#i am EXTREMELY insecure about my writing but whatever....

[zivazivc]

Oooh! I'm very curious about the 'MLffic acrocat začetek.'

okay okay, I made this file back when I actually thought I was going to turn the acrocat AU into a proper fanfic.

But aside from a very rough large chunk of the first chapter and some random bits, this story is pretty much up in the air. I might publish some random scenes in the future but that's as close as I'm willing to get to writing a proper multichapter story because writing takes a lot out of me, and for me it's much more of a leisurely hobby than drawing.

That's why I'm posting the whole start of the fic that I have written out since I doubt it'll ever see the day otherwise. especially since i don't like it that much anymore.

I have to repeat tho, it's very rough with lots of grammatical mistakes - even for me whose writing isn't exactly up there... but i’m not a native english speaker and this is a "wip game" so you probably already expect that...

“Pound it!”

The butterfly had been purified, the victim saved, and all the destruction had been restored to the Stravinsky Fountain and its surrounding buildings.

Police had already arrived on the scene minutes ago, worrying over the de-akumatized soaking wet man in his early twenties, whose friends were still being hurried over, and over the few Parisians who got caught in his final outburst around the monument. 

Headlights of a news van, that seemed to operate an emergency night shift, were visible getting closer driving down the street along the Pompidou Centre, hoping to catch a glimpse of the Paris super heroes on camera and possibly get a comment on the event.

Chat Noir had detached himself from the comotion happening on the other end of the playful, colorful fountain as he stared at his partner’s smile behind their fist bump of a job well done.

“We’re getting good, M'Lady. We didn’t even need to use my Cataclysm for this one,” he said confidently and leaned his cocky grin closer to her. Water dripped from his wet bangs and chin, which was sadly ruining the irresistibly charming look he was trying to pull off.

Ladybug to his surprise didn’t even react with her usual smirk. Her unfocused eyes showed no reaction if she heard his remark or not, seemingly lost in thought. As if on autopilot, she took a step back onto the pool ledge and immediately threw her yoyo over Chat’s head, which hooked around the top of the Church of Saint-Merri behind him.

Chat almost got upset for a second that Ladybug was in such a hurry to get away. Was she actually mad about the lighthearted funny comments he’d made earlier? 

But the way the girl glanced over her shoulder and blinked focus into her eyes told him that wasn't it and she just wanted to get out of there before they could get flooded with reporters again.

Her eyes finally sharpened on him, proving to him that she had been listening. “Massage your ego all you want, kitty, but this Akuma just wasn’t all that strong,” she smirked at him teasingly, as if she had only now let his words register in her mind.

Before Chat could react she already pulled herself to the roof, away from the bright lights and curious onlookers, and Chat Noir was quick to follow her with his elongated staff, not giving her a chance to swing out of his sight.

“My claws are a little too sharp for massages. Maybe you could give me a hand?” he said as they ran over the church roof.

Ladybug laughed but didn’t spare him a glance as she jumped across the street on the other side and zipped onto the closest building and onward. Her costume kept disappearing out of sight behind chimneys or trees for only seconds at a time but Chat held his breath each time, anticipating to see her reappear on the other end.

Jumping, swinging and vaulting over the roofs, with their hair and faces against the still night air felt almost like an adrenaline high game of cat and mouse. So once they stopped a few hundred meters away behind a wide wall of chimney pots and Ladybug spoke up with an unusually serious tone it caught Chat Noir off guard.

His ears perked up. He hadn’t heard her sound so thoughtful and troubled in a while but her expression was the same as the one back at the fountain. It wasn’t her usual sharp eyes and concentrated frown like during their battles when she needed to figure out her lucky charm. Her gaze was far away on something intangible.

“I wonder what Hawk Moth’s up to…”

Chat hadn’t given too much thought to the villain lately. Fighting the akumas had become such a routine that sometimes he almost forgot they had a source.

He was quiet as he followed the girl and sat down beside her on the cold metal roofing, their legs splayed down the sloping roof in front of them.

“What did he think he’d achieve with akumatizing someone who’s nearly blind drunk? The only tough thing about this akuma was trying to judge if moving out of the way of his swings was necessary or not.”

Chat snorted quietly. That was how the fight had moved from the exterior of the Pompidou Centre, where they were trying to get him bound with Ladybug’s yoyo to one of the pillars, all the way down to the Stravinsky Fountain. Ladybug had jumped out of the way of the Akuma’s swing—the swing that missed and then hit her dead center because she moved. She was sent flying directly into the sculpture of plum bright red lips that she knocked over, spraying water everywhere. The sight hadn’t exactly been funny as it happened but once he reached her and was assured that she was fine, Chat couldn’t help but grin at her sitting comfortably on giant lips, soaking wet. He asked if she was trying to make him jealous. Ladybug rolled her eyes and whacked his shoulder for that one.

Honestly the whole fight in the fountain was absurdly hilarious in hindsight, Chat now thought.

“I’m just glad neither of us got barfed on.”

This time he saw Ladybug’s shoulders shake in a chuckle but no sound came.

A silence fell between them and Chat used it to tussle his hair with his hand, trying to get rid of the last remains of fountain water he had gotten splashed in his face right after Ladybug called her restoring power which dried both of them up along with fixing all the damage the akuma and the battle caused. He had kind of asked for it—jokingly commenting that the magically restored mermaid statue in the fountain next to which Ladybug stood had nothing on her aqua form. Ladybug’s face had turned red from the remark and Chat’s grin, and she kicked water at him that thankfully couldn’t soak through his magical suit but got his face and bangs wet again nonetheless.

Chat Noir was brought out of his thoughts when Ladybug spoke up again.

“This whole week, it’s like Hawk Moth decided to switch to quantity over quality...”

Chat’s green eyes glowed bright for just a second when he turned his head and light from a nearby street lamp got reflected in them. The dark of the night and the extra shadow from the chimney behind them made even Ladybug’s bright red costume next to him almost invisible to any prying eyes in the street below them. But his cat vision allowed him to fully take in her expression. The slight frown and the shadow of her wrinkled brows under the mask, her eyes still lost in thought.

He still wanted to joke about the recent battle shenanigans but dropped it when the serious mood finally set in with him. His smile disappeared.

Ladybug’s earrings beeped for the first time and she lifted her hand to gently touch one. Her mouth parted with a low exhale but she didn’t get up to leave. She continued staring into the distance until she finally sensed Chat Noir’s gaze on her. Her big blue eyes looked directly at him and she raised her brows questionably.

Chat straightened up. He should say something instead of dragging Ladybug’s bad mood with his silence.

“That might be a good thing!” he flipped his wrist encouragingly. “Maybe he’s getting impatient. Which means he’ll get sloppy.”

Ladybug hummed. She didn’t sound assured.

The two had to deal with six of Hawk Moth’s Akumas in the last five days. It was true that they hadn't been very powerful or strong-willed but Chat Noir understood that didn’t mean they weren’t supposed to be taken any less seriously. If anything, the frequency of them was putting a serious toll on Adrien’s life. As if intentionally planned, all the Akuma emergencies this week had to have taken place while he was busy with one of his scheduled unpostponable responsibilities. It made Chat wonder if he had the worst luck ever or if his schedule had really been that packed for this week. At least tonight he had been free in his room doing homework when the Akuma alert showed up on his phone and he didn’t have to blurt out ‘stomachache’ or something even more embarrassing before running off from one responsibility to the next one.

Chat Noir didn’t want to dwell on the fact that Adrien’s life was a mess at the moment. But from what he could guess, Ladybug’s was too if her current mood happened to have more than one source… 

“Maybe…” the girl exhaled tiredly beside him, and proved his suspicion correct with her next words, “but my civilian life’s going to become harder and harder to keep up with if this goes on. And I can’t afford to get careless there! I have a miracle box to keep safe! If anyone finds out my-”

Chat Noir laid a hand on hers to stop her from over-stressing herself. “No one’s going to find out your identity.” 

Her shoulders fell and she finally smiled back.—Gratefully, and Chat’s heart soared. 

Ladybug turned her hand over to intertwine their fingers and turned to stare up at the night sky.

A dozen butterflies decided to come to life in Chat Noir’s stomach in that one second. They were holding hands! Should he point it out? Should he say anything? No, this wasn’t the time for one of his flirtatious comments. Ladybug needed reassurance. And it would just ruin the moment even if it was only his.

He could feel his face heating up but he tried to ignore it. He bit his tongue and tore his eyes from the small hand in his clawed one and followed the girl’s gaze.

It had still been somewhat light outside when the Akuma showed up but now white stars dotted the black sky above the orange haze.

Ladybug’s earrings beeped a second time and Chat felt the girl squeeze his hand as if to suck out some of the confidence and reassurance he had tried to offer to her before letting go of him and laying her hands in her lap, starting to fidget with her fingers nervously.

Chat Noir didn’t know what to do with his empty hand either and once he laid it back on the roof he was disappointed to feel the cold metal suck all the warmth right out of it.

“Aren’t you a bit too confident about that? Don’t your friends and family wonder where you disappear to all the time?” Ladybug asked carefully.

They tried to avoid any conversations about their civilian lives but Chat was sympathetic of her need to bring that up, although he himself didn’t like to think about it. At least not about his life. Not while he was Chat Noir. It was bad enough when such thoughts crept up on him, but starting them actively was almost like a punishment. Like thinking about homework while at an amusement park.

Ladybug wanted this conversation and his mental wall caved in quickly.

Regarding his friends, they weren't so difficult to dodge. Being allowed to hang out with them had often been a new battle to be won against his father or Nathalie. And that was no longer news to them. So they no longer questioned his flakiness if he canceled their plans at the last minute or had to cut a hangout short. Sudden photo shoots, fittings, meetings and whatnot were handy excuses to blurt out before changing into Chat Noir behind the nearest corner. A stinging conscience was a side effect he had learned to ignore through the years of his upbringing. 

His home was a different story however. Despite the fact that his father rarely found the time to be in the same room as him he was still smothered by him in some sense of the word. Adrien had a strict schedule he had to follow. Everywhere he went he was monitored by Nathalie or his bodyguard, and Father's rules. Finding loopholes in the curriculum was practically an art form he'd been perfecting for a while. Although he had come to realize it wasn't handy for spontaneous Akuma missions that often came at the worst of times.—Example: this whole week.—School, fencing, basketball, karate, photo shoots, runways, social events, evening tutoring, Chinese lessons, and the new Japanese course he had recently had dumped on him weren't exactly things he could postpone for an hour and then come back to like at least homework and studying were. He had to come up with most excuses on the spot for why he would or had disappeared, and hope that Nathalie would wrap them up with a nice bow before passing them to his father. 

Chat Noir’s mind was rambling and his silence forced Ladybug to redirect her gaze from the starry sky back at him. Silence from him was unusual and the girl didn’t hide the concern that shifted onto him. 

“Kitty?”

Chat Noir realized he had been unresponsively staring at his boots this whole time. He clicked the paw-shaped toe caps together a couple of times, as if to wrap up his thoughts and store them away, before turning to his troubled partner and grinning toothily. 

"It's a good thing everyone knows that cats do as they please and don't do well on leashes," is what he ended up telling Ladybug. Adrien’s problems were not Chat Noir’s.

Ladybug’s expression went from concerned to surprised to unimpressed in the span of a second. “I’m being serious, you know?”

He smoothed out his smile into a softer one. “I guess I did skip on a lot of ‘somethings’ this week. I’ll have to think of some really good excuses this time.”

“‘Somethings’?” Ladybug quoted, sounding as amused as exasperated. Them keeping their identities from each other meant that a lot of the things they did or had got described as simply ‘something’. “Well I’m glad to know you aren’t a stray with no responsibilities. I almost got worried there for a second that I’ll have to adopt you.”

Chat laughed at the mental image. “I wouldn’t mind being yours, M'Lady.”

Ladybug rolled her eyes. She should have expected he’d say something like that. She was practically asking for it. “An unfaithful alley cat doesn’t sound very appealing,” she poked at his side just as her earrings beeped a third time.

“Well, gotta go, kitty, if I want to get home in time.” She stood up. “You should go home, too. You wouldn’t want your owners to start putting up missing posters.”

This time Chat Noir rolled his eyes as he waved her off and Ladybug swung away in the direction of the Seine.

The boy watched her until she was out of sight, then he laid down on the roofing to stare at the sky, allowing the last of the butterflies to linger hopefully. 

He’d been out a while by that point but he still didn’t feel like going home. After a few more minutes he got up to head there anyway. He still had to write a conclusion to his biology assignment that they were handing in tomorrow.

As he jumped and vaulted over the roofs he let the feeling of freedom consume him a little longer. Rising and falling through the air was exhilarating and rewarding. Homework be damned, he could do this all night.

His elongated staff eventually vaulted him over the Agreste mansion’s wall directly towards the shelf of his open window. At Least it had been opened. Because instead of easily jumping into his room, like he'd done many times before, he banged his front on the glass and bruised his nose.

“Ow! Oh… Oh no…” Oh no no no no no! This was bad. This was very very bad!

He gave the window frame an extra push hoping that it was just closed and not also locked but his eyes quickly noticed the position of the handle on the other side. It was definitely locked. Wide eyes stared at it with a sinking feeling and a sudden dread gripped Chat by the throat. 

He stood frozen to the spot for a good twenty seconds before he finally pulled himself together barely enough to turn around and jump into the nearby tree where he could hide before anyone could spot him. Crouching down on the closest branch with his back on the trunk, he stared at his nice bright inaccessible room. 

He was locked out. Well he wasn't locked out out because the back and front doors were still possible options but the idea of getting caught sneaking into the house at this hour when he had supposedly been in his room all this time was a scary one. Adrien tried to visualize in his head how his father and Nathalie might react based on his similar past misbehaviors but he was sure this would be the worst one yet.

He tried to keep himself in line most of the time. He didn’t sneak out late as Adrien and he’d never been caught as Chat Noir.

The boy eventually figured he couldn't stay on the branch forever. He dropped to the base of the tree before quietly calling out to detransform.

He felt his kwami’s warm laid-back presence leave him, making his anxiety that much more intense. Chill air surrounded his bare forearms and crept through the thin layers of fabric. Adrien shuddered.

He wasn’t even dressed like he’d just been outside… Father and Nathalie would have questions. Could he, from the fact that he was at least wearing shoes, call himself ‘lucky’? He suddenly started feeling queasy on top of everything.

When the costume disappeared Plagg immediately zipped into Adrien’s hair to hide. But now he had taken in their surroundings of the Agreste back garden and the locked tall windows above them.

His head rose from the blonde’s locks, ears perking up. “So this is what this last minute panic is about. And here I thought we were being confronted by Hawk Moth of all humans.” The kwami’s voice had the usual whine to it until he shifted his attention back to Adrien and the cause of the boy’s genuine alarm sunk in.

Ears lowering sympathetically, he grunted, “Tough luck, kid.”

“Hope not. Maybe I can still get in undetected…” Adrien tried to keep his voice sounding positive but he couldn’t fool his kwami.

It was cold outside and the shivering boy decided it would be best to just deal with the problem as soon as possible. Before he'd be too numb to think properly.

He headed up the steps to the back door. The lights inside were switched off and he couldn’t decide if that was a good sign or not. He was just praying silently that by some miracle the door was unlocked and he wouldn’t need to go ring the front door which was always locked even when it wasn’t the middle of the night.

But even if it was unlocked and everything went smoothly, he would be lying to himself if he thought he could get away with sneaking out. Someone had closed the window in his room which meant they had noticed he wasn’t there.

Had his father freaked out? Were they looking for him? Had the police been involved?

He stilled in front of the door, subconsciously worrying his lower lip.

Plagg had moved to his shirt’s collar where Adrien could feel his warm body against his collarbone.

“If you get caught, I’ll have your back. In the literal sense.”

Adrien chuckled.

“And I’ll share my comfort food with you. Camembert.”

“Oh no, please, you don’t have to do that.”

Plagg perked up. “Well, if you insist.”

Adrien smiled down at him, appreciating the small distraction.

He pushed down on the door handle and his body almost toppled over his unresponsive feet when the door moved under his weight. Honestly, despite hoping, he hadn’t been expecting to get even this far.

The back door opened to the unlit black and white dining room. The air was still and silent as Adrien carefully silently closed the door behind him. He noted the room was unusually warm. Normally his father kept the heating in the mansion lower than this aside from in their bedrooms and his office.

He moved across the room on the balls of his feet, glancing down the long empty dining table, and scurried to the door to the hall. He pressed himself to the frame to slowly open it and peek through when a pale orange glow on the polish of the door caught his attention. His eyes stared at it for a moment.

