#i could talk for a long while about how insensitive and also kind of ironic it is that it's from the Globe Theatre

[wake-me-up-inside-imagines]

Hello! Could I request Ace and Levi from drdt with a fem! ult novelist who is tired all the time and overworks herself?

Sure thing! I feel like these two boys are kinda underrated in the fandom so I'm happy to write for them!

Ace and Levi with a Fem! ultimate novelist S/O who's constantly tired

Warnings: none

Fem! reader

Levi:

-Concerned boyfriend

-He has a deep appreciation for your talent and the dedication you put into your writing, but he hates seeing how normal it is for you to be so exhausted all the time

-But he also kind of gets it, there will be times when he's so invested in his work that he'll forget to take care of himself as well

-He understands that it's not as simple as getting up and going to bed, especially when you have the intense need to finish something, no matter how long it takes

-That being said, he'll do as much as can to help you manage your sleep and your work balance

-He'll make a planner setting aside ample time to work, while also giving you time for yourself and to sleep, Scheduled around your working needs

-Like if you do you're best writing at night he'll set your work hours for the evening or vise versa, as well as how long it typically takes you to get a certain amount of work done

-If you refuse to come to bed, he'll straight up just... pick you up and carry you to your bed

-He'll stay with you if you have a hard time sleeping, he has a very comforting presence

-He often helps you with writing ideas during your writer blocks, he knows how much they stress you out and he doesn't want you to be stressed

-More on the writing side of things, he loves talking to you about your books (He's read them all and has the next one on preorder)

-He enjoys hearing about your writing process, what inspires you, if any of your books are inspired by real events or people, ect

-Once your newest novel drops, he reads it as fast as possible so he can discuss it with you

-He's also just enamored by the way you write, you're not called the ultimate novelist for no reason after all

-Whilst reading, he can tell how much love, effort, and care you put into the writing, perfecting every last detail

-He's super proud of you, he just hopes you'll sleep more once you begin working on your next book

Ace:

-Ok I mean this in the nicest possible way...

-He thinks your lack of sleep is stupid

-Has the mentality of "why are you tired? Just sleep lol"

-Even after you explain it to him, he doesn't really understand why you don't sleep

-But he has enough braincells to understand that it impacts you pretty heavily so he stops insulting it

-He didn't see why it was a big deal at first, but after using his observation skills for once, he's like "oh shit this is an actual issue, uh oh"

-He wants to help you because even though he can be insensitive he loves you, but also, he's Ace so his methods are a bit more... harsh I guess? (annoying is probably a better word actually). But they are super effective

-He has this really strategic way of getting you to sleep, he calls it "annoy Y/N until she has no choice but to sleep because I won't shut up until she does"

-As I said, it's very effective

-Once nighttime rolls around, he'll start whining and begging for you to come to bed with him because 'he saw a shadow move and he needs you to protect him from it' or some dumb shit like that

-He's purposefully playing up his anxiety to get you to sleep and it's working surprisingly well

-If you still refuse, he'll just keep bugging you, it's not like you can work with him constantly talking anyway so you might as well sleep

-He also has an iron grip on you while he sleeps so good luck trying to get up after he falls asleep to do more work because that's not happening

-I can't say he's read all of your books because I'd be lying (he doesn't strike me as an avid reader tbh) but he does want to read the one you've been working on

-Once it's out, he'll read it and praise you on your work (although it'll probably take him awhile to finish)

-He genuinely likes your writing and he's decided to go and read your other stuff now

(I hope you enjoyed! I feel kinda bad for clowning on Ace so much but it's just so easy to do, I had to)

[yellowocaballero]

You're writing's really unique, so I'm curious what your answers would be to questions 30 and 39 on the fic question list, if no one's asked you yet

(took a while to get to this sry jaldf) These are really good Qs. The first answer is actually pretty long.

30. Have you ever written something that was out of your comfort zone? If so, what was it, and how did it affect your approach to writing fic thereafter?

Yes. Almost every fic I write and publish on AO3 is out of my comfort zone. I think the biggest example is Martin from my TMA days - you can tell in my early stuff I really just had NO idea what to do with him, so I sat down and wrote an introspective Martin-focused piece. So I could write a fic from his POV and another fic half from his POV. I figured out how to write a good Martin by the end of it. I frequently write characters I'm uncomfortable with just to get them down better. I do this with genre too - I write a lot of genres I'm unfamiliar with and that I kind of hate, just to practice skills and learn storytelling and tropes better. I also mimic writing styles and methods of storytelling I really admire. This involves a ton of research, which is all very stupid.

I think to answer that question in a different way, too - I cover a lot of topics that are really easy to do very badly, and to probably do them pretty offensively. My Iron Fist fic was really, really dramatically out of my lane and really out of my comfort zone on the topic (about being from two cultures, being an immigrant, and being adopted) and I was drawing a lot from cultures that I was completely unfamiliar with. I really don't regret writing that story though. It ended up so good.

In Human Resources that I wrote ages ago, I ended up being kind of forced to write about the impact of slavery on a Black Briton in the 1800s. Obviously I don't like writing about slavery. But at a certain point it's disingenuous not to. It would be dishonest not to talk about the impact of slavery on a Black person in the 1800s. I decided that it was the lesser evil to talk about that effect on Jon than it was to just politely pretend it didn't exist. Additionally, to make it worse, Jon was the bad guy in that fic and kind of a fascist. Bad character to make shaped by slavery lol. He was in a kinda abusive friendship with Jonah, who took advantage of the effect that slavery had on his life and his easily exploited position in 1800s society. It was a lot....but I couldn't not talk about it. And once I did, I had to realize that these formative experiences were the base, visceral, root reason for everything he did. Everything that guy did is because he's from the 1800s. But that just ended up informing the final lesson there that Jon was a good person - he just never got the chance to be good. And despite all of the horror he's lived through, he will still choose to be a good person if he just has the chance. Also that he was a girlboss for his atrocities in the 1800s he could just do whatever. He was valid in all his murders until like 1970 I'm serious. Writing this Jon actually really impacted how I thought about environmental and situational trauma.

Lastly, writing Moon Knight and the DID thing was obviously out of my comfort zone too. I just did some cursory research at first, because I wanted to be respectful but I didn't want the story to be about DID. The first two stories I wrote for MK were comic books, 100% - ungrounded, fictionalized, and made for a narrative. This is how I avoided having to write DID realistically haha.

Then I got more comfortable with it and more interested in Marc as a character. I ended up writing a story that was way, way, way more directly about Marc's issues. That was genuinely pretty out of my comfort zone. And the story I'm writing right now, I am being SO INSENSITIVE -

The way I decided to write Jake ("What if local alter was a complete stereotype? What if I called him an evil serial killer constantly?") was a, uh, risky move. But I stand by it. It created a great character. I just had to be really excruciatingly careful about how I wrote him lol. I think I succeeded!!

So yeah always out of my comfort zone lol. But that's what's funnnnnn. I like to learn & grow. I rub my little raccoon hands at the chance to do something new and exciting. Writing is hype and I love to see myself do badly at a novel the first time and knock it out of the park a second time.

39. Is any aspect of your writing process inspired by other writers or people? If so, who?

For sure. My comedy is directly in the style of Catch-22, and other very fast paced frenetic style comedies like that. Pushing Daisies also in terms of strangeness and kinda quirkiness. Buffy also had to be an impact on my banter. I like comedy where it feels like you're inhaling a deep breath and then saying everything as fast as possible on the exhale.

Wait the question is asking for the actual process. Uh no, no process. I don't have a writing process. When I'm really in the middle of a story I sit down after work and I write until I go to bed, pausing only for life stuff. Writing itself is just sitting down in a chair in my free time and beating out the tunes, it's not complicated. I've started outlining lately, which is nice. The story idea almost always comes from joking and throwing around ideas with friends, which is...new, probably.

From what I get it's a little backwards, but mostly I'm like "hmm I want to write" and then I pick something to write. When I want to write something specific it's more from a place of "I REALLY want to finish this story". It's only sometimes the other way around. I was like "I'm rly into Moon Knight right now and I want to write somethingg" so I thought about it nonstop and joked with friends until I had a solid idea. I ask people to give me writing ideas but yall are USELESS A LOT OF THE TIME.

I don't write every day but it's what I like to do the best. I do it when I'm bored or when I need a distraction. My friends look over it and give feedback sometimes. I do it to destress. Dunno how other people do it lol.

[nagirambles]

Hi do you do headcanons on crack / semi pairing ? If you do could I please request juvia x Gajeel please thank u if u don’t want to that total fine no worries, I just think their would have a healthy relationship UWU

Oh, I definitely do! Only when I have time tho, so sorry this took so long to reply to! ❤ 

Honestly, I agree! Their relationship, even in canon, is very healthy. That’s very ironic because they’re associated with two of the more ‘problematic’ big four with stalker/abusive allegations and all. Of course I mildly disagree with those, but it’s just rather interesting. 

So, I’ll head right into it! These can be interpreted as either platonic and romantic, whatever. 

Juvia and Gajeel. They were first matched together as a duo, not just because of similarities in age (we don’t know Gajeel’s, but Aria and Sol are definitely much older) but also because Juvia is quiet. it’s like a school teacher putting the troublemaker beside the quietest kid in class in hope he’ll behave, you know?

I like to think the DS all vaguely, if not instinctively, remember each other. So although Gajeel doesn’t remember Wendy, he does remember that anything little and blue and female must be protected, or the stupid pervert Vulcans will snatch them away when they’re not looking (they probably had to look out for Wendy before this, since she doesn’t know attack magic). Headcanon he also mildly associates this with Levy, but Juvia’s the first!

Gajeel latched right onto Juvia immediately because of that and decided to watched over her the moment she came in. He get spretty angry because she’s kind of airheaded and slow when it comes to self-preservation (her water/rain usually does it all defense for her, so she doesn’t know how to actively take care of herself.)

People usually consider Juvia gloomy and avoid her even in Phantom, but Gajeel doesn’t mind. He likes the taste of rust, and with Juvia around, there’s always plenty. He’s also in the gloomy category with iron and slums, so they match. 

Gajeel and Juvia take turns being ‘talks a lot’ and ‘listens’. Gajeel rambles a lot about music even though he’s awful at it, but Juvia grows to love his tone-deaf singing and eventually gets bad taste in music too. She likes things chaotic and muddled and nonsensical, because Gajeel talked about them with so much passion she couldn’t help but love it too. 

Neither Juvia nor Gajeel are ever too worried about each other when they go off alone. Juvia doesn’t think a natural disaster can possibly attempt to do any serious harm to Gajeel, and Gajeel would be more worried about what would happen to the ecosystem around Phantom Lord if Juvia loses a battle. Are the plants going to be alright if they suddenly get three times more sun? (He says this to kind of make fun of her, by playfully stating her eternal rain is vital to the flowers on the road, and Juvia would always whine about him being an insensitive jerk. Neither of them take any real offense, though.) 

Juvia has piercings and tattoos in usually hidden places. I’m thinking around the bellybutton area, or maybe even somewhere more uncharacteristical to show off an unexpected vixen side. She doesn’t show it off because she’s been raised to dress modestly, but she proudly shows the ones she can when she’s in swimsuits or home clothing. 

Juvia's clothing and boots are just slightly studded with stainless steel to give some form and weight. It’s a choice she came to while living with Gajeel, because the extra weight is useful for hand combat and balance. She’s not a nimble fighter, so she doesn’t need speed. She finds comfort in the extra weight. Gajeel also has a similar quirk in that he usually wears swim trunks under his clothing, or some of his clothes are waterproof. He’s always had to wear something that can dry easily in Phantom because of Juvia, and now it’s just a habit. 

Juvia had a makeover when joining FT in after TOH because she asked Gajeel how she’d make a good renewal impression, and his answer was to have an image change, into a more wild and unreserved version of herself. (Hence, the shorter, spikier hair, and the exposed shoulders, kind of a very loose imitation of Gajeel if you squint.) The reason Gajeel didn’t bother with following his own advice is that he didn’t give a crap. 

They would never stop each other from doing something, because they’re both very well aware that whatever the consequences, it’ll probably be fine because their dumbass of a partner won’t die from it. Let them face their own consequences, I’ll be here to say I told you so, dummy. And Gajeel and Juvia would always retaliate because they were prepared for the consequences, but they hated the smug way it was rubbed in. It will never stop. They will tease each other like this forever. 

[ominouspositivity-or-else]

the sheer audacity of I, Joan, moves me to righteous rage and im not going to be over it for a long while

[nerdzzone]

Luckless Romance

Summary: When Whitney Taylor was lucky enough to get the job of a lifetime doing a photoshoot for Marvel Studios, she didn’t expect to come away from the experience with a new friend. Especially not a friend that she quickly fell head over heels for.

Convinced that those feelings were completely one sided, she kept them to herself - until one night changed everything.

Chris Evans x OFC

18+

Prequel to: Once Bitten - Twice Shy + -More Hearts Than Mine-

Note: While this is set before the other two parts of this story, I would definitely recommend reading the other two first if you haven’t already. I know that might seem odd, but I do think it flows better that way. This is more of an aside than an introduction, I think, but it could just be that I wrote them in this order so that’s how it makes sense to me.

Anyway! Thank you to everyone who has been eagerly awaiting this part of their story. The support has been so motivating and I’m already working on more little snippets of their lives together that should hopefully be posted soon.

Please let me know what you think! 

_____

August 2015

Growing up in Los Angeles - especially with a rather well known uncle - I was very aware that celebrities were really just normal people who usually weren't deserving of the obsessive adoration they received from the general public.

That being said, it still felt very surreal when I found myself sitting around a table with some of Hollywood's biggest stars as we celebrated the end of a long and tiring photo shoot in which I was the photographer. Three weeks earlier, I had been slaving away at a department store portrait studio taking boring, uninspired family photos, so the contrast between that and where I was now - sharing drinks with the cast of Marvel's next big movie after wrapping my first real photography gig - would be enough to make anyone feel a tad awestruck.

It didn't help that it had all come together so quickly that I'd hardly had time to wrap my head around it. The photographer that they originally had lined up to do the shoot had some kind of family emergency and had to drop out at the last minute. They were going to postpone the shoot indefinitely, but my family connections with Iron Man provided another solution. My uncle Rob wasted no time in giving Marvel my name and portfolio and less than twenty-four hours later I was signing a contract for the biggest career opportunity I'd ever had.

I was endlessly grateful - the pay was far better than I was getting at the department store and there was plenty of potential for more Marvel related photo shoots in the future - but the pressure was nerve wracking. I'd hardly slept at all in the few days leading up to it and by the time we wrapped, I was exhausted. As the adrenaline faded and the relief that I survived kicked in, I was very much looking forward to crawling into my bed with a nice glass of wine to get a good night's sleep before I started the editing process the next day.

But there was no time for rest with this crowd and it was quickly decided that we were all going out for some kind of unofficial wrap party. The official one had been two weeks before when they'd finished filming in Georgia, but now that they were reunited in L.A., it seemed another celebration was necessary. I'd protested at first and tried to sneak off before they could realize I was gone, but my uncle thwarted my plan and, after a few minutes of heavy guilting about how long it had been since I'd spent any time with him, I reluctantly agreed.

Which was how I found myself sitting at a table in a private room of a popular bar with my uncle - Robert Downey Jr - my Aunt Susan, Chris Evans, Anthony Mackie, Sebastian Stan, Scarlett Johannsen and Paul Rudd. There were other cast members and their friends dotted around the room, some sitting by the bar while others played pool, and I couldn't help but take a moment to be grateful that I'd been given a chance to join this team of incredibly talented people in some small way.

I was also taking a moment to be grateful that my placement in the booth we were sitting in gave me the opportunity to be sandwiched between the wall and Chris Evans - who smelt so good that it should probably be illegal.

There'd been a spark between us all day. He was attractive - I'd known that going in, it was a pretty beautiful cast - but seeing him in person with all his Captain America muscles was really quite a sight.

But it was more than just that.

There was something about the way he looked at me, flashing me those blush inducing smirks along side his teasing comments and the way he was so genuinely kind and polite to me throughout the whole day. I was sure that my uncle had warned them that this was my first high profile shoot, but Chris had been incredibly supportive and he never came across as condescending if he offered me any suggestions. He checked in with me throughout the day to make sure that I wasn't getting too overwhelmed and it was very much appreciated despite the fact that his effortless flirting often left me more distracted than productive.

Sitting next to him now, feeling his thigh pressed against mine due to the tight squeeze needed to fit our whole group around the table, had me very distracted again until my uncle dragged me back into the conversation.

"So, Whitney, how's Trent?"

His question, or more likely the displeasure in his voice when he asked it, captured the attention of the table and all eyes were on me as I shrugged.

"He's great as far as I know, but I haven't talked to him in a while," I admitted. "We broke up a couple of months ago."

"Thank god for that," Robert grinned. "It's about time!"

"Don't be insensitive," Susan scolded him, which probably would have been deserved if I didn't know how accurate of a statement it was. "Are you okay? What happened?"

"I think she means 'what horrible thing did he do that finally made you come to your senses'?"

Susan swatted at her husband, but I cringed at the memory.

"It was really bad. I don't even want to tell you."

His jaw tightened at that remark as his glee shifted to something more like concern.

"What did he do? Do I need to assemble my team of Avengers and kick his ass?"

I giggled at the thought of that happening as all the men around the table voiced their willingness to help.

"Thank you, but no, I'd rather you didn't," I assured them. "It wasn't anything horrific, it's just embarrassing that I ever went out with someone as sleezy as he was."

Chris glanced down at me with a smirk on his face.

"Well, in that case, you gotta tell us now..."

The rest of the group nodded in agreement and I, rather foolishly, looked at my uncle for support, but all I received was a shrug and a raise of his eyebrow as if to say 'go on'. So, against my better judgment and with a sigh of shame and regret, I explained.

"He took me out for drinks on my birthday and invited some woman that he met on Tinder to join us," I informed them. "Apparently, without my knowledge, he'd advertised that we were looking for someone to join us for a threesome that night which was his birthday gift to me."

There was a collective widening of eyes and, after approximately two seconds of stunned silence, a howl of laughter came from my uncle. The rest of the group, however, seemed unsure what to say until Paul spoke up.

"Well, was that was you asked for?"

"No!" I shrieked in protest. "I mean, to each their own, but no! Absolutely not!"

My uncle looked like he was about to cry from laughter as the rest of the group joined in with him. All except for Chris, who was biting back a smile with what seemed to be a considerable amount of effort.

"Guys, c'mon, don't laugh at that!" He scolded them. "That's horrible!"

"Oh, don't feel too bad for her," Robert warned him, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes. "The guy took her to Hooters on their first date and she still agreed to see him again."

It was true and looking back, I had no way to justify such a poor choice. I felt my cheeks heat up as I took a long sip from the gin and tonic in front of me.

"Shut up," I huffed. "He said he just liked the wings there..."

"That's classic," Sebastian smirked. "That's what they all say!"

"Why did you even agree to go out with a man named Trent?" Anthony chimed in. "There's no way someone named Trent isn't going to be a douche bag."

Chris laughed then, throwing his head back as his hand came up to rest on his chest.

"That's true!" He howled and, as embarrassed as I was by the situation, I couldn't help but feel a different kind of flush at the sound of his heartfelt laugh.

"Okay, okay, that's enough," Susan chimed in despite the smile on her face as well. "It sounds like poor Whitney has learned her lesson so there's no need to make her feel any worse."

Robert shrugged and gave me a pointed look.

"As long as she promises to make better choices."

I appreciated that he had my best interest at heart, but I rolled my eyes anyway in a show of annoyance.

"Don't worry," I assured him. "I'm swearing off men for a while so there will be no choices made at all, good or bad, for the foreseeable future."

Susan frowned at that information, clearly displeased by my resignation to being alone, but luckily, a distraction arrived at our table and forced a change of subject - a distraction in the form of Jeremy Renner with a very full tray of shots.

Everyone cheered at the sight of him, but my uncle nudged me under the table to draw my attention back towards him.

"This is why I call him the Lord of the Underworld," he warned me. "Be careful..."

"Don't listen to him!" Jeremy insisted, handing out two shots to everyone except my aunt and uncle who weren't drinking. "I just know how to encourage everyone to have a good time."

"Does this group need any encouragement?"

Scarlett's question earned a laugh from the crowd, but Jeremy nodded his head.

"Apparently so or you wouldn't all be sitting in a corner, nursing your first drinks!" He pointed out. "So, drink up!"

He lifted a shot glass in the air and we all copied the action, giving a 'cheers' before tossing back the sharp tequila he'd chosen. The second shot went down almost immediately after and as I felt it burning down my throat, I knew we were in for quite a night.

-

"So, how are we going to do this?" Chris asked as we stood around a ping pong table with Anthony and Scarlett a bit later in the evening. "Girls against boys?"

"No way, man," Anthony shook his head, putting his arm around Scarlett's shoulders. "I want this one on my team."

"Ouch," Chris smirked. "But whatever, I was just trying to make it fair. If you want to play against the two best players then that's your choice."

"You literally met her today," Scarlett reminded him with a laugh. "How would you know what her ping pong skills are like?"

I opened my mouth to defend myself, but my uncle beat me to it as he chimed in from where he sat at a nearby table.

"She's terrible at almost every sport, but what she lacks in skill, she makes up for with competitive spirit."

"Terrible is harsh!"

My protest did nothing to reassure Chris though as he shook his head.

"Good thing I have enough skill for the both of us then."

"I have skills!" I insisted. "Let's stop messing around and I'll prove it."

Anthony joined in the laughter at my expense as he bounced the ball on the table.

"Alright, do we all know the rules?" He asked. "The ball has to bounce once on your side of the table before you can hit it back."

"First to ten?" Chris suggested. "We'll let you guys go first."

We all agreed and Anthony bounced the ball again as he prepared to serve. He started off slow and gentle, lobbing it over slowly enough that I returned it with no trouble. However, when Scarlett hit it back, Chris made it clear he was here to play as he hit it with enough force that Scarlett had to leap out of the way to avoid being hit.

"Yes!" I cheered, reaching over to high five Chris. "Nice one!"

"Okay, I see how it is," Anthony shook his head as he tossed the ball back to us for our serve. "No holding back now."

Chris smirked as he easily caught the ball. He didn't waste any time before throwing it back with a hard serve, but this time they were ready for it and Anthony hit it back easily. He aimed it at me, which I could only assume was deliberate due to my uncle's doubts of my abilities, but I managed to send it straight back. His surprise at my success was clear as he was unprepared for it to be heading back in his direction and we scored another point.

"Beginners luck!"

Robert's interjection from the sidelines earned him a rude gesture from me, but I knew he was probably right - unless the last couple of drinks had somehow sharpened my reflexes and I seriously doubted that as I was already well on my way past tipsy.

However, the next few rounds showed that my uncle had been wrong and I, apparently, had quite a knack for table tennis. Chris and I worked together like a dream and were absolutely decimating Scarlett and Anthony. The game was almost over as fast as it started, but when we only needed one more point Chris suddenly appeared to give up. He missed shot after shot and we were quickly losing our lead which was making me lose my temper.

"Dammit, Chris," I huffed, trying to suppress my annoyance as he missed a very easy ball. "Get it together over there!"

"Me?!" He gawked. "I thought you were going to get that one!"

"It was clearly on your side!"

"If that's what you think," he started as he picked up the ball and came back to the table. "Then you need to get your eyes tested, sweetheart."

"Don't 'sweetheart' me," I shot back. "Start paying more attention before you make us lose."

"Whatever you say," he smirked at me before adding: "Sweetheart."

I shot him a glare and - without thinking - I swatted his very hard to ignore, perfectly sculpted bum with my paddle. He yelped, catching the ball that he'd just thrown into the air with the intention of serving and stared at me wide-eyed. I was almost as surprised by the action as he was and I opened my mouth to apologize, but I was interrupted before I could.

"Careful there, Whitney," Sebastian warned from where he sat with my uncle at the spectator's table. "That's Marvel property!"

"They're very protective of it too," Anthony joked. "It's one of their best assets."

"Yeah, so show it some respect," Chris demanded, looking cocky despite the slight red tint to his cheeks. "And anyway, if you're trying to get me to focus then I don't think making me think about spanking is a great strategy."

"Ooh," I giggled. "Someone get me the number for TMZ! I've got tomorrow's headline ready for them: 'Chris Evans likes to be spanked'!"

Chris barked out a laugh, shaking his head as he gently served the ball.

"Who said I like to be the one receiving?"

My mouth went dry when I realized what he was implying and several uncalled fantasies flashed through my brain. With that short little sentence, images filled my mind of him using his large hands for something entirely different to what they were currently doing - something that perhaps involved bending me over his lap. I felt a wave of heat wash over me at that thought as my gaze was drawn to him while I wondered if he was aware of the effect that he had on me. I was so pathetically distracted that I didn't even see the ball coming back towards us until it hit me on the side of my head.

-

Despite my embarrassing blunder, Chris and I managed to get ourselves together quickly enough to still win the game and our victory was promptly celebrated by another round of drinks.

My aunt and uncle left not long after that as they were eager to get home to their young children, but my uncle couldn't go without a few parting words when I hugged them goodbye.

"Chris is a good man," he informed me. "I'm not sure what his stance is on threesomes, but he wouldn't take you to Hooters on a first date, that's for sure."

I could tell what he was implying, but I questioned him anyway. The only answer I could pull out of him was a teasing wink and Susan ushered him out the door with a roll of her eyes and firm instructions for me to call them soon.

I tried to push his comment from my mind because the thought of a man as handsome, funny and intelligent as Chris Evans even considering the idea of taking me on a date seemed like insanity, but I would have been lying if I said it didn't instill a tiny flicker of hope in me. I was fairly certain that he had been flirting with me so maybe it wasn't entirely as far-fetched as my low self-esteem would have me believe.

I tried not to dwell on his words too much through the rest of the evening, but it was hard to shake the idea from my mind. Especially with how tactile he was with me. Whether it was when we moved on to dancing and he pulled me close, whenever we were walking to the bar and kept his arm draped around my waist or when we eventually settled on a pair of bar stools, sitting close enough that my knees were tucked between his.

That was how we were sat, tucked together at the bar, when I finished another drink and realized that the fuzziness in my head and the weight of my eyelids were telling me that it was time to head home. I wasn't eager for the night to end, I wanted to stay in this little flirtatious bubble as long as possible, but I could feel the alcohol induced fatigue hitting me and I knew I needed to leave before I no longer had the energy.

"How are you getting home?" Chris asked when I announced my departure. "Do you want some company while you wait for a cab?"

"Oh, that's okay," I assured him as I slid off the bar stool I'd been sitting on. "I'm just gonna walk."

"Walk?" He raised an eyebrow. "Where do you live?"

"Only about twenty minutes away," I shrugged. "It's no big deal."

I was being purposely vague, but Chris' questions persisted until I finally confessed what neighbourhood I lived in. Once I did, a worried look clouded his face.

"Really? That's not a great area..."

"It's not that bad!" I insisted. "I mean, I'll definitely move once the photography thing picks up and I would appreciate if you don't tell my uncle, but it's not that bad."

"He doesn't know?" Chris raised an eyebrow, giving me a look that could only be interpreted as one of judgment. I nodded in answer to his question and he sighed, tossing back the last of the beer in front of him before standing up as well. "Just let me say goodbye and I'll walk with you."

"No, no, you don't have to do that! Stay with your friends."

"My Ma would kill me if she found out I let a woman walk home alone and I'm guessing Robert would have something to say about it too from what you just said," he insisted, flashing me one of his dazzling smiles. "Besides, I was gonna head out soon anyway."

"Are you sure?"

He nodded in response.

"Absolutely."

I felt bad that he was leaving because of me, but I had a feeling that any arguments would be futile. I followed him around the room, saying goodbye to the few people who were still at the bar before we headed outside. As soon as the fresh air hit me, I really felt the full affects of the several drinks I'd had throughout the night and I was quite grateful for Chris' company on my walk.

"Thanks for doing this. I'm sorry you had to leave early."

Chris had pulled his baseball hat lower on his head, probably in an attempt to hide his identity a bit more, but the people bustling in the streets were too oblivious or drunk to pay much attention.

"Don't worry about it," he smiled down at me. "It was time for me to go anyway. I've had enough wild nights with Renner to know that nothing good happens after midnight."

"Oh, I see how it is," I smirked. "I thought this was a chivalrous gesture, but it's just an act of self-preservation."

Chris laughed, a deep laugh that made my smirk slide into a grin, as he held out his arm for me to take which I happily did.

"Can't it be both?"

"I suppose. I guess you must be pretty chivalrous to take on a role like Captain America." As soon as the words left my mouth, I felt my cheeks heat up. "Sorry, that was dumb. I sound like some shitty interviewer. Like, 'tell me what aspects of the character you see in yourself'."

I'd put on a bad, faux news anchor voice for the last part of that sentence and I felt Chris' arm shake as he chuckled, but he shook his head.

"Nah, it's fine. It's a fair question," he assured me. "I think I've always been pretty chivalrous. I'm close with my mom and two sisters so they made sure I knew how to treat a lady. But that is one bonus of playing a character like Cap, he has such strong morals and such a steady sense of right and wrong, it inspires me to be as much like him as I can be."

Just as he finished his thought, I stumbled over an uneven part of the sidewalk and was only saved from face planting by his grip on my arm. I flushed with embarrassment again, but the alcohol in my system had me dissolving into giggles.

"Sorry, thank you. Wow, I'd say you really do have some Captain America traits." I flashed him a smile. "Was it like a lifelong dream for you? If you don't mind me asking, last question about it, I promise."

"You can ask all the questions you want," he shrugged and it seemed genuine, not just an expected assurance. "But no, it wasn't. I actually turned it down several times."

"Really? You did? Isn't a role like that every actor's dream?"

"Probably," he nodded. "But I did the Marvel thing with Fantastic Four and even that little taste of fame was almost too much for me. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do and I'm so grateful for all the opportunities I've been given, but it can be a lot to deal with."

"Those obsessive fangirls too much for you?"

"Sometimes," he admitted. " I was already having panic attacks, so I wasn't sure that I could handle taking that next step. But it's more just the total lack of privacy that comes with fame. Not just for me either, I knew it would affect my whole family."

"That makes sense," I nodded, knowing from my own experience that he was absolutely right. There'd been a few unfortunate incidents on slow news days where articles about 'Robert Downey Jr.'s niece' had popped up after some of my poorer choices in life. "Are you glad that you went for it now?"

"Absolutely! It was the best thing I've ever done. There are times when I still struggle, I don't do well at the premieres with all the pressure and the people, but the whole cast is like a family so the support is amazing."

"It's really sweet how close you guys all seem to be."

"It makes a big difference," Chris agreed as we turned off the main street in the direction of my neighbourhood. "But what about you? Have you always wanted to be a photographer?"

I paused for a moment as I tried to get my rather tipsy brain to figure out the simplest response to his question.

"Yes and no," I finally answered. "I've always loved photography, but I never really considered it as a career until about two years ago. I actually went to university to study accounting."

"Accounting? Wow, so you're a math wiz?"

"Hardly," I giggled. "It was what my dad wanted me to do to guarantee myself a solid career, but I hated it. I flunked out within a year. I'm not entirely sure that my dad has ever forgiven me for it, he was really disappointed in me."

"But surely he just wants you to be happy, whatever job you have..."

"You would think so," I shrugged. "Doesn't feel like it all the time though. He's very against the whole starving artist thing. He's not a bad person, but he's very practical and just can't understand how suffocating an office job would be for someone who likes to be creative. I get the impression that just being around me these days exasperates him."

I felt another blush cover my cheeks as I realized I was over-sharing. It could easily be blamed on the alcohol, but Chris was a good listener and I found him very easy to talk to.

"Sorry," I mumbled. "That was more information than you probably needed."

"You don't need to apologize so much," Chris assured me. "I wouldn't have asked the question if I didn't want to hear the answer."

"Sor-" I paused. "Bad habit, I guess."

Chris squeezed my arm and shot me a reassuring smile before getting our conversation back on track.

"So, what made you persevere with photography in the end?"

"I just really enjoy doing it. I love capturing those unexpected moments, like the awkward laughter in between poses, the moments when people have their guard down and don't realize how beautiful they look. Then, when I get to share the photos I've taken with people and they see themselves in a different way, the joy it brings them makes it worth any financial struggles." As I finished my explanation, a thought struck me. "I actually got some good ones today, just on my phone when you guys first came in, not doing the planned and posed stuff."

