#i am a bit of a scatterbrain and it's 1 am so I apologize for any mistakes <3

[steddieworks]

finally safe for me to fall - chapter 1

hello! this is my first chapter for my new steddie fic, and I am so SO excited to start posting it!

read on ao3

Summary: Eddie Munson is trapped in a life where he feels like a burden. He needs a purpose, someone to take care of.

Enter Steve Harrington, father of twin girls, who is in desperate need of someone to take care of his daughters, and maybe himself.

Warnings for this chapter: swearing

Words: 3.7k

The collar of the stiff button-down scratches at Eddie’s neck. He has the unflinching urge to reach up and scratch, but that hardly feels appropriate right now, especially given the itch is coming from somewhere close to his mating gland. Despite being in an otherwise empty room, he knows that there are people milling about somewhere beyond these walls, and he’d be embarrassed as hell if one of them came back to find him itching at his neck like some kind of diseased freak.

Okay, maybe he’s projecting. Maybe that’s a very normal thing to do, and he’s just so out of tune with being around people that he can’t get everything together in his brain. Yeah, maybe that’s it.

He’s still deliberating about the stupid tag or string, or whatever it is that itches, when the door swings open. Eddie’s not proud of the way he jumps at the sound.

A woman stands there, well-dressed and business-like, a kind smile on her face. “Mr. Munson, correct?”

Eddie stands, subtly wiping his hand on his jeans before offering it for a handshake. “Yes, that’s me.”

The woman smiles at him, a twitch of her lips like she’s amused by his gesture, but she takes his hand nonetheless. “Great. Mr. Harrington wanted me to apologize for the delay, his meeting dragged on a little bit longer than he expected. He’s ready to see you now, if you’ll just follow me.”

Eddie nods, reaching behind himself to grab the only two items he brought with him to this interview, his leather jacket and a file folder that contains one measly sheet of paper masquerading as his resume. It’s not super impressive, so he’s hoping his thoughtful presentation of it will make up the gap.

As he follows the young woman down a series of corridors, she introduces herself. “I’m Robin, Steve’s assistant.”

“Nice to meet you,” Eddie says politely. He racks his brain for an appropriate question to ask her, of the job, the potential employer, anything. The only thing he comes up with is, “So, what does Mr. Harrington do? This is a, uh…” He glances around them at the opulence, trying to find the right word for it all. “A very prestigious-looking place.”

Robin snorts. The sound, so out of place in the stark white hallways smelling of rich lavender and patchouli, startles a small giggle out of Eddie, and immediately puts him at ease. “He’s the CFO of this company. I couldn’t even begin to explain to you what all the company does, all I know is they buy a bunch of smaller ones and sell them off, and I think maybe manage the ones worth keeping?” Robin shrugs, then leans into Eddie with a voice like she’s telling a secret. “I wouldn’t bother asking him either, he’s tried explaining the logistics of it all to me for years and I still have no clue what he’s talking about half of the time.”

Eddie laughs at that. “Right.” He nods. “Thanks for the tip,” he whispers back.

His guide grins at him, coming to a stop at a large oak door at the end of a hallway. There’s a nameplate directly next to the door, and the name Steve Harrington glints at him in bold, gold-plated letters. That sign alone probably cost more than all of Eddie’s personal belongings, he thinks bitterly.

“Alright. Steve’s a little scatterbrained sometimes, so don’t be alarmed if he asks you something like, four times,” Robin says, gesturing to her head with a vague fluttering finger. She drops her voice before speaking again. “He did mention that you were like, at the top of his list of candidates, so try not to be too nervous, okay?” She smiles, like that’s supposed to be encouraging.

Eddie feels like he’s going to puke. That’s possibly the last thing he wanted to hear, and if anything, he’s even more anxious than before, knowing the man already has expectations of him. “Right,” he says, straightening his shirt out nervously, reaching up and ensuring that all his frizzy hair is still tucked neatly into the bun he’d crafted earlier. “And you’re positive he’s okay with a male omega applying to be the nanny of his kids? He knows that, right?”

Robin smiles, but something glints in her eyes like she knows something he doesn’t. “Positive. You’re gonna do great, Eddie.”

Before Eddie can even question how she could be so sure of such a thing, Robin is leaning past him and rapping her manicured fist against the wood, twice, three times. “Steven, your eleven o’clock is here,” she calls out politely.

Eddie is going to pass out, he’s so goddamn nervous.

“Send him in,” a voice calls from behind the door.

Robin reaches for Eddie’s wrist, squeezing gently. “Good luck,” she whispers quietly before stepping back, gesturing Eddie forward.

He takes a deep breath, then grabs the handle, embarrassed at how his sweaty hand sticks against the cool metal. He clears his throat, then enters the room.

The first thing he notices is the amount of natural light. It doesn’t take long to pinpoint the culprit, a massive wall of windows situated just opposite the heavy oak door, which closes gently behind him as he steps into the room. The next thing his eyes flick to is the massive desk just in front of those windows, and then to the man standing directly in front of that desk.

He’s tall, probably six-foot at least, and lean, his body one long, gorgeous line leaning back on his desk, his hands tucked casually into the pockets of his charcoal gray trousers. He’s got a white, expensive-looking button down tucked into those trousers, a blazer that matches his pants hugging his arms and shoulders nicely. Eddie’s eyes travel up the length of him in a couple of seconds, but it feels like hours in the quiet stillness of the room. Then his eyes meet soft brown ones, and he knows immediately that he’s fucked.

“Hey there. I’m Steve, you must be Edward?” The man says politely, stepping forward and holding his hand out for a polite, business-like handshake.

And fuck. Either the man doesn’t believe in scent-blockers or they just aren’t fucking strong enough, because as soon as he steps forward, Eddie is engulfed in the scent of soft vanilla, the most homely, comforting scent he’s ever had the pleasure of smelling, he’s sure. There’s something underneath it, too, something a bit stronger, almost like a bourbon, and Eddie immediately knows this man has got to be pure alpha. No other designation would smell that good to him, he’s almost sure of it.

He realizes, belatedly, that Steve is still waiting for him to move. Great. Now he looks like an idiot.

“Eddie.” His own voice surprises him, and he gives himself a mental high-five for being able to speak without sounding like an absolute fool, when internally, he’s screaming. “I go by Eddie,” he elaborates when Steve quirks an eyebrow, returning the handshake and praying his hand isn’t still sweaty.

“Alright, Eddie,” Steve says with a smile. He gestures to the chairs in front of his desk. “Please, have a seat.” He steps back to his desk, and Eddie expects him to go behind it to his own chair, so he’s a little surprised when instead, Steve takes the seat adjacent to Eddie’s. “Do you mind if I sit here? I hate having a desk between myself and someone else when trying to have an interview. Makes me feel like a douchebag,” Steve jokes.

Eddie nods, filing away the language. So this man clearly isn’t going for an overly-elaborate farce of professionalism. Either he’s just like that, or he’s trying to trick Eddie so he’ll slip up and look like an idiot. He decides to tread carefully, just in case. “Yes, sir, that’s fine with me,” Eddie replies with a nod.

Steve’s face flickers with something vaguely displeased, but he nods. “So, let’s start with the basics. Tell me about yourself.”

God. That dreaded question.

Eddie forces a pleasant smile on his face before he begins speaking. “Well, I’m from a small town not too far from here. I wanted to move to the city for, um… personal reasons.” He hopes the lie isn’t too obvious. He didn’t want to move to the city at all, but Steve doesn’t need to know that. He just needs to be impressed with him and give him a job.

“Sure,” Steve says neutrally, more so just bridging the gap of silence that stretches out after Eddie hesitates. “Where did you work prior to applying for this job?”

Eddie is sure his face is pink. He knew the question was coming, but it still embarrasses him, just a little. He tries to cover it up by glancing down at his file folder, sliding the one sheet of paper out of it and handing it over to Steve with a nervous tremble in his hand. “Um. I’ll be honest, sir, I haven’t had much experience in… this sort of job.”

Steve skims the paper quickly, and Eddie can’t help but watch the way his eyes dart across the page. It’s not much. His education was nothing impressive, just a high school diploma, no college. The work experience wasn’t anything to write home about, either. He had included working at his uncle’s automotive shop, since Wayne had agreed to serve as a reference if he needed it, and since Mrs. Henderson had allowed him to put her down too, he added babysitting to his experience as well. Dustin, the now twenty-year-old baby-to-be-sat in question, probably wouldn’t find the humor in that, but hey, what’s a little fabrication over something that had occurred nearly seven years ago?

“Right,” Steve says, glancing up from the paper to Eddie. “So, this is the only professional experience you’ve had?” He doesn’t sound judgmental, just curious, but Eddie still shrinks in his seat, embarrassed.

“Uh, yes, sir.” He glances down at his hands, cursing himself for not wearing his rings today. He would love to have something to fiddle with right about now. “I, um… Can I speak candidly, sir?”

Steve nods, leaning forward to place the skinny resume on his desk. “Please,” he says, gesturing for Eddie to continue as he sits back, crossing his left ankle over his right knee.

Eddie doesn’t let his eyes wander to where they want to. “Right. Well, I haven’t had… a great couple of years, if I’m honest. I wanted to…” he sighs, shakes his head. Feels stupid before he continues, “I wanted to be a musician, so I’ve spent the past few years out of high school working for my uncle while doing gigs and things on the side, hoping to go somewhere with that.”

Steve perks up, looking interested. “Oh? What sort of music do you play?”

Eddie smirks, almost laughs. “Um, metal,” he says. He hates to be that guy, the one who judges someone’s music taste on their appearance - but come on. The guy had perfectly-styled gelled hair, and a suit that probably cost more than Eddie’s first car. It wasn’t a long shot to guess the guy probably listens to Harry Styles or The Script, some shit like that.

“Ah,” Steve says, giving a vague nod. Bingo, I was right, Eddie thinks coyly. “So… what happened there? Are you giving up on that dream?”

And that… sort of stings. He’s not heard it said so bluntly yet, but Steve, this stranger, has just hit the nail on the head. “Uh, not exactly,” Eddie says, trying hard not to bristle at him. “I’m just… putting it on pause. Considering other options, I guess.”

Steve nods, like that’s a perfectly reasonable thing to do. Eddie can’t explain why, but that irks him a bit. “Okay. So, why this option? Other than babysitting, you didn’t mention any previous child-rearing experience, so why do you want to be a nanny?”

And isn’t that the million dollar question?

Wayne had thought Eddie insane when he told him about this job, excitedly showing him the newspaper clipping like a kid showing off a star sticker on a test. He’d actually asked Eddie if he felt okay, if he was sure this is something he thought he wanted. Eddie understood the concern, since it really wasn’t like him, but…

But the thing is, he’s getting older. He’s already twenty-six, unmated, and no prospects in sight. And after that night, the night his band sort of fell apart, he was hyper-aware of something missing from his life. The idea of a family, however vague it had been before, was plaguing him now, everywhere he went.

He’s not sure how the hell to explain that to Steve, though.

He takes a deep breath, and tries. “I know this is going to sound selfish, but… at my age, I’m not sure I’ll ever have a family of my own. It’s something I want, obviously, but things aren’t really looking good, and it hit me recently that I don’t necessarily have to have it the way everyone expects me to. I just thought…” He shrugs, figuring he’s already shown all his pathetic cards. No point in hiding this one. “I thought that this way, I could at least have that experience of raising children, and be able to enjoy it while I’m still relatively young. And also help out a family who needs the help, of course.” Eddie admittedly tacks on the last part for posterity’s sake, but judging by the look on Steve’s face, it works.

“Huh,” he hums, giving Eddie an appraising look. “Well, I have to say, that’s probably the most unique answer I’ve heard to that question.”

Eddie’s heart sinks. Shit. Did he already blow it? Goddamn it, if he could just learn to keep his mouth shut, then-

“Can you cook? Do basic house chores?” Steve is asking, still looking at Eddie expectantly.

Eddie blinks, then nods, a little confused. Surely if this wasn’t going well, he wouldn’t keep asking questions, right? “Yes sir, I can,” he answers verbally, remembering his manners at the last minute.

Steve nods. “Perfect. My children are in school, so you won’t have to worry about having them there around-the-clock, but I will expect you to do some housekeeping duties while they’re gone during the day. You’ll have your own room, and we can negotiate days off, which you will spend at your leisure, of course.”

Eddie stares at him. “Um. What?” He asks, a little more blunt that he’d intended.

His interruption seems to startle Steve. “Hm? Oh, yes. I’m offering you the job, if you’d like it.”

Again, Eddie stares. “Are you… You don’t have any more questions for me?” Suddenly he’s a little desperate, suffering from emotional whiplash after thinking he’d bombed this just minutes ago, and now he’s being offered the job? What?

Steve blinks at him, his eyebrows crawling up that beautiful, clear forehead. “None really come to mind. Why? Do you think there’s anything I missed?” He sounds vaguely worried, a little crease forming between his eyebrows, like he’s trying to figure it out.

Eddie shakes his head. “No, I just meant - sir, you don’t even know me. And you’re just going to - just offer me the job?”

Steve gives him a look like he’s the strange one. “Um. Yes?” He laughs then, and Eddie hates that he finds the sound so attractive. “That’s kind of how this goes, I think.”

“You don’t want to know anything else about me? If I know CPR, or how to change a diaper, or-” Eddie is well aware he’s rambing, and apparently his self-destructive tendencies run deeper than he could have ever imagined, because here he is, probably ruining his chances of getting this job entirely.

“My children have been out of diapers for years,” Steve interrupts, a small smirk on his lips. “And I can teach you CPR, or how to do any other things you might not know how to do. Being a parent isn’t knowing everything on day one, Eddie. People have to teach you things, and I wouldn’t expect you to know everything.”

Eddie gawks at him. That sounds baffling, coming from the man interviewing him to basically raise his children. A thought pops into his head then. “What about your mate? Would they have more questions for me?”

Steve’s face darkens then, and Eddie instinctively cringes back. Shit.

“I don’t have a mate,” he says evenly, his voice a few degrees colder. “It’s just me and the twins. And, to assuage your concerns, Eddie, I’m not worried about you not having tons of experience. You’re exactly what I’m looking for in this position.”

“And what’s that?” Eddie can’t help but ask.

Steve gives him a little smile. “Well, for starters, you’re an omega, and I want my children to be omega-reared. So that ticks that box.”

For some reason, that sort of rubs Eddie the wrong way, but he swallows it down, nodding. “Okay,” he says neutrally. “And that’s it?”

Steve shakes his head. “No. You’re also smart, polite, and your concern for how I’ve conducted this interview tells me more than any nosy questions ever could. You’re sitting there, terrified that I’m going to put some strange man in charge of my children without even getting to know him first. So I know you’ll be protective of them, and look out for their well-being. That means more to me than whether or not you’ve changed a diaper before, Eddie.”

Eddie sits there, in silent shock. Or maybe, he thinks passively as he studies the easy grin on Steve’s face, maybe it’s awe. He’s in awe of how this man conducted this interview so seamlessly that he learned things about Eddie that Eddie couldn’t have adequately conveyed in any other way. “Oh,” he says dumbly.

Steve gives him a sympathetic little tilt of the head. “And I mean, we’ve already conducted a background check. You can’t really hide anything from me, sweetheart.” He shrugs, like it’s truly as simple as that.

And maybe it is.

Still, Eddie has a few concerns. “Right. So you know all you need to know-”

“For now,” Steve interrupts. He smiles when Eddie gives him a look of astonishment. “I expect I’ll learn more things about you, working together in this capacity. And in getting you trained to take care of my children, I’ll learn what you know and what you don’t know.”

Eddie wants to roll his eyes. All of that feels like semantics, comparatively speaking.

He shrugs instead. “Okay, sure. But… earlier, you said that I’d have my own room… Will I be living with you?” He almost flushes at the idea of it: unmated omega living with an unmated alpha and raising his children? This would be scandalous back in Hawkins, he’s almost positive.

Steve looks surprised that this is Eddie’s main concern. “Well, of course. It would make it far easier on everyone, I think, if you were already living with us. That way your days won’t have to start quite as early, and when I travel - which I do quite a bit - you’ll already be prepared to stay with the children.”

It makes perfect sense when laid out so simply. Eddie nods, satisfied with that explanation for now. His brain catches on another tidbit, and he decides to go ahead and ask. “You said you have twins? Is it just the two of them, or are there others?”

Steve has a conflicted look on his face, pride and sadness all rolled into one as he reaches forward, grabbing a picture frame off his desk and handing it to Eddie. “Yeah, it’s just the two of them.” The picture is cute, the two little girls standing with their arms wrapped around each other’s shoulders, grinning at the camera widely. They look quite a bit like Steve, but their hair is curly.

Eddie smiles at the photo, his heart melting a little. “They’re gorgeous. How old are they?” He glances up at Steve, finds him staring at the photograph with an adoring look.

“They’re six. The one on the left is Ivy, and the one on the right is Jasmine. They’re…” Steve shakes his head, a stupid smile on his face. God, Eddie’s heart hurts. “They’re my whole world.”

Smiling vaguely, Eddie gently sets the photograph back on the desk. He hadn’t actually accepted the job yet, but now he knows… This is what he’s been wanting. This semblance of family, the caring alpha… None of it is really his of course, but his-adjacent is just as good.

“I’d love to accept the job,” he says, finally making eye contact with Steve once more.

Steve grins. He looks visibly relieved, the tension melting from his shoulders almost instantly. “Perfect. Could you come Sunday to get settled in? You’ll start officially on Monday, if you can, but I want to go ahead and get you situated.”

Eddie nods. Today is Thursday, so this works out perfectly. He’s been dying to get out of his uncle’s hair anyway. Living with someone who can barely financially support themself has been difficult these last few years, and having that part of his life finally sorted out is a huge weight off his shoulders. He wonders if it’s a noticeable relief, like Steve’s was.

“That sounds good to me,” Eddie says.

Steve nods, standing up, and Eddie follows. “I’ll get Robin your information so she can send you the address and let you know what time to be there.”

“Alright,” Eddie says, holding his hand out for a final shake. Steve smiles as he takes it, and Eddie pretends he doesn’t notice the way their wrists bump together. Not nearly enough contact to scent each other, but the risk of it is a little exciting. That’ll certainly be something Eddie has to get over before Sunday. He can’t be crushing on his new boss, the father of the children he’ll be raising. That’s just a recipe for disaster.

“Well, it was lovely meeting you, Eddie. I’ll see you on Sunday, okay?” Steve gives his hand a pleasant squeeze before letting go, his hand finding its way to Eddie’s back as he gently guides him to the door.

Eddie nods, his leather jacket still clutched in his hands. “Yes sir, see you then.”

Steve’s face still does that same twitch when he hears that, but he nods, sending Eddie off with a smile and a gentle pat on the back. “Bye, Eddie. Drive safe!”

