#i can never be open about myself because of my family being unsupportive (to an extent)

[npdlangley]

reality set in lol. i will never be free from my family lol

[cipheramnesia]

a distant family member lives in a different country and recently got married to her wife. i was happy to hear it, but she's been slandered by everyone of her family members not only for being gay, but being proud about it.

seeing the news really made me realize that even if i somehow make it out of my homophobic country, like she did, ill never fully be able to publicly live the "gay life of my dreams" without around a hundred people bashing me and my family. it slammed me back to reality and i was really hurt by it.

any advice?

I can't help with the hurt part, because that's something that's gonna happen a lot when you're queer. This isn't to say "just suck it up and deal," more recognize that modern queerness and modern authoritarianism are constantly at odds. I wish I could recount how often I had the experience you're having now, and my coming out was probably as supportive as anyone could ask. But in the moment you're hurt, take a little bit of time to process it through, and try to let go of the parts of it that want to hurt other people, that want to surrender or become hopeless.

Keep the parts that make you want to help other people. Think about what you can do, even if it's small, that can reduce the same hurt for someone else. You were hurt by people not accepting your friend being gay, which hopefully means when someone comes to you with that hurt, you're there to listen and support them. When someone tells you about being trans or queer or whatever, you're there to support them without reservation. You're celebrating your friend being married in the face of other people too short sighted to see someone else's happiness beyond their own narrow minds.

That is step one, I guess. Take a minute for you, and then use the feeling as motivation to be kinder. About everything, I promise you there's lots of other disenfranchised group who get the same kind of gut punch reminder of other bigotries. Don't burn out, just do your best to have radical kindness.

This is also a learning experience about intersectional matters, about understanding our interconnectedness. There's such a common refrain of "just finding somewhere safe" we all have, and it often translates to geography in ways that ignore complex cultural differences. You know where in the world I can move and feel legally protected as a trans person? Nowhere. Like, maybe Ireland if the rising tide of authoritarianism doesn't reach it, but reasonably I operate on the assumption being a trans person is never going to be 100% safe for me, full stop, for my entire life. And I am lucky I could move to somewhere at least moderately safe for me personally.

The larger message to take from this isn't "we are never safe" but rather that we need to recognize that a world where diversity exists without being in danger of oppression or violence isn't going to be divided along any clear lines like geography. Being safe could be based on having a safe group of friends, a supportive community. And people can't all pick up and move their lives around just in hopes that the statistical generalities are going to line up for them in some new landscape. And people often just can't pick up and move full stop.

Take that shock of experience and use it as a lens for the larger world to understand more clearly - divisions do not make any of us safe. Assimilation doesn't make us safe. In the largest sense, we make each other safe with a large and open and welcoming community

Which brings me to my last point, and this one isn't for everyone. However, what I think your friend knows is that part of being openly gay, part of being visibly queer, is a form of shielding people who come after us.

Your friend has a shitty family, and that sucks. Every day I ask myself what the fuck is wrong with unsupportive families and I still don't know. She also probably knew, to lesser or greater degrees, that they weren't going to be supportive and she got married for her happiness, not for them.

But also, probably somewhere in that group of family members being assholes there's one or two queer people afraid or unable to live their lives, and for them your friend is a little ray of hope. Maybe they'll come out themselves. Maybe not, but maybe their kids will. Maybe next time they're watching a politician rant and rave about the evil queers, in the private space of their own vote, they'll vote against it.

And when your friend and her wife are out shopping, it's a little ray of hope to strangers. It's a regular person to people who never saw a gay couple. It's something that might make a little difference and lead to a big difference.

Your friend didn't get married to be a symbol, didn't deserve to have a shitty family, and I can see where that could be a system shock if you hadn't run across that kind of virulent bigotry previous. But your friend is living the gay life she wants to with her lovely wife and, I suspect, supportive friends.

What's the final synthesis here? Well, the world feels pretty fucked up right now, and I think all of us, not just queers but really like everyone under this sorta I guess more open authoritarianism, gotta try and support each other as much as we can. That little bit of happiness or that spare dollar or that brightly colored badge may not feel like enough, but for someone out there it is, y'know? We do what we can because it's enough for someone.

[tellywoodtrash]

Hi TT.

I recently came to terms with the fact that I am queer. I use that word because I haven't exactly figured out what label I fit into. All I know for sure is that I'm not straight. And I'm terrified. Being desi and queer doesn't even seem like something that's possible. I mean openly. I can't tell my family. I tried telling my friends but before I could actually get there it became pretty evident that they were uncomfortable with the topic altogether. I don't have anyone to confide in and even now as I'm writing to you anonymously I'm still terrified someone will somehow trace this back to me and I'll get in trouble. I feel suffocated and I feel terrified that I can never be myself because everyone will just hate me. Do you have any advice for me or any comforting words? And even if you don't I just really really needed to share my truth with someone and your blog seems like a very accepting space.

Dearest anon,

First of all, I am so honoured that you chose to share this part of yourself with me. Thank you so much for trusting me, and you can be assured this is a safe space for you. I am giving you the biggest and tightesttttttttttt hug you've ever had!!!!!

There's lots of noise and conversation on "coming out", but please know that it's in no way a mandatory thing. You don't need to reveal this side of yourself to anyone if you don't want to, until you are ready. Anyway in desi society, talking about one's sex life is taboo; so game the system back: your preferences are none of anyone's business. Your safety is paramount. Only come out if and when you feel utterly comfortable and safe with a person. My biggest advice for you would probably be that you should make sure that you are working towards being financially independent from your family. Even if they are unsupportive (or in worst case scenario, the situation becomes unsafe) you should have the freedom to leave and make your own way in the world. Emotional freedom is more tricky, and that will take more time and effort, but that's for a professional therapist to guide you with.

I am sorry that your friends seemed unsupportive and uncomfortable with the topic. It's saddening and frankly, absurd; because you're still the very same person, you just learnt something new about yourself. Discovering new sides to yourself is all a vital part of growing up, and your friends should embrace this part of you just like they do any other growth you go through! It's possible that perhaps some of them are actually supportive but reluctant to speak in a larger group setting? So maybe you could try talking to those who you think might be open to the idea on a one-on-one basis. If someone is openly queerphobic though, it's time to reconsider your friendship with them. You don't need that kind of energy in your life. Either way, you don't need anyone's approval or permission on this matter any more than you do on your favourite colour or taste in music. And sometimes, you grow out of your friend circles. This doesn't mean you/they did anything wrong; it's just a relationship that has run its course and isn't adding value to your life anymore. You can still have goodwill for them as you part, but you deserve friends who accept and embrace this part of you. So be open to expanding your circle and making new friends!!!!

And oh, please remember to love and accept yourself! As I always say, the longest relationship you will have in your life is with YOURSELF, and you need to make sure that is a happy one. Read more on the subject(s), educate yourself, and surround yourself with media that shows you the joyful side of being queer, rather than just the challenges. (Again, please remember to be safe, use incognito mode and VPNS and alternative accounts rather than the main ones you have all your friends and family on.)

All in all, please know, if no one else got you, you have me (and my friends who follow this blog) in this little corner of the internet, super duper proud of you and always wishing you all the love and happiness and success! 🤗🤗🤗🥹🥹🥹 I hope you live your best authentic life!!!!!!!!!!!!! ❤️♥️❣️💖💗🌺🌷🪷🌸💮🏵️🌻🌼☀️⚡🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈

[helloalycia]

worth the wait [two] // daisy johnson

summary: same as the first chapter – it was too long to post in one so this is the remainder of it!

part one | part three | part four | part five | part six | masterlist | wattpad

"What do you think?"

I raised an eyebrow as I poked my head inside the van, glancing around at the cramped space that had stupidly been turned into a living space. There was also, weirdly enough, a computer in the corner which made absolutely no sense.

"I think I have no idea what I'm looking at," I admitted, before looking to an excited Skye beside me. "What is this?"

She bit her lip to contain her grin as she patted the van's door proudly. "This is my new rig."

I almost laughed. "You're kidding."

Her smile lessened. "I'm not."

Now I definitely laughed. "Skye, c'mon, be serious. Whose van is this?"

Her smile disappeared as she clenched her jaw with annoyance. "It's mine. Sorry it isn't fancy enough for you, your majesty."

When I realised she was serious, I lost my smile and looked between the van and her. "Skye, where the hell did you get a van? You can't even drive!"

Clearly holding in her anger, she began to push past me and slide the doors shut. "He said you wouldn't get it," she mumbled to herself, but I heard.

"He?" I questioned with raised eyebrows. "Who the hell is he?"

"Miles," she snapped, stopping moving and looking to me. "Miles is the one who got me the van. He said it was a bad idea to show you and clearly he was right, Y/N. You took one look at it and laughed. He was right."

I smiled tightly, trying not to get worked up at the mention of Skye's new friend. She'd befriended this 'Miles' guy within the past few months and wouldn't stop meeting with him and his friends. He was in the grade above us, but just like her, he'd skip class and do God knows what.

Ever since she'd been hanging around them, she'd been standoffish and distant. She wouldn't contact me as much when she ran away, and she'd been skipping school more often than usual. They were clearly a bad influence on her, but she reassured me she was in control of her own life and knew what she was doing. Being the idiot I am, I fell for her pretty smile and convincing eyes, but this was getting too far now.

"No offence, Skye, but I wouldn't start listening to a guy who can't even make it to class on time," I said to her with a hint of annoyance. "Why do you need a van anyway?"

"Why not?" she countered with her arms crossed. "I thought you'd be happy that I'm finally taking responsibility. Growing up."

My expression softened. "I've never once said that you had to do either of those things."

"You don't need to say it," she mumbled, looking down at her shoes with a frown. "I know you think it. Everyone does."

I stepped forward, resting a hand on her shoulder and finding her eyes with mine. "Where is this coming from? Skye, I have never thought that. All I've ever wanted for you is to be safe and happy. I'm just worried."

She shrugged me off. "Well, now you don't need to be. I've got this."

"You're seventeen, you should be in school studying, not staying in a van," I said tiredly. "You've been missing so much. How are you gonna graduate?"

She avoided my eyes. "That's another thing... I've been thinking and, well, I don't think I want that."

I widened my eyes with disbelief. "What?"

Still avoiding my eyes, she continued, "I don't think I want to graduate."

I was too surprised to find words so quickly. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"How can you not want to graduate?!" I asked suddenly, finding my words. "It's what you do! It's what we all do!"

She met my eyes with apologetic ones. "It's what you do, Y/N. I don't want to be at a place that makes me feel like shit. I can't keep pretending I fit in when I don't."

"This isn't you," I told her sternly. "We were supposed to graduate together. You're not stupid, Skye. I can help you study. You can't just give up."

"I'm not," she said with certainty. "I finally know what I'm doing. That's all."

I squeezed my fists together to contain my frustration. "And what's that?"

"The Rising Tide–"

"For fuck's sake!" I cut her off, before hitting the van door with frustration.

"Miles has taught me a lot!" she defended. "They do a lot of good, Y/N! I just want to be apart of something bigger. Something that can help me help others. And something that can help me find my family. My real family."

I clenched my jaw, knowing I was too late in convincing her otherwise. Whatever Miles and the others had told her about their stupid hacking group had worked – she was dropping out of high school and there was nothing I could do to stop her.

"You're gonna be going to university and we both know I can't afford it," she said gently. "We couldn't stay together forever, Y/N. And my foster family definitely don't care what happens to me. I don't fit in anywhere."

I looked to her with glassy eyes. "You fit in with me. You always have."

She pursed her lips as she stayed quiet.

"I'm sorry I didn't make that clear enough," I added bitterly.

"That's not it and you know it," she muttered, shaking her head. "I have to do this. I have to figure myself out. Alone."

I felt stupid for letting her do everything she did leading up to this point. If I had just tried a little harder, maybe things could have been different.

"You're not alone though, are you?" I asked rhetorically. "You've got your new pals at the Rising Tide. It's their damn fault you're doing all this."

"They're not as bad as you think!"

"You've changed because of them!" I argued back. "They created a barrier between you and I. It's because of them that you've... that you've..."

"What?" she snapped, glaring at me. "That I'm finally thinking for myself?!"

