#i didnt think i was really that great at all but now im really puttin everything i got into interacting with customers

[roaringheat]

my boss has her issues ofc but her praising my customer skills sm and writing a little personal note in a christmas goodie bag she gave me basically thanking me for how good I am with customers has me so elated and shit. makes me feel like im actually contributing which means A LOT since im still fuckin up drinks every so often LMAO

[spirituallyunhinged]

SO in this post i wanted to kinda track myself up until now to better see my progress throughout my practice but, as my own shit memory works against me constantly, im sure i’ll remember more as i go or like randomly in the near future

also its kinda my intro for this blog atm so thats cool (this took several hours n ik im missing key stuff but like its totally fine)

Rough timeline of my practice

got really into tarot

i watched so many videos on youtube with a friend of mine during like the end of 2020 to like beginning 2021 i think it was closer to 2021 tbh (this was also so many crisis times for other things too but once i went to college n ended up on calls with my friend we kinda got into it together)

2021

bought my own tarot deck and started doin readings for my friends n myself

side note: after reading for myself like twice n had no idea about veiling i gave my friend a few — the second time i did this i ended up gettin kinda possessed by their guide it was crazy n id love to be able to do it safely but it left me mad sick n i havent figured out how to do it without the sick afterwards but yea i ended up veilin hardcore for readings for a whileee after

stopped considering myself as a being apart of organized religion

while i was raised in the christianity kinda ive had multiple points durin my life where ive fallen off or gotten back on BUT after actually fading away from it i just decided i didnt wanna deal with the labels thing — tbf i wasnt really thinking i was anyways but i just kept puttin it off so i didnt have to deal with it :)

started gettin into like witchtok n witchcraft

i was super fascinated by witchcraft n i still am

went home for the summer and decided to pack it all away so my fam wouldnt notice

ended up still on the passive learning about witchcraft n tarot but like it was very little cuz i was goin through it

went back to college n my roommate was into tarot too

this was legit the best n i did so many readings for strangers when my roomie didnt wanna

started listenin to guided meditations on youtube n tryin to meditate myself

i struggle with it so bad tho hence the guided vids but yea no i hated it alot n dropped the everyday one like a week into it (now i do more like flow state meditation n i hate it alot less i want to do the silence one but i actually despise it)

i made a protective spray for our room

i was dumb about it tho n had to use a water bottle i stabbed holes in cuz i had only a tiny ass spray bottle (this one ended up goin with me everywhere

figured out out room was kinda haunted n while bein kinda scared i was more pissy about it

we left to the cafeteria n talked about it before goin back n i ended up talkin to our ghost n then we were vibin with em but ooo before we were cool they kept fuckin kickin my bed corner as i was about to sleep for legit two weeks before i brought it up n found out my roomie saw them knock shit off the desks n we both had been hearin the corners humming fuckin randomly until we looked over there like oh it was a time

i got into makin moon water n charging everythin i could get my grubby mits on

i kept stealin rocks from the campus n my friend gave me some theyd gotten for me when theyd gone out n about into nature it was great

ended up constantly veiling and worryin about protection on myself

this was due to being overwhelmed by the energy of large crowds i got like constant headaches n it was bad :D

oh subplot of the protection i ended up using the like shield technique before i was veiling and it was effective but like i didnt think it was enough n THEN i started veiling like all the time 🫠

got really into cleansing

this is something im still really into but at the time i did it like once a week n now i do it every time im in the shower since i saw a hack about using the waters properties as well as the cleansing stuff so yea that was it for me so yea while i still cleanse when i feel like i need to usually i cleanse myself everytime i shower

got into candles and candle magic more

bought some protection based books

i def read them but like ehh i use some of the things from em but i only got two n one seemed kinda intimidating since it was very hecate based which was so cool but like idk they were that guys personal stuff n i didnt wanna intrude (?) it was weird ik but eh its fine

sun cleansing! + a lil bit of sun water makin

kept drinkin the moon water until the aries one set me off for like two days of physical shaking

i didnt stop drinkin it but like i think about it more now instead of being like welp i made it im finna drink it all rn for fun 🤩

struggled with astrology— birth charts specifically

i still dont really understand birth charts n they confuse me :) so i had costar on my phone instead for a while

durin a readin for my roomie from another friend i ended up gettin kinda possessed again

this wasnt my fault i wasnt veilin cuz i thought i was safe… i was very wrong which lead to me veilin anytime someone was gettin a reading from my roomie

