#i always have more thoughts about them but. asdflkjasdlkfjaeskdlfjslkdjf waaaaaaa

[pocketsizedquasar]

the THING. the thing the thing the thing. the thing about ahab and starbuck. is that to each other. starbuck is devotion without trust. and ahab is trust without devotion.

starbuck is SO devoted to ahab. like, unhealthily devoted to him. like “some ineffable thing has tied me to him; tows me with a cable I have no knife to cut” devoted to him. like “I misdoubt me that I disobey my God in obeying him!” devoted; like “stares down the barrel of ahab’s gun pointed at him and keeps his cool” devoted to him, like “recognizes that the only way home to his family, home to his wife and child, is by refusing ahab, and yet still he chooses ahab, chooses him over and over again over himself, over his crew, over his own survival, over his own God, chooses his captain over his wife and his child and making it home to them” devoted to him. over everything, starbuck chooses ahab.

but he doesn’t trust him. of course he doesn’t; why would he? he’s no reason to trust him; he knows ahab is going to lead them all to their deaths no matter what starbuck says. he tries and tries and tries over and over again to get ahab to turn around and it’s never enough.

and ahab. ahab trusts starbuck--as much as he can trust anyone. that trust is not always there -- especially not at the beginning; it grows throughout the book. starbuck is truly the only one on this boat with the means to stop ahab, and he knows it. ahab wants him on his side, spends time winning him over, is pleased when he thinks it’s worked -- “starbuck is now mine” (gay as hell to--). but even then, there is a level of trust there -- stubb talks back to ahab and he immedediately and commandingly shuts that shit down, but starbuck? ahab listens to him. even changes his mind for him in certain places, listening to starbuck over his own wants. immediately after holding him at gunpoint (lmao) he gives in to starbuck’s request because he knows he’s right. “thou art but too good a fellow, starbuck.” and in the very end, when he needs help to be hoisted up into the rigging because he is unable to make it up on his own with his prosthetic, ahab decides to trust starbuck with his life over everyone else -- over the harpooners, over fedallah, over everyone -- to hold the line that would keep him alive: “Take the rope, sir—I give it into thy hands, Starbuck.” starbuck could easily kill him here -- let go of the rope and send him plunging 100 feet to a shattered death on the deck of the pequod, and ahab trusts him with his life. take my life, starbuck; i’m putting it in your hands. he trusts starbuck to stay on the ship while he goes off to hunt the white whale.

but still, still, ahab does not truly ever choose starbuck. he cares for him, certainly -- he wants starbuck to stay on the ship and be safe while he goes off -- but still, ahab chooses his vengeance over him. he trusts starbuck enough to see god in his eyes, trusts him enough to lean against him for support, to let starbuck physically hold him up when his leg is snapped, trusts him enough to gaze into his eyes and lean in his arms and ask him to brush the hair from his tired wrinkled brow and still still still still doesn’t choose him. starbuck chooses ahab over everything and ahab chooses his iron-railed path over starbuck. “What is it, what nameless, inscrutable, unearthly thing is it; what cozening, hidden lord and master, and cruel, remorseless emperor commands me; that against all natural lovings and longings, I so keep pushing?”

devotion without trust. i will follow you into the hell i know you’re bringing us to. i will hold your life in my hands. even though i cannot trust you to protect me and do right by me and our crew. trust without devotion. i will put my life in your hands. i will trust you with everything i have. even though i cannot choose you over the fate i was assigned.

im mentally unwell about them.