#i ask myself this exact question pretty much every day anon lmao

[bunnyboy-juice]

Hey I've been mutuals with you and your butch for a long time, but I'm bigender man + woman, is it okay if I continue following, or would you prefer I softblock? My gender makes seeing "men dni" and "woman dni" blogs really confusing because I never know if its supposed to apply to me, so I figured I would just ask ❤️

this is going to be kind of long answer - this is loaded and i want to give some perspective so I'm putting it under a read more so it doesnt clog up anyone's feed. also recommend reading the tags cause i ended up putting some footnotes in there lmao

so first things first: even tho my butch and i are married i dont speak for her. we hold very similar thoughts and views (bc i would not be with her otherwise) but ultimately I speak for me only. if you want to ask her something, ask her directly please. this isnt @ u anon, this is a general disclaimer bc its actually a very big pet peeve of mine that ppl expect me to talk for her since we are together. we are whole ass individuals and yes we are building a life together but that doesnt mean we have the same brain or the same exact reasoning for things.

as for the "men DNI" part: this, along with all other DNIs of mine, is a boundary that i choose if and when to enforce. my boundaries for followers are all pretty much public somehow. my personal reasoning for using "men dni" in my bio, like many other kinky nsfw dyke blogs on this website, is that i want to discourage as many men as possible from trying to interact with me here in the quickest way possible bc this is my silly little space where i can explore my sexual fantasies and those do not include men and i largely do not feel comfortable with men following me or interacting with these parts of myself (key word here being largely, this will come up later). this is similar to my "[specific kinks] DNI" - these are boundaries that are my responsibility to enforce as i deem fit.

that being said i do check for age/gender/etc in each blog that i notice trying to following me and, in that moment, handle it according to my needs. and sometimes that means that i decide to reject my own boundaries and allow certain ppl into my little space and sometimes enter theirs as well. i take an approach to social media where i tend to watch who interacts with me bc this is my space and, just like I'm not letting anyone into my home, im not just gonna let anyone follow me. i do risk assessments in every part of my life and that includes my online experience.

i also am aware gender is complicated. i mean i am literally an intersex transmasc femme who takes T on and off, uses "masculine" language often, etc. i get its way more complicated than "man/woman" so thats why if you look at my pinned (which has a short list of things ppl will be blocked for separate from my DNIs) you'll see that gender identity does not come up there aside from the pls dni of MLM bc ive had some gay guys interact and i prefer it not happen but also sometimes it happens 🤷🏽

basically the shortest answer is: if u are bigender and not just following me but we've been mutuals for a long time chances are i checked ur blog and felt comfortable with having an online relationship of some kind with you. if you are uncomfortable following me because I have that in my bio i literally do not care if you soft block me or even full block me. take care of yourself how you need to. breaking mutualship literally has no effect on my day to day life unless we have become genuine friends outside of this space - but i am assuming we haven't considering this question is (1) even being asked and (2) being asked on anon

[sparxwrites]

I'm not sure if you've answered something similar before (I can't find it if you have but knowing tumblrs terrible search function that's not saying much) but why do you write such dark sexual stories? What is it that you find so appealing in these twisted tales? Please understand this is from a point of good faith - I'm not judging and I enjoy dark stories and erotica both, only seperately. I'm just morbidly curious as to why you enjoy the combination as I see no appeal in it personally

oof, just a nice easy question to answer on a friday night, anon. okay. there’s a lot of answers to this question, depending on how personal i want to get and also like... which stories you’re talking about.

some stories i write that could be considered “darkly sexual” are categorically erotica. stuff involving weird, niche kinks, or monsters, or “dub-con” (which is not a real thing, i know, it’s a fantasy erotica thing)... the appeal there is, idk, whatever the fantasy is. they are, in my mind, written as fantasies - a fic where a character doesn’t want sex and then ends up "enjoying” having a monster lay eggs in them is obviously not what happens irl. eggs aside, no one ends up actually enjoying sexual assault. they’re written (from my side) with the air of “irl this would be Utterly Reprehensible, but what i’m essentially writing here is like... a roleplay session between two consenting partners where i am both partners”. it’s all fantasy! it’s all fake! it’s a bdsm scene or whatever where they’re both pretending/playing a role, except it’s just me writing it out with little finger puppets (either for my amusement/titillation, or the amusement/titillation of others).

then there’s... Other Stuff. see also, a lot of my percy and ripley fics. and i find it interesting that people often read those as fetish stuff because, whilst they do have sex in them, those are fundamentally horror stories. the appeal i get out of them is the same as whump/darkfic. when i write about horrible, traumatising sex where one person clearly doesn’t enjoy it, that is not a sexual fantasy for me. characters roleplaying at it, sure, me playing fingerpuppets with it, sure. but something deeply and fundamentally focused on the trauma and violation of that kind of thing is not, for me, sexual (and if what you’re getting off on is the actual nonconsent, rather than the playing at/silly version of nonconsent, i have some questions/concerns. this seems like a weird and not-really-there line, but it’s surprisingly obvious and disconcerting when someone/a fic crosses it tbh). what i get out of that is a deep sense of catharsis. i’ve gone into why i think i (and others) get this catharsis a little in my meta tag and this specific post - but, at the end of the day, i don’t exactly know. 