It was a muted reflection.

Curiously he turned his head around and his body froze almost immediately. 

The fireplace across from him was weakly glowing with dying embers. But his gaze was trapped on one of the armchairs on the left where, reclined, was his father.

They stared at each other through the darkness—Adrien now wide-eyed and silently panicking; Gabriel with his usual stern mask.

“Adrien.”

Adrien had expected the steely edge to his voice. What he wasn’t expecting was the exhaustion and weariness. He had heard it before. During Father’s important projects and nearing deadlines, financial problems in the company. But never this unequivocal and obvious. Not since more than two years ago… 

His father was staring at him and Adrien wondered if he'd been watching him since he had come through the back door. 

Why did he have to turn around at the reflection, he berated himself miserably. It didn't seem like his father even intended to get his attention if Adrien didn't notice him himself.

He wondered if he was allowed to just leave for his room. He knew he wasn’t. But he still thought about it. He’d be in more trouble later but would his father have stopped him from getting a few minutes of alone time to collect his thoughts?

He felt cornered.

“Father, I- I…”

“Come here.”

Adrien realized he hadn’t moved a muscle since he had spotted Gabriel. He slowly straightened and made to move around the table toward the fireplace. He felt Plagg shift in his shirt and give out a soft reassuring purr that Adrien didn’t hear but he felt it against his back.

What was it going to be now? Grounded? More piano lessons to fill up his free time? Not allowed to hang with friends? Threatened to get pulled out of school?

His eyes stared at the black and white tiles moving beneath his feet until he reached an armchair and he sat in it.

His eyes hesitantly lifted up to meet his father’s.

Up close the man looked as weary as he sounded and that fact was just then catching up with Adrien.

On the small round table beside his father’s armchair he spotted a wine glass with a drop of red at the bottom, and a dark bottle that even in the dark Adrien could make out was half emptied. Gabriel Agreste didn’t drink aside from occasional toasts he couldn’t pass up. 

The boy looked at him questionably. Worried. In the back of his head sickening thoughts that something horrible must have happened started to surface. Because this couldn’t have been because of him sneaking out. Was everything okay with Gabriel’s company? Had something happened to Amelie or Félix? … Had his… Had they finally found his mother’s b-

"Where have you been?"

"I uh…” What little excuse he had started to come up with before was gone now under his father’s strange stare and Adrien’s irrational fears, so he grabbed for a backup he kept with him in case. 

“I was... hanging with my friends from photo shoots."

This excuse wouldn’t get him out of trouble but it would clear any suspicion of what he was actually up to. He didn't really want to ever use it because it was seriously risking his friendships with the few okay models around his age that he talked to but Adrien's head was empty at the moment and he felt this was an emergency. He just wanted to keep his school friends after tonight if he could and this was an easy lie to believe.

So why did Adrien feel like his father knew he wasn’t telling the truth.

Gabriel gave no outward reaction but his gray eyes that looked pitch black in the dark seemed almost depressed. He stood up and stepped to stand over his son, and Adrien prepared for the tongue-lashing. He welcomed it over the eerie silence.

Instead his father took a knee in front of him and grabbed his shoulders, eyes searching across his son's face. 

“Father?”

Gabriel grabbed his chin with his right hand and began turning his head at different angles. It unsettled the boy because he was much more well prepared to handle anger and disappointment. This almost felt like he was being angled by a new photographer who wanted to study which sides were his best.

Wide-eyed and confused he allowed his father to tousle his styled blond hair over his forehead.

The depressed look in Gabriel’s eyes was solidifying the more he stared, and Adrien would be lying if he said he wasn't becoming a little bit uncomfortable.

He was completely lost as to what was going on until a thought crossed his mind. Was he searching for hickeys? A blush crept over his nose. “Um, Father, I wasn’t- I promise I didn’t do anything inappropriate to hurt your brand. It wasn't anything like that.” 

After a silent moment of his father staring off into space and Adrien wondering if he had said something stupid again, he felt Father's hand grabbing him by the right one.

"Did they hurt you?"

"No, of course not!" 

"That's what matters most."

Adrien could feel his father's fingers slowly finding his ring, and beginning to fidget with it slowly. He followed his gaze to stare at it too. 

Gabriel's eyes were focused on the design on the front. "But don't think I'll tolerate this, Adrien."

Adrien knew he was talking about his disobedience and not the ring but he couldn't help but get nervous. Carefully pulling his hand away and into his lap, he hid it under the other one. 

"I know. I'm sorry." 

“We’ll talk about your disobedience tomorrow. Right now I want to be alone.”

Adrien was perplexed by his sudden dismissal, sitting in the armchair and watching his father stand up with his back to him, watching the dying embers.

He was allowed to leave. A few minutes ago he’d be running up the stairs to his room already. But he couldn’t move.

“Father, is everything okay?”

[egcdeath]

clean sheet

pairing: joel miller x reader 

summary: nothing stirs the pot like your ex-husband, gossipy soccer moms, and a weekend-long soccer tournament. (part two of spectator sport)

word count: 7.7k

warnings: canon divergent: no apocalypse, implied past emotional abuse, jealousy/misunderstanding, kinda angsty in the beginning but verrrry fluffy at the end, insecurities, there was only one bed, mutual pining, sarah and chloe being menaces as usual

author’s note: this past week has been extremely rough. like, ao3 author’s note apologizing for being gone rough, so i’m just as surprised as you are that i was able to write 7,000 words of a part two to spectator sport. enjoy!

 part 3 / series masterlist

Tournament season was nothing short of an absolute pain in the ass. It was a pain in the ass when you were married and able to evenly split your responsibilities, and it’s even more of a pain in the ass now that your ex-husband has decided to participate minimally in all soccer related ventures. 

To be completely honest, it seemed like it wasn’t just soccer ventures your ex wasn’t too enthused to partake in, as Nathan had ditched most of his fatherly duties whenever a new, younger girlfriend was in the picture. But that was neither here nor there.

Despite Nathan taking Chloe to her past few games this season—you were completely swamped with work and you had practically gotten on your knees and begged for him to take her to them—he didn’t seem to have any interest in assisting you with tournaments. 

That was fine and good. You knew about the events far enough in advance to move some meetings around, block off some time, and cross your fingers and hope that nothing came up unexpectedly in the days prior to your game. Although, what you couldn’t account for was your car completely breaking down on your way back from a bagel shop the morning before you were meant to be on the road for the next three hours. 

But alas, the universe had its way of kicking you when you were already down, leaving you biting back tears in the passenger seat of a tow truck as you attempted to figure out a Plan B.

“Please, Nathaniel,” you pleaded over the phone, pacing back and forth in your bedroom as you tried your absolute best to hold the last bits of your composure together. 

“I’ve been at her last three games,” it was impossible to miss the sneer in his voice as if his own daughter was the biggest burden in the world. “And where have you been? It’s practically been a month.”

“Where have I been?” you laughed out of anger and at the absurdity of his words. You knew that he knew for a fact that you’d been drowning in work. “Nathaniel. You know how my work has been. Please just do this one thing for your child. It’s the fucking weekend. It’s not like you’re doing anything else.”

“It’s always work with you. You know, this is why I couldn’t be with you anymore. You were always so selfish with your time and inconsiderate with mine,” he sighed dismissively. “And for the record, Claire and I have a reservation tonight. So I am doing something else.”

It was staggering how minimized and powerless he made you feel after every interaction despite how little he actually was in your life. Every time you interacted with the man you thanked whatever forces out there that you somehow found it in yourself to leave. 

You huffed and blinked away tears, hugging yourself to attempt to bring yourself some sort of comfort. After signing the papers, you told yourself you would never waste one single tear on the man again. You wouldn’t let a little argument like this change that promise.

“Can I at least borrow your car?” you sounded so meek and desperate, but you were running out of options, and with every passing minute you had less and less options.

Instead of responding, Nathan simply laughed at you before ending the call. Humiliated didn’t even begin to cover how you felt about the whole situation. 

You angrily wiped away the hot tears that had slipped down your face without your permission and sighed as you evaluated what options you had left. You could take an Uber, but it would be ridiculously expensive. You could rent a car, but Chloe was bound to get stains and dirt tracked throughout the vehicle. Anything else was far too short notice. 

You flopped down onto your bed and screamed into your pillow. The stress from your overfilled work week combined with an extremely inconvenient situation was taking its toll on you, but you needed to figure something out. 

Maybe you could carpool with someone. Although, you weren’t sure who was still in town, as most of the families liked to leave at the ass crack of dawn. If that wasn’t enough, you weren’t exactly sure you wanted to sit in a small contained space with some of those families for a prolonged period of time. 

Maybe you could ‘borrow’ Nathan’s car regardless of what he said. You were sure his new girlfriend had a car–if she was even old enough to drive one–and they could certainly take that car to their ever-important reservation tonight. Although, maybe getting a grand theft auto charge in order to make it to a soccer tournament wasn't your greatest idea.

You were deep in the eye of a brainstorm when a soft little knock rapped against your door, seconds before Chloe peeked her head in. 

“Hi mom,” she greeted, completely unaware of the extent of your conundrum. “Sarah can’t find her cleats and wanted to know if she could borrow one of mine. Where do you keep my old ones?” 

Joel.

Oh shit, Joel.

Joel who you’d accidentally ghosted after the promise of a date. With work and ex-spousal drama, you hadn’t even had a moment to think about the date. A knot tied in your stomach as you thought about how you’d treated him. He probably thought you were icing him out on purpose. 

“They should be downstairs in the front closet under the coats,” you informed her. “You almost ready to go?”

“What does it look like?” she retorted sassily, doing a little spin for you to show off her full soccer attire. 

“Alright,” you chuckled, trying to keep it together for just a while longer. “Go find those cleats.”

With that, she was off, and you were alone with just one option. 

You dialed the number that you’d only texted once, and bit your lip as the phone rang out. The knot in your stomach tied and untied with each ring of the phone, nausea rattling you as you thought about all the ways he could answer. He’d probably be pissed that you were only reaching out to him now, only when you needed something from him. He’d probably tell you off, just like Nathan, and laugh at you over the phone over the mere prospect of hitching a ride with him.

After three rings, Joel finally picked up, saying your name aloud, as if he was genuinely surprised to be hearing from you. 

“Joel, I’m so sorry,” you took a deep breath and attempted to hold back the wave of emotions coming over you. This stupid stressful morning. This stupid stressful month. And stupid you for leaving a good man waiting for you. A good man who was probably moments away from becoming a bad man, like every other one that seemed to appear in your life.

“My car broke down this morning and I don’t have any other way to get to the tournament. Is there any way we can carpool? I’ll literally pay you to take us. I’ll drive Sarah to school for the rest of the school year. Hell, I’ll take her to games too. Just… please.” It felt like you were talking a million miles a minute. 

“Hey, take a breath,” he said, clearly picking up on the frantic energy you were radiating through the phone. “We’re heading out in about twenty minutes. We’ll swing by your place. And don’t worry about all that other stuff, okay? Just take a big breath. I’ll see you soon.”

You were flooded with relief as you spoke your gratitude and hung up. It almost felt odd to not have someone go off on you for waiting so last minute to reach out for help, or for not reaching out to them after you said that you would. You were puzzled, and not completely sure what you did to deserve someone like Joel in your life, but you were grateful to have him regardless. Especially now that he was coming to save the day. 

Sure enough, around twenty minutes later, a pickup truck arrived in front of your house, and Chloe was sprinting to go sit with her friend in the backseat, still overjoyed from the news that she would be traveling with her friend. 

Timidly, you entered the car, still anticipating a stern lecture or even a scolding for being a shitty mom, and an even worse potential partner. “I really can’t thank you enough for this, Joel,” you expressed before he had the chance to speak, hoping that if you expressed your gratitude before he had the chance to yell at you, the blow would be lessened. You kept your eyes down as you sat down and set your overnight bag in front of you. 

“Of course. You know, I still owe you a favor after that dinner fiasco,” he glanced over at you and smiled, and some of that fear you had been holding onto began to melt away. Although, you blanched at the mention of the date that you were meant to go on, but hadn’t had the chance to do so. Yet, there didn’t seem to be any malice behind Joel’s words. 

“I guess we’re even?” you offered, looking over at the man to attempt to read him as he slung his arm around the back of the headrest and looked through the rearview mirror as he pulled out. 

“Yeah,” he said shortly, almost… dejectedly? Maybe you were reading into it too much. After all, his attention was split between you and getting out of your driveway safely. 

Regardless of what anyone was feeling, your journey began with the girls in the back chatting amongst themselves and a slightly weighted silence between the two of you in the front while the sound of radio filled in for the lack of conversation between you and Joel.

You spent the majority of the ride looking out your window, deep in thought. You tried not to let Nathan get under your skin all that often, but maybe he was right about the way you spent your time. You’d practically thrown away your shot at any relationship with the man next to you, simply because you were too busy and forgot about a promise you’d made. 

You tried to focus on the excited chatter in the seat behind you, and less on the venomous words Nathan had given you over the years, but it was a difficult task. Paired with the fact that you were still waiting for the shoe to drop and Joel to go off on you, it wasn’t the most pleasant time.

After about an hour of driving (and in your case, brooding), you had to make a stop at the gas station, as the truck was running low on fuel. You reached for your wallet and grabbed a twenty dollar bill, then passed it back to the girls behind you. “Go get some snacks for us?” 

“Of course!” Chloe cheered, hopping out of the car and racing Sarah into the entrance of the gas station.

Joel was definitely going to go off on you now that the kids were gone. You held your breath as you got out of the car, leaning against the hood of the vehicle as Joel stood by the pump, his eyes fixed on his vehicle.

“I can’t tell you just how sorry I am. About not reaching out to you to go out sometime, and for having to ask you so last minute to take us to the tournament. I’ve just been absolutely swamped with work, and Natha-“

“You’re fine,” Joel cut you off as he acknowledged your apology, keeping his gaze trained on the car. Here it comes. “You don’t need to apologize. Sometimes life just throws a bunch of shit at us at once.”

You nodded in agreement, your breathing picking up as you waited for the condescension or lecture to begin. Yet… it never came. You weren’t sure if he was as upset as you suspected, but Joel was certainly feeling more than he was willing to let on. The lack of eye contact and his slightly off responses told you that much. 

“Is everything okay?” you finally asked, trailing off. “You’ve barely said a word all trip.”

“Everything is fine. I’m just tired,” he rubbed his forehead with his hand. 

“Well, if you’re tired, I can drive us the rest of the way over and you can sleep. That way you’ll be rested for the game,” you offered, taking a daring step towards him, and setting your hand on his bicep—a peace treaty of sorts. And maybe a hint that you were still interested in whatever sparks had been evident before. 

Joel immediately stiffened under your touch, and subtly rejected the motion. He glanced over at you for just a moment before looking back down at the gas pump and shut his eyes. “That’d be great. I’m really exhausted.”

While you could believe that maybe Joel was just tired, there had to be more to the story. The way he rejected your subtle touch and the way he just couldn’t seem to meet your eyes told you that much. Perhaps you underestimated just how hurt he was by you not making plans with him, although it wasn’t like he’d reached out to you to set something up. In fact, the last time you heard from him was the night before the girls’ game following their team dinner.

“Of course. Go ahead and get back in the car, I can take everything from here.”

The rest of the ride wasn’t too long, but you were happy to contribute after asking for such a last minute favor. You drove straight to the grounds that the team was playing on that afternoon, as you were already pushing it on time, and certainly did not have time to go check into your hotel yet.

Your kids jogged off to greet their team and warm up with them, leaving you alone with Joel once again as you grabbed fold-out chairs from the back of his truck. 

“You feeling any better now after sleeping?” you asked, turning to look at him and inspect his face for any suspicious expressions.

“Yeah, definitely,” he affirmed, but his words didn’t exactly match what it was you had observed. He closed his trunk and began to walk away, and you followed after him, feeling a bit like a lost puppy.

“Joel, really. You can tell me what’s wrong,” you practically pleaded, part of you still waiting for the moment he would tell you off.

“I already told you,” his tone was defensive, and when he turned back to look at you, the agitation was clearly painted on his face. “Nothing is wrong.”

You were taken aback, but understood that you had crossed some sort of boundary in your continuous pressing of what was wrong. You felt more like a kicked puppy than a lost one as you walked out to the fields behind Joel, setting your chair up close to him, but with a little more distance between the two of you than what you would have preferred. 

You didn’t talk much during the game, outside of cheering for your daughters and momentarily celebrating when one of them pulled something impressive off. 

