#i don't feel too good about making conventional holiday art

[nights-at-crystarium]

[bigcats-birds-and-books]

Books of 2024: August Wrap-Up.

Hey, would you look at that, it's suddenly September! Rude and uncalled for. This month, I did a lot of knitting (two sets of gloves and two hats! gearing up for holiday season), and a LOT of writing (finished the first 16k draft of a scene, who???), and read uh. Some. I didn't finish a ton of books, but I did make it through what felt like a ton of pages.

Two-thirds of this month's reading were post-apocalyptic-community-oriented, on purpose, to feed into my current writing project, and that worked really well--either I'm very good at choosing books that match the vibe I need, or my ADHD brain is good at making connections, OR a little bit of column A, a little bit of column B. Photos and/or reviews linked below:

GHOST STATION (pages-out stand-in book pictured above, because I checked it out from the library after canceling my paperback pre-order, which was a good call) - ★★ This was very bad. Bad science, stupid incompetent characters, JUST enough neat worldbuilding to make it FRUSTRATING that this missed so hard. I'm bummed because I wanted to read DEAD SILENCE by this author, too, but I don't trust her now :(

ALWAYS COMING HOME - ★★★★½ Loved this!! Dense and chewy, and it required a lot of patience, but it was very rewarding and I'm really glad I read it. My absolute favorite passage was about scrub oaks, but I posted a few other highlights and tagged them as "le guin posting," if you're interested! If you like Le Guin and/or utopias and better futures and/or huge books that push what it means to Be A Novel, check this out for sure.

ARCHANGELS OF FUNK - ★★★½ So. I didn't realize that this was attached to a few other novels she's already written. And I read it cold (oops). Goodreads informed me that it was Book #2 of Cinnamon Jones, and review-diving indicated that REDWOOD AND WILDFIRE is also implicated in its worldbuilding, but that didn't stop me because I can't read. I would like to revisit this one after I've read those other two, I think, but!: The community and vibes and Making Art At The End Of The World were all immaculate, and the character names made me feel vindicated in some of my own naming conventions (seriously: there's an Indigo in this, and a Game-Boy, and Hawk, I can't make this shit up).

Under the Cut: A Note About ~*★Stars★*~

Historically, I have been Very Bad™ about assigning things Star Ratings, because it's so Vibes Heavy for me and therefore Contingent Upon my Whims. I am refining this as I figure out my wrap up posts (epiphany of this month: I don't like that stars are Odd, because that makes three the midpoint and things are rarely so truly mid for me)(I have hacked my way around this with a ½). Here is, generally, how I conceptualize stars:

★ - This was Bad. I would actively recommend that you do NOT read this one, no redeeming qualities whatsoever, not worth the slog. Save Yourself, It's Too Late For Me. Book goes in the garbage (donate bin).

★★ - This was Not Good. I would not recommend it, but it wasn't a total waste or wash--something in here held my interest/kept my attention/sparked some joy. I will not be rereading this ever. Save Yourself (Or Join Me In Suffering, That Seems Like A Cool Bonding Activity).

★★★ - This was Good/Fine/Okay/Meh. I don't care about this enough to recommend it one way or another. Perfectly serviceable book, held my interest, I probably enjoyed myself (or at least didn't actively loathe the reading). I don't have especially strong feelings. You probably don't need to save yourself from this one--if it sounds like your jam, give it a shot! Just didn't resonate with me particularly powerfully. I probably won't reread this unless I'm after something in particular.

★★★½ - I liked this! I'll probably recommend it if I know it matches someone's vibes or specific requests, but I didn't commit to a star rating on Goodreads. More likely to reread, but not guaranteed.

★★★★ - I really enjoyed this!! I would recommend it (sometimes with caveats about content warnings or such--I tend to like weird fucked up funny shit, and I don't have many hard readerly NO's). Not a perfect book for me by any means, but Very Good. This is something I would reread! Join me!!

★★★★★ - I LOVED THE SHIT OUT OF THIS, IT REWIRED MY BRAIN, WILL RECOMMEND TO ANYONE AND EVERYONE AT THE SLIGHTEST PROVOCATION (content warning caveats still apply--see 4-star disclaimer). Excellent book, I'll reread it regularly, I'll buy copies for all my friends, I'll try to convince all of Booklr to read it, PLEASE join me!!

[chaosincurate]

chaosincurate's top 20 albums of 2023

For the second year in a row, I'm late to the year-end list party, but the format doesn't lose value as a way of finding new music just because it's not the holidays anymore, so here is my list:

20

Jessie Ware - That! Feels Good!

An exuberant and self-assured pop album with charismatic vocal performances from Jessie Ware throughout. It's groovy, it's greedy, and it's wonderfully hedonistic. It feels reminiscent of 00's pop by the likes of Rihanna and Katy Perry, but with a modern and classy flair that makes it as fun and danceable as anything by the aforementioned pair, but in a whole new way.

19

Yves Tumor - Praise A Lord Who Chews But Which Does Not Consume; (Or Simply, Hot Between Worlds)

Yves Tumor continues to be one of the most interesting rock acts of their generation in a way that doesn't feel likely to polarize. It's as if we're hearing the pop music from a human-esque alien race. It appeals in all the ways it should, but is barely recognizable as pop music. Yves Tumor is generally yet to click with me properly, but they are undeniably intriguing and someone rock fans should be paying attention to.

18

boygenius - the record

On first impression, I thought the record was wildly overrated. Now, a few more listens later, but perhaps not enough listens as I should have had, well... I still don't get the hype. But I do find myself enjoying it slightly more with every listen. Maybe by next year I'll see it as amongst the best this year had to offer, but as of right now it's at a lower-than-most but still respectable 18th for me. I love the more upbeat cuts, like $20 and Not Strong Enough, and unsurprisingly considering the solo work of the 2 artists I heard from before this, the lyricism is brilliant with it's offhanded cleverness and sense of humour.

17

Laufey - Bewitched

Laufey really managed to sneak her way into my heavy rotation with this album. It became one of my most listened albums of last year despite the fact I would have sworn I only listened enough for about five full listens, accounting for shuffle plays, had I not seen the last.fm stats for myself. To be clear, that's not just the seeds for an Apple Music shuffle conspiracy theory (although there are traces of that involved, I'm onto you Apple), it's a comment on how easy this album is to listen to. I found it an unrewarding listen when trying to analyze it in the way I do most of the music I listen to, perhaps on account of my inexperience with jazz and jazz-inspired music, but when I just let it play, it truly shined. It's just so constantly in the groove, relaxing, and uplifting all at once.

