#i feel bad only tagging chris aside from personal lol

[engagedtobefree]

I’ve been struggling the past few weeks a bit with my mood. I feel kind of apathetic, I guess you could say. My usual optimism has been a struggle to tap into, but I think it’s finally coming around. To be fair to me, this new year has been a bit rough, and I don’t think I’ve actually had time to stop and process everything. I rang in the new year in bed, sick from a virus, then 3 weeks later just as I was starting to feel better, my friend Craig died. Then two days after his viewing, I was sick with covid for the first time ever. After I got over that, I developed a UTI, which luckily wasn’t as bad as it usually is. I tend to get them fairly easily because of my bladder disorder, but of course after I was getting back into the swing of things after covid, I fell asleep super early one night with a completely full bladder, and that was that 🙃 Then a few weeks later my mom and I had to put her dog to sleep. And really, the rest of it has been me trying to catch up while also focusing on trying to improve my mental health, which is a plate full all on its own. 

Oh, and Idk if I mentioned I’m writing a poem a day this year. Me, who is not consistent with anything, struggles with routines, and has never kept a streak of anything beyond maybe 2 or 3 weeks, has written 100 fucking poems this year!! Today will be day 101 once I write it. I’m actually so glad I started this, because I have needed it to process so many things and also it’s been one of the few saving graces of this year so far. It was a last-minute decision too. I didn't really plan for it, write it down as a goal, or think too much about it; I asked for a notebook for Christmas and my mom ended up getting me 3, one of which has 366 pages, which is perfect since it’s a leap year. That meant I could use a page a day. I wanted to increase my vocabulary, relearn and learn anew about poetry itself, get creative every day, and also write more often so I have the chance to not stay stuck writing about one thing for months and months and months. I take forever to finish a poem because 1. I write inconsistently and 2. I overanalyze every single word because I want it to reflect as accurately as possible what I’m writing about and I also want it to be “good”. My poems have always been deeply personal, so the truth of how I speak through them has always been very important to me. Since I’ve started doing this though, I noticed that I can still do that without spending forever on something, and that the more I write, the more inspiration blesses me. I still have my separate book for my other stuff, but I’ve almost exclusively been focusing on my daily poems since this year started, mostly because that’s all I have time for. No doubt once I get back to my other book, I will still take my time lol, which is fine, cuz now I still have my dailies. Also I realized that it’s okay that my “good” looks different every day, and not everything I write has to be a masterpiece. I’ve always been very self-critical, and this has helped me realize that expecting only “good” material is treating myself as a machine rather than a human being. If I don’t like what I write that day, at least I wrote something, and there will be another opportunity to write again tomorrow. I will probably still be really anal about editing stuff later, but right now, writing every day has been a lot of fun. 

Okay, so now it's time to dive into my personal problems! Wooo! I’m going to start with the one issue I have been hoping for a very long time now would be irrelevant, and that’s Scott. I don’t even tag his name anymore in any personal posts I’ve vented about him in because I just want this to go away, but he has been incessantly trying to get my attention. Literally. Things ended between us a good year and a half ago, but he tried to come back last summer and I was very, very, VERY clear about not wanting to try again and just being friends. He would occasionally reach out to me but it was just niceties and nothing to really worry about, though it did annoy me when he would contact me. But ever since the new year began, he was pestering me almost weekly, asking if I wanted to hang out, commenting on literally every single Snapchat story I post, and asking how I’ve been and saying he misses me. I had legit excuses for the first month and half with getting sick 3 separate times and then my friend Craig dying, but since then it’s mostly been me going to bed before he messages me, ignoring his messages till the morning, him skipping a week in not contacting me, or me just saying I’m too tired for company, which wasn’t actually a lie tbh. I ignored the situation as long as I could before I finally succumbed to the reality that I couldn’t ignore it forever. 

Not this past Friday but the one before was the day I finally decided to deal with it. He was messaging me much earlier in the day than usual, like literally I wasn’t even done work yet, but that also gave me time to feel out what I wanted to do. He asked if he could come over and I told him yes, but then added something pretty close to “I don’t know what your expectations are, but I want you to know that everything I said last summer still stands. I haven’t changed my mind about anything. I am only interested in friendship and nothing more.” I didn’t want him here without me first saying anything to him because I knew he wasn’t going to say anything to me beforehand and I didn’t want to feel like I was caught in some sort of trap in my own home, aka my safe space. He opened my message then didn’t respond for maybe half an hour or so. When he did respond, he said he wanted to hook up with me but he respected if I didn’t want to. Then he said he did really want to be friends at least because he likes me as a person. I told him I know it’s not what he wanted to hear, but I didn’t want him coming here with some idea that something could happen, and that a friendship is really all I want. He responded back that he thought he should tell me before coming over. Okay, so I have a lot to say (vent) about all of that. First off, he wasn’t planning on telling me shit until I said something. He was going to come here and then ask if I wanted to hook up, putting me in an awkward situation when I previously established very clearly I only wanted a friendship and have not even once since then indicated that I have any interest in anything more. This leads me into the second thing which is that he wasn’t even considering what I wanted, just what he wanted. I am very intentional with showing interest. I do not flirt or lead people on. If I flirt, it means I am interested. I have not flirted with Scott since before we even ended things. I send a lot of emojis to anyone and everyone when I message, but I have not sent him any since we broke things off. I also only say someone’s name when messaging if they say mine first or if I am interested. There are some more exceptions to that rule, but if I am consistently saying your name when reaching out, I’m interested. I have not said Scott’s name in messages since before we broke things off. I know that it might not seem like much, but all of that paired with me literally saying I don’t want to try again and only want to be friends should be more than enough to indicate I’m not interested. Thirdly, of course you are going to respect my decision because you’re not going to force me to change my mind. (When he did come over that night, I had a knife and my Simplisafe alert button near me just in case. I don’t think I will ever need them with Scott but you never know.)

I wasn’t sure if he would actually still want to come over after I turned him down, but he was not deterred. Everything went smoothly and it wasn’t awkward, thankfully. He was, however, acting very differently than usual. He was friendly, engaging, talkative, and gave me a bunch of compliments. If he had done this switcheroo like 2 years ago, I might have fallen for it, might have second guessed the fact that I wasn’t being treated right and that I wasn’t happy and ignored that deep down I didn't actually want to be with him, but I’m way past that now. The way he was acting was how he always acted with everyone else except me, which in the past, hurt me a lot. When it came to me, he was often cold, distant, non-communicative, inconsiderate. So for me, him doing this now only really solidifies him in the friendship role. It’s weird in a way because I previously wanted him to act this way with me, like how he did with friends and acquaintances, because it was the nicer Scott, not realizing that if he treated me like other people, it would put me in the same role as them. But now, me actually fulfilling my wish from years ago puts me in the friend/acquaintance role by him being nicer to me. I got my wish, but it happened much later than past me wanted and in a way I hadn’t intended, and it does me more service now than it would have then. I mean, I know there’s the extra caveat of him hoping it will get him laid, but in reality, it pushes him even further away from that than he was to begin with, which was already pretty dang far. I guess in his mind, he thinks there’s a chance I could eventually want him again, or at least enough to sleep with him, but that chance is zero. If I decided I’m done with someone, that means I spent a long time thinking over the situation, how I’m being treated, how I feel about them, who they really are as a person, our relationship and dynamic, if it’s actually really love or something else, what a future with them would look like, etc etc etc. I don’t make decisions like this lightly; I look from every angle and leave no stone unturned, so when I decide I’m done, that means I’m done. For good. Forever. Scott does not know this, but as I’ve said, I haven’t given him a single reason to hope. He’s decided on his own that something could still possibly happen in the future. When he left, he told me to not be a stranger and that we should catch up again soon. I don’t plan on that, but I was happy with how things went, oddly enough. I didn’t really want to see him, but the fact that I did and that I was able to set a clear boundary made me happy, and I felt a sort of completion around the situation. No doubt he’s still going to contact me (he already has lol), but I don’t feel worried or annoyed by it anymore. I’m happy with my decision, restated my boundary with a lot more confidence than last time (not that I should have had to repeat it though), and I feel like I can look forward now without having to worry too much about this. I didn’t feel unsafe, though I figured I wouldn’t, but I wanted to take some extra precautions just in case since I do live alone.

It’s funny because a few years ago when Scott and I still worked together, I had reached a place of complete acceptance with the situation and was able to be completely content with what it was without needing any answers. It was actually during that time that I think we formed a pretty decent friendship, and that’s when I felt we did best. At the time, I thought that what I was feeling was only because of how I was able to find my peace with everything, but looking back now, I think it’s also because that was just where we thrived best together: in a friendship. I’m not going to actively work at being his friend now, especially because I know he still has hopes that I’ll change my mind (I won’t) and something will happen (it won’t), but at least right now, I don’t need to block him or cut him off, which means I don’t feel in danger or like I’m being harassed. However, I don’t like that he still treats me like I’m stupid. I know why he is suddenly making such an effort and doing a total 180 in how he’s treating me. I saw it immediately and haven’t fallen for it for a second, so the fact that he thinks I might actually fall for this is a bit insulting to my intelligence. I’m sure some of it is actually genuine, like him saying he’d like to be friends regardless, which is fine, but just don’t insult me in the process, dude. Also, if he continues to not respect my decision and tries to pressure me, I will block him and cut him off. He can be my friend, he just needs to accept that nothing more will come of it.

Anyway, I feel like I was able to work through that finally. I’ve also been working on some of the past trauma from him, though I had to put a lot of that on hold because of everything that went on this year. I know I can’t move forward until it no longer has such a strong effect on me. I think how I handled the situation now says a lot. When he tried to come back last year, I was anxious, emotional, and very uncomfortable with having to handle the situation and tell Scott I didn’t want to try again. I was still processing a lot of past trauma and while I was positive about not wanting to be with him, I was afraid of hurting him. This time was so different!! I 100% put myself first, and I didn’t feel an ounce of guilt for stating what I wanted and not compromising where I shouldn’t. Growing up in an abusive household where there was a lack of boundaries and respect instilled a false belief in me that caring about how I’m treated is wrong and that attempting to do so is insulting and harmful to the other person. I do still have to deal with this from time to time, but I handle it much better now, and I hope I only continue to grow in that regard. I am 32 years old and still learning to untangle the web of lies that abuse taught me, but here I am, fucking doing it and making so much progress with it. I’m so proud of myself.

So now I’m going to unsmoothly segway into talking about Chris now. This poor guy lol. Anytime I write a personal post on here he ends up in it, and he doesn’t even talk to me. Sorry, Chris, but you’re still on my mind. Some of this is also actually relevant to what I was just talking about though so I’m going to start with that. So back in November when I had my last appointment with him, I struggled a lot. I felt I did some things fairly well, but when it came to flirting and asking if he was single, I failed. If I had to choose a physical representation of it, it would be someone falling flat on their face, trying to get up, then falling again and conceding to lay there till it was over. Chris has no way of knowing why I couldn’t. I mean, if he happened to guess, I’d be very impressed. Back when I worked with Scott, it was difficult. I was unknowingly flirting with a married man for months, who flirted back with me, and then after I found out he was married I was mortified. We ended up on friendly terms and then I developed feelings for him. We stayed friendly and I would talk to him all the time at work. He would start flirting with me again and then I’d naively think maybe something was going on, maybe he separated from his wife or was going through a divorce, so I’d flirt back. Then after several weeks of that, nothing would happen, he’d never bring anything up, so I’d ask him what was going on and he’d tell me nothing, he was married, it is what it is, this can never go anywhere. Then I’d get upset and mad that I fell for it, stop talking to him for a while, and then the cycle would repeat. There was one period where I accepted I wasn’t going to get answers (I mentioned it above) and so we were just friends and nothing more, and that was really the only good, healthy period we had. That was like the second half of 2019 up until he left in October 2020, of course with most of 2020 being working from home. Other than that, it was mostly turmoil, and mostly for me. I was 26 when everything started, and Scott was 44. I kept placing my trust in an older man to do the right thing and to not come into work and flirt with me unless he was available, but I was really naive. I talked to him because I wanted to, not because I expected anything to happen, which I didn’t want anyway unless his marriage broke off, but when he would flirt with me again, it would give me false hope that something could actually happen. I always felt such extreme guilt every time too, knowing that once more I was pursuing a married man who was leading me on while his wife had no idea about any of it. I still carry guilt from my actions during that time, because had I known from the beginning that he was married, I would’ve never looked again in his direction. I was so ashamed of myself for so long because I had a choice to say, “No, this cannot continue, I cannot trust this man unless he gives me an explicit reason that I can”, but instead, I chose to keep trusting. I chose to keep flirting. I have worked through some of that shame and guilt, but not all of it. I recognize that I did try over and over again to not interact with him and to avoid him, but his office door was literally 5 feet from my cubicle, which made it hard. To be clear, I never would have had an affair or taken it outside the office at all. He did bring that up fairly early on during a period when I wasn’t pissed off about things, and I told him I did not want to have an affair with him and he agreed. Now that I think about it, I wonder if his answer was dependent on mine though. This scenario kind of happened again after we reconnected back in May/June of 2021. Since he and his wife had separated recently, he made it clear he didn’t want to enter anything new, no dating or romantic partnership until later down the line, but he wasn’t sure about sexual, so he left that up to me to think about. When I told him no, he agreed, but I was never sure if his response would’ve been different if I had said yes.

Anyway, continuing…I felt very stuck, and it was something I brought up all the time in therapy. I didn’t know how to get unstuck. I was only a temp at my job at the time, and I didn’t have health insurance or any time off. NJ didn’t enact the statewide mandate that all employees must be given at least 2 sick days a year until the same month I was finally hired permanently, so if I took any time off, I didn’t get paid for it. (I just looked it up to confirm the date it was enacted to make sure I had it right, and apparently it’s 40 hours now that are mandatory, which is cool they improved the policy!!) I worked a second job and still lived paycheck-to-paycheck. I couldn’t afford to spend more than $20-$30 a week on groceries, which included toiletries and cleaning supplies. I had to stop paying my electric bill because I couldn’t afford it and I needed the shut-off notice to get assistance to help pay for the bill, which thankfully covered several months and also covered my past-due amounts. My apartment was old and shitty, but it was the only place that was affordable for me at the time. My first year there was $715 a month then the 2nd year was $740. It was definitely a health hazard though: the carpets were musty despite several cleanings; there was water damage in the wall and on the ceiling; the water damage on the ceiling was above my bed, which I couldn’t move anywhere else, and kept forming mold that my complex just kept painting over; the front door wasn’t fit right so there were huge gaps between the door and the frame; the water heater would switch to cold after only 5 or 10 minutes in the shower; and the heating system was so old that in the winter it cost me $200+ just to heat my tiny little 400 square foot studio apartment (it was all electric). I couldn’t interview for other jobs because that meant I wouldn’t get paid if I took time off and then that meant I’d have to stress even more over what bill wouldn’t get paid or if I’d have to eat even less than my 2 meals a day. I had to make sure my cat and guinea pig were fed before I fed myself. At my other job, I worked Sunday brunches, which were the most stressful and busiest shifts, so no other hostess wanted to partner with working on them let alone working it by themselves, which often led to me working the whole shift by myself, and I took up other shifts if I had the time or energy to. My mental health was not great and was only made worse by my life circumstances, and I had to go on a second anxiety medication for a while to stop my anxiety attacks.

I wanted to be out of the situation with Scott, even if that meant leaving to go work someplace else, but I was already doing everything I could and I still couldn’t find a way out without jeopardizing my well-being even further. Moving back in with my mom, which was something I eventually did and regretted, was not an option for me because I worked really hard to get out of the abusive household I grew up in. I say all of this not as an excuse but for context. And for forgiveness. I look back at my younger self and she was dealing with so much stress. My basic needs were not even being fully met, but I continued to show up and to handle things in the best ways I could, and sometimes the decisions I made weren’t actually good ones at all. Still though, I kept believing in people, I kept hoping for the best and trusting, and I was actually really grateful for my life at the time, probably even more so than I am now. I didn’t have much, but I had my own place, my own life, freedom, and that was always something I held onto, even during the worst of things. I tried desperately to find a way to let go of my feelings for Scott, but I couldn’t help how I felt because I kept choosing to see the best while ignoring the rest. It took me a very long time to realize Scott was not the one for me and that he wasn’t the type of person I wanted as my romantic partner. I didn’t accept him fully, flaws and all, and we were not compatible in the ways we needed to be. I wouldn’t have been happy if we did get together, but unfortunately I didn’t see all of that until after he left my work, separated from his wife, and reached out to me on Instagram to connect again and start what would eventually become a “situationship” between us. Still, I’m glad I saw it sooner rather than later and before it devolved into an actual romantic relationship. 

So when I could feel myself hesitation the first time and then shaking the second time when I went to ask Chris if he was single, it was from that past period of my life. I saw it all flash in my mind immediately: all the times I confronted Scott and the answers I got back, and all of the sureness and trust I felt about Chris was immediately squashed by those images. I wrote about a bunch of parallels in my post after my appointment with him, but I wanted to dive a bit deeper into that here in a broader sense. Man at his work flirting with me. Check. Man makes it known he’s interested, then doesn’t take it anywhere. Check. Man offers no explanation whatsoever for that. Check. Man does not willingly mention his relationship status. Check. Man is cautious about what information he gives about himself and words things so that while he can respond, he never actually reveals anything about himself or his life. Check. In someone else’s mind, those might just be indicators of someone who is reserved, guarded, private, whatever. In my mind, those checks are potential red flags. Those checked boxes come with the thoughts, “Oh no, am I going to flirt with an unavailable man again? Am I going to get caught in a similar situation that causes me a lot of duress and emotional pain? Am I going to unwillingly be complicit in some man’s selfish attempts at getting attention from me?” Chris doesn’t know any of that. I felt disappointed in myself after my appointment, and I felt like I had probably disappointed him too, though I don’t know for sure. If I had the chance to tell him why, I would, even if I had to sum it up briefly. I mean, I guess I could just say how I was in a situation with someone before where they weren’t trustworthy and it affected me more than I realized. Turns out traumatic things actually traumatize you. Who knew? 🙃 That’s assuming it’s even necessary for me to explain, since I have no idea at this point if Chris is still interested. He hasn’t brought up the date, and I have tried to initiate meeting up twice with no luck. I’m willing to be patient and wait, but I don’t know exactly what it is I’m waiting for. Is there really a possibility this can go somewhere, or am I being duped again? I didn’t reach out for 2 ½ months, but then last weekend I texted him, and it took several days for us to send only a few messages. He only responded once or twice a day, and then he did that thing again where he told me to have a wonderful day at the end of his message, then when I responded back with a bit more, he never responded back. I still don’t know how to take that. He did say he’s been getting sick like every other week, which is weird cuz that’s exactly what happened to me in the beginning of the year, so I can understand he may not be up for talking to anyone or even checking his phone at all, but I don’t know if that’s what it was or not. I don’t mind slow responses, but it would help to know what was going on and where I stand. Otherwise, it confuses me and I don’t know what to make of it.

I also don’t know if I’m being too impatient? He gave me his number last May and didn’t mention going on a date until December. Obviously, with how this year has gone just for me alone, not including him being sick and whatever else he has going on, nothing could have really happened since he mentioned the date. Maybe I’m being too hopeful? I don’t know 😕 I also don’t know if I have worked through what I needed to regarding Scott, because I have nothing to trigger it. That time of my life when we worked together was triggered only when an outside catalyst brought it up, one that placed me back in a moment that was similar and reminded me of it. The only way I’ll really know for sure that I’ve overcome all of this and am ready to step forward without the past holding me back is when I’m with Chris. There’s no one else I’m interested in, I’m rarely ever into anyone anyway, I don’t like random dating, and I have no interest in hooking up with random people, so there is literally not a single other person who can do this. I can’t know on my own; I can only do the work and hope that I’ve made progress with it and healed from it. At this point, I guess I’ll find out soon enough if I can pursue Chris without old baggage weighing me down since my appointment is coming up. I know I will still probably have some trepidations and fears that pop up, but as long as the most traumatic things are taken care of, I can push through all the other stuff.

