#i also graduated with a perfect 4.0 gpa and was one of the 5 out of the 250

[omni-scient-pan-da]

OMGCONGRATS ON GRADUATINGGGGGGGG!!!! COLLEGE BOUNDD!!

THANK YOUUUUUU I somehow did not see this until now but I appreciate it!!

[just-an-absolute-mess]

A Bully Gets Bullied

CW: Musk, CNC, Transformation

Emily had just gotten back from a day of classes to find her roommate” was still out. Well actually a long day didn't quite fit, she was supposed to go to 5 classes today but instead skipped the last 2 to go work out. Her roommate Bea wasn't actually her roommate either, Emily had been bullying the scrawny nerd for the past 6 months and due to some well placed threats to her old roomie got the key. This was all too make sure this nerdy loser was nearby 24/7 for whenever Emily wanted to have some fun.

Bea was a short, scrawny girl at only 5’5”. What she didn't have in muscles she had in her brain. Already at a 4.0 GPA and on track to graduate a year early. Emily had noticed Bea one day in the library, when Bea had told her to stop playing music out loud Emily had decided to teach the nerd a little lesson. Shoving the chubby girl down and stuffing a sock in her mouth to keep her quiet before cramming her under a desk. They stayed there for hours as emily enjoyed her new footrest, from that day on Emily had decided Bea was hers to toy with.

She still remembered the surprise on her face when she walked in just to see her tormentor waiting with all of her stuff. That was also the day Bea learned what the inside of her 4 year old boots smelled like. Judging by the gagging and screaming the must've smelled worse than Emily could've ever imagined. Since then Bea's life has essentially been taken over by the bully's musk, never going without it for more than a couple hours.

Emily finished with her reminiscing and went to the mini fridge. Hoping to find something good in there, she never actually bought any of the food or drinks in it of course. Bea did all the shopping and usually got to keep whatever Emily didn't want (usually only a handful of the stuff she bought). One drink caught her eye though, a blue soft drink with no label. But it did have a bright yellow note taped to it, Special, please do not drink -Bea

“Must be a specialty soda that loser got.” Emily thought. Deciding that it was the perfect solution to her problem, she twisted the cap off and chugged it letting the note fall to the floor. Ending with a loud belch that she swore shook some of the objects in the room. “Damn that was nice, gotta get more of it. Weird aftertaste though.” Emily then feeling a little tired after a long day went on her bed, turned on the room's tv and quickly fell asleep.

When she woke up she saw Bea looking over her. “What're you staring at nerd.” Emily said but quickly got surprised at her voice, it sounded.. tinier? Sitting up she also realized she was shorter than earlier that day! Before she was 6’1” and way taller than Bea, now she guessed she was maybe 5'3" and Bea was taller! Then came the last of the changes she noticed, all of her muscles seemed to be gone! She probably couldn't even lift 30lbs like this!

“What the hell did you-” Emily started before Bea shoved her down and put a hand over her mouth.

“This worked out better than I could've hoped, look at how tiny and weak you are now! You can't even move my hand from your face!”

Emily started grumbling angrily while fighting to get this loser's hand off her.

“Stop that, or I'll never tell you how to reverse this.”

Emily stopped but still couldn't hide the rage in her eyes. How could she have been reduced to this by such a pathetic nerd.

“Now I'll let you know what my plan is since you can't fight back no matter how much you try. I planted that drink to put you through the same hell you put me through, and I won't reverse the changes until I think you've learned your lesson. I guess it'll take the rest of the semester, probably more if you keep fighting though.” Bea was staring down at Emily with a slight smile on her face. Reaching down she pulled her shoes off and held one above Emily. “Now huff up, I haven't made anything as bad as your boots yet but these will still show you what you're in for.”

She couldn't believe this, she had to be having a nightmare. She couldn't be at the mercy of her loser punching bag of a roommate, any second now she'd just wake up. Either way she wasn't going to sniff the shoe held over her nose. She would just hold her breath and wait for Bea to give up.

Except Bea stayed there. After a minute Emily couldn't hold her breath any longer and took an inhale, a much bigger one than she wanted. Immediately she could feel the tears form in her eyes as the cheesy, salty scent filled her lungs. Gagging into Bea's hand she tried to mumble out an apology but nothing could get through.

“Keep sniffing.” Bea's voice was icy, Emily knew she could either breathe in again or would be subjected to another torture.

Another breath in and another gag. No matter how much she sniffed she couldn't adjust to this. Her nose was burning from the scent and all she could do was whimper and whine the more she was forced to do this.

“You know, you look kind of cute like this. My sweaty running shoe over your face while you're helpless to fight back. I see why you did it to me, but there's so much more we need to do.”

Bea pulled the shoe and her hand off Emily's face and giggled at her desperate breaths of clean air. She wouldn't get much of a break though as Bea removed her sock and shoved it in Emily's mouth. Every taste bud screamed in agony as the salty sweat dripped down. Bea grabbed some tape and made sure Emily wouldn't be spitting it before tying her hands behind her back. Emily was truly helpless, not only was she tied up but even if she wasn't she had no hope of beating Bea in a fight.

Bea sat back and enjoyed the show for a few minutes as Emily writhed, gagging and screaming into the improvised gag. Nothing could compare to this sight, seeing her bully brought so low with no hope. She felt arousal build in her and did her best to hide it for now. It was better to save that for much later.

Instead Bea lifted her feet and placed them both on Emily's face. Emily's screams doubled, but the neighbors knew not to come in when they heard screaming. Bea idly rubbed her feet on the girl's face soaking her in even more rancid sweat. The screams almost made it feel like she was getting a massage.

Emily was truly in hell at this point, not only could she taste the disgusting socks (which she would've sworn hadn't been washed in a month) her nose was also subjected to a worse smell than the shoes. It didn't help that Bea was literally rubbing them in her face. Every so often even cupping her toes around her nose and making her huff nothing but the foot funk. She prayed that this would end soon, that she would get a break at the very least. Her prayers went unanswered, this torment lasting hours until it was already dark outside.

“Oops, guess I lost track of time. Honestly I could do this all night but we should probably sleep.” Bea said nonchalantly to the girl tied up on her bed whimpering. The only thing going through Emily's mind now was hoping that the day could finally end and she could be free for at least a few hours.

Bea got up and pulled Emily down until her head was in the middle of the bed. Confused at what was going on and why she was still gagged Emily looked up at her captor.

“Oh you aren't going free yet, we might need to sleep but there's something you can help me with. See I haven't showered in the past 3 days and my ass is swampy, I think your nose can help air it out.”

Emily was too exhausted to fight anymore, she just accepted her fate. At least she thought so until Bea sat on her face and Emily took a breath in, the smell was so much worse than she could have imagined. A bitter acrid stench that made her nose burn and her eyes roll back into her head. The screams she let out weren't words, they weren't even done consciously at this point. Emily had truly been broken already just by some sweaty feet and a swampy ass.

Thankfully for Bea the screams died down soon after she threatened to subject her to worse smells from her ass. Falling to sleep within a few minutes with her captive trapped between her cheeks. The breaths airing out her ass being the only noise she heard from Emily.

Emily passed out shortly after, the smell of her ass too much for her poor brain to handle. She hoped she would be turned back after 6 months. She had already learned her lesson after one day, she would never subject anyone to this torment again for fear of what might happen if the roles were reversed.

[academla]

Guys, I made it!

Wow, it’s crazy to be back on here. I don’t know if anyone still follows me and/or remembers I exist, at this point. I came here because I finally let go of my domain name. It was a really difficult decision which felt like leaving a part of my life behind me and closing a chapter, but I don’t use this blog enough anymore to justify the cost. 

I created this blog over FIVE years ago. It’s associated with so many memories - primarily good, but also some of the shittiest times of my life. Regardless, my time in the studyblr community was pretty formative and I’m so glad I was able to experience it. I have zero regrets and never will.

Even though I’m leaving it behind indefinitely, my blog will forever be a part of me. I’m still getting emails and some comments on the fanfic that somehow stirred up controversy and drama in 2017, I actually sent The Academic Zine to one of my account leads at work the other day, and in my interview for my current job I talked a lot about how running my blog influenced and reflected who I am, my strengths as well as my weaknesses. I’m still in touch with the company that reached out to me about collaborating on a self-help book so you never know... maybe someday the stars will align and that will pan out!

This is more for my own closure than anything (so please forgive my rambling) but I know I have periodically come here and posted brief updates. If I recall correctly, they are usually also associated with empty promises/declarations of an inevitable return, which I can safely say is most likely not going to happen anytime soon.

Hard to believe I had just graduated high school when I first joined. To those who still remember me and my journey - trying to juggle mental health, school, and paying my way through college - here’s a final (for now... I’ll probably be on here in another 5 years when all the people I used to follow are like, getting married and having babies LOL) update on my achievements in the past year or so. I’m by no means perfect and I have a long but exciting road ahead of me, but put in the context of the person I was even 2 years ago, I would say with cautious optimism and pride that I did indeed make it.

Updates below, in case you aren’t reeling enough from the wall of text that just unexpectedly popped up on your dash...

- I graduated summa cum laude from the honors college in May 2020 with my psychology BS and the 4.0 GPA that my mental health sometimes seemed destined to make an impossible achievement. Even in the end I had to take an Incomplete for one of my courses because I was unfortunately in the midst of a relapse. This shit is real, guys. But even in spite of it, I was able to succeed.

- I paid for 6 out of all 8 semesters, as was my goal all along - through working my ass off and trying to be somewhat responsible with money. Donations I received through here were a massive help as well and I’ll be forever grateful for each and every person who contributed. I also applied for and received a few merit scholarships, which helped. I graduated with $15k of debt, which is less than half the national average. So, I did pretty well for myself.

- I’ve undergone some tough mental health challenges and hurdles. Some of the darkest times I’ve ever sustained, where I was scared for/of myself and was so much worse than I was when I was 15 yet had so fewer resources. Somehow I made it through - and will continue to. I made that pledge in 2015 and I still stand by it.

- I’m now working for a market research company. I knew by graduation that I didn’t want to be in academia, but I didn’t know if I had enough passion/commitment to a clinical career to undergo the financial, mental, and academic burden of a graduate program. I had a minor existential crisis over that all summer. Fortuitously, I emailed one of my favorite psychology professors from my freshman year and her son-in-law was able to refer me to this market research company. Everything came together and I love my job more than ANYTHING. Work is (most of the time) incredibly fun and something I look forward to every day. 

- EDITED TO ADD: I’m also living on my own in the city, hooray! I thought the day would never come, but luckily it did. It’s painfully expensive (because city) but for the amenities, location, and quality of the 1-bedroom apartment relative to many other options I looked at, it’s worth it. We can reassess whether or not I’m broke in August when the lease is up.

Listen, I’ve made a lot of mistakes. I’ve dealt with a lot of adversity and trauma, too. And at the same time I am fortunate: I was raised in a (mostly) loving household, I was afforded educational opportunities that not everyone is lucky enough to have, I was able to get the help and support I needed when I was unsafe. I won’t invalidate my own struggles because the hard work I’ve invested, the literal blood, sweat, and tears, all of that - that was real and valid. But I don’t take a single thing for granted.

I made it, and you can too. If you are a stranger wondering who the hell I am, you can go here if you want to be assaulted by a wall of text, or here for a more concise and recently updated synopsis.

That’s all I’ll say for now (did anyone miss my novel-length posts?) but I do still manage my email address (academlastudyblr@gmail.com) if for any reason anyone is looking to connect. 

Just for the hell of it, I’m also updating some of my pages. Catch you (I’m talking into a void right now, I know) on the flip side!

[jlalafics]

“I loved you first”-an Everlark fic

This prompt was requested by @b-boop5. Thanks love!

5. “Wait a minute. Are you jealous?”

Summary: There are divorced couples. Then, there are Katniss and Peeta Mellark.

I loved you first

Johanna Mason looked around the high school field, lined with rows of plastic chairs. In front of her stood two middle-aged women, dressed in their ceremony best, looking over the crowd gathering for the graduation.

“I didn’t have a chance to look over my program, but who is the Valedictorian?” one woman asked.

“It’s the Mellark girl—Adeline,” the other woman responded. “She’s heading to Stanford this Fall, you know.”

“I’m not really familiar with her…I don’t think that she and Katie really hang out.”

“Oh—everyone knows about the Mellarks.” Johanna moved in closer, grimacing at the woman’s overwhelming floral perfume. “Adeline’s parents were practically teenagers when they had her. They stay together long enough to have Adeline’s younger brother before getting divorced.”

“So, they’re what? In their thirties?”

“About that. Katniss, her mother, barely looks like she’s hitting her thirties. She owns that cute little boutique downtown.”

“And, the Dad?”

“Oh God—Peeta Mellark. A delicious specimen of a man. He’s the CEO of Mellark Bakery; his family started it from a small, mom-and-pop bakery and he turned it into a franchise. Now, they’re all over the country.”

Johanna was suddenly blinded as two hands covered her eyes. She smelled the faint scent of sugar and watercolor paints.

“You’re messing up my makeup, Luke,” she warned.

Whirling around, Johanna beamed at a gangly blond, grinning at her.

“Aunt Johanna!” Luke wrapped his arms around her. “You came!”

“Of course.” She embraced her nephew tightly. “Where’s your mother?”

“Her and Dad are heading down,” Luke informed her. “They’re deciding which restaurant to go to for Grandma’s birthday next weekend.”

“There they are,” the gossiping woman suddenly said. “Peeta and Katniss Mellark. The perfect exes.”

“Are you sure? They looked like they’re still into each other.”

Luke and Johanna locked eyes; the young boy rolling his at the two women being not-so-discreet.

“They’ve been that way for years. Every PTA meeting or school event, they’re together and usually talking amongst themselves, his arm around her shoulders and her leaning against him, just like now—here they come!”

“Johanna!” Katniss pulled away from her ex to rush into the woman’s arms. “I’m so glad you came!”

“I wouldn’t miss AJ’s graduation for anything,” Johanna replied. “And, how is my favorite ex-cousin doing?” She looked to the man talking to her nephew. “Hey, asshole.”

Peeta grinned at her. “Hello to you too, Johanna.”

“How are you enjoying Panem so far?” Katniss asked her.

Johanna looked to the shocked women, both red with embarrassment. She gave them a wink.

“It’s been illuminating.”

++++++

“Apparently, you and Peeta, are the ‘It’ couple when it comes to divorces,” Johanna informed the two as they found their seats.

“Are we?” Katniss looked to her ex-husband with a smile. “Did you hear that, Peeta? We’re the cool divorcees.”

