#i feel like im fucking up all my relationships cause im a pushover and i have to make things easier for strangers/acquaintances

[cantsaythetword]

Somehow everything that's gone pear shaped ATM is linked back to it being my fault and I'm realising holy shit I really need to be better

[mins-fins]

should've been me.

&&. you're in love with him, that's great! all he's gonna do is use that to his advantage.

pairing: lee donghyuck x m!reader

genre: angst yummy

warnings: um uh.. sexual content??? (like mentions), the stress of friends with benefits, mentions of drinking, this relationship is very unhealthy

word count: 1.3k

notes: stole fwb hyuck from jj im so sorry but hes so………😢 um anyway so yeah he kinda really sucks here but hes so sexy and beautiful and a hashtag #malemanipulator😂 and reader just kinda takes it cause they're pretty pathetic if im being honest 🙏 (im so sorry but its true) (i quite literally wrote this) anyway DONT deal with people who treat you like shit you deserve better than that 🫵 i also wrote this in like 30 minutes at 1 am and river kept pestering me to sleep so thats cool 😆!

you're not exactly sure what your problem is.

you're not exactly sure what donghyuck's problem is either.

maybe the two of you were simply meant for each other, he's a drunk mess in your house and your a sober mess beside him. although compared to him, your better at keeping yourself in check for long enough that it appears your emotionally stable, hyuck is like.. how would you explain it? a ticking time bomb.

renjun calls him that, he's a disaster waiting to happen, even with how much he tries to put on a stupid calm act. yeah, he's smart, much smarter than most people give him credit for, but he is also much more impulsive than he likes to say.

case in point, he's absolutely wasted in your home right now, whining about some stupid thing his seventh fling said or something.

he's absolutely reckless.

the two of you have been a bit.. off for the past few weeks, your very aware that donghyuck is messing with different people, probably trying to get you out of his head after you two yelled at each other like there was no tomorrow.

he just always seems to find his way back to your house, even after all the times you try to turn him away, he always slides his way back into your life, one way or another.

and you always just let him.

you now realize how you seem like a pushover. wow, chenle actually wasn't wrong for once.

your frustrated, he just decides to waltz into your house, after two weeks of ignoring your messages and going around with other people, messing around with other people, staying over at their houses, pretending that you didn't exist, he always thinks he can just get his way.

it's not like you two are dating or anything..

but you hate that it hurts.

"okay— stop screaming" you put your hands up, but donghyuck doesn't stop talking, just lowering the volume of his voice, he just continues talking faster. you close your eyes, taking a deep breath, sometimes you feel more like his mom than his 'friend that's more than a friend but not his partner'.

"donghyuck, you need to— be quiet" you say, you somehow find yourself walking towards him and place your hands onto his shoulders. he has to look up at you to glare at you, and you almost laugh at the fact, you always teased him about it before, but right now he's glaring at you, a look he's shared with you at only certain occasions.

"don't tell me what to do".

"you're in my house!"

"well where else am i supposed to go, y/n? your the one who opened the fucking door anyway!" he retorts, still glaring at you like before. he's not crazy drunk to the point that he's stumbling over his words and talking like a crazy person, but he's also not that sober either.

not like you don't have so many more other people willing to drop down on their knees for you, why don't you just go to any of their houses instead?

that's what you want to say, the words rest on your tongue, itching to escape your lips so you can finally talk about what's been bothering you all this time.

you two aren't dating, you aren't exclusive to each other, your not.. an "item" or whatever, you two just both found something you could use to your advantage, and it's not like there were any rules when it came to you two, you guys had no control over what the other did with other people.

you have no right to be jealous.

so you refrain from saying that, instead biting your tongue and choosing the first thing that comes to your mind. "i didn't let you in, i opened the door, and you stormed into my house, and now you refuse to get out!"

"you're just such a little— bitch".

you'd kiss him if he wasn't being so aggressive at the moment, you can't say that he didn't look absolutely.. well— irresistible in a sense. if you weren't so stubborn, you probably would've pounced on him already.

but you stand your ground.

for once he can't get his way, you'll make sure of it.

"actually, i know what your deal is!" he shouts, accusingly, he walks up to you and points his finger directly in your face. his expression is a mix of pissed off and absolutely smitten, as if he's in love with you and wants to punch you in the face at the same time.

"oh yeah? enlighten me?"

"you're in love with me".

donghyuck leans close to your face when he says it, spitting out the words like they're poisonous, it's like he knows just how much you feel, like he's taking apart the thoughts that have been constantly plaguing your mind one by one.

you laugh, true words, but your not gonna let him know that. you allow your expression to become one of humor, and you raise an eyebrow. "i'm in love with you? please, get over yourself".

donghyuck doesn't falter. "you're just so bothered by the fact that i'm in someone else's bed, that i don't parade around you all the time, you always say you don't mind than get so sad when i'm not giving you a hundred percent attention, you whine like a baby when i'm not here for just a minute".

his tone is a teasing one, he's making fun of you, like he's about to jump at you and destroy all that you love. he wants to see you break, he wants to see you give in, wants to watch as you slowly melt and encapsulate his words, digest them, he wants you to feel every single letter that comes out of his mouth.

it's like he almost finds you funny, in a sense—

but your not that easy to break, so you just let out yet another bitter chuckle. "okay then mr. know it all, why don't you sit down and let me help you sober up?"

"your a coward".

you grit your teeth, he just won't stop fucking talking will he? he just keeps going on and on and on and on, at this point your considering pulling out the duct tape above your cupboard and shutting him up for good, but instead you close your eyes and sigh.

"why is it so hard to say, y/n? are you really that afraid of commitment that the best you can do is friends that occasionally mess around with each other?"

"donghyuck" you drag your teeth against each other. "if you don't shut up i swear to god i'm throwing you out of this house and making you sleep in the freezing cold".

it's an actual threat, not an empty one, donghyuck knows you well enough that he can tell the difference. so, stubbornly, he sits down, arms crossed over his chest.

your not sure why you always end up taking care of him, he didn't ask for you to, he just wanted to stupidly sulk on your couch, attempting to "calm" his mind after he screamed at you, staying silent after he basically read out all your inner most thoughts to you, like he just reached into your mind and pulled out all the things you'd been thinking.

"you always get so talkative when you drink".

you've gotten much used to ignoring how much you hurt when donghyuck yells at you, it's all become a little thing between you two, you argue, you sleep with each other, you forget it the next day, then go exactly back to that.

it's not healthy for either of you, clearly, it's more of destroying you than anything, but you don't even try to negotiate with him, just let him sit there as you contemplate, standing at your kitchen counter.

"i hate you" you mutter, instinctively cracking your knuckles as you say those words.

and yeah— maybe you do say that,

but your always gonna end up right beside him in the end.

[justscreamingnothing]

what ultimately grinds my gears is feeling like i’m putting in so much effort and others aren’t. like why not call me, check up on me? why’s it feel like my efforts worth nothing? i think of my friendship, how much i try to check up on them and hang out with them and hold space and make sure they’re comfortable, all to feel like i’ve been left behind for their relationships. and i think of this guy and how he won’t check up and how i can’t bear the emotional brunt of myself all the time. i know i need therapy too but damn, i want someone near me to truly share everything with, this year has shown me that.

i know my friends don’t mean to abandon me, but i guess that’s just what happens when you’re in a relationship. you’re very focused on the other person and things like friendships just become less of a priority. maybe i’ll get it someday. but it doesn’t make me feel any better. i can’t handle being alone all the time anymore if im gonna be honest with myself. it’s just a lot. i don’t feel that thrill of independent freedom anymore. i mean yes- i love being independent! but i need someone to share life with. someone to help me out at the end of the day and help me feel like i’m not carrying it all by myself.

i just got stuck in charlotte overnight which fucking sucked cause i wasted a whole day traveling and am still going to be late to my friends birthday celebration. they put me up in a hotel and all i could do was cry and wish i had someone there with me to vent to and be stressed with and ultimately decide to make a little adventure out of it. i’ve never underestimated how lucky i am sometimes to even have the opportunity to be alone, especially growing up the way i did with my parents. i’ll never undervalue that. i also value connections outside of relationships, i mean i have to considering i’ve never been in a relationship, but still it’s like none of that feels relevant when im so alone and so in need of support.

i’m beyond sick and tired of people telling me to wait or to not try too hard to be in a relationship. i’ve waited fucking long enough, i’ve waited longer than most people will ever have to! and if i were trying too hard i would already be in a relationship. there were years where i didn’t date at all, and guess what? i wasn’t getting any suitors at my door either. why is it ok for everyone else to date and look for love and want to be in a relationship but when i do it im “forcing it”?? why don’t i get to be like everyone else? why haven’t i gotten that love and affection from anyone? am i too nice, too much of. a pushover? should i be meaner so people have to vie for my love?

i just want to be myself and find someone who likes me the exact way i am, and for me to like them back the same. for us to really have a chance to fall deeply in love. for them to check up on me to see if im doing well! i don’t think that’s a big ask everyone else has done it!!

ugh now i’m crying and sad on the way to this cabin. hopefully i can salvage the rest of this long (cut short) weekend.

[weasleypogues]

fight club (p.h.)

request: hii can i request smth angsty with pope ? maybe it could end well for both the reader and him but overall it’s just filled with angst and slow burn and tension ? ty xx

ofc lovieee!!! loving this pope recognition finally!! :)

this will be a two part becuause this was longer than i expected!!! part 2 here!!!

masterlist.

you literally felt like you could not sit still. anger was pulsating through your veins as you paced back and forth on the porch of the chateau. you also felt the piercing eyes of pope follow you back and forth as you struggled to form a cohesive sentence.