I had my yearly appointment with the oral surgeon scheduled for the 15th of this month to make sure the dense spot in my jaw bone hasn’t grown, but he won’t be in that day so it got pushed back to the 29th. My next cleaning with Chris is scheduled for 2 ½ weeks later on May 16th. I feel nervous even thinking about it. At my last appointment I wasn’t sure what to expect since over the course of 6 months he only reached out to me 2 or 3 times, and after a while I gave up on reaching out to him because I was confused. I was determined to see him during this current time frame before my next appointment, but it looks like that isn’t going to happen. I feel like I’m going to really put myself out there and take some risks when my appointment does come around. Nothing is moving along, which I know we’re both contributing to, so I want to at least feel good knowing that I did my part, and I don’t feel that way yet. So far, I’ve relied on past trauma and doubt to take the lead more than I’ve allowed the present and trust to do so, and I want to flip that now. I have been trying not to think about everything with Chris that has been shouting “GREEN FLAG!!” at me because a lot of it isn’t logical but rather intuitive and spiritual, but I think that those places are where the answer actually lies. Overthinking gets me nowhere, so I have to stop letting it be an option. I can still be cautious, but not to a degree where it is detrimental to anything happening at all.

Aside from past trauma interfering there’s definitely been a few other things that have contributed to my lack of pursuit here. In general, I never know how people perceive me. I have always felt like I come off as unlikable, so even when people tell me good things about myself, I struggle to hold onto those things and believe in them. I’ve been trying to shift that because I know that is a belief I hold and not necessarily one that is true. I’m sure there have been people who genuinely have not liked me as a person, but with 8 billion people in the world, odds are at least some of them do or will like me. I mean, I do have friends and the one and only yoga class I teach at the moment continues to get a lot of students, so that all has to say something. I think a big part of that belief I hold also stems from childhood trauma, but I can’t remember when it started. For as long as I can remember, it feels like I’ve always felt that way about myself. So when Chris literally doesn’t talk to me, takes a whole day to respond when I reach out, and then hasn’t actually planned the date that he brought up months ago, I just assume the worst. Logically, I know there could be a whole host of other reasons that might not have anything to do with me, or maybe even something else that does, but it’s hard for me to shake off how I’ve thought about myself for pretty much my entire life. So in my mind, a quick assumption that pops up is that I’m bothering Chris when he wants nothing to do with me. I don’t want to place any assumptions or expectations on him, but untangling those is difficult and is taking longer than I would like them to. This is something that I actually personally started working on years ago, and while it might not be apparent, I’ve made a TON of progress with it. I used to be a lot worse with it, but I still have some ways to go. I know that it’s my responsibility to find peace within myself no matter what external circumstances look like. Anway, back to the other stuff. There’s also been the other things that have been taking forever, like feeling at peace with the Scott situation, which I feel like has finally freaking happened, and then personal accountability I have with other things, like my ADD, which I’m still working on finding the right medication for. I have to remind myself though that it’s okay to be a work-in-progress. I tend to be in this “Everything needs to be perfect before anything can happen” mindset (with everything, not just romance), but in reality, things will never be perfect. If anything is ever 100% perfect and nothing is going wrong, it won’t last forever. Even the bad stuff doesn’t. The person meant for me won’t care and will want to handle all our messes together. But first I have to show up and be willing to tackle all those things on my own to the best of my abilities. I think I have been doing that, but I need to expand it a bit more to everything, and not just the more immediate things. My mental health struggles don’t make it any easier, but that only means I have to be more gentle and understanding with myself while continuing to work towards finding solutions, that’s all.

I’ve also struggled with that aspect of forgiving myself for past mistakes, not just the ones I made regarding Scott but with other things as well. I wonder why I deserve the relationship and connection I desire, what makes me so great and special as to receive it, and whether I’m even worthy of someone looking at me and knowing that I’m it for them. I wrote about this in my daily poem the other night. It was about a bunch of stuff but Chris was included in it. I’m not going to post the actual wording of what I wrote because I’m not ready to share that poem yet, even though that particular section is my favorite within the whole piece, but essentially what I said was how being with Chris would be like accepting forgiveness for myself. I want that, I just haven’t fully gotten there yet, and I’m not sure whether it needs to be mostly complete before anything can happen or if it’s okay that it remains a bit of a work-in-progress if and after things do get rolling. I’m hoping for the latter. I know it might sound kind of crazy that I fear forgiveness, but that is really what it is at its core: fear. I am tired of fear. I know that it’s a survival mechanism that kicks in and so I will never be able to be completely rid of certain ones, but I can at least shift my relationship with it. Taking a page out of Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic here in saying that fear will always be in the car, but I do not need to let it steer the wheel or even sit in the passenger seat. It can stay in the backseat where it holds no control. I’m afraid of making the wrong choices again with someone and of getting myself in a similar situation as before, but that fear isn’t going to get me closer to anyone; it’s only going to keep me alone and afraid. I asked myself what is the worst that could happen if I do end up in the same situation, and the outcome was honestly not that bad. At the worst, I’d block Chris, find a new dentist office, and work on healing again. I could be grateful that it isn’t exactly the same as before, that I have more agency and options now and am not stuck like how I was in my situation with Scott, and that me being deceived would only say something bad about Chris and not me. Of course I'll be really disappointed, and I might also struggle with trusting myself and relying on my gut to tell me if someone is trustworthy, but I can work through all of that with time. When I take a look at all of that, it’s really not that bad. Yes, it would suck, but I’d get through it. Even as I write this though, I don’t think any of that will come to fruition. When I question and second-guess everything, asking the “what ifs” and doing the whole comparison thing, that fear builds in my chest and I think about how I can’t do this, I must be crazy to think that I can trust that trusting feeling that I feel with Chris. But when I close my eyes and take a moment to think clearly about Chris, letting myself remember his energy - the curiosity, comfort, warmth, gentleness, brightness, and pureness of it - that is when I know. That is when the truth of who he is makes itself known. I will never find the truth of him by looking at someone else’s actions, words, and energy. I will never find Chris by looking back at my relationship with someone else. I can only find Chris in Chris. I can only find any truth about what is going on by looking at my experiences with him and him alone. That is a very difficult and enormous shift I have been trying to make, but despite the doubts that creep into my mind, I believe that I can do it and that it is possible. Yes, I have to keep in mind that I could be wrong about him, but right now I am not giving enough energy to the thought that I could be right. 

When I had last year’s appointment with the oral surgeon, I was also kind of in the same space, but it was only about whether or not Chris was interested in me. I didn’t really have much to go off of except 3 things: he did a double-take when he saw me, he was asking me questions that I was sure he was not asking everyone else (or at least with the same intention), and I just had an overall feeling. Well, okay, there was a bunch of other stuff, but I meant things that are a bit more tangible, I guess you could say. I’ve never been wrong in my life about someone being interested in me, I always just know, but I was accepting of the possibility that I could be wrong this time. I had told both of my best friends about everything, and it was kind of similar to what was going on in my head: Stacy was really supportive, said he was definitely into me, and that I should go for it, while Amanda said I could be reading things wrong, that intuition can’t always be trusted, and that it wasn’t enough to go off of. It’s funny cuz Amanda and I tend to have more views in common than Stacy and I do, but I ended up taking the more positive route, the one that Stacy supported. Amanda also is not very optimistic on the romantic front whereas I am, so this is something that we differ a lot on. I also don’t believe that intuition ever lies. For me, there’s always been a very strong distinction between emotions, thoughts, and intuition, so while I was still open to being wrong, I decided to trust my intuition more than my mind. Then when I was at my appointment with the oral surgeon, as soon as I crossed paths with Chris and our eyes met, I knew instantly that he was going to give me his number, and at my next appointment, he did. I have not been wrong about anything so far, and I’ve been trying to trust myself more, open my intuitive capabilities even wider, and I can’t do that if I’m always in my head about things. This one poem by Erin Hanson popped into my head and it feels relevant here: “There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?” I keep asking myself over and over, “What if I’m wrong?” but then there’s also a voice that follows it and asks, “But what if I’m right?” I won’t know unless I take a chance. I have always taken chances on the wrong people, and I don’t want that to deter me from trying again, because then I could miss out on the right person. I have to try. If I’m wrong, then I’ll deal with that when the time comes, and at least I can say that I tried and took a chance. If I’m right, then my life could possibly be changed forever.

I have tried so hard not to have hopes, because hope always brought me disappointment, but before, I only thought I knew, when in reality I was ignoring the actual knowing voice. This is different. I don't think I know, I do know. I've always known, and I've tried not to know. It's the opposite of how it's always been. If I trust this, it could potentially have a different outcome than all those other times too. I’ve been questioning and second-guessing and doubting, when deep down inside I’m being told to trust. I can’t predict the outcome of this situation, but I know I can trust whatever this is, and I need to lean into that without any more hesitation. I know. I know it’s safe to trust this. I read a lot of comics/manhwas in the Webtoon app, and right now I’ve been trying to read completed ones so I can focus more on current ones, and one I’m reading right now is called Aerial Magic. It’s about a young witch who can’t read spells, and she had trouble finding an apprenticeship that would take her. She applied to over 400 different places, and only 1 responded, which is the place she’s apprenticing at. While on the phone with her dad, she said she got lucky, and her dad responded that she was dismissing her hard work and that “It isn’t luck that you found the right person. It’s because you kept on reaching out and you refused to stop until you found someone who reached back.” How many people give up? How many people settle? How many people stop trying to grow and do better, or think there’s a limit to how much they’re able to improve, or believe it’s only the other person who needs to be improving and doing the work? I have never given up on myself and what I know I can have and is possible for me. Despite any doubts or perceived limitations, whether from myself or others, I’ve always pushed through. I may move slowly, but I never stop moving. All of my previous failed attempts at finding my person were stepping stones. I let those people and situations rip me apart, and then I put myself back together again, even when I didn’t want to do it. The thought that I have to has always driven me. I’ve never seen any other choice. When I looked at myself and adjusted to the newness of who I was with those pieces put back together, I realized that I somehow was more beautiful and more resilient. I grew, and while those growing pains hurt, they never stopped me. Growth is never easy, and more often than not the most growth comes from the hardest circumstances, but it’s necessary if we want to become our best selves. The growth we are looking for doesn’t come without the sacrifice of our own ease and comfort. We must go through it and heal it, and then we come out better for it. 

Also, things I’ve felt and experienced with Chris have never happened before. There’s been a lot, and I wrote about some of them in past posts, although now that I’m thinking about it, some of it I might not have actually posted. I never made my one private post public, made a second private post I also never made public and then forgot about, and I started a Google docs draft writing about a ton of stuff last year that I never finished or posted, so some things I think I posted might not be on here. Oops lol I like to have all my stuff in one place, but whatever. I know certain things I definitely didn’t write about, but there’s less of those than ones I did write about. Anyway, my point is, I’m skipping that to write about something else I haven’t yet, or at least haven’t written about in great detail. It’s Chris’s energy, and how I can sense it. I’ve always been able to pick up on other people’s energies, like the essence of who they are, to a certain degree, but mostly I just feel emotions coming off of people, especially strong ones. I’m not sure if everyone is like that? I used to think so, until I was watching some astrology reel on Youtube not too long ago and of course a bunch of grown ass men who think they’re amazing for shitting on people’s interests that have nothing to do with them infiltrated the comment section. One of the comment threads was how people don’t give off “energy” and that there’s no such thing, from a scientific perspective, which didn’t sound right to me cuz I thought science literally explained how everything was energy, but sure go off, dude, whatever. That really confused me cuz I thought I was in my head a lot but maybe there are people so disconnected from themselves that they literally do not pick up on these types of things. Anyway, people I am closer with or was close with at one point have stronger energies to me. But ummm I’ve never felt anyone’s energy as strongly as I feel Chris’s. Especially considering I have only met him a handful of times, so it shouldn’t be that way. It was actually the first thing I noticed about him. I mean, he did have a mask on, but even then, I’ve been to plenty of doctors or other health places where they wear masks the whole time, and this has not happened with any of them. I remember the two times I was there before my first appointment with Chris, he was up at the front desk with his mask on, and both times he said we had similar last names. He didn’t look at me either time when he said it, just kind of tilted his head toward his right shoulder in my direction, and I didn’t think anything in particular about him; I only remember feeling curious, but even that wasn’t something I noticed consciously until later, so I quickly forgot about it each time. At my first appointment, I remember he did a double-take, and I didn’t look at him as a natural self-defense mechanism, but when I got back to the room with him, my defense was gone. That doesn’t happen. I always remember to keep it up, no matter what is going on around me. I didn’t even notice I had dropped it when I was with Chris. When I walked into the room behind him, he asked if I wanted him to hang my bag up for me, which I declined. That’s when my first impression of him hit: he was warm and bright. Not just because of his gesture, but his whole being. I felt the warmth and I saw this glow around him. I was thinking earlier about how I am virtually unphased by a lot of things that should probably phase me. This moment - well, my entire first appointment tbh - should have been one of those moments. Even at all my other appointments, there are things I have no logical explanation for and yet, I have remained nothing but calm and collected during all of it. Honestly, now that I’m thinking about it again, that is so insane haha. 

I wasn’t going to write about this other thing, but since I probably already sound like I’m off my rocker, might as well just keep going a bit longer. Okay so, Chris’s eyes. I don’t know if he believes me cuz I’ve only ever commented on his eyes after he’s said something about mine, but asdfghjkl. I lose my absolute MIND over his eyes. This is going to be so freeing to write about. I can feel it. Okay so yeah, at my first appointment I only looked into his eyes once. It was when he was shocked I said I was 30 and I turned my head to look at him. His brown eyes were wide in disbelief. In that moment, I felt like 100 different things. I didn’t look long, but when I turned my head back, I had this strange sort of feeling. Well, first, I corrected myself by saying I was actually 31, and then I remember feeling some sort of weird intensity I had never felt before. I didn’t know what it was, so I felt embarrassed and didn’t look into his eyes again the rest of my time there. Later though, I figured it out. Chris’s eyes are so deep, yet still so bright. There is a depth there that seems to go on endlessly, like an entire other universe, and I wanted to know what was there. That was what I felt embarrassed about, but I couldn’t figure it out at that moment. I had no idea because I had never felt that before. I felt like I wanted to explore everything behind those eyes. I also felt seen and understood, which made no sense to me because there was nothing to see or understand. Maybe in general, like me as a person overall, but not in that particular moment. I still feel all of this when I look into his eyes, and after my last appointment with him, a few times when I was looking in the mirror, I had to do a double-take because I kept seeing his eyes before I saw my own. I know, I sound so psycho 😭 I wish I didn’t. I wish I had some sort of explanation, but I don’t. All I have is all this stuff that has happened and all the things I have felt, and this isn’t even the craziest of it. I still haven’t written about one thing that happened because it wouldn’t be fair to not tell Chris first, though that may never happen anyway. Maybe this is all nothing. Maybe this is…fake? Not real? A blip in the universe? Well - many blips in the universe? I can’t even take any guesses because what am I supposed to even guess at? He’s still just my dental hygienist and I’m still just his patient. There’s no relationship to comment on, little progress to point to, and barely any further interaction to make this stuff feel more tangible and less like I’m a little psychopath. There’s literally nothing to even guess at because these weird little things are all that exist from this. I can’t even talk to Chris about it because he doesn’t talk to me 😑😑😑 These intangible things are all I have. They’re all that’s really tethering me to trust because in the physical world, everything only points to confusion and doubt. This is all I have. I’m either being spiritually led in the direction of something really great, or I have some sort of serious brain injury that only makes itself known in Chris’s presence. I don’t think there’s anything in-between that would rationalize all of this stuff that I’ve seen and experienced.

That brings me around to what I’m going to do. First, I have to decide what I’m willing to live with: the pain of being used again or the pain of missing out. I already know which option I’m going to choose though, and I know what I’m going to do about it. Just like this time last year, I’m going to take the approach of seeing how Chris responds to me at my appointment with the oral surgeon. I assume we’ll cross paths like we have at all my other appointments. If it’s negative, sucks for me, and the result will probably be me crying when I get home because it does not take much to make me cry lol. If it’s positive, great, I plan to make some moves during my next appointment with him. I may have lost my chance at this point, but I’m hoping I haven’t. If I haven’t, awesome, I plan to treat my next appointment with him as a pivotal point in regards to whether things progress or not. So far, Chris has really put himself out there. He’s taken chances on me and I really haven’t responded positively back to him. I mean, I guess you could say the same for me taking chances on him in regards to trying to meet up and him not really responding great, but I’m not going to count that. I’m going to count in-person stuff only. I have roughly 5 weeks to: make sure I work through any lingering potential past romantic trauma that could interfere (this is also for myself too), come up with a coping plan in case something does come up, brush up on my flirting skills so I don’t freeze in the moment (tbh idk how I’m going to do this, maybe in the meantime just keep taking mental notes of all the stuff I like about Chris and hope it helps me seize an opportune moment to be flirty when the time comes), and continue to prioritize my mental health so I don’t get overwhelmed and overstimulated by all the excitement, which will also help with the flirting aspect. That….is a small list but actually a huge load of stuff to take care of in a month’s time. Anyway!! I’m still going to hope for the best. The other stuff doesn’t have to be 100% dealt with, but my #1 priority is making sure Chris feels good and that I make it apparent that “Yes I am into you and I’m sorry I’ve been struggling so much to show you that!!”. Well, I can leave out the apology bit, but yeah, the first part gets a thumbs up. Maybe that’s why Chris hasn’t initiated anything. Maybe he thinks I’m not that interested or only in it for self-gain, neither of which are true at all. I struggle a lot. I struggle with so many things and then I suck at articulating and explaining myself. In fact, when I do try to articulate or explain, I somehow always end up making things worse. It’s better for me to just wipe the slate clean, start fresh, and then hope that if he asks about something I can explain without embarrassing myself further. Maybe he wants me to ask about our date, but since he’s the one that brought it up in the first place, I feel kinda weird asking “So uhhh our date?” Maybe I’m overthinking all of this and it really is as simple as: if he’s not reaching out, then he’s not interested or is just fucking with me for whatever reason. 

I’m tired, man. I’m tired of always being in a place of always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the pain. Waiting to be treated poorly. Waiting for the betrayal. Waiting for the anger. Waiting to be told or shown how I’m not enough. I think to myself, Who will not make me flinch? This all goes way beyond Scott; a large part of my experiences with men, for a majority of my life, have not been positive. Some have even been dangerously negative. I think a part of me is always going to have some fear about being hurt until I’m with someone who doesn’t hurt me in big ways, and the little ones they work with me on and try to make up for. I will gladly give them the same in return. I’m never going to find that person unless I take a chance on them. I want to take the chance on someone who is worth it, and I feel that Chris is. I want my choices in life to reflect that I didn’t give up, that I kept believing in something higher and took the steps I needed in order to actualize that higher life for myself, even if I did so imperfectly with mistakes along the way.

I had a bunch of other stuff I was going to write about but I’ve already been coming back to this over the course of two weeks and it’s getting too long, so I’ll end here for now.

Umm Chris if somehow you’ve found my anonymous blog, which I’m hoping you haven’t, I apologize if any of this sounded weird or made you uncomfortable 😭 Feel free to never talk to me again if that’s the case. If not, see you in a few weeks 🥰

[love-fireflysong]

It be June 3rd now, and would you look at that, the second of my prompts is already up! Who’d a thunk it? Anyway, as successfully guessed by the lovely @torahime here is 5 + 1! And as by the nature of this trope in general, this one ended up long. Like crazy loooooooong. (Also I’m a moron who didn’t understand what the prompt meant for like a week. I kept trying to figure out what the hell the number six had to do with anything, and when I finally googled it out of desperation, all I saw were the words ‘five times’ in the first link and I immediately felt ashamed of myself. I should have known. Why didn’t I know?)

Anyways, you can read the long-ass fic in question at ao3 over here: Do You Ever Wonder What Could Have Been? You can also read this one under the cut, but considering the length I wouldn’t recommend it asdhaskdjh The next one should be much shorter due to the fact that like the first one, I blanked for ideas completely lol.

Do You Ever Wonder What Could Have Been?

Trope: 5 + 1 Fandom: Until Dawn Characters: Ashley Brown, Chris Hartley, Josh Washington (all the other kids also make an appearance but due to them only having like one scene and a single line each I’m not tagging them) Words: 12733 Rating: Teen (though I think I’m being pretty damn generous with that rating tbh) Authors Notes: Yes you’re reading that word count right. Almost thirteen thousand words. Don’t ask how I managed to write this in 5 days, I have no fucking idea. Just take this fic about two nerds being morons in love and mutually pining over each other for six. fucking. years.

Chris is fourteen and so goddamn tired of this stupid crush on his best friend. It's been a whole year now since he met her, and he hates that this stupid, silly, little, crush of his hasn't abated at all. He doesn't even know why he likes her in the first place! It's just Ashley after all, there is absolutely no reason to feel this tongue-tied around his best friend. It's Ash: with her braces, arms always full books (when her head wasn't buried in one that is), stringy red hair, wide green eyes, who sometimes snorts when he tells a joke, freckles that dot her nose and shoulders and—

Okay, he was maybe getting a little side-tracked here. The point was, there was 100% absolutely no reason to feel this way about her. In fact, he bets this was all Josh's fault in the first place! Yeah! That was it! None of this would be happening if Josh hadn't basically kidnapped Ashley from her true home in the library and forced him to meet her! 

