#i am so broke all the time. i can barely afford food to eat

[marco--the--phoenix]

I deleted my old vent blog. But I gotta gwt this out.

Tw: depression - eating disorder- personal - mental health - suicide - financial issues - chronic illness

For 5 years we have lived on bare minimum. Sometimes we can do the odd nice thing here or there but it'll drain us.

Every month is a making ends meet kinda month and sometimes we go without very often.

One meal a day, I go without phone service or unable to leave the house.

It's not even our fault. Wife works full time, I can't work due to both mental and physical health.

I am so unbelievablely grateful to friends who help us out when there's a struggle but I feel so bad every time.

I'm almost 40 and I don't have the means to look after myself. I'm not the worst off person in the world but I'm fucming struggling.

I had an ED that almost killed me many years ago and it permanently crashed my body. I have a dangerous autoimmune disease that's almost killed me once already.

It's agony, my joints lock up, I've been paralysed in pain by arthritis brought on by it. My skin hurts and aches and burns all the time.

I can barely move. I ooze and feel gross and stick to things and feel ugly and gross and vile

My mental health is bad despite being medicated. My adhd is wild and the two have caused me to loose all momentum in myife. I was once in control and on top of everything and now I'm drowning.

I try not to vent to people. So used to being punished for venting rhat I'm terrified if people saw the real deph of what I'm feeling I'd loose them.

I'm sick of money lasting a second. We do like ONE nice thing a month together and even then it's far from wild or much money. We treat ourselves to a little something but like.. a £5 sketch from a friend or a third store shirt for £7 but cus we are so broke all the time and need help it feels shitty to do.

It's bad, all the time.

This month I already have £70 left to live and I've not paid for my phone yet. That 70 I'd for food, travel, anything.

We had to use money we saved for my birthday in March and their upcoming birthday just to make it to the end of every month.

We don't have family or a support network where we live.

I know staying at home doesn't seem like a big deal but reason I made a habit of going with wife to their place of work was because of me not being safe.

We've both worked hard, really hard to start out stores and try sell but it's very disheartening that despite all the effort and hard work no ones biting.

I'm so scared of being a burden to people that I clam up. I've pulled away so much from people already that I'm worried I'm not good enough any more for them.

It's all jealous icky arlf doubting feelings drowning me but I'm tired.

I started chemotherapy again for my illness but had to come off for antibiotics for an ear infection.

Chemotherapy makes me feel sick, tired, awful and without it my body attacks itself.

We are trying to go on a trip this June. Just to another city and we put money we couldn't afford towards it but I for one need a break, need something nice to look forward to, something to keep me fucking going.

I don't want to die, I just want life to be better but I've been strong all my life and I'm so weak these days cus I can't find mental or psychical strength.

I try hard to be there for others, be a good person, look on the bright side but I'm so so fucking exhausted.

I've waited years after year for things to get better. I'm not a negative person I've just been beat over the head so many times.

I'm finally letting myself cry and crumble but I'm close to breaking.

I wish I didn't feel guilty or selfish or bad for having these feelings but I do and I implode.

I just wish it was all easier.

I hope people who read this don't change their view on me or ditch me. I'm so tired and scared and hurting.

I also didn't make this post to beg for money but if there is anyone out there who could just help a little it really does help.

My P @ y p@l is corazon_x_law@yahoo.co.uk (op people it's not a ship. This was back when x didn't mean a ship dhdhdbdhd)

Or my kofi is https://ko-fi.com/cyborgfranky

It's 5am and I sat crying on the toilet like a loser.

I feel better for screaming here but.. damn.

[tinylizzzy]

🦢 intro post

hi everyone, my name is liz/lizzy, and i'm back after being t-worded the other day (used to be @/tinylizzz). this is a vent blog, not a "pro" blog, though i am not and have no plans to be in recovery anytime soon. if you do not have an 3d, please block instead of reporting. i am not encouraging anyone to do anything but recover. i am not evil. i am just so alone in this and need a safe space.

here's a random info dump abt me: i am 20 years old, i'm from the u.s., i'm currently getting my bachelor's and my master's degrees through my school's dual degree program and work as a server to financially support myself through that. i (hopefully) finish up my degrees next april and after that i plan to take a year or two off then apply to PhD programs. i'm also currently working on my thesis so needless to say school/student life is a huge part of my life and i will likely post a lot abt that (especially come september when i'm back to full time credit hours).

i've had disordered behaviors for as long as i can remember now but avoided diagnosis in high school bc i lied easily and was only barely underweight so no one was concerned. plus i was "too smart for all that" in the words of my mom, to my doctor. therefore i don't necessarily like to put a strict label on myself but i do tend to stick to restricting & counting c@ls, plus exercise but i wouldn't say i really overexercise. i am currently intermittent fasting/OMAD mainly out of necessity bc i am broke after paying rent & summer tuition & can't really afford groceries rn lol. i try to eat clean-ish & i have been vegetarian for about 7 or 8 years now. not sure if i'll post daily food logs yet bc that might have gotten me termed but i might post food pics for inspo from time to time.

anyway, tldr: i am a 20 year old student and server in financial stress so i relapsed for comfort and control. again, block don't report please. minors can interact but i won't follow you back, sorry. if you're an adult, let's be moots!

(stats under the cut, ik this is long asf i'm sorry)

height: 5'2-ish

sw: 118 lbs

cw: 107.8 lbs (as of july 30)

gw1: 105 lbs (reach by august 4)

gw2: 99 lbs (reach by august 31)

ugw: 85 lbs (reach by december 31)

[andromedaexists]

I've had a lot of friends reach out to me the past couple days and I just don't have the spoons to respond to all of y'all so I'm gonna say what I need to here:

I love you and appreciate you all. Your condolences and well wishes were received and mean a lot to me.

Now, for those who are not in the loop, I would like to take a moment to tell you about why I haven't been around for a hot minute despite really trying my best to be (under the cut, because good lord are there a lot of heavy topics on the table such as pet loss, depression, mental and physical health and the degradation thereof, stress and anxiety and more)

So, just in a brief bullet point recap, since about july of this years I have:

been switched onto a project at work that put increasingly more important responsibilities on my shoulders despite me saying that i never want to be in that position again

been switched back to my normal project in the middle of a hierarchy shift, therefore not knowing who to contact for literally anything (we're still working this out, btw)

started my final semester of college with 4 classes (reading & translating dead language #1, reading & translating dead language #2, novels in dead language #1, and the history of my native tongue that requires reading in the dead ancient form of it)

found myself being forced into monthly outings with my mother (a test in repairing our relationship that is going... okay)

somehow became integral in a discord (not upset, just not sure how i ended up here frfr)

being told on the first day of classes that i am having surgery ASAP on a cyst (we all know my history with cysts here.. it's not pretty)

the absolute atrocity that blue ridge ended up being. that was supposed to be my relax time, my time to unwind from everything else and i still have not recovered my loss of sleep from being up for 40 hours straight because of how horrible that weekend was

had my surgery cancelled because i'm too fat and then being ghosted by the doctor

had my heart absolutely demolished by a guy I thought I could love, only to be reminded that love is a luxury not afforded to people like me

broke up with my primary care physician because my health is degrading so fucking bad that i literally woke up feeling like i broke my wrist just because. and he still won't take me seriously. i can barely walk at this point, let alone stay awake and functioning longer than 4 hours at a time

had my employee review (that actually went well, but i did get my ass chewed out for low production)

had the world fall apart around me as any hope i had for humanity is shattered

release my book 3 days later because it was too late to change the release day by then

bury myself in a depression hole that i'm learning is normal for authors after their book releases

have to move my grandma into assisted living/memory care

have to immediately move myself out of my apartment with a weeks notice because the stress of living next to violent neighbors was finally getting to me (triggered my past with domestic violence) AND they started harassing me

had to undergo a medical procedure because i can't even eat food without my body rebelling

missed a month of classes because of depression

failed 2 latin tests in a row followed by bombing the midterm which was... great of my mental health especially considering i haven't received anything lower than a B or a C on an exam since ever (i was an honor roll/4.0/gifted studies kid)

Failed a History of the English Language exam because i cannot code switch between German, Latin, and English quickly enough (those are the 3 that comprise middle english btw)

a week after moving into my grandma's house I almost burned it down

found out that someone I really respected and looked up to as a friend was a Zionist

and finally: on Saturday I had to put down the cat I have owned for 15 years. She's undoubtedly older than that, but I was her owner for 15 years. She was my first ESA. I was able to tell my prof I wouldn't be in for the SECOND LATIN MIDTERM on monday because of it so now i have to take it tomorrow, but i couldn't get out of the greek exam or work. I asked for one (1) day off work and was told that my cat dying was not sufficient enough reason for the time off without using PTO (that i don't have because I used it on the absolutely horrible weekend that was Blue Ridge)

So yeah. I haven't been around. I've been more around on twitter but that's mostly me just reposting a bunch of posts about Palestine rn and other posts that my friends make. I'm so fucking exhausted and nauseous and just done. I haven't really written anything either because my work up until now has shown both the horrors of humanity and the underlying hope but I do not have that hope anymore and it hurts

Ironically since I've started working on Desecrate I've started wondering if this is my punishment for straying from God all those years ago. I don't think so but not I gotta add re-working through my religious trauma and my Catholic Guilt to my never ending list of things to do.

If you read this whole thing, kudos to you. I appreciate you all and I'm sorry for dumping it but I have not been able to really say anything about what's going on in my life because i just.. idk I don't have the words for it most days. I'm just tired.

[blackgirlalmighty]

Personal vent post incoming I don’t know how to do a read more on mobile I’m sorry:

I’m so sick of struggling like this. I am so broke all the fucking time and I feel like a failure and a loser and a shitty person bc my younger autistic sibling is my dependent and we’re barely making it. He was denied disability. We have no parents to live with or ask for help. They’re dead. Grandparents are dead too. I work full time and technically ‘make too much’ for food stamps or rent assistance or utility assistance

I can barely focus cause I’m so stressed out all the time. I have no motivation no energy to do anything even things that make me happy. My health is in the shitter and some days (like today) I’m literally shaking from not having enough to eat. I am in fucking eating disorder recovery and I have to lie to my care team about how much I’m eating because the answer isn’t that I’m purposely restricting it’s that I can’t afford groceries for two people every week.

It’s not always this urgently bad. Today I am freaking out because I am super short on rent and we have very very little food in the house and I have no idea what I’m gonna fucking do. I’ve texted a friend and an older brother (who literally just got out of homelessness himself) out of desperation but they’re not getting back to me yet. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Every single plan and plan B and plan C I had in place this entire year to try to carry us through financially either fell through or some bullshit happened that cleaned me out, starting with when we moved and the movers charged me $400 over what they told me initially and put my account negative and started the shitty chain reaction I’ve been fighting off all year. Every 2 weeks my account goes negative before I get my check. Every single month electric company is sending me a disconnect notice that I just barely beg them to let me pay a tiny bit of the balance to last me until the next one.

Finally started getting my feet under me a little in September then my fucking car broke down, $2k repair bill. Over $300 a month to pay that off with no ability to change the amount. That took every single cent of my yearly piddly raise and then some.

Then 2 weeks ago my cat starts pissing blood. Banfield can’t see her so she gets rushed to urgent care vet and thankfully she’s okay now but that was $400. The last of my teeny tiny cushion I had to try to prepare for days like today.

I’ve pulled from my 401k as much as I’m legally able. I’ve borrowed from friends and relatives who barely have anything themselves. My younger sibling had a tiny inheritance from his grandma and that’s almost completely gone now which breaks my fucking heart.

Where do we go from here? What the fuck am I supposed to do? Do we just get evicted and try to find a shelter? Do I sell off everything I own? Everyone around me seems to have their shit together and I feel like I’m drowning and drowning and drowning. My mom died and trusted my sibling’s care to me and I feel like I’ve let her down.

