#i am having a really rough weekend emotionally

[ingravinoveritas]

"I'm not quite sure where the character began and Michael ended."

- Michael Sheen in an interview in 2019.

[carolmunson]

satin spats (steddie x reader)

Hi. This is a semi-prequel to the Good Cop x Bad Cop trilogy. Showing that Steve had been slowly becoming more unhinged overtime about his innate need for control when it comes to feeling powerless against his father. A lead up to why Reader calling Eddie 'Daddy’ in GCxBC: Daddy Lessons was the nail in the coffin for him going off the rails. This features a really, like genuinely emotionally mean Steve and this has a big Eddie to the rescue focus towards the end.

warnings: 18+ smut, fem reader, VERYMEAN!STEVE, intense degradation/humiliation, choking/leash play, swearing, fighting, yelling, rough sex, p in v sex, oral (male receiving), really mean name calling, drinking, controlling behavior, etc.

“I really think you’re the perfect fit. You’re never late, you always know what’s happening in the office, you’re always taking on more than you can chew and then chewing it.” “Are you sure, Mr. Harrington? Is this really happening right now?” you asked, beaming. “I think you’ll make a great Executive Assistant – I’m offering you the promotion,” your boss said with a shrug, “You wanna take up the offer?” “Uh, yes!” you replied, your heart soaring after a year and a half of getting coffees and answering phones, “Absolutely yes! And it’s not…like, this isn’t because I’m with Steve, right?”

“My son has no bearing on where I see excellence, Stella,” he said as if he hadn’t just insulted his only son, “This is all you.” Your smile faltered a bit at the dig, but you were so happy that you didn’t want to let it bother you. You had really wanted this promotion in the office. You and Eddie did practice interviews for weeks (’Yeah, baby, show me how bad you want this promotion.’ ‘Ed be serious, please!’), he helped you streamline your resume, he made you French toast this morning on homemade brioche because he wanted you to ‘get promoted on a full stomach’. (’Ed I’m so nervous, I can’t.’ ‘You have to, sweet thing, you’ll feel so much better – and it took me forever to make that brioche so if you don’t eat it I’ll be really sad.’) “Mr. Harrington, I’m –” you were at a loss for words, “I don’t know what to say. I’m so honored! I promise I won’t let you down.” “I know you won’t. We’ll get you started in a week or so, while we get a new secretary on board,” he explained. “Okay! Great!” you squealed, “It’s really happening!”

“It really is,” he smiled back at you, “Give my son a call, we should celebrate later. We’ll do D’archenzo.” “I will, I will,” you said, getting up from the chair across from his desk, “Thank you so much Mr. Harrington.” “Stel, please, just call me Bill,” he pleaded. “Sorry – ugh, thank you so much Bill,” you said, at the door frame. You left his office, shutting the door behind you. Your face hurt from smiling. You scurried back to your desk and immediately called the boy who would be the most excited to hear from you. “Thanks for calling Danger Records. This is the guy who runs it,” Eddie’s bored voice rang through the phone, “How can I help you?” “Ed.” “Oh shit!” you could hear through his words he was beaming, “You got it. Holy shit, you got it!” “I got it!” you tried not to scream, bouncing up and down in your desk chair. “Oh babe, I am so proud of you. I knew you had it in the bag,” he cheered, “I’m so happy for you. How do you feel? Are you excited? You really earned it, sweet thing.” “I’m so excited, and I’m so nervous. I don’t know, it’s so many feelings,” you explained, jittery with enthusiasm.

“I’m so sad I’m closing, sweetheart,” he moped, “I would’ve had something put together for you for when you got home. Let me take my little Exec out this weekend.” You blushed at his new nickname, “Little Exec makes it sound silly.” “It’s not silly, it could never be silly, it’s you,” he said, adoration pouring through his words like honey. “But baby, I’m so sorry, I have to go. We got a couple people in here that need specifics – collectors. I’ll see you at home, okay?” “Yeah, yeah, okay! Um, Bill wants to take me and Steve out for a drink to celebrate at D’archenzo. But we’ll probably be back before you get home,” you said, sweat prickling under your dress at the thought of calling Steve. “Oooh, D’archenzo? My little miss money bags over here. Ugh, I can’t wait to see you and give you a big fat kiss. I love you,” Eddie’s smile was infectious, even if you couldn’t see it. “Love you too! I’ll see you tonight!”

You heaved a dreamy sigh at the praise and excitement. Sometimes it was nice to be cheered for, instead of the cheer leader. You picked up the phone off the receiver again and dialed Family Video slowly. Steve’s shift ended at 4 and it was 3:55, but you couldn’t will yourself to get the to conversation faster. “Family Video, this is Steve,” his voice was cheery, and accommodating.

“Hi Stevie, I’m sorry to call so close to the end of your shift,” you said. “That’s okay, baby, is everything okay at work?” he asked, concern lacing his tone. “No, no, it’s fine! It’s great!” you said, “I um – I got the job!”

“Oh…” he said, his voice still light but distant, “Was that today?” “Yeah, it was um, it was today,” you said, disappointment creeping into your chest.

“Well hey, congrats baby,” he said, his voice lacking the luster it had when he answered the phone. “Uh, your dad wants to know if you wanted to come meet us for celebratory drinks at 5. Do you wanna come?” you chewed on your lower lip, bouncing your leg anxiously. “And hang out with Bill?” he scoffed, “Oh yeah. That’s how I love spending my Friday nights off.” “Please?” you asked, your voice getting smaller. You heard him sigh, the kind he does when he runs his hand over his face, “Yeah honey, I’ll come. You going to Salvatore’s?” “D’archenzo,” you corrected. “Psht, of course he wants to do D’archenzo,” he muttered, taking a pause, “Yeah baby, I’ll see you there. Might be a little late, have to go home and change.” “That’s okay,” you said, a little breathily, “I’m excited to see you.”

“Me too, princess,” his tone made it sound otherwise. “Love you,” you said, meeker than you expected. “Love you, see you later.” Dial tone. You wished you had called Eddie second. –

You shifted nervously in the half circle booth at D’archenzo, eyes snapping from the door to your boss — nodding and smiling every now and again to pretend you were paying attention. The not so great thing about Bill is that he loved to hear himself talk, so it gave you a lot more time to think about how this night might go.

Steve didn’t like his father, that much was true. It was the grandstanding he did whenever he was around him that frustrated you — needing so desperately to be the King Steve he felt like his father wanted him to be. Cool, confident, a provider: all qualities his dad ingrained in him since he was a kid. The same kind of man he was, coasting through life with a winning smile and a law degree. But instead, Steve didn’t get the grades for college, much less a chance at Harvard. Now he was a Senior Manager at Family Video. Disappointed was the understatement of the century.

Your heart raced as you saw him come in and you sucked in a hard breath of air. He looked stunning, always making sure to look his best when it came to being around Bill. His brown and black sports jacket hugged him expertly over a patterned shirt, the collar undone just a bit so you could see the small gold Mary Magdalene pendant he wore on a chain that his grandmother gave him before she died. His matching pants were perfectly pressed, you could tell he was late because he went to go get them done at the cleaners. His leather shoes shining in the low light of the bar.

There was a mirror at the entrance and he nervously looked at himself in it, running his hands through his hair. You could tell he was tense but trying to appear to not be, trying to appear as cool, calm, and collected as he was when he came home ready to turn your ass bright red. After a final breath, he greeted the host with a stunning Harrington smile, nodding over to you and your dad’s booth.

“Hi, Stevie,” you said, plastering a big smile on your face.

“There’s my girl,” he said, his voice slightly lower than normal. He slid into the booth next to you and immediately put his hand on your thigh under the table. His thumb skittered over the hem of your work skirt, smoothing over your nylons. The touch made you feel safe, but you knew he was grounding himself – you were what was safe here. You wanted to fucking eat him alive on that table.

After a soft kiss on the lips, he turned his attention to his father.

“Bill.”

“Steven.”

You closed your eyes and let a breath out of your nose, trying to ease the tension by just existing between them. “Hi, are you folks dining or just– Oh, hey Mr. Harrington, good to see you again!” your eyes opened to the waiter at the edge of the table. Of course the waiters knew Bill, he came here all the time.  

“Just drinks, Marco,” Bill replied, “Thanks.”

“Ladies first, what can I get started for you?” Marco turned his right smile to you.

“I’ll get–”

“She’ll have a margarita on the rocks, no salt. Patron, please,” Steve responded without a beat. Your cheeks burned, you didn’t think he’d order for you in front of his father, but that was always how it was. Steve craved control around him, and you were the easiest tool. You were embarrassed, even though the the order wasn’t wrong – you could do it yourself – your thighs tightened at the gesture, the edge on his voice just right.

“And for you?” the waiter asked, patiently.

“Do you have Maker’s Gold Label?” he asked, his posture broadening.

“We do, sir,” Marco responded.

“I’ll take a double,” he said, “Thanks.”

“Steve,” you warned while Bill was distracted ordering, “Not tonight.”

He squeezed your thigh hard to remind you who you were talking to. He got in close to your ear, his Paco Rabanne cologne hitting your nose, practically growling, “Watch who you’re talking to.”

You nodded, your eyes falling to the dark walnut table in front of you, “Sorry.”

Steve always got bourbon when he was with Bill, because Bill always got bourbon. But just like Bill, Steve was a mean drunk when he spent the night with Maker’s. Eddie didn’t even allow it in the house anymore.

“Not even a bouquet Steve?” Bill asked after Marco walked away, “Your girl just got a big promotion and you didn’t get her a present?”

You could’ve just died, it was already starting.

“Bill, I don’t need—” you started.

“It’s at the house,” Steve replied coolly, “Not something I want to keep in my pocket in this part of town.”

You kept your eyes on the table, knowing there wasn’t a gift or flowers. You were more surprised he even agreed to come around. He was doing his best, this was always hard for him.

The drinks arrived with a beautiful cocktail waitress that Bill eyed hungrily, you caught her blush. Steve huffed, “Mom couldn’t make it, tonight?”

“Your mom’s at the Miami house,” Bill said with a wink. He picked up his drink.

“A toast,” Bill started, you raised your glass, Steve half raised his, “To Steve’s girl becoming the breadwinner.”

He let out a hearty laugh. Steve didn’t even clink his glass, just downed the double and slammed it back down on the table. Your heart sunk, you knew it stung him.

