#i am not saying to prioritize lives lost over the other

[spectra-bear]

Somebody in my inbox isnt liking me rbing these recent posts, so, if it isnt obvious, the door is right there, feel free to block me

[littleholmes]

I am not at all surprised about this. In fact, this is what I was lowkey worried about. Megumi’s will to live has been on thin ice for a while, I’d even go as far to say that even before he met Yuji he was barely wanting to be alive and it was only because of Tsumiki, and later Gojo too, that he kept going.

Even as a child, Megumi, from what we’ve seen, was very apathetic toward himself and prioritize Tsumiki over himself. Tsumiki and later Gojo were the ones that kept him moving and pushing toward something. They took what was essentially a kid who felt numb and had little regard for his own life, and gave him a reason to keep moving.

Tsumiki drove his will to hang on. Megumi carried on because Tsumiki would hopefully one day wake up and even later he had to get Tsumiki to safety during the games. But now she’s gone, so following his tendency to live for Tsumiki, where does that leave him? What’s worse is that right before Sukuna switched to his body, he saw that Tsumiki wasn’t Tsumiki anymore, she was Yorozu, so it makes sense that the last thread of his will to live disappeared along with Tsumiki.

His apathy (and I feel like that word is not even fully what it was, but it’s a start to describing it) was so strong in his early days and we saw that briefly when Gojo first showed up in his life. When Gojo explained the situation and his choices, Megumi only cared about Tsumiki being okay and he chose the life that would ensure she would be safe. Tsumiki was also his reason for how he lived as well. In the flashbacks where Megumi would beat kids up, Tsumiki was one of the contributing factors to making him stop that and being a better kid. But then Tsumiki was cursed and while he wasn’t harmful to others anymore, that apathy grew and morphed into a greater disregard for his own life.

We saw this when Gojo was training him after the baseball bunt situation, and mentioned that it was okay to be selfish while also alluding to the fact that, among other points, he needs to stop being so willing to sacrifice himself. Later, during Shibuya, Megumi was willing to die after summoning Mahoraga and Sukuna ended up saving him so his future plans for this current body takeover wouldn’t dissolve. And speaking of Mahoraga, when Yuji and Megumi first met, Megumi was just about to summon Mahoraga but then he was stopped. And speaking of Yuji, I feel like Yuji gave Megumi a small boost of energy to keep going, but with Tsumiki gone now, and right before his eyes and in such a mocking way (especially the way Yorozu laughed?), that’s enough to make Megumi break. (And that doesn’t even take into consideration that he is likely internalizing that Gojo died at this hands, despite Sukuna being the one controlling him.)

Megumi’s soul giving up doesn’t surprise me, but it does make me sad because it’s clear that he’s been walking the tightrope for a while and I want to hug him. Also, this makes an interesting parallel to when Toji lost Megumi’s mother. I’ve written two different posts about how Toji went into “I don’t care” mode and how Megumi slowly shifted into that same “I don’t care” mode when trying to get back to Yuji in the games, but I feel like losing Tsumiki like that broke the last thread of will he had and now he truly does not care.

I’m going to wrap this up and tag my friend @theanimepsychologist on this because it’s Megumi we’re talking about, but Megumi losing his will to live makes sense when Tsumiki was the primary reason Megumi kept moving and he’s been hanging on by a thread for a while, but it doesn’t make it any less sad, and I hope that, despite it being Jujutsu Kaisen and loss being one of the main themes, Yuji can somehow get him moving again.

[alluringnectar]

Timeless

abby anserson x fem!reader

a/n: idk how to use tumblr so my fault the layout is ass, i’ll improve lemme cook 😭🙏🏽. ts work is a repost, so its crappy. lmk if yu want smut cus i’ll write it.

summary: you’ve been promoted & you come across abby.

warnings: sfw, js shit talking.

pt. 1, pt. 2, pt. 3

Beep beep.

You groan, not ready to get up. Your hands fumble for the alarm clock, pressing every button your fingertips graze.

Beep beep!

How the hell is it still sounding? You ask yourself, finally lifting your head from the pillow to check the time.

6:43 am.

Shit.

You're usually awake and ready by this time, but yesterday you were out partying with your friends. Your recent promotion within the W.L.F. had warranted a night of revelry, but now the consequences were clear: a foggy mind and a rush to start the day. You had gained new perks from Isaac himself. Your friends thought this was deserving of a celebration, so they invited everyone from the W.L.F. You didn’t hate partying, but you preferred just hanging out with your friends. Among others, you were considered friendly, which was the truth— but you did like some time alone as patrols really tired you out.

Today was about clearing your clouded mind from worries, just living in the moment! Last night was one of the best nights you had in a while; you got to meet great people. You met a man named Manny; he was playful and divertido, a trait you admired. He was happy to introduce you to his other friends as they were going to be your new partners for patrols. A couple, Owen and Mel, came forward to greet you. “Your hair is so healthy and silky! I’d do anything for long hair like yours!” Mel smiled, and you grinned, thanking her.

You’ve always prioritized your looks and emphasized the importance of being well-groomed. You loved makeup, pink, and putting bows in your long hair. It was what made you, you. You found comfort within femininity throughout the apocalypse and the battle against scars. Your thoughts were interrupted when you heard something approaching Manny, Owen, Mel, and you. As soon as you looked up to see who it was, you couldn’t help but stare. Her hair was braided, wearing a tank top so you could see the density of her muscles. She had a calm demeanor, and you crossed your arms in a playful way. “Have I seen you before?” She smiled with her teeth, and you swear you could’ve folded right then and there. “No, you haven’t,” you felt your cheeks burn, giggling at the thought of her actually wanting to get to know you.

“Abby,” said the blonde woman. Abby. The name seemed to suit her. “Father’s joy,” you mumbled. “What?” Abby asked, genuinely curious. “That’s what Abby means,” you smiled warmly at her, waiting for a response. Abby chuckled; she raised her arm to rub your back. “What’s your name then?”

Before you could respond, Mel snapped, saying your name to Abby. You were confused by the abruptness of her answer. As you turned to look at Mel, she looked angry. Not at you. At Abby. Abby smiled softly and looked over at you, a look that you could forever hold in your heart. “I’ll see you around,” and with that, she walked away, heading towards another group with Manny, way more welcoming than Mel. At the corner of your eye, you saw the way Owen looked at Abby. He looked at her as if he had regrets, as if he lost something they had. You decided to shake it off, as it may only be your imagination. “What’s wrong, Mel?” you asked her, with genuine concern about why she's cold. She smiled at you softly and told you “Oh, it’s nothing. I just wanted to look out for a new friend. Abby is not someone you want to be hanging out with.” You hummed to yourself. You usually don’t believe what you hear, only what you see.

“She’s a shitty person.”

“She’s selfish.”

“She’s a liar.”

Despite Mel’s warnings, you still wanted to get to know Abby. Your desire to learn more about her grew. She sparked your curiosity, and the yearning blossomed.

After the night was over, you took your heels off and collapsed in your bed. You were excited about what new patrols you can take on tomorrow and who was going to be your partner. You ended up falling asleep, staring at the ceiling while Abby lingered in the back of your mind.

