#i dont understand where the disconnect is. everything seems so easy for everyone else

[poptartmochi]

methinks my options are to get better or die

[dhmis-autism]

I think Red Guy is interesting too I think it's because he's the most likely to play along until he suddenly isn't. Yellow has specific things he plays along with and things he doesn't, Duck doesn't like to play along at all, and Red... plays along until he gets fed up with it. And then when he's done, he just explodes. And then he's fine again. I imagine his inner monologue is complete nonsense until he's annoyed

HES SO WEIRD TO ME!! In the webseries and show both lol, his parts or parts focusing on him have always left me the most confused.

Him being annoyed with certain things always seems to come out of nowhere for me and be totally unreadable beforehand (though like. that could be the autism . _ . ). I think a lot about his jokey pivot from "You- You said you weren't gonna talk to him like that anymore :(" to "I'M DEALING WITH IT" like every time he's annoyed in the series it genuinely feels as jarring to me as that.

I think the only times I was able to get where his head was at was when it was clearly telegraphed to my little baby brain like in the Computer ep in the webseries.

There are some episodes especially in the series like, at the start of Transport, he starts off the episode already exasperated/restless. Nobody else is, just him? It's so weird to me. I would say same with the Jobs ep? Though it kind of mirrors him at the beginning of Time, where he's just annoyed at his routine being interrupted right? But then in Jobs he winds up being one of the two who goes along with everything the most, contrast that with Transport where he stays restless the whole episode.

I DONT GET YOU RED MAN I DONT UNDERSTAND YOU AT ALLLL WEH

^^^ AN ENIGMA.

Like, Duck I get. Full of himself ( I think Joe and Baker in one interview called him delusional 😭), lots of weird rules in his head that only he can make sense of, let's keep this organized, let's keep things right, super blunt, missing half the social cues in the room. That's so easy.

Yellows also again, SO easy for me to get a grip on. Super empathetic,super curious, thoughtful and easy for people to get on with at first, occasionally drops cryptic shit, has a very clear disconnect between his complex thoughts and what winds up coming out through the limited vocabulary of their world ( when charged, this disconnect goes the other way, using wildly out of world words and concepts and not catching how uncomfortable he's making everyone at first) LIKE. I GET IT.

The MOST I can get about Red is that he's definitely got a theme of isolation going? He's got this weird longing to be with people like him ,visually at least, but anytime he is, he's IMMIDIATELY rejected. ( Family ep and Dreams ep) He's way goofier than people remember like Yellow and Duck are down for bits always but on a good day so is he. He gets real looney with it he gets real goofy with it. ( HE MADE THOSE HAND PUPPETS IN THE WEBSERIES!! HES A SILLY GUY) He's also like? weirdly shy about weird stuff? Like, in electricity during his little talk with Duck he won't even LOOK at him when he's saying he likes looking at him?? WHAT IS THIS?? God he's so weird to me I don't get him at all. THATS ALL I COULD TELL U ABOUT HIM. LIKE AT ALL. I DONT GET ITTT

[sophfandoms53]

So would you say Dewey and Louie were the most consistently well written characters on Ducktales from start to finish with his arc overall? Considering how others either were not focused enough (Huey, Donald, Della, and LP), had not so good writing in the finale (Scrooge/Webby), and a bit of both (Beakley), those two seems to be the consistent ones.

Anon, honestly, I would love to agree with you about both Dewey and Louie in this regard, unfortunately, there’s a slight issue.

Louie’s character in the sense of his arc was handled very well throughout seasons 1 and 2, and throughout the majority of season 3. However, there are two episodes where Louie’s writing hits a bump in season 3, those two episodes being The Trickening and Fight For Castle McDuck.

Ironically, the two episodes from this season (outside of the finale) that caused the most discussion and uproar in the fandom.

While Trickening doesn’t mishandle Louie’s character as poorly as Fight for Castle McDuck did, it doesn’t change the fact this episode is the source of this writing issue involving Louie’s character, at least where his treatment of Huey is concerned.

Now in these two episodes we see Louie having issue w/ Huey’s planning/schedule tendencies, something Louie is very well aware that his brother does and that it’s a source of comfort for Huey, so it’s a little odd seeing Louie have this sort of animosity towards this rather normal behavior Huey displays.

In Trickening, Louie’s seen mocking Huey’s attachment to the JWG (again something that is a comfort for Huey, and Louie KNOWS that) and then getting extremely upset at Huey for lying about his awareness of the existence of the haunted house and immediately jumping down Huey’s throat about being selfish and for lying (the former is false and absolutely the last thing Huey is, and the latter, while true, Huey had his reasons for why he lied) and while an upset response to Huey lying is a normal reaction, it coming from Louie is a bit odd.

Louie’s anger towards Huey is over a minor harmless lie and could’ve just been solved with a simple “Huey, why did you lie?” and insert Huey’s explanation, but we have an episode length to fill so we gotta have some tension through a misunderstanding and then at the end we can have people finally communicate. As much as I’m being sarcastic, I do really like that scene of Huey and Louie talking and apologizing for their respective actions, and both coming together over their love for each other and for Halloween, the biggest holiday they had together w/ Dewey before going to the mansion, but it is slightly frustrating watching this inorganic Louie vs Huey conflict that is actually handled better in another episode, I’ll get to that later though.

Let’s talk Fight for Castle McDuck, holy crud is this episode a mess. Not even just with Huey and Louie’s plot, but Dewey and Webby’s as well as Scrooge and Matilda’s plots are so unbearable to watch. I rewatched this episode recently and I cannot tell you guys the amount of times I wanted to break my television over practically every single characters behavior in this episode, save for Dewey and Huey who were completely fine in the episode, but everyone else? OH. MY. GOD.

Critiquing the problems on this episode can be a whole discussion in itself, and I might do that, but right now, let’s focus on Louie in this episode.

Louie has the same issue with Huey that he had in Trickening, so essentially it’s a “we’ve done this plot before but let’s do it again except slightly differently” type of plot, nothing wrong with those, except Louie is uncharacteristically mean to Huey throughout the episode, like, borderline how Huey and Dewey treated him in Other Bin mean, and we all know how I feel about Other Bin.

Just at the start of the episode Louie yells at Huey by saying, “No! BAD NERD.” And that’s just a line that doesn’t sit well with me, like Louie, Huey isn’t a dog, there was no need for such a line. And then later when Huey is explaining his plan to find the bagpipes, Louie is dozing off and explains how he’s taking a Huooze, something he does when Huey explains nerd stuff, except Louie’s never done that before or after this episode so that’s always fun. Louie is just not giving off good vibes the entire episode, and I understand the lesson Louie was meant to have is sometimes doing things the easy way isn’t always the best way, and that lesson is fine, but they didn’t need to execute it the way that they did.

Not to mention how this plot, which is completely disconnected to Dewey and Webby’s & Scrooge and Matilda’s plots, suddenly gets dragged into those two plots because this is season 3 where comedy is our passion so let’s have every single character be overly dramatic and insult everyone around them despite us being family and then after everyone’s been absolutely awful to each other, let’s not apologize no, let’s just act like this was a normal lesson in family’s fight but we can work through it and be stronger because of it! AND OH MY GOD NO NONE OF WHAT HAPPENED IN THIS EPISODE WAS A NORMAL FAMILY FIGHT. PLEASE DONT TELL YOUR AUDIENCE OF CHILDREN THIS IS NORMAL.

AND THIS ISNT EVEN SCRATCHING THE SURFACE OF HOW AWFUL WEBBY’S BEHAVIOR IN THE EPISODE WAS AND-

Okay okay, rant for another time, back to Louie.

I bring up Trickening and Fight for Castle McDuck as examples as bumps in Louie’s writing because outside of these episodes, Louie is written rather well and very supportive of both Huey and Dewey’s comfort tendencies, Huey w/ his JWG and Dewey w/ his thirst for attention/validation.

