#i dont have to be the best i dont have to prove myself i dont have to preform to exist
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Bungou Stray Dogs: Dead Apple and how “ability users” (opposite to “normal people”) learning to accept themselves through the acceptance of their own abilities is a queer metaphor of acceptance of own's sexual orientation and gender: an essay by me
#bsd#bungou stray dogs#About: Dead Apple. Watched this a while ago with a friend and it was a lot of fun!!!#If you're reading this: thank you so much for hanging out with me I had such a good time (ㅅ´ ˘ )♡#Next to general considerations: wow they were right that Bungou Stray Dogs movie sure can Bungou Stray Dogs#It's always nice to see the detailed animation and elaborate backgrounds of movies. The animation quality compared to the manga is–#definitely noticeable and it's nice to see. That said... I still like the season 2 art style more? And I'm speaking strictly of art style.#The s2 one looks more soft and smooth while the da one is so much more rough.#The plot is... Very bsd-esque I don't think there's anything to add.#In my opinion Kyouka's arc is the one that turned out best tbh. I really like her narrative development and personal growth in this movie.#I like the complexity of her state of mind. how full of contradiction she is. I especially appreciate the recurring small changes of–#expression that indicate how she thinks differently from Atsushi even if she doesn't voice them. The fight between her cynicism and her–#kind nature. It's all very interesting.#Atsushi's development is interesting too. Although all the open questions about his ability we still have kind of leave me frustrated#I don't feel very strongly about Akutagawa in this movie? I mean‚ he's there. The ss/kk scenes are always great and in character and a joy–#to witness no matter what they do. He just doesn't shine particularly? Or at least personally I dont find the “proving my strength against–#myself” narrative arc to be particularly interesting. Imo it was a lot better flashed out in the da stage play! With the complexity that–#the dialogues with Chuuya added to the character. Dazai attacking him. And especially Aktgw understanding that Rashomon wasn't testing Aktg#but rather only expressing that unstoppable rage that is also Aktgw's own. About that I checked out the play and I really liked it!!#I only watched highlights (aka: ss/kk and chuu/aku scenes) but there's some stuff I really like. I like the conflict between Aktgw and–#Chuuya and how Chuuya messes up with Aktgw at first maliciously and then amiably. It's interesting how Atsushi himself observes that Kyouka#and Akutagawa get along. And especially the sskk almost-handholding and Atsushi saying Akutagawa has a nice profile were cute akjdhbsawhjb#Next. Da really is shipping paradise (╥﹏╥) Sorry but... It is. oda/zai. daz/atsu. ss/kk. s/kk. fuku/mori. chuu/aku. It really has everythin#and the moments are so good!!!! What else. Wish we'd see more of Tsujimura. And Christie. And women in general tbh.#Also‚‚‚‚‚ Atsushi's tiger form in this movie is ATROCIOUS. I've said it before but it's crazy how a franchises that relies so heavily on–#fanservice came up with something this hideous. Man the movie overall was pretty but Atsushi sure wasn't. Firmly stand by the belief–#that only Akutagawa would find that form attractive.#Oh last note. honestly if we're ready to accept a movie where an antidote has effect AFTER the person has effectively died then we really–#can't complain about any kind of insanity the manga brings up#random rambles
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Being multigender really is just struggling to not let people pick one of your genders over another yknow
#like i gotta prove that im a man with all my might because nobody irl thinks im one#but if i insist too much then they forget im also a woman#and being both a gnc woman and gender conforming man makes it really difficult#because one theres always gonna be things about me people will consider inherently feminine no matter what#my figure. my voice. etc#so at best theyll consider me andorgynous or a feminine man whos also a woman#its complicated. i dont get much dysphoria but most of what i do get is social#and just. frustration that so few people will actually see me the way i want to be seen#like im nonbinary yes but i dont go by they/them and both binary genders equally apply to me#yes im a man and yes im a woman no i dont fluctuate between them im both 100% of the time#yes i consider myself masculine and no i do not relate to femininity#no i dont want to quote on quote try harder to be masculine. i just am i like how i look and i feel masculine and thats good enough#i have adhd and doing the bare minimum to manage my health each day is hard enough#do i look like i want to do anything else#idk why i went on a ramble but anyway. wish i could magically make people see me and my gender the way i want to be seen
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its not serious Ur not serious ab it An ur motives r stupid n hold no real life value