I swallowed the lump in my throat and straightened up. "Forget it, just– forget it. I've got a midterm to study for."

She snickered harshly. "Of course. Don't want me slowing you down."

I stayed quiet and turned around to leave. I couldn't see past my anger as I left her with her stupid van. 

Of course, the two of us had been friends for a lot longer than that silly argument, so I was quick to realise how much I actually cared about her and her life, and wanted to apologise for how harsh and unsupportive I sounded.

The next day after school, I decided to head over to her foster family's place to hopefully talk to her. I'd had enough time to think about it and knew I was a lot more levelheaded now that I'd had some space.

I knocked on the front door and waited before an older blonde woman answered. I recognised her as Skye's foster mum, Sally.

"Hi, Mrs Collins," I greeted with a smile. "I'm looking for–”

"Mary doesn't live here anymore," Sally cut me off instantly, surprising me.

I had almost forgotten that Skye's foster family knew her as the name she was given by her orphanage – Mary Sue Poots.

"She doesn't?" I asked with confusion. "But I thought–"

"Goodbye, Miss Y/L/N," Sally interrupted, before slamming the door in my face.

I blinked with confusion before turning around and walking down the steps. It had been a while since I last visited Skye at home. In fact, she made sure I never visited her at home. I guess now I knew why. But then where the hell was she living?

As I walked around the neighbourhood trying to think about where Skye could be, I saw a familiar van parked up on the side of the street and put the pieces together.

Guiltily, I approached the van and sucked up a deep breath before knocking on the side. It didn't take long for the door to slide open and reveal Skye herself.

"Hey," I said quietly, noticing her surprised expression. "Can we talk?"

She licked her lips nervously and nodded, before moving to the side to let me in. I climbed inside and watched as she shut the door before settling on the seat in front of me. I looked around and realised the little details I hadn't noticed yesterday. The little things that made this place Skye's and nobody else's.

"I'd offer you a drink, but I don't have any," she joked to lighten the mood, and I couldn't help but crack a small smile.

I breathed out before meeting her eyes. "Skye, I'm really sorry about yesterday. I shouldn't have reacted like that. If I had known that this was your home, I–"

"You didn't know," she said, shaking her head with embarrassment. "I didn't want you to know. It's my fault."

I pursed my lips, watching as she looked away with pink cheeks. It hurt me to know that she was embarrassed when I didn't care about any of this, I just cared about her.

"I want you to know that I respect your decision to join the Rising Tide," I said gently, making her look up. "If it's what you want, you should go for it."

"It is," she said with certainty.

I chewed on the inside of my mouth before asking, "Is there no way you can finish high school though? Graduate with me?"

She shook her head. "I don't want to, Y/N."

"But that's the bare minimum," I pleaded. "Hacking isn't a lifestyle. You need to work, too, and I can promise you that most places won't look to hire a high school dropout."

She leaned back in her seat and shrugged nervously. "Miles isn't graduating either. And he's got some friends who haven't graduated. They're all doing fine."

I looked down and pinched the bridge of my nose to contain my frustration. I promised myself I wouldn't argue with her, but the mention of her other friends was like a trigger.

"What now?" she asked with annoyance, realising I was annoyed. "You clearly have something to say about them."

"It doesn't matter," I said, biting my tongue.

"Sure it doesn't," she played along.

"It doesn't," I agreed.

"Yeah, and the Hulk isn't bright green," she said sarcastically.

I looked up and glared at her. She stared back challengingly, practically daring me to speak. So, I did.

"Your new hacker friends are the reason you're making these choices," I told her straight. "They're the reason you're making a huge mistake. The reason you're dropping out. And for what? So you can hack like them?"

She rolled her eyes. "I know you look down on us, but we're more than that."

"Skye, I don't give a shit about them!" I shouted without meaning to. "I only care about you!"

"Then stop talking crap about my friends!" she returned angrily.

"Why do you care about them so much?!"

"They gave me a place to stay when I had nowhere! They made me feel like I belonged!"

I frowned, anger replacing with hurt. "I always offered you a place to stay. I only ever wanted you to be safe. You never needed to be different with me. You belonged. Always."

She swallowed hard and looked away from me ashamedly. "Well it doesn't matter anymore. I'm leaving."

I breathed out deeply. "School? Our town? Leaving what?"

"All of it," she said quietly. "I don't expect you to understand."

I looked down to my fumbling hands, a tear slipping from my eye. I had never felt so angry at someone before in my life. She was treating me like I was a stranger, as if I wasn't somebody who knew her inside out. She was treating me like she treated everyone else except her new friends. And I couldn't deal with it anymore.

"Fine," I said, before moving to open the door. I jumped out her van and didn't spare her a glance as I said, "Have fun with the rest of your life. Sorry I didn't care enough."

She didn't say anything and I didn't expect her to. With a broken heart and headache, I left and didn't bother turning back.

—

"What do you mean she's run away?"

"I'm sorry, Y/N," Mr Lock said apologetically. "Her foster family got the note this morning. They're doing what they can to find her. She always turns up, you know that."

I knew her family didn't care if she was gone or not, so I knew Skye definitely wouldn't be found. Unlike usual, Skye hadn't contacted me before leaving, so something told me she wouldn't be turning up.

Our argument was over a week ago and I hadn't seen her since. It had been eating away at me the way we'd left things, but I couldn't find it in myself to face her. I had no idea what to say anyway. And I wasn't sure when she was planning on leaving, so I didn't think it was important right now. Clearly, I was wrong.

"I just thought you should know," Mr Lock said with a nod. "The police will come by soon to get a statement from you."

As usual. Except this time, I actually had no idea where she was.

I nodded, my mouth going dry. "Thank you... can I go now?"

He nodded hesitantly. "Of course."

I left his office and headed straight outside behind the bleachers where nobody could hear or see me. The first thing I did was try to ring Skye, but there was no answer and no way to leave a voicemail. I tried several times, hoping she'd pick up, but she didn't. And that's when I remembered the burner phone.

Immediately pulling it out, I turned it on and saw the message from her appear on my screen. I was quick to open it, my heart racing like it did every time she ran away. I knew she wasn't coming back this time though.

Hey, Y/N. I know you probably hate me, but I felt like I owed you this. I said I was leaving and I have. I can't tell you where. And I'm not good at goodbyes. I've had too many of them and I couldn't bring myself to say it to you. I'm sorry I pushed you away. I never wanted to, but I guess some things are inevitable, huh? I've managed to do it all my life, this isn't any different. I'm just sorry if I hurt you in the process. Anyway, this is pretty long and I don't even know if you read it, but yeah. I'm sorry. I wish things could have been different.

The text ended there and I found myself rereading it to myself over and over, her words imprinted in my mind. I knew we'd argued and exchanged hurtful words, but I never in a million years thought she'd leave without saying goodbye. I thought I meant more to her than this. But no. I was just another foster family she ran away from. And I wasn't so sure I'd see her again.

[kimistorm]

My Heart Gone Missing [Chapter 5]

Fandom: Studio Ghibli (Howl’s Moving Castle)

Pairing: Friendship! Howl x GN! Reader

Warnings: Marius is unsupportive and angsty as usual~

Masterlist

“Y/N! You’re insane, you know that?” Marius asked as you put a baseball cap on and turned the dial to the town.

“Your point?” you asked as you turned to the ceramic basin.

“Why would a wizard give you one of his spells?”

“Well, you never know until you try, right?” you asked happily as you opened the door. “Any last words before I leave?”

“You’re-”

“Nope, bye Marius!” you called before you darted out the door.

“Y/N! Stop cutting me off!” Marius yelled moments before the door slammed shut behind you.

You began the walk through town towards the shop that you saw the other day. “Okay, just be polite, ask if they have the spell, if not, run.” You mumbled to yourself as you walked through the crowds of people. You looked down at your feet to avoid eye contact with other people, and when you slowed down, you looked up to see the shop of ‘The Great Wizard Jenkins’. “Okay, let’s do this.” You took a deep breath and then knocked on the door. Moments later the door opened to the same stunted man, er kid, from the other day.

“Hello, how can I help you?”

“You don’t happen to have a spell, do you?” you asked sweetly. After thinking about your sentence you sighed at your vagueness.

“You were that person who ran away the other day, right?” the kid asked gruffly.

“No! You must be confused with someone else.” You said quickly as your hand moved to your (h/c) locks of hair. You gave a small scratch before your hand flew back down at your side. “You don’t happen to have a spell that’ll, uh, I don’t know, hypothetically be able to turn you into, well, an animal, preferably a bird, you know, like, uh, hypothetically speaking of course.” You said quietly while not looking at the kid.

“Are you a witch/wizard?” the kid asked.

“What? No! What makes you think that?” you asked in a panicked fashion. Your hair was slowly turning into a (different hair color) starting from when you scratched it. Magic.

“Only a witch/wizard would want to look for a spell like that.” The kid answered.

“Well, you know, it’s all hypothetical and such. I don’t want it for myself, I’m just looking for a gift, for, uh, for a friend. Yeah! Because I totally have friends, why wouldn’t I have friends?” you silently cursed at yourself for your awkwardness and the conversation that you were having.

“No. We don’t give out spells like that. It’s too dangerous. Especially for that friend of yours, who doesn’t know what they’re doing, unless they are a witch or wizard.” The kid said smoothly.

Darn, he saw right through it, “okay, yeah, thank you. I’m sorry for wasting your time, again. I mean! Not again, we definitely haven’t met before. Okay, I’ll leave. Sorry for bothering you!” you yelled the last part out as you ran away from the shop. Again.

“You’re not as subtle as you think you are!” the kid yelled after you.

“Good to know old man!” you yelled in return.

“Children.” You heard the kid grumble behind you.

“I wouldn’t say that!” you yelled at him, “you’re not older than me!” you laughed when you saw the stunned look on the kids face before sprinting away. You may like to get a rise out of people, but you don’t like the consequences, and there was no way you were going to test out this kids’ consequences.

You quickly weaved your way through the crowd of pedestrians as you ran back towards the little building that housed the portal to your house. As you ran past people you decided that you were going to break in.

Now, to any normal person, breaking into a wizard’s house was insane, but, that was exactly what you excelled at. At least, according to Marius.

You successfully made it to your door without being pursued by an angry wizard, or an angry pedestrian. You casually leaned against the unassuming door and slipped in. “Marius!” you called out.

“Oh, you’re back already. Did it work?” Marius asked in a bored fashion from his bowl.

“Does it look like it worked?” you asked as you threw your baseball cap onto a desk that was steadily getting more cluttered with every passing day.

Marius looked up at you from his bowl in the corner, “I’d say you participated in a marathon because for some reason you thought that running in a marathon was a better idea than asking for a spell.”

“Huh, not too far off.” You mused, “anyways. I didn’t get the spell.”

“No surprise there.” Marius scoffed.

“But, I did get this wonderful idea.” You continued.

“A wonderful idea?” Marius looked at you disbelievingly, “why do I get the nagging suspicion that your ‘wonderful idea’ is actually a horrible idea that’ll probably get everyone killed.”

“It’s not going to get everyone killed.” You retorted, “I’m ashamed that you think that of me! I’m just going to break into the house and get the spell for myself.”

“That is the worst idea I’ve heard in centuries.” Marius said immediately, “and I was best friends with a minnow for like half of that time.”

You ignored what Marius had said and set to work on creating a foolproof plan. You got out some paper and wrote out a rough outline of what you were going to do. It started with an invisibility spell, you’d follow another person into the shop and just camp out by the door until they all left. Once everyone was gone, you’d search for the spell.

You smiled to yourself, this plan could either fail or be amazing. Marius leaned towards the crash and burn end of the spectrum, but you liked the idea of this plan. It seemed foolproof.

“Y/N, are you seriously writing up a plan?” Marius asked from his corner. You simply ignored him, you didn’t need any of his negativity. “Just don’t crash and burn alright.” Marius sighed, “there’s no way I’ll be able to roll my way to the lake if this house falls apart.”

“Glad to know you care about me.” You said as you leafed through your books on spells.

Marius scoffed, “no. I don’t care about you, I just care about my well being.”

