#i dont feel emotionally abt this at all. it's just an observation since i do treat my personal/main tumblr blog as kinda a diary at times

[eclaire-went-bam]

morals are so confusing sometimes. it's not like i'm trying to do anything malicious, it just doesn't occur to me that most people see these things as bad — to me, some things are just kind of a means to an end and if nobody gets genuinely hurt idrc ??

if i let someone borrow something and they're not giving it back, i don't really see anything wrong with telling a lie about the importance of that item to guilt trip someone into giving it back (eg, so & so gave this to me before they died & it's rlly important to me so i really would appreciate it if i got this back soon ...). not because i want to go outta my way to make someone feel bad, but that's just how i view the world. they are probably maliciously keeping my stuff, so just talking to them wouldn't be enough. so why shouldn't i?

i don't see an issue in hacking into my parents email so i can get the verification code for a family streaming service, it takes me a really long time for it to click that actually People Don't Like Someone Going Thru Their Private Stuff even though i'm not trying to find anything but the verification email

type of things that i don't really realise could genuinely upset someone until i think about it a lot and ask someone for their opinion. i could realistically just ask and communicate better, but i often fall into the pit on never relying on anybody to do something when i put a task in their hands. that will only end up hurting or disappointing me.

oftentimes in trying to watch my own back and keep myself safe from nonexistent problems, i somehow create them

[princessofxianle]

I’m the anon that asked you all the questions about your FX backstory AU, and I have another question!

1. How did Shen Liang die?

2. In one of your previous posts, you implied that SL and FX meet again when SL’s a ghost, and it seems like she torments FX whenever they cross paths. What made Shen Liang care about Feng Xin?

3. How did Shen Liang feel when Feng Xin ascended? Was there even the tiniest bit of pride at having her didi become a God?

4. Does Feng Xin ever get angry about how badly his sister treated him? And does he ever tell Shen Liang the extent as to how badly she hurt him emotionally?

5. In one of your posts, Hua Cheng introduces Feng Xin to his mother. Why would he do that?

6. If Xie Lian ever found out about Feng Xin’s childhood, would he be angry with Shen Liang on FX’s behalf?

Omg its one of my fav anons HI FRIEND, I’m sorry this took over a mOnth, I’ve been trying to stay sane irl but still wanted to get you quality answers bc your questions always get me GOING and help me answer some things even I still dont know

for reference:

| more asks | meet the OC's (FX's family) | #fx backstory au

*alex from the future here I WROTE A LOT AGAIN IM SORRY ...it will happen again*

Spoilers for my AU under the cut, obvi, I’m gonna pretend like yall are my writing group (but w/o any manuscript… you know what I mean lolol) WARNING im still planning some bits so some things are still up in the air until I find a good plot reason to nail them down:

1. How did Shen Liang die?

Good question! Honestly? I don’t know exactly. That’s something I was gonna leave until the day I decide to write her death (or simply reference it, since I hate having to UNFORTUNATELY remind myself that this AU is about Feng Xin not Shen Liang… my girl is stealing the show I swear lol)

What I DO know is that our good ol friend, Jun Wu, has a hand in killing her 😊 She has an ability to manipulate souls which JW deems could be used as a cure for human face disease. Can’t have that in our kingdom-ending pandemic, can we? So she’s just in his way to ruin our fav crown prince’s life. JW does give her a chance to help him with her said soul ability, but even if Shen Liang hates her brother, she’s not a murderer. No part of her soul will ever be that. She’s not about to help doom her kingdom. (2nd MORE ANGSTY option is JW *already*has the intent to use her ability for bad, so to protect her kingdom, she kills herself to stop him)

2. In one of your previous posts, you implied that SL and FX meet again when SL’s a ghost, and it seems like she torments FX whenever they cross paths. What made Shen Liang care about Feng Xin?

They actually meet twice! But I haven’t talked abt the 2nd time yet 😊

In regard to the 1st time, I’m not sure if you’re asking “why does SL care about FX at all?” or “why does ghost!SL take the time to care about FX?” so Ill answer both!