Peeta snorted. “Don’t these people have anything else to talk about?” He sat next to Katniss, giving Luke the aisle seat so he could take pictures of his sister walking down towards the stage. His arm snaked over to the back of Katniss’ chair. “Sometimes I forget how small it is here.”

“Well, you two are freakishly close,” Johanna pointed out. “Probably more than most married couples.”

“It’s kinda true, parents,” Luke added as he played with the lens of his camera. “My friends are always surprised when I tell them you’re divorced.”

“Why are your friends so nosy, teenager?” Peeta asked.

“Because their parents ask.” Luke turned to them. “It’s not like I mind. I don’t really remember when you were together, but if it was the opposite of this, then I’m glad you’re divorced.”

“That’s very mature of you, sweetheart,” Katniss told their son.

Peeta smiled fondly at his ex-wife. “We made some smart children.”

She returned the gesture, her eyes on the handsome man. “All from me.”

He leaned towards her ear. “I don’t doubt that.”

Katniss trembled; even after all these years, Peeta always knew how to make her come undone. They had known one another since they were children, had fallen deeply in love when they were juniors in high school, and Katniss was pregnant by graduation.

They had tried to make it work.

The birth of Adeline had brought them even closer and they loved their daughter with all their hearts. However, the extra responsibility had been a lot on the young parents who both juggled work and college part-time.

Katniss and Peeta’s parents had rallied to help the two. Their families helped take care of the adorable cherub that Adeline was while they went to school. On the weekends, Peeta was at the Mellark Bakery, learning how to manage his parents’ business. Katniss would be at their apartment, textbooks on the kitchen table and their daughter in her arms.

They both graduated with business degrees.

Katniss was pregnant with Luke during their college ceremony.

By Luke’s first birthday, Peeta and Katniss could see the cracks in their relationship. Peeta had been spending less time at home, trying to bring Mellark Bakery up the corporate chain. Katniss was unsure what she wanted to do and had little time to think about it as she raised their two children.

Also, they both had tempers.

As the children slept, they argued, going to bed angry. Sometimes, one or both would be in tears.

By the time Luke was two and Adeline six, they had agreed to a divorce.

Katniss and Peeta sat their families down and told them that they would be separating but amicably. Katniss would have the home that they had bought together, and it would be where the children would live. Peeta would move into an apartment nearby and would have them on the weekends.

Their main priorities were Adeline and Luke. They wanted their children to grow up in a loving, supportive environment.

It was hard in the beginning; they still loved one another…but something changed. Maybe they had become too different or they had just grown apart.

Whatever caused their breakup hurt like hell.

They continued to push forward; Katniss eventually decided to open her boutique, Primrose—named after her younger sister. Peeta became a silent partner, helping her purchase the space, but mostly staying out of the way as a gesture of goodwill towards his ex-wife.

Now, Katniss could say with confidence that Peeta was one of her best friends and vice-versa.

They had dinners together with the kids—sometimes without them. She would go to the Mellark Home for Thanksgiving and Peeta would attend the annual Christmas party at her parents’ house.

They went to every recital, sports event, and even spelling bee together. The kids never felt neglected—at least she hoped they didn’t—and both parents had great relationships with Adeline and Luke.

“It’s starting!” Luke called out. He put the viewer of his camera to his eye as the strains of ‘Pomp and Circumstance’ began.

The navy-clad graduates were led by Haymitch Abernathy—Senior Class advisor and teacher—who held the school banner as he walked down the aisle to cheers and camera flashes.

He was followed by the Senior Student Council, each with white stoles denoting their roles.

Then, wearing gold stoles, were the Valedictorian and Salutatorian.

Adeline beamed excitedly, her long dark waves moving with her, as she walked down the aisle. Next to her, Evan Odair smiled, his cheeks red and his eyes caught on Katniss and Peeta’s beautiful daughter.

Adeline spotted her parents, waving excitedly, and flashing a peace sign as Luke took her picture.

Katniss took a deep breath, trying to keep her tears at bay. Sometimes, she still saw the little girl who would beg her to play tea party with her every afternoon.

Now, that little girl was getting ready to take on the world—and she wouldn’t need her mother anymore.

Peeta put an arm around her, pulling her side against his.

“She’s always going to need us, Katniss,” he assured her.

Katniss turned to him. “How did you know what I was thinking?”

Peeta reached, wiping the stray tear off her cheek, and giving her a sad smile.

“Because I know us,” he told her. “We all grew up together—you, me, Luke, and Addie. And, we’re never going to stop needing each other.”

Katniss nodded and he pressed a kissed to her temple.

Next to the exes, Johanna rolled her eyes.

Brainless, the both of them.

++++++

“Now, I would like to call up our Valedictorian—” Voluminous applause rang through the crowd along with some shouts from the rowdier seniors. “—an ambitious young woman who, besides maintaining a 4.0 GPA and taking all available AP classes, is the president of our youth volunteer club, one of our most popular tutors and a peer mediator. From personal experience, it has been an honor to have someone to debate with in class—” The crowd laugh at his words. “Ladies and gentlemen, Adeline Jane Mellark.”

The crowd was riotous as Adeline stepped onto the stage. She was always popular, though she never had a particular crowd that she hung out with. She went to prom with Evan—as friends—though Katniss believed that the boy next door had always wanted more.

However, Adeline had always been a free spirit.

She admitted to Katniss that she didn’t want to be tied down to anyone since she would be leaving for school—despite the cuteness of Evan’s smile.

Adeline stepped up to the podium, beaming at the crowd.

“Good afternoon, faculty members, families, and senior class,” she began. “My name is Adeline Jane Mellark. Most of you know me as AJ or, if you’re my Dad, Addie. I am supposed to be up here trying to inspire and give you advice for what comes next. However, I don’t think I could give you any advice as I’m in the same boat as the rest of you. I don’t know what’s coming next.”

Katniss leaned forward; her eyes trained on her daughter. Peeta sat in rapt attention, his own stare on their daughter.

“I can tell you that, whenever I’m not sure what to do, I think of my parents. You see, my mom and dad had me right after they graduated high school. They had to navigate going to college along with raising a child and by the time they graduated college, my brother came along. When I think about it, we grew up together.” Adeline smiled to herself. “We learned together.”

She met Katniss’ eyes.

“My mom taught me to always focus on what I want, to never back down, to fight for what I believe in.”

Peeta reached for her hand, giving it a squeeze.

“My Dad—” She heard Peeta’s breath hitch. “—taught me that there is good in everyone; that sometimes to get back on track all you need to do is look at a sunset, and to always have hope.”

She grinned.

“Mom, Dad…I just wanted to say that I’m proud to be your daughter. That, because of you, I am not afraid of what comes next. You both taught me lessons that I’m going to carry with me my whole life—that no matter what happens, I’ll always have a place to just be me.”

Adeline looked at her classmates.

“We’re always going to have each other. So, when you’re feeling lost or scared, think back to this moment—this is our place to be us. This great moment of excitement…fear…of endings…and beginnings—life is full of them. Enjoy them. It has been an honor to be part of this graduating class and I wish you all the best of luck in whatever comes next. Thank you and congratulations!”

The crowd was up on their feet and, over the sea of people, Adeline met her parents’ identical teary gazes to blow them both a kiss.

++++++

“You must be so proud, Peeta,” the woman…Karen—he wasn’t sure what her name was—said. “Adeline is so accomplished.”

In return, Peeta gave the woman a conciliatory smile. “Katniss and I are very proud of her.”

Beside him, Finnick and Annie Odair stifled their laughter at her obvious flirting in the middle of his own daughter’s graduation reception. The couple had been friends with the Mellarks since they moved into the neighborhood.

“It’s going to be awfully lonely for you now that Adeline’s going to be moving away,” she simpered.

“Not really. Our son is just entering high school. Katniss and I are sure we’ll have our hands full.”

“Luke is definitely a spitfire,” Finnick said. “But a hell of an artist.”

“He’s going to the fine arts high school, correct?” The woman frowned. “Do you think that’s the right path? The artist route isn’t very lucrative.”

“Well, it’s a damn good thing that Peeta and I care more about our children’s happiness than the amount of money they’ll make.” Katniss joined his side and gave the woman a cool smile. “Clarissa, we’re so glad you could join us.”

“Thank you for having us.” The woman looked around the house. “You have a beautiful home.” Her eyes suddenly darted behind them. “If you’ll excuse me.”

She was gone in a second.

“Clarissa! That was her name!” Peeta snapped his fingers, turning to his ex-wife. “This whole time I thought it was Karen.”

Katniss chuckled. “Please don’t tell me you called her Karen.”

“Peeta couldn’t get a word in,” Annie explained. “The woman had her sights on becoming the new Mrs. Mellark.”

“Many have tried, all have failed,” Peeta said. “Anyway, I’m not looking.”

“Why not?” Katniss questioned. “I was just too perfect, wasn’t I?”

He flashed her a smile. “We all didn’t find a Gale Hawthorne, did we?”

Peeta tried not to cringe saying the man’s name. Katniss had been dating him casually for six months, but he could tell that the man was set on making things official.

“Where is Prince Charming, anyway?” Finnick asked, his disdain obvious. Their friend had always believed that he and Katniss would eventually reunite. According to him, they had too much fire to be just friendly exes.

“Probably somewhere polishing his crown,” Peeta replied with a short laugh.

The look on Katniss’ face quickly cut him off. She looked disappointed.

“Peeta, you’re better than that,” she admonished softly. “Excuse me.”

Katniss walked away, heading upstairs, and his heart sank seeing the slump in her shoulders.

“What the fuck was that?” Annie asked, looking between the men.

“Truthfully, I think Gale is a douche,” her husband admitted. “I don’t know what the hell Peeta was on about—” Finnick looked to the downhearted man. “Wait a minute. Are you jealous?”

Peeta glared. “Why would I be jealous?”

Finnick guffawed. “Because the man is probably pounding into your ex-wife who you’re still pining over.”

“Focus, you two!” Annie pushed Peeta forward. “You should probably talk to her.”

“I’m already on it.”

++++++

Katniss looked at herself in the bathroom mirror.

Why was she even upset about Peeta’s remark? It wasn’t like it was mean.

Truthfully, Gale was a little high on himself sometimes. He was successful, having his own real estate firm, and had taken her to some nice places.

While he didn’t make an effort to get to know Adeline or Luke, she hadn’t gone out of her way to encourage his involvement with her children either. They didn’t need another father figure.

Truthfully, Katniss kept him because he saw her as a woman—and not just a wife or mother.

There had been a point in her marriage to Peeta where they stopped seeing each other as people and started seeing one another as parents who just slept next to one another. It was hard to keep the romance alive when she always had a baby to her chest.

Their fights had been epic and an argument over which preschool Adeline would go to ended with a bout of angry sex against the doorway of their bedroom.

Then, she ended up pregnant with Luke.

One day, they looked wearily to one another and both realized it was over.

They had no fight in them left.

“Katniss?” Peeta stood at the bathroom doorway, guilt on his face. “You okay?”

Katniss turned to him, crossing her arms as she faced him. “I guess.”

“I didn’t mean it,” he told her.

“I just don’t want us to get to that point where we’re snipping at one another,” Katniss told him. She moved past him to walk into her bedroom and sat on her bed. “I hated that.”

Peeta joined her. “Me, too.” He sighed, giving her a doleful look. “I’m just not used to not being the number one man in your life.”

She knocked into his shoulder, a smile rising on her lips.

“Peeta…you know that Luke is number one.”

“I will concede to our son,” Peeta told her. “Addie is going out with her friends tonight and Luke is sleeping over at Christian’s house. They have a video game to conquer, apparently. Did you want to have dinner? Like a parents of the Valedictorian celebration? We can go to that Chinese place that we love—with the mu shu you like.”

Katniss gave him an apologetic smile.

“After the cleaning crew leaves, I’m having dinner with Gale tonight.”

Peeta nodded. “How about I stay while the crew cleans up and you two can go on your date earlier?”

She raised a brow. “You sure?”

He stood, holding out his hand. “Truce?”

Katniss took it, standing and giving him a hug, her nose pressing his shoulder. She always enjoyed his smell, that warm spiciness of his cologne. It was comforting yet it still made her heart skip a beat whenever it hit her nostrils.

“We better get downstairs,” she said into his shirt. “We have a speech to make.”

Peeta nodded, lifting her chin so he could look into her eyes. “We did it, Katniss.”

“What do you mean?”

They walked out of her bedroom and Katniss looped her arm through his as they headed down the hallway towards the stairs.

“Remember when she was first born? We were both so scared of screwing her up…but we didn’t,” he told her.

They descended the stairs, staring at one another.

“I remember. I was constantly snippy and wanting to call the doctor at every weird noise she made,” she replied. “And, you were always worried about dropping her or cursing in front of her!”

“I may have cursed once or twice. Much more around Luke—” Katniss snorted and he laughed. “Things get a little more relaxed with the second one!”

Katniss sighed. “True.” They stopped halfway down, and she turned to him. “I’m sorry if I ever took my parenting fears out on you. It probably contributed to a lot of our fights.”

Peeta shrugged. “I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. All those late nights at the office…”

“It’s all in the past now,” she interjected.

At the foot of the stairs, Adeline and Luke were talking to Evan and his parents. When she turned to look at them, their daughter hurried up the stairs with a bright smile on her face before wrapping her arms around her parents.

“Thanks, you two.” Adeline pulled away; her blue eyes glowing. “This is a great party and you did so much—”

“You deserve it,” Peeta told her tenderly.

“You’re our little girl,” Katniss said. “We always kind of knew we would be spoiling you!” Adeline giggled. “And, we are enormously proud. A bit braggy, too…”

“Aunt Johanna told me about those two women gossiping about you guys,” their daughter informed them quietly. “It makes sense, though. Their daughters are bitches.”

Peeta guffawed and Katniss raised a brow at their daughter’s words. That was thing about Adeline; she never pussyfooted. Like Katniss, she could be blunt when need be. However, she was naturally empathetic like Peeta.

“While I’d usually prefer that you didn’t curse, you’re eighteen so I can’t really stop you,” Katniss said.

“Thanks, Mom!” They made their way to the last three steps and Adeline went to a nearby server, who handed her two glasses of champagne. She walked over to them, handing them both a glass. “Good luck, you two.”

Stepping back, Adeline joined her brother and friend.

Katniss turned to Peeta, a nervous grin gracing her face. “Go on. You’re better with this than I am.”

He chuckled, leaning to kiss her cheek.

“You’re probably right.” She elbowed him, ignoring the heat rising on her face. “You’re really too easy to fluster.”

Peeta cleared his throat and Luke tapped the glass he was holding with a spoon to catch everyone’s attention.

