#i am. so fucking tired of being unmedicated

[elprupneerg]

i totally have control over my life. i'm absolutely not sitting here mindlessly scrolling tumblr and reading fanfic and fantasizing about how much less stressed i'd be if i weren't in school right now. i'm definitely actually doing my homework because i definitely actually have spoons and the ability to focus

[ultimateinferno]

Looking back I think one of the biggest things that got me through uni was that Canvas had calendars that showed when assignments were due and actually let me plan out what tf I was going to do without feeling overwhelmed.

Well... that and being a tutor/TA/lab assistant letting me work on homework during my shifts. Those two things really pushed uni from being agonizing to doable.

[dragonji]

being a student is always going so well until it Isn't .

[forcedjuggalofication]

narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real n

[sunsoak]

Man im gonna fucking die

[peachfruitcake]

Hey so im opening single character commissions starting at $30 cuz im having trouble affording basic necessities, college class supplies and food to feed myself rn and as for now I’m only able to attend college, so here’s the commission form!! (Further details and context in tags)

Plz dm me if you’re interested and make a response to the Google form linked here. All commission info is also in this form. Feel free to also ask questions if needed

Please spread if you can!!

[ilikeyoshi]

hate trying to google "why does my adderall make me exhausted but cant sleep" bc all you get is results about withdrawal from a high or long term prescription. and i'm like. no, google, i'm not in the middle of quitting my adderall, this happens literally every day.

[wickedhawtwexler]

society if we went back to having amphetamines available over the counter

[roachfun]

This is probably a wild thing to get but your “Gojo should stay dead” post has got my unmedicated ass vibrating.

(I’ve only read jjk0, besides that literally all of my exposure has been via 3 video essays and fanfic… I basically got into the series backwards and tbh it’s an interesting experience…)

And tbh I agree with you more than not. Even though the view I have of the character is so fucking warped because jjk fanfic is too the gills filled with smut.

Because what I’ve gathered from the video essays and the few bits of fanfics that actually tried getting into his mind… is that the man is gd tired.

A god complex the size of the sun, that’s only ever been challenged once by one of the few people he ever formed a genuine connection with, and it was challenged as that person was leaving him. That incident may have motivated him to change, but that change was predominantly if not exclusively external, he didn’t really do much self reflection.

After Geto left, Gojo did better (became a teacher, warding Megumi, not letting Yuta be executed) but he didn’t work on being better (god complex, recklessness, belief that his way is the only way with no real consideration for the effects those decisions have on others)

He’s selfish, arrogant, and reckless, he doesn’t seem to take much of anything seriously and that may be a persona (again, I haven’t actually read jjk yet… the ending of mha did the characters, narrative, and audience so gd dirty I need to know how jjk ends so I set my expectations accordingly) but I can very much see this man never really developing his sense of empathy because he never really had any stakes… like he has some understanding, but the god complex and the fact people around him constantly reinforce it… he can’t put himself in other people’s shoes, there’s a detachment from reality that would read as delusional for anybody else, but he has spent his entire life being told he is the strongest with nothing ever being able to prove him wrong.

Than on the flip side of that god complex, honestly for a good while, and still sorta kinda… to me he reads as passively suicidal. (I know “Word of God” can be controversial regarding character analysis because of its absence in the base text) but the fact Gege’s rough rundown of Gojo’s daily schedule was basically “he sleeps for about 3 hours and spends the rest of his time working, his sweet tooth is actually somewhat practical as he uses sugar as a stimulant.” That’s not good for your noggin. Add the isolation caused by his status and his god complex, I see him coming to the conclusion that the only way he should die, is in battle.

And he did! Even if wasn’t in the “final sacrifice that ensures he becomes a legend” sort of way I think he would’ve hoped for.

