#i am bringing this quote back from the dead because remember how good it is?

[nicholasbritel]

-”Orestes”, Euripides

[cryptidghostgirl]

Hello hi- back to my shenanigans again (the one with the fake dating + lobby portal + frozen half the pentagram surely not an OC ahahah anonymous asker) - anyway- heres some MORE angst.

Reader's past lover- died waaay before reader back in their teens because readers mother found out about their not so heterosexual relationship and decided to shoot them both but only killed one- reader escaping and killing her mom in return (let’s name her Charlotte- with mane wolf features- so wolf+fox+deer features a combination! ) and barely moved on after meeting Alastor like years later, yet still haunted by Charlottes dead eyes reader saw when she woke up from some sleepy poison. Now Charlotte is in heaven and reader in hell alongside their radio-lover lover!

Yet somehow- maybe though a very uncanonical accurate meeting where angels go down to see the new hotel after hearing sinners can get redeemed Charlotte (not to be confused with Charlie) is one of said angels and suddenly all those waves of emotions come rushing back and reader can do nothing but stare.

but oh wait! Angels/Winner dont remember their past life so reader goes to her- and shes just “Oh hello! Whats your name? :3” (shes an angel and loves the stars and plants and everything nice can do no wrong) “I-… I guess you dont know me in this lifetime” (AND DOESNT TELL HER THEYVE MET BEFORE because what good would that bring?)

But alastor is also there lurking in the back. watching them- he knew someone was in readers life before him but reader never said more than that. Will readers feelings for Charlotte come back? Will reader stay to the infatuation of murderous acts that Alastor bought them? Will reader choose the pure love that might not spring again?

The infamous blizzard demon overlord! that never dropped their mask around others that always seemed to have the upper hand in any situation, the cold- charismatic- brutal and ruthless overlord- suddenly speechless at the reappearance of someone they used to know. How will everyone react?! “Sweet as a pea, but sharp as a knife- now shocked like the stars have fallen”

GAAAH MY BRAIN IS TOO BIG ANF FULL OF ANGST!!!!! Heres some kisses too: maybe next fic its me x you pookie 😘😘🥰🥰😘😘😘😘

A/N What a wild way to close off a request, I honestly got so much respect for that. I don't do OCs but for the sign off comment, I'll make an exception. Also I am assuming you want this as a part two to Frostbite because she's still a blizzard demon?? Apologies in advance if I got that wrong. Also,, not you quoting something else I've written in your request. That's crazy, thank you so much for the love.

Day Lilies (Alastor x Blizzard demon!Reader x Angel!OC)

Pairing: Alastor x Reader

Part One: Frostbite (Alastor x Reader)

Warnings: Homophobia (from other people and internalized) and murder. Smoking/cigarettes and angst. Always angst. I think that is it, please correct me if I am wrong.

Word Count: 2,969

Master Lists:

Master Lists 

Hazbin Hotel Master List 

Alastor Master List

Click here and leave a comment if you want to be added to any taglists or send me an ask about it.

The best thing about the Hazbin Hotel, according to some, was the fact that not one but two overlords who had found a home there. The Radio Demon and the Frost. Feared, revered, respected, and making an appearance for the first time in seven long years.

Without Alastor and Y/n's help, Charlie would not have been able to achieve all she had and she was eternally grateful to the pair, even if they were a tad confrontational and violent at times. Deeply in love, indebted to one another in a billion and five different ways, Alastor and Y/n had worked hard for their life in the underworld. As the angel stepped gently out of the portal, following her superior, Y/n felt the pressure of that life as it began to crash down around her.

When Charlie had struck the deal with Heaven to have an angel come down to the hotel to track its progress and assess if any of its inhabitants were worthy of redemption, Y/n had thought nothing of it. Sure, it was a bit irritating but if anything, the deal seemed ripe for entertainment and thats really all she and Alastor were after at the end of the day. She had figured the angel would be some low ranking nobody. She had thought it would be amusing, that they would torture the poor creature, that things would stay roughly the same. Never in her wildest dreams had the notion ever crossed Y/n's mind that the angel might be Charlotte.

Of course, Y/n had known Charlotte must be in Heaven. The girl had always been so kind, so good to her very core. It had just all seemed so far away and now, somehow, there she was, peeking timidly out from behind the seraphim's back.

Charlotte looked different, having taken on some animalistic, wolfish features since her death. Sharp ears sprouted from the untamed mess of her hair, fangs peeked their way out from the corners of her lips but Y/n was sure. It was Charlotte. It was all in the eyes.

"Welcome, Sera." Charlie politely began, taking a step forward.

Normally, such a show of self restraint from the young demon princess would have caused curiosity to spark a fire in Y/n's chest. Now, she just stood beside Angel as Charlie had requested, eyes wide and mind reeling.

"Is this who we will be working with?"

Sera looked at the shy wolf of a girl behind her and nodded her head, gesturing for the girl to step forward.

"Yes." she replied, her voice cold and haughty, "This is Charlotte, she has been with us for a while and we trust her judgment on matters such as this."

"Oh how funny!" Charlie brightly exclaimed, "My full name is Charlotte too but, I go by Charlie. Do you have a nickname you'd prefer?"

"Just Charlotte is fine." the angel softly replied and Y/n's breath caught in her throat.

The girls voice was honeysuckle, it was sticky sweet teen love.

"Why her?" Husk asked and Charlie shot him a glare, "She just seems a little..."

Sera laughed lightly, a caring smile sneaking on to her face.

"She's a little shy, but she is smart. Even when she was alive, she had an ability to read people, to see right through to the essence of their beings."

Charlotte blushed slightly at the compliment, turning away.

The southern sun beat down over head, long grass whipping at their legs as Charlotte, running, dragged Y/n to the center of the field.

"Lottie!" Y/n exclaimed, half laughing, "Where on earth are you taking me?"

Charlotte glanced back at her companion, a mischievous smirk painting her lips that sent bolts of red hot fire through to Y/n's fingertips.

"You'll see."

After a few more paces, they came to a panting halt. Charlotte turned to Y/n, placing a hand gently over the other girl's eyes. With a guiding hand, she lead the blinded girl to a spot a little ways off where she had snuck off to earlier and set up a picnic. There was fresh fruit, Georgia peaches from her family's own orchard, and home made lemonade. Slowly, Charlotte gifted Y/n with sight.

Y/n's mouth fell slightly open as she surveyed the scene before her. Sixteen and in love, she turned to Charlotte, taking both the girl's hands in her own.

"When... how..."

"I know things have been rough at home lately. I wanted to do something to make you smile."

"How did you know? I never..." Y/n cleared her throat, "I never said anything... I nev-"

"You didn't have to. I know you, love. You never have to say a word."

Alastor watched his lover silently from the other side of the group. Charlie had insisted they flank the guests, dragging Y/n away from his side just as the portal had opened. She didn't show it, not obviously, but he knew something was wrong. From the second the portal had opened and the angels had stepped through, she had gone tense, her eyes fixed on the one called Charlotte, the tips of her frostbite blackened fingers tapped against one another in wild thought.

"Well," Sera sighed, looking around at the ragtag group of sinners and demons, "I had best be on my way. I will be back in a few days to pick Charlotte up, please be kind to her over the course of her stay."

With those parting words and a reassuring pat on the angel's shoulder, Sera stepped back through the portal which closed behind her.

"Well," Charlie began brightly, clapping her hands together, "let's do introductions! I am Charlie Morningstar and I run the Hazbin Hotel with my girlfriend, Vaggie."

Vaggie sent Charlotte a wave which she timidly returned. With a deep breath, Charlotte stepped towards the line of sinners before her.

"Alastor." Alastor hummed, grabbing Charlottes hand and shaking it harshly, "A pleasure to be meeting you my dear, quite the pleasure."

It struck Charlie as a bit odd he said and did nothing else but, she made no mention of it. In her mind, Alastor was simply on his best behavior as requested. In reality, he was far too focused on the way a slight flurry of snow had begun to settle on Y/n's sharp shoulders.

"Nice to meet you too." Charlotte replied, extracting her hand from his grip and moving down the line.

Y/n's heart pounded wildly against her chest as Charlotte grew closer. Her tail twitched behind her, flicking back and forth gently, and her breaths grew slightly heavy. Although he noticed the odd behavior, it was impossible not to from his place beside her, Angel said nothing. At long last, Charlotte came to a stop before her.

"Disgusting!" Y/n's mother's voice rang out through the yard, "You are both complete and utter disgraces!"

They hadn't meant to be found out. As far as Y/n's mother had known, Y/n and Charlotte were best friends. Charlotte had come over to help Y/n with her chores, they had been doing laundry out in the yard when Charlotte had playfully flicked water towards her beloved. One thing had lead to another and before long, they had been wrapped up in one another, planting a singular, soft kiss on each other's lips. Y/n felt Charlotte's hand tighten around her own, she took a step forward.

"Don't you dare speak to her that way!" Y/n yelled back, anger burning brightly in her eyes and adrenaline shaking her limbs with wild courage, "Don't you dare!"

Her mother scoffed, crossing her arms over her chest.

"She is a bad influence on you! The devil sent to curse me!"

Y/n's mother stepped forward, grabbing Y/n and wrenching her from Charlotte's grip. Charlotte tugged at Y/n's mother's dress as she dragged her girlfriend harshly into the small house.

"Let her go!" Charlotte cried, "Stop it! We weren't doing anything wrong!"

With a harsh slap to her face, Charlotte was sent to the ground. Her mother threw Y/n through the door, the unfinished wood of the floor sending splinters deep into Y/n's knees as she struggled to get to her feet. Her head had hit the corner of the table in her fall, the world was spinning. Y/n's mother grabbed the shot gun from where it lay beside the door. Just as Y/n managed to stumble to her feet, holding her swaying body up with a hand on the table she had hit, her mother stepped outside and slammed the door behind her, locking it.

Y/n rushed over, trying desperately to wrench it open to no avail. The anger had turned to panic as she heard her mother cock the gun.

"What are you doing!" she heard Charlotte yell and Y/n rushed to the window.

From her vantage point, Y/n watched her mother train the gun on Charlotte who had her hands raised and was stumbling backwards.

"Run!" she yelled, banging her fists on the glass, "Lottie, run!"

"Please." Charlotte was pleading, tears wetting her cheeks, "I promise I wont ever come here again, I wont ever come near her again. Please!"

"Lottie!" Y/n yelled again.

With no regard for her own safety, Y/n punched the glass of the window. The pane shattered around her hand, puncturing her soft skin. Blood, hot and wet, ran down her arm as she pulled her hand back to her side.