They'd all been so excited to see each other even though it was just a few short weeks since they'd wrapped the film. It was sweet and I hadn't been able to resist capturing their reunion.

"Really? Could I see them?"

"If you give me your phone number, I can send them to you," I smiled up at him. "That would actually be helpful. They're obviously different than the ones I took for the actual shoot, but you can tell me if they're any good or if you think I just got the job because of my connections."

I reached into my bag and handed my phone to Chris so he could type in his number which he did before shooting me a skeptical glance.

"Do you really think your connection to Robert is the only reason you got the job?"

"Well, it was all so last minute. I can't help, but assume it's a mix of desperation and some pulled strings," I admitted. "But I know this is my one shot. Robert really believes in people making their own way in life so if I totally blow this opportunity, I know he won't fight for them to have me back again and I wouldn't want him to."

We turned another corner, taking us just a few blocks from my apartment building as Chris answered.

"I'm sure he wouldn't have gotten you the job if there was any chance that he thought you would fail," Chris assured me. "But he is a good person to have in your corner. I probably wouldn't have taken the Captain America gig at all if it wasn't for him convincing me I could do it. He can be very persuasive."

I smiled at that information. I knew my uncle didn't like to take no for an answer so I could imagine how that conversation went.

"He can be very encouraging when he needs to be," I agreed. "Even if that encouragement sometimes comes out in the form of publicly shaming someone for their taste in men."

Chris let out another deep laugh and shook his head.

"C'mon, you gotta admit you deserved that."

"I did not!"

"He took you to Hooters and you didn't run away as fast as possible," Chris reminded me as if I could have forgotten such an embarrassing decision. "If that's not deserving of some public shaming then I don't know what is."

"Dating is hard these days," I huffed. "Maybe it would be easier if I had giant muscles like you, but it's hard to meet people."

"I think having muscles the size of mine would actually make you less hot."

I couldn't bite back the giggle that slipped from my lips as I looked up at him with a questioning raise of my eyebrows.

"Less hot?" I asked. "That would imply that you think I'm hot now."

"I do," Chris smirked confidently. "I think you're fuckin' gorgeous."

His words instantly made my cheeks heat up again. I'd baited him into the compliment, but I didn't expect his blunt and honest answer. I was stunned into a momentary silence that only made Chris' smirk grow wider until I giggled once again.

"You're just drunk."

"I am not," Chris chuckled. "Well, maybe a little, but that doesn't change the facts."

There was a grin on my face and I felt like a little schoolgirl with a crush. Chris Evans just called me gorgeous. Any woman who said they didn't swoon in that situation was probably lying.

"That's very sweet of you to say," I told him, trying to play it cool. "You're pretty easy on the eyes yourself."

Chris squeezed my arm again as he flashed me a smile.

My apartment building was in sight now, just half a block away, and I was disappointed that our evening was about to end.

I was comfortable with Chris. He was nice and easy to talk to and I'd had more fun and laughs with him in the last few hours than I'd had throughout most of my last relationship. But despite our harmless flirting, I knew he was too good for me. I knew that I didn't stand a chance with him and that when the alcohol wore off and the sun came up, he would see that. As much as I wasn't ready to say goodbye, I could hardly keep us walking in circles around the block without him noticing so I reluctantly slowed to a stop outside my building.

"This is me..."

Chris looked up and nodded slowly.

"It doesn't look so bad."

"Because it's not!" I insisted. "Honestly, this isn't that bad of a neighbourhood."

"Well, it's not that great either, Whitney."

Another giggle slipped from my lips as I pulled my keys out of my purse, reluctantly slipping my arm from his.

"Your accent makes my name sound funny," I teased. "You don't say Whitney, you say Win-ney."

Chris laughed, but shook his head.

"Now who's drunk."

"Oh, definitely me," I admitted. "But that doesn't mean I'm wrong."

"Okay, Winnie, whatever you say."

He said my name wrong on purpose that time, but there was something about it that put a smile on my face. Emboldened by the alcohol and by his flirtatious nature, I decided to take a chance.

"Do you want to come up for a bit?" I asked. "One last drink maybe?"

Chris hesitated, but after a moment of thought, he shook his head.

"Nah, I should probably get home. I think I've had enough drinks for tonight." His solid reasoning eased the blow of rejection slightly, but it still burned me up inside. "Thanks for the invite though, maybe I'll take you up on that offer another time."

"Sure," I nodded, hoping I was masking my disappointment. "That would be nice."

"Great," he grinned before pulling me into a hug. "It was nice to meet you, Winnie. I have a feeling that we're going to be good friends."

Friends.

Good friends.

His words echoed in my head as I agreed and slipped out of his grasp. We said our goodbyes, I thanked him for escorting me home and I watched as he walked back down the street before I went inside.

Friends. F-R-I-E-N-D-S.

At least he'd made himself clear and subtly let me down easy before I had chance to form any wrong ideas about what our relationship was or could be. It hurt and I would be lying if I said it didn't feel a bit like a stab in the heart, but I was glad that he'd put me in my place before I made a fool of myself by making a move.

I knew I'd been getting ahead of myself anyway. I knew he was way out of my league, but he'd called me gorgeous and walked me home. He'd even given me a nickname. Maybe I'm just easy to impress, but it felt like he was interested. I guess being a big star in Hollywood requires a certain level of charm though and he was probably just used to being naturally flirtatious with most of the women he encounters.

I sighed as I let myself into my apartment and tossed my bag on the table by the door. I'd felt like the luckiest girl in the world only moments earlier and now I was back to feeling like I was a romantic lost cause. I dragged myself through the motions of getting ready for bed and flopped down on top of the blankets - it was too hot to be under them and I didn't have the luxury of air conditioning.

Perhaps it was for the best that Chris declined my invitation to come upstairs, I thought to myself. This apartment was hardly up to Hollywood standards, it was hardly up to my own standards even if it was all that I could afford.

As my head laid on the pillow and my heart sat heavy in my chest, I told myself that it was fine. If Chris wanted to just be friends then I would be grateful that he even wanted that. I made a mental note to send him those pictures in the morning - because I'd promised to and not because I was curious to see what kind of response I would get when he was sober - and fell into a restless sleep filled with dreams of my new friend.

---

July 2016

And so, we were friends. Good friends, maybe even great friends.

I sent Chris the photos he’d asked for the day after we met and we spent most of that day messaging back and forth. Our friendship only grew from there and, whenever he was in town, we spent as much time together as we possibly could.

But we kept things very much friendly.

There was some flirtatious exchanges, but I respected his wishes and kept the feelings that I'd developed to myself.

My career really took off in the year after we met as well. That first Marvel photo shoot had gone incredibly well which led to several more contracts with them as well as other high profile jobs. It was a long, busy year, but I was grateful and relished in my success.

I'd even managed to move into a new apartment in a much nicer neighbourhood which felt like quite a big achievement and had finally silenced Chris' fretting about my safety. I moved in May, but our busy schedules kept him from seeing my upgraded home for himself until that summer, almost a year after we met. He was returning to L.A. from a trip home to Massachusetts and we hadn't seen each other in months so I was very eager for our reunion. Despite the fact that were still in constant communication, I'd missed him terribly and had been counting down the minutes until he would be arriving at my place.

"So," My friend's voiced echoed through my phone from where it sat on the bathroom counter while I finished curling my hair into beachy waves. "Are you going to finally make a move tonight?"

"No," I scoffed. "Of course not, Hannah. I've not seen him in a while now, I want us to have a good time. I don't want to make him uncomfortable and ruin everything."

"I will bet you a thousand dollars that it wouldn't ruin everything," she insisted. "Honestly, I will give you a thousand dollars if you make a move tonight and it goes badly."

I rolled my eyes as I finished the last curly wave and reached for my hairspray.

"You can't put a price on my friendship with Chris."

"Oh my god," she groaned. "He's told you that he thinks you're gorgeous, he makes time to hang out with you whenever he can and he texts you every single day. He treats you better than any boyfriend you've ever had. How can you think he doesn't have feelings for you?"

I took a moment to spray my hair and give myself one last look over before taking her off speaker and answering the question as I walked towards my kitchen.

"Because he straight up told me that he wants to be friends," I reminded her. "And he's never given me any other signs that he's interested in anything more."

"He doesn't need to give you any signs. When someone looks at you the way that he looks at you that says enough."

"Well, I'm going to need him to say a little more."

Another groan came through the phone as the buzzer to my apartment rang.

"You're impossible."

"I know, I know, and my lack of self-esteem will make me die alone," I said, repeating the words she'd told me a hundred times. "But he's here now, so you're going to have to save your criticisms for another time."

"Just tell him how you feel," she huffed. "I expect a full report in the morning."

The buzzer rang again as I agreed and said my goodbyes to my friend. I took a deep breath and a moment to push Hannah's words from my mind before pressing the button on the intercom.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Win, it's me! Let me up."

I pressed the button to unlock the door and felt my lips slide into a cheek aching grin just from the sound of his voice. It had been too long since we'd had a chance to hang out and I was very much looking forward to a nice evening together.

It took him barely a minute to get up to my apartment, knocking twice before letting himself in.

"Hey!" I grinned, rushing towards him as he held his arms open. I threw mine around him as soon as I was close enough and squeezed him tightly. "I missed you!"

"I missed you too," he smiled. "Nice place you got here, someone's doing well for themselves."

"Oh, please," I giggled, slipping out of his arms. "I've seen your house, Mr. Evans. This is a dump compared to where you live."

"Nah, this place is great!"

"It's definitely an improvement," I admitted as I led him towards the kitchen. "Would you like a drink? I bought that beer you like."

"You didn't have to do that. I would have been fine with whatever you have in," he chided me, but I waved him off and assured him it was fine. "What's the plan for tonight anyway?"

I shrugged as I opened the fridge to get a beer out for him and a bottle of wine for myself.

"I don't mind. Do you want to go out for drinks later or just stay here? It is a Saturday so everywhere around here will be packed with women in their early twenties if you'd like your ego stroked a bit."

I was referring to the last time we'd gone out and made the mistake of going to a bar that turned out to be pretty unfriendly to celebrities. A lot of places in L.A. made it easy for celebrities to go under the radar, but the place we'd gone to apparently wasn't one of them. There was a steady stream of beautiful young women trying their luck with Chris all night until we eventually fled and went back to his place just to give him some peace.

Chris laughed, clearly understanding what I was referencing, but he shook his head.

"Honestly? I'd prefer to stay in tonight," he admitted, but a smirk slid onto his face as he very obviously gave me a once over. "But you got all dressed up and it would be a shame to waste an outfit like that on a night in."

"Oh, this old thing?" I glanced down at the short black sundress I was wearing, a blush covering my cheeks from his compliment. "I just put this on in case we did decide to go out, but staying in sounds good to me. I'm well stocked with supplies."

I gestured to the wine and beer on the counter and the few bottles of hard liquor behind them.

"Then we'll stay in?"

"Sure," I nodded as a thought hit me and I gasped with excitement. "Oh, we can sit on my balcony! It over looks the park and I just got a new little couch for it."

"Very fancy," Chris laughed. "You really are doing well for yourself."

"Shut up," I rolled my eyes. "I don’t think Ikea patio furniture is a particularly high aspiration for anyone."

"Don't sell yourself short! You're finally getting recognition for your talent and that's worth celebrating."

I smiled as I led him through the living room and opened the door to my balcony with a flourish. The heat of July in California hit us immediately, but the balcony was shaded which made it a more reasonable temperature.

"This is nice," Chris nodded approvingly. "Well done, Winnie."

He sat on the couch and held his beer up towards me. I gently clinked my glass against it before sitting next to him. I thanked him once I was settled, hiding the width of my grin with my glass as I took a sip.

"So, how was Massachusetts?" I asked, curling my feet underneath me. "Do you have much more time off or are you back at it pretty quick?"

"I've actually got some time off," Chris informed me. "I think I'll probably spend most of it back home. It was great being there the last few weeks. It just feels better than L.A."

"Most places probably feel better than L.A.," I pointed out with a scoff. "This place is exhausting."

"You should come visit some time," Chris suggested before flashing me a smirk. "I feel bad leaving you here when I'm clearly your only friend."

"Excuse me, that is not true!" I protested, my jaw dropping at his insult as he chuckled at his own joke. "I have plenty of friends, thank you very much. All those liquor bottles on the counter are leftover from my very crowded house-warming party."

"Oh, no, Winnie," he laughed, his hand coming up to his chest. "Don't try and provide evidence that you have friends. That makes you seem even more pathetic."

"More pathetic than what? I have friends!"

"Imaginary ones don't count."

I couldn't help, but laugh at that insult as I shook my head.

"You're so rude. I don't know why I put up with you."

"Because you have no one else." He shot me a very over the top look of pity until I swatted his arm and he dissolved into laughter again. "Okay, okay, I'll stop. Seriously though, you should come out to Massachusetts sometime. I'll show you around."

"That would be fun," I agreed. "I'm pretty busy with work over the summer, but I think I'm in New York for a shoot in September. I could maybe tie a trip in with that if you're still out there."

"I should be if nothing else comes up," Chris nodded. "And fall is a great time to come. It's gorgeous."

"I bet. It would be nice to experience a season instead of just this sweltering L.A. heat all the time."

I made a face to emphasize my point as I sipped my drink and Chris eyed me suspiciously.

"I can't help, but get the impression that you're not loving it here at the moment..."

"I don't know," I shrugged. "Not really. I thought moving into a better apartment would help, but I'm just kinda tired of it, I guess."

"It can be draining here," he nodded. "Have you thought about moving somewhere else?"

I sighed and shook my head.

"Not really. I'd miss my family too much. I'd have to have a good reason, I think, or know someone wherever I was going."

"Well, you'll always know someone in Massachusetts," he smiled. "And my Ma would love you. I'm sure she'd take you in right away."

"Awe, Mama Evans. I'd love to meet her...Mostly so I could demand an apology for her part in raising such a horrible man."

Chris threw his head back with another chest grab worthy laugh.

"Oh man, I know. My brother is pretty awful."

I snorted a laugh at his comeback, but shook my head.

"Scott was delightful the few times I met him," I informed him. "I was clearly talking about you."

"Me?!" He gasped dramatically. "What are you talking about? I'm a total gentleman."

"Imaginary friends don't count," I repeated his words back to him in a very bad impression of his deep voice and Boston accent. "Yeah, you're such a gentleman."

"It's called a joke, Winnie," he teased. "Try having a sense of humour."

I stuck my tongue out at him in response, but I had to admit that the teasing was nice. I really had missed him while he was away and I was relieved that we fell back together so naturally that it was like we'd never been apart.

-

Our conversation continued to flow well into the night and so did our drinks. A few hours later and several alcoholic beverages down, the temperature was starting to drop a bit as the sun set, but our conversation was just starting to heat up.

"So," Chris turned to me with a smirk as he sipped the tequila sunrise I'd just made for him. He'd sworn he wouldn't like it, that it would be too sweet, but apparently he was too tipsy to really care. "How's your love life these days? Any more trips to Hooters?"

I snorted a laugh as I shook my head.

"I need more alcohol if we're going to delve into my love life."

Mostly because the biggest detriment to my romantic life was currently sitting on the couch with me, but I wasn't going to volunteer that information. Chris nudged the bottom of the glass in my hand, gently enough not to spill any but firmly enough to lift it slightly.

"Drink up then because I'm curious. Especially after a statement like that."

The irony of someone who was very vocal about how much they hated being constantly interrogated and harassed about their love life trying to do that exact thing to me wasn't lost on me, but I knew he'd keep pestering me until I opened up. I did as Chris suggested and took a large swig of my drink before answering him.

"No, there hasn't been any more dates at Hooters lately," I assured him. "But I did go on a date last week that was disappointing in it's own way."

Chris raised an eyebrow.

"Oh? How so?"

"He turned out to be a Robert Downey Jr. fanboy," I admitted, rolling my eyes as Chris let out a laugh. "It was going well until I made the mistake of mentioning that he's my uncle. He wouldn't shut up about him - stop laughing! - It was awful. Honestly, he went on and on! I eventually asked him if he'd rather be on a date with my uncle than me."

"And what did he say?"

I scowled at the memory.

"He said yes and asked for his number." That admission drew another howl of laughter from Chris and I couldn't help, but giggle along with him despite my shaking head. "Honestly, Chris, it's not funny. I have the worst luck."

"You have the worst taste in men." He corrected and I wondered briefly if he'd be less confident in that statement if he knew that he was my taste, even more so when he continued. "You're only interested in the douchey guys and then you're always shocked when they act like assholes."

"That is so not true!" I protested. "How am I supposed to know they're going to be douche bags? We talk for like two days on a dating app before we meet up and they always seem normal!"

"What was this one's job?"

I cringed and took another big swig of my drink.

"A club promoter."

"Exactly!" Chris groaned. "And hadn't the one before him quit his job to try and get famous on YouTube?"

"Instagram," I corrected. "But, so what? I struggled for a long time before my career went anywhere. You can't judge people by something like that."

"For the most part, I agree with you," Chris nodded. "But there are some careers that only attract a certain kind of person."

I huffed at his logic, but there was some truth to what he was saying.

"Dating is just hard these days," I insisted. "Besides, from what I've seen online lately, you're one to talk about messy relationships."

Now it was Chris' turn to take a gulp of the drink in his hand as he raised an eyebrow at my claim.

"Everything you read about me is bullshit, you know that. I haven't dated anyone lately, people just like to make things up."

"Oh, what I was reading the other day wasn't really about who you were dating."

That got his attention as he shot me a surprised look.

"What was it about then?"

"I thought it was all bullshit?" I smirked. "Does it matter what it was if it's not true?"

Chris shrugged.

"Even if it's not true, I like to know what people are saying about me."

"And you don't have a team to provide you with that information?"

"I do," he nodded. "But they don't tell me everything so I'd love to know what you read."

I swallowed hard, suddenly feeling shy about disclosing what I'd seen. I took a moment to figure out how to say it before telling him.

"I stumbled across an article that claimed an anonymous source, who recently spent the night with you, told them that you are not particularly skilled at going down on a woman."

Chris' jaw dropped and I couldn't help, but laugh again at the outrage on his face.

"That's fuckin' bullshit!" He protested. "Why would anyone believe an anonymous source? It's obviously not true! Why would they even write that?"

I smirked again as I tried to hold back the laughter bubbling up inside me. Of course, I didn't believe an anonymous source and I felt bad for Chris that mean rumours like that were being spread around the internet, but that didn't mean I wasn't going to tease him about it anyway.

"I don't know. She must have had some kind of proof, they wouldn't have published it without fact checking."

"They absolutely would!" Chris laughed incredulously. "They publish anything that gets clicks!"

I shrugged and tried to stifle the giggles still fighting to come out.

"It seemed pretty believable to me. I'm not trying to be mean, but maybe just take the criticism and use it to grow."

"I don't need to use it to grow!" He insisted. "I have plenty of skills in that area, I've never had any complaints."

"Until now."

"It's not true!"

"Unfortunately, I'll never know..."

I froze, hearing my words echo through my head as Chris' eyes widened in surprise for a brief moment before a twinkle appeared. It was a simple statement, but we both picked up on what it implied, especially with the hint of intrigue, almost challenge, in my voice.

Chris tossed back the last of his drink and then shifted, sitting up a bit straighter as the look of annoyance on his face had changed into something almost cocky. I took a sip of my own drink, hoping to drown the nerves that were bubbling in my stomach as the cool evening breeze suddenly did nothing to ease the heat that surrounded us.

"Well, how am I suppose to prove it to you?"

He moved his hand until it was resting on my knee and I had to stifle a gasp at the sensation. We were fairly affectionate and much more touchy with each other than many friends were, but this felt different. There was a tension between us now and I swallowed hard, not wanting the alcohol in my system to make me misinterpret anything.

"I don't know." I bit my lip as he stared me down, a smirk back on his face now. "Why don't you de-describe it?"

Demonstrate.

Demonstrate was the word that I was looking for, the word that was on the tip of my tongue.

Describe was not quite as flirtatious. It was like I'd just set him some kind of essay assignment. I cringed, but Chris was unfazed as he chuckled and nodded his head.

"Alright," he shrugged. "Where should I start?"

Before I even had time to answer, he began his explanation.

His voice was low as he spoke, sparing no detail. He described every kiss, every touch and every little tease. By the time he was describing how much he liked to watch whoever was he was pleasuring, looking up from where his face was buried to see her orgasm roll through her body, I was almost shamelessly panting. His hand was still on my leg, stroking higher and higher on my thigh and I felt more aroused from his words than I had from the last few sexual encounters that I'd had.

He was watching me when he finished speaking, a smirk on his face and his eyes narrowed in a seductive stare as I took a shaky breath.

It was now or never.

Tossing back the last of my drink, I put my glass on the table. Then, I took the glass in his hand and did the same.

He was watching me the whole time, meeting my eyes as I sat back on the couch. My mind was running a mile a minute as the gravity of the situation hit me, but I tried to push all thoughts of doubt from my head as I bit my bottom lip in anticipation. His eyes flicked down to watch the movement and that was all the confirmation I needed.

I darted forward fast enough that I wouldn't have time to change my mind and pressed my lips against his.

There was a brief moment when he froze. I felt his hand tense on my thigh and his body seemed more rigid than it had moments ago, but he recovered quickly and a low growl came from his throat before his hands moved to my waist and effortlessly lifted me into his lap.

I gasped at the movement, momentarily taking my lips away from his, but before I could even mumble out any comments on his strength, he'd pressed our lips together again.

It was a sloppy kiss. Spurred on by our mounting tension and the panic bubbling inside me that any minute now he would change his mind and push me away in disgust, our movements were frantic and desperate. My hands slid around his neck, one moving up to the back of his head as if I needed to hold him in place, but his fingers digging into my waist made me think that he was having the same thought.

Eventually though, the need for air forced us apart and I rested my forehead against his as we fought to catch our breath. The pause in our actions gave my brain time to catch up to my body and I immediately felt the nerves kick in.

Logically, I knew we should slow things down and talk about what this meant. My feelings for Chris went deeper than a drunken hook up and I was setting myself up for heartbreak if he wasn't on the same page. However, there was a more impulsive part of my brain that didn't care. I'd wanted this for so long, surely I deserved a chance to just enjoy it.

As if Chris could read my mind, his deep voice cut through my thoughts.

"Are we really doing this?"

I bit my lip, knowing this was the time to voice any concerns that I had, but as I stared into his eyes, I couldn't make myself jeopardize the moment.

"Yes," I nodded. "I'm in if you are?"

A smirk slid onto Chris' face as he nodded as well.

"I've been waiting almost a whole fuckin' year for this," he admitted. "I'm absolutely in."

I felt my heart flutter at his confession. If he'd been waiting for this as long as I had then that must have meant that we were on the same page. No one waits that long for a meaningless fuck, he would have made a move by now if there wasn't more to it.

In an effort to silence my overactive brain, I pressed my lips back against his which proved to be the perfect distraction. All worries and cares slipped from my mind as his tongue slipped back into my mouth and his hands drifted down to cup my ass. I could practically feel them burning through my thin dress and as they squeezed slightly, pressing my hips closer towards his, I could tell that my panties were already much damper than was probably reasonable.

But the anticipation was practically killing me.

My body felt like it was on fire as every brush of his tongue, every caress of my skin, every sigh that fell from his lips against my mouth, had me writing against him like a cat in heat. Often, when I'd imagined what this moment would be like, I'd assumed it would be slow - we'd take our time and savour every touch - but I hadn't factored in just how desperate we'd both be or how quickly I would be filled with the absolute need for there to be less layers of fabric between us.

Chris sucked in a deep breath as his lips moved from mine, sliding lower to kiss along my jaw. I could feel a bulge growing between us, telling me that he was as overeager as I was so, as shivers tingled down my spine from the trail his mouth was taking, I fought through the distractions to speak.

"Chris," I panted. "Let's go inside."

His lips paused their movement as he nuzzled into my neck.

"Not much of an exhibitionist?"

"Not on the first date."

My words were teasing and a shrug of my shoulders accompanied my response, earning a chuckle from Chris.

"Alright, that's fair."

I nudged his head away from my skin so I could press another soft kiss to his lips.

My intention was to then climb off of his lap and lead him into my apartment, but he had other ideas as his hands slid under my thighs and his grip tightened. With one smooth motion and an impressive show of strength, he stood from the couch and lifted me up with him. I gasped and rushed to wrap my legs around his waist for stability, but the smirk on his face and the bulge of his bicep told me that it probably wasn't necessary. He was incredibly strong and it sent another flush of arousal through me at the thought of the beautifully sculpted physique under his clothes.

"Are you bulking up for Cap again?"

I mumbled the words in an attempt to keep my mind busy and stop myself before I started rubbing myself against his stomach. With the way my legs were positioned there was merely a shirt and my panties between us and it was entirely too tempting.

"Nah, got a month or two before that starts again," he informed me, quirking an eyebrow. "Why do you ask?"

I pointed him towards the door of my bedroom before answering as I tried to keep the shock out of my voice.

"So, you're like, always this strong?"

Chris chuckled slightly as he kicked my bedroom door open.

"Well, I'm no club promoter," he teased. "But I do tend to stay at a certain level of fitness for when the job does require it."

My jaw dropped at his audacity to bring that up again at a moment like this, but I couldn't stop the snort of laughter that slipped out.

"Shut up," I demanded, letting my thumb stroke against the soft skin on the back of his neck. "Before I come to my senses and ask you to leave."

Now it was Chris' turn to laugh as he gently tossed me onto the bed before crawling over me like a lion stalking it's prey.

"C'mon," he smirked as he hovered over me. "I think we both know that the last thing you want me to do right now is leave."

With that, he pressed his lips back against mine before I had chance to argue. Not that I would have, because he was absolutely right. There was a long list of things I wanted him to do, but leaving was not one of them. In fact, as I let my arms slid over his toned shoulders, I pulled him even closer.

I couldn't get enough of him. I wanted to hear every little grunt and moan, I wanted to feel every inch of his body against mine, I wanted to see his muscles quiver and twitch with pleasure, I wanted him inside me and we'd barely even started. A year of waiting would make anyone desperate and, as much as I was revelling in his talented mouth as it moved against my own, I was eager to see what else he could do with it.

Sliding my hands down along his back, I ran them over his waist until they were at the hem of his shirt and, in an attempt to move things along, I slid them back up over his stomach, bringing his shirt with them. I paused, taking a moment to trace over his abs and he chuckled, moving his lips down to nuzzle them into my neck.

"That tickles," he mumbled against my skin as I smiled.

"Sorry, I'm just trying to wrap my head around the fact that these muscles are real."

"They are," he smiled up at me. "Are you impressed?"

"Maybe a little," I admitted with a smile of my own. "I'll be more impressed if you get these clothes out of the way and let me admire you properly."

He chuckled again, but didn't fight as I pulled his shirt over his head. The light in the room was dim and the way we were positioned didn't give me an optimal view, but what I could see was enough to draw a soft gasp from my lips.

I'd seen him shirtless and in even less from a few sneaky Google searches and watching his old movies, but seeing it all right in front of me was quite a treat. I had to double check that I wasn't drooling at the sight as I openly stared, my mouth slightly agape.

I realized I was probably ogling him a little too long when a faint blush covered his cheeks and he ducked his head back against my neck. He placed another soft kiss against my skin before he spoke.

"Now, it's your turn."

"Okay," I agreed, swallowing hard. "But just keep in mind that I don't look like that."

I ran my hands up and down his sides to emphasize what I was referring to and I felt more than heard him chuckle as he peered up at me once more.

"I'd be disappointed if we had the same upper body," he teased. "I mean, if I'm being honest."

I rolled my eyes despite the smile on my face.

"You know what I mean," I insisted. "I'm not sculpted by the Gods like you are."

His head fell back against my shoulder as he shook with laughter before shaking his head.

"You have nothing to worry about," he assured me. "You're too hard on yourself. You're fuckin' gorgeous."

His words took me back to the first night we met as the sincerity in his voice was the same as it had been back then. And there was something about the confidence with which he spoke that had me believing him.

So, as his hands slid under my dress - teasing the outside of my thighs in a way that had me biting my lip to force back a moan - I pushed any negative thoughts or doubts about myself from my mind. I even felt a hint of pride when my dress was discarded, exposing my lack of bra, and making Chris' eyes darken as they scoured over my body.

"Fuck, Winnie," he groaned as he soaked in the sight of my exposed chest. "You're beautiful."

I felt my heart flutter at the genuine awe in his voice and at his word choice. Gorgeous, hot, sexy - those are all compliments I would have loved to receive from him, but beautiful. It seemed deeper, more romantic. There was a brief reminder from the voice in my head that perhaps the importance of such a simple word was a signal I shouldn't be moving forward with this without having a very serious conversation about feelings first, but I was quick to ignore it as I pulled Chris back to my lips.

It seemed he was as desperate to move things along as I was though as his mouth didn't linger against mine for very long before it was trailing a path down my neck. He paused when he got to my chest, letting out a groan as he nuzzled the skin before sucking it just hard enough to leave a faint mark when he moved back. The sight had me squirming beneath him and he shot me a smirk before moving his lips to my nipple.

Gasping at the sensation, I arched up towards him as he continued to nip and tease me. If his current actions were anything to go by then whoever wrote the article that I read was very sorely mistaken. He appeared to be incredibly talented with his mouth and by the time he moved away from my nipple to continue his path down my body, my chest was heaving and I was sure that I was just one gentle touch away from my peak.

However, I was disappointed when he got to the top of my panties and, after licking along the skin of my lower stomach, pushed himself up and moved off of me to stand at the foot of my bed. I whined in protest, wanting him as close to me as possible, but all I got was a smirk in response.

"Patience," he mumbled as he unbuttoned his jeans.

I wanted to pout, to argue that I'd been patient enough in the last year, but any complaints died on my tongue as he pushed his jeans to the floor. As he stood in front of me, only in his underwear, my sense of urgency was replaced by an appreciation for the chance to admire his chiselled body. I propped myself up on my elbows to get a better view and he chuckled at the look of wonder that I was sure was on my face.

His underwear was the next thing to go and the anticipation turned quickly to shock as my jaw dropped at what he revealed. I could have assumed from the large bulge that he was quite well-endowed, but seeing it confirmed sent a whole new flush of arousal through me. I mumbled out a 'wow' as I bit my lip and tried to take it all in - he truly was a gorgeous man.

"Like what you see?"

His question snapped me out of my daze as he knelt back down on the end of the bed.

"Very much so," I nodded, desperate to feel his body over mine once again. "Come back up here."

"No," Chris grinned as he ducked down to place a kiss on my ankle. "Not yet."

Again, part of me wanted to argue and demand that he return his mouth to mine and get things moving, but before I could even open my mouth, he made his intentions clear - by tracing his fingers up my leg with his lips close behind.

I was quivering under his touch, still leaning up on my elbows when he reached the edge of the panties I was wearing. He glanced up at me as he licked along the lace before he bit into the material and tugged. I lifted my hips to ease his struggle as he yanked my panties down my legs with his teeth. The sight of it had me squeezing my thighs together, desperate for any kind of friction, but as soon as my underwear joined the rest of our clothes on the floor, he was quick to pull my legs apart again.

"Keep 'em open for me," he demanded, that damn smirk still firmly on his face. "I've got something to prove."

I giggled at that statement, but did as he asked. I was still watching his movements, until he dipped his head forehead and pressed his lips against me. That first moment of contact was enough to have my head flopping back against the pillows as my hands shot down to grip his hair. I was vaguely aware of him mumbling something about how wet I was, but my brain was too busy trying to process the pleasure he was giving me to take in his words.

He wasted no time demonstrating everything that he'd described to me earlier that night. His tongue was focused and precise in its movements and, contrary to what I read, he clearly knew what he was doing as he easily narrowed in on my clit. It wasn't enough though. I needed more pressure, more friction, and I pushed up towards him with a moan on my lips to urge him on. He wasn't having any of that as his hands looped under my thighs to settle on my hips, holding me in place, but he increased the pressure as he apparently understood what I needed despite my lack of ability to verbalize it.

I immediately felt a familiar feeling starting to build.

He sucked and licked with an urgency that I very much appreciated, flicking his tongue in just the right spot at just the right speed to have me trembling beneath him. I managed to gasp out a warning 'oh god' as my hands gripped his hair even tighter and I fell apart into a puddle of whimpers and moans. My orgasm hit me more fiercely than I'd imagined in my wildest fantasies of this moment and I arched up against him, his name pouring from my lips like a chant as he continued his efforts with a low groan of his own only adding to my pleasure.