“Oh, come on Steven, don’t be a sore sport. House husbands are gonna be all the rage in the 90s,” Bill smirked, taking a slow sip of his whiskey. Steve looked dead behind the eyes, only moving to signal to a waiter he’d like another bourbon.

“Speaking of house husbands, your friend Ed, how’s he doing?” Bill asked.

“Eddie’s fine,” you said, “At the record store tonight, closing up shop.”

“And it’s not weird for you? Living there with Steve’s roommate?” he asked.

You shook your head no, heat bubbling in your chest. Steve’s roommate. Not the man who plowed into you on the couch after playing 'interview’ last night, the scratches down his back still bright red the next day. 'Means I did my job right, baby girl,’ he said when you apologized.

“No, no, we’re all really good friends. It works out nicely!” you enthused. Steve had checked out, nursing the new bourbon that was slipped in front of him, his hand still cupped on your thigh.

The next 30 minutes had been grueling. Between the men sitting on either side of you bickering and continuing to drink, to Steve telling the waiter, “She’s had enough,” when you went to order a second margarita, your head was swimming. Then the check came…

Steve reached for it, snatching the waiter wallet and taking out his own.

“Steven–” Bill started.

“I got it, dad, I got it,” he said, not looking up.

“I don’t think Family Video can cover this bill, sport,” Bill said with a chuckle.

“I have the money, it’s fine,” he said, slotting the bills into the folder and putting his leather wallet back in his jacket’s inside pocket.

“You have the money, because I have the money,” Bill’s voice became fatherly, in that know-it-all way. Calm and smooth, but with an air of authority. A waiter came by to collect the check.

“Mr. Harrington, please let Steve cover it,” you cooed, “He’s just trying to be like you.” Steve’s postured straightened, he pinched the inside of your thigh and you stifled a yelp.

“Can’t blame him,” Bill smirked, and down the rest of his whiskey and standing up, “Alright kids, guess it’s time to be heading out. Next time, Stel get’s the check. She’s making more than both of you boys.”

“I’ll be right back, just heading the rest room,” you whispered to Steve, scooting over to get past him out of the booth.

“I’ll meet you in the fucking car,” Steve hissed, slamming his hands on the table to get up. The glasses shook on the table and you flinched, following out of the booth behind him and heading to the bathroom.

“Woah, woah, Steve, you good to drive…” you heard Bill say, and a semblance of a frustrated, ’Jesus Christ dad, I’m fine,’ as you moved further to the back of the bar.

—

The car ride was silent, Steve wasn’t drunk but you could tell he was feeling the bourbon. He was morose, leaning back in his seat with one hand on the wheel and the other on his lap. He cast a few glances over at you while you leaned your head on your hand, elbow propped up on the ledge the car door window. You weren’t necessarily pouty, but annoyed that this whole day had become about Steve. You started it off so happy, and now you just wanted to take a shower and go to bed.

He pulled into the drive way and swiftly got out of the car, slamming the door behind him. You followed suit, taking small steps in your patent leather work heels, your hands jammed into your trench coat pockets in the cold fall air. You both met in the front hall, shedding yourself of layers, Steve tossing his keys noisily into the bowl on the cabinet by the door.

“Okay, that’s enough,” you said, your brows furrowing, “You had your little melt down, grow up Steve.”

He let out a dark chuckle, “Yeah, okay. Thanks big shot.”

“What is your problem?” you asked, incredulous.

“I am so sick of you coming to the rescue for me around him. You always do this. You embarrass me every, single, time,” he said, his voice raising, his hands animated while he spoke.

“I think you were embarrassing enough on your own! Slamming your hands down, shouting – what, are you a fucking child?” you asked, “And don’t get me started on ordering for me and telling me when I’ve had enough. We were with your fucking dad, Steve. I’m a big girl, I think I got it.”

“Oh yeah, my big girl and her big new job, how could I fucking forget? Remind me again how much fucking better you think you are than me,” he hissed. He slung his suit jacket over the coat rack and huffed into the kitchen, wrenching open the fridge and taking out a beer, slamming it closed.

Fine, two could play at this game.

“Sure,” you shrilled, following him into the kitchen. You reached into your purse, grabbing a wad of $20s, “Here’s your fucking money back.”

The bills showered over him, some hitting him in the face. He leaned his lower back against the counter. Nodding slowly, his face stoic and cold.

“I asked the waiter to put it on my card, instead,” you said, your eyes boring into him, “Because I knew it was too much for you until you got paid again.”

“Hm,” he said, his jaw tense. Still nodding slowly while he put his beer down behind him and rolled up his sleeves. He pushed himself off the counter, and walked through the archway into the living room, placing himself on his favorite arm chair. You looked at him with your arms crossed, walking through the living room to the stairs.

“Don’t forget, you’re still free use this week,” Steve asked, his voice low and menacing. Your back straightened hearing the quiet anger in his voice. Fuck, you were free use this week.

“C'mere, big shot,” he said. You obeyed with a huff, walking over the to arm chair and looking down at him.

“What? What do you want?” you asked haughtily.

“Get on those knees before I make you,” he said, pointing at the ground between his feet. You began to kneel before he stopped you.

“Take this working girl shit off, first,” he said, tugging at your skirt and blazer. You stripped while he watched, blankness behind his eyes, it made you nervous. Maybe you went too far. No, fuck it, he went too far. He was being ridiculous.

You got down on your knees, naked, in front of him. Sure he’d make you suck his cock and then you go take a shower and go to bed.

He let a finger trace over your lower lip, pulled it back, and unbuckled his belt, slipping it around your neck. Not too tight, but just enough. You understood now that this was punishment, not funishment. He needed to feel in control again.

“Does he know?” he asked, pushing your hair out of your face. “Does who know what, Steve?” you asked, annoyed. He pulled at your make shift leash, gagging you in the process. “Does Bill know that you come home from being a know-it-all at work and call his loser son, 'Daddy’?” his voice boarding the line between salacious and scary.

“Does he know that you get punished when you don’t follow my rules? That Daddy makes you do chores and behave just like he wants?” he leaned forward in his seat resting his forearms on his knees. The leather of the belt hanging loosely between his legs in front of you. 

“That you like getting put over my knee and spanked like a little girl?” he got right in your face, you whimpered as the pressure on your throat tightened.

“Big shot, huh?” he said, “What, can’t take it?”

“Steve, the last t-time you–” he pulled tighter, your face reddened as you choked.

“Don’t fucking call me Steve when you’re in my fuckin’ house,” he hissed, “I own this fuckin’ house.”

He loosened the pull of the belt, “Sorry, Daddy,” you whisper softly.

“Good, that’s what I wanna hear,” he said, tapping your cheek with his fingers. He stood up, leaving some slack in the leather he held in his hands. You followed suit.

“Sit on the couch,” he said. You gingerly sat on the center cushion, your hands on your lap, waiting for your next instruction. Steve stood in front of you parting your legs with his knee, he undid his pants parting his own legs so his slacks and underwear would rest on his thighs.

“So, big league exec assistant. Show Daddy how sorry you are,” he said.

Your eyes brimmed with tears. So this is what he thought of your accomplishment. You took his cock in your hands, silky and smooth to the touch, achingly hard – you were almost scared of it. You let your flattened tongue glide from the base to the tip, sucking softly on his head, then mid shaft, and back to his head. Your tongue gliding expertly in your mouth, sucking in your cheeks just tightly enough, but not all the way. Not until you pulled him all the way into your mouth, his tip dipping down the back of your throat. You opened up your throat to accommodate him, groaning as you did, looking up begging him to make eye contact with you, to tell you that you were doing so good. He didn’t.

“Shit, that’s it. That’s how you got that promotion, hm?” he groaned, gripping your hair, “Suckin’ all the guys at the office like this? So they’ll all report to my dad how good you are?”

You moved your head back, taking him out of your mouth, you wanted to cry, “That’s not…That’s not how I got the job…”

“Must be, how else you get so good at putting dick that far down your throat?” his glare down at you was brutal, “I see those little outfits you wear to work, of course you’re the office whore.”

“I’m not,” you said, tears starting to spill down your cheeks. He tightened his pull on the belt again, you gagged out of your cry.

“You don’t get to tell me what you are,” he said, a chill whipped through your chest. “I do,” he said, pulling at the belt so you stood up. He hoisted up his pants, leaving them undone. He walked you over to the credenza, leaning you over it so you looked in the big ornate mirror on the wall, seeing him behind you. You watched him in the reflection tug his pants down again. He didn’t check if you were wet or not, just slammed himself into you, looking down at your ass, leaving a hard smack on it to watch it bounce back against his hips and hand.

“You know what you are, big shot?” he asked, looking at you in the mirror, “You’re a worthless fucking whore. C'mon, I wanna hear you say it, look at me in the mirror and say it.” “I’m a…I’m a worthless fucking whore,” you whimpered. “That’s right,” he grumbled, rutting mindlessly into you, “A stupid fucking slut.”

“Steve…” you said, hurt from his words paining your face. You watched the belt tighten on you neck in the mirror. You watched your face bloom red.

“Respect me in my fuckin’ house,” he said.

“Daddy, that’s…you’re being really mean,” you choked out.

“Really mean? Yeah?” he mocked, a sly grin pulling up his lips, “You wanna hear really mean, baby doll?”

His pace quickened while he held the pressure on the belt around your neck.

“You got that fuckin’ job because of me. You didn’t get all obedient without Daddy telling you what to do all the time. You didn’t work harder without me telling you what you needed to do. You didn’t get all that extra work done at home without me staying up and helping you figure out the fuckin’ budget books. I made you, you ungrateful bitch,” his voice getting more ragged with every sentence. The belt getting pulled a little tighter with every thrust.

“Talked you up to my mom so she’d talk you up to my dad. You didn’t do shit for that job,” he spat, “All you’re good for is being Daddy’s toy.” You tapped out.

Unable to speak, barely able to breathe, you slammed your hand down three times on the cradenza to get him to stop. He let go, gently taking the belt off and sliding out of you, you winced at the burn.

