#i cannot do this anymore my mental health is already in shambles

[jaeyunverse]

are u guys 😭😭😭 seeing this 😭😭😭

[rxpper-roo]

💣 The End Of Everything 💣

{💣}—; It started as nothing more but an ordinary day, I was sitting down and reading one of my favorite books in my collection down in the underwater tube complex I had built connected to my home on Wumpa Island, that led out into the ocean.

A place that I had created to conduct research and if I prefer to spend time with the beautiful sights of the underwater world, and to just be alone for a while. I couldn’t have known this decision to be down here for this point in time would have saved me from initial fallout of a disaster...one that would cause the end of days...

Just as I was about to take a sip of tea I had made for myself I felt the area around me start shaking as a loud boom could be heard beyond the glass of the complex. I quickly got up and looked out a window, and despite being underwater I could see fire and it looked like something terrible must have happened.

So I quickly checked security cameras I have above ground in my home for safety reasons, and saw what looked like a large explosion had taken place and was releasing toxic fumes and radiation. I pondered what could have caused this, and my immediate reaction of course was that this must be the cause of Dr. Cortex. If this were his doing, the he’s going too far this time because being as knowledgeable in many forms of science and history I know that the effects of radiation poisoning and contamination could be very deadly and have terrible consequences.

As a safety measure I locked down the facility including the elevator that went back up...though I felt guilty because I had many associates above ground on the surface who I’d welcome here but I could not go treading through potentially now contaminated grounds and risk my health and safety, thus potentially making my own mental state worse than it needs to be.

Being my underwater facility I at least had plenty of food and water in the event of emergencies, but even supplies as a precaution wouldn’t last forever but I had enough to last a while.

___________________

3 weeks later:

21 Days Without an incident.

As I got up this morning I noticed very quickly that something wasn’t right, the water outside the windows of the tubes started to change color, a more green yellow hue. It would appear as if it’s become ripe with toxic materials. The water levels seem to also be draining, I can’t explain why but I’ve begun to realize that it’s been lonely having no one to talk to...I desperately wish for someone to talk to some days and hope that I don’t have an episode of insanity at this time as for one wrong move could compromise the entire complex and if that should happen...I don’t know if I could hope to attempt a safe escape.

I’ve been using materials I have here to try and figure out a way to craft a breathing mask, for I have no true understanding of what the air quality on the outside could potentially be or if there is anyone still alive out there....goodness I would certainly hope so, if things are as bad as I predict then no one deserves such a fate.

After checking the cameras again above, all I see out there is a ship that I recognize as belonging to Dr. N.Gin that sits right above the tubes and I couldn’t even begin to guess what the doctor is doing...I certainly hope they are not up to not good at this point in time. I could tell the world outside looks worse for wear, the beautiful landscapes have been snuffed out and ruined, it pains me to say even my home and collection of books...some of which were priceless are likely lost to the radiation.

...

During the night the blue kangaroo would feel my head begin to throb to the point as he would breathe heavily, until he felt an uncontrollable sense of fanatical excitement! Feeling a burst of energy he cackled as the mutant would go hopping around the facility. As he placed TNT crates all around the place, his toes and fingers under the straitjacket twitched with anticipation as the crates exploded all around the place for the fun of it! To him it was an excellent time, the explosions, they were fabulous, genius work!

Feeling urges in his head he pressed his face against the glass, from what he’d remember of that is my tongue sticking to it as I peered out into the murky water that seemed to evaporate more and more every time he looked...

Unfortunately for him all this came with a price...

___________________

2 days later:

2 days without an incident.

Unbelievable...it would seem that a crack has begun to form on the tube near the fossil room, and I believe that it’s unfortunately my own doing as I woke up in the night and had another episode. This crack if it grows could put an end to this safe haven I’ve had for the past weeks and....I cannot have that. I needed some way to fix it but how could this happen, I looked at the crack and placed a foot up to it but I wasn’t a fool I ensured to use a thick cloth and when I looked back I saw the cloth was now wet...

