#i can't make shit to save my life.
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"Do you know where we are going next?" I asked ART.
Y'know what, I think maybe I don't need any more Murderbot books. I think maybe ending things here is fucking perfect and as much as I love Wells's writing I'm genuinely not sure it can get better for me.
Like, so much of the books are about MB learning how to be a person, about becoming okay with being a complete individual with everything it entails. The first thing it does once it's actually allowed to decide on its own is it runs away from it all (admittedly to go on a mission to confirm some things about its past, because it genuinely just wants to be *good*). It shoves all its emotions away as much as it's able to. Then shit happens, and it makes its first friends, makes decisions based on these friendships, goes through a lot of emotionally intense situations...
And we get to this point here. MB having zero doubts about going with ART says a lot about its relationship with ART, but it also says a lot about its relationship with its humans - it knows that wherever it goes, when it comes back, the humans will still be there. Its humans actively acknowledge its struggles with being a now-free SecUnit and MB is willing to entertain the discussions to an extent and share information about its deeply personal experiences. Hell, System Collapse ends with MB admitting it might be somewhat broken, but that's okay as long as it can keep doing its job, and agreeing to basically do counselling - this is the guy what would rewatch its favourite TV show again and again in order to avoid acknowledging it even had Emotions a couple books back.
Reading this, I know that MB will be okay. It has hopes and goals and genuinely believes in itself and it has an amazing support system that its willing to lean on for the first time in its life. I'm convinced it'll go on to do great things with ART. And that's really the only thing I need to know.
#Murderbot#murderbot diaries#system collapse#Herr's personal tag#Also like. System collapse dives deep into MB's feelings about its life as secunit prior to the events of all systems red#I find this conversation from when they were discussing what would happen if the BE folks got to the colonists first /very/ telling#MB going on about how life as a corporate slave is absolute fucking hell#ART drone saying that they can't just kill people because the alternative is worse than death#ART: would it have been kinder to kill you before you'd disabled your governor module?#MB with zero fucking hesitation: /yes/#(followed by my favourite ART line ever. “You know I am not kind.”)#Like. MB would not have always admitted that it had hated its life as a secunit this openly#Saying it was shit is one thing saying I would rather be dead than think of me or anyone else going through this again is a very different#And here it has zero issues stating that. At least when talking to ART#And then later on it goes on to offer its actual memories for a publicly screened documentary#Because it knows it's the only way to make people see. The only way to save then from the same (ish) fate#And it's willing to do whatever it takes to save these people it's never even met before from what it views as fate worse than death#Including opening up and acknowledging its past experiences and past/current feelings#And I'm just like. Man I couldn't be more proud of you if I tried.#You go MB. Holy fuck I wish I could do what you've done. You might just be the person to defeat this evil capitalism my dude
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I cannot stress enough that as an USAmerican you need foreign friends who barely speak English, because that's the only way for you to realize that half the discourse that happens online only matters to a very small percentage of human population, and all of those people are chronically online USAmericans
#not this isn't about actual real world issues like someone being honest to god racist and screaming slurs 24/7#i mean shit like thinking someone watching hazmat hotel makes them the worst person on planet earth#USAmericans on here will put watching the wrong show on the same level as committing actual honest to god hate crimes#like idk i'd rather talk to a genshin fan#than an USAmerican who doesn't even know I need to be medically sterilized in order to legally transition#you can't even change your name here without it being one legally preapproved by the state#and it has to be gender neutral#I had to pay for a fucking research paper to be done on my chosen name#to prove it can be gender neutral#and even then it wasn't 100% on if they would approve it#but sure whatever glad I have the world's most entitled USAmerican to tell me my irl friends who have saved my life#are actually the spawn of evil#because they watched a cartoons
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I was watching let's plays and reaching conclusions
#slay the princess#revolutionary girl utena#rgu#the owl house#toh#currently obsessed with this game#can't verbalise thoughts properly#i forgot how to spell exist#autocorrect saving my life rn#it's midnight and i didn't sleep last night sorry#i saw 'ch III the thorn' and was like lmao like in the owl house and then it really went that way#dunno if i love or hate when i can tell where things are going bc i saw similar shit somewhere else#toh gets officially forgiven for the 'masked man 2.0'#and then i connect the dots that they're in this situation for stabbing each other#like literally#and multidimensionally#doomed by narrative written by a force trying to destroy them and the functionality of the world#there's more and it's deeper i'm too sleep deprived#prise the autocorrect for making me sound coherent#i Hope#mist was here
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Keeping up my ship serie with an x wing
#xwing#star wars#star wars fanart#star wars x wing#spaceship#things#OH MY GOD I CAN ONLY SEE THE BAD LINES SAVE ME FROM MYSELF#yeah from afar it's good#BUT THE LINES ARE FUCKEEEEEEED#i don't know if i can put that in my portfolio the tattoo artist will be like#you can't make a good circle to save your life girl#and tell me to go back to code shit#oh well
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wouldn't it be nice if the author of the fics finished them. the author is me.
