#i did end up googling stuff to make sure i wasnt remembering this wrong but still dont take this as absolute fact because not an expert

[juhbebbie]

I am just thinking about how every moon knight writer ever has severely missed out on the opportunity to bring in hathor/sekhmet in some kinda way

like in the show when hathor's avatar was there I was kinda like 👀 but it didn't go anywhere which is fine it wasn't the place for it

but okok just hear me out!!!

so there's the obvious connection of the fact that sekhmet is actually the goddess of vengeance, not khonshu (obviously things are different depending on time era/region because this is ancient mythology and there were often nultiple gods for the same thing but moving on)

but there's also literally the entire thing where hathor ends up becoming sekhmet and takes out Ra's revenge on humans

the abridged version of the myth off the top of my head is as follows: humans stop worshiping ra as much and so like any good diety he gets mad at this and has hathor go out and punish the offending humans

well this is all well and good until she kinda gets addicted to blood and killing and eventually ra is like "dude i think you got em holy shit chill out"

this does not work and eventually hathor, originally the cow headed goddess of rebirth and happiness and cool stuff like that, becomes sekhmet, lion goddess of vengeance and pretty much wipes people out reguardless of their loyalty to the gods

eventually Ra tricks her and gets her drunk off her mind by disguising a ton of beer or something as a pool of blood and sekhmet of course can't resist it and drinks that shit up until she passes tf out

what follows is different depending on which version of the myth since, once again, everything is iffy but basically sekhmet/hathor redeems herself and goes back to being nice and cool, except that sekhmet is always a part of her from now on and comes out when she's needed. and sekhmet isn't even always bad!! sometimes she's depicted as a warrior goddess or protector of Pharoahs!

sound familiar??????

im just saying her story of a fall from grace to violence and causing pain (in which she was pushed toward by higher god) and then redemption and even acceptance lines up very well with the character of Marc Spector, even putting aside the obvious parallels of the relationship between hathor and sekmet and Marc and his alters.

khonshu turning marc into the fist of vengeance and ra getting sekhmet to punish people for him, but the difference being that ra wanted sekhmet to stop while khonshu just keeps pushing marc further and further until he's unrecognizable to himself, but still grapples constantly with the shame he feels as a result

maybe its just me but if I saw that in a comic run or something I would eat that shit up

[airanahhbvhh]

An old google doc of my first impressions of animorphs books 1-27 :)

Rating all the Animorphs books (because i am secretly the biggest loser on the planet) *

1 - 7/10 - good start, I don't remember this one honestly

2 - 5/10 - this is the one where Rachel sneaks into Chapman’s house as a cat and we get that cool Melissa Chapman moment

3 - 8/10 - Tobias grapples with losing his humanity and comes out the other end of it deciding that he is neither entirely bird or boy (made me lowkey ship tobias and rachel) good first kinda deep resonant theme in the story

4 - 6/10 - Don’t really remember this one that well but they find Ax who is super fucking rad

5 - 6/10 - Does the entire cast deal with nightmares? The Kids get dismembered and traumatized as ants in pursuit of getting a spaceship for Ax. They get captured until internal politicking between Visser 1 and 3 get them out of it. Marco discovers his mom’s Visser 1 which sets up his character development for later, which is cool

6 - 7/10 - This one’s more about Jake handling Tom’s yeerk stuff, he gets a yeerk stuck in his head which was pretty cool, really liked seeing the actual psychology of the yeerks and how the one in his head slowly lost hope (You also think wow Tom is probably really miserable in his current situation, really puts it into perspective)

7 - 5/10 - big worldbuilding stuff, but I wasn’t a huge fan of the book; the Elemist offers them the opportunity to escape to a new planet and shows them the future, Rachel’s divorced parents drama, boring

8 - 10/10 - On an Animorphs scale immaculate and perfect in every way. Due to Andalite law, Ax doesn’t share everything with the Animorphs and this causes CHARACTER CONFLICT, my favorite thing, there's also a confrontation where everyone’s like Ax you need to tell us more, you get scenes of Ax learning about the human world which I love and it’s just the best (also a cool meeting with other andalites and he tells them about Seerow’s Kindness) (There's also an emotional throughline where Ax struggles with his responsibilities to his species and coming to terms with the way his culture contributes/ed to suffering with their inaction) (so incredibly pog)

9 - 6.5/10 - Cassie kills a termite queen which gives her an identity crisis, and she and Jake talk about the circle of life and whether or not they should abide by it (For some reason I can’t remember the Cassie books that well)

10 - 9/10 - Holy shit the cover to this one is so fucking funny, And actually a really good story Erek had to kill people and live with the memory forever because he’s a robot (and Marco’s all like “I was already forgetting as I went to sleep”) (smh flexing his human short term memory) Really fucking good