Spoiler: SL has always cared about FX, even before he was born (bear with me, she’s still awful to him BUT THERES REASONS) That fact doesn’t change after he’s born either. What *does* change is the state of her soul due to her inability to control her own soul manipulation ability bc of a traumatic event (the loss of her mother). Shen Liang’s soul never actually stops loving FX, but the half that *contains* that love, isn’t always present in her body. I’ll have to do more explanation on her ability later. It’s a lot.

Now, why does ghost!SL care? Well, she’s gone a little mad, as a ghost formed from a murder. She goes by the name Orange Snow Stitching Souls. And in her twisted logic, she has an ability to “help” people by fragmenting out parts of their soul and stitching the pieces back together as a means to “forget the things that pain them.” Essentially she goes around as a ghost observing people’s lives and if person A hurts person B, she makes person A forget about person B by cutting the memory out of their soul.

In this case, FX and ghost!SL meet shortly after FX leaves Xie Lian, so SL wants to force FX to forget about XL. She knows XL as the prince, AND she knows that FX was close with him. So “why not?” Feng Xin of course does not want this and resists. This conflict is LARGE. Plot standing AND in terms of fighting. It’s a huge turning point for them both in different ways.

3. How did Shen Liang feel when Feng Xin ascended? Was there even the tiniest bit of pride at having her didi become a God?

Another banger of a question. Since Feng Xin ascends after Shen Liang has become a low-ish level ghost, her reactions are… without nuance. But in short, yeah I’d like to think there was some pride there, yes. And during the 2nd time they meet, absolutely. She is incredibly proud. <- a full and healed soul will do that to a girl 😊

4. Does Feng Xin ever get angry about how badly his sister treated him? And does he ever tell Shen Liang the extent as to how badly she hurt him emotionally?

Tricky question. Short answer to the first part? Yes. He’s actually incredibly angry at her once he learns that’s *not* how siblings, or ANYONE should be treated. This reaction is incredibly delayed tho. Not until after their 2nd meeting does he fully understand. And yes, he’s angry at her, and also grieving the jiejie she could’ve been for him. He’s not sure if not having a sister altogether would’ve been better or worse. And yes, he does tell her during their first meeting as ghost and human. A lot of things he’s been holding back are let loose during that time. He’s just lost Xie Lian, his whole purpose, Shen Liang then makes things impossibly worse.

5. In one of your posts, Hua Cheng introduces Feng Xin to his mother. Why would he do that?

Another great question! And I say this because this time *I don’t fucking know* lolol

This is one plot points I need to somehow make happen. General idea is neither of them know who the other is exactly, but they meet as a god and ghost both in disguise in a village. All they know is they are two of the FEW that have fond memories of their fav god, the Crown Prince of Xianle who pleased the gods and, in a perfect world, would like to see him (ascend) again.

The other half is that Hua Cheng (pre tonglu era btw) has been accompanied by a ghost flame he found and cared for because 1. She reminds him of his own mother and 2. He reminds her of her son. AND they share lineage from the same foreign kingdom.

HC is smart. FXs story of a lost mother, and Shen Wangxi’s story of dying in childbirth and never seeing her son grow up, fit together… so he makes a metaphorical bet on it. And obviously, he wins. This is also when FX gets to KEEP HIS MOM WITH HIM for the next large chunk of time (yay!!!) until he runs into his jiejie for the 2nd time. (im still working on a concrete timeline for this but its at least 100 years)

6. If Xie Lian ever found out about Feng Xin’s childhood, would he be angry with Shen Liang on FX’s behalf?

To a point, yes I think he would. I think he would also be a little angry that FX never really told him about his family when he was serving as a bodyguard. FX still assures him it was improper. In post-extras canon times, they do talk about this explicitly. It’s one of those “this conversation should have happened ages ago but neither of us knew how to bring it up” type things. Unfortunately for Feng Xin, this information is forced out of (in this case its actually “into”) him due to the death of one particular memory-eating monster in the amnesia extra (does anyone see where im sorta going with this? …ehe…)

Thanks for these! Getting to your 2nd ask soon!