#been feelin sorta stupid lately#havent been sleeping well#feel empty . wanna try sm new . not motivated#cant create how i wanna . cant create what i have to . feels stale#think i mighr prove myself as an idiot before ever getting anyones faith in me in the first place#think i might just be a really smart idiot#jus bcuz i have big boy thoughts doesnt mwan im smart . maybe it just means everyone else is stupid for listening#i like feeling smart but i think im overselling myself#managed to fool myself too#m scatterbrained#m not nearly as bad as i was#im fine now . just stagnant#cant get anything done . not that i could then either#i dont even remember what it was like then#probably for the best#idealizing something i cant recall . i dont even have evidence of the worst of it#dont even know what went wrong to be honest#never got told directly . i never get told directly#always have to guess or find out some other offhand way#complaining about too much rn#mm#dont know whay my problem is#n no one else can figure it out for me#well maybe someone can#takes a while#and a lotta effort#gggghhhh#ok#m done
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the media which consumes your entire soul at age 12 will forever be a part of you. this is an unavoidable consequence of living and you have to accept this fact. no matter how old you get, no matter how long it has been since you last saw its smug face peeking out from the bushes as it follows you, no matter if you think you have outrun it for good and that you're finally finally safe and you hardly even remember it exists anymore and your brain knows a few brief moments of true peace, it WILL catch up to you in your moment of weakness. and listen you don't want to hear this but sometimes this is necessary for your mental health. you will on instinct want to reject it and run away again but sometimes. sometimes you just need to watch that old show or listen to that silly song or read that weird book again as an adult and it will hurt you a little bit in various little ways but it will also heal you a little bit. you can call it nostalgia you can call it connecting with your inner child or whatever you want but just listen to me it WILL HAPPEN TO YOU TOO AT SOME POINT AND YOU HAVE TO BE PREPARED FOR THIS (i am forcibly dragged off the stage by security)
#heed my warning boy#it seems i am not well today#recently made the reluctant decision to revisit what was probably my VERY FIRST real hyperfixation#something that i don't necessarily want to mention by name right now because. well#its pretty objectively bad LOL like i dont think i know of ANYONE still posting about it or really proud of having liked it back in the day#i dont think it is as well known to the general public so it wont get me hunted down for sport even if i did name it probably hopefully#but for those who know its. probably not the best thing to be revisiting lmao (even though i think it might still be being made?? wtf)#but i felt i had to because i was about to start my period and was going crazy insane like you do you know how it is#and i randomly remembered a fanfic i loved and then remembered my fav character and how much i loved him#my actual first ever blorbo oh my GOD he was everything to me#so i reluctantly decided to rewatch “just the first few episodes” just to see how much i remembered and also to prove to myself it sucks#but surprise surprise: nostalgia and hormones are making me actually kind of enjoy it#and now i am suffering from fucking Catholic-like Guilt for not hating it which i think is pretty silly lmao#so im kind of posting this in an attempt to convince myself that its like. FINE and cringe is dead and all that#and that sometimes i gotta be nice to my little mentally ill brain and give it the junk food (bad media) it craves#ESPECIALLY when im on my period LMAO#anyway completely unrelated: why the FUCK do i still remember almost every single fucking word to the delicious tomato song SDHJFKSAJF#i hope no one actually reads this far in the tags bc i know that reveal will probably deal psychological damage to some of you LMAO SORRYYY#ok yeah posting this and then immediately going to bed so that the Haters cant reach me LOL SEE YA
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i love making things for my friends!! i love it when my friends enjoy the things i make them!!!!!
#ramblies#i just appreciate them all so much. its the little things- the pins ive made them on their bags‚ the art ive made them as icons on socials#maybe its not much to them but its everything to me to know that the little things ive spent a little time making are worn#like badges of honor. its so special to me.#like‚ generally now i just feel so valued. my relationships are natural and reciprocal.#its like... finally!! THIS is what ive been fucking missing this whole time!! this ease!!#i dont need to prove myself‚ to compensate‚ to ask for reminders that im valued. they show me all the time. i never have to ask.#i dont know what happened. i dont know what changed from high school to now. i became a better person‚ i met better people? both.#i dont care how long it lasts or if its not this good forever. im just happy to be here. i finally feel worthy of this‚ without question#ive only known them for a few months but its the most secure ive ever felt.#maybe im oversharing!! i dont know!! i cant tell them outright ill overwhelm them!! its my blog and i can overshare if i want to!!#i dont know. im just grateful.#in other news i cleaned up my room a bit too‚ did lots of housework. always feels really cleansing.#after a stressful day yesterday this is what ive needed. a self care day. i have a lot of stuff to do but... it can wait while i rest lol#idk its just. so special to feel like i finally dont have to be the ''best'' or whatever to be loved. im loved as i am.#no arbitrary comparisons. its not conditional. i dont need to compete‚ i always feel like theres room. i hope we all thrive.