“Baby…” he said, his voice soft, “Baby, I didn’t mean…” You turned around, sobbing, “Yes you did, you did mean it.” “No, no,” he wrapped his arms around you, “I was just��you know how I get after I see Bill.” “You weren’t playing the p-p-part St-steve, that’s-that’s-s-s what you really th-thiiiiink,” your last words drawn out as another sob poured out of your body. “Oh baby girl, no, I promise,” he said, pulling back, “Hey, hey, let me look at your neck, okay?” “No, no,” you said, squirming out of his touch, “I don’t want you right now. I–” The front door opened, Eddie pushing it open with his hip, his hands full with a big bouquet of roses and a couple of records, “Where’s my little exeeeeccccc!” he sang out, a smile on his face. As he turned to kick off his shoes, he saw you both standing in the living room. His smile fell. “What’s going on in here?” he asked, gently placing the roses and records down on the cabinet. He slid his sneakers off and padded into the living room, his eyes filled with concern at you crying, naked in the mirror. “Oh sweet thing, what happened?” he asked, wrapping you up in his arms. You fell apart in his chest. 'Is she okay?’ he mouthed to Steve over your shoulder. Steve walked away and laced his fingers over his forehead, his head leaning back slightly. “What happened, baby?” he asked, pulling you a little away from his chest to look you over, “Were you playing and it was too much?” “She tapped out, Ed,” Steve said from the kitchen, in the same position. “He said I only got this job because I’m a whore,” you cried, “He said he made me. He–he leashed me with his b-belt again.” Eddie looked up at Steve, he was pissed. This was supposed to be your day. Eddie pressed a kiss to your temple, “Go upstairs, sweet girl. I’ll come make it better in a minute.” “I’m gonna take a shower,” you said. You felt dirty and degraded. The day was ruined, you padded up the stairs, stopping when you heard Eddie talking again. “That’s the third time in a week and a half that she’s safe’d out with you, Steve,” Eddie was livid, “What the fuck is wrong with you?” “Nothing, Ed, we’re just trying new things,” Steve muttered, he was quiet. “Bullshit, Harrington! Don’t lie to my face, come on!” Ed was full on yelling, “I saw her fucking neck, man. You know she hates that shit. She fucking hates it.”

“She was breaking my r–” Steve’s voice cracked. “I don’t care man. I don’t CARE what rules she was breaking. She doesn’t like the belt around her neck, so we don’t do it. Why can’t you just–Is this–wait is this all cause of Bill? Was tonight about Bill?” Ed’s voice shrilled up through the hall way and through the stairs. “Tell me this shit tonight isn’t about drinks with your dad,” You could tell by the sound of his voice that Eddie got to the point of being so mad he was smiling. If you were a betting woman, you’d guess he’d punch Steve next. Steve didn’t say anything for a minute, “She just…every time she just makes it worse.” “Steve, whatever shit you have going on with your dad is YOUR PROBLEM! She’s not the PROBLEM! She is a PERSON!” he yelled, “You can’t come home and beat on her just because you’re mad at your dad, that’s not how this shit works! She’s not your fucking punching bag when your feelings get hurt, Harrington! She’s your girl. She’s our girl.”

“This was such a big fucking day for her and I come home to her crying?! Cause her boyfriend said she’s an office whore? What’s wrong with you, man?” Ed’s voice was high and angry. “Go take a walk, man. Go figure it out,” he said, you could hear him heading over to the stairs. You scurried to the bathroom to shower before Ed could catch you listening. When you got out of the shower and into the bedroom, Ed was sitting on the bed in his boxers re-reading The Two Towers (for the millionth time). The bouquet of roses in a vase on on the dresser. He looked up from his book at you, “Angel vanimelda.” “Beautiful Angel?,” you asked, wrapped in your towel at the door. “See, the more elvish I speak to you, the quicker you’re learning it,” he said, closing the book and putting it on the side table. He got up, getting chest to chest with you and without a word pulled you into a deep kiss. One hand resting gently on your face, the other snaking around your waist. When he pulled away, he looked at you sweetly, “Congratulations, baby. I’m so proud of you.” Tears filled your eyes again, that’s all you really wanted to hear. “Thanks, Ed, thank you,” you said with a quick sniffle, wiping them away. “I don’t think Steve meant what he said, I think he’s just – I don’t – figuring his shit out. But I’m here,” he pointed to himself, “And I’m saying fuck that guy, and you’re the most badass girl I know, aside from Nancy Wheeler because she has guns, and you earned that job.” You laughed, and let him kiss you again, he broke away and tilted your chin up, “Just checking out your neck, baby. I think it’s okay. Definitely gonna be red tomorrow, but I’ll make sure it doesn’t bruise up.” “Better not bruise up, I have to go be an executive assistant next week,” you smiled, the cry from earlier settling down in your chest. “That’s my girl! My little exec!” he cheered, pulling a bit at your towel so that it dropped to the floor, putting his hands on the smallest part of your waist. He looked you over and bit his bottom lip, his stare made you squeeze your thighs together. “So, since you got the job, can we not play 'interview practice’ anymore?” he asked, “Cause I really liked that game.” “We can play, on one condition,” you smirked, pulling him in, feeling his warm chest against yours. You pushed up on your tip toes and got in his face, “I get to be the boss this time.” Eddie became stupid almost immediately, barely containing his excitement, “Oh fuck yes, baby. Yes. Fuck. Oh my god, fuck. Be my fuckin’ boss any day, Jesus Christ.” — You had fallen asleep long before Steve had gotten back in the house. The forty minutes you spent sitting on Eddie’s face while he devoured you into, and you counted, seven orgasms, really tired you out. He definitely would’ve gotten the promotion if you were the boss. You slept soundly while the front door opened, the moonlight shining into the front hall. Steve closing it gently behind him, and taking his shoes off. You didn’t hear him sniffling or see him wiping his eyes with the heel of his hand while he sat in the dark in the living room. Cradling his head in his hands. Looking over at the money on the floor in the kitchen, his belt still on the cradenza, wracking his body with another flurry of breathy silent cries. “Pull it together, Harrington,” he whispered, the grogginess of his sobbing staining his voice, “Pull it together for her.” He got up, tears still pooled in his eyes, and reached into the inside pocket of the sports jacket he slung over the coat rack earlier that night. Fishing past his wallet, he pulled out a card and a little velvet box that had been there the whole night. He trudged into the kitchen and put them on the kitchen table, popping the box open to reveal the contents, leaving the card next to it with the note open. He picked up the money and neatly organized it, shoving it into his pants pocket. He slid his belt into his pants and trudged up the stairs, resigning himself to the man-cave couch that night. There was a reason Steve couldn’t totally afford to buy drinks tonight, but it wasn’t because he wasn’t making enough money. On the kitchen table, in the velvet box, sat a pair of ruby stud earrings you saw at the jewelers a month ago when Steve stopped in to get his watch cleaned. He watched you coo over them and knew you had to have them, he bought them two weeks later when you said you were going up for the Exec job. He knew you’d get it, you were too good. Next to the box, a simple note: To my best girl, You never fail to impress me. Love, Steve

[losingfayth]

i'm in love with my ex-girlfriend

"oh, wow, good for you. what a unique experience. i've never heard that before."

okay, yes, fair, but also, like... i wasn't really "in love" with her while we were dating. we only dated for a few months, and we threw the terms around, but it was more wishful thinking than anything else. when we broke up, though, i didn't get over her. then, as time went on...

i'm in love with my ex-girlfriend

i wasn't sure about it at first. after all, we both recognize that we have some sort of special connection with each other. i've felt the connection with one or two others in the past as well. i was hesitant to say "love." maybe my therapist's phrase "hung up on" is more accurate. but then, last night, i was reading (a book she suggested) and looked up to the empty spot beside me on the sofa. i imagined her sitting there, also enveloped in some novel, taking a second when she saw i was looking at her, and flashing me the big, goofy smile she does when she wants to say "i'm having a nice time but i don't genuinely feel like smiling, so imma do a goofy one so you know i'm having a nice time." it's more like baring her teeth than a smile, really. all mouth, no eyes. kinda like that emoji. it's adorable.

i'm in love with my ex-girlfriend

this, of course, presents some problems. after all, we are each others' ex-girlfriend for a reason. the most prominent reason being that, while neither of us felt a strong romantic love for each other during the course of our relationship, she was in love with someone. that someone being her ex-boyfriend. that's all well and good (well, not really) but she refused to break contact with said ex. she was intending on spending time with that ex in person. i set a boundary. she broke it off. she stayed with him and his family over the holiday.

i'm in love with my ex-girlfriend

i am so incredibly fucked

even just thinking about it now is getting me so incredibly worked up. i'm having actual physical reactions to the thoughts. i can feel the discomfort travel through my spine, into my neck, down my arms. this ex of hers became her ex because he, very suddenly, started treating her very badly. emotionally and verbally abusing her, primarily. we started dating almost immediately after the two of them broke up. i knew it was a stupid idea. of course i did. but have you ever felt that electricity with somebody? have you ever had new life breathed into you with every word from their lips? i'd had crushes before. i'd had crushes on friends before. but this girl... she lit a fire in me when i never even knew i could burn.

i'm in love with my ex-girlfriend

i am so incredibly fucked

we decided to move forward as friends. i told her i would stop lying to her to make her feel better (something i was in the habit of). of course now i can't really be honest, can i? i can't very well waltz up to her and say, "not only have i not gotten over you, but i'm in love with you!" it's a lie by omission, sure, but it's still a lie. i did tell her she had to start treating me like her ex-girlfriend and not just a friend. i told her i didn't want to hear about her dating life and i most certainly didn't want to hear about her ex. now i'm stuck in this limbo. is she seeing anyone else? is she seeing him again? i think it's somewhat obvious that i still have feelings for her, between the demand not to hear about her dating life and the numerous declarations of "i've missed you so much" when we talked for the first time in a while last weekend. granted, i was going through a lot in the rest of my life and she hasn't been the most present friend, so i expect she could assume i was just in a vulnerable place and glad for the company of somebody i trusted. because i do trust her. she's the one person i do trust, ironically. it's been a really, really rough few months, and she's been the only person to really try and see it through with me.

