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ticktickblog · 4 years

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Self-Discipline or Self-Torture?

Don’t Let the Excessive Self-Discipline Hurt You

What has caused the Excessive Self-Discipline?

Bombarded with numbers of books and courses aimed at helping us develop self-discipline, together with numerous praises from people around us or on the internet, it seems quite obvious that self-discipline is such a highly-valued quality in today’s society.

This however, may overstate the significance of being self-disciplined to some extent and may thus pressure us in a way that we easily feel anxious and left-behind if we fail to climb over the “self-restraint mountain” built by so many fabulous examples.

People with such anxiety tend to push themselves harder and harder, just in order to keep pace with those successful examples in this life race. Once their energy is burned out or the willpower collapses, some will fall into an extremely down momentum, thinking they just inertly lack the “self-discipline genes” or completely discrediting being self-discipline itself.

This might explain why even just thinking of self-discipline brings us headaches already. It has been pre-linked with so many negative feelings: toughness, pain, huge effort, discomfort, and shame.

So, is being self-disciplined really a nightmare, or is it just our own misunderstandings or even stereotypes which makes it terrifying?

What does self-discipline really mean to us?

In fact, being self-disciplined never equals to leading a restrictive or punitive lifestyle. Although it seems usually associated with self-control and willpower, it still has to be based on the respect to one’s own free wills, energy flow, effective methods, and positive mindset.

Examples & Contrasts:

“I wanna work out regularly to be more healthy.” vs. “Even though I hate gym, I want 6 packs in order to be as attractive as xxx on Instagram.”

“Think I’ll skip the gym schedule because I’m too tired at work today.” vs. “I gotta work out even though my energy is drained already.”

“I’m good enough even though I know there’s still spaces to improve” vs. “I am terrible and I have no choice but to change.”

“Forming a healthy eating to reduce pizzas for meals” vs. “Cutting pizzas forever off my diet”

“Forgetting Curve is a useful way to learn new vocabularies” vs. “I can learn as many vocabularies as possible so long as I invest more time.”

Through the checklist, some may come to realize that you’re unfortunately in a “self-discipline trap”, where you get your heads up and drain yourself all the time, and where any mistakes, failure and laziness are absolutely not allowed. Is this really the way we improve ourselves to reduce anxiety, or a way to cause greater stress and anxiety? I’ll leave you to think about it.

In general, even though staying self-disciplined is beneficial for self-improvement and the quality of life, it’s never a “everyone-must-do” in life and never means self-torture. On top of it, staying healthy is much much more important.

How can we avoid being over self-restrained?

1. Follow your own energy flow and limit

This simply means when your body tells you that you need rest, then it’s high time you should rest. We all have our own energy flow and upper limit. What in return when disobeying it may not be desirable results. For example, sleeping for 5 hours and then forcing yourself to get up for a morning gym sesh. The harm caused by insufficient sleep may overweigh the good brought by working out. Therefore, arranging yourself a work-out when you have enough time and energy to handle it, instead of sacrificing your sleep time just to do it anyways.

2. Follow your own heart instead of following others

Information on the internet, especially social media, has created a hidden competitive environment where numerous good examples lead the trends and define what is good and cute. People who see these consciously or subconsciously tend to follow. However, 6 packs isn’t a must, neither is S-shape. Not having them is also not a shame. My suggestion is listen to your own voice instead of others. Think and identify whether it is what you truly desire or just the illusional self that other people project in your mind.

3. Keep a positive mindset based on self-acceptance

It might sound like a paradox if I don’t deny myself, how can I have the idea to regulate my behavior? Well, try this way: “I accept and love myself, and I also don’t mind making some changes to be better”. For example, staying up late often largely affects my work efficiency and also speeds the aging of my skin. Therefore, I wanna quit this habit because I wish to improve these. This positive mindset that you develop before taking an action can bring sustainable effects, which helps you enjoy and then insist on doing something. Conversely, denying yourself, e.g. “I am a whole mess that I sleep late too often. My work efficiency is also slow and I age fast”, usually brings up a lot of negative feelings, which may be converted to a strong motivation in the beginning, but is usually inconsistent. Once the rush fades, your self-denial is also enhanced.

4. Adjust your goals and expectations

Some who are excessively self-restrained may also face the situation that their goals and expectations on themselves are too ambitious. This normally comes in two ways: First, they never stop till it’s perfect, despite the fact that nothing could be really perfect. Second, they establish an ambitious goal to themselves. The more unachievable it seems, the more fulfilled they will feel.

For example, losing 10 pounds in a week, quitting smoking immediately and cutting pizza forever off the diet. It then easily goes into an unbalanced and unhealthy cycle that they always set goals but never reach them, no matter how hard they’ve tried. Plus, every time bad habits come back 10 times stronger than before as a payback.

My suggestion is:

* Perfectionism is a fallacy. * Attainable is more important than ambitious. * Huge success always comes from small steps through the time.

5. Work smart instead of working hard

Finding more effective and efficient methods is also another way to avoid self-torture. We might all have ever been stuck in the situation that no matter how much effort we’ve made, the progress is sluggish. Some went further by devoting endlessly. But, reflecting on it, have you found better ways to do it instead of just trying harder?

For example, if I have a goal of learning 20 new vocabularies each day when learning a language, I might follow the Forgetting Curve to improve the efficiency. When trying to stay focused when working from home, I use the Pomo Technique to maintain a work-life balance.

Be careful, sometimes when you feel you’ve been “super self-disciplined”, you may just be “less productive”. Like what Henry Ford said, “Improved productivity means less human sweat, not more.”

Takeaways:

Self-discipline doesn’t have to be associated with discomfort, pain or depression. Therefore, when establishing the healthy habit of being self-disciplined, please remember:

* Follow your own energy flow and limit

* Follow your own heart instead of others

* Keep a positive mindset based on self-acceptance

* Adjust your goals and expectations

* Work smart instead of working hard

#self discipline #selfrestraint #self torture #self harm #self acceptance #self denial #self improvement #self care

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rika-kihira · 4 years

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training I can do for now

a new interview with Rika, taken before she could return to the ice at the end of May. Kindly translated by Juro, if you know what Rika was doing and thinking during the time she spent at home! source: https://twitter.com/nhk_sports/status/1269887012510797824?s=21

Training I can do for now

The world of sports was heavily affected by the spread of novel corona virus. World figure skating championship in March was cancelled. A similar situation happened to various competitions. Training camps abroad and ice shows during this period couldn’t take place. Even when she couldn’t use the rink and training wasn’t going as planned, Rika Kihira, responding to our interview, was still looking ahead and at the same time reflecting on herself.

＊＊＊＊＊

I: Kihira-senshu, how is your training going these days?

R: Normally during this period, I will do ice shows or go abroad, and hardly be at home, so I’m reflecting on myself, trying out various things and finding things I can only do now, things that I can’t do when there are practices, training camps and shows.

For example, I try to drive myself harder than usual in running exercises when I don’t skate. I set out some days to daringly do things like that. I’m training in such a way so that when I can come back to the ice and restart competing, I can think “thanks to (what I’m doing) now, I’ve been getting stronger”. I’ve been doing (setting her mind) that a lot these days.

I: You could do whatever you couldn’t do until now.

R: Yes. When I still had skating, I was concerned with stuff like “what if I’m injured, my condition falls apart, I can’t jump, when I overdo it”, even when I’m training, I think about where to stop, “let’s do it to this point”, and what has to be done the next day. However, now there’s no skating, so it feels like I’m researching on my own body. I’m practicing while experimenting various things, finding out what happens when I drive myself in a certain way.

I: Have you made any preparation for next season?

R: For now, I haven’t decided on my programs. To be honest, according to the plan, I would have been wrapping up my choreography around this period, but then, I can’t go abroad. There aren’t new aspects (to explore) in both SP and FP, so I haven’t made any decision. It’s difficult not to know what the future plan is, but I want to try and get the most out of what I can do right now, so I can reach the suitable condition when returning to competition.

I: That’s such a tough situation, but we can feel the positivity in Kihira-san’s answer.

R: There are times when I couldn’t sleep or negativity creeped in, but when I’m too worried, negative problems keep piling up excessively in my head, which became a vicious cycle many times already.

Now, I’ve made a habit of always trying to think actively and positively that “the current ordeals are meant for what will come in the future”, and look ahead. I don’t allow myself to indulge negativity and try to be positive. These days I’ve been having a great time studying English, practicing ballet with my sister and gaming at home. I think I’m charging my energy as happy moments like those increase.

The season she jumped quad.

I: Kihira-senshu, what do you think about your 2nd senior season?

R: In 2018, my first senior season, I made a lot of mistakes with the 3A in the SP, so it’s good that there weren’t that many similar mistakes in my 2nd senior year. Besides, I managed to rank 1st in the World ranking for the first time, so I think it was a very happy season.

I: On the other hand, was there anything you are bitter about?

R: Well, if we are talking about competitions, I think it was GPF. I managed to challenge the quad, though it wasn’t a successful attempt. I didn’t let the other elements fall apart, which was a big achievement for me. However, last time I was the champion, so dropping to 4th place this time made me a bit frustrated. When the competition just ended, I felt satisfied, thinking I achieved something significant (re: quad), but after that, I thought I either wanted to succeed in my quad attempt or get on the podium without the quad.

I: About challenging the quad, how do you feel about that now?

R: Till then (GPF), I hadn’t challenged the quad at any major competition, so I was very anxious. Nevertheless, it was a significant decision so I was happy that I went through with it. I don’t know how the situation will turn out from now on, but for the sake of being able to put quad(s) in future programs with certainty, I consider that attempt a big step ahead.

I: You’ve been asked repeatedly “Do you jump quads?”, so did you feel any pressure?

R: Uhm, I don’t really feel pressured. Frankly, I’ve always been aware of the expectation about quads from people around me, so telling myself “let’s perfect (quads) in practice” sort of becomes my own encouragement.

I chose to opt out incorporating quad in many competitions because of my condition at that time, but I was determined not to be confused by words around me. “I do it when I should, and I don’t do it when I don’t”. I’ve decided that I have the final say.

I: For a 17-year-old, making your own decision sounds like a very difficult task.

R: I felt strongly that I didn’t want to make mistakes in competitions. I can incorporate the quad when I should, but if I knew that I would make a mistake, I would definitely not do (the quad). Instead of that, I’d try to reach the podium. In my junior years, there were times when I stubbornly incorporated the 3A (when it wasn’t ready) and missed the National team, or took on too many challenges and ended up out of the Special enforcement category. Thanks to those experiences, I’ve learned that I must be calm to make the right decision, and I’m strongly convinced that (what I do) is mine to determine in the end.

There was a period when I couldn’t practice quads due to injury, but it wasn’t my time. The season is packed with many consecutive competitions. When I knew that I couldn’t practice quads since I was injured, I left that aside temporarily and immediately diverted my attention to other elements to avoid making mistakes on them.