Panic began to swell in my stomach...if the time came where I would have to leave this place then I would have to venture out and hope for the best even if it meant no more safety because once the water drained entirely then this place would be no longer safe as it would be completely accessible and exposed to the outside.

I can hear the glass straining, and the more I watched it I can see water dripping from it and I’m always trying to block it to ensure the potentially dangerous water doesn’t cause me trouble.

___________________

No...NO!

It’s a catastrophe! I woke up today to a loud crash and the sound of...glass breaking and a rush of water. Thankfully the emergency protocol did it’s work but I am seeing now that Dr. N. Gin’s ship has been hit with some kind of attack and sunk right on top of the tube complex....breaching the glass on the other side and causing the cracks in my area to spread, I’m afraid this is the end of my facility if the remainder of the water doesn’t contaminate everything the poisoned water will.

My...how strange that feels, my stomach feels warm and as I feel chills across my body and I feel my knees shaking I know what this is, I’m scared and I’m not afraid to admit it to myself. I’m fearful of what is going to become of me and what fate I will meet if I don’t leave before it’s too late.

I have to go, and so I’ve quickly assembled any and all supplies I still have here into a pack and placed it around myself like a backpack, soon the tubes will collapse and see the end of their days and even if the water is at an all time low and when it inevitably dries out...the tubes won’t be a haven for anyone anymore.

...

The moment I took the elevator up, thank goodness it still worked otherwise I’d be stranded and have no choice but to wait to die...upon exiting I felt my lungs and eyes burn and string with unsavory air and atmosphere that had me coughing as I wasn’t used to this.

But I pushed forward through what remained of my home which was dusty and had piles of strange substance even on the dusty old books of which some survived most didn’t.

So I stepped to the entrance of my home and looked out to see what appeared to be a land unlike what I knew it to be...it was like an industrial sector....and not much water left where the ocean should have plenty all I saw was mostly dry land.

___________________

Once night had come to an end I ventured out to see that the water had reached an all time low and I could see my underwater or now desert facility completely dilapidated and in shambles. All that work and time...completely destroyed. But it surely didn’t matter now given how the entire surrounding area looked, I could see clear marks of graffiti along the surrounding area and others moving around...I was feeling hungry so I prepared some of the leftovers I managed to salvage all as an attempt to stay out of conflict as long as possible.

But while scavenging around closer to my old home I found some spray cans, and other items that I notice there is a lot of perhaps I should make use of such things...I don’t quite know what the future will hold from here but I must learn to make the most of it now.

...

I opened my eyes the next morning to the strong scent of smoke and ash, not a good sign but I most certainly hoped that there was no one hostile nearby. I hadn’t seen really anyone so I had no idea of the presence of survivors or if there was few to none, of if anyone I knew was alive or not.

Checking my supplies I took a drink of water...remembering to be careful because once I was out I would have to scavenge for more. I kept and decided I should see how the land has changed, see if there is anyone around whatsoever. Surely I couldn’t be alone, but not knowing what could be out here after the initial blast had me concerned.

Feeling my eyes continuing to sting I knew eventually I’d get used to it, but I didn’t know what kinds of ill effects it could potentially have in the open. So I went through my backpack to check if I had something that could help my eyes...taking some time I dug around in the backpack with my foot and pulled out some goggles with red lenses that could help. Deciding this would be better than just simply glasses for obvious reasons I placed them over my eyes, having me see everything in red yet hopefully the air could clear up more so I don’t have to constantly wear these.

Regardless I made my way down looking at large towers and makeshift buildings including a large watertower with graffiti of what looked like Dr. Cortex’s face with a metal half. “Megamix” That face he had in the drawing sent shivers along my spine...I didn’t have a very good feeling about what I was looking at there.

During my exploration I thought rather than waiting to look for supplies I should perhaps just do it now so I don’t starve or go thirsty. It would be the smart thing to do, and while it’s likely been pillaged already I thought the ship belonging to Dr. N. Gin could hold something, I didn’t know what I’d find inside but I’d be prepared to defend myself if needed.