...But then he wouldn't have met her. And stupid crush aside, she is pretty much the only girl he knows who laughs at all his jokes and helps him with his English homework sometimes. He likes knowing her and likes being her friend even more, he just doesn't like liking her. And maybe that was it? Maybe he just likes Ashley cause she's the only girl who willingly hangs out with him and Josh, and isn't Josh's sisters. 

And that's what he's going to prove today once and for all. He heard from Josh that Hannah was absolutely adamant that everyone was going to play spin-the-bottle at her and Beth's birthday party in a couple of days. And that everyone meant not only the people that the twins invited for said party, but also the people that Josh invited over (ie: Chris and Ash) so he would have some company during the twins big b-day bash. Chris was going to find Ashley and explain that losing their first kiss over a game like spin-the-bottle was just so not cool, and that maybe kissing each other first would just be a way better and smarter idea of doing things. And once he kissed her he would finally realize that yup, Ash was just one of the guys and that was so fucking gross and they were totally never ever going to do that again.

Perfect idea. Fool proof even. No way that this was totally going to backfire into his face. Absolutely none at all!

So when he finds Ashley sitting and reading under her usual tree just outside of the school, he is so sure of the success of his ingenious plan that he brings it up right away. 

"I think we should kiss before Hannah and Beth's party."

See! Right away! Straight to the point. He has got this shit in the bag baby!

Ashley looks up at him, clearly a little startled from reading her book and squints at him. "Huh? Chris? Is that you?" For a second he's a little confused about how Ash doesn't even recognize him, but then he quickly realizes that he's probably got the sun directly at his back so she can't see him clearly and he awkwardly shuffles to the left a little so she can see him better. "Oh! Hey Chris, what was that you said earlier? I got so absorbed that I didn't really hear a thing you said, sorry." While she doesn't close her book, she does give an embarrassed little laugh that makes his stomach flip-flop just a little and starts to weaken at the cracks of his once fool-proof plan.

He finds himself messing with the strap on his bookbag as he tries to ignore the butterflies fluttering around in his stomach. 'Um, I asked if you were going to the twins' birthday party this weekend." Okay, falling a little behind schedule now, but it's fine. No problem.

"I mean, I wasn't exactly invited, but yeah. A whole night of graphic horror movies to drown out the sounds of screaming pre-teens. I honestly can't think of a better way to spend a Saturday night." The absolute dryness of her tone has Chris smiling.

"Oh come on Ash, it's not gonna be that bad."

"Our choices are either to hang out with a bunch of kids who have basically never talked to us ever, or watch Josh's disgusting horror movies Chris."

"Well, I mean, when you put it that way...actually, no. The screaming pre-teens sound like a safer bet honestly." The little snort of laughter she lets out only has Chris pushing the butterflies down harder. God, he is going to be so glad when those stupid things finally leave him alone. "And well, from what Josh said, it sounds like horror isn't the only thing planned for that evening."

"It isn't? You mean he's actually opening up to other movie genre options? Shocking. I truly never thought I would see the day."

"Ha, I wish. Nah, I was, um, talking about what the girls—well, what Hannah wanted to play. Actually." Great. And now he's starting to blush. Really keeping with the rails of his plan there!

"What Hannah...? Oh! You're, uh, talking about the spin-the-bottle game." Ashley brings her lower lip into her mouth and pushes some hair behind her ear. "Yeah, Josh mentioned something about that."

Perfect, one less thing he had to explain. That would speed things up immensely. "Honestly, between you and me? I think it's a stupid idea."

Ashley nods her head vigorously in agreement. "I know right! I mean, who wants to kiss some stranger over a bottle of all things? Can you imagine losing your first kiss to some person who probably doesn't have a single idea who you are in the first place? God that would be awful." Oh man, things are lining up right for him! Ashley's even on the same page and this next part is going to be so easy— "That's why I asked Josh if I could kiss him first instead when he told me a couple of days ago."

Wait. Waitwaitwait wait . She already asked Josh?! "Oh, wow. You were, uh, really thinking ahead there huh?" God, he could feel every ounce of determination he had slowly deflating out of his body. There was no way he could ask her now, absolutely no way! Ashley was gonna think that Chris wanted to kiss her—or worse, liked her! And okay he kind of did, but this was supposed to prove the exact opposite. That this was just stupid hormones and puberty really messing with his life and not something else.

"Of course, there was absolutely no way I was gonna have my first kiss with some popular buttface who was just gonna make fun of me behind my back afterwards. Better to have it with Josh, who would also make fun of me, but at least it would be to my face." Ashley starts to return to her book, flipping a page but stops halfway through. "Wait. Were you going to ask me the same thing?" She sounds a little unsure and a little of something else he can't place right now because he's too busy trying not to panic. 

"What? No! God no! Of-of course not!" Oh god, was his voice seriously choosing to crack now? He really, really hoped that the shade being cast from the tree was enough to hide how red his face was. He needed to get out of here and quick .

"I-I-I mean, it's not like it was good or anything—"

"Think I should probably go now anyway."

"It was, like, really wet and-and-and like so bad. Super awkward honestly."

"Lots of things to do. Lots and lots of things to do in fact!"

"I mean, we could still, uh, k-k-kiss? If you want to...?"

"Nope!" Chris was honestly looking everywhere except at Ashley right now, which was fine because she was currently in the middle of trying to hide behind her book. "There's absolutely no reason to do that. Because, because... I already kissed Josh too!"

"...you did?"

"Yup! Totally did. Just came over to see what you had planned to do about it actually. And because you're so much smarter than me, you had totally already done the same thing. So no reason for me to still bother you after all! None whatsoever! So I'll just let you get back to your book. And the battle between the uh, vampire and the, um, cowboy? Riveting stuff I bet."

"Um, yeah. But—"

"I'll just, uh, see you tomorrow then, I guess. Bye!"

Chris thinks he catches a wave of disappointment flash across her face when she returns his farewell, but he's already basically fled half away across the yard to find Josh so he doesn't think about it too much. And it turns out that Ashley is right, kissing Josh is wet and pretty fucking awful in the end. Which should only prove his idea that kissing her would have been just as bad and awkward.

So why does he feel like it would have actually been the complete opposite?

"I'm going to fail."

Ashley rolled her eyes as she struggled not to laugh. "Oh my god, you're not gonna fail Chris."

Chris didn't even deign to raise his head from where he had face-planted it into the open book only moments before, letting his words come out muffled and flat. "I am Ash. I am going to bomb this exam so hard that they're gonna make me repeat ninth grade."

Ashley groaned, but it was more of an attempt to hide her amusement than out of any exasperation, as she tried to lift Chris back into a sitting position and wasn't laid out prostrated over the table. "Okay first of all, get your dumb face out of that book. Ms. Norman is not gonna be happy with either of us if she discovers your drool all over the pages of the only half-decent copy of Lord of the Flies that the school library has." Once she finally has finally managed to prop Chris into a halfway decent sitting position, she moves the book closer to her in case he decides to try smashing his face into it again. "Second of all, I'm pretty sure that the school's not going to make you repeat the grade just because you failed English, your grades in everything else are high enough that they'll definitely pass you. That, and there is no way that the teachers would let Josh move on to high school of all things without supervision."

"...That is a scarily good point."

"And thirdly, there is absolutely no way I would be able to get through the next four years of school with you in my grade," she teases him with a poke in the arm. "I mean can you imagine? Having to go to class everyday knowing you're going to be there with me? I can't think of anything more terrifying honestly."

Chris gives a startled laugh. "Gee, thanks Ash. Really appreciate that vote of confidence. Making my self-esteem soar over here. And also, I for one can think of something way more terrifying."

"Really?" Ashley says as she crosses her arms across her chest and levels him with a disbelieving look. "Well go on then, try me. Cause I can promise you that there is absolutely nothing more terrifying—"

"Me and Josh in the same grade as you."

Ashley just blanches. "Oh god. You're right. That is so much worse and the idea of this even happening is now going to give me nightmares for the rest of my life."

"Oh please, it wouldn't be that bad."

"It would. It so would. And to prevent this we need to double down on you studying for your English final so that this cataclysmic event never occurs."

It's Chris's turn to roll his eyes as he slumps down even further into his seat. "That's what I was doing earlier until you stopped me."

"What? Planting your face into the middle of the book?"

"Exactly. Decided to try out a new method cause the other one wasn't certainly working. Learning by osmosis."

Ashley shoves her face into the palms of her hands to try and stop her giggles. It didn't work, not by a long shot, but it at least smothered them a bit. "You can't just read a book by trying to absorb it into your skin, that's not how things work at all!"

"And how would you know that Ash? Have you ever even tried?" Chris scoffs.

"Of course I haven't you dork! I haven't tried because that's not even possible!"

 "Um, sounds to me like someone just isn't open to new ideas."

"Oh my god. Can we please get back to studying and making sure you don't fail. I for one would really like to get back to that." Ashley starts to put the copy of the book back between the middle of them where they can both read it easily. "Okay, so chapter eight is where the divide between the boys finally reaches a boiling point after seeing the 'monster' on the mountain in the last chapter. They argue over whether Ralph should still be left in charge and Jack leaves in a huff."

Chris groaned as he tossed his glasses onto the table so he could throw his arm over his eyes. "Starting to think that Jack has the right idea here." he grumbled.

Ashley ignored him. "Some of the other boys follow after him and form their own tribe with Jack as its chief further down the beach. As a group, the hunters then fall into a savage frenzy when they go hunting and kill a sow, with Roger dealing the killing blow."

"By driving his spear into the thing’s ass," Chris helpfully supplied.

Ashley sighed. "Yes, by doing that. Good to know you're at least remembering some things, but do you remember what happened next?"

Though she couldn't see with Chris's arm in the way, she knew that he was narrowing his eyes in concentration. "Ummm, they... eat the pig?"

Ashley groaned and fought very hard against the impulse to smack her forehead into the center of the table. " Chris . "

"What? Do they not eat the thing? I mean, why even hunt it if they're not gonna eat it?"

"Chris, what they do next is the lead up for what is often considered the most important scene in the entire book! How can you not remember?!"

"I don't know Ash! Kind of think I was distracted by the whole 'shoving a spear into a sow's anus' part!"

"They leave its head on a stake in the jungle as an offering to the beast! This is what creates the Lord of the Flies that Simon sees later that night!"

"Oh right, that. Yeah that sounds a little familiar now that you mention it."

"A little—" Ashley stops fighting against the earlier urge and places her heavy head into her hands in despair. "You literally had to read this book last month! How could you have forgotten so much already?"

Chris groans and drapes himself over the back of his chair. "This is hopeless Ash. I appreciate the help I really do, but I think it's time we face the inevitable and just take a page out of this book."

"What, I stick your head on a pike and be done with you?"

The snort that Chris makes in surprise is enough to bring a tired smile to Ashley's face. "Leaving you to deal with Josh alone? Ha, you wouldn't. Nah, I was talking about just making an offering to the exam gods out there. Think they'll be the best bet I have to pass this shitty ass final."

Ashley removes her head from her hands to give him a withering look. "If we're going that route, you want a kiss for good luck too? Probably work just as well as those gods of yours."

There's an awkward pause, and at first Ashley can't figure out why but then the words finally hit her. She feels her face start to burn and she places her head back into her hands so she doesn't have to look at Chris anymore. Oh god, she can't believe she just said that. Why would she even say that in the first place?! It's a damn good thing that Chris isn't wearing his glasses right now, the heat from her face alone is making her feel like she's about to combust as it is, and him seeing that would probably push her over that physical boundary.

"I-I mean, if you think it will help..." Chris sounds almost bashful when he says it and Ashley snaps her head to him in shock.

"I—" Ashley isn't quite sure what she's trying to say, and is interrupted when her phone buzzes with an incoming text message. She immediately jumps up from her chair and starts grabbing at her things. "Oh man, that's probably my mom here to pick me up. I should really get going."

"Uh, yeah. Yeah! No reason for me to stay if you aren't so I guess I should head out too." Chris starts picking up his stuff too, putting his glasses back onto his face as he shoves his books into his bag.

By nature of having brought less than Chris to help him study, Ashley finishes cleaning first but doesn't leave right away. Chris had said it was fine after all. And sure, maybe he was just desperate for anything that will help him pass his final, but he said it would be fine. So steeling herself, Ashley leans down and leaves a quick but chaste kiss on Chris's cheek.

"For luck!" She manages to squeak out as she all but runs out the doors of the library to the school's entrance where her mom will be waiting for her, too scared to even look back. 

Chris should have known that something was up the moment Josh brought it up: 'Hey, how about you and Ash hang out at my house this weekend instead?' Innocent sounding sure, but he really, really should have known better. Josh never pushed for hang outs at his place, it had always been an agreed upon rule that Hannah and Beth got their place, while Josh preferred to host their get togethers and his and Ash's own houses. It was just the thing that was done and everyone had been more than happy with how it was. Had it been any other time, Chris would like to think that he would have totally seen right through Josh's plan and offered up his place instead.

But Josh's parents were almost never around either, and that meant staying up late and talking and goofing around without parents warning them to go to sleep. Which most importantly meant staying up late and talking to Ashley, because that hadn't been a thing that the three of them had been able to do a whole lot recently. It was still so weird not seeing Ash around in the school halls, not being able to hang out at lunch, and not meeting up after school all the time. It felt like there was something huge missing and it bothered him (just as much as it bothered Josh, not that he would ever say anything about it). The two of them wandering the hallowed halls of high school while she was still stuck back in their middle school just felt so wrong .

So when Josh had brought up a weekend hang out, Chris (and Ashley) had accepted right away. Which, judging from the fact that Josh had somehow managed to weasel the two of them into playing a game of Truth or Dare with him, had been a huge mistake.

"Well, well, well. It seems the time has come. So let's get on with it shall we?" Josh rubbed his hands gleefully together in the dim light of the bedroom (for atmosphere he had claimed) as the three of them sat in a circle. A seemingly innocuous plate of cookies sitting in the middle of them, and knowing better then to trust Josh, both Chris and Ash had been eyeing the cookies warily for the past few minutes. Not that Josh seemed to notice or care of course. "Seeing as I'm the one who set up elegant little ritual—"

"You forced us into playing a stupid game dude, there's nothing elegant or ritualistic about it."

Josh ignored him, unsurprisingly. "I'll go first of course. So Ash, truth or dare?"

"What are the cookies for Josh?" Ashley asked nervously as she continued to eye the plate instead of answering him.

"That's not important. And anyways, it's my turn Ash. So I'll ask again: truth or dare Ashley?"

Ashley raised her eyes from the plate to transfer her nervous and mistrustful stare to him. "...truth," she answered slowly.

"Oh ho ho! So truth it is! Well then Ash, tell me: have you got any secrets you've been dying to share with us?"

Chris could immediately tell that the question had hit a sore spot on some sort, shoulders locked and her body stiff. "You know I'm not gonna answer that one. Pass."

Josh shook his head, a devious smile on his lips. "Nope. Nuh uh Miss Brown. That's not how this game works. If you're gonna pass then I'm gonna have to ask that you take a cookie in return."

"...I'm sorry, what? "

He waved a hand down towards the plate of cookies. "These, my dearest chums, are the fabled Truth or Dare cookies. Anytime one of us refuses to act out what is asked of us, we must then take a cookie in penance."

At first, Ashley doesn't move. She continues to dart her eyes suspiciously between Josh and the plate of cookies, but eventually slowly does reach out and hesitantly grab a chocolate cookie from the plate. She holds it up closer to her face to investigate it further, and Chris watches as all the tension she had stored up just evaporates from her as she physically deflates. "Oh my god, are you actually being serious right now Josh? ‘Dare’ brand cookies? Really? Why in the world are you trying to be so ominous when you went with a pun as lame as using Dare cookies in a game of truth or dare?"

"Wait, really?" Chris reaches out to grab one for himself but Josh smacks his hand away with a grin. 

"So sorry Cochise, but these are only for if you refuse. And trust me, you don't want to refuse." Josh turns back to Ashley. "Oh, and don't eat that just yet." 

In response, she just shrugs and leans back, but keeps the chocolate crème filled cookie in her hand as she looks between Chris and Josh. "It's my turn now, right? Okay, so—"

Josh cuts her off. "Nope, still mine. Now, Chris—"

"What? That's not how this stupid game works Josh!"

Josh waves her off. "You didn't answer my question Ash, or eat the cookie, so it's still my turn."

"But you just told me not to eat the stupid thing!"

Josh ignores her as he keeps his attention squarely on Chris. Who, to his own shame, has begun squirming in his seat in dread of what's going to come. "Well, Chris: truth or dare?"

Chris tosses the options over in his head. Both are terrible obviously, but playing this game with Josh of all people never ends well, so he decides to go with his gut instead. "Dare."

"Ooooh, feeling a little gutsy are we? That's fine, I can work with that. I dare you to... return the favour and do one thing you've been thinking about alllllllll summer."

Personally, Chris is finding it a miracle that he hasn't reached over and tried to strangle Josh yet, but he has a feeling that has more to do with the fact that he's trying not to shrivel up on the floor and die than out of any mercy. Even though Josh for some reason worded it in a really convoluted way, he just literally dared him to kiss Ash. It was so obvious that he was frankly amazed that Ashley hadn't figured it out yet.

Because of course he still thought about that kiss for good luck that Ash had given him in the library. He thought about it nearly all the damn time! Hell, Chris was pretty sure that the reason he had even passed his final even a little bit was because of the kiss. Not because it was good luck or anything, but because whenever a question appeared on the exam that asked about the themes or some shit about Lord of the Flies, he kept getting sent back into that library where Ashley had been drilling the same stuff into him just before she had kissed his cheek.

And there is absolutely no way that he's gonna kiss Ash in Josh's bedroom. No way in hell. Especially not when it's gonna reveal that he had been thinking about what was more than likely a super innocent and helpful gesture on her part.

So glaring at Josh, Chris reaches forward and without a word grabs a vanilla cookie. And for some strange reason, this only causes Josh's smile to widen. "I see, so that's what you both went with huh? Anyways, I think it's about time you take your 'reward' and chow down!"

Exchanging a confused look with Ashley, Chris nonetheless shrugs and pops the entire thing into his mouth and bites down.

And realizes in a horrifying instant that this is not a vanilla cookie.

There's a flash of light that blinds him for a second, and when the spots clear he sees Josh holding a camera and laughing his ass off.

"What the—? Is this fucking mayo dude?!" And it must be, because this is not what a vanilla cookie should ever taste like. While the cookie portion itself is okay if not a little soft, the crème is way too oily and eggy to be anything but mayo. Josh doesn't answer his question right away, but that's from a combo of laughing way too hard and being distracted by Ash trying not to retch in the middle of the bedroom floor.

"Oh my god! You put soy sauce in a cookie?! What is wrong with you Josh?!" She's up in a second and rushing to the garbage can near Josh's desk, and Chris is quick to join her in trying to spit everything out. "I'm never going to get this salt out of my mouth! Why would you even do that?!"

"Cause it's fucking hilarious that's why!" Josh is still laughing as he takes a look at the picture he took on the camera, and starts laughing harder. "Oh fucking hell, this was glorious. Oh wasting those two questions just for this picture was so worth it. Best decision I could have made!

"Now you two get your asses back over here! I spent hours on these cookies after all, and I am not letting them go to waste. We've got hours my friends, and so many questions and dares to get through."

Chris shares a look with Ashley over the garbage bin, both of them now obviously wondering if keeping their own secret had been worth having to eat those cookies, and if they still would have passed their turn knowing what exactly laid in store for them. While he certainly couldn't say a thing about her, Chris wasn't so sure if not kissing Ash and enduring all the fallout that would have resulted in was worth the terrible combination of vanilla and mayo in his mouth. He supposed he would never know, it was too late to simply retract his pass after all.

And well, he really didn't want to kiss Ash when she had just been tricked into eating a bunch of soy sauce.

You know, Ashley kind of figured that once she entered high school all of these stupid games would be done with. Surely high schoolers were too mature and too old to be playing childish games like spin-the-bottle or seven minutes in heaven? And yeah, obviously Chris and Josh weren't, but that was them and they were in a class all their own. But Hannah? And Sam and Beth? She would have thought that they were way too cool to be playing spin-the-bottle of all things, especially Beth.

