#i don't find the same joy in my job anymore and i'm starting to really loathe it

[girltomboy]

Taking better care of myself

I am a bit disappointed with how I've been treating myself lately. Like, I care for myself and everything in terms of hygiene, nutrition, rest, etc., but I honestly could be more responsible and conscious. For example, I'm very very behind on my chores, and they keep piling up and I'm extremely overwhelmed because I don't know where to start now. There's something to pick up and fix in every single corner of my apartment, but after I finish work I just want to savor my few hours of freedom and I start doing something else or I go out. I could maybe ask my bf to help me clean one weekend, but then again... the number of hours we have together is actually not so large, etc. Plus I'm bad at chore distribution because I'm too used to doing everything myself. But I should perhaps not overthink this.

Another issue is MY BODY! I'm staying up late, my posture is abysmal while I work, I don't stretch and other than trying to take a walk every evening I don't move much either. I try to eat balanced and healthy but I feel I've been overdoing fast food; I used to have it like once a week and lately I've been having it more often than that. I also eat snacks and sweets, and I'm noticing some weight gain that's not significant but to me it's noticeable because I'm not used to it and it's kind of throwing me off. I'm trying not to make a thing out of it and slip back into my old habits. And smoking is another enemy I'm making, although I'm trying to be aware of that and not let it grow. I used to smoke 🍃 only on weekends and maybe days off last year, but I've started to do it on weekdays now and then, and I really don't like how it's making me feel. I've been cutting back on that. Other than that there's the occasional social cigarette which I guess existed in the past too, but now that I go out more and everyone I hang out with smokes, I've started to feel the need to do it just to have something to do with my hands, or if I have a drink. AND I've also been drinking which I never do. Nothing wild, like once a week 1-2 glasses of wine, or a beer, or 1-2 shots. I only have my coworkers to blame for this because they're really heavy on the pressure, and I used to be adamant about my boundaries, but recently I feel like I won't have fun if I don't drink. Which is completely asinine. I think I need to get back into having stronger boundaries and discipline.

Some more poison I torture my body with is constant screen time. If I'm not working in front of the laptop I'm on my phone, and if I'm not on my phone I'm on my personal laptop, like right now (it's so nice to type on lol). I miss those days where I'm so caught up in stuff that I forget or don't need to check my phone all day. I haven't had one of those in a long time, but I'm planning to. Being with my boyfriend helps too. I also want to get back into reading, I've even managed to arrange all of the books I have here on a shelf on my balcony. Very soon it's going to be a whole year since I started reading a book and never finished it lmao. That saddens me a lot, but I'm determined to finish it before its 1 year anniversary.

On the positive side, the weather is getting nicer and warmer everyday, days are getting longer and I wish I could be outside all day long! I try to avoid thinking about that because I get extremely hopeless at having zero time for myself because of my job. I seriously believe it's at the root of most of the issues I described here. But I live for the warm evenings, the weekends, and summer plans!

[nyrasbloodyclover]

hypnotic (kai anderson x reader)

cw: breeding kink, eating disorder (it's really really bad), mommy issues, mentions of suicide, parental abuse, cults, kai is his own warning really, murder, overstimulation

a/n: if you're not into this pleaseeeee leaveeeeee i don't want tumblr to delete my blog again. also you can read this fic on ao3 if you'd like, link is in my pinned post. and if, by any chance, you relate to this i am so sorry.

What I wanted right now, was to get out of my house, go anywhere, just so I could stop listening to constant fighting and screaming from my parents. I couldn't bear it anymore. I had one year until college but it seemed impossible to survive that long. 

"Oh, look who locked herself in her room!" My mother bursted in and a pit started forming in my stomach. I didn't move. "When are you going to start being useful? You're in here all the time, you could start paying rent." 

Now, what was I supposed to say to that? If I told her that the reason I spent all my time in my room was because they wouldn't stop screaming at each other and I would just be their punching bag, she wouldn't listen and the situation would only get worse.

"Or maybe it's time for you to find a job. Now you're just living like a parasite." I stared. My mother was a very complex character. I think she would be capable of pulling Gone Girl on us. She has the mentality. Just saying.

My father on the other hand, he's weak. Or she made him weak. I don't remember the last time he stood up for himself. He's tired, I can see that clearly. I just wish they would get a divorce. It's so draining to wake up everyday and live in fear that your every move is going to be a mistake, something to criticize. 

I don't remember the last time I felt truly at peace, but I could afford myself distractions. That's how I ended up scrolling through Tumblr 12 hours per day and forgetting to eat because the skinny girls I came across were just so pretty. Food was my enemy. We couldn't stand each other. And the guilt simply because of eating was the worst feeling ever.

Empty is pretty. And I wanted to look pretty, so I starved. It was my sport. It still is. The joy of seeing my hipbones and ribs after some time was indescribable. I loved to lay awake at night and touch my bones, feel them as I tried to fall asleep. Of course, there were many times when I just couldn't take it anymore and I binged. I would regret it immediately and restrict even more.

"Alright. I'll find a job." I stared at her with empty eyes. I was dizzy, almost like I got drunk. She exited the room and slammed the doors behing her. I think I'm never going to fully understand her.

I stared at my ceiling, having no energy to move, even though I had unfinished assignments hanging above my head, screaming at me to do them, but I just wanted to sleep. School can wait. I think my red lipstick was smudged, but I had no energy to take it off. My hair was a mess, too. I tried to straighten it but my natural waves were too stubborn. I fell asleep.

A week passed. My life stayed the same except for my new job at the restaurant—The Butchery On Main.

The two sweet women who own it were kind enough to let me work even though they don't employ people under eighteen. I worked mostly after my school, until the closing. I didn't mind since I got to leave the house and get a break from my parents. 

People were nice, I took their orders, served their food. The restuarant was mostly empty during my shifts, but nonetheless it was almost hard, working with food. All those calories around me made me want to puke. And I wasn't much of a puker. I had the urge to binge. It was disgusting. But I wasn't going to throw all my work out of the window just like that. 

I had my diet coke and if I got hungry Ivy said that I could eat whatever I wanted, and I wanted cucumber. With pepper. They had those.

Today, I had much free time so I was just sitting at one of the tables and doing my homework while scrolling through Tumblr and eating freshly peeled cucumber with some seasoning on top. I was thriving. I was almost happy. It seemed impossible.

The door opened. A man walked in. He was dressed in black from head to toe and what stood out the most was his blue hair with grown out roots. He walked like he owned the building and everyone in it. I immediately stood up, while he was pulling out his chair, fixing my uniform. I let him read through the menu for a couple of seconds and then decided to approach.

"What would you like to order?" I smiled. I was nice. I am always nice. Why hasn't he looked at me yet? Why is he ignoring my presence? His head was bowed down until he raised it and I was met with black pools that stared at me, or rather through me. I felt dizzy and it wasn't the diet.

"Surprise me," he cocked his head, "I would love to see what you liberals like to eat the most. Maybe it'll make me change my political views."

"Al..right," I dragged on, "Is that all?"

"Yes," he replied.

"Everything will be done in a minute." I wanted to get away from him, as soon as possible. He was probably some Trump obsessed republican who's most likely to tell me to make him a sandwich. Which I am practically doing right now. But I couldn't deny it - He had a beautiful face. I wouldn't consider him that attractive if it weren't for his dead, piercing eyes that silently commanded you to obey every one of his rules. 

The food was ready. I had a feeling I would fall on my face next time I locked my eyes with his, which wasn't good. I didn't even know his name! Rachel, one of the cooks, handed me the best steak they had, house's special, "Who is it for?"

I didn't dare look at him. "The one with the blue hair. Just please don't stare. He's creeping me out."

Her eyes went wide, "That's Kai Anderson."

I looked at her blandly. The name didn't mean anything to me.

"You seriously need to watch more television."

"I'm fine, thanks. And if he's some menatlly deranged politician, then I'm not really missing out."

All the politics drained me, and don't get me wrong, I loved to be informed, but when I had to argue with someone about basic human rights, I'd rather not know anything.

I walked over to his table, and put the food on it. "I hope you're not vegan. Either way, enjoy your food." I kept my eyes everywhere, just not on him. He was so unsettling. I had to get away.

"I certainly will," he said and I walked away without a second glance. Jesus Christ, his mere presence was intense.

My shift ended in half an hour and that's when the restaurant was supposed to close. Ivy left early because of some family emergency, so she asked me to close and lock everything for her. I changed into my regular clothes—denim skirt and a white button down with my favorite black sweater, docs and a pair of knee socks. I untangled my hair and tried to brush it out with my fingers.

The tables were empty. Well, mostly. So-called Kai Anderson was still here, not even eating, just looking at some papers and flipping them over, for a while now.

I needed some extra balls to approach him and ask him to leave. Why did I accept to be the last one here? I could've been home by now, sleeping or watching a sitcom, but instead I'm stuck in this building with the strangest and the scariest man I've ever met. But then again, If I were home, my mother would be screaming at me. So I guess it's a win? Also I had to thank Kai for occupying my mind and not letting me think about food. I seriously needed to go to bed before I ended up eating something. Or worse- binging. I think I had less than 200 calories today which is a sign that I am slowly approaching danger zone. It isn't a diet anymore. I can't eat normally. I thought I could go back, but I guess my body won't let me. Or was it my mind?

"Miss?" Someone waved before my eyes.

"Yes? Sorry." Kai was standing beside the table that I occupied. 

"Are you closing soon?"

Should I lie? But then again, he isn't stupid. "Yes. Do you want to pay?"

"Oh no. I already did. I just wondered what occupied your mind that much." He had no idea.

"Nothing much. Just tired I guess. Can't seem to balance school and work."

"Ah. You see," he sat across me, "I don't believe you."

"Okay? I didn't try to be persuasive."

He smirked. Dear God, why was he so creepy but so hot at the same time?

"I still want to know what made you zone out for that long." Has he been staring at me the whole time?

"That's creepy. I don't even know you."

"What's that got to do with anything? I just asked you to tell me what's been botherung you. You looked fucking stressed."

"It really doesn't matter." I just wanted him to leave. 

"Wait. Here, I'll give you..." he reached into his  back pocket, "Fifty bucks if you tell me."

My lips curved. Come on, you can't blame me. Extra cash at my age isn't something you just don't accept.

"Ah! I knew it," he smiled, "Come on, doll, speak."

"It isn't anything interesting. My mom is just being a bitch, nothing unusual." I gave him the least I could and snatched the cash from his hand.

"She isn't letting you sleep over at your boyfriend's or something?" He laughed like I had the dumbest reason for not liking my mother.

"Not really. She just...Wants too much, I guess? And I'm not able to give her that." It felt weird saying that out loud. I think I never said it.

He stared at me for a second.

"I want to show you a trick." He put his right hand on the table. "Don't worry. It's something me and my older brother always used to do when we were little."

He reached with his pinky finger over to my hand. We locked fingers like we were making a pinky promise. 

"This is weird. And please hurry. My shift ends in fifteen minutes." 

"We have enough time. Okay, listen. Pinky power. Once the skin contact is made, no lies can be told and whatever we say, stays between us," he narrowed his black eyes, "Trust me, if you lie, I will know. Ready?"

When did I agree to this? Well, fuck it, I'll do it anyway.

"Do you love your family?" He asked, his expression serious.

"Yes." His mouth twitched.

"Do you like your family?"

"Absolutely not." I shook my head.

"Why is that?" 

How do I explain this to him without sounding like a total maniac? "My father is weak, he doesn't know how to stand up for himself. And my mother screams at me for merely existing. Her favorite hobby is emotionally draining me, then pulling my hair or slapping me because she feels like it. She regrets having me. I think she wants me to kill myself. It would be easier to have a dead daughter." My mind went blank. I felt nothing in that moment. Whatever he asked, I was going to tell him.

"Did you ever try to kill yourself?," he asked with a flat voice.

I thought for a second. Should I tell him the whole truth? He said he's going to know if I lie, but that doesn't mean...

"Don't think too much." His eyes went dark while I was literally choking under pressure of his gaze.

"No. I was never suicidal. I like living. But I..." words were stuck in my throat, "I...Sometimes, she would starve me. Saying I didn't deserve it. I had no money to buy something to eat. So I made a game out of it. I developed a disorder. It was the only thing I had some control over. I started it out of spite, but now it's real. It's worse than ever. But I don't want to stop."

His expression never changed. Not once. "Do you hate your mother for that?"

"You have no idea."

"I think I do have some idea about hating one of your parents. So, from experience, I need to ask you one more question."

I nodded. "Have you ever dreamt about killing her?"

I wanted to pull back from him, but his hand wouldn't let me. He pulled me even closer. "We can't break the contact," he gritted through his teeth.

"I know, I know, I'm sorry," I exhaled, "Yes. And no."

"Elaborate." 

The restuarant was silent. I couldn't even hear the sound of cars outside. Lights were practically out. 

"I...I wanted her dead. But I don't think I would be able to do it. I had a," I inhaled, "A fantasy about someone killing her while I watched. It's so fucked up, but I just couldn't help it. It brought me relief that she was gone and someone cared enough to get rid of her for me." 

I was scared to look at him. He was going to call the mental ward and lock me there. I was fucked. Why did I tell him all of that? 

I looked up.

He was smiling. It wasn't a sympathetic smile, or a sad smile, or anything similar to that. He was grinning like a maniac. He released my hand and I realized my eyes were filled with tears. I blinked them away. 

He shook his head with closed eyes, "You're perfect. Perfect."

My voice was low, weak. "What? How could you think that after what I just told you?"

"Don't ask too many questions. I have a solution for you because I know you're destined for greater things. Tell me, do you wish to never be under your mother's thumb again?"

"I mean, yes? That's going to be when I turn eighteen, so I have to be patient."

He laughed. "Oh, no, baby, no. She's never going to let you go. She'll suffocate you until there is nothing left but a shell. No matter the age or what the law says, you'll always be controlled. While she's alive, at least."

"What are you saying?"

"Do you want my help? Do you wish to be finally free?"

This was so fucked up. I never met this man in my life. Why was he offering me help?

"What's in it for you?"

He cocked his head, "I get to keep you by my side."

My mouth was dry. I was scared, but...excited. Thrill rushed down my body as this psychopath was staring at me, offering me a sick escape. I was supposed to say no. I was supposed to save my soul.

"Yes."

"Yes, what?"

"I want your help."

He looked so happy, it made me happy.

"Good. Then, we're leaving now." I was hypnotized by him. I just nodded, not asking where or why, my mother taught me I shouldn't get in the cars with strangers, especially men, but my mother was also the reason for many of my problems. I'll do something that'll piss her off.

I got into Kai's car and shut the door. I was okay with the fact that he might end up killing me.

He said nothing for the most of the ride, but I noticed him glancing over at my skirt that rose up to my thighs. I didn't bother pulling it down. I mean, I wore mini skirts for a reason, right?

I pretended not to notice as I looked at my reflection in the closed window. Hollow cheeks, red lipstick, pale face. I was obsessed. I always wanted to look like a corpse with make up. My face was perfect, lipstick untouched, mascara a little smudged, dark circles under my eyes from sleepless nights. 

"You know you could eat a burger." I looked at him. I almost wanted to hug him. His words made me feel proud, like I achieved something big. And I guess I did.

"Really? Do you know that you're the first person ever to tell me that?" I felt weird happiness in my chest. 

"Well, yeah. Why do you look so surprised? I didn't mean it as a compliment. You have a problem. I'm not even sure it's supposed to be a compliment." He frowned, not taking his eyes off the road.

"It doesn't matter if it's supposed to be a compliment or not. Thank you for saying it." I didn't give two fucks if he thought I was some anorexic lunatic that needed years of therapy. I was happy. And he wasn't my parent or my guardian to tell me what to do.

"Just think about it. What's the point of being so skinny? It's not even attractive."

"The point is in being clean. I don't want to see a pound of fat on my body. It's disgusting. And I am to do with my body as I please. I don't give a fuck if someone likes to eat like a fucking pig because It's not my body, and certainly not my problem." I was so angry. Who the fuck he thought he was?

"Just saying. You look sick. And I mean really, really sick."

"I am aware. Like I'm also aware that I'm fucked in the head. And that's the reason for all of this," I gestured over my figure. 

I could feel his anger. He didn't like that I disagreed with him and stood up for myself, even if I was wrong.

"We're here." He suddenly said, getting out of the car. I followed him into the house I guessed was his. The whole neighborhood was silent. Lights were off everywhere. 