“it’s just- ugh! she can’t get away with this! she thinks because she’s a kook that i’ll be begging for her forigveness and shit like i’m a starving peasant just to save my reputation! i’m a fucking pogue, i don’t have a reputation to uphold!” you spat as your hands clenched together so hard you swear you were going to accidentally draw blood from your palms.

vanessa was a kook that you never had problems with when you were kids because you two had a friendship that was secretive and playful because of opposing groups. it wasn’t until middle school was when she ditched you, similar to kie and sarah’s relationship. thankfully for them, they sorted it out. however, vanessa was bitter and bitchy every chance she could get. 

“yes (y/n)! keep it fiesty! i wanna see you win a good cat fight.” jj egged you on.

“you’re gonna make yourself go crazy if you don’t just sit down.” pope spoke in a sterner tone than you would have expected. but as the rage filled you from vanessa, pope’s tone was not helping. you felt a tinge of hurt in your chest as he expressed his clear stress and annoyance with you. but you weren’t going to let it go that easily; not in this state.

“i’m fine just the way i am, thanks.” you responded just as passive-aggressively as he did. you literally had to restrain yourself from rolling your eyes so you wouldn’t egg this on, because the last thing you needed was for pope of all people to be on your bad side. 

you heard him scoff from behind you and his footsteps faded away. you spun around so quickly, maybe even too quickly to play it cool, to just see a flash of him as he turned the corner. your eyes flashed to john b, kie, and jj who had expressions that were just as shocked as your own.

“what’s his problem?” you asked, expecting an answer real quick before you had to go investigate it yourself. your teeth grinded against each other and you felt your face and ears go hot. 

“he probably just doesn’t think this is worth it (y/n/n).” kiara stated, trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and giving you a look that said don’t let it get to you. kiara shared a quick glance with john b and jj, which definitely did not go unnoticed by you.

“w-what was that? that little look you three shared?” you asked pointing your finger at them interchangeably and confused but angrily eager to find out. you raised your eyebrows, expecting another speedy answer as you finally turned towards jj who held his hands up in defense and bit his tongue. 

“cut pope some slack. you’ve been looking for trouble lately (y/n), it’s been keeping him on edge each time.” john b responded and slapped his hands on this thighs before getting up off the couch. you felt your cheeks get a little hot and your jaw drop slightly.

pope was trying to be protective of you. this was not a secret that you and pope were always flirty with each other but neither of you ever acted on it. both keeping the same sad mindset, if they wanted to, they would. everytime you talked about this with kiara and sarah at a girls’ night, they playfully judged you for thinking like that and tried to encourage you to just go for it. 

you took a deep inhale and relaxed your shoulders and face, feeling the tension ease up on your body. “she’s asking for it...look i don’t want to make pope upset or anything but vanessa can’t keep pulling this shit. she’s asking for her teeth to get knocked in.” you huffed out as you grabbed your backpack and phone to hop on your bike and head home. 

--

your grabbed your phone and backpack as you headed back outside to your bike. you didn’t even bother to text the rest of the group about catching a ride to tonights kegger because you were just a little fired up from earlier. they were your friends and if this were any other case, they would be backing you up. why is this time any different?

you’re recalling yourself getting ready. stud earrings because she can grab hold of hoops. your hair in two braids because there was less surface area for her to snatch onto. sneakers to make a run for it in case shit gets bad. 

what the rest of them don’t understand is that not only was vanessa mean, spoiled, and made your existence on the obx difficult, was that you had a bumpy past with her. more than just losing a friend. she made up a rumor based on fake ideas that she overheard her parents talking about. when she would run into you on the street with her other kook friends at the ripe age of 13, she would be a bystander as they spat insults your way. that always caused a strain in your friendship. 

until one day, she started the picking on first. she judged you on your family’s financial situation and said quote-by-quote “i heard her mom cheats on her dad with all of her little pogue friend’s dads. who knows, they could actually be related and we wouldn’t know. she’s a whore and i’m sure she’ll end up just like her.” tears still brim your eyes at that memory. you wouldn’t dare tell the rest of the pogues, whether it was out of embarassment or fear. it was best for them and their own minds that it was never brought up again. since then, it seems like constant torture from her. 

you pulled up on the beach and hopped off your bike as your tires were definitely not made for the sand. you laid it on a tree and made a b-line to the keg that john b was basically guarding. “thought we’d hear from you.” you heard kiara state as she sat on the sand and glanced up at you, squinting her eyes to keep the remaining sun from basically burning them.

“yeah well, just got a lot on my mind.” you responded. you didn’t want to be so abrupt with them but your blood was basically boiling with the idea of vanessa. john b stared between you and kiara and handed you a full red solo cup which you gladly took, taking a gulp.

“soooo...” jj started, throwing an arm around your shoulder, “cat fight tonight?” you felt a chuckle rise out of you as you playfully rolled your eyes.

“if you’re lucky enough, maybe you’ll get front row.” you joked, sending a smirk jj’s way and taking another gulp. you felt a presence behind you and turned to be faced with pope. his facial expression had clearly changed from what you saw from him last time. he looked almost guilty and concerned rather than aggravated. 

“come to snap at me again?” you said, turning towards the horizon on the water. looking into his eyes right now was difficult. maybe because it was the idea that you knew some part of you wanted to snap at him for him snapping at you earlier but you couldn’t make another enemy. not tonight. 

“about that...can i actually talk to you for a minute?” pope muttered, instincitvely cracking his knuckles, clearly scared to tread on water. you felt your shoulders relax and your facial muscles follow suit. placing your drink and backpack on the ground you followed a few paces behind him, closer to the sand where the tide was rolling in. although he didn’t stop, he wanted this to be a walk and talk situation. 

you strolled beside him, both of your hands slightly brushing against each other every now and then. while neither of you took initiative to grab the others’ hand, neither of you pulled your hands out of that pathway either. that connection and touch felt nice. it was reassuring that his snappiness, along with your own, was out of love and protection of each other. 

“you won’t be happy with what i’m about to say...” pope started, basically holding his breath.

“so why say it, pope? i know it sounds bad to say outloud but, why not just let me fight her? she has made my existence so unbearably difficult on this island and has slandered my name and countless others of those i love too much and for too long. i’m sick of being a pushover and letting her get away with it because of mommy and daddy’s money. im done!” you blurted out, letting more info out than you expected. “why does it bother you so much? if this was topper and john b going at it, or rafe and jj? which keep in mind, both have actually happened, i’m sure you would be more hesitant to stop them.”

your strolling came to a sudden halt as pope took a step directly in front of you, face to face. he looked longingly into your eyes, somewhat darting back and forth between your own eyes to search for an answer to his questions or even an answer to yours. 

“(y/n)! i can’t see you get hurt. i know how badly you want to do this and how much it means to you but in the end, what is it going to get you? an even worse reputation among kooks, bloody nose, and a black eye? is it worth it?” pope rambled drasticaly. 

“it is worth it! and i’m so thankful that you care about me and my well being and everything in between but this is something that i have to do. once and for all. i’m not putting myself and everyone i love through this torture anymore. and if that means beating the shit out of her and getting a bloody lip and battered up on the way, than so be it!” you responded, using your hands quite animatedly throughout the performance. the waves seemed like the loudest thing on earth as you awaited an answer from pope. he looked defeated and anxious, knowing that there was no getting through to you for this. 

“i-” pope started before cutting himself off, looking deafeated yet again. he ran his hands over his face in frustration and as he let his eyes shine over the tips of his fingers, they locked with yours. you felt stuck in place and in a trance for a split second before you felt a pair of hands on your waist and soon enough, you were lip locked with pope. 

instantly you pulled away, your heart feeling full and your legs feeling limp. your hands made their way to his jawline, slightly caressing his cheeks and neck as you pulled him back into the kiss, elongating it. 

he pulled away, shocked yet proud with himself. you could not help the small smile that made it’s way onto your face as your cheeks felt hot immediately. “i can’t believe i’m saying this but...fuck it. beat the shit out of vanessa.” 

the small smile grew as a laugh escaped your lips. you were quick to grab his hand as you both made your way back towards the kegger that was becoming a little more dense as the minutes passed. sarah, kiara, jj, and john b’s eyes were quick to fall on your interlocked hands with pope. both of you kept quiet, playing it nonchalantly. but you couldn’t help but notice pope’s look to john b and jj, all with smirks lined up on their faces.

part two out later!! :) 

[rippingattheseams]

(this is a really long and messy vent post so like feel free to ignore this i just want to write whats going on in hopes of it making me feel better)

okay so yesterday was my first day of this stressful summer camp thing i have to do for a scholarship program and it’s literally just school in the middle of june and after freaking out abt it enough it turns out my grandma, who ofc is the only one besides my brother who doesnt seem to forget i’m there likely has stage 5 kidney failure (which is fatal) and i’m probably gonna have to go and see her within a week and the only death i’ve experienced of someone close to me is my dog when i was 9 and i forgot how awful it feels. i also was talking to my only friend about stuff because i’m getting my fourth therapist after finally starting to kinda open up to the last one but now she’s also leaving (she should be back in fall cause she’s having her kid but it still sucks cause i was starting to feel okay with her) and even though i never was able to tell her a lot of going on and she never gave advice she just let me vent, i still don’t want to see another one but back to the original point me and my friend were on ft and i found two of my old diaries from 1st grade and 3-5th grade and although it was mostly funny cause i was a fucked up kid who did fucked up things and couldn’t spell (and still can’t tbh) some of it was depressing especially considering how young i was. there was stuff about how i was so lonely and you could tell just by how much i wrote about this friend that i really relied on her for so much and not really in the venting kind of way i just liked her so much cause she was the only one who didn’t judge me or leave me. i didn’t have many friends throughout elementary and none of them except for her talk to me now. i finally opened up to her about why i loved going to her house so much as a child and why i still feel so emotionally attached to her family despite them not really liking me anymore. as a kid my household sucked tbh. i remember going to her house for the first time and got confused on why they all ate dinner together and didn’t go off to their rooms. up until a littoe over a year ago i’ve never really had a family dinner (and now it’s just my mom making me sit with her in the living room cause after she found out i was cutting in 7th grade she wanted to keep an eye on me and we just watch tv now and eat which isn’t that bad cause i have a good relationship with her now) but my parents always fought, often physically, and my dad was always drinking and my mom was constantly tired. it’s still the same but without as much fighting, which ofc i’m grateful for, but i still hold so much resentment towards my dad mostly, but my mom too. my dad really does love me, and i know it, and it genuinely hurts him when im annoyed or angry with him. i feel so guilty but he was so awful to me and blamed me for a lot, and still does, and is narcissistic and has awful anger issues. in the last year or so ive really started to realize that this isn’t normal. my childhood consisted of so much and i just thought everybody went through it. i want to truly love my dad again but everytime he actually does or says something decent it just makes me remember all of the shitty things he did to me and my mom. going back to my friend i keep bringing up, i was always so jealous of her. her family really loved her, she has a sibling who actually lived with her and cared about her, teachers loved her, other kids did, her house was nice and everything worked, she was skinny, she was pretty, she lived in a nice neighborhood with other kids in her neighborhood she got to play with. i always wondered why i was never able to experience it. i still do. i mean i don’t want to just sit here and feel sorry for myself, but sometimes that’s really all i have the energy to do. everytime i think i’m finally getting better, this happens again. i was also in the internet way too young, and got groomed too many times. a lot of older men were creepy to me irl too. i’m starting to see how its affecting me now and how i’m like hypersexual until anything remotely intimate happens to me, even if it’s as small as a hug from family, and it makes me so