And yet, here Ashley was: squeezed in between Matt and Sam as Matt spun the bottle around on the now extremely sticky hardwood floor. She wasn't stupid, she knew the entire reason the game was even being played in the first place; Hannah had been making eyes at Mike all through the evening and well into the game after all. She just didn't think that anyone else would have been stupid enough to go along with the game when Hannah suggested it. 

(Ashley knew very well why she had reluctantly agreed to play, she just didn't know why anyone else did.)

Though to be fair, it didn't seem like the game was gonna last much longer anyway. Emily and Jess had started scrolling through their phones ages ago, showing each other whatever was on the other's screen every few minutes and the two of them laughing. Mike had been tapping a really off-rhythm beat on his jeans with the straw from his can of soda and staring into space, while Hannah stared lovesick at him . Beth was starting to doze on Sam's shoulder, not that either seemed too concerned about it, and Sam was nervously eyeing all the spilt pop and chips around them that they were gonna have to clean up before they went to bed. Unsurprisingly, Chris was also scrolling through his phone, snickering every now and then as Ashley felt her phone buzz in the pocket of her hoodie whenever he sent whatever it was that he found funny to her and Josh. Josh meanwhile, had joined Matt in building a rather shaky—if not impressive—tower out of discarded plastic cups, straws, and paper plates.

Ashley yawned behind her hand as the bottle slowed it's spin. She had been ready to drop out of the game a round or two back, but hadn't yet because she didn't want to deal with the others teasing her on being a sore loser who backs down the moment the bottle didn't land on the person she wanted it to. Which would lead to Chris asking who it was even though everyone else already knew who because it was glaringly obvious to everyone except him. The sound of the bottle stopping its spin managed to get everyone's attention as they looked at the neck of the bottle pointed squarely at Mike. 

Everyone made the expected ' oooooooh ' and wolf whistles that everyone always did in this game, though quieter than they might have usually. Bob and Melinda were sleeping upstairs after all, and the last thing any of them wanted to do was wake them up and have them discover that despite it being nearly three in the morning, that the ten of them were still awake as the snow storm raged outside the lodge. Nonetheless, Matt and Mike both rolled their eyes and leaned over Josh who sat in the middle of them with a groan. Mike also didn't hesitate to take Matt's face into his hands and just plant one firmly on his mouth with no fanfare, other than the continued wolf whistles of course, and the two of them settled back down to their previous antics. 

With that done, Ashley stared down nervously at the bottle. Once again, she felt the words stick in her throat. It would just be so easy to say "Oh man you guys, it's really late, I should really just go to bed" but let them die without a fight as she swallowed nervously and gave the bottle a hard flick. She knew exactly why she let the words die, and it wasn't solely because of what the others would say, though that was certainly a large part of it. No, it was because of the same glimmer of hope that sparked in her everytime it was her turn at this stupid game. That maybe this would be the time that the bottle would land on Chris, that she would finally get that kiss she's wanted for three years now.

She watches the bottle spin around the group, slowing its motion every full spin, and she notices that Chris has turned his attention away from his phone to watch it almost as nervously as she is. Which should probably make her question just why Chris is as just as invested on who it's gonna land on as she is, but she's kind of distracted right now by the fact that her heart is rapidly picking up pace in direct contrast to how much slower the bottle is getting. And feels it stop almost entirely when the bottle begins its last revolution and she knows. She knows . It's finally gonna land on Chris. All these years of playing this stupid, stupid game and it's finally happening.  

Ashley's eyes shoot up to meet Chris's over the bottle, but that's also when the lodge suddenly plunges into darkness just before the bottle stops on him.

Immediately, the others are screaming next to her and the tower of cups and plates fall with a soft clatter.

"Oh my god! What the fuck was that?!"

"Holy fuck! Can you guys see anything?"

"Of course we can't see anything Michael!"

"It's probably just the storm you guys. Settle down."

"Can you guys please quiet down? My parents are sleeping and they're gonna kill us if they find out we're still awake."

Ashley isn't yelling though, because she's too busy screaming internally. There is no way that this is actually happening right now. There is no goddamn way. The bottle finally lands on Chris and the power goes out? Because of some stupid storm? She wanted to scream. She has half a mind to reach out and hold the bottle in place so there's proof of this when the power comes on, or to just jump over the distance and kiss Chris anyway. She knows exactly where he is after all, and he must have seen it land on him. He must have, right? It's that little second of uncertainty that decides for her, there's a sound as someone gets up and the flat 'thunk' as they accidentally kick the bottle across the room.

"Shit. My bad. You guys stay here, I'll go and check out the back-up generator in the basement. You coming, Cochise?"

Ashley can hear Chris awkwardly and quickly getting to his feet. "Um, y-yeah. Right behind you, bro."

The two of them walk away leaving Ashley to sit on the floor about to scream from the frustration of it all. And she does scream that it is, though not from almost having the perfect excuse to kiss Chris, but from someone touching her shoulder.

"Sorry, sorry!" Sam apologizes. "You were so quiet Ashley that I got nervous. I know that you're scared of the dark and I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

Oh, yeah. That's right. She was so preoccupied with the dark ruining what was almost going to be the highlight of her entire year , that she kind of forgot that it was, well, dark now. And once that realization hits her, so too does the fear that she's sitting in absolute darkness and can't see a single thing other than the lights being cast from everyone’s phones. That she has no idea what else—or who else—is out there. She frantically reaches out and wraps up Sam's arm in her own for a physical reminder that there is someone else she trusts in the darkness with her.

"Wait, you're scared of the dark Ash? Shit. Here, just give me a second." From next to her, Matt rustles in his jacket pocket and brings out his phone, turning it on and casting light around the room, and reflecting off the plastic bottle that Josh had accidentally kicked to the other side of the room. "Hope this helps a bit."

Ashley lets out a breath and a small smile. "Yeah, it does. Thanks Matt."

"No problem. Hey, I think I may have a funny video saved on here somewhere. Pretty sure I downloaded it so just give me a moment." He finds the video quickly enough, and while Ashley doesn't find it particularly as funny as he clearly did, she does appreciate the effort anyway.

Thankfully for everyone, the lights come back on soon enough. Though whether from the power coming back or the back-up generator activating, she isn't sure. It is enough to convince everyone that maybe it's time for bed though, and no one asks about her spin and who it landed on, which Ashley is both insulted for and thankful of in equal measure. Sam unfortunately reminds everyone of the mess they've all made of the great room though, and that they should all clean it up before Bob and Melinda wake up and find it, which Hannah and Beth eagerly echo, and so does Josh when he makes his way back up from the basement with scowling Chris in tow.

Thankfully, between the ten of them, the clean up takes very little time and they're all on their way back to their own rooms in record time, even if Ashley was too embarrassed to even look at Chris now. God, she couldn't believe that she had seriously considered jumping him! And for what? Just because some bottle told her to? Oh man, she never would have been able to live that down. She still spends more time then needed to get ready in the bathroom, and then laying in bed with her lamp on in the hopes that maybe Chris will knock on her door to confront her about the spin and ask for that kiss.

While the fact that he doesn't make an appearance doesn't surprise her, it's still a little depressing. 

Chris is going to kill Josh. He is going to kill him . And he means it this time. Years spent watching Josh's horror shit and listening to Ash go on and on about her mystery novels should have given him a real edge actually. He can murder Josh violently in the way that the weirdo would probably like to go and then Ash can help him get rid of the body so that no one will ever know it was him. Easy.

You know, assuming Ashley is still gonna want to even associate with him after this.

"You feeling okay, Chris? You're starting to look a little red... and surly."

"Yup, I'm fine. Just peachy in fact." Chris takes another swig of the punch that has somehow not been spiked yet, and tries to plaster a smile on his face for her only to once again start looking over her shoulder. Not that there's anything interesting over her shoulder of course, unless one finds a group of football seniors trying to play a game of chicken in the middle of the dance hall interesting, but it's easier than looking straight at her. Not because she looks terrible of course—good god is that not the reason—but because she is way too fucking gorgeous for him to handle right now.

When Chris had decided to invite her to his and Josh's grad thing, it had just been a way for all three of them to hang out and enjoy their last year of high school together. School rules dictated after all that for some stupid reason, graduates weren't allowed to invite anyone who wasn't in school anymore so Ash wasn't going to be able to ask them to hers next year. Which was complete and utter bullshit of course, but that was beside the point. It was supposed to be a fun night... and then Chris's parents found out. And being the complete pain in the asses they are, they insisted that if Ash was going to this party with them, and it was a formal party, then they needed to make this proper. So against his wishes and leaving Chris wanting to die, they went and found out what colour of dress Ash was going to be wearing and got him not only a matching tie but a fucking corsage to go with it! The only thing that had made all of that even a little better, was that they had forced Josh to go along with it so at least he wouldn't be alone. 

But then Josh had showed up not wearing his stupid tie and without the fucking flowers. And despite Chris's repeated protests that he didn't want to do the whole matching thing, especially if Josh wasn't doing it, his parents still made him do it anyway, saying all the while that 'it would make Ashley happy, you do want to make Ashley happy don't you?' And now here he was, sitting with Ashley at their table while she wore his stupid flowers on her wrist and his tie matched her green dress.

He hated how fucking obvious his crush was s0 much.

"...It's because of what everyone's been saying isn't it?"

At the dejected tone of her voice, Chris immediately snaps his full attention to her, leaving his glass of punch forgotten as he flaps his hands around in an effort to not reach out and grab at her hand. "What? No! God no! That isn't it I swear!"

Ashley sighs sadly as she looks glumly down at her lap. "It's fine Chris. I can understand if it's making you uncomfortable."

Chris takes one of his ineffectually flapping hands and makes to run it through his hair, before remembering the amount of gel he had put in it before coming and rubs at his eyes beneath his glasses. "I'm serious Ash, that's not it. I was honestly just thinking about the different ways I'm going to murder Josh when he gets back."

She laughs a little at that, and turns to look out into the direction of the buffet table, as though she'll be able to see Josh coming back with their food through the literal sea of people. "He has been gone a while hasn't he? He left like twenty minutes ago and he still isn't back. Do you think he even went to the buffet table in the first place?"

"He better have. Him coming back with food is probably about the only thing that's going to stop me from murdering him honestly."

Ashley laughs a little louder, and when she pushes a stray strand of hair that had come undone from her simply styled updo, Chris catches the while flowers on her wrist and feels his stomach flip pleasantly. "Any particular reason you want to kill Josh this time?"

"I mean, I have plenty but let's just be honest with ourselves here: do either of us ever need a reason to wanna kill Josh, Ash?"

And there it is, the surprised snort he was waiting for and that just made this entire evening a little more bearable. "God, you're not wrong." She follows his eye line to the corsage on her wrist and just like that all levity to the situation is gone as she hides her hands back in her lap under the table. "...you're sure that you're okay with what everyone is saying though?" she asks a little nervously.

Honestly? No, he isn't. Ever since the three of them walked into the party, everyone they had talked to right away had noticed the matching colours and the corsage and all comments had been the same. 'Fucking knew that there was something going on between you two' and 'Hey, it's about fucking time' or 'Always knew that you two would be good together'. It had been bad enough realizing that apparently almost everyone he had ever spoken to even a little bit had known of his super obvious feelings for his best friend, but the absolute worst thing had been the pained but polite smile that Ash had forced onto her face every single time.

"Honestly, I'm never going to see most of these people ever again once I graduate." He's avoiding the question, and he knows that she knows that he's avoiding the question. "But you're probably gonna have to deal with people brining this stupid thing up for the entire next year. Are you going to be okay?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine. It's not like this is something I don't deal with already." She says it with a little shrug and smile, but Chris can feel his heart sink anyway. How long has she had to deal with the bullshit that his stupid crush has caused her, and why had she never told him? It's way too late to try and fix things, but he can at least hopefully try and stop any further comments from coming, so he lets his fingers fly to his tie and starts to frantically undo it. "...What are you doing Chris?"

"Wondering why on earth I let my parents talk me into this. This is obviously making you uncomfortable and I should have taken this stupid thing off ages ago." His fingers keep catching on the knot and he lets out a fairly explicit curse under his breath.

Ashley's eyes go wide with realization. "Oh!" She instantly flips over her wrist and starts fumbling at the clasp of the corsage with her other hand and Chris finds that his heart has somehow managed to travel all the way from the bottom of his stomach straight into his throat. Abandoning his only partially undone tie, he lays his hand on hers to stop her.

"You don't have to do that." She's staring at their hands in wide-eyed shock, and his breath catches. "Not if you don't want to, that is. It-it looks good on you."

"Okay," she whispers softly, eyes still wide as her fingers leave her wrist, "I can leave it on."

"Only if you want to though." When the hell did his mouth get so dry?!  

"I do," she looks up to him when she says it, and the earnestness of her smile bowls him over. "I really, really do." In an effort to try and distract himself from her smile, he starts fumbling at his tie once again and he catches her eyes flickering to it. Ashley's smile somehow only brightens as she laughs at him. "Here. Let me give you a hand with that."

She scoots her chair closer to him and he removes his hands from his tie so she can take over. The two of them say nothing as she places all of her attention on continuing to loosen the knot, while Chris tries his absolute hardest not to swallow...or breathe...or do anything at all really, as he just stares down at her in awe.

Once the knot is finally undone, Ashley slowly pulls the entire length of fabric from his neck and places it on the table, before putting her hands back where they were so she can carefully smooth out his shirt collar. And when she looks back up at him with a smile, he can feel the entire world stop as they just stare at each other and Chris slowly starts to close the infinitesimally small distance between them. And he's probably just imagining things, but he thinks that she's doing the same thing as well.

"Jesus Christ, sorry it took so long you guys. Line for the fucking food was longer then you would believe!"

The two of them fly apart so fiercely, that Chris's entire chair manages to tip over backwards and send him to the ground with a loud clatter. He can feel everyone's eyes on them and the murmurs that follow, and he hopes that they're mistaking the redness of his face for the embarrassment of falling out of his chair. Yeah, that's a story that's going to make the rounds before he graduates for sure.

"Shit, you okay bro?" From his spot on the floor, Chris watches Josh place a couple of plates absolutely piled high in food on the table and reach down to help him up with a laugh. "Oh hey, I see you finally decided to take off that stupid tie too. Surprised it took you this long honestly."

Chris accepts Josh's hand up. "Yup, me too." He hopes and prays that Josh just thinks that the absolutely breathless and stunted quality to his words is that he's just a little winded from the fall. Once he gets his chair back up and sits back down, he grabs at the tie to shove it in his pocket. He notices that Ashley is refusing to look at him as she digs out a couple of sandwiches from the miscellaneous pile of food, even as she fiddles with the strap of flowers on her wrist for the rest of the meal.

He's exceptionally thrilled to note that she does keep the corsage on the rest of the night though.

Five times. That's how many times her phone has gone off in her pocket. Five. Times. And every single time Ashley lets out a sigh of relief when the buzzing finally stops, it goes off again only seconds later. And checking the caller id the first couple of times only showed that it was Josh calling her. Normally Ashley liked to think that she would have answered her phone if it was literally anyone else, but this was Josh. He called for every little thing after all; from letting her know that he saw a super big dog on the way home from classes to informing her that he was out of chips and if Ash could pick some up on her way to meet them from her job then that would really just be swell. And considering that he and Chris were supposed to meet her and grab a bite to eat together while she was on her lunch break, he was probably just calling to let her know that they had just left, and to make a milestone out of every block closer the two of them got so she could greet them with all the pomp and circumstance he likely thought he deserved. 

Though to be fair she probably would have answered her phone after the third ring, if only to tell him off, but Jared had been giving her a stink eye from his office pretty much since she had arrived so she hadn't.

So she let it buzz...and buzz...and buzz. Until finally, her phone stopped yet again and she tensed her shoulders ready for the next round of vibrations to start. But there was nothing. Nothing but blissful silence coming from her pocket and she let out a huge sigh of relief as Ashley got back to work shelving some of the new stock, letting Kyrstin and Curtis deal with the short line of customers that had begun to form as they bought their books and whatever little trinkets littered the entire front of the store.

She hoped Chris and Josh got here soon, she was overdue for her lunch break and the smells coming out of the nearby food court were calling her name. Particularly the chinese place, she had been craving them for the last week at least . Plus, Jared had been raking her over coals about how her availability was going to drop dramatically once she started college in the next couple of weeks, and one of the creepy regulars had followed her around the store for-freaking- ever (she's pretty sure he had been staring at her ass the whole time too honestly) until Curtis had basically shoved her into the back room to let her escape while he covered for her. And surprise surprise, Jared hadn't been too thrilled about her 'abandoning her post' and yelled at her about that too. 

Whoever said that working in a bookstore was a lazy job where she got to read books in her free time was a dirty, rotten liar. It was hell on earth and she was going to slowly tear the fingernails off whoever it was that said it (even though she had a sinking feeling it had probably be Ashley herself that said it back when she romanticized working in bookstores when she was, like, ten ). God, she really really needed that Chinese if she had any plans of surviving the last four hours of her shift.

The phone at the front desk behind her begins to ring, but a quick backwards glance has her realizing that with poor Curtis trying to deal with an older woman who is adamant that the book he's trying to sell her is the wrong one because she is 'positive that the book had a light purple cover and this one is lavender, that is two different colours and I want the right book now ' and Kyrstin being forced to deal with the rest of the line herself, that Ashley's the one who's going to have to answer the phone. With a groan of resignation (she hated answering the phone at work but Jared was in a horrendous enough mood as it was), she stood up and made her way over, repeating the greeting she was going to have to say over and over in her head so she (hopefully) wouldn't mess it up. And taking a deep breath, and repeating the greeting once more in her head, she forced a smile to her face as she picked up the handset.

"Hi! Thanks for calling—"

"Fucking finally Ash."

In an instant, Ashley could feel every ounce of nervous energy violently expel from her body as she nearly doubled over with another groan, this one entirely of exhaustion. She took quick glance over her shoulder, but Jared seemed to busy with another phone call in his office thankfully. "What are you doing Josh?!" she whispered angrily, "I'm at work right now you moron!"

"Uh yeah, I know. Why do you think I called you using this number?"

Ashley gave Kyrstin an apologetic and pained smile when she looked at her curiously, who responded with a good-natured shake of her head and a laugh under her breath as she turned to help the next customer. "Well, you didn't have to call here."

"Kinda did, Ash. You kept ignoring me."

"I was ignoring your calls you butt, you could have just texted me instead you know."

"Hmmm, no. Anyways I tried calling to tell you that Chris and I might not be able to meet up with you for lunch."

Ashley felt disappointment flood her entire being. "Oh. I see. But you really could have just—"

"We're at the hospital while Chris gets some x-rays done."

Immediately any disappointment fled her body as Ashley all but collapsed on the counter for support as her legs gave out on her. "Is he okay?! Oh god, is he okay Josh?!"

There's a pause on the phone and all Ashley can hear is her own blood pounding in her ears. He has to be okay. He has to be, he just has to be!

"I dunno, it was a pretty gnarly fall. Don't know if he'll ever truly recover, there was a lot of screaming after all."

Ashley doesn't even respond as she slams down the phone and turns to Kyrstin and Curtis who are looking at her in shock as her entire world falls to pieces around her. "I-I have to go. Chris is... Chris is..." she can't get anymore out with how it feels like someone is ripping her heart out of her chest. "Josh said he's in the hospital and...and..."

Curtis nods quickly as he runs to the staff room, and Kyrstin just starts shoving her towards the door as they all ignore the customers who are standing around awkwardly. "Go. We got this."

Ashley turns her head towards Jared's office. "But I gotta—and, and I need to grab my stuff—

"Nope. You go. Curtis and I will figure something out, and Becks arrives for her shift in another half hour. We can manage just fine until then. You just get out of here right now."

Ashley doesn't try to fight anymore than that, not with how hard she's fighting to hold back breaking down in the middle of the store after all. Curtis meets her at the entrance with her bag and shoves it into her arms. "Do you need me to call you a taxi, or give you a ride, or anything? Kyrstin can drag Jared out of his cave if she's gotta." Next to him, Kyrstin nods furiously in agreement.

Ashley has never loved anyone as much as she loves her coworkers in this instant. "No, my-my mom gave me the car for today."

With that little bit of approval, and a random customer shouting ‘I hope he's okay hun!’ at her, the two of them shove Ashley into the mall itself and the very instant she crosses that threshold she takes off running, shoving her way through people and nearly falling down the stairs in her effort to get to the parking lot as quickly as she can. She is so, so glad that her mom basically forced the car on her today instead of letting her take the bus as originally planned, she doesn't know how she would have lasted if she'd had to wait for a taxi to arrive and pick her up.

