#i am done but still have an ed
depressedoompaloompa · 2 months
Looks like someone is wasting their time on tumblr needs a glass of ✨water✨
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Ooooooohhhhhhh now I’m thinking of an Izzy with an Ella Enchanted style curse on him hhhhhhhhhh
Read-more cause this got away from me lmfao
He keeps it fairly under wraps for most of his life, sets out to sea at twelve, gets picked up by a press gang at seventeen. He manages, its  expected, for a sailor to follow orders on a navy ship, after all (of course ‘no’ isn't an option available to him anyway).
They get boarded by pirates when he's about twenty one and he’s taken on as part of their crew, the captain is after crew more than loot, tells him he should join (saying ‘no’ would have just had him killed, and he's doing his very best to live).
Some time after, he's nearing twenty five, they’re raided by another ship, the Ranger. Benjamin Hornigold likes a ruthless sailor (a ruthless pirate) and Israel Hands has never allowed himself to be anything but. He decides he wants to keep this one. He offers, Izzy accepts. Ben tells him to kill his former captain (wouldn’t have said ‘no’ even if he could have, the man was a bastard).
He earns a reputation of being kind of a kiss-ass, he doesn’t really mind, it keeps most people from asking questions. But Ben’s got his pet projects Edward Teach and John ‘Jack’ Rackham and they’re both too sharp for their own good (though, Jack is better at playing dumb). They notice its not just Captain’s orders he follows to the letter, but everyone’s. They test him, subtly at first, but eventually they show their hand. Tell him that they know there’s more to Izzy’s obedience than he lets on.
He’s terrified for how they might use this against him (the usual ways, which most men abused without even knowing about his curse, easier, safer to let them think he wanted it) but they tell him they don’t want to take his agency from him like that. They offer to help him. He’s not sure whether to trust it (he knows, by rights, he shouldn’t) but he can’t say ‘no’ to ‘trust us, let us help’ (whether Edward is aware of the command, Izzy will never know, decades later Edward doesn’t even remember what he said to convince him).
So they stick by him, as best they can, if someone gives an order he doesn’t want to follow they’ll tell him, quietly as they can, not to. It works, for the most part. Though eventually, Ben notices Izzy’s not quite as obedient anymore (though he still never says ‘no’ to his captain’s orders). He doesn’t like that. He notices Izzy’s been spending more time around Teach and Rackham, decides they’re bad influences (he intends them to captain other ships in his fleet, they’re allowed to push back on orders, Izzy will never have a command of his own, he is not). He separates them. Puts Teach and Rackham on the Marianne with the flimsy excuse of ‘getting practice in’. (he sees them off with Izzy at his side, a claiming hand on his shoulder, Ed and Jack aren't sure how they manage it, but they don't try to kill him right then and there) They now only ever see each other when they all make port. Its a trying few months (for Ed and Jack, for Izzy. . .).
They meet at port one last time (apart, at least). Edward has a plan. They’re going to mutiny. They’ve been stirring the pot on the Marianne (whispers had already started before they got there, not too many of the crew were happy to miss out on loot just because Ol’ Ben had an apparent soft spot for the Crown). He presses his knife into Izzy's hands. Tells him, back on the ship, when everyone else is asleep, he’s to slip into the captain’s cabin and kill Ben, in his sleep, so he can’t order him to stop (Izzy is never sure if he would have said ‘no’ to that unintentional order, had he been able).
The mutiny goes off without a hitch (Ben wakes when the knife plunges into his throat, but he can’t give orders around the steel and the blood that choke him). Edward makes Izzy his first mate, gives Jack the Marianne. He and Izzy go on to create a legend.
Things are good, for a long while they're good. Edward is an inventive and charismatic captain, the crew love him and the loot he leads them to, and Izzy's position (and Edward's possessive protectiveness over him) means that anyone who dares order Israel Hands around, that doesn't have the title of 'his captain', meets a quick end.
Unfortunately, for Izzy, 'good' never tends to last. He'd hoped (and damn him for daring to hope) that he was free, as free as he could be, from his curse, sailing under Edward (Blackbeard), and he was. For a while. Its about a decade later when Edward starts to get bored. He never orders Izzy to do anything degrading or dangerous (more dangerous than he can handle at least) but it still hurts somewhere deep in his chest the first time Edward gives a casual order and doesn't look to see if Izzy wants to follow it.