Corona-hit life

I: When the WC was cancelled, you posted a message on your SNS. What was your feeling at that time?

R: I thought there were a lot of fans who were shocked. For me, I will resume my practice for next season, find what I need to do without feeling depressed, so I wanted to tell my fans that I was looking ahead. I wrote the message thinking that.

I: Nevertheless, as an athlete, did you have any feeling that you wanted to challenge the quad once more, that you want to skate there?

R: There aren’t many opportunities to compete at the WC. I wanted to fight for the 1st place there, and it was the most important competition. Last season, I finished 4th, so I was aiming for a better ranking. However, there is one more WC before the Beijing Olympic, so for now, I’m hopeful it will work out if I can show my best abilities there.

The goal is 2022!

I: How do you think your current experience will be utilized towards your grand goal, the Beijing Olympic in 2 years’ time?

R: During this time, every athlete is living a different life from what they are used to, so I really think the fruits for whomever works the hardest now will bear at the Beijing Olympics. How do I spend time at home now that I don’t skate? I’m doing my whatever I can now to train and try my best to study English. “If I try my best, it will be alright”, I try to move on with this mindset and get through coronavirus. I dream of winning the Beijing Olympics. This will definitely not change, so I want to try my best working towards my dream.

I: There are many students of Kihira-senshu’s age whose competitions were also called off. Can Kihira-senshu send out some words of encouragement?

R: I spend more time at home, but I am also making my best effort while enjoying my time at home. I hope everyone will find something that can only be done now and overcome this situation. I think there are many occasions requiring self-discipline, but (for now) let’s spend positive and fun time to relieve your stress. Then, after the coronavirus has been controlled, I hope you try your best doing what you should do, with positivity, so you can show your strength in the field that you’re active in.

I: Thank you very much!

#rika kihira #translations #interview #translation #Interviews #season: 2020-2021

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recessoyster3 · 4 years

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Sarms Results Lgd, Sarms Results Before And After

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Copper Peptides: Benefits for Skin and Hair Care, and How to Use Them.

Posted: Mon, 26 Oct 2020 07:00:00 GMT [source]

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jiuwuming · 5 years

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Today Is Wingman Day, Ch. 1

Fandom: Red Velvet Pairing: WenJoy Words: 5.4k+ Rating: T Summary: Joy downloads Tinder. Wendy suffers through the trials and tribulations of being Joy's wingwoman for one day—while juggling some complicated feelings. Good thing Yeri's there to help them both in her own way. Links: ao3 | aff

Sooyoung leaned forward across the table. “So, listen…” she said, voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper, a sly smile tugging on her lips. The hairs on Seungwan’s arms stood up. A smile like that from Sooyoung spelled trouble—

“I’m thinking of hooking up with a girl.”

—and bad ideas.

There were few things Seungwan hated more than her sleep cycle getting cut short on a Saturday morning right after midterms.

As a university student smack dab in the middle of her senior year, tackling five whole courses and several extracurriculars that kept her up well into the early a.m.’s, Seungwan cherished every minute of sleep she could get. Admittedly, it was her own fault for being overambitious. But after spending week after week downing espresso shots just to get through morning lectures, substituting a good night’s rest for caffeinated blood coursing through her veins, any weekend where she could finally sleep in was a luxury. A godsent gift. And finally, after getting through the midterm exam week, she could finally get the relaxation she deserved.

The incessant vibrations of her phone against the bedside table, however, said fuck you, Seungwan.

Seungwan groaned, rolling over to her side to reach for her phone. Who the hell was texting her a storm on a weekend morning? A precious weekend morning! She slapped her hands blindly on the table until she found the device, bringing it over to her face so she could read the offending name on the screen.

Park Sooyoung, 7:52 a.m.

She sat up immediately, blinking away the blurriness from her eyes as her vision adjusted to read the words in the slew of texts.

Hey.

Seungwan-unnie.

I need you.

Meet me at Café Eureka.

I have something to tell you.

Important news.

Cold dread crawled down Seungwan’s spine as she scanned the messages. Any traces of her sleep-induced haze scattered like ashes in the wind. It was never a good sign when Sooyoung sent her texts like these—full of urgency yet aggravatingly vague. Was it good news? Bad? Seungwan had never been able to get a straight answer, and she’d long given up trying. Any attempts for elaboration through text were always met with increasingly evasive non-answers, each one more cryptic than the last. Coming from a typically blunt girl like Sooyoung, though, it was always a cause for alarm.

At least, it was cause for alarm, until Seungwan had figured out that Sooyoung just liked to mess with her.

See, historically, ‘important news’ from Sooyoung meant one of two things:

1. either she really did have something important to share—like when she had just broken up with Sungjae and needed to be comforted, or

2. she was just baiting Seungwan with the fear that there was something hypothetically wrong—only to trick her into coming over to her apartment, trapping her into doing something as inane as figuring out which color dress looked better on her.

So yes, lately ‘important news’ was a dice roll. Over time, alarm over Sooyoung’s wellbeing had turned into wariness; wariness, into dread. Dread of a flagrant waste of time. Her best friend was a mystery at times, and Seungwan never knew which Sooyoung she was going to get on any given day. Excitable Sooyoung? Sad Sooyoung? Trickster Sooyoung?

Well, there was only one way to find out.

Seungwan sighed as she uncovered herself from the nest of her warm, plush blankets, resigning herself to another sleepless day and to Sooyoung’s whims—whatever they were.

I’ll be there in a few, she texted back.

For a day that was nearing the tail end of March, the weather outside was still surprisingly wintry: frozen dew clinging onto bladed grass, flowers that were normally in full bloom at this point only just shy of budding. Seungwan shivered as she stepped out of the dormitory, the chill of the cold spring air seeping through her white cardigan and into her skin. Maybe waltzing out in jean shorts wasn’t such a good idea. Out of all the advice she’d taken from Sooyoung, ‘dress for the weather you want’ (which was her go-to excuse for wearing skimpy clothing even in frigid temperatures) was probably the worst.

Not many other students were out and about at this time of day on a weekend. Especially not on a weekend after exams. There was still the occasional ever-so-disciplined jogger looking to knock out their daily run early—Sooyoung was one of them, which was why she was always up so early—but the vast majority of the student populace was probably enjoying their time off. Doing things that Seungwan sorely wished she could also experience: lazing around in bed, drinking a cup of hot chocolate, recovering from a hangover after celebrating the freedom from the brutal crunch of midterm studying.

While Seungwan didn’t regret her impulse decision to minor in music on top of being a biology major, the bone-deep exhaustion after a strenuous school week was… something else. She missed having leisure time. A life outside of school dedicated to hobbies. Having time to spend with friends. Partying.

Dating might’ve been nice, too, Seungwan thought as she passed by a couple holding hands, bundled up in hooded bubble jackets. They were strolling peacefully along the tree-lined paths that led to the city, pausing to take photos together against the sunrise-tinged lake. Stopping to smell the flowers. Poking each other’s cheeks. Laughing. Living in the moment as if they had all the time in the world.

It reminded her of how Sooyoung had been, back when she was with Sungjae. Carefree and happy. But here she was, forever single and without a lick of romantic experience. Oh, how Seungwan wished she were one of the normal students sometimes.

“Unnie, good morning!” called out a voice that sounded entirely too cheery for a Saturday morning. “Wait up!”

Seungwan’s shoulders tensed as she turned to see Yerim running to catch up to her, guitar case slung over her shoulder. Kim Yerim. Resident prankster. Sooyoung’s partner in crime.

There was a wide grin on her face as Yerim fell into step with her. Despite feeling wary toward her and cranky at being woken up early, Seungwan couldn’t help but return the smile. Yerim’s enthusiasm was infectious like that. On good days, it made the semester a little more bearable when they shared their music composition class together; on bad ones, it foreboded a future of trouble because she was a little shit sometimes. Like Sooyoung, Yerim was someone who always knew how to keep her on her toes. A frightening pair, those two. Especially when they put their minds together.

Even so, it was impossible not to have a soft spot for her.

“Yerim—hey!” Seungwan pulled her in, wrapping her arm over her shoulder as they walked side by side. Mostly, she just wanted to steal her body heat. “You’re going to band practice? You have a performance tonight at the new bar, right? What was it called—Tiki Island?”

“Yup!” Yerim nodded, waving her sheet music in front of Seungwan’s face. “Also, we’re finally going to try out that new tune that you helped me with earlier this week and see how it goes. I think Seulgi-unnie is going to love it. Thanks for that, by the way.”

“No problem, kiddo.” Seungwan gave her a pat on the head. “You had great melody—just needed some polishing on the harmonies. You did say you’d pay me back anyway.”

“Of course, unnie. I’m a woman of my word,” Yerim said. With her big round eyes and angelic face, anyone else who didn’t know her as well would’ve been fooled into trusting the innocent smile that graced her lips. But years of being swindled by that very smile had taught Seungwan better.

She raised her eyebrows. “Uh huh. Sure. The most reliable person I know, really.”

“You headed to Café Eureka?” Yerim asked, pointedly ignoring Seungwan’s jibe.

“Yeah, I am. Did you want anything? I could get you something to—wait.” Seungwan narrowed her eyes suspiciously. At second glance, the smile on Yerim’s face had turned more… smug than anything. Like she was privy to a secret that Seungwan wasn’t. “How did you know? Sooyoung told you something, didn’t she?”

“Ah.” Yerim’s shoulders stiffened under her hold. Before Seungwan could react to the obvious tell, she was already ducking out of her arm and booking it. “Gotta jet!” she exclaimed. “I’ll see you around, unnie!”

“Hey!” Seungwan yelled after her, but Yerim was already several meters ahead, breaking out into a full run.

Seungwan threw her hands in the air, shaking her fist at Yerim’s disappearing figure. “Why does nobody tell me anything!”

Seungwan felt right at home as she stepped into Café Eureka, inhaling the aroma of freshly-made syrupy waffles and the woody scent of weathered books that lined the walls of the upper floor, sighing in relief when the cozy indoor heating soaked into her freezing thighs.

Café Eureka, like any other restaurant business at the edge of the city, wasn’t an overly fancy establishment, but it was her and Sooyoung’s favorite library café to frequent. As a hybrid breakfast diner and quiet study place, with both sections split into two floor levels to separate the diners from the students, it was a boon for struggling undergrads who needed a break from schoolwork for a convenient quick fix or vice versa. The food was good; the staff pleasant. Overall, it was perfect aside from the drawback of being a trek from the main campus.

Once senior year had hit, she and Sooyoung had both become super stressed university students, constantly hunched over reading thick textbooks in dusty libraries through late nights, so it was nice just relaxing at a cute lowkey joint once in a while. Not too unruly or greasy like fast food restaurants, not too hoity-toity like those hipster coffee shops with one too many bearded baristas wearing an offensive combination of torn jeans and smartwatches. Café Eureka was nice in that way—just the right balance of homey and classy: comfort foods in the form of all-day breakfast meals, along with the refinement of an academic setting.

