#i already heavily related tk

[technicolorxsn]

once again thinking about ddlc+ and sayori

[therogueheart]

So I’ve seen a few posts questioning why it’s always Eddie in fics that struggles (sometimes negatively) with his sexuality or experiences internalised homophobia, some of which vague that it’s hateful towards the character or follows the ‘trend’ of victimising/babying Buck. There are also posts I’ve seen that reference the same, but in relation to the actual show and the handling of Buddie or mlm relationships with Buck and Eddie in canon.

So I’m going to do what I did with my post about Eddie’s reactions (or lack thereof) being in character, and lay it out as factually as I can.

It is more in-character for Eddie to be the one to struggle or to have a difficult sexuality journey than it is for Buck.

Even the show, in not so many words, has said the same thing. We’ve already seen Buck in several scenarios where his sexuality is questioned, assumed or vaguely referenced, and in none of them does he have a negative or overtly reactive response.

Buck’s sexuality was outright assumed, twice, to his face. In the first instance with the Christmas Elf Lady he was openly confused but ultimately shrugged it off with a smile and compliment. In the scene with TK we see him react a little more expressively, but with no obvious negativity or unhappiness. Poor baby was just confused that his bid for friendship was being taken as flirting, explicitly by a homosexual male. 

Eddie, however, has several character factors that would point towards a choppier journey with realising he isn’t heterosexual. To name a few:

His (explicitly stated and referenced) past relationships, love interests and current love interest are all female, although the same can be said for Buck.

On the subject of Buck; Eddie also isn’t shown to have any real friendships with men (or women) outside of the 118, and none as close-knit as Buck. Eddie also doesn’t behave with his male peers (such as Bobby, Chimney and Albert) the way he behaves with Buck. Contrary to this, Buck is referenced up until recently to have been a very social person outside of the 118, even thus far as to live with several other men prior to moving into Abby’s and then into his own apartment.

Eddie was brought up in a heavily Latino/Latinx family and lifestyle and presumably, community. It’s common for Latino/Latinx communities to expect men to comply with the ‘macho family man’ archetype, and there are multiple resources from Latino/Latinx people that review the toxic masculinity of the communities and culture. We see a reflection of this in Carlos from 911: Lonestar, where his family is accepting but in a dismissive way, so much so that he makes the decision to introduce his boyfriend as a work friend.

He served in the military. Now the military is notorious for being the most homophobic ‘gay for the stay’ community you’ll ever encounter. It’s kind of fine to jerk each other off behind the craft building while thinking of your wives, but if someone comes out as gay they could be outcast, given a vaguely or outright homophobic nickname and face the age old ‘you’re gay so you’re a predator/risk’ type of treatment. (I’m not saying everyone and every base is like this, but again there are plenty of resources available that document the institutional homophobia in military spaces.) In worst cases gay/bi+ men are bullied or forced out of the barracks, beaten or killed.

Canon extensively implies that Eddie is straight. We don’t get the same vagueing and hinting/joking that we do with Buck. The closest we’ve come is the livestream where several comments mentioned him and Buck as a couple, but we don’t see Eddie react to these or even potentially notice them. Every time crushes or love interests are explicitly presented to/for Eddie, they’re female. Ignoring any possible meta about camera and behaviour choices, Eddie is depicted exactly the same as the other heterosexual male characters of the show, such as Bobby and Chimney. Contrastingly, Buck is the only one who receives explicit reference to or vagueing towards his sexuality and relationships, especially with Eddie.

Relating to the point above; if Eddie is a closeted bi/pan/demi/gay+ man, then he’s lived as a straight man for years and it would be a colossal change for him to come out. It would mean coming out to his family (assuming he hasn’t already, and to the family that already thinks he can’t function without a wife), his friends and peers, it would mean dealing with the change in perception of him from his peers and adjusting various aspects of his life; not least, talking to Christopher about it too.

In Season 3 and 4 we also see Eddie struggle with moving on from Shannon, and I think it’s plausible that Eddie would feel it’s some kind of betrayal to her. Eddie would likely wonder if his sexuality aided to the collapse of their marriage and would likely also wonder about the impact it had on their chances of reconnecting and his relationships with Buck and Shannon, if Buddie is the pathway to Eddie’s sexuality exploration.

Now I’m not saying Eddie would go off-the-rails homophobic in the instance that he was put in a situation like the ones Buck has been in, but Eddie would definitely be in-character to have some form of mild crisis, fear or doubt about explicitly realising he’s attracted to a man.

Eddie would quite literally have to question his entire existence and past and explore this new part of his identity, whereas from what we’ve seen on screen thus far it’s far more likely that Buck is open to or has already considered his own sexuality. Buck is also easier going about new parts of his identity, which the show depicts through his ‘Buck 1.0′ style self-developments.

Also; it is perfectly plausible for someone to be completely fine with other people being LGBT+ but to struggle with a change or discovery of their own sexuality. Again, the LGBT+ community is full of stories, most notably the Reddit thread about the man who realised he wasn’t homophobic; just jealous. Eddie’s immediate acceptable of Hen and Michael does not necessarily equate to immediate acceptable of his own sexuality.

When people consistently write Eddie as the one to have a sexuality reckoning, it’s not out of hate for the character or out of the desire to whump/baby Buck. It’s just in line with the character. Similarly, if the show does decide to go ahead with Buddie or to reveal Eddie as not heterosexual, please don’t lash out or criticize if they depict him struggling with it or taking a long time to adjust/accept it. Similar to healing, the journey of sexuality exploration is not always linear. Michael’s character is an excellent example of this, paralleled by Charles from Why Women Kill.

[prue84]

Warren Worthingon III headcanons – Powers

Further headcanons. In this part, I elaborate on Warren’s past powers and abilities not related to his specific mutation.

Part I | Part II: romantic life | Part III: more powers | Part IV: his women

[Updated 08/9/2023]

Extract from my own Warren Worthington Headcanons post here:

Imagine the amazing things authors could come up with if they remembered and decided to fit Warren with three cosmic/celestial powers. [Life Seed, Death Seed, Vortex]

and also

I’m totally suggesting a huge power-up when he manages to unlock both Death and Life seeds powers and also some Crimson Dawn and his Vortex abilities.

Under the read more so I can easily modify whatever I feel like modifying or updating.

Warning: Please bear in mind that I'm about to give Warren a huge power up. Also, explanations and ramblings on why I'm picking all these powers out of Warren’s past at the post linked above – amidst some other canon and non canon things of our favorite flyboy that you might be interested in.

(How Warren acquires - back - these powers in another post that’s on the works)

It needs an awful amount of time and training to unlock each and all of Warren’s potential so I’m in no way suggesting these abilities should be reacquired and mastered in a day. I’m speaking on a years-span basis.

The powers are also strictly compartmentalized, so he can’t use a specific ability (say, survive in space courtesy of the Black Vortex) while drawing from another source (say, healing). But, with time, he’ll learn to shift from one to another with such as speed and on instinct that he’ll almost be able to use two abilities in conjunction (say, one moment he’s throwing flecettes and the next he’s already flying away in light form).

*

Life Seed (the seeds are gifts that give their users cosmic power - Victor von Doom, Earth-295)

Its powers apparently run out after Warren, believing himself a true angel, abused of them. But, contrary to what Hank McCoy had predicted, running out of the Life Seed powers didn't cost Warren's life. Yes, it did kill Warren, but just killed new Warren persona, allowing the previous – original – Warren to resurface. The Life Seed has never vanished, though, and it's been dormant in Warren since then, latching onto old modifications that Warren received from Apocalypse, the life-force energies that awakened after the battle against Horseman Death Wolverine and apparently burned out when he healed his former War mate Abraham.

When he finally learns how to tap into the Life Seed, he finds – feels – like he did that time, with all the additional perks he enjoyed when he was memory-less and believed himself a true angel. The energy appears and acts like light but technically it’s not light, as Dazzler can tell. Still, training alongside Alison (who mentors him on how using light), allows Warren to further master this ability to levels he never knew when he was memory-less.

He can manipulate the energy to give it a shape. He can make swords and shields that can be as sturdy as objects made of metal; the more his power is fresh and the more they can withstand brutal force or powers thrown their way - his long-time fighting side by side with Betsy, who uses her TK in such a way, might have shaped his approach to this ability. This use heavily wears him out on the long run so he tries to avoid it as much as he can, though (besides, he already has a pair of wings that act like a perfect offensive and defensive weapon).

Use of the Life Seed energy unlocks the set of powers Warren experienced that time when he wandered through New York on glowing wings with former Death Horseman Wolverine on his tail and Betsy trying to talk to his mind. It's the same warm force that allowed him to heal Abraham, but this time it doesn't drain, it's still within him, a source that can be strained but never truly runs dry. If he uses too much of this power, he risks tapping into his own life force, though.

He can choose to be incorporeal in this form, made of glowing light, like he did that time, and he can infuse that light into other people, healing them. In the light form is untraceable by hyper senses and his mind feels "blank" to telepaths, who get from him “statics”, so he can’t be located.

He can turn his incorporeal, life-force light wings into solid wings that can cut despite the feathered shape or use them as a shield to protect others while leaving the rest of his body incorporeal – he learns to use this ability in a way similar to how Kitty Pryde uses her phasing powers during a fight. He can launch his light feather as flechettes but, unlike Archangel's, these ones relieve of pain and help find “clarity” - they get much helpful when dealing with a conflicted villain or a person that has been brainwashed.

It's straining for him, but he can move through air at a very fast speed if he focuses enough. One moment he isn't there, the next is behind the enemy, silent and towering like a statue made of burning white light. He still flies under the power of his wings because it's very, very hard to keep himself whole while moving at such a speed in a light form.

In his light form, some of his healing power can seep out of him. If he walks, under his feet life thrives, flowers bloom or grass grows, like a power boost to nature, while a person near him could feel refreshed.

The life energy powers awake once again the psionic abilities, such as partial shields from telepathic intrusions and limited telepathic communication.

He also regains the use of the psi-talons, when he can elongate the tips of his fingers into claws of psy-energy that can rip through the fabric of one's psyche.

The complete potential of the Life Seed allows for resurrections (which is some powers use that Warren can save, since the invention of The Protocols).

The Life Seed greatly enhances Warren self-healing powers, although not even it can’t make him immortal from deadly illnesses and heavy physical damage.