i think, perhaps, it is that i am a very sad person sometimes, and a very angry person sometimes, and in real life i spend a lot of time keeping both of those things hidden and pressed down, and... there has to be some kind of release valve for those emotions. with fiction, i have a safe way of managing that, both reading and writing - i can be both aggressor and victim, no one gets hurt (i find the thought of hurting people abhorrent; i nearly passed out once because a stranger was in pain from a dislocated shoulder, despite the lack of visible injury. hyperempathy is wild), i get to work through a whole bunch of psychological shit from various stuff i won’t go into... i often refer to writing as a release, or a valve, or a way to ease the pressure inside my head, or a form of venting. 

as to why sexual assault often shows up in these stories... i do frequently write whump without sexual assault, but it’s also like. a) a bunch of personal stuff that i don’t give enough of a shit to talk about, but it’s there, and b) sex and sex-adjacent stuff (often rape and assualt, but even consensual stuff!) has such a fascinating way of crystallising character/power dynamics, or stripping people bare, or exposing vulnerability, or dragging up really awful, messy, scary, painful, confusing stuff. and that makes it often a really good target when you (like me) want all those emotions in your writing because you’re using it as a pressure-valve vent, and as a way to safely experience and work through them. writing about difficult or traumatic relationships to the self, the body, to sex and to other people... sex is really good for all of that stuff. idk.

also, sometimes fics end up a weird mix of the two. i can’t think of any off the top of my head for cr, but for yogs (my previous fandom) i wrote a handful of things for a character that was essentially straight out of a horror movie and another monster character, with some real questionable consent stuff. 50% of that was “this is horrible and manipulative and just. really fucking Awful” and 50% of that was “hrnghghgh tentacles hot” so like. yknow. my brain is a weird mess i guess, is the takeaway message here.

(sometimes, there’s also an element of “can i get myself into this headspace” or “this is an interesting technical exercise” - i wrote something a while back about ripley masturbating to the memory of torturing percy, and that falls into this category. that wasn’t a fetish/fantasy thing, that was a character study, using sex as a medium to work through ripley’s obsessive, violent thoughts and strip away the veneer of imparitiality she so loves to pretend she has.)

idk how well this explains it - this is something i spend a lot of brain-power analysing on a regular basis, because i am constantly nosy about how my brain works and why it works in these weird, angular, fucked-up kinds of ways (not just with writing, the adventures of being autistic means i spend a Lot of time analysing myself to make sure i’m calibrating my interactions with other people correctly). i still haven’t entirely worked it out, and a lot of the stuff i have worked out is personal/messy enough i both don’t want to and can’t be arsed to explain it to strangers on the internet. i hope it’s given a Bit of an explanation tho, and if there’s a specific fic that prompted this comment, feel free to ask me about it specifically, bc i might be able to offer a little more insight as to my thought processes for like... a specific example i guess.

[kbsd]

not sure if you’ve answered this before, but what’s your process look like when you make an amv? i’m just curious and in constant awe of ppl who can make videos like you do :)

hello all!!! i have answered this before and i have a vid help tag with other asks i’ve gotten about stuff like this! but i’ve gotten several more messages along these lines so i’m just going to answer a bunch of them together (under a cut since i love to ramble about editing lol). i do just wanna say i’m definitely not the authority on video editing and obv everyone has their own techniques!

edit: i just finished typing all this up and it’s SO long so sorry in advance LMAO god bless anyone who reads this entire thing

so i work in news tv and we have a very specific workflow for writing scripts, sourcing video, producing, and editing. i’ve just applied that to making amvs! for every video i make, i copy the song lyrics into a google doc and adjust them to match the song i’ve cut (i often will trim songs for time and/or content purposes). then i start planning! i’ll mark down what clip i want to use for each lyric next to that line, and any sound bites i want to use (with episode numbers!). i’ll color code between video and sound bites and lyrics, so my scripts end up looking something like this (for my honeybee amv):

doing the planning ahead of time makes everything much easier when it’s a video that spans the whole show or involves a lot of sourcing, like honeybee or sports analogies. that way when i get to the actual editing process, i already know what i’m going to do and have a game plan. for videos like happy ending or believe it or not, where i’m mainly just pulling from a few episodes, i can just plan it in my head as opposed to writing it all down, and produce as i edit. obviously i do make in-the-moment decisions while editing—sometimes a shot doesn’t work the way i thought it would, or i go where the video takes me—but planning ahead definitely helps. i know some people use spreadsheets as well, with columns for lyrics, video clips, and sound bites if applicable. once you find a system that works, it actually goes pretty quickly.

as for sourcing clips themselves/finding clips within episodes, i talked about that here and kind of here. the short version is that transcripts are a must, and the supernatural wiki is hugely helpful by cataloguing all the hugs, prayers, phone calls, etc. in the show. gifmakers that tag episode numbers on their posts are your friends. it gets easier the more video you make—that’s another huge reason i make the google docs for each video (even the ones i plan in my head, i end up going back and making a loose script with episode notes just for reference). if i can’t remember where something is but i know i used it in another video, i can easily reference past scripts!

