#i feel bad bc she’s very young and it sounds like she drank too much and was either joking with a bad tone or just didn’t mean it

[hella1975]

found out the reason i havent seen one of my managers around lately is bc he got fired (that alone is surprising enough bc my place NEVER fires front of house bc they’re too desperate for staff, and even then back of house only ever get fired for doing actually insane shit COUGH LIKE DOING LINES IN THE KITCHEN COUGH COUGH) and it’s bc he lied about his criminal record 😀 like this man as an actual manager was like ‘yeah that weird gap on my cv is bc the job i was at previously closed. no other reason’ my brother in christ you were in PRISON

[alreadyblondenow]

The morning and evening star | Johnny Suh

Johnny Suh x female!Reader  

▸ too much fluff, too much smut, angst, prince of Egypt AU, slave reader ▸ Part of NCT Historical AU Collaboration hosted by @puppywritings ▸ In ancient Egypt, the Pharaoh is referred as “Morning and Evening Star”

Summary: Fighting the battles for his kingdom and for his ill father, Johnny, a prince of Egypt was given a beautiful gift the night before a great war starts. The given gift, which is you, gave the prince a very hard time but soon your heart softened the moment you allow yourself to get to know him. As you both fall in love sooner than expected, you thought that Johnny will give you your freedom but he can’t because that means letting you go. Johnny treated you as a gold and you became his most precious jewel. He kept you inside the palace, gave you a place to paint on and kept you in his life for as long as he can. But not long enough. 

Word count: 8,441k Warnings: Smut, Smut, Smut, its a Johnny fic what do you expect?, mentions of slavery (if that bothers you, please click away), mentions of blood, mentions of death, mentions of sadness, self doubt, possessiveness, unprotected sex, oral sex (female),  rough sex, slight exhibitionism, fingering, mentions of bruises, spitting. Mentions of other idols, and Johnny’s parents. Pregnancy, (if that bothers you please click away), mature themes, murder, family betrayal, mentions of gods bc hello its Egypt A/N: Pure fiction. Inspired by my favorite movies that I grew up watching with my family during family movie nights.. haha. (Troy, prince of Egypt, Exodus: Gods and kings, Tangled, and Gods of Egypt) 

Taglist:  @doyounglover  @puppywritings  @commentgirl @mischiefmakerliesmith5  @wonderfulkoreanpop  @ethaeriyeol @suhpersonic @sunshinedhyuck @sighreal @jb-hope94​ 

To William, thank you so much for this wonderful collab! I’m lucky enough to join last minute and I hope this fic gives justice to your wonderful collab. Thank you so much! 

On a beautiful quiet night in Egypt, under the dark sky that's full of stars, a young prince is out on the terrace to look at his kingdom and admire it even with the slightest light. The moon shines beautifully and so he expects that that is a good sign that the night will be even more beautiful.

A royal banquet is waiting for his presence. Another gathering where the richest families in Egypt wish the young prince to bring peace, victory, and finally put an end to this war against the enemies.

“I can already feel the weight of my father’s crown mother, what should I do?” Johnny asks his mother as they accompany each other to the royal banquet.

“You do the right and wises thing, my son. Be a better pharaoh than your father,” his mother advises. Caressing his son’s face before they enter the room and telling him to have long patience with the ignorant people who are going to have a word with him tonight.

When everyone welcomed both the prince and the royal wife, they all cheered happily, shouting and howling for the prince while the blaring sounds of percussion and tambourine started playing. Men and women were always mesmerized by Johnny’s perfect built, architects and sculptors are dying to make him their inspiration and make him a big statue. Even the beauty of every gold he’s wearing in his body right now has no match for his natural handsomeness and godlike features.

“My son, who has fought many battles for me over my reign since I was declared ill, will be the one who will lead you to peace and victory,” he pats Johnny’s shoulder before he continues and looked to his assistants. “So before a great war starts tomorrow, I present to you this gift,” he nods and signals his assistant to bring it in.

And when people started to make way for the gift, loud grunts, and nonstop whining were heard across the room… while the people just watched the guards drag her in to be presented to the prince. “Amusement my prince,” one of the assistants says and pushed her further in front of the prince.

Johnny then lowered himself to check the gift that's been presented to him. Left and right he turned the girl’s face to admire it, and when he finally smirked because he liked the gift, the girl spits on his face. Loud whispers of shocked people surrounded the room, telling the girl that she has no respect for the prince of Egypt. Of course, Johnny can’t let his people see that it’s alright for a slave to disrespect him, and so he did something… something he’s not going to be proud of but will surely wow the people watching.

He grabbed a glass of wine, drank a mouthful and spit it on the girl’s face in front of everyone, and poured the remaining wine from his cup on her clothes. “Be careful slave” the prince says, pointing a finger that has a big golden ring around it to remind her who she’s talking to. “Dry her off and lock her in my room. Go,” he commands and the guards responded immediately.

The royal banquet carries on without even bothering further about the slave. Everyone drank delicious sweet wine, chattered nonstop about their richest and the things they desire in life and bid the prince of Egypt good night before they all went home.

But even though the night carried on as it should be, his mind can’t stop reminding him about the awful thing he did earlier. And so after the royal banquet, he asked for a tray of fruits and brought it to his room… for you.

Behind the thin curtains of his bed, he sees your silhouette and shook his head as a sign of disappointment to himself before he apologizes to you. He joined you in bed, sat so far away but still, he saw that no one tended to you, that no one helped you or even gave you dry clothes. “Why must you disrespect me like that?” Johnny left the question as he disappears for a minute and returned with a damped cloth and his sleeping robe. He hands it to you because he wouldn’t dare touch you without your permission, but instead of accepting the kindness that the prince is giving to you, you rolled your eyes at him, sat up and kept your distance.

“I’m sorry” he whispers but you heard it. “I may be a fool or I act tough in everyone’s eyes, especially my father’s but my mother did not raise me like that,” he added and reached for the damped clothed and came near you. Johnny wiped your face carefully like he is not the future pharaoh of Egypt and humbling himself for you.

After cleaning your skin, you shamelessly removed your clothes in front of him and looked straight into his eyes to search for lust and to finally finish this long night. And just like those men and women, architects and sculptors who lusted over his body, Johnny… lusted for you.

If you strip away every gold in Johnny’s body tonight, you will see goosebumps around his skin. He very much wants to have you tonight and pleasure himself but he still feels very guilty about what he did earlier. Almost as if he felt that he’s not worthy of you.

“If I give you pleasure tonight and have me as much as you want and as many as you like, will you free me?” you ask crawling near him wearing nothing but a cheap necklace. The prince then caressed your face, traced the curves of your body while looking directly into your eyes, showing you that he wanted to accept your offer so bad but not tonight.

“Tempting. But tonight, you rest” he says softly, trying so hard not to kiss you down the mattress and hurt you so good for the whole night. But even though he would rather do filthy things to you, he reached for his robe and made you wear it to bed. “May I be forgiven before I sleep tonight?” he says, smiling weakly and pushing you slowly to the mattress. He sat next to you while waiting for your answer.

“Only if you forgive me from what I did”

He chuckled and got up from the bed to leave you finally so you could get your rest. “Then it's settled. Let’s start again tomorrow when I come home… if… I’ll still be alive” he says, and left a sweet smile.

They say that men who will go to war the next day never get a peaceful sleep not unless they exhaust themselves from pleasure and eventually sleep like a baby. And that’s when you realized that the prince of Egypt sacrificed his sleep for you. Now you feel even more guilty because you took away his very chance to sleep peacefully for the last time… if he dies in battle tomorrow.  

But for Johnny, knowing that he put a decent woman in bed and earned her forgiveness is better than pleasure or getting to enjoy lust before a battle. You were sleeping like a baby, he thought. The whole night he sat on the chair beside his bed, guarding you, and admiring you. Until the sun finally showed up and it's time for him to go.

The battle was bloody as expect but Johnny did not expect that their army will fall on the first day of the war. His soldiers needed to take him back to the palace and protect him from there, even though he wanted to fight until his dying breath. Not run like a coward and let his men die.

The soldiers brought him back safely, but Johnny was not pleased. He arrived at the palace furious and more than angry to his general that he yelled at the nurse who is supposed to treat his wounds and his maids to clean all the blood and dirt on his face and body. Johnny is hurt, physically but his pride is crushed, and that hurts even more than his wounds.

He was repeating the battle plan and their strategy in his mind over and over again to look for holes, to look for people to blame but he just can’t. Until eventually he fell asleep even though he’s in so much pain.

“You” the head of the nurses points at you, “you treat his wounds. Or else his majesty will die because of infection and it will be on your account “ she gave you the things you needed to treat a wound properly, complete expensive materials and ointments to heal the bruises faster but the problem is you don’t how to use them. You’re not stupid and you know a thing or two, but the person whom you’re about to treat is not just anybody, and that makes you nervous alone.

Quietly, you entered his room. It was cold and only a few candles are lit and you see his majesty curled up in a ball. Vulnerable, in pain, and suffering emotionally.

Before you even touch him, this scenario reminded you about his kindness the other night. How he touched you so delicately and how he wiped the traces of expensive wine on your skin so gently. Now it's your turn. You started by stripping off his armor, the golds, and silvers that protect him until he’s exposed with nothing but the minimal cloth that covers his manhood.

Carefully, you wipe away the dirt on his face until his handsomeness is visible again, closely you make sure you did not miss a spot and clean him well. Touching his big arms almost felt like you’re committing a great sin, his chest looked so strong even though it’s covered with bruises now which you’re going to take care of in a few minutes.

Then he wakes up and he sees you treating his wounds.  

Glad to see that it’s you who’s taking care of him because for some reason you make him soft. He let out a sharp sigh and in an instant, you were shaking for you thought he will shout at you. But no. “I think I may have a broken bone, can you help me get up?” he weakly asks you.

“O-of course,” you slightly panicked but you did your best to support him with all your strength.

“Give me some water,” he says and you followed, helping him drink so he wouldn’t move too much. "You know you’re not a maid here. You’re a gift. A gift to me” he says sternly like he wanted you to take his pride. “Thank you. For taking care of me in my vulnerable state, sleep beside me I’m in pain”

And without hesitation, you did. This time, it's you who’s guarding him to his sleep. Although it hurts you to watch him suffer like this, you didn’t have a choice but to further take care of him.

On the next day, the nurses treated him the right way and adjusted his broken bones which made him feel better in an instant. You thought you will be released by then because you’re completely useless to his majesty, but you realized that he’s only keeping you for his pleasure and nothing has happened between you two yet.

So in the meantime, you decided to make yourself useful and learn the basics of treating a wound and make sure you know exactly what you’re doing whenever his majesty feels any discomfort.

He healed for days. Did not speak for days. And still, he hasn’t touched you. Oh you wish he would already so you can guarantee your freedom. Your family should be worried by now and probably thinks that you’re already dead. You can’t help but think about your family, your ill father and your younger brothers who need you, in which you can only sigh as you think about it while you take a breather at the palace terrace.  

“I bring good news,” a voice disturbed you and your thoughts, “we are winning the war,” he said weakly.

“Ah. But you don’t sound so pleased? May I ask why?” you turned around to face the prince and slowly came closer to him.

“Because I am here resting and healing while my men fight in the war when I should be leading them” the disappointment in his voice is obvious. He pulled you closer to seek comfort, holding you by the waist and keeping himself calm by smelling your unique scent.

“Lead them once more when you’re healed. For now, rest so you can go in battle with them again. You’re next to your father, and if you die on that battlefield then who will lead us?” bravely you soothed his strong back, feeling him shiver once your fingertips made contact with his skin and your warm palm gives him great calm.

“You remind me of one specific person,” he says, and you wonder if it's one of his lovers, “you remind me of my mother. Who is a great queen of Egypt” and right then and there you feel guilty for judging a loving son who respects his mother so much. Hearing those words from him made you happy and proud of yourself because now you feel useful.

He pulls away from his soft embrace and looked deeply into your eyes, asking for permission to do something to you but he’s not saying anything. It’s his eyes who are doing the talking. “You may,” you said and let out a nervous giggle before the prince finally planted a kiss on your lips.

A kiss that’s wet and quick but made your whole body warm and you wish he would kiss you a little longer but who are you to request?

“I’ll take you somewhere private,” he said when he stopped the kiss and smirked.

And so in the middle of the night, you followed the prince to that private place he told you. Hand in hand you walk in the dark, exchanging whispers when you ask him something and he answers you.

“Close your eyes” he whispers and you followed immediately. Feeling him walk away for a few seconds and then he’s right behind you, feeling him motion you towards somewhere. And when you opened your eyes, what you just saw took your breath away.

A sky full of stars shining brightly and beautifully. You can’t take your eyes off of the sky because you’ve never seen anything like this and even though your neck already feels tired from looking up, you look a little bit longer and savor this very moment. “So this is where the prince of Egypt go whenever he’s tired? I assume?” you asked, smiling like a fool because you’re still mesmerized.

“Yes. This is where I think, hum a few songs, and be myself. No judging eyes, no wars- it’s quiet right? The only part of the palace where it’s really quiet. When I become pharaoh my room will be placed here and I will curse who dares to ruin my peace” he giggles to himself and points at the nearly done construction. The future bedroom of the new pharaoh, big, lavish, and peaceful. It suits him.

“I’m so tired of worrying and thinking about the future” he admitted weakly, closing his eyes and resting his head on yours. Embracing you from behind and caging you with his strong arms. Of course, this bold move made you nervous, the prince of Egypt is keeping you in his arms right now, who wouldn’t?

“Then you must rest,” you said and he only hummed and let out soft sighs.

“Can I have not only your lips but your whole being too?” he asked with the utmost care, careful not to offend you or make you feel like a whore. Then suddenly you feel his lips on your skin, cold lips that felt heavenly, soft lips that you imagine to be on yours. but he’s placing sweet kisses on your neck that made you gasp sharply, close your eyes and accept what he’s doing.

With heavy breaths and soft moans, you try so hard to let out a few words “Do you even need to ask? You’re the morning and evening star you should do as you please,” you croak.  

And because you have given him your consent, his kisses became intense that you’re sure you felt his teeth brush on your skin. And because of the pretty sounds that he’s making it is very much obvious that he is enjoying himself especially now that his big hands are roaming free around your body. Kneading your breast and telling you that they’re soft while his mouth is near your ear and he nibbles your earlobe as he pleases.

He twirls you and made you face him before he devours your lips once again, kissing you with want and with a mixture of lust while motioning you towards the huge bed. He sat on the edge of the bed, making you stand still in front of him, “Virgin?” he asked shamelessly, you shook your head 'no' shyly. “Shame” he added before he stands up and removes his robe, exposing himself to you. Now you understand why everyone in Egypt lusts for him.

Gently he runs his hands on your shoulder, untying the knot that secures your dress and letting it fall down at your feet. “Beautiful,” he says.

The night wasn’t exactly hot but the prince made you sweat in bed the whole night. He was careful but all the things that he did to you were rough, he was very stressed and tired indeed. The way he kisses you, the way he bites your neck and mark you his, the way he holds you in place while he thrusts so roughly. All you can do is whine deliciously, groan and let out sharp gasps and heavy breaths.

Again, he was rough but you loved everything that he’s doing.

“Last one and I promise to give you rest,” he said with ragged breaths. Lips on the side of your face while his big hands knead your breast from behind and preventing you to fall on the mattress. You arch your back as much you can so you can manage to take the overstimulation and sensitivity but the prince is fucking you good that your knees are about to give up.

When he is so close to his sweet release, he pushed your body on the mattress and slapped your left ass cheek one too many times before he pulls out and pumps his cock away from your hole.