Although you didn’t interact much, it still felt nice to be back at a game after being gone for the past few weeks. And honestly, it felt even more nice to be back in Joel’s presence after those weeks, even if it was clear that something had shifted between the two of you. 

When the second game began, you were surprised to come back from your short leg-stretch walk to find another chair placed next to Joel’s—and a woman happily chatting his ear off.

A pang of jealousy struck your gut as you observed the two of them. It was no secret that most of the moms (and some of the dads) on the team (and other teams) saw the same things in Joel that you did. But you had absolutely no right to feel jealous, considering the way you’d basically led him on, and you had absolutely no reason to believe that there was anything romantic going on between them.

But you felt unwell anyway. 

You urged yourself not to look at them for too long, instead focusing on the game in front of you, but the sounds of their voices and the way their conversation easily flowed was far too distracting. Just the rotten cherry on top of an already shitty day. 

You felt ridiculous and childish sitting there with jealousy burning deeply in your stomach as you mentally ran through all of the things you could have done differently. Maybe if you’d texted Joel the night of your dinner and found a day where you both weren’t busy to go out together, or if you’d just said no to taking on a few extra hours, you’d be the one giggling and playing with your hair as you chatted up Joel.

It was official: you couldn’t torture yourself with staying one more moment with the two of them. Instead, you shot out of your uncomfortable little chair, and hauled your jealous little ass over to the concession stand. If you couldn’t go back in time and fix all the mistakes you’d made leading up to today, at least you could stuff your face full of peanut M&Ms until you felt better.  

As you focused on tearing the yellow plastic with a little more force than what was necessary, you completely missed Alice—one of the more gossipy mothers on the team—approaching you. 

“Hey babe,” she greeted cheerily. “We haven’t seen you in a few weeks. Where’ve you been?” 

Your mouth was currently filled with candy, so it took you a second to respond. “Work,” you said in between chewing. “I barely had time to breathe, let alone bring Chloe to her games, so I had to basically beg on my knees for a little help from her father. Speaking of which, how was Nathan?”

“Oh,” Alice paused and looked off to the side, a little too guiltily for your liking. “Yeah, he was fine.”

“Are you sure?” you asked, brows furrowed at her strange reaction. 

“Yeah! He was great. It’s just…” she trailed off and offered you an awkward smile. “We thought you two were maybe back together. You know, with the whole co-parenting thing.”

Your eye twitched. So the parents of the team were gossiping and theorizing about your love life. Great. That’s probably what was wrong with Joel—word had gotten back to him that you and Nathan were playing house again. No wonder he was putting such distance between you. 

“Babe,” you tried not to let the annoyance you were experiencing reflect too much into your tone, “why would you tell people we were back together? Bringing your own child to their sports events is not exactly groundbreaking or relationship material.”

You were now gritting your teeth as the irritation really started to sink in. Joel probably didn’t reach out to you for your date since these fucking real housewives you were surrounded by had decided to spread baseless rumors about you from the moment your ex had stepped onto the sideline. 

You were wrong. This was the rotten cherry on top of the absolute dogshit milkshake of a day you’d had. 

“I’m sorry,” Alice didn’t sound as remorseful as you wish she did. You knew that deep down, she was enjoying this little game and would be more than happy to spread this information back to her friends. “I shouldn’t have assumed.”

“It’s fine, the damage is done,” you sighed, shoving a handful of candy in your mouth. 

“Have you seen Joel and Cindy, though? They���re so cute together!”

It was now clearer than ever that Alice was only interacting with you to stir the pot, so you simply put on the best fake smile you could muster and nodded. “Adorable. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna go sit back down. I haven’t seen Chloe play in a few weeks, and she was doing so well in the last game, I’m sure she’s doing great now too!”

You didn’t wait for a response before walking off, attempting to suppress all of the feelings you were having with this new information you’d been given. In the three weeks you’d been gone, Alice had convinced the team that you and Nathan were back together, and Joel had already moved on. If you hadn’t cared so much about Chloe’s passions, you would’ve had her quit on the spot. You simply could not handle any more of this soccer parent culture. 

Sitting back down in your seat, you offered Joel an M&M, to which he politely declined. You wondered if there was a way for you to casually explain that you and Nathan were not and would not ever be an item again, but then again, it seemed like with Cindy in the picture, the ship of making anything work with you two had sailed. 

You attempted to focus on your daughter, who unsurprisingly was doing quite well in the game. You were glad that no matter how shitty your day was turning out, your kin was at least having a better day—and having fun doing it.

You simply went through the motions through the rest of the day, squeezing your daughter tight with a hug when all of the games for the day were finished and telling Sarah about how great of a job she did, then falling back into a somewhat uncomfortable silence on your drive to the hotel. 

Checking in had proved to be… a bit of an odd situation. As you pocketed your room keys, Chloe made an odd offer—her and Sarah would share a room while you and Joel would share your own. 

It shouldn’t have surprised you as much as it did when your daughters proposed that you and Joel share a room so that they could have a sleepover, but it caught you off guard regardless. 

You were hesitant for several obvious reasons, but their room was adjoined to yours, and there was a perfectly nice pull-out bed in the sofa, which meant there was absolutely no need to share a bed with Joel. After some consideration and discussion with the man who would be your roommate for the night, you ultimately settled on allowing it. You would take the sofa. Joel would take the bed.

Besides, it’s not like he’d be spending the majority of the night in the room. After a short conversation, he was getting dressed and going off to dinner with Cindy. 

You tried not to feel bad for yourself for too long. You’d already spent the majority of the day feeling bad for yourself, whether it was for the shitty situations you found yourself in, or the way the moms on your team treated your love life like their favorite reality show.

Knocking on the door adjacent to your own, you were happy to see Chloe crack open her door. 

“Hi girls,” you greeted. “What do you say to a pajama party?”

“Yes!” Chloe squealed, swinging her door wide open. Conveniently, they were already dressed the part, and were seemingly ready to wind down after a long day of physical activity. 

After ordering an absurd amount of room service and having nothing short of a feast with your favorite pre-teens, the three of you sat on the floor under a blanket fort you’d constructed as you played Uno with some random network romcom playing in the background. 

It felt like after a long day of holding your breath, you could finally let go of it, winding down with your two favorite children.

“Do you feel like you had a good day today?” you asked, placing a green three on top of the pile of cards. 

“Yeah! I missed having you and my dad together at our games,” Sarah remarked, drawing a card. 

Chloe nodded in agreement, setting down one of her own cards. “You really spice up our games. I think Joel yells a little louder at us when you’re here. He was pretty quiet when dad was bringing me.”

You tried not to let your emotions show on your face too much in front of the children, but it was undeniably sweet that you being around brightened Joel’s light, even now, when things were a little more awkward between the two of you. You simply hummed as you set down your card.

“Yeah, he kept asking me if I knew where you were,” Sarah drew a card then placed the card back down on the pile. “I think he missed you.”

So maybe Joel wasn’t as mad at you as you thought he was. Asking where you were had to be a good sign, right? Maybe it really just boiled down to him thinking you were back together with your ex-husband, and him not wanting to cross any boundaries. 

“I think you’re our good luck charm. Did you see how well we played today?” Chloe asked, discarding a card. “Uno.”

“I think you guys are just good,” you set down a card. “Uno.”

“I dunno, when you were gone we kept losing,” Sarah set down a skip, causing Chloe to exclaim in frustration. 

“Our friendship is over,” Chloe announced to Sarah for what must’ve been the third time that night. 

“Mean it this time?” she teased. 

“I swear!” the pair broke out into giggles as you set down your final card. 

“We need to team up on you! How is it that you keep winning?” Sarah asked, pointing an accusatory finger at you. 

“She’s a dirty cheater,” Chloe tutted. “Just ask her why we don’t play Monopoly anymore. Right, mom?”

“Hey!” you exclaimed. “It was a rough patch. I keep winning Uno because you two keep targeting each other. What happened to team work?”

“No such thing in Uno,” Sarah shrugged. 

You laughed aloud, feeling some of your stress melting away with the motion, “you guys are too funny.”

Chloe yawned and reached for the pile in the middle of your little circle. “You can’t compliment your way out of this, cheater.”

“Ugh, whatever. I didn’t realize I raised such a sore loser.”

“Takes one to know one!” Chloe jeered. 

“Sure,” you chuckled. “Well, I think it's this cheater’s bedtime. Can I help you guys undo the pillow fort?”

The girls agreed, and you helped take down the mess of blankets, chairs, and pillows as they began to wind down and settle into bed.

“Goodnight, girls,” you bid farewell as you approached the adjoining door. “If you need anything, just come on over, okay? Sweet dreams,” you blew kisses to both of them before going back over to your side of the room.

When you made it back to your room, Joel was already in bed, the soft light of the television illuminating his face in the otherwise dark room. The light from the screen and his pajamas were doing him all sorts of favors, making him look like he walked straight out of your domestic fantasy. 

“When did you get back?” you asked as you grabbed your phone charger from your bag and approached the pull-out bed. 

“Like, an hour ago,” he shrugged, leaning back against the headboard. 

“You should’ve come over and played Uno with us,” you suggested, attempting to get cozy in your makeshift bed as you pulled the threadbare hotel blanket over your legs. “We had a little fort and everything.”

“Didn’t wanna intrude on your girls’ night,” he mumbled sleepily, hugging a pillow as he adjusted himself in bed.

“We would’ve been happy to have you,” you muttered, trying your best to relax in the rather uncomfortable makeshift bed.

Joel simply grunted in response, his eyes now shut. You could only assume that sleep set in quickly, and you’d now lost him to dreamland.  

You stared up at the ceiling, unable to fall asleep. Part of you wished that this whole day was just an awful dream, and that you’d wake up the morning after the team dinner at Joel’s house, able to do everything all over again. 

Rolling onto your side, you hoped that the shitty pull-out bed would become even slightly more comfortable, but your hope was to no avail. You sighed softly and closed your eyes, wondering if you started counting sheep, if it’d be any easier to fall asleep.

About fifteen sheep in, Joel’s soft voice calling your name pulled you out of whatever sleepy daze you’d been in. 

“Hey, are you sleeping yet?” he practically whispered. 

“No,” you responded, voice far above a whisper. “The floor would probably be more comfortable than this.”

“I told you you shouldn’t have taken the pull-out bed,” he goaded.

“You wanna get down here and sleep on it for me?”

“No. Well… Would it help you sleep better?”

“Joel,” you huffed.

“I shouldn’t have asked,” you listened as the bedsheets began to rustle.

“No, no, don’t do that. Your body needs an actual bed after all that hard manual labor you do. Lay back down.”

“Not if you can’t fall asleep because of that shitty bed. Trust me, I’ve slept in worse conditions.”

“Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. Now I’m going to sleep. Goodnight.”

Joel paused for a second, and you assumed he’d finally given up. Good.

Until he called your name once again. “Come up here and get a good night’s rest.”

“No,” you argued, though your sleepy brain was practically begging you to move to the comfier location. “You need it more than me.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

You snickered, “whatever you want it to mean.”

Silence on his end once again. Time to start herding your sheep. 

“Why don’t we just share? There’s probably room for three of me on this bed.”

A bold proposition from a man who got back from a date only a few hours ago. A bold proposition that you were probably a bit too enthusiastic to take. 

“Fine,” you huffed. “Only to get you off my ass.”

Every part of your body was thanking you as you slipped out of the shitty couch-bed and padded over to the empty side of the real bed. Tentatively, you got in bed and under the sheets, making sure to keep yourself on your side and keeping your back facing his.

“Goodnight, Joel.” you finally whispered. 

“Goodnight,” he softly said your name, and you imagined the look on his face. Maybe in a different world, one where you’d gone on a date with him when the offer was on the table, you’d be in bed with him without the argument, with his arm wrapped around your waist as he wrapped you in a warm embrace, or with him hovering above you as you attempted to keep quiet in a hotel filled with guests who were more than willing to speculate about you.

It was nice to have someone in bed with you again. Even if all you had was the heat radiating off of the man next to you, and the sound of his deep breaths as he fell deeper and deeper into sleep. Despite all that had gone wrong in the day, and whatever Joel’s situation was with his date, somehow laying in bed with someone else made you feel at ease.

You didn’t have to count any more sheep to fall asleep that night. 

When you woke up, Joel was already out of bed, pulling on a hat and slipping on his shoes. “Oh good, you’re awake,” he commented as you rubbed the sleep out of your eyes. “Wanna get complimentary breakfast before it goes away?”

You stretched out as you listened to the proposition, wondering if the phantom feeling of an arm around your waist during the night was real or just a dream. “You know me so well.”

Somehow, the tension between the two of you didn’t feel so heavy that morning. Maybe sleeping in bed together had helped to break the ice, or maybe some other variable was at play. Regardless, you were happy to feel like your relationship had gone back to what it had been a month ago, even if Joel really was beginning to form something with Cindy. 

The hotel lobby wasn’t too busy when you and Joel went down. You were certainly grateful, as the fact that you had just rolled out of bed and gone to breakfast was more than obvious to anyone who’d looked at you for more than two seconds. 

You were stirring endless circles into your coffee when Joel sat down across from you, sighing as he leaned back into his chair. 

“Sleep well?” he asked before taking a hearty sip of his own coffee. 

You held back a laugh and exchanged it for the slightest hint of a smile. If only he knew just how well you slept. “I guess,” you admitted. “I always sleep well in hotel beds.”

You were completely uncertain of how to address the bed-sized elephant in the room, or if it was even a good idea to do so. But the lack of coffee in your system and the remnants of sleep clouding your brain had lowered your inhibitions significantly, causing the next words to tumble out of your mouth. 

“Thank you for letting me join you,” you involuntarily held your breath after saying so, too afraid to openly wait for his reaction. 

“Of course,” he hummed, beginning to stab at some of the food on his plate. “I couldn’t just let you break your back on that couch-bed.”

“Well I appreciate it,” you began to pick at some of your own food, the two of you falling into a far more comfortable silence. Obviously something had shifted between the time of the game and now, but you couldn’t quite place it. Since you were already in the mood to address elephants in the room, you had no issue blurting, “How was your date last night?”

“Date?” Joel looked up from his scrambled eggs with a furrowed brow. 

“With Cindy? From the other team?” you took a bite of toast and didn’t back down from the loaded eye contact going on between the two of you.

“Well, it wasn’t a date. Cindy’s married. Happily, I might add. Just catching up with a family friend.”

You were slightly taken aback, but not necessarily in a bad way. Suddenly, you felt silly for all the energy you’d wasted the day prior feeling jealous and bad for yourself, when you didn’t even know the full story.

“Well, what about Nathan? Is he a family friend?” it came out defensive, and you couldn’t particularly blame him for it. Finally some proof that this was what that weird tension had been all about. 

Maybe if your mind was slightly more clear, you’d find it cute that you were both a little jealous over each other. Maybe you really hadn’t thrown away your chance at this thing the way you’d thought you did.  

“No! I told you, I’ve been swamped with work. Like, getting home so late that I only see Chloe in the mornings and when I tuck her into bed, late. She needed to go to her games, and I knew there was only one person I could possibly guilt trip into bringing her. But I would rather marry the actual incarnation of Satan himself before spending another day with her father.”

“Oh,” Joel said quietly, lifting his disposable cup to his lips and seeming rather deep in thought.

“But you thought I was with him this whole time?”

“I guess?”

“And you still invited me into your bed?” you pressed, a hint of amusement in your voice.

“There was nothing inherently romantic or… sexual about that. I just didn’t want you to wake up in pain,” he set down his cup, but continued staring you down.

You shrugged. Solid answer, although you certainly wouldn’t be opposed to either alternative scenarios. 

“But even if there was, it’s only because you deserve better than that man. And from what I’ve seen, pretty much any man is better than him.”

“Including you?” you pressed. 

“What do you think?” the little smirk he was obviously trying to fight only egged you on. 

“I think I agree with you. Except, I don’t love that you just assumed something about my relationship status because one of those human rumor mills told you it. Next time, you wait until you hear it from me, okay?”

“I normally would’ve, I guess I’m just so used to things not working out with me, my brain was just looking for a reason why this wouldn’t work out either.”

“To be fair, not contacting you after saying I’d go out with you is pretty solid grounds for thinking we wouldn’t work out. But at least let me take you on a date before we try to figure out if we’ll work out or not.”

“You still want to go on that date?” Joel asked, sounding more astonished than you would’ve expected. 

“What do you think?” you winked, tossing his words right back at him. 