got a concerning amount of obsessed about soulmates

big yikes past me was still goin through it BUT in their defense past me kept gettin weird ass intuition based things about what i think was a potential soulmate kinda situation n then that person kinda kept sendin shit into my energy n latched on a lil bit but all good now 🫡

dreams dreams dreamsss

had so many vivid dreams that seemed to hold a shit ton of messages n everythin from “the divine” which then transferred to from my spirit team lmao

incense since my roomie loved it — smoke cleansed n protected the room with salt alot

started hearin things during my roomies readings of ppl

like i started pickin up on the shit their readings were sayin without doin anything which like this was primarily through songs but also really jarring yellin sometimes

went home for the winter break n accidentally brought our ghostie with me cuz i was worried theyd be alone n my roomie was takin the plant so

at home i was able to better sense the house ghost that was in the spare room i was sleepin in at the time

2022

went back to school n the veiling had to be bumped up to like all the time

aura colors!! like had to focus on ppl but ooo was so cool

was wearing protective charms n charged jewelry all the time

used so much music in my divination (shuffle that shiiitt)

woke up late at night n saw some like bad energy tryin to fuckin seep through the celling at me

was havin issues with a girl who wanted to like take over my place to be with my roomie n im pre sure that was from her but eh

said girl asked me to help her protect her room n i did cuz u wanted to be nice

did some candle magic for her n read her tarot like all the time too

had to take a theology course n an ethics one

the theology one was really into the old religions n mushrooms n like all sorts of stuff like that n the teacher was a Buddhist so it was so good

had a dream for my roommate n it was so vivid n weird cuz i did shit i would never ever want to do

when i woke up i realizedthat we had talked about her doin that thing like a month ago n i realized what the message was actually about but holy shit weird

learned about spiritual guides some more n tried to meet them

kinda worked kinda didnt but like i was using a guided meditation off youtube so after tryin again had some success (mainly through dreams)

went home for summer again n put it kinda on pause

it was during this time that i had a dream for another friend of mine who was all up in my energy at the time n it was actually fuckin terrifying

i have no idea what the dream was about but i had it woke up scared to some tall ass ppl over my bed like sternly tellin me to tell the other person n i asked them if i told them theyd leave n let me go back to bed without the terror — they said yes n was like “TELL THEM” kinda loudly n it was actually scary but yea i frantically typed that up n sent it to the person n once i did their ppl immediately left n i was immediately okay again

went back to school with a new roomie n more into protecting my room every few months

was learning n vibing with my spirit guides oh n more dreamss

saw a figure of a lady over my roomie late at night was pre freaky at the time

when i brought it up to her she was like oh 😀

stopped protecting so hard

instead of every time i cleansed i put up shields i kinda just put em up when i really needed em — stopped veilin all the time but like i kept up with the protective jewelry n rocks

in retrospect i think ive been doin it subconsciously n when im not my guides take care of it more now which is super nice im ngl

i learned about alters/shrines n that kinda worship

used that knowledge to make an alter for my spirit guides that was in my closet

made incense offerings n various food stuff

i remember giving them a huge ass chocolate easter bunny for help with something one time

did a protection spell in a teacup that sat on their alter too for a while

used a pendulum like all the time

read some tarot at a party for like five ppl

2023(?)

also sometime around here felt called to give a smoke offering for help with something n gave it to some greek pantheon figures

i really shouldve seen the hellenic polytheism coming like dammit it was so obvious

was like giving physical offerings i think pre often before learning that you could give energetic ones without a physical offering too

i was charging the physical offerings like every time before learning about how some ppl just give energy when they cant give physical stuff

a relative got really sick n i kept giving energetic offerings n incense for like almost a month

said family member decided to not go through any more treatment n once i found out i tried giving more but after visiting with my whole family i went back to my dorm n i got this feeling n heard “2 weeks” with like finality n it was like such a heavy feeling that came with it n i tried to put it off but like i knew that was all the time she had left with us

i ended up going home n spending as much time as i could there but yea it was like two weeks later when she passed n i was really not okay about it n i was angry that i hadnt given enough to get her to stay but ik there wasnt much we could do n i think my offerings mightve helped but couldnt have put that kinda thing off much but yea oof that was rough

took a week or so where i shoved my practice away after askin about her n makin sure she was okay

after that week or two i started doin more energetic offerings

saw a relatives dog right after he had been put down like before i knew he was gone n saw him run around the kitchen then walk over to my family member id lost earlier that year

dont remember anything else rn other than cleansing all the time n energy offerings like every night to my spirit guides