i also cut all my videos in the same project in premiere pro, so i can flip between them easily. instead of checking a past script, i can just go to the video sequence itself and copy the clip i’m looking for! this was especially helpful when i match cut together the 5x18 and 4x22 wall slam shots for my bestie video, and then stole it from myself for honeybee hahaha. at any given time i have at least 8 sequences open:

because of the sheer volume of videos i make, it’s worth it for me to download the entire show—i have all 327 episodes in HD, plus deleted scenes. if you think you’re only going to make a few videos, i’d start with scene packs. you can usually just google “destiel [or whatever ship/character you’re looking for] scene packs” and there will be any number of ones you can download. if you need other specific scenes, you can always download/torrent individual episodes or screen record netflix (that’s what i did before i got HD download links). i’m happy to share my links if you DM, but be warned it’s a lot of disk space (about 500GB on my hard drive). someone also compiled every destiel scene, downloadable here.

having every episode already loaded in premiere for all my projects also makes it a lot easier to source clips. once i use a clip in a video, i’ll put a marker on the episode file, so that after a while i have most of the important scenes/lines marked to easily find them. to give you an idea, this is my episode file in premiere for 12x10 lily sunder has some regrets (markers at destiel scenes, the car fight, hot girl cas, etc.). markers are the green tabs along the bottom:

premiere also lets you color code and name markers, so ONE DAY i will go back and color code them all. the ones above are all the same color, but in a perfect world, i’d have a myraid—for destiel shots like hugs, touches, looks; for important pieces of dialogue; for action shots; etc. but for now this works ok for me, so that’s a project for another time!

between detailed scripts, one giant premiere project, markers, the wiki, and my own memory, i have so many points of reference that i can usually find any clip i need in about 2 minutes max. sound bites are often harder to start out, or tiny specific shots i haven’t used before, and that’s when i turn to tumblr gifsets or beloved mutuals to crowdsource. but if you’re as obsessive about marking/keeping neat scripts as i am, it gets easier and easier with every video you make. that’s part of why i’m able to cut videos together so quickly. (also i want to stress i do this for a living and have to produce/edit a new piece for my show every day so i’m used to it. and compared to constantly updating content/sources and news that changes every day, 327 highly documented episodes that never change are much easier to handle hahaha)

this is all great for me since i make so many videos and plan to continue doing so, but if you’re only making a few, this level of work isn’t worth it imo. really it’s all about developing a system that works for you. whatever you do with episodes/sourcing, though, i cannot recommend planning things out in a script ahead of time enough. 

everything i just mentioned is producing, though. for the editing process, i usually do it in this order:

music first. any parts i want to cut, i make sure it all sounds smooth

then soundbites. i usually try to weave them into the lyrics—i have characters talk in breaks between lines or instrumental sections as much as possible. i’ll sometimes go so far as looped/extending an intsrumental part to make room for the soundbite i want there lol. if i do have dialogue over a line, i do the sound mixing/levels at this point as well to make sure everything is audible/one doesn’t overpower the other. (also i always include the video that goes with these bites when i drop them in, and decide later if i want to show the character speaking or have other clips cover the dialogue)

once i have all the audio locked in, then i bring in all my other video clips. sometimes i edit completely chronologically, sometimes jumping from section to section—it depends on the song or how i’m feeling

double check sound mixing. i usually listen to my videos through a few times, with headphones and without to make sure it’ll sound good no matter how people watch it

once i have picture and audio lock, i go through and color correct my clips. i’m basic and just use lumetri color in premiere, and usually just play with brightness, saturation, temperature, and tint until i like it

render and export! :)

i always have several audio tracks, but i try to keep my video tracks condensed. i’ll drop clips on a V2 level, and edit a section there, and drop the whole chunk down to V1 so i know it’s finished. that way when i leave and come back i can know where i left off/what’s done/etc. to give you an idea, this is the timeline for my what the hell video:

i always render as H.264 with high bitrate, and make sure to check “render at maximum depth” and “use maximum render quality” for the best quality. i’m sorry, but i don’t know what the equivalent options are in final cut, imovie, kdenlive, etc. i post on youtube mostly so i don’t have to sacrifice quality, but usually just using a lower bitrate will get you under the tumblr file size limit and it’ll still look good.

as for the anon who asked about “polishing”: first of all, thank you!! second of all, it’s in the details. all of this is a matter of taste and my own insanity, but here are some little things i always try to do:

after i color correct, i blur out any credits from the starts of episodes. i use gaussian blur for this, but really any blur tool works

as much as possible, i avoid clips where we see a character’s mouth move but don’t hear the words. in tv/film we call it “lip flap” and i just think it looks messy. also i’m trained to avoid it at all costs at work hahaha. it’s more for serious videos that this matters a lot to me (e.g. i think i did a really good job eliminating lip flap in my happy ending amv)—for comedy videos i don’t sweat it as much

i put audio fades on the start and end of every single audio clip i use, even if i don’t think i need it, to make sure everything sounds smooth

i use markers for timing, especially in action-y videos like what the hell. i’ll put a marker on the clip i’m using at the exact moment a punch lands, and in the song on the beat. if i have the magnet/snap in timeline tool on i can just easily snap them together instead of having to spend time finagling it

this is such a small thing but i dip/cut to black for a tiny bit at the start and end of every video. this way if i post with tumblr video player, there’s black between the loops, and it gives you a beat before the video restarts. i do this even on videos i post on youtube, just because i think it looks nicer/more professional

this is 1,500 words so i’m going to stop myself before i pull something. if you have follow-up questions feel free to ask and i’ll continue to add them to the vid help tag, but any more questions about sourcing clips or my process in general i’ll just link this post going forward. anyone who made it this far, i am sending to a telepathic kiss. thank you for reading and happy editing!