uncomfortable. i don’t even remember getting “the talk” i just knew everything from the interne. i even got porn bots sending me explicit shit in the 3rd grade. my friend was the best thing that ever happened to me, if i’m being honest. i was an awful friend to her because i’d randomly get mad at her for not doing anything and would stop talking to her. i was like a stereotypical toxic friend all through elementary and i’m still not sure why. i would randomly cut her off but every time i apologized cause i realized she was the only one i had left, she’d always accept. she honestly shouldn’t of, because i didn’t deserve it. she was always a pushover and i was always the pusher (for lack of a better word lmao) but i haven’t done anything like that to her in years. it’s embarrassing but i’m glad she did end up sticking through it with me since if we weren’t friends now, i probably wouldn’t be here. she is quite literally the reason i stopped halfway through my attempt in 7th grade. i couldn’t lose her and i knew i couldn’t do this to her. i was only ever mean to her in elem cause i never knew normalcy and just wanted to be like the popular kids and so i would try and mimic them to make myself less weird. it never worked, obviously, but honestly the fact that she put up with my bs for so long is a miracle.

[hoplessdreamer9796]

BTS 8th Member - Your Friends

Best Friends: Kim Hanbin (B.I from Ikon. (Pretend he’s still in Ikon and YG didn’t snake one of their best artists.) Your mothers are best friends and so when you moved to Korea, he was the only person you knew so you clung to each other. He was also one of your best friends through high school. He is your best friend and you both have always been there for each other. The both of you tried alcohol for the first time together, which you stole from his father’s liquor cabinet. Were there for each other’s first relationships and first heartbreaks. You were there for his parents’ divorce at 12 (I made this up idk if it’s true). You ditched classes and went to go sit on the roof of your apartment building to talk about your futures together. His aspirations for music and yours to live peacefully. In your friendship group he is the grandfather that clings to his youth. He hates any physical activities other than mountain hiking but loves going on nights out. You both even got matching tattoos as soon as it was legal, and it will be explained later. “You can’t push me away Y/N! So, get angry, scream and shout but I’m not going anywhere! I’m your best friend that shit doesn’t work on me!”) Park Shinhye (Despite your age difference you two are best friends, you consider each other sisters. Grew close because you both work in the entertainment industry but both don’t have girls around you, you by being in BTS and her by being an actress so when you both met at an award show soon after BTS debuted you clicked. You both were there for each other threw everything. She’s one of your best friends and you often have movie nights when you’re both free. She cried for you when BTS won a daesang for the first time, that moment went viral. BTS walked off the stage, and were still visible by fans but near backstage, and you two ran at each other like dramatic losers as she was crying more than you were and you were both shouting at each other to stop crying while continuing to hug. Fans love that moment and your friendship. She often states that you are her best friend both in this industry and in life. “I never really thought it was possible to connect to someone like that. But I honestly think that in another life we were sisters.”) Min Sooah (Best friend from high school is your secretary, for now, and is one of your pillars. You would not be able to function without her. There’s an ongoing joke that she is basically your mother, you worry her to no end. She is very grateful to you. After her father broke his hip and was not able to continue working, she had to drop out of university to go to work. You gave her the job as your secretary despite her not being qualified. You needed someone you trusted, and you knew she would work hard. Now she is one of the most important people in your company. She is the Dad of the group always complaining about how “I gave up my youth to look after you brats and none of you have time to spend with me? Okay I see how it is. Daehyun this is your influence on them!”) Ok Hwayoung (Best friend from high school now she is your personal shopper. After university she became a personal shopper, and you thanked the sky’s because she chooses all of your clothes to pack when traveling or when you have formal business meetings. You like buying clothes but you hate the process of shopping and trying things on, so you tell her what pieces you want, and she’ll get it. She also organises your wardrobe ‘cause she’s OCD like that. She also is a hopeless romantic and is constantly trying to talk you and Hangyeol into giving up your partying lifestyle because, “How are we supposed to have a group wedding if you don’t let yourselves find the ones you idiots?!”) Lee Hangyeol (Best friend from high school he owns a mechanics and auto repair shop and he is the only one you trust with you cars. He is also the only one of your best friends who encourages you attitude towards your love life as he is also not into committed relationships. You're both each other’s wingmen. You guys are basically the epitome of lads’ lads when around each other. You’re the loud, annoying people in a bar gassing each other up to chug your drinks down. Whenever one wants to go on a night out the other is always down. “Who needs a relationship? Tequila is just as good. Gives me a fun night and then when the fun wears off it give me a headache and regrets. That’s basically a relationship.”) Tae Daehyun (Best friend from high school he works as a pd on tv shows mainly running man. He was also on the track team back in high school. The two of you often go out on runs together. After seeing what the industry is like behind the camera, he worries a lot for you. Especially since he knows no matter how crappy you feel you’d rather down the nearest bottle of alcohol than talk about it. So, he always tries to let you know if you need to talk, he’s there. Also hates how much you and Hangyeol drink and always tries to make sure you guys eat a proper meal before going out and drinking. He’s also the one in your friend group who can be bothered to cook, he got so offended when he found out you hired a personal chef but then he tasted her food and is okay with it. He’s the Mum of the group. “What the hell is wrong with you all? You can’t throw a knife at the apple on his his head! Are you crazy? See this is what I have to deal with Sooah. But if you weren’t so busy working, you’d know that!”) Ryeo Chungae (Best friend from high school and she works on the public relations for your company. When she first joined your company, she always felt like she got the job because she’s your friend, but you wouldn’t have given her the job if you didn’t think she could do it. She went through a hard time when her boyfriend cheated on her with her old boss. Instead of being scared of falling in love again she wants love. Trying to convince you and Hangyeol that it’s is amazing when secretly she is glad that you won’t be able to get hurt. She is a pushover in all aspects of life except for work. When it comes to work, she is a force to be reckoned with. So instead of staying at her old job with her boss she resigned after making a scene about the boss sleeping with her boyfriend which got said boss fired. When she is with all of your friends, she is also very outspoken and opinionated. However, when it comes to people she isn’t comfortable with her anxiety acts up. You and all your friends are protective of her in situations where her anxiety gets bad. Her ideal life is a Hallmark movie. “One day I’m gunna meet the man of my dreams. He’s gunna be tall and handsome and most importantly he’ll take me away from all of you dumbass motherfuckers.”) Hak Daeho (Best friend from high school he works at Songsun’s shop as and is in charge of customising cars. He is the one that never wants to go out and always wants to stay home. He prefers a night in with his friends than at some stupid club where Y/N and Hangyeol ditch a half hour after arriving, most of the time. He doesn’t have the best relationship with his family after they found out he didn’t want to become a lawyer like his parents and siblings. His parents kicked him out and cut him off. Y/N payed for his college tuition even though he protested, you just said it was a loan and that he can pay you back someday. However, after he had been able to save up to pay you back you told him to shut up and buy a damn apartment which is what he did. Thanking the universes for his friends. He stayed in an apartment with Hwayoung, Daehyun and Chungae during college and no matter how many times he couldn’t pay rent his friends always had his back. It also helped that every time you visited you stocked the fridge and freezer. He thinks of you all as family more than he does of his own family. “You guys are a bunch of fucking idiots. Like you’re my family but damn you guys are stupid.”) Park Soomi (Best friend from high school. She is the most subscribed to female Korean youtuber with 11 million subscribers. She is also and ambassador for Jeonsa cosmetics although at first, she didn’t want to be as she felt like it would be using her friendship with you to her advantage. However, after you convinced her to accept, she did. You also knew that you could trust her since she has always been honest with you and never expects anything from you. You also knew that she would be advantageous for your company so it’s not like you’re just giving her money your promoting your company through her brand. After you explained this she reluctantly agreed. She is the loud, chaotic crackhead of the group. Constantly doing dumb shit. “Hey guys my pineapple was being difficult long story short we no longer have a microwave.”) Im Kyungmin (Best friend from high school, he is a part of Soul & Bones, a hip-hop and house dance crew. When you were younger all of your friends would go to his contests. Everything you learned about dancing you learned from watching that crew. You always loved the way their dancing looked and the atmosphere they created. But you were realistic with your situation knowing you’d never get to dance. When Bang pd wanted you to be a trainee you were hesitant, but he practically dragged you to that audition. And during trainee days he helped you with your dancing. He says your better than him now, but you know you’re not. Soon after you became a billionaire Soul & Bones were set to end. Their investor pulled out and most dance crews are under entertainment companies unlike soul & Bones. Kyungmin was devastated, Soul & Bones was his whole life. So, when you decided to fund it he was conflicted. On one hand he was thankful and on the other hand he was guilty. But after you told him what the crew meant to you, how you were also friends with everyone else in the crew and couldn’t let it end when you could do something about it he was on board. You however made it clear you don’t own Soul & Bones you just pay for things. Now it is considered the best hip-hop dance crew in Korea and one of the best in the world. He is the one in your group who seems high most of the time but isn’t. “I think that pizza is thinking shit about me... I’m gunna eat it not ‘cause I want to but because it needs to die!”) Close Friends: Mark Tuan (You met at a BTS and Got7 collaboration for and you both clicked immediately because you were both from western countries, you were both raised in similar cultures so you had become close friends easily. It is also less lonely when you both miss your home countries if you’re around each other. It was surprising because your personalities are the opposite, but you bring him out of his shell. Whenever you guys meet you always speak in English and it’s a relief for both of you since it is your first language no matter how long you’re in Korea. You both also relate on how different your home countries’ standards are compared to Korea in terms of public image, behaviour and many other things. It’s very easy to be your true selves around each other. ) Choi Youngjae (You guys are the same age so you clicked easily. Even though you’re closer to Mark you’re still close to Youngjae. The guy is literal sunshine it hard not to like him. There is also a group of idols born in 1996 who he is a part of.) BTS and Got7 are both close to each other so you are friendly with all the members. But you are the closest with Mark. Woo Jiho (Zico. You both met when BTS and Block B did a collaboration at mama. Namjoon and him knew each other but they weren’t that close, so it was unexpected when you and he hit it off. You are both close friends and hang out when you can. He often asks for your opinion with his music and the two of you once spent an entire night just messing around in the studio. He says that you are one of the only people to get him to take a break, when he’s in work mode, and to have some fun. Clubbing isn’t really his scene so you and Jaemin often have to beg him to go out drinking with you guys. He used to have feelings for you but after some time in the friendzone he realised he is okay with you not having feelings for him as long as you are in his life. No one knows about the feelings he had for you.) Lee Jaemin (A YouTuber who has 7 million subscribers. The two of you met through Jiho and got along very well because you both like alcohol and clubbing. However, he maintains a clean public image, so your company is fine with you being seen in public together. Your members aren’t very fond of him since the time he showed up at the dorm drunk looking for you and threw up in a plant. They think he is a bad influence, but you know what he was going through and know he’s a good person. He feels like he can be himself around you without feeling judged. Yoongi really hates him and the friendship you two have.) Kang Yujin (She is an Instagram model who has 18 million followers and 2 million subscribers on YouTube. She met you and Jiho through Jaemin. However, once the public found out about your friendship many thought she was using you in order to work with Jeonsa cosmetics. But you knew this wasn’t true. Yujin was the kind of person to drive to McDonald's for you at three in the morning when you had a nightmare about your father and wouldn’t tell her what it was about. The kind of person to kill spiders for you even though she’s scared of bugs too. And due to the public’s reaction, she was scared you would end up thinking the same of her. You told her how you knew what kind of person she was and in order to make a statement to the public you both posted a photo together on her Instagram announcing her endorsing your company. She is a very close friend and an older sister figure to you.) You, Zico, Jaemin and Yujin often go bowling together or go out to eat and are also drinking buddies you are very close to them. The four of you are often spotted in public together. Kang Seungyoon (You both met through Hanbin and both of your personalities go very well together. Musically you both also mesh very well together. You both also often play pool together and he gets triggered at how he’s played longer but you kick his ass at it. Whenever you both have the time you go out for food and drinks and spend all nigh playing pool and all night, he complains that you’re a cheater and he won’t stand for it. He’s a very good friend.) Kim Jisoo (You met her first, soon after they debuted, in the bathroom. The two of you clicked and then you met the rest of the group through her. It was easy to become friends with them due to BTS and Blackpink both being at the top of K-pop, so you were a lot more understanding of each other’s situations. She is a very close friend of yours and is an older sister figure to you. She always gets excited when you send her the new launches of Jeonsa cosmetics and does vlives talking about it.) Kim Jennie (Despite Jennie being introverted you charmed her during your first conversation. She found it very easy to talk to you despite being slightly nervous and you were her sunbae. She was surprised how easy it was to talk to you. You are a people person, and she is not so like most other extroverts she’s met she thought you would clash but surprisingly your personalities match very well. You bring out the fun in her.) Lalisa Manobal (Lisa. She looks up to you a lot in terms of your dancing. She is very clingy towards you when you meet, and you love her crackhead energy. You learnt to speak Thai early after BTS’ debut, this made Lisa feel like she could connect to you on a deeper level. You have also helped her with the racist side of K-pop, her being Thai and you being half Arabic you’re both no stranger to how harsh netizens are. As you have been going through it for longer than her you are able to comfort her (kind of because you’re emotionally stupid but you try and push that aside for your friend).) Park Chaeyoung (Rose. She was also born in a western country so when she met you it helped her feel less homesick. You both often talk about childhood TV shows together and relate to each other when people talk about Korean things from their childhood that you have no idea about. Even though you’re from different places it’s nice having someone who understands the difficulties of moving from western culture to eastern.) Kwon Jiyong (Gdragon. You guys met backstage at an award show when BTS and Bigbang met. The groups are casual with each other, but you and he became very close especially because you’re friends with many YG artists. You also both like to party a lot and often go out together. He views you as a very close friend and is often nagging at you to eat and rest properly You try and hang out whenever you both have time.) Matthew Kim (BM. You two met during an inkigayo. He got lost and was swearing in English. So, you approached him and asked in English if he was okay. You helped him find his way back to his dressing room. He knew who you were and that you were British as BTS was well known then. However, he was expecting you to be arrogant and was pleasantly surprised with how nice you were. You and he got along well as you have similar personalities. Both extroverted. The two of you also quickly found out about your shared love of partying and clubbing and now you often go out together.) Peniel Shin, Ashley Choi, Amber Liu, Stephanie Young Hwang (These are some of your other western born K-pop friends.) Red velvet (You are good friends with the group mainly Joy as you are the same age. You, them and Blackpink try to go out together when you can. Irene is also very protective over you and sees you like a little sister.) Park Chanyeol (You have very similar attitudes you were good acquaintances but then you both worked together on the Goblin ost (Pretend it was you instead of Punch p.s I love that song so fucking much.) He always tries convincing you to let him drive your cars and you always say no. He’s a very fun person and you guys have a good laugh together.) You’re friendly with the rest of the Exo members but the closest to Chanyeol. Your best friends are: Hanbin, Shinhye, and all of your friends from high school. However, you are still close with the rest of your friends.