'til next time *salutes*

[cartoonemotion]

after a million years plus an addition million years post the show ending i am finally just now scribbling out my takes and stuff on fethry's immediate family a la how they would fit into dt17 canon

the breakdown in my mind is that all 3 of eider and lulubelle's children are Strange and Ambiguously Disordered (fethry taking the most after his mother) and also to some degree have inherited eider's legendary strength (abner being basically on par with his father and fethry as the baby and the runt of the three being much more close to just having normal person strength, though still a bit surprising for how noodly he is)

more specific points abt the family under the cut bc i dont want the post to be too long @_@

abner

definitely autistic (as 3 and also lulu are) but its like in that. i dont have healthy coping mechanisms to deal with how alienated from ppl i feel so im just gonna fish and carve wood and if anyone enters my space i will burn it down with both of us still inside it. way

that being said abner’s still plenty capable of being a compassionate guy deep down. he cares a lot about his family and takes whatever responsibility u entrust him with extremely seriously

comes off as emotionally stunted bc he doesnt really show affection in the “normal” way, including and especially physical affection and also. saying shit  out loud. he has his own love language its called * noncommittal groan of acceptance as you enter his house *

in my brain i know he should have a job but all i can think about is him fucking off in the woods so he doesnt have to talk with people. maybe one of those people who sit in towers all day to make sure forests dont burn down. i dunno

mary

loves acting and wants to be a professional stage/screen actor so bad but is unfortunately terrible at acting. probably been in like a few commercials or something

very very dramatic, im talking full comedy sketch of a julliard actor levels of melodrama and stage fainting, whether onstage or not. this makes it hard to tell if her reactions to things are genuine or not unless u are her brothers or parents who have been dealing with this forever

since the acting career is not really taking off Yet she has maybe ripped off 1 or 2 or 20 or so people maybe more just to keep the lights on. ironically when shes conning people she can actually act convincingly (my leverage fans out there. you know)

some of you will probably ask about dugan and while i do absolutely love dugan personally in my mind marys not ready nor interested in motherhood. so. maybe some day i will reveal my own dt17 dugan origin concept idk

eider

something of a local folk hero due to both his truly legendary strength and his equally strong inclination to lend his neighbors a hand, or really anyone else who may need a little help for that matter

as exceptionally goofy and loving as you could want any dad to be, though he can also be a bit stern when he needs to be, and a little prideful

in my mind i think it would be very cool if he had moved his family into granny elvira’s farm to give her a hand bc while shes a tough old woman everyone still needs a hand from time to time but i dont know if this contradicts any serious duck lore so forgive me

lulubelle

full loon baby ! none of this “looks like every other member of clan mcduck” shit !!! yes this includes the blood red eyes #epicloonwin

many make the mistake to count her as an absent minded spooky insane woman but this could not be further from the truth. she is very sharp-witted, observant, and is only spooky simply because its pretty near impossible to creep or gross her out, and even harder to full-on scare. and also because she makes long uninterrupted eye contact all the time

fethry definitely inherited a lot from her, but one of the main things they share is the tendency to cycle through all kinds of seemingly unrelated hobbies and interests; but much like fethry’s chief passion seems to be marine biology, lulu greatly enjoys botany and all it’s practical applications, as well as music

[papers4me]

now that noda is on leave, I think U should revisit ur analysis of ogata. reread the chapters & you'll discover that ogata is not a cold-blooded killing machine. He killed his mom as mercy, he killed Yuusaku to save his mission since yuusaku is likely to inform tsurumi of his plans. he killed his dad because he deserved it. He only kills if he's forced & it is always a mercy killing. Yuusaku wont make it anyway since he sucks in the military. the poor dude never noticed ogata wanted him away.

