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haseenaneedsalife · 6 years

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Marriage

You know what, since we touched upon the subject of marriage in the recent post, let’s go deeper into that.

I already mentioned how terrified and put off I am about the idea of marriage, right? No, I didn’t express it well enough? Well now you know just how deeply uncomfortable I feel at the thought of it. A huge part of me wants to be single forever. I enjoy and prefer my own company more than I think I’d ever enjoy someone else’s. Plus, I value my freedom and space way too much.

We’ll get the negative talk outta the way first. The truth is, I get bored in a relationship pretty quickly. I know it’s completely normal for things to become kinda routine and not as exciting anymore after a while, especially once you start living together. This will be the case once you get past the fiery, heated up honeymoon phase where your partner is still new and fresh and it feels as if there’s so much more left to uncover about them.

But what scares me is the boredom part and it’s happened in previous relationships. Now, when I’m bored, I NEVER think about cheating or finding that excitement in the arms of another man. That thought never crosses my mind. However, I feel bored in the sense that my mind isn’t stimulated enough anymore. We don’t take part in new, challenging, exciting activities together like we used to. What I want is a relationship where we continuously push each other to grow and be the best version of ourselves. To never become stagnant, complacent, too comfortable or lazy. I want us to always put effort into each other. To explore and go on adventures. I don’t ONLY mean adventures abroad while travelling around the world. I’m referring to even the simplest of adventures, like taking a walk under the stars in a new park. I want someone who finds it exciting to talk about the meaning of life with me. We can do small talk, but those deep conversations need to be just as naturally exciting for you as they are for me. We need to connect and challenge each other mentally, otherwise how will I spend my life with you?

At the same time, my issue is that I stopped putting in the effort in previous relationships. I stopped caring about the other person and didn’t care how they felt, if they left or ended things, etc. I became numb to them. No matter what they did to save us, it didn’t work.

I’ve realised it’s a defence mechanism. I ruin my relationships on purpose without consciously knowing that’s what I’m doing. It’s because deep down, I’m scared it’s not going to work out anyway, so I might as well lose interest and stop invensting my time and energy into keeping the relationship alive.

I’m also scared that my partner will hurt me. They’ll leave, cheat on me with another girl, lie and deceive me, and so on. These are thoughts that stick in my mind throughout the whole time we’re together, and it causes me to detach from the other person, even if my thoughts seem silly at the time and there’s no reason for me to feel insecure or suspicious.

So in a way, I MAKE myself become bored. I convince myself they’re not worth my time anymore even though they are, hence why I chose to get into a relationship with them in the first place.

Now, a relationship and marriage are very different. There’s much more on the line, more commitment, more investment, and so on with marriage. My brother in law told me, “before your sister and I got married and began living together, we could stop talking and have space as soon as our phone calls ended. But our first year of being married was extremely difficult. You can’t immediately escape from the other person and get breathing space that easily like you could before you got married.“

The sense of mystery goes too because you’re faced with all their bad habits and quirks which might’ve been endearing before but now they become annoying.

HOWEVER, now I’m going to try and convince myself as to why marriage can be a happy thing.

When I meet the right man - the one who is kind, caring, humble, loving... the one who cares about world issues and likes to learn and debate... the man who has a big heart - it’s possible I could fall in love with him. I will fall in love with his soul. The way he lights up a room and tries his best to make everyone laugh and smile because he knows each of us are struggling with something inside ourselves which we keep hidden from the world. The way he wraps his arms around me, protecting me from the rest of the world, vowing to keep me safe. The way he loves reading books, learning about the world, and expanding his depth of knowledge. The way he’s determined to become a better person each day. The way he never gives up when the going gets tough. The way he’s willing to be vulnerable with his emotions and opening up to me, knowing I’ll never judge or mock him once he lets me see his heart. I’ll cherish and love him all the same. I want a man who encourages me on our religious pursuits together, side by side. I want him to be as passionate about becoming closer to God as I aim to be. I’m far from perfect; I feel ashamed most of the time because I know I could be and do so much better. But together, him and I can commit to helping and guiding each other on our own journey. Sure, him and I are strong on our own already. But with my husband by my side, I am even stronger. His love, care, strength, positivity drives me. And in return, I want to support and encourage him in all his hopes and dreams. Because I believe with all my being that he will succeed. He will accomplish what he hopes for. I know it. And if we have children, which is something I’d want too, we will work as a team to raise them well. I’ll teach them the right values and morals. They will respect and uplift others. They‘ll be full of kindness. I will always be there to guide them, to listen to any of their worries. And my kids will be the luckiest in the world because they’ll have the best father to look up to. I will always remind them of how important he is, how deeply I respect him, how hard he works and much he sacrifices to make us happy. I refuse to commit to a man and ever marry him unless he has these traits within him.