Just as your exchange began to wrap up, you were joined by two sleepy kids, who most certainly heard part of your conversation about going on a date. You couldn’t even bother with feeling mortified, too high on the knowledge that you had yet another shot with Joel. 

“How was your sleepover?” you asked the girls without missing a beat. 

“Fun. We missed you, though,” Chloe sighed as she buttered up a bagel. 

“Yeah, Uno’s not the same without you,” Sarah added as she began to cut up her pancakes. 

“I’m flattered, girls. We’ll have to have an Uno tournament sometime and get Joel on it too. Mostly so he can witness me beating everyone’s ass at it.”

“Language, mom. And we all know you’re a cheater.”

“Keep telling yourself that, sweetie.”

“I don’t know, I kinda believe it,” Joel teased. 

“Not you too, Joel! You’re supposed to be on my side,” you laughed. 

Your table fell into comfortable conversation for the rest of breakfast before you had to send the girls off to go get ready for their games. You almost wanted to pinch yourself to check if you were still dreaming after waking up in this domestic paradise following the terrible day you’d had yesterday, but even if it was a dream, you weren’t sure you wanted to wake up.

The rest of the tournament went smoothly, with the ice sufficiently broken between you and Joel, and you even joining in on his conversations with Cindy as the three of you sat together. The girls’ team ultimately won, leading to some very happy passengers as you drove back home. As you exited Joel’s car, you gave him a soft kiss on the cheek and a whispered promise of going out with him soon. To think, when you’d started your weekend, you never would have believed it would end in this manner. 

——

“Mom, hurry!” Chloe yelled up the stairs at you, sounding a little more impatient than what you would’ve liked. 

You could understand where she was coming from. Following the end of the soccer season, Joel had been quite busy, and Chloe hadn’t been able to see her closest friend outside of school hours for quite some time. If you were Chloe, you’d probably be anxious to see Sarah too.

Hurrying down the stairs with a newfound sense of urgency, you gave your daughter a little side hug. 

“I’m sorry, sweetie,” you apologized, understanding her urgency a little too well.

“Don’t be sorry. Just be efficient,” she pulled away from you and checked out your clothing. Sure, it was 6 PM and you were already in your pajamas. Sue you for wanting to come back home after a long day at work and put on your softest cat-printed pajama pants. “That’s a good outfit.”

“Oh, thank you. I was actually invited to Paris Fashion Week, but-“

“You can tell me in the car!” she exclaimed as she scurried off, with you following behind the little slippery bastard. 

In the car, Chloe seemed to be acting a little… suspicious. Although, you didn’t pay much mind to it, making small talk on the short drive over to her friend’s house. Her friend whose father you still hadn’t found time to go out with. 

“Oh yeah, being here reminded me that Joel had something to tell you,” Chloe announced as you pulled into their driveway. “Come in with me?”

By now, you were slightly suspicious, but the idea of having some sort of confrontation by Joel about you not following through on your word once again overrode your suspicions of your child. 

As Chloe rang the doorbell, Sarah swung the door open, smiling at her friend, then up at you. 

“Hi, come on in!” she said sweetly, opening the door all the way and leading you inside. 

As you walked in, your eyes caught on a makeshift pillow fort—one that oddly resembled the one you’d helped the girls make during their tournament. Cute.

“My dad’s inside. He wants to talk to you. See you later, bye!” Sarah talked quickly, and even quicker than her speech, she disappeared up the stairs with your daughter.

Something was definitely up.

You approached the fort with trepidation, and slowly pulled up a flap, where you found Joel dressed similarly to you in a loose shirt and plaid pajama pants, comfortably splayed out on his back while he seemed to be playing Candy Crush on his phone. 

“Oh, hey,” you said awkwardly. “The girls said you wanted to talk to me?” 

“Oh, hey,” he parroted back, seeming even more taken aback by your presence as he immediately sat up. “Uh, I actually didn’t know you were coming over?”

Oh.

It was always something with your kids. They knew how to scheme, and they knew how to scheme well.

“That’s fine,” you laughed to yourself about the situation. “I was gonna head out anyway. It was good to see you, and for the record, you clean up pretty well,” you teased, alluding to your similar mid-evening pajamas. 

“Wait!” he said quickly, nearly cutting you off. “Sorry, wait. Don’t go yet. Unless you have somewhere else to be…?”

You shook your head and shrugged. 

“I mean, obviously our kids set us up again, but we also haven’t followed through on that date yet. So maybe we can do it now?”

“Maybe,” you hummed as you sat down next to him on a mountain of pillows. “What would you want to do?” you asked, gently tapping his leg with your fuzzy-sock clad foot. (Chloe didn’t need to know that what was taking you so long was finding these god-forsaken socks.)

“Well, I’ve been wanting to take you out to some snobby, fancy restaurant,” he began. 

“Oh?” you voiced, brows raised. 

“But I don’t really think that’s either of our speeds.”

“Agreed. I don’t know where you’re going with this, but I’m liking it so far.”

“We also probably shouldn’t leave the girls home alone at night,” he continued to think out loud, his soft eyes never leaving your own. You almost felt like you were caught in a trance by them. 

“So what do you suggest we do, Joel?” you asked. 

“Well, we have this wonderful pillow fort already at our disposal. Maybe we can order some food and watch a movie?”

“I think sitting in a pillow fort while eating food and watching a movie is my love language. That sounds lovely.”

You two smiled at each other, and you could hear your heartbeat pound in your ears as a warm feeling filled your chest. It had been far too long since you’d felt any semblance of this feeling.

An abundance of Thai food and an argument over what movie to watch later, you were curled up like a cat beside Joel admiring the look of his face under the lighting of the fairy lights that were hung up throughout the little fort. 

“Ugh, why haven’t we done this sooner?” you asked, lifting your head out of the dip of his shoulder. 

“We’re both too busy,” he murmured, looking away from the television screen to look over at you. 

“I’ll literally take sick time off just to do this again,” you remarked. 

“I think that’s just the Thai food talking.”

“It was fucking amazing.”

“Told you.”

“But it’s not just the Thai food. I really like you a lot, Joel. I like spending time with you. I like talking to you and arguing about whether a shitty romcom or shitty action movie is better. I like doing mundane shit with you, like putting up fairy lights in a fort to enhance our ‘fort experience’. I like cuddling with you. Has anyone ever told you that you’re basically a human furnace? Anyway, I hate the fact that our daughters had to make an elaborate scheme just to get us together. I wanna make more time for you, because you deserve it. But like, only if you also wanna spend more time with me,” you confessed. 

“Of course I want to spend more time with you. And in the spirit of honesty, I really do have the time, sometimes. I guess I just worry that you wouldn’t want to spend your free time with me.”

“Joel, I would sit and watch paint dry on a wall if you were there with me. From the moment you entered my life, you’ve made everything a little better. If I have the time, I’m never gonna say no to being with you.”

He paused for a moment as he seemed to process that information, only coming back with a quiet, “Can I kiss you?”

You grabbed his cheeks and kissed him like no one you’d ever kissed before. It felt like the Fourth of July in your stomach as a moment you felt you’d been waiting for all your life finally came to fruition. 

By the time you pulled away, you were breathless and felt warm all over. You could go out on a limb and say that as far as dates go, this one was pretty successful, and to think, if it wasn’t for your daughters’ intervention, none of this would’ve happened. 

Yeah, you definitely needed to treat them to something.

[bettsfic]

Betts. how do I stop feeling jealous of everyone and everything and just focus on myself? I'm tired of being comprised of nothing but envy.

story time:

so i was recently at Millay, which is one of the top artist residencies in the country. they have an acceptance rate of something like 3%. when i was shown my room, there was a packet of all the residents' artist bios. i sat down and read through all of them. most of them were like half a page in length, single-spaced, listing out accomplishments i could never dream of. one artist had won a guggenheim. one author had published 12 books. another author published her first book at 19 years old. these were people who were extremely well accomplished and respected in their fields.

and we all became very good friends!

and then there was me. my bio was 3 sentences listing out a couple short publications and awards and other residencies i'd done. and my honest to god first thought was, "wow, the jurors must have really liked my writing to have accepted me among all these great artists."

and my second thought was, "that's the healthiest thing i have ever thought."

i had no jealousy of their accomplishments. even though my career hadn't even begun compared to theirs, i didn't attend dinner that night with any impostor syndrome. and that confirmed for me that i had grown out of whatever place i used to be in as a person, where i was basically a raw wound wrapped in barbed wire. everything hurt me and i hurt everything in return.

jealous feelings come from an intense need of external approval, but as i've mentioned in other asks, approval and validation is a well that gets filled over time. at our introductory dinner that night, i didn't talk about my work in the hope of convincing everyone i deserved to be there, which was what i would've done a few years before. instead we all ended up talking about a TV show. the most highbrow place i've ever been in my life, and we're getting wine drunk and discussing at length a cheesy discovery channel reality series. the guggenheim winner: loves box turtles. the guy who's published 12 books: his favorite movie is Spirited Away. the girl who published a book at 19: reads One Direction fanfic. the well-lauded poet: old school tumblrina.

actually, 4 out of 7 of us read fanfic and we had some great conversations about it. sometime i'll tell you about introducing the co-director of the residency to AO3.

when you think of the most accomplished and successful writer you've ever read, remember that they are, at the very core of their being, a nerd. and if you were to eat dinner with them, you would, with enough polite inquisitiveness, be able to unlock the goofy side of them that binges Property Brothers.

so that was the big change for me, i think. i started asking a lot of questions. i stopped talking and i started listening. it seems counterintuitive that admitting to not knowing stuff shows confidence, but it does. pretending you know stuff is what looks insecure. i think for me, i put so much of myself in my work, i wanted my work to be lauded so i could feel accomplished, and feeling accomplishment would let me believe i deserved to exist. but over time, i've reframed that mentality. my work is a thing that exists beyond me and is private to those who read it. it comes from me, but it is not me. what i am is just the person i am, and my life is a series of moments i choose for myself, and i am allowed to exist.

even sending this ask shows that you've begun filling your well. it takes someone who's already come a long way to realize jealousy isn't the status quo and is a feeling to be overcome. and you can overcome it. you can reach a place where you have enough success that other people's success has nothing to do with you, and you're free to just be happy for them. and when you read work that's better than yours you feel joy at learning something new.

so put your work into the world and let it be rejected. you'll rack up a couple wins or close calls, and those will give you energy to be rejected some more. and eventually you'll be rejected so much that rejection doesn't feel like anything, and you will have won enough to realize your work has a place in the world, and that place is no bigger or smaller than anyone else's. your work is allowed to exist simply as it is, and you are allowed to exist simply as you are.

[gtgbabie0]

HI, i love your work about the marauders and hotd and i was wondering if u would write cregan stark fluff with jealous reader but if u don't want to its okay. HAVE A GREAT DAY

-Cregan Stark x reader

{House Ryswell seeks an audience with Cregan Stark, and their daughter seems to take quite a liking to him}

I got extremely carried away with this, I hope you enjoy lovelies! 💕

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It's strange how time can seem so slow when your mood has been soured by something so silly, something that you're sure you have made up in your own mind, to defend the feeling of this unadulterated jealousy that slithers its way at your heart tugging on it every so often.

Foolish, you think, although you're not quite sure what exactly it is about this whole situation you find, foolish. Is it the way, Cregan smiles at the ever-beautiful Lady Darla of house Rsywell? or is it because your mind has convinced you that Cregan would break your trust like that? maybe, it's her ever thinking she stood a chance with your husband. Whatever it might be it's sure is foolish.

But it's real nonetheless, horrible and very real. The jealousy that bubbles deep within you only fuels the doubts that plague your mind, and those same thoughts conjure another dreadful feeling, something that pinches at your heart as you watch Lady Ryswell place a dainty hand on Cregan's arm, insecurity it finds an unwelcome home within your chest.

Despite sitting so close to Cregan, you still feel miles away, watching him converse, lost, within his own world with the Lady next to him. You feel ignored and as you glance around the room you're sure that everyone else sees it too, you've been pushed aside like some sickly wife that's nearing her time.

It's only when you hear Cregan's warm chuckle do you look over to the pair once again, her hand sits higher up on his arm, there's something about the sight that breaks you. As if it couldn't get any worse Drala turns to you with a smile that makes you sick to your stomach, warm and inviting.

"Your Husband is so charming Lady Stark" she giggles, her hand still against his arm, and you swear she squeezes it ever so softly.

Slamming your cup down against the wooden table, with more vigour than you had meant, you clear your throat, "Yes he is- charmed me right into marriage" It gets a laugh or two from the others is House Ryswell.

Drala's mother even leans to you whispering a humoured, "My husband could learn a thing or two" You watch as she glances over at him with a teary smile, he seemed quite caught up with gawking at the maids, "That man knows nothing of charm" she spits before leaning back into her chair.

Cregan's hand rests against your thigh, and for a second, your racing mind seems to calm down, it's as if you can finally breathe, and then he pulls away going back to what must be a riveting conversation with Darla. You've had enough of this torture, no longer being able to bare it you call for Lyra, keeping a hushed tone as she bends down to you slightly.

"I think I am ready to retire for tonight," you tell her through gritted teeth, trying to keep the barrage of emotions at bay, she gives you an understanding nod.

"Of course M'lady " She smiles softly as she hurries off to your bedchambers preparing a change of clothes for your arrival.

You stand keeping a strict posture, it's only now do you feel as if you finally have caught Cregan's attention. "Forgive me, but I think I shall call it a night" You bite back the tears that collect along your lash line nibbling your cheek.

"Aw already? Just when I thought our conversation was bearing good fruit" she whines, her voice going straight through you just like nails on a chalkboard, she pouts, a spoiled brat who knows no discipline.

"Oh please, don't feel inclined to stop on my behalf" You smile with a curt bow before turning your heel and leaving, ignoring the way Cregan calls for you, an advance he must've given up on quite quickly as Darla calls for more drinks practically begging your husband to stay, you don't hear the rest of the conversation too focused on trying to calm your breathing.

"Lady Stark" Lyra bows softly as you walk into your bedchambers, shutting the heavy wooden door behind you with an exasperated sigh. "I have prepared you some tea m'lady," she says with a gentle tone as you sit down in front of your vanity. She makes starts to unclasp your necklace.

"Thank you Lyra, you're far to-" and before you can finish your sentence the door opens with a low groan. You don't bother turning around already knowing who it is.

"Lyra, could you give us a minute" Cregan huffs, sounding very unamused as he walks into the candle-lit room.

"Of course m'lord," she says, bowing as she rushes out of the room, and it's then the silence hits, smothering the room with its thick presence that you're sure it could snuff out the flames of the various candles.

You look at him through the reflection of the mirror as he sits down on the fur-covered sofa, running a hand through his hair before finally glancing over at you, there's something in his eyes that makes you feel... small, you have always said you would hate to be on the receiving end of Cregan's anger, that any man to challenge him would be a fool.

"Would you like to explain to me what exactly just happened?" he asks, frustration seeping into his tone and your answer or rather lack thereof only fuels it further. "Do you find pleasure in ignoring me?" he huffs, giving you a rather annoyed look.

And as childish as it might seem, you were. "Yes, well now you know how it feels, don't you?" you mumble, untying the pins in your hair before taking off your rings.

"What?" he questions watching in slight shock as you stand up, the chair behind you drags along the floor with a shriek.

"Tell me, Cregan, do you think our marriage is a farce?" you ask turning to face him with tears in your eyes, tears that you try so hard to hold back, "Do you take enjoyment out of making a mockery of our marriage?" your hands shake with the sudden adrenaline as you point at him, your finger nudging his should as rage pinches at your skin, he looks up at you with hurt in his eyes and for a minute you feel inclined to apologise.

He stands up, trying to reach for your hands but you don't let him as you pull away from his touch, he accepts defeat with a heavy heart, the sight of your tearful face makes his stomach drop.

"A farce? What in the seven hells are you on about women?" the hurt that sits in his chest slowly churns into something much more as it wraps around his heart squeezing it with force.

"Do not play ignorant with me Cregan" You speak through gritted teeth as he inches closer to you, "You sat there the entire night ignoring me whilst you entertained that naive girl" You feel your knees buckle under the stress of it all as you fall back onto the bed with a soft bounce.

"I was merely trying to be a good host" his voice is so gentle, calm that it makes you angrier.

"Being a good host does not substitute you pushing me aside like some sick dog as you fool around with her!- the entire night." you huff biting the inside of your lip.

"You're jealous?" he asks in almost disbelief.

"What?- Jealous I'm-" You can't deny it, you were, you were jealous of the pretty Ryswell girl and how she seemed to have captured Cregan's attention.