They come across Jack every now and again. It always takes him a bit to readjust to Izzy, to remember he needs to phrase things as suggestions rather than orders, he always manages eventually. (that little pain in his chest digs a little deeper when he notices Edward avoids giving him orders when Jack is around, though he can't say why) Their crossing paths wind up fewer and farther between as the years go on. One notable visit involved Jack asking Edward to marry him and Anne Bonny ('why not just have your first mate do it?' 'Annie is my first mate, man, 'sides, I want my two best buds to be there for it!'). Izzy isn't sure what to make of Edward's renewed willingness to run into Jack afterwards (only knows that the pain in his chest grows all the sharper for it, and at seeing Jack, happy with Anne, he feels a bit monstrous about that). It doesn't matter much in the end, things go back to normal once Mary/Mark (depending on the day) Read enters the picture and (mostly) steals Annie away from Jack.
And suddenly Izzy finds himself at fifty five, on a beach, wondering ‘what kind of fucking idiot runs his ship aground‘. Edward is intrigued, Izzy can't tell him 'no'.
He hates the Revenge with every fiber of his being. None of the crew listen to him, Edward doesn't back him up (and neither do Fang or Ivan, following their captain's lead). The first time one of the crew gets it into their head to give him a mocking order he nearly passes out with the force it takes him to not jump to the task immediately. He retreats to his cabin later and vomits at the feeling of violation he hasn't felt in decades (he tells himself he hasn't felt it, Edward is his captain, above all else is loyalty to his captain, his own feelings don't matter).
He hates stupid fucking Stede Bonnet most of all. Hates him for putting a light back in Edward's eyes that hasn't been there for a long while. Hates his pompous attitude, his flippant disregard for the institution of piracy, how little he seems to actually care for the safety and well-being of his own men (leave alone the danger he poses to Edward). Most of all he hates that he calls him 'Iggy'.
So when he challenges him to a duel, and he accepts, its only for Edward's sake that he sets the terms at 'banishment' and not 'death'. When he loses he finds he rather wished it had been to the death. (he doesn't understand, Edward wanted this, he hadn't even told him to stop, hadn't ordered him to stop)
He retreats to Spanish Jackie'z to lick his wounds and to work out a plan to pull Edward out of the steady march towards his own demise that he faces aboard the Revenge. Jackie, Izzy is fairly certain, knows about his curse to some extent (he suspects she doesn't abuse the knowledge for the sake of having a bargaining chip, should she need it), she talks him out of any corners the navy bloke with a grudge against Stede Bonnet inadvertently walks him into. She also runs him into Jack Rackham (and Izzy realizes, at the sight of the silver starting to peek its way through his dirty blond, that its been nearly ten years since they've last seen each other, that pain in his chest not any duller for it) and the last piece of the plan falls into place. Jack tries to talk him out of it, says its not a good idea, even offers him a position on his own ship (not that its his ship to offer anymore, since Annie took over captaincy and made Mary/Mark her first mate, but they've both always had a soft spot for Izzy on account of Jack's soft spot for Izzy, they'd be more than willing), not once does he order though and Izzy can't let Edward keep doing this to himself. Jack will understand when he sees him, Izzy says. Jack goes.
(Izzy hears, when the navy gunners crow triumphantly about hitting the dinghy, the one that Jack and Edward were in, the one that Edward jumped out of, he tells himself not to let it show when that pain in his chest comes back twenty-fold at the thought)
Edward claims the Act of Grace. He and Stede Bonnet leave to lick the king’s boots. Izzy doesn't make it a single day as captain. Edward comes back just before he goes overboard with the anchor to follow. He comes back wrong. Izzy can't take it. Edward can't take it.