11 - 3.5/10 - Garbage, my least favorite so far, this is the time traveling rain forest one (good things never happen when you invoke time travel), boring tbh {in hindsight it wasnt that bad}

12 - 4/10 - Pretty boring, Rachel just has to do stuff with that Justin Bieber guy while dealing with what's the equivalent of genetic hiccups (his name is Jeremy Jason McCole)

13 - 7/10 - Not bad at all, this is the one where they save a pair of Hork Bajir and the Elemist kinda fucks with Tobias (Tobias gets the chance to actually have a normal life and doesn’t take it) (I wonder what Marco would do?) (Also not surprising he didn’t, Tobias has a crappy homelife and for some reason is willing to sacrifice a lot)

14 - 4/10 - Now this is boring, the area 61 one, totally skippable

15 - 8/10 - Marco is really struggling with being afraid of being a shark, feels ashamed of being scared. The one with the mentally enhanced hammerheads (Really cool how he and Rachel had that moment together where she told him she saw a submarine so that he wouldn’t think his mom died) (Also why can’t people pity him?, i don’t understand) Overall pretty good (Also I think something might come up in regards to him being suceptible to his transformations, cause he seems like more so than the other animorphs)

16 - 9/10 - The first Jake book that I really liked, good character conflict between him and Cassie (she kinda a hypocrite doe for asking him to end Fenestre’s life) (Yo did Jake burn down his house?) (At what point are human lives worth less than making small amounts of progress in the war?) (they’re actually a pretty good couple) It is pretty intense to see him grapple with making the wrong choice as the leader :0

17 - 8/10 - Very insensitive to the mentally ill, like egregiously so (wtf rachel?) Rachel brushing up against always feeling like she has to be the tough one (Marco’s great for copping to the fact and proudly admitting that he’s afraid) The one with the addictive oatmeal in the Kandrona (ok kinda based lesson at the end about respecting the mentally ill and homeless but still kinda soured by the way they talk about the mentally ill) (Jake is also a hypocrite he’ll do the oatmeal things for other people but he won't do it to his brother)

18 - 9/10 - Once again incredibly pog, Ax is struggling with his identity as a friend of the humans and an Andalite. He trusts the Andalite group when he shouldn’t and his friends get mad at him for casting them out (btw this book starts with Ax raiding a Cinnabon which is just so charming) They go and do space war on the Leeran planet which sounds pretty (There is again a meetup where everyone gets mad at Ax for siding with the Andalites [ which I love btw]) More character development for Ax yay

19 - 10/10 - Best Cassie book. Holy shit, so great I loved her discussions with the yeerk and then it went in her head and all her friends mourned like holy shit this was so good. The conflict in the story was way more interesting than the Average animorph story too. (Cassie is like super wrong about whether or not she should leave the team, but like the story made me have an opinion, like what?) (Super nice part about the value of those who arent like mindlessly logical and the necessity of people who arent entirely utilitarian for creating a better world after the war is over) Like Cassie needs to continue to fight in order to maintain her morally righteous position) but there's something to be said about the loss of humanity and kindness that this war takes away from these actual children. I don’t fault Cassie at all for wanting to leave. Also the Yeerks have an ideology. Kinda? Also I love the Karen Yeerk, her redemption was actually really well paced and actually didn’t come out of nowhere (unlike other pieces of media). (Seriously amazing, this book made me like Cassie)

20-22 - 10/10 - rated individually I might give the first two books 8’s and the third a 10 but I'm doing them all together cause they're a three part series. David is such a prick oh my god. I think though the best part of the story was what happened with Rachel realizing what this war is doing to her mentally and not entirely being ok with it. And oh my god that ending, it feels like it shouldn't have to be that way (fucking hell David) but there really wasn't another way out of it, David's just too much of a liability. And Rachel STAYING AND WATCHING as his life is destroyed is honestly so dark. (Cassie has really strong emotional intelligence, I guess, to create that plan) The ending and Rachel's growth really make these books for me.

23 - 7/10 - pretty good. This is the one where Visser 3 tries to impersonate Aria and reveals Tobias’ dad to him. I guess that's why he felt connected to Elfangor. In this one Tobias is still struggling with the duality of being both human and hawk. He vows to kill and regret.

24 - 6/10 - The Helmacron one. Found it pretty boring but the Hemacrons kinda made up for it. Liked their unquenchable thirst for conquest and suicidal bravery (kinda aspirational how delusional they were) (Also kinda funny how Visser 3 was put off by being shrunk down)

25 - 7/10 -The Arctic Adventures one. Also the one where Marco gets a date. They were pretty miserable there with the constant old and endless running. They also had to eat a seal corpse. (Marco said something like he felt he deserved the scratches of the baby seals for eating their mom, really sad) Marco’s conclusion was kinda just put the traumatizing mission out of your head, and also Marian doesn’t want to date you anymore. Not the greatest book for Marco.

