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romancevsreality-blog · 7 years

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vanderpump rules, season six, episode five: oh, silk handerchief dresses, you died before you could really live.

This episode begins with syllabic noises being uttered over a musical beat, and we’re at Katie and Tom’s apartment, where Sandoval is briefing Jax on the shenanigans of the evening thus far. He’s drinking a Miller Lite, and Schwartz comes in, looking as disheveled as ever. Like, his boyish charm is wearing off quickly, and having a shirt unbuttoned one too many. As soon as Katie comes in, she dismisses the fuck out of Jax, who leaves on his motorized cooler.

I repeat: a motorized. Cooler.

THIS MAN IS 457 YEARS OLD, I’m shocked it took him this long to get on a motorized anything. Like, honestly, I’m not even going to make comment on it being a beer cooler on wheels because that’s far too obvious, but Jax could have spent this on his retirement money. Priorities, Jax. Priorities. Katie tells Tom he needs to cut the incessant drinking to the point of blacking out right then and there, and he’s like, “No, you can’t tell me shit.” She actually asked him to do something that would keep him from cheating on her and he said no. He acknowledged that his drinking caused him to do behaviors he never would sober, but he can’t bring himself to stop it, even if his relationship had to suffer because of it. Katie’s right to point out how fucked up that is and storms out of the room and I’m REALLY MAD because you all know how much I hate being on Katie’s side in anything, ever.

Oh, I guess we get the rest of that musical cue because it goes like I WON’T BACK DOWN, I’LL RISE TO THE TOP, RISE, RISE TO THE TOP. Good to get some kind of closure on that, I guess.

We’re at Sexy Unique Restaurant, where Brittany and Jax have arrived together, and Lala’s there for her first day back. Lisa enters the restuarant and immediately is like, “Lala, it’s your last chance,” because Lisa loves to make everything in this show about her.

Brittany goes to ask Jax for a Strawberrini, which sounds as awful as the hangover it likely induces, and Jax asks her if she still wants to have a housewarming party even though their relationship is on thin ice. Brittany doesn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, but Jax mostly just wants to make sure he can control Brittany’s environments and who she spends time with in order to make sure she sticks around. He’s such a dick, I hate him so much. They’re going to try to have a fun time with their friends. Nothing else.

And that’s when I notice:

ARE THE SILK HANDKERCHIEF UNIFORM DRESSES GONE??????????????????????????

Has the torture finally ended? Katie and Brittany are both wearing black v-neck shirts with gold Sexy Unique Restaurant logos. I think it’s finally occurred. I’m hyperventilating. Katie takes the opportunity to remind us of how awful she is and goes to Lala to ask why she’s talking shit about Katie’s relationship with Tom. And Lala’s like, “Well, Scheana said you were talking shit about my relationship, so I got defensive.” And Classic Katie who loves to blame women for everything doesn’t hold herself accountable for what she said, but instead she gets mad at Scheana for repeat what she said to Lala… and then she apologizes to Lala for saying what she said. Lala tells Katie the entire story of what happened with Tom and her friend and Katie’s upset.

Lala’s the best. Honestly. She could have held this over Katie’s head but as soon as Katie apologized, Lala immediately wanted to tell Katie what she knew and see how Katie was feeling about it all. Some people have issue with Lala’s feminism, but at the end of the day, she really just cares a lot about people in general.

Lisa orders half a glass of rose from Jax at the bar, and Jax pours her an entire glass, because in his 240 years of existence, Jax never once learned what half is, or even how to pour a glass of wine, apparently. Katie sits down with Lisa to talk about what’s going on with Schwartz, and they’re both having second-thoughts. Lisa’s not going to put up with Schwartz’s immature behavior in her business, and she doesn’t think Katie should in her marriage.

The next day, Lisa is wearing her Business Glasses with her pink pussy bow top and Harrison under her arm. She got a ticket and couldn’t charm her way out of it1 and she’s there to compliment Stassi for her job on Guillermo’s party - but that doesn’t mean Stassi’s hit the big time enough to plan a party for Harrison, Lisa’s pomeranian. We wouldn’t want Stassi to get a big head or anything. Stassi tells Lisa about Jax and Brittany’s housewarming for some reason, and they’re both like, “... So are they back together, because they shouldn’t be.” I especially loved when Stassi was like, “I’m anxious and I don’t want to go,” and Lisa was like, “You don’t have to,” and Stassi was like, “Yes I do, I want to watch!” because I am always that girl.

If the likelihood drama is going to go down at your party is high, so is the likelihood I’ll attend. My presence is a present.

Schwartz, Sandoval, and Jax are going to a Paint-and-Sip painting class, and I think it’s funny because Jax used to drink with all the classic painters - Rembrandt, Van Gogh, Da Vinci2 - so this is just something he’s used to. The plan was to have a Hunter S. Thompson-esque day of male debauchery, but that’s turned into a paint and sip class on a Wednesday afternoon where they might do shots. Tom “isn’t drinking” because he doesn’t want to go back to Katie wasted, but that doesn’t stop him from doing a shot of absinthe with the rest of the group.

Okay, admittedly - every Friday for about a year I went to the bar around the corner from my apartment and drank either a beer or a glass of wine along with a shot of tequila. It was my go-to order, and it brought me peace of mind. I’m not completely against the entire concept of shots. But also, it is clearly light enough outside to know it’s the middle of the day and no resepectable adult is taking shots of absinthe at 3:30 in the afternoon, even if it is at a paiting class. Then again, these grown men are painting penises on their painting aprons, so my advice would go in one ear and out the other.

