS POLA: https://twitter.com/hwaupdates/status/1528623149025112064?t=1LpoyY1Q2bD8Hjj2zUvbqw&s=19 BOXER HWA IS MY ENEMY

Also I ordered the Wonderwall merch, but they announced more and the PCs are different OF COURSE, but I'm gonna be strong and not buy... all I can do is count that one of my friends gets a Hwa photocard and gives it to me <3

Anyways, lil boy: https://twitter.com/MAS_43ver/status/1528650223592931328?t=Gn35XgIhqayf8jnxtFXZ7g&s=19

This reminds me, I haven't s2 of Bridgerton, totally forgot about it lmao, I kinda liked s1 though it pissed me off at times

Wave Hwa makes me think of bad boy SH fic from ateezmakemeweep THE SURFER BOYFRIEND

AK really wrecked us so badly, what an icon. I also couldn't believe because me and Hwa were matching, I was about to change my hair actually, but thought DAMN NOW I'M GONNA RE-DYE THEM RED! #twinsies. Red hair is amazing, but difficult to manage, so I get why it didn't last long, but 2021 was the year of Seonghwa's hair. I thought he won't top red, but DV hair happened and I felt blessed, but that wasn't enough?! He had to go pink ksudurueuhesgsgsg he did it for me

What did you talk about 👂🏼I think we should rob Seonghwa period. He has too many things I want

😳😵😩😊🤤🤯 - me reading about the villain Y/N fic, pls we love a sexy simp 🥰 oh no poor girl though, but she doesn't stand a chance. Make it 80 chapters or 74637k words bestie it's up to you, but I want it to be long af obviously

Oof rip to that fic and many many others. I recently found a link to one work, but I can't access it since it's under "read more" and the author deleted it 💀

I'm the pigeon lady from Home Alone lmao, cat lady too, just animals lady

Yeah the canals look nice, but 🙊 especially when it's really hot. I stayed in places directly on the canals and mmmhmmm nothing like some stinky water first thing in the morning

Exactly. At this point she doesn't even have many shooters left, I only saw some teens being dumb they're probably same as her 🤡 I really can't predict Hybe's decision at this point, but I doubt she'll be back, this is too big. I saw their stage the title was LE SSERAFIM - Fearless (without Garam) and I screamed ejudisdhshshsjd

Yeah another clown moment from the military stans 🤡

No actually Tomorrow had a happy ending! It was kinda open too, a bit cheesy maybe, but I'm glad everyone's good <3 the show was tormenting enough, sure I would love to see more and I have questions so perhaps they rushed it a bit, but the last scene ❤ Also we saw mr man LSH in handcuffs KNEELING... I mean it was a sad moment actually, man was so miserable (but what's new) yet everyone was like skudushdhdhsissyjs sexy man why so sad?!

Now I can't stop thinking about the series, I wanna finish The Sound of Magic but how can I 😭😭😭 when you eventually watch it let me know, cause we need to talk

The tattoo is done! I actually don't know how many I have, cause some are kinda connected but more than 10 for sure - DV 💖

hi hello!

Bestie uh look at this hot bitch https://twitter.com/PSHsource/status/1528651982914867202?t=cEzABvk3uMb8OhEFG1cnzg&s=19

Gonna end myself I NEEEEED THIS POLA: https://twitter.com/hwaupdates/status/1528623149025112064?t=1LpoyY1Q2bD8Hjj2zUvbqw&s=19 BOXER HWA IS MY ENEMY

BRMQHDKQHDMQHDKW PLS I HOPE U GET IT 😭😭😭😭 SCREAMING HES SO FUCKING FINE IM GONNA START DELULU LEVEL 50 IF HE CONTINUES PLS

Also I ordered the Wonderwall merch, but they announced more and the PCs are different OF COURSE, but I'm gonna be strong and not buy... all I can do is count that one of my friends gets a Hwa photocard and gives it to me <3

you better get a hwa pc or that hwa pola 🔫 LAMINATE THAT POLA BC ITS WORTH TO BE IN A MUSEM PLS,,,, how many merch’s did u buy..

Anyways, lil boy: https://twitter.com/MAS_43ver/status/1528650223592931328?t=Gn35XgIhqayf8jnxtFXZ7g&s=19

i have been avoiding this photoshoot bc it makes me want to write this wedding etl and i 😭😭 CANT DO THIS I WILL WRITE IT AFTER I FINISH THIS ONE

This reminds me, I haven't s2 of Bridgerton, totally forgot about it lmao, I kinda liked s1 though it pissed me off at times

season two >>>>> season one BESTIE WATCH IT WATCH IT !!!!! the chemistry is much better this time,,,, they will piss u off bc tHEY WONT KISS FBWMNDKW but absolutely 100% watch it 🔫

Wave Hwa makes me think of bad boy SH fic from ateezmakemeweep THE SURFER BOYFRIEND

NO BC I DID TOO FHWNFBEK PLS GOSH THAT FIC BROUGHT SOMETHING OUT IN ME WITH THAT DIRTY BLOND HAIR 😩😮‍💨

AK really wrecked us so badly, what an icon. I also couldn't believe because me and Hwa were matching, I was about to change my hair actually, but thought DAMN NOW I'M GONNA RE-DYE THEM RED! #twinsies. Red hair is amazing, but difficult to manage, so I get why it didn't last long, but 2021 was the year of Seonghwa's hair. I thought he won't top red, but DV hair happened and I felt blessed, but that wasn't enough?! He had to go pink ksudurueuhesgsgsg he did it for me

wHAT AN ICON,, my friends get scared when i mention red hair hwa bc they all start going feral nfvvwndbsk FBMWHDKD RED HAIR IS HARD TO MANAGE BC THE COLOUR KEEPS WASHING OFF INTO PINK / CHAMPAGNE 😭😭😭😭 no fr 2021 seonghwa’s hair on top,, im just rly afraid what he’s going to do this time around i 😀 silver or blondy ash better come back 😭

What did you talk about 👂🏼I think we should rob Seonghwa period. He has too many things I want

we actually were planning to meet up but he said they’re a little busy right now,, 😭😭😭 YEAH I WILL ROB SEONGHWA’S ALBUM COLLECTION THAT ONE WITH SIGNS AND HIS JEWELRY COLLECTION ON SPOT

😳😵😩😊🤤🤯 - me reading about the villain Y/N fic, pls we love a sexy simp 🥰 oh no poor girl though, but she doesn't stand a chance. Make it 80 chapters or 74637k words bestie it's up to you, but I want it to be long af obviously

villain y/n is so sexy omg,,,, he’s the bIGGEST SIMP FOR YN AND WILL MAKE SURE EVERYONE SEES IT,,, his girlie tries to take a stand but yn isn’t interested in meddling between them but mr hwa is always there ☺️,,, BFMWHDKW 80 CHAPTERS PLS I CRY WRITING ONE SHOTS ID PASS AWAY AT 80,,, series but like 4 parts 🔫 bc each part would be like 15k+

Oof rip to that fic and many many others. I recently found a link to one work, but I can't access it since it's under "read more" and the author deleted it 💀

NAURRRRRRRRRRRR WHEN U THINK U HAVE A CHANCE BUT IT JUST DISAPPEARS

I'm the pigeon lady from Home Alone lmao, cat lady too, just animals lady

LMFAOOOO 😭😭😭 animal lady with the best cats and pigeons ???? gotta stan,, dv anon vincenzo era

Yeah the canals look nice, but 🙊 especially when it's really hot. I stayed in places directly on the canals and mmmhmmm nothing like some stinky water first thing in the morning

Exactly. At this point she doesn't even have many shooters left, I only saw some teens being dumb they're probably same as her 🤡 I really can't predict Hybe's decision at this point, but I doubt she'll be back, this is too big. I saw their stage the title was LE SSERAFIM - Fearless (without Garam) and I screamed ejudisdhshshsjd

YEAH FBWJDHWK the way they re-recorded the song and changed the choreo so fast iM sURE THEY KNEW pls the whole v and jennie thing 😭😭😭??? they’d be so hot but out of nOWHERE

Yeah another clown moment from the military stans 🤡

when is there ever not a clown moment from them dbfbf

No actually Tomorrow had a happy ending! It was kinda open too, a bit cheesy maybe, but I'm glad everyone's good <3 the show was tormenting enough, sure I would love to see more and I have questions so perhaps they rushed it a bit, but the last scene ❤ Also we saw mr man LSH in handcuffs KNEELING... I mean it was a sad moment actually, man was so miserable (but what's new) yet everyone was like skudushdhdhsissyjs sexy man why so sad?!

