#i feel like i’m not enjoying whatever time i have left with my grampa (he’s 93)

[segretecose]

.

[nella09archive]

Marriage. 122

Chapter 122: Emergency technique

“What you do this time, Mr. Son?”

“Wow. Great way to greet a patient, doc.”

“Sorry. At this point I’m no longer surprised you’re alive. Just surprise you’re still alive.” Oh, this is just great. I hope Chichi is enjoying herself. When I looked over to her, she looks very upset. She was even holding my hand really tightly. “Well, from your current exams, it seems that you overworked your heart again. Even after the test, since you been brought back to life, there was always a chance it could happen again. Whatever is happening to you, is almost like the heart virus. Just not as deadly.” I was just left in shock. “Don’t worry so much, for now. Unlike the heart virus, this can be taken care naturally. The problem is. It requires you to take it easy. Which from what your wife says, would be a challenge for you. Just don’t take too much at once. I also suggest you take more than one day to rest, at a time. But for now. No physical activity, like fighting, for at least another month. Come back to me them, and we’ll see what those test results say.” With that, me and Chichi left the hospital.

Thankfully, Gohan was waiting for us out front. We were going home, well, to clean our reck of a home. When we got there, I was about to help out, when Chichi handed me Pan. “Doctors orders. You have to rest. So, sit out the way, and watch Pan.” I so wanted to complain, but I didn’t. I went to a nearby tree and sat with Pan in my lap. We watched everyone clear the rubble, and I felt awful that it was all my fault. Before long I saw Chichi walking over to me, with a metal box. Wait? Isn’t that the safe Chichi keeps all important things in? Why is she bring it over here? When she was in front of me, she placed it down. My Chichi is strong, but even I think she could have asked Gohan to carry it. She then opened it, and took something orange out.

When I fully saw what it was, I couldn’t believe my eyes. “Is that?” She nodded. “So, that’s where you kept it. Are the—”

“Yes Goku.” She pulled out two small boxes. “Both sets of our wedding rings. And even.” She pulled out another box. “The flower combs you gave me.” We just couldn’t stop smiling, as we talked about all the wonderful memories we shared. Before we knew it, Gohan came over, and told us he was done cleaning up the many parts of the house. But that he needed Chichi for a quick moment, to look at something. I was then left with Pan again.

As I sat there, I wonder if there was a way I could fight, without over working myself. I didn’t want to be gone a third time. Especially since I promise I’ll definitely be here for Pan. Over the course of my whole life, all my training, my body was my main weapon. I did use ki attacks, and even learned to use my ki with my body. But what if there’s another way? I then looked at Goten, as he helped Videl collect items. My son is already trying to figure out how to use his ki as his main weapon. My boy is not only smart, but creative.

Wait a minute. I looked down to Pan. My sons, and even this one, could easily out beat me one day. And I’ll gladly accept that. But they won’t beat me in strength, but definitely in brains. I’m so stuck on the old ways, while they think of how to do things differently. Ha. Another thing me and Chichi have in common. I couldn’t help smile at that. We’re both very traditional, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. But I’m going have to change that. Especially if I want to see my granddaughter grow up. “Isn’t that right Pan? You want grandpa to always be there.”

She smiled at me, and clapped her hands. “Grampa. Grampa.” And she started giggling. She’s so cute when she laughs. Pretty soon, Chichi and Gohan came back, and said that they were done for the day. And how we’ll start making plans for the new home tomorrow. With that said, we went back to Gohan’s house. When we got there, Chichi sent me straight to the room.

When I did, I just couldn’t stop thinking about my situation. I feel so useless, and I can’t do anything about it. And when I do get better, I have to be extra careful not to trigger it again. I would have to give up on protecting my family, if this happens again. I can’t let that happen. I need to be here for not only Chichi, but the boys, and Pan. I would risk my life to protect them all. I’ve done it twice. But that caused more pain than anything. I know they understand my reasons, but that doesn’t erase the pain. I need to develop a technique that guarantee I’ll walk away from the battlefield, alive.

That’s when it hit me. Isn’t Goten trying to become more flexible with his ki. Maybe I could learn something from him. If not, we could learn something together. Now this is rich. I try to teach my boys everything I know, and they’re the ones who also teaches me. It actually makes me very proud. My boys not only smart, they figure things I never could never imagine on my own.

I laid on the bed, super happy. Just then, the door opens and Pan is followed by a smiling Goten. I sit up, and asked what bring them here. Pan just rushes into my arms, and wow. When she crashed into my chest, it was very powerful. Before Goten could say anything, came in an worn out Gohan. What happened? “Dad, are you ok?” I told him I was fine. “Good. Because Pan is—” I felt a hard kick, and I let go of Pan. Ow. Where is that strength come from? “Pan!” Gohan quickly grabbed Pan. “Dad, are you ok?”

“Wow. Where she learns to kick so hard?”

“I don’t know. Mr. Satan does watch his movies around her a lot. And maybe we rough play with her also.”

“Keep it up.” I ruffled Pan’s head, until she grabbed my hand, and tightly hold my thumb. “WO! Pan, let go of grandpa, please.” She just giggled, and kept playing with my hand. Gohan was then trying to get my hand out, but I told him to stop. “Pan.” She stop giggling, and looked at me. She’s so cute. “Let go.” She finally did, and Gohan started apologizing. “Don’t.” I took Pan back. Gohan was about to say something, but I told him it was alright. But he didn’t leave the room.

The boys stood in the room, while I played with Pan. It even ended up with them trying to get her to follow them. It was fun to watch Goten try to get her to punch his hand, but she kicked instead. It was so much fun spending time with them. When they sense Chichi was about to enter, they quickly sat on the bed, and act like we were just talking. That wasn’t nice, but I understand why. Chichi came to tell us it was dinner time, and the boys didn’t move. “All of you, I said it’s time to eat.” She was mad, and we all started moving.

…

Why didn’t the boys want to get food, when I said it was dinner time? When they finally moved, they seem scared. Of course, they are upsetting me. But I’m also very worried. During dinner everyone had smiles, even Goku was eating more. That must be a good sign. After dinner, he tried to help but I stopped him. With that the boys and Pan went to go play. I hope they’re not adding stress to Goku. Then again, he’s probably enjoying spending time with them.

For the rest of the month, Goku shows a lot of improvements in health. We even got a new home, that was similar to our old one. It did upset me that Gohan paid for it. Also, during the month, Gohan left Pan with us often. Sometimes even stay for dinner. Something was up, and I’m going to find out what. One Saturday, I follow the boys, only to find them playing in yard. Well, more like the boys chasing a flying Pan all over the place. They seem to be having a lot of fun. I should get started on lunch. Maybe even make an apple pie. The boys would love that.

…

Ever since that day, dad wanted us to spend more time together. I couldn’t blame him. We been all busy with our own lives. But something about this was different. I still trained with Piccolo, and even have improve greatly. But when I go pick up Pan, she seems different from how I left her. Almost stronger. How? Dad isn’t training her? She’s not old enough to even say what she wants to do. She also seems to be gaining some weight. Is mom over feeding her? Goten does say mom and dad would give her extra food. Even how dad and mom been given Pan sweets. Pan doesn’t even have teeth. What are they doing with my baby girl?

Today I canceled on Piccolo, just so I could see what my parents been doing with my daughter. Everything seems find. We were playing, till Pan started flying away. I started to worry, till dad started to count to 5. So, this happened often, and they made it a game? And mom didn’t put a stop of this? Now this fun. Oh, we can’t fly or actually go at full speed. This made this even more fun. Almost like trying to out smart a baby.

When it was lunch time, I finally saw what Goten been saying. I tried to tell mom and dad that they’re giving her too much. “Nonsense.” This was nice. Then mom brought out a fresh apple pie. I haven’t had one of those it like forever. The first piece went to Pan. Uh? Mom always gave the first piece to dad. The second piece went to dad, but he cut a piece and added it to Pan’s. So, both my parents are overfeeding Pan. My parents are something else.

It was after lunch I finally witness what dad really been doing with my daughter. He’s not even supposed to do any training or fighting, in the first place. But here he was, helping Pan copy Goten. But Pan does seem to be having fun, so I didn’t argue. And dad isn’t the one actually doing anything. Then he had Goten fly a good distance, and tell Pan to go to him and back. She did, and she was pretty fast. “Dad?”

“Sorry. I couldn’t help it.” I couldn’t really get mad at him. So, I asked what have he actually taught her. “Not much. Just more focus of her getting the movements. And having her get better at flying.” I couldn’t help smile. Then when Pan made her way back, dad pulled me down. “You caught.” Uh? When Pan landed in my arms, she actually pushed me back. Now I see what he meant. The rest of the afternoon was spent trying to not have Pan crash into things. It was super fun.

…

The month was finally over, and we were at the doctor’s office. I really hope he says I’m all good. I really want to get back to training. I also want to start learning the new technique I been thinking about. As excited as I was, I was also slightly worried. As we waited, I couldn’t stop smiling, even when I want to vomit from all the smells. I long ago felt at 100% but I been well behaved. Even when I felt fine, I knew Chichi would worry.

As we left the hospital, I couldn’t stop smiling. I even wanted to fly all the way home. But I stood grounded for a bit longer. I’ll build up to that later. For now, I’ll won’t rush things. Too many past examples to reminded me why I shouldn’t rush. Chichi did question why I was taking it easy, and even driving her home. “What’s the rush? Everything is ok. Besides, you’re the one always telling me to not rush things.” From the corner of my eye, I could see she smiled.

When we finally came home, is when Bulma called me. What she told me next, almost made me panic. I looked at Chichi, and she looked at me curious. She ask what was wrong. I try to tell her that it’s nothing. Not like our youngest son snuck off to another planet or anything. She slaps me. “What you mean not to worry! Our baby could be in trouble!” She slaps me again.

“Bulma says she already sent Vegeta. So, they should be fine.” At this point I wasn’t sure who I was trying to convince. I trust Vegeta could handle whatever the problem is and get the boys home safely. “I’m sure Vegeta will bring the boys home safely. So, calm down.”

“I won’t calm down till I know for sure they are safe. Since you got the ok, can you please sense where they are.” She started to tear up. “Please, Goku.” I held her, as I tried to sense how far the boys were. Thankfully they were in the range I could sense. So, far they seem fine, but something felt off. But I tried to keep Chichi claim, as I kept track of what was happening. That’s when I sense everyone’s panic. I told Chichi I would be right back. “Wait.” I was slightly confused till she kissed my lips. “A good luck kiss. I’ll be at Bulma’s till you get back.” I gave her a kiss and was off. Just in time too.

…

I told Trunks this was a bad idea. But does he ever listen to me? Nope. Now here we are. Not only trapped and facing this thing. Why did it have to look like uncle Vegeta? On top of that, the real Vegeta is disappear. Everything we try, it doesn’t seem to be enough. Just then, dad showed up. No time for a happy reunion. We quickly fill him in, and he end up fighting the fake Vegeta. This is not the time to talk about how the fake you doesn’t know how you would take down dad. Then we hear a crunch, and the purple Vegeta disappears, and the real Vegeta is fine again. Trunks looks so happy to have his dad back. Even dad looks happy.

But the moment we got back to earth I’m face with an angry mom. After settling everything about what happen, we made our way home. When we got home, I got yelled at by mom. Even dad was very upset at what I’ve done. But once mom finished yelling at me, she hugged me and cried. Even dad held us. I really did worried mom and dad. Dad even stated I can’t leave earth unless he personally takes me, or Gohan. Dad must have been very worried. I’ll try not to worry them again.

I need to get stronger. I need to be able to better protect myself. I can’t have mom and dad worrying about me. For the next couple of days, if I didn’t go to school, I had to go to the field with dad. I was, in a way, on punishment. While dad work on the field, I was allowed to roam around. Even train a bit, which dad helped me. When the field was done, dad even joined me.

For some reason, he was asking about what I been working on. I told him how I was still trying to focus my ki to where it didn’t affect me physically. Dad then tried it with me. Even going as far as asking how I’ve figured out I could do it. For once, I was teaching someone else. On top of that, it was dad. It made me happy. We then worked on it together. It was so much fun.

We even learn to boomerang our ki. Like we didn’t have to pull it. It came back on its own. That was super hard. Then dad was trying to use his own ki to slow me down, whenever we sparred. That was cool. It didn’t always work, and not for every long. But it was still something. When I tried to do it, to our surprised I was actually able to hold dad off for a good while. That made dad very proud of me.