Focusing on season 3 episodes specifically, in Challenge of the Senior-Junior Woodchucks Louie is the only one who actually helps Huey feel better about not having the guidebook with him, he even calls Huey “king-nerd” in a very kind way, then in Lost Harp of Mervana Louie learns from Webby’s optimism that sometimes looking for the best in people isn’t so bad just as Webby learns that sometimes people don’t always have your best interest from Louie, that’s a balance in their dynamic and is done very well, and finally in Rumble for Ragnorak Louie’s behavior is reliant solely on knowing Dewey his whole life and exactly how his brother is going to react when being put in front of a crowd, and because of how well Louie knows Dewey, when his older brother is doubting himself, Louie has learned the best way to get Dewey back to himself by telling him “Let’s Dewey it.”

Louie’s grown a lot and he understands his family incredibly well, so seeing that aspect of him disappear in two episodes, while minor, still sucks in the sense of character consistency.

There is an episode from season 3 that does this conflict between Huey and Louie really well and it’s Let’s Get Dangerous, the reason being: Louie doesn’t mock Huey in this episode for his JW tendencies or questions, instead, Louie just straight up tells Huey that not everything has be a problem or a mystery, which ironically leads to Huey discovering the problem with Bulba’s machine and that it was part of a lost mystery that Finch was searching for. That’s exactly how Louie should react when he feels Huey’s want for answers can get in the way of him getting a quick fortune. Not mocking his brother for comfort tendencies he is well aware his brother has.

Overall, Louie has been well written throughout the series but we can’t ignore how the writing for him in both Trickening and Fight for Castle McDuck mess up his rather solid consistency.

Now Dewey’s character arc and development can also be an entire post like this as well as I genuinely feel, favorite character bias aside, Dewey is the best written character in the entire series, and I mean that from a writers and critic’s perspective.

But like I said, that can be a whole other discussion.

[dahniwitchoflight]

Homesquared Chapter 14 part b

Alright time for more reactions to Homesqaured- oh jeezus

the last one of these I did was from october last year, hoo boy alright brain time to get back on the time train things are happening fast

we last left off with me thinking they just fucking hilled Harry but I remembered the wrong house so Harrys fine, John not so much

Yeah, John sad but ooh Karkat shows up!

They seem to have a mutual conversation about lost youth and stuff, really makes these characters feel oold

“JOHN: jeez, i'm sorry karkat.

JOHN: i had no idea how much time had passed.

JOHN: i must have gotten a bit distracted by my house being blown up.“

Oh man, John thats a whole ass MOOD

lol at sburb allocated blow job

yeah Karkats right tho, John does kind of need a kick in the pants to see how he might have been useful here, but Johns still stuck in this rut of not seeing anything around him as Real real, so hes blind to all of the consequences of inaction

John its called derealization and depersonalization, you can get help for that yknow

But I mean, cant really blame him, hes being smothered by the fires of Doom all around him

Its interesting to see that Karkat, a Blood player, is more comfortable navigating through things that constrain them and tie them down, since constraint is something Blood and Doom have in common, Chains and Barriers and Laws and etc

Whereas John the Breath player, just gets bogged down, hes totally out of his element

so it ends up being like John: “Id like to cling to some funny moments of my youth pls and try to lighten the situation up a bit because I cant do anything when so heavy”

versus Karkat being like: “BUCKLE UP FUCK TITS THIS SHIT IS YOUR LIFE NOW GETS USED TO WADING KNEE DEEP IN THE SHIT LIKE THE REST OF US GROWN ASS ADULTS”

John: ):

Hmm, both Vriskas have been captured, but Annie basically rescued herself, knowing Vriska Prime she probably has a plan or an idea about that, see well see how that goes

“KARKAT: JANE'S PLAN FOR THIS CONFLICT HAS THUS FAR CONSISTED ALMOST ENTIRELY OF KIDNAPPING VARIOUS HIGH PROFILE CHILDREN.

KARKAT: IT'S BIZARRE.

KARKAT: AS THOUGH WE ARE FIGHTING A WAR OF ATTRITION, WHERE THE MAIN RESOURCE BEING UTILIZED IS THE OFFSPRING OF THE MOST POWERFUL PEOPLE ON THE PLANET.KARKAT: IF IT WASN'T ONE OF THE CORE TENETS OF HER FASCISTIC PHILOSOPHY, I'D BE TEMPTED TO SAY THAT CURBING REPRODUCTION MIGHT HAVE BEEN A GOOD IDEA, IF ONLY TO PREVENT THIS KIND OF FUCKSHIT NONSENSE FROM HAPPENING.

Oh. Well I guess that was Dirk’s “plans” for Jane all along. Obviously he was using Jane as a vehicle to gather “players” for his eventually next session, interesting

But who has Jane kidnapped in total thus far?

Does Tavros count? he was certainly trapped with her for some amount of his life, but I dont know if that counts as a kidnapping, John certainly tried to kidnap HIM though from the epilogues

Annie certainly counts as being kidnapped

Vrissy has JUST been captured so that counts, and Harry so far is still fine

Which bodes so well for Harry’s future Im sure

Yeah, Vriska should have been able to not outwit any capture attempts, but my guess is either Vrissy got capture and Vriska dove in, OR, Vriska’s doing an inside job so to speak and got caught on purpose, dragging Vrissy along as well

I guess we’ll see when we see their “prison”

Anyway John, don’t get so down on yourself, you’re just ignorant to everythiong around you! thats why nothing makes sense and you can’t connect to anything, easy fix! Just try to learn more and care more about stuff lol

Man does this feel like a strong metaphor between people who are into/care about politics and people who feel like they can’t get into it though

Crossing that hurdle from one side to the other is rough

“KARKAT: BUT NOTICING THE PROBLEM AND MAKING MEANINGFUL PROGRESS TOWARDS SOLVING IT ARE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THINGS.”

yup

man, this is all feeling startlingly relevant to the current times, I should have read this sooner

“ KARKAT: PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME YOU JUST HAD ANOTHER EMOTION THAT WE NEED TO DROP EVERYTHING IN ORDER TO DISSECT. “

hah, oh wow, Karkat when you phrase it like that, it’s almost as if you’ve become self aware of your tendencies to Moirail people out of their problems

Not really that out of character for a Blood player to end up being the Therapy Friend though lol

Just don’t burn yourself out on that though

JOHN: karkat, we still haven't spoken about *you*!

KARKAT: ABOUT ME?

JOHN: yes.

KARKAT: ABOUT *ME*?

JOHN: about you.

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK ABOUT ME.

JOHN: well...

JOHN: you know, how you feel!

KARKAT: HOW I FEEL.

I know Karkat has probably matured past misunderstandings like this now given he’s really come into a great understanding of his Blood aspect, but by golly do I wish Karkat would misunderstand this as John’s attempts to be Moirail-reciprocal sdkjfhwlijebr

What a perfect way to continue their relationship, on top of more misconstrued romance quadrants XD

Spades is old Hat, Diamonds are in now babey

Oh

this started out funny, but Karkat’s emotional rant just ended up being depressing not funny ):

I have to say though, it is REALLY interesting to see John’s depression manifesting in a very breathy sort of way

Karkat in these panels was more closer together, connected, but as John gets more and more depressed over the course of Karkat’s rant when he realizes Karkat doesn’t know dave died, the panels get seperated by lines of blue, and slowly drift off away from John and from eachother

but thats basically been hows its been manifesting all along

the more John feels Disconnected and Seperate from the reality he finds himself in, the more he finds his will untethered, the more depressed and unable to act he gets

and right now its so much so that even a fuller fledged Blood player is having trouble grounding him back down

I don’t know, I always viewed the depression metaphor as a dark watery void to sink into and feels heavy and encapsulating (but probably thats just my Light-y interpretation of it)

so its interesting to see the depression metaphor as this floating disconnection instead, so much that it leans towards derelaization/depersonalistion/dissociation as well

I wonder if John will start dealing with bouts of actual full blown dissociation as this gets worse?