LSH IN HANDCUFFS GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE HE W- oh he was miserable??? stop it.

Now I can't stop thinking about the series, I wanna finish The Sound of Magic but how can I 😭😭😭 when you eventually watch it let me know, cause we need to talk / The tattoo is done! I actually don't know how many I have, cause some are kinda connected but more than 10 for sure - DV 💖

I WILL YES WE WILL TALK ABOUT THAT SHOW JDJDJD,, 10??? BESTIE UR LIKE THE EMBODIMENT OF WHAT ID WANNA BE,, omg did u get it in a like or like broke the lyrics down or have an illustration with it?

also.

do u see his muscles.

[catspluscrows]

TW: this is kinda a vent/request. do u do emoji anons? if u do, can i be 💫? anyways, i don't think i'm gonna make it, the voice in my head is too loud. i hate myself so much, i'm so uncomfortable with myself. i'm non-binary and i feel so un wanted. i've been told 2 times today to just kill myself and i'm contemplating just doing it. the voice is so loud....i found my old razor blade, was thinking of cutting again. yeah idk how to deal with my feelings but can you write smth with oikawa? please~

AHHH PLEASE DON’T DO IT 💫 ANON I’M HERE FOR YOU ILY & IM SORRY I KEPT YOU WAITING TUMBLR DECIDED TO FUCK ME OVER AND DELETE MY WORK BY RELOADING 

TW: suicide, i swore above 

Oikawa noticed how you weren’t acting like yourself. Between talking less and the self depreciating jokes you'd make while you both were together, Oikawa was worried. He was especially worried today. "Where's Y/n?" Iwaizumi stopped rolling out the ball bin to tell him you went home early, saying your stomach hurt. "Shit. I have to go." Not questioning the captain, Iwaizumi nods and continues procedure. Oikawa was terrified. 

While trying to open your front door with his spare key he was terrified. He was terrified while running through your house, looking for you. His stomach was heavy with fear, weighing him down while he opened your bed room door. The bottom drawer was open, clothing all across the floor. Framed photos rested on top of the various articles of your wardrobe. Shards of glass and torn fabric were left ignored as Oikawa carried on, knowing he needs to find you right now. The bathroom door is cracked. You must be in there. Kicking open the door in a rush, Oikawa is right. He's not sure if he's glad he's found you of if he wished you weren't even home. He wishes you were at volleyball practice with him, laughing when Iwaizumi hits him. Instead of seeing your heavenly smile he sees your contemplating frown. Hot water is causing the mirrors to fog as you twirl something so daintily. He watches, trying to connect the dots with his own hazy mind. There's glass on both the sink and floor from the shattered mirrors. The pieces remaining in their place are foggy so you can't see anything. Something reflects his face back at him and into your vision which horrifies you. It's a razor. "Don't do it! Please!" Oikawa shouts it before realizing it. He's also kneeling on the ground before he realized he feel. He's lost all sense with reality, refusing to believe this scene. He doesn't want to think you're actually about to do this. He can't. "Please don't!" Clutching onto the wall, Oikawa says it again without yelling. His voice is still loud since he's afraid his crying will drown his pleads out. "Why shouldn't I?" You ask with a steady voice. It's strained by what he can assume is crying by the wet splotches covering once rosy blushes he'd give you with his words. "During chemistry my partner said I should drink the chemicals. Maybe she'd get lucky and they'd kill me." Letting out a sad laugh, you add "Maybe I'd be lucky and it'd kill me." Oikawa can't say anything. He's thinking so quickly that the words clog in his throat. Nothing has scared Oikawa more than this. Not Kageyama being a better setter. Not losing his place in nationals to Ushijima. He's never felt anything as bone chilling as this. The sight of you contemplating this, even going through with it if he was a moment later. "I'm not worth it. I shouldn't even be here. It's a mistake." You continue while staring at your reflection. The image makes you sick but you can't look away. "I want this pain to go away. I want to be accepted. I won't be accepted. It won't go away." Your eyes are trying to cry but they can't since you haven't had anything to drink since you thought about taking all your medications but Oikawa was over. "Not unless I make it." The feeling of cold metal against your skin never happens. Instead you feel warmth and salty tears on your neck. Oikawa is holding you, directing the blade so that it's tearing his uniform sleeve. Gently pushing your head onto his chest so you can't see how despaired he is over this situation. It's not about him. "I'm sorry," Oikawa cries. "I'm sorry I didn't notice. I'm sorry I never knew how to help." That's all he can say. All he can manage to get out are "I'm sorry"'s and "I wish I knew"'s. Realizing that he can't fix the past, Oikawa makes himself change the station on his broken radio. "We'll do better together." He proposes quickly. "I'm here for you. I always have been. Please," The words are flying out with how scared he is. So quickly he begins hiccuping between his emotional words. "Don't do this. Let me help you. Let me help you love yourself." He pulls you in tighter, scared that if he loosens his grip at all you'll slide through his strong arms. Oikawa can't stop the ugly tears coming down his face. You'd be weeping by now if your body physically could. Instead your lip quivers, hating yourself but hating the idea of leaving Oikawa more. Oikawa cries harder when you brokenly say, "I'll stay. I'll stay only for you." 

[phoebehalliwell]

for the autumnal ask meme:

1) your favorite of the questions to answer for yourself

and

2) just cause your headcanons are so awesome, how would you answer these questions for the Charmed Ones?

hmm okay so my favorite of these questions is probably bonfire - describe your dream house even tho i don't quite have like. a dream house per se i'd probably want something coastal tho whether that's a foggy norcal beach or a sunny socal one is debatable it's gonna be california tho lol bc i'm never leaving this space & i would want it to have a big kitchen and dining room and/or living room so i can host people over for all sorts of events i'd want big windows bc i Love Love Love natural light & ideally it would also have a vegetable garden of some kind so i can enjoy seasonal veggies but idk if i'm actually any good at gardening i had a tomato plant once and then it was stolen by like deer or rodents i don't know but it was like. nipped off where it emerged from the soil and the entire plant was missing so um. never got to see if i was actually gonna get tomatoes from that bad boy.

okay so for each of the sisters i'll answer three questions (bc im sleepy so that's all i have cognitive function for) & i'm gonna use a random generator to pick which ones 2 answer

prue frost - if you could give some advice to your younger self, what would you say? i mean tbh. like there’s a lot that could be said to like properly arm yourself for the future like you’re a witch or study the craft or save andy or even just like cherish moments while you’ve got them b you’ll die young but like. tbh. just like. they’re your sisters. you’re not their mother. and i know you think the world rests on your shoulders, but just like. like they’re your sisters. you can all lean on each other. you don’t need to be perfect and strong all of the time in fact it just builds up a wall between you n them you’re all human (sort of) just like. stop pretending. bc it’s better for everyone to just be yourself. jack-o-lantern - if you could look like any celebrity, who would you choose? shannen doherty lol. idk i don’t think prue ever really struggled with her appearance that much ik shannen had some sensitivity about her eyes but like. i don’t think that’s worth picking an entirely new body for. tbh i think prue would pass. maple - is there a hobby / skill that you’ve always wanted to try but never did? tbh probably writing like we see multiple times prue wants to be like a photojournalism except she never really is a photojournalist she ends up like a celebrity photographer which is a very different branch that’s like arts & aesthetic while photojournalism is like. you know. journalism. so i think like giving her the arena to like really hone that skill and really amp up the journalism aspect of that rather than just like. take pretty pictures of pretty people. i think that’s something that honestly hopefully we would have gotten to see prue pursue had she lived.