On top of it all, Kristen, Brittany, and Katie are out getting drinks, and they’rea also starting with shots in the middle of the afternoon. Hell, they’re doing what looks like whiskey or Fireball shots. Brittany’s still hopeful that Jax can change on his own despite what her brain is telling her. They go back and forth between Jax and the Toms and Brittany and the Ks’s talking about their respective issues. Jax thinks all Brittany needs is a good dicking down and he’s out of the dog house, Katie wants Tom to stop being Peter Pan, and Tom really thinks this all about what he did, and not the actions that led him to that point. Schwartz won’t admit to doing anytihng, but he can vehemently deny the idea of admitting to doing something because it would be a lie. It makes no sense.

Kristen is so drunk already and she really wants to make sure Katie is okay with Lala being at Brittany’s housewarming party - wait, doesn’t Jax fucking hate Lala? Katie’s okay with Lala being there because Lala isn’t her target anymore - she moved it onto Scheana. Because Katie’s mad that Scheana told Lala about the shit Katie was talking about Lala’s relationship and blurts out that she and Scheana might have more in common than Scheana thinks. Everyone apparently knows that Rob, Scheana’s boyfriend, is making out with other girls. One of the Sexy Unique Restaurant Servers saw Rob making out with another girl at another restaurant and also flat out denying that he even had a girlfriend in the first place.

Oh my god, Scheana’s butt is so flat. Like, I’ve never seen a butt that was both big and flat like hers, it’s so bizarre. Scheana’s in love, though, and she’s preparing for a dinner party with Rob, her dream man2~ Rob has an enormous house in Beverly Hills and Scheana’s having a private chef cook for the two of them and Tom and Ariana3. Tom, Ariana, and Scheana are all looking at Rob like #goals because he’s got this amazing house and a real job that doesn’t have them cleaning up someone’s blood at least 1x a week. Let’s just put it this way - it’s really obvious why Scheana’s interested in Rob. Rob gives a toast that’s going to be put on some fake distressed wood and sold to fifteen year old girls at HomeGoods.

All three of them are salivating over Rob, and Scheana’s letting her I Have A Rich Boyfriend Flag fly. Her thirst is palatable. She makes a dig at Shay and the life they used to have whenever possible and talks about how she and Rob can’t get married for a least a while because she’s still married to someone. She literally has a countdown to her official divorce date.

Considering these two broke up not even five minutes after this episode aired, nothing is surprising.

Back at Katie and Tom’s apartment, he’s brought his painting of Tom Sandoval and lies about drinking within two minutes. Katie tells him that Lisa is pissed at him and he can’t stop joking. He’s not taking any of it seriously, and he’s being a dick. My favorite part of all of is this clearly Tom is doing his self-deprecating under-the-breath thing, and Katie’s just... refusing to engage. She’s holding him accountable for the shit he did when he was drunk and not flying into a rage and thus he looks like an asshole. Which he is, but he’s used to having Bad Gal Katie4 to play off of and be the sympathetic one.

Ariana and Lala are at Sorella, and Ariana’s doing my favorite friend thing wherein which you pull out something tacky and your friend is like “I have that!” It’s happened to me plenty of times. I still laugh at it. Ariana wears a Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century outfit, and I really don’t even udnerstand the kind of aesthetic a person who shops at Sorella is. They talk about the constant cycle of Jax and Brittany - how Jax fucks up, Brittany gets mad, Jax puts on a puppy dog face and winds up rewarded for his bad behavior.

What follows is a great scene between Ariana and Lala, the only two girls I would ever want to mildly associate with on this show. Ariana’s talking about how she’s not interested in any type of sex whatsoever with Tom or anyone else, and a lot of that stems from insecurities from an ex-boyfriend who bodyshamed her5. Men are gross. Lala apparently looks herself in the mirror every single day and thanks each and every part of her body, flaws and all, because you should be thankful and appreciative of what you have. I mean, she’s thankful to her “kitty cat for taking the D like a champ.”

Lala might be this show’s saving grace. She’s so sweet to Ariana in a way that seems genuine.

Katie and Tom bring their dogs, Butter and Gordo6 to Vanderpump Dogs, where Lisa is pretending she works and just so happens to be there. As soon as Tom walks in, she has this face that says I Mean Business and Tom knows he’s in trouble. Basically it’s a chance for Lisa to get some screentime and tell Tom she thinks he’s irresponsible - if he’s getting blackout drunk and cheating on his wife, how is she supposed to trust him with a bar? It’s a reach, but she’s gotta show up one way or another. Tom goes downstairs and expects Katie to feel bad for him but if Lisa’s disappointed, Katie’s definitely disappointed. Tom apologies for upsetting Katie (wrong) and kisses her cheek.

GROW UP TOM. Stop eating Lean Cuisines.

Brittany, Scheana, and Kristen are preparing all kinds of drunken treats for the housewarming party - Jell-O shots, drunken gummy bears, the works. Kristen’s already drunk and sitting on top of the picnic table Brittany and Jax inexplicably decided was a good idea to have in their dining area. Immediately she’s telling Scheana about Rob making out with someone else. Scheana’s immediately skeptical based on the fact that it’s convenient all of this is coming out after two other guys had been accused of doing similar things. She doesn’t buy it because Rob doesn’t even kiss HER.

Oh, Scheana.

Scheana, Scheana, Scheana.

Your boyfriend’s not “not a kisser”, honey. He’s not into you. You’re not going to marry this dude as much as you want to.