"Yeah, you sure as hell wont!" Y/n's mother yelled, her voice thick and low with rage, "You'll be dead!"

Y/n flung her leg over the window sill, shards of glass digging into her as she pulled herself through the hole she had created.

"Lottie!" she yelled again, "Run!"

Her screams were drowned out by the sound of a gunshot. Charlotte held her hands to her stomach, blood pouring from between her fingers. Their eyes met.

"Lottie!"

"And you are?" Charlotte asked expectently.

Y/n shook her head slightly, pulling herself from the depths of her memories. Everyone was staring at her, she had no idea how long the angel had been standing before her. She cleared her throat.

Alastor didn't know what was going on but, whatever it was, he knew he didn't like it. Using his shadows, he appeared behind Y/n and placed a protective hand on the top of her head between her horns. Her hair was damp from freshly fallen snow and Charlotte gasped slightly in surprise at his appearance.

"My dear," he grinned, leaning down to Y/n's ear, "you're snowing."

"I..."

Y/n looked up, her cheeks flushing pink and the heart on the tip of her tail puffing up as she realized what he said.

"O-oh." she stuttered, brushing his hand from her head and the snow from her shoulders as she regained control of her powers again, "I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me."

The other members of the hotel watched in a mixture of shock and confusion. They had always known Y/n to be cold, to be harsh. They had always seen her devotion to the man behind her as infallible. No one had any idea what was going on but, the presence of the angel stopped them all in their tracks.

"It's quite all right, what's your name?" Charlotte asked again, her voice honey sweet.

Y/n took a deep breath, morphing her features into the closest thing to a kind smile she could muster.

"Y/n." she firmly replied, "I'm Y/n."

Her eyes scanned Charlotte's face intently as their hands made contact. She waited for the shock of recognition, for the tears her Lottie had always been so prone to. There was nothing.

"That's a very pretty name." Charlotte replied, "It sounds like it is from the same era as mine."

That raised some small hope in Y/n's chest. She took a step forward, bringing herself closer to the angel.

"Which is?"

"Oh, I don't know." Charlotte replied, her cheeks flushing pink with embarrassment, "Angels don't get to remember their lives on earth unless they are pretty high in the ranks. I've been told I was from Georgia though, that I died in the early 1900s."

Y/n froze, her breath trapped in her chest, a knife buried deep within her heart.

"Oh." she mumbled out in a broken whisper, "I guess you... you don't know me in this lifetime."

"What was that?" Charlotte asked, leaning in a bit.

Y/n shook her head, letting go of Charlotte's hand.

"Nothing. I... I need some fresh air, I think. If you would all excuse me."

It didn't take Alastor long to find Y/n once Charlie had let him return to his duties in favor of showing Charlotte around the hotel. She stood out in back of the hotel, her back pressed firmly against the wall and a cigarette crushed between her fingers. Shakily, she took a drag.

"What was that about?" Alastor asked, leaning up against the wall beside her and folding his arms across his chest.

"What was what about." Y/n cooly replied.

"Y/n, don't play dumb."

"I knew her back when we were alive, thats all."

"Is that all?" Alastor asked after a moment, "You seemed..."

He trailed off. Alastor was angry. He had always been the jealous type, protective to a fault. He could see how shaken up Y/n was however and so, running a finger over the ring he wore, Alastor took a deep breath.

"That angel, Charlotte..." her name lingered poisonously on his tongue, "it seemed there was something a lot more than just you knowing her."

"I picked these for you." Y/n bashfully stated, shoving a bouquet tied with a rough bit of twine towards the pretty girl beside her, "Here."

Tentatively, Charlotte took the bouquet from Y/n's hand. She held it gently, watching the way the breeze played with the petals.

"Georgia asters?" Charlotte hummed thoughtfully, "And yarrow?"

"My momma didn't used to be poor. She grew up in a rich family, gave it up when she married my dad. Her momma taught her floriography." Y/n's words came out in a big rush, they chased after one another in a breathless flurry of nerves, "It was big in the victorian era for fancy people, all about talking through flowers. She taught me asters symbolized wisdom, faith, and valor and that yarrow was for healing and... and love... besides, I know you like them. You're always staring at them when were out."

Charlotte looked over at Y/n who's cheeks were bright red. She smiled, her eyes shining.

"I love you too." she said, nudging Y/n gently with her elbow.

"Yeah, but..." Y/n sighed, running a hand through her messy hair, "I... god, Lottie! I don't just love you like a sister. Its... I understand if you don't wanna talk to me anymore I just couldn't... I couldn't keep it in anymore."

Y/n looked away, tears pressing hotly at the backs of her eyes. Charlotte's eyes went wide.

"I understand... I won't be mad... I just... I'll leave."

Charlotte's hand shot out, grabbing Y/n's wrist as she pushed herself from the fence they were leaning against. Slowly, Y/n turned to face her. Charlotte was blushing now too and looked away, still holding Y/n tightly.

"I don't..." she took a deep breath, "I don't love you like a sister either."

"It's wrong... it's so wrong... what would my mother say... what would your mother say, I-"

Charlotte cut Y/n off, standing on her toes to press a soft kiss to the slightly taller girl's lips. It was clumsy and foreign. Y/n trembled, her eyes fluttered shut.

"I don't care." Charlotte said, "I don't care."

"Yeah." Y/n sighed, taking a final drag from her cigarette before stamping it out beneath her heel, "Yeah."

"Do I have anything to worry about?" Alastor asked and Y/n's eyes met his.

He had known her long enough, he could see the conflict.

"She was my first love, Al." Y/n admitted, "We were girls together."

"You're my wife."

"It's different."

"Do I have anything to worry about?" Alastor asked again and Y/n looked back out at the sky.

"She doesn't remember me."

"But you remember her."

"But I remember her." Y/n confirmed, her voice cracking, "I couldn't forget if I tried. She haunts me, Al. She has always haunted me, since long before I even met you. Lottie died in my arms, Al. My mother killed her, shot her right in the stomach. I...."

Y/n trailed off into silence. It was more about her life before she had met him than she had ever revealed before. Alastor took a deep breath, conflicting emotions battling behind his eyes.

"What are you thinking about?"

He was trying to keep his cool, to save face. He was failing, anger and a secret fear ate away at the edges of his words.

"Day lilies."

"Day lilies?" Alastor repeated and Y/n nodded, meeting his eyes once again.

"A floriography thing again?"

Alastor knew of Y/n's interest in the symbolic properties of plants. It was one of the only things she ever spoke about concerning her mother and her shadowed past before that night in Mimzy's bar.

"Yes."

"What do they mean?" Alastor sighed, resigning himself to his fate because god, if Alastor knew anything he knew his fate was Y/n. She held his heart in the palms of her hands.

"Love for lovers. Love for mothers..."

"And?"

His heart pounded against his chest.

"And loss of memory."

----

TAGS:

the ones in red are ones I am not sure worked/having trouble linking.

@willowshadenox @i-love-jafar @elfyeet @reader3 @lazygirlfanfic0-0@kahlan170@wendyphan01203-blog @fairyv-ice @clarakainda @lunaramune @mcueveryday @luxky-aish @peterpankat @corvid007

[qtubbo-is-not-fine]

Okay, it's so so bad, but that's fine. This was inspired by Soul Eater's Morality Manipulation Machine, Tubbo's black suit and message on twitter, this fic has both fed!tubbo and poly morning crew, and mood of this work jump from angst to flirting very quickly, probably very ooc. Enjoy<3

---------------------------------------------------

«Was it freeing, what federation did to you?»

This is what made Tubbo finally stop in his tracks, he looked like absolutely startled, the smile froze on his face.

After a second, he regained his composure, turned to Pac and said,

«You very smart Pactw, one could say too smart for your own good»

«Answer the question, Tubbo, please»

He quieted down, then,

«Yes» second passes.

«No» another second.

«Both»

Finally, Pac thinks, this is a progress. Because since when Tubbo was revived by federation, he wasn't himself, he was so so wrong. In fancy black suit, with neutral smile and cold calculating eyes, he was now working on the create mechanisms for both feds and Islanders, charging for it a small fortune. The Town of Fobo was now heavily protected, access to his farms was limited, with him asking too much money for a single use of them. All attempts at stealing from him and pranks were were repaired with extreme retaliation, with him stealing an entire storages of items, making such severe lag machines, that some people were feeling it days after, and killing, then bleeding poor soul for all their money in return for lost items.

He stopped to invite others to the quests, and refused all requests for when others invited him. Pac was wondering, were feds supplying him with cookies, that he was not allowed to to do group stuff in fear of loosing their control over him.

«Are you thinking that you could do happy pills again and make me normal? You really want to be martyr so badly?»

«Is this like happy pills?» «No, it's…. Fine, if you really want to know, I guess I can tell you, for a price, of course»

«How much?» «A five thousand coins»

«Deal»

«Wow, you really desperate for information, didn't even bargain with me»

«You are worth it»

Tubbo leans back in his chair, his eyes is for a moment become glazed. He then begins to talk, his voice monotone.

«I wake up in feds facility, Sunny was there, crying. They told me "we revive you", "you were dead for that long", "your job request was reviewed and approved", blah blah blah, "would you like to see one recording, please". I say yes, and… it was recording of Valentine's Day….»

«I'm dead, Sunny is in shock, and all that they do is laugh at that, and celebrate like nothing happened… They couldn't even comfort my daughter, Pac. And then Sunny begins to tell me everything…»

His voice starting to become harsh.

«You know the feeling when you overwhelmed and upset and suffering so much, you can't even cry? What am I saying, of course you do» his eyes flashed bright green for a second, «Then they said:

«Would you like to be happy again?»

There it is, Pac thinks, the information that could help bring Tubbo back.

«I said "I don't want your drugs", they said "it's not drugs, it's something better", a prototype machine, something something your emotional connections, something something empathy manipulation, I don't remember it very well»

«Did you accepted it on your own? Or did feds forced you to?»

Tubbo doesn't answer, just looks at him with unreadable expression.

«Anyway, I pleaded them to let me care for Sunny and they allowed it. I sit in this machine and….»

His face neutral, but voice starts to tremble.

«It was pure hell, like every fiber of my being was on fire. It's actually funny, after that, they told me it was so painful because I was filled to the brim with kindness. Maybe they were messing with me»

«And then suddenly, it's stopped. The pain. I felt myself so much lighter, like a big weight was lifted from my shoulders. And.. That's it, Pac. I don't think you could "fix it", he makes air quotes, even if you all try»

Pac thinks and then opens his mouth.