Something feels weird. Even though dad is here and all, it feels like the climate had changed. It’s almost my birthday, and it’s not even cold. Then again, sometimes it doesn’t get cold at all. If I want to really see snow, I have to go to a different part of the world. Sometimes I even forget about that, since the years goes by fast during the school year.

As my birthday neared, I was feeling nervous. This year mom and dad said they wanted to do something special. I wonder what that was. The closer we go to my birthday, the more nervous I was. My birthday was now 2 days away, and I wonder what will happen. Mom and dad haven’t shown any signs that they planned something special. But I did notice that Gohan did stop by a lot, even Bulma. Maybe they know something. It was the night before my birthday, and I couldn’t sleep. I tried meditating; it didn’t work. I tried doing a couple of sets of push-ups, and still couldn’t sleep. I even went as far as to read a full book. I was surprise that didn’t work. I looked at the clock and it was only 1am. Maybe if I hugged my blankie, that I made sure to hide away, I’ll fall asleep. I was so happy that it did.

The next morning, it seem like a usual day. Mom making breakfast. Dad sitting on a chair, watching mom. The table actually was looking more full than usual. When I finally got to the table, I didn’t get a chance to say anything. Mom had already served me breakfast. “Good morning mom. Good morning dad.” They said good morning to me, and I dug into my food. After breakfast, it was my usual routine of after breakfast exercise with dad. But why did something feel off? Once we were done, mom said we had to go clean up. And how she also set clothes for us.

After I cleaned up, I was actually surprised to see what clothes mom set out. It was the outfit I chose, when me and mom went shopping. Or so I thing so. It actually seems like a different set. Either way I was very happy to wear some causal clothes. When I stepped out my room, I saw that my parents were also wearing causal. Mom only makes us dress like this if it’s a party or something. I wonder what my parents had planned. I’m also very surprised that dad driving us. Not like he never drove me anywhere before, just that everything feels weird.

Dad drove us all the way to the city, where we met up with Gohan. From there, we ended up at a fast food place. What’s going on? Mom hates it when we eat only junk food. If we do, we have to have something healthy after. But when is mom being so calm about everything? Dad isn’t trying to start fights, mom isn’t getting mad, Gohan is super cheery. Somehow it feels off from our usual normal. Dad is even on his best behavior. What are we? Some normal… Is that it? Somehow that actually was a nice thought. If that’s it, then I’ll enjoy every moment. After the fast food place, mom asked if I wanted to go to the movies. She even asked what other things I wanted to do today.

We ended up going to the movies, and watching the movie I was so excited for. Dad didn’t even fall asleep. This birthday feels so special, yet it wouldn’t be considered special by a normal person. Then when we got home, I was very surprised that there was a party waiting for me. Today was just amazing. No fights, mom and dad acting like any other parents. Plus, it just felt amazing. Whatever happens tomorrow is going to be funny.

The next day was interesting, not funny, but interesting. Dad actually went back to training with Whis and Vegeta. Mom didn’t even get angry, or looked surprised. She just told him to be careful. He did give mom this weird smile, but I’ll act like I didn’t see anything. Once dad left, it was just me and mom. Mom even asked if I wanted to go shopping with her. Something about changing my whole wardrobe. “In with the new and out with the old.” That part I was actually confused about, but it’s ok.

----------------

Ch121

[suitofvibraniumarmor]

If You Just Realize [Finale]

Part Fifteen: Watching Over Us

Summary: Irina’s letter bodes well for Sebastian and his growing family.  Pairing: Sebastian Stan x Reader Word Count: 1945 Series Warnings: Death, angst, sadness. Lots of creative licensing, I’m sure. Chapter Warnings: Post-death grief/feels, custody issues, pregnancy.  Square Filled: This entire series will fill my realized feelings square for @marvelfluffbingo​​. A/N: I’ve much enjoyed writing this series, and I hope all of you enjoy reading it! The tag list is open; requests to be added can be done so here. There are bits and pieces of Romanian throughout the series, mostly from Google Translate and the few things I’ve picked up as I learn the language.

Also, I don’t know why I’ve never mentioned it before, but a huge song inspiration for the title of this fic (and some chapter titles) is Realize by Colbie Caillat.

Thank you so much to everyone who read, reblogged, replied, allofthethings, for this fic! I’m very proud of it and have loved writing and sharing this story with you. Your support means the world! Keep your eyes open for a new series announcement coming Sunday! ;) 

Series Masterlist

Y/N — 

Well, here’s a letter I never dreamed of writing. Having Milena, though, it’s changed everything. I look at my previous little girl and I want to give her the world. I’ve brought her into a scary world, and without a father to boot. I know, though, that she will have no shortage of family, love, and opportunities. 

Thank God for my brother. Sebastian is a good man. I’m a better person for being his little sister. Being a mama on my own seems so much more possible with my family, especially him. I know that my baby girl will always have that father-figure in her life with him around. Can you just imagine him walking her down the aisle one day? She’s such a tiny thing now, but I can picture it perfectly in my head. 

Part of protecting my daughter is making sure she is taken care of in the event that something happens to me. No shortage of family and love means there will be no shortage of people taking care of her, but I want it to be Sebastian. He’s going to think I’m crazy. My parents might not even understand. But I know, with every fiber of my being, that he is the best option to raise her if I’m not around. I can’t explain it beyond that — I just know. He will get her through my absence, get her through the toughest times in life. He will give her all of the love in the world. 

Which is why I’m writing you. I’m honestly not sure who will have a harder time if something happens to me, Milena or Seb. You’re his best friend, and I can only pray that the two of you maintain that friendship — not for the benefit of this potential situation, but for his sake and yours. I can tell you now that I secretly hope the two of you will see the love you have for each other and let that come to fruition. Either way, Y/N, you have to be the one to guide him through all of this. He will be grieving, may not know the ins and outs of parenting, especially of parenting a little girl … have to admit, I’m laughing to myself thinking about him trying to do her hair or pick out outfits for her. He’ll figure it out, on his own or not, but I know the best choice for my brother, in so many ways, is you. 

I’m having all of the legal documents sent to you, as well. You’ll be in a better place to handle all of this and make sense of it to Sebastian. He’ll handle my parents, but only if he’s in a good place. Help him find that good place. Please. 

Whatever happens with the two of you … take care of each other. Take care of my little girl. Take care of Mom and Dad. I’ll be watching out for you. 

— Irina

Philip set the letter to the side. Y/N had read it aloud to Sebastian when she first opened it, and they had read it countless times together, but hearing Philip read it aloud with all four of the grandparents present made the emotion new and raw. Even Tim and Anthony were brought to tears by the words. After a box of tissues was passed around, Philip continued. 

“The legal documents sent have all been endorsed — they’re legitimate. I spoke with the lawyer Irina had draw everything up and put in charge of sending the letter and the papers out. News of her death didn’t reach him quite the way it was supposed to, which delayed everything being mailed, and then they sat in Los Angeles for a while, of course. She’s included copies of everything we need: Conor’s rights being signed away, copies of the emails they exchanged leading up to that, a last will and testament appointing complete guardianship to both Sebastian and Y/N. I know we want to avoid a hearing, so I’ll present these to the court, and we’ll go from there. I don’t see, though, with all of this, how anyone could give Conor any part in custody of Milena, including visitations.”

Alice sniffled. “We have told Conor that we won’t take part in his case. We love our son, but he has to face the consequences of his initial decision.”

Sebastian nodded his gratitude. “We’d like to make sure all of the grandparents are included on visitations in the final papers, but Y/N and I want to adopt her. We want to make her officially ours.”

“And everyone is in support of that?” Philip asked. 

All four grandparents nodded their agreement, with enthusiasm and without hesitation. Philip explained the process going forward, promised to do his best to keep it out of the courtroom, and sent them on their way. 

The remaining days that Milena was with Conor, Y/N and Sebastian worked to put the final details of her birthday party together. They visited the breeder and put a deposit on a puppy they could pick up on Milena’s birthday to surprise her with at her party. Y/N washed her bedding and found a couple more things to decorate with, and Sebastian worked on putting together the swings they had invested in but hadn’t gotten to setting up yet. 

After that, there was nothing left to do but wait. With thirty-six hours to go, they decided it was okay to go out for a date night. They hadn’t been able to since they had opened up about their feelings and decided to make a real go of things, so they took the opportunity and went to dinner and a movie. 

“I had a good time tonight,” Y/N said, leaning on his shoulder while they waited for the movie to start. 

Sebastian smiled and kissed her forehead. “We’re only halfway through the evening, Bright Eyes.”

She shrugged. “I know, but I’m with you. That’s all I need.”

“Me too,” he agreed, hooking a finger under her chin to bring her lips to his as the lights in the theater began to dim. 

By the time Milena’s birthday came around, life had fallen into a pleasant routine. The adoption wouldn’t be final for a couple of months, but that was more to do with court timelines than anything; one week with a little girl processing her mother’s death and a lot of other changes in a short time had been enough for Conor to know that parenting was not something he could handle. He dropped his end of the custody battle a couple of days later, allowing the family to move forward with their lives unhindered. 

Milena’s night terrors continued, but were becoming less and less frequent. She was still seeing the psychologist once a week, and that seemed to be helping. She had even had an overnight with Georgeta and Anthony without any mishaps. 

Sebastian left around lunchtime to go pick up Milena’s puppy, leaving the girls home to put the finishing touches on party decorations and make sure everything else was in order. Milena was in her birthday outfit, her hair was secured in a cute, curly ponytail, and she was jumping around like she’d already eaten an entire pan of cupcakes. 

“Is it time yet, tanti?” she asked Y/N for the millionth time that day. [Tanti = Auntie]

Y/N chuckled and scooped Milena up in her arms. “Not yet, princess. Very soon, though.”

Milena groaned. “Can I call Gramma Alice and Bunica and ask when they’re coming?”

“You can call Gramma and Grampa,” Y/N offered, dialing the number and putting it on speaker before handing the phone to the now-three-year-old. 

Thirty minutes later, all of the grandparents had arrived. They grinned at the little girl dancing around and showing them everything that was set up for the party. While Milena was kept busy, Y/N checked her watch and realized Sebastian should have been back by now. Frowning, she found her phone and stepped outside to call him. 

“I’m just pulling up to the house, babe,” he answered. 

She looked up and spotted him, so she smiled and waved. She waited there, anxious to get her hands on that puppy. 

“Two puppies?” she exclaimed when Sebastian approached with a puppy in each hand. He carefully handed her a black and tan one, its little tail wagging faster than a hummingbird’s wings.

Sebastian kissed her hello, then stepped back. “I saw how you were eyeing that one when we put the down payment on Milena’s puppy. No reason both of my girls shouldn’t have a puppy.” 

Y/N held the little creature close, tears welling in her eyes. “She’s so precious!”

“Why are you crying?” Sebastian chuckled, pulling her to his chest and kissing her again. “I didn’t know you’d be this excited!”

“I am excited,” she sniffled, “but it could also be the baby.”

Sebastian nodded, then his eyes went wide. “Baby?”

Y/N giggled through her tears. “I was gonna wait to tell you — found out at my doctor’s appointment the other day. I wasn’t expecting it at all, since it was just a yearly check-up, but since you and I haven’t been preventing anything, they wanted a test and it came back positive. I was going to wait to get through the party before I told you …”

Sebastian set down the puppy that was in his arms and grabbed up his wife, tears flooding his own eyes now. “I can’t believe this — I can’t … I can’t form words.”

Y/N grinned and wrapped her free arm around his neck. “You don’t think it’s too soon?”

He shook his head, taking her face in his hands. “From the moment I realized how long I’ve been in love with you, I knew we had a lot of time to make up for. I’d say we’re right on track.”

“Me too,” she grinned. “Let’s not tell everyone yet though, okay? One shock at a time.”

Sebastian nodded his agreement and looked around for the puppy he had set down. He was just corralling the little thing when Milena came out to the porch and saw what her Uncle Seb had brought home. 

“Puppies!” she squealed clapping her hands and running toward Sebastian. “Can we keep them?”

“This one is yours,” Sebastian told her, handing the puppy over and guiding her on how to hold it safely. “Happy birthday, munchkin!”

“Thank you!” Milena said before peppering the puppy with kisses and then asking if she could go inside and show her grandparents. 

Y/N opened the door with her free hand. “Let’s go!”

Sebastian took the door from her, allowing both girls to go in and show off their new pets. He stood back and let them have their moment. Watching his parents, his wife, his niece, and Alice and Tim, Sebastian felt a moment of sadness. His sister should have been here for all of this. He would always miss her, but the pain of it was still too fresh. 