The party begins, and James comes with the pair of fake eyelashes on a fuzzy sweater he calls a girlfriend, as well as a cake made up of toilet paper rolls. Lala, meanwhile has brought Patron and wants to celebrate Being Women, something I celebrate evert day. WOMEN ARE GREAT. Again, Lala’s the best.

I love the fact that Katie and Tom, who literally live down the hall, are the last to arrive. I went to a wedding where my date and I were the only people who lived in Brooklyn, where the wedding was, and we were the latest ones. Tom looks discheveled as ever despite pretending he’s an Adult Now, he’s wearing a Mikey Way from My Chemical Romance sweater7. Tom claims he’s done with shots for the time being, which is a lie. Tom’s about to do 100000 shots.

This party would be a disaster with anyone, but with the amount these people drink, they should not be playing Waterfall with shots. Schwartz struggles with not drinking to excess. Oh, hi Peter? We haven’t seen enough Peter this season. Scheana’s literally standing with her phone in front of her face texting Rob about him allegedly making out with another girl and Jax is annoyed by it.

Anyway, everyone is hammered. James and Tom are beatboxing. Jax admits to Carter that he cheated because he wanted the attention, and Jax is like, “I’m finally being HONEST and telling the TRUTH,” and Brittany’s like “why can’t you talk to me?” Lala and Kristen are eavesdropping and Lala wants to rip Jax’s larynx out. Lala is so disturbed by the fact that Jax is yelling at Brittany, and Lala knows that there’s a recording on James’s phone of Jax. Jax saying he’s not going to marry Brittany - ever - and just being a general skeeze.

Because Jax doesn’t deserve any woman, let alone Jax. I love the amount of millenial pink going on in this scene between Lala and Ariana.

Ariana’s wasted and tells Brittany how much she loves her in that really drunken way, but Lala needs Brittany to know what Jax said. Ariana’s so drunk she’s basically crying.

We don’t get to hear the recording, but what’s on it is enough to make Brittany cry... and then seethe. She calls Jax he deserves to rot in hell and it’s literally incredible. Jax thought he was safe.

Next Time: James is back at PUMP! Lisa wants Brittany fired. Tom is pissed at Ariana for taking sides and Ariana’s ready to break up because of it.

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:

I love the horror movie lighting in Jax/Brittany/Katie/Tom’s apartment building. I thought hallways that creepy only existed on Search Party.

I’m so glad Lala got rid of the trashy nails.

I love that Rob Valletta is actually related to Amber Valletta.

There’s really not enough talk about how emotionally abusive Jax is to Brittany.

I don’t know if I’m buying Brand Spanking New Self Aware Katie.

I’m glad that we’re breaking through some of the Cool Girl Ariana facade and realizing she’s just as messy as all of us.

You know I love Lala when I can forgive her having a rat tail.

She did a running stop, something I also once got a ticket for. Lisa Vanderpump and I are the same. ↩︎

Remember when Scheana had sex with Brandi Glanville’s husband and then tried to both claim it was one time but also she and Brandi were in the same boat because they’d both been cheated on? ↩︎ ↩︎

Bless Tom’s heart for bringing over a bottle of champagne. Had he known what Rob’s lifestyle was, I doubt he would have brought over a gift that people are notoriously snobby about. ↩︎

Forgive me for this, Rihanna. ↩︎

I... do not understand the logic of a man who would be like “you have an ugly vagina”. Why do you care? It’s never going to be your problem. Like, do you really think dicks are the most attractive thing on earth? ↩︎

They don’t deserve dogs that cute. ↩︎

Mikey ain’t shit. ↩︎

#vanderpump rules #i was kinda drunk at the end of writing this #whooooooooops #forgive me rihannaaaaaaa

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bulgarianmermaid · 5 years

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There are places you know you will miss from the first moment you set your eyes on them. Those places feel like home without you even having thought of visiting them let alone living there before. Deep into the Caucasus Mountains, where Georgia ends and Russia begins, at the top of Cross Pass outside Gudauri, you can still find high mountain peaks, desolate roads, rugged landscape, and unexplored wilderness that make my heart sing. High up there, where >5000m peaks kiss the bright blue sky and most people lose their breath, that is where I get found. The wilderness speaks directly to my soul, it calls my wild heart, it urges me to explore. It calms me down, I sleep without a single worry, nothing matters and all our “modern” concerns seem like “first world problems”.

The real Georgia in winter is cold and snowy, rough around the edges, wild and untamable, high in altitude and strong in liquor content. Just how I like my destinations (and my men) ❤ A few places in the American West had such a profound effect on me, an effect so strong I didn’t want to leave, let alone go back to the city. The Caucasus Mountains remind me of the San Juans in Southwest Colorado high up Red Mountain Pass from Ouray to Silverton – a place where I camped without a tent at 12000ft elevation and that experience was the best birthday present I could have ever asked for ❤

Gudauri is the largest ski resort in Georgia hidden deep in the Caucasus Mountains on Georgia Military Road almost all the way to the Russian border. Gudauri Ski Resort‘s base is at >2000m, its highest chair lift reaches 3200m, so with a vertical drop top to bottom on a ski run 1200m, it will surely make your legs shake 🙂 All 75km of groomed ski runs in Gudauri sit above tree line facing the sun and grant you the view of a lifetime every single chair ride. In terms of snow conditions, terrain quality, lift services and variety of ski runs, Gudauri can rival any ski resort in the Alps and the Rockies. Gudauri just added 4 new chair lifts this season and opened a whole new valley on the back side (Kobi) to off piste skiing and riding. Yet you can still have the whole resort to yourself and ski right behind the snow cat on empty slopes during the week.

