#i dont want to hurt someone else so i have to brave the pain on myself | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ghastlybirdie · 1 day

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I've been meaning to make a post like this for a very long time and I never know how to start it out but I'm going to wing it cause I dont know my admiration for random people on Tumblr dot com could be made into a pretty essay or something so... I will yap endlessly

Writer Recommendation Series cause I can't express how much I adore my favorite writers <3

Spotlight: @glossysoap

If any of you ever want to have a good friend, a laughing buddy, a bank heist pal? Get you Glossy cause they will ABSOLUTELY be there for you.

Glossy is such a good friend to me, at this point, both on Tumblr and off, theyre such a genuinely good person and I would actually blow up the moon for this beautiful person and I adore them both as a writer and as a person. Movie nights, screaming about fictional men, playing little games, and just venting like the girlies do (gn). Glossy is just a good, genuine person. Someone like that is hard to come by. Genuinely.

I interacted with Glossy like any other; liking and reblogging mostly and silently talking to myself in tags. Then I got brave and sent anon asks, all under the 🌻 anon tag and some, and soon after (literally like 4 days later) she called for the 🌻 anon and BOOM I came into dm's. It's history from there.

Whether it's hurt/comfort (mostly hurt, girl RtC hurts me to this day lmaooo), dark themes, plus size readers, nsfw scenes, Glossy is able to write it and keep me GLUED and I mean G L U E D!!

And Glossy is so interactive! It's not hard to talk with her, even from a regular Tumblr user! You can talk to her and she's so easy to get along with, naturally funny and honest. She reblogs such good posts, even mine even though I'm a little ol' lady, and she's so ready to scream at the top of buildings about how much she adores other's writings. I can trust her and her taste. Fine cuisine, if you will!

And as with any human being, Glossy is flawed like the rest of us... And despite it all, yall best believe I'd start cheering and screaming at the top of my lungs to defend this baddie (and pretend I shake my ass or something) cause if it's fandom discourse or just shitty people being shitty people (iykyk) Glossy handles it like the ADULT she is. She can hold herself accountable and she will stand her ground, and she'll do it while serving CUUUNT (and then I shake my ass again but no really, Glossy is beautiful, her makeup skills are so sick)

SO lemme just have a list for you, cause I'm gonna go through some and leave you with homework!

Of course, please look through Glossy's masterlist! All of her works are posted there, and I can't touch on EVERYTHING that I love or else... Idk, we all might be here for a long while.

Ready to Comply - Ghoap x Winter Solider!reader I don't remember how this series came upon my eyes but it did, and at first I didn't really have an interest to read it cause I never was a Marvel/Superhero fan. But I saw it reblogged again on my feed and I thought "it must be good" and so I read a minute of the first chapter. And the next. And the next. And then I implanted myself into Glossy's life and here we are. I don't know what about the story or writing really hooked me in. Perhaps it was the pairing (I love me a good Ghoap fic okay), or maybe the creativity? Despite my lukewarm opinion of Marvel, I still enjoyed the story cause it felt seperated from the source enough that I didn't feel like I was missing much, if any, information. Most of what is written is described in a way that I could picture it all in my head comfortably. Speaking on comfort... this is certainly not a comfort fic LOL this is not a story for your grandma! Glossy's written something that made my mind picture hurt and gore and pain in a delicious way! And the more chapters you get into, the better the writing comes out! It's like Glossy is learning more and more ways to hurt me, it almost feels personal. Glossy, babes, do you enjoy giving us pain? That's okay, we like it <3 I adore the series, and every other piece of writing that Glossy provides just keep building up and up. This series holds a special place in my heart, and I love it dearly, even if it's not updated recently, I happily go back and read it when my heart needs familiarity and pain <3 Glossy writes a lot, I admire how often she does cause JesUS girl, how you write so much? I'm linking the fics I've read and remember fondly <3 And of COURSE please read more of her work. It's all so good and they really are a fantastic writer who only gets better as time goes on.

Staring - Weirdo!Ghost x Reader He's a freak, look at his weirdo (i say drooling and affectionately)... I'm also biased cause I (guess i dont remember now) helped with this one LOL

Showering with TF141 - Poly!141 x Reader Listen... I'm a simple man. I see poly and dubcon? I click. I should put this on my wall. Glossy knows what's in my brain, I guess lmaooo

Pushing Boundaries - Perv!Soap x Reader Do I need to say more? It's gospel at this point, and Glossy is giving the sermon

Teamwork - GazPrice x Reader *punching the wall* I think I'm gonna buuuust. Anyways, it's so delicious, please just UGGGGH give me

I could (and should but this post would be literally a mile long) post all of Glossy's works individually but I think, if you haven't already, should go through and read their work. It's worth it.

And it's worth every ounce and every effort and every moment to be a mutual and a friend to Glossy. She's one of a kind. As a reader, as a writer, and as a friend. And I just couldn't keep that to myself. So please PLEEEEASE read Glossy's work, and say hello, and show love. Cause Glossy deserves it.

I love you Glossy!!!! And I hope to have you as a friend for as long as the world spin... or as long as you can tolerate me LOL 💛💛💛

#ilyilyilyilyily #MWAH MWAH MWAH!!!#I regret nothing :>#thank you for also somehow getting me into the bucky/marvel pipeline LOL #sunny recs #fic recs

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cas-coding · 1 year

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ughhhh i want to write a dean seeing lisa like fifteen years later bc jack and ben go to the same college and YES lisa remembers dean because hello she had photos of him and he met her family :|. anyway lisa screams at dean first and is so mad at him and hes so so so sad babygirl and is like im so sorry lisa. i am so so so sorry. i can't tell you why. i cant make you understand. but come over to my place for dinner and maybe jack and ben can be friends???

and then cas answers the door and lisa's like oh i didnt know dean was having a bunch of other friends over too hi how are you who are you? and cas is like oh! no it's just family, im deans husband :) and lisa is like okayyyy i misread this shit. dont remember why he broke up with me but its bc he was gay. good to know. and lisa makes it through the whole dinner without asking and then finally when dean refers to jack as 'his and cas' kid' she fucking explodes and shes like okay i get it ben's not your blood so he's not good enough for you but this kid isn't your blood either and suddenly he deserves a father figure?

dean is like. im sorry lisa. i didn't think you remembered me. i didnt want to cause you pain. and lisa is just going off on this man bc lets be so real he does deserve it a little bit. but shes just telling him how much ben could have used a father in life and cas is the one who is like dean is not obligated to do that! and lisa gets quiet and says softly, 'i know. i think we both wanted him to be, though. so its hard seeing him have that with someone else.' and they all get quiet and dean says it wasn't lisa's fault at all. he loved her. he was just scared then. and as much as he wants them to work he knows they won't. because he was really really scared of hurting lisa whereas cas makes him brave. and he knows thats cliche and hes sorry and ben can still be his son. if ben needs a dad dean can be that for him. he can teach him how to change the oil in his car and play ball and hes sorry.

thats the story of how dean ends up adopting a bunch of fatherless kids from jack's college and they come over once a month to do fatherly activities with their dads dean cas and sam who all kind of swap out the dad duties. bc theres so many of these kids.

this is not where i thought this was going but hey i dont control the muse

#lmk if i should write this #not sure ill ever have the energy w what im going thru rn #but its a nice prompt for me to come back to later #fanfic #spn #anyway peace out homies #get a good sleep whenever that may be for you

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emberlynnrayne · 1 year

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I am a mess

I am a mess of trauma, trauma responses, scars, brokenness. What even am I at this point? What do I offer besides the ease I can put into someone life? I feel worthless and empty. Everything I am, everything I have, its all steeped in pain and fear.

Fuck. I dont understand why I am here. How is it that I keep putting one foot in front of the other? I will not give the ultimate hurt to the people that love me, so I wont end myself, but I do not understand why I havent been taken out yet. What part do I play in the greater powers’ plan?

How do I reconcile my own history, and the part I played in my own hurt? Yeah, yeah, psychology and all. I understand who I was. I understand how it all came to be. I understand my own past thought processes. But where does that leave me now? Trying to be a whole and healthy person, while the entirety of the foundation of my life was something else? What do I bring to the table? What can be build on a pile of rubble? Who am I? What am I? What worth do I have? “You are worthy by simply being.” No. No, I am not. I am a pile of failure. I am a cumulation of nothing good. All my life I have wanted to be Good and worthy, and I feel further from that being the case than ever.

I am supposed to feel good about myself while my old wounds continue to fester and infect my every day life? The core of me is rotten and hollow. I am dry an empty. A shell of everything I once thought I was and ever wanted to be.

I am working hard. so hard. Will it ever be enough? What right to I have to love and be loved? What true good do I bring into the world? It all feels so shallow and temporary. I continue to work hard and try to do good, but there is no faith left in myself. I am a fraud. I feel slimy and deceitful, letting people love and care about me. Letting people have faith in me. Eventually they will see how small and worhtless I am. How much better off they are without me. I will have stolen their time and affection and it will all end the same. I want to be brave! I am trying so hard. I am authentically me, I have no capacity to be anything else. But they see something in me that I cannot see in myself. I keep trying. I will keep trying. But ultimately, I expect hurt and endings. I cannot genuinely believe in a future that I am healthy, loved unconditionally, and accepted truly.

How pathetic I feel, just so desperately wanting to be loved and understood. To be loved the way that I love.

I am crying and I need to stop here.

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hexcryingwolf · 1 year

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im not spending my days in a depressive suicidal fog like i did for the first couple of years after the 2018 fallout. im not constantly thinking about and remembering and questioning and doubting everything that happened anymore. i have healed a lot. i am so much better than i was

but finding out that [information i hope to god comes to light sooner rather than later] lit this fire in me. im not scared anymore, im fucking angry. angry about the lies. angry about how they treat people. angry that nothing ever got any fucking better. angry that im a joke to them because i had the audacity to Not Handle the Trauma of Finding Out Someone I Trusted and Considered a Friend was a Dogfucker with perfect poise and tact.

we never talked about that. i dont remember ever talking about that in the server. i talked about it with glip privately but not in a way to process my pain, i was trying to support them and pushed my trauma aside for them. i know when i first saw those videos i talked about it in the server but i dont think, once the truth about marl came out, that i ever really took the time to talk about it in relation to that. i was too concerned with supporting glip

and its not their fault i did that obviously, that was my own actions and i own that much. im not blaming them for anything here. i just want it to be understood that i had this trauma and never took the time to process it and maybe thats why i lashed out so much. maybe thats why everything hurt me so deeply. maybe thats why i was so fucking scared all the time.

thats understandable, right? like. we never talked about the animal abuse but i should have. i should have brought it up in therapy way sooner than i did, and even when i did it wasnt a focus, it was just a footnote to the rest of it. i dont remember anyone else being as bothered by it as i was. so we didnt talk about it. i used self harm to train myself out of thinking about it instead of talking about it. one time in the box i tried to talk about it but glip shut us down because “(they) hadnt taken the time to process it yet”. i know we couldve gone to dms, i know that logically. can it be understood that logic sometimes gets overwritten by emotion? or is that just a personal defect, i should have known better. in the face of this horrid, monstrous thing, i should have known how to handle it logically

i remember glip being, kinda. like it was this eureka moment for them when they understood that the reason the zoo shit upset me so much was because i saw it as animal abuse. i hate to phrase it like that - “i saw it as” - because it fucking *is* abuse. knowing some of the shit i know now it makes sense they reacted that way, i guess? but it sucks cuz there were dozens of active people in that server, a lot of whom were my *friends*, but i just had to stew in this pain and never let it LEAK. we talked so much about how my bad feelings leaked out onto others. and that was bad. it was bad that i couldnt hide my pain? im not sure. i wish i understood. i wish i could see the logs. id fucking settle for talking to someone with access to the logs who i could trust was being honest with me, even without directly giving me any logs at all. but no one like that exists, i dont think

i know glip didnt think my pain was real. january 2019, i was feeling so hurt and mistreated by them but i REFUSED to believe they were just being a bitch to me. so i make up this motivation where theyve been hurting me because they want me to retaliate somehow. i ask axi about it and they dont try to stop me, they tell me to write my callout. so i did, and then i was the villain. i was a joke. how dare i “put on a brave face” during the scene with them, after how badly i had hurt them with a wimpy callout i never shared and they never read. im sure it *DID* hurt you glip. but what about the pain i was feeling in the first place? i did that because i was being hurt by you, but i wanted to believe youd only ever do that to me for some good reason. maybe to teach me something? to teach the rest of the server something? can you understand that that didnt come from a place of anger or wanting to hurt you, it came from the pain *i* was feeling but was trying to deny, because i didnt want to believe youd hurt me.

its ok that you didnt/dont like me glip. im over it. but i cared so much about you i refused to believe you might just not like me. when i thought, maybe they want me to retaliate? maybe this is some plot? it fucked me up so badly. so i went to axi and they didnt try, just said “well youd just take my trying as part of the scheme” and maybe i would have but we’ll never know because *they didnt even try*. so it was easier to believe that you were hurting me for some greater purpose than it was to believe we just werent compatible as people

i dont know. this turned into more of a vent than i meant it to. theres so much i cant process properly because i cant read minds and i dont have the logs and ill just carry this pain forever. at least its smaller than it was

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nsnirak0019 · 2 years

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moving to a different country in your early 20s

this was probably the scariest thing i have done in my life. and may i also say, the proudest one.

i am a girl from a little town with not much exposure to liberality. you are expected to conform to these questionable 'norms.'