We got into his house and I didn't even got to see it clearly because he practically dragged me into his basement and started changing. He put on a black leather coat while looking for something. His phone? He called someone.

"I'm expecting you'll be here in five? Well don't try to make up excuses. This is a perfect opportunity. I don't care— No, drag yourself and your pathetic wife here." He called two more people and I just stood in the middle of the room staring at him. 

"What's your adress?" Was he really doing that now? "You know what, never mind. I found it." I wasn't going to ask him how. He looked like the person who instead of Instagram browsed dark web. 

"Okay, let's go. They're here." I had to ask him because he said nothing about it. I had to be sure.

"Why are we going to my house?"

Beat. A moment. "To kill your mother, of course."

There were other people with us, but I couldn't see their faces because of the creepy clown masks. Kai had one too. I felt like I was drugged. I didn't know what happened to me. I suppose I had enough. I know Kai is not the answer for my problems, at least not all of them. He's going to get rid of her and then what? No. Stop thinking. 

I listened to my brain this time. It was late. My parents were probably asleep. Probably in separate beds. It's going to be easier for Kai and the others to do the job. They kept their mouths shut and I didn't blame them. I still wasn't sure if I was part of this sick cult or whatever it was. I read enough about them to recognize a cult leader when I see one. 

The car suddenly stopped. We were in front of my house.

"This played out so good, little lamb. I knew you were perfect." Kai's voice was muffled under that mask and his words made my heart flutter. He was so sick. "Don't just stand there, baby. Be a good host. Invite us in. Come on," he gestured with one gloved hand towards my house. I felt everyone's eyes on me as I turned my back and started walking towards the door. What did he mean by this playing out good? Did he plan this before? It certainly did not matter.

We got in, doors creaking, but not enough to wake anyone up. My father was downstairs, in the guestroom, but my Satanic mother was in their bedroom. I went first, up the stairs, one by one, they followed me, Kai first, then the rest of them. 

I showed them the doors. 

Kai got in and they followed him. I shut the door behind me. I felt like I was seeing things through someone else's eyes. I didn't feel guilt and I wasn't regretting my decision. I remember everything through a coat of blur. Knives, a lot of them. They killed her in her sleep. Stabbed her too many times, I lost count. Sheets were soaked with red and the room started smelling like iron too. Kai used her blood to draw some sign on the wall that was facing the bed. It looked like a smiley face, but I wasn't sure. The job was done. I was free. I was free of any charges, since I wasn't home when it happened. I was going to sleep in my bed and wake up in the morning, shocked, petrified, screaming for help, calling the police, my father is going to be terrified too, but relieved. He would never admit it thought. 

We were in the car again. Then in front of Kai's house. "Leave. I want some time alone with our newest member."

"Kai, no. You can't drag her into this. She's just a child—" A feminine voice scorned him under her mask.

"Don't tell me what to do, Winter. Now leave," he raised his voice and I flinched. "We have much to talk about." He took off his mask and smiled knowingly at me. I wasn't scared of him anymore, though I knew I should be. He killed my mother for Christ's sake! 

We went into his basement again. The lights were already on and I watched him as he took off his mask and black coat. His shirt was soaked with my mother's blood. 

"What did you want to talk about?" I cocked my head.

"You were so good. I knew you could do it. Next time, maybe you'll even be the one holding the knife. You didn't even flinch!" He paced through the room and laughed, like he was talking to himself.

"You didn't do this for me, did you?"

He stopped, then looked at me, "I already told you. This played out perfectly. And I've been watching for quite some time now," his eyes darkened "When I found out that the woman who's been talking shit about me over her social media had a daughter, I had to see if she was as bitchy as her mother." Oh, so he did this to save his reputation. Of course.

"And," I swallowed, "Is she?"

He didn't answer me. Instead he marched to the other side of the room and pushed me against the wall, slamming his lips on mine. I was out of breath, not being able to process everything. Oh my god, he was kissing me! This insane, sick in the head, narcissistic, 30-something, psychopath was kissing me and I opened my mouth to him like the whore I was. I wanted him to touch me. No, I needed his blood stained hands on me right now. 

I pulled one of his hands and put it on my chest as his tongue continued to explore my mouth. He took off my sweater and shirt. I was left in a black bra and skirt.

"Aren't you scared of being arrested for fucking a minor?"

"I commited far more monstrous crimes than fucking a seventeen year old and you know it, " he breathed into my mouth. Red lipstick was smudged over his lips. His hand that was on my chest slipped under my skirt and found my panties. 

"You know it," his fingers entered me with ease, "And yet, you're still so fucking wet for me." My mouth fell open as he buried his fingers deeper if that was even possible. I wasn't a virgin, but then again, I've never been with a man. I took my own virginity so that I didn't have to bother. 

"Kai—" I breathed. I needed more.

He sat on one of the chairs beside the circular table and pulled me onto his lap, his thigh between my legs. My clit was aching for some king of friction so I started rubbing myself against the rough fabric of his jeans. 

"Aren't you desperate?" He pushed me on the floor, between his legs, he pulled out his belt and unzipped his pants. His intentions were clear and I was happy to oblige, but I had to touch myself or I'd go insane. I started stroking his already hard dick and rubbing my clit at the same time. 

He noticed. And he wasn't happy about it. "I thought you were going to be patient. But I guess not." He took his belt and with one move he tied my hands behind my back while I was still kneeling in front of him.

"Please, I just need to—"

"Yes, yes, I know, but you have to deserve it. Am I right?"

I nodded hesitantly and he scooped up my hair in his fist and used it to pull my head down. I took him into my mouth as the wetness and ache grew between my legs. 

Kai continued to pull my head down until his tip hit the back of my throat and I gagged. He chuckled.

My eyes teared up as I sucked his dick like my life depended on it.

He grunted and raised his hips, so I knew he was close. And I knew he was going to either come in my mouth or...

He pulled out and finished on my tits, painting my chest with his cum. 

"You were so good," he said with his head tilted back and eyes closed. He let my hair fall down my back and over my face. Kai dressed and got up, then pulled me with him, still tied.

He slammed me on the desk and I was able to just lay there and let him do whatever he wanted to me. Not that I minded.

"I feel like I'm going to break you," he said as he traced my very visible ribs with the tips of his fingers. "Break every bone in your body." 

I could feel my stomach sinking in and his words made me even a bigger mess than I already was. "Do it, please, please," I cried out as my hips rose towards him. 

"Since you asked so nicely...And the skirt stays on. Do you know how much willpower it took me not to bury my hand under your skirt and make you beg for more while we were driving?" He pulled my skirt up and didn't even bother to take off the panties, he just ripped them. He towered over me as I layed on his table, feeling the cool air on my swollen clit. 

Kai's fingers went over my aching pussy and my back arched towards his touch. He did nothing for a split second and then came the first slap. I yelped as the burning spread between my legs, but I didn't tell him to stop. He slapped me even harder and I cried out, most ungodly sounds coming from my mouth.

"Don't worry, you can scream as loud as you'd like."

He slapped my dripping cunt once more and after that I was sure I was going to feel his hands on me days after. He didn't wait for me to recover from his brutality, instead he buried two fingers inside me and started scissoring, wanting to spread me even wider. I threw my head back as he added one more. He buried them knuckle deep inside me and began curling them.

"I feel like you're a big girl. You can take one more." He didn't wait for my agreement. His four fingers were inside, making my pussy burn with pleasure. I wasn't able to form words. He spat on me and started massaging my clit while almost his whole hand was thrusting in and out of me. I felt pressure deep in my lower stomach and started panting and moaning for him to continue, but he did exactly the opposite. 

My cunt was left empty without his fingers and I could almost cry. I just needed a bit more.

"Don't look so upset. I'm not finished with you." 

Kai untied me and took his belt. He spread my legs as wide as he could and started spanking my pussy with it. I screamed more in pain than surprise, "Kai, no, stop, please stop-"

The pain was unbearable, but it was just enough  for my clit to start pulsing more and that pressure in my belly to grow. I screamed in pain as he continued to hit me with no mercy. I could feel my walls clenching and my back arched as I came undone. Orgasm hit me and I came down from my high, but Kai didn't stop. 

He started rubbing my abused cunt, overstimulating it. He was deaf to my begging and crying. It was too much. There was no pleasure anymore, just pure pain, but he continued to massage it and after a couple of minutes I was shaking with another orgasm. I knew I was too sensitive, but when I tried to close my legs, he stopped me. Then I noticed his rock hard dick under his jeans and my heart dropped. I was going to pass out. He was going to use me, not caring for my pleasure anymore.

"Just hold still a little more, doll." He pulled his dick out and slammed himself inside me, making my eyes roll to the back of my head. Everything hurt, but he didn't care. His thrusts were fast and rough, I couldn't keep up. I could feel his orgasm building and he had no intention of pulling out. Kai continued to slam into me until he reached his peak. He filled me with his seed and when he finally pulled out I could feel it dripping from my pussy.

Kai helped me get up and as he was untying his belt, his hot breath was on my neck. "Welcome to the cult, baby."

[n3kk1tty]

Beasts of Santa Carla

This chapter contains NSFW material.

This story includes a lot of original characters. Photos of characters and favorite scenes will be drawn. You can find their photos on the masters list along with the prologue and past chapters.

( Masterlist )

Original Characters in Chapter: Lamia, Veve, Volk, Puck

(Beasts of Santa Carla is a AU of the Lost Boys. It involves adult themes, poly relationships, and is definitely not made for the underaged. If you don't like poly content, queer representation, shipping of the boys together or heavy sexual themes and violence. This story is not meant for you and that's okay. This story is made solely for my own enjoyment and anyone else who's along for the ride. )

𝕮𝖍𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖊𝖗 4

After the run in with the terror twins at fight club you were surprised what seemed to greet you when you made it home that night. Your aunt was standing in the door of the kitchen taking a drag from her pipe as you sauntered in through the back door with a stack of tips. You were half expecting her to kick your ass for being at fight club but instead she took a seat at the kitchen island before motioning you softly to her. You cautiously step towards her before she gently scoops you into a hug. “I’m so sorry little one. I would have never assigned you this job if I knew it would put you at risk of harassment. If you want you can stop this assignment and the council can choose another person for the job.”

You pull away from your aunt looking into her eyes as they softly gaze back, fear laced on her form. It feels like your world stops. You could stop going to the cave everyday. You could stop having to watch over the vampires. In truth you could probably blow them off and go back to never interacting with them. You thought about it. Going back to each day being filled with doing what you want before your shift at the Chateau then going to the fight club. You could return to that. But you had been doing just that for 50 years. Succubi did not age like humans so you could return to spending your ridiculously long life keeping to yourself and a group of friends. The same thing over and over.

You shake your head at her in a firm no. You couldn't do that to Laddie. Paul and Marko fought so hard for just a date with you. Even though your days had been unconventional since the start of this job you had found joy in the change of pace and you'd be lying if you said you weren't attached to at least the small vampire at this point. You didn't know when the adventure would end but for now no matter what trouble came your way from being close to the young boy you weren't going to run just because you were inconvenienced.  You smile up to her mischievously. “ If I ran away I'm pretty sure Dad would kick my ass for being weak. Those dumbasses are vulnerable during the day anyway and I don't know anyone in Santa Carla faster than me. “ 

Your aunt smiled at you ruffling your head, you were the spitting image of her brother's rambunctious behavior. Truly at this moment no one could say you weren't his kid. The older succubus smiled before putting a big stack of cash down on the table for you. “Well since I know now you're not afraid of those vampires I’d like to inform you that two of them came by earlier to request a whole night with you. “ Your eyes widen as you look at the money in front of you. There was no way Paul and Marko did this. They were with you all night. You didn't even know the group was packing this much money. 

“I’m assuming you swindled them blind. Because Auntie my prices aren't this expensive. “ The older woman smiled wickedly, laughing to herself. “ Well I had to make them prove they really wanted to reserve you. You are my kin after all plus if you said you didn't want to see them anymore I was going to state you rejected their reservation. “ You give her an accusing look. “ And this would be after you pocketed half their deposit?” The woman gave a wicked laugh before handing the cash towards you. “ Well of course. Me and that David boy argued for hours over the price of reserving you all night on Monday. He was red in the face by the time he left and my time is money after all. “

You shake your head at her. You didn't know which was worse between the siblings. Your dad's want to fight others or your aunt's want to swindle everyone blind of their money. “ Guess I'll be on damage control Monday. You know it's bad business practice to piss off potential returning customers. “ Lamia laughed, fanning herself with a stack of hundred dollar bills. You wandered off to bed for the rest of the night hoping to sleep and to come up with the best way to smooth things over with the Vampires Monday and Tuesday. It was weird to you. Four of the pack members had come after you but the two other fledglings seemed to be keeping out of it. There were rumors around and what you could pick up from your spying that those two weren't happy to be half vampires.

As you lay in bed talking to Veve you try to devise a plan to stay on everyone's good side if you'd have to stay interacting with them in the future. You figured dropping off food tomorrow for the fledglings while you tried educating Laddie would be enough to smooth things over if they were mad at you for being in their turf. If they were hunger striking like you picked up on then bringing a human carcass or blood may not be the best peace offering. You drifted off to sleep knowing that you'd figure something out. Unbeknownst to you a certain female vampire was also drifting to sleep with a piece of fabric that smelt like you.

You had gotten there earlier than usual to pick up your little partner in crime for his daily day time shenanigans. Though this time you brought food and educational materials for both Micheal and Star as you figured if Laddies education was this poor then so was there's. You wanted to break the cycle of ferals and hopefully you'd be able to get the terror twins also up to date of educational standards. Maybe they would stop hunger striking if they knew all the options they had with immortality and the great lengths vampiric kind has gone through to make being one not as much as a curse.

Lamia had mentioned things she knew about their sire Max. While the man appeared to care about his pack he wasn't as hands on as he should be and he definitely wasn't educating them properly. No one could figure him out but then again no one ever stuck their noses in others' business like this before. You shake the thought from your head. It wasn't your business what there sire did or didn't do. If they were the ones taking care of Laddie without you there they needed to be educated too . You were originally going to have Laddie carry everything down to them in the cave but that changed when this boy came running out with no shoes on and the outfit that definitely needed washing.

You felt a little annoyed at this, deciding you and the boy's side mission today was to get him washed up and in new clean outfits. You crept down into the cave not daring to enter if you even sensed that anyone was still awake other than Laddie. The little boy on the other hand barreled inside excited to show Star what he had in his hands for breakfast. You chastised him telling him to be quiet as everyone was sleeping and was probably tired. The little boy nodded as you dismissed him to go find his shoes. You inched towards the sleeping girl making sure to move quietly. She was undeniably gorgeous, her curls sprawled out on the bed as she slept. All these vampires were attractive which was aggravating when you were trying to keep your distance from them.

You'd protect them and we're starting to get friendly with them but you wouldn't let them steal your heart. Laddie was already doing that and it stirred uncomfortable feelings in you and insecurities you thought you killed in your being a long time ago. But you couldn't help but look at her as you gently placed the books and food down with a card you and Laddie made to apologize for any inconveniences you had caused. You tried to stop yourself but you moved on instinct, tucking the girl into her comforters a little better. The female vampire stirred in her sleep as your scent strongly wrapped around her. She thought she was dreaming when her blurry eyes fluttered open slightly to see some one hovering above her.

She gently reached out but before she could touch your face you dispersed into a swarm of moths going to the entrance of the cave trying to hide as your heart pounded out of your chest. While you were hiding trying to calm your heart from the shock Laddie came running to Star to shake her awake as he he could not find his shoes. The female vampire sat up in her bed confused as the little boy shook her side to side whining at her to get up. “ Star, I can't find my shoes!.” The girl rubbed her eyes feeling nauseous from her lack of food in her stomach as she had been trying her best not to feed on blood. 

“Laddie honey I think there under the bed.” She gently stroked the boy's head. Looking to her night stand she noticed the takeout container and books. “Laddie, what's all this?” The girl softly opened the container while inspecting the card as the little boy perked up before darting off to grab something excitedly. “ We got you food! Big sister said it would help with your sickness.” Star looked at the card in surprise reading what was on it as the little boy came darting back with a Styrofoam cup filled with something. The letter had nice neat writing compared to the crudely scribbled on pictures which was most likely a finishing touch from the little boy himself. 