[fictional-worlds-are-exquisite]

i am very much enjoying my vague void! it's currently blasting hozier at full volume and that's almost louder than my internal screaming (don't worry, everything is fine, i just saw a spider)

i've never once in my life have followed a recipe correctly. all of my measurements are completely random and whatever happens happens. it is no longer in my hands. whatever eldritch entities exist take the wheel. and i absolutely refuse to spell anything in english without autocorrect because y'all have way too many double letters and random vowel placement

thank you! sadly, i won't have a break right now, because we just had christmas vacations, but the start of the new semester is always pretty chill. and you're absolutely right, i should take up necromancy! the snow and the cold will add to my mysterious vibes. i just need to get a big black cape with a hood to complete the aesthetic

i definitely picture everything above 5'6 feet as the same height. 5'7 and 6'2? the exact same thing. no difference here

how is morepork a real bird name. it's just... more pork? but the bird is magnificent. i completely approve of your first order as bird queen, not that you need approval from mere peasants like me, but it's a great order. ohhh salps look really cool, and it does look a lot like it! when you said boob implant i thought of mermaids and them using salps as boob implants but then i realised wait wouldn't jellyfish be better for that? because of their shape? ignoring their little leggies they're quite boob shaped, no? and then i realised that i was thinking about mermaids and alive boob implants... if i had to think it, you have to read it. i'm sorry

i was sold before but now i'm even more sure that i want to hire you. and I'll make sure to have lactose free cheese for the backflips (unless you want the lactose version? i'm not judging). will the biting of ankles cost extra?

that sounds like a brilliant set-up for a horror movie where they kill off all the children one by one. it's absolutely horrifying. if something like that would've happened to me i would've most likely just passed out. whatever happens afterwards is not my problem. and now i really don't want to know what the hell your leg was caught on because that seems like knowledge that would get me killed

ah so you're a fellow dirt eater? according to my mom my favourite thing to do outside when i was a little kid used to be eating sand. just shovelling handfuls of it into my mouth and crying when my mom made me spit it out. which i refuse to believe. if there are no photos it didn't happen

you warm climate people are starting to make me think that i'm better adjusted to the cold than i thought i am! it's either that or our buildings are better heated. i definitely don't know if anyone else calls hot water bottled hotties but i like it so from now on i'm using it

that's so cute! i was clearly a way more selfish child because when i found any amount of money i just kept it and bought candy as soon as i could. i clearly couldn't save money then and i can't now. we have stores like that (or i'm assuming that they're like that solely based on how they sell lollies) and they used to be my favourite thing because you could get so many lollies for such a small price!! and my mom even used to let me order for myself sometimes so i always felt like a very big girl jsjshsbsjk

also the fact that i can't send pictures on anon is a crime (yes i know why and it's good that that's not possible because can you imagine anons being able to send pictures? oh no is all i have to say about it) but anyways. because i have this one super cursed photo that reminded me of you and now i can't share it :((

duuuuude, sick void bro. sounds like a vibing void. I feel like I haven’t seen a spider in awhile. Other than daddy long legs. But they’re chill. They mind their own business. 

I nearly always follow recipes exactly. My mum is like oh cook this for about 7 minutes? Yeah sure. I’ll take a wild guess. I’m like they say exactly 7 minutes so I’ll set a timer for 7 minutes and start a stopwatch so if it does seem to need more than 7 I can keep an eye on the extra time and be aware of exactly how long it takes me for next time. Other people are like oh let's see I have [lists 5-10 things in their fridge], hmm...oh I know what I could make with that! I’m like I have beans in my freezer because one recipe required them and no other recipes I know how to make do so what am I supposed to do with these now,,, this is stressful,,, basically I barely know how to cook and recipes are the only things saving me in that area. That is entirely fair. Except for the fuck duck, and murder is not the word you want surely, situations, it’s pretty helpful.

Ohhh I see. At least the start is chill! For a little! Before your entire situation spirals out of hand and you’re behind in every class and it’s taken you a whole day to read 10 pages and you’re exhausted and it’s only week 2. Just me? ok. fair. anyway. I want a cloak so bad. One of my uni friends tempted me to class because she said she was wearing a cloak so my depressed ass honest to god dragged myself out of bed and to said class just to see it. It was worth it. They’re incredible. Everyone should own a big cloak for the aesthetic.

I’m glad it isn’t just me hahaha. I can visualise my own height in feet but everything else is just the same size that is a vague amount taller than me, mentally.

It’s also known as the ruru. But the name morepork amuses me. It’s named after the call it makes haha. It does sound like it’s asking for more pork if you know to listen for that. thank u for ur approval, it means a lot, turns out becoming bird queen didn’t ACTUALLY get rid of my anxiety disorder weirdly enough so validation is great! lmaooo. What if the jellyfish stung them tho? At least salps wouldn’t do you dirty like that. The mermaids would just look like there are hundreds of bugs crawling around in their boobs, flesh shifting as they float around. Which is a vibe. If you’re into that. Jellyfish WOULD make a more solid, single, implant, some of them are definitely boob shaped. But that’s kinda boring no one’s gonna be traumatised by that. Salps on the other hand...yeah, that sight will DEFINITELY traumatise someone.