#vent#for the last 4 months my life has been in stupid crisis mode#like constantly#from major ones where i had to move out for a while because it was impossible to stay where i lived#to not being able to use my kitchen for over a week#and like other more or less minor house related stuff that made it impossible for me to use something normally#not a single week without something like that or shit at work which is constantly being so fucking chaotic#and now someone died in my family#not someone very close but i liked them#and of course like feeling sad that they are gone can't be the only thing#because it has to come with the headache of i need to travel for their funeral and it's just before easter#so there's no one in this city to leave my dog with#because most of my friends either live abroad or have cats or are busy before easter..#i'd just want a week where nothing happens#and like the writing is weighing heavy on me#because i miss it#also i wish i could finish something#i wish something good would happen that i could feel proud off#also because i'm mentally ill and fucking stupid when i was going crazy with my kitchen not working and work shit#i bought new furniture#because after 15 years i've finally had enough money to buy some that aren't fucking black and inconvenient and ugly#which is like a huge project and a crisis i brought onto myself#just because i was too burnt out to write#and i wanted something nice to happen to me#like a nice living space that doesn't make feel like i have no ownership over it because everything in it was some else's choice#and that old furniture was bought by my mother and my brother ages ago and it's handmedowns#and my fucking horrible mother feels personally slighted that i want to get rid of a bed that is broken#because my brother's kids jumped on it regularly when they used to visit pre covid#yeah it's been broken that long because i lost all my savings during covid and had to change careers to a souless pointless corpo job#long pathetic whine and overshare over
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cannot believe that in 2007 the eighth doctor adventures writers just decided to put toxic yuri in their show. they did that for me
#not me going insane over 2 minor recurring villains#but literally what the fuck is going on with the headhunter and karen#what if an amoral assassin and a normal office worker decided to become partners on a whim & now they time travel and commit crimes together#like what?????#the headhunter could not give less of a shit about other people and doesn't think karen is useful at all and yet just keeps her around#and karen's like yeah she hates my guts and also she makes me kill people. it's a laugh though can't complain#and i'm just meant to be normal about that?????? huh???????#also the way they both just flirt with lucie every time they see her is so funny#karen's like hey babe!!!! how are you!!!! do you want to join us!!!! while holding a knife to lucie's neck shdjshs#while the headhunter's like ah lucie miller the thorn in my side [saves her life] this means nothing [saves her life] you disgust me [saves-#doctor who#big finish#i've finished s3!!!! whoop!!!!#my thoughts are why does lucie miller keep getting turned evil and can it keep happening bc it's hot. who said that#my only issue with this format is that it's very adventure based. which yeah it's called the 8th doctor adventures#but i wish there was more breathing room for lucie. the doctor keeps being all sad (fair his life is awful) but lucie's going Through It#and never gets a chance to really process anything#also the retroactive continuity errors make me laugh#'i'm 900 years old' no the fuck you're not! you still have the time war yet buddy!#i like to think they're just signs of 8's swiss cheese memory#i hope there's books set in this era. i'm sure nobody will be able to tell me bc they gave up 20 tags ago agdkhsjshsjs
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not to be spoilery on main but I was just rereading (for like the 11 thousandth time) some of the ending portions of roots, and I don't care who disagrees with me and I don't care what people will think when it's out, but I sure can fucking NAIL an ending baby!!!!!! yeehaw!!!! 🤠
#whenever people are like 'damn i hate action' or 'How Do People Write Satisfying Endings' i have to remind myself#that i should take pride in the fact that ive gotten very very good at doing both of those things#which I dont intend as a brag or whatever. trust me. my shit aint polished and idk jack Fuck about writing as a craft#for fucks sake I JUSt learned how to identify passive voice and can't get its/it's right to save my goddamn life#but for all the weaknesses I have and struggle with on a technical level I more than make up with in the actual Story-Telling part#anyways no use trying to humble me I Know What I'm About Son
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bro i am getting so desperate to get money for a commission that i literally spent half of the evening wondering if i could ask my mom for some money under a false pretense i am turning into a terrible person