But that also felt… right? (Certainly not fair, Gege openly admitting he kills off fan favorites for the shock value does dampen the possible emotional impact that could’ve been achieved… but I digress)

Every time Gojo fights, and I mean properly fights, he’s smiling, it’s a game to him, a chance to show off, to assert his dominance and reaffirm his status… so him dying so suddenly that his legs are still standing as his upper half falls to the floor, he’s lying there choking on his own blood as he bleeds out and Sukuna saying it “cleared his skies” (weird phrasing, but I think that’s a cultural/translation thing) it could’ve been a gut punch of a tragedy that amped up the stakes of the final conflict! The protagonists’ trump card is gone in a handful of panels and a flick of the wrist! He’s bleeding out on the ground as the big bad seems to reach a moment of genuine inner peace! But the backtracking and Gege’s history lessened that significantly

tbh I wouldn’t be surprised if it turned out that Shonen Jump had something to do with it… the motivations for Gege’s writing choices are questionable to me (it feels spiteful and cheap) but they’ve been consistent until now, what changed?

Anyway it is… 5:45 am… I should be asleep, but I’m here vomiting character analysis based on partial information in your inbox… I hope you have a good day/night/whatever is appropriate for when you receive this

I hate that you had me read all that, but I couldn't agree more with most that you said (except maybe where you call him selfish and I lowk think geges killing system is fair and I like it a lot but🤷).

Anyways, I don't know how to really respond to this since you basically did all the talking lol (plus I'm tired from reading all that and just got out of school).

I do have a question tho. how did you start with jjk0??? Like how does something like that happen. Also you haven't watched the anime or anything😭???

Anyways, thanks for dropping this essay on me have a good day/night or life in case we never speak🩵

[trans-axolotl]

does anti psych include medications? like if I’m looking to start mental health medications should I be wary of some or is it just about psych wards

Hi anon!

When I talk about antipsychiatry, I am usually critiquing the whole system, from outpatient, inpatient, meds, therapy--every part of it. I believe in psych abolition, which to me means that I think we need to transform our understanding of madness/mental illness/neurodivergence and create new methods of support and care within our communities. This does not mean that I think every single aspect of the current mental health system is always bad or harmful for individual people, but rather just that I'm interested in moving beyond our current fucked up system and the ways that it enables a so much harm.

When it comes to meds, I think about meds in a little bit of a different way than traditional psychiatry. Meds are a tool that some people find helpful, and that others find harmful. Like any other drug, psych meds come with a whole bunch of mental and physical effects, some of which will be desired, some of which will be less desired. Some people try out meds and find a med that has effects they really desire, and they are willing to tolerate the other effects of the med, even if they don't love it. Some people might try out meds and not want any of the mental, emotional, or physical effects that they experience on that med, but are open to other meds. Some people might never want to try meds and refuse all meds. Some people might want to be on meds at certain points of their lives, but not others. Some people might want to use a psych med off label, or in a different way than is prescribed. All of these relationships with medication are real ways that our community is going to engage with meds, and one isn't more valid than any other.

In general, what makes me wary of the way psychiatry engages with medication is that I don't think that most mad/mentally ill/neurodivergent people are given the information we need to make an actually informed and free choice. So many of us are put on meds without our consent, whether that's through involuntary hospitalization or other methods of coercion. A lot of other people take meds voluntarily, but are not given all the information about the long-term effects of their medication, or are given false promises that make them think the medication has scientific evidence that shows it's more effective than it actually is. For a lot of people, if they were given accurate information, had more knowledge about FDA regulations for psych meds, or if they knew why chemical imbalance theories have been disproved, they might make different decisions about their medication use. I want mad/mentally ill/neurodivergent people to be able to access meds on demand if that's what they want, be given all the information so that we can make the right choices for us, and be respected when we don't want to take medication.

I also am very angry about the way psychiatrists treat unmedicated mad/mentally ill/neurodivergent people as a threat. Part of the reason I'm so antipsychiatry is because most psychiatrists seem to operate from a framework where there is no room for us as mad people to exist with our own understandings of our madness. There is so much coercion in the psychiatric system, and our mental health system focuses a lot on concepts of compliance, linear recovery, and being a "good, obedient patient." I think those values are incredibly fucked up, and it's so important to me that mad people are allowed to exist in the many complex ways we exist, without being labeled as a danger just because we aren't interested in medication. Medication is one tool, not a weapon, and I'm tired of psychiatrists weaponizing medication to force and control mad/mentally ill/neurodivergent people because they're more interested in making us conform rather than adapting to our individual needs and experiences.