2024

reworked my alter

did some protective candle magic for my friend

basically on my own so been learning n havin some experiences here n there but having trouble with specifics rn

learned more about spirit guides

learned more about other forms of divination

mainly bone throws, dice, cartomancy, n some others i can’t remember

energetic offerings every night for my guides n talkin to em them

got wayyy better at hearing my guides

became really aware of the spirits id been seeing all of the sudden when talkin to my ma

once i realized id been seein them or like their energy n i focused i could see some features like what they tend to do n hair colors specifically

got really into learning about hellenism n devotional work

granted u had learned about it before as well but i came back into learning about it with a fervor

had some spirits turn up right before i went to bed

asked them to come back in the morning so that i could read tarot on it

started doing some worship type stuff for the greek pantheon through energetic offerings n while doing certain tasks

randomly tasted iced coffee for a few hours which i never have so i asked if someone wanted an offering n got a yes so did that which was cool

set up new alter/shrine spaces

started giving energetic offerings to my new shrines as well

last week of may i gave specific offerings because i was panicking about some medical issues n couldnt sleep it was a whole thing so i reached out to Hypnos for help sleeping and Asclepius and his daughters for help with the medical thing

this was a great idea from panic filled me tbh n ive been sleeping wayyy better n feelin better

ive been givin offerings since to them along with a few physical offerings

since then ive been tryin to learn n worship in my own kinda way

also ended up on new meds (im chronically ill lmao) n then because im allergic to em i ended up overnight in the hospital haha so i ended up turning to some if the gods for help

i gave a bunch of energy offerings since i was ya know not at home n then once i was free to do ish again i poured some offerings down the sink in the hospital

ive been attempting to add to my shrine rn but since i crocheted the cloth my spirit guides’ shrine has so i wanted to do that but i made like two version n hated em so far so im still workin on it

thats it for the moment but ill try to update it as i remember or like as ish happens!

[eviclair]

thanks to @starlit-pathways for the tag!! love talking about myself, 10/10

last album: i consume 98% of my music through the random shit spotify yeets at my face every week so i dont really ever listen to full albums BUT

Lei Line Eon by Iglooghost : iglooghost and his beepboops have been gluing my mental health together since like 2014. lei line is the most recent album but please know i am listening to his entire discography all the time forever

Afterburner by Dance Gavin Dance : last year prisoner was my most binged song and the only reason thats not still the case is because the i realized the rest of the album was Also great and i just let the whole thing play now

what i DO listen to cover to cover are soundtracks!! constantly!! this weeks favorites are

Made in Abyss from Kevin Penkin : you could not pay me to finish watching this series but mr penkin sir i have feelings for you

Final Fantasy XIII / XIII-2 : this year spotify told me i was in the top 2% of masashi hamauzu’s listeners. this is distressing. who is in the top 1% if not me, i just want to talk.

D4: Dark Dreams Don’t Die : man don’t @ me about this i just wanna live in a world where i can get the serotonin hit from theme of d4 without being hit by crushing cancellation sadness

Endwalker OST from Soken: its not officially out for me to link but please know of the 25 hours a day i spend logged into the critically acclaimed MMORPG Final Fantasy XIV with an expanded free trial which you CAN’T play that covers the entirety of A Realm Reborn and the award winning Heavensward expansion up to level 60 for free with no restrictions on playtime, about 15 of them are spent healing vanaspati. there is no reason for this. my whm is at cap. i just want that orchestrion roll and i am willing to experience unlimited amounts of violence to obtain it.

last movie: spider-man nwh. it was certainly a movie! i did have fun! 98% of that was my pea brain going OOOH WOOOOOAH ITS SPIDERMAN I LOVE THAT DUDE and not much else, which i guess is the point!! will not be consuming another marvel property until spiderverse 2

currently reading: i miss books, man. miss being able to read real actual physical literature without feeling like my brain is trying to escape out my ears but here we are!! what i CAN still read is uhhhh horrendous amounts of fanfic so here’s the top picks of late

Pedestal by Digital Skitty (Pokemon): area child begins their pokemon journey with the most broke-ass team (derogatory) conceivable. You Won’t Believe What Happens Next ! i dont know anything about pokemon now and i didnt know anything about pokemon eleven years ago when i read this on ffn but skitty’s puttin in on ao3 now so its a good time to say: pedestal is the fucking best. i’ll die on this hill. pedestal fucked me up as a human so bad i now own this persons actual published books. go go now