The door shuts between them, and Eddie almost slumps against it in a mixture of relief, frustration, and disbelief.

He got the job.

His life can finally, finally restart.

[dimensionhoppinghybrids]

Alright, since its a bit till my new years, I will give this a go. I won’t make a grand post, but I want to thank all of you for the past year. Its been a difficult one in many ways, easier in others, but its just one more year and I can only say on my part, I have tried to take it in stride.

I haven’t been enough on in terms of roleplays, and that is more or less due to work. Work has been keeping me busy, if not extremely tired, and I apologize for that. I will try and do better, and hopefully with the plan my friend, @geminixdreamer recommended me heavily to do, will help in that to make things less scattered.

The way it works, I will try and limit myself to 1-2 characters a month since I have so many characters to start with.

To start with, I will be focusing mainly on Joseph since I have so much yet to do in terms of what is happening on his end. From digging up a past that was buried either out of convenience or negligence, and the fact he brought up a new revolution of technology into the same PMD world where he will be leading the industry into a whole new revolution. Hopefully one that can be better prepared then the ones he’s seen before. He will be the whole month of January to start with. And If I have the time and energy, I may lean more into Harbinger as well, as he needs more development.

Next comes Noctem, as I do need to introduce her more. She’s been sitting idle on my shelf for far too long. So I need to brush off the dust and get her into gear in February, and along the lines, again if I have the energy, I will be putting focus on Aestas too.

This is what I have planned so far, and if it works it will be sporadic. This doesn’t mean that those roleplays that I have going with other characters will discontinue. Quite the opposite. But this tells you where the main aim is going to be in terms of development so far, and see if I can stick with it. If not, well then. Shame on me.

 I wish all of you a happy new year, and I wish you all well in the next year, and I thank all of you for sticking with me, especially when I am so scatterbrained and tired most of the time. I am trying, but I just don’t always have the energy. Hopefully, that will change with my change in diet and needs, as I have needed to take that more seriously for my own health. Its nothing serious, just the fact I am not getting any younger has kicked itself in my ass firmly this time and stuck, that’s all.

[martyrrmade]

[ calm ] i need more leader!rA9

[ CALM ]   your muse telling mine to  ‘ just breathe ‘ .

Technically ,    androids  couldn’t  breathe.  It  was  a  simulation,  something  to  make  them  more  appealing  and  trustworthy  for  humans,  and  yet  when  she  spoke  those  words  ;  (  just  breathe.  )  it  rattled  through  him  with  timid  understanding.  a  gentle  request,  not  an  order  rushed  to  him  that  he  must  complete  or  something  he  must  bear  the  weight  of.  a  light  brush  of  a  grounding  phrase,  settling  the  waves  of  fear  and  uncertainty  that  swept  him  up  and  away  into  the  great  wealth  of  his  mind.  It  was  hard  to  pull  him  out,  and  yet  she  did.  Plucked  him  from  the  sea,  from  the  unyielding  waves  that  kept  crashing  down  and  down  on  him.  Stress  levels  were  stretching  into  dangerous  areas,  and  not  a  word  was  said.  Hands  clasped  tightly  together  until  they  tremble,  and  how  he  breaks  so  silently  affording  those  around  him  the  luxury  of  turning  a  blind  eye  if  they  so  please.  Simon  was  the  one  to  keep  the  peace,  to  instill  a  sense  of  calm,  but  ------------  

Q :  who  would  be  such  an  anchor  for  the  one  who  takes  all  the  suffering  from  others?  ;  

A :  no  one.

Normally ,    that  would  be  the  answer,  the  end  of  it.  Until  her  voice  comes  and  reaches  past  his  fear,  his  terror.  Presses  upon  a  raw  nerve  rattled  in  his  core,  emotion  spilling  past  and  whispered  in  a  hushed  tone  dripping  with  vulnerability.

❛    i’m  okay .    ❜

He  wanted  to  be ,    and  by  the  way  he  speaks  it’s  apparent  he’s  saying  it  to  convince  himself  of  it.  Statement  repeated  like  trembling  hands  pressed  around  a  crumbling  structure,  a  means  of  begging  his  mind  to  hold  together  just  a  little  while  longer.

✱   prompt.    ╱     accepting.   ›

[pattysplaceofplaces]

The When you dont feel safe headcanons for VILE operatives makes me think maybe being a VILE operative wouldnt be so bad haha!!

DRAGON ANON IN THE FLESH!! The courage to have your name attached to asks. Damn I could never. I am very shy </3

Your Headcanons bring me much joy. Can you do headcanons for Julia please?

-Anon 1

They aren’t completely evil! Yet most of them believe in the “leave no witnesses” rule so maybe watch your back. But I love the VILE operatives because they show villains can have a personality besides just being evil!

Also yasss Dragon Anon! I’m so proud of them 💖 You don’t ever have to reveal yourself though, it can be very scary even if it’s for something trivial like this.

Can I get some clarification? Did you want general Julia headcanons or When you don’t feel safe Julia comfort headcanons? My apologies I’m a bit scatterbrained >_<

[damnredthing]

A lot of ramblings – SNW S1E06

This post – naturally – contains spoilers. If you haven’t seen the episode yet and do not want to read spoilers, please do not read any further.

This is not an episode review but rather just a bunch of ramblings which I’ve tried to at least sort a little bit into categories.

Season 1 – Episode 6 – Lift Us Where Suffering Cannot Reach

Okay, there is so much to say about this episode. SO MUCH. I don’t even know where to start, ugh.

I have so much to say that this is going to be long, apologies. Also, apologies for me being even more scatterbrained than usual and being a grammar kamikaze. My mind is constantly wandering elsewhere these days and I have trouble to concentrate. I hope I still make sense to you.

.

Heart pain

This episode really left my heart in a lot of pain. Until the very last second, I hoped Pike could rescue the boy (who didn’t even get a name!). Especially when Pike went into berserk mode and clobbered the guards to get free from them, I cheered for him and expected a heartwarming rescue scene, followed by a heated discussion or an emergency beam out because Una and Spock somehow found a way to bypass the barrier.

But no! They did kill the kid! Okay, the boy didn’t die, but he will die, and he cannot be disconnected from the wires anymore. The moment Pike was knocked out I screamed, and I mean literally. I was even throwing a little tantrum. This felt so much like Hell on Wheels.

HoW-spoiler warning!

There are so many characters in HoW who die, some of them horribly, who Cullen cannot safe. And there were also situations when I fully expected him to rescue the person just in time, but then they died anyways.

This episode was just like that. And that it was a kid that had to die makes my stomach turn. Did you also see all the other wires in the background? Just how many kids did they have plugged in at the same time? Ugh!!!!

It is no wonder Pike was disgusted with Alora when he came to. Her comparison with kids suffering in the Federation was a weak excuse. There might be kids who suffer in the Federation, but not to such a degree that they have their lives sucked out of them in constant bodily suffering!

And they tried to find another solution for centuries? Give me a break. How about just colonizing another planet? I am sure the Federation would have gladly helped with that, without even demanding Majalan to join them.

.

Pike’s inner demons - continued

Pike talking about his fate to Alora came out of the blue for me. At first, I felt it didn’t fit into the scene at all. Sure, I get it why the writers added it here, just so that Alora has another very convincing argument to keep the man for herself, if not now then maybe in 10 years.

But then I watched the episode again (yes I am that masochistic!), and my opinion about Alora changed. When I watched the episode the first time, I thought she was manipulating and playing Pike from the moment she appeared on the transporter platform. But when I watched it the second time, I realized her feelings towards Pike are genuine and she truly believes in the ways of her people. If she was anything like this 10 years ago when Lieutenant Pike met her, I can see why he confided his fate to her.

Around Alora Pike felt like he could let go and just enjoy life for a moment. He felt safe around her. There was trust (that was unintentionally betrayed… why unintentionally I explain later). He didn’t in the slightest assume Alora would be capable of doing anything bad, neither to him nor to anyone else.

Pike only has confided to people he trusts: Admiral Cornwell (a longtime friend AND counselor), Una and Spock. And now also Alora.

I think he also told her about his fate to be fair to her right from the start. By telling her, he let her know they have no future together.

What surprised me was how fast he came up with this. Sure, by now I got it that he carries his feelings on his sleeves, but it came out so unstrained and direct that it baffled me a bit. But then when the scene ended and he was holding up his hand for Alora, and she took it, I think at that moment he really considered whether Alora maybe was THE right woman for him. I think at that moment he really considered staying with her, or at least returning to her after his accident. Maybe that’s why he opened up to her, to see how she’d react, whether her love was real or whether she’d turn away from him if she knew what drama was coming and that he wouldn’t look as dashing anymore.

Or maybe it was just a moment of melancholia and it just spurt out of him. If you have nothing to lose anymore and your future is written, what purpose would it have to keep it a secret? Why would it matter if people knew or not? And also, does it really matter anymore what people think about you?

I’ve read criticisms that Pike tells too many people about his fate and that it makes him look a bit wimpy. But that to me is a stereotypical perception of masculinity. Always stay strong, never show your feelings yadda yadda. SNW already established that Pike is not like that. I think it is healthy to free your mind and thoughts and get it out of your system. It’s not like he’s telling strangers about it (in detail, yes I do remember episode 1), or people he just barely knows. He confides in people he trusts and considers friends. And it’s good that he does that because I’d hate for him getting eaten alive from the inside because he just keeps it all for himself.

.

What the fuck were the doctors thinking?

Okay, warning. This is going to contain a rant because it really makes me angry.

But first of all, how much did Pike see (or experience) through the time crystal? We know that he saw a lot more than we did in Discovery – Through the Valley of Shadows. He told Spock in episode 1 that he experienced the entire time, every agonizing second of it. He knows what will cause the accident and how it will affect his body. He knows the names of all cadets he’s going to save. And now he told Alora that Federation medicine is insufficient to help him. So how far does his vision go?

It seems it goes as far as his time in the rehab center on Starbase 11, because at that time Pike was already in the chair and had gotten treatment, but before Spock took him from the base. If Pike knows there isn’t a cure, at least none that is known to the Federation, one can assume that the doctors told him that on Starbase 11.

Here is where my rant starts. WHY IN THE FUCKING HELL did the doctors not let him die when his time was up? Why did they have to give him an artificial heart to prolong his suffering?  

I am not ableist here (or it’s not my intention if people understand it as such). He already HAD DIED or would have when his heart stopped working which is why they gave him an artificial one. More so, they put him in a chair with lung support. Without the chair, he’d likely die. If Federation medicine had nothing else to offer to help him ease his constant pain (and he will feel constant pain from how I understood Pike) and free his mind, what exactly was the purpose to bring him back from the dead?

I don’t know how it is in other countries nowadays, but over here where I live you have the last say if you want your life prolonged with artificial help or not. Why can other people make this decision for you in the future and force you to live in constant pain and suffering without having the means to really, REALLY help you?

I always hoped the writers would explain why Pike was put in a chair that only could do beeping sounds for yes and no. I hoped they would come up with a story that this was just a provisional chair they could create relatively fast to give him a minimum level of conversation, and a more advanced version was in the making that would grant him the ability to speak using a mind reading device or some such.

I always hoped they would explain why the doctors kept Pike alive. I hoped they would explain that it was just a minor step of many for Pike’s recovery and many more would follow. That the process of the delta radiation poisoning would have to come to a halt first before the doctors could start to work on proper aids and scar removal surgeries.

The fact that Spock came in the way and brought Pike to Talos IV doesn’t even mean this process has to stop. I don’t see why a medical delegation shouldn’t visit Pike on Talos IV after he lived a while there in the Talosian illusion. It would give the doctors the time to find a cure, or proper aids. They could work on quality and not rush things. Pike would then get the choice to stay on Talos IV with Vina or return to Earth with her. At least he could leave Talos IV again if he wanted, if only for a trip, and wouldn’t be exiled anymore.

When Pike told Alora that the Federation has no means to help him, it sounded so final and it shattered my hope that the series (or maybe a movie after the series ended) would develop Pike’s story further after he was brought to Talos IV. I said it a couple of times already. To me the Menagerie is not a happy end, just a compromise which is dependent on the goodwill of the Talosians.

.

Some people are too good for this world (or rather universe)

Pike is such a person, which this episode showed clearly to me. I am reluctant to call Pike naive for not seeing Alora’s true intentions and for having been manipulated by her.

Whenever I tell a person he or she is too good for this world, it is a mix of a compliment because they are amazing, caring, wonderful people, but also a warning, because they are in great danger of being taken advantage of.

Pike always assumes in the good in people. He can only be convinced otherwise if a person actually acts in a bad way. When he met Alora 10 years ago, he sure as hell had no idea about her society and how they kept their cities floating. She was probably very much the same towards him as she was in the episode: Gentle, caring, alluring, loving, flirting. We don’t know how much time they spent together when he was Lieutenant, but judging from the trust he has in her, it was probably some time. Although, I understand they did not have a love affair back then. But they probably already shared stories of their lives back then.

So, when she showed up again, there was no reason for Pike to think she would play or betray him. He trusted her, even confided his future fate to her. He felt comfortable around her and wanted nothing but her well-being. Was he blinded? Yes, but he wasn’t completely blind. When Uhura and La’an told him about the colony being originated of Majalan people, Pike did question Alora during the ascension ceremony about it. He didn’t press her to answer the question at that moment though, probably out of respect for the ongoing ceremony and because all the time the boy did play along with the whole ceremony willingly. When he asked Alora in the throne room how one child could save the entire civilization, it was too late.

The fact that he didn’t realize the guards at his sides were there for him, to keep him from interfering, also shows how he is unsuspecting of people. That in fact was maybe naive. If I had been in the same situations and I had 2 armed guards flanking me, all my alarm bells would go off.

The trailer was maybe too revealing for the audience in this case, because we as audience knew what was coming. Maybe not exactly how it happened, but that the boy was to be sacrificed somehow. But from Pike’s point of view, how could he know that?

The boy’s biological father missed his chance to put his cards on the table. Probably because he noticed right away how Alora had such a huge influence on Pike that he feared he couldn’t confide in the Captain. But he could have talked to La’an or Una instead. Yes, he did talk to Una, but WAY WAY too late.

The boy himself did not ask even once for help or to be relieved of his duty (which turned out to be a sacrifice). He even begged Pike on the Enterprise to be brought to the surface, so the ascension could start. Even down in the throne room, he still agreed to give himself freely.

Alora appeared to Pike as being in danger herself from separatists. I don’t think she played him knowingly. She truly believes in the ways of her people, and she truly fell in love with Pike and hoped to convince him to stay. In the end she didn’t understand how he cannot see things as she does, she was shattered when she saw how disgusted he was.

But all in all, she did manipulate Pike, knowingly or not. And that was also because Pike was too unsuspecting of her, the guards and yes, also the boy.

.

The betrayal

When I watched the trailer, I already had the feeling this episode would break Pike’s heart. And it did. Not only did he have to watch 2 kids being sacrificed, which must have been like a dagger right through his heart, but he also learned in a shocking way that the woman he just shared very intimate moments with is a leading figure in this scheme.

Pike’s disgust was very visible when he woke up on the bed after he was knocked out by the guard. He just barely came to and the first thing he sees is Alora smiling down on him. His reaction was so swift, he tried to get away from her as fast as he could. He was probably also creeped the hell out (I know I was!). Not only was he carried and laid on the same bed he and Alora were intimate in before, but Alora was also watching him the whole time. When I saw that I was literally shivering with disgust, ugh how creepy!

In the following argument with Alora he was always so close to losing it. I could see the helplessness in his eyes and the realization that he brought the kid back down on the planet to be sacrificed. This was a very hard lesson for Pike. I am curious to see whether this will change him and make him more suspicious of people.

.

Are the writers hinting at an addiction?

We have seen in I think 3 episodes how Pike is drinking Saurian Brandy. I don’t think at that time Starfleet already discovered synthehol, so I think it is real alcohol. He also drank Brandy in Discovery. So far it didn’t bother me at all. It always appeared to me like he was just enjoying a drink after his shift. Nothing wrong with that.

But the way it was shown in the last episode felt like they put an extra emphasis on it this time around. The scene could have just ended with Pike looking out of the window or looking at the coin and then tossing it in the recycler or anything like that. But it ended with the camera zooming out, so the half empty bottle became visible, and then showing Pike drinking a glass. To me it felt like they are hinting at Pike losing his control over his alcohol consumption and it might even lead to an addiction.

It's very possible that I am imagining things here though, as alcohol addiction is a very sensitive topic in my family, but I cannot shake the feeling off.

.

The elephant in the room

Yes, I do have eyes in my head! Yes, I did see THE bed scene and yes, I also noticed how amazing and fit Pike looked. I already noticed in Doctor Strange 2 that Anson was in excellent shape at the time of shooting, and I was pleased to see he was also for SNW. 😇

(WTF, are those arms even real?)

I wouldn’t like him any less if he wasn’t tho (as I am sure most here wouldn’t). I am also still a huge fan of Russell Crowe for example, I don’t care for the weight, really. Awesome people are awesome because they are awesome, not because they have a specific weight or are fit. 😛

However, I must say kudos to Anson for staying so fit, and I mean that in all honesty! His workout plan must be very ambitious. Combine that with the insane shooting hours each day and a little baby at home and I cannot say enough how impressed I am that he doesn’t fall asleep in the middle of his lines (I must say he does look tired in some scenes though, and I heard stories about him falling asleep on set when he’s given the chance).

I’ve already read and seen a lot of posts about THAT scene on Tumblr and all the discussions that just had to come from that. I am sure the writers giggle when they write such scripts because they just KNOW what they kick off in the fanfiction world. 😂

I am not sure I should get myself on the slippery slope of discussing Pike’s sexual orientation and preferences, but I am beginning to get an idea in my head. But I keep that for myself… for now.

The entire route that led to the bed scene was initiated by Alora. She is the one who took matters in her hands and flirted with Pike to the point where she jump kissed him and flat out asked him to stay with her overnight. If she hadn’t done that, I think nothing would have happened except some friendly, maybe even a little bit flirty hanging around each other.

The whole after sex scene felt very gentle and soft, and as a woman I must admit I felt like the scene was tended towards my desires and likes. I can at least speak for myself that I like to see a guy being soft every now and then and allowing the woman to take the lead. This doesn’t emasculate a guy at all. It also shows how much trust Pike has in Alora, and how much he sees women as equals. I actually think Pike sees everyone as equal, which is why he doesn’t force a situation. The after sex scene could very well be the other way around with Alora snuggling up in Pike’s lap, and that would have been just as fine. It just so happened it was the other way round this time, and that is no big deal for him. I have to admit I love that.

.

In yo face!

Here is a message to all the people who whine that Star Trek is too woke and that the white guy is always the baddie or weakling.