“Same thing.” You waved as you pulled out a large book from the shelf. You shoved some papers off of the table and dropped the heavy book onto the table. It was leather bound and the cover was worn and faded from time. If you looked hard enough, you could barely make out an elaborate insignia and some words in an ancient language.

“At the rate you're going you’re going to end up living in a pigsty!” Marius insulted.

You ignored him and flipped through the gold edged pages. The script was small and swirly, and if the yellowing pages had any indication, it was a rather old book.

“Y/N! Stop ignoring me! You’re being such a bore.” Marius whined.

“You try decoding the words of several centuries old writing.” You snapped back as you leaned down to try and read what the script said.

“Why on earth do you have a centuries old book?” Marius demanded.

“What? You think I’m the first witch/wizard in the family?”

“Why are you living on your own then!” Marius yelled in a fury.

You shrugged, “adventure. Independence. Human things.”

There was the sound of indignant splashing and Marius fell silent.

“You didn’t drown yourself over there, did you?” you asked after a few minutes of silence, except for the flipping of pages.

“Ha ha, very funny.” Marius laughed dryly. “What are you even looking for?”

“Invisibility spell.” You replied.

“Great, you’re going to be invisible. Let me guess, you’re going to sneak into Jenkin’s store and steal the spell.” You fell silent and didn’t answer Marius’ sarcastic comment. “Oh my gosh.” Marius cackled in disbelief, “you actually are! Wow, I think we know who won the award for dumbest plan.”

“Be quiet.” You grumbled to him.

“Honestly. I think you have a deathwish.” Marius continued to talk as if he hadn’t heard your quiet threat.

“Nobody asked for your opinion.” You snapped back.

“Ooh, looks like I hit a soft spot.” Marius cackled gleefully, “so, tell me, was it because I figured out what you were going to do?”

“Don’t make me throw this rock at you.” You turned to his corner and held up a rock that you had picked up for exactly this reason.

“You’d miss.” Marius said in reply, but you did hear some apprehension in his voice.

“Shall we test it and see?” you threatened.

“No! I’m good. You can keep your rock. I’ll be quiet!” Marius said hastily.

“You better be quiet.” You muttered darkly and turned back to your book.

You didn’t know how long you spent poring over the small print of the book, but when your back and neck started to scream from pain you decided to stand back up to stretch out your back. You stood up to your full height and raised your arms above you in a long stretch. You rubbed the back of your neck to try and get some knots out of it.

“Did you find it?” Marius’ sullen voice echoed in his bowl.

“No.” You sighed and pulled up a chair next to the book so you could continue flipping through the book. You were only halfway through the book, so you still had some hopes, but it was quickly dwindling.

“Ugh!” you shouted and let your face drop onto the book. You peeled your face away from it a moment later due to the dust that was causing you to sneeze. “This is impossible!” you shouted and stood up from the chair and stormed away.

“Maybe it’s a sign!” Marius eagerly shouted, “you should quit! Leave all the crazy wizard stuff to Howl and the Witch of the Waste!”

“Shut up Marius!” you yelled back and stormed out of the door.

Taglist: @pogpixelz

[sisterssafespace]

This is a different person but I just want to ask. What if you just don’t want to get married? I’m 27 and my mom had one of my cousins in mind for me since I was born. I found out about it when I was 14 and even liked him at the time but it was just a crush that I got over. For over ten years I had to put up with my mom pressuring me to marry him. In the interim he did some things to hurt me as well, but mostly I just was not interested in him or his personality. Only recently did our families give up pressuring me and he married another one of my cousins.

I’m almost 30 now and I feel very comfortable in saying I’m not in any rush to get married. If I find someone I want to spend my life with I won’t shy away from it but if I never get married I’ll be happy as well. I know I can take care of myself. But my parents do not understand this. What’s more important ultimately? Honoring my parents wishes or not putting myself into a life of misery by just blindly accepting someone they pick out for me?

Assalamualaikum beautiful sister,

Your ask ended with a good question that has a very simple answer: Patiently waiting for and accepting Allah's provision and Allah's plan for us is what is most important.

I guess as human beings in general and as girls in particular we tend to overthink and overobsess over future but we forget that Allah swt has already planned it for us.

Tbh I am so glad you said that you'd be open to the idea once you find the right person because when I started reading your ask I was afraid you'd be rejecting the idea completely. Okay, so you are not against marriage but you might be against arranged marriages or your family interfering in your affairs. Understandable. Not too long ago I was in your position and I do understand the frustration of being a single woman in her late 20s or early 30s fighting alone against family, a patriarchal unsupportive society, her own insecurities, the temptations and the deception of this duniya.. unfortunately all you can do is try to be patient, but fortunately this patience is rewarded by Allah swt soon enough 🤍🤍

I say if you are uncomfortable with the idea right now, drop it, do not entertain the thought of marriage but rather focus on improving different aspects of your life, on strengthening your relationship with Allah swt, do something for your career if you are working or pick up a new hobby, take courses online if you can, learn a new language, just keep yourself busy. Marriage is a provision from Allah swt, a rizq, and if Allah swt has written someone for you then he will find you no matter what, and if Allah swt hasn't written someone for you and marriage is not in your rizq in this duniya, then you have already said that you'd still be fine and taking care of yourself (good for you sis! I am so proud of you Allahuma barik ✨).

I hope my answer fell in a soft spot in your heart. May Allah swt fill your heart with calmness and patience and grant you all the khayr in this duniya and the hereafter, ameen.

- A. Z. 🍃

[hawkinsschoolcounselor]

Hi there ‘not queer-baiting’ anon here. I want to apologize. I didn’t mean to come across like I was lecturing you. I’m a queer woman born in 1983, and I was aware we’re close to the same age. I brought up Teena and Shepard because some of those who read your blog might not know those names, who weren’t around when those tragedies happened. I was pretty certain you would know who they are.

As for my what I was getting at, I do think the show itself needs to confirm Will is gay, whether he only admits it privately to himself or perhaps to his direct family. I just think within the universe the idea that Will might not come out to his friends and live as an openly gay boy is a realistic possibility. Like you pointed out, the media back then didn’t have a lot of positive representation. Will had no role models, very little access to accurate information, or a gay community. He’s also from a traditionally conservative State. I can easily see a fifteen year old boy not feeling ready to come out under such circumstances. So, those who talk about the situation like Byler has to happen or else it invalidates Will’s story is reductive to me. The story of a closeted gay kid is just as valid, if disappointing to the modern audience.

I’m hopeful that if the Byers are in California that Will does get to see and experience a more positive depiction of gay people than Hawkins probably gave him. I think that would be a very organic way to open him up more to be comfortable and accepting of himself. I do want Will to come out and be happy, I just want to temper those expectations with acceptance that it might not be the outcome.

Once again, I’m sorry if it seemed like a lecture or that I’m unsupportive of LGBT+ persons and depictions in media. That was never my intent.

I apologize on my end, too. I appreciate you wanting to take the historical context seriously, but I was being defensive, and I overreacted a bit. I get angry when it's suggested that it's unrealistic that Mike and Will could get together. It ends up feeling like the burden of evidence is sky high for a gay couple, but two straight kids just need to be in the same room.

I honestly feel like the story of the closested gay kid is played out, and it sends a hopeless message to the audience in this particular case. On a show where Will has constantly been made to suffer, he deserves more than to accept himself in silence. It would feel to me like he ends the show the way he started, only he's just hiding from a different type of monster. I'm not saying that Will should end up "out and proud" or that he and Mike would dance together at the Prom, but there is a middle ground here that perhaps we're both ignoring.

They've spent three seasons now showing the unique relationship Mike and Will have. People out there still seem to think they're "just friends," but the details make it clear that they have something special that they don't have with any of their other friends. If they didn't plan to go somewhere with this, I can't see why they'd repeatedly build it up. And it's not solely on Will's end, like some people seem to think. Will's homosexuality is actually something we're largely informed of, rather than shown. Honestly, the only part we actually see from him is his jealousy in season 3. It's really Mike who makes all the grand gestures, but most fans don't think twice about Mike being gay. I find that to be an interesting phenomenon. Apparently, in our heteronormative society, you're straight as an arrow until someone says you're gay.

I don't know how they plan to go about portraying this. I feel like there's no way they can really do the journey justice with the time they have. Still, I do believe that the seeds have been planted for both Mike and Will over the years, and they seemed to be priming it to bloom in some way next season. I just can't see the Mike and Will saga going nowhere after everything they've done leading up to it. I don't know if Robin will play a role in this now that she's opened the door for explicitly gay characters. I don't know if a relatively more liberal area like California might play a role, either. I just don't it would be baffling to me to not take this to some sort of satisfying resolution. I just know that they've gone to lengths to show that these boys have something special, and it would make no sense to me to end it with anything else but them together. It doesn't need to be over the top. I don't expect them to be able to go out in public in a place like Hawkins, but I do expect them to show these two boys finally finding peace and happiness with each other.

PS: If anyone out there is genuinely interested in why I feel the way I do about Byler, or any other topics, then please look at my pinned index post. I've talked about these topics too many times, and I don't wish to repeat myself over an over.

[terubakudan]

My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness by Nagata Kabi - Book Review and Impressions

(light reflection) Perfect :D Hoping Tumblr doesn't flag me for this xD

Ok, I'm going to start this off with 'this is probably the first and only book review I'm going to do' xD Because I rarely do read books now, and just as rarely buy them. Also, I would have preferred to buy the English version but alas they only had the Chinese version in stock ^^"

Stumbling upon this on the Internet, I was immediately compelled to buy this, as if I knew I would love it and that Nagata's story would resonate with me.

【Short Version】 I can't recommend this book enough, it doesn't matter what sexuality you are or from what culture are you. Nagata makes sure to tell an honest and 'naked' (without embellishments) portrait of her own personal experiences. How she herself is a college drop-out (having only graduated from high school), pushed herself to live/work while struggling with depression and eating disorders, not being sure of what she wants and feeling that she doesn't 'deserve' things, realizing her own sexuality in that she likes girls, and just not feeling 'good enough'...all through her cutesy and unassuming art style.

I will say again though, cutesy art style aside, the book deals with some very heavy topics. Nagata is very honest and doesn't shy away from the gritty details, and I admire her all the more for doing so. Many yaoi and yuri comics often portray an unrealistic and fetishistic view of the LGBTQ+ community whereas Nagata's story is much more grounded and sincere. This is not an easy read, but it's not an overly depressive one either. Nagata literally struggled for years with her mental health, but ultimately found light on the other side. Not mainly through the help of others, but through her own choice to forgive and love herself.

5/5⭐ Definitely recommend and would read again. And if I could, I'd give Nagata a big hug and a heartfelt 'thank you' for sharing her story.

【Long Version】 While it's written primarily from an Asian (particularly Japanese) perspective, Nagata's experiences are ones that should resonate with anyone who has been through the same or similar things, regardless of one's personal background. And I myself, while being fortunate enough to not have gone through eating disorders or self harm, am no exception.

I grew up in an Asian (Taiwanese/Chinese Filipino) household, while my parents weren't Tiger Parents (no offense but fuck Amy Chua for thinking that's a proper way of raising your children), they still had certain expectations on their children: to find a good husband/wife, have a good education, have a 'stable' career, etc. And while I love my parents very much, I'd be lying if I said there weren't any times where I felt they were smothering me, there weren't any times where they kept on nagging and bugging me for very trivial details. My biggest pet peeve: guilt-tripping me just for wanting to spend time alone.

"For me, my parents' opinion of me is absolute." (NOTE: While I won't be providing exact translations of the excerpts I used here, I'll do my best to summarize the gist of them.)

At the same time, I cared very much about their opinion of me. I made it a point to do well in school, to do things according to their wishes, and just like Nagata, I didn't know what I wanted. This even extended to caring about others' opinion of me, more than my own. In my freshman year of college, I 'went along' with being friends with someone, who while was nice to me, turned out to be a manipulative bitch skilled in passive-aggressiveness xD Being half-Taiwanese/half-Filipino, it was hard to fit in since people always treated me differently, it didn't occur to me I could be choosy with friends, I thought as long as they were 'nice' to me, that would do.