*

Death Seed (the seeds are gifts that give their users cosmic power - Victor von Doom, Earth-295)

X-Force members Logan and Betsy never questioned what they had been explained: a Life Seed is necessary to break the influence of the Death Seed. Their powers should nullify each other, they thought. They never questioned this axiom, nor had a chance to, even when Warren - memory-less and reborn against all odds - showed powers that were linked to the Life Seed, nor they made questions when those apparently dried out. They never asked themselves a simple question: if there's still a trace of Life Seed in Warren, couldn't be there’s a trace of Death Seed as well? Did stabbing Warren with the Life Seed destroyed the Death Seed in him or just broke its influence on Warren’s mind? Can a Death Seed be really destroyed in the first place?

Then things happened, Archangel appeared. No one truly wondered how Archangel resurfaced, because only a handful of people knew that Archangel was supposed to be forever vanished, burned out of Warren by the Life Seed, and when Warren decides to accept back that part of him to be whole again, only few X-Men were present – and the only one who could care and be worried was also the one who was too happy to see Warren on a path to regain his old self again to make questions. Also, there were more impending things and the conflict with the Inhumans knocked, diverting Betsy's attentions elsewhere.

Warren embraced this new self and then, finally, regained everything he had been, including memories and personality. By that time other tragedies fell on the X-Men, they were relocated to another universe and then they were busy founding Krakoa. Everyone accepted that somehow Warren could control his Archangel persona and neither Logan nor Betsy ever wanted to reminisce the time of Archangel as Apocalypse Heir, especially now that Apocalypse himself is returned so there should be no risk of any Ascension Protocol to ever kick in again.

But within Warren a fragment of the Death Seed laid dormant, brought to him by the Archangel that merged with his memory-less past self. An Archangel that was created by the fragments of the Death Seed that never truly vanished but just turned into splinters after the clash with the Life Seed. And the more Warren lets Archangel come out, the more he calls Archangel's powers out, the more the Death Seeds fragments grow, attracting the Death Seeds dust that had been spread since that day Betsy stabbed Warren to stop him.

When the Death Seed is complete, Warren can tap into the powers that made him the new Apocalypse, but this time – balanced by the presence of the Life Seed – he's in control, he’s no more influenced by it. He's not slave to the instinct of evolution, he isn't compelled by a mission. But he actually develops true powers fitting to an Horseman called Death.

In his Death, Archangel's form, he can suck life force from people and everything that is alive. If he walks, behind his feet leaves a path of death, flowers whiter. His aura scares animals, and if he were to touch one the poor creature would feel strength sap out and, if he focuses enough, he can deplete all the life force from a creature, killing them.

His Death persona, while enticed by rage and anger, is focused but detached at the same time.

The Death Seed grants immunity to the passing of time. The recipient isn’t immortal, they still can be killed, but can live forever as long as they alternate living to periods of deep rest to let the Seed replenish its power.

*

Black Vortex (Cosmic power - turns an individual into a cosmic entity)

Despite Cable's best efforts, cutting Warren's cosmic wings and replacing them with a clone of Angel's feathered wings donated by Mimic didn't remove the Vortex powers from teenager Angel, because cosmic powers can't just be removed by cutting out any enhancements. As long as the Black Vortex exists, those who had been touched and never asked it to have their cosmic powers removed, are connected to the Black Vortex. The connection just laid dormant when teenager Warren was sent back in the past from where it came from and lived (again) his life. As Gara warned, once you have been touched by the Vortex, you are forever changed. The cosmic energies still flew in Warren during the years, but - with Angel’s mind wiped of all the memories of his stay in his future - he has no idea he was given such a power. But, from within, the energies protected him, healing or restoring him in ways his mutant body couldn’t nor should do on his own, allowing him to survive when his power sets suggested otherwise.

When the block Jean put on their minds falls and Warren regains the memories of his teen-self adventures, he instinctively starts to tap into the Black Vortex cosmic powers. Channeling them doesn’t come easy, as he’s deprived of the enhancements he was given at the time, especially because he has to learn how to tap into them without setting off a permanent change to his wings. Once he’s in full control of the energies, Warren can do with them everything his teenager self did, although the peaks can be reached only when he's in space – something to do with the nature of the Vortex and its connection to the forces that permeates space and that are somehow dimmed in Earth atmosphere.

His wings can turn celestial energy to a fire that cannot be extinguished by water. In space his wings shift from a feather form into celestial energy, enabling him faster than light travel through space. Through them he can discharge energy to destroy even whole planetary fleets. He can also conjure a pair of blades that can cut through anything.

The Vortex powers allow him to exist in open space. Not only he doesn't suffer from the lack of oxygen, but his body can withstand the crushing forces that make anyone not suited with cosmic powers to blow up in space.

Since Warren accepted the Vortex powers when he had yet to be touched by Apocalypse, they don't work in Archangel's form – Warren can't tap into any of the Vortex abilities if he's in the Archangel form.

With time, the Black Vortex powers can take again the individual to their true cosmic potential unleashed and, given enough time, Warren could return to the final form he gained when he was fully touched by the Black Vortex and ascended to cosmic entity status.

*

Crimson Dawn

When Warren gave up a part of his soul in bargain for Betsy's during the battle against Kuragari, he unwittingly allowed for a connection to the Crimson Dawn, that fed on the dark thoughts and ambitions of the Archangel persona, latching to that form.

Not as strong at the one Betsy experienced (as Betsy was infused by the force of the Crimson Dawn), with time and training he can tap into those powers as well, as long as he's in the Archangel form.

He can be one with the shadows and take a form made of complete darkness, like a coat of ink over his whole body, only his eyes flashing bright red.

He can teleport through shadows, using the Crimson Dawn realm as passage, and emerge from shadows like darkness taking shape.

When tapping into that connection, the Crimson Dawn mark flares on his face, in a bright burning red, but the mark isn't permanent and vanishes as soon as he closes the connection.

The Crimson Dawn mystical forces are aroused by the dark powers of the Archangel and it's only Warren's unawareness of the connection, that blinded him of it when he ascended to his role as new Apocalypse. The connection, fleeting like a fuzzy lure to darkness, reveals itself only when the Death Seed is fully reformed.

*

The Phoenix

Once Warren has fully mastered the powers given him by the Seeds, he has the potential to draw the Phoenix, as he is perceived as a cosmic force of life and death.

The Phoenix would pick Warren only if she wasn't allowed to bond with Jean again - in a future in which Jean once again refused to be one with the Phoenix, the Phoenix would look for other potential hosts. Warren, having in himself both the forces of life and death, would be a perfect choice for her - being balanced between the two would allow Warren to be less vulnerable to the powers that the Phoenix brings, and would not succumb to Dark Phoenix

———————————————————————————————

Notes I know. Too much. Do I care? No. I’m too fandom-old to care, at this point. It’s not that in 60 years of canon we never got absurd powers up anyway - some stuck and are accepted (Wolverine absurd levels of healing factor come to my mind, although not the biggest culprit in the MU), so... why not? Besides, I’m not pitching these ideas for a new X-Men title, and I’m not even planning a serious fanfiction out of them. Feel free to snag one, some or all of these if you’re interested. Credit is welcome but not required, although I’d like if you at least let me know if you used (I might want to take a look at what you did with this knowledge!). I’d also like to engage and hear your thoughts: you can use the posts notes. My IM is open, or you can reach me through ask at my main @hakka84. (Not that anyone will even read this post, let alone interact)

About the Life Seed powers The life-energy powers came out of nowhere, with no explanation besides a generic “Apocalypse” during Apocalypse: The Twelve and never mentioned again, although it was implied that Warren used them all to heal former-War. (How much I would’ve liked they stuck, giving then-non-Archangel Warren two powers that would make him an enemy to not underestimate: Logan says Warren can’t be traced by smell, and Betsy - on top of not being able to read his mind - is quite horrified when Warren pops out the talons, labeling them very dangerous.) The rest are what memory-less Warren did in Wolverine & the X-Men. (I didn’t like those powers - they made Warren just another superhero with energy blasts, so I didn’t savage those.)

About the Death Seed powers For how I envisioned them, both the Life and Dead Seeds powers have an healing/killing effect similar to the ones of Elixir but, contrary to Elixir, Warren isn't corrupted by the killing power, while his healing powers can - with due time - reach resurrection levels, but they can’t easily regrow lost body parts as Elixir does. The life force isn’t sucked out nor absorbed by Warren, like Selene does - it’s just destroyed. The rest mentioned is to fix Apocalypse’s need to get his centuries-long rest with the conflicting (newer) info about the Death Seed giving cosmic powers (which should mean some kind of immortality IMHO).

About the Black Vortex powers Basically what was seen in the Black Vortex arch. We weren’t explained how Warren went from light wings to those metallic/like bones with fire as wingspan. I wasn’t a fan of how the wings were rendered, with those metallic-like bones/roots that, in some panels, stood even when the wings were “turned off”, so I elect to remove them and have the wings fully fire or blueish white light.

About the Crimson Dawn powers The same abilities shown by Betsy during her brief post-Crimson Dawn appearances to then forgotten by the time Revolution came.

About the Phoenix: It has recently (see update date) come to my attention that Warren, ascended as Apocalypse's heir, was able to draw the Phoenix and use it against her very host - Jean Grey from the Age of Apocalypse. Warren explains the Phoenix betrayal with the following "You seek to use [the Phoenix] to stop what which it desires most... death and rebirth.".

———————————————————————————————

Crossposted Dreamwidth: prue84.dreamwidth.org/81203.html Livejournal: prue84.livejournal.com/89356.html

[morganaspendragonss]

I really love soulmate first word AUs and wonder if you could do a Tarlos one of them meeting? Hope you enjoy your break!

hey lovely! thanks for the prompt, i hope you enjoy it!

*cw for references to a drug overdose and an implied suicide attempt*

ao3

TK hasn’t believed in soulmates for a long time.

He does as a kid, because don’t all kids like the idea of a perfect romance, ready and waiting for them to fall into? He hangs onto his parents’ every word when they relate how they found each other, the moment they realised their Soul Marks matched. TK believes in their story, and he wants something just like what they have.

Then, too quickly, he grows up.

He hears stories of soulmates who never meet, doomed to live life without their pre-ordained other half. Some find happiness anyway; others don’t, too caught up in the fantasy of perfection to settle.

He hears about soulmates who do meet, and then don’t end up working out. His parents fall into this category, their marriage falling apart even before TK learns that soulmates aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. He wonders, sometimes, if they were lying about being soulmates, because his mom seems so much happier with Enzo, and his dad… Well, his dad moves on. He knows, logically, that it’s not true, but the thought is there anyway.