As my breathing started to slow, Chris gently ceased his movements and moved his head back before resting his chin on my thigh. He cocked an eyebrow as he looked up at me.

"Well?"

"I'm going to write my own article," I told him, feeling that wonderful post peak bliss wash over me. "Because someone was obviously very misinformed."

Chris chuckled before pulling his hands from my hips to plant them on the bed and drag himself back over me.

"I'm glad I exceeded expectations."

"Mhmm," I hummed in agreement as his lips hovered above mine. "Now, let's see what else you can do."

Chris flashed me a smile and kissed me briefly before leaning back just enough to reach down and take his cock in his hand. Another moan fell from my lips as he rubbed it against me for a moment before nudging against my entrance and finally pressing inside. He moved slowly, but even so, I winced at the sensation. The slight burn as I stretched around him felt good but there was an undeniable ache as well. Sensing my hesitation, Chris paused and dropped his head for another soft kiss. I waited a moment, until the initial spark of discomfort had passed before pressing my hips up towards him.

He took the hint and continued his slow, almost torturous, movement until he was fully inside. The burning pain returned as it felt like he was taking up every inch of space I had to offer, but it felt incredible.

"Fuck," he breathed against my neck where his head had settled again. "You're tight..."

He shifted his hips pulling another gasp from my lips.

"Only because you're huge."

I felt a puff of laughter before he nipped at my shoulder.

"Thank you."

I would have smacked him for his cocky tone, but he moved then and suddenly my mind was blank of anything other than how good it felt. His movements were slow at first, every thrust dragging every inch of him against every nerve inside me, but his restraint quickly waned as his pace increased.

I let out a moan as my head fell back against the pillows and I hitched my leg higher on his hip. He moved his hand to the back of my thigh to hold it in place as he built a steady rhythm that had us both panting as I fought to match his thrusts. My fingers dug into his shoulders as his short beard rubbed against my skin.

The sensations were overwhelming. It was like he was completely encompassing me, smothering all of my senses and I could feel the pressure building again in the pit of my stomach in a way that it all felt like too much, but not enough all at the same time. I clenched around him, earning a groan of approval from Chris as I swore I could feel him twitch inside me. The pleasure was building quickly and his thrusts got sloppier and more frantic until suddenly he pulled out of me completely.

I felt empty and immediately wanted him back inside of me, my disappointment only growing as he pushed himself up to kneel back on his heels. The only compensation was how good he looked, muscles tight and his cock hard, practically throbbing and shiny from my being drenched in my wetness.

"Turn over," he instructed, his raspy voice bringing me back to the task at hand.

It took a moment for me to process his words, but I giggled as soon as I did.

"What?" He asked, a smile on his face.

"Nothing," I laughed again as I pushed myself up to do as he asked. "You just really are 'clearly' an ass man."

A look of realization crossed his face as he cringed slightly, his hand pausing from where he had reached down to stroke himself. I settled on my knees with my back to him as he answered.

"You heard about that?"

He was referring to the comments that he made on Anna Faris' podcast and I nodded my head.

"Everyone heard about that," I teased.

He chuckled, but didn't deny it as I leaned forward to rest on my hands. The wetness between my legs felt cool from the air in the room and I suddenly felt very exposed, knowing what the view must look like from his position. Again, my worries were brief though as his hands settled on my ass, kneading and squeezing as he let out a low groan.

"With an ass like this though, can you blame me?" He asked, sliding the fingers of one hand down towards the part of me that was practically throbbing with need. My head fell forward as he gently brushed over my clit before sinking two fingers inside me. It wasn't enough, not after the stretch of his cock, but he moved them with almost criminal precision against a spot that made me tense as I moaned with pleasure. "You've been drivin' me wild ever since that night we met. Those black jeans were so tight, it was like you were poured into 'em."

His words were muttered low and quiet and as much as I appreciated the compliment, I was such a puddle of mush from the movement of his fingers that I couldn't string together a sentence in response. He kept talking, whispering words of encouragement and adoration and it only added to my pleasure, but it wasn't until his thumb pressed against my clit that I felt myself start to bubble over. With a cry that I hoped served as a warning of my impending climax, I arched my back to press myself further towards him.

"Atta girl, Winnie..."

His breath was hot against the cheek of my ass and he continued his actions, placing a soft kiss on my skin. I was close, so close, but just not quite there until he did something that surprised me and sank his teeth into the spot his mouth was resting on. It wasn't enough to break the skin, but it was enough to leave a mark and it was definitely enough to send me over the edge. Moaning out his name again as I pressed back towards him, I felt myself quivering around his fingers as the pleasure tore through my body.

My elbows were quaking with effort as they tried to hold me up while he kept his fingers gently working until my orgasm came to an end. I wasn't sure how much more I could take, but I knew I wanted him inside me again so I shot him a look over my shoulder.

"Chris," I panted. "Fuck me, please."

His eyes darkened at my request, but he wasted no time, quickly shifting until he was positioned behind me and sliding himself back inside. He felt even bigger in our new position and his need was made clear as his hands settled on my hips to use them as leverage, thrusting into me at a much more frantic pace than he had before.

The stretch and feel of him deep inside me had me moaning and arching my back once again, but I was doubtful that I would reach another peak - until Chris slid one of his hands from my hip, over my stomach and back down to my clit. The sensation combined with his movements and all the noises pouring from his mouth had a tightness in my stomach forming again with shocking speed. It was just shy of overwhelming as my two previous orgasms had left me feeling rather sensitive already, but when Chris picked up the pace even more, his grunts and groans getting more desperate, I leaned into the sensation. It only took a minute or two more before he finally pressed himself deep inside me, stilling as he let out a low moan and I followed him over the edge once more.

After a few final thrusts through his release, Chris leaned forward to press his chest against my back. I could feel how hard he was breathing and soaked in the moment of bliss until my arms finally gave out underneath me. We landed in a heap face down on the bed, but Chris quickly rolled off of me before pulling me tight against his side.

"Wow," he breathed out. "Winnie, that was...wow."

I smiled as I rested my head on his chest.

"It was," I agreed. "I take back any doubts about your abilities."

He chuckled and placed a soft kiss on the top of my head.

"Thanks," he smiled as I peered up at him until he let a yawn slip out. "Mind if I stay here tonight?"

His question made my own smile widen even more.

"Of course not!"

He breathed out a sigh of relief at my words as I felt a wave of reassurance myself. He wanted to stay. He wasn't about to rush out the door the moment we were done and I filed that information away as more evidence that we were on the same page.

I felt like I should get up - to use the bathroom and offer my guest some water - but our activities had my whole body feeling like jelly. I was vaguely aware of a mumbled 'goodnight' from Chris, but I found myself drifting off to sleep before I could even respond.

-

The next morning as I slowly woke up, it took me a moment to remember why I was naked and why there was a pleasant, but very noticeable ache between my thighs. As the memory came back to me, a smile slid onto my face, but when I rolled over to find the bed empty, a flicker of worry sparked in the pit of my stomach. Especially when a glance at the clock told me that it was only seven in the morning. We couldn't have fallen asleep much before one so there was no good reason for him to be out of bed already.

I called out his name, hopeful that he would respond, but I wasn't entirely surprised when he didn't. The dread I was feeling intensified at the silence around me and I dragged myself out of bed with the intention of checking if he was in the bathroom or perhaps back out on the balcony. However, the sight of what was on the floor, or more accurately what wasn’t on the floor, made me pause. My dress and panties were laying where they'd been tossed, but his clothes were no where to be seen.

Trying to keep a level head, I quickly pulled on the oversized shirt that I usually slept in and ventured out of my bedroom, but my fears were quickly confirmed. My apartment was empty.

At first, I gave him the benefit of the doubt as I desperately tried to rationalize his disappearance. Maybe he woke up early and went out to get us breakfast and coffee? The dull throbbing in my head told me that I could certainly use a good shot of caffeine and it was a pretty safe bet that he was feeling the same. But, when he didn't return after half an hour, I assumed that theory was just an optimistic wish.

After forty-five minutes of sitting on my couch, watching the door - willing it to open and for Chris to appear - I sent him a text. I tried to keep it low key and chill, but after another hour of staring at my phone, the words "Hey, where'd you go?" started to seem more and more desperate.

By ten o'clock with no response and no sign of Chris returning, I accepted the situation for what it was.

He wasn't coming back.

It was a drunken mistake that he clearly regretted.

We'd risked our entire relationship for one night of wonderful, incredible, but meaningless sex and he didn't even have the guts to stick around long enough to talk to me about it.

One stupid night and I'd lost one of my best friends.

The thought brought tears to my eyes and, before I could stop myself, I was blubbering like a baby as I curled up on my couch. I was devastated and heartbroken. I'd let myself believe that maybe he wanted me the same way that I wanted him because we were so close and I never would have imagined that he would let it go that far just to ditch me in the morning without even a goodbye. Surely, after a year of such strong friendship, I deserved more than that.

But no matter how stupid and naive I felt in that moment, nothing would compare to the level of utter foolishness I felt later that day when I was tiding up and realized that there wasn't a condom in sight.

-

Part Two

Tags:  @maggotzombie @moonlacebeam @mizzzpink @zaylaugh @flowery-mess @flowerjewels @njrronaldo7 @hockeychick10 @partypoison00 @theladybiers @sidepieces

[captnjacksparrow]

What are your full thoughts on Sakura's confession to Naruto? I've seen some fans blame it on Sai as he "emotionally manipulated" Sakura into doing all she can to stop Naruto which led to the fake confession.

Thanks for this ask @dinainwater 👍🏼 I always wanted to talk about that arc where all the characters' motivations were clearly set up. Sorry for the late response, Sakura’s prompts always makes my skin crawl.

I never knew that Sakura wankers would retort to such tactics by shifting the blame on Sai. I've said this in many posts and I don't mind repeating it here. Sakura was always written as a narrative tool to propagate the main characters, Naruto and Sasuke. This was always the case right from chapter 3.

This is also the arc where Team 7′s loyalty was put under the microscope for us viewers to observe. What will Team 7 do, when they hear about Sasuke who turned into a wanted Criminal??

SAKURA’S FAKE CONFESSION 

Let’s start with Sai. He is also a member of Team 7. Sai doesn’t give a damn about Sasuke and he doesn’t have to. Because he never knew anything about him. But Sai really cared about Naruto more than Sakura ever did anything for Naruto combining Part 1 and Part 2. Unlike others, Sai started to care about Naruto because he saw something in him that reminded him of his brother Shin. Naruto didn’t have to prove anything to him to win his friendship like he did with Neji and others. In fact, Naruto hated him in the beginning.

Sai, a guy who couldn’t understand any feelings, has slowly started to understand something and he started to help/save Naruto without any motivations or expectations.

Well, I feel Kishi meant to parallel Sai with Sasuke not only in terms of looks but also when it comes to protecting him. 

That’s why Sai went to Sakura to call her out for being a lazy donkey by dumping all the works on Naruto whereas she was sitting on her cool Ass without doing anything.

Well, I want everyone to put yourself in Sai’s place. What would you have done?While Naruto is getting beaten up for Sasuke’s sake and Sakura is sitting there leaving everything with Naruto to deal with the rough parts.

Now the wankers may make silly excuses like, ‘Naruto asked her to leave it to him’.

I am asking them, ‘Well, That didn’t stop Sai from not following what Naruto was about to do. He was worried about Naruto and followed him to see what he was going to do. And defended him from Karui’s attacks. Why couldn’t Sakura do this?’.

All these panels proves,

Sakura doesn’t give 2 shits about Naruto. But Sai genuinely cares about him a lot.

[[No wonder, Sai is one of the people with whom Naruto contacts a lot in Borutoverse also]]

Emotional manipulation is when someone uses their own feelings to make the other person feel guilty. I am pretty sure you all know who manipulated whom emotionally throughout the series. 

Sai was simply acting here as the viewers’ voice. I don’t know about how viewers felt about the confrontation scene. I felt that Sai was asking what I was feeling about Sakura, the whole time!!! 

Simply put,

“Just now, Karui beat Naruto into a pulp. He just doesn’t want to worry you by telling this. But why are you sitting simply without worrying about what’s happening to others? Do you really care about Naruto, a bit? You made some shitty promise with him some time ago and I don’t even know what it was. But he means to carry on that promise for the rest of his life because he likes you. Don’t you think you should take responsibility for putting such a burden on him?”

Now, This is where things get really interesting. Sai just observed Naruto’s behaviour around Sakura and concludes that Naruto is bearing all this pain for Sakura and to an extent for Sasuke but mostly for Sakura.

Sai comes to this conclusion because he never knew what happened between Naruto and Sasuke in part 1. He never saw their interaction or what’s going on between them. But Sakura does. 

Sai feels deeply empathetic towards Naruto’s sadness and doesn’t want him to get hurt anymore. Hence he is calling her out for her insensitiveness when asking Naruto to make a Life Time Promise. Sai went one step ahead and added that everyone relies on Naruto too much. As a friend, Sai thinks that they all should shoulder Naruto’s burden. 

There’s nothing wrong with Sai and his perspective.

Also, if he really intended to manipulate her, Sai shouldn’t have to tell Naruto about everything that had happened with Sakura and his Academy friends when he met him in the Land of Iron.

Even the most sensible Shikamaru thinks Sai was right.

For me, All of her Academy Classmates were speaking sense. Because, they were just observers. 

Simply put, Sai and Everyone thinks that Sasuke has joined Akatsuki, the organization which destroyed their Village to the ground and was also hunting Naruto. But Sakura’s promise is putting Naruto’s life at danger because they feel Naruto is doing these for the Life Time promise he made 3 years ago before all of her Academy Classmates because everyone knows that Naruto never go back on his words.

Where is the emotional manipulation here?

The only problem from their opinion is that they never factored the extent of Naruto’s and Sasuke’s relationship into the equation and it’s not their fault. Because no one knows. But Sakura knows, atleast a bit if not entirely. We, the audience knew what happened in the VoTE1.

Sakura openly acknowledged to Sai that Naruto considers Sasuke as his brother. She even saw Naruto fall into the ground and bawling like a baby when Sasuke left with Orochimaru.

Can’t she put 2+2 to know that, Naruto is not just doing this for her??

Well, Since when has she ever been emotionally perceptive of others’ feelings? She always thought everything revolved around her. So, it’s not really surprising. 

Well, in this scene I genuinely thought, She was going to do something good once and for all. 

What Sakura could have done?

She should’ve confronted to them like a strong woman (as much as her wankers portrays her to be), ‘Naruto is not doing this for me. He may love me. But He is doing this not just for me. I knew about Naruto better than anyone. He truly wanted to save Sasuke for himself as well. We all should talk about this to Naruto and decide later.”

But she didn’t!!!

Later Sakura went on and proposed to Naruto pathetically and got rebuffed. She really thought Naruto would believe her proposal. She still thinks ‘Naruto is an idiot’. Even Kiba couldn’t believe this bullshit. 

‘Sakura, You Dumb Biashhhh’, This is what Kiba must be thinking inside.

This is just another way for Kishi by dissing her and telling us that ‘Sakura never reached any emotional maturity. She is a self-absorbed girl who thinks that she is the center of everyone’s life. Sai, who spent very little time could understood Naruto better than Sakura, who was with him for a long time’.

From Writing point of View, 

Up until that point, Kishi tried to build some platonic crush between Naruto and Sakura. But he decided to break that crush by making Naruto reject her Fake Confession and prefer Sasuke over Sakura.

Furthermore, He used her as a tool to make Naruto and Sasuke meet under the bridge, which was the iconic scene of the entire Series and that’s the moment, that particular Arc was leading upto. The writer is telling us that, 

Even though Sakura wholeheartedly love Sasuke, when things don’t go well, she is not a person who will try to understand why Sasuke is doing whatever he did so far. Instead, she plunged right at him.

Even though Naruto likes Sakura, Sasuke trying to kill her will not evoke any kind of rage as one would display for their loved one when they gets hurt. Which means Naruto places Sasuke higher than Sakura.

Even though Sasuke plunged into the depth of darkness, seeing Sakura would not evoke any kind of positive feelings in him. But Naruto can. 

Even though Sasuke turned into a killing machine, and the entire world turned upon him including his former Team, the only person who will stand with him will be Naruto, no matter what.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Sai has nothing to do with her delusion. Sai simply spoke his perspective about Naruto and his pain, excluding Sasuke (because he didn’t know about him). As someone who knew both Sasuke and Naruto, Sakura should have a better judgement in this matter. But she didn’t. She made a fool out of herself by taking a worst decision to confess dishonestly before Naruto and tried to kill Sasuke without understanding what both of them are going through. 

Even if you live with this woman for 100 years, she is incapable of understanding anyone.

[shihalyfie]

The different aspects of Miyako’s personality and character arc

Miyako is a character where there’s just a lot going on with her in general, and asking different people to summarize Miyako in one phrase could feasibly get you some very different answers -- “the computer nerd girl”, or “the one who keeps talking about boys”, or “the one who panics all of the time”, or whatnot. Given that there’s so much to unpack at once even from her base profile, ironing out the full extent of her character arc can get a bit tricky, and there’s a lot going on with it. So, given that: Who is Miyako, anyway?

Miyako’s background and personality

Miyako is a character that I think is best understood by understanding what kind of person she is, and the personality and mentality she goes into the story of 02 with.

An interesting background story behind Miyako’s creation is that she’s based off a real person -- more accurately, a certain assistant producer on the series (whose identity has remained undisclosed, presumably for privacy reasons) was used as a reference for her behavior and actions. Although Adventure and 02 have a philosophy of portraying realistic human behavior in general, this level of specificity is a unique designation to have, and series director Kakudou Hiroyuki has referred to this a few times over the years -- it seems she’s the only of the Tokyo Chosen Children to have such a concrete single-person reference, and it’s also the reason her blood type of AB and star sign Gemini were given in 02 episode 25 (the other kids don’t have mentioned birthdays or blood types to prevent personality restrictions via horoscoping, but a real person having Miyako’s personality, star sign, and blood type wouldn’t make that as much of an issue). Even Volcano Ota himself confirmed Miyako’s resemblance to her upon hearing it after the fact! Indeed, a lot of 02 fans (especially adults) have admitted that Miyako’s probably one of the most relatable people in the cast, namely because her gushing about things she likes and panicking at things that overwhelm her is...well, a bit too uncomfortably on-point at times.

(And especially since so much about Miyako’s character has to do with how happy she makes everyone around her, it’s not too hard to imagine that the staff was so fond of her real-life inspiration that they wanted to pay tribute to her in such a way...)

Still, Miyako is a fictional character, one with her own backstory and interactions in 02′s story, and said backstory is such: she comes from a family that runs a convenience store in Odaiba, and is the youngest of a family of four siblings. Running a convenience store on a small island means that Miyako has probably seen a lot of the island’s residents, and her family also has various levels of connections to the other kids’ families (her older sisters Momoe and Chizuru are friends of Daisuke’s sister Jun, and Chizuru is Yamato’s classmate). Moreover, she’s befriended her nine-year-old neighbor (one who otherwise has trouble socializing with his peers) to the point of regularly going over to do computer repairs for his family. She’s also worked in the computer club under Koushirou, and even before the series has started, she looks up to him and adores him in a way not entirely unlike how Daisuke looks up to Taichi -- and although it’s unclear whether or not she started after the beginning of 02, 02 episode 29 reveals that she helps Yamato with his band.

The pattern here is that Miyako is extremely sociable, and one who actively pokes her nose into nearly everything so she can help out. This makes her a very different sort of Mom Friend from Sora -- both of them are Crest of Love holders for good reason, but in Sora’s case, she was compulsively going out of her way to help other people to the point of exhaustion, and her character arc was about trying to find a way to detach herself from obligations and do something for herself. Miyako is the complete opposite -- she’s the kind of extrovert who actively enjoys poking her head into other people’s business, picking up a bunch of peripheral hobbies so she can do something useful for everyone and go I’M HELPING!! If you actually look closely at those hobbies of “computer programming and hacking”, “hardware tinkering”, and “sound engineering”, other than vaguely being related to computers, they are completely different skillsets, and every single one of them is one Miyako’s depicted employing in order to help someone else out. (Koushirou is never really depicted as having super amazingly high technical skill and most of his unique talent comes from being a thorough analyst, but in contrast, while Miyako is established as being good at even hacking in Diablomon Strikes Back, she doesn’t really seem to have a huge propensity for deep analytical thought.) It’s hard to tell if she has any personal preference for any of them as much as she basically turned herself into a jack-of-all-trades so she could do whatever job was necessary for someone else.

If we’re to believe the official 02 site, Miyako’s been a bit pampered by her family -- as the youngest of four siblings, she’s the “baby of the family”, who hasn’t had to live with a ton of responsibility for others. This means that, much like Mimi, she seems to have been raised surrounded by a ton of affection, which is why she herself is such an openly affectionate person who’s open-minded towards trying all sorts of things, and why she’s used to wanting to help others by actively throwing herself into situations -- but it also means that, being the youngest of a family who is now in the situation of being the oldest in a new group, she ends up in Jou’s situation of suddenly being faced with the pressure of the concept of proper responsibility for others.

As far as Miyako’s general personality goes, she is constantly overflowing with affection and cheer and a desire to dote on everyone -- but the flip side is that she’s also aggressive. She has zero sense of restraint. (If you ever get around to listening to the Japanese version of 02, Natsuki Rio’s performance is energetic and over-the-top in almost every way imaginable to the point that you get the impression of Miyako as someone who doesn’t easily run out of batteries -- at least, until things start getting really serious.) When she loves something, she’ll gush about it as if there were hearts floating around her (and, depending on the level of closeness, even jump in and physically hug them), and she has no qualms against physically manhandling if she feels she needs to, and if she dislikes something, she will make it very clear (including yelling very loudly about it). You could argue that she’s actually closer to the archetype of the brash shounen protagonist than Daisuke himself is!

In fact, Miyako and Daisuke have very similar temperaments -- pure-hearted, but also rough around the edges -- but can be distinguished by the fact that while Daisuke is actually deferential and somewhat lacking in assertion, Miyako is actually aggressive, and while Daisuke’s “honesty about his feelings” is mainly because he’s too simple-minded to be any good at hiding anything, Miyako’s honesty is because she has no brain-to-mouth filter, and everything she’s thinking comes out of her mouth before she can control it -- in other words, Miyako has a huge case of foot-in-mouth syndrome. She doesn’t want to be insensitive, but it keeps coming out of her mouth before she can control it -- and even worse, her emotions are prone to taking control of her, and she is very prone to getting overwhelmed and collapsing into a massive panic.

If you think about the two archetypes of “girl who takes care of everyone” and “aggressive action girl”, Miyako has a tendency towards both at once, and moreover there’s an extra nail in it -- most “action girls” in the latter category would be portrayed as badass, put-together characters with a cool personality, but Miyako is a mess. She’s prone to panicking, all over the place, and her tendency to get in-your-face is not exactly in the most dignified manner. And as a result, a huge part of her character arc (as we will be going more into detail about below) is that she’s aware of this and doesn’t like this about herself -- because she doesn’t want to be insensitive or rude, and in fact she wants to be someone who can better help and take care of others, but, in her mind, her own personality keeps getting in the way.

Miyako in 02

After fully becoming a Chosen Child in 02 episode 2, it only takes one more episode for Miyako to bring food for everyone, as if to say “Right! I’m going to be working with everyone now! All of you are now my new best friends!” (”Bringing food for people” is one of Miyako’s many ways of showing love, given that she returns from Kyoto in 02 episode 34 and immediately hands off souvenir yatsuhashi to Koushirou.) And with that, Miyako settles into the archetype of the group’s “mood maker” -- someone whose role is to keep everyone in emotionally high spirits by influencing everyone with cheer and energy. 02 episode 5 features the debut of her famous “Digital Gate, open! Chosen Children, let’s roll!” catchphrase -- this and her other famous “Bingo!” catchphrase establish her as the only of the Tokyo Chosen Children to have a catchphrase (at least, in the Japanese version). Because catchphrases are fun.

As much as everyone (especially Daisuke) is a bit blindsided by her behavior at first, they eventually come to embrace the positive effect she has on all of them -- Daisuke very genuinely asks her for “the usual cheer” in 02 episode 10, and, all the way in 02 episode 22, this is such an agreed-on and established role that they’ll still wait on her to do the honors even when they’re in a hurry. So in other words, it didn’t take long for Miyako to go out of her way to shower everyone with cheer, and it didn’t take long for everyone to answer to that cheer and appreciate her for it.

The flip side of this, however, is that Miyako doesn’t start off being very emotionally equipped to handle this -- right off the bat in 02 episode 2, she says that she’s not inclined for fighting, and in 02 episode 4, she refers to it as being “like an adventure game”. That is to say, she’s not at the point where she’s able to handle the full gravity of what she’s just involved herself with (Daisuke reminds her that she’d panicked earlier, but she just blows it off). She’s handling it so cheerfully now because the series is still in its early stages, when she can enter and exit the Digital World at will, and she’s capable of treating it like this.

So when the stakes do get higher, she’s the first one to take the stress hard. As mentioned before, she’s the youngest in her family, now recast as the oldest in this group -- but unlike Jou, who consciously knew this fact and took stress onto himself because of the responsibility this entailed, Miyako seems to repeatedly forget that she’s the oldest in this group, and the events of 02 episodes 9-10 (when Agumon is kidnapped) cause her to break down from stress and have to take a time-out. (Which everyone allows her to do, because this is not a series where people are pressured to fight if they’re not emotionally ready for it.) Miyako comes to terms with the fact that the stakes are going to keep escalating, and she can’t just gloss over everything with cheer -- and she does manage to pull herself enough to bring Yamato into the fray at the end of the episode, but this continues to be a recurring theme for the rest of her character arc.

While we’re discussing these early parts of the series, one thing I want to briefly address is the part where Miyako infamously calls a lot of people hot. (Although, not as many as the fanbase would love to make you think; it’s only four people in total.) This tends to get her pinned as some kind of flirt whose head is only filled with being hot for people, but while she’s certainly a bit on the shallow end at this point of the series -- dealing with that being what this character arc is about, after all -- this trait of hers tends to get exaggerated by a lot of people in the audience as if she’s completely lacking in common sense. Miyako’s ridiculous (and we love her for it), but she does have some degree of grip on herself! Context is important here -- she might show a crush on someone, but at no point in the series itself does Miyako show any indication of seriously thinking of full-on dating.

For Miyako, who’s accustomed to just blurting out the first thing that comes to mind, commenting on someone being hot is like commenting on the weather -- she means it as a compliment, but there’s no evidence she thinks she has a chance with any of them, let alone wanting to try dating. This is especially when you take into account her self-esteem issues that we learn about later in the series, and also...well, the fact she’s only twelve. (Remember: even Daisuke’s thing for Hikari comes out as a lot of unfocused affection, and it’s unlikely he’s seriously considered the concept of following that up with a serious relationship -- any serious prospects of romance or dating are not going to be on the table for these kids for a while.) Miyako has also been accused by some of being abysmally shallow for still complimenting Ken’s looks in 02 episode 9 (after it’s already apparent he’s the Kaiser), but although she certainly is a bit shallow at this point of the series, she’s not that lacking in common sense; Iori got in on it too in this scene, and both of them were doing it to tease Daisuke more than they seriously wanted to compliment the Kaiser all that much. So in essence, it’s just “Miyako has eyes” -- she still completely agrees he’s their enemy and she’s not going to judge him any better for his looks, but she also doesn’t see this as a reason to lie about the fact she thinks he’s visually good-looking, especially if it’s to tease Daisuke about it.

In any case, 02 episode 14 digs a lot more into Miyako’s stance on herself regarding others -- in 02 episode 6, Miyako met Mimi for the first time, and latched onto her for their similar dispositions and her looking up to Mimi for being beautiful, amazing, and cool (and she should, because she’s right). 02 episode 14 adds another layer to this, however, when Miyako spends the duration negatively comparing herself to Mimi. At first it starts off as simply just shallow jealousy for Michael giving Mimi more attention, but as the situation with Digitamamon escalates, Miyako spends a prolonged period of time trying to figure out Mimi’s behavior of pure-heartedly choosing to trust Digitamamon despite everything, against Miyako’s insistence that Digitamamon’s behavior proves that he was untrustworthy the whole time.

Mimi and Miyako’s stances are both on extremes here -- Mimi’s pacifistic tendencies are causing her to let her get beaten up by Digitamamon despite the fact that “appealing to people’s hearts” has never really been demonstrated as a good way to get Evil Rings off (to be fair, this is probably the first time they’ve made an attempt at this with a Digimon that can still talk coherently with it on), but Miyako’s acting as if this retroactively proves him to be untrustworthy even though she knows that the Evil Rings are tantamount to brainwashing. Nevertheless, Miyako acknowledges that her own stance was borne out of her being shallow and judgmental, especially since the discussion between Mimi and Digitamamon brings out a question about the meaning of the “true self”.

Miyako, at this point, is confronting everything that’s bad about herself -- that she’s shallow and not as much of a “good person” as Mimi is. But the Crest of Purity -- once meaning “lack of malice” back when it applied to Mimi in Adventure -- now has a secondary meaning of “not lying to oneself” (the dub translation of “Sincerity” is not actually that off in this sense), and it also means that Miyako is not going to get anywhere pretending or forcing herself to be someone she’s not. The secondary Digimental arc has a recurring theme of understanding that there are still things you need to learn and improve on in order to do better, and this is Miyako’s version of it -- she will have to acknowledge all of the bad parts of herself before she can get anywhere and become a kind person like Mimi is -- and, indeed, becoming less shallow and judgmental and not jumping to conclusions, and learning to reach out to more substantial cores of the problem, ends up becoming a major part of her character arc in the latter half of the series.

This episode also implies one more thing, even if she doesn’t realize it yet at this moment: the path to her becoming a less shallow and more considerate person is not going to involve trying to force herself to be like Mimi, but rather in a way that’s closer to her “true self”.

Miyako’s first major turning point is in 02 episode 18, an episode that’s said to have such a profound impact on her that even Natsuki Rio testified to having to alter her Miyako performance thereafter.

Back in 02 episode 10, Miyako first started to realize that this whole experience of fighting as a Chosen Child was a lot more stressful than it seemed at first, and reacted badly to it. Here, the ante gets upped even more -- the kids decide to make use of their summer break and organize a Digital World stakeout, and, eventually, Hikari accidentally becomes indirectly responsible for tipping Miyako over the deep end by making an implication that they need more “determination” to the point of refusing to leave until they’ve beaten the Kaiser. (Remember that Hikari can be terrifyingly assertive as long as it’s not something to do with herself.) For Miyako, who’s never had the same experience of being in the Digital World for a prolonged period of time the same way the Adventure group has, this is terrifying, and she tries to “get herself together” over the night -- only to completely overshoot it and go into the complete other extreme. As much as this ends up being one of Miyako’s peak hilarity moments, it’s most certainly representative of her being under a huge amount of pressure and stress, and it’s effectively her “peak worst” moment -- which results in Hawkmon ending up having to cover for her, and getting injured in the process, and Miyako immediately realizing how badly she’d messed up.

Miyako is thus forced to face a major consequence of her behavior: if she doesn’t manage to figure out a way to get herself under control, other people will be hurt, and as someone who wants to do her best for other people, that’s one of the worst possible outcomes for her. 

In addition, it’s also important to point out Hikari’s role in this. The Jogress arcs have yet to set in, but the series still gives you a little preview of what’s to come eventually, such as the insight we get about Daisuke and Ken’s initial attitudes towards each other in 02 episode 8, and Iori later personally witnessing (and being very disturbed by) Takeru losing his composure in 02 episode 19. In this case, we see a bit of what Miyako and Hikari’s opposing personalities can offer for each other (especially since the later 02 episode 31 more heavily involves Miyako returning the favor in the other direction) -- Hikari correctly identifies exactly what it was that set Miyako off, takes responsibility for it, and even decides to make sure Miyako and Hawkmon get proper alone time so that they can figure things out. In general, everyone in the 02 team is understanding of Miyako’s antics and doesn’t hold any of it against her because she’s doing her best, but right now, Hikari may be the only person in this group who can actually proactively do something about it, because Daisuke’s not assertive enough to step in, Takeru has a tendency to dodge things whenever they get awkward, and Iori’s holding himself back too much for the sake of manners (especially in the presence of Miyako, who’s the oldest one in this group). But while Hikari does have an emotional repression problem, she’s perfectly capable of holding herself together and putting her foot down when it comes to other people, and because of this, she’s the one who’s able to understand what exactly is going on with Miyako, and how to adjust the situation around her to make things easier for her.