‘ Dear Star, I’m terribly sorry if my presence around your home during the day has caused a disturbance along with my outings with Laddie. I promise to be more mindful in the future as I continue my post of watching over the boy in the day while you and your companions sleep in peace knowing he's being cared for. I implore you to take care of your own health as well. Starving yourself from blood is your own choice but please be mindful your body needs iron and protein. I gift you a hearty breakfast of beef steak and pork ribs along with strawberry electrolyte water to help quell your sickness. In deepest regards and sincerest apologies Ms (Y/n). ‘

The girl traced the elegant handwriting for a moment before going to try the food. It was still hot meaning you had to have just recently dropped it off. Star looked around hoping to spot you from your scent still lingering in the cave but was interrupted by Laddie poking her face. “ Star, can I have some of your food too? I wanna bite of the steak, it looks yummy. “ The girl softly looked at the boy before handing him some, taking a bite herself from the plate.

Star was almost ashamed of how quickly she started to scarf down the rest of the  meal between sips of the sweet water. It's like she hadn't truly eaten in ages and this was the first meal she had in years. She was almost brought to tears by the medium rare steak that was cooked and seasoned to perfection. When she polished off the ribs  she gave the bones to Laddie who gladly chomped straight through them. Star had never felt more grateful in her whole life as she didn't feel sick anymore and like she had a little more energy. After wiping her hands she moved on to glancing over the books that were next to her. One was a binder with the same handwriting on it as the note. 

When she opened it she saw pages of colored photos of other vampires, inventions, places, and even medicine. Each had notes in the handwriting explaining short tidbits about the picture and the information that accompanied it. The first page of the binder explained the old books in the pile were all the educational materials needed for a basic vampiric educational course for new halflings. Though the books were old and didn't have photos so Laddie couldn't follow a long so you went out of your way to retake the course to combine a binder of photos and basic knowledge the child definitely needed to know. Star was mesmerized by the photos, especially the ones of the inventions and city of vampires as she didn't even know those existed. 

She flipped to the section on Vampiric women and laws they have created. She looked over Dracula's bride who was known for being mortal before a surgery was performed to extend her life into an immoral one. Lisa Tepes was known as the head founder of laws that brought peace between vampires and mortals and even other demonic creatures. The woman was famous for her ethical eating laws and reforms. Star was in amazement. This book could be the answers to all her worries and prayers without her having to get Micheal into a fight with David. Star hopped for her freedom from her sire and hoped she would never have to harm a human to stay alive and this book could be her ticket out of that.

She didn't even get the chance to thank Laddie as while she was tucking her books away into hiding the small child had run off. Star hoped she would be able to thank you and get to meet you as your scent was drawing her to you. She and Micheal were hoping to meet you, possibly to save them from their fate. Neither of the pair wanted to hurt humans and neither wanted to give away their freedom to be trapped in Santa Carla never to feel the sun on their skin again. They didn't want to be killers, at most they selfishly wanted freedom from time and belonging to a group but they weren't going to kill humans to do so.

For the rest of the week you brought Laddie and Star breakfast which had become a little daily tradition. You sneak in to give her food and you and Laddie eat your breakfast together at the opening of the cave. Star thought it was cute as Laddie had sworn since it made her feel better that breakfast together was mandatory and even though she tried to catch you in the act multiple times she knew the minute she opened her eyes you'd disappear before her. You’d always leave her little notes with her meals which she started replying to with her own. Since you stubbornly refused to meet her, only watching her from a distance or tucking her in she would have to put up with pretending to be asleep to feel your skin grace hers.

Star could tell you were a gentle soul the way you would whisper to Laddie when you thought she was asleep or how you'd gently handle her. You really had been acting like a sudo mother to him during the day. The way you would chastise him for leaving his area messy or how you'd praise his writing skills. Star wished she could spend time with you as well. Bask in your kindness and your sweet smell. She was ashamed of her dreams that whispered to her to do things to you. Whispered for her to grab you into her arms, sinking her fangs into your neck. Even worse were the dreams where you and Micheal were seducing her. She’d wake in a panic, sweating , unable to hide the blush flush across her face and her sexual frustration.

It's not like your daily ritual had gone unnoticed by the others either. Though Paul and Marko were hiding their own secret as every night they would sneak to the boardwalk to find a pay phone so they could call you to harass you. Which mostly was them trying their best to flirt with you over the phone before you were pulled away by work laughing and reassuring the two they could see you Tuesday. It was like the whole pack was in a secret battle to get your attention. It was whoever was gonna get to your body and blood first who won. David and Dwayne would have been dead last but for their reservation they pulled through into 1st leaving Micheal in the dust . His nights spent hearing about you from Star or Laddie while the three did research while the others were away.

Those books you dropped by have become their saving rope from this situation. Finding ways to meditate their hunger and find solutions to fix this problem. Micheal damn near worried his mother with how much meat he was eating while his grandfather thought the boy was bulking. Making excuses that he had a job to excuse his sleep schedule while his younger brother looked over the books as well. Neither of them could come to terms with the whole of Santa Carla being infested with the underworld but when they looked around they would start to notice it. The night club, the witch stores, the grave yards, hell even the mechanics or sea wasn't free from creatures of the night.

It was like their eyes had been opened for the first time and it was terrifying the first few days. That was until during the night they realized the whole underground was mostly harmless. Witches didn't give a shit if the frog brothers and Sam went into the shops to purchase things or flat out call them a witch. It threw them for a loop when the warlock at the counter rolled his eyes at them saying anyone could become a witch or warlock by just opening a book. Like they were dumb for accusing them. When they tried interrogating the succubus at the Chateau they were teased by the scantily clad woman and men saying they were still too young to come in but to check back in when they reached eighteen.

The three went to the mechanics accusing them of being werewolves before the brunette guy with a scar behind the counter scoffed at them as another bigger one walked passed laughing carrying an engine like it's nothing. “Took you dumbass kids a while to figure out. News flash kid this is a pardoned town. All of Santa Carla and anyone in it is free game. Us underworlders can eat tourists or locals who go sticking their noses into shit to cause trouble. So if you pip squeaks ain't gonna buy shit get the fuck out. “ The brunette huffed going back to his smoke while the blonde came back around with sodas for the boys.

“ Hey If you three really wanna get a taste of the true Santa Carla way why don't y'all pick up witch craft and then you can come check out the fight club we host at night. You gotta count as an underworlder to come but that rule is easy to skirt around since witches exist. “ Edgar looked at the man like he was dirt glaring at him down. “ You people eater to, you fleabag. “ The man laughed at him. “ You kids really are dumb. Not everyone in Santa Carla eats people, the ghouls eat dead people for new parts and the vampires supply the ghouls with said dead people. On the food chain lycanthropes are just the clean up crew between the two. “ As the man walked away to continue his business he shot the kids a warning. “ Just a friendly heads up. You kids planning on starting shit with any of the monster factions you'll have the whole ecosystem on your ass. Especially the vampires with their guard dog. You're lucky your kids or she’d kill you on sight for just thinking about it.”

Needless to say the idea of killing any creature of the night was dismissed but the books from the witch store had provided the information that there was a human faction besides witches that policed the underworlders on humans behalf. Exorcists. If the boys couldn't eradicate the underworlders they were gonna police them. And the vampires broke two huge laws. Making a child vampire, and turning someone without their consent. They were gonna teach them a lesson and if they wanted they could find a vampire faction member to get the sire vampire executed. Which would set Sam's brother free.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today was finally the day. You had finished the day out with Laddie sending him back home before you returned to the Chateau to get ready for the long night ahead. You figured getting a nap in wouldn't be possible as if they were willing to drop so much money to reserve you then they would be here as soon as the sunset and they were freed from the containment of the caves safety. Before you had even left you could sense movement in the cave and could hear the boys starting to stir into a frenzy.

You bathed yourself first making sure to scrub all the sweat of the day off of you replacing it with the vanilla cinnamon scrubs and soaps you used to enhance your pheromones natural aroma. You had picked out a gorgeous flowy babydoll style nightgown for the night's festivities. Replacing your usual studded collar with a soft lacey fluffed one with a matching bow on the back in the same soft (f/c) as the night gown. The edges of the outfit were adored with a soft white fluff. You strapped your feet into the clear heels as you added the finishing touches on your makeup. You knew tonight would probably be another rough aggressive session with lots of your blood being drunk to make up for any of the headaches you had caused the pair.

Vampires tended to be spiteful, arrogant, and egotistical so to balance out the rough job you had ahead of yourself you had dressed as soft and sweet as possible. This should fulfill their need for power you thought as you admired yourself in your private room's bathroom. You had set out fancy cigars for David and made sure your bar was stocked with the bourbon Dwayne had ordered last time they were here. Setting the room up with anything you thought the pair would enjoy you admired your work. You would have to keep them entertained your whole six hour shift. Which a two person all nighter sounded fun at first thought but you didn't know if you were really ready to spend that much time straight stroking vampiric egos and being a juice box just to make up for a turf dispute.

You looked at yourself in the mirror one last time as the intercom in your room announced the pair's arrival. You push the corners of your mouth into a smile. You felt nothing doing this job. Fucking was simply eating to you. Every night you had to put on a fake facade that every customer you had was your number one person and that you actually enjoyed the time you spent with them. You didn't. They were just food and a paycheck. That's why you enjoyed Volks time so much and had become close friends with him as he was the first to see past your facade and ask what you wanted to do. His second time coming in, you two had just spent the night really talking and watching horror movies.

You didn't even bother to try and put on a mind blocker spell. Especially if they had just read through Veves there was no point. If they wanted to toy with your brain so be it. Maybe it would be a welcomed reprieve from the dull sensation you felt during sex. Obviously your body would orgasm and you'd moan and cum but it's not like it was special. It was just fucking and that's what you were about to do again. Fuck and get it over with. You were finally able to put on a fake face as you walked out of your private room. Strolling from the back you saw the men standing against the lobby railing looking out into the crowd and stage of dancers. The music was loud and the scent thick with ecstasy and lust.

You quietly walked towards them the sound of your heels not even making a dent against the noise coming from the speakers. You snaked your arms around David's and Dwaynes locking them to your side as you smiled up at them. “ Well there's my top spenders of the week! You boys really are so sweet being so determined to rent me out for the night. I’m (Y/n) I’ll be your entertainment for this evening. “ Your voice was cheerful and sweet, matched perfectly with your face as your plumped glossy lips curled into a smile. Your pheromones sweep over the boys as Dwayne had to control himself for a moment being hit by the cinnamon and vanilla essence. Neither of them had noticed you approaching and neither had a moment to reply before you were dragging them to the back cheerfully bobbing through the crowd like a flower petal in the breeze.

As you three walked past regular goers in the crowd noticed you before trying to come close to drunkenly attempt to snatch your from between the men. You gracefully dodged the tall mob man's advances. “ Oh my goodness Mr. Falcone has your liquor hit your head already sweetie I told you I was busy tonight.” Dwayne glared down at the drunk older man before the guy chimed in. “ Aw toots, why don't you serve me after you're done with these chumps. I got something better for you than these dirty leather dogs can provide.” The man crudely grabbed at his crotch trying to push closer to you. “ I know my favorite pussy cat needs another fancy car. Why don't you service daddy Falcone and I'll give you all you want. “ This man was hitting a nerve inside David and Dwayne as they were two seconds from ripping the man's jugular out if it wasn't for the anti bite masks they had on.

David sneered at the man grabbing your arm closer to him in a protective stance. “ Too bad we bought her out for the whole night. Looks like she's not gonna have time to play with you. It seems our little princess here will be too busy playing with us. Why don't you find another toy around here to get your rocks off geezer. “ The drunk man staggered before becoming angered and irate. Lunging for David, a clear heel quickly came speeding in hitting the old man square in the face with a hard kick as a crunch could be heard from the pair. Your smile still plastered on your face as the man crumbled to the floor, security rushing over to collect up the pathetic human. “ Looks like you had too much to drink, baby doll. Seems you need to go sleep it off in the alley way. Remember honey pie you have to pay to play with me and I don't think I want your money any more.”

You pushed the man's head into the ground with your heel glaring down at him like a bug as you grinded his broken nose into the ground. “ Anyone who treats me or my guests with such disrespect are lower than dirt to me.” You lean down to his ear as he whimpers in drunken stupor. “ And you smell like pig shit you disgusting old fuck.” The muscular incubus and werewolf drag the man away prepared to dispose of him as David and Dwayne look down at your smile plastered face. Their mystery girl appeared to have a mean streak to her and that riled them up inside. You continued to make your journey through the floor as you passed a table with an old veteran surrounded by incubus in sailor costumes as you pass he whistled for your attention. “ Y/n did that scumbag try and hurt you deary. “ You pause, letting go of the boy's arms to turn towards the man.

A genuine soft smile graced your lips as you walked up to the three at the table. “ No Johnny, I'm okay. Make sure you get home safe tonight okay.” The sweet old man laughed before placing a chocolate coin in your hand. “ You go rock those boys' socks off. You're one dynamite broad you know, don't let those old pervs get your spirits. “ You and the man share a laugh before you take your coin back to the boys finishing the journey out of the main room and into the back hallways through a series of doors. You make it to a velvet (f/c) door before you open it for the boys to walk in. You take there jackets from them as the door shuts and the room is filled only by soft music as Dwayne interjects. “ Whose the old timer at the table.”

You smile gently as you turn to him. “ That's Johnny. He's an old timey Sailor that hangs out here every night. He doesn't have any family after they found out he was queer so the Chateau has been his family ever since. “ You make your way around the bar to start making drinks to loosen the energy in the room. “Sorry about Falcone too. That was his third strike so he'll be lucky if he sobers up with his boys still intact tomorrow. What drinks can I get my boys tonight. “ David chuckles sitting on the bar stool watching as you make yourself a cotton candy cocktail. “ I”ll take a whiskey on the rocks if you don't mind gorgeous.” Dwayne follows suit sitting down as you pass him a little menu of drinks you can make. “ So a private room gets a private bar as well. Who would have thought. “ You slide David his drink before you place the bourbon bottle Infront of Dwayne giving him a wink.

“ Well of course you boys did get swindled under the table so it's up to me to get you your money's worth tonight boys. Can't have my customers being cheated out of their cash. It's bad for business you know.“ David almost chokes on his drink, mumbling to himself. “I fuckin knew it wasn't that expensive. “ You laugh at the man as you open a box full of top shelf cigars for the vampires to choose from. David's fingers trace down the line of them before gingerly choosing one. “ I guess my Aunt was really hiding me from you boys. Hold on darlin you can't drink your whiskey with that on. “ You gently undue the bite masks from both gentlemen placing them on the counter as you pull a lighter from your bra, lighting David's cigar for him. “ You aren't afraid we're gonna bite you. “ Dwayne says eyes are boring into your form. He's been watching your every move since he first laid eyes on you.

Your smell was heavenly and you had a sweetness with underlying spicy tone to you. You moved gracefully every step of the way and your smile on your face was the icing on the cake. He wanted to see more of you. He was keeping himself in check as his mind wandered to all he could do to you in just the hours he had. “ Well you can do what you like to me tonight. I am your girl all for this evening. Be pretty silly to stop what's natural for vampires to want. Just like it's silly to think a succubus doesn't need energy to live.” David smirked evilly tilting your face up to his, fangs twinkling in the light as cigar smoke and whiskey with just a tinge of blood could be smelled from his breath. “ We have plenty of time for all of that tonight. What we want right now is answers. “ You stare into his eyes, never breaking eye contact like it was a silent war of dominance.

“ You’ll have to be more specific then that sweetness. I have a lot of answers and questions I can't answer a question I don't know though. “ Dwayne chimed in from his glass. “ Why are you always in our turf during the day? “ eyes shifting to the man you make contact. “ Would you take what I tell you seriously. “ Dwayne's face flashed a sign of confusion as he looks back at you not expecting that answer at all or the fact you’ve been bold this whole time for someone who keeps giving them the slip. You sigh as your facade falters a bit. “ Some people have been making claims there going to start killing vampires in Santa Carla. You have an illegal child Daywalker running free in the day with no protection, education, or common sense. So I spend all my day time guarding your little cave as frankly it would be childs play to pick you guys off one by one during the day time hours. “

You pour yourself a shot from Dwaynes bourbon bottle not a care in the world. “ You got a problem with it tell me now if not I'll be out there tomorrow again with Laddie because quite frankly someone needs to be watching him in the daytime. “ You slide some of David's deposit back to him as he's currently studying you, taking in every inch of beauty before him. “ Well he wasn't always a Daywalker till about two weeks ago he was a halfing. But tell me more about this whole illegal thing and vampire killers in Santa Carla.” You pause from your drink putting the hint together from David before you rub the back of your neck whispering a light cuss to yourself for not figuring it out before. “ Your telling me you're not here because I'm in your turf, you're here because my blood made the kid a Daywalker. “ Dwayne nodded to you smirking into his drink as your facade fell further as you open up to the men.