16

Young Fathers - Heavy Heavy

I honestly struggle to put my finger on what appeals to me about this album. All I have are hints of things. It is a very dynamic album, and some songs on it feel quite communal too, which is nice, but those characteristics don't really stand out that much compared to albums I like this much. There's a bit of cool experimentation on display, but nothing truly groundbreaking. It's almost as if I love this album like I love people: not for a specific trait, but the indivisible whole that is made up by those traits. I recognize that isn't very helpful to you as a prospective listener, but honestly any attempt to describe this band and this sound is futile. It's sort of art pop, sort of hip-hop, but both labels, even put together aren't really apt descriptions. AOTY even calls it neo-psychadelia, which I think is an awful descriptor too. You truly just have to listen to this one.

15

Carly Rae Jepsen - The Loveliest Time

For an album far better than Emotion this sure got overlooked. I'm pretty sure I'm yet to see a year-end list that contained this album, and that is frankly a disgrace. The album has a particular warmth about it that remains as the album traverses conventional acoustic dance pop sounds and thumping electropop seamlessly. I've seen it called a b-sides collection, but I think it'd be more accurate to refer to it as a sequel to The Loneliest Time because calling it a collection of songs does a disservice to the cohesion this album has. If I weren't told otherwise I would have fully believed that this was the initial tracklist. In fact, the only hint I have that this is anything other than an album birthed from the same conditions as any other is the strange dip in quality in the last couple of tracks, tracks which feel strangely unfocused, meandering, and uninspired for what was otherwise an incredibly streamlined listen, thematically speaking. That's also the sole reason this album isn't in the top ten or possibly even top 5 for me.

14

shame - Food for Worms

This, for me, is one of those albums where, when you haven't listened in a little while, you think your enjoyment with it in the past won't hold up when you get around to it again, only to prove yourself wrong when you get around to it. That sounds like a very specific experience, but I know a bunch of albums and artists just like that, and I'm fairly certain that I've written about the phenomenon before. I think in this case it comes from the fact that they don't really have a particularly unique sound, but they make up for it with their impeccable execution and variety. There isn't an inch of indie rock ground that doesn't feel covered expertly here, which makes for an enjoyable experience, but not a lasting impact, at least for me. If shame can cement an identity with their next album, I think they could really begin to stand out in a crowded British indie rock/post-punk scene.

13

Danny Brown - Quaranta

Spoilers: Danny Brown makes 2 appearances on my list this year. His first, is for Quaranta. Having grown to appreciate that alienating intonation, I was far more able to respect that it helps Danny to stand out in a mix while also lending itself to a feeling that he is an obtrusive, unignorable outsider, which isn't so true anymore, but it does lend the album a certain fun aesthetic. That being said, the moments where it is absent, in my opinion, are more powerful and definitive for the album. When he tones it down or strips it back entirely, it tells you, along with the lyrics, that this is a more reflective Danny Brown.

I'll need more time with the album before I'm able to describe my thoughts more coherently, but I really enjoyed it and have no reservations about it's placement on this list.

12

The Japanese House - In the End it Always Does

There is a great deal of texture on this album, and that texture is cotton wool. The type that is warm and cozy and not the least bit itchy. I've said before that it's almost like an album from The 1975 that is entirely uninterested in spectacle and is only interested in catchiness as a secondary factor, instead opting to draw you in and create a sense of intimacy. Where The 1975 point at the layer of abstraction between you and the band, the one that makes them more symbols than people, painting it all these fancy colours and making it ornamental, The Japanese House attempts to remove it altogether, and for a second you'd be forgiven for thinking that the lives and experiences described in these songs are your own. I've tried to communicate this throughout this write-up, but to be very clear and explicit: this is not a derivative copy of The 1975. It has similarities, partially on account of the fact that the band's drummer produced the album, but the album is more defined by it's differences to their labelmates' efforts than it's similarities.

11

slowthai - UGLY

I really liked this album, and there's little point in denying that but I don't really feel like praising it on account of the allegations. Moving on.

10

Dispirited Spirits - Redshift Blues

Redshift Blues is a jazzy midwest emo concept album using various astronomical concepts and events as a metaphor for what appears to be a strained relationship. I say "what appears to be" because between the astronomy references and just general sesquipedalianism, this album is a difficult one to unpack logically. Emotionally though, it's all right there, easy to understand. You don't need to understand the concept of redshift to pick up on the fact that there is a longing in the vocals, and space or angst in the instrumental. That's what makes this one special for me. There is so much feeling that you can latch onto right away, but there is so much to comb through lyrically and learn about in the process that no matter what you're looking for from this type of music, you're likely to get it. It's a very underrated album, just by virtue of having little attention paid to it, so moreso than with any other album on this list, give this a listen if it sounds like your thing. It'd most likely genuinely help the artist here.

9

McKinley Dixon - Beloved! Paradise! Jazz!?

I quite liked McKinley Dixon's last effort, For My Mama and Anyone Who Look Like Her, but I felt as though it wasn't drawing me in that much, which made it feel a little less special to me. That (subjective) problem doesn't exist on his more recent effort. The eponymous jazz elements make this album stand out, not because they exist per se - there are plenty of hip-hop albums that implement jazz to some degree - but the way the genres feed off eachother here make for some immaculate vibes. It also helps to sell the theme of beauty in difficult situations, combining arguably the most widely aesthetically appreciated genre of jazz and hip-hop which is generally seen as the favoured artistic medium of those who are often discriminated against and impoverished. It's a beautiful sound that passively instills hope, and it's the driving force behind this album for me, although far from the only thing worth appreciating.

8

Olivia Rodrigo - GUTS

This album, for me, is Olivia Rodrigo earning and cementing her fame and adoration, and preparing to create her legacy within pop music. If you'll forgive a quick tangent, I heard Matty Healy say that "there is a big market of music for people who don't like music". Now, the guy is a prick, but I think that quote is a banger, and I bring it up here, because I think one of the big things that makes Olivia Rodrigo so special is her ability to toe that line. Vampire is a great example, you can hear that on the radio, and barring the awful censoring of the term "fame-fucker" to instead say "dream-crusher", it doesn't feel out of place. And yet, you can pay close attention to it and pick out amazing details, and get that effort repaid in the form of more enjoyment, not just in the moment, but in the now recontextualized listens on the radio, or in stores. She is clearly passionate about music, and passionate specifically about the music she makes too, but she's also making music for people who don't like music at the same time, which is a rare crossover to achieve on this level.