[multifandomhellhole]

hmmm I know you don't really like miraculous buuuut since you recently finished it how was your thoughts on the main duo?? - your secret bestie

AHAHAAH hey luv!!!!

ok so as you know I hate kiddish shows and anything non depressing... but im kinda warming up to the show enough to not immediately puke at the name.

marinette- at first hated her, such a pushover like comon bitch just punch chloe already, also adrien was the best you could do??? you had a pretty stripper cat practically on his knees for you and you choose the fucking blandest guy in your school??? also jesus christ so creepy... stalking him, monitoring all outside friendships... just let the boy be a kid Man!!!

ladybug- ok now shes kinda cool... definitely dom material and the way she has no problem being cold to chat is just YES. wish she was always this assertive. her outfit tho...ew.( lowkey loves when she calls chat good kitty, wish I was her at times aaaa)

adrien- very...bland. ok hes not a bad character he was just super boring, can he always be a good kitty???. I mean I like his and ninos relationship and his whole dad being hawkmoth is entertaining.

CHAT NOIR- ok im biased... sexy leather black kitty with a bell collar, pole for a weapon, leather suit, and PURRS WHEN SCRATCHED, YES MOTHER FUCKING PLEASE!!!!! busted so many love nuts watching and lowkey was drooling every time he came onto screen, (plzzzzz I need to write a corruption pegging story but Im SOOOO LAZYYY AAAA) fuck please hes so adorable and cute Im in love. hes such bottom material and would be such a cute sub!!!!! I can't with him. ( AND BITCH THE BLACK LIPSTICK!!!!!)

tbf you warned me about the cute cat boy like I didn't believe you cause it sounded too good to be true but now my heart can't take it its a blessing and a cursed seeing how ladybug gets to pet and kiss him argggh)

still can't believe you called me marionette like I feel so called out T_T

[burnedbyshoto]

Somethings I feel like you have split personality. I see you really nice somethings and welcoming and awesome and I think I want to be your friend and I admire you. Then another time I see you lose it completely and just snap at someone even for a simple mistake and just tear them apart and I think "who is that person" and idk if you're noticed that about yourself but yeah....

maybe it’s because my campus just emailed us saying it’s shutting down after spring break and i’m in this weird anxious ball that I feel like I want to reply to this even though it could have been buried in my askbox.