Although a bit cheesy, it was rumored that the owners had named it ‘Café Eureka’ to appeal to the student population. A place where epiphanies were made, supposedly, from just spending time there and basking in the atmosphere. Fresh food stimulating bright ideas, bright ideas paving way to brighter futures—that was something of its brand. It was said so often by staff and clientele alike that Seungwan was surprised it wasn’t made into a slogan yet.

She found Sooyoung settled at the booth in the corner of the café—their usual spot that overlooked the park and waterfront outside. The bright ambience really did help with keeping them alert during exam weeks—lots of tall glass windows, with each table partitioned by blue leather seats and tall mahogany posts framed by metal bars. The seating arrangement was a bit reminiscent of a 1950s American diner, just without all the hustle and bustle.

From where Seungwan could see, Sooyoung was busy scrolling through her phone, eyebrows creased together in concentration. An untouched plate of strawberry crepes lay on the table in front of her—the same thing she always ordered whenever they were together. It wasn’t a surprise that she was still in her jogging outfit, but as a non-morning person Seungwan didn’t often get to see her wearing it. She had to whistle at how modelesque Sooyoung managed to make it look, like she’d just walked right out of a high-profile athletic brand photoshoot: fingerless gloves, hair tied into a high ponytail, tight black leggings with mesh panels, a matching sports bra that gave a wide view of the well-defined abs on her stomach. Even as a runner, she wasted no opportunity to show off the magnificent physique of her body.

Seungwan didn’t blame her. The girl was chiseled like a Greek goddess, and she had every right to flaunt it. Especially ever since the breakup from a few months ago, Sooyoung had doubled down on working out to take her mind off of things, to spend time taking care of herself. The result was marvelous, of course: leaner arms, toner thighs. Plumper, healthier gluts. Even Seungwan herself was guilty of staring once in a while—but hey, it was a crime not to admire art, right? Not that she’d ever make an obvious show of it. Sooyoung would never let her live that down, with that ego of hers.

It was a good sign, though, that Sooyoung was out and about instead of moping around, as she was wont to do whenever a wave of bad moods struck her. Like the week when she’d split up with Sungjae, or had gotten a C on her exam. If she’d been feeling alright enough to go out for a jog, that had to mean whatever she had to tell her wasn’t terrible, at least.

“Hey,” Seungwan greeted, slipping into the seat across from Sooyoung.

“Unnie!” Sooyoung lit up, placing her phone down as soon as Seungwan announced her arrival. “You came!”

Seungwan laughed. Sooyoung reminded her of the puppies that she loved to take care of sometimes at the local animal rescue center—the bright eyes, excitable smiles. One and the same. “Yes, I did, you brat,” she said, though it wasn’t with as much bite as she’d wanted. Then again, she couldn’t stay too mad if Sooyoung seemed happy.

“Brat?” Sooyoung echoed, placing a hand to her chest in mock offense. “Excuse me—I’m anything but.”

“I think you demanding my time and attention before eight in the morning on a weekend constitutes as you being a brat.”

Sooyoung placed her hands on her hips and glared, bottom lip jutting out in the way that forecasted whenever she was about to summon her grossest baby-aegyo voice. “Unnie.”

“No,” Seungwan said, looking away.

Protests never stopped Sooyoung, though. In fact, they always seemed to encourage her.

“Why don’t you ever want to spend time with me anymore?” Sooyoung whined, voice rising in pitch with every word. “I just wanted to see you. You’re so mean! Hmph!” She punctuated her harrumph with a shrill squawk, cheeks puffing out.

Seungwan’s mouth twisted into a scowl, cold shivers rolling down her body. She couldn’t even stop the gagging noises that emerged from her throat. Sooyoung broke character at that, cackling as she pointed at the disgust undoubtedly written all over her face.

“Well, you must be in high spirits if you’re out here doing this,” Seungwan scoffed. “I’m guessing that ‘important news’ isn’t a bad thing this time?”

“I’ll get to that later,” Sooyoung wheezed out, still recovering from her laughing fit, wiping tears from her eyes.

“Later?” Seungwan let out an exasperated sigh. Of course. “What—”

Sooyoung clapped her hands together. “First things first, unnie!” she exclaimed, peeking her head outside the booth and snapping her fingers. At her cue, the waiter walked over to their booth, a platter full of food on his hands.

“Rainbow fruit yogurt parfait for Son Seungwan-ssi?” the waiter presented, a teasing lilt to his voice.

It was Jongdae—one of the regular morning employees who usually ended up serving them more often than not. Being regulars at Café Eureka, he was long past just a familiar face in the establishment. He felt more like an older brother at times to the both of them, even going as far to preemptively serve them their usual orders before they could even formally request the food themselves.

He smiled as he placed the plate in front of her: an assortment of cleanly chopped fruit—watermelon, mandarins, pineapple, kiwis, and grapes—placed in neat rows, separated by yogurt and granola within a tall glass cup. Her favorite. She hadn’t bought it in a while, though, since she was on a budget and it was expensive to order on a daily basis.

“I guess you finally have enough money now to splurge, huh?” Jongdae quipped.

“Actually,” Sooyoung interjected. “It’s my treat for her.”

Seungwan blinked, mouth falling into an ‘o’ shape. She looked back at Sooyoung, who was already staring at her with a smug grin, elbow propped on the table as she rested her chin on her palm. Just sitting there, looking like she was so proud of herself.

“Whoa.” Seungwan couldn’t say she wasn’t impressed by Sooyoung’s thoughtfulness. Not that she had expected to come out completely drained after meeting up or anything, but it was nice to know that Sooyoung could still surprise her with small gestures like this.

“Are you bribing her, or something?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh, nothing like that,” Sooyoung denied, though the smirk on her face made Seungwan feel a little unsettled.

Jongdae snickered. “Well, I’ve got to go back to work now. Enjoy, girls!” he said, bowing before he left.

“Thanks, oppa!” Seungwan called after him.

Sooyoung pushed the parfait closer to her, placing a spoon in her hand. “Bone ape tit, unnie.”

“I think the phrase is ‘bon appétit’, but thanks.”

“Am I still a brat?” Sooyoung asked, batting her eyelashes.

Seungwan smiled despite herself. Maybe it was worth going out after all. “Aside from grossly butchering the French language? You’re alright, I guess,” she conceded.

“Bon appétit, then,” Sooyoung said, slicing into the crepe with her fork, slathering a generous helping of cream over it.

It looked good. Seungwan’s mouth watered at the sight of it. “Hey, let me have a bite of that?” she requested, opening her mouth wide.

The fork halted before it reached Sooyoung’s mouth. She shot her an incredulous look. “Unnie, you have one whole parfait in front of you. You’re really going to make me sully my fork with your cooties before I even try my own crepes?”

“Don’t be difficult. You’re the one who pestered me to come see you. Besides, I haven’t tried it in a while.”

“Are you sure you aren’t the brat?” Sooyoung laughed, extending the mouthful of food out to Seungwan. “You should be honored. I don’t spoon feed just anyone, princess.”

Seungwan’s eyes lit up as she bit into it. “Mm! No wonder why you love this so much,” she said, wiping her mouth with a napkin.

“Yep! Well, glad to know it’s fantastic as usual.”

“It is.”

Spooning her own parfait, Seungwan took her first bite, humming contently as the taste of kiwis and creamy Greek yogurt melted on her tongue. Ah, fresh fruit. Definitely hit the spot. Crepes were good, but nothing beat a helping of fresh fruit in a parfait. “It’s delicious. Thank you, Sooyoungie—you seriously ordered this for me?”

“Duh. I wasn’t going to drag you out here from the freezing cold in the morning for nothing.”

“Why did you, then?”

“I’m thinking of hooking up with a girl.”

—and bad ideas.

Seungwan whipped her head up from the parfait, mouth stopping mid-chew. Her eyes widened to saucers. “What.”

“I’m thinking of hooking up with a girl,” Sooyoung repeated, eyes twinkling in the way they always did whenever she took in Seungwan’s distraught expressions. Clearly, she was enjoying herself.

Seungwan set her spoon down slowly, swallowing her last bite before she irrevocably choked on it. She’d been so absorbed in eating that she’d nearly forgotten that Sooyoung had dragged her out for a purpose. Right. The ‘important news’.

Something actually important, or just a bait?

For once, Seungwan wasn’t sure which it was.

She didn’t even know Sooyoung was into girls in that way. She’d been dating Sungjae for the majority of the time Seungwan had known her—a few months into their first year of school—so she could see why there wasn’t much opportunity for Sooyoung to express interest in the fairer sex. Sure, Sooyoung had made a couple of comments about girls here and there that warranted a bit of eyebrow raising, but Seungwan thought that was just how she was. No filters and unapologetically shameless.

Like when she’d half-jokingly considered bombing her organic chemistry exam just so she could get extra tutoring from the hot teacher’s aide, Bae Joohyun. Or when she’d gone slack-jawed watching Seulgi, their mutual friend from Yerim’s band, dance in a well-fitted suit and remarked I can see why they call her ‘oppa’. Or when she’d said girl butts were more fun to look at than man butts—and oh god, Seungwan was an idiot.

Sooyoung liked girls. How could she have missed it?

When she came to from her (extremely belated) revelation, Sooyoung was still staring at her expectantly. Right, she hadn’t even answered her yet.

“Uh,” Seungwan said eloquently, licking her lips to catch a stray granola bit hanging off the edge of her mouth.

“Well? Thoughts?” Sooyoung prompted.

What was even the proper response when your best friend simultaneously came out to you and announced she wanted to hook up with a girl—all in one breath? “Congratulations?” she offered.

“‘Congratulations’ is damn right!” Sooyoung asserted, slamming a palm on the table, plates rattling with the force of the thump. Seungwan winced, gripping her parfait glass to steady it. “It’s been months since I’ve broken up with Sungjae. Can’t a girl treat herself?”

“Treat herself… to a hookup?”

Seungwan could already feel herself growing some white hairs. This was all coming out of left field, honestly—Sooyoung liking girls, Sooyoung wanting flings with girls. For all the years they’d known each other—ever since freshman orientation—Seungwan had never thought Sooyoung as the type do anything scandalous, like hitting the clubs in hopes of engaging in one-night stands. Despite her outwardly flirty nature, she was a romantic at heart. Someone who valued stability. Softness. Not hedonistic passion.

“That’s right,” Sooyoung confirmed cheekily.

“And this is a good idea—how? Why?” Seungwan rubbed her temple. Having a bomb like this dropped on her definitely was not how she envisioned spending her Saturday morning.

Sooyoung picked up her fork, finally digging into her crepe. She popped a strawberry into her mouth, chewing slowly as she looked out the window. Seungwan followed her gaze, and outside she could see the couple she passed from before, still ambling near the lake. She hadn’t noticed earlier, but they were both women. Wow, she really was oblivious sometimes.

“You know, I was always curious about how it’d feel like. Being with a girl. Even before I accepted that about myself.”