Since I was in Gudauri for 2 weeks with IntotheWild.bg, we could choose what to do each day depending on the conditions and we rode off piste every time we got a foot of new snow. On the days when Ullr didn’t deliver overnight freshies, we basked in the sun and rode soft groomers. Because when you go to the Caucasus Mountains you get equally spoiled by fresh snow and freshly groomed slopes! Gudauri Ski Resort offers 3 valleys with lift serviced terrain for off piste skiing/riding. In addition, there are multiple backcountry and ski touring routes if you are willing to take a hike for an hour or two and earn your turns.

PC: @intothewild.bg

PC: Veselin Dochev

On our days off from skiing (2 in total for two weeks), we checked the Russian baths in Gudauri (Tsar Bani) for an authentic experience at the highest steam baths in the world and took a shuttle to the village of Kazbegi to visit Rooms Hotel for its signature view which overlooks Mt Kazbeg and Gergeti Trinity Church from the balcony. Only later did I find that Mt Kazbeg (>5000m = >16000ft) is a dormant volcano, no wonder I fell in love with it at first sight!

In Gudauri I recommend staying at Quadrum Hotel (under $100 for a double room, breakfast with a view included). Brand new and built only with natural materials in simple and modern Scandinavian style, it offers a spa and swimming pool, as well as daily yoga classes to meet all your post-skiing / hiking needs and soothe your sore muscles. There is a bar and restaurant on site as well where you can grab dinner as you’ll be exhausted after a day of skiing and unwilling to look for a place to eat down the road in town at night.

In Kazbegi Rooms Hotel (over $100 for double room, breakfast with a view included) gets my vote for fantastic design, superb amenities, fusion cuisine and incredible service. You’ll notice there are many cheaper options in Georgia but as with every developing country, you get what you pay for, so be careful how excited you get about a budget room, especially if your budget can accommodate a comfier experience 🙂 Remember to book both hotels well in advance as they usually sell out during the main season.

Considering my obsession with high mountain passes, Georgia Military Road deserves its own blogpost but I’ll try to give it enough attention here before I return to explore it further in summer. Georgia Military Road is one of ONLY 2 passes that connect Georgia with Russia over the Caucasus Mountains. Being a major road artery, the pass is usually well cleaned after a snow storm (or completely closed during one) and is quite busy with semi truck traffic. The highest point is Cross pass (Jvari Pass) right outside Gudauri Ski Resort at 2379m (7815ft). In winter the road works only in one direction in 2 hr intervals as the “tunnels” (actually avalanche barriers) are too narrow for two trucks to pass at the same time. There is a separate lane for summer that allows two way traffic but it is closed in winter as it is too dangerous to drive on that sliver of asphalt on the cliffside with no barriers and vertical drops at most places.

The never ending “tunnels” between Gudauri and Kazbegi are probably the most freakish roads I have ever passed (and to think I was considering hitchhiking there…) There is no light inside, no road markings or directions, the tunnels curve and are very narrow (remember…one way traffic). If I told you there would be light at the end of the tunnel (literally), would you follow me high up in the Caucasus Mountains in the middle of a snow storm, on windy one-lane roads through pitch-black avalanche barriers? And if you did the reward would be one of the greatest views of Mt Kazbeg you’ve ever seen (and a cocktail in the swanky bar at the posh Rooms Hotel Kazbegi)

Georgia may seem far and off the beaten path to the weekend traveler, yet there are multiple flights daily from Europe to Tbilisi and Kutaishi. We opted for budget travel and I’m SO glad we did! The bus-shuttle-plane-taxi experience gave our trip such a good and authentic start. Since we were coming from Bulgaria, we took the bus to Turkey (6hrs overnight from Plovdiv to Istambul in the coldest night of the year), schlepped our luggage from the bus station to the airport with a shuttle (which took another 1.5hrs), then jumped on a flight to Tbilisi (2.5hrs of crammed leg space) and finished our trip with a taxi to Gudauri (add 2 more hours where we were so exhausted the taxi driver could have taken us anywhere and I wouldn’t have cared as long as he let me sleep 🙂

The travel was very oriental and interesting, safe, cheap, and by no means difficult. Culture shock abound for my Western friends every step of the way – squat toilets with no paper at the Bulgarian-Turkish border (yes, we had to cross the border on foot at night in the middle of a rainstorm), perfumed alcohol in the bus to disinfect your hands, having to haggle for your bottled water (because you have to haggle for everything in the Middle East), et all. Since we were coming from a place with no snow and going thru a place with no snow, everyone was really interested in us and where we are going with all this snowboarding gear. Some people had never seen snow, most couldn’t even perceive the idea that we were taking a bus to a shuttle to a plane to a taxi to a winter resort in Georgia almost on the border with Russia.

To get from Tbilisi to the mountains you have to experience the famous Georgian driving on steep and windy mountain roads. My recommendation is to hold on tight and not look at what the driver is doing…prayer also helps 🙂 You thought Istambul driving was crazy, wait till you see Georgia. If you don’t abide to above rules, you’ll die of heart attack WAY before you actually crash. Locals drive these roads every day, your shuttle driver is well aware of what he is doing, save him your backseat driver speech 🙂

The capital of Georgia – Tbilisi (aka ТиБилЛиСи in Bulgarian) is also called Tiflis in Turkey where I almost missed my flight not being able to find Tbilisi on the dashboard. And while the US has Facebook and Russia has V Kontakte, Tbilisi has Balcony.ge. People observe and share everything from their balconies 🙂 There is balcony architecture, balcony culture, balcony parties, basically “Welcome to the Land of Balconies!”

