#i dont want people to have to scroll down 85 pages before getting to what they want

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

Over here fighting for my life in the Google Doc. The table of contents is escaping me. I can't do this.

[localspirit]

Ah I’m interested in all! I assume beginning to look into spirituality will help me in the future when it comes to spirits and such! I have communicated with a ghost/ghosts before so I think I’m naturally a little more ‘open’ to spirits than the average person but I don’t really know how this works.

under the cut bc its so long!

wow thats AWESOME!!! ive been interested in spirits, spirituality, some aspects of religion like djinn for as long as i can remember but wasnt able to communicate with spirits until recently.

pendulums do you own a pendulum? it doesnt have to be anything fancy, mine ended up being a fake crystal i got from a friend that was on a necklace. out of boredom and slight curiosity i asked a yes/no question and it just started swinging with the right answer... it was really freaky!! some people believe pendulums are a scam, some think that its your arm unconsciously moving with the right answer, some think that its you tapping into your third eye clairvoyance, and some think its an angel communicating thru it. mine ended up being an angel! it took a very long time bc i had to go thru the alphabet but my pendulum uses he/him prns and his name is azhu. he says hes not a guardian angel or an angel sent by a higher power. pendulums have their own way on saying yes/no, so if you ever do get one, make sure you know what its swinging means! azhu goes left/right for no, up/down for yes, and in circles or unsure. he's predicted things like my (unpredictable, unstable) health and what college i'll end up going to, and when. pendulums can also 100% be used to communicate with spirits and djinn- that's my main form of communication!

spirits with spirits i kinda jumped into it rlly fast. remember that phase in 2016 where people on yt were like 'i bought a HAUNTED DOLL from EBAY... SCARY 3AM OUIJA'?? i suddenly remembered that. and was like... lemme have a look here. i really did just go on ebay and look at haunted dolls and thats where i met my 'first' spirit vessel i was connected to. you dont really question it, if you find yourself completely drawn into a spirit doll/toy/jewelry piece (aka vessel), theyre calling out to you. it was mean to be! spirits can be 'evil or good', but i prefer the terms 'positive and negative'. a spirit can be positive but very sad and troubled and have a bad temper. spirits can be 'evil' and seem like the sweetest things ever. to be sure, i ask my pendulum which one they are. it turns out i owned three spirit vessels and i didnt even know until my pendulum told me!! i was very attached and affectionate to them (theyre old thrifted/collectable toys) to the point where i found it a bit strange. the spirits explain it. and btw, just because a spirit has a vessel, doesnt mean theyre inside of it or anything... idk think of it as an anchor or something. they can wander around, but they can always find their way back to their vessel. a spirit can have a vessel for 100 years, or pick a new vessel very frequently. asking for activity right away annoys the hell out of them. i find asking 'how did you die?' right away a bit rude too... its like going up to a stranger with a large scar on their face shouting 'what happened to your face?'. i always ask the spirit 'is it okay to ask about your death?' before going any further. some spirits show great activity, some dont show much at all. never force it out of them! they arent a show. they have feelings and stuff! if you wanna know more about spirits i recommend watching videos from ppl with ACTUAL INFORMATIVE vids on their spirit dolls, not just the 'scary 3am ouija’ vids. i also recommend going through ebay and just typing in 'spirit vessel' instead of 'haunted doll', and just taking the time to read their descriptions. all spirits have a story!