#life#i mean i could ask the bf but he would KNOW the reason and i can't bear the shame#or i could use some of my savings but they're all for the 'rainy day' and already depleting since i'm paying for my insurance and such#like.. idk anyone want to buy my shit? an icon? a gif?#i also make handmade crowns and headpieces and whatnot#but yea :c
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siiiiiiigh
#i am in fact a grown adult who is still incapable of talking about their feelings and thoughts to people so I'll just rant here#my relationship with my mother is. so weird. it's not always bad but it always ends up bad for one reason or another#she can be perfectly civil and i'll still be irritated. other times i do try to tolerate it and engage and she ends up saying something#upsetting to me either way.#i don't want to keep being rude to her i don't want to get mad and annoyed all the time but i just can't stop. it's always like this#and i hate myself for it and i hate her and i hate everything about it#today i was leaving for work and she was like. i'll take the trash out of your room and i told her not to do it. she kept insisting and i#had to raise my voice at her to maybe get the point across to get her not to touch anything#and yes my room is a fucking mess and it is something to be embarrassed of. i just feel so fucking tired all time time and i keep tellin#myself that i will clean it this time for sure and then i don't. most of the time it's my mother taking care of it without my permission#and i am grateful for it bc nobody likes living in a mess... but i also fucking hate it because it makes me feel even more worthless#i just can't get rid of the feeling of shame. no matter what i do.#and back to the mother thing. i told her that if she touches anything i will go to her room and throw out anything that isn't nailed down#even though objectively i have no reason to oppose her helping me#but i also fucking hate it#maybe being rude is the only way to get it across. but also i get irritated about anything so easily#i feel shittier and shittier every day. had there been an easy and painless way of killing myself i would have done it already#and despite how much i want to blame this on a disorder or lack of access to medication. there is no magic pill that would fix me is there#i'm just a shitty person who cannot get it together despite everything being handed to me#i'm literally bad at anything and everything. i'm not even a good blogger lmao#people have it much worse in life and still do better. me? i'm useless. there's no helping it. i should have died from covid or something#nobody will save me. nobody cares enough. besides one person whom i push away because i can't stand her and i don't even know why 👍#if i stop messaging people first most of them would forget about me#i am alone. a lonely person in a messy room desperately trying to be entertaining so someone will pay a little bit of attention to me.#not to mention the geopolitics#i won't even go there. i hate the possibility that people might see it mentioned and give me shit for it#one more thing that is apparently my fault. directly or indirectly#all i want is to leave this country. spend the day with someone who cares for me like an actual friend. and then shoot myself so i don't#have to go back#sealene.txt
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#i am at my fucking limit lol#i need to leave this fucking town and this fucking state the very second i can nail down both a car and a remote job#the fucking ''''affordable'''' housing company i rent from has once again opted to start harassing us#and we're once again gonna have to be in a fucking fight with landlords who think that we're making too much money to live in a $1200 apt#and want us to pay $2000 a month for this rathole we live in despite taxes and deductions literally absorbing a quarter of our earnings#so they want to absorb half of what we have left when ive yet to be able to even afford a car that isn't a fucking beater destined for scrap#at least not without using p much all of my current life savings in the process#so we have to instead get around by buses that refuse to actually show up take us on huge detours for no reason have lead feet that-#-exacerbate my chronic pain and - oh! how could i forget? is also horrifically mismanaged to the point where they're now canceling entire-#-bus routes including the one i take to work and ALSO GOES TO THE AIRPORT lol#and nothing will fucking change about the highway robbery rent hikes bc the entire state legislature is filled with and bought by-#-landlords NIMBYs and property management firms.#that's not even getting into the fact that ive got too many traumatic memories too many enemies and not enough good things to show for it#the only thing I've got in this fucking town is my partner bc not even our home can be considered safe anymore.#i want to take them and the home we dream of and get the fuck out bc i can't keep doing this shit#and i can't even fucking talk to them about this bc they need me to be the strong one for once#im so tired. i feel like im in danger even though i know we'd be able to tank the hit to our finances. but i would like to escape.#i know of a city in ny where our $1200 rent is considered the norm. there's also so much more to do within reach that isn't just. drinking.#i wanna go there. i may have had a desire to live there since our vacation there this past March.#but for now im stuck here dreaming of the future and fighting off desperation and despair in the present#this breakdown brought to you by: the bus purposely avoiding my stop this morning after learning my landlord wants to ruin us again#vent