Weak. Tired and aching. You curl your body and hug yourself as you wait for the prince to cover you with his warmth again. But not long after he came down from his sweet release, he is holding you by the ankle and the next thing you know he is hooking his arms around your legs, spreading your folds and running his fingers on your wet slit while watching you lose your mind and beg for him. His tongue was heavenly and he was licking you slow like he’s waiting for you to calm down and accept the pleasure that he’s doing. Up and down, he licked you slow and listened to you wherever you want him on a certain spot. And when you had your sweet release and let out a high pitched moan, you did not beg for him to stop and you chose to overstimulate yourself.

“You sleep in my arms tonight,” he says, kissing you sweetly before he lies beside you and spread one arm to keep you close.

Although you're both exhausted and tired from pleasuring each other, that is not the reason why you and the prince stayed up until the sun is rising. The whole time, he was playing with your fingers, caressing your body and feeling his fingertips glide on your skin while he listens to you. Listening and not just hearing you talk. He was keeping the conversation with you, throwing you a lot of questions, hard and easy ones. It was his first time knowing someone he fucked.

“Tell me more” he says, leaving a kiss on your shoulder as you enjoy your comfort while you lie on your side and admire his godlike features. He was asking for more stories about your childhood because he didn’t have one. He was giving you kisses in exchange for your stories that make him feel alive and present in this world.

“Are you not tired?” you asked him with a smile.

“Talk until I fall asleep” he drags you near him so he can cage you with his strong arms and keep you close until he wakes up. He closes his eyes and waited for you to talk again, drawing small circles on your back so you know that he’s still awake.

“Paint, I love to paint,” you said, and told him stories about how the colors make you feel alive and whenever you paint, you feel free. You were talking and talking and talking until you got too carried away and did not notice that he had finally fallen asleep and you decided you should too.

In his arms, you slept well and dreamt about home. You see how your family welcomed you home and their faces were clear as day, almost as if you’re not dreaming. Ever since the prince showed you kindness, you’ve been sleeping better and for that you are thankful. But for now, your beautiful sleep needed to be disturbed for a very sweet kiss woke you up.

“You smile in your sleep,” the prince says, greeting you good morning and seeing his naked body first thing in the morning. You sat up from the mattress and covered yourself with the Egyptian cotton blanket, squinting your eyes to protect it from the bright sun. “Good morning my gift,” he greets you again, caressing your thigh under the blanket. Oh its too early to commit sin but the way he makes you feel good with his finger is inviting. “Spread your legs,” he says, and so you did.

Up and down he moves his two fingers in your very wet slit, you almost feel sorry for ruining these expensive sheets with your juices, but what can you do? The prince wants you soaked. “You were so amazing last night that I dreamt about you,” he came closer to you and removed his fingers to join you under the blanket and position himself in between your legs.

“You had me under the stars last night, are you going to have me under the sun too?” You asked with a playful tone, giggling under the covers with him and enjoying the closeness of your body. He is a big man, but his warm body feels good on top of you. Skin to skin, chest to chest, while his manhood is inside you. “You’re rather gentle now,” you added, letting out a soft moan and smiling weakly at him.

“It’s too early to be rough” he smiles and grabs your waist, thrusting deeper while he kisses your neck and marks you wherever he wants especially on your chest area, or swipe his tongue on you and devour your sweet lips.

“Thank you, I still ache from last night” you inform him, returning his sweet kisses with a smile and soft giggle that is soon replaced with a delicious moan.

“Apologies then, what do you feel now?” deeper and slower he goes. Making you feel every bit of him by stretching you so good while he holds your hand and kisses them while he thrusts. “Not going to l-last longer” he says and gave you a few sharp thrusts, making your breast bounce then did not hesitate to pull out and pumped his manhood away from you, ruining the expensive sheets with his thick cum.

He feels so warm and weak, groaning while you watch him pump his cock in front of you. What a sight. The prince looked so hot. All naked and glistening as the morning light shines upon him. “Do you know it's a crime to stare at me like that?” He asks with a smile. It was a joke but you can’t help but think that you’re lucky enough to see him like this, to look at him with lustful eyes to hold him whenever it pleases you.

“W-were not yet done?” you ask when you saw him spreading your legs again, oh his stamina is unbelievable. He didn’t answer your question but instead, he kisses your lower abdomen and kissed your body and breasts until he reaches your lips. And there’s that feeling again that the world is stopping whenever his lips touch yours, you like what’s happening and you don’t care if you’re not home anymore. Or maybe that’s the lust talking.

“Where did you learn how to kiss like that” it was not a question, he just simply wanted to let you know that your kisses do something to him. And while kissing you, the prince felt something he has never felt before. He was quite sure that it’s called admiration and want. He is slowly becoming possessive with every swipe of his tongue on your lips, he is slowly falling into your charms with every touch of your hands on his chest and the way your hands roam around like he is yours.

“I know I promised your freedom but can you stay a little longer?” he kisses your hands and kept them close to his heart. A gesture that is saying he is requesting, asking politely, and leaving you the decision because he respects you.

“I’ll stay” you answered without hesitation because it is what your heart wants. He has been nice to you, although he needed to put an act first but his true colors were inviting. “With two conditions,” you added, stopping him from attacking you with kisses.

“No lies and don’t die whenever you go to war,” you said sternly to which he’s very happy to hear.

After that beautiful morning, you and the prince spend your entire day naked in his comfortable bed, enjoying the lovely weather of Egypt and its calm breeze. Talking and exchanging stories, knowing each other deeper and accepting each other through honesty.  

Then night after night the prince have you on every corner of his room or wherever he pleases. Making beautiful and lustful memories all around the palace. And whenever you’re both clothed and decent, he walks with you and shows everyone that you now have a special place in his life, something you’re never going to get used to but slowly it sinks in. You started dressing up in expensive clothes because he says so, giving you expensive jewelry all around your wrists and your neck. But most importantly, he is giving you more reasons to stay with him.

One fine day while you were waiting for Johnny with a book in your hand, he arrived very excited and was in a rush to bring you somewhere. Perhaps another secret place where he can fuck you? Or a surprise picnic? You really have no clue. But when you finally arrived at the place where he is very much excited to show you, every wild guess disappeared for you know exactly what the place is for.

Different colors of vibrant pigments, all came in different sizes. Paintbrushes from small to big ones made with soft hairs. And the canvas… is the place itself. “Johnny, this place is huge. I feel so small,” you said, feeling dizzy with how high the walls are but you are very much excited to paint on those.

“Paint all you want from now on, I know how you miss your home. I hope this will suffice” he gently pats your head, cup your face, and kissed you. “I have to go somewhere… dangerous again” he informs you, hoping to get a positive reaction from you.

Well, you can’t stop him and you know that all too well. You were quiet and if you’re being honest you don’t know what to say, but you do know that you want him to go home in one piece. “Remember your promise,” is all you can say to him.

“I won’t die” he giggles and intertwines your fingers with his.

When the prince left the next morning, you can’t help but worry for him and be scared that something bad might happen. But whenever you remember his bright smile when he promised you he won’t die, your heart warms instantly and you can finally get on with your day.

Using the gifts that the prince left you, you painted for hours and hours, from sun up until sundown. Sleeping on the floor next to the paints rather than the huge and comfortable bed because you can’t handle the cold there. And whenever you’re taking a rest from painting, you still spend your time alone rather than make friends and talk to the maids.

It was lonely when Johnny is not around. You don’t know when will he arrive, and worrying will do no good so you waited patiently instead. Day after day you did the same things. Paint, eat alone, be alone, paint some more and sleep on the cold floor.

Until finally, a pair of arms surprised you, encircled perfectly on your waist and you can finally feel that familiar warmth again. You put down the paintbrush and tried turning around to welcome him home with kisses but he stopped you. “I look filthy” he said, but you did not care and still turned around.

To your surprise, you almost did not recognize him. His face is full of dirt and blood, small and big bruises on his face but thankfully no broken bones this time. He was quiet. No sweet kisses for you and obviously he’s tired. “We both look dirty” he giggles and reached for your hand to wipe off the paint from it, “what you did here is beautiful” he said and pulls you to a hug which you returned without having second thoughts.

He recognizes your paintings. He is sure that it's from your home, memories from home to keep you happy perhaps. Johnny searched for anything or something that says you missed him too while he’s away, perhaps a sunflower? But he found none. Little did he know, that you missed him terribly too that you chose to sleep on the floor.

After your quick reunion, you washed his face, treated his wounds and decided to take a warm bath together. The silence was deafening and so you talked and talked until he finally says something.  

“Do I make you happy?” he asks sincerely while scrubbing your back and pouring warm water on your skin. Bathing with him brings you a different kind of calm. You nod your head ‘yes’ to answer his question, caressing his thighs underwater. Then you feel him kiss your neck softly and encircle his arms on your waist underwater.

“I’m setting you free” he says.

And those words made your heart ache in an instant that you turned and faced him with worried eyes. You should be happy by now because finally you can be free and see your family, but why are you sad? He just came back and now you’re going to be separated again?

“But” he added which made you nervous even more.

“It pains me to let you go. That’s why I promise to take care of you and love you day and night… if you choose to stay” you always see him as an honest and sincere man but now his sincerity is different. It has a mixture of hurt and hopelessness like he already knew you’re going to leave him that’s why he made such an offer and confessed in the middle of a huge bathroom and while taking a bath.

“A few months ago, I told you I’ll stay and that’s not because I’m doing you a favor but because I really wanted to stay with you. I’m still choosing to stay-“

He cut you off with sweet kisses until water splashed on you and him, there are tears in his eyes but it wasn’t visible because of the water. Happy tears that only you can give him.

And that is how your story with Johnny started. It started with doing what your heart wants with all honesty, choosing to love each other and stay together. After that very momentous bath, he became Johnny to you and not the prince of Egypt, but the man you chose to love from now on.

YEARS LATER    

Life with Johnny was never easy but it was full of love and he had kept his promise. Everyday, day and night he loved you more and more each day. And eventually, fucking was replaced by passionate love making which something you both love doing.

“So good” he groans and lets out soft moans while you bounce your body on top of him, driving him crazy and make him beg for more. You intertwined your fingers with his, sucking his fingers while your roll your hips deliciously. He can be rough with you in order to drive him mad, but you, you need only lustful eyes, your womanhood, and your tongue.

“Ooooh-“ he groaned a little louder than before and shoots his thick cum inside you while you drill your hips make sure you won’t miss a drop. “I hope you get pregnant this time” he said with ragged breaths, encircling his arms around you and placed sweet kisses on your face and on your lips.

You’ve been trying to have a child now but the gods are not in favor of it, so you and Johnny decided to try until you succeed. Usually, one round is not enough for the both of you but when you both realized that it’s going to be like this forever, there is no need to exhaust yourselves anymore because you can simply make love again tomorrow.  

“If you don’t mind me asking, how many babies are we going to have in the future?” your question made him laugh. The sound of his giggles vibrates on your body because you’re too close with each other and you can’t help but laugh with him too.

“A lot,” he simply answers your question and kisses you before he covers your body with a thicker blanket.

Life with Johnny is sweet, not because you’re now comfortable and he showers you with gold. But because he showers you with the love you deserve and he now takes care of your family too and even provided your father’s medicine. Even though you haven’t seen them in years, now they know that you’re in good hands for you write to them and let them know that you’re well. But for Johnny’s safety, you didn’t dare tell them that you are in a relationship with him.

It may be sweet and comfortable for you, but it is not always like this. Of course, there are hard times that you have to face with Johnny. Like when his advisors see you as his whore and not someone whom he truly loves, when his father did not accept you and almost took away Johnny’s right to the throne, and when you planned on running away so the people around him can stop doubting him as the future ruler. All these problems but Johnny chose you. Always.

“I love you”

He whispers and caressed your face while watching you sleep. Having one last look before he starts his day without you and faces yet another stressful day.  

Now that his coronation is getting near, many people have been seeking his attention and had been trying to rebel against him. He may be a great fighter, and he honors the throne, but the people around him do not see him as someone who can rule and solve the nation’s problems.

Heartbroken. That’s what he feels when he thinks about being king in the next few weeks.

“My uncle and cousins are active lately, seeking the people of Egypt’s hearts, courting them, and feeding them lies. My own family... is planning to overthrow me” he informs you. Frustrated and stressed beyond you could have ever imagined. It pains you to see him like this.

“I am no advisor. But be strong my love and still do your best to rule, prove them wrong” you encourage him, trying your best to give him strength. But all he gave you is a sly smile and a kiss on the forehead, leaving you to go and study more about the things he should know for his kingdom until eventually, you find him asleep on his desk. Shivering from a cold night and all you can do is put a blanket around him.

After a few weeks, Johnny is crowned king of Egypt. A celebration that’s very beautiful but you’re not allowed to stand near him because you’re a slave and people will recognize you. But you know all too well that Johnny imagines you being on his side.

They say that the crown is naturally heavy but if it weighs too much that even your heart can’t carry it, then you are not fit to rule. And that is exactly what Johnny feels right now, but trying is the most important thing for him. Running away from his duty is not him. He will continue to try and be a better pharaoh than his father.

“Where have you been?” you giggle and soothe his strong arms that are encircled around your waist. Accepting the kisses he’s giving to you for it has been far too long since the last time you’ve been together alone. He had been working hard for his nation, he looked tired than ever.

“It’s beautiful. You’re beautiful” he says while looking at the sunflowers you painted on the walls. A thousand sunflowers for the gods, in exchange for Johnny’s safety… or a child, if they permit. “I visited our room last night, but you weren’t there. I knew you were here but I needed to go already. I’ve missed you so much” he turned your body so he could see you finally, cleaning your hands full of paint with his own clothes. A gesture that simply tells you that whenever he’s with you he’s just a simple man who loves you so much and not the king of Egypt.

“I’ve been sleeping on the floor. I’m in a rush to finish this so I can finally offer something to the gods and they can grant me my wish” you rake his long hair away from his face.

“Now, now, that’s not how a future queen of Egypt should behave, my love” he smirked and you rolled your eyes, picking up the used paintbrushes and cleaning them.

Then you realized he said something.

“Say that again, my love” you request as you watch him come closer to you with a smile. “Was that a question? You never addressed me as someone-“

“Will you marry me? Be the queen of Egypt and become my wife? Be my best advisor, help me to be a better man?” he finally said it. Straight forward and will all honesty, as always.

“Y-yes. Of course, I would like to be your wife. But your people won’t allow it,” you answered excitedly. Eyes with tears that continuously flow. He cupped your face and thanked you for saying yes, not caring about your concern for he doesn’t care what others will say.

The celebration of being engaged is continued in your shared room with wine, fruits, hope, and dreams. It was a night a fun night with your future husband where you enjoy the company of each other after such a long time. Johnny made sure that you made the right decision and promised you a better life.

“What more could be better? We have everything already Johnny” you put a grape in his mouth before you lie beside him.

“What was your prayers to the gods again?” he asks, out of nowhere. To be honest you did not expect he would be interested. “Maybe I can give it to you instead?” he added and it instantly made your heart full.

“My first prayer is, for your safety wherever you go. Nothing scares me the most than knowing that wherever you go, your life is always in danger my love” he tightens his embrace, silently thanking the gods for bringing you into his life.

“And the second?”

You breathe deeply first before you answer him, “A baby… but your safety comes first” you said sternly, pointing at his chest and drilling your pointer finger on his skin so he knows how scared you are. He caught your hand and kiss it one too many times.

“I love you, I promise to be careful so we can make babies during our marriage,” he promised sincerely.

On the next day, Johnny’s first agenda was to tell everyone about the good news. At least its a good news for him, but not for everyone. His father, advisors and other members of the elite society were disappointed upon hearing that he wants to marry a slave.

When Johnny became king, all of Egypt starved. That’s why everyone thinks that being married to a slave and throwing a big wedding is not appropriate.

“Do you think I’m a pushover? I am the morning and evening star, your king, and I kept this nation together and kept it safe with all my power. You owe me your lives. And I am not seeking your approval, I am simply telling you that I am to be married to the woman I love. Besides, I don’t want to see your faces on my wedding day and ruined it for me”

Silence ate the room and only the sound of afternoon winds surrounds the room. “Dismissed” he commands and they immediately left, leaving Johnny alone with his thoughts.