This is a very interesting album, and I feel like I could pick something new to talk about with every listen for years, but what's most important is that the music is good, and if great pop with rock elements sounds like something that could interest you, this one won't disappoint.

7

Genesis Owusu - STRUGGLER

Another album that is difficult to describe, because I love making my job harder on myself. I would hesitantly call it something like dance-punk or something along those lines if forced to, but despite the fact that this doesn't come across as incredibly experimental or genre-bending, there are elements of so many very different genres within it that it's hard for me to pinpoint. It's almost as if it's not genre-bending, but instead a whole new genre all of its own, as useless as a genre of exactly one album is. The traces of dance, grimey hip-hop, alt-rock, funk, and many others don't read to me as a combination at all outside of my efforts to define it, it's far too cohesive for that. There's no chaos here, just Genesis Owusu's sound. It's cohesive, immersive, and unique, but that's not even my favourite part of this album. My favourite part is the concept (and this is very much a concept album). It tightly deals with the experiences of someone who is up against odds that seem undeniable as they grapple with hopelessness, defiance, and laissez-faire acceptance, and all of it feels believable.

6

Sampha - Lahai

This is the vibiest album I've heard in a long, long time. When I initially listened to this album, I had completely forgotten that Sampha was behind one of my favourite moments on Mr Morale & The Big-Steppers (that being his chorus on Father Time), so while I shouldn't have been surprised by the incredible vocal performance and soothing essence here, I was absolutely swept off my feet all over again. The whole album, to varying degrees, feels reassuring, like an earnest "you got this" or a loved one being there when you need it. There's a calming warmth emanating off of the project that makes it so impactful no matter whether you're listening to the album actively, having a song served up on shuffle, or putting it on in the background.

5

Squid - O Monolith

I love me some art punk, and this album scratches that itch incredibly. Something about the core of Squid's sound feels so existentially anxious at all times, as if they are aware of some vague, unknown apocalyptic event that will occur in just a few years and they opted to channel their feelings of futility into music while they were still here to do so. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if it were true that there were an unknown apocalyptic event right around the corner that sneaks up on us by hiding amongst the many known apocalyptic events, but that's not the point. The point is that the anxious energy they give off suits this punk-adjacent sound brilliantly, and when the themes are punky too, like on my favourite off the album The Blades, it feels so cathartic.

4

Paramore - This Is Why

From pop-punk to post-punk, Paramore have only improved as they've aged thus far. While every other band I loved from this time have strained themselves trying to create something of value by way of hollow experimentation, desperate grasps for popularity, and nostalgia bait, Paramore continue to go in bold new directions, and walk them with a genuine passion, which makes for not just more critical success than the vast majority of their former peers, but also more commercial success. It's a demonstration of their understanding of what gets people interested in new music from bands they love. They know it's not about being on the next big wave anymore or recapturing former glory, fans are already on board now, it's about giving those fans something new while staying creatively authentic and recognizable. We want to see bands express themselves and show us how they've grown, and older acts so often lose sight of one of those things, or occasionally both. Either they refuse to grow, stubbornly wearing the clothes they wore as teenagers as their hair begins to grey, or they start wearing what they think is on trend. But Paramore here, for far from the first time, buck the trend with maturity. It's very refreshing to see.

3

JPEGMAFIA & Danny Brown - SCARING THE HOES

Honestly, with how much I've enjoyed this album, especially towards the end of the year, just calling this my favourite rap album of the year or third favourite album of the year feels a tad sacrilegious, but that should be taken as high praise for the next two albums as opposed to even slight criticism of this album. This is album of the year quality without a doubt, but the competition is strong in my opinion this year.

That said, this album is so easy to come back to that it's verging on addictive. The short runtime, the incredible production, amazing writing (Danny Brown on God Loves You gets verse of the year hands down), perfect flows, and crucially the feeling that none of this should work when all of it does makes me feel like the high I get from this album is impossible to replicate, although JPEGMAFIA's solo work does come close. It's a must-listen for me if for no other reason than that feelings

2

Model/Actriz - Dogsbody

Sexy, depraved, intense, and messy as fuck. This album is BDSM in audio form. It's banger after banger after banger, and there's always a slight tension, a tension that falls between feelings of dread and excitement, the performance straining as if they are leaning themselves over the brink of what they are capable of taking. There's a tangible sense of fear in that as you'd expect, but also a thrill and a pleasure in the knowledge that you are pushing yourself to your limits and giving everything you've got. If it feels like I'm always kind of describing BDSM, it's because 1. it's funny and 2. that just is the sound of the album. It sounds like rough sex. I can't help that. I didn't think industrial rock would be my thing, but it turns out if you add sex it does something for me.

Final note on this album, I just wanted to bring up the most beautifully depraved lyrics I think I've ever heard courtesy of the song Donkey Show:

Oh, you don't have to try to be gentle do it the way you feel right now I know it's hard I feel you rise to the occasion In the black light you know I'm shining for you here

1

underscores - Wallsocket

This one really came out of nowhere. With enough distance from first listen that I can be fairly certain that it's not just recency bias anymore, I'm calling it: Wallsocket by underscores is my album of the year. This was my first foray into hyperpop (if this would be considered hyperpop, idk, I'm new here) and I'm hooked. The nostalgic maximalist sound of 00s pop put through an online outsider filter is such a natural fit for me, as is the indie rock blended into the sound at points on this album, and the weird, unique themes that the album touches, and the fact that there is a story that goes through it... It almost feels like underscores cheated to get recognition from me for some reason, somehow finding out all my musical soft spots and calculatingly targetting them with this album. If it were under 40 minutes I'd feel like when she wrote about stalking that it was about me. Given a little time, this might well end up making my all-time lists. I can't recommend this one highly enough, although that might be more to do with the fact that I like it so much moreso than the feeling that anyone else would like it.