(these were my test results for the big 5 personality test, just in case you really wanna delve into who i am as a person LOL)

anyways I think it’s pretty interesting about what you say about your observances on me because I don’t think you’re wrong in the slightest. I am a very nice, caring and nurturing person. i’m the oldest and eldest daughter in an immigrant mexican family. it’s been drilled into me to be that way. without trying to seem... braggy or egocentric??? I guess??? I think i’m a very fun person to be around because i’m always on the move and can make both extroverts, ambiverts, and introverts feel comfortable!!! (in middle and high school I was known for basically transforming shy kids into very loud and boisterous people). i’m welcoming and kind because I feel that everyone deserve kindness, everyone deserves to be treated with compassion and sweetness and love!

but people seem to forget that while I am this bubbly idiot who is annoyingly loud, trying to be the mom friend of the group (although i’m definitely more of the wanna be mom friend), I am a very observant, calculating, and albeit limited on patience person. i have a sharp tongue, i cuss so much that people find it weird when i don’t cuss, and i’m a very calm and collected person. i don’t jump to conclusions very often — because even i sometimes crack under monumentous emotions and stress — and tend to come off as unemotional because of it sometimes. I have pretty damn great intuitions of people in terms of their relationship to me. it takes one interaction for me to figure out whether or not we can be friends — and honestly it hasn’t worked out on the internet as easily as it does irl but that’s okay! I see things, I notice things, and by all means i’m fiercely loyal and don’t truly believe in second chances (to explain second chances I mean for seriously big issues. so like if I catch you talking mad shit about me behind my back you’re not worth it to me so I won’t bother with you anymore. there’s no logical reasoning behind actions like that. but if you were like keeping secrets from me because you felt insecure about what I would say and it caused a fight i’d forgive you because that’s something worth figuring out — if that’s something they want to figure out as well!)

because of these moral and ethical conditions of mine, and because I will literally die for the people I love with my sharp tongued persona — which again is shown in my welcoming and kind presence, it’s just ignored because I am a loud blubbering idiot for fun. I am kind, I am welcoming, but i’m no pushover and i’m not afraid of how I come off because in the end I do feel like my feelings are justified.

honestly though, i’m not really sure what i’ve snapped into for a tiny little mistake??? sorry I don’t mean to be rude or anything of that manner, i’m just genuinely curious as to when i’ve snapped like that here??? the only time i’ve had an issue here was surrounding the server which deals with a lot of background information. background information that I cannot fill you in on when you don’t experience it all for yourself on my server but only read about it for yourself be it on my blog or through the mouth or words of someone else. you must also remember that i’m an admin and there’s a bunch of things going on behind the scenes that we don’t always share because some information just isn’t worth sharing because it has nothing to do with you. and people be bringing bs drama to my askbox instead of dming me on discord like I say they should, choosing to instead bring private details to public light and except me to just take it??? nah that’s not me, especially since those words attack more than just me. I can deal with people not liking me, it happens, it’s life, but I don’t like when my friends get slandered. it’s just who i am.

but yeah... how I see it is that I don’t tear into people unless they’ve done something to someone I value highly in my life, or because they’ve screwed up entirely so.

i’m sorry you’ve come to think of me as an angel and this horrific demon, it was never my intention! I do my best with what I can and hell if you think I dont see how I am as a person I can confidentially assure you that i am aware of a lot of my flaws. I know that my reasonings and feelings above are flawed — I am 100% aware! but at the same time I don’t feel the need to change right now because not only does it work for me, but frankly I don’t think I deserve to be torn into and just take it. i’m a “popular blog” sure, but i’m not some prized animal for anons to try and take down and hang on their walls like some trophy.

oh and also!!! i am suspectible hangry and “im too fucking tired for this” moodswings which do very much sour my personality!

[ashflynns]

☄〔 HUNTER SCHAFER, TWENTY ONE, TRANS FEMALE, DREAM TRAVEL 〕╰ ASHLEY FLYNN just came over half - blood hill . you know , the child of HYPNOS who was claimed two months ago ? i’ve heard chiron say that she is PLAYFUL & EMPATHETIC , but if you ask the aphrodite kids , they’d say she’s LAZY & TACTLESS . i’d say they remind me of sleepy smiles and under-eye bags, messy buns and an unmade bed, running from your problems with bare feet & trying to hard to keep your friends but losing them anyway, especially since she’s FOR THE NEW CABINS . ( ✎ joey , 24 , she/her , bst . )

*insert nice graphic here aka for the love of god someone find me a photoshop link*

hi! its your resident sea witch joey here ready to bombard you with an encyclopedic knowledge of the greek pantheon and uk criminal law?? i guess??? if u dont already know, i’m the one with six (6) cats. i combined my task and intro because im LAZY and bad at intros so i’ll use paige’s stats as a crutch whoops. ash is the lazy laid-back stoner friend everyone needs. she has no trauma because she DOESN’t DESERVE IT so maybe the real trauma will be the friends we make along the way.

𝕓𝕒𝕤𝕚𝕔𝕤 .

name :  ashley finn

nicknames : ash, whatever cute names u wanna give her

birth date :  4th february (aquarius squad speak up!)

gender :  trans female

pronouns :  she/her

ethnicity : white

nationality : irish american

hometown : ?? idk american towns SUE ME but she’s from SOMEWHERE in oregon

demigod abilities : sleep manipulation, dream manipulation, dream travel

cabin number & godly parent :  cabin fifteen, hypnos

how did their godly parent meet their mortal parent? :  hlhglkhg so i thought it’d be funny if they met when ash’s mum participated in a sleep research study. i think i’m hilarious.

𝕞𝕦𝕤𝕖 𝕒𝕡𝕡𝕖𝕒𝕣𝕒𝕟𝕔𝕖 .

faceclaim : hunter schafer

height :  5′11″

hair colour : blonde

eye colour : blue/green.

dominant hand : leftie!

distinguishing features : her hair’s actually super curly she just straightens it a lot bc curly bedhead is a bitch to brush through in the mornings.

dress style : ugh this is gonna be hard to explain but like. you know those alt hippy stoner girls?? like that. likes baggy clothes and neutral colours. a lot of quote unquote ugly clothes with clashing prints. band t-shirts and whatnot.

𝕔𝕒𝕞𝕡-𝕣𝕖𝕝𝕒𝕥𝕖𝕕 .

go - to  weapon : HAH implying she willingly participates in capture the flag. she’d go for a xiphos because it’s the most basic dfkjg

ambrosia :  garlic bread. yeah she’s that kind of bitch

favourite camp location :  zephyros creek!

their opinion of their godly parent :  really unbothered tbqh. but she’s a very laid-back person to begin with. a ton of her school friends had absent dads. if she hadn’t come to chb so early then maybe the whole ‘i have powers with no explanation’ would’ve caused some resentment but hey, he’s a god. he’s a busy man. and being raised by a single mum made up most of who ash is, so it’s not like she’d change anything.

age they were claimed :  this year baby!

how they were claimed :  look dad’s timing was off but as far as he was concerned he claimed ash when percy made the deal. ash kinda always knew it was gonna be him so it was no surprise.

stance on the new cabins : for  the  new  cabins.

their opinion on lyssa pentelute :   as far as ash is concerned, lyssa’s whole shtick is just an excuse to shit on the kids who don’t have to suffer the same way she did. so, uh, she’s kind of a bitch? i have this in a bit more detail down below.

quests :  i’m gonna tentatively put no for now (unless anyone else on quests decides they’d like to have dragged ash along!)

𝕡𝕖𝕣𝕤𝕠𝕟𝕒𝕝𝕚𝕥𝕪 .

positive traits : playful, empathetic, laid-back, friendly but not a pushover, patient

negative traits :  lazy, tactless, aloof,  spacey, struggles to express said empathy, lack of focus

mbti :  Iinfp-t, the mediator

alignment : neutral good

hogwarts house :  hufflepuff

kinsey scale : JUST ASK IF SHES A LESBIAN OKAY?? THE ANSWER IS YES.

archetype :  somehow she matched equally with the innocent child and the wise old man *insert so what is the truth meme*

what candle scent are they :  vanilla

goals & desires :  well this one was tricky bc ash is a simple girl with simple needs and really just doesn’t want anything to change. she wants a life without the pressures of work and commitment, but that’s just not gonna happen, is it? her short-term goals are to practice fighting that urge to stay in bed all day and try to be a bit more productive. it’s not going well.

fears : explained more below but basically she has a fear of destroying all her relationships due to a lack of connect with the world

hobbies : when she’s not napping? probably gaming, going on nature walks, baking treats.

habits :  biting nails is the worst one. spacing out. you know that thing where you just?? stop focusing your eyes?? but you’re still tuned in to the conversation? that.

𝕙𝕚𝕤𝕥𝕠𝕣𝕪 .

so hear’s the short version kfjglkdfgjd ( for NOW ):

ashley’s mum, niamh, is third-gen irish immigrant. ash didn’t have a luxurious life or anything. they mostly lived off benefits or whatever niamh could pick up from her extremely lucrative dog-walking business. how she met hypnos was a literal joke. they met when she participated in a fucking sleep study and i guess they hit it off. typical story of dad fucks off/single parent yadda yadda. there’s no real ~~trauma~~ to ash. yeah, transphobia sucks and high school really sucked all but her mum’s been super supportive since she first came out and no one at chb has given her shit yet. niamh’s still around and ash goes back home every couple of months to visit her. they have a pretty good relationship. it’s all cool.

i feel cliche saying she was a ‘dreamy’ girl but dreamy or spacey really is the best word for it. mixed with your typical demigod adhd you get a kid who really struggled with school. well, it’s not like she struggled - ashley’s a smart gal - but the teacher’s struggled with her. i guess it was hard for them to understand that ash actually does her best thinking when she’s asleep.

struggles to keep friends - maintains a persona of aloofness and apathy but actually cares way too much. the narcolepsy hinders her ability to form proper connections ( although she’ll argue the sCiEnTiFiCaLlY pRoVeN fAcT that napping with someone for half an hour does more to build trust than anything else ). and no one’s really that fond of ash popping into their dreams. maybe they shouldnt have so much to hide, huh?

her biggest ‘’’ inner struggle ’’’ shall we say is the pressure to be productive. let’s face it, she IS a lazy bitch, and that’s pretty much an inherited nature. getting a job sounds like hell, she sucks at combat training, she really could NOT be bothered with camp politics and god wars and whatever else. why can’t she just sleep and dream walk all day? monster’s are out there man, she’s gonna die some point soon anyway. but that doesn’t mean  she doesn’t feel guilty about it all. it’s kinda hard not to.

so, moving on to the ISSUE AT HAND. so when you walk through dreams and you sleep for 20 hours of the day, it’s not hard to figure out who your dad is, even if he never turns up. like, seriously, who else would it be? so yeah, sure. she was only claimed a couple of months ago. but she wasn’t completely in the dark like some of her other campers, and she respects that, truly. she got the luckier end of the stick and its not hard to understand the resentment among the minor demigods and the unclaimed.