So when I think about my REAL thoughts and feelings toward a committed, monogamous partnership, I know it’s something I want and would like.

But before I could ever have a long lasting and healthy relationship with a man, I need to work through and fix the many insecurities and fears that have caused me to ruin relationships in the past. I need to get over the feeling of jealousy, the worries that my partner will cheat (which has already happened funnily enough, so it’s made this worry even worse towards my next partner), and the fear of getting bored.

Marriage is hard work. No one said it’s easy. When you bring kids into the picture, it becomes 1000x harder. But when you have a strong foundation of a relationship to begin with, and you’re committed to doing all you can in order to make things work, then it will be okay.

Communication is so important. How can you know how to make your partner happy unless you talk to them? How can you know what they feel is lacking in the relationship or any hurts, resentment, worries they’ve kept locked up inside them unless you ask ‘em? So many problems can be fixed once you speak to each other. I don’t mean lame, superficial talk either. I mean REALLY having heart to hearts. Being completely raw and honest. And when you communicate with each other, do so with respect. Don’t insult, nag, verbally or physically attack your partner. Speak to them with kindness even if you‘re feeling angry or upset.

Another mistake I’ve made many times before is, I would take and hardly give. My partner would help me all the time (specifically on an emotional level), do everything to make me happy, but I never asked them in return: “What can I do for YOU? What would help YOU be happy in our relationship? Are YOU doing okay?” I was selfish and self-absorbed. When you’re too stuck in your own head all the time, your partner feels neglected.

A relationship is a two way street. You should BOTH care about making the other person happy. Regularly ask your partner how they’re doing. If they need any help. If they need a shoulder to cry on. If there’s anything you can do to brighten their day, and I mean specific actions they would appreciate you doing for them. For example, one of you may need lots of physical affection through hugs, cuddles, kisses and hand holding in order to feel more safe and secure.

I’ve learnt from all these mistakes and realised what I need to improve on. I‘ve been working on these things and have gotten better at some, but I still have a long way to go. I’m a hypocrite for complaining about things getting boring in a relationship because I’m not mentally stimulated anymore, because we don’t take part in exciting activities anymore, but I need to put the effort into doing these things just as much as my partner.

We have the choice to see things in a positive or negative light. I’ve spent my whole life looking at romantic relationships and marriage as something negative, but now I’ll choose to view them as something positive. :) It’s a chance for excitement, growth, challenge, happiness.

Spending your whole life with your partner/spouse is a chance to experience the deepest feeling of intimacy with another human being; you’re closer to them than anyone else in the world. You’ll become more resilient in the face of hardships, you’ll work harder, and you’ll have your best friend by your side through it all. Even if you think you know every detail about them because you’ve been together for many years, there is still more to uncover. People grow, we’re not the same person we were five or ten years ago. Do you see what I mean? You don’t have to lose that sense of mystery. Take a trip abroad, read or watch things together and learn about the world, discuss issues. Ask your partner what they think about topics. Always keep that sense of wonder alive inside you, especially towards your partner.

After writing through this all, I don’t feel so scared anymore about committing myself to a man in the future. But I’m going to be extremely careful and wary before doing so. I’m going to wait and make sure he’s the right one before giving my heart away, and to wait until he’s sure that I’m the right one for him too. Patience is a beautiful thing and it’s underrated. Many people rush into things when there’s no need to. I’ll focus on studies, my friends, hobbies, learning, exploring, and life in general. I’m not too bothered or in a rush to find someone. I was simply worried (before reaching the end of this post) about getting hurt by, or bored with, someone when we do commit ourselves to each other.

I know it’ll be okay. I’ll work hard to make sure things work out next time around because I will only fall for him if he’s worth the level of loyalty and love I’m willing to give.

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