Now you were brushing your teeth, putting on a Lulu Define jacket, and tight flared black yoga pants. You put your hair in a slickback, put your sneakers on, and walked out the door. This was your first patrol after being promoted by Isaac. As you walked into the gym, you walked to the treadmills as your usual routine is cardio. Then you feel a hand placed on your shoulder; you turned your head back and it’s Abby. She smiles at you, and you smile back, blush tainting your cheeks. Abby parts her lips. “This outfit looks cute on you.”

“Thank you, Abby.” What Abby doesn’t know is that her compliment will be forever in your mind. Only within minutes talking to her - and only meeting her yesterday - she already makes you all giddy like a teenage girl in love. “Care to get some breakfast with me after you’re done with your cardio?” she asks, and you nod eagerly. “Of course, I will. Who would ever pass up that offer?” you giggle. Abby smirks at not just your reply, but at your giggle. She found you cute and amusing, but she was afraid Mel already said something to you. She didn’t want to mess up this chance— she couldn’t lose you when she never even had you. She’ll be careful and gentle even if it would take longer. Time will pass.

After 30 minutes, you considered yourself done for the day, as it was just a warm-up for the patrol later in the evening. You saw Abby sitting on the bench, wiping her sweat off the weights— she was thoughtful of others, and you kept that in mind. How could she ever be selfish? You walk up to her and tell her “Do you wanna go now?” Abby grins and says “I’d love to.”

Today’s menu was breakfast grilled cheese with Greek yogurt parfait- not bad! Since Abby has some perks, both of you got your meal pretty quickly and some good seats! “Have you seen the new patrol rotation?” Abby asks, and you shake your head “No actually, I was planning to check after the gym” you reply. “Maybe we can check together then. After this meal of course” she chuckles. Her smile is so cute, and you’d cross the whole world just to see it again. “You know, you’re not what I expected you to be.” Abby looks up at you, brows furrowed in confusion. “Mel said something didn’t she?” You sigh but nod, “I just think it’s funny how you’re the exact opposite of what she claimed for you to be. She’s sweet, but she was wrong about you. Don’t tell her but I think I’m starting to prefer you” you giggle, putting your fingers onto Abby’s lips as if to shush her. Abby was quiet alright, but not for the reason you’d think it would be. She’s thinking of your fingers gently touching her lips, leaning in for a kiss. Her thoughts are interrupted when you speak, “Do you wanna go check the board for patrols now?”

“Let’s go.” Abby stands up, pushes her chair back into the table and takes your hand— never roughly, as she’d never want to break you— fragility as a porcelain vase. Her calloused fingertips and palms, now holding your forearm, something that you’ll think about to help you sleep.

As you’re approaching the board, there’s a whole crowd of people, surrounding it. While some are content with their role and duo, others are muttering under their breath “fuck.” You can’t help but keep your fingers crossed that you’ll get Abby. As you and Abby kept shoving your way through, yelling “ ‘xcuse me!” you finally make your way to the front, and both of you immediately scan for your name. Then, you see it.

You and Abby. She seems to notice too, because she’s whispering “looks like you’re stuck with me for a little longer.” You giggle, lightly elbowing her playfully.

In reality, you'd prefer to be with her more than anyone else.

[what0smart]

Absolute Power:Superson thoughts!!!

Spoilers!!!!!!

As much as I would love to make an essay on this I don't think there's any way I could organize my thoughts enough for it to be good so I'm just gonna list out my thoughts on my favorite parts!

You can find my thoughts on the first 8 pages we got as previews here (page posting limit lol)

Nia understanding that while Jon often fights alone or for people, he desperately wants to fight alongside others or for them to fight for him.

This whole page is so great, I love the direct acknowledgement that Jon has been constantly fighting and all the times he had to fight alone. I will take the volcano and Ultraman where and whenever lol

Jon clearly has been suppressing his trauma and his constant fighting to make sure he doesn't lose anything like when he lost everything as a kid is clearly taking it's toll. Nia telling Jon he doesn't need to fight for everyone else constantly and it's okay to choose himself at times. This will come back in a conversation with Jay.

I am holding out having any feelings on this cause a large part of me refuses to believe DC would actually kill her, but if she is actually dead I'm gonna come back later and stare at this page in the saddest way possible.

He's so petty it kills me lmao

While it stresses me out to see them fight I love seeing them work through it, and it really shows the differences between them especially as this whole event has probably had a major impact on Jay in a negative way.

Jon realizing that he was trying to save the idea or memory of Nia over his Boyfriend after everything that's happened and deciding to prioritize what he wants, which is Jay. (more thoughts on this page at the end lol)

I think the Amazonians asking Jon for help was kind of a reminder to Jay of who Jon is at his core. Similarly to how Jon understood he probably can't dissuade Jay from hating Nia, I think Jay was reminded that Jon is just a forgiving and loving person, it is what drew Jay to Jon in the first place and that he shouldn't expect him to have the same reaction he has to Nia's death. I think Jay was going to say yes no matter what after this realization but I feel he normally would have thought about it more but decided to take that risk and give Jon a yes so he wouldn't be worried about it while in battle, you can see Jon flies away with a much more ready attitude.

Jon's "new place" is in his dreams, I had a worry Jon was just offering to live together with Jay because he thought it's what Jay would want but the fact that this is here means he has been dreaming of living in San Francisco for a while now, and the fact that Jay not being there destroying the dream really hits it home that being with Jay is what he wants. This is not Jon trying to make sure everyone in his life is happy at the cost of his own, this is Jon listening to what Nia told him to do and is choosing himself by following his dreams.

Final thoughts

Overall I really loved this issue and it really hit my expectations. It was very tough to follow at times but that's typical of dream sequences and this issue did it well, can't wait to see how Absolute Power ends and if Amanda will FINALLY face the consequences for her actions. I'll be holding out my comments on Nia until we know for certain she's dead, Nicole loves tormenting her characters so I wouldn't be surprised but I think she would also love to continue the beef between her and Jay. I'm extremely interested and hope Nicole or Sina do something in the future for Jay and Jon because right now they are probably the people at DC who I trust the most with the boys!!!

[verdemoun]

How does it go when John and Javier see each other again? Obviously they have their interaction in rdr1 but they don’t talk about how bad things got in the last chapter of rdr2 and I’m curious if either one of them held any bitter feelings and also if John and/ot Arthur noticed how Javier pointed his gun at the sky, refusing to shoot either one of them?

Raaaaaah john and javier in timewarpppp

important context: i headcanon this interaction in rdr2 was actually a response to john asking javier to leave the gang with him, abigail and jack in a 'we had a thing that can't be a thing anymore because i do love my wife and my son and am entirely devoted to keeping them safe but i do still Care about you and don't want to lose you' and javier's response was like 'oh great so i'll be the little mexican peasant turned farmhand waiting for the big tough landowner to get bored of his wife and come fuck me?'