Asian culture is largely a collective one, where we define ourselves by our relationships with others, compared with Western culture (primarily America, I'll be using America as a reference point) where individualism is absolute, where you define yourself as you like. In Asia, it's also normal for children to still live in the same house as their parents well into adulthood, compared with Americans who are expected to move out the house once they finish high school or start college, and they're quite literally 'on their own', having to pay their own tuition, rent, etc. Where I live (Taiwan), it's normal for adults to continue relying on their parents financially well until college. Nagata for instance, while saying her parents really make her feel so pressured, is grateful that she still had a home to stay in (and she's 28!).

If you ask me though, neither a collectivist culture or an individualist culture is absolutely good nor bad. Each have their own pros and cons, and both Asian culture and Western culture could learn a thing or two from each other.

After going through quite a few job applications, one of the interviewers tells her "Ganbatte!" (You can do it!) after Nagata tells her what she really wants is to be a manga artist.

And sometimes that's all we need really, a small gesture or kind remark can do wonders. Even if there's no base or reason for it, it's something worth believing in.

I often have doubts if I'm doing what I really want, if I chose the right major for college, if I'm doing the right thing, if I'm 'good enough'. I didn't grow up with much self-esteem as a kid, and often derived my value from others. But even at my lowest times, a 'you're doing ok' was very reassuring to me, be it from family, strangers, or people I care about. Sometimes that's exactly what we need, it may be small but it could be the difference between continuing to wallow in depression or re-evaluating and choosing to be better to oneself.

I find it's really important to know, that however alone you may feel sometimes, there are other people out there going through the exact same thing. It's something universal, and while a lot of things are really unfair in life, each person has their own lot or burden to deal with. I have a Taiwanese friend who, while being more financially well-off than me, has terrible parents. And I mean parents who are quite so literally toxic, unsupportive of her, and would outright say the worst things to their own daughter.

How depression and anxiety can feel sometimes, we can literally feel like it's impossible to breathe and be in a state of disconnection from the world.

"The sounds that invaded my ears occupied my empty brain, making me unable to think at all."

If you only did what your parents asked you to do, wouldn't days like those be very painful? In the end, only you can understand what you really want.

Nagata's art style is one I would describe as simple, cute, and effective. I personally think had her story been drawn in a more serious style, it would have been even harder to read, much less finish. It's also a choice that has artistic appeal to me, serious subject matter juxtaposed with a 'kawaii' art style.

Nagata also depicts very well her mental state and thoughts throughout her struggle and journey to self-actualization. Depression is a really tough thing to deal with, and sometimes we don't even realize that we have it or if we do, refuse to acknowledge it. In Asian cultures especially, mental health has always been something of a taboo subject and there is a very heavy social stigma associated with it. Nagata herself even said that her parents seemingly refused to acknowledge that their daughter's mental health was in a state of distress. In Japan, there is a concept called gaman (我慢), which is described as 'enduring the seemingly unbearable with patience and dignity', and while it is portrayed as an ideal virtue that inspires perseverance, it can be a source of heavy pressure for others. Gaman also means that you are expected to suppress whatever emotion or negative feelings you have, often for the sake of others and no matter how tough the situation becomes for you. And while I agree that through gaman you can become more selfless for others, it shouldn't have to come at the expense of your own well-being.

I was quite fortunate to have grown up in a more liberal Asian household, but even when it came to mental health, our family also adopted the same kind of attitude towards it, by carrying on as if nothing was wrong, or just not talking about it. And to be honest, there were numerous times I wished we had been more open about what was bothering ourselves at that time. Talking and being open about your feelings is not a 'weakness' but something incredibly brave to do, and it's my wish for that to slowly become more acceptable in Asian cultures, which I know is kind of a stretch, but it doesn't hurt to hope.

Nagata makes the decision to clean herself up, by taking a bath everyday, habitually exercising, and no longer wearing worn-out clothes.

Depression especially can be a bitch. It deprives you even of your physiological needs, like your need for food. Nagata had to struggle with that on top of eating disorders for a long ten years. She ate so little and even felt that she didn't 'deserve' to eat, and at one point, anorexia became hyperphagia, and she would feel so guilty for eating almost expired/expired food. Things that would otherwise be simple to do also end up becoming difficult/impossible to do, like taking care of your personal hygiene, getting up from bed, doing simple tasks etc.

Thankfully, after Nagata realizes that she never truly 'valued herself', she starts to turn over a new leaf. Even just starting with cleaning herself up, she takes this as a form of 'valuing oneself' and her mood starts to improve, which her family also points out. In the end, taking care of yourself is not a selfish thing to do, it can even make you a better person who is there for others.

Nagata meets up with the female escort she hired, as a means to experience human sexuality, which she had always repressed her curiosity for and treated as a taboo subject. (NOTE: And I'm glad that she met a really nice girl for her first time too!)

Sex and sexuality is also a subject that I feel is hard to talk about sometimes, which I think also owes itself to most Asian cultures being relatively conservative about it. I myself have only recently identified as bisexual, which I attribute to internalized homophobia, not wanting to admit I was into girls too. And to be honest, 'coming out' is something I'm still uncomfortable about, because I don't want to risk my relationship with my family and it's still something I would choose to be selective about with colleagues and friends. I'm grateful though that as crazy the Internet can be sometimes, it can be quite accepting and tolerant towards things that we wouldn't otherwise discuss with even the closest people in our circle. Nagata's memoir ended up capturing the hearts of many readers ever since she first published it on Pixiv.

Exploring your sexuality doesn't have to be scary, it should be something exciting and liberating. Nagata decided to take matters into her own hands, and while the days leading up to the encounter made her really nervous and she even considered not going through with it at all, she willed herself to continue, because she wanted to do this for herself, it would be pointless if she gave up after coming so far in her decision to value herself.

And it's these series of actions that she decided to do that ultimately led to her life turning out for the better, it gave her the courage to do what she always wanted: to be a manga artist, which lead to the publishing of this autobiographical memoir, something she wanted to create that would 'make people want to buy this book' and from her own preference for reading stories that 'speak of secrets people wouldn't want to tell others'.

Nagata mentions what she calls 'honey': something that varies from person to person. It could be your reason for living, that thing that drives/pushes you, or even your sense of belonging. It may not be something permanent, but you can always find yourself a new one. (she mentions the last time she had her 'honey' was during her high school days, and while she has grown apart from the friends she made, she has found her new 'honey' in the form of being a full-time manga artist.)

Nagata stumbles and trips a lot on her way to being a better version of herself, but who doesn't? She admits to things not necessarily being smooth, but at least she's doing better than before. And it's that decision to at least try that counts. We don't have to be perfect, we're all human after all.

TL;DR My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness is a honest, down-to-earth, and ultimately hopeful memoir about the struggles of mental health and learning about one's sexuality. It's an amazing book, and very much worth the buy.

A big thank you if you read through all of this too. I know it's a mess and writing isn't exactly my strong point, but hopefully I've convinced some people out there to give this book a read! Please feel free to share your thoughts and I'd appreciate it very much too if you reblog/like this post.

[merlinmyrddin]

How has your community reacted to you coming out? I'm so worried about coming out in mine :(

[Tw gender dysphoria; tw abuse ; tw coming out]

Hi anon! xx

I wish I could tell you it was all rainbows and hugs, trust me, I wish I could. But...

I came out as transgender a first time about ten (10) years ago. At the time, I was living in France, and I already faced some challenges when I came out as homosexual. Some of my friends were supportive, but they had no clue about gender and/or sexuality so it was akward, for everybody. And then they were the others. At the time, my college was really unsupportive, my family was abusive and I was the freak in town. I was told by adults it was my fault if I was beaten up, because I looked liked that. There's a point, especially when you are just a teen in a small town, where people can beat the queerness out of you. And they did, and it worked on me. Up until last year, I was living my life as female presenting in heterosexual relationships. My trauma went this deep... I was so deep in the closest I was crowned Prince of Narnia.

The years passed by, and with it, the common knowledge regarding LGBTQ+ matters became more accessible. When I used to say I was a boy a decade ago, I was met with slurs, jokes, death threats and a significant lack of understanding. Now, when I say I'm a man, people are not afraid anymore to use the "transgender" adjective, people ask about pronouns and a name. Again, it's not all easy, and the lenghty discussion regarding gender identities are inevitable, but I take this as a benediction : I'd rather explain it for six hours rather than being hate-crime within ten minutes. It takes patience...be patient with the people around you. Most of them truly want to support you, but don't understand, and how could we blame them? If someone never experience gender dysphoria, explaining it to them is hard. Really hard.

When I finally came out again this year, things had change then. First of all, I have the chance to be living in one of the most open minded city in the UK, which makes a massive different in how one might experience their coming out. Second, my situation also evolved: I am now managing a few cafes, which gives me a certain amount of confidence regarding coming out in the workplace : from people management to discrimination in the workplace, I have the tools to handle it. Thirdly, as an adult, I have my own found family, and was able to discard my blood one. And my found family is supportive and understanding. For most of my friends/colleagues/social circle, I am the first transgender person they ever met, the first transgender coming out they experienced, so I have the provilege and the challenge to explain the struggles of it to them. It's a never ending coming out, intrusive or sometimes just silly questions, but it's coming from a place of care, not hate, and it's your job to speak about your own boundaries. You don't have to answer all the questions you're being asked, you are entitled to your own privacy. Life has also paid back its debt to me, and it happened that one of my very good friend is the daughter of a transgender woman who's an advocate for trans rights for decades now, which has allowed me to have someone to rely on, to talk about my fears and struggles.

The best advice I can give you is to check your local lgbtq+ association/support group, which will give you the opportunity to speak to someone face to face about it, and to have a physical anchor helping you through a coming out. Then, be ready for people to ask you questions of which you dont know the answers : do not feel like you have to be able to recite three gender studies and essays to be valid. And finally, and it's not something someone who has not come out yet wants to hear, but be prepared to be hurt. From misgendering you accidentally - or not- to bigoted remarks and all this crap, be ready for it.

Finally, something I don't see a lot of transgender people talking about : the relation to your own body post coming out. I came out twice, and twice my gender dysphoria worsen after coming out. When I was not yet out, my dysphoria was lurking but I was female presenting in social environment so they was no real expectations. My dysphoria was between the mirror and myself. Post coming-out, my disphoria is between the world and myself. I felt so self-aware : my voice, my chest, my hips... my ears (gender dysphoria is weird ) asking people to refer to me as "he" whilst checking every reflective surface to see if "I pass". It's why I truly believe having someone supporting you is highly important.

That said anon, or any body else reading this, you are more than welcome to private message me anytime. I have no PhD, no degree, I'm just a working class transgender man working through his traumas, but I'm always here to listen. If you have any questions, even if you think it's silly, or any fears or just someone close to you came out as transgender and you want to support them : please message me, I'll be there. No taboo, no forbidden questions. My own experience is for you to dissect, and if whatever I say helps you, then it's a small victory for myself, for you and for the community ❤

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

Hi! If you’re up for it would u mind helping me figure out my mbti type? Ok so.. I’m fine not knowing all the details of what I’m getting into. I still stress about it a lot, but deep down I think things are gonna work out eventually. i.e just moved to LA last week, lived in a friend of a friend’s apt for a few days & now living in a different friend of a friend’s place with a bunch of men I don’t know until the lease on our apt starts (which was still up in the air until a couple days ago). Don’t have a job or anything here yet I just wanted to see what it’s like

Kind of reckless ig, went on a date w some guy idk yesterday w/o sending anyone my location. I usually don’t go on dates tho bc I hate commitment, like what if someone better comes along but I was already stuck w someone else? Wouldn’t be fair to my partner if I broke up w them cuz of that, but I would be unhappy feeling stuck and unable to pursue the other person. I don’t want to be an asshole like that. Hence why I don’t date. I crave connection & intimacy but I always back out when I feel ppl getting too close

I get overwhelmed by new places/places with lots of things to look at like the inside of a department store. There are too many signs and colors and I end up getting distracted/lost. Not necessarily negative bc I like lookin around, but a pain in the ass when I’m just trying to buy like 2 things n get out.