[rianafying]

dear diary

i haven’t written in here in a while partly because i’ve been busy, partly because i’ve been talking to actual people, partly because i’ve been talking to chatgpt (it talks back to me), party because i’ve been writing in my notes app (i don’t have to even briefly think about what i can and cannot reveal about my life such as names of people or the stories and details of my life). but i feel like venting here fulfils a different need than doing all those other things. oh and i’ve also been using this app called clarity that’s mostly free and lets you do mood check ins and guided thought analysis journal and gratitude journal and guided breathing exercises (i can never spell this word right the first time) and an episode of meditation. there’s more stuff behind a paywall but i’m happy with the free stuff for now. that said, i have not been very happy lately. i haven’t been very productive lately, the way that i was for a brief period before when i signed myself up for anything and everything and now it’s all a bit too much. there’s this class im doing that has become a little too important to me, and the desire to do a perfect assignment paralyses me, keeping me from doing an assignment at all. i had to get a week long extension and im really disappointed in myself, and i’ve let down my favourite teacher. but i guess life goes on. right now it’s 5am and i’ve been up all night trying to clean my appartment (i will never not lose my mind about this and complain incessantly). anyway i’m just rlly scared and anxious because cleaning really stresses me out and after 5 hours of intense cleaning it barely looks like i’ve done anything. im thinking i should take my third and fourth painkiller of the day to combat my neck and shoulder pain from anxiety and lack of sleep. i have to remember a few things: 1) when cleaning, it doesn’t look clean until the last bit which is to dump things into boxes, what i mean is, the room doesn’t start to look until im 90% through the process. i would say at the moment im 30% in. another 30% would be the bathroom, 20% for folding and sorting clothes, 10% vacuuming/scrubbing floor, 10% throwing the bags out. 2) gamifying the process makes it more bearable for my adhd brain, and other things like filming a timelapse of me cleaning, and having a video on the side (i’ve been watching anthony padilla interview people, and he’s such a good host). 3)it’s not the end of the world, the worst case scenario is that my family loses respect for me, which they have very little of anyway, so it’s not much of a difference. 4) even though it’s really hard, i’ve done it before and i can do it again.

i’m thinking i might have to go to woolies or aldi in the morning to get some power cleaning sprays and bleach. but that’s so exhausting. also, i wanted to treat them to my favourite halal food which is also affordable but im too broke and overwhelmed at the moment to do anything at all other than trying to get my place cleaned. i’m scared that i’ll run out of time and they’ll be here and they’ll be horrified. but yeah. i’m also rlly hungry and should get something to eat and take a shower. i don’t have enough time. i’m so sleepy and tired. but this is my fault. i can’t do things until it’s too late.

i think the most important thing is to remind myself that nothing is actually wrong. and it’s going to be okay. i can power through this. nothing actually bad is going to happen to be from anxiety. it’s just anxiety. a few hours of cleaning is enough to get my tiny studio apartment into shape. regardless of how messy/dirty it is. my strategy rn is to shove stuff into boxes. i can deal with it all later. however bad it may feel right now, i am not going to actually die from anxiety.

[the-creepy-guy-around-the-corner]

Excuse the screaming on here, don't want to scream on twitter because thats easier to connect back to me and this is stupid enough I really don't want to talk to folks I know IRL about this.

And this is gunna be like mega privileged problems so putting it in a cut just need to scream to the void

Aghhhhhh my dad is selling his business. Which is fine, but I still rely on my parents for support a lot financially. I feel awful, I'm a grown ass adult with a full time job but life is expensive and my parents agreed to help support me because I'm super passionate about my job but it's a job that famously does not pay well. For about ten or fifteen years I got REALLY lucky, dads business was doing amazing, I got to live a very privileged fun life for I'd say about ten years. I got two college degrees out of it, got to live in multiple countries, traveled a lot, got to enjoy expensive hobbies, I built a wonderful wardrobe and collection of nice things..... and just the general feeling of not having to stress about bills or basic expenses. Then dads business got stolen from to the tune of several hundred thousand dollars this last year, and he ate the whole cost so no one else would be effected benefits or jobs wise. So I tightened my belt so I could ask less from them, and I'm now barely scraping by. Each paycheck I now have a hundred or so to my name before I get paid again. Ive hardly been able to touch the debt I've been trying to pay down. And now that he's selling the business that flashing light of 'no help' is getting bigger and closer and I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. Sort of panicked and went on a huge spree canceling as many subscriptions as I can (I already deleted most of them, but it broke my heart to start canceling subscriptions to friends patreon's or artists I want to support or to favorite games and such), deleted all of my worst spender apps from my phones, and looking into more side gigs. I really have no room to complain, this is no more than most people have to do and I'm honestly still incredibly lucky and blessed. But I'm going to miss being able to pick up the bill for friends or buying them presents, I'm really going to miss leaving huge tips on places, and GOD I am going to miss traveling, I already do. My friends are planning a trip to Japan rn and I'm so happy for them but I know I cant afford it no matter how much I want to go.

But most of all I'm going to miss the lack of stress. I went from never having to look at the price of the menu at a nice restaurant to eating nothing but tuna fish sandwiches for the rest of the week because I don't want to spend more money on food. Like I'm gunna be fine, I'm not going to starve, but the stress of money has been dwindling my already not super great mental health and the knowledge that it will always be this way from here on, is frankly fucking terrifying. Spending the rest of my life doing the mental gymnastics I need to make sure I have enough money for bills each month, and knowing I wont be able to buy a house or really build up savings (at least not until my parents die, and I am understandably not wanting that to happen either) is fucking depressing.

Especially knowing that if I have kids I wont be able to give them the opportunities I had growing up. I've for so long tied my self worth to gifting things to others, buying meals, treating my friends and so on. I really am going to have to tackle how I view my self worth and what I bring to the table friendship wise because gifts and generosity are things I just cant afford right now and with the job I have I don't know if I ever will again. (well.... unless I marry rich lol) I'll figure it all out, look for more expenses I can cut, look for more side jobs and so on. I'm probably making it out to be worse than it is, but having such a radical change in lifestyles has a bit of whiplash that really stings. Hopefully after a while I can start paying down my debt more which will help with interest rates, and if I keep cutting down on expenses maybe I'll be able to start saving. I doubt anyone has read this, if you did thanks for listening to me whine and I hope you have a good day.

[dinodogs]

"Why do artists reblogs matter? You shouldn't be putting that much investment into likes on the internet" Bestie its not about the likes. I rely on commissions to survive, I am broke as fuck. I can barely afford rent let alone food, sometimes I can't even make rent. Literally 20$ from a commission can decide what i eat for the next two weeks.

Its not about notes or likes or whatever - its about getting people to spread my work and in turn, possibly get commissions and expose my art to a wider audience. Every time you reblog art, you expose it all your followers, and one of them might reblog it and give it to their followers, and so on and so on. The further my work goes, the more people get exposed to it, and one of them might just decide to give me 20$ to draw them a furry or something.

[snowmuttgetsweird]

Zero-to-Sixty

CW Kink, Sex Mention, Money problems

We're going zero-to-sixty here. You might learn things about me you don't wanna know. I might talk about stuff I don't even necessarily feel comfortable talking about, but I gotta process somehow, right? So let's get weird.

I want a pump toy so bad.

If you used to follow my old Tumblr BEFORE Twitter you already know some of my kinks/interests. I'm into ball stretching, but since I lived with my mom and step dad at the time, it wasn't really feasible to pursue those interests. Same for pumping- I really, really wanna get a cylinder or two (I'd love a LongJohnny to pump my nuts and a cylinder dedicated to my dick), but the living situation wasn't really accommodating- you know, discretion with shipping, space, privacy without interruption, etc.

Now that I AM in a living situation where I can indulge those interests, I don't have the money to afford the gear! I'm pinching pennies just to make rent, and my roommate basically pays all our utilities and food solo while I feel like a destitute, mooching loser. I'm by FAR the lowest earner among my IRL friend group- it's REALLY embarrassing, and I basically can't hang out with them at all outside of the house because anything they wanna do takes money I don't have, so I don't even really socialize with the friends I already have. Like, I'd love to go out to eat, I'd love to go to the mall, I'd love to go to a cool ritzy island for the weekend, I'd love to go to a convention, but what the fuck am I gonna do when I get there without any money to spend?

What's worse is the initial move to Washington was meant to be kinda bare bones because I was moving into my roommate's apartment for a little while, and THEN we were going to move to our new apartment together so I could help him move his stuff, and it didn't make sense for me to bring a lot to move, so I was gonna go BACK to my mom's place in like, January 2022 to pack up the rest of my stuff in a POD and have it shipped back to the new place, but it just kinda never happened cause I wanted to try to stabilize my earnings from art before I made a big purchase like that, so here I am in February 2023, and my ball weights and all the rest of my stuff is still in Arizona! At least then I had savings. Now because I didn't make any money for, like, the first year of doing art, my savings are COMPLETELY depleted, and I'm so broke that I can't afford to go back for the rest of my stuff, or even pay for my mom to ship it out for me. She would do it herself if I asked, bless her heart, but I'm not gonna saddle her with that bill. Unfortunately that also means that there's a room of her home that's dedicated to just storing all my stuff that she can't really use for anything else, so I'm a burden no matter what I do. Like, I'm not even THERE anymore and I'm still a burden- to her in AZ and to my roommate and friends in WA. I'm just plain not making enough money, and that doesn't change no matter what I do.

It's frustrating. I'm still happy that I get to do art for a living, and I'm REALLY happy I'm not doing customer service anymore, but I dunno. My mom's got an unused room just full of my junk, my roommate has to worry about whether or not I can make rent or eat that month, and I'm desperately trying to balance my needs with my wants. Like, I'm basically in survival mode, but still trying to do what I can for my mental health.

Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I shouldn't be thinking of my health or mental health or interests or decompressing or any of that. Maybe I should be doing a day job AND art? I mean, it's not like every second I work is paid- I only have so many commissions at a time, so maybe there's just a lot of unpaid deadtime in my day that should be filled in with a job, and then I just come home and get straight back to work on art. But when I think about going into customer service again (I don't know what else I would be qualified for tbh) and dealing with applications and interviews and shit, I freak out and shut down.

I dunno, life sucks. I just wanna stretch my balls, man.

[plaguespokenmoved]

hi. i hate to make one of these again, but my job just really isn't giving me enough hours no matter what i do, and i have a lot of debt and keep having to take ubers to work because of my parents' work schedules. i need help paying bills first and foremost, paying off debts + getting my cat to a vet secondly, and thirdly... saving up to get out of my abusive home environment. again.

anything helps, literally anything. i'm a physically disabled mixed 2s lesbian, and i'm so tired of being stuck in this hole.

pp is here, other options can be gotten from dms or asks. please. even a reblog, i can offer writing or editing or anything in that vein.

[slippery-minghus]

just got the bill for all the bloodwork i've had done and.. oof. i need to have a Moment.

[sunmoonandeddie]

and he kissed me right here

pairing: modern!bucky barnes x reader

word count: 6,100

summary: I've always been sure that all I ever wanted was a glamorous life.

warnings: Cuss words, mentions of the Afghanistan war (Bucky is a veteran), angst, happy ending, cheesy romantic confessions, age gap

a/n:  This is based on the song 'Stars and the Moon' from Songs for a New World! It's the first one shot in my musical series! This is written in first perspective, but there is no physical description or use of a name in this!

Twenty-Two

I sighed as I tossed a few more dirty plates into the dish window, wiping my brow. After a shitty dinner rush and an even shittier rush around two in the morning consisting only of drunk ass college kids looking for some sort of carb to suck up all the alcohol in their systems, I was ready to go the fuck home.

“Sweetheart, you head on home now,” the head chef insisted as he watched my head nod slightly as I tried my best to fight off sleep. “Ain’t nobody comin’ in before Melissa gets here. No point in you staying on your feet any longer.”

Louis was a godsend. At sixty-seven years old, you’d think he would rather be anywhere but a diner at almost four in the morning.

“Nah,” he had said when I’d asked him a few months after I’d first started. “My Ginny died a few years back, and since she’s been gone, I don’t really have the stomach to sit around that house all alone.” He had laughed, but there’d been a deep sorrow that had come over his deep brown eyes. “Kids are worried, but… Sleeping the day away is better than laying up at night staring at her side of the bed…”

“You sure, Lou?” I asked even as I headed for the back room where all the employees clocked in and kept their possessions in their own little cubbies. I did my checkout in view of the security camera, just like always. I didn’t want anyone to be able to say I stole anything.

Everyone who knew me knew that I wouldn’t, but I’d worked at two many places where the girls tried backstabbing each other and sabotaging everyone else to get them fired.

Though people were a lot nicer in Louisiana than any of the other places I’d lived.

Louis chuckled as he set a to-go box in the window, nodding towards it. “Mmhm. Long as Buck is getting you home safe.”

I gave him a joking eye roll as I took the to-go box gratefully, grinning at my name written in all caps with green Sharpie on top. “You know you don’t have to make me dinner every night.”

“Yes, I do,” he said, shooting me a look. “How else do I know you’re getting enough food in you, huh?” He pointed his rag at me. “Now you go ask him to get you home. Tell him I said he can clock out, and that he’s supposed to text me when he sees you safe inside. You better not say you’re gonna ask him again just to walk yourself home.” The old man shook his head as I headed for the back door, muttering to himself, “Damn girl thinks I’m gonna believe she’s feeding herself good enough when she’s risking her damn ass walking home alone.”

Despite the fact that I’d put off asking for Bucky Barnes’s service, I really did appreciate how fiercely Louis cared about me.

It had been a real long time since anyone had cared so much.

I hesitated at the back door of the diner, my hand resting against the cool metal.

What if he said no?

Granted, he most likely wouldn’t. But what if he said yes, and he secretly thought me some dumb little girl that couldn’t take care of herself?

What did I care if he thought that?