The tone of her voice sounded a bit more contemplative now. Like she’d actually been mulling the idea over in her head, instead of tossing it out there just to throw Seungwan off balance. Maybe this was a serious matter after all.

“You never told me,” Seungwan said, hiding the frown that tugged at her lips behind another spoonful of yogurt. The watermelon had turned mushy. Great. “That you like girls, I mean.”

Sooyoung shrugged. “Yeah, I’m bi. I thought it was pretty obvious, unnie. I just didn’t think it was necessary to talk about, with me dating Sungjae and all.”

Bi. Sooyoung was bi. Seungwan felt her ears warming, hearing that out loud. She wasn’t embarrassed—just… caught off guard. Yeah, that was it. It was such a Sooyoung thing to do, confessing an important secret so casually. Flippantly, even.

“You could’ve told me,” Seungwan grumbled, pouting. Did Sooyoung think she was homophobic? She wasn’t! Sooyoung knew that, too. She had to, right? When Yerim came out to them as a lesbian, neither of them had even batted an eyelash, accepting her with open arms. Well, it wasn’t like she was entitled to know everything about Sooyoung, even if they were best friends, but still…

“I could’ve,” Sooyoung agreed, looking back at her, laughing when she saw her face. “Why so grumpy?”

“Did you think I would judge you?” Seungwan blurted out without thinking. She couldn’t even keep the hurt from her voice.

Sooyoung frowned at that, sobering up instantly. “No, that’s not it.”

“Then—”

“Hey,” Sooyoung said softly, reaching over to grasp Seungwan’s hand. “I know what you’re thinking when you have that look on your face—” Seungwan wrinkled her nose. What look? “—but you know I would trust you with my life, right?”

The fact that Sooyoung could read her so easily was a bit terrifying. Her shoulders slumped as she stared into her parfait instead of meeting Sooyoung’s gaze. “Sorry,” she mumbled. “I know it’s none of my business.”

“Like I said, it’s not like that. I just thought it’d be more fun if you found out this way.”

Seungwan rolled her eyes, but she didn’t mind when Sooyoung interlaced their fingers together. Her hand was warm. “More fun for you, maybe,” she huffed.

“Yep!” Sooyoung chirped, leaning forward to poke her cheek. “So don’t be such a baby, okay?”

The way Sooyoung’s finger dug into her dimple tickled, and it made her laugh as she withdrew her hand. Sometimes Seungwan hated that she could be placated so easily. “Well, I guess it was kind of funny,” she admitted, rubbing the back of her neck. “And to be honest, I should’ve expected it.”

“Yeah, well, you heterolinis can be dumb sometimes.”

“Heterolinis?” Seungwan frowned. She was less offended at being called dumb than baffled at Sooyoung calling her a… a heterolini. Where did she even come up with that?

“Yeah. You know—straight people, with their straight lives, always viewing things through their straight lenses.”

Seungwan gaped. She wasn’t that bad, was she? “I’ve never even had a boyfriend. Who knows if I’m straight?” She furrowed her eyebrows, head tilting quizzically at the words that came out of her own mouth. Why was she even arguing? She’d barely even questioned her own sexuality before.

Sooyoung eyed her skeptically. “Girl, the number of times I’ve caught you staring at Cha Eunwoo from the music department, though…”

Heat rose to Seungwan’s face. “And what about it!” she protested, jabbing her spoon into the parfait and taking an angry bite out of it, munching loudly. “He’s beautiful!”

“Yeah, so?” Sooyoung scoffed, crossing her arms. “So am I, but you’re not attracted to me.”

Seungwan’s eyes widened. Whoa. Sooyoung really went there. Abort, abort, abort.

“When did you even figure out that you were bi?” Seungwan asked instead, floundering for a change of topic.

Rather than replying, Sooyoung delicately placed her fork down on her plate, metal clacking against ceramic. She clasped her hands together, looking out the window again. Birds chirped outside. The front door of the café jingled with the arrival of new customers.

When Sooyoung went quiet a few seconds too long for comfort, Seungwan fidgeted in her seat, backpedaling. “Sorry—was that too personal?”

“It’s fine. I was just thinking. I think I always kind of knew—but it probably only hit me a year ago or so?”

“Oh, wow.” Seungwan’s eyebrows shot to her forehead as she took in the new information. A year ago. That had to mean… “You were still dating Sungjae at the time?”

“Yeah.”

“Is that why you two broke up?”

“No,” Sooyoung answered immediately. Her lips pursed into a thin line as she swept her fingers over her hair, pushing them away from her eyes. “Well—not entirely. Yes and no. We had our differences, but I can’t say it didn’t factor into it. He didn’t know, though. I never told him.”

“Ah.”

“Mhm.”

They fell into an uncomfortable silence as they went back to eating, the scrape of utensils the only noise filling the air. Seungwan grimaced. Sooyoung never went into the details of the breakup before, but Seungwan hadn’t expected that to be part of the reason. She really had to be nosy and open up old wounds, didn’t she.

When it was clear Sooyoung wasn’t going to elaborate any further, Seungwan cleared her throat. “Oh, yeah! So, anyway—about girls. You wanted to try hookups?” She cringed as the words left her mouth. Hookups. It sounded so crass.

Sooyoung perked up, a wide grin spreading on her face as though nothing had happened, and Seungwan was thankful it was that simple to dispel the awkward atmosphere between them. “Yeah! I installed Tinder—I was just setting up my profile right before you showed up.”

“Tinder?” Seungwan repeated. “Like, for local randos? Not someone from our school?”

“That’s the point of hookups.” Sooyoung rolled her eyes. “I’m not supposed to see them again.”

Seungwan pressed her lips together as she regarded Sooyoung. Sooyoung, who always cried at the climax of romantic comedy movies. Sooyoung, who once dumped a boy she was seeing simply because her Maltese puppy, Haetnim, didn’t like him. Sooyoung, who—despite having a reputation for being a flirtatious tease—valued the fine art of courtship. Late-night candlelit dinners, picnics under a blanket of stars.

“This isn’t usually like you,” Seungwan pointed out.

“Yeah, maybe I just wanted to try something different. Something uncomplicated, no strings attached.”

“Why not dating, though?”

“Because I’m probably not ready for a relationship right now? And also, I’d really just like to kiss a girl.”

“Oh.” Seungwan flushed at the mental image of Sooyoung doing just that. ��Stupidly sexy Sooyoung, kissing a girl—not for the titillation of men but for herself. “Wow.”

“What is it?” Sooyoung asked. Seungwan didn’t like the look on her face—the annoyingly self-satisfied smirk that suggested she knew exactly what Seungwan was thinking.

“Nothing,” Seungwan said, shaking the idea from her head. “Just getting used to you being bi.”

“Well…” Sooyoung began. She slid out of her seat and into Seungwan’s side of the booth, a devilish sparkle in her eyes. Her voice had turned husky. “I think I have an idea of how to help you.”

Their hips bumped together as Sooyoung pushed her farther inside to make room for the both of them. She pressed in so closely that Seungwan could catch a hint of the fruity floral perfume she always wore. Plums and peonies. Of course she had to smell intoxicatingly nice even after a jog.

Seungwan tensed, fingers gripping onto the hem of her shorts. “Help me… get used to you being bi?” Why did that sound so ominous?

“Yep.”

“How?” Seungwan didn’t know if she liked where this was going.

Sooyoung gave her an impish, lopsided smile as she leaned in, maintaining eye contact with Seungwan the whole way even when the distance between their faces shortened to mere centimeters. Seungwan’s neck craned back as she strained to put space between them, head bumping against the window, and she had to hold her breath so it wouldn’t mingle with Sooyoung’s. Goosebumps rose on the surface of her arms at the heat radiating from the other girl’s body. It felt nice after walking in the cold for so long, but suddenly Seungwan found herself at a crossroads: uncertain if she wanted to pull her closer for warmth or push her away for her own sanity.

Finally, after what seemed like several excruciating seconds, Sooyoung spoke.

“I…” Sooyoung licked her lips, moving in almost impossibly close—so much so that their noses almost touched, and it took all of Seungwan’s willpower not to scream. “…am going to have you—”

She jabbed a finger onto Seungwan’s chest. Oh, hell.

“—help me pick out a date!” she declared cheerfully.

Before Seungwan could even process what was happening, Sooyoung had already pulled away, slapping a couple of 10,000 won notes on the table to foot the bill, laughing and slipping out the booth with a jolly spring to her step.

Seungwan exhaled shakily once she actually had room to breathe again, feeling a cold draft of air in the absence of Sooyoung’s presence. “Huh?”

What?

“Come on, Seungwan-unnie! Let’s go back to my apartment. I want to shower already, and we can talk more about it there!”

Rooted in place, Seungwan stared after Sooyoung as she made her way to the front of the café, unable to shake how fast her heart was pounding.

What!!!

Once her brain kicked back into gear, Seungwan rushed to scarf down one final spoonful out of her parfait before chasing after Sooyoung—curse her and her long legs. She noshed on the granola, savoring every munch and crunch as though it could smother the budding realization that threatened to slip out from the tip of her tongue.

She chanced a look back at her wristwatch. It was only 9:17 a.m.

It was going to be a long, long day.

#red velvet #wenjoy #ninepointfive writes

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streamacademe · 5 years

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Week 131, Day 910.

I am writing this post a day early; I normally have Sundays off, but nothing is normal anymore. I am taking Monday off instead; my other half is also off and we are using the day to escape the confines of our home in the Peak District. I am also supposed to have a hospital appointment tomorrow, but I suspect it will be cancelled... sigh. It has been a crazy week, which I imagine is the case for everyone. On Monday and Tuesday I was still in the office. Wednesday was the last day I was able to go to the gym. On Thursday, I had my wisdom tooth removed, immediately after which I picked up my essential items from the office to be able to work from home. Our University shut on Friday and I have since been at home recovering from the surgery. 🦷

Photo: My working from home set-up. Source: Phone camera.

I am not the kind of person who enjoys working from home. I struggle to focus, feel lonely and unmotivated, and begin to suffer from cabin fever. I am sure I am not the only one. 🏡 The reality of the situation is that we have no idea how long these restrictions are going to be in place, so the best that we can do is accept them and adapt. I listened to a webinar on ‘working from home without going crazy’, here are some tips I found useful:

Dress for work - As comfortable as pyjamas are, they kill productivity. Dressing appropriately will not only help get you into the right mindset for work, but will also mean that you are ready to handle any video calls. 👗

Replace your commute - Working from home means giving up your commute, which can have both positive and negative effects. For me, commuting allows me to get some proper exercise (I cycle) and clear my head. Without the commute I feel sluggish and overwhelmed. Therefore, I have started either going for a walk/run or doing a home workout before sitting down at my desk. 🌳 Establish a routine - And stick to it. It is super difficult to both stay motivated and to know when to stop working when you’re at home. Setting strict working hours will help make this more manageable. ⌚

Self-discipline - This can be very tough and is unique to each person in how it is achieved. However, it is an essential skill to have in order to be able to work from home, especially for PhD students. So figure out what works for you, be it reward incentives or daily to-do lists, and be strict with yourself. 📝

Avoid distractions - For most people, getting distracted is so much easier at home because they are not accountable to anyone apart from themselves. Some find it to be the opposite, I am not one of those people. If, like me, you are easily distracted, stay off your phone, social media, TV, Netflix, whatever it is that pulls you away from your work. 📵

Separate your work and home life - I appreciate this is not always possible, but try to not work in the same space you eat, relax, or sleep. Once you finished your working day, shut the door to your office. 🏠

Get comfortable office furniture - Once again, I appreciate that this is not always feasible, but try to make your working space as comfortable and functional as possible. 🪑 Use this opportunity to your advantage - Staying at home means having more time for those things you keep putting off e.g. sorting the garden, reading that book, meditating, baking, etc. Utilise this time the best you can! ✨

Good luck!