“ Well shit. I’m sorry I caused y'all all this trouble. Well I'll make sure to take responsibility and at least continue teaching him during the day and such. About the killer stuff I'm not sure exactly who it is but the rumors stated it was a bunch of kids but honestly it could be your other two halfings or a vampiric council member themselves. You know making child vampires, especially daywalkers, has been outlawed since the black plague but guess I caused the day walker bit. “ David smirked into his cigar, puffing his smoke into your face. “ We don't mind you doing all that but we were thinking since you waltz into our lives you could do a lot more than that to pay us back. We have two other halflings and we think they still wanna be able to play in the sun so maybe you could tack on two more to your little game of teacher.”

David's moving close to your face now, maybe a little too close to focus. He can hear your heartbeat in your chest and even with him threateningly close your confidence has not changed a bit. You aren't scared of them hell your brain isn't even racing. David could peer into your brain past your sweet facade you were forcing out and see that you were more annoyed in this moment by your own stupidity than the fact you were in the room with two vampires who very much wanted to rip into you. Claiming you all for themselves. It was so tempting to be this close to you. Your scent was truly a treat for David and your little attitude, boldness, and outfit were all doing something for him. You poke David on the bridge of his nose pushing him away from your face slightly as you try to think. “ With y'alls obvious lack of education all seven of you could stand to have some time hitting the books. But I'm not giving them my blood unless they want it. I gave the kid my blood because he was damn near starving to insanity.”

Dwayne came closer to you, trapping you further between the two. It was getting harder to hold back as he lifted a lock of your hair inhaling the scent. “ I wouldn't mind you teaching us. We will gladly take the close quality time with you. I’m sure Star and Micheal are also craving you the way we are. “ David grabs your hand from his face staring into your eyes, his lips ghost over your palm. You stare back into his gorgeous baby blues as they shift to a shade of golden yellow red pricking his pupils. It was like they were gageing your reaction, like two predators watching their prey for permission to strike. They both were beautiful, mesmerizing in their own rights and both of their scents were tempting you. But you were no prey in this game you were a beast all in your own right. You bit your tongue, blood gushing into your mouth as you roughly pull the blonde into a feverish kiss.

Shock overwhelms him for a second as you slip your tongue between his pink lips battling for dominance in a bloody dance. His eyes glow deeper with lust as he pulls you into this dance stubble scratching your face. Blood flows into his mouth greedily accepting the heavenly taste between your battle of tongues as Dwayne pulls you from each other unable to stop this want anymore. You're pulled into another kiss, tongues tangling around each other Dwayne passionately searching for every drop of your essence. It was wild and untamed lustful grunting and almost demonic yearning as the pair fought for claim of your mouth. No time for breathe as David was making short work to bite into your shoulder grabbing onto your plump sides slamming you forward into Dwayne roughly. Your claws dig into the man's chest as you growl into the kiss as your tongue fights to win this battle gaining a hiss in return from the man.

Moaning, hissing, and growling fills the room as you grind against David while you pull Dwayne further down into your kiss. A wet pop can be heard as you are abruptly yanked off of the vampire pinned down against the blonde. “ Bed now. “ Was all you heard from the tall vampire as he swiftly tossed you over his shoulder dragging you to the soft satin embrace of the bed where your body was thrown down pinned under the weight of this beastly man. Lust, desire, and something deadly was all your eyes could see as David lifted your face to place a kiss to your bruised lips one last time as he sat in a chair facing you with a smirk. “My my, our little princess is just full of surprises aren't you. Dwayne, why don't you take care of our naughty little beast here. “

A swift sting can be felt from your ass as Dwaynes hand comes down quickly admiring the red mark left on your soft skin. The man presses his free hand on your lower back keeping you trapped as he makes work to release his throbbing cock from his denim jeans. Your head pushes back as you tease the pair wickedly smiling directly at the blonde, never breaking your defiant stare. “ Do your best to tame me but I’m a wild ride boys. I like the fight. “ A black belt snaked around your arms encasing them in it's grip as your lifted up onto Dwayne's lap. Legs spread wide displaying your cloth covered cunt for the pair it was slick with your excitement. Fingers trailed down your form as lips nibbled at your wounded shoulder a long wet tongue quickly lapping over the blood seeping out.

“Looks like your enjoying this princess. “ Dwayne softly whispered into your ear earning another twang of excitement in your lower core as his hands mapped over you getting closer and closer to your flower. “ Of course I am. Not everyday someone comes in smelling as good as you handsome.” Your eyes dilated as a finger teases over your bud twirling painful circles through the fabric that was soaked with your fluids. David watched in enjoyment as Dwayne tormented your clit for him to see. Fingers twirled before dragging long lines slowly along your slit begging for something to fill you up your walls clenched around air face flush with lust. You could endure this teasing, but your body craved to be filled up. Filled and defiled right In Front of the blondes eyes you wished solely for your panties to get out of the way of your enjoyment.

Your hands may be bound but your tail was not. Slithering it's way from between your legs and through the straps a sharp spine made working cutting both straps the (f/c) cloth falling limp onto Dwayne's hand as he stared at your cheeky expression on your face. Rough calloused fingers plunged between your folds harshly pumping in and out at a neck breaking speed. “Princess if you're gonna be naughty for me you're going to be punished. “ Dwayne nipped your ear juices, slicked his fingers as your voice became a symphony of moans and mewling teasing naughty words back to the man. “ I'll be whatever you need handsome. Just as long as you keep playing with me.” Orgams started to roll through your body as the man's thumb rolled over your clit fingers never ceasing their tirade of your sex.

“ I think she needs something a bit more Dwayne.” The blonde leaned forward stroking the man's cock earning grunts from his lover as David helped position the member before your entrance. With a swift motion Dwayne's hands came up to grab your chest and David pushed you down on Dwayne's cock. The thickness stretched you to the max while the tip of his member kissed deep to your cervix almost making you see stars from just the insertion. But the moment was short lived as Dwayne started thrusting in and out of you roughly, body bobbing up and down on his throbbing shaft. David took Dwayne's hand licking your juices from it before capturing your lips in a feverish kiss forcing you to taste yourself off his lips. It was passionate and intoxicating. You could feel David rooting around in your head making your vision blurred from lust as he tried to heighten your senses.

Dwayne made quick to pull down your nightgown freeing your breast he pinches your nipples down while massaging circles into your bosom. Moaning into the kiss you were seeing stars soon blurry vision clouding your mind as David made work to take his time showing you visions of what he wanted from you. This was lustful and passionate, almost animalistic in nature as the pair ravaged you. David sucking on your shoulder nipping your skin, lapping your warm blood while his hands found their way to your clit while making his way to free himself from his clothes. Your head throws back letting out a symphony of moans and cusses as another orgasm washes over you as Dwayne's hot seed fills you up.

It felt amazing the sensation of your mind dancing in fantasy as your body was filled to the brim with hot cum. You panted trying to come down from your high as your body is dragged further on the bed before you fell forward. Face in the sheets your body shakes as you take in the energy. You feel the men position you to your side as Dwayne caresses your face admiring your flushed form. “ No time for rest, princess. We have so much more to give you. “ Dwayne leans forward kissing your cheek before stroking his cock positioning at your entrance again while David opens your mouth for him. “ What a pretty little thing. Why don't you take care of me princess.”

You display your tongue for the man opening up wide dragging your tongue over the tip of his member. Taking in the musk from his manhood he slides himself into your mouth as you latch on mapping every inch with your tongue. David relishes in the bliss slowly thrusting in and out he leans forward placing a kiss on Dwayne as the two lock in a passionate dance of tongues. Both were enjoying your body to the fullest, your blood was everything they hoped for and more. Every drop made them feel this powerful rush and it was like they were truly alive. You were addictive to them. Your presence, taste, and personality was addicting and every second they wanted more of you. The pair wished to wisk you away back to the cave and make love to you till morning as there was no way these six hours would be enough for them. You unlocked something from deep inside of them.

A free spirit who was unapologetically yourself embodied everything they could ever want from another partner. You cared for Laddie, got along with Paul and Marko, and even were willing to help with Star and Micheal. They wanted you even if for now it was just for lustful and selfish reasons. David let out a loud moan as he finished in your mouth. You greedily accepted every drop of warm cum making sure to thoroughly clean his throbbing member with your tongue you open your mouth to display to David it was indeed all gone. David wanted to ruin you. Make you cry and break your defiant nature making you bend to his whims and wants. While Dwayne finished inside you again filling your womb with his seed making sure to press deep into you so you could feel every time his cock pulsed releasing it's divine fluid.

Your limp body was pulled in between the pair as they propped you up between them freeing your hands they held you in a gentle embrace. Dwayne gently drew patterns on your exposed back while David readied himself to go another round. He filled your head with visions of them making love to you in their nest nonstop. Moments flashing in and out of your vision like they were memories being shown to you in real time. It wasn't just David and Dwayne in the visions, it was all six of the vampires. All of them taking turns making sweet love to you or exchanging soft embraces. Soft moments of intimacy you have never experienced in your lifetime. Sweet good mornings, gentle goods nights, being held in their arms like you were there everything.

David entered you slowly as he whispered things into your clouded and confused mind. “Be with us (Y/n). You belong with us. We could give you all the love you could need. “ Your eyes dilated, your heart beat started to race. They could make you there's, you could belong to them. Mind, body, and soul everything could belong to them. Visions played before you of them marking your neck. Kisses, bites, hickes. All along your bare neck during moments of passionate exchanges. David was pushing you towards another orgasm as your hands started moving to your neck in a hypnotized state while Dwayne also whispered sweet promises into your ear. “ We would love you forever. Take care of you till time gave out. Be ours princess. “

David released into you as he encouraged you to remove your choker. Visions of you removing it playing in your mind as you attempted in your blissed state to make sense of what was reality and what wasn't. Not realizing you were moving towards doing it in real time. Tears began filling your confused clouded mind. Were you there's? Was it true. Did someone love you like that? Could you find people who loved you like that? Insecurities creep into your clouded mind. With the sweet whispers of promises becoming washed over by a sense of internalized fear. You weren't worthy of love, not as the monster you were. Biologically you were doomed to never have your happy ending. You were destined to be free or die chained to someone's side. No love could save you from this fact. It was like a bitterness washed into your mouth and before David could make sense of it his brain was filled with the loud screams of pain, loss, and insecurities from a long life lived.

Like a mass headache had hit him all at once he couldn't keep control of your brain. Your eyes clouded as your face contorted into a monstrous one fangs baring like a beast. Your hand reached from the sky flesh morphing into thick armored bone. Jagged claws reaching for the heavens you scream out in confusion. “I DON'T LOVE YOU!” A strike came swiftly in seconds for David's eyes as tears flowed from your confused ones. Dwayne is only able to quickly kick David out of the way in a attempt to hold you back as you snarled in pain. You writhed in agony as you began to lash out like a beast at the man's desperate hold. You screached in confused agony forced to motion through these waves of negativity. Your tears flowed freely as the bed was being ripped to shreds by your claws and tail David on the floor shocked in place by your statement.

You wailed like a banishee “ I CAN'T LOVE. I DON'T GET THAT PRIVILEGE. “ The pair watched you stunned in place as you tried desperately to get away. You start slowly coming out of your confusion tears never ceasing. “I don't know love. I’m just a monster. “ Your whole body goes numb and you stop as your brain comes back to sanity. Looking down at your monstrous hands as tears continue to fall you coldy yank yourself from Dwaynes grasp, marching yourself off the destroyed furniture and slowly dragging clawed feet to the bar. The room is silent as you rustle through the bar pulling out a box. A red pipe with a mysterious bag filled with a bunch of dried herbs is placed on the counter as you say nothing to either.

Your face completely devoid of emotion you light the pipe taking in deep breaths of the red smoke. Your body slowly morphs into how it was before tears drying up with each puff a wave of calm comes over. You do nothing to acknowledge the pair either to focused on returning to some sense of normalcy . It was like they had been hit by a truck by your statement. Neither thought that this statement would effect them so much or that you could lash out like that. It hurt though. Like a hole was punched in their hearts the whole scene hurt, it was like you were in unmeasurable pain. David's stomach turned uncomfortably. He wanted to make you cry at first but now that he had. He wished to never see you like that again. He wanted to never be the reason you cried like that again. There was something broken in you and they had forced it to the light.

As the smoke numbed your body and replaced it with a gently calm you clear your head replacing it with a numbed buzz. You make your way back to the bed staring at the wreckage with a frustrated sigh. “ Well I ruined your night. “  Dwayne's eyes snap to you in shock. How could you think this was your fault. They pushed you to that and instead of worrying about yourself you stood there worrying about how there night was ruined. It was almost aggravating the lack of emotion you had for your own feelings. “ Don't worry about this. We caused you this pain. “ Dwayne reached out to comfort you but you turned away going to David on the floor instead. You crouch down to the blonde, grabbing his face, giving it a firm look over. “ I didn't injure either of you did I. It's been ages since I had a lash out like that. “ 

David reached for your hand against his face. You were cold. Almost unfeeling right now and it pissed David off that he did this to you. Your tongue clicks in annoyance at yourself. “ Last time I took the customers' eye out. Good thing you guys are quick to react. If you want a refund I'll give it all back. “ Davids teeth grinded down in anger. “ I don't want my money back. I-“ He softened abit as he grabbed your face. “ I just want to make sure you're okay. I shouldn't have pushed you so hard. “ You blow red smoke into his face in response, a lazy half baked smile finding a way onto you. “ I told you to go rough pretty boy. Plus I didn't put a mind blocker spell on. Honestly would have been disappointed if you hadn't tried anything like that. “ 

You rustle the blondes head a bit as your smoke is making you feel warm and fuzzy putting you in a better mood like it's designed to do while also grounding you back to your senses. “ Plus who can be mad at seeing such nice day dreams. They are cute sentiments but hate to burst y'alls bubble. I’m kinda biologically designed to not be able to have a small amount of partners. “ Dwaynes face floods with confusion. “ What do you mean by that. “ You turn to him blankly taking another puff from your pipe. “ I’m a hybrid. My hunger is way higher then normal so having two or three partners is not really in the cards for me. If I'm really fucked over I'll need about fourteen like my aunt. That's if my partner's energy and libido are regular. “

David chimes in. “What if your partners had higher levels of energy and libido. More to offer you. How many do you think you would need. “ Thinking to yourself you can't imagine a number as you've never even attempted to find out. “ I’m not really certain on that. I've been with a ton of different races with varying levels of energy. My father is pretty ravenous too but he's been pretty healthy just by feeding off my jorogumo father. But it probably has more to deal with my dad being a protector of land and having more energy from worshippers. Oni’s though I can go through 3 and have a decent meal every night but they are huge on only settling with one partner. “

“What about vampires. There's six in our pack. If you were to feed every night off of all six of us would that be able to keep you fed. You wouldn't have to feed off anyone else or continue this job.” You look at the tan vampire as his eyes remain focused on you with a passion. “ What are you two trying to suggest? Marking my neck is not just a casual thing. Excuse me but you've just met me today. The only way in hell I'd let your little group of ferals become my mates is if you truly loved me and I loved you. “ The pair is inching closer to you with determination in their eyes as you scoot away becoming increasingly defensive. “ And I don't know how to love so good luck with that little endeavor. “

An idea sparks in David's head as he starts to scheme a way to make you there's. To bring you into the pack and get Star and Micheal into line. “ I’m not hearing a no to being our mate. Nor am I hearing your gonna run from us. Why don't we have a little wager. A agreement of sorts. “ Your eyes dart to him as you glare at him wondering what this man was up to. “ What would this little bet be. “ David wickedly smiles taking your chin in his hands lips ghosting over yours. “ Spend time with us and try feeding off the whole group. Allow us to learn to love you and we will win your heart fair in square. If we all fall in love then you become our mate and only feed off us. That is if you see us as an adequate meal source. “ You push the man away as your face heats up.

All of these vampires were ludicrous. First they are chasing you around the city for a date. Now they're sitting here suggesting you learn to love them. All of them were crazy. This whole night was a crazy shit show. But something in you wanted to try. The group was filled with a variety of beauty's and all of them smelled like amazing feeds. Plus you and Laddie were thick as thieves and you'd hate for him to go back to being a filthy little goblin running around being a pain in the ass. You thought about it before reaching your hand out to make a sealed vow. This deal if it didn't work out would show you there was truly no reason to try and love while if they succeeded maybe you could finally get the happy ending you thought you couldn't have.