Miyako and Hawkmon have a proper heart-to-heart, and we see more of Miyako’s self-hating tendencies going on here -- she refers exactly to her problems with impulse control, and even labels herself a “bad partner” as a result. But Hawkmon reassures her that she’s fine the way she is, and it ties into how a larger theme of her character arc will involve her learning to find better ways to channel the qualities she already has, rather than trying to force herself to be someone she’s not.

Once the Kaiser is defeated, the second half of the series is where we start to see Miyako’s growth start to really kick in. In 02 episode 24, there’s a short blink-and-you’ll-miss-it scene where Miyako suddenly takes Daisuke and puts him in charge of taking care of the Punimon. Why is this important? Because two episodes prior, Daisuke had been running around in circles like an idiot due to having been third wheeled by Takeru and Hikari, and the moment Daisuke started exhibiting similar signs this time, Miyako personally stepped in and gave him a job to do -- and her actions of keeping an eye on them and her conversation with Takeru and Hikari indicate that she did it exactly because she figured that he would like it. Or, in other words, Miyako correctly identified Daisuke’s need for validation and purpose, and became the first person to proactively do something to address it -- Hikari and Takeru had generally been dodging it awkwardly for the duration of the series, which had only really been making it worse, and, in the absence of another crisis to take care of or someone like Ken to fill the void in Daisuke’s life, Miyako was able to properly figure out exactly what he needed at the moment as a stopgap, and thus is starting to settle into her proper role of understanding what others need in terms of emotional support and actively working to address it.

Since the second half of 02 is dedicated to Ken slowly establishing his place in the group, 02 episode 25 is dedicated to Miyako tussling with her conflicted feelings on the situation -- she’s just as open-minded and pure-hearted as Daisuke is, but the one thing that’s bothering her is that she’s a little more doubtful than he is in regards to whether Ken’s heart is really in the right place with all of this. She says, outright, that she believes he’s learned his lesson -- in a way far more firm than Takeru, Hikari, and Iori are about it -- but that one thing about him having potentially killed Thunderballmon in cold blood doesn’t fit the optimistic image she’d like to have of him.

Daisuke is more practical-minded than she is and is more willing to accept that there might have been a good reason -- especially since he himself starts to consider in this very episode that killing an enemy may be necessary if it’s the only way to prevent more victims -- but Miyako is more emotionally oriented and just can’t accept the idea of doing this at all. Both the internal debate over accepting Ken and the internal debate over having to potentially do a kill tear her apart over the course of this episode, and Miyako finds herself constantly waffling back and forth between the two positions. It’s not just her expressing minor doubt; she actually agonizes over this for the duration of the night and the next day, to the point she even considers asking him about it (and eventually can’t bring herself to).

It’s also made a prominent point that Miyako’s prior attraction to Ken in 02 episode 8 was not the reason she wanted to be optimistic about him -- remember, back in 02 episode 14, she completely admitted that she judges people by appearances, but at this point she’s well past that! Miyako takes this entire issue of whether Ken should be considered a friend very seriously, and that’s why it torments her so much over the course of the episode.

Eventually, all is resolved (at least, for the time being) when it turns out that Ken has been dealing with non-sentient Dark Tower Digimon, and Miyako takes this as sufficient evidence that Ken has changed -- the morality debate about killing comes back in full force in 02 episode 43, and Ken himself ends up just as shaken about it, so the important part is that she understands that he’s trustworthy and wants to put faith in him. Attention is also given to Miyako deciding she’ll now call him by given name (”Ken-kun”) from now on -- even Daisuke himself won’t start calling him “Ken” regularly until 02 episode 39, but Miyako starts slowly inserting given-name basis for Ken into her vocabulary from this point on until she finally commits to it fully in 02 episode 30. This is a proactive and conscious act on Miyako’s part that she actively wants to get to know him better and consider him a close friend, and it’s because of this that she ends up one of the only people who never gets habituated into surname basis with him by the time everyone’s come to properly befriend him.

So, at this point: Within only one episode (and, in-universe, one day), Daisuke and Miyako landed on the same page with their ideological stance towards Ken. They’re both open-minded and forward-thinking, and have an interest in becoming his friend (the next person to show active and open goodwill towards him, Hikari, won’t do so for another 9 episodes). However, despite their surface temperaments being somewhat similar, they have some differences in their priorities and way of approaching things, and it means that each of them ends up reaching out to Ken in ways that the other isn’t as good at. Daisuke, being the very practical and simple-minded sort who doesn’t overthink things or get caught in arbitrary philosophy, is the one who most proactively reaches out to Ken and most famously connects with him the most due to Ken very badly needing guidance in how to move on forward and stop getting fixated on his past. Miyako, on the other hand, being very much the type to consciously think about things (to the point of sometimes thinking about too many things at once) and focus on “how do I most show my support for someone right now?”, puts her priorities on checking on Ken’s current emotional state and actively attempting to glean his feelings and position. 02 being a series about relationships and what people can provide for each other, this ends up reflecting on their roles in the group as a whole -- Daisuke becomes the person who can pull everyone forward in determining the best thing to do, whereas Miyako fills in the parts his rough-around-the-edges demeanor doesn’t quite cover in terms of supporting everyone emotionally and keeping them together.

And thus, Miyako resolves to “wait” until the day Ken will join them -- that is to say, she takes the stance that Ken deserves proper space and to come on his own terms. It’s an interesting inversion of the usual roles you’d expect from Daisuke and Miyako at this point -- and, again, since 02 is about relationships, “each character’s approach towards the new kid and how it impacts them” reflects a lot about their own characters. For Daisuke and Miyako, who were open-minded towards Ken early in the game, you can already see the impact on them -- the necessity of reaching out to Ken causes the normally deferential Daisuke to become more proactive and put his foot down, whereas the normally uncontrollably in-your-face Miyako comes to understand when something needs to be handled delicately and starts getting a better grasp on the concept of restraint.

Which means that Miyako’s actions regarding Ken in the following episodes are significantly more passive than Daisuke’s are, but it’s clear that she’s still supportive. Moreover, it’s also important to establish that she and Daisuke aren’t fighting about this or anything -- Miyako does want Ken to come around eventually, so she doesn’t stop the more proactive Daisuke from reaching out to Ken in an important way, but she instead exerts her position in ways such as joining in with the others reminding him that Ken might have gotten a bit emotionally overwhelmed by the Jogress (and thus that it’s understandable that he might need some time to parse this before pushing the issue further). The way Miyako words this statement so casually can easily be a distraction from the fact that she is completely correct -- as we see later, Ken did emotionally freak out the moment the incident was resolved and had to go home to think about this. Scatterbrained as Miyako may seem, as the series proceeds, it turns out that she has a natural propensity for empathy that means she’s capable of making perfectly correct readings of the situation, even without her thinking that hard about it.

Not that she’s correct all of the time, though. 02 episode 30 has her attempt to get Ken and Iori to hopefully be a little less tense around each other end in complete disaster (although to be fair to her, it’s not like she and Daisuke were particularly forceful about it, it’s just that their plan was so poorly set up that it was too easy to read the motive behind, and it’s ultimately thrown off because -- as Daisuke correctly points out -- the two are being really childish about it.) But in response, Miyako takes direct action and responsibility to fix the situation when Ken continues to refuse to help despite how badly the situation is escalating, and when she finally reaches him, she gets frustrated at the fact he’s being so stubborn, smacks him, and personally drags him back over. Miyako cared a lot about this, she had wanted Ken and Iori to get along for no reason of personal benefit to herself but more because she cared that much about the group’s dynamic and friendship, and she’d held herself back so much because she was worried about him, but here he’s taking all of that and still giving them all the cold shoulder when everyone is in grave danger, and all of that frustration causes her to break down at once.

And note Ken’s reaction -- he’d been holding off on the grounds that he was being a burden on everyone’s friendship, but he sees Miyako distraught and upset and calling him an idiot (i.e. his whole pretense of not hurting others has clearly not worked here), and his “idiot...?” comes out flustered and off-guard, and he shows no resentment towards her thereafter and comes quietly with no protest, even holding a hand to the place she’d smacked him as if mulling in agreement that he deserved that. So, again: Even when Miyako is coming to all of these conclusions in a haphazard manner, it doesn’t change the fact that her readings of these situations are often completely correct.

02 episode 31 is another landmark episode in which we get a lot of insight into Miyako’s current feelings regarding herself in comparison to others, and what she’s trying to achieve at this point in the series. Daisuke makes an offhand remark at the beginning of the episode about Hikari being more “kind” than Miyako (”kind” having a double meaning of “gentle” in Japanese, so Daisuke’s mainly referring to Miyako being such a rough and belligerent person). The way Miyako takes this statement indicates that Daisuke had accidentally just hit a very deep-seated complex within her -- Miyako had never liked the fact she was aggressive and belligerent and in-your-face (remember, back in 02 episode 14, she was constantly negatively comparing herself to Mimi for not being as good of a person as her, and now this has extended to Hikari, who “keeps so much inside”.). As the crisis in the episode escalates, Miyako continues to fall victim to her foot-in-mouth syndrome, saying things and instantly regretting it, because she sees herself as making the situation worse -- and especially when it comes to a situation also involving Ken, whom she’s actively trying to reach out to right now. Her frustration at the fact she can’t see what Ken and Hikari see is because, unable to understand what they’re talking about or what their feelings are, she’s basically a sitting duck who can’t do anything while things are getting worse for them.

Which ultimately results in Miyako completely losing her marbles and Hikari having to smack her out of it -- again, recall that in 02 episode 18, it was shown that Hikari is one of the few people who has enough assertiveness to be able to rein in Miyako’s behavior, and even outright admits that Miyako is a bit of a handful. Miyako, as it seems, had been carrying a complex that Hikari had been thinking of her badly for all of this -- but Hikari then proceeds to reveal the flip side of all of this: she’s also conversely jealous of Miyako for being able to express herself so clearly and easily, because she herself is the type who compulsively represses her own feelings about herself, which is why nobody had been able to properly reach out to her for the duration of Adventure and 02.

For someone who had spent so much time considering herself a “bad person” and a “worse person” in comparison to people like Mimi and Hikari, that someone considers her qualities outright enviable is a huge deal -- it’s not that Miyako’s an objectively worse person than all of the other people who aren’t as rough or in-your-face, but rather, that those qualities can bring out positive things in their own way. And, immediately after that, we see one of those things -- she makes Hikari laugh, thanks to her antics. Of course, it involves Miyako being a bit all over the place and making a lot of mistakes, but even she admits “I guess it is funny.”

And there’s another thing to this, too: Miyako continues to end up with foot-in-mouth as she casually refers to things like the Evil Ring and Ken being the Kaiser with zero fanfare, before realizing seconds after that she probably shouldn’t be doing that in front of him, but, once again, even without her realizing, her evaluation is not incorrect -- although the fact he’s extremely out of it doesn’t make that clear quite yet in this episode, Ken is not the kind of person who’s touchy about acknowledging that he was the Kaiser, and, by his own statement in 02 episode 23, his stance is that he wants to “accept everything about it”, take responsibility, and move on. So here we are with Miyako, who just casually tossed that statement out like it was no big deal, has accepted his past with no lingering grudge against him, and even made a casual evaluation about him presumably having the same resilience he had as the Kaiser, which, again, is completely accurate. All of this is exactly the kind of attitude that Ken needs to be surrounded by right now, and Miyako had just touched on this without even thinking that hard about it, and also is still making it clear she doesn’t want him to feel bad about it...

And so, the episode’s climax has Miyako finally attaining the solution to the question of reaching out to Hikari, the one that nobody had been able to successfully accomplish throughout Hikari’s childhood of never expressing herself properly and the majority of Adventure and 02: to get Hikari to stop being so passive and accepting her inevitable fate because she doesn’t want to burden others, someone as aggressive as her will need to reach her and yank her out, and hit all of the exact points about understanding that someone will be there for her and that she should not accept this defeatist mentality. Hikari is unusually, unhealthily passive, and Miyako, being outwardly aggressive and someone who never hesitates to be blunt about things, is the best person to yank her out of this; it was never a sign of her being a “bad person”, just something she needed to channel in the right direction.

At the end of the episode, we’re also reminded once again that this is a series about relationships, so this kind of growth is important to everyone’s relationships with others as well -- thanks to Miyako’s efforts, Hikari is finally able to speak honestly with Takeru in contrast to her way of leaving off in silence with him at the end of 02 episode 13, and Miyako herself is happy that she’s finally gotten to have a better understanding of both Hikari, whom she herself had been unsure about the position of earlier, and Ken, whom she’d been worried she hadn’t been reaching out to in the right way.

While Ken was out of it during said episode and unable to coherently respond, we do get confirmation that he himself has hopped on the train of respecting Miyako’s intent well enough that he doesn’t hold anything over her -- during 02 episode 33, a mere three episodes after she’d personally slapped him in the face and two episodes after he’d practically seen her at her emotional worst, he still takes it upon himself to personally deliver Poromon to Kyoto and trust her to handle the rest. This isn’t that particularly interesting by itself, but moreso in terms of the context this is in -- this is a point where Ken’s still at awkward arm’s length with a lot of the team (including even Daisuke, in some ways), and he’s seen Miyako do all of the above messy things only not too long ago, but he still is comfortable enough around her and trusting enough in her abilities that he’s okay with casually approaching her and saying “you got this.” So it’s working, all things considered!

We also learn that Miyako had trusted Koushirou with Poromon during her trip to Kyoto, which says a lot about the fact she trusts her senior that much -- and, on a meta level, seems there specifically to facilitate the existence of the above scene (it would have been very easy to save time by just having Poromon accompany Miyako from the get-go and ending Ken’s involvement in the episode at his conversation with Koushirou...).

The following episodes also meanwhile establish that Miyako’s relationship with Hikari has been improving a lot -- with Miyako now actually understanding what Hikari needs, she’s much more proactive in reaching out to Hikari, and it’s even said directly by Iori in 02 episode 36 that their relationship seems to have gotten much better now. And, once again, Miyako’s antics are depicted as making people laugh -- note her and Hawkmon’s over-the-top advertisement performance doing so for everyone in the vicinity.

Which is also reinforced, again, in 02 episode 38, when this even spreads to Ken himself, in a moment that’s said to be particularly unusual and portrayed as one of the first times Ken has been able to be truly carefree in a long time. Again, the point here is: Miyako’s “all-over-the-place” nature brings joy to other people, and that “she makes people laugh” is continually reinforced as a symbol of this over the course of the second half of the series.

Beyond that, the visit to Ken’s house kicks off with Miyako noticing the picture of Osamu and asking about it, to the point she’s shown leaning over and staring at it for quite a while -- Koushirou had allegedly informed her about it earlier, and a whole point is made that she’s the one very prominently wanting to understand more about Ken and his background.

Also, Miyako reminds us all that she still does think Ken is attractive, but it’s a huge contrast to her behavior from back in 02 episode 8, when she knew nothing about him except that he was some celebrity genius boy -- she got completely worked up about it, moped about it for a whole day, and even dragged the fixation into the next day when she started aggressively confronting Daisuke about it, but we’re here 30 episodes later with Miyako actually considering him an important friend that she respects the feelings of, and she simply casually tosses out the statement of him being cute in her usual “like it’s commenting on the weather” manner, with no extra weirdness about it.

We close up some of the threads of Miyako's character arcs when Miyako herself is forced to confront the possibility of fighting an enemy to the kill in 02 episode 44, and Silphymon is eventually forced to kill LadyDevimon to save Miyako's life. Miyako’s emotional reaction is given the most attention here, since she herself had fixated so much on the horror of potentially killing Golemon back in 02 episode 25 -- in fact, everything Miyako does in this episode is about her emotional empathy and empathy for others, in that she rails on LadyDevimon for being a “coward” who hurts other people. Eventually, it’s once again the assertive Hikari who’s able to get her back on her feet by putting it in a way she can understand -- they were not doing it out of a callous and cruel intent to kill, but to save the exact victims that Miyako herself wanted to prevent.

And, even to the very end of the series, Miyako continues to channel her proactivity into emotional awareness first and foremost -- 02 episode 46 has her take the lead in the Dark Seed roundtable, and it’s implied that she’s doing this mainly because she knows this is a very personal issue for Ken to have to witness. In contrast to the way she frantically started spitting out potentially insensitive things in front of Ken in 02 episode 31, here, she outright says that she doesn’t want to make him feel bad about this (and, fortunately, he understands perfectly well that she’s trying). Even all the way to the very end in 02 episode 50, she’s the one who first brings up the question of the issue, because of how emotionally invested she got into this and her high level of awareness as to how deeply this impacted Ken.

In 02 episode 49, BelialVamdemon presents everyone in the team with a potential deep-seated desire that none of them want to admit, and in the case of Miyako’s, it ends up being a rather tame thing in comparison to Iori and Takeru’s more severe family issues, Hikari’s desire for WORLD PEACE!!, and Ken’s complicated feelings about punishment and forgiveness. In Miyako’s dream world, she’s just eating cake, and it says a lot about the fact that were it not for the fact that she overthinks things and often gets easily stressed, she’s fundamentally fairly free of deep-seated issues in a way not entirely dissimilar to Daisuke’s simple and pure-hearted way of life.

The thing that causes Miyako’s issue is often misinterpreted to be about her selfishly wanting everything to herself, or the idea she’s fighting for attention with her siblings, but Hawkmon actually says what the real problem is in direct words: her crowded family is “noisy”. Or in other words -- Miyako, being the overly empathetic type and someone who easily succumbs to stress, is just really overwhelmed and stressed because of everything around her.

An interesting thing about Miyako’s “illusion” is that it’s the only one that in itself starts making its victim feel lonely and sad even before it’s taken away or dispelled -- Takeru and Iori had to have their happy images pulled away from them, Hikari had to have Tailmon clarify that everything is fake, and Ken had to have Wormmon personally chase the image of his brother away. But in the case of Miyako, all Hawkmon has to do is ask if she’s happy right now, and she’s quick to admit that she’s not. It’s just that everything was stressful and overwhelming and there was so much to deal with all of the time, and for once she wanted to be able to enjoy a little peace, but she loves her family and she loves everyone around her and she doesn’t want to be alone, and she’d rather have them back even if it’s stressful. Miyako’s love for others is so strong that even an illusion supposedly made to cater to her won’t make her happy if everyone’s gone.

Miyako also takes the moment to realize that for all Hawkmon’s been going out of his way to be steadfast and loyal to her, she hasn’t been doing enough to understand her own partner in turn, and there’s still a lot more she can do in terms of thinking of others.

Miyako after 02

As per Spring 2003, once Miyako graduates elementary school and moves to middle school, she continues trying to be helpful to her juniors -- she joins the computer club and once again ends up under Koushirou, and now outright makes music for Yamato’s band (some creative differences aside). It’s also interesting to note her attitude towards her other friends when she tries to recruit them into her music unit -- she snarks at everyone right up until she gets to Ken, who declines politely, and in exchange, she just can't bring herself to be mean to him and simply apologizes for asking too much. It’s ambiguous whether this is because she’s still trying to have a heightened level of consideration around him (this is still only four months after 02′s finish, after all), but it seems she’s still concerned about the idea of handling him overly roughly, and is able to exercise a proper level of restraint about him.

Which brings us all the way to Kizuna, a whole eight years later where we have to fill in a lot of blanks about what’s been happening in the meantime, but the official website establishes that she’s now pursuing a degree in computer programming at an engineering university, and is now on study abroad in Spain (implied to be Barcelona, given details in both the movie itself and the drama CD). Pretty ambitious stuff!...or at least that’s the first impression one would get, until it turns out that she’s getting her flighty personality enabled by the local culture. As we learn in the drama CD, she’s absolutely taking the time to milk this entire situation so she can play around -- and, in accordance with how she was established to be an important factor in bringing Hikari out of her shell, it’s rubbing off on Hikari, too.

In addition, Miyako is still working under Koushirou despite their educational careers having completely diverged, this time as his assistant in terms of managing the Chosen Child community. Interestingly, her specific job seems to be consultation, and people come to her for “advice and stuff” -- meaning that it’s very likely that a lot of new Chosen Children who are having a hard time adjusting to life with a partner are coming to her for practical and emotional advice, and she’s still continuing to channel her ability to be emotionally aware and supportive of others.

That is to say, until she gets a mysterious request from a certain Menoa Bellucci. We learn later that Menoa’s motive was to obtain the list of international Chosen Children, meaning that she most definitely was not approaching Miyako for emotional help, and with that, Miyako decides that she doesn’t want to do this and dumps it on her seniors...

...but then picks it back up with zero hesitation the moment her friends present her that exact same job, and not only is it just “zero hesitation”, Ken even comments on how “fast” she arrived to do so! (This was also before Iori came up with the plan to infiltrate Menoa’s office; there wasn’t any indication Miyako’s computer abilities would be particularly necessary at the time.) On top of that, the drama CD gives us full context as to why she was so willing to dump this on her seniors in the first place -- she had wanted to see her friends so badly that she practically invented D-3 gate exploitation so she could hang out with her friends despite technically being in another country, and even wanted to invite them to come visit her, and eventually they’d all made an organized plan to meet up in New York. In other words, her loyalty to her friends is still stronger than anything else -- remember, she’s the kind of person who was picking up tons of jobs specifically so she could help her friends in the first place.

On that note, Ken’s ability to be casual with everyone besides Daisuke has noticeably improved, and that’s especially prominent with Miyako, whom he proactively converses with in a way that wouldn’t have happened back in 02, and, likewise, in contrast to the sense of distance she’d still been maintaining with him back during the final arc of 02 and Spring 2003, she has no qualms about handling him as casually as she would anyone else.

Which eventually leads us to...

This is a recurring theme on this blog, but every so often I have to draw the distinction between creative concepts “in meta” (i.e. the way the audience will read it, in relation to franchise standards and other real-life factors) and said concepts “in-universe” (i.e. with audience factors completely removed, whether there’s a presumable logical reason for these events happening in-universe, and whether this is reasonable behavior to expect out of the characters). This blog is largely dedicated to the latter, but the reason why I have to keep drawing this distinction in the first place is that I get the impression that the staff behind Adventure and 02 really did not pay much mind to the former part as part of their dedication to the latter. And, I mean, part of the reason I respect the writing of Adventure and 02 so much is how uncompromising they were in terms of not really pandering to what a fanbase might expect, which allowed the story to retain a lot of creative integrity that it wouldn’t have otherwise.

But every so often you get something like this that makes me want to just bang my head on the table and scream, I swear, I get what you guys were going for, but I am begging you, please think a little harder about how people are going to read this!! In general, I do think there’s something that’s not very good about disregarding your audience completely, because if you’re trying to say important things and those things are going directly over your audience’s heads (this is a kids’ show, for goodness’s sake), you can’t call that good communication, and it’s not like you can blame the audience for getting blindsided or being upset, and this is before we get into what they just dropped on the global audience that was presumably full of young girls interested in STEM fields who were hoping to see them go all the way with that, or the feelings of those who are bothered that one character has to be singled out to be defined solely by her relationship to others, and I mean -- to be fair, with a character like Miyako and the tons of things going on with her, there was probably no outcome they could come up with that wouldn’t be reinforcing some negative stereotype (believe it or not, there are people who have conversely mentioned identifying deeply with Miyako’s personal story and the meaning of this ending to them, and have also expressed discomfort about some of the comments the fanbase has made over the years), but at the same time, holy hell, they really went for the one that immediately looks the worst on its face...

...That aside, I will reiterate that this is a blog and analysis meant for that latter category of “analyzing things in-universe”, and making good-faith assumptions that there was a reason for everything (and, I’ll be quite honest, reading everything the staff has said about the characters, including Miyako, there is no indication that they didn’t treat every single one of them with love and zero intention to curse any of them into a horrible fate). We can debate whether this was a good or bad choice in the context of real life, or how much they really should have thought this through more or considered alternative ways to do this, in another place and time (it’s been done by many other people, myself included, in the last 20 years, and it will most certainly continue after this, and probably should continue). It’s not like I’m necessarily giving my blessing to every single creative decision in Adventure or 02 in running this blog, it’s more of the attitude of “now that this decision was in the series, can we figure out what that was intended to mean?”, and that’s going to apply to this one too. And so, we’ll proceed with the analysis.

In any case, here’s the first thing to start with, which may surprise some people to learn: at no point in the epilogue is the word “housewife” ever used to refer to Miyako. The only words that Takeru uses to describe her are: that she is married to Ken and is a mother of three. Not only that, post-02 materials that have referred to the epilogue and Miyako’s part in it have also avoided using that word -- the Character Complete File and the Animation Chronicle only reiterate the same points of “married to Ken” and “mother of three children”, and practically go out of their way to avoid insinuating that being a stay-at-home housewife is the main focus of her life right now. It would have been so easy to say it outright if they’d wanted to, but they didn’t, and they consistently don’t, to the point the omission is almost suspicious. And, indeed, if you want to believe the Character Complete File, Miyako is not a full-time housewife and is simply not working at the time of the epilogue due to maternity leave because the third child had recently been born. So it’s completely within the realm of possibility that she’s still working! In that case, why is something that could easily be a big deal left ambiguous like this?

If you look at the way the epilogue presents its information, there’s a certain pattern: what information is emphasized and what information is given little attention or omitted has very little to do with “how curious the audience would be about it”, but rather “how relevant it is”; just because a certain piece of information is omitted doesn’t mean it necessarily isn’t true. For example, Sora; she’s married to Yamato, but despite how much the audience would probably consider that as vital information, it’s left for you to infer from the visuals and an oblique comment that Sora’s daughter is a “dependable older sister”, and even the question of whether Sora did succeed her mother in flower arrangement is left up in the air despite that also probably being a question the audience is curious about (and in fact, a few flower branches are clearly visible in the front, implying very heavily that, whatever happened, she’s at least still maintaining her roots with her family instead of violently cutting it all off). But we do learn about the fact that she went into fashion design, which is something that’s not an expectation that was placed by her family but rather something she presumably decided on herself. Hence, presumably why that’s the part emphasized, and moreso than her marriage to Yamato -- said marriage is of course an important part of her life, but it’s not as prominent as the fact that she has her own independent career, especially since her entire character arc was about doing things that she wanted for herself instead of doing things for others. That is to say, compared to their own individual ambitions, Sora and Yamato’s love life is “an important part, but not the important part.” This is especially when you add the context that Takeru is delivering abridged single-sentence “catch-up” descriptions of his friends on their behalf (possibly to the world, if this is part of his novel), and so, it begs the question: what would each of these characters want to be most remembered for accomplishing?

(And if you think I’m being tinfoil hat about this, remember that a constant theme with this blog I’m running is that “being annoyingly subtle and relying on ridiculously oblique messaging” like this permeates the entirety of 02 in general, and it’s definitely not the only time they’ve used this kind of technique to communicate details that are too consistent and on-the-nose to be passed off as coincidence. As far as assuming that this series follows rational storytelling logic goes, we are far past that point, and in ways that extend far beyond this epilogue.)

So we look back at Miyako, and the hobbies she’d indulged in and what purpose they were for, and her personality, and the fact that the main point of her character arc was about her complex that she would never be a good enough person who could properly emotionally reach out and take care of others -- in some ways, her arc was the opposite of Sora’s, in that while Sora’s was about not being as beholden to others, Miyako’s was about how to become someone who can better support others -- and once we apply the above question, there lies the answer to why the priority and emphasis given to her future in the epilogue is “Miyako is the kind of person who prioritizes taking care of and supporting her loved ones more than anything else.”

This is especially because (in an epilogue with not very many lines, so every bit of information becomes vital) the lines we see Miyako and her family exchange are representative of a lot of what that character arc was about. According to her son, Miyako is still her panicky and emotionally messy self, even when in the role of the matriarch of a large family who’s responsible for taking care of all of them. She did not ever become the ideal “gentle” and “mature” kind of person that she considered Mimi and Hikari to be and negatively compared herself to. However, her family responds by cheerfully laughing, which is -- most likely not coincidentally -- the same thing that was shown to be the positive flip side of Miyako’s over-the-top personality back in 02 episodes 31, 36, and 38, in that it brings joy and cheer to others.

If you do want to take the Character Complete File’s statement at face value, the fact that she’s on self-imposed maternity leave means that it’s very likely she wasn’t on a salaried job and was instead freelancing, or at least was involved with something that didn’t require constant commitment. Considering the fact she’s consistently portrayed as an impatient sort who gets bored easily, she probably would prefer something more flexible like freelancing or at least not being tied to a single thing; even looking back at her completely disparate hobbies back when she was a kid, when she was basically jack-of-all-trades-ing to fit whatever people needed her for, she never really came off as someone who could commit very easily to a single form of work, but what she did have commitment to was other people, especially her friends and family. If you (or, perhaps, Takeru) were to ask her during the time of the epilogue “what are you up to right now?”, it’s not really that hard to believe that gushing about her lovely family would come before everything else; not to say that everyone else here (especially her own husband) isn’t presumably devoted to their own families, but Miyako’s the type to have that much higher sense of pride in what she does for those she cares about than she would have particular attachment to any kind of work. Look at her behavior during Kizuna; she’s pursuing a degree in computer programming and thus is still aiming to be a busybody with a high level of skill, but when given a job by a stranger, she immediately dumps it off on her seniors so she can be with her friends, then happily accepts that same job again when the same friends present it back to her.

So, in other words, the conclusion is: the biggest priority and most important thing to Miyako in regards to her future is that she finally became someone who could properly support others around her, even in spite of her personality that would suggest otherwise.

In addition, the fact that she has three children might initially come off as a little in-your-face or overkill, but remember that Miyako came from a family with four siblings, and 02 episode 49 had her say outright that she does treasure that – or, in other words, being part of a big family surrounded by affection and love is something she considers to be a valuable part of her life (especially since the age gaps between the three children imply a reasonable likelihood of actual family planning, moreso than even Miyako’s own).

Incidentally, this is just a bit of a personal note, but one might notice that I’ve also never actually used the word “housewife” to refer to the epilogue’s depiction of Miyako in the course of writing for this blog, because of how little evidence we have that she is one – being on temporary maternity leave still being a very viable and, given the post-02 materials we now have, arguably heavily likely interpretation, it’s not like you’d necessarily call someone a housewife if their break from work is only temporary, even if they’re a freelancer. Given the above circumstances, perhaps something like “family matriarch” would be more accurate…

[trashlie]

Hi! I just want to bring up two details that I haven't seen anyone discuss from Ep182 and I would love to know what you think. I'm going to put the second detail in another ask because it's a spoiler from Ep197. Feel free to copy + paste it under the cut to this ask or answer it when it's publicly released.

1) Alyssa's interest when Minhyuk talked about his lunch squad. She met Nol, Dieter, and Soushi during their regular after school lunch dates! Originally, I thought that Nol reminded her of Shinae's genuine personality. But looking back at this Nol could've also reminded her of Minhyuk's easygoing personality or rather his popularity. Do you think this little bit of conversation had any affect on Alyssa's decision to befriend them? I guess I wonder if Alyssa values authenticity in people or if she simply wants friends for her own sake. 1/2

Hey Nonny! I looooove this question, thank you for bringing this up, because you are right, I have not seen it discussed, nor have I thought as deeply on it! Knowing that fandom has even drawn a lot of parallel between Nol and Minhyuk, you bring up a really interesting point to explore!

Part two of your ask is under the cut, so to anyone looking at this, there are spoilers for 197 following!

2) The fact that Minhyuk explained to Alyssa why he doesn't like his friends copying his homework. And then she went and did THAT! Shinae put so much effort into their project and got in trouble trying to get it back. Yet, Alyssa hadn't bothered to consult her or consider her feelings at all. Hell she even called the project "mine" and not "ours". I know her social skills are abysmal but she's just insensitive at this point. She didn't even apologize to Shinae for it and blamed her for the whole ordeal. It is so hard to root for Alyssa because I honestly don't know if she feels any remorse over how she treats others. 2/2

I thought that the flashback would help clear up Alyssa more for us, but it seems like we've just been more confused by her, right? I admit I try to remain optimistic, if only because I hope that there's more layers than I'd previously thought? And I do think we get that sense - just, you know, in a way that doesn't necessarily buy Alyssa any sympathy lol. I think there's a better understanding of some of her motives and reactions, but it still paints her in a very negative light.