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[in which i reread the angela comics for every reference to the anchorites so i can prepare for a post about sera i am probably never going to write]
#i am actually incapable of thinking properly#i have the thoughts in my head!!! but the second i try to write it out in any way intellectual i simply fail#i feel like yall actually dont get the worst of that. it stays in drafts. its way worse when i speak i stutter + slur + forget words So much#anyway#its probably for the best#ill stay silly :3#nyxtalks#its just. so interesting. hevens society and the segregation and misandry and the way sera exists as a direct contradiction to everything#that is said about the anchorites and im just!!!!!!!#god i love sera so much.#they say thw anchorites are weak but here is sera; fighting alongside hevens greatest soldier#and just#it's affirmation of seras gender shes not like all the things they say about the men but also its a statement that we are wrong about them#and it can be read both ways and i like to read it as both because the plight of the anchorites is so important to sera#i don't see her saying it to distance herself from them everything she wants is to prove that anchorites are MORE#[screams]#sorry i said i wouldn't angela post but u already knew that was a lie these girls r everything to me#im like. 10x more unhinged about angela than izzy theres just. feedback with izzy? we encourage each other but I have to do angela to myself#read the angela comics boy [threat]
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the crazy insane experience of two trains driving side by side for a while and seeing everyone on the other train and realising everyone has their own life and their own joys and sorrows and feeling incredibly small and human and then the trains slowly and dramatically parting. im normal btw
#salisha speaks#well thats a regular friday morning i guess .#all this while listening to my sad little playlist too 😭😭😭#yesterday i was walking home and holocene came on#and the line and at once i knew i was not magnificent HIT ME SO HARD#like im.not magnificent. and indont have to be!!!#like maybe there is no greater purpose in life i am not here to achieve crazy things#i dont have to be the best i dont have to prove myself i dont have to preform to exist#i just am. im just living. there is nothing to do but just live.....#realising that is so freeing like girls. we can just exist we dont have to do anything else to be worthy#LOVE IS EVERYTHING PEACE AND LOVE ON PLANAT EARTH. ETX#if ur still reading this ily 🩷🩷🩷 go exist today bestie u are so loved
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sometimes i do genuinely like to think that the reading comprehension and attitudes toward authors & creators on this site is not all bad anymore and is on the road to improvement. and then people will lambast some random creator they know nothing about because they didnt bare enough of their soul to have "permission" to create the art that they did and call them "problematic" or whatever and force them to come out with something extremely personal that they had no obligation of telling anybody until a bunch of self important randos made a game out of bullying them. and im like. Oh okay. nevermind then
#its shit like this that makes me want to dumb my work down so that people dont force me to say shit abt myself#or ''prove'' shit abt myself#Like im never gonna do that. and im going to do my very best to distance my works from the ppl that do this shit but#its hard sometimes knowing that this is the audience i have a chance at garnering .#transmission
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why did my brain decide to push the burnout button in exam season
#im tired#that 95% drive in me at the beginning of the year is beginning to extinguish#im trying to study#im memorizing and analyzing and understanding#but im not focused#these last few months ive been trying to achieve my best in the unit tests#now that the mid year exams are here. i dont know.#i hate not being as smart as my friends who score 97%+ in every exam#i hate comparing myself i hate feeling like proving myself to everyone#i need a break but i dont have the time to rest#rant
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Vent
#my friends always start fighting when theyre drunk.#like theyre the sweetest couple and would never break up and theyre getting married once they have the funds but#as soon as theyve gone down a bottle of vodka and its starting to get late they both get emotional and snappy#always start arguing#its so tiring#like i know i shouldnt drink with them anyway#they're alcoholics and i shouldnt drink with them because like. they shouldnt drink at all. and me joining them is giving them an incentive#but i cant tell them what to do either#and i dont wanna be like “no you cant have alcohol in my house thats not allowed” like some youth pastor#now they came into my room to ask if they could drink my alcohol since theirs ran out and i feel so gross#i dont want to fuel this behavior#its gotten worse i think#i should say no next time they ask to drink#theyre amazing and my best friends and have been the only people ive hung out with during my intense remote learning uni courses#but its so gross to feel like im endorsing this behavior when i join them and when they get like this#i dont know how to handle it and theyre obviously ashamed of their actions because they have to ask me to let them drink my alcohol as well#but theyre. idk. i dont wanna be an annoying savior complex esque “get sober” person either#i literally felt the need to hide the leftover alcohol and it proved to be needed since they came asking for it#its a bad time all around. i dont know how to handle this.