«Does that mean you can't make emotional connections anymore?»

«I don't know and don't care, if I'm being honest»

They sit in silence a little and Pac decided to take his chance.

«Would you like to find out?» Pac says and smiles, leaning closer to Tubbo. He's immediately becomes red in the face.

«I, wha- how- Pac, you are joking, right, are you that stupid, or insane, or, or-

«Is that a no?» Pac teasing him, taking his hand and kissing the back of his hand.

«I- Pac y-you have a boyfriend, wha- if he knows, he will just kill me-

«Who's saying he can't join us. We both were devastated when you were gone, and now when we have this second chance, we ready to work on this relationship, even if we need to do it from the start again»

Tubbo stumble over his words and covered his red as tomato face with his hands. He sits like that for several minutes.

Finally, Tubbo laughs and removes his hands from his face, «You are absolutely batshit insane Pac, with no sense of self preservation for yourself. Fine, I accept, but only if it's both of you»

Pac leaning much closer and finally, after so long, his lips are on Tubbo's mouth, and it tastes better than he could ever imagine.

«It's a date, then» He says and kisses him again.

[sin-djarin]

Becca's Brunch

Happy Sunday and the seasonal treats are in. Cranberry stuff, cinnamon things, pumpkin spiced donuts - I have it all (not really but we're pretending for a hot second, okay?). But there's probably still some Halloween bits leftover if you look hard enough. And coffee or whatever way you consume your caffeine, grab it, sit for a minute and let us enjoy.

Or, what I've gotten round to reading this week to make more room on the TBR shelf.

First, a quick reminder that what I may like, you may not and that's okay! Please heed individual warnings on fics. Leave an author a comment and reblog if you enjoy their work!

Joel Miller:

first light by @5oh5

oct 29 x stormy days by @trulybetty

Javier Pena:

Paranoid Heart by @goodwithcheese (new chapter)

Unworthy by @morallyinept

anytime by @undercoverpena

Dieter Bravo:

Bite Me by @chronically-ghosted

Working Title by @rhoorl (new chapter)

Ezra:

embers by @sp00kymulderr

Max Phillips:

La Mordida by @imalrightllama

Marcus Pike:

Headshots by @secretelephanttattoo

Or, other bits and pieces that made me smile this week.

Analysis of Tim Rockford's eyesight by @gemmahale

little cute things to remember by @undercoverpena

This moodboard but also all the other beautiful ones @wildemaven has been creating.

Or, what I managed to dish up this week.

Fic:

steep is the mountain Tim Rockford x f!reader

"art" (in quotation marks because these were a hurried job)

Bravo Bumper Stickers

Or, what if, by some miracle, we got two characters in the same room?

See below for Joel being totally fucking unimpressed at Marcus's forwardness.

Sleeves? No, not on this menu. You're safe.

Was this some sort of excuse to post a Rockford-esque image? No, and you can't prove anything.

Well. Good news and bad news.

Bad news. I am very tired. Know how I know? I work with a very sweet woman who asked me if I was tired and that was enough. Also, I've been asleep before 11pm many nights this week and still woke up exhausted. (Sorry @for-a-longlongtime for falling asleep mid conversation!) Corporate chaos ensued and my ADHD brain is teetering on burnout and I like to catch it before that actually happens.

Good news! I have a few days off and I'm going on a little surprise staycation. This is technically our first holiday since pre covid times. I'm excited but as a result, the kitchen will be closed for brunch next week. There is stuff in the queue, but I am hoping to stay off my phone/laptop for a while. Now having said that, I do hope to clear up a little space on my tbr shelf because damn, you're all so talented and your words and imaginations bring me so much joy. Please drop a tag if you think there's something I should read, and I'll be around for the rest of the day anyways in case ya need me.

Now, a very apt OST:

Friends, if you've made it this far, je t'adore. I wish you a week of creativity, rest, as much caffeine or caffeine free tea as your heart desires. Drink water, be safe and be careful. Be kind to yourselves and to one another. Be mindful of your energy and what you put it into, especially as the nights get longer this time of year.

I'll see ya on the other side and if I'm not back avenge my death. I'm kidding, don't do this. It's a Simpsons quote. From Homer vs The Eighteenth Amendment. You know the one? You're out there somewhere, beer baron...

Hopefully I return with Frankie's level of competency and Javi G levels of enthusiasm.

Clearly, I need coffee and so...

Thanks for your patience and the smiles that you bring me week after week.

Love, your emo neighbour,

Becca 🤍

Disclaimer: Joel's expression is not an accurate presentation of mine today, I promise I'm quite happy!

[amuseoffyre]

Good Omens thoughts in summary

On the whole, I’m happy with it. Won’t mind watching it again and again, definitely.

The Good:

Michael and David entirely loving their characters and each other and bringing that to life so wonderfully. The bickering and sniping and affection made me so happy

The entire Job storyline making it clear that God is as arbitrary and as indifferent to humanity and their suffering as Heaven, but Aziraphale still can’t see it because God still talks to Job when She long since stopped talking to the angels

All the tasty juicy parallels running all over the place - the realisation that actually, no Nina isn’t the grumpy signifier for Crowley, she’s the Aziraphale trapped in a toxic and controlling relationship but staying because it’s her partner and she feels she has to? And Maggie being the signifier for Crowley, the one who isn’t afraid of hard work and who will be brave and wait for the one they love?

The entire score - David Arnold is a master with his music and he inflicts musical pain so beautifully.

the sneaky little hints of Crowley’s angelic history

The ending. I know I’m probably in a minority, but I legit love that Aziraphale is still doing what he believes is the right thing to protect the world and Crowley. As Crowley said “whether it’s Hell or Heaven that destroys it, it will still be dead” and Aziraphale standing at that lift and pulling on his game face because he knows The Big One is coming. Crowley knew there would be another apocalypse, he warned him about it at the end of S1. Aziraphale’s been afraid of it for so long because he fears losing Crowley and the world. If Crowley was on the same side as him, he would have some level of protection, but even if Crowley won’t go with him, he will go to the place he fears and dislikes because if he’s not there to try and change things, who will?

the Metatron being a shady shady bitch. After all, he can’t have an angel and a demon who can summon up the power in excess of the Supreme Archangel working together when Heaven has plans in motion.

Aziraphale being a precious wee bean when it comes to looking after Maggie, purely because he likes his records.

A/C and their respective perspectives of what makes things romantic and trying to make Romance Happen. It’s also such a useful little reminder that Free Will is a thing. “we’re not toys for you to play with”.

Jim. I loved seeing how the lads interacted with him, but also how his behaviour changed and developed the more time he spent around them. Not to mention the fact that even with his memory gone, Gabriel instinctively knew Aziraphale was someone who would protect him because Aziraphale is the Guardianist Guardian to ever Guardian.

The Meh:

I am fully indifferent to the Nazi zombies. It felt pointless and was much too much unnecessary gore and time spent on body humour and body horror. Furfur could have done it solo. We could have had more of the magic act. But instead we get excessive time dedicated to lurching zombies who pretty much did bugger all aside from pull faces.

Too many new and random side characters and not enough time for them all. Some parts felt a bit scattered because there were just so many little things happening.

Beez and Gabe felt rushed. I know it was the undercurrent of the whole series, but cramming the big reveal into 5 minutes with barely hints earlier felt a bit much.

Otherwise, I know that much of this was set-up for S3. There is so much significance to the fact that all three of the flashbacks relate to times when people/bodies came back from the grave. I can’t remember Jim’s exact quote, but he cited something that I think is from Revelation about the dead rising and that is entirely fodder for S3.

[mercury-crux]

Nosy Neighbours Incorrect Quotes

Pearl: The Ocean is a soup. BigB: BigB: Do elaborate. Pearl: What are needed for something to be a soup? BigB: Erm… Water, salt, some form of vegetation, and personally I prefer some meat in mine. Pearl: Tilts head BigB: The Ocean is a Soup. Pearl: The Ocean is a Soup.

Pearl: We’re having a moment, aren’t we? BigB: If by 'a moment' you mean me not wanting to strangle you for the first time since we met, then I guess we are.

Pearl: I'm having problems with a guy… BigB: Like his dead body won't fit into your trunk kind of problems, or you like him kind of problems?

BigB: :) Pearl: >:( BigB: Turn that frown upside down! Pearl: ):< BigB: Not sure what I was expecting…

BigB: Sorry it took so long to bail you out of jail. Pearl: No, it was my fault. I shouldn't have used my phone call to prank call the police station.

Pearl, texting BigB: I’m a theif. BigB: Thief. Pearl: Theif. BigB: I before E except after C. Pearl: Thceif. BigB: NO.

Pearl: Remember, BigB, don't do anything I wouldn't do. BigB: I think I crossed that line when I got a date.

BigB: I can't imagine what Pearl is planning. But I can tell you two things. We won't like it and it won't be legal.

BigB: Look, Pearl, it's the third time this week you had a mental breakdown and its Monday.

BigB: When I said bring me something back from the beach I meant like a conch shell! Pearl: Struggling to hold a seagull Fucking say that next time!

Teacher: Your child was in a fight. BigB: Oh no, that’s terrible! Pearl: Did they win?

Pearl, answering the phone: Hello? BigB: It’s BigB. Pearl: What did they do this time? BigB: No, it’s me, BigB. It’s actually me. Pearl: What did you do this time?

Pearl: Well BigB, I have to say, I'm really disappointed. BigB: Well, you didn't HAVE to say it. You could've just thought it.

Pearl: BigB… BigB: Oh no, 'BigB' in B flat. BigB: You're disappointed.

Pearl: I’m terrible at expressing myself. BigB: Don’t worry, actions speak louder than words! Pearl: Yes, but my actions are also bad.

BigB: You have an impressive pain tolerance. Pearl: Thanks, it's the trauma.

Pearl: I trusted you! BigB: Why?

Pearl: Here you go, BigB, a nice hot cup of coffee! BigB: It's cold. Pearl: A nice cup of coffee. BigB: It's horrible! Pearl: Cup of coffee. BigB: I'm not sure if this even IS coffee. Pearl: C U P.

BigB: There are some things beyond our understanding. We must accept them and learn from them. Because these moments of crisis are also potential moments of faith. A time, when we either come together or fall apart. Nature always has a way of balancing itself. The only question is, what part will we play? Pearl: Did you just make that up? BigB: No. I read it in a fortune cookie once. Pearl: BigB: A really long fortune cookie.

BigB: Good morning! Pearl: Is it? Is it really?