Having covered skiing and travel in Georgia, now onto food and wine! What should you try from the famous Georgian cuisine? Basically everything…more than once – Kachapuri (homemade cheese and egg “pastry”), Khinkali (meat or veggie dumplings), Shashlik (meat skewers), breads, yogurt, cheeses, jams, jellies, soups, pickled veggies, spices!!! Based on the cuisines I had tasted before, I found Georgian dishes to resemble a mix of Armenian, Turkish, Russian, and Eastern European flavors but maybe those countries borrowed their spices and intricate preparations from Georgia, who knows…

Georgia produces both red and white wines grown in a special viticultural region. The red is served hot and spiced on the slopes – a must for this apres-ski loving gal! Two other beverages to try are cognac and chacha. Georgia produces some of the best cognac in the world, I recommend the 5 or 8 yrs old aged varieties. And don’t forget to buy some as gifts for home! Chacha is the local name for homemade vodka / raki / moonshine. It is made from different fermented fruits. Drinking chacha is a Georgian tradition – don’t you dare refuse a toast – and resembles tequila tasting in Mexico. You will get drunk, for sure!!! The supermarket varieties go up to 55 proof while home-made chacha can be all the way up to 85 proof. I was super lucky to try a 65 proof persimmon homemade chacha aged in oak barrels on the slopes. You bet I brought some home 🙂

Last but definitely not least, I couldn’t get over was how sweet, kind, and hospitable the locals were, everywhere! Georgia is still very real, rural in places and rough around the edges at times, but that just adds to its local charm. Go visit while it is an up and coming destination, affordable and a developing tourist market and not yet full of foreigners and skiers. There is just SO MUCH to see and explore in Georgia, I only went to Gudauri and the Kazbegi Region but I will definitely be back in summer to hike the Caucasus Mountains, visit the wine region and experience the famous Tbilisi nightlife!

Svaneti in Summer – PC: @zermatterhorn

Gudauri Ski Resort, Georgia – A Gem Hidden Deep in the Caucasus Mountains There are places you know you will miss from the first moment you set your eyes on them.

#Adventure #caucasus #driving #georgia #hot springs #mountain #mountain pass #mountains #ski #ski resorts #skiing #snow #snow bunny #snowboard #snowboarding #snowstorm #Travel

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imforrestgumping-blog · 7 years

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The Grand Scheme of Her

Scene I Throughout time women have been the downfall of many empires – tonight was no different. Her name, Cleopatra. Perfectly imbalanced by the waist, Classic Vans and brain. It rains, she feels it in her soul. But the usual night out meant no jacket. Carving a heart in the window of the Uber. Uber Van. Almost escaping them she’s yelled at. Touching her thigh – chills pass through her name. Five minutes away to the place, hours away from her heart. They cut Fifth Avenue. Always sensational how beautiful she looks braided. The heavy laughs echo in her mind as time loops. Dead lifting her conversational attributes. He touches her again.

Scene II It reeks of a chef’s favourite scent. Stairs are her usual prep kit. Walking into the lighted room, energies come alive. She worked three months to show off these thighs. She was fire. The Classic Vans dynamic elevating her posture. Neutral colours were her way of showing off God’s work. The reason why he kept his hand inside of hers. The rest shuffling their seats around the table. Friday nights always dropped punch lines at this hour. Conversation like a Bryson Tiller flow. Emotions conspiring against her inputs – she was supposed to feel alive. She could only think of him, kilometers afar in a lucha. She belonged to the world. Avant-garde of objectification. Her no-make policy inexcusable to her friends. And the guy touching her thigh. Dank on the menu prior to pre-drinks, bullshit talk and good food served truly by the collective.

Scene III The Chanel smell fading as the kush heightens her sanities. Standing outside passing kush burn with him. It shouldn’t be him. First time they’re both simultaneously on her conscious. A slight beep in her purse is not what’s presently needed. Brushing the braid off her face – Cleopatra needs her black lipstick effect. Third beep, fourth, fifth… Places phone on silent. Cleopatra and her pyramid scheme - gold plated attitude, distressed followers admiring her carved-out legs, seated at the table feeling deranged. She remembers the writing he propelled last night. How he titled her his Winehouse, Angelou and Jolie… And in this physical form, eyes connected with him. She realized how he could never write, speak or touch. Because in those pants, fucking three times a day was his staple diet. Him or him. Tequila shots or white wine. Panini or salad. Vodka shots or cocktails. Him or him. Khelani or Jhene. Home or his place. His place or the party. Him or him. Cleopatra was about to ruin another empire. One of art…

Scene IV Drinks flush down gorges. No limitation to this lit chapter. Fading of more than just characters. Lips connect like the clash of galaxies. It was never known, but to her. Finally embracing the touch of her thigh. Cleopatra is not only drunk, mad, but also high. The energies switch up tempo. Fifth gear sightings. Thinks of the guy trapped in the lucha. Sixth gear is not en-route. Lace bra needs adjusting. The dark alley felt darker. Quiet walk back to the table. Preeminent energies inviting something Cleopatra cannot join. Cleopatra needs her black lipstick effect. Lights warming to her soul. Outside the rain is fading. Soon she’ll have no reason to remember the nights naked poetry set her spirit alight. The lucha man meant passion. The rain his sanction. So her mind ran for the ladies room. Cleopatra dimed – fake it till you make it hun. Movements appreciated by her waiter. Her personal curator. Returns to the table. He flourishes on the drinking budget. 11 pm, 12 am, 1 am…

Scene V Cleopatra wakes up next morning. Hennessey breathe sweating. Skewed lace underwear. The night did not patch up the day... Bed sheets colluding with her memory. Texts officiating the destruction of an empire – lucha man attempted suicide. Video recording of last night’s fuck scene reached lucha man. Guy read heart-to-heart of her and lucha man. Got her drunk. And recorded her wildness.