Seeing that Sebastian’s smile had fallen some, Y/N stepped in front of him and wrapped her arms around his middle. He hugged her back. 

“She’s watching over us,” Y/N reminded him. “She said so herself.”

He leaned to kiss her. He knew that Y/N was right — after all, he was married to his best friend, would be able to raise his niece the way his sister would have wanted, and had a baby on the way. Without his sister watching over them, he wasn’t so sure all of this wouldn’t have passed him by. 

“She did,” Sebastian grinned, “and I’d say today is perfect proof of that.” 

AllOfTheThings: @captain-s-rogers​ @star-spangled-man-with-a-plan​ @letsgetfuckingsuperwholocked​ @hurricanerin​ @horsesandbandsforlife​ @im-not-an-armrest-im-short​ @shynara51​ @sea040561​ @pinknerdpanda​ @xtina2191​ @jackryanplz​ @beakami​ @heartsaved​ @fullprunerebelstatesman​ @blackwidowismyhomegirl​ @averyrogers83​ @jennmurawski13​ @connie326​ @auriandthepussicats​

IYJR: @elsatxx​ @tanelle83​ @amanda-teaches​ @etherealwaifgoddess​ @kmuir1​ @ntlmundy​ @jayankles​ @rebekahdawkins​ @denise1605​ @rhadigen​ @peace-love-hobbitness​ @itsallyscorner​ @mizzzpink​ @auspiciousharriet​ @the-murder-strut-murdered-me​ @learisa​ @tellmewhatyouwill​ @katherinereid​ @lokilokilokilokilokiloki​ @itsmycorneroftheinternet​ @andreagf956​ @voltage-my2dlove​

[atc74]

Soul to Souls - Nineteen

Warnings: Pregnancy, labor, lots of language, fluff

Summary: Since she was four years old, Annaleigh has seen the same boy in her dreams. For twenty-five years, she grows to love the boy that has now turned into a man. Dean Winchester just lost the only family he has ever known. The guilt drives him to work harder than ever before. He works to forget the pain, until he meets Annaleigh and she turns his world upside down. What she learns changes both of their lives forever, but what will he do when he discovers the truth? Will he accept it or run back to the only life he has ever known?

Pairing: Dean x OC Annaleigh

Word Count: 2259

Beta’d by: @amanda-teaches​, @katehuntington​, thank you both for being my guides! Dividers and cover art by the amazingly talented @talesmaniac89​.

A/N: This was my very first series I ever wrote four years ago in September 2016 and I am so happy and proud to bring this back home. Thank you to everyone that is enjoying the story so far. You’re probably going to get a couple chapters a week, trying to wrap this up before the new series starts.

Only one chapter left! 😢

Like Dean’s scent? Buy it here from @scentsfromthebunker!

Soul to Souls Master List

Previously...

Only a few days from her due date, Annaleigh sat quietly in the nursery one night, sleep eluding her as she was not able to get comfortable much anymore. Her eyes were closed, and she absentmindedly rubbed her swollen belly, thinking about how happy she was with their life and how much things had changed over the last five and a half years, how much they had lost and how much they had gained. She didn’t even open her eyes when she heard the fluttering of wings in the room.

“Hi Cas,” she said quietly.

“Hey, girl.” The gruff voice had her bolting upright, her eyes flying open. 

“Bobby?” her words were barely a whisper, as she couldn't quite believe what she was seeing.

Now...

“Yeah, Kid, it’s me. The powers that be finally decided I could show myself to you. It’s been hard being here with the kids most nights and not being able to talk to you. I know Dean is treatin’ ya right though; I can feel it in him. That boy loves you.”

“Dean!” Annaleigh wanted her husband to be here with her, with Bobby. Anna heard him call out to her, and she laughed as he turned the corner too fast in his socked feet, slipping as he entered the nursery.

“Red! Are you okay? What’s wrong?” She heard the fear in his voice as he reached her side. 

Panic had rushed through him when he heard Annaleigh yell for him and she wasn’t in their bed. They only had days to go until the newest Winchester arrived and Dean was nervous she would go into labor any minute. 

Standing before him was Bobby, stopping Dean dead in his tracks.

“Bobby?” He couldn’t really believe it was him.

“Yeah, it’s me, Son.” Dean embraced Bobby with all his might; he was so happy to see him.

“God, I missed you, old man,” Dean whispered over Bobby’s shoulder.

Bobby looked around the nursery casually. “I love what you’ve done with the place. I think she is going to love it.” 

“Thanks, Bobby. Sam and I have been working on - wait, what?” Dean stuttered. “Did you say ‘she’?”

“Oops, I don’t think I was supposed to tell. One of the perks of being an angel, I guess,” Bobby replied sheepishly.

“It’s a girl?” Anna asked, getting up from the rocker and slowly walking over to Bobby. “Are you sure?” 

Bobby reached out and placed his hands over Anna’s stomach, a pale blue glow emanating from his palms. “Yeah, Annaleigh, I’m sure, and she is as beautiful as her Mama.” A single tear rolled down his face and disappeared into his unruly beard.

Dean watched as Bobby embraced his wife before he joined, wrapping his arms around both of them, really feeling like their family was complete. Even if Bobby couldn’t be here physically with them, they knew he was always here.

Despite her due date coming and going, Dr. Sullivan had assured Anna and Dean that their baby and Annaleigh were perfectly healthy and, as long as that didn’t change, she didn’t want to risk inducing labor and causing undue stress on both mother and baby. Cas dropped by every few days and confirmed the doctor’s decision. Number three was just not ready to make her debut just yet - the Winchesters liked to make a dramatic entrance. Robby and Millie certainly had, arriving almost a month early.

Dean’s birthday was coming, and the birthday tradition for her husband meant pie, not cake. With the kids at preschool and Dean at his brother’s, Anna took advantage of the quiet and spent the morning making a pecan and an apple pie for him, since those were his favorite. She had invited Sam, and of course Jody over for his birthday dinner the next night, along with Bobby and Cas, if they could manage. 

Exhaustion calling her as she yawned widely, Anna laid down on the couch for a little snooze, texting Dean first. 

Before she knew it, Dean was waking her gently from her cocoon on the couch. The kids were already washed and seated at the table, waiting patiently for supper. Dean helped her to her feet, and she shuffled off to the bathroom before her bladder exploded.

Dean was serving dinner when she returned to the dining room, and she gladly accepted his offer to make her plate and pour the milk. He has been taking such good care of her, a girl could get used to it. Robby and Millie led a short Grace before they ate.

“Thank you Lord for this food and for Mama and Daddy,” Robby started.

“Thank you for the snow and for Grampa. But, God, if you are listening, could you please bring my baby sister?” Millie ended the Grace with Amen, and Dean and Anna both chuckled a little. 

“Millie, I am excited for her to get here too, but sometimes babies don’t come when they are supposed to. You and your brother didn’t,” Anna offered.

“I know, Mama, but I’m just really excited to meet her and give her a real name besides ‘baby sister’,” Millie confessed to her parents. 

Once dinner was over, Dean cleared the dishes and put away the leftovers. It was nearing bathtime for both kids, and Anna slowly made her way towards the stairs when she felt the warmth trickle down her legs.

“Dean!” she called from the base of the stairs, holding onto the banister for support.

“Yeah, Red?” Dean answered as he rounded the corner from the kitchen. He saw Anna clutching the banister with a puddle at her feet. 

“Dean, my water just broke,” Anna grimaced, trying to stay upright as the first contraction hit her. 

“I know, Red. I can see it.” He helped her sit down on the stairs. “Stay right here. I’ll be right back with a change of clothes for you. I’m gonna call Jody to come stay with the twins.” He raced up the stairs, yelling for the kids and reaching for his phone. 

“Jody, it’s Dean. Yeah, it’s time. Can you come stay with Robby and Millie?...Yeah, I’ll have Sam stay until you can get here...I’m sure he wouldn’t mind sticking around and helping...Thank you so much.” Dean placed the next call to Sam. 

“Sammy, it’s time. Jody’s coming, but we need you right now,” Dean panted as he rushed from room to room. “Yes, Sam...I’m sure she wouldn’t mind if you stuck around...now can we worry about your love life when my wife isn’t in labor?...’Kay, thanks, Sammy.”

Robby and Millie ran into their bedroom, holding hands. “Daddy?” they said in unison, watching him scramble around the room looking for clothes for his wife.

“Uncle Sam is going to come stay with you until Jody gets here. I’m going to take Mommy to the hospital. I think your baby sister is finally going to come tonight,” Dean said excitedly to the children.

“YAY! Baby Sister! Baby Sister!” They screamed in unison, jumping up and down.

Dean ran back down the stairs to find his wife still sitting there, breathing and counting. Easing her to her feet and into the small bathroom off the kitchen, Dean gingerly held her while helping her slip off her soaking wet pants and underwear, then pulling on clean bottoms. “How far apart, Red?”

“Best guess is four to five minutes, I don’t really know,” Annaleigh breathed out.

Sam was waiting for them when they emerged, a child in each arm. “Don’t worry, guys, I got this. Go have my niece! Call me with updates.” 

Dean grabbed the two bags that had been packed by the front door for a month, running them out to the car, then went back for Anna, helping her slowly down the porch steps and into the car. Once they were both secured, he backed out of the driveway and sped off towards the hospital. 

Dean was grateful for the cakewalk this pregnancy had been, for Anna’s sake. Even almost two weeks overdue, it had been much easier on her than the first. Dean was also ecstatic to have another baby with this extraordinary woman. About fifteen minutes later, he pulled up in front of the hospital’s emergency entrance. He jumped out quickly, grabbing a wheelchair and helped Annaleigh into it, pushing her through the double doors. 

After they were checked in, a nurse came to get her and gave Dean her room number. She let him know they were going to get her settled. He knew she was in capable hands, but he reluctantly left her side to park the car. Immediately upon returning to the maternity ward, he could hear his wife screaming his name and swearing. He wasn’t sure he deserved it; it wasn’t entirely his fault, but he would gladly take whatever she dished out. Dean entered the room, and a nurse threw him a set of scrubs. He quickly changed into the scrubs and rushed to his wife’s side. She grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him down to her, her face flushed, sweat already beading on her porcelain skin. 

“You did this to me! You fucker! I hate you!” Anna bellowed at him and he let her, taking it like a good husband should when their wife is pushing the next generation into the world.

“Ok, Annaleigh, all done with that one. Take some deep breaths and the doctor will be right in to check on you,” the nurse spoke calmly and Anna stopped yelling.

Reaching up, she cupped Dean’s stubbled cheek, and he leaned into her touch, closing his eyes, relishing in the calm her touch provided, even when she was the one doing all the work. “I love you, Dean. I am so happy we are having another baby. Thank you for giving me a family.” 

“I love you too, Red. We wouldn’t have this family if it wasn’t for you. You are strong and brave. You are my rock. You are the best mama ever and we are lucky to have you.” He placed small kisses over her head and forehead, trailing down to her mouth. She kissed him with a passion and energy he didn’t think she could muster during labor, but he had learned long ago never to underestimate her, ever. 

They were interrupted by a throat being cleared as the doctor entered the room. “Hi Annaleigh, how are you doing?” Doctor Sullivan inquired, coming around the foot of the bed. “Let’s take a look at your progress. The nurse says your contractions are pretty strong, so let’s see how far along you are.” The doctor lifted up the sheet and did a quick exam before she removed her gloves and turned to them. 

“Okay, mom, you are dilated to six centimeters and are moving along well. This baby should be making an appearance in just a few hours. I’ll have one of the nurses come check on you in a bit.” With that, she was gone. 

“Dean, did you hear that? There is a good chance she’ll be born on your birthday.” Anna looked up at him with those beautiful blue eyes, glistening with tears. 

“Red, I couldn’t ask for a better birthday present,” Dean leaned down and kissed her again. 

The next couple of hours went by quickly, nurses checking in every few minutes during contractions until, finally, it was time. The doctor came into the room and told Anna to start pushing, which she did like a champ. Their daughter arrived kicking and screaming in less than ten minutes, weighing seven pounds, fourteen ounces and just over twenty inches long.

Doctor Sullivan looked at the clock, officially announcing the time of birth as 1:07am, January the 24th. They had a birthday baby, and Dean couldn’t hide his smile or tears. He turned to his wife, kissing her full on the mouth. “Red, I am so proud of you. Thank you so much for this gift.” 

A nurse handed Dean a pink bundle, and he looked down at her with so much love in his heart, kissing her little head before passing her to his wife. “She is so beautiful, Red.” 