the only person i trust is my ex-girlfriend

i am so incredibly fucked

it is ironic because a few months ago she was the one person in my life who i didn't trust. but difficult times often show you who people truly are, and in my difficult time she revealed herself to be a treasure to me. my hero. my knight in shining armor. my weed smoking, english teaching, skyrim and animal crossing addicted knight in shining armor. also, very inconveniently, my ex-girlfriend. so what's a girl to do? well, according to my psychiatrist, my therapist, my classmate, and my coworker, i should cut her out of my life. it's not healthy to try and remain friends with her. she broke my heart and i'm not really in the best place right now if another heartbreak rears its ugly head. last week i had a full on breakdown, drinking alcohol for the first time in a year. the past few months have been peppered with me being a little too loosey goosey with the dosage of my anxiety meds, leading to at least one or two days i don't fully remember. not just for funsies, by the by, but because of genuinely horrid shit that i had to put up with, along with generally overworking myself as a junior in college with an internship and a job, desperate to make it our the door with my degree before i turn twenty-seven next year. i was really at the end of my rope. i was ready to be done. then my ex and i talked for the first time in a few weeks, and i realized that i'd fallen in love with her throughout all of this. what's more, at the end of my rope, with no other real friends, an abusive family, no joy in my life, no hope in the future, no faith in myself, a chilling thought came upon me.

my one reason to live is my ex-girlfriend.

i am so. incredibly. fucked.

so, what's the plan? how do i move forward from here? well, as far as she goes, we've made a commitment to try and talk at least once a week on video call (we live in different states and the drive is doable but not great). we've made plans to get together once her semester is over. we're going to a concert together in may and talked about going camping together. i'm really hoping that either my feelings fade or her feelings flourish during this time. i'm really, really hoping for the latter, but i don't have much control over that. i have been learning some songs on the guitar that i'm hoping to impress her with. i'm reading the book she recommended. i'm playing her favorite video game. i don't really have the strength of will to do anything for myself right now, so doing things for her is a good motivation for me to get out of my rut. i'm enjoying the book and the game on their own. i like learning the guitar. it's just that the depression has gripped me so severely of late that i lost all ability to do these types of things for me. so instead i'm doing them for her. at least for the time being.

i'm in love with my ex-girlfriend

some things are clearly getting to me more than they should. for example, the book she recommended was dedicated to someone with the same first name as her ex-boyfriend. the one she was (and possibly is) still in love with. i figure she didn't notice, or if she did, she didn't think about it, because why would she? it has nothing to do with the book. it's purely a coincidence. but i had to wait until the next day to start reading the book once i noticed. i obviously still have some things to work through. i'm trying to do that through writing, and after a long debate about if/where i should publish said writings, i decided on here on tumblr. tumblr is not my domain, by any means, but it has the long-form text post support that i'm looking for and is filled with other angsty, mentally-ill queers, so i'm in good company. one of those queers i know for a fact is my ex-girlfriend, but she blocked me here when we broke up and never remembered to unblock me. i'm sure she would if i mentioned it (yes, really), but i really don't want her to (not cope) because i can't stand the idea of stalking her social media for things to make me upset, nor can i stand the idea of her stumbling across my ravings and shooting me a message saying "hey, uh, i found your tumblr post..." i don't really want to know how she really feels towards me right now, because i have a strong feelings she's not feeling the same way as me.

she's not in love with her ex-girlfriend.

i am so incredibly fucked.

[bekkathyst]

Sometimes it really hits me how much has happened since I’ve been on this website and have had my little shop. Idk if it’s nostalgia or just procrastination of my current to-do list but I feel like writing out a little synopsis of what’s happened over the years lol. Also for any new followers, you can catch up haha

Also there will be some vague mentions of rough/traumatic circumstances, so just a warning!

I opened my first tumblr account when I was still in high school in like 2009 because all my friends were on here. I had like a fashion blog at one point, a recipe blog at another, but eventually I settled into my little witchy nature crystal niche where I felt the most at home.

In 2013 I was living in a horrible studio apartment in central Los Angeles with my now husband Antonio and we were living in poverty. He was being paid under the table below minimum wage and I was an unemployed high school dropout. I was struggling to find any kind of job and I also knew that it would be impossible for me to keep one because of how I am. (Which at the time I didn’t realize was the result of neurodivergence and a lot of trauma). I was just happy to be away from the abusive home I grew up in and I was really determined to make things work somehow, as impossible as it seemed. Eventually I decided I needed to just work for myself. A job wasn’t going to fix anything for me, and where I was wasn’t safe for me to be walking to and from a job anyway. I dealt with a lot of harassment every time I left my apartment so I pretty much became a hermit for the years I lived there.

One weekend with $10 from our grocery budget I went to a little shop that sold tumbled stones on the Redondo Beach pier and decided to buy a couple and some wire and make some pendants. I also had quite a few stones from my collection from childhood and I used those, too. And I opened my first Etsy shop! I honestly cringe when I look back at pictures of my work from this time, I’d really like to think I’ve come a long way lol.

It took several months to get a single sale and at least a year before I had any kind of consistency. For the next couple of years I worked on my little shop while Antonio went to work. In 2015 we decided that my shop was making just enough for us to work on it together and move somewhere else. So we ended up finding a mobile home for rent on some lady’s horse ranch in the mountains of unincorporated riverside county and we moved there.

We planned to stay for quite a while, but before even a year had passed, life drastically changed again. In early 2016 my little sisters came forward about the abuse they were facing and our father was arrested and a years long criminal court case began. Because my mother was undocumented and had spent the last 20 years pretty much just hiding at home, all their care fell on me. We took in my mom and my 3 sisters and had to move. We found another manufactured home in the same area and we all moved in together. I was truly not financially or emotionally prepared for this and it was extremely difficult. On top of that we were all very traumatized. I had not yet been open about the abuse I had faced because I wasn’t ready.

Amid that struggle is when my mom decided to start working with us as well! And she helped us grow our shop some more until we were a little more stable. Eventually we realized we had to find a bigger home and in 2017 I finally got to realize my goal of living in the big mountains and we found a lovely big house in Big Bear.

Actually during this time I have gaps in my memory so there are some things I start to mix up, but shortly after we moved I also decided to come forward about the abuse I faced which unfortunately further complicated the court case. We were looking at a trial date in 2018 which would eventually get pushed to 2019. But during 2018 my niece was born and I also ended up taking in one of my half brothers as well. So our household was now 9 people that were all surviving off of my shop’s income. Also during this time (I think it was actually 2017) we had been talking to one of our suppliers about taking over their wholesale warehouse near Los Angeles. It was presented as a huge business opportunity and I saw it as a chance to better things for us and hopefully ease the struggle. Taking this opportunity actually did the exact opposite. We were quite honestly deceived and ended up being straddled with a failing business. I lived 2017, 2018 and most of 2019 in a haze. Like I mentioned, I really don’t remember much and sometimes I see posts I made during that time and I’m really surprised by them. I think it was just the combination of extreme stress, burn out, sleep deprivation from trying to run 2 businesses and taking care of a massive household, and the trauma of having to recall all these repressed memories from my childhood.

But, somehow I survived. The plus side of coming forward about my abuse is that it gave me access to free therapy and I ended up finding the most incredible therapist that helped me start my healing and recovery from burnout.

Eventually in early 2019 our court case happened and we all testified in front of a jury, and our father was found guilty and is now serving a 300 year plus sentence. It took me the rest of that year to come out of the haze I’d been living in. After the court case, I decided to take the leap and open our brick and mortar shop in Big Bear. It was the thing I actually wanted to do with all my heart.

Then… 2020 came around. Covid hit and it was the final nail in the coffin for our warehouse business. We closed it and gave up. My other half sibling that was working at the warehouse ended up moving in with us as well and so did a friend of mine, so at this point our household was at 11 or so people and we were beginning a pandemic. I had also found out that I was pregnant.

Finding out I was pregnant caused the biggest flip of a switch in my brain. I knew I couldn’t keep living the way I was living anymore. I couldn’t keep burning myself out and over extending myself to people. I had to put up some kind of boundaries and create a healthier environment. With the help of my amazing therapist supporting me, I made this a reality. It’s also when I finally decided that as soon as we could, we’d be moving to Austria, the country my mother was from, where I had also lived as a young child. I knew I had to make life better, I knew I had to release all of this chaos.

In early 2021, still of course in the middle of a pandemic, our landlord said he wanted to sell our house so we needed to move out and he would not be renewing our lease. This was right when the housing shortage really started to hit our area. I had an infant daughter and all these people in my care and I was very scared. By some miracle we found a listing for a house in the high desert, about a half hour away from our brick and mortar shop and we went for it. We knew we had no other options. At this point most of my household went their own ways and found their footing. So me, Antonio, our infant daughter, my mom, my youngest sister, and my toddler niece all moved to this house in the desert. I knew that this was temporary and I told myself I would not be here for longer than a year. Once our year lease was up, we’d make it to Austria.

It was a lot of work and honestly I probably could have made some smarter choices now that I look back, but early 2022 we sold all our inventory from our brick and mortar shop to a wholesaler and closed it up. And then we moved!

And now here we are, a continent away from where we started. Much happier, much healthier. Now we’re not selling nearly on the scale as we were before, but I know that with time we’ll be back to the level we were at. And I really hope to open a brick and mortar store somewhere in Austria sometime soon.

It really amazes me that some of you have been here from the beginning. It feels like several lifetimes have passed, but it also feels like it all happened in the blink of an eye.

I’m really so thankful for the opportunity I had to grow and learn so much and heal. I feel like I’m a completely different person than the desperate girl who started an Etsy shop in 2013.

And… this is just the tip of the iceberg. There’s still so much more that happened. When I first started seeing my therapist she encouraged me to write my story in a book, and it’s definitely something that I plan to do one day. I don’t think a younger version of myself would believe everything we survived. 🙏💜

[axgmented]

a little bit of an explanation as to whats happened in my life, to keep yall up to date if you wish.

idk really how to start this off, so if it seems a little jumbled & out there I'm sorry!

it's been three years since i left my ex "husband". So by legal standards, no we weren't married. I had a place holder ring. Stayed with him for 9 years. He was emotionally abusive, narcissistic, and isolated me from my friends. Honestly, I can't even put plural for that-- I was "allowed" one friend, and that was the girl who is practically my sister from HIGH SCHOOL. And even then? it was a big to-do if I wanted to spend time with her. I never got to see my mother, who I have a strained relationship with already.

In those three years, I have bought a house (i dont recommend doing what I did. Just.. explore your options.) My situation was that my mother didn't want me living with her anymore and thats fine-- she is entitled to her own space and what not. I'm grown, 30 years old this year, and she has raised me so I get it. I bought this house hastily and to its credit it's a great little starter house for two people. Only issue is, it's small but like I said I just wish I had waited a little bit and shopped around, but I felt the quicker I could get out the faster I could get my cats back! And did.