piper maize - share the weirdest encounter you’ve had with a stranger on the street. god um. off the top of my head? that time phoebe was a lounge psychic piper was yelling at her then some guy showed up well turns out that guy was dead and a ghost and needed a witches help and then they fell in love. that’d probably be it. amber - share an unpopular opinion that you may have. oh this is interesting. idk what really unpopular opinions piper might have. there’s probably some cooking things like idk always beat your egg whites before folding them into waffle batter and probably some witch things like you don’t really need to cleanse ur space before casting a spell just throw an herb into a bucket and start yelling and that’ll do the trick. but as far as like. unpopular opinions that can just be shared among the masses. probably that romance movies/books/media is greatly overlooked and trivialized as a woman’s genre when really they’re endearing powerful stories that hold universal truths and to try to reduce them as the same reductive boy meets girl they fall in love blah blah blah is so moronic bc they’re so much more than that. cobweb - (if you’ve graduated) do you miss high school? hahaha nooooo we have canon for that and the answer is absolutely not

phoebe orchard - share one thing that you’d like to happen this autumn. hmm that’s interesting i wonder if this should be like. autumn 2021 where like. phoebe’s a mom of three like. middle schoolers? high schoolers maybe?? bc in that case it’s probably just like. kill it before it dies movie night with the family, as per halloween tradition, & they all maybe like popcorn balls or caramel apples all that. however like in show n stuff if we’re in the early aughts i’m sure phoebe always really wanted to do kind of like an ancestral something something to pass wisdom through the generations bc you know as previously stated on halloween the veil between worlds thins like. let’s get some warren witches up in this bitch amirite? cocoa - if you could have any type of hair, what colour and cut would you have? haha what type of hair hasn’t phoebe had? i guess not red. or like a really light blonde. or an unnatural color tbh i’d love to see her with a jewel tone hair i think that could be really fun not like one solid color throughout but with the highlights the lowlights the full nine yards spend all day in the chair type thing. i think that’d be fun. pumpkin - do you think that humans are inherently good or bad? inherently good <3. and if they’re shitbags she Will murder them #isaywekillcalgreene

paige quilt - how do you take your tea (or coffee)? hmm i don’t think we actually got canon for this i think paige loads up her tea with cream & sugar but drinks her coffee black. fog - how well do you think you’d do in a zombie apocalypse scenario? insanely well. i mean. she deals with the apocalypse about damn near every other month she’s used to these high pressure situation also good luck biting people when i orb your teeth right out your damn mouth <3 spice - have you ever encountered a house that you believed to be haunted? yes lol. i mean the clay dude’s house in s4. but i think because of her latent whitelighter half she can kind of hear “hear” like sense calls of distress whether than be from actual people or just from the spirits that remain and um in her line of work she’s definitely encountered at least a couple true to form haunted houses (hell, sometimes that haunted house is in fact the halliwell manor)

[nnatasha]

don't blame me for falling, i

tom holland x reader

 he comes back to town after years and years, and the press are just eating it up, and you're falling too hard and too fast

a/n; mentions of alcohol and drugs, sex. my version of beer pong is in here and the basic rules are that like if u and ur partner both miss a shot consecutively, you lose the game and have to drink the rest of the alcohol on the table loll (also shoot me an ask or smthn if u wanna be on my tag list)

you were wildly late for the party and, as you hurried around the small corner shop you had stopped to get some food at (because of course you didn't know that you were supposed to provide food) , you weren't really watching where you were going. maybe it was your fault, or maybe it was his, or maybe it was the gaggle of girls and boys alike crowding him that made you drop the bottle of wine.

as the dark red liquid seeped into the linoleum cracks in the floor all you could think about was how it was the dumb fucking rich boy that had got in your way. it wasn't your fault. it was not your fault and the both of you knew it. hell, god almighty knew it and he never even paid attention to you.

"shit," the voice was quiet amongst the loud murmurs of the small crowd ," are you okay, love?"

a very tentative hand against your back and all your problems were buffed out. you let out a shaky laugh, nodding. it was just a bottle of wine and you would not cry in the middle of the supermarket, you would not because you could not and so you would not.

the tears spilled over your cheeks of their own accord and you laughed again at the sudden very high pitched ramblings of whoever it was. "are you okay? I swear im so sorry I'll pay for it and oh god are you crying I'm so sorry?"

and then tom was there and you felt like crying even harder. little tommy who taught you how to ride a bike, who stole your first kiss and your first everything, and who had upped and left the moment he garnered a little bit of fame.

and then there was a pair of strong, familiar arms around you, pulling you close. not so familiar, you thought. he'd buffed out over the years, all muscles and hard edges. gone were the days where you could beat tom in a wrestling match and gone were the days when you, him and harrison would bum joints off your neighbour and sit on the garages until god knows when, thoroughly waved and young.

"hey tommo." you sniffled into his shirt and then you realised that it wasn't cotton but in fact a dress shirt that was probably more than a weeks worth of your wages and then you were pulling away, willing yourself so furiously not to let a single tear escape you as you stared up at tom.

an overjoyed look overcame tom and his teeth shouldn't of made you as happy as they did but they did and that snaggly tooth of his would be forever imprinted upon your soul. "y/n!" he exclaimed excitedly. the hesitation that was on his face was one you rarely saw and then his eyes were off yours and then so were his hands and his warmth and you were back to being you. "I'll pay for your wine ma'am, I'm terribly sorry."

"I'm not an old lady, you prat." you said, a smile on your face, tears a thing of a past life.

but then a flash went off and you flinched. of course, in that moment where the entire world was watching you were an old lady. he wasn't the tom you knew and you weren't the old friend he knew. just two strangers passing in the night, one a top-earning actor and one a girl who couldn't brave leaving her hometown.

and so you separated ways, with no wine and no food to bring to the party because you definitely weren't going to that anymore. only when harrison texted you the day after did you know how much you could've had: tom went, even if you didn't.

the bakery at the end of your street was owned by your mother. it couldn't host big parties and was so incredibly crammed and it barely made enough money to scrape by on when you were younger, but it was good in the long run. maybe you were incredibly biased, but it was the perfect place to work. it was not, however, the perfect place to run into your childhood best friend.

"can I have a- oh hey!" the familiar voice made you freeze and you looked up to a grin that could sink a thousand ships (and break a million hearts). all smiles, all dimples and you were ready to hand over your heart and soul in that very moment, right there with a cup of hot chocolate in your hand.

"tom." you squeaked out, heart caught up in your throat but also at the bottom of your gut and then just pounding so loudly, too loudly in the centre of your being.

a nod and then words that couldn't possibly be said through a grin oh so big, "sorry about the other day. sorry it ended up everywhere."

everywhere meaning almost every tabloid in england: spiderman got one caught in his web? or tom holland has a raunchy reunion with childhood lover or love in the air for budding actor? were all that seemed to follow you after saturday. you had learnt that tom was back in his hometown indefinitely for a 'well-needed and deserved' hiatus. (who's to say if you'd been reading the papers recently.)

even worse were the fangirls, with their hate posts and their posts telling people not to hate on you and then the few fics and edits you had read online before shutting down your laptop. it was all too overwhelming and too much and so you had taken a day off work to look at it all; being in the tabloids was a once in a lifetime experience, after all.