In a way she was an artist.

- Anima

#poetry

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makbaes-archives · 8 years

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Never Have I Ever and Chill - Markson x Reader

members: mark and jackson rating: nc-17 genre: smut word count: 3098

summary: you like to spoil the boys with relaxing, fun nights where they can let loose and forget about their busy schedules whenever you get the chance. you don’t expect it to turn into you and your boyfriend hooking up with his best friend.

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These boys are your favorites. They’re funny, and talented, and they care about you and support you, and you do everything in your power to love and support them just as much back. That means, on the very few occasions they have free time, inviting them over to your place for movies, drinks, games and whatever other fun things you can think of to help them relax and let loose. They are constantly busy, and you hardly get to see them anymore, so you thought it was a good time for a night of fun.

Which leads to the massive pillow fort in your living room and seven boys lounging around eating pizza while you all watch terrible horror movies.

“Okay, time to liven things up some,” you say, standing up and walking to the fridge. “What’s everyone’s poison? I’ve got soju, beer, wine, and tequila if you’re feeling extra festive. No margarita mix, though,” you finish with a pout, examining the fridge for whatever mixers you had.

After playing bartender, you hunker back down in your spot in the pillow fort next to Jackson and lean on his shoulder as you take a sip of your drink. He sips his own, his free hand moving to your knee, rubbing small circles. The two of you started dating before the dating ban was up, so you only recently made your relationship status to the public. The boys knew, however, so it was nice to feel comfortable in front of them.

“Okay, who wants to play Never Have I Ever?”

Mark groans into his beer, and BamBam nods fervently. Yugyeom quirks an eyebrow.

“What’s that?”

“The worst game you’ll ever play. Especially with her,” Mark answers the maknae.

“Is not. And listen, don’t be butthurt because I have game, and you don’t.”

“Oh, I have game, thank you. I’ve just been a little busy being in an idol with very strict limitations and schedule.”

“Shhh, you’ve totally broken rules, and you know it. Besides, you don’t have to get all Not Safe For Work TM on us. At least not until we’re drunk enough.”

“I’m already liking the sound of this,” Jackson says, sitting up straighter as he grins in excitement.

“Okay, House Rules. Everyone holds up their hand. We go around and each person will say something they’ve never done. Doesn’t matter what it is. If you’ve done it, you put a finger down and take a sip. First person to put all five fingers down has to chug the rest of their drink.”

The group nods in understanding, holding up their hands.

“I’ll go first. Never have I ever been in an idol group.” You grin mischievously, and Mark narrows his eyes at you as takes a sip of his beer. The others take a sip and put a finger down. “Jackson, you’re next.”

“Never have I ever gotten blackout drunk.”

You pull away from and feign an offended look. “I tell you that in confidence, and you put me on blast like that? Wow, so we’re playing dirty.”

“You started it, jagi.” Jackson teases, scrunching his nose at you. You take a sip and put a finger down.

“Oooohh, story time!” BamBam chants.

“No, no story time. We aren’t talking about that dark, embarrassing time in my life.”

Jackson just laughs. “Markie-pooh, your turn.”

Mark sighs, rolling his eyes. “Never have I ever given a stranger my phone number.”

“Okay, is this attack Y/N night? What the Hell?” You take another sip and put a second finger down. Mark grins.

Jaebum goes next with never having failed a class in school, then Youngjae with never having owned a cat. Yugyeom says he’s never done illegal drugs before, Jinyoung says he’s never stolen anything, and BamBam ends the round with never having been in a physical fight before.

The game makes it two more rounds before it gets really sexual. You’re honestly surprised it took that long, and you’re all fairly buzzed by now, because in between taking sips for the game, you’ve all been sipping occasionally anyway.

“Never have I ever sent a dick pic to a fan,” Jackson says, and you nearly spit out your drink when BamBam drinks and puts a finger down.

“To be fair, she didn’t know it was me.”

“My sweet baby boy, why?”

“There is nothing sweet about him,” Mark says, snickering. “Okay, never have I ever had sex with a fan.”

“Do you count?” Jackson asks you, but he’s already taking a sip before you answer.

“I mean, I was a fan. I am still a fan. But I was your girlfriend when we had sex.”

“Secret girlfriend.”

“I say it counts.”

“Anyway,” Jaebum cuts in. “Never have I ever had a threesome.”

It’s Jackson’s turn to choke on his spit when you put your finger down.

“What? College was a good time.” He’s staring at you with a shocked expression still, and you throw your hand up. “Listen, does it make it better if I tell you it was with two girls?”

“Nice,” Yugyeom says, and he and BamBam nudge each other like children. They’re learning too much about their noona, honestly.

“I don’t… yes?” He looks so conflicted, and also maybe aroused? You can’t tell. You’re getting pretty drunk already, having chosen tequila instead of something lighter.

“You’re so different from high school, Y/N,” Mark tells you, giving you a smirk as he sips on his beer. “You’re like, a completely different person.”

“Oh, do you like it?” You wink at him, laughing when he blushes. You turn to Jackson, and kiss his cheek, nose nuzzling the soft stubble growing in.