“We never talked about it, so what are we going to name her, Dean?” Anna and Dean exchanged options quietly, sneaking glances down at their new daughter, finally landing on the one they both loved. 

No one else would have noticed over the hustle and bustle in the room, but if you knew what you were listening for, you could hear it. They both glanced up to see Bobby standing silently in the corner, waiting for everyone to clear out so he could be alone with his family and meet his new granddaughter. Once the delivery staff left the family alone, he made his way over the edge of the bed. 

“Hey pretty girl,” he cooed over the new baby, just like he had with the twins.

“Bobby, meet your granddaughter, Samantha Karen Winchester, but you can call her Sammie,” Anna declared, watching the old man cry for only the fourth time in her life. 

“She’s gonna be tickled pink when I tell her,” Bobby sniffed as he cradled the newborn in his arms. His wet eyes flicked up to meet Dean’s. “Thank you.” 

“No thanks necessary, Bobby. We couldn’t think of any better way to honor her memory than to name this little one after her,” Dean expressed. “She would have been a wonderful grandma.” 

“Yeah, she woulda,” the old man sniffed, letting his emotions take over. 

Bobby stayed at the hospital for a little longer, until Anna was too tired to keep her eyes open. She tried to deny it, but he knew better. He left the hospital to check in on the rest of his family. The twins were sleeping soundly, holding hands as usual. Bobby slowly made his way down the stairs, knowing it would be faster to fly, but not wanting the flutter of his wings to wake Sam. He didn’t expect to find him curled up on the sofa with Jody in a cocoon of blankets to ward against the chilly winter night. He found himself smiling, proud of the boys he had raised and the men they had become.

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Soul to Souls tags: @emoryhemsworth​ @flamencodiva​ @iwantthedean​ @jensengirl83​ @deanwanddamons​ @smol-and-grumpy​ @kbl1313​ @waywardbeanie​ @whatareyousearchingfordean​ @princessmisery666​ @shy-violet-soul​ @lastcallatrockysbar​ @winchesterxfamilybusiness​ @fangirlxwritesx67​ @squirrelnotsam​ @michellethetvaddict​ @magssteenkamp​ @wonder-cole​

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #376

“when the wind bends the branch to softly touch me  /  when the band plays your song  /  i feel strong enough to keep dreaming”

If your s/o smoked pot/did drugs would you care? Yes, but for pot that's only because it's illegal here. I also find smoking to be a turn-off, but I'd be able to look past that if it was for actual health reasons. Do people ever call you by your last name? No. Has the last person you dated/fell in love with ever seen you cry? Yes. Where are you going on your next vacation (or where do you WANT to go)? I've got none planned, nor do I know where I'd want to prioritize. Like there's South Africa, but I first need to get healthier before I could handle the heat and trudging through sand. I want to go to Yellowstone National Park to spread Teddy's ashes there (seeking permission of course), but again, I need to be in better shape before I go on a venture of photographing there, as well. I need to be healthier to do a lot of the things I want to... Do you own anything bought in another country? No. Who do you text the most? Sara. Four things you wish you had? Better health (including mental), financial stability, a job, and motivation to indulge more in my artistic hobbies. What was the last thing you cried about? Stress regarding this dog we're stuck with. What is your favorite Elvis song? Probably "You're The Devil In Disguise." Do you think you could be the next American Idol? Ha, absolutely not. Do you prefer reading fiction or non-fiction? Fiction, by a long shot. Does anybody send you money in the mail for your birthday? No. My grampa used to, but he's been dead a couple years. Who is one person you met and automatically didn’t like? I was not a fan of a doctor I once saw for my tremors. She was very rude and just threw the idea of me having Parkinson's or something at what, 17 years old or whatever? My psychiatrist knows her as well and knows she's a whackjob. Heard her name and was essentially like "ew" lmao. What monster would you be most afraid to have in your closet? A male one with a knife, I guess. I really hate knives. And men scare me anyway. Which Adam Sandler movie do you like the most? I don't know, he's in too many to possibly think of one right off the top of my head. Who was one of your first celebrity crushes? Jesse McCartney was my first true love, haha. Have you ever been hit on through text messages? Yes. Do you have to do any yard work? No. Have you ever mowed the lawn? No. Do you get an allowance? No. Did you ever know your great grandparents? I think I knew one? There was this woman from my childhood I knew as "GG" for "great grandma," but I have no recollection of who she was related to or even if she was directly related to me. I remember that I really really liked her, though. Do you like the taste of Tums? It's the texture I really don't like. The candy-like Tums though, y'know, not the chalky ones, I like more than someone should like medicine, haha. How about Pepto Bismol? Omfg no. Do you have a fast or slow metabolism? I have a slow metabolism, but thank Christ it's not as bad as when I was on Abilify. That stupid fucking medicine was the reason I gained so much weight that I haven't been able to lose. What’s your favorite onomatopoeia? (Crash, bang, zoom, meow) I dunno. Do you eat ramen? There's only one specific kind of ramen I've had that I like: Yakisoba's spicy chicken one. Sweet or regular pickles? Regular. I don't like sweet pickles. What kind of dreams do you have most often? Since my nightmares started, violent ones. I'm usually trying to defend myself or lashing out at someone myself. What do you do for personal growth? I try to be a deep thinker, for one. This can way too easily lead to overthinking, but I appreciate that I think it at least helps me learn from my mistakes and work towards making me a better person. I need to start challenging my anxiety more, as that would definitely be massive growth... If you could read anyone’s mind, who would be the first person you’d read? Jason's, only because all I want to know is if he thinks I was emotionally abusive after the breakup or not. But I also don't want to know. Do you have a makeup item or style trick that you feel improves your look significantly and that you feel like you couldn’t go without now that you have it? No. What’s your favourite cereal? Probably Cinnamon Toast Crunch, but I like a lot of cereals. Do you prefer red wine or white wine? I don't like wine. Way too bitter. Do you read Reddit? If so, how often and what subreddits do you like? I don't, but I've thought about lurking on a reptile husbandry one or something like that. Might learn some stuff. But at the same time, there are so many conflicting and very strong opinions amongst hobbyists to the point of awful toxicity that I'd rather not read. Have you recently broken up with a significant other or even just a friend? No. Have you ever eaten at a restaurant and left without paying? God no. When was the last time you played a board game? What did you play? Probably Scrabble back when Sara visited. Do you primarily use cash or card for your purchases? Why? Cash, because I don't have a debit or credit card. Do you believe sex should be mandatory in an ongoing dating relationship? Um, no? Some people don't care for it, and that's completely fine. Have you ever recorded yourself doing a cover of a song? No. Any secrets you’d never tell anyone? No matter how close they are to you? Yes. Do you like deviled eggs? NO. FUCK that yolk shit. What career are you most interested in? I still think my first career goal, a paleontologist, would be most interesting and exciting. Like just IMAGINE discovering a new dinosaur. And it's such a job of passion - you have to be so, SO careful and invest so much time in slowly recovering it from millions of years of rock and sand and time. I can only imagine the feeling of accomplishment when an excavation is complete. Have you ever seen a rooster? Yeah? What do you think about religion? Honestly, I personally wish it had never been a thing. It's brought with it so much hatred and bigotry, but I do acknowledge at the same time it's brought great comfort and hope to some people, and that's wonderful. But just all things considered, I feel it's done more harm than good. What’s your favorite sweetheart name (baby, honey, angel, dumpling) Probably "lovely." Has a little kid ever fallen asleep on your lap before? Yes, back when I babysat my neighbor's kid once. Have you ever thrown a grenade? Yikes, no. Have you ever talked face to face with someone famous before? No. Have you ever owned a rocking horse? I don't think so? If you could meet anyone in the world who would it be? HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM Have you ever wished you were dead? Yes. Is it awkward when people start talking all deep around you? No, I actually like deep convos. Have you ever played the old school Pac Man arcade game? Possibly? Ever played Mario Karts on Nintendo 64? No. Have you ever been scuba diving? No. Can you surf/boogie board? No. Do you like Chinese food, Mexican food, or American food better? American. What’s your favorite thing to order from Taco Bell? Cheese quesadilla and fiesta potatos. Sometimes I get the cinnabon delight thingies, but I avoid 'em with how unhealthy they are. Do you like hot, cold, or lukewarm showers? Pretty hot. Do you like to swing? I LOVED swinging as a kid. I haven't done it in a very long time now. How about jumping on a trampoline? I loved that as a kiddo, too. I haven't done that in years. What are you favorite color eyes? Sapphire blue or like an emerald green. Do you have long arm hair? Nah, at least I don't think so. What third generation console is your favorite? PS3, Xbox 360, or Wii? I loved my PS3. I'm still so bummed mine broke. How often do you like to have sex? I'm not sexually active, but even when I was, I didn't care. Do you have a facial expression you seem to pull a lot? What is it? Not really. I think I look stoic most of the time. Do you always listen to music when you’re online? No; I usually have a let's play or something like that on that I can split my screen and watch while doing something else. If so, what are you currently listening to? I'm listening to "Love Goes On And On" by Lindsey Stirling and Amy Lee right now. Do you ever forget how to do really simple things? Like what? Yes, like how to control the laundry machine and other things like that. There's just so many options that I never, ever remember what to set it to, no matter how many times Mom shows me. That's how my memory is with most things these days, really... Were you born with naturally straight teeth? No; I needed braces. If you were the opposite gender, what name would you like to be called? Uhhh maybe Severin. Do you prefer original or sour Skittles? I love both, but sour wins. What about chocolate or peanut M&M’s? I also enjoy both, but the original are better. Your favourite band: Do you prefer their old or new stuff? That's like... impossible to answer, lol. I just love everything. Do you check to make sure your ear phones are going in the right ear? No. Do you secretly still listen to Ace of Base? I have no idea who that is. Have you ever broken someone else’s bone? No, thank goodness. I'd feel awful. Is it stupid to think you can write a book at thirteen? No?????????? There are incredibly talented writers out there at young ages. Hell, I remember as a kid, I wanted to be the youngest published author way before that age. Are you ever embarrassed about what you dream about? There've been some I wouldn't share. Have you ever had sex with someone as a favor? No, and I never would. Does your mom let you date? I'm 25, my dude. She let me when I felt ready, though. If you had the last person you kissed’s Facebook password, would you go snooping through their stuff? Why or why not? She doesn't have one, but hypothetically, fuck no. Because that's none of my damn business, and it still wouldn't be even if we were still dating. Have you ever fainted? If so, when was the last time? If not have you ever come close? I've fainted once when I was a teen and have come close many other times. Ever take a keyboarding class? Do you type using the skills you learned in class, or how you used to before you took the class? Yeah; it was mandatory for I think one year in middle school. I type how I was taught in there. Do you find your best friend’s significant other/crush attractive? She doesn't have an s/o, and idk who her "real" crush is, as much as she'd love Frieza to be real, haha. What do you do with your clothes that don’t fit anymore or just don’t want? Donate them. Do you cut out coupons? My mom will keep some fast food ones she gets in the mail sometimes. Did you ever breathe in helium and talk funny afterwards? I think I did once at a birthday party, but I'm unsure. Would you ever open your own business? If so, what kind of business could you imagine yourself having? I want to be a freelance photographer so, so badly. I want to specialize in nature and wildlife, but having a boudoir studio would be great to help keep me afloat, plus I adore the art of boudoir. I've shot it once for an old friend, and by god, I loved how empowered it made her feel, especially as a plus-sized woman. She adored the pictures, and I'd just love to help other clients feel like they're gorgeous in their unique body, too. Last type of candy you ate? I had a donut from Starbuck's yesterday. Did you decorate your house for Halloween? If so, how many decorations? Did you go all out, or just put up a few things? Mom and I don't really decorate anymore. :/

[pixieungerstories]

Housemates - 21

You can read all the public chapters on AO3 or read all the chapters and vote on match ups on Patreon for the low, low price of $1 a month.

Vinny almost danced out of her lab that night.   She saw Kogan and beamed at him, “Guess who got top mark on her exam!”

“Really?”

She flung herself at him.  Kogan held her tight and twirled her in a circle.  “That’s my girl!”

She laughed.

Kogan realized what he had said and stiffened.  Vinny noticed.  She let go of him and wobbled a bit.  Kogan made sure she had her feet under her.

She spent the walk home gushing about the problem she had solved and why that was so awesome while Kogan was lost in thought.

The house was actually in sight when she stopped and looked at him, “Something’s wrong.”

Kogan froze and searched the surrounding trees for signs of a threat.