“ I'll allow you to try and fail at making me love you. Nice to give cocky vampires a little taste of humility sometimes. But we play by my rules and pace. “ David grabbed your hand smiling as a blood circle appeared around both your wrists spinning violently before chains started to form from your blood reaching to eachother. “ I wouldn't have it any other way. But you'll be eating your words my sweet. “ The chains locks together glowing a hue of crimson red before the chains form a tattoo on your respective wrists etched in blood. David pulls you in for another rough kiss that lasts for a brief moment before you pull away. “ Hey! I'm all down for aggressive sex but the room is trashed and you stink of sweat, sea, and man musk.”

David looks offended but stops to smell himself. Dwayne chiming in. “ When's the last time we took a proper shower, my love. “ David's face goes red as he thinks back to it. Maybe ocean baths were not the best. You scoff making your way to the bathroom. “ Stinky cave vampires. '' Dwayne shakes his head following behind as David grinds his teeth at your comment. Maybe he liked you more when you were putting an act on for him. “ And who's gonna fix the bed. We still have three hours left that remind you I paid for.” David yells at you as you turn the waterfall shower on collecting soaps for the pair. “ If you think you're the only guest to break the beds, you're wrong. The maids will get it. I promise you once we go back in the room the whole place will be back to normal. Now get your bitchy ass here so I can scrub your hair. “

David's patience was thin. Your attitude is apparent, and not appreciated. “ Am I still not a paying customer. Shouldn't you be treating me with care so I'll want to pay again. “ You laugh as you strip everything off your body, even your collar before a bone armor plating covers your neck. “ Aren't you the one who wanted this bet. We're supposed to be falling in love here. And you can't exactly love me for me if I'm not being my true unfiltered pain in the ass self.” David huffed coming over to you before begrudgingly sitting down in the shower seat you set up. Dwayne watching in amusement at your bickering. In all his years of loving this man he had never seen someone so willing to jump into conflict with the blonde. No one in the pack would dare talk to David like this but you had not a care in the world bullying this man over and giving a snarky attitude right back to him.

You use your nails to lightly scratch into David's scalp, really trying to massage his head to the best of your abilities. You had picked for David a Bourbon Vanilla Scented bundle. It smelt amazing and you figured Dwayne would appreciate his bottle blonde smelling like something he enjoyed. David may have been frustrated with your attitude but the minute the warm water hit his back along with you massaging his head it was like all his troubles melted away. The pack has mostly stolen stuff from stores if they could and taken showers at the public beach wash off or go to Maxes house where he had a shower room to use.

Those were fine but this was different. It was more relaxing than something of necessity.The hot water was plentiful and David had never known having someone wash his hair for him could feel this intoxicating. You finished rinsing the rest of David's hair from the conditioner as you pushed on his shoulders motioning to get up from the chair tossing a block of soap at him and a luffa. “ You're done pretty boy now go scrub yourself good. If you want trimmers or razors there's a grooming kit over there. “ You pulled Dwayne over from his spot where he had gotten done washing his body to have him sit in the chair for his turn.

The man hummed contently as you got to work, first rinsing his hair then latherining the shampoo from the ends of his hair to the roots. “ You're so good at this sweetness. Where did you pick up this talent hmm. “ You nod in response focused on your work, the scent of eucalyptus and coconut filling your nose. “ I don't wash customers' hair, it's not a service I provide. But I'm used to helping my cousin wash her curls out so it's somewhat similar. “ The man smiles into your embrace enjoying the time as he watches his beloved look like a kicked puppy at your gentle conversation compared to his attitude filled one. “Mm we must be special then. Should I help you wash through yours then princess.”

You lather in the conditioner before replying to the man watching the water trace down his tanned form. “ I don't need my hair washed right now. I had a proper shower before work so I just need to rinse off before the spa bath. “ David's ears perk up from his spot at the mention of a spa. “ You have a spa in this bathroom? How many spaces can fit in this one building? “ You look up from your work to make eye contact with the curious man. “ This building has spacial magic imbued into the very foundation of it. So the rooms and everything that's not the main entrance and the stage room is in this pocket of space in the in-between. You could walk through thousands of doors without ending in a room that's the actual building. And for your question of my room, I have a hot spring spa in mine because I've been enjoying them with my dad since I was just a small thing and others seem to like it to. “

“If this is your room. Do you actually stay here and sleep?.” You laughed at Dwayne's question shaking your head in a firm no. “ The bathroom and closets I use and it connects to where I actually sleep but no I don't sleep were I feed. It would be too personal. Plus I have to cosleep to actually be able to reach a state of rest so sleeping alone in that big bed I'd never be able to keep my eyes closed. “ You finish rinsing out Dwaynes hair as you step in the shower giving yourself a quick rinse off with your soaps. “ Is cosleeping something you'll always have to do?.” David admires you from a far watching the water and suds flowing down your body was exciting something inside him once again.

“ If I ever get Mates it will be their responsibility to co sleep with me as I'll require their heartbeat and temperature to sleep. Though I guess you guys sleep upside down in your cave so I'd be shit outta luck as your mate. Say since we're questioning sleeping habits. Do you guys cuddle together like bats do or is it just a thing bats do.” You tense us as you feel a warm body press into yours ghosting kisses to the back of your collared neck. “ We would sleep with you every day. Anything to take care of our princess. “ Your heart catches in your throat as you instinctively scatter into a swarm standing outside the shower, flared spikes acting as your shield as hands block over your collar. The pair stare in shock and awe at this display of supernatural abilities.

“ The neck is off limits I tell you! Off limits.” Your face is red and embarrassment is thick. David moves closer to you with a wicked smile on his face. “ Oh it's off limits is it? But it's just a kiss to your neck, no biting princess. “ You freeze as the man gets closer to mischief dancing through his eyes. You make a sprint for the hot spring to get away from his advances. David follows quickly in pursuit, chuckling as he chases you straight into the water diving after you. You two take a tumble in as Dwayne rushes in to the room behind you. When you come up for air you're squirming as David is putting kisses along your collar as your bare form is trapped against his arms.

“ You've been riling me up all night. And I finally found a way to pay you back. Keep squirming I'll just keep kissing. “ Dwayne steps in the water as your splashing doesn't seem to put a end to David's on slaughted torment. “ I give I give. David! “ David stops as Dwayne releases you from the blonde scooping your exhausted form into his own setting you down in the water. “ I think we should be resting you two. We only have a few hours left. “ You let out a sigh as you sink into the water only your head popping out to shoot a glare at David. “ Guess we should start winding down for the night. You were right (y/n) this hot spring water is amazing. “

“ Of course it is, it's a hot spring. “ The rest of the hours were spent relaxing in the tub with short small talk between you and Dwayne while you moved away from David who was still trying to antagonize you. Tomorrow you'd get a break from one blonde and start your date endeavor with two even more chaotic blondes. What had you gotten yourself into.

( Previous Chapter )

( Chapter 5 )

Comments are always appreciated. This took way longer to put out and make than I thought it would.

[fandomtherapy44]

castiel x reader chapter 14

Summary: This story is from the perspective of Y/n Winchester. The sister Of Sam and Dean. We will be starting from season four since sadly we did not get Misha Collins as Castiel throughout the whole series. It will start off as a friendship, but it will grow more as the series goes on. I will be skipping some episodes even though they are great episodes they do not push the story forward. I am so excited to get to write this since there are not many Castiel X reader stories out there. Okay without further due Love War & Grace enjoy the Story.

Paring: Castiel X Reader

word count: 2,833

Warnings: Some language, Typical Supernatural violence, Spoilers for season four of Supernatural

I got the divider from

Firefly Graphics

Cas’s POV

Orders, obedience, and being a faithful soldier never mattered to me to go against until I met the Winchesters until I met her in particular. My orders to save Dean Winchester I did without thinking twice I did everything asked of me. My whole existence had never been that important until my garrison got the order to save the Winchester from Hell. But before I saved him I saved his sister.

About two months before we got the order I heard one of the biggest cries of help I've ever felt from a human. Angels aren't supposed to answer prayers. That was God’s job but no Angel had seen him in so long all we had was orders from some higher power that I had never seen. So I did something I never thought I would, I answered her prayer. I flew down and I didn’t have a vessel but I did have a presence.

“I don’t know what I’m doing out here I- I'm just so tired so whatever is out there I'm begging you.” She was sobbing on her knees now. “Bring him back! Bring him Back!” I didn’t know what to do. I had never seen human emotions like this before. So I did the only thing I could do.

I lifted my wing and put it on her shoulder as I did something happened, I felt her pain, happiness, and joy. I have never felt really before. It was an overwhelming experience but wonderful at the same time. She began to stop and looked around for what had helped her but couldn't see me so she got up and whispered “Thank you.” That was the first time Y/n Winchester made me feel something but it wouldn't be the last.

Y/N’s POV

After we arrived back at Bobby’s I went straight to sleep pretty sure I had a concussion but I didn't have time to worry about that. We had to find Sam. I woke up to the sounds of Bobby and Dean talking well more like arguing. “Yeah, I heard you. I'm not calling him.” That’s when I walked into the conversation. “What do you mean Dean of course we are calling him.” Dean ignored my sentence. “How’s the head kid.” “I'll live now why won’t you call Sam!?” “We are damn near kickoff for Armageddon, don't you think we got bigger fish at the moment?” “Really! Our brother is not important right now. Dean this is when he needs us now more than ever!” “I know you're pissed. And I'm not making apologies for what he's done, but he's your–” Bobby added in. “Blood? He's my blood, is that what you were gonna say?” Dean snapped back.

“He's your brother. And he's drowning.” “Thank you, Bobby!” “Bobby, we tried to help him, we did. Look what happened.” “So we try again Damnit!” “It's too late.” I scoffed at him. “There's no such thing.” Bobby is trying so hard to convince him because my words aren't doing much. “No, damnit! No. I gotta face the facts. Sam never wanted part of this family. He hated this life growing up. Ran away to Stanford first chance he got. Now it's like déjà vu all over again. Well, I am sick and tired of chasing him. Screw him, he can do what he wants.” “How could you say that Dean! Just because he wanted his own life he’s what, no longer our brother!?” “You don't mean that.” “Yes I do, Bobby. Sam's gone. He's gone. I'm not even sure if he's still my brother anymore. If he ever was.” I gasped and started to tear up.

Bobby looked pissed off to all seven layers of Hell. Knocking things over. Getting in Dean’s face. “You stupid, stupid son of a bitch! Well, boo hoo, I am so sorry your feelings are hurt, princess! Are you under the impression that family's supposed to make you feel good?! Bake you an apple pie, maybe? They're supposed to make you miserable! That's why they're family!” “I told him, "You walk out that door, don't come back" and he walked out anyway! That was his choice!” “You sound like a whiny brat. No, you sound like your dad. Well, let me tell you something. Your dad was a coward.”

I had never heard Bobby talk about Dad like that. It felt good. “My dad was a lot of things, Bobby, but a coward?” “He'd rather push Sam away than reach out to him. And blame N/n for your Mom’s passing. Well, that don't strike me as brave. You are a better man than your daddy ever was. So you do both of us a favor. Don't be him.” “Dean he’s right you have always been better than Dad.” Dean was facing the window he turned back to respond and I blinked and when I opened my eyes again I was in a room that I'd never been in before.

“What… the… fuck maybe I should have gotten my head checked out.” The room was traced out in gold and famous art hung on the walls. It looked like a room that would cost a thousand dollars just to get in. “This is real Y/n and you do have a small concussion. “Of fucking course.” It was Zachariah.

“So what is all this and where the Hell is Dean.” I gestured around the room, and then I noticed in the middle of the table were all my favorite snacks and drinks. “This Y/n is a waiting room and to answer your second question that you asked so nicely he’s in the other one.” “What am I waiting for?” “Well, it’s really to hold you from stopping your brothers.” He saw my confused face. “You know that face is almost cute, if we let you go you would try to stop Sam and we can’t have that.” “Why!?” “Because it is Dean’s destiny, not your’s. Your’s is to support from the sidelines because sweetheart you were born for the sidelines.” I never wanted a knife in my hands more. He picks up a drink and sips it in satisfaction. “Oh, I heard about your little spat with Castiel so Sad.” I didn't even have a comeback. “I'll come get you when everything is said and done… maybe.” He disappeared with his stupid smirk. I sat down thinking how the Hell I would get out of this one.

I pick up my phone and give Sam a call and of course no answer. At least I can leave a message “Sam I know you feel guilty about hurting us. But the thing is I already forgive you because I know you. You my big brother who has always been there for me, you taught me that it was okay to want something more than this life that we got sucked into because of Dad. I don’t think I ever told you but uh I was so proud of you for Stanford I am still. So please whatever happens know I lo-”

The message got cut off. I threw the phone and as I did it passed Cas. “I heard you got hurt.” “Oh so suddenly the distraction can get medical help.” “Y/n please.” “No, you know what Cas I have never seen you as a way to get things. I have always chosen this friendship over that! I don’t know what got in you but right now that doesn't matter I need you to bring me to Sam.”

“Have you forgotten what happened the last time you met?” “No. That's the whole point. He needs us.” “No.” “What do you mean, no? Are you saying that I'm trapped here?” “You can go wherever you want.” “Great, then I want to see Sam.” “Except there.” “Of course. Whatever screw you, I'm out of here.” I walk towards the door. “Through what door?” I look again and the doors and Cas are gone.

I pick up a mini-statue and start to hit the wall one way or another I was going to get out of here. I hit the wall so hard that dust flew in my eyes I went to rub them and when I went back the wall looked brand new. “Really! Fuck!” I threw the statue down and it smashed in pieces. “You and your brother could be twins with how you're like monkeys.”It was Zachariah. “Let me go.” “Like I said we can't have you stop Sam that is Dean’s job.” “I think that’s bullshit because why does it matter who stops him as long we stop… you don’t want it to stop do you?” “You're smarter than I thought and nope. Never did. The end is nigh. The apocalypse is coming, kiddo, to a theater near you.” He’s so smug in his words.

“And the seals?” “Our grunts on the ground -- we couldn't just tell them the whole truth. We'd have a full-scale rebellion on our hands. I mean, think about it. Would we really let 65 seals get broken unless senior management wanted it that way?” “And Cas is one of those grunts.” He laughs at my words. “You know this little friendship between the two of you was cute in the beginning but now it’s just annoying. Of course, he is, sweetheart I mean that’s all he was ever and all he is going to be.” “Why the apocalypse?” “Why not? The apocalypse? Poor name, bad marketing -- puts people off. When all it is is Ali/Foreman. On a... slightly larger scale. And we like our chances. When our side wins -- and we will -- it's paradise on earth. Now, what's not to like about that?” “What about all people in your pissing match.”

“Well... you can't make an omelet without cracking a few eggs. In this case... truckloads of eggs, but you get the picture. Look... it happens. This isn't the first planetary enema we've delivered.” He sits down on the couch like it was a throne. “ “What about Sam? He won't go quietly. He'll stop Lilith.” “Sam... has a part to play. A very important part. He may need a little nudging in the right direction, but I'll make sure he plays it.” “What the hell does that mean?” “Don’t worry as I said that it is for Dean.” “Tell me something. Where's God in all this?” “God? God has left the building.” That left chills down my spine.

I tried to call Sam and Dean but of course, all I got was busy signals. It was like being a kid again being kept on the sidelines while my brothers and Dad hunted. I hated it then and now I despise it. I hear those damn wings flutter. “You won't be able to reach them Y/n.” “What are you going to do to Sam?” I asked him not daring to look up, already knowing the answer. “Nothing. He's gonna do it to himself.” “And what does that even mean Cas?” I finally looked at him. “Right I mean I’m just a distraction so why tell me anything.” I chuckled dryly. “I don't even know why you're here?”

“You are a not distraction!” “Really! What changed your Damn mind!?” “I thought about everything we’ve been together and you never used me for my powers I just didn't want it to end like this.” “What? Me mad at you because you hurt me. When you call someone a distraction you don’t just say sorry and everything is dandy Cas.” “I mean what does our friendship mean to you cause I'll tell you what you mean to me!” At this point, my emotions were in charge of everything.