Worst of all, he hears that soulmates aren’t meant for people like him, people who love the wrong way. These tales usually come in the form of insults, and TK learns to disregard them. Even so, the idea sticks in his head for longer than he wants it to, sending a panicked bolt through him despite his disdain for the whole soulmate business.

He almost doesn’t look at his Mark when it shows up on his eighteenth birthday. He stubbornly averts his eyes until his arm is fully covered up, telling himself that it’s better this way. But his resolve weakens as the day wears on, and TK eventually finds himself shoving his sleeve up, looking down before he can second-guess himself.

He’s an impressive guy.

TK stares down at the writing, sitting heavily on the end of his bed as a shard of hope he didn’t even know he had left breaks and vanishes. He’s not sure what he’d been expecting, but words that show his so-called soulmate openly declaring affection for another man aren’t it. 

TK tells himself that he doesn’t care. He probably won’t ever meet this guy, and, if he does, he supposes they can still be friends. Or they can ignore each other. That sort of thing happens, he hears. This means nothing to him; it never did, and it never will.

(He pretends to believe it)

*

At twenty-three, he meets Alex. TK has fallen far since eighteen, hospital trips and rehab facilities becoming staples in his life for several years. He’s been sober for a while now, but sometimes the emptiness inside him is so crushing that he wants nothing more than to give up again.

But Alex is a good guy - the best, really - and TK decides that the universe got it wrong with him. Alex’s first words to him were nothing more than a simple, “Hey”, but TK knows that they’re meant to be together. He even tells people that they’re soulmates when they ask, and because Alex shares his jaded view, he never tries to correct him.

It’s the happiest TK has ever been, and it refuses to throw it all away just because of four meaningless words on his arm.

Their relationship isn’t perfect, but whose is? Even soulmates argue, so he and Alex are completely fine. Better than fine. His dad - the only person besides Alex who knows about TK’s Mark - disagrees, repeatedly telling him that they’re not good for each other. TK doesn’t listen, rolling his eyes the first few times before tuning his dad out altogether. 

He regrets that decision when, months later, he finds himself in his front room, engagement ring traded for oxy. A rip-off, really, but it’s not like he’ll be around long enough to care too much.

“I found him, TK,” Alex had said, his voice now echoing in TK’s head. “My soulmate.”

“But… You don’t believe in any of that crap.”

“I didn’t. But Mitchell is incredible, and I want to be with him. Properly, that is. I’m sorry, TK.”

*

Somehow, TK survives. He’s dragged to Austin, forced into a new city, a new team, a new life. He goes along with it, trying to find something beyond the grey, if only to make his dad happy. It’s an impossible task, but he’s good at faking smiles, so no-one needs to know.

Love and soulmates are the furthest things from his mind, because TK knows now. It’s not that the system is broken, it’s that he is. Those people from years ago were right all along; maybe soulmates do exist, just not for someone like him, who’s so irredeemably fucked up that no-one could possibly love them.

He refuses to waste any time thinking about his Mark, which is why he’s so caught off guard one rainy night when his dad rescues a baby from a tree, and a beautiful police officer approaches him.

“He’s an impressive guy.”

“He’s my dad,” TK responds unthinkingly. The officer’s words take a few seconds to sink in, and he almost gives himself whiplash from the speed at which he turns to look at him. “What did you say?”

The officer is wearing an identical look of shock, eyes wide as he stares at TK. “I…” He grins and shakes his head. “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.”

Despite himself, TK’s heart begins to beat that bit faster and he can’t help the slow smile that spreads across his face. “Easy there, cowboy,” he jokes. “At least buy me dinner first.”

“How about a drink? I’ll be at the bar tonight.”

TK freezes, backing up a step or two. He’s been avoiding bars like the plague since New York; beside which, this whole thing is dangerous. If this really is his soulmate, then the universe has shitty timing, because the last thing he wants right now is someone else breaking his already ruined heart. TK carefully studies the guy, cataloguing his kind eyes, his open face, his body, obviously gorgeous despite being hidden under his uniform and raincoat. 

He’s the kind of guy TK could easily fall for, which is exactly why he should be running right now. And yet.

“Sure,” he says, smiling. “I’ll see you there, Officer…”

“Reyes.” The officer leans in, so his breath tickles TK’s ear. “But you can call me Carlos.”

“TK.”

They shake hands, both laughing at the absurdity of the gesture. TK’s half sure he imagined the spark that passed between them at the contact, but he knows for certain that he wants - needs - Carlos in his life.

Standing there in the rain, looking into his soulmate’s eyes, TK tentatively starts to believe again.

[akookminsupporter]

I’m the original anon who talked about my friends getting harassed, so I’m sorry if I’ve started an unpleasant conversation. This is going to be a long message, but there are five things I do want to point out:

1. I see that a lot of you think it’s just one friend who went through harassment. Sadly, nope! TWO different friends of mine (and I only call about 5 of my Twitter mutuals friends, so that’s a heavy number for md) were attacked. It’s honestly scary that these harassers feel so comfortable bullying people because they know they can get away with it. And that brings me to my next point.

2. Though the majority were TKers, many of them were also OT7 ARMYs who didn’t have a specific ship. They’re adamant that all the members are best friends and are each others’ number 1s. Don’t get me wrong, I know all of BTS are friends and super close in a way I can’t be with anyone else because they share experiences no one else can relate to with all the barriers they’re breaking and risks they’re taking, but I’m not dumb. These harassers are people who don’t think of BTS as real people because if they did, they’d understand that just like everyone else in the world, BTS are bound to be closer to some members more than the others. That’s literally how friendships work?? And so many of them cling onto younger TK who were much closer than they are now, so whoever dares to reiterate what TK have said themselbes and say their relationship had changed, they immediately feel attacked and turn to attacking that person.

3. Many also said these harassers were probably young teenagers and wow would that have been more reassuring than the reality! Most of them were 19+ and some of the main ones being passive aggressive were 25+!! And my friends were so young. One was 16 and the other just turned 18. Seeing these adults harass kids for opinions they shared for their followers (they didn’t even have huge accounts! 300 followers at most) was so strange and horrific.

4. One anon said that TKers themselves pointed out how awkward TK were and blamed it on the staff. How hypocritical of them! Nearly all BTS lives are monitored. If they had watched the KM kimbap lives (and I know they didn’t, sadly), they would have known that KM were also being heavily monitored. In the live, they were often looking at and interacting with someone off-camera, a staff member most likely. And yet, there was NO awkwardness between KM. JK even initiated hand holding the last few minutes of the second kimbap live. And I know they’re mad enough to say that it’s bc TK are dating and that’s why they’re awkward, but then they’ve negated their own arguments! They’ve got to decide on one script: is it that BH is hiding TK and that’s why they’re never doing shoots, units, and lives together or not? Because how would making them do a live where they’re visibly awkward not quell suspicions of dating from their believers??

5. Though I hate talking about it, I agree that a lot of the hate JM receives from TKers has homophobic undertones and they often make JM the “other woman,” which is already an inherently misogynistic concept. But I wanted to bring in another similar point. If they’re already this homophobic with TK’s best friend, imagine how they are to LGBTQ+ people offline who AREN’T TK? There’s a popular meme on Twitter and it’s, “how am i homophobic im literally a taekooker” because a TKer got exposed for making gay jokes while being straight and being overall homophobic, and that’s so worrisome because that’s not a one time thing! Countless tweets (one that stands out is “i used to be homophobic and then i fell in love with TK’s love for each other”) of homophobes who ship TK, which just ends up being fetishization. I worry that if TH and/or JK came out but they weren’t dating each other and had some other man as their partner, TKers would end up spewing LGBTphobic hate just because TK aren’t together and they end up harassing their partners. They’re already so comfortable with it when it comes to JM.

Jesus 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ .I am sorry for what your friends went through.

 I don't understand why some people think or choose to understand that when we mention Jungkook and Tae's conversation on ITS it is to say that they are not friends, that's not what we mean, that's not what they said! Simply what we say and what we point out is that THEY THEMSELVES said that their relationship is not the same as it was when they were younger, nothing else.

Is it even more disturbing? When such behaviour comes from adults, because a minor can be excused but an adult? I guess that's another proof that age is not a synonym for maturity.

I've seen or read comments like that too: I hate gay people but I love taekook, mainly on tiktok and instagram. It's extremely disturbing. I don't want to generalise, but a lot of that... group needs professional help, I don't know exactly which one, but they need help.

[lonestarbabe]

I have a feeling TK wont stick with being a paramedic, i feel like Tommy will ask him to trial it like we all suspected but something will happen requiring the crew to go save someone and TK will run to go with them and Tommy will stop him like no im your captain you stay here and wait for the injured people to help,,, like we know TK doesn't like waiting or feeling 'useless/helpless' after what he said in the crossover so yh i think he will end up going back to being a full time firefighter just with extra training from the trial

I don’t really feel the same way on this one. I would assume that TK would already have the training because they’re not going to put him in the role if he doesn’t have the qualifications. I also think that if they’re going to do it, they’re going to commit to it. The transition won’t be all that crazy probably because despite being called “firefighters” firefighters don’t spend most of their time fighting fires, and the roles of paramedic and firefighter are already heavily intertwined. Many firefighters are also EMTs and some are paramedics! So, TK doesn’t even have to give up anything! I’ll give a little more information to illustrate this point, but that’s mostly just because I find the information interesting.

Using information from the Austin Fire Department Annual Executive Summary (2016 is shown, but you can seek out other years but they didn’t have as nicely arranged info for my purposes), you can see that medical calls are by far what the fire department responds to.

(the gray is comparison numbers from 2015)

With so many medical calls, it makes sense that in the 70s and 80s, firefighters began to train more in medical care. (This article gives some more insight and why and how firefighters are involved with medical calls, and a lot of is related to more fire safety measures in buildings and other preventative measures. While there are fewer fires, they still need the manpower on hand for when fires do happen, so they’ve got to keep the firefighters busy in evolving ways).

This video actually gives a really cool insight into the life of an actual firefighter/paramedic. Of course, the change would create some challenges and an adjustment period for TK, but it could also be highly rewarding and keep him in action. Fighting fire from an ambulance: A difficult but rewarding job is an article that shows the dynamic well! It would be a challenge, that’s for sure, but I think TK would feel helpful more than helpless because he certainly would be kept busy!