^^ in saying this javier didn't snitch to dutch or micah that john very much had a plan in place to leave because he was still loyal to john too. it was a great act of love to feel like he was betraying dutch but letting john have that chance even though he still felt like john was betraying the gang too

look i love me some toxic yaoi i'm the problem it's me

ALSO in timewarp canon, John did kill Javier and hand his corpse over to the bureau instead of taking Javier in alive. it was a mercy killing in a sense because he did capture Javier alive but he knew Javier too well and did still love him. he didn't want him going through whatever torture they had planned and he knew Javier was afraid as much as he hid it behind taunts and insults.

all of them lived so many lives between 1899 and 1911. javier timewarped, saw the gang and broke down crying like tears of relief to see them but also just the guilt and shame wanting to admit they were right dutch abandoned him the second the pinkertons turned up and he should have trusted arthur and he was a fool not to see through dutch and for arthur it's more of a 'oh shit that's right you were still in beaver hollow too'

it's not something that haunts arthur?? at some point he stopped thinking about that moment it's not a core memory for arthur. he remembers susan being killed, dutch still not believing micah was the rat, the relief of realizing john was still alive only to be cut short by trying to help his little brother flee and saying goodbye knowing it was the last time while still begging dutch to see some semblance of reason and do not go with micah. who was pointing what at who was a detail lost to memory a long time ago

javier escuella was no one's priority in chapter 6. and that hurts ME but also like javier being able to slip away because not even the pinkertons would prioritizes chasing him over hunting down The Dutch van der Linde. no one remembered or held onto what javier did in chapter 6.

javier is so desperate for the gang back and so willing to forget all the bad things and the dark years between 1899-1911. the gang are honestly pretty happy to just let javier be himself in a much more he wants to be rdr2 guitar playing suave loser javier instead of some dictator's hired gun

john and javier, however, is like. they still love each other guys they are the same breed of doomed as arthur and mary where it just would never work but that love is still there.

javier is sorry john didn't get to go back to his family. he genuinely feels bad because he knows john didn't willingly decide to hunt him down after 12 years (well maybe the gang had to fill him in on the whole abigail and jack were literally being held hostage situation but javier didn't hold onto that anger for long at all)

john very honestly says he is sorry for what happened in 1911 and if he had any other choice he would never choose to capture or kill javier. what he does not say is he has nightmares over the second he pulled the trigger and javier became a corpse and the angst of being so used to seeing corpses but the fact it was javier, having to carry him limp to the awaiting bureau car, the absolute psychological toll it had on him.

there is an intensely painful moment where while neither one says it they are both have the thought of 'well abigail isn't going to be here for three years do we - pick up with how things were in 1899?' cross their minds

But john is so in love with abigail and missing his wife and also having his daughter back having to raise her as a sole parent for 3 years until abigail gets there when the cumulative time he spent with jack one-on-one probably doesn't even add up to three years.

javier is having to redefine himself. he really doesn't know who he is being with the gang again. he half expects to look into the mirror and see his younger rdr2 self but it's not. does he really want to immediately fall back into john and what is for lack of better words an affair? getting to play house and be in a relationship until the second abigail appears and knowing he will never be john's priority over her?

damn if only there was some autistic irish loser who also loves fishing, understands the intense complexity of guilt and betrayed loyalty, abandoning ideals for the sake of survival, and could help javier learn he deserves better than being john's second choice

javier and bill though are also proper friends they get to talk to each other about it because both have very intense responses and different perspectives on beaver hollow. also hc they ran with each other for a fair while after the gang fell apart before splitting off because bill was slowly starting to form his own gang and javier was just tired and did not want to go through that again esp because bill was already power tripping.

[alonelystargazer]

Some time has passed now, which has allowed me to reflect on my thoughts about Choso's death and I wanna share them (of course, this is just MY opinion, you don't need to agree with me)

Chapter 259 spoilers ahead

I fell SO fast and hard for Choso as a character. I haven't even known him for a full year. To be honest, I don't think I would be as obsessed with JJK as I am now if it weren't for him (and Nanami). I was just a casual fan when I first watched the anime in 2021, and have been until I finally decided to read the manga. Choso struck me to my core and to me, he is on par, or perhaps even a step above Nanami, as my favorite character of the series.

I LOVE HIM WITH MY WHOLE HEART. I was utterly devastated when he died, and I shared my grief over a fictional character with other fans online. I didn't feel alone.

I wish he was still around for Yuji, I wish he had more time to "live as a human", but I've made my peace with him being gone.

I don't really remember what things I said that week Chapter 259 dropped. I may have let my emotions blind me and say some dumb things, but some time has passed now and it has allowed me to think more objectively about this situation.

I'm not trying to debate whether I believe JJK is a masterpiece of fiction or not with this post, but I will say that if Choso had to die, the way it happened in canon was as meaningful as it could have been.

He fought to the very last second of his life to protect his brother. Before he passed, he got to have one last conversation with Yuji in their little dream world where he praised him for his progress as a sorcerer, and apologized for, what he believes, were his own faults and setbacks.

But Choso also got to hear Yuji call him big brother , the one thing he wanted from him the moment he accepted him as his younger brother. And he thanked Yuji for giving him that gift, for letting him be a big brother again.

He may have felt useless as teacher, which means he probably died believing he didn't fulfill his role as the big brother properly, but Yuji believed in him so much and thanked him for being by his side when he needed support in his most dire moments.

After all the death and destruction Yuji faced in Shibuya, Choso stepped in and provided him with companionship, encouragement, loyalty, and love, everything Yuji probably thought he lost back then. And he made sure to let Choso know that he appreciated having him by his side and for everything he did for him.

I understand the reasons why some Choso fans don't agree that he should have died, or at least, how his death was handled.

He deserved to live and be his own person outside of the role of protective older brother. He deserved to live as a human--find hobbies, explore the world, try new foods, make new friends, etc--just as Yuki wanted for him. Her sacrifice shouldn't have been in vain. That he was doomed to die for his decision to prioritize his brothers above himself. Love is the most twisted curse of all, of course.

Also, that it seemed like his death was overshadowed when Todo was reintroduced, Yuji's "real brother" as some Todo fans have said.

Yeah, in a sense, it did seem like Todo's return overshadowed Choso. Why was this the moment he decided to come back? There was no hint of him coming back, no build up to his return, at least none that I can think of.

But also, what was Yuji supposed to do after he saw Choso turn to ashes? By now, he knows that if he let the time pass to grieve and blame himself, like he did in Shibuya, Sukuna could have used that as an opportunity to sneak up on him and take him out.

And maybe it didn't seem like his death served any purpose for the others, but it helped Yuji , and Yuji was the most important person in Choso's life after his other brothers died.

And in defense of Todo, he's not replacing Choso and his role as Yuji's brother. Todo calls himself Yuji's "brother" in the close friend type of way. He's still apart of Yuji's found family and support group, a friend that encouraged him to get back up and continue fighting in the moments after he witnessed his loved ones die. Yeah, it's unfair that no one is allowed to grieve, but that isn't a luxury they can afford to have when they're in the battlefield.

I'm sure that if Choso and Todo ever met, Choso would be grateful for him for supporting Yuji and helping him improve his sorcery in ways Choso probably couldn't. As in his words, blood manipulation comes instinctively to him.

In this cruel world of jujutsu where giving up your humanity, turning yourself into a monster, gives someone the chance of becoming powerful, Choso choose to keep his humanity, to choose love, but in turn, it cursed him.