I knew the ship was essentially responsible for destroying my underwater facility and thus driving me out into the open but I couldn’t ignore potential supplies. So I very carefully climbed up into the torn hull and into the ship where I saw wreckage of abandoned crew uniforms and what looked like the impression of a walrus in the wall as if he’d rammed the wall.

How peculiar...however it didn’t matter in the end. If there was something still behind there I’d rather not see any grotesque remains so I stayed on the other side looking for anything useful to pick up. I came across not much except a still sealed canister of water that was buried under rubbish, possibly hidden so that it wasn’t yet found by anyone. I also peered upon a red scarf that I took with me from there as well.

Upon hearing some voices I decided it was best to take my leave and head back, noticing that these people...on the way out appeared to be some of Dr. Cortex’s old lab assistants. I heard them mention something about the bandicoots, telling me they must still be lurking around somewhere...I might have to figure out who else is out there for there are some I would trust.

I hope on the way home, no one saw me and I’m not being followed because I would not like to fall into unwanted conflict.

___________________

Once I had arrived home again, at least what remains of it I took a seat and had a quick meal. Knowing that things would only get rougher from here. My first night without a roof over my head besides the ruins of my home, I hear strange sounds at night and I haven’t seen a familiar face out here yet but I try my best to keep my sanity. I woke up late in the night, and I could’ve sworn I felt something push it’s snout up against me but I cannot be sure. It quite honestly shakes me to my core. I’m fully capable of defending myself but I couldn’t have the slightest idea of what’s out there...

[honestsportsopinion]

Juventus “bland” team performance

After yesterday’s Juventus loss to Napoli, I believed it was my time to write a bit about situation going on there and where has team energy went away. Why close to the same players under Allegri could fight back but under Sarri there is bland team by the words of man himself.

P.S. All sources used making this article are linked at the end of it. If anyone is interested to read more about situation.

Few pointers before we go deeper:

Maurizio Sarri, coach of Juventus, doesn’t like player rotation.

Fabio Paratici, Chief Football Officer for Juventus, says team is complete. They don’t need any new players.

 At the same time club want to loan out Marko Pjaca (Forward – Left Winger) to Cagliari.

Emre Can (Defensive Midfielder - Central Midfielder) and Mattia de Sciglio (Right-Back - Left-Back - Right Midfielder) are up for the sale because neither fit plan of the coach.

 By not rotating, selling and loaning out so many players, and not buying new ones Juventus could run in problems each time any of the players become injured.

Where should I start? Let’s start with head of the all aka the coach. The one person that should spark want to play in his players. After yesterdays match Napoli vs Juventus in after game interview he said such things:

“It was a bad game; we had the wrong approach, intensity and psychological interpretation, which was followed by physical interpretation. This cannot be us, evidently.”

So what went wrong here? It is evident that coach can’t get through his players. Sarri needs to be one to break through them, reassure their mentality is charged for the win. If you know your player isn’t ready mentally, there is bigger possibility they will get injured. My friend is PT and she says that mentality and physical health are interconnected. Also this is the team sport where everyone is connected and if one link of line doesn’t work, whole line goes dead.

“I chose this trio because they all seemed to be in good shape, the midfield appeared balanced enough to sustain them, but I don’t see any individuals to blame for this. The whole team was bland.”

Ronaldo and Higuain at the front while Dybala is like second striker/attacking midfielder. You already can see how this could fail in so many ways. Even if Dybala’s main position is second striker, over the years with Allegri he had become more like center forward or right winger. Also we all have seen Dybala’s tantrum past matches when he has gotten subbed off. While Juventus have other player’s sitting on bench for matches and matches, staying quite. This frustration of his shows in the way he plays.

“We should’ve felt more motivated to break away rather than less, otherwise it'll mean we’re weak. I would hope not. If that situation weighed on us, even unconsciously, it means we aren’t ready yet.”