“Thank you, Luke,” he told their son, who grinned back with a smile so much like his own. “Thank you all for attending this reception. Katniss and I would just like to say a few words about our daughter…”

++++++

“How did the graduation go?” Gale asked as he cut into his steak, his eyes focused on the slab of meat.

“It was wonderful,” Katniss replied. She reached for her fork to cut into her salmon. “I wish you could’ve come to the reception. You would’ve enjoyed it.”

“It’s not really my thing,” the man replied easily. “No one wants the boyfriend at the family party. Anyway, I already gave Adeline her graduation gift.”

Her daughter had smiled blankly as Gale handed her the two gift cards; one for Target for school supplies and the other one to get a full tank of gas for her Prius.

It wasn’t that her daughter was ungrateful; she admitted to Katniss that Gale seemed a little…cold towards her and Luke—as if he didn’t like them.

However, who wouldn’t adore Katniss’ children?

They were sweet and kind…

The man in front of her, however, looked a little overwhelmed whenever he was in their presence.

“Don’t you like your food?”

Katniss realized that she had yet to take a bite. She gave him a smile before putting a piece in her mouth.

“Delicious.” She swallowed before reaching for her wine glass. She definitely needed to discuss this issue about the children. “Listen—”

“I know what you’re going to say.” Gale placed his utensils down. “Now that Adeline is leaving for school, you’re looking into more time for us.” He gave her a tight smile. “It’s just that we’re getting into the summer and it’s our busiest time with parents trying to buy or rent places for their kids—”

“That wasn’t what I was going to talk to you about that,” she interrupted. “It’s that whenever you’re around my kids, you seem to be a little…aloof.”

Gale looked non-plussed. “I mean, they aren’t my kids. I don’t necessarily need to be obliged to care for them like I’m their father. They have one.”

“I know that and Peeta is a great one,” she explained. “But I thought we were serious in a sense where you’d want to get to know them.”

“Hmmm…maybe if we had our own child, I might have to open up to them.”

Katniss blanched—was she really dating this guy? This man who didn’t want to let her children into his life unless he saddled her with his own?

In that moment, Katniss saw a future where she would once again be changing diapers, waiting for a man who was never home.

Suddenly, she was standing up.

“You know what? I’m going to save you the trouble of having to open up to my children. Goodbye, Gale.”

She made her way toward the exit, but not before grabbing the bottle of wine she paid for from the ice bucket.

++++++

Stepping out of the taxi, Katniss looked up her home, comfort washing over her immediately.

This home was where she watched her children take their first steps…where she’d wait at the front door as they stepped off the school bus and into her arms…where Peeta had carried her over its threshold…

They had purchased the two-story colonial-style house after Luke was born with the help of their parents. Since then, they had repaid the loan tenfold and found comfort that their children had a place to go whenever they needed it.

Heading up the brick walkway, Katniss reached into her purse pulling out her key to unlock the door before stepping into the house.

Closing the door, she was surprised to smell the scent of…cookies.

Toeing off her shoes, Katniss headed towards the kitchen and was surprised to find Peeta pulling out a tray full of chocolate chip cookies—her favorite.

“What are you doing?” she asked from the open doorway.

“Thought that you and the kids would like a fresh batch whenever you got home,” her ex replied as he placed the tray on the counter. Peeta pulled the oven mitts off, tossing them beside the cookies. “You’re home early.”

“Dinner didn’t go so well,” she told him glumly. Katniss presented him with the wine bottle in her grasp. “At least I have a consolation gift—that I paid for.”

“Ouch,” Peeta replied. “Well…cookies are the perfect complement to wine.”

She nodded. “Do you remember where the bottle opener is?”

He went to the second drawer to the left of the counter, pulling out the well-loved gadget. “Always.”

++++++

“Do you remember how we used to stay up late to watch R-rated movies after the kids were asleep?” Peeta asked. “I swear there was one point where I wanted to murder The Wiggles.”

“You didn’t know?” Katniss reached to grab another cookie from the coffee table. “I put a hit on them. That’s why you never hear about them anymore.”

The soft glare of the television was the only light in the room. They had discovered an old romcom that was popular when they were teenagers and decided that it would go well with their late-night snack.

Peeta chuckled, sitting back on the couch. He had changed from his ceremony attire to a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants that Katniss had found in her closet. She had also changed into a pair of pajamas while Peeta had set up cookies and wine in the living room.

“If anyone could murder them, it would be you,” Peeta replied. “What time is Addie getting home?”

“I told her midnight was her curfew while she lives here,” Katniss informed him. “Once she’s in college, we will have no say on when she gets home.”

“I’m dreading not knowing what she’s doing.” He turned to her. “Do you think she’s going to come home during the holidays?”

“If she doesn’t want me to go all the way to Stanford to drag her ass here, she will.” Peeta snorted at her words. “She’ll come home. It’s going to be lonely here without her though. Nobody to have mani-pedis with or talk about those stupid reality shows …”

Katniss found herself sniffing back tears. She swiped them away with the back of her hand.

“Ignore me. It’s the wine and ending the most useless relationship in history.”

Peeta waved her over to his side and she scooted in towards him, her head going to his shoulder. She tucked her feet underneath her bottom as he put an arm around her.

“Did you love him?” Peeta asked gently.

“No.” She closed her eyes, taking comfort in the warmth of him. “I’ve had my great love. I don’t need another…I just liked the feeling of someone making an effort to just be with me.”

“And, I wasn’t that way?” he replied tightly.

“Neither of us were making much effort towards the end.” Katniss looked up, seeing his eyes full of hurt. “It was no one’s fault. It just happened. I mean, we didn’t kiss each other anymore.”

“I should’ve kissed you more.” His hand reached to brush her chin and her body tingled, her lower half twisting in that familiar heat. “It was one of my favorite things to do.”

“Until it wasn’t.” Katniss swallowed harshly as she unfolded her legs. They were getting into dangerous territory. Reluctantly, she stood up. “I should clean up—”

Peeta suddenly grabbed her wrist and she stilled at the motion.

Standing, Peeta reached his arm around her waist, pulling her against him.

His other hand went to her cheek. “You’re always going to be my great love. You know that, right?”

Then, his lips were on hers.

Katniss fell easily into his kiss. She always did. Her arms circled his neck as she pressed against him, feeling her nipples tighten against the hard planes of his chest. Peeta’s hands moved down, palming at her ass and she groaned into his mouth, her tongue sweeping into his.

Peeta’s lips moved to her neck. “I forgot how good you tasted.” He sucked against the juncture and she mewled, the heat between her legs growing and her core throbbing. “Do you still taste this good everywhere else?”

“You can find out…later.”

Katniss guided him to sit on the couch as she pulled her unbuttoned her pajama top, shaking it off her quickly. Her breasts were in bare sight, nipples pebbled despite the heat in the room. Her pants were next, and she undid the drawstring before bending down to pull her bottoms down to the carpet.

Peeta stared up at her in awe. “You’re still the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”

Katniss smiled softly as she placed her knees on both sides of his lap before straddling him. Her lips went to his in a gentle kiss.

“Have you been with anyone else recently?” she asked against his mouth.

Peeta shook his head. “It’s been a year…and it was only once.” He looked to her. “And Gale?

“Never. He hardly came over and I have never been to his apartment,” Katniss explained. “We mostly had dinner or went to shows that his company was sponsoring.”

Peeta tutted. “Shame.” His hands went to her waist. “Who wouldn’t love to be deep inside you?”

Her hand reached under the waistband of his bottoms, finding him hard. Her hand wrapped around him, stroking smoothly to get him ready. He hissed, his eyes closing and his hips following her motions.

“Please don’t make me come all over myself,” he begged. “I don’t think I’d forgive myself if I did.”

“We wouldn’t want that—” Katniss eagerly helped him pull his pants off, her eyes going immediately to his length, standing erect and the tip of it glistening. She missed his cock—or at least her pussy did, as it immediately pulsed at the sight of him. “—I don’t think either of us is going to last.”

His hand went between her thighs, pushing the cloth between aside to plunge two fingers into her sodden core.

“Damn, you’re wet.” His eyes traveled to meet hers as he slid the digits in and out of her before putting them into his mouth. “You taste even better than I remember.”

“I forgot how I loved the way you looked at me whenever we were together,” she told him, her hands hurriedly moving the last piece of cloth. “Like I was the only woman in the world.”

“To me, you are.”

Her eyes filled and she leaned down to give him another kiss before helping him remove his shirt.

“You shouldn’t say things like that,” she admonished quietly.

Katniss looked over her ex-husband, familiarizing herself with his body once more. His chest and shoulders were broader and his abdomen firmer. However, there were other things that were the same; the scar on his shoulder from falling at the school playground and the feel of his strong thighs under her.

“Why not?” he asked her, his hand going to the nape of her neck.

He gently drew her down until their foreheads met and she looked into those blue eyes, dark with hunger. Her heart skipped at the intensity of his gaze and she remembered all over again how easy it was to fall in love with Peeta.

“Because this will be harder to forget,” she told him.

Peeta’s hand went to her hip, guiding her over him.

“I don’t want to forget.”

Then, in one motion, he was inside her.

++++++

“Katniss.”

She looked up from behind the register to find Gale standing before her.

“Hi. What are you doing here?” she asked, rounding the counter. “I haven’t heard from you in…”

“Two months,” he replied sheepishly. “Trust me, you don’t forget when a woman walks out on you at a restaurant.”

Katniss crossed her arms. “You kind of deserved it.”

“May I take you out to dinner to apologize?” Gale looked genuinely sorry for his behavior. “I miss you.”

“You don’t even know me,” she countered.

“Give me a chance—unless you’re seeing someone else.”

Her mind wandered to that night…that perfect night with Peeta.

She had forgotten how perfectly he fit inside her. Peeta had been her first and she was his. When they were younger, he had jokingly told her that her insides were perfectly molded to his cock—any other man’s would never fit exactly right.

And, it was true.

He continued to prove his theory a few more times before she insisted that he leave. It wouldn’t do any good for Adeline to see her father and mother reuniting carnally all over the living room couch.

They were still close, but they understood that it had been once and once only.

Even though the sight of him left her soaked.

Or that, occasionally, if Peeta was close enough to her, he would brush his hand against Katniss’ sending her hormones into overdrive.

She shook herself from her thoughts and looked to the man in front of her.

“There’s no one else,” she told him.

“Tonight? I’ll pick you up after closing.” Katniss nodded and Gale leaned over to kiss her cheek. “I’m looking forward to it.”

“See you then.”

Gale walked out of the store, heading towards the Mercedes parked in the front.

Katniss stretched, feeling an ache in her body. Lately, she had felt off. The stress of Adeline getting ready to leave and unexpected sex with her ex had left her feeling out of sorts.

Yesterday, she nearly tore Luke’s head off for leaving his muddy sneakers by the front door after soccer practice.

There was a beep on her phone, and she looked to find a text from Adeline: ‘Mom, you heading to a Target or a drug store after work?’

She typed back, ‘Wasn’t planning to. Do you need anything?’

‘Some Tylenol and tampons.’

‘Sure babe. I’ll see you later.’

Adeline’s cycle was very similar to her own; it came strong, leaving her sometimes unable to even move.

Katniss added soup to her list of things to grab after closing the store.

It always made them feel better during their periods—

Which she did not have, even though she and Adeline were usually in sync.

Katniss turned from the counter where a calendar featuring men with puppies was—no red circle marking the arrival of her period. She took the calendar off its hook before looking at the previous month.

No red circle either.

Fuck.

Without fail, every graduation ended with her being pregnant with Peeta’s child.

FIN(?)

Really enjoyed writing this one, it would make a great four-parter. Thoughts?

[promethes]

how an idiot like me got into good schools

A quick run-through of my academic history and how I got into good colleges will be below the cut! I’m also including a list of some of the schools I got into for reference. I apologize in advance for how messy this is, but my memory is shitty and I remember random things that I keep throwing in lol. (and for people congratulating me, thank you very much, but I got into all these schools last year lol! so keep in mind I graduated high school in 2019)

If all you came for are the basic stats and you don't want my rambling: I went to a public school GPA: around 4.4 on 4.0 scale (3.9 unweighted) SAT: 1520/1600 APs: 10 (4 3s, 2 4s, 4 5s) Extracurricular: mainly NHS (around 300 volunteering hours), StuCo, Varsity Golf, and Quiz Bowl

EDIT: comments made by the readers who reviewed my application are available here!

First off, I am not an einstein! I am blessed that I pick up on stuff easily and gifted in academics, but I’m nowhere near a genius. For a little backstory, I went to a public school in Michigan for the entirety of my pre-k - 12 education. When I was in the third grade, the district introduced an accelerated program. We took a quasi IQ test and if we tested high enough (I think the threshold was 80%? If I remember correctly I got a 97) we were put in a class that was 2 years ahead in English and Math. We stayed grouped together for the rest of our public schooling, basically a core group of around 20 people. Since we were the first year of the program and our grade was exceptionally gifted for some weird reason, it was a very high achieving group of students, so I’m going to include their stats along with mine for comparison because colleges also factor in your peers when they look at your stats.

I’ll start off with basic stats:

I got a 1520 on the SAT. My grade had around 5 - 10 people achieve over 1500. Some of them had been studying for years, while others (me) did not know that the SAT existed until that year and couldn’t afford any private tutoring and had no patience for the study books from the library. I’m lucky to have an aptitude for the skills they were testing. I did not take any SAT subject tests.

For GPA, I think I ended up with around a 4.4 on a 4.0 scale. I was around 15/350 when it came to class standing, so I was far from the valedictorian. I think our valedictorians got around a 4.6 or 4.7.

I took 10 AP tests. I got a 3 in APUSH, World History, Language and Comp (I fell asleep lol), and Chem (I will get into this class a little later). I got a 4 in Literature (I fell asleep. Again.) and in Psychology. I got a 5 in Calc AB & BC, Comp Sci Principles, and Environmental Science.

AP classes were really pushed in my high school, especially onto my grade, and I don’t like being told what to do lol so I pushed back and took fewer AP classes than most of my peers (valedictorians ended up with maybe 15? It’s crazy) and basically only took classes I was interested in or that I had to take because I had exhausted the rest of the curriculum.

I also dual-enrolled in 2 classes at the local community college since I’d exhausted the curriculum at my high school for things I wanted to do (english and comp sci). I want to make it clear that I never sat down and planned how I was going to maximize my schedule or how I’d take the most advanced classes, I just fell into it since we had already essentially skipped two grades. Most people didn’t dual enroll since they wanted the AP GPA boost.