HOWEVER, she’s very much FOR the new cabins. as explained above, lyssa’s a bitch whose taking her mummy issues out on others. ash loves bunking with the hermes kids but she’d like a space of her own and at the end of the day who the fuck is lyssa to make that decision?

𝕖𝕩𝕥𝕣𝕒 .

pinterest! (its a wip there’s not much IM SORRY)

spotify (now this is the one thing i will never let u down on)

wanted connections coming soon!

[ambitionsource]

S1 Rewatch: Lena’s Take [1.08]

it’s before midnight. i win!

favourite scene:

it’s a tie. okay. it’s a tie because i love love. on one hand, the scene where zay aggressively stands up for charlie... tells him he’s way to good to be walked all over... causing charlie to realize SOMETHING is going on with his silly feelings.... several points were fucking made, let me TELL YOU. god. damn. zay is so passionately defensive of charlie despite them only being friends through school, charlie just basically falling into zay’s dark eyes (we know he was). every bit of development they get i cling on to and lemme tell you the SEROTONIN i received this evening! i love the way they encourage each other to be bolder and better people, and to be more uniquely themselves. it’s such a mutually supportive relationship (at both the platonic and romantic stages) and i THRIVE off of it. i reiterate: when zay told charlie he was too good to be walked all over i literally absolutely MELTED. that is the sweetest shit, on GOD. anyway... on the other hand, we have the rl waltz scene like shut up that was the most romantic shit i’ve ever seen in my life bro!!!! WHEN RILEY TILTS HIS CHIN UP I WENT FERAL! i know rl takes a backseat to zc in my reviews usually but this is just. Such a GOOD scene and i really do love them. lucas just realizing he is off the deep end for this girl while they softly sway under the stage lights.... do you know the yearning, the longing i have to play out this scenario with someone? i swooned so hard i almost fainted just reading it. lucas has fallen and so have i baybee!!

favourite performance:

every number in ambition is always iconic, but there’s really no contest to the best one this number— the sheer wonderful fun energy dancing queen has CARRIES it to number one with ease. easily one of the season’s top numbers— dave’s dumb dance break (seriously imagining him flossing and moonwalking to the chorus has me internally dying), jeff’s iconic break dancing (we love an ACTUALLY semi-coordinated techie!) and the whole loose, carefree number is absolutely wonderful. not to mention i LOVE techie group performances. love them, y’all. truly the best of the best.

favourite character this ep:

i can’t choose, i seriously cannot choose. i think i’ll say dylan and asher (they have to go together, really) solely for their hilarious, fearful exchange with lucas (“blindfold asher, he’s scared of heights!”). they care about their friends (especially lucas) SO much, and it shows the effective balance of humour and serious emotion they’re able to bring to the table. plus blowing kisses to riley and just. Being best bros with lucas was so good.... i love them truly, and i don’t say it enough.

favourite line(s):

charlie, fondly: this school is bananas.

farkle: it’s like he’s sweating mediocrity.

maya: us performers can smell fear. especially his; it’s rare.

and of course:

zay: there’s being polite, and there’s being a pushover. you’re way too good to let people step on you like that. 🥺🥰

an underrated moment:

all the little zc moments... all the little zc MOMENTS! zay nudging charlie causing him to choke on his food, the shoulder pat and hand glance (obsessing over hands is lgbt culture), charlie literally dying while watching zay teach choreo to that romantic strangers like me line... ok ur honour im filing a report that says i love them!!! charlie is already SO FAR GONE for this boy, and he’s beginning to realize. he’s the physical manifestation of gay panic and god it’s funny. also, honourable mention goes to lucas going feral cat mode at zay but not riley— lucas, you’re not subtle.

something i missed the first time around:

back on my jack hunter bs to say that i really noticed him shine this episode, along with eric! it really is so enjoyable watching the two of them grow from two people with contrasting views constantly at odds to a rock solid team united by their determination to put the students first— and their sleuthing scenes are intriguing highlights, drawing you further into the mystery. we don’t know much yet but we NEED to learn more.

first impression vs your reread impression:

this episode is more fun and upbeat than i remembered (i mostly remembered farkle struggling and that’s it) and it was thoroughly enjoyable. the romance development, the “main plot” of the aaac mystery beginning its build, really good interactions between people who dont usually interact (farkle and riley, charlie and maya a bit, bit of zay and lucas, charlie and farkle) which is ALWAYS a blast. good times for most, leading to long awaited peace (that won’t last, but so what? we got there). had a great time reading as always.

--

literally your mind ma’am... all the above you said? truth! zay and charlie’s first ever journey to the costume loft... the power it holds... truly you can tell that one thing es and i value in a relationship is mutual respect and support because that’s something that’s paralleled in zc AND rl (you could, actually, make a pretty extensive parallel set between the two relationships, despite their obvious differences). it’s literally beautiful that zay and charlie see the talent and potential in one another that it feels like no one else sees -- whether they want them to (zay) or whether they choose to fade into the background (charlie), and they like... inarguably believe that the other person is the superior performer. there’s such a mutual admiration there. it speaks to the same feature of rl in which lucas literally believes riley is 10 times more talented than anyone at aaa and won’t let her forget it, and riley sees the weight that lucas carries even if he’s the first to diminish his purpose. you could say, in effect, that each main dynamic sees the other as “the best they have to offer...” and that... perhaps... is love........... sorry to just pop tf here im feral tonite

anyway, SHOUT OUT to your shout out for my dad jack hunter and also dyl and asher. i cannot express how excited i am for y’all to get to s2 and see more our boys in action... all the above you said is true abt them... 17 more days,,,,,,

[moved-to-femmesun-blog]

all the lgbt asks :+)

fuck you.

What do you identify as and what are your pronouns?transmasc (technically genderfluid but i’m very much transmasc) + he/him and ae/aem/aer

How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story?idk. i just never rlly liked girls. didn’t really care much for dating at all but i was def more attracted to guys, and so i ID’d as mlm for most of middle school to high school. now i lean more towards bi - and ID as bi - but i still use mlm for myself.

Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it?hahah yeah. even when i was going by “Benjamin” back in high school i was constantly misgendered. i just dealt with it. was too much of a pushover to say anything so i just ignored it kdnsknaksnd

Who was the first person you told, how did they react?some guy i was friends with that who obviously liked me. he took it pretty well, told me to tell my friend if i really wanted.

Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?i was impulsive and so i just. did it. i don’t really remember much about it - it didn’t feel that significant to me because i was SO disconnected from gender and identity, and i also just don’t remember small details well.

If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?parents just. took it well ig. made an effort to use the name i wanted, were supportive enough. mum’s done more research than my step dad has - he thinks he can say the q slur lol - and was there along side me for a lot of my transition progress, but overall they’ve both been okay. at least with the binary stuff. i’m not open to them about my sexuality or the indepth details of my identity, aka my new pronouns and name - so it kinda sucks - but overall it was pretty good. friends were okay about it, had a few name hiccups with them using “em” for me instead of emmett (which i was going as at the time) but *shrug*

What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?no one ever asks me shit KDNSKNDkdn and tbh i don’t think anything would bother me? unless the person is being an asshole about it, i’m really open to answering questions.

Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.i don’t really know what Style i have but like, lately i’ve gone back to just wearings leggings, big jackets, and then tank tops/my croptop. i used to be rlly rlly anal about like, Presenting As Male, and tbh i was really uncomfortable during that time. being overweight, i just felt ugly and gross and clunky. and so i’m glad i’ve gone back to wearing more fem stuff bc like. it fits me better, i love and feel better, and i have more options.

Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships?uhhh for bnha i’d say my faves right now are: bakukami/bakukirikami, kamisero, todoiida, iiseroyama, and then minamomojirou.

What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?i’ve never been one to wear make up. the furthest i ever went was using BB cream and then nail polish, and i haven’t used BB cream in years. i own One bottle of nail polish now and it’s this clear stuff with gold glitter chunks in it.

Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you?not... really? i USED to big time. but now i’ve just mellowed out since shifting towards nonbinary/genderfluid and stuff. back when i was Set on being “100% FTM” i was super dysphoric. i just hated hearing she/her pronouns, and that’s really the only time i get dysphoric now - and when people call me a girl, but y’know dknskndd - and so... most of the time i’m good. i’m on T (have been for 2 years, though i havent been taking it lately due to complications with my endo clinic - and i’m almost a year and a half past getting top surgery - which im happy w/ bc i had a huge chest, though i do sometimes miss my boobs - and so i’m pretty good!

What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community?there are SO many dumb things i’ve heard over the years of being on tumblr/online/at public high school, so i don’t know how to give this just ONE answer dknsandnknds

What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?the “i can’t read/drive/do math” jokes bc i’m gay

What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?i could say a lot of things here but i do NOT wanna risk starting any shit so KDNSKNDSKND

Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not?i’ve been to pride as part of my school’s team for the parade once! i haven’t gone since just bc i don’t really have anyone in my city i’d like to go with

Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity?i’m REALLY disconnected from celebrities... i really can’t answer thiskNDksnd

Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?a bunch! currently i have two boyfriends and i met both of them through bnha discord servers - specifically rp servers KDNSKDNSKNd

What is your favourite lgbt+ book?i can’t read! (i genuinely can’t remember the names of any gay books i’ve read so SOBS)

Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened?yup! i’ve been called slurs in public, had people obviously try and figure out my gender - fun fact: one time a guy very obvious leaned over at me as i passed by to try and look down my sweater to check my chest B) - uhhh misgendering on purpose. nothing physical yet thankfully, but y’know.

Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show?i am LOVING carole and tuesday rn im ngl KDNSKND

Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers?all my mutuals ;)

Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim?q slur, that’s all i can claim KDNSkdn  i’ll use it when i know the people around me are comfortable seeing/hearing it but otherwise i just keep it to “q slur”

Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it?nope. almost did once - this dude in my city wanted to take me, and at the time we were friends and i had a crush on him, and we would’ve had a uh. fling. if we’d gone - but never did end up going. shit happens KDNSKND

How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you?idk i’m just like. i’m a dude - i’m NOT a girl, 100% not a girl - but at the same time, i’m not a dude? i’m not agender but it’s like... i’m just SO disconnected from the idea of having a gender but i’m super comfortable ID’ing as a guy because i find comfort it in (and in being able to say things like Yeah I’m Transmac and Yeah I’m MLM) but really it’s just. a big blur. i shift between being a Dude and then being Kind Of A Dude and then Not Being Anything and then Being ???   so yeah kdsnkdn

Are you interested in having children? Why or why not?nope. trauma fucked me up and i don’t wanna ever risk putting a child through anything. i wouldn’t be able to handle parenting a child. if ANYTHING i’d adopt an older kid, early/late teens, but idk.

What identity advice would you give your younger self?you don’t have to MAKE sure every one knows you’re a Dude. you don’t HAVE to pass at male. you feel so much more uncomfortable when you confuse people about your gender, when you wear want you want and what you feel comfortable wearing. you’re gonna hate looking back on yourself in a couple years because you’ll realize just how caught up you got in toxic masculinity, but it gets better. you get more comfortable being You and doing what You Want, and you’ll find people who accept that more than your current friends ever could. it gets better. you get better.

What do you think of gender roles in relationships?*throws them out the window* 

Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?toxic masculinity is a BITCH and i wishhhh that i’d had more understanding friends. there’s something just so sad and... weird... about the idea of FORCING yourself to have to “pass” at all times - when “passing” is a dumb enough concept itself - but idk. i learnt a lot from it, even if it sucked.

What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+?it really isn’t easy. every day you’re dealing with stuff, from yourself and from other people, so let us have our jokes. let us have our pride. let us be loud about who we are.

Why are proud to be lgbt+?cause it means i’m not cishet LOLif you read through all of this: why? why do that to yourselfkNDKSNd

[the-little-red-noodle]

12/6/18 12:49

I want to write but i dont know what to say.

i feel so much but im not doing anything. i have feelings that i want to talk through but i cant grasp them yet. 

im so tired and my eyes hurt and my heart wants to love so much more than im being given opportunity for. i have so much love to give but nowhere to put it where it will be received in the way i really want. i’ll never admit it, but i just want someone who will mirror that love. i just want to feel like im appreciated and that those efforts are seen and appreciated. 

I just want to love and be loved in an enthusiastic way. And i feel like this a lot more when spencer and i are apart and i have to rely on his text voice to fill that little space in my head where i overthink about our relationship standing. That’s not to say that i never get my feelings hurt when we’re together in person, because yeah it happens, he’s a boy and he says dumb shit sometimes. But it’s so much less.

When we’re together in person, at least i can guage a little more where we stand. I can feel that he’s happy and i excite him. Sex is always good so i don’t really worry about that domain. I’m a very sexual person and i usually initiate things and will be more verbal about what i want or complimenting him and making it feel very explicit that I’m attracted to him and enjoying things, etc. so i feel like sex is coming easy to him. Like we don’t have any sexual inhibitions other than just like timing or if I’m on my period. But whenever I’m on my period, like today, i just go down on him anyway because it’s fun for both of us, and i think a little bit subconsciously it’s because i want to make sure he stays satisfied with me.. like i don’t want him to feel like he needs to go anywhere else for that kind of satisfaction because he can always get off with me and that i do things enthusiastically, which i do. I genuinely have a good time being sexual with him in any context because i do feel so attracted to him and so like.. into it.. like even on my period when i usually feel the least sexy, he comes over and makes me feel like such a queen.. like we’realways touching each other and so close and it’s always pretty high attraction energy between us which keeps me pretty enticed all the time..

it’s weird but it’s not. Cuz like i know that I’m a very sexual person. I like sex. I enjoy having sex for me, and i like the physical feeling and the connection to people. I like being intimate and i love being intimate with spencer for a lot of reasons.

I think a big part of it is his aloofness most of the time keeps me pushing for it. Like he’s so precious and beautiful and giggly and all that. Like he’s adorable and he looks at me sometimes like I’m so gorgeous.. like today he came over for like 2 hours and we just cuddled and teased each other.. the entire first hour was a standoff of who could hold out longer, which is funny because if i weren’t on my period, 100% i would lose first. But since he didn’t know i was on my period, i just ran with it and played this game with him. It’s so fun to tease each other and taunt the other person to make moves..

i just like messing with him cuz theres an innocence to him that i really like.. and part of that is that he is just objectively attractive, like conventionally but also just like to me, he is so perfect.. like his bone structure and his cute little features, and he’s tall and thin and i just think he’s crazy attractive. It’s honestly kind of annoying tho because i can’t ever keep my hands to myself. Like i just want to touch him constantly and have my arms around him..

Now i miss him..

Ugh wait i want to talk about jealousy. Because this is something i got back and forth on a lot in my head but overarching isnt an issue, because i don’t bring it up. Like i have insecurities, who doesn’t. And something i worry about is just him finding someone else that he likes better, and in reality, i feel like that would come from a friend confessing to him, and he’ll either be in love with that person or he’ll be a pushover and be with them cuz he cares about people and wants to make them happy. I worry that i won’t have as strong of a hold on him as id like to think that i do. And i mainly worry about this with his friend Ali, because they are super close and I’ve seen a couple times now where she like needs to talk to him and talks about anxiety and needing him.. so when i hear about it theres a twinge of jealousy because i imagine her like confessing that she loves him and that seeing him with another girl was too much and he should dump me amd be with her..

Yes i know i sound crazy, I’m aware. But that’s why i write this shit on tumblr so these thoughts never see the light of day. Because of course i would never bring this up to him, because expressing these insecurities does nothing but put tensions on his friendships, and i would hate if he did that with my friendships with guys, or girls (don’t bi erase me) and it would be annoying if i wanted to hang out with someone that he was jealous of because of course i would want to make sure he was super comfortable and that would probably cause me to see them less, and that’s not what i want for him because frankly i like his girl friends more than his guy friends, and theyre better influences on him anyway.

Still, theres something about this girl that makes me nervous sometimes. I think it’s just that she seems affectionate with him and expresses needing him, which seems like the way you treat a boyfriend or a guy you are affectionate with because he likes you but you’re friendzoning?

That too, i don’t know how these girls friendzone him. Like he is so gorgeous it makes me angry. He is so gorgeous, how do people look at rhis gorgeous man and go ya he’s just a friend. Like what?

Anyway, idk what to do about my feelings about ali. Part of it too is that i find her attractive, and someone i was low key crushing on last year, so now i see her super close with my partner and I’m like silently growling because i know shems attractive, and she would know what a prize spencer is, so that’s the insecurity.

The reason i don’t say anything is because i feel like at our age, theres a level of maturity and understanding. Enough to where if you are in a relationship, but develope feelings for someone else, and those feelings suddenly have an outlet and that person wants you back, you should be honest and breakup with your partner and pursue that other thing. Like ya being cheated on would suck, and getting dumped would suck, but at the end of the day, we’re all just people and romance is messy and i feel like if this girl confessed to him and he wanted to be with her, he should be. Cuz like theyre friends for a while and must know each other pretty well, and if he had strong feelings like that for someone else, who am i to hold him back?

But the point i was making is that even if this girl or any other girl expressed interest in him, that doesn’t mean he instantly sleeps with them and dumps me. Because id like to think that he and i are doing pretty well at the moment and id like to think he’s happy with me and wants to be with me.

When i get insecure about this stuff, i like to think about this thing he said a while ago. He said that he was single for 2 years, and just wasnt dating, and that when he saw me, he was like “her”.

I like to think about it in a serious way that like he’s known these females for those 2 years, and that if he wanted things to happen with them, they probably would have already happened. And i like to think that he was immediately attracted to me, and that first night when we met and kissed and he asked me about italian food because he wanted to take me on dates when we got back to school.

Those two things he said mean a lot to me and keep me relatively grounded when dumb insecurities want to carry me out and get lost in the sky.. i want to believe that he chose to be single for a while, or just didn’t hard pursue anyone for a while, but then with me he just wanted to date me or knew i was girlfriend material. And honestly that’s so fucking cute..

And i feel good about us now in that sense too when we talk about being friends. We’re both pretty adamantly like i think of you as much more than a friend and when i was jokingly like oh so you want to be just friends? And he was so sad like i mean.. if that’s what you want.. but I’m very happy with this” and just hugged me so tight..

Like i know I’ve got him, ya know? Maybe that sounds confident, but i feel like i got him.. i feel like i suit him pretty well and that I have the qualities he wants in a girlfriend. Or at least id like to think so.

So when i get insecure, i remind myself of these things and remind myself of when we were both complaining about exes who got jealous of our opposite sex friends and how annoying it is to be accused of sleeping with your platonic friends. So i know how dumb it would be to ask if he likes Ali, or if he ever has liked her in the past, because what if he has? I used to like Patrick, and he used to like me, but that doesn’t make us incapable of being just friends right now, so it would only hurt me to know that. And if he did currently like her, maybe he’ll say something. Or it’s not a big enough deal to him to mention it.

I just gotta trust him. I gotta let myself trust him and trust that we’re both adults and that he is capable of having platonic female friends, the same way i am capable of having platonic friends with anyone.

I think that’s as much as i can write for tonight. Gotta get sleep and get work done tomorrow.