“Cas you saved me, without you, I probably would have made a deal with the devil himself to get Dean back! You have been the one light that has not burned out on me. You're my best friend. I would take all the pain in the world for another second of banter from my brothers. Another Idjit from Bobby. Another minute of you being happy is what our friendship means to me, what about you?” I ended with tears rolling down my face. He didn't answer. “You know what my brother is about to die because of a destiny put together way before we were ever even a thought of our brothers I would like to spend my last hour thinking about my family instead with a spineless coward so go.” “Y/n-” “GO!” He flies and I fall to my knees crying out soul.

I didn't even know what to think or to feel. I am a whole mess of emotions. I was never going to see my brothers or Bobby again and … Cas. Damnit before I would say goodbye to any jackass who would be like this to me but Cas has somehow avoided my complete wrath and that only means one thing. But I didn't get much time to dwell on it until he showed up again. “Cas I told you-” Then he completely shocks me and shoves me up against the wall covering my mouth.

He takes out a knife and wow that is the last time I tell someone how their friendship means to me. Then he cuts himself. Zachariah flashes in “Castiel! Would you mind explaining just what the hell you're doing?” Cas makes a sigil and Zach flashes out. “Cas what is going On!?” “He won't be gone long. We have to find Sam now.” “Where is he?” “I don't know. But I know who does. We have to stop him, Y/n, from killing Lilith.” ‘But Lilith's gonna break the final seal.” “Lilith is the final seal. She dies, the end begins.” 

We grabbed Dean and we popped into Chuck’s house. Unfortunately, we popped in when he was ordering some type of service that included women's company. He sees us and is flabbergasted and disappointed. “Wait. T-t-this isn't supposed to happen.” The poor woman on the other end spoke. “No, lady, this is definitely supposed to happen, but I just got to call you back.” “St. Mary's? What is that, a convent?” Dean asked. “Yeah, but you guys aren't supposed to be there. You're not in this story. Especially you Y/n.” “As I keep being told.” I sarcastically say with an annoyed smile on my face.

“Yeah, well… We're making it up as we go.” Cas said looking at me and I gave him a small smile in return. At that moment the walls started to shake and bright light was invading the windows. “Aw, man! Not again! No!” Chuck yelled out. Cas turned to me. “I'll hold him off! I'll hold them all off! Just stop Sam!” “WHAT NO I'M NOT LEAVING YOU CAS!” I screamed at him. “You were right from before, you are my best friend and because of you I can freely feel. Thank you, Y/n Winchester” He grabs my shoulder and Dean’s. “Cas No NO-” We drop into the convent.

“Don’t worry Y/n I'm sure he's okay he's an angel he's Cas.” Cas you stupid son of a bitch for making me… “Ok let's go get our dumbass brother.” We run down the hall and what we see is not good. Ruby Sees us and slams the door with her mind. I knew that bitch wasn't really turned good. We ran over. “SAM! SAM!” We pounded on the door. “Dean wait wait ok 1…2…3!” We kicked the door open. “You're too late.” She said so smugly. “I dont care.” Sam held her. I grabbed the demon's knife and stabbed her.

“I.told.you” She dropped to the floor dead. In the middle of the ground next to dead Lillith a bright white light shot up and everything started to shake. Sam looks at both of us with a shamed look. “Guys I’m sorry.” Dean grabs our shoulders. “Guy’s let's go!” We run to the door and it closes in front of us. “Guys... he's coming.” This was it. The end times the devil and of course, we were right smack in the middle of but we are Winchesters we could do anything.

Well guys that was it I just got to spill my soul real quick lol. I just want to thank everyone that has read this story that has liked it and read it and looked at it. I am planning to do all seasons which might take awhile but it is my goal to make a great story to the best of my abilities. So excited for the next book. I love season 5 so much I don't know when the next chapter will be I want to focus on my other stories for a little while. But overall thank you for reading the first book of love, war and grace. See you y'all next time hopefully on my other stories but for now xoxo Gossip Girl ;) ;)

[skys-archive]

Rock Lee, vs Disability

This is kind of all over the place. Basically talking about the disability representation we could have had, what we did have, and how just other things around it. This started as just kind of specifically how he could've been great disability rep if they hadn't healed him after his fight with Gaara, but I had more to say so here we are. I'm sure I'll talk about him again when I make my comprehensive post about non canonically disabled characters.

As much as I love Rock Lee and I've always been glad to see him heal and become a great shinobi like he always dreamed, a part of me also wishes he didn't get better. I want a story in popular media of someone who doesn't get to go after their original dreams, the way so many disabled people aren't.

Yes, it was powerful to see a story of advances of medicine and how Tsunade learned from others even an enemy, and Lee being able to get to his dreams despite such horrible odds. But, what about a story of someone who can't? An operation that's too risky, or nonexistent, and how people have to completely rework what they wanted their lives to be because of an illness or injury?

I personally always wanted to in physical jobs, protecting and helping other people. I briefly thought about coast guard or army, for a long time I wanted to be in the fire department or a paramedic. I loved sports like cross country. But those aren't really options for me anymore.

I would love to see a story exploring that. The grief that comes with it, having to rework your life plans. Lee is full of passion in everything he does, I would've loved to see him lose that passion, but learn to find other things to give that passion to.

Maybe see him go into the medical field, hoping help others in the same situation, whether by rehabilitating them so they can follow the dreams he couldn't, or being an example to them as a disabled person who still found joy in a different field, and inspiring them in a way he didn't have.

I think the anime/manga did a genuinely good job at showing the grief and pain and anger that comes with having your dreams ripped away from you, and I think that was really important too, but it would've been so much more powerful if you saw him grow past it instead of just giving him an out.

And also, Gai outright telling Lee to get the surgery just feels, uncomfortable. While sure I think Lee is the kind of person who would've done it anyway, he had big dreams and would do anything if it even had a chance of getting it to him, the people around him still should have been more on the side of letting him make his own decisions. Though in real life people will try to convince you one way or the other. And it wouldn't be a problem if there was variety but there's not really. At the very beginning Tsunade sort of reccomends he doesn't because it's bad odds, but she's a medical professional so, I don't know. Gai reccomends he does. That's it.

The way he was represented that I thought was good was his inability to use genjutsu or ninjutsu. If I had to guess it would be due to a lack of ability to channel his chakra. While I can't think of a real world counterpart at the moment, I'm sure there are similar disabilities, and really any disabled person can relate to just simply not being able to do the same things as their able bodied peers.

Anyway that's my thoughts on Rock Lee and disability

[allfortzu]

the entire world, them

-- tzuyu / twice. 876 - fluff, gen - requested, hcs. MEN DNI

what would tzuyu do if her members forgot her birthday?

it's a strange feeling 

there was some disappointment when she didn't receive any wishes at 12, but that was more of an above-and-beyond hope rather than an expectation 

now it's 11 in the morning, and she still hasn't received a single one

it's a chest tightening sadness, the sort that tugs at her heartstrings and blanks her mind completely

of course, other people have remembered; casual friends, colleagues, even that old lady down the street who sells custard bungeoppang

but it's not the same when the people who actually matter don't say it 

not that everyone else didn't matter, but these were her favourite people

the ones she would drop the entire world for 

wouldn't they do the same for her? 

she tries not to make a big deal out of it, though 

it's just a birthday; they've been together for so long that even birthday wishes lose their significance, right? 

she doesn't register most of the day, really

every moment she has with them, there's a suffocating urge to ask: it's my birthday, aren't we celebrating?

and it shows, too

she's quieter, more sullen in her movements. doesn't even really want to spend the day with them anymore

but she's got a job to do, so it's less of a choice for her 

"tzu, you okay?" jeongyeon asks, sensing the change in tzuyu's demeanour

you know why i'm acting like this 

though, now that someone's actually noticed, she feels a little pathetic for being so obvious  

it's less that she thinks they've forgotten, because they would never forget, she's sure

but that would mean they've simply grown to stop caring about it 

so was it wrong that tzuyu still looked forward to it, then? 

was it weird that she looked forward to them showering her in their love all day 

that all their attention would be on her, they would hug her, kiss her, and everything would go as she wanted? 

tzuyu manages her most convincing smile. "i'm fine, just tired." 

the day is a blur

she finds that she doesn't enjoy her birthday that much 

if birthday wishes were real, she wishes wasn't the type who cared

holds back her tears because she's angry and she doesn't want to cry about something not worth her emotions

normally, they would have a birthday dinner together 

tzuyu thinks about treating herself, but even that only serves to remind her of the lack of an actual birthday dinner with her members 

she walks back to her apartment, and for once, can't wait for her birthday to be over 

but then it comes 

and it hits suddenly

she's startled for a second, eight girls in the doorway of her apartment 

"happy birthday!" 

pure, unadulterated joy

she doesn't know why she starts bursting out in tears 

"i thought you all forgot…" she sniffles, rubbing at her nose with the back of her palm, hiding her swollen face behind her hands

"hey, why are you crying!" nayeon panics, lifting the cake up to tzuyu's eyes. "happy birthday?!"

"oh, poor baby," sana coos, pouting herself. "when have we ever forgotten your birthday?" 

she's smothered in an overwhelming group hug, barely able to reciprocate from how much she's crying and the sheer force of it 

she hiccups through her words, the sentences coming out in incoherent mewls

no one can really understand, so they all pile on with their own version of an explanation

"we just wanted it to be a surprise," dahyun purses her lips, downturned

"it was jeongyeon's idea!" chaeyoung points accusingly.

"excuse me," jeongyeon scoffs. "it was a group effort, mind you!"

momo suddenly develops an acute interest in the ground

"personally, i thought it would be a bad idea," mina shrugs, holding her arms up in defense 

"ya! don't lie!" jihyo screams, smacking mina on the shoulder 

an uncontrollable laughter escapes from the base of tzuyu's throat, spilling over in between sobs 

"see! it wasn't that bad of an idea!" jeongyeon says. "she's happy… ish?”

looking at all of them, she finally notices the the little things throughout the day

how chaeyoung let her lay on her shoulder to rest 

how mina got her a cold drink from the cafeteria 

how nayeon paid for her lunch

how dahyun bought her desert after

how momo gave her a thumbs up when she got the choreography down right

how jihyo watched her closely through the mirror, more than she usually would 

and how sana would pat her gently on the head whenever they talked, tip toeing and grinning but never saying why

of course they cared

"i love you all," tzuyu mumbles under her breath, sheepish. "don't do this again, though." 

"ah,” nayeon hums, taking a step forward to pinch tzuyu's cheeks. “you really are the cutest.”

it sets off a ripple of coos and teases from the other members as well, and she's smothered in hugs and kisses once again 

by then, they've created a circle around tzuyu, right in the middle of her apartment 

a bubble from the rest of the world

a place for her to whine and complain about not receiving any birthday wishes 

a space for her to be the type that cares too much, unashamedly 

this is her world — what is there to drop?

[lavender-lotion]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

How many works do you have on ao3?

868, which is bonkers???

What's your total ao3 word count?

2,445,126 words! I'm aiming for 5mil within the next decade haha

What fandoms do you write for?

CURRENTLY I am (only) writing teen wolf fic! it's so strange to be back where I started, but it's also been really nice coming back to all these familiar characters

Top five fics by kudos:

1. (baby) maybe that matters more - Steter, 40k

2. The Perceptions of You and I - Seter, 5k

3. With You, I Belong - Stalion, 59k

4. Mates and Marriage Proposals - Steter, 15k

5. Breathing You In - Steter, 29k

... should I just call myself a steter writer at this point?

Do you respond to comments?

yes!! all the time. literally nothing brings me as much joy as comments do

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I reaaaaally don't write a lot of angst, but one of the unhappiest fics I've ever written is probably this one?

And Now? - Stetopher, 300 words

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

there actually isn't one fic I would say that fits this? I primarily write schmoop, so a lot of my fic would count as having very happy endings! p

Do you get hate on fics?

oooooooh yeah babes. I've gotten some mean comments lol

Do you write smut?

yes! not a favourite thing of mine, but I do write it here and there. I recently wrote a fic w/ smut that I really really liked it!

keep me warm in the cradle of your skin - Sterekira, 7k

Craziest crossover:

ooooh this is actually SUCH an easy answer for me! it's 100% this one teen wolf/x-men cross over (possibly my only one?) where Logan (wolverine) knew the sheriff from the way when they'd been lovers and he goes to find him, and stiles is a lil jean grey esque character. I think about this thing allllll the time, too. I freaking love it.

what-ifs (don’t fuckin’ matter to no one) - Logan (X-Men)/Sheriff Stilinski, 2k

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I have actually! I only know of one for sure, and it was a stackson fic that someone had reposted to ao3? im so glad I found it (I think someone sent it to me?) and I was able to report it and get it taken down!

Have you ever had a fic translated?

yes! I love it, it's such a crazy labour of love. if you wanna translate my work, just send me a link so I can see it!

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

me & @flightinflame co-wrote an almando series where we wrote the same fic from different pov's which was a suuuuuper super fun experience! I've started a few other co-writes, but unfortunately they've never taken off and gone anywhere :(

there's nothing i wouldn't do to make you feel my love - Almando, 27k

All time favourite ship?

nope. nope nope nope I don't knowwwwwww

What's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

oh!! this is marked completed on ao3 now because honestly, I'm never going to finish it, but I love love love the premise of this one and I always wished I had finished it

Love Thy Family - Stilinskicest, 12k

What are your writing strengths?

this is soooo tricky lol I hate talking about myself. I would say probably dialogue! I also really like how I write romance, specifically getting together works, and I think I do a good job at nailing down the feelings that go along with them!

What are your writing weaknesses?

settings. actions. plot. I hate plot!

Thoughts on dialogue in another language?

I used to use a looooot more than I do now, and I would use google translate. it's never GREAT, so I mostly avoid it now. I'll translate like, a single sentence every now and again, but I don't do a lot with it anymore.

as for how I feel about it as a reader - as long as I can figure out what's going on from context clues, I really don't mind it!

First fandom you wrote in?

Percy Jackson & the Olympians!

To Long For Lust - Percico, 3k

Favorite fic you've written?

this is sooooo hard and so unfair and so difficultimpossiblehorrible to answer. if I had to pick one, gun to my head, it would currently be poly fic. it's the longest, plotiest, most developed thing I've ever written, and if nothing else, it's shown me that I can write things I've never imagined being able to write! once im done act 4, I wanna print it out lol

lift our faces, together, towards the glistening - Stisaackson, 159k

@lucky-bishop @mirrorthoughts @thotpuppy @like-lazarus @rosieposiepuddingnpie @kordyceps @whimsicalmeerkat

[madebysamael]

It's breakdown time again.

My mental health hasn't been great for a while. Tbh, it started tanking after I worked as a vendor selling my handmade jewelry at pride shows in June.

Which went great!! I had best-selling shows and people were really excited about my art. It was awesome.

And then I had to go back to work.

I work full-time, at a desk job in a corporate office. The company is in an industry often used to represent soulless antagonists in movies. My job itself is a specialized position that requires a lot of mental labor. Finding time and energy to create is a challenge, even in the times where things are balanced.

And lately it's been really tough, because the work that needs doing is what I, a person who suspects myself to be on the autism spectrum somewhere, find hellish: I have to navigate bureaucracy and act as a diplomat. I have to coordinate projects between different people and act as a liaison. Most of my job isn't doing anymore, it's figuring out who I need to reach out to, and when, and how do I phrase this so I don't offend anyone? It's inefficient, circular, and often requires me to dance with office politics.

I'm. So. Exhausted.

So, after dragging myself away from the laptop where I've been sending emails and updating spreadsheets all week, I was so excited, because last weekend, I got to escape to my favorite fantasy world: Good Omens. To a life in color, to an eternity ever after.

You all know what happens.

It opened the floodgates. I started losing focus at work, couldn't remember where we were at on projects, who I was waiting on, who I needed to contact - hell, I couldn't even remember to bring my lunch.

I was thinking about GO, but not about the story itself. Instead, it was about how, best-case scenario, it will be 2+ years before they get their happy ending. About how leaving them in limbo for so long fucking hurts.

About how 2-3 years is a long time. Long enough for Neil, David or Michael to have an accident, an illness. About how it would never be the same if they had to recast, or if someone else wrote. Imagine GO without Michael's microexpressions, without David's face reading like an open book even with glasses on. Without Neil's love for the world he shared with Terry pouring out into every single frame of it.

2-3 years is a long time. Long enough for me to get in a car accident, to develop cancer. I already had a cancer scare in 2022; luckily, I was fine. One of my best friends got lymphoma around my age. She, luckily, is also fine now.

But one of my other best friends, who had a heart attack, just a few years older than me... He's in a wooden box in his wife's living room.