For extracurriculars, I mainly focused on Quiz Bowl, Golf, NHS (volunteered around 350 hours in 3 years I think) and Student Government. I never had any leadership positions and just kind of fucked around most of the time. Most of my peers held several leadership positions throughout the years and did like a bazillion things. 5 of them even traveled to Europe for some science research thing where they presented their research. I was not that big of a nerd.

In junior year, I stumbled on something called Questbridge and decided to apply because I wanted the money for the scholarship. I became a Questbridge college prep scholar, which then led me to apply for the National College Match. I didn’t rank any binding schools so I didn’t match, but I did apply to several schools with their application. If you are a low-income high achieving student, I highly recommend looking them up. I was the first person in my school to do this program and encouraged my peers to do it too. I think 4 of us were Questbridge scholars.

As you can see, I had good numbers, which probably got me past the first wave of application look throughs. However, I’m fairly confident that what made me stand out was my essays. I always stress this to whoever asks me for advice: do not write a perfect essay, write YOUR essay. I can only imagine how bored those poor people are of reading about someone winning a soccer game or a spelling bee. Add some pizzazz in there. Talk about your flaws and your mistakes and your unique life experiences! 

For example, my personal essay wasn’t even in essay format! I wrote it like journal entries, focusing on my sophomore year when my life was Extra Tumultuous and I was going through homelessness. I did not say I was homeless once in the essay. I just did day by day entries of what my life was like during that time and through that the readers were able to see that I loved to read, that I am fiercely protective of my single-parent family, and they saw how I handled adversity. I want to stress that I’m not encouraging poverty porn at all. I did not write it to make the reader feel bad. I simply relayed what I thought about in a day, focusing on both big and small.

I also wrote about funny things related to academics, partly to explain my transcript and partly to be funny. This is the AP Chem thing. I actually dropped out of it after one term (so about a third of the way through) so I could dual enroll in a class I was interested in instead. My chem teacher HATED that since I was good at chemistry (hate it. Hate that subject so much) and tried to convince me to stay. One of the things he said was “You’ll never be ready for college if you don’t take this class! You wouldn’t even be able to pass the AP test!” so I said bet. dropped the class and signed up for the AP test that same day and showed up almost every day for the rest of the year and dicked around the entire class, taking naps in the back of the lab, sitting on his desk, cracking jokes about whatever he was teaching. I got a 3 on that exam purely out of spite with only half the information I needed. So write about stuff like that. It’s fun.

The fact that I had no guidance in writing the essays was actually really good for me since I just kind of let loose. My UChicago essay read like I was on crack, and they loved it so much that they literally mentioned it during the welcome speech for their little college visit in April.

And don’t sweat over the small stuff! The short answers don’t have to be perfect and mind-blowing, just answer honestly. For the “why Yale” supplemental essay I just ranted about how beautiful their library is for a good 300 words (at some point I said I needed my inhaler because it was that breathtaking. I made a Yale admissions officer read that.) I ranted about Howl’s Moving Castle to Columbia. I told them my favorite magazine was the American Girl ones for their arts and crafts! I have a friend at Columbia who literally sent them a picture of her in a duck costume as a supplement. They loved it. So don’t lose your mind trying to sound worldly and educated. You’re like. 17. Just answer honestly and don’t think too hard about it.

I was also extremely lucky to have a dedicated counselor who sat down for hours with each individual student to write fantastic letters of recommendation. She really made it clear what I had achieved and what challenges I’d faced.

So. tl;dr: I got lucky. Unless your parents donated a couple billion to the school, there are no guarantees. Sometimes you can have the stats and perfect essays and amazing extracurriculars and you can still get rejected because they don’t think you’re a good fit with the school compared to the rest of the applicants. There’s limited space in the student body. I got into schools my valedictorians didn’t get into even though I was academically less than them in every possible way. So let yourself shine through your essays and know you’ll end up in an environment that values the person they saw in those essays.

I got into a lot of schools, and don’t really have a record of all of them, but here are some of the top ones I can remember off the top of my head:

Yale, Columbia, University of Chicago (likely letter), Northwestern, University of Michigan, Northeastern, CWRU, UNC Chapel Hill, and a couple other schools here and there that slip my mind at the moment.

[lustcdbliss]

( JENNIE KIM, 25, CISFEMALE ) I just bumped into [ OLIVIA LEE ] the other day while walking down [ WEST ] Kingsboro, where [ SHE/HER ] live. I hear they can be [ SARCASTIC ] and [ FLIRTATIOUS ], but when I think of them I immediately think about [ SILK DRESSES, ICE CREAM, CLEAN INSTAGRAM FEEDS, LAVENDER SCENT, SILVER JEWELERY ]

name: olivia hyejin lee nicknames: oli ( although she hates this one to pieces ) liv ( preferred ) birthdate: january 16th 1996 age: twenty-five (25)  place of birth: queens, ny family: mother ( annie lee [korean name choi seohyun], father ( andrew lee [ korean name lee jisung ]  satan little sister (FIRST NAME LEE) gender: cis-female ; she/her pronouns height: 5′4″ ( but in heels she’s a decent 5′6.5″ to 5′7″ ) sexual orientation: bisexual romantic orientation: biromantic diagnoses: high functioning anxiety zodiac: capricorn with insanely too many sag placements in her chart social class: middle class with high class tendencies current location: kingsboro, new york occupation: 

languages spoken.

english, korean, spanish (conversational and a bit further), italian (conversational), french (a combined possible three sentences)

wins / losses.

(+) caring, loyal, empathetic, good listener, humorous, great with advice, kind, loves to laugh, tells decent dad jokes. (-) sarcastic, flirtatious, guarded, doesn’t always speak about her problems or emotions, too giving in a sense, sometimes self deprecating, pessimistic.

fun facts.

- licensed cosmetologist. In the searching for herself phase, she managed to go to school for cosmetology while balancing her other college work in the even that the lane chosen for her wasn’t something she wanted to pursue. - fell asleep during her SATs. still got a score of 2140. - despite being born in 1996, she has a love for all things that is 90s and 00′s pop; if you needed someone to go with you on the show Beat Shazam the odds in you winning would be really high. Bonus points if the entire category is boy bands, she will sweep the entire category with her eyes closed. - wanted to be like Olivia Benson on Law & Order: SVU but realized very quickly she’d get fire because she’d choke a perp out. - has a small stature but will eat you out of a house and home - speaking of Law & Order: SVU, she’s probably seen every episode - has a terrible love and slight obsession with Buzzfeed Unsolved and Watcher because admittedly, she loves Shane Madej. This should speak a lot about her personality and character.

bio.

Olivia Hyejin Lee, well if one were to describe her, you’d need a few characters from a few TV shows to know her best. 1. Serena Van Der Woodsen, Gossip Girl. Olivia was born into money, father a high end exec that landed them in the likes of celebrities. Mother a former Miss Korea and became a socialite in the states along with her husband. The two moved from Korea to the states in the 80s, built business and money when they decided to expand their family once the footing was set. Olivia was first born, her sister not too far behind a few years later. By then, the Lee family began to see success, Jisung and Seohyun choosing more American names to fit in more with the American families they’d spend their times with. Olivia and her sister were given the best, but taught not to take it for granted. Given the world, but also known it can be taken away TW: underage drinking, underage sexual activity. 2. Brooke Davis, One Tree Hill. Like her Serena Van Der Woodsen counterpart, Olivia sees herself living the best of her life, fighting the double standard of men and women. She’s pretty on the eyes, she’s someone who’s grown up a bit affluent in the world. Liv isn’t one to know or care about why is it okay for the goose (men) and not good for the gander (women). That brings us to where the two characters meet and collide to make Olivia. Wild and eccentric in her teenage years, riddled with credit cards and money, influence and late nights that blend into private school classes in the morning, Olivia finds herself running in circles she shouldn’t. Drinking and causing a ruckus. Teenage rebellion her parents call it. Therapists say its her own way of lashing out. High functioning anxiety. When you’re trying to be the perfect kid in the spotlight and maintain that 4.0 GPA you’re told to have and be the child everyone wants you to be but you can’t because its so much pressure that all you want to do is scream--but that’s frowned upon because mom is of status and dad is amazing at what he does and your little satan sister is even amazing that you have to keep the charade. In doing so, you feel your fingers tremble and become numb, you don’t sleep much and you’re scared that one measly time you got a 95 on your exam is going to ruin and throw your entire course off. God Forbid that happens. So it becomes easier to drink the pain away. Becomes easier to stumble into someone’s bed at night, be a bit more open and loving to an extent--of course physical by means. Olivia cleans up her act--mostly thanks to medicine and the sheer fact that disappointing the family is something she’s kind of good at but doesn’t want to do anymore--and attends NYU on her own scholastic merit (she assumes, mainly) and studies Hospitality Management while juggling a side hustle of learning cosmetology. The more she kept herself busy, the better Liv was better at keeping herself distracted from relationships (spoiler alert: they all kind of failed either because they couldn’t click or she gave her all and didn’t receive the same in return. There’s also the ones that failed because she kept her walls up after a wall, but that’s a long winded story of how she started to keep her walls up in the first place, isn’t it?), the more she wouldn’t feel the ever dreading fear of failure. As of right now, she’s graduated with a her degree and opted to live in Kingsboro, Brooklyn and live in the West End with people Liv knows she’s be able to click with. She doesn’t flaunt her money, in fact she tries not to touch it because Liv wants to build from the ground up like her father did. Liv wants to start small, live in a place where she can be free, be herself at her own rules and most of all--breathe.

[adventuresinstudying]

After graduating high school (c/o 2019!), I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on my senior year. I wanted to share my wisdom (or at least some of my personal experiences) with anyone currently in their senior year - hopefully these will inspire you and help guide you through your last year of high school!

1. Do not let the college process consume your senior year.

Please, do not let this happen. Slow down. Take it easy. Try to devote less than 100% of your time to thinking about college, because otherwise it will ruin your year. Being a senior is a special time in your high school experience socially, emotionally, and academically - while college is important, it is not important enough to take away from enjoying this unique time in your life. Have a life and interests outside of worrying about your applications.

2. Take a free period (don’t fight me on this, do it).

A wise teacher once told me that every senior has a secret class that’s not on their schedule called “college applications.” While he was kidding around, this advice is accurate - having a free period will give you more time to work on your apps, whether it’s because you use a free to edit essays, study for classes, or simply de-stress. There is no need to overload yourself with courses - I promise no college will penalize you for taking a free period, and your mental health will be better because of it.

3. You will meet people you wish you’d known sooner - enjoy your time with them.

I found some of my best friends my senior year at the start of second semester. Yes, it was scary to realize that my most meaningful friendships were formed months before we would scatter across the country. But I was lucky to have the time I did have with these people, and cherish all the memories I have from my senior year. Be present and have fun with the people around you. Don’t be afraid to talk to new people or hang out with a different group just because it’s your last year - you never know who you’ll meet, and it just might make your senior year even better. 

4. Thank your teachers. And your mentors. And your coaches. And the people in the cafeteria. And any other adult who helped you get to this point.

Really, go around and give these people a heartfelt thank you. Write them a note or send them an email. From your favorite teacher to your least favorite teacher, you could not have gotten to this point without all those adults who supported you and advocated for you. The week before graduation I wrote thank you notes to all of my former teachers. Some were short, some were long - but every teacher who received a note responded with an email talking about how much it meant to them. Seriously, say thank you. It takes a village.

5. Try something new! It’s not too late.

It can be very easy to spend your senior year just staying on track. You’ve gotten this far and chances are you want to stay in your comfortable routine. I cannot recommend trying something new enough - take an interesting elective class! Join a club in an area you don’t have experience in! Try yoga! Anything! It is never too late to try something new, and it’s likely that you will have a lot of fun along the way or even find a new interest. Don’t worry about how it will look for college applications; focus on trying something just for the sake of experience, having fun, and going out of your comfort zone.

6. Senioirtis/Burnout is real.

Very often, the students who get hit by “senioiritis” the hardest will be the straight-A’s, 4.0 perfectionists. You may think that will never be you, but anyone who went through high school giving 110% will hit a wall and lose motivation. The best advice I received about senioritis/experiencing burnout is this: senioritis is less of a curse and more of an important life lesson. Maybe you went through high school giving your all 24/7 in order to get into your top choice college or be valedictorian. In the long run of college, graduate school, and a future career, this isn’t sustainable. You need to learn how to function at 75-80%, and more importantly to achieve results that you are happy with at this level. Take senioritis as a learning opportunity to be successful while balancing the aspects of your life.

7. Comparison kills, so don’t compare.

Comparison is one of the most harmful things you can do throughout the college process. Differences are inevitable; someone’s safety school may be your reach, and your safety school may be someone’s dream school. A friend may get into a school you’re rejected from. Someone you feel doesn’t work as hard as you may get into a school that you’re rejected from. These are just a few of the countless scenarios that breed comparison; you can’t avoid them, but don’t allow them to consume your life. First, remember that colleges look at students as a whole. You don’t know anyone’s entire story, so you cannot assume why they are applying to a school and why they were/were not accepted (and that includes yourself!). Second, everyone is on a different path. Don’t beat yourself up because someone seems to be having an easier time applying; everyone will get through the process at their own rate, and it will all work out in the end. Ignore what’s going on around you and focus on what you can do.

8. Be a mentor to younger students.

Ok, sounds cheesy, but don’t be the senior who yells at freshmen and goes around acting like underclassmen aren’t worthy of respect. Yes, you’ve earned some seniority by being the oldest in high school, but in my experience there is nothing gained from being that senior. As someone who spent a lot of time serving as a mentor both formally and informally, it is so much more valuable to be someone that freshmen (and sophomores/juniors) can look up to and go to for help. Whether through a peer mentoring group, a club, a sport, a class, or any other way you interact with younger students, be the senior who goes out of their way to get to know younger students. Introduce yourself, ask how their day is going, ask what classes they’re taking or how their year is going; all these are little actions on your part that can help underclassmen in big ways. Impart your wisdom before you graduate!

9. Find a healthy academic, social, and emotional balance.

Note that in a perfect world, these should all be equal. Study hard, but also spend time with friends and take care of yourself. The college process will be less stressful and your year will be so much more enjoyable if you learn to balance these aspects of your life. It’s ok to go out on a Saturday instead of studying for a test (chances are you can study earlier in the day or on Sunday!). It’s also ok to not go out because you need some time alone to mentally recharge. Find a balance that works for you, and commit to keeping that balance in place.