Growing up i had to navigate life the harder way as i had no parents beside me. I fail, i fall, i cry, i learn (hopefully). i had to protect myself and let's say, do things in a way that i wanted to. (you wanna give these conservatives a headache? do it my way then.) i think this is the reason some of my family members hated my guts. they hate it cause they cannot order me around. i stand my ground. i stick to my principles. (btw, no hate to my family.) I'm pretty sure this roots from toxic asian family culture. if you have your own opinion, they think you are being disrespectful and *rebel.* i remember asking myself why this certain family member have never spoken a single word to me since i became a teenager but would joke around with my cousins in front of me....

this lead to a life-long dream of moving somewhere else. i did not think it would be this soon, but yay i guess. all i wanted was to escape. when you're in so much pain (esp from your own blood), nothing else matters but leaving. i did not take into consideration the adult responsibilities that i would be facing. all i thought was, "i just need to get away."

moving away. i'd say it's the greatest blessing but also the most painful one. i get to explore sides of myself that i did not know existed. i get to improve myself without people questioning every decision i make. there's so much room for improvement. plus you get to meet the greatest people. sometimes im walking around our town or in central london and then i would suddenly think "wow im in london. i did it."

it does not sound as glorious as im making it seem like tho. lol. the times i cried cause i feel like i never belong. i was moving around before i decided to settle down in london. i was everywhere. i feel like i belonged everywhere. i finally felt like i was seen. but the truth was, i was just like any other person that comes and goes. and that hurt me so much. after that, you doubt every decision you made. is this the right thing? who am i doing this for? is this worth leaving everything behind? is this worth leaving the familiar (but unfulfilling) life that i had? what is my purpose here?

people do not talk about the beauty of learning to be comfortable with your own company. there's something so fulfilling being in your own silly little world. im not gonna say it's easy, cause believe me, im still on the process of learning how to love myself. and i do think this is something you have to learn all throughout your life. when you learn to love yourself, you then learn that you are capable. when you believe that you are capable, you then will realize someone's absence does not hurt that much as you thought. or i dont know being alone is not as bad as how people make it seem.

braving the world by my own is the proudest thing i have done.

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roonilwazlibimagines · 3 years

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arranged - r.b x reader

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Blurb: arranged marriages always end up with someone hurt the request was for regulus cheating on reader and so i did it an unconventional way pt 2 Word Count: 3.8k Warnings: cheating, regulus is a bit mean towards the end, bit of muggle born hate :/, but of self-doubt and feeling sad A/N: i think ive been editing this for the last month and im still not really happy with it but i dont see it getting better so ive kinda given up. also the reader is implied to be female, but there is no explicit reference to them being female (unless ive completely missed it, it is late and i am tired so if i have missed it please let me know!) also the ‘tense’ of this piece? couldn’t tell you. also i wrote like five different endings for this and i still dont like it im sorry :///

Masterlist

Arranged marriages were a common thing in the old and noble wizarding families. They’re still quite common now, but after the defeat of Voldemort there was a surge of wizards from these families who were brave enough to be with half bloods and muggle borns and go against their families wishes. It was a good thing, really, arranged marriages were completely outdated and I would never wish the pain it brought upon me to anyone else.

Just before my sixth year my parents told me that I was arranged to marry Regulus Black. His family had had issues with his older brother so it was imperative that he was to marry someone from a noble family as soon as we finished Hogwarts.

We were in the same friend group but I could count the amount of conversations we had had on one hand. Regulus was known for being mysterious and hard to talk to, but he was nice to look at and there were definitely worse people I could have been arranged to marry. It seemed that he had been told the same information because when I boarded the train the next week he had given me a small toothless smile that was more like a grimace but certainly something I had never seen him do before.

Whether it was coincidence or we both were suddenly intrigued by the other, we had ended up sitting next to each other in the Great Hall making polite small talk about our holidays. Neither one of us mentioned what our future held, but there was an air of understanding and a knowing that there was a reason for this sudden interaction.

Eventually we realised that we had quite a bit in common and I was happy to call him my friend. Walking to classes together and pairing up in Transfiguration soon turned into eating together and spending nights in the Common Room talking about our past and present, but always somehow dodging our future.

It wasn’t hard to fall for Regulus Black. He was kind when you got to know him and he was much more intelligent than he let on, and of course, there was no denying that Regulus Black was pretty and nice to look at.

Our wedding was small and we only invited our closest family and very few friends. I should have realised what our marriage meant to him when we talked that night. Our parents had bought a house for us and it was our first night sleeping in it. We didn’t speak about it, but it seemed neither of us wanted to spend our wedding night alone and so we were in our pyjamas with our backs on the mattress lying next to each other.

“You know,” we were both looking up at the ceiling but his thoughtful tone had made me look over at him, “I’m mad about being in an arranged marriage, but I’m not mad it’s with you.” I smiled over at him when his eyes quickly met mine.

“I feel the same way,” I had told him truthfully. I didn’t exactly love him at the time, we had only started speaking to each other only almost a year ago, but I had a hidden hope that one day it would turn into that.

“Could’ve been with someone horrible, but we get along,” he chuckled, “and I will let you do your thing and you’ll let me do mine and our parents will be ecstatic that we’re making it work.”

I didn’t exactly know what to say because I didn’t exactly know what he meant. There were a few meanings that crossed my mind but I told myself not to dwell on it. Our relationship needed time and understanding and if there was any chance of this arranged marriage turning into something more, I couldn’t let this small thing bother me.

About three months into our marriage Voldemort was defeated. Regulus and I had survived and fortunately did not meet the fates of our friends currently sitting in Azkaban. I got a job at the Ministry and Regulus was a successful potion maker. While mine was a regular office job, Regulus' work required odd hours and sometimes I wouldn’t even be awake when he came home. I was so happy that we had survived that I didn’t even care.

Life became easier for muggle borns and half bloods but old prejudices were hard to kill.

“It’s weird that while everything has changed, nothing has really changed, you know?” I had brought up to Regulus one night while we were cleaning the kitchen after dinner. If I was fortunate to have someone I genuinely liked as my arranged husband, I didn’t know what I was to have someone whose beliefs aligned with my own.

“Yeah, I guess so,” Regulus had murmured. There was a crease in between his eyebrows as he sank deep into thought.

“Purebloods still want nothing to do with muggle borns, and it’s still unacceptable if you’re with one.” I continued, folding my arms across my chest and leaning on the kitchen counter.

“It’s not acceptable for you to be seen with a muggle born,” he corrected me. I had agreed with him instantly as we usually were on the same page about these things. But as the night went on his words kept replaying through my head. What an odd thing to say. To be seen with a muggle born.

That night I had tossed and turned for hours, the words replaying in my mind as I tried to fall asleep. To be seen with a muggle born. I mean I guess that distinction is important. There are many people from noble pureblood families who are with muggleborns but keep their relationship secret in fear of judgement and exile. It probably wasn’t anything I needed to worry about.

She had been working in the same department with me since I started and our offices were right next to each other. She was very pretty, and nice, and a muggle born. Which wasn’t a big deal, anymore. My family had their beliefs and I had mine and I wish that I was stronger to get their voices out of my head. What does a mudblood have over a pureblood?

We were in the same year at Hogwarts, but had never spoken to each other for obvious reasons. It was awkward at first, she knew my family and their beliefs and I knew hers, but she had always smiled at me when we crossed paths and one day I took a risk and sat next to her at lunch. She didn’t move away and instead initiated polite small talk which continued until polite small talk turned into workplace gossip which soon turned into more personal conversations and I was now happy to call her my friend.

No matter how ‘noble’ Regulus and I’s families were, it was difficult trying to find work after Voldemort’s defeat and it was even harder finding new friends who didn’t constantly glare at you, for justified reasons.

I had confided to Regulus one night about the loneliness this caused me. I was sitting in our lounge in front of the fireplace, wrapped up in blankets with a frown tugging on my lips.

“I feel so lonely,” I whimpered and Regulus sat down next to me and put an arm around my shoulders, “no one at work wants anything to do with me, I have no one outside of work, I-”

“You have me,” he offered and I turned to him, trying not to look hopeful. He gave me a cheesy grin and the hurt on my face vanished as I felt my whole body relax. He pulled me into his side and I let my head rest on his chest.

“Really?” I had asked pathetically. Regulus and I were always friendly with each other, but this was an area we had never entered before.

“I’m your arranged husband,” he chuckled, “you’ll always have me.”

It was then when I was happy to admit to myself that I loved Regulus Black. Really, I think I knew all along, but at the beginning of our relationship I was too concerned about the fact that I was in an arranged marriage to properly focus on any feelings that may have been brewing. Then my worries about Voldemort had taken up all of my thinking space, and then I was so focused on trying to re-enter society as a functioning member while half the world hated me that I had almost forgotten about it.

But I knew that throughout all of that there was some hope that one day Regulus and I would turn into something much more than an arranged couple. Whether it was locked away tight or close to the surface, it was always there and I had naturally assumed that Regulus had the same idea. This conversation was only proof that there had to be something there and I felt as if I would go mad if things weren’t resolved.

I debated whether or not I should finally admit my feelings to him and the anxiety of this was making it hard to focus at work. She noticed there was something wrong the minute I sat down at lunch.

Even if I had made peace with it, the fact that I was in an arranged marriage was not something we necessarily wanted public. Regulus and I had only ever told our closest friends about our situation and most of them were currently locked up in a cell.

She never pried and I respected her for that, but with all of these emotions brewing inside of me I decided that maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad thing to let one person know about our situation.

“What’s got you down?” She was cheerful as always and I smiled up at her. I paused for a moment, debating whether or not it was truly the best idea for me to tell her everything. I didn’t want to burden her, but I trusted her and I knew if I didn’t reach out to anyone I would go mad. She was waiting patiently, looking at me with kind eyes as she ate her lunch and I decided that there were worse things I could do.

“I’m in an arranged marriage.” It was almost humorous watching her face go from shock to confusion, from skeptical to happy and then resting on a cheerful note when I reassured her that we were friends and got along really well.

“Well, who's the lucky guy? Did he go to Hogwarts?” I wasn’t surprised that she didn’t know.

“Yeah, he was in our year as well. Regulus Black.” I was so caught up in finally being able to get something off of my chest that I didn’t even notice when her face fell because she was back to smiling like a supportive friend so quickly that even if I was paying attention, I’m not sure I would have noticed. “And I know he was a bit off-putting in Hogwarts,” I giggled, “but trust me, once you get to know him he is really easy to fall in love with, but I just don’t know if he feels the same way. Which is pathetic, who gets married and doesn’t know-”

“When did you get married?” It was a little weird how she cut me off but I wasn’t thinking too critically about it.

“Early June, pretty much as soon as we left Hogwarts.” I shrugged, quickly continuing my previous train of thought, “like who doesn’t know that their husband loves them, right?” I chuckled, trying to make the situation a little less weird.

“How long did you know?” She had placed her lunch down and I pushed my own away, suddenly not hungry anymore.

“Know what?” All of a sudden a weird feeling had flooded my body. Something was wrong but I just wasn’t sure what.

“That you would marry him?” I could see the edges of her lips fighting to stay up, but there was hurt all over her face and I had regretted ever bringing this stupid conversation up.

“Just before our sixth year, I don’t know-”

“I need to tell you something.” My heart was pounding and it almost felt that there was a static in the air, a warning just before a storm.

“What?” A cold chill ran through my body and somehow I already knew the answer.

“I-, Regulus and I, we--I didn’t know,'' her voice broke off and there were tears forming in both of our eyes. “You have to believe me,” she pleaded and I wondered if she also suddenly couldn’t breathe. “He never told me he was married,” she let out a harsh sob and for a brief second I wanted to reach out and hold her and tell her that it was okay.

“I believe you,” was the best I could offer. The tears hadn’t fallen yet. I didn’t want them to. It’s pathetic being told that your husband is cheating on you and my pride wouldn’t let me be so pathetic as to make a big scene of it at work. “When?” I asked, not feeling confident in saying anything more.

“During our seventh year.” I nodded slowly. He was with her when he already knew we would be arranged. I felt like an idiot. That whole time I thought our friendship was going to naturally lead into something else he was out finding that something else with another person.

“I think-,” I took a deep breath and closed my eyes as a single tear fell down my cheek, “I think I need to get back to work.” All I wanted was to be alone. Her body was shaking from the intensity of her sobs and when I stood up, she did too and she reached out to give me a hug. She kept mumbling, “I’m so sorry,” and if I was being honest I didn’t really care.

As soon as I shut my office door I let the tears fall. They fell for the rest of the day. I couldn’t stop them. It didn’t feel real. It felt like I was no longer in my body and I no longer had control over anything that happened to me. I was just there, waiting and watching it all fall apart.

The worst part was that I didn’t have a right to feel any of the emotions that I was feeling. I had never even spoken to him about my feelings and she didn’t even know he was married. I knew that none of this was her fault, not one bit of it was, but my parents' words kept playing through my mind, what does a mudblood have over a pureblood?

I had also never felt such a strong dislike about myself and if I thought I was going to explode with all of the emotions I started with at the beginning of the day, I didn’t know where all of these new ones would fit. What does she have that I don’t? Sure, she was beautiful and pretty and smart and kind and no one was even forcing Regulus to get along with her.

It was a long day. I had a migraine from all my crying and I had barely gotten any work done. I felt horrible that I had sent her away at our most vulnerable moment. I hadn’t even considered that she would be feeling similar to me. I wondered if she did.