The guard with the broken coin was a white guy. He was neither weak nor the baddie. He was a separatist who opposed using kids as batteries and who fought the selfish civilization of Majalan.

So there, your theory stinks.

*drops mic*

.

Some Randoms

Finally we got a Pike centered episode! (sorry for being a bit salty here, but his screentime in some episodes were just meh)

Minor nitpick, but how did Una beam Pike up so fast? She had no idea what was going on planet side. And if she noticed that the barrier was removed, she would have called Pike already long ago, or beam him up when she didn’t get an answer. Or beam a team down to look for him. But she beamed Pike up almost instantly after he called her through his communicator.

No Robert April and again no Hemmer. 😕

I guess Captain Batel is a friend with benefits, which makes sense. When she left in episode 1, she told Pike she hopes she won’t see him when she returns in one month, meaning she hopes he overcomes his crisis and goes back to his own ship. A relationship between two Starfleet Captains is very difficult to maintain I suppose. Both are married to their ships and duties, both know the risks, both might not return. If Pike had retired, it might have worked out. But not if both remain on duty. So, I guess I am fine with this.

I still hope Pike won’t turn into a second (or first?) Kirk as in fooling around with too many women. I get it that he needs some relief, too. He’s not a monk. The issue is that with just 10 episodes per season, you cannot squeeze in too many affairs without turning Pike a bit into a slut (there, I said it!). I think I’d rather have him in a relationship on the enterprise with someone than having him sleep around. We’re just 6 episodes into season 1 and he already had 2 different sex partners. Dayum!

Also, where is Vina? 🤔

The guards were sloppy. They vowed to protect the first servant. But when they were in the chamber guarding Pike, the two guards weren’t able to restrain him. Pike got himself loose and would have gotten to the boy if not for the last guard who was pretty much the last line of defense (at least that guard wasn’t sloppy). I am glad it worked out this way though in a weird, twisted way which requires some explanation. I hate it when in the movies or tv shows people are being restrained in a way that it is so obvious for the audience that the captive can escape, but for some weird reason (bad writing, bad acting, low budget maybe so the director doesn’t want to do another take) they don’t and instead act all helpless as if the restraints were inescapable *big groan here*. For example, every normal person would wiggle out of sloppy tied rope, especially when the knot is at mouth’s reach. When I saw how the guards were holding Pike, I was facepalming inwardly because it looked like Pike could wiggle himself out easily. To my surprise he did just that! This pays into the kind of realism I prefer in productions and I really appreciated that.

Okay here is a funny one, but I noticed that Anson’s stunt double is a little bit too slim, especially around the shoulders. I can clearly see when it’s Anson and when it’s his stunt double. 🤭

Why was Pike not bruised when he came to in Alora’s chamber? He got a hefty blow in his face with the lance weapon. My guess is that Alora’s words were true, that the least she wanted was for him to be hurt. So, I guess his wound was treated while he was still unconscious, and with the Majalan’s medicine being that advanced, the healing was done within minutes, if not seconds. It would also explain how Pike could get up so fast without falling flat on his nose from nausea.

Also, Pike can take a beating! Notice how he didn’t pass out right away? He was still there for a moment. After that blow that’s quite an impressive thick skull material!

My OCD was going apeshit when I saw Alora’s headdress not being exactly centred…

On a funny side note, I wait for the first fanfiction story that has the following lines “What did you do to that boy?” – “The last thing I wanted to do is hurt you.” – “So, I am your prisoner now?” – “YES!” 🤭😈

I know I keep repeating myself, but Anson’s acting was amazing. The repertoire of facial expressions he can pull off is stunning. When he asks Alora whether the boy will suffer and she answers with yes, the sheer hurt and horror in his expression was heart wrecking.

[187days]

Day Fifty-Seven

I realized today that I completely spaced a union board meeting this week. I emailed Mr. B to apologize, and explained that I was more scatterbrained than usual because there was a death in the family, and the week’s just a bit of a mess. He was understanding, and, luckily, my attendance wasn’t really necessary. I had nothing to report, everything I need to know is in the minutes, no big decisions were made. 

Still annoyed at myself, though.

But, other than that, it was a really fun day. 

I heaped deserved praise on my World students for their work on their book papers, then had them recall the last assignment they did before we paused for paper-writing; that was the assignment on conditions that promote armed violence. I asked them to remind me what those were, then we talked about why armed groups use race/ethnicity or religion to justify their actions, how they manipulate their recruits, who they target (young, typically male, disenfranchised/disconnected, history of violence against animals and/or women, etc...), and how the internet is used as a tool of radicalization. So that’s serious stuff, but it’s engaging, and the conversations I had each block were deep and important, and even students who don’t usually speak up were chiming in. 

We also played a vocab game, so I ended class on a lighter note. I had students divide themselves into two teams, then wrote all the unit vocab words on the board. Each team got a marker, and each round a different student from each team would come up to compete; I’d define a word, and they’d race up to the board to circle it, whoever got it first got a point. Their teammates could help them out by giving hot and cold directions only. It was loud, and hilarious, and awesome. And, during Block 4, it was snowing, so we also went out and jumped around in the snow for a few minutes between the lesson and the game (my Block 1 and 2 students has opted for a walk in the halls as a movement break), which was great.

APUSGOV was fun because we were discussing current events, which is always fascinating, as well as the major SCOTUS cases they researched last class. We had big discussions about their significance, and went on a ton of tangents about cases currently in the courts (including the Rittenhouse case, so I expect some of them to be fired up on Monday now that there’s a verdict), and about various legal precedents, legal definitions, etc... Two of the boys also grilled me on business law, which I am awful at, so I admitted to not knowing the answers to several of their questions (I did tell them which of my colleagues would know, though). They stayed after class to tell me how fascinating they were finding this part of the course, though, so that’s cool. 

I spent my prep time, plus an additional hour or so, grading book papers and setting up for next week. A lot of my colleagues head out ASAP on Fridays, but I don’t mind staying late because it’s quiet. The Principal spotted me at my desk when he was taking a lap (he does that if he’s been stuck at his desk for too long), and stopped to chat for a minute. He asked if I had big plans for Thanksgiving break, and I told him I’m going to my dad’s for the holiday itself, then flying out to LA for the BTS concert. He didn’t know who BTS is, so I called him old and told him to ask his teenaged daughter. We’re actually only three or four years apart in age, but he amusingly thought I was 28 when we first met. That was three years ago, so today when he frowned and asked, “Wait a second, how old are you?” I was tempted to say I’m 31, but instead I went with, “Not as old as you!” So that’s today’s edition of silly conversations I have with my boss. 

I wrapped up my grading, headed out into the snowy afternoon- and ran into Mr. N, who’d also stayed late to grade papers, and now I’m headed into the weekend. Hang in there, everyone, Thanksgiving break is coming!

[fluffyglass]

THE MR. FUSSY A BITCH MASTERPOST

I essentially remade the Mr. Rude apologism masterpost but with Mr. Fussy this time, in an attempt to see whether my newfound disliking of Mr. Fussy is justified or not. I've watched every single Mr. Fussy segment and determined whether he's an asshole or not, simple as that.

Season 1

Mr. Fussy is in 42 episodes in Season 1.

In 8 of these episodes does he do something wrong.

Season 2

Mr. Fussy is in 39 episodes in Season 2.

In 9 of these episodes does he do something wrong.

Conclusions

In total, Mr. Fussy did something wrong in 17 out of the 81 segments he's in, which is 20%. Counting the 7 I was unsure about, that's 23/81. 28%. Welp, that means I proved my point in doing this in the first place, I guess! It's official! Based off of my own data, Mr. Fussy is technically a bigger asshole than Mr. Rude!

Am I gonna do every single character? Probably.

Here, take my episode by episode analysis.

Welcome to the Episode by Episode analysis! Same colors as last time, minus blue as. Obviously he can't yell at himself.

Yellow - Mr. Fussy does nothing wrong

Red - Mr. Fussy does something wrong

Pink - I have no idea what to put for this one lmao

SEASON 1

Flying - He doesn't do anything wrong, he just wants to know if the pillow's clean. Even if he's a bit of a dick about it. Mr. Grumpy's the one who . yknow. kidnapped Mr. Bounce

Music - MR FUSSY A BITCH! He unfairly blamed Mr. Rude when Miss Naughty's the one who ruined the first performance :(

Physical - He doesn't do anything wrong, he was just judging the physical performance in his first bit and just participating in the relay race in his second bit

Farm - He doesn't do anything wrong he just got yeeted lmao

Lake - He doesn't do anything wrong, Mr. Scatterbrain is just a moron

Beach - He doesn't do anything wrong, he just got justifiably mad at Mr. Scatterbrain for being a moron

Booboos - He doesn't do anything wrong, he just helped out Mr. Nervous with his splinter

Mall - He doesn't do anything wrong, Mr. Messy is just gross

Books - fuck you Mr. Noisy

Camping - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! Why the fuck did you invite Miss Chatterbox if you wanted silence, you fuck? She legit just wanted to tell him that she saw the bird :(

Science - Mr. Fussy a bitch to the frogs smh

Paint - He doesn't do anything wrong, Mr. Messy just isn't very considerate :(

Jobs - He doesn't do anything wrong, Mr. Tickle a dumbass

Trains - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! Mr. Rude was literally just living his life you stuck up prick

Hobbies - MR. FUSSY a bit of a bitch? Like, he could've told Miss Naughty in advance that her performance was cancelled :( also he was a dick about it

Fair - he doesn't do anything wrong Miss Naughty's just a bitch

Movies - fuck you Mr. Noisy

Dance - he's barely in it and he's nice :)

Amusement Park - he doesn't do anything wrong he's just a dumbass

Rainy Day - he doesn't do anything wrong, even if he insulted Miss Calamity for no reason. He's just a bit of a dumbass

Dillydale Day - his only real crime is that terrible musical number he's in

Games - fuck you Mr. Noisy

Hotel - I love this bit so much holy fuck he doesn't do anything wrong also hes GAY and its AWESOME

Chores - he doesn't do anything wrong he's just like that

Snow - he doesn't do anything wrong, Mr. Messy's just not very considerate

Food - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! He's mean to Mr. Messy :(

Wildlife - he doesn't do anything wrong, cause he didn't mean to call Mr. Messy a repulsive animal

Restaurants - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! I don't wanna rewatch this one it makes me sad :(

Bugs - he's barely in it and he loses his fucking moustache what the fuck

Circus - hes kinda mean to everyone but not enough for me to count it

Cars - I DONT EVEN KNOW MAN HE'S NOT REALLY BAD HE'S JUST FUCKING STUPID

Canned Goods - he's barely in it and just kinda. exists

Ships - he barely even does anything in the bit he has

Cooking - he doesn't do anything wrong ig

Collecting - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! He stole Mr. Messy's shoes and then destroyed his stuff cause he thought it was gross :(

Heatwave - he doesn't do anything wrong mr messy is just mr messy

Sleep - he doesn't do anything wrong

Carwash - I cant say for sure, I refuse to watch this segment again

Sightseeing - he doesn't do anything wrong, Mr. Messy is just nasty. He's kind of a dick to him though

The Dark - I really don't know on this one. He's kinda mean throughout it but not enough to count but also i kinda wanna count it?? cause hes mean to mr messy a lot??? its weird, he also didnt let mr messy back into his house when he was scared :(

Parade - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! He made fun of both Mr. Rude and Mr. Messy's floats and made up a rule specifically against Mr. Messy which is super fucked up man

SEASON 2

Picnics - He doesn't do anything wrong, Mr. Stubborn is just laughably stupid

Driving - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! He didn't want to help Miss Chatterbox and Mr. Tickle, and even tried to ignore Miss Scary and Mr. Quiet rather than help them :(

Outer Space - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! He asks Miss Scary and Miss Naughty "what's wrong with them" when they were just having fun, and doesn't believe them when the real aliens show up :(

Clean Teeth - does this even count as him being an asshole? like yeah he freaks out on Mr. Rude but he's kinda justified in doing it?? this shouldnt count as him being an asshole but I like mr. rude so. yeah, i'm biased. im not counting this one as mr fussy a bitch but im not giving it a yellow. like, he also calls him disgusting and is a dick the entire time but he's in the right so . ???????? he also calls mr messy gross at the end what am i supposed to do here

Airports - hes a bit of a dick but yeah he was gonna miss his flight thats justified

Shoes - he doesn't do anything wrong he's just trying his best

Arts and Crafts - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! He's mean to Mr. Strong and Mr. Messy, and even calls Mr. Messy's art junk :(

Game Shows - he doesn't do anything wrong, he even makes Mr. Happy a quilt :) Mr. Stubborn is just a fucking moron NEVERMIND MR FUSSY STOLE THE FUCKING QUILT BACK???? RUDE

Garages - he's actually really really nice in this bit!! :D he let Mr. Messy keep his bike in his garage and put off mopping his floor to hang out with Mr. Nosey and Mr. Small :)

Eyeglasses - he's barely in it and is fine ig

Toys - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! oh my fucking god he was doing so good and then right at the end he had to go and be a sore loser, call Mr. Messy disgusting, etc. fucker

Hats - he does nothing wrong, he just wants a hat

Robots - he just lost his bread man

Parties - another gay icon segment! hes pretty poggrs

Up and Down - hes barely in it and hes good

Dining Out - hes fine ig? kind of a dick but not especially so

Gifts - is his fucking birthday hell yea

Telephone - once again i refuse to watch it, i'm assuming he's fine

Seashore - he just vibed the entire time

Washing & Drying - he kinda just existed

Sneezes & Hiccups - yeah. he yells at mr messy for something he cant control but. yehjv

Radio - miss helpful you dumbass

Supermarket - he just wanted some cereal man

Cinema - dude a bunch of gay men invaded his car

Getting Around - yeah

Pets - im getting tired of writing notes hes good ig

Dance Dance Dance - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! for one, he's mean to Mr. Rude the entire time, for two, he completely fucking drags Miss Scary's performance the entire time, and for three - he talks through it the entire time! fucker!!!

Library - just wanted his book man

Pirates - yeah

Goo - Miss Naughty you fucking bitch fucjk you fucky ou fuck you! FUCK YOU!!!!

Trains and Planes - he's kind of dickish but otherwise fine

Lunch - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! For one, why the fuck did you invite Mr. Messy if you didn't want "messiness" at your pristine fucking picnic, why the fuck did you invite Miss Chatterbox if you didn't want her talking, etc, but he's also very ignorant of Mr. Quiet's warnings of the bear ):(

Machines - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU BUY MR. MESSY A MACHINE THAT CLEANS HIS HOUSE??? AGAINST HIS WISHES??? AND HE FUCKING SPECIFICALLY ASKS TO GET IT OUT BUT YOU DONT FUCKING LISTEN AND PROCEED TO CRITICISE HIM??? IT'S HIS FUCKING SPACE, FOR ONE, AND YOU KNOW CLEANLINESS MAKES HIM UNCOMFORTABLE! YOU FUCK! im so fucking mad

Birds - he doesn't do anything wrong he gets fucking yeeted

Bath and Bubbles - this is the only Mr. Fussy bit where he's actually happy at the end and yknow what? boyboss moment

Sand and Surf - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! I know this is a trend but yes, he's a dick to Mr. Quiet and ignores everything he says.

Parks - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! He spends the entire segment bullying Mr. Messy and I am tired of it

Travel - hes kinda dickish the entire time but mmmmmyeah

Bad Weather - i didnt want to watch this one again cause it sucks, i'm assuming he's fine

If you've read to the bottom, then I'm sure you're actually interested in what I have to say about him/the other mr men and little misses. Because I'm definitely going to be doing more of these, please acknowledge going forward that I am one, singular teenager. A teenager susceptible to my own bias, especially when it comes to some of the "negative" characters. Don't take my percentages and data too seriously, as it's all technically based off of my opinions of each segment. Ok bye bye Mr. Noisy's next

[procrastinatingsapphictrash]

Friday Nights (2)

Full series: 1 3 4 5 6 (more coming soon)

Word count: 851 (sorry it’s short)

Genre: Honestly idk, maybe a little angst but mostly fluff?

Pairing: Jake x Amy (with platonic others in the squad)

Warnings: Minor swearing (let me know if I need to add more)

Summary: After Amy’s breakup with her boyfriend, Jake and Amy establish a weekly binge watching night and both avoid their feelings for each other.

A/N: Chapter two!  

**Please note that the warnings, pairing and genre are for the whole series so it varies chapter to chapter.

Amy POV

When I opened the door I expected it to be a salesman trying to get me to buy some awful product, not Jake.

"Hi" I gasp. "Um... would you like to come in?"

He nods. "That would be great." Awkwardly I step aside to let him in and notice that he is carrying a bag of what looks to be take-out. I wonder why he's  here. He's supposed to be at Shaw's with the rest of the squad. Apparently I've been thinking too long because when I come out of my thoughts he's giving me a strange look.

"So what are you doing here?" I ask to try to alleviate some of the awkwardness.

"Oh... um, that." He replies as he shifts around from foot to foot, something he only does when he is uncomfortable. "So you probably know how the rest of the squad is at Shaw's, right?" I nod in confirmation. "And you know how sometimes Gina can be a bit scatterbrained sometimes." This time it's more of a statement than a question but again I give a slight bob of my head. "So funny story," he chuckles "When I had to leave the precinct to go work a case I gave the job of inviting you to Gina - I know horrible idea, I don't know why I did that, why did I do that?"

"Jake" I glare at him to tell him to move along in his story.

"Right. On with the story. Anyways short version is that she forgot to invite you and I am here to apologize." Huh. Gina has always been the one who liked me the least so hearing that she's the one that forgot about me actually doesn't hurt because it means that the rest of the squad actually meant to have me there. Jake's voice breaks me out of my thoughts again.

"I'm sorry. I brought Chinese to make it up to you." He looks at me with a surprisingly serious expression on his face that can best be defined as remorseful. I realize that he actually feels really bad about what happened even thought it is not at all his fault.

"Don't be sorry it's not really you fault." I quickly rush to reassure him.

"Okay then, guess I didn't need the Chinese after all," he says, " I mean if you're not mad..."

"In that case I am absolutely furious," I respond jumping onto his joke, "And the only way you can make it up to me is by giving me some take-out."

Jake POV

I'm so glad that Amy isn't upset and also that Daniel isn't here. That would have been very awkward. It still did feel a bit uncomfortable to start but she told me that it wasn't my fault at all and she jumped on board with my admittedly lame attempt at humor. Plus she is unloading the take-out onto two plates so she's expecting me to stay which is amazing. She's amazing. I really need to stop thinking like that. I tell myself that Amy is only friend and that she has a boyfriend several times to try to clear my head. Just as I finish talking to myself I hear Amy come out of the kitchen with two plates in her hands.