BigB: Pearl, you're testifying in an aggravated assault case tomorrow, and the D.A. is worried about how you'll present yourself on the stand. Pearl: Why? I'm fine on the stand! flashback to Testimony #1 Pearl: Look, I'll make this real simple so even these dumdums can understand. Pearl, to the jury: MAN DID CRIME. flashback to Testimony #2 Pearl: I'm sorry, could you make her stop doing that weird thing with her face? Defense Attorney, next to the crying defendant: …Crying? flashback to Testimony #3 Pearl: And when this is over, I'm gonna find you and I'm gonna break those little fingers. Judge: Could the witness please stop threatening the stenographer?

BigB: You have Crayons? Pearl: Yes, I have— BigB: You're— how old are you? Pearl: YES I AM AN ADULT AND I HAVE CRAYONS, I HAVE A BOX OF EMERGENCY CRAYONS IN THE CABINET UNDER THE TV BECAUSE EVERYBODY NEEDS CRAYONS SOMETIMES, OKAY? EVERYBODY NEEDS CRAYONS.

Pearl: We just ate. Why are you making pancakes? BigB: For the frogs. Pearl: Why are you making pancakes for the frogs? BigB: They don't know how.

Pearl: Why are you on fire? BigB: This is just how my day is going.

BigB: Can I have some water? Pearl: starts chugging their water bottle Pearl: chokes from drinking too fast Pearl: spills water all over themself Pearl, coughing: I don't have any water.

Pearl: Come on, BigB! How any times do I have to apologize? BigB: Once! Pearl: …No.

BigB: sSSSHIT- I BURNT MY LIP- Pearl: …Why the fuck would you even drink coffee with a METAL STRAW in the FIRST PLACE?? BigB: BECAUSE WE WERE OUT OF THE PLASTIC ONES!

Pearl: There's nothing worse than people using big words they don't understand. BigB: I photosynthesize with this.

BigB: Pearl… Pearl: I can tell by the tone of your voice that you are disappointed. Alas, I must further disappoint you by affirming how little I give a fuck.

BigB: I drink to forget but I always remember. Pearl: You're drinking orange juice.

Pearl, acting tough: You guys don't want to mess with me. BigB: Yeah, Pearl will straight up cry in public. Don't try them. Pearl: Exactly, I will straight up- Pearl: Pearl, tearing up: BigB, why would you say that?!

BigB: You saved me! Why? Pearl: People would think I murdered you if I didn't.

Pearl: I’ve invited you here because I crave the deadliest game… BigB, nodding: Knife Monopoly. Pearl: I was actually going to play Russian roulette, but now I'm really interested in whatever knife Monopoly is.

Pearl: Do you have a superpower? BigB: Yep! It’s hindsight. Pearl: …that’s not going to help us. BigB: Yes, I see that now.

BigB: I’m genuinely surprised you haven’t gotten arrested, let alone gotten a felony yet. Pearl: Nat 20 Charisma. BigB: That is NOT how that works-

Pearl: How do you want your coffee? BigB: Black, like my soul. Pearl: Pearl: BigB, your soul is a latte.

BigB: You need to be more careful! Pearl, who was dragged into BigB's issue: Careful? CAREFUL?! I'LL CAREFULLY WRAP MY HANDS AROUND YOUR THROAT-

BigB: Watcha doin? Pearl: Stealing my neighbour’s cat. BigB: Scandalous. BigB: Can I help?

BigB: You’re charged with…..breaking into a pet store? Pearl: I thought the animals might be lonely.

BigB: Okay, help me, please! Pearl: Got two words for you. BigB: I bet they won't be helpful. Pearl: Your problem. BigB: I was right.

Pearl: You ever get so tired that you start seeing spiders? BigB: Me after I take 17 Benadryl and start seeing the hat man. Pearl: THE WHO? BigB: Oh is this not a safe space suddenly?

BigB: An Apple a day keeps the Doctor away! Pearl: An Apple a day can keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough.

Pearl: BigB told me that brown is just navy orange, and I have never been more disappointed with something I agree with.

Pearl: Astrology is fun because i can pretend that all of my behaviors are just a result of being a Gemini and not symptoms of mental illness. BigB: Being a Gemini is a mental illness. That’s not hate it’s just a fact.

BigB: I love murder mysteries! Pearl, trying to impress them: I've been a suspect in four murder cases.

BigB: I literally cannot believe I let you talk me into this. Pearl: I literally said “I have an idea,” and you just went along with it without question.

[mediocre-eternity]

You have something autistic going on with you (lovingly) <3

I’ve seen this theory about myself roll around this website for some time now. I would be lying if I said I haven’t thought on this… though again— I think the books my coven has published have only served to bring you closer to us and not us closer to you.

I’ll explain.

To you, I am a character in a novel. And I do this, too— relate to characters in novels all of the time. I see myself in many, many people on the TV screen or movie screen. I think “they must get it.” But they are fictional characters. What you need to understand about myself and my cousins in the Blood is that you are first and foremost our prey. And though we may flirt and dance and talk with you, maybe even call you friend, your amazement by who we are is second to our natures as killers. I would not hesitate to rip the throat out of any mortal I see fit. So, I cannot be categorized in a way humans are. Whatever horrific atrocities live in my memories, whatever quirks I may have as a result cannot be conceptualized in a way a human could ever understand.

For example, I have such a mastery of the Mind Gift most humans don’t understand they are dead until I’ve done sucking from them. And even then, most die peacefully in a bed of roses, thinking perhaps they might just take a nap. Then they are gone, without any knowledge of who I was or what I was. And though I may use my real name on this website, you, reader, have no idea who I am and wouldn’t recognize me even if we were standing face to face. Do not look upon me as a human because simply, I am not.

Now, that being said. I do have self awareness. I am not a benign creature lost in their own era because I am hundreds of years old. I can understand things. I see that when other’s dissect my carefully curated novel persona, they tend to write me as a person who has many difficulties grasping what they might be going through in their own minds.

I know I’m not normal. I know I don’t share commonalities with others like me. I don’t see or experience the world they do, even though we are all damned immortals. I understand entirely that I do not speak as much as I think and as much as I’d rather just convey my thoughts to others outright. I am better at lying than most, too…

Oh and I fall into these horrible pits of non-existence where I can tune out rather large swaths of time for myself (which is what I’m trying not to go through now, for Daniel’s sake). If allowed and in good company, it can be extremely hard for me to stop talking (another reason why I’d prefer if I can just exist mind-to-mind). If something catches my imagination, I ruminate and write about it for days, months, sometimes years. I read obsessively…the same book over and over and with music too, until I remember the timing of the notes out of habit. There are episodes of shows on the television that I can recite back to front. And movies. Dune, most recently.

I have a reputation as a hyper-sexual and though I enjoy sex, sex as a tool is something I’ve perfected and there are periods of time where I can completely remove any emotion from the act and use my raw talent at seduction to get what I want. I am such a master at sex, it’s merely a routine characteristic of mine.

Those closest to me become frustrated because it’s so extremely hard for me to understand simple directions. The “packet on the glass” meme has been quoted to me many, many times. I am so well aware of the joke in this. Daniel uses it as a way to torment me when he’s trying to explain how to work something out. I would rather just explore the internet for hours…or ponder a new genre of music than understand the minutiae of tit and tat.

I’ve had to make considerable effort to drone out the horrible, torturous nuisance of modern New York City police cars. No longer is it a deafening alarm, but now a horrific rumble that makes my heart and stomach feel like they’re going to explode. It’s taken years to live comfortably with them and they’ve driven me to intense violence in the past.

“Attenzione! Pickpocket! Attenzione! Borseggiatrici!” Has been on repeat in my head for seven solid nights.

Furthermore, I am friends with many a vampire made within the last few decades. Most notably Benji, who I share many, many commonalities with including our young age in which we came into the Blood. Benji always remarks “oh I have ADHD, I’m ADHD, it’s my ADHD” and he was, truly, given a diagnosis for this before many children were, according to him. He believes this is because he was “in the foster care system” and a refugee so they wanted to give him a label as soon as they could. Whoever they are. (Again, me and Benji even share our beginnings as boys in a family of other boys. Though he had no softness from any Master to aide him).

The most interesting conversations have come from us comparing our lives to each other’s. Benji can get locked into one task or one hobby for hours on end as time passes and passes. We both need to be completely alone on our own terms…

I suppose what I mean to convey is that I’m well aware of these little labels that humans might call each other, or some medical diagnosis that might explain why my humor is off or why others are so terrified by my silence… Why it takes me several attempts to convey a mundane idea verbally or even why I clasp my hands a certain way! If a reader finds a kindred spirit in whatever idea of me that they have, then I’m overjoyed that my novelization has shown some camaraderie to you. And, learning of other’s perceptions and experiences has indeed helped myself, too.

My above warning to you, though, mysterious friend, is to not make a habit of finding commonalities with monsters. My kind feasts upon your kind nightly. In great quantities. And any malady or neurodivergence will not, and cannot, protect you from a very unlucky night.

Autism, ADHD, boarder-line, bipolar… What wonderful new ways science has advanced to help the human race.

But all I care about is your Blood.

[themusedump]

𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐏𝐫𝐨𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐮𝐞

The following is a collection of quotes from Vinland Saga. These are taken from the manga. Chapter 1 - 54, the series prologue which is covered in season 1 of the anime. Feel free to change as needed. Warning for violence, slavery, and other dark themes.

---

"Oh geez. The attackers just retreated."

"Idiots performing a full frontal attack on a fortress..."

"I'm not looking for some cheap reward."

"Your warfare is pitiful and I can't bear to watch."

"We will pave your way to victory."

"Guarantee a reward for me."

"Ooh. You're so scary."

"I saw no deception in his eyes."

"We've got to get over this mountain before the moon rises."

"Just as I thought. They're powerless to resist."

"You're a tough kid, know that? Are you hurt anywhere?"

"That was the deal. I'm not taking no for an answer."

"Can it wait right now?! We need to get out of here!"

"Look at all the treasure."

"You'd be dead in three days, you klutz."

"Bring out some good liquor."

"Do you really love gold that much?"

"So anyway... Can you be a witness for me?"

"There is a different way to correctly control any person."

"Hey, isn't he kind of cute?"

"... You've grown, haven't you? How old are you now?"

"Things don't come back to you as fast when you get old."

"This isn't some big mistake inside your head, is it?

"Oh right. Now I remember! He was the fool who gave in life in exchange for his kid's!"

"Can't get emotional in battle."

"He is bound by his pride and past."

"If I had to live without pride, I'd kill myself."

"What a pitiful sight!"

"Every man alive is a slave to something."

"I suppose it would be a waste of breath to tell you not to get back at them."