"fine. it's just fine." you managed a small smile. "so, mr holland, what would you like from ye old sweet shop?"

tom laughed, a familiar thing that lit a flame in you. "don't call it that! it was a bloody joke."

your grinned matched tom's as you remembered what your mum had called her quaint shop after a night of too much wine. to her dismay, it had stuck with you and the boys for too many years for it to be truly funny, but in that funny way of inside jokes it was still ,well, funny.

"what can I get you?" you asked after handing the hot chocolate you were holding to a sweet teenage girl.

tom furrowed his brows slightly, even though you both knew what he was going to order. "one mocha with, um, half  teaspoon of coffee ,please. actually make it two."                                                       

a chuckle got caught in your throat. "two?" jealousy was a true evil and it seeped into your skin, into your bones, into your soul.

"wait, do you wanna join me and haz cause we're supposed to go to a party later and I think it'd be cool if you came." a jumble of words fought away the monster as you exhaled in relief. no secret girl to worry your heart over.

"yeah, I get off in about twenty minutes if you two can wait?"   

and so your night began, with two idiots thinking that mochas were the pre-game pre-game pick me up

  the party was already in full swing by the time you arrived, with people milling about the front garden. "just like old times, boys." you grinned, swinging your arms around tom and harrison's shoulders. "whoever pukes first has to make pancakes in the morning."

"you're on, mate." harrison agreed readily, with tom making an absent grunt beside you.

and so it began, a group of girls you knew pulling you away from tom and harrison the moment you stepped into the door. the squeals about tom being back in town and how you were going to , like, get it filled your ears and you couldn't help but laugh. stacey, your childhood friend, pushed you down onto a large sofa in the lounge of the house. "tequila?" she offered, stumbling slightly as she procured a plastic cup from her bag. stacey, you couldn't help but notice, looked like a goddess in a neon pink dress that hugged her body tightly, ending very, very high up on her dark thighs. she was already drunk and you couldn't help but wonder how much time you had wasted with tom and harrison getting ready and having shots in your flat.

"tequila!" stacey shoved the cup in your hands before plopping herself down next to you, her legs going on for miles until they reached the coffee table (you couldn't help but chuckle at the socks and heels combo stacey was wearing, staying true to her weird phobia of feet).

you nodded with a tipsy grin, saying "tequila!"

and the night moved on from you and stacey, to the hoards of other people drinking, fucking, whatever, to you and tom playing beer pong hours later against harrison and harry.

"are you even old enough to drink yet?" you shouted at harry over the loud music. you had ditched your shoes god knows where eons ago, and were leaning against the hard, hard thing that was tom holland. his heat seeped into your skin, through your bones and into your soul as you threw a ping pong ball in the direction of the boys opposite you.

"should you even be up this late, old lady?" harry shouted back, cheering when you missed your shot. you childishly stuck your tongue out at him, drifting until you banged into the dining table you were playing on.

"oopsie daisy." you murmured as tom placed a hand on your back, drunken gaze searching you. you were so close, so close, too close to him and you flinched away from him just as harrison got a ball in a cup and you groaned.

the shot slid down your throat like water and you shut your eyes. you were either really, really very much too drunk to be going to work tomorrow, or the party had run out of alcohol. tom missed his shot and banged into you, the two of you laughing like hyenas as harry and harrison cheered over their easy win.

as per tradition, you and tom made slow, clumsy work of drinking all the leftover alcohol on the table, stomach flipping as you moved too quickly, bumping into tom at the halfway point. "'ello matey." you slurred at him, his eyes the most beautiful kaleidoscope of colours that made your head spin and your heart flip.

and then stacey was whisking you away to the garden or maybe it was the bathroom or maybe just an empty pitcher, but you were doomed to make pancakes in the morning and tom was doomed with the task of taking you home.

  the pictures of you and tom were splashed on almost every media outlet you could think of the next morning. you and tom in the bakery, leaving together and smiling like you were two birds born out the same flame. blurry, dark photos of you arriving at the party obviously already waved, you taking shots with your arm intertwined with tom's, you and him playing beer pong, you leaning up against him, the almost kiss that definitely was not an almost kiss it was just a fleeting drunken moment that wasn't, and then you puking in the kitchen, stacey wobbling on her too high heels next to you. a video of you and tom stumbling in the front garden, your bodies banging and clanging against each other in a symphony that dropped your heart to your stomach and then his arm weaved it's way around your waist and there your heads were too close, so close it should've been illegal and then there was you, puking down tom's back, the sickly green of it fading into yellow and then all the colours of the rainbow as you watched the video over and over and over again.

every frame burned into your eyes as you rushed to the bathroom, knees slamming against the floor in a way that would've, should've been painful except you were so numb and so, so hungover.

tom had dropped you off home and left without a trace. sure, his keys were on the side glinting at you dangerously in the harsh yellow rays of the blinding sun, but there was nothing else to even hint at last night.

you had known tom for years and years, memory upon memory of you and him, him and you, stacked away in your brain. little tommy, who taught you how to ride a bike and who stole your first kiss, your first everything-

and suddenly you were fifteen years old again, with your thin eyebrows and damaged lungs and your two best friends, tom and harrison. and tom was on top of you, underneath you, inside you, warming you from the inside out, seeping in through your skin, your bones and your soul.

  then tom moved back to london because millionaires can just do that, despite his hiatus and the stories of the two of you sewn into the ground of your hometown, staining the floor of ye old- your mum's bakery.

and you were right back where you started; no tom, rushing to a party you were wildly late to.

[dsmamedits]

LETTER-TO-C

June 10, 2020

Dear C,

I stopped calling you sweetie because I felt that things were lacking between us that we were growing apart. Doubt grew between us. I know when someone is lying to me or at least doesn't tell me the whole truth. I just know. It's just like how we both have a feeling when we'll message each other. It's an instinct instilled in us. I know you hide things for my sake because you did say that white lies are okay as long as it won't hurt the other person but for me lies are lies even if you say they are white lies because white lies are lies that hide things from someone but nothing can stay hidden, the truth will be set free. And once it is free and it's been proven that one wasn't transparent it will hurt more to the person who was kept in the dark. People are not weak, you don't need to lie to them to protect their feelings. Especially me, I'm stronger than you think. I can face anything. I'm stronger knowing there are people who have my back and love me. Isnt that how it's supposed to be?

There are things I can't let go of. I dont want a relationship built on Lies, doubt, dishonesty and no transparency. I may say things that hurt. I may have a cold heart. But it was all to protect you from more trauma and hurt and to protect myself. I know I too have things I still have left unsaid, I want to tell you but there's always something stopping me.

My reaction is a reflection of anothers treatment to me. I've seen relationships and I've experienced my own set of tribulations and I'm sure you have too. Im not insensitive, quite the opposite, You started to not care as much. The doubt grew when you didn't want to open up to me, you would usually tell me about your day the first few weeks of getting to know each other and then you didn't open up as much. I know you're usually detailed when talking about something you're passionate about but that stopped. I had to ask instead of you naturally telling me... That's alright because that helped me be more inquisitive and curious about others. But that was one change. When I told you about it you tried opening up more but I dont like telling people what they should know already. What should have come naturally if you really respected me and my feelings.

I don't like how you made a big deal about my virginity and blamed me for it how I could have prevented it and called me naive and simply didn't understand why it happened and insisted it was my fault. You should have let me go then when I was asking for it. For you to question my situation when you've slept around with other women was an unfair way of taking it out on me. I didn't bring that up anymore because you said you didn't want to say things that I could hold against you. But I'm bringing it up here so I can finally let it go and show you how unfair your way of thinking was.