I think something important to remember is that two opposite things can be very true. Alyssa can value both authenticity and also crave friendship for her own sake. I still think that's why she treated Shinae the way she did and seems to have developed a crush on her - because Shinae is just so authentic that it's hard to dislike her when you see that part of her, but it couldn't eclipse Alyssa's desire to be a part of something bigger, to have a group, which frankly is a very normalized notion of social life and something Alyssa didn't seem to have ever had before, right? So I think it's very possible - and likely - that Yeonggi could remind Shinae of his authenticity and Minhyuk in his easy-going likability, which frankly is a concept that really tickles me lol. Drawn to him because he possessed that easy nature of Minhyuk, the kind of person people just like because of his energy and that boyish charm, while lol ironically, reminding him of Shinae's earnest authenticity. I don't think it's by accident that young Shinae wore such bright, blinding smiles so similar to Yeonggi's, except that hers were real and true.

That said, yes, I've mused for a long time how much Alyssa actually liked their group, and as I've said, I know I'm often naively optimistic about her and I like to hope they were, even if for a short time, real friends to her, despite what we know, that once she became a trainee she seems to have stopped talking to them all. She also pointedly describes Yeonggi as a kid who you warm up to which.... lol. I mean, I guess Shinae, too, has essentially described him as someone who annoyed her until she warmed up to him, too, but Shinae isn't "dating" Nol, either. But with that in mind, yes, I think it's very possible that maybe the allure of being part of something, having a group of friends, being taken in by people was very alluring to her, even if she may not have had much in common with them. But I also can't help but feel that maybe there was something about how she perceived Nol that made her want to be a part of it, and maybe hope it could rub off on her, too. I don't think Alyssa accepted their friendship because they seemed popular as much as to be a part of something, to not be alone, but I guess we can also view it as when faced with a future that WOULD give her more popularity (legit fame) they were no longer necessary to her?

idk I waffle back and forth on her ALL the time and I think it's a matter of how two things can be true at the same time: that she does value these traits in people, but when faced with what she's coveted for so long, she's willing to let it go in order to obtain her goal? Or maybe she WANTED to hold on to both things and found out that she couldn't, and the one that required more attention was the one that better achieved her goal?

Much like Kousuke, though to a lesser degree, I think Alyssa is adequate at compartmentalization, and thus she confuses us and throws us off all the time. I think she does legitimately care about who she hurts, but I think she represses it deep down when it contrasts with her goals, and because of this compartmentalization, she has very Kousuke-like tendencies to try to control the narrative, to try to have the best of both worlds, to have her cake and eat it, too, but every time she attempts it, it blows up in her face, and when she's driven into a corner, she makes a choice that benefits her. Simply put, Alyssa has never learned to deal with the possibility that she cannot achieve all that she wants to and tries and tries until it blows up in her face.

Now that I've rambled a lot, I think this leads us nicely to your second point!

I think comparing that conversation to what played out with Alyssa and the assignment definitely just further cements their very different natures. Minhyuk is surrounded by people and he doesn't exactly have an alliance to any one group in particular. When his lunch squad wants to use him for his efforts, he doesn't want to spend his time with them. Alyssa cannot fathom this. I think part of it is because she's never HAD groups of friends and aches for it. To her, it sounds like a small price to pay to be surrounded by people I think it's a trade off for validation. The biggest difference, of course, is that Minhyuk is very confident, and because he doesn't have a necessary alliance to any one group of friends in particular, he's willing to cast off the ones who aren't truly his friends. If people stop seeing him for what he is because of his choice to remain friends with Shinae, then good riddance to them because they aren't truly his friends and don't truly like him, right? Alyssa lacks that confidence and spine. To her, that project was no big deal, easy work, they can always come up with something new and do even better, because in her mind, it's a fair trade off.

But you are right - that was Shiane's idea and Shinae also put in a lot of effort for it. She used her own meager allowance to print off those notes, she shadowed her dad's job even though she still had to go to school. And Alyssa doesn't acknowledge that. I think this is for two reasons: one, to her that effort is no big deal because she's pretty gifted and knows they can easily redo it and two, to her the trade off is worth it. The silly thing is, Alyssa doesn't think very far ahead. She thinks this is a one time transaction, that you give a little of your time and effort to someone and they'll do the same thing. But what would most likely happen is that girl would just continue to use Alyssa for help with school work, probably going as far as to get Alyssa to do more work for her, and in exchange, Alyssa would have only an empty, fake friendship that enriches nothing.

She just can't see or fathom that. To her, why would Minhyuk be bothered by having so many friends? Why would he want to get away from them? It's funny because isn't it very similar to Shinae and Alyssa regarding their families? Shinae cannot fathom what it's like to have both parents so deeply invested in your life and what you're doing and asking questions because she's got only one parent who is overworked and absorbed in his job + schooling + growing alcoholism. For her, how can parents being invested and indulging all of your whims be a bad thing? I think it's just a matter of the grass appearing greener on the other side. So when Minhyuk explains why he doesn't like people copying his homework, all Alyssa really gets out of it is "hey if you help people with their work, they will flock to you and be your friend" which lmao is exactly the OPPOSITE of what she should get out of it. But it's very similar to how Shinae visits Alyssa's house and thinks if this was her life, she'd never want to be in public school - because they each only see out of the other situation what they want. Shinae longs to not struggle, to have her needs met, and thinks that such a luxurious life would leave her wanting for nothing, with no issues to face. Alyssa longs to be a part of something bigger, to always be surrounded by friends, because surely if she was she wouldn't be filled with such loneliness and would learn to be comfortable in who she is, and therefore what's the harm of trading their project for friendship?

It's funny, that Alyssa is so afraid of bullying and ostracization, but she doesn't seem to have considered that not all friendship is genuine. She's willing to assimilate, to hide her true self, to accept fake friendship if it fills a lonely void, without considering how lonely that kind of "friendship" is. In her mind, being surrounded by people is the cure to what ails her, so she's never considered anything otherwise.

But yes, it's a selfish choice. She doesn't consider how Shinae would feel, or even ask if she'd like to give up their project. She just... goes and does it with the assumption that not only would Shinae understand, but that she might actually see the benefit, which is just... really rich of her. It's definitely a very selfish choice, motivated by what she gets out of it. Her current goal was a. to stay friends with Shinae while b. becoming popular, and she thought this was her how she could pull it off, until everything went awry when her plan blew up in her face. That said, I think she had every intention of telling Shinae about it except that her expectations were derailed. I don't think she ever thought about apologizing, though, because I don't think she thought it was a thing TO apologize for, and when she lost her opportunity to tell Shinae the truth, she blamed Shinae for making it into a bigger deal. And I guess, yeah, Shinae did make it into a bigger deal but... it wouldn't have happened if Alyssa had just never done that in the first place. From her perspective, Shinae did mess everything up, but there would have been nothing to mess up if she had not made that decision.

I want to reiterate that I do think Alyssa feels some kind of remorse, just because, I guess I'm dumb and hopeful lol, and I think she just compartmentalizes this? I like to hope that after blowing up on Shinae like this, Alyssa is probably feeling miserable, but too proud to go back on her word? Again, like Kousuke, when backed into a corner, Alyssa lashes out at everyone like a feral cat and she acts on her instinct of self-preservation and in that moment, the only way to save face was to throw Shinae under the bus. It's shitty and selfish and I just want to hope she regrets it and knows she's messed up badly, but that's just a hope at this point, I know. But I've definitely thought this of her arguments with Nol, too, that she responds like some feral, cornered cat when she can't continue to control the narrative and turns things on Nol (telling him he hasn't been the best boyfriend, lashing out on him for ruining her night at her agency party) where I THINK she probably feels some kind of regret later and just never acts on it. Alyssa knows when she hurts people and tries to deflect, so I think there's remorse buried deep deep under other complications she chooses to focus on instead?

That said, I can't blame anyone else who doesn't think this way! I think I continue to try to root for Alyssa because I WANT to see her change, but I still think it's going to require some kind of catalyst to get her there in the present. She has what she thought she wanted - an idol with adoring fans, fame that equates to popularity, and finds instead that she feels imprisoned. I think maybe it's there and she just hasn't reached the conclusion yet, and is continuing to lie to herself. Maybe she believes that the means will justify the ends and that in time she'll reach her true goal, but I think we all know that what she is receiving is a pale, watered down version of what she truly seeks. The only true friend Alyssa has is Meg, and Meg has her own life to live. Alyssa cannot expect people to fill a hollow void for her; that's something she has to learn to do through authentic means, and once, twice upon a time she had those opportunities and threw them all away.

And maybe that's what we're meant to learn about Alyssa - that she's so blinded by what she wants and craves that she's let herself get so deeply lost in it and her choices continue to haunt her. She could have had true friendship with Shinae, but was too blinded by popularity to hold on to it. She could have had true friendship with Nol and co, but she was too blinded by social prestige + her trainee life to expend the energy necessary to maintain that friendship. Her "relationship" with Nol exists only to serve their own individual needs not, and not out of any kind of true friendship anymore. Alyssa continues to trade ever true relationship for something that will never actually fulfil her, because she's still convinced that if she just reaches that goal it will be worth it, without coming to realize that she's wrong, that what she's been chasing is a hollow imitation of what she's thrown away over and over.

Please let me know more of what you think! I know I'm in a very small minority of those who try to see something more in Alyssa - or at least HOPE for her to finally acknowledge the way her choices affect others - so I don't expect anyone else to agree with those parts lol, that's more of something that I just always hope for, because it's what I want to see in her eventual development. I think I always wanted to believe that Yeonggi, Dieter, and Soushi meant something to Alyssa until she was faced with her trainee life, but you're right - perhaps it was always just the idea of belonging to a unit, rather than their friendship. Perhaps it was just Alyssa seeking comfort in finally feeling like she had a group, a squad, people who validated her rather than what they as her only friends in her very lonely life represented.

[prince-of-elsinore]

Sam and Dean: psychological analysis and headcanons

In response to this anon ask from the 66 SPN Questions:

6. Do you have any psychological headcanons (or canon interpretations) of the characters?

Anon, this is probably not what you asked for. But I started writing, and kept finding more I wanted to say, until I thought--why not just say it all? And by all, I  don't actually mean all--this is by no means exhaustive. But it was a wonderful, self-indulgent opportunity to organize my thoughts on Sam and Dean's psychologies, and even find some new ideas as I was writing, and to put them out there so others can read and discuss. (Always happy to discuss any of this! Inbox is open.)

As a disclaimer, I know most of these thoughts are probably not original and may be retreads of many things fandom has been discussing for years. I'm not claiming to be breaking new ground here. Also, I sorta float backwards and forwards chronologically in my discussion--some parts pertain more to them when they're young, some to when they're older, and I don't always clarify which. Also, these are generalizations! I point out patterns I notice; that doesn't make them all hard and fast rules, because Sam and Dean are each human and complex!

Here's what you'll find below:

1. Core motivations 2. Happiness 3. Approval and secrets 4. Approval from authority figures 5. Need and attachment re: others 6. Sympathy and empathy 7. Walls—hiding vs. performing 8. Need and attachment re: each other 9. Ambitions and goals 10. Normality and monstrosity 11. Guilt and self-loathing 12. Autonomy and sacrifice 13. Personal identity 14. Concluding observation

1. Core motivations: Dean’s purpose is to protect Sam, obviously. Sam’s purpose, though a little less clear, is to save Dean. Sometimes it’s explicit, as in s3 and s9-10. But I think Sam also wants to save Dean, in general, from himself and from the life. It’s why he pushes against Dean’s obedience to their father. It’s why he tells him to get out and go to Lisa after he jumps in the Cage. At a certain point, I think Sam accepts he can’t “save” Dean without changing who he is, so he chooses to stick by him—because at least then he can make Dean happy.

2. Happiness: Dean’s happiness—or perhaps contentment is a better word—is knowing that Sam is safe and alive. Sam’s happiness is Dean being happy. In Sam’s world, things are good when Dean’s good. I think that, conversely, Dean wants Sam to be happy, and Sam wants Dean to be safe, but they both know and to an extent accept that those things are not within their control, so they focus on what they feel they can control.

3. Approval and secrets: They are each other’s north stars, guiding principles, in different ways. For Dean it’s “look out for Sammy,” for Sam it’s “what would my big brother think/do.” Dean doesn’t need Sam’s approval. Sure, he loves it when Sam admires him, but if he feels he needs to do something against Sam’s approval, he doubles down because approval from Sam is not the top priority. He’ll do what he thinks is right, especially to keep Sam safe, no matter what Sam thinks about it. Sam, on the other hand, does crave Dean’s approval and cares very much about his opinion. It doesn’t mean he won’t go against Dean (all the conflict of s1-5!), but it affects him differently. This leads to different kinds of secret-keeping: Sam goes behind Dean’s back to avoid his disapproval; Dean goes behind Sam’s back so that Sam doesn’t interfere with what he thinks needs to be done.

4. Approval from authority figures: Dean does crave approval from others—specifically, respected authority figures. The big one is obviously John. I think in a way it’s Mary, too, when she comes back. But it only applies as long as the person has his respect. Sam doesn’t crave approval from other authorities in the same way, perhaps because his primary authority figure growing up was Dean.

5. Need and attachment re: others: Sam is the only person Dean cannot live without, but he also makes outside connections of a friendly nature fairly easily. He’s the more socially outgoing brother who latches onto people like Gordon, gets friendly with Ash, and forges connections with Jo and Charlie, just to name a few (and Castiel at times—though their relationship is so inconsistent and often convenience-based I hesitate to include it in this category). Though Sam is Dean’s core need, I do think Dean thrives with other friendships. I’m not talking about found family, though I’m well aware of Dean’s tendency to call people “family” quite readily. Honestly, I think this is a manifestation of his craving for connection with others. Dean has an affectionate and playful nature, and let’s face it, Sam isn’t always super receptive to that—so naturally, Dean seeks out people who are. (I think this is also, in some cases, related to Dean’s craving for approval from others). Of course, none of those other relationships come close to the depth of his relationship with Sam, and when his relationship with Sam is at its best, I don’t think Dean really needs anything else to sustain him. But in reality, it can’t always be at its best.

Sam, on the other hand, doesn’t forge outside connections easily—but when he does, they tend to be deeper than Dean’s easy casual associations (even when Dean has real affection for someone, he tends to keep the tone of the relationship light). It’s pretty clear Sam was a loner kid, and I imagine it took him a while to find friends at Stanford, and even though he loved Jessica he still clearly kept many secrets. That’s the thing with Sam—he’s got walls. Dean’s got his own walls, but they’re different. Sam can seem emotionally open, but he protects his innermost self very carefully and rarely puts his emotions out there in a truly open way—even less than Dean does. I think this is a consistent personality trait for Sam, not one born of trauma (though perhaps exacerbated by it at times). In fact, it’s in later seasons that I see Sam finally, in rare moments, let down those walls, with Rowena and Jack. When he’s young, I think this was partially a coping mechanism he developed for hiding his desires/feelings, even from himself, because he was so unhappy with his life. It means that even though he’s an introspective guy, he’s not as self-aware as he thinks he is until he’s older and more mature. He’s very good at self-deception when he’s young, because as a thinker, he can convince himself of just about anything.

To circle back to attachment, what this means to me is that Sam, while he certainly appreciates close friendships and has a lot to offer those he cares about, doesn’t crave friends in the way that Dean does. I think he desires to be understood (this is a natural human need) but he’s much more comfortable with himself than Dean is, and is somewhat of a loner by nature. This means he’s also not (usually) going to be too affected by the status of his relationships with others. Dean is much more volatile and easily hurt by others (this is where Castiel is a great example).

6. Sympathy and empathy: On the surface, Sam appears to be the caring, sensitive brother, while Dean is brash and insensitive. This is a very incomplete picture, however. It mostly comes down to the difference between sympathy and empathy. Empathy is an involuntary response, whereas sympathy is something that a person chooses to express, though that doesn’t make it necessarily superficial—it also comes from an emotional place. Dean tends to be more empathetic, and Sam more sympathetic. Dean, despite his performative walls, is more easily affected on a visceral level by others’ emotions. He is more sensitive, more easily hurt or swayed to anger, and also more easily experiences empathy. This has nothing to do with what Dean thinks is right—it’s another involuntary emotion. He is sometimes moved to express this feeling, but he’s not generally concerned about appearing sympathetic. Sam, with his careful emotional walls, isn’t generally so viscerally affected by others, but he is kind. This is expressed as sympathy, because he cares about others’ feelings, and he wants to be good/morally right. On the one hand, it comes from an intellectual place—“it’s socially acceptable/morally right to express care for this person” (which Dean is less likely to care about)—and on the other, it is an emotional response—“I know what that feels like”—but a more regulated one than empathy, where one almost directly experiences another’s emotions.

7. Walls—hiding vs. performing: It’s interesting that both brothers have their own walls, which they construct as a form of self-preservation, but they have different levels of effectiveness in protecting themselves from outside influence. One difference might lie in what the walls were built in reaction to. Sam built his walls at a young age to separate himself from the outside world because, ironically, it was precisely what he desired, but was not allowed to have. He therefore consciously distanced himself from it, to dull the pain of not having it. The goal of those walls was to have something to hide behind, where he could remain generally unnoticed, so he could conceal his pain from outsiders and even from his family.

Dean took a little longer to build his walls—or at least to consciously do so. He already no doubt fashioned himself after his dad as a kid, and often put on a brave face—for Sam, for his father—when he was not feeling brave. He therefore became accustomed to performing at a young age, and performed many roles for both Sam’s and John’s benefit. He was unconsciously building walls with these performances, concealing his true feelings and desires. Later, I think this started to become more intentional, especially in relations with women/sex partners and especially after the Stanford split, as Dean realized how vulnerable to hurt his sensitive nature made him. It was much safer to perform all the time, and never let his real feelings show. For Dean, even more than Sam, I think he often lost sight of what those real feelings were behind the walls as he tried his best to be the performance he was putting on.

For a visual metaphor, I think of it this way: Sam is a boy at the center of a self-constructed labyrinth. He is almost always able to maintain control over how close people get (except when a few slip past his defenses, at which point he may be susceptible to manipulation). Despite all those elaborate passageways, though, there’s still Sam at the center. It’s lonely there, but he knows himself pretty well at least. Dean is a man in a mask who wants the mask to be his real face. He does everything he can to fuse himself and the mask together. They probably are fused at this point, so it would hurt to take the mask off. His memory of the face under the mask is hazy. He’s afraid, if he looks under the mask, he’ll hate what he sees. He’s lonely because no matter how close others get—and he lets them in close, can surround himself with people—none of them will ever see his true face. But he’s convinced himself it’s better this way, because if anyone saw his face, they’d hate it.

8. Need and attachment re: each other: Clearly, both brothers need each other. Sam’s need for Dean is different than Dean’s need for Sam, though. The way I see it, Dean’s need is one that requires reassurance. Perhaps it traces back to the concern about Sam instilled into him at a young age. I think it was strongly exacerbated by the Stanford split, when Dean realized his and Sam’s desires didn’t align. In Dean’s mind, Sam left once and can do it again—he’s always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sam, on the other hand, has always been able to rely on Dean as a rock, a constant in his life—to the point that, in a way, he takes it for granted when he’s younger. Not in a spoilt, ungrateful way, but in that way that we, as children, might take our parents for granted—they’re always going to be there, right? That’s why, on the few occasions where suddenly, Sam isn’t sure of Dean’s devotion, the rug is ripped out from under him and he’s completely adrift and distraught—seasons 4 and 8 come to mind. Sam needs to be the center of Dean’s universe. When he fears that that’s shifted, that Dean hates him or has chosen someone else over him, it turns Sam’s whole world upside down. For Dean, the fear is that Sam will leave, but it’s a constant, background worry. For Sam, the fear is that Dean will hate him, but since he can usually count on Dean to be obsessed with him, it only comes up now and again. Only Dean can truly hurt Sam, while Dean is vulnerable to hurt from others—though, as always, the deepest hurt can only come from Sam.

9. Ambitions and goals: Sam is the one with greater needs and ambitions outside the scope of their relationship. For Dean, if he’s got Sam and he’s got hunting, he’s content. His greatest accomplishments are taking care of Sam and saving people, and that’s all he needs. I see Sam as craving other sources of fulfillment, though—academic/lore study for its own sake (the pursuit of knowledge), and a leadership/mentorship role. I thought it was very fitting that Sam finds these in late seasons, with leading hunters against the BMOL, then leading the apocalypse AU hunters, then mentoring/nurturing Jack. Dean has always had (and needed) a mentor/leadership/nurturing role with Sam, but Sam also thrives when he’s able to step into that role for others.

10. Normality and monstrosity: I’m just going to link to this post rather than repeat myself.

11. Guilt and self-loathing: This is something they both struggle with and at times, are defined by, but it manifests differently. I think their Hell traumas exemplify their different brands of guilt: for Dean, it’s perpetrator’s guilt. He knows he did something terrible and feels he can never atone for his past actions. For Sam, it’s victim’s/survivor’s guilt. He may not have done anything wrong, but there’s a certain amount of self-blame, especially for perceived weakness. This is another theme for Sam; one of the main faults he sees in himself is weakness—too weak to save Dean from Hell for instance—and as a result tries to shoulder things alone (killing Lilith, Hallucifer, etc). Sam has a need to fix things, to prove to others and himself that he is capable. Dean, I think, sees his main fault as neediness, but really, it’s a deeply buried sense of innate worthlessness. He was taught from a young age that his brother’s life—not his own—was of the utmost value. He internalized that his life was only worthwhile if he could save others, and has trouble with the idea that he, himself, has value beyond what he can do for others.

12. Autonomy and sacrifice: The above leads Dean to have a very constrained sense of his own autonomy. In general, he values duty/loyalty to others over autonomy (although when it comes to cosmic beings, he’s all about free will—see this post if you want more thoughts on that, and Sam’s autonomy). Often, his desire to control others comes from a place of frustration when Dean feels they are neglecting duty/being selfish. I think partially duty towards others is really a deeply ingrained value for him, but there may also be some buried jealousy at play, in that Dean wishes he could act with more freedom, put himself first every once in a while, but doesn’t know how to. Sam tends to value autonomy over duty (this doesn’t mean he doesn’t believe in any sort of responsibility—he’s willing to sacrifice for the greater good, after all).  This means he also tends to respect others’ autonomy, though we all know he can get plenty unhinged where his brother’s safety is concerned. The theme of Sam and autonomy has been talked to death so I’ll stop there, but you can click the link above if you want more.

13. Personal identity: One of Dean’s biggest struggles is with how much of his personal identity is received rather than self-determined. He is tasked with taking care of Sam and he is trained to be a hunter; these become the foundations of his identity. He says it himself: taking care of Sam is not just what he does but who he is. Then in season 3, his own subconscious mocks him for his lack of originality, styling himself and all he loves after his father, showing that this is a source of deep insecurity. This discomfort with himself contributes to his fear of being abandoned and left alone with himself. He doesn’t know who he is without Sam—or rather, is convinced he is nothing without Sam, which is why he fights so hard to keep him by his side. It also contributes to his general desire for friends, or better, family: people who won’t abandon him.

Later in the series, I think Dean has come to embrace his genuine self more. He’s nerdy and excitable and playful—and I don’t see this is as regression, but rather a healthy embracing of what makes him happy—not tastes inherited from his father. If it seems juvenile, it’s because it’s the first time in his life he’s allowed himself to express and explore these things. I think his relationship with hunting is also healthier; it’s no longer something he does because it’s the only thing that can give him worth. He does it because he believes it’s right and genuinely wants to help people. He has a more complete sense of self, and while it’s still totally tied up in Sam, he has gained some self-worth.

[I should note that basically everything I’ve written about Dean supports the headcanon that Dean has BPD—a headcanon I accepted after I realized this. For some more great writing on Dean and BPD, see this post by @venhedish.]

Sam has always known what he wanted for himself and rejected what was given to/allowed him. Wanting what he couldn’t have, from a young age, helped him develop an individual sense of self, not defined by others. I think it’s this difference in their sense of individual identity that leads some viewers to think that Dean loves Sam more than Sam loves Dean. He doesn’t, and losing Dean is just as huge a loss and a grief for Sam as losing Sam was for Dean. Dean is central to Sam’s life, and he can’t feel complete without him; however, his identity and every desire has never revolved as entirely around Dean as Dean’s has around him, so Sam has a foundational sense of self that even losing Dean can’t completely destroy. It’s what allows him to rebuild in grief and carry on (whereas I have no doubt Jensen’s right and Dean would waste away in the back of a pool hall without Sam). Dean’s central role in Sam’s life never disappears, though, and it is, in fact, what allows Sam to carry on; an effort to honor his brother’s memory, living in a way that would make him proud. There’s continuity in that for Sam; the craving for his brother’s approval and happiness never disappears. Seeking those things is what makes Sam happy, both in their domestic years together before Dean’s death and in the years after. They are both, after all, co-dependent!

14: Concluding observation: Sam and Dean have many similar issues, desires, and insecurities: the desire for a normal life, the fear of their own monstrosity, the desire for love and friendship, their need and love for each other, their desire for approval/to be admired, resentment at their childhood, the feeling of being impure and unworthy, the desire for freedom, issues with bodily autonomy. Sometimes these are seen as the purview of one brother or the other exclusively, but that’s almost never true when you consider canon as a whole. The difference is in how these things are internalized, sublimated, reflected, and expressed for each of them. It makes sense they would struggle with so many of the same things, because their lives are deeply intertwined and they are in the same boat most of the time.

[sakuatsu]

YELL 2 ME ABT SAKUATSU FIC RECS PLS

oh boy. oh boy do i have much to talk about

here’s a list of my sakuatsu must-reads under the cut! complete with links, word count, ratings, and occasional commentary because i’m incapable of shutting up. this isn’t in any particular order either 

(keeping this sfw and organized into canonverse/AUs. a * means i am on my hands and knees begging for you to read this)  

i’ll try to update this somewhat regularly :]

most recently updated august 25, 2020!

canonverse:

*your highs and lows (series) by astroeulogy 

a post-time skip canonverse series born from these two questions:

1. what if sakusa kiyoomi, known too-blunt jerk, is equally straightforward about his soft, tender feelings?

2. what if miya atsumu, resident big fat jerk who doesn't care if his teammates hate him, is too emotionally stunted to notice when his one of his teammates actually likes him?

this is like the sakuatsu series but it’s blasphemous to not recommend. the first fic in the series is all that you were (4.6k, T). mind the ratings on a few of the fics, but my personal favorite is #3: a masterpiece of domesticity called you have tamed me (5.7k, T). these make me ACHE 

*sakuatsu domesticity simulator by pseudoanalytics (T)

a vaguely interactive mixture of fic, art, and html, where you too can experience the inherent romance of a big fat jerk and a too-blunt jerk attempting intimacy

this fic...this fic...op is literally one of my favorite artists of all time but Did You Know that their writing is also off the charts. what a wonderful use of second person and the pacing is so good. too much skill in one person 

*The MSBY Black Jackals Read Thirst Tweets by isaksara (11.4k, M)

Sakusa’s eyes are very dark naturally, sucking in all surrounding rays of light and crushing them in his pupils. For an athlete, he is rather pale. His lips look very pink in comparison. Atsumu is suddenly catastrophically aware that in this instance, ‘accent’ is a euphemism. “Good enough for your Olympic-size ego, Miya?”

(In which Atsumu realizes that he is attracted to Sakusa Kiyoomi in the most inconvenient way possible.)

i think this is the fic that got me into sakuatsu in the first place lol i was looking very specifically for msby socmed fics and now here we are. this fic is unbelievably funny

*liminal spaces by hhatsuna (25.9k, T)

Fuck you, Atsumu thinks, pointing at the pixelated Sakusa in the grainy team photo on his bedside table.

It’s easier than you’d think to ignore loving your teammate.

*Better For Us Both by abrandnewheart (15.7k, M)

Where “You already make me the happiest guy alive, babe," gives way to, “I’ve not been happy for a while now.”

Alternatively known as the ‘mug fic’.

yes this is a breakup fic. yes im going to recommend it anyway. breakup fics usually scare me a lot but this one is too good for me to not say anything about. nuanced and delicious. i look at the mug on my desk and feel pain

dog eat dog eat dog world by perennials (8.4k, T)

You are your first and only line of defense against the universe.

Koi no Yokan; 恋の予感 by ymra (15.3k, unrated)

Wherein Sakusa dreams of his future selves and discovers a little something along the way.

autumn ends, but we remain by wolfsbvne (5.3k, T)

atsumu stares at his ceiling at 2am. he stares until he can make out designs in his popcorn ceiling. a cat there, an onigiri here, and then something that suspiciously looks like a mop of hair, triangle eyebrows, and oh those two bumps are moles right above what atsumu just mapped out as an eye.

(or, atsumu is in kind of in love. sakusa is maybe in like.)

your fingertips, branding irons by Ceryna (5.8k, T)

Between the accidental touches he's reconciled, the deliberate ones he's endured, and, from those he's built years of trust with, obliged– Kiyoomi has never wanted to let someone indulge.

Never, until Atsumu.

take what’s yours and make it mine by claudusdiei (5.9k, T)

atsumu falls in love four times in his life

(or: in which atsumu gets his heart broken twice, has the self-awareness of a sober mule and really likes yellow tulips)

every action has an equal and opposite reaction by akanemnida (10.4k, T)

Miya Atsumu gets a modeling contract with Calvin Klein, which sets Kiyoomi's heart in motion.

(Or: Sakusa Kiyoomi realizes that the rules governing the universe are absolute rubbish at explaining matters of the heart.)

*where i want to be by tookumade (8.8k, G)

In the time they’ve been teammates at the MSBY Black Jackals, Sakusa has never been to Atsumu’s place, and Atsumu has only been to Sakusa’s a few times. There’s an unspoken understanding here: that Atsumu knows him well enough to know that nobody’s house or apartment would ever really meet his ridiculously high standards, and he is most comfortable in the home he’s made for himself.

That, and, Atsumu being over at Sakusa’s means that he has to host him and do the cleaning afterwards, while Atsumu can just flit off back to his own place. So. There’s that.

Tonight. Tonight is not business as usual. Tonight is not familiar.

*san'yō expressway, 6:17 pm by yamabato (8.1k, T)

Atsumu tilts his head to watch a slice of orange light bend over the impassive planes of Sakusa’s face. He is absolutely, ruthlessly beautiful. It makes Atsumu want to punch something—put his foot through the windshield—scream, maybe.

Kiss him again, maybe.

They have 344 kilometers to figure this one out.

parallax error: angle of inclination by min_mintobe (10.8k, T)

But now there's the one person Atsumu'd promised himself never to touch. His eyes leave Atsumu breathless with guilt at seventeen, and he spends the next six years safe in the satisfaction of making things right.

Feelings, of the physical kind, and one kiss.

ft. competitive spirit, childishness, and late night conversations.

Atsumu POV.

four leaf clover by vicari_us (5.9k, T)

Once, Ushijima claimed that they ‘got lucky’. If properly honed, their body types could become near invincible weapons.

However, unlike Ushijima, Kiyoomi’s weapon required a bit more care over the years to reach the condition it had become. He was born iron, not yet forged into steel.

Exploring what it might have taken to turn a genetic mistake into an athletic miracle.

*the 28 postcards you left me by wheelspokes (8.3k, T)

Atsumu takes texting your ex to a new level by sending Sakusa postcards in Animal Crossing instead.

such a unique premise & this is so beautifully structured. stunning flow and who knew animal crossing could convey so much longing...

AUs:

Pas De Deux by hhatsuna (dancer!sakusa au: 19.0k, T)

The mystery athlete gives Kiyoomi a once over in the mirror. “Yer pretty tall,” he observes, and the twang of an accent rasps low in his throat. His brazen eyes drift to Kiyoomi’s legs, and something like exhilaration glints gold in his gaze. “Good quads, too. Ya ever played volleyball?” Ah. So it’s volleyball.

“I’m a dancer. Ballet and contemporary, mostly.”

*my love, take your time by bastigod (archaeologist!sakusa au: 9.0k, T)

There was something sublime about wandering around an empty museum. Nothing could compare to the sound of his shoes clacking against the marble floor, the morning sunlight gently streaming through the lofty windows and the peaceful solitude of ancient stone kings overseeing their silent kingdoms.

