#i am babysitting my 28 year old brother who is horrible at working a full time job + remembering to clean his house

[bearseungmin]

hope you’re having a good day too!!🥺❤️

this is what i mean by delayed and terrible at responding but HAVE ANOTHER GOOD DAY LOVE

[to-infinity-and-abroad-blog]

God’s Delays Are Not His Denials

I’ve been posting on Facebook and Instagram a lot about being authentic. Yes, we want to post filtered, edited images of ourselves and paint our lives to be perfect, but we must also understand that we are not like that all the time. So here’s some authentic Emily for you on this Friday night.

I hope that as I unload a small piece of this heavy emotional baggage into a blog, someone out there will relate to it, feel not-so-alone, and find some strength from it.

So (as you can read in the post before this one) I used to have an awesome brother named Josh. He walked out of our lives over 5 years ago, and now lives in the next town over with his wife and 2 sons. When Josh and Lexi first announced their pregnancy with Ethan, I was over-the-moon excited to be Aunt Milly (which I had chosen as a way to shorten my name without being Auntie Em. Which is the worst thing you can call an Aunt whose name is also Emily). Over the last 5 years, I have had to adjust to the fact that I am an aunt without any nieces or nephews to love on, and it’s been a very hard journey. A long, hard journey that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. 

I have had to rely heavily on God to keep all my crumbling bits held together at times, and I’ve prayed for reconciliation more times than I can possibly remember. I invited him to my wedding, which he did not come to, nor was I well received when I went to deliver his invitation- in person. Since then, God has continued to restore my heart, my faith in people, and my joy. I’ve downloaded songs that Josh used to love so that when I miss him, I have a few happy memories I can revisit. I’ve driven by old hangouts and just sat in the parking lot and thought about all the silly things he used to do that would make me laugh, and prayed that he was still doing those things so that his boys could love him for all the good parts of him too. But, there has been no reconciliation. 

I’ve continued to ask God, “Why? Why did you let this horrible thing happen? Why did you take my brother out of my life? What am I supposed to be learning? And when I learn it, will we go back to being friends again? What is your plan?” God has remained quite silent. I have lived 5 years with no clear answers from God as to His plan. But I hold fast to the fact that He will answer some day.

Jeremiah 33:3 says “Call to me and I will tell you great and unsearchable things that you do not know.”

I wonder if that will just be a question He answers once we get up to those streets of gold. In the meantime, my heart lives in a constant ocean of emotion- waves of joy and sadness rolling in and out, and sometimes storming together.

For all of that, God has continued to remind me that His mercies are new each morning, and that He gives grace upon grace upon grace upon grace upon grace. Today, I got to experience his grace again, and it has overwhelmed my heart with such joy that I cannot contain it, and I have to write it out. 

Last week, my brother-in-law and his wife asked me to babysit their 4-month-old baby Harper Joy for a few hours so that mommy could recharge her batteries. I was so excited, and felt so honored to be asked. For the last 5 years, my heart has longed to be Aunt Milly, and now, with Harper, I finally get that chance. I finally get to love on a little baby and watch them grow up and be the “cool aunt” to a little one who will never know life without me. 

Today, as I held this precious babe in my arms, I felt God tell me that it was okay to feel joy in this moment. He gave me permission to be happy that this little babe is part of my life. I don’t need to live in sadness for what isn’t happening with Josh, but rather, God’s mercies are new. 

Isaiah 43:19 says “See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”

That’s what Harper is to me, she is God’s new thing, His provision for my heart in the wasteland that I have been wandering for 5 years. My heart is ineffably full of joy for the opportunity just to hold her. Isaac and Melissa (Harper’s mom and dad) were extremely thankful for me coming over to watch her, but they will never fully understand what a blessing they have given me today. 

Isn’t it just amazing how God orchestrates things in this way? This new family needed the blessing of free childcare this afternoon, and I needed the blessing of babysitting my very own niece. 

Romans 8:28 says “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

I drove home from their house, singing Chris Rice’s Questions for Heaven, and crying tears of joy most of the way. You should definitely listen to it if you’re saving up questions for God to answer (like me).

God has been with me since the beginning, and He has continued to reveal Himself to me in both big and small ways since November 2012, yet I never cease to be amazed. I never cease to fall right back into an awesome state of worship for the loving Creator who knows our hearts intimately and who fills us with only the joy He can provide. His love is sovereign, unchanging, and infinite. God is love, and we are so lucky to have the opportunity to commune with Him. 

Even if the circumstances you are in today aren’t what you thought they would be, even if you are sitting in silence with God, waiting and hoping for answers, and sending up way more questions than any sane person would, be patient, keep praying, and keep the faith. Know that He is listening, He is working on your behalf, and He loves you. 

Oh, and here’s a picture of me and my perfect little niece on our afternoon walk where she fell asleep. Oh my heart.