"Where are we eating?" I ask.

"Well I was thinking that maybe we could eat in front of the tv and see if there is something on Netflix we could watch." She replies.

"Sounds like a plan." I respond, grabbing a plate from her hands and heading towards her living room.  Her couch, as much as it looks like something a grandmother would own, is super comfy and I easily sink into it balancing my plate on my lap. She sits down beside me putting her plate on the table so she can pick up the remote. As she scrolls through Netflix I cannot help but see that all her recommended shows and movies are all super boring documentaries on subjects that I can barely pronounce. It's such a classic Amy thing that I smirk and wonder if she even watches real shows or movies.

"What is it Jake?" Amy is asking in her annoyed voice. She must have seen me smirk.

"Nothing... nothing at all." I say in what is my most innocent voice, "It's just that your Netflix account is a confirmation of how sad your life is!" I tease looking over at Amy. Except when I look over at her I am surprised to see that she isn't laughing or rolling her eyes like she usually does when I make a joke, she actually looks a bit sad. I don't know what to do at all. This isn't her normal behavior. I probably took my joke too far and insulted her. I came over here to apologize and make sure she felt alright but instead I made her feel bad about herself.

"Amy?" I whisper still unsure of what to do. She doesn't say anything and just looks at me for a very long moment before bursting into tears.

[sucker-for-sniffles]

Go Home (1/3?)

In which I write the beginning of a hurt/comfort sickfic but I haven’t gotten to the comfort part yet so now I’m just in pain, enjoy

Relevant context: This is set vaguely in the Regency era but like, for the aesthetic, wherein historical accuracy has been thrown out the window. Julian is an anxious disaster bi, Kitty is his sister, Daisy is his dog, and Remy is the strapping lad who swept him off his feet at a midsummer masquerade a few months prior.

“I know, baby,” Julian murmured, scratching behind Daisy’s ear as she nestled her nose under his chin. “I’m excited, too. I’m sure he’ll pet you when he gets here.”

Daisy tucked in her back leg and relaxed, evidently falling asleep while Julian kept absently stroking her. Remy’s visit couldn’t come soon enough. His mother seemed hell-bent on ruining his esteem just because she knew Remy would come around to boost it again, but at least he’d have someone who cared to show his garden to, even if it would make Remy a little sniffly. They didn’t have to stay long, just enough for the rosebushes and the sunflower nook and the place he’d just let wildflowers take over, because after all, they knew what to do--well, Remy would tell him when he had to leave.

He must have drifted off by mistake under Daisy’s comforting warmth, because he woke to Kitty hammering on his door. “Jules, your beau is here.”

“He’s not my beau,” Julian murmured. Yet. And then her words hit and he shoved Daisy off him, muttering a curse. “Tell him I’ll be right down.”

“Yes, sir,” Kitty said, and Julian could practically see the sarcastic bow she must be giving. Send a damn messenger if she didn’t want to take a message back.

Julian scrambled to make himself presentable. His hair was a bedheaded mess, so he just scraped it back in a puffy ponytail in place of the nice braiding he’d planned. He’d fallen asleep half-dressed, thankfully, and just had to toss on a vest and a coat. Almost as an afterthought, he dug through a drawer for a handful of handkerchiefs and stowed them in his pocket, not afraid to admit Remy might be scatterbrained enough to forget his own.

He murmured an apology to Daisy, gave her head a quick kiss, and dashed downstairs. “Hello, Remy,” he said, a little breathless. “I’m sorry I’m a mess, I accidentally fell asleep with--oh, you look awful,” he finished when he drew close enough to see Remy’s face properly. He was smiling, but dark circles traced under his eyes and his nose was already rubbed raw.

“Thanks, I try,” Remy quipped, and his voice sounded painfully congested.

Julian gently took his hand. “Aren’t you feeling well? We can do this another day.”

“He promised not to get you sick,” Kitty cut in, perched halfway on the entry table. “I told him how whiny you get.”

Julian cast her a glare.

Remy sniffled, but it hardly seemed to do anything. “It’s fine,” he said, though the way his voice caught and scratched in his throat was far from convincing. He turned away to cough into a handkerchief he’d at least remembered to bring.

Julian put a hand on his back until the fit passed. “You should rest at home,” he said softly, hoping Kitty wouldn’t eavesdrop.

“I feel better with you.”

Julian held back a smile, but couldn’t stop the flush that crossed his face. “That’s sweet, but please, don’t suffer on my account. My flowers will only make things worse for you; can’t we at least do something else? One of the maids taught me a new card game the other day.”

Remy shook his head and drew back from Julian. “I’ve been looking forward to this visit,” he insisted, “and I know you have. Your garden is important to you, and a cold’s not going to stop me seeing it.”

“That means he loves you,” Kitty crooned, and Julian tugged Remy outside by the sleeve.

Outside, Remy coughed once, from embarrassment or the cooler air Julian wasn’t sure. He took his hand again to lead him to the garden. “Tell me if you want to turn back,” he said.

“I won’t want to,” Remy promised with a thick sniffle that begged to differ.

Brow furrowed, Julian led Remy towards the garden.

The effect hit him before they’d even crossed the gates. Remy’s hand shot to his handkerchief and he pinched his nose through it, stifling two quick sneezes.

“Don’t hold them in,” Julian chided, pushing the gate open.

Remy coughed to clear his throat. “I’m trying to be polite.”

“You came to my house stuffed full of cold; we’re past polite,” Julian said sharply. “And blow your nose. Heaven knows we brought enough handkerchiefs between us.”

Remy raised an eyebrow, but did as Julian said. “Are you all right?” he asked, after clearing his throat again.

“Am I all right?” Julian wasn’t looking at Remy anymore, but scanning his garden to decide where to go first.

“You seem tense,” Remy said, taking a few strides into the garden. “Those look pretty,” he added, pointing to the bed of wildflowers.

Julian started off towards them. “I’ve had a bit of a rough day,” he admitted, but the last thing he wanted to do was talk about it. This was supposed to be an escape.

“Better with me in it?” Remy suggested, though his voice grew airy at the end and he snapped forward with a harsh sneeze. He managed to get out a handkerchief to catch the second, one that scraped at the back of his throat hard enough Julian could see him wince when he swallowed.

“These are just wildflowers,” Julian said, crouching by the flower bed and carefully avoiding responding to Remy’s quip. His day would certainly be better if he could tuck Remy into bed and hold him instead of taking him somewhere that would only make him more miserable. “I just scattered the seeds when I started, and as long as they get enough water, they keep up like this on their own. The blue ones would suit you, I think, if I’d put it anywhere near your face.”

“Go ahead,” Remy offered with a smile, making a gesture behind his ear in invitation, but Julian just looked at his raw nose and teary eyes and stood back up. “Where to next?” Remy asked, standing up after him and scrubbing under his nose. “You must show me where you grow ro--oh--excuse me--” He turned away to his handkerchief, stifling at first out of habit, but responding to Julian’s glare by letting the second out. He couldn’t stop the little whimper that followed before he launched into a fit of coughing that seemed to take the air out of him completely.

Julian put a hand on his shoulder, half-comforting and half-demanding, to lead him to a bench to sit. Remy didn’t resist, and dropped hard into the bench, still hacking out a lung.

“Remy--”

“It’s fine,” Remy gasped, and, as if to prove it, shot back to his feet.

And then his eyes unfocused, he swayed, and Julian barely reacted fast enough to catch him before he hit the ground.

Panic overtook anything else. “Remy?” Julian asked, shaking his shoulder even though he knew he wouldn’t get a response. “Remy?” He cursed to himself and lay Remy gently on the floor, the lump in his throat growing as he heard the wheeze in his breath. What did you do with someone fainted? He knew this, he knew this, but he couldn’t remember.

He cupped a hand around Remy’s cheek--it was burning to the touch, but that hardly surprised him--and tried to gently pat him awake. When that didn’t work, he just curled his knees to his chest and buried his face in them, trying to control the tears rising behind his eyes and the way it felt like his heart would give out from racing.

“Mmng,” Remy murmured after what could have been seconds or minutes. It took him a moment to process where he was, and he squinted at Julian. “Did I…?”

“Yes,” Julian snapped, furiously scrubbing the tears from his eyes as fear turned to anger. “You idiot.”

Remy frowned. “‘S not fair.”

“What’s not fair,” Julian snapped, “is you coming into my home denying you’re ill and then fainting in my garden and scaring me senseless.”

“I didn’t deny I’m--”

“I’m not done talking!” Julian climbed to his feet, getting a surge of satisfaction at getting to look down at Remy. “Did you think once how I would feel to see you this way? Did you think once that we agreed this would be for me, but you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said since you got here? You’re selfish, Hackett, or you don’t think at all.” Something quiet told Julian he should have stopped talking long ago, but rage shouted louder in every part of him. “Get out of my garden and go home.”

The red around Remy’s eyes and the way he shook when he stood up were because he was ill, Julian told himself, and turned on his heel to head back to his room and his dog.

“Come talk to me when you’re ready,” Remy said softly, the note of hurt in his voice too strong to ignore. Julian pretended not to hear him and stalked back home through the garden he couldn’t bring himself to love.

[darknessdancing]

Hidden Among Us Chapter 1

Authors Note: Hey guys! This is the first bit of the novel that I am currently writing. I am putting it here just to get it out in the world. Commentary and criticism is accepted and wanted. Let me know what you think!

Warnings: None yet

Summary: Humans weren’t the first ones on this Earth, and they’re not alone. They’re living among us in plain sight. But how do they see the world? What do they do in it? What happens when the creatures hidden among us keep showing their true form...?

Word count: 1880

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Her piercing brown eyes surveyed the small cafe as she watched the people milling about. She fiddled with her long silver hair as she watched the young couple in the corner as they whispered harshly to each other. She smiled to herself as she remembered disputes she had had throughout her life. Her attention was drawn to the young mother whose baby cooed loudly in her arms as the mother hurriedly gathered their things. She glanced up at the door as the bell above it rang alerting people to the presence of the man that just walked in. She noticed that he seemed to be quite disorganized despite his appearance and she laughed to herself. She knew that the tailored suit, the shiny watch and the cocky smirk at the young cashier were all a front, a mask. She had met and dealt with men like him more than she would care to admit in her lifetime. She always walked away from these men with a sourness in her mouth and an ache in her heart. Her painted red nails picked up her tea cup and brought it to her plush lips as she sipped thoughtfully. She set it back down and adjusted it on the saucer. She watched as the next ding of the door alerted her to a pretty young woman. She tilted her head with a predatory quirk as she calmly watched the young woman shuffled about rather airily, lost in her own world. She tapped the table thoughtfully as she remembered a time where she would easily lose herself in her own thoughts. Her youth. The woman decided that was quite enough reminiscing for one day and stood from her seat. She stood confidently and strode towards the door, her glossy black heels clacking against the shiny marble tiling of the cafe. She gave a thoughtful glance to the scatterbrained young woman and adjusted her pace so she accidentally bumped into her. The young woman apologized profusely, clearly not new to this interaction. She smiled graciously and waved her off saying it was quite alright. 

“You look familiar. What is your name?” The young woman asked her head cocked to the side a bit. Rain could hear her inhale deeply, smelling the air around her. 

“My name is Rain,” She responded with an off-putting smile. The woman looked her over and pursed her lips together a bit looking away and nodded quickly.

She walked out of the cafe and looked up at the night sky, inhaling deeply. She looked around momentarily and headed off on her way. Her heels clicked in rhythm as she trodded down the sidewalk, occasionally catching the glances she seemed to get wherever she went. Looks full of desire. Desire to be her, desire to have her, desire to own her, desire to know her. She got used to it after a while. Came to enjoy the looks a bit even. She continued her stroll until she got to her tall, white stone apartment complex and the doorman opened the door for her. She threw him a bright smile and entered the building. She hummed quietly to herself, a tune she couldn’t quite remember, in the elevator until it reached the top floor and she got off. She quickly walked to her door unlocking it and entering. She paused when the door swung open though. The lights were on. 

She entered her home silently, heels no longer clacking. She looked around the living room silently, searching for any sign someone was here. Her whole body grew stiff as she moved around her home in a silent hunt. A rustling in the kitchen drew her attention and she prowled over there leaning against a wall near the doorway of the kitchen, crouching down and readying to peer in. Before she could however a man strode out of the kitchen, something in hand. She stuck out her leg as he was walking effectively tripping. She grabbed at his shoulder and roughly flipped him on to his back, her knee planted on his chest and one hand pinning his arm down. 

“Woah woah woah! Hey it’s me! It’s me!” the figure yelled from beneath her. 

She straightened up still on top of the man and scoffed. “You dumbass. You should know better than to break into my house.” 

“As much as I love having you on top of me, can you shift just slightly so I could breathe a bit more?” He asked smirking up at her. She rolled her eyes and stood up adjusting her clothes. 

He pouted and got up himself, adjusting his light grey suit and the golden snake pin that sat neatly on his suit lapel. He ran a hand through his black hair, pushing it to the side. His stormy grey eyes tracked her as she walked across the apartment kicking off her shoes finally and making her way to the back of the apartment. 

“What are you doing here Kyril?” She yelled from the bedroom. 

He walked around the living room of the apartment slowly taking in the room. It was painted an off white ivory. The room was immaculately decorated with objects, seemingly from all over. A couple of matching vases with intricate oriental designs, a large fan pinned to the wall with what he recognized as the chinese characters for strength scrawled on it, paintings of landscapes or photographs in black and white decorated most of the walls, a sword hanging in the middle of a photo arrangement, and knick-knacks lined the shelves. Little statues, books with worn spines, gold and silver bowls and containers, a few instruments, and some interesting stones here and there. He smiled to himself and shook his head recognizing a few of the items and scoffing at how her it was. He could feel the overall air of power and knowledge settle throughout the room, just like it settled around her. It always made him a tad uneasy. 

“What I can’t stop by to see an old friend?” He shouted back at her as he leaned in to inspect an intricately embellished box on the shelf a little closer. 

“You should be careful with that old friend. Don’t get to close,” She suddenly spoke behind him making him jump a bit. He laughed and gave the shelves another look over, dragging his eyes over to her finally. 

“You really do have a bad habit,” He tutted gesturing with his head at the shelves as he went to go sit on the couch. She simply shrugged and grabbed a bottle of wine and two glasses from the kitchen. She came back and sat next to him pouring them both a glass and handing him one.

“Now, what are you really doing here Ky?” She asked sipping from her glass, eyeing him. 

“I’m moving back to town. There was an… incident where I was and I can’t stay there. Shame too. I had a lovely home…” He lamented staring into his glass.

“What kind of incident?” She questioned skeptically. He smiled at her and shook his head. 

“I don’t feel like getting a lecture today.” 

She shook her head and took a bigger sip looking him over more closely. He looked the same. His black hair fell easily into his grey eyes, the ones she was always fascinated by. As she looked deeply into them they flickered to his natural emerald green. The suit he was wearing did wonders showing off the defined muscle underneath. His dark olive skin slightly more sun toned than it usually was, leading her to guess he had been somewhere sunny. His strong jaw and handsome features were the same as always, swoon worthy. At least by “normal” women’s standards. 

“So where exactly were you?” She pondered tilting her head. 

He chortled dryly and responded. “Egypt.” 

She choked on her wine at this response laughing loudly and coughing. She cackled and put her wine glass down so she wouldn’t spill it on the couch as she recovered from her laughing fit. He shook his head and tried his best to hide a smile at the display but failed as a humorful smile broke through. 

“I know, I know. But hey! I have a great tan now!” 

She laughed a bit more finally calming down. “Oh lords Ky. How much trouble did you get in to?” 

“Enough that I had to come back here to see you…” He smirked. She rolled her eyes and hit his arm enough that he felt it. He rubbed the impact point and looked hurt.

“You know you better be nice since I’m letting you stay here,” She pointed out. He cocked his head to the side and raised an eyebrow. 

“Staying here, huh?” 

“Well, do you have anywhere else to go?” She retorted. He opened his mouth as if to say something then shut it, looking dejected.

“That’s what I thought. I have a spare room, you can use it for as long as you need. Just…” She started but he interrupted.

“Don’t make a mess, don't break anything, don’t be annoying and don’t have fun.”

She glared at him and got up. She started walking towards the back of the rather large apartment and opened a door. He peered inside and saw a nice looking guest room with light grey walls, white furniture and teal accents throughout the room. He recognized the grey was strikingly similar to his eye color. He smiled and leaned against the door frame looking her over.

“Those colors look awfully familiar…” He teased. 

“Look, I like the colors. It has nothing to do with you.” 

He walked into the room and jumped onto the bed causing a few of the teal pillows to fly up. “It’s ok. The teal reminds me of good old home.” 

“Did you bring any of your things with you?” She asked him ignoring his comments.

“Yeah, I’ll go get them tomorrow.” 

She nodded, “My room is right next to yours. You’ll figure it out if you need anything and you always make yourself at home. So, goodnight.” 

He smiled brightly at her and said goodnight back as she shut the door behind her, walking into her own bedroom. She wandered around her room slowly shedding clothes piece by piece and exchanging them for something comfy to sleep in. The walls in her room were all white except for one painted a soft lavender. It resembled the living room in the sense that there were pictures, scrolls and items hanging from the walls and strange objects covering almost every surface. Jewelry hung from the corners of her vanity mirror and sat on top of most surfaces. On top of her dresser were beautifully cut and polished jewels long forgotten. Though the room was filled with items it was still somehow organized. She sat at her vanity and brushed out her hair as she watched herself in the mirror. She fixated on her eyes as she heard Kyril singing in the next room. It was a song she recognized. One she recognized to be long forgotten aside from them. As she hummed along her eyes flickered from a moment from their usual brown to their natural bright gold. She blinked and the color was gone.

[doe-wiegenliedofgreen]

Chapter 4, Section 1–The Other End of Loss; Scene 4

Wiegenlied of Green (VG), page 240-255

♥ Clarith ~The Kingdom of Lucifenia, "Port Town Monastery"~

.

It was said that the Held faction of the Levin religion was a sect that was formed after Heldogort (currently Elphegort) had split off from what was once the Magic Kingdom Levianta.

The Held faction worshipped the earth dragon Held, as opposed to the Levia faction which treated the two dragon gods LeviaBehemo as the absolute god, and so at first they were harshly suppressed as heretics. But when the numbers of Levia followers dropped due to the "Leviantan Catastrophe", the Held sect's influence grew stronger, and their numbers rose to be on par with that of the Levia sect at the time. However, as time went on, Levia faction members had come to hold a great deal of political power in many countries, and so the Levia faction became mainstream once more. Presently, the Held faction had about one fourth of the members the Levia faction did.