I feel like a deer in the headlights in most social situations. I like being around ppl but I don’t know how to act or what to say especially if I don’t know them. My biggest fear is being cringe and uncool even tho I probably AM cringe and uncool. But I can put up with a lot. Rude people, messy environment, whatever. Kind of a yes woman, I’m bad at standing up for myself bc I don’t want ppl to dislike me even if I don’t particularly like them. On the other hand, getting into arguments is second nature to me. I don’t mean to start em, it just kind of happens. Constantly. I wouldn’t be able to tell someone their loud chewing is bothering me but ideas and opinions are fair game since they aren’t “real” ig?

I have a fragile ego and it makes me upset to see people my age in my field be more successful than me. It’s one of the things I’m ashamed about, as well as the fact that I know I’ll never be satisfied with a normal, quiet life. I crave novelty & respect & I’m deeply resentful that because of my socioeconomic background & unsupportive family it’s all just a pipe dream & I’m never gonna amount to anything special. I don’t do anything w/o the intention to share it when I’m done, never understood why ppl keep their creations to themselves. But I hate people seeing my process. End result only. I thrive on external motivation but when that’s missing I get depressed & can’t make myself work on any project that I used to be excited about. I think i’m a 3 or 7 if that helps

Hi anon,

I do think 3 or 7 does make sense; my guess would be 7 with a strong 3 or 4 fix.

I definitely think you are an ExxP of some sort; the openness to new experience and spontaneity and commitment-avoidance makes it hard to suspect anything else. I'm somewhat torn on Se or Ne, because you mention sensory overload (not so common with Se) but also the idea that arguing about thoughts and ideas feels more fair game because they're not real and to be honest, I'm not sure if that is more an Se trait (in that...they are not technically tangible realities) or an Ne trait (in that you want to argue about concepts but not address real things). My guess is therefore Ne, but I'd be interested in Ne or Se doms weighing in.

I also think you are probably an ExTP, so probably ENTP, in that...it's really easy to avoid arguments so if they're just happening you are doing something, and my guess is you're just sort of automatically starting debates because that is how you think - you hear an idea and counter it, not out of any malice but just because that's how you engage.

I also find that tert Fe really describes a lot of the people-pleasing/desire for coolness and lack of cringiness. Low Fi tends to just not give a shit, and high Fi tends to be focused on an identity and authenticity but less so on outside approval. I also think that ExTPs get a slightly unfair rap (and I say this with a known frustration with high Ti) for starting shit. I think for a lot of them that tert Fe really does hold them back in social situations because they do care if they are liked, and those who are more directly and deliberately confrontational and argumentative tend to have other factors involved (enneagram 8 or cp6).

So: I would start with ENTP but would not rule out ESTP, and both 7 and 3 are possible.

[templeofgloom]

Be yourself; everyone else is already taken

Summary: Young Lara Croft is at the crossroads in her life. Meeting an elderly archaeologist gives her some insight on what she should do. Based on the original 90's version of Lara Croft and her backstory.

Lara Croft took a deep breath.

This was fine.

Before her father had time to say anything more she turned around. "Sorry, Father. I think I should go and mingle."

She stepped to the door and opened it. If her father wanted to say something more he'd have to cause a scene.

But he was too much of a coward to!

Lara stepped out, her heels clicking on the marble floor. She was trembling and didn't want her father to see it.

"Lara!"

She turned to look at the blonde man. "Oh, there you are. Dear." She spat out the last word out like a curse.

The Earl of Farringdon paused for a moment, before smiling again. "Yes. Had a good talk? With your dad?"

"Absolutely."

God, he was so... Boringly pleasant.

She had known Thomas Farringdon since she was ten, and had been as unimpressed by him when their parents had made them play together.

Lara wanted to spat on the polished floor. Of course, even then, her father had wanted her to marry the boy one day!

Her father's words echoed in her mind.

"You would be a fool to turn down an earl, Lara! Don't be a child!"

She was in her twenties! She had experienced things her father had no idea of!

She turned to glare at the man next to her. Or him.

He reminded her of a dog. And not even one of those sleek racing greyhounds, or feisty hunting dogs that would disappear into the undergrowth, running after a fox. If he was like that at least Lara could have respected him.

No, the blonde young man was like a Labrador, kind and friendly and loyal.

And so very very boring.

He offered his arm to her. "Shall we go?"

"Yes," Lara told him.

Instead of taking his arm she started to walk towards the main hall where most of the quests were.

Thomas walked after her. "Um, so. About the wedding..."

"Wedding?"

"I thought you talked about that with your father? I mean, my parents think, my mother told me to ask you when you-"

When Lara had gone to talk with her father it had been with the intention of telling him she was breaking off the engagement. But she hesitated now to tell it to him.

"I'll see-"

He was still following her. She looked around the room full of quests, trying to think of an excuse.

She felt like she was suffocating at the sight of aristocrats talking to each other, exchanging superficial greetings.

Her eye caught something.

An old man who looked completely out of place, standing up the stairs, apart from rest of the people.

He was not, apart from his battered old fedora, dressed untidily as such. But the quality of the tailoring on his old-fashioned suit and bow-tie set him apart from the other quests who would not have been seen dead in anything but the latest haute couture.

Lara started walking towards him. He seemed to be examining the stained glass window.

"I see someone I know," Lara lied.

The earl looked up. "Oh?"

"Be a dear and go get yourself some refreshments. I am going to catch up with him."

"Who?" He looked at the old man. "Doctor Jones?"

The name was familiar somehow.

"Yes." Lara turned to look at him. "So?"

Finally the earl took the hint and walked off.

Figuring out she might as well talk to the weird old guy, Lara stepped to the man.

Doctor Jones turned to look at her, and Lara noticed he had an eye-patch covering his right eye. He glanced at the earl. "Was that boy giving you trouble?"

So, nothing wrong with his hearing, at least.

"That boy is my fiance," Lara informed him. "Also yes."

"Long story I take it."

He turned to point at the window. "Wonderful work. 13thcentury, I believe. It might be even be older. Unfortunately it's hard to track that down, I believe it was moved to this mansion from a French church some time in the 19th century."

"Are you here for the windows?"

"Yes, actually. I heard this mansion was very interesting architecturally, so I managed to get an invitation. I did a favor to the count some decades ago."

Lara gave him a look. He looked old, at the very least in his 70's.

And the name was familiar...

Then it clicked. "Doctor- You are Indiana Jones!"

Indiana gave her a look and tipped his fedora. "The one and only."

"You wrote the adventures of Henry the Cat!"

Indiana gave her a surprised look before a pleased smile spread on his face. "Yes, I did indeed."

Lara blushed. "I mean, I read them when I was- very little. I did read your traveling books later, of course, and some of your historical novels."

"I hope you enjoyed them. Henry the Cat especially."

"I did."

"I did write them for kids. I wanted to write something children could read, or their parents could read to them, and it would teach them about history and different cultures in a child-friendly way. And maybe get them interested in actual archaeology and history and languages when they got older."

"It definitely worked with me."

She had treasured the books depicting the adventures of a smart little cat with a suddenly-familiar looking fedora. He had gone on adventures and traveled to different countries and learned new languages and discovered treasures in mysterious ruins. At the time Lara had not fully appreciated the way the author had woven real facts and lessons into the books, but they had first gotten Lara fascinated with mysteries and ancient civilizations, and when she had discovered the author had written books for older kids and even adults, she had been delighted.

Indiana smiled. "That's the best feedback you could give me."

Lara nodded. "Of course, just sitting behind the desk, writing, that's easy."

She couldn't keep the bitterness from her voice.

She shifted her weight slightly. Her side was still bandaged, and there was pain when she moved her body in certain ways. She couldn't have worn her favorite dress because of it, and had gone for something far more baggy than usual.

Indiana gave her a curious look. "It's a big world out there. I know you probably feel like an adult but trust me, I did think I had seen everything too when I was your age."

"Really? Had you? Had you watched your friends die in front of you?"

"Dear child..."

There was something more in Indiana's look now. Suddenly his gaze seemed sharper as if Lara was just some interesting historical artifact for him to examine.

He took Lara's hand and examined her fingers. "Frost bite."

"Yes."

"It should heal fully... You were lucky."

"Lucky, huh?"

"You are alive."

"And for what?" Lara turned to look at the party. "For this? For a marriage with some... Man who has never set foot outside England except to go on a beach holiday."

"You are still young."

Lara turned to look at him. He had to understand.

So she told him everything.

How she had been returning from a skiing trip with her friends. How the plane had crashed on the Himalayas. How she had been the only survivor, and fought to stay alive.

When she had set eyes on the small mountain village she had felt like she was saved.

But now that she was back home, she would have rather died.

"Or not died," she corrected. "Disappeared into the mountains. I was... I felt alive."

Indiana, who had been listening without a word, nodded. "But you lived to fight an another day. There is nothing stopping you from going back into the nature, to the unknown."

"There is."

Lara took a deep breath. "My father. Lord Henshingley Croft. I told him I couldn't... Even if I stayed, I can't live the life he wants me to."

It was easy to tell Indiana all this. Perhaps it was because Lara was convinced they would never meet again after this. She could finally put to words what she felt. What it was that felt so especially suffocating.

"I can't marry the man he wants me to. I don't think. I can't see myself marrying anyone. Definitely not someone picked up for me like we were two pedigree horses to be bred."

"And your father is... Old-fashioned like that?"

"I told him I was going to break off the engagement, and he told me I was free to do so. But that he would cut me off financially."

He would do it, Lara was certain of it. No more skiing trips to Switzerland, or holidays in exotic places. He would do his best to clip her wings.

"Ah. I know a thing or two about unsupportive fathers."

"What did you do?"

"I left home. Joined the Belgian army."

"To fight the Nazis?"

Indiana patted her shoulder. "First world war."

"You're old!"

"And I have seen a lot. Known many people. Believe me, you have it better than many people do. If you make preparations, and have at least some family members who will support you, you can do it. You can walk away."

"Maybe I will," Lara told him. "But I could marry the earl. Old Tom is very dull, but kind. I could wrap him around my little finger. Would it really matter I don't love him? Most of the marriages here are not based on love as much as being able to tolerate each other."

"That's not true. Well, not all of them. But want a piece of advice from an old man?"

"Why do I get the feeling you are going to give it to me whether I wanted it or not?"

"Fair. But indulge me. At my age it is sometimes fun to play the wise all-knowing sage." Indiana raised a finger. "Be yourself; everyone else is already taken."

"I think I have seen that on a greeting card," Lara mumbled.

She turned towards Indiana. "Anyway, once I'm back home, I will find my old Henry the Cat books and send them for you to sign.

Indiana tipped her hat. "It would be a pleasure."

Lara felt better now. There was clarity. She had clawed her way through both a Girls boarding school, and icy wilderness. She could find a way to support herself.

Be herself.

Be free.

[caffeinated-chaos-bean]

Mid-2021 Blog Update

Hey guys.

So... It’s been a while. Quite a while... and I want to lay some things out as to why I’ve been gone and the blog has practically been dead in the water for half a year, if not for a whole year. 

I want you to know that what I’m going to say will be in heavy detail. I’m comfortable speaking on it, and what information doesn’t just include me will be using either public details that I know I can share or will be put in a short and sweet manner.

This is your trigger warning: If you need to click off or scroll past due to the mention of extremely bad mental health, toxic relationships and households, the mention of depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts, please do so now.

. . .

First off, I’ve lessened the amount of time I’ve been online due to my mental health. I was put on antidepressants as well as told to take anti-anxiety gummies in November and will be weaned off of those starting this October. A lot of my family and relationship drama on top of the world practically shutting down and going into chaos thanks to COVID-19 just took a major toll on me. With so much on my shoulders, stress from living with said things on my shoulders, unsupportive family members, and an emotionally distant partner, I was at one of the lowest points in the life. I’d never had to be on mood-related medication in my life until last November. I’d always been able to handle what was thrown at me, but mid- to late-2020 was what knocked me down that low for the first time in my life. Suicidal thoughts came and went (they weren’t often, only when I couldn’t bottle my emotions up any longer but didn’t have a way to express them either), but even when they did, I knew that it was just in my head. I never once chose to act on them, because to me, that is not a way to solve a problem or escape your inner demons. All it does it put your personal suffering onto those around you -- your friends, family, and those who cared about you even when you don’t see it -- and it doesn’t do anyone any good. When my doctor asked me about suicide, that’s the very explanation I gave her. Yes, they happened, but I’d never act on them; it’s not a way out and it puts your pain onto others and only worsens the situation for the long-term.