"You are missing my point entirely," you whisper leaning into him as he sits down on the bed next to you.

"I'm sorry- you're right, I should've paid more attention to you," he says, wiping away the tears that fall from your eyes, "I meant no harm by it, I swear." he presses a gentle kiss to your hairline.

"It was embarrassing Cregan, the way they all looked at me with pity in their eyes. I am your wife." you sigh, the events of tonight wearing down on you more than you thought, and now the fabric of your dress felt all too tight and itchy.

"Forgive me my love- my beautiful wife" he says pressing another kiss to your shoulder as he helps you up from the bed.

"You can get Lyra to help me if you want to go back to entertaining our guests" you whisper, testing him a little as you sneak a glance his way.

"There are no guests to entertain sweetheart, I called it off as soon as you left," he mumbles against your neck as he continues to peppers soft kisses to your warming skin.

He undoes the lace of your dress, pulling at the fabric as it loosens around your shoulders, coming undone to reveal your back, his gentle fingers trailing along your spine as his soft lips traverse to your neck.

"I never meant to hurt you or make you doubt your place within my heart" he whispers as he tugs your dress completely off, letting it hit the floor with a soft thud before going to get your nightdress, slipping the soft fabric over your body before wrapping his strong arms around your middle, nuzzling his nose in the juncture of your neck and shoulder as he breathes in deeply.

"I swear, by the old gods and new that my heart belongs to you, all of it." Cregan turns you around to face him and it's only then he sees your tear-stained face, the way your bottom lip juts out at his loving words.

"I love you," he says as you push your face against his chest, letting all the built-up emotions go as they leave you in the form of tears. His big hand soothes the expanse of your back as he sways you in his arms ever so gently. He swears to never make you feel as you did tonight, ever again.

"I love you too" you whisper against the leather he is wearing. He cups your face within his hands, the warmth of his palms bleeding with affection as his thumb soothes against the apples of your cheeks.

"Come on my love, let's go to bed eh?" you nod as he tucks your hair behind your ears. You fall asleep wrapped up with him, a mess of limbs underneath the furs as he holds you gently and in the morning and every morning after that Cregan sings your praises, never letting you doubt your place beside him, ever.

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[kingconia]

POMEFIORE WHEN THEY NOTICE THAT THEIR S/O HAS SHITTY FRIENDS

Vil Schoenheit.

— It takes some time from him to realise it. Not because he is stupid or anything, but he is always so busy, spending time solely with you, and you always say good things about them, so;

— But as soon as he spots you with them on some school event, he starts to understand something is really wrong. Why would they say all these sarcastic remarks? Especially, if you seem to be uncomfortable? He is furious;

— At first, he will have a talk with you. He just needs to make sure that you understand how toxic they are, and that they are really-really wrong. If you don't see that, or for some reason agree with them, he is sad and disappointed in himself for not noticing it earlier;

— ”Ah, my sweet potato, how could you think so bad of yourself? Just look at yourself in the mirror for a minute! Look at how charming you are. How I love every part of you...”

— Starts praising you more often! He is quite reserved on the public, but he clearly tries to do something good for you. Might pull out a complements on your ear quietly, when you see each other in school;

— ”Oh, who is this pretty lady is?” ”Ah, I am sorry that I bumped in you, darling. I just couldn't tear my eyes from you...”

— Once again, as Vil is busy and aloof, he will not call your fake friends out personally. But he will make sure that some measures were taken. And that they know that their single word against you will cost them so much. Especially, if they are from Pomefiore;

— Live, laugh, Vil Schoenheit.

Rook Hunt.

— Oh, of course he knows that. Rook spends half of time hunting down objects of his interest, but most of the time his eyes glued to you. Even if you don't realise;

— He hears everything. And he sees everything, too. There is no way to fool this man;

— He is immediately furious. But Rook's rage is different from most of the people; his rage is quiet, cold, and slightly... Delirious. But no one can hurt you, physically or emotionally, and he makes sure that others will know that;

— Firstly, though, Rook needs to make sure that you are not affected by their attitude. Whatever they are shitty for—making toxic remarks about your appearance, leaving you out constantly, or something else—Rook will make everything better;

— This man is literally kissing the ground you are walking on. No insecurity under his roof! No-no. If you ask him, he surely can become your servant, even. But you don't, so he continues to adore you in his own ways;

— But that I mean writing poetry about you and declaring it publicly, so everyone would now how loved you are. Gifting you small—or not really—tokens every day. Writing little notes of what it reminded about you. Ah, he can even spoil you with food and sweets! Anything you want, really;

— And regarding your friends... He will take care of it personally. In his own ways. Which can be extreme, but don't worry! They are alive, just frightened! But at least they apologised, right?..

— ”Don't worry, ma belle catastrophe. I will always keep you safe!”

Epel Felmier.

— He is quite observant, and you spent a lot of time together, so, of course, he notices that something is really wrong;

— He can't believe his eyes, though, when he realises how your friends threat you. For him, you are the most supportive and kind person in the world, and perfectly charming. He can't understand how anyone could ignore you, let alone brush you off constantly;

— Epel fully concentrates on fixing your mental state. He knows how bad it feels, to be dawned by insecurities. And he is not a perfect speaker, but he tries really hard to explain you how he sees your situation, how bad are your friends are;

— He is aware that he is not that impressive and scary as others, which means he can't scare off your fake friends. But Epel is smarter and more cunning;

— He uses what he has to make your friends pay for what they had done to you, uwu!

— He either will make sure that Rook or Vil will do something about that—he might dislike his house and housewardens, but, hey, they are useful—or ask to help his other friends. I mean, just pulling in this Jack would be already enough, but if anything, he has these two idiots from Heartslabyul to do something with it. You will not even notice! He is with you all the time, after all;

— ”Please, never forget that you are not alone anymore, and never will be! I am here for you.”

[pasta-in-the-pudding]

Warmly greet!🫰 I just came across your blog today and I'm already in love with it!🖤🖤🖤 Could I leave a request here where Puppeteer, Jason, Candy Pop and LJ have a S/O who has insecurities about not being good enough for them? Because, come on...they're supernatural, not quite human, and their S/O is a regular, weak human, at least from the S/O's point of view...

Oooh thank you, friend! Also, i never get to write for Candypop or LJ so i am excited to do it!

Thank you so much for requesting!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Puppeteer

He will just kind of stare at you when you tell him those feelings

Like??? Are you kidding???

He is so obsessively in love with you that the thought of you feeling like you aren't enough for him is wild to him

Instantly he will assure you that you are more than he could ever dream of, and how much he loves you

He doesnt love you for supernatural abilities or powers, he loves you for you

Again, the thought of you not being enough for him doesn't even really comprehend in his mind

it's so insane to him that you, his most favorite person in the world who he couldn't live without, thinks that they aren't enough for him

If anything, he isn't enough for you, in his opinon

you are a literal deity walking on earth, and he is lucky enough to even witness your beauty and you think you arent enough???

Yeah, those thoughts are snuffed out rather quickly by him

He will spend the entire day going over every little thing he adores about you if he has to

Jason The Toymaker

He is just kind of confused when you express your feelings to him

"Now, what's this all about?" he asks with a pitiful look towards you

He honestly thinks that it's kind of weird that those feelings are even something humans are capable of feeling

What does he care that you don't have any weird abilities?

"Even when you are old and grey I will still love you. I will love you when you are in pain, and I will love you when you are happy. You being human makes no difference to me, because I love you. Even when you breathe your last breath, your soul will live on with me in the form of my favorite doll I will keep on a special shelf, pristine and upkept"

He's kind of a helpless romantic lol

Bro gave you a whole essay

anyways, he literally could not care less if you are magical or not, he's just thinks you're neat <33

CandyPop

He kind of thinks its funny that you think that

He will snort and look at you like you're joking "why??"

"You shouldn't feel that way. It's pointless to. Because you and I both know that no matter what, I still love you. I wouldn't be with you if I didn't like you at least a little bit"

He will joke around with you and make you try to feel good about being human

You are allowed to go pretty much wherever you please without being called a demon, he can't

Your squishy flesh human body is quite sustainable on its own, being able to morph and adapt to extreme situations, which he thinks is neat

And his personal favorite about humans, specifically you, you have such a wide array of expressing yourself! You have emotions, art, studies, etc

He loves you being human and you not liking being human is strange to him

Laughing Jack

He understands the insecurity

He can't say he's ever felt it, because he gives literally no fucks, but he understands

He will do whatever you want him to do about it, really

Lord knows he doesn't know what to do

If you wanna rant, he'll listen

If you wanna just be doted on, that's what he'll do

Whatever makes you feel better

Honestly, he does find it a little peculiar that you don't like being human

Like, if he could be 5'10", wear whatever he wants, do whatever he wants, go whatever he wants, etc, he'd be soooo happy

His 7'6" ass could never

[kali-chaotic-neutral]

Advice

Pick a cat and get some much needed advice

This will include:

~Advice you might need ~Something you have to hear ~Insight on something

Disclaimer: this is just for entertainment purposes, and as a pick-a-card reading it may not resonate for everyone. Take what you resonate with, leave what you don't.

Please do not hesitate to suggest a few PAC reading topics as I am struggling with these type of posts.

Cat 1:

I feel as though you may be in a sort of identity crisis. Maybe you're going through a time of major change, and it is causing some crisis of sorts. You're worldview has been shaken and you're brain chemistry has been altered dramatically. Additionally, this could be some drastic change in your spirituality or maybe you're leaving a religion for another or just leaving religion entirely and being hounded by your community for doing so. I know it's stressful, I know you're probably extremely critical of yourself, picking and panicking over every little mistake you make. I want you to take a deep breath and know that this isn't the end of the world. Take the energy you use to criticise yourself to maybe journal, do some shadow work or gratitude journalling. You don't have to write paragraphs after paragraphs. Even one bullet point can make a difference. Let out your thoughts on paper so you don't end up blowing up on someone. and regretting it. Let it out, clear your head and do some damage control before evaluating what steps you have to take to get yourself out of this pit.

Try to reconnect with your inner child, let that child within you have their moment. Do something simple and childish, colour a book, draw. Do something you've always wanted to do, surround yourself with people you love and your friends, let them help you. Trust that those who care about you have your back. Do not let this temporary setback make you lose sight of what you want. This stressful and dark time you are going through is coming to an end. The only reason this moment seems endless to you, is because it is YOU that is unintentionally dragging this moment. Maybe you're stretching on an argument, or clinging onto a grudge, or just simply holding onto bad habits. You are hurting yourself at this point, and there is no one else to blame but yourself. Accept this pain, let go of this grudge or actually try to stop repeating bad habits. And it's not easy. I have a smoking habit myself, but I am taking steps. I haven't smoked for a month now and it has taken too many failed attempts for me to get here. Do not prolong this situation, because when you fall it will hurt even more. Try stepping out of your comfort zone, baby steps is perfectly fine. For me, getting out of my comfort zone meant wearing more form fitting outfits. I started with crop tops and a jacket over, then moved onto just crop tops and jeans. Then only recently have I gotten the confidence to get out of the house in flared leggings. Very simple, yet so effective in telling you: "Hey, it's okay. See, You're fine. You look so beautiful when you're confidently wearing what you want.". Everyone's journey is different, take your time, but taking the steps is what matters.

Cat 2:

There is someone (or was someone) in your life that absolutely changed your life for the best, someone that was there for you in your hardest time. You might be feeling a bit guilty in the sense that they are always there for you, that whatever you give them (or want to give them) seems inadequate, or maybe this person is not in your life anymore and you feel guilt for not expressing your gratitude while they were there. The guilt is weighing you down, and might be leading to insecurities as well. Just know that even a simple acknowledgement and thanks is a gift, while not the most extravagant, it does hold meaning. Open your heart, let them know how grateful you are. And if you struggle with this, a small simple, meaningful gift will always send the message. A gift is a gift, it's the thought that matters. Let this person know, that you appreciate them for more than the comfort they bring you. And if they aren't in your life anymore and it feels like it's too late, it can be as simple as a journal entry addressed to this person. Pour out your heart and write the letter as though you would send it to them if they were present. Or maybe you went through a rocky split up (romantic, platonic) and you want to reach out but you're unsure whether or not you should. Give it a shot. If the other person doesn't respond or responds very harshly, let it go. At least you tried. Or maybe things just fell apart. Me and a few of my high school friends went to different colleges and just stopped chatting with each other. And even now, it's so awkward to try and chat with them, but also so awkward to unfollow them.

Take some time off if you can, maybe during a special occasion. If you're celebrating something with this person, let it be more intimate. Maybe with close friends/family or even just you and this person. Make time for this person, like they do for you. Or maybe it's a day that reminds you of them, honour them by doing something they enjoyed. One thing my grandmother enjoyed doing when she was alive was travelling to sacred, religious places where I live. Every year, my family and I go to these places, pray for her and have fun because she would have wanted that for us. If you've had a split up with this person with so many unsaid things, reach out. Get your closure, clear the air of misunderstandings if there are. If it's with someone you've gradually lost touch with and the awkwardness has stopped you from reaching out. Don't. Reply to their story, send them messages or posts online. let them know that you want to rekindle the friendship. Let them know, that you are also wanting to have this relationship (platonic, romantic). I've said to try and rekindle the relationships/reach out so many times and here I am saying it again: MEND THE RELATIONSHIP!!! BUILD BACK THE FUCKING BRIDGE! Forgive them, but also most importantly, forgive YOURSELF!! It's normal being hard on yourself. This however, what you're saying/doing to yourself is not it bbg. You need love right now, sweet summer child, not criticism. Put your inner critic on the back seat, let your inner healer take control. Do some self care. Face masks, spa, massage, manicure/pedicure. Take care of yourself.

Cat 3:

You're in a crisis. You have conflicting emotions that are fluctuating so fast it's giving you whiplash. Maybe you're facing a choice where you have to leave what you have known. Maybe you're home for further studies or maybe you're planning on moving homes or cutting off contact with family or friends you've known for a long time. It's difficult, because you are potentially leaving what you've always known, what your comfortable with/or people who you've known for a long time. There will always be people who will not support your decision, especially if you're cutting off contact with close family members or friends who you used to always be with. This crisis/conflicting emotions are more so due to you not wanting to deal with criticism from people you've grown up with and less to do with whether you want to do it or not. Because you do. You know it is what you want, but the potential of people's reaction is what's stopping you. If you always walk on eggshells when making decisions, to appease the people around you, you won't make it far. Stop caring about the opinion of people who don't have your best interests at heart.

Maybe what you are pursuing (If it is further studies/a job) is something that you've always wanted to pursue but have been discouraged to do so because it: "Won't put a roof over your hear head and feed you". A creative job/study. Art, music, dance, literally anything that requires creativity. Don't let these people have you give up on your dreams and instead have you slave away at a stressful office job/"prestigious" job. Don't be afraid to splurge on yourself once in a while. Treat yourself to a nice dinner in a fancy restaurant, or buy yourself something you've always wanted. Or even simpler, take a self care day. Take your time bathing, put on a face mask, dress yourself up (even if it is just to go get groceries) If you want to see change, you must initiate it. Don't be a sheep that follows people around mindlessly, take control/the reins if you have to. Assert yourself. Let your opinions stand out, true and strong.

Cat 4:

You're stretching out something tense, maybe an argument, maybe something that really angered you. And i'm not saying that you're anger is not justified. It is, what's not justified is how you're dragging this out. Blowing this situation out of proportion, making a mountain out a molehill. You are getting on the defensive, feeling the strong urge to prove that you are correct or that you didn't do something (or perhaps did) But at this point you're arguing at the wall honey. Know when to stop your battles, get yourself in check before the universe slaps you in the face. The other party has already dropped out, not wanting to spend their time arguing an age old issue. Come to terms with what happened, and try to calmly speak your mind. If you can't, journal it. let it go.

This conflict has you shaken and feeling unsure. What I'm getting is to make sure you're not biased, make sure to listen to the other person's side as well. Just listen and make your decision then. Because if you make a decision right now, it will only be more chaotic. Don't make a decision yet, wait, give yourself some space to clear your head because you're mind is not in the right space to make important decisions right now. Maybe this conflict is between you and a friend or a sibling/family member. I'm feeling that this conflict could be solved if you were to communicate, but there is such a clear lack of it that I am quite speechless. Talk things out, calmly and clearly, let them know how they hurt you and let them apologize/talk as well. Forgive if you can. Enforce boundaries with this person, maybe they overstepped despite your warnings and it was what caused this conflict. Remember, forgiving is good but it's not necessary to heal. If this person has been constantly overstepping your boundaries, firmly set them and cut off contact if you must. Or just be very firm and strict with your boundaries, you might have a habit of caving in to this person walking all over you. Not anymore.