As we can see in last quote he says they all should have felt more motivated. That shows that Sarri himself wasn’t motivated enough for this match. Which makes you question is he even committed to Juventus club values of trying to win always, fighting till the last minute? Right now it feels like new coach of Juventus can’t be bothered to win against his previous club. If that doesn’t make Juventus board think they did mistake by appointing Sarri, I don’t know if anything will.

“I am happy for the lads, as I will always be fond of them. If you have to lose, I guess I’d rather it be here to help Napoli get out of their current problems. I’d rather they started winning next week, of course…”

If coach himself doesn’t give a damn about club he is coaching, why should players care. It all comes down to right management in teams. You have to honour the club you are coaching first; you have to be prime example for your players. What does Juventus players see? Their coach is happy that other team beat theirs. It won’t help with already crumbling team mentality in the team. Sarri can blame players, can blame them not understanding his kind of football but it will always go back to him.

Next one up, we have the captain of the team. Chiellini has been injured for most of the first half of the season. He has Juventus spirit in him and he is amazing leader of the team. Sarri himself said to Sky Sport Italia: “Chiellini brings a certain mentality to games and situations so would certainly raise the aggression level.”  As he has been injured, another person has to wear that armband.

Everyone was expecting Dybala or Khedira or anyone else who has been loyal to the club to get this captain armband. Because that would be logical at such tough time of changes to choose someone who has been there for long time. Leonardo Bonucci was chosen as the team captain. This news came as surprise to everyone. Fans still hadn’t forgiven him for whole AC Milan thing and team players neither seemed too keen on him. For example, Juan Cuadrado pushing Bonucci, his team’s captain. It is troubling sign that everyone simply closed their eyes one, saying that Cuadrado was angry because he got red card. What everyone swipes under the mat, Cuadrado got it while doing not so clean clear out on ball because defence was nowhere to be found.

Many fans believe this is one of the main problems. The thing with Bonucci is that he doesn’t know when to stop talking, when he is over stepping fine line. Juventus ultras, from what I have heard from my sources, despise him with passion.

All this has added more frustration to Dybala; he is like bomb with timer on it. Yes, we can’t call him as young player but he has always gotten what he wants in the end but right now they are not. I hope people are ready that it is about to explode. Because once it does, there won’t be anyone who will be able to stop him.

Conclusion, Juventus as team is in shambles. Their coach doesn’t care about the team and says he can’t motivate it. Players have started to become individuals, not valuing team. Their own wants and needs have become the number one priority. There is no team in that club anymore no matter what they are trying to show outer world. Juventus is crumbling to pieces slowly. May the club realise what is happening before it is too late.

P.P.S. Feel free to ask questions or send in requests about which club or their problems I should look deeper in. I’m always open to the suggestions.

Sources:

Dey, U. (14.09.2019.). ​Maurizio Sarri Says he Can’t Rotate the Team Because Juventus are Still Searching for an Identity.

Football Italia staff. (20.09.2019.). Sarri: Italy 'obsessed' with rotation.

Football Italia staff. (22.01.2020.). Paratici: 'Pjaca close to Cagliari'.

Football Italia staff. (26.01.2020.). Bonucci: 'Valuable lesson for Juventus'.

Football Italia staff. (26.01.2020.). Paratici: 'Emre and De Sciglio could go'.

May, S. (26.01.2020.). Maurizio Sarri: Juventus Manager Brands Serie A Champions 'Bland And Passive' Following Napoli Loss.

[a-bear-at-hogwarts]

answer everything on the talk about the muse asks uwu

LEE I HOPE YOU KNOW I WOULD DIE FOR YOU thank you so much oh my g o d Literally every ask; all about Dahlia Goldman!! :>!!