[sebstanseabass]

Afterglow (A Bucky Barnes AU fan fiction) - Chapter 16

Afterglow chapters

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

The sun glared through the thin sheet of the tent, making your listless self stir beneath the blankets draped over your naked body. Cautious not to wake Bucky, who had his arms wrapped around you, you carefully buried your face deeper in his neck but he wasn't that much of a deep sleeper as you thought he would be.

"Good morning, sleepyhead." He said, pulling you closer.

"G'morning." You replied, smiling against his skin. "Have you been awake this whole time?"

"Yes. I didn't want to wake you. You looked so peaceful sleeping."

"Someone tired me out last night."

Bucky chuckled, sending a low vibration on top of your head. "Hmm, how was he?"

"He's pretty good in bed." You chuckled. "But pretty creepy when he refers to himself in the third person."

You stayed right there for another hour — in each other's embrace, in heat, in thin sheets, in profound silence, still taking pleasure in the afterglow of what had transpired last night: the intimacy in each other's skin, of each other's mouths, of each other's everything. A kind of intimacy you never dared share with anyone, not even with your serious ex-boyfriend.

Before the both of you got up and headed down the fire escape and then to the apartment, you had looked at him one last time and asked yourself the same question you had asked Bucky the first time you were here on the rooftop:

"Have you ever felt that kind of feeling?" You asked.

"What feeling?"

"The afterglow feeling."

Was this the kind of afterglow you sought after?

You shook your head, suddenly feeling ridiculous. Perhaps it was the sex; just that. The most amazing, mindblowing sex I ever had in my life, you thought. The more you described it that way while descending down the stairs and entering the apartment through the window (while wearing Bucky's shirt which looked huge on you, by the way), the more you believed it was just because of that. Besides, it was something that had given you sweet, sweet pleasure, something that made me feel like you were high on drugs, something that made you feel alive, something that made you feel things you didn't even know you could — the after of it all, of course, was worth so much more.

You both went straight to the bathroom to wash your faces and brush your teeth as soon as you got in. Of course, you took way more time than he did. He soon went to the kitchen to prep breakfast. You approached him afterwards, his bare back exposed to you while cracking some eggs into a bowl.

Without any hesitation at all, you wrapped your arms around his waist, resting your head on his back. You caught a whiff of his scent, even though he reeked of sex, the vanilla-lavender hint never faded.

"Whatcha cookin', good-lookin'?" You asked, taking a peek on the table.

"I was thinking of making you Japanese omelettes today." He stopped whipping for a second to face you. He placed a finger on your chin, tilting it upwards, and proceeded to kiss me.

"Have I told you you have the softest lips?" He whispered after.

"Yes, you did." You laughed, wrapping your arms around his neck. "And you kept reminding me last night."

"Good. You should be reminded of all the beautiful things you possess." He rested his hands on your hips. You wanted to shy away from the mention of the word beautiful but you didn't.

You have always received compliments, yes, but you never learned how to respond to them unless they tell you how to: "Oh for god's sake, just say thank you." Most people compliment you just because they have to, because social convention dictates them to (especially when you're at a party). Some, perhaps only five percent, genuinely compliment you.

But the spontaneity of last night — all the compliments Bucky kept giving you, all the "beautiful" being said over and over and over, were playing in your head like a broken record. Even after he saw all the folds, the rolls, stretch marks, scars, and acne marks.

It wasn't just that. He admired every single one of your photos down at the bar, photos you worked hard for, photos people kept neglecting. He talked about them like how you imagined someone actually talking about them. He talked to you about the beauty of art like how you wanted to talk to someone about it (Weirdly so, you picked friends you had nothing in common with: Nat just wanted to gossip, Steve preferred to be mysterious, Peter was all about business, Wanda was the one person you could talk to about these but you chose not to anymore, and Nick... was just Nick). It was like reading each other's minds.

You treated each as a compliment.

The five percent you were talking about? Bucky was it.

He pulled you out of your thoughts by sliding his hands to your ass, squeezing the cheeks for a bit, then placing them on the back of your thighs. You smiled then jumped, wrapping your legs around his waist. He placed you on top of the counter next to all the ingredients he had prepared.

He grabbed your face and continued to make-out, leaving the eggs on the bowl raw and unwhisked.

"You should," you said in between kisses, "go back to cooking. I'm starving."

"Y'know, you could just eat me."

"Sorry, I want cooked eggs."

He pulled away from, yet his hands stayed on your waist. With a cute pout on his face, he said: "Mean."

You broke into laughter after that and you watched him cook this Japanese omelette he kept talking about.

"I would make you the most amazing Japanese omelette — and the most complicated one, by the way. It took me months to perfect that — but I'm too lazy to prepare the rice." He chuckled, grabbing an apron. "So, I'm just going to make you the normal one. It's called Tamagoyaki."

"Hmm, interesting." You commented. "I just do mine sunny-side up. Crack an egg on a pan. That's it. It's an underrated hack, really."

He laughed. "It's a good thing I'm here then." He proceeded to heat the pan, and throw some butter on it once the heat was good enough.

"You told me you only know how to cook breakfast, right? Why is that?"

"The same reason why you cook your eggs sunny-side up."

"It's easy?"

"Not just easy." He replied. "It's the easiest of all meals! Toast, eggs, bagels, bacon — see, they're pretty easy."

You frowned, tilting your head. "You know, most times, you say the most profound things but you do say the weirdest, silliest things sometimes."

It was like two people were fighting against each other inside him: the child, and the man.

He laughed at your comment and said nothing further as he concentrated on cooking. You watched him move around the kitchen as the minutes passed by. And while you talked about the small things in life, you couldn't help but wonder how this Bucky, standing right in front of you, kissing you, holding you, was much more different — way more different than the Bucky you knew in Peter's stories.

The thing you liked about it though, was that both versions excited you. You longed for spontaneous adventures, ones that you’d keep forever, ones that would remind you of the days of your youth, ones you too stuck up to do, and you longed for conversations like this, and the ones you and Bucky have had before, conversations that made you see more of life's beauty and appreciate it.

That same afternoon, you spent it lying down on a couch in each other's arms, watching a movie he guilted you into watching: Roman Holiday. You made side commentaries while you watched, how lame the lines were, how cheesy they all sounded, but at the same time, amazed at how things have changed since then.

"Ugh, I love me a vespa." You said, watching the vespa speed away on the streets. "I would just love to ride around New York city in a vespa and just pull off some Roman Holiday in this bitch."