Vinny rolled her eyes.  “Something is wrong with you.  You were all happy that I did well, then suddenly you got all weird.  You haven’t said a single word since we left the Chemistry building.  So… what’s wrong?”

“Well, you’re not really my girl, Vinny.” Kogan explained.

She just looked at him.  “But… wasn’t that … I mean… the whole thing at the bar, with the credit card.  I thought I was part of your family.”

“I... It’s different,” he protested.

“How?”

“It just is,”  he started walking toward the house again.  Vinny didn’t move.  Eventually he came back for her.

She didn’t say anything, she just looked at him.

“Fuck.  Ok.”  He took a deep breath and blew it out.  “When you first turned up, cute and young and so enthusiastic.  I thought it would be like adopting a daughter.”

“And?”

“And… that isn’t exactly how I feel about you now.” Kogan growled and rubbed his face.

Vinny looked puzzled.  Then understanding dawned.  “And that bothers you?”

“Yeah.  I’m too old for you.”

“Derick is older than you and you never seemed bothered by that,” she argued.

“That’s different.  You two go out and no one thinks he’s your grampa.”

Vinny just snorted.  “Kogan, first of all, no one thinks you’re my grampa.  And second, my nonno was not that sexy. You are just being ridiculous.” With that she started walking back towards the house.

Kogan was dumbfounded for a moment.  Then he called after her, “You think I’m sexy?”

She turned and smiled and blew him a kiss before waiting to cross the street.  When he caught up she elbowed him,  “You know what they are thinking, right?”

“What?” he asked, still a little shocked.

“They look at you and think, damn!  He’s got pull.”  Then she laughed all they way to the front door where she stopped with her hand on the door knob.  “And they would be right.”

Kogan caught her hand as she unlocked the door.  He looked at her.  She looked at him.  “I want to kiss you now.”

Vinny smiled at him, “That could be nice.”

Kogan leaned forward and, to be fair, quite a bit down.  He looked at her face and kissed head first.  Then he tipped up her face and slowly kissed her lips.  When he stopped Vinny staggered towards him.

He watched her thoughtfully for a moment.  “Does this mean I get to tuck you in?”

Vinny looked up at him, “Yeah I think it does.”

Kogan moved her hands to his shoulders, then he put his hands on her ass.  It was a simple thing to lift her up,  she wrapped her legs around him and he held her with one big hand as he opened the door with the other.  He toed off his shoes and walked her up the stairs while kissing her neck.   He brought her into his room and tossed her on the bed like she weighed nothing.  

He stalked toward her, “Tell me what you want, little girl.”

Vinny gasped.

Kogan pulled off her shoes and rubbed her foot.  Then her calf.  Then he walked his fingers up her thigh.  “How much pull do I have exactly?”  Kogan chuckled then he turned away to pull off his shirt.  

Vinny crawled to the edge of the bed to run her hands over his back.  “Very sexy.”

He turned to face her, “I’m scared, my chest hair is going grey and -” he stopped as she caught him by the shoulders and kissed him.  It was sloppy and needy.  Kogan was surprised at how desperate it felt.

“Are you sure I’m the one you want tonight?”

“Yes!” Vinny gasped, “Please tell me you have condoms and that we’re are going to need them.”

“What?”

“Crap.”  Vinny sighed and pulled away from him.  “For all of the big talk about friends with benefits-”

“You need someone to take care of you?”

“Kogan, tell me how sexy smart girls are and ride me into the sunset.”

He blinked, “I can do that, but I wasn’t expecting to.  I don’t have any condoms Vinny.”

“I do!  Back in a flash!” she climbed off the bed, dropped her coat on his threshold, her sweater three steps further along.  She stepped out of her pants halfway up the steps, nearly giving Kogan a heart attack as she balanced on one leg to do so. He hurried after her then in case she fell.  Her bra was tossed off into a corner where he couldn’t see and she was out of her panties when he followed her into her room carrying most of her clothes.  She grabbed a box out of her bedside table without even turning on the lights then turned to leave and crashed into him.

Kogan dropped the clothes and caught her as she wobbled, slamming his lips down on hers as he held her steady.  He was still holding her shoulders as she went for his belt.  He pulled away with a chuckle.

Vinny made a little frustrated noise but stopped trying to get into his pants.

“Haven’t the boys been taking care of you?”

“Kogan, neither of them will actually fuck me.  I can’t complain because they are very good at what they do, but I don’t always want to be on top.”

He groaned, whatever concerns he had about this, she was finding all the right things to say.  It has been weeks of thinking about her in the shower and feeling guilty afterwards.  And now she was here practically begging for his cock.

“Lay down, I’m not going to rush this.”  She scrambled away from him and wiggled under the covers.  Kogan sighed.  He didn’t really want to turn on the overhead lights.  When he was young he had washboard abs.  These days he had softer edges.  He had managed to avoid the beer gut so many of his squad now sported, but he wasn’t that sculpted ‘carved from marble shape’ that orcs were so famous for.

No.  He needed some mood lighting.  He looked over at the fireplace and perked up.  If he was going to looking at her body, he would need to keep her warm.  It was easy enough to adjust the gas to give both heat and enough light for him to see her reactions.

He caught her face between his hands and spend some time making love to her mouth with his tongue.  He was patient enough to wait until she was squirming with need from that alone before he cupped her breast and drew his thumb over her nipple making her nearly arch off the bed.  He smiled at that.   The one thing he could offer her was experience.

He was still supporting the back of her neck with one hand and he stroked down her body with the other.   All the way from her cheek, down her neck, between her breasts, over her navel, pausing for a moment to run his hand over her piercing a couple of times before he dipped between her legs, which she obediently opened for him.  He cupped her mound for a moment, then stroked down her thigh to her knee which he grabbed firmly to pull her leg up.

“Fuck, you are small enough that I could take you just like this.  One hand on your knee the other on your throat.”

Vinny moaned.  Kogan grinned and rubbed her thigh a couple of times, carefully avoiding getting too close to her clit.  “Time to own up, Vinny.  Can you even cum from just a dick or do you still need someone pressing your buttons?”  Now he rubbed her clit hard enough to make her jump.  Of course, once she did, he stopped.

“Kogan!”

“Answer the question Vinny.” Then he remembered what she had said earlier.  That sounded suspiciously like a praise kink, which made sense given how hard she worked.  “Be a good girl and tell me what you need, darling.”

“I want you inside of me!”

“Really?”  He opened her lips and slid in his pinky, giving it a little wiggle.  She made a noise of frustration.  “Be more specific.  You’re smart, dazzle me with some big girl words.”  As he slid his finger out, he ran it up and over he clit, making her twitch. “I’m not some young bull who has unlimited do overs until you get what you want Vinny.  You need to be specific.”

Vinny went limp against the hand supporting her neck, she took a couple of deep breaths, “No.  I haven’t ever cum without having my clit rubbed.”

“Good girl!  See?  That wasn’t so hard, and this goes so much better when everyone says what they need.”  Now that the fireplace had warmed the room up abit he took off his belt.  “How much topped do you want to be?” he asked looking at it thoughtfully.  When he looked back,her eyes were wide and he grinned.  She shook her head, no, so he dropped it on the floor.  “Nah.  Only bad girls  need to be spanked.  The one who got the top mark on her exam needs to be spoiled.  Come on princess, show me.”

She had the most wide eyed, innocent look on her face. Slightly ashamed but full of lust.

“I want to see what it takes to make you cum,” he rumbled softly.  “I want you to show me how hard I can play.”

Blushing so hard, Vinny opened her legs and rubbed a finger over her nub. “Like this,” she whispered.

“Nah. I know you can do better.  Show me how good it can be.  Do your toes curl?  Does your pussy clench?  Show me what it looks like when you cum.”

Vinny whispered, “Kogan, you don’t even have your pants off yet.  Are you just messing with me here?”

So he took off his pants revealing a very full looking pair of boxer briefs. He sat in the edge of the bed, “Vinny my sweet, I am almost two feet taller than you and nearly triple your weight. In the interests of us both enjoying this, there are a few things I need to know first.  You gotta just trust me baby girl. I know what I’m doing.”

Vinny took a deep breath and tried to relax.  “I’ve never done this with someone watching.”

Kogan leaned forward and kissed her some more. While his lips were on hers, he guided her fingers between her legs.  Her kisses got a bit breathy as her fingers started to move. Kogan stroked her breast and just kept kissing her until she couldn’t focus on that anymore.  

Then he just watched. When her breathing got erratic and her toes started to clench he reached down an snatched her fingers away.

Vinny’s eyes snapped open and she stared at him in a mix of confusion and betrayal. Kogan was already in the process of flipping her over onto her belly.

“There’s a good girl. Now hands and knees, then lean forward and show me that ass.”

Vinny heard the sound of a condom wrapper opening as she got her knees under her. Kogan was back a moment later pulling her hips back towards him. He started rubbing her clit as the tip of his cock bobbed against her slit.

Then Kogan finally slid in, slowly.  Vinny could feel herself trying to open and stretch around him.  He didn’t just slam in but rather rocked into her without actually bottoming out.

Vinny got impatient and rocked back towards him.  She immediately regretted  it as he went in deeper than she liked and she had to pull away with a gasp.

“You still OK?” He asked softly.

“Yeah. ��Not quite that much, ok?”

Kogan just snorted.  “Trust me.  I know what I’m doing.”

With his hand on her pubic mound to hold her in place while also fingering her clit.  He pulled back, then slammed in somehow managing to stop at the right point to make Vinny moan.  “Christ, Vinny! You are tight! You will  feel this in the morning!”  He dimly thought so would his knees but he was more focused on how her tight little body felt as she came and clenched hard enough to force him to slow his pace a little.    He took the opportunity to give her ass a swat.  “We aren’t done yet,” he growled.

Vinny was panting; her arms were shaking, it was easy enough to push her hips forward so she unbalanced and fell to her elbows.  “Fuck!  Sometime, I going to take you out to the middle of nowhere and fuck you over my bike, just like this.  Pull your skirt up, push those panties aside and wreck that tight little pussy.” Kogan was snapping his hips with every word, rubbing her clit and watching her stuff her fingers into her mouth to stay quiet. “Some place where you can scream loud enough to scare the birds.”

That did it, her whole body jerked and her thighs started shaking.  Kogan pulled out, flipped her onto her back like it was nothing, then pushed her legs toward her chest.  From this angle he could bottom out against her thighs.  He fucked her hard and fast.  He came as she was writhing, eyes squeezed shut, both hands clamped over her mouth as her back arched.  He stayed as deep in her as he could until she put her feet on his chest and pushed him away.

He rolled  her onto her side and covered her with a blanket.  Then he kissed her cheek and went to dispose of the condom.

“You’re coming back, right?” she murmured.

“Do you want me to?”

“Yeah.”

It was a tight squeeze to get them both into her bed, but Kogan made it work.

----

Thea had been waiting in the spider’s nest in the very peek of the roof since before Vinny was late getting home from her lab. He  was watching wide eyed.  He had one hand over his mouth so he didn’t make any noise.  The other was gently stroking himself.  Fuck, he thought, this is bad.

[inuykago]

return to the place where we first. . .

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY (6/15) TO MY WONDERFUL FRIEND @l0st-amul3t 💕💖💝🌸 

please enjoy this decently-written drabble I attempted to write for you and everyone please greet this great person & talented artist a happy birthday (by pm-ing her or reply below bc her ask isn't working..???)!

ALSO, a BIG shoutout to my other amazing friend @stubbornhalfbreed​ for suggesting this idea to me in my time of crucial writer’s block ♡.

p.s. there’s a sappy hbd note after the story

{canon. inukag. 1524 words.}

“Ka-go-me!” Inuyasha shouted as he slid the kitchen door open.

He looked down at Sota, Mama, and Jiichan who were all at the kitchen table eating dinner. Their mouths were half-full, ready to take another bite, as Inuyasha’s mouth took shape of an “o.”

“INU NO NIICHAN!” Sota exclaimed as he rushed over to hug the pupper. “Wait a second,” the boy pulled back, still gripping Inuyasha, “Weren’t you here this morning?”

Inuyasha’s cheeks turned red as he noticed Kagome’s mom and grampa smirk at the boy’s question, “N-No!” He pulled away, “T-That wasn’t me.” He pouted and crossed his arms.

“Eh?” Sota pointed at him. “But who else wo-”

Inuyasha hurried to cover his mouth and laughed nervously, “D-Don’t listen to him.” He released Sota like nothing happened -- the boy catching his breath-- “Is Kagome home?”