With that, you have my overly detailed answer.

[putschki1969]

Hikaru x SPICE Broadcast 11/8

As promised, here is a rough translation/detailed summary of Hikaru’s live broadcast from today (Nov 08).

The video is currently available in SPICE’s archive but it will be deleted after one week. For everyone who wants to download the interview, here is a google drive link (all credit goes to my friend @mowskyuu​ who kindly sent me the video). Everyone, ENJOY!

Without further ado, let’s get going. 〈(•ˇ‿ˇ•)-→ 

We start with Takeshi Kato (TK) introducing himself and his guest Hikaru. TK talks about how this broadcast is going to be about many firsts and about Hikaru‘s upcoming live. Being the nerd she is, Hikaru has prepared a detailed script for herself so she won’t lose track or feel intimidated. Then TK decides to be funny and annoy Hikaru by saying that since they have such a packed schedule he will simply change the entire content of the program so they can talk about anime and games XD

They invite everyone to use the hashtag #HikaruSPICE生放送 on Twitter to ask questions and write comments. Technically people can also comment on Youtube but it’s preferred that everyone uses Twitter. TK once again jokes about abandoning the script and making last minute-changes to mess with Hikaru a little but then he tells her to just relax and say whatever she feels like saying.

Hikaru then introduces her new solo project called H-el-ical// which was officially announced yesterday. TK assumes that the tension must have been quite high and that she must still feel super nervous now that she is doing this public live broadcast. Of course Hikaru confirms this. TK explains that they will have some H-el-ical// songs playing in the background and asks Hikaru what made her want to start this solo project. During her “break-period” she has always had a strong wish of wanting to continue singing, nothing ever changed about that but she had to think a lot about how to continue doing music since she didn’t have a clear idea. So for about half a year she thought about what she wanted to do while working part-time and learning some “life-lessons”/doing some “social studying”. During that time she didn’t write any lyrics although she really wanted to try it (it’s something she has always wanted). She talked a lot with her friends and acquaintances about the different possibilities, if she would be able to find someone who would write/compose music for her (the sort of music she had in her mind) so she could create lyrics for those songs. Then she was introduced to a composer and quickly after she decided to give the whole thing a try. This is how H-el-ical// came to life.

In May her first song got released on Youtube. TK points out that that must have been super weird for her since in the past she had never released music like that. It has always been through CDs or at lives. She must have been super nervous. And YES, she really was. Especially since she wasn’t releasing it under her real name but under the name of H-el-ical// so she had no idea how many people would even listen to that song. After all people were clueless about whose work it was. On the other hand, Hikaru really liked the idea of people coming in with a fresh mind, without any influence and having all these pure impressions.

They then start talking about Hikaru’s stage name H-el-ical// in detail. TK notes that Hikaru’s name was also written with a double slash in yesterday’s announcement. He wonders what the meaning is behind all of that. Hikaru explains that she plans to do her solo work as H-el-ical// and in the meantime she would like to refer to herself as Hikaru// but of course just Hikaru is fine too. For example, she was referred to as simply “Hikaru” in today’s announcement regarding the FictionJunction Station Talk&Live Event.

They begin reading some comments and one viewer points out that the second everyone heard the voice in H-el-ical//’s first song, they all knew for sure that it was Hikaru XD Hikaru laughs and agrees that there probably were some people who knew but they were kind enough to not make direct comments about it to her [I think Hikaru underestimated how many people knew]. We continue with our explanation of Hikaru’s stage name. First of all, “helical” as a normal word means spiral, something that’s always spinning upwards. It also represents a DNA structure which for Hikaru entails life, history and activity. These are the two things she thought about when choosing the word “helical”. Then we have the -el- in the middle which is highlighted. It stands for “elevation”, it’s about progress, about becoming more, about rising above. Last but not least there is the double slash (//) which for Hikaru represents some sort of Q.E.D. = an abbreviation which is placed at the end of a philosophical argument to indicate that the proof or the argument is complete. So to speak it is proof of her existence. This is her simply “being”. TK is impressed by all the thought Hikaru put into this, very otaku-like of her. Hikaru admits that it was very troublesome to come up with all of that. The double slash explanation also applies to her name of course. So Hikaru// literally just means “this is proof of Hikaru existing”.

Hikaru then talks some more about always wanting to sing, that she couldn’t imagine ever stopping. And since this is all so important to her she really wanted her stage name to have a proper meaning behind it. After all, a name is very important. She really put a lot of effort into that.

Back at the time of their first broadcast together Hikaru talked with SPICE and the e plus team because she really wanted to do a live. She told them about the H-el-ical// project, about her collaboration with the composer Gushimiyagi and that she would be joining a new agency. With their help the concert was made possible. SPICE&Co. introduced Hikaru to a couple of people and with just a handful of helpers they managed to make Hikaru’s wish of a concert become reality. Hikaru is still so freaking excited about that.

Hikaru talks about deciding on a setlist and all the other troubles that are related to organising an event like that. TK recalls that even during Kalafina days it was troublesome for Hikaru to do organising stuff like that so it must be so much worse now. Hikaru agrees that she really got to experience all the hardships that come with such a live production. Back in the day Keiko and Wakana would often take on these duties so she felt really grateful but now she had to do it all by herself.

Next up TK mentions the five songs Hikaru has released so far. TK is sure that most of the viewers have already listened to all of them. Hikaru is a bit hesitant, she thinks there will be lots of people who haven’t seen all the MVs because they were released in a relatively short amount of time. They ask the viewers whether or not the have listened to all the songs yet. And OF COURSE, they have!!

A few comments and questions are being read. Nothing exciting except for the person who asks what kind of part-time job Hikaru did during her break. As she already alluded to before, she wanted to experience life properly. In the past she had only ever worked at casual restaurants and such. While that gave her some social skills she wanted to try something else. Since she really loves children she decided to work as a nursery teacher. There she took care of toddlers and children up to five years old. She really loves their innocence. TK is surprised that Hikaru managed to be a waitress in the past, judging by her personality, that must have been really hard for her. Yes, Hikaru confirms that it was hard but she also kinda liked it. For example, she really loved recommending the best dishes and such. But yeah, getting to watch over these little kiddies was a completely new and amazing experience for her. She really learned a lot. She is surprised by how different their way of thinking is and how unique they all are, even the very little ones. We interrupt our talk with a bit of tapioca milk tea because what would Hikaru be without her tapioca milk tea??? XD

Viewers suggest that she should have worked at a tapioca place. Haha, yeah, Hikaru agrees, that would have been amazing. Hikaru then says that they sang a lot at her nursery, that was super fun. And she feels really inspired by that experience. For example, her third song “splendore” was very heavily influenced by the children she worked with. TK thinks it’s interesting that her songs all have a different language title but they will discuss that later. For now they wanna focus on Hikaru’s song writing experience. Hikaru says that it was all about expressing the images and world views that came to mind when she listened to Gushimiyagi’s melodies. She would talk a lot with him and listen to the melody repeatedly to get inspired. TK talks about old Kalafina times, at recordings Hikaru would always dress according to the image she wanted to express, does she still do that? Yes, she does still do that!

Now they focus on the individual songs and have the MVs playing in the background. TK says that her first song “pulsation” had a strong impact on him. Hikaru uses the opportunity to give a shout-out to her amazing artist because her videos are always gorgeous. TK notices that all of her five songs have a completely different atmosphere, they also feel very different to Kalafina’s songs. “pulsation” is about her relationship with music and how her life has been affected (is still being affected) by it. There is a lot of power in the melody, it makes you want to sprint forward so that’s how her lyrics came into existence. It’s about feeling lost and eventually finding your way so you can move on. Hikaru then talks about wanting variety in her songs, she doesn’t want to stick to a single genre, she also likes experimenting with different languages for her titles. She thinks that makes things much more interesting. After all, she has followers from all over the world with so many different interests. It’s in part thanks to all of us that she has made it this far so of course she would want to be versatile and open for everything. This is why she chose the different song titles. Cue to pronunciation guide. How does Hikaru pronounce all of her songs? [it’s kinda funny to see her struggle XD] She goes through all the titles, pronounces them and says what they mean in Japanese.

pulsation => English

Avaricia  => Spanish (Greed) Hikaru says she is always very greedy, in a sense that she can never get enough, she always wants more, she wants to go further.

Splendore => Italian (Sparkling) As she mentioned before, this song was heavily inspired by the children around her. It’s full of child-like wonder and innocence. It has a very fantastical atmosphere.

Amanhecer => Portuguese (Dawn) When she first heard the melody she immediately had to think of quietness and the water surface. There was a sense of love so that’s what she wrote about.

yolcu => Turkish (Traveler) For this song she wanted a very foreign/Middle Eastern/exotic vibe so of course the title had to be a little more exotic as well.

Hikaru hopes that the audience will find something they like among all her songs, everyone has different taste so it’s hard to lke everything but hopefully she can appeal to us with some of her work. These songs are all super special to her and she couldn’t even decide which one she likes most. This is the first time she has ever created something, properly expressed herself, put so much of herself into the music. She is very proud and happy. She is even more happy to hear all the fans saying that they love each and every song and they can’t choose.

One fan asks if Hikaru came up with her logo and yes, she did. But someone else made it a little fancier for her. TK then wants to know whether or not it was hard to record all these songs by herself. Yes, it was!! Some of the songs have different harmonies and she had to sing all of them. She already wonders how she is gonna do it at the live, it’s gonna be super hard to perform some of these songs. Speaking of the live, it’s time to announce the title!! *drumrolls please* The title is => H-el-ical// LIVE 2019  紡 -TSUMUGU- [spinning]

Some info about the date, the changed time, the venue and 2nd round of ticket application. Apparently Hikaru has tried really hard to talk with the live team to make some more room for the audience. Usually the venue has a capacity for around 2400 people, they are making more room by using space that’s usually reserved for equipment and stuff. Hikaru feels like she might have been a bit of a pain in the ass for the organisers but she just wants as many people as possible to be able to attend the concert. So everyone who is still looking for a ticket, please be sure to apply! Application period ends on November 17. Hikaru won’t just be singing her original songs but also some covers and then some...*hint hint* TK asks about why Hikaru chose that particular title for her concert. Hikaru says that from now onwards she would like to share many things with everyone as H-el-ical// (which as we have already established means “spiral”) so “spinning” seemed very fitting to convey that feeling. Also, who she is right now is spun out of everything she has done in the past ten years - including her acitivities as part of Kalafina. So she is just continuing the spinning so to speak. Hikaru can’t wait to sing all of her songs for us. Then we have some more random comments by fans...