"I have to admit, that does look fun."

And somewhere halfway through the film, when Bucky was making small circles with his finger on your waist (igniting fire within you, and at the same time, making you weak on your knees), you ended up making out, grabbing and touching each other beneath your clothes, and taking them all off, sending them flying all over the living room floor, and repeating what you did last night — except it was in broad daylight and Bucky dominated over you, over and over and over, flesh on flesh. You kept screaming each other's names. He kept fucking you into oblivion, taming the mad woman in you.

You laid there on your back, pulling down his neck with your right hand, making your foreheads touch, locking your eyes together, telling him to go "faster, deeper", digging deep and scratching into his back with your nails, making him hiss out your name, and at the same time, crying out his name repeatedly like a chant, making you forget your own.

You felt the droplets of his sweat on your skin, mixed with your own. You watched him ravish you, watched the pleasure consume him wholly, and watched his eyes roll back as he came inside.

"I really can't get enough of you, babydoll." He growled, and kissed you one last time before you showered and headed down to work.

-

"You look different." Nat observed, sitting on one of the high stools across you. "Did you do something with your face?"

"No, I didn't." You grimaced, shaking your head.

"Then, why are you glowing?"

"Quit staring."

She chose not to listen to you and kept on following you with her eyes as you moved around the counter. "Oh my god, I know what it is — "

"Goddamn it, Nat — "

" — you had sex!"

She cackled, gesturing you towards the booth with a sharp tone: "Booth. Now."

You followed suit. It was crystal clear in that moment that you had no other choice, that she held the upper hand in this friendship. You were starting to think that perhaps this friendship you were pursuing with Nat was a mistake as she kept on berating you about the information she just acquired.

"There's no way in hell I'm telling you all about it." You huffed, sitting across from her.

"I'll tell you one thing, though," she said, "I'm a fucking prophet."

"Don't be such a smug bitch." You rolled your eyes. "No one likes a smug bitch."

"What did I tell you about this Bucky thing, huh?" She smirked, ignoring you. Again. "Come on, spill the beans! I wanna hear everything!"

You shook your head unamused. "Nope. No way."

She groaned. "Please? Nothing exciting is ever happening in this bar but now I have this! You!"

"How about you and Steve humping each other like bunnies?" You bit your inner cheeks to prevent your lips from smiling. "That's gotta be exciting."

"Let's not talk about me and Steve."

"So, it's okay if we talk about my sex life but not yours?"

"Exactly."

You frowned. "You're a weird friend."

"No." She leaned in. "I'm a miracle-worker that happens to be your new best friend, by the way — "

"Parker's my best friend — "

" — and you should at least thank me. I am more than welcome, by the way."

"Nat, if you don't stop I swear to God I'm gonna out you and Steve to the whole ass bar." You groaned, knocking your forehead against the table. Coincidentally, you could actually out them of the closet knowing they were actually doing it in one of the closets here in the bar (yes, you found a condom wrapper lying around one time. Knowing what had transpired in that small space, believe you me, you sprinted the fuck out of there).

"Ugh fine, fine." She said, making you stop banging your head and forcing you to look at her. "Just tell me this... Was it good?"

You rolled your eyes. "Fine, yes, it was good."

"Just good?"

You sighed in defeat, leaning back on the cushioned backrest of the booth. "It was the best I ever had." Nat bit her lip, hiding a squeal. "There. Ya happy?"

"Now, I'm curious! Please, y/n, you have to tell me. I gots to know! Okay, tell me, how big was he?"

"What?! No, I'm not gonna tell you that."

"Come on, I'll trade you Steve's."

"Ew, Nat! Gross!" You cringed. "I don't wanna know that!"

Then, she proceeded to move her hands in the opposite direction slowly, "tell me when to stop." You shook your head and just watched her in plain amusement as she continued to do it. Her jaw dropped. "Oh my god, this big? Seriously?"

"I'm not telling you anything."

"Come on, you told me about the time you kissed!"

"That's different." You scoffed. "This one's... intimate."

"Ooohhh, intimate. Well, I've never heard anyone describe sex that way."

"It was just different, okay? Good different." You replied. "And that's all I'm telling you."

She heaved a sigh, finally accepting the fact that you won't go anywhere past what you just told her. "Okay, at least you gave me something. Do you mind if I ask you something real, though? I swear this is the last time. It's not about sex, I promise."

Convinced, you nodded. "Go ahead."

"So, are you guys dating now? Or is it just, ya know, fooling around?"

You sat there, undoubtedly floored by the question. You had never even given it a thought. It never crossed your mind until Nat just made you realize the consequences of yesterday, last night and this afternoon, the inevitable. Were you dating? Will you ever talk about it? Is he even considering it? Or will you just continue to have sex without ever talking about dating?

"I, uh, I don't know. We didn't talk about it."

"Well, clearly there's gotta be something, right? That it's not just fooling around. I mean you said it was intimate, that it was good different — whatever that means." said Nat. "There's gotta be something deep?"

You looked at Natasha with astonishment, baffled by the things coming out of her mouth. Apparently,you were still on cloud nine to think about any kind of repercussion, to think about what could happen next to afterglow.

"I guess?"

"Do you like him?"

"Clearly, I do."

Unlike Nat, you were stunned by your answer. You answered that question faster than the speed of light.

She smirked at you in response. "You are so gonna fall in love."

"Shut your hole, Nat."

The door flew open suddenly, revealing Bucky and Sam, which got you up your feet. Instinctively and ignoring Nat, you approached him halfway and greeted him with a kiss which he gladly reciprocated, all the things you and Nat just talked about disappearing into this sweet, sweet kiss.

"Hey you." You breathed after pulling away from his lips.

"Hey, babydoll."

"Oh hey, Sam."

"Hey, babydoll." Sam mocked, a smirk playing on his lips. "That's a cute name. What is that? French?"

Bucky smacked his friend on the stomach, making Sam groan and glare at him. "So, it's not French?"

"Sam." Bucky warned which Sam only found funny.

Bucky kept his hand on your waist as you approached the booth, with Sam behind us. Nat, who was still sitting on the booth, cocked her head on the side and eyed Bucky up and down. "Bucky, Sam... This is Nat from the night before." You introduced them to each other before you made them sit in the booth.

"Do you boys want anything to drink?" Nat asked.

"We'll have scotch." Bucky replied, giving Nat a friendly smile. "On the rocks."