[pardis-dhyai]

Hello! I just found this blog and read through all your content, I love it so far :) May I request for Zhongli, Diluc, Kazuha, Wanderer, and Alhaitham reacting to reader making self-deprecating jokes a lot or implying that they could do better?

i'm so glad you like the blog anon <3 extremely happy that all of you have been so wonderful so far! gives me more motivation to write. i've got you! i'm assuming you're asking for this in the context of being chubby, so that's what i'll go with!

with an insecure chubby partner

characters featured: zhongli, diluc ragvindr, kaedehara kazuha, scaramouche/wanderer, al-haitham

pronouns used: none--second person perspective.

warnings: mentions of fatphobia and general themes of insecurity/self loathing based on body type, usage of pet names (my treasure, my dearest, dove) (zhongli, diluc, kazuha), physical touch as comfort (all)

notes: written with a chubby reader in mind. will not work if you aren't chubby.

zhongli will hear nothing of it when you express to him that you feel he could do so much better than you, whether you frame it as a joke or not. "nonsense, my treasure. I would love you no matter what form you took, and I am quite partial to this one as it stands. I have changed my own appearance many, many times over the years--and not a single one could measure up to your beauty." he gently takes you in his arms, his embrace warm and all-encompassing as any doubts left lingering melt away. zhongli is not a man who withholds any praise whatsoever, and this conversation will just encourage him to make it even more frequent. what kind of a partner would he be if his most cherished one didn't know just how adored they are?

diluc ragnvindr is stunned into silence for a good while. if anything, he is the one who feels unworthy of you, so you'll have to forgive him for just blinking owlishly at you for a few moments as he processes and thinks of how he wants to respond. "I...that's nonsense, my dearest. has someone been rude to you to bring this on? if so, please don't hesitate to let me know and I will take care of it. or perhaps I have not been vocal enough about how appealing you are. or--" you have to cut him off with a hug before he gets too upset on your behalf. he laughs sheepishly as you gently run a hand through his hair to soothe him. he's supposed to be consoling you, not the other way around! diluc being diluc, you both end up curled up on the couch to have an earnest and sincere talk about your feelings. he knows he isn't the best at expressing himself, and you make him want to change that.

kaedehara kazuha fixes you with a gentle but firm gaze and a raised eyebrow. "whatever would make you think that, dove? is this your way of letting me know I haven't been affectionate enough lately?" he's concerned, but he knows exactly what's going on--he can read you too well. he just wants you to explicitly speak your mind in your own words and tell him yourself what's eating you. and when you do, insecurities bubbling out of you like a fountain, he listens. after you finish, he nods thoughtfully, gently taking your hand and rubbing circles with his thumb. "you have far too harsh a view of yourself. not only are you attractive in body, but in soul as well. I believe I have chosen my partner well, and you cannot decide who or what is what I really need, as harsh as that may sound. accept that I chose you and continue to choose you, and that any perceived inadequacies are just that--perceived. not truth." leave it to kazuha to be gentle and wise, putting the rest of your fears to bed.

wanderer can't stop himself from outright scoffing. "are you stupid? who are you to decide who is or isn't good for me?" when your distress doesn't ebb, he sighs, grabbing you by the shoulders and looking you directly in the eyes as he seems to fluster just a bit. "look at me. I'm only gonna say this once, so you had better pay attention. I love you. I think you're the most attractive person ever. anyone who thinks otherwise is an absolute coward judging others on their body type. it's shallow to only love someone based on appearances, and it's just stupid to tell someone that's attractive that they're not. there. happy now?" he's so flustered by the end of his little speech, his gaze dropping to the floor as his hands still stay on your shoulders. he says he'll only say this once, but...you're too important to him. he's going to do this again.

al-haitham actually closes the book he's reading, his gaze softening in a way that's almost imperceptible if you don't know him well. "well, to begin, thank you for trusting me and telling me. as much as I respect your honesty about your feelings, factually you're incorrect. even if I didn't find you physically attractive, a human being is made up of much more than just their appearance. judging a person solely on one thing is reductionist and a frankly ineffective way of measuring worth. I didn't know you took me for a shallow man." he's teasing you with the last sentence, his tone shifting to his sarcastic lilt, and as you smirk in response you can find no fault in his logic. he has always been the one to tout that "uniqueness is an asset" and to disregard the opinions of others in terms of his life, so you can take comfort in knowing he backs up his words with his actions and personal philosophies. he's got his own way of doing things, but you will never want for reassurance if you should want or need it. he knows you're strong, but as any biologist will tell you, humans are social creatures. he's happy to provide you, the one that has more than earned it, with his support.

[teenandbeyond]

So I saw your headcanons for Bakugou and Aizawa, what kind of boyfriend would Midoriya be?

Midoriya Imagine

What type of boyfriend he'd be

Want more from me? mAsterList

I was just thinking about this when considering him for a love interest for my OC, fortunately for you, this is still fresh on my mind lol

☆*: .｡. .｡.:*☆☆*: .｡. .｡.:*☆

An awkward romantic.

By this, I mean he's awkward about his romanticness.

"W-we can share a crepe if you want?"

"Am I allowed to k-kiss you?"

Very shy, even after he's dating you.

Takes you on cute, simple dates. But plans like a pro. Like if the date doesn't work out, he has a plan B, C, D...J, K...

Though he'd be a bit better about shyness once he gets used to you.

Insecure about himself deserving you.

You'll have to assure him when you notice.

He can be kinda hard on himself, including with you. If he feels like he's not doing enough, he will feel suuuper bad.

You will be a priority, but not his first. He can be a neglectful boyfriend sometimes due to him putting hero work first...and sometimes that's all he thinks about.

But he's observant, so after a while, he'll notice.

And he quickly notices when your emotions shift.

He catches on to your ticks, habits, etc.

And writes them down in a special notebook just for you.

Pegs me as the type to track your period if you have one

Like, the day of he'll stop by with stuff and you're like, "Um...how?"

Or if you have hair, he'll have most hair items/products you might've forgotten or needed

Or if you forget to eat in the mornings, without needing to ask he'll hand you a breakfast muffin or something.

I see him being insecure about his scars until you kiss them all and tell him they're beautiful, leaving him flushed red.

Will shyly let you count his freckles if you like.

Once he's comfortable enough, will join in when you do weird stuff.

Whatever it is.

Seriously.

Will make you laugh more often than you'd expect.

Will motivate you to do more in life, but doesn't hold it against you if you don't make drastic changes.

If you have long hair, he will have the urge to braid it.

He gives hair-touching vibes. If you allow him to.

His love languages are definitely acts of service and words of affirmation.

Will happily do things for you.

And will always make sure he tells you how great you are, how much he loves you, etc.

There will be conflict sometimes.

He's reckless and will easily toss his life away for a stranger. You have to tell him he can't do that, he needs to care more about his life, and he has people who need him here, including you.

You think he has such low value for his life due to him being Quirkless and from bullying. So you'll have to help him unlearn this mindset.

If he feels like he needs to protect you, he will distance himself every time.

He's...incredibly protective. One of the rare instances Midoriya will lose control of his anger is when he's protecting those he cares for.

And you never tell him you find it attractive.

He doesn't really get jealous as much as insecure about how he treats you.

"Maybe they might treat [Name] better..."

Once you get past that phase, though, he's okay.

The type of boyfriend to cry because you're crying, even if he doesn't know why you are.

I actually don't see Midoriya as being extremely affectionate but will give it to you based on the level you want.

He melts from your praise.

And takes your opinion almost more seriously than All Might's...and that's saying a lot.

He's patient but un-patient. He can be patient for you, but it takes a lot of effort, he likes to know things, to cheer you up, to make you happy.

DENSE.

Like, he learns as he goes along...but he starts out very dense.

Definitely supportive of what you do, but if it's something he doesn't particularly agree with, he will still voice his opinion on the matter.

I see your relationship being quiet, the little moments matter more...but then other times, you're either chaotic or nerding out.

Midoriya will often nerd out about heroes, so expect that. Like, you could be walking by a hero on the street and his energy will go ⬆

Communication is a must if you want a relationship to work with him. He has a lot of bad habits and he won't know unless you tell him. That, and he needs to get better at communicating himself, he has a hard time with that.

Gamer.

I feel he's a gamer in his free time and gamers can have potty mouths.

So I feel like he'd try to not curse as much around you, but will still let things slip if he, say, bumps his foot against a table or something.

He'd love it if you can do each other's hobbies together, he'd feel closer to you.

[pradababy333]

𝐈𝐭’𝐬 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟-𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐩𝐭!

No more sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. It’s time to change.

⋘ 𝑙𝑜𝑎𝑑𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑑𝑎𝑡𝑎... ⋙

So you’ve been trying and trying and you just can’t figure out how to change your self-concept FOR GOOD? Here’s the post for you. I’m going to be writing a guide to let go of the old story and completely changing your life in the process.

𝐝𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐞𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐢𝐬 𝐞𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡

So, you've found yourself in another spiral.

You've noticed that your circumstances are taking up too much space in your mind and you are consistently giving your power away to external sources.

Use the feelings and emotions that come with these painful experiences to propel yourself in this new direction.

The place you're in, the emotions you consistently feel and the experiences you deal with every day all stem from you and your internal state. It is extremely useful to cultivate a strong internal state (a good self-concept) in order to make your life and manifestation infinitely easier.

At one point, you need to realize that you have control over what state you are embodying. You have the ability to use your own intention and conviction to shift your state to something much more useful and desirable.

𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐛𝐢𝐛𝐢, 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐝𝐨 𝐈 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞 𝐦𝐲 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐞?

I'm so glad you asked!

Changing your state is all about intention. I learned about this from @sexyandhedonistic's own 24 hours self-concept post (she also talks about states more on her blog if you're curious). Once you decide on the state you desire to embody, that simple decision will allow you to enter that state.

You can understand what states are a bit more through this example:

If I am feeling sad, sorry for myself, and insecure, I am embodying an insecure state. I make decisions, I act in certain ways, and I carry myself based on this internal state. Now, if I decide to embody a state of confidence, power, and happiness, then I am embodying that state. I can now make decisions and see my life through that lens, which improves everything about my life.

This is what it means to think from your desire. You embody the state of the wish fulfilled, whatever that may be for you, and you think, react, and live from that state.

The thing that really opened my eyes and allowed me to decide to change FOR GOOD was this idea of how easy it is to change your state. I see it as a redirection on a moment-to-moment basis that will eventually become your natural state. Feeling safe and confident in the present moment is much easier than thinking about becoming perfect without any room for bumps in the road. You are allowed to have an imperfect journey.

Wavering is fine, and having a slip-up is fine, but remember to always be committed to returning to your new story no matter what.

𝐨𝐛𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐢𝐭𝐮𝐝𝐞𝐬

Mental diet time! Going back to the basics is always the best way to start over. Mental diet is one of the first things you should be learning about the law of assumption.

Basically, this means that you observe your thoughts, reactions, and opinions on things in your life. Notice what you often daydream about. What is your internal dialogue like? Is it positive or is it negative? Be as honest with yourself as possible - the more honest you are, the faster you will be able to change your beliefs for the better.

You don't have to worry about every thought you have. The purpose of the mental diet is to take notice of why the 3D has so many undesirable circumstances manifesting right now. You will see exactly why people in your life act the way they do, why you're not getting results, and why you keep repeating the same cycles. There is no need to fear your thoughts because we're going to change them!

𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐥𝐨𝐚

Stop the information overload in its tracks. Get clear on the basics and run with that. The rest will come.

Here are the most important points you need:

The law of assumption = what you assume to be true (your dominant thoughts and beliefs), will manifest in your physical reality Manifestation is shifting your conscious awareness to a reality that matches your dominant thoughts and beliefs. You are the operant power, you are the god of your reality, and you can manifest anything you want. To manifest anything: Assume what you want is yours, feel the wish fulfilled, and persist in that belief (persist = don't give up) The only way you can fail is if you give up. There is no failure in the law of assumption. The 4D (your imagination) is the basis of your 3D reality. The 3D (the physical) is only a reflection of the 4D. Therefore, if you change within, you will change without.

𝐟𝐨𝐜𝐮𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟 & 𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐚 𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠

You can do this in any way you want: make a list, create affirmations, make a vision board, make a subliminal, script it, whatever! As long as you get clear to the very last detail you can muster of how you want your life to be. It’s important to be clear about it so you know what to focus on.

This will be your new story. You're leaving behind the thoughts and beliefs you've had in the past that have not served you.

𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐢𝐬𝐭

Changing your state is the easy part, sticking to your new story requires repeated redirecting back to your desired state. No matter what is going on in your 3D, no matter how you feel, refocus.

Continue to choose your desired state until it becomes your natural state.

Keep refocusing. I don't care if it’s hard. I don't care if your 3D is literally falling apart before your eyes. This is your life. Don't you want to experience the life of your dreams? Persist. Even if it seems like it's "not working" never stop persisting.

𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟-𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐩𝐭 𝐚𝐟𝐟𝐢𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬

I am the god of my reality

I always manifest instantly

I have the perfect self-concept

I have the best assumptions

I am living my best life

I love my life

Life is kind to me

Everything always works out for me

Everything always goes my way

I never have to worry about a thing

Life is so easy for me

My life is so blessed

I am stronger than the 3D circumstances

𝐫𝐞𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬

You are strong The 3D has no power over you This is your reality Changing your internal reality (your self-concept) will change your external reality

If you’re new to the loa, please read my intro to the loa!

[evangelinesbible]

MY SOLAR RETURN

Giving you all a look at my solar return and giving descriptions of my planets and angles. I’ve already done a post taking about my asteroids and other objects. Although I did get a chart reading from “AriesJupiter” here on tumblr I’ll be putting my own interpretations too.

PLANETS

SUN - PISCES 12H

The sun sign is always going to be your natal sun so the house placement is what really matters. Sun in the 12H might mean that this year will be full of self reflection on the ego. taking the time this year to really dig deep and figure out all of blockages and insecurities I have. Becoming more spiritual, taking extra care of my metal health, and figuring out the true intentions behind my desires. 12H is the last house in the zodiac so this year might be the end of endless cycles that I've been going through in the years past.

MOON - SAGITTARIUS 8H

Same sign as my natal (lol) but different house. This year will probably be very emotional and will involve events that will transform me emotionally. I might find the freedom that I've been longing to have, and it will forever change me. How positive I am and my beliefs may change this year and will stay that way for a long time. anything that I've experienced in the past that has traumatized me or left me feeling hurt I might be able to emotionally face this year and it will help me figure out what it means to feel emotionally free.

MERCURY - PISCES 12H

My mind might be in a constant state of escapism (more than it usually is lol) I might be making plans in secret this year that pertain to music/the arts/acting. I might become more private and seclusive this year and keep most of my thoughts/ideas to myself. if I have a lot of dreams this year I should probably write them down. Again since the 12H is about closure than anything that I've been writing or planing for the past few years will finally be complete and ready to distribute to the world.

VENUS - ARIES 1H

Since the 1H can represent new beginnings Venus being in the 1H can mean that physically I change my style or I find ways to enhance my beauty with whatever else gets naturally enhanced this year. More bold and trendsetting styles/makeup. This year might also feel like a new start in self love and finding new things that I enjoy to do. with it being in Aries it could mean that I might be more adventurous this year and do things spontaneously in ways that boost my self esteem and self love. people will see it too, they'll see my beauty in a new way, they'll see how confident I am, and they'll see how independent Ive become. I might be more spontaneous in relations as well, I might become very confident flirting and showing my body.

MARS - GEMINI 3H

This year I might be moving at a faster pace. wanting to do everything just cause. I might want to do thing that involves seeing other people and communicating with people. I might put all my energy into making more connections with people online. issues with siblings might happen since mars does rule over aggression.

JUPITER - ARIES 1H

Most of my luck will involve my physicality. I might get many opportunities and are money because of my looks/beauty/body. I'll have a lot of luck doing things independently (meaning working for myself). I might gain some popularity or grow to be known as someone who is independent and confident in themselves and style. This placement might mean that three a glow to me this year that everyone will be able to see.

SATURN - PISCES 12H

Although it is apparent that there will be many things ending for me this year that doesn't mean that till be tied up in a pretty little bow. ill have to make hard choices to get where I want to go mentally, physically and in success. a lot of blockages and many times this year I'll feel extremely mental drained and challenged. finding way to turn my escapism and tendency to daydream into something substantial will be a way I might mature this year. Another way is tapping into my empathy and kindness more. Might be best for me to stay clear of drugs and alcohol this year.