The Kraken wakes and Izzy is introduced to the concept of a living hell. (even the captive crew stop trying to give him orders, at the haunted look in his eye, when they see how the Kraken orders him around, when he discovers Spriggs alive, if a lot worse for the wear, he doesn't even need the order to keep it under wraps, he doesn't want to know what the Kraken would order him to do if the boy is found out, he shudders at the thought)
When stupid fucking Stede Bonnet (and his marooned crew) finds his way back to the Revenge Izzy allows himself a single moment to feel relieved. Until, at least, the Kraken orders him to kill the man. He can't. He fights. The crew are all shouting at him not to, it eases the strain. The Kraken levels his pistol at his head, the crew goes silent.
'Israel, I order you to kill Stede Bonnet'.
His sword is in his hand. Stede's gotten better with his own sword, is managing to hold his own against Izzy (in truth, its mostly due to Izzy straining to not follow the order, but there is a marked improvement). The Kraken growls 'Kill him Izzy, fucking- kill him!' Izzy loses his sword to the mast again (he's grateful this time), his knife is in his hand a second later. He's got less reach than Stede does but Stede is trying not to hurt him. Why is he trying not to hurt him?
'Bonnet. Bonnet, you have to stop me. I can't. I can't kill you. I can't let him do that to himself. You have to. Run me through. Right here-' he taps his chest with his free hand, the one that isn't swinging the knife around, the left side, right over his heart '-only way to stop this. He might even listen to you afterwards.'
'Izzy. Izzy no.' In his shock, Stede lowers his sword. Izzy swears as he knocks it out of his hand. Presses close, crowds him against the doors to the captain's cabin, knife against his throat.
'Just fucking kill him already!'
A bead of blood wells under the tip of the blade. Izzy meets his own eyes in the polished reflection of his knife.
'Izzy stop fucking around and do what I told you to!'
His hands shake with the weight of the order. There are tears in his eyes, he can see them in his reflection.
A memory comes, unbidden: He, Edward, and Jack hiking through dense jungle to find a witch that Jack thinks might be able to break his curse, or at least tell them how to break it themselves. Her words 'I cannot break this curse Israel, this is something you must do for yourself. I can tell you this, however, to do this you'll need to face yourself. Face yourself and free yourself. That is all I can say, I'm sorry, I'd tell you more if I could.' They'd left disappointed, Jack cursing about scams and 'you can't even trust witches these days, man', Edward contemplatively silent.
Face yourself and free yourself. Izzy's eyes flick upwards to Stede's concerned face, back down to the blade. He meets his own eyes again.
'Izzy-' The rest of the Kraken's words go unheard.
Izzy tells himself, voice scarcely more than a breath: 'You will not be obedient.'
He feels, more than sees, Stede's gasp. He ignores it. His hand still wants to press the knife upwards. He tries again.
'You will not be obedient.' A little louder this time.
'The fuck did you just say-' Again.
'You will not be obedient!'
The knife flies across the deck, lands with a clatter. Silence (but for the sound of Izzy's labored breaths).
He turns, ignores the shocked crew, meets Edward's wide eyes with his own watery ones (when had the tears started falling so freely?).
'. . . Iz. . . ?'
Everything goes black.