Photo: Our cat clearly not coping with having us home all the time. Source: Phone camera.

Over the last few weeks, I have learned quite a lot of useful information for researchers on things like CV/cover letter writing, viva prep, using different statistical tools, thesis writing, etc. Sharing everything in one post would be too much for everyone involved, therefore, I will be writing several bonus posts covering these different topics across the next few weeks. :) Before I go, here are a few podcasts from The Minimalists on the coronavirus pandemic, which I have found to be very insightful and uplifting, I hope you do so too:

1. Pandemic Preparation 2. Coronavirus 3. How to Live Through This

Thank you to 650+ of you for following my journey! Keep your spirits up, stay kind, and look after one another! 👻

Photo: When some self-absorbed muppet has bought all the bread, bake your own - and present it to your cat as a peace offering. Source: Phone camera.

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lazilymagnificentcollection · 4 years

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Trying to be good student in the wake of a pandemic

[7:24 AM, 8/26/2020]

I’m not actually sure how long I have been kind of slack on this account for, maybe the last month or so? idk. but basically, I’ve been trying to pretend I’m doing better but in reality - I’m far from it.

I woke up at 5 this morning, offered morning prayer, took a walk, had tea, did few other essentials, then sat to introspect my actions in past few days (so get ready for some self-projection).

Idk man, unlike others, even if I manage to wake-up early it doesn't do me any good. Like why? However, I decide to come back to my normal life. I rely so heavily on routine and rigid self-discipline, so I went a week doing NONE of that. Just being a lazy slob and glutton with no direction. Sleeping late, eating anything and everything, spending lot of time on cellphone- screen, not engaging in any spiritual practice. Putting zero effort into life and that’s when I realized how fuckin screwed, life had become. Thursday was the only thing giving me an anchor to base my perception of time on. It was either Thursday, or not Thursday. Now I have no anchor. Time will cease to exist. What day is it. I didn't know five minutes ago and I will not know tomorrow and I will not know on Thursday. Life, however, will seem falling apart no matter how much I try to organize it. I know it. I just want to tell you I'm trying, but maybe I'm not. I'm sinking deeper and deeper into this sadness and this self-destruction and it's so easy to just let it happen.

Sometimes it makes me sick, the way sadness is addicting. The way I can't stop it. Sadness is familiar. It’s comfortable but everything else about it is hard. The way my body aches with self-hatred. The way my mind spins and spins with hopeless thoughts. The way it poisons everything I do, every relationship I have. Yet it's addicting, because I know sadness, and I know sadness very well. And there's a sort of comfort in that, like being home after a trip or sleeping in your own bed after a while. There’s just a sense that this is where I belong. This is how it's supposed to be. Happiness is so fragile, I'm not sure I want it anymore. Sadness is familiar, reliable, constant. It's always there to fall back on and it's the only state of mind that feels real to me. I'm not sure I care about being happier anymore. Happiness is a dream that's never going to happen for me. Sadness is reality and at least I can rely on that while becoming a brand-new person every day to fit in different circumstances until you have no idea who you are underneath all the layers.

The stress of everything in my life coming together and falling apart at the same time has got me choked up hard right now and I know this another day is approaching so quick and it feels like everything is approaching so quick and it's just a huge weight that I need to learn to stay light on my feet with.

The stress is excessive today. I'm just stuck in this endless cycle of hating myself, thinking I'm maybe worth something, then realizing I'm not, realizing I'm stupid for even thinking otherwise, then hating myself again. It's exhausting and I'm trying but I just end up disappointed every time. Years ago, I really had hope that things would get better... what a fool!

Well, I was going to talk about studies and I find myself totally deflected from the point, lol. That’s basically how a person with adhd acts like, tries to study, gets distracted by a household task, unable to read a book without doing something then coming back to it, halfway through decides to watch something on Netflix, Pauses it after a few minutes to start searching for a random question struck to mind, ends up with a random You tube video on the feed, then sudden realization that there's an exam and I'm supposed to study for it, Panics, then again meanwhile studying, Hey look a new movie trailer, Oh, why not let’s make some tea, wonders what others are doing. Let's go and find out. oh! It's evening now. shit.

It’s so tiring to distract myself from my own mind. You all ever just feel like a fucking failure in comparison to your peers like fuck am I really that terrible and behind or is mental illness fucking me up like wtf why can't i just be content with where I am?? Why can't I acknowledge my accomplishments?? For fucks sake, I'm talented and I do all that with mental illness but it's never fucking enough for me.

Oh yeah, So, what does a good student do in an environment where there is no peace of mind? Also when you live in a dysfunctional family. And there is nowhere you can go. The people you are living with may not understand you have to log into class at the same time every day, or they may not understand the work expectations for your online classes.

The focus is lost and so is the enthusiasm. Your life seems falling apart. You have no wish to continue and give up on everything. There is no motivation from anyone.

#home studying #life #spilled thoughts

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stevecoleridge-posts · 5 years

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Day 6 ..Friday Struggling .. which is why i did nt see the news or spend time on Social Media yesterday.. I thought it would be a breeze and after a little concentration id have it down .. but no , even the first part…known as lumpedy lump was proving tough , because of the triplet walk up from the V to the 1.. and i think thats the part Jimmy Reed himself is playing… If you ve read previous episodes you will know i refer to Honest I Do….the song. Im learning it on a You Tube lesson , now a lot of people who think of themselves as pros , seem to think there s some sort of stigma ro learning stuff on You Tube, but i know a French guy , of Spanish descent , who is a really hot Flamenco guitarist who has mastered nearly all the Palos , and all on You Tube They are right, if you dedicate yourself to different songs at the same time, but it s like working form home…you need time and discipline ..and take the lessons very slowly and don’t move on till you can play it 20 times with your eyes shut..preferably standing up .. then move on up. Yesterday was the first time i managed to do this. There is a different tone on Social media today .. angrier , more prone to blame others, more censorious…and on one group forum i saw they were going to ban Humour..well , i don’t personally know the Group leader.. but it does nt take much imagination to know she s not someone you d want to be quarantined with. The only thing to fear is fear itself.. well i certainly don’t think that applies in this situation, quite the reverse, the more frightened we are the less we will venture forth on errands that are not strictly necessary..i was on my way out the door , literally, when my mobile rang…it was the charming woman from the bank.. she d got my message .. id gone way over my limit.. which was why i could nt withdraw funds…She , and i won’t name her, is working from Home and sorted it all out on her laptop..no need for me to go to town.. Is nt that great?..well , I thought it was..and a good thing too,as she has not been provided with any masks..and we are talking about a Bank..if they cant get basic stuff like that no wonder the Government are nt testing people .. they don’t have the wherewithal…it is nt as though this has nt been on the News everyday since December the something. .I remember listening to Radio Four as i was driving through Slough, in December,… don’t ask … the M4 was closed..and i was listening to a woman in Wuhan describing how her parents were dying in the Street.. that really got my attention. It did nt seem to get the attention of the people in charge here however, as when the inevitable arrived nearly three months later , they had done nothing to prepare for it. The Spanish Disease is politics, it creeps into every corner of life and spreads its poison , a bit like you know what,..and in the past when people got fed up with their venal politicians there was a Military Coup , and then they realised maybe life was better before with democracy … and the cycle starts again. This model has been exported successfully to Latin America.. with the possible exception of Mexico. and Costa Rica Its all very well for us stodgy Northerners with our bad weather , to criticise, but Sun affects people,and when things are good they seem so much better in the Sunshine..but something about Sunny weather produces Volatility, and an @ i won’t fix the roof as its not raining @ World View… and Italys colossal death rate is the price to be paid .. not that it is nt sunny in China..or South Korea..but they do a lot more than just fix the roof..and to put it down to Confucianism .. well maybe best not to start on that. Australia will be interesting, they have lots of sun , but its a pretty organised place ..and i don’t see them making this sort of Balls up.. also they have the experience of natural disasters,,and pulling together, and will not let Politics interfere…any country that had leaders with names like Abbott and Costello doesn’t waste too energy on petty politics. The Current Classic example of petty minded, spiteful, pointless, negative ,oppurtunism , is the attempt on social media and what sup groups to denigrate the Royal Family organising people to rattle saucepans at a given time, because apparently the current King s father had a rather large amount of money in a Swiss Account..well, it was Saudi Money , not money stolen from the Spanish taxpayer, unlike the billions stolen by the previous administration , the PP .The idea for this stupidity was inspired by the Custom of applauding the Medical profession every night at eight o clock.. an excellent morale boosting , bringing everyone together kind of gesture..well everything has its opposite and this is an excellent way to breed more discontent and fracture an all ready pretty fractured society.. it beggars belief and you really have to have lived here to see these Barca Madrid idiocies at first hand. Barca Madrid is a term used to describe the divide and conquer ,us and them , attitudes that have stopped Spains progress since the collapse of their Empire, culminating in the most vicious Civil War in recent European History, and one would have hoped that after 40 plus years of Democracy it would have disappeared , but sadly, like in the USA and a lot of other democracies , it seems to be on the increase.The anger on Social Media which results from the claustrophobic frustration of a lockdown will hopefully not boil over into something with unpleasant political consequences, which would be very sad , as after Francos death and the adoption of constitution that is the envy of many countries, Spain was a beacon of hope in the last quarter of the 20 th century… how the mighty are fallen .. one hopes not.. SPANISH LOCKDOWN DAY 7 Slept really well , but then I remember reading that people on Death row sleep 16 hours a day so possibly not a good sign. Last Night i watched the Spanish news ,on the main channel and things are looking up , relatively speaking, in the sense that testing has arrived ..someone, or some country, has sent several thousand, or may be half a million test kits.. which is obviously excellent news , and testing in Galicia is going full steam ahead. There was the obligatory item about a vaccine..which I think one can take with a pinch of salt. .Military erecting field hospitals next to various main hospitals…the eight o clock applause of medical staff…all in all well put together not too desperately pessimistic, and generally not as disheartening as Facebook.. afterwards i felt like some light relief so we watched eleven episodes of 2 and half men, in Spanish ,to cheer ourselves up before going to bed. .. Today i decided to live a normal day .. if such a thing were possible , so , after taking Tina for a walk i got the Old TV and DVD working and put on Marty Schwarz s Intermediate Blues Guitar Course part one…and it started raining .. so that was encouraging as it took away any temptation to venture outside.. except for firewood that is. I worked through the course without rushing , but also without too much pausing , as i d done those lessons before, and all that repetition of Honest I do is paying off.. On going outside for firewood i could not ignore the noise of the generator that kicked in yesterday evening, as we ve had not Sun for several days, so i decided to fill it up with diesel, and see how much 15 hours constant running had used,only half the 20 litre can to fill up the tank…but was it full to begin with?..anyway it s very rare to have 4 days without sun , so even if it did use 13 euros of diesel Im not going to freak out as that was expensive diesel.. and I’m entitled to use the cheaper stuff .Of cause i spilled Diesel over my hands , and shoes , and when i spent a good 5 minutes trying to wash the smell out i realised this was the ultimate anti virus test.. so i will leave a bowl of Diesel outside every time i go to town and use that as first part of the disinfection process , yet another excuse not to go to town. My neighbour M. rang and suggested i look at his scheme on Facebook to institute Food Deliveries , so one does nt have to go to the Supermarket in person and infect and be infected… a good idea of course , but like so many , i don’t see it happening…I pointed out several objections , lack of drivers, expense, one would need a sort of Uber program which will probably not be ready for a year .. etc..and the Supermarkets are making so much money i doubt they need this sort of input.I promised to look at it later , which I will , as Lunch was ready. We ve run out of Bread ,Oranges and Chocolate, Aurora has broken a nail and the nail bars are closed till further notice…but otherwise we can probably get through till Monday without suffering too much ..on the other hand Monday is probably the worst day to go shopping..Im toying with the idea of going to the small Supermarket, at 8 am Sunday morning, and hopefully having it to myself , as i cant face the idea of a queue. I know English people are supposed to love queueing but i must be an exception, and queuing nowadays is a High Risk Activity. The Sun is out and i did one of the jobs from a month old to do list… pumping the water out the flooded pump room , it all went very well , and i felt very worthy , and now , with the Sunshine it s time for a walk , with Tina , of course. I return , feeling optimistic .. and the phone rings, i assume it s my neighbour asking if I’ve read his article.it isn’t , it s C another near neighbour, with some very bad news . The police are in Quarantine…and the Army will soon be here. No Tobacco..as they will close the Tobacconist. A completely different ball game I rang M, and gave him the news…I f he d had a kalashnikov he d have been checking the magazine I rang another neighbour F, whose office is next to the Police Station , to warn him. .When the Rumour , comes to your Town , It Grows and Grows, Where it Started No-one Knows…*Robbie Robertson I rang my source in the Town Hall G…no , it s only one cop , and he has nt got the results yet.. I rang M again…he had spoken to his friend who is a Guardia Civil .no , it was nt a Cop it was a Guardia Civil..he also told me the Cuban woman who cleans houses had been stopped, by the Police and they checked the receipt for her shopping I rang the first neighbour and corrected the original story I opened Facebook .. and there was the original story , which had started a firestorm of comments along the likes of whats your source? etc as though we were in the Watergate hearings, not only that, the people reading the story imagined it referred to Mojacar , not Carboneras , and were all frantically ringing the Police Staion , The Town Hall and each other to see if it were true. The tones of the respective comments went from shrill outrage that anyone should suggest such a story without due documentation , to fear , to I knew this would happen, all these irresponsible idiots .. blah blah It began to increasingly resemble an episode of Dads Army with a false alarm about a German Landing.., which Facebook does anyway There is the Captain Mainwaring..@While i was out today making sure everyone was behaving themselves i saw these irresponsible panic shoppers, and these people walking around without a good reason @ The Fraser .. We Re Doomed The Air raid Warden…Its all the fault of the Ruling Class, and rules are rules etc Jones ..Dont Panic... in a tone of complete hysteria Pikes mother…Be sure to wear your gloves , motorcycle helmet , hazchem suit, mask..galoshes, .Do you have your hand sanitiser , all clothes must be burnt on reentry etc By this time Auroras original alarm had been replaced by hilarity, as she was sitting by the fire hearing one side of these conversations.. I went out for some more wood and we relaxed by watching a Documentary about the Boeing 737 MAX..complete with simulation in the Pilots cockpit The best part was the CEO of Boeing trying to justify his 30 million Dollar salary at a Congressional hearing..…i wondered what the Shareholders thought about that , i know what the victims families thought , as they were being interviewed and did nt sound too impressed