"Actually, I don't know how to make drinks, I just asked to be nice."

You rolled your eyes at Nat, laughing lightly. "Don't worry, I got them." You approached the counter and prepared the drinks while Nat followed your trail.

"Babydoll?" She asked. "Steve doesn't even have a nickname for me."

"Okay, I have to ask this since you already did it to me anyway." You said, pouring scotch on the glasses. "Are you and Steve dating? Or is it just, like you said, fooling around?"

"We're friends... with benefits."

"So, just fooling around then?" You asked.

"Yeah, you can put it that way."

"Aren't you worried he might want something more than that? Like a relationship? He does seem like a man who wants to settle, y'know."

"Aren't you worried your new boy toy might want something like that too?"

You fell silent just as you were about to finish the drinks. You weren't worried about that, no. You were worried about you, wanting something more, something you haven't had in a long time, something Bucky hasn't had.

"The chances of me and Steve getting even serious are very slim." She whispered. "But you and Bucky? Now, that's a big fat chance. It doesn't even matter how long you guys have known each other. If there's chemistry, then you can't do anything about it, and the way you described your whole thing with him? Babydoll," she smirked, proud of herself, "if that's not chemistry then I don't know what is."

"As far as I can remember, you're the one who told me to just 'go where the river takes you' and now you're confusing me with these things!" You hissed, looking over at the booth and making sure Bucky won't hear your little banter.

She rolled her eyes at you. "Okay, okay, okay... Allow me to paint you a picture, y/n."

"Paint me a picture — ?"

"Do you know where the river takes you? A waterfall." Nat cut youoff. "Now, right now, you're still on a boat, just gliding through the river, going where the flow takes you. Then some time now, you're gonna hit a fast stream until boom, waterfalls, and when you reach the top of the falls, inevitably, you're gonna fall... fall in love, that is, with the hunky rich man over there. See? Painting a picture. I can be smart too."

You kept Nat's words in the back of your mind until you gave Bucky and Sam their drinks, saving them for later. Nat had to go out for a while to smoke outside, leaving you, Sam and Bucky in the booth, discussing the project you had with Sam's line, updating you with all the dates and details. Seeing as you'll soon be leaving the bar by the end of the week, you offered to start first thing next week.

"But I could actually give you a little pitch presentation just before we start shooting," you added, "idea decks we can work with, like styles, and some mood boards that fit your whole apparel aesthetic. But first, I need to know your brand bible, like your target audience, the tone of your business — stuff like that — just so I can prepare for the presentation."

"Wow, you know a lot about the business industry." Sam replied, amused.

"I used to major in business and finance." You sighed. "It does come in handy with my photography."

Under the table, Bucky reached for your hand, interlacing your fingers together and squeezing your hand three times which elicited a smile.

"Oh, I can give you a tour!" Sam enthusiastically said. "We can go to the office and to some of the stores; maybe the one in Fifth Street. We've actually received the shipment for the new designs. We could discuss everything then. How does tomorrow sound? Bucky can come with ya."

"Tomorrow works, yes! Tomorrow's perfect." You agreed.

You broke out in a smile, leaning on Bucky's side who was more than glad to see you discussing with Sam about the project, squeezing you hand once more, three times.

"Then, it's settled!" Sam boomed. "Now, where's the toilet? I think I got a little too excited."

You threw you head back, laughing. "Right down the hall over there." You pointed.

As soon as Sam was gone, Bucky turned towards you and held your face with his hands, planting a soft kiss on your lips. "You sound so hot talking like that."

You chuckled, sliding closer towards him, your thighs brushing past each other. "You and your weird mind, Bucky I swear to God."

With his lips pressed on yours, you didn't even notice the door open, didn't even notice Steve walk in. You pulled away, hearing Steve clearing his throat. With your hands still on Bucky, you turned towards Steve, who was clearly entertained, and sent him a huge smile.

"H-hey, Rogers." You chuckled nervously. "You remember Bucky."

"Mr. Barnes." Steve nodded at Bucky.

"Mr. Rogers."

You frowned at their formal exchange. "Bucky's actually here with his friend, Sam Wilson. I'm starting a project with him for his business that'll start next week. We were just, uh, discussing the details."

"In his mouth?" Steve smirked.

"Steve." You hissed. "Not cool, man."

"So, where's this Sam Wilson?" Steve asked, looking to his right.

"On your left."

Steve turned around on his left at Sam's voice. Both men stared at each other for a while before introducing each other and shaking each other's hands. Weirded out, you turned to Bucky and asked if they knew each other, if the three of them knew each other (as you now remembered that time when Bucky and Steve met here in the bar).

Bucky shook his head no. "Maybe he's just one of those familiar faces you see on the street." He whispered, but as Steve went straight to his office, and as Sam got back in the booth, a weird tension surfaced that was cut off by Nat entering the bar, together with some customers who were more than happy to be the first ones here.

"That's my cue." You sighed, standing up and letting go of Bucky's hands before going to the counter and greeting the customers.

You felt your phone vibrate against your back pocket after a few seconds. You opened it, and on the screen was a message from Peter:

Sorry couldn't get to you sooner. Lost my charger on the way to the cabin! Schmidt didn't want me to borrow his until I did everything he told me to. Everything's great! I'll send you pictures when I can.

Hope Bucky's taking good care of you. Miss you, y/n. I'll see you in a few days!

Your fingers hovered on the screen as you glanced at Bucky who caught your eyes. He winked at you while taking a sip from his drink and licked his lip afterwards, eyeing you up and down.

Tell Schimdt I'll beat his ass when he comes back. See you in a few days, Parker!

A series of what happened between you and Bucky flashed in your mind, making you bite your lip.

And don't worry, Bucky's taking good care of me.

... such good care.

[go-diane-winchester]

Cockles vs J2 Tinhats

Someone tagged me in a post with a gif of Jensen smacking Misha in the crotchel region in last year's gag reel.  You know the one.  Apparently, it is supposed to be proof of Cockles.  The person who tagged me ships destiel and cockles.  She put a smiley face next to the tag, and she followed me, which might mean she is trying to be friends.  Not sure.  Well hello hun.  Thanks for tagging me.  I don't know what the purpose is.  Maybe you want me to see what you see.  Hunny, I know what cockles is.  I am familiar with tinhatting and I am fairly thick-skinned about it.  So unless you take the hatty stuff to the actors, I have problem with you...the cockles tinhats actually do tweet hatty things to the actors.  Hmm, not cool. 