And his 10-year wedding anniversary was on July 27, 2023. The day GOS2 was released.

So here I am. A week later, trying to keep it together and failing, thinking it's just a fucking TV show, it shouldn't matter so much...

But it's never just one thing. Every pain carries the weight of all the pain that came before it. I'm carrying the weight of Karl's death, of Steph's cancer, of the family members I've lost that would take too long to list here, several before even David's age.

And I'm struggling to even draw now. Or make jewelry, or sew. The creative pursuits, the things that are supposed to make the rote office job worth it, the things it supports... I feel no joy for them. Even simple things like screenshot studies are excruciating, taking far too long. My problem-solving skills are completely drained at work, and that makes drawing so much harder.

I see so many others creating beautiful things from the pain and getting well-deserved recognition for it. But the ideas aren't coming for me, and even if they were, where would I find the energy?

I don't know how to dig myself out of this spiral. It's so very tiring, and so very, very lonely.

[funkymbtifiction]

Hii! What are some core differences between INFP 9 vs 6? I can't decide for the life of me if I am the former or the latter.

Your MBTI type really doesn't matter when discovering your Enneagram type. In a nutshell 9s are chill and 6s are the opposite. The way 9s annoy themselves and others is to be passive and not take action on their own behalf and to avoid anything difficult. The way 6s annoy themselves and others is to be neurotic and fearful, reinforcing their fears rather than dismantling them (the world is a scary place full of bad people and I need to be careful!).

One mental distinction that I was discussing with a 9 yesterday is that as a withdrawn type, he gets lost in the flow of life and forgets other people exist. It doesn't occur to him to stay in touch with his friends or that they expect to know things about what's happening in his life; time just sort of gets away from him, which means he can come back to a relationship a few weeks or even months later, and then is shocked when that person is mad at him for "disappearing" -- why are they acting so cold about this? Do they think they deserve my attention? Immediate 9ish anger sets in; is this relationship a privilege or do you think you have a right to know everything? Truth is, as a withdrawn type... he doesn't remember to stay in touch, and also, in his mind, thinking is the same as doing. He can think happily about someone without taking the initiative to reach out first. Then, a year later, he can pick up where he left off.

This is nothing like the 6, which has to remain attached to others. 6s think about the people they care about and wonder where they are, they consider how much they are contributing, and they move toward their friends eager to maintain the connection as attachment types (the true attachment types, as opposed to the "withdrawn" 9). When others are missing from the 6's life, the self-doubt and questioning starts. Where are they? are they okay? did I say something wrong? should I comb back over our e-mails and find what I could have said to make them ignore me for weeks? what if they come back and I'm not attached to them anymore? where have you been?? For the 6, a super-ego type, it's my job to reach out, to maintain the connection, to find out what's going on, to maintain our relationship, because I need/want others close to me.

Secondly, gut types just know, especially as IFPs. I want this, I don't want that, I hate that this is happening, it infuriates me. 6s have to think their way to everything. It's like Marie Kondo, a gut type, says -- "Keep what sparks joy." A 9: sure thing, can do. A 6: HUH? What does joy feel like? If I hold this thing, does it give me more joy than that other thing? How do I know what joy even is? Are there different levels of joy? The mind of a 9 can have anxiety, but they put a blanket of calm over it and immediately go take a nap. (It's a semi-true running joke with my 9 friends that whenever they feel anxious or overwhelmed, it's time to go to sleep!) The mind of a 6 is way louder, a lot busier, it's "buzzy" with thoughts and fears and over-analysis. We can't sleep it off, we become more and more anxious when things go wrong. The 9's first reaction is repressed anger; 6s first reaction is fear. 9s are easily overwhelmed by life; 6s are easily frustrated.

Lastly, 9s pull away from people altogether when their life isn't going well, because it doesn't occur to them as a withdrawn type that others would want to help. 6s move toward their support systems for encouragement and assistance. So when grandpa has a heart attack and is dying, the 9 vanishes, feeling overwhelmed by life and all the feelings and really needing to rest, and the 6 tells all their friends.

[rumor-imbris]

Solstice day 2023

My dearest readers, mutuals, followers, friends Sorry for leaving very few traces of me on here lately but my absence. My heart feels very heavy and now that this year is heading towards its end I felt the need to lighten it a bit, as much as I can.

This year started badly and ended worse. From the beginning I had to struggle with my mental health, personal issues, fears, insecurities, phobias and constant self-doubt; always pushing myself to find the strength to live on my own height, in my job, in my passions and hobbies, to be good at everything I do, to be someone, anyone, to be perfect. And if I'm not, then it's a reason to ask myself what's wrong.

I achieved some goals, little ones. Giant ones for somebody, never big enough to me, but I keep on trying. I try to keep on trying. I thought I could save the year... stepping on the path to face my deepest fears, being impeccable at the last audition, starting to write down anything of the dreamed novel sleeping in my mind... But then a new hole swallowed me, striking from under my feet unexpectedly.

Yesterday I lost my little ginger joy, my beloved prince, my furry friend, comfort, a piece of my soul. My cat Lucifero (Lu for almost everybody) was 11 years and 4 months old and was majestically beautiful. He suffered from a renal failure which turned very serious in a few days, until his kidneys became totally inactive. We had to euthanize him to stop his sufferings, for he wasn't able to eat, drink or even stand on his paws anymore. It was the worst thing I ever did in my life, one of the most painful moments my memory got marked with. I was forced to take that decision for his own good, helped by the great kindness and clarity from the veterinarian stuff who guided me during the whole heartbreaking procedure. Even my parents, who took care of Lu since I went to live elsewhere, are in such pain and can't believe it.

Still I wonder if I did a big mistake, if I do deserve to live while he is in the ground now, if I do deserve to breathe since I was the one who allowed to make his breath cease...

I cry all my tears still, my pain has come to know a new unknown depth and I sincerely say that I hate life, for beginning and for ending the way it does. This carousel of night and day, give and take, live and die, eat and be eaten really made me tired. Dead tired. And the most beautiful things, the most beloved wither as frail flowers, while I keep walking, rot inside.

I don't know what the new year will take, I just know I have this march to continue, with a heavier heart weighing me down... and I cannot stop, for those I love. When I kissed my baby Lu goodbye, I promised him we'll be together again as atoms shining in the same bright star someday, and I believe we will.

I hope I didn't sadden you guys too much, and I'm sorry for such a gloom post; but I think it's fair from me, especially for those of you who were gently waiting for new posts, to say that I might take a hiatus time and not be around for a while. At least, until inspiration comes back igniting me again, as Ratonhnhaké:ton still fills my dreams and heartbeats.

Until then, Happy Holidays; wish you the greatest opportunities and joys for the new coming year. Be strong, whatever you all are going through, whatever demon you're fighting, outside or inside of you. I root for you.

Take care

Yours truly

Rumor Imbris

[effervescentdragon]

Re your interviewers not even sure what to ask anymore ask, that’s me but with the fandom lol. I’m literally this close to just starting to translate all of Toto’s German interviews just to feel like there is Any reason for me to still be here doing Stuff in this fandom, like what am I doing, exactly? Make predictable guesses as to who’s gonna win, only get surprised by DNFs and engine failures and battling in the mid-field, have my grandpa tell me ‘the races have really been going downhill’ and log off??

i posted sth about jude bellinghams dick game on insta on main yday and og bff asked me what im compensating for w footie posting and should he be worried abt my mental state and i said f1, because im just not incentivised to watch it anymore at the moment? im hoping it changes when races stop being so early - i am sad i missed nico's commentary the most tbh. i guess fandoms come and go and things get more and less interesting but the thing for me is - if im not enjoying it, i won't make myself watch/read/do it just because i've made it my Thing. i can have many Things. we all can. i think, when something doesn't bring joy, its good to step back. give yourself time. f1 will be there. 🫂

i also think there is this insidious thing that you have to be "productive" in a fandom, that you have to do, be doing something to justify your presence in it. i know i've felt off because im not churning out 10 ficlets a day anymore, but the fact is - you don't have to DO anything to BE in the fandom (this feels like some metaphor for life but i only took one sip of coffee today so far). fandom is about enjoyment, yohr enjoyment and sharing that enjoyment with people who also love a certain piece of media or whatever. this capitalist bullshit of treating a fandom space like it's a job (what am i contributing? have i met my quota of posting about my blorbo today? how many followers do i have?) like... who the fuck cares. i still count myself into the silm fandom and i havent posted about it in ages. doctor who, star trek, hell, fucking x men and cap america and hannibal and so many things. i am still a fan of so many things that bring me enjoyment. thats why im a fan in a fandom.

i guess what i'm teying to say is that its really hard sometimes, when you lose interest or get disheartened by someting thats brought you joy before. when you feel like you're "failing" at liking something. but i try to remember - im a person, i have interests, interests change. a thing i loved isnt that anymore. okay. not okay, but it's fine. you may find joy again, you may surorise yourself, or you may just drift to something else. you're no less you, and no less a fan, if your intensity isn't the same now as it was yesterday or a decade ago. and with f1... its changing so much that its honestly pretty understandable to feel that way. bff stopped watching during the seb era, came back when it looked like seb might win w ferrari, then skipped the whole lewis era. og bff skipped merc domination era completely. my cousins husband stopped watching the moment alonso won. ive had friends stop watching the moment max won. it happens.

what im saying, too fucking long and winded bcs apparently im in a mood today - dont force yourself into something that doesnt bring you joy. theres so much joy to be found in this world deapite everything, and you're no less you for losing an interest in a fandom.

[theshoesofatiredman]

I'm going through a crisis of faith and I'm terrified of losing everything. Do you have any advice?

My heart goes out to you. We shouldn't have to risk losing everything when we change what we believe, but extreme losses are too often the norm for those who question and change their religious beliefs. I'll try to give some advice, but not knowing any details of your situation take it with a grain of salt.

Having a crisis of faith is to some degree a fairly typical part of being a person of faith. It's happened to plenty of famous faith adherents, people who would be considered theological giants. I say this because when I would tell Christians that I couldn't hear the voice of God anymore, they would blame me. I did something wrong. It was my fault. And I needed to repent of the sin that caused it. Anon this is not a helpful nor do I think it is a true lens to look at your situation through. You have every right to doubt and question and every right to receive answers. And many faith adherents experience periods of silence from their god(s).

Know that it is possible to live a good and fulfilling life apart from your current faith system. There are so many ways to be happy, to find meaning, to have purpose, to enjoy community. Faith and its adherents don't have the sole claim to a joyous and rich existence. I found this to be true after I left my faith in evangelical Christianity behind and still saw love and joy and meaning in my life. In some ways, even more than I did before. Wherever you end up, even if you stay in your faith system, I think it's possible to live a good life filled with wonder.

Find safe people / spaces where you can be in crisis. I would have been so much worse off without the therapist I had in 2021. I got extremely lucky in that she was a liberal episcopalian who had deconstructed from an evangelical upbringing so she was familiar with the shit I was going through. But even a therapist without that background can provide a safe space where you can share what you're experiencing without judgment. There also do exist religious deconstruction communities, online and offline, where people can share their journeys. I took to Tumblr (obviously) but if you can find something in person I think that would be helpful. I started really deconstructing in the height of the pandemic so something in person would've been really hard to find but I encourage you to look for a group in your area. There are people around you walking the same path.

Music was a big part of dealing with the emotional experience of losing my faith. I think probably because music was such a big part of my faith as well. If you can find some music that resonates with your experience, it can help you feel less alone I think.

Prioritize your physical safety. If you become an apostate, don't tell anyone who would be a danger to you. If you could lose your home or your job if they knew you no longer believed, I would recommend keeping that to yourself until you have other options lined up.

As you go on this journey, try to find a variety of perspectives to listen to. Critics, apostates, people in deconstruction, religious leaders, adherents to your faith -- feel out your beliefs with input from across the spectrum.

Here is something I believe, and feel that it's been true in my life so far: you can rebuild. If there's time left in your lifespan, there is probably time to rebuild your life into something new. The losses can be great, but so can the gains. Also, and again I don't know your situation, but you might not lose as much as you think, and there's probably more to gain than you think as well.

That said, I don't want to minimize the real suffering that comes with both the preemptive feeling of "I'm going to lose everything" as well as the actual experience of losing everything. My relationship with my very evangelical family is horrifically fractured because I both embraced being gay and eventually became an atheist. And I still feel the pain from that loss. But I also daily get to experience the joys of my new life as a gay man and the remarkable freedom from the shame that once weighed on me daily.

I hope this helps. Wishing you the best on your journey.

[lilyliveredlittlerichboy]

ive been spending way too much time on terf blogs the past few days and this thing i saw has been living in my head rent free like

(Image description: @/fakeboitherottengirl writes, "You learn to chase gender like you learn to chase any other drug. You chase gender euphoria like an anorexic chasing her skeleton. The next piece of clothing, the next haircut, the next injection, the next operation, THATS the thing you need to be happy. After this next binder or HRT or boob job or dress or tube of makeup your body will finally feel "right". And by the time you've eliminated all the things that could be "wrong", when no hair is left out of place and and you "pass" you realize you are still yourself with all the same pain you've been running from getting closer every day. And suddenly there's nowhere left to run. Your hair can't get any shorter. Your chin can't get any smoother. No shade of lipstick fills the void it once promised to. Capitalism lied to you and is actively profiting off of your gender dysphoria/euphoria. Dysphoric people deserve better than the capitalist "solution" of transition." End image description.)

There's so much wrong with this where do I start. (Soooo tempted to just throw out the whole suitcase but I think there's maybe half a thought in there worth keeping. So here goes)

All of the procedures you've listed above are things cis people do as well. Buy makeup and have boob jobs and get laser hair removal, buy gender-affirming (or gender nonconformity-affirming) clothing and jewellery. Yet somehow it's only bad when trans people do it? Capitalism leaves hollow voids of suffering in all of us. How we fill it is each of our own choice, and all of the things mentioned above are morally neutral. Including drug addiction and even eating disorders, because we believe in a thing called bodily autonomy. heard of it?

The capitalist solution of transitioning: Okay yes lots of trans people spend money on transitioning. A lot of cis people also spend money on gender-affirming clothes, accessories and surgeries. Capitalism has a solution for everything. It's true. BUT: not everyone's transition involves a lot of money, and most trans people are poor af. We cut our own (or each others) hair, get clothes from free clothes swaps and use other forms of mutual aid. Changing your name and pronouns is free! And yes we have to exist under capitalism, great observation sherlock. anything else?

And what, exactly, is a better solution for dysphoric people? Since you acknowledge they exist. Is it to live with their pain forever? I mean, you radfemmy types take enormous pride in suffering and make suffering the very core of your ideology so I can't say I'm surprised. Tell Me, has your suffering enlightened you? Do you know things no one else does? Did you find the light. And why am I reminded of tradcath imagery where you have to suffer to make up for being born, until you die... is this the kind of imagery you strive to invoke? Is your suffering the yoke you toil under forever, to make up for the wrongness in your soul and the void in your heart. Do we all need to find Jesus? Tell Me? (or please maybe just help us dismantle capitalism. yes it wants to sell you solutions to problems that didn't exist until capitalism told you you had them!! yes it hurts everyone!! we agree on this!!)

tldr suffering is great and if you embrace it you won't have to participate in capitalism anymore. but it's fine to participate in capitalism actually, as long as you're being nice and cis about it i guess. womanhood is only suffering and manhood is only violence and there is no room for genuine joy in the human experience. this is what you're telling me yes? okay. cool. okay

anyway I've found so much love and peace from being trans, not really from changing my body (which I BARELY have and still don't really know if I will) but from being part of loving, accepting, truly radical communities. Going from being othered to being part of the othereds. Community is the true value of the queers. Probably you radfems would agree about your own!! You love your communities and want to keep them safe!! See, us too. And we don't have to fight each other to keep ourselves safe. In fact fighting makes all of us less safe! None of us want that.

Anyway it's so difficult to have nuanced (or any) conversations about these things and i appreciate you taking the time to read this. and as much as I understand that my "why can't we all get along uwu 🥺" thing is naive and idealistic, I would much prefer to be naive, idealistic and hopeful, than full of distress and fear and despair at the state of the world - and the state of feminist, body neutral and autonomy affirming activism. (A despair we share, I assure you! Being hopeful anyway is an active choice.)