“Youngjae, you’re up,” Jaebum says, amused at how the night is going.

“Never have I ever… snuck someone into the dorms.”

Yugyeom and Jackson drink, and BamBam teases Yugyeom about his ‘date’ with Jungkook.

“Never have I ever kissed a noona,” Yugyeom says, and while several of them drink, you coo at him instead.

“Aww, sweetheart. You’re precious. I’d totally kiss you if I were single.”

“Do it.” You turn to look at Jackson and raise your brow at his command. “What? You said you would.”

“I was mostly joking.”

“I don’t think so.” He grins, sips his drink, then points it at Yugyeom. “Go ahead. I won’t be mad. If anyone has the honor of stealing his first noona kiss, I’d want it to be you.”

You laugh at the absurdity of his statement and look from him to Yugyeom and back. “Are you serious?”

Jackson huffs and sits up. “Yugyeom, do you want Y/N to kiss you?”

Everyone looks at the maknae, who looks nervous now. “Um…”

“Hell yeah, he does,” BamBam answers for him, and Jinyoung slaps his arm.

“You really want me to kiss him?” You ask, and he shrugs and nods, and it’s weird to see how calm he’s being, instead of overly protective like he usually is, whether it’s joking or not. “Okay, fine.”

Crawling over to Yugyeom on your knees, you stop when your knees touch his folded legs and look at him. “You okay with this, Gyeom-ie?”

He looks over your shoulder at Jackson, who’s sipping his drink and watching like he’s way too amused by this. Looking back at you, he nods, so you lean in, lips brushing his lightly. But you’re you, and you’re a little drunk, and Jackson is acting too cool about this, so you gotta rile him up somehow. You press into the kiss, hands coming up to wrap around his neck. You kiss him several times before nipping at his lower lip, tongue sliding over to sooth it. When he parts his lips, you go for it, licking into his mouth. You hear the boys around you going nuts, ‘ohh’ing and screeching and laughing.

When you pull back, his lips are swollen, and he looks a little dazed, and you smirk before returning to your spot next to your boyfriend. You look at him with a grin, wiping your mouth, and you catch his pupils dilating. New kink discovered.

About an hour, two rounds of shots, and an attempt at another round of NHIE later, Jaebum, Jinyoung, and Youngjae are passed out. Whether from alcohol or exhaustion, you don’t know.

“Let’s play Truth or Dare,” you announce as quietly as you can.

“I dare you to take your sweatshirt off,” Jackson smirks.

You do, exposing the very revealing tank top you’re wearing underneath. “Hah, you thought I’d just be in my bra.” It’s not hard to tell all four boys have their eyes on you.

“I was kind of hoping you weren’t wearing one,” he says back.

“I dare you to take your shirt off, babe.”

He grins and does so, flexing afterwards. You roll your eyes playfully and shove him to the side, causing him to fall into Mark.

“BamBam, truth or dare?” Mark asks, hand instinctively moving around Jackson’s shoulders.

“Dare, duh.”

“I dare you to do a lap around the apartment naked.”

“Oh, my God, why?” You cackle loudly, and even louder when BamBam stands up, ready to do it. Mark shushes you, but he’s laughing, too. He strips down to nothing and jogs around the apartment, and you’re crying laughing.

When he’s done, and dressed again, you wipe away your tears.

“Yugyeom, truth or dare?” BamBam questions the boy next to him.

“Dare.” The youngest grins back, but you can tell he’s nervous at whatever BamBam will have him do.

“I dare you to give noona a lap dance.”

“Yes!” You shout and get shushed again, and Jackson gives you a look. You blow him a kiss, and Mark runs a hand through the younger’s hair. It seems to sooth him.

Yugyeom licks his lips and stands, holding his hand out for you to take. You do, and he pulls out a dining room chair for you to sit in. “Music, B.”

BamBam finds something on his phone and plays it, and Yugyeom starts out slow, eventually ending up in your lap, grinding against you to the music. You bite your lip, glancing at Jackson, who’s got the dark look in his eyes again. You glance down and notice his hand on Mark’s thigh. You know they touch a lot, and it doesn’t faze you at all, but it does give you an idea.

Yugyeom gives you a great lap dance, and you cheer when he’s done. He ends with you on the floor, him doing that humping dance thing, and finally he stops. That’s usually when JB and Jackson tackle him anyway.

You play a bit more, do another round of shots, before BamBam and Yugyeom tap out for the night. It’s pretty late, and they’re falling asleep on each other, so you, Mark and Jackson move to your bedroom, giggling at how cute they are.

Jackson flops on the bed, and Mark sits up by the pillows. You crawl onto the bed and stop just in front of Mark.

“Hey Mark, can you undo my bra for me? This one is always tricky.”

He looks mildly confused and glances at Jackson, but he’s staring at you, and you’re looking at Mark. Your cheeks are flushed from the alcohol, and your hair is a little messy, and Mark nods a little. “Um, sure.”

You turn your back to him and shiver when you feel his hands on your skin. The bra comes undone easily. You turn back to him and take it off without taking your tank top off and drop it on the floor.

“Mark, do you find me attractive?” You ask him, biting your lip.

“Yeah, who doesn’t?” He answers quickly, not worrying about Jackson’s reaction. “All the guys think your beautiful.”

You blush and press your thighs together. “And would you, oh I don’t know, have sex with me? Given the chance?”

That’s when Mark raises his brows at you and turns to Jackson. He can tell Jackson is enjoying this too much, especially when the brunette looks up at his hyung and gives him a slight nod of the head.

“I—yeah.”