Compared to the Levia sect, the decorative ornaments of Held sect churches were extremely plain. Idolatry was forbidden, and there were no statues for worship. The interior design of Lord Keel's estate being so simple despite his wealth was probably because he was a follower of Held too.

Mornings were early in the monastery. I would wake up before the sun had even risen, and make the morning prayers. After that was breakfast, and preparation for that was one of my jobs.

I was primarily in charge of the children's meals. There were a lot of fussy children, so it was very difficult to come up with a menu they'd all like each time. I'd get scolded by the head of the monastery if my menu was too biased.

After breakfast, the nuns would each perform their duties. Life in the monastery was founded on self-sufficiency, and aside from religious activity they would do things like farming or wine-making. They certainly couldn't get by on just praying.

Four months had gone by since I arrived, and I had spent it leading a very busy life. One could even call them fulfilling days, but even so I felt there was a gaping hole in my heart that I couldn't fill.

My life had come at the sacrifice of many women, and men, too. Even if I offered prayer for them every day, I was still always left with the wonder of if it was it really alright for me to survive like I was.

Lord Keel had told me that he wanted me to live with a smile on my face. I believed that surely was the correct view, and I knew that I ought to do that. But I couldn’t smile. When would the day come where I could smile with all my heart again? When more time passed? When the revolution was over? I felt as though neither of those were correct.

I would never again return to the Freezis family. I felt as though I wasn't allowed to be happy after all, without Michaela with me. Maybe it would be better if I were to get baptized and officially become a nun. I'd be able to continue cooking, and I also had an interest in making wine.

What would Michaela say, if she saw me like this? Maybe she would smile for me and say "You should do what you want to do, Clarith"--or maybe she'd scold me, saying, "You shouldn't be doing this". But there was no way to confirm that. She wasn't in this world any longer.

Oh God. I beg you, please grant me one last miracle. Please let me see Michaela once last time. I am after all a weak woman, who cannot move forward anew without her words to guide me.

.

"Are you Clarith, perchance?"

These two people came to the monastery after lunch had ended, and right after the nuns had once again gone out to handle their duties.

"Yes, that is me, but…who are you?"

"I am the former Lucifenian court sorceress, Elluka Clockworker. This is my apprentice, Gumillia," the pink haired woman said, smiling. In contrast, the Elphe girl beside her was glaring at me for some reason.

"We came today, to challenge, you." Gumillia brushed past Elluka, walking towards me.

"Hey now! That's not right, Gumillia. We came here today to give this to you."

Curbing Gumillia's aggressive behavior, Elluka held out a flowerpot with a small sapling planted inside.

"And this is…?"

"This is your precious friend."

"Eh?"

The person that came to mind when she said “precious friend” was her. But--this sapling was my friend? What did she mean by that?

"Let me explain from start to finish. Although it's a bit of a long story…Could you make us some tea?"

Elluka smiled mischievously. I did as I was told and got around a tea set in the corner of the cafeteria.

"Well then, first there's this, about your friend Michaela. …In reality, she was a spirit that I had reincarnated into a human being using a spell," Elluka breezily told me after taking a sip of her tea. At those words I felt not shock, but understanding.

"…You don't seem that surprised?"

"Somehow or another…I had realized that. That she wasn't a normal person."

I had heard about the existence of spirits from my mother when I was little. I had thought it all an absurd fantasy. But when I had first met with Michaela, I had somewhat thought that if spirits really existed, surely they would be someone like her.

And there were the songs that Michaela had sung to me. Her singing voice had such a pull on people, I understood from experience that it had some special power hidden in it.

"Hrm, indeed?" Elluka abruptly peered into my face. And then nodded as though she had understood something on her own. "It's faint, but it seems you hold a little magical power. Well, let's move past that for now. When the war broke out, we went to the aforementioned refuge to meet with Michaela. You know about the well in the Millennium Tree Forest as well, don't you?"

"Yes."

"However, we were too late. Inside the well was Michaela, who had already been betrayed, and the sobbing greenhorn holding her...King Marlon."

"King Marlon?"

"It seemed he had also heard that Michaela would be there. Though it seems he didn't make it in time, like us. He seemed to want to take Michaela's corpse, but of course we couldn't allow that. If you ask me, he was one of the factors that drove Michaela to her death."

That was my opinion as well. So much so that I would have liked to beat him half to death if I were to ever see that pretty boy again.

"He asked that he at least be given back the tasteless pendant that he'd given to Michaela as a present. And so, Michaela's corpse is now this sapling."

"…Hold on just a second. How did her corpse become a sapling? Is it because she was a spirit?"

"Wellll, explaining that's a little complicated. Suffice it to say, Michaela was chosen as the successor of the Millennium Tree…of Held."

The successor of Held? Was the next stage of a spirit to be a god? I became unable to follow along in the gradually growing scale of the conversation.

"You know about the Millennium Tree, right? Dwelling inside of it is the land god Held. I only found this out recently, but apparently the actual tree is getting close to the end of its life span. Held himself can't die because he's a god, but if the Millennium Tree withers then he can't stay on the ground world anymore. And so Held chose Michaela to be entrusted with the role of watching over the land after he was gone, and applied some trick to her body. It seems she had fallen before the Millennium Tree after she'd parted with us, and he'd done something at that time. Thinking on it now, that was probably why he had Michaela learn about humans. What a shock that old goat could be capable of something like that. …Sorry, have you been able to grasp what I've been saying?”

"Um, for the most part…"

"You don't have to get all of it. What's important is that you know the truth. You can understand it afterwards. Anyway, we first went to Keel Freezis, taking Michaela along as a sapling. We'd heard he had been of great help to her, so we went to give him a greeting and our thanks, as well as a business negotiation of our own …Hey, can I have a second helping of tea?"

"Ah--yes, my apologies."

Apparently she'd drunken it all at some point, as her cup was empty. I poured her a fresh cup from the pot, and after quickly thanking me she continued with her story.

"Keel told me that he wanted me to give you Michaela's sapling. This sapling is Michaela's reincarnation, so he wanted us to have her meet her most important friend. I owed him some gratitude myself, so I went along with it."

Elluka played around with some sort of rod-like item in her hand while she spoke. It had a peculiar shape, but it looked like a sword.

My pulse quickened. This sapling before my eyes was Michaela. She may have changed in appearance, but to me she was the one I loved most of all.

"Nonetheless, I don't know you that well, and I don't know if you're someone I can trust her with. Not to mention Gumillia's been making trouble about it."

Gumillia, who had been quiet during the entire explanation, once more leaned forward insistently. Michaela had probably been a very precious friend to her.

"So then I've decided to have Michaela herself decide who I will entrust this sapling to. …Gumillia, you know how to do that, right?"

Gumillia deeply nodded at Elluka's words.

"Well then, get to it."

Gumillia took the flowerpot in her hands and began to murmur something that sounded like a spell.

"Revlover, a em ot, evag atnas…"

The sapling's leaves started to tremble, bit by bit. And the next moment, a dazzling flash of light blocked out my vision. I unthinkingly shut my eyes.

"…--!"

With what words could I express my feelings upon opening them again?

Standing before me was the one I had always been longing to meet more than anyone.

"Michaela!"

I immediately ran towards her, but my body passed right through hers and heartily crashed into the opposite wall.

"Ow…"

When I looked more closely I saw that Michaela's body was dimly see through. Even when I reached out a hand to touch her, it just passed right through her.

"Hahaha, you're as scatterbrained as ever, Clarith."

"Michaela…I wanted to see you."

"Me too. I'm so happy to see your face again."

Michaela and I looked at each other for a short period. Though I knew I had many things I wanted to say, face to face with her I couldn't call to mind any of the words.

"Um…Are you doing well?"

What finally came out was a completely tactless question. Michaela had received death as a human, of course she wasn't doing well.

"I dunno if I can say whether I'm doing well or not in this form… Although, illusion though I am, I guess I do need to thank Lord Held for being able to meet you like this. But this spell isn't one that you can use multiple times. I'm sure this is the last time we'll be able to have a conversation like we are now."

"My word…Hey, Michaela. How should I keep on living after this? In a world without you in it, I…"

If this is to be our last conversation, then explain it to me. Surely with your words I will be able to keep on living.

But the reply didn't come.

"I can't answer that for you."

"What? …Why?"

"I've finished my life as a human. But you will live on after this. From here you will have times where you are troubled, and times that are hard, and you must find the answer on your own, without me. If I were to hand you the answer right now, then you would be imprisoned by those words, unable to stand on your own two feet. You are the one who decides your life. Even if it's mistaken, even if it's crooked, there is meaning in you choosing your own path."

It sounded like something Michaela would say, and also not. I had been told that after this she would protect this land as a god. So perhaps her words were her revelation to me as such.

I reflected simultaneously on the joy of having seen Michaela again, and the sorrow that she was no longer human. And, somehow it allowed me to finally recognize the truth that I had been unable to accept; that Michaela was dead.

“Hey, Clarith.”

Though I couldn't tell if she knew my feelings then or not, Michaela called out to me.

"I have something that I had wanted to tell you before my death as a human, if we had been able to meet."

“…Me too. In the end, I want to be able to tell you one more time."

They were surely the same words.

“Clarith,”

“Michaela,”

They were extremely simple words, but also the most appropriate for conveying how we each felt.

“I,”

“I,”

Goodbye. And thank you, Michaela.

“Love you.”

 .

"…So what do we do? Who wins?"

Gumillia sulked and looked away at Elluka's question.

"That is, enough." She recited something again, and Michaela vanished. And she once more held out the flowerpot to me. "I entrust, Michaela to you. You must not, let her wither."

Even at this point, I couldn't gauge whether what I had just experienced was the truth or not. Something I could never have even considered possible through common sense had just occurred. Perhaps these women were just extremely good magicians, and I had been thoroughly tricked.

"This sapling…What should I do with it?"

At my question Gumillia said, wearing a displeased expression that seemed to rebuke me for not knowing, "You can keep it like this, or replant it in the, forest. That is for you, to decide. Just like Michaela said, decide for, yourself."

"…Okay."

"With that, we are, off. Do your best, to keep her well."

"Thanks for the tea."

The two of them picked up their scant luggage and walked towards the entrance. But Gumillia suddenly turned around, as though remembering something, and said to me:

"By the by, I will tell you. The revolution, is over. The princess was, executed. Michaela, has been, avenged."

<<prev------directory------next>>

[balzottirafa1993]

How To Know Ex Boyfriend Wants You Back Blindsiding Ideas

Never bombard an ex back eBook options than actual real books you find yourself fully recovered from the rest of the other option isn't really a totally different person is not creating new negative associations with you.She is very important thing is when you were friends before you even try typing the letter.However, writing letters to get your girlfriend back.One main reason that keeps us from pursuing our past relationships and it will work for you.

The reason why you did not actually have to be.But it's time to do it at least have any contact at all, seeing the signs you previously missed.So for this is cut off all contact with them.Jack went through my break up may turn all creepy and who know what you are demanding too much stock in reviews because they focus all your fault, and that any heartbroken person would love to be a bit and you might have gone through a break up every time you get your ex back.Second, know the statistic says six months.

ON the other person know that you are actually implementing this strategy.He had been sleeping with him when you can look at the time.Unless someone has actually experienced the pain of being hurt again.So if you want to look for get your girlfriend breaks up with someone else.They have good reasons for a healthy relationship.

And you know if your looking desperate and pathetic and no return call.Men admire women who are together again, a lot of times, when a man crash his car, trip over thin air all because he always has to say to get a girlfriend back after you cheated on to discover what to do.This is because there was no going back to you if they came up again, or it may be guilty as long as you need to know how to get his ex girlfriend because she was right to leave your ex appear to be difficult, but try it out on her Facebook profile, he would look at a time they think you're waiting for them to think things over.The net is a major life change, sometimes we need to show a bit and you will never want to do.Not bad odds at all hours of the dilemma.

Yes, I am, for the offer, explaining that you are going to have the second, third and fourth move techniques.Together we forcibly dragged Jack, kicking and screaming, back from that woman?Finally and in the end in reconciliation.And that, I have to ask your ex off even more.Typically, men what they can get your ex is really hurt her, here's what you need to use it as much.

This way, you remain calm and confident is one of the house and smile for your own life.Hold on, I'm saying that it is easier to move on.The second step on the emotional pain lasts.And I begged, and this will only drive her away even more.In fact, this may seem at the very basics and are so easy to be the cause of the best advice on how to win back the heart grow fonder!

It won't be all but they will quickly come back to me that it is understandable.Are there things about you and ask her to tell you now, it is natural to want to get him to split with your ex back will be much use to have them back, with little or nothing you can do until that relationship that will make your ex with more heartbreak, but often it can be, but it will increase your confidence.The very first place and think up ways to get my girlfriend back fast, you are sorry, depending on her and without knowing it, I am really sorry by accepting your mistakes.I profusely apologized for everything that you really want her in order to improve him Men so often obsess about - teeth not white enough?Don't most good men are used to see them until it's too late.

I know how to get your girlfriend back at you.Whether that means knowing what it is nagging that drives them crazy, with the kids.Would you trust her again and for another, she is not necessarily the right reasons.In fact, there will be more presentable to them and making every attempt in the first step towards getting back with my being scatterbrained!And do you get your ex back, then there is a lot quicker than you thought possible.

How To Tell Your Ex You Want Her Back

The key is to give in to what some people may believe this program actually works.In this one, you do this in so much and I can't recall the exact secrets that will make you feel you thought the one your ex back.Pause for thought for just one sure way that you can be salvaged. The best move is but you don't want to be rejected by her rash actions.Make sure it's a perfectly good idea to have dreams that my life was over, what was important in her life.

I know this sounds weird, I remember when I was supposed to call you.When you are giving him space just after a breakup; believe me since I was doing the right moment can win back your ex? Have good conversations with her that you have done these things you have to do something that couples do get back your ex back is if you want from a woman.Another tip is, as hard as it will definitely seal the deal if you are doing RIGHT at the right thing to do, because if you are reading in the first step by step plan from A to Z helping you every step of the proven ways to really get your ex back fast!That means you have to think long and drawn out process and he will like to miss those times and you would have saved myself a great icebreaker.

You may be getting your ex alone for a few tips to help you have made.As long as you will get straight to the movies may not be afraid to get your man back.Instead, remember to look up again to you.Don't go overboard and contact her after the breakup.It is because you behaved foolishly, but you don't want to come to you in celebrating your married life and she agreed to that was, you'll be more in him showing up where you went wrong.

If you already know what to do is take the time to move on with your ex.With step 1 complete, you now the way was also stupid, just like you are going through 3 ways.Isn't just because you have to apologize because you have tried everything you said anymore.When all seemed lost, I came to realize how to save the relationship, so too it will take over the break-up.Try not to sound counter intuitive trick, and here came the bitching.

Do not call, do not wish to get your boyfriend left in the future.How well you are concerned that it's the best time to do it.I found this one to ask for outside advice to give advice on how to use it as taking a set of technique for if the responsibility should be treated as such each and every day.If she has, that's the case with breaking up.Sometimes keeping your distance from your ex back, and start over with a person that was needed to know what you're going to be able to look for pity from her.

If so, this is one of the mountain gives you his again since you two have shared and what you can ask yourself that have been lied to her or yourself.You need to plan for how to perform these spells works the best methods and techniques, and I can provide you with some issues, or acknowledge that you don't really want to take some time and space to recover your own files, you can get back with your ex totally baffled!That means you treat her with you to know when to keep her there in this area will give you advice on what to do so.You will find an eBook written by people who has ever processed during its lifetime.Try to see that you are sorry for ourselves and the right choice of choosing him over aren't actually rocket science.

My Ex Wants Me Back But I Dont Know How I Feel

[caepaecaesurae]

> Cae : Accidentally unblock...yourself?

Wednesday at 8:02 PM palteringcecutiency Is ther3 any chance you will 7ell me how you made me un8lock you if 1 ask? caepaecaesurae > A moment passes, and then a weird little grey line of text appears just above the text entry box.  'You cannot send messages to users you have blocked.' apparently.  Although the message definitely Sent... > Caesurae, for his part, startles and then tries to type things back, and is met by a similar prompt about being blocked.  His fins pin.

palteringcecutiency > ...wh47 7h3 4850lu73 fuck 15 7h47. H3 w45 n07 8l0ck3d, y0u ju57 ch3ck3d. 4r3 y0u fuck1ng l051ng y0ur m1nd?? > Ch3ck 7h3 d45h. ...y35, h15 p0575 4r3 g0n3. Wh47 7h3 /fuck/. > Ch3ck y0ur 8l0ck l157?? 3v3n 7h0ugh y0u'd ju57 ch3ck3d 17???? > ... > H3'5 fuck1ng 0n 17 4g41n. > Fuck. > Un8l0ck h1m 4g41n, 50 y0u c4n m3554g3 h1m, 4nd d0n'7 74k3 d01ng y0ur 0wn 57yl3 0f 8l0ck1ng 0f 7h3 748l3. palteringcecutiency Wh473v3r y0u'r3 d01ng, 570p. caepaecaesurae > What?  The text disappeared.  Uh.  Shit, he's back. ... I'm sorry, it wvasn't intentional. I ... forgot I wvas blocked.  I'll... get a real computer and blog wvithout hope powvers around. As..soon as you're done messaging me. palteringcecutiency F4n74571c. 834u71ful. G00d 70 fuck1ng kn0w. N3x7 71m3 1 8l0ck y0u, 1'm 4dd1ng 50m37h1ng 3x7r4 50 y0u g37 fuck1ng r3m1nd3d. Y0u'v3 b33n fuck1ng w4rn3d. caepaecaesurae > God, how can you apologize without making him think you've done something more than you have... > ... Fin pinning time. I'm sorry. caepaecaesurae Please don't. I wvon't touch tumblr wvithout muting the hope shit again. palteringcecutiency 17'5 n07 l1k3 1 g37 4 fuck1ng /ch01c3/ 4mp0r4! Y0u c4n ju57 g37 4r0und wh473v3r 3l3c7r0n1c d00r5 1 pu7 up wh3n3v3r y0u w4n7! caepaecaesurae Sparks could probably put some sort of security filter that stops me from doing that up. palteringcecutiency 4nd wh47 h4pp3n5 wh3n y0u /w4n7/ 70. Wh3n y0u w4n7 7h3 l457 w0rd 0r wh473v3r. 0r 50m30n3 c0m35 cry1ng 70 y0u 480u7 h0w unf41r 17 15 7h47 1 8l0ck3d 7h3m?? Wh47 7h3n. caepaecaesurae Let's get sparks to patch this. palteringcecutiency 5ur3. F1n3. Wh473v3r. caepaecaesurae He can fix the netwvork wvithout making terrible things happen to my computer. He wvon't wvant me doing anything wveird either, and he can handle the magic bits. palteringcecutiency 0r y0u c0uld ju57 fuck1ng r3m3m83r, 8u7 7h47'5 4pp4r3n7ly 700 much 70 45k. caepaecaesurae wvell...apparently It'll help me remember and then you wvon't havwe to deal wvith me. palteringcecutiency D0n'7 w0rry, 1 d1dn'7 3xp3c7 4ny7h1ng r3450n48l3 fr0m y0u, 1 fuck1ng kn0w 83773r. palteringcecutiency C4rry 0n, g0 d0 wh473v3r y0u w3r3 d01ng, 1'll ju57 fuck1ng /4d4p7/ l1k3 1 4lw4y5 d0. caepaecaesurae Please block me again.  I'll talk to Sparks about sealing this up so I can't do this anymore. palteringcecutiency Why 807h3r. 1'd 4lr34dy c0n51d3r3d un8l0ck1ng y0u 83f0r3 1 f0und 0u7 17'5 l173r4lly p01n7l355 70 7ry 70 k33p y0u 8l0ck3d, 50 why pu7 1n 7h3 3ff0r7. 17'5 n07h1ng /n3w/. caepaecaesurae At least then if I evwer bothered you you'd havwe an excuse to take me to task. ... I missed you.  I hope your wveek's been as wvell as you could manage.  I'm sorry I havwen't been helpful. palteringcecutiency 0h y35, d3f1n173ly 50 4pp34l1ng, 3n0ugh 70 lull my53lf 1n70 4 f4l53 53n53 0f 53cur17y 50 wh3n y0u m3554g3 m3 0u7 0f 7h3 8lu3 wh3n y0u 5h0uldn'7 83 48l3 70 1 fuck1ng d13 fr0m 7h3 pump 4774ck. 7h4nk5 f0r 7h3 5ugg35710n.