#the dork is being a dork#izzy hands#jack rackham#mmmm i feel safe enough tagging#edward teach#stede bonnet#am i ever going to be able to imagine a cj that isn't in love with izzy? all signs point to 'no' lmfao#izzy is also in love with jack if that wasn't obvious#problem is a bit two-fold in that he's also still in love with ed AND there was an unintentional order in 'above all else is loyalty to your#captain' so even if he was emotionally aware enough to realize they were mutually in love he wouldn't have done anything about it#cj is the world's number one izzy respecter he worked SO hard to make sure izzy never had to do anything he didn't want to do#also he 100% survived the navy guys saw him survive but they didn't like izzy cause he's a pirate so they wanted to fuck with him#he finds his way back to the revenge sometime later (maybe with anne and mary/mark with him) and BEGS izzy to come with him#they compromise and start a fleet (jack stays on the revenge more often than not cause izzy stays on the revenge more often than not)#this COULD turn into stackedhands but its mostly cjizzy#and izzy/people who actually care about him and his well-being#which does start to include the crew post kraken#anyway izzy wakes up later in the captain's cabin and there are several uncomfortable talks to be had#(also i don't necessarily think ed realized he wasn't ordering izzy when jack was around)#(it was kind of like falling into old habits)#(while also knowing subconsciously that jack WOULD rock his shit for doing that to izzy)#(same with avoiding him thru the years)#(he knew he was fucking up with izzy but wasn't ready to face it and let himself be held accountable the way jack would make him do)
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sheerioswifties · 1 month
#so today i broke down and fully cried over realizing the reality that i probably won't be able to go see Taylor on this tour#and i felt so stupid for it like crying over not getting to see a concert seems so trivial and i mean so many reasons but like#and like i don't cry much anymore like I've been through and am in so much pain and horrible stuff constantly and so much stress and trauma#but I've built up strength to not cry over those things like if i did I'd just be crying nonstop so i channel my emotions into trying to#solve the problems and like still I'm so unbelievably stressed but like also as an empath i feel everything really deeply but usually lately#the things that make me cry are more like sweet animal rescue videos acts of kindness touching stories or really deeply inspirational or#relatable things in books etc but so like I'm like mad at myself for crying over this but#i checked the stubhub like prices for what tix are going for and it's fucking over 500 a pop for nosebleeds i just#it's infuriating the scalping and how many hard core fans are unable to go bc of that but rich ppl who aren't really fans i just. 1000 bucks#for 300 level is just no I'm sorry that's not ever gonna happen and i just#i really thought I'd just find tickets over time closer to the event like that's how I've done several concerts but then i looked and saw#that and I'm like oh my god and that's before fees and then there's the gas to get there the repairs that need to be done to the car to get#there all the other fees involved and in realizing oh my god like I've been overconfident and now i don't see a way and I'm so sad and i#just broke down its i know iy seems stupid but first this feels like something that might not happen again anytime soon if ever the way the#world is going out could be last chance and rep tour was the first time I'd been able to see Taylor to begin with and the experience was SO#amazing it's like the one thing i looked forward to this year that lifted me up in really dark times and again i feel shitty when there's so#many fans who never get to see her international too i just. I'm sorry I'm just like this breaks my heart on levels and like#i hate how money dictates everything i hate that i went to eds last tour tickets in the same venue were 30 DOLLARS and even the Taylor ones#i think were like 75 and now it's so high bc only scalping it's so fucked up and like I'm already in a really bad hole money wise bc of#an emergency issue that happened and I've got some scary medical things going on waiting on tests and having trouble with rent and food and#gas so like i can't even try to be like. you know? like justify trying to save up that much even when i got all this#i just.
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when it. turns into a bad night after a slightly manic day
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still have my 8 month long lingering chest injury that just came out of nowhere with no cause where it just flares up and I have a lot of pain near my collar bones and chest and shoulders for a few days, HOWEVER I have recently discovered that sometimes I can get temporary relief by sticking a wet q-tip up my nose to make myself sneeze, which on like the 3rd or 4th sneeze will occasionally audibly pop a little bone in the center of my ribs or something and then it doesn’t feel as bad. Hopefully there will be a better more comprehensive solution someday but also there would be a humor to that just being part of my regular routine forever now... like, oh hold on I have to go do my daily self induced sneeze sessions for my mysterious bone pain
#I've had an upper endoscopy. ekg. stress test and heart ultrasound thing. bee to a physical therapist. etc. etc. And still... the constant#recurring chest pains#The only think I can think of that they haven't done is like.. look look at the actual like.. situation in there#I think maybe I just need to ask for an x-ray or something?? like to look at my chest bones and muscles and stuff#maybe I hve some weird condition where once every few weeks one of my rib bones pops out of place a little and it just need#s to be put back or something hjbhj idk how skeletons work#I've heard of people saying like 'oh my knee popped out of place i just have to adjust it' or whatever so.. maybe that can happen#with other bones too???#I am EDS adjacent (like if it were a spectrum I would be halfway there I have similar and related issues in a way that is#not so severe that like my organs are tearing or I'm consantly having problems but enough to cause frequent joint pain#and other issues and I'm super felixible and etc.) so idk even if I'm not As Bad As Super Severe Official Cases maybe I still#could have some sort of weird bone join muscle whatever thing going on#IDK#pain and suffering and so on and so forth#I just think the sneeze solution is funny#I used to legit come home from school in elementary school and sit and watch cartoons while I made myself sneeze because I thought it was#funny and I liked that eventually it makes you really snotty and your eyes are teared up so then I could also make it seem like I was#just crying and act out dramatic scenarios with my imaginary friends alone in my room pretending I was in some very serious movie where#I had just been sobbing or somehting ghghbj#Now it has come back to be a useful part of my life again somehow
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mollusken · 5 months
who are those dnd love clerics of yours? what are their backstories, anyway?