To be PERFECTLY honest I haven’t done a backflip in years but for lactose-free cheese? Dude. I’ll be going back to training. Gonna be the best backflip you’ve ever seen. As long as it’s not Tasty cheese I am content, but lactose free IS better. The biting of ankles will not cost extra, it is a pleasure to be allowed to do that.

Oh it absolutely would be. It’d be very funny if it reached the wider world bc people would probably be like ok but who would send kids into the bush like that,, it’s an odd concept. meanwhile everyone who grew up in nz is gonna be like y’all, you’re not gonna fuckin BELIEVE what i experienced growing up, it’s real dude. On one hand, I feel like murdering kids in a movie is questionable, on the other hand, It exists, so maybe people would be down for it. I feel like it’d be a good concept even if it wasn’t murdery tho. Like psychological horror? I’m not sure if I’m using that category correctly I don’t watch much horror. A kid following the rope but then being shifted into a different horror dimension but they never take the blindfold off because their teachers said not to and they’d probably have to let go of the rope to do it...I feel like this could work super well as a short film. The viewers see everything. The child just knows something is off and no one is coming when they call for help. I am so down for this. I also do not want to know what my leg was caught on. Some things I am better off not knowing.

yes! I am a fellow dirt eater! We had a sandpit at home (that’s a little bold. It was a large plastic shell that my parents filled with sand. technically a sandpit. but not fancy sdflsdkfsdf) but I don’t think I ever tried to eat it. Then again, I possibly did and just don’t remember because there’s no photo evidence of that one. I’d have to ask my parents sdfhsjdfs, I would however fully believe them if they said yes. it’s very characteristic of me. I don’t doubt it for a second. muuuum that’s my emotional support sand don’t make me spit it out smh the disrespect these days.

Oh I’m absolutely terrible even by most people’s standards around here when it comes to cold and hot temperatures. I remember sitting in the sun in my school shirt and school jersey in summer on a blazing day like it’s a bit chilly, isn’t it? Meanwhile my friends were in the shade absolutely dying from the heat. Likewise in winter I’d be shivering, teeth chattering, dying with my long sleeve thermal, my school shirt, my school jersey, my school jacket, my longs, warm socks and sneakers and gloves and school scarf while ppl would be walking around in a shirt and shorts like it’s a bit warm this winter huh? my body didn’t learn how to thermoregulate and it shows. But yeah NZ does also have a reputation for shittily insulated buildings and such. It shows. skhdfsfs if it’s not common use maybe don’t say can i have a hotty to someone without context but otherwise go ahead lmao. it’s a fun shortened version.

I was typically a very good saver, to the point where my extended family started gifting me gift cards and vouchers for Christmas and my birthday because if they just gave me money I’d put it in my bank account to save towards uni once I hit like, 12 years old. Which I think was a smart move. But apparently, I’m supposed to buy myself ‘something nice’ with it. I think I’m still an okay saver but I’m not as strict anymore. I’m aware of how much I can spare and I’m not just like you can never get anything for yourself ever, so I do get lil things for myself sometimes. oooo yay! At least you know what I mean. But yes. They were the gold mine for lollies. Absolutely terrific stores. My mum would be like hey lindsey how about you order? And I’d be like mother, I am 7 years old and I have an undiagnosed anxiety disorder everyone assumes is child shyness why would you think I would want to do that. Instead I will whisper my choices to you. After therapy tho I felt pretty rad for picking my own lollies by myself. I was like 13 at that point but sdfkjhsdf listen I got there in the end.

sdfkjsdfkjhsdf I like that a cursed photo reminded you of me. That’s all I need to hear. Tumblr said no anon dick pics but they also said no anon cursed photos either,,, very sad. for the latter part. the first part thank god. If I could turn on photos on anon I absolutely would just to see this but I don’t think I can :(

[kuroopaisen]

HEY it’s me the anon from a few days ago that told you they’d panhandle for the in between crumbs 👨🏻‍🦽 i read pt 1 again while i ate lunch after work and omgncnsms i forgot how much i loved them lowering their walls (and the hesitation that comes w sharing something personal,, tbh not me i just be sayin shit sometimes yk MFNSNSN) but i rlly wanted to ask how long the writing process took you (in general and for this fic), what order you wrote all the scenes in (1/2)

and your favorite scenes from the fic 🥺 or rlly anything you want i love hearing ppl talk abt their writing 🥺🥺 i might send more asks as i inevitably reread the series tho LMAO i woke up today and told my best friend (who’s been lobbying for me to watch more than half of season one,,,, My Bad) that i was rereading this fic for The Serotonin 🤝🤝 also to avoid confusion i’ll call myself pan anon for now!! (2/2)

PAN ANON that’s so cute!! real talk, thank you for showing so much interesting in this fic? it’s my lil baby, and honestly hearing that you’re literally re-reading it is so wild to me,,, i have trouble conceptualising it? but thank you so so much you’re so sweet :( i’m so glad i could provide you with that precious Serotonin, that’s all i want to do,,,

you’ve given me the space to ramble so ramble i did,,, and therefore it’s under a cut fklfds i’m so sorry but also thank you so much (if you do want to ask more questions, don’t be afraid to! although this is,,, v long so i completely understand flkjsklfj)

how long the writing process took

in general: depends on a lot of factors, to be honest! how inspired i am, how long it’s going to be, how developed the idea is,,, generally, I tend to work on fics when I’m inspired to do them, or i won’t touch them for a long period of time. so, it’s hard to give an exact timeframe.