26 - 6/10 - The Howler-Iskoort one. Pretty good, I liked the Howlers collective consciousness and how they were all children who didn’t know about what they were doing to others. Jake has more trauma now yaaaay…. (Cassie and jake kiss in this one) (not sure how they transferred those memories but that's my fault ig)

27 - 7/10 - I am so incredibly concerned for Rachel. **

* (honestly maybe not that secretly)

**This is the one where the Drode sees Rachel’s penchant for violence and offers her the opportunity to betray Jake. She does not tell him about it. Almost attacked Cassie in squid form. Also still really reckless. Still loves fighting. Seriously, I'm concerned.

[yuvon-writes-letters]

To, Yu

Okay, I was gone, and the moment I came back, i [The sentence randomly stops]

I’m, not upset at the fact you lied, i actually had an inkling for awhile now while you were describing the rooms for the first time, it looked like you wanted to continue, but stopped yourself at the last second. I understand why you lied, seeing all of those things must’ve been hard, but Lis and I can’t help you if we don’t know anything, ok Yu?

It sounds like, you found ways out, but both are, not good for you? I don’t know, my brain’s all fuzzy and I can’t comprehend words right, maybe I’m getting something wrong.

My point is, when you build up the guts to, please please please explain to us, or at least me, on what’s in that North room, I don’t care if it’s bad we need to know everything we can about the realm so [The sentence stops again]

Sorry, I’m just, kind of on the edge. Of course you don’t have to tell me now, but

If, it’s not intruding on personal space, what the hell happened between you and Jake? I’m assuming that Jake lied about something, but I don’t think we would do any good if there’s bad blood between the two of you. I sent my Jake the letters too, and he agrees as well.

We’re both worried about you, so, don’t hide anything, alright? [The rest of the text is blacked out]

Rai and Jake

|Hello, real person behind Rai here, I wanted to clarify some things because I don’t think I made it clear before (I’m sorry about that). Rai is a complete OC, their not a self-insert at all, and they have their own life completely separate from mine. Although it is true that I’ll be busy on July and won’t write letters frequently, I wanted to give an in-character Roleplay reason as to why Rai is not as active as the first few letters, hence the panicking at the last letter.

I, the real person, am completely alright, Rai, is not, not at all :)|

Rai,

Thanks for understanding. I'll try to hide as little as I can from now on.

What I think are the two ways out are sitting still and looking pretty, which I despise the concept of, and killing the MWAF by paying an even price, which I hate the idea of even more. (Blacked out) I checked out the altar room a little more, and the phrase "An eye for an eye" (or something approximate because Google Translate) was on the back of the altar in Greek. Jake helped me translate it before we argued.

Mixing mythologies yet again. So far we've got Egyptian, Greek, and... Biblical? I think that's from the Bible. Sue me, it's been a while since I took World Religions.

Actually... no. I guess it hasn't. It just feels longer than it actually was.

I'll try to be a little more specific about what's in the north room. It's not... quite as bad as I made it out to be before, but I was already freaking out and in a bad headspace from remembering the freaky stuff, and I blew it a little out of proportion. I'm not sure how I'd even explain what it really is, though.

It's something similar to a hologram, transparent enough that you can see the trees through it. There's some text in white that doesn't seem to be addressed to me, implying that I'm stuck between the end of something and the beginning of another. Then there are a couple bars— five, to be exact —and two of them are filling with orange very slowly. The others are untouched so far. It's implied I'll be out of this place when all the bars fill up to full. I'm not sure this text was necessarily written by the entity, though. If it was, I think it'd address me a little more directly.

I don't think the argument Jake and I had is necessarily all that useful to the investigation, but since I'm trying to not keep secrets anymore, I'll say it regardless. The cause is tangentially related to the case, anyhow.

I asked him a little while ago whether he could find out if there was a missing person's out for me or not, so we could figure out the extent of the stasis. Then drama happened and I completely forgot all about it until two days ago. I asked him again then, and he sort of acted a little cagey while telling me that he was still in the process of investigating, and told me to wait another day. So I did. I don't think he expected me to remember, since I forget things all the time, but I don't forget things I'm really invested in and I REALLY wanted to know the answer to that question.