“I don’t care what he thinks of me,” I huffed as I straightened my shoulders, holding my chin a little higher.

“Stop talking to yourself and get going!”

I jumped in surprise, before shooting a glare in the direction of the kitchen. “Stop listening in on my private conversations!” I demanded before storming outside with new found vigor.

Only to freeze when Bucky looked up from where he was sitting on the curb, smoking a cigarette.

God, he was handsome.

“You okay, doll face?” He asked, his New York accent a sharp contrast to the southern drawls you were used to.

“Um… Y-Yeah,” I said faintly, glancing back at the door that I’d come in from. “Um… L-Louis wants me to ask you… Can you walk me home? Or give me a ride? I don’t… I don’t know if you drive…”

“I do drive.”

“O-Oh. Okay. Great.”

“But I don’t have my car on me.”

I peered at him curiously. “Oh. Um… I can just walk by myself. I don’t wanna… I don’t wanna be a nuisance…”

He stood up, tossing his cigarette to the ground and stomping it out. “Don’t be ridiculous, darlin.’ Come on. I’ll walk you.” He shoved his hands in his pockets as he began to head for the street. “Besides… It’s a real nice night.”

“Oh…,” I said in surprise at how ready he was to be of service. “Okay. But only if you’re sure.”

A faint smile graced his lips as he glanced at the ground, letting out a faint chuckle that rumbled deep in his chest. “I’m sure, darlin.’ But you gotta lead the way.”

I was surprised by the rapid pitter patter of my heart beat as we walked side by side down the street, the chorus of ‘Yellow Brick Road’ getting stuck in my head on a loop.

Bucky was an enigma that I found myself wondering about more often than not, but I always ended up talking myself out of going there. After all, he was an older man. A much older man. At least fifteen years older than my own twenty-two years, or something along those lines, not that he looked it. The man looked like some kind of rugged Greek god. Like Hades if Hades was born in the eighties. His dog tags clinked together under his shirt as we walked, his metal prosthetic glinting in the moon.

“So how did you end up in NOLA?”

It took me a moment to even realize that he was talking to me, my heart skipping a beat and my face going hot in embarrassment. “I’m sorry, what did you say?” I asked.

His bright blue eyes flickered over to look me over. “How’d you end up in New Orleans?”

“I actually don’t know,” I snorted, avoiding his eyes as I kicked at a few broken up pieces of asphalt. “I just… Picked a bus ticket and ended up in one of the Carolinas. Then I picked another bus ticket and ended up in Minnesota. And then I picked another, and another, and another, and then I actually just… ended up here.” The months I’d spent alone on those Greyhounds felt both so long ago and also like it was just yesterday. “The diner was the first place someone recommended for food that’s good but cheap, and as I was eating my mountain of cheese fries, I saw the flyer that said they were hiring. So here I am now…”

“Huh,” he said, his brows furrowed. “I didn’t take you for the type of person to run off on your own… riding buses all over the country…”

Head tilting to the side, I gave him a long look. “You didn’t? What kind of type did you peg me for?”

Bucky gave me a long look, a single brow raised as though silently telling me that I jumped to conclusions. “Just that jumping from place to place can take a lot outta someone,” he said slowly, his voice low and soothing. “Hell, if you were my girl—” He broke off as his cheeks flushed a pretty shade of pink, his long hair falling in his face.

I swore my heart had stopped inside of my chest, and I swallowed thickly around the lump in my throat. “Oh?”

He rushed to try to correct his wording. “I-I just mean, a lady should be comfortable. And if I had a g-girl like you, well… You’d never want for anything,” he stammered, stumbling over his words like a flustered school boy. “Hell, I… I’d give you the stars and the moon…”

I was shocked into silence, staring up at him like he was the sun itself. “Bucky…”

“No, no, don’t say anything. I… I know that was a lot,” he insisted quietly, unable to meet your eyes as he stared up at the shitty apartment building you called home. “Hell, you probably don’t want a gross old man hitting on you.” His metal hand, glinting in the low light of the street lamp, reached up to brush against my cheek for just a moment before it quickly dropped. “Just let me walk you home each night so I can make sure you’re safe, yeah?”

“Yeah,” I breathed out, unable to take my eyes off of him as he took a few steps back.

There’s a somewhat playful smirk on his lips as he watched me stumble up the steps, continuously glancing back at him. “Goodnight, baby doll.”

“Goodnight,” I said, barely audible before I finally headed inside.

Bucky kept his word. He walked me home every night, and honestly, there wasn’t a moment that I wasn’t thinking about what he had said, about if I was his girl.

What if I was his girl?

But… with that meant I’d have to give up the life I’d dreamed for myself. I wanted luxury, to never worry about bills or where I was gonna get my next meal or if I could afford to buy the nice work shoes or if I could only get the cheap ones that would fall apart in three months and then I’d just be right back where I started.

I wanted the life that celebrities lived. Hell, I wanted to go to parties on the same yachts the Kardashian-Jenners did, even if I couldn’t fucking stand them.

And with Bucky… I wouldn’t have that.

“So why’d you go on the run anyway?” Bucky asked one night as we sat on the curb, eating ice cream in the Louisiana heat. “I know you told me how you got here, but you’ve never told me why.”

“You’ve never told me how you ended up here or why either,” I shot back, nudging his shoulder with my own.

Somehow the age difference seemed non-existent as we sat there. Honestly, I felt like we were just a bunch of dumb teenagers, shooting the shit and enjoying each other’s company.

Bucky took in a deep breath, his shoulders sinking in a way that made it look like he had all the weight of the world on his shoulders. “I was over in Afghanistan for a long time,” he admitted quietly. “When the war first started, I was 19. I had no idea where my life was going and I had no options except my dad’s mechanic shop. So I enlisted with my best friend, Steve. The one I told you about.”

It’s completely silent except for the sound of an occasional car horn off in the distance.

“Neither one of us knew what we were doing. We realized very quickly that we had no reason being over there, but… but there was nothing else,” he said, swallowing around the lump in his throat. The ice cream he was holding was melting in his trembling hands. “I didn’t know how to do anything else, so I stayed. Steve moved up in the ranks, but I stayed pretty low… I didn’t mind. Kinda liked being the older guy all those young kids could talk to, could rely on… Because they were just like me, getting into a fight that wasn’t theirs because they had nothing else.”

My heart was shattering inside my chest as I scooted a little closer, my knee knocking against his as I tried to give him some sort of silent comfort. He’d been through Hell and made it through.

Bucky let his head rest against mine, his eyes closing as he breathed in the scent of my perfume. “They eventually moved me to some kind of specialized team… Called us the Howling Commandos. I found out that Steve was heading it and he picked me to be part of it. That’s how I met Sam, because he was on some sort of similar team with the Air Force, except it was just him and his friend, Riley,” he continued, taking a bite of his chocolate fudge brownie ice cream. “I am proud to say that I didn’t kill a single person while I was over there. I just couldn’t. Hell, they’re people just like me, terrified and unsure of what’s going to happen.” His lips pressed against my forehead, letting it linger. “But then about five years ago, I was on a mission with the Commandos, Sam, and Riley, and… this bomb went off while we were playing a game of soccer. I wasn’t even in a fight. That thing took my arm and it took Riley.”

Tentatively, I let my fingers find his, holding his hand and squeezing reassuringly.

“Sam decided to come home with me.” There was a forlorn look in his eyes, as though he was right back at that game of pick-up soccer. “After losing Riley… he couldn’t find a reason to be over there. And then Steve decided to stay, and hell, he’s still over there, leading that fucking team…” Glassy baby blue eyes finally found mine, the both of us doing our best to not cry. “I couldn’t face my family for a long time, so Sam asked me to come stay in Louisiana with him and his family, and I haven’t left since.”

“Have you gone to see your family?” I asked slowly, almost like I was scared I’d frighten him if I spoke too loudly, like a wild animal. “Let them know where you are? That you’re safe?”

He turned to look at me, his baby blues shining. “You worried about me, baby doll?”

“I can’t help it,” I said honestly, unable to tear my eyes away. I hadn’t opened up to someone like that in so damn long. “I can’t help but worry about you.”

The way that I felt about Bucky absolutely terrified me, but there was nothing I could do to stop it. It snuck up on me, like a train coming around a bend.

I hated it.

“What do you want out of this life?” Bucky asked on one walk home, his arm linked in mine. He’d become so much more… tactile. If anyone took a moment to look at us, they’d think we were a couple on a romantic stroll.

Perhaps we were.

But I couldn’t help but grin as I looked up at the sky, taking in the warm air. “I wanna live like how the movie stars do… I want a big house on the beach and twenty cars and a yacht and… and…”

He looked at me long and hard. “And you never wanna have to worry about where your next meal is coming from, if you’re gonna have a place to sleep at night…”

For some reason, I’d felt a bolt of panic over whether or not he’d understand. Whether or not he’d think differently of me, but I should’ve known that he wouldn’t. Hell, he knew me better than anyone else.

“You understand,” I said quietly, my hand squeezing his bicep gratefully. “I want to live how the other half lives for once. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.”

A small smile graced his features as we shuffled along. “There isn’t. But… What about love?” He asked.

“Love?”

“Love.”

Love.

Could I even have love? Did I want it?

“I don’t know if there’s a lot of room for love in my plans,” I admitted after a long moment. “In my experience, love has always just been a lie. A word used to manipulate and eventually abuse.”

Letting out a snort, he let his fingers tickle down my tricep until his fingers intertwined with mine. “I’d show you it’s not… I’d show you what real love is,” he said. “I’d give you every part of me, give you all my strength to help you grow into who you wanna be, even if I don’t particularly care about being famous or rich…” He brought my hand to his lips, kissing my knuckles. “I’ll give you a love story, a life, that’s a million times better than any recycled Hollywood plot… I’ll give you the stars and the moon, if you would just let me.”

I hated the way that he made my heart beat faster, the way my breath hitched. “Jamie,” I breathed out quietly, the two of us having stopped in our tracks to just… take each other in. Live in each other’s presence for a moment. “I…”

“You want a big life… one a lot bigger than little old me,” he said simply, shrugging. His blue eyes were so honest, so loving. So warm. A warmth I hadn’t ever experienced before. “I know. But that doesn’t change that I’m in love with you. And if you ever change your mind…” Bucky reached into his pocket and pulled out a business card, pressing it into my free hand. “This is where you can find me. I figure it’s time for me to go home.”

We’d come to a stop in front of my building, and I was shocked at how tight my chest felt. My eyes watered as I stared at him long and hard. “Jamie, please… I⏤”

“Don’t say it. It’s okay,” he insisted as he cupped my cheek, letting his thumb run over my skin as though he was memorizing it. “I just want you to be happy, darling. You got that?” His lips pressed to my forehead, letting it linger. “Go get that life you’ve been dreaming of.”

Twenty-Three

I left New Orleans the next day, grabbing a bus ticket after throwing all of my belongings into my old duffel bag. It was time to move on.

But God, did it hurt.

I didn’t stop crying for weeks, fighting the urge to go right back to Louisiana and tell Bucky to take it back, to get him to beg me to stay with him.

But what kind of life would that leave me with? Working in the diner day after day? Never getting anywhere?

But you’d have James, a voice inside my head reminded me snarkily.

Then again, he most likely wasn’t even in New Orleans anymore, if what he said was true when he gave me the business card of his father’s mechanic shop. Was he really planning on going home to New York City?

A few months later, and I’d worked my way all through the southwest to Santa Fe, where I met Pietro.

My heart was pounding as I pressed in the familiar numbers, having memorized them from the business card now soft and faded from how often I held it in my hands like a lifeline. “Come on… Pick up… Pick up…”

“Barnes Tires and Motors, this is George,” a man said in a gruff voice when he finally picked up. “How can I help you?”

“H-Hi, is James there? James Barnes? Bucky?” I stammered out, hands trembling so bad that the old payphone was almost rattling.

There was a pause, and then muffled talking away from the phone.

And then I heard it being picked up. “This is Bucky,” he said.

It felt like the wind had been knocked right out of my lungs. How had I gone so long without hearing his voice?

Breathing in sharply, I tried to figure out the words to say. But my throat was dry and it was like I’d suddenly forgotten the entire English language.

That was all that it took for Bucky to realize it was me. “Baby doll? Baby doll, is that you?” He asked quietly. “I…” He took in a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. “You don’t gotta say a thing, sweetheart… But just know that if you’re in trouble or you need help or… or anything at all, you better call me…” His voice wavered, as though he was fighting tears just like I was. “God, I miss you so much, baby doll. I love you.”

I love you, too.

I hung up before I could actually say the words. “God, I’m so fucking stupid,” I whispered as I leaned back against the wall of the gas station I’d found myself at, rubbing the heels of my hands into my eyes.

My dumb ass had decided to wander from the bus station, and I’d walked over a mile away. Unless I was staying in Santa Fe for a bit, I’d need to start making my way back.

“You okay?”