for example, iwaizumi’s birthday fic (ataraxia) was banged out in about a day? concept, writing, everything – mainly because i was on a timeframe, but also because it’s a relatively simple fic. simple premise, gentle but simple emotions, simple outcome. and, because i was inspired (see: under pressure), it was easy to get it all out. albeit ataraxia wasn’t beta’d, which is a bit of a problem for it as a representative of my writing ssjfdklj

something like brat, a more thought-out piece, it might take a week depending on inspiration? brat particularly inspired me (and i wish i’d turned it into a multi-parter now, tbh), so it was easy to get into.

for something like this or little changes, it takes a bit longer? little changes took about three weeks from conception to end product! which leads to…

for this fic: this fic was a bit weird in that i had the idea in my head for a few months? sort of,,, little scenes, and the desire to write something about kuroo and nekoma’s manager, incorporating the theme of ‘an in-between kind of love.’ the actual writing process, however, probably took two weeks?

the first week was pretty lax, and then the second was a whirlwind. It’s honestly sort of a haze because I would write for hours straight? i don’t know what happened, and a lot of the first draft was not good by any means, but yeah. that was one wild week.

poor ren (@/w-yuren – if you haven’t checked her out, please do! she’s the auntie of the fic tbh) proofread all of it over the course of a week because i wanted to get it out by a certain date (i didn’t end up meeting this deadline but Oh Well).

what order you wrote all the scenes in

i didn’t have a particular order!! i would just go for the scenes that i felt most inspired to write. for this fic, it was the scenes that took place more around the middle that i tended to gravitate towards? i found it surprisingly difficult to write the beginning (probably because by the time i got there, i had their dynamic established in my head – meaning that them being strangers was difficult to parse), and i put off the ending because i didn’t quite know how i wanted it to end (the original plan had them going to university – the slowest of all burns).

favourite scenes

so one of my favourite scenes was the one where the reader is having a breakdown in the gym; i didn’t end up doing it as well as i would’ve liked, but it gave me a space to explore some emotions i haven’t really had the chance to in my fics yet. it’s a mini-example, for me, of how cathartic writing can be – before this i’d only written a short daichi fic featuring a reader who had anxiety.

being able to tease out those emotions, but having them received willingly by kuroo, was soothing? and i also enjoyed that it gave me some space to give kuroo his own development, too; we don’t know where his mother is canonically, so divorce is certainly possible. and, speaking as a child of divorced parents, that sort of thing really affects you – often more than you realise. getting to explore that concept without making it the main point of the fic was enjoyable, in some way? it feels like the wrong word, but i can’t think of a better one.

i also enjoyed the scene where kuroo’s feeling down, and both kenma and the reader notice. bc this is a fic and not a full-blown novel, the relationships both kuroo and the reader have with other characters inevitably fall to the wayside, so i enjoyed every opportunity i had to explore the dynamics with other members of the nekoma team. and because kuroo and kenma are so important to each other, it was a joy working out how that’d factor into moments like this (especially since we don’t tend to see kuroo be down, you know?).

I also enjoyed the “ethically sourced” scene just because they’re being such Dumb Teens and i thought the dialogue was naturalish?

i also like the scene at the end of part 2, because i like exploring how we conceptualise love versus how we experience it. kuroo’s very much trapped between the two in that scene, and i think it’s very much something a teenage boy would contend with. especially because the way he conceptualises romantic love makes it something scary, something that could threaten the relationship they currently have.

and finally, i really like the final scene for two main reasons. one, because they don’t need to say “i love you”; they both know. and they know, because they exchange the “i wouldn’t be who i am today without you,” which speaks to their friendship and how they’ve affected one another. it’s also the culmination of both of them realising that it’s okay for them to feel multiple kinds of love for one another, and one doesn’t transcend or smother the other.

two, because it’s a moment of genuine, comfortable vulnerability; something that they’ve always offered each other in one way or another, but it’s usually been one of them comforting and supporting the other. but in this scene, the vulnerability is shouldered by both of them (the reader betrays her vulnerability by giving him a thoughtful present, and kuroo betrays his vulnerability by tearing up and making his confession).  

honestly i had some lofty ideas that i don’t think i totally made good on, but i like these scenes because they gave me the opportunity to explore emotions that i find very interesting, or that relate to my own experiences with love; it’s always been a very strange grey area for me, and since i like to write for catharsis, the in-between was an opportunity to reflect on that! 

i love the friends-to-lovers trope because it focuses on that interplay between different ideas of love, but in a mundane context, what does that mean? how do you draw the line between the two? should you draw that line? 

so i’ve rambled a lot (looking at this wall of text,,, i’m so sorry) but thank for you for letting me indulge myself aslkjd my vocabulary is very limited and i hope i don’t seem like a Tool. 

[senfinity]

Dear Cosette, aka my mother-in-law, mother, and wife, but most importantly one of my best friends (and I guess ‘my little star’ but we never speak of those nicknames alksjdf)

NOTES (1) First and foremost, YES there are going to be periods, and you are going to deal with it because there is no possible way I can go that long without using them >:[ (2) You, especially of all people, know how incredibly awkward I am with emotions and expressing myself, so I hope you will forgive exactly how awkward I sound :( You also know that I am “annoyingly grammatically correct” and can’t help but to sound formal when left to my own devices (SEE) and might sound fake because I tend to always sound fake when I get all deep and proper EVEN THOUGH I AM NOT but you’re not used to me like that so... But despite that just know that everything I say is 100% sincere :((( (3) Don’t make fun of me or I’m gonna fight you.