“Sorry, Inuyasha,” she smiled sadly. “Kagome has been out all day at the library studying with her friends,” she said as she took another bite of her food. “But, if you really wanna see her-”

“W-What?!” he cleared his throat. “I j-just wanted some more ninja food… th-that’s all,” he lied terribly.

Gramps nodded sarcastically as he ate his noodles, “I see.”

Inuyasha wasn’t sure if it was his mind playing tricks or if they were all suggesting that he was dying to see her. See her? Kagome? Why the heck would I care?!: is what he thought; but I do kind of miss her… and her nagging… her annoying voice… her…: is how he knew he felt.

“Inu no niichan!” the boy shook him out of his daydream.

Inuyasha shook his head -- hoping no one noticed he zoned out -- and looked down, “You can wait with me if you want! We can play video games and watch TV!”

“You mean the magic box?” he seriously asked.

Sota nodded and grabbed his hand before he even had a chance to think.

It was already 9 p.m.; the sky was dark and the stars were already high in the sky. Jiichan had fallen asleep on the chair in the living room while Sota was passed out on the floor with the controller in his left hand and the TV on full-blast with a virtual fighting game on the screen.

Mama had her face flat on the kitchen table, snoozing away with a dish rag in one hand and a half-clean plate in the other. Buyo was making his way to sleep on Sota’s stomach as Kagome closed the front door and made her way upstairs.

“Jeez, why is everyone already asleep?” she mumbled to herself as she rolled her shoulders. “Have I really been gone that long?”

She sighed as she let her yellow stuffed backpack slide off her back and drop to the ground. She fluffed her hair before getting ready to unbutton her shirt as she turned to the mirror and exclaimed:

“INU-INUYASHA?!”

The exhausted pup immediately fell off the bed, making a long ‘thud’ noise. He rubbed his head and immediately ran over and smushed his forehead against Kagome’s in (fake) extreme rage, “Why would you do that?!”

“Why would I….?!” she yelled as she shoved her forehead back against his. “Why are you in my room?!”

“Wh-what I’m not --” he stopped and took a look around -- “...oh.” He nervously laughed, but refused to let her win, “W-Well, where have you been all day?! All week?!”

Kagome laughed sarcastically, “Oh, now you wanna get all uptight about where I am?”

Inuyasha lowered his ears in fear, “N-No…”

“Where were you all those times you randomly ran off??” she crossed her arms. “Hmmmm?”

At first, he got mad that she even brought it up -- yes, I was with Kikyo, but dammit, Kagome… it’s not what you think... : is what he thought, but:

“Look,” he eased up his tone. “I j-just… j-just… the gang misses you,” is what he said.

Kagome sighed because she thought he was gonna say something more meaningful, “Okay…,” she put her finger on her chin. “But what does that have to do with being here --” she waved her arms in a circle -- “in my room?”

Inuyasha panicked, “I-It’s not like I miss you or a-anything!”    

For some reason, something in Kagome broke, “... Stupid.”

“Stupid?”

“Yes…,” she lowered her head and closed her fists. “BAKA, BAKA, BAKA!” Inuyasha shuddered, not knowing what to do, “Leave….me alone…”

“W-What?” he reached out to her, but she turned away.

“GO,” she shouted as he crawled away, and out the window.

He stared back into the window before he shut it behind him. She threw herself onto her bed and covered her eyes, almost as if she were to cry. Inuyasha felt bad for what he said, but at least he knew that it worked.

FIVE DAYS LATER

“Inuyasha? Miroku?” Kagome called out into the forest. “Shippo-chan? Sango-chan?”

She looked from left to right as she pushed herself out of the well. The breeze was nice and the sun was hiding shyly behind the clouds; a butterfly followed her on the way out, just like when she had first arrived in the feudal era.

“G-Guys?” she muttered as she finally saw the gang in the distance.

Inuyasha was yelling at Miroku while he ignored the pup’s shouts. Sango was laughing with Kirara, enjoying the amusement, while Shippo was acting “innocent” helping Kaede with the crops -- so basically a normal day.

“Kagome!” Shippo exclaimed as he ran to her and jumped into her arms. “We missed you… Especially that one --” he whispered, pointing to Inuyasha-- “where have you been?”

She giggled, rubbing his head, “I’ve been busy with my studies.” She smiled, “I’m sorry I haven’t been around.” She looked over at Inuyasha, “At least, I’m finally free on this special day!!”

Shippo tilted his head, “special… day?”

“Very funny, Shippo…,” she giggled nervously as he jumped down. “I only talked about it every day for the last two weeks…”

Did they really forget it’s my birthday?

She walked over to Inuyasha, and his eyes lit up, but he shook his head trying to hide the fact that it did.

“Today’s a special day, isn’t??” she pouted and put her hands behind her back, sway back and front, waiting for someone to answer.

Inuyasha, Miroku and Sango all looked at each other -- left to right, right to left -- before shrugging and a complete blank look on their faces.

“Eh?” Inuyasha scratched his head. “What’s so special about today?” He turned to Miroku, “Did he not hit on anyone today?”

It was almost as if fumes began smoking out of Kagome for reasons, and Sango for, well, other reasons. The two girls tried to contain themselves while the boys continued to be clueless.

Inuyasha noticed the death stares on their faces, “W-What did I do?”

Miroku jabbed his staff onto Inuyasha’s head, following the rude remark -- Shippo dug his feet into the dirt trying to hold Inuyasha back.  

“Anyways…,” Miroku turned to Kagome. “Ahh, you’re right!” He put his hand on her shoulder, “It is a special day!”

“See!!” she jumped up and down. “Thank you, Miroku!”

He took a deep breath, “There’s a festival going on in the village over!”

Kagome fell straight to the floor. She rubbed her head as Inuyasha and Shippo exclaimed “FREE FOOD” and Miroku yelled “SINGLE LADIES.”

The two ladies sighed again, lowering their heads in unison.

Sango laid a hand on Kagome, reassuring her friend, “Don’t worry.” She smiled softly, “I know why it’s a special day.”

“Really?!” Kagome let herself get excited once again.

“Yes,” Sango slowly walked over to Miroku. “Today is when…,” she smirked at him, “Houshisama gets what’s coming to him.”

She leaned into the monk, closed her eyes, and threw a nice jab to the face.

Inuyasha and Shippo rolled around on the floor, laughing uncontrollably as they grabbed their stomachs while Sango was satisfied and walked away with sass.

“Sigh,” Kagome breathed. “Whatever, you guys can go.”

She walked away from the loud noises of Inuyasha’s laugher and Miroku’s complaining. She slid the door open to Kaede’s hut and quietly sat next to the pot, sulking in her thoughts.

“Kagome,” she turned around. “Why are you so sad? Isn’t it your birthday?”

The girl gave a weak smile, “Thanks for remembering, Kaede.” She sighed for the tenth time, “But the others don’t…”

“Oh,” the lady thought to herself. “Well, let me make you a special soup; it’ll make you feel better.”  

She nodded slowly and watched Kaede leave the hut.

“It worked,” Kaede whispered to the gang.

“Kaede… where… are … you,” she tried to feel around her, but it was nothing but air. “Taking… me… ?”

“SURPRISE!!!”

Kaede removed her blindfold and before her was a huge birthday banner hung across the well. Flowers of different colors were planted around it and tables with different foods and cakes were placed on two tables.

The gang wore party hats and yelled in excitement -- they all looked stupid, but it still made Kagome’s heart melt.

Inuyasha walked up to her, “I wanted to celebrate your birthday in the place where we first met.”

ok here’s the sappiness:

it is 2am as I write this. Me you and Jocelyn are on a call together and I couldn’t have asked for better friends. Sakura, I’m so glad you messaged me that one time when I was overreacting over nothing. Thank you for making me laugh even when I don’t even want to. I hate when you make fun of my autocorrect and you try to make me talk to boys. But I'm so grateful for having you as a friend and being part of this great little friend group that we have. #thonkforever 💕

[cosmosogler]

hi guys. i lost a lot of time today. really not feelin it. but i’ll write about it.

i woke up on time. i’d been having... bad dreams. yes. definitely bad ones. it took me a moment to remember anything past the extreme unease and the glittering lights. i was on a road trip? not sure. i was in like a casino city. dad was there, but he was also some kind of mob boss businessman? i think he tasked me to try to fill up all the empty stores along the roulette wheel, which was also a street, but also a roller coaster. 

gainesville has a lot of empty shop shells. derelict. like my dreams for the last 25-ish years. 

it’s almost my birthday. i’ll be 25.

i’m thinking about making cupcakes for my birthday. if i can get the cupcake tin before the end of next week.

anyway, the flashing and blinking and twinkling lights in the “city” were super disorienting and giving me a headache. it may have been in the same place that a previous dream i had involving dad was? i saw a few familiar landmarks. but that dream had taken place firmly during the day, and this was at night. 

i eventually left after realizing that i was never going to fill all the shops, i could only try to place businesses in the busiest streets so that they’d get enough income to attract other places to come in and fill the space.

after that i left. i ended up in my high school’s theater auditorium, as happens pretty often. there’s several different versions of it, sometimes mashed up with a warehouse i dream about a lot, sometimes mixed into the independent theater i attended during grade school, especially in the backstage areas. sometimes it’s torn up into a lot of rooms that don’t quite match up with the real thing.

it’s weird. the big prominent back door in the high school theater doesn’t really make it into my dreams.

there’s usually a lot going on in the warehouse theater. this time i knew what they were doing but i still was not able to participate. i’m... not sure how to explain the game, and i’m not sure if it could be considered a game. it’s like a trapeze thing but there’s also a spoken script the players have to follow? conversations with people playing the game while i’m up standing on the ledge looking at them always feel very hollow. maybe it’s not that the conversations are pre-written so much as i’m distracting the players. 

i woke up many times before sunrise again. when i got up i was sluggish and confused. i looked up the clinic’s hours well after 8 but i was out the door around 9 at least. i was stopped by a homeless couple. the guy asking me for money was EXTREMELY QUIET. i could not hear him over every single passing car. i felt really bad asking him to be louder. maybe we could have just moved away from the road but his boyfriend was looking kind of on edge and like they may have been in a hurry. 

i guess i spent the time that i couldn’t hear him thinking over the situation. and i guess even if they weren’t actually going to use my money to buy a bus ticket out of town, at least they’d be doing whatever it was together. 

he looked pretty young to be whispering “we’re a homosexual couple” to me next to a busy road with no pedestrians, but i don’t know the region’s atmosphere very well. and i can’t stand disappointing people. every time i mentioned that the cat in my backpack really needed to get to the vet he looked so bummed and i was hoping that reminding him that i needed to be somewhere would help him condense. but it didn’t. i think i missed the bus because when i got to the stop i looked at the next arrival time and it was like 40 minutes away.

so i walked to the other route that goes near the clinic and got on that bus instead. i missed the stop because the bus does not announce its stops nor actually stop at the stops. so i had to backtrack a bit when i realized we’d gone past where i wanted to be. not too far though.

so. some good news and some pretty bad news. i filled out snoopy’s paperwork at the vet and all the techs were very nice and the vet answered all my questions as i remembered to ask them. i was a little confused because basically everything they said completely contradicted what the first vet had said about cats.

the good news is that snoopy does not have a tumor on her head. she has a cosmetic cyst. “cosmetic” as in “it’s doing nothing and has nothing in it, but if you want her head to look nicer we can take it off for 500 dollars. but it might go away itself too.” 

the bad news is that she has kidney disease, which is incurable and, eventually, fatal. 

it’s not... it’s probably not going to happen soon. her bloodwork showed that the blood toxicity thing is pretty low right now. the vet did not give me a lifetime estimate and just said that all cats are different. i gotta choke up a lot of money for specifically pro-kidney prescription food though and i can’t give her any treats for... well, the rest of her life. 

there was another cat at the shelter when we were adopting snoopy who had the same problem. i was bummed that i’d never be able to spoil her with cookies all the time so i got snoopy. but now i can’t spoil snoopy with piles of cookies either. at least she will eat the new food though. and she has gained some weight, but the vet wants her to put on another half of her total body weight. 

so i carried snoopy and the food bag all the way home (with the help of the bus half the time). she didn’t hold the vet trip against me but she seems pretty interested in laying next to the washing machine. maybe the blood draw exhausted her. i did get her to eat some of the new food right away at least...