🍯 for a food headcanon

Dahlia is allergic to a substance called theobromine!! Usually the biggest trouble it causes her is chocolate, as anything much stronger than a white to very milky usually has enough to cause her trouble, but it would take an astounding amount to actually kill her - same story with caffeine!! It’s linked to how her biology is affected by the Sítheach curse, giving her physical traits usually associated with bears

🥛for a drink headcanon

Dahlia cannot stand pumpkin juice -  it’s not the taste or anything, but it just feels so slimy and pulpy and gross and she absolutely loathes it

🐢 for a mental health headcanon

Dahlia’s environment growing up instilled in her the belief that she can’t fully trust anyone - not her friends, not her family, nobody. Her heart is open and she grows to care for people almost too fast, but she just can’t shake the voice in the back of her mind that’s a constant reminder she doesn’t know for certain that she’s safe around these people. In large part this is due to her mother -  from childhood she enforced that people hid things, and that could be highly dangerous.  In addition, her father was killed by a man he had thought was his friend - in actuality he’d been a sleeper agent for the Death Eaters. 

Knowing everything she does, it takes her a long time to relinquish anything that can’t be reversed.

🦄 for a physical health headcanon

Okay. The Goldman’s?? Buff as hell. 

From the fact that martial combat is something Sítheach legacies are raised into so that they can defend themselves, to the specific Goldman wariness that encourages the family to maintain their physical condition, to the fact that the curse increases their mass both muscular and otherwise in order to make the transition from human to beast less straining on the body, its a rare Goldman that doesn’t look like an extra from a Viking documentary. In addition, there aren’t many who don’t have a story-map of scars across their skin from various misadventures.

⌛for a sleep headcanon

Up until year three, Dahlia was trying her very hardest to just not sleep. There were too many people around for her to risk transformation, and she just plain didn’t want to. Why should she sleep and risk all the negative that came with it?

But then Talbott appeared, and gave her an option - and she became an animagus.

It was such a huge risk, considering Sítheach legacies were completely outlawed from becoming animagi centuries ago. There would have been no trial for her if she had been found out. But for the chance to rest peacefully, to sleep through the night without the gnawing fear that she would have hurt people or destroyed the life she’d built in the magical world, for the way it muffled the Call to the quietest whisper at the edge of her consciousness - it was more than worth it to her. And she gained a confident along the way :>!!

💕 for a love headcanon

Oh What a disaster she is. On one hand, Dahlia is a master of under-the-table flirting that leaves you breathless and asking questions. If she’s interested romantically, she lets you know in actions rather than words - singing a specific song in your general area, dressing slightly differently around you, making special note and adjusting accordingly. But the second you actually do something overt in response?? An absolute mess

All of a sudden words aren’t working and she can’t look anywhere without flutters - she has no idea what to do with her hands, and often seems almost scared to touch whoever she’s interacting with even if she was holding their hand or dancing with them only a moment ago

(remind me to talk about my ideas for how she and Merula first begin to realise their feelings because it’s a thing I wanna expand on :>!!!)

💣 for a stress headcanon

Unfortunately Dahlia’s approach to stress is pretty similar to her approach to most emotions she doesn’t want - repression. Just ignore it and it’ll go away eventually!

When she can’t deal with a buzzing mind, too full of thoughts and worries, she does something until she’s exhausted - fistfights the dummies in the duelling room, runs until she can’t anymore, anything really. Just so long as it drives her out of her head.

😵 for a sickness headcanon

Oh Dahlia is almost always in the hospital wing - before she learnt episkey, she was a regular due to her constantly getting scrapes and bruises she just paid no attention to at all until the teachers forced her to get them looked at. She doesn’t get viruses or bacterial illnesses very often, but when she does it’s denial city - what do you mean I can’t go to class it’s just a runny nose and a cough I’m fine

🤲 for a religious headcanon

The Goldman’s aren’t religious per se, but there are some folk-superstitions that stick. There’s a horseshoe over their door, and lavender in the pillows - and not one of them will ever set foot in a faerie circle.

🏡 for a home headcanon

When they first bought their property, the family house was in shambles. Dahlia’s mother and father worked on it together, her mother doing the physical placing of new beams and other physical elements while her father handled the magical parts. It became sort of a patchwork tower, adding bits as they needed them - it doesn’t make sense per se, but it’s still home. And at the end of the day, it was the only place Dahlia felt secure for the longest time. 