Unlike you, I don’t talk as I think and I spend an inordinate amount of time picking and choosing the words I say carefully, and you also know my immense love for lists and order, so I feel like the logical place to start is how we first met because honestly when we look at how we started and how we are now and the fact that this isn’t even the end, it’s quite a beautiful love story don’t you think lmao. Every time I think about how we first met and all the circumstances that surrounded it, it always amazes me just how fake... we were alsjdf. It started off with that random Secret Valentine’s anon thing, that not only was your last time doing anything like that, but mine, too. To top it off, you were so bad at replying on time, and I was literally so fake when replying to you and when I look back on it I could tell that you could only talk about Baek, but I could really only talk about Sehun and we were both just overall more-or-less disinterested in the other. But then when you revealed who you were, I thought I should follow you out of courtesy, but then you thought that I was being a fake hoe and following you to get a mutual but followed me back anyways AND IT’S JUST SO FUNNY? That was literally the worst, most shallow, fake, misunderstood-on-both-ends start to a friendship ever; I really don’t think anyone, especially not us two, would’ve thought we would get this far. And it’s just amazing to think that that tiny little coincidence and thing that we did without absolutely any real thought or desire to achieve anything lead us to both be part of a friendship that would mean so much to the both of us. I’m not really sure why it happened and what weird grand power led us to that state, but I sure as heck am glad that it did. I’ll just pretend it was the stars since you love astrology so much lmao.

And I remember when you left Tumblr and I dramatically and immensely starry-eyed..ly sent you that message on kkt, I really didn’t expect much of a reply BUT YOU SENT THIS PRETTY MASSIVE REPLY (well, massive compared to mine at least) that went a lot more into detail than I expected you to reply with, and I remember thinking, “... Why is she telling me so much lksjdf I didn’t ask for this,” even though now I know that you tend to ramble a lot when you’re not close with someone (which is literally the exact opposite of what I do) but that was the start to our string of (unfortunately) essay-long messages that we secretly hated doing. Honestly, considering how little energy I have in general - much to your surprise because you mistakenly thought that I was bubbly and happy and energetic - and your actual lack of desire to be social with that many people from Tumblr, we spent so much time writing those messages, so maybe that was the universe’s little way of nudging us towards each other. And when you think about it, I feel like that is a weird parallel to our friendship now, because for as different and opposite as we are, we put so much effort into each other no matter what, so maybe those messages were a tiny little hint of what was to come.

And it’s honestly just really nice to look at how our friendship has evolved over the last little-over-a-year - and also kind of funny because at each ‘era’ of our friendship, we always think, “Man, we’re so close right now, look at us,” and we act like we weren’t going to go any farther, but time and time again we keep getting closer, and even in the last 4 months between when you wrote your birthday message to me and now, so much has changed, so I can only imagine what more is to come for us in the future. I distinctly remember in the first 3? months of us being friends, we were discussing the ‘levels’ to our friendships, and I think your highest level was ?? 5 or something like that, and I remember thinking, “I’ll probably never get that far - I’m not really the type of person Cosette would like that much probably, so I won’t hope for much,” (which I later found to be not completely true once you finally nudged me to open a bit up to you so that I wouldn’t be paranoid for 500 years that you secretly hate me) but I somehow managed to get here, and idk it just makes me oddly happy and idek how to explain the feeling but before it sounds like I’m accepting some grand award I will just stop there alksjdf.

To continue on with that note (gdi I sound so systematic, I hate myself laksjdf) we are so immensely opposite from each other and yet at the same time we’re just like two peas in a pod, it’s kind of funny. You’re extroverted, love to express your emotions to the ones you love with words, are incredibly caring and comforting, filled with energy and life (but secretly dead inside), have an immense passion and drive, are actually good at carrying convo, >:[[[ funny, have bad memory, can’t spell, old, small brain big heart, always in el bano. And then there’s me - introverted, emotionally constipated in almost every single way, awkward at probably everything tbh, no motivation and zero life, literally has nothing else on her mind other than Sehun and animals occasionally, can’t crack a joke to save my life, great memory, pretentious but amazing at spelling and grammar, young, semi-big brain small heart, never goes to el bano. We deal with our problems differently, the way we talk to each other is completely different, we can’t even talk with that much depth about each others’ biases because when it comes to anyone other than our own we have the emotional range of a teaspoon, you never listen to me when I tell you something >:[, I can’t give you proper emotional support because I am just awful, and just ? so ? many ? things ? that are so opposite to each other? I think the only thing we have in common is that we’re both equally bitter about almost everything lmao (and also emo half the time).