10. Think about your legacy.

Come May or June, you are going to leave the community you have spent four (or more) years being a part of. No matter whether you hated or loved high school, that’s a pretty powerful image. Although it might seem insignificant, consider the impact you had on that community. Maybe you started a club, or lead a group on campus. Maybe it was something smaller; maybe you always said hi to other students in the hallways or cheered loudly at sports games. I’m not saying you need to fake it in order to have a more significant legacy; I’m saying that it’s incredibly rewarding to spend your senior year being the person you want to be remembered as. This will inspire the people around you and feel more fulfilling than any grade or GPA ever will. Plus, you never know how a former teacher or peer may come back to help you in the future. 

I hope all the current and rising seniors out there find this helpful! Senior year has a reputation for being stressful and intense, but it doesn’t have to be. Enjoy your time in high school and make the most of the time you have left! Graduation may seem a world away, but the year will go by so much faster than you can imagine.

[medschoolash]

Do you mind sharing more your road to medical school? Only if you’re comfortable of course?

yeah sure anon! I’ve actually never written my full story on here or anywhere so I’m glad I get the chance to do it now and hopefully this encourages someone else to keep pursuing their goals or dreams. 

Warning this is a long story . 

so I graduated with a degree is biology back in 2012, it took me 5 years to finish that degree. I was initially a biochemistry major and I changed halfway thru, which put me behind a semester. The semester I was supposed to graduate my depression, something I had struggled with since childhood but never quite acknowledged, had worsened to the point that I could barely function as a student, so I ended up failing every class I took that semester which meant I had to comeback for another semester. 

My final semester in undergrad I prayed everyday for just Cs, that’s what I needed to graduate and that’s all I really wanted because I had zero energy to invest anymore. God heard my prayers and I finished the semester with straight Cs. 

this is the face of a depressed girl who had finished an academic journey well below where she’s used to being but who is grateful she even got to finish at all.

It’s safe to sat that after my terrible academic performance my medical school chances were shot to hell and my confidence in my ability to actually be a doctor what almost zero. I was an amazing student in HS, won every award imaginable, was student of the year, etc but undergrad just didn’t go that way for me. I started off strong and gradually declined as my mental health problems became worse and worse. So to finish the next part of my academic journey at such a low place academically was a blow to me. After graduation I had to make a decision about what I would do next. I thought about doing a post bac program but I couldn’t mentally handle more school and I had zero desire to get a masters in biology when I was so miserable as a biology major.

I ended up deciding to take a year off after graduation. I have amazing parents who support me so they were okay with my decision. I didn’t work or attend school and at times I felt like I was just wasting my life but I did do a lot of soul searching and I discovered what I was really passionate about it life. That time off gave me a chance to mentally rest and recover from a very hard phase of my life. It gave me the freedom to get to know myself better without the pressures and responsibilities of life. I was always aware that this was a privilege that a lot of people don’t get which made me extremely grateful for it. During this time period I was introduced to the field of public health. My best friend had left some months before to pursue a Masters degree in public health and she mentioned she felt I would like it. During my break I looked into it and I learned that it was the perfect combination of all that things I was passionate about at that time: medicine, community, service, and advocacy. The more I explored the field and myself the more I became sure that this was the next step in my path, that this would be the place that I could fine fulfillment while also doing something that could potentially made me a better medical school candidate. while I researched school I started a community health initiative through my church, volunteered in my community, and did small things that made me feel like I had purpose and was making some sort of difference in the world. 

One night when I was up at 3am binge watching the early seasons of game of thrones I saw an email about a school in California that offered a Masters of Public Health degree via their School of Community and Global health. I had always wanted to live in California and the school was perfect for what I was looking for so despite knowing that my grades technically weren’t what they needed to be for a graduate program (yes my undergrad GPA that THAT low) I applied to the school. I even took a huge risk and applied to ONLY that school because that’s how much faith I had about this being the next step for me. It was stressful waiting to hear back from the school and I had many moments of doubting if it was the right decision. I applied to the school in early 2013. The end of July early august approaches and I still haven’t heard anything back even though school starts the first week of September. All of my friends and family knew I would get in but I was seriously doubting. They believed in me so strongly they even gave me a surprise going away party before I even got accepted. 

My dad later encourages me to call the school so I call, fully expecting to hear that I was rejected. At the end of that phone call I learn that I had gotten into the school but I never received my acceptance letter because there was a mix up in their office with the reporting of my GRE scores. I cried as soon as I was told I was granted a conditional acceptance so I barely even processed that it was conditional and not full right away. Either way I was just happy that my faith had paid off, I was going to be attending a school in my dream area and studying something I was passionate about. 

I had less than 1 month to move halfway across the country which was hectic but my family was amazing and made the quick transition a breeze. In August 2013 I moved and once  I got there I now had to finally force myself to deal with the fact that I had a conditional acceptance looming over my head and if I didn’t perform up to par I would be dismissed.  This was also a very  expensive private school that is a part of a very prestigious consortium of colleges that based on stats I shouldn’t have even been accepted into. So  I couldn’t afford to fail at this.  This was stressful at first because my confidence in myself academically still wasn’t great after my experience in undergrad. Long story short tho, I needed to maintain at-least a 3.3 my first semester in order to be granted full acceptance and continue in the program…. I ended up with a 4.0 that first semester. I shocked myself with my performance and doing that well really gave me a much needed boost of confidence. After this first semester I slowly started to allow myself to really dream of medical school again and believe it was possible.

My Graduate experience ended up being exactly what I needed. I met amazing people while in my program, got to experience an amazing city like Los Angeles, and I started to really understand what kind of physician I wanted to be going forward. It was during this program that I realized that there was more to medicine than the science and that It should take more than just perfect grades to call yourself an MD.  I learned that I needed to be a doctor that their patients could trust, that could see the bigger picture outside of just their disease, that could advocate for them, that could treat them with respect and understand everything that affects their quality of life like income status, race, educational background, access to affordable transportation, food and healthcare, and health policy. This is where I decided that I wanted to be a primary care provider instead of a neurologist, where I finally found what my purpose truly was. It wasn’t to just be a doctor for the sake of being a doctor, it was to be a true servant of the people on a community level and global level. 

Despite all this amazing growth and the amazing experience, during my final year my depression and anxiety started to rear it’s ugly head again. It was even more dejecting this time around because I was so happy, so content, living such an amazing life but no matter what I seemed like I couldn’t escape. At the end of 2014 I had health issues that made my mother fly out to California for a week to take care of me and I had huge mental breakdown in February of 2015 (I wrote about it on here before). I remember crying to my friend in the UK about how I was tired of the up and down and how I felt like it was just hopeless for me at this point. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t leave my house, couldn’t make myself eat. Even a small task like combing my hair, brushing my teeth, or putting on proper clothes felt like a chore that I couldn’t do. It was the worst I had ever been.

Once again my academic performance started to suffer again. The only thing that really saved me was the fact that I was pretty much done in the classroom at this point.  I was mostly working on my internship with the exception of one elective class . That’s the only reason my GPA didn’t take a huge hit but my internship was threatened every week. I worked for an amazing organization in LA county that was dedicated to serving the health needs of the incarcerated population. My preceptor was so flexible and amazing that when I told him I had issues with anxiety that were preventing me from coming to the office he helped me arrange working from home. He did all he could to help me finish even when I missed deadlines, appointments, etc because I couldn’t leave my house. More than once he had to be firm and tell my that If I didn’t do better I wouldn’t be able to continue but he always managed to find some grace to extend to me. His final act of grace was granting me an extension on my internship year. 

Basically what happened was by the time the beginning of May 2015 rolled around I did not have the hours to complete my internship. This was okay from a school perspective because it meant that I could still walk, but from an internship perspective I was very behind, well behind my initial contract and they didn’t have to extend it to allow me to finish. My preceptor sat me down and wrote out a plan that would require me to put in very strict hours until October of that year and if I finished by that deadline then they would sign my paperwork that would allow my degree to officially be conferred by the university. I was so grateful for the grace that I cried in his office.

I walked for graduation in the May 2015 ceremony got the summer off, then returned to california to complete my internship and my capstone. 

this was me on graduation day, 3 months after a major mental breakdown

Nothing but the grace of God got me through those months after my breakdown and the next few months. I mustered up every piece of energy and courage I could find and finished my Internship by my deadline in October and my preceptor signed off. My final project was designing an in custody Hepatitis eduction program to add on to their existing HIV education program, something that I am extremely proud of doing since LA county has one of the largest prison populations in the entire world and the vast majority of those incarcerated are black people. 

Immediately after my internship was done I went through a very trying family issue that once again sent me into a spiral. I had initially planned on staying in LA to work in public health until I decided to apply to medical school but after talking to my family I ended up deciding that moving back home near my family would be the better option so I left a city I loved and returned to my parents house. While home I decided that I was tired of not getting help for my mental health issues so I made the decision of finally get into therapy. I made the decision because I knew I could never be a doctor unless I got help. I also made the decision because I was tired of being held back in life because of it, because I was tired of having every good moment tainted my illness, because I knew I couldn’t keep living the way I was living. 

The beginning of 2016 was so hard because therapy, though helpful, opened up so many old wounds. I was often drained after my session (I would walk around whole foods for an hour buying random stuff after each session just to get some of the weight off my shoulders before returning home) but the experience was so freeing that I kept going and I could see the improvement. I learned so much about myself and why certain things have repeated itself at every stage of my life. I learned so many valuable skills and unlearned so many harmful thought processes and behaviors.For the first time since I was a child I finally felt like a free person, not like a walking pit of achievements and expectations, not like a sick person, not like a person just going thru the motions. This helped me finally decide that I was ready to purse medicine again.

My initial plan was to apply to medical school while I was in my graduate program so that I could stark right after graduation but I was so paralyzed with depression and anxiety I would stare at my MCAT book and just cry for hours because I didn’t feel good enough, I didn’t feel smart enough, I didn’t feel worthy enough, and I didn’t feel strong enough to even take that exam let alone actually be a real doctor. So I put it off. I remember being in my therapist office crying because I wanted to be a doctor so badly but It felt out of reach with my grades and history. The day I finally found the courage to schedule my MCAT exam I actually cried as I pressed the process button. I remember sitting in my therapist’s office crying as she smiled and encouraged my for having the bravery to face something that brings me so much anxiety and for having the courage to keep going forward despite the uncertainty. 

If this was a Disney movie I would have scored super high on my MCAT and then been accepted into my first choice school but life isn’t a Disney movie. 

I was scored barely high enough to be competitive but not high enough to offset my academic history so I was rejected in my first round of medical school applications. Prior to therapy I would have completely crumbled and given up, but because I was so much better at that point, so much stronger and braver I cried my initial tears and sat down to restudy for the MCAT again two days later. I was determined to do better, to cope better, and manage my life better. I started yoga, kept going to therapy, and spent time with myself and my friends and family and really finally healed and grew as a person

During this time I prepared my second round of applications for medical school, I applied to over 16 schools with the full knowledge that my application wasn’t as competitive as it needed to be but knowing I had what it took to be a good doctor and somehow it would work out for me. I retook the MCAT and got literally the exact same score as before lol I took that as a sign that I didn’t need to put my faith in an arbitrary measure of intelligence that actually had no bearing on whether or not I would actually make a good doctor or do well on the boards (research backs this up) and instead that needed to put my faith in myself and In God. 

During my previous round of applications I heard about IMG medical schools and I started an application for one school but never finished it because I remembered the stereotypes about IMG students and how they weren’t respected in the states or didn’t make it. During my second round of applications I ended up talking to an associate that was at a small Caribbean school. She told me about her experience and really made me open minded about pursing this alternative path. After doing lots of research I learned that the school I almost applied to at first is one of the most respected IMG schools out there and has given thousands of students the chance to be physicians. 

I decided to apply just before my US medical school rejection letters started coming it. There were a few times that I started to feel like I would never get in or if I did I would be making a huge mistake by going. shortly after sending my application I started a job in a hospital emergency department and while there I learned that 2 of our main ED doctors were actually IMG graduates. I also learned that the hospital had two residents from the school I applied to. This was so encouraging to me because it showed my that I wasn’t wrong. IMG grads can make it, and they aren’t any different from any other grad. They have MD behind their names and perform their jobs just as well as anyone else. The IMG docs were getting the same respect and salary as the Stanford grad on staff. None of that truly mattered, what mattered was can you do your job and do it well. 

What a lot of people don’t tell you about IMG schools is that yes a lot of people attend because they have a rocky academic history, but many attend because they were excellent students but US schools just didn’t have the space for them (google how much of a physical shortage US hospitals have because US schools can’t meet the demand with their low acceptance rates). Many attend because they decided to be doctors later in life and had huge gaps between degrees that US schools found unattractive. Many of them are good enough to be excellent doctors, they just needed the opportunity to do so, I was one of those students. 

After getting rejected by all 16 schools I applied to I ended getting into my current medical program BUT it once again it wasn’t a complete acceptance. I was granted conditional acceptance into the school of medicine, the condition being I had to pass a strenuous hard sciences program with a 3.5 GPA (well above the GPA requirement actual first year medical students need to pass into the next term) AND I had to pass a comprehensive exam at the end of the program with at least a 75. This brought on so much anxiety because if I failed to meet this high standard I would not be allowed to continue and my medical journey would truly be over. Most of the students who get placed in this program don’t pass because it’s that hard. I had 6 different classes, the most credit hours I have ever taken at one time in my life, each with their own exams and class requirements. This was truly the test that would show how much I had grown because this was the most pressure I had ever faced. I was walking into a program thousands of miles away from my family and friends on a secluded island and being placed into a situation that could trigger every single one of my issues. Instead of quitting before I even started I decided I was going to do it, I was going to mass no matter what, I wasn’t gonna let anything stand in my way. I felt like this was what all my suffering had prepared me for, this was what all the delays was for. It was to get to a place where I felt strong enough to give this my all and perform as well as I knew I could. 

My time in the first program was hard. I missed my family, I never felt like I could take breaks, I cried so many times because there was so much doubt and pressure at times. I cried before my first round of exams in the program thinking I would do terribly and I ended up getting As on every exam except one. This helped my confidence tremendously and I finally started to believe deep down inside that I could do this. By the time my program had ended I had lost friends because grades made them withdraw or because of petty reasons and I had a relapse with anxiety that sent me to the department of psychological services once a week for 2 months. But through it all I made it though a program where 150 people started, only 90 made it to finals, and only 50 of those 90 passed (many on appeals) with All As and 1 B and an A on the comprehensive exam. 

I did that, I worked my ass off in a foreign place and I performed at a level that I didn’t think I was even capable of for a long time. I passed with flying colors, I passed with no doubt that I was capable, that I was strong enough to endure this process, that I could achieve every dream that felt our of reach for so long. 