URANUS - TAURUS 2H

An expected event happening with money. Either gaining a bunch or loosing a lot. I'm leaning towards gaining a bunch just cause its in taurus so I'm holding out hope. life might seem a bit unstable this year. going out with friends might involve spending a lot of money together, so going shopping, dressing up to go to restaurants, ect.

NEPTUNE - PISCES 12H

Plans involving music will be completing this year and will heavily involve secrets, confessions of the mind, and involve my wildest dreams. I'll take more about Neptune in the aspects part of this post.

PLUTO - CAPRICORN 11H

Major transformations for me will involve my social circles and how I present myself online. A situation with a friend/some I consider a friend will transform me the most this year. I'll be obsessed with making real/long term friendships. I'll also be heavily obsessed with success and being successful and it might start with doing things online that'll get me the success I want. I'll probably transform into a very business savvy and socially smart person.

ANGLES

RISING - 7° ARIES

Aries rising can again mean fresh new starts this year and being very bold and independent. I'll start of the year very determined and headstrong. ill thrive to be confident. 7° (libra) further enhances the heavy 1H energy (meaning the Venus 1H) in this chart and makes it apparent that 1. love/self love will be very important this year, and that 2. Physical beauty will be very important this year.

IC - 4° CANCER

A good year to get closer with my mother and to just spend more time with family. another indication of it being a very emotional year.

DSC - 7° LIBRA

A good placement if expected to get into a long term relationship. If a long term relation where to happen this year it'd be naturally romantic. relationships in general will be with charismatic, lovely and caring people.

MC - 4° CAPRICORN

People will see how hard of a worker I'll be this year and see the success pay off business wise. People will see how importance success is to me and the emotional connection I have to my career endeavors. Big boss on the move.

OTHER THINGS

ASTEROIDS

CHART RULER GEMINI 3H - Along with the ASC and Sun being the main themes of the overall year, the chart being mars means that working hard towards a specific goal involving communication, and expression of my mind will also be the main theme of the year. social media and social groups will be involved as well.

MC RULER SATURN 12H - Success won't come easily but working towards it will end up with it being long term/long lasting. A lot of work done behind the sense to get to the spotlight. working in private/with secret groups will be beneficial.

SOME OTHER DEGREES

PLUTO 29° - a karmic degree that is considered a fame placement since its in Leo. fame is possible but at what cost? admitting my obsessions, selfishness, mistakes and dark desires to the world (in this case online since Pluto is in the 11H) for the chance of fame/popularity this year.

POF 17° - another fame degree that isn't considered karmic unlike 29°. It being in the 9H Sagittarius could mean luck, prosperity, and fame in the media. Could also mean gaining popularity on the road and with people in far away places.

CHIRON/JUPITER/VESTA 14° - 14° is a taurus degree, and given to these placements means that there's a Taurus influence. for all of them it could mean that artistic expression is needed. for Chiron it could mean that the things I heal from this year will involve using my art to do so. for Jupiter it could mean making money this year with the arts, and for Vesta it could mean that my internal flame is ignited this year when doing artistic things. (especially singing)

SATURN 0° - 0° is a critical degree and can indicate that the sign the planet/object is in is at its purest. The restrictions and challenges I'll face this year will be the first time I ever experience them.

SOME ASPECTS

NEPTUNE CONJUNCT SUN - With Neptune ruling melodies(music) and sun representing attention this could optionally mean that any music I relate will gain a lot of attention. my happiness and identity will be heavily involved with the themes of Neptune. So, creativity, music, and future plans. this could also mean being seen as glamours and getting attention from my glamor/mystique this year

VENUS/NN/JUNO TRINE MC - Trines are very harmonious and often bring luck in whatever is being aspected. Venus trine MC can bring natural luck with ingraining my beauty and arts with my career. NN can mean that natural luck and ability to achieve my destiny in my career was mean to happen this year. Juno can mean finding someone who shares the same career goals as me.

OVERALL VIBE

With old doors closing, new ones are ready to open.

Its up to me if I just simply knock and wait

Or walk right in and claim wants mine

- SM

happy late birthday to me 🎂 💋

- ⚜️💫⚜️

[thrashkink-coven]

Ritual Report: Wednesday July 26, 2023

My glorious and profound Father Lucifer, I thank you humbly for this marvellous experience as well as your permission to share this experience with my peers. You are infinite in your loving grace and wisdom. I revere you deeply and truly. Thank you, bless you. 🖤

“My Ritual with Lord Lucifer was fucking Amazing

I didn’t truly understand what everyone meant when they say that the Marvellous Light Bringer is beautiful and gracious beyond comprehension before this ritual. It’s been a day and I am still absolutely shaken and awe inspired. Ave the wonderful prince of darkness, Lord Lucifer. 🖤

Ritual with Lucifer (Holy Shit) (1)

Okay guys I’m not trying to be dramatic, seriously. I’m just super ?!??? aaaa ?? after the ritual I just did? But in a really great way. I just need to get this out and write this down because I’m ??? so happy? ? aa

I didn’t consider myself to be a Luciferian, but I’ve been reaching out to Lucifer for a little bit now, nothing super intense but I have definitely felt his presence and done some small offerings for him. Another spirit I work very often with is very close with Lucifer, and through him I came into contact with The Prince. I’ve worked a lot with other angels but I’ve only really started dabbling with Lucifer within the last year. He’s been good to me. Whatever whatever, just context.

I wanted to do something a little deeper, really get a solid good connection. Honestly, I just wanted to get to know him better. I’ve been thinking about him very often, seeing him in dreams. The energy in my room almost called for it. Idk.

A mutual of mine who also works with Lucifer suggested I try meditating with an enn. I’ve been meeting an unusually high number of people who also work with Lucifer within the past few weeks and they’re always sharing awesome resources I’ve never seen. As soon as I start thinking about him long enough I’ll see something that I could use to work with him. I recently went to a trip to Nelson BC and picked up these Hermetic Tarot Cards. Also came to find out that the town has a SUSPICIOUS amount of occult imagery (and a Freemason temple? very cool.)

Life is one funny motherfucker.

I think it’s worth noting that before I started this ritual, when I was writing up invocations for him, I drew a card out of a box of oracle cards that reads “become willing to see the innocence in that which you condemn” which I found very baffling at the time because I was grappling with nerves around the ritual. I’m like a full time witch so I usually don’t get the jitters in rituals. Angels usually never make me nervous, and Lucifer in no way scares me. I don’t at all see him as an evil scary thing, quite the opposite, but I was raised extremely Christian so it’s ingrained in me. I was just having that split second satanic panic thing. I think that’s important to acknowledge. Lovely shadow work exposing my deep prejudices and insecurities :)

I began the ritual by drawing his sigil on the desk in white chalk. I had already prepared a candle carved with the sigil. I like to use this card from the Goetic Tarot whenever I do rituals with Lucifer because the artwork is so stunning. This was also the first time I was using these Hermetic Tarot cards and they were wonderful, probably one of my favourite decks now.

After some meditative exercises and prayers I layer back on the floor and listened to music for a while. I do all my rituals like this naked. I like to listen to classical music when I’m preparing to go into a trance because it tickles my brain and is easy to ride. Gets all the goo out? I don’t know.

After a while of that I switched it to the enns…

So, the Enns…

I started with Lucifer’s Enn by Demonic Enn. It filled my chest. It was powerful and intimidating and my heart was pounding. It was overwhelming for me. What I felt in it was power, but not the Lucifer I’m familiar with I guess. A different aspect of Lucifer that is mighty and strong but unfamiliar. Not my Lucifer.

((Honestly the instrumentals are top tier and I really could feel it’s power but the dude’s voice just threw me off. I’m sorry I don’t know if we’re allowed to leave reviews on enns but it just wasn’t my favourite.))

It scrambled the fuck out of me and it made me nervous again. I started to doubt myself and wondered if I was making a mistake. I know that sounds stupid but I was caught in the adrenaline. What if the Lucifer I’ve felt all this time isn’t what I thought? I know that everyone experiences him differently, but what if I’m reaching out to someone I don’t really understand? I know Lord Lucifer is an extremely powerful entity and I don’t wanna fuck around and do something stupid, yknow?

I sat for a moment and then asked my deck the first question of the ritual. “What advice can you give me to continue this ritual? Am I making a mistake?”

I got this Nine of Swords, Lord of Despair and Cruelty.

“The Nine of Swords suggests that dark thoughts and disturbing feelings are weighing you down. You are worrying excessively about a situation, and your negative thoughts are getting the better of you, leaving you stressed and anxious. The more you associate with your fears, the more they will rule your life. The fear and worry in the Nine of Swords can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. As you obsess over what may go wrong, you are more likely to manifest your worst-case scenario.”

I was freaking myself out, and I needed to calm down. The jitters were holding me back and I needed to regain focus. Stop being a little bitch, basically. And idk… as soon as I read that card, I was calm again, and the energy felt warm. He needed me to preserve. I was safe with him, and he was guiding me through the darkness. If he is the Lucifer I know him to be, he will guide me well.

I tried one more enn which was Lucifer’s Enn by Carl Spartacus. Beautiful.

This is the most vivid trance I have ever been in. Like holy shit. I don’t know how best to describe this without sounding totally crazy. My body completely relaxed as I fell into the music. My face got warm, I felt embrace around my shoulders and chest. As soon as it began I saw a warm light emerge from the darkness behind my eyes. The familiar energy of the Lucifer I’ve come to know emerged. I felt close to him like I always had, it was like he was standing right before me. Like he could just reach out and touch me.

I emerged in shrubbery, I was surrounded by trees and bushes. As I turned to look into the clearing I saw a magnificent illuminating light. The energy was rich, so heavy I could reach out and grab it. I felt warmth blanket my entire body, and I began to drift from the ground and float towards him. If I didn’t know any better Id fucking swear I was levitating in the real world. It felt that real. His energy elevated and touched every part of my body and filled it with absolute bliss. There were others there, naked men and women surrounding him and singing, floating around him with laughter and glee. We were in a large stretch of field now, prancing around like children, the drum of his energy pounding like thunder and lifting us into the air. I didn’t know these people, if they were spirits or humans, but we were all in love with each other. We held hands and swung each other around. We were all so happy to be together.

Lucifer was a tall masculine energy with long black hair and deep, gentle, wise black eyes. Like all the others he was naked and seemed to glow. He took us all up and we drifted among the clouds. He danced with us, his smile was light itself.

This was all so vivid. I could feel the wind and heat on my skin. I got butterflies as we drifted. I actually felt like I was floating. Honestly I was high on it, maybe I still am.

And then, I felt my body sit forward, and I returned to our world. The candle which I had carved Lucifer’s sigil on stood tall and I could feel him within the flame. He whispered for me to come closer. It was then that I heard his voice. His smooth, gentle, careful voice. It was a whisper that washed over me like mist. Had I not been in such a high state of mind it would have scared the shit out of me.

He said in great vividness “Why have you come before me?” (Deal time!!!)

I replied simply that I wanted to know him. I said that I could not worship him, for I must worship myself. I seek him not for religion but because I have great love and reverence for him. Through magick we can connect and come to know each other. I hope only that he can show me how to be more like him. Powerful and dominant, warm and protective. He is beautiful, illuminating knowledge and purity. I want nothing more than to know him as one would know an old friend. Behold his energy, magnificent and splendid. May we dance together like we just did for as long as it serves us. He seemed very satisfied with that answer.

Lucifer commanded me to draw a card from the tarot deck, the question to which was essentially “will you take me as one of you kin, Lord Lucifer?”

I drew the Sun. Lord of the Fire of the World. Success, radiance and abundance. The Sun gives you strength and tells you that no matter where you go or what you do, your positive and radiant energy will follow you and bring you happiness and joy. This beautiful, warm energy is what will get you through the tough times and help you succeed.

We then spoke for a bit about fire and its ability to purify. It is a powerful force with the power to harm, but it is a mighty cleanser of impurity. He asked me to put my hand above the flame to feel it’s heat. I promised to always respect that flame. Allow it to burn away all that does not serve us, to never abuse it, to never try to control it. He kissed me on the forehead.

I was beyond happy. I offered him my smoky quarts and obsidian tower just to give him something, and when I did I saw him bow to me when he reached out to accept. I bowed back, and he bid me farewell for now. When I was finally completely out of the trance, his protective energy was still there. Actually it’s still everywhere, filling my altar. I can’t describe this feeling.

I can’t explain how rich and beautiful that energy was, how marvellous it felt to float in his orbit like that. The physical sensations were realer than reality. I’m still shaken. I feel ridiculously lucky which is a strange feeling I’ve never really had with a deity before. It’s so strong. aaa

I can’t bring myself to clean up the ritual lol.

Thanks for reading this holy fuck, I guess I’m a bit of a Luciferian now “

Ave the wondrous Lord Lucifer! ❤️🖤

[weebsinstash]

Dunno if you watched SK8 the Infinity, but one important conflict is literally the protagonist Reki becoming extremly insecure and unmotivated in skating after seeing how his new friend Langa (a snowboarder) who has barely started skating is a prodigy and so much better at it than him, who has been skating since he was a child.

Langa is naturally talented at skating while Reki works hard and still cannot measure up to someone who just started, which makes him consider quit skating altogether and leads him to distance himself from Langa because of insecurity and jealousy.

Those type of scenarios just pull at the heartstrings, you know?? Like there is nothing worse than working hard and still feeling inferior to the people around you, which DOES make for juicy angsty scenarios :)(

No but literally those are the kinds of plots where you kinda immerse yourself in the grief and it can be empowering to see your underdog recover, but also GOD is that shit so depressing and hits close to home, for real the kind of plots I soak up and throw pity parties for myself for lol

You know I've been pretty open about it but like, every so often I get compliments on my writing that are very sweet, but ultimately I do have to acknowledge like 😅 I AM basically a self taught high school drop out. So especially when I personally start writing about these sorts of stories "lol what if Reader is a depressed fucking loser absolutely struggling through the mediocre machinations of life and has Strong Hot Person come save them" like. You know where that's coming from lmao 😂 extremely unsettle but I figure what I write is usually relatable enough that it's like why the fuck not be a little personal sometimes

God though I had initially considered that when I was talking about like the Spiderverse You vs YouTwo ideas, initially considered making YouTwo drastically superior to you, but the route I've decided on is, you're on equal footing and there are certain things you each do better than the other but, seeing them be better than you at anything is salt in your wounds since you're feeling replaced.

I also like obviously have mentioned it several times but like. Living with Damian Wayne specifically would be absolute awful for this scenario, especially if you make your yandere mean or whatever. Like you could be minding your own goddamn business doing your favorite hobby and have this snot nosed fucking 10 year old (this one, the nasty one, before he gets tamed down, potentially by you?) and he's just like "that's not how you're supposed to do it" and physically takes it out of your hands, does it for you, and explains to you what you were doing wrong the entire time

Like imagine platonic yandere Damian who can't communicate his feelings for shit and is still deep in his Little Hellion Phase so you think he's just constantly insulting you and trying to show how much better and smarter than you he is when in reality he's just like. Very Poorly being like, "oh, a chance to show my sibling how cool and smart I am, and then I can teach them and they'll like me :) and they like to learn new things so I should teach them as much as I know and they can feel smart too :)" and on your end you're thinking he's an egotistical MEAN little kid who's making you extremely insecure and feel worthless and stupid and maybe sometimes often he's, not always using the best language with you because he wasn't really raised with kindness. "Why would you think THAT'S how you do it?" With a tone like youre a fucking idiot, "I don't understand what you're not seeing, I've been doing this for years and I'm an actual child"

like genuinely it's all of those "someone else one upping you" ideas but WORSE because you can't leave this fucking house and he's TEN. Youve got a fucking TEN YEAR OLD physically and mentally one upping you CONSTANTLY with the mental abilities of like a fucking adult man. I feel like the entire family being trained in violence, you'd think they would understand having like a physical fight and have probably had many themselves, but the second YOU lose your temper and put a hand on any of THEM, SACRILEGE. Damian couldve been saying the cuntiest things to your face and the SECOND you swing on him, just absolutely lose your shit, suckerpunch that brat in his face, give him a literal black eye that he didn't block because he didn't expect his beloved sibling to hit him, Bruce is UP YOUR ASS about, "you know better than this! That's your brother!!" like straight up, I think messing with one of the Robins or members of his family is the fastest way to have yandere Bruce lose patience with you and do something less loving. Takes away privileges, grounds you, makes you do labor around the house or labor for him in the cave or Damian, forces you to apologize and also acknowledge "that my brother just wanted what was best for me 🙄"

He's the kind of overbearing calculating shit where he waits until everyone is at the family dinner table and he casually pauses in between spoonfuls of soup, "so I see sister has been sneaking out of the house. You didn't do a very good job of washing the cigarette smoke out of your jacket" ousting you in a double whammy combo for sneaking out without permission AND smoking, and of course you're responding something like "you little PRICK!!" and now Bruce is standing up, jabbing a finger towards the stairs as he demands you go to your room with the unspoken threat that's he's coming up there to speak to you about this after everyone eats

Like legit living in that house would be a nightmare because everyone is gifted and everyone's doing somersaulting backflips and it's like. Lmao my knees pop when I stand up :) you're all like insanely gifted in your fields and I'm like. Normal. Some would say a simple minded burnout, even. Like. Lmao. Imagine a scenario where you're still independent and doing your own thing bur Bruce is, you know yandere mode and keeping tabs on you, and he's constantly trying to like, nudge you towards better opportunities. You're in costume on a rooftop and suddenly he's asking you about your schooling. You're working a shitty day job and one day the in universe equivalent sends you am email "based on your qualifications, this employer is interested in your resume" and its a super well paying WayneTech job that you. Turn down because you'd either fail the drug test and don't think you're good enough lmao. Bruce just tearing his hair out as he decides "ok fine I'll make your life better by force" and just starts buying your apartment building and where you work or some shit so he can improve your quality of life from the outside

[avatarrecom]

What they give you for Valentine's day

Pairing: Poly!recoms x Recom!reader

Word count: 1.1k

A/N: Omg I completely forgot to post this! Thank you all for the happy birthday wishes! Ignore my rambling through the headcanons lol.