When I got home that afternoon I started piecing everything together. That weird conversation the night of our wedding, his weird statement about being seen with a muggle born, and for a horrible minute, I even wondered if he worked late at night.

My heart sank that afternoon when I heard a pop outside. I tried to focus on my breathing, knowing that I could never do this if I was a sobbing mess.

“Honey, I’m home!” My body tensed at his voice and sitting at our dining table I didn’t respond. “Where are you?” I could hear him murmur but I stayed quiet. “There you are.” If I turned to face him I knew I would fall apart so I kept my back to him.

“You’re home early.” I commented, keeping my voice neutral.

“Don’t sound too excited,” he chuckled and I could hear his footsteps getting louder.

I let out a sarcastic hum and he pulled out the chair next to me to sit down.

“What’s wrong?” His eyebrows were furrowed in confusion and when I finally turned to face him I felt the sadness from earlier come over me all over again. Trying to find my voice, I stared at him and the crease in his forehead, his bottom lip jutted out ever so slightly and suddenly, I realised that I shouldn’t be upset. I should be angry.

“How did you not know?” It wasn’t my desired approach, but the anger was so strong that I couldn’t help it.

“Know what?” The concern he had for me was replaced with confusion and the cold chill I had been feeling since she first told me was replaced with a hot fire that was making me see red.

“I know this isn’t how either of us expected our lives to turn out, but I thought you’d at least respect me enough to tell me.” I was upset because Regulus didn’t reciprocate my feelings, but I had brought that upon myself. I was angry because Regulus never told me he was seeing someone, at least then I would’ve known where I stood.

“Tell you what?” I scoffed at him and rolled my eyes.

“When you’re seeing two girls you might want to make sure they don’t know each other first.” My voice was grave and I watched his face turn to stone as the words sunk in. “Do you even know that she works with me?” I glared at him and he finally turned away, “Or did you not know that I work with her?”

“I’m sorry,” his expression hadn’t changed and I wasn’t sure he was sorry at all, “I didn’t expect you to find out.”

“Obviously.” I met his gaze and kept the stare even if it made me wonder who the hurt behind his eyes was for. But I wasn’t going to be the one to look away.

“But I don’t-I thought we agreed that this was nothing more than an arranged marriage?” It would’ve hurt me less if he had slapped me in the face.

“You still could’ve told me, I’ve spent the last year trying to make this work and I feel like such an idiot now.” I think it bothered him that I was angry and not upset. Maybe if I was crying and shaking he would’ve taken pity on me, but Regulus never liked when people were mad at him.

“Trying to make what work? We are working, we’ve been doing great this last year and I-”

“You’ve been doing great, Regulus,” I spat, “I’ve spent the last few months going crazy not knowing where I stand in this relationship and I’ve just-I felt so alone and I thought we had each other-”

“I thought we were happy to do our own thing?” His voice was getting louder and I was clenching my fist so I wouldn’t cry.

“Maybe I would’ve been if you were clear about what ‘doing our own thing’ meant,” I replied sarcastically, “and even so, why did you keep her a secret? Why didn’t you just tell me about her, then?” I was going to continue but he cut me off.

“Why would I have to tell you?” His words and the venom in his voice shocked me and in that moment I knew I was about to lose all power in the conversation. “We were arranged to be married, meaning if I had my choice, I wouldn’t pick you.” I thought he couldn’t hurt me anymore, but I was wrong.

“And you think I would pick you?” I would have. But he didn’t need to know that.

“Well at least someone has picked me.” He had a cocky look on his face and I let out a sarcastic laugh.

“You think she’s going to keep you around? Think she’s going to welcome you back with loving arms and accept your shitty apology?” I shook my head at him, but he didn’t show that my words had any effect on him.

“No darling, you’re the only one getting a shitty apology.” I didn’t know what I had done to make him so mean but I didn’t want to fight anymore. It was painfully obvious now where I stood and I knew there was no hope in moving.

“I hate you,” I spat at him, finally giving in to all of the emotions that had built up and letting out a harsh sob.

“What are you going to do about it?” he challenged and it hurt me more that he was ready to deepen my wounds, “Divorce me?” He had a smug look on his face and if I was stronger I would’ve hexed him.

I was trapped and we both knew it. To divorce him would be to put a blemish on my family's name, my parents would never forgive me and I would have no means to make it by myself. I was stuck with him. I would be stuck being constantly reminded of this pain that I was currently in and I didn’t have an escape.

After I didn’t respond he chuckled, “that’s what I thought.”

“Well, I hope she makes you happy.” I was expecting him to go further and say that she does but he only rolled his eyes. I stood up from my chair and walked past him without another word.

“Where are you going?” He called out after me, not moving from his chair.

“To the bedroom,” I paused, “I assume you can go stay with her for the night?” He didn't respond and I didn’t hear the chair move but I was far from caring about what he was doing at the moment.

I threw myself on the bed and buried my face in my pillow to muffle the sounds of my sobs. I was such an idiot. I felt horrible about myself and while I knew my circumstance was different and that there were other people out there, I couldn’t help but wonder how anyone would ever love me if my own husband didn’t.

I was numb. Even if Regulus did follow me up I wasn’t sure I’d even be able to move. It was so much easier to sit in this hurt, to let out everything that had been building up inside me.

The worst part was that I knew I would never be able to escape this pain. I would face it again tomorrow when I woke up, when I got to work and saw her, when I’d get back to the house that we share, and then I would wake up again and live it on repeat.

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cosmicallyavg · 3 years

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okay okay i didnt want to fully hijack someone else’s post but i saw this ask

and these tags in a reblog of the ask from @inlovewithanathemadevice

and imagined up something really heartbreaking so im gonna write it for you all to see 🥲

so all i can think is how it can be like a direct parallel to when ten carried donna to her doorstep and just the sad "help me" when wilf opened the door?? okay hear me out

like the doctor gets hurt somehow and knows shes dying so she tells yaz to get away so she can find somewhere safe since theyre away from the tardis.

(maybe dan is there as well? but i kinda imagine this whole scenario to be with no dan?? idk he can be there too if he wants its not that big of a deal i just dont want to have to juggle more characters if i dont have to) (like idk if he’d really do much other than support yaz through the aftermath but i digress)

yaz absolutely will not leave the doctor and will not have any of her nonsense and drags her back to her family's flat because they're close by despite the doctor’s protests - she hopes no one is home because how would she explain what's going on, she hardly even knows what's going on

she's fumbling with the key trying to get the door open but najia hears the commotion and opens the door to yaz sobbing and the doctor looking in a bad way. theres a beat where she just stands in silence, unsure what to do.

yaz is confused, upset, panicking. she’s maybe a bit more harsh with her mum than she normally would be

“either help me or get out of the way, mum”

obviously najia lets them in but she hasn't seen yaz in a year or so and wants to demand explanation but also her daughter’s weird friend probably needs medical attention. yaz insists she not call an ambulance and that everything will be okay but clearly not because the woman looks like she's dying

they guide the doctor to the sofa, neither of them know what to do. but the doctor is trying to explain everything, how she is actively dying and is going to change. how it’s very dangerous and destructive and she shouldnt be in their flat, but more importantly that neither of them should be this close when the regeneration actually happens.

yaz’s mum doesn’t even know the doctor is an alien, all of this information just sounds like a bunch of nonsense, but yaz insists she will explain when everything is over, but right now isn’t a good time obviously

the doctor gives her best attempt at a speech, thanking yaz for everything she's done and how she's helped her grow etc etc. she tells najia she raised a wonderful woman who is smart and brave etc etc. in which she still doesn't get any explanation on who the doctor is/what she is/how yaz knows her/what their relationship is like.

the doctor knows its coming, she tells everyone to back away and yaz of course refuses, but i think a callback to arachnids where yaz tells her mum that she "owes the doctor her life a few times over" would be super heartbreaking so im going to include it

"yaz you don't owe me your life, you don't owe me anything but please don't make me push you away again. please just get away."

people want their first and only kiss to be during the doctors regeneration so that would fit here!!! obv i would love for them to kiss before this but either way you could fit a kiss in here okay.... like the doctor has admitted her admiration for yaz and its a heat of the moment thing where yaz is going to lose her so she just goes in for it??? its short and desperate and everything is bathed in a golden light (it could have similar visuals to nine’s regen 👀) and its beautiful and sad and painful. yaz has to force herself to back away just in time for the regeneration to happen

also if they kiss like right in front of najia it would be fun bc she clocked them back in series 11 and yaz denied it so hard. jfhsjfh esp if dan is there because he would literally cheer them on fsjdfjjkj

okay okay so the regeneration has happened...

yaz didnt know what to expect but there’s literally a different person sitting in the spot the doctor was just in. she can put two and two together but that doesnt make her any less confused. new doctor says funny introduction line like always. yaz and her mum share a confused look. end of episode.

next episode we start back on the sofa, maybe some of the flat is a little destroyed but its fine, everythings fine. new doctor is high on regeneration energy, yaz and mum still super confused. new doctor starts walking around, being clumsy, etc. we get the usual hijinks where the doctor doesnt know who they are, doesnt know who their companion is, and just needs to sleep.

yaz of course i think would react similarly to rose where she kinda doesnt believe its the doctor, but more than anything is like.. hurt and confused that this doctor is not the same as her doctor. her mum has SO MANY questions, naturally. her first of course being “did you just kiss the doctor? so i was right you ARE seeing each other.”

while the doctor sleeps somewhere, yaz and najia sit down and have a long conversation about the doctor and who she was/who they are now, why they changed, where yaz has been this whole time, etc., if we imagine dan in this scenario she would DEFINITELY ask about him.. like last time you brought your friends around there was a different old man what is this about.

like her mum deserves an explanation after so long without yaz around and why she ruined her prospects with the police for some alien who just died on their couch?????

i really dont know how to end this but thats really only as far as im planning this in my head bc otherwise ill write a whole episode

idk just..... i am so vividly imagining this and i needed everyone to hear my thoughts. i just know the regeneration is going to be super painful regardless so i might as well make my own sad rendition.

okay thank you for listening bye

#yo idk i just typed #no thoughts just typing #uhhh #doctor who #thasmin #literally what do i tag this as

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angievores · 2 years

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WORDS they never said but wanted to Or words they never meant to say.

I think both kan and Vegas are bad with words and expressions . So here is something I guess their actions said

I know kan abuses him but here he seems to taking care of his son in his own way. Whole conversation he looks him in eyes. He slaps him because of what he was going to do to pete. He asks him do you know what you are doing? But then shifts the scolding to porshe topic (and here we get a glimpse of abuse) .Take a deep breath and thinks of how to save him from main family. Also tell him to close off pete matter (kill him).

Go to the safe house. When it gets quiet, we'll decide what to do next. (It's alright. Let bygones be bygones. Take some rest and then we'll think of a solution together.)

Being with you is so darn fun. (I like it when I'm with you,the things I feel). When you suffer,you seem to be more interesting (the way you handle abuse and comes off as brave and strong, I can never and I like you and envy you for it). Yeah also he notices Pete's hidden side.

(you are mine now. I have ownership of you. So be good and listen to me and accept me as yours)

(do you think I'm letting You choose main house now.You are trapped with me and have to stay with me and accept me.)

I'm not choosing.(there is no question of choice. My loyalty always belongs to main family and I am not entertaining any of your intentions). I'm just not eating (I refuse to even look at what you have to offer)

You know what an untamed pet would get? (I'm angry why don't you look at me)

I'm gonna hurt you so you'll remember. (I'll give you scars so that only I will be on your mind And you'll forget about everyone else . Because how I remember every hurt my father gave me And so my mind is always full of his words. )

You are no fun at all. ( I don't like seeing you hurt. I don't like seeing you being scared of me. Why you are not showing strength like before. I don't understand myself.)

Do you think I won't know about your stupid plan. You are good ,main family head bodyguard. So what's next? (You are stupid. Principles you hold for main family won't help you. They won't lead you nowhere.Just give up and accept me)

He can't even look at Vegas while saying this. He didn't mean any of that. You and macau aren't even worthy of being my sons. ( Truth is I feel I'm not worthy of being your father.You and macau both deserve better. You two must hate me for having a failed father.I feel ashamed of my failures. I can't meet your eyes. I'm hurt and don't know where else to go.)

don't pretend like you are asleep. Get up and laugh at me. Don't get on my nerves. (Please notice me. I'm deeply hurt. You always takes care of everyone else. Will you console me too. Talk to me Or just look at me)

Get up .pete . Get up. (I can't lose you at any cost, you can't leave me alone)

Take it. No. Your wounds are inflamed. Then just let me die. (You are the one who hurt me. You enjoy giving me pain. Now why are you showing care. Just let me die of pain).

Do you think it's poison?(you think i just want to hurt you right). And then that kiss(I'm sorry. I won't hurt you ever again. I actually like you and wants to be with you.)

Why don't you just let me die?(dont confuse me like this. What I m to you? Just discard me).

That's easy. You must suffer until Im satisfied.(I know I make everyone suffer around me. And I m hurting you. But bear with me. I never felt like this with anyone before. Let me be selfish for sometime and keep you until I ll be ready to let go of you.Killing someone is very easy for me but I can't seem to be able to do it to you)

#kinnporsche #kinnporsche the series #vegaspete #vegas x pete

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introloves · 4 years

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idk what this is! but have it anyway :3

— mutual masturbation + pining + friends to lovers + male masturbation + male p.o.v + omg they were roommatesss trope once again + feelings of guilt + hand job + aone masturbates to the thought of you <3 + mentions of unrequited feelings (or so he thinks >:)) + f! reader

— word count ; approx 1.9k

aone doesn’t know how his thoughts always trace back to you.

when he’s alone, you’re always on his mind. it’s curiosity, he thinks to himself, you’re such good friends that it’s all curiosity, it’s natural to wonder what your friend is doing late at night. wondering if you’re content and asleep.

but friends dont think of eachother in the way aone thinks about you.