I mean, Breath aspect has given the literal ability to ghost around wherever he pleases in all other ways, why not literally and physcologically as well?

So John seems to be fully overembracing his aspect here, to a very unhealthy degree here, which I see you asking “aha Dahni, but hes doesn’t have overblown self esteem here, quite the opposite, is this not an inverted state instead? or something else because hes acting like hes inverting to Breath?”

and I say not so! reader, for overembracing is the idea that through your aspect, your will is overwriting the wills of others, and in someone like Vriska, this manifests in a very selfish and over self esteemed way

but is not John’s will overwriting Karkat’s here? Through Breath? And isnt John also being a little selfish here? Considering how he feels about things, more important than how anyone else feels? How Karkat feels?

John is too dissociated to understand that this reality is Real and has Consequences he needs to care about, and Karkat is trying to fight against that, trying to instill his belief that no, this shit is real and it Matters Why Don’t You Care, trying to ground him, trying to give him that dose of Blood he needs

but John’s overembracing Breath is just, blowing that all away, its becoming too strong

Roxy in the epilogues dealt with this as well, when John was really in the shits with it and started to believe Roxy’s whole personality was somehow fake and his own construction, because he convinced himself Roxy would never choose to do the things she did, but Roxy was able to snap him out of it and make him understand and respect it was her own choices that led down his path, not the idea that John’s choices are somehow overriding everyones

But man, John sure is riding that Breath train way too hard, and he keeps snapping back into it as well

Further and Further

[curlytemple]

alrighty @scottspack here i am to show my ass 

top 10 ships tag! these aren’t “in order” but #1 is #1 

1. cory and topanga! (boy meets world) my very first thought when given this prompt, theyre the blueprint! they are just BABIEs when they meet and they already Know each other. i will not pretend that topanga didnt shape me into the kind of girl who wouldnt change one thing about herself for a boy, keep your legs hairy and your convictions strong! the way they grow together is enough to make me hate god for not giving ME a cory matthews. high school ski trip infidelity aside, theyre the first couple that made me think i could find a man. i was wrong but its nice to think about. 

2. kim possible and ron stoppable... the way the entire series is about kim being a wildly competent type A cheerleader AND teenage vigilante super spy and ron is her chilled out lame best friend who is Always there to help her save the day... please take a moment to listen to the jesse mccartney song why don’t you kiss her? that plays during the romantic climax of the kim possible movie, perfectly capturing the intense fear that comes with thinking about maybe finally kissing your best friend from preschool at your junior prom. 

3. tami and coach eric taylor (friday night lights) ...come on, y’all!!!! genuinely the most real relationship i have ever seen on screen. i don’t even know what to say other than that they are REAL. coach and tami are such a good couple that it doesn’t make any sense to me that their kid would have such a massive stick up her ass. i even tried an ‘empathize with julie’ rewatch, and while a lot of her teen angst is understandable and even relatable, she still seems so disconnected from her parents/dillon at the end of the show in a very unsatisfying way! coach and tami are the heart of fnl. and tim riggins.

4. belly conklin and conrad fisher (the summer i turned pretty trilogy by jenny han) bro.... when your mother’s dying wish is for you to care for your little brother, so when he has a little crush on the girl you are In Love With you bury your feelings and go to college far away because nothing is more important than their happiness, and they could be happy together! and years go by and theyre going to get married and youre set on being Happy For Them until you find out how much your brother has actually done to break her heart and her trust and then the thought of her settling for him is even more devastating than your true desire for her to settle for you.... WHEW! when you’ve been busy coming of age and trying to make it work with your best friend that isnt really right for you and then you find out his brother who you’ve been in love with your whole life turned into a distant asshole because the most important person in yalls lives taught him to be selfless and he over-corrected in his grief... BOY!! this one makes me feel like my heart is in my stomach.

5. SENSE8! can i just say all of it? everything and everyone? if you are bisexual and havent watched sense8 yet, this one is for us, baby! the ship is an interconnected web of LOVE AND TRUST. the pairings are endless. if i HAD to choose my fav, wolfgang and kala (and rajan <3) and i cant explain why i would pick them over anyone else, thats just what my pussy told me. but frankly i shouldnt have to choose, THEY ALL SHARE ONE CONSCIOUSNESS! ONE LOVE! 

6. david and patrick (schitt’s creek) you know the way we all feel like we aren’t enough and we’re Way Too Much.. dan levy really said hey guys? no offense but i think we might be capable of loving and even maybe Being Loved. the way patrick is all in on david rose from the moment he meets him, before he can even consider what that means about himself... the way they push each other out of their comfort zones and only get more comfortable with themselves and each other..  the way david’s abstract monochrome wardrobe fills with HEARTS AND RAINBOWS !!!!!! again, where’s my man? ANYWAYS, 

7. todd and rory (straight up) anna said this post is for romantic ships only and so I CAN AND WILL INCLUDE THEM. i don’t want to give any spoilers because i dont think tumblr has seen this yet, but when i say this is THE romcom of the year, perhaps of my life, trust!! todd is a gay man with a sex aversion who decides to try to date women and rory is the brilliant woman he actually falls in love with. sometimes soulmates dont fuck!!! maybe there are no rules to a good relationship besides mutual respect, understanding, and the undeniable desire to Be Together. i rest my case! 

8. drew barrymore and adam sandler  is this valid? again i dont know or care. i grew up on adam sandler movies and drew barrymore makes him better every time. they’ve only done 3 movies together, one of which i have not and will not see (2014 is just too cursed to return to) but even tho these two have never been a couple in real life their chemistry is so palpable that they consider each other the person they will grow old with on screen. if that’s not hollywood romance, i dont know what is! sorry to timothy olyphant but even drew says adam is The One. 

9. stef and lena adams-foster (the fosters) MOM AND MOMMA! listen, abc family shows are insane, but stef and lena make the drama worthwhile. their house full of teens is not perfect or easy, but never have i ever seen lesbian moms at the center of any media, let alone ones who thrive like they do when they communicate, support each other, and lead with love. this is a couple who chooses each other and their babies over and over again. its about putting in the work, having the tough conversations, and making the hard decisions because you care!!!!! 

10.  I DONT KNOW HOW TO END THIS, I LOVE LOVE! michael and alex! marshall and lily! steve and nancy AND jonathan! lizzie mcguire and gordo! rachel and griffin mcelroy! nick and jess! schmidt and cece! fleabag and the priest! amy pond and rory! river song and the doctor! ROSE and the doctor! MY MOM AND DAD!!!! mickey and ian! han and leia! johnny and gheorghe! princess bubblegum and marceline the vampire queen! jackie and kelso! jackie and HYDE! donna and eric! kitty and red! richie and eddie! jake and amy! brittany and santana! tim and tyra! JACK AND ENNIS! dj and steve! uncle jesse and aunt becky! aziraphale and crowley! bob and linda belcher! LARRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

[stranglyy]

Bond ( Mike Wheeler x Reader)

prompt; basically the reader’s dad owns an auto repair shop, and she stole one of the cars to help the party out with El and ends up getting grounded. To apologize, after being ignored on the walkie talkies all day, Mike climbs into her room late at night to fix things.

(plus the party comes to help.)

-

“You’re grounded.”

All at once, emotions you didn’t believe could mix without contradicting fueled in your gut as you laid on your bed with a scowl while writing in your journal, constantly pausing to wipe at your eyes as you refused to let any satisfaction come to whoever bestowed this future upon you.

Grounded. You, A’s and B’s, always behaving in school, never a single detentions, suspension or expulsion, nothing. Grounded, grounded, grounded!

“Ugh! This is so.. unbelievably fair!” You shouted to yourself as you rolled off your bed and sat at your desk, staring at the computer with a glare. Normally you’d be playing mine sweeper or even trying to see how many times you could make the calculator hit a dead end with an error by dividing by zero or spamming the numbers.