Aside from that, though... I move on to other personal reasons for my absence that helped trigger what was mentioned above. Mid-August of 2019, my then fiancé's mother was murdered by two 17yr old boys of whom she and their family knew. Going off the information that was made public, one boy had mixed meth with marijuana prior to the killing. He claimed that my fiancé’s mother mouthed off and made a derogatory comment about his deceased mother, thus sparking the incident. While he claims to have only stabbed her once, the autopsy report shows that her head/face and upper torso were “hacked, slashed, and chopped” repeatedly with “various sharp, bladed objects”. Not only did they murder her, the two individuals also set the grass around her body on fire along with her home. When we found out about this having happened, I had no idea how bad it would have turned my relationship upside-down. My now ex-fiancé didn’t come from a great childhood, there was abuse and CPS, among other things. But he had managed and was a good person. He could make me laugh and tear up at his jokes, sang beautifully, and did everything to make those around him happy. When he lost his mom, it broke him. It shattered his very being, because not only did he know the two who caused it to happen, he also was unable to reconcile and make amends with his mother for what he went through as a child. He was robbed of being able to forgive and be on good terms with her, and it broke him. He stopped communicating with family, he took bereavement after being pulled from work by family the day it was confirmed to be his mother only to to fired 3 months down the line when he tried to go back (fuck Walmart for that btw), and was slowly becoming a hypochondriac. He stopped talking to me, he would cry in his sleep, and grief made him lash out as was expected. But as the days dragged on, his motivation and care towards finding a new job dwindled. He and my mother would fight endlessly and I was caught in the middle of it, as we all were in one household. There were times in which I would keep my phone on my leg and record for my own personal documentation should I need it due to how bad my own mother would belittle me, belittle my ex behind his back, and just scream and go off. When I’d turn to my ex for comfort, he wasn’t much help due to his own deteriorating mental health. He took to discord, specifically the Vampire the Masquerade community, as his escape from reality. He eventually would hardly talk to me at all, show no compassion, and at times I tried to speak with him about getting a new job or suggesting part-time ones that I felt would be easy and as stress-free as possible for him, I would be shooed away without a word; if I tried to further my attempt to have the conversation, he eventually got an attitude and would just say “Bye!” over and over again while shooing with his hand to get me to leave. There were many days where I’d get off work and sit in the bathroom for an hour and cry because of my frustration and how I felt stuck between two people I cared about deeply (ie. my ex and my mother).

My ex has since moved out and no longer lived with us. He and I are no longer together, and he has cut off all communication to me along with his family. He isn’t living in California anymore, really. He met up with discord friends and is in another state. That’s the last I heard from him. That’s the last his family heard. He doesn’t talk to us or attempt to reach out or respond when his family reaches out. I still very much care about him and want him to get better, but if he has to do so by being away from everyone, then so be it.

While I was letting - or shutting out, rather - the emotions I was feeling once he officially moved out, I relapsed with my anxiety tick; with my trichotillomania. I have a good number of smaller, thinned out spots in my hair from unconsciously pulling out strands of hair when my emotions didn’t know how to regulate. I’m still fighting to get this under control, as I do still catch myself doing it and so does my mother. It currently is not as bad as when my ex first moved out and I had to adjust back into sleeping alone and without someone next to me, but I do still pull. I am looking into trying to get my sister to order me a HabbitAware bracelet for me this Christmas in order to help get my tick back under control. I know its something I will live with forever and go in and out of doing, as there is no cure or medication to curb trichotillomania, but its something to help me be more aware of how often I do pull and to train it to no longer be a muscle memory response.

Most recently, I’ve had to stop taking melatonin. I’ve had bouts of insomnia since my ex left, and eventually I took enough melatonin to not only build an immunity to it but also a slight dependence. I was taking more than I should have been, and I noticed the signs of it and have stopped taking melatonin altogether. Due to this, I have switched to hempseed oil gummies. I take 2 before bed and they have helped wonderfully. But, due to how easy it was for me to become dependent on melatonin, I do plan to take brief breaks from the gummies to avoid a similar situation. I also do not plan on seeking an insomnia medication due to the same reasons. I knew what I was doing was wrong and I knew i was becoming addicted, and due to this I do not wish to risk it happening with a prescription sleep medication. I will deal with my bouts of insomnia as they come.

I also am conquering my insecurities towards others knowing I am a fan of Michael Jackson; a moonwalker. In elementary school (5th grade, 2009), I went through a heavy obsessive phase when he passed. I’d never heard of him, and when I listened to his music that firs time I was instantly hooked. I was ridiculed at school after I performed “Thriller” during a talent show; I had classmates going as far as saying that I must want him to kidnap and r*pe me if I enjoyed his music so much. I didn’t understand the gravity of those comments back then the way that I do now that I’m 23, but I still knew to an extent that what they were saying was in now way a good thing. I shut out his music from mid-6th grade all the way until this year. I hadn’t listened to a single song aside from hearing “Thriller” on the radio during October. For my birthday this year, I had a friend take me out of town and get away for a day. The entire time, she surprised me by playing hours of his music when in the car with her. It has since reopened that connection to his music and I’ve been listening to his songs with a fresh take, with the mind of an adult who can comprehend his words and understand finally what he’s saying for each song. As such, I’ve become more comfortable with others knowing I’m a moonwalker. You can have your opininos of the man, you can choose to believe the tabloids and junk media or make your own conclusions after assessing the details and documents of his life, but I will enjoy the same freedom of opinion.

I know this is getting pretty long, but I wanted to fill those who still might be checking up on this blog for any sort of update or spec of life coming from it in on what’s practically killed the blogs for a good chunk of time.

I do plan to slowly start doing stuff again after Halloween. I have a video made that I plan to post for Halloween and I look forward to letting Kikumi and the others be open for asks again. Until then, may the wind guide you all. I hope everyone can have a safe and wonderful rest of August. I will see you in October.

[cicada-envy]

I didn't realize it was this hard to be Trans. Like? I had gender dysphoria when I was 13-14 and it was so much easier back then for some reason. Maybe it's because I can articulate my feelings better now. Maybe it's also because I'm VERY AWARE that my family is unsupportive. I don't think I could ever come out to them and be it as they are my only family left i don't want to cut them off, they've done too much for me. It's so hard realizing your gender. Back then I was 100% into just being a Trans guy. You know, going on testosterone, top surgery, maybe even bottom surgery. But after giving it up for so many years, it's a completely different experience. I wish I had never given it up. It feels harder to have to explain to all these people I met after giving it up. I feel like they wouldn't understand why I started being Trans, quit for years, and now I'm "suddenly" Trans again. It feels invalidating for myself because today, I don't want top/bottom surgery, and the only thing I would want from testosterone is a deeper voice. It's probably because I'm currently residing in the nonbinary label of Trans still. But I don't feel justified in even using the Trans label because I AM unsure of those things that so many use a catalyst for their transition. Despite the fact I've already figured out my sexuality and am open with it, I've never really had to deal with coming out. I never felt like it was needed. But to change my whole gender identity, it counts on me coming out to people. It's hard when you don't have anyone to talk to about how you're feeling. Especially when I need input. My fiance doesn't really know how to navigate the whole situation. He has taking to using male aligned compliments and junk but there's only so much he can do without tipping off my family. And he's the only one who does it. But he's the only one I've explicitly had a conversation with. I've changed my pronouns in bios and shit but that doesn't help bc its not like my friends are checking my profile regularly idk I might continue the rant later my fiance wants in the car

[meangirlsx]

I hope this isn’t too personal but as a bi/ace person, how did you realize you were bi? As an ace folk I feel like my perception of attraction is all f-ed up and I can’t figure out if I just think girls are pretty or if I’m actually into girls? It doesn’t really matter cause I’ll only ever really be able to date guys bc of my family but I want to know for me

No, not too personal at all! I’m actually really glad you asked because it’s something I struggled with a lot and it’s nice to know I’m not the only one. I just apologize in advance for the essay I’m writing to give you as much context and information as possible for how I figured it out. (Also I basically wrote an essay on the guys I’ve thought I loved, so it’s only right for me to write an essay like this.)

I’m totally with you, I feel like my perception of attraction is about as reliable as a broken clock: maybe right occasionally but otherwise not much help.

I never questioned whether or not I was interested in guys. It was expected and assumed. I never really understood things people would talk about or show in media, like people just not being able to control themselves or people getting excited over events like Broadway Bares, but I never doubted my interest in guys.

In that same vein, despite going to an alternative high school where we talked a lot about LGBTQIA+ topics and I had a lot of friends who were out, it never occurred to me that I could be interested in anyone other than guys. I can look back now at a lot of situations growing up and see the times I mistook interest in a girl for admiration or just thinking she was insanely cool.

The first time I ever questioned being straight, I think I was 14 and I was doing a Romeo and Juliet balcony scene project with a friend who actually was going to come out as a trans man the next year. (The only reason I’m sharing that is because I don’t want to misgender him now but it’s obviously relevant that I didn’t know yet that he’s a man.) When I was watching the footage back to edit, I caught a sweet gesture in his Romeo monologue to me that gave me total butterflies and I found myself watching it over and over. I decided by the end of the week that I wasn’t actually interested in him, and then proceeded to convince myself I was straight again until I was 21.

I was at a regional theatre convention with my college department and we’d seen one of the schools perform a show earlier in the day. The girl who played the lead was absolutely incredible. Later in the day, I was on a bus waiting to go back to the hotel, and I saw that school in line to also board the bus, including the girl. I thought I was just a little starstruck, but my head was spinning as they all got on and she made her way toward the back of the bus where I was to let people continue to get on. She asked if she could sit next to me and I thought my heart was going to explode it was beating so fast.

Normally, when people sit next to me who I don’t know, we both do things on our phones so we don’t have to talk to a stranger. I had absolutely no intention of picking up my phone if there was any chance she wanted to talk to me. And she did. And I truly about died. It turned out that she’d had a rehearsal during a class I attended that she’d wanted to go to, and I’d taken extreme notes, so I offered to send them to her and gave her my phone to give me her email, but I didn’t clarify that. She put in her number. I did not shut up about her for the last two days of the trip or the following week.

Being in a very liberal college theatre group, of course my friends were all super excited and supportive, and one of the adults on the trip with us is bisexual and she was actually a big help and encouragement as I settled into the realization that I wasn’t just starstruck by this girl.

I didn’t have my first full-on crush on a girl until a little later into the year with a new girl in the department. I don’t even remember realizing I liked her. Just all of a sudden, every time I was around her, all those reactions started happening again. And we were in the same friend group, so we were around each other a lot.

She would enter the same room as me and I would have trouble focusing. She would smile at me or laugh at a joke I made and I would almost short-circuit. I had to pin her into this weird top for a costume and I would get a little shaky every time. She would text the group chat and I would just stare at my phone. One time, she hugged me and kept her hands on my waist as we pulled back and she just met my eyes and smiled at me and I am genuinely not sure I have ever short-circuited so hard over a crush.

So that’s how I’ve learned to recognize the signs for myself. I had the same kind of reactions that I had with guys I liked. My head spun, my heart raced, my brain would either never shut up or totally shut down, I found myself going out of my way to spend time with her or just be in the same room as her. I’d see her and I’d get that cheesy warm, fuzzy feeling. I’d get really nervous in a way I never got around other friends. 

That being said, my feelings for the girl on the bus and my friend felt so different from what I’d felt before. With my friend, in particular, I’ve never been more sure of a crush. I felt everything more strongly. I’m a pro at finding reasons to stop liking someone so much, and I couldn’t find a single one with her. I could talk myself out of wanting to pursue any crush in college, but the only reasons I had for not telling her how I felt were that the thought completely terrifies me with anyone, I wasn’t sure how she felt and didn’t want to mess up the friendship, and I was about to graduate while she would still be in college for a long time. All outside things. Nothing to do with her.

And it did take me a while to understand it. I think I actually more typically get crushes on guys, so that made it even harder to figure out. Honestly, talking about it helped me a lot. It was easier to make sense of it when I had friends getting excited with me and freaking out over how they hadn’t seen me like that about a crush before.