Yet despite all that we always make the time to talk to each other any time we can - honestly if it was possible we’d probably be talking every waking minute - and even though we talk about honestly the exact same stuff all the time, we just love to be in each other’s company no matter what. And to be perfectly honest, I associate my time with you with comfort, warmth, happiness, laughter, and in a weird way home, because that’s honestly exactly what you give to me. Whenever we’re talking, be it about us yelling about sebaek to each other without the other one hearing a thing, or about something we’re immensely bitter about, or just some mundane thing we did during our day, I always feel happy and comfortable, and I don’t even know why but I catch myself smiling (and begrudgingly laughing at your lame-ass jokes :/ that aren’t funny btw) because Cosette = laughter and that’s just how it is >:[ Gotta add the >:[ to soften the cheese >:[ Whenever we’re not talking to each other it feels like something is wrong with my day and like eternity has passed even though it’s honestly probably just been 2 hours lmao. With you time simultaneously slows down and speeds up (//insert you singing Transformer//) and I just don’t know how to explain it? We’ve been friends for a year but it doesn’t even feel that long; when we talk to each other for just an hour for some reason it feels like 5 have passed (in the best way possible) and I really don’t understand how that works, but I guess it just shows that I just really enjoy every moment I spend with you (>:[) and I wouldn’t trade any single moment for anything. Not to mention that when I don’t talk to you, I tend to feel weirdly empty, and those are the times where my odd and sad moods creep back in, and whenever that happens, I always think, “Man, this is why I need Cosette,” because you really just make me forget about all the sadness that’s locked away and I think it takes someone really special to do that, considering I am the most pessimistic fellow around (yes, I stole your word). And it’s cute because we talk so much that we adopt words, phrases, and emoticons that the other use, we adopt each other’s bitterness and general feelings just automatically, and if you’re mad then I’m (ง'̀-'́)ง along with you and vice versa, and it’s honestly such a cute dynamic, I really ship us :( I bet my, and your, nonexistent asses that if we were idols we’d be the best ship, no questions asked.

But of course between the ups in our friendship, there’s plenty of downs, which is inevitable because of how different we are from each other, but I love that no matter what we always come right back out of it and come out even stronger, and I think that that is one of the best part of our friendship? We might be immensely awkward at bringing it up first (though I fail at it 100% of the time so bless your awkward yet brave soul), but we always manage to talk about it and it starts off a little odd but we always make it work. And I think what I love most about you, among the 500 other things that I love the most about you, is that you’re always so considerate and understanding, and are always willing to listen. It’s one of the things that I really love about our friendship because you know me and how I cannot stand for the life of me inconsiderate people who never listen to a thing you have to say and let misunderstandings and ill feelings brew to the point where neither of us care anymore, but we never let that happen, and I just really appreciate that. I know I am impossible to access emotionally, both for my own emotions and to reassure yours, and that I can be a bit careless and thoughtless at times (unintentionally of course), and that I probably do a lot of things that rub you the wrong way because I am wired in a completely different way than you are - but you’ve never once blamed anything on me or wished for me to change, you’ve allowed me to explain myself both in regards to you and in regards to my inner thoughts, and you’ve always reassured me that you still care for me. And that really makes me feel so much more comfortable to slowly show you my emotions - which is near impossible for anyone to do - and I think that says a lot about how much you mean to me and how much I love our friendship. The complete understanding and consideration you have for me is one of the things the cherish the most, and I hope that I’ve been able to do the same for you, because for as cold and awkward as I am and seemingly careless as I may seem, I would never want you for one second to doubt just how important you really are to me and just how much this friendship means to me.

I’m sorry that I can’t always express myself and give you that reassurance when you oh-so-obviously hint at me that you need it, or if I come off disinterested at times, but I hope you know that I am 100% of the time always soft when it comes to you, and I probably think you’re adorable like all the time (what with all your random inst inst insts and outbursts of astrology facts - which I honestly quite enjoy - and little comments you make here and there that are probably nondescript for you but make me smile and get an intense feeling of fondness and all you random little quirks that I could go on and on about) but shh you didn’t hear it from me, and I admire just how strong you really are (war flashbacks to me saying that in my first birthday letter to you alksjdf but I wasn’t lying back then and I’m not lying now either >:[) and the passion you have for what you love (even though you don’t always believe that you really are one strong cookie), and though I don’t strive to be just like you because we already know my little mentality on this, it always makes me proud to think of all that you went through and are still going through but that you still manage to stay on top (I know you think I’m lying but I’m not >:[). I’ve seen you go through incredibly down moods, and I know that I don’t even see the half of it, and it always made me so sad to see someone with so much love and care and passion to feel like they weren’t worth it or that they didn’t have anything going for them, when it’s so much the opposite. But hearing you talk about all the goals you’ve set out for yourself this year and how you’ve gotten this newfound motivation and hope for what is to come, and have been filled with so much more excitement and happiness and a desire to live, makes me so incredibly happy because you deserve to feel that important and deserving every single day. I hope that for all the days you went through those immense lows, that you experience highs 100-fold because you deserve not even 0.000001% less.

Finally, I just want to end this by saying that I really do wub... l*ve... love... wub you (AHHH) and even though that took me the most amount of effort, the fact that you always say it to me and treat me with so much love and kindness masked behind the constant teasing - which I admittedly am endeared by :/ - the least I can do is tough it out and finally say the words that express what I feel. The more I mean those words, the longer it takes for me to say them out loud (or well I guess in print) and just know that that took me like 10 minutes to type out ajsdf. This letter honestly wasn’t as long as I would have hoped it would be, because I know that I have a million things I want to say, but my emotions are scaredy-cats at times and like to play hide and seek on me, and so I just know I’ve missed out on so many things. But I hope that despite that you know that you mean the world to me; I don’t have many close friends and I have even less favourite people, but I’m proud to say that I consider you both. And so on that note

Happy Birthday, my little star

Sincerely,      (your) little moon