Hell you wouldn’t even be locked up in your home/auto-mechanic shot if you hadn’t stolen that car from the shop. You wouldn’t be here if you hadn’t met Will in third grade, and you decinetely wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for-

“[Name]?? [Name], it’s me-“

Mike.

“Mike..” You mumbled bitterely glancing to the Walkie-talkie placed on the shelf above your desk, listening to the static ring now in the channel. Maybe he’d given up-

“[Name]! I know you’re on this channel, I just wanted to check in. Please answer me.”

“Just leave..” You mumbled as though he could hear you, standing and grabbing the talkie before sitting on your bed. You sat and picked at the spine of your notebook, the spiral untangled and poking out easily scraping your arm inbetween classes and even in the class itself.

“[Name] I’m not leaving until you answer.”

You let out a grumble as you continued to listen to his pleading as you fiddled with useless objects, listening to him chant your name over and over. Finally did you pull out the long antenna and press the red button did you speak to the curly haired boy.

“[Name], [Name],[Name]-“

“Mike, shut up. I’m not in the mood for more of your bullshit.”

He interjected before you could even disconnect from the channel.

“[Name], please! I’m worried, you didn’t come to school today, and.. I saw how mad your dad was at you last night and just- I’m sorry.”

“Mike sorry doesn’t remove me from my house. I’m grounded for two weeks because of your- dumb shenanigans with Eleven!”

“They’re not dumb-“

“I dont care what you think they are! I’m done being around just for your convenience, goodbye, Michael.”

And with that you switched to a blank channel and lowered the antenna with a frown. You felt tired, angry, sad. You needed to just let these feelings out. You slammed your head onto the biggest pillow you had and let out a throat-tearing scream as you felt the tears make marks on your pillow. You probably just ruined everything between you and Mike and the party..

“You just insulted the guy you like, idiot..and lost one of your best friends most likely..” You mumbled to yourself rolling onto your side before closing your eyes trying to fall asleep.

-

“Guys.. what do I do?” Mike panicked with two hands pulling through his curly hair as he paced between his friends in his basement with wide eyes.

“Mike, chill! [Name] can’t be that mad at you!” Lucas said brushing the issue off before turning to grab another slice of pizza.

“She called me Michael.” Mike deadpanned with a sad glare as he collapsed onto a bean bag, draping an arm over his eyes.

“It’s hopeless... she’ll never forgive me.”

“Mike.. don’t give up.” A soft voice came from across the room, causing Mike to shoot up and stare at El with as much shock as everyone else in his basement.

“She likes you, alot Mike.. You need to do this in person, not behind a speaker..” Eleven said softly, offering him a small smile.

“El’s right, Mike. Go see your damsel in distress, we’ll cover for you.” Lucas added with a grin, getting a nod of agreement of some form from everyone.

Mile nodded with a small smile and ran up the steps and out the door, his heart sounding in his ears as he ran to his garage and snatched his bike off the ground before pedalling down the street with a determined stare as he saw your house upcoming. You two didn’t live too far but no matter where you were, if you weren’t together, you’d seem like you were never here. You were somewhere miles and miles away, beyond oceans.

With heavy breaths he threw his bike down into your yard and bent down to pick up rocks, collecting them in his pockets, he began throwing them at your window with a wide stare. Eventually he ran out and as he searched around, he stiffened at the bump against his head as he loked to your window to see you peeking out and watching him on your lawn.

“[Name]-!”

“I thought I made myself clear, Michael.” You said with a glare.

“[Name].. I understand, and I’m sorry...I was being a douche and an idiot thinking we’d get off scott free because we made you steal one of your dad’s cars.. I understand why you’re mad, but talking this out in person rather than over a talkie or even avoiding eachother won’t resolve this.. so please let me in? I want to fix this..” He said genuinely, giving you a sweet smile.

“Fine.” You huffed with a hesitant stare of your own appearing before you disappeared and came back throwing out the foldable ladder to Mike, waiting on the edge of your bed for him to climb into your room.

He noticed your conflicted expression and sat beside you, placing a hand on your shoulder calmly, “[Name].. can I say something..?”

“You just did, but go ahead.” You chuckled bitterly.

“[Name], since we met in third grade.. I.. I had the best time in life. You got me into DND and you even inspire me with how couragous and bold you are against people who bother us at school, hell even with the demodogs, you beat their ass! I.. I realized how much you meant to me so long ago, and with all this extra conflict I just wanted to make this easy and sit down and tell you. [Name], you changed my life so much, for the better of course, you make me truly happy.. and I was wondering if you wanted to uhm.. go out with me? Because I like.. you.. a lot.” His face flushed red and you smile before grabbing his hands in your own, staring into his brown eyes as he desperately searched yours for an answer.

With a chuckle you pressed your lips to his forming a small chaste kiss, pulling back to reveal a pink tint of your own. Mike swore his heart was about to come out of his throat and explode just then, but he tried to keep his composure.

“Is that a yes..?”

“Yes, Mike.” You said softly, moving a hand through his curls with calm eyes. He smiled now, his grin growing as soon as you called him Mike again.

“Great! Well I was thinking after you get ungrounded, you could uh maybe.. like uhm.. go to this drive-in theater? It’s down near the school and we could bike there together! Unless we have to drive.. but I promise no cars can be involved if they don’t have to be.. uhm..That could be our first-“

“Date..” you finished with a smile hugging him slowly, him taking no hesitation in holding you as well.

“I’d love to Mike, as long as it’s with you, I’m more than happy to..”

“Then if you’re happy? Maybe I can get a few more kisses?” He offered pulling back with a shit wating grin, getting a laugh from you in return.

“[Name] [MiddleName] [Surname]! Why in the world is there a random bike in our lawn?!” Your father shouted, his booming footsteps echoing in the stairwell.

“ShiT-“

[fairycosmos]

(tw suicide mention) I feel so alienated from everyone in my life im always everyone’s last choice for everything i thought i was getting somewhere with my crush but he started dating my friend and i kinda wanna fucking kill myself i dont know how much longer i can stay alive i feel so lonely ive been feeling this awful for a long time and nothing is getting better at all I already know how I’ll end it i just need to decide when im sorry for venting but idk who else to talk to

hey, hey it’s okay :( i’m so sorry my love. i can’t imagine how hard things must be for you right now. take a breath. words probably seem pointless when you’re feeling so down, but try to believe at least some of what i say. do you think it’s possible, that your depression and your recent negative experiences, are causing you to over generalize, to reject any sense of self worth? like, those are both things that fuck up your perception of reality a lot. but it won’t always stay distorted, it truly won’t always be like this. so by that i mean - you’re not everyone’s last choice. i promise. maybe it feels like that, but the way other people treat you is not a reflection of who you are, not in this context anyway. and it won’t be the case with every person that you come across in your life. where you’re at right now is honestly not where you’ll always be, i can’t stress that enough. i know it hurts. not getting the person you want is awful, losing them to someone else is terrible, and having to hold onto all of this sadness probably seems pretty much impossible. the people that don’t recognize you for the wonderful person that you are, are simply missing out on the entirety of you. it’s their loss, it’s their issue. not yours. but it’s ok to feel that pain. it’s ok to cry it out, to want to give up, to lose it for a little bit. you don’t have to push those emotions away, you can sit with them and process them - it’s not the feeling that matters, it’s how you cope with it my love. it’s the same thing with thoughts. feeling suicidal is obviously a very serious thing to deal with, but there’s a massive difference between having a thought and acting on it. i really believe in your ability to find and to hold on to that distinction. you don’t have to act on your urges. you don’t have to hurt yourself on the outside to show that you’re hurting on the inside. you can communicate, you can get it all out in so many others ways. robbing yourself of a chance and of a future is not going to solve anything. your brain is deliberately trying to make you feel trapped so that you’re easier to control. it’s a delusion, and you don’t have to trust it. you can create a safe environment for yourself. you can. look at the situation, and feel the anger and the pain, but don’t make any permanent, irreversible choices based on what you’re going through at the moment. please. 