As it is, once she's finally (and somehow safely) managed to arrive at the hospital and found a spot to park, she's nonplussed about the fact that she didn't leave any imprints in the steering wheel from how hard she had been gripping it the whole drive over. She fumbles with the clasp on her seatbelt with shaking hands, almost bursting into tears about that fact alone, but she eventually manages to free herself and basically throws herself out of the car, only remembering to lock the door behind her when she's about halfway to the hospital doors.

The moment she bursts into the waiting room, Josh is sitting there waiting for her. He looks up at her in surprise as she hurries towards him, then down at his phone and back up at her again as he gives a low whistle. "Shit Ash, how many laws did you break to get here that fast?"

She ignores him. "What happened?! How is he?! Just tell me he's okay! Please, please tell me he's okay!"

"I mean, I suppose he's as fine as he could be considering the circumstances." He seems to sense that she's about ready to scream at him so he quickly follows up with "He's on the second floor, in room 272 if you want to see him."

Ashley doesn't even bother to thank him as she bolts to the nearby elevator, frantically pushing the 'Call Elevator' button nonstop until the door opens and then doing the same thing to the second floor button as it carries her up. Her eyes are burning in an effort to hold back her tears but she can tell that the dam is about to burst any second, especially with how long this elevator is taking to move. She doesn't even wait for the doors to open fully, squeezing through them the moment they're wide enough and accosting some poor nurse until he points her down the correct hall. She hurries the rest of the way, staring at every number on the wall until she finds room 272. And then she stops, her hand on the door knob as she braces herself for whatever she's going to find. Chris lying in bed, covered in blood and bandages with a heart monitor beeping next to him, just broken and shattered beyond all repair. With a choked back sob she opens the door—

and finds Chris sitting on the bed looking up at the ceiling bored to tears with a splint wrapped around his pinky and ring finger on his right hand.

"Finally! I thought you would never get here, so if we could just get this over with—" he looks over at her standing in the doorway shell shocked and still in her work uniform and jumps to his feet. "A-Ash?! What the hell are you doing here— Wait, did you just come here straight from work?! "

"You're okay?" Ashley hates how small her voice comes out, "You're really okay?"

"What? Yeah, why wouldn't I be? Who told you—"

Spell broken, Ashley’s bag falls from her shoulder to the ground with a small clatter and she dives towards Chris, wrapping him in a tight hug. "Oh thank god. Oh thank god. " Chris starts to return the hug, likely more than a little confused about what's going on, but she's already moved so her hands are on either side of his face as she tugs him down to her level so she can get a better look at him. Twisting and turning his head this way and that as she looks for any bruises or cuts. "Josh told me that there had been an accident and—"

"Ash!" Chris interrupts her by taking her wrists in his hands—though he winces at the pain that likely forms as a result of doing so—and speaks as calmly and reassuringly to her as he can. "Ash, it's okay. I'm fine . I promise. I just tripped earlier that's all."

Ashley takes in the sight of the scuffed up palms of his hands, and the holes in the knees of his jeans that certainly hadn't been there before, and knows that Chris is telling the truth. Though it doesn't explain the splint on his hand.

"Okay, and I might have broken my finger doing so."

Ashley just stands there so dumbfounded and relieved in equal measure, that she blurts out "Josh said that there had been screaming."

To her surprise, Chris only gives an embarrassed groan as he stares at an area just over her shoulder "God, Josh is never gonna let me live that down is he? Okay, so my finger may not have been the only thing that broke..." Confused, mainly because except for the bandaged finger and ripped jeans he seems perfectly okay, Ashley looks over her shoulder and follows his eyes to his phone laying on the counter just behind her. The screen completely shattered to hell and back with no promise of life anywhere on it. Just the dead, black screen reflecting the ceiling above on its cracked surface 

"Wait," Ashley starts to feel the relieved giggles try to break free as her nerves finally settle, "are you telling me that you broke your finger but you were more worried about your phone? "

Chris sputters as he starts to wave his splinted finger infront of her face. "I mean obviously! This doesn't cost me any money to fix Ash; that's what health care's for! But my phone? Do you know how expensive that thing's going to be to replace? How many paychecks I'm going to have to put towards it? All the money I saved up this summer for school: gone! All because of a stupid little sidewalk curb!"

Ashley can't help it, she starts laughing uncontrollably as she collapses into a nearby chair with her head in her hands. "Oh, I am going to kill Josh when I see him, kill him! And then Jared's gonna kill me for bailing at work and not telling him! God, and I just left in the middle of a rush too! Remind me to buy Kyrstin and Curtis a cake or flowers or something as an apology. Oh my god ."

"You just ditched work? Ash!" Chris falls back onto the bed as he laughs with her. "Why would you even do that in the first place?!"

"Josh told me that you were in the hospital getting x-rays! What was I supposed to think?"

Chris rubs at his eyes beneath his glasses. "I asked him to let you know that we were probably gonna be a little late for lunch while I waited to get my cast! Fucking hell, I'm so sorry."

"Am I interrupting anything or..."

The two of them turn to see a doctor looking up at them with an upturned brow, and holding what Ashley assumes (and hopes) to be the materials needed for Chris's cast. "This is Chris Hartley's room correct?"

"Oh, uh, yeah. That's me."

The doctor nods, and walks towards Chris, but stops in front of the chair Ashley is sitting in. "I'm sorry, but I will be needing that chair sweetheart." With a squeak of apology, Ashley jumps out the chair and moves back by the door so fast that she's almost certain that she had managed to teleport over there, almost tripping over her forgotten bag in the process. Red-faced, she picks it back up and goes to leave (and possibly strangle Josh violently) but is stopped by the same doctor as she sits down in the chair with a chuckle, shaking her head. "You don't have to leave if you don't want to. It'll only take a couple of minutes to get this cast on and then he'll be free to leave with you." 

Now even more red-faced (if that was even possible), Ashley just slowly shuffles over to the table where Chris's (broken) phone and wallet is, nervously fidgeting with the strap of her bag as she waits for Chris to get the cast on. Taking Chris's hand in her own, the doctor—Dr. Klorens her name tag reads—scowls at the now slightly bent fingers in the splint, which Chris only gives a sheepish shrug and smile to, and sighs as she unwraps his fingers so she can reset the splint. And Ashley blanches at the deep, dark bruises that spread all the way from the middle of his pinky to nearly halfway down his palm that she had completely failed to notice earlier before those are once again lost. 

And as promised, once the Dr. Klorens has put the cotton sleeve over his hand and trimmed it to the desired length, it only takes her another couple of minutes to wrap starting from the center of his forearm and all the way up to the center of his palm and then finally finishing with his splinted fingers. As the three of them wait for the fibreglass material to dry, Dr. Klorens goes over the do's and don'ts of cast care, which Ashley takes serious note of because she knows that Chris won't. Especially the 'do NOT get the cast wet' part, he's gonna forget about that one the moment Josh tries to bait him into another water gun fight.

"Alright, I think that's about it. Just come back in three weeks so we can do another x-ray to check and make sure that the bone's all healed up before we remove it. Just let someone know that you're done with the room when you leave, and remember to check out at the front desk." She gathers up her supplies and makes to leave, but stops to look over her shoulder at them with an amused smile on her face. "Oh, and if you two take the stairs, just make sure that you're careful. I know that we're in a hospital already, but I don't think any of us want to deal with any more tripping instances. Especially if they result in another broken bone." After waiting for Chris and Ashley to meekly agree to be careful, she finally leaves the two of them alone once again.

"Welp, that's it for my summer. 'Fraid I'm nothing but a cripple now."

Sighing, Ashley turns to Chris with a tired smile. "You are not a cripple, oh my god. You have a broken finger, you didn't lose the entire arm you dork."

Incensed, Chris waves his cast at her. "Um, do you not see this thing Ash? I may as well have. I've lost the use of two of my fingers now! Two! And on my right hand to boot. I can't hold a controller to play games with, I can't type, I can't text. What am I supposed to do Ash if I can't hold a single thing in my dominant hand anymore?"

"I'm sure you'll manage," she dryly responds. "Now come on, let's get out of here. I have to figure out how in the world I'm going to explain this to Jared so he doesn't fire me."

"Pretty sure that you should just let him if you ask me."

Ashley groans in agreement, but says "It's only another couple of weeks until college starts. Just hoping I can hold out until then, I need the money after all."

Chris lets out a resigned breath but then starts eyeing her work apron. "You got a sharpie in there?"

"Um, I think so. Why?"

"Uh, so you can sign my cast, duh. You missed out when I broke my arm when I was like nine, so you can be the first to get your name on this one."

"Trying to weasel my autograph out of me huh?" Ashley asks even as she digs through one of her pockets to pull out the sharpie in question, and joins Chris to sit next to him on the bed.

Chris laughs. "Damn, you figured out my devious plan. Thing’s gonna be worth a fortune when you make it onto the bestsellers list one day. Gonna be fighting off all sorts of crazed and fanatic fans."

Ashley shakes her head as she chuckles and writes her name on his arm, but pauses when she caps the pen. Seeing her name on his cast suddenly pulls everything back into vivid clarity, and she remembers the panic she had felt when she had thought—when she had believed —that she had nearly lost him. That this was it, that he was here one day and gone the next, and she hadn't even told him how much he meant to her. How important he was to her. She watches as a drop of water splashes down onto the cast and she finds herself wondering if there's a leak in a room upstairs.

"What the—Ash? Are you crying?"

"Huh?" She wipes her eyes, and a surprised but weak laugh escapes when her hand comes away wet. "Oh, I guess I am. Sorry about that, you're supposed to keep the cast dry and here I am crying—"

Chris places his left hand on her cheek to help wipe away some of her tears. "Oh fuck, I really freaked you out didn't I? Fucking hell. I'm—"

"Do you promise not to hate me?"

The look Chris gives her is nothing short of bamboozled. "Hate you? Ash, what's going on with you?"

"Do you promise not to hate me? Please Chris, I really, really need you to promise me this. Please . Do you promise not to hate me?" She’s fully aware that she’s practically begging right now, silent tears flowing down her cheeks, but if it gets Chris to promise then she’ll gladly throw away her pride for this one thing.

"Yeah, I-I promise. Will you just—"

Ashley doesn't give him anytime to finish his sentence before she's squeezing her eyes shut and she surges up to kiss him. She doesn't want to see his expression, not when all she wants is just to remember everything else that is happening. Remember the feel of his lips before he pulls away, and the warmth of his hand on her cheek. In fact, she spends so much time trying to memorize what she is sure is only going to be a single shared kiss, that it takes her a few seconds longer than she would like to admit to realize that Chris's hand isn't on her cheek anymore, it's moved to the back of her neck so he can kiss her back . The shock of which is enough for her to break the kiss and stare at him with wide eyes.

"Wh—" that's all she can get out before Chris is pulling her back in for a second kiss, and this time she lets her eyelids flutter close as she completely melts into, throwing her arms around his neck to hold him closer.

Ashley's not sure how long they stay like that—could have been an eternity, could have only been a couple of seconds—before they're both pulling back with their faces flushed and giggling like morons.

"Wow," Chris says after a moment, "I don't know what made you think I could hate you after that , but wow . If I had known that this would be the reaction I get, I would have broken my finger years ago."

There's something about the way he says it that has Ashley's heart beating even faster. "How long?" she demands breathlessly, "Tell how long ago?"

Somehow, Chris manages to flush even deeper. "I dunno, like... six? I guess?"

Six years. He'd had a crush on her for six years and she'd had no idea. The moment the realization hits her she starts laughing. "I knew you were trying to ask me for a kiss back in seventh grade! I should have just chased you down and given you one anyway!"

This time, it's Chris who starts laughing at the realization. "Wait, you liked me too?! Then that kiss, back in the library...?"

"You still remember that?!"

"Remember it? Ash, that stupid little cheek kiss is the only reason I passed that final I'm sure! Hell, why else do you think Josh dared me to kiss you in truth and dare?"

"What? No he didn't!"

Chris shakes his head as he moves his hand from her neck to around her waist. "He did! He told me to 'return the favour' and all I had been thinking about that summer was kissing you back. Fucking hell, I almost killed him when he pulled me away to get that generator working that winter in the lodge."

"Oh my god, I almost jumped across the floor to you that night when the power went out after the bottle landed on you."

"You didn't!"

Chris sounded so scandalized at the idea that Ashley presses her forehead to his as her smile widens, which only causes his own to widen in turn. "I did! But then Josh pulled you away and I just completely lost my nerve." She starts laughing at the next memory. "Oh god, I kept my lamp on in my room after that hoping you would stop by if you thought I was still awake."

The answering gape in shock was all she needed before she broke into more giggles. "I saw that! I don't know how long I hovered outside your door trying to work up the courage to knock before talking myself out of it. I think I just convinced myself that the outage had freaked you out badly enough that you needed the extra light to get to sleep."

Once the giggles started to lessen, the smiles on their faces did so as well, softening to something warmer and infinitely more cozy. "I almost kissed you, you know," Ashley confessed shyly. "Back at your grad party."

"Yeah, I-I almost kissed you too. And, just so you know, I wasn't lying then. The flowers looked really really good on you." 

"That's good to hear," she admits as she leans in closer, her lips brushing his so lightly it's almost a caress, "I kept them, after all."

Nothing more is said as Chris closes the distance between them again to kiss her, and even though she knows that they really should get back downstairs, she doesn't try to stop it.

They have a long six years to make up for after all.

[alj4890]

Six Sentence Sunday

I'm behind on so much due to life in general, LOL. But to show that I am working on things here is a sneak peek into the next parts of Delicate (which this should be the last chapter of this short series), And Then I Left You, and a few drabbles I have in my WIP folder.

tagging a few that might be interested  @jooous @krsnlove @nomadics-stuff   @twinkleallnight @motorcitymademadame @gkittylove99 @darley1101  @kingliam2019 @texaskitten30 @yourmajesty09 @mom2000aggie @ofpixelsandscribbles t @lodberg​   @my-heart-beats-for-ya​ @aworldoffandoms​ @flyawayboo​  @trappedinfanfiction​ @everythingmarvelsherlockspn​  @sophxwithers​ @esmckenzie​ 

Delicate

This might be the first ball in the history of Drake's years in Cordonia to actually cause a certain excitement. He usually put up with the pomp and traditions to simply be with those he cared about. For years it was to support Liam, then going meant he could hang out with Riley, Hana, and Maxwell.

And then there were his activities in secret for a year with Olivia.

He knew she would be arriving soon. Her absence from Cordonia had been one he felt more acutely than any other. His failure in telling her how he felt about her, his inability to have a civil conversation, even his voicemail had kept him fixated on this date.

He intended for this new year to involve a new relationship with Olivia. He simply needed to find a moment alone with her.

Which as he entered the drawing room Riley and Liam used frequently for their closest friends, he realized that was going to be more difficult than he originally thought. All their friends had come home for the ball.

"I can't believe they gave us that ridiculous moniker." Thomas shook his head.

"The press isn't always known for their intelligence." Liam said, fighting a smile.

"Thomanda." Amanda laughed just saying it. "It sounds like some weird foot fungus cream."

"The press have had five years to come up with anything better than that." Thomas wrapped his arm around his wife's shoulders. "They should have combined our last names. Brunt is more tolerable than Thomanda."

Maxwell rolled off the couch laughing. "We now have to come up with crazy couple names for all of us!"

"We were given Riam." Riley replied. "Personally I prefer Liley, but Riam stuck."

"Naxwell or Madia." Amanda said between giggles while pointing at Maxwell and Nadia. "That's your possible couple's name."

"Naxwell sounds like a snack cake or cookie." Riley added with a chuckle.

"We are sweet." Maxwell responded, cuddling Nadia close.

Hana sighed at seeing them all so happy together. "What would mine and Rashad's be?"

"Rashana?" Riley offered.

"Oh I like that so much better than what I thought." Amanda laughed. "I at first thought Hahad."

The group burst into laughter while more couple names were bandied about.

"So what do we dub Olivia and Ethan?" Liam asked.

"Ethalivia?" Hana offered.

"Olithan?" Maxwell added.

"Oooh! Olithan!" Riley exclaimed. "Sounds like a sea monster. Olivia will love it!"

**************

And Then I Left You

Thomas had worried that first day how they would handle the hotel situations he believed they were bound to encounter. He had gotten used to Olivia's secret passageways allowing him to see Amanda whenever he wanted.

He should have known that the intelligent lady he adored had already solved that problem.

Pulling onto a gravel road, she drove him toward a cottage that sat alone in a rolling meadow dotted here and there with trees. The two-story, thatched roof building sat amidst large Cordonian oak trees. Roses twined around a drain pipe while wisteria grew in wild abandon adding even more beauty to the rough stone walls.

"I know we could stay somewhere different with each place we visit," Amanda explained. "But then I thought we could stay our entire time somewhere in the middle of it all. It will mean more driving each day, but we will have nothing but privacy here."

Thomas stepped out and followed her inside. The cottage was just as charming on the inside as it was on the outside. Much of the furniture was designed strictly for comfort and a few for whimsy. The wooden floors creaked with each step as he explored the different rooms.

Upstairs, there were two bedrooms directly across from one another with a bathroom dividing them.

His lips curved at knowing he wouldn't have to find a way to sneak around and see her whenever they weren't out in public.

"What do you think?" She asked, a bit nervous from his silence.

"It's charming." He set his arms around her waist. "And perfect for our needs."

******************

This next sneak peek is a second part to the Liam angst I posted earlier 😬 So sorry how dark that went. Since many wanted to see how Liam is after losing Riley, Drake and Maxwell, here is some of how it is going for him. Let’s just say it isn’t easy and will take some special persuasion from those left behind to help him.

Liam ignored all of it. He went to his chambers and remained secluded from the world for days. He refused entry to anyone who knocked. He simply sat there staring at the few mementos he had of those he had lost.

He flipped through the photographs Maxwell had insisted on taking of the three of them through the years. He paused at the few his mother was in, wishing she was here now to tell him how to move on from something like this. She had encouraged his friendships with Maxwell and Drake, knowing he would need them to face life in the public eye.

And now he would never have them again.

Setting the old album aside, he reached for the key chain Riley had given him the night of the Coronation. Thinking of that night and their confessions of love only to be cruelly parted...his head dropped as he carefully set it back on the table. Next he picked up the pearl he had given her. The plans and hopes they had while meeting in secret. It had helped him through every moment he was kept from her side.

He then lifted the photograph Anna had taken of them for their engagement. Liam's fingers trembled as they brushed against the image of Riley. Her smile so warm. Her eyes so filled with joy.

Reaching for a decanter, he attempted to metaphorically drown his sorrows. In one night he had lost everything he had held dear. How was he to go on from this? There was no enemy to slay, no way to find those he loved and rescue them. Nothing. Nothing except funerals to attend. Nothing but giving them to the cold, unforgiving dirt.

All he had ahead of him was visits to graveyards. He knew his father didn't have much longer to live. It would be just one more loss in his already devastated heart.

Death was what his life had become. He had feared that when his mother was poisoned. Many a night he would wake up crying at the thought of being completely and utterly alone. This long forgotten fear rose up within him, showing that it hadn't been a mere nightmare. It had been a premonition.

Dropping his head in his hands, he sobbed into the void that had become his only companion.

****************

This next peek is a miniseries idea that will be called, Mixed Signals, that hit after that last Open Heart Chapter. It will focus on my MC Chris getting closer to Tobias (and gah, I am wishing now she could dump all the LI's and be with him. His humor and confidence have won me completely over). It will take place in both books 2 and 3 and focus on her frustration with Ethan and Bryce never committing or saying how they truly feel about her. Since, especially in the chapters before the Hawaii trip, they both would randomly act romantic towards her then friend zone her in the next scene, I'm letting this series show her choosing to step back and see what she wants and needs from a significant other. This begins after the attack and Chris has yet to return to work. She goes to Mass Kenmore to thank Tobias for coming to help find a cure for her and ends up opening up to him a bit.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Tobias asked softly, gently squeezing her close.

"Not really." Chris admitted. "Everyone keeps telling me to give myself time and all." She eased back. "I wish they would leave me alone."

He kept his hands on her waist while studying her. "Then tell them."

"Ha. You've met them." She snorted. "They don't take orders like that well."

"True." He replied. "You want me to do it?" His smirk brought a grin to her face. "Ethan already considers me a pain in his ass. What's one more mark against me?"

She laughed, while dabbing at her eyes and nose. "After what you did for me? No way am I letting you continue to be the bad guy."

"Aww shucks, Valentine." Tobias teased. "You're going to give me a big head."