The Tourist’s Guide To Aselia by ritzcracker (Tales of Symphonia): y’all already know im a huge slut for inserts and godddd this one is just excellent. oc is chefs kiss, worldbuilding is chefs kiss, scenery description is unparalleled. mx ritzcracker if youre reading this i love you

the call of yesterday by MargaritaDaemonelix (Fire Emblem: Three Houses) : new game +++ byleth vs Her Actual Job but make it hurt me so good. god GOD god i love gen. prayers in chat for op’s grades tho 🙏

i am accepting fic recs 24 hours a day 7 days a week. i am in love with your ocs specifically.

up next:

A Clash of Kings by George RR Martin : i have been trying to read the asoiaf series with minimal success for like four years. it is going to happen. it is GOING to happen. there is simply too much happening in that ao3 tag for me live out my days in ignorance. its just that every time i open this fucking book all i can think is WOW what a fantasy series, so horny, really makes me want to read the vastly less sexual and incomparably better

Cry of the Icemark by Stuart Hill : high fantasy feral teenager has to figure out how the hell to be Queen At Thirteen while gathering a supernatural army to fight Literally The Roman Empire. i’ve read this book maybe thirty times. i will read it perhaps thirty more times. thirrin freer strong-in-the-arm lindenshield, my beloved

currently watching:

Jujutsu Kaisen : i’m way behind the curve on this one, i know, i just finished the junpei arc and im suffering

Mo Dao Zu Shi : i did not know the mdzs donghua got a part three until like yesterday. where were you all in my time of need. i have so much to watch

currently craving:

not the catboy. i mean yes the catboy but i have thought of almost nothing else but this donut basket for... weeks. i think a lot my problems could be solved by a picnic basket full of pastries (and also the catboy) but all the bakeries around here have been so slammed for the holidays it just aint worth it til after new years

tagging:  do you also like to talk way too much about your interests?? lucky for you i like to read abt them!! if youre reading this then i tag you

[yuissamidare]

@codes i think i may have put this on my artblog but... Here

i guess ill start w ichi bc i always forget about him somehow like i always come up short when im making lists and im like 'oh wait shit yeah that guy’ bc im stupid n i only think of fishing trio + choro. I’m an Idiot. idk i never thought too hard on ichi bc i so rarely think about him but he looks so high its really funny i said this on main but he looks like my friend when he decided to try a weed gummy bear then started babbling about hentai then watched to watch porn with me but got mad all the intro scenes are a billion years long and started ranting about the industry but now that i think about it he looks like someone who used to send me weird shit when he was high like bad pick up lines about body parts i wish i didnt have

and thats so funny that its Ichimatsu who looks like that but also proof that hes high. but anyway!! hes really cute and im mad hes boutta ruin my reputation for my complete and utter lack of care and interest in him no matter what im mad. my friend gwyn said 'Sp lubing us up for the fuckening that is the reason why Ichi is sad in present day’ im really curious at the change like if hes trying a fake it till you make it type thing bc really emotionally exhausted or if hes just genuinely having a good time or hes puttin on a front since like. nails who stand get hammered down right??? just gotta do your best n Never Relax n i can relate to all that. but uhhh old hcs i guess

in kun ichi was the most serious! really smart but just as bad w school as the rest of them apparently but!! yeah so id think that!! ichis that guy who participates in class discussion constantly and is always willing to debate the readings, but turns in sloppy papers with typos and no a coherency or stucture or anything. he’s A+ in participation but has an average of 60% on most of the written assignments with points knocked bc of lateness then more bc its A Mess. you could ask about the prompts for one of his papers, he could babble about his position on it complete with paragraphs and footnotes but like the day before its due hes playing rpgs and watching horror movies.

his classmates think hes so smart n so intimidating. the family knows hes a hot mess. the teachers tell him he has a lot of potential but they don’t think hes applying himself. all are right. also he doesnt cheat or let people cheat off of him since hes always been about rules and boundaries and Rightness n he n jyushi were the only ones who Minded Themselves in kun

uhh jyushi!! let me talk about schoolwork again bc yeah i love jyushi so so so so much and thinking of him in a school environment is so weird i thought about it a lot n i thought about it him in kun n san and Woah!! i really really love delinquent jyushi, bc when i saw that i was like 'huh! that fits actually!!’ i love that like him and choro flip flopped completely from what i thought. his school must be so cold theyre too cheap to afford heating in the winter and in summer the acs Blast. he was so Shy and quiet and he cried and he liked to sing so i always thought that when he participated in chorus festivals hes always like right in front!! he hums a lot in class and also moves around alot bc he actually like school and people like primary trio are the types that make friends often. i wasnt supposed to talk about this yet whoops.

unlike ichi who relatively neat despite everything but has shit notes, jyushis notes are amazing and understandable and utterly illegible.