Transition to live goods. TK says that he is already looking forward to Hikaru’s Goods Corner since she always did such a good job at their Kalafina lives. We can expect standard goods and stuff that has been suggested to her on twitter. There will also be one item with visuals, a pamphlet!! YAY! And the most important live good...a limited release of H-el-ical//’s first CD!!! BANZAI! Since it’s only a limited number, the CDs might be sold out quickly but she hopes lots of people can get it. There are 8 songs in total on the CD. She has already published five of them but since she wants to sing a lot of songs at the live, she also recorded three more songs which she put on the CD as well. Fans are saying she will surely sell a ton of CDs, someone suggests she should bring 20,000 copies to the live, Hikaru isn’t really convinced that she could ever sell that amount. She says there will probably be around 2,000 copies for sale. Further infos about live goods and such will be released at a later date. But fans can prepare themselves for about ten different items so everyone should look forward to that. Some fans suspect that the goods corner might take very long with so many goods XD Everyone is also super curious about the CD cover. Hikaru says it will be very simple, typical Hikaru style.

Then some info about Hikaru taking part in the FictionJunction Station Fan Club event. Hikaru is very excited to stand on stage together with the members of FictionJunction. After all at the time of the event it will be two years since she last stood together on stage with Keiko.

TK asks what went through her head during her break. Hikaru was hoping people would not forget about her. And the wish to continue singing kept going through her head. She was very confident about that. She spent a lot of time wondering how to bring her dreams to life. She feels super grateful right now because so much has already been realised. This past year she has learned so much that’s important for her life. Of course she also learned a lot during her Kalafina days but there were just a lot of things she didn’t have time for back then so that one-year-break was a great opportunity to learn many things about herself. She originally started Twitter to give something back to the fans who are loyally waiting for her. She is very happy about that so she just wants to share those feelings with everyone by posting regularly. Hikaru goes on to explain that she went from all her life being about Kalafina to doing pretty much nothing so she had a lot of time to think about everything. This was another reason she started her Twitter account. She wanted to grow as a person and do things she might have not done in the past.

They then read lots of random comments related to Kalafina since there is no denying that Hikaru’s fans are pretty much all from her Kalafina days, Hikaru doesn’t really say much, I guess she doesn’t know what she is supposed to say. It’s slightly awkward but yeah...Someone then asks if Hikaru can do a birthday greeting for all the viewers who are celebrating their b-day today. She does! TK then realises that it’s Hikaru’s twitter anniversary since she started her account last autumn. It’s also slowly time to wrap up the video. TK informs us that the video will be archived for one week and then it will be deleted (after getting a confirmation by Hikaru’s manager in the back). People are asking for Hikaru to sing something but unfortunately, there is no time. We will get lots of her singing at the live XD A fan asks her to come to Toyama to do a live. She REALLY wants to but it’s gonna take a while. There is some talk about when she first started Twitter and no one believed it was her so she had to upload a video to prove her identity.

Hikaru has prepared a final message for the fans. from now on she hopes to create lots of music as H-el-ical// and she wants to share it with all of us. Her first step in this new direction is the live on Dec 1. In the future she would like to create something from that base of H-el-ical//* and continue onwards with everyone [*Note: Hikaru mistakenly says Kalafina here instead of H-el-ical//. Obviously she is still used to saying this sort of stuff with Kalafina in mind XD She is later corrected] She is super embarrassed. OF COURSE she meant H-el-ical//’s base. With 10 years of Kalafina there is no way you can say that’s just a base! 10 years is a lot of baggage after all. She was obviously referring to her first steps as H-el-cal//.

Meanwhile they are once again promoting Hikaru’s upcoming live and teasing another live in the near future. Hikaru says that her agency might already be planning something *hint hint*

SPICE have prepared a little present for one of the viewers. H-el-ical//’s very first signature. For one lucky winner. Looking something like this but written by Hikaru of course.

To be eligible for this giveaway you have to follow the @spice_anige account on Twitter. You will be informed via DM if you won. Then some final promo work and a final greeting last by Hikaru.

[lire-casander]

1, 5, 8

1. of the fic you’ve written, which are you most proud of?

I have already answered this here and here, but I promised I would choose another fic for each answer, so here we are.

This is a tie between arashi and commit to memory this path afire, for different reasons. They were both, at the moment of posting, the longest fics I had written for the RNM fandom, and the longest stories I had written in over ten years. They were both written for exchanges, and I got an amazing friendship out of one of them *winks*

Both pushed me to explore my limits, my own fear of writing out of the box, and in the case of commit to memory this path afire, to go back to my roots and write poetry. I know it sucks big time, but it’s mine, and that’s all that matters. Also, I feel this fic is heavily under-appreciated, but that could be the greedy writer in me.

arashi is another thing entirely. It allowed me to mix my headcanon of rain being a cleansing element in every love story, and my headcanon that only violence towards Alex can make Michael snap and try to act. It’s one of the stories I loved the most while writing.

5. what inspires you to write?

I already answered this here, but I will get into some other factors that inspire me while writing.

I didn’t talk about personal experience, but it’s a huge inspiration for me. Sometimes I can relate to a character so much that I need to write from their POV what happened to me. Alex Manes is one of those characters. I’ve been vocal in the past (and I most probably will be in the future) about how much I see myself reflected in his traumas and the way he reacts to them. There are a few personal experiences bleeding into his characterization in several fics, but there’s one particularly that made me cry while writing it even if I know it didn’t happen in canon (it was an AU story). In fact @insidious-intent had to walk me through writing it because I was having a meltdown every time I tried to write it.

8. is there a character you love writing for the most? the least? why?

Again, answered this here, but I can tell you about the characters I like to write most and least in 911 Lone Star, since I know you enjoy the show as well.

For me, the best character to write is TK. I can slip into his headspace with ease, which shouldn’t be surprising but it should be worrisome, since he’s such a mess right now. he’s trying to sort through his emotions, and that’s something I find easy to explore.

About my least favorite character to write, I thought it was Grace, because of the sassy once again, but I’m finding that Carlos isn’t all that easy. We know so little about him, and I can’t find the right angle to explore him. Also, Owen isn’t my fave, but I can make do.

[readfelice-blog]

moominland chronicles fünfzehn: felice vs the german health care system

Hello you, 

It’s 4am on Friday morning, I’m lying in bed with one of my 3 flowered ikea lamps burning away, holding my cuddly pig tight to my chest whilst I tap out this blog on my iphone, balanced on a pillow.

I cant sleep.

I’m going to get a taxi to hospital in 5 hours.

Before we start all that please administer any of the below music to yourself as an accompaniment, I’ve been dipping my toes into the clear water of pop shoals this week, I might be the last person to have listened to blond (an article in vice insisted upon me lining it up on my google play - still no cd player, I know):

Frank ocean

Nikes (song, always a fan of a big opener on an album)

https://vimeo.com/179791907?ref=em-share

Blond (album, yes you've probably heard it already)

https://www.discogs.com/Frank-Ocean-Blond/master/1046042

I'm also late on the train for Mitski I’m sure, but the words, restrain in her voice and divergent harmonies (discordant, is that better?) are searing through me, might listen again in the hospital tomorrow.

Though perhaps as she grows older she wont long for that kiss quite as much as she does now, because prince charming will never save her really (though she does acknowledge that from time to time on this album)

Mitski

A horse named cold air (song)

https://youtu.be/ce3m-o1pZqY

Be the cowboy (Album)

https://mitski.bandcamp.com/album/be-the-cowboy

And just this one song, which kind of speaks frankly from my heart a little, or at least I sympathise with, though in a fuller sense my situation is very different and it’s only my little brain that identifies with the lyrics.

SZA: the weekend

https://youtu.be/PALMMqZLAQk

So then.. youre suited and booted musically, lets press on shall we? After all I mentioned hospital, it would be cruel just to taper off now.

Heres my small brain again:

Fuck the fucking german health system, fuck all those uptight bigoted cunts that put the phone down on me this week, fuck my insurance for charging me since july and slyly adding it to my bill, fuck the man at the tk queue yesterday who aggressively shouted at me for talking on the phone with my sister, about my illness, at the first opportunity that day after a very strange experience with the gynaecologist.

Ok, 

I’m breathing, my small brain is retracting, lets continue a bit less aggressively now.

Health health health, we’re jumping back on the theme from last week, because sometimes illness doesn't go away, and as this blog is my warts and all document of the weird happenings of my life, I am going to be very very open about whats happening to me this week.

So I’m bleeding, like all pre menopausal women do who dont take contraception that inhibits it, thats what was happening in Paris, thats what has been happening for 3 weeks.

I’ve been bleeding for 3 weeks, yes.

I had really bad period pains last time round, which is unusual for me these days, I took buscopan plus, i soldiered on, then it stopped for a week, then it returned, light some days, heavier seemingly at the weekends. I pigheadedly pushed through physically exhausting weeks of cleaning, travelling, working, I’m a freelance cleaner, I don't get sick pay or holiday pay, I have to work or I can't pay rent.

I wrote a blog about it last weekend. But that was just before the blood clots starting coming, when the first one fell out it plopped in the toilet, I was so shocked I fished it out and curiously studied it (warts and all, I’m sick of skirting the weirdness in my life: its there: get used to it). I thought it was a dead baby, it was monstrous and displayed a horrid kind of plasticity as it eerily shifted round the jar in my hand I was gently coercing. It was an alien, more like rosemary's baby than my cherub cheeked nephew.

That was MONDAY.

I thought, ok the babies fallen out, now it’ll surely stop.

On sunday the bear got in touch, he'd been trying to phone, he was annoyed he couldn't get in contact, he was horny. I told him I was still bleeding, he insisted I go to the doctors, in his very forthright way, he sent me money to go even: because i was clueless about my insurance at that point. I knew i’d been getting letters I couldn't read from tk (die teckniker, german health insurance provider)  for months, since I stopped working at the hostel, but I’d just carefully ignored them.

I didn't have the money to pay for health insurance.

I botched my first attempt to see a gynaecologist, I made an appointment online but the transfer the bear made was not in my bank so he asked me to phone them and check payment methods. When I did the receptionist point blank refused to speak English to me, my quandary was simply, “Do I need cash today?” But she was haughty and unsympathetic, another colleague took the phone, who even through garbled understanding felt kinder but it soon transpired that my appointment was for November 1st not October 1st.