"As if it wasn't already big enough." She teased back. Tilting her head, she pretended to study him. "How do you lift it?"

"I work out." He winked then stood up. "I'm glad you came by."

"Me too." She held her hand out.

He shook his head. "You already hugged me. I figure that could be our thing."

"Our thing?"

Tobias pulled her back into his embrace.

"Yeah." He hugged her close. "Now that you won't let me be the big bad guy, I think this means you want us to be friends."

"Whoa. I'm merely a girl coming to thank a guy for saving her life." She teased. "Don't be thinking this means more than that."

"Sorry. Thought is already there." He countered, letting her go. "You're stuck with me now Chris whether you like it or not."

"Ugh, fine." She playfully grumbled. "I already deal with so many ego maniacs. What's one more?"

He opened his office door for her. "I knew you would agree."

"Just because you won this round doesn't mean you'll win them all, Dr. Carrick." Chris warned.

"Allow me to let you in on a little secret, Dr. Valentine," he leaned down close to whisper. "I win all the rounds that are important to me." Swiping up the folder he had previously been studying, he saluted her. "See you soon."

***************

And finally another miniseries "What if" for Thomas Hunt and my OC. I've been inspired by rewriting And Then I Met You and decided to do the same with their story in Second Chances. Here's a peek of Amanda actually telling Thomas she is pregnant instead of storming out of his office. I've yet to come up with a title I like for it, LOL, so we'll just wait on that.

Amanda ignored the words Thomas was saying. She didn't want to hear that he had fallen for an actress. All she could focus on was her pain turning into fury. How could he have moved on so quickly?

She wanted to hit him. Never in her life had she ever wanted to hurt someone so much as she did Thomas.

She felt sick to her stomach thinking about him and Kara. The nausea reminded her that she couldn't give in to her desire. She had someone else to think of. Someone who deserved every sacrifice she knew she would have to make to keep Thomas in their child's life.

"...and that's why I am sending Kara flowers." Thomas stepped closer to her when he noticed how pale she was. "Amanda?"

Her eyes lifted to his. Taking a deep breath, she blurted out the reason she came to his office.

"I'm pregnant."

She watched as her words slowly registered. The shock of her announcement caused him to collapse in the chair she had been sitting in.

"Pregnant." He breathed. "Are you certain?"

"Yes." Amanda clasped her hands in front of her. "I wouldn't have come here if I had not had it confirmed by a doctor."

Thomas knew she wouldn't have darkened his door for anything. If there was one characteristic they shared, it was pride. Neither ever wanted to appear foolish.

He got up and took a step toward her, uncertain how he was supposed to react. "What do you intend to do?"

Tears sparked her eyes. "Well, I am going to keep the baby and I hoped..." She bit her lip while lowering her eyes. Seems he had no intention to get back together with her. "I hope you will want to be a part of our child's life."

Thomas reached for her hand. Just because he wasn't sure whether or not to try a romantic relationship with her again, it didn't mean that he didn't want to be there for her.

"I will." He promised.

Her head jerked up and she noticed that there was no condemnation towards her reflected in his expression. Though the surprise announcement had knocked him for a loop, he was at least trying to do the right thing.

Though she had hoped to hear that he wanted to try again, she was vastly relieved to hear his promise.

"Are you planning on staying in L.A. for a while?" He asked.

"I could stay a few days." She wiped her tears with her fingers. A nervous laugh escaped her. "I wasn't sure if you would want me to after I told you about the baby."

"I would like to discuss how we will work this out." He squeezed her hand before urging her to sit down. "I have some meetings that I don't think I'll be able to get out of, but how about dinner tonight at my home?"

"I don't want to interrupt your date." She struggled with the word. "I can--"

"I'm not dating anyone." Thomas explained. "That's why I told you the flowers were more of a professional courtesy than romantic in nature."

"So you and Kara Bennett?" Amanda felt a brief spark of hope. "You're not--"

"No. She's one of the actresses on an upcoming film I'm directing." He replied.

"I see." She mumbled.

"Does 7:30 sound good?" He asked.

"Yes, of course."

"Should I pick you up?" He remembered she was staying at a hotel.

"No, I'll call for a car." She got to her feet again and held her hand out. "I know you have work and a lot to think over." Her lips curved into a sad smile. "But thank you for meeting with me and hearing me out."

He came around his desk and pulled her into a hug. Realizing how hard it was for her to come here, touched something within his heart. She seemed so fragile that he felt the need to comfort her.

Hugging her was the safest way in his opinion.

She trembled in his arms before returning his hug. Struggling with her tears, she laughed.

"Forgive me. I haven't had control of my emotions these last few months. These pregnancy hormones have a mind of their own."

Thomas handed her some tissues. "No need to apologize."

She thanked him as she dabbed under her eyes. "If I'm not crying then I am losing my temper. Poor Maxwell. I practically jumped down his throat for drinking the last Sprite on the way here."

His eyebrows lifted. "Maxwell came with you?"

"Everyone came with me." She shook her head in exasperation. "They were worried that you--" she winced. "They came to support me."

"I see." He replied. Reaching out, he gently grasped her arm. "I hate to rush you, but--"

"Of course." She gathered her things. "I'll see you this evening."

He smiled at her. "I look forward to it."

[thefanficmonster]

And My Heart Burned In That Lodge

Michael (Mike) Munroe x Reader (female)

Warnings: Death, Grief, Dealing with loss, Heartbreak, Swearing

Genre: ANGST

Summary: None of them will ever be the same, who knows if they’ll even heal. However, the case is different for Mike. He’s left to be dealing with the guilt, grief and the haunting memory of his friend’s death. He’s angry with himself for all the wrong things he did and all the right things he was too much of a coward to do. Now, his only closure is talking to a gravestone, hoping the wind in the graveyard will pass the message onto the person who the words are meant for.  

Requested by Anon. Wish I could tag them, they have such amazing ideas ❤

PS - Sorry this is hella long, I got carried away LOL

I stand aside, watching as my friends place their flowers on her grave. I can hear their cries. For some odd reason I can’t find it in me to feel sympathy or the need to go over there and be with them. I can’t see how that would do anything but make me feel more miserable. Standing here, seeing this scene unfold in front of me, I can’t help but be reminded of how it all started.

Fuck Mondays, man. Fuck them from the bottom of my heart. Even worse, this is the first week of school after winter break so no one wants to be here. Even even worse, this is the first time I’ll be seeing Emily after out breakup. We broke up over text and while I’m aware that’s the worst way to break up with someone, I must admit it was the only way for a lot of arguing and awkwardness to be avoided. 

It’s the first time I’m coming to school alone in a while. Without Emily, the car was pleasantly quiet aside from the songs on the radio. Not gonna lie, it felt a bit lonely. Being single for the first time in what feels like forever is both liberating and oddly melancholic. I try to push the self-loathing and the depressing thoughts away as my eyes scan the hallway, looking for the group of familiar faces. My gang. We used to be ten people but we lost two girls during our winter getaway at the Washington lodge. Josh’s sisters, Hannah and Beth, went missing and are presumably dead, all cause of a stupid prank Jess, Emily and I concocted, convincing Matt and Ash to go along with it. In retrospect, I don’t know what we were thinking.

‘Seriously, Mike? From one depressing thought to another? Is your brain lacking serotonin today more than usual or what?‘ I mentally scold myself just as I spot two familiar faces - Sam and Ashley. 

It doesn’t take long for me to notice the rest of the gang - Matt, Jess and Chris - all standing near by, surrounding a girl I have never seen before. She sticks out immediately with her long H/C hair and shiny E/C eyes. Jess has her arm linked with the girl, a gesture really out of place for Jess. I mean, her and Emily are pretty close and I’ve never even seen them hug.

“Hey, man. How are you?“ Matt notices me first, lifting his head and smiling at me. His greeting leads the others to look in my direction as well, including the girl. I catch Jess lean down in and whisper something to her. I can’t hear what she’s saying but it clearly aggravates her. I have never received a dirtier look from a girl in my entire life. I usually have the opposite effect on women but I guess there’s a first time for everything. 

“Mike...” Jess steps away from the girl and towards me, “this is my best friend, Y/N. She just got transferred here.” She turns her attention back to the girl, “Y/N, this is Mike.” 

Y/N looks unamused as she outstretches her arm in my direction. “Nice to meet you” is what she says, but her expression clearly tells me she would like to see as little of me as possible. At least she’s polite, right? 

“Likewise.” The handshake is brief and, despite her obvious distaste for me, she still gives me a firm handshake. 

“Wait, you were transferred? I thought Jess said you came here cause you moved.” Sam furrows her brows in confusion. 

“Well, it’s really a chicken and the egg type of situation.” Y/N laughs, rubbing the back of her neck almost nervously, “We moved because I had to transfer.”  Yikes.“ Ashley comments, “Not to pry or anything, but why did you have to be transferred?“

Y/N looks me dead in the eyes, as if she’s sending me a message that I better not overlook, or so help me God I’ll be dead. ”Noses randomly broke when I was around.”

It hurts so much to look back on those times and not pick up on what I was feeling. I foolishly decided that if I can’t give the feelings a name or find them a purpose I should turn a blind eye. I wasn’t that ignorant, I could tell she was the cause, but I could never admit it.

And then there’s the situation with Jess...

“You hurt her, and I’ll kill you.“

I found Y/N by the bleachers and let me tell you, she’s quite the paradox. She’s a straight A, no nonsense, intelligent beyond her years girl. With all these characteristics, you’d think she’d know better than to smoke cigarettes. Wrong! She’s a smoker. Jess can never not complain about the smell of cigarette smoke, it’s a miracle these two get along.

To my ‘hi’ she responded with what looked to be an eyeroll and an annoyed release of smoke through her nostrils. Even though I know I’m not welcome to be in her proximity, I still decide to sit down a little ways away from her, for personal space and all that. Definitely not cause I’m slightly afraid of her. No way.

We just sit in silence until she hits me with the aforementioned threat. I am caught off guard. All I can do is stare straight ahead of me like a deer in headlights. After maybe thirty seconds of absolute confusion I manage to turn my head to look at her. “What are you talking about?” The question is supposed to sound harsh but compared to the way she spit out that death threat it sounded more like a whimper.

“You are such an ignorant asshole.“ She shakes her head, throwing her cigarette on the bench below her. She stomps on it and walks away. I can’t help but stare at her until she’s out of sight. I feel like I’m watching something non-human. A phenomenon you can experience once in a lifetime - if you’re lucky. 

She’s the complete opposite of Jess: grounded, smart, rational. The only time I’ve seen her be so unpleasant is around me. I catch her interactions with the rest of the gang. From afar, she seems like the nicest, friendliest girl. And then she catches a glimpse of me and her mood changes. I don’t know what’s her problem with me but I know it most certainly isn’t something I’ve done to her. She’s been like that since the first moment we were introduced, so either Jess has talked a lot of shit about me or she just hates people named Michael. I may never know.

I had no idea what she meant at the time and only found out three weeks ago. Speaking of three weeks ago, the group once again headed for the Blackwood Pines, trying to hide their uneasiness with make excitement. I was pretty hyped when I heard we were going because that also meant our friend Josh was finally starting to get better. He hadn’t been in a good mindset since his sisters went missing and we were all really worried for him but weren’t allowed to show it because he always insisted he was fine.

He wasn’t. He was as messed up as ever and served as only the prologue to the nightmare of a night we had to live through.

But before all that could happen, the night started off well. Better than expected. The eeriness of the mountain combined with the bad memories we had of the place we still there, we could all feel the tension, but we did a good job masking it with jokes and whatnot. I’ll be honest, I wasn’t really looking forward to go and not only because of what happened the year prior.

“Wait, wait, wait. Y/N’s coming too?“ I ask, looking at Josh with wide eyes.

The guy is clearly confused by my overdramatic reaction to him counting down the names of the ones who had already RSVPd ‘Yes’. “Is that a problem or something?”

I sigh, hiding my face in my hands. It’s embarrassing to admit, really. “She doesn’t like me, and that puts it mildly. She hates me.”

He looks even more baffled than before, “Why? What’d you do to her?”

“Nothing, for fuck’s sake. Not a single thing. I haven’t even had a proper interaction with her.“ Talking about this matter exhausts me, mostly cause I can’t even express half the things I’m feeling.

There’s been a time or two I’ve caught her looking at me but her eyes weren’t filled with that distrust I’m used to. She looks away quickly when we make eye contact, as if she can’t put the mean mask on in time and she has to look away to do a system reset. I sometimes catch myself looking at her without realizing. I try to tell myself I do it for the purpose of solving her. 

‘Who are you kidding, Munroe?‘

                                                                  * * *

And here I am, climbing up the mountain to the Washington lodge. I’ve made it a goal to use this getaway to mend things with Y/N. It’s the only way for me to get back to normal. To get my mind back since she’s recently been living in my head rent-free. I’m bullshitting, not just recently. She’s taken over my brain since day one. I can’t place what’s going on with me, I can’t find a term to label it with and I most definitely can’t find a way to stop it. So, I’ve come to the conclusion that if I can’t stop it on my own, she’ll have to do it for me.

Another thing - I’ve never felt nervous or self-conscious around a girl all my life. Never. My friends joke that I’m a ladies’ man and I’d say that’s pretty true. So I have a tough time understanding how I turn into an awkward turtle that’s missing confidence when she’s around.

Once we all get settled in and there’s a fire going, giving the lodge a cozy atmosphere, it’s every man for themselves. Everyone picks a activity they want to occupy themselves with and the living room of the lodge empties out, leaving me there alone.

I scroll stare at the screen of my now useless phone. The thing has no reception and no way of keeping me busy, leaving my attention to wander to the voices that are getting more and more distant as my friends walk out of the room.

I can’t help but overhear Jess say to Y/N, “You haven’t even set your bag down yet and you’re going for a smoke? Jeez, Y/N.”

“You say as though you don’t know me.“ Y/N laughs, the sound of a door opening following after her voice.

It’s such a nice sound, her laugh. I’ve never heard it before. I’ve seen her smile and seen her chuckle at someone’s joke, but it was never actually a laugh. Seems she keeps those for special occasions. 

If she’s in the type of mood to laugh, she’s in the type of mood to be civil with me. Before I can talk myself out of the on-spot decision, I mentally slap myself and get off the couch, walking to the door to the side deck.

“You’ve got this, she’s just a person” 

“Who’s just a person?“ her voice cuts through the silence of the outdoors.

‘SHIT I SAID THAT OUT LOUD‘

I decide to carry this all the way, no shortcuts. No backing out. Somehow, now that she’s standing in front of me - a cigarette between her fingers, her shoulders tense from of the cold - I find it easier to get the words out. She’s just as human as everyone else. The cold causes her to shrivel up. She’s addicted to tobacco. She’s not some riddle I need to solve, just a person I need to talk to in order to understand.

“You.“ I reply, “Why aren’t you wearing a jacket?“

She shakes her head, her shoulders trembling a bit, “It builds the immune system.”

“No, it makes you suffer.“ I shrug my jacket off, cautiously approaching her and wrapping it around her.

Surprisingly, she accepts it with a nod and a murmured ‘thanks’, holding onto it with the hand that’s not holding her cigarette. “Why were you reminding yourself that I’m just a person? Do I not look like one?” She scoffs, facing away from me to look at the snowy hills ahead.

“No, no, not that. You just make me nervous that’s all.“ 

She whirls around, giving me this look as though she has no idea what I’m talking about.

“Really? Why’s that?“ she puts out her cigarette on the wooden railing, focusing all her attention on me.

My hand instinctively goes up to the back of my neck, feeling my face start to heat up. “Well, you’re not really fond of me. And I don’t know why, and....” I trail off, sighing in self-disappointment, “And I wanna know why.”

Her expression turns the complete opposite, a smile spreading across her face. “It’s not about something you have done. It’s about what you might’ve done.”

Despite feeling slightly relieved, I am no less confused than I was a minute ago. “And what is that?”

“Break my best friend’s heart.“ She looks a lot more serious now, “You really had no idea she was head over heels for you just a month ago. You were so oblivious and she was so whipped...“ frustration radiates off of her, “I just didn’t want her to get hurt.“ She closes her eyes, stabilizing herself before finishing her statement, “I didn’t want to hurt her.“

“Wait, what?“

The hurt that paints itself on her face is contagious. I feel it too and I don’t even know what’s causing it. “She always told me about you. Mike this and Mike that. She made you sound like the best guy in the world. And...I really wanted to be let down when I met you, but you were nothing but nice to me and to the other people in the group. But you were also such a jerk from time to time. You are just too...Fucking forget it.” 

In a blink of an eye she puts my jacket over the railing and runs inside the lodge.

“Y/N, wait!“

Needless to say, running after her was the best decision I’ve made. I didn’t get her to admit to anything, but at least we lied down the armor and agreed to give each other some time to get to know one another. Drop aside the assumptions and give a this acquaintanceship the chance to become a friendship. 

Sadly, all good things come to an end way sooner than we want. The rest of that dreadful night I witnessed her transform. When everyone was freaking out, she held them and comforted them. I saw the fear in her eyes but she never let it shine through in her actions. She was the one still holding it together even after she saw that disgusting creature. Her and I were the ones to turn that sanatorium upside down. We were with Josh in the mines. We were the ones to see the Wendigo first. We were by each other’s side the entire time. We had each other’s backs. 

I’ve never felt such a connection with someone. I was experiencing the most intimate understanding with a person in the worst moment of my life. It was bittersweet. The poison mixed with the cure.

Even when she knew her death was approaching, her only reaction was a single tear. A single crystal drop running down her cheek.

We can make a break. We can run right out of this hell hole and turn it to ash, all we need is for this fucking to focus its attention elsewhere. Thankfully Chris, Ash and Emily have made it out already and they’re safe. However, Sam, Y/N and I are trapped. The silent looks we exchange are laced with fear and panic. We have to calculate our next moves down to a millisecond and we don’t even know what those next moves should be.

Suddenly, a sharp pain starts spreading from my hand shoulder. My adrenaline is no longer doing a good job blocking out the pain of the fingers I had to sever. I slip up, letting out a hiss. The pain is just that unbearable.

That thing turn at the speed of light, letting out a screech and heading in my direction. My whole body is tense I couldn’t move if I wanted to but my arm is in such a horribly painful position, I think I’ll faint if I don’t readjust it.

“HEY!“ The voice comes from opposite me and my heart drops.

Sam’s next to me. It’s not her. It’s Y/N. 

The Wendigo loses interest in me as soon as it hears her yell turning and heading straight for her. It all starts sinking in. Now that it’s facing away, Sam and I can make it out. But she can’t. It’s over for her. There’s no way she’s leaving this lodge.

I catch her eyes from across the room. Her posture says a fighter, but her eyes scream ‘petrified’. She knows it too. She knows it’s game over. A single tear rolls down her cheek, shattering my heart.

That’s the last vulnerable moment, however. She turns her head, deciding to go out without showing a glint of fear to that piece of shit. I don’t have to look at Sam or tell her what to do. We’re both aware that we’re about to make it out, losing Y/N in the process.

It happens in a split second. Y/N spits at the Wendigo and then next thing I see is her laying on the ground in a pool of blood. 

The dash out of the lodge is a blur. The last thing I remember is sitting outside of the burning building, staring at the flames. The lodge wasn’t the only thing burning. Years of memories; history; wendigos; and my heart burnt in that lodge.

I see the group leave the graveyard. I struggle to move forward, my limbs heavy. I feel gravity is a lot stronger all of a sudden. 

I didn’t go to the final goodbye. I knew it wasn’t her. There was nothing left of her to bury. Sam told me they buried things that reminded people of her and objects she cherished. 

Well it’s time I give my goodbye.

I shrug my jacket off - the same jacket from that night - and put it around the gravestone like I put it over her shoulders. There’s a box of the cigarettes she smoked in the inner pocket.

“I hope you felt what I felt, Y/N. I hope I didn’t have to say it for you to notice it. I wish I knew...cause now it’ll haunt me for the rest of my life.” I can’t stop the tears, I’m too weak and I’ve been holding them back for far too long. “I’ve never believed in an afterlife. But I really hope there is one, just so we can meet again.” I scoff, shaking my head, “Who am I kidding, I’m probably going to hell.”

I believe that’s where I deserve to go, anyway. I’m the reason she died. And I will never let myself live that down. I will never forgive myself. A flame like no other burnt out so mine could keep burning.   I will make sure it haunts me till the day I leave this world behind.