Hiii being a sloth as is my nature!!!!! But thanks for asking so I can talk about them! :] I truly wrote half of this out and tumblr deleted it so just know I’m been THRU it to hand u this essay... I hope u enjoy HERE’S THE SUMMARY:
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(art by @camomills)
Seraphina was a cleric I originally played in a game about Gods dying. I made her to be someone who was unknowingly worshipping the wrong god. She ended up switching domains and later doing some introspection(/exploration) I realized she was much better suited to being a Love Cleric following Sune. Seraphina really worked hard to find herself and eventually built a convent where she would welcome other followers of Sune, teach esthetician courses, as well as hold sermons and discuss love and beauty as matters of philosophy and religion. She still struggles with letting people into her life in any meaningful way, and letting herself be truly vulnerable. That's where her story with Valentine really comes into play.
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Valentine is a cleric of Sune whom, upon being born, was foretold to sacrifice herself for love. She really wants to fall in love very badly and knows it is her duty more or less to do so, but there's a part of her that's still running away.
The tragedy of her story is that she often gives herself away in little ways; by handing people this unending love and letting that mean she shrinks herself, or lets herself be hurt in the name of it. She's too busy trying to fight her destiny  -- that of a Big Magical romance -- that subconsciously she is fulfilling it with every step she takes.
I think it's a fun dynamic; to have a character that's more or less running from reflection but very open with her love, and one that's found her path but still has to let herself trust, and explore intimacy.
That's really what they boil down to: both being followers of Sune but imbuing different aspects, and having each other as foils. When Valentine comes to stay at Seraphina's convent the two really connect and learn a lot from each other as equals.
They’re narrative foils, they’re friends with benefits, they’re life long friends and partners and confidants, they’re both so sexy and smart and cute, and they’re impossible to color because Val is so gd neon pink lmfao. THATS THE SHORT OF IT IF YOU’VE ENJOYED THANK YOU FOR ASKING AFTER MY GIRLS 💚 And if you want every gory detail the Long is down below!!!
LONG VERSION Seraphina was a half-elf cleric I originally played in a game about Gods dying and being replaced. I made her to be someone who was unknowingly worshipping the wrong god, which I think was originally some war god. After they fell she found out her powers were from Milil, god of music, but later doing some introspection(/exploration) I realized she was much better suited to being a Love Cleric, and follow Sune. She would later on in life become a huge proponent of self love and expression.
She was a non-committal wreck with a hot streak and a lot of baggage to work through. Her elf mother was distant. She had impossible to meet standards and no recognition of her as an adult, being wholly unfamiliar with human life spans. And her sisters who served as her rivals her entire life in a bid for their mother's affection, and they lashed out at each other in any way possible. Elaborate social games, physical fights, competing achievements; Seraphina was usually invested in the latter due to her aptitude with magic, and less of the first due to being considerably younger than her sisters.
When she realized that what she believed didn’t match up to what she was teaching, and having a bad home life and finding herself struggling to keep up in an environment not suited for her, she lashed out. Both at fellow students the way she used to with her more hardy sisters, and at the convent leaders. Thus she managed to get herself banished and excommunicated.
So very much in survival mode at that point. She lived with a few colleagues as much as she could before moving on, strung along some upper class gentlemen to keep herself within her former social class, lied, stole, etc.
It really wasn't until after her real God fell and she lost her powers that she had to do any kind of introspection and realize that hey, maybe she was like. not dealing with her issues by ignoring them and falling headfirst into substances, and maybe she needed to start taking care of herself and correct her behaviour including lashing out at others, and unpack her upbringing and religious programming.