I know my reactions could have been more lax but when you care about someone when you feel pain you may react the way I did. This is the first time I ever cared about somone to the point I would get mad because I was hurt. I know I could've dealt with this more calmly. This was my first time experiencing this much pain and hurt. I didn't know what to do. If I knew I would've known how to deal with it. With you. You made me fall in love with you and you decide to get sick of me after everything I've shared with you. Way to show me I'm not worth it. Not worth the trouble especially knowing my background. Thanks a lot.

You shut down in front of me. Didn't come after me. Didn't hug me and tell me everything is alright. And you didn't let me see anything. You deleted everything instead of showing me. You hid something from me. I'm not stupid but you kept making me feel stupid and I wanted to ignore everything and accept what you said but if you think about it.... Why would she call you just because you had that sickness before. You're not a doctor. And why would she call you several times. I know you wanted to protect all the women you dated. But I wouldn't care about them if you showed me you cared about me more. You protected them. You hid things from me. When I asked you again why you didn't add me on fb, do you remember what you said? You said, why do I need to add you on fb. In an irritated voice. I got scared and embarrassed. So I shut up and didn't insist on it. But I've always wanted to tell you. I can take care of myself. If anybody tries to bully me I have you. If you can't save me from your exes I have me. And if they try to ruin my reputation so what it's not the truth because the truth was that you and I were dating and you were no longer with them. So tell me, what was I supposed to be afraid of? Could you not have protected me? Why were you so adamant about keeping me out of your fb if it was just something you used. Why did you hide things from me. Did you not trust me?

I need a strong man to be beside me through thick and thin to prove to me that I'm worth loving no matter how imperfect I am and to help me get through it by offering something more tangible and helpful instead of telling me to handle my emotions more. Making me feel like I'm to blame for everything being ruined because I overthink about the things I can't make sense of because YOU wouldn't give me details when YOU used to be so detailed about everything!

I'd rather have someone be honest with me with the truth instead of hurt me with lies out of kindness. That is not kindness that is something that will eventually cause pain. Nobody's perfect and I understand that, that's why I gave you chances and you gave me chances but time and time again you made me doubt you. And all I could do was blame myself because I knew things could have been better.

Remember when we didn't go out for valentines? I didn't mind until you said you went out to dinner with your ex during valentine's before. I felt less important... then you said you needed to be with hero that day....I understood that but I felt you were defensive because I already knew that and you said it in a way like "dont be unreasonable", I kept quiet because I didn't want to make a big deal out if it but if you really wanted to spend it with me even just a few hours you would have. There are times when you pick hero up late. But that day I wondered why were you acting that way. We were just starting and I wanted to let it go because I didn't want to sound petty and it didn't help when you said you felt guilty and couldnt explain why, as if you were hiding something. If you really wanted too you would have put an effort. But you didn't. And now that time is gone forever.

I didn't want to keep silent because this might help you understand women more. If you think loving and showing a girl effort is just by feeding them, picking them up and saying words of I love you and making love with them, anybody could do that. If our roles were switched I'd be happy to do all that for you knowing it would make life easier for you. I bet thats how you felt too when you picked me up. Like you said that's what I deserved. But effort is more then that. Time is the most important factor for me. And you were willing to give it to me. You were gonna spare two days to be able to see me while juggling your work and life. I appreciated that...

I always came back when you asked me too and that was because I liked, loved, and cared about you. It annoyed me when you could see through me, when you took my seperation fits as jokes and said I just missed you. That was truer than true. I missed you so much and I was going crazy without you and surrounded by the negativity of everything. I started becoming obsessed with you because I had nothing better to do. You were my whole world. But you were becoming busier and I felt like I was neglected. I knew you were busy and you were trying to find time for me amidst your busy schedule. This is where I lack, communication, being honest about what I want to say. Instead of just telling you what I want from you I just become quiet and keep it inside because I dont want to be insufferable and a bother. But I ended up becoming one... I guess it ended up that way in the end. I remember the time we first met, how you accepted me for my messy past and got mad for me. I see things through rose coloured glasses. Everyone is kind, everyone has a reason for what they do. There is a story on how that person became the way they were. I didn't want to accept the grey and dark parts of the world.

I remember you telling me not to meet the guy in rockwell, I remember we watched the joker and we ate at the burger place, I remember watching in festival cell number 7 filipino version and we walked a lot, I remember going to your roof top and how beautiful and peaceful it was. I remember staying at your place and eating out at different places. I remember the first time we took edsa going to your place and how there were so many busses and I thought to myself, if we could get to your place faster by using this route so I could spend more time hugging you I don't mind taking this route all the time, I remember eating at that vintage burger place. I remember the wings and burger and raspberry juice. I remember that other burger wings place with a huge garage and how a truck passed by and you introduced me as your girlfriend, I was surprised coz you didn't ask me yet but it made me happy but also confused, was this how relationships worked? I remember walking by the river near your place and how I wanted to walk more but I was so tired and I wanted to go to the place you wanted to show me but fatigue got to me. I remember when we were at cloud 9 and I pretended to be not scared of how high up we were while on the bridge and you were acting cute behind me and I just wanted to bite and pinch you. And also punch you because I was getting more scared coz you kept making kulit. I remember how fun it was going home.

I also remember how the next time we rode the motorbike together you were a bit cold. You didn't like me hugging you and said you were having a hard time but usually you would laugh and say you liked it. Also you said you didn't like it when I was putting your shirt up and I thought you did because when we were going from cloud 9 you were laughing it off.

I remember how you got so red when you drank and fell asleep. I remember there was the one time where we did it and it was the most ecstacy I've ever felt, but when I found out the sad things, like how you were still talking to your ex and how you felt like you were distancing yourself from me, making love and loving you started to hurt.

I remember how you changed to letting me bite you when I told you that you got mad when I bit you. I remember taking lots of pictures of us together and of you when we went to the national museum and how paranoid i was about COVID19. I liked seeing you so serious looking around and hiding from you every now and then. One of my fave memories was when we went to celebrate my bday and how much fun it was to watch you sing for me. How we both could just let loose in each other's company. I remember eating at an open ventilated space in Makati with beautiful lighting and how you couldn't eat properly becasue you were having a stomach ache. I remember the time we were in jolibee and you told me about your mom and what she went through and the reason why you came back and how weak she became and how you teared up. You were beautiful.

I'm sorry I let my overthinking cloud the beautiful memories we made. I'm sorry I couldn't show you how much I loved you. I'm sorry I was mean and hurtful to you. I'm sorry that I wasnt enough. I'm sorry for being toxic. I'm sorry I couldn't love you the way you wanted to be loved. I hope you find someone who can love you the way I know you deserve to be loved. We're both too hurt to mend things. Sometimes something broken can't be put together and it's best to carry the broken pieces, glue it together with someone else to create something even better and unique. This is the closure I can offer. I know you've chosen a better path and i can only hope we both find the happiness we deserve. I can't help but blame myself because I know I pushed you to the limit. You got tired of trying because you thought that I was mean and confusing. Because I was toxic and I knew that, that's why I chose this path.

I wanted to let you know how I felt not for you but for my peace of mind.

#bittersweetmemories #loveletter #painfulmemories #youth #confused #distraught #sadness #ending&partings #THEEND

[dracwife]

it's 4am and im yearning don't look at me ,, i get sappy sometimes ok

If you were to ask Fenryr Theyj'a what his favorite part of Io was, well he'd likely be obligated to respond that it was one Asher Mir, considering the nature of their relationship. If you were to ask him his second favorite part of Io was, he'd likely look rather longingly towards the horizon, and express his sadness that the planet's beauty had been taken so forcefully by the constant warring as of late. His third, of course, would be the springs that dotted said landscape, and the relaxation and comfort that he'd come to associate with them.