[tnsmeta]

The Escape Room overall being Michelle’s idea

Season One - 3/6 (plus later seasons for context)

“Love Story - Final Scene”, “Just The Two Of Us”, “Video Killed The Radio Star”, “Can You Keep It A Secret”, “Keep It Together”, “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart”, “Sabotage”

“Look Michelle, he doesn’t wanna be your partner - get over it!" “If he didn’t wanna be my partner then why did he say yes?" “Obviously he just felt bad for you.” “Why would he feel bad for me? What’s wrong with me?” “I mean the shirt.” -- Emily and Michelle in their first couple fight trying to reason the dichotomy between the respect she feels for Michelle based on past professional interactions (we know this was foreshadowing), and their relationship as it stands at this point in time (near-abysmal).

The final scene of

“Love Story”

can be looked at as the beginning of this arc because it provides the first moment

Emily starts to do what she’s been promising to do all along (try and make Michelle miserable) and Michelle becomes more vocal about Emily’s leadership as a result.

This leads to their first direct face-to-face confrontation the following episode: “Leave Eldon out of our feud! ...I’ve been rehearsing with him and he keeps on coming back here and rehearsing with you?" “Well, maybe that’s cause he’s my duet partner." “You rejected him. Don’t you remember?” “Yeah. And now I’m saying yes. You know, just cause you now have a crush on someone doesn’t mean you can just take a duet partner.” “You think I have a crush on Eldon?" “...Yes!” “Maybe you do!” “Why would I like a little, dweeby dork?” “Yeah but he’s also the best dancer in the studio?” “Yeah. And I’m the Dance Captain. That’s why I deserve to have the best dancer.”

Worth noting: Michelle is (somewhat) aware of the friction caused by her arrival at The Next Step, as she says to Riley “I mean I’m not surprised but I’m really offended!”

Which... let’s be real, points to a whole lot of issues that have arisen because Emily is *bullying* Michelle at this point in time, and their relationship is not great.

However... back to it: their dance duet/battle can be looked at in a lot of ways, especially in light of later seasons:

It provides a nice contrast to the more friendly-competitiveness of other dancers (see Jacquie and Richelle)

It provided a key part of Emily learning to swallow her pride and therefore becoming a better dancer and Dance Captain (see Emily pairing Richelle with Summer)

Their emotions were running really high considering the fact that they barely pay any attention to him despite arguing over him *and he is sat right there* 

There’s a nice parallel between their argument before their unexpected duet (which Emily initially resists because dancing without rehearsing first is disrespectful to the team--she’s a jerk, but her heart’s occasionally in the right place)... and Brighter Brightest seeing James and Riley doing the same thing and immediately calling them out for having chemistry in the next episode

That weird moment, where despite Michelle’s claims to the contrary--they seem to be on exactly the same page (ie., compare Emily’s reaction to Michelle mimicking pulling Emily to her with Hunter pretending to reel Emily in *cough* it’s the moment he realises something’s wrong *cough*)

After all this drama, Michelle initally resists the offer to become dance captain, as Emily already hates her--and she’s afraid of what she might do to her.

However, when Chloe is verbally berated, and visibly pushed past her breaking point--coupled with how Michelle has watched her treat nearly all of the other dancers--she goes to Riley and James to tell them she’s ready to take charge.

While planning for the coup d’etat (lol) there are moments where she’s visibly uncomfortable with the idea of taking over as Dance Captain--her initial reluctance to create choreography (but she goes ahead and does it anyway--and recruits new dancers); and the moment she almost looks relieved that Chloe might have told Emily (this could hark back to what Michelle said in episode 4 “I’m not--comfortable--to come between Emily and Riley, that’s not my position to take”) off the top of my head.

Despite her doubts, she persists with what the majority agree is best for the team, she persuades Chloe to keep their secret, dedicates all her spare time to rehearsal of the secret routine, and--in what is their first moment of playful face-to-face banter--lies to Emily about Riley’s whereabouts.

(Might I go off-topic here to point out that Emily’s method of getting Michelle to tell her what happened looked--not just a lot like flirtation (which... there was a lot)--but genuine connection; especially taking the Talking Head segments into account, in direct contrast to their duet, they were both on the same page--from beginning to end. Hence, imo, the reason Emily was so unsettled to see Michelle walk away)

Sabotage is... a weird episode, considering this was supposed to be the resentful moment their feud blows in everyone’s faces (which it does, and I’ll get to that). But first we get...

Emily all but giving up on kicking Michelle out of the studio (she tried twice--kinda, and let Michelle tag along to Elite, lmao--good effort... as a reminder, this is the same person that always has a ‘back-up plan!’)

When her best friend starts to take over, and comes up with a plausible way to get Michelle kicked out of the studio... the only thing Emily has to say is ‘that’s so mean’?

She doesn’t even end up sending the message, she just looks at her own phone shocked--then regretful??

Michelle appealing *directly* to Emily, despite the fact that she knows she’s being set up... by Emily???

Michelle genuinely being hurt (she even emphasises this) that Emily would do this????

Oh, also! You know convincing-every-other-dancer-in-the-studio-actor Emily?... Shockingly poor performance when Michelle’s in the room?? (and she fixes her hair before Michelle comes in like--you idiot, this is neither an interview nor a date?????? and I’m done)

Then the blow-up which just...

For all everyone hypes up Michelle and Emily’s relationships with Eldon, nothing even close to that comes up. A review--Emily is:

Bossy

Rude

Stubborn to a fault (’don’t include anyone’s ideas!’)

Oblivious, mean, and controlling ('You make us not even wanna dance!’ There is an implication in her saying this statement that Michelle is aware Emily doesn’t have the self-awareness to realise this)

Divisive ('A good Dance Captain doesn’t tear the team apart.’)

And Michelle is:

Hypocritical and divisive (Oh, and I suppose your routine didn’t do that?)

Rescinded (Michelle looks at her and she doesn’t speak again until it’s to respond to Miss Kate)

Then there’s the whole angstiness of everyone performing the dance (’seeing everyone having a good time and just--doing the hardest they can to take everything I’ve ever worked for away from me? That’s hard. That’s, that’s really hard.’)

Michelle is, aside from Stephanie, Miss Kate, and Chris, the only person who appears to value Emily’s contribution admitting it could go either way (’I know Emily’s worked really hard to become Dance Captain... and I know she’s worked really hard to create her routine...’).

Basically, you know what Emily said in episode two? "I’m the Dance Captain because... honestly, I don’t see anyone else in the studio being able to handle it other than myself.” Another of her foreshadowing-in-an-ironic-manner utterances. She *couldn’t* do it herself, she just thought she could, trying to do it herself as she thinks she has to ("Rules are rules, and I don’t believe in the saying rules are made to be broken”) has caused her to snap--hurting not only her, but everyone else. And that’s not okay.

[softnorwegians]

Some asks that I’m answering all together because I don’t have much to say and didn’t necessarily want to put them all on people’s dashes:

I just rewatched Season 2 and I‘m asking myself why I liked Noora that much. Besides the whole William thing. What he did to Vilde was so gross and he did not change. And let’s be hones, what happend to Noora when she was young was what William did to Vilde. Besides that. When she just directly shows Eva the tabs on Isaks Phone and talks about him and Sara in such a judgmental and mean way. And the whole Syria Crisis thing was so awkward, she didn’t really care. She just wanted to seem better 1\

2 than Eskild. And how she kissed Yousef even though she was so sure that Sana fancied him. And why? Because Sana did not tell her William had a new girlfriend. But in season 2 Noora doesn’t tell Eva about Jonas new girlfriend for a while. She tells her right before Eva and her go to the party where Jonas and his girlfriend are too. Ugh Noora in season 1 was awesome but they completely destroyed her character.

Yeah, tbh Noora was never one of my favorites? Maybe because I try to live-and-let-live and not get too judgmental so it’s extra painful to see someone failing at that. I think Noora is realistic and sometimes relatable but it can be a little hard to watch, hahaha.

I was always okay with Noora until s4 though! I absolutely got completely sick of her during s4, ajhksjf. I don’t hold kissing Yousef against her because I like to pretend that just didn’t happen but I was exhausted by how much we were seeing and hearing about her.

I’m confused as to why people are upset about William getting mad at Noora when he thought she slept with Nikolai?? Unless I’m remembering it wrong, he asked her “did you sleep with my brother” and she responded with “I don’t know” and he stormed off. That definitely doesn’t seem like an overreaction to me, just miscommunication as to what happened and what exactly Noora didn’t know (whether she was raped or not vs. whether she had consensual with him or not)

Well, “I don’t know” is an answer that doesn’t really make sense when related to the question of having sex so I think people felt like it was little ‘eh’ to not pick up on the undercurrent of what she was saying with it. But yeah, I’m not holding his initial reaction against him. It’s when he gets the texts that I’m like “...what”.

just saw this in the tag "blackmail? lol she doesn't have to go on the date. all she had to do was say "hell no" and then tell vilde what happened. it's not that serious". why did society teach us it's desirable for a man to never stop even if you say no to him, that if he just keeps pushing you'll see the light eventually. it's also funny that france leaked a key episode again to create hype. there's no way it isn't intential. i guess at least Italy will get s3 since they're in Oslo now *sighs*

I probably should have addressed more about Noora agreeing to the date but oh well. ...I have an allergic reaction to “s3” and “remake” in the same sentence. It’s making me not want to watch any of the remakes any farther, tbh.

one thing is also that he doesn't say it in a joking way, he sounds serious and it's very bad directed if that line was supposed to be a cute way of asking for consent.

Yeah, agreed, like I don’t get that at all from the line. It’s more what I figure it has to be.

If you look past how unnecessary annoying and obsessed Julie made Vilde (to a point some people probably thought it all was Vilde and not William), she also had a pattern with Norh*lm. His friends get beat up instead of him, he acts like 180, Noora doesn't owe him. He gets mad and hurt when she tells the truth, he walks away and she lays it out again but she kisses him. She doesn't know if she was assaulted but she has to get him back when he's been hurt. What a mess but boyfriend goalz!

I’m tired.

If it's hard to see how Wilhelm pressured Noora then switch it out to be about sex or coming out of the closet and add in how everything affects Vilde with her eating disorder and fragilness with her feelings then perhaps it's clear as a day.

Sorry, I’m not quite following this one! But I feel like I would support you. 😁

I don't see why peolke think william changes in s2? He gets points from his fans that he stops sleeping with girls, is gentle and soft (Vilde said he was that and that's why she fell back to her, NHs must really dislike Vilde in the 2.8 scene), doesn't pressure her with sex after she says she wants to wait, doesn't read her messages, finishes her essay while she's sleeping after a panic attack and GOSH doesn't leave his love in that state to party hard. Then ignores/levavs her when he finds out.

I’m still with Vilde, she deserved better than William and why isn’t that true for Noora too?

I would actually say literally nothing I hate about willhelm (besides not using a condom) is stuff heard via rumors and gossip and actually just through stuff he actually does onscreen lol. Also even if He never would've actually told Vilde about what happened threatening to do so isn't any better sorry

I just really hate in general that he’s leveraging something to get to Noora. I mean, she does agree to this date (offscreen) but even then, it was a bargain and not because she actually wanted to be there. What kind of “date” is that. I just hate seeing that in any context, a woman coerced into a “romantic” situation.

“Take Vilde, she reveals he was loyal, caring and gentle when they had sex beforehand we were made to believe the opposite was true”..Um and then he slept with every girl in school. I mean sleep with whoever you want, however many people you want but being gentle and nice in sex doesn’t mean your a good person. That is the opposite of loyal.... I don’t even hate William honestly think I hate Noora more but the pro side always reaches so hard only people who reach more are the Jonas haters.

Oh, yes, I didn’t comment on that but the “loyal” definitely doesn’t apply.

I agree we should have gotten way more Vilde and Even content and way less Noora and William drama. I hated the way Vilde was portrayed(the comments she made about Sana to the Pepsi max girls and just some stuff she did/said we’re not cool and I didn’t like that it was kinda brushed aside)and don’t get me started on the lack of Even. He was(I’m assuming)a big part of her life, he was best friends with her brother and was probably around a lot and we just didn’t get the storyline they deserved.

*pours one out for the s4 we imagined during the hiatus* 

Common trauma? Amazing how William knows Noora doesn't feel loved and left by her parents yet he shuts her out and leaves her after he's seen her having a panic attack when she can't breathe and says she feels as if she's going to die over something she isn't ready to share yet. And this is supposed to be a desirable relationship? At least they are attractive? But attractive white fuckboys have always gotten what they point at.

Yeahhhhhhhh, it really does make it harder to excuse what he does when he knows something is wrong and she’s actually pretty upfront with “there’s something I have to tell you but can’t yet”.

it's amazing how most 18/19 are decent at that age and you get to vote, drive and drink, but if you are a rich badboy you have a right to act however you want and people must forgive you in the end. since julie never made his bff chris be more than a second supporting character, why couldn't he be the huge asshole instead and wilhelm had to be torn with his loyalty? then I rmbr the blackmail date did so he missed defending his boys, tg s1 didn't say it was the date's fault he wasn't there! 😊

I don’t even mind that they started William out as an asshole, they just went too far with it imho and never pointed out “this behavior is wrong and we know it” and he never had to atone or redeem himself for what he did.

n8rhelm is supposed to be the classic hate to love story, there's a million movies but ive never seen one where the person is terrible to the love interest and manipulate them like this. also william is a really weak actor, don't know if that doesn't translate,all he have is his looks and glaring stares. he couldn't even deliver pretending to be a bad actor with niko there or when he tells nooea to be quick with the water. he has no timing or natrualness, only kisses and react n's great acting

I find Thomas Hayes to be... not a great actor but also not completely terrible? There’s some scenes I buy him (the marching band scene where he’s rolling his eyes I remember as good?) but he doesn’t bring a lot sometimes. idk.

thegirlnooneknows5 replied to your post “(1) ok I’m pro-noorhelm and arguing via ask is hard with a limit and I…”

And whenever Noora talks about his good qualities and whatnot, we never really get to see them. It’s all off screen. It would be easier to forgive him if we actually got to see his change, but ah well

☝ I think that would really improve things, tbh.

thegirlnooneknows5 replied to your post “the funniest argument to me used by noorh*lm stans in excusing his…”

It also perpetuates the idea that ‘no means convince me’ and that’s farked up

Ugh, yeah. That’s one of the more depressing undercurrents of s2.

daigina replied to your post “1)The truth is really in the eyes of the beholder , you guys don’t…”

I agree it’s a good move with William but it does nothing to resolve the major problem with him that season which is how he treated Noora with no discussion or explanation or apology at all. If that detail had been fitted into even a short discussion between the two over all of THAT in Williams clip that would have been soooo nice

Also that was such a tiny thing?? Like they didn’t even spare two seconds of dialogue on it, it’s barely there. If you need a magnifying glass to see character development, does it count?

Yeah, I liked that lawyer detail but it really was such a last minute, supplementary thing!

i still think julie had no idea what the fight was about in s4 or changed her mind when someone was coming back. we knew she rewrote and missed gullruten, several norwiegians reported on rumors at the time that she bearly had written the last episode when it was time for recording. she wrote the fan fave to have an unprovoked violent moments just in time to bring back the one who everyone complained had hit someone with a bottle. and how could yousef've been so wrong about what happened at bakka

oh god, let’s not even get started. it just makes me sad to think about how thrown together s4 wound up being.

Hi. Is it true that skam italia is using a white actress to play Sana, a muslim character?If so, it is wrong in so many levels, tbh!

I believe the actress is white and isn’t a muslim. And yeah, nagl. 

I feel like that with skam france they have the intention to do a season 3 and want it to start in autumn to align with the original series. I’m not saying I agree or like this tactic but it seems to make the most sense of why. Sure the time span is short between 1 and 2 but it’s not the most unrealistic. The director said he went on this project because of season 3 especially so I guess that’s why I think it’s like this. It would be more odd for Lucas to move in to the flat during the year.

Oh god... sorry, not you, I’m just at the point where I really don’t like being reminded that season three will ever be remade anywhere.

[ohwhatamessiam]

Self Control - Chapter 3

Summary: You attend the English department’s dinner, where you meet a few fellow colleagues and Chris’ wife. A comment @fangirlisms-22​ left me was “Okay three seems super aggressive for the first time they do this.” But I’m gonna leave that up to y’all to decide.

Pairing: Professor!Chris Evans X TA!Reader

Word Count: 4.6k (this took on a life of its own and that is why it’s taken a year to write guys)

Warnings: Language, A VERY EXPLICIT UNPROTECTED SEX SCENE (IF YOU ARE UNDER 18 DO NOT INTERACT WITH THIS POST ALSO PLEASE USE PROTECTION AT ALL TIMES), some casual drinking, the introduction of some other attractive Marvel stars.

A/N: Hey y’all, so I’m here to ruin your Thursday (lol I know I’m posting this at 3 am my time) with flirting and sex, woohoo! I didn’t make the wife a specific person, but a composite of several women Chris has dated. It’s been like 3 years since I’ve written smut so this is pretty shitty. I used to write very clumsy, awkward, cute, and protected sex scenes, but this one threw all that out the window. A thank you to @fangirlisms-22​ for helping me chop 300 words off this bad boy. I believe everyone on my taglist has confirmed that they’re 18+, but if I included you and you are not, please let me know. Here’s the Spotify playlist for the entire fic. I love feedback, so send me your thoughts, feelings, wishes, etc!

Tags are open for this story, so send me an ask here to be added to it or my permanent list!

Self Control | Masterlist

It was Thursday night of the third week of classes, and Prof. Downey had strongly recommended you attend the English Department’s dinner at his house. It was his way of kicking off the new semester, and getting new and old colleagues introduced to each other. You really hadn’t planned on attending, but one of your fellow grad students swore that all the graduate TAs attended to get to know their current or future, bosses and coworkers better.

Arriving at at Prof. Downey’s house five minutes before the evening would officially begin, you waited in your car for a few minutes to breathe and calm your nerves.  

These were your colleagues and advisors. There was no need for you to be nervous or worried. But you reminded yourself that wasn’t completely correct. Prof. Evans and his wife were supposed to attend tonight, and after your shared moment of intimacy outside his office, you weren’t sure if you could handle meeting her. You’d felt so badly about the incident that you’d barely spoken to Chris except for discussing class assignments and grades.

You take your last breath in before getting out of your car, your small clutch and favorite bottle of red wine in hand. You only get to knock on Prof. Downey’s intricate wooden door once before it swings open. Prof. Downey greets you with a grin and a dramatic wave for you to enter, “Come on in, (Y/N)!” You smile back politely, lifting your wine bottle towards him. “Oh thank you, but you should keep that.”

“Robert really needs to put ‘bring your own booze’ on his invites,” a man chuckles from inside the room. His dark blue eyes meet yours as you step into the house.

“Everyone, this is (Y/N). She’s the new grad student who’s TA-ing for Chris,” Prof. Downey announces after he shuts the front door. “(Y/N), the snarky bastard who always brings enough alcohol for everyone is Professor Stan.”

You twitch your fingers, waving to him. “Robert, you know I prefer Seb, or if we’re being formal, Sebastian,” the man in a navy suit waves Prof. Downey off. “It’s nice to meet you, (Y/N),” he says warmly with a crooked smile, the corner of his eyes crinkling.

“And this is Professor Mackie, who doesn’t actually belong at this dinner, or even in the English department, considering he’s a sociology professor,” Prof. Downey says, rolling his eyes as he passes the leather couch the two men are sitting on.

“And I prefer to be called Dr. Mackie, since I did all the damn work to get a Ph.D.,” the man in a gray suit jacket smirks, giving you a polite nod before glaring at Prof. Downey.

“Wherever Prof. Stan seems to go, Dr. Mackie appears to follow,” Prof. Downey shrugs.

“Sebastian,” Prof. Stan reminds him.

Prof. Downey shakes his head at Sebastian and moves onto the woman sitting in the arm chair across from the couch, “And as you may know already, this is Elizabeth Olsen, a third year grad student.”

“Hi Elizabeth,” you say, giving her a small smile and a nervous look. You actually have met her twice.

“Hey (Y/N),” she smiles back before pointing at your wine bottle. “What do you have there?”

“Uh, just a Merlot I had in my apartment. I hadn’t really planned on coming tonight, but I couldn’t say no to Prof. Downey’s invite.”

“It’s Robert, dear,” Prof. Downey reminds you.

“I just couldn’t turn Robert down,” you correct yourself.

“Better,” he smiles at you. You hand him the bottle and take a seat next to Elizabeth.

“You’ll learn this is a very informal group,” Dr. Mackie reassures.

Sebastian nods in agreement, “Yes, this may be the only department that not only allows you to drink at all its events, but actively encourages it.”

Well this was going to be an interesting night.