the thing is, you have so many options, even if your mind is not allowing you to see them at the moment. please please please, if you believe me about anything, believe me about this. it’s alright to reach out to people and to let them know what’s going on in your head. the way out is not by ending things, it’s by going through them. and the first step to that is just talking. i know it’s scary. it’s fine to be afraid. but don’t let that stop you from doing what’s best for yourself. make a list of priorities in your head, and put your mental health at the top of it, okay? even if you have to absolutely force yourself to care. even if you don’t want to, even if your head is screaming at you not to. it’s time to take back a bit of control. you can start by talking to a friend or family member - fight past the feeling of alienation. isolating yourself will only make you feel more disconnected. it’s up to you to put a stop to that cycle. if family and friends aren’t an option, there are many hotlines you can call that will give you a bit of guidance and advice. if you’re in school, you can always talk to the counselor a teacher. if you’re not, set up an appointment with your usual doctor and see if he/she can refer you. if you don’t want to do that, look into resources in your community such as local support groups. there will be something. you just have to seek it out. you have to make it an active part of your life, in order to get the ball rolling. if we look at depression/suicidal thoughts as an illness - a serious mental disorder - then doesn’t it make sense for professional help to be the next step, rather than hurting yourself? your mental health is JUST as important as your physical health, and it should be treated with the same level of seriousness. if you had cancer, would you deny yourself treatment and just expect things to feel better? of course not, right? this is just as urgent. you deserve help. you deserve to find some peace of mind. and a professional can really enable you to do that. like i said before, your perception and mindset is pretty much guaranteed to change - you won’t always see things the way you do right now. but you can help it all to change quicker by engaging. someone like a therapist or a counselor can literally show you how to cope when these feelings arise. they can allow you to discover what caused these thoughts in the first place, they can uproot that issue and help you come to terms with it. they may also be able to refer you to a psychiatrist, who could (depending on your situation) give you some meds to even out your brain chemistry, to help you see things clearly again. letting people know can honestly help you breathe again, as stupid as that sounds. i’m not saying that talking will solve everything. i’m not saying there won’t be times when you feel like saying fuck it. i’m saying that if you look at this from an objective standpoint, if you take today and try your best with it, then you’ll see clearly what it is that you need to do. put yourself first. self hatred is a trap. you’re more than that.

i’m under no illusions. everything is so much easier said than done. but i’m not saying all of this for nothing. i fucking believe in you so so much. you know how many stories i’ve heard, of people who have been exactly where you are, but they stuck around and then eventually they were so grateful that they did? it happens all the time. look, it’s very very easy to become disillusioned with life. and i get that. cause the world is a fucking difficult place to live in. especially if you’re mentally ill. but this is the only life you’re ever going to have, man. even if you don’t want it at the minute, it’s here and it’s happening. and it’s the rarest thing in the universe. don’t throw it away because of a moment in your existence. you’re so much more than you think you are. your presence on this planet is significant, and it has made a difference, and nothing would be the same without you here. i mean it. every time you feel worthless, you have to force yourself to acknowledge the inherent worth that you were born with. as soon as you got here, you mattered. and that fact won’t go away just cause you can’t see it, so listen. i’m not saying you can’t be sad. i’m not saying there’s a simple solution. i’m saying that trying is more than good enough. i understand that putting in any sort of effort is the last thing you want to do when you’re feeling so shitty. but it’s the one thing you have to demand of yourself. it doesn’t have to be anything big - it can be letting yourself sob, being honest with yourself, getting out of bed, and hopefully (eventually) asking for the help that you need. when the bad thoughts occur, acknowledge them, process them, but never for a second trick yourself into thinking they’re actually an option, okay? because they’re not, not when there’s so much left for you here, not when there’s so many others way to deal with this. please just stick around. your future self is going to thank you for it more than you can even begin to understand. i’m sending you so much love. i’m rooting for you with all of my fuckin heart. and if you ever need a friend, please just message me. don’t hurt yourself, just talk to me. we’ll figure it out together.

numbers you can call:

http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines

[black-out-wonder]

Still Alive (Virgil Sanders Human!AU One-Shot)

Warnings: Talk of suicide, suicidal thoughts, feelings of worthlessness, mentions of depression and anxiety, mentions of an arugument, self-deprecation

This is basically a vent fic because I had to use the StillAlive.org crisis line the other day because it was really bad for me. It helped me and if you are in a moment of crisis, and you A. Have no one to talk to or B. Can’t or wont talk on the phone for any reason, use this chatline. Stay safe <3

Virgil’s finger froze as he stared blankly at the “Click here to chat” button on the screen. What the hell am I doing? He wondered. The browser page, Still Alive, glared at him through the darkness of his room. The webpage itself was calm and welcoming, telling him to click the button to talk to a volunteer. He found this website through his friend-or ex friend-Logan. He had described it, saying that it was meant for people who couldn’t or wouldn’t talk to people on the phone. It was meant for people who were considering suicide.

Well, you could say that he was having second thoughts about waking up the next morning.

Swallowing the lump in his throat, he clicked the button, wincing at the noise of the mouse. A screen loaded, asking him to put in information. He didn’t want to put in all of this information. He didn’t want some random person to know exactly who he was. He was about to click away, giving into his urges when he noticed the “anonymous” checkbox. He released the breath he didn’t even know he was holding.

There were still some questions he needed to answer, but nothing as bad as the first option. Just asking his gender, age, who he lived with, how he found the website, etc. He hesitated before entering the information. If he put all of this in and actually connected, there would be no turning back. Before he could change his mind, he entered the chat.

A message popped up as he was brought to the chat page. They were connecting him to a volunteer. His heart began to race as a few moments passed. What if he wouldn’t get connected? What if the Wifi went out for some reason? Too many what ifs. His eyes trailed over to his dresser, where a bottle of medication sat. His sleep medication. It would be so easy…just like falling asleep…

Suddenly, a soft beep brought him out of his thoughts. “Your volunteer as entered the chat” is said now. In the corner of the screen, it said: “Alex typing” in very small letters. His heart pounded against his chest, his hands growing sweaty and shaky. What would this person say? Was this a real person? What would they say?

Alex: Hello. May I ask for your name?

It was such a simple question, one that shouldn’t have been a problem to answer. The problem was his name. Not many people had it. What if this person knew him? With shaky fingers, he typed out a reply.

Anonymous8902: you can call me V.

Alex typing…

Alex: Okay V. What brings you to Still Alive?

Another question that held way too much weight. What did bring him there exactly? Logan had explained it as a place to talk if you had nowhere else to go. He wasn’t sure if he had mentioned it because he knew Virgil was at risk. He knew that his friends-or past friends-had to suspect something, but they never knew the real extent of it.

Anonymous8902: im not really sure…i was told that this was for people who wanted to die.

The volunteer replied back very quickly.

Alex: V, have you thought about committing suicide?

His first instinct was to lie. He lied to everyone about what he wanted. He would say he was okay, even when he wasn’t. But this was different. He slowly typed his reply.

Anonymous8902: yeah

Alex typing…

Alex: Have you made a plan?

Anonymous8902: not yet. not set in stone.

He nearly had a heart attack when he sent that. Why did he send that? They were going to send the police and he couldn’t let that happen! They would send him to the hospital and ask him too many invading questions. He would have to tell them things, or he would have to lie, which made him even more anxious.

Alex typing…

Alex: So, you do not have a plan at the present time?

Anonymous8902: no

Alex: That’s good. If you would like, we can continue to chat. Your safety is most important.

Anonymous8902: its really not

Alex: It seems you feel like you don’t deserve to be safe.

It was heavy talk time, and Virgil knew it. He didn’t want to spill his heart to some stranger, but at the same time, he did. He wanted to tell this person everything wrong with him. He just wanted to get out of the haze of despair and anxiety that seemed to fill his being.