The wedding was simple and private because it is what you wanted and thankfully Johnny is not a fan of grand celebrations too. You both thought that the gods will spare your wedding day and give you a peaceful day just this once. But no, because a murder took place in the palace and it happened while you and Johnny are enjoying your wedding night.

He is deep inside you, thrusting roughly but with care at the same time. Hands on your waist to keep you in position as he fucks you from behind and leave kisses on your shoulders.

You were moaning so good, while you grip the sheets and part your lips, telling your husband how you feel and beg for more.

Until his advisors entered the room uninvited and have no care for privacy. Johnny quickly covered your body and hid you behind him. “YOU HAVE NO RESPECT!” He shouted so loud that you were sure everyone in the palace heard him.

But still, his advisors did not move an inch and waited for him to stop shouting.

“Our king... y-your parents have been murdered”

And that is when everything turned black in Johnny’s eyes. He put on his robe, ran towards his parent's room and saw the gruesome murder.

He didn’t understand why but he was heartbroken and very much angry that he punished all the guards on duty that night and everyone staying at the palace except you.

Well, you wouldn’t think that you’re not being punished. You’ve been feeling sick for days already and you have been having morning sickness more often. Then you realized you haven’t bled yet and immediately called a nurse, a good friend whom you can trust to confirm if you are with child.

You are.

And that is your punishment. Knowing that your prayer has been answered but Johnny is grieving and is away from you. Not seeing your husband and knowing that he’s out there punishing people, punishing innocent people makes your heart break. Apparently, asking for a peaceful life is too much.

Finally, Johnny found out who plotted his parent’s murder. And it is no other than his cousins who wanted him to give up the throne. And because of that, his anger grew much worse. Now he does not only punish people but also put them to death for Johnny believes that he is being betrayed by the people around him.

It has become the darkest time in Egypt.

“The is the only place that I can show my weak and grieving side. I’m so tired, my love. This is not me but all of Egypt is mad and wants to kill me. What can I do?” You hush him and gave him a tight embrace which he accepted and returned. “Do you want to kill me too?” He asks you and you can’t believe you’re hearing this from him.

“Never. I did not paint a thousand sunflowers for the gods so that I can wish you to be gone” you sat on his lap and reached for his hand, putting it above your belly. Hoping that he understands what you’re saying.

He did. But he wasn’t happy.

And all you can do is understand him because he is going through so much right now.

“The gods must hate me so much to give us a child during these dark times” he said bitterly.

You didn’t have a choice but to get up from his lap and place a kiss on his temple. You may miss him. So much. But it is useless to have a conversation with someone who’s full of hatred towards the world.

“I’m sorry, my love. I’m blinded with anger” he tried reaching for your hand but you refuse and lie on your side of the bed. Closing your eyes and remembering the happy memories you had with him over the years.

“Do you know what’s on my mind?” you did not answer him, “I would like to give up the throne and live a simple and fruitful life with you but I can’t. Kings don’t run away from battles” he says. Keeping you close and leaving kisses on your clothed stomach. Chanting apologies and saying how much he loves you before you both sleep.

Day after day, Johnny became even more scared for you and especially for your child. Now that you have a chance to be a family, Johnny is even more obsessed with fixing everything using his own ways but everything is not going according to plan. The assassins weren’t satisfied yet and they have been killing innocent people that Johnny trusts. And his cousins won’t admit the crime that they have been doing for Johnny lacks proof. It frustrates him greatly.

Now that you’re with child he stays with you from sun up, to sundown. He doesn’t care if people are uncomfortable with seeing the king with a slave, all that matters now is your safety. He is scared to the bone that he carries his sword around him and does not go to sleep so he could guard you in your sleep.

“I used to do this during your first nights here. I guard you in your sleep and watch you smile as you dream. But that’s maybe because back then we have peace. I’m sorry I can’t give you a peaceful life”

As Johnny continues to think of many ways on how to protect you, he kept you hidden in your museum and watched you paint. It calms him. And as he looks around the place, he looked long and hard at your artwork and remember the days when you used to miss home. Then he realized that it is the only way to keep you safe. The only problem is you will not agree on it.

“You do know that when I leave and they found out that you’re all alone now, they will not stop until they kill you then take your throne” you said sternly. Hearing his plan about sending you home makes you angry and misses him already.

“As long as I fight until the end. The only way to stop them and keep you safe is to give them the satisfaction of killing me. No one knew about our child, please listen to me my love. This is the only way that I can give our child a peaceful life” he begs.

You don’t want to admit that he is right and you don’t have any other choice now. But leaving him pains you greatly, that even just thinking about it scares you.

Eventually, you and Johnny plotted your escape and made you go home safe. With the help of your family and a few soldiers, they managed to get you out of the palace without anyone noticing it. But you can’t let go of Johnny’s hand. You kissed and kissed until there's no more time left to be together. You said your goodbyes and final promises to each other and accept your fate.

“I’ll find you in our second life, whatever happens. Live my love, live happily” he says and removed your tight grip before he disappears with his soldiers. And that is your last memory of the man you loved.

It was the darkest moment for the both of you.  

Johnny knew that being away from you will not be easy and it will make him weak in an instant. In fact, it made him crazy. Everyday, he goes to your museum and seeks comfort with your paintings. Constantly thinks about you and pray that you are well and healthy.  

“Finally, you’re safe” he murmured.

After a few days, the news that the king is dead has spread all across Egypt and everyone celebrated. Everyone except you and the few people who knew the truth about the assassination in the palace. Hearing them celebrate sickens you for they don’t know how Johnny struggled to keep his nation alive and safe and that he is not the enemy, the true enemy is the one sitting on the throne now.

Hearing that he was assassinated in your museum broke your heart for you knew that he longed for you until his dying breath.

After all, the thousand sunflowers you painted for the gods did not go to waste. But it was your second wish that they granted and not the first.

[saturatedboy]

Could I please request a one shot of Donna crushing hard on a fem SO who’s terrified of her bc she’s a lord and has all these scary rumors about her but Donna is determined to win her heart even though the poor girl is as a skittish and meek as a tiny rabbit in the wild

Donna Beneviento x F!Reader

This ended up being longer than I anticipated but I do hope you enjoy!

Words: 3.9k

House Beneviento. The name had always sent shivers down your spine when you heard the other adults talk about it. You were just a female young adult with a liking towards flowers that would grow and intoxicated you with their scent. The stereotypical feminine liking towards flowers had most certainty made you the eye-candy for all the boys but you never seen yourself liking any of them back. All your life you had lived in the Village of the Shadows, you had never caught any feelings for the opposite sex. It was a strange to the elder women, they used to try pair you up with a match but every time you had refused their offering of a male towards you. Sometimes you felt as though you had put your family to shame but there was always another part of you telling you you had nothing to be ashamed off. This was you, you will choose who to love and if you never want to love or just couldn't, you were willing to accept that.

Recently, some things had been off with the Village and it's civilisation. You knew better then to question your religion on worshipping Mother Miranda as you had found comfort in knowing that someone out there was willing to protect you- too bad those days were gone and well, that was when you were just a child reaching the age of 7. Now, age 19, you've came to consider the down sides and the strange disappearance of some in the Village.

"(Y/n) my darling, would you please go collect some herbs?" Your mother had called from the kitchen as you had sat pondering in your own thoughts about the strange noises you would hear outside on a night. Having your head sat on your hand with an elbow on the table, you turned your head to face your mother who was stood with a soft smile and faint beads of sweat dripping down her forehead from cooking over the fire.

"Doesn't the elders go gather the herbs mother?" You questioned her as you move your head off your hand and decided to get up and ready for your journey after being requested by your mother. Your mother however was already caught up back in her work of cooking, completely ignoring you. You sighed with sagged shoulders and moved to collect your white cloak which had been tainted with mud at the bottom. "I'll see you soon mother," You spoke as you paced yourself to the front door and swung it open, being greeted by the swift coldness of the air.

Stepping onto the snow, you breathed in the crisp frost and stepped forward to begin your journey near the forest. Normally the elders would go collect the herbs but seemingly because you knew the area from flower picking, you are now the perfect fit to do it. Pulling your cloak closer to your body, you lifted the hood and let it sit on your head and shoulders and the rest of it draped down and covered you up to your ankles. Your breath had left faint clouds in front of you, making patterns as it swirled. This wasn't the best weather to be out in but you hoped your beige cotton dress would keep you warm enough.

As you walked through the village, you tended to ignore everyone. Their looks on you made you feel so left out. You were the only women of age who hadn't been together with a single boy of your age division. It frustrated you that such social thoughts that a women should be together with a man always made you mad. For the name of Mother Miranda, why couldn't some people in the village accept some don't want to love and some rather love someone the same gender. There was nothing wrong with choosing someone to love- but you supposed it was like this because the population of the village was going down and repopulating the village would be needed. You didn't like the idea but it was something you were taught at a young age. Slipping through tight areas, you made your way towards the the rocky bridge where you would cross to get to the forest where most of the herbs had grown.

You hoped you would find some near the front entrance.

Luck wasn't something you had, you had always been careful when you were younger making sure to never let any superstition past your mind. Any newly made shoes on the table? You would move them. Someone knocked over a mirror? You would of tried your best to catch it. You were always so careful when it came to things like that. It just made you more adorable in the eyes of those who wanted to have you for their own personal needs and you knew what personal needs they wanted. Reason why you realised you didn't have a lot of luck was the fact that the herbs you needed for medicine wasn't there. They had been cut clean and most likely would grow in another month. "Looks like I have to go further in" You whispered to yourself, taking down your hood and lifting the front of your dress up so you could climb over tree roots and not trip over a small pebble. What you didn't know when travelling further into the forest was a pair of watchful eyes...more than a pair of watchful eyes.

Humming a soft tune, you walked past the creepy dolls that were hung by the branches and got ready your small sheers to cut the herbs when you found them. Shivers crawled down your spine as you looked around, you hated those dolls with a passion- well they were cute some of them but mostly scary in your eyes. Everyone knew who's territory you were in.

Lady Beneviento's. The lady who apparently practically controlled the dolls and would use them to her command. She was a Lady. These were the rumours that had passed about your village of your time living there, which was your whole life. You knew every story about Beneviento, you couldn't help it. You had to know all about the stories to know who ruled over you and who you should worship, it wasn't a choice. Searching more, you were lucky enough to come across the correct herbs you needed, they were under a large tree with some small daisies growing underneath it from the sheltered floor by the leaves. Mentally cheering, you jogged towards the tree and leaned down, plucking at the stems of the herbs with your sheers. Whilst you was doing this, you didn't realise the lady dressed in black behind you behind a tree with a hand over a hyper-active doll clamping her mouth shut

She was intrigued at your sudden appearance. She had left her manor in search of a quiet day out seemingly the coldness would pick up very soon and she just needed that air to clear her mind. What she didn't expect was a new person to be walking in her territories and almost in the centre as well. Weirdly, she felt appreciated at the new accompany but she didn't like the fact you came and starting to pluck at her plants she didn't appreciate. She had to keep Angie quiet so she doesn't get spotted, maybe you would leave after you plucked them.

Back to yourself, you placed the freshly cut herbs into a pocket that was in your dress. Yes, you owned a practical dress with pockets which you were more than thankful for. Standing up and stretching, you turned around and smiled at your accomplishment. You felt so proud of yourself being able to come far into the Beneviento's area and being able to be brave enough to not back out. Raising your hand to your hair, you brushed out the knots and started to skip your way back home, humming once again.

Watchful eyes had followed you back to the bridge. She was caught off guard with your smile, how free you looked and how graceful you had skipped. Your humming had became a melody to her that hit all the right notes, it attracted a faint heat to rise to her cheeks. "Are you really acting like that?" The doll had whispered to her owner, staring at the black veil. The owner tilted her head to the side, showing that she was rather confused. "If you want her, quickly let us grab her and she can become out new playmate." The doll wiggled her way out of her owners arms as she had decided to go deep into thought.

Playmate? Playmate meant life to her...you being her playmate struck lightning to her heart and made her start to fidget with her fingers. A pretty being like you- no an enchanting- no...there was no words to describe how beautiful you were in her eyes. You were just so perfect, prettier than any goddess ever. You were fair like a doll, your skin looked so delicate to touch, your eyes glistened with a shine that glossed over your huge pupils. How was someone like you created? Someone that had melted any cold around her own heart. Who needs that boring playmate who was already half dead back at her mansion when she could have you.

Just as you were about to step foot on the bridge, a sudden movement of the wind picking up behind you had made you turn your head. At first you felt dizzy as your turned, your vision began to blur and was soon covered with black dots. The last thing you ever saw was the Lady dressed in black.

"she's waking up~!" A voice had rang in your head causing you to scrunch up your nose and scrunch your already shut eyes closed. The voice was high pitch, much louder than any young girl's voice. Using your hands to feel around you, you felt soft silk under your touch. Opening your eyes barely, you were greeted with a a grey tinted white above you as you were laid down. Closing your eyes to get rid of any excess blur, you reopened them and and breathed out heavily.

"What's going on..." Your voice came out hoarse, making it sound like you hadn't drank in days.

"Maybe we knocked her out a little hard?" Again the high pitched voice had said. You were curious, your mind always got the better of you but your shyness always lingered. You stayed put, staring up at the ceiling as you could hear movement being made around you along with the sound of something pattering against what you could only think of to be the floor. Maybe wood?

As you were about to speak up again and ask where you were, you jumped slightly at the touch of something small touching your ankle. Heaving your body up quickly, you was met with a doll dressed in a wedding gown holding onto your left ankle. You swallowed back a lump in your throat and raised a hand to your mouth, slightly biting down on it on hopes of not to scream. However that didn't go as plan as a small whimper came from your mouth. You quickly moved your body up on what you could see to be a bed and backed away right to the top of it trying to make distance between the doll and yourself. The doll laughed at your actions and you pulled your knees up to your chest. You wanted out. Where were you? Why are you here with this doll. You just wanted to go back home...

More noises came into the room. The small patters against the floor accompanied with larger ones had caused you to duck your head into your arms in fear. If that doll was here, then that must mean the Lady was here too. Those stories of the Manor of Beneviento came running back into your mind. You were here, your escape far gone. You were going to die here.

A sudden cough made you flinch further into your arms and the laugh of the doll had quietened down. "You may leave Angie." The new voice had spoke. The voice held such innocence yet it sounded like a grown women who had seen more than enough. More patter noises went away just as it first came. Thinking you were now safe, you raised your head up to only be met with the women dressed in black you saw from the forest. Tears had already sprung from your eyes and you shook your body, repeating the word 'no' out of fear. Not knowing what to do, Donna- the lady dressed in black- had sat at the end of the bed and just stared at you. You could feel sleep pull against your eye lids wanting you to sleep but knowing that the women you heard rumours about killing people did not sit good in your head, not to mention she was in the same exact room with you.

It took a while but you eventually calmed down, heavy breaths leaving your throat as you stared at her. You felt so small to be near someone who had loads of authority over you. You felt powerless, feeling like a small bunny next to her. "Its okay" She spoke, placing her hands onto her lap sitting up straight. You stayed quiet, going back to biting your lip feeling the taste of slight blood. "I have no intentions of hurting you."

You felt tears once again sting your eyes and your vision had blurred. You just wanted to go back home. Panicking at your crying, Donna had stood up and ran to your side scaring you at the same time. She pulled you into a close hug and rested your head on her chest. Slowly she petted your head, stroking you hair and running her fingers through it. Although the touch was strange to happen, you couldn't help but fall against her feeling weak under any power she had. You were nothing but a plaything to her, that's what you knew. However in her eyes you were the most perfect doll to ever walk and talk. Your tearing soon stopped, although you had been lost in thought for a while that you failed to notice your own hiccups.