I left the game after her arc (unrelated) which I would add a bit of a rewrite to later because I honestly don't know if she'd ever forgive her family within their collective lifetimes, even if she did still come about saving them. Also smh I curse my past self sometimes because I gave her an old fiance that came to find her - past me got shy & asked the DM to pull it - but that was honestly the funniest fucking thing. It would've been so good. I'm hilarious relationship drama is the SPICE of D&D & I should’ve trusted my gut smh.
Seraphina really worked hard to find herself and eventually built a convent where she would welcome other followers of Sune, teach esthetician courses, as well as hold sermons and discuss love and beauty as matters of philosophy and religion. She still struggles with letting people into her life in any meaningful way, and letting herself be truly vulnerable with them. That's where her story with Valentine really comes into play.
Valentine is a cleric of Sune whom, upon being born, was foretold to sacrifice herself for love. She grew up very modestly and without parents, just an old nursery maid who housed a small orphanage in her village. She was always a fierce lover. Her childhood was pretty stable compared to Seraphina, and she had a supportive community. Nevertheless as a young woman she decided to head out on her own journey to fulfill her prophecy.
Val is emotional, a little headstrong, and imbued with romantic tendencies that means she'll stop to help anyone who looks in her direction. Her kindness is definitely taken advantage of, and she's susceptible to looking past people's flaws for their strengths, but that doesn’t mean she loves less or stops giving as kindly.
She really craves falling in love and meeting her soulmate -- and she knows it is her duty more or less to do so -- but there's a part of her that's still running away from her fate. A part that still believes she’s not enough, she’s not ready, she doesn’t know how to do so.
So she lets herself get sidetracked with whatever - and whoever - catches her attention. This is how she's ended up in all the different little adventures I've played her in.
The tragedy of her story is that she often gives herself away in little ways; by handing people this unending love and letting that mean she shrinks herself, or letting herself be hurt in the name of it. Even just the amount of time she will dedicate to helping others, no matter the outcome. Good or bad, big or small gestures, she gives.
She's too busy trying to fight her destiny -- which she interprets as some huge giving-her-life-for-a-lover moment or Star-Crossed-Fate-Sealed romance -- that subconsciously she is fulfilling it with every step she takes.
I think it's a fun dynamic; to have a character that's more or less running from reflection but very open with her love, and one that's found her path but still has to let herself trust, and explore intimacy.
That's really what they boil down to: both being followers of Sune but imbuing different aspects, and having each other as foils. When Valentine comes to stay at Seraphina's convent the two really connect and learn a lot from each other as equals.
Seraphina embodies the beauty and self love aspect of Sune, while lacking connection to intimacy (although part of that is her being aromantic & not inherently desiring of romance). Valentine on the other hand, embodies romantic love and compassion but can't really accept herself or love herself as she continues to shy away from her prophecy.
They have a physical/sexual relationship alongside this-- I imagine that being a very open topic/concept with Suneites and that develops more organically in a society that views it as beauty, as self-care, as affection and romance. And less controlled by social stigma.
Although Valentine has a hard time separating her romantic tendencies sometimes and has moments of limerence for Seraphina. They speak freely about it - eventually lol, who would I be if I didn't cause SOME drama - and that helps her work through it. They continue to be good friends until the end of their lives.
Valentine ends up staying at the convent longer than anywhere else she travels. I pictured her eventually moving on, still trying to find the end of her fate. But I think strings would pull her back to visit.