A day in the life of Doctor Kiyoomi Sakusa, Archaeologist.

i’ve literally been thinking about this fic every day since it came out. you will not find a story like this anywhere else, i guarantee you. what a clear labor of love this fic is it’s truly something so special 

three roses and a smile by strawberrycitrus (surgeon!sakusa & microbiologist!atsumu au: 19.7k, T)

“I just got this job, I’m not givin’ it up for some moral boost ‘cause I actually need to pay my rent, ya insensitive -” Atsumu waves his hands around, trying and failing to come up with the right word to convey the amount of injustice that this gaunt motherfucker has brought into his relatively simple life thus far.

“If you can’t pay your rent, go get a job at the McDonald’s over by 8th Street,” Sakusa growls, “it’ll pay more than your researcher position.”

If you even attempt assault on a coworker, forget teaching about cells - you’ll fucking be in one, Atsumu.

*Dance of the Parallax by astroeulogy (ogre spirit!sakusa au: 6.7k, T)

For the last twenty years, Atsumu’s done all that he can to break his betrothal to the ogre spirit Sakusa. If he can just make it through one more night, he’ll be free.

honestly, just read everything by astroeulogy. i’m recommending this fic in particular because it has such an ethereal voice to it. magical

across oceans, across centuries by starstrikes (pacific rim au: 20.0k, T)

Six days ago, Osamu died and left Atsumu with this: Atsumu, you have to—

(Namikira rises with the tides and rips Osamu and Vulpis Empress away in one fell swoop. Six days later, Atsumu wakes up alone in a hospital bed and learns how to swim.)

you don’t actually need to know pacrim to appreciate this. a wonderful exploration of grief and recovery. also it’s exactly 20k words which is both satisfying and terrifying 

*Notte Stellata by awkwardedgeworth (ice skating/dancing au: 20.8k, T)

"Your partner doesn't need to hold anyone's hand other than yours," Sakusa's father crouches, "And you can wear gloves."

Sakusa ponders. He hears the other skaters of rink two whiz past as they launch themselves into lifts.

"Alright," He looks up from the ice, not knowing how he'll dedicate the next couple of decades to this sport, this partnership, this boy.

what a stunning fic. a beautiful progression of sakusa & atsumu’s relationship, rife with references to real skating programs, beautifully written and structured. so full of longing i’m in mild physical pain

[sepublic]

Sorry about the double ask so here's a fun idea, Emperor Belos wrote The Good Witch Azura books. Like he wrote them in his younger years before becoming a parasitic tyrant. - Pixel Anon

           That seems like it’d be the perfect opportunity to segue into a lesson about Death of the Author, which- Given Sense and Insensitivity, and how this show already discusses how fiction affects reality and connects with it… Would be VERY refreshing to see, especially as a moral that I don’t really see other kids’ shows exploring! I do recall OK KO bringing it up with the Hero Cards not representing Kappas, but the more the merrier. It’d also be fitting to discuss Death of the Author, and separating a work from a terrible creator- Given the show’s frequent references to Harry Potter, which has a rather infamous author…

           For neurodivergent kids who really get into hyperfixations and fandoms, which Luz and Amity basically are- It’d be fascinating to see them navigate this kind of twisted revelation! And it’d also force them to really re-examine The Good Witch Azura, because sometimes a work can’tbe separated from the harmful ideas of its creator, especially if it was made to transmit them… If Azura ever talks about dealing with ‘savages’, that’d be VERY sus and make matters a lot more complex. But then again, Azura also reconciles with Hecate, so it could be a matter of recognizing a work’s more problematic areas and criticizing them, while still enjoying it.

          And, this makes sense, as The Owl House really does convey that experience of engaging with media and fiction, and how it relates to real life… And how media and fiction CAN mean a lot to people, it’s perfectly valid for one’s hyperfixations to mean the world to them! It’s treated as objectively terrible for Luz to throw away her Azura book, and bar a few social misunderstandings, the Azura books have otherwise brought nothing but happiness for her and Amity, and even functioned as something for them to bond over!

          It’s perfectly okay for fiction to mean a lot to Luz, and she’s not being childish for wanting to hold on, to keep enjoying it- So it’d be an interesting discussion when Belos’ authorship is thrown into the mix, amidst potential problematic bits here or there. Then again, Luz is an ND-coded kid who continues to find solace in these stories, which would suggest that there isn’t anything there that would bother her- At least, nothing she’d have really noticed until someone pointed it out to her.

           Then there’s the appropriateness, of Belos’ own fantasy being what could’ve led to Luz being deluded in her own right, projecting fantasies and dreams onto reality, wanting to be a chosen one… It’d be an extension of the kind of harmful delusions and ideas he puts into others, tying it back all the way of Luz herself, prior to arriving on the Boiling Isles! It’d give us insight to Belos as someone who really gets people to believe in the idea of being special, of being chosen, specifically for the Emperor’s Coven… And how this could relate to HIS character, if he himself is also a victim of these kinds of issues. If Belos is Luz, in that she never learned to differentiate fantasy from reality, and felt entitled towards bringing her stories to life.

          Perhaps Belos isn’t REALLY chosen by the Titan, he just likes to think of himself as a Chosen One- Or he was, but others can also quality for this honor, which is something that aggravates Belos because it alludes to him not being more special than others. Because to Belos, it’s not enough to be unique and valid in your own way; You must be actively better than others, and the creation of the Emperor’s Coven above all reflects this. The belief that magic is a privilege, a luxury, something you must actively earn or be more worthy of than others for…

           It’s also an interesting contrast, as if Belos has also been influenced by his works, or his works are a reflection of that- Then it’d set him apart from Luz as someone who actively deludes himself. As someone who is voluntarily blind, and willfully ignorant- Just like Lilith, who was inspired by Belos and looked to him as a role model when she was younger. Even before becoming a parasitic tyrant, Belos was a dark reflection of Luz, subjecting others to fantasies and delusions… Maybe not initially maliciously nor willingly, maybe it was just him having fun like any author. But then this innocuous action became very dark in retrospect, as Belos and his ‘hobbies’ worsened and took on a more harmful role for the people of the Boiling Isles.

          I suppose it’s worth noting that Belos’ imagery invokes a lot of white, which is also seen with Azura’s predominantly white-and-purple robes… While Belos is white-and-gold. If Belos is a dark deconstruction of Luz’s assumption of a Chosen One narrative and fantasies, then maybe he’s also a deconstruction of Azura herself; And this of course suggests that he actively emulated his own creation. He’s artistic and a writer like Luz is, but it seems Belos got TOO convinced by how good he was, and couldn’t take constructive criticism- Which could be like King as an author in Sense and Insensitivity, up until he realizes that Luz’s input helped make him so great!

           Luz and Amity can still engage in fantasy and fiction, the show always lets them find joy in this… It’s just a matter of finding the distinction between the two and recognizing it. Fully indulging into fantasy is what could’ve led Luz to accepting Adegast’s illusions… But entirely rejecting is is the path that is the Reality Camp, which would’ve sucked the fun and joy out of Luz and turned her into a hollow, soulless imitation of herself. It’s okay to find comfort and media and even be inspired by it, to even take lessons from it; And while you should always prioritize listening to real life when it says otherwise, I think it’s worth observing that Luz’s quest to be a good person like Azura… Well, influences her to be kind!

          And it’s this desire to emulate Azura that influences Luz to learn magic, which creates yet another hyperfixation that brings the girl joy, and leads to her connecting with Eda and everyone else in the Boiling Isles in the first place by staying there! Perhaps Belos will contrast with Luz in that while he recognized media’s ability to make him feel happier, he ultimately used it as a crutch, a substitute for actual meaningful interaction and connection with other people- Thus creating the monster we see today. There could be the idea of finding role models, people you want to emulate- But also recognizing their flaws, where to criticize them, and not be like them. That could tie into how Eda is a teacher to Luz, but isn’t always right and excels by taking Luz’s feedback into consideration, instead of assuming she always knows better and will never be wrong.

           All in all, this is a fascinating idea Pixel Anon! Even if Belos has no literal connection to the Azura books, I am a big fan of the idea of him being a dark reflection to Luz… A Luz as we see her start out in the series, only to be a Luz who never learns the lessons we see her go through. Belos wanted to be a hero, a main character; But he never went through the actual arc and character development of one, and instead ended up as the static villain, the main antagonist who causes problems for actualheroes. If some characters become what they despise most by trying to avoid that, then perhaps Belos is someone who avoids becoming what he wanted to be, in his attempts to be like that.

          Whether or not media has played a role in Belos’ life has yet to be seen, but there is the idea of him having lived out a traditional ‘fantasy’ without realizing it as such, because to him this IS his reality- So it’s ironic then that Belos deludes himself while Luz doesn’t. Maybe it’s because of this, because Luz has that self-awareness to consider the divide between her fantasies and what reality actually is; Because she has an actual frame of reference for what fantasy and fiction is. Suddenly I’m reminded of that joke in Lost in Language, when Gary sees “Fiction-Fiction” because the Non part, the reminder of reality, was erased; And he has an existential crisis, wondering if any of his life was real…

          Imagine this being foreshadowing to BELOS, of all people, having an epiphany- Realizing that so much of his ‘reality’ was just his own fiction, that he questions what things were real and what things never were. Belos realizing he forgot to consider reality, and now he’s questioning everything he knows, if his arcane knowledge is all for naught if he can’t even distinguish facts from fantasy… etc. What is real and objective- What if all of his ‘Non-Fiction’ was simply just Fiction, and Luz the troublemaker must reveal this to Belos? I’m just imagining Luz very awkwardly cringing and navigating around Belos’ breakdown, but also sort of relating to his dilemma and helping him recover; At least for the sake of everyone else, because a reformed Belos makes life easier than a dead one.

          Plus, Luz is very compassionate in that sort of way… And while Belos’ radiance has blinded him for so long; Now, it’s Luz’s less harsh Light, which helps open his eyes and allow Belos to properly see the world around him. Eyes DO seem to be a major motif in the Boiling Isles, and with Belos, whose eyes need to be fixed by some palisman bile… If Belos’ light has blinded all, himself the first victim; Then Luz’s more Night-time, Star-oriented Light can bring a sunset to Belos’ shining era, for now the sun sets on his empire after all these years. And with the lights dimmed, Belos can appreciate the darkness around him as a contrast, and truly recognize things for what they are… And Luz can metaphorically open his eyes and mind.

          If Luz illuminates others to the truth of their situation and what they’re doing- Then maybe her final obstacle can be Belos… Alongside her mother Camila, when Luz reunites with her and reveals just how much happier she’s been in the Boiling Isles, instead of the Reality Camp that was actually going to hurt her. THAT would be an unusual parallel, Belos and Camila, as two significant adults in Luz’s life… Potentially ones who taught Luz everything she knew prior to Eda, with Camila providing social interactions to the girl, while Belos provides lessons through his Azura fiction and media. If Azura and Camila were all Luz knew and learned from, it’d be interesting for her to teach THEM something herself- Again, a continuation of that theme of the teacher having a lot to learn from the student, and not being so infallible and all-knowing themselves. Even a teacher like Eda can still enjoy the wide-eyed opportunity and curiosity to learn as a student, once more…

[tachimybananase]

Hiki & Howl

Original work by yours truly I’m working on this fic for 4 or 5 years now. This is the 3rd reboot, which some might find annoying or stupid, but since I’ve developed a lot as a “writer”, I want to make my existing works better (well, hopefully ^^) If you’ve read this before, please consider reading it again, because it’s very different from the last version! I hope you’ll enjoy this story and like the characters, they mean the world to me. :) You can also find me on Wattpad and AO3.  Summary: Hiki grew up in a strict Yakuza family with a harsh father and an abusive mother. After a traumatizing event, he lost all hope to ever find true happiness. Until, one day, a stranger came into his life and turned everything upside down.

Chapter 1 - Fate

"Hello, I'm here to meet Ueda-san. I have an appointment." A blond man in a black Audi Q7 sat waiting in front of a big iron gate. It took a moment after he had answered the intercom before the gate began to slowly open. "Follow the road until you reach the main building," a deep voice told him. The man did as he was told, following a graveled path for about five minutes until he arrived at a plaza stationed in front of a grand mansion. The mansion's architecture displayed a distinguished amalgamation of traditional Japanese charm and modern flair. He parked his car, got out, and adjusted his suit and tie before pushing up his glasses and walking to the entrance door. Giving no thought to hesitation, he rang the doorbell to which a buff, bald, gorilla of a man in a black designer suit answered. "Follow me," the man ordered, so he entered the house. They walked through the entrance hall and followed a long hallway, passing several doors before they finally reached their destination. The gorilla opened the door and gestured for him to walk inside. "Wait here," he growled. Doing as he was told he sat down on a black leather sofa, where he soon found himself alone. The room was bright and big, but the interior was quite spartan. Next to the sofa was a chair and a coffee table. On the wall to the right was a cupboard with an expensive-looking vase and a framed picture on it. Through the large glass door right across from him, he had a good view of the big, well-kept garden, which looked more like a park sizewise. Driven by curiosity, Howl got up to take a closer look at the picture on the cupboard. “Oh, a family portrait,” he mumbled to himself. The parents were sitting on two wooden chairs in the middle surrounded by five kids. The mother looked completely indifferent, and the father had a threatening aura. He knew that man’s face from the newspapers. It was the person he had an appointment with, and he wondered if the rumors were true. Are they really yakuza? Well, they sure look like it , Howl thought as he looked at the family in their expensive-looking, traditional yukata. Out of their five children, only two were smiling. One of them a teenage boy. He stood behind two smaller boys that looked close in age, his hands placed on their shoulders. He guessed the smaller boys, who were holding hands, were around ten. The bigger of the two was smiling as well, while the other looked shy, almost intimidated, but very cute. There was also a teenage girl that looked like she was pouting, and another boy that looked slightly older than her, with the same earnest expression as his father. Such a big family, but aside from those three boys in the corner, there was no feeling of happiness or wholesomeness whatsoever. Suddenly the door opened. Someone entered the room and Howl turned around. "Oh, there's someone in here, I'm sorry for disturbing!" A young man with long, rose blonde hair tied up in a ponytail, bowed. "I-I wanted to take a shortcut to the garden." He pointed at the glass door. "I assume you're waiting for my father…" "Yes, I am. My name is Harada Howl, nice to meet you," Howl answered. "N-Nice to meet you, I'm Ueda Hikaru," the boy replied politely but shy. Woah, he's cute , Howl thought instantly and suddenly realized… "You look like one of the boys in this portrait. Is this you?" He pointed at the smallest boy who looked intimidated. "Oh, yeah. That's me. Um, your name… It's quite unusual..." He changed the subject, but then he suddenly bowed. “I’m sorry, that was rude of me. I didn’t mean to be so intrusive.” "It’s fine, don’t worry. My mother was a big fan of the book 'Howl's Moving Castle' by Diana Wynne Jones, and she was a little extravagant, so she named me and my sister after the main characters." Howl replied as he was used to this kind of conversation. People often asked him about his name, which usually made him feel annoyed at his mother for not giving him a more common one. But weirdly, he wasn’t annoyed by that boy. "That's awesome, I immediately thought of that book! That’s why I asked. I love it too, it's one of my favorite stories,” Hikaru exclaimed. "You like reading?" Howl asked and pointed at the book the boy was holding. Hikaru nodded eagerly. "Yes, I love books. It's like living another life… Good books take you away from reality and let you forget where you are, who you are, and even that you're reading at all..." he replied with glowing cheeks and a spark in his eyes. "Your excitement is very refreshing, Ueda-kun," Howl said and smirked. "Oh, umm…" Hikaru blushed and looked down, obviously flustered. "C-Can I offer you some tea while you’re waiting? My father's men aren't very hospitable." "But weren't you on your way to the garden? I don't want to trouble you," Howl replied. "Oh no, I just wanted to go for a walk… I can do that later." "Well, in that case, I would love to have a cup of tea, thank you. But only if you join me." "Sure! Do you like green tea?" Hikaru asked eagerly. "I love green tea," Howl smiled warmly, which made the boy freeze with a surprised expression. Then he blushed and rushed out. Howl slumped back down on the sofa. "What the heck… My heart is beating like crazy…" he mumbled to himself. Is it because of my appointment? No... I’m not the type who gets nervous before meeting a potential client. Then… Is it because of him? I mean… He is really cute, Howl thought. This is a first. Thinking of a guy as cute? Strange... Dammit, I should focus on my appointment, but... After a few minutes, Hikaru came back, carrying a black tray with a teapot, a cup, and a plate of cookies on it. He placed it on the coffee table and sat down next to Howl. "Here you go, Harada-san," he said as he poured him a cup of the healthy brew. "I made the cookies myself, I hope they’re to your liking," Hikaru added nervously. Howl took one of the cookies from the plate and tried it. "Ueda-kun, they're delicious! Hands-down the best chocolate chip cookies I've ever had," he praised him. "Ha-Harada-san, are you making fun of me?" The boy asked skeptically. "Not at all! My father's family runs a chain of sweets shops, so you can trust my verdict," Howl winked. "Maybe you've heard of Harada Sweets before?" "Y-Yeah... Um, well, I'll take the compliment then, thank you. I'm very happy that you like them." He looked down shyly and blushed. Howl's heart was throbbing wildly as he was completely bedazzled by this boy's brisk cuteness. He noticed that Hikaru seemed very insecure, but Howl didn't know at the time that it wasn't like him to talk to others so uncoerced. That he usually didn’t speak much at all, but that there was something about Howl that made Hikaru feel comfortable enough to almost forget about his shyness. "Ueda-kun, may I ask how old you were in that picture?" Again, Howl pointed at the photograph on the cupboard. "You're the youngest one of the bunch, right?" "Oh… I was ten when it was taken. I'm the smallest one, but my brother Hajime, who's standing right next to me, is one year younger than me," he explained. He looked sad and Howl wondered why that was the case. “Sorry if my questions make you feel uncomfortable. I’m too nosy.” “No, you’re not, it’s fine, really! I just don’t like looking at that picture. It was taken a year before my brother Satoshi passed away. The one who’s standing behind me.” Howl looked at the broadly smiling boy in the picture. “I’m sorry, my deepest condolences. That was very insensitive of me...” “You couldn’t have known, it’s fine,” the boy replied. “I shouldn’t have mentioned it…” He brushed a strand of hair behind his ear insecurely. "So you're 17 now?" Howl changed the topic to hopefully ease up the boy’s tension again. "I turned 18 on the twenty-second of April." "Oh, that was only three weeks ago… Happy belated birthday!" "Th-Thank you." Hikaru blushed. "Are you attending University yet?" "I'm going to attend T-Uni starting September. Since my birthday is after the start of the spring semester, I decided to begin in September." "T-Uni? That's funny, because…" Howl started, but suddenly the door opened and the gorilla entered the room. "Ueda-dono wants to see you now. Follow me," he said. “Hikaru-sama, you shouldn’t be here,” he added growling after he noticed the boy. “I’m sorry, Kitamura-san. I’ll clean up and leave.” The gorilla nodded and left. Hikaru got up and bowed to Howl. “It was nice talking to you. Um… Sorry, if I bothered you, though.” Howl started panicking internally, he wanted to talk to that boy more! He got up and frantically rummaged around in his pocket, pulled out a flat silver box, opened it, and took out one of the business cards that were inside. "Ueda-kun, I would like to meet you again to continue our conversation. I really enjoyed talking to you. Please call me or send me an email, okay?" The stern expression on Howl’s face as he formally offered him the card with both hands startled Hikaru. He hesitated for a moment and looked at the card without saying anything. It read: 'Harada Howl - Founder and CEO of Castle Tech - IT and Smart Home Security'.   The people that usually came to their house weren't exactly of the upright kind, and it could have been a dummy company, but Hikaru didn't want to be rude to the man, since he had been kind to him. So he took the card and Howl’s earnest expression turned into a relieved smile. “Hey, what’re you waiting for, follow me,” Kitamura barked at him as he reentered the room. They quickly said their goodbyes and Howl left. Hikaru sighed and put the card into his jeans pocket. What a strange guy , he thought as he cleaned up. But he liked my cookies… He smiled, took the tray, and brought it back to the kitchen before he finally went on his walk.Hikaru liked the big garden behind the house, especially the part that was the furthest away from the main building. No one ever walked that far, so he had it all to himself and no one who would disturb him. Hikaru preferred sitting underneath his favorite tree over being inside the house. The atmosphere there was always kind of dark and cold and his father often had 'business partners' over, most of whom were unpleasant people. He didn't feel at home there… Or welcomed even. As he had reached his little hideout, Hikaru made himself comfortable on the ground between the roots of a big cherry tree and took a deep breath of the warm spring air. Then, he suddenly realized something. "Crap, I forgot my book in the room because of that guy…" He sighed, annoyed at himself. "That guy…" Hikaru leaned back against the tree and looked into the cloudy sky while thinking about that stranger. He looked like a foreigner with his blond hair and blue eyes. He was also abnormally tall, at least for Japanese standards. Hiki estimated his size to be around 1,90m. The man’s appearance was quite impressive, not only because of his size. He wore a dark blue suit with a white shirt and a dark blue vest that flattered his blue eyes and the cut underlined his broad shoulders. His expression was stern, which was emphasized by his black, square-shaped glasses. Yet, he was surprisingly friendly. His smile and his deep voice felt comforting. “He liked my cookies,” Hikaru grinned, but then shook his head. "What am I thinking about…?" He clicked his tongue. It had been the first time that one of his father's associates was nice to him in a non-creepy way. The clientele normally consisted of other Yakuza Clan leaders or members. Growing up as the son of the head of one of the biggest clans wasn't easy, especially because Hikaru despised violence and weapons. His siblings were better at accepting their lifestyle, but he just wanted to get out of that house as soon as possible. “Oh right, he gave me his card…” The boy reached into his jeans pocket and pulled it out. "Harada Howl, huh…" He stared at the card for a moment and wanted to put it back, but then he hesitated. "He was very kind and polite, I should at least thank him for that, right? Yup, definitely. Manners are important," he told himself, took out his phone, and started typing a message. [Thank you very much for praising my cookies earlier. Best regards, Ueda Hikaru.] He tapped the send button, but then jolted. "Wait! No, that sounds stupid, how do I delete this?!” He panicked, and as he tried to find out how to delete a message on the app he was using, his phone suddenly started buzzing. "Wah!" Startled by that, Hikaru dropped it on the ground and looked at the upwards directed display. “It’s his number! Why is he calling?!" Hikaru's heart was pounding so hard, it felt like it was about to burst through his chest. He reached for the device, but the moment he picked it up, it went silent. "I missed it…" He wasn't sure why, but he felt sad. He sighed in frustration when his phone started buzzing again. "Y-YES?!" He answered so eagerly that he cringed over his own behavior. What the hell is wrong with me , he asked himself. "Ueda-kun...? Are you there?" "Yes, it's me! I’m here!" "Can you talk or are you busy?" "It's fine…" "What are you doing right now?" "I'm still in the garden…" Hikaru leaned back against the tree, happy to hear the man's voice. "Isn’t it lonely out there?" "I don’t like people, they’re troublesome. Being alone outside in nature is much better." Did I just say that I don’t like people?! He’ll think I’m a freak , Hikaru thought, panicking. “Yeah, I don’t like people either, but I have to be social due to my job…” Hikaru’s heart throbbed with happiness. “Really...?” “To be honest, I’d rather spend my days writing code alone in my office than socialize. Talking to people is straining, but not talking to clients would be kind of bad for my business.” “Yeah, probably…” Hikaru smiled broadly as he felt understood in that regard for the first time. “Where are you right now?” “I'm in my car on my way home to Tokyo, that’s why I thought I'd call since I can't type and I didn’t want to wait for an hour before answering. Luckily the meeting with your father was over quickly. He knows exactly what he wants, which makes it easy to work with him.” "So it went well?" "Let’s say, your father is quite a character, but yes, it went well and we’re gonna work for him in the future... Honestly, I've never met someone like him before, and to be blunt, I’m not sure if that’s a bad thing." "It sure isn't. So… That means you're not one of them?" "T hem ? Oh, you mean Yakuza?” Howl asked bluntly. “Yeah…” So it is true , he thought. “No, I’m not and that's not my usual clientele, but having him as a client will actually be great for our growth, he has a lot of influence... As long as they don't want me to do anything shady, I don’t care what my clients do in private." Hikaru felt relieved. "What does your company do?" "It's just boring IT stuff, mostly. Among other things, we develop Smart Home Security Systems and such. We're going to set up new IT systems at your father's offices and install a new Home Security system..." Howl kept rambling about his line of work for a while and, though Hikaru didn't understand most of the technical terms, he wasn't bored for a single second. He enjoyed hearing Howl talk so passionately about his profession, and couldn't help but smile the whole time. "Jeez, I’m babbling, sorry,” Howl interrupted himself at one point. “To continue where we left off earlier, you said you’re going to attend T-Uni in September, right? What faculty?" "Education, I want to become a teacher," Hikaru replied. "Is that so?" "Yeah, my Brother-in-law is a professor and he always talked so passionately about his job, it inspired me." "I see. Well, good luck and work hard, Ueda-kun." "Th-Thank you, I'll do my best. My grades are quite good and I'm really looking forward to my University life." "Are you going to move to Tokyo? It would probably be more convenient than to travel by train every day, right?" "I want to, but I wasn't able to find a job there yet, and there are no free dorms currently.” "Can't your father pay for your rent?" Howl asked bluntly. "Well, he could and he even offered it, but I don't want to rely on his money. It’d make me indebted to him, that’s why I worked hard for my scholarship. I should explain why being independent of him is important… You know, in our world, you’re supposed to take the path your family chooses for you. Basically, you have to work in the family business… My father decides what exactly you’re going to do and his will is our law. But I didn’t want to waste my life doing something I hate, so I made a deal with him that allowed me to take my own path.” “A deal?” “I had to fulfill certain criteria like getting straight A’s in school, present him a life plan and such, which was fine and somewhat reasonable. But if I depended on his money and did anything he’d be displeased with, he could just go and cut me off financially. I'd be forced to come back here and work for him after all. With a job, I would be able to stay in Tokyo and live my own life no matter what.” “So you’re creating your own safety net, huh…” “Yup, that’s the plan. Even if it’s a shitty job and I’ll have a tiny, run-down apartment, anything is better than this house. I really have to find a job, I wanna move out as soon as possible. And the commute would be horrible. By train, it’s one and a half hours each way every day..." “I’m impressed, Ueda-kun. Your determination to stand on your own two feet at such a young age amazes me.” “R-Really?” Hikaru blushed and was glad Howl wasn’t able to see it. “Absolutely! You could live a comfortable life, but you’re choosing the hard way. That’s honorable in my opinion.” “Th...Thanks…” Hikaru replied flustered. “Wait, wasn’t there something you wanted to say when Kitamura-san interrupted us? I just remembered… You said it’s funny that I’m attending T-Uni, because… And then Kitamura-san came in.” “Right, I wanted to say that my sister is a T-Uni alumnus.” “Oh really? Right, you mentioned a sister when we talked about your name. You said you’re both named after the main characters in the book, so her name must be Sophie…?” "Correct. She's my twin and moved to Hokkaido after graduating. She works as a dojo instructor. She’s incredibly talented when it comes to martial arts." " That sounds impressive! But isn’t it tough to live so far apart when you’re twins?" “I do miss her, but she’s working for a prestigious dojo and a famous sensei who’s won many awards, she couldn’t say no to that. We talk on the phone often, though. We’re still very close.” “Do you have any more siblings?” “No, we’re the only family that’s left. Our parents passed away and we only have an aunt who partially raised us. But she lives in the UK… We don’t have a big family like you, unfortunately.” “Well, I might have a big family, but I’m not close with all of them. I’m closest with my brother Hacchan.” “I’m trying to recall the family portrait… He was…” “The one next to me who was holding my hand. He’s very protective over me, even though I’m the older one,” Hikaru smiled lovingly. “We also have a childhood friend, Kaito, who’s my age, and like a brother to me also.” “It’s important to have someone you’re close to.” “Yeah… Especially if you don’t like people,” Hikaru chuckled, and Howl did as well. “That’s true…” They continued to have a very long conversation and both didn't realize how much time had passed. Howl had gotten home, had had dinner, but they were still on the phone together. "Ah-choo!" Hiki suddenly sneezed, interrupting a heated conversation where they were discussing the latest episode of a drama both of them were watching. "Oh, bless you! Wait... Ueda-kun, are you still outside?!" "Yeah, I haven’t moved an inch…" "Jeez, go inside, it's dark already and the nights are still cold! I hope you won’t get sick..." Hikaru smiled, happy that Howl cared about his well being. "I will, sorry." He got up and walked back to the house. When he had reached his room, someone suddenly grabbed his shoulder from behind. Hikaru jolted and almost dropped his phone again. "Wah, what the…? Oh, it’s you… Jeez, you scared me!" His younger brother Hajime was standing behind him. He was the complete opposite of Hikaru. Hajime was tall, strong, and had a toned body due to the martial arts he did. Hiki on the other hand was very slender and looked rather frail. Not unhealthily skinny, but also not muscular at all. So naturally, everyone mistook Hajime for the older one. "Niichan, there you are! Kai came over to play video games, wanna join us?" "Umm no, not today, sorry." Hikaru tried to hide his phone. "What're you up to," Hajime asked curiously as he noticed his brother’s weird behavior. "Noth-... AH-CHOO!" "Eh, are you getting sick again? You should take a hot bath. Want me to-" "No, no, it's fine, really! I'll just go to bed, I'm sleepy, goodnight! And say hi to Kai for me." He turned around and hurried to his room, leaving a startled Hajime behind. Hikaru sighed loudly after he shut the door. "Are you still there Harada-san?" "I am, are you okay? What happened?" "Nothing, just my brother. Where were we?" Hikaru slumped down on his bed and they continued talking for a while longer until the boy started nodding off.On the next morning, Hikaru woke up with a throbbing head and moaned as he got up. He felt horrible. In addition to his throbbing head, his nose was stuffed, his body hurt and his throat felt sore. “Guess I caught a cold after all,” he said to himself with a husky voice. "Jeez, and I fell asleep with my clothes on… Wait! Did we even hang up last night? Oh no..." Hikaru realized that he must have fallen asleep while Howl was still on the phone. His feverish cheeks became even redder. "How embarrassing!" He coughed and took his phone. “A message!” He opened it and read: [Ueda-kun, I hope you're okay. I'm sorry, but I hung up the phone after you fell asleep. Well, I listened to your breathing for a while, which sounds creepy, but it felt so relaxing… Can I call you again tonight? I haven't had that much fun in a long time...] Hikaru's heart skipped a beat. It's fun for him to talk with me , he thought excitedly and typed in an answer. [I feel the same! Sorry for falling asleep (⌒_⌒;) Call me whenever you have time.] Unexpectedly, he received a reply right away. [Can't wait. I’ll call you in the evening after work, around 8.] Hikaru was so happy, he almost forgot how sick he felt. “Niichan?” His younger brother suddenly knocked on the door and opened it. “Are you ready for breakfa- Woah, you look awful!” “Thanks, Hacchan. Good morning to you, too,” Hikaru replied sarcastically. “I knew it! I knew you caught a cold! You were hanging out in the garden for way too long again. How often do I have to tell you to at least take a blanket with you? You know how easily you get sick,” Hajime scolded him. “Anyway, stay here, I’ll go and ask the chef to make some rice porridge and tea, no objections! Do you still have cooling pads? If not, I’ll ask Kai to bring some from the konbini, he’s coming over after work as usual...” “I have a whole box left in my drawer...” Hikaru mumbled. “Alright. Rest now, I’ll be back in a bit.” The boy slumped back down into his pillows as his brother rushed out. “Not gonna put up a fight, too tired…” he huffed to himself. But he appreciated Hajime’s mothering a lot since their actual mother wasn’t exactly the loving type. Hikaru made sure to thank him when he brought the steaming hot meal and freshly brewed tea. Despite his bad health, he was excitedly looking forward to his new friend’s call, but his condition only got worse over time and he slept most of the day. In the end, Hikaru missed the call.He was devastated when he woke up the next morning and saw the missed call on his phone. “I bet he’s mad now…” Hikaru muttered, struggling while trying to sit up, weakened by his cold. He couldn't help but tear up as he gave in and just laid there. “I hate this… I hate myself…” he whispered frustrated and disappointed in himself. He hadn't even noticed that his brother and his childhood friend Kaito had entered his room to look after him. "Niichan, are you crying? What happened, are you feeling worse? Want me to tell Sasara to drive you to the hospital?" Hikaru shook his head. "I’m sad… I really like him, you know… I wanted to talk to him more and maybe even see him again, but now he's probably super mad at me because I didn't pick up the phone last night… Or he thinks I hate him , which I don’t," he sobbed. Hikaru didn’t want to tell them about Howl, but the words just slipped out while Hajime and Kaito looked at each other in confusion. “Finally someone I got along with who isn't my brother or my best friend and I screw it up just because I have to get sick again. Great timing, Hikaru! Well done, you weakling! Dammit…” Hikaru cursed, talking more to himself than to Hajime and Kaito. "What’re you babbling about?" "Maybe he’s hallucinating because of the fever. I mean, he’s done that before... Or he’s just going crazy," Kaito said in his typical nonchalant manner. "I’m so sad," Hikaru sniffled. "The day before yesterday, I met someone and he liked my cookies and accepted me, didn’t judge me… But he probably hates me now and I deserve it!" "Niichan, who the heck is he?" Hajime asked concernedly. Hikaru sat up, moaning. "Ugh, I’m dizzy…” He took a deep breath. “His name is Harada-san. He totally gets me, and he’s just so cool, and it’s sooo much fun talking to him," Hikaru swooned with a runny nose. "Ew, gross…" Kaito remarked at that sight and threw a tissue at his friend. Hiki blew his nose weakly and continued: "He had an appointment with father because something, something, computer stuff.” Hiki nodded knowingly. ”He likes computers more than people. Just how I like… Anything more than people. Okay, I like some people. Like him ... He was waiting for father and I offered him tea and cookies... He really liked my cookies, did I mention that…?" Hiki grinned dreamily. “Wait, he’s one of father’s business partners? Niichan, those people are dangerous, what the hell’s gotten into you?!” “He’s not like that, Hacchan. No, no. He’s a good guy. Very good. A good cookie...” Hiki giggled. "What’s with the damn cookies all the time? You're such a weirdo..." “See, even you think that I’m a weirdo. But he doesn’t!” Hajime stepped closer and placed his hand on his brother's forehead. "Jeez, you're burning up, Niichan! Come on, lay back down." Hiki diligently did so and Hajime tucked him in. "I'll go and get you breakfast, you need to eat something, you’re completely delusional. Kai, can you stay with him?" Kaito nodded and sat down at Hiki's desk which was covered in books and notepads. "Hacchan, please don't tell mother that I got sick again, she’d kill me..." Hiki mumbled drowsily. "As if I would do that," Hajime replied, clicked his tongue and left the room. “Hey Hiki, I didn’t want to say anything in front of your brother, but you sound like you have a crush on that guy,” Kaito said, but all he got in reply was snoring. “...Rude. Well, maybe it’s all just nonsense because of the fever… Last time you were down with a cold, you talked about a purple elephant with green wings and antennas that was taking you for a ride over Mount Fuji...” Kairo dismissed his assumption. But then his eyes fell on one of his childhood friend’s notebooks on the floor next to his bed, which had the name ‘Howl’ written all over it, with notes added such as: ‘likes chocolate chip cookies and chips’, ‘has a twin sister named Sophie’, ‘born on February 7th’, ‘likes the color blue’... “Jeez, Hiki... Let’s hope this is going to end well…” Kaito mumbled, frowning. "Crap, he didn't even eat or drink anything," Hajime cursed when he reentered the room a few minutes later and saw that his brother was sound asleep. "Just put it on his nightstand, he’ll eat it later.” “You know that he won’t, I’ll have to remind him. He’s so negligent when it comes to taking care of himself.” “True… Hey, that was some weird stuff he said, huh? Will you keep an eye on that?" "Definitely. If what he said wasn't a fever dream, then there's someone who obviously has some sort of interest in him. And a guy at that... Older than him too," Hajime clicked his tongue disapprovingly. "But it didn't sound like it was another Yakuza, so he should be safe, right?" "I don't know. It's weird that Niichan is so into someone he just met. It's not like him at all, you know how shy and reserved he normally is towards anyone, even other family members. This is concerning..." "Or maybe you're just overprotective? Maybe you're overthinking and they just get along well…? He doesn't have any friends besides us, so maybe he finally decided to open up a little more…" "Kai, you’ve known him since you were four… Do you really believe that he all of a sudden decided to become sociable? Niichan, who barely even opens up to us?!" "Okay, not really. But what are we going to do? He's not a kid, we can't tell him not to talk to strangers…" "Yeah, but…" Hiki's buzzing phone next to his pillow interrupted their discussion. Hajime leaned over and looked at the screen to see who was calling. "It says Cookie-san… So it wasn’t a fever dream..." "Are you gonna pick it up?" The second Kaito had finished his question, Hajime had grabbed the phone and answered the call. "Listen, whoever you are! I don't know what kind of game you're playing with my brother, but you better not have any shady intentions, or I'll find you and tear you a new one!" "Ah, you must be his little brother... Hacchan, right? My name is Harada Howl, nice to talk to you." "My name is Hajime! What do you want from him? I swear, if you’re from a rival group and hurt him in any way… You know what my family is capable of, right? You’re gonna regret the day you were born!" "Growing up in certain social circles probably makes you raise suspicion against others easily, but I'm a decent guy,” Howl replied calmly. “I’m not in that line of work. I run my own successful IT company. I'm not a crook, and I have no bad intentions regarding your brother. I respect that you want to protect him, that's what family does, and your brother speaks very highly of you. The two of you seem very close, but he’s eighteen, he can make his own decisions..." Hajime was surprised and even impressed by that man's straightforwardness and calm manner even after being threatened. "What exactly are your intentions?" "I don't have any. I just enjoy talking to him. It’s fun, interesting, and invigorating… He has a great personality and I would like to get to know him better." "Tch. You sound like you have a crush on him," Hajime said provocatively. "My brother isn't gay, so don't get your hopes up. You should just leave him alone." "Can't do that, sorry. Like I said, your brother is old enough to make his own decisions. If he tells me to leave him alone, then I will respect that. But brother or not, you don't have the right to tell me that in his place. Though you can rest assured that even if I had a crush on him, I would never force myself onto him. Anyhow, is this interrogation over? Because I would like to talk to him now." "He… He's sleeping off a cold,” Hajime replied honestly, startled by the stranger’s words. "I see, so that's why he didn't pick up my call last night. I will let him recover then. It was nice talking to you, Hacchan-kun. Maybe I'll have the pleasure again. Goodbye." "Hacchan-k…? I told you, my name is-... He hung up…!" Hajime looked at Kaito dumbfounded. "What happened? What did he say?" Hajime needed a moment to process their conversation. "...I hate to admit it, but I guess he's cool. Very blunt, but he seemed honest. I don't think he's a threat to Niichan... I'll still keep an eye on this whole situation though. Come on now, let's leave so he can get some rest." “He is resting… He didn’t even flinch. Once this guy’s asleep, it’s like he’s in a coma…” “I know, but do you wanna stay and watch my brother sleep, or do you wanna go to my room and make out?” “Hmm… Not sure what's more fun...” Kaito replied teasingly. "I'll show you what's more fun," Hajime growled, grabbed Kai's hand, and dragged him out of the room. For the next few days, Hiki was down with his cold. Due to his weak immune system, he was used to getting sick easily, but this time it hit him really hard. He had a very high fever and was out cold most of the time. Thankfully, Hajime and Kaito took good care of him. They wanted to call a doctor, but Hiki declined because he didn’t want their mother to get wind of it. They had a very strained relationship, and she hated when he became a bother to her. Hiki desperately wanted to avoid one of her tantrums, so he assured them that he’d be fine. After three days of mostly sleeping, he had finally recovered. Though, even his illness couldn’t keep him from constantly checking his phone to see if Howl had at least sent a message. But there was nothing. Hiki figured that this new friendship was over before it had even really started, and it made him incredibly sad. He thought about sending Howl a message to apologize but didn't dare to. "Jeez Niichan, stop sulking over some stranger…" Hajime rolled his eyes after he had entered his brother's room to check up on him. But all he saw was a blanket ball on the bed. “How are you feeling today?” "I'm not sulking. My fever is gone, I feel much better. Thank you for taking care of me, Hacchan, you're the best,” the blanket ball replied with a muffled voice. "I know, I know." Hajime smiled, happy about his big brother's praise. Hiki sat up and uncovered himself. "Where's Kaito? Don't you have karate practice today? He usually watches you…" "We had a fight…" Hajime sighed and slumped down on Hiki's bed. "Oh really? What happened?" "I wanted to make out earlier, but he didn't... And then I… kinda told him to stop bitching - OW!" Hiki had reached out and smacked his brother on the back of his head. "You're an idiot! Apologize, now!" He glared at Hajime. "I know, it was extremely shitty of me, and I feel really bad about it, but he won't pick up his phone…" "So what? Go to his house, it's just down the road! Hacchan, you need to understand that now that you guys are more than just friends, you have to be a little more careful with your words and actions. You’re so perfect for each other, please don't ruin it. I wish I had what you guys have…" "...Really?" "Of course! I mean, just because I never had a love interest doesn't mean I want to be alone for the rest of my life. I want someone who I can love and who loves me back…" "I really love him, that's why I can't help wanting to touch him all the time- OW! Niichaaaan, stop that!" "Hacchan, seriously, I know you’re only 16, but get your teenage hormones in check! If you love him that much, and I know you do, treat him with the respect he deserves. I can't believe that I really have to tell you that!" "Hey, I’m turning 17 next month! But you're right. I'll go over and apologize in person. Maybe I should pick some flowers on my way there..." "Now that's more like you, Hacchan!" Hiki patted his brother's head. "Niichan, my hair~" Hajime got up and walked over to the door. "What are you going to do today? Are you gonna stay in bed again?" "Hm… No, I think I'll sneak out and head over to Ramen Jiji." “I’ll go with you!” “No. You go and apologize. You don't have much time anyway, your practice will start soon, so hurry up.” “But you shouldn’t go to town all by yourself. Ask Sasara-san to drive you…” “I don’t want a guard, it’s awkward.” Hajime sighed. “So stubborn... But you barely ate anything in the past few days, so a big bowl of Jiji’s stamina ramen would do you good… Just be careful, okay?" "Yup." Hiki scooted over to the edge of his bed. "But first, I'll take a shower…" "And… You should call him," Hajime mumbled. "Huh?" Hiki's heart skipped a beat. "Call whom? What are you talking about?" Hajime rolled his eyes. "That guy you were swooning over when you were running a fever. If you like him, call him. Anyway, talk to you later.” He turned around and quickly left the room. Hiki blushed. He had absolutely no recollection of talking about Howl. ‘If you like him, call him’ , he thought. “As if that’s so easy…” Hiki sighed, got up, and went to the bathroom to get ready. Afterwards, he snuck out of the big, fenced property through his usual secret exit to go on the thirty-minute bike ride away to his favorite restaurant. Hikaru cursed the remoteness of their home every time he went there. Riding the bike for that long was exhausting to him, especially after lying in bed for days. Though the scenery of the countryside and the great air kind of made up for it. It was one of the rare moments when he felt free. At least a little bit. After Hiki arrived at his destination, huffing and sweaty, he sat down at the counter and placed his favorite book, that he had brought along, on it. The shop was quite busy, so he decided to start reading until the waitress had time to take his order. He loved going to that small and cozy shop. It was a little run down, but that just added to its charm, and the staff was always very kind to him. Plus, to Hiki, Jiji made the best Ramen in the world. "I'll be right there, Hiki-kun," the waitress shouted over when she noticed him. "No hurry, Kida-san," Hiki replied. "Ueda-kun?!" A deep voice behind him startled Hiki and he jolted around. His heart stopped when he saw the person standing there. "H-Harada-san? What are you doing here?" "I had an appointment at one of your father's offices nearby and got hungry… Since you're here, I assume you're feeling better?" "Huh?" "You were sick, weren't you? Are you okay yet? You look pale…" he frowned concernedly. "I-I'm okay… But how do you know?" "May I?" Howl asked before sitting down on a chair next to him after Hiki had nodded. "I called the other day, and your brother picked up your phone." "Hacchan? He didn't mention anything…" "He told me that you were sick, so I wanted to give you time to recover before contacting you again. But… I couldn't stand to wait anymore and wanted to call you yesterday. Unfortunately, something came up at work, and in the end, it had gotten very late. I was planning to call you this evening, but now that I met you here, would you like to have lunch with me?" Howl smiled and Hiki’s heart skipped a beat. "I-I would love to," he sparkled, happy and relieved. Howl's chest tightened. He's way too cute for his own good , he thought. Howl didn't plan on making any advances towards Hiki, but seeing him again in person, he was now 100% sure that he had fallen for that boy. "Alright, Hiki-kun. What can I bring you today," the waitress asked smiling as she approached him. "Um, I'd like a bowl of stamina ramen, please," he replied. "And for your friend?" "Can you recommend anything, Ueda-kun?" Howl asked. "Hmm… Everything tastes great here, to be honest. But maybe… Jiji’s special Tonkotsu Ramen? I mean, if Tonkotsu is something you like, you should try it, Jiji’s is the best!" "Sounds great, I'll have that," Howl told the waitress, who nodded and walked over to the kitchen. In the meantime, Hiki and Howl switched to one of the tables in the back for more privacy. "I'm really happy to have met you here, Ueda-kun. I wanted to talk to you more and I would like to have more of your delicious cookies… Jeez, I sound like a creep again…" "N-No, not at all! If I would've known that I'd meet you here, I would've brought you some. Next time, I promise," Hiki smiled broadly. "Next time? Love to hear that," Howl said and returned the smile, which made Hiki's heart throb, and he swallowed hard. What the heck was that, he thought, startled by his own reaction. "Oh, by the way… I stopped at one of my family's branches and got you this." Howl rummaged around in his dark brown leather briefcase and handed Hiki a black box with a golden peony emblem, and the writing 'Harada Sweets" on it. "Good thing I forgot to take it out after I bought it." "W-What is this?" Hiki asked dumbfounded. "Open it… I didn't know if you like them, but I decided to give it a shot." Hiki opened the shiny box and inside was a mix of colorful Japanese sweets that were shaped like flowers. "Uwah~ Namagashi! I love Namagashi, and these are especially pretty, thank you Harada-san!" Hiki sparkled. Howl cleared his throat, touched by the boy’s blitheness over such a simple gift. "I'm glad you like them. And thank you for having lunch with me, food always tastes better with company." "I agree! And… Well... I enjoy talking to you too,” he stuttered blushing. "Here you go..." The waitress suddenly showed up and placed their ramen on the table. They thanked her and Howl took a bite. “Oh wow, it’s really good! I haven’t had Tonkotsu this good in Tokyo!" “I know, right?” Hiki grinned and slurped in some noodles. “Oh, hold on… There's something on your cheek…" Howl reached out, wiped a little soup smudge off of Hiki's cheek, and licked it off his thumb. "W-What are you doing?" Hiki asked with a shocked expression. "It was a reflex," Howl replied, realizing that he might have gone too far, while Hiki's heart was beating like crazy and his face was glowing red. "Sorry for crossing a line,” he added and quickly changed the subject. "What was that book you were reading earlier, by the way?" "Book...? Oh, it's called Midair, Deep Sea by Usami Akihiko. He's my favorite author! It's one of his older works, they're a bit sad and gloomy. His more recent publications give off a lighter feeling, but I really like this one. He's a great author, he was the youngest person ever to win the Aomori Award," Hiki babbled. "I see," Howl smiled. "Ah, I'm sorry. I got carried away again..." "It's good to have something you're passionate about. Nothing to apologize for," Howl encouraged him. "Passionate… Like you and your computer things?" "Yeah… I've talked about that a lot, huh… I know it's boring, I get carried away too, I guess," Howl smiled apologetically. "It wasn't boring at all… It's good to have something you're passionate about. Nothing to apologize for," Hiki quoted him grinning. “Okay, you got me there,” Howl chuckled, glad that his action from before hadn’t ruined the mood. They continued talking about everything and anything and enjoyed their time together. There wasn't a single moment of awkward silence or anything alike, and they didn't even notice how time passed, just like during their call the other day. But then, all of a sudden, Hiki's phone started ringing. "Oh… Please excuse me, that's probably Hacchan checking up on me…" Hiki said, but then his soft expression hardened as he looked at the display. Howl was a bit startled by that since the boy almost looked like a different person. "Yes, Harumi? Oh... Okay. As you wish, I'll be there in half an hour… I’m sorry, I can’t be there sooner, I… Yes. Okay... Understood." He hung up and looked down on the table. Howl thought he seemed daunted, which made his heart throb heavily. "I'm sorry Harada-san, but I have to leave now.” Hiki got up. “Right now? Why so sudden? I hope nothing bad happened…” “That was my sister, she needs me to take care of her daughter. Something came up, and it's their Nanny's day off." Hiki sighed, he was devastated. He would've loved to spend more time with Howl but it couldn’t be helped. He knew that if he'd refused to follow his sister's orders, she would make his life a living hell. She was just like their mother. "I see... What a shame, I would've loved to spend more time with you. But I guess it can’t be helped," Howl said, and again, the boy’s heart skipped a beat. It was as if he read Hiki’s mind. "I’m so sorry, I have to hurry. They don't know that I'm here, I'm actually not allowed to leave the property without a guard. The bike ride back will take half an hour, so..." Hiki wanted to take out his wallet to pay for his meal, but Howl stopped him. "Please… That's on me." "B-But…" "Let me handle it as compensation for the tea and your delicious cookies the other day," Howl smiled. "Um… Okay. Thank you very much." Hiki blushed again and bowed. "I really, really enjoyed talking to you, Howl-san." "How about I drive you back home? Your bike would fit in the trunk…" "Huh? No, I don't want to trouble you," Hiki replied politely, but secretly hoped Howl would insist on it, just so they could spend 15 more minutes together. “No objections. I probably kept you here for longer than you would’ve originally stayed, so let me make up for it. Now let’s hurry so you won’t get into trouble." “Thank you,” Hiki smiled, happy that he would actually get those 15 extra minutes with Howl. They carefully placed Hiki’s bike in the Audi’s trunk and got into the car. Weirdly, they didn’t talk much on their way to the Ueda estate. Howl mentioned the beautiful scenery, but Hiki frantically thought about what he could use as a reason to meet with Howl again as soon as possible. “Ah, please stop here,” Hiki suddenly said. “If you drive me up to the main entrance…” “Yeah, they’d know you snuck out. But isn’t this too far from the house?” “There’s a hole in the fence over there. I’ll have to run, but this is the only way in.” “What about your bike?” Howl asked as they got out of the car, and he took it out of the trunk. “I always hide it over there in the bushes. Thank you so much, Harada-san. For everything…” Hiki said and turned around to leave, wanting to ask him when they could meet again, but his shyness was too overpowering. “Ah, Ueda-kun!" Howl stopped him and he jolted around. "Y-Yes!?" “I would like to meet you again soon… There's a festival in Machida this weekend, I saw a poster somewhere this morning. Would you like to go?” “I would love to,” Hiki gleamed. “Great! How about 7 pm? I could pick you up here...” “Let's meet at Machida station instead. There are guards patrolling the area around the property at night, they'd see the car... The train station is safer.” “Alright. Saturday, 7 pm at Machida station. Can't wait,” Howl smiled. Hiki smiled back broadly and nodded enthusiastically in agreement before he turned around and left in a hurry. While he was watching his niece, Hiki thought about Howl and their conversation. That man’s face always had this earnest expression, but when he smiled, he looked so kind and even cute. Though to him, he also looked cute while wearing that earnest expression. Is it even appropriate to think of someone as cute who’s seven years my senior , Hiki wondered. He also thought about how he smelled really nice, how big his hands were, and that his deep voice had such an interesting sound, which was even more intense and mesmerizing when he wasn't talking through a phone… Hiki suddenly shook his head to clear his thoughts as he built a lego tower with his niece. Why did he feel so drawn to this stranger? He had never experienced feelings like that before… “Hikaru-oji, stop daydreaming or I’ll tell mom that you did a bad job,” his seven-year-old niece complained, and for the rest of the time, he focused on the spoiled little girl. After he was done complying with his uncle-duties, Hiki went to his room and dropped on his bed. Normally, he was exhausted after watching that kid, but this time, he felt ecstatic. "Ugh, why am I so happy…?" he whispered as he touched his cheek where Howl had wiped off the soup. "Please let Saturday come quickly."