Oh how he longed to be there now. Io had, after everything, become his new home. It was a rare occurrence - Guardians finding something akin to domesticity. It was a sense of belonging, and left Fenryr wondering so little of his past life that he almost forgot about it entirely and looked forward only to the future he was building to now.

He had been gone far too long, and had only a vague notion of when he'd be back. While he loved the company of his Ghost, it hardly compared in both nature and scale to being in the mere presence of Asher's personality.

In short, Fenryr missed him dearly. And he could only assume Asher felt the same, judging by the rather long, rambling transmission he was receiving at that moment. While he duly enjoyed hearing the Fragmented Researcher's rather grating, whiny voice (which, Fenryr reasoned with himself that he was certainly allowed to think because he loved Asher so excessively in either case) it would likely distract him from his mission and cause him yet another wave of sadness and yearning - he could only imagine Asher's disgusted groan at the phrase, sarcastically commenting on "How...endearing" the thought was - that he felt he did not need at that moment. He opted for a transcription instead. He found himself reading it bit by bit as he punched in the coordinates for Nessus, realizing just how far it was from Io. Apparently Asher had caught wind of the mission as well, likely from Ikora Rey after much nagging, as Fenryr began reading less of Asher's scientific ramblings that he tried so hard to at least pretend to understand and more of Asher's complaints about being alone on the Vex-infested planet they now called home, and just how far it was from the occupancy of the Exodus Black.

And I hear they have you across the galaxy again. I think I shall speak with the Vanguard about how frequently I find myself alone here, without your company. Though I suppose I shall tell them it is the lack of protection that frustrates me, that seems more a concern of theirs; I assume that subtly adding the fact that the Vex are growing restless here may change their priorities and, I hope, their insistence on dragging you away to some Hive-ridden planet every free moment you have.

The research is slowed without you to help, of course, but going well nonetheless. I can only assume your general lack of understanding of my work means you also understood nearly nothing I may have commented on earlier, but know that I am content with my progress since you've been gone. I'm not sure how much closer I am to the answer, but as of late I can feel myself beginning to believe that any progress, even if it is minor, is worth celebration - a skill that I believe you have taught me for the better…

I don't wish to worry you, but you are the only one I would dream of telling this: I fear I am growing worse with every passing day. I cannot say this for sure, but...My intuition tells me it won't be long before what little control I have left of my arm is completely gone. 

As much disdain as I may hold for the Pity Parties people tend to throw themselves, perhaps this is a point I will bring up with Ikora privately. For my own wellbeing, and to cure this impeccably potent feeling of...Loneliness, I wish to have you here again. 

In addition, I have decided that I shall concede with the idea that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Every day that you are not with me again I find myself growing more distracted in my downtime. Eating alone is no longer time to brainstorm, and lying alone does not help me theorize anymore. Instead, I am feeling rather upset that you are not with me, and find my mind wandering to the many things we could have been doing had you been there. I have had no less than three full hypothetical conversations with myself and the you that isn't here in the past forty-eight hours. I'm not sure if I should classify this new habit of mine as a nuisance, or a sign. I fear what it may say about me if it is the latter. You have changed me for the better, there is no doubt, but…

I'm afraid. My emotions distract from my work. I know this well, and yet I do not seem to care. My work should be my top priority, but alas my mind wanders to your touch, the sound of your voice, the comfort of your heartbeat every waking moment. I'm unsure if it is the consequence of...Such strong emotions that I feel, or rather my mind's response to what little progress I have made to save myself and therefore stand facing an inevitable death.

I will not lose hope yet. I learn more every day. There were times I would believe my efforts were in vain, and pondered if trying at all was a worthwhile use of my time. Now I strive for even the smallest victories, and celebrate them - to myself, of course - as I would a breakthrough. 

I do this because I believe I wish to try all I can now. For you.

I await my Knight's return to me.

By the time Fenryr had read through it all, he had barely reached Nessus' orbit. With a new sense of urgency, he prepared himself for the mission at hand. He wished this to be as easy and quick as Zavala had promised.

For he too missed his Gensym Scribe, and wanted nothing more then but to return to him again.

[kyunsies]

MADCH MADCH <3

hello fam - I've had a weird day, I'm super happy I can take the time out to reply to you. always thinking of you though, I hope you're always having a great day. today's been a bit of a non day - a family member has to deal with operations and that's on top of me too so i've just felt a bit winded in life?

YES to you finally conquering that damn cold! do you feel properly replenished now? omg i hate sore throats too - okay i hope this doesn't give you nightmares but when i was a kid i saw a documentary about this terrible disease that manifests at its worst a bit like alzhemiers but it can hit anyone of any age and for the majority of people who get it... one of the first symptoms is a sore throat and i have literally lived in terror of sore throats ever since. but luckily it's a very rare disease. so basically, yes, i understand you.

OMG you know when you're like eight and you don't want to sleep and you're like no i will adult and stay up and it will be glorious - i'm like, CHILD YOU FOOL you could have gone to sleep XD and ugh no responsibilities?! i remember working most of the time when i was a kid and i kind of wish i had wreaked havoc? what was your childhood like? did you get to do lots of fun stuff? i know my mum wishes she had been able to spend more time with me when i was a kid and i'd like to have a family and i'd love her to be able to relax and just spend time with her grandkids? OMG well when you come to europe let me know and then i can show you around and give you a hug in person!

so we're mainly cofe here though cahtolic culture is still big and honestly i'm with you. like religion can be a great influence on you if it's not used in nefarious ways and can help you learn so much - like even if there are things you don't end up agreeing with at least you learn about then so you can make a choice for yourself as opposed to not really knowing anything? agree - people that are really boastful totally put me off, i just can't deal with it at all. but you're right, like it makes us so so hard to forgive ourselves for anything right? like, even if we've done nothing wrong and we shouldn't have to punish ourselves? like i swear i'm apologising for everything haha XD once someone pushed me off the tube and i ended up apologising like ON REFLEX? hasjdkahds XD but i really hope you have people around you that keep bigging you up too! if not i will keep bigging you up :D :D so you know that you are worth it.

i'm sorry you're not looking forward to your final year of uni! think you're almost there though - like this is the final stretch and you'll have like conquered everest you know?! and even if your landing at the end of it isn't as perfect the fact you landed at all means so much and that means you can stand up again and keep going! day at a time and moment at a time you know? i kind of had this moment today (hence my wierd day) when i was worry about everything and i literally sat there like - have i made the right choice and done the right thing and surely i've made the wrong choices in my life and do i actually have any talent cause if not people would actually like my stuff and i had to just be like... a moment at a time sometimes you know? like, just bit by bit and don't sweat the stuff you don't have to? idk i find it hard to do but i hope that helps you - like you'll surmount every little thing bit by bit and before you know it you'll have made it! you were born ready you were <3 <3

TINY SQUAD IS GO! the pant dilemma is truly a massive issue, like IDK how to deal OMG OK SO LAMPSHADING is like when you do big baggy like tops and then like leggings or tights or something skinny on the bottom so... you look like a lampshade? like i guess it makes you look cute and then also it's such an easy way to dress without worrying if you look like a kid that's wearing your mum's clothes?? ahsdjakdhsa XD

AHHHH YES BASIL ME TOO!! what scent did you end up buying? i'm sure it was lush - are your parents near you or is it like a massive special occassion to get to see them? YES agree with your take on musk though! like it feels like idk, something a 50 year old with a cigar in a stuffy country club would wear? like, there's no energy to it but not in a chill mellow way either??! like even if i was going to a dinner thing I would still rather not wear something musky? like i'd still rather it be something a bit sweeter? also like some musk perfumes can be SO STRONG? like i'm like - my nose is choking on this perfume XD