theyre covered in doodles, arrows and lines leading every which way, different colors but not like color coded n theyre not in order by date, but he opens to a random page every time yet somehow always seems to know where to find each lesson. he writes footnotes and caveats and corrections and criticisms of the teachers and random thoughts and just smears ink everywhere. sometimes his notes are on a completely different subject. the notebook itself is a horrifying mess, the front and back covers both covered in drawings and designs and falling apart, random papers shoved between the pages, coming apart at the seams, covered in stains of unknown origin. assignments are full of emoticons and informal language, and they always manage to make his teachers feel like hes smarter than they are (most likely). he does his projects the minute theyre assigned, and is finished a minute later so can talk to his friends. he loved school.

sophie told me once about how she thought was Like That was bc one of his main concerns is that he thought he had nothing that made him Jyushi n in kun she said he might have been the one who was the most concerned about having a distinctive personality and i talked about how that sorta carried over san and how he always blended in bc of how gentle and soft and push-overy he was. he was actually the and most gullible and weakest in kun so i was like :0 when i saw that and intentionally did stuff like only carry 14 yen in his pockets to be quirky but it always sorta fell flat and he was still invisible so i was like hmmmmm. and i can see how he couldve toughened up and thinking of this now!! i love that. oh im so happy. this is so much better than i ever couldve imagined ever.

totty…. i do not think he was very popular or good at school. i think he’s very decent at schoolwork but he never put much effort into it. just copies whats on the board but if the class runs out of allotted lesson time n he couldnt finish his work he just didnt do it like cram schools a pain in the ass. if he put effort hed be a star student but he just craps out whatever since hes was the laziest!! oh but something i noticed was that him and jyushi would play together often since sometime he felt overwhelmed by karamatsu a lot. also hes the money thief and scammer its great kun todo is so good. he gets shy and flustered easy too!!

but uhh yeah!! depending on the day im always like 'zaimoku love each other so much they are best friends and the perfect other halves!!’ then im like 'these mofos hate each other what the fuck is this trainwreck’ did you see their shitty small talk in the horse episode. what was that. like they are genuinely trying to communicate and are pretty easy with each other but they have nothing to say. its like when youre having a boring day at school and theres nothing to talk about with an acquaintance so you just look at the walls and go 'have you ever noticed how stupid these posters are’ then you both start reading posters aloud but you both know its not that funny and youre just doing it to waste time but you still enjoy their company you just dont want silence. thats their relationship. and i think they are just very similar in very different ways and like. the key things that make them both similar and different and the same fuck them up (like suiriku!! theyre both really similar even if it doesn’t seem like it at first which is why their compatibility in the relationship chart was so low in s1, but i saw a lot of improvement in both of their behaviours and their communication and honestly. s2 was worth it for that sophie was so happy to see her faves get along) like sometimes when you look in the mirror all the things you see are the things you dont like about yourself instead of what makes you wonderful and unique. also i didnt mean to talk about this but i guess i am.

but yeah. totty is bitter n resentful at kara during hs n karas more confused and upset at tottys behaviour in their twenties n thats bc like i said. theyre dumb. karamatsu!! i think was actually pretty popular in highschool n had a good amount of friends - i genuinely think theatre kids are well liked bc i literally know everyone in my department and im friends w a good amount of people and im not even That extroverted. my actual extrovert friends know everyone in the school by name and everyone in my department is so nice even though theres a lot of bitchiness and drama its not as bad as w other humanities studies (jesus christ humanity students outside of theatre are a hot mess.)

uh yeah n that ultimately makes totty feel a bit… betrayed? karamatsu is his partner! theyre supposed to be there for eachother! kara’s the first one to branch out, get friends etc etc and todomatsus left behind bc hes always the one playimg follow the leader and he breaks out of that once they graduate - he grows up resenting karamatsu slightly though he still cares. but this time Hes the one cancelling plans to hang out with friends instead. my friend katie put it best when, in response to me telling them this, they sent me:

'kara: totty you have so many friends now. We barely see you anymore.

totty, applying chapstick: well, I learned it from the best.’

when i told them about it. but at the time gwyn and i were babbling about possibilities and different storylines and how theres a possiblity the movie might break down into three manageable plotlines n she gave zaimoku 'popularity’ and this was me throwing out ideas but honestly. Good. (aha, the end of this scenario ended up with todo throwing hands and shoulder checking someone outside a window and then getting removed from the premise n hanging with atsushi all night after) why am i on this. shit what happened here.