This is the face of a person who worked so hard for so long, who battled so much and finally got to wear the coat that she felt so unworthy of for a long time. This is the face of someone who earned her place at the table that no one can ever take from her. 

and this is the face of the girl who based on undergraduate grades and probably every statistic out there shouldn’t have gotten into medical school but who just finished her first official term as a medical student with an A average and  in the top 10% of her class. This is the face of a person who is as happy as she’s ever been and as whole as she’s ever been. 

[maneoxyunho]

                            𝘋𝘳. 𝘏𝘢𝘯 "𝘈𝘱𝘰𝘭𝘭𝘰" 𝘠𝘶𝘯𝘩𝘰: 𝘈 𝘚𝘵𝘶𝘥𝘺

what is your muse’s full name and do they have any nicknames?

Born Han Yunho. Legally changed to Dominic Alverez, then changed right back to Han Yunho once he left the States. Most people call him Yunnie. Code name Apollo, he doesn’t mind being called that casually either. Lowkey thinks it’s a pretty badass name.

what do they look like? include hair, eyes, skin tone, tattoos, etc. !

Yunho’s neither tall nor short, standing only slightly above average at 5′10. He’s got a rich, caramel tan complexion, eye such a light shade of blue they might as well be grey, and his hair is dyed a rich, warm brown to cover his natural strawberry blonde locks. 

do they have any distinguishing features such as scars, unique birthmarks, etc.?

Well, he’s got the most adorable little birthmark on the top of his cupid’s bow. Oh, and he’s absolutely covered in scars. His body is riddled with them, inside and out. Old scar tissue from cuts, gouges, burns, and bindings that have healed, but still leave a mark that Yunho doesn’t think will ever fade. He keeps his arms, legs, and upper body covered at all times to hide them. He hates talking about them. 

He’s also got scars that can’t be seen. He was poisoned and mutilated from the inside out, and as a result, the majority of his organs were decimated. Half of his respiratory organs were destroyed, and his stomach along with it. He has issues breathing sometimes, and often keeps both a humidifier and a dehumidifier, as well as an air purifier in the infirmary. He can only eat small, very small, portions of food at a time, so it’s pretty common to see him snacking throughout the day instead of having a real meal. He’s got a very strict diet of things he absolutely cannot eat without suffering a trip to the hospital, can’t take NSAID pain relief— the scars that can’t be seen are arguably worse than the one he hides away. 

what is your muse’s friends and family like? who do they usually surround themselves with?

The only family he’s got is Quinn. Well, he’d consider Q family too, but you get the idea. He tries not to think about that too much, otherwise he’s just going to get upset. As for friends, he’s an absolute peach and he loves making friends. He’s a very social, personable person, and he surrounds himself with anyone who needs a little joy in their life. 

who would you consider the closest person to your muse?

Q/uinn. No Questions asked. 

where was your character born and what was their living situation growing up there?

Born in Busan to a single mother, she worked day and night to be able to put a roof over his head and a meal on his plate, on top of paying for his treatments at the hospital. He didn’t get to spend nearly as much time with his mother before she passed away as a normal 11 year old should have, but during those years, he was loved. He was safe. He was raised to be good, honest, courageous, and kind over all else. Honestly, the day his mother died is the last day he’s ever truly felt loved.

what is your muse’s biggest fear and does anyone know? if so, who, and if not, why not?

Ask The Witch Doctor and find out. 

has your muse ever fallen in love before? if so, with who? did it end well?

Honestly? I don’t think so. He’s always been dedicated to his work, his research, and his patients. He’s always been a career and goal-oriented person, so I don’t think he’s ever really slowed down to think about a romantic relationship outside of a quick lay enough to fall in love. 

what would you find in your muse’s refrigerator right now?

Honestly, not much. He can only eat super small portions, so he has to buy much fewer groceries. Of the limited number of groceries he does buy, though, you’d find a lot of healthy foods. He lives a nearly entirely vegan lifestyle out of sheer necessity. He misses meat so much, but he can’t eat it anymore. He avoids dairy, gluten, processed food, sugary foods, spicy foods, alcohol— and yes, you’re absolutely right. That does leave fuck all to eat. Fruits, veggies, coffee, tea... he mainly eats to live, not because he loves his options. 

what does your muse usually wear? you can describe, link pictures, etc. !

Here!

what is your muse’s strongest memory that they carry around?

I mean, being tortured for months on end is definitely the top contender there. He still struggles with PTSD from those traumas, it’s a wonder that he manages to be so strong, that he still manages to smile. 

Traumas aside? The day he graduated from one of the top medical schools in the state, of course. He will never forget the day all his hard work paid off. His years of dedication to studying disease, of the years spent maintaining a perfect 4.0 GPA to keep his full-ride scholarship. Everything cumulated to that single day, and he’d never been prouder of himself. He knew his mother was proud of him too.

[anna-catherine-bruno]

Mental Illness & Following Jesus

It was one of my goals in 2019 to be more open. It was also one of my goals to get back to making these blog posts. So in light of Bell Let’s Talk, I’ve decided to do just those two things.

I’m not sure exactly where to start, but I know I cannot be the only Christian who is confused and tired by the way many believers approach mental health. I tend to get two overarching reactions when talking about mental health (as I do quite often as a psych undergrad student); one response entails speculation of dark powers driving the mental health issues in the people who have them, which usually comes with comments about praying for their problems, or demons, to go away. The other reactions tend to be ones of disbelief that it's really an illness, getting comments like “they just need to shake it off.” And even though as a Christian I do believe in an enemy at work, and I do believe in the power of prayer, I've come to realize that mental health, just like physical health, is not necessarily something we all will live without. I’m also very aware, and pleased to know, that people, Christian or not, are becoming more informed of what’s the deal behind mental health, and doing what they can to break the stigma. And to that, I say thank you! But this blog is being posted for those still on the fence. This isn’t a post to start a theological debate about mental health or argue whether a Christian should be healthy and prosperous all the time if they just have enough faith. This is to share my journey with mental health, as a Christian, and to share how good God is in all my messiness.

So to start, let me tell you about my imperfect self. A part of me who I just opened up about to my fiancé, my family, and some of my friends in the last two years, because before that it was regularly suggested to me to “just be thankful”, “pray for God to take it away” and not to share my struggles when sharing my story, because people will think I’m “looking for attention”.

P.S.: I still have a loud voice inside me telling me people will think I’m looking for attention, but I have a louder voice telling me I can’t hold back what God has done for me in my life.

My mental struggles, as far as I can remember, started when I was about 11. I dealt with the (sadly) common struggles most 11-year-olds deal with. Body issues. My body was beginning to change out of my lanky child figure, and I have pretty heartbreaking memories of being a young girl, not yet in high school, pinching my fat and bawling my eyes out alone in my basement on a weekly basis. Fast forward to age 15, being in high school, starting to take an interest in pimpled ridden, voice cracked, hormone surged 15-year-old boys. Something in me switched at that age. I went from being sad about my chub to obsessing over taking control over it. Hence, the bulimia started. Purging was something I planned to do only temporarily until the weight came off. The sad part of an eating disorder is the weight really isn’t the problem. At 16 I weighed 125 pounds at 5 foot 6 and was obsessed with losing more weight. The goal was always 99 pounds, and I only got to 117. So, year 16 and 17 of my life was P90X and purging on a daily basis.

We’ll come back to the eating disorder later because at 17 another wave hit me. Anxiety. It’s funny because all my life I would say “wow I’m feeling so anxious right now” or “that gives me so much anxiety” lightly until the anxiety actually came. It started in grade 11, I lost a lot of my high school friends (a lot of whom I’ve reconnected with and love more than ever today, thank God). I would cry almost every night thinking about my next day at school and the feelings of loneliness. I would often find myself in the girls' washroom hyperventilating. The anxiety carried into every aspect of my life, often manifesting into full-blown panic attacks; curled up in a ball, on the ground, seemingly out of nowhere, unable to catch my breath, sometimes for up to 15 minutes. After a pretty rough breakup, things got exponentially worse. For about 6 months I was getting about 2-3 hours of sleep a day, a great side effect of anxiety called insomnia, and I felt like I was drowning in fears, hopelessness and thoughts of suicide.

It was when I was 17 I first started seeing a psychologist. Fast forward another two years, and I’m doing better. I’ve learned how to manage the panic attacks, I dealt with the anxiety, and I was sleeping much better. What I didn’t know at nineteen, and which I know now, is I was still dealing with what I’ve been dealing with from the beginning. Depression. It’s kind of weird, but as I write that word, I have a smile on my face. We’ll get to why in a second.

At 19, as many of you know, and the reason this blog even exists, I went to L.A. to serve with Youth with a Mission Los Angeles. While I was there I shared my testimony countless times, often talking about anxiety, but avoiding depression and especially avoiding my past with an eating disorder, mostly because I became very close with girls who had eating disorders, and I got it into my mind that because I wasn’t institutionalized for it, it wasn’t really a problem and I shouldn’t bring it up. It was in Barcelona that year that I gave my life to Christ (yes, I was raised in the church. No, I didn’t know Jesus until I was 20). I came back for the summer, started dating my now fiancé, and went back for another few months where I grew so much more in my faith. It was some of the best times of my life.

I really believed everything that was ever wrong with me, everything messy in my life, was behind me. After growing so much in that year, surrounded by amazing people who were growing beside me, I felt free. The kicker is that I came home, started studying psychology (typical, a girl with mental issues goes on to study mental issues, isn’t that most of our stories?), and my “messy past” caught up to me eventually.

This past year I really faced my mental health, afraid, but head first. I realized a few things. One was that I have control issues. Many people who know and love me know that I get really, unwarrantedly upset if I get a grade below A. Sometimes they laugh until they see or hear how much I obsessed and beat myself up for not getting a perfect score. I work really hard to get the grades I do, and it’s looking like I’m going to graduate with somewhere between a 3.9-4.0 GPA, but I also have had a 2-year struggle of hating myself and ripping myself apart for not being absolutely perfect in everything I do. This mentality led to me trying to gain control and be “perfect” in other areas of my life. Yes, you guessed it, the purging began. At the beginning of 2018, I found myself back into my high school habits, and thank God I have a fiancé who was always there to listen and help me through it this time around. The depression also continued and still continues, although it comes more in waves nowadays and not a constant tug.

So, where am I going with this? I really hope you’ve read until this far because all this background story is just noise compared to the real point I’m trying to make. This year, despite my battle with mental illness, has been one of the best years of my life, and I can tell you why in five words: Christ is enough for me. Yes, you might have heard the song, but those words have never rung truer in my life. Maybe you’ve walked into a church that told you if you pray enough and if you believe enough, all your problems, physical, mental, financial, will go away. I know for a fact that isn’t true. We live in a really, really messed up, fallen world. We’re riddled with diseases, heartbreak, selfishness, pride, and battles we have to face every day. But one thing I know to be absolutely true is in the face of it all, Christ is enough. This year, learning to lean into the grace of God more and more each day, I discovered the awesome truth that I’m never going to be perfect, and it’s in my imperfections, my depression, my anxiety, that God gets to be glorified. I get to wake up knowing that there is a perfect God who has a plan for me. In the midst of my depression, I don’t feel hopeless anymore, because I know God will use me to reach and empathize with others struggling on a whole other level. When I’m feeling most anxious, my nervous system on fire, not able to sleep because I’m thinking of life and marriage and grad school, I’m also feeling the most peace I’ve ever felt, knowing that God is so much bigger than the battle in front of me. I realized this year, something I spoke about to so many women while in L.A., Mexico, Switzerland and Spain, that the goal was never to be perfect, the goal was never to be illness free. If it happens that I don’t have to deal with depression or anxiety one day, amen! But until then, the healing, peaceful, protective, full power of Christ is enough to carry me through. It’s in my weakness that God can shine, can be given the glory for why I wake up every day with a purpose, a light, and with hope. What I’m trying to say is summarized pretty well in the word of God, as it always is:

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I’m really not that great without Christ. I’m broken, I’m selfish, I fear, I fret, I want complete control. It’s only through knowing, seeking, loving and following Christ that I can live free, in my flawed body and spirit, I can trust in God’s promise that his power will be made perfect in my weakness and I can rest easy knowing God has such an incredible plan for my life.

It’s been on my heart to share this part of me for 3 years now, and I hope someone out there reading this is affected by my words. Maybe you’re dealing with mental illness, and you’ve been scared to open up about it to your family, friends or church. To you, I say that God’s perfection can’t be made whole if we’re too scared to show our weakness. A fundamental element of believing in Jesus is admitting we’re broken, and still believing He is so so good. If you’re someone who doesn’t deal with mental illness (first of all, thank you, Jesus, for that, cause that’s awesome and becoming more and more rare), maybe my words broke down a bit of the stigma around this topic. I hope you exit this page rethinking the way you see things like depression and anxiety. I’m not trying to make a point that we shouldn’t pray for healing in these areas, because I believe God can give us healing, but just as there are people who are bound to wheelchairs, who will never walk again, and who still praise and give glory to God, I believe we should open up about what binds our minds, even if we can never “shake it off” and still praise and give glory to God. We should be looking forward to the day we are united with Him, in our new bodies and mind, but until then allowing ourselves to be made perfect through His perfection, and not through striving for our own.

As a last note, because I know some will worry, through opening up to my family and diving deep with God into the body image issues behind it, I have been able to fight a good fight against my eating disorder, and I’ve been doing much better the last 8 months. My anxiety comes and goes, but that’s something I’ve been able to manage the best, thanks to lots of prayers, some cardio and good old deep breathing techniques! And the depression comes and goes in waves, but I’m no longer hopeless, which is a huge step forward.

I wish everyone reading this the absolute best, and know that I’m always here to talk (as a friend, as someone who’s been there, and as someone who happens to be studying this stuff and knows quite a bit on mental health, not just Jesus, haha). And I'm always open to talk about Christ if this is your first time reading about Jesus in this way. I'm an open book.

Thanks for listening, Anna.

Links

List of listening services in Quebec & Canada

List of suicide prevention lines worldwide

Online, anonymous emotional support

The only thing that really keeps me going

[azureday]

The first 10 years of my career

Year 0 (2012): I started college at American University with a chip on my shoulder. I went to a very good public high school, and had graduated as one of the worst students in my class with a 2.2 GPA. I played games and tennis in high school, and rarely went to class. By some fluke I also managed a near perfect SAT score, and this explains how I got into college, albeit not a very high ranked one (rank 85 in US). 

I studied my ass off for the first time in my life and got the highest grade in my Macroeconomics 100 lecture hall (out of 500), and was invited by the professor to participate in her research on Bankruptcy. I was paid $12 an hour, for 15 hours a week, and worked for a year as a Research Assistant. I maintained a 4.0 GPA. I was 18 years old. 