I've also gotten a new car, a better position at my job (but fuck that place tbqh. grateful for the paycheck but man... 6pm-6am is ROUGH when you are chronically ill.) and....maybe....just maybe... a new partner. I've went from 21lbs to 150 (and that was honestly all in the first year-- I've maintained that weight just about constantly for 2 years running now).

But with new changes, there isn't always a silver lining.

My depression got bad, my anxiety worse, I've developed new health issues such as POTS (thats really fun to have in a warehouse work setting in the middle of summer), seizures (these are non-epileptic), and as of today, chronic hives (and I thought eczema was hard to deal with) on top of my insomnia just absolutely taking the piss out of me. Then one of my moms got into an accident on 4th of july weekend, my co-worker just had to be taken off of a vent because he was denied a lung transplant (guy was only in his 60s if best) & I've fallen out of friendship with what used to be a good coworker (who is now my boss...it's going exactly how you'd imagine lol). Something happened with my partners family, but that's for them to share if they wish.

So all in all 2024 has been absolutely KICKING my ass but I'm still here. I'm sorry for having to disappear for so long, but I do not have the spoons to be here constantly. I am trying to get back into the swing of things, since they're adjusting my medicines and trying to get me on the correct dosages and what not (i've had Serotonin Syndrome & thats' drastically cut what medicines I can have with my mental health, in half.

In short, thank you for sticking with me this long & I hope to come back in full swing eventually, but I'm just slowly trying to chip away at everything and your patience means a great deal! Small little note, my handle used to be Loh on here-- ive changed it to Runnii! (or Rune) and I hope you guys like it!

[rianafying]

i’m having a really bad day emotionally. idk if it’s my period hormones or bpd but i’m just in a really sucky mood today. yesterday i recovered from one illness that i had since late jan. i’ve been desperately waiting to feel better and this morning i woke up with another kind of illness. and i’m doing my best to recover from this as well. and something triggered my abandonment response and im just having a really really hard time right now. and i can’t even freely talk about it to anyone or even write about it in my journal. i’m just. so sad right now. i’m not abandoned but i feel that way. i have been feeling abandoned for a while now and a small thing that happened last night really amped it up. then this morning i woke up with a crazy amount of physical pain and fever from said illness and im also severely dehydrated because i have been too upset to drink water so i’ve been forcing myself to drink lots of water all day. and had to take painkillers and sleep the fever off. all by myself. i hate being by myself. but it was worse when i was living with family back in bangladesh. somehow i felt even lonelier and more horrible there. lately i’ve had very little hope about myself and my future. i’m just going through a rough time mentally. so are my loved ones. i’m sobbing as i’m writing about this. this isn’t even bad. like it’s just my mental illness over reacting and my hormones possibly amplifying the negative emotions. but nothing terrible has actually happened it’s just that i wanted something and i can’t have it and even in my dreams, my desires plague me. it all sounds vague but that’s on purpose because i can’t openly talk about it. even when faced with much greater difficulty, i have handled things better but right now even though it’s not actually that bad, i feel exceptionally sad. i did my groceries. made the right decisions. i literally did my very fucking best today. and yet i feel nothing but awful awful awful. even some self hatred and self pity. i’m having a hard time trying to logic myself out of this one. maybe it just needs some time. the problem is that i don’t have all that much time to give. i have a class early tomorrow and it’s one of those classes that i really have to participate in and even though i normally look forward to this class, im dreading it right now. i dont have the energy to learn a whole bunch of things right now. and my friends invited me for drinks after classes, which is great but sucks because i literally have 5$ in my bank account to last me the whole week, and today was just monday. idk how this happened. actually i know exactly how this happened, i paid of my medical bills when i got paid this weekend. that’s why i have nothing left. but it’s a big relief. that i have paid off all my hospital debt. it’s a huge deal. and it’s done. now temporarily i’ll struggle a little but it’ll be okay soon. also it was just 11:11pm and i made a good wish. i’m going to try my best to bring it to fruition. rn im still a bit sick, and im not gonna beat myself up for having a bad couple of days. i know im doing my best. my best is not as good as other people’s but it’s mine. and i am choosing to go easy on myself. i’m feeling a fever coming back. the plan for the rest of the night is to maybe rest till my fever goes away. then watch the movies i downloaded w the library wifi, because guess what, i didn’t have money to get wifi this month. so i barely use my data and i try to download as much as i can at uni and at the library. it has been kind of good for me. to be off the internet mostly. this reminds me i should deactivate my instagram soon. idc if i loose my work flow. or maybe try to find balance between life offline and online. after i’m done resting and my fever subsides, ill boil some eggs and what not. i deserve to eat well. nvm im back to crying in my fetal position. oh god i feel so bad. i feel so bad right now. i can’t do anything about this. and the things that i can fix, i don’t. this is literally my life. crying about things i can’t control and ignoring the things i can control

this is the worst i have felt in 2024 so far. i’m so sad that it’s giving me a headache. i’m so disoriented and confused and tired and sad i don’t wanna do anything. i’m depressed as fuck. why does this happen to me. oh god i let a couple of hours pass, and i’m doing a little bit better. this is so stupid.

[paravillintiniay]

I’m gonna make a really really long vent post and put it under a read more because I’ve had a rough month and I’m like emotionally bleeding out and I don’t know what to do so idk maybe I’ll put a bandaid on it with this maybe not

I used to think that once I became an adult that I would become independent and no longer be a chronic misser outer and not have to rely on people who clearly do not care about me or my wants as much and that I’d be able to move on, but every year that passes by it feels farther and farther from my reach and even more shameful because everyone I talk to that I can’t speak openly to (extended family, neighbors, acquaintances that I’m not close to) thinks I am like a TOTAL loser because I’m 24 and can’t drive and have never had a consistent job and didn’t go to school and have nothing going for me but I can’t just be like “yeah well my parents won’t teach me to drive and I have to beg my mom for weeks to get her to take me to target when I need something and I don’t have any friends in town so what the fuck do you suggest I do” because it’s kind of a hostile trauma dump but also to them the answer is simple it’s just “take some initiative, stop being lazy” but no one ever taught me how to do that or encouraged independence and every time I ever did take initiative I would get shot down. They don’t get that my parents are so controlling that I CAN’T just Uber to the dmv and get my license because the consequences to that are great, and we don’t have public transit and our community isn’t walkable so I can’t just walk to a job.

Eventually I developed a sort of apathy as a defense mechanism and I just stopped caring about anything because caring about things only meant that I’d be disappointed but the problem is apathy only gets you so far because then people think they can walk all over you.

I just want to feel important. Not to my friends, I love my friends I care about my friends I know they care about me but they can only do so much from several states away. I want my family to care about me, but when my birthday fell on Mother’s Day we all decided “oh yeah we aren’t going to do anything because all the restaurants will be crowded” so instead *my mom and I* spent 2.5 hours cooking lunch, then my brother showed up 2.5 hours later than he said he would with his kids, handed me a card with a visa giftcard in it, and we all sat on the couch not doing anything with the tv off for a few hours not doing anything. I asked if he wanted to go to a concert with me and he blew me off. Then he left. The original plan was to instead go out on monday (Mother’s Day was on sunday) and take me to the book store and run some errands but my mom told me Sunday night “I’m really tired let’s do Tuesday” and then Tuesday night came and I asked if we could do Wednesday and my mom was like “well (grandma) has a thing on Thursday and dad has a thing on Friday and we had a thing we were going to do this weekend” so I said “oh so Wednesday is the only day that works huh?” To which the response was “we’ll see.” We did not go to the book store on Wednesday. We still have not gone to the book store a week later and of course, the ENTIRE week this week just has to be sooo busy we just caaaant make time. I’m tired of having to beg my mommy to spend at most two hours of her time doing something for me. I’m tired of her making it a big deal when I need or want to go somewhere when she’s the one who never taught me to drive. I made my own birthday cake. I just want to feel important. I just. Want to feel like I matter. That isn’t even touching on the fact that one of my brothers completely forgot/didn’t acknowledge my birthday. Thanks man. It’s not even the birthday that gets to me because I don’t expect anything it’s just the fact that they ASK me what I want to do and when I tell them they blow me off or ignore me or do something else that directly inconveniences me. I just want to feel like I matter. Like my wants and needs are valid.

I want to be independent. I’m tired of being a chronic misser outter I’m tired of not being able to do fun things just because no one wants to do them with me and I don’t have the means to do them by myself. It’s gotten to the point where everyone I know is moving on in life without me in so many important life milestone ways and I know it’s only a matter of time before I am simply alone. Before no one has time for me because that’s a natural part of life, you grow up you get a job you get married have kids but not for me. Never for me.

And you know what? My nephew was born late last year and I feel so much guilt for saying this because I love him so much but FUCK that kid. Everyone in my family forgot to be a there for me but now there’s a baby 🥺🥺🥺 he need so much love and time and attention 🥺🥺 you’ve had so many holidays and birthdays April you can be selfless and sacrifice for him 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 I’m a grandparent now so I’m gonna drop everythinf whenever your brother asks and spend time with my grandbaby 🥺🥺🥺🥺 but what about ME? when am I going to get the support that I need? On top of not having very many friends or a support system I now no longer have my older brother to hang out with and go see movies or concerts with sometimes and it just. Sucks. I’m so tired.

I said the other day that my mental health feels like when you’re playing a survival game and you’re starving so the screen starts flashing and shaking and your health is constantly ticking down and you don’t have any food so you keep slapping bandages on to try to keep yourself alive until you can find food but you only ever find scraps and berries that keep you sustained for about 30 seconds before you’re starving and dying again. I can hang out with my friends and be happy and joyful but the second that’s over I’m back to bleeding out. Every time my parents rush to the aid of someone else and blow me off is like a stab to the gut. Every time my parents say “it’s the weekend I’m not leaving the house” but are just SOOOO busy during the week they can’t help me with what I need. Every time I miss something that’s important to me and time sensitive just because I can’t drive. I don’t know how to keep going. I’m tired of feeling like such a loser all the time. I just. Want. To feel. Important.

[k--havok]

sorry ive been dead for the past week+ a LOT has happened again so complaining under the cut i suppose.