But that's just who Choso is, he lived for his brothers. Despite the way they came into the world, Choso always choose to love his brothers, unconditionally, to the very end.

TL;DR: I can't say if Choso's death was "necessary", but I do believe that if he had to die in this story, the way it actually happened was perhaps the best possible scenario for him.

He may have died with regrets, but he was still able to help his brother Yuji one last time by protecting him from Sukuna's flames. And he got the greatest gift: a second chance at being a big brother, and to hear those words of gratitude in his final moments.

[justafriend-ql]

"is it wrong that i love you more?" - scene analysis

underlying the time travel conflict in never let me go's our skyy 2 episodes is the conflict that stems from nueng's decision to continue studying abroad to get his master's degree instead of coming back to bangkok as palm expected. the fight they have over nueng's decision reveals fault-lines in their relationship that have existed from the start, which ultimately tie back to palm and nueng's different understandings of what it means to love and be loved.

the fight begins when nueng confesses that he has decided to pursue a master's degree in the U.S. without previously consulting palm. this is a hard blow for palm, not only because they have already dealt with the difficulties of a long-distance relationship for several years, but also because he had made arrangements to live with nueng in bangkok once he graduated based on the assumption that he'd be coming back to thailand. both palm and nueng are in the wrong for making big life decisions without talking to each other first. So why did they hesitate to tell each other their plans?

the problem boils down to two big differences in how palm and nueng understand and express love:

1) nueng sees love as something that exists separately from other aspects of life, such as school and work. palm, in contrast, sees love as something that suffuses all other areas of life.

2) nueng expresses his love by honoring palm's autonomy and freedom. palm expresses his love through his devotion and service to nueng.

it's easy to see how these orientations to love conflict with each other, and this isn't the first time we've seen palm and nueng butt heads because of them. for example, nueng decided to leave palm after his mother's death in episode 9 because he knew staying with him would be dangerous and wanted palm to prioritize his own future and happiness. he fails recognize that staying with nueng is the only future palm wants, regardless of the danger it may put him in.

these conflicting orientations toward love rear their heads again in the argument palm and nueng have following his confession about his plan to stay in the U.S. when palm says nueng should have told him sooner so that he could plan his life differently, nueng reminds him that he told him to plan his life for himself, not for nueng. palm fires back with the loaded question, "am i wrong that i love you more?"

since nueng's method of expressing love (granting autonomy and respecting each other's personal freedom) puts distance between them, while palm's method of expressing love (devotion and service) brings them closer, it can seem like palm loves nueng "more" than nueng loves palm at times. but just as nueng replies, it's not about who loves each other "more" - the root of the problem is that when granted the choice to do anything, palm will choose to be with nueng, and that kind of devotion, i think, scares nueng.

because it feels too much like servitude, like subordination. because nueng has never felt worthy of such devotion. because nueng can't bear to ask more from palm when he's already risked everything for him, having lost a parent and nearly his own life in order to stay with him. nueng was scared to tell palm about his plan to study in the U.S., because he doesn't want palm to wait for him any longer, but he also would never dream of asking palm to come with him, because doing so would, in nueng's mind, be taking away palm's autonomy.

nueng tells palm that he doesn't want their love to be an "obstacle" to their future. here, nueng is showing his orientation to love as something separate from, and somewhat in conflict with, the rest of life. this orientation probably stems from his parents, who repeatedly expressed their desire for nueng to be independent, decisive, and capable so that he could take over the family business as they intended. nueng's drive to learn and ready himself to fulfill his parent's expectations (which have at this point become his expectations for himself, without need of external reinforcement) means he often prioritizes other things before his romantic relationship with palm.

this obviously conflicts with palm's predisposition to prioritize his relationship with nueng over everything else. like nueng, this is in line with his upbringing. the fact that his parents were so absent from palm's childhood likely conditioned palm to throw his entire being into loving nueng; after finally finding someone to love and love him back, he wants to hold on tight, lest they abandon him too. and unlike nueng, who was raised with high expectations on his shoulders related to work and school, no one has every expected great things from palm (including himself). when maggie asks him what he wants to do when he's older, palm says he's just living in the present for now; when nueng asks palm what his life would be like if they'd never met, palm says his life would probably be boring, that he'd be stuck catching fish for a living. the point is, palm never had a direction in life until he met nueng. thereafter, nueng became his compass.

neither one of them is "wrong" per se, but the argument stings palm more than nueng because it re-opens old wounds. palm reflects that nueng making the decision to continue studying abroad is just like the decisions he made in the "early days" of their relationship when he was not in nueng's plan. here, he's referring to when nueng left palm at the motel and went to bangkok to confront kit and take on his responsibilities at the hotel alone, ordering palm not to come looking for him. this decision, although intended to protect palm, only deepened the lack of self-worth palm had as a result of his parents abandoning him. now, it's like nueng is choosing to abandon him again.

but despite his decision, nueng doesn't want to be apart from palm. in fact, being separated from palm both terrifies and debilitates him. i've written in previous posts about how palm and nueng are coded as body and mind, and how that further sets them up as soulmates who need each other to survive. the body will always follow the mind (i.e., nueng gives palm's life direction, or purpose). but the mind cannot do anything without the body operating in concert with it (i.e., nueng can't effectively accept and achieve his "great future" without palm by his side).

in episode 10, we saw how much palm's absence debilitated nueng. while he put on an intimidating, confident act when confronting his enemies, he became a scared, lonely little boy as soon as he returned home. in the scene just before their fight, you can see the fear in nueng's eyes when he worries that palm and him may not be able to be together in this timeline, where their status difference is even greater and love between men is even more prohibited. and when they return to the present, nueng grabs and shakes palm, eyes slightly manic as he asks, "does it mean that our curse is reversed? i will get to be with you, right?" nueng needs palm, desperately.

palm and nueng are actually more on the same page than it would seem at first glance. just as nueng decides to be away from palm even though he doesn't want to, palm is upset about nueng's master degree plan even though he fully supports nueng's educational pursuits. when petch whips nueng after their fight and palm rushes to his rescue, he lies and claims to have taught nueng how to speak english in order to assuage the other servants' suspicions about him. while him being the one to teach nueng english is a lie, what he says next isn't. he says he wants nueng to have an education so he can be "proud of himself."

this statement is interesting for a couple of reasons. for one, it mirrors but slightly differs from what palm says when he tells nueng he took an undergraduate course to learn english. he tells nueng he did it because he wanted nueng to be proud of him and to not be embarrassed that his boyfriend is only a high school graduate. clearly, his lack of education is a source of insecurity for palm, and nueng's plan to pursue an even higher degree of education may worsen that insecurity. but at the end of the day, he supports nueng's educational goals. he knows that nueng has high expectations for himself, and beyond that, he knows how much nueng enjoys learning. he's seen how nueng's eyes lit up when he got to tell palm about plato's theory of love and how excited he was about the research paper about the psychological effect of the scent of your loved ones. nueng loves to learn, and palm loves watching nueng do what he loves (see: the proud look on his face when nueng is teaching the other servants english).