Dear anon,

I really don't know what manga you're reading cuz this is definitely NOT Golden Kamuy.

First of all, your opinion of Ogata & reading of his characters is yours & you're free to think whatever. But since you're telling me to re-read the chapters, I'll advise you do the same.

"ogata is not a cold-blooded killing machine.", Really?

Him killing his mom is NOT a mercy killing. Poisoning someone to death at the age of I duno 8 or 9 is NOT mercy killing. His mom might had mental issues but she don't deserve death.

When on earth did Yuusaku threaten to tell Tsuruni anything? Yuusakue doesn't even know anything abt central or spying or even Tsurumi?!

Yuusaku "sucks in the military" cuz he "never noticed ogata wanted him away"... so, all the training in the military is useless if a guy never suspects his own brother "prefers to be alone"?! lol. Where on GK that Yuusakue's "bad" military skills are mentioned? Ogata is NOT the center of the universe, so Yuusaku might suck at reading his brother, but excel in doing military deeds! Yuusaku might even be very observant in dealing with the foreign enemy like Russians or whatever, buy why on earth would he suspect his brother?

I've read before ppl saying that "Yuusaku only got his position the military due to his dad". That was never mentioned in the manga or volume unless I've missed sth!. He might be bad but it was NEVER stated, so why is it treated as a fact?

Killing Yuusake is sth Ogata chose to do for HIS own reasons. It has to do with his obsession of " proving everybody can be corrupted & should NOT feel guilt". What Yuusaku told his brother ( the necessity to feel guilt as a normal trait) is NOT wrong at all. On the contrary is is the truth that Ogata MUST face. Ogata wants to say " i'm normal" but children who kill their moms are NOT normal. Ogata instead of looking back at himself & dealing with his issues chose to prove that the path of death, corruption & rejection of love is the right path. It is NOT.

Killing his dad is complicated. Hanazaw is targeted by the Central, Tsurumi & Ogata. All three want him dead for three totally different reasons. By killing Hanazaw, Ogata might be serving all three (central, Tsurumi & himself).

Ogata is NOT responsible for what his mom & dad did to him. but he IS responsible for what he did to others. Being a victim does NOT excuse killing others.

Ogata is a sniper. Snipers are sole soldiers with limited ammo & a hideout that once is exposes they're in immense danger. Ogata can't just kill everybody & do whatever. He MUST weigh his options & choose his targets without exposing his hideout. That's why he doesnt kill unless he must. Not saying he's a killing machine, I'm saying things aren't as humanely as you think. It is a military style for snipers.

You can LOVE ogata as much as you want, you you dont have to cleanse him to love him. He is fictional, loving him despite knowing he killed ppl doesnt make you a horrible person. It IS fiction dude~~~~~

You can cleanse him & make him an angel that descended to save Japan, just don't try to force this in my throat. I respect that you have your own opinion, but I disagree with ALL of it. lol.

This isn't the first ask I received abt Ogata's "angelic mercy killing that he is so forced to do despite being the most innocent human there is"... Why can't Ogata's fans accept that different opinions exist. ? I like Ogata, too. My reasons? he's so mentally & emotionally corrupted & adds layers to the story that otherwise would be lost without him, Him getting redemption or dying a killer doesn't bother me as long as it's well-written & makes sense within his character & the story. you don't have to convince me of your opinion. It's okay that others think differently.

Btw, Golden Kamuy is NOT a story abt right or wrong. All the "important" characters (minus Asripa & shirashi) are cold killers with bloody hands. Yes, the main MC Sugimoto included. He isnt fighting for japan nor the minority. He's fighting to help this child he "thinks" he got her into this gold hunt & whom he object his lost innocence on. That's totally fine. GK isnt a story abt perfect justice-fighters for the-right-reasons-heroes.

Did I write sth similar before? I duno. lol.