"Are you a slave too?"

"For some reason, you remind me of myself."

"I wouldn't know how it feels to be a slave."

"I couldn't... kill."

"Enjoy your life as a slave then. You deserve it."

"I can't afford to be optimistic."

"That looks painful. What is it? Whips?"

"He's a slave on the run."

"But I don't have anywhere else to go..."

"He's stopped breathing!"

"A chain is the only necklace suitable for a man."

"Only steel chains around the neck will turn a man into something useful."

"Don't make me chain you."

"I shall not stand for those who make light of the law."

"Only by chains can an outlaw join the ranks of good humans."

"Do you really think you have removed his chains?"

"You will be joining us in this battle."

"A long time ago, I made a living by killing men. But one day, I came to hate it."

"I grew tired of killing. Tired of death."

"The time has come for me to pay the price of all my actions."

"The sword is a tool to kill others."

"Who are you going to kill with this?"

"Who is your enemy?"

"You have no enemies. No one in the world is your enemy."

"There is no one you need to hurt."

"Does that mean he's going into battle alone?"

"As usual, your men have no class."

"They just don't like the Christians."

"I'm just in it for the money. Consider the job taken."

"I didn't realize you were strong enough to jest with me so."

"Tell me about your heroics, man!"

"Do you think they'll let us go if we surrender?"

"He's more than a monster..."

"Aha! Very perceptive!"

"I like guys with a good brain in their head."

"Forgive me. I cannot spare you the brunt of my might."

"You're a strong man. Strong enough to lead an army."

"The only reason I am forced to rely on this sword at all... Is because I am immature."

"A true warrior needs no blade."

"Learn to treasure your life a little."

"Men are all talk."

"Run."

"Why did you come here?! Didn't I tell you to run away?!"

"I don't fight for money. I fight for the killing."

"If we want to stand out, this is the place to do it."

"... Promise me a reward."

"Only those that work on the battlefield get what they want. That's the way of the warrior."

"My life won't come cheap."

"This lovely fool is mine!!"

"I'm willing to indulge this boy's wild suicide mission."

"Uhg. What a mess."

"Looks like they left you behind."

"Poor guy. And you tried so hard too."

"Ooh? Dead already?"

"Still got your will to fight, eh?"

"Oh dear... There he goes."

"My shoulder is dislocated. My right ankle sprained... And a few ribs broken, I'd say..."

"Blast him. Damned crazy madman!"

"If you can't walk, we're just going to leave you here."

"Insane rat-bastards...! What's so fun about all this battle stuff!?"

"I want you to forget about revenge."

"Do you think that will make me happy?"

"You're up early. The sun has yet to rise."

"Too noisy for you to sleep, eh?"

"...... Don't talk to me."

"Are you getting the wrong idea? I'm not one of you."

"You might think you're so clever, manipulating me. I'll let you keep thinking that way. Until the day I slit your throat."

"Hmph! Very scary."

"Time is on your side."

"You will grow older and I will grow old. One day, you will beat me."

"... This is a tedious story. What's your point?"

"So impatient, we are!"

"You ought to listen to this old man's words of wisdom."

"The world of man is slowly but surely... Growing elderly."

"Look, one of the great ironies. Dawn of the age of twilight."

"It's the twilight of all time. No use in letting it pass without a fight."

"They're madmen. Fools drunk on battle."

"I'm here to rescue you. I'll guide you out."

"A man's faster on his feet when he's unnerved."

"Love is the thing that gives all other things value."

"Pathetic. Are you really the same age as me?"

"What? Are you sulking? A big lump like you?"

"Say what it is you've got to say with your own mouth. Your tongue ain't cut out, is it?"

"I am not keeping my silence because I am a coward! I... I am being cautious, I must be cautious!"

"I... I'm different from you lot."

"I am a prince. I have my status to think of."

"Hpmh. Not bad for an excuse."

"I have never seen such an impudent knave!"

"Nobody has ever spoken to me like that!"

"Then it's a fine new experience, ain't it?"

"Shut up and sit down."

"Bah... It's started to snow."

"I can't do anything about the weather no matter how much you complain."

"I'll free you from your worries."

"If only the whole world was always at war."

"There is... No father that does not love his son."

"Do you always eat alone?

"Looks like the battle is over."

"Hmph... The stew's gone cold."

"Unhand me, you knaves! You dare defy my commands?!"

"I can tell what a man's like just by looking at his face."

"I have hated every single one of you. You're worth less than swine."

"Not bad, you whoresons."

"You can't die until I kill you!"

"Lay a single finger on him and I'll kill you!"

"Touch him and I'll kill you!"

"Your courage ain't bad."

"I don't know if you'll be in any condition to talk once I'm done teaching you your lesson."

"Are you telling me to live in this world alone?"

"Do you truly think I can survive?"

"Don't go... I love you."

"Now nobody who loved me remains on this earth."

"Death is that which completes man."

"Is there no love in the heart of man?"

"It seems that the battle has come to an end."

"I grow tired of this."

"I do not wish to see any more fruitless struggle."

"This fight has no meaning. Do not die for nothing."

"Didn't ask for your help. Look after your own wounds."

"Get away from me! Don't touch it!"

"Good. The sentries have gone away. Let's go."

"Damn it... How pathetic."

"Fuck off. I'll kill you, you bastard."

"I was hoping that you'd show a bit more guts."

"Are you wounded?! Are you alright?!"

"Are you in position to fight?"

"Are you shittin' me?! Do you have a death wish!?"

"You've grown to be quite the smartass in a short amount of time, haven't you?"

"God is probably watching us right now, as we speak."

"We will take back what has been taken from us."

"You had me scared shitless back there."

"I had to change. And now I have to change everything."

"If I ever see you on the battlefield, I'll kill you. Ally or not."

"You're smart and strong. I admire you."

"Aren't you lonely?"

"I wanted... to be your friend."

"Aye. You're my... only friend."

"Do you understand what I'm saying? The fight is over."

"Someone had to save her. Not a god. Not a hero. But somebody."

"After spending all that time in the middle of those bastards, I'd have happily killed all of them."

"I can't let that debt go unsettled."

"Bah... Bastard making me chase after him..."

"You're alive..! What a relief!"

"So... you are seeking revenge..."

"Everybody's obsessed with conspiracy bullshit."

"You're disgusting,"

"That's not the face of a true king."

"....? Screams...?"

"Is this the first time you've ever stabbed someone?"

"..... Well done."

"Stand up straight. This is a crucial moment."

"How could you act so stupidly reckless and get yourself stabbed, you idiot!?"

"Come on! Get up! We can get you fixed up later!"

"Cone closer so I can talk to you..."

"Just kill me."

"So kill me. After all, aren't we enemies?"

"Are you really going... to... die...? You're lying, right?"

".... Still looking down on me, you bastard..."

"I'll never forgive you! How dare you die on me like this!"

"What will you do with your life?"

"That's enough. It's time to move on."

[robo-ky888]

(Part 1 if you missed it)

Other reasons 

This will be sort of a rapid fire appreciation round so lets start off with Robo Ky mk2 who was a character exclusive to guilty gear isuka which was essentially smash bros but an actual fighting game. Something fully unique in this game and its ds version Dust Strikers is that you could fully customize your own Robo Ky mk 2 to give him any move in the game like potemkin buster or even moves like glitter is gold and ALL of them have unique animations. The animation team was essentially challenged to make either magical moves technical or random stuff made into things that made sense within this games context and they absolutely nailed it, for example, millia’s bad moon turns into a banana, testaments Zeinest turns into gum and so many more. I’ll include a video showing them all off in the description that I highly recommend you watch because some of these are absolutely beautiful. Another reason I like Robo Ky is just because he gives me the most laughs when playing him. For context, I typically main funny fighters in my games so faust in Xrd and Strive or guys like kuma in tekken and twelve in street fighter. While I do enjoy taking matches seriously, at the end of the day im here for a good time and Robo Ky always makes me laugh just with his fun gameplay and unorthodox moveset. In general i can't quite think of a character that i like playing more than Robo Ky which is saying a lot because i hop between characters a lot so if i stick to JUST one, that's impressive for someone like me. In general i also just like robot characters so the minute you tell me i can play a funny robot which an actually fun moveset, i'm all in. hes my most wanted fighter for STRIVE after all and while yeah, his story is basically wrapped up i would still love to see him return. Daisuke IS willing to bring back dead characters if it makes sense within the story and he wanted to put him in rev 2 but didn't due to how complex his moveset is so hey, i still have my hopes up. But yeah, that's everything extra i wanted to bring up about Robo Ky, for now at least.

Conclusions

So yeah, now you know why Robo Ky is my favorite character in media. Are there better picks? Probably,I mean I still love faust, bedman, venom and other characters in general and most of them have more story than Robo Ky so realistically i should be more attached to them and yet here i am, going on for over 4,000 words about why i love the silly robot guy. But I guess, he just clicked with me. I get a weird sense of happiness when i play him in accent core, see art of him, read the drama cd, watch the xrd cutscenes with him and even when i listen to his theme Holy Orders? Which is just ky’s theme but distorted, that is also another reason why i love him but i think this video has gone on long enough. To close out, I want to say that final line in the battle with bedman as it has remained as a quote I hold close to the heart. “Remember...you never laugh at another person's dreams. Words from the wise. If you follow this rule there's no need for such elaborate ideologies. People may disagree or even fight… but above all, they can connect. You just need to cool off for a bit.”

Sources

https://guiltygear.fandom.com/wiki/Robo-Ky

https://www.tumblr.com/gear-project/622048042515922944/robo-ky-sidestory-night-of-knives-drama-cd

https://www.dropbox.com/sh/sd6la5eo4j5isi2/AACKs8VViatiRqYlR7kKREDMa/GG%20-%20English%20Files/Robo-Ky%20Arc%20-%20Night%20of%20Knives%20Vol.1%20%5BEN%5D.pdf?dl=0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AFgg6xCnjYs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqbUDpz38kg&t=256s

https://guiltygear.fandom.com/wiki/Robo-Ky/Gallery 

If you made it all the way down here, thank you, I truly mean that. As I'm writing this I'm admittedly a bit worried of putting this out there but I really wanted to so I did it anyways. Thank you for reading, I know I can't show my appreciation, but it truly does mean the world to me.

[kittenbradensgf]

Okay let's talk about how interesting, nuanced and misunderstood Billy Russo is.

So much is said about Billy. There are so many things we see him do and in the midst of all this there is the unsaid. The unspoken.

"Billy loves Frank but not more than he loves himself."