Anonymous8902: i dont deserve to feel safe. i dont even deserve to live. all i do is hurt people.

The honesty in his statement shocked him. He had never told anyone that before, not even his fr-ex friends.

Alex typing…

Alex: It seems like you feel like you don’t deserve life because you don’t offer anything but pain.

Anonymous8902: i feel that way because its true. everyone says it, so it must be

Alex: You seem to believe what others say about you more than what you think of yourself.

Virgil clenched his jaw at the message. Why did this person have to be so accurate? It would be better if this person wasn’t so spot on about everything.

Anonymous8902: yeah, sounds like me

Alex typing…

Alex: V, was there something that triggered your crisis?

He froze once more. There was a trigger, but it was his fault in the first place. If he would only get over himself, it wouldn’t have happened in the first place. All of his stupid negativity and emptiness and…just everything.

Anonymous8902: yeah. i was diagnosed with depression and anxiety a while ago, but i never told my friends. it was a rough day for me, but i was supposed to do something with them. i couldnt even bring myself to call them. it was really important and i skipped it. one of them called me and said that i was a horrible friend.

Alex typing…

Alex: You seem to be blaming yourself for a situation that was completely out of your control.

Anonymous8902: but it was in my control. i couldve told them about it or called and made up a valid excuse! i left them hanging and they were really hurt. this wasnt the first time either

Alex: V, I want you to know that it’s okay to ask for help and having a rough day because of your mental illness is a valid reason. Have you considered telling them about your condition?

Of course, he did. He thought about it every day when he talked to them. Then Roman would flash him a carefree grin, throwing a playful insult his way, or Patton would give him one of his warm hugs, or Logan would overshare on a subject that fascinated him, and he always threw away the idea. Things wouldn’t be the same. They would definitely treat him different like he was delicate.

Anonymous8902: yeah i have, but i dont want things to change

Alex typing…

Alex: What would change?

Anonymous8902: everything. they would see me differently. they liked me for who i am now, why would i want to change that?

Alex: Do you fear that they would turn away from you if they saw your troubles?

He nodded to himself before replying once more.

Anonymous8902: why wouldnt they?

Alex typing…

Alex: There is nothing wrong with letting someone in and talking to them. I know it must hurt to have loved ones turn away. They may be confused by the space between you guys and they are lashing out.

That did make a lot of sense. It was definitely in Roman’s character to lash out when he was confused about something. Why was this person so good at talking to him?

Anonymous8902: but how to i connect with them? i dont even know where to start

Alex typing…

Alex: You could try telling them about your condition and why you weren’t able to go where you needed to. If they are your friends, they will understand. Change is not necessarily a bad thing. It is a natural thing that allows you to grow as a person. Yes, it may seem scary now, but you will be able to look back and be glad that you took the first step.

Virgil could feel tears welling up in his eyes. He hated that this person was so spot on.

Anonymous8902: youre right…i need to tell them…thank you

Alex typing: How are you feeling now?

How was he feeling? He wasn’t feeling great still, but he didn’t seem to be at rock bottom either. He was…drifting.

Anonymous8902: better. a lot better

Alex typing…

Alex: When you disconnect from this chat, what do you plan to do?

Anonymous8902: talk to my friends. im better now. thanks again. im going to go

Alex: I’m glad you’re feeling better. Goodbye!

Anonymous8902: bye

As he exited the browser page, he let out a shuddering breath. He stared at his desktop background for a few moments, soaking in everything. He just told a random stranger his fears and insecurities, and it actually helped. He knew now what he had to do.

           He leaned over to grab his phone, dialing the first number that came to mind. He held it to his ear, praying that he would answer. That he would allow him to speak. When he does answer the phone, Virgil closes his eyes.

           “Hey, Roman. I am really sorry for not making it today. I really need to tell you something…”

[kosmicdream]

Hi I’m Kosmic. I draw webcomics and my webcomics are really long sprawling huge cast ones that will go on for years and they’re non linear and all this stuff that makes ppls heads spin when they try to explain wtf they’re about. I ask myself this question a lot: How the fuck do I maintain this motivation for continuing projects that are honestly, probably bigger than i can possibly feasibly create??? How do i avoid swallowed up by anxiety of my own creations???? is that energy going to run out at any time? should i be worried?? Well! For some reason I... don’t? like i get winded sometimes but in the end, I actually quite like what i do and I don’t care that it takes literally years to make my stories. but when I step back and look at it objectively it does make me scratch my head and wonder how i came to be in this situation. So, sometimes i  try and write a few things that help me with understanding my own process, for whatever reason. Or at least I’ll TRY to articulate some of the things i seem to tell myself again and again that help me feel very comfortable with my writing/creating process. So if you want an insight into tips that i give myself.. this is that! 

TIP #1 - Everything you Plan will take longer than you planned, but you can make it easier by unexpectedly including information you might have otherwise withheld.

Secrets are cool in your stories. I have so many of them, but I also understand that they’re much more fun to share than to always keep locked up and out of knowledge. I often overshare to the point where ‘info dumping’ happens which is often considered an unattractive quality in comics. But IDM it so much because my comics just need to be drawn and you can’t glorify and hold every flaw over your shoulders when in the end its not going to be that big of a deal. I think its better to give out more information than finding reasons to bend around a story to avoid revealing things. I feel it might even be more obvious if you attempt to do that.

Also, I feel that everything planned in a story can happen quite quickly, and feel much shorter than actually drawing it. Even with the experience ive gained, i still am surprised just by how much i must throw out to make my long scenes shorter and snappier. even then, they are still really long scenes. I don’t mind doing this, I like to make my stories this way- but ive also designed my comic to serve this pace by making my pages less intensive physically to make. I’m not going to go in depth about this as ive already discussed this many times before, but I do think its important to understand that generally, a commitment to a comic is going to be bigger and longer than it appears in your mind or even on paper as a script or thumbnails.

(my comic eggshells, for example, was originally going to be 340ish pages long. but back then, my pacing was much different-- and my pages were generally twice as wide with around 15 panels per page..sometimes more. but i would over-render and make them hard to read, and now i draw very few panels per page and my comics are much ‘longer’ in page count.)

TIP #2

-Accept that your ideas are bigger than what you can draw and enjoy the private context and history of your work without feeling like its less accomplished for not being all out there. Validate yourself but also understand that your readers are not going to understand the depth from your perspective and they will be engaging with the view they’ve been exposed to.

This is kind of a complicated one but I think that its both humbling to accept your work as this multi layered experiences of contradicting perspectives.. theres the planning and your engagement with the goals, the work of translating your creation to others and the vulnerable exposure of these ideas to the audience. As the creator, you get to see things in a very unique way that no one else can but... the one feeling you will never get to see is the audience who has no idea what will happen next. You can anticipate it, but in the end its so vast and unpredictable that it will be impossible to judge what they ALL will FEEL and sometimes? their perceptions can alter your own enjoyment of your work. I guarantee it will change it in SOME way.. that’s part of the sacrifice.

TIP #3

-Allowing change, flexibility and growth into your series- and letting go of control over all facets of it.

As time goes on things just change. Its hard to accommodate or prepare for that kind of investment in your work when you feel like you havent even gotten through the starting gates of your story. Comics are particularly difficult for that because once you draw a thing, it takes time to edit and you cant really undo and go back. Each panel informs and builds on the next. You have to use what’s there and figure out how it can be a structure for the future.

Accepting the past that has helped create the situation and platform of your comic in the present, which will lead into the future. Personally, i’m not a fan of retconing* certain decisions that have been already made into the canon-- however, i think if a new conclusion or idea is discovered in the process of writing and it works to include because it creates a new and alive energy in the work that will help push it to the next stage.. i think that’s very helpful and useful for sustaining the growth and motivation in a story. Making choices like this can be tricky, however, but even small ones can give a lot of natural growth and flexibility in the comic. The problem can often come with letting go of that unseen, unrealized version we had intended. I know for myself, i can get very nostalgically attached to old ideas but-- if i think of something better that works or makes more sense, I’m always thankful to let go and let my stories grow into a better thing. I try to remember where it came from, however. Because that helps inform me where to go.