— when he’s alone, he thinks of your body, your lips, he thinks of how your small hands would look wrapped around his dick.

it’s all he can do, he’s too shy to do anything about the way you make him feel. so he sits by himself, and wonders, he dreams about you.

he wonders if you touch yourself.

it’s dirty and disgusting of him to think about you that way, but it’s a secret he’s harbored for a long time.

he wonders how you would feel under him, he wonders what your pussy looks like, he wonders what it’s heat would feel like, sucking his cock in deep.

you have him wrapped around your finger and you don’t even know, you don’t know how much he wants to stuff you full with his cum.

it’s a secret he swears he’ll carry forever, it’s never going to leave the confines of his room or head, but it’s not all unbridled lust that as him attracted to you.

its your laugh, the way you look when you’re fighting off futakuchi for saying something, or how shy you look when you’re looking up at him, lips curled up in a smile, your hand coming up to brush a stray hair from your face.

once again he focuses on your hand, he wonders if your short little fingers are enough to bring you any pleasure when you’re alone. he knows that his fingers could do so much better, he wants to stuff you full with just them, prepping you for a cock he knows is almost monsterous in size, but in his fantasies you’re begging for even more of him.

it’s all too much for aone, he’s dizzy when he blinks and sees his cock in his hand. he’s embarrassingly hard. against his pale skin, the throbbing of blood in his cock paints a painful hue of red and almost purple splotches all over it, the angry colors concentrate on his head that’s weeping with precum.

this happens every night, somehow his thoughts loop back to you and then he’s fucking his fist, biting back moans because even though you’re his friend... you’re also his roommate...

maybe that’s why you’re always on his mind, living in such close proximity with someone, it’s bound to happen, right?

he wants to laugh because he knows the answer to that.

there’s guilt etched in the very being that he is when he’s panting your name, shaping your name into the night.

he shivers at a particularly nice pull of his fist over himself, the build up is fast, he knows that with every slap of his palm against his pelvis, the higher the chance of you to catch him like this.

it’s thrilling, the idea of you walking into his room, to ask him... something, anything, and seeing how he’s leaning against the headboard, thighs splayed out, almost glistening with the moonlight.

he likes thinking that you’d clench at the sight of him, hands reaching down to tug that oversized shirt you wear to bed down, covering those tiny shorts that he loves- lusts over. he wants to pull those to the side and have a peak at what’s underneath.

his hips cant up at the thought, he hisses out into the stagnant air. he cant stop the rumbling of his groans as he lets your name tumble past, louder than intended.

he stops everything to listen, making sure you haven’t woken up, or heard the way his bed was groaning at the thrusts of his hips.

he swallows tensely, a hand coming up to run through his short hair.

aones so caught up with himself that doesn’t hear the soft padding of your feet walking towards his door.

you’re still warm with sleep, but after hearing the soft noises coming from his room, you rub the drowsiness out of your eyes and make your way to him, checking to see if he’s okay.

your pulse quickens as you reach it, the only light that’s present is the one filtering in from the moon, everything else is doused in a pitch black.

if he’s hurt then you’re screwed, having someone like him as a roommate makes you feel secure, he’s like a never ending beacon of safety and you’re not sure what else could be the cause of what sounds like pained gasping.

you reach out and push the already ajar door open slightly.

your eyes widen immediately, hand coming up to cup your gasping mouth.

you should turn away, you should close your eyes, you should do something other than just standing there gawking. but that shock turns into something hot and heavy, it’s almost suffocating in how much it turns you on, seeing aone like that.

his head is thrown back, thick neck prominent with veins and you can see he’s sweating. you look down to where his hand is pumping himself roughly, it looks like it hurts, looks like he’s doing that with the sole intent to cum, and not to enjoy it.

you’re almost panting, seeing him like this for the first time, you have a white-knuckled grip on your shirt, while your hand is still clamped firmly around your mouth, the only time you move your eyes from his dick is when you notice his movements have stopped.

your eyes flutter back to his face, and you nearly trip backwards when you make eye contact with him.

he looks like he’s ready to run, his expression mirrors your own, he can’t think of anything other than the pure mortification of you seeing him.

this is all so wrong, this wasn’t how it was supposed to happen- no, it was never supposed to happen. he was going to keep to himself and let you go.

there’s an error between his mind and actions, he thinks that he should cover up and immediately offer you his apologies, explain to you that he gets a wild need at night, nothing more.

but finally seeing you and not the you he’s created in his head gives his cock a twitch, it’s embarrassing how violent it is, the pulse of him watching you. he squeezes, hard, to keep from cumming. his upper body coming forward, in a feeble attempt to shield himself from you, and the only thing he can do is spit out a,

“sorry.”

it’s a pathetic rumble of words, aone should be offering himself to you, no wait- begging for you to turn around and leave, but in that moment it’s all he can do, so dangerously close.

it’s all been a crazy night, because when you step closer to him, he can hardly believe it.

you’re soft when you finally make his way to him, a hand just barely there- but warm against the milky skin on his back.

your knee is right next to him, he realizes, gulping when the weight of you is transferred onto his bed.

you’re right there, he can feel your body heat, it’s so nice.

he doesn’t know what to do when you finally break the heavy silence.

“i can help you.”

it’s nothing more than a whisper, words that hold more weight than they should, and yet you offer yourself to him.

it gets him to look at you, those intense eyes that you know so well look so pleading. in favor to save the jumping of your heart at the way he looks at you, you look down at the heavy dick still hard in his hand.

“can i touch you.” you inquire, still not brave enough to say it louder than just a small whisper.

he’s almost ashamed to admit the fact that you’d be the first, it builds already on the weight of his turmoil thus far.

but aone knows he wants it.

he keeps his eyes on you, letting them roam your body and how you’re really, actually here with him, looking at him with hungry eyes.

he moves his hand, and he’s so hard that his dick doesn’t fall.

he hates how eager he is to have you actually touch him, hates how well the picture of you touching him matches with the real you, just like in his head, your fingers barely touch eachother while you take him in your small hand.

he’s wet already, even wetter with the beads of precum that are rolling down his shaft, it makes your job easy.

“do you do this every night?” you ask, thighs clamping together because the weight of him feels so good in your hand, he’s so big.

he nods, sucking in breath after breath while you twist your hand over his swollen head.

he didn’t even do that, he didn’t know touching himself like that would feel so good.

he’s so receptive, so good in how you can feel the small rocking of his hips up into your hand.

it makes you travel on of your own into your sleeping shorts.

the sound of your fingers slipping messily over your obviously wet pussy has aone staring. he looks, looks at your hand and the movement underneath your covering.

he swears at that, there’s a loud ringing in his ears while you pump him.

“what do you think about?” your voice is wrecked, whiny and high strung. he thinks you sound beautiful.

“you.”

it’s too much, too much, too much.

you’re swollen and the confession he just gave you goes right to your cunt, there’s a moan that seeps out of you, and aone realizes that you’re cumming.

you shake while you continue on, tugging at him with the same desperation he had while you walked in, you want to see him come undone, you know the wield for him is going to be so good, you can almost taste it.

aone doesn’t think he’s ever been so lucky, so deserving, to marvel at the beauty that is you while you’re mid orgasm.

it was enough when you walked in and saw him, but now that you’re touching him and he can feel you with the shake of the bed, it has him wrecked.

his hands are digging into his thighs, just a little more of the pressure against them he might actually break skin.

he doesn’t ask your permission to touch you, but does so anyway, he clasps a hand over the one weakly working at him, guiding you so it’s just how he likes it.

there’s so much cum, the force of it has where you’re touching him covered, even with his hand over yours, it paints your own white, landing on his tensing stomach.

you don’t think you’ve ever seen anything so attractive.

you both sit there in a sort of daze, not sure how to process what happened, there’s a heavy pause when you touch base with reality.

and while aone has always held back, walked cautiously like he’s been advised his whole life because of his stature and face, he decides to be openly greedy and selfish.

aone grabs you, his eyes looking for you and kisses you hard.

he thinks that if there’s any part of his life where he’d break the many rules he’s set for himself, he’s going to say, “fuck it all” with you.

and just like the many times previously during the night, he thinks he’s dreaming when you kiss him back with the same intensity.

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arcadejohn127-9 · 4 years

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Hello!1st I wanted to say i love your blog its *chefs kiss*,and 2nd could I request (i dont know if this is in someway triggering or not so i apologize) a MC who doesnt believe the brothers can love them 'cause they despise themself and they are so set on (?) with that mindset that the brothers cant convince them otherwise,but MC themself wants to feel loved they...just cant...and they just breakdown saying they arent special and when the brothers meet other humans they will realise that MC is nothing,that they are a horrible being and they will leave them for somebody better,does that make sense I dont wanna go too deep into it(totaaaaally not self projecting)I am so sorry if this is a sensitive topic,feel free to ignore this ask,this has been eating me out for weeks so I just wanted to seek some comfort.Once again your blog is great and dont overwork yourself, take care! :D 🤍

I've definitely been there and even now, I still have these fears. Growing out of these Insecurities and feelings are hard even if you work hard to be as confident as you can. One day it'll happen but until then you just gotta keep reminding yourself that you're worth the world

Also tip, please don't rely on others for self worth - people can be cruel or simply just unpredictable. Not all but until you see every colour of a person you don't know. If you depend on someone else to give you worth and make you feel good then that'll start a very unhealthy cycle for yourself

I hate this phase "love yourself before you love others" because you don't need to, you can find healthy and happy relationships whilst insecure. But I think what it really means is; get self worth before you love another. Make sure you don't do yourself damage by giving you Someone who does the bare minimum or will sometimes make you feel good but is usually a dick.

You can find love but that love can be wrong if you don't pay attention to the red flags. Don't let your insecurities drag you into unhealthy relationships.

Because you are stunning, worth it and loveable. You're Someone people can look up to or admire even if it's for something simple like your humour.

Also thank you, I'll be sure to not overwork myself, make sure you don't pressure yourself too hard about work or your hobbies. Hobbies are all about fun!

Warning: self loathing, depressive themes, angst

You could stand it.

Your eyes traveled along the gifts and trinkets that were in your room. Each one gifted to you by a powerful demon; a demon you live with.

You couldn't stand it.

You could get it; why would someone like that every like you? You weren't special and yet Everyone insisted that you were. You're not the key. Not anything Diavolo wants or expects. Definitely not what the brothers want.

You had to scoff. The brothers only like you because of Lilith, if you were related then they'd never see you as anything but some human. Lilith dragged you here, she made sure you came here and for what? To be always told you're going to be some big thing; someone to destroy hatred and help bring together three realms.

Do they not realize how much pressure that is??!!!! And the how are you even going to do that?! You're magic is unpredictable and useless - it perfectly reflects you.

You whimpered at your own thoughts. The word useless stinging at your heart; it was almost if a knife lodged itself into your chest. Constantly stabbing the word useless into it.

You were useless. They need to find someone who can actually live up to their expectations. Just a good for nothing human....why do they even like you?

You looked back at the gifts, your watery stare turning into a hateful glare.

The question was burning inside your head. You couldn't understand; what did he see in you? You're not special! You're not anything anyone wants you to be and you're just being forced on a pedestal you didn't make!

Why did he always look at you the way he does? Like you actually mean something. Why does he smile so softly when you enter the room?

Why would he be like that when you KNOW that as soon as he meets another human, he'll be running after them without hesitation. Everyone was so much more attractive than you and better than you - you couldn't get why he loved you. Why- no how?! You weren't good enough for him!

No matter how many times he says I love you or compliments you it leaves such a bitter disgusting taste in your mouth. You're so horrible you can't even let people be nice to you - it's all a lie anyway. No one could love you. Never. No one!

You were useless! Disgusting! You weren't even attractive! You weren't loveable! You're a horrible person who looks just as horrible as they are. How can they look at you like that?! How can they stand you?! You're nothing!

You don't get it!

Why?! Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why-!

A scream ripped itself out of your throat. Tears streaming down your face as you clutched your head. Your body curled into itself, shaking and trembling as you choked on your sobs. You coughed through it as you tried to breath but the tears kept coming. Drowning you as you desperately tried to breath under their weight.

The pain was unbelievable. You felt like your head was on fire. You could barely even make out the figure standing at your door. Whoever they were, they scooped you up from the floor and rubbed circles into your arms. You clutched to them for dear life as you cried.

Somewhere in your brain you could tell who it was and it only made you cry harder. Shame filling your lungs as you tried to escape their caring embrace.

"No-! Stop it! I'm nothing! I'm useless-! Let me go-!! Why- why won't you leave me alone?! I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!! LET ME DIE-!"

were you dying? You felt like it. The ache was painful; your chest growing tighter and tighter. You pounded on their chest, demanding they let you be the useless thing that you are alone.

Lucifer:

He forced back his tears

Just rubbing circles into your skin as he held you

To think you were this Insecure despite being the nicest person who knew

You were Better than him and don't let pride stop you - you were amazing

"not good enough for me? What made you believe that...? You're perfect for me, you complete me."

You denied his claims, sobbing as you listed your insecurities

"Your insecurities don't define you, you're so much more than that - I wouldn't of picked you to be my love if I didn't think you'd be adequate."

