#i don't matter

[bravesecrets]

No matter how careful I am, something always goes wrong

[borderlineclown]

realizing i never feel safe to share my emotions with anyone is... really depressing

[insignificantfailure]

Found this from last year, just me venting in my notes. I keep a folder called "My own therapy" lol. (ref to deftones)

I still didn't learn to shut up.

[circusthing]

like, honestly, would anyone care or even notice if i just...went away?

[munchbunch97]

.

[mbrainspaz]

✨

In my youth the thought of living my life alone didn't just seem bad, it was inconceivable. Not only was I always around big groups of friends and family, but so much of the way I lived my life; the value I placed on relationships, the standards I held myself to, the late night philosophizing, the photo albums I kept, the journaling, all the little movies I made—it was all built around the imperative of sharing my life with someone special. The other person that society and religion told me I would definitely have someday. I believed back then that I was half of something. I stopped expecting a soulmate as soon as I started dating. I redoubled my attempts at sharing the media of my life with family and friends, as if by witnessing my life experience through my little movies and stories they could somehow fill the void I had built for another soul and validate my existence. To my frustration their clear lack of understanding and their disregard for the things I shared often only highlighted the distance between us and deepened my loneliness. I told myself I was being pathetic for needing attention the way I did but the need to be seen—not just noticed but witnessed in a visceral way I still struggle to even articulate—wouldn't go away.

In time I realized I was already a whole person and this was horrific in it's own way because I still wasn't enough. I had god the whole time too of course, the imaginary friend who supposedly had infinite attention to give. He, of course, was never great with feedback. Neither were any of my other imaginary friends. I turned to the internet and got some small satisfaction from playing the attention games of social media. Hundreds, sometimes thousands, of views and little likes from a few friends and the faceless masses were enough to numb the creeping sense of isolation for a while.

In my early to mid 20's I entered such a deep and complete period of loneliness that sometimes I saw my soul floating in a black void. Wether I imagined god there with me there or not didn't particularly matter. This vivid hallucination that tormented me, particularly on days spent alone at my desk or while eating food I had cooked for myself alone, was punctuated by magnesium flares of connection as friends would visit or family would check in on me. Sometimes having their sudden brightness so close stung more sharply than the slow ache of the void. I never had the resources to visit them. Between my poverty and the astronomical cost of travel they might as well have been living in distant galaxies. When they inevitably vanished again and I was left alone I did my best to imagine looking out past the black void to see them shining on like constellations. A whole universe of my little stars. I loved watching their stories too. I wished I could get closer, see every little detail. I longed to see them the way I wanted to be seen, but they were all so far away. I let their presence comfort me as I drifted through space. I turned inward to my stories full of characters with the soul connections I craved.

Then the stars started blinking out. Oh, sometimes new distant lights would appear, beautiful and unreachable, but I could see the vast canvas of space around me getting darker. Some of the oldest stars in the sky were tired of watching me. Some told me they never really cared about me or my stories. They only liked their idea of me, which turned out to be nothing like me at all—a feeble distorted frozen image captured years ago. Did they loose sight of me back then or did they never really try to see me? Just like god being there, did it make a difference either way? If they had really seen me, would it have mattered?

My purpose shifted again but there was nothing to do except keep writing my story where connections were real and keep broadcasting the 24/7 livestream of Me. Send it out with a wink and a thumbs up. I'm doing great. I'm doing fine. I'm not but I'm still making this thing that matters to me. I still exist. Do you? Sometimes while trawling social media for glimmers of old friends a notification would pop up with a message from one of those distant stars. I was noticed, however briefly. I was glimpsed. Still alone but seen. Shining cold and brilliant from afar. A star, not a soul.

[miracleon63rdstreet]

I'm such a terrible awful ugly disgusting person and this world is better without me in it, I'll always be a fucking monster.

[readingislifelol]

I feel replaceable. It's like it doesn't actually matter if I disappeared and no matter what I do people are fine without me. It feels like I'm contributing nothing to this world.

All my friends seem to be fine when they don't talk to me for days.

All my teachers barely even notice I'm there.

The people I work with would be fine without me.

My sister's can get themselves ready and sort themselves out without my help.

My parents make it obvious that all I do doesn't actually help them.

It feels like I'm just someone that's there. Someone that relies on everyone else. Someone that just causes problems and makes things harder for everyone.

I am replaceable.

[kale-of-the-forbidden-cities]

why do I get upset about little things

[musicaddictt]

I don't matter to anyone. I never have and I never will

[fleshadept]

looking at (vetted) gofundmes for people trying to escape palestine and i don't know how many of you actually click on the gofundme links you reblog but i would like to point out, for what it's worth, just how amazing it is that so many have raised so much money. it may overall feel like a drop in the ocean but the fact that several gofundmes have raised tens of thousands of dollars is amazing. it is so expensive to leave gaza right now, and people still need money after they escape. but regardless of what propaganda the US, UK, canada, and other western nations are trying to pump out, people across the world are doing what they can to help these people survive. many of them are still very far from their goals (like this one and this one and this one) and some of them are very close to high goals (like this one), and some of them have reached almost double their original goal.

and that's not even addressing direct aid or organizations that take continuous donations for distribution of food, menstrual products, etc. the PCRF has raised $16,000,000 of their target goal of $20,000,000 to fund current aid and long-term relief efforts in gaza. ANERA's febuary 13th update discusses the material ways they helped palestinians today:

(ANERA donate link)

my point is, it often feels like the world is turning a blind eye to palestine. but i would like to point out that there is an important difference between "the world" and "western political leaders and media narratives". a breathtaking amount of real people, the people who make up the world, are trying to help. in the face of israel attempting to commit genocide, the world is saying No. These people deserve to live. and literally sending millions of dollars internationally, through the internet connection that israel has desperately been trying to destroy.

it may not feel like it matters in the grand scheme of things. but to the people who get fresh clothes, or a hot meal, or blankets, or the kids who get new toys, or to the people who are able to bring their families to safety, it matters to them. go make someone's day better. i've linked so many options with ways to do that.

[shopcat]

the baby has one parent's little face marking thing and the other's coat because they're a little horse family the world is a beautiful place

[reikacchan]

don't give up

[lazylittledragon]

made a sticker for anyone to slap onto their work if they need to

[heedra]

talking to preschoolers is awesome bc they have not fully differentiated stories into 'true stories' and 'imaginary stories' yet so you will tell them about something that happened you once (coyote came out of a bush right in front of you and got startled) and they will tell you about how one time their house was full of coyotes in every room 'including five in the garage' and they're not even like, aware i think of the idea that they are technically 'lying'. they are simply telling stories about coyotes bc its time to tell stories about coyotes.

[protoctist]

i know ryoko kui is a real one because she wrote 97+ chapters of a manga about fantasy ecosystems and food chains and not once did she write the phrase "survival of the fittest" (it's a bad phrase) (it's a social darwinist phrase even) (hated amongst biologists) (doesn't make sense) (darwin didn't use it) (coined by an business major) (one of the worst phrases in pop science) (no good)