#same with their fighting. they argue and end up hurting eachother and then immediately talk it out then hurt again then quiet then talk#its just a neverending ouroboros of fighting and making up#and its making everyone else uncomfortable and that fuels one of them to get even more heated#its so frustrating to endure as a bystander because they dont think theyre fighting#its a hassle. all this is a hassle. going away for uni is going to be interesting. i want a blunt#get them high instead of drunk and they wouldnt fight. or try to get more from someone else. maybe.#tried to hint that they should sleep but theyre staying up longer. im going to bed. getting to separate myself from the emotional storm#the borderline in them is probably blown out of proportion when drunk.#eugh#I dont like this
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why did god give me the ability to ask questions i'm not ready to hear the answers to
#olive rambles#not gonna say much more because this is already Too Much i can feel it#but damn. i really thought i was gonna get a different answer. it was the only reason why i felt comfortable asking her - who knows me best#- in the first place#damn. at least i have a new goal: find someone who doesn't think im Too anything#i can be something. anything. but please. tell me i can find someone who won't think me a superlative. not Too#im tired of being Too Much. even when i dont try i am. i hate how easily it carves me hollow and leaves me with nothing but bones.#i can feel myself doing it right now too. im sorry. how do i cut it out of me#not even trying to meme it by saying shit like haha its silly ♡ call me a lorde album or a Shakespearean soliloquy ♡ hamlet would Get Me#is working#i dont even feel like i can explain myself without proving the fucking point either#fuck it all. i gotta swallow it before it swallows me.
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ok read all of the tags before coming at me
#i just wanted to talk in the tags#but like part of me hates that theres so much positivity for cluster b disorders#no no no hear me out#like i dont have empathy and im better than everybody because of it like i dont give a fuck if im “still a good person”#like no bitch im the best at being the worst and everybody should hate me because im better at being worse than they are#anyways i think i have npd#also all the positivity helps me sometimes like when i feel like im destined to be nothing but a shit person#but rn i am better than everybody else and if you agree with that then im hoing to tell you to gtfo#cuz i have to be the only one who is right in thinking im the best#and if you tell me im not better than everybody that will just fuel my ego because that proves that im right and youre wrong#i should not be allowed in public lmao#usually its not this extreme but like im a little fucked up rn#i keep trying to save people who dont think they need to be saved and it makes me angry as shit#like IK hes 28 and can handle shit himself but i need to fucking save him because he wont help himself damnit#if you want things done right you have to do them yourself#and so ill march my ass all the way ovwr thwre and save him myself#i wanna go tf to bed now#anyways i am on a damn high rn just from my own ego and i love it <3#anyways imma go to bed now#good night queers and peers
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i took the bait. i took the bait and i am suffering the quencies.
#i am so tired#my brothers loooove racism#i know they just dont want to recognize it bc then they have to face the face that theyre racist lmfao#face the fact*#we made peace (well. ''peace''. i am still appalled w them.) though so whatever#mum congratulated us on being able to step back and move on so yay i fucking guess#best outcome considering everything. but god. fuck.#i know i am putting myself directly in harm's way by ever engaging and trying to educate#but everyone says ur a bad person if u dont educate when u have the chance to. so. i want to help and make the world better#and i have no opportunities to otherwise. but its not doing anyone any good to try to engage w family#i just. keep trying. bc i keep thinking its so fucking obvious and indisputable. and then they keep proving me wrong. somehow.#im a fucking awful person if i don't try though. i have to keep trying even if it fucks me over. bc ppl do so much out there#and im sitting in this stupid fucking house absolutely useless doing nothing. i have to try#but I can't keep getting in trouble. im going to smash my head into a wall. i just want to help.#i just want to be helpful. i dont want to be a bad person fjfjdl i dont want to let harm continue#and maybe im just being dramatic abt getting into trouble !!! maybe it is not that bad !!! and if i stop trying then im a coward !!!#i dont know !!!! i want to go to bed. nightmares are easier to handle than this rn honestly.#pippen needs 2nd breakfast
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wait why am i looking at the deconversion tag i still have some faith left lol.