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a-woman-apart · 5 years

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It Never Goes Away

Crisis text line (U.S.): 741 741

I’ve had to fight really hard to push my way back up to “sane.” I dealt with psychosis, severe mania, debilitating depression and yearly hospitalizations before I finally decided to become medicine compliant. It took me 4 years before I began to fully comply with my treatment plan. I began attending groups under the guidance of a case worker. I began seeing my psychiatrist regularly so that I could make sure that I was on the proper medication. With my case worker’s help, I moved out of my parents’ home. I had to challenge myself to embrace the rules and structure provided by the group home manager.

Managing my mental illness, integrating into society, and becoming more independent were not choices that were easy. It wasn’t easy to work and go to school, to keep track of appointments and to try to manage a social life at the same time. These things are not easy for anyone in today’s climate, but they were compounded for me because of my mental illness. There was one year of community college when I slipped almost totally into dysthymia (low grade, chronic depression) and ended up bouncing from antidepressant to antidepressant in an attempt to cure it. These were ineffective; I am now antidepressant free and handling negative emotions better than before.

As I have said so many times before, there are people who do not understand my rigidity, adherence to structure, and perfectionism. Next to medicine compliance and proper sleeping habits, routine is a part of the essential trio of things that are crucial for me to maintain my mental health. Taking my medicine at roughly the same time every day helps me to enforce regular sleep and waking times. Going to work isn’t just important for my being able to pay for a car, utilities, and an apartment, but it gives me something to do so that I do not absolutely lose my mind. Scheduling study and leisure times and planning out events well in advance help to reduce my anxiety.

There are times, though, when being overly regimented can lead to lack of stimulation, boredom, and monotony. We all need a little spontaneity in our lives, at least a slight variation in routine, and the ability to tolerate change. Two recent changes in my life have forced me to embrace more flexibility in my life: working from home and starting a new relationship.

I work for a small company owned by a close friend of mine, and I need to check in with her every day before I clock in, because my schedule is variable. I am disciplined and self-motivated, but at first, I was very nervous because I am used to explicit direction on what to do, and instead I got a very loose managerial style and a higher degree of freedom to make my own decisions. My friend and I had a pre-established level of trust and so I think that went a long way.

As for my boyfriend, he and I have a lot in common, but we also have completely different operating procedures in some cases. He can go to the store without a list and then shop based on whatever meal he has in his head to craft and the store sales. On the flip side, I go with a pre-written list that is ordered based on where everything is in the store so that I can traverse it without any deviation or backtracking. He used to stay up all night and sleep half the day, and I had a strict midnight-to-morning sleep cycle (all-nighters put me at risk for mania). He deals with chronic understimulation and I get overstimulated extremely easily. Overall, everything is much looser and undefined for him; he’ll do things spontaneously, whereas I’ve declined invitations to go out with people strictly on the basis of the invitation being short notice.

Changing jobs and starting new relationships can be extremely stressful, but they can also be exciting and inspiring. Every week I now have something new to look forward to, and even after the feelings of novelty have worn off, I will still be forever grateful for making these changes. There is a lot of instability in our world, and I have discovered that having a sense of purpose and strong interpersonal relationships are key towards surviving in these changing times.

I am learning a lot. As I alluded to earlier, anxiety has hampered me in that I need time to “psych up” before big social events, public speaking, concerts, or conventions. It is no secret that my anxiety has been rearing its ugly head more than it ever has before lately, but I am learning to deal with it one day at a time. Having undiagnosed, largely untreated GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) in addition to a mood disorder is frequently hellacious. I have had a lot of close calls, but I have not given up hope.

I had been told by various doctors that there is no real cure for what I’ve got, and now I am starting to indeed believe that “It never goes away.” It can only be treated and managed. Proper management of illness—especially medicine compliance—can be the difference between life and death for those of us with these disorders. Even for those of us with severe symptoms, there are periods of euthymia—or “normal, tranquil mood”—that exist between our episodes. Feeling stable for a while does not mean that the illness is gone, but it can give people a false belief that they are cured. The discouragement that comes when the illness “returns” can be so devastating for some people that it drives them to self-destructive behavior.

The bottom line though, is that things change. Things can get better. It takes an amazing amount of work, and you may need a lot of help to make those first steps, but if you do, it can make all the difference. Don’t give up. I know the holidays are hard. To make matter worst, the current politic, environmental and socioeconomic conditions of our country are completely whack, but we have the opportunity to make meaningful change. The personal progress that we make as individuals has a ripple effect on the greater society around us. Even if we are unsuccessful in our efforts, it is certainly worth trying.

In fact, the idea that any of us—mentally ill or not—will arrive at some hypothetical form of perfection where improvement is no longer necessary is a fundamentally flawed concept. If we stop growing, we start dying. We must continue expanding mentally and emotionally in order to stay alive. Stagnation breeds decay. Life is less about the destination and more about the journey.

I know no one really reads these. These notes are as much for me as much as anyone else. I know that I am probably going to go through some objectively horrendous times sooner or later, and I am going to need to be reminded that I have a chronic mental illness, that while not curable, is subject to improving with treatment. I am going to need to be reminded that despite what the static noise in my head says, there are a lot of people who love me and still want me around. There are people who still want the best for me even when I cannot want it for myself.

It never goes away, but it doesn’t have to. I’m determined to fight.

#it never goes away #living with mental illness #living with depression #living with anxiety #schizoaffective disorder #GAD #generalized anxiety disorder #undiagnosed illness #the struggle #holiday blues #bipolar disorder #coping skills #hope #existential crisis #comorbidity #being flexible #spontaneity

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cubot · 6 years

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*wastes day away DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING OF VALUE even noticing that I’m doing nothing, yet not changing it*

*sudden anguished sigh fills the air at 12:16 am*

I want to die!

I watched a sweet video about Japan earlier and I was like O O OH! I want to go back! But I cannot stand myself when I attempt to speak a lick of it. I want nothing to do with it because I am a sham, an embarrassment, a terrible leech on society.

Tomorrow is the start of the rest of my life. But my life will continue to be Josie and Josie ain’t that good, guys. Not at all. She doesn’t even have the strength to change a little bit.

At work on Monday, I was literally panicking. The three day weekend made me forget how to function and I wasn’t fast enough, not at all. Not good enough. I’m scared to go back tomorrow. And I don’t want to go back tomorrow anyways because I don’t like it.