i was starving because it was 2 pm by the time i got her re-settled and i had a big lunch. then i basically did nothing for 4 hours and then i re-tried making the gnocchi. this time i hand-minced some garlic and made a nice butter-parmesan sauce and threw in some basil so it would taste italian. and it was actually really good. the amount of garlic was illegal though. 

mom always puts tons and tons of garlic in her dishes so i might have trouble figuring out how much to put in my servings for a while.

tomorrow i got two classes. the third one is still being mysterious and will begin on friday. suzanne said i could borrow her mechanics textbook any time so tomorrow i’ll spend some time reading and taking notes- THAT’S THE PLAN. 

i’m having so much trouble getting rolling on homework and studying. i was so lethargic today that i didn’t take out the recycling or finish washing my dishes right after dinner. and that’s the un-stressful stuff!!!

my gramma is slipping toward kidney failure. i’m thinking about what that means for snoopy. but... gramma doesn’t have me restricting her diet. i’m thinking snoopy’s probably got a while before i have to start doing the, like, daily injections? that the vet talked to me about.

i know everyone dies eventually. and i know roughly the age that people and dogs and cats reach. but no one really wants to hear that that time is, in fact, coming up. grampa’s dying the death of a thousand paper cuts and he’s already lived longer than any man on that side of the family in our history. gramma’s body is just stopping taking care of itself. eve got her leg chopped off, but she’s still 13. snoopy’s 12. i don’t know much about her. it’s only been ten days.

not sure i like having this buildup of “the end” in my life right now. i mean, i love all of these people and animals, and i never want to lose them, but the anticipation stresses me out, and i know that the longer each of them lives, the more likely they are to die pretty close to each other. mathematically, i guess.

knowing that someday i’ll have to keep going without any of them stresses me out.

anyway. i need to figure out how to out-motivate my anxiety. knowing intellectually that this is what i want to do with my life and every stepping stone on the way down this road is, in its own way, a joy doesn’t seem to be making me less anxious. and the fear of, i don’t know, both failing and succeeding is more powerful than my interest in any subject including my very favorite. 

failing because this is what i want to do, and if i can’t do it because i’m not the right kind of person then it’s like “well, what now?”

succeeding because if i succeed then that’s wrong and someone must have made a mistake, but now everyone will expect me to know what i’m doing. and i never know what i’m doing. i don’t even know what i’m doing when i’m pretty sure i know what i’m doing! i can’t commit to anything because, like, if i get good at it, people will expect me to be consistently good at it! and i can’t be consistently good!! i can barely get up in the morning, let alone do quantum mechanics every day, or win at pokemon every day, or cook something good every day. 

at least with cooking so far it’s been almost entirely for just myself. it’s easier to enjoy the project and take risks and goof off with weird combinations when i’m the only one who has to throw it away and just make corn dogs if it doesn’t work out. my first batch of cupcakes during my sick period this year was humiliating. 

but i can’t actually get to the point where i am consistently good at something UNLESS i do it every day and spend a whole lot of time screwing up and making dumb mistakes. i gotta commit if i want to succeed. i’m not even that good at pokemon because i don’t actually play against other people. if i want to be good at physics i gotta do it a lot, and a lot of that has to be with other people who will point out my mistakes so i can stop making them.

but even doing a little bit is so difficult that it’s easy to find chores to do specifically so that i run out of time to do any actual physics.

look at that. i started writing super early but now it’s 10:10 and if i cracked open a physics book now i would get to bed late. guess i’ll have to do it tomorrow!!!!

at least, right now... it won’t be very helpful to worry a lot about snoopy. i’ve done everything i can right now and i can’t do anything past that. i’ll have to bring in the lab work the vet requested over the weekend or something because i just won’t have the time and energy to put like 2 hours into another vet trip if i got something else to do that day. i switched her food right over, and i am keeping her water fountain full and clean, and i am keeping her litter box clean, and i am trying to keep her fur clean. i don’t like that things take time. building skills, and getting to know people, and getting to know snoopy, and seeing how snoopy does with this chronic disease, are all things that take a LOT of time.

i wish my therapy appointment was this week instead of in a week. getting along by myself with no mental health support is a sisyphean monstrosity. 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #204

“welcome to the gospel of dismay.”