[dread-and-despair-dyke]

Are you able to go for a walk? Preferably in a park or in nature? I know walking for 30 minutes to an hour while looking at nature or observing animals (or even just listening to music) tends to calm me down and put me in a slightly better mood when I'm in a bad headspace. Taking a bath, washing/doing my hair, using one of those face masks, etc. Anything where you're taking care of your body might help. And trying to be as present as you can and focusing on the sensation. I'm not the best at doing that but sometimes it helps when I get a little too stuck in my head.

I hope you feel better soon 💕

this is very sweet of u anon ily so much

it's like 11pm here rn, and i get anxious walking out in the dark so i cant do that rn unfortunately but i think ill try and go out tomorrow, it wld be good for me i think

as per recommendation of my therapist and other people here, I try to think abt mindfulness techniques and being present in the moment, but i think maybe i just need more practice on that kind of thing! since i can't currently get it to work lol ;w; i will try to get an early night maybe, and do some of these things tmrrw <3 <3 <3

going to ramble-vent aimlessly under the cut, nothing coherent

nobody needs to read this but its only in this post bc i thought abt it in relation to the things mentioned above

but i think somth i struggle with is having issues with depressive or anxious thoughts/emotions coming in if I'm not intensely preoccupied - e.g. if im showering or taking a bath (don't worry, i do these things anyway lol), taking a walk (dont do this one as often, whoops), other things where the activity doesn't require much 'thinking', I start to spiral into anxiety particularly in those moments where I don't have something to think about

And my levels of how preoccupied i have to be to avoid the anxious thoughts coming in have only gotten higher over time- now i can be trying to play a game or listen to music and bring myself back to focusing on it every 30 seconds or so, but I still manage to get anxious about whatever it is in my mind at that time. It is the same whether I am doing nothing, or am occupied with one thing, or occupied with three things; I can't let the thoughts pass through, they just stay in my brain stubbornly and don't leave until they've reached their conclusion half an hour later, at which point I am mentally exhausted from overthinking so rapidly for so long, emotionally exhausted from all the anxiety, and physically just kind of achy from standing up in a shower for half an hour. At which point, I get out and then lie in bed for the rest of the day because being alive feel so goddamn bad.

i think it's because, my mind not being preoccupied means I have to think about things in real life! ah, i get to think about such joyous things as: how absolutely incapable of feeling connection with others I am, how subsequently lonely i am, my actions and mistakes, the way that even my best efforts aren't enough for people, every hypothetical situation in which a problem might arise, how i should prepare for each of those hypothetical and unlikely problems, how i would fix any and every problem, how people perceive me, how i'm a burden to the people around me, the way that my best judgement will always still be 'bigoted' to somebody, my responsibilities that i have long abandoned, the people i used to know whose lives continue while i stay stagnant, the way that i can't keep putting off these issues forever, general existential dread...

...and other fun things to think about for half an hour while I stand in the shower forgetting that i was meant to be actually showering!

I have spoken with my therapist about these things before, I think. We talk through the logic of it, and of course there are always CBT sheets talking about how it isn't accurate to real life to think in such a way, and sometimes i agree. but even when I do agree, it doesn't stop the thoughts from happening. they happen whether i agree with the logic behind them or not, the logic is always biased in favour of assuming the worst outcome of everything, because that's just how I'm used to thinking. Because that's how life goes anyway, It's always bad, even if an outcome initially assumed to be 'good' happens, it turns out to be bad anyway, or at best it turns out to be just neutral.

There is no good, there is just hope sometimes, and love. But I don't have those things either! oh well. time to sleep.