uhh but yeah totty is Def someone with learned behaviours rather than being a natural extrovert honestly just look at him hes an introverted mess masquerading as a decent human being and i know full well how people like that are bc some of them have been my best friends for years n seein the new hs promos solidifies that fact bc look at him. Crybaby. He is Miniscule. A Child.

then its 'delinquent who looks like an honour student’ choro. i never studied him until sophie started liking choro n since i love sophie i wanted to take an interest in him too. n i started to think very hard about him! then gwyn planted this in me n its taken root and im just never not gonna think its great. yall see his shitty gokudo impression what a bossy lil shit. he pulled a whip on kara once and it was mad funny but also Gwyns Big Evidence for him just being the absolute worst not like a casually skips class type but a Choro was a legit a bully and really mean n sabatoged other classmates to make him look like he was 100% That Bitch. maybe not him being Mean and cruel but just an asshole who bums around, is something i really like that one a lot its been one of my faves since gwyn n i started talking about it but i just!! have a ton of other things too!!

hes a lot like karamatsu in that theyre both stupid and weird and embarrassing and they put on airs but they also!! dont try!! they talk so big and such high goals n expectations and they dont do shit bc they have so much hubris but i always talk about them bc suiriku is sophies Beloved so ill like. Not. but he acts like he’s better than all of them n forces the role of the straight man on himself because he wants to be seen as the responible, level headed one even if hes just. So Much.

i think the movies calling back to how touchy feely and clingy he was in kun and adding on to how jyushis a delinquent and kara… Is Like That he’ll be around them the most bc jyushi might either be really protective or push him away and then they do something to mend their relationship later on or hell cling to kara and they just. grow apart. sticking to my hc until the end bitches. oh.

for choro… personally!! i thought hed be a slacker instead of a delinquent but not in the way totty slacked - totty was lazy n knew the work but didnt want to put in effort but choro just. Doesnt. choro has so much energy all the time and choro Can Not deal with school situations. bc like… you always hear people say that studying is meant to be done at the desk, silently, no distractions what so ever!! focus on notes and nothing else!! ise a highlighter but dont use it too much!! make your notes legible but you only have five minutes before the board gets erased!! review!!! look at your notes or youll die! take breaks bit dont take too long and honestly. listen. kun choro wouldnt be able to stand that shit and id think hed just think he was doing it The Wrong Way n he just wasnt meant to do it.

he doesnt like quiet classrooms!! he cant study like that and hell get distracted. he cant sit still n thats why totoko broke up w him in the beer ad and why hes just Everywhere in kun!! hes understimulated and its just Ugh! you know??? he’ll fidget w his pens until he breaks them or hum or tap his foot and annoy everyone or leave for the bathroom at least three times a class just to get up and move.

eventually he just. gives up even though hes super smart he like, stops caring bc if you dont care to understand material then you wont have to read and read and reread and rereread something to get it! classes just make everything uncomphrehensible and makes any idea he may have sublimate into nothing. but he can work on the trains and the buses! he needs something kenetic to get him moving and trains n shit always have enough going on to work with, just like with home!! chorochoro motherfuckers. he works much better moving forward, ironic as that is. he feels sorta set apart from every thing like hes behind some big plane of glass doing everything wrong and being all set apart from everything. eventually he takes to acting like a real fussy mom to avoid his own problems and help everyone else out even though hes annoying and even when he graduates but it gets Worse bc then figures out how much!!! he fucked up!! then he kicks himself into high gear n still cant do shit. ahh.

its illegal for me to talk about choukei bc i talk about them so much and im always being annoying n typing stupid essays about them bc theyre… my faves.. But this is so long…

it actually makes me super happy that he kara acne he still can be really fighty and he cries and he still does stupid impulsive shit for others and even though hes really sweet and caring is still an utter monster and fucking mess of a person. love him. i always like to think his shittymatsu nickname came from iyami n it just morphed from there bc in 66 you can hear iyami calling him specifically garbage. ive always been glad they kept his sewing hobby too. ahh, actually from what i see hes pretty similarities to kun so i wonder when he decided to air out that teremity. idk what to say about him that i havent in tottys section. he just Feels like someone who had a good support group and nice friends bc of how hes able to move in the world. kara feels like some whos doing their growing up in their twenties bc highschool came easy to them and now theyre just really struggling with the real world. like i shouldve expected softboy hs kara and i appreciate him very much!! i talk about choukei a lot bc they were the first characters that spoke so i immediately attached myself to them n i talk about karamatsu Specifically but im not sure i ever mentioned how much i appreciated how smart and cautious hes proved himself to be time and time again, like how hes the only one to point out totokos fish shtick aint doing her favours or how he was the first one to notice osos irritation n how you can pick out his voice warning jyushi to calm down in the bg of 24 or how in the comedian episode he was ready to take Notes from iyami and a lot of other small things!!