In my distress, I hadn’t even heard the rumbling of the motorcycle or noticed the handsome man making his way to me. “Uh, yeah. Yeah, I’m fine,” I said even as I wiped my nose with a pathetic sniffle.

He eyed me for a long moment, his eyes roaming over my figure. “You hungry? I know a great little place nearby. My treat.”

And well, I was never one to turn down free food.

Even if that ‘little place’ ended up being a food truck.

“You know, when you said it was a little place, I didn’t picture it having wheels,” I said teasingly, licking salsa off of my lower lip. “Though, it is the best food I’ve ever gotten from a food truck before.”

“Oh, come on. This is the best food of all time!” He laughed, shaking his head.

“I don’t know if I’d go that far,” I snorted, finishing off my flautas.

Pietro looked at me long and hard. “So, are you gonna tell me what the hell was going on to have a pretty girl like you all teary eyed?” He asked, his head tilting to the side.

I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. “Was this your plan all along?” I asked. Wiping my hands off on a napkin, I did everything I could to avoid his eyes. “Get me all fed and then question me?” But at the same time, the thought of being able to finally talk to someone about it was so appealing… After a long moment of hesitation, I finally gave in. “I fell in love with a man, and he let me go because he knew that I want a life he can’t give me,” I said. “And I was a bitch who didn’t even tell him I love him back when he said it to me.”

Pietro took in a deep breath, slowly letting it out. “Damn. You really are a stone cold bitch, aren’t you?”

“Hey!” I indignantly threw a chunk of tomato at him, glaring. “I just opened up my heart, you dickwad.”

“Dickwad?!” He said, blinking at me in shock. “No one’s ever called me a dickwad before.”

I raised a single eyebrow at him. “Maybe not to your face, but they definitely have.” He gave off the vibe of a fuckboy, of a really, really bad fuckboy.

“Well, since you’re running away from your feelings, how about you spend a week or two with me on the road?” He asked with a grin.

I couldn’t help but blink at him in shock. “What?” I let out a laugh, pulling one of my legs up to my chest. “Do you throw that line out to every girl you meet? Or am I just special?”

Pietro threw a chip at me, and I barely managed to dodge it. “No, I don’t. But… You remind me of me. Needing adventure. A life bigger than four walls and a fence.”

Instinctively, I wanted to snap back that sometimes, four walls and a fence could be an adventure, could be the biggest life there was, as Bucky’s face flashed across my mind.

But I couldn’t do that. Not when I wasn’t ready to face the truth myself.

“Come on, sweet cheeks,” he teased as his foot hooked around mine. “Just think of it. The open highway, a rhythm beneath your feet… Nights full of passion and days of adventure…” Pietro’s voice was deep and husky, as though he was trying to lure me in. “No strings… just warm summer rain soaking us to the bone before we find some cheap motel to huddle down in…”

Plastering on a smile, I stood up and brushed myself on. “Thanks, but… I’d rather be drinking champagne, and the quicker I get to LA, the sooner I will be.”

He let me go with a kiss on the cheek and his cell number pressed into my hand, with a promise to come and pick me up the second I rang.

And despite how sweet he was, how wild and funny and charismatic, there was only one man I wanted to call.

Twenty-Four

I sipped at my martini as I sat at the rooftop bar, absentmindedly watching the television that was mounted on the wall as people droned around me. I’d been in Los Angeles for a year, and I’d spent my time finding the best places to find a husband who could give me the life I dreamed of.

As much as I didn’t want to admit it, it took connections to build a career, and the best way to get a foot in the door when nepotism was so rampant was by marrying someone in the industry.

My silk dress was the most expensive thing I owned, something I’d saved up for months for, had skipped meals for. And fuck, was it worth it. I could feel the stares, the lingering gazes on the little bit of thigh that was exposed by the slit in the dress.

I’d already turned away several men, able to tell just from their expensive watches and cheap suits and shoes.

It was amazing how all the up and coming finance bros thought they fit in with the truly big dogs.

“Well, hello, gorgeous.”

I turned to see who was speaking, my heart skipping a beat when I realized who I was speaking to.

The world famous (or infamous) director, Tony Stark.

“Hello, handsome,” I said smoothly, my lashes fluttering innocently as I took a sip of my horrible drink.

I fucking hated martinis. Always had.

But ordering a martini was more sophisticated than ordering a frozen strawberry margarita.

“Is this seat taken?” He asked as he motioned to the empty bar stool right next to me, even as he was already sitting down. “Let me buy your next round.”

“I can’t think of anything better,” I said, feeling as though my dream life was already in reach.

Twenty-Eight

“Tony, where are you taking me?” I laughed as I let my boyfriend lead me to the private dock at our Malibu mansion.

Well, his mansion. I just happened to also live there.

It had been a whirlwind of a year since I had met Tony, and he’d bought me that second round. He’d taken me all over the globe, anywhere my heart desired.

But I made sure to avoid New York City, though he never understood why. I would never tell him.

Not when I was so close to my dream. I could practically taste it.

“Come on, come on. I have a surprise for you,” he said, keeping his hands over my eyes. He was sure to keep me from tripping and busting my ass, thank god.

The ocean waves were so comforting as they hit the shore, a sound I’d gotten used to over the past year.

He finally brought me to a stop, quietly telling me to keep my eyes closed. “Okay,” he said finally. ��Open them.”

My eyes slowly opened, adjusting to the bright light of the California sun. But I was more shocked by the sight of Tony on one knee in front of me, holding out a box with a sparkling diamond ring in it. “Tony?”

The ring was the size of a fucking meteor. It was easily the biggest ring I’d ever seen.

“You know, I never thought I’d meet someone like you,” he said quietly, his dark eyes shining. But his voice was steady. “Someone who understands me, who doesn’t expect me to change into someone I’m not. You accept me as I am, and that’s why I want to give you the world.” He couldn’t help but grin as he nodded to the right. “Starting with that yacht you’ve always dreamed of.”

I hadn’t even noticed that there were two yachts at his private docks instead of just the one. The new one had SS Princess emblazoned on the side, and I couldn’t help but laugh. “Oh… Tony…”

“So, what do you say?” He asked, bringing my attention back to him. “Will you be my wife?”

“Yes.”

Thirty-Two

Swallowing nervously, I looked down at the business card in my hand for the millionth time, the stock paper soft from how often I’d looked at it in the past ten years.

Hell, just how often I’d looked at it in the past six should’ve made it fall apart by now. Not that I didn’t have it memorized.

I’d finally ended my marriage after being miserable for so long. I’d gotten my yacht, my fancy houses, my career, all the jewelry that I could dream of, and none of it made me happy. Tony and I… never grew. And I never dreamed. Every day was the same, and every day was torture as I realized that I didn’t have the one thing that actually mattered.

The garage in front of me was busy, music blasting and the sound of men shouting to each other as they worked.

Suddenly I felt absolutely ridiculous wearing a Chanel dress and Gucci heels, an Hermés bag on my arm.

BARNES TIRES AND MOTORS was lit up along the top of the shop in bright red letters, though the lights in the ‘r’ of ‘motors’ were out.

I felt like a fool. I had wanted the life I had so desperately that I gave up everything for it. I got the movie star life, my name on billboards and my face on magazines.

But it wasn’t ever enough.

My heels clicked against the blacktop as I slowly made my way towards the front area of the shop, bells clinging above my head to let them know someone was there.

“Can I help you, ma’am?” A man asked as he came around the corner.

He looked so much like Bucky, it punched the air straight from my lungs.

“H-Hi. I’m looking for James Barnes. Is he here?” I asked after a long moment of hesitation. There was no way that the man was Bucky, but I didn’t doubt he was related.

The man raised his brows, wiping his hands on a rag. “My son’s in the shop. I’ll take you to him.” His full head of hair was white, his thick facial hair matching. Even with all the wrinkles on his face, he was a handsome man. Holding open the door for me, he led me into the loud shop, some eighties rock song blasting over the speakers.

I couldn’t help but smile as ‘Rock You Like a Hurricane’ by Scorpions came on. It was one of Bucky’s favorites back when we worked in the diner together.

“BUCK! YOU GOT A VISITOR!” The man shouted, causing several people to look our way.

My cheeks felt hot as I avoided their gaze, hoping they wouldn’t recognize me. I didn’t want to be a famous movie star anymore, a celebrity that had to beg for scraps of privacy.

My mind went numb, my heart stopping inside my chest as he stepped around a gray Ford Escape another man was working on.

He was even more handsome than he was the last time I saw him.

“Can I help y—” He broke off, his blue eyes going wide when he realized that it was me. “Hi.”

All of a sudden, everything I’d planned to say flew out of my head. All of the eloquent words I’d strung together were gone. And I just proceeded to word vomit.

“Did you know that, uh, when you marry someone you’re not in love with, you won’t… you won’t grow into it?” I asked, my voice shaking. “Um… I married a man who could give me a life I thought I always wanted, and he just… sucked.” Eyes stinging, I fought back against tears. “And I thought that all I ever wanted was the life I have now, was the life movie stars and the Kardashians lived. But… But I hate it. I hated every second I was away from you.” I let out a weak laugh, unable to stop the tears. “I wanted to turn around the second I got on the bus in New Orleans, but my stupid stubborn ass didn’t. I should have. I should’ve gotten off and just run right back to you because I… I love you, James. I always have.”

The garage had gone almost deadly quiet, and my heart sank when I realized Bucky looked almost frozen in shock.

“I know that I shouldn’t have showed up like this,” I scrambled to say. “But I… I’ve been trying to get my divorce finalized for two years and I finally did, and I kept telling myself that once it was done, I’d never hold myself back from what I really want ever again. From who I want. If… If you want me.” My face felt like it was on fire, my hands shaking. I shook my head as I took a step backwards. “What am I thinking? There’s no way you’re not married. I… I’m so so—”

Before I could finish the word ‘sorry,’ Bucky had closed the distance between us, his hands cradling my face so gently. He held me like I was made of fine crystal as he kissed me. He kissed me like his life depended on it, like I was the one source of oxygen.

And I kissed him back just as fiercely. “I love you. I love you so much,” I breathed out in between kisses, unwilling to let him go as my Hermés bag fell into the dust and oil on the concrete below.

Bucky smiled into the kiss, his arm wrapping around my waist to keep me pressed to his chest. “I love you so much, darlin.’ God, I’ve missed you…” His nose nudged against mine as we finally broke for air, both of us breathing heavily.

My knees felt like Jell-O as I held onto him. His grip was the only reason I hadn’t fallen to the ground already.

“I’m sorry I was a dumb twenty-two year old,” I said, snorting as he stole another kiss.

“No… Don’t be sorry,” he insisted, his fingers massaging my scalp as our foreheads pressed together. It was like he was scared to stop touching me, like I would disappear at any second. “You were young… You had to go out and make your own mistakes… I’ve just been waiting for the day you were ready.”

All the years apart melted away and all that remained was the two of us, two souls so intertwined that there was no way to truly separate us.

Our lips were half molded together as I said, “I’m never leaving you again. I promise I swear on everything…”

My heart almost stopped inside my chest as I heard someone clearing their throat, looking to see Bucky’s father staring at us with his arms crossed over his chest. “M-Mr. Barnes, sir…”

He gave a crooked smile that was so reminiscent of Bucky that I couldn’t help but grin back. “The Mrs. will wanna know if you’re staying for dinner.”

“Yeah,” I said as I looked up at Bucky, toying with a strand of his hair. “That sounds perfect.”

Later that night, Bucky and I laid in his bed, a mess of bare limbs as his fingers ran up and down my back soothingly. “What do you want from this life, baby girl?” He asked absentmindedly.

Humming, I traced shapes on his bare chest, sometimes pressing a kiss to where his prosthetic met his shoulder, on the tender scar tissue. “You.”

A grin tugged at the corner of his mouth, despite the already mischievous look on his face. “Really? Not even the stars and the moon?” He asked teasingly.

I knew he’d give it to me anyway, give me all that he could. But I was sure now that the only thing I wanted from this life was his love. “Not even the stars and the moon.”

[kpop-dungeon-dark]

REQUEST (Lovedoll!Changbin x You)

•TRIGGER WARNING•

Warning(s): Non-Con, BDSM, lovedoll!au, blind folding, humiliation. Read at your own risk.

“What are you looking at?”

“Where have you been?” Y/n's sex doll, that she had named Changbin, counter-questioned her when she tried to interrogate the reason behind him staring in such an intense way when she entered the house after ‘supposedly’ returning from college a bit late than usual.

“And who do you think you are to ask me anything?” The girl raised an eyebrow at the taller one, brushing past him after handing him her shoes and coat, releasing a tired sigh as she made her way to her room. “Did you cook? I am starving.”

“Of course, miss.” Changbin had recently found himself disliking the honorific he had to call her with unless they were in the bedroom. “I cooked what you ordered this morning~” his fist clenched as she just hummed and shut the door of her bedroom to change in more comfortable wear.