YES BLUE MOON SQUAD AAAAA it is literally one of their finest ever, it's always stayed on my top faves list by them. like ugh yes to the lofi stuff sometimes i just wanna VIBE and be in my feels but not so much i'm too angsty but enough that I'm FEELING feels ya know? what did you think of kiss or death? it really wasn't that kind of vibe but yh i hope they do more lofi jazzy stuff - also cause like not a lot of korean groups play with that sound a lot?

hello mädch's mom as always! nerer apologise for being late, always just happy to hear from you and i hope you are super super well and looking after yourself first and foremost! more than anything <3 (also i take ages to reply too ya know and omg this is so so long ahsdjakhdaskjdh)

love you lots and lots and lots xxxxxxxxxxxx

ANGEL ANGEL !!!!!!!! <3 i know i'm really late to this LKDFJS i've had such a busy week getting some overtime in and then visiting my grandparents' house so i didn't really have a lot of energy to reply to all of this BUT IM HERE AND i can finally give u a good response <3

firstly is your family member okay??? i hope so ;____; how was the rest of your week, and how was your weekend angel? i hope u were able to enjoy your weekend and that everything is okay in the family <3

but YEAH my mom and i are over the stupid cold ;_____; i hate colds,,,, they last way too long lol like i say i know the flu is a little more serious than a cold but i would rather have it for a day or 2 than being stuck feeling lousy for a whole week :( ALSO SLDKFSJDFKLJ OH GOD SEE we are both hypochondriacs ( that's not the best trait to have as a nursing major lol ) but tbh i'm really curious about this rare disease ????? :o sounds really scary tho goodness gracious i wonder what it could be ;____;

also god i was always awful at staying up late as a kid LOL but i know what u mean !!!!!! honestly there was only one time i can recall i had a sleepover with my friend in like the 3rd grade and we tried pulling an all nighter so i think we made it to like 5am but i had to go to bed omg i felt like such garbage LKDSFJ </3 it's just funny bc like as u get older u realize that staying up late is really nothing special and if anything u feel like a train hit you the next morning and adults are so sleep deprived as it is we just *try* to prioritize sleep SLDKFJSDKLJF :') you worked a lot as a child bub?? what kind of things did you do? i didn't start working until i was 15 bc most places here don't allow u to work until this age (unless you're in a family business i guess lol) but all the jobs i had in high school i hated so much ;_____; but my childhood? i would say it was relatively normal LOL like we say all the time i've had a single mom so life was really stressful for her but i always felt loved <3 i always had my mom <3 and we took trips to the beach with my family every year, it was our little tradition !! i went to san diego to visit disney, you know little trips here and there !! and then when i got into my sport and i started getting older my mom and i spent a lot of time and money investing into my sport so most of my weekends consisted of a lot of tournaments and driving far away for me to compete :') i do remember when i was really young like in kindergarten my mom's work was really far away from my school and we had a recital ; i was the "host" where i would introduce all of the songs and stuff and my mom didn't get off of work until like 6 and by the time she made to my recital, it was over :( she told me she cried a lot that night :( i don't remember her doing this (i don't even remember the recital all that much lol) but now that i'm older and i understand more about adulting, i'm sure she was so devastated thinking about it now :( anyways about visiting europe LOL I WILL DEF GIVE U A CALL AND LET U KNOW SO U CAN SHOW ME ALL OF THE COOL PLACES <333333

and about the religion ....... yes ;____; i think it's a great thing if a family decide that they want to do this when they're families; i hope to continue to practice it (even tho we aren't regularly going to church at all hhhh gotta work on that) but there is something about catholic guilt specifically that just makes it soooo hard to like, be easy on yourself? but ,,,,,, i guess it keeps me grounded :( in a self depreciating way ??? LDSKFJ I KNOW U UNDERSTAND ... it's weird for me to put into words ;____; and YEAH :( i think i'm getting a little better at this but i used to apologize all the time for things i never needed to be sorry for hhhh (still do) :')

and yes babe honestly i'm really terrified to start uni :( i think i have this weird anxiety issue i've had it ever since last year but i don't know why i'm so scared and anxious about things that haven't even happened yet ;____; are u like this too? is it normal? i wish i knew :( i guess i won't really feel better until i have made it to graduation, but i just want to do well this year. whatever i do, whether it's exams, or clinical rotation or my preceptorship, i just want to do well ;____; i don't want to do poorly, i want to make my mom proud and i want to work at a place i'll be excited to work at, and most of all i just want everything to work out ,,,, i wish someone could just sit me down and say listen i know what you're going thru is hard but you CAN get thru this and EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS bc no one in my family is in the health sciences (besides my cousin who is studying to be a doctor but she doesn't give a shit about what i do lol) so ;_____; yeah ,,,,,,,,,,, lots of anxiety and apprehension of the unknown :(

LSDKFJSD FOKAY NOW I KNOW WHAT LAMPSHADING IS LMAOOOOOOOOOOO yes i wear those clothes on lazy days LOL the thing is i'm really picky about the length of my oversized crewneck sweaters hhhh the can't be too long bc if it goes below my butt i look like i'm wearing rags LOL so i have to be careful :') but most days i do like, reverse lamp shading lDLKFJSDLKFJ i like wearing flowy pants with a more tight top or like baggy jeans with a tighter shirt or a blouse i can tuck into my jeans LOL but omg its so funny i didn't know what that was :') thank u for the explanation my love <3

OKAY BUT HALF THE REASON I DIDN'T RESPOND IS THAT i was saving this weekend to go to the jo malone store in my mall and !!! I GOT A NEW SCENT AND I'M IN LOVE WITH IT SO MUCH BABE ;____; you have to go smell it if you go there soon and tell me what u think !!!!!! it's called wild bluebell (here is the scent description lol) but the guy behind the counter helping me was soooo amazing and helpful like they really do treat u the best at the store and AH i’m so happy with my purchase <3 my wallet isn’t so much LDSKFJ but nonetheless i know i’ll have it for a long time :)

KISS OR DEATH !!!!! i actually really enjoyed it lol i have seen some ppl not really like the rapping so much but i loved it ;____; i’m super biased obviously LOL but gosh i thought they were all great and minhyuk + hyungwon killed the song for me <333 wouldn’t expect anything less from our monstas !!!!! and my mom is sending her love lol i tell her the work u do and she’s always wondering how ur doing :(((( same for my moots she always asks me about 2 in particular LOL she’s always asking me <3 i love u so much bubbie !!!! iM SO SORRY FOR BEING LATE MY LOVE again i always just want to give u a quality response <3 i love u the absolute most and i hope u had a great weekend !!!!!!! this is my last week at work before i have a week long break before i head for uni so :’) can’t believe i’ve done all this LOL :’) i will be happy to hear from u whenever u come back hun !!!!! TAKE CARE LOVE U <3 

[trippz2ill2ace8itout]

⭐🥀TRIGGER WARNING!!