2024 keeps giving me whiplash and it's like I cannot get a break. I finished my TMS therapy finally and like. I have no idea if I am doing better or not but at least its over with. I'm dreaming again which is nice. And I finally got my sleeping pills back but I've been off them for so long that I now have to readjust to them and its been kinda difficult. Pair that with all the sleep debt I've accumulated and it's been a bit rough. At the very least this is the first weekend I've had in over a month where I have not been taking 3 hour long naps every day so that's good.

What's not good is the fact my estranged aunt on my dad's side of the family died in what looks to be an OD. Horrible way to go. I was not close to her at all as my dad's side of the family is certifiably nuts and I want nothing to do with them, but now there's an issue with inheritance regarding my aunt. Her older sister, and my other aunt, is supposed to contact me regarding said inheritance as its supposed to be 50/50 but she has not yet. Which is no surprise really as she is a very greedy person and will try and cut me out of whatever I am owed. So I may have to get a lawyer or something. Idk. My mom is going to help me out with this but this is just another headache I will have to deal with. Luckily, due to the TMS therapy, my anxiety is managed so I'm not panicking about this yet but. Still. I just want this to be over with.

My patients at work have also been difficult. Not personality wise but they've just been so complicated. They come to us half-dead on their last legs and it's heartbreaking but with all the comorbidities I can only do so much to help them. I ain't jesus and I cannot perform miracles. I get home from work and just pass out in bed since I'm so emotionally and mentally drained. It doesn't help that I've found out that some of my previous patients have died not long after seeing them and I really do not need to know that. I do not need existential dread at 2:00 AM while staring at brain waves.

Aaand I've just. Been trying to rest I think. I've been so stressed out these past few months that the little brain power I have left over has been going to video games, cooking, and managing my kitten. Writing has been pushed out of the way which is sad as I do have ideas and think about my blorbos often. But I cannot seem to put any of that mental energy into like. Actually fleshing out their stories. Instead I think about stupid shit or smut which is lovely but unhelpful.

Hopefully I'll come back from this mini hiatus soon. Sometimes an epiphany will hit me like a train and I'll jump in feet-first back into writing and interacting here. But it may take a while, as I am an extreme introvert and it's hard for me to interact with more than one or two people at a time.

I'll just. Continue to work on it through therapy and hopefully that will help me along.

[sawtastic-sideblog]

I am so sorry to anon. I meant to save what I posted as a draft and it posted while I was taking a test. Anyway here's the finished one!

Contains spoilers for Downton Abbey season 3 and Adam is a LotR fan in this I jsut forgot to write it in.

Taking the stairs two at a time, Adam climbs, ready to see his beloved children. The last few days have been rough for him. He's had to follow a doctor that has been cheating on his wife. It's emotionally draining.

He fumbles the his keys and drops them to the floor with a loud clang! Adam curses under his breath as he bends to pick up his keys. He hears a door open to his right, revealing a short plump woman with green eyes that shimmer in the dim hallway lighting.

"Oh, Adam! I thought that was you! How are you, darlin'?"

"I'm good, Mrs. Ortega. How are you? And Mr. Ortega?"

"We're both good. We wanted to invite you over for dinner next weekend. My family is flying in, his family is driving up, and we're gonna have some friends over too."

"Oh, um, thank you, Ms. Ortega, but I don't know. I'm not big on crowds and in small spaces. Not really my scene."

"How 'bout I bring you a plate? My family is bringing the southern cuisine and Miguel's family is bringing the authentic Mexican cuisine. Abuelita is making tamales. My mama's making her chicken and dumplins and I'm making my blueberry pie you like so much."

"That sounds greats, Mrs. O. Thanks."

"It's not a problem dear. Oh and I think my daddy is bringing you some old camera equipment his daddy gave to him. He said somethin' about one of th first cameras ever made being passed through the generations. He likes you, son."

"Oh, wow, I couldn't accept that."

"You will. Daddy is very convincing. Especially in his old age."

"Eighty one isn't that old."

Mrs. Ortega laughs and turns to walk back into her apartment. Adam jams his key into the lock as his neighbor calls out to him.

"Give some love to Merry and Pippin for me?"

"Of course, I will. Goodnight, Mrs. Ortega."

"Goodnight, Adam."

Adam walks into his apartment and throws his keys in the bowl of the table by the door. He sets his bag down on the table as he toes off his shoes. He scans the open area of his apartment in the light from the standing lamp by the wall.

"Mer? Pip? Where are you?"

He makes his way into the kitchen and grabs a can and a bag of cat food. He turns around to pick up two ceramic food bowls. One blue with 'Merry' etched into it with white paint making the letters pop and the other is a matching green one with 'Pippin etched into the side. Birthday gifts from Mrs. Ortega. She always treats Adam, Merry, and Pippin like her own kids. The Ortegas never had children of their own but have nieces and nephews who come to visit sometimes. Mia, the thirteen year old daughter of Mrs. Ortega's sister, has taken an interest in photography. Everytime she visits, Adam gets a knock on his door. He's more than happy to talk with Mia, go on walks with her, her brothers, aunt, and uncle to take pictures of the world around them, and show her how to develop pictures in his home red room.

Adam turns back around to see a figure sniffing at the bag of food. A pair or yellow eyes look up at him expectantly. Adam smiles warmly.

"Hi, honey," he says as he walks to the counter and sets the bowls down. He holds his finger up and moves it towards a small pink nose. "Boop."

A small 'mrrrhp' is the response Adam gets before the cat headbutts Adam's hand, demanding to have attention. He happily obliges and scratches the cat's head.

"Hello, my little Merry-baby," Adam coos. Merry rubs against Adam's chest as he opens the can of food and halves it into the bowls. He adds some dry food with it. His cats will eat anything and, somehow, Mrs. Ortega has a lot of cat food and brings it to him. He doesn't complain. Free food for the cats.

Merry, the cat currently sitting on the counter watching as Adam walks towards the mat again, is an orange short-haired tabby. She has yellow eyes that are always full of mischief. She is two years old and is so full of energy. She loves to cuddle and always finds her a seat somewhere on or near Adam. She was sitting outside of the hospital one day as Adam was leaving. In his very drowsy, tired, and sick mind he decided to try to catch her and ran out into the middle of the road. He was almost hit by a bus, but a tall, blonde man pulled him out of the way. When Adam went to protest the man shut him down, grabbed the cat, shoved it into his arms, and told him to go home. Adam went back to the hospital for a dislocated shoulder a few months later and met the man again. A doctor by the name of Lawrence Gordon. Adam was smitten by him and asked for his number while under th influence of painkillers. Dr. Gordon laughed and asked about the cat.

Pippin, who is currently no where to be seen, is a short-haired tuxedo cat. He's nine years old and likes to lay around in the sun all day. He's still spry in his old age and is often found perched at the top of the cat tower. Yet, another gift from the Ortegas that was made by Mr. Ortega himself. He's been with Adam for a long time, since he was six months old. Adam found him in the dumpster behind a bar. He was trying to hook up with some girl who was so drunk she couldn't keep the contents of her stomach inside. Adam heard a small sound coming from the dumpster and peeked inside. He saw a plastic bag moving around. Curious and slightly drunk, Adam reaches for it. When he opensnit he finds a very small and malnourished cat. His yellow eyes wide in fear. Adam looks back at the woman and decides to call her a cab. He waits with her when her friends come out and gush over the kitten and thank him for the cab. Adam gets home and looks up how to take care of a kitten. He was terrified because he could hardly take care of himself.

"Food time, babies," Adam calls. Merry leaps off the counter and walks over to her bowl. The sound of old joints popping and the shaking of the cat tree from the cat atop of it stretching. Adam walks over to the wooden tower covered in soft fabric and puts a hand out. The old cat bumps Adam's hand with his head. Adam scoops him up and cradles him in his arms. He walks towards the untouched bowl of food as he peppers kisses all over Pippin's head. He gently places the old cat by his bowl and walk to his bedroom to change into his pajamas. His phone vibrates in his hand as he walks toward the living room.

"Hey, babe," Adam greets his friend.

"Adam, I've told you not to call me that."

"Aw, come on, Larry, everyone deserves to be called 'babe' every once in a while."

"Yes and I have a wife who calls me that," Lawrence counters. Despite the annoyance in his voice, Adam can hear a smile.

"Whaddya want, Larry? I gotta fix food and cuddle cats."

"Alison wanted to see if you wanted to go out for dinner tomorrow night."

"How about you guys come over. Diana loves the cats and the Ortega's are having a dinner party next week, so I was thinking about having them over for dinner before then. I won't feel bad if they bring me a plate after that," Adam jokes. He hears Lawrence chuckle before he continues. "I also have this recipe Zep from work sent me. Looks pretty good. And it comes from Zep. He's an amazing cook."

"I have to agree with you. Let me run it Alison."

"Let me talk to her. I'm very persuasive."

"Okay, hold on. I have to go find her," Lawrence laughs.

"Hey, babe," Alison's voice rings down the line. Pippin hops onto the couch and bumbles his way over to Adam, sitting beside him with paws on his thigh. Adam's hand immediately goes to Pippin's head and scratched behind his ear. The cat purrs in appreciation.

"Hi, Ali. Adam is on the phone to talk about dinner plans. You're on speaker, Adam."

"Hi, Adam."

"Hey, Alison. Lawrence said you wanted to have dinner together tomorrow night. I was thinking you guys could come over and, hi, Merry, I'll have the Ortegas over. Zep gave me a new recipe," Adam explains and greets his cat by petting her head.

"Sounds great. Six work for you?"

"Perfect. I'll let Mrs. O know."

"Need us to bring anything?"

"Just your dazzling smile and Larry's charming personality. Oh, and Diana. Can't forget her."

"They won't forget me!" A small voice yells indignantly. Adam laughs and grabs the remote from the coffee table. He reclines back and props his feet on the table. Merry walks down Adam's legs to the coffee table and just sits staring out at nothing on the other side of the room. Adam's hand finds Pippin's side and pats.

"Did your hear anything, dear?" Lawrence asks, amusement dripping off his words.

"No, did you?"

"Nope," Lawrence says.

"Adam! Tell mommy and daddy that I'm right here!"

"I think there's an intruder in your house, Larry."

"Me too. I'll go take a look."

"He's on the hunt," Alison says. Adam hears the grin in her voice and can imagine Lawrence stalking around the kitchen and living room of his house. He hears high pitched squeals and laughter coming from his phone. His eyes scan the rows of television shows and movies on his screen. He chooses his guilty pleasure show. 'Downton Abbey' has been his thing for years. He, Alison, Diana, and Mrs. Ortega often have watch parties. When he has a bad day, likes to cuddle up under a pile of blankets, eat his weight in pizza, and cuddle the cats. "Do you have food, Adam?"