Under the black veil, Donna had been smiling at the contact and the way you were responding. She felt your weight against her and felt her heart flutter. Such a precious person against her. She didn't know your name, your likes or anything about you but she wanted to with your permission. She wanted to know what colours you likes, if you liked dresses or if you'd prefer a suit. She wanted to dress you up in many clothing with your permission. For the first time ever, Donna had felt as though maybe the world was truly turning in her direction. You were so adorable even if you had tears in your eyes. She'd make them stop, oh she would do anything to make them stop but she knew she couldn't do anything. She knew she was part of the problem but she'd make sure you warm up to her. She would make sure you would understand her and maybe even became friends...maybe even more.

She trailed her hand from your hair to your cheek, you had fell asleep not to long ago from exhaustion and comfort from the Lady of the Manor. Donna sighed deeply, closing her eyes under her veil and pulling you even closer. Your soft snores had caused a gentle laugh to escape her lips. Surely you didn't have to go back where you came from? No, Donna wouldn't let you. She would keep you, hat's what she decided. Sure you were scared but she was more than happy to work on that with you. She would make sure you wouldn't be scared of her in a while, she couldn't have you if you were. Although Donna had felt an instant connection between the both of you, she was a very patient women when it came to wanting something she wanted. She'll just wait for you to love her, he wouldn't force you into anything. Oh the ideas that spilled into her mind about spoiling you with clothing and toys, there was so many.

Unconsciously, you turned to face her fully in your sleep. Your face was red from the tears that had spilled but you seemed calm when you were sleeping. Like a bunny...just like a bunny. Your nose would twitch every now and again as Donna watched you closely, holding you against her. Mentally Donna was squealing, you were so sweet! So different from others. Her old playmates would refuse to sleep and end up dying because she hadn't had any connection with tem but now, you had a serious connection with her and she wasn't going to let you go any time soon.

And she didn't. But you didn't mind. The day after you woke up, you were left to stay in that same room, with food and water on the side table, for a total of a week before you had decided it was time to walk about and brave your journey. You were worried about your family. Did they forget about you? Did they think you were dead? Why go back if it has been so long since you went back home.

When you left that small room, you were instantly surrounded by the small dolls. You were going to scream but the sound stopped in your throat when you saw them holding what seemed to be clothing towards you. A small note was written and placed onto of them. Crouching down, you gently lifted the clothing out of the doll's hands along with the note and out of curiosity, you gently patted the top of the doll's head. The doll jumped in excitement and jumped onto you, making you yelp in the process, and climbed to place itself on your shoulder. Calming down and gathering your breath, you walked back into your room and placed the clothing om the bed, grabbing the note to read first. The doll on your shoulder looked down at the note too.

Miss,

I am sure you are very confused on what's happening but I just couldn't leave you. You had me at first glance, you are a perfect being you know? So fair and graceful, my gosh your indeed a heart stealer. I won't force you into anything but I think it's more professional to be upfront about feelings than to hide them away. The clothing provided should hopefully be in your size maybe- but If not to do worry for I'll change them for you. I really hope you like them.

Your sincerely, Donna Beneviento

You placed the note down and looked towards the clothing. Gently picking them up, you saw it was a white dress with a silver embroidery pattern hand sowed into it. You felt your heart miss a beat. The Lady created something for you. Surely this was kindness right- no you wouldn't question it. It was sweet of her. You started to think that maybe you should apologise to her. After all you did cry and more than likely disturbed her day. Her actions for you showed she wasn't a killer at all like some of the rumour of the Village would say. They sounded made up. A killer wouldn't make clothes for their victims...and the word 'feelings' popped back into your mind. A lady has feelings for you...you. Your heat beat had started again and sped up a lot. This creation of her for you was so generous. Something you hadn't witness a lot growing up.

Gently placing the doll that was on your shoulder onto the bed, you quickly changed into the clothing provided and folded your dirty clothing up to place at the end of the bed you had been staying in. Picking the doll back up, you placed them on your shoulder and walked back to the door to open it and then step outside of it. The place was rather big, quiet a few hallways from what you could see. "Hey buddy," You spoke to the doll on your shoulder. "Where is the Lady, I would like to apologise for my actions." You watched as the doll looked around first before pointing down the hallway. You followed where the doll pointed and soon ended up in a room where a desk sat at one far corner and a green leather sofa had been placed facing what seemed to be a projection. Sat on the sofa was the Lady, it seemed she was caught up in her work as she was sewing a patch up on one of the doll's clothing.

You coughed to gain her attention.

She turned and for the first time, you saw her with her veil up. Her face said it all, she stood up quickly accidently throwing the doll in her hand on to the ground and reached the back of her head to pull her veil over. "Please," You pleaded quickly, raising your hand up in a 'stop' emotion. "It's okay, I don't mind ma'am." You said using your manners. She stopped reaching to pull her veil back on and faced to stare at you with a small smile dancing on her lips.

"Are you sure?" She asked, raising her own hand to cover what seemed to be scarring from something. You nodded and folded your hands in front of you. Slowly you bowed, showing respect and spoke softly.

"I apologise for earlier this week, I had no right to be so scared of you. My apologise for my disruption. I hope I didn't cause you too much trouble." As you were still bowing, a hand had grabbed your chin and a pair of lips had met your cheek as your head was risen. You felt you face heat up at the contact, it was such a soothing move and it made you longing for more of her touch.

"There isn't a need to apologise, for I would accept any mood you were in." She said as her voice was so close to your ear. You inhaled her scent, the smell of herbs and a smell of roses were diffused off her clothing. You felt her touch once again, this time she had grabbed your hands gently and held them, rubbing her thumbs on the back of your hands in a calming matter. "Would you like to join me and my friends for lunch?" She asked as she quickly moved her hand once again to brush a stray hair from your face. Without using your words you had nodded to her request, making her smile in delight.

"You're smile is very pretty ma'am." you spoke without thinking, not even realising what you had said. Donna was more than happy to hear you speak, your voice was far prettier than your humming but either way she felt the same feelings as she had before.

"What is the fair ladies name?" She asked you, placing her hands on your hips as you shyly looked down at them resting there.

"My name is (Y/n) Ma'am." You said with formality.

"Such a beautiful name," Donna whispered, going back to touch your hand and raise it to her lips to gently kiss it. You was taken back at the sudden action once again, however you did not refuse it.

Again you wanted her to to hold you, just like she wanted to have you.

[hollowtreesinhollowwoods]

Barriers

Taglist thingy bc...yeah?? only one person but we thrivin for it ╮(╯-╰)╭♥ @tombombadilbutmuchworse

CW: suggestions of choking, very mild gore, this is mostly just fluffy stuff but I put this here in case ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Part 1--The Child

Research Log #2

It’s been at least three human days since the child was rescued. We’ve woken her up a few times in that interval, but according to Δοφρι, my mentor, she’s only ever been half-conscious. She spoke, but it was all very mumbled, and my English isn’t very good yet, so I didn’t understand anything. She was very ill, and it’s likely she won’t remember any of this when she has recovered. Though, Δοφρι says she’s getting better and better, so hopefully she--

Bonlett’s plated fingers stopped typing as they heard a noise behind them. They’d been writing their progress in the child’s room, and they looked over. The sound was a weak, gravelly noise, and it was followed by a sniffle from the... the pod! Bonlett perked up with excitement, hurrying over to see the child again. 

“How are you feeling, child?” they asked gently. They knew the young girl couldn’t understand them, though. Xrieke spoke an entirely different language to theirs... but Bonlett was too excited to remember the English they had learned. 

The child stirred slightly, her eyes a bit unfocused. She heard Bonlett, though, and let out a whimper of fear.

“Hey, it’s alright. Don’t worry, you’re safe,” Bonlett replied, reaching gently over to lift the girl’s chin up and check her neck again. It was heavily scarred, and probably sore, too--

As the girl’s eyes focused on Bonlett’s face, though, they blew wide and her whole body tensed as her mouth opened wider and her throat produced a strangled, whiny rasp. Bonlett stopped in shock at the sound. It sounded almost like she was trying to scream. Her eyes flooded with tears, and her head twitched away from Bonlett’s hand, as if she were trying to get away. Her eyes darted to the space behind Bonlett, then to the thick veil above her that displayed the night sky--it was meant to sooth and block the light out, though it seemed only to confuse her-- then to Bonlett’s face.

Bonlett snapped out of it, cupping their other hand around the girl’s face. “Shhh, shhhh, it’s okay. I won’t hurt you, child,” they soothed in as human a way possible. They couldn’t help when their face contorted to concern. The child couldn’t understand anything they said, could they? Besides the few human words they threw in here and there. “It’s okay,” they reassured.

The girl slowed, but still watched Bonlett apprehensively, especially as they lifted her chin higher to get a better look at the girl’s neck. As Bonlett carefully felt the damaged skin, the girl’s breath hitched. That confirmed Bonlett’s suspicions... somewhat. Someone had been hurting the girl. Bonlett could practically feel the fear radiating off of her.

“All that worrying can’t be healthy...” they muttered to themself, reaching above the pod’s heightened lid and pressing a button that caused a scented vapor to diffuse in the air--one that would hopefully cause the girl to calm down a bit. As Bonlett reached towards her again, the girl let out a weaker whine.

“Please, I’m here to help,” they said, noticing that the girl’s body was shivering. They felt the girl’s temperature, and she was startlingly cold.

“Wow... you’re really cold. How’d you get so bad?” Bonlett wondered. They’d taken off the girl’s damp clothes and given her a blanket, but maybe it hadn’t been enough. Humans could get shockingly cold. Bonlett pulled some more blankets from beneath the pod, laying them gently on top of the girl.

The girl, with what strength she had, burrowed herself in a bit deeper. Bonlett racked their brain for a certain English word... Then they found it.

Leaning forward, they caught the girl’s eyes. “Good?”

The girl stopped, the familiar word shocking her a bit. She stared at Bonlett for a moment before giving a small, meek nod and shrinking into the blankets.

Bonlett smiled, pressing another button to turn the pod’s heating function on. “Alright. I’ll be right back. Don’t worry,” they said, heading for a bowl of broth that they’d set on the counter in preparation. The bowl had a function that kept the contents hot, so they had no need to reheat it. Bonlett carefully sat the girl up against the pillowed, then scooped a spoon of the broth and held it to the girl’s mouth. Her stomach growled, but her head shrank away from the spoon and she whined again, swallowing.

Bonlett blinked, confused. “Do you not like soup?” they asked, tilting their head slightly. “I know humans are selective with their tastes, but please try it... you’ll get better faster. It’s good,” they said.

The girl watched her intently for a long moment before carefully opening her mouth and closing it on the spoon. Immediately, her expression changed to awestruck, as if she’d never eaten good food in her life. Her stomach roared.

Bonlett smiled, getting her another spoon. The girl pulled her arms free of the blanket, her strength seeming to return more and more. Her mouth closed on another spoon, but as Bonlett went to get another, the girl grabbed the bowl, pulling it out of their hands and spilling a few splashes on the blanket as she pressed the rim to her lips.

A laugh escaped Bonlett’s throat as the girl gulped the broth down. “Slow down, there’s plenty--”

“(hic!)”

Bonlett froze at the noise, their eyes going wide. It had come from the girl’s throat--was she choking? The girl clamped her hands over her mouth as the sound came again.

“(hic!)” 

“What was that? Are you okay?” Bonlett asked, growing a bit frantic. “Are you choking? Are you going to--”

“(hic!)” The girl shook her head, then nodded, then shook her head again, seeming unsure.

Bonlett jumped to their feet, panic jolting through their body as they bolted out the door, calling back after the child. “I’ll be back!”

They nearly tripped over their own feet as they ran into Dopri’s study. The other Xrieke turned, eyeing them with confusion.

“Bonlett? What is--”

“The child! There’s something wrong, I think she’s choking or--”

Before Bonlett could finish, Dopri had already bolted out the door. Bonlett followed quickly after her.

Rushing into the room, Dopri bent down beside the bed and examined the girl. Tears were coming from her eyes, and she sniffled, a sob interrupted halfway by another “(hic!)”

Then Dopri spoke to her. Luckily, the Xrieke was fluent in English--she’d been studying it much longer than Bonlett had. “Can you breathe?” She asked.

The child looked like she was about to respond before her shoulders shook with another “(hic!)”, after which she gave a weak nod, tears rolling down her cheeks.

Dopri furrowed her eyebrows, examining the girl a moment longer.

“(hic!)” The girl’s hands drifted back up to her mouth, and she sniffled.

Dopri let out a sigh of relief. “Don’t cry, young one," she said, reaching over to wipe the girl’s eyes. The child squinted them shut as Dopri carefully swiped the tears away. “Bonlett overreacted. You only have the hiccups. Perfectly harmless.” She smiled gently. The girl’s gaze drifted cautiously over to Bonlett.

“(hic!)”

“Did she eat or drink too quickly?” Dopri turned to Bonlett.

“She did take the broth from me and drink it all at once,” they responded.

Dopri smiled, sighing and shaking their head. “She just gave herself the hiccups--that’s all.”

“Hiccups?” Bonlett’s eyes narrowed in confusion.

Dopri sighed. “It’s just a thing their bodies do sometimes. They’ll drink or eat so rapidly that it accidentally interrupts the breathing cycle. Their diaphragms sort of... spasm, in a way. Hiccups normally go away within a few minutes, and they’re perfectly harmless. Though they can be a bit annoying for the, eh... victim,” she chuckled. She glanced over, noticing the girl’s eyes were still watery. “How are you feeling?” She asked.

The girl blinked her tears away, watching Dopri apprehensively. She opened her mouth as if to say something, but her breath stilted. She sucked in more and more, her mouth stretching into a wide O before her lungs seemed to reach their limit and she let out another strange noise, a bit of a raspy, whiny, breathy wail, her eyes welling again with tears. When she finished, her eyes widened and she raised her hands to her mouth again, watching them nervously.

Bonlett turned to Dopri in confusion, and Dopri’s smile widened. “Don’t worry, young one,” she said, then turning to Bonlett. “Get her a cup of water.”

Bonlett nodded, filling one up and hurrying back to the bed, holding it to the girl’s mouth as she hesitantly drank it. Once the cup was empty, Dopri ushered Bonlett to take the cup away, and they did.

“Get some rest, child. Your body is working hard to recover. Once you are better, we’d like to ask you some questions, too--if that’s alright. It’s just to help you. I know we look intimidating, but we aren’t here to hurt you, alright?” Dopri spoke to the child, holding her hands gently.

The girl swallowed, blinking and offering a meek nod. Dopri smiled at her again, letting her hands go and gently shifting her back down to sleep again. “And don’t worry about Bonlett. Sometimes they’re overbearing, but they’re really kind and caring. They’ll be here if you need anything at all, so don’t be afraid to ask.” Dopri said, gently pulling some hair out of the girl’s face.

The girl’s gaze was fixed intently on them for a long time as Dopri reached up to pressed the button on the pod that turned on the diffuser. After a moment, though, she let out another of those strange whines as her eyelids drooped closed and she went to sleep. Dopri stood, answering Bonlett’s silent question.

“And that was a yawn,” she whispered, smiling again as she got up to leave. “They do that when they’re tired.”

Bonlett turned from Dopri to the child, a fascinated expression on their face.

“If you need me again, you know where to find me.”

Bonlett nodded, their eyes conveying silent thanks as they went back to their writing, reading back what they’d written and deleting a bit before starting again.

...Δοφρι says she’s getting better and better. She even woke up today! I’m sure I could fill pages with the experience, but first and foremost...

Bonlett couldn’t help their excited grin.

...those noises that...that Δοφρι called “hiccups” and “yawns”... are adorable?