I haven't got to play Valentine for a campaign; she was made for one-shots, so that's why she's a bit more open-ended and her story is the way it is. And although I still think Seraphina's story has places it could go, I think I found a pretty happy ending for her. SO THERE YOU ARE LORE DROP x2!!!!!!! I’m sure I can drop even more in-depth shit if you’re curious about anything else.... I know I have Seraphina family developed and can run thru Val’s adventures..... Or Swannie stuff I have so much Swannie lore..... they both meet her at some point too it’s all connected so....... yk what 2 do 👀 Thank u for taking an interest in my girls and have a good fuckin day just for giving me an excuse to scream about something!!!! 💚 WAHOO
#i hope this answer reaches u well#answered#my ocs#valentine#seraphina#lore drop#THE WAY TUMBLR DELETED ME POURING MY GOD DAMNED HEART OUT ORIGINALLY BC I ACCIDENTALLY CTRL Y-ED#HAD TO REWRITE HALF SO IM SORRY FOR THE DELAY#does not help i am long winded#i wish id done some of seraphina's things Cleaner or like#given her more faith as a character or really understood how to play her/drive her narrative#& im not sure how others read her during the campaign i worry she was only mean or reactive or like badly represented#idk she still holds a piece of my heart and i think she deserves to figure out her shit and live contentedly no matter how long it takes her#n i appreciate her beginnings n tried to shape it into something nice#sera was also my first Real dnd character so i was kind of operating off Canon Lore which is cringe#still wish i knew how that campaign ended & i have no right to answers since we dont talk but also. dm hmu lol#HONESTLY sera has a lot in common with Adaine like her fam had bells RINGINGGGGGG in my head THEYRE THE SAME#it was SO validating to see my story abt family standards and wealth and ELVES and SISTERS echo there#OK EXTRA VAL LORE NOW#val is honestly prob a reflection of anne w an e being out & me reading the first book lol i love her#and after playing sera for a long time i swung the pendulum in the other direction pretty hard#very fun to have her hold fast to hope and wonder in a way that might sometimes be childish naivety#but that also be a blessing in some ways#and have her be very serious#i think she still wants to trust and believe in ppl so bad#esp since she thinks of her story as a Huge Sacrifice shes more willing to let herself be pushed aside and more willing to jump for ppl#ALSO ITS NOT ALL BAD IM NOT SAYING THAT but it goes either way and her self worth suffers for believing shes nothing more than her fate!!!!!#ITS ABT THE TRAGEDY!!!!!!!#shes very simple in a way but beautiful for it n has a lot to say#she also lovesssssss a badboy she falls in love so fast smh its bad
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matryosika · 1 year
this is what i thought about when writing Inhale Me
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i wish i wasnt so consumed with how i look. but here i am
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sherlock-is-ace · 1 year
I made 15 frames(?) for my animatic and I'm really excited! Not enjoying the backgrounds but for over half of it it's gonna be basically just night sky so it's fine lol
I still have to learn how to draw a fucking seagull but whatever
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juuheizou · 2 years
not to be egotistical but writing is such a case of 'love the product, hate the process' no matter what kind
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campirebites · 8 months
u know what actually appreciation post for my joints because yes I’m in pain every day but I haven’t felt like I’ve needed my cane in a couple of weeks so thank u body ur doing a good job
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depressedoompaloompa · 2 months
You know our society encourages healthy behaviour in teenagers when all of the girls I am close to (like approx 10) complain on being fat, and two of my really close besties went below 16 BMI
I fucking hate men and capitalism and every single marketer that decided that the promotion of unhealthy body types is a good idea
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vaguely-concerned · 1 year
sometimes you will hear a small voice in your head that whispers '...but what if you did another playthrough of dragon age inquisition? like just to get those good good lore brain tingles going while we wait for the next game? it doesn't have to be a completionist playthrough or anything, we could get it done quick'. and I want you to know that is the devil speaking to you because he gets kickbacks on every moment spent farming power in the hinterlands