When Frank confronts Billy about his part in his family's murder he says no, if he'd done it Frank would be dead. Frank's family was never a part of it. Now it's easy to say that this was Billy giving himself an out, a way to take the blame off himself but that's not in his character. He may justify his actions and use cheap excuses but he doesn't run away from them.

Billy did a lot for Rawlins and yet he never killed Frank for him. He most likely couldn't bring himself to do it and although he knew of the assassination, he probably told himself that he was gonna look after Maria and the kids. A way of apologizing to Frank and honoring him.

Billy tells Frank that he never had anyone but Frank counters by saying that he had them.

I think the reason why Billy doesn't allow himself to feel remorse over what happened is because of this phrase I'll borrow from Daenerys "If I look back, I am lost". He can't allow himself to regret it because this will have all been for nothing. He created this empire to make his mom feel proud and regret her neglect of him but that failed. It means not only has he betrayed Frank in the worst way but it was for zilch.

That moment after Frank smashed his head against the mirror and he is holding a knife to his throat, ready to slit it, Frank briefly hesitates but Billy takes his hand and begs him to end it. That is such a tender moment for all that is happening in that scene. On the one hand, I can acknowledge that it might be because his face is disfigured but what if it's also due to regret over his actions. He has truly lost everything and has nothing to bring him comfort. When he had his money he could at least take small comfort in that. But now he is unable to, he doesn't even have Frank to lean on.

Sorry to make this even longer but let's rewind to that scene when he had Frank tied up (kinky 😉)

Rawlins calls him grunt, good for nothing and Billy says he should have let Frank kill him. He then proceeds to cut Frank loose and watches him, in lust, as he kills Rawlins with his bare hands. Frank passes out after this but Billy does not use that to his advantage. I can't remember why I wanted to mention this but I liked it.

THIS. this this this all of this.

The Daenerys quote is so so perfect for him. I do believe that Billy, somewhere deep down, really does regret doing what he did, his metaphorical “deal with the devil”(and we can always talk about the Dorian Gray parallels there). But he cannot let himself dwell on it. I feel there is a misconception that Billy simply does not feel emotions. He maybe unempathetic to others, and very self absorbed, but I do think he feels things stronger than we are led to believe, and if he allows himself to feel them fully, and look back on what he did, he will be lost, he will fall apart, because as you said, Billy does love Frank. He does. He may love himself more but that does not take away any of the love he also holds for Frank. 

I think Billy is a person very led by his emotions. He can be cold and cut off from them at times, but fundamentally, they rule him. Classic Scorpio behaviour lol. I think that as a child Billy may have let them show a lot more, let them guide him, but after the things he experienced, he found it safer to withdraw them, make it seem like he didn’t care, so that he wouldn’t get hurt. He ended up loving only himself because he was scared that if he let anyone else try he’d get hurt again. 

Until Frank. I think Frank broke down a lot of Billy’s defences, he’d loved him and Billy, for a moment had let him. And Billy had loved him back. 

But Billy, with all his abandonment issues, and deep rooted fear of being hurt by people he’d let love him, found it easier to cut Frank off, even in the most permanent way possible, than wait for Frank to inevitably do it to him. It’s a classic BPD trait. (Billy is implied to have some kind of personality disorder, and shows traits that could be attributed to any of them, its left vague.) Hurt yourself, abandon yourself, before they can do it to you.

That quote really is perfect for him, in this sense.

Moving away from the more emotional sense of it, it also so perfect in a more literal sense, like you said. Out of all the things he did, and how much they hurt him, and how much he would not let himself feel that pain, that self-betrayal, he gained something. He gained all that he never had. It may have been all materialistic and empty, but he could live with that. He’d been living like that his whole life. 

And then after it all fell apart, and the reason he did it didn’t matter anyway, because despite all of it, his mother still hadn’t a care for him, nor did she regret any of the things she did, still only really caring about getting more of the drug she was dependant on. And Billy just couldn’t let himself look back on it and realise that all he had done he had done for nothing. That he gave up the only person who’d really cared about him in hopes of material gain to please someone who’d never cared for him, and never would. If he tried dwelling on that, he would be lost. 

And then after he’d truly lost everything, even Frank, all he wants if for him to end it, He wants it to be Frank to do it, bringing him that small comfort. But Frank can’t. Frank lets him live, takes mercy on him, so to speak, though it is far from merciful. He has absolutely nothing, he can’t even die by Frank’s hand. That scene, the little touch of hands, the small request, is just so so meaningful to Billy’s character, and his relationship with Frank.

Onto some of the other things in this ask, “Billy did a lot for Rawlins and yet he never killed Frank for him.”

I honestly do not think Billy ever would have killed Frank on anyone else's terms but his own. I don’t even think he wanted to do it at all. (see: the scene where he hold a gun to Frank head but refuses to pull it, the scene where he does shoot him, but only gets his temple, even though he is a trained sniper, all the times he doesn’t shoot or stab him in their fight on the carousel, even though he easily could’ve) 

He did indeed refuse to be the one to pull the trigger in the first place. And sure, he said that if he had done it, Frank would be dead. I don’t doubt that, Billy is a excellent sharpshooter. He’s right when he says that he wouldn’t have missed. But I’m focusing on “if I had done it,” because he didn’t. He specifically made the choice not to. When Frank, later that episode, asked he to do it, he agreed. He does not want to be the one to kill Frank on anyone’s terms but Frank’s own. He agrees because Frank specifically asks him to do so.

I also think that Billy regrets the death of Frank’s family, to a degree. They were innocent, it was only Frank that really had to die (and Billy has his own conflicts on that, given that really it was only petty revenge on Rawlins’ part for his eye), they were just caught in the crossfire, they were just convenient to get rid of at the same time. But, like I said earlier, Billy loves Frank, and I think that does extend to his family. They really were the only family he ever had, and in the scenes we see with them, I don’t think that’s pretending, though it’s hard to tell. 

There is a darker side to it too, and the possibility that he only loved them because of his love for Frank, but disliked the fact he had to share. Billy is selfish, and Frank is the only one he’d ever really loved. It makes sense that Billy may turn a blind eye to their deaths just because of that, and that also contributing to the reason Billy cannot kill Frank. He can kill his family, even feel regret for it, but he can’t kill Frank. That’s too far. It’s fucked up, of course it is, especially because the plan was for Frank’s death, not his family. Maybe Billy even set it up knowing that Frank would survive but Maria, and the kids, would not. I have a lot of feelings about this, I’d love to be able to know Billy’s thoughts on it. Unfortunately, I cannot, so these are my theories.

And you’re right, Billy does use excuses and weak justifications for the things he does, but he doesn’t shift the blame off of him. He knows what he has done. 

And to end it off, I also love that scene you mentioned right at the end. truly the definition of intricate rituals, and also an incredibly meaningful scene in relation to their relationship. Billy cutting Frank’s zipties and just watching, in pure adoration, and Frank does what Frank does best, once again, refusing to kill him.

Thank you so much for this ask, this was so fun to write, even if it got way longer than expected! My dm’s are always open if you want to talk more about it.

[stilin-ski]

forever is the sweetest con: chapter one

Chapter One: Genesis

A/N: hello there. glad to have you. I've got this posted on Ao3 already, but I've decided to crosspost here. Here we go.

Summary:

If asked now, he’d see it clearly. Where it started, how it started, and why. It all comes back to Tobias Hankel.

OR

Hotch/Reid through the years and what happens when things are left unsaid.

~000~

If asked now, he’d say it was obvious. Where things were going- where they’d always been going since that day in February, when the sharp chill of the Georgia air hardly touched the team when compared to the way fear turned their blood to ice in their veins.

In Aaron Hotchner’s veins, when the call came in.

JJ was gone, no one could reach her.

And Reid- Spencer- was gone, still, when they did eventually find her.

If asked now, he’d see it clearly. Where it started, how it started, and why.

It all comes back to Tobias Hankel.

“I choose-” He watched on in desperate fear, eyes never leaving the screen. He couldn’t bring himself to move, to look away, to close his eyes when he knew any second how that trigger could be pulled and Spencer Reid would disappear in front of him. “I choose Aaron Hotchner.”

All eyes turned to him, but he remained frozen. He heard the sharp intake of breath from his left, felt JJ’s eyes slide over his expression. His face remained neutral, schooled thanks to years in this role. He, despite what Reid might say, had the best poker face of them all.

“He’s a classic narcissist.” Hotch watched intently as Reid continued, looking for any slight of hand, any tell Reid could be giving. It was a message, and he knew that. He just needed the cipher. Come on, Reid, he thought. I need more than that. You’ve got to give me more than that.

“He thinks he’s better than everyone else on the team. Genesis 23:4-” He burned the words into his memory. He needed to remember that, he knew it. He knew Reid. “Let him not deceive himself and trust in emptiness, falseness, vanity, and futility. For these shall be his recompense-”

Thank you, Reid, his eyes finally, finally slid shut as the last piece of the puzzle fell into place. Thank you.

He turned on his heel, exiting the room. Out in the living room of that old, dank house, Hotch retrieved the bible left on the side table.

“I’m not a narcissist-” He started, ready to start translating Reid’s message.

“Come on, Aaron, you can’t take anything he said personally-”

“No, Gideon, stop, stop-” He snapped, frustrated. That’s not the point, how do you not get it? His mind raced, and he briefly wondered if this was how Reid felt every moment of the day. “Everybody right now, what’s my worst quality?”

The team stared at him blankly, and the wild streak of anger and impatience he worked so hard to control flared again. That’s not the fucking point, he wanted to scream at them. It’s right in front of you and you’re all missing it. “Stop worrying about hurting my fucking feelings- tell me, now. My worst quality. I’ll start. I have no sense of humor. Prentiss?”

“You trust men more than women.”

“Okay, JJ?”

“You’re a bully.”

“Alright, I’m a bully. Morgan, go.”

“You can be a drill sergeant sometimes.”

“Good, I’m all of those things,” And he was, he wasn’t blind to his own faults. Everything they had said was true, but- “Yet, none of you said I put myself above the team because I don’t. Ever.” Still, they didn’t get it, and he groaned in frustration. “Reid and I argued about the definition of classic narcissism on the way here. He knew that I would remember that.”

“Hotch, we know you’re not a narcissist, man-”

“That’s not the point.” He finally snapped. “That’s not the fucking point, listen-” He looked up and finally, finally, he had their attention. “He quoted it wrong. Genesis chapter 23, verse 4, look-” He lifted the scripture into the light and read the correct quotation aloud. “I am a stranger and a sojourner with you, give me property for a burial place among you, that I might bury my dead out of my sight.” It registered with Gideon first, and Aaron could breathe a bit easier. “He wouldn’t get it wrong unless it was on purpose.” He insisted, holding eye contact. “He wouldn’t.”