So long story short, medication is a option that everyone will have different experiences with, and it is not inherently bad! I'm just mad at the way psychiatry doesn't give us all the information we need to make decisions, coerces us into making the medication decisions they want, and contributes to stigma against madness that prioritizes "normalcy" over actual support. If you have any questions about specific medications feel free to send another ask and I can link you some resources to learn about the effects and science of that med!

[sentfromwolves]

So there I was, checking out HBABL. Dove into Nemesis's tag. Fell in love. I don't know if you infodump, but if you do, would you mind introducing him to me? :3

WAAAGHHHH THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ASKING I AM ALWAYS SO HAPPY TO RANT ABOUT MY SON (✧∀✧)/ !!!!

Nemesis Bluesummers is twenty years old, born on october 31st 2004 (yes, a halloween baby!!) which makes him a raging scorpio. I can actually identify his sun/moon/rising because his birthday plays deeply into his storyline and I also know a lot about this kid.

He was born to Agatha Bluesummers, the Sanguine Witch, in Nashville, TN. Agatha, who probably deserves an award for World's Worth Mother, cursed Nemesis to die at midnight on his 21st birthday while he was in the cradle, largely due to the fact that she never wanted a child, and the only reason she kept Nemesis was because she could feel that her child would have immense power, and wanted to steal that power for her own. Of course, that didn't work, so she had to settle for cursing him instead. Nemesis ran away from home at the age of ten because of Agatha's hostile, abusive, transphobic bullshit. He stole her car too (because she locked up the GTO, which he'd been fixing up as a passion project. you know - just ten year old child prodigy things.)

And yeah, Nemesis is pretty smart - he is an incredibly fast learner with a hand's on approach, absolutely has raging ADHD (unmedicated), and a penchant for putting things apart so he can learn how to put them back together again. That being said, he's never had a formal education because he ran away from home and stayed on the run ever since, trying to find a way to break his curse.

He's allergic to pineapple and shellfish, his favorite food is poutine, and he thrifts or steals his entire wardrobe. He can speak English, Spanish, French, and passable Japanese due to extensively traveling after leaving home. He has extreme commitment issues, his biggest pet peeve is people talking while they're eating food, and he absolutely binge watched all of Bridgerton in the dead of night. His biggest hobby he can't commit any time to is working with cars. He has a three-headed doberman named Chaos, and he absolutely needs therapy.

On the surface, Nemesis is acerbic, unhinged, self-centered, hostile, and untrusting. Meeting him feels like whiplash, he'll leave you feeling like you got hit by a truck while he escapes out a bathroom window and into the night. He bristles the way a kicked cat bristles, he bares his teeth the way a dog bares its teeth after being hit one too many times. He wants to be loved and hates that he wants that more than anything else, and he feels abandoned by the whole world, and incredibly, painfully alone. When you sand him down, he's really nerdy, loves a corny joke, and likes to hang around and chat your er off about his hyperfixations. A hug wouldn't heal this kid, but it would go a long way in helping him figure things out.

At the end of the day, HBABL is about a kid that was forced to grow up too fast, all alone, and keeps fighting tooth and nail to break his curse because his pride won't let him just lay down and die even though he's so fucking tired. he's so tired and ready to be done. he's young, he's literally only twenty years old, he never had a chance to be a kid, or much of anything at all but a survivor. he's in love with the demon possessing his car, his biggest flaw and strength in equal measure is hope beyond all measure. and honestly I love him your honor, thanks for coming to me TED talk. (ಥ﹏ಥ)

[renthony]

Someone dropped multiple questions in my DMs and, when I didn't respond, send me a "did I do something wrong?" message.

Please don't do this.

I am fucking busy and fucking tired, and contrary to popular belief, I do have a life outside this website. If you're going to drop a labor-intensive question about politics, social issues, or media studies in my messages, I'm most likely not going to respond to it right away. It takes time and spoons I don't always have, and as I have posted before, responding to messages is the first thing I stop being able to do when I am struggling.

I am not an on-demand information machine. Yes, I love doing research, yes I love answering questions when I can, no I do not have unlimited time and energy. If you have a question, drop it in my ask box -- NOT in my DMs, please. I don't check them as often and I lose track of them incredibly easily. I'll respond when I can, if I can, assuming my severe, debilitating, and entirely unmedicated ADHD doesn't banish all memory of them to the netherworld.