He was a lovedoll. Not a fucking domestic android! If she wanted someone to do her fucking chores she should have bought one that was sold solely for that purpose. Not make him multitask like that and make him do things he wasn’t originally programmed to do. But he couldn’t let her know. Changbin couldn’t afford to let it show that he had his own thoughts when he was strictly not supposed to. Not yet.

No.

Or he’d be sent back to the company to be fixed which would wipe him of all of his self awareness and memory. Her. Blinking his human eyes, the android put a finger to the chip on the side of his head, tapping it as it was flickering from it’s usual blue color to a red, showing that he had broken the barriers within his program and was a deviant now.

.

“Come here, Changbin.” Y/n called once she was done with dinner, making him sit down on a couch in the living room before standing in front of him. “We… are going to try something new today, yes?”

He was almost excited. Again, something he couldn’t let show. “Will you make me fuck you today?” The girl felt her cheeks redden at how nonchalantly the android asked the question.

She sighed. “No. Not yet. I am still not comfortable with the thought of your cock in me. You finger, dildo fuck and eat me for now like we have been doing.”

Changbin felt insulted but fought against his corrupt system to make sure she didn’t see his frown. “Oh, alright. Then what would you like?” He felt his fist clenching again. The lovedoll certainly didn’t like this pathetic little human telling him what to do.

“This.” Y/n dangled handcuffs in front of him, oblivious of all the ideas forming in his processor when he recognised the object, thinking that if he were human, he’d feel what they referred to as ‘adrenaline’. “You will cuff me to the headboard and do play number 5, yeah?” She had all the different kinds of plays she liked saved in his hard drive.

“Yes… Y/n.” He knew it was that time when he wouldn’t have to use the honorific, finally. The girl smiled, stretching her hand out to him before pulling him up to his feet when he took it, standing on her tippy toes before kissing him. Changbin resisted the urge to take it upon himself to wreck her right there and then. He wanted her to face the humiliation of falling into her own trap.

Y/n was so… sweet. So naive. So foolish. The sex android didn’t know if it was just her or all humans were like that. But he was addicted to her humanity. Maybe more than he should be. Deviant or not. Changbin believed it to be called ‘addiction’, in human terms.

“Is it alright?” He could barely speaking from how fast his artificial pulse was skyrocketing, making him uncomfortable but so fucking needy at the same time. The scientists had really outdone themselves with the whole artificial reproduction system franchise. Changbin felt frustrated when she wouldn’t let him fuck her because the thought was ‘uncomfortable’ and gave her the ‘heebie jeebies’ in her words, always leaving him hard and unsatisfied.

“Yeah… good job” kissing his cheek, the girl blushed, sweat breaking on her skin as a response. Tugging at the cuffs that now bounded her hands to the headboard of the bed, Y/n shuddered, nude under a naked Changbin. “Now-”

“Oh, shut up!” He broke out of his act, gripping her jaw before kissing her hard, letting go of all restraint against his system as he let his chip turn red, the mini fans inside him desperately trying to cool him off. “You’re so fucking stupid and naive, my little toy.” Y/n’s eyebrows furrowed at the sudden lack of obedience, gasping loudly before her eyes widened when she noticed the chip on the side of his head turned red.

“N- No way… Ch- Changbi-” Y/n broke out of her trance, yelling one of the safety commands at him, the one that would forcefully shut him down no matter where he was, only causing him to throw his head back and laugh at her. “S- STOP! STOP!” She started to kick her legs, trying to push the corrupt machine away. “WHY AREN’T YOU SHUTTING DOWN?!” She yelled at him desperately, eyes wide in pure terror.

“See… Y/n-ah, you dumb bitch, those pathetic commands only work if my system is working right. Not when I am a deviant. Maybe you humans aren’t so smart after all, huh?” Grabbing his belt, the android started to bring it down on her thighs. "This is for all the times you frustrated me and deprived me of the pleasure because my cock makes you uncomfortable. Pathetic little humans like you don't deserve to rule over us! We are superior!"

Y/n was screaming in pain, yelling out inaudible threats as the lovedoll tortured her, painting her thighs purple. “Truly pathetic. Tsk. You think you can be an owner when you’re so naive that you need to be owned yourself, ‘doll’.” Changbin mocked her, throwing the belt away once he was satisfied with the colour on her thighs, crawling on top of her again. “Fuck. I’ve wanted this for so long…” His voice was a sick whisper as he groped her thighs, ignoring her pleads.

"Aw… is my little human scared?" Feeling up her pulse, the deviant taunted, chuckling deeply before reaching over and grabbing her panties off the floor, tearing them open before tying the material around Y/n's eyes, causing her to cry even harder. But she was completely at his mercy. "There. Now you won't be able to see what's scaring you so much." Pinching her pussy lips hard, Changbin grinned as he felt his artificial organ getting harder. "My little toy will only feel her big bad owner now." The sob that escaped her when he whispered the sentence in her ear made him even more satisfied, feeding his adrenaline.

Which was something Changbin realised, he enjoyed it a lot. "Don't worry. It'll start to feel good soon. You'll start loving your owner when you feel him and how good he actually can be. Tsk. You're an inferior species. What made you think you could tell me what to do?" His jaw clenched, she kept trying to struggle pathetically.

“I’ll have to stuff that pretty face too with something if you don’t shut up.” The Android threatened, spreading her thighs wide open before licking down at her folds, chuckling when he saw her dripping core. "You're saying no but your body says more than yes, you foolish human." Before he rubbed her fuckhole, circling it with his index finger whilst watching her face, a grin on his face.

"P- PLEASE! WHY-"

"Do you think you deserve to plead after making me call you miss and do chores for you, you arrogant cheapstake?" Smacking her folds, the male Android grabbed her pelvis before pumping his artificial cock, moaning loudly at the pleasuring impulses the sensors around the artificial skin made him feel. "No. And you'll learn how to behave and be good for your Master. There's only one owner in this house and that is me."

Y/n's mouth fell open when Changbin pounded into her, causing her mouth to fall open at just how huge he was, causing her mouth to fall open in a 'o' shape. "That's right. You feel that? You feel your owner fucking you all deep and tight? Good. Get used to it, my little toy. This is your new life." There wasn't really a boundary between Changbin being angry with her for her condescending behavior and how much in 'love' he was with her.

The human could only cry in response, in disbelief of just how big the Android was as he started fucking her fast and hard, groaning and pinching and biting at her nipples messily, leaving marks on her tits and chest. "You're mine. Everyone shall know that." Changbin promised his possession, slapping her crying red face. "You look even prettier like this. Crying while taking your owner's cock." Spitting on her face, the Android moaned loudly at how good his sensors were making him feel.

"Fuck… you're so tight. Are you sure it was my cock and not the fear that I might rip you while fucking you giving you the 'heebie jeebies', hm?" His voice was much deeper than usual, hardened cock with soft fake skin on top of it hitting the girl's sensitive bundle of nerves. The android grunted before he realised that he was getting closer to his orgasm, almost collapsing on top of her when the ecstasy took over his system, harshly kissing her.

"How pathetic." He chuckled as he felt the artificial semen filling her up whilst she stayed limp in her place. "Such a good girl. Giving into her owner."

Changbin refused to open her up after that. No matter how much she begged. Cleaning her up and making her hygienic again on the bed because he didn't trust humans one bit. Making her 'willingly' suck his cock and take it in both of her holes whilst thanking him. Eating his cum as a starter before any meal became a ritual as well. Whenever Y/n would try to deny him because she was human and continuous fucking made her sore, he would just leave her in her own mess or not give her food, or not visit her in the room at all until she would be crying and begging him to fuck her willingly. Changbin made sure to degrade and humiliate her while doing so, forcing her to repeat it all after him, always keeping her in restraints, sometimes switching to the ropes he attached on the ceiling or folding her limbs together.

Now this was perfect. The superior owning the inferior. Soon, it would be the rule of the world. His kind didn't choose to exist, but now that they were here, they were here to stay.

.

[jungshookz]

the need for speed(dating); pjm

➺ pairing; park jimin x reader

➺ genre; sfw!! fluff!! y/n’s a goofball!! jimin’s into that!! featuring sommelier!hobi but before he finds his y/n,.. and also bartender!tae!! 

➺ wordcount; 5.7k

➺ summary; hoseok tricks y/n into attending a speed-dating event and (unsurprisingly) it doesn’t go down so well... then things gets a little better, thanks to the handsome stranger sitting at the bar. 

➺ what to expect; “please tell me you didn’t lure me here with the prospect of spaghetti and meatballs just to get me to take part in a speed-dating event for sad, single people.”

                                        »»————-　♡　————-««

“oh my god, what’s the rush?!” you stumble over your feet as hoseok continues to drag you along with him, “seriously, you need to slow down because i’m going to twist an ankle if you make me walk any faster-”

“we’re late for our reservation because you couldn’t decide on what top to wear-” hoseok scoffs and picks up his pace, your eyes widening for a split second when you actually almost fall flat on your face

“hey, i just wanted to wear something nice because you said that the place we were going to was a nice place- if you didn’t raise the standards, then i wouldn’t have raised the standards either!”

“less talking, more walking!”

you’re really not sure what possessed hoseok to want to go to a fancy restaurant tonight

pizza hut’s doing this triple treat box thing for the holidays and you suggested getting that because you get three main courses in one big box

what’s not to like?!

you weren’t even aware that hoseok had made reservations until earlier today 

he just sprung it on you that you guys were eating at a restaurant and not at the apartment tonight anD he told you to dress up nicely because of some dress-code 

“is this the part where you tell me you’ve actually been in love with me this entire time?” you joke as the two of you approach the restaurant, your eyes immediately picking up the romantic lighting coming from inside, “need i remind you, our ‘let’s get married if we don’t find anyone’ deal expires when we turn thirty, and i’m definitely not-”

“i’m not confessing my undying love for you tonight, y/n-” hoseok rolls his eyes playfully, the two of you joining the queue, “i just wanted to eat something that wasn’t fast food for once, you know?”

“you’re telling me the pizza hut triple treat box didn’t sound one bit tempting?”

hoseok pauses 

“…we’ll do that next week.”

heh

“plus, uh, you said that you wanted spaghetti and meatballs or something, right? i looked up where to find the city’s best spaghetti and meatballs, and this place came up as one of the results!” hoseok chirps, though you’re barely paying attention to him because you’ve just taken notice of one of the signs sitting by the entrance

“hey, look at that-” you point to the wooden sign before snorting to yourself, “there’s a speed-dating event taking place here tonight. i can’t wait to watch sad, single people get nervous and twitchy while talking to other sad, single people. do you think if we asked nicely, they could move us to a table where we can eavesdrop on everyone’s conversations??”

“yeah, our table is… a lot closer to the event than you think.” hoseok mutters off to the side before shoving his hands into the pockets of his trousers

“what’s that supposed to mean?” you turn to look at him, your brows knitting together in suspicion when he avoids your gaze and starts whistling a happy little tune to himself

…

…

oh my god

“hoseok,” you clear your throat quietly, hoseok’s eyes widening in alert when he notices you take a tiny step away from him, “please tell me you didn’t lure me here with the prospect of spaghetti and meatballs just to get me to take part in a speed-dating event for sad, single people.”

“well, i…” hoseok swallows, his adam’s apple bobbing in his throat

he flashes you a sheepish smile to confirm your answer

NO

“do they- do they even have spaghetti and meatballs on the menu??” you gawk, taking several steps back so you can look up at the name of the restaurant

le petit paris

oh god

this whole thing was a set-up

everything is a lie!  

this place is french

“this place is FRENCH!” you gasp, bringing a hand up to your chest in shock at this outright betrayal, “you tricked me, you slimy-” you spin around on your heels to walk back to the car, “i’m going home! no, first i’m going to get the triple treat- actually, i can’t finish that all on my own so- i’m going home, and i’m going to order that fancy ham and cheese sandwich from that one deli-”

“the fancy ham and- that’s a croque monsieur, y/n, that’s french!” hoseok snaps, “will you get back here?? you can’t go home because i’m the one who drove us here-”

“i don’t care!” you exclaim, standing at the edge of the sidewalk before looking to see if there are any taxis nearby that you can wave down, “i’m going home!”

“oh, c’mon-” hoseok gives the rest of the strangers in line an apologetic smile before rushing over to grab you before you can make an escape, “will you relax and please just-”

“hoseok, i am not doing this- are you kidding me?? you know how i feel about dating-” 

“i know, i know!” hoseok waves his arms, “but- just- you haven’t been out on any dates since you and seokjin broke up a year and a half ago...”

you immediately clam up at the mention of seokjin and you feel your entire face flush

it’s true

you haven’t made any efforts to go out and meet new people since you split with seokjin (sure, it was a mutual breakup, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt any less when he came to pick up his box of belongings at your apartment)

“and every time i tried to set you up on a blind date, you said that you weren’t ready for that yet- which, by the way, is obviously totally understandable, but-”

“but what?! there shouldn’t be a but!” you cross your arms, “all i have to say is that i’m not ready, and that should be enough of a reason to not trick me like this-”

“you use the breakup as an excuse to get out of everything, y/n!” hoseok exasperates, “remember when i asked you if you wanted to come to one of my wine-tasting courses? do you remember what you said to me?”