[minhyukie]

your oral presentation abt joohyuk was soso cute!! can you give us your onion about the other _____hyuk ships as well !! :O

Ahhhh I Love your Voice

this would be too much to fit into a voice note anyway fjdskf and i think doing Every single mx pairing would be a bit too much for my tiny brain but!!  i’m gonna talk about each minhyuk pairing under the cut, im not sure if they’ll be as enjoyable as the joohyuk one (i feel like im probably best at talking about them since they’re my favorite) but i hope this is what u guys were looking for :D

showhyuk – i feel like their dynamic is v beneficial especially to shownu, bc minhyuk literally thinks sooo so greatly of shownu like u can tell how much he admires him!! he’s always praising shownus looks and strengths in variety and his actions reflect it as well – during the vlive they did abt law of the jungle, minhyuk literally only seemed to care about shownu monitoring him and shownu’s opinions on how he did because he respects shownu in variety so much, and although minhyuk was originally the member who mx seemed to want to point towards variety shownu ended up being that person instead and i think in shownu’s mind it still means a lot to be thought of that highly by minhyuk, who he views as being so good at speaking and variety.. they both just admire each other a lot in that respect and i think its v good for each of them. also – im partially taking this from what i saw a friend say once, but i think minhyuk helps relieve shownu sometimes from the responsibilities of being a leader… shownu is a great leader i’ve said and explained it so many times but also as they said in the one mxray episode it puts a lot on his shoulders and although he is able to handle it well, i think minhyuk really helps to relieve it because he also acts as their leader in so many ways!! and showhyuk really has a soft spot in my heart bc out of all the members, i feel like shownu really loves minhyuk the way he is the most.. when he said during no exit broadcast that he actually loves it when minhyuk talks a lot.. that’s a statement that i think is beyond what many of the other members feel.. i think the way shownu and minhyuk are actually quite opposite really draws shownu into minhyuk and it’s honestly surprising to me how much shownu just.. loves him? he loves being physically close with minhyuk.. and im no Expert on shownu pairings but i rly dont observe shownu behaving that way with the other members as compared to how he … i wish i could make a gifset compilation of it i think about it all the time but shownu is always reaching out to hold minhyuk’s hand… there are so many subtle moments and honestly it’s almost always shownu initiating it.. and obviously the sweet bed scene from right now with minhyuk cuddling up to him, and also at the end of the liev minhyuk did a similar thing.. and how he lets minhyuk quite literally crawl onto him both during the liev, and the moment at isac.. it’s not even shownu just “tolerating” it or anything but whenever he has these physical interactions with minhyuk i can really see how much he loves it?? it’s something v unique to the two of them and i dont think any of the other members react the same way to minhyuk and like i said it’s just. i really feel like shownu loves minhyuk So Much the way he is… i lvoe them…

wonhyuk – THEYRE SOOO CUTE AN D FUNNIE FJDKSLFDS 2017 was a blessing in the wonhyuk vlives it gave us and it rly opened my perspective to their relationship which i honestly think is so complex beyond what im going to say i feel like… it’s hard for me to discuss abt them bc i think a lot of what im abt to say is a lot more my opinion and speculation than me actually having any idea what’s going on!! their relationship really just goes from one extreme to the other bc one one hand they are soo wild like.. they really have no physical boundaries.. when i was coming up with moments to put in my possessive minhyuk gifset i just kept on coming up with more wonhyuk moments i really considered just making it a wonhyuk gifset at one point bc i couldn’t come up with anything else?? a lot of it is minhyuk to wonho but sometimes even the other way around.. but their relationship is also v intimate emotionally? and this is where i sort of trip up and im not sure about a lot of things.. the obvious place to point is the radio show where wonho talked about each of the members and shared about how important minhyuk was to him and how much he had been leaning on and relying on him as a source of comfort… but beyond that it gets a bit fuzzy? it’s very fascinating to watch the two of them and how they support each other, whether its minhyuk encouraging wonho to speak up or during a meet and greet where minhyuk was starting to fret about his role as MC in the background and you could see wonho comforting him and telling him he was doing well.. i think that maybe they’ve shared with each other a lot on these sorts of topics and insecurities, and i think they both share a bit in that aspect (at least at that point in time) about being afraid to say the wrong thing and the way they both search for peoples’ approval.. but then 2017 hit!! and now they’re really just TWO CHILDREN FJDKLSFDS THEYRE SO CUUUTE the way they bicker with each other and i think its almost like they can both be as completely immature as possible with each other while knowing it’s reciprocated? the fact that wonho can say “i wish minhyuk would disappear” without any fear of misunderstanding or annoyance.. the way minhyuk cutely kept saying he wanted wonho to see him as a friend.. their dynamic is really so fascinating to me even moreso recently… also sidenote but it’s cute how wonho doesn’t like eating alone and i know minhyuk didn’t join him for that one vlive (i genuinely believe he was busy) but if u think back to the vlives they did together this year it was always minhyuk joining wonho to eat… :-( i feel like minhyuk rly understands when wonho is a bit needy and is happy to be there for him… like i said it’s hard for me to coherently put thoughts together about the two of them, i feel like i don’t have as strong of a grasp on their dynamic, but i would love to see more :D