Introducing Last Night At 3AM. I Lost Control. Yet Another Breakdown, I Had about 30 breakdowns. No pity sympathy or attention. && NO I WAS NOT ON DRUGS! I'm over 1 year sober. Alvaro took over (one of my demons/alters) && Dancing Fire (another one) possessed me to the point I almost got a cop call. I don't wanna be a burden &: I wanna save fix care support be there for everyone and everything. I'm sick of being alive. But I can't do anything stupid cuz of me getting concerved to a state institution (which is way different than a mental hospital) cuz I've been in 215 mental hospitals & got diagnosed Critically/Clinically Insane plus over 10+ mental hospitals. All I have is my mom. The breakdowns the vivid flashbacks the mental illnesses getting 10x worse. No treatment will take me cuz I've been to all of them to many times. I can't process anything. My mind imprisons me. I dissociate 89 to 99% of the day. I've been thru every single sorts of treatments/medication I've had trauma 24/7 from 2001-2018. I'm losing my mind. And everyday it's the same thing and people get tired of hearing it.I'm so done with dealing with this everyday. I don't need sympathy. I just don't know man. My mom&& lil brother doesn't want me home, I can't explain what's wrong or going on. I don't wanna be a burden. I'm sorry man. I wanted to self harm again but I didn't. Imagine all my mental illnesses multiplied by 10. Imagine EVERYDAY HAVING VIVID FLASHBACKS AND 22+ Mental Breakdowns a day. I.am sorry if I'm negative. I'm sorry. I just wanna save and fix the world. When people ask me "how are u" idk how much reply. I'm sick of my mind. I feel like darkness is controlling me. I pray A LOT. Alvaro literally possesses me and gets in my body. I have mostly every mental health diagnosis there is. And NO I'M NOT PROUD OF IT I'M NOT BRAGGING OR GLORIFYING It. I just wanna help everyone and everything. Along the my mental health, I have autism, narcolepsy anorexia Etc. My diagnosis list is so long and I don't wanna be known for that. I can't even leave my house. When ever I feel a lil bit better, here comes Alvaro. But again I don't wanna be a burden. It's my job to be there for everyone else NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. I can't take this anymore. No pity sympathy or attention. I can't seek help cuz then they'll send me to a institution cuz I've been in to many mental hospitals. I'm doing the best I can. But I'm about to snap. I can't function. And I'm getting worse. I don't want attention I want to be OK. I've dealt with all this hell most of my life. It's hard to explain. On top of that. My physical state is getting worse. I'm finding more reasons to die than to live. I'm over 1 year sober. I'm a huge hypocrite when it comes out taking my own advice. I don't love myself. But i am over caring sensitive and I help obsessively. I repeat myself idk I'm just not OK. I'm losing contact with reality. I'm scared to keep going. But I got this.🥀⭐

🥀⭐Your Enough

Your Worth It.

Your Life Has Purpose

This To Shall Pass

Im here for all y'all in anyway I possibly can.

I'm sorry if I'm annoying. I'm sorry

Stay Strong && Keep Breathing ⭐🥀

🌙🌙🔥🔥🖤🖤🥀🥀HUGE TRIGGER WARNING🥀🥀🖤🖤🔥🔥🌙🌙

🥀🥀🔥🔥Hey my name is Izzy && I'm a recovering drug addict && alcoholic with over 1 year sober. This is the longest I've been sober being out of treatment. I've used mostly every drug there is. Being homeless 13 times. In 215 mental hospitals. In 3 foster homes (2 out of 3 were abusive) group homes, unlocked and locked treatment centers, rehabs shelters, crisis centers. Short and long term treatment centers. Which none will take me back cuz I've been there to many times. I've sold myself && got tortured abused raped drugged up for drugs and money to raise my unbio son, Anthony. I lost custody cuz of false accusations. I've had multiple near death experiences (some were suicide attempts && some were naturally done) my drug of choice was meth. I've had trauma 24/7 from 2001-2018, over 10+ mental illnesses. Some were caused from a few bad trips on PCP that I never came back from. I was sleeping anywhere I could rest my head, I had to be alert at all times. Tbh I havent been to a meeting in awhile. My sponsor is like family to me. I'm redoing all my steps. I'm on step 2. I've lost a shit ton of people to drugs and I was literally getting cop calls everyday. Drugs messed with my life. And having this much clean time is amazing. Most of my life I've gotten abused raped, literally tortured and drugged up. Sold. Prostituted, almost killed. But no pity sympathy or attention pls. Any clean time is good time. And I'm proud of all of you in recovery drug addiction is a special kinda hell. Drugs become your priority and your best friend. I got tortured on the daily by people coming in one by one torturing me from orders from Kimberly (my ex fiance who hung herself in front of me) it was one by one. I got so caught on in drugs that it was the only way I knew. I used to numb the pain. I'm so blessed I found God again. Now I have 22+ mental breakdowns a day every day. I found out it had a lot to do with my drug use.🔥🔥🥀🥀

🥀🖤Thank you for breathing even when u wanted to die. Drugs kill you. There's nothing about it to be proud of its serious. You Matter Yo Important Yo A Someone Yo Enough Yo Worth It Yo Have A Purpose, Yo Have A Story, A Message, A Voice, A Reason, Yo A Warrior, A Soldier, A Survivor, A Fighter. You Are U && NoOne Can Be You, But YOU. Your Life Matters YOU MATTER, Yo Life Has Value &% I'm Glad Your Alive. Thank U For Being Alive. People say that I help everyone and everything obsessively && I don't stop. It's very true. This is a shout out to my unbio son that I raised as my own, Anthony Castillo-Martinez, I met him at one of the many abusive foster homes. Where it was owned illegally by Andrea/Angela && Jimmy Miller. We got tortured daily. They were not licensed foster parents. I met Lil Toni there and I escaped with him to meet up with Kimberly. We lived in a run down hotel in LA. I became homeless again. Toni got me through so much and even tho I can't find him (he's been gone for years) your my lil baby. I will always love u. U are my world and one day I hope to see u again. I hope you have a good home now. Going to school. Just doing well in general. And I'm sorry for you witnessing what Kimberly was doing to me. I love u babes with all my heart. 🖤🥀

🖤🔥🥀I failed Cedar House twice. This was a rehab in San Bernardino, California. I lied my way out. And I regret it. Funny thing is I already read the entire NA Basic Text && The AA Big Book. I have multiple sobriety apps on my phone and I have an app that that has NA && AA Speakers on it. I'm reading the How && Why and I'm so proud of myself && I couldn't have got this far without my sponsor, Jaclyn. She understands me better than any sponsor I've had in recovery. Here's a list of my mental disorders, some were caused Or made worse by drugs and alcohol🥀🔥🖤

🌙🔥🔥Schizo-Affective, Bipolar

ADHD, OLD, ODD,

PTSD, Insomnia

Depression, Anorexia

Anxiety, Autism

Borderline Personality Disorder

Severe Brain Damage

Attachment Disorder

Dissociative Identity Fund..

Multiple Personality Disorder

Narcolepsy, Critically/Clinically Insane🔥🔥🌙

🖤🥀Listen I don't need your pity, sympathy or attention these were all diagnosed by over 5 psychiatrists, and diagnosed "Insane" by over 10 doctors. DO NOT SELF DIAGNOSE!!!! Anyways. I attempted suicide over 100 times. Self harmed in anyway possible. They say I'm the most high maintenance case in the system of California. And the next time I go to a mental hospital I'm getting sent to a state institution. I would do anything to get drugs. Jeremy && Izzie Baraz were my street partners. They both passed away. All I have left in blood family is my mom and brother. My mom. Says if I pick up drugs one more time I'm never aloud back in her house. My dad injected me with meth and heroin at age 9, he also tortured me daily. He passed away in 2011. I'm glad he's dead. But I take full responsibility for my drug and alcohol habits. And I hope I never go back. One Day At A Time.🥀🖤

🔥🥀This To Shall Pass, If Not Today There's Always Tomorrow

God, Grant Me The Serenity

To Accept The Things I Cannot Change

The Courage To Change The Things I Can. &&

The Wisdom To Know The Difference

Amen🥀🔥

🔥🔥Keep Coming Back It Works If You Work It🔥🔥

🔥🔥A Moment Of Silence, For The Addict Who Still

Suffers, In And Out Of These Rooms🔥🔥

🔥🔥Staying Clean, Im Never Going Back🔥🔥

🥀🖤I almost relapsed again on New Year's. I almost asked a stranger to buy me Vodka. But God told me to stop.

I'm Always Here 4 All Of You, No matter What.

I'd Do Anything To Keep Y'all Alive && Breathing. To Make U OK. to Save && Fix U && Take Your Pain Away. I Love Y'all. Keep Coming Back.🖤🥀