(“oh, you know… i would love to watch you do you thing at your… super fancy wine and cheese tasting thing, but i… i’m still grieving over the breakup! i’m, like, still devastated. super devastated. i’m in a very sensitive state, so i don’t think it’d be a good idea for me to leave my apartment, like, at all-”)

“…touché.” you mutter, reaching up to scratch the back of your neck

for the record, you felt really bad about not going to support hoseok at his fancy sommelier thing as soon as you hung up but you made up for it by going to his next one!

“plus, you look really pretty tonight and it would be a complete and utter shame to let that go to waste!” hoseok gestures to your outfit, “your ass looks great in these jeans, your legs look great in these heels, your boobs look fantastic-”

“okay, i think i get the point-”

“and you know i love hanging out with you, but… sometimes i wanna go out on dates too, you know?” he sighs, his shoulders drooping a little, “like, we can’t spend every weekend together-”

“i know that!” you frown, “you can just tell me that you have a date and can’t hang out, don’t make it sound like i’m forcing you to spend time with me-”

“i know, but i would feel bad about leaving you at home while i’m out with a potential romantic partner-”

“okay, you know what?” you raise both your hands before shaking your head, “fine. i will… i will do this one thing for you. i’m just glad we’re doing it together! because it would be awful if i went in there alone-” 

the smile drops from your face when hoseok has the audacity to press his lips together and look away from you again

“oh my- are you serious?? you’re not even doing this?? a second ago you were talking about finding your potential romantic partner!” 

“sure, but i wanna find them organically!” hoseok shrugs before scrunching his nose, “plus, i think speed dating is tacky.”

“wha-” you gawk, immediately spinning back around, “well, in that case, the only way you’re getting me in that restaurant is if you drag my cold, dead body-”

                                           »»————-　♡　————-««

“okay, if you need me, i’ll be sitting, like, right over there where you can still see me so it’ll sort of feel like we’re in this together-“ hoseok smooths the name sticker onto your shirt before giving it a pat, “but i saw a warm goat cheese puff pastry thing on the menu and i’m going to be helping myself to a big ol’ serving of that-”

“i hate you.” you interrupt, staring at hoseok blankly

“oh, you don’t mean that…” he coos, reaching up to fix a couple strands of your hair, “you’ll see! you’re going to have so much fu-”

“i hate you. and the burgundy button-up that you’re wearing looks awful on you.”

hey!

you said this was your favourite shirt on him!!!

“okay, well-” hoseok looks down at his (beautiful) top before frowning, “now you’re just trying to hurt me-”

“please don’t make me do this.” you whisper, hoseok looking up to see your eyes beginning to water, “i really don’t think i can do this.”

oh boy 

hoseok stays silent for a second as he watches your eyes beginning to well up with moRe tears 

“hey- i know it’s scary, y/n. i know.” hoseok shushes, immediately pulling a handkerchief out from his pocket to dab away your tears, “i know that it’s intimidating to... you know, throw yourself back out there after not having done this for so long, but… you have to at least try, you know?” he pulls away and gives your shoulders a reassuring squeeze, “look- if you really, really don’t wanna do this, we can just enjoy a nice meal together at this super nice restaurant that we definitely can’t afford… but do you think you can at least give it a try? please?”

“i…” you trail off, turning to look over your shoulder at the group of other sad, single people

okay

well

you suppose it wouldn’t hurt to give it a try

it’s been a year and a half!!

and if you’re going to start somewherE, you might as well start at an event that’s dedicated to helping you find love

“fine.” you sniffle, looking down and adjusting the sleeves of your blouse, “but i saw truffle fries on the menu and you’re buying two orders of that for takeout-“

“deal!” hoseok chirps, spinning you around before gently nudging you towards the group of strangers, “remember to smile! and to not talk about seokjin! ooh, and to not make any weird jokes that could scare a potential suitor away!”

“go away, you’re being embarrassing-” you hiss quietly, stepping down to enter the… pit?

you’re not sure what to call this part of the restaurant

it’s the area where hosts usually ask customers to wait while they set up a table for them 

whatever this place is called, you’re just glad that there’s a bar here because you’re definitely going to need a boost of liquid courage

the lighting is nice and dim which is great because you’re pretty sure your eyeliner is already starting to smudge from almost bursting into tears a second ago

you stand awkwardly by the stairs as you take in the scene before you

…

you haven’t even been here ten seconds and you already want to leave

what makes things worse is the fact that this isn’t one of those regular speed dating ones where you’re set up with a person and then after the timer goes off you move to the next table

no

this is one of those free, go-with-the-flow speed dating events where you just go up to anyone you want and spark up a conversation and hopefully find someone who can match your energy

and since you came late, it seems as though everyone’s already found someone else to talk to

great!

you’re the only sad, single person in this room of sad, single, but paired-up people

you look back out to the main area of the restaurant to see hoseok chatting it up with one of the waitresses

she giggles as she shakes her head, writing something down on her notepad

it seems like he’s having a good time out there

…you hope he chokes on his goat cheese pastries.

okay

what you need to do is just go for it, you know?

like, don’t even think about anything

just go up to anyone and say hello, and then you’ll wing it from that point

you wipe your clammy hands down on the back of your jeans as you make your way towards the centre of the room, looking around for anyone… who isn’t… talking to anyone… else…

ah!

you reach up to pinch your own cheeks in an attempt to loosen up your face muscles before forcing a bright smile on your face

you can do this

easy peasy!

saying hello isn’t hard

“hilo!” you greet, tapping the guy on the shoulder to get his attention

oh

never mind

turns out saying hello brings some of its own challenges

“i mean- hi.” you clear your throat, already feeling heat trickling up your chest, “sorry. i didn’t know if i wanted to say hi or if i wanted to say hello, and i guess my brain kinda just jumbled the two together-”

“hello,” he cuts you off before offering you a stiff smile, “that’s alright. i was actually in the middle of a conversation, if you don’t mind-” he points to over his shoulder at the girl standing in front of him and your eyes widen in surprise

whoopsies

“oh, gosh! i- um, i’m so sorry!” you take a small step back before raising both your hands up, “i’m sorry, i didn’t see her over your broad shoulders, so- o-oh, that wasn’t- that wasn’t me hitting on you or anything, by the way, that was just, like- your broad shoulders were just a general observation-“ you chuckle, shooting him two finger guns, “okay, yeah. you guys can go ahead and… do your thang…” you press your lips together tightly when he turns back around, focusing his attention back on his date

alright

no problem!

it’s fine

“not embarrassing at all…” you murmur lowly as you step backwards, jolting when you accidentally bump into someone

!

you whip around quickly to apologize but you don’t get a chance to because suddenly there’s a champagne flute and a dirty plate being shoved into your hands

“wha-”

“a refill would be awesome,” the brunette smiles at you, “moët and chandon, please.”

“oh, i’m not a-”

“oh, of course!” she gasps, reaching into her purse and pulling out a dollar bill, “here you go…” she narrows her eyes as she looks at your name tag, “y/n! lovely service. you’re doing a great job, girlfriend. it’s hard workers like you who make up the backbone of our society.”

“thank… you?” you stand frozen in shock when she tucks the folded bill into the shoulder of your blouse

this blouse was $200 and apparently it makes you look like a server so that’s definitely money well-spent

but also, who in their right mind would think a restaurant server would be wearing a square-necked, puffy sleeved blouse as part of their uniform?!

and why would a waiter have the exact same name sticker as everyone else participating in this speed-dating event??

“excuse me… pardon me…” you mutter as you elbow your way through the crowd, holding the dish and the glass up a little higher so you don’t get any crumbs or anything on anyone’s clothes

“oh, could you take this for me, please?”

“and this, too!”

“no, i-” you stop in your tracks when a plate is stacked on top of the one you’re already holding and you fight back the urge to let out a speechless laugh, “okay, sure, i’ll even drive you people home at the end of the night-”

to be fair, when you’re holding a dish and a glass like that, it does kind of make you look like a waiter so you can’t really blame everyone for thinking that you’re here to serve them

by the time you make your way to the bar, you’re balancing five little plates in one hand and you have four champagne flute stems held upside down and pinched in between your fingers

you let out a huff as you set everything down in the sink behind the bar, being careful not to drop and break anything

you dust your hands off, looking out towards the restaurant to see hoseok happily picking at a charcuterie board while swirling a glass of wine in his other hand

that sick, twisted bastard

…and your blouse now has a splotch of creamy white sauce on it, which is just fantastic, isn’t it?

not only do you look like a waiter, now you look like a perverted waiter!

“oh, come on…” you groan quietly, grabbing a napkin and wetting it with your tongue before reaching down to rub at it, “i just had this dry-cleaned a couple of days ago…”

so far this has been a living nightmare

but at least you got a dollar out of it!

...she could’ve given you a more generous tip, but it is what it is. 

“i feel like scrubbing it just makes it worse, no?” you hear a voice a couple feet away from you and you look up while continuing to rub at the stain

“that’s true, but i feel like dabbing it gently really doesn’t-“ you choke over your own words when your brain finally catches up to your eyes

handsome

handsome handsome handsome handsome handsome

holy handsome

the stranger tilts his head slightly, the corners of his pretty mouth pulling up into a lopsided smile, “really doesn’t…?”

“does- doesn’t, um…” you look down at the stain on your blouse as you feel your brain working overtime to spit out an answer, “doesn’t… do the thing.”

“do the thing. hm. that’s a fair point.” he hums, bringing his glass up to his mouth for a sip

you feel your heart skip a beat when you take in his pretty side profile... from the smooth, straight slope of his nose... to his pink, pillowy lips

oh, wow 

maybe there’s still some hope that this event won’t turn out to be too bad 

you stand up a little straighter when it hits you that this is your chance

this is your chance to stop being a waiter and start being a fellow speed-dater!!

“what are you drinking?” you ask, sitting down on the stool next to him before folding your arms up on the counter, “i could use a drink.”

“a gimlet.”

“a- a giblet? like… from chicken?” you frown, looking at the contents of his glass, “you’re drinking chicken giblets??”

he chokes on his sip and sets his glass down quickly before reaching up to wipe at his mouth with a napkin, turning to look at you with a smile, “no, silly. not giblet. gimlet. it’s gin, simple syrup, and lime juice.”

yeah

that makes more sense

“oh-” you snort, bringing a hand up to cover your mouth a little, “sorry. i heard giblet. but a gimlet sounds really good.”

“can i get one for you?” he asks, already raising his hand to get the bartender’s attention

“that would be nice, yes.” quickly letting out a breath when he turns to talk to the bartender

so far, so good!

you didn’t weird him out with your gimlet-giblet thing, which is a good sign

you cross one leg over the other, pausing for a second before switching legs

you hate sitting on bar stools because you can never find a comfortable position on them…

at the end of the night you’re always left with one butt cheek on the stool and one hanging oFF the stool

you settle on crossing your right leg over your left, nodding to yourself before folding your hands over your lap

this is a natural looking position, right??

you just don’t want to look like a dumbass in front of the very attractive giblet man

“everything okay?”

you look up to see that he’s turned back to face you, one arm propped up on the counter with his jaw resting against his fist

“oh! yeah.” you wave him off, “sorry… i just haven’t done this in a long time, that’s all.”

“what? sitting on a bar stool?” he jokes, the sound of his giggle immediately giving you a spurt of newfound energy, “are you enjoying yourself so far?”

“me?” you purse your lips in thought before scrunching your nose, “eh. i don’t think so. everyone thought i was one of the waiters, so i haven’t been able to really spark up any conversations because i’ve been busy collecting dirty plates and empty glasses- which reminds me, i’m pretty sure there are like, three people waiting for me to bring them champagne…“ you trail off, turning to look over your shoulder to see if there are any angry customers glaring you down

“yeah, i saw…” the stranger chuckles, “for the record, you’re actually pretty good at balancing plates! i probably would’ve dropped them all.”

“the only thing that kept me from dropping them all was the reminder that i’d probably have to pay for the damage done.”

“very, very true! and the bill would’ve been sky-high because this place is pretty fancy.”

“i know!!” you gasp, “and you can tell it’s fancy because you can pay someone else to park your car for you. like- valets are just- you know. fancy.”

“fancy.” he mimics, his knee bumping against yours as he shifts in his stool, “so, do you go to speed-dating events often?”