He wasn't sure if you were still listening but he pushed past his doubts

Adjusting you in his embrace

"I- I'm not sure if I'm comforting you....I'm not good at being the gentle hand, I want you to see how I see you - you're kind, charming and always keeping me in awe, you mean so much to me, I'll trade anything I could just to see you smile - I love you."

Mammon:

There can only be one self loathing idioit in this relationship

He refuses to let you feel like how he has

His forced confidence - you could easily see through it - anyone could

But you were the only one who then actually helped him feel better when you did see through it

He let a few tears stray, holding you close

"did someone say something to you? I don't forgive 'em for ever making ya this upset, I'm not letting you feel like this."

You shook your head, muttering that he should let you

"why should I? You're my favourite person and you've only made me happy - so let me make you happy! You're the only person who's ever treated me the way ya treat me and I won't let you hate yourself!"

He hugged you even tighter, squeezing you as he hid his face in your shoulder

"you're the best thing that's ever happened to me, okay? You always know how to make me feel better and it's my turn to make you feel better but you gotta listen to me! I lo-love you! The great Mammon loves you so badly that he just wants to kiss you every day! You're amazing and I won't forgive ya if you let yourself keep going on like this, let me support you.... please...I don't want you to go."

Levithan:

He couldn't get it

He's always been jealous of your personality and ability to make others feel good

His envy makes him despise himself - so seeing you be the same, he couldn't take it

He gave you one big squeeze

"d-don't be stupid! You're the best thing that's come into my life - even better than ruri-chan!"

You didn't believe him, he was obessed with that character

"but it's true-! If I could I'd get loads of merchandise of you too because you're my favourite person! You're just like the protagonists I read about."

His face was beat red but he was determined to make you feel better

"You're Henry, you are brave and kind, always trying your best even if that best isn't up to your own or others standards, you Inspire me! I've thought about of making a series about you...so others can feel just as happy as I do when I see you, you make me feel less insecure and like I actually mean something - why can I do to make you feel the same? You mean everything to me! I really like you....I like-like you-! I LOVE YOU AND I WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY! Let me make you feel how you make me feel because then you'll see just how amazing you are!"

Satan:

Did someone makes you feel like this or was it just your own thoughts?

If it isn't the latter he'll need to find out who's hurt you

But right now, he hugged you tighter and cradled your head

He couldn't stand to see and hear you so destressed

"did I do something to make you feel like this? I'm so sorry if I did, I don't always realize when I come off rude or hateful- I could never hate you."

You held him tight, telling him to stop

"but I need to fix it if I've hurt you and if it wasn't me then whoever did needs to keep quiet, you don't deserve these feelings."

You huffed, trying to not cry more

He gave your Shoulder a small squeeze

"you're more than enough for me, you're so good to me - sometimes I wonder if I'm good enough for you, you're always so patient with me and don't make me feel like I'm some unthinking beast, you don't think I'm lying when I be genuine and that makes me love you - I do love you - you make me feel good and I want to do the same for you, you're beyond good and I'll always be happy with the person you are and can become because I know you can do so much and always bring positivity even in the darkest times."

Asmodeus:

He's crying too

He hated of being seen as insecure

He only wanted confidence

Seeing you sob and beat on yourself like this only reminded him of his most private moments

He held you even closer, rocking you gently

"No, dear, I love you too much to let you feel like this, you're amazing to me and I think you're better than even myself, you're my number 1."

You shook your head, telling him he's lying

"I'm not, why would I lie? You're the sweetest person I know, you don't see me as some sex object - you make me feel real and happy - so so happy."

He kissed the top of your head, hiding his tear streaked face

"I want you to be happy....you deserve it, you've got only so long to live and I'm so scared that you're going to hate yourself even until you die, I don't want that! You're beautiful amazing and I could never ask for anyone better! Please- just let's work on our confidence together...okay? You're so wonderful, don't let yourself become so hateful."

Beezlebub:

He's absolutely broken

How didn't he realize you felt this bad about yourself??

He didn't even realize he was crying aswell, just holding you close as his mind screamed at him

"did something make you feel like this? It hurts to hear you say these things."

You shook your head before nodding, muttering you just won't talk anymore

"I didn't mean that, I always want you to be open with me and if not me, atleast one of my brother's."

He picked you up, placing you in a more comfortable position and held you close to his chest

"I love you, it took me awhile to realize that but I do, you make me feel full and happy - like I just ate a big buffet of warm cakes and dishes, I'm always warm when I'm with you, I don't believe you're not good enough - you're kind to me and never judge me for eating, you help me with working out but most importantly, you fixed my family and brought my twin back, I don't know how to make you see how much that means to me and I don't want you to feel bad about yourself when you're always the best person in the room - you're really great."

Belphegor:

"just let me die"

Those words hurt him so bad

He was like that, he demanded to be left to Rot with his own self loathing when Lilith died

He pulled you close to his chest as he grabbed your shoulder

"You're not allowed to feel like this, you've done nothing to feel this much hatred towards yourself."

You told him he was wrong, crying harder

"when am I wrong? I- okay, I can be wrong but I'm not wrong about you, you're my favourite person which means I love you and I don't let my favourite people sit and cry."

He cuddled you, nuzzling his cheek against yours

"You saved me and I will never able to make it up to you, I've hurt you and I hate it- I hate that I'm a reason you get scared, don't ever let yourself rot away, when my brother's just leave me to sleep I always feel so much dread - that I'm being left to die in my bed and will never get to see their faces again - I'll never be able to see your face again....I wouldn't be able to take it.....seeing you everyday makes me want to leave my bed and always make sure you smile, let me make you smile again."

#obey me #obey me shall we date #gamingclubpresident #aracadejohn217 9 #obey me mammon #obey me mc #obey me asmodeus #obey me satan #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #obey me luficer #obey me levithan #obey me imagine #obey me x mc #obey me x reader #obey me headcanon #obey me headcanons #obey me angst #angst

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ventiskies · 4 years

Text

Lone Traveler | Venti

pairing: venti x hurt! reader

summary: you often clear out hilichurl camps with amber and the knights but the one time you do it alone, something had to happen to you. fortunately, a certain (cute) bard had came to your rescue and come to send you back.

a/n: my first genshin fic!! of course it had to be venti hehe, hope you like it and massive apologies if he’s ooc/for any errors! send requests if youd like >3<

Fighting the hilichurls at night had become a hobby you recently developed after going out on random ‘clearing’ trips with the Knights of Favonius, specifically Amber, who on every occasion after the mission, treats you and Paimon to Good Hunter’s sticky honey roast.

All of you were a good team, whenever there was a bigger monster, you knew someone would always have your back, and every mission had always presented success, the worst injuries only being a few deep scratches that Barbara could heal easily.

But one day, you had decided that it was probably the perfect time to go out and venture alone. The knights were busy and feeling confident fighting by yourself, you had taken the opportunity. Paimon had stayed back, claiming that she doesn't want to go if the day wouldn't end with honey roast (not that she helps anyways), but you hadn’t minded, saying that you were just going not far out and if you don't return by morning, then she should maybe try and find you.

Though seeing as you had never done a solo venture out of Mondstadt before, it was no surprised you had gone lost in the woods as soon as you had entered the thick trees.

You had been walking for a while, and suddenly, you saw a small campfire. Assuming it was a friendly traveler such as yourself and in with your heart that had been beating with slight fear and uneasiness, you had quickly ran towards them without thinking twice hoping they would help you find your way back before the sun rose. but when you got closer, you had realized it was in fact, not a person. and when you had come to that conclusion, it had been too late as the first monster that had spotted you shot an arrow directly towards you, alarming the rest of the batch.

This was bad

You successfully were able to avoid the first arrow, but the moment got you distracted and in a blink of an eye, you found yourself being pushed and thrown by the force of a shield of a Mitachurl charging full speed at you. you feel your feet start to burn as they were dragged against the rough grass, and the painful sensation as you hit headfirst against the rubble.

“Ouch...” you groan quietly, reaching out to rub your head, but the moment you had pulled back, the hilichurls roared, as if releasing a battle cry to alarm the others.

Fuck

Deciding to be smart, you had gotten up and ran (half limped) away, finding it difficult to outrun the group of monsters but managing to get far enough to be out of sight from them who you definitely took note to deal with in the morning,

Or make someone else deal with them, you had thought as you sat down on the stone, thankful that you were able to trudge towards the big tree just outside Mondstadt and inspected the damage it had done to you. only then had you realized that the hand you had used to cover your head was sticky and moist, and the moment you focused, you saw it was red. you were bleeding.

Just great.

You looked up at the sky, blanketing Teyvat with litters of stars that had offered a little comfort at the moment; and released a small sigh. it was dark and you were lost, although you could just take the path back to Mondstadt, there was a high chance the monsters were waiting for you as stupid as they could be, and you really didn't think you could fight them at the moment with the gash on your leg and your bleeding head.

You shut your eyes tight, silently wishing that you hadn't decided to be so brave and venture on your own and regretting not forcing Paimon to come with you. this was it, you were over. sometimes you wished your other sibling was here for you. they’d know what to do.

But not a minute later, you feel it. a light breeze, a gust of wind passing just through you, as if gently caressing. you shivered, what was that?

It had been too brief to be a random wind passing, and when you opened your eyes, you understood why.

The moment you opened your eyes, you found yourself staring back into an unfamiliar pair of aqua orbs, wide and curious staring right into your soul, extremely close for your comfort. so naturally, as one who had just opened their eyes after trying to calm down after a fight and had assumed was alone would do, you screamed at the top of your lungs and moved back, trying to get as far as the strange person was from you.

“Woah, hey- calm down!” the person says, alarmed that you had started to run away from him. he starts to walk closer to you, and you assumed he was about to shut your mouth from how he had both hands outstretched over each other, so you only screamed harder.

“Okay, okay! I won't hurt you, see? I’m not going to hurt you,” he says gently, eyes wide as if he was also afraid, trying to calm you down, and once you did, he smiles, “there we go. hey there! the name’s Venti, you okay?”

“What?” you asked in disbelief, because who was this person?! Why was he here? Were you being kidnapped? Is this a dream?

Venti frowns, “hey, don't look at me like that!” he says feigning offence, “you’re y/n, right? I saw you running away from those monsters earlier, you got beat really bad,”

“H-How did you know...?” you asked, slowly standing up, looking up at him as he had been taller than you, “and I’m a traveler and I know how to fight, I just... got surprised,” you insisted, not wanting to seem weak in front of the boy. you couldn’t see well, but you could tell he had dark blue to black hair with short twin braids (that strangely reminded you of the statue of the seven that had granted you with the power of anemo just before you had arrived in mondstadt).

He looked so familiar, yet you were certain you had never seen him.

“Oh, I just know,” he smiles, offering you a hand, “can you stand?”

“Are... are you from Mondstadt?” you ask, hesitant to take his hand. you glance down at his vision, a proud anemo symbol displayed on it. you hear Venti chuckle.

“Yeah!” he says, “but, not always. I mean,” he pauses, “if you’ll try to find me there, you won't be able to. I’m a bard,” he adds, as if it would help you understand better, “but you can trust me, don’t worry. I know this place well,”

“I’m perfectly capable,” you shook your head at his claims, “where did you even come from?!”

“I told you! I saw you running from those hilichurls and decided to come and help,” he pouts, arm dropping to his side, “Come on, you're hurt. I know you're capable but... I’ll-I’ll just bring you back to Mondstadt so I can know you arrived safely, promise!”

“I dont know...” you look around, fiddling with your fingers in fear. it was dark, and you weren't usually afraid of it or even the least bit bothered, but with what you had endured just minutes before, you were surely not going to return alone.

Sensing this, Venti breaks into a smile, “great! come on, now, I wouldn't let a fellow traveler go back alone! especially not the honorary knight!”

Deciding not to ask how he knew these things, you decided to take his hand and follow his lead towards Mondstadt, or at least, hope you were heading there now. you didn’t want to trust this self proclaimed ‘bard’, but the options were limited, and you really didn’t want to choose death in the obvious sense, which was in the hands of a hilichurl, probably found by Paimon a few hours later.

On your way back, you find out that Venti was definitely talkative. he had asked you a bunch of questions, and even offered to sing you some of his songs. the sun had slowly begun to rise just far into the horizon as you listened to the bard’s chatter, casually slipping in a few jokes that had the two of you laughing so hard that you had to stop for a moment at one point. and although he might be doing it out of pity for your bleeding (now dried up) head, you still felt warm whenever he talked passionately about Mondstadt and its people as if he ruled over them, albeit being quite mischievous.

You found your chemistry somewhat a match, as if… as if you had met him before.

Thankfully, there weren’t any hilichurls blocking the path on the way, so you didn’t have to deal with them anymore (or at least, for the time being. it was as if they had all left as soon as Venti arrived... or he had cleared them out the moment he saw you running away from them. either way, you were thankful the journey wasn't bothered)

“Here we are! Mondstadt! the city of freedom!” Venti smiles, his smile on par with the rising sun’s as he finally lets your hand go the moment you arrive at the bridge- that had been the moment you realized he had been holding your hand the whole time. gosh, I really trusted someone to bring me home.

“Well, I did bring you home, didn’t I?” Venti laughs, and you bite your cheek, feeling flustered that you had accidentally said your thought out loud, “I guess this is where we part!”

“Huh?” you asked, dumbfounded, “wait, where will you be going?”

Venti merely smiles, bowing dramatically for a brief moment, “around,” he states vaguely, “farewell, young one!”