“He’s in a cemetery.” Morgan muttered, and now Hotch could take a real breath.

The rest moved quickly. He did it, he found Reid, they were there and he just had to find where in the cemetery-

Then the shot rang out from just over the hill Aaron’s own two feet were standing on, and everything slowed down again as he ran towards it. “Reid!” He shouted. “Spencer!”

Not like this. Please, just not like this.

“Hotch?!” He doesn’t remember getting there. He doesn’t remember his path from the top of the hill down to the bottom, or who was following in his wake. He just remembers the relief flooding his chest as he pulled Spencer Reid off the earth and into his arms.

“You okay?” He muttered, one hand wrapped firmly around Reid’s waist while the other cradled his head.

“I knew you’d understand.” Spencer choked on a sob and tightened his hold, tears staining the collar of Hotch’s shirt. “I knew you’d understand.”

And so it began.

[redwineconversation]

blue skies turn to grey, you fall from the clouds (OL - Juventus Postgame Thoughts)

I was bored during today's game and didn't really recognize my team. But Lyon players said they found themselves again, so maybe we should talk about that instead.

I've said over and over again that this team is a lot more interesting and complex than people give them credit for. Yes, they're incredibly boring on social media. But maybe that's the point. You're not going to learn how Lyon strong-armed Europe into bowing at their feet through a TikTok. They're too, well, complex for that. The way this team's inter dynamics work, how it is constantly changing and evolving and yet at its core remains the same - you're not going to get that from social media. You're going to get it from just watching them play, from taking a step back and trusting them to figure things out even when you don't necessarily trust them.

I would have bypassed this postgame analysis if it hadn't been for Amandine Henry's postgame interview. As I said, I thought this game was boring - so boring, in fact, I couldn't even bring myself to waste a wine pun on them. Anyway, it was a boring game and I was bored. But afterwards, a proper journalist who knows to ask about football and not poll a player on the relationship of two (2) individuals who have zero (0) connection to said player asked Amandine Henry about statistics.

"Bro," you are going to tell me, "for the love of god please don't tell me statistics does something for you."

No, but quoting philosophy does. No, but the way a Lyon player responds does. I liked that Amandine Henry snarled, through gritted teeth, that Lyon's statistics mean something to her because she was the one who lived them. Henry and Lyon's relationship might be complex at best but they are also acutely aware they are tethered to each other. To this day, I am still not sure if Lyon molded Henry into their image or if she molded them into hers.

Henry and Lyon understand each other in a way that other players and clubs simply can't. It's one thing to say a club would do anything for a player. It's another to say the club will follow through with it because they understand the premise of a decent love story.

Anyway, I fear I am getting off track. I was bored watching the game. I was genuinely bored. Nothing happened worth writing about except maybe Bompastor decided to have mercy on me and not start Malard. Lyon still can't score (bad). Lyon has started to remember how to defend (good). Lyon looks gassed, has looked gassed since literally August, and the Rodez game in the Coupe de France sounds more like a threat to Lyon than anything else.

So why, exactly, does Barcelona of all teams seem somewhat apprehensive about drawing Lyon in the quarterfinals? Lyon is literally dead. Lyon has been dead all season. Their right side might flicker back to life in January with the return of Carpenter, Majri and Dabritz are back, but are they really that much of a threat? Hegerberg is not going to be back in January. Macario's return, despite having spent the past few months in Dubai, is not scheduled before February or March at best (weird. I distinctly remember being told that delayed returns were due to Lyon's medical staff).

Anyway, Lyon is hardly a threat if you spend more than 30 seconds looking at their roster, so I was perplexed by Barcelona players sweating somewhat nervously in a postgame about drawing Lyon.

Dude, I want to say, we're dead. What are you so afraid of?

Well, here's the thing. Roll the dice enough times and the odds will eventually land in your favor. Henry said it herself. She's lived through all of those statistics. She was there. She knows Lyon probably better than anyone bar Wendie Renard.

So I get it now. The only thing scarier than Lyon's statistics? The ones writing the statistics and saying they intend on fixing the margin of error.

Lyon is dead, I want to say. You have nothing to be afraid of.

Bro, you might say, haven't you ever heard of ghost stories?

[cccrhirdb1]

week 5 notes on references

gna put some notes in about my chosen references!!

how I expand my learning by contextualising the quotes i have chosen!! / why i might use the quotes

Quotes to use ??;

“Science throughout its history has had a complex relationship with seeing things. If I were searching for a way of trying to grasp at its most fundamental level just what kind of activity science was, I think that thinking about science in terms of seeing would be a very good place to start.”  - how they view the stars to then relate to planting etc. 

Science reading iwan morsys 

How does it relate to the world around us? - could use to help explain how matariki relates to the world around. Maori use matariki as a signal to plant crops, look to each of the individual stars to decide what could be a better harvest in the coming months etc. Use matariki for navigation - would honestly work better as a quote for matai arorangi though probably rather than matariki.

"Perhaps this is because it took conventonal Western science up untl at least the later half of the 20th century to fgure most of this out, and we like to believe that Western-style science is the most advanced of all. So how did the old people do it? Of course, I can only guess. I see the advantages in being ‘stone-age’ – that in the evenings, you only had the night sky to look at, and stories to tell. That over generatons, stories built upon older stories, certain people with partcularly clear vision saw paterns in the night sky, or notced movements, a distant star going supernova perhaps, or the blinking out of light from a long dead sun. It is possible they looked inward as ofen as out, travelling the complex pathways of the mind and spirit, touching ancient wisdoms about our origins only dreams can ofer. And, in the darkness with only natural light from the milky way to see by, they began to understand what lay behind the stars, what went before them, the place of potental, Te Korekore, with Io twitching into life. "

“That is a story, and what is important about it is not that we believe it is true, but that we understand what it stands for.”

Twitch Tina Makereti

two different quotes from tina makereti that i could use??? I would paraphrase/shorten the first quote by taking out bits that I do not need /dont relate to what I am writing about/to reduce my word count so then I can just talk about how maori used matariki to search for knowledge about navigation and crop growing and remembering their family etc. good to help ground/bring in the idea through using the quote. im pretty certain tina's second quote is talking about the creation of the world (and what maori believe about it) but i think it could also be used in the context of matariki, matariki stands for connection and rememberance which in some ways are deeper and more important than the other things we use matariki for (crop growing, navigation) at the end of the day you only have each other and in the society of today that is so rushed I think it's much better to highlight this point and bring it to the forefront rather than any other ideas associated with matariki.

"We’ve orientated our entire world and our entire… cycle to fit into the northern hemisphere. Why do they celebrate New Years in the middle of winter and we do it in the middle of summer?"

This is kiwi rangi matamua 

good little one sentence to use to go into the maramataka, doesn't really explain much about the calendar system but can be used to go into it - also like using dr rangi matamua because he advised the government on it and I was really drawn to the podcast episode about this.

‘Ngā Mata o te Ariki Tāwhirimātea’ (The Eyes of Tāwhirimātea)'

a video that helps to explain this quoite and expand my learning!!

a video on the myth/legend of tawhirimatea so I know what it is in case I want to use it in my description. (maybe) just in case i want to go into the myth side of matariki - although this is just one myth about it there are many different from all the different tribes around nz. I feel it's also just good to have a direct quote/reference to what matariki fully stands for from another source on stream so that I can tick the using multiple resources box off.

“I understand that there are tribal variations and differences, and that's awesome. It's meant to be different because we're different. I really support the coming through of traditional regional variations. My version has nine stars, because I can only go off what my ancestor says. If you have seven, have seven, if you have Puanga, have Puanga. And for Pākeha, accepting that has been a lot better, but Māori, we can get pretty territorial about stuff, like 'that's not what we believe'. That's the bit that makes me hōhā because that's not the point. The point is we celebrate it.”

would paraphrase to explain how different tribes believe in different things relating to matariki - then could use to explain the holiday and people's response to it becoming a national holiday in nz!! could then use the bit where he says the point is that we celebrate it and add/uplift it by also using tina makereti's quote about how it's important that we understand what a story is for??

[goldthroughthefire]

Waging War

Hey everyone! I'm back! Sorry I haven't blogged in awhile! It's been a crazy ride the last few weeks. I was sick for awhile. Just now getting my energy back. How has everyone been? I don't know about you, but I feel like the world is going crazy. Every time you turn on the news, something is happening. School shootings, natural disasters, etc. Even churches are turning away from God. One thing really blew my mind. I don't know if you heard, but Disney is now letting men dress up as Disney Princesses at Disney World. Wait, what? Yeah, I was confused too. To be honest, it made me mad. Why would you have a guy dress up as a princess where children are at? It's not even transgenders. They're actual men. That's just taking it too far. What's going to be next? I'm not going to lie, I've been thinking about giving up Disney since I found out about this. At least the movies from 2010 until now. I know people will say I'm overreacting, but am I though? You might say they're just expressing themselves or whatnot, but I think there's a deeper issue here. We have an enemy and he wants to do everything he can to confuse us and turn us away from God. He doesn't want us to have anything to do with God and go against His law. Don't you think he's doing that now? One of the biggest companies in the world is now letting men be princesses. You don't think that's going to confuse children? They're going to think that's ok when it's really not. In fact the whole world is getting confused and going against The Word. Right now, people are celebrating Pride month for the LGBTQ+ community. A whole month about celebrating sin. I know I'll probably get a lot of backlash for this, but God says it is. You can read it in Romans 1:24-32 and  Leviticus 18:22. Those are just a couple verses right there in black and white. Yes, I know we have free will and people will say they can't help it, but it still doesn't make it right. I don't want to get too deep into that today though. My point is that people are making it seem that it's ok. Not just with LGBTQ+ and men dressing up as Princesses, but in other areas too. I just found out that there's this new video game called Diablo 4 where you can kill demons. The subtitle or whatever it's called says "Welcome To Hell." Yeah, no way that game is coming into my house. People are now promoting demons and making it seem like it's no big deal. The spirit world is real though and we're not supposed to have anything to do with it or demons. Why are we thinking it's ok then? Well, the enemy is trying to plant a seed and tell us it's not a big deal. Unfortunately, many people are listening. Even Christians are starting to conform to this "new norm."  As believers in Christ though, we're not supposed to conform to this world and fit in. We're supposed to stand for what's true, good and God's Will. You can read it in Romans 12:2. I believe it's time for Christians to take a stand and let people know this is not ok. I remember this quote from the movie God's Not Dead 2 that says, "I would rather stand with God and be judged by the world, than stand with the world and be judged by God." That should be our motto. We should want to stand with God because He loves us and knows what's best for us. Don't be afraid to speak up. Will you be mocked or ridiculed or whatever? Most likely, yes. Trust me though, it'll be worth it. You might have hardships down here, but if you continue to stand with God and keep your faith, you will have great reward in Heaven. Read Matthew 5:10-12. The Gospel is clear on what's right and wrong. It's our job as believers to spread The Gospel and stand up for what's true and right, even if you'll get laughed at or whatever.