[sweet-sugar-sunsets]

100 questions

I was tagged by @she-who-the-river-could-not-hold and @puzzlingsnark aka my faves

1. What is your nickname? well when I was younger it was little red, but it was later revoked after I went through a growth spurt. my friends jokingly call me anuswrath because it sounds similar to my last name. my niece calls me mimi

2. How old are you? I am regretfully fifteen

3. What is your birth month? Septemper

4. What is your zodiac sign? Virgo. I don’t know that sun and moon crap

5. What is your favorite color? yellow

6. What’s your lucky number? 23

7. Do you have any pets? yup I have a golden lab named Liza Jane

8. Where are you from? Louisiana

9. How tall are you? 5’ 6"

10. What shoe size are you? 9 1/2

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? probably like 10

12. Are you random? yes absolutely

13. Last person you texted? my best friend (he’s trying to set me up with his ex)

14. Are you psychic in any way? yeah when I was little I had dreams that could tell the future occasionally and i used to talk to ghosts (i was weird)

15. Last TV show watched? i just finished the newest fosters episode

16. Favorite movie? Ferris Beuller’s Day Off, Clueless

17. Favorite show from your childhood? suite life of zach and cody (i still occasionally watch the reruns)

18. Do you want children? no unless my spouse does

19. Do you want a church wedding? no.

20. What is your religion? nuthin

21. Have you ever been to the hospital? yeah I broke my neck in fourth grade in karate class (I’m fine now just had to wear a neck brace for a year and sacrifice my pride) when I was really little (k-2nd grade) I had really bad asthma and had a couple surguries (none of them helped)

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? no, which is surprising becaue i do a lot of illegal stuff (dont arrest me)

23. How is life? meh

24. Baths or showers? both, showers when I’m short on time, baths when I want to treat myself

25. What color socks are you wearing? I’m not wearing socks

26. Have you ever been famous? when I was little I did local commercial acting but other than that nope

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? yeah lowkey im an attention whore

28. What type of music do you like? alternative and indie, some rock

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? yeah with my friends last weekend

30. How many pillows do you sleep with? I sleep with two behind my head, three stuffed between my bed and the wall and four at my feet

31. What position do you usually sleep in? I toss and turn all night

32. How big is your house? pretty decent four bedrooms three bathrooms two stories

33. What do you typically have for breakfast? fried egg and black coffe during school, whatever’s available during the summer

34. Have you ever left the country? unfortunately no

35. Have you ever tried archery? Yes! I did archery all the time in my yard. until I almost impaled my neighbor’s dog

36. Do you like anyone? I’m currently in love with my best friend but he is currently setting me up with his aforementioned ex so that’s not gonna go anywhere

37. Favorite swear word? dick, bullshit, any variation of fuck

38. When do you fall asleep? 1, 3 if i dont force myself to go to sleep

39. Do you have any scars? I had rocks embedded in my knees as a kid so i have those scars (you can also feel the rocks its kinda cool they never took them out) I crushed my ankle in a golfcart accident last year so I have those too

40. Sexual orientation? bi for now but i like girls more. the only guy i’ve liked in a while is my best friend

41. Are you a good liar? absolutely

42. What languages would you like to learn? latin and spanish (both of which i’m learning now)

43. Top 10 songs? oof ok: run for cover, the killers; float on, modest mouse; i can’t quit, the vaccines; ribs, lorde; cigarette daydreams, cage the elephant; youth, glass animals; miracle mile, cold war kids; saturday sun, vance joy; jackie and wilson, hozier, sleep on the floor, the lumineers

44. Do you like your country? no but im not gonna get into it on here because i am young and dont have fully formed opinions yet

45. Do you have friends from the web? yes and i love them more than my real friends sometimes

46. What is your personality type? creative, lazy, rebellious

47. Hogwarts House? ravenclaw

48. Can you curl your tongue? no im such a disapointment

49. Pick one fictional character you can relate to? lowkey murphey from the 100, bc i come of as an asshole, never want to do anything, and the only contribution i ever make is snarky comments and bullshit jokes

50. Left or right handed? right because im basic

51. Are you scared of spiders? yes and all bugs

52. Favorite food? chinese food. i live laugh love chinese food

53. Favorite foreign food? ^^^^

54. Are you a clean or messy person? messy, you cant see the floor in my room

55. If you could switch your gender for a day, what would you do? walk aroung at night. ugh the dream

56. What color underwear? pink and gray

57. How long does it take for you to get ready? an hour sometimes more when i procrastinate

58. Do you have much of an ego? no, but i do have self-esteem issues galore

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? i suck until its tiny then i bite

60. Do you talk to yourself? yes. i am insane

61. Do you sing to yourself? yes. loudly. all the time. sometimes in public

62. Are you a good singer? semi. i sing backups in my band

63. Biggest Fears? all my friends secretly hate me

64. Are you a gossip? no gossip pisses me off. unless it’s celebrity gossip

65. Are you a grammar nazi? no, but i need one

66. Do you have long or short hair? I have hair to my shoulders

67. Can you name all 50 states of America? yeah i had to memorize them for the world geo final

68. Favorite school subject? english and art

69. Extrovert or Introvert? extrovert!

70. Have you ever been scuba diving? no but i want to 

71. What makes you nervous? when people dont talk to me for a long time

72. Are you scared of the dark? a little my house is haunted so

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? only if necessary

74. Are you ticklish? sometimes, which is weird

75. Have you ever started a rumor? yeah probably

76. Have you ever been out of your home country? nope!

77. Have you ever drank underage? yep last night

78. Have you ever done drugs? well the closest i’ve come is getting second hand high after making out with a girl who had just done a bunch of edibles at a party. i cant smoke or vape cuz of the asthma thing

79. What do you fantasize about? honestly 90% sex

80. How many piercings do you have? two in my ears

81. Can you roll your R’s? yes its the only thing im good at

82. How fast can you type? idk pretty fast but i have to go back and correct a lot

83. How fast can you run? i dont run

84. What color is your hair? red brown

85. What color are your eyes? shit brown

86. What are you allergic to? cats and milk

87. Do you keep a journal? i keep a poetry jounal and an astronomy journal but thats it

88. Are you depressed about anything? im just depressed in general

89. Do you like your age? no i feel to young

90. What makes you angry? my mother and my father, this one homophobic bitch that all my friends love

91. Do you like your own name? yeah ig. i wish it was more interesting tho

92. Did you ever get a foreign object up your nose? a gluestick in 1st grade dont judge

93. Do you want a boy or a girl for a child? girl. boys have cooties

94. What talents do you have? I’m a writer, i play piano, guitar, ukelele, drums, cello, and trumpet

95. Sun or moon? moon

96. How did you get your name? my mom liked it what a loser

97. Are you religious? no i am very anti-religion

98. Have you ever been to a therapist? no but i need to

99. Color of your bedspread? turquoise sheets white comforter 

100. Color of your room? periwinkle walls with a black white and gold color scheme

tagging: @a-girl-or-maybe-a-ghost @bitchin-promises @mikeweezers @jane-el-hopper @nancykali

[burntbromances]

hiii it's me, that anon who said she had a bad day (flashbacks etc). I had a really good day today, I went food shopping and ate my first quesadilla!! it was vv good. I'm a little nervous about tomorrow bc I have a big appointment with a private psychologist and we paid a lot of money for a two hour slot and I'm just like aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. anyway. I found a book in a charity shop called 'my best friend's exorcist' by Grady Hendrix and it's like chick flick horror. u might like it?

(2/4) (continued anon) it's a good book and I can see it being a dark larry fic but I have no concentration to write it :(. anyway. I managed to read a bit of larry fic today without having a flashback, and I drank enough water for once!!!! hoping you are well xxx xxx have a nice day/night - a xx(3/4) is this creepy?? me again. I'm bored and it's nearly 2AM and I can't sleep bc anxiety. my dog is lying in bed next to me and shes dreaming about running bc her legs r twitching. do you own any fics in paperback? I have escapade, hita, young & beautiful and another i can't remember. I'm hoping to get more for my birthday this month. (28th august). I'll be in Germany for my birthday which is exciting!! i haven't left the UK for years bc my depression kicked my ass for a while. - a xxxx(4/4) omg it's me again The Creep!!!!!!!!!!! I am also pansexual?????? wtf???? what's your favourite larry fic? mine is probably uhhhhh here in the afterglow. it's so soft and warm like a hug and I've read it so many times my paperback copy is falling apart. OR OR OR escapade but I haven't read that for a while. I just ,,,, love harry. my mom does too. we went to two of his concerts together and it was great, I bought one of those black harry hoodies and I wear it like 4 days a week bc I'm a gremlin-------------------------------------------------------------------Hello baby! I'm very happy to hear you're feeling better and staying hydrated, it's very important to care for yourself!! I wish you the best of luck with the psychologist 💕The book sounds very interesting, i'll try to look for it whenever i get a chance, thank you for the recommendation 🤗I am well, thank you :) i'm on an exchange and we're actually going to leave my country soon so i'm excited! Hope you have a good day/night as well 💓It's not creepy haha i really appreciate that you find me fit to tell me how you're feeling, don't feel awkward doing so (i'm also not used to attention on this site and i lowkey love it soooo 😂)You have a dog!! Cute!! I have a cat and i miss him so much rn even though my house is close to our inn so i went to see my mom and saw him as well 😭💔There are fics in paperback?? I had no idea!! Where can i find those????? I need,, so much! I love y&b, i just recently finished it :')I'm actually leaving for germany today!! I'm very excited. I'm going back on the 21st though :/ i hope you have fun in germany and on your birthday especially!Gahhh another pansexual!! Always exciting to other find pan siblings!I have many fics that i love: without you i'd never make it out alive is probably my fav on ao3, but i have a few more on wattpad bc i'm a lame worm who spent most of her fangirling years reading wattpad and sleeping on ao3 😂 i still have to read here in the afterglowOmg i'm jealous that you have a harry jumper 😭 i'm too broke for merch and saving for louis now whenever he decides to save my soul with his music and merch. Your mom is so cool for liking him! My mom just plays along but she couldn't care less kzodisisjsjWow,, i too am a gremlin lolThank you so much for writing me, i'm very happy to hear that you're doing well! Come talk to me anytime! 💕 love you darling 💗 and sorry if i missed something!

[c00chmaster420]

this is a long vent and storytime-ish. tw/dr*gs

it hurts going from being the kid who could read and write super well from an early age who got an award for english in high school and had a 98 in science for most of the year despite it always being my worst class and didn’t even have to try in school to barely being able to get a proper sentence out half the time and never being able to explain/express myself bc my brain is so fogged and fucked from all the drugs i do/have done that i can only think at like half capacity now. i used to be a rlly smart kid, i never had to try in school and i’d always get by just fine, if we had writing competitions in school i would usually win, i was basically an english prodigy. now i’ve dropped out of highschool and am in a constant state of brain fog, i can’t even feel things properly anymore. i can’t ground myself to my surroundings or feel genuinely present, it’s so difficult sitting outside at night and listening to music (one of my fav things to do) and trying to just be there in the moment but not being able to fully process literally anything that’s happening or my surroundings. i’m never fully there. i feel like a ghost or something. i used to be so against drugs and alcohol and then for some reason i decided fuck it, i wanna try acid bc it sounds bad and i wanna do something really bad just for the adrenaline. then i tried it and fell in love, i’d never even smoked weed before that, just drank oil, so being high was new to me and i immediately fell in love. nothing compared to the feeling drugs gave me, it was such an experience and made me feel so good and was so fun, like nothing i’d ever done before. i was rlly depressed and kinda hated myself and didn’t have many friends or a life so drugs were the one really good thing i had. i did acid a second time with molly and once again absolutely loved it. then my dealer got arrested and i didn’t have anywhere else to get acid so i turned to dxm (another drug i said i’d absolutely never do, but desperation makes people do weird things). i loved dxm as much as acid, i got (mentally) addicted almost immediately. plus it was so easy to get and i had money really frequently so i could just go grab some for $10 whenever i wanted. i quickly spiralled from that, i started doing it at school and doing it every night i could and if i didn’t have it i’d have cravings for it so bad i’d be scratching and hitting myself and pulling my hair and sobbing so hard i’d almost throw up. i also started doing molly pretty often and other things like coke and shrooms and a lot of acid. my drug problem almost got out of hand at one point, i overdosed twice within a week of each other and got serotonin syndrome also twice within a week of each other. i got a bit better when i had to go to my grandmas for a few weeks and didn’t have access to any drugs, and i wasn’t getting money regularly either so i was forced to go sober for a while. at one point i got better and started only smoking weed and drinking and i was doing good for months if not a year but i slipped again. my friend invited me to come over and do ghb with her parents and i agreed, ofc. welp, i wound up doing a LOT of meth that night as well. this is where i started slipping. the day after that night (well technically the day AFTER the day after) i went back and did ghb and smoked a bunch more meth with my friends parents. the kicker is my friend wasn’t even there this time. i’m close with her parents so they said i could meet with their dealer at their place bc they didn’t want me meeting with him alone (mans got second degree murder charges, numerous assault charges, and many more. he’s a very dangerous guy). i met him the night i went there the first time bc he came to sell them the ghb. he wound up spending the whole night and we TOTALLY vibed (before i found out he was dangerous asf). also the first time i saw him he came in needing stitches bc he just bashed a girls car window to get back at her, so that’s lovely. we were gonna do stitches on him there but didn’t wind up doing that.

the next morning he offered to walk me to the bus stop but instead tried to take me to his doctors appointment with him?? keep in mind i’m a 17 year old girl and he’s a 35 year old man. so that was rlly weird but i managed to get away and go home. anyways the point of this was i used to have so much potential and be so different but now i’ve ruined my life with drugs and i hate it. i went from saying i would never even drink to smoking meth out of a wine glass in my mom’s bathroom bc i have literally no self control anymore. my cousin begged/told me not to touch the meth but here i am scraping little bits of it off to smoke and hoping she doesn’t notice. i wanted xans and her dealer is in the nw and i’m in the sw so he didn’t wanna come all the way just to sell me two xans so we got a bunch of meth too even though she just plans on probably selling it and not taking it. i’m slowly losing control, first it started with just planning on smoking the loose little teeny bits in the bag to scraping off some from the rock and i should’ve stopped at there but i couldn’t. i know i should’ve stopped at there, there was less chance of her noticing and i shouldn’t rlly be risking it but here i am about to go scrape even more off for like my 4th time and pray she doesn’t notice. i’m so fucking stressed, i’ve been lying to my bf and my family about the drugs and i feel so guilty but at the same time i kinda don’t which almost makes me feel worse. i always put myself and my interests first and do what i want even if i have to lie about it because i don’t have any self control anymore. i’ve stopped caring more and more, i used to never do anything if there was even the smallest chance of me getting caught bc i was so scared of getting in trouble but lately i’ve been developing an attitude of ‘what are they gonna do about it? even if they find out, i already did it, the most they can do is get mad and i can just choose not to give a fuck that they’re mad’. i also have been putting myself in more and more dangerous situations (usually for drugs) and i think to myself a lot ‘who cares if something happens? i wanna die anyways and if something else happens i’ll just deal with it, it’s whatever, i can choose not to care about it’ and i know that’s gonna get me in a really bad situation one day. i was doing so good for so long and now i’m just spiralling so bad again. i don’t think i can get better either bc i need to want to get better and for some reason i don’t? like of course i wanna be better and have a solid life but the reality of putting in all the work and actually getting there is just something i can’t do. i’d rather just throw my life away and wallow in my mental illness until i either die young from an od or laced drugs or i kms.

like the reality is i literally can’t be a functioning adult. maybe if i went on a bunch of medication and got a shit ton of therapy maybe, but i can’t even bring myself to look for jobs or apply to them, and the thought of actually working is TERRIFYING. i have such fucking bad anxiety, any time i leave the house i constantly feel like everyone is staring at me and judging me and i’m hyper aware of how i look and how i’m breathing and walking. getting a job and being an adult just isn’t realistic for me, plus i literally hate the human race and the world in general so i have absolutely no desire to stay alive and be a functioning adult in a world that i literally hate anyways. i don’t wanna be here anymore. i just want everything to stop