“You’re saying that as if you’re not young yourself,” you mumbled, and at that, Venti bursts out laughing, causing you to look at him weirdly, “what? Isn’t that true?”

“you have no idea how many times I get that,” he wipes a tear dramatically, “well, until we meet again, traveler! be careful next time, or i might as well have to find you again,” he jokes, before waving you off, walking away from the bridge and back out the path and into the woods, where he disappears through the thick trees without turning back.

What an odd person.

So the next day, when you had ventured further than the usual route the knights cleared out, you silently hope you’d find him again.

#genshin impact #genshin impact x reader #genshin impact imagines #genshin impact venti #venti x reader #genshin impact venti x reader #genshin venti #genshin x reader #genshin venti x reader

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artreider · 3 years

Text

Let's try to get this final live blog on my station 19 rewatch done. I'm currently laid up on my couch in mild pain but unable to do anything else.

I don't really like flashback episodes but i want one for the premiere since we are jumping so far ahead. I hate that this episode starts with a fight. But damn knowing what the fight is over, i love how loyal andy is to maya in this episode. Something ive wanted for her and the team. Qnd also jaina looks gorgeous.

The fire scene yay another fire on the fire show lmao. Feel like we missed some last year which im sure was covid related.

The marina scene ugh chefs kiss. I love how happy and giddy they are. I do wish we couldve gotten to see some of their month apart communication and their quarantining apart those two weeks when carina got back. I wrote a little something related to that and i may share before the premiere of season 5.

The quiet moment between carina saying her morning was better than those 6 weeks and then asking about mayas folks was a beautiful and real moment and i love it. So brief it could be overlooked but great choice for team.

The little bit of danielle and stefania that was them and adlibbed in this episode was so great also.

I love that rhey addressed how everyone was able to attend maskless and how safe the wedding was keeping the real world element in. Also vic love you and your chicken dance comment makes me sad that we didnt get it.

Vics parents trying to talk to her about theo is so cute.

Poor lawyer she'd be good for dean.

I understand some people dont come out until late in life but that is hard to hear that you havent loved the person youve been with for decades like you do this new person. That would hurt me so much to hear, like i couldve been with someone who is my great love if youd told me sooner. I love/hate this storyline for travis family.

Ugh if this fire had gone on any longer those poor kids and elderly couple.

Haha andy you should wait until someone answers the door for you when visiting almost newlyweds or people who've been seperated for 6 weeks lmao.

Also maya's excuse and none wet (shower) sex hair i love it.

Ugh sullivan trying to defend himself makes me so upset.

Bailey giving ben hell about second and third opinions is funny, like i figure shed be all for it.

Inara and marcus leaving jack is sad. I hope we still get to see marsha in season 5. Also if they do pair jack and jo itd be a bit ironic. I mean jo too had an abusive ex like inara.

Also jack and his marsha have similar eyes, itd be something if it came out she really was his mom.

I dont understand how maya hadnt settled on what to wear she's queen of the clipboard lmao. Just goes to show how some things throw us off course. Also i totally get her saying her outfit choice will define her forever. I judge my look in my wedding photos all the time and feel like other people do as well.

Why do i feel like this exchange between maya and carina was mostly adlibbed? It just feels so fun.

This poor family and ugh i couldnt imagine having to make the tough calls of firefighters/fire captains.

Love that all the fire crew helped put the wedding on.

I understand travis emotion here.

How'd this conversation about maya's folks get started with andy???

I love that maya and andy's friendship is restored. Also famous last words maya, dont speak the bad juju into existence.

Dean you shouldve spoken up there.

Why the chief there? I live in a city and the chief aint showing up for a house call that needs a few units. At least not until fire is out of they for some reason cant get it out.

Lmao maya freaking out about wearing the same thing as carina. Andy therapizing maya is funny.

That poor boy.

The dad comments to ben are beautiful. Also love that so many of the team know how dean feels about vic.

So why is travis getting dressed separately than the rest of his team. I mean i know its because he doesnt know about Dean's feelings and pushes vic to give theo a chance as well as allow theo and travis to talk but come on. He wouldnt get ready separately.

Also what was the point of theo going to that room if not to get ready. Sorry just annoying.

I wish carina had had someone mention andrew to her. Whether ben, bailey, maya or even any of the fire team who worked on the call with him during the crossover awhile back. Her grief during this day of happiness should've been acknowledged, even with just a remembrance table for him amd other family she lost to covid.

I do love this beautiful moment with vic though saying this isnt all just for maya.

Oh my how i love the maya confronting her father. She is the brave i want to be. Also what she says to her mom, yes chefs kiss. However when her mom shows up at the wedding, really the woman couldnt grab a nice shirt or dress to wear on her way out or on her way to the wedding.

I also love the look of pride on maya's moms face both at the house and the wedding.

Im sad we probably wont get any moments of her living with marina due to the time jump.

Ugh the choice that cost maya her promotion but ahouldnt have.

Also with all maya's options for clothes, couldnt they had dressed her mama in something borrowed from maya. Lol im sorry it bothers me so.

Vic's song for the intro is beautiful. Barrett has a beautiful voice.

Maya is so happy her mom is there and i love it. Also in my head at least one person videoing is doing it for the greys family who couldnt make it to the wedding for carina.

I also love maya singing along with vic to carina.

Queen of the clipboard forgetting to write her vows is special and funny. I love carina talking her down from a panic attack. Also her simple vow is beautiful and how carina who probably did write her vows saying we're good instead of reading them after seeing maya's mom in attendance and the look shared is everything.

I truly believe that was the moment she 100% knew maya had changed from end of season 3, was definitely all the way in. She knew what it meant for maya's mom to be there.

Love the dance montage and improved marina kiss.

Another healing theo and travis talk.

Sullivan just cant let it go and ugh trying to justify it. I just cant, still not over it. Even if he isnt captain in season 5 it still isnt right.

Sullivan you cant say you have the teams back then saying you can control them and throwing maya under the bus. Those are contradictory.

This jack and andy conversation is interesting.

This marina conversation is funny but sad when you know the end of the episode.

Its so funny that so few people know about Miller's feelings at this point.

It'll be interesting to see the travis, vic and theo in season 5.

Ben and bailey are so cute.

Wish we couldve had conversations at the wedding with maya and her mom or carina and maya's mom or the 3 of them.

Inara is so wise. I hate this for all 4 of them.

Gotta love the ole grab em and pull em back to kiss them and let them know how you really feel tremmett moment.

Too late dean, they tried to tell you.

I love marina dancing in the background ugh sullivan and the surrera rehashing.

Time for the horrible news ugh.

Everyone just looking at marina and knowing is horrible.

Great season, great episode and im looking forward to whats next.

Thank you to everyone thats been following my rewatch blogging, and for all the kind comments. I appreciate it so much, made the summer so fun.

#station 19 #marina #maya bishop #carina deluca #maya and carina #maya x carina #andy herrera #robert sullivan #dean miller #ben warren #jack gibson #inara #victoria hughes #travis montgomery #maya and carina station 19 #carina x maya #miranda bailey #theo ruiz #emmett dixon

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faithinthefuture28 · 5 years

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Larry songs timeline & what it tells us about the evolution of their relationship

**These are all just my interpretations but the more I listen to the music they wrote, the more it all fits together. ESPECIALLY BECAUSE THROUGHOUT THE YEARS THEY’VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT WRITING “AUTOBIOGRAPHICALLY” AND “FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE”

I deffo missed some songs but these stood out to me:

2013

L-Strong: Love isn’t easy (waves trying to break it) but what we have means something and it’s worth fighting for. read: love is only for the brave (Think of how much love that’s been wasted...there’s nothing i’m running from...i don’t care, I’m not scared of love) And we bring out the best in each other so lets not throw this away (i’d do anything to save it...when i’m not with you i’m weaker).

H-Happily: I want to fight for us too bc we’re on fire and our love is powerful af. ik we have to do stunts and stuff (and if (s)he feels my traces in your hair, sorry love but I don’t really care) but what we have is insane and fuck everyone else bc you’re MINE and i’m YOURS at the end of the day (i wanna be the one who holds you when you sleep). Together, we’re magic so just be with me so happily

H-Something Great: ****this song is very straightforward so i won’t explain it much***** (i want you here with me like how i pictured it so i dont have to keep imagining... We’re better off together here tonight). Written as a longing for what could be if they dont have to suppress the relationship. (script was written...want to rip it all to shreds) Louis’ response (you’re all I want so much it’s hurting) basically says “it’s not too much to ask babe, i want it too.” This has the kind of longing that ‘wouldn’t it be nice- beach boys’ which Harry has admitted is kind of a theme song.

L-Through the Dark: I know all this bs we’re going through is taking a toll on you and hurts you and i hate seeing you upset (you tell me that your sad...you tell me that you’re hurt and youre in pain and i can see your head is held in shame...i just wanna see you smile again) but I will do everything physically possible to protect you from any pain bb (i’d never let you fall and break your heart, if u wanna cry or fall apart, i’ll be there to hold ya). We’re going through this together and I will take on any responsibility needed to keep you happy. I’M WILLING TO GO THROUGH HELL TO FIGHT FOR US HARRY LOVE (entire chorus basically).

L-Better than Words: holy fuck our love is amazing can’t even describe it can i just sing to you foreva love u babycakes

L-Why don’t we go there: what if...we just forgot about the world and escaped and enjoyed each others love and rode the high??? Also sex

2014

L-Ready to Run: *******Followup to Why Don’t We Go There*********** But this time let’s escape for real bc (there’s me inside a sinking boat running out of time). Like i’m ready to get out of here and it could just be us living happily ever after (this time i’m ready to run). Honestly nothing else makes sense (without you i’ll never make it out alive...wherever you are is the place i belong). I know what i want out of life and IT’S YOU HARREH (i want to be free and i wanna be yours, i will never look back).

L-Steal My Girl: all u thirsty hoes find someone else bc Harry is MY pretty princess. Srsly ask his family. But you can still admire how he looks in those jeans. We all do. You know the ones

L-No Control: boy u fine, let’s do what lovers do IN THE MORNING. bc we can. also you own me and i am urs

L-Clouds: WE KNEW THIS WAS GONNA BE HARD SO WHY ARE YOU BEING A LITTLE BITCH (you dont like it complicated...but love is never ever simple...you are tired of all the changes, but love is always always changing). We could be great yo, just keep fighting (if we’re never coming back down, we’ll looking down on the clouds...we go and we go and we dont stop)

H-Where do Broken Hearts Go: IM SORRY LOU BABY YOURE EVERYTHING (rest of my crimes dont come close the look on your face when i let you go... the taste of your lips...is at the top of the list of things i want). H&L’s call and response at the end is basically forgiveness and acknowledgment (come on baby come and get me out, come on baby cuz i need you now)

H-Two Ghosts: *****was written around this time according to Harry******. This is fucking hard yo. We’re drained and exhausted and idk how much more we can fight for this... (it’s not you and it’s not me...sounds like something that i used to feel). That infatuation and electricity and hope that fueled our younger selves isn’t really there anymore and i’m just tired man (we’re just two ghosts swimming in a glass half empty, trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat, we’re not who we used to be...this was all we used to need). We’re empty vessels going through the motions (same eyes blue, couple more tattoos). AND WE AREN’T FUCKING COMMUNICATING (we dont say what we really mean).

2015

H&L-Perfect: so what if... we get rid of the pressure of forever? What if we just have fun doing the stupid shit we love and makes us feel alive (trouble up in hotel rooms, secret little rendezvous, things you know that we shouldn’t do). Like we won’t be out of each others’ lives, I’m still around and we can find comfort in each other and even mess around here and there (I can be the one you love from time to time). Remember how we used to be young and EXCITED (when i first saw you from across the room, i could tell that you were curious) let’s get that energy back without the responsiblity of an adult relationship. And we can keep making art lmao (if youre looking for someone to write your breakup songs about).

L-Long Way Down *****this song fkn hurts man. It’s overlooked a lot but shows so much insight**** We were...everything. And maybe that’s the problem? We’ve been through so fucking much, more than anyone our age should have to endure. (We've been in fire, Went down in the flames. We sailed the ocean And drowned in the waves. Built a cathedral But we never prayed) We didn’t know what we had. We were damn kids man. We weren’t prepared for all this. We didn’t know how powerful this would be. We didn’t know what it required of us. (We had a mountain But took it for granted. We had it all yeah. Who could’ve planned it). We didn’t know what to do with it, how to deal with it, so here we are. (We had a spaceship But we couldn't land it) We’re each other’s everything, but we can’t keep going on like this babe. (We found an island But we got stranded). I don’t want to leave you but being together is breaking us down. (Point of no return and now It's just too late to turn around) We thought we were untouchable. That love conquers all. Maybe, we were wrong. This is gonna hurt like a bitch (We built it up so high and now I'm fallin', it’s a long way down)

H-Olivia: I LIVE FOR YOU, I LONG FOR YOU, I LOVE YA. And i think i’ll always love ya. And I’m scared...of life without you (i get the feeling you’re walking out, time is irrelevant when i’ve not been seeing you, the consequences are falling now, there’s something i’m having nightmares about...dont let me go). But maybe just maybe thats okay, because you’re AIMH (you live in my imagination...i love you, it’s all i do).