Jake made an excuse and went offline when I tried to ask again, which sort of made me think the worst. In hindsight, thinking that anyone who could've reported me missing was dead was pretty stupid, but you try being rational in the face of an unknown like that. In any case, I got anxious, and that sort of blew everything out of proportion, and then that made me more and more upset, and given all the other bullshit inherent in this place and the stress I've been through lately I just completely broke down. Had to sit down and put my head down so I was less likely to pass out from my hyperventilating. Luckily, I knew what was going on and I know breathing exercises, so it wasn't as bad as it could have been.

In any case, when I was back to being semi-functional, I unlocked my phone again, meaning to close out of the chat, but apparently my last few texts before I had to stop had managed to get across to Jake at least a portion of how freaked out I was. He probably figured it out based on all the typoes and the lack of punctuation or something, his "flaw" (if you can call it that) only seems to make him oblivious to tone and not to outright out of character writing styles.

So he finally told me that there wasn't a missing person's out for me, and not only that but everyone who might have put one out pretty much forgot I existed. He got my fucking parents to answer a "survey," and they only filled out that my half-sister existed, not me. Legal documents and stuff were still all in order, but literally the only people who seem to remember I fucking exist are the Duskwood crew and you and Lis and he had the nerve to tell me that he didnt want to tell me because it wasnt essential information and it would affect my judgement

Back now. I screamed abuse into the woods for a couple minutes, so I feel a bit better now.

I can see his point, logically, but for fuck's sake, there are some things that don't have much to do with the case that I do need to know regardless. This is one.

I'm not going to cut contact with him forever. To put it callously, neither of us can afford that. But if I talk to him now, I'm going to end up saying something or other I'll regret.

Right. Other topics.

Rai, are you doing alright? I know you've got personal issues going on, and I'm not trying to pry into them, but your writing is sort of disjointed and you mentioned being "fuzzy" and "not comprehending words right". Are you getting enough to drink and to sleep? I know weird shit happens to me when I get dehydrated. If you ever feel like you're about to pass out, sit down and put your head between your knees. If this continues, maybe you should see a doctor. Do you feel like your head is stuffed with cotton balls, at all? Any other symptoms?

Feel better :(

—Yu

(The letter tucks itself into the paper clip with the others.)

[iartlife]

Chapter Six

Pt. III

THE ROOK

Addie was up all night developing the cure. He didn't sleep much anyway. There was no subject to test it on but it should work. If not, the mastermind behind the curse isn't whom he thought it was. At this point all he could do was wait and see what happened.

Elli was still asleep when he got back. He thought it might be nice to make his guest breakfast since he kept her up later than he should have. Nothing was left around that might spoil during his long absences and the freezer was empty so he purchased a few groceries while in town to drop off the concoction he made.

He stared at the items he set on the counter, trying to remember how to cook meat for it to be considered edible by humans. But wasn't fish eaten raw by some anyway? He was pretty sure eggs had different rules as well. Maybe this was a bad idea.

Liam would know, hopefully he was awake. He called him.

"Hello?" He answered. Addie woke him, he could hear it in his voice.

"How long do you need to cook meat?"

"What? Uh, what kind?"

"Salmon."

"I don't know Unc, Google it."

"I left my computer at work."

"On your phone, genius."

"...It does that?"

"Yep. I'm going back to sleep now. Tchüss." Liam hung up.

Addie toyed with the device to figure out how to open the browser. It was fairly simple once he realized the little symbol for it was different than on the computer. He found a breakfast recipe for cooking the fish on the little machine and hummed a tune as he began the meal.

Learning new things was always a joy. He concluded it was a tiny computer that makes phone calls, not a phone calling device that can do other things as he originally thought. No wonder it was so expensive.

He wished she let him take a blood sample. He could do it while she was asleep...no, that's disrespectful. He shan't let his curiosity get the better of him, no matter how much he wanted to know why her magic wasn't consumed once she became a werewolf.

She seemed to have no control of it, though. He wondered if he could help her. She could be his apprentice. After their extended conversation last night he could tell she was definitely interesting enough to spend time with. She was so hungry for knowledge and didn't seem to be afraid of him. Everyone was at the very least uncomfortable around him; even Liam when he wasn't wearing the cursed charm. She even saw Addie's horrific face without screaming and running The first time they met. She did the opposite and chased him.

He was nearly done when Elli emerged from the back of the cabin. Her hair looked wild over her sleepy eyes. When she stopped at the end of the hall, her toes curled on the floor.

"What smells like fish?" She asked groggily.

"Breakfast." He replied, sprinkling cheese on top of the plates of food.

"Is that an omlette?"

"Yes."

"With fish?"

"Yes." He gestured to the table for her to sit.

She shuffled over. He pulled the chair out to seat her and placed her breakfast in front of her.

"What would you like to drink?"