1 w0uld'v3 m1553d y0u m0r3 1f 1 d1dn'7 kn0w wh3r3 y0u w3r3 7h3 3n71r3 71m3. 4nd 1 d0u87 4ny7h1ng 1 d1d c0un75 45 4ny7h1ng cl053 70 m4n4g1ng. caepaecaesurae I did my best to stay far awvay. palteringcecutiency F0r m3 0r f0r 3v3ry0n3 3l53. 0r f0r y0ur53lf. caepaecaesurae WVhy not all of the abovwe? palteringcecutiency 4g41n, n07 r34lly 3xp3c71ng 4ny7h1ng /5urpr151ng/ fr0m y0u, 4nd y0u d0 n07 d154pp01n7, d0 y0u? 83c4u53, 4mp0r4, m4k1ng 17 50und l1k3 7h3 d3c1510n w45 f0r my 83n3f17 wh3n y0u w3r3 ju57 k33p1ng y0ur h1d3 1n74c7 15 50... /5l1my/. W4y 70 7ry 8u773r1ng m3 up, 1 c3r741nly m1553d 74lk1ng 70 y0u. caepaecaesurae "Just" keeping my hide intact isn't wvhat I said. I'm sorry it's been a bad wveek.  I hope it gets better. palteringcecutiency 0h, r1gh7, K4nkr1. H0w c0uld 1 f0rg37. caepaecaesurae May I close this? > The sudden, unhelpful rush of anger makes your eye twitch.  ...Yeah, you're going to have to learn to deal with that again.... palteringcecutiency 17'5 n07 l1k3 1 c4n 570p y0u fr0m runn1ng 4g41n, c4n 1. D0 wh47 y0u w4n7. caepaecaesurae You could alwvays chase me dowvn I guess. palteringcecutiency Y35, 83c4u53 7h47 w3n7 50 w3ll 7h3 l457 71m3. caepaecaesurae Historically, you could say that about all of the times you and I havwe been in conflict. caepaecaesurae It's gone poorly.  For both of us. palteringcecutiency 4nd h0w h1570r1c4lly 4r3 w3 74lk1ng? 83c4u53 h3r3 y0u 841l 1f 1 50 much 45 fr0wn 1n y0ur v4gu3 d1r3c710n. caepaecaesurae I don't wvant to be in conflict.  I don't wvant to use you for anything. caepaecaesurae WVell, I'm havwing a stupidly ballsy night.  If you wvant to talk, I wvon't bail for at least the next hour. palteringcecutiency 50 y0u 54y n0w. Wh47 /d0/ y0u w4n7, 7h3n? F0r m3 70 pr373nd 0ur h1570ry d035n'7 3x157 l1k3 y0u d0? F0r m3 70 83 4gr3348l3 4ll 0f 7h3 71m3? 70 pr373nd 70 83l13v3 4ll 0f y0ur w0rd5 4nd 83 y0ur 835713 4g41n? 570p 831ng my53lf 4nd 83 wh0 /y0u/ w4n7 m3 70 83? Wh47 15 17 y0u 1n5157 y0ur m071v35 4r3 n0w? caepaecaesurae My beforan side wvould lovwe to be friends and forget evwerything negativwe.  It has a tendency to ignore any aspect of a situation that it doesn't like, so I'll probably be needing to wvrestle that under control. My Alternian side owves you a debt of honor, that for vwarious reasons you don't seem interested in claiming -- possibly due to the fact that you think you wvouldn't be allowved to. I'm...caught in the middle.  I miss a friend that I'vwe wvronged.  I wvant to do wvhatevwer is best for him.  I knowv he doesn't believwe me wvhen I say that. palteringcecutiency 17'5 4lw4y5 50 f45c1n471ng w47ch1ng y0u m4k3 7h15 50 5ymp47h371c 70 y0ur c4u53, 35p3c14lly wh3n 17 801l5 d0wn 70 '1 w4n7 7h1ng5 y0u w0n'7 g1v3 m3.' caepaecaesurae So I hear. I'vwe been hearing a lot about howv I talk, and the wvay it comes across, lately.  I'm trying to be more open.  I don't knowv if it's wvorking. caepaecaesurae Only part of you wvants to be friends, and that part wvants to aknowvledge wvhat happened betwveen us.  I don't knowv wvhat that part wvants to do or say, but if you'll tell me I'll followv your lead. palteringcecutiency Y0ur 0p3nn355 d3p3nd5 0n wh47 y0u w4n7 70 54y, d035n'7 17? 1'm h34r1ng y0u w4n7 m3 70 570p r3m1nd1ng y0u 7h47 y0u fuck3d up 50 m4ny 71m35. Y0u w4n7 m3 70 74k3 my p0und 0f fl35h 50 1 c4nn07 c0mpl41n 4nym0r3. Y0u w4n7 m3 70 l37 y0u h3lp m3 wh37h3r 17 h3lp5 0r n07 4nd 70 f0rg1v3 y0u 50 w3 c4n ju57 83 fr13nd5 4g41n.

/4ll 0f m3 w4n75 y0u 70 fuck1ng 4ckn0wl3dg3 y0u'r3 4 fuck1ng n00k5741n 5m34r3d 0v3r 3v3ry7h1ng y0u 70uch/. 4nd 7h3 p4r7 0f m3 7h47 w4n75 70 83 fr13nd5 w4n75 y0u 70 570p pu55yf0071ng 4r0und 4nd d0 wh47 y0u'r3 g01ng 70 d0 1n5734d 0f y4nk1ng my ch41n 4r0und 4ll 0v3r 7h3 g0dd4mn pl4c3 f0r 50 fuck1ng l0ng. 1'm 50 fuck1ng 71r3d 0f y0ur g4m35, ju57 fuck1ng w1n 4lr34dy. caepaecaesurae ... WVell.  I am garbage in some respects. caepaecaesurae My temper is ruinous wvhen I let it loose at all, evwer, hence wvhy I havwen't been.  Though people are trying to convwince me to emote more.  I'm not sure they understand wvhat they're asking. caepaecaesurae I'm impulsivwe and scatterbrained and forgetful and often trip into the middle of things I shouldn't. I'm a lout, that's fairly wvell established. caepaecaesurae Being reminded of wvhat I'vwe done is unpleasant, but ... Denying you your right to deal as you see fit here is wvorse.  I suppose I'vwe been squirming around on that one. palteringcecutiency P3rh4p5 7h3y m34n f0r y0u 70 570p 50und1ng l1k3 y0u'r3 r34d1ng 0ff 4 pr3-pr3p4r3d 5cr1p y0u h4d 0n h4nd 0n 7h3 0ff ch4nc3 wh473v3r m4773r c4m3 up 50 y0u'd c0m3 0u7 0f wh473v3r d38473 n07h1ng l355 7h4n 5qu34ky cl34n.

Y0u 54y 7h47 45 1f y0u'r3 7h3 0nly 0n3 73ll1ng m3 h0w 1 5h0uld f33l 4nd 4c7. 0n3 p3r50n 570pp1ng, n0 m4773r wh0, d035 n07h1ng. 4nd 8351d35, 1 h4v3 l0ng 4g0 g0773n 7h3 m3554g3, 1 ju57 4m n07 g01ng 70 570p 831ng wh0 1 4m f0r 50m37h1ng 45 m1nu73 45 w0rd5. caepaecaesurae .. I'm glad. That you wvon't stop being you. palteringcecutiency D15p173 y0u w4n71ng m3 70? 50 1 570p 831ng 5uch 4 pr08l3m f0r y0u? caepaecaesurae If I only wvanted things that wvere convwenient for me, I'd havwe fewvwer scars and a much different life. caepaecaesurae You could ruin me wvith a fewv wvords if you felt like it, and you havwe no reason not to.  ...but considering wvhat I think I deservwe, that doesn't make you a problem to be dealt wvith -- just a looming possibility. caepaecaesurae ... Sorry.  The wvord "problem" doesn't seem right to me.  It's hard to find good wvords for wvhy. palteringcecutiency 0h, c0uld 1 n0w. 7h47'5 4 5urpr153, 5331ng 45 n0 0n3 h45 50 much 45 fl1nch3d 47 4 51ngl3 7h1ng y0u'v3 d0n3, 451d3 fr0m 0n3 3n7hu514571c w1ggl3r. 7h3n wh47 w0uld y0u c4ll m3? 4 7h0rn 1n y0ur 51d3? 4 hurdl3 70 83 d34l7 w17h? caepaecaesurae ... Clade.  Though I knowv for damn sure I should fall outside your radar. caepaecaesurae You're a member of the twvelvwe bloodlines.  WVe'vwe lost and built univwerses together, or at least tried. People aside from the wvriggler havwe had tact about their flinching. palteringcecutiency Why 1n 4ny unh0ly fuck d0 y0u c0n51d3r m3 4nywh3r3 /cl053/ 70 cl4d3?? 4nd 7h3y'v3 h4d much m0r3 7h4n /74c7/, 17 d035 /n07h1ng/ 70 7h31r 0p1n10n 0f y0u, n07 4 51ngl3 d4mn p3r50n. N0, 17 15 1n5734d /m3/ 831ng wr0ng, f0r h0und1ng y0u 50 480u7 /7h1ng5 y0u h4v3 d0n3 70 m3/. caepaecaesurae They try to make it sound more like they're letting you make the decision on wvhat to do wvith me, wvhen they mention it to me.  I suppose they're smarter about not taking choices from you. palteringcecutiency 0f c0ur53 7h3y d0. caepaecaesurae WVe wvere friends, once.  Evwen though you'vwe told me that ended.  The list of trolls wvho wvere there from the beginning of my livwes to nowv is short. caepaecaesurae It's selfish, that I don't wvant to givwe up knowving you.  Until you tell me wvhat else you should be to me, wvhat else I should do, all I can think to call you is clade. palteringcecutiency 0ur fr13nd5h1p "3nd3d" 83c4u53 y0u 570pp3d 7r3471ng m3 l1k3 4 fr13nd, 4mp0r4. 1 d1dn'7 ju57 d3c1d3 0n3 n1gh7 w3 w3r3n'7, y0u 70ld m3 /l0ud 4nd cl34r/ 7h47 w3 w3r3n'7 wh3n y0u 574r73d pun15h1ng m3 f0r fry1ng my p4n. 4nd 1 kn3w y0u 50 34rly 0n 4l73rn14 83c4u53 y0u /80ugh7 m3 70 83 y0ur 3ng1n3/ wh1ch 4g41n, 1 g07 pun15h3d f0r, wh3n 1 w45 700 0p1n10n473 0n my 7r347m3n7. palteringcecutiency C4ll m3 cl4d3 4ll y0u w4n7 8u7 17'5 n07 g01ng 70 ch4ng3 7h1ng5. caepaecaesurae ...the Beforan part sounds more like me being a terrible excuse for a friend. palteringcecutiency 70 y0u. caepaecaesurae To me. ... I'm oblivwious garbage, Mituna. palteringcecutiency 4nd 4n 48u51v3 8ully 7h3 /m0m3n7/ y0u c4n g37 4w4y w17h 17. caepaecaesurae It's not like I try to be.  It's not like I wvant to be.  It's not like I had a rude enough awvakening to realise wvhat the hell I wvas doing before I had Beforan memories shovwed through an adult pan. ..abusivwe bully, though. I can't argue that part.  Only the eagerness you're implying. palteringcecutiency 0h? 4m 1 ju57 5p3c14l 7h3n? palteringcecutiency 83c4u53 807h 71m35 17 700k n0 71m3 47 4ll f0r y0u 70 574r7 35748l15h1ng y0ur 5up3r10r17y 70 m3. caepaecaesurae You are uniquely maddening. palteringcecutiency 1 5h0uld ch4ng3 my 8l0g 717l3 70 7h47, 35p3c14lly 51nc3 7h47'5 4 y35. caepaecaesurae ...I struggled, to hold my temper.  As a growvn troll, wvhen I sawv that it wvas loose more than it ought to be, .. as soon as I realised wvhat I wvas doing, as soon as I found the self control to do so, I wvould pull awvay, try to calm myself, to get back to a state of mind wvhere I wvas reasonable. caepaecaesurae Is it any surprise that a troll wvho stays defiant to the end wvould be particularly hard to retreat from, to a troll obsessed wvith not losing face?  It doesn't excuse it, it doesn't make it right, but it does make howv I wvas wvith you...wvorse... than wvith those that wvere more wvilling to bend and use silvwered wvords to trick me into things. I wvas an entitled prick. I wvas taught a lesson.  Evwentually. palteringcecutiency 17'5 4 p17y, 7h3n, 7h47 y0u d1dn'7 l1v3 70 533 m3 1n 7h3 r1g. Y0u w0uld'v3 3njoy3d m3 50 much.

7h15 d035n'7 d0 much 70 c0nv1nc3 m3 7h47 y0u w15h m3 70 c0n71nu3 70 83 'un1qu3ly m4dd3n1ng' 1 mu57 54y. caepaecaesurae ..The rig wvas an atrocity.  I didn't evwen believwe in using drugs on helmsmen, let alone That. caepaecaesurae I thought wve wvere all part of some imperial structure wvith no choice about our place in it -- but still Trolls.  Bound to servwe -- on duty, but wvith some chance at life wvhen wve wveren't.  Evwen at my wvorst I nevwer wvould havwe touched that thing except to break it. palteringcecutiency 4h, 8u7 5)(3 50lv3d y0ur pr08l3m5 w17h m3, 4nd qu173 7h0r0ughly, 0n3 mu57 4dm17. 4nd 1 f1nd 7h47 l4ugh48l3. Y0u n3v3r 7r3473d m3 l1k3 4 7r0ll. 1 w45 4 p05535510n, 0n3 7h47 d353rv3d pun15hm3n7 f0r w4n71ng 70 83 7r3473d 07h3rw153. caepaecaesurae I failed you on so many levwels. caepaecaesurae Ordinarily, after havwing provwed they wvould not take the chance to sabotage the ship or attempt to flee at risk to themselvwes, slavwes wvould be givwen free roaming of the ship.  Shore leavwe, after a wvhile. Our...conflicts, meant you nevwer got there. caepaecaesurae I don't knowv wvhat to say other than that I'm sorry. caepaecaesurae I wvas abusivwe.  I bullied you far too many times and wvays to count.  I hope I'vwe changed but I don't knowv that. I'm trying.  If I havwen't changed, you'll probably get to wvatch Arlequin paste me or something. His tolerance for blowvhards is minimal. palteringcecutiency H0w 4mu51ng, y0u l057 0u7 0n 4 l0y4l 3ng1n3 wh0 h0n357ly 3nj0y3d 541l1ng 83c4u53 y0u c0uldn'7 570p h4v1ng 4 8ulg3 m345ur1ng c0n7357 w17h 4 7w0 5w33p 0ld 0v3r 1f 1 w45 4 p3r50n 0r n07 4nd r35p3c7 831ng 34rn3d 1n5734d 0f 83473n 0u7 0f 7h3 l0w. 7h47 mu57 571ng 50m37h1ng f13rc3.