[ithisatanytime]

To be honest im very glad she loves her boyfriend so much, initially i asked about her relationship status and she said it was open, and was very firm about that fact, emphasizing it to the point that it was the only thing leading me to believe she was at all receptive to my advances, of course thats not enough because i was so forward, and i knew she just likely wasnt that into me. but today when i pressed the issue, as i am a horny man and frankly im in a damn hurry, she changed her tune, now he was her soul mate. and you know what nothing could have made me happier. my last serious girlfriend was in a committed relationship but it was on the rocks, in part do to her going off her birth control (i was high test compared to her boyfriend, he had better musculature but prenatal test exposure was lower in the womb as evident by me being 6′2 and having masculinized bone structure in comparison to his.) and losing all attraction to him, also i kind of fucked their shit up by randomly confessing my feelings for her, we had known each other for close to ten years at that point, but i never made my feelings known because she was so fucking hot to me i just never thought of her as a possibility quite frankly, i was fucking SHOCKED to find out she felt exactly the same. this same exact scenario played out for me when i was a young man and i literally forced my girlfriend to go on hormonal birth control, the hormones in birth control literally trick your body into thinking that your pregnant, and pregnant women have different taste in men, they are looking for a provider obviously, their behavior changes dramatically, in part because they lose interest in higher testosterone but good physical genetics mates as they need someone to be their when they raise their baby, typically (naturally) this only lasts for 9 months than the baby comes, if the man who fathered the child is able to weather the emotional shit storm, he will stick with you through anything, and is thus a good potential provider for your offspring, the opposite is true if they met you while on hormonal birth control, as they value you for your provider traits and when they go off the bc their body thinks they are no longer pregnant, hence her looking for a big strong bull (me) too impregnate her.

    she knew this indian guy since they were children, it was fucking obvious they were meant to be together, i hated being responsible for the heartbreak i caused BOTH of them. dude still wanted to be with her after she kicked him out of her life to fuck some drug addicted retard (me) but  heres the thing i am not talking shit about her, they literally cant fucking help it, we are slaves to our hormones. i was very pleased to find out that she was hesitant to go on birth control as it “makes her crazy” i was so glad she brought it up and felt that way, as imagine going over this shit with a potential girlfriend, imagine how well thats going to go over! i have been familiar with hormonal BC’s effects on womens sexual preferences and ability to pair bond since i watched a documentary on the discovery channel about sex with i was 13, i was trying to masturbate, but i learned a lot instead, despite how crazy this sounds, all of this is accepted science and new papers get released about it every couple of years or so, its fucking insane that women arent made aware of this common side effect of birth control, so imagine how fucking conflicted i felt when she was adamant about getting back on birth control, i was 99 percent sure she would fall out of love with me, and at the time , it was insane to me how much she clearly loved me, she promised shed get off birth control as soon as i asked, i pleaded with her, saying that by the time she was on bc for even a couple weeks shed no longer love me or give a fucking shit what i had to say anymore, which seemed RIDICULOUS at the time, but she promised shed go off it as soon as i asked, i knew that would not be the case. within literal days after getting the hormonal IUD put in, she stopped looking at me the same, we started fighting all the time, it was horrible to see, especially for the second time, all men know what i am talking about, when that lok disappears, and of course she didnt get it taken out when i asked, and of course the fighting got worse and worse, who the fuck could stand living with me without loving me, suddenly all the bad shit about me (no job prospects, bad provider) that she had already been aware of for years became an issue, blah blah blah, it wasnt her fault, imagine being forced to live iwth someone who you didnt love, who loved you and stil wanted to fuck you. and of course as the fighting got worse and she slept on the couch, i could no longer sleep, i became obsessively jealous (mate retention strategy caused by testosterone masculinizing the brain) i knew she wasnt cheating on me, there was literally no way, but my guts were twisting and churning every single day, my behavior became increasingly erratic (men behave irrationally as well, in their own way) it all came to a head, after a solid month of the cold shoulder, i had finally landed a job interview to be a car salesmen (i built up a relationship with the neighbor i smoked iwth, and he landed me the job) but the  day before i was set to be interviewed we had a massive fight which i started, because i tried to reason with her (in love men and women arent governed by reason) that she had been giving me the silent treatment for a month and i had been on my best behavior, which i had been, buying her gifts and flowers with the profit sharing check i got from my old job, but she started grabbing her stuff to leave, she wouldnt tell me where she was going and in my irrational state i was sure she was going to fuck an entire football team, an unbelievably searingly painful thought for a man, women literally cant comprehend this as they dont experience jealousy in the same way men do. so i slammed out of the house first into the streets of new york city, huffing and puffing trying to to cry as i pushed past the crowded streets, it was like 4 pm in the middle of queens. i found a bar and sat at the center of the bar, it was pretty empty when i walked in since it was like four o clock in the afternoon. i had 300 hundred dollars in my pocket and i spent it all that very night on beers and shots and whiskey sours, i had never gone to a bar of my own volition before and can count on one hand the amount of times id set foot in a bar, but i had been drinking more than i ever had in my life. the pain of jealousy and losing someone that i sincerely loved, and intended to marry was so intense that i started drinking and basically didnt stop until we were separated (havent really touched the stuff since, i dont really like alcohol) but i was losing the girl i loved, she was supposed to be my wife. i drank like there was no fucking tomorrow, just waiting for her to call me, which she did, but there was no love in her voice, no news on where she was, or who she was with (her girlfriends, studying for an exam) so i hung up and went back to drinking, my bartender was a young women, who may have been pretty i was not paying attention, so much so that when she finished her shift and left the bar, and a young woman sat next to me at the bar and tried to talk to me, she grew angry with me that i didnt realize it was the same bartender, who had been serving me drinks all night, she left in a huff, soon i felt people pressing up against my back as i finished my 20th drink of the day, i was way past my limit, but i was about to lose the girl i loved and become homeless on the streets of new york in my mind, she would never have done that to me, but my “home” had evaporated as soon as i left to new york, and after i lost my job delivering refrigerators he made it pretty clear he didnt want me around. he was not my real dad after all, just another of my mothers boyfriends, its not the same as a biological dad, for as good as he was and as much as he did for me, i was becoming too much, i cant describe the fear of the streets for someone who spent their lives homeless or near homeless is like, its always there. so i drank that way as the NYC bar grew very crowded and noisey, i had picked the hottest socail spot in the city to drown my sorrows,. i would drink until i couldnt feel the pain anymore, go home, puke my guts out, not remember anything and then regroup in the morning after she got home from her boyfriends house, thats a problem for tomorrow me. i was just waiting for her to call me and maybe show me some sign of warmth, some sign of the person i fell in love with. she did call me in fact, i was too drunk and the bar was too loud for me to hear it, i got up to take a piss and only then realized how crowded the bar actually was, people were dancing behind me the whole time and i didnt even realize it, it was packed from wall to wall, as i got up to take my piss, my last five fell out of my pocket onto the ground and i nearly fell over trying ot pick it up, plus the last shot i took i just spilled down my shirt sleeve, it was time to go home. i drunkenly stumbled towards the door the bar was so packed i literally had to raise my arms into the air (this detail will be important for later) as i made my way towards the exit suddenly she appeared in the doorway, i cannot describe to you my relief in this moment, how did she even find me? it was the last clear memory i have from that night, the only other memory i have is foggy, me drunkenly bragging that i could have beat up every dude in the bar and girls were totally trying to fuck me (see? im valuable) as she drove me home, the rest of that night is completely lost to me, i found myself suddenly in our bed, in the morning, i felt more hungover than i had ever been in my life by a factor of ten, i was shaking uncontrollably still half drunk and frightened (if youve never blacked completely out before you cant know what thats like) she informed me that i had pushed her, i was horrified, how could this have happened, and what more could i have been capable of, i didnt have time to process that however as her dad was on his way over from upstate new york, in my half drunk and frightened mind i knew he was coming to fight me, i went into fight or flgiht mode *if your dead comes here i wil lfuck him up!” even i couldnt believe i said that , her father was an unbelievably kind and gentle man, but i was frightened, i was gonna be homeless on the streets of new york, a forgotten man who fell through the cracks in the safety net, and worse i deserved it, my sense of self was shattered, how could i have pushed her? she made the right decision in having her father turn around, and head back to upsate new york. i cried like a fucking baby, how could i have done this? my father was a drunk who beat the shit out of my mother, and i remembered it vividly. i sobbed and sobbed, i had been doing a lot of that, i loved her from the beginning and worse, she had loved me too. i had no way of contextualizing it either, for me it was as if someone had woken me up to inform me that in my sleep i had punched a child, think about that, how do you process it? i had prided myself in never putting my hands on a woman unless she asked first (thats its own story that i will never fucking tell)  i ddint even remember it, like at all, i ddint even remember us fighting, apparently i was barfing and doing somersaults of the bed and shit, as you do when you are blackout drunk. and she had never drank a drop of alcohol or smoked a single weed in her life, she must have been absolutely terrified. i wanted to die, it was over for good. we had made up in a sense, as the reality of the situation set in, we only ever held each other on the first and last night i was in newyork, and both times, you wont believe this but i have to say it because it was so strange, we cuddled face to face while her two cats cuddled each other inbetween us, only the first and last night.

  part of why it was so hard for me, was because i knew i would miss her bitterly for the rest of my life, literally every day until i died, i knew from experience, and she woudl be really upset for a few months maybe and then never think about me again. my only hope was that she got back together with tha tindian boy she grew up with, he fucking cried outside of their apartment, and stil  asked about her when she left him for me, this tore me up, as id been on the other end of that, he loved her better than i did, they were meant to be married but hormonal fucker and jewish sabotage has a combined effect of just fucking women right up, men too but i feel worse for the women. if you fuck a guy you should just stay with them honestly, you will be much happier long term. this started out as one thing, and then turned into something different, as i had been meaning to tell that story for years now. i know it seems like a lot of self pity and to be fair theres a lot of remorse too even to this day, i barely touched a drop of alcohol in the years since, and occasionally it will hit me like a ton of bricks out of the blue and i will excuse myself into my room to cry into the macaroni and cheese i was eating.

[byunrelatable]

ok on the ask game, 5 + 19 !! this is gonna get long bear with me oof. i’ve confessed to two people, one was a boy that i was once close with but he ignored me after we broke up :”) it’s fine he’s an ass anyway. but the second person is my current gf and holy uh this is actually kinda personal so i won’t go too in depth but we can say i did it bc it was too much not to anymore (pt 1/?)

.hi kam!! i love u thanks for the asks and thanks for sharing your story!! im really glad things worked out with you and your gf, sounds like you two have truly been through thick and thin together, you must have a very strong bond. that makes my heart feel very warm, im so happy for you!!

im going to put the rest of your asks, as well as my responses to the questions, under the cut so this doesnt become a super long post. to answer 5 and 19 in short, i will say that my answer to 5. have you ever confessed your feelings to someone? is yes, and its an embarrassing story, it also involves underage drinking so anyone uncomfy with that should not look under the cut!! and my answer to 19. share a positive memory about the last person you texted, i’ll probably keep that answer pretty short but true to my word, everything is going under the cut from here on out. thank you for sharing your story kam

send me two way asks!!

here’s the rest of kam’s asks:

we didn’t date then bc things were complicated (like i said, pERSONAL) and i,,,, did it a second time with her months later,,,,, i wouldn’t have if my friends didn’t push me to do it but they did annnddd we started dating then!! and haaaaa i uh,,,, did it once more at the end of feb this year,,,,,, bc we weren’t together at the time (this is also very personal so i could tell you abt the whole thing privately if you wanted) (pt 2/?)

in short i woke up and she asked me to be her gf again sOo, lol it’s all fun. aaannnddd here we go okay i literally just texted my gf as i write this oof but i think one of the fondest memories i have is both kinda negative but i view it positively? it was around the end of january in 2016 and we had been talking for a month or so. at the time i wasn’t in the best state of mind. (pt ¾)

i don’t remember the conversation word for word, but i have recollection of crying a lot at school waiting for my exam and just realizing how much i cared abt her and her about me and i think that marks the moment we became best friends rlly and damn who would even think to get to where we are now oof not me?? (pt 4/4 i went all out i’m sorryajsndnf)

what a story!!! like i said before, im really glad it all came together in the end, and that you have such a wonderful supportive gf

5. have you ever confessed your feelings to someone? yeah okay. from seventh grade until 11th i had a huge crush on this boy in my class. he was always doing crazy cool exchange programs. in 8th grade he went to school in coasta rica for a year, we e-mailed (lmao) all the time while he was gone. he came back in 9th grade and i was so so excited to see him again. he left again in 10th grade, and that was a hard year for me. my dad and step mom (who practically raised me) were getting divorced and i was going through some weird shit with an older guy (gross. he’s gross and predatory and i didnt know better cause i was like 15/16). so i started drinking and sneaking out and partying. 

the kid i had a crush on came back in 11th grade and i was ecstatic. we picked up our friendship where we left it off. but here’s the kicker: he was (and probably still is? but probably isnt as much of a hardass about it) a devout christian, and drinking was NOT in line with his values. he had heard from his mom that i had been doing stuff like that, and he brought it up and said he was concerned. i told him i’d stop, because i was young and i had had a crush on this kid for over four years at this point, and our mutual friend kept dropping hints that he was interested, and.. sigh. so i told him i’d cut the partying and he said he had to see it. fast forward to spring, i applied and got into a program which sends students to japan for two weeks, and this kid also got in, and i was STOKED to be in japan with him for two weeks. the first week it was fun. our last night in tokyo, i wanted to spend some time alone with him, and the rest of our friends were planning to buy some sake (we were literally 16 but they did it, they didnt get carded) and drink it at the hotel, and they wanted me to distract him cause they were worried he’d rat them out, and i was so down to try that because i wanted to spend time with him anyways. so i asked if he wanted to go on an adventure–just go get on a random subway line and see where it leads. he kinda blew me off, which stung. then in an effort to get him to hang out with me, i told him what the other kids were planning (they had specifically told me not to tell him). i told him, and said “so i really think we should just go somewhere else so we dont have to be around that.” he didnt listen to me, instead he followed the rest of the group into the convenience store and they were like uhhh, then he went up to my friend hannah and was like “so you’re buying sake huh?” and she looked at me like what the fuck arianna and i looked at her like im sorry i couldnt get him to come with me and he was like whatever and then he left the convenience store and our other friend jay went with him. i assumed they went back to the hotel. so i went back as well but they werent there. when i asked someone else where they were, they said “oh, they went out into the city on a random subway line just to go on an adventure!” the literal exact thing i had suggested. i was livid. moreso, i was really hurt. so i decided to say fuck it and get drunk, cause i had been abstaining from alcohol ALL YEAR for the sake of this ONE GUY who had really played me and led me on ALL FUCKING YEAR and lowkey for the past FOUR YEARS. so i was like, whatever. so i got drunk. then jay and the guy came back from their adventure. i asked my other drunk companions if i seemed sober (bad, bad idea. they were not good judges) they all said i seemed fine, so i went to give the kid a piece of my mind. get to his room and its just him cause his roommate had been with us in the drinking room. so i say, hey i need to talk to you. the first thing he asks is if i had drank, and i said no, like a liar with a big fat crush. then we sit down on opposite beds, and i told him i was really hurt that he rejected my offer to go on an adventure and immediately did the same thing with jay. he gave me a bs excuse like “it was kinda spontaneous” and i was like, thats bullshit. then i poured out my heart, about crushing on him for the last four years, about being a good friend when he dated hannahkate in seventh grade, about always waiting for him to come back, about working so hard to stop drinking just to be the person he wanted me to be. and i told him i loved him.

his response? “thank you for telling me.” and it shattered my heart.

when he walked me to the door of his room, he said “by the way. you were slurring the whole time, and your breath smells like alcohol. i knew you had drank from the start.” needless to say, THAT was embarrassing.

i go back to the room, drink more, eventually everyone leaves and its me and hannah. i tell her what happened, freak out a bit, cry.

the next day we woke up kinda early and went to this man-made island place i dont remember the name of, and we spent the day there. i was really quiet and reserved all day (not like me, then or now). i did not eat. when we got back to the hotel that night, hannah gave me a melon bread, and i said i wasnt hungry. she said “you havent eaten all day. if you dont eat this right now, im going to take your phone, delete [kid’s name] from all your contacts, delete every picture or video you have on your phone, erase him from your life. do you want that?” to which i said, no. and i ate the bread. it was tough love and i needed it. i was a little better the next day.

a few days later in kyoto the kid and i talked on a rooftop at sunset. i felt a little better after that. it was hard going through all of that, after four years of pining for him, but.. it was good. it was closure. i laid my cards on the table, i finally told him how i felt, and he rejected me. and it hurt, but there was nothing left to say, and it finally closed that door that had been slightly ajar for four years. and i was able to move on after that, fairly quickly actually. jumping back into partying cause i didnt have someone to impress kind of helped. well, it also kind of spun my life off in a horrible direction that led to a horrible depressing senior year of high school, but thats another story.

yeesh, that was long. on to the next one!!