Any thoughts?

🌍 Recom Miles Quaritch

He knows that it’s valentine's day, but it never occurred to him to get you a gift. Not until Walker and Z-dog give him an earful telling him to get you a gift asap. So Miles ditches his duties and frantically searches the entire base for a gift (because 1: Walker and Z-dog are hella protective of you and want their baby to be happy (and they're both scary as fuck when they want to, not that he will ever admit that) and 2: he doesn’t know if you’re expecting something and he doesn’t want to disappoint you). Eventually all he can find is a box of chocolates. Walker and Z-dog make him swear to go all out for your birthday to make up for the ‘pathetic’ gift. Even though you absolutely love it, I mean, chocolate is everyone's guilty pleasure right? (I will (try and fail to) fight you if you say no)

😈 Recom Lyle Wainfleet

Himself. That’s it, that’s the gift. You walk into your room to find him blue butt naked on your bed. Maybe the others have managed to convince him that just glorious nakedness isn’t enough, so maybe, he’ll tie a pretty bow around his cock, maybe not. I mean it’s Lyle, who knows what’s going through that bald head of his (probably not much but who am I to judge).

🍬 Recom Z-dog & 🥽 Recom Walker

THEY GO ALL OUT!!!! Like h-o-l-y shit. They force Miles to give the three of you the day off from work and you have a girls day (they may be though marines, but they still love them some self care). This girls day may or may not include certain spicy gifts and many, many, like I cannot empathize enough that there were many orgasms.

😎 Recom Mansk My boy may not be overly present, but he is there, he is always watching, always listening. He is always waiting… waiting for the perfect moment to… give you everything you could ever want. If you mentioned wanting to read a specific book, he’s buying it the  second he can. He buys literally everything you ever mentioned you wanted. He’s the type of guy to do that thing (I saw it on tiktok) where he goes to your amazon account (or whatever webshop you use) and buys everything you have in your cart and/or wishing list. There are four moments in a year when he goes all out spoiling you. The first is your birthday (obviously), second is your anniversary, third is Christmas and last is Valentine’s day.

(My grandpa used to do this for everyone in the family to the point it became annoying. There was this movie (or series? Idk)(in the Netherlands) about a knight named Floris and I remember watching it when I was with my grandparents and that at some point there were these people with plague masks and I was completely and utterly terrified. I literally couldn’t sleep that night and in the morning (I slept at their place) my grandpa gave me a copy of the movie and when I was packing my stuff I accidentally, on purpose ‘forgot’ it. I had nightmares for weeks lol. I never had the heart to tell him, and he never brought it up, bless his soul.)

🧯 Recom Prager I see him as the type to give you one of those jars with hundreds of sweet messages. He probably goes all out and gives you multiple jars with notes depending on how you feel. Do you feel sad? Just take a note out of the sad jar and it says how much he loves and appreciates you. Do you feel insecure? There are a hundred notes telling you how beautiful you are. And the way he describes it?! Like omg, he’ll write a note (because yes, of course they’re all hand written) that says “You are beautiful like the morning dew in the fields” or “You are the most beautiful star in the entire galaxy”.

(Omg I need a Prager to write me sweet notes 😩. I mean I’m extremely lonely. It’s a recent development by the way, my bf broke up with me through text (on my birthday, I swear, it is the most interesting birthday gift I've ever gotten, and also the only one I've gotten on my b-day👍🏻) and then I found out through a mutual friend that he’s been cheating on me with my bff for 6 months… Who wants help to egg his house? So my self esteem is extremely low right now. Not that it’s normally particularly high, matter of fact, it's shit and has been shit since got bullied first year of high school, but anywayy)

⚕️ Recom Ja He gives you a promise ring. I don’t think that the RDA would allow the Recoms to marry, especially within the squad, so a promise ring is the next best option. Getting the ring wasn’t much of an issue, but getting it in Recom size was. There were a lot of favors called in and when that didn’t work he resorted to threats or blackmail. If he wasn’t allowed to marry you, they could at least allow him this.

🧢 Recom Brown He gives you one of those cringy hoodies. Yours says “His Queen” and his says “Her King”. If he walks in the room and sees you wear your hoodie, he drops everything and changes into his own. The other Recoms make fun of you two for wearing them (mostly him, they would never make fun of you), but they’re secretly really jealous. Also, I’m like 99,99% sure that Z-dog, Walker and Prager had to persuade him to not give you something similar but with a sex joke on it.

📿 Recom Lopez You know that meme: A: “Love is a weakness and an evolutionary mistake.” B: “You are literally making a Valentine’s day card for them right now.” A: *pointing their hot glue gun threateningly* You’re on thin fucking ice.”

Lopez is person A. That’s it. (He’s definitely scrubbing glitter from his hair for days after, it’s definitely not because Lyle dumps Lopez’ entire glitter supply on his head, Lopez does the same to Lyle, but with obviously little effect)

⛓️ Recom Fike Baby boy’s love cannot be measured in gifts. He just showers you in hugs and kisses all day long. If people are giving him (and you) strange/disgusting looks, don’t worry, Brown is right behind Fike glaring at everyone who dares looking at you two. Fike ends up giving you something you’ve been wanting later on, cuz he’s unsure if you’re disappointed, you’re not and you end up making that very clear to him.

[luveline]

where I've been

Honestly! I know that the plagiarism (or too heavy inspiration) that's been happening for the last few months was accidental, but that doesn't stop it from making me feel sick to my stomach whenever I think about it. I'm so put off from writing, opening tumblr in general fills me with dread, worried I'll see another message about it. I don't know why I can't seem to get over it, I think it just cold honest truth sucks. I don't regret the way I handled things or anything like that, it's entirely over, and I don't resent anyone for it, but I just can't get over this gutted feeling I have when I think about it. The anxiety has been extreme.

I'm also insecure about my writing recently which feels so redundant like you're so wound up over people nabbing your style when you don't even like it — I know. I can't pretend to understand it. I feel like a fucking idiot pretty much every day over this and I'm so fed up and I miss writing and this community so much, I'm so embarrassed with myself for continuing to feel this way over old news

Plus a barrage of work and everconstant health issues (which are admittedly worse than my writing worries), I'm pretty much done. I feel so defeated and shitty and pathetic. I think about all the fic I've written and I feel sick because I worry I'm wasting myself and my efforts with whatever this hiccup is.

And I'm trying so hard to be kind to myself, taking all the right things and you know coming out the other side, taking care of myself again, keeping my journal optimistically.

I really don't know what my problem is. Hate comments I can't kick, extreme anxiety over my future, friends and family. I want to just be happy and come back to where I was and to stop crying over spilled milk. I NEVER want other peoples mistakes or actions to affect my relationship with writing but it's just felt a little too much. I hate that I've let anonymous messages and everything effect me so much.

I'm so sorry to all the people who've been checking in on me, friends and anons and mutuals alike, for not getting back to you, or for not reaching out to see how you're doing. I have no trouble admitting how in awe I am of the impossible kindness the majority of you possess, and this patience you have with me despite my being such a hot mess of awful. I really just hate myself so much for not being able to shake how I feel, I'm really sorry for anyone who's felt unhappy with me these couple of weeks, and I really hope I can do better by you all and get it together

[geekywritings]

“You are beautiful to me.”

Here is the first of the requests I still got in my inbox. There are quite a few of them, so thank you all for your patience in advance. I will get to all of them, I promise :D And thank you for showing my writing so much love! I absolutely adore Cal with all my heart and am so thrilled to share these stories with you!

And here is the request: “hi!! i’ve been living for all your cal kestis fics! im currently playing Survivor and i’ve always loved cal but there hasn’t been a lot of fics. so thank you!! if you’re taking requests… i would really love one about cal with a plus sized reader? it doesn’t necessarily have to be directly mentioned but just maybe insecurities the reader has but cal showing that he loves her and thinks she’s beautiful. maybe music is apart of reader’s life and she’s either apart of the mantis crew or like a koboh local? i haven’t really sent a request before so idk what you’d want but yeah… just been currently thinking about how cal would react or say in that situation… thank you” Please enjoy!

_____

Like most people on Koboh, you were looking to get away from something or someone. People here sought refuge, safety, or simply some peace. Yet they rarely talked about why they came to this desolate planet, choosing instead to focus on building a new life.

Although the community was tight, there were also troublemakers around. Or as you liked to think: “If there is a bar, there are bound to be assholes.”

You had worked in various restaurants and taverns already, and everywhere was the same. Given enough alcohol, some people would always turn nasty or cause trouble. Pyloon’s Saloon, your newest workplace, was no different. On most days, it was quiet and you could go about your day in peace. You’d either clean, help in the kitchen or serve drinks to customers, happy to help in whatever way possible to earn your keep.

Most people were extremely friendly, chatting easily with you. Your favourite guest was a certain Jedi, however, who came around far too scarcely for your liking. Cal Kestis, a friend of your boss, was often off-planet, fighting the Empire in some way. Sometimes he’d return to Koboh to recharge or to follow some other mission.

Whenever he did show up, your face brightened into a smile. The redhead was nothing but kind to you, making you laugh with his surprisingly dry and strange humor or telling you some stories about his latest adventures.

Sometimes, he’d also return beaten and battered and would sit patiently on a bar stool, while you took care of his injuries. There was a friendship between you, a bond that had formed so naturally and quickly that it often surprised you. Especially since you weren’t used to men showing any kind of interest.

You weren’t ugly, by any means! But you didn’t exactly have the figure most males were after. Certainly not handsome ones like Cal. You had always been chubby, even as a child, and eventually womanly curves got added to the mix. You liked yourself just fine, but sometimes you did wonder what it would be like to feel desired.

And on some days, you did wish you looked different. Days like this one, for example, where you were in charge of serving drinks again, while a small group of young men were playing Sabacc at a table, ordering far too much ale.

“Hey, Hutt-girl! Come and give us another round!”, one of them yelled, using one of the many insulting nicknames you had heard over the years. “And try to be quick, we are thirsty.”

You would have let it slide when suddenly a familiar voice spoke: “What did you call her?”

It was Cal! The music was so loud, you hadn’t even heard him enter the Saloon.

He was looking at the man, who had addressed you, his eyes narrowed, mouth tense. He was angry and his hand was itching to reach for his saber. But he had promised Greeze not to cause trouble of the Jedi kind in this place.

“Chill. It’s just a nickname. Hutt-girl doesn’t mind. I mean, look at her. She…”, the man slurred in Cal’s direction but didn’t get to continue, as the Jedi had quickly closed the distance and punched him straight in the face, knocking the fellow off his chair.

“Don’t call her that. She has a name.”, Cal spoke, voice icy.

The other men were instantly on their feet, though they looked unsure whether to fight or not. Cal wasn’t exactly unknown in these parts.

“Apologize to the lady.”, the Jedi demanded.

The group exchanged some looks, glancing back and forth between Cal, you, and their friend with a heavily bleeding nose. Without the alcohol, they might have taken the smart decision to follow Cal’s request. But too much ale made young men like these restless and rowdy, and a moment later one of them tried to take a swing at the Jedi.

He missed of course and Cal was quick to use his first to knock the attacker down. Within seconds, the thing escalated, all six young men attacking a single one. It wasn’t a fair fight, but Cal didn’t need help. He had dealt with much worse than troublesome drunks. Within five minutes, he was throwing the bunch out of the door, telling them to stay out.

“Thank you…”, you said, finally having found your voice again. “Cal… your lip…”

He had come out mostly unscathed, but one of the idiots had obviously landed a punch.

Cal wiped at the corner of his mouth with a thumb, noticing the blood. “No worries, I had worse.”, he replied casually, taking a seat at the bar.

“Let me get you something.”, you were quick to spring into action, grabbing a cool wet cloth for him.

“Do they often call you that?”, he asked, after you were done cleaning the busted lip. It really wasn’t as bad as it had looked at first glance.

“I’m used to it.”, you replied, trying to sound nonchalant. But the truth was, such names hurt.

“You shouldn’t be.”, Cal spoke, voice quiet and thoughtful.

The words earned him a smile, as you took a seat on the stool next to him. With the group gone, the Saloon was quiet and you could spare some time.

“Cal, I’m not blind or naïve. I know why they come up with names like that.”, you tried to explain. “I am not exactly what many would consider beautiful.”

“You are beautiful to me.”

His reply had your heart stop for a moment, your voice getting caught in your throat. What? Had you heard that correctly?

Cal seemed to notice your shock and reached out to brush his fingers against your cheek.

“You really are, Y/N. Inside and out.”

You went from not hearing your heart at all to being certain that everyone on the planet could notice it beating wildly in your chest.

“Cal… I…”, you weren’t sure what to say. How did one respond to such beautiful words?

“Everytime I come here, I hope that you are working.”, the Jedi continued, saving you from your word loss dilemma. “I look forward to hearing you laugh, to see that smile again. Whenever I am hurt, I know that you will patch me back up. Physically and emotionally.”

His hand was still on your cheek, thumb gently stroking over your skin, flushed red due to a deepening blush.

“And as long as I am around, nobody has the right to hurt you in any way. I won’t allow it. Because you are special to me, Y/N.”

He had laid out his heart to you and although your throat still felt tight, it was only fair to show him the same honesty. Part of your mind screamed a warning, that this could end badly, but you tried to drown that voice out.

“You are also special to me, Cal.”, you began. “My day gets a hundred times better whenever you walk in… I love listening to your stories… hearing your jokes… I like when you are next to me.” Was this too much? Were you interpreting his words the wrong way and running headfirst into rejection? It was too late to reconsider now, as your feelings fought to break out.

“Whenever you come back hurt, my heart breaks a little. And all I want to do is see you healthy and happy again… I miss you when you are not here. Then I find myself thinking about you…”

You didn’t have a chance to continue, as suddenly Cal’s lips were on yours. Stars, he was truly kissing you! Without thinking about it, you kissed him back, one arm sneaking around his head to play with his hair, while the other grabbed his upper arm for support.

He groaned into the kiss, as it intensified, both of you getting lost in the moment. Far too quickly it had to end, as you both remembered that you needed to breathe.

“Sorry… I should have asked…” There it was again. That caring and considerate side of his.

“No, don’t apologize. It was perfect.”, you were quick to say. “And I definitely would have said yes, anyway.”

His lips curved into a grin. “Good. I’m glad.” And with that, he leaned in for another kiss, pulling you closer this time.

“Y/N! I need some help down here!” Greeze’s voice was coming from the kitchen, breaking the moment once again.

“I should go. Boss is calling.”, you said reluctantly.

“What time do you finish?”, Cal asked.

“In an hour or so.”

“I’ll be waiting.”

You knew he would be. And the thought alone brought a smile to your face. Who would have thought that such a shitty evening could have such a beautiful end? Or was it just a beautiful beginning?