“Im very ill i dont think I can wait that long.”

I phoned Meoclinic to be told by a woman with razors in her voice who suddenly became sickeningly sweet after she’d told me it was €400 just to see someone. I felt like the pleasure she was deriving from me tripping over my words and despairingly saying that was to much money for me, was enough for her to take home and masturbate over later, in her silky agent provocateur corset, on silk sheets, with a flute of champagne on the bedside table.

I gave up for the day and decided that tomorrow I’d go to the doctors I went to for my sti test a few months ago, they were very nice. They spoke english, they had open appointments the next day at 18h.

TUESDAY

More clots started coming, big, gloopy, just pouring out of me, they were announced by a tirade of blood, I was soaking through organic pads at an alarming rate.

So that wasn't the baby on Monday then.

I went to clean first, I cant afford to not clean for reasons stated above, at an office where the woman who employs me talks to me through gritted teeth as if our every interaction is painful to her.

Lowly pauper girl, know your place.

Anyway due to logistical issues she had probably not envisaged, I didn't do the whole job and left early. I walked out on to the money lined streets of Uhlandstrasse, Cara Delevine’s svelte androgynous eyes staring out at me from various glass paned monoliths, and sat on a moth eaten bench, very upset from the shift, feeling utterly worthless, responsible and at fault, bleeding.

Then I had a cigarette, collected myself and went to tk: Round 1.

I waited, gushing out blood, in line for 25 minutes to see the receptionist, then a further 10/15 to see the sales girl. I dont have to pay them straight away but when november comes I will have to pay them 720+€ , plus from then on 180€ a month, from an average wage of 800€.

In retrospect I was probably fully within my right to protest starting the contract from July 1st, but I was so grateful for someone health related to be talking to me in English and perhaps it will stand in my favour now the hospital bills will be tallying up.

I left with no card or proof of insurance.

I went home, lay down, then showered, laced my trainers and went back into the world depleted, to Mehringdam to see the emergency doctors, it was raining heavily outside.

They were different this time, I had no proof of insurance but I had the bears money so I was paying cash, I waited dutifully and wrote in my diary.

It was a different female doctor, a more boxy and less vital woman than the previous medic I’d met at the same clinic. About halfway into my bloody tale of woe she stopped me panic stricken.

“You know this is a doctors surgery, you have to go to a gynaecologist.”

“Ok, so you cant help me.” - i start putting my coat back on.

A pause.

“Can you at least refer me to one? I’ve had a hard time trying to find a gynaecologist, I can't really speak German, people have been very rude to me so far, I came back here because I remember people were kind and tried to help me, even though I wasn't sure it was the right place.”

We go out to reception where I stand in front of 2 receptionists who speak in German and totally ignore me, the doctor hands me some measly bits of paper with contact details printed on them and hurries away. Shaken from my bloody tale of woe I imagine she just sits in her office for 10 minutes alone obsessively sterilising her hands and shuddering.

I continue to look at the 2 women in front of me who carry on as if I am invisible for a further 5 minutes, I tell them I’m going to the toilet and then coming back, they brush me off. More blood pours out of me. I return and finally they allow me to pay them, I plod back out into the rain and miserably wait for a bus, head home via the shops and climb back into bed.

WEDNESDAY

Is a national holiday, so I can't sort anything, my client offers me the day off, I take it. I make 9 drawings for my project, bounce the rough edit of the album I’m working on, pull myself to the dance studio I’ve started to rent to practise my live show. Have a long overdue singsong, though I can't really dance i can still sing.

Sunday edit: I’ve since missed 2 bookings at the studio because of this infernal bleeding, hope I can go back soon, it was utterly riveting to finally find a place I could sing as loudly as I wanted.

It's a glorious day even though blood still rains, I’m not cleaning, I’m doing what i really want to do.

THURSDAY

I need to be at my clients early, but I go via the apotheke on the way, there a pharmacist advises me on the best way to take iron and vitamin supplements, sells me ibuprofen and alerts me to the gynaecologist upstairs, but she’s only open till 13h, my job is supposed to finish at that time.

I hum and haa as I hobble to my clients and when I get there decide to finish the job early and see if I can get an appointment.

On the way into the building there's a system of doors, I enter alongside an elderly gentleman with a walking stick and we have quite the time not understanding each other, me holding doors for him, him very jovially propping them open with his stick. I have no idea what’s being said but something tender and wonderful is occurring between us that puts a lightness back in my step.

This reception is slick and clean, the receptionist is neat and elegant. But the doctor isn’t there. They wouldn’t accept my tk insurance anyway, they’re going on holiday till November.

Ok,

I leave and just flop down on the street outside, I’m supposed to be doing a double clean today but I have a 2 hour window before my next job, which is only a 15 minute walk away. I’m getting closer to seeing someone. Still crouched down on the street, still bleeding, I dig out the contacts handed to me, one is for a doctors I’ve called before. I call 2 numbers from the 4 sheets I have, both go through to hard voiced women who utterly refuse to attempt to speak English to me and relish the goodbyes they bestow before they coldly put the phone down. To the second one I say in English:

“I’m really sick, but if I don’t speak German I am just going to continue to be sick, is that what you’re telling me?”

I found a list on google, theres a male gynaecologist just up the road, a man rummaging in my lady bits is a bit disconcerting but truly I’m beyond pride now.

This reception is more modest, I place my cleaning bucket on the floor and then just start with

“I’m losing a lot of blood, can you please help me.”

He’s in.

These receptionists are gorgeous humans, they speak to me in broken English, they’re shocked I’ve been bleeding for 3 weeks, yes he will see me, please take a seat.

He’s a big warm man with no sexual energy, I tell him everything, I feel so grateful just to be able to see him that I’m bowing as I say thank you. I get sent to a little room, remove my trousers and knickers, get let into another room, climb on the chair, he inserts the spy camera dildo (ultrasound) device inside me, then on the screen we look at a ball like thing inside my womb.

Hes glowing when he tells me its probably a very early pregnancy, he’s so excited, though it’ll most likely be a miscarriage, but he paints a future where my little fetus determinedly survives the bloodletting and in 9 months time arrives in my life.

I cover everything in blood, which freaks him out.  

“You’re really bleeding a lot.”

He gives me the ultrasound photo, then after some confusion I go to the nurses and deposit a urine sample on the counter of another room.

“Thank you so much for seeing me.”

“Of course: you have been bleeding for 3 weeks.”

As I wait in the reception for the test results a new future, inconceivable before this point, rolls out before me, where I have the baby and take the government stipend to look after it as a single mother, I thought I didn’t want kids but something seems so precious about this vision. It’ll just be me and my little ball of love, together in some warm cosy flat in Prenzlauer Berg, surrounded by all the other Berlin mothers.

The test is negative, a jolt of dismay passes through me, the vision is shattered, I have to go to the hospital he says. They give me the bill, without proof of insurance I pay in cash, thanking the bear silently. He also tells me to go to my insurance and get a letter, because the hospital will really cost a lot.

So I go home, breathe and collect myself, go back out. Spend over an hour wandering around looking for a photo kiosk for my insurance card (not blind> I’m using google maps to try locate one), finally I find it nestled into a dark part of the s bahn station, it costs double what the machine costs but I just eat the charge, earlier I’d spend 30 minutes wandering around the crossroads outside Leopaldplatz: the fotofix on the map was apparently invisible, I need a picture. I then wait for another 30 minutes to have my photo taken.

When I get to the u bahn where tk is there is a fotofix booth right there, to my left as I walk out of the station, I really hold myself back from screaming and kicking over all the chairs arranged outside the cafe before me. I finally manage to call my sister and it's a glorious funny loving chat, cut short by the aforementioned man in the tk queue.

I tell him in english which he insists he doesn't understand, that I am having the day from hell and that was the first time I’ve managed to speak to that person, he abuses me again in German but then stands very far away from me, the shame weaving around him, I curse him, but its a little thing, just that I hope he gets eaten by spider babies.

Don’t take yourself too seriously.

I retrieve my letter from the receptionist, the same sales woman I spoke to on Tuesday who doesn’t recognise me at all.

It’s getting late in the day, I call back my sister and head to Charite Campus Mitte, as I get there it dawns on me this is where I was an extra on an art video shoot around 3 weeks ago.

There is no discernable entrance, it seems mostly deserted. I travel up in a lift towards the gynakolgie department, but when I exit the skybent box that is my vehicle there is no clear signage towards it, just a door to an emergency exit staircase, wind billowing behind it, with a note in fluoro yellow fixed on its metallic facade and a bridge / corridor leading to empty waiting rooms.

I give up, decide I’ll go to the address given to me by the doctors tomorrow. I’ll go home and sleep now.

Home, I eat then I crash, I get into bed at 19h, I’m still here its now 6am and I’ll try sleep a bit more before I get a taxi at 9am.

I’m scared

It’s like some sick version of the night before christmas, black humour and absurdity have been welcome companions but armour fades in bed, so writing this in the knowledge I will share it with the online community has been the only thing I can do to douse the fear.

I’ll probably have to beg receptionists later but I just hope I get to someone who can start to mend me, because the blood is still coming, for the first time since it started it stained my sheets last night but I’ve wiped them down a little.

Sunday edit: the sheets are now in the wash.

Saturday edit: they did see me, I’m having an operation on monday at 9:30, the saga continues because I have to rush back to the gynaecologists first on monday to get a note so I can be operated on : as by the time I got out of hospital on friday the gynaecologists surgery was closed and nothing is open on the weekends.

And on the anaesthetists form where it asked me who would be collecting me or looking after me for 24 hours after the procedure I stubbornly wrote noone. Though my mentor will be around as I swallowed my pride and asked her.

And, of course, I just expect more bullshit: that was my dads very astute advice:

“Expect more bullshit Felice.”

So then, yes I should speak German, yes I should of sorted my insurance, yes I’ve been irresponsible.

Saturday edit: I’ve been utterly irresponsible and disrespectful to the country I live in, I MUST learn German and make more of an effort to learn their culture, right now I’m truly an idiot abroad.

I might cancel all my jobs next week as well if I’m really sick, I might not be able to go to Krakow and watch Eartheater,

Saturday edit: All my jobs are cancelled, one of the days next week is my birthday, which I’d scheduled a double clean on so perhaps it’s not all bad.