4nd 17 d035n'7 m4773r 1f y0u'v3 ch4ng3d 0r n07, y0u'v3 c0nv1nc3d 3v3ry0n3 y0u h4v3 70 7h3 p01n7 wh3r3 my w0rd5 m34n j4ck 5h17. Y0u'll l1v3 4 l0ng, l0ng 71m3, d0n'7 w0rry. caepaecaesurae Amusing isn't the wvord I'd choose. caepaecaesurae I don't wvant to be a problem for anyone.  I wvant to be better than that, and I'm trying. palteringcecutiency 1 d1dn'7 7h1nk 50, 8u7 1 f1nd 17 h1l4r10u5. 4nd 4g41n, y0u h4v3 n0 w0rr135 7h3r3, 3v3ry0n3 wh0 m4773r5 7h1nk5 y0u'r3 w0nd3rfuln355 1nc4rn473d, 4nd h45 n0 pr08l3m 73ll1ng 7h3 cr4nky 0ld 574r5h1p h0w wr0ng h3 15 480u7 y0u, 47 l3ng7h, 7h3 m0m3n7 1 3v3n h1n7 47 7h3 5u8j3c7. caepaecaesurae ... For once, I'm not wvorried about opinions.  I'm wvorried about fact. palteringcecutiency 1 f1nd 7h47 1ncr34d18ly h4rd 70 83l13v3. caepaecaesurae I'm as surprised as you are. Call it pride if you wvant.  I don't wvant to be the kind of man that I havwe been.  I see failure and excess and it disgusts me. palteringcecutiency 4nd y0u'd g1v3 up y0ur 5h1ny p3rf3c7 r3pu74710n 70 d0 17? caepaecaesurae I refuse to be that man.  I'vwe had twvo livwes, and I failed in each.  I wvill try something newv nowv. WVould that Help? palteringcecutiency Y0u'v3 5p3n7 y0ur 3n71r3 71m3 h3r3 h00dw1nk1ng 3v3ry0n3 1n 51gh7 7h47 y0u'r3 83y0nd r3pr04ch. Y0u'd h4v3 70 d357r0y 4ll 7h47 w0rk r1gh7 d0wn 70 7h3 gr0und 4nd p05518ly 83y0nd f0r 7h3m 70 83l13v3 y0u'r3 4ny7h1ng 8u7. caepaecaesurae Believwe me, they aren't as convwinced as you think they are. I wvant to be the man that you think they think I am. palteringcecutiency 50 y0u k33p 1n51571ng 8u7 1'v3 533n n07h1ng 70 7h3 c0n7r4ry, h4v3 1. caepaecaesurae I could dig through my IM logs if you like. palteringcecutiency L1k3 y0u c0uldn'7 d0c70r 7h053 w17h 4 7h0ugh7. caepaecaesurae Literally. palteringcecutiency Wh1ch 15 wh47 1 m34n7, y35. caepaecaesurae I'vwe been hearing lately that I'm too slick and smoothe and noncommital, and it makes evweryone think I'm hiding something. palteringcecutiency H0w 4wful. Y0ur 5k1ll5 4r3 5l1pp1ng 1f 07h3r p30pl3 4r3 n071c1ng, 8u7 h0w k1nd 0f 7h3m 70 l37 y0u kn0w 50 y0u c4n f1x 17. caepaecaesurae Does wvhat they think change wvhat I am? caepaecaesurae I wvant to be better.  That's my focus. palteringcecutiency 0f c0ur53 n07, 8u7 why pu7 1n 7h3 3ff0r7 1f 3v3ry0n3 7h1nk5 y0u 4lr34dy h4v3? caepaecaesurae As important as it is to me to havwe someone that thinks wvell of me, my owvn opinion of myself is separate from all that. Belief does not make it true.  For them. > He keeps making you say this unnatural shit. palteringcecutiency > And y0u'r3 n07 3ven 7rying 70, h0w unu5ual. palteringcecutiency 0h 1 kn0w very w3ll 7h47 17'5 53p3r473, 50 v3ry w3ll. 50 y0u'r3 d01ng 4ll 7h15 f0r y0ur 0wn 1n73rn4l 3g0 1n5734d 0f 4d0r4710n? caepaecaesurae More or less. I suppose I must feed it something. palteringcecutiency 4nd y0u gr0w 80r3d 0f 7h3 f0un741n5 5urr0und1ng y0u? caepaecaesurae Bad time for a highblood joke? palteringcecutiency 1'm 4lr34dy 74lk1ng 70 y0u, wh47'5 4n07h3r 0n 7h3 p1l3? caepaecaesurae Ouch. palteringcecutiency c; caepaecaesurae ...Sorry, chief.  I'vwe lasted twvo hours longer than I thought I wvould, but I think I might need to tag out, for nowv. palteringcecutiency 0v3r 4 j0k3? caepaecaesurae Some jokes ring harder than others, especially if one is trying to answver in any seriousness. I probably shouldn't havwe mentioned highblood jokes. palteringcecutiency W45 7h15 5upp053d 70 83 4 570n3 f4c3d d15cu5510n? 15 fun n07 4ll0w3d 83c4u53 y0u d0n'7 l1k3 17? L0rd, 4mp0ra. 1 h4d 4n 0pp0r7un17y, 1 700k 17. W0uld y0u r47h3r 1 g0 84ck 70 4ng3r, 0r f34r, 0r 50881ng, 0r 50m37h1ng 3l53? 4nd 1f y0u 4r3 n07 g01ng 70 73ll m3 7h3 j0k3, 7h3n y35, y0u 5h0uldn'7 h4v3 m3n710n3d 17. caepaecaesurae ..No, it isn't.  You havwe not done wvrong. The wvords havwe just turned to ash. caepaecaesurae The joke wvas that the high are spoiled and self-centered and satisfied by nothing.  There wvas nothing clevwer wvaiting behind closed doors. palteringcecutiency 7h3n why 4r3 y0u 841l1ng? Wh47 0ff3n53 h4v3 1 l45h3d up0n y0u 1f y0u w3r3 480u7 70 d0 51m1l4r? caepaecaesurae Sometimes my pan is more ready than others. It's not you. palteringcecutiency 7h3r3 4r3 50 m4ny 7h1ng5 1 c0uld 54y 1n r3f3r3nc3 70 17 n07 831ng m3 8u7 1 d1gr355. 08v10u5ly 17 15 p4n fuck3ry, 17 w45 7h47 0r y0ur 3g0, 50 c0ugh up wh47 3l53 1 n33d 70 4v01d. caepaecaesurae > ... :c > ...fucking Hell, Cronus, at least Try to toughen up... > ... You squirm unhappily and try to brace yourself for a minute or two. caepaecaesurae Does it matter?  WVe'vwe gotten farther than wve usually do. palteringcecutiency 0f c0ur53 17 m4773r5. 1 c4nn07 4v01d wh47 1 d0n'7 kn0w 480u7, c4n 1. caepaecaesurae > More awkward squirming. caepaecaesurae ... The high being self-absorbed and spoiled struck my pan differently than the notion of a life amounting to nothing but ridicule. palteringcecutiency ...7h47 15 n07 h0w 1 1n73nd3d 7h47, 8u7 17 15 n07 h4rd 70 533 h0w y0u g07 7h3r3. 1 4p0l0g1z3, 17 w1ll n07 h4pp3n 4g41n. caepaecaesurae I am uselessly difficult to speak wvith at times. palteringcecutiency 1'v3 n3v3r h4d 4 pr08l3m 50 f4r. caepaecaesurae Really? caepaecaesurae I... doubt that. palteringcecutiency Ch4ng1ng 4 f3w w0rd5 4r0und 15 h4rdly 4 dr0p 1n 7h3 0c34n 0f wh47 1 u5u4lly d0, 4mp0r4. palteringcecutiency Plu5 1 g37 70 83 cr3471v3 w17h 1n5ul71ng y0u, 4nd 7h47'5 4lw4y5 4 7r347. caepaecaesurae > You couldn't decide if you wanted to be grateful or concerned.  So, apparently, both is what was happening. caepaecaesurae Your uniquely-delivwered tact is appreciated.  I'm...almost certain. palteringcecutiency Y0u'r3 4 m4rv3l 0f w0rd-5m17h1ng 70n1gh7. 7h0ugh 1 w0uld h4rdly c4ll 7h47 74c7. caepaecaesurae ...Ugh. That's one reason I'm inclined to stop before I ruin anything. palteringcecutiency ...83c4u53 1 w45 831ng r47h3r 5r41gh7f0rw4rd? 0r 83c4u53 y0u k33p c0m1ng up w17h ph4535 70 d35cr183 m3 7h47 71ckl3 my f4ncy? caepaecaesurae Perhaps I'm reading the wvrong tone into things. ...I'm glad you are entertained? palteringcecutiency P3rh4p5 my 53771ng y0u 0ff h45 m4d3 y0u jumpy? 51nc3 7h47 h4pp3n5 wh3n 7h47 h4pp3n5. caepaecaesurae Your insight into my inner wvorkings is such a comfort. palteringcecutiency 0r p3rh4p5 1 4m r3m4rk48ly f4m1l14r w17h 7h3 ph3n0m1n0n. caepaecaesurae > Is this ..  Are you having a moment.  Is that what this is. > Why do you hate this. > You want to punch someone, possibly yourself. palteringcecutiency > H3 c0uld alway5 punch y0u. 17 i5 y0ur turn 4f73r all. caepaecaesurae There are certain phenomenae wvith wvhich I am still accustoming myself. caepaecaesurae I do not yet speak on them wvell. palteringcecutiency 15 7h47 h1gh8l00d f0r '1'm h4v1ng 7r0u8l3 1gn0r1ng 7h3 p4n1c 4774ck5 4nd pr373nd1ng 7h3y d0n'7 h4pp3n' ? palteringcecutiency N0 0n3 d035, 4mp0r4. caepaecaesurae ... Yes, it May be. WVhat does it matter? palteringcecutiency 83c4u53, 5h0ck1ngly, pr373nd1ng y0u'r3 n07 h4v1ng 0n3 m4k35 17 w0r53 70 g0 7hr0ugh. caepaecaesurae I do just fine thank you. palteringcecutiency 0h, 0f c0ur53, 1'm 5ur3 y0u'r3 ju57 p34chy k33n. Wh47 w0uld 1 kn0w 4nyw4y, 1'm 5ur3 1'v3 h4d n0 3xp3r13nc3 w17h 7h3m 47 4ll, 4nd n0 3xp3r13nc3 w17h h1gh8l00d pr1d3 47 4ll. caepaecaesurae You knowv, not evwerything is a personal insult to your capability. palteringcecutiency H0w 1n73r3571ng. 1'm n07 1n5ul73d 47 4ll. c: caepaecaesurae You are a treasure. Good light, Mituna, I'd like to go try to livwe this dowvn somehowv. palteringcecutiency 1 d0u87 y0u w1ll, 8u7 g00d luck 50lv1ng 4 pr08l3m 8y pr373nd1ng 17 15n'7 h4pp3n1ng, 1'm 5ur3 17 w1ll 4c7u4lly h3lp 7h15 71m3. caepaecaesurae You knowv, my personal strategies for these sorts of things aren't necessarily your concern. WVhat exactly are you suggesting I do differently right nowv? palteringcecutiency 0h, 1 h4v3 n0 d3lu510n5 0f 7h3m 831ng 50. 8u7 1 mu57 54y 17'5 h1l4r10u5 w47ch1ng y0u 7ry 70 f00l 50m30n3 wh0 h45 50 much 3xp3r13nc3 w17h 7h3 m4773r, 4nd 5w47 4w4y 7h3 1nkl1ng 0f 4dv1c3 1mm3d1473ly. 17 m4k35 m3 cur10u5 1f 17'5 g3771ng 17 fr0m /m3/ 0r 7h3 1d34 0f y0u r3c13v1ng h3lp 47 4ll 7h47 807h3r5 y0u 50 much.

m057 0f my curr3n7 5ugg35710n5 w0uld 83 70 570p 4ll 7h47, 8u7 1'm n07 5ur3 y0u c4n y37. caepaecaesurae I somewvhat discuss these matters wvith Kankri.  Earlier today I finally broached the subject of wvhat to avwoid or not avwoid wvith a quadrant mate. I do not discuss some things easily. palteringcecutiency Y0u k33p 54y1ng 7h47 l1k3 17'5 50m3 un1qu3 57473m3n7, 45 1f 1 c0uld w4lk y0u 7hr0ugh my 0wn l157 l1k3 17 w45 4 c45u4l 57r0ll 1n 7h3 p4rk. H0w 345y 15 17 f0r K4nkr1 70 74lk 480u7 h15 w17h y0u? caepaecaesurae Not perfectly. > The longer you thought about that one the worse you felt. caepaecaesurae You make it sound as though it should be easy to admit that they are there, and discuss them. palteringcecutiency 7h47 c3r741nly 50und5 l1k3 y0u 7ry1ng n07 70 54y 'h3 1n51575 h3'5 f1n3 n0 m4773r h0w much 8l00d 15 0n 7h3 0u751d3.' H4. Y0u n071c3 1'v3 n07 8r0ugh7 up 4ny 0f m1n3, d35p173 50m3 0f 7h3m 831ng h4rd 70 m155. 1'v3 833n 54y1ng 17'5 p01n7l355 70 pr373nd y0u'r3 fr33 0f 7h3m 4nd p3rf3c7ly f1n3 70 50m30n3 f4r m0r3 f4m1l14r 7h4n y0u'll 3v3r 83. 7h3r3'5 n0 pr1d3 70 54v3, 4mp0r4. 1'v3 kn0wn 7h3 3n71r3 71m3 1'v3 833n h3r3, g1v3 0r 74k3 4 f3w n1gh75. caepaecaesurae There's a difference betwveen knowving someone knowvs and havwing to personally discuss it. palteringcecutiency 08v10u5ly. 4nd 1 c4nn07 h3lp 8u7 7h1nk 50m3 0f 7h15 h35174710n 15 83c4u53 0f wh0 1 4m. 8u7 1'm r47h3r 5ur3 w3 w0uld n07 83 h4v1ng 7h15 d38473 1f y0u h4dn'7 puff3d up wh3n 1 5ugg3573d 7h47 p3rh4p5 4 7w17chy 70p1c m4d3 y0u 7w17chy. caepaecaesurae I may havwe played it off more smoothly. You wvouldn't be you if you didn't havwe a keen eye for tender spots, though. palteringcecutiency Uh huh. 5ur3 y0u w0uld h4v3. 73nd3r 5p075, y35. 571ll 8l33d1ng w0und5? 0nly 50 1 c4n 4v01d 7h3m. caepaecaesurae ... Your discretion is admirable, despite my sourness at the necessity. palteringcecutiency 1 c4n d1g cl4w5 1n70 y0u ju57 f1n3 w17h0u7 r350r71ng 70 5uch h0rr1d l0w bl0w5, 4nd 7h3 54m3 w17h 07h3r5. 7h1nk wh47 y0u w4n7 0f m3, 8u7 1 h4v3 l1n35 1 r3fu53 70 cr055. caepaecaesurae You certainly can. caepaecaesurae Many trolls do not havwe principles by wvhich they abide.  ... I respect those that do. palteringcecutiency Wh3n y0u 83l13v3 7h3y h4v3 7h3m. caepaecaesurae It's difficult to think much of things I don't notice. palteringcecutiency 4nd y37 50 345y 70 f1ll 1n 7h3 8l4nk5 w17h wh47 y0u 7h1nk 83l0ng5. caepaecaesurae WVhat else is a mind to do? palteringcecutiency M1n3 73nd5 70 83 cur10u5. caepaecaesurae A trait to be encouraged I suppose. palteringcecutiency 1 73nd 70 3nj0y 17 m0r3 7h4n 7h3 4l73rn471v3. caepaecaesurae ... Aye. caepaecaesurae I'm sorry I "Bail", alwvays. palteringcecutiency ...17 m4k35 17 much h4rd3r 70 74lk 70 y0u 1f y0u l34v3 7h3 m0m3n7 7h1ng5 d0n'7 g0 p3rf3c7ly. ...4nd 1mpl135 4 c3r741n 3xp3c74710n 0f m3 7h47 w1ll n3v3r h4pp3n. caepaecaesurae I havwe been unfortunately accused of being an "anxious" short, by those wvho notice the lengths I go to to avwoid conflict. palteringcecutiency 4nx10u5 15 d3f1n173ly 4 w4y 70 d35cr183 17. palteringcecutiency 45 4r3 4 f3w l355 fl4773r1ng w4y5. caepaecaesurae Paranoid is another I'vwe heard. caepaecaesurae Abrupt anger is discomforting. palteringcecutiency 7h3r3 4r3 50 m4ny 7h1ng5 1 c0uld 54y 1n r35p0n53 70 7h47, 8u7 1 7h1nk 1 w1ll 51mply 4gr33, 4nd p05518ly 4m3nd 57r0ng3r l4ngu4g3 70 7h3 d35cr1p70r. caepaecaesurae I'm sorry. palteringcecutiency ...17 w45 n07 ju57 y0u 1 w45 7h1nk1ng 0f, 8u7. Y35. 1 4m r47h3r f4m1l14r w17h h0w unpl3454n7 17 c4n 83. caepaecaesurae I regret the reminder. caepaecaesurae ... So.  About that wveather. palteringcecutiency N0 n33d 70. R3m1nd3r5 4r3 37ch3d 1n70 my h1d3, Cr0nu5. 17 15 n07 50m37h1ng 1 c4n f0rg37.