If you really, really, really want to read my thoughts and opinions and analyses of things, pledge to my Patreon so my family can buy groceries and I can spend more time working on things instead of struggling to survive. Maybe I'll have more spoons if I'm not spending all my time trying to keep my head above the shit-tainted waters of capitalism's nightmare hell.

[notthewriteryourelookingfor]

I am at my fucking limit so buckle up:

Because I have adhd and anxiety and depression, I need to take melatonin to get to sleep at a reasonable time otherwise I'll be lying in bed for literal hours until I can fall asleep, doubly so if I take my adhd meds that day.

So I live in Australia and if you live in Australia you can't buy melatonin over the counter if you're under 55 (idk why I'm too tired to look up why) and I'm 29 so fuck me I'd need to get a prescription and then a months supply is like $30.

So I've been ordering melatonin from this place in the US which is about 5 months supply for about the same price maybe a lil extra for shipping like $50 for 150 tablets.

So when I realised I was getting low on them I went to the sight and ordered again.

Easy-peasy right?

Well it turned out that I had enough to get me to the last day of their delivery window (about the 27th of Feb) and I was like " ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ they're usually pretty quick with delivery so I should be ok" but then the 27th rolled around and no delivery.

So I checked the tracking and it hadn't been scanned since the 17th. It was in my country, in my state, but hadn't moved in 10 days.

So I looked and the company was using a new 3rd party delivery company and they Sucked. It was a continuous problem that they just didn't deliver packages, lost them, took months and months and months to deliver something to next door the facility.

So I got in contact with the American company and they're gonna send me a refund (more on that in a sec) and til then i was like "dear God ill have to order from Amazon 🤮) so I did.

Shipping cost more than the product but the delivery time was about a week and I'd found 2 of my old diazepam that I could take if I really needed to.

To note: I usually only take my meds for work, I can generally get by without them when I'm not working but now not taking them for work makes me feel like I am not being as useful/productive/etc as I could be and as a supervisor who is often the one in charge I need to be on the ball.

Amazon package was meant to come today.

I did get an Amazon package today but was it my desperately needed melatonin? No it was a fucking Christian self-help book:

Like does this look like medication to you?!?!?!

I get that mistakes happen but this is the 2nd issue I've had with this 1 thing.

Also as a queer satanist/witch it feels a lil insulting even tho it wasn't probably wasnt intentional at all and some Christian who wanted a self help book has been sent sleep medication like oops.

But that is not the end of the saga.

Luckily Amazon is on the ball about refunds and I was able to reorder the item (& a 2nd brand so we'll see who comes first) and paid extra for fast shipping. Even then it will take another week for it to arrive.

I have my supervisor shift on the weekend, I cannot be unmedicated for it but I will be running on 2 hours of sleep if I'm lucky.

If I didn't take the adhd meds I'd be on maybe 4 hours sleep so it's not much difference tbh.

But on top of all that: the refund from the 1st company (that I will never be going back to after this) was pending in my bank account. It had the amount ($95 cuz I ordered 3 bottles of 2 different strengths plus shipping) with a "this is pending" label.

It has now vanished from my account.

It is no longer pending but I also do not have the money.

I am giving them the 10 business days they said it'll take and if it's not in my account I am raining hell.

I work retail minimum wage, I live paycheque to paycheque, I cannot be out $95 with nothing to show for it.

10 business days is the 15th

My new order is meant to arrive on the 14th

We'll see what I get first, a refund from the person I ordered from in January or the replacement items I ordered Wednesday last week.

(Also the express shipping isn't much faster I just need it literally as soon as possible I am so tired)

[iamthunderhearmehowl]

Let me tell you about the tattoo that my mom hates (this is a long ass post btw)

✨️Trigger Warning✨️

Suicide / Depression

- - - - - -

Hey, hi, it's me. This is the only place I feel really open about sharing things - but with the holidays and cold months coming up I know how hard it can be for people who are struggling with depression/ bi polar / familial trauma, etc. So here's this post to remind you (and me) that we'll be okay. You and me. We will be okay. We are still breathing, and with every breath we take, we still have a shot at living the lives we've dreamed of.