so, in summary: both palm and nueng want to stay together, and both of them want nueng to pursue his educational goals. they just don't know how to achieve both at the same time. after nueng's whipping puts things back in perspective for them, they resolve to work together to figure out a solution. at the end of the second our skyy episode, palm reveals his solution: coming to live with nueng abroad for a few months and gaining language and work experience in the process.

there are a few things i want to highlight in this concluding scene. first, nueng again encourages palm to think about himself first, telling him to choose whatever makes him happy. this is consistent with how nueng has granted palm autonomy throughout the series. when palm starts off by saying he has his own plan, making nueng think he'll lose palm. nueng tells palm that he understands and turns away to hide the tears welling in his eyes. nueng tries to hide his despair, because he truly does want palm to put himself first.

but being with nueng is what makes palm happy, so of course, palm makes a plan that ensures he can spend more time with him. what's different from the plan he had to live with nueng in bangkok is that living abroad will push him to try new things and develop new skills. in this way, nueng's ambition and approach to love helps palm invest in himself as well as their relationship.

after palm reveals his plan to stay with nueng, he knowingly asks if nueng "feels better now." because palm has always seen through neung's arrogant, detached facade. because he knows how tender and vulnerable nueng is at his core. because he knows that nueng needs him just as much as he needs nueng. and when he asks, nueng lets the act drop, admitting that he feels "very, very, very much better." he didn't dare ask palm to come with him, because he wants palm to make that decision of his own accord. and palm, understanding this, does so.

before palm stalked away from their fight in episode 1, he said that the fortune teller could be right - maybe nueng and him will never be together. (side note: this is a somber parallel to nueng claiming that at their fight at the rocks in episode 9). but it's not because of a curse. it's because they've never been able to overcome the circumstances and forces pulling them apart. these are both external (status difference) and internal (approaches to love). finally, in this lifetime, they are able to overcome both and be together once and for all.

[cosmicjoke]

❤️ I really appreciate the nuance and depth to your analysis, and how you approach these characters from a psychological and objective viewpoint. You consider Levi to be a man who choses duty and I agree. I am not sure if you have read Chainsaw Man, but it features a character named Aki who is similar to him. The story showcases his obsession with revenge, how his stoicism and sacrifice destroys any relationships or potential joy he could have gained from life. It seems to represent the Japanese proverb of “He who seeks revenge digs two graves”.

I think of this often when I see his obsession with killing Zeke. Levi, ultimately, tears himself apart and loses all his friends for revenge and duty. It has disastrous effect on the world, but the most disastrous effects are to him. What do you think of this interpretation?

First, thank you for your kind words.

But Levi didn't want to kill Zeke out of revenge, so no, I don't agree with that interpretation.

People always make this mistake. They think he wanted Zeke dead to satisfy his own anger, but it had nothing to do with that.

Levi wanted Zeke dead because the 100 soldiers that died that day in Shinganshina died so that Levi could kill Zeke. That was literally the reason they sacrificed their lives, and those sacrifices couldn't be given meaning until Levi killed Zeke. It was about ensuring his comrades didn't die in vain, not about revenge or satisfying himself in some way.

Also, your statement that Levi loses all his friends and tears himself apart for revenge and duty isn't really accurate. Levi has multiple opportunities to kill Zeke, multiple opportunities he refuses to take, because he prioritizes the well-being of humanity over his personal vow to Erwin and the other Scouts. If Levi really only cared about killing Zeke and getting "revenge" on him, he would have killed him at the first opportunity, which would have been in Shinganshina. But Levi holds off because he knows that Zeke might be valuable to the cause of humanity, and again later, he holds off because he knows Zeke's life is, for the moment, essential to safeguarding the island. Protecting people and their lives is more important to Levi than the vow he made to Erwin. Again, that's proven by the fact that Levi doesn't just kill Zeke immediately.

Levi isn't a man who chooses duty above all else. He isn't a man so dedicated to any cause, that any and all sacrifice to that cause is acceptable to him. Rather, it's people and their lives that matter to Levi. He does what he can to protect those lives and, failing that, to help people fulfill their dreams, to support them in whatever it is they choose to do with those lives. His duty, then, if you want to call it that, isn't to some overarching and indefinite goal, but to people themselves. It's the cause itself that needs to prove it's worth people's lives, not people's lives that are an acceptable sacrifice to the cause. As Levi says, an exhaustingly idealistic world is the only thing that would be worth those lives. An impossible dream, then. No, actually achievable goal is worth those people's lives, in Levi's mind.

His desire to kill Zeke had nothing to do with vengeance, or furthering some abstract goal or ideology, but with proving that the lives, and therefore, the deaths of the men and women that sacrificed themselves for that goal were worth something. Levi values life so much, that he can't bear the thought of it being lost for no reason. There needs to be a reason, because it makes no sense to him that it should be lost for nothing. He can't bear the thought that those soldiers in Shinganshina died for nothing. Again, it comes down to people mattering to Levi, not a dream or ideology. He wants to prove that people's lives matter. And above that, he wants to protect people's lives.

[is-that-sand-in-my-waffles]

A couple people have asked me to expand on my "Ezra Bridger is a foil to Anakin Skywalker" comment, so here goes:

(Please remember that all of this is just my opinion and based on how I personally see these characters. This post is rather critical of Anakin Skywalker and I am TERRIFIED to post it because of how strongly people feel about Anakin as a character. I'm going to outright say that I will NOT be blaming his fall on the Jedi Order. If you are anti-Jedi, please just keep scrolling.)

A foil is a character whose purpose in the narrative is to contrast with another character, usually, a character who contrasts with the protagonist, in order to better highlight or differentiate certain qualities of the protagonist.

Ezra, like Anakin, had a difficult early life. He survived on the streets from the age of SEVEN. That's practically a baby (this is NOT devaluing Anakin's trauma - being a slave for 9 years clearly left a mark on him, understandably). Both of them struggled to open up to the people that offered them a new home (but both imprinted HARD on the first available potential father-figure - no shame there, Anakin, Qui-Gon is also my dad).

They both were separated from (and later lost) their biological parent(s). They both became padawans at an older than average age. And most importantly, they both struggled with the pull toward the Dark.

The obvious contrast here is simply that Anakin fell while Ezra managed to not to (even though he did come dangerously close), but a deeper contrast is in the reason why Ezra was able to not fall.

I believe that Ezra was able to pull away from the Dark because of the lessons he learned while with his adopted family and because of his gift for and desire to connect with other living beings.

As far as I know, Anakin did not have any close friends besides his master, his wife, and his padawan. And Rex. Of these, the only person he was generally open and honest with was Padme, who knew about his attack on the Tuskens and of course about their marriage. While Anakin appears to be friendly with the other Jedi at points throughout his life, he doesn't form any close friendships with them (the Jedi are allowed to be friends! They're just not allowed to prioritize their friends over the good of others).

Anakin chose to keep his secrets and he chose to not pursue friendship within his community. His support system was flawed because he chose not to engage, even when others reached out to him (Obi-Wan actually does ask Anakin how he is feeling on multiple occasions and Anakin usually deflects).

His main issue is that the love he has for these people is possessive in nature. They're HIS, and he has a difficult time letting them go or letting them make their own decisions.