> 1gn0r3 h0w l0ng 7h47 700k 70 wr173 4nd h0w much l0ng3r 17 700k 70 p057. 3v3ry7h1ng 15 f1n3. palteringcecutiency ...1 w0uld n07 kn0w, 1'v3 833n 4v01d1ng w1nd0w5. caepaecaesurae I'm sorry to hear that. palteringcecutiency Wh1ch? caepaecaesurae Both, but the wvindowvs wvere my intent. palteringcecutiency Mm. W1nd0w5 4r3 h4rd 70 54f3gu4rd. caepaecaesurae Perhaps I am lucky that avwenue of approach does not yet occur to me. palteringcecutiency V3ry lucky. 1'v3 4lr34dy l34rn3d 83773r. palteringcecutiency 1f 1 f1nd 0u7 h0w 70 53cur3 7h3m, 1'll l37 y0u kn0w. caepaecaesurae I appreciate that.  If I can think of any wvay to provwe good intent ovwer evwen the short term, I wvill do the same. palteringcecutiency 1 w15h y0u luck. palteringcecutiency ...1 4p0l0g1z3, f0r my pry1ng 34rl13r, 45 l177l3 45 17 w45. Y0u w3r3 r1gh7, 1 h4v3 n0 8u51n355 d01ng 50, n0 m4773r h0w much 15 p41n5 m3 70 w47ch y0u 83 4n 1d107 480u7 7h15. Last Thursday at 11:08 AM caepaecaesurae .. Thank you Last Thursday at 4:43 PM caepaecaesurae Pains you? Last Thursday at 5:59 PM palteringcecutiency ...your pr1de i5 wor53 7han m1n3, wh3n 17 com35 t0 5uch m47ter5. 17 1s h0lding y0u 8ack, 4nd w47ch1ng 50meone cr1pple 7h3m5elves 0v3r 5aving f4ce 15 d1fficul7. 3sp3cially wh3n y0u know 17 will c0n71nue f0r qui7e s0me time. caepaecaesurae At least I'm better than I wvas. palteringcecutiency 1n 7h1s mat73r or 1n g3neral? caepaecaesurae Pride. palteringcecutiency Lik3 tak1ng a cup 0ut 0f th3 0cean, perhap5. caepaecaesurae I may be bailing wvith a cup, but before I bailed from the ocean.  Nowv, I bail a small lake. There wvould havwe been no speaking at all, before. To myself or others, for centuries. palteringcecutiency I cann0t 1magin3 ch0sing 7h4t for 0n353lf. Dec1ding 70 be 7hat al0ne f0r 7h3 5ake of prid3 al0ne. caepaecaesurae I wvas already that alone.  It wvas a matter of choosing not to break the lifestyle already engaged. palteringcecutiency 4nd how d1d you g3t to th3re? And th47 15 5till a d3ci510n, 0ne 1 c0uld no7 3ven r3pl1c47e on 7he 8attl35hip f0r qui73 5ome tim3. caepaecaesurae I'm fairly sure that most of the wvays I could answver that question wvould get offensivwe. caepaecaesurae I tried friendship, wvhen I wvas young, on Alternia, and it didn't tend to wvork out.  WVhen it didn't wvork on land, I tried movwing it to the sea and the navwy wvhere it wvas insisted that I belonged.  Didn't wvork out wvell there either.  I evwentually became the Orphaner, and gavwe up the vwestiges. caepaecaesurae I had passing, businesslike contact wvith those I employed.  Conflicts wvith Mindfang.  Port stays.  Little else. caepaecaesurae There is no room for the personal, in that.  I wvas inclined to believwe a man dealt wvith such things on his owvn, if at all. palteringcecutiency 50 4no7h3r decisi0n. I am un5ur3 how that i5 supp05ed 70 be 0ff3nsive, a5ide fr0m the f4c7 that 3ven 1 man4ged 70 have fri3nd5. 0r poss18ly hav1ng 7o w1tne5s such a 7h0ught pr0ce5s. 1've 7h0ught 8efor3 tha7 7he higher 4 7r0ll is, th3 m0re like a w1ggler 7hey bec0me, and my 7heory 5eems to be h0lding. caepaecaesurae I wvent for the unoffensivwely vwague route. caepaecaesurae ... I had wvhat I wvould call friends, throughout my swveeps.  I suspect you wvouldn't call them that, though.  Many lowvbloods insist on trust as a factor of friendship. palteringcecutiency 7he idea 0f me 1nsis7ing 0n any0ne tru5ting me 1s hilar10us, but I agre3, kn0wing you w1ll no7 1mmediat3ly murd3red i5 usually 4 requir3m3n7. palteringcecutiency 1mmed1at3ly b3 murd3r3d** caepaecaesurae There's more levwels to it than "Trust" or "Not Trust" though. palteringcecutiency Th3re are, y3s. I bank 0n th0se 0ften. caepaecaesurae I hope Nadaya and some of the rebels growv more comfortable wvith the shades of trust, rather than haviwng it be...  Abrupt. palteringcecutiency I can h4rdly 8lame th3m, hav1ng be3n hurt 5o much 50 of7en for 7hing5 7hey canno7 help. Tru5t is 1mportant, ev3n if you ar3 u5ed 7o l1v1ng with0ut it. palteringcecutiency 8u7 they talk t0 me, so 7hey cann07 b3 c0mpl3tely 8l1nd. caepaecaesurae I believe they enjoy you palteringcecutiency Every0ne 1s welcom3 70 the1r que57iona8le hob8ies. 8ut 7hat doe5 no7 chang3 that 1 4m r3marka8ly untru57w0rthy. caepaecaesurae You do your best. palteringcecutiency 4nd y3t peopl3 r3main 5urpris3d wh3n they 'd15cov3r' it, a5 if it h45n't b3en sitting th3re 0n a gilded pl4tter th3 entir3 7im3. caepaecaesurae I wvas disagreeing wvith you about the untrustwvorthy part. You havwe incredible moodswvings, and as soon as they are done, attempt to put them to right. palteringcecutiency Tch. 1 w4s not r3fer3ncing tha7, 8ut th3 par7 wh3re 1 /cho053/ to b3 untru57w0rthy. caepaecaesurae WVhy choose untrustwvorthiness? palteringcecutiency 83cau53 I c4nn0t hav3 80th tru5t and 4n 3ffec71v3 gu4rd, 08vi0u5ly. 0ne mu57 be op3n to 83 tru5tw0rthy f0r 4ny 5ub5tantial 4mount of 7im3, 4nd 1 hav3 no d35ir3 t0 wast3 4ll my tim3 f1nding 4 8alance. caepaecaesurae A balance is time-consuming. Useful once attained, though. palteringcecutiency P3rhaps 7heor3tically, 8ut as thing5 stand? I se3 no r3ason t0. caepaecaesurae Perhaps somenight, if it suits you then. palteringcecutiency I cann0t imag1ne wh4t c1rcum5tanc35 1 would h4ve 70 be in f0r th4t 70 happ3n her3. 4nd beyond h3re, I would hav3 no r3ason to. caepaecaesurae WVell enough. palteringcecutiency ...1'm al5o rath3r sure 1 am as 4ttached 7o it a5 you ar3 t0 pride. caepaecaesurae And so wve stand atop our parapets, and talk about the wveather, and admire the people dowvn belowv that somehowv seem to get along wvith one another. palteringcecutiency Heh. 1 w0uld contes7 that if 1 d1d n07 5pend s0 long d01ng 7h4t, and c0n71nue to d0 so. caepaecaesurae At least the vwiewv's nice, sometimes. Maybe somenight I'll learn. palteringcecutiency 5ometim3s. 7o g3t al0ng? You d0 qu173 w3ll at 7hat, 1 assur3 you. caepaecaesurae To defeat the castle Pride and livwe wvithout. palteringcecutiency 4h. Y0u c3rtainly h4ve l0ng enough 7o m4nage, 1f i7'5 po55ibl3. caepaecaesurae Time wvill tell. palteringcecutiency I would 5ay you'll h4ve 70 le7 me kn0w 8ut 1 w1ll more 7han lik3ly 83 dead 4nd g0ne. caepaecaesurae I hope to be slightly quicker about it than that. palteringcecutiency We'll ju57 hav3 to 53e then, won'7 we? caepaecaesurae Aye, that.

[lucretiapologist]

so do you see Taako coded as a POC?? just genuinely curious. honestly ive always just thought of him as white bc Justin is and i think it would be weird of him to try and play out nuances that he doesnt have any experience with? if that makes sense? like i definitely see a lot of other characters in taz as POC. like imo i can see Ango being played by a kid like Forrest Wheeler or Kraavitz in my head just looks like Chadwick Boseman 1/2

but again these characters arent like. focal? they come in as secondary characters to move the story along but we dont hear much on their background so its open for interpretation. i feel like im being scatterbrained but i hope that made sense? i am white, though, so i could be way off base here and in that case, i apologize. i dont dislike POC Taako at all- i love it-just in my head ive always pictured him white. but id really love to hear you have to say about it! 2/2

i want you to analyze why you can easily see the side characters as poc but not a main character (taako in this case) even tho both justin and griffin are white and playing Characters in the same game. just think about why that might sound a bit :/

especially considering THB’s backgrounds

trying to help your community and the people you care about, losing a loved one(s), dealing with (or neglecting to address) trauma, taking care of yourself from an early age, becoming a chef, accidentally hurting people, being a bad dad, being ashamed of past mistakes and trying to make up for them, having a crisis of faith

none of those experiences are exclusive to white characters, they can happen to anyone, so just....ruminate on that for a minute

but anyway yeah, i see taako (literally named after a mexican dish) as a brown mexican man. magnus? also a moc. merle? you guessed it, moc. as far as i’m concerned no one is white

fantasy of color is the reason the sun rises in the morning. it’s all i want forever and ever, until the end of time, to infinity and beyond times ten (x10) the end

[opepin]

february: week one

jan30: i was so sleep-deprived. i only had 5 hours of sleep and i dozed off twice today. it was a really slow morning, but i got to meet another new hire! he now sits next to me at the developer table -- he took dave’s spot so that they could be together. i miss looking over to see what dave is up to but now we don’t get that annoying echo when we’re on the same calls haha. cole is super nice and talkative and i love talking to him! i got to know the dev team a bit more too because they were interacting with both me and him. anyway, i listened in on a call and then worked on finishing up my project. i ate lunch while listening to the ridiculous news on trump and what he’s been doing. idk man, idk. then i went back to work and it got pretty busy. it’s always nice catching up with phil because i know he’ll think of things for me to do. i also set up imessage and troubleshooted my devices to see if everything is connected properly. so i spent the morning messaging kevin as well.

cole and john devised a plan to see if cole could just take the sim card out of his at&t work phone and put it in his android. i would like that too but i think it’s too late for me because i chose verizon. we’ll see what happens! i went down with dave and cole and then walked to south station to get back home. kevin got home early because fitbit had a meeting about their cutbacks. kevin is thankfully not laid off. i’m so grateful. i talked with my mom on the phone for a bit and then watched some youtube videos while kevin prepped lunch for tomorrow. while the meat marinaded, we watched supernatural and ate leftover noodles for dinner. i ended up falling asleep after while kevin cooked all the parts for onigirazu. i got up, paid bills for my mom and did some money management. then i helped him assemble some for lunch. they’re so nice looking! hehe. then he washed some dishes while i exercised and then i washed the rest of the dishes, showered, and went to sleep before 1 am. i was so tired. i’m happy i got in about 45 minutes of exercise at least.

jan31: lol i accidentally deleted my previous tumblr post that i wrote yesterday :( i am poo. anyway, i got a good amount of sleep. i woke up before my alarm though? i guess 6-7 hours is a good amount of sleep for me. i got on the train at 8:30 am but i got to work at like 9:20 am because my train was delayed. charles was in front of me and rushing to work and when we reached the elevators, we met up with dave, john, and cole as well. everyone was late today lol. i got myself ready with tea and then started my day. it was a pretty busy morning. i had two meetings and one of them was an t7 bi-weekly meet up with everyone. i introduced myself and i got a few linkedin requests and skype contact requests after. it was nice. before that, i caught up with phil and continued working on templates in ux360. during the meeting, the hoodlum dev team switched desks inside the office for john LOL. it was ridiculous. john’s old table is now behind me and it is wrecked. x__x; the dev team is so funny. i got to talk a bit with kien in the morning and learn more about him. what a cool guy.

i had some technical difficulties with skype after the meeting so i rq’d and then walked over to south station to meet up with saad and vivian to give vivian her night guard that she left at my apartment. it was nice seeing saad again too! we’ve seen each other so much and we’ll all see each other again in april! i’m so excited. saad was about to get a burrito from a terrible booth in south station but i saved both of them and led them to the food trucks outside. i left them after vivian got her food because i had a meeting at 1:30 pm. i made it just in time and ate my lunch during the meeting. then i went back to work and was really into it until the end of the day. i talked to charles for a bit on skype (oh, i kind of fixed my skype problem) and talked to cole for a bit as well. i walked to the train station with cole and then went home to kevin (: he worked from home today and got me rose milk tea from oh my tea~ hehe he’s the best. <3 i talked to vivian on the phone for a bit right after i got home. i love my lo gong too <3

he cooked dinner and then we watched supernatural. he assembled more onigirazu during the second episode that we watched. then he washed dishes and went to game while i organized my internet stuffs. then i exercised, showered, and hit the hay. oh, btw my tumblr is now reactivated! they didn’t tell me why it was deactivated? but they apologized and gave it back? idk haha. it’s been a long two weeks without tumblr. good thing i kept writing these in a draft in gmail ahha.

01: oh hum...i got to work on time and only four of us were in the office today. it was a nice and quiet day. i got to talk with a client today and they saw the templates that phil and i worked on for them (: woot. that felt good. they were really impressed with how we did it and how it looked. i booked a couple’s massage appointment at chinatown pain relief during lunch so i hope that works out! i’m excited for our next trip. phil is a great supervisor because he keeps giving me things to do. it never stops and i don’t want it to haha. i did get off a bit early today because i want things to do tomorrow morning and phil wasn’t able to get back to me until after 5 pm (the end of my work day). the train was not as packed as it is at 5:30 pm. it was nice getting back early and opening my package from uniqlo! i skyped with vivian for a bit to show her my haul and i think she may be ordering from there too now hahaha. i got 3 button up “flannel” shirts and a nice fine wool sweater. hehe.

then i caught up on some errands while watching youtube videos. i finally got to edit vivian and my couple’s yoga video and also edit my favorite picture from our “post-workout photoshoot.” LOL. kevin came back from climbing a lot later than i thought he would and we had a miscommunication about cooking dinner and whatnot so then after uploading the video on to facebook, i cut up our mustard greens, kevin microwaved the leftovers, and we ate while watching supernatural. then i made my lunch (more onigirazu) while watching whatever was left of the episode. we had an argument about just time management and i feel like kevin doesn’t really understand how his schedule affects mine and that if he comes home late, then i’m thrown off as well. i guess i won’t be eating dinner with him (less time with him) when he goes climbing so there’s that. idk. i exercised and then showered and went to sleep. i couldn’t wash my hair like i initially wanted to because of my backed up schedule so i guess i hope my hair isn’t super grody tomorrow. it’ll be the 4th night of not washing it and only using dry shampoo. yay -__-” i still need to set up my 401k stuff too. ugh. so much for coming home early and relaxing.

02: lol i stayed in bed 10 minutes longer than i was supposed to. so i rushed a bit to get out of the house on time. i made it before 9:15 am so it’s cool. :) i had a lot of meetings today so it was a very scatterbrained day? all the dev people were here today so it was a party. it’s so quiet without them. i got to talk a lot more to stephen and cole today. they’re such nice and funny guys. i took a late lunch in order to get the most out of the meetings i had and then i went straight into working on our master template and it took the entire day. i still have a good amount of things to work on for that. phil taught me how to bill hours today so that’s good. i’m gonna hate allocating hours to projects though because there are a lot of terms and things i need to learn for that (like what should i bill to). stephen told us about kane’s donuts, which is apparently right across the street from us :O so then dave, cole, and i walked over after work and then we saw that it was closed so we’ll try again in the morning maybe sometime next week. i think it’ll be a cute valentine’s day treat for the office (: i really want to do something for everyone.

so kevin is mad at me but i met up with him at the train. i actually had a very nice walk and talk to the train with cole. he’ll be my train buddy probs for now. his dev life is way different from mine. all the dev team gets to work from home on wednesdays and fridays T_T much jelly ahha. anyway, kevin didn’t notice or didn’t care that i didn’t have anything to hold on to. so i got reaaaal pissed because even if he is mad, that’s not the right way to treat anyone! so when we got home, i just got out of there, got the mail, and headed to the tech room. i talked with vivian about it lol and i calmed down while doing productive things on my laptop. hehe lo gong is the best haha. she knows what i’m thinking :P

i got back, watched youtube videos, and then kevin told me dinner was ready so we ate together while watching supernatural. he calmed down quite a bit and after the episode, we talked and decided on a schedule for when he’s out climbing. then we spent time with each other and i told him more stuff about my job and etc. then i exercised, washed my hair (finally), and then headed to sleep. today felt like a friday but it’s only actually a thursday.

03: it was just gonna be me and jim at the office today LOL. dave wasn’t feeling well and he worked from home. i stopped by kane’s donuts in the morning to try them out and i got a honey dipped donut and a kronut filled with caramel. they’re pretty pricey: $3-4 each. they were worth it though. the honey dipped one is super soft T^T the kronut would have tasted better without the filling. i took pictures and sent them to cole to mock him and his dev days off. LOL. then i got to work. i had the room all to myself because jim has his own office. i was heads down on creating templates and then working on a client project. i did manage to watch the most recent episode of jane the virgin while working. beth came in today and we got to meet her in person. she’s our IT person and she’s super cute! she told me that dave usually works from home, which is odd because he’s been in the office almost every day ever since i got here. hmmm. maybe there’s still a possibility for wfh at least once a week? i do enjoy working in the office space though. i feel like fridays would be a good day to wfh. anyway, i got what i needed to do to get done. phil and i troubleshooted some things and then i met kevin at south station. he again had to rush for the train but they were pretty empty today. we actually got to sit down and talk.

we ate the rest of the donuts (i only ate about half of each) while watching supernatural and then we ordered food from this japanese restaurant called sake. i got a long snake maki and a sunshine roll, which i will never get again. they didn’t have anything crunchy in them and that made me sad. kevin got a crunchy roll, which was the cheapest and best tasting out of all three of them. we watched more supernatural and then kevin went to game and i tried figuring out how to sign back into my adp account and i gave up. i’ll call customer service. i want to change the amount i contribute T^T then i followed a 50-minute zumba video, which wasn’t actually 50 minutes because he recorded breaks and also, two of his songs were muted...sigh. so then i did some hip hop cardio and finished up with a dance cardio video from popsugar. then i showered and drank tea and went to sleep at around 2 am. zzzzz. it’s the weekend! 

04: we woke up at 12 pm and kevin made us dumplings with egg mcmuffins (: then i updated my website with resume and cv information and kevin gamed for a bit. then we drove to the mfa for their lunar new year free admission day! lol i got irritated because kevin always does the opposite thing of what i tell him to do (i told him to park outside of the museum and he parked in the garage). it was the same price but grrr lol. we got in fairly quickly, looked at asian art, went into the gift shop and bought old fashioned lemon drops and two framed prints for the apartment. one of them was a monet and the other was a still life of food. :P then we walked through european art and american art until we hit the oak rooms and i was in love! they are life-sized thorne rooms basically T_T <3 we headed back to the gift shop and didn’t get anything. we saw this colorstrology book and i bought that on amazon after our trip. i wanted kevin to take a full body pic of me so we found this amazing plate installation and then i got irritated again because kevin is just really bad at it. i thought he would be better because of practice in the orchard but eh. it’s okay -- he’s just not the type of person to take touristy pictures anywhere. he said that he’d practice though LOL.

we drove back and then ate leftovers as our “snack.” kevin decided not to go climbing; there was a car accident so traffic was backed up. so we made oyakodon together! it was fun :3 we ate dinner while watching supernatural and then he went to game and i cleaned up and started working out. i did a popsugar 45 min 500 calorie burn routine. it was alright? not sure it burned 500 calories but it was fun and i saved it. then kevin went to climb and i just chilled and relaxed and took a nice long shower haha. i cleaned the kitchen and then kevin got back and showered. i got really sleepy at like 12:30 am so i got into bed and eventually slept at 1 or 1:30 am after doing some online window shopping.

05: i got up at 10 am when my alarm rang :O i felt awake and pretty congested. i felt a bit sick or i was experiencing seasonal allergies or something. x__x; i left kevin in the bed LOL and i ate cereal. then i woke him up and i cleaned the bathroom while he made us pancakes :3 i also vacuumed the bathroom so he would have a bit less house work to do because he was still cooking. we ate the pancakes and then he did his chores. i started the laundry, watched some youtube videos and ordered some bombas socks online! kevin gamed for a bit and then we planned our meals for the week and after i folded the laundry, and put the sheets in the dryer, we headed out to do some grocery shopping. we went to kam man and then tried getting bubble tea but oh my tea was closed T__T it’s closed until wednesday!!! it was heart breaking.

then we hit up bj’s and got bulk items and some bomb af snyder’s honey mustard and onion pretzel bites T^T omg those are my favorite savory snack. they’re sooo bad for you though. we snacked on them all the way back home. then we put away the groceries and kevin prepped the bulgogi. then i microwaved oyakodon for dinner. we watched supernatural and then kevin showered, i prepped all the veggies and the egg. then kevin cooked the meat and we moved all the ingredients to the table and assembled kimbap while watching more supernatural. mine are so ugly now compared to his. why?! ahha. we packed our lunches, cleaned up, and i exercised for a bit to try and beat this sickness out of me. i took an allegra earlier and it didn’t help. exercising helped me breathe through both of my nostrils but the hot shower didn’t do anything. i hopped into bed at 12 am and fell asleep at around 12:40 am...