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#day 4 on bupropion#i need to vent. bc today was mostly decent. cause at least i could control my emotions and not cry at every little thing#but ended just as badly as i was feeling yesterday. i feel rly sad rn#when im productive i feel great but when im trying to relax? i feel like i need to find something productive to do immediately.#its like i need to do everything but i have no desire to do anything#im like. lying in bed at 2 am grieving my hyperfixations hard. been crying for the past 3 hours#bc i just cant sit down and enjoy anything without feeling like im forcing myself. and i already miss feeling things when i play video game#idk if i can do the 4-6 weeks of this before side effects normalize. everyone says it gets better#and even that is making me feel guilty bc it took me this long to get help and i already want to quit on my first week#i have an appointment with my dr on friday but fuck. the last 3 nights have felt like weeks. its so hard falling asleep.#it really doesn't help that this med is making me. stupid. i have about 10 seconds worth of memory before the thought is deleted#literally forgetting what i'm talking about midway through a sentence#but hey. at least my memory is so bad i cant remember what i did today and overthink every action. i guess.#and maybe tmi. but my libido is gone... like completely nonexistent now#some people literally take this shit to help w a low libido!!! but for me it is doing the exact opposite!!! what is wrong with my body#and to top it off i can't drink even a half cup of coffee without panic attacks. i miss iced coffee already :(#cant enjoy shit anymore and my adhd feels 10 times worse than it did before bc i can't sit still to save my life.#anyway im yapping so much but i need to because im feeling so alone#some side affects im getting r common and manageable but some are pretty uncommon and its hard finding anyone who relates...
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James missed (his Driver) very much. But he missed Edward more.❤️💙
#can't even make this shit up the book really said that#🥺😭#sobbing shaking wailing#i love them so much#2 x 5 my beloved#2 x 5#jameward#jedward#MISSED HIM MORE THAN HIS OWN DRIVER#imagine being an engine pining after another engine who saved your life#and makes you want to be better DO better#i just think they're so neat#i lie in bed at night and smile when i think about them and close my eyes and suddenly life is so good and right#ttte edward#ttte james#rws
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#Nothing to see here folks!#Just an old bitch whining and being annoying about stuff - move along! Pay no attention to the hater behind the curtain!#Wrestling is Bad Actually#*Heavy sigh*#I miss wrestling#I really do#I miss watching it and enjoying it and getting excited about it and writing fic about it#But I just can't do any of that anymore. Tony Khan ain't letting me LOL#And I have boring real life adult problems and wrestling used to be my escape from all that but NOT ANYMORE!#It's just really hitting me today how much I'm in Fandom Limbo#I stopped watching AEW months ago because - to put it as diplomatically as possible - it is very much Not For Me anymore#And everything I've seen and heard since then has only confirmed I made the right decision there#But I don't currently have another hyper-fixation to fill the void#So I'm just stuck here desperately waiting for something else to come and save me from this nightmare#And I don't want to be a hater! I used to fucking LOVE AEW and I take no joy in how much I think it sucks nowadays#And I don't wanna be a party pooper either - I see everyone else squeeing about the Bucks or Junglecorpse or MJF and Ospreay or Bryan#And it's just like...I'm glad y'all are having fun - really! But GOOD LORD does none of that appeal to me in the slightest#Most of my faves aren't getting booked - let alone pushed!#And the few that are are even worse off because Tony's booking is SO BAD it makes me unable to give a shit about wrestlers I used to love#I feel like Lieutenant Dan on New Years - everyone else is having a grand ol' time while I'm just sat here like 🙁#I feel like I'm going through the fives stages of grief in regards to fandom at the moment and it is not a good time let me tell ya#So yeah - don't be surprised if I stop being a wrestling blog the second the new Dragon Age game comes out#Save me Bioware! You're my only hope!