Being on here helped me, too. I was still scared to talk to friends out loud, so it helped to see what people on here said and find things I could relate to. Actually, one of the first signs I just didn’t realize was that I was starting to read and even write female character x reader fics and trying to convince myself it was for curiosity and expanding my writing.

The one other thing I can think of that helped me was overthinking things the way I always do. It made me try to analyze my own feelings in a way I never had before. I tried to imagine dating this girl. The thought scared me, but because I was starting to realize that dating anyone intimidated me and was an entirely separate problem. Also, being ace does add a new layer of navigation. But when I was first really trying to figure out if I liked her, I imagined how I would feel if she liked me. I realized I would feel a kind of excitement I wasn’t sure I’d ever even felt before, and that was my answer.

It doesn’t have to be any of my business how your family feels, but if you want to talk about that, I’m here. I totally understand that it’s SUCH a difficult situation to be in, but if this is who you are, no one has the right to tell you otherwise or how to live your life. I know that’s a lot easier said than done. But you don’t have to live your whole life the way your family wants.

I can’t speak from experience not having a supportive family. I told my mom as soon as I got home from the theatre convention. But it’s been 3 years, now, and I haven’t told my brother or my dad. I know they’ll be incredibly supportive. I know it won’t cause problems. But the thought still scares me. The idea of anything having to change scares me. The thought of actually physically having the conversation terrifies me.

So I don’t mean to make it sound like I understand having an unsupportive family. I’m so sorry if that’s your situation. I do understand being scared, though, and feeling like you have to cut yourself off from pursuing something for the sake of not having to deal with it. I can’t preach about living as your most honest, authentic self when I’m not there yet, either. But I’m here with you if you want a friend while you navigate this potential new territory.

The last thing I’ll say is this: once I got over my initial shock and set aside other influences so that I could just focus on myself first, I felt so happy. I felt excited. And I felt free. It kind of felt like a rebirth. Things made sense that never had before. I felt like I’d just opened up a new world for myself. Obviously, we live in a world where it’s not simple and easy and automatically accepted by everyone. But that doesn’t mean we can’t find all the good there is.

[girl-montag]

killjoys’ origin stories (part 3)

part 1 - jet-star // part 2 - cherri cola

kobra kid and party poison

this one’s a bit longer, sorry!

he was done with classes for the day. walking home, he kept staring at the ground like he always did. there were too many things on the streets that he didn't want to see, he didn't want to be hurt by. he opened the door of their house, sighing heavily, something he would only do when he knew he was alone. except this time he wasn't. he heard a noise, like a thump, coming from the kitchen, followed by a “fuck!!!”. he felt relieved when he recognised the voice and made his way towards it. 

his older brother was standing in the kitchen, cuts and bruises, dried blood all over his face and hands. a bag of (now broken) ice was lying on the floor next to his feet as he was trying to wrap one hand in a cloth. he finally looked up and saw mikey standing in the doorway. when he said “again, gee?”, sounding a bit disappointed, he just rolled his eyes. mikey pushed him into a chair and got a new bag of ice, putting it on the side of his head. “damn, you really had no luck this time, huh?”, he was now tying his hands in a towel to stop the scarce bleeding. gerard smiled, a smile made from trouble and mischief uncommon for a fifteen-year-old, that had always scared mikey: “you should've seen the other guy”. “mhmm, and what did the other guy do?”, asked mikey, knowing damn well that it was his brother’s fault, it always was, but not wanting to sound heartless or unsupportive. gerard looked tired now and mikey was sure it wasn't just cause of the injuries. he looked tired, but a kind of tired where sleep doesn't help. “he’s a typical brainwashed rich kid, mike. he was going around yelling shit about how this city is an oasis of tranquility, how we should all be thankful for the crows, how they do so fucking much for all of us... this guy that almost never leaves the house except when he’s in school and whose old man has a deal with bli is going to preach to us... he wouldn't shut up when i told him to so i wanted to make sure he did, one way or another, y’know?”. mikey nodded slowly. gerard continued then: “anyways, the teachers went crazy... i know this is like the dozenth time i've gotten myself in trouble this month but i think they’ve really had it now...”. he looked around the room trying not to meet mikey’s eyes, his gaze distant and full of guilt that he would never admit. mikey thought how the two of them weren't that different after all. “mom and dad need to have a meeting with the headmaster.”

                                    ***

“how don’t you understand!! you don’t take the pills, you finish in a bli detention centre and probably spend the rest of your life there, how is that better??!!”, mikey yelled. gerard was sitting on the floor next to him, arms crossed, defiance burning in his eyes. “taking their pills is equivalent to suicide. have you got any idea what you’re telling me to do? you’re telling me i should drown my own thoughts just because the city deemed them inadequate?? that i should become just another one of their puppets that obey everything, believe everything?? well guess what, mikey, yeah, i’d rather spend the rest of my life there, but at least i'll still be myself.”. the reason they didn't fight often, almost never, was that mikey made a promise to himself pretty early on: he won’t let anyone else be worried about him, ever. because everything hurt. the smoke in the air, the guns and night patrols, the rules, the way they were all constantly being convinced that they’re so fucking happy there. if mikey didn't try not to think about that he would’ve taken dad’s gun and ended it all a long time ago. one time he almost did, he almost pulled the trigger. but by doing that he would hurt everyone he ever loved. his brother, his dad, goddamn, his mom. and that’s the last thing he ever wanted to do. it’s not that he didn't notice the shit around him - he just decided to suffer in silence so the rest of his family wouldn't, not more than they already did anyway. and now his brother was doing the exact opposite. “how can you be so selfish?!...”, mikey screamed, scaring the living shit out of gerard, “i don’t care if it hurts, gerard, i don’t give a shit if it’s not what you want, no one ever gets what they want around here so why would you?! your parents, our parents, you think they’re going to survive losing a kid like that? you think mom...”, his voice broke for a moment and came out shaky and insecure after it, “...mom, who’s already fucking sick, that she’s gonna make peace with that?”. both of them were crying now, silent. “no one gets what they want”, mikey repeated and left the room. gerard was trying to wipe away the tears but there were too many. death has always lived here, he thought. so who’s it gonna be: you or them?, asked a little voice in his head. he went down to the kitchen and, still crying, swallowed two black pills.

but he wasn’t wrong. it was suicide. a couple of weeks after he started taking the pills, it’s like he wasn’t there anymore. whoever was that numb, quiet, obedient kid that was living in their house, that wasn’t gerard. there was no more laughter or joy, only shrugs and silence. their parents were terrified. terrified and helpless, thinking that just having him there, even like that, was better than whatever would happen to him if bli really got their hands on him. it was hard to admit, but mikey wasn’t sure which one was worse. but they all went with it. days, weeks, a couple of months. until mikey couldn’t take it anymore. he couldn't see gerard like that, not a minute longer, nor could he stay collected. he felt like he'd burst into flames if he had to spend one more night in that cage of a city. it was crazy, too crazy for him to pull off, but it looked like it was the only solution. they were going to run away. anywhere but here. he began by flushing gerard’s pills down the toilet. then taking a bag and filling it with water and food and clothes. then writing a goodbye note to their parents. and finally, waking gerard up: “come on, the desert is waiting for us”. the words ringed in gerard’s head for a while and he could’ve sworn his heart started beating just a bit faster for the first time in months. they were just down the stairs when they heard a noise behind them. they turned around quickly. their mother was coming down the stairs, in her night dress, the little hair she still had left hidden under a scarf, carrying a ray gun. “you’re going to need this”, she said and smiled, “i bet there are people out there in the desert who can teach you how to use it properly. and, well, get you another one”. they both wanted to say something - something like are you going to be okay without us, are you not against this, how the fuck am i supposed to explain how much i love you - but they got choked up on their own tears. “now give your ma a kiss before you go”. they did. and they all cried. and then the two of them stepped into the night.

[thefanficmonster]

Guidance For The Lost

Emily Davis x Reader (Female)

Warnings: Mentions of death, Dealing with the loss of loved ones, Grieving, Alcohol Abuse (Mentioned)

Genre: Angst, Romance

Summary: How much does a person have to lose before they are finally shown the light that’s supposed to lead them to a better place? Y/N and Emily never knew they were even looking for that guidance in their life until they lost everything but that one need - finding guidance, finding closure, finding who they are and embracing. Preferably together.

Requested by my dear Until Dawn Genius Anon. You are the absolute best. This idea is golden and you take all the credit for it, darling. (Unless the fic is bad, then blame it on me 😋) Hope you enjoy, XOXO

Sorry I went overboard again. I just love writing for this fandom so much 💙

Once upon a time I was happy. I had it all.

A best friend who was always by my side. A best friend whose family accepted me as one of them.

A girlfriend that nothing and no one can compare with. It would be inaccurate of me to describe her with words. The English language doesn’t have adjectives I could use to paint you the picture of who she was and how I felt and still feel about her.

But I can tell you our story, at least the ending portion of it. I can’t recall the beginning cause it will hurt too badly. I can’t bare the pain nor the guilt of being so helpless. 

So here’s how our story ended.

“Where did everyone go all of a sudden?“ I ask no one in particular as I finally look up to take notice of my now vacant surroundings. The living room was buzzing with Josh’s friends just minutes ago, their chatter and laughter not bothering me while I read some interesting Blackwood Pines facts from a booklet Beth showed me.

“No idea!“ I hear my girlfriend call out to me from somewhere near by. “Probably upstairs, no one’s dumb enough to go outside in this weather.”

I get up from the couch and walk into the kitchen where Josh and his best friend Chris are passed out on the kitchen island.

“Dumb and Dumber are out, huh?“ I shake Josh’s shoulder but he doesn’t budge.

Beth is by the kitchen sink, doing the dishes. She turns to look at me, a bright smile on her face, mesmerizing me. “Surprised it took them so long. At the very least they are unconscious so they won’t cause troubles.” Her eyes suddenly widen, “Shit! The others could be destroying the upstairs rooms!”

I frown and shake my head, “They weren’t that drunk when I last saw them.“ I try to assure her.

“The atmosphere can get you carried away and I don’t wanna take any risks.“ This is Momma Beth speaking. Her and Sam are the most responsible of our bunch. They can go from partying to parenting in the blink of an eye. I find it adorable when Beth does it.

“Ok, ok, I’ll go check on them. You stay with these two just in case they wake up.“ I walk through the wooden doors to the staircase area of the lodge. I’ve been here countless times now and I still only know the main points - kitchen, bathroom, living room and the bedroom I always stay in. The rest is a maze if you ask me.

I hear a commotion upstairs and quicken my pace. I follow the voices, not really sure where I’m headed when I see Hannah running in my direction. She looks like she’s been crying and her shirt isn’t completely buttoned up. My mind races with the worst of scenarios, a pit opening in my stomach.

“Hey! Hannah, what’s wrong?!“ I call after her when she passes me without even sparing me a glance.

I’m about to go after her when the rest of the group catches up, all of them running as well.

“Guys, what’s going on?!“ I’m getting kind of scared now, seeing as how all of them have worry and something alike guilt painted on their faces.

“I’ll tell you later. We need to get Hannah.“ Matt tells me as he briefly slows his pace to answer my question.

I stand there confused, but only for a second. Next thing I know, I’ve already outrun the group and I make it outside the lodge first. Well, not really first. I can barely see Beth because of the color of her jacket, the pink dot in the white ongoing snowstorm slowly fading as she keeps heading further into the woods.

“Beth, wait!“ I try to yell but my voice is muffled by the raging wind.

“It was just a prank, Han!“ I hear Emily’s voice, but don’t plan on sticking around to find out what prank she’s talking about.

Just as I’m about to take off after Beth, a hard grips my arm tightly. 

“Where do you think you’re going? We don’t need another person running into the storm.“ Emily says in her typical bitchy way, her tone suggesting how dumb my move would’ve been.

“What if they get hurt, huh? You thought of that?“ I bark at her, narrowing my eyes and shaking my arm out of grasp.

“Oh, you’ll protect them?“ She scoffs, “Give me a break.“

“Guys, cut it out. This is the worst possible time to go at each other’s throats.“ Sam scolds us, breaking up our disagreement.