Elli was staring at the food, then looked up at him to ask: "Do you have orange juice?"

"I have everything." He replied, setting a glass next to her plate. He dropped a small rune in the glass then poured water from the pitcher on the table into it. She watched in amazement as the water turned into her drink of choice as the little ricepaper dissolved.

"Is that magic?"

"Practical Alchemy, to be specific." He wrapped his hand around the glass and gave it a nice chill.

"Why is it practical?"

"Because I am not an alchemist, I used a rune."

"The little paper?"

"Correct."

Addie set his plate and tea across from her and sat.

"Would you teach me? I know the werewolf thing is an issue but you said I have magic anyway?"

"I will consider it. Though it would be helpful to know about your affinity first."

"You said you have stuff for that?"

"I do indeed. Perhaps we can check that after breakfast."

He watched Elli sniff her food.

"Its not bad, in my opinion, but my taste is different than most." He said in an attempt to reassure her.

She looked up at him. No verbal response but she did pick up her fork. He did the same and took a bite. This seemed to give her the courage to try hers. She chewed it for a long while but she didn't spit it out. That was promising.

"It's...good, actually. I wasnt sure what to expect, I guess." She smiled at him and they continued to eat.

Elli looked around, now fully awake. "Is this your home?"

"Yes it is."

"It's very clean." She eyed the hallway she emerged from. "Was I in your room?"

"My room is in the basement." Addie nodded to the door next to the hallway that most mistook as a pantry or closet.

She chewed and thought. He wanted to know what she was thinking. "Why?" She prodded.

He thought about not answering, changing the subject even. Addie wanted to learn more about her, not tell her about himself. She was studying him. Perhaps testing him as he was testing her. "Feels more like home." He finally said.

There was a long pause. "Huh." Was her response.

"What are you thinking about?"

Elli let his question hang in the air a moment. "You, you're weird."

"I'm aware." It helped him when someone said so actually, to gauge what was acceptable. What was appropriate talk about and do to go unnoticed. But Elli knew he wasn't human, he was talking to her like he would Liam.

He watched her poke at the remnants on her plate with a fork. Addie couldn't help but ask. "Was it cooked well enough?"

She looked at him. "Yeah, maybe a little overdone, but salmon is difficult like that."

"My apologies, I do not cook much anymore."

"It wasn't bad, I didn't mean-" She paused. "Anymore?"

She was definitely a curious one. "There was a time I had visitors rather frequently. Now I don't bother since it's just myself. Most of the time I just catch something and leave it in the freezer when I'm gone."

She grimaced. "You don't cook it?"

"It tastes much better raw."

Elli sipped her juice. "Have you had any cooked that you like?"

"I can usually stomach it. I have had it many times."

"Why don't you like it?"

"It tastes dull and usually dry."

"Alright, which is your favorite?"

"That's tough," he thought about all the flavors he had tried. "Probably human."

Elli froze. "Is that a joke?"

"I haven't had it in so long, perhaps I've had something better since and not realized it. Memory always tastes better than reality."

She hadn't moved. He should have lied, he should have said mountain lion or shark. Those were very tasty as well, and not uncomfortable for a human to think of eating. She looked frightened. He must have let his guard down from trying to be so honest with her. Stupid. He knew better.

"I uh- I should go." She slowly stood up.

"I have frightened you." Addie stood with her and bowed his head. He wanted to test her, not scare her away. He made a mistake.

"N- um, you ate...people. That's-"

"Wrong, unacceptable, monstrous." He finished for her, still looking down in shame. "I know that now, I did not at the time."

Elli stood there, unmoving. He dared to look up at her. She had a confused expression on her face, but the fear lingered in her eyes.

"It is not often I have the pleasure of conversation with someone else, I occasionally forget what is appropriate to say. Please forgive me."

He watched her gingerly walk over to the front door and slip on her boots. Addie followed her. He held her coat for her, much to her surprise judging by her face. "Shall I walk you back?"

She took a moment as she put her arms through the sleeves. "I think I need to be alone for a while."

"I understand." Addie opened the door for her.

Elli stopped about halfway outside and turned to him. "Thank you."

"You are very welcome, Miss Hughes."

She left.

He stood in the doorway for a while after she left. He desperately hoped she would return. She was so much like Hiram: smart, passionate, curious, full of life. He just ruined a great opportunity for...he didn't even know, they had known eachother for less than twenty-four hours. But she definitely had potential, now wasted because of him.

Time always brought him more interesting people and opportunities, there would be another. He wished it was more often, waiting was the hardest part.

But he wanted this one.

"Γαμημένο ηλίθιο." He swore. Addie slammed his head into the wall next to the door, cracking the stone jaggedly. He watched his blood fill the new crevices on its journey toward the floor. He would have to fix that later.