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this girl at the centre is rly frivolous with her spending and it's driving me fucking insane because she complains about having no money but then somehow buys DQ lunch every day (a meal there is like $10+ ????) and buys a s.quishmallow or brand new fancy-covered book (not just paperbacks... the ones w embossed covers and cool stuff like that) or other fairly expensive trinkets almost daily ???? and then treats me like I'm being a party pooper if I decline buying food from DQ myself or if I say that I cannot afford some random thing that she tells me I should buy 🧍<- shaking with barely concealed frustrated irritation and tears
#I DONT HAVE AN ISSUE W PPL SPENDING MONEY HOWEVER THEY LIKE#I HAVE AN ISSUE WHEN THEY MAKE ME FEEL BAD ABOUT /MY/ FINANCIAL CHOICES THOUGH#OR IF THEY COMPLAIN TO ME ABOUT HAVING NO MONEY#GIRL MAYBE U NEED TO STOP SPENDING IT THEN. PLEASE MAKE SMARTER CHOICES.#i already feel so fucking ashamed of having zero income (literally zero except when i catsit every few months for the neighbour 🙃)#and i already feel awful for being a penny pincher but if i spend anything frivolously then im going to run out of the savings i earned#the savings i earned by not spending any money as a teen and being employed since grade 8. i worked hard for that shit.#and i would like to not run out of it sooner than I absolutely have to bc ... i will have to kms at that point fhdjdkl#if I can't get onto welfare and then disability i will not be able to live bc I'll have no fucking money 😭😭#SO LET ME PINCH MY PENNIES PLEASEEEEE I'd like to be able to fight to get onto welfare before i run out of money !!!!#ITS JUST RLY FUCKING HARD having to just. have her treat me this way.#when its like. life or death for me. and she doesnt even have to buy groceries or pay rent. jfc man#i just. its unfair. it is really so unfair. im so tired of being unable to buy little treats fhfkdl#i dont think ppl are bad for buying little treata but i am incredibly envious !!!! im glad other ppl can do so but i wish i could too !!!#its just so frustrating and humiliating when she tries to invite me to Money Spending Activities and i have to say no#and then she treats me like im a party pooper for it. PLEASEEEE I AM FUCKING POOR !!!!#pippen needs 2nd breakfast
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I <3 blowing up my save files mid-playthrough or after I've beaten the game and feel aimless or I'm three hours in and incredibly indecisive and perfectionistic and have to start over Better this time or I just get really into One Idea and blow up the save for the sole purpose of achieving the One Idea and once I have it's like. Well. What was the point of that actually. And then I blow it up again
#IDK IDK I FEEL LIKE I'M CURSED.........#i swear to god it all started when i realized i'm transgender. experience that changed me forever#OBVIOUSLY. IN POSITIVE WAYS.#but also i just feel like i'm constantly starting over. i used to have master files.#it was actually such an emotionally fucked up experience i used to write my deadname on the back of my 3ds carts#i used to be ambivalent to my deadname until i felt like i had to prove it to myself. and in doingvthat#i did come to appreciate it and it did feel associated w me. or at least what i was meant to embody.#i was always trying to Prove It. to myself. that if i can Prove It i can make this work and get all i've ever wanted#like love. ect ect#in ways i won't elaborate on my name now does honor my deadname. without really being reflective of it at all#which is exactly what i needed esp at that time in my life. it was SUCH a sudden upheaval.#like all of this i've been burying and stomping out for so many years like. once i finally just allowed myself to question.#and be at peace w it. it just all spilled out full force and like. i think i still experience side effects from it LMFAOOOO#like my save files. being unable to revisit certain games. hell even fe becoming one of my main interests#was a direct side effect of me needing a game where i could be myself and not have any prev memories attached#also just. the fucking type of person i am. guy who loves to leave and start over all the fucking time#but also also like. i think it's just the perfectionism sometimes. like eo2 i'm trying to get my party/lore Just Right#so i can fully immerse myself in it and NOT feel bad. for making any amount of changes to my party 😭#I'M SUCH A SENTIMENTAL BITCH. WHO CAN'T HOLD ONTO ANYTHING. WHO REFUSES TO LET GO. WHAT‼️‼️‼️#and w miitopia it's just. i need to update the artwork here it's insane. i gotta fix this. no one is allowed to see this.#anyways. starting over in miitopia and fixing it. i don't even know what my party is gonna be tbh#i usually plan this shit out but again. deep deep DEEPLY rooted Need to just blow everything up forever.
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LOL
so in a really stupid turn of events 😭
my phone decides to break today.
the plus side ? nice guy invited me back to the bar tonite to watch the giants game before all of this happened
but I have no way to let him know I'll be there
or that I'm not ignoring him
smh. got to do this the old fashioned way now.
#left a msg for him at the bar so hopefully someone there passes it along to him#what is my life#can't make this shit up#yes I tried everything#cloud never saved his number#pxk flirting chronicles 💌
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