kihyuk – Best!! Fucking!! Friends!! like i know im saying this abt every pairing but i truly feel that these two understand each other on some next level, they could literally share a glance and know what the other one is thinking.. minhyuk could tell kihyun to go fuck himself and kihyun would just laugh his ass off with the brightest happiest eyes like… fdjklsfds the video i just recently reblogged where minhyuk was like “kihyun was so good at acting but i hate so much when he gets into the role i hate him” and kihyuns reaction?? FOR WHY. .. WAS HE SO HAPPY FKDSJLFDS… the most important kihyuk thing to me is really just how well they fundamentally understand each other… with regards to minhyuk understanding kihyun, its actually just funny to me because minhyuk just gets so offended when anyone else tries to say Anything about kihyun because He Wants To Be The One To Talk About His Best Friend.. mxray ep6… everytime that psychoanalyst opened his mouth about kihyun minhyuk immediately butted in he wanted everyone to know that He knew the most he knew it all already.. he felt so relieved whenever the psychoanalyst guy said things he already knew.. minhyuk loves putting his thoughts on kihyun out there jfdkslfds but the more soft and meaningful example would be their second year anniversary video – the way minhyuk explained kihyuns role on the team is genuinely the most heartfelt and well worded explanation i’ve heard… even though it’s rly hard for minhyuk to show it he Knows how much kihyun does and respects and cares for him so much, looks after him silently.. and it’s very much so returned, bc kihyun is the only member who i’ve seen accurately pin down (several times) that minhyuk’s weak point or the thing that he wishes minhyuk would fix is that he overthinks his own performance, he overthinks variety and worries too much in many aspects.. while this is something minhyuk himself is also aware of i’ve never seen the other members bother to mention it but kihyun has talked abt it on several occasions and how he wishes minhyuk could be happier by not worrying so much and i think that shows so much about how well they understand each other and their emotions. it’s fascinating to me how much they’ve changed, they used to be so soft and cute with each other, but it’s grown to the point where they struggle being outwardly nice to each other with cameras around and minhyuk especially is so embarrassed to be honest and nice around kihyun but it works amazingly well between the two of them because kihyun is able to take whatever minhyuk throws at him and either throw it right back or just absorb it and be able to laugh because he Knows minhyuk’s true intentions? i’ve never seen either of them genuinely hurt the other with their sharp words despite all they do is bicker… i lvoe them … :( and kihyun also really just. loves minhyuk? as he is? they literally hang out All THe Time and i’ve said it before as has aleena how.. kihyun keeps on ditching the other members invites to hang out? but minhyuk keeps “complaining” about how kihyun always wants to do things and wherever he goes kihyun is stuck next to him?? they just naturally gravitate towards each other and i cant believe they’re gonna be friends into their next lifetime and that they’re gonna grow up with even their kids being best friends. god im sure i have more to say about them but their friendship is really on another level :-(