6 more professors, including Chris, and 5 more grad students show up before dinner. Robert made sure to bring you a glass of wine to help you relax, he could tell that you aren’t quite sure where you fit in the department yet. He whispers a few words of encouragement to you before dinner starts, “Be yourself (Y/N), you’ll find your place here by staying true to your wants and interests.”

Chris’s wife, Jennifer, does very little as the night goes on. She barely says hi before finding the kitchen and pouring herself a drink. And that drink is followed by several more. She speaks to Sebastian, Robert's wife Susan, and one of the other grad students during the evening, and when dinner finally begins, she barely pokes at her food.

You somehow end up sitting between Susan and Sebastian, with Jennifer, Chris, and Dr. Mackie directly across from you three. You make sure to quietly praise Susan’s food, and her gentle smile and squeeze on your wrist feels maternal. Sitting at their long wooden table, you can tell Robert and her are the parents of this group, and although the department squabbles, they all genuinely seem to care about each other.

They are a family, and you're lucky to be welcomed into it.

Robert ends up asking the instructors at the table how their classes are going, and you listen quietly but enthusiastically as you work on your third glass of wine. When the question reachs Chris, you drop your hands in your lap and avert your eyes.

“It’s been going really well,” he starts, taking a swig of his beer. “The writing courses have been smooth, and the literature course has been much easier than I’d anticipated. But I have (Y/N) to thank for that.” Your eyes dart up at him cautiously as you take another sip of wine. Jennifer raises her gaze from the table for the first time since the food was served.

“Oh, (Y/N)’s been helpful?” Robert asks, giving you a knowing glance that says he knew you’d be great.

“Quite helpful actually. I’d say she almost has a better grip on the literature than I do, and she’s great at looking at the pieces through different perspectives,” Chris continues, and you can feel his eyes watching you, but you drop your gaze back to your plate. A flush creeps up your cheeks, but you tell yourself it's just in response to the alcohol.

“If (Y/N)’s good with literature then I might have to request a new TA next semester, Robert,” Sebastian says next to you. You glance up to catch him watching you closely. His dark blue eyes meet yours and you could swear you turn to jelly on the spot.

“Literature isn’t really my thing, but when Prof. Downey-,” you begin. Prof. Downey’s fork scrapes loudly against his plate. “Well uh, when Robert asked if I was willing to help, I figured I’d make it work.”

“So what is it you prefer to do then, (Y/N)?” Sebastian asks with a small smirk as he angles his body toward yours.

“She’s a writer,” Chris cuts in.

“And quite a good one,” Robert adds. Their voices pull you back from your tunnel vision on Sebastian, but you could stare at that man all day. “I was actually going to ask if she’d be interested in submitting anything for publication this semester,” Robert continues, and you turn to find him watching you with a look of caution.

“Uh, I actually haven’t written anything in awhile, but I’m sure I could put something together,” you answer, nodding his way slowly.

“Excellent.”

After dinner, part of the department left and the other part found their way back to the living room with their drinks in hand. You thought Chris would leave based on how uncomfortable Jennifer had been all night, and how quickly she found an escape. Yet, even after she pulled him aside to speak in hushed tones, she kissed him on the cheek, and threw a goodbye over her shoulder. Chris seemed to shrug it off and took a spot on the couch. You ended up sharing a loveseat with Elizabeth who’d been giggling and whispering to you after her fourth glass of wine.

Conversation had turned to current students and you felt like you were sitting in an inner circle of powerful people. Sure, discussing how annoying or talented certain students seemed was kinda unprofessional, but the evening was so informal that it didn’t matter.

“There’s been one kid that wanted an extension weeks before the due date,” Chris offers to the group, “but all the rest are relatively average. Few bother to stop by office hours or contact me.”

“I’ve had a couple stop by my hours,” you cut in, feeling your fourth glass of wine kick in. “There’s this one kid, uh, Tom, he’s really sweet. He’s had a lot of questions about the literature. He’s stopped by my office a couple times and emails me questions too.”

“Oh yeah, his last paper was pretty good,” Chris nods at you.

“Sounds like someone might have a crush on you,” Sebastian cuts in, nearly singing the words to you. Closing your mouth quickly, you sit up a little straighter, unsure of what's going on. Sebastian’s eyes are zoned in on you and you try not to stare back at him but it's nearly impossible. “But I don’t think you can really blame the kid.”

“Prof. Stan, don’t make me send you down to HR to see Scarlett,” Robert warns.

Sebastian lets out a sigh as he turns to Robert, “It’s Seb! And I doubt Scarlett would have anything positive to say about our present environment, RDJ.”

You avert your eyes from their tiff and find Chris watching you with narrowed eyes. “Alright boys,” Susan breaks in. Sebastian throws his hands up in forfeit and finishes his drink.

“He likes you,” Elizabeth snickers as she grips your wrist.

You turn to her with confusion etched in your features, “What?”

“He likes you,” she whispers quietly this time.

“Who?”

“Um,” she starts before glancing back at the couch Sebastian and Chris are sitting on, “Both of them, I think.”

The night came to a close after everyone had attempted to sober up, called a cab, or announced they were crashing in Robert’s guest rooms. You tell Robert you aren’t comfortable driving but you need to go back to your office to pick up some assignment to grade, so he lets you leave after you promise to call a cab.

You hug Susan and Elizabeth, and tell everyone still in the house goodnight. As you start down Robert’s driveway, heavy foot fall comes up behind you. “Hey, (Y/N),” Chris calls, catching up with you. “I’ll walk you to your car.”

“I’m actually going to my office,” you answer, keeping your back to him. “And I don’t think that’s necessary.”

“You’re a beautiful woman who’s intoxicated walking around campus at night, you definitely need someone to walk with,” he responds, moving in front of you.

You pause on the sidewalk, staring at him skeptically, “I don’t think this is a good idea.”

“You can think this is as unnecessary as you want but I’m going to follow you until you get somewhere safely. I can’t have anything happening to my best TA,” he says quietly, but a cheery tone creeps into his voice. You let out a sigh and start back down the sidewalk. “Good,” he chuckles as he follows, “I haven’t gotten a chance to speak with you in a while.”

“There’s a reason for that.”

“(Y/N),” Chris pauses, tugging on your wrist. “You’re not still worried about what happened at my office?”

You tug your wrist away from him and speed up your pace, “It was inappropriate, and I don’t want another incident like that to jeopardize our careers.”

Chris continues to follow you as you turn down another street, “I’m sorry.” You cross the street and keep walking. “I really am (Y/N),” he calls as he steps into the street. You glance over your shoulder to find him having to stand back for a car to pass. “I didn’t mean for it to happen, and it was inappropriate.”

You nod to yourself, cross your arms over your chest, and keep walking. He catches up with you as you step onto campus, “But just because we can’t be involved, doesn’t mean you can’t see Sebastian.”

“What?” you ask, stopping your tracks. “Why would you even say that?”

Chris scoffs, “I saw how you looked at him.” You glare at him but stay frozen, “and he definitely likes you.”

“Yet again, that was inappropriate,” you start as you point at Chris. “And I just met him! I don’t even know him!” You jab Chris in the chest before you start to move past him.

His hand wraps around your own, pulling you to a stop, “I’m sorry, I know. It’s just, he’s a good friend of mine and he’s not married.” His hand leaves yours as you make eye contact with him, and you feel nerves of attraction tickle your stomach. “Sure, he always likes grad students, but I want you to be happy.”

His baby blues hold yours and you wish you had more self control, because you can't look away. “I-, I appreciate that but my private life is my private life.”

“I know,” he nods, finally dropping his gaze back to the ground.

It takes you another moment to gather yourself, but you begin walking again, pulling your keys from your bag. “By the way, Jennifer seems really nice,” you comment, desperately trying to remind yourself this man is married.

“Uh, yeah.”

“Is she always that quiet?” you ask as you began climbing a set of stairs, your heels clicking against the cement.

“Um, not generally. She just didn’t want to be there tonight,” Chris answers and you glance over your shoulder to look at him. His hands are shoved in his pockets and his face looks sad. “Actually, she doesn’t really want to be anywhere with me.” You hesitated on the top step, unsure of what that meant. “We’ve been separated for a month.”

You turns your body to face him, suddenly feeling bad about rejecting him so harshly. “I’m sorry Chris, I-, I didn’t know.”

“It’s not a big deal,” he shakes his head. “I’ve actually been sleeping on the couch in my office a few nights a week.”

“That’s really shitty,” you whisper as you continue down the sidewalk. The solid cement turns into uneven brick. You cross your arms again and try to walk carefully.

“We really haven’t told anyone yet. Robert doesn’t even know, so we came together tonight to keep him from asking questions.”

“Susan knows,” you cut in, watching him as you kept walking.

“How-,” he begins, but shakes his head. “Nevermind, that woman knows everything.”

“She reads a room really well.” You glance up to see the English department’s building ahead and as you step over another dip in the bricks, your heel gets caught in a groove.

Chris reaches out in enough time to catch your titled form, and he pulls you into his chest. Your hands grip his arms as you look down to unwedge your heel, but his arms don’t loosen from around your waist. As you look up at him, you feel your breath leave your body. His hooded eyes watch you closely, as if he's never been this close to you before.

Your fingers squeeze his arms for a moment, wishing you could put more distance between yourself and the warmth of his body. “This might be wrong for me to say, but I really like you (Y/N). And I haven’t felt this way in a long time.”

As his face comes closer to yours, you wish you were any other two people so you could be together. And as your eyes close, his lips meet yours gently, waiting for your reaction. Your hands wrap around the back of his arms, keeping him pressed to you as you mold your lips against his. A tingle trails down your spine and the butterflies in your stomach seems to spread throughout your entire body. Hands slip down to your hips as your lips part, and his eyes watch you closely. You stare back in awe, your body warming against his.

“I-, I-,” you begin when Chris finally lets go of you.

“I’m sorry, you don’t need to-,” he cuts you off as he begins to move toward the building.

“No,” you whisper, your hand tugging on his wrist. “I want this.”

He pauses, looking at you apologetically, “You don’t have to say that.”

“No Chris,” you shake your head as you brush your fingers against his cheek. You straighten your spine, knowing you’ll regret this one day, but not tonight. “Goddammit, I want this.”

A smile tugs on his lips and his arms wrap around you, lifting you off the ground. You giggle into his ear, your arms resting on his shoulders as he carries you into the building. As the door closes, he presses you against the wall, and his mouth meets yours with more urgency. You trail your fingers up to the nape of his neck and tug on his hair as you open your lips. He moans into your mouth, and you smile against his. You already found one of his sweet spots. Hands roam down your waist as you arch your body into his, and trace his lower lip with your tongue.

He pulls away from your mouth long enough to instruct you to jump, and you do just as he asks. Wrapping your legs around him, your lips meet clumsily as his hands hold you to him. You laugh against his cheek and brace yourself on his shoulders as he carries you up the stairs.

When you finally reach the English department, he rests you against the wall as his hands slide under your blazer. You help him pull it off as he carries you to the leather couch. Laying you down gently, your mouths reconnect, and you slide your hands under his suit jacket. Your fingers trace over his abs, causing him to chuckle against your lips. His thigh pushes between your legs as he interlockes your fingers with his and pins you to the couch. His tongue teases your own as his knee brushes against your underwear, touching you right where you want him to. A nearly pornographic moan escapes your mouth, and he pulls back.

"You like that, huh?" he asks, a devilish smirk accompanying his heavy-lidded eyes. You bite your lip and nod. He grinds his leg against you, pulling a whimper from your throat and his smile becomes a toothy grin. "All these beautiful noises from this beautiful mouth," he says as a hand caresses your cheek before tracing your lip, "they're divine."

You two become a mess of friction, heat, and moans until you hear a door open. You grab him quickly, pulling him onto you as you see someone exit an office near the department’s entrance.

“What?” he starts to ask but you shush him quickly.

“Janitor,” you whisper near his ear, and he turns his head to see a man pushing a cart down the hall. He starts laughing but you cover his mouth with your hand as you stare at him with wide eyes. You two stay frozen until the English department’s door slams shut. Chris lets out a loud laugh as he dropa his head on your chest, and you let yourself laugh with him.

He looks up at you, his lips wet and his eyes dark, and whispers, “Let’s take this to my office.”

You nod, and let him lead you to his room. He leaves the lights off, but his blinds are cracked and the street lamp outside of the building casts off enough light to see. His hands guide your hips into the room, and he pushes a folder and chair out of the way before he sits you on his desk. His fingers brush up your thighs before knotting in the sides of your underwear and yanking them down. He pushes your dress up as he kisses you aggressively, his teeth tugging at your bottom lip.

“I want to taste you,” he says, his breath hot against your cheek, and your eyes roll back in anticipation. Hands spread your legs apart as he reaches your cunt, his breath tickling your skin. He kisses the insides of your thighs, slowly moving closer to where you need him.

He starts by licking a long, flat stripe across your folds, pulling a moan from your lips. “You’re already so wet,” he chuckles. His tongue moves in large circles around your clit and leaves you speechless. The circles gradually become smaller, and his tongue works against your clit as your fingers run through his hair. He slows his tongue as one of his fingers circles your entrance and then dips into you. You arch your back, letting out a gasp, before he inserts another finger and curls them into you, finding your g-spot. A breathy moan escapes your lips as he sucks on your clit and quickens the speed of his fingers, and a knot starts in your core.

“Fuck,” you whimper as you stare down at him. He winks up at you as he guides one of your legs over his shoulder, and he continues to work on your sensitive nerve bundle. The tightening in your core becomes strong enough to shake your legs, and Chris sucks on your clit harshly, sending you into bliss. You grip the edge of the desk as you feel your orgasm spread over you. A strangled, "Yes, oh my god yes," echoes through the room as you feel your muscles clench around his fingers. Chris rocks your hips against his face as your toes curls, riding out your climax.

When your legs stop shaking, he rises to your panting lips and kisses them roughly. His hands guide you off his desk as you reach down to palm him through his pants. He bats your hand away, but instead you work on getting his shirt off. Once his shirt hits the ground, you work on his belt as his fingers tug the straps down from your dress. His lips kiss your collarbone before slipping down to your chest, where he massages your breasts gently. His slacks slide down as he sucks your nipple into his mouth, ripping a whimper from your lips.

You grip his hard dick over his underwear and he growls against your skin. Turning you around by your waist, he throws his belongings off his desk and bends you over the edge. His cock rubs against your folds teasingly before his fingers dig into your skin and he slowly pushes inside of you. Once he is completely in, he stays still letting you adjust to him. You wiggle your ass to let him know it is okay to move, and he takes his cue and pulls out of you almost completely before sharply snapping his hips back to you. You let out a surprised moan and it only encourages him to continue thrusting slowly and sharply.

His fingers knot in your hair, forcing your back to arch as he quickens his pace, and you let out a whimper as he finds your g-spot. Your hands grip his desk, and you feel your core tightening again, but before you can revel in your second orgasm Chris pulls out of you. Spinning you around, he pulls your dress over your head. Your lips find each others as his fingers slip between your legs and brush your clit. You throw your head back as his fingers work faster, and he moves his mouth down to your neck, leaving marks where his lips were.

Your second orgasm comes suddenly and powerfully, and he pulls away from your neck to watch your eyes screw shut and your mouth fall open. You fall back against his desk, your body feeling like jelly, and you're afraid you can’t stand yet. He lifts his fingers to his lips, licking them teasingly as your lungs work for air.

“You’re so pretty when you come,” he smirks before he kisses you softly. “Can I have one more, baby?” he asks, pulling you onto your weak feet. You nod at him and he rewards you with a grin. You follow him to the leather couch where he lays back and guides you onto him. You sink down on his thickness slowly, feeling yourself stretch to take all of him. His hands grip your hips as he bites his lip, and the sight of him alone, staring at you with utter lust, proves you right. You aren’t regretting this tonight.

You begin bouncing on him lazily and a low groan leaves his throat, motivating you to move your hips in a figure eight. That only pulls a loud moan from him and encourages you to do it again. You smile at him as he watches you with hooded eyes, and his hands guide you to move quicker. You trail your fingers against his chest and abs, watching his lips tug into a smirk. Giving in, you angle your body forward and you use you hands to steady yourself against his chest to ride him faster. Grinding your clit against his pubic bone causes your core to tighten for the third time that night, and one of his hands grips, and then slaps your ass. You let out a surprised whimper, and he beams up at you.

His moans get louder as you continue to ride him quicker and harder, and you know he's close. His hands grip your thighs, moving you even faster. Angling you just where he wants you, you feel your third orgasm getting closer.

He quickly sits forward, wrapping an arm around your waist, as he holds you against him. “Come for me,” he whispers in your ear as he pulls your hips down and grinds you onto him. Your arms wrap around his neck and your nails dig into his back as your third orgasm crashes over you.

Arching your chest into his you let out a breathy "Oh fuck," and he keeps you grinding against him until your waves of pleasure slow and you come back down. He kisses you hungrily as he pulls you both back on the couch and angles your hips up.

Thrusting into you recklessly, he lets out a series of moans that blends with your oversensitive whimpers. You hold his jaw in your hand as his lips fall apart in an expression of pure ecstasy. Another deep and sharp thrust into you and you feel him twitch and release as he lets out a low groan. He stays in you for another moment, holding you against him before he kisses you gently, letting his hands caress your sides.

When he finally pulls out of you, he lets out a deep sigh. “Well that was fucking amazing,” he says quietly against your hair.

“It was,” you agree as you roll off him.

“Where ya going?” he asks as you manage to stand up.

“Just gonna clean up in the bathroom,” you assure him as you begin to pick up your dress.

“You can wear my shirt,” Chris offers as he sits up. You bite your lip and glance at him hesitantly. He gives you a nod, and you reach down for it and your underwear. Once you're dressed enough to walk down the hall, he calls to you, “Hurry back alright? I’m a cuddler.” You smile and slip out of the room.

You reach the door of the English department before you let out a giggle. You really did that. And Chris even wanted you to stay to cuddle. You lean against the doorway and try to control your excitement. Yet, as you reign your bliss in, a sense of dread settles in your bones. That dread roots itself in you. And it wasn’t leaving anytime soon.

Tags: @irishdancr24​ @lostboyinneverland​ @suz-123​ @sanjariti​ @funlizzie02​ @void-imaginations​ @cryingovershipsthatneversailed​ @breezykpop​ @jcc04220​ @nys30 @jonsnowisnotdeadthough​ @guera31​ @wildwiccankitty @thelondondreamer5​ @patzammit​ @thefridgeismybestie​ @ssweet-empowerment​

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[tiredoftonkies-blog]

Not to derail the actual topic from Stank, but since Bucky was brought up, I noticed their problematic stans (as I call them unless they have a catchy name) tend to want to see Steve dead and shove Sam aside so they'd have Bucky!Cap. They talk sh!t about Chris and Mackie too. I'm a Steve stan and I know there are other stans who are problematic. It's the problematic ones I tend to be critical of because they're obviously causing problems. Every fandom has their bad apples.

ah man i don’t mind at all, i’ll tag it with anti bucky stans so people can blacklist if they want. i’ve talked a bit about how i dislike vision when i remember he exists and, like i said, venting about tony standom has helped me let go of some of my frustration, so i’m not at all opposed to talking about this a bit, i mean, i doubt it’ll take over the blog somehow lol

i’ve seen that too, it’s really fucking annoying. like i get wanting bucky!cap and in general more screentime for bucky since he’s very underwritten, but wow the way they’re like calling for steve’s death is ?? usually they also claim to love steve, uhh, ok, you love him so much you want him to die just so bucky can have the shield and more angst, that’s..  um. and GOD the way they gloss over sam? i would be 1000% more interested in sam!cap and i feel like it’d be more natural than bucky!cap but tbh i’m significantly more invested in sam so i’m biased at best lol

plus there’s a decent amount of ‘wah steve is toxic because he doesn’t coddle bucky and also definitely for sure only wants the old bucky back because he brought up their past while trying to connect with him and all of this overrides the fact that he was pretty much the one person in the world who believed in bucky’ like ok if u say so..

or people just ignore sam and dismiss his importance to steve because they like the idea that only bucky matters to him (like basically they “”love””” steve for his bucky feels.) i want to personally fight everyone with this belief

like thankfully cacw and the frienemy relationship between bucky and sam made people tone things down a bit from what i understand (i only really got into the fandom just before cw was released so i’m not totally sure what all went on), because they at least could no longer just treat sam as ‘therapist with no other purpose’ or whatever, but man

every fandom for sure has its bad apples and i’m sure everyone holds people who stan their faves to different standards than people who stan other characters, even if it’s subconscious at times. fandom is An Experience for sure