Year 1 (2013): I joined a fraternity, and through my work in bankruptcy research I got an internship at a well known analytics firm in Washington D.C. I was paid $15 and hour and worked 25 hours a week for a year. I started an education non-profit that grew to 50 students and $15,000 raised.  I maintained a 4.0 GPA.

Year 2 (2014): I studied abroad at the London School of Economics and got into a successful student consulting group. I consulted for a large non-profit in Africa and was paid $20/hr, working 15 hours a week for 6 months.  I maintained a 4.0 GPA. I then applied to Mckinsey, Facebook, and Riot Games internships, and passed interviews for all 3. I accepted the internship at Riot, though it was the lowest paying.

Year 3 (2015): My internship at Riot was very challenging. I was paid $27/hr and worked 100 hour weeks (overtime unpaid). There were two analytics interns. At the beginning of my internship, our manager told us that we and had been selected from over 40,000 applicants, and were competing for a single full time job. 

I remember skipping my 21st birthday celebration and working until 3am, when I poured myself a glass of champagne (gifted from other interns) and fell asleep my desk. I gained 25 pounds in 3 months. I got the full time offer. The other intern cried at her desk.

Year 4 (2016): I did nothing during senior year except lose weight and maintain my 4.0 GPA. I graduated 6 months early and blew my $25,000 signing bonus from Riot traveling to Korea, Japan, Mexico, and Las Vegas. I won a poker tournament. It was the best time of my life. I started my job at Riot and made $95,000/yr. I worked 90 hour weeks, and felt bad about the other 10. 

Year 5 (2017): I was promoted to Analyst II at Riot, making $120,000/yr. I started thinking about death, and questions like what I wanted from life. I started workshopping startup ideas with friends. I worked 70 hours a week. 

Year 6 (2018): My manager at Riot told me I had lost steam. I was working 50 hours a week. I quit and started a company with my friend who was a Software Engineer II at Google. He gave up $300,000 in Google RSUs. We were 24. 

Year 7 (2019): Our startup failed after 6 months. I did consulting on the side for FoxNext Games, which I joined full-time as a Product Manager, making $140,000/yr. 

Year 8 (2020): My manager at FoxNext asked me to lead Analytics. I reluctantly agreed. I became head of a team of 8, and was promoted to Senior PM after 6 months. I worked 50 hours a week. I realized I wasn’t doing real Product Management, and began to study on the side. I quickly became acclimated, partially due to my Analytics background. 

Year 9 (2021): I got the startup itch and left Scopely/Foxnext to join Manticore Games. I left after 3 months, realizing the product was going to fail. After interviewing around extensively, I joined Zynga as Senior PM. I worked 50 hours a week. 

Year 10 (2022): I was recruited by Amazon Games to be a Lead PM & Interim Head of Product for Lost Ark, a $1 billion / year game. I accepted the offer, then my game at Zynga was canceled. When I join Amazon, I’ll have 6 months to a year to prove that I can handle being Head of Product, or a more senior leader will be hired above me. I’m 28 years old.  

Overview:

Years 0 - 5 were fueled by failure. I worked the hardest I’ve ever worked and I was very unhappy. I have no friends from college. It was worth it. 

Years 6 - 10 were much happier. I met the girl I’m going to marry and I got to enjoy the benefits of my early efforts. I quickly made friends and celebrated my 28th with nearly 100 people. 

Years 10 - 15 will likely be another period marked by challenging work. I opted into this and I intend to succeed. 

Learnings & Opinions:

- Work harder than other people, especially early on

- Do one thing and aim to be the best. Don’t get distracted.

- Place yourself in environments that are challenging and force you to grow

- Prioritize money so you can have options later in life.

[overeducated]

Killing It As a STEM Student

As a recent biology/forensics grad, I look back on my undergraduate experiences and there’s a lot of things I’m glad I did and a few I regret not doing. For other students still in or about to begin their undergrad careers, here’s some things you can check out that are hella good for your resume, professional development, and scientific knowledge. And some Parks and Rec gifs, too, because they’re good for the soul.

1. Clubs

No, not those kinds of clubs. I’m talking about student groups on campus. Clubs can be great for any of your interests, from art to community service, but some clubs will also do wonders for your education and career. These are major- and career/specific groups like chemistry club, biology club, and pre-med club. The people you meet and connections you make with other students and professors involved in these clubs can be invaluable. There are also honor societies, some GPA-based and some major-based, that are great to get into for professional connections and for bragging rights. Developing and showcasing your leadership and writing skills is also always a great idea, so school newspapers and class office positions are more options for polishing up your talents and your resume. If you want a group that your school doesn’t have, look into establishing it yourself! It’s typically a fairly simple process, and you also then get to highlight that you’re the founder of a great campus group!

2. Outreach & Community Events

Some of these groups may get you involved in STEM-related events, but you can also get involved on your own as well. If your school has a science outreach club/program, join it! Please! I cannot stress enough how good it looks on your resume to grad schools and employers alike, and how good you’ll feel spreading what you know and sharing your knowledge in the best way. No program at your school? Establish one. Don’t want to go to all the trouble? Get involved in community events and outreach on your own or with some buddies! There are a wide variety of events that these may come in the form of, from educational pub crawls to large annual marches like the March for Science, whose website also has plenty of resources for planning and finding outreach events.

3. Mentors

Mentors can be HUGE influences on how your undergraduate experience and subsequent life turn out. They can be your assigned college advisers or just professors that you grow close to and come to love. Regardless of how they become your mentor, they can open many doors for you. They could hire you as a teaching assistant for their courses, they can write you killer letters of recommendation, they can introduce you to other professionals in the field, they can hook you up with internship and job opportunities, and do a million other things that you will never be able to thank them enough for. I really cannot  emphasize the incredible impact that having a good mentor can make for your education, career, and life. Not to mention that you often become good friends with them along the way.

4. Grades

Unfortunately, as much as these other things can give you a boost, you do still need to maintain a strong GPA. That being said, a perfect 4.0 is great, but grades will also not make or break your future on their own, so please don’t make yourself crazy over them. A good, realistic goal GPA range is usually 3.2 - 3.7. This range keeps you from falling too low on the scale without the pressure of constantly trying to reach and maintain a perfect average, which can drive students up the wall. If you do better, that’s stellar! Good for you! If you do a little worse, it’s not the end of the world, and you can regroup for the next semester and go back to trying to reach your realistic target range, or adjust your target to be a little higher to compensate. And remember, if you’re struggling, use your resources! Tutors, office hours, and Chegg are your friends. There is no shame in needing help, trying to catch up after falling behind, or having a lot of questions. There is, however, a lot of shame in knowing you could have done much better if only you had actually used all of the resources at your disposal.

5. Lectures

Of course there are your normal course lectures, and those are important, but there are usually occasional guest lecturers and speakers as well. Go to these talks! Whether it’s directly relevant to your interests or not, you will still be expanding your scientific knowledge and if you speak to the guest lecturer after the fact, you can make more valuable connections and work towards making a good name for yourself in the scientific community (trust me, there’s a lot of STEM people talking about other STEM people).

6. Conferences & Symposiums

Conferences are incredible, wonderful places where dozens, hundreds, or even thousands of scientists gather all in one place to share their work and make connections. This makes them ideal places for you, as a student, to be. If you have original research experience under your belt, such as work done through an internship or senior research project, presenting at a conference is a gigantic advantage for you. You get to share your hard work and findings, meet other people in the STEM community, and add to your CV that you’ve presented your work in a professional setting. These are all fantastic bonuses that you should 100% take advantage of. Even if you don’t have work of your own to present, just going to network can still help build your list of contacts in your industry and if you’re actually passionate about the field (which I hope you are if you’re majoring in it), it’s extremely mentally stimulating. People have met future employers, graduate school recruiters, and sources of funding at conferences and symposiums across the globe, and you never know who you’ll meet there. Additionally, some schools and departments have specific money set aside in their budgets for sending students and faculty to conferences. Check with your mentor or adviser to see if you can take advantage of such a perk! There are also some grants intended to provide for students who want to attend conferences, which can be alternative sources of funding for any expenses. Here are some resources for finding upcoming conferences in your field: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.

7. Jobs & Internships

When it comes right down to it, hands-on experience is a nearly unbeatable ally to have in your corner. Whether it’s an internship, being a teaching assistant, cleaning and setting up glassware for classes, tutoring, or research experience, any relevant experience instantly gives you, and your resume, a huge increase. Talk to members of your department, your school’s career center, check job boards, and take advantage of LinkedIn. And remember that anything is better than nothing. Bonus points if you know (or think you know) where you want to work or go to grad school after finishing undergrad and can nail down a spot there to get your foot in the door early. And speaking of early, it is literally NEVER too early to start. Whether you’re in your last semester of undergrad or a freshman in high school, experiences are experiences, and connections are connections. A longer work/internship history typically makes you look more knowledgeable and reliable to schools and employers, and it can provide you with more professional references that can attest to your skills and competency. If you can’t find anything relevant to your field, though, don’t sweat it. Even if you get stuck working as a cashier for a summer instead of getting a cool research internship, you’re still showing that you can hold a job and you’ll be racking up some money, too. Also, if you can’t find a job or internship that’s relevant to your field, see if you can find a lab or employer that will let you volunteer there for experience. Every little bit helps!

So...

Hopefully this helps you navigate the scientific waters a little more smoothly, and provides some guidance on the things you can be doing to improve yourself and your future in between study sessions. Good luck and reach out to me if you have any questions!

- Lindsey

[savrenim]

Hey! Not sure if you answered this before, but what was your academic journey to grad school? Like in highschool did you take AP? Act/Sat? Did you need like A grades to get into college/uni? How's your undergrad years! What was your undergrad? If it's too personal/time consuming then you don't need to answer 🌸 but it would be really appreciated if you do! Good luck with all your studies! PS. I find kinship in the random anons on your blog. IDK why, but I guess it's like being in an egg carton.

No it’s fine, mostly my….academic journey is an outlier? like, it is by far above and beyond the things you need to succeed and get into grad school, and I have a lot of friends who didn’t have any sort of GPA or history like mine who are doing really well in grad school and have gotten into really good places.

I was a straight A student in grammar school and middle school; by the time I was in 8th grade, we got % grades instead of A, B, C, and I had a 99.875% but only because the 99 in math came from the fact that the teacher believed only Jesus was perfect so he didn’t give 100’s. My real percentage in math I believe was close to a 105, because I’d done a lot of extra credit.

I went to a private high school as well, pretty much entirely on scholarship, because my parents were paranoid about quality of education where I lived and I could. I tested out of Geometry despite the fact that I hadn’t taken it by bugging said 8th grade math teacher to give me a 2-month crash course, and then taking the Geometry Honors final from the prior year and getting….I think an 87? either way, it was enough to get me out of the course. I took AP classes the moment that I was allowed to; over my high school career, I took AP US History, AP European History, AP English Literature, AP English Language, and AP Calculus BC. I got 5’s on all of them. I also took the ACT and got 35/36 (and similar scores on all the subject tests…I think 1 34, counterbalanced by a 36?), although the ACT never really mattered to places I was applying. I was the closest thing our (non-competitive) fencing team had to a captain. I was in choir, and sometimes took on solo performances. I played fairly substantial roles in the musical every year. I also wrote a full draft of a novel that…I’ve still got, actually, and am trying to turn into an actual novel. I got straight A’s; I think my weighted GPA at the end of my high school career was a 4.63? 4.0 unweighted.

I’m also a high school dropout. Technically. But that was because I applied to college a year early, got in, got full scholarship, and the college said that they didn’t need a high school diploma or GED from me, so I went “peace” and then left home to go to college.

there was family drama going down at the same time and this was more a move to escape a hella abusive environment than me actually caring about going to college early, although also at the time I’d taken all of the math and physics classes my school had to offer, and didn’t want to spent senior year bored.

My first two years of college were fairly difficult for me because I was not aware of the fact that I was bipolar and started having more and more severe manic and depressive episodes, culminating in being hospitalized a week during spring semester of my sophomore year. You would not be able to tell any of this from my transcripts; while I was no longer getting straight A’s, it had gone down to an A- a semester, and I think a single B somewhere in there; my overall cumulative GPA was a 3.85. Still, I wasn’t particularly happy where I was at because it was small, in the middle of nowhere, and I’d just been through hell and wanted to start fresh, so I took my AA with highest distinction and applied to a whole bunch of transfer schools. I decided to go to the single one that gave me enough financial aid for that to be feasible.

(I am not going to say what my undergrad was, because I don’t like to post any sort of information on the internet that is specific enough for people to track me down. It was a very nice liberal artsy place.)

I stayed there for three years, as a combination of I wanted time to recover, I knew that I wanted to get into a hardcore serious graduate school and thus wanted professors to know me a lot better so that they could write letters of recommendation, and I wanted to properly joint-major in math and physics and needed the time to fit all of the classes in my schedule so that it would be slightly less hellish. Like, there was a semester where I was taking Real Analysis, Complex Analysis, Classical Mechanics, and Modern Physics — with a lab — and acting as a course tutor/ta for Dynamical Systems all at the same time. I wasn’t really “taking it easy.” But eh, whatever. I got straight A’s in every single math class I took, and I think….one B in physics, and a couple of A-’s sprinkled in sometimes, but otherwise straight A’s. I did research during the summers, published three papers in both math and physics, and presented at two conferences. And thus got into a couple pretty good grad schools and some nice fellowship offers and actually got to make a choice and I could not be happier with the place that I ended up.

Which, like, absolutely everything about my life story is so much overkill, please do not try to be like me, not only is it not necessary but it literally nearly killed me sometime in the middle there.