🍬 for a family headcanon

Mama Goldman is a 7′2 absolute beast of a lady who can and will kick your ass if you give her reason to. She’s known as one of the most dangerous members of the Sítheach legacy, constantly alert and never unarmed.

She’s also the dork who looked at a florists son, a big nerd who would Not Stop Rambling to the pretty and ripped lady who agreed to go get coffee with him about how muggle understanding of plant families could influence potion making and thought “Oh I can’t not marry him”

Dahlia is very much a mamma’s girl in a lot of ways

💼 for a work headcanon

In the future, Dahlia finds employment as an instructor for an elective course available to aurors in training! Hand to hand, escapism and muggle interactions are all handled in her classroom ^-^

⛈️ for a sadness headcanon

Okay so

At the beginning of the canon storyline, it’s been two years since Jacob has vanished. The likelihood of missing persons returning to their families decreases by the hour - something the Goldman’s would definitely know.

Dahlia believes Jacob is dead all the way up until he appears again. They all do. They buried an empty grave for him, they mourned, and as the years passed they moved on. 

It utterly destroys Dahlia to know Jacob is alive, for two reasons; the first is that she stopped looking for him, they all did - during her investigation of the vaults all she was searching for was a body to bury. The second is that he reappears right as there’s strife amongst the family that he knows nothing about. Hell the summer before he’s found she buries her uncle.All she knows is that she couldn’t handle mourning him again.

😡 for an anger headcanon

Anger isn’t something Dahlia feels like she’s allowed. It’s too dangerous, too much of a risk for her to hold on to something like that because anger leads to adrenaline, and adrenaline leads to the change, and the change leads to bloodshed-

but oh, sometimes she just can’t help it.  There’s so much anger that simmers below her constraints, bitterness at how she’s treated by ministry and adults and frustration at herself for her fear and closed-off nature. Sometimes she just can’t bottle it, and when that happens she usually takes it out of a training dummy. Better than taking it out on a person.

💩 for a ridiculous headcanon

The real reason Dahlia never actually met her DADA teacher before Rakepick was because it always took place during the time of the day she was most tired, so she would just sleep through it every time. 

What? She’s got teachers permission and already knew basically everything being taught. It was fiiiiiiiiiine

🌼 for a happiness headcanon

In quiet moments alone in her room, Dahlia enjoys playing the guitar. She can play half a dozen love ballads, a handful of old folk songs, a couple popular pop songs. It’s what she does when she feels safe to lose herself.

After a couple of years of friendship with Talbott, he’s the first person she feels like she can play in front of while he’s visiting over the summer. He’s quiet as she does so, usually absorbed in whatever else it is that he’s got in his hands, most often a piece of writing. It’s a part of their mutual understanding that they don’t interrupt each other, but that they’re simply content in the company.It’s nice, after spending so long afraid of contact, to just share one of the tiniest parts of yourself that never ordinarily sees the light of day

[everyoneneedsalisteningear]

Dear possible future counsellor/therapist,

I hate to be that kind of patient, those that did their kinda whole background reading online and come to you expecting that you confirm what they have already diagnosed for yourself and in the whole process, kind of not trust you if you tell them otherwise.

...I'm very sorry, but I am this kind of patient.

I know it is annoying, but let's face it, in this day and age, who wouldn't find and see things on the internet? We all need to start adapting our ways to deal with such patients. To get them to trust you without wholly discrediting the "homework" they did and believe in.

I would also like to bring up the prevalence of mental health issues in my generation. It is almost like a joke now amongst a ton of us, that we have no life goals, that we're just dissatisfied with life in general and it's a slob, where we're always alone and sad --- there's a whole meme culture for this called dank memes, and the amount of people that relate to this is quite a lot.

many many people in our generation are identifying as having anxiety and depression, and it is truly a whole community worth of people.

But I need to tell you this, and I want you to believe me. As much as I find these depressing jokes very funny and relatable, that isn't the reason why I'm here, and that isn't the reason why I choose to feel this way.