I won’t like any work and I can’t work by myself because I have no self-discipline.

Human beings are complex, wildly varied everywhere. The internet allow us to see groups of different types of people. Nice people, bad people, people who like building miniatures, people who like building big, cooks, crooks, politicians, pursuers of social justice, killers, dog walkers, friends, enemies, artists, scientists, everyone in between, and everyone that is nothing.

People change constantly and stay the same and are innately so fucking human, so sapient, so real, so themselves, so part of the crowd. It’s strange and familiar.

Josie is human, but she isn’t one of those people you look forward to? On here I complain a lot. Most of my posts are me complaining! You have an image of me that way. People in real life have another. I somehow exude a welcoming aura, but I’m.... really a bitch?

In any case, this is the..... daily, weekly, monthly mental “breakdown” of who I am and how I’ll never be happy. Can’t wait to return to dust.

My mom says we have to work and we should like working, yadda yadda, whenever I complain. And I don’t have anything to respond. I’m just a lazy sack of shit. Nothing special, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay. I’m white noise, the filler. And I’m very unhappy, but also indifferent about this all. I guess? Maybe. I’m just tired????

I want to sleep. But I don’t want to go to sleep because then tomorrow comes and the cycle continues. I will produce nothing but waste. I will not even be better to myself emotionally.

We speak on here how production in a capitalistic society is how society measures our worth, but we are more than production. And I know that. I will fight people about it. So I understand that I won’t ever contribute enough because of who I am.

I also am for taxes for a universal living standard society thing while people argue and I just have to say that is my type of production.

That doesn’t make sense? I don’t care really to think of better words.

Anyways, the point being, I’m fine enough to my low production self. But since I use my time to DO NOTHING AT ALL, not even things for my own entertainment for the most part, just things to pass time in increments so I’m not left to my own devices. To my own brain like now.

I’m noticing an increase in wrinkles imprinting on my forehead longer. It is age. It is time. Doesn’t mean I don’t get self-conscious and try to stop expressing my worry/surprise/confusion/whatever ever.

I think my psychiatrist was looking at me funny when I last pointed out about my continued indecision and memory and what fuck ever. I think I may have ADHD BUT I SELFDX ALL THE TIME BECAUSE I’M STUPID UGLY ASSHOLE MCGEE. But if she looked at me like that maybe she does, too. But where does that get me?

NOWHERE??????

I can’t help myself past, present, future.

I’m cycling forever, and I don’t even ride my bike. I have it, why don’t I use it? I’M BAD BAD BAD BAD BADBADBADBADBADBAD

I break out because I DON’T CLEAN MY FACE PROPERLY AND I PICK PICK PICK AT IMPERFECTIONS AND MY SKIN QUALITY IS GOING.

I’m just human it’s normal.

I don’t want to go to work tomorrow.

I took my pills awhile ago. They’ll hit soon and I’ll get sleepy and I’ll sleep and wake up and suck it up and go to work and go home and go to work and go home and go to work and go home and waste time and see my dad for obligatory father’s day and waste money and go to work and go home and go to work and go home and go to work and go home and go to work and go home and waste money and go to work and go home and go to work and go home and go to work and go home and waste time and go to work and go home and go to work and go home and go to work and go home and go to a party and go to work and go home and go to work and go home..........................

forever. until the sweet release of death, huh

I make money, I waste money, I waste money, I make money. I repeat without any change. I stay the same, I stay unhappy, and I continue on my way.

I’m tired now. My eyes are getting heavy so it’s kicking in. It makes me want to cry. I don’t want to go to bed.

But then again I don’t want to stay here.

Good night.

#ramblings #a mess a long mess a long topic changing mess #good night sweet dreams yadda yadda whatever

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purplesurveys · 4 years

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1121

survey by lets-make-surveys

1 - When was the last time you spent over $100 in one transaction? What did you buy? I had to buy a ton of groceries throughout last week for an upcoming execution we’re doing for a client. Each of my receipts went higher than P5,000 ($100) every time I checked out.

2 - Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? Would you judge a grown adult for doing so? No, never did. Hugging an ordinary pillow was always more comfortable to me. And no, I wouldn’t judge someone on their preferred sleeping habits?

3 - Would you describe yourself as fashion-conscious, or do you just wear whatever feels comfortable? I’d say I keep up with the trends, but I don’t always go out of my way to buy whatever’s in style at the moment. Like I’ve said on a previous survey, I haven’t even bought any new article of clothing in like a year now. I just don’t think it’s worth it?? especially since I’ve seen such a few people since the lockdown started last year, and since I mostly stay at home. It’s enough for me to just be aware of what’s currently in style.

Comfort matters to me too though, and I wouldn’t wear anything that I find too itchy or bares my skin too much or anything I’d feel unsure being in.

4 - The last time you got up from where you’re sitting, where did you go and what did you do? I headed to the other end of the living room because I wanted to ask Cooper to give me some kisses.

5 - Would you rather read an erotic novel or watch an erotic film? Probably a novel. I’ve read too much fanfiction smut as a teenager that a novel would for sure be a breeze to me lol. I think there’s also a lot more freedom in writing that you can’t always express through actors playing a role in front of a camera and who aren’t actually being sensual.

6 - Who taught you how to tell the time on a proper analogue clock? I have no clue. I think I just taught myself, mostly. And we were probably taught this in like Grade 1 as well.

7 - What’s your favourite way to make your home smell good? Do you spend a lot of money on making this happen? Hahah my mom will actually sometimes steal some of the signature fragrance from the hotel she works at, so our living room occasionally smells like a 5-star hotel. We also use a disinfectant spray that smells nice and not too bleach-y or chemical-y. As for my end, I also want to start buying scented candles not only for my work/rest area to smell pleasing, but so that I can feel like I’m spoiling myself too.

8 - How long have you had the computer/tablet you’re currently using? Does it need replacing or upgrading? I’ve had my laptop since 2017. I don’t abuse it at all or use programs that would exhaust the battery too much, so it’s still doing quite well even though the cycle count is already slightly above the normal recommended count. Obviously it would be nice to upgrade to a newer Mac model, but I’m not in a hurry to get that done.

9 - When you’re home alone, do you make sure all your doors are kept locked? If I plan on staying upstairs then yeah, I make sure the doors on the first floor are locked because I’d never be aware if anyone decides to break in. If I’m just staying in the living room I’m substantially more relaxed about the doors.

10 - How often do you light candles? Do you just like regular ones or do you prefer scented ones or ones that make pretty patterns when they melt? I haven’t started, but I would love to soon. I’ve already began following a bunch of local scented candle stores so it’s all a matter of picking a store and a scent to start with.

11 - Are you any good at taking care of plants? Not at all. I could never seem to get the hang of them.

12 - How many surveys have you taken so far today? Will you take anymore surveys today once you’ve finished this one? I took one last night but was only able to finish it this morning, so I guess it counts as one for today. I’ve been a bit slow with my survey-taking because I’ve been feeling a lot more tired these days, but I do miss doing it so I hope to be able to squeeze in a couple more today.

13 - What are the main two colours in the room you’re currently in? Did you pick these colours out yourself? White, because of the walls; and black, because my mom likes black accents. And no, my mom definitely wouldn’t have given anyone that much freedom so as to be able to dictate what colors would dominate the living room.

14 - What was the last hot drink you consumed? What about cold drink? My last hot beverage was the San Gines I had in La Creperie in Tagaytay. Last cold drink was the iced coffee I made myself this morning.

15 - Do you have piercings anywhere except your ears? How many and what are they? Nope, my only piercings are precisely the ones on my ears.

16 - Do you prefer taking baths or showers? How come? Showers. I don’t like taking a while when I bathe myself, so bathtubs don’t work well for me to begin with. Even when we stay at a hotel that has a bathtub, I usually opt for the shower so I can finish more quickly.

17 - What time do you need to wake up tomorrow morning? What is it that you have to be up for? It’s still a weekday so I have work, and I’ll have to be up by my usual call time of 8 AM.

18 - If you work, how often do you get paid? Would you prefer to get paid more or less often? Every two weeks, so twice a month. I feel like it’s a decent frequency. It trains me to discipline myself for the next two weeks and not carelessly spend money simply every time I receive my pay.

19 - What does your favourite pair of pyjamas look like? Do you wear them to sleep or just to be comfy around the house? I don’t have pajamas because it’s impossible to wear them where I live, unless your household can afford to have air conditioning turned on 24/7. I stick with my combo of either a thin t-shirt/tank top and shorts.

20 - How often do you wake up in the night needing a pee? Never. Even if I do feel the need to pee, I’ll wait it out until the following morning because I hate getting up from bed half-asleep.

21 - What apps do you use the most on your phone? Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, and most recently, Viu. I also have the app versions of both of my banks because I have a habit of checking how much I have on my accounts.

22 - Do you prefer cats or dogs? Do you own any of either? Dogs. Yup, I have two of them. I don’t dislike cats, but I preferably wouldn’t have one as a pet. I’ve never met a cat that didn’t hiss at me when I would try to come near.

23 - Do you have one of those fridges that has an ice-maker in the front? If not, would you find one useful? No, we have a manual ice tray in the freezer instead. We get by with it just fine, so an ice-maker would just be a luxury for the most part.

24 - Do you like wearing hats? What’s your favourite style? They’re not really a part of my everyday style.

25 - If you live in a household with pets, who is responsible for their care - both in terms of finance and the physical tasks involved? Depending on whoever spots the pee or poop first, my siblings and I are the ones mostly in charge of cleaning up after them. My parents handle their food and feeding them; and, most recently, I’ve been the one in charge of paying vet bills since I can afford to now.

26 - What’s your opinion on leggings as pants? I wouldn’t wear them specifically if I wanted to dress nicely; but I would honestly go for it still if I’m in the mood to dress more comfortably.

27 - Have you ever driven in bare feet or do you think that’s too dangerous? Oh my god yeah I have, once. There was one instance I was running super late for an interview for a journ assignment and I literally had to change my outfit while driving because I had no time to do it. I timed the whole thing and did my changing while I was at stoplights, but at one point it turned green while I was still barefoot so I had to drive with my bare feet for a while until I reached the next stoplight. The entire fucking thing was dangerous and I feel so stupid retelling this story now lmao.

28 - Have you ever walked out of a job before? What were the circumstances and did you ever go back? Nope, never felt the need to do this.

29 - Do you collect anything? Are these things worth money or are they practical/sentimental items? No, I don’t.

30 - Do you have anything hanging from your ceiling apart from lights? Nah. I can’t think of anything I’d want to have hanging.

#survey #surveys

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diaryoftypist · 4 years

Text

Self discipline

Here I am, sitting on my bed, sipping coffee and ready to face my world.

This past period has been intense on me psychologically. I’ve been going through some super tough internal wars that I think were personality shaping kinda wars. I think this is me unlocking a new personality level.