(*generally my definition for this is altering events of the past, certain core plans of the comic, character motivations, or facts that are connected to the worldbuilding. im kind of a hoarder so once its in the story aka on a specific page-- its not going anywhere. until then things can be up in the air. for example, the characters knife and spoon were not originally intended to be mutually in love and it was more of a one sided idol worship, but as i fleshed their characters out i realized that it was mutual and it changed and altered the story because of that. now it cannot/will not be “undone” for whatever reason bc this is.. an established fact in the story. but at one point, it was not! i hope that makes sense.)

SO TO SUMMARIZE... plans will always be “”bigger”” in the ever expansive space of your mind so also dont be afraid to get to the point sometimes even if it feels a little, like. less exciting than you thought? accept your story is going to be different for YOU vrs your audience and make peace with that disconnect even tho its disorienting + upsetting sometimes & accommodate the ~natural personal and artistic growth~ you will experience and let go of things that might be holding you or your work back from improving with you. but also dont try to cut out too much of the past because.. it is what helped you get to where you are right now? focus on the present & allow growth for the future, dont try to alter the past and pretend it didnt happen. bc that will be confusing as fuck for everyone involved and also probably hurt the story more than help it. esp if its a long one. ur building a tower dont pull out too many foundational blocks and try to make it too much of something else unless its growing there on its own.. u kno? 

When I try to write these tips these are just things I find myself doing in a cycle as i create that seem to keep re igniting my passion for my story again and again. It makes me curious because it also is a very instinctual thing so I thought I might try and write it out!!!!!!!!!! ENJOY.

ALSO some bonus thoughts!!!!!!!!!! I will say that I’ve never completed a long format comic series, so take it w/ a grain of salt imo. HOWEVER...I probably will, eventually. Even if I don’t, I do enjoy writing really big ones and I feel very happy with the work i do on them! and still feel no inclination to move onto other things. Or even when I work on other things, I don’t have a feeling of dropping a story entirely. (for example, i still intend to work on my older series eggshells and don’t really feel a desire to ‘quit’ that story even when i have matured as an author/artist since starting it.)

When I read really long comic series I wonder a lot of internal decisions that happen out of sight, since the timeline of a comic that you read is so much different than the timeline it takes actually creating the thing. its so easy to write/plan/form ideas for lifetimes of work that will never be realized, so what is it that we actually get in the pages? What aspects of this author are we actually seeing? how much have they grown since beginning and what about the story we will never know? I know I’ll never know, because, I am only the reader! And as the creator, I will never know what the feeling of my work as the reader. or the cool and interesting things they predict will happen based on their perseptions, which are so different from mine. Yet!! we are all engaged in the same story unfolding, never fully discovering what its like on the other side but only getting little glimpses and thats fascinating how a story is almost this vast illusion of experiences maintained by so many different minds. 

Long format comics captivate me because they are just, really time consuming to make and the pacing of them are so different and less consumable than other stories. They like become.. this place you live in! Why are they my favorite to enjoy even when its natural that, when a story becomes longer, its going to end up attracting more & more issues? Why do i Not care about resolutions to long stories sometimes bc my expectations for them are different?? (also lets face it, experience writing long stories is going to be different than writing short ones because it takes time to write longer things & we are not going to have as much experienc having more than one completed super long multi-act-multi-characterplot story vrs a bunch of smaller ones. it doesnt mean its EASIER to write shorter ones, if anything id argue its probably much harder to write good short things + isolate a story down to that focused vision than making tons of long ones that avoid endings) but..yet!! here i am...

why am i constantly drawn to trying to understand long format stories when I probably could improve faster by writing shorter things??! i dont really know! but i follow my heart and my heart likes to do things this way......

anyway, this entire post is mostly inspired by the fact that many of my favorite stories started before i was even born or have been going on for decades and i wonder if we’ll ever read the endings to many of them.... would it.. matter? they’ve already inspired me so much even without a resolution because i can imagine my own endings to things.. but in the end that is not what happened in the actual story. it was only in my mind.. and yet it never happened, and was an illusion unknown to anyone but myself.....and sometimes my favorite stories are my favorites because of the things i imagined them to be, rather than what they actually were or how they actually turned out.. i dont know how this happens..... but i wonder about what this means with my OWN comics, and how my perceptions of what they could be vrs what they are is like, this weird illusion that also exists only in my mind and no one else can see it. yet we are both looking at the same thing. and i want to know what others see and i never will get to??? ....stories are......... so fucking spooky!!!!!!!!!! AHHH!! ok thats all. thx for reading

[hillarykylie]

I’m honestly goddamn tired from people trying to generate presumptuous statements and incorrect/fallacious opinions about me especially with regards to my situation and what I’m going through at the moment.

I’m pretty sure it’s not that hard to just listen for a sec. Even illiterates do a better job at actively listening to someone than some seemingly educated people I know, who seem to spew nonsense at every opportunity they get. This is probably the most predominant reason why I’ve stopped confiding at length into people around me, because it’s absolutely pointless in doing so and it would only do me more harm than good.

Obviously I’m not expecting people to become professional clinical Psychologists, but surely listening and understanding is an ubiquitous element of our everyday life? I’m not asking you to “HEAL” me, all I’m asking for is an empathetic response and a listening ear.

If you’re somewhat close to me, you’d know my Eating Disorder has spiralled out of control recently, especially after returning back from Singapore. I had to deal with my January exams and coursework on top of everything else so I was functioning on high levels of stress and anxiety.

Unlike the bulk of people I know who devour all kinds of food when they’re stressed, mine’s quite the contrary. Negative emotions only propel me to starve (although my starving really isn’t deliberate) - My appetite dissipates and eating becomes almost a chore to me.

This doesn’t mean that I DONT eat at all, because I’d literally die. I’ve been trying my best to feed myself regardless - despite forgetting to eat all the time/feeling dreadful when I have to eat. But for the most part, eating just stirs a whirl of unhappy emotions within me. Not only does it makes me feel physically bloated, full and just disgusting, it makes me feel as though I’ve lost all my sense of control.

Not eating has become a method of assertion of reigning control of my life. I’ve always felt that my life has been incredibly chaotic and tumultuous, especially with College/Uni, and since a lot of extenuating circumstances are out of my realm of control, eating has become the only aspect of life that I can actually have some sense of power or control over, and regain a level of stability.

The buzz I derive from not eating feels unusually good *my ED people will relate to this* and that feeling of autonomy and control simply reinforces and perpetuates this destructive cycle.

Not eating also makes me feel calm and composed, and helps allievate my intensifying emotions. It just alludes a sense of mental peace for me, and numbs my feelings so I wouldn’t have to constantly *feel* so much because it’s exhausting.

A huge part of my relapse is predicated on my deplorable current mental state and my whole transition to Uni, which’s been something I haven’t been able to completely process and heal from.

I don’t feel as though people understand, or even have the capacity to understand how my whole Uni situation has contributed significantly to my spiral, and the monumental and carthatic impact it has on my mental health.

As my psych has emphasised, I’ve left some emotions under-addressed for far too long that it’s starting to rear it’s ugly head and manifest into an ED.

I haven’t truly been able to get over or recover from the fact that I was robbed of my dreams and my life not unfolding the way it was supposed to be.

I never wanted to come to Bristol. Don’t get me wrong though - it’s an equally elite and prestigious University and I’m blessed to be studying something I’m truly passionate about and have a flair for, but it wasn’t where I intended to be.