This will be a good opportunity to examine both Cockles and J2 tinhat theories.  And why that clip is not proof of cockles for me. Just for fun. 

Jensen and Misha

As a lead, Jensen is contracted to be in every episode.  Misha, a guest star, is only in a few episodes per season.  This means that these two actors don't get to spend a massive amount of time with each other unless they are working.  Misha lives, to the best of my knowledge, in Bellingham.  Jensen used to live in California, but moved to Austin.  Jensen usually does only one panel per year with Misha.  Jibcon.  If it weren't for conventions, they would spend even less time with each other.  If you love some one and you are a lead, wont you ask for more panels with that person.  Yes, I know someone will that they don't do more than one panel because the evil bronlies will complain.  Hunny, if they cared about fans throwing a tantrum, Misha would have been off the show the minute Jensen received a death threat from hellers.

Misha and Jensen have no common interest.  Jensen loves watching sports, playing golf, listening to rock music, playing the guitar and singing.  Misha likes, cycling, carpentry and Tibetan throat singing.  They have nothing in common.  If you like someone who has different interests than you, wouldn't you try to learn more about their interests and join them in pursuing their interests.  Jensen and Misha also don't have complimentary personalities.  Jensen doesn't swear on stage.  Misha is foul mouthed.  Jensen doesn't make overtly sexual remarks.  Misha is very vulgar on stage.  They outlook on the art of acting is also starkly different.  Jensen has a love for his craft, whilst Misha has confessed to not having a particular knack or passion for acting.   

According to tinhats, Cockles are happily marreid to their respective wives but all four of them have orgies together.  Of course, there are variations to this theory.  When cockles tinhats are asked what proof they have for how they feel, they say:

Jensen laughs at Misha's jokes [and its a unicorn laugh apparently]

They mention Jibcon, where they claim Jensen got drunk and flirted with Misha on stage. 

Jensen and Misha are flirty with each other, caressing each other's cheeks. 

Jared Padalecki is proof of cockles because he ships it the most and gives clues to what is going on between Jensen and Misha. 

They share shirts. 

The crux of Misha's first impression of Jensen [from an earlier con]: 

‘He actually seemed standoffish, when I first met him.  As I got to know him, however, I realized that he really is standoffish.’

Jared and Jensen

Jared and Jensen are the leads.  They spend nine months out of the year working with each other.  They have worked together nonstop for the past 13 years and counting.  They also live down the road from each other in Austin.  They used to live together and were best men at each other's weddings.  Their children go to the same school and call dad's friend ''uncle''.  Tom is Jensen's greatest fan and Jared regrets not being there for the birth of ''Birdie'' [JJ].  They have an extended family situation.  Despite spending all their time together, they also go on holidays together.  They are both middle children, both have an older brother and younger sister, grew up in Texas, love country music and sports.  Jared plays the guitar in his trailer everyday and, according to Jensen, he is very good.  Jared joins Jensen to play golf although he admits he is not very good at it. 

Jared doesn't swear on stage.  He did once, by accident, but he was mortified and apologized.  He makes goofy jokes, not vulgar ones.  Jensen admires Jared's rendition of white suit luci but to date hasn't really said anything truly about Casifer.  He did laugh at the Empty!Cas voice though.  So Jensen admires Jared's acting efforts.  It wasn't the first compliment he paid to Jared's acting abilities.  He hasn't done the same for Misha's work as Castiel.  Jared helped Jensen with the construction work for the FBBC.  When Jared got sick at Jib a few years ago, Jensen took to the stage and sang a song because being Jared's emotional support.  The next year or so, he sang the song again on Saturday night, with Jared watching teary eyed.  That same year Jensen hugged Jared in the closing ceremony.  The year after that, Jensen hugged and sang Wayward to Jared in the hallway after the closing ceremony.  When he broke down, he hugged Jared many times, but when Misha tried hugging him, Jensen said ''don't''.    

According to J2 tinhats, J2 have been married to each other since season four ish.  Genevieve signed a contract to be Jared's wife, and Danneel was just helping out her friend Jensen.  J2 are the parents of six children.  There are variations to this theory too.  When asked for proof of their feelings, J2 tinhats say the following:

Jared wiped his snotty nose on Jensen's sleeve.

Jared called his drink and dinner with Jensen #datenight on Twitter.

When someone called Sandy [Jared's ex-girlfriend] his beard, she liked the comment.

When Travis spent his entire panel talking about how in love J2 are, he got pulled out of the next con. 

For Jared's honeymoon, he went on a group trek up Machu Pichu and slept in a tent, and for Jensen's honeymoon, Danneel's brother Gino went with them.   Both were delayed honeymoons. 

Jared wore Jensen's underwear.

The crux of Jared's first impression of Jensen [from a recent afternoon panel]:

'He and I had so much in common.  It didn't feel like a blind date.'

I don't tinhat, but I don't blame the J2 tinhat.  The Cockles tinhats don't seem to have compelling info, and they take the hatting to the stars.  That is not cool. 

As far as the gag reel goes, smacking someone in the crotch area is not a sign of affection.  It is horseplay.  Its pranking.  Jared fondles Misha in the crotch area.  Misha barreled into Richard, landing on top of him.  Its not a big deal, and its certainly not sound evidence of anything other than boys being boys.  Enjoy your hatting, but leave the actors alone and don't go out of your way to pull people into your circle.  But the J2 tinhats don't do that?  As far as I know. 

Forgive all typos.  Insomnia sucks!

[mcors]

A Sickle Cell Child

by Hertz Nazaire

Just coming back from the 46th Annual National Convention for the Sickle Cell Disease Association of America, Inc. (SCDAA).

On Friday, October 12, from 1:30 pm – 3:00 pm for the Lonzie Lee Jones Patient Advocacy Symposium. We played an educational version of Hollywood Squares, everyone was having a good time happy, laughing, and smiling. 

We all know how heavy the Sickle Cell topic can be for all of us touched by this pain.

A fellow Warrior in the audience stood up at the end and gave us all a shock to the system.

A reminder that this pain runs very deep and everyone is trying very hard to find a way to erase it from existence. 