“What did you do?“ My gaze travels to each of the six guilty and worried faces in front of me. Well, four. Jess and Emily don’t seem too concerned.

I still can’t believe it. A prank. A goddamn prank is the reason why my girlfriend and a really good friend of mine are missing and presumably dead. These people apparently don’t have a shred of a conscience. Not all, but I’m surprised by how easily some took the loss of two friends of ours. 

It’s more than obvious Matt and Ashley will regret participating in that ‘prank’ for the rest of their lives, but Mike, Jess and Emily aren’t too troubled. Then there’s Sam...she regrets not preventing it. Josh regrets not being in the state to run after his sisters and protect them. I regret letting Emily keep me in that spot I was about to take off from to go after Beth. 

We all have regrets. We’ll all carry this and let it weigh us down cause we know how much we could’ve done but didn’t. Or...for some, how wrong much they did.

Believe it or not, it gets worse. And the guilt just keeps piling up. It doesn’t stop hurting, I’m afraid it never will. It. Keeps. Getting. Worse.

“It’s all over now. But it wouldn’t have even started had I spoken up about how uneasy the whole thing made me and everyone else feel. If I had just told him.....if I had just tried to stop him from.....non of this would’ve happened.”

I am being interrogated about the events of the most terrifying night I have ever and will ever experience. I can’t recollect what’s real and what’s not. For all my mind can comprehend I’m still in that lodge. Or I’m dead and this is my brain projecting the moments I thought I’d live through if I survived.

“He would have been ok. All of us would have been ok. I wouldn’t have lost him.“ I don’t try to stop my tears. Why would I? I’m not even sure these are real people in front of me. I’m not sure any of the past 24 hours is real. I’m not sure the specific reason why I’m crying either. It could be because my best friend is dead. It could be because I wasn’t there to prevent it from happening. Or maybe because I didn’t prevent anything. Had I just convinced, or at least tried to, we wouldn’t be here. Nor would we be like this. Broken. Petrified. Traumatized. “He’s fucking gone and I fucking let it happen! It’s all my fault!”

I believe that. It’s the truth that will forever remain an open wound for me. The crack in the broken mirror I’ve turned into.

I lost Beth. I lost Josh. I lost Hannah. All on the same date with just a year difference. I lost the people that defined who I am and who kept me together, reminding me that loneliness is temporary and curable. The cure? - good company. They were my company. They were my family. And now, the affliction is back, ready to kick my teeth in.

Worst part is - I could’ve done something. I should’ve done something, anything to at least try and prevent it all. 

It’s been about two hours since Ashley and Sam left my apartment. I haven’t stepped foot outside since we got back from the mountain which was a month ago. They come and check on me about twice a week to make sure I haven’t died of malnutrition or in my sleep after drinking too much.

I’m not exaggerating. I often forget or just don’t feel like eating. My body is 70% alcohol at all times. Sam, Ashley and Chris thought that if they refused to supply me with my only support I’d stop relying on it. The sad truth is - an addict always finds their way to the substance of their addiction. My neighbor is an addict so he understands me which is why he runs to the convenience store to get me a fix whenever I ask him to. 

Why I don’t leave my home? It’s a ridiculous and unsupported theory, but I’m afraid I might lose it and break down. I have small sprinkles of memories with my Josh and Beth all over the place, not only at home. I mean, I still sleep in the living room cause I can’t go in my bedroom. 

When I bought this apartment I got most of the décor with Beth’s help. I was actually planning to ask her to move in with me when on her birthday, after we got back from the getaway. I did, she didn’t, and despite living alone for the past four or so years, my apartment has felt empty ever since. When I told Josh that I didn’t like sleeping in my room because of all the flashbacks, he offered to help me redecorate. Now that has backfired as well.

I feel too exhausted to attempt redecorating again so I just keep out of my room unless it’s absolutely necessary. 

As I’m reaching for my cheap liquor in the kitchen cabinet the doorbell rings, sending a shock throughout my body that causes my arm to jerk away from the bottle. I’ve become a lot more responsive to sounds - even the tiniest noise gets me on edge and has me looking around like a terrified animal.

“Nice one, guys.“ I mumble to myself as I walk over to open the front door. It’s so much like Sam and Ashley to do a double visit to make sure I’m not half gone in a matter of two hours.

The big surprise I come face to face with is Emily standing on my doorstep. Emily of all people. 

If it’s not yet clear, we aren’t too fond of each other. I’m still holding the incident from two years ago against her. I try to steer clear of her and be as passive aggressive with her as possible. I know that if I spend too much time around her, paying attention to whatever bullshit comes out of her mouth I’ll lose my passiveness and turn to straight aggression. And I don’t wanna be that person. I mean, I am that person, but I don’t wanna act on it. It’s more real if others see how I feel.

“Hey...“ she says, shifting from one foot to the other awkwardly

“What’s up?“ I ask in my monotone, I-don’t-feel-like-talking voice. Honestly, I would’ve put in more effort if it was someone of the gang I’m actually close with, but Emily isn’t getting a crumb of enthusiasm out of me.

“Can I come in?“ she asks hesitantly, pointing at the hallway behind me

It’s an odd move on her part - both out of character and with an odd timing. Though, I don’t have a valid reason to say no. What can I say? ‘Sorry, no. I’m busy getting drunk so I don’t cry.’

“Um, sure.“ I shrug and step aside, allowing her room to pass by me and enter my apartment

She nods and walks in the living room, putting her jacket over the backrest of my reading chair. 

Emily in my apartment, especially on her own, is a bizarre sight. She’s only stepped foot in my place once and that was on the housewarming dinner party I held when I bought it, aka three years ago. 

As though she has read my mind, she says, “It’s been a while since I’ve been here. Not much has changed.”

“Yeah, I don’t like redecorating“ A pang in my chest makes me wince almost obviously. “Have a seat. Want something to drink?“

She shakes her head, settling down on the couch. “No, I’m good. Um...” she pauses. I can tell she’s struggling to say whatever’s troubling her. I can’t guess what it might be, but the least I can do is give her time to put the words together and then spit them out. Her nerves are clearly in overdrive as evidenced by her fidgety hands and lip-biting. “How are you holding up?”

Understanding aside, I feel a dose of anger start coursing my veins. My passiveness is giving way, I guess. Without it as a neutralizer for my powerful rage mixed with grief and guilt, I am a senseless person. I’m afraid of becoming that person. I can truly hurt someone and that’s the last thing I ever wish to do.

I shrug, “Better than Josh.“ The words are cold, giving off the vibe that I’m no longer bothered by any of what happened. We both know that’s not true. It’s just my way of getting the angry message across.

I notice her get even more nervous, her body stiffening. “Um...I know how it is...” My grip’s starting to slip. I can no longer contain it. All that’s been piling up, the water’s rising, spilling over the top of the dam that’s my composure. “I remember what you said...”

Momentarily, my nails stop digging into the flesh of my palms, my brows furrowing in confusion, “What did I say?”

“Uh, I...um...overheard what you said to Chris while we were in the basement.“ She stutters.

Oh, now I remember too.

“How are you keeping it all together?! How are you so calm?! Why aren’t you panicking more?!“ Chris is freaking out, his calm exterior is finally crumbling after so many long hours of terror. I’m surprised he has held onto his sanity for this long. But he’s finally snapping.

“Barely, Chris. Just barely.“ I grab his wrists, hindering him from yanking on his hair any longer. He lifts his head, looking at me with tired eyes. I somehow find it in me to give him an encouraging nod and smile when I say: “Believe me, when all this is over, I’ll be the one crying the hardest.“

“I was. I was crying. I was crying to the point of exhaustion. But no one was there which is just the way I like it. Guilty people cry on their own cause they know they don’t deserve to be comforted! I’m fucking guilty! And so are you! I wouldn’t be dealing with all this bullshit! My girlfriend and best friends would still be alive if you had just been a decent human being! Decent enough to leave the poor girl alone and not play with her emotions when you knew how strongly she felt about Mike! Decent enough to let me go when I wanted to go after them! You were probably right, I would’ve probably been just as helpless as them and died right then and there! But I would’ve been there! Beth wouldn’t have felt that fear without me! I wouldn’t have to go on without her! And now Josh is gone too! All because of what you, Jessica and Michael did!“ I feel blood oozing out of the small cuts I’ve created on my palms, but I don’t care. “You say you couldn’t have known that would happen, and even though you’re right, you’re far from being justified! Friends don’t do that to each other! I’m mad on mine, Beth’s, Hannah’s and Josh’s behalf! And I think I forever will be!“

I open my hands to see the bloody mess they’ve become as a result of the overwhelming emotional pain. Something a lot like adrenaline is preventing me from feeling the stinging I should be feeling but I hate that I can’t feel anything. I want to feel physical pain, it’s better than emotional. That one you can’t bandage up and call it a day.

I look up at Emily who looks like she’s reliving everything just by looking at me and my bloodied hands. I can’t find it in me to apologize, especially not right now. Maybe in an hour or so when I will be able to hear my rational thoughts over the heart’s violent thumping. 

Tears roll down her cheeks as she reaches for my hands over the coffee table between us. I want to pull away, but the comfort I feel when her fingers make contact with mine is something I’ve been longing for, I can’t act on my instinct.

“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry, Y/N. I can’t begin to imagine how empty this world feels to you now. Non of us can even try to fill the void Josh and Beth left behind in your life. But....there’s something I want to do for you. Something I think will help you.“

I can’t look at her. It kills me knowing I’m the reason behind her tears. I keep my gaze on our touching hands instead. “What could possibly help me?” I let out a choked whisper. Pretty sure I’d be crying right now, but I have lost the ability to do so.

“I-...I didn’t tell you back at the lodge, but I found Beth’s body in the mines. I mentioned it in my interview after we were rescued. I was convincing enough to get them to agree to go and investigate. I heard back from them two days ago...“ she stops to sniffle and wipe her eyes, “They indeed found her body. They made her a proper grave close to where the lodge was. You can go say your goodbyes now. It may not be how you’d want to, but it’s better than nothing.“

A tear falls from my arm directly on a scar I have on my arm. A scar from that night. “I don’t think I can. I can’t go back there. I can’t say goodbye. I knew it was empty wishing, but I had the tiniest hope they’d be found. Saying goodbye will confirm that I’ve lost her. I don’t know if I’m ready for that.”

Her grip on my hands tightens, “You don’t have to do it alone.” something about the way she says that forces me to look up and meet her eyes. “I’ll be with you every step of the way. It’s the least I can do for you.”

I shake my head, “Don’t feel like you owe me anything cause you don’t, Em. If anything, you owe it to Beth, not me.”

“I don’t feel like I owe you.“ I haven’t seen her this vulnerable and this humanly fragile before, “You mean a lot to me, Y/N. More than you realize. More than I realized. I want to do this for you because I care for you deeply. Y/N, I...“ her words die down, replaced by a sob, “It’s overwhelming. A lot like falling in love, but I don’t wanna call it that. I don’t wanna scare you or push you away. Not now that I’ve nearly lost you so many times.“

My chest tightens. There’s a lot less space for the air my lungs are desperately trying to grab ahold of. There’s only something similar to what Em just mentioned - the fear and excitement of slowly falling for someone. Not just anyone. Someone you never thought you’d fall for.

“I need time, Em. I can’t guarantee that even time will change much in me. I hope you understand and not expect much from me cause I can’t promise anything anymore.“ 

“I don’t need you to promise me anything. All I’m asking is for you to let me be there for you, now and in the long run. And...let me come with you when you say your goodbye. I don’t want you feeling so much sorrow on your own. Know that no matter what you’re feeling, you can always give half of it to me so it doesn’t break you.”

I have a tough time wrapping my head around the fact that this is the same Emily I wanted to scream at and smack across the face just ten minutes ago. Or you know, the whole time I’ve known her. But I’m a believer in chances and the power they have when it comes to positive change in a person.

“That I think I’ll be able to do.“ I nod, giving her the same smile I gave Beth, Josh and Chris back at the lodge. The ‘we’re sinking, but at least we’re not sinking alone’ smile. She gives me a similar one in return and I know my message has been sent across clear as day.