#the fact that this shit got started around march 2021 when my friend who faked his death ask#if i dont believe in evolution. i said 'of course i do believe in science*'#* = with terms and conditions and a lot of picking and choosing#and the floodgates of me who have been wondering why is it a sin to#sing and dance and have negative feelings#why are we banned from doing natural human activities that are as easy as breathing#and then i learn about the bite cult model#and i also learn dialectical materialism. and read gramsci#so at 14 i was already getting confused cause im gay and all#and i console myself by saying that whatever god says its always for the best so you should follow it no matter what because your life will#be happier. but then more research proved some things im told to follow was actually detrimental to my wellbeing#so you see. im in a pickle#rn i still have faith and i believe that the problem is just im close to the end times thats why a lot of the knowledge of my religion is#very distorted and used to nefarious ends and that the real teaching is what would liberate my ppl#but you know#there is a lot of things contradicting each other that i prefer not thinking atm#religion#posts about my life
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something really fun and sexy adhd will do is block you from ever actually showing others what you're truly capable of. lol
#this is SO inconsequential but im kinda upset abt it#i finished my final american lit paper today. 9 pages kind of a big deal. im glad its done now#but i cant even be proud of it#bc i changed my original idea four times and only wound up with a week to work on the final version which. wasnt really enough time#and it morphed while i was writing it too bc i came up with a better angle#but now its really disorganized which i know ill lose points on. and i Know its not my best work#but i dont have time to fix it bc its due tomorrow#and just. if i hadnt put this off. or hadnt kept chasing down whatever new fun shiny thing i came up with instead#its not even a bad essay its just. i could for sure do better. i had three weeks i could have CRUSHED this#smth that really shows what im capable of and could net me the grade i know i can get when im at my best#its the difference between a 70 and a 90 but it matters to me#i started it early and still wound up rushing myself and procrastinating#all bc this is what my brain just always fucking does#levi.txt#and to top it all off i REALLY like this prof. ive taken two courses with him hes super cool and ive had actual fun in his classes#... and This is the impression i have to leave him with. a half assed mess#i know he knows what i can do and im so disappointed i couldnt pass smth better in to prove it#esp bc its the LAST paper i will ever write in one of his classes :(#like. my original idea was a historical overview and it wound up talking abt depictions of the thing instead#so i have like 3 paragraphs of Just history/background that i dont know how to break down and integrate and its MESSY#im not a perfectionist in any other aspect of life but when it comes to papers i absolutely am. i wish i had time to fix this
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im about to go to sleep but everybody needs to wish me good luck i have 3 whole finals this week
#wind howls#i have so many weird feelings#tomorrow is arguably the hardest what with it being the philosophy exam and having to write almost a thousand words abt freedom and not#i am terrified. i want to be done with philosophy so desperately and i want to know and prove to myself that i CAN be okay at school#and yet what a thrill it is to be terrified of a final exam. it means i did manage to make it this far !#whether im confident or not doesnt matter. what matters is that im taking this damn final no matter what. scared and all#im gonna fucking do it ! and even if i dont pass it ill still have done it and im going to be proud of myself for being able to do it !!!#im terrified ! but im glad i get to be a lil scared and know ill still do it and itll pass rather than letting th stress get the best of me#which is probably what i wouldve done 2 years ago. ive grown baby ! im celebrating that for my own wellbeing and because i deserve to.#tuesday is my french final (even though theres another exam afterwards. dont as me why. its dumb as hell but this is the biggest one)#and thursday i gotta hand in my exploration final (and then ill be done with that!) and present my gym class exam#which im not afraid of. i have to come up with a training routine for like an hour and present it to a classmate and theyll grade me#surprisingly its the one im most confident in. i love being an instructor and i miss it ! and ive built lectures for days that were worse !#so im actually quite excited for that one hehehe#ah ! i need to sleep now though#everybody wish me luck ! goodnight !
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