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MASTER

[lindasdailydiary]

WTF is wrong with my face?!

Hey boys and girls!

So why tf am I using this title? Because there has been something happening in my life, which ruined my life a bit. You know, when I was younger, I was spotless. From times to times, I got few annoying spots, I used some cream and it disappeared. M A G I C. Or no problema , life is easy, right. I didn't use make up at all, like, mascara and blush -cuz my mum said its awesome. RIIIIght..... I used make up, two years ago, cuz I was in London and theres no sun and It just suits me to be more tanned. So for the colour I used my mums recommended make up from Mac. I don't know the colour or anything, it was just - make up. I have this mascaras I get for xmas from my grandmother, she works as a AVON lady.  So every year I get one and I use it until I don't loose it or its super dry. I've been having NOPROBLEMA life with my skin, cleaned it though, just because I didn't wanna end using makeup cuz of my spotty skin, yeah covering it, making no sense covering it, cuz anyone can see it. It's like, when you're ugly, you can't make yourself pretty just by make up. Hey, they say it works, but not really. Not in straya, where you go to swim, or you sweat like a pig and all goes down or it just gets ruined by freakin rain.

But... something happened to me last year. I've noticed it after attending sickest festival SZIGET 2016/august. I've had those small red spots around my chin. I was like, oh shit, period stuff. I was like, no worries, its gonna be gone by the end of August . But , it wasnt really. It actually continued to grow. I am putting those images in here, so you see the reality of my sad life.(DOWN at the end.)

As you can see, those stupid little spots on my chin. And my skin looking quite okay everywhere. So literally I remember this, I called my mum and she told me I have the same as her, that this is : gluten free, lactose free, everything free diet she actually has, and its horrible, and this is no life for me and I will suffer so fucking badly. I was like, well, thanks. I did try to be healthy as possible. But bad influence and I am so badly influenced all the time... Yeah, didn't stop drinking wino at all, thats the worst, also beer, another bad thing. And I was sure, its her allergy. Its also histaminic allergy, so even worse. Like fuck sake, Karma!!!! I came home, went to this doctor, she is actually vet but she also specialises on human bodies, because of the parasites. All parasites you can get, I almost had all of them. My body was suffering. Badly. My heart, my liver, my kidneys were working pretty hard not to collapse. Fuck.... Yeah parasites... London.... and dogs mostly.. (I love dogs but they can be pain in the asses with all those parasites). Like everybody has parasites, you can't really get rid of them. But some people have more, some less. I had more. You have those colours on the screen when she was showing me my body , and black was the worst. Guess which one I had :D . BLACKIEST black ever. almost everywhere. So yeah I was like, thats it, if I fix my body, I fix my face. Not really. Ive had taken - anti parasites- tables, all natural. Very good if your stomach feels shit, and you feel shit and down. Its good to take it to be honest. So I started to take mums very bad hydrocortisone cream. THE.WORST.IDEA.EVER. I went to Asia. Flew there right. Like thousands of miles, obviously didn't make it better. I was like, I'm going to Australia, I'm gonna fix this fucking shiiiit, all will be good, and i'll be super happy again. So in Singapore, weather was super awesome, my skin wasnt really happy about it. It gone all red, and when I didn't use that magic cream, I had it all back, even worse. I so much believed its those parasites. So I went to Australia. Took the cream with me. Every time I forgot to put it, it was even worse obviously. Like, super trouper reddish, it gone from chin up to nose and , well I show you.

It's kinda disgusting, but what can I do? By the way, I don't edit any of my photo images, its just filters, which make it look great really. I don't even try to cover it up. It is what it is really. It fucks me up but if I can deal with it, I don't fucking care about anyone else. I was using BBcream as make up. But I stopped and haven't used it for few days. I can't anymore. Yesterday, I had loads of time, was sitting on a couch and was fucking pissed off, because my package from my mum with more anti parasites pills didn't arrive since February. So , I googled my shit. Found out I have perioral dermatitis. Perioral dermatitis is an inflammatory rash eruption involving the skin around the mouth. The rash may spread up to the nose or even the eyes. It usually appears as a scaly or bumpy rash around the lips. It can also sometimes weep clear fluid. Redness and slight itching and burning can also occur.

So since yesterday I've been reading blogs all over the internet. And found awesome things right. Like: -tetracycline pills

-metronidazole -cream or pills

-zinc oxide cream

-toothpaste without fluoride !!!!! very important

- and : ANTIFUNGAL cream - clotrimazole - which I am trying right now.

