@killerhubby asked : " don't move yet . " @ katarina
( he's a monster . he deserves none of it , none of it all ; you've read his file like holy bible over and OVER until you could recite every single sin he's committed like it's the next thing you're to be tested on , you've seen it , you've seen it all and yet ... you ache . you ache , your body reeks of his stench and his INEFFABLE solitude and grief he still has a vice grip on . you ache , you ache , and you grieve , and you're not sure why . no one GRIEVES for monsters , you shouldn't make yourself the first . you shouldn't , you know you shouldn't , he's nothing MORE than the trail of blood that follows him , you know , you know , you know ---
--- and even still , you ache . even now . YOU'RE A FOOL : to humanize such a beast as he is , but your throat closes up on itself , chest tightens at the inevitibility you always bring about . he's in pain . he always is , though when teased about it in the past , you didn't mean it . you didn't . joked and teased about how some pink haired escort would be no less HARBRINGER of death --- that someone like you could do anything to lay a FINGER on him . you laughed , and joked , and teased with the very same GUN strapped to your thigh that day that you do today , like you were not the reason he's always in danger these days . like you are not the reason he has a BRIGHT PINK target on his back courtesy of the AGENCY .
how do you live ? you're not sure . to claim you care about fragile vase of man glued together with golden flakes OVER and over while still holding the BARREL of agency to his temple . never been one for LIARS , the thought only to bring a certain kind of disgust that wraps itself around your ESOPHAGUS leaving you nothing but the scared little girl that had just barely gotten away again . is that all you're good for ?
to run ? he tried to make you human , again , you know . and he almost succeeded . the pain and aches that run through your body at the sight of his BODY is proof enough , but it always fails , it always does , because you are a girl raised by hatred , so when you feel anything more than , you run . you run , because you are scared . just this time , you're scared for him too . ) presses a cool hand to his forehead : no stranger to the dull beeping of the heart monitor that keeps katarina an eerie kind of calm . he's ALIVE . he's alive . ( never thought you'd thank the gods for saving a monster , and yet you will find yourself praying for him once again tonight . )
" hi angel , hi angel , " she whispers quietly , as if afraid if she SPEAKS too loudly he'll start bleeding from whatever new stitches he had earned earlier that night , gentle hand running through his hair , and katarina tries , she does , but she's no stranger to failure , eyes stinging with tears she so desparately tried to fight off , " you're safe . i have you , you're okay , " but voice cracks with tears , and he speaks , he SPEAKS , relief floods through her body , he's alive , he's ALIVE , and he's asking her , voice so small , so far away , she swears he almost sounds like a scared little kid .
( and so you fall back into this game you're destined to play : you lie , and you pray , and you lie and hope that if you tell them to him enough , you'll start to believe it yourself . ) " i'm here , pretty boy , " but her voice cracks even as she tries to tease him through tear stained voice , " i'm not going anywhere , " katarina says ever so GENTLY , like a holy prayer reserved just for HIM , pressing kiss to forehead , his CHEEK , whispering sweet nothings until he drifts off to sleep from the pain or MORPHINE drip --- and even after he PASSES out , she still pushes the hair ever so lightly out of his face , eyes watering with tears that still haven't spilled .
( he may be a monster , but he stayed . he STAYED . he stayed when no one else did . and you're leaving when no one else will stay . so who's the monster , katarina , who's the monster ? ) katarina waits for the FAMILIAR sighs of sleep escaping the other : something she used to relish in but sounds more like death toll for herself now , as she pries herself away from his FORM . fiddles with her hands , pressing in and out of the familiar crescent scarred skin on her palms that many years of acrylics and TIGHT FISTS of uncontrolled anger has left her . facial features contort into pain as she bites back a SOB , looking at his sleeping body . sharp inhale , as she tries to BLINK back more tears , but they fall freely and she lets them , instead to pull away from him and UNDO clasp of worn necklace from the back of her neck . it's a cross . not very flashy , not very pretty , but never taken off until today .
( if you are to pray , you are to pray for him . it is the least you could DO . ) secures it in the OTHER'S hand , curls his FINGERS around the piece of jewelry , small hands TREMBLING as she picks up his limp hand and presses a KISS to his knuckles but still finds herself BITING back a sob as she grips his hand . relishes in the FEELING , knowing that she's turning back on man she made home for something akin to his and her own safety , but even now , especially now , she aches . " i'm sorry , i'm sorry , my angel , i'm sorry , i'm sorry , " katarina whispers into his HAND , before finally letting his hand sit gently on the hospital bed .
she waits . waits for some kind of storybook ending : for him to wake up and ASK her to stay . demand she stays ; but a glance is tossed over the agent's shoulders . he's just as asleep as he was before , save for a small snore that might escape his LIPS . ( but this is how it always goes . you always leave . you just prayed he'd be the exception , but he's nothing more but proof of the rule . ) somber smile , scrubs her tears away , and slips out of the patient's room .
( it is the rule that you leave : because you are katarina , and he is mirage . oil and water . never meant to mix . )
𝙨𝙤𝙢𝙚 𝙞𝙣𝙗𝙤𝙭 𝙢𝙚𝙢𝙚 𝙞 𝙘𝙖𝙣𝙩 𝙛𝙞𝙣𝙙 . 𝙖𝙡𝙬𝙖𝙮𝙨 𝙖𝙘𝙘𝙚𝙥𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙜 !!
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