hyunghyuk – to be quite honest, a pairing im hesitant to talk about these days, moreso bc it make me uncomfortable the way people talk about them oftentimes? i know that im not one to talk abt them much on my blog but honestly ask any of my friends and they’ll tell u i have the biggest hyunghyuk tunnel vision anymore, like.. im hyperfocused on their interactions.. as an overarching picture, i think their friendship is truly something amazing – they’ve been friends since they were 19, possibly the longest friendship within monsta x, and despite being so very different from each other in so many ways they are able to be so close with such an intimate understanding between the two of them to the point where on one of hyungwons bday messages to minhyuk he said something along the lines of there was nothing more for them to know about each other but that he hopes they continue getting closer and learning more and being good friends.. Strong family vibes :-( while their relationship certainly seems different now than it was a year or two ago, i think that their close bond definitely remains, and i think it’s obvious that they still have massive respect and emotional ties between the two of them… i miss their many close interactions but especially over the past months i feel like they’re returning very much so to the way they used to behave :D

joohyuk – my brain is starting to fry and i think the Joohyuk TED Talk explained most of my feelings pretty well so.. for anyone who didn’t listen here’s the link to that!

changhyuk – my namesake!! :D I LOVE THESE BOYS.. tbh i think i wrote quite a bit about them fairly recently so im not sure if there’s gonna be many new thoughts here but… over the past few months my feelings regarding them have been in a WHIRLWIND i love them so much!! i feel like they’re very similar in so many ways and as such when they’re together they can truly do the craziest things but also have a brotherly bond together? i think i feel similarly to them the way i do about wonhyuk, so, similar to wonhyuk this explanation may not be very coherent or cohesive because it’s hard for me to place everything together. i used to rly think that changhyuk were just like.. fuckin wild.. fuckin out there… because they really do some of the most absurd things fdslfds they really practiced twerking and spanking each other during oi and did it on live stage..  with embarrassed but proud smiles.. they grinded against each other Many times during the most recent ISAC literally acting like they were at a club like.. why in the fuck FJDKLSFDS?? but the more i think about them the less that’s my focus on their relationship, like that’s certainly part of it (a funny and yes enjoyable part) but its so much more than that they are Literally so much like brothers to me and everytime i think of it it honestly brings me to tears because minhyuk really has this fondness and brotherly affection for changkyun that he doesn’t for the other members, and it’s not only apparent through his actions but his words.. but it’s not so much in a way that he views him as a child or anything, but that he just completely respects and trusts changkyun with so much? and he wishes for the same in return from him.. i feel like a lot of people overlook the small details between them, such as minhyuk saying that he goes to changkyun when he’s worried about something or needs to get something off of his chest? that he finds changkyun to be a good listener? and that he loves to lay with changkyun whether it be on their couch or on his bed and listen to changkyun’s stories, everything just throws off such warm and loving vibes and imo it’s Extremely different from minhyuk’s feelings or behaviors towards the other members. the thing that most strongly impacted me and i really cant stop thinking about was from their picnic fanmeeting, there was a vcr where they talked about the members when they weren’t listening and minhyuk very beautifully talked about how it was very obvious to him what changkyun’s emotions were at any moment in time, but changkyun is the type to bottle it up and not want to bother any of the members but how minhyuk wishes he would open it up to them because it’s okay? and he even related it back to his own brother, and how the two of them are the same age, and the entire conversation really just made me realize how much minhyuk views changkyun like his own brother and i :-(( it literally makes me cry.. minhyuk isn’t so much the type to dote on other people, but he does it so much with jooheon but also changkyun and with changkyun it is so much more subtle and often overlooked and it’s a shame! and, one final thing, is that changkyun is SO supportive of minhyuk i feel like he understands a lot of minhyuk’s insecurities (possibly as said above bc i feel like minhyuk opens up to changkyun about these topics a lot?) and openly acts to try to make minhyuk feel more comfortable .. in particular, i’ve been noticing recently how supportive changkyun is about minhyuk’s english which i think could be a point of insecurity for him and seeing changkyun encouraging him to speak in english and helping him and telling him he’s doing well .. small things like that are really good for minhyuk to receive because i feel like since minhyuk tends to come off as a very loud and proud and confident person, it often goes over the members’ heads how much he lives for praise and reassurance as well