Xoxo gossipgirl

[bettycrocker]

while i dont think joseph and mary should have stayed together (primarily because joseph is written to be a serial cheater and using the fact that mary wont or even cant properly stand up for herself to him and also mary clearly having gotten over the idea of having children, assuming she wanted any in the first place. i personally feel like joseph was lying to you when he said ‘heeeyy me and mary are through lets fuck’ because he didn’t even hesitate or even take time to let himself recuperate), theyre most definitely staying together for the sake of the children. a divorce can really hit one kid hard, let alone four.

now had joseph and mary really decided to stay apart for a while and joseph stay on his yacht, if mary were really abusing her children do you really really really think joseph would have left them all in mary’s care? why wouldn’t he insist she go stay at a hotel or with her parents or take them to his yacht himself? why would he leave the ‘abusive mother’ in charge of four children?

probably because, again, we were manipulated in game and out of game to believe that mary was a bad parent and wife. just because she chooses not to go find crish at the bbq really doesnt mean anything. she had 3 kids prior and i feel like she would know what shes doing by now in terms of having a toddler. everyone wants to accuse her of being a bad mother for not finding her toddler when its actually extremely normal for parents with 3 children to be aware of what the youngest will end up doing because having kids is a learning experience.

now is that a correct attitude to have? not necessarily but mary seems to know her children fairly well. she knows what the twins can and cant handle (ie; she knows they love horror movies, it’s not common but there are quite a few children who find a keen adoration for horror flicks at a young age), she knows that chris isn’t very outspoken (because he’s autistic), and she knows crish can survive for more than 5 minutes without getting into serious trouble (bcause she’s had to deal with 3 other toddlers).

the only times we really see joseph with any of the kids is with christie and they’re being happy and close. chris we can’t really gauge his opinion of either of his parents, and christian just bails at any chance he can get. christie seems to love her father, most likely her mother too. the kids arent aware they have marital issues because joseph and mary keep that private. they don’t want the kids to worry about their relationship.

mary doesn’t cheat, she just flirts because she likes seeing younger men uncomfortable. it’s funny to her and when a guy seems to want to take her up on her offer, she’s fully aware that he’ll back out when she starts getting weird about it which is why she says “don’t make checks your dick cant cash” she knows hes bluffing because its mary, she’s smarter than we’re led to believe.

joseph on the other hand, we are fully aware of two accounts that he cheated. robert and mc. had it been one time, i feel like mary wouldn’t hold much malice, especially considering she becomes close with robert. but somewhere in the middle of joseph sleeping with robert and mc moving to maplebay, joseph does it a second time, possibly a third if the timeframe allows it. now i feel like joseph started pursuing a sexual relationship with robert after roberts wife died and his daughter left because he knew robert was emotionally compromised but i covered that in a different post. but joseph knowing to go for someone emotionally compromised leads me to believe robert wasnt his first offense.

mary easily becomes friends with robert and i wouldn’t doubt it if she becomes friends easier with people she can bitch about joseph with. so quite possibly, joseph slept with several people that mary is now friends with (maybe not damien, that’d be a stretch. possibly neil, though. robert and mary seem to adore neil). that’s probably why mary is so upset with him. joseph thinks his cheating his completely to himself and the people he slept with when mary is waiting for him to admit it because every person he’s slept with has come to her and told her about it with the same story of “he took me to his yacht, told me you two were through, and then fucked me.” this feels slightly more reinforced to me since if i remember correctly, when examining the bedroom of the yacht, mc mentions how the decor is older in style.

mary should most certainly stand up for herself and call joseph out on her bullshit, just letting it happen isn’t healthy for herself or her family especially since joseph is part of the cause for her drinking problem at this point. but she cant, she wants to be able to wait for her kids to be old enough to understand their reasoning. joseph knows from the outside it looks like they have marital problems so he uses it to his advantage which only causes more and more problems. when it comes to joseph? mary is a pushover because she loves him but she’s so tired of all the lies. there is no doubt in my mind that joseph loves mary too, but the way he’s using her as a ploy to get laid is absolutely inexcusable.

its deeper than just “THEY HAVE ISSUES THEY NEED TO BREAK UP RIGHT NOW (and joseph needs to date my dadsona *heavy breathing*)” because when you take into consideration how they interact with the kids, how much each of them are fucking up, how old the kids are, how much time and money and custody issues it would take especially since at least one of them are most definitely in school and probably already has issues in his classes; a divorce isn’t doable. i get it, everyone only wants the best for these fictional characters, but not every abusive relationship is just like “let me snap my fingers and just leave haha! it couldn’t negatively effect anyone!”

i get how this can seem like im in favor of one character or the other, but i actually genuinely love both mary and joseph very much. they’re two of my favorite characters in the whole game and i’m only doing what i can to understand their situation.

[grizztheexplorer]

Please feel free to ignore this:

Just need to rant real quick and this is the only platform where my friends don’t follow me.

I am blessed with the most amazing, caring, supporting friends. But we all fuck up and that’s normal. My friend got upset, and won’t talk to us. This is normal bc she is the type of person to be angry and need space and time before articulating and discussing why and how to solve it, etc. So it feels like I fucked up and she’s angry but idk about what. She doesn’t do this in a manipulative way, she just comes from a family that DOES manipulate through anger and she just always aims to cool herself down before saying anything. I’m the opposite. Thanks to bullying and manipulation from this super toxic person I was “friends” with as a child (haven’t talked to this person in YEARS though) whenever someone gets angry with me I HAVE to talk about it right away. Because I always inherently blame myself even if the situation is a misunderstanding and I punish myself. Like the situation should be normal. Friends having a dispute sometimes should be normal. People talk things out and whenever a person needs some space to think that should be respected too. Is not like she hasn’t talked in days its been like 3 or less hours since. But my anxiety is through the fucking roof. Like I’m genuinely crying and not breathing great and feeling soso anxious bc even if i know objectively things will be okay, we’ll talk about it like grown ups and makeup and being angry is not “breaking up the friendship” my anxiety born out of trauma and bullying as a child won’t let me look at it from a real pov. Like I KNOW things will be okay but my brain is still constantly reminding me “what if” scenarios of my friend just being tired of my shit and saying i mistreat her or don’t consider her and that I am a bad friend. I feel so guilty and I don’t even inherently know what actually has my friend mad. I needed to rant bc i hate it. I hate not handling this normal situations with patience bc my anxiety eats at me. I hate immediately blaming myself for everything and thinking im the fuckinf worst and causing damage to my friends when i know on a surface level whatever happened was not harm done on purpose. I think she message and I didn’t read (she erased a bunch of texts I hadn’t seen) and maybe needed me and I didn’t see it and proceeded to talk about something else by accident. I know we’ll talk about this and it will he fine and i keep telling this to myself to calm myself down.

People always talk about like forgiving people, specially childhood bullies. But my childhood bully was also the only friend i had for years and was such an extremely manipulative person. How can I forgive anyone when I’m still 21 and carrying a trauma around?? I have abandonment issues for the same reason bc every time someone is mad I immediately think I was the prime reason there was a fuck up and get scared they’ll leave, get tired of me, and never talk to me again. Because for so long in my childhood I was isolated and had to do everything this person asked of me. This person that was ALSO a CHILD. And if i didnt do what they wanted they would get mad, cry, get everyone in our classroom to be mad at me for being a “bad friend” and make me publicly apologize. And this was something that happened every other day for almost my entire childhood. This was something the genuinely happened numerous times a week. For years.

I just needed to rant. I think this is partially also why I have never been in a relationship. Because I have all these issues with abandonment and I’m bad at giving space when people fight bc i always wanna fix things asap. I’m not a pushover as bad as it sounds lmao. And i AM better at giving space bc the friendships that i have now are mature and have been with me through years and have taught me a lot. But it just sucks that I still cry and get so anxious about it.

Anyways, honestly fuck this person they messed me up so bad like I can’t believe i carry this shit with me at the age of 21 when this shit happened in elementary. Fuck her for that.

[myinnerletters]

I am so lonely. I feel so bummed with the direction my life is going in, i know that at the moment im creating the foundations for a future i want but fucking hell i just dont know how its going to go down. I feel like im doomed to walk alone for the rest of my life. 

Like, yesterday Ros tells me she’s found someone, Romi tells me shes found someone, jacquis back home and liams round, and will probably be around every day this week. I want that. I want someone. I’m so sick of going it alone, and im so sick of being mucked around and i dont want to put myself out there but in a way im always looking.

But i feel like i know theres no one out there for me. I think im asking too much. I think its not bound to happen for me ever. I think ive accepted i dont deserve it. I accept i deserve shit cause i still feel shit because of everything that is happened and reinforced to me.

I wanna sit in my room and do nothing. I want to become nothing. I want to stop trying cause whats the point. I hate drama time. I dread it. The period between thursday night to monday is my favourite because i dont have to think about it.

I hate feeling like the thing that no one wants to be with. And whats the point of opening up if they just keep hurting you. If they dont want to be with you anyway. If they treat you like their girlfriend, you give them everything and its still not enough.

Ill probably be single for the rest of my life. They can sense im broken. I dont want another minute of it, and yet i crave it. I want it. I want someone to take care of me. I want someone to look out for me. I want someone who wants to see me, and be with me and wants me. Thinks im the best .I dont think it exists. I dont think im seen like that. I dont think theres someone out there for me and i think im fooling myself to think there may be. I hate being here when everyones over. When its couple corner in the lounge room. When everyones here i just want to be in my room and close the door and put on headphones and drown it out cause i feel it so deeply. So in my soul. I know i should spend today ticking off all the things i need to do to work on my future but i feel bummed. I feel depressed. I dont feel good enough. Ive never felt good enough or deserving. Why i ended up with a shitty agent, why i ended up with no relationship to show for, why im not happy in this life. i dont want to talk to anyone. I feel drained for a lifetime. I feel sad. I feel like i give so much and i get back nothing. I feel like i mean nothing to people. Im someone who they know i will help. and thats it. thats what i offer. help. a sounding board. im a pushover. im depressed. Im running on thin. I dont need to hear it i know it. A lonely, little energiser bunny running on low. 

I want someone. I do. I deny it all i want but i do. But i also think it wont happen cause track record shows it wont. And tal made me do that, fuck the track record and try trust,but he did the exact same thing. why bother. why do it.not worth it. i crave it so much.