19. share a positive memory about the last person you texted the most recent person i texted is my friend named nico. the first memory that comes to mind is last summer, we used to hang out a lot, one night we went to this 24 hour diner called beth’s cafe that we both love. we went at like 4 am and it was so so so fun. afterwards we watched emperors new groove in his bed and then passed out. i love nico so much. we used to be a lot closer in the summer, but at the end of summer i fucked up and we had a falling out. we still are friends and we still talk (i.e. we texted today planning to hang out this week) but.. its not the same. and i really miss the way things were before. golly isnt that bittersweet. now im a lil sad. but thats okay

thank you to anyone who read all that garbage uidsgfihjs

[cheezybiouwiou]

a briefing so i don’t have to repeat myself

My parents got divorced when I was one. He ‘went on holiday’ to Switzerland when I was about 6, the only contact I’ve had with him has been like through letters when we’ve tried to change our names in court or something.

I’ve lived in three countries and moved house over 30 times - it sounds weird but there’s always been a good reason.

We were like the famous five kids (my cousins, my sisters and I) for years, but then my aunt’s a little crazy, so long story short we fell out and didn’t see them for like 8 years (side note, saw them this summer and it was weird but nice).

Uncle is batshit crazy and a psychopath, we don’t talk to him. He likes to remind my mum that he could kidnap/murder us every so often which is fun. My grandma has alzheimers (so does my great aunt), and my dad’s side of the family we don’t have contact with. Everyone else just isn’t around or is dead I’m pretty sure (that’s not tragic it’s just old age yk).

Umm, so, mum was determined to send us to private school, so after the divoce although we stayed in private education, she/we sacrificed a lot to get there. We weren’t poor or anything, just life was tight. That at one point led to us moving to Spain for a year (wonderful but crazy experience, I was like 6 at the time and genuinely my heart is in Spain. We have a house there in this tiny village, it’s kinda the only constant I’ve had in my life.

After that we moved back to England and I went to a boarding school (very minimal boarding at first though, so easy). Had an amazing time, yada yada then my mum met my soon-to-be stepfather. Long story short again, he had a bit of money and they got married quick, it seemed great at first but he turned out to be a wackass hoe as well.

A series of unfortunate events involving us moving into my grandma’s to look after her and my batshit uncle threatening to kill our cat and kicking us out of that house led to us moving a bajillion times between holiday rentals for like a year. We then ended up moving to Shanghai, again seems incredible at first until you remember that this is the point at which he started showing his true colours and being super emotionally abusive to my mum. Shanghai also happened to be a really convenient way to isolate a person. Anyways, I got sick of it after a year because the education was shit so ended up going to the UK and going to a super uptight full-time boarding school for the next year.

Went here, homesick as shit and my brain decided it would be a perfect time (when I’m in a super intense academic and conservative environment where the only person I have in the country is my sister) for my ✧・ﾟ:* issues *:・ﾟ✧ to manifest/me to actually understand shit. So yeah, bad year for me. This was also compounded by my mum (yk cut back to China where she’s being emotionally abused and my other sister is having a shit time) having an absolute breakdown. Idk the timing worked out great bc my shit time coencided with hers and she couldn’t cope with that on top of my homesickness and on top of her issues so this, combined with the multiple arguments that I had with her, meant that she told me to stop bothering her and so I did. We didn’t talk for weeks, and now I have ✧・ﾟ:* emotional scars/trust issues and our relationship has never been the same *:・ﾟ✧. 

Anyways, she escaped by some miracle and we ended up back in England all together. This was when we returned to the flexi-boarding school (the one from before China) because it was the only one we could afford to go to. Sooo that place was super negligent and basically all I can say is that they had a really good PR team to stop all those suicide attempts within that school from going public.

Anyways, the first year was iffy, but as I said before, the issues that were becoming more apparently at the last school were kinda becoming more and more apparent (I now know it’s anxiety, depression, and then a possible spicy element of ADHD that we haven’t even got to yet). There was also another issue in that I’m bisexual and I was figuring that whole thing out (this is a side note but I’m probably non-binary but that’s a whole other issue that I’m confused/in denial about), but that led to me becoming friends with basically just the queer kids in my year because all my friends stopped talking to me. At this point I started almost full-boarding again.

Then I started dating one of my friends (Draco, AFAB but confused about their gender identity). Started off sweet, but long story short we dated for a year and a half and I’ve never been more broken (tried to kermit the frogicide 3 times hehe they barely counted as attempts yeet). Uhh there’s a lot to unpack with this one but I’ll try to simplify:

They had abusive parents (physically and emotionally)

They had bipolar

They also were raped by their dad multiple times

They were super manipulative. I wasn’t allowed to be happy about anything because it made them feel bad. 

I wasn’t allowed to feel confident in my body because they had severe body issues. I ended up developing an eating disorder (all I ate was tea, toast after midnight and like milk and digestives).

I started self-harming.

My relationship with my sisters and mum was atrocious. It was definitely a huge part my fault, but not entirely.

As a group we were definitely very toxic. But yeah, on top of all this their best friend committed suicide, and they’d been in emotionally abusive relationships. This led to them being super suicidal. There was I think from November to February where every time they left school to go home, they’d literally try to kill themself. And I’d be stuck while they’re messaging me the whole time saying like “sorry you’re not enough to save me”. Every night. For months I was spending my whole life literally just trying to keep them alive.

Idk if I blame them, because it was definitely their trauma that made them act like it, but some of the stuff they did was manipulative and shit. Lying to me a lot, promising they’re telling the truth when actually lying. Constantly pushing me away, and then being mad when I couldn’t talk to them because they blocked me. Telling lies to my friends to get them to stop talking to me and then stopping me from telling my friends the truth (I wouldn’t tell them just because Draco made it seem like it would hurt Draco, and I was terrified of doing that). That sorta stuff.

I became a therapist for a lot of kids in my year, and so all that pressure of keeping like 20 kids from committing not-alive, on top of my issues just wasn’t a good look for me.

This led to as I said, the eating disorder, and also heavvyyyy dissociation. It also led to alcoholism which was just an unexpected turn. I just didn’t realise how bad all of these problems were at the time. Not a good time, a lot of loneliness, skipping lessons, that sorta thing.

Anyways, mum managed to get me out of the school (after a breakdown and an ambulance having to be called to the school because I drank too much). I did my GCSEs from home by some miracle, and she moved me to the local sixth form. I broke up with the person, and then had a few months over the summer that were life changing.

I moved to a new sixth-form, and it’s been rocky and uphill and super hard but I worked my ass off and I’m in so much better of a place than I was. It was rough at the start, but basically I had a pathetic amount of CBT therapy from the NHS, and the only good thing it did for me was to let me know that 1) I hate CBT, and 2) I already managed to teach myself a lot of the coping skills in the last year.

Then corona rolled around, and my anxiety went through the roof again, depressive episodes came and went and I’m still getting no help. But yeah, it basically made me realise that sure I’ve come a long way but I’m barely holding it together. It most CERTAINLY isn’t helped by the astronomical stress levels I’m getting from my A-levels and just generally existing at the moment is hard. I’m also low-key lonely because people kind of suck (I lost almost all my friends from my old school, don’t get me wrong that was for good reason, but that doesn’t mean that it didn’t suck. But yeah, I also got into a group of people at the start that were kinda shitty and so now it can be kinda lonely because it’s hard to make new friends).

My relationship with my mum has improved but it’s rocky as fuck. She’s very childish and I’m pretty sure hit the jackpot for trauma in every capacity but just pretends that sHe’S fiNe. While I’m writing this, she’s been incredible. Genuinely incredible. But also she can be one of the biggest problems in making me want to cease existing. She can be extremely manipulating and invalidating of my emotions, and generally make me feel like I’m going insane because she knows that I have no power over my life. She’s admitted it’s because she has to be in control of everything, but admitting it doesn’t mean it’s not toxic. It’s one of the hardest things in my life when it gets bad.

So yeah, I think that’s most of it!

Also side note, I may have attachment issues from the constant moving schools/houses/issues with my mum/dad leaving/crazy stepdad/i completely forgot to mention my step-brother who nearly got institutionalised in china because of schizophrenia that i didn’t see after that/constant changing schools.

Also second side note, only figure out recently and I’m probably completely wrong and I can’t remember it properly because I was so young but a kid a few years older than me might have touched me up when I was younger. It wasn’t anything serious, it just made me uncomfortable when I realise. I don’t know if I want to talk about it though because there’s a part of me that wonders if I just invented this trauma to make me feel special or some shit and YES I’m aware that’s the dumbest shit to ever think but oh well. Edit: also I feel like I have no friends/they're constantly changing. Also, childhood Moreton bullying.

[ravnclaw]

Many Questions

Thank you @sakura-studyblr for the tag!

LAST: 

1. Drink: Water

2. Phone call: Dad

3. Text message: Mom

4. Song you listened to: I forgot but it was instrumentals from a movie

5. Time you cried: I don’t remember when, but I remember it was because of stress LOL

HAVE YOU:

6. Dated someone twice: I’ve never dated and I don’t plan to until im older but you never know

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: Never kissed either ahahah

8. Been cheated on: my dog ran to my friend first and i felt pretty cheated that day

9. Lost someone special: luckily i haven’t 

10. Been depressed: idk

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: i have never gotten drunk, and i hope i never will because i don’t like the idea of me doing something out of my control

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 

12. Blue 

13. Purple

14. Grey/Silver

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: yes

16. Fallen out of love: I don’t think i have fallen in love?? like i have had crushes but never love

17. Laughed until you cried: yeah

18. Found out someone was talking about you: nope

19. Met someone who changed you: nah

20. Found out who your friends are: i’ve definitely realized who my true friends are

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: nope

GENERAL: 

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: all of them, some i don’t talk to anymore, but i have met them all irl before at one point (i hope)

23. Do you have any pets: i have a dog & i love him so much

24. Do you want to change your name: yeah i’ve been wanting to change it since i was in elementary!! i would probably just swap my first name (doah) and middle name (esther) since the second one is a more common name.

25. What did you do for your last Birthday: i combined my birthday with my friend and we just inv people & ate food 

26. What time did you wake up: 9 AM because i slept late reading ;-;

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: reading

28. Name something you can’t wait for: ok this sounds so lame but im actually pretty excited for school

29. When was the last time you saw your mom: 20 minutes ago?

30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: my appearance

31. What are you listening to right now: silence

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: yeppp I have a childhood friend named Tom and the first time we met I bit him (we were like 4 ok don’t judge)

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: when people in your group projects don’t do anything, when people say they have OCD just because they don’t like when things are messy, when people don’t try to listen to you, etc.

34. Most visited websites: google

35. Mole/s: a lot

36. Mark/s: birthmark on my arm and a mini scar on my leg

37. Childhood dream: i wanted to be a teacher but not anymore

38. Hair color: dark brown

39. Long or short hair: short but not too short

40. Do you have a crush on someone: at the moment, no

41. What do you like about yourself: my responsibility and my value of education

42. Piercings: ear piercing

43. Blood type: is it bad that i don’t even know my own blood type

44. Nickname: do, dola, doluh, etc.

45. Relationship status: very single

46. Zodiac: libra

47. Pronouns: she/her

48. Favorite TV show: sherlock, hands down

49. Tattoos: none

50. Right or left hand: right handed

51. Surgery: none

52. Hair dyed in different color: i had highlights in the fifth grade LOL

53. Sport: i don’t play anymore but before i used to play tennis, basketball, and swim

54. no question so i will just 

55. Vacation: i’ve been to korea but i really want to go to japan and london

56. Pair of trainers: i have one if that’s what this means

MORE GENERAL: 

57. Eating: food

58. Drinking: water or tea

59. I’m about to: finish answering these questions

idk where #60 is

61. Waiting for: nothing

62. Want: to be successful, happy, and thankful. i want to help others and be able to support and give back to my parents.

63. Get married: depends. i would ideally want to get married, but if my education or work gets in the way, marriage will have to wait.

64. Career: i want to go into medicine and become a doctor. i’m not completely sure what type of doctor i would like to be, though.

65. Hugs or kisses: i do not enjoy physical touch too much, but i guess hugs

66. Lips or eyes: eyes

67. Shorter or taller: if this is talking about an ideal partner, i would say taller

68. Older or younger: older because i tend to enjoy talking to people who are older than me

70. Nice arms or nice stomach: what i would like in a partner: i really don’t care; what i would like for myself: nice stomach i guess

71. Sensitive or loud: sensitivity

72. Hook up or relationship: relationship

73. Troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. Kissed a Stranger: no

75. Drank hard liquor: nope

76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: not permanently lost, but i have had moments where i can’t find them and i’m freaking out but they were on my table the whole time or something

77. Turned someone down: i’ve turned down offers/requests & i’ve turned down bois if that was what this was asking LOL

78. Sex on the first date: nope

79. Broken someone’s heart: i mean i guess if i did if any of the guys that liked me that i didn’t like back actually liked me a lot ?? i hope i never broke someone’s heart though

80. Had your heart broken: nah i’ve never confessed my feelings for someone or anything

81. Been arrested: lol no i hope i never am either

82. Cried when someone died: maybe fictional characters

83. Fallen for a friend: yep but i never told him

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 

84. Yourself: i believe i will get the results that match the amount of work i put in

85. Miracles: i know people in my family that experienced miracles so yes i do believe in them but i do not rely on them

86. Love at first sight: nope

87. Santa Claus: nope i was that one kid who doubted his existence since i was young HAHa, but i faked my belief so i could get gifts

88. Kiss on the first date: nope

OTHER: 

89 is missing too

90. Current best friend name: tbh i don’t really have a best friend but i have many close friends that i would rather not name (is it just me? i consider a best friend only one person)

91. Eye color: same as my hair

92. Favorite movie: hmmmm this is hard. maybe la la land since it was different from many movies i watched or big hero six bc dang it was such an emotional movie

i’ll tag everyone who wants to do this! you can say that i tagged you if you want to answer these !!