I wouldn't want to be here if I didn't feel like I needed to be. Feeling this way sucks. I want my old self back. I didn't choose for this to happen. The main reason why I am here, is because I feel that what I am going through seems abnormal. Emotions are supposed to be relatively rational, in a sense that if you're worried, something worth worrying about has happened/if you're sad, something sad has happened etc.

The thing is, I feel a pang of sadness that comes out of nowhere. For no particular reason whatsoever worth me feeling THIS sucky. I have a quote from myself, once when I was going through those times, that goes "can I fall sick or something so I have a legit reason to feel this shitty".

There was literally nothing going on. My life is uneventful like that. I could just be studying. I could even be hanging out with my beloved friends, who put up with so much more of my crap than they should be subjected to, I could be alone doing things I love like dancing or watching a movie or even eating, and there would be times where my chest hurts and I feel like crying. It's funny because it's not so much sadness, but like I like to describe it, I'm simply, down. Kind of like you're some heavy rock. Then obviously you don't feel like doing anything except lie on a bed and wallow in self-pity.

My baseline, I would describe it as a certain extent of self-consciousness. There is an inner monologue in my head going on most of the time, thinking through things I want to do or say. I remember once, for 2 days straight, I was functional as heck. Inner monologue me wasn't there, and I socialised well and was alone well as well. I was happy and content, and I never felt so confident with myself.

But that was awhile ago, and the muck creeped back in over time.

Inner monologue me is frustrating. When my chest hurts, it screams my motto at me (kinda the coping mechanism I found for myself over the year), which is that the lower I feel, the more I must fight it. "Fight it, resist it you idiot!", it would scream at me. At other times when my mind is racing, there's just many inner monologue mes talking over each other. Sometimes it's not just me, it's replayed conversations from my past, just coming back here and there. If it doesn't reach a peak, that's manageable. But sometimes, the talking gets faster and faster, and my heart starts to race and I get kinda panicky and I really need to find some way to break it. Usually I change my activity or find another distraction. Sleeping does not work.

But these aren't the worst things. Let me tell you about my worst fear. It used to be that I was scared I wasn't a good person at heart. That's no longer the case, after I started feeling something different.

It started with a rare, seemingly one-off episode, like my chest-hurting which is much more common now..., where I was just suddenly acutely aware that I am a person, alive in this world, and I am me.

I don't like talking about it because imagining it may make me go there, and I don't want to go there. I lose myself there. It's like I don't even know who I am anymore, and I'm just some... thing controlling this human I call "me" in this weird universe we call reality. I feel like an avatar, in a first person game, navigating my way around. Even when I talk to my friends, sometimes it's like talking to them through a screen. That is my worst fear. That I lose myself completely, that I start contemplating about things I can't put into words, when reality falls apart and seems like some sort of game. When I am detached from the world around me and everything seems muffled, and everything overwhelms me all at once. Where I feel alone and yet I don't know who I am. That is my worst fear. This may sound melodramatic, but.. sinking into oblivion like into a deep dark sea with no one around you, no sounds of life, blurry visions, no start and no end, like being trapped in some kind of weird limbo? yeah that's the stuff.

...

So, I feel like I need to pull myself out of that for awhile now and just let you know some of my counselling history. I went to the school counsellor for a couple of sessions and stopped completely. I have no intention of going back to see her, ever, because it wasn't a good fit.

Granted, I wasn't always completely honest with her but that's in a way of me just feeling weird to be so dramatic about my emotions. Like how I am usually like with friends and family, I tend to joke around alot and be very sarcastic, and I do that especially when talking about serious and sad things like that.

I suppose I wasn't taken very seriously then, because she kept reassuring me that there is nothing wrong with me, just some self-confidence issues.

Now...you must see where this is a problem. For me, at least.

I, am someone who has been writing diary entries since I was in kindergarten. I love writing whenever I had something I wanted to share. Writing was my outlet, writing is where I tell stories about my life and usually, make them sound better than they actually were, but that's just a speciality of mine. Also, and most importantly, writing made me my own counsellor.