You see this tattoo? I got it as a reminder. Oh yeah, also it's a Dark Souls tattoo. It says "Don't You Dare Go Hollow".

My mom HATES it, but she has come to terms with how much I love this tattoo.

But anyways, I got this tattoo to remind myself to keep going. I got it about 1-2 years after I attempted to leave this earth on my own accord.

Background (skip if you want)

It was 2020. I had been a Veterinary Assistant (technician basically depending on what state you're in, TN treats the assistants the same as technicians). Clients were beating me down dude. I had phones thrown at me. I had death threats. I had people telling me I was a worthless piece of shit. I wanted to help these animal, but to do that I felt like I had to take and accept this slurry of abuse. I was unmedicated. I felt alone. I felt like I was nothing. An empty vessel. So one day I was supposed to go to work and we were working on a skeleton crew. 12 to 13 hours a day, days in a row, sometimes we would still have to go in on our off days. I couldn't do it anymore. I called out. I said I was sick. The response "I'm sorry you're sick, but that puts our team in a hard spot". That was it. The last straw.

I ended up going to the ER. I stayed there for a week. And thrn I ended up in a mental institution for 3 days. I was started on Zoloft.

All was well for a little bit. I stayed in my profession and decided to go to Tech School to brighten my future and make some more money.

It was. The most stressful time of my life. While I did leave my previous clinic I switched to ER and Specialty and lasted only about 6 months there. Before I realized I was spiraling again. I felt like a failure as a tech. I was worthless. I wasn't enough. I got let go. If I had been doing this for 5 years and could do this what fucking good was I? I saw the signs. I understood what was happening. I sought help and went to group therapy at a behavioral hospital.

It was amazing. The people I met, the counselors, I made so many friends and people who believed in me. We increased the dosage of my meds.

Now. I'm at a new clinic. I'm spiraling again. I'm in bad health. The doctors don't know what's wrong with me, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it's stress from my career. I still come home sobbing. I come home feeling empty. No amount of medication can help free me from the unhappiness of my job. At one point I loved it. Somewhere along the way I realized that this isn't the life I want. I love your pets. I love my current clients. But I can't take the pressures of possibly getting hurt or sick. My back is messed up from this job, all of my joints pop and hurt, I have damaged and fractured my teeth from grinding them from stress. I am always tired. Working 10+ hours with just a one hour break isn't cutting it. I am miserable.

So.

I took the fucking leap guys. I'm doing it. I'm switching my career. I'm going back to my roots. I'm being creative and doing what. I started podcasting and realized how much I missed being myself. My VTNE is next month and I don't give a shit.

The game changer was really being inspired by the voice acting in Baulder's Gate 3. Hearing Neil Newbon's speech when he accepted his award made me cry. I took one of Steve Blums voice acting classes and . . . My God it was like finally hearing the affirmation I never got from my parents.

Back to the Tattoo

My point is, no matter how hard it gets, please allow yourself to enjoy the things you love and fuck what everyone else says. You do yourself a disservice if you don't give yourself a break. If you don't be true to yourself, if you don't strive for the life you've dreamed of.

It's why my tattoo is the Bonfire from Dark Souls. In your journey, you're going to fail multiple times. Sometimes, you get hung up on the same damn spot over and over and over again. Sometimes, you have to reface your enemies. DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE BOSS BATTLES. You may fail thousands of times, but you know what you do? You go back to your bonfire- your safe place- and you heal up. You get the fuck back up the next day and do it again. Sometimes your game plan changes. You don't have to fight this boss today. You can fight him when you're ready. You don't have to make huge progress in the game today - you can dick around and look for good armor. You can change the whole path you take if you want to - it doesn't matter. In the end you will eventually accomplish what you've came to do.

I have really been fighting for my life lately, but I don't want to lose hope. If I give up, then I'll never see the end of the game or move on to the next one.

It's hard sometimes. But my favorite quote is:

"So if you ever find yourself in a slump, remember your purpose - whatever it may be - and never stop fighting for your goals, no matter how crazy they may seem. And don't you dare go hollow"

I don't know you guys but I love you. And if you need someone to tell you that personally my inboxes are open.