Have you ever started reading a book and wondered if you’d read it before? I don't believe so. What has been bothering you a lot lately? Just job stuff... My VR coach and I are having difficulty finding something suitable for me (or something I'm even qualified for) to the point it's looking like I have no choice but to reach out of my comfort zone quite a bit. Thankfully, whatever I do, she goes to work with me and my case isn't closed until I feel totally comfortable at the job, but I just don't want to hop around five times until I find something that fits. I'm just ready to be settled into a job that's not torture for me. What (or who) have you been missing lately? I've been missing Sara really, really badly. My friend Alex, too. It's seemed lately that I only matter when she wants to talk, solely about her boyfriend. As for what, motivation... It's been running low low low lately. Miss having the drive to write like I used to. Miss hobbies. I miss doing things. Are you trustworthy? Yes. Did your parents teach that white lies were ok? In few situations, such as not to hurt other's feelings. Have you ever hallucinated? When coming off of a medication, yes. I saw moving shadows. Do you sleep with your door open or closed? Open. Roman would neeeever let me sleep with it closed, but even then, I prefer not to have it closed. My mom sleeps right outside my room on the couch, and even though we're sleeping, it gives me a natural sense of security to be able to see her. I'm such an infant. By God, do I need to loosen up on my attachment to her. What flags do you have in your room, if any? None. What (or who) is the best thing that ever happened to you? Recovery is the best thing, as for who, Sara. Although in some ways you could say Jason just because of how he changed me to an incredible degree and brought about the development of a lot of strength and less naivety, plus a LOT of self-discovery. I guess it depends on how you look at the question. What is the worst decision you ever made? Essentially turning Jason into a god. Letting my life depend on him loving me. Do you miss college? Jfc, I miss school PERIOD. I don't need to give the sob story about how I'm like a prisoner to my house again and how I don't really have friends. I miss having a purpose, and I neeeeed to be exposed to strangers again for social exercise, as well as hopefully to make friends. I just want something to do and work towards my career. I stg my fucking old college better get their shit together so I can go next semester. I will actually lose my shit otherwise. Have you ever called a teacher “mom”? I think I have by accident before. I still call an old teacher that's now a family friend "2nd Mom" sometimes. What is your favorite arcade game? Idk what are "normal" ones. Oh, well, do crane machines count? So rigged, but they're fun. Do you feel neglected? No, for the most part. Those most important in my life are doing everything to make sure I can handle the "real" world one day. What school subject(s) are/were your best? English, art, and science. Are you allergic to grass? No. Do you remember to water plants? I don't have any. What season is your birthday in? Winter. Name 3 creative people you know. Sara, Connie, and Emma to name just a few. Name 3 YouTubers you aspire to be like. Markiplier for work ethic, creativity, compassion, wisdom, determination, etc. etc. etfuckingc., Shane Dawson for kindness, aaaaand uhhhh Arin Hanson for how down-to-earth and chill he is behind his goofy exterior. What color was your first car? Haven't had my first one yet. What year did you graduate? 2014. When was the last time you saw the person you currently have feelings for? Not since early February. Have you ever been scammed? Ummmm idk, maybe? Are you allergic to pollen? Yes. What style of wedding dress do you like best? Ballgown. Are you over your first love? Yes. Do you talk on the phone a lot? No. Would you rather call or text? Text, big time. Do you always answer your phone? Most times. When was the last time you went to a party? Nicole didn't really have a "party," nor did Sara, so technically my nephew's birthday in August. What was the last thing you ate? A bagel. What’s the last book you checked out from the library? I couldn't tell you. Do you have a twitter? Yeah, but I post nothing. It only exists to like Mark's shit lmao. If so, what was the last thing you tweeted? ^ Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? My mom. What’s the last thing you cooked on the stove? Scrambled eggs eons ago. What color is the cover of the last notebook you used? Hot pink. Who was the last person you know to have a birthday? Alex. Who sent the last e-mail you got? Mad Ethel's tattoo parlor. I was talking with them about enhancing my tat I got in tribute to Mark; I don't think it looks spacey enough at all, so I'm going to a more professional artist. I mean I like what it is now, but I want to love it. I got a price estimate, aaand it's probably gonna be a while. What song is currently stuck in your head? "Legs Up" by Jeffree Star bye I'mma go jump off a bridge. Do you have a favorite shape? Of basic shapes, circles. What color are the sheets on your bed? White, which I hate; between Roman and Teddy, you can tell it needs to be changed desperately. What time do you usually go to bed? It can range from very rarely as early as 7:00 (I have to be having a baaaaad day) to as late as midnight. Yeah. Do you ever use coloring books? Not anymore. Are you planning on watching the Olympics? I never do. Do you pronounce the word "often" with or without a "t" in the middle? With. Have you ever been on a trapeze? No. Do you enjoy popping bubble wrap? Omfg GIMME. Are there any waterfalls near where you live? No. Do you like seafood? No, solely shrimp prepared in certain ways. Have you ever had to wear a uniform for anything? In middle school. Then at my two jobs. If so, what did it look like? Middle school was khaki pants with plain tops of only certain colors, like white or light blue (those may have been the only options, even). I don't remember the work ones, I was there so briefly. Do you personally know anyone who is an author? No. Do you own a Polaroid camera? No. Do you enjoy baking? I don't enjoy cooking period. What’s your favorite type of flower? Orchids. Last time (if ever) you were on an airplane, where were you going? Back home from Illinois. Do you know anyone who is left-handed? Sara. What is something you think is underrated? Hm. Probably certain shows or movies that aren't coming to mind. Ah, "The Cat in the Hat" with Mike Myers is certainly one for me. It's such a meme that it's awful, but I love that movie. Around what temperature do you consider it to be too hot outside? Like 65*F. In what ways do you expect your life to be different one year from now? I BETTER have a stable job. How often do you travel outside of the state/province you live in? Not often at all. What’s a hobby you used to have, but don’t anymore? Sigh, reading. That hobby died at the hospital, when all I had to do was read and color all day every day because the mental institutions here are godawful. I really do miss reading. What has been your favorite job you’ve had so far? Ha. What’s your favorite kind of salsa/dip to go with tortilla chips? Just the normal spicy kind. Do you wash your car by hand or drive through a car wash? I don’t have a car. Where is the farthest north you’ve traveled to? Michigan. Farthest south? Florida. East? Well, here in NC. West? Illinois. How often do you run the dishwasher? We don't have one. Do you wash your face at the sink or in the shower? Sink. Name a stereotype about your gender that you don’t fit. I have no desire for kids, I hate shopping, I have no interest in fashion... Name a stereotype about your age that you don’t fit. I still don't want kids/don't have any kids. Do you have any unusual decorations in your home? Not really, but I suppose you could say my late grampa's old "cowboy" hat with feather tassels hanging on the wall is? It's aaaalways been on the walls in all our houses. Do you have any uncommon kitchen appliances, such as espresso machines, waffle irons, etc? I dunno. I don't use any. What did your parents major/minor in in college, if they went? Mom majors in social work; Dad never went. Has either of their careers influenced what career you chose or want to pursue? No. What is the highest level math class you’ve completed? I don't remember. How old were you when you learned how to ride a bike? Idr. How old were you when you learned how to swim? Again, idr. How do you react when someone is rude to you? I get really embarrassed for whatever reason and also verbally impulsive; you don't know what's gonna come out of my mouth. Have you ever had a friend who was too clingy? No, but then again, I don't know if "too clingy" exists for me. What kind of natural disaster is most common where you live? Hurricanes. Why is your least favorite season your least favorite? It's too goddamn hot and humid as FUCK and all the insects are out. Do you have a Netflix account? Yes. Have you ever had an animal get into your attic? No. Where is your favorite place to go on vacation? Honestly, I can't even tell you. I've been on so, so few vacations, and those I have are almost exclusively to the beach, which I don't like. How long does it take to get there? The beach is ~2+ hours depending on which one we're going to. When was the last time you started a “new chapter” of your life? When I fully let Jason go, I guess. I don't think I've had a massive change since then. What room in your home do you spend the least amount of time in? I never go into my sister's old room. What is the last random act of kindness you did? Don't drag me for playing WoW please okay. But anyway me and another player were heading to an old raid, and I flew to the spawn point of an incredibly rare mob that drops a mount to see if it was up; he was, and the guy was super thankful I checked for him (I already had it, so it wasn't for my own benefit). Do you do anything to reduce the amount of electricity you use? I do the opposite, really... as much as I hate that. I learned to finally keep the lights on in the room I'm in to combat depression, and after finding that it truly works well (if you have depression, seriously, LIGHT THAT ROOM UP), if it's even SLIGHTLY darker without it, that ceiling light's going on. Then at night, Mom likes me to keep the living room light on so it looks like more people are home (it's for safety). Are you usually open to trying a new food that you aren’t familiar with? Nooooooo. Do you listen to Panic! At The Disco? I LAAAAAAAAAHV them! Have you ever had a kinky dream about a celebrity? "I’ve had sex dreams but they weren’t kinky." <<<<<<<<<< Is there a song you can’t stop listening to atm? I have been craaaazy about Caleb Hyles covers lately. Has anyone ever told you that they loved you, and you couldn’t say it back? Yes. That's when I finally ended the "thing" with Joel, I think. If your Facebook status doesn’t get any likes/comments, does it bother you? If it's something I actually wrote instead of something I shared (which is almost exclusively what I do), I get really self-conscious and automatically embarrassed because my head screams "NOBODY CARES." Which friend do you confide in most? Easily Sara. Do you wear a cross? No. What is your opinion on Arby's? Ew. When you have your own kitchen, how will it be done? I don't know. Haven't really thought about it, and besides, I think it'd depend on the layout. What is your favorite doughnut? Glazed. Closely followed by classic/cake. Do you have a hot tub? If so, where is it located? HA bitch we're poor. Did you read the Twilight series, or jump on the bandwagon after the movie? Didn't read the books or watch the movies. What is your favorite party game? Mario Kart. Do you or your parents rake your yard? No. Were you pro-Obama? I was indifferent considering I didn't know enough about him. What is your favorite scent from Bath & Body Works? *shrugs* What was the last illegal thing you did? Downloaded music. Who did you last go to the movies with? Ummm... Mom, I think? What color was the last vehicle you were in? White. Do you have any family members in the military right now? No. Is there a ceiling fan in the room you’re in? No. When was the last time you wished time would move faster? Like... every day for a long, long time now. I just want to have a job or be in school. I want to make progress towards a successful future. I know that's an extremely unhealthy desire to want to zoom through each day, but it's hard to cherish every, identical day lately. Are there any owls in your room (as decor, of course)? No. Have you ever heard voices? Audibly? I don't think so. Do you believe in angels and demons? I don't really know. I know there's life after death, but like, I don't know if your soul is "categorized." Who is the worst neighbor you have ever had? I can't really get into that as I don't know the full story... Dad was good friends with them, but Mom got along with them too, and came divorce time, they turned evil to Mom. I don't know things that were said. Did your Barbies go on dates? I don't remember. If you’re not straight, who was the first person you came out to? Sara. She's the one who talked me through the revelation. Where did you meet your first crush? We went to the same school. Do you remember the first time your first crush ever said hi to you? No. Do you ever go places with wet hair? Yeah. Who is your favorite little girl? My niece. What do you want the most in life? Happiness. What is a decision you’ve made that changed your entire life? Letting Jason become everything. Do you ever wonder what kind of person you’d have turned out to be if a certain event never happened to you? I wonder quite a bit who I'd be if the breakup never happened. When you’re home alone, do you still shower with the bathroom door closed? No. Even when someone is home, I keep it cracked so it doesn't get so humid. If you could have anyone’s singing voice, whose would you choose? Uhhhhh would any female not choose Amy Lee. What are your top 3 favorite genres of music? Metal, rock, indie. Where did you buy your dishes from? I have NO idea. We've had the same fancy-ish dishes my entire life. Do you think Mars will be colonized in your lifetime? In my lifetime, no. What’s the most expensive thing you’ve bought that turned out to be a waste of money? I have no clue. What’s something you’ve bought that turned out to be way more useful than you anticipated? I also don't know. Have you ever been on a ship? No, just boats. Do you ever take intentional breaks from checking/posting on social media? No. Who was Van Halen’s better singer - David Lee Roth, or Sammy Hagar? David. Which fictional character has the most memorable quotes? I'd have to think way too long on this. ACTUALLY. Maybe the Cheshire cat, off the top of my head. What’s a class you did not take in school, but now wish you had? None. Have you ever been to either of your parents’ workplaces? Yeah. What do you think of the ‘Healthy At Every Size’ movement/philosophy? ACTUALLY fuck off. Coming from someone who is overweight, get out of here with that shit. Don't normalize an unhealthy body. Have you ever been bitten so hard that their teeth marks were there after? Uh, other than in a sexual context, I don't think so, no. WAIT NO I bit my sister's back so hard as a kid that she bled, so probably. Ever been given a hickey? (Love bite) Well read above. Ever gave one? Yeah. Are you more of an outgoing type or shy type? I'm shy as fuck. Do you think it's weird if guys wear make-up like eyeliner? If you do think it is, I want nothing to do with your ass. It's 2019. Are you self conscious? If so what are you self conscious about? More than words can explain. My awkwardness, stuttering, lack of comfort with eye contact, and my body. Are you flirty at all? In certain instances with an s/o. Are you racist at all? No. Would you ever date a disabled person? (Be honest) It depends on the disability. With my own issues, I need to be able to handle theirs. If you found a baby randomly by itself what would you do? Call the police. Would you rather adopt or have your own child? If I was to have kids, I'd rather them be my own or wife's if I'm with a woman. But again, I don't want kids period. What would you class as cheating on someone? As soon as you're hiding shit regarding another person from your partner. Do you try to be politically correct? Only to a certain degree. What’s your favorite kind of sea critter? That's hard. I love seahorses, sea turtles, jellyfish, dolphins, whales... Have you ever tasted locally-made honey before? I don't think so. As far as earrings go, would you rather wear hoops or studs? Studs. Do you find P.E. humiliating, or think schools shouldn’t teach it? It wasn't humiliating, at least back then when I had a healthy body. I have mixed emotions about its mandatory status... Like, exercise should absolutely be encouraged, but P.E. classes tend to be entirely inflexible in regards to accommodating different people's limits and conditions. Do you recycle? Sadly no. We have to drive to the dump in order to, and Mom got tired of it. Are you interested in current world issues? Not even nearly as much as I should. Do you think you are mature, or immature? It depends on the situation. What kind of career are you interested in? It'd be great if I could survive just off of photography, but odds are I won't be able to. So I'm trying to go back to college and major in zoology to be an out-on-the-field zoologist. Do you own a pair of sunglasses? No. Do you use bobby pins, hair clips, or elastic hair ties? Which? None; my hair is really short. When it was long, I used hair ties. How badly do you get acne? (If at all) I don't anymore, just the occasional pimple usually around that time of the month. What’s the best way to cope with a breakup? YOU ARE ASKING THE WRONG PERSON. If someone dislikes you, what is most likely to be the reason? For those who don't know me thoroughly, I wouldn't be even remotely surprised if someone thought I was a lazy freeloader going nowhere. I feel like most people think that anyway because I'm going through hell to get a job, don't have friends, and am not back in school yet. How many text messages do you have in your inbox atm? No unread ones. When was the last time you had a difficult decision to make? Last week or so when I deeply debated on whether or not to get rid of Kaiju (my juvenile don't-touch-me iguana). In school, what subjects do/did you find the most difficult? Math and economics. Do you still speak to the person you had your first kiss with? No. Where did you meet the last person you swapped numbers with? I believe that was my VR coach? Who was the last person to add you as a friend on Facebook? My old high school friend Robert. This dude's working at NASA while I'm at home every day at my laptop. I'm an adult. Who was the last person that asked if you were okay? My mom. What does your handwriting look like? It's a mix of (mostly) cursive and print, and I'm usually told it's "too" fancy and hard to read. Do you use any products on your hair, other than shampoo and conditioner? No. Who were your best friends in primary school? Brianna, Kim, and Quiata. Do you still speak to any of them? No. What was the last thing you bought from a vending machine? Probably a drink. I don't remember the last time I used one. What color hair did your first crush have? Brown. What type of shoes do you find the most comfortable? Maybe Vans? Are you more masculine or feminine? Idk. If you could design your own mug, what would you put on it? Idk. Rainbow meerkat pawprints going up in a spiral around the cup? First thing that came to mind. What is the best beach you’ve been to? I've only been to two (I think), and I don't care enough about beaches or remember well enough to answer this. What is one thing you physically can’t do? There is no way in Heaven or Hell I could clean up vomit without hurling myself. Have you ever been to a funeral? Yes. Have you ever visited your state’s capitol building? No. Have you ever visited your nation’s capitol building? No. Do/did you have a favorite seat in church? No. What is your favorite park? Disney World, of course. Have you ever felt an earthquake? No. Do you chew gum regularly? No. Where did you go on your first train ride? N/A Do you know anyone with a dual citizenship? Most likely. What sports teams do you root for, if any? (Extra points for Boston fans.) None, really. I grew up automatically biased to the Carolina Hurricanes in hockey thanks to Dad, but I don't actually care. Do you dunk your cookies in milk? Oreos, preferably. Others, sometimes. What is something you are confident about? My knowledge of meerkats. Have you ever been physically addicted to a substance? What? I don't really know if this "counts" as it was the product of severe anxiety over vomiting, but in middle school, I would constantly think I was going to be sick and took one Peptobismol literally everyday at school, usually in I think second period when my anxiety was bad enough. It finally ended when we ran out and I had to go without it and I saw I was okay. I was so happy when that shit ended. How do you feel about needles? Eh. The feeling is obviously unpleasant, but they don't bother me much; not at all for tattoos. Getting shots or blood drawn is a bit more "ew" because of the needle's length. But anyway, in general, needles are okay. What is your favorite accent to listen to? Maybe French for women, British for men. Or British for both, idk. What was the reason you last got dressed up? Went job hunting with my VR coach. Have you ever been the subject of cruel rumors? Not really cruel, no. ^ What were they? N/A Do you prefer loose or form-fitting clothing? A bit loose. ^ What about on your preferred gender? I like both men and women, so. I tend to like more form-fitting on women and looser on men. Maybe. Idk actually. But pants. Give me skinny jeans on everyone. What do you do when you are really, really mad? Be WAY too impulsive about what comes out of my mouth. And I cry. Would you rather go naked than wear fur? Omfg don't do this. I guess wear fur. I hate my body too much. But I'd feel absolutely godawful. Do you put a line through your 7's? Yes. ^ What about your Z's? Yes. What is one thing that someone could do to you that is unforgivable? More than anything else, rape. Are you able to forgive and forget? It's rare I'm unable to forgive, but forget? Nope. Do you like cold pizza? Yeah. What is your favorite fruit? Strawberries. Kiwi, too. What about your favorite fruit juice, if it differs from solid fruit? Peach/mango mix. Do you like broccoli and cheese? Oh my god in Heaven, yes. What about potatoes and cheese? Yeah. Have you written a letter by hand, lately? To whom? Not lately. Toaster or toaster oven? I've only ever had a toaster oven. I like how you can see if something is starting to burn, anyway. What are you most known for? Likes meerkats more than she likes 99% of the human population. I keep my worship of Mark Fischfuckface on the down low irl so meerkats win overall. Do you have any reputations? What are they? I don't think so. Do you wear band shirts? Yeah. ^ What band was on the last one you wore? Uh... shit. I think Metallica? It's rare I have to put on "real" clothes now (yes, I stay in pjs all day bc I never leave the house), so idrk. Do you own any hats? Describe them. No. What about masks, you got any? Describe those. No. What was the last thing to leave you speechless? Watching the spire of the Cathedral collapse yesterday. That whole thing broke my heart. I know the serious valuables were saved, but still, there was so much damage to 800 years of incredible art and history. Do your parents like your friends? If they don’t, why not? I have like... one irl, serious friend. They both love him. Have you been called a bad influence? Yes. As if she wasn't an awful one. Describe your favorite pair of socks. They're covered in meerkats. :'D Thanks, big sister. Have you experienced any life-changing news, events, etc, lately? No. Have any self-done piercings? No, not doing that shit. I'm too serious about piercings being done well and in the most hygienic manner. Ever pierced someone else? No, for the same reasons as above. Do you get distracted easily? Holy shit, yes. Is talking to strangers enjoyable for you, or stressful? It's anxiety-inducing as hell. How do you feel about getting new neighbors? Idc. How many ceiling fans are in your home? None. Do you tweet your life away? I don't use it. How do you feel about shameless self promoting? Ever since actually trying to get out in the freelance photography world, I get it, as uncomfortable as it is. HOWEVER, there are absolutely places where doing it is inappropriate. When reading words. like. this. do. you always pause after the periods? Yeah. What about screaming when reading something IN ALL CAPS? Yeah.