[scrambledthoughtz]

reflections

it’s a weird time right now for sure. i’m feeling a mix of emotions. relief. pride. happiness. disappointment. frustration. confusion. boredom. 

so there’s a lot that’s been running through my head, but it’s kind of been swelling up and dying down, so i’ve never really thought that it’s been worth to note down. 

well, to begin with, i got into all the UC’s i applied to. UC Berkeley, UCLA, UC Davis, UC Irvine, UC San Diego, UC Santa Barbara, and UC Santa Cruz. i’m honestly still in shock. so. much. shock. i know i worked hard at Ohlone, but there’s also a part of me that knows that i could have worked harder. there’s a part of me that really, really wonders: why me? how? how did this even happen? what did i do to deserve this? admittedly, there’s a part of me that was like, oh. if i could do it, then it can’t possibly be that hard. i didn’t even get a 4.0 gpa. i really don’t think i could have had the essays polished to the point that they were without my friend. i felt a familiar frustration & guilt, like the tugging feeling at the bottom of my stomach when i had received an A on my country report, when in reality, the morning that it was due, i had woken up and found my report typed and finished by my mom. that A was HER accomplishment, not mine. while, yes, i did anxiously sit on that cruise in France, late at night, taking advantage of the espresso machine, writing out drafts upon drafts of ideas on paper, i can’t help but think that i don’t really deserve this. my friend’s an incredible writer, and there was a lot of rephrasing that she did to make my essays sound more poignant and compelling, and i can’t help but think that it wasn’t 100% my work. but of course i’m proud of myself. a little too proud of myself, for that matter. looking back, my ego swells as i admit to myself that i worked harder than some of my classmates, and that i really put in the effort to graduate with a near-perfect gpa. (fuck you geography & ethics, by the way). i recognize that i didn’t have to put 100% into my assignments to do well. there’s a part of me that feels guilty about those A’s, knowing that i didn’t put my blood, sweat, and tears into earning them. but well, with all that being said, i think i really did take the time to bask in my glory. i unapologetically blabbed it all over my social media to say the least lol.

i’m not going to lie -- deciding between UC Berkeley and UCLA was one of the hardest decisions that i’ve ever had to make. i still cannot CANNOT believe that i turned down Berkeley. i still remember worrying throughout that entire week, knowing that it would end with my Berkeley decision. i was so grateful to have work that day, so that i could take my mind off the anxiety. wow. wow, wow, wow. when i took a few deep breaths, closed my eyes, clicked “status update” and saw the words “congratulations”? oh my god the pure ELECTRICITY that shot through my body in those few initial seconds before my mind caught up. i wish i could bottle up that feeling and cherish it forever. there are few moments that i have been so so shocked, confused, and awe-struck, all at the same time. I GOT INTO BERKELEY, I GOT INTO BERKELEY i screamed as i practically glided over the stairs. i was shaking, my mind was racing, and i felt like i couldn’t catch a full breath from the pure excitement that took over my body and mind. i felt like i was floating the rest of the day. my family and i went on a gorgeous hike that evening, but i could barely comprehend my surroundings, i was too busy checking who had seen my Instagram story. who had sent me “congratulations” in my dm’s. i honestly wish i had filmed my reaction. it was so organic -- the pure emotion. admittedly, it was almost like the rest of the decisions took a backseat. i opened each with the expectation of getting in. i hate, hate, hate to say that bc i should have been so much more grateful to get into these schools. high school me would have burst into tears from pure joy from getting into any of the UC’s. in hindsight, i should have appreciated it more. it’s just the thought of: “wow, you want me??? but wait -- i’ve spent the last four (and two) years of my life wanting YOU!” 

once i got into berkeley, the only other decision that mattered to me was UCLA. i had been told that people rarely get into both, so i didn’t hold my hopes up too high. i knew that it was hard to get into, and i was already over the moon about the fact that i had gotten into Berkeley. but secretly, i knew i would be a little disappointed if i didn’t get in. i was expecting a waitlist, at least. UCLA came out the latest, on the same day as UCSD. my friend had told me that it was coming out at 5 pm, so i naturally spent the entire day trying to tamper down my nerves. i remember i had driven my sister to the ATM that evening when my friend texted me that it came out. immediate butterflies. i drove home and took a few deep breaths. i’ll just open it to get it over with i told myself. i was already shaking a little when i saw that a status update had been posted. oh, my god let me tell you. when i saw the blue banner at the top of the page reading “congrats, you’re bruin bound!” i could. not. believe. it. both Berkeley AND LA???? this was too good to be true. i needed to pinch myself a few times. I GOT INTO LA, I GOT INTO LA, I GOT INTO LA!!!!! i was screaming and shaking. i couldn’t believe it. 

in my 9th grade health class, our teacher had us each write a letter to our future self, for our senior selves to read. my 9th grade self had hoped that my senior self would get into UCLA. i can’t really explain it -- i’ve just always, always wanted to go to UCLA. needless to say, senior self was angry and disappointed that she had not lived up to her past self. but wow. wow, wow, wow. if freshman self saw current self. i don’t know what she would say. i think she would be at a loss for words too. but she would be ecstatic. current self certainly is. i can’t explain why i’ve always gravitated towards UCLA. i’ve never even visited lol. but i think that (kind of irrational) emotional connection was hard to dismiss when i was deciding. but of course, this decision did not come easy by any means. i was pretty set on going to Berkeley at one point (and believe me -- had i not gotten into LA, i would have HAPPILY gone to Berkeley, no doubt about it). that morning, i woke up with the intention of committing to Berkeley, but then i just started sobbing. i was shaking and crying and i couldn’t stop. i think that was a turning point for me (-ish lol). my friend called it my “coming-of-age movie moment”, which is honestly kind of accurate. it’s like that moment in Ladybird when she decides to follow her heart and dreams and move to New York City to pursue her education. 

now, with that being said, thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank x a million to Berkeley for this opportunity. oh my god, i still can’t believe you wanted me. it’s of the highest honor to be considered among your applicant pool, and i really wish i could have just gone to both schools. thank you, Berkeley. so, so, so much. from the bottom of my heart. you will really always hold a special place in my heart. Berkeley is practically my second home, having visited my grandma every weekend. i’m pretty sure i could navigate a good portion of Telegraph, College Ave, University, and Solano without a gps, and that’s saying a lot. thank you, Berkeley. really. maybe grad school, hopefully? anyways, i’ve made up my mind. i took a leap of faith, and there’s no looking back.

[thcodcre]

beep beep hey y’all ,, ur local gremlin ‘n dumpster dweller here but u can call me kay !! don’t mind the trash like state of my blog atm i just have attachment issues from old threads when i was previously in this lovely group. but yes !! feel free to yell at me in my it’s if u wanna plot or just *youtuber vc* smash that like button and i’ll slide on over for plots !!

( tom holland / twenty-one / he&him ) is that ( theodore caldwell ) ordering a ( white chocolate mocha ) at mocha? i heard they’re a ( paralegal ) who’s known as the ( polymath ) around here. however, they say ( theo ) is very ( pragmatic ), but ( headstrong ). well, better get their drink before it gets cold!

okie so first things first ,,ya boy’s full name is theodore dashiell caldwell but prefers the nickname of theo to those close to him bc it’s simpler and doesn’t like how proper it sounds ,,given in the public sphere he’s known by his full name but only those who get the Seal of Approval get to call him teddy,,, he was born in brooklyn, new york to virginia caldwell ( the current united states ambassador to the united nations and ex-chief executive officer of greenpeace ) and quentin caldwell ( current new york senator and democratic whip minority leader in congress )

while v democratic and liberal in beliefs, theo was always v uncertain about following a path that strayed away from what his parents expected of him since both are v established in the political world so theo always felt like he had to put forth this perfect appearance of himself so he was worthy to be boasted about by his parents to colleagues and political opponents alike with his academics, accomplishments, etc.

due to him being brought up in the public eye as his parents built their respective careers ( lowkey trash in viewing his parents as frank and claire underwood but with more chill rip ), theo didn’t have many friends so partly as a way to give him a hobby to pursue outside of school and to meet new friends, his parents signed up a 5 year old theo for language lessons and a soccer lessons ,,,u know ,, lil kid things ,,, so it’s here that begins theo’s love for languages bc he’s a nerd and a bit of a polyglot but as of now he’s fluent in italian, spanish, french, german, russian and latin ,, ur boy is currently learning arabic and mandarin

being raised by his parents meant that theo was brought up with the caldwell ambition and hard work ethic, believing in order to succeed you must work hard for what you want and that change can only be made in the world if you fight enough for it. this transferred over to theo’s academic standing who worked to keep up his 4.0 gpa


for real though,,,theo was the kid in all ap classes and managed to seem effortlessly cool but also was a giant ass nerd ?? ask him about harry potter, star wars or marvel ( bring up dc to him and he will rant off on why marvel is better ) and he’ll sure as hell have a vocal opinion ( don’t get him started on hp,,,snape was a bully and can choke,,,while draco is his fave that he’ll defend forever )


on top of him being a raging nerd, he was also a big activist while in high school and was that kid handing out flyers for an upcoming protest to the school board demanding for healthier school lunches and fair prices for such since the unhealthy options were much cheaper, and standing on cafeteria tables for change in school policies


at the time he was a smol in the local private catholic school so he often got beat up from the sports teams ( i’m just a lil emo picturing tom is the school uniform and internally crying nbd ) for protesting school fundings being unfairly distributed, more often than not benefiting the sports teams rather than the drama department, the art department or even better academic resources


im gettin emo thinkin of lil theo and lil tom wearing uniform blazers and being a lil politician in the making  r…ip me,,but yes so he graduates valedictorian and accepted into princeton as a politics major of which theo had to nearly threaten his dad not to donate money for a new library to sway his acceptance

it’s during theo’s time at princeton that he truly begins to find himself and grows more confident ??? gone are the days of string bean theo and bada bing bada boom enter tom’s spider-man physique bc theo starts taking more care of himself and just v self assured in his place in the world and just wanting to help people and make a change ?? for now he just wants to make a difference as a lawyer and maybe work for the state and maybe down the line turn political ,, but he’s debating whether to go aim toward corporate, constitutional law, or international humanitarian law

since the past few years in college have been super !!! especially throwing in helping out his parents with appearances, stress of keeping up his grades, and generally running off of caffeine and the determination of elle woods ,, theo is taking a year or so off to steady himself but he got an internship position at baker & mckenzie law firm here in chicago as a paralegal to get some experience in the field before going off to harvard law ,, plus his dad has connections that may have tilted the scale in theo’s favor for the job but theo is a bit ,, naive in his optimism 

overall though theo is the least bit pretentious person and is a p chill dude,,,understands his privilege and knows that not everyone is born into money like his family is,.,, loves helping people and just wants the world to be a better place ??? v openly liberal in terms of political beliefs and 10/10 would fight donald trump and jeff sessions in a heartbeat do it for the vine


likes to think he’s kinda cool but don’t let him fool u he is a Nerd ,,,will probably rant off to u about harry potter and why draco malfoy is not only the best character but why he and the slytherin house are done dirty and snape can choke ,..also list an abundance of reasons as to why he will defend tony stark until the end of his days ,,,also probably has a collection of iron man comics and harry potter wands bye

his sense of humor is the worst i swear legit it’s all pop culture references with a mixture of shitty puns and jokes beware ,, he’s extremely level headed though and knows how to make good decisions, pragmatic as shit but can often lead to him being very over-analytical and dwelling on things too much

v charismatic and loves talking to people,,,and this isn’t a personality trait,,,well maybe considering he’s fashionable as shit and loves cardigans and button down shirts and chelsea boots,,,but also loves to be casual in joggers and a light shirt,,,but his fave designers are paul smith, ted baker and givenchy
 bc i hate him

[youknowyouhaveadhdwhen]

Hey guys, I haven't been on in a while, but I have something to tell you. I got a 4.0 with 18 credits this semester in college for the first time ever. I literally cried. I have never be able to that. With that being said, I would love to share the things I have learned about college with the ADHD mind

Yes I was on medication, but I also was my freshman and first semester of sophomore year and I definitely didn’t get those grades.

Another message is I didn’t come close to these grades in high school. Even when I finally got medication. You highschoolers can certainly do it, but just remember that it gets easier in college. The work may be harder, but the college environment is just magical for the ADHD brain.

So here are the things I’ve learned to help me boost my GPA 

1. The classes you take and in what order matter. Sometimes you don't have a choice, but try to plan your classes the best you can. My lowest GPA semester was when I took anatomy, physics and a level 3 Spanish class i was forced into when i wanted level 1. Three heavy classes was bound to take a toll on me. Try to mix "easy" and hard classes. Or a hard class with a great professor. Try to check rate my professor before picking a class. Some professors just don’t want to see you succeed

Always do the best you can do, but if you don't do well remember you tried.

Make sure to always keep in contact with your dean to make sure your on track to graduate.

 2. *HAVE A STUDY GROUP* !!!!! Soo important. I have a main group, but within that group is my main study friend. We set goals together and try to take most of the same classes together. This semester we said we were going to get a 4.0 and we pushed each other till we both did. And that leads me to point 3.. 

 3. Always organize study materials! My study group makes a google docs and we put definitions, diagrams and notes in an organized, highlighted way. Some of our study sheets for one test can be 30 pages long. It's hard to do that alone. If you don't have a study sheet to learn from, your going to be stuck flipping through your book and that can waste time. Yes read the textbook if that helps you or your instructed to do so, but when it comes down to crunch time and you have 2 days left to study, you have to just study the main points.

 4. Organize your study plan ahead of time. Make all flash cards, Quizlets( my go to) , notes before!! That could take hours and your stuck with perfect materials but no time to learn them. I try( doesn't always happen) to make them after each lecture, or hw. Ask your prof how the format will be because you don't wanna start too early and find out is not even on that topic. 

 5. Know what works best for you when it's time to study- If a quiet environment works do it, if you need to be around people to keep you focused do it! Although I have a study group, I definitely need time to review on my own. I need hours alone with just my notes to memorize.

 6. Figure out of the Mozart effect works for you-  for the longest time I didn't like music when studying. Music was very distracting, but then I found this ! Binaural beats! I thought it was fake, but it really helped me retain soooo much and it helped me keep my focus. 

  Do your research on it see if there are any side effects for any special cases.

7. USE YOUR ACCOMMODATIONS- if you don’t have them yet, you should get them. Do not be embarrassed, people will wonder where you are during every test, who cares. Get the extra time or a quiet room you deserve. 

8. Sit in the front in every class- You will be less inclined to go on internet and zone out your professor is right in front of you being super loud. Get to class early to get your seat until it becomes your ‘unassigned, assigned seat’ or use your accommodations to have that seat saved for you.  

 I know my other points were mostly about studying and less about the other parts of class that can get you to your grade goal. But some general tips for that is always start work ahead of time. Always leave time for procrastination and other assignments,When you get your assignment, plan the essay or start looking for the answers in a relaxed area. You will feel more inclined to do it if you don't feel pressure. I like to sit with coffee or snack and just highlight the stuff that might help me, or find some citations for the paper. Just the really basic stuff. Then the next time,I  just start the introduction. The hardest part is to find a direction for the paper. Then do it by pages or paragraphs. Divide it for how ever many days you have till it's due. Try to have it done at least 3 days before the deadline so you can get some one to check it and you have time for corrections. I hope someone can find something useful from this. if you want for info on anything or a part 2 to this post I will certainly do one. 

I know it's summer time but I'll share it again when school rolls around in August/September. I hope everyone enjoys their summer