[alinaastarkov]

Honestly, like ... it's funny cause I actually liked Sophie before Season 8 aired, because I wasn't paying that much attention to her and her behavior outside the show, you know? Other than Emilia and Kit's interviews I wasn't really following the any of the actors outside of the show. But after the finale aired and everything exploded and fell to pieces, it was like a magnifying glass was put on all of them for me. And then I saw the shit Sophie had been saying for YEARS. (1/?)

Like how it wouldn't be fair if Daenerys got the iron throne because she had dragons, that Daenerys couldn't have EvErYtHiNg - as if she was personally affronted that Daenerys was so popular. And it was the same with Arya! She was constantly saying Sansa was the best character (and like, ok, a lot of actors probably say that about their characters, fine), but also going on about how 'smart' Sansa was and complaining that she wasn't as popular as other female characters (2/?) because she didn't 'act like a man'. 

Thank you so much for this long ask! To keep things organised, I am roughly going to answer this in sections.

I agree with you. I did not pay much attention to any of the cast really, and I’m still not hugely bothered about them. GOT is done and I rarely get invested in cast members. It’s characters I’m interested in. But I remember randomly coming across bts footage of the Jon/Arya hug from season 1, and I just fell in love with those two actors in particular, and I happened to see an interview with Emilia and adored her too. And that’s when I happened to see more of this cast and understand what they were like. But with the final season, and seeing pretty much everyone’s reactions that ranged from forced awkward laughter to straight up saying it sucked, it became incredibly obvious when any single person reacted positively. Even former cast members were saying it sucked, and celebrities not even involved were dragging it, so Sophie’s words on this topic (which I will touch on in a second) were put under a microscope, and subsequently everything she had said before was too. Her hatred for Dany was definitely fed to her by D&D, but there was definitely a jealousy about how other characters and actors were more popular than her. But her comments about female characters in general were so toxic.

I was even annoyed for a hot minute with Maisie too, because of all the shit she and Sophie said about Daenerys while promoting S8 (calling her power-hungry and saying she was worse than Cersei). BUT THEN. I noticed exactly what you said in an earlier post about Maisie going along with WHATEVER Sophie said. And when I re-watched those interviews it was always SOPHIE saying those shitty things, and Maisie just agreeing. (3/?) I even saw the interview you mentioned where Maisie kept changing her answers to match Sophie's. They're friendship comes off as really uneven and toxic, tbh, cause it felt like Sophie was CONSTANTLY running roughshod over Maisie.

Yeah, Maisie’s attitude initially seems off as well, especially with regard to Daenerys. But as you said, she never says this sort of thing in solo interviews, or interviews with other actors. It’s such a shame that there are so few without Sophie, so we rarely get to see what she’s like on her own. It would be one thing I suppose if Maisie gave similar answers to Sophie without much prompting, but she always has one answer, then Sophie speaks, and she changes it based on what she says. That really clearly shows you she is amending her behaviour to fit in with Sophie, which is not good. It does feel so uneven and I’ve had friendships like that and it took a while for me to cut them out. Once I did I felt much better. We obviously don’t know the ins and outs of their relationship, but it does feel very similar.

Sophie's also made uncomfortable comments dealing with racism in the past, she claims to be an advocate for mental health but then behaves abominably towards her castmates (4/?) (making insensitive comments about Kit's drinking during an interview, saying shit about Daenerys when she knows how much that could affect Emilia, etc.), the way she said she "loved" Sansa's rape scene because of how twisted it was, all that in addition to how she defended the show's final season (with it's STRONG xenophobic, isolationist undertones) even though she didn't even watch the last 2-3 episodes (5/?) - how she seemed so smug and happy about the (tone-deaf) ending, even seemed to be celebrating it when it was brought up in interviews (talk about not being able to read the room - seriously, everybody else seemed to realize it, and kept their mouths shut after the required promo period) - her history of sicking her fans on people who disliked Sansa/said anything negative about her on social media even when they didn't @ her (6/?) 

Her comments about race and mental health always made me uncomfortable too. I was sympathetic to her struggle with mental health, but then she invalidates everyone else’s struggles and it just made me dislike her even more. You can’t be an advocate for mental health and then say stuff like that about other people. Those two things do not go together. You could see when she said that stuff about Kit’s drinking that, though the audience laughed, everyone in the cast including Kit gave awkward smiles and giggles to cover how uncomfortable they were because they didn’t want to make a scene. And the way she talks about other characters is disrespectful. These characters mean a lot to the people who play them, and she does not react well when people give the same back to her. It reminds of John Boyega and his comments about Reylo and Ben Solo especially, knowing how much his castmates, Adam and Daisy in particular, love the character and how much he means to them, and he went ahead and said those things anyway, fuelling his fans to be cruel to other fans. It’s not as bad as Sophie perhaps, but it’s just poor form when these people are supposed to be professional. Sophie’s comments about Sansa’s rape scene came straight from D&D’s mouth, but she has to be at least a little self-aware about how that sounds and how gross it is, especially when she loves it because of how gross it was. You don’t see Emilia defending Drogo, do you?

Her reaction to the ending was so telling because it was the single positive opinion in a sea of negativity. Everyone else, including people no longer in the show and celebrities who were never involved, hated it and called it out to varying degrees (there was still contracts to fulfill) for how tone-deaf and nonsensical it was, and there was the table-read were everyone was devastated, but Sophie was grinning the entire time. She liked the show because her character won in the end. Sophie is not a writer, and it’s obvious when she praises the writing of this show (and criticises others which had far fewer problems than this). She did not care how nonsensical and crass the rest of the show was, as long as her character ended up on top, and then went out of her way to criticise people who hated it. Other actors have done the same, but on top of everything else it’s not a good look. And don’t even get me started on her behaviour on social media. It’s gross and not something we can blame on someone else.

after all that, everything about her just reeks of this 'woe-is-me I'm so oppressed white feminist' bs. It makes it impossible for me to like her now. Like, I think I'm only 1-2 years older than her, I don't come from nearly as much privilege as she does, and she has all the resources in the world to be educating herself and improving herself but...I don't see anything resembling that kind of growth in her. (7/7)

Yeah I can only agree. I’m five years younger than her and you would never catch me acting the way she does. She’s 24, she’s an adult, and obviously early fame and the producers affected her, but at some point we can’t keep absolving her of blame. She could be educating herself and alleviating her own ignorance, but it seems like she’s just doubling down. Maisie has had the same troubling influence from an earlier age, and she is younger, but she is not acting this way. I’m not hugely into following actors’ lives as I said, but when this was brought to my attention it rubbed me the wrong way. I am perfectly fine to ignore her as best I can, but I don’t have to like her. You don’t have to like celebrities if they’re not great people, and I don’t like her. And I’m glad the show is over so her castmates can go on to bigger and better things and leave that toxic environment the show created behind.

[blackssuunn-mandoandyodito]

Tabaco y Brea

Part 7

Pairing: Javier Peña x female! DEA reader

Warnings: angst, brief mention of sex, embarrassment? If you think I should add something, let me know

Summary: Javi thinks about everything that led both of you here, and worries about what Escobar said.

A/N: well here it is! I hope you enjoy it. I wrote another part before this one that has, mmm, smut, I'll post it but I'm not sure when, keep an eye out. Also, I changed some things shown in the series a little bit, but nothing major. Thank you for reading!

Note: this is slightly edited, just a few format stuff.

Masterlist•Chapter 6• AO3 account

If you were to ask Javier what his craziest years have been, he wouldn’t even hesitate to tell you with certain fondness in his eyes, that both 1979 and 1980 were close to his breaking point.

When he arrived in Colombia in the early 70's, he didn't expect to get so attached to the land, to the people. Often, he came off as an asshole who was only there to do his job and fuck his way through Colombia. And usually, he had no problem with portraying that facade. It made everything easier, no one tried to mess with him or get close. He could sit silently on his desk and smoke as much as he wanted for as long as he desired, no one but the big bosses would mess with him. He was always in his own world.

The real world though, felt like it was falling apart every day, without thinking about stopping or at least slowing down. Javier always felt like he had to put it back together, which was ironic because if he wasn’t able to keep himself together, how much could he do for the world?

Everything had a dual perspective for him since the day he arrived. Knowing two languages gives you a certain advantage that changes slightly the way you see things. Sometimes the differences were strikingly wide, and sometimes he couldn’t tell the two apart. The way foreigners saw things was colder, insensitive. The locals felt things, mourned, and thought more about the people than politics.

Javier was always torn between the two. He was a foreigner but always tried his best to not act like one. That didn't stop him from fucking up greatly multiple times though.

Once, while he's looking at some pictures of a roadhouse, the sound of the Ambassador arguing with someone over the phone reaches his ears.

'And what the hell am I supposed to do with a girl who's mom is FBI? I have enough petulant bullshit to deal with Javier here"

That makes him frown. Is he really that annoying?

"I don't give a fuck if she was the best of her class, I don't need more agents."

It's not usual to hear the Ambassador swear, so Javier knows it must be something that really bothers her if she's so angry.

Trying not to alert anyone else about it, he sits more straight and leans his head slightly towards the Ambassador's office, trying to hear better.

"If you're gonna send her anyways, why the fuck did you bother to call me then?" There's a short pause. "Well thanks for the courtesy between agents, it's no fucking help. Goodbye."

Silence settles over the office again after that, and Javier didn't find out much anyways so he doesn't dwell on it and keeps reading about the new Narco that's growing quickly over México, with base in Nuevo Laredo. Something about it tells him it’s tied to Escobar in some way.

Days later, he finds out he's going to have a new partner. 

He doesn't care too much either. His partners always run away after some months. No one can handle this war for too long, and he's not sure how he's pulling through it. It weighs heavy on his shoulders. It makes him wake up sweaty from a nightmare, scares any kind of hunger away, reminds him why he should never get attached to anyone everyday. And still, he's doing much better than the people he's supposed to be helping. Several times he feels close to losing hope, to giving up. Every morning he wakes up, looks at the mirror and wonders what he's doing, why he's doing it. He's breaking, falling down, giving up. He wants to run away but it feels like betrayal, to just drop everything and go back to Texas as if nothing happened. He wants to, but knows he won't be able to live without guilt every day of his life. 

The guilt, the sorrow, everything is suffocating him. There's not a day when fresh air fills his lungs, the gun tucked inside his jeans feels like it weighs a ton and nothing makes sense anymore. He's working on autopilot.

And then you arrive. That pretty, smart girl from the Ventura Q of the DEA, top of her class, arrives and twists his entire life.

You, with your bright eyes and your bright smile and your love for life. With amazement showing in your features when you look at the city once he takes you to a viewpoint. You, with the little sounds of pleasure you make when you're eating something he bought for you to taste. With the addiction you have for dancing he knows came from your close relationship with your father. You, with your giggles and your little screams when he takes you to see The Shining.

You, with the love for little things he has never felt before.

And he's not a man who cares about many things, if he's being honest. He didn't know how overwhelming love feels, how it changes the way you see life once the sensation of pure ecstasy and happiness fills you and pumps through your veins.

But, once, as you both read through the reports of other agents after a raid, he stops for a second and turns to look at you.

And fuck if what he feels in that moment doesn't scare him shitless. 

It's not even a special moment. You're just frowning and circling a lot of things with a pink marker as you huff. But you manage to look like something his imagination would create to try and pull him out of self pity while doing so, tired from hours of nonstop working but still shining like a star, as marvelous as a work of art. Maybe something beyond that, something he doesn’t have a word for. He knows you're real because someone as dark and twisted as him could never create something as astonishing and beautiful as you.

 He shouldn't feel anything, he knows it's a stupid decision to pay attention to the feeling inside his chest.

But he does, he pays attention, and it's whispering this is how love feels. This is what you've been missing. 

Needless to say, it takes his breath away.

He falls in love.

He falls in love, without brakes or any kind of control that could stop him from doing so. He lets himself fall in love, embraces it but doesn't do anything about it. He yearns, he aches. He cries sometimes. He laughs others. He gets drunk and sings the songs the guys at Texas used to play when he still was the Deputy there. He still can’t sleep, but now there are entirely different reasons behind it. 

Sometimes, when he feels really good and he has a good day, he indulges in domestic fantasies that he knows won’t ever happen because he most likely won’t make it out alive from this mess. If the probability was small before, now that he has someone to lose and therefore protect, the probability is practically non-existent.