#brought to you by: I got knocked the fuck out by my booster shot and I am absolutely doing a replay right this moment#because honestly it's all I'm good for rn lmao#(...for all its faults I do love this mess of a game very much)#I would have the same instinct for mass effect andromeda except for the fact that I have 99%-ed that game fjdskalds#like I have content-fished the HELL out of that game there's literally nothing left to discover in it I haven't already found#(it's 99% because of 1 (bugged I think) relic thingy and I don't have the matchmaker achievement b/c I'm chronically not a multishipper)#I have done damn near completionist playthroughs of da:i too but that game is just... indefensibly large hahaha#(also both games are so overladen with overly complicated systems that drag them down; I hope we get less of that going forward)#I think I just miss the sense of almost zen-like peace I get from the bioware open world formula#those long stretches of absolutely nothing and then the motherlode of dopamine when you finally find something and the characters speak#I don't think that formula is good for the games but it *does* provide some meditative calm for me when I get hyperfixated#which like... we take our victories within our defeats in this house#I did the same thing with fallout 4 as with me:a btw. the era of bloated open world rpgs = bad for the art form and the industry#good for my poor tired brain#...can you tell how badly I need bioware to get their shit together and put out a game again fhksjfas#it's not my fault they got me with jade empire when I was still an innocent child and now no other games hit quite the same
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so I bought some noise-reducing headphones online (nothing fancy, like $15 on amazon) specifically to wear at work when I'm closing, but I tried them on at home and I kind of love them? like, they're good at work (although the noise level there means I'll probably wear earplugs in addition to these because that place is unjustifiably loud, even for a retail/restaurant environment) but I'm just sitting at my desk right now and I can't hear the refrigerator running anymore and I love it so much
#my post#personal#do not reblog#ignore the tags#tag rambles#(can i tag this as actuallyautistic if i haven't been diagnosed and am not 100% sure i'm on the spectrum?)#the only problem is that i live with my mom and she doesn't know that i've been thinking i might be on the spectrum#she's a special ed teacher (or was until recently when she (voluntarily) moved to an admin job) but she's also... kind of ableist?#like she's told me she doesn't think adhd is real and claims the guy who 'invented' it admitted on his deathbed that he made it up#which is obviously bullshit but this woman didn't vaccinate me as a child bc she read the polio vaccine was giving kids polio#and she also used to complain about her students pretty regularly. and it wasn't even always disruptive stuff it would just be like#'this student brought a stuffed animal to class' like yeah i've done that too what's the problem#she kinda stopped herself from giving that student very much shit bc i have a mountain of plushies on my bed + one clipped to my bag#(he's a little blue bunny keychain and his name is sylvester 💜 i got him from the jellycat website)#but like. still#and i just don't think she would react very well if i told her i think i'm on the spectrum#so i kind of have to hide a lot of my neurodivergent traits from her. like i don't stim in front of her except in 'acceptable' ways#(things neurotypicals also commonly do - like idly playing with silly putty - and even then it's only in my room)#anyway the point of this is that if she sees me in these headphones idk if she'll recognize them as noise-reducing#and even if she doesn't i don't want her to ask why i bought new headphones when i have perfectly good ones i got recently#so i just kinda have to hide my stim toys and stuff from her and hope she doesn't notice i've been showing my neurodivergent traits more#🙃
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mochapanda · 7 months
what if i just stopped taking classes i dont care about and by my last year/semester when all i have left is stupid shit i'll decide if i wanna drop out or not
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lattouji · 10 months
people who can just eat anything they want and not suffer in the physical and mental consequences: what’s that like
#yeah im getting into dodgy territory here#ive not been diagnosed w anything but im going to add ed cws for other folks#ed /#ed //#ed cw#ok it begins#i wonder when im going to have a normal person relationship w food#when i think about it im not sure i ever have#it’s kind of funnily ironic given i am a foodie and i love cooking and baking#i was raised not only with the whole southern idea that eating lots = healthy but also was hardly restricted with portions + snacks#so you can imagine how that went for me#up til high school anyway#i dont remember 100% of it but i think i had slowly and steadily grown insecure w my body n weight#and then one ✨ fateful ✨ day i found the scale in my parents bathroom#and so things went the opposite direction from there <3#i wont get into it because that’s another ordeal for another time#i weigh much less now but not underweight#and ive worked on kicking bad habits and feelings i developed#and ive done good!#but some stuff has still clung on#im laying here in bed regretting having a simple drink and nibble of some cereal#because i feel full and i can’t stand the feeling#not helping that im also wearing shorts bcus summer and i also can’t stand the feeling of my thighs rubbing together#anyway with food; now im at this dumb point where i cant go more than like 3-4 hrs without food or else my body Yells At Me#for example i know it when it hits because i’ll stand up and every part of me suddenly feels like a frail dead leaf in the cold#even disregarding the low blood pressure#which. guess how that got there. lol#im also on vitamins for iron because iron deficiency#aw fuck i hit the tag limit i gotta stop here anyway yeah me and food are in an unhealthy love-hate relationship <3#diary
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