L-Love you Goodbye: I fucking love you and I’ll always fucking love you but i think this is the right thing to do even though it feels so wrong (i know there’s nothing i can do to change it, but is there something that can be negotiated?) We made some goddamn fireworks together though (unforgettable together held the whole world in our hands) and do ya maybe think...we can make them just once more? (if tomorrow you wont be mine, let me give it to you one last time, baby let me love you goodbye...one more taste of your lips just to bring me back to the places we’ve been and the nights we’ve had because if this is it, then at least we could end it riiiiight). ********in the interview with our FAVE Gwen Garcia, she asked if it’s better to say goodbye and end a relationship that’s not feeling right or keep trying even if your heart’s not in it. Harry responds with “I think it’s better to say goodbye...but sometimes if youre trying to protect..” Then Louis cuts him off and says “you’re going deep aren’t you”, brushing the question off as a joke but imho i think there was pain in that answer. Then Harry continues “if you’re not 100% in it, I think it’s better for both parties if you say goodbye”. And Louis adds a “yeah” at the end.********

H-Walking in the Wind: I know this is scary but i think we can do it, (you said to me do you believe i’ll be too far? if youre lost just look for me you’ll find me) I think because youre AIMH and i’m always in yours, it’ll be good for us. And look at us being mature, we’re killing it babe. We can live our separate lives and grow on our own. We dont need to make it messy and hurtful. We’re on the same page. (the fact that we can sit right here and say goodbye means we’ve already won. A necessity for apologies between you and me, baby there is none). At this point, we’re kinda part of each other right? So it’s healthy for us to be apart for a bit. (it’s not the end, i’ll see your face again... i know we’ll be alright...just close your eyes and see i’ll be by your side any time you need me). And you’ve helped me grow into the person I am, and I you, so that’s cool as hell, right? (you will find me in places that we’ve never been). We had a TON of fun (we had some good times didnt we) so i feel okay that we’re doing this (goodbyes are bittersweet) and starting the next adventure in our lives.

H-If I could fly: I. am. yours. Louis. William. Tomlinson. (for your eyes only, i’ll show you my heart). Maybe this growth thing isn’t worth it, let me prove to you how much you mean to me (i think i might give up everything just ask me to). This is gonna be hard as shit because i’m so dependent on you (i’m missing half of me when we’re apart). I’m being honest and I’m being scared and I’m being vulnerable because I can’t lie to you and pretend I’m strong (i let my guard down, right now i’m completely defenseless). But we’re part of each other, right? (i could feel your heart inside of mine). I’ll always be here for you Lou (for when you’re lonely and forget who you are) even if for now we can’t physically be together.

L-Home: I’ve tried, Harry. I’ve tried to play pretend (told myself i kind of like her but there was something missin in her eyes). But i was lost (i was stumblin, lookin in the dark with an empty heart) because none of it was enough, none of it was YOU (it was there i sawr it in your eyes). And then i met you and you felt the same and we’re both lost souls playing pretend who found magic in each other (but you say you feel the same, could we ever be enough?) Is our love enough to overcome everything? Maybe we can be enough. Maybe I can make this enough, let me try to make it enough for you. And if we go our separate ways, know that I’m here for you no matter what. I won’t let you be lost again. (When you’re lost I’ll find a way and I’ll be your light, you will never feel like you’re alone, I’ll make this feel like home). So go. wander. find yourself. Then when you’re ready, come home.

2016-2017

H- Sweet Creature: ***Harry admit that this was the first song he wrote for the album**** We aren’t in the best place rn. We’ve been fighting (had another talk about where it’s going wrong...it’s hard when we argue, we’re both stubborn). But it’s you Louis. It can’t be anyone else. (don’t know where we’re going but we know where we belong... wherever I go, you bring me home). That’s not even a question. I’m still trying to figure out who I am, but the one thing I know is that a large part of who I am is you (we started 2 hearts in one home). And aint no way I’m losing that part of myself (when i run out of road, you bring me home). It was always you.

H-MMITH: Whenever you’re ready, I’m ready (just let me know i’ll be at the door, hoping you’ll come around). I know I need to work on myself a little more (i gotta get better, and maybe we’ll work it out) but honestly i’m getting impatient and i want things to go back to how they were and i want to be yours again (once you go without it, nothing else would do). But I can’t communicate this to you clearly so let me just put this in a song and hope you get it (we dont talk about it, it’s something we dont do) ****Harry mentioned in an interview that he expresses himself through songwriting when he can’t say the words directly to a person because it’s easier to just write it in a song than have difficult conversations*****

H-ESNY: ****honestly no idea what this song is about but it’s something to do with them fighting and not communicating and being in a weird place before their relationship is rekindled******* edit: this could be about his stepdad

H-FTDT: I MISS YOU AND I’M TOO FULL OF PRIDE TO TELL YOU DIRECTLY JUST COME BACK INTO LIFE LOU I’M LONELY AND SAD AND EMPTY AND IM NOT FUCKING FINDING MYSELF LIKE YOU SAID I WOULD (woke up alone, played with myself where were you...we havent spoke since you went away, why wont you ever say what you wanna say) So until then I sit and wait for your sorry ass to make the first move (maybe one day you’ll call me and tell me that you’re sorry too...but you never do). Also like i have to hear from other people how you are?? (i saw your friend that you know from work, he said that you feel just fine) ANd you’re sharing OUR clothes with people?? wtf just swallow your pride and call me

L-Miss You: OKAY BUT I CANT JUST CALL YOU BECAUSE I HAVE PRIDE TOO also my mates are trying to make me get over you (now i’m asking my friends how to say I’m sorry, they say lad give it ttime there’s no need to worry, and we can’t even be on the phone now). So i’m just numbing your absence with partying and drinks but CLEARLY ITS NOT WORKING (should be laughing but there’s something wrong...shit maybe i miss you...when i feel it coming up i just throw it all away, get another few shots cuz it doesn’t matter anyway...such a good time, i’ll believe it this time). This is weird bc like you were my everything but im trying to get used to this and it fucking sux (oh how shit changes, we were in love, now we’re strangers). And tbh, its scary af bc what if this is it (i’m asking myself, is it over?). BUT ALSO LIKE WTF U COULD REACH OUT FIRST YA KNOW (i’ve been checking my phone all evening).

H-Anna: wtf Louis how do you not see how much this is killing me. I miss you so much and seeing you on tv or in pics drives me wild bc you’re not mine. (I don’t want your sympathy but you don’t know what you do to me...everytime I see your face there’s only so much I can take...I guess it would be nice if I can touch your body). And idk if you’re replacing me (don’t know where you’re laying, just know it’s not with me) and we’re in SUCH a weird place rn how do I tell u you’re the loml (don’t know what I’d say if I passed you on the street...don’t know what I’d tell you if you asked me for the truth) so I refuse to put this song on the album and let you know this and give you satisfaction from knowing how gone I still am for you bc I have 0 idea how you feel (hope you never see this and know that it’s for you)

L-Always You: SO THIS IS ME SWALLOWING MY PRIDE STANDING IN FRONT OF YOU SAYING IM SORRY FOR THAT NIGHT... ok but fr i miss u i miss u i miss u i miss u and nothing else compares like i can travel the whole world and all i think about is how much more fun it was with you and the memories we shared and i wish i could just say thx fr th mmrs and move on but actually no thx actually fuck you for making me not able to enjoy my life without you. So like...come home? and wrap your legs around me? also lmao i took El to a gay bar in amsterdam for her bday lmao i miss u come cuddle me and i’ll tell you all about it

L-We Made It: looks like we made it, look how far we’ve come my baby. They saidd I bett they’ll never make it, but just look at us holding onn, we’re still togetherr, still going stronggg. Also to the fans, miss our single bed and the nights we talked about our dreams :-* also Andrew my man luv u

2018-2019

L-KMM: our love was youthful and exhilarating and fucking electric and i think it still can be. dont know what i’d do without you now H

L-DLIBYH: We’re strong babe and we’ve grown and we aren’t gonna let life drag us down. I’m doing better, you’re doing better, this is what we wanted. And now any shit we go through, we’ll go through TOGETHER

L-Too Young: Okay but looking back, that was a lot of shit we went through and we were just babies and i’m sorry for not fighting harder (i cant believe i gave in to the pressure when they said a love like this would never last so i cut you off cuz i didnt know no better) baby i tried, i tried to protect you but like it was just so much and i hate that you got hurt and i wont ever let that happen again. ALso go us for being mature and COMMUNICATING (face to face at the kitchen table, we can finally have a conversation that I wish we could’ve had before). ANd i know you’re an arrogant son of a bitch who can’t admit when he’s sorry so here let ME say i’m sorry that i hurt you darling. Like we were too young to know we had everything BUT now we’re old(er) and can realize that when we’re together, we DO have everything now and omg is this our happily ever after and we can have a daughter and name her Darcy

L-Habit: do i need to spell it out for you iiiiii aaaaaaaaammmmmmm sssssssoooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyy. But tbh i let you go because it felt right because mentally you were already out the door and i needed to give you room to grow babe. And i needed the space too (you gave me the time and the space i was out of control and i’m sorry i let you down). but like also i’ve learned i can’t escape you Styles. You’re always in my fucking heart and my fucking mind and in every essence of my being and somehow I knew that 9 years ago and it took me this long to realize how powerful this really is (guess that that i know what i already knew, i was better with you and i miss you now). Ooooh also my favorite line i wrote (took some time cuz i ran out of energy of playing someone I heard I’m supposed to be and honestly i dont have to choose anymore) like who am i kidding, im done pretending i just wanna be yoursss now

L-Defenseless: I can’t help it okay theres something about you that doesn’t let me stay away. I need you and I know that rekindling this relationship isn’t going to be easy even though it feels so so right. It’s going to be hard work (sleeping on our problems but we’ll solved them in our dreams, wake up early morning and it’s still under the sheets) and we need to communicate and solve our problems but here I am, raw and unfiltered and emotionally naked in front of you ready to lay it all on the table (not sure how to say this right, got so much to lose. NEver been so defenseless). So like this branch I’m reach out to you and you be honest with me too babe (you dont have to keep on being strong for me and you. Acting like you feel no pain, you know i know you do...I can’t get inside, when you’re lost in your pride but you don’t have a thing to prove). Be open with me. Lets talk. Let’s solve problems. Lets have an adult relationship. I’m asking for a little vulnerabiltiy babe. It’s just me. Theres nothing to be scared of

L-Walls: And here you have me in my purest form. No lies, no secrets, no insecurities to hide behind. Losing you was fucking painful but i got through it. I’ve been through hell and back and I’ve fought. And without you, I grew into the person I am. And any further growing i’m doing is gonna be with you. bc it was all for you babe. and honestly i can take anything life throws at me now. I’m strong baby. I’m fucking strong and fucking brave and fucking resilient and...fucking yours. ***** wtf is the I just hope i see you one day and you’ll say to me oh oh********

H-Golden: You are the literal sun and I’m not ready. YOU’RE SUCH A GOOD PERSON (you were way too bright for me, i’m hopeless, broken, so you wait for me in the sky). I’m scared to go through this alone, I need your comfort and your guidance (i can feel you take control of who i am and all i’ve ever known). But you’re scared to go through this with me bc you dont wanna get hurt and i’m too open so where tf does that leave us. ******this could be about coming out especially with the London AND NY secret shows where Harry added the lyric I’m hoping someday you’ll open*******

H-Adore You: You dont have to say you love me, you dont have to say nothing, you dont have to say you’re mine. I’d walk through fire for you. Just let me adore Lou. Like its the only thing I’ll ever do. read: Louis is a great person to just admire what he’s like. ALso I dont need anything back. I just dont want to hide my love for you anymore. I don’t need answers or promises. Just let me adore you. ********the music video is also basically a Louis appreciation post. He was the boy with the smile that the world took away from him. He found Harry lost and loved him and nurtured him and made him confident and allowed him to be who he wanted to be. But in doing so, Harry became big and unsatisfied and wanted to explore the world and was clearly interested in Hollywood and Rockstardom especially evident in his behavior 2014-2015. And Louis wasn’t about that life and didn’t want to hold him back. So he let him free. But they realized that they don’t work apart. Wherever they’re going, they’re going together, as the boy sails into the unknown following the fish. I see it as Harry’s version of “this one is a thank you for what you did for me” ************* I see it, I appreciate it, and I love you for it

H-Lights Up: ****fight with Louis. (What do you mean I’m sorry by the way) About coming out? About fame? (Step into the light, so bright sometimes) Either way, L is the guy driving the motorcycle in the video who makes H feel comfortable and safe until they get pulled over because SOMEONE wont let them love*******

H-Falling: What if i’m out, what if i’m someone you won’t talk about? Okay maybe I lied I do want you to claim me. Would me coming out of the closet make that hard for you? I CAN’T GO THROUGH AN IDENTITY CRISIS WITHOUT YOU LOU. I picked someone supportive and now I’m spoiled and I dont know how to be with myself. You want back in my life but what if I dont deserve it? (you said you cared and you missed me too...what i’m someone i dont want around). What if you’re better off without me? (i get the feeling that you’ll never need me again). I know youve been through so much shit because of me, things you’ve never even told me about and im afraid...that I wasn’t worth it. Am I being selfish? because either way, i want YOU (what if you’re someone i just want around). Does that make me a bad person?