I’d cast my sights on the US even before I’d turned 13, and have always aspired to get my degree done in the States. Having already spent 3 years in the UK doing my GCSEs and A Levels, I decided I’d pursue my long-time ambition of getting my degree done in the US. (Most of my friends and peers were also planning on leaving the UK for Uni)

I had the grades, achieved A*A*AA and topped my cohort, and got into several prestigious Universities but due to unfavourable familial circumstances, I had to come back to the UK in the end, which annihilated and shattered me for months.

I felt as though I was a living failure and there was no point in living. But perhaps the most aggravating part was knowing that I had the grades and met all my criteria, but it was my family holding me back. I felt like I had no control over my future and my educational trajectory, which meant so much to me. I’ve always been a perfectionist and being able to reach my dreams was crucial and fundamental to my happiness.

I tried to move on from it, but I realised what I’d been doing was simply sweeping my emotions under a rug. I attempted to convey my feelings to people, but empathetic responses were far and few and I felt even more maligned and misunderstood than I was understood.

I tried to convince myself that coming to Bristol wasn’t exactly a bad thing, and although it truly and objectively isn’t, a part of me still harbours immense frustration and resentment from the fact that I was coerced into coming here. The more I tried to mask my anger and unhappiness, the more it came back to haunt and destroy me, and the more these feelings accumulated.

Not working hard enough to achieve your dreams is one thing, but working hard enough and getting a successful outcome yet not being able to achieve your dreams is a whole other matter altogether.

Most importantly, I haven’t been having a great time in Uni either. My academics are undoubtedly going well but I feel deeply disconnected here. It’s my first time dealing with such an uncomfortable situation considering I’ve been studying abroad since 15 and have never had any problem nor the slightest bit of difficulty in finding a community or building genuine friendships.

All along I’ve been able to make great friends, especially during my time in boarding school. I’m also inherently extroverted and gregarious, so me asserting that I feel a disconnect from everyone around me should be taken more seriously and not with a pinch of salt.

It’s easy to build superficial friendships in Uni here, but it’s a whole other ballgame when it comes to forging something substantial and genuine. Fortunately - I’m not the only one who feels this way, and it’s reassuring to know that others resonate with how I feel, instead of shrugging it off and invalidating my thoughts like others who *shall not be named*. There’s no sense of real solidarity here and it’s something I’ve never had to deal with throughout my school years.

I’m by no means shy or quiet (unless I’m in a disturbing situation ofc). Ask anyone who knows me for more than 4 years and they’d tell you how *raw* social interactions is what I need and thrive on. I hate how people have been projecting the blame on me as though I’m a hermit who hasn’t made any effort, instead of actually listening to what I ought to say. YES I’ve got friends - but really, they’re just “FRIENDS”, not people whom I fw on an emotional, intellectual or mental basis or have non-shallow conversations with.

And if you look a little closer of my life history, you’d know it’s unlike of me to feel alienated. I’m always with a group of people, a tight-knit clique.

It’s just not where I want to be and no matter how much I tried to suppress how I felt, I was still as devastated and inconsolable.

I’m not a particularly huge fan of Uni culture in the UK and I instinctively knew that coming here wouldn’t be a great idea. I’d even expressed my concerns to my family and what not that my mental health would regress if I were to return to the UK - but these concerns were neither heard nor addressed. Everyone’d turned a deaf ear upon me and now that everything I’ve forewarned months ago is occurring to me, I feel tenfold angrier and frustrated.

At the end of the day, I know myself intrinsically well enough to know where I’d thrive in and where I’d struggle.

[my-nameless-bliss]

hey nykeigh, im 22 and i feel so disconnected from life. all i do is work(a shitty retail job) and not much else. i dont have friends and not much family. i'm so lonely and feel like im never going to find my passion in life. when i was younger and thought about what my early 20's would be like, it wasn't this. i hate comparing myself to people my age but it seems like everyone else is loving life and im just existing

Hi, anon. I’m so sorry you’re struggling with this. I know pretty much everything about our society makes it seem like your twenties are supposed to be this awesome, happy, wild time where you have your whole life figured out. Our twenties are built up to be this free, fulfilling decade where we live life to the fullest before settling down for our thirties. Our twenties are shown to be when we get it all figured out.

But I can *guarantee* you: That is all complete bullshit.

Your twenties aren’t when you’re supposed to have it all figured out. Particularly your early twenties. You are literally just starting out your adult life. You were a child like, two years ago, so of course you aren’t supposed to have your entire life figured out already! If you follow the ‘usual’ timeline society presents, part of your twenties is spent still in college. There’s no goddamn way you’re gonna leave school and *immediately* know what the hell Life is supposed to be. It doesn’t happen. No one in their twenties knows what the fuck they’re doing. Your twenties aren’t about having your shit figured out. I know people will try to tell you that, but those people are WRONG. Your brain doesn’t even finish developing until halfway through your twenties, how could you be expected to suddenly be an Adult when your brain is still maturing and changing? It’s not possible.

At every other point in your development, you’re allowed to take time to figure things out. Babies need to learn how to walk. Kids need to learn how to be students and accept structure. Teenagers need to learn how to prepare for adult life. But for some reason, once you actually *get* to adult life, you’re expected to immediately have it all down. In your early twenties, you are learning how to be an adult. Working is either new or different. Friendships are different, both finding them and maintaining them. Moving out of your parents’ house is different, if that’s something you do. You can’t automatically know how to deal with all of these changes. It’s impossible. You need time to learn. You are *allowed* to feel lost, and not know what you’re doing, and figure things out at your own pace. You’re only 22. You have so much time to figure out your life, I promise. I’m only a couple of years older than you, and the amount I’ve learned and changed in those two years is unbelievable. I’m a completely different person at 24 than I was at 22. That’s how it’s supposed to be. You’re still growing. Let yourself grow.

As far as your passion in life, I know this may sound pessimistic, but seriously, the idea of having one Passion or Purpose in life is like… a myth. Yeah, some people find it, and go through life feeling completely fulfilled, but I think the overwhelming majority of people never experience that. And that’s okay! You don’t need one specific passion to get through life. Hell, I think *not* having a passion in life is more freeing, personally. Because then you can discover more things, and find smaller motivations. Don’t worry about finding that One Thing that makes your life worthwhile. Try to enjoy the little, tiny details that make life enjoyable. It doesn’t matter how small or unimportant it seems. Anything that makes you happy makes your life worthwhile. It could be a hobby, or a piece of media, or a particular flavor of ice cream. Those are the easy, attainable ‘purposes’ of life. Things that make you happy. That’s what matters.

It may seem like everyone around you has everything figured out, and they’ve found some sort of purpose, and that they’re madly in love with being alive. But the hard reality is that it’s probably not true. You are not the only person who feels lost, and like you’re just existing from day to day. That is an incredibly common feeling, particularly when your life is just starting. I’m in my mid-twenties, and the majority of my close friends are in their late twenties or early thirties. So I can tell you with certainty: NONE of us know what the fuck we’re doing!!! I have friends who are married and have houses and careers and are unbelievably happy, and guess what? They still have problems. They still feel lost and struggle and feel like helpless kids at times. You figure out life piece by piece. It’s not something you learn quickly, and it’s not a permanent change.

I know how difficult it is to feel like you’re behind in life, and like there’s no point. But please try to remember that this is a perfectly normal part of adjusting to adult life, and it’s something I think most (if not all) people have struggled with at some point. I know your twenties have been built up as an important time, but you are still so young, and you have so much time. You’ll find new interests and passions (even if they’re on the small scale and not the grand), you’ll meet new people and make new friends. Your twenties are a time of learning and change and adjustments, but that means there’s also so much possibility. Every year of my twenties has left me absolutely stunned to look back at where I was the year before. Try to accept where you are now, and realize that it’s normal. You haven’t failed or fallen behind. There are an infinite number of people who understand exactly how you’re feeling. Please try to take that pressure off of yourself, and let yourself enjoy whatever’s enjoyable about your life today - regardless of how unimportant it may seem. Your life is going to change so much, so be kind to yourself, and let yourself learn. 💜✨💜