[skywailer]

✉️ + i love this idea of yours! followed initially bc of your amazing headcanon for dramione (literally squealed, it was so good) but you also have great content and fics. A+. as for me, I love the ocean, all things ancient greece or rome related, horses, sleeping, and the colour of fresh grass or leaves that are just starting to open in the spring. i've been told that I can be very manipulative, that I have a smirk that rivals a Malfoy, but for me family and friends are always first

Thank you so much!  Plan to make more head canons once I’m out of this rut.  Speaking of which, sorry for the late reply!!!  I’ve been feeling… well, “blegh” these past few days and knew that wouldn’t do for these OC/HCs.  But at last, here it is!  Thanks again, and hope you like it. :)

how you got your Hogwarts acceptance letter: you come from a dignified family of purebloods who have a love of classical music (and honestly, classical anything.  Your family estate is practically an interactive museum), and that summer you were to be formally introduced to the orchestra- Vivaldi in Summer.  You were young, and the dress you had to put on that night was heavy for summer (everything besides a good pair of shorts and a tank top was too heavy, too clingy in the lovely weather) - but it did funny things when you twirled around, so you didn’t care too much.  Besides, your parents promised pastries would be handed out before the concert.  So, it couldn’t be too bad.   It really wasn’t bad at all.  You had fully stuffed yourself that night before seating, and realized that the love for string instruments and crescendos ran in the family.  You loved the emotion of it, and how the orchestra seemed to move in waves as they played- especially the string section with their flowing bows.  It was at a moment of peace within the piece, of soft crooning from the strings and whispers from the winds that a change in the air occurred- like something was fanning air just above your head (which was nice, if a little cold in an already freezing concert hall).  There was a movement of wings, light and graceful - which fit in quite perfectly with the song.  You looked up just as something cream and square flickered to and fro - like a baton keeping rhythm, and you spotted the leaving of a soft brown owl just before the falling envelope dropped onto your face.  When you eventually plucked it off your face to read it, there it was: your long-awaited invitation to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.  Like it was said before, the night out really wasn’t bad at all.

head canons about your trip on the Hogwarts Express: the journey to just the train platform was quite eventful, seeing as you hadn’t slept a wink the night before.  Enter images of you nearly driving your suitcases into innocent bystanders at Kings Cross Station, nearly falling asleep at the wheel of your cart, and almost knocking your owl into incoming train traffic.  Thankfully, you were with friends and one of them seized your cart away from you before you could try and walk through the pillar between 8 and 9, instead of 9 and 10.  You’d stayed awake most of the previous night thinking of where you would sit to get the best views, if you should sit with old friends or try to make new ones, and if you should pack something light to read- or listen to.  When you got onto the train, and sat down in an empty cabin, you forced your eyes open and mouth into a smile for those to enter.  And then the sound of the train’s steam snuck into your ears.  The cushion felt awfully comfortable.  The heavy breakfast in your stomach was warm and filling…  You woke up when the train lurched to a stop at Hogsmeade.

what happened when you went head-to-head hat with the sorting hat: despite coming from a prestigious pureblood family, you didn’t feel any pressure to be sorted into a particular house that night.  There were two houses your parents guessed at, you guessed at, and seemed to be the ones your closest childhood friends were sorted into: ravenclaw and slytherin.  On the one hand, the academia and curiosity of the ravenclaw house intrigued you, and felt mind-opening, and promising for your own academic future.  Yet, on the other, the steel determination of slytherins, as well as their loyalty to those closest to them, and deep history of that house was such a snug fit for you.  In the end, for you, it was a matter of how many of your friends would you be able to group up with, and spend long nights studying, or not studying, in a shared common room.  A majority of your friends, by the last, had been sorted into slytherin.  When you sat on the stool, there was a look of sheer willpower.  When the sorting hat was put upon your head, and it started rummaging through your head- you plastered every known image and concept of slytherin character at the forefront of your thoughts.  Which was quite slytherin of you, really.  The sorting hat knew it, too.  You always loved green, and it looks good on you.

who’s your squad: You hang out with a mix of ravenclaw and slytherin personalities, including Padma, Pansy and Theo, but you have a close ring of friends that you’ve had since you were little and continue to have at Hogwarts (and Beauxbatons, from your family’s summer stays in France).  A majority of these friends are slytherins too, with a dash of ravenclaw and hufflepuff.  You admire Hermione Granger from a distance, loathe her for checking out books before you could get your hands on them, and definitely mooch off the Weasleys for Molly’s homemade pies, which she sends to family and friends during Christmas time - and you made sure to get one, too.  Fred and George Weasley are good stress relievers, and you absolutely… haven’t.. you know, suggested people they should prank, or anything like that.

general first-year shenanigans you were up to while Harry was being Harry:

once you overslept horribly, and in your rush to eat something quick and get to class- you accidentally drank a glass of firewhiskey a housemate left in the common room (it was the party the night before that had kept you up later than you would’ve wanted, but you couldn’t get them to shut up).  … You were tipsy during Potions.  Threw up on Professor Snape.  Detention was a nightmare, but you made sure to drag in the idiot who brought firewhiskey into the dorm.  Detention was a much worse nightmare for him.  You made sure of that.

during your free time, you’d volunteer to look after the horses on campus, even during the winter season when help is needed most (you made sure to bundle up and practically waddle your way to the stables).

you once read about thestrals and sometimes tracked them in the forest, even if you couldn’t - and hoped not to - see them.  Sometimes you met with Luna out there, and she’d describe them to you, guide you to feed them.

despite being a first-year, you were able to smooth-talk Madam Pince into giving you full-access to the library, specifically the restricted section.  For research, into the classic texts of magic, of course.  Purely academic. 

you continue to help Madam Pince with the daily ins and outs of the library, in exchange for extended loan periods and an extremely lenient clause on eating in the library (you’re the only one who gets away with munching away with a book in hand).

she doesn’t even mind it when you fall asleep and drool on the tables.  

no one really understands how you got into Madam Pince’s good graces, but since you are people ask favors of you, and you get to reap quite a few benefits from this glorious arrangement.

you once snuck into the kitchen in the middle of the night to get first dibs on christmas pastries.

you got caught.  You’re not very good at sneaking around.

but you’re very good at keeping out of detention, ever since that first and only experience.  In exchange for sweets, you told mythological stories about roman and greek gods to the house elves. 

this arrangement has continued, with a new story every Sunday for a new flavor of cake, made just for you.  Eventually, you started bringing some cake back for your friends.

Some.

you missed home so much, and being on the seaside, that you tried to enchant sand on the lake, to make a pseudo-beach.  Consequently, you ended up getting into a non-verbal argument with the Giant Squid. 

there was a lot of squid arm-waving and sand-throwing.

you won the battle, but not the war- you were still plucking sand out of your hair on the year-end ride home.

[annamariemirfin]

So what have I actually been doing these past couple of weeks?

I realise I haven’t actually written about what I’ve been doing for the past week and a bit. So here’s what I’ve been up to:

This week I have had my first HelpX experience at a property just outside of Victoria. 

This is the HelpX listing for it: http://www.helpx.net/host.asp?hostid=56045&network=4http://www.helpx.net/host.asp?hostid=56045&network=4

The company: The owners of this house, a retried couple Glynis and Bruce and their daughter Morgan who lives downstairs with her three children (who are all pretty well behaved!), and two other HelpX’rs (a young couple from France).

Glynis and Bruce are incredibly kind, generous and successful people! Bruce is gentle, softly spoken, extremely generous, quietly funny, and full of stories from his travels. He lived in Whitehorse, the Yukon for about 30 years where he started his own surveying company. He’s worked everywhere from South America to Antarctica. Glynis is thoughtful, loving, artistic, talkative and always enthusiastic to meet new people and try new things. She has done an amazing number of things in her time - teaching, clinical psychology, film school, starting her own lanscaping and tech businesses. She has made me feel welcome, comfortable and at home here and I am very lucky for that.

They have an amazing house and property which they have worked intensively to restore and enhance for the past four years. 

The two other HelpX’rs that I’m working with, Valentin and Elodie, are both a little older than me and they have been traveling, living and working in Australia, New Zealand, and Hawaii over the past few years. They are very friendly, generous, kind and, loyal, dedicated workers. Elodie in particular is a very sweet, positive, loving and cheerful person. She has a rare kind of energy and goodness about her that I think is quite uncommon to find (and that might make people like me feel bad about themselves in comparison sometimes !!) Even in the rain and the cold, she’ll usually supply some sort of positive statement to keep moral up (and she’ll even sound like she believes it too!)

Morgan is an awesome lady. She’s very social / good with people, clever and full of energy. Any time she walks into the room (often with a child or two in tow) the energy of the room seems to lift, even if she’s just looking for salad tongs or a bit of garlic in the kitchen. 

The work that I’ve been doing: the arrangement is that we will work 5 hours per day in exchange for our food and board. So far I’ve done pruning, weeding, staining, seed planting and general property clean up projects (raking, pruning, weeding mostly). I have now unexpectedly experienced quite a range of general labour jobs since being in Canada including my renovation / cleaning efforts in Yellowknife. 

My time here has been a mixture of both positive and negative experiences ( which have mainly been a matter of timing / weather, and my own psyche) but ultimately I am glad that I had this experience. I think it has been valuable, I’m glad to add it to my list of experiences in Canada. I have learnt a lot from it. 

In terms of the positives: 

I did more gardening tasks than I’ve ever done. I saw how it could be a rewarding, relaxing activity. It also made me consider what more I could learn and do in this area. Working outside on the days when it was sunny was also very lovely.

I’ve enjoyed exploring Metchosin, Victoria and other nearby areas. On the very first day after work, Bruce took Elodie, Valentin and I to Pedder Bay, a cute marina that’s just a short drive away from the house, where we sat and drank tea in the sun. On other days I visited the local beach, simply walked around the property recording the beautiful sights that I saw and appreciated, walked along the Galloping Goose trail, and visited Port Ranfrew and the Avatar forest. 

I got to experience how rewarding it can be to just relax, simply spend time with others, and live co-operatively with them. There were days when Glynis, Elodie and I would all talk and laugh together as we prepared prepared food in the kitchen. Every evening all five of us would eat and talk to together at dinnertime, and usually everyone would spend some time together afterwards. Sometimes I watched art films with Glynis (Frida, The Woman in Gold). These moments were so lovely. I felt refreshed, more relaxed, happy and whole. It is such a simple thing to appreciate the company of others and live co-operatively, and it’s something that I have so often overlooked or neglected in the past. I see these times, the past two evenings in particular as bright - sunny - happy. 

BUT (and here are the negatives) on the flip side, I didn’t do this nearly enough because I spent so much time trying to plan what I was doing next, or I wasn’t interactive / social enough during the day time, again, due to tiredness or worry. This is a great shame. Which meant that in addition to feeling bad, I also ended up feeling bad about feeling bad, because I was in a situation where I was meant to be living co-operatively, spending time communally, and being a nice, positive, helpful person to be around. 

The others definitely noticed my signals and mood. The were kind, helpful and pretty understanding about it so I was lucky there. Everyone advised me to relax and concentrate on the present. Take one experience at a time. Maybe I could have, maybe I couldn’t have. But what is done is done, I have learnt from the experience and I can appreciate how this situation is challenging for me. How it would be challenging for anyone. The most important thing is to look after myself now and enjoy my experiences. 

Another negative was the weather. The days where it was freezing and raining were pretty brutal. And so I experienced how gardening tasks could also feel challenging or unenjoyable at times too. 

What I feel I’ve taken from the experience overall (the bulleted conclusion, summary list): 

-I can enjoy elements of gardening and sometimes, particularly when it’s raining or when I’m tired, I can’t. 

- There are a few simple ways of achieving happiness that we often forget about: spending time and effort caring for others, being helpful, thoughtful, selfless, and enjoying their company

-Learn to live in the present. 

-Make a decision and analyse the consequences later. A decision is better than indecision. (And many other reflections and helpful life hints about decision making). 

-I appreciated a new area of BC and had memorable experiences. 

[miranda-corcoran-blog]

PRIVPROMPT 006 → HEADCANONS

ABOUT MIRANDA::

✘ Anyone who’s ever asked her her favorite superhero has gotten the same, accurate answer: Sailor Moon. ✘ She’s left handed. ✘ Her favorite color is blue and her favorite animal is an otter. ✘ Disney movies helped her to learn English and she has a special place in her heart for them. Her favorite is Tarzan. ✘ She started going by Miranda when she was 8. She picked it up watching Lizzie Maguire. ✘ Before she was legally adopted, she’d already planned on changing her first name as soon as she was old enough. ✘ She will go into anaphylactic shock if she’s stung by bees/hornets/wasps, and always carries an Epipen with her in the spring and summer just as a precaution. ✘ She doesn't know how to swim. ✘ She didn't get her driver's license until she was 19. ✘ She has a tendency to overstock her cupboards. Her fridge, not so much because she knows most of that stuff would go bad faster, but from being in one too many foster homes were food wasn't always available, it's become a bit of a nervous habit that she doesn't even realize unless someone points it out to her. She does the same with blankets - her hallway closets are practically bursting from the amount of comforters and throws she's accumulated, but as someone who's experienced how cold it can get if she doesn't pay her heating bill, she isn't going to risk being that sort of cold ever again.  ✘ After meeting Shelby, she gained a love for musicals. Her favorite is actually Jekyll and Hyde, for some strange reason, but some of her other top choices are: My Fair Lady, the Lion King. A Little Night Music, RENT, Newsies, Annie, and The Secret Garden. ✘ She enjoys singing but should never, ever, /ever/ be allowed to do so in public. For lack of a nicer term, her voice is like nails on a chalkboard. And she’s thus far been delegated to blasting her own rendition Part of Your World in the shower. ✘ She knows the names of her birth parents but has yet to do anything with this information. ✘ She has never drank or done any sort of drug. She was even hesitant to take any of the Vicodin prescribed to her after she had her wisdom teeth removed. She’s seen what alcohol and drugs can do, and what sort of effect those things can have on children, and she doesn’t ever want to risk being like that.  ✘ She has mild PTSD that was diagnosed around the time she was 15. For the most part, she has it under control, but the sounds of someone yelling near/at her will cause her to freeze and completely shut down. ✘ .She has one tattoo and would love to get more, but she almost passed out from pain at the first one, and that was fairly small, so she’s holding off for now. ✘ She is “the mom friend.” The items she always carries in her purse include, but are not limited to: granola bars, tissues, bandaids, a small sewing kit, extra feminine hygeine products, money for cab fare, and so on. ✘ Actual human sunshine

ABOUT LANGUAGE because i could very well have written half her biography about this::

✘ Even though Bosnian is technically her first language, she’s almost entirely lost the ability to speak/understand it. She can remember ‘hello’, ‘goodbye’, and she’s managed to retain the ability to count to seven, but other than that, she doesn’t know it at all. ✘ She is slightly ashamed that she can’t speak it - her parents gave her up in the hopes that she would be raised to know and appreciate their language and culture, and while Miranda wants to be able to speak it out of respect for that, all she can associate with the language are the Zahirovics (her original adopted family, who would constantly yell at her and one another) and the psychological hurt that came later as a result of speaking it. ✘ She was constantly teased and bullied as a young child for not knowing English because, up until being placed in the system, she had had very limited exposure to it. Even afterwards, being in a new environment proved to be more difficult when nobody took the time to actually try and teach her English. ✘ She blames her lack of English skills as a reason it took so long for her to be adopted. Not many people were interested in a child who they couldn’t communicate with, after all. ✘ Now that she speaks it, she tries to sound as eloquent and as well-educated as she can, occasionally coming of as pretentious. This is as a result of never wanting anyone doubt that her English isn’t topnotch, lest she be teased and ridiculed again. ✘ Over the years, her voice has become a sort of safety blanket in that, if all else fails, she knows she will never have to worry about not being able to understand people around her again. In a way, her talking so much is a result of being able to talk without fear of being thought an idiot. ✘ One of the biggest things she wants to do in terms of fixing the foster care system is make language resources more readily available to children who come from non-native English speaking homes.

ABOUT THE CORCORANS::

✘ Miranda was never fostered by Shelby, but she did meet her as a foster child and grew incredibly close to her. ✘ Miranda is every bit the overprotective sister she feels she was always meant to be.  ✘ More here bc i’m lazy ✘ Her sisters’ inspire her to do even more good in the world - she is well away that none of them had the best start to life, and she want to spare everyone else the sort of hurt, abandonment, and trauma they’ve gone through.

MISC::

✘ She has two adopted bunnies: Lola, a three year old French lop bunny, and Daisy, a two year old bunny who’s breed she hasn’t been able to pinpoint down but who she loves all the same.