No, he doesn't do anything about it, but he refuses to let go of the feeling. It helped him see there are still things worth living and fighting for, after all.

And it comes to bite him in the ass when he hears Escobar shout "me saludas a tu papi" (say hello to your daddy for me) at you when he almost dies just after days of tension between you two, after he fucked up in Cali.

Why did he have to fuck up in Cali, of all places? Couldn't he fuck up in Medellín?

Then he fucks up a little more. In for a penny, in for a pound.

----

"Have you ever been in love before?"

Asking those words after what you've just done seems out of place. Asking the man you just fucked through the mattress if he knows about love comes as almost rude, but aren't nights supposed to be for this kinda thing?

Javier shakes his head. "No, I don't think so." he answers, voice low and tired. "I was gonna get married, but I don't think I loved her."

You prop into your elbow, turning to look at him. "What happened?"

He closes his eyes and takes a drag from his Marlboro. "She told me she was pregnant just to tie me to her. The day before the wedding, she called me," his voice turns bitter and somewhat disappointed, "and said she had gotten her period. I fled from there and drove without stopping for fear of her brothers following me."

You know who he’s talking about. Lorraine isn't someone he talks about much, but when he does it's never with a good tone, though never anything rude. Javi isn't much of talking anyways.

You nod and plop back to the bed. Silence fills the room again, hot and foggy from the sweat you worked up to with your activities.

This is a bad idea, you know it. Fucking and not actualy having a settled relationship is maybe the worst decision you've made with Javi, and the talks that always follow just make everything worse.

He lets out all the sounds he wants to, and you're sure he's not like that with other women. He's a sentimental man, sure, but he's too scared to let someone he doesn't know get too close, even if he aches for that kind of attention. He communicates a thousand things by touch, things that make you ask yourself if they're real or if you're only making everything up, too hopeful. You figure he feels safe in your embrace, thinking it's worth risking your working dynamic and your friendship by your actions.

You're happy to provide it, no problem. You just wonder how long will it last before you break or one of you gets hurt.

You cannot bring yourself to care enough to stop. 

"What about you?" He asks. Summers in México come to mind, along with days of the training in Ventura and parties in California, different names popping up. None of them make you feel quite as Javier always does with just a glance.

"I don't think so either." you answer honestly, "Not that I can remember, at least."

He shrugs. "If you can't remember any, then there isn't any. Love is not something you can forget about."

Javi also tends to become slightly poetic after a good fuck and a cigarette.

His ribs are still a little bit bruised from the gunshots of a few days ago, purple spots covering his waist and his chest. And you don’t like to think back to that day, it still haunts you. But every time you and Javi fucked in between that day and today, you have to ball your hands into fists and clench your teeth to stop your tears from falling. You have to remind yourself it’s just sex. Yes, you agreed to be exclusive but in no other way could you be considered a couple. Besides, relationships between agents are forbidden.

(Not that it would stop you, but still)

“And have you ever wanted to be in love?” 

Javier frowns at the ceiling. 

“I don’t think we have much of a choice when love comes our way. Either you fall in love and suffer, or you fall in love and embrace it.”

----

If he only knew.

Javier and Steve both turn to look at you, the question marks in their eyes are evident to you. You stand up, as clueless as them when you walk to the door.

“Bera,” the Ambassador’s voice comes from her office with too much volume. It makes you jump slightly. “Come here.”

Once inside, she gestures you to take a seat in one of the chairs in front of the desk. It feels like coming to the principal’s office as a little kid who got in trouble.

She just stares at you for a few seconds, not saying anything.

That’s never a good sign.

The silence becomes heavy, and you have to push down the urge to squirm under her stare. Once she speaks, you wish she hadn’t.

“Are you sure about what you’re doing?”

She doesn’t even have to say it aloud for you to understand what she’s talking about.

Fuck, is it really that obvious? You and Javier don’t even act different in front of anyone. There’s not even a big change to begin with. It's just sex. You’re not staring lovingly at each other’s eyes or playing footsie under the desk, Javier even stopped buying food for you only, now you have to share with him. 

You take a deep breath, torn between feigning ignorance or acknowledging the situation with as much dignity as possible.

She doesn’t even give you time to think.

“Don’t even try to act like you don’t know what I’m talking about, I’m old, I’ve seen some stuff and you can’t play dumb with me.”

Well, there goes that.

“Can I ask something first?”

That surprises her. She breaks from the intimidating posture from before and leans back on her chair, nodding.

“How did you notice?”

She laughs, interlacing her fingers in front of her and looking at you with amusement in her eyes.

“Honey, I noticed even before anything happened. You two are obvious as hell. Even a little kid could notice it by staying two minutes inside the same room as you.”

That doesn’t make any sense. Before Cali, even before Steve, you were never sure about Javier’s feelings. You knew he wasn’t indifferent to you, but with the way he carries himself around, it’s difficult to figure out if what he’s showing is really what he’s feeling.

You decide against saying anything else and nod. She sighs, shaking her head as she looks at you. 

“I just hope you don’t regret it later.”

Well, you’re right there with her on that one.

She ushers you outside and you quickly stand up, forcing your legs to work at a normal pace and not run away like your brain urges them to. 

Just as you’re about to get out of the office, you hear her speak again, but the words are not meant for you to hear.

“I’m gonna kill him. I’m gonna kill him and then bring him back to life just to cut his balls off if he ever hurts her.”

You cover your mouth to stop the giggle from escaping, and walk to your desk with a smile on your face.

Javi arches his eyebrow at you. “Everything okay?”

You bite your lip. “Yeah, everything’s great.”

He smiles at you and winks. You chuckle, shaking your head and turning to read the reports you have to deliver that day. Most likely than not, you’ll have to say late to finish. Javier too, just like the day before yesterday.

Blood runs hot down your body as you remember. It had been an amazing night. Javi’s desk has a crack on the edge to prove it.

Realization hits you.

Oh God, so that’s why she noticed.

Tabaco y Brea taglist: @larakasser @storiesofthefandomloversreblogs @fioccodineveautunnale @thisisthe-way @synystersilenceinblacknwhite @marydjarin @ithinkimhardcore @nellyneko

[mellometal]

I know I said I don't associate myself with the Panic! fandom anymore, but this is something I have been ACHING to talk about. This is some bad timing, since it was Brent Wilson's birthday recently (yes, his birthday is July 20th, NOT August 20th; source: I've been following him on Twitter for five years and he's actually said this), but this is going to be about Brent and the whole situation with him.

Warning: What I'm about to say about the situation with Brent Wilson (original bassist) is heavily biased, since I do stan him. YEAH. I STAN BRENT MATTHEW WILSON, THE ORIGINAL BASSIST OF PANIC! AT THE DISCO. CRY ABOUT IT. STAY MAD. He's one of the ONLY members of Panic! At The Disco (past and present) who I give a fuck about, besides Ryan Ross, Spencer Smith, and Ian Crawford.

Trigger warning: This will be talking about arrest, jail, drugs (doing and selling), weapons (guns), childbirth, parenthood, and some other things. If these things are triggering for you or make you uncomfortable in any way, you do not have to read this post. Consume media that sparks joy for you.

Disclaimer: I don't know Brent in real life, I'm not in his circle of friends or people he's closest to (like his wife Taylor, his parents, his brother Blake, his in-laws, his irl friends, coworkers, etc.), and this is not me acting like I do. I don't know what his life is like outside of Twitter. The only contact I've ever had with him has been on Twitter, but it was pretty limited.

My thoughts on this situation are MY opinion, any possibilities in my thoughts are just theories and not proven to be true, and I'm not trying to excuse whatever he was allegedly charged with.

Just for the record, I am willing to have a civil conversation with anyone who hates Brent. The minute you attack me or anyone else who likes Brent, or a whole bunch of you start circle jerking about how much you hate him, you're getting blocked. If all you're going to bring up is the shit Brent did when he was in his late teens instead of adding anything useful to the discussion, you're getting blocked too. I already know about that. It happened back in 2004-2006. They were all still kids, to a point. Brent has changed quite a bit since then. The whole "Hate on Brent Wilson" bandwagon is stupid, toxic, and I refuse to jump on it. I've never jumped on it when I was in the Panic! fandom, so why would I do it now?

Remember, without Brent bringing Br3nd0n Ur!3 into Panic!, your precious Br3nd0n wouldn't be successful today. JUST SO YA KNOW. (I'm very salty right now, if you can't already tell.)

If you would like to know about what happened with Brent, a few months ago, he was arrested on (alleged) drug charges and illegal possession of a weapon, along with a traffic violation and something to do with a probation violation too. He was set to go to court back in March for his sentencing, but that's the most recent information I've found. I don't know what the fuck is going on at this point. I don't know if he's been sentenced, if he's doing anything alternative like rehabilitation, nothing. (The reason why I said they're alleged charges is because I don't know if he's even been to court for sentencing or anything like that.)

People's reactions were mixed. Some actually LAUGHED and made a whole bunch of jokes about him being arrested (that's fucking insensitive and cruel). Some felt bad for Brent because he just became a dad (yes, he's a dad, but I'm not posting any pictures of the kid out of respect for Brent and Taylor). Some were shocked. Some weren't surprised (how and why????).

My reaction? It was pretty mixed. I was shocked. I thought I was having a fever dream and what I was seeing was fake at first. When I realized it wasn't fake, I was crushed. I felt absolutely horrible for Brent, Taylor, their kid, and all their loved ones. Like, I care about the guy a lot. Obviously.

Ironically, the band members and/or group members I stan are either the black sheep or they're just not as popular. Or they're the fucking scapegoat almost EVERYONE attacks for the stupidest shit. Brent's the black sheep as well as the scapegoat of Panic!, for example....and I would say that Ian is another black sheep too. Not for any negative reasons. He's simply not as popular, due to the fact he was only in Panic! during the Vices era for a short time. He's underrated as FUCK. I'm one of the black sheep in a lot of places [except for friend groups], even in my own family, so it explains why I stan Brent still.

I just want to say that selling drugs and doing drugs aren't inherently bad things to do. This doesn't mean that I'm for kids doing drugs and selling them. Absolutely not. I want people who do drugs or sell drugs to be treated like human beings. I also want them to be able to seek help easier without the judgment or being treated like a criminal. Personally, I don't do any of that, but I understand why someone would. (This kind of thing hits home for me.)

As far as the whole weapon thing is concerned (it was a gun), I personally don't like them and we need better gun control in the United States. I don't think I'd trust anyone who owns a gun because of the possibility that they would hurt me or worse in an argument or something. I've seen my abuser threaten to pull a gun out on my dad when I was a kid. Thankfully it wasn't loaded, but still. It was scary. I wouldn't own a gun because I'm autistic, mentally ill, and I'm afraid of what I might do in certain situations. If someone wants to own a gun for protection, hunting, target practice, or to collect them, fine. BUT YOU DON'T NEED A HUGE ASS GUN THAT THE MILITARY USES TO GO HUNTING OR FOR TARGET PRACTICE. I don't like them, I don't want one, I don't trust myself with one, guns scare me, and I want better gun control in the United States. It terrifies me that people openly carry. I understand that's the Second Amendment and all, but it doesn't change the fact that it terrifies me. As long as you're responsible with that kind of thing, I don't really care.

I don't know what Brent's reason was for (allegedly) owning a weapon (maybe for protection or something?), but it's none of my business.

In my opinion, this is all stupid shit. There are people who have done horrible things and they're STILL free people, but oh, god forbid you do or sell drugs! THAT'S bad. /s

Here's my response below. I'll type out everything, except for the disclaimers and what he was arrested for. I will start from the fifth paragraph on the first screenshot and continue from there. This is so anyone who has a hard time reading any of the screenshots can read them easier.

(My response was from around the time it was announced that he was arrested. Just so you know.)

First screenshot, fifth paragraph:

First off, I just want to say that this situation is a fucked up one for anyone to be in. I would never wish this on anyone. Especially because now, there's a baby involved, so this makes the situation worse. This is pretty difficult for me to put into words without coming off as bitchy or anything like that, so if I get bitchy here, I apologize.

Second screenshot, fifth paragraph:

I don't know what caused this mess to begin with, but I do know that Brent and his wife Taylor just had a baby a couple months ago (when I was typing this out initially). While it's a good thing for them, it can be assumed that this is also a very stressful time for them.

Combination of third and fourth screenshots (These are pretty much only theories; not facts, and they will be broken up into paragraphs): 

The pandemic most likely isn’t helping their case. Las Vegas is a HUGE city and I’m sure A LOT of people there are REALLY struggling right now in all aspects. Maybe Brent and Taylor are struggling to pay off hospital bills or whatever (to put this into perspective, the average cost for hospital childbirth in Nevada is around $21,239, according to CBS News). The average salary for an accountant in Nevada is anywhere from $34k to $150k, and that all depends on education, experience (how long you’ve been in said career), certifications, and any additional skills. Take into account any other necessities they have to pay for, like their mortgage, bills, insurance, etc. 

Let’s say that they did manage to pay everything else off, but they’re struggling to pay the hospital bills from when they had their baby. (Having a baby is fucking expensive in the United States, regardless of whether there are complications or not, and regardless of whether you have insurance or not.) Let’s say they’ve tried every single option out there, but nothing seems to give still. Maybe the drug selling was a last resort on Brent’s part. (As I’ve said, I don’t know the full story.)

The whole subject of drug paraphernalia hits home for me. My parents both did drugs when I was a kid. I’ve seen it a lot growing up. My dad was, in the past, in and out of jail for drugs and other things that aren’t relevant here. I’m not sure if my mom was in and out of jail for the same shit, but I know for a fact my dad was. Y’know, because he told me. ANYWAYS. 

I get it. You gotta do what you gotta do. It’s not something I’d do personally, but I understand why somebody would do it. I wouldn’t treat them any differently. Maybe they’re selling drugs or whatever to keep themselves from losing their homes, put food on the table for their families, help pay their bills, pay for their education, whatever. It could be a number of things.

Fifth screenshot (people’s reactions to the news and my thoughts on them):

Now...let’s move on to how people are reacting to the news. There’s a lot of mixed reactions. A lot of people feel bad for Brent, especially since he and Taylor just had a baby a couple months ago (as I was typing this). Some people “aren’t surprised” because they were never fans of him in the first place. Others think this is amusing. I’ve seen some people who are solely involved in celebrity news (similar to TMZ) making jokes about the situation, which to me, is appalling.

Let me tell you something. It doesn’t matter if you’re a fan of Brent or not. This shit isn’t funny or cute in the slightest. It sure isn’t funny or cute to anyone who is being affected by the situation, which includes Brent himself, Taylor, their son, and all their loved ones. Like, full stop. Have some decency. Y’all are fucking gross. You can dislike Brent all you want, but he’s a real human being who fucked up. Personally, when I first heard the news, I couldn’t believe it at first. I thought I was having a fever dream. That is, until I looked it up and actually found that it was true. I was CRUSHED. Why? Because Brent is one of the last people I’d even expect to get into this whole mess. 

Sixth screenshot (my thoughts):

If I’m being honest here...like, BRUTALLY honest, Brent needs to be put in REHAB, not jail. For anyone who has been here (on my Instagram) from when I used to dedicate this account to vintage Panic!, you know how I’ve never said anything but kind things about Brent. From the few times I’ve interacted with him a little bit on Twitter and from how I’ve seen him interact with others on the site, Brent is one of the sweetest people ever. I’m being genuine here. He’s a good guy who fucked up and did some dumb shit. Does that make him bad? No. Then again, as far as I’ve read about the current situation at hand, it’s too early to really determine anything. None of us know what caused him to have drug paraphernalia or anything else that he was arrested for in the first place.

Seventh screenshot (wrap-up):

I’m gonna wrap this up here. My heart aches for Brent, Taylor, their son, and all their loved ones. I hope that everything gets straightened out, all sides of the story come out, and that Brent can get his shit together again. Like he had been doing since he was kicked out of Panic!. I wish everyone involved nothing but the absolute best right now, given how fucked up the whole situation is. (Just to clear up any confusion, when I was referring to Taylor, I’m NOT referring to Taylor Swift or any other celebrity with the name Taylor. I’m referring to Brent’s wife.) 

If you’ve read this far, thank you! If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I’ll try to answer as best as I can.

Have my thoughts on the situation changed since February - March of this year? No.

I think that Brent needs some kind of help. That's why I mentioned rehab. It's obvious to me that's the kind of help he needs. I don't believe jail is helpful in certain circumstances (like drug charges, traffic violations, and other nonviolent crimes)....at least in the United States. They treat people who do drugs and/or sell drugs like they're subhuman. Yet there are people who have committed violent, deplorable, horrific crimes, and they're still free people. Funny how that works. I'm not too educated about how the jail system works in other countries, so I can't exactly tell you how I feel about that system on an international standpoint.

Brent should be with his wife and child. I hope the guy gets his shit together again. I believe Brent WILL get his shit together. Genuinely. I would never wish anything bad on him.

I don't crucify Brent like a lot of people in the Panic! fandom do. The only reason I would hypothetically do so is if Brent actually committed violent, deplorable, horrific crimes (i.e., chomo bullshit, trafficking...like, extreme shit) that would warrant him being locked up and I'd drop him completely at that point. OBVIOUSLY I DON'T SEE HIM DOING ANYTHING LIKE THAT. EVER. THAT'S JUST HYPOTHETICAL.

Anyways....have a good day, y'all.

[vdragon-creations]

My OC Danganronpa Class

What up!

You’d think that after i did this shit for the MHA fandom, I would not do this shit to myself again! But you would be wrong! Oh so wrong, as I am an artist that likes to put myself through pain! An Artistic Masochist if you will!

Anyhow. Just like I did when I made my OC’s for the MHA Fandom, I may as well do so for the Danganronpa Fandom too! What could go wrong? Right? 

My Class of Danganronpa OC’s are made up of 16 Characters! (My Main OC included!) And here’s a list of their talents, gender, personality, and maybe a brief description of them (If I’ve come up with a look for them in my head yet!) I wanted to be as unique with this group as possible when it comes to talent sets, but I also like clichés and tropes and think theirs nothing wrong with them as long as they’re used well and in an interesting fashion! None of these OC’s have names yet, and again grammar is non existent here! So with that out of the way, Let’s begin!

Highschool Level Ultimate: Cosmetologist- Name: N/A Gender: Male (Was born Female) Personality: He is someone who looks for the beauty in all people, be it cosmetic or otherwise! He wants to use his talent to make others feel happy and comfortable in their own skin, to bring out that inner beauty! He himself had to struggle for many years to feel comfortable with who he was, and through his love for the cosmetic arts, he was able to do that! He’s a very confident individual, and becomes very upset when someone starts to become self-deprecating or he sees someone putting down others! He’s not ashamed of himself at all, and will become quite serious when someone puts two and two together when they find out he’s trans. A kind of “Yeah, that’s right! What of it?” attitude. He can be very eccentric and poetic when talking about the things he loves, this includes people!

Highschool Level Ultimate: Match Maker- Name: N/A Gender: Male Personality: If you took a Multi Shipper and mixed them with a flaming pervert, then you’d have this guy! Despite him being a absolute god when it comes to finding love for others, his own love life leaves much to be desired. As such, he’s always ALWAYS hitting on the girls he speaks too! Even the one’s he’s helping to find love! He’s a horndog, but one can’t deny the man’s talent at finding love for others! He has a nearly 98% Success rate when it comes to his pairings, and a little over half of those end with the pair getting married or being together of many years! He’s very perceptive and is a master at reading body language, which gives him an advantage when choosing partners for others! Deep within that perverted exterior he puts on though, is a genuinely sweet guy who cares for the happiness of those around him! Why would he do what he does otherwise!?

Highschool Level Ultimate: Tattoo Artist- Name: N/A Gender: Female Personality: At first glance, she doesn’t seem like much more then your average Gunge Goth Chick with a thing for looking tired and and just over it. But that the opposite of what she’s actually like, sure she still speaks in a mostly tired and deadpan voice, but she a pretty warm person! She friendly to most everyone she meets, her first question usually being something along the lines of “Yo! Got any Tats?”. She very interested in seeing the tattoos of others and learning their story through them! She’s very gifted at her craft, All of her clients being 100% satisfied with the tattoo’s she makes! When listening to what they want, she’s says it’s almost like she can see their memories as her own, and is able to create exactly what they want! She’s always very chill, and it’s hard to piss her off, but if you hurt a friend of hers, oh! You’re gunna be getting a very unpleasant tattoo from her! The only other thing she can’t stand is when someone mocks another's tattoo. That’s someone’s story and feeling’s put into visual form, and thus she’s very protective of that! She also really hates the term “Tramp Stamp”! Description: She’s a very short and petite young lady who’s always wearing a hoody with the hood over her head. Her hair is platinum blonde and wavy, it always sticking out of the hood on the sides of her face. She has Steel Blue eyes that have very dark rings around them, a mixture of heavy eyeliner and just lack of sleeps. She’s wearing ripped jeans most of the time and sneakers and most of the time, has a lollipop, toothpick, or cigarette in her mouth.

Highschool Level Ultimate: Radio DJ- Name: N/A Gender: Male Personality: Loud! Very Loud! That’s the first impression he gives everyone! And it couldn’t be more accurate! This dude is a party animal! A love for all things music! He’s constantly listening to all the latest hits from all types of music, and loves all of it! One would never guess though that this crazy fellow also has a more chill side! But if you listen to Station 75.9 after 10 P.M. you’ll notice that this guy has quite a calming voice! At night, he runs a late talk show from his dorm at Hope’s Peak for the student body! He plays soft music like Jazz or Classical during this time for those who have a hard time sleeping or just need something going on in the background while they study for the next big test! He also brings in guests like fellow classmates, members of staff, or those that work close with them to be on his late show to answer any questions that the other students can call in and ask on air! He believes that all things can be bettered by the power of music, and wants to do that for the whole world!

Highschool Level Ultimate: Journalist- Name: N/A Gender: Female Personality: This young lady has some serious guts! With a passion for the truth and the wit to get the best stories for the student body of Hope’s Peak! She wants so badly to be a reporter and will do the best damn job she can! She’s the first one on the scene to anything happening on campus, and no one is safe from her detective like eyes! She can be a bit accusatory at times and seems to get a little too worked up over her job, which can make her come off as bossy or insensitive. She flustered easily by things that confuse her! Mostly that’s things like Machines or Men! Which is way she mostly writes everything down by hand and mainly only talks to ladies, and when she has to talk to guys, she tends to try and get to the point quickly to avoid a long conversation. This is why she always has her classmate with her to help with these kinds of situations!

Highschool Level Ultimate: Assistant- Name: Naya Yuno (Called Ladybug by most of her classmates and close friends!) Gender: Female Personality: Think of the shyest person you know, and times that by a million! She incredibly nervous around others, especially men! This is due to her unfortunate talent! This girl can be told to do or help with just about anything, and she will do it flawlessly without much protest. Now, this has cause several problems for her with being taken advantage of by a good amount of people in the past, her parents included. She she has a general distrust in most people, causing her rampant shyness. But, she still want to be useful and do good things to help others! So she mainly fallows her classmate, the Ultimate Journalist around. She helps her with interviews despite her shyness, as due to her talent and her orders, she HAS to obey. And if she has to be alone to complete a task, she puts in ear plugs to keep herself from being told to do anything else. But despite her orders, there’s one particular little Hall Monitor that no matter what, if she’s asked to speak too, she freezes and can’t speak too with out turning into a blushing flustered mess. Description: She’s a short girl with a rather nice figure! She’s got a strong pair of legs, as she’s always running in halls back and forth to complete her tasks quickly without interruption. She has long black hair held in a low hanging ponytail, tied with a white fluffy ball-like tie, and pair of Golden Brown eyes. She’s always seen wearing a modified School uniform with a noticeably longer skirt then the other girls and a pair of glasses.

Highschool Level Ultimate: Cheerleader- Name: N/A Gender: Male Personality: If you turned a Golden Retriever Puppy into a human being, you’d have this guy! A literal ball of sunshine and all that is good in this world! This dude kicks ass at gymnastics, Dancing, and singing! Kinda important when  you’re a cheerleader! He grew up with his older sister who is a very Famous and talented Cheerleader for a Sports team. He loved seeing her dance and put smiles on everyone’s faces, getting everyone so hyped! And he wanted to be just like her! Only problem...he was a guy, and guys aren’t supposed to do girly things...right? His sister wasn’t having it! she told him how in other parts of the world, male cheerleading is absolutely a thing, and that it didn’t matter what others thought1 He should just be himself, and have fun! So that’s what her did! He’s a very hard worker and is all about putting a spring in people’s steps! He gets upset if someone bashes him for his interest and will take none too kindly to those who mock him! It just pushes him to do more! 

Highschool Level Ultimate: Empath (Main OC)- Name: N/A Gender: Female Personality: This woman is like an saint! She’s kind, Patient, Caring, and always going out of her way to help others when needed! She’s only firm when she needs to get the job done, but she’s always doing so with a smile! However, don’t push it, cause even though she looks like a pushover, She’s got a will of iron and a smack that can make even the toughest of men tear up a little. And she’ll deliver the blow with that same smile! She hardly get’s any sleep, as she’s always in a state of unrest! So despite her chipper look, she’s actually pretty tired. And who could blame her? Her talent not only makes her deal with the emotions of others round her, but her own anxieties too! She avoids touching people at all coasts, as part of her talent allows her to feel exactly what the other person does just by being around them, but if she touches them, the feeling is increased and can lead to her having nervous breakdowns or even going into shock. She has to e super relaxed in order for this not to happen, but seeing how she’s always on the move, that’s just never really possible. She has a bit of a wild side too! As she used to have a BF before Hope’s Peak who was a biker! She love to dance, sing, drink, and just generally have a bombass time. However, after his death, and her starting work and schooling, she just....didn’t have the time or heart to have that kind of fun again! Sometimes she’ll have a slip up, like letting out a cheer when something great happens, Gushing over her peers, or even a little playful flirting here and there with a certain Fortune Teller.

Highschool Level Ultimate: Farmer- Name: N/A Gender: Male Personality: He’s the classes big bear man! He’s a gentle giant with a heart of gold! He works hard, cares for his friends, and wants nothing but the best for those around him! Being a farmer, he knows everything about plants, Livestock, the earth, and how to take care of it! He acts like a big brother for his class as he is quite wise for his age! He’s the first one to put an end to an argument by trying to get everyone to relax and just talk out there differences! He hates violence, and don’t take too kindly to people wanting to hurt his friends! He’s pretty intimidating when he get’s angry, and that’s normally enough to keep folks who might try to cause trouble away. Description: He’s quite a tall and big looking guy! He’s got short light brown hair that’s messed up, and thick hair that pokes out of the top of the flannel shirt he wears and that grows along his forearms. He wears dirty overalls and a pair of large steal toed boots. He had a large straw hat as well but only puts it on while he’s working, most of the time it’s just hanging off of his neck on his back. He’s got a bit of stubble on his chin too!

Highschool Level Ultimate: Pilot- Name: N/A Gender: Male Personality: He’s quite a perky young man! But only when he works on his plane or flying! Most of the time, he looks tired or miserable. Needless to say he hates having his feet on the ground! He’s often daydreaming about flying or just laying in the grass just staring into the clouds. He’s friendly for the most part, but unless you talk to him about something related to flying, odds are he won’t pay much attention to you! Flying just seems to be the only thing that helps him focus on....well, pretty much anything. Despite his lack of attention to most things though, he’s VERY smart! Not only is he a pretty skilled mechanic, but the dude is quite the Linguist! The guy knows Japanese, English, Spanish, German, Russian, and Italian! The only reason his classmates know this about him, is because he starts talking in another language when he starts getting bored in a conversation. He might seem distant to most of his classmates, or anyone really, but he does have a love for people, it’s just hard for him to focus on them, when there is a big old sky just out their waiting to be explored!

Highschool Level Ultimate: Hypnotist- Name: N/A Gender: Male Personality: It’s a little hard to say much about his personality when the man refuses to talk unless he’s using his talent! According to him, his voice is hypnotic to all who hear it, so he refrains from speaking. He’s a mysterious fellow that’s for sure! Apparently, he’s even so good at what he does that not even he is immune to his own talent, o much so that he keep a blindfold over his eyes at all time, so that when he uses his pendulum, he doesn’t enter into a trance as well! He’s quite helpful though, as if his classmates ever need to relax or need a nap and can’t sleep, he’ll gladly use his talent on them! He’s also capable of brainwashing people doing this, however he himself refuses to use it to make someone do something that would cause them harm or humiliate them!

Highschool Level Ultimate: Fisherman- Name: N/A Gender: Male Personality: This dude is an....odd one to say the least. He’s always telling stories about Ghosts, Monsters, Alien, and other stuff that he claims to have seen while out on the water! He’s a hugely superstitious person and is quite gullible, but the guy means well! He’s very knowledgeable when it comes to many forms of aquatic life and even has a pet Axolotl, that he claims to have saved it from being eaten by a Bigfoot while on one of his fishing trips! He’s likes to give “Good Luck” charms to his classmates anytime they’re about to do something stressful. They humor him and take the charms, just so his feelings aren’t hurt, the poor guy is just trying to help after all!

Highschool Level Ultimate: Comedian- Name: Autumn Miwa Gender: Female Personality: A ball of literal joy and sunshine! It’s nearly unheard of to see this girl sad or angry! She’s The Ultimate Comedian after all, and laughter and smiles are her MO! Pranks, Standup, Skits, Silly Outfits, Dancing, Jokes, Tickle Fights, Impersonations, Songs! You name it, this girl will do it to make someone laugh or crack a smile! She’s always the first to want to cheer someone up who looks like they’re not feeling so hot. She loves the sound of laughs an cheers and she gets all giggly herself when someone else is happy too! He favorite people to make smile, are the ones who always seem a bit shy or who don’t talk often, hearing those people snicker or giggle is enough to make her so energized that she could power an entire city for weeks! This said, she does know her place, when a situation arises that needs to be handled delicately, she’s more then willing to set aside her need to make the person smile in favor of just being there to comfort and hold them! This girl loves PDA, and has no problem with hugging or holding hands with some stranger! She especially loves it when they get they get a little sheepish about it, she thinks it’s adorable! There’s actually a sweet little Robocutie that she loves going in for sneak attack hugs and tickles, he always has the best reactions! However, deep down underneath this happiness, this poor girl is hiding quite the shocking secret. She suffers from a incurable and life threatening illness that will most likely kill her before the end of her late 40's. So, for now, she just wants others to enjoy her company and remember her as she is now! It's better that way!

Highschool Level Ultimate: Seamstress- Name: N/A Gender: Female Personality: Basically everyone’s idea of a grandmother in the form of a sweet young girl! She very gentle and kind, and has a need to make everyone around her comfortable! Warm clothes, Soft Blankets, Cute Plushies! She makes it all! She also makes warm cookies, though that has less to do with her talent and more to do with her general love for sweets! Though, as sweet as she is, she is also quite clever and tactful, and isn’t above a little bit of blackmail to get people to do what she wants. This is only done to people she may not care much for of course!  She LOVES AESTHETICES!!!! She has a mood board, one for each of her classmates that she always references from when making them something!

Highschool Level Ultimate: Actor- Name: N/A Gender: Male Personality: This guy is as dramatic as they come! He’s quite the overreactor, and tends to get super emotional over the smallest things, good or bad! For example, he once openly “proposed” to a girl in the middle of the Dining Hall, just because she was kind enough to let him have the last Dinner Roll that was left at the buffet table. And the other time he started acting like he would be raining fire and brimstone on a guy just because he accidently clipped him on the shoulder while trying to walk past him! He can be really exhausting to be around but is kind enough! Though, he does have a bad habit of accidently insulting others while trying to give compliments. Most of the time, he can be found practicing his parts for plays and movies alone in the gym. He adores dramas and tragedies most of all, even though he is more then capable of doing over forms of acting. This guy is a master at reading people, which is what makes him so good of an actor, he can sense deception from a mile away! So he’s a pretty hard person to fool!

Highschool Level Ultimate: Meteorologist- Name: N/A Gender: Female Personality: A small chucky lady who’s a sweet as candy! She’s a super smart young lady who loves the weather! She spends a lot of her free time collecting weather data and helping the folks in the greenhouse and gardens by giving them her findings so they can better their crops and protect them if needed. She has a fondness for rainy weather, but more so if it’s still sunny out while it’s raining! I has a huge obsession with Rainbows and Tornados, in fact one of her biggest dreams in life is to go on a real Storm Chase one day! Truly an adventurous young lady!