djinn im pretty new to djinn myself! some ppl on the stricter side of islam swear that all djinn are evil and work for the devil which isnt true at all... there are lots of types of djinn, most i dont know myself!!! most djinn seek a relationship with humans, platonic or romantic. there are khodam (friendliest afaik, 'grant wishes' to humans), marid (my djinn friend! works with water. possibly a mermaid? srs.), ifrit (mischievous, want to see humans suffer), shiatan (works for the devil i think), etc. this is where things get a little hard to believe so pls pls do your research. a lot of djinn conjurers and people who work with djinn claim that djinn can be vampires, elves, succubi, faeries, mermaids, 'aliens'/starseeds, etc... which i think is SUPER cool. hundreds of people who have worked with them swear by it. people say djinn helped with the egyptian pyramids. they have their own appearance they can tell you like height and eye color, and preferences to anything. most really do want to help out humans, i wouldnt say GRANT them, but definitely wave off any negativity coming your way and to shove you on the right path. they can be really protective. king djinn can have hundreds of thousands of djinn working for them. DEFINITELY do your own research, a lot of it before having a djinn attached to a vessel you own, or purchasing a vessel from a conjurer. i really do recommend just taking your time one day to scroll through etsy when you search 'djinn vessel' and just taking the time to read their descriptions, and LOOKING AT THE REVIEWS. i was skeptical and then i saw '85 reviews under item, 5/5 stars'. i read every single review, every description, everything i can. u can learn so much from peoples experiences. it really is amazing!! 

just to be clear i didnt conjure my djinn myself ! i contacted a conjurer on etsy when i was ready and she literally had him attached to my ring in SECONDS. it was crazy. you can find her here! 

misc a big part of spirituality is learning about your chakras, unblocking them, and eventually opening your third eye. there are lots of informative videos on chakras, and im still tryna open my third eye myself! i meditate every few days and have been close to astral travel (which some spirits can interact with you through! dreams too. theyre called 'dream walkers'.). i REALLY recommend binaural beats videos for meditation, not just rain noises or something. like this . there are thousands of videos for this kinda stuff... take the time and find one that works best for you! if you need ANY clarification or anything just lmk because i love talking about this stuff and im sure i left lots out okay!!! i also have a spirituality page you can find here!!

[md3artjournal]

I failed to get into Anime Expo artist alley this week, for the 1st time after 7 years. I don't know what to do, not preparing for it all year. It feels like this is the end of my artist alley days. Financials had me think about quitting recently & the universe reinforcing that, in a way, is sad and makes me feel lost. Not to mention reminding me that i was never good enough to compete in the first place. I know I can keep art as a hobby, but there were lots if fancrafts & products I still wanted to make for people in the fandoms. 

And I've never been good multitasking, so I doubt I could have a day job and artist alley simultaneously.  Or else I would have done artist alley before leaving my previous office job, and I would have double majored or also gotten a minor.

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The following are a semi-edited mess of my journal entries from 8/21/2019 after tables sold-out, noted here for my own records:  

8/21/2019 Failed to get artist alley table for AX2020.  Maybe the seconds wasted scrolling down to "Order" button cost me.  Maybe if I had shrunk my browser viewing options, so that entire page's essential parts could be visible on one screen without paging-down, then maybe I could have been faster.  ;_;   I didn't feel sad.  then felt crying start.   Comisserated with others who also failed, in AX Artist Alley 2019 Facebook Group.   Asked FB group admin for when public table sales happen.  Akiko said to it would be in coming months and to sign up for general mailing list.   I signed up for mailing list, through her link, even though I might already be signed up. Later I started browsing Twitter for "AX artist alley" and was making myself sad seeing everyone who got in and didn't.  So I stopped that short.

1:20 PM 8/21/2019 Just now, I suddenly felt the tears well up.  I wasn't like this a few minutes ago.  I was taking it well.  I had accepted the fact that if there was any year I couldn't get into Anime Expo artist alley, then it would be this one.  Because I feel now more than ever that I don't have the right to be there.  My art skills are terrible.  I thought those things while refreshing/reloading the page.  But i encouraged myself by saying that I NEED to get into AX artist alley because it's my only real income.  Even if I'm not as good, there are still lots of things I wanted to sell and offer to people, and people DO like my stuff!  So my skills may not warrant me being there, but I NEEDED to be there!  ...Now all that's left is to give a final farewell to the facebook group. But then I was reminded that maybe they'll have public table sales.  I was genuinely helped by that reminder and I said, "Oh, yeah!  There are public table sales.  ...But those might be harder to get into."  But it's still something.  I can try.  