And, most importantly, he wants to have it all. He wants to be a Jedi AND he wants to be married. Everyone else in the Order has made the decision, has understood that its not both/and, its either/or, for the sake of the greater good. Anakin shows countless times over the course of the Clone Wars that he will chose Padme over everything else, every single time, and that is directly contradictory to his duty as a Jedi. But he's Anakin Skywalker and he WILL have it all, no matter the cost.

Ezra, on the other hand, had the Ghost crew - people who challenged him, loved him, and encouraged him to be open about his past and his feelings (you know, the same thing that Anakin's friends tried to do for him!). But the support system wouldn't have worked if Ezra hadn't taken those steps and connected to them. Emotionally speaking, he was very close with his family and, over the course of 4 seasons, built up a network of friends to supplement it.

Like Anakin, Ezra feared losing those he loved. That's why he nearly fell! The holocron preyed on his desire for power specifically to protect his family! It was only through trusting Kanan and his teachings (and seeing where using the Dark would lead) that Ezra was able to understand that the Dark Side leads only to suffering, pain, and being wholly, entirely alone (Maul was a walking billboard for that).

Like Anakin, he had difficulty letting people go - he needed Ahsoka's counsel to let Kanan go- but in the end he succeeds where Anakin failed because he understood the principle of unselfish love.

In the end, Ezra shot himself off to who knows where on a ship full of his enemies because understood that he COULDN'T have it all - he couldn't save his planet and his family and still be with them.

TLDR; Ezra is a foil to Anakin because he was able to connect with others and put his duty as a Jedi above his personal attachments.

Sorry of this was kind of rambling and all over the place! This is why I usually communicate my Star Wars feelings exclusively in memes and shitposts.

(One last note - To be fair to Anakin, Ezra didn't have the devil himself, Old Sheevy whispering in his ear for ten years, driving a wedge between master and apprentice, and validating every toxic thought he'd ever had. I promise that I don't hate Anakin! I love him very much but he makes some very bad life decisions)

[study-with-chai]

| 12.22.2023 |

Hello! Sorry I've been gone so long. Fall semester took a lot out of me physically and mentally. I've taken a week long break since my last final to really recuperate. It's time to start studying again though, next semester's classes are going to be tough, but I really want to learn from my mistakes and do the best I can.

So much has happened this semester, both inside and outside of school. School left me feeling physically and mentally exhausted. I lost a lot of confidence for sure, the experience proved to be way more than I could have anticipated. After looking back, I will say I'm content. I'm going to give myself some room to take pride in the fact that despite all that's happened, I've managed to come out with not just okay grades, but good ones (despite the perfectionist in me saying otherwise). Definitely will try to adapt and learn from my mistakes for the next semester so I can give the best I can. And next semester, I'm definitely going to prioritize some healthy habits. It's going to be tough semester on its own, there's no reason for me to make it harder by neglecting myself.

Outside of school, I learned a lot about myself and where I stand in other's lives. I think a lot of the issues come from me placing way too much weight into what others think of me, and then putting in too much energy into keeping people in my life, who may not necessarily be good to keep or even want to be part of my life. There was an argument which really made me concerned on whether I was a good person or not, and it left me wanting to withdraw from everyone. But, after talking about it with my therapist, I'm determined to work on going easier on myself. I want to be concerned with doing my best in being a good person and being content with who I am. Others are going to perceive you as they please, there's no point in trying to please everyone. So if it's out of my control, it's out of my mind. I'm also going to try to instill some healthy boundaries within some of my relationships. I feel like I let people walk all over me for the sake of keeping people in my life. But the only person this is hurting is myself. If someone naturally drifts, so be it. It's good to surround yourself with people who want to be around you, as much as you want to be around them.

Have a good rest of the year everyone, and here's to self-improvement!

[kickthecan-revolution]

Random Monday morning thoughts

Anxiety dreams of a 2pm flight to China and it was ten past noon on my old fashioned wall clock - I still hadn’t called a Lyft and was running around trying to find a warm jacket to pack. I haven’t had one of those dreams in awhile.

Work wise, I feel like I’m at a party at the end of the evening and I’ve decided/told the host I’m leaving - now I’m just at the door, waiting for my friends I came with to say their goodbyes. The party is over and I’m calm because I know I’m leaving, I’m not there anymore.

I’m quieter in this election year - it’s mostly a deep interior re-wiring of my beliefs. The Palestinian genocide is not something I can speak of, horror that doesn’t have a language for me. You know something’s evil when they target kids. That the USA will not push for a ceasefire has left me upside down on who we are, what I align to politically and where I live. I’m reading a lot about the world stage, the macro-danger across Western Allies vs our stated enemies and see how close we are to a WW3. How the USA is a protector in so many ways I didn’t understand, the US Navy protecting the cargo ships moving across the world, etc. a protector of basic capitalism, I guess, but as we do that less due to withdrawal of military funding, pirates popped up 27x more in those areas. I saw it keenly in my international travel - the role we play on the world stage, seeing the US as a “protector” through other’s eyes. Those same people are terrified as we buddy up to Russia via Tucker Carlson, etc., only because of what it means for their basic safety. They don’t care that the US seems to be rotted at our core. I get it.

One perspective says we need a War to start over in the USA but war has never adjusted or dismantled underlying systems like capitalism, it’s just fueled it. Ultimately, the USA will use force in wartime, even on its own people. That will be a decision on what we want to die for. Another side says a war will cause the USA to do anything necessary to protect systems in place because we need them to win.

So what force will change the legal system? What catalyst? Is it organizing? That absolutely worked in the Civil Rights movement, but there had to be more catalysts than just that - what were they? What forced America to change? What kind of catalyst combinations are needed to change these foundational, old systems? 200 years isn’t old-old. Is it spiritual? My intuition is the visceral tribalism that human beings operate within for our identity and how we move through life and how that is expressed in American power systems - white, Zionist, Christian, Southern, Liberal, etc. is what we’ll need to let go of first, and that’s so much harder. Many of us are lost as human beings without those tribes, and letting go of that identity can be terrifying and destabilizing. And people will never do it unless they believe in the human experience we’ll have here when they do. Oddly, a World War were the only moments we set those aside temporarily because we had a common enemy greater than ourselves.

So how do we collectively/personally envision that outside of being in a war on our domestic land? Enough to let go of our current understanding of who they are? A world where Black people aren’t incarcerated at disproportional rates. Where kids in Gaza aren’t slaughtered. Where it’s national pride that every citizen has basic needs met, a universal income and living wage. How do we realign on the values of what makes a society truly great?

A World War feels probable so the politics on the US Stage seem almost inconsequential until I heard Trump say he’d encourage Putin to go after an ally. That made my blood run cold. Ultimately I come back to my progressive roots, that the government should prioritize the vulnerable, and that’s not me - I’m white, I have retirement funds and I am not going to get pregnant. There’s comfort in a few of those ideals still showing up in the larger Democratic Party when nothing else about being a Democrat feels true anymore. Maybe it never was. It’s enough for me to vote on, at least right now, but it’s lacking any real change. I see that now, that this basic organization of political party is now identity, which makes it even uglier, less impactful and a vehicle for toxicity vs real change.

It’s like the party is over, and we’re all just waiting.