What she had to say comes from a line of talk, that we hear often. How to stop a child with Sickle Cell Disease from ever being born. Many people push hard for couples to get tested and knowing their status. But some people feel strongly that none of us who have the Sickle Trait or Disease should ever have sex and hells no on having a child.

So sitting there on stage with a group of successful adults and young people who have been standing against this pain all of their lives and still finding their gifts through hard effort. I felt drained.

I spoke out loud, not to reply to the beautiful young lady saying these things, but to myself.

I needed to remind myself, that no matter how depressed I get in this life, no matter the hardships I face, I still want to live. I still want to exist. I still have my art to create.

I am really tired of people thinking they have a right to erase my mother's choice. One of the very few things I know about my mother is the fact that she told me that my father wanted her to have an abortion when she got pregnant with me. My mother made a different choice. And I exist in this world because of that choice. A sperm cell is nothing without an egg, and an egg is nothing without that sperm cell but although it take the two. This is a choice that I feel only a woman can make because her body has to carry that life forward, while most men can simply walk away like my father did, like my step-father did.

I had a chance to be a father once. On September 11, 2001. I made love to my girlfriend and we had the chance to bring a life into this world. The thing is, I was not even thinking about her Sickle Cell Trait status. I never really had a chance to think about it, not in this world. Mental Health had more to do with why a choice was made and I never became a father. 

I blame myself even now, that I was not strong enough to guide her through her sadness and tears about the pregnancy. I was still there with her although I wanted to run, I was at that Planned Parenthood office in that waiting room watching 12 year olds making the same choices adults should only make. I was 28 and I thought we could have made a different choice together.

I still feel that this was my greatest failure as a man, I wish I had more money, it is always about MONEY! I loved this girl but honestly in the end I see like most women who enter my life it was about the sex and how long my priapism fueled penis lasted.

I try to give myself some slack, because you have to understand being a male with Sickle Cell is HARD! You have to try so much harder to get a girl to notice you. We try HARD to please the women who enter our lives. I was always the sucker who wrote the love poetry, and got the roses delivered without the need for a holiday. I was a painter so most women I've been around long enough have a portrait I painted to show them they were on my mind.

When you live with Sickle Cell Pain and this pain only has one thing to show you about living in your body. It HURTS! It hurts badly! Then you discover sex and become driven to turn it into an art. I had a long distance girlfriend who called me "Voodoo Dick" she would drive the 5 hours it took to get into my bed when she had time off from work. 

I was young and still pretty stupid and we would have these marathon sex sessions, and because of my Sickle Cell and Priapism, we once went at it for over 8 hours only stoping for short breaks of water. 

Priapism is the worst kind of Sickle Pain a man can have, it takes everything from you mentally.

It crushes you and it can take away your ability to even feel like a man. Sometimes for me these erections came without the pain, I don't know why but I was always grateful because the pain was never a pleasure. At the time I was young and sex was just one of those challenges I had to work harder at than any other male.

Everything in my life takes a huge amount of effort, I have been in love many times. I have also been deeply alone for the past 12 years. Because I love women way too much but I can't be stupid about my efforts any longer. I am still a very sexual creature inside and any woman who enters my life would need to know that about me. Even at 45, my heart may not survive some of the things I did at 25 but I am very intense about all I do. My sexuality is still very intense and focused on art creation. Anything you can't put all your effort into is just not worth doing for me.

Women have told me in the past that I am too intense, intimidating, or feel they have to walk on egg shells around me. I take them at their word that I am that type of man. I don't enjoy stress, I have been hospitalized enough times over needless drama. Fighting for your life in an ICU just because someone does not understand that picking a fight just to stress you out is not a healthy way to show love.

I've been abused enough in my life, I don't want to be an abuser when all I want is someone to love and share my days with me. Not all my days will be pain free. Nothing in my life is painless, I am surrounded by eggshells so you'll need to learn how to walk on a minefield. I don't avoid something because it's hard. I want to use my energy and effort in the best and most efficient way possible. 

We are all going to die someday none of us is immune from Death is is our fate. But we have to learn to respect that all lives should have that chance to exist and go through that process we call Life.

Having to hear that someone's purpose in life is to find the most efficient way to make sure others with my genetic make up no longer exists in this world is deeply hurtful to me. I understand the problem life with Sickle Cell is really hard, I know this, I'm living that life.

I just don't understand your rejection of the efforts it took for me to still be here standing in the same space and breathing the same air you breathe. 

Spend all the effort you want on Sickle Cell Trait education to avoid more lives of hardship like mines. My personal feelings are your efforts are misguided.  The answer is not how to wipe us out of existence so you can get rid of a pain disease that is hard for you to look at. A life is a life. 

My life is providing this world with a challenge I understand that, but I have no choice but to live this life and fight for my own existence. I want to survive because my brain has the awareness that my life matters even when it is painful to live that life. It still matters that I am here. I understand I am not the best man or mate for anyone to fall in love with.

But instead of trying to get rid of people like me, should the effort not be on how to make my life better? How to end my painful moments, how to help me carry out my purpose?

If I was born brain-dead I would not want to be here, I would not even be aware that I wanted to live or even what the concept of life means. My brain is aware that I exist. Most of my body still functions well enough for a decent life. In fact I know I am having a far better life than most who never have to face the challenges of Sickle Cell Disease. Many are born into terrible conditions of existence surrounded by war, hatred, and deep poverty. A suffering that no human should go through. Yet no one is staying let's educate the world about stoping these people from being born into these conditions. No they recognize that the condition is the problem not the life living it. The condition should be the focus. 

We are buying into an idea where we are saying these people should not have been born. I know some in this world think I should never have been born because I am Black. Simple as that! Now we are giving them the excuse of Sickle Cell Disease to wipe us out? Because Sickle Cell is Hard? Hard on who? On them?

Educate people to make their choices all you want. I have spoken to a few mothers who had to make that choice when they found out they were pregnant and found out both the man and woman have the sickle cell trait. They wanted to know about my life so far.  I told them of all my hardships and challenges. And they made a choice based on my experience. 

Yet my challenges, all came from the fact I only knew my mother for about 5 years of my life.  She died when I was 13 and I did not start to live with her until I was about 8. Educate these people with compassion, do not teach them that there is only one acceptable choice or one moral choice based on your life experience. Not everyone is ready to be a parent, and not everyone should be a parent regardless if Sickle Cell plays a role in that choice.