I think, it's anyways internal so I decided to have a month off: -sour cream

-Youghurt

- citrus fruits

-vinegar

-cinnamon

-hot sauces

-any sauces really

-spices

-GLUTEN

-chocolate- basically any sugar

-alcohol

-and only one coffee per day

I hope it helps and I keep you updated.

Me in september 2016

February 2017

March 2017 - with make up and good light

This cream I hope it helps

Me today so 24.3.2017

[heyitslapis]

Ok, so about my situation with Alex (warning, this is a looong read)

Wednesday night (or should I say 12am Thursday morning) I told her I was ready to talk. She said go for it, and i told her some stuff to start, like how her and Jacob’s relationship wasnt really any of my business, and she didnt have to go into any details about anything that she didnt want to. i told her what i remembered hearing about Jacob, and asked her if it was true. she explained that it was a lot more complicated than she let on. They both were going through some stuff when they met, and neither of them were right for each other at the time. It was a mutual thing. She said there was never anyone keeping the other on a tight leash, so to speak, and when i asked her if it was true that they worked everything out and that they were gonna be ok, she assured me that yes, everything would be fine. After that, i told her that i wrote something for her. It was a Google Doc of everything that i wanted to say, everything i wanted to explain on my end, and let her see what happened from my point of view, but since it was over 2,000 words, she didnt have to read it if she didnt want to. I also told her she could stop after “theres something else” if she wanted, because thats when it got to the point that i wasnt sure if i should leave in. She told me of course shes willing to read it, and i sent her the link.

In the document i explained that i was so upset because i never knew exactly how “bad” things were between them the first time, but that i had a picture painted of him as a bad guy. I explained that when i saw her run up and hug him friday night, even though id never seen him before, the fear cropped up that that was Jacob. i told her how i was shaking and when she introduced us i already decided that i hated his guts because of what i thought he was, and how i was confused and mad and hurt that she would go back to him. How that night i went home and bawled my eyes heart and soul out for 2 hours before deciding that i would distance myself from her until i could rationalize this. i wrote about how much it killed me working with her Saturday and having her act like nothing was wrong and still treating me that exact same cutesy way she always did, and how when my sister hosted a party after work, i didnt want to go if Alex was going. But of course the one time i dont want to socialize, by brother drags us there to help my sister move furniture. I told her how i was sort of ok until she showed up, then it hurt so much that i couldnt bare to have my attention anywhere but in my phone, and that i was practically praying for my brother to take us home. I told her how after we left, my brother said that we only left because she texted him saying that i looked like i needed to go home, and how i cried the whole way home because i felt so bad for it being that obvious that i needed to leave, and for being so rude and standoffish towards her that night when she still cared so much for me, even to offer buying me a chocolaty dessert bc i was cramping. i asked her to forgive me for some details i said that i wont go into, and said that i respect her for doing this for herself and no one else. 

I told her that most of why this whole thing had me this distraught is because as far as I knew, he had hurt her before, and now to see her willingly back at his side when he might hurt her again for who knows how much longer this time made me sick to my stomach. But then I told her the other reason why I was so upset was, admittedly, I'm jealous of him.

I said that i didnt want to tell her, because its cliche and dickish to wait until its too late to admit it, but that i think, or thought, that i loved her. for real loved. I told her that i didnt want her now, because its wrong to want for someone who is already in a relationship, but that i had the biggest, hardest, most thought and emotion consuming crush on her. That it was nothing i had ever felt for another human being before. I explained how I started to develop these feelings in November, and thats only because she snapped me saying that i looked nice (when i was wearing pjs and hadnt showered in days) and then that i was cute followed by two separate snaps of kissy faces, so i thought, surely she must like me and im not being silly. And how the thought that she liked me was too tantalizing to ignore. I confessed that i had felt myself start to develop feelings earlier in the year. How early, i wasnt sure, but that God did i try to stop myself from catching these feelings. That i repeated a mantra in my head for months that she didnt Like me, she just loved me as a friend, and that this is how a real friendship feels and that im being silly. 

But i laid it out there that Ive never had a friend call me cute, and so often. I've never had friends drunk-sing love songs to me through another person's snapchat. I've never had a friend snap me a picture of her watching some comedian and say “He’s talking about being in love with this girl. ❤ Love you.” I've never had a friend text me at 2:05 in the morning, unprovoked, just to say “Quick reminder that you’re my favorite and I love you!”, or kiss my face twice the night of our store’s Christmas party, or tell our key manager that only I can cuddle with her. And never have I ever had a friend literally 4 months after we meet tell me that if I got a tattoo, she’d get my initials tattooed on her, and then 9 months later get a tattoo permanently added to her body of a flower that I gave her because “she loves orchids and the people who give them to her”, and then a month after that tell me that every other time she looks at it she cries cause she loves it and says “I love you so much. ❤❤❤” (<- that was the actual chunk of words that i wrote in the Doc) 

I said that yes, I remember all of them. Because they made such an impact on my locked up little affection starved heart that I couldnt even begin to explain how those moments made me feel. And because with each one that would be added, it would prove to me that maybe this was real. Maybe I'm not being paranoid or delusional or just dreaming up a fantasy.