H-TBSL: ****Probably when they starting talking again but it was v casual and they didn’t really discuss their relationship yet*****. I MISS U BUT I WONT TELL U THAT and its nice to talk to u again i missed your voice but if u call me baby i will kill u bc that word has weight OKAY. Like i know you just call everyone babe and darling and sweetheart but baby is FOR ME and only for me when you wake up with me and cuddle me and if you think you have any right calling me baby without giving the luxury of being in a relationship with you then piss off because that shit hurts dude. (i know that you’re trying to be friends, know that you mean it...it’s hard for me to go home to be so lonely). ALso it’s not my fault i’m like this, you literally captured my heart when i was 16 like wtf do u expect (dont blame me for falling, i was just a little boy)

H-Sunflower Vol. 6: we were babies and i was so enamored by you and you’re so bright and beautiful and i want to watch you all day and make you smile and i want you to touch my hair and call me curly and i hope im not making you uncomfortable with my heart eyes but like how are you so perfect. I hope you think i’m cool, i’m really trying but like you’re SO FUNNY and charming and everyone loves you i hope im not embarassing myself. And now it’s like 8 years later and i think i can have you again and i want you so bad but i dont wanna seem too eager and im trying to have dignity and not text you first but like also i want nothing more than to talk to you. Do you think i’m cool now? did you like my new hairstyle? Do you think i’m funny on tour? I want everything i want to be domestic again and kiss in the kitchen and i want to cook for you and as;ldfa;sdhaf i want to buy you flowers everyday and shower ur cute face with kiss. boopx28

H-Canyon Moon: Hell yea i got ma man back and i have a girlfriend named Jennifer ;) and we are domestic and even though I HATE being away from him for work (so hard to leave it) we have the 2 week rule yall then i can wrap my legs around him and after so so so long I’ll be h.o.m.e. Also did i tell you his eyes are so so blue like sky who i dont know her

H-TPWK: So we’re really doing this. We don’t need to have it all figured out. We can just be us. and happy. and dance. The world loves us babe. (Giving second chances, I don’t need all the answers and if we’re here long enough we’ll see it’s all for us and we’ll belong)

H-Fine Line: You’ve got my devotion but man I can hate you sometimes....We’ll be a fine line. Between what? love and hate? public and private? out and in the closet? each others’ and ourselves? Idk. But i’m going to swallow my pride (my hands at risk I fold) because no matter what, the worst possible outcome is not having you. And I never wanna go through that again. I know we have work to do on our relationship (spreading you open is the only way I know you). And there’s lot of unknown here (there’s things that we’ll never know) but what i do know is that i cant resist you (you sunshine you temptress) and i cant be without you ever again. I think it’ll be hard as hell. But when have we known love as anything but hard? And when have we known our love as anything but worth it? We’ll be a fine line baby. But i know, i knowww with every part of me that we’ll be alright. Because these past 10 years, we’ve been through A LOT. ANd it could have ruined us and made us cynical and cold and closed off. And I think at one point it did. But you know what we did? We fought it. We fought it together. Then we fought it individually. And we became BRAVE. And a brilliant man once said, “love is only for the brave”.

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doodledrawsthings · 4 years

Text

Her Aim Was Getting Better

(Ahit ““““““Coffee Shop AU”““““““ rp log)

This is part of an RP between @displacedentities and myself detailing the meet-up between Luka and Vanessa, when she spikes his coffee with the curse. We did this a while back to get a feel for the characters and how that scene would go down, and they nailed it with how they wrote Vanessa. So I asked them if I could post it. Some of the stuff here was written before we had other things established, so some things like Hatties’s age and how long ago they split might be inconsistent with other posts I’ve made, but Enjoy!

(also forgive me for the way i write my parts, I’m not as practiced at writing rip)

(MysticDoodles) Despite the warm paper cup in her hands, Vanessa couldn't deny the chill in her bones. It had yet to go away since that day in court, biting at her skin and hovering just at the base of her brain stem. It always seemed to grow colder whenever she thought about how she got here... the things she'd said. What she almost did to that poor briefcase jockey in the courthouse.

But it didn't matter, anymore. If anything, her mom was happy she lost that case. Losing her husband and... child had stripped away all excuses she had not to throw herself into her work, and her mother was happy.

Vanessa was not happy.

In fact, she was seething.

Luka took everything from her, that day. Her love, her place in their home. His adorable smile, his laugh... they weren't hers anymore. He only gave them to that- little gremlin. The parasite that took his love away from her, her precious nickname given to their daughter.

Nobody got to be Luka's princess except Vanessa herself. Never again.

She lost the custody battle and her efforts to take Luka's obsession away from him, but she was going to make sure he lost so much more.

Vanessa waited in the autumn breeze, her fingers clenching and unclenching around the coffee cup. Chestnut-infused Columbian. His favorite. A sister cup sat opposite the table, waiting for him. If he was brave enough to show his face. .

(DeusExMakena) He could see her from his car as he pulled into the parking space, sitting at a table by the large window at the front of the coffee shop. How long had it been now? Around five years, right? Hattie was barely a year old when they split.

He used to get so excited about meeting her, being in her presence, making her smile... and now the very thought of just getting out of his car and making eye contact with her left a pit in his stomach. As much as he'd loved this woman in the past, the way she treated their newborn daughter.... he had to stop thinking about it. Starting this meeting out in an angry mood wouldn't be a good idea.

With a sigh he finally willed himself to leave the vehicle, and just as he looked up their eyes met. The pit in his stomach deepened as he walked up to the cafe doors.

(MysticDoodles) The ice crept up her neck again. Vanessa forced it down, and put up a smile. No reason to start this off as cold as the ice in her veins.

Luka can see from her attire that she's doing rather well- financially, anyway. A thick coat against the autumn chill- or maybe from her heart, so closed off- and a scarf stuffed into her bookbag. Her mother must have improved her stipend, now that they split. What a beastly woman. It's pointless to ponder what-ifs at this point, but maybe if Vanessa's mother had been someone else... no. No point.

With one hand, she gestures to the chair opposite her. Empty and waiting. "Hello, Luka. I got your favorite. You're doing well?"

...the tenor isn't as friendly as it sounds, and feels more plastic than her smile appears.

(DeusExMakena) He hesitates, looking around the venue at the other tennants before wordlessly taking the seat across from her, mostly staring at the coffee cup in front of him.

Why is he having such a hard time looking at her?

"I'm... fine," he manages to force out as he takes the cup in both hands. Come on, man just get this over with and you can go home. "So uh, what brings you here?"

He wishes he could kick himself in the face for how out of place he feels, right now. What do you even say to someone you haven't seen in years, when the last time you saw them had been after an intense battle over the custody rights of the child you fought so hard to protect?

At least the warmth of the cup in his hands provides him with some reassurance.

(MysticDoodles) Something in Vanessa's smile twitches, but it's gone before he can really tell what it was.

"Oh- I just wanted to chat, catch up on old times, you know? I'm guessing the bar exam went well?"

...

Awkward silence, as Vanessa turns her smile away. She lifts her own coffee cup to her lips and takes a long drink, looking at the pavement.When she sets it down, there's a brief moment where her fingertips looked blue. It soon fades back into perfectly trimmed nails.

"...you know why I called you here, Luka. Don't make me lie to you." Her voice grows quiet, though pensive or frustrated is difficult to parse. "You were always better at lying, anyway."

(DeusExMakena) He squints slightly at that last remark and has to do enrything in his power to hold his tongue.

"I dont, actually. With the way things ended the last time we saw eachother, I was almost sure that would be it." he says, probably with a bit more venom in his tone than he should have used, but he was here for less than 10 minutes, now, and he could already feel his patience waning.

"But if you're really just here to reconnect, you'll have to forgive me" he takes a moment to swirl the cup in front of him before lifting it towards his mouth "I'm not very good at small-talk."

Chestnut-infused Columbean bean. Cream and Sugar. So nice to know that she never forgot.

(MysticDoodles) Vanessa smiles as he takes a drink. It's gone by the time he removes the cup again.

"...sorry," she says. Her stony expression shifts into a frown. This wasn't how she expected this conversation to go- but really, she had been expecting nothing, so no pain or gain thus far. "I'm not being very polite, am I? I guess I just- missed you, Luka. It's very different, going back to my mother's apartment after-... well. Being with you."

...

Another quiet sip. Vanessa runs her finger on the plastic cap.

"...do you miss the nights after we studied, when we'd just sit on the couch together and watch garbage movies?"

Before Harriet came along, she didn't say aloud.

(DeusExMakena) Of course he did, he loved her. And as much as he'd love to revisit those moments, to relive the sense of elation he felt when he got her to laugh over awkward acting and nonsensical writing... He just couldn't forgive her for what she did.

He sighs, opting to indulge in her to see where she's going with this.

"Yeah," He takes another sip, looking back down at the table "Sometimes I still wonder why that had to stop."

(MysticDoodles) There's no way he misses the way her fingers tighten on the paper coffee cup. Especially since it's accompanied by an audible pop of paper crumpling in a half inch, and liquid sloshing within.

"They did stop, Luka."

How could he be so blind?

"They stopped when you stopped spending them with me. You spent all your time with our daughter, and not with the loving wife who gave her to you. Don't you see how unfair that is? I deserved your time, too."

Vanessa sighs, her words almost chastising. It reminded of the times she shifted into 'disappointed mother' mode around Harriet. Their one year old, at the time, who didn't understand consequences for things like dropping a toy in the sink. She even had the nerve to sound hurt as she speaks those words.

(DeusExMakena) He is absolutely apalled.

"I-" he doesnt know why he cant find the words to respond. His eyes wide and his eyebrows furrow as he glares directly at her. He shouldnt be surprised by this, really, he saw this coming. Five years, and some things will just never change.

Luka pinches the bridge of his nose, he MARRIED this woman.

"I'm sorry, are we- are we really doing this again?" He sets his coffee cup on the table with a little more force than he wanted to, "You do realize you're getting jealous over a literal one-year old that we both agreed that we wanted to have. I'm her father, I'm sorry, again, for doing my job and raising our child."

(MysticDoodles) Vanessa's long-suffering expression hardens back into stone, pouting out her lip as once more, Luka shows no signs of budging on his stance. How very lawyerlike of him. To the bitter end, he would fight for his side of the case against the opposition. She wished they didn't have to be on opposite sides, anymore, yet here she was for the second time.

"Is it so wrong that I wanted to spend more time with my husband? All toddlers need to learn to share, anyway." Vanessa shrugs, as if this were no big deal. "You never spent evenings with me, anymore, Luka. Every night that you came back from graduate classes and networking with firms, you would go right to her. The honeyed words for me didn't come until dinner, if they came at all. And don't talk to me like I wasn't a good mother- I kept her out of trouble during the day, whenever I was out of rotation."

...

"How is my little Harriet doing? It's been so long since you've squirreled her away."

(DeusExMakena) No. No, no, no, he's not doing this again

"You..." He tries to hold his tongue, but peck, he doesnt want to deal with this right now. He feels his hands ball into fists "No. I'm sorry, no, you don't get to ask how my daughter is doing. You had every opportunity to join us, no one was stopping you from being happy but yourself! You wanna talk about sharing? Then why are you throwing a fit over a over a child spending time with her father?"

...

"She wanted a relationship with you, you know. It's... really hard having to explain to a five-year-old that she doesnt get to see her mother because she was too immature to realize 'oh hey! I could hang out with both my daughter AND my husband at the same time!'" He says that last bit in a mocking tone as he picks up his coffee and goes in for another sip, glaring straight at his ex-wife with pure exasperation.

(MysticDoodles) There he goes again. His daughter.

This time, Vanessa doesn't look away as she returns the glare. The medical graduate holds unflinching eye contact as she lifts her own cup and downs half the contents. Trying to make a statement, maybe? She always did have issues with competition.

"...so where does that leave us, then? You drink the coffee I got you, and walk away? Are you really so set on burning this bridge, Luka? Things can go back to the way they were, if you really want it that way. My stipend will get us through the rest of exams, and then we can live a good life together - high paying jobs, a comfortable apartment, as many dates and trashy movie nights as we want. Doesn't that sound wonderful?"

...she didn't say a word about five-year-old Harriet.

(DeusExMakena) Luka takes a moment to stare at her, eyes half-lidded and tired.

He picks up the cup and downs the rest of his coffee, before placing it back on the table and standing up from his seat, his eyes never leaving hers.

"Allow me to light the match for you."

With that, he turns towards the door, ready to leave. Why would he feel bad about burning a bridge that leads nowhere?

(MysticDoodles) Luka can hear the squeal of the metal chair legs as Vanessa stands abruptly from her seat. There's no click of heels on riverstone, but he knows she's got her fists clenched at her sides, watching him. She always did that when she was angry. Maybe this time she'd have some ice on her wrists, now that her abilities were public. She'd put less effort into hiding it after the court case, anyway.

"YOU'RE MAKING A MISTAKE!" Vanessa yells after him as he continues, stride unbroken. "You'll regret this! You won that case, but you'll always be my prince, and I'll always be your princess!"

But legally, she couldn't touch him, now. Luka and Harriet were no longer family. He knew that, and she knew he did.

...

Oh well.

The door closes with a crnk-ling of the bell, and the background noise of the cafe starts to fade back into her awareness. Or lack thereof. Everyone nearby was staring, not that she cared.

Stiffening her upper lip, Vanessa grabs her bag and loops it back over one shoulder. She pats the side, removing the scarf off the copy of 'Ancient Botanicals & You' she'd found at the antique bookshop, and tying the garment back around her neck. With one hand she picks up Luka's cup, and looks inside.

Empty.

A smile traces her lips as she takes it along with her own, and tosses them both into the trash can.

Now all she had to do was wait and see.

#ahit #a hat in time #ahit 'coffee shop au'#The Snatcher #Queen Vanessa #fic #fanfic #kiiiinda??#displacedentities #mysticdoodles #lemme know if i should tag anything

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