i would think hes actually a bit more serious n calm in hs and san is him amping up traits that drew people to him in hs and it backfiring on kara spectacularly - kara is always gauging people and their reactions and acting in a way he believes will get something positive, but at the same time is utterly oblivious when it comes to actually Getting them n i talked about the girls on the bridge but this is also prevalent with ichi who kara just. Doesnt Get and can not figure out how to maneuver their relationship. like oso, kara is and elder brother!! and elder brothers have an image theyre supposed to uphold, but while kara acts the part he doesnt do the shit a big brother does and shrugs that responsibility off on oso until oso fucks up until s2, where they share the role more evenly and his relationship with ichi improves but this is another essay entirely. what im trying to get with that is that hyperfocus on what other people think of him, but his complete disregard when it comes to their actual reaction and instead what he wants their reactions to be would also greatly impact him transtioning from a teen to an adult im sorry im getting sloppy now

osomatsu… i really adore him too much and i understand how totty felt in their episode bc i also lent my phone to a friend who needed to desperately jack it before meeting new people n i talk about him a whole lot too. hes mean and an asshole and garbage n i know a lot of people find him plain n boring but idk. i dont think thats the case hes a really complexed n nuanced character n hes literally has always been way back from kun n thats expected from a main character but… hes always been mean n dumb n sly and he can get so pathetically vunerable and thats literally!! him. hes a normal dude nothing wrong with that n it can be real refreshing. n i suppose im so fond of fishing trio+choro bc they remind me of my friends. but yeah even if hes 'plain’ i dont see why thats a bad thing. n this they always have the most interesting body language like despite kara being So Much his body language was always closed off n singled him out as everything But exuberant and bright, and osos quirks like how he stands on his toes a lot had always been so cute… its relaxed and open n screams Talk To Me!!!!

ahh but i always end up thinking oso was. oso??? theres not much to say that i havent before but i do think that he was a lot more like he was in episode 2 when ranting to chibita about having shitty brothers and then actively Chose to be a good brother even if he wasnt a good person and be a stable rock and be someone they could all come back to at the end of the day. and hes good at math im never letting this die.

[subdivisi0ns]

tagged by the lovely @britneyshakespeare to answer these 10 questions & come up with 10 of my own. thank you !! 💗

psa i wrote way too much please don’t read this. just skip to the questions at the end if i tagged you

1. What are 3 songs that mean something to you, and what do they mean?

that’s hard because i don’t usually find personal meanings in songs. i’m a lot more interested in what the song means to the artist who wrote it. but let’s see if i can think of some

-um. after all by david bowie was always Highly Relatable. like. prattling on & on waxing philosophical only to suddenly realize everything i said is wrong and don’t hate me and also now i’m having an existential crisis and i shouldn’t have started talking in the first place? M e

-when i was first getting into rush i was a big fan of Self Isolating To Cope and also i had no friends and was proud of it (bc if i couldn’t find a way to take pride in my [perceivedly] unchangeable flaws my entire self image would come crashing to the ground and that just wasn’t a good time . anyway). so the lines “nothing can survive in a vacuum / no one can exist all alone” from turn the page pissed me off. but now! now i have loads of friends and i feel legitimately cared about and i feel like i can comfortably reciprocate that and now when i hear that song i think you know what neil? you’re goddamn right.

-uh i s’pose i relate to another brick in the wall pt 3 which is not a good thing but. i dunno i really love being angrily in denial of needing any help whatsoever along to this song. it’s my flaw-pride anthem (don’t worry i don’t take it literally. it’s just fun in the moment)

-shit i know this said three but the one person who i relate to EVERY FUCKING SONG he’s ever put out is bill wurtz. never have i felt so understood than when i listen to bill wurtz’s music. god it’s the most uncanny feeling, i really really understand it a lot

ok i have to stop thinking of more . turns out a lot have meaning to me ive spent like an hour on this question alone Moving On

2. What’s your ideal self like?

. this was The Worst question to ask me because i can and will ramble on for hours given the opportunity

well i’d be able to execute my ideas, for one. instead of just having a half-baked - quarter-baked - fleeting concept with no real idea of how to achieve it. more specifically i want to be able to write songs. more more specifically i want to be able to write the music aspect of songs. i can’t do it. i dont fuckin know why i just can’t. but if i could i think i just might be content with life.