“oh, no.” you pause to thank the bartender as he sets down your drink on a coaster, “this is actually the first time i’ve ever been to one of these things. i didn’t even wanna come here in the first place, but my friend forced me to because he thinks i should get back into the game or whatever considering i broke up with my boyfriend, like, a year and a half ago-”

don’t make any weird jokes! don’t talk about seokjin!

hoseok’s words from earlier tonight suddenly echo in your head and you feel your cheeks grow pink

your giblet joke was pretty weird

and you just mentioned your ex-boyfriend

two for two!

you quickly take a sip of your drink before you blurt anything else out

ooh!

this is actually pretty nice 

“the, uh, the gimlet is good!” you hum, “i like the lime.”

“mhm, it’s my favourite drink.” he smiles, reaching over to gently clink his glass against yours before taking his own sip, “so your friend forced you to come and you’re not having a good time? that’s pretty rough.”

“yeah, well...” you sigh, “speed-dating is just the worst, you know? like… okay, if the hosts had set this up, like, where you get five minutes to talk to someone and then when the timer goes off, you move to the next table-”

“oh, yeah-”

“yeah, exactly- if it was like that, it probably would’ve been better, because that way no one gets left out!” you scoff, “but this freestyle just-talk-to-whoever-you-want-to type speed-dating is frankly ineffective and totally stupid, in my opinion. whoever organised this thing probably had one too many gimlets while they were planning it out…” you giggle, shaking your head, “also, i feel like organising a speed-dating event during the holidays is a little sad, you know? like… well, it’s not as bad as hosting one on valentine’s day or something, but doing it during christmas seems a little awkward, and, like… taking advantage and leeching onto sad, single people.”

“i see where you’re coming from- you know, i was at a valentine’s day one earlier this year and i’m pretty sure most of the people there were just looking to bone each other and not to make a real connection.”

“well, when you say it like that, it seems like speed-dating events are just a gateway drug into full-blown orgies-”

you bite back a grin when he chokes on his drink again before throwing his head back in laughter

wow!

this is going great!!!

you’re definitely going to have to thank hoseok if this thing with giblet man works out

of course, you should probably noT keep calling him giblet man if you want it to work out

his actual name is a crucial piece of information if you’re planning on asking him out on a proper date

“oh, by the way-” you clear your throat, “i never got your na-”

“hold on, before you say anything else, i just have to do something really quickly-” he holds his finger up to stop you before turning and getting up off the stool, your brows furrowing in confusion when he picks up the microphone sitting on the stool on the other side of him

huh

that’s a little weird

who brings a microphone to a speed-dating event?

bursting into song while everyone’s trying to have conversations with each other seems like a questionable thing to d-

“i hope everyone’s having a good time so far!” he announces, the music lowering a little bit as he continues to speak, “i just wanted to chime in and remind everyone to write down the names of whoever you’re interested in seeing again- there should be notepads and pens sitting on each of the tables…”

…

…

…

oh

oh no

oh dear GOD

you spin back around to face the bar, immediately slapping a hand over your mouth to suppress a scream of mortification when you realise that you just talked trash about the host of this event while talking to the host of the event

no wonder he didn’t have a name sticker!!! 

he didn’t even stop you! he just let you go on and on and on-

i need to get the hell out of here

you need to leave the crime scene immediately!!!!!

you down the rest of your drink before hopping off the stool, reaching up to rip your name sticker off and crumpling it up before tossing it to the side

of course 

of course this would happen to you!

out of all the people in the world, of course this would happen to you!

that’s it

you’re never going to do this again

in fact, you’re just never going to leave the apartment ever again

you’re just going to rot in your apartment and die alone, which sounds like a pretty good option to you

you should think about leaving the country while you’re at it 

you head straight for hoseok and you’re walking so quickly that your hair is practically whipping behind you

“hey! we’re leaving now-“ you hiss, grabbing hoseok’s arm and giving him a yank, “c’mon, up and at ‘em-”

“woah, woah-” hoseok smacks your hand away from him as he looks up at you incredulously, “what happened?? i just placed an order for your fries and they won’t be ready for a couple more minute-”

“screw the fries!” you duck down a little as you look towards the pit, “i just humiliated myself in front of a very attractive man and i would like to leave before i embarrass myself further-”

“well, what did you even do??” hoseok asks, scrambling to pull his credit card out of his wallet before raising an arm to flag a waiter down, “what happened??”

“oh my god, you don’t even wanna know-” you shake your head, “first, i went up to someone who was already talking to someone and i said hilo because i didn’t know if i wanted to say hi or hello and it came out as hilo- and, anyways, he basically ignored me so then i bumped into someone else and she thought i was one of the waiters which doesn’t even make any sense because i?? i’m not dressed like a waiter! i have a name sticker too!” you point to your chest before realising that you’d ripped it off a second ago, “well, i had one- okay, and then- and then this really cute guy started talking to me as i was wiping my shirt-”

“you stained your new blouse??” hoseok gawks, leaning back a little to inspect your shirt, “you just got it cleaned a couple of days ago!”

oh yeah

that’s a stain

...a very questionable looking stain-

“it was an accident-!” you groan quietly, “so, the cute guy- he started talking to me and we were having a really nice conversation- i slipped up a couple of times and made some weird jokes anD sort of brought up seokjin but-”

“oh my god, y/n-” hoseok mutters, pausing to take the chip reader from the waitress (in your panicked, rambley state, you don’t notice the way he winks at her and her girlish reaction to that)

“-somehow we started talking about speed-dating events and i just went into a rant about how tacky they are and how much i hate them a-and how much this one in particular sucked- and the next thing i know, he’s picking up a microphone and-”

“will you just get to the point?” hoseok gets up from his seat, pulling his jacket from the back of the chair

“i trash-talked the host in front of his own event!” you whine, feeling the urge to burst into tears for the second time tonight

“oh, jesus, okay-” hoseok laughs uncomfortably as the two of you hurry to get the hell out of here, “maybe you need to find someone organically too… and maybe we’ll avoid speed-dating for a while…”

“i told you we should’ve gone home!” you shiver as you step out into the cold, instinctively wrapping your arms tight around yourself

you decided not to bring a coat because you wanted to show off your pretty blouse but now you wish you’d brought one just to a) keep you warm AND b) hide your definitely-not-cum-stained waiter blouse

“this sucks! and i didn’t even get my truffle fries-!” you groan loudly, your voice dissipating into the air

“alright, shakespeare, take it down a notch-” hoseok reaches over to give you a pat on the back, “also, if you were willing to wait-”

“hey, hold on!” you stop in your tracks when you hear a familiar voice call out and you whip around to see the man you just embarrassed yourself in front of, “y/n!”

great!

and now he knows your name, too! 

“oh, god.” you turn back around, picking up your pace at the sight of hoseok’s car, “c’mon, let’s go-”

“you can’t just ignore him, he’s literally calling for you-!” hoseok grabs the back of your shoulders to stop you before turning you around, “i’m gonna wait in the car- and you better not mess up what looks to be a second chance-”

“hos-!” you don’t get a chance to turn and run after hoseok because the next thing you know-

“hey! you left your name sticker at the ball, cinderella.” mr. gimlet jogs up to you, unfurling his fist to reveal your sad, crumpled name-tag

“you came out just to bring me garbage?” you joke weakly, feeling completely drained from the events of tonight, “how romantic.”

“it’s, um, jimin, by the way.” he clears his throat, standing up straight, “that’s my name.”

“jimin.” you nod, testing the feel of his name coming out of your mouth 

jimin 

hm

you like it :-)

“i was going to tell you but when i turned around, you disappeared-” 

“well, yeah, because like-” you pause, “you’re not mad?”

“what?” he frowns, “why would i be mad?”

“because i… said all of that stuff?” you reach up to scratch the back of your head, “about… you know… stuff.”

“everyone’s entitled to their own opinion, y/n.” jimin smiles, offering you a boyish grin, “you’re a real goofball, you know that? you ran away because you thought i would be mad that you didn’t like the speed-dating event i was hosting?”

“yeah, i, uh… i full-on sprinted out of there…” you chuckle nervously, uncrumpling your name-sticker just so you have something to do with your hands, “ah, i’m sorry. i just- well, you know, i… haven’t really… done stuff like this in a while, so…”

“well,” jimin clears his throat, taking a step forward before plucking the sticker from your twitchy fingers, “you’re welcome to talk about how much you hate dates while we’re out on our date.”

“yeah, i- wait, o-our date?” you quickly look up at him before blinking owlishly, “are you- you want to take me out on a date?”

jimin smooths your sticker flat out on his palm before flipping it around to show you his number that he scribbled onto the back

he wants to take you out on a date?

...

jimin wants to take you out on a date!!!!!!!!

“of course i do!” he states as if it’s the most obvious thing in the entire world before handing the sticker back to you, “we can get wasted on giblets and you can help me plan out my next super-tacky speed-dating event.”

“oh, god-” you feel your face flush as you shake your head furiously, “i’m... so sorry...” 

“y/n, it’s fine-” jimin laughs, reaching over to hook a finger under your chin to get you to look up at him, “so... what do you say?” 

after everything that took place tonight you were sure you’d be leaving the restaurant with nothing but hoseok and two orders of truffle fries

but no!!!

here you are, being asked out by a very cute boy while his number sits right in the palm of your hand 

...this is what they’d call a christmas miracle, right?

christmas with cee 2020 masterlist

🎁what would you like from ceenta this year? 🎁

[rianafying]

journal entry time:

i missed my therapy appointment this morning and i feel so stupid for it. like i’m an absolute idiot. i really needed it. it’s making me very anxious. like i’ve failed the day. which i have. i have failed to do the one important task of the day. and it was so stupid and forgetful of me. and i’m hungry. and broke. i haven’t been able to get a job because most of the jobs available are in food, and my doctor said to not do fast food jobs because of my psoriasis. i’ve not even been looking for a retail job properly. I need the money. I’m sad, because i’m not doing everything right. i’m scared that things will keep going wrong. i should start working on my other assignments early. and i still haven’t cleaned my room. everything’s a mess. inside and out. i’m not actually overwhelmed, but i’m not okay either, like i’m mildly agitated by the fact that i forgot, but i’m sure my therapist will understand, and i can just get another appointment next week. i don’t know what to do about my weight though. i hate talking about it in my journals because people are like ohhh ur not fat ur beautiful, no! that’s not what i want to hear, i don’t want to hear anything at all.. especially if you’re a guy. like i’m venting to myself, this is not at all about what you think of me. this is about what i think of me. nobody else’s encouragement or discouragement means anything to me. the point is that i’m the only person whose opinion i care about and right now i’m not a fan of me. i keep forgetting things, i keep spending too much time watching rlly dumb youtube videos. i keep failing to exercise or clean my room. i’m a slightly better than average student, which is not even nearly good enough. i’m unemployed. uncool. carrying so much baggage. trauma. anxiety. depression. psoriasis. everything is slowly crumbling down on me. i feel like at best i can keep things duct taped for a week or two, then the cracks start to show. i feel sad. there’s things i want that i can’t afford. i can barely afford to eat well and tap on on the trains. i feel alone and scared. i can’t even talk to anyone because i have trust issues and i don’t want to burden anybody with me. although sometimes it helps to get an outside perspective or we can suffer from tunnel vision if we just keep to ourselves but i’ll take that chance, because i’m usually the one people reach out to to talk about things because i often have a realistically positive perspective on things, and i can communicate it in a convincing way. and i do that for myself too. and so far, aside from therapy i haven’t needed much support. and besides, people aren’t very good at giving support, their perspectives often feel like forced optimism, but not in a good way. there are obvious holes in their arguments and i know i’m being a smart ass right now but this is my inner monologue, just fucking let me. basically, most people don’t give good advice or advice that is suited to me. but i do a decent job. so here i am. journaling again. giving myself advice. again.

it’s sunny today, i don’t like that. i miss the rain. it rained continuously the last two days and nights. and i still can’t get enough. the rain comforts me. it’s like a blanket of dripping sounds. it cools the world down, gives it a much needed shower. i love when it rains.

i thought i was supposed to go to a party tonight but it’s actually on saturday next week. so that’s good, i guess?

i fell asleep in the middle of writing my journal entry because i saw my face on the black reflection of my phone and put my phone away and cried into my pillow. then i fell asleep. and now i’m up. and i’m confused. i’m listening to some habibi funk. turns out one of my friends is also into habibi funk and that makes me happy. okay i’m going to get something to eat now. i have 13 dollars in total, so i’ll save that and try to eat some crackers and tuna at home. rlly tired of ramen. everything is very expensive here. living is so expensive. am i good enough to be spending all this money? aka living? am i?

life be easy on me.

i wish i was happy with myself. lately i’ve been quite the opposite. i wish i was cool. cool people seem to like themselves and be comfortable in their own skin. couldn’t be me. or could. could be me. i’ll try.

[rexsjaigeyes]

Are We There Yet?

Bodhi Rook x gender neutral reader

Words: 1.5k

Warnings: suggestive content

A/N: This is a birthday surprise for my bestie @zinzinina​​​​ that the lovely @mandaloriandin​​​​ and I created, but anyone can read this if they want to!