But I’m not going to see Eartheater, if you’ve heard irisiri though ( LISTEN TO IT, I IMPLORE YOU, MORE THAN ONCE, on the first listen it’s quite harsh: https://alexdrewchin.bandcamp.com/releases) then you’ll immediately understand that not going to her show because I’m having my uterus forcibly wedged open and something cut out of it, is utterly appropriate, it’s like missing formula one because you got hit by a ferrari.

I hope I’ll be better by turin.

Saturday edit: very much.

I will still finish this project whatever happens.

Saturday edit: Now I have a week off it should help.

But I’m not 100% sure how I will make ends meet this month.

Saturday edit: Perhaps the polyp they cut out of me on monday is really an alien and I get paid hush money not to leak the story to the press.

I really miss the nhs, its a big soft Pugsy bear I just want to hug and hold and thank for everything it’s done for me over the years.

The german health system is an amalgamation of all these callous female receptionists, ignoring you and filing their niles whilst you just bleed out in front of them.

But still, I’m stubborn, its a test and i will overcome it whatever it is. I am not leaving berlin, I am standing taller, stronger and more powerful than before. I’ve experienced completely new angles and feelings this week, it’s been abhorrent but kind of sickly enjoyable as well. Life is always entertaining as it energetically throws its bounty of strangeness, cruelty and beauty (etc) at you.

It’s all good fun, even the dark days.

I’m going to try get a bit of shut eye now, might move my alarm back a little see if I can get 2 hours before i wake up to get a taxi.

Take care everyone, if you made it to the end then I guess thank you for reading as well, it’s a long fraught one this week eh?

[fadingpersoncollectorstuff-blog]

Holly Colorado Cheap car insurance quotes zip 81047

"Holly Colorado Cheap car insurance quotes zip 81047

Holly Colorado Cheap car insurance quotes zip 81047

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Holly Colorado Cheap car insurance quotes zip 81047

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In the uk

How to Get Cheap Car Insurance in NJ for Young Drivers?

Last week I bought my first car.But one thing that I didn't do was to check my car insurance premiums.I did it yesterday and I was amazed how expensive is that.I'll have to pay more than $300mo.Is is normal?Why my car insurance is so expensive.First thing they told me was that I need to pay more, because I'm young driver.Yes I'm under 25 years old.I'm from NJ.Can you please tell me how to get cheap car insurance in NJ for young drivers?Also any tips to help me to reduce this price...I'm ok with my car but I feel it won't be possible for me to pay so much for car insurance.I need cheaper insurance plan.""

Will court ask for insurance with guilty plea?

My fiancee just got a ticket. She just recently lost her insurance so she had none at the time she was pulled over. If she goes into court and pleads guilty will the court check to see if she had insurance or not? I live in California.

Life insurance policy on live in boyfriend?

my boyfriend and i have lived together for 7 years and have a daughter together. he is alot older and if something happens i get scared of what would happen to me and the kids. ive already talked to him and he agrees that i should get a life insurance policy on him. just in case. is this possible? and can u reccomend anywhere i could get one? thanx

How much does Dental Insurance Cost in Chicago Illinois. ?

What type of insurance? What insurance provider? My teeth are in pretty good shape, my wisdom teeth are gone and i don't need braces. I want a policy that covers me for the basics like checkups / cleaning / cavities. I would like it to be able to see the dentist near me and have 80% or better covered by insurance. Where should i go? Thanks in advance.""

Health Insurance question for California?

Is there a state program for minors(age 16) of low income?

Should an insurance company give you what your car is worth or how much it would take to replacement it?

The insurance adjuster (my car is totaled) says that he is only obligated to give me what my car is worth and he determined that figure was determined by taking a random 30 cars and averaging their prices -- not considering some have been wrecked, etc. My car was in great shape with some extras. Also, should the money awarded include what taxes will cost on my next vehicle as well?""

Teen Car Insurance.?

I am 17, and about 5 days ago I finally got my license. So now my parents are trying to look for insurance. I have to pay it, soo seeing as I only get paid minimum wage, does anyone know the cheapest deal for insurance when it comes to teenagers?? What I mean is like what company etc.""

The world of car insurance?

the idea that dropping the price of car insurance for men a small amount and increasing the female amount a huge hike has nothing to do with gender that's the con it's the absolute greed of government and big business hand in hand raking in a fortune as they did when changing the  s p to the criminal decimal currency? the question is why do we Joe public put up with this crap

What does this dental insurance code mean?

The code is 42560 and it's by the insurance company equitable life insurance company of Canada . So what does this dental insurance code mean? How much will they cover for the gum graft? It's only one tooth that I need to have done for 600$. It's medical not cosmetic.

""How do I get a low insurance rate (18, first time driving)...?""

I'm getting online quotes with basic basic insurance... I think the lowest quote I got was $366/mo, which is bs, the car is only worth $900? Should I call and tell them that? There's no way I'm paying that much in insurance for a car that's worth that little. Can I be put on the people's insurance in whom which I live? They're not relatives. And then just pay them the amount they're insurance increases to?""

Cheapest car insurance in nj?

Cheapest car insurance in nj?

How much is teen auto insurance?

i normally have bs and as and rarely cs for school. About how much would auto insurance be?

For car insurance is the higher the insurance group the more the insurance costs?

For car insurance is the higher the insurance group the more the insurance costs?

Dental Insurance question?

On my dental insurance card, I have a primary care dentist listed on it. Does this mean that I must go to this dentist in order to have the insurance pay for my appointments or can I go to any dentist that accepts my insurance without having to switch my primary care dentist and still receive the insurance benefits? Will the insurance cover less if I don't go to the primary care dentist? Thanks!""

Would it be better for our government to give everyone health insurance or?

Produce more health care resources by increasing funding for medical schools and work to flood the market in health care services thus making it more affordable for everyone?

Will adding a person to my car insurance (progressive direct) make it go up? by how much?

i want to add my wife and she's 24

Does it matter how old your vehicle is to get full coverage insurance in oklahoma?

1996 chevy cheyenne

How much will my Car insurance go up?

I hit a car in Los Angeles and I have State Farm. The guy I hit drives a range rover and all I did was scratch his driver's side door. The body shop wants $1200 to repaint the door, which I think is insane. I would pay cash, but $1200 is a lot of money. Does State Farm have accident forgiveness, or will my premium go up if I claim this on my insurance?""

Does your Drivers Ed grade effect insurance?

I know that taking Drivers Education can give you a discount on insurance. However, in the class, we take tests and are assigned homework. We need a 65 to pass. If I get a 70 does this effect the discount I could recieve on insurance compared to say a 90 average? State: New York""

What company has the cheapest basic auto insurance for Atlanta Georgia drivers?

Shopping for auto insurance for Atlanta Georgia. I'm looking for the lowest rate for basic coverage.

Holly Colorado Cheap car insurance quotes zip 81047

Holly Colorado Cheap car insurance quotes zip 81047

Is it possible to get affordable life insurance and dental insurance if i am not employed?

.........and if so, roughly how much money would this cost per month?""

Can I cancel my obamacare insurance at anytime?

I plan on getting covered through my job, but that is after the Obamacare deadline. Can I apply for obamacare insurance now and cancel at anytime later. When and how can I cancel. The stupid site doesn't say an the crappy phone line is busy and just hangs up on you instead of having you wait (probably because the wait times are embarrassingly long.)""

How does a teen pay for car insurance?

I am 18 years old, and I plan on getting my driver's license, and in order to drive, you must have car insurance, of course. I also plan on going to college and I will be commuting from home to my classes. However, I plan on taking the bus to campus rather than driving all the time to class. So, my question is, since I won't driving often, just occasionally, how should I pay for car insurance, given the fact that car insurance is more expensive for young people and I will be a student and most likely won't be earning much. I also have to keep in mind for other car related things such as gas and maintenance. If you are or have been in a similar situation I would love to get some insight from you on how you have managed to handle this circumstance. Thank you.""

I'm looking for free car insurance quotes?

As I'm a new driver, my parents told me to seek on the internet for insurances quotes, to help me handle my own things. So yeah i'm looking for websites that offer free car insurances quotes.""

Car insurance in minnesota?

(my parents car has insurance but my names not on the card does it need to be for me to drive it)

My insurance is too high?

I'm 19, in ireland (south) i pay 300 a month and i just changed address to the next county, my ins. has gone up to 450 a month.. Is there a speed restrictor policy i can get or has any1 my age managed to lower insurance somehow? My engine size is 1.2 also is that too high for my age? Thanx in advance ;)""

How much does the average person pay for health and dental insurance monthly?

How much does the average person pay for health and dental insurance monthly?

Cheapest london minicabs/private hire insurance ?

I AM LOOKING FULLY COMP PAY MONTHLY INSURANCE THANKS ALL

How much does insurance usually pay off if your car is deemed totaled?

Ok, so, my car incurred some damage due to the recent flood waters of hurricane Ike. A person from Safe Auto insurance company is coming out tomorrow to assess the damage. When we spoke to him over the phone, he said it sounded like our car would end up being deemed totaled. There is still amount owed on the car. If we were to pay it off tomorrow it would be $3100. The value on the car varies from tprivate party value in good condition being $3900 to retail value being $5600 in our area. We have a $500 deductible. Now, if the car is infact totaled, how does the insurance pay out?""

What are 3 reasons why insurance rates are higher for driver's under the age of 25?

What are 3 reasons why insurance rates are higher for driver's under the age of 25?

DMV paying ticket/showing proof of insurance?

I'm In California I received a traffic ticket and did not have my proof of insurance with me. I received my courtesy notice and my amount owed Would be 1000 without my insurance proof. It will obviously be reduced significantly if I show my proof of insurance. I know that you can pay traffic tickets at the DMV. And I want to pay the ticket In payments. So here comes my question- can I go to the DMV and show THEM (the Court Clerk stationed there) my correction (proof of insurance) instead of having to go all the way to the court house? And can I ask for a payment plan there as well? Or can I ONLY show my Correction(Proof of Insurance) and ask for a payment plan at the court house? My first ticket :| And the court house is pretty far from where I live. DMV is right around the corner. That's why I ask :P Thanks

Can you explain to me how health insurance works?

So I'm looking to buy a good health insurance that cover women's exams, such as breasts, and other parts of the body. And I'm married to my husband so we need insurance for the both of us. Is it better to pay high amount first and then make low payment on it? Can you explain this to me? Thanks.""

How much does a person need to pay per month for car insurance?

How much does a person need to pay per month for car insurance?

Which car would be cheaper for me to insure?