“Good.” You move to straddle his legs, arms wrapping around his neck. “Here’s your chance.” You kiss him softly, and a bit surprised when he responds so quickly. His hands slide up your thighs and stop on your ass, pulling you further into his lap. His enthusiasm excites you, and you feel yourself getting wetter.

Your hips move against his, and you feel him getting harder each time. There’s already too much clothing involved. Mark pulls back, panting, and looks at Jackson. “What do you want me to do, Ga Ga?”

Jackson licks his lips and sits up. “Take off her shirt.”

Mark obeys him and slips your tank top off, exposing your breasts.

“Touch her.”

The eldest moves his hands up to your breasts, cupping them gently before pinching at your nipples. You sigh at the feeling, arching into his touch. Mark glances at Jackson before leaning in, taking one in his mouth. He alternates between sucking and biting and licking, then he moves on to the other.

Leaning back on your hands, you moan and look at Jackson. He’s palming himself through his pants, and you reach out and run your hand up his thigh, squeezing his dick through the soft material of his sweatpants.

When he groans it’s like music, and you moan again, grinding into Mark’s lap.

“Someone fuck me. I don’t care who it is.”

Jackson comes up behind you and slips his arms around you. While Mark continues assaulting your breasts, leaving marks all over, Jackson’s hand dives into your shorts and panties and brushes against your clit before pushing inside you.

You gasp at the sudden spark of pleasure and grind down into his hand as he pumps in and out of you. With the doubled sensations, your orgasm isn’t far away. Jackson kisses your neck, biting the part he knows is sensitive, and you moan and arch.

“That’s it, Y/N. Ride my fingers. Come for me,” Jackson whispers in your ear, licking the shell of it, nibbling on your ear lobe.

You do as he says, grinding against his hand, pushing further onto his fingers. When he presses his thumb to your clit, it’s all you can do not to shout his name as you shudder and come apart in their arms.

“Oh, God, baby. You were so good,” he tells you, voice thick with lust. Mark pulls away from your chest and looks at Jackson. His pupils are blown, and Jackson just grins. “Y/N, why don’t you take care of Markie-pooh?”

You nod and move out of his lap, hovering over his hips as you pull his pants and boxers down. You bite your lip at the sight of his hard dick, and lean forward, licking the tip where precum has already beaded. Mark groans and lets his head fall back to the wall.

As you lick up and down his shaft and take him into your mouth, Jackson kisses and caresses your back. He pulls your hips up and makes you kneel, motioning for you to keep going with Mark. You hear him shuffling around, and then three fingers enter you, and you moan around Mark’s dick.

“Fuck, Y/N. You’re so good at this,” Mark tells you as he moans, and you preen at the praise. His fingers run through your hair and tug softly.

“Shh, guys. Not too loud.” Jackson moves his fingers in and out several times, before replacing them with his length. He fills you up, and you moan again, fingers tightening around the base of Mark’s dick. Mark bucks up into your mouth, fist tightening at your scalp, and you fight the urge to gag. With both Jackson and Mark fucking into you, you feel yourself getting close again.

You move one of your hand to Mark’s balls, massaging them lightly between your fingers, and he groans. When he bucks into your throat again, you don’t pull back. Instead you swallow him down, hollowing your cheeks as he fucks into your mouth.

Mark is a mess beneath you, barely able to form words as he reaches his climax.

“’M g-gonna come,” he grits out, and only two thrusts later he shoots his load down your throat.

You’re not really into swallowing, but you can hardly taste it as it slides down your throat. You pull off him with a pop, looking over him with clouded eyes. Your second orgasm is closing in, and just the sight of Mark looking utterly fucked out gets you even closer. Reaching a hand beneath you, you rub circles against your core, moaning against Mark’s hip.

“Harder, Jackson. Oh, God, right there, baby!” Your orgasm hits you harder than the first, and Mark isn’t too far gone to cover your mouth with his hand. When Jackson comes, he groans and rides it out with shaky, inconsistent thrusts. He pants heavily as he presses kisses to your shoulders before pulling out and tossing the condom away. You shudder at the feeling.

You collapse onto Mark, head on his chest. Jackson brings back two damp washcloths, and he and Mark clean you up before tending to themselves.

“Mm, my favorite boys,” you mutter against Mark’s skin, and you feel him chuckle.

Mark looks unsure of what to do then, with you on top of him. He isn’t looking at Jackson, and his hands are very pointedly at his sides. Jackson only grins and rolls his eyes, pulling the comforter up and over your bodies before snuggling against your backside.

“I can hear you overthinking,” he says to his hyung, fingers carding through your hair.

Mark bites his lip and shrugs. “What am I supposed to do in this kind of situation?”

“Enjoy it,” you say sleepily. “I know what Jackson looks like when he’s turned on. He was soooo into this. You have nothing to worry about.” It’s quiet in the room for a moment, then you speak up again. “Unless we invite you to join us again, of course.”

“Have you both done this before?” Mark asks, raising a brow at his best friend.

“Nah, but she’s right. You both are really hot together.” He laughs lightly and adds, “So were you and Yugy.”

“I’m not fucking a 19-year-old.”

“I didn’t ask you to, babe, calm down.” Jackson and Mark laugh, and Jackson kisses your head. Mark glances at Jackson briefly before kissing your forehead. You sigh contently.

Although completely unexpected, you would not be opposed to more nights ending like this. Besides, this night was all about relaxing and having fun, and you think that had been accomplished.

#got7 smut #got7 scenarios #jackson wang smut #mark tuan smut #markson smut

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