"Yeah, I ordered pizza."

"Good. Just making sure you're eating. Lawrence told me about your bad day."

"Yeah, it has sucked, but I have my kittens to cheer me up."

"Have a better night."

"Thanks, Al. I appreciate you. and Larry. And the rugrat." "Goodnight, Adam. We love you." "Bye, Adam!" "Bye, Addy!"

Lawrence and Diana both shout at the same time. The corners of Adam's lips curl up at the use of his nickname Diana gave him. He bids them goodnight and hangs up. The doorbell rings and he stands up, much to Pippin's displeasure. Adam brings the pizza over to the coffee table and turns on the show. Hours later, Adam is still watching the show. Tears stream down his face as Tom Branson clings to Sybil.

"Please, don't leave me, Love," Tom begs.

"Don't leave him, Sybil," Adam whispers as he wipes tears away. Merry stretches from her spot in Adam's arms, her head in the crook of his neck and his arm cradling her like a baby. His other hand returns to Pippin's back. Pippin is laying in a loaf on Adam's thigh. He is facing the television, staring in the direction of it, almost like he is watching as Sybil's life fades and, once again, the Crawley family is thrown into the arms of grief.

"Fuck," Adam sobs, burying his face into Merry's side. Merry's paws finds Adam's head as she starts to chew on Adam's hair. She twists and turns and hops from Adam's arm onto the arm of the couch. He picks up Pippin and pulls his feet out form under him and onto the floor. The episode ends and Adam turns off the television.

"I think it's time for bed, kitterinos," Adam says as he stands and stretches. He wipes at his face as he goes though and turns off all the lights. He goes to brush his teeth, cats following him all the way. The orange rubs her face against his ankles.

"Meow," Pippin calls from the bedroom door.

"Ahh," Adam says back. Pippin responds with another meow and Adam responds with another lowercase scream. They go on like this until Adam goes into the bedroom.

Once in bed, Merry finds her way to the second pillow on the bed and curls up facing Adam. Pippin finds his rightful place on Adam's chest as Adam scrolls on Youtube to find a video to listen to as he goes to sleep. "Goodnight, my sweet boy. Goodnight, my sweet girlie. My pretty kitties."

He closes his eyes and runs his hands over Pippin's back. The old cat purrs and does the little paw thing that cats do over Adam's ribs. Merry presses her head against Adam's head. He smiles and reaches his free hand up to pet her. She spins in a circle and lays with her face on Adam's shoulder, one paw tucked under her and the other on Adam's shoulder. Adam angles his head towards Merry's back and lays his face on her hip.

He feels so loved by these two small creatures. They put all their trust in him and he puts his own happiness with them. The three of them are a family. They all love and trust each other. This is the most love Adam has felt in his life. He can say that these two make his life complete and he doesn't know what he'd do without them.

Adam is lulled to sleep by the sound of both of the cats purring and Shayne Topp's voice reading Reddit stories.

[naruthandir]

Funny to me how for most people it's a LOTR->Linguistics pipeline but for me it was a linguistics->LOTR pipeline. I never really had an interest in reading Lord of the Rings because the whole thing used to struck me as very boring and I didn't really care but from ages 12-14 I was really getting into fantasy worldbuilding and conlanging "formally" (I did do that kind of stuff before that, but I didn't know it had a name or that there were comunities formed around it) and I said "Look if I am going to be a nerd about this I am going to be a full nerd about this I can't go around life calling myself a Fantasy Nerd™ when all I know about LOTR is that there is a fucked up goblin guy and Legolas has a bow" so I decided to bought the Fellowship of the Ring book in the bookstore because I am autistic and I have a hard time engaging with material I am unfamiliar with so I just picked the safest option and then I read it in a weekend. I came home, I sat down to read, and from the very start I was invested. Because Tolkien had THE BALLS to open his book with an extensive infodump about Hobbit culture and I was so into that. And the chapters in the Shire, they were a genuine delight for me. I thought the book would be boring but it was fun! It was funny! And hobbit culture felt so alive...

And when the final chapter of the Fellowship came I almost cried. Rightly, it was at that moment I realized that this was going to be a life-changing experience whether I like it or not.

Since I didn't have the rest of the books back then (and I wasn't really able to get them for reasons I don't remember) I did the most autistic thing: Right after finishing it, I decided to read it again, because I was that obsessed. I made so much silly cringy art of the characters as I imagined them and it was all I could think about in school. When I finally got my hands to The Two Towers and The Return of the King I decided to refresh my memory by reading Fellowship AGAIN and because it was summer I had the luxury to just sit down and read all day long and it was great.

I went into the books as blind as you could possibly go: I knew there were conlangs and lore, I knew there were elves, I knew the protagonist was named Frodo and the plot was about destroying a ring (there is also a being that calls the ring precious because its like a drug? Idk). But not much else. I didn't know Boromir was going to die. I didn't know about Galadriel or Elrond or Aragorn or Sam. Yes, I didn't know that Sam was a character. I was genuinely surprised at each turn the plot was taking. I was surprised about how GAY it all was (why didn't they tell me about this??) and I was absolutely shaken and emotionally destroyed with the ending. The Return of the King was an awakening of sorts for me, because I was expecting a whimsical fantasy story and instead I got to see The Horrors and I just couldn't believe the comic relief characters were dealing with suicidal ideation, out of all things.

And the last bit of Frodo's journey... Well, the scene in the tower of Cirith Ungol was genuinely rough (when Sam found Frodo, he was naked. And I just closed the book and stared into the ceiling for a while. I just had to take a break real fast) and the struggle with the ring as they got closer to Mordor and I was constantly almost-crying-but-not-quite and I knew, even though I went into the story un-spoiled, I knew Frodo wouldn't give up the ring. And then having him deal with the aftermath of it, and I was so distressed the whole time because finally, someone out there gets it. He sailed off to the west and I cried. I actually cried, right after finishing the book, yes, but for a few nights after as well. It was, well, a lot to process for 14 year old me. It had me looking up the diagnostic criteria of PTSD on Google at three in the morning because this can't be right. It wasn't that bad, surely I'm just being dramatic.

And it is very funny, that I was getting into the books expecting extensive sections of infodumping and lore and LINGUISTICS and I did get that, don't get me wrong, but I also got an emotionally resonant story that complelty re-contextuslized my lived experiences, helped me process stuff I had been shoving down the back of my mind because I didn't have the words to even describe it to myself, and lowkey turned me into a transgender anarchist. I was a changed man (just now fully aware that I was a man in the first place). It blew me away completely.

And it also reinforced my interest in linguistics! I often joke about this, but as a kid, I used to read the dictionary instead of paying attention in class. I liked words. Like, a lot. I liked the way words interacted with each other. I was like 9, perhaps, when I first attempted to create a made-up language, for a race of fictional mermaid race. I was really into My Little Pony at the time and I stole a lot of the story from there (don't forget I was nine) and my attempt at conlanging utterly failed, but still. LOTR felt pretty much tailored to me, when I finally gave it a shot. My favorite appendix was, of course, the one dealing with translation. If I was mildly interested in linguistics before this sent me down a rabbithole. I did my whole final school project for graduating on minority languages of Europe (though, due to the pandemic, I never finished it, which is a shame). I picked the literature course in high-school over the fine arts course because they had a morphology and etymology class. I named myself Beren, for fuck's sake, and I've been going by this name in real life for two and a half years by now. That's how important it was.

I really can't overstate how much this silly little book with silly little fairy people influenced my life. It's. Well, it's cringy, it's awfully, awfully cringy, embarrassing, mortifying. Isn't it funny, that we are shamed and made fun of for loving things so unapologetically? For genuinely connecting with art? Even though that's like, the whole point?

I just want to say. This is important to me. This means a lot to me. I keep talking about it but I can't help myself because it's hilarious. I went into this book out of a sense of responsibility and it completely changed my life.

This post wasn't meant to be this long. Uh. Sorry. I just wanted to make a silly joke about "Tolkien fan goes on to study formal linguistics, but it's not for the reason you think" but it turned into this whole personal rant. This is like a tendency of mine, no I don't know how to stop it. I'm sorry if this is in your dash lmao

[runfast-runfar]

Loooong time, no update!

Have been having a bit of a rough time with a few different things, and so I took some time away.

9/9/23

✨ food stuff has. been. hard. I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been, the absolute most uncomfortable in my body that I’ve ever been, and I am 10000% over the freaking treatment program I’m in. I was at residential for 2 months which was very helpful, and in the beginning PHP was helpful, but now it’s just gotten to the point where I need to just get back to my life and apply the stuff I’ve learned. At this program in particular they are strict (even at IOP level) with what they allow you to eat. I genuinely have always been a healthier eater and I genuinely enjoy exercise. But when I am at program (which is still freaking 5 days a week even though I really should be three days a week by now) the dietitian who is there most often never lets me chose healthy options bc she’s convinced it’s my “ed”. I feel so lethargic and just unhealthy eating chips everyday and sodas, and “junk” food that I don��t prefer to eat. I also got diagnosed with something that has now become a liability issue for me to continue seeing my therapist there who I absolutely loved. So all in all, that has been awful and hard, and I am just over it.

✨ on top of that, there has been a big family thing that has resurfaced and just been emotionally hard to navigate. So it’s all been a lot.

✨ so this weekend has been chill so far and I plan on keeping that going! Today I read this cute little inspirational book my friend gave me for my birthday. Thea snuggled up too obviously! Went grocery shopping and tried fresh figs for the first time and I am officially in love! I went to an art and wine festival and got this super pretty bracelet by an artist who makes glass jewelry that uses some sort of element from the ocean in every piece. And now I’m laying in bed (re)watching The Act on Hulu lol

✨ I was going to do a peloton class today but I got on to start and just was not feeling it at all. I knew if I did it it would be unhealthily motivated so I chose to listen to my body and make today a rest day. Yesterday was a busy day with the climbing gym, weights after and then a peloton class too, so my body just wanted the day off I suppose.

✨ no plans today other than staying in bed with the AC blasting on me lol! Tomorrow I am going to the climbing gym in the morning and then going to take another relaxing day before my week starts.