I wrote that despite being convinced that she requited a crush on me, I couldn't bring myself to ask her how she really felt about me, because 1) I was so scared of being wrong that I thought I’d rather sit idly by to see if she’d eventually make the first move. 2) I wasn't out, and am too scared to come out, so even if she did like me back, it's not like we’d be able to be a thing. And 3) She already had my one brother fall for her and then snap because she didn't feel the same way and dated a dude from work instead, and then my eldest brother thinks shes gorgeous and was convinced that she was/is into him, so I thought the last thing she needed/wanted was another kid from my family “falling in love” with her. But that believe me when I say that I've mentally wrestled my hand over my own mouth literally every other day since at least January to stop myself from asking her.

I promised that even as I was writing, that I didnt want her to know. I didnt want her to know because now that shes in a relationship, this just looks like I’m trying to confess my love in a last ditch hope of “winning the girl” and making her want to leave him again for me, but that’s not what I wanted. Letting her know all this just makes everything 1000x more complicated for everyone than it needs to be, not to mention the awkwardness of it. That the only reason I was saying all this is so that she could fully understand why knowing shes back with him affected me as bad as it did, I said bc I can guarantee that any one of her other friends aren't spending their weekend/week crying like a heartbroken middle school girl because their best friend got back with her ex. I admitted I’m jealous, and I’m mad at myself because I feel like I went and got my heart broken, because even after a decade of telling myself that I don't want or need a relationship, I was a fool and let myself catch feelings and fall harder than I imagined, all because someone showed me a little affection. I told her i know that this wasnt inherently her fault, I projected feelings when I shouldn't have, and I can only be reasonable and face the fact that I should've taken a chance months ago, but we all miss doors that stand open for us, and we all regret not taking that first step through when we had the chance. That’s my fault. I made that bed, and now I get to lay in it. I told her that she showed me a love that I've never known, and I never thought I'd know, and for that, I gave her thanks. 

Then i wrote that i’d be ok, as long as she was ok. I swore to her that her happiness and safety matter to me above all else, and that if he treats her with all the love, respect, and gentleness that i wish for her, that would make me happy. I told her that I hope that they are on mutual grounds now, and that they did work it out, and that he treats her like the Earthbound Aphrodite that she should be treated as. Because if he hurts her, it’ll break my heart. I said that if that happens and she leaves him, I won't let myself be the emotional rebound, no matter how desperate I am. (which honestly, i probably shouldnt have said that, or i at least should have added “given that you felt the same way”. but oh well. this is all behind us now.) 

She responded, saying that she wasnt exactly sure what to say, but that she had a feeling she knew what all of this was about. She said that im honestly the best friend she’s had, and shes cares for me so much. That she loves and respects me on another level, and that she was mad at him for coming in last Friday because she was trying to work her way up to talking to me about it. She said that she doesnt want to hurt me by anything she does, and that it was killing her to hide it from me. She promised me that she’ll never stay in a relationship where she wasnt valued or treated well, and that she’ll always be open and honest with anything going on with her. She told me “Thank you for letting me in on everything going on in your head. You’re so special to me.” 

I told her i know, i guess im pretty bad at being subtle and hiding things, but that i keep apologizing bc i didnt want to be that little girl that fell for something that wasnt there, and that i didnt want to burden her with knowing how i felt, especially now that shes in a relationship, and that i never wanted this to happen. I hated that i projected this on her. I promised that she doesnt hurt me, and its not her job to tell me every little detail about her personal life.That im a friend, not a parole officer keeping tabs on every little thing she does. If anything, i hurt myself, but i’ll live. I told her not to be mad at Jacob, because he didnt know, and he especially didnt know that i’d be jealous. I know shes smart and wont stay where shes not valued or treated well, and that she doesnt have to report everything about her life to me, but if she ever wants to tell me something, even if shes anxious about it, she can tell me. I thanked her for being chill and patient with me. I told her its hard for me to get rid of my jealousy so easily, but that i feel im accepting it well, considering this is my first experience with this stuff. I told her i might not be the one for her rihgt now, or even ever, but that when she does find that person, im gonna cheer for her because she deserves that happy ever after. I said as for Jacob, i’d keep an open mind. That he’s just a dude after all. I told her thank you for being so awesome and gentle with me, and that i love her.