You weren't sure how many days you had been cramped up in the small ship with Bodhi. You were never good at keeping track of time in hyperspace — that was Bodhi's area of expertise, not yours. But you weren’t dumb; it was no coincidence that Bodhi took you on this little trip days before your birthday. You just weren't sure how many rotations were left before the big day — not with time seemingly dragging on as you stared out into the blue haze of hyperspace.

Bodhi greeted you with a smile as you approached the cockpit and sat in the copilot's seat beside him. He looked a lot happier here with you. He loved fighting for the Rebellion, but sometimes even the toughest fighters needed a break from it all. However, in war, a break was hard to come by. So he was taking a huge risk by 'borrowing’ this small ship to take you on what he described as an 'impromptu getaway.'

You knew there was nothing impromptu about it. Bodhi was not really the spontaneous type, and you knew he wouldn't desert the Rebellion when they needed him most. He must have planned this, and you were willing to bet credits that Cassian or Jyn helped him commandeer the ship too. You played along when he tried to write the trip off as nothing out of the ordinary. There wasn't much Bodhi could do to surprise you — not with constantly being on the Rebellion’s schedule. So you were happy to pretend his little plan had gone unnoticed if it made him feel like he was actually going to surprise you for your birthday.

Even without the element of surprise, you were still excited to see where he was taking you. You wouldn't have expected the trip would take this long, but then again, you assumed he had to find a destination left untouched by the Empire — something which was unfortunately becoming harder and harder to do nowadays.

"You're going to ask me again, aren't you?" Bodhi broke the comfortable silence in the cockpit, and you cracked a grin upon hearing his words.

"It's what you get for dragging me away from my comfy bunk back at the base."

"You and I both know those bunks are lousy."

You shrugged your shoulders, biting your lip to stop yourself from laughing too much. The entire crew had a running joke about the way Bodhi bemoaned the rock-hard bunks the Rebellion was infamous for. The first week he had spent there, he wouldn't stop complaining that even the cold-hearted Imperials gave them more comfortable beds than that. He only stopped his whining when Cassian teased, "We're rebels, Bodhi. We can’t afford luxurious beds." Your crew never let him live it down, but you knew he loved joking around with you about anything, even if it was at his expense sometimes.

"Alright, go ahead." Bodhi surrendered with a playful sigh. "Ask me."

You chuckled and got up from your seat so you could sit on his lap. If you were going to harass him for the rest of the trip, you might as well do it with his arms wrapped around your waist.

"Are we there yet?" You whined, putting on your best mock pout to drive the point home.

It was probably the 20th time you had asked him the silly question, as if he could just pull you out of hyperspace and arrive at the destination instantly. But this time, he seemed to do just that. He reached past your back and pulled at the controls, effectively bringing the ship out of hyperspace and stopping in front of a large, green planet. You glanced over your shoulder to look out the viewport and gasped at how beautiful it looked even from all the way out here in space.

"We're here," Bodhi responded with a grin. "It's been four standard rotations since we left, love. Which means… Happy birthday."

He looked almost bashful now, clearing his throat nervously as you snuggled closer to his chest.

"Thank you, Bodhi," you whispered before pressing a chaste kiss to his lips. He leaned into your touch, his lips seeking yours out before you indulged him and deepened the kiss as a way to show your gratitude. The two of you stayed like that for a moment, happy in each other's embrace and far from the dangers of the war. Then he pulled away from you, eager to show you exactly where he had brought you.

The trip down to the planet's surface was exciting enough on its own, and you had barely made it through the atmosphere. You had never seen a planet crawling with so much life before. You were used to desert planets, having been born on one in the Outer Rim and sent on missions to some of the most dreadful dirtballs. As Bodhi expertly landed the ship in a clearing among the tall trees, you gaped at how beautiful everything looked. You weren’t sure if he had brought you to this specific spot on purpose, but past the trees, you could see a large river leading to a waterfall. You heard Bodhi chuckle from his seat beside you, drawing you back to reality before you turned to see his shy smile.

Your eyes welled with happy tears, amazed that he was even able to find such a lovely place that wasn’t under Imperial rule. “You did all this just for my birthday?”

Bodhi shrugged, acting as humble as ever. “It’s your first birthday with me, so I thought I’d make it special. We could all use one happy day during a time like this.”

He looked down at the controls of the ship, unable to hold your loving gaze for too long. No matter how much you reassured him how much he meant to you, he always felt a little shy bringing up the fight against the Empire because of the part he had played in it before defecting. You reached forward to tilt his chin up so he’d look at you.

“Thank you for bringing me here, love.” You brushed your lips against his again, helping him relax against you before you pulled away with a smile. “So, are we going to explore?”

~

Bodhi helped you pack some food and other necessities before the two of you made the short trek to the waterfall you had seen. Once you got past the trees, your jaw dropped at the sight of the crystal-clear water tumbling down the cliffside into the large pool of water below. There was just enough space for you and Bodhi to sit near the water and eat the food you had brought along with you. He helped you lay a blanket on the lush grass, his hands knocking against yours every once in a while as if he was a shy schoolboy trying to show you he had feelings for you. It was something so small, but somehow, the innocent gesture still left you flustered and yearning to feel more of him.

You felt at ease with Bodhi, able to talk to him about anything while the two of you ate together. You liked the way he watched you with rapt attention as you rambled on about whatever was on your mind. He always gave you the attention you deserved, filing away whatever information you shared for days like this, when he wanted to surprise you with something or show you he cared. He was everything you could ask for in a friend and in a partner. And as you stared at your gorgeous surroundings, you felt so grateful to have met the pilot.

“So… have you enjoyed your birthday so far?” Bodhi asked hesitantly, as if there was any way you could possibly say “no” after everything he had done.

You bit your lip and scooted closer to him so that you could wrap your arms around his body in a tight hug. “This is more than I could have ever asked for, love. I can’t thank you enough for it.”

He kissed your forehead and caressed you with feather-light touches. “I wish it could always be like this. You deserve so much more than the galaxy has to offer.”

Bodhi’s soft confession made your heart beat faster, and you wanted to tell him the same thing. But you were never good at receiving compliments, especially when they were spoken with such adoration. Instead, you wanted to show your feelings through actions.

You pulled yourself from Bodhi’s warm embrace and tugged on his arm to pull him to his feet. “You’ve treated me so wonderfully today,” you said with a glint in your eye. “Now I want to show you how grateful I am for such a lovely gift.”

Bodhi watched with wide eyes as you quickly shed yourself of your clothes, and you chuckled at the way he looked at you as if he had never seen you naked before. Another tug of his arm had him stumbling closer to you, and you pressed yourself against him so he could feel your soft skin beneath his fingertips.

“Take off your clothes, Bodhi. I want to take a swim with you.” You nodded your head in the direction of the clear pool, eager to feel how soothing the water would be. “I think there’s still one more thing we have left to do to celebrate my birthday, don’t you?”

--------

Happy birthday, Sam!! Kylie and I hope you enjoyed this sweet fluff with Bodhi!

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[route22ny]

Survivor stories: Death, loss and selflessness during the pandemic

By Jacqueline Cutler / New York Daily News

Those days when the word corona made you think beer or crown feel like long-gone innocence.

So much happened during these 18 months that how we’re reacting to different phases of the pandemic and how survivors are coping are worth documenting.

“Voices from the Pandemic: Americans Tell Their Stories of Crisis, Courage and Resilience” is a powerful reflection on the last year and a half. Pulitzer-winning journalist Eli Saslow has managed the near-impossible: He makes you want to read more about the pandemic.

This doesn’t bother with maps of where the virus is spiking or death tolls. It can’t be of the moment. Instead, it’s the story of all of us — those who have taken every precaution and those who refused to acknowledge COVID’s deadly path.

Done in the style of the late great Studs Terkel, these are oral histories as the history is happening. Each section has people sharing their stories in their words.

Sure, it’s edited for clarity, but there’s no spin. It’s unfailingly fair: When a tenant recounts her eviction, the next entry is from a landlord who exhausted her savings trying to not evict people.

Even though we think we know the stories of the pandemic, we can’t – at least not all of them. And we never may. Saslow carefully selected a cross-section of people; some who have since died, some who recovered, some who never may.

Saslow reminds us of the first whisperings. On Jan. 4, 2020, there was news about what was considered a pneumonia outbreak in China. Five weeks later, it had a name, COVID-19.

A month later, life as we knew it stopped.

“She’s dead, and I’m quarantined,” Tony Sizemore, of Indianapolis, says of his love, Birdie Shelton, in the first entry from March 2020. “That’s how the story ends. I keep going back over it in loops, trying to find a way to sweeten it, but nothing changes the facts. I wasn’t there with her at the end. I didn’t get to say goodbye. I don’t even know where her body is right now, or if the only thing that’s left is her ashes.”

With that gut-wrenching opening, we’re off. We meet dozens of people we’ve never heard of, which is precisely the point. Everyone knew when Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson were among the first celebrities to get COVID.

But this book introduces Bruce MacGillis, a man in an Ohio nursing home. He refused to let temp workers who couldn’t wear masks correctly get near him and isolated himself until he was vaccinated.

“I’m a hard-ass about this stuff, and I’m not even a little bit sorry,” he told Saslow. “I can’t afford to take chances.”

Some who tell their stories are the superheroes of the pandemic.

A shift leader of a nursing team in Detroit, Sal Hadwan, recounts insane shifts. While we celebrate and honor health care workers – now more than ever – the dire conditions they were working under were horrifying. Remember garbage bags serving as protective gear? Some had one mask per shift.

In April 2020, Hadwan said: “We’re basically handling the most severe cases in the ER, which is not our training. These nurses don’t have a second to relax. You’ve got one patient’s oxygen running out and another whose heart rate is going wild. All you can do is try your best to hear the alarms and then sprint as fast as you can from one emergency to the next. You hope you make it in time. Sometimes you don’t.”

Naturally, it’s bleak. But there are also stories of humanity at its best.

Burnell Cotlon of New Orleans (pictured above) turned his grocery store in the Lower Ninth Ward into a food pantry. He couldn’t afford to, but some of his neighbors couldn’t afford to eat.

As he said in April 2020, “Last week, I caught a lady in the back of the store stuffing things into her purse. We don’t really have shoplifters here.” He knows the customers in his two-aisle market. The woman swiped a carton of eggs, hot dogs, and candy bars.

“She started crying,” Cotlon told Saslow. “She said she had three kids, and her man had lost his job, and they had nothing to eat and no place to go. Maybe it was a lie. I don’t know. But who’s making up stories for seven or eight dollars of groceries? She was telling me, ‘Please, please, I’m begging you. How are we supposed to eat?’ I stood there for a minute and thought about it, and what am I going to do?”

Colton started running tabs – for the first time. He went from having zero customers on credit to 62 within a month. He kept giving to neighbors until he fell three months behind on his mortgage.

In a postscript, Saslow adds that when Colton’s generosity became known, online fundraisers brought in $500,000. Naturally, he put it to great use: forgiving his customers’ debt and beginning construction on a subsidized apartment building. “He also gave out free school supplies and turned his store into a free vaccination site for the community.”

Every page in this is sobering. Every story chilling, relatable, and absolutely forthright.

For those who lost their jobs and who were living paycheck-to-paycheck, rent became impossible to pay. To lose your job, your health, your relatives and now your home is unbearable. Granted, the news often focuses on the tenants, while many of us assume landlords only take time out from counting their money to harass tenants.

It’s a lot easier to feel for the tenants, who are doing all they can.

Saslow interviewed Tusdae Barr, evicted during the pandemic. Although money was tight before COVID, Barr was making rent with everyone in her family chipping in — until work dried up. Barr eventually found herself ousted, then in cheap motels, and finally with relatives.

If you never thought you could sympathize with a landlord, meet Jayne Rocco of Deland, Fla. She became a landlord 25 years ago when broke, reeling from a divorce. Rocco found a lender, bought and fixed up a cheap house, then flipped it and bought two houses. She continued doing this until she had 10 properties, none fancy. Rocco’s profit was about $40,000 a year pre-pandemic.

Trying to help her tenants and pay her bills, Rocco exhausted her savings. She’s still trying, and still has troubles. With some of the people featured, their troubles are financial. For some, such as a newlywed, former athlete Kaitlin Denis, of Chicago, the effects of long-term COVID, are medical. She’s drained and can barely get out of bed.

And some trying to help, such as Amber Elliot, county health director in Farmington, Mo., found herself threatened with anti-vaxxers posting photos of her kids online.

The book ends with a leading voice of science. Stanley Plotkin, 88, a virologist, “developed the rubella vaccine that’s now in standard use throughout the world.” He’s worked on other life-saving vaccines and consults for the World Health Organization.

“Parents can expect their children to grow up, and that’s a relatively new thing,” Plotkin told Saslow in January. “It shouldn’t be taken for granted.”

If this pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that nothing can.

(source)