We're in a war right now. Not against flesh, but of forces of darkness. We need to step up right now more than ever. Satan is working overtime right now. Which, brings me to another thought. Why is he working so hard right now to cause destruction and turmoil and confusion? It's because he knows his time is coming to an end. He knows the end of the story, which is not a happy ending for the loser. It is a happy ending for us, believers in Christ, though. The Bible says Jesus will come back as King and set everything right, throw satan into the deepest part of Hell where he will never get out and God will dwell with His children forevermore. If you ask me, satan is just a scaredy cat sissy. LOL I believe Jesus is coming back real soon. Of course no one knows the exact time. Only God knows. It says so in Mark 13:32. With everything happening in the world though, it looks like we're closer now than ever. That's why we have to get ready. Put your faith in Jesus, turn away from your sins and own desires and don't conform with the world. Don't keep thinking you have time to get closer to God. Jesus can come back any day and it will unfortunately be too late for some people. Now is the time to get right with God and stand with Him no matter what. One day, every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord. I choose to do that now though. We need to put on the full Armor of God every day and stop letting satan try to blind us. Pray fervently and keep watch. We know who wins at the end of this battle. Well, I'm out for now friends. Have a great week! Until next time!

Lauren

[sheviolentlyher]

tweleve twenty six p.m.

you just can not face what you have done because it's written all over me. you know it's blocking me from expressing to you. you know you have ruined a good thing. you know i no longer consider you worthy of my mind, of my thoughts, of my vulnerability. you act like you don't know, and i can not make you see that, i can not make you know that. even if i told you that, im not sure you would understand, let alone feel the fucking gravitiy of the situation. you have been exposed to feelings you have never felt and that scares you, so you supress them and focus on what you can control. feeling comfortable in in the cycles that have brought you to me in the first place. now your back at the start. now what? tell me now what? i couldnt be wrong but i am not. i asked you today if anyione has ever givin you a safe space to feel your feelings. and you lashed at me saying you know how to express. but that really wasnt answering my question. so i shrugged in understanding feeling that this was a dead end street.

i was cooking myself breakfast as i thought about how maybe you were incapable of giving me what i needed, and you couldn't admit that. maybe you are not truly in love with yourself. and i was motivating you to love yourself. something no one has ever done. or maybe you are just addicted to sex. maybe that's how you get your power because you feel powerless in your real life. maybe i was the only thing that made you feel like a man. maybe i was the only thing that made you feel again. but you got scared. You got scared because i was real. because we had potential.

i never left you. I NEVER LEFT YOU.

the hardest part about this is eating your share of the pain. It's that we aren't hurting together. why am i the only one hurting? that makes me question the truth in everything. because there is a pain with this ache. and i dont understand why you dont feel it? i dont know how to ask you to explain it to me. i dont know how to validate my feelings.

i dont know all the quiet expectations of a relationship. you told me there should never be any, and to appreciate everything. but a part of me never believed that. i wasn't comfortable in associating that word with the interaction of two human beings. i think that was more a life quote, more of a more of a spell. i should have trusted myself then, but i trusted you. out of all our conversations, there is always one saying that you told me that my memory will consistantly bring forward. i remember you saying --"oh its just someone i regret talking to--" and i couldn't help but think there was another innocent, broken woman before me that suddenly was forced to burn. and at that very moment, she was burning. all while you were tying me to the stake, distracted by an optical illusion. I dont know why that has been coming up in my head, and i listen to things that repeat like that, or that immediately comes to my mind when i think of you. It's not irrelevant. it must mean something. in fact i cant remember a single word you have fucking said. amnesia.

you have saved all the pictures of me. and you remind me by sending me my old photos i know i have sent as "view once." and i dont say anything, but the voice inside my mind does. something along the lines of

--"look how much you have given him" and i reply with

--"yes, everything i gave him was a gift."

and now i think everything we have given each other was a gift. but i still somehow feel like a clown. i still feel like im juggling for you. but i never can remember how i ended up there. juggling. i realize you are no longer watching because i started worrying about how i was juggling. i started making sure it pleased you. and you knew that would happen. why didn't you tell me? like i said, im not good at validating. im not good at self reassurance. im not good at self-esteem. im not good at confidence. AND YOU KNEW THIS. you knew this, and i trusted that you knew this. so now that i know this---- you have turned into a fucking coward. I laugh, and i laugh, and i laugh because maybe this is just a reflection of myself. maybe i am the coward.

maybe we both are the cowards.

[with-love-from-love]

(So let me preface this with the fact that when I wrote this I was in the midst of a mental health crisis, and it most definitely reflects. That being said I’ve read over this letter a number of times and I feel that everything I said was the truth, just take it with a grain of salt. I want this letter and all subsequent letters to be reflections of my actual feelings, the joy and the pain)

The stars that shine, and the stars that shade

(Siouxsie and the Banshees, Dazzle)

So here we are again, another month gone by, more time moving right through me. Unconcerned by my withering corpse, time just keeps on going, and I continue to search for reasons to stay, to remain, to exist. I feel hurt, mostly by myself, I feel like I’m a horrible person, and I know that this may seem like I’m trying to garner sympathy, but fuck it, maybe I am. It’s not that I have nothing in my life that brings me joy, but the emptiness remains. I’m very glad to have stopped looking at instagram, in the past month I’ve only looked at it for brief moments a couple of times, I definitely feel less stressed and less anxious, but I still can’t get a job, and I still can’t make art that really compels me or anyone else. I always want this message to be one of truth, so I would be doing no one a favor by masking how I really feel.

Girl, you are rich even with nothing

And you know tenderness comes from pain

It's amazing how you love

And love is kind and love can give

And get no gain

It's down a rugged road you've come

Though you had every reason

You didn't come undone

Somehow you made it to the other side

You didn't suffer in vain

(Sade, It’s Only Love That Gets You Through)

I really resent being valued for my body, and I know that sounds really selfish, so judge away, please. I’ve caused hurt, I’ve caused pain, mostly to myself, but also to many people who didn’t deserve it. I suppose I’ve always just wanted someone to listen to me, because that was not something I was afforded when I was young. I feel that the only time people listened to me was when I was like, 20 and pretransition. As soon as I started transitioning no one took me seriously, and I feel that happens to a lot of transsexual women such as myself. The cis, straight, and most of the queer world really feigns interest in our pain. Marsha P. Johnson is remembered as an “icon,” yet no one did shit to help her, she was found dead and no one even has a clear answer as to what happened. I really have no right to be this upset, I’m the t****y 1%, I’m white, I’ll probably be fine. Still the pain echoes through me, as I know it echoes through all of us.

I have managed to quit smoking for the most part, and I have two DJ gigs coming up this month, one at gingers on the 17th and one at the pride march in Manhattan on the 25th. I feel really lucky to be playing at such an “important” event. To paraphrase Sylvia Rivera, pride is a capitulation to capitalism, it’s about the almighty dollar, and they want me because I’m a freaky genderfuck and it’s good optics for them. To quote myself, even gay people are straight nowadays. I’ll be really happy to play fun music to a bunch of queers in the hot sun, but I’m not happy that I had to sign a contract and write a bio for myself, I don’t want to market myself, and I don’t want my body to be for sale, but unfortunately, sometimes my body is my number one asset. Jesus this letter is so fucking doomer, but I said I’d be honest.

I guess if yer reading this and you feel pained or challenged by what I’m writing, write me back, come talk to me in real life, I don’t get around too much. If you’re reading this and I haven’t spoken to you in a while, I’m sorry, but right now my spider silk has become very thin, and I might just get blown away by a strong wind. It pains me so much that most people who consider themselves “allies,” know less than nothing about trans experience, especially trans feminine experience. Once, a person who I really kinda despise said they liked me because I’m “well adjusted.” Now, on the list of shitty things this person has done to me, that comment ranks pretty low, but it still stings me today, the implication being that most of us are very poorly adjusted, and what a fucking shock! Who knew it would be hard to be well adjusted when you live in a world where basically everyone hates that you exist, gaslights you, fetishizes you, feels disgusted by your body, and thinks that you are a dangerous pervert. Yet after all of that we still manage to “yaaasss” and “slayyy” and we do it with pride, because that’s all we have. I don’t wanna be a “well adjusted” t****y I want to be a menace to the straight cis world.

If you know me well I’d imagine you are rolling your eyes right now, so let me just say this before I really cancel myself. Pain is double edged, it is neither good nor bad, it’s just gravity. There is no cure for pain, there is only a deep understanding of it. I feel very lucky to have a woman in my life who really loves me and puts up with my ranting and raving, she brings me the most joy out of anything, but we must remember that Goddess cannot be found in other people, we must find her inside, and she is there, in all of us.

This letter really got away from me, but I urge you to continue filling the well that is your life, even in my cursed spiral, I still manage to create. I started making a photobook, it’s just a draft right now, and I’m being harshly critical of myself, but there is a tiny grain of excitement, that maybe I could really capture what little I have to say with my heart. I also have a consultation for FFS coming up this month, which is serving as my beacon right now, I know it won’t fix all my problems, but it will fix the problem of my ugly ass face. In terms of tattooing I don’t really know how much I want to do it anymore. I want to still use it as a medium, but probably just for close friends and dolls who want to feel comfortable. I don’t want to sell my tats, or participate in the clout trap circle j**k that is instagram. Will I be a star that shines? A star that shades? who can say.

“It’s gonna hurt, now,” said Amy. “Anything dead coming back to life hurts.”

(Toni Morrison, Beloved)

Attached are some pictures from the photobook.

With love from love

Sasha Love

Please donate to FOR THE GWORLS, a collective providing mutual aid and support to black trans people. https://www.forthegworls.party/home <3

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Albums to listen to:

The Fragile - NIN

The Velvet Rope - Janet Jackson

Love Deluxe - Sade

Exile in Guyville - Liz Phair

Hyaena - Siouxsie and the Banshees

Stumpwork - Dry Cleaning

The Sun’s Tirade - Isaiah Rashad