1:28 PM 8/21/2019 After 7 years of AX artist alley, I don't know what to do, not preparing for it every year.  Well, if I don't make it into any public table sales, it's been nice working with everyone. You were always an encouraging bunch, especially around table sales times.  Thank you. ;o;

1:41 PM 8/21/2019 First time in 7 years I haven't been able to get into Anime Expo artist alley. It's sold out now. I don't know what to do, not preparing for it all year.  There might be public table sales later, but that'll probably be harder to get into.  I told myself if I didn't get in, I'd focus on an online shop, but honestly, if I didn't have the guts for that in 8 years, then why could I expect myself to do it now?  ;_______;  

2:09 PM 8/21/2019 Now that I think about it, I eventually got bored with Anime Expo.  I go for the nostalgia, my unbroken attendance record, and the great shopping at official booths and their exclusives, along with so many stores from disperate places all in one spot.  But I remember now, before I did artist alley, I was using cosplay as a way to liven things up, after all the panels got too full to get into and all the special events turned into separate-priced tickets.  Yeah...I was obsessed with videography and covering the cosplay gatherings.  I remember that now.  If I don't get into the artist alley table sales, maybe I'll focus on cosplay again.  ...Maybe not as obsessed as before, but there's lots of stuff to do!  Dont' be sad!  

2:54 PM 8/21/2019 I couldn't get into AX2020 artist alley today. Going to try public table sales later. If I don't get in & anyone wants my #fancrafts, I'm going to look into an online shop this year. There are still lots of things I want to make for you guys. #joker #kirby #figurines

3:33 PM 8/21/2019 Ok.  Time to get up and take care of myself.   I've been stalking the AX AA 2019 FB for like 3+ hours now, commiserating with other people who couldn't get in.  I've soothed myself with cat videos, PostmodernJukebox music, and browsing on TWitter.  Time to eat, shower, and empty ye old bladder.  

8:53 PM 8/21/2019 Finally closed all my AX tabs from today.  Both the artist alley table sales "sold out" tab and Facebook group of othe rpeople who failed to get in and are consoling each other.  Both the sting and the soothing commiseration.  Time to put it all behind me for today.   I have other things to do.   And anyway, I already foudn out info about public table sales, signed up for the mailing list to make sure I hear about it, read the return policy for regular attendee badges, and found out the 12/2/2019 due date for the current $85 4-day attendee badge. It's done.  I should move on.   And there are things I'm free to do, if I don't do AX2020 artist alley.  If I don't get the AX2020 public table sales either, I can look for a job, focus on an online shop, maybe figure out what I want to do more than art/crafting.  Because I obviously don't race to do it in my every waking/spare moment.  Do I really love it?  Maybe I love something else? And should be doing something else with my life?  But I don't know what it is.  ~__________~!   It's weird.  I've been doing this thing lately, for a long while now, months or years, where I'm numb in situations that I know would usually make me (deeply) depressed.  But I don't feel the overwhelming sadness, the dehabilitating pain.  Instead, I go through the motions of self-destructiveness, time-wasting, and just listeless lack of focus on anything, as if I was depressed, but I don't feel the crushing, all-consuming pain.  Am I actually depressed and in denial?  Same thing for losing the AX2020 artist alley table today.  

2:58 AM 8/22/2019 I was thinking earlier of opening commisions for pet sketches.   "I'm opening commissions.  Got a fuzzy fluffy pet?  $5 sketches.  Come and get 'em."   I kept thinking over and over today how I can't get good at illustration or drawing humans because studying my Weaknesses, especially human anatomy, make me so frustrated that I lash out at people around me in real life.  o_O  So maybe I should jsut stick to what feels good to draw for me.