Hope is hard. It is! I have a lot of practice cultivating mine and it still doesn't come easy. The first step is believing you can have hope, and that things can get better. The next step is to find out what you, personally, can do to actively make things better for people around you. Start hyper-local, log off from the internet for a lil while, consult older activists around you. Millions of people doing tiny things will add up to bigger changes, and you have to believe change is possible. You have to. Otherwise you will get too content in your own misery and stop growing as a person and stop actually making the world better.

"You have to act as if it were possible to radically transform the world. And you have to do it all the time." ― Angela Davis

Anyway, one thing that doesn't help is trying to take away people's bodily autonomy. Whether that's restricting access to abortion, or access to transition, or access to cosmetic surgery, or ability to do sex work, or kink. Just cus you personally think any/all of these are oppressive and evil, doesn't mean you get to make choices for other people on how to live their lives.

Bodily autonomy.

If you're against abortions, don't get one.

If you're against transition, don't get one.

If you're against kink, don't do it.

Some people don't get a choice, such as victims of sex trafficking or Hershel Walker's mistresses when he arranges their abortions. But that doesn't mean you should take the choice away from everyone.

[killerandhealerqueen]

Hi, how are you? You don't know how lucky I am to find your blog. Your user name is the same like my favorite author of devil judge's fanfics. It's you right? Thank you so much for sharing your wonderful works.

Also because of your unique user name, I tried to google it and found out about killer and healer c-drama. I loved them....Really love your "Killer and Healer" fanfics. Thanks for sharing them, they're wonderful.

Dear author, can I ask why you loved "Killer and Healer" and "Devil Judge" (especially the first one)? What makes them special to you?

Your pinned post is like a breath of fresh air, I want to start all of the others. Now that I know I prefer mlm than mlw romance. Since I was little, my mum would take me to watched with her. She loved c-drama but only the het ones (either historical royalty or wuxia/xianxia). And now she loves k-drama (again the het ones).

Not until I found "Nirvana in Fire" (my first mlm ship in cdrama) and "The Untamed" (watched the drama first then read the books).

Sorry for my rambling, hope you have pleasant day.

P.s

Do you mind if I ask your favorite danmei novels and mlm novels?

Feel free if you don't want to answer the last question.

My beloved anon, hello. I'm doing well (a little stressed because of job searching) but other than that, I'm doing well. How about yourself? How are you?

And yes, I am the same person over on ao3 who wrote all of those devil judge fics. And I'm so glad you enjoyed them. While I don't write for that fandom anymore, I'm glad they still bring people joy.

And I'm so glad you like my Killer and Healer fanfics, that really means a lot. They are all my babies and I enjoy writing them immensely.

As for why I loved "Killer and Healer" and "The Devil Judge"...oh boy. This is gonna be a long one, so buckle up.

I honestly had no intention of starting Killer and Healer until after it finished airing, but I saw a few gifsets made by @tytangfei and I'm like "Well fuck it, I can't not watch this thing if they're going to fucking look at each other like that, god damn". So I started it and I was hooked from the get-go. I'm a slut for detective/doctor dynamics so that was already promising for me but then when you watch Jiang Yuelou and Chen Yuzhi interact and how their stories intertwine and how they grow to care for each other...my fucking god if it's not one of the most beautiful and tragic love stories of all fucking time. They're so in love it hurts. I love the characters, I love the story, I love the relationships between all the characters...it's just a really good drama and it has changed me, honestly. Never gonna be the same and I don't regret it at all.

As for the Devil Judge, I watched it and thought that the characters were very similar to Jiang Yuelou and Chen Yuzhi, except Kang Yohan is more willing to bend and break the rules to get what he wants. Jiang Yuelou wouldn't go to a lot of the lengths that Kang Yohan would, but they're very similar trauma wise. Like these two boys are fucked up. And with Gaon and Chen Yuzhi, they both want to help people, they're kind, they wear their hearts on their sleeves...the only difference between them is that Chen Yuzhi is a little bit more firm in his moral standings. He's not easily swayed like Gaon is but Chen Yuzhi also wasn't manipulated for majority of his life by people he thought cared about him. (If we're gonna be real honest, Kang Yohan and Kim Gaon are a lot closer to Zhan Junbai and Yu Tangchun, if you want to make that sort of parallel). But I liked the drama because I thought the dynamic of Kang Yohan and Kim Gaon was fascinating and the way that they're drawn to each other and the way that Gaon slowly comes to find where he stands in the whole mess of the justice system because Gaon is just too nice and wants to change the world but the world isn't just going to change overnight like how the Korean elite or Kang Yohan wanted it to. It was a good time when that drama was airing.

Oh, I'm glad you like my pinned post. Some het dramas aren't bad but they just have to be written well for me to enjoy them. I just normally don't because I'm not a fan of romance dramas. I like my action dramas, my police procedurals, stuff like that. I've watched I think maybe...two actual romance dramas, Love is Written in the Stars (I really only watched it for Ian and Patrick who were in Killer and Healer but I still enjoyed it when I skipped over the romance scenes), and Secret Royal Inspector and Joy (this one I actually enjoyed because it was well written, the cast was funny, and the romance was actually believable).

If you want some good dramas to check out, you should check out my Drama/Movie Masterlist. It has cmovies, cdramas, kmovies, kdramas, jmovies, jdramas, and twdramas (taiwanese dramas) and most of them are things I think you'll enjoy. Maybe. We seem to have similar tastes in dramas.

As for your final question, I don't really read danmeis or mlm novels. I've just never gotten into them. But I can give you a list of my favorite yaoi mangas, if you'd like to check them out:

[Ougi Yuzuha] Darling vol.1 [Eng]

[Ougi Yuzuha] Darling vol.2 [Eng]

[Ougi Yuzuha] Darling vol.3 [Eng]

[Ougi Yuzuha] Darling vol.4 [Eng]

[KATOU Erena, TOTSUKI Eko] Mitsumei [Eng]

[HOSHIKURA Zozo] Mahoutsukai wa Furete Hodokeru [Eng]

[SOUTOME Emu] Tenshi no Sasayaki wa Akuma wo Otosu [Eng]

[AKIRA Norikazu] Heart Strings [Eng]

[TAKAHASHI Hidebu] Stigmata – Seikon Sousa [Eng]

[SAKURADA Kyoko] Akuma wa Tengoku ni Ikitakunai [Eng]

[KAMON Saeko] Hatsujou Animal [Eng]

[NAGI Wataru] Pheromoholic [Eng] (update c.9.5) (ongoing)

[AKIRA Norikazu] Beast & Feast [Eng]

[SERIZAWA Tomo] Hime Muko [Eng]

[AKIHISA Teo] Gang no Kaikata [Eng]

[NOICHI Mikuro] Tosca no Inu [Eng]

[Hijiki] Kanashiki Ningyo [Eng]

[NATSUMIZU Ritsu] Koishite Hoshii [Eng]

[noji] Tantei Jimusho no Kainushi-sama [Eng]

[YOFUNE Shibue] Goodbye to Loneliness [Eng]

[KAZAMI Yuki] Hakuran no Kemono [Eng]

[MINAMI Fuuko, Takiba] Light of My Life [Eng]

[SAKURA Sakuya] Hisho Ikuseichuu ~ vol.01 [Eng]

[SAKURA Sakuya] Hisho Ikuseichuu ~ vol.02 [Eng]

[Jita] Double Fake [Eng]

[Ohtako Mame] Play After Call [Eng]

[NISHIMOTO Rou] Hajime no Koi [Eng]

[Uimu] Tonari no Hana wa Kyou mo Ichiban Kakkoii [Eng]

But thank you for dropping by, anon! I adore talking to you!

[highemotionscotian]

Mishandled Justice; Putting the Pieces Back Together After Trauma

/First Entry

seemingly endless doom scrolling watching videos online I occasionally stumble upon the side of the world wide web where there's a kind side. Some genuine folk just doin' their best. I have been scared and angry and alone so long I really think I forgot there are kind souls out there, Dearest Reader, I hope you are one of those good people 💙

For a long time I thought I was okay being alone. Lately there's been a overwhelming void and between you and me, I think may be humanity I've been missin'. I know it's more trendy to put this on TicTok, dang I tried however putting myself on camera is uncomfortable in a way I'm not sure yet how to describe, all the same I need to start letting some things out. I would love to be brave enough to share my life with the world like the fabulous content creators that have kept me company over the years but every time I try, I find an excuse not to; my house isn't clean enough. My forehead is too big, my body is too big. I wouldn't be funny enough, I wouldn't be interesting enough. I wouldn't be enough. Would be too much. Heck I even thought I wasn't rich enough to be on Tic Tok. I don't have a nice hair cut or fancy clothes to do one of those 'fit checks' they're dong and the only time my phone rings is a bill collector, what business did I have of sharing my dirty laundry online being in the state I've been in. It's that thinking that has kept me stuck in life.

I don't know who I am anymore. At the risk of sounding too dramatic, it is as if I have awoken from a living, psychological coma unsure of myself or my surroundings. So while I learn who I am and how to get comfortable in front of a camera my relaunch into the realm of social media will start by blogging.

Do I feel like know what I'm doing? Nope! This will be a learning experience with no determined destination or set conclusion. It will be chaotic. Y'all are invited to come along. One joy of writing and throwing it out there, no one has to read it if they don't want to. Unlike a real life conversation, I won't be distracted by your face worried I have said the wrong thing, or said to much, offended or bored you. I am a modern hermit living with complex post traumatic stress disorder and have been experiencing noticeable symptoms akin to ADHD. I am not sure how many times I have tried to 'start over' in life and failed, I've lost count. I have wanted and tried to change but doing it alone isn't working, so here we are now.

I’ve never told my story publicly. Not really. As I attempted put my life back together over and over and take up space in the world I would feel a bit like a fraud. As if it's this big shameful secret I must hide when in reality it's been gagging me getting in the way of speaking and success. I know I could have a beautiful life if I could just get out of my own way, out of my own head, and out of this dang house.

I have to put all the puzzle pieces together, finally get it all out so then maybe I can find peace and put it all behind me. I had posted some details about the events on my Facebook over the years as it all played out. I would share a summary to family and friends and it made a few news headlines, yet so many factors stopped me from sharing the raw truth of it all.

The weight of shame and not wanting to embarrass or hurt my family, I left out so much of what had happened and what I was feeling. When I would try to share how bad things have gotten, the reactions at just a small portion of the whole truth were bad enough I was ashamed of putting it all on tbe table. I had told having my life public would negatively affect my chances of getting a good job, chastised it would ruin my reputation if I cussed or used words like 'rape' or 'sexual assault' online. I still tried, to find strangers commenting on the news stories about my body, my character they knew nothing of, gossip that the evidence was fraudulent and I just wanted attention. After time went by and I had heard the “get over it’s” and the “time to move on’s” I didn't think my story was worthy of telling, to those more than an arms length away I would be fine and move on. Now still, lack of confidence in myself, low self esteem and fear has kept me from living and telling my story in its entirety.

While the fear of being prosecuted for violating a publication ban on my own name had not stopped me from posting on my own Facebook page, it had effectively silenced me from going public. The risk of a $5,000 fine or up to 2 years in custody for telling my story had removed my voice and a piece of healing I didn't know how very badly I needed.

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” - Maya Angelou

I have never really known how to have close friends well. I sometimes wish I had a tribe to be comfortable with. Growing up I was that kid that would secretly cry in the bathrooms when at a friends house. I never understood why I didn't feel like I quite fit in. I’d be apart of a small group, always an introvert, I think I would have liked to have been the emotionally regulated, social sort as an adult where I could have gotten the whole story out already. Perhaps around a bonfire, screaming at the moon, blending tears from sadness and laughing. The last time I was in a social setting that wasn't family was in 2019. It's been lonely. Even years before then I had hid away. In late 2015 I left an abusive relationship and became housebound. Fearful to even venture to my front yard, leaving the bedroom was a daily challenge. Slowly I started to engage in social media, supplementing human connection with strangers on Facebook, where this story will officially begin.

⚠️ Trigger Warning ⚠️

This blog will cover topics of intimate partner violence, sexual assault, legal misconduct, mental illness and contain corse language. I will make an attempt to censor myself throughout this therapeutic process. Reader’s discretion is strongly advised.

📍Disclaimer

Some names used will be changed for the purposes here. However, all facts of the trial discussed within this saga are public record, and RCMP interactions from the trial and complaints process are documented for verification. All other details are from my own lived experiences, hours of audio recordings, news and magazine articles, emails, and journals.

Now I know a little bit about a lot, but only a lot about a little bit. I will speak about my own experiences as I have lived them and the things I have learned along the way, but I am not an expert in any topic included below. I am such a mess that I hesitate to even call myself an expert in my own life, yet vow to hold to the truth at every step.

Statistic I’d like to share

1 in 3 women in Canada will be sexually assaulted with sexual assault being more common than robbery – Statistics Canada

_____________

There was a blur after I was assaulted when I heard the words “wait here, someone will help you” and part of me has been locked in a psychological waiting room ever since. This is my raw and vulnerable exit speech from that place.Why now?Publication ban laws in Canada prevented me from telling the story how I needed to tell it or attributing my own name to the events that transpired. The journalist who first covered the story, Lindsay Jones, called me ‘Nicole’ and as the trial was ongoing, I was prohibited from speaking about the case in full. I was not aware nor informed a publication ban would be essentially automatically applied restricting my choice to share my story. A publication ban did not prevent the media from using the accused’s full name, personal information and details of the trial, yet the punishment I could face by putting my name to my experiences, or sharing court documents was possible fines of $5,000 and/or up to 2 years in custody. At times I pushed the line of this ban as if daring the courts to charge me so maybe someone with authority would hear my case. I understand and accept by sharing my life I am opening myself up to trolls and keyboard warriors who may believe to know more about my own life than me and will say cruel and hurtful things. I have been threatened, insulated and received messages from other men they would rape me too if they had the chance. Our society is not always kind, this is a fear I shall overcome. This is MY journey to healing. To judge how someone processes trauma or victim blaming says more about their character than anyone else’s. The longer I am alone with the shame, guilt the more I hurt myself and my family. I need to hold space for myself now. Telling my story is how I choose to do that. Please remember when you comment with hatred or cruelty other victims will see it and may not feel safe sharing their own stories, and that’s a gawddamn shame. The story must be whatever length it needs to be to pour it out of my body. It will be long and parts long-winded. I write this for myself as a step in my healing process, you are invited to come along.

In the news they called me ‘Nicole’, that is not my name, but this is my story.

*deep breath*

#ToBeContinued

[3o1am]

There's just something really wrong in my brain right now and I'm not entirely sure how to fix it. Like...I am having a really hard time finding the joy in life during the average week. I travel to see my boyfriend every weekend and it's honestly literally devastating every time I have to go home. I have the best time there. We have a good routine and we do all sorts of stuff together and it's just very peaceful. We're going as fast as we can trying to close the distance, I mean there's only so much you can do when you need a job offer before you can start, but...I just feel a little bit stuck in my situation and I'm struggling looking at the state of the world right now to see the joy anywhere else. It's just very hard to be an average person living in the world I think.

And I struggle with wanting to lean on my boyfriend. When I'm like this I feel so embarrassed and ashamed and genuinely just being in the same room as him and doing our own things is so helpful. I just wish I didn't have so much spare time to sit around and think about how bummed out I am. Work doesn't keep me busy. I drive for hours alone each weekend...

And I don't even mind the drive! Once winter is over it'll be warm and sunny in a way that actually shines off the water and the trees are green and everything is lush and beautiful...it's a perfectly lovely drive. It's just when I'm headed back that I have a hard time because I'm so sad and I'm alone and I can't really reach out to anyone since I'm at the wheel so it's too much time to just think and think and think. I called him last weekend just sobbing because I was overthinking about something he said as I was leaving and after two hours I couldn't take it anymore and just called, but it's so embarassing that I did that. It's so embarassing and stupid that I cry every time but I'm just so ready to not be saying goodbye all the time. I'm excited not to be living out of a suitcase, to stop leaving my stuff on his floor every weekend and then shoving it all back in a bag and going away again.

Anyway this is a big ramble. I just need things to feel a little less hard soon. I love my boyfriend and I know he loves me but there's a small piece of me that feels like I need to get it together or else he's gonna get tired of me..and I don't want that to happen. I'm not used to being able to lean on someone...and knowing that he wants me to be able to lean on him at least a little doesn't help...not that no one has ever been there for me or anything, just...my mental health struggles have always kind of been just mine to handle. My parents had their hands full growing up and I wouldn't say I was "the good one" or anything like that but I was relatively self sufficient and managed myself because if I didn't no one else would really be paying attention.