[aprillikesthings]

rant o'clock

because I am currently struggling to get my ADHD medication, and the pharmacy tech I spoke today was incredibly dismissive about it

Here's the thing: people act like it's optional. We don't need it to survive, right? It's just a cheat code at life, right? We just want the easy way out, right? Just try harder! Just set alarms. Make lists. If it was important you'd remember. If you cared you'd be able to do it. Make a reminder on your phone! Just start! Just pay attention! JUST TRY HARDER!

If you've ever said any of that shit, I am coming to your house to smash all your glasses and/or put your contact lenses through the garbage disposal. JUST TRY HARDER. You can't see? You're not trying hard enough.

Oh, you don't need vision correction? I will break your ankle, refuse to let you have any crutches, and yell at you to JUST TRY HARDER TO WALK. YOU'RE NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH. THIS IS YOUR FAULT. YOU JUST NEED MORE DISCIPLINE. IF YOU REALLY WANTED IT YOU'D WALK ANYWAY. You're obviously not even trying. This is your fault, you know.

Death from all causes is higher in unmedicated people with ADHD.

The number of car accidents is higher among unmedicated people with ADHD.

If we lose our jobs (because we can't focus/can't start tasks/can't remember anything for longer than 1.5 seconds because we don't have our medication) we become drains on the people who love us, social welfare (...what little exists), and/or become homeless. The vast majority of people you know who just can't seem to get their shit together and keep doing dumb things probably have undiagnosed and/or untreated ADHD.

"I don't understand how someone so smart is doing so badly. I don't understand how you keep being late despite all the warnings we've given you. I don't understand why you're so careless and keep losing things. I don't understand why you monopolize conversations and talk so much. I don't understand why you can't pay attention. I don't understand why you can't do something this simple. I don't understand why you won't do your homework. I don't understand why your house is such a mess. I don't understand why you're failing when you're this intelligent. It isn't that hard."

I'm tired.

I'm so fucking tired.

I am so fucking tired of living life on hard mode.

I have known for years now that my entire life is dependent on access to 10mg, 3x a day, of a specific brand of a specific amphetamine cocktail, and that access to it could be yanked out from under me at any moment, and nobody but me (and a few people who love me) would care.

Because ADHD isn't real, right? You just need to try harder.

[turtlemagnum]

theres something about how much my mom complains about her shitty ex making everything about him, and while thats definitely true she also always makes it all about her when im talking with her. shes definitely nowhere near as bad as him in the vast majority of regards, but with this specifically it's hard to be around her. the vast majority of the time, she wants to talk about what shes done at work and thats it, and if i try to change the subject she just, ignores me. i just asked her if its intentional, we've both got adhd and shes unmedicated so i try to give her some slack on that front. she said that it is, in fact, intentional.

im spiraling right now. i feel like im not a priority in anyones life, not even my own. even when im around other people, i feel really, truly alone. nobody in my life seems to know much about me, nor do they really seem to want to know. i try reaching out. i try, and try, and try, and at best i get a crumb of recognition. it's like they dont see me as a person, or at least not the person i am. whenever they tell me they love me, i cant help but feel like the person they love isn't me, just the idea of me. i'm not turtle to them, im not me. im their son, their grandson, in their minds i'm the little boy that i havent been for almost as long as i've been able to form memories. he's been dead for years now, so i'm estranged from "myself"; the "myself" that they still cling to like their life depends on it

i took a break writing this for a while. i was still staying over at my mom's when i first wrote the preceding text. now, i've been sick for the past week or so, and to be blunt it's fucking sucked. i've been tired for a while now, long before being sick. the sickness has unequivocally made it all far, far worse. the yearning i feel is killing me, like a snake slowly constricting my heart and lungs. i've at least started to shave and shower again, i didn't for a few days because i felt too sick to really move and i didn't wanna shower and get my grandparents sick. they're sick regardless, so i guess there's no real loss there. i feel so worthless for my lack of productivity, i want to move, i want to write, i want to fucking do things, and it's gotten so much harder. i'm on the tail end of the physical sickness, but it's undoubtedly made the mental shit that much worse.

i feel like i need somebody else like me. someone who cares so much about everyone around them. someone who always tries to be there for everyone else, even if they're not really there for you. someone i can talk to consistently, without having to anxiously wait for. maybe i'll never find them. i hope i'm wrong