Would it be cheap for me to insure myself on my mum's insurance (her being the main driver) on a renault megane 1.5 or to buy my own car and insure it (Vauxhall corsa 1.2)? Thanks

Two-thirds of one months insurance coverage has expired?

I need accounting homework help! I'm stumped. Two-thirds of one months insurance coverage has expired? 2500 premium for 12 months. Please!

Why do sompanies like State Farm require you to pass a credit check?

What are they looking for because I do have a few things like a medical bill here and there but nothing more than 5,000 total""

Insurance doesn't pay or wanna fix my car?

a drunk guy hit my parked car and he had a suspended license and the car is under his girlfriend's name. Now the insurance says it cant do anything because its under the girlfriend's name. now i dont know what to do

Do I have to pay 30 in advance on my car insurance?

I live in Florida and my car insurance says I have to pay 30 days in advance. Is this true? Does anyone know the statute?

I need cheap motorcycle insurance. Cant afford the ridiculous $1500 insurance for a $3000 bike.?

And I need full coverage. Any idea? I'm getting the new 2008 ninja. I'm an experienced rider, but I have no record of motorcycling at all. I used to ride in my country. But here, nope. no record. All i can do to reduce my insurance cost is take the MSF course. Dont even have an american driver's/motorcycler's license yet.""

How much would insurance be on a 2005 Maserati Quattroporte for a 19 year old?

Clean driving record, driving for 3 years. Dads buying it but insurance will probably be mostly me, curious as to how much it would actually be?""

Automobile insurance cost increase?

My car is 10 years old with 100,000 miles it was paid off about 6 months ago. My insurance does nothing but keep going up what should I do?""

Who has the cheapest motorcycle insurance for young people?

im looking for the who has the cheapest motorcycle insurance for young people

What's the average insurance cost of a 17 year old just strating to drive?

1.) In a 1.0 engine car 2.) In a 1.5 engine car 2.) In a 2.0 engine car

How much is car insurance?

im 16 and live in ny and i want to get a car.my mom said she would get me a car but car insurance would be too high.what would the cheapest company to use be for a teen driver?what would the price be?shes saying 3k a month for insurance.

Is auto insurance less expensive in Colorado Springs than California?

I am looking to relocate from Los Angeles to Colorado Springs and just wondering if insurance over in Colorado Springs are less expensive. I mean for liability or full coverage..

Holly Colorado Cheap car insurance quotes zip 81047

Holly Colorado Cheap car insurance quotes zip 81047

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/teen-motorcycle-insurance-ontario-douglas-knight/"

[awesomeblockchain]

Ethereum (ETH) has experienced a 20% jump this week, returning to prices last seen in early March. The market cap now stands at US$77.51 billion, with exchange-traded volume of US$1.94 billion in the past 24 hours. Transactions per day have also begun to increase, after sliding to less than half of the record high seen in December. The average transaction fee has also risen slightly.

The network value to estimated on-chain daily transactions (NVT) ratio remains elevated when compared to the previous twelve months. A clear downtrend in NVT suggests a coin is undervalued for its utility and should be seen as a bullish indicator for price.

Hash rate and difficulty increases began to slow slightly in April. This is likely due to the dramatic decrease in mining profitability recently. ETH Proof of Work (PoW) mining will eventually become entirely unprofitable and impossible through the Casper Proof of Stake (PoS) transition.

In October 2017, the Metropolis hard fork protocol changes decreased the ETH block reward to 3 ETH from 5 ETH, with the difficulty lowered accordingly to maintain near the same mining profitability. Bitmain, a prominent ASIC developer, recently announced a batch of Ethash miners, priced at US$800 each and set to ship in mid-July. The company explicitly states that no refunds will be given for the order.

According to coinschedule.com, Initial Coin Offering (ICO) raises have slowed significantly since April. Nonetheless, just five months into 2018 the total amount of funds raised in ICOs has surpassed the 2017 total by more than US$2.88 billion. The ballooning total was largely due to the Telegram ICO. After raising US$1.7 billion privately, Telegram has decided against moving forward with a public ICO.

The Telegram cancellation comes in the setting of increased regulatory scrutiny. This week, the US Commodity Futures Trading Commission (CFTC) and the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) will discuss cryptocurrency regulatory classification, and specifically ETH. In an interview with The New York Times, ex-CFTC chairman Gary Gensler said there is a -strong case" that ETH is a noncompliant security, which usually comes with heavy financial penalties and jail time.

A response, led by Andreessen Horowitz and Union Square Ventures, asked the SEC for safe harbor from securities law, suggesting that the law does not apply to ETH due to its decentralized nature. Current SEC chair Jay Clayton has already said, "I believe that every ICO I have seen is a security," and has implied that ETH is not a security, although ETH did have a token sale of its own in 2014. Joseph Lubin, co-founder of Ethereum, has said he's -extremely comfortable" that ETH is not a security.

In a poignant commentary on the state of ICOs, Michael Flaxman argues that they have several common goals; cleverly navigating government regulations, increasing access to liquidity, connecting investors to startups, and profit-sharing with investors. He posits that they fall short due to lack of investor protections, misaligned incentives, and an inability to understand complex navigations.

Despite the regulatory and community concerns surrounding ICOs, the municipal bond ICO, or initial community offering, has begun to emerge as a funding vehicle. The concept couples muni bonds with tokenization on the blockchain. The first project, approved in Berkeley, is a micro bond sale for a US$3 million seven-year note to pay for a new fire engine. Other muni bond ICOs are also in the works around the US.

According to dappradar.com, the top decentralized applications (dApps) by volume over the past week have been decentralized exchanges, IDEX, ForkDelta, and Bancor. Decentralized exchanges help mitigate custodial and regulatory risk, but often lack the liquidity most traders have come to expect while using centralized exchanges.

IDEX has become so popular that the exchange has had difficulty keeping up with demand and has responded by deploying patches, increasing hardware infrastructure, and hiring additional engineers. Compared to December, CryptoKitties mania has waned substantially.

ETH exchange traded volume in the past 24 hours is predominantly led by the Bitcoin (BTC), Tether (USDT), and U.S. Dollar (USD) pairs. The majority of trading occurring on Bitfinex, OKEX, Huobi, GDAX, and Binance. In Asia, the KRW trading pair holds a 3.3% premium, JPY volume as a percentage is down from the prior week, and CNY volume negligible.

The Over The Counter (OTC) exchange LocalEthereum, available in 100+ countries, averaged less than ~200ETH per day in transaction volume over the past week, according to dappradar. In comparison, LocalBitcoins averaged 7,549 BTC worldwide in the past week, according to coin.dance. Traditional OTC desks often require a minimum order of between US$100,000 and US$250,000, whereas these peer-to-peer marketplaces have no minimum order size.

ETH has risen quickly from the previous consolidation zone, suggesting heavy ongoing buyer interest. The status of this trend can be determined using Exponential Moving Averages (EMA) and the Ichimoku Cloud indicator. Further background information on the technical analysis discussed below can be found here.

On the daily chart, a bullish EMA recross, or Golden Cross, has occurred relatively quickly after a bearish cross. In general, EMA crosses can heavily lag market movements, making and entries based on the crosses alone suboptimal. However, the bull cross does give credence to a resuming bullish trend. Open interest on Bitfinex is currently net long by a 2:1 margin (top panel, chart below).

The Ichimoku Cloud uses four metrics to determine if a trend exists; the current price in relation to the Cloud, the color of the Cloud (red for bearish, green for bullish), the Tenkan (T) and Kijun (K) cross, and the Lagging Span. The best entry always occurs when most of the signals flip from bearish to bullish, or vice versa.

The status of the current Cloud metrics on the weekly time frame with singled settings (10/30/60/30) for quicker signals are mixed; price is above Cloud, TK cross is bearish, Cloud is flipping bearish but is currently bullish, and Lagging Span is bullish. A long re-entry would occur if TK and Cloud recross bullishly.

The status of the current Cloud metrics on the daily time frame with singled settings (10/30/60/30) for quicker signals are bullish; price is above Cloud, Cloud is bullish, the TK cross is bullish, and the Lagging Span is below Cloud but above price.

A traditional long entry signal occurred with the break above Cloud, known as a Kumo breakout. However, price currently sits far above the Kijun, suggesting price has risen quickly without a significant pullback to the mean. The most conservative long entry would occur at a support test of the Kijun, known as a Kijun Bounce. Fibonacci extensions suggest a long term price target of US$2,000.

The status of the current Cloud metrics on the daily time frame with doubled settings (20/60/120/30) for more accurate signals is mixed; price is in Cloud, Cloud is bearish, TK cross recently flipped bullish (yellow arrow), and the Lagging Span is below Cloud but above price.

Again, a traditional Cloud long entry signal will not occur until price is above Cloud with volume. The flat Kumo at ~US$890 represents a 50% retracement from the all time high in December to the recent low in April and should act as a magnet for price.

The Edge-to-Edge long trade, which was triggered when price broke Cloud resistance and TK crossed bullishly, remains active with a target of ~US$890. Price has pulled back on an RSI bearish divergence, which suggested waning bullish momentum, and will likely consolidate at the current level before moving higher.

On the ETH/BTC pair, Cloud signals have all recently flipped bullish (not shown). The pair remains in a multi-year bullish pattern with a potential upside of 0.5BTC. The mean of the trend (yellow) has held as support or resistance several times since 2016. Currently, a return to mean would bring the ratio to 0.2BTC

Regulatory clarity from US governing bodies is sorely needed in an environment full of questionable ICO tactics. The SEC has yet to crack down on any exchange for listing unlicensed securities in the form of an ICO. Doing so would be the quickest and most efficient way of making sure existing exchanges and ICOs fall in line. Often times, the most important step for the success of any ICO is being listed on a secondary market, even if the ICO is still active.

It is entirely possible ETH was a security in the ICO stage but is not any longer. If this is the case, the Ethereum Foundation may be fined for selling unlicensed securities, which they can easily pay. The decision from the SEC and CFTC working group, on how and what to regulate, may cause vast turmoil in the markets initially, especially erc20 tokens, with very little long-term impact to legitimate projects. Never waste a good crisis.

Technicals strongly support evidence of a nascent bull trend. A near term target of US$890, after consolidation in the current zone, remains highly likely. Over the next few months, a target of US$2,000 is possible based on the 1.618 fib extension from the all time high to April low. If the market decides the regulatory news is bearish, a panic wick between US$600-$700 is possible based on technicals.

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