but that doesn’t mean there aren’t still things to improve. i wish i was funnier. i like my weird brand of humor/abstractity online but that’s hard to replicate in real life. i wish i was better at thinking on the spot. i wish my memory didn’t only retain stuff when it feels like it. i wish i was better at putting my thoughts into words, more concisely and accurately and effectively.

um i wish i didnt have executive function issues. like i wanna just do stuff and not have it take all the energy out of me. wish i had the energy to do it to begin with. wish i could keep up with socializing and not ignore people for hours/days because i can’t get myself to maintain conversation.

ok clearly this is leading down an endless tunnel of what i’d change so . i’ll just say my ideal self is a successful musician with a good social life but also an element of mystery and intrigue. my ideal self is just david bowie

3. Who, of all your family members (immediate or extended), do you think has had the most influence on you, for better or for worse?

my mom for a lot (a looooooot) of reasons but if i go into it this is gonna push it over the line from a tag game into a therapy session (if i havent crossed that line already)

4. What’s your main outlet of expression?

writing. journalling. fuckin , social media. actually yeah that more than anything. my Self is on display here if you look at my tumblr(s) my twitter(s) and my instagram(s) you’ve got a pretty goddamn decent picture of who i am

5. What was the first album you ever bought for yourself?

uh i mean i listen to most stuff off of youtube if i don’t already have it so like,,? i dunno. does itunes count? the first vinyl i ever got was wish you were here (for forty fuckin bucks god) but i paid with my aunt’s money so does that even count. i don’t know.

6. Do you like to go shopping?

depends on a lot of things. lately i’ve been in the mood to just get out of the damn house whenever possible (love being a high school dropout !) so the answer is pretty much yes anytime. but it really depends.

7. Kind of cliche but, if you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, who would you pick?

i wanna be the fourth person at the dinner with rush table. just to observe. i’d be terrified to actually have a conversation with any of my idols. okay but if i had to get over that fear i guess i’d pick..... bowie? todd? i don’t know this is hard. alex lifeson circa 197something so he can take me back to his place afterwards you pickin up what im puttin down

8. What TV show do you watch when you’re feeling stressed or low and you need a quick feel-better fix?

i don’t watch tv like ever not even in this case but i guess full house

9. What was the last intriguing conversation you had about?

everything my girlfriend said to me today (edit: yesterday but i did this last night) was great everything my girlfriend’s ever said to me was great

oh that didn’t answer the question at all i just realized. uh they were telling me about the star wars prequels (which i have not seen) and earlier we were having a very analytical conversation about a particularly interesting rush photo

also me & @swanky-trash were discussing our plans to take down trump and all the rest of those bastards while wearing jareth from labyrinth costumes and eating mushrooms. because it’s our destiny as clones separated at birth. yknow just life stuff

10. What’s something about yourself that you don’t think comes across as painfully obvious online, but is, in fact, in person?

shit are we at the end already? damn. i was enjoying this (can you tell).

okay here’s another one i could go on for 12 years about. but uh. i probably come across as way more perky irl? like my voice is all high pitched and i talk really fast and smile and laugh at everything and i have a whatever the opposite of monotone is voice. i don’t like that. i try to combat it online with the all-lowercase typing and shortening of words and omission of punctuation and that sort of thing. i think it’s worked. also i may be terrible at typing but i am WAY worse at speaking. i’m scatterbrained as hell and if i seem at all interesting or witty online that all goes to shit irl. also i can’t fucking talk to people who i only know in person? it just doesn’t work. thank god i have you guys

haaaa okay sorry for the rambling here are the questions

1. what’s the best day/one of the best days you’ve ever had?

2. how important is your social media presence to you?

3. what achievement are you proudest of?

4. describe your sense of humor.

5. is there anything you’re good at or like to do that people who don’t know you well probably wouldn’t expect?

6. what’s your most interesting family story?

7. favorite color palette?

8. what’s something that would be very “out of character” for you to do?

9. yknow that thing on twitter that’s like “pick 1 & rt for good luck” and the options are good grades, meet your idol, money, or crush texts you? which one would/did you pick and why?

10. what’s a song you either wish you’d written or feel like you could’ve written?

i tag @thetemplesofrush @thumbnailoak3 @swanky-trash @lavender-layne @realalexlifeson @davies-jones @goallines-and-musicrhymes @fruitthemed @graveyarding @cosmikdebris99 and anyone else who wants to do it and dont feel pressured to do it etc etc god i hope none of you actually read this whole thing i am so sorry