[nerdieforpedro]

WIP Wednesday Game

Tagged by @wannab-urs @frenchiereading @megamindsecretlair @pedroshotwifey

Thank you all tagging me 🥰 You all know I always have ideas, the problem is usually follow through. 😂 and completion.

Step one: Post snippets of the fics you're working on (can be a summary if there's no snippet)

Step two: put them in a poll and let people vote on which one you should work on, then prioritize the one with the most votes.

Step three: Ask me about my WIPs! I've got lots of lore to share + more snippets, etc.

My March Spring Prompts! I’m really enjoying doing them this month. I’ve been trying to include as many different Pedro and Oscar characters as possible with some connecting drabbles. 🥰

A sample of part two of "The Lake between Us" (Thank you all for enjoying part one, I didn't quite expect such a response for it. Should I make a tag list for it? 🤔) Ezra AU x plus size OFC - name in future parts:

Things were tenuous at first but they worked out she’s to call him ‘Uncle’ or Mr. Ezra. It worked better in social situations and she became his little ‘Birdie.’ Scaling down the jobs he took on to mitigate risk was a challenge and were worth less but he had to live not only for himself now. The pair moved around some before he enrolled her in school in Louisiana but ensured that he taught her when she came home in the evenings and on the weekends. The child hated the extra lesions, but it enabled her to be leagues ahead of her peers as far as studies went. Ezra was determined not to suffer another fool and would do what he could so that Cee wouldn’t follow in her father’s steps of idiocy. The results of his care, diligence and support was realized at both her high school graduation which he had never imagined attending anyone’s graduation except his own and to travel with his charge to see the college she’d chosen.

Nuestras canciones (Our Songs) Santiago Garcia x Amalia (plus size OFC) @reallyrallyauthor liked my Santiago spring prompt for today so I felt motivated to finally write another part to this mini-series:

Santiago saw a woman by herself lost in the music, the glow from her skin from perspiration. He didn’t see a reason why he shouldn’t make his way over to her so he did, but he waited until she opened her eyes again and was surprised by him. She laughed and apologized where he told her there was no reason to. Holding his hands out, she peered down and slid her fingers along his palms. The last song died down and the next started, it was slower, sensual, intimate. Garcia interlocked his fingers with hers as they moved back and forth, step by step. His eyes met hers, pulling one of her hands toward him and placing it on his shoulder. His palm found a place on her hip as his lips skimmed her forearm up to her shoulder, pulling her closer. They didn’t say anything as they moved in sync. Once the music ended this time, they stepped outside so they could hear each other speak. By the time they finally exchanged phone numbers, the club was emptying out and Amalia looked toward her friends as did Santiago. The pair had spoken about the dancing, club, food, drinks, if they were single, music and a few bad jokes. Well, between the both of them, quite a few bad jokes. 

My third WIP is one that I choose to blame @mysterious-moonstruck-musings since she fancies herself a sweet Dieter. So I gotta deliver because this is what she wants apparently. 🤭 I have vibes and two paragraphs at this point. Basically, you meet Dieter through one of his PA (because he's got 4 or 5 personal assistants who keeps track?) and he finds drawn to you? Was it crocs? Was it pizza? Was it a two am dance party to Paramore and Linkin Park? Maybe it was all of them or something else entirely? I'll work it out.

My last WIP is one I've been kicking around for a bit. It's a WIP I have with Marcus Pike. I've been dabbling him after a shooting or passing his firearm recertification exam and having PTSD (because I haven't tortured a Pedro character recently 👀) This one is also vibes, still working it out. I started mentioning therapy in my March prompts and it snowballed into this WIP.

This is what I have this week. Poor Javi G's outline still isn't vibing with me. I am going to figure it out though. 😭

Let me know if you have any questions about any of them. 🤗

NPT: @maggiemayhemnj @magpiepills @morallyinept @inept-the-magnificent @covetyou @chronically-ghosted @for-a-longlongtime @legendary-pink-dot @gemmahale @schnarfer @romanarose @perotovar @soft-girl-musings @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin @tinytinymenace @alltheglitterandtheroar @drawingdroid @yourcoolauntie @trulybetty @hannibals-favourite-meal @thefrogdalorian @gasolinerainbowpuddles

[aihoshiino]

hi! what are your thoughts on the mothers in oshi no ko?

hello anon!! I sat on this one for a little bit because it really made me sit and go Hm to myself so sorry for the wait but i hope this is still shrimptresting to read.

that said I am going to uh immediately circumvent the actual text of this question to get more into the spirit of things so, whoops on that!

this question actually got me to think about motherhood as a theme in oshi no ko and i was kind of surprised to turn it over in my brain and realize just how prominent of a motif it is - which i guess is silly given that the first chapter/episode is called 'mother and children' and the whole series literally is called The Children Of The Girl Whomst I Stan but........................

i think it's interesting that Ai is not only a point of comparison for all the other girls in the entertainment industry as a sort of perfect ideal idol for everyone to live up to and aspire to emulate but she also sort of ends up being this same sort of symbol in terms of motherhood, too - which is pretty powerful to me when you consider that in just about every way imaginable, Ai was an incredible un-ideal mother. She was an abused child with no healthy parenting modelled for her, she was underage and a single mom and forced to keep her relationship with her kids a secret. She had deep, deep trauma that prevented her from connecting to them as fully as she wanted to.

But all that stuff is ultimately made almost irrelevant by the sheer force and purity of the love Ai had for her children. At every single step she made the right choices for them out of overflowing, overwhelming love and compassion and a desire to give them happiness and opportunities that she herself was not given.

In that sense, Ai is not just a point of comparison but also a condemnation. If you look around the rest of the cast, you'll notice again and again how the huge impact that mothers are shown to have on their children – and how neglectful or outright abusive mothers leave lasting scars on the children in their care. Ai was horrifically physically abused and later abandoned by her birth mother. Sarina suffered under a toxic mother who valued her own convenience and comfort over those of her terminally ill child and ultimately neglected and abandoned her. Gorou lost his mother in childbirth and never knew her and grew up with an implied to be strained relationship with his grandmother as a result. Kana was shopped around as a commodity by her mother, forcing her own desire for fame onto her daughter, only to be abused and later abandoned when she could not give her mother what she was asking for.

It's not just actively bad or neglectful mothers who have this sort of impact - we see through Memcho how a well-meaning and mutually loving parent-child relationship can be complicated by outside factors, forcing responsibilities and caretaking on the child that should not have been theirs to shoulder in such a way that Mem felt as though she had no choice but to abandon her own dreams and wants to prioritize said responsibilities. She puts on a brave face but this is obviously something that still causes her pain.

This is what I mean when I say Ai is a condemnation of sorts. Ai had just about every possible roadblock in her way to being a good mother, but she actively chose at every point she could up to her actual honest to god dying breaths to pour out love, to value and uplift her children in every way that she possibly could. This poses a sort of subtextual question-by-comparison to every mother in the series who fails to do the same: what's your excuse? If Ai could do this, why couldn't you?

Motherhood is hard as fuck, to be clear! Raising a child is back breaking, thankless, joyful work. The vast majority of abusive and toxic mothers do not actively decide to harm their children - but they do decide to make the choices that will cause harm and pain as collateral damage.