✨ I hope you all have a wonderful weekend 🫶🏼

[pumpkinnning]

Literally most depressing weekend ever I support Charles and Daniel so I just have been emotionally distraught over the weekend

aughhhhh that's a rough combo 😥 i have neutral feelings towards Daniel but it's a bummer to see him out so soon after getting a seat again and what he got looked very painful so i hope he'll be okay

as for Charles i'm not even gonna talk about it we all know but ughhhh it's a fucking travesty

I think moments like these are a good time to reevaluate how we connect to this sport. I know for me these days the main value is in the fandom here on tumblr (esp the creative side of it) so that's what i try to focus on. As well as digging into older races more. I hope you can still find things to enjoy and if necessary you take a step back because it's not worth getting too distraught over !

I also am realizing these days that it's not the results that matter most to me, it's the human aspect. Like ofc I want to see my faves win and do cool stuff on track, i get really mad when they have bad luck. But I like being a little bit on this journey with them, cheering on their wins but also seeing how they react to adversity, trying to understand their style better, etc. I don't like the drivers I do because they win all the time - especially in this sport where talent so often doesn't translate into wins. I like their driving style and their vibes and I find them inspiring/fascinating as people (what we can see at least). Plus they inspire me to write which really, when it comes down to it, is what matters most to me because it's a bitch getting motivated to write with a brain like mine lmao.

That approach won't work for everyone but - i hope you find your groove anon ! Sometimes it also feels good to feel sad for reasons that have nothing to do with our lives or the shittiness of the world at large. Just make sure it's the right kind of sad lmao

[thoughtfulnessme]

30/12/2022 - The year it was.

Tomorrow is the last day of 2022 so I thought I would get in early and write about the year that is was! This year went really quick. It was a challenging year but also one of the best. My husband and I grew even closer to each other and continued to shower each other with love and respect. He truly is my best friend and love of my life and this year reminded me just how grateful I should always be for him. We make the best team together and I know that when we are together we can achieve anything.

January - About a week into January we found out I was pregnant. Within a week, we went from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. It was probably one of the most difficult and heartbreaking things we have both gone through - a miscarriage. My husband was by my side and together we got through it. I now know that it happened for a reason but at the time I was just so lost, confused and heartbroken. It was a moment that really shook me because I never imagined that that would be me even though the statistic is 1 in 4 women.

February - In February, I started feeling a bit better and made some goals for myself. I felt motivated to eat healthy and go to the gym as I wanted my body to be as healthy as it could be for when we decided to try again. We went to the beach a lot and just enjoyed each others company.

March - Emotionally, I went through a bit of a rough patch in March. My family came down for a few days and it was really nice to see them and spend time with them. Towards the end of March we booked our tickets to Italy!!! That gave me something to look forward to and I spent most nights and weekends researching and booking things!

April - My 3 brothers came down for Easter so we did a lot of activities together and had a really great time! They went to the casino a couple of times with my husband and won a bunch of money! I also was offered a new job!

May - Towards the end of May, I started my new job and I was so excited!! I went to my friends baby shower and it brought up a few emotions for me. We celebrated my husbands 28th birthday!

June - The best month of the year!! On June 2 we flew to Italy for 3 weeks and we had the most amazing time!!! Our holiday went so smoothly and we had such a great time exploring together, eating and drinking!! We had decided that we would try make a little Italian baby whilst we were abroad and our wish came true!! A couple of days after getting back from our holiday, we found out we were pregnant with our beautiful little rainbow baby!!

July - My morning sickness kicked in and I realised I hated my new job so I quit, had a week off and went back to my old job!! i felt so much happier. We had our first ultrasound - our dating scan - and we saw our precious baby’s healthy heart beat!! We were so relieved and overjoyed.

August - I went back to my old job in the first week of August. We had our 12 week scan in August and towards the end of the month we also popped a balloon and discovered we were having a little princess, a baby girl!!! We were so so happy.

September - We flew up to my family to tell them we were having a baby!! They were all so so happy for us. I told my work and we also announced on social media.

October - Hubby started painting her nursery! We had our 20 week ultrasound we confirmed she was perfect and healthy! I celebrated my 27th birthday and we celebrated our 1 year wedding anniversary with a little weekend getaway!!

November - We continued to buy things for the baby! We took progress photos of my belly every couple of weeks. My bump started to get bigger and bigger and I was feeling frequent kicks from her.

December - We celebrated our last Christmas before our little bub joined us. My mum came down for Christmas. We ate lots of yummy food and desert and enjoyed each others company!! Mum and I went shopping and brought heaps of baby stuff!!

We had an amazing year and I am so so excited to see what next year brings for us. I know it will bring us our little bundle of joy and I am so excited to become a parent and to welcome her into this world. I am impatiently counting down the days!! I am 31 weeks pregnant now. I cannot wait to meet her!!

[ariadnie]

feeling so emotionally drained, i had to leave my dnd group :( i kept assuring the DM that i was fine and enjoying the campaign (which is true!) but she was CONVINCED i was upset, and wouldnt believe me when i said i was fine, and created this whole paranoid scenario in her head to the point where i was getting so stressed out.

it felt like when, as a kid, you're telling the truth and the adult keeps trying to get you to tell the truth, and tells you they KNOW you're lying but you're not lying and nothing you say will convince them of that

she kept saying "im bad at reading you" and "i cant read you" and i realize now that she cant read me because she was looking for angry, mean subtext that simply didnt exist. she wanted me to be upset with her, and couldnt accept that i wasnt.

im just tired, i spent months trying to get this girl to like me and walking on eggshells to prevent problems with her bc my other friends have warned me that she can be difficult, and since she couldnt find a problem with me, she MADE one. i cant win. im so tired. i had one (1) bad session on friday bc i was running on low sleep, had a rough time at work, was physically tired bc i went ROCK CLIMBING the day before, and in her mind it HAD to be because of her and i HAD to have it out for her. in reality i was just dissociating with a RBF 😩😩😩 i left the discord call abruptly bc i was TIRED and wanted to go to bed, but she assumed i was pissed at her! (not even abruptly, i said goodnight guys im really tired!)

anyway i exited the campaign bc the communication was just not happening. she kept saying our communication styles dont match, which is true, but ALSO every time i tried to communicate clearly and effectively, she simply didnt take me at my word w it. so there was no way for me to keep going and not be CONSTANTLY misinterpreted and CONSTANTLY trying to please this one girl. like im supposed to have fun and instead im spending the weekend trying to placate her...im tired!!!! im tired and im gonna find a dnd group that is Fun to play in

anyway im ranting i am full of emotions <3 i hope my exit from the campaign is best for everyone in the end, i want them to be able to finish their story how they want and get the ending the party deserves <3 its just sad bc i was really having fun and very invested in my character, and it seems like the DM just wanted to find and poke at flaws in my personality instead of just playing.

ofc she does somethings that annoy me sometimes, doesnt everyone! no one is perfect and immune to that! but im able to get past her flaws and know that she doesnt always mean to take things out on me. i can regulate my emotions by myself when i have an Off time in a dnd session, and by the time im ready for next session i have handled it without any lingering resentment. i give her the benefit of the doubt whenever she snaps at me (which honestly isnt an insignificant amount!) but i know thats just how she communicates and that its not a reflection on me as a person

[chungledown-bimothy]

The new FOB song is a BANGER!! This album is gonna be so good, I'm so excited!!

I got off work this morning, so I am very tired and emotionally drained, it was a rough week for me emotionally 😅

But I'm excited for the neverafter episode tonight!!

Also, I saw your post about people emailing you about problem-solving!! That's awesome!!! It always feels great to know you're trusted by your co-workers 🥰

How are you feeling??

- 🪐

i'm sorry it was a rough one! take good care of yourself this week, i'm sure next week will be better ^_^

i honestly have no idea or even the slightest theory of what might happen in tonight's episode, and i cannot fuckin wait. me not having any theories or speculations is a very rare thing, and idk if i like it

all i've got is hoping for more sinbad, but he's off somewhere else entirely, so i doubt it lmao

it did feel great, but i did immediately hard whiff the charisma check that is work emails, so. mixed bag rip

i'm pretty good! kinda sleepy; my many feelings about the top surgery stuff are keeping me up pretty late. but i'm really looking forward to this weekend! just gotta get through a couple more days lol

[thegittelbug]

Content warning: pregnancy loss, blood

Not sure if I'll post this or delete it later, but I just need to get it out of my brain.

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The health issues I've been dealing with is the miscarriage of a deeply wanted pregnancy. I had some minor bleeding a week ago and so went to urgent care as I had been instructed to, and had to deal with... Just a giant cluster of incompetence. First they told me that ultrasound had just closed so they wouldn't be able to tell me anything, and then when my blood work showed unusually low levels of pregnancy hormones and some sort of infection they shrugged it off and sent me home.

I had further blood work to monitor my hormone levels, which showed they'd dropped 35% in about a day. The nurse told me they still weren't sure and I'd have to repeat the blood work. I honestly am not sure she even looked at the previous blood draws, and when I pointed out the other history she didn't even respond to me.

I came in the next day for my ultrasound, which showed no fetal heart beat. We'd had one at my previous OB appointment the week before. The doctor told me they "weren't sure" what that meant and sent me home, even though I pointed out that we'd lost the fetal heart beat, and that's literally the way you diagnose a miscarriage.

So I was forced to wait 5 days with all the signs of a miscarriage and a possible growing infection because medical staff wouldn't listen to me or review my history. Apparently the staff working on a holiday weekend are just... Awful.

When my OB was able to look at the results, she immediately agreed I was miscarrying and walked me through my options. We decided medication was best to help me pass the pregnancy, and I got that right away.

Oh, and the pharmacist where I picked up my meds decided they needed to ask me about pregnancy before I picked it up. He's lucky I didn't burst out crying then and there. Thanks for me reminding me, bud.

That experience was rough, and I'm still dealing with it. I bled more and for 5-6 times the maximum amount of time I was supposed to, and I'm both emotionally and physically exhausted. It was really painful and I threw up a few times despite the anti-nauseau meds I was prescribed. I missed 2 days of work (thus far). I slept like 16 hours in a day I was so tired, and my OB says if I don't feel more or less physically normal by tomorrow I should have another blood test to see if there's anything else happening.

Emotionally I am jumping around between angry, depressed, and totally numb. I definitely have not had enough time to really process things. I still can't really put it into words yet. It was bad. I did not like it. That's about all I can say right now.