I've been solving my own problems, insecurities and whatnot, via writing for the past like 13/14 years. I wouldn't be here, if I didn't think that there was something really wrong with me, that was abnormal, that I cannot rationalise myself out of, and that I need professional help with.

So when I've gathered all my courage to approach a mental health professional, telling them I think I may need help, telling me that nothing is wrong with me is NOT reassuring.

What does that mean? If nothing is wrong with me, that means that whatever emotions I'm feeling and whatever thoughts I'm having, that there is a reason to them. That they make sense, and it's a normal reaction to things happening in my life. But that's not the case! I feel and think these things REGARDLESS!

So how do you explain this, if there is "nothing wrong with me"??

It was really frustrating. I felt like she didn't believe me, and once, when I told her I really didn't feel like getting out of bed and doing anything at all, feeling unmotivated etc, she laughed and said, oh right, like feeling too lazy to do anything right and I was like. okay. no.

Being lazy, is a whole other issue altogether.

I'm not someone, to not do important things, and let myself fall apart, simply because of laziness. I won't let myself. Which is why I've been fighting it even more nowadays, because I gave in to it initially when I first felt it for the first few times. Back then, I thought well maybe if I really sink myself into it, I'll "use it up" and then I can move on. You know how they say, accepting the emotion instead of being in denial so you can find out what's wrong, accept it and then move on. But nooo.... I let myself sink into it, and only got out a few months later. It was horrible. That period of my life is a blur, I don't even know what was going on, I was just surviving blindly.

She did, eventually, give me a referral to some mental health organisation because I think she could tell that I was exasperated she wasn't giving me a diagnosis of some sort (my fault, sorry), but then I met another kind of frustration.

The man I talked to, basically told me that I wasn't depressed enough to have depression.

Oh, your life isn't in complete shambles? Oh, you can still get out of bed in the morning? Oh, you haven't missed a bunch of meals or ate until your stomach exploded? Oh, you still have friends? Yeah, I don't think you're depressed. You're fine.

Excuse me, perhaps I feel these ways in a milder version. I may not feel like eating, but I eat something anyway because I'm not to the point where I want to starve myself. Besides, eating is a coping mechanism for me. A great distraction. So not eating? yeah no, not gonna happen. Eating too much? I eat a lot normally, so it's not really a thing. I really can't tell the difference. But yes, now, I do see the differences abit more clearly perhaps after a longer period of monitoring myself, I do eat less when I'm down. But not to the point of not eating because I'm not suicidal yet.

Sleep patterns is a whole other thing. I can safely tell you that when I am down, I sleep past 2am, unless I have a headache and have to sleep earlier. Because I lose track of time, and I don't want to be alone with my head. I get a bad feeling about it sometimes. Which is why I can't be alone, usually, when I'm down because I'm scared that negative thoughts will overwhelm me.

The thing is though, I am someone who also wants to be empowered to live their life, so I'm not going to just sit back and let all these things ruin my life. I fight back. So to say that as if my grades are slipping like shit and I'm going to LET it? nope, not gonna happen. I have a career ahead of me and no matter how shitty I feel and how unmotivated I am to do anything about it, you'd be sure I will sit myself on that chair, and I will stare at my laptop screen until I do some work. No it will not be my best work. But it will be something. So to say that I'm going to let all these things happen and me just letting it be, as a sign of depression? no. I felt insulted, if I have to be completely honest.

So at that point I did get pissed, and outrightly asked him, "okay so if I don't have depression, what is this? why do I feel all this? there has to be a reason for it", and he finally gave in not fighting me on it, that I may have depressive symptoms, but then added, but not to the point of depression yet.

I guess it was the most I could get out of him at that point.

I feel bad that I want people to diagnose me. I want to feel that these thoughts and emotions to be validated by a mental health issue, because, like what I asked him, if this isn't it, them give me a good reason why my thoughts and emotions are irrational!

I believe I made my stand clear ... I hope to hear what you have to say. Thank you for listening.