But again, that question: if someone with every imaginable hurdle in their way could make the right choices again and again and again, what's stopping everybody else?

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

Did you know that I can't even find historical information on my own people anymore? I tracked my family back and eventually managed to find which ethnic group of Judaism my family comes from, and when I try to learn more about my heritage, my history, it's all buried under stories of the death and destruction of my people at their own fucking hands because they were the wrong type of Jew. Israel didn't care that they destroyed my own Jewish history alongside the gentile Palestinian and other Arab populations because none of us were what they had in mind for their Jewish state.

I'm tired. I want peace and safety for people who are just trying to survive. I know that means different things to different people and heaven forbid we say it without declaring which people we mean. Why can't the whole of me and my history be human? Why must only parts of me ever be acknowledged in order for my voice to be worth hearing?

Why can't we understand that death and genocide will only ever beget more death and genocide? We will not find peace or safety in the destruction of others. Never. Why is this so hard for people to grasp?

I have spent a lifetime of questioning, wrestling, with what it means to be safe in a world where people want you dead. Your people and your history expunged from the records of time. Why do we ever think that doing that to someone else will make us safe?

Authoritarianism comes in all shapes and sizes and forms. The dehumanization of the mind comes not just in how we see ourselves but in how we see those who we believe are not "of us". Our liberation as Jewish people will not come with the eradication of the Palestinians, we will only have lost more of ourselves.

This is not a "one side is pure as the driven snow and the other side is evil incarnate" it is simply the acknowledgement that we are all human and we cannot remain so by denying the humanity of those around us.

I have lived for years with the question of "can I balance my concern for my loved ones in the middle east" and the answer is, sometimes no. Sometimes, as a Jewish person with loved ones all over the region, you cannot prioritize everything all the time. We are human. We are grieving. We are witnessing the scale of destruction and having to make choices about where to place our energy.

As Jews, many of us have grown up on stories of resistance. The many different ways that people, cultures, endure and survive this kind of trauma. It is our obligation to recognize that resistance in others and to understand what it means to a people to survive. What it has meant to us to survive.

I am tired. I want to know that the people I love will be safe.

This is something I may never get to know. Why is it so hard to see that this dehumanization is part of that?

[borderline-gays-club]

11/29/23 11:??pm

I think I’ve been so lost for so long that I don’t fully actually know who I am. Like I kno ppl change and shift throughout their life, and I’m at a point where I have lived enough life that I can reflect on all the different time periods and who I was at each period.

But this is not that.

BPD is really never knowing who u are. Even observing ppl who are so sure of themselves can make me kinda envious to be honest. Like it must b nice to not hav to put ur whole body and soul into this work every single day to have a stable identity. I don’t even kno what that looks like inside me. And I don’t mean it in a bitter way at all. It’s just strange to realize that I don’t know what internal stability even is. And other ppl can just not think abt it and they have a stable sense of self. I strive for that of course.

Anyway, bit of a tangeant there. But this is the first time in my adult life that I’ve been fully single. Like no significant other, no one I’m fucking, no one I’m even flirting with, no one that I even find sexually/romantically appealing enough to pursue. Ive just been constantly hopping around since I ever started dating at age 15/16. I haven’t fully been able to really be with myself for over a decade. Bc lust and love have just been an addiction to the easiest form of attention. And pseudo care. Even when that “care” was literally abuse this whole time.

And now I’m here. With me again. The many Mes that have passed thru this body. Some I can’t even really understand anymore. Some still come by every once in a while. Some that I’m very embarrassed of but trying to find a way to talk to those mes as well.

I’m prioritizing myself. I know I still have a lot of problems to work through and I will never know all the answers. But I hope my current belief that things are going in a positive direction are correct. I hope I can look back at this later and b able to say to myself I told u so.

[edwarddominicemilio]

I AM EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE ALL AT ONCE

"The soul which has no fixed purpose in life is lost; to be everywhere, is to be nowhere." - Michel de Montaigne

I watched Everything Everywhere All at Once at a time when I was getting lost in life. Wow, what a terribly apropos film for me to stumble upon - almost as if it was godsent.

I understood how Jobu Topaki felt: to see so many versions of yourself in so many different universes all vying for a life each incarnation of you could have lived.

Right now, I wish I was exercising, I wish I looked my best, I wish I had a car, I wish I was mentally well, I wish I played my classic video games and watched my classic films and read my classic books.

I'm jealous of P who does these things. I'm jealous R who does these things.

All these negative feelings gather in me and I curl up into a ball, never to rise up again.

And my purpose too...I feel lost. Do I want to be a lawyer? Do I want to be a teacher? Do I want to be holistic? Do I want focused skills?

I'm so fucking tired.

Everything Everywhere All At Once is about empathy. Right now, I am just freewriting. My mind is in a state of utter chaos. This is exactly how Evelyn and Jobu felt. I need to understand that people have different universes in their mind too. People have ten million tabs open in the browsers of their brain. All it takes is a little bit of understanding to make sure I am not the reason the other person bursts into flames.

Was it like that when I broke contact with J? Not really, I was just hungry back then. But yeah, I was thinking about so many things. There was Jessup, there was the trauma from the rain, there was my gloomy future of singleness, there was loneliness, there was boredom.

I wish I had the ability to focus. I would have been supremely productive. But then, heh, I would not have been as intellectually astute.

Maybe I have ADHD. I have so many things in my mind. I always address different topics when conversing. I get lost in thought often. I'm impulsive.

What would the other Edward in other universes be doing?

Maybe one is a scientist. Another one is a doctor. Another one is a teacher. Another one is married to A, another one to J. Another one pursued P with all his might.

I guess the Edward married to J will be my favorite timeline. In another life, I would have loved doing laundry and taxes with her.

But Everything Everywhere All At Once also taught me to be contended with things. Each choice led me here and this is the universe I'm in. I can only look forward to the future of this universe, not in the futures of other universes.

What would my life have been if I stayed in Cebu? I would be hanging out with P often, maybe gotten close to her even more. Now, I'm a figment of her past. I'm not even in J's faintest memory.

This piece is my stream of consciousness. Its lack of direction is a metaphor for my mind. Chaotic. Unhinged. Usually, I make a framework for my write-ups, then I edit them, then I post. Now, fuck it, this is my stream of consciousness.

It's similar to what I do in a journal, I just write and write and write and write some more. Whatever be the content. The problem is there is no intellectual orgasm. There is no finish. No bang, to know when to clap.

That's the struggle with ADHD.

One way ADHD is portrayed in this movie is Evelyn's quest for silence...and her inability to know what to do with it. There are so many tasks I had to forego because I wanted to do them at a place for silence. Needless to say, I haven't found one. Or if I had, I would use the peace to sleep. Wow, that's ADHD with depression.

It took me a several minutes to write this piece. That's because I'm getting distracted by the other tabs open in my browser, by the fact that I'm writing this at the office with other people beside me, by all the other tasks I'm supposed to do etc.

Would the universe change if I did one act different? Prioritized one task over the other? What is the minimum amount of change necessary to produce a discernible difference in my life?

I'm tired, I want to rest.

I want to stop feeling everything everywhere all at once.