I’ve been at war with myself regarding the person I was in my relationship, regarding my relationship itself, regarding so many negative habits that I was hung up on. I was having extreme overthinking of what I’m doing in my life, How I wanna live my life and What if I suddenly die? I mean, how far from ready am I to face God?

A few incidences helped me think those thoughts through in the right direction. It all started with this day, I was praying and suddenly I broke. I broke down in tears, asking God to help me figure things out, placing all of my vulnerability in God’s hands. At that moment I had every cell in me believe that nothing, literally NOTHING else can make my mind clear, make my heart calm, other than God himself. I prayed with utter believe and truth, and then it just happens. It’s like a sudden ray of bright light got inside me. It felt like my brain was dusty and foggy and suddenly it’s pristine. My heart felt heavy and aching, and suddenly it felt at ease. It felt happy. Just like that. It’s like it was a snap from a finger.

At that time I felt amazing, suddenly I could think very clearly, I could see what’s bugging me and what I was being a drama queen about. It’s like God lifted this heaviness off my chest. I don’t know about you, but it felt like a miracle to me at the time.

Anyways, that day was like a turning point. After then, I started getting my shit together, especially in the relationship department. I was being a bad partner. I was not a delight. I took a pause and tried to get back to my old self, and as imagined everything started getting back to normal. I’m still super thankful. Alhamdulellah.

And then the second turning point was one day, me sitting down to watch “The social dilemma” documentary. Which talked about how social media and technology being at the tip of our fingers is kinda truly ruining our lives. I had to take another pause. Try to evaluate what’s real from what is virtual, and trust me when I tell you that so much of it was virtual, to the extent that the line between reality and virtuality was almost invisible. And there goes my second challenge, getting myself out of that virtual vicious loop that got us under its mercy. I remembered when my left side of my brain had jobs to do. When I used to have all sorts of creative time, getting it out as sketches or music or even writing down my feeling like I am, now. And somehow I blame it all on social media. Sucking up all of our time and providing us with so much useless serotonin that we get hung up on. And I actually started the challenge, which is controlled usage of social media, only 10 mins in the morning, and 10 mins at night. It’s not easy because we’re kinda addicted, but with enough will, I’m actually doing it. almost a week in the challenge right now. I even miss some of my allowed social media time because I feel better off.

And then comes the third day of important realizations. I go to this religious/ spiritual classes every once in a while. I’ve been going there my whole life, since I was in kindergarten. Anyways, We haven’t met in a long time now because of the corona situation. Last week we finally had a long awaited gathering. During these kinds of classes we do is different from what normal religious classes here do. We don’t gather to read and memorize holy words, we gather to contemplate. To think. To think why are we here on this Earth? what’s our purpose? and what should we do to be on the right track? We usually have a theme and then we brainstorm around it, with supporting Ahadith and Quran. And guess what was last week’s new theme? It was about “What if we knew that our death is soon?” Deep, huh? We all know that we can die at anytime, any day. It doesn’t have to be when we’re 80 and old. It’s a fact. Nothing new, right? But, do we really remember it all the time? I don’t think we do. I, for myself, don’t. So brainstorming around that theme, we were asked each to name one thing we think we would definitely do if we knew our ending is soon. So many things were said, so many things came to mind. All of the sins that I made came rushing after each other in the back of my mind. But just 2 things were as if written in Bold and CAPSLOCK in my mind. *STOP BINGE WATCHING*, *START PRAYING FAJR*! They were just so clear in my mind that I couldn’t think of anything else. The day was over and we went on with out lives, but those words felt like they were printed on my mind now, along with the phrase “What if I die soon?”. It’s all too bold to ignore, right?

And I was at a good connection with God these days, I felt the positive vibe of getting my life together, with the new light heart and social media-free life. I decided to do it. why wait when I know this is the right thing for me? I decided to pray AlFajr. It’s always been such a hard thing to do. Waking up inside my cycle of sleep to go make wudoo’ and pray and interrupt my precious precious sleep? It always sounded impossible. Don’t ask me how, but I’m suddenly actually doing it. I set up an alarm for 5:30 am. And I wake up, turn it off, pray and go back to sleep. Everyday ever since, except just 1 day I failed. But still, Who knew that I could do it?? honestly I’m amazed at myself. And 2 days later I started the no netflixing thingy. Honestly, to me this is the hardest out of them all. Maybe because it’s the most I’ve been hung up on. But, so far so good. so YAY me.

I feel like this is one of my golden eras. I’m writing this all right now so that if everything eventually goes up in flames I can remember that I was once doing it all, and it can be done truly. And to remind myself that it’s all about reliance on God. The greatest of all. The only way out of anything, the only way to do anything. I was reading this book that said “As long as you only have God in your heart, and all your other beloved things in your hand not your heart, you’re doing dunya right”. I understand that now very deeply. And I feel the ultimate blessing that I have right now, that is God making me see that clearly, facilitating everything for me, getting me so many gifts I can’t even count them. I’m just super thankful.

So, here’s for a change one happy diary. something that I’d like to remember.

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sadcatbug · 6 years

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Song for Soul: Young Blood by The Districts

I wanted to share this song by The Districts because music is such an important part of my life. Sometime mid-February, I started a playlist on Spotify called “Blue Rage” - feel free to give it a listen. It’s a collection of songs that do a really good job of summing up how I feel and how I like to listen to music. I can become absorbed in all of my anger and frustration and sadness and just get lost in the sound. Each song has its own mood and this alt-rock playlist as a collective has just been my mood for the past couple months.

And as a dancer, I am very in tune to the way a song sounds. But the words in these songs have been the most powerful words I’ve heard in a while. The lyrics can be so acutely sympathetic or just total ambiguous expression. And I just wanted to share some of the lyrics from this song because this is the song that I felt the first shreds of understanding about my situation.

“Love is patient and wise, but it's not always kind when you learn how it leaves So nimble and lithe, through your fingers like sand It never lingers I'm grating my hands”

It really was this overwhelmingly sudden experience. When mom began going through menopause, the doctor’s noticed a mass that was concerning and so she had a hysterectomy. And the first round of chemo that followed was always spoken of as a preventative countermeasure. She always made sure that I wouldn’t worry because I was in Fayetteville away from everything. I never thought it was something to worry about. We were so sure it was nothing that I didn’t tell my friends. I didn’t talk about. I didn’t even think about it.

And it was equally naive as it was terrifying. My mom always told me she would have to be wheeled out of the building before she would retire. She worked so hard and was so active and healthy I never thought to worry that this would slow her down. She was my mom. She was invincible. And she rang that bell.

And then we were told that it didn’t work. That the whole time cancer had been growing and the doctor’s have no idea what to do. And so she went to MD Anderson in Texas- the best freaking cancer hospital in the country. And they still didn’t know what was going on. And it’s hard to remember all of the details because she would just call me and update. Or text me. And so I was so removed from the situation it was hard to understand how scary it was for her. Because she was so brave to me.

And then "We got our first bit of good news today! The CA125 tumor marker test that was done in June was 78 and the one done last week after the first cycle of the new drugs was 14.5!!! The Dr. is excited, I am excited, so very hopeful and thankful and doing a happy dance. Hoping to work that number down to zero!💃🏻💃🏻💃🏻" Is the text I received today from my amazing mom. Doing a happy dance and flipping the bird to cancer today.” That was on September 12th, 2017.

My patience is waning, I'm growing tired In the scorn of the weather, my fickle heart fades And I can't make the grade But I'll graduate gently without stories worth singing, of my own Just need a little romance I just need a little time Just need a little young love, to ease my mind

This is perhaps the most succinct verse I have ever heard. After the good news, I began to feel comfortable with mom’s condition, began to have hope again. My life was normal again and I was excited for the future, not scared of it. I went to the International Sculpture Conference in Kansas City and networked with some inspiring people and finally felt fuel for the fire to pursue my two degrees. I finally felt like I wasn’t crazy- that people like me are out there and I can really make a career for myself combining engineering and art. And I went to Austin City Limits with my friends and saw the Gorillaz- a favorite band of mine. And I saw Arcade Fire front row with a best friend in Kansas City. And I celebrated Halloween in Dallas seeing Ghostland Observatory with my friends. And then I went to Chicago with my best friend to celebrate our 21st birthdays. Our birthdays are a day apart and during finals week, so we decided to celebrate afterwards with a week of celebration in one of my favorite cities.

And while we were in Chicago, we were staying in this beautiful, historic house where we played pool one night and just had a lowkey evening. Then his mom called in the middle of our game and he took a few minutes to talk to her. I realized then that I hadn’t shared much of my time in Chicago with my mom yet- hadn’t called or texted except to say we made it safely. He told me that I should call my mom more. I said he was right. It would be my New Year’s Resolution to try and call my mom whenever I had free time. On my way home from class, while I’m eating dinner, when I’m taking a study break. That it wasn’t that I didn’t love talking to my mom, I just got busy.

And I want to make it very clear that that was my relationship with my mother. She was so supportive of me doing my thing and traveling and experiencing what life had to offer. I mean, when she was young she moved to LA. And what sucks is that I want to write more about how that unfolded for her but I don’t know all the details. If I had three things I could ask my mom today, one of them would be to know the entire chronicle of her life... there’s so much I still want to know.

And then I came home to the entire family at my house. They broke the news. I had what I didn’t know would be my last words. I was a total fucking wreck. I suddenly felt so bad for gallivanting across the country for the past year. I suddenly felt so sick at my stomach I’m surprised I didn’t vomit. That was the most jarring moment of my short life so far. Just over Thanksgiving she was prepping the mountains of delicious food she makes every year. The pain and the drugs and the chemo made her tired, but she was up. She was alert. She was my mom.

My ears ring, teeth grind, think I'd be able better off blind, she said So that I won't picture it I've yet to grow patient, I've yet to grow kind Love was patient and wise, but didn't stay through time Preoccupied we were, now my smile's breaking But if I learn to relax all my muscles in vain Float on the waves see if your heart still remains, it's as wide as the ocean The birds in the sky

And we had one last Christmas together. And she was gone the morning of December 26th, 2017.

And she had only just found out that there was nothing more to do - That she should go into hospice care - On the day I told my friend it would be my Resolution to call her more - Four days before she was gone.

It's a long way down from the top to the bottom It's a long way back to a high from where I am

I live my life in the upside down. Everything is the same but shifted. I have lost a limb and I’ve been bleeding out. I’ve been losing sleep and health and hope. I have been spewing grief and insecurity. I patched myself up with apathy and discipline but I want to be healing.

It’s in my nature to just push forward. To just keep working. That life isn’t fair but it is what you make it. And I’ve learned that from the best. From someone who made their life what they wanted- who worked harder than anyone- who loved and laughed with all her heart.

And so I want to talk about this stuff now. I want to get some stuff off my chest now. Because with as much physical work I am trying to do everyday, I need to. I am dedicated to my studies. I am determined to keep a healthy diet and workout regularly. I